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Author Topic: Management Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-05-2003 12:08 PM                        Rated G The Three Biggest Corporate Lies 3 Biggest Software Lies: The program's fully tested and bugfree. We're working on the documentation. Of course we can modify it. 3 Biggest Computer Room Lies: As long as you remember to 'SAVE' your input, you'll never lose any files. We run the stuff through as fast as it comes in the door. The new machines on order. 3 Biggest Large Company Lies: We have an entrepreneurial spirit here. People are our greatest resource. We say 'let the marketplace decide'. 3 Biggest Small Company Lies: We have an entrepreneurial spirit here. The boss is just one of the guys. Staying small is a conscious decision. 2 Biggest Marketing Lies: Immediate delivery?...No problem. We treat every customer as if they were our most important  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-05-2003 12:10 PM                        Rated G . . . Old accountants never die; they just lose their balance. . . Old underwriters, on the other hand, just take less risks.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-05-2003 12:12 PM                        Rated G . . The only way to tell if a broker is lying is to check if his lips are moving. On the other hand,insurance company executives don't lie... they really just don't know what the the truth is!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-11-2003 08:41 AM                        Rated PG A Shocking Story At a company during the winter months the static buildup due to the dry air from the heating system was becoming quite a problem. People and equipment were getting zapped constantly. The receptionist was particularly hard hit as people were handing her stuff all day. An enterprising engineer decided to connect a wire with clips on each end from his sock to his shoe to ground the static. He was so proud of himself that he went to the receptionist and proclaimed he had fixed the static problem. He then proceeded to walk in circles dragging his feet to prove that it worked. He reached his hand toward her to complete the demonstration. A big blue spark flew from his hand to her closest body part (her left breast) and she screamed like a wounded wolverine. It seems the clip had fallen off his sock.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-11-2003 08:49 AM                        Rated G A Dead Horse: Reflections On Business Today Dakota tribal wisdom says that when you discover you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount. However, in business we often try other strategies with dead horses, including the following: 1. Buying a stronger whip. 2. Changing riders. 3. Saying things like "This is the way we always have ridden this horse." 4. Appointing a committee to study the horse. 5. Arranging to visit other sites to see how they ride dead horses. 6. Increasing the standards to ride dead horses. 7. Appointing a tiger team to revive the dead horse. 8. Creating a training session to increase our riding ability. 9. Comparing the state of dead horses in today's environment. 10. Change the requirements declaring that "This horse is not dead." 11. Hire contractors to ride the dead horse. 12. Harnessing several dead horses together for increased speed. 13. Declaring that "No horse is too dead to beat." 14. Providing additional funding to increase the horse's performance. 15. Do a CA Study to see if contractors can ride it cheaper. 16. Purchase a product to make dead horses run faster. 17. Declare the horse is "better, faster and cheaper" dead. 18. Form a quality circle to find uses for dead horses. 19. Revisit the performance requirements for horses. 20. Say this horse was procured with cost as an independent variable. 21. Promote the dead horse to a supervisory position.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-11-2003 08:54 AM                        Rated G Your Guide To Safe Fax Q. Do I have to be married to have safe fax? A. Although married people fax quite often, there are many single people who fax complete strangers every day. Q. My parents said they never had fax when we were young and had to write to each other until they were twenty-one. How old do you think someone should be before they fax? A. Faxing can be performed at any age once you learn the correct procedures. Q. If I fax something to myself, will I go blind? A. Certainly not, as far as I can see. Q. There is a place on our street where you can go and pay for fax. I this legal? A. Yes!!! Many people have no other outlet for their fax drives and must pay a 'professional' when their need for fax becomes too great. Q. Should a cover always be used for faxing? A. Unless you are really sure of the one you are faxing, a cover should be used to ensure safe faxing. Q. What happens when I incorrectly use the procedure and I fax prematurely? A. Don't panic! Many people prematurely fax when they haven't faxed in a long time. Just start over; most people don't mind if you try again. Q. I have a personal and a business fax. Can transmissions become mixed up? A. Being bi-faxual can be confusing, but as long as you use a cover with each one, you won't transmit anything you're not supposed to  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-11-2003 09:18 AM                        Rated G Best Excuses When Caught Napping In Your Cubicle 1. It's okay... I'm still billing the client. 2. They told me at the blood bank this might happen. 3. This is just a 15-minute power nap like they raved about in that time-management course you sent me to. 4. I was working smarter-not harder. 5. Whew! I musta left the top off the liquid paper. 6. I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm! 7. This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people! 8. I was testing the keyboard for drool-resistance. 9. I'm actually doing a Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan (SLEEP) I learned at the last mandatory seminar you made us attend. 10.This is in exchange for the six hours last night when I dreamed about work! 11. I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. 12. Damn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem. 13. The coffee machine is broken... 14. Wasn't sleeping. Was trying to pick up contact lens without my hands. 