We've all come across some of these guys before. Unless you're a girl, that is. Want to know the generic name for that odd guy you saw 3 urinals down? Look no further.

1. Excitable: Shorts half-twisted around, cannot find hole, rips shorts.

2. Sociable: Joins friends in piss whether he has to or not.

3. Cross-eyed: Looks into the next urinal to see how the other guy is fixed.

4. Timid: Cannot piss if someone is watching, flushes urinal, comes back later.

5. Indifferent: All urinals being used, pisses in sink.

6. Clever: No hands, fixes tie, looks around, usually pisses on floor.

7. Worried: Not sure of where he has been lately, makes quick inspection.

8. Frivolous: Plays stream up, down and across urinal, tries to hit flies and bugs.

9. Absent-minded: Opens vest, pulls out tie, pisses in pants.

10. Childish: Pisses directly in bottom of urinal, likes to see it bubble.

11. Sneaky: Farts silently while pissing, acts very innocent, knows man in other stall will be blamed.

12. Patient: Stands very close for a long time, reads with free hand.

13. Desperate: Waits in long line, teeth grinding, pisses in pants.

14. Tough: Bangs dick on side of urinal to dry.

15. Efficient: Waits until he has to crap and does both.

16. Fat: Backs up and takes a blind shot at urinal, pisses in shower.

17. Little: Stands on box, falls in, drowns.

18. Drunk: Holds left thumb in right hand, pisses in pants.

19. Disgruntled: Stands for a while, gives up, walks away.

20. Conceited: Holds two-inch dick like baseball bat.

21. Confused: Is actually a woman who wandered in by mistake.

22. Show-off: Stands as far back as he can, challenges other guys to distance contests.

23. Horny: Stands close, masturbates, ejaculates in urinal.

24. Kinky: Brings girlfriend/wife in, has sex in the urinal.

25. Eye-Catcher: Cross dresser walks in.

26. Newbie: Asks for help.

27. Meek: Takes a toilet stall for the sole purpose of pissing.

28. Comparative: Looks at his own penis, then at his neighbor's, wishes he was the other guy.

29. Chronic diarrhea: Can't wait for a toilet stall to open up, takes a dump in a urinal.

30. In a hurry: Walks in, pisses on floor, walks out.

31. Embarrassing: Babysitting father takes you and daughter into the restroom, daughter asks a lot of questions.

32. Neat freak: Carries in a can of Lysol, cleans his urinal before and after use.

33. Hungry: Carries in a fast-food lunch, eats while pissing.

34. Juvenile: Takes a urinal for the sole purpose of vandalizing the wall above it.

35. Pimp: Vandalizes the wall with easy girl's numbers.

36. Playa: Takes a urinal just to get those numbers.

37. Whore: Walks in and writes her own number above a urinal.

38. Moral: Tapes a message to the wall warning people of sex or drugs.

39. Angry: Kicks in the back of the urinal to relieve anger.

40. Curious: Uses the kicked-out urinals just to see where his piss will end up.

41. Mid-life crisis: Asks guys what their pissing style is, tries it to see if it makes him feel younger.

42. Techno-geek: Brings in a web-cam.

43. Cruel: Blocks urinals until they get paid for moving.

44. Crueler: Doesn't pay, pisses on the cruel guy.

45. Cruelest: Doesn't pay, pisses on the guy, robs him of what he made.

46. Wonderment: Says something along the lines of "What did I drink to make it THAT color?"

47. Scientific: Analyzes the guy's abnormal piss, mails him the results.

48. Molasses: Takes so long to piss, he falls asleep against the wall.

49. Tricky: Sticks left leg into urinal, pisses down leg, piss ends up in his shoe usually.

Dear Pastor, I know God loves everybody but he never met my sister. Yours sincerely, Arnold. Age 8, Nashville.

