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Author Topic: Engineers Tim Reed Better Projection Pays Posts: 5246 From: Northampton, PA Registered: Sep 1999 posted 11-25-2004 02:57 PM                       quote: Bob Maar Half Full or Half Empty? Bob... see 2nd post in this thread!  |  IP: Logged Gordon Bachlund Jedi Master Film Handler Posts: 696 From: Monrovia, CA, USA Registered: Aug 1999 posted 12-03-2004 06:25 PM                        Rated G A tourist walked into a pet shop and was looking at the animals on display. While he was there, another customer walked in and said to the shopkeeper, "I'll have an AutoCAD monkey please." The shopkeeper nodded, went over to a cage at the side of the shop and took out a monkey. He fitted a collar and leash, handed it to the customer, saying, "That'll be $5000." The customer paid and walked out with his monkey. Startled, the tourist went over to the shopkeeper and said, "That was a very expensive monkey. Most of them are only few hundred dollars. Why did that one cost so much?" The Shopkeeper answered, "Ah, that monkey can draw in AutoCAD - very fast, clear layouts, no mistakes, well worth the money." The tourist looked at a monkey in another cage. "That one's even more expensive! $10,000! What does it do?" "Oh, that one's a Design monkey; it can design systems, layout projects, mark-up drawings, write specifications, some even calculate. All the really useful stuff," said the shopkeeper. The tourist looked around for a little longer and saw a third monkey in its own cage. The price tag around its neck read $50,000. He gasped to the shopkeeper, "That one costs more than all the others put together! What on earth does it do?" The shopkeeper replied, "Well, I haven't actually seen it do anything, but it says it's an Engineer."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-04-2005 10:44 AM                        Rated PG Top 25 Engineer's Terms and Expressions (What they say--what they mean.) 1. A number of different approaches are being tried. (We are still guessing at this point.) 2. Close project coordination. (We sat down and had coffee together.) 3. An extensive report is being prepared on a fresh approach. (We just hired three punk kids out of school.) 4. Major technological breakthrough! (It works OK; but looks very hi-tech!) 5. Customer satisfaction is believed assured. (We are so far behind schedule, that the customer will take anything.) 6. Preliminary operational tests were inconclusive. (The darn thing blew up when we threw the switch.) 7. Test results were extremely gratifying! (Unbelievable, it actually worked!) 8. The entire concept will have to be abandoned. (The only guy who understood the thing quit.) 9. It is in process. (It is so wrapped in red tape that the situation is completely hopeless.) 10. We will look into it. (Forget it! We have enough problems already.) 11. Please note and initial. (Let's spread the responsibility for this.) 12. Give us the benefit of your thinking. (We'll listen to what you have to say as long as it doesn't interfere with what we have already done or with what we are going to do.) 13. Give us your interpretation. (We can't wait to hear your bull.) 14. See me or let's discuss. (Come to my office, I've screwed up again.) 15. All new. (Parts are not interchangeable with previous design.) 16. Rugged. (Don't plan to lift it without major equipment.) 17. Robust! (Rugged, but more so) 18. Light weight. (Slightly lighter than rugged) 19. Years of development. (One finally worked) 20. Energy saving. (Achieved when the power switch is off.) 21. No maintenance. (Impossible to fix) 22. Low maintenance. (Nearly impossible to fix) 23. Fax me the data. (I'm too lazy to write it down.) 24. We are following the standard! (That's the way we have always done it!) 25. I didn't get your e-mail. (I haven't checked my e-mail for days.)  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-12-2005 03:07 PM                        [b]Rated G Duplicate Post. [ 02-21-2006, 07:39 PM: Message edited by: Bob Maar ]  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-12-2005 03:08 PM                        Rated G X Marks the Spot There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company loyally for more than 30 years, he happily retired. Several years later, the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multimillion-dollar machines. They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine to work but to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past. The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine. At the end of the day, he marked a small "x" in chalk on a particular component of the machine and stated, "This is where your problem is." The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again. The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service. They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges. The engineer responded: "One chalk mark: $1; knowing where to put it: $49,999." It was paid in full and the engineer retired again in peace.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-12-2005 03:11 PM                        Rated G Wife or Mistress ? An architect, an artist, and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress. The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship. The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there. The engineer said, "I like both." Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-23-2005 11:04 AM                        Rated G As told by an Austrian engineer; Three engineers, a Brit, a Frenchman, and an Austrian, were found guilty of treason in a former French-African colony. The sentence was death by guillotine, but the engineers were given a choice of receiving the penalty face-up, or face-down. The Brit chose face-up and the blade miraculously stopped inches short of his throat. This was seen as a sign from God, and the Brit was set free. The French engineer also chose face-up, and once again, the blade stopped inches from the throat. Again, a miracle, and the Frenchman was set free. The Austrian, not to be outdone, chose face-up, but just before the blade was released was heard to proclaim, "Wait a minute, I see the problem."