Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits.

After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude.

In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door. "Who is it?", calls one of the nuns. "Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door.

The two nuns look at each other and shrug, and, deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door.

"Nice tits," says the man, "where do you want these blinds?"

 

Have you ever watched one of those T.V. specials honoring advertisement commericals? Well I saw a goodie! These two nuns are walking along in their convent when they happen upon a naked stone cherub statue with it's dick broken off! The two nuns blush, pick up the dick and procede to go to Mother Superior. Mind you that not a word is spoken during this commerical! Well, they blush again as they present the broken dick to Mother Superior, who in turn blushes back. She then pulls a particular brand of super-glue from her desk drawer and flashes the brand name to the viewers.(so now we know what the advertisement is for!). The three of them then walk back to the statue and Mother Superior glues the dick back on DOWN! As the three of them walk away, one of the nuns does a quick double-back and flips the dick UP!-end of commerical. No Shit - this was a real commerical - I think Dick Clark and Ed McMahon were the hosts!
 

I think this will be ok for this thread - its about sisterhood women/nuns?

Well, there is this group of sisterhood women or nuns (take your pick) and they are out on a field trip/outing. Their bus is involved in a wreck and they all die. Well, they go up to the Pearly Gates, but lo and behold, they were unexpected and there were no accomodations for them! So as a temp solution, the Angels ask the Devel for a favor, if he could put them up for a week or so until their accomodations in Heaven could be prepared. So, the Devel says no problem and puts the nuns/sisterhood women up. Well, several months go by and it finally dawns on the Angels in Heaven that they plain bum forgot about those poor ole women! So they beseech the Devel's forgiveness and offer to take the women off his hands! So, the Devel replied "No Dice, since they've been here, they raised several million dollars and air conditioned the whole place!"
 

Brad? Are you a nice Catholic boy too ... creating a "nuns" thread like that?

Anyway ...

Two nuns are walking down the street late at night after a mission to the poor when two men in black masks jump them from an alley. After stealing what little money the nuns are carrying, the men throw the nuns to the ground and begin raping them.

The younger, less world-weary nun casts her eyes to heaven and says, "Forgive them, Father, for they know not what they do!"

The older nun looks over at the younger nun and says, "Mine does."
 

A nun was going to Chicago. She went to the airport and sat down waiting for her flight. She looked over in the corner and saw one of those weight machines that tells your fortune. So, she thought to herself "I'll give it a try just to see what it tells me.

She went over to the machine and put her nickel in, and out came a card that said, "You're a nun you weigh 128lbs and you are going to Chicago, Illinois." She sat back down and thought about it.

She told herself it probably tells everyone the same thing, but decided to try it again. She went back to the machine and put her nickel in. Out came a card that read, "You're a nun, you weigh 128lbs., you're going to Chicago, Illinois, and you are going to play a fiddle." The nun said to herself, "I know that's wrong, I have never played a musical instrument a day in my life."

She sat back down and from nowhere a Cowboy came over and set his fiddle case down next to her. The nun picked up the fiddle and just started playing beautiful music. Startled, she looked back at the machine and said, "This is incredible. I've got to try it again."

Back to the machine she goes. She put her nickel in and another card came out. It said, "You're a nun, you weigh 128lbs., you're going to Chicago, Illinois, and you're going to break wind. Now, the nun knows the machine is wrong! "I've never broke wind in public a day in my life!" Well, she tripped, fell off the scales and broke wind.

Stunned, she sat back down and looked at the machine. She said to herself, "This is truly unbelievable! I've got to try it again."

She went back to the machine, put her nickel in and collected the card. It said, "You're a nun, you weigh 128lbs., you have fiddled and farted around and missed your flight to Chicago!"

A Nun and a Priest were crossing the desert on a camel.

On the third day out the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning.

After dusting themselves off, the nun and the priest surveyed their situation. After along period of silence, the priest spoke. "Well sister this looks pretty grim."

"I know father." The nun answered,

"In fact," said the priest, "I don't think it will be likely that we can survive more than a day or two"

"I agree." said the nun.

"Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive would you do something for me?"

"Anything father."

"I've never seen a women's breast before, would you show me yours?"

"Well under the circumstances I don't see it being a problem." The nun opened her habit and the priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely breast.

"Father, could I ask something of you?"

"Yes sister,"

"I have never seen a man's penis, could I see yours?"