Dear Pastor, Please say in your sermon that Peter Peterson has been a good boy all week. I am Peter Peterson. Sincerely, Pete- Age 9, Phoenix

Dear Pastor, My father should be a minister. Every day he gives us a sermon about something. Robert, Age 11, Anderson

Dear Pastor, I'm sorry I can't leave more money in the plate, but my father didn't give me a raise in my allowance. Could you have a sermon about a raise in my allowance? Love, Patty.Age 10, New Haven

Dear Pastor, My mother is very religious. She goes to play bingo at church every week even if she has a cold. Yours truly, Annette Age 9, Albany

Dear Pastor, I would like to go to heaven someday because I know my brother won't be there. Stephen. Age 8, Chicago

Dear Pastor, I think a lot more people would come to your church if you moved it to Disneyland. Loreen. Age 9, Tacoma

Dear Pastor, I liked your sermon where you said that good health is moreimportant than money but I still want a raise in my allowance. Sincerely, Eleanor Age 12, Sarasota

Dear Pastor, Please pray for all the airline pilots. I am flying to California tomorrow. Laurie. Age 10, New York City

Dear Pastor, I hope to go to heaven someday but later than sooner. Love, Ellen Age 9, Athens

Dear Pastor, Please say a prayer for our Little League team. We need God's help or a new pitcher. Thank you. Alexander. Age 10, Raleigh

Dear Pastor, My father says I should learn the Ten Commandments. But I don't think I want to because we have enough rules already in my house. Joshua. Age 10, South Pasadena

Dear Pastor, Who does God pray to? Is there a God for God? Sincerely, Christopher Age 9, Titusville

Dear Pastor, Are there any devils on earth? I think there may be one in my class. Carla. Age 10, Salina

Dear Pastor, I liked your sermon on Sunday. Especially when it was finished. Ralph, Age 11, Akron

A bus driver and a priest died and were standing at the door of heaven.

Peter looked at the bus driver and said, "Well done, good and faithful servant. Enter and go live forever in that large mansion overlooking the valley."

The priest, thought to himself, "Boy, if he gets that, what am I going to get?"

Peter then turned to him and said, "Well done, enter and go live forever in that small cottage at the bottom of the valley."

The priest then set foot down the valley feeling humbled and not a little jealous.

He then turned round and shouted to Peter, "Hey, how come he, a bus driver, got a beautiful mansion and me, a priest, only got a dinky little cottage at the bottom of the valley?"

Poem
I'm Glad I'm A Man

Every single day, I give thanks to God
that I was born a man instead of a broad
I don't shave my legs, I stand up to pee
When Oprah comes on, I turn off the TV

I go to a barber, not a beauty salon
Don't pluck out my eyebrows just to draw them back on
Don't wax my pubes so I can wear shorts
I use my turn signal, I understand sports

Man, I'm glad I'm a man, man
Tell you the reason I am man
I dont' go through a faze, every 28 days
Man, I'm glad I'm a man, man

I pay cash at the grocery, no checks or coupons
Don't take lots of friends when I go to the john
I don't buy shoes just because they're on sale
and I don't throw a fit when I break a nail

Man, I'm glad I'm a man, man
Tell you the reason I am, man
I don't face the pain of water-weight gain
Man, I'm glad I'm a man, man

I don't apply makeup in my rear-view mirror
I don't think of Bambi when I'm out hunting deer
I drink beer from a bottle and not from a glass
I don't ask my friends about the size of my ass

Oh, I love your fair faces
And your warm, soft embraces
and I love those things inside of your blouse
But if God took a rest and I woke up with breasts
Not once would I ever leave the house

Man, I'm glad I'm a man, man
Tell you the reason I am, man
I don't take a pill, I don't use Massengill
Man, I'm glad I'm a man, man

I don't spend hours getting ready for a date
I don't play with dolls unless they inflate
After sex in bed, my spot's always dry
and when someone asks my age, I never lie

I don't read about orgasms in Vogue magazines
I don't mind if my dates try to get in my jeans
I don't spend a fortune on French lingerie
These are probably the same shorts I wore yesterday

Jake is struggling through an airport terminal with two huge and obviously heavy suitcases when a stranger walks up to him and asks: "Have you got the time?"

Jake sighs, puts down the suitcases and glances at his wrist. "It's a quarter to six", he says.

"Hey, that's a pretty fancy watch!" exclaims the stranger.

Jake brightens a little. "Yeah, it's not bad. Check this out..." And he shows him a time zone display not just for every time zone in the world, but for the 86 largest metropolis. He hits a few buttons and from somewhere on the watch a voice says "The time is eleven till six" in a very West Texas accent. A few more buttons and the same voice says something in Japanese. Jake continues, "I've put in regional accents for each city. The display is unbelievably high quality and the voice is simply
astounding." The stranger is struck dumb with admiration.

"That's not all...", says Jake. He pushes a few more buttons and a tiny but very hi-resolution map of New York City appears on the display. "The flashing dot shows our location by satellite positioning", explains Jake. "View recede ten," Jake says, and
the display changes to show eastern New York state.

"I want to buy this watch!" Says the stranger.

"Oh, no, it's not ready for sale yet; I'm still working out the bugs," says the inventor. "But look at this," and he proceeds to demonstrate. "The watch is also a very creditable little FM radio receiver with a digital tuner, a sonar device that can
measure distances up to 125 meters, a pager with thermal paper printout and, most impressive of all, the capacity for voice recordings of up to 300 standard-size books, though I only have 32 of my favorites in there so far." Says Jake.

"I've got to have this watch!" Says the stranger.

"No, you don't understand; it's not ready."

"I'll give you $1000 for it!"

"Oh, no, I've already spent more than..."

"I'll give you $5000 for it!"

"But it's just not..."

"I'll give you $15,000 for it!" And the stranger pulls out a checkbook.

Jake stops to think. He's only put about $8,500 into materials and development, and with $15,000 he can make another one and have it ready for merchandising in only six months. The stranger frantically finishes writing the check and waves it in front of
him.

"Here it is, ready to hand to you right here and now. $15,000. Take it or leave it."

Jake abruptly makes his decision. "OK", he says, and peels off the watch and hands it to the stranger.

They make the exchange and the stranger starts happily away.

Men vs. Woman

** 8 things you'll never hear a man say:

8. Here honey, you use the remote.

7. You know, I'd like to see her again, but her breasts are just too big.

6. Ooh, Antonio Banderas AND Brad Pitt? That's one movie I gotta see!

5. While I'm up, can I get you anything?

4. Sex isn't that important, sometimes I just want to be held.

3. Aww, forget Monday night football, let's watch Melrose Place.

2. Hey, let me hold your purse while you try that on.

1. We never talk anymore.

** 8 things you'll never hear a woman say:

8. What do you mean today's our anniversary?

7. Can we not talk to each other tonight? I'd rather just watch TV.

6. Ohhhhhh, this diamond is wayyyyyyyyy tooooooo big!

5. Can our relationship get a little more physical? I'm tired of being 'just friends'

4. Honey, does this outfit make my butt look too small?

3. Aww, don't stop for directions, I'm sure you'll be able to figure out how to get there.

2. I don't care if it's on sale, $300 is way to much for a designer dress.

The Meaning Of Rejection Lines Used By Women:

10. I think of you as a brother.
(You remind me of that inbred banjo-playing geek in "Deliverance")

9. There's a slight difference in our ages.
(I don't want to do my dad)

8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way.
(You are the ugliest dork I've ever laid eyes upon)

7. My life is too complicated right now.
(I don't want you spending the whole night or else you may hear phone calls from all the other guys I'm seeing)

6. I've got a boyfriend.
(I prefer my male cat and a half gallon of Ben and Jerry's)

5. I don't date men where I work.
(I wouldn't date you if you were in the same 'solar system', much less the same building)

4. It's not you, it's me.
(It's you)

3. I'm concentrating on my career.
(Even something as boring and unfulfilling as my job is better than dating you)

2. I'm celibate.
(I've sworn off only the men like you)

1. Let's be friends.
(I want you to stay around so I can tell you in excruciating detail about all the other men I meet and have sex with. It's that male perspective thing)

Top 10 Rejection Lines Given By Men

10. I think of you as a sister.
(You're ugly)

9. There's a slight difference in our ages.
(You're ugly)

8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way.
(You're ugly)

7. My life is too complicated right now.
(You're ugly)

6. I've got a girlfriend.
(You're ugly)

5. I don't date women where I work.
(You're ugly)

4. It's not you, it's me.
(You're ugly)

3. I'm concentrating on my career.
(You're ugly)

2. I'm celibate.
(You're ugly)

A doctor was having an affair with his nurse.

Shortly afterward, she told him she was pregnant.

He gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there.

"But how will I let you know the baby is born?'' she asked.

He replied, ''Just send me a postcard and write 'spaghetti' on the back. I'll take care of expenses.''

Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy.