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-24-2005 06:11 AM                        Rated G Three guys a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden, and an American engineer are working together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. "I will give each of you one wish,which is three wishes total" says the Genie. The Canadian says,"I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer,and my son will also farm.I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada." Poof! With the blink of the Genie's eye,the land in Canada was forever made fertile for farming. Bin Ladin was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Afghanistan so that no infidels,Jews or Americans can come into our precious state." Poof! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around Afghanistan. The American engineer asks, "I am very curious. Please tell me more about this wall". The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 5000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds the country. Nothing can get in or out it's virtually impenetrable." The American engineer says, "Fill it with water."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-08-2005 10:00 AM                        Rated G B.B. If a young man becomes a traffic engineer, should he become known as a 'roads' scholar?  |  IP: Logged Gordon Bachlund Jedi Master Film Handler Posts: 696 From: Monrovia, CA, USA Registered: Aug 1999 posted 02-21-2006 04:32 PM                        Rated G.... Engineers' Conversion Tables This is pretty heavy scientific stuff......converting units: 1. Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi 2. 2000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won ton 3. 1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope 4. Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1 bananosecond 5. Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram 6. Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour = Knotfurlong 7. 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Sterling 8. Half of a large intestine = 1 semicolon 9. 1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurtz 10. Basic unit of laryngitis = 1 hoarsepower 11 Shortest distance between two jokes = A straight line 12. 453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake 13. 1 million-million microphones = 1 megaphone 14. 2 million bicycles = 2 megacycles 15. 365.25 days = 1 unicycle 16. 2000 mockingbirds = 2 kilomockingbirds 17. 52 cards = 1 decacards 18. 1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 FigNewton 19. 1000 milliliters of wet socks = 1 literhosen 20. 1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche 21. 1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin 22. 10 rations = 1 decoration 23. 100 rations = 1 C-ration 24. 2 monograms = 1 diagram 25. 4 nickels = 2 paradigms 26. 2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital = 1 IV League 27. 100 Senators = Not 1 decision  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-09-2006 08:47 PM                        Rated G Lorraine Since my nephew, a civil engineer, had to spend quite a bit of time on a construction site to supervise the work, he felt that he, like the workers, should wear a safety helmet. He ordered one, and the company shipped it parcel post. When the package arrived, he wondered if he should really trust the helmet with his safety: the parcel was labelled FRAGILE.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-21-2006 02:05 PM                        Rated G Math Trick for Engineers Here is a math trick so unbelievable that it will stump you. Personally I would like to know who came up with this and why that individualis not running the country. 1. Grab a calculator. (you won 't be able to do this one in your head) 2. Key in the first three digits of your phone number (NOT the area code) 3. Multiply by 80 4. Add 1 5. Multiply by 250 6. Add the last 4 digits of your phone number 7. Add the last 4 digits of your phone number again 8. Subtract 250 9. Divide number by 2 .............. Do you recognize the answer?  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-16-2006 01:46 PM                        Rated G As project manager for a firm of consulting engineers, I had to keep our field crews supplied with survey stakes. One day the receptionist advised me a man selling stakes was out front. After he was settled in my office, I told him I'd be interested in an initial purchase of a hundred. His face broke into a wide smile, which was replaced by a puzzled expression when I continued. We would pay 59 cents each; they must be 36 inches long with a good point at one end and should not break when pounded into the ground. After a moment's silence he explained he was selling frozen sirloin steaks.  |  IP: Logged System Notices Forum Watchdog / Soup Nazi Posts: 215 Registered: Apr 2004 posted 03-06-2008 10:03 AM                 It has been 475 days since the last post.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-06-2008 10:03 AM                        Rated G Engineers: Bubba and Ray were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up. A woman walked by and asked what they were doing. "We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole," said Bubba, "but we don't have a ladder." The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her pocket,took a measurement, announced, "Eighteen feet, six inches," and walked away. Ray shook his head and laughed. "Ain't that just like a woman! We ask for the height and she gives us the length!" Bubba and Ray are currently doing government work, supervising in Washington, D.C..  |  IP: Logged

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