15. The mailman flipped out and pulled a gun so I was playing dead to avoid getting shot  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-11-2003 12:33 PM                        Rated G Stan in Miami A traveler wandering on an island inhabited entirely by cannibals comes upon a butcher shop.This shop specialised in human brains differentiated according to source. The sign in the shop read: Actuary' Brains..... $9/lb Loss Control Brains..... $12/lb Underwriters' Brains..... $15/lb Claims Adjusters' Brains ....$33/lb Insurance Executives' Brains.... $87/lb Upon reading the sign, the traveler noted,"My those insurance executives' brains must be something!" To which the butcher replied,"Are you kidding! Do you have any idea how many of them you have to kill to get a pound of brains?!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-09-2004 08:01 AM                        Rated G Employee Handbook UPDATED EMPLOYEE HANDBOOK DRESS CODE It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers, and carrying a $600 Gucci Bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise.If you dress poorly,you need to learn to manage your money better,so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.If you dress in-between,you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise. SICK DAYS We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness.If you are able to go to the doctor,you are able to come to work. PERSONAL DAYS Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year.They are called Saturday & Sunday. BEREAVEMENT LEAVE This is no excuse for missing work.There is nothing you can do for dead friends,relatives or co-workers.Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements.In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary,the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon.We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early. RESTROOM USE Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom.There is now a strict 3 minute time limit in the stalls. Atthe end of three minutes,an alarm will sound,the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken.After your second offense,your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders" category. LUNCH BREAK Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy.Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch,because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast. Thank you for your loyalty to our company.We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore,allquestions,comments,concerns,complaints,frustrations,irritations,aggravations,insinuations,allegations,accusations, contemplations,consternation,and input should be directed elsewhere. Have a nice week! THE MANAGEMENT  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-04-2004 01:29 PM                        Rated XX It has come to the attention of upper management that the shit we've been passing down to middle management has not been getting properly prioritized.Thus we have come up with the following company standards.There are now four official categories of shit... Bullshit: One of us had nothing better to do and so this shit was created.This must receive the highest priority as until we find something better to do,we will be giving this shit our full attention. Holy Shit: Actually this should receive the highest priority as it is the shit created when one of us has gotten a bug up his or her ass. No Shit: This is shit you already know, but with minor quibbling variations. Give it your full attention as we will quiz you on this shit. Little Shit: Okay, this is the stuff that should be on the top of your shit list. It comes from recently promoted upper managers looking to emphasize the importance of their new positions. As their egos are riding on the priority you give to their shit, giving it highest priority is the best way to keep them from sulking which could cause a drop in their shit production. All shit _will_ fit one of these categories except for shit that doesn't.Shit that doesn't fit a category is meaningless shit, which is of course the most important shit of all.Failure to adhere to these standards which have been designed to help you get your shit together will result in you being shit out of luck. Your cooperation is appreciated, Philip M. O'Magnesia King Shit  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-10-2004 09:32 AM                        Rated G A party of economists went climbing in the Alps. After several hours they became hopelessly lost. One of them studied the map for some time, turning it up and down, sighting on distant landmarks, consulting his compass and the sun. Finally he said, "Okay, see that big mountain over there?" The others all agreed that they did. "Well, according to the map, we're standing on top of it."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-22-2005 03:25 PM                        Rated G Management always has to have the last word. Case in point: During a meeting at our financial consulting firm, a co-worker was asked to guesstimate a realistic closing rate for the larger cases we were handling. "I'd have to say 20 percent," he answered. "No, no, no," Interrupted our boss. "It's more like one in five!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-08-2006 07:04 AM                        Rated G B.B. Once upon a time, in a nice little forest, there lived a blind little bunny and a blind little snake. One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down. This, of course, knocked the snake about quite a bit. "Oh, my," said the bunny, "I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I've been blind since birth, so, I can't see where I'm going. In fact, I don't even know what I am." "It's quite okay," replied the snake. "Actually, my story is much the same as yours. I, too, have been blind since birth. Tell you what, maybe I could kinda slither over you, and figure out what you are, so at least you'll have that going for you." "Oh, that would be wonderful," replied the bunny. So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, "Well, you're covered with soft fur; you have really long ears; your nose twitches; and you have a soft cottony tail. I'd say that you must be a bunny." "Oh thank you! Thank you," cried the bunny in obvious excitement. The bunny suggested to the snake, "Maybe I could feel you with my paw, and help you the same way you've helped me." So the bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked, "Well, you're scaly and very smooth, you have a forked tongue, and no backbone. I'd say you must be either a politician, a lawyer, or someone in upper management."  |  IP: Logged

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