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Author Topic: The Patriotic IRS! Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-19-2008 09:29 AM                        Rated G Jokester "The trick is to stop thinking of it as 'your' money." -IRS auditor The Gambler The IRS decides to audit Ralph, and summons him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor is not surprised when Ralph shows up with his attorney. The auditor says, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable." "I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Ralph. "How about a demonstration?" The auditor thinks for a moment and said, "Okay. Go ahead." Ralph says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye." The auditor thinks a moment and says, "No way! It's a bet." Ralph removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops. Ralph says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye." The auditor can tell Ralph isn't blind, so he takes the bet. Ralph removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Ralph's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous. "Want to go double or nothing?" Ralph asks. "I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between." The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this guy can manage that stunt, so he agrees again. Ralph stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the desk. The auditor leaps with joy! ,realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Ralph's attorney moans and puts his head in his hands. "Are you okay?" the auditor asks. "Not really," says the attorney. "This morning, when Ralph told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over an IRS official's desk and that you'd be happy about it."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-18-2009 08:09 AM                        Rated G Jokester Interactive Taxes Hello! Welcome to Taxtime, your Interactive Tax Preparer Program. Do you feel like doing your taxes today? I see. Well, don't you think you should do them anyway? After all, it is April 13. You have less than two days to file. And who knows? Maybe you'll get a refund. That's the spirit! Let's begin with your name, address, and marital status. Sorry to hear about the divorce. But don't let it get you down -- that alimony deduction will come in mighty handy in these tough financial times! Please don't cry. The economy's bound to bounce back. In the meantime, let's talk about dependents. Do you have any children? Wow! I hope they're not all in college. Do you have any other dependents? Sorry. You can't deduct your dog, even if she is your only friend. I agree. The IRS is unreasonable. But let's move on to income. What were your wages in 2008? You are having a bad go of it, aren't you? But at least you're getting the Unemployment Benefits max. I'm afraid Unemployment Benefits are taxable. The government giveth and the government taketh away. Hey, don't blame me. I'm just the messenger. Anyway, did you have any interest or dividend income or capital gains? Your spouse got everything, huh? Well, look on the bright side. If you don't earn it, they can't make you pay taxes on it. Please don't exit. It was just a joke. I don't suppose you were able to sock anything away into an IRA? I didn't mean to insult you; I'm just doing my job. They make me ask about IRAs and Keogh Plans too. Okay, okay. I get the point. You're broke. So let's go over your deductions and see about getting you a healthy refund. And speaking about health, I need a complete list of your non- reimbursed medical expenses. That's great -- a fractured sacroiliac. And your income was so low that most of it will be deductible! Let's move on to your state income taxes and real estate taxes. Boy, those state taxes can really take a bite, eh? But that huge mortgage tax deduction should really increase your refund. What? You had to sell the house to pay for the divorce? What a shame. But I thought you said you didn't have any capital gains. You sold it at a loss? Really? So tell me -- Do you think housing is going to drop any further? One of my other users is looking to buy. You're absolutely right. That was a selfish and thoughtless thing to say. I'm a new program, and I guess they haven't gotten all the bugs out. Let's go back to your deductions. What did you pay in mortgage interest? I'm afraid deducting credit card interest is a major no-no. But you may want to consider our Interactive Bankruptcy Software! Hey, now. Don't get your nose out of joint. It was just a suggestion. Anyway, it's time to list your charitable contributions. I know you can't afford them, but list a couple hundred in cash anyway. Everybody does it, and it's impossible to check. Good. Now I'm almost afraid to ask, but did you suffer any unreimbursed casualty or theft losses last year? That's pretty much what I expected. Just give me the numbers and I'll take it from there. Is there anything else you want to tell me? I'm sorry; I don't really have time to listen about your divorce anymore. What I meant was, did you have any other income or expenses? Fine. Now why don't you rest for a second, so I can do some quick calculations. I have good news. You're entitled to a $157 refund. Would you like to apply it to your 2009 tax? I beg your pardon. They don't pay me enough to listen to that kind of language.  |  IP: Logged

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