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Author Topic: Bad Jokes! Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-10-2003 12:29 PM                        Rated G Terrible Ghost Jokes What did the ghost shake at the party? Her boOoOo-ty Who was the ghosts favorite former UN Secretary General? BoOoOo-trous BoOoOo-trous Ghali What disease frightens ghosts the most? BoOoOo-bonic Plague What do ghosts use to make beef or chicken broth? BoOoOo-llion cubes What sound do crying ghosts make? BoOoOo-hoo What was the ghosts favorite TV show? BoOoOo-ffy the Vampire Slayer  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-28-2003 03:04 PM                        Rated G Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-12-2003 09:10 AM                        Rated S for Stink's: This is a test joke. It is only a test and not to be a real joke. You can safely ignore this test. No laughter is expected or required.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-16-2003 06:06 AM                        Rated G Sue Bee I was driving down a lonely Colorado country road one cold winter day when it began to sleet pretty heavily. My windows were getting icy and my wiper blades were badly worn and quickly fell apart under the strain. Unable to drive any further because of the ice building up on my front window I suddenly had a great idea. I stopped and began to overturn large rocks until I located two very lethargic hibernating rattlesnakes. I grabbed them up, straightened them out flat and installed them on my blades, and they worked just fine. What! You've never heard of wind-chilled vipers??  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-16-2003 11:29 AM                        Rated G For the Kids What happened when the teacher fell in the copier? She was beside herself. Do zombies rule? Of corpse they do! What do you call death by pig stampede? Sooey-cide. Why do you look out the window in the morning? Because you can't see through walls, and you can't see anything at night anyway. Why did the kid dump a bucket of water off the school roof? He wanted to make a big splash in front of his class. Who is always your friend at school? Your princi-pal. At school, I saw my principal walking around in a daze. I asked him what happened, and he just looked at me and said, "I've lost my faculties!" Why don't sharks eat clowns? Because they taste funny. What kind of bar do fish go to? A sand bar. My dog has no nose. That's terrible! How does he smell? Awful. What does a turkey do when he flies upside down? He gobbles up. What do modern artists eat for breakfast? Surreal. Holy Kleenex, Batman! He was right under our nose, and we blew it!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-17-2003 08:18 AM                        Rated XX A man went to one of those official government buildings to get a driver's license. After waiting in lines all day,he became rather peeved when he finally got to a clerk. "I need a Fuckin' license," the man mumbled. "I'm sorry, I didn't hear you," the clerk said, "did you say you needed a hunting license?" "No," said the man, "I just need an ordinary Fucking license." "Oh," said the clerk, "you mean you need a license to Fuck." The man was astonished for a moment, and finally asked "Is there really such a thing?" "Of course there is," said the clerk, "It used to be called a marriage license, but the politically-correct term now is 'a license to Fuck.'" The man was quite surprised to hear this,and forgetting his odyssey in search of a driver's license,he decided that he would never believe that there was such a thing as a license to Fuck, unless he saw it for himself. "Well, yes, that's what I want," he told the clerk, "I want to get a license to Fuck. Where do I go to get it?" "Go down this corridor and into the second room on the right," said the clerk. So the man followed the instructions and went into a large room with many people, most of whom were police officers,waiting in a long line. For a while he unsuccessfully looked around for a sign that would satisfy his curiosity about the license to Fuck, and he began to think that the clerk was joking, but then he realized how absurd that thought was.He knew he could never be satisfied unless he found out whether there really was such a license,so he timidly approached a rather pleasant-looking police officer at the end of the line,and asked, "Excuse me, sir, but is this the line for the license to Fuck?" "No," said the officer, "that line is over there.This here is the line for the license to kill."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-26-2003 03:14 PM                        Rated G An Irishman walks out of a bar. Daryl- that was me with you. [ 04-26-2003, 04:22 PM: Message edited by: Bob Maar ]  |  IP: Logged Daryl C. W. O'Shea Film God Posts: 3977 From: Midland Ontario Canada (where Panavision & IMAX lenses come from) Registered: Jun 2002 posted 04-26-2003 03:38 PM                        I've seen that happen! Of course the bar had been drank dry and we were headed to the next bar.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-06-2003 03:26 PM                        Rated G A group of prisoners are in their rehabilitation meeting. Their task for today is to each stand up in turn speak their name and admit to their fellow inmates what crime they committed. The first prisoner stands and says "My name is Daniel and I'm in for murder" Everyone gives him approving looks and pats on the back for admitting his wrongdoing. The next guy stands up and says "My name is Mike and I'm in for armed robbery" Again, there is a round of approving looks. This goes around the circle until it gets to the last guy. He stands up and says "My name is Luke, but I'm not telling you what I'm in for" The group leader says "Now, come on Luke, you have to admit it to us to make any progress. Tell us what you did." "Ok then. I'm in for fucking dogs." Everyone is disgusted! They all shout "What??!! How LOW can you get!" "Well...I did manage do to a dachshund one time, but I had to lift her back legs up a little", Luke replies.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-17-2003 11:51 AM                        Rated G Really Bad Jokes Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows? They're making headlines! Why didn't the little girl want to leave nursery school? She wanted to be a nurse. When is a school paper not a school paper? When it's turned into the teacher. What do flies wear on their feet? Shoos. What's Mary short for? She's got no legs. What is a dentist's favorite musical instrument? A tuba toothpaste. Why was Jon walking backwards on the first day of school? Everyone kept saying it was back to school time. Why does a chicken coop have only two doors? If it had four, it would be a chicken sedan. What do you say when a dog runs away? Dog-gone!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-17-2003 11:58 AM                        Rated G R. Boles was an amazing man. Every day, he would climb a palm tree and fly it to work. Word got to the military about the abilities of this man. They brought him to the base to see if the rumors were true and if his abilities might be used. The man was worried because he could see no palm trees. But nobody would listen. They told him, "Trees is trees, right?" Anyway, they brought him to the general, who wanted him to demonstrate what he could do. He said, "But sir, this is an elm tree." But the general snarled back, "Trees is trees, right? Now get in that tree, and fly." The man climbed the tree and tried to fly it. He tried and tried again, but the tree wooden even budge. The general got impatient. "What's the matter, son? Can't you fly trees?" "Sir, that's what I've been trying to tell everyone. I'm a palm pilot!"  |  IP: Logged System Notices Forum Watchdog / Soup Nazi Posts: 215 Registered: Apr 2004 posted 03-19-2008 01:10 PM                 It has been 1737 days since the last post.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-19-2008 01:10 PM                        Rated G Lorraine QUESTION: What do you call an aerobics instructor who doesn't cause pain and agony? ANSWER: Unemployed.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-19-2008 01:17 PM                        Rated G B.B. Did you hear about the thief who stole a calendar and got twelve months?  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-19-2008 01:23 PM                        Rated G Lorraine When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.  |  IP: Logged

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