"I supposed that would be OK," the priest replied and lifted his robe.

"Oh father may I touch it?"

This the priest allowed and soon sported a huge erection. "Sister, you know if I put this in the right place it can give life?"

"Is that true father?"

"Yes it is sister."

"Then stick it up the camels arse, and lets get the fuck out of here...."   
 

Two Nuns were happily strolling through Central Park one day when a streaker runs by...

One Nun had a Stroke!

The other one couldnt quite reach

There were 4 women who wanted to become nuns.  

They went to the convent and went thru all the steps to become a nun.

They're Mother Superior had one more thing for them to do.  It was a cleasing excercise.  They had to wash away any sexual impurities with holy water.  

There was to be complete silence while this was done.

The first nun had seen a dick so she splashed the holy water on her eyes and walked away.  

The second nun had touched a dick so she dipped her hands in the holy water and walked away.  J

ust before the 3rd nun approached the holy water the 4th nun raised her hand.  

Mother Superior said "what is it,child?"  

The forth nun said, "Can I go before her (the 3rd nun)?"   

"why, child?"   

The 4th nun answered, "because if you think that I'm gargling with that water after she sits in it you're out of your damn mind!!!!"
 

A nun is sitting with her Mother Superior chatting."I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible about it."

"When did you use this awful language?" asks the elder.

"Well, I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 280 yards, but it struck a phone line that was hanging over the fairway and fell straight down tothe ground after going only about 10 yards."

"Is that when you swore?"

"No, Mother," says the nun. "After that, a squirrel ran out ofthe bushes and grabbed my ball in its mouth and began to run away.

"Is THAT when you swore?" asks the Mother Superior again

"Well, no." says the nun. "You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!"

"Is THAT when you swore?" asks the amazed elder nun.

"No, not yet. As the eagle carried the squirrel away in its claws, it flew near the green and the squirrel dropped my ball."

"Did you swear THEN?" asked Mother Superior, becoming impatient.

"No, because the ball fell on a big rock, bounced over the sand trap, rolled onto the green, and stopped about six inches fro the hole."

The two nuns were silent for a moment.

Then Mother Superior sighed and said, "You missed the fucking putt, didn't you?" 
 

Sister Mary Katherine lived in a convent, a block away from Jack's liquor store.

One day, in walked Sister Mary Katherine and she said, "Oh Jack, give me a pint o' the brandy."

"Sister Mary Katherine," exclaimed Jack, "I could never do that! I've never sold alcohol to a nun in my life!"

"Oh Jack," she responded, "it's only for the Mother Superior." Her voice dropped. "It helps her constipation, you know."

So, Jack sold her the brandy. Later that night Jack closed the store and walked home. As he passed the convent, who should he see but Sister Mary Katherine; and she was snookered.

She was singing and dancing, whirling around and flapping her arms like a bird, right there on the sidewalk.  

A crowd was gathering, so Jack pushed through and exclaimed, "Sister Mary Katherine! For shame! You told me this was for the Mother Superior's constipation!"

Sister Mary Katherine didn't miss a beat as she replied: "And so it is, me lad, so it is. When she sees me, she's going to shit!"
 

Three nuns passed every day through a street that led from church to the reformatory.

They noticed a parrot that stood at the entrance of a big residential house.

Every time they passed in front of that house, the parrot would pronounce three sequential colors.

One day they heard "yellow,blue, black."

One of the nuns noticed that those colors perfectly matched the color of their underwear. She mentioned her discovery to the other two nuns, but both were reluctant to believe that could be possible.

The next day they all wore black underwear and passed in front of the house. Precisely the parrot spoke "black, black, black."Hearing that, the three nuns were astonished!

One of the nuns suggested: "Girls, tomorrow we are going to trick that bird."

Saying that, she recommended that the next day they would not wear underwear under their vestments. Respecting their agreement, the next day they wore no underwear and proceeded to pass in front of the Parrot's house.

They peeked at the bird. At he beginning, it looked a bit puzzled, swung back and forth ont he cane on which he rested......after a while the Parrot spoke,"Straight, Straight, Curly!" 
 

A nun was walking into the convent, when the priest noticed she was gaining a little weight.

"Gaining a little weight are we sister Susan?" he asked.

"Oh no father, just a little gas." sister Susan replied.

A month later the priest noticed that she had gained even more weight.

"Gaining a little weight are we sister Susan?" he asked.

