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Author Topic: The Land Down Under Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-09-2003 12:06 PM                        Rated G Michele Children can no longer sit on Santa's knee in a New Zealand town of Mosgiel because of fears over liability. Those wanting to tell Santa their Christmas list are being directed to sit on specially decorated "elf chairs." Gail Thompson, secretary of the Mosgiel Business Association, which is organizing the event, calls the precaution "ridiculous" but necessary, reports Britain's Sky News. "None of us really want the risk of someone saying in 15 years' time 'When we sat on Santa's knee..." she says. Graham Glass, who will be Santa, alsocalled it ridiculous. "I can't believe we have become so politically correct," he says.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-02-2004 11:14 AM                        Rated G Denny in Yonkers ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET 12659 CASE OF THE PREGNANT LADY A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus.She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her.She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin,so she moved again.The man seemed more amused.When on the fourth move,the man burst out laughing,she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested. The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself. The man replied,"Well your Honor,it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat under a sweets sign that said, "The Double Mint Twins are Coming" and I grinned. Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, "Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling",and I had to smile.Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, "William's Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain myself.BUT,your Honor,when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said,"Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident"...I just lost it." "CASE DISMISSED!!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-03-2004 09:31 AM                        Rated G JerseyT Driving along an outback road in Australia, I spied an exotic bird flying overhead. The creature was black,with a huge and striking red-and-gold beak. "Hey, look! A toucan!" I yelled. "Toucan nothin'," said the Aussie passenger. "It's a crow with its beak stuck in a McDonald's fries carton."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-09-2005 10:08 AM                        Rated G Definitive Guide to Aussies 1. The bigger the hat, the smaller the farm. 2. The shorter the nickname, the more they like you. 3. Whether its the opening of Parliament, or the launch of a new art gallery, there is no Australian event that cannot be improved by a sausage sizzle. 4. If the guy next to you is swearing like a wharfie he's probably a media billionaire. Or on the other hand, he may be a wharfie. 5. There is no food that cannot be improved by the application of tomato sauce. 6. On the beach, all Australians hide their keys and wallets by placing them inside their sandshoes. No thief has ever worked this out. 7. Industrial design knows of no article more useful than the plastic milk crate. 8. All our best heroes are losers. 9.The alpha male in any group is he who takes the barbecue tongs from the hands of the host and blithely begins turning the snags. 10. It's not summer until the steering wheel is too hot to hold. 11. A thong is not a piece of scanty swimwear, as in America, but a fine example of Australian footwear. A group of sheilas wearing black rubber thongs may not be as exciting as you had hoped. 12. It is proper to refer to your best friend as "a total bastard". By contrast, your worst enemy is "a bit of a bastard". 13. Historians believe the widespread use of the word "mate" can be traced to the harsh conditions on the Australian frontier in the 1890s, and the development of a code of mutual aid, or "mateship". Alternatively, Australians may just be really hopeless with names. 14. The wise man chooses a partner who is attractive not only to himself, but to the mosquitoes. 15. If it can't be fixed with pantyhose and fencing wire, it's not worth fixing. 16. The most popular and widely praised family in any street is the one that has the swimming pool. 17. It's considered better to be down on your luck than up yourself. 18. The phrase "weve got a great lifestyle" means everyone in the family drinks too much. 19. If invited to a party, you should take cheap red wine and then spend all night drinking the host's beer. (Don't worry, he'll have catered for it). 20. If there is any sort of free event or party within a hundred kilometres, you'd be a mug not to go. 21. The phrase "a simple picnic" is not known. You should take everything you own. If you don't need to make three trips back to the car, you're not trying. 22. Unless ethnic or a Pom, you are not permitted to sit down in your front yard, or on your front porch. Pottering about, gardening or leaning on the fence is acceptable. Just don't sit. That's what backyards are for. 23. The tarred road always ends just after the house of the local mayor. 24. On picnics, the Esky is always too small, creating a food versus grog battle that can only ever be resolved by leaving the salad at home. 25. When on a country holiday, the neon sign advertising the motel's pool will always be slightly larger than the pool itself. 26. The men are tough, but the women are tougher. 27. The chief test of manhood is one's ability to install a beach umbrella in high winds. 28. Australians love new technology. Years after their introduction, most conversations on mobile phones are principally about the fact that the call is "being made on my mobile". 29. There comes a time in every Australians life when he/she realises that the Aerogard is worse than the flies. 30. And, finally, don't let the tourist books fool you. No-one EVER says "cobber" to anyone... EVER! It also doesn't have the bit about the true test for immigration to Australia. They give potential new Aussies the following test: Mowing a sloping lawn (at least 20 degree angle) in a pair of thongs holding a VB while watching the cricket. If you can't pass that chances are you will never be able to pass yourself off as a true Aussie.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-10-2005 11:39 AM                        Rated PG Bruce is driving over the Sydney Harbour Bridge one day when he sees his girlfriend, Sheila about to throw herself off. Bruce slams on the brakes and yells, "Sheila, what the hell d'ya think you're doing?" Sheila turns around with a tear in her eye and says, "G'day Bruce. You got me pregnant and so now I'm gonna kill myself." Bruce gets a lump in his throat when he hears this. He says "Strewth Sheila.....Not only are you a great shag, but you're a real sport too." And drives off.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-31-2005 01:23 PM                        Rated G The Australian Poetry Competition had come down to two finalists; a university graduate and an old aboriginal man. They were given a word, then allowed two minutes to study the word and come up with a poem that contained the word. The word they were given was "TIMBUKTU". First to recite his poem was the university graduate. He stepped to the microphone and said: Slowly across the desert sand Trekked a lonely caravan Men on camels two by two Destination - Timbuktu. The crowd went crazy! No way could the old aboriginal man could top that they thought. But the old aboriginal calmly made his way to the microphone and recited: Me and Tim a hunting' went Met three whores in a pop up tent They was three, and we was two So I bucked one, and Timbuktu.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-16-2005 04:30 PM                        Rated G An Australian journalist was stopped at a Syrian Checkpoint in the bullet-pocked suburb of West Beirut. The Syrian soldier said, "Get out of the car and open the trunk!" The Australian replied, "I'm sorry, but the handbrake on the car is broken. I can't take my foot off the brake or it'll roll back down the hill." So the Syrian says, "Do you take me for a FOOL?!", as he slides into the passenger seat, and stamps his big boot onto the brake pedal. "Now go and open the TRUNK !!" So the journalist reluctantly complies witht he soldiers request,and goes and opens the trunk of the car. "Now", shouts the Syrian from inside the car, "Is there any contraband in there?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-24-2005 01:06 PM                        Rated PG Brian Now that the Aussies have decided it's all right, after all, to call everyone "mate," I'd just like to clarify the status of another charming native expression. There was, at one time, a fashion for referring to we British visitors as "Shitface Pommy Bastards." Is that now, in, or out? Perhaps some Shitface Digger Bastard would care to enlighten us. P.S. Sorry about the cricket. Not.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-24-2005 04:12 PM                        Rated G A bloke's wife went missing while holidaying on the Australian coast. He spent a terrible night wondering what could have happened to her. Next morning there was a knock at the door and he was confronted by a couple of pretty miserable policemen, the old Sarge and a younger Constable. The Sarge said: "Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some really bad news, but, some good news and maybe some really good news." "Well," says the bloke, "You'd better let me have it both barrels, what's the bad news?" The Sarge said, "I'm really sorry pal, but your wife is dead. Young Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the reef. He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead." The bloke was naturally pretty distressed to hear this and had a bit of a turn. After a few minutes he pulled himself together and asked what the good news was. The sarge said, "Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few really good sized crays (lobsters) and a swag of edible crabs in and around her swimsuit, so we've brought you your share." And he handed the bloke a bag with a couple of nice crays and four or five crabs in it. "Gee thanks," said the man. "They're bloody beaut... I guess it's an ill wind and all that. Now, what's the really good news? " "Well", the Sarge said, "Me and young Bill here get off duty at around 11 o'clock and we're gonna shoot over there and pull her up again!... You fancy comin' along?  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-16-2005 03:25 PM                        Rated R Australian Men - Simon What is the Australian animal that most resembles the Australian male? The wombat, because he eats, roots(,) and leaves. Why do so many Australian men suffer premature ejaculation? Because they have to rush back to the pub to tell their mates what happened! What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball? A man will actually search for a golf ball. Men are like ... Laxatives ...They irritate the crap out of you. Men are like ... Bananas ... The older they get, the less firm they are. Men are like ... Vacations ... They never seem to be long enough. Men are like ... Weather ... Nothing can be done to change them. Men are like ... Blenders ... You need One, but you're not quite sure why. Men are like ... Chocolate Bars ... Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips. Men are like ... Coffee ... The best ones are rich, warm, & can keep you up all night long. Men are like ... Commercials ... You can't believe a word they say. Men are like ... Department Stores ... Their clothes are always 1/2 off. Men are like ... Government Bonds ... They take soooooooo long to mature. Men are like ... Mascara ... They usually run at the first sign of emotion. Men are like ... Popcorn ... They satisfy you, but only for a little while. Men are like ... Snowstorms ... You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last. Men are like ... Lava Lamps ... Fun to look at, but not very bright. Men are like ... Parking Spots ... All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-16-2005 03:27 PM                        Rated R Two blokes bump into eachother in the supermarket. Sorry mate, says the first one, I am a bit nervous, I lost my wife, can't find her anywhere. Second bloke replies; gee, I can't find mine either, how about we go and look for them together? Sure, says the first one, what does you wife look like? Eh well, she's blonde, long hair, tall slim body, well tanned, large breasts and she's wearing a tight fitting low cut black dress. What does your wife look like? Forget about my wife, says the other bloke, let's go and look for yours!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-08-2005 10:26 AM                        Rated G AUSTRALIA:Where men are men and sheep are nervous.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-11-2006 09:20 AM                        Rated G "A Russian cosmonaut has an emergency during his reentry into Earth's atmosphere, and his spaceraft crash-lands in the Austrialian bush. When he comes to conciousness, he finds himself in a bush medical clinic, bandaged from head to toe. Standing at the side of his cot is a tough and tanned Aussie doctor. 'Did I come here to die?' the cosmonaut asks gravely. 'No, mate,' the doctor replies,' 'ya came here yestadie...'"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-11-2006 11:25 AM                        Rated G Gerry Returning home after a tour of the U.S. an Australian aborigine told his tribes people about the strangest sight he had seen. "It was called a courtroom," he said. "And in it, one man sat silent, another was talking constantly, and when it was over, twelve people ignored the one who was talking and condemned the man who hadn't said a word!"  |  IP: Logged System Notices Forum Watchdog / Soup Nazi Posts: 215 Registered: Apr 2004 posted 09-29-2007 01:15 PM                 It has been 567 days since the last post.  |  IP: Logged

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