Six months went by and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office and explained, ''Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don't understand what it means.''

The doctor said, ''Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to you.''

Later that evening, the doctor came home, read the postcard, fell to the floor with a heart attack.

Two guys have been camping in the woods for over a week and are beginning to get a little annoyed with each other. One says to the other, "Today we should spend some time apart. You hike to the north, I'll hike to the south and then we will meet back here and discuss our hikes over a campfire."

The day turns to night and the two men meet at the campsite and one says to the other, "So,how was your day?"

"Oh, it was fabulous. I hiked towards the south, down into the valley and swam in this crystal blue stream and laid out in the sun until I was dry. When I woke up I saw a deer drinking from the stream and it was the most serene vision I have ever had.
How was your day?"

The other camper says, "Well, I hiked north and came upon these railroad tracks. I followed them until I found this woman tied to the tracks so I untied her and we had sex all day long, in every position imaginable. It was the best sex I ever had and
when we just couldn't do it anymore, I hiked back here."

The other camper responds, "Wow! your day was much better than mine! Did you get a blowjob too?"

Alex sets up his friend Bob to go on a blind date with his cousin.

Bob is a little worried about going out with someone he's never seen before. "What do I do if she's ugly?" says Bob, "I'll be with her all night."

"Don't worry," Alex says, "just go up to her door and meet her first. If you like what you see, then everything goes as planned. If you don't, just shout 'Aaaaaauuuggghhh!' and fake a Heart attack."

So that night, Bob knocks at the girl's door and when she comes out he is awe-struck at how hot and sexy she is.

A flea had oiled up his little flea legs and his little flea arms and was soaking up the Miami sun when an old flea friend of his walked by. "Oscar, what happened to you?" asked the first flea when he saw how terrible his friend looked -- runny nose,
red eyes, teeth chattering.

"I got a ride down here in some biker's mustache and nearly froze my nuts off," wheezed Oscar.

"Let me give you a tip, old pal," said the first flea. "Go to the stewardess lounge at the airport, get up on the toilet seatand when a stewardess comes in, hop on for a nice warm ride. Got it?"

A month later, while stretched out on the beach, the flea saw Oscar again,looking more chilled and miserable than before. "I did everything you said," Oscar explained. "I went to the stewardess lounge, made a perfect landing and got so warm and
cozy that I dozed off."

"And so?" asked the first flea.

A man is sitting in the pub, having a round with his pals when the most gorgeous woman enters the room. The man is dumbfounded by this woman's beauty and comments about her to his mates.

"Yeah, she is pretty good." his mate replies, "Pity she's a man."

The man is shocked, "No way!"

"No, it's true. A friend of mine knows her personally."

The man is dissapointed that such a fine looking woman is in fact a man. But at the same time, he is curious. He tells his mates that he is going to find out what sex he/she really is.

So the man goes up to the "woman" and strikes up a converstaion. They hit it off really well. And the man is loving it because this woman is even better looking up close. Before long the man suggests that he drives them out to a secluded spot and get to know each other. The woman agrees.

They drive to the woods and are getting hot and heavy in the back of the car. They continue the "clothes on" making out for a while, until the woman gets out of the car, explaining that she has to answer to the call of nature.

"This is my chance," thinks the man, "I'll follow her and find out what sex she is." So he walks into the woods ducking behind trees in case he isseen, until he sees the woman standing with something long dangling between her legs.

"Damn! She's got a dick!" he thinks, "She's a man." The man is outraged and races towards her, dives down and grabs the thing between her legs.

"Oh my gosh!" The woman cries, "I didn't know you were following me!"

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him aquestion.

The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window.

For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!"

The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much."

The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault.

A fireman came from work one day and told his wife, "You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station. Bell 1 rings and we all put on our jackets. Bell 2 rings and we all slide down the pole. Bell 3 rings and we're ready to go on the trucks."

"From now on," he said, 'we're going to run this house the same way. When I say Bell 1, I want you to strip naked. When I say Bell 2, I want you to jump into bed. When I say Bell 3, we're going to screw all night."

The next night the fireman came home from work and yelled, "Bell 1!" and his wife took off her clothes. "Bell 2," and his wife jumped into bed. "Bell 3, and they began to screw.

After two minutes his wife yelled, "Bell 4!"

"What's this Bell 4?" the husband asks.