"Oh no father, just a little gas." she replied.

A couple of months later the priest noticed sister Susan pushing a baby carriage around the convent.

He leaned over and looked in the carriage and said, "Cute little fart."   
 

A young nun joined a church to serve God. She was very religious and very good. It all happened one day, she suddenly had this desire to have sex. She knew it's wrong but she couldn't help it. Confused, she consulted with an elder nun for solution.

The Old nun handed her a gun and said, "Well, my young one, in this sort of situation, you can go somewhere, where nobody canfind you, and fire a blank shot from the gun. It'll ease your desire."

The Young Nun didn't believe it, but she thought, what could be worse? So she found herself a place and shot the gun. Mysteriously, the desire had vanished. The young Nun thanked the Old nun.

Days after days, week after weeks, the desire started to grow stronger and stronger. The Young nun started to fire the gun more and more. She couldn't help it. Disturbed, she wondered why the Old nun seemed to have no sexual desire or whatsoever. She decided to investigate.

One afternoon after lunch, the young nun followed the Old nun until she went back to her room. After hours of waiting, the Old nun came out with a huge backpack, sneaking out the church. The curious young nun followed her.

The old nun stopped at the tip of the hill behind the church. The young nun hid behind a bush and observed. To her horror, the Old nun grabbed two assault rifles from the pack, and started firing, with a grenade launcher ready at hand...
 

One day three nuns are riding their bikes around the front of the church.

The head nun comes out and says, "Five more minutes girls!"

"Weeee!" the nuns cry. Five minutes later the head nun comes out again.

"Tea time!" she yells.

"Weeeee!" The nuns are having the time of their lives.

Another five minutes passes and now the head nun is pissed off.

She storms out and yells, "That's it! If you three don't come in right now, I'm gonna put the seats back on those bikes!"
 

One day there were three nuns standing outside the gates of heaven waiting to enter. St. Peter approached them and asked the first nun, "Do you know who the first man was on earth?" She said, "Ummm that's tough ... Adam?" Bells rang, angels sang, the gates opened, and she walked in.

Then St. Peter went to the second nun and asked, "Do you know who the first woman was on earth?" She said, "Ummmm ... Eve?" Bells rang, angels sang, the gates opened, and she walked in.

St. Peter then asked the third and last nun, "What were the first words Eve said to Adam?" The third nun said, "Hmmmm, that's a hard one." Bells rang, angels sang, the gates opened, and she walked right in.
 

Dumb nun

A priest is teaching a nun how to swim and the nun says to the priest "Will I really sink if you take your finger out?"

At the head of a Catholic school's lunch line was a large pile of apples. Next to the pile was a sign written by a nun. The sign read, "Take only one apple, God is watching."

At the end of the lunch line was a large basket of chocolate chip cookies. Next to the basket was a sign written by a young boy. This sign read, "Take all the cookies you want. God is watching the apples.
 

Three nuns on a train had been getting to know one another anddecided to tell each other what their greatest sins were.

The first nun says, "My greatest sin is sex. Every year I go out for a week and work as a prostitute. Of course, I put all the money I earn into the poor box."

The second nun says, "My greatest sin is drinking. Every year I take the money from the poor box and go out drinking for a solid week."

The third just sits there quietly.

So the first nun says to her, "Come on, we've told you our worst sins. Now you have to tell us yours."

The third nun says, "My greatest sin is that I gossip, and I can't wait to get off this train!"
 

A priest gets a flat tire fixed. As the car's coming down on the lift, the priest asks the mechanic, "Are the lug nuts tight ?"

The mechanic says, "Tight as a nun's twat."

The priest frowns and says, "You better give them another turn then.
 

IT'S ONLY LOGICAL
These 2 nuns went out the convent to sell cookies. One of them is known as Sister Mathematical (S.M.), the other is known as Sister Logical (S.L.). It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

S.L. : Have you noticed a man that has been following us for the past half hour?
S.M.: Yes, I wonder what he wants.

S.L. : It's logical. It's logical. He wants to rape us.
S.M. : Oh, no ! At this pace he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most. What can we do ?

S.L. : The only logical thing to do of course. We have to start walking faster.
S.M.: It is not working.

S.L. : Of course it is not working. The man did the only logical thing to do. He also started to walk faster.
S.M. : So, what shall we do? At this pace, he will reach us in less than 1 minute.

S.L. : The only logical thing we can do is to split. You go that way and I will go this way. He can’t follow us both.”

So, the man decided to go after Sister Logical. Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried because Sister Logical has not arrived yet. Finally, Sister Logical arrives.

S.M. : Sister Logical! Thank God you are here. Tell us what happened?
S.L. : The only logical thing happened. The man could not follow both of us, so he decided to go after me.

S.M. : So, what happened. Please tell us.
S.L. : The only logical thing to happen. I started to run as fast as I could. The man also started to run as fast as he could.

S.M. : And what else ?
S.L. : The only logical thing to happen. He reached me.
S.M. : Oh, no. What did you do then ?

S.L. : The only logical thing to do. I took my dress up.
S.M. : Oh, Sister. What did the man do?

S.L. : The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.
S.M. : Oh, no! What happened then?

S.L. : Isn't it logical Sister? A nun with her dress up runs faster than a man with his pants down.
 

How do you get a nun pregnant?

Dress her up like an altar boy.
 

A nun one night enters a liquor store and asks the keeper of the shop for some alcohol. "I can't. It's just not right. It goes against my conscience and religious beliefs to sell booze to a nun." he says. "But I must have it for medicinal proposes for the mother superior," she tells him pleadingly.

"Sister, I just can't. Don't ask this of me, please," he begs. "I must, it's our last resort to help the good mother with this personal problem. A sample of your brew might be the cure." she tries to explain.

"And you swear this is for nothing more than medicinal proposes?" he asks. "I lay to you the promise that is true on the cross of Christ," she swears with hand over heart.

"All right, you can have the smallest bottle in the shop." he cedes. "That is more than enough, thank you, and god bless." She buys the stuff and leaves.

Later that night, after closing shop and heading home through the park, the keeper runs into the little nun, sloshed out of her mind on a park bench. "Sister, you lied to me, you swore to Christ that the booze I sold you would be for medicinal proposes
for mother superior," he said, hurt and confused.

"I dina ly, it iss for the motfer sup-(hichup)-erior. Maybe she'll quit a bitchen and finnally shit (burp) when she sees me."
 

One day 3 nuns were sitting on a park bench and this guy jumped out of the bushes and flashed them.

The 1st had a stroke, the 2nd one had a stroke, and the 3rd one's arm was too short.
 

Mother Theresa is at the pearly gates. - No problem getting past St. Peter.

Makes it with flying colors. - She is walking about heaven and is meeting plenty of people she knew from her years down below.

After about a week she is beginning to get a bit puzzled and she goes to seek an audience with God. She gets to see him without any problems.

"God, it's really great to be here," says Mother Theresa, "I have a few questions though".

"Fire away Theresa." says the big man

"Everyone up here seems to have halos, why haven't I got one?"

"Well not everyone has one. Only the good people and even they have to wait the customary ten years."

"I don't mean to be picky," says Theresa, "but I saw Princess Diana and she's got a halo."

"Oh no," says God "that's not a halo, that's a steering wheel."
 

A nun wanted to enter a racehorse into a race.

But then she realized that they cost way too much, so instead, she bought a donkey.

The next day, she enters it into a contest and it comes in third.

The headlines read, ''Nun's Ass Chokes.''

The next day, she entered it in another competition and this time it came in first.

The headlines were, ''Nun's Ass Wins Grand Prize.''

The following day, the owner scratched the donkey from the race.

The headlines read, ''Booker Scratches Nun's Ass.''

And on the next day, the nun sold the donkey for a really cheap price.

The headlines were ''Nun Sells Her Ass for $5.''
 

A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road, he stopped and offered her a lift which she accepted.

She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her habit to open and reveal a lovely leg.

The priest had a look and nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthfully slid his hand up her leg.The nun looked at him and immediately said, "Father, remember psalm 129?"

The priest was flustered and apologized profusely.He forced himself to remove his hand. However, he was unable to remove his eyes from her leg. Further on while changing gear, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said,"Father, remember psalm 129?"

Once again the priest apologized. "Sorry sister but the flesh isweak." Arriving at the convent, the nun got out gave him a meaningful glance and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to retrieve a bible and looked up psalm 129.It said, "Go forth and seek, further up you will find glory.

"MORAL OF THE STORY:Always be well informed in your job or you might miss a great opportunity!
 

An English man, Irish man, and a Scotsman are in Calcutta.

An old nun walks past and the Scotsman says, "I wonder if that's Mother Theresa."

The English man says, "Let's ask her." So they ask her if she is the holy woman, to which she replies, "Piss off you ugly perverts!"

As they watch her walk away, the Irishman, who had been silent, says "Oh...now we'll never know!"

 

True Story: I dated a woman for three years & found out she was a nun.....she gave nun in morning, nun in the afternoon & nun at night !!
 

Mistaken Identity

A drunk guy is walking down the street. He sees this nun, runs up and knocks her over. He says, "You don't feel so tough now, do you, Batman!?"
 

What is the height of inosense?

A Nun packaging condoms thinking they are coats for mice.
 

What's the definition of innocence?

A nun working in a condom factory, thinking she's making little sleeping bags for mice.

Two nuns are at a traffic light, when a man starts to squeegee their windshield.

"Go away!" says one of the nuns. "We haven't got any money!"

The man continues to wash their windows.

"Show him your cross," says the other nun.

"Okay. Fuck off!"
 

A young priest was visting a convent.

One day he was taking shower, when he realized that he didn't have any soap.

He wrapped a towel around himself and ran to his room, hoping no one saw him. He got to his room, grabbed the soap and was running back to his shower.

On his way, his towel came off, but he heard two nuns coming down the hallway. He was forced to leave the towel, and stand like a statue.

When the nuns came to him, one said, ''Look! A new soap dispenser!''

Another said, ''How you get the soap?''

So one pulled on his dick, and a bar of soap fell from his hand.

''Look! I got a bar of soap!'' said the nun.

he second nun pulled on his dick.
 

Three nuns decided to quit so they went to the Mother Superior and said, "We don't want to be nuns anymore, how do we quit?" The mother told them, "Do something unholy and come back here in 24 hours." So the nuns left thinking, "What can I do that's unholy?"
The next day they went to the mother one at a time. The mother said tot he first nun, "What unholy thing did you do?" and the nun said "I stole a kid's bike." The mother said, "I guess that will do, go drink some holy water. When the nun did she wasn't a nun anymore and she left the convent.

The second nun walked in and the mother said, "What unholy thing did you do?" The nun replied, "I slept with a married man!" The mother said, "Well, that's sinning. Go drink holy water."

The third nun walked in and the mother said, "What unholy thing did you do?" The third nun said proudly, "I pissed in the holy water!"
 

Sitting behind a couple of nuns at a football game, three men decided to badger the nuns in an effort to get them to move.

In a very loud voice, the first guy said, "I think I'm going to move
to Utah, there are only 100 Catholics living there..."

The second guy spoke up and said, "I want to go to Montana, there are
only 50 Catholics living there..."

The third guy spoke up and said, "I want to go to Idaho, there are only 20
Catholics living there..."

One of the nuns turned around, and looked at the men, and calmly said,

"Why don't you go to hell, there aren't any Catholics there."

 

Two nuns are at a traffic light, when a man starts to squeegee their windshield.

"Go away!" says one of the nuns. "We haven't got any money!"

The man continues to wash their windows.

"Show him your cross," says the other nun.

"Okay. Fuck off!"
 

Slippery Slope

A nun was walking down the corridor when suddenly she trips up. She yells out in pain, "Oh Christ! Oh God, I said Christ! Oh shit, I said God! Oh, fuck, I said shit! Oh, who wants to be a fucking nun anyway?"
 

Sister Mary burst into the office of the principal of Our Lady of Perpetual Motion parochial school in an advanced state of agitation.

"Father!" she cried, "just WAIT until you hear this!"

The priest led the sister to a chair, and said, " Now just calm down and tell me what has you so excited?"

"Well, Father" the nun began, "I was just walking down the hall to the chapel and I heard some of the older boys wagering money!"

"A serious infraction, indeed!" said the priest.

"But that's not what has me so excited, father" replied the nun, " it was WHAT they were wagering ON! They had wagered on a contest to see who could urinate the highest on the wall!!"

"What an incredible wager!" exclaimed the priest,"What did you do?"

"Well, I hit the CEILING, father."

"How much did you win?"
 

The wise old Mother Superior was dying.

The nuns gathered around her bed, trying to make her comfortable.

They gave her some warm milk to drink, but she refused it.

Then one nun took the glass back to the kitchen.Remembering a bottle of whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened it and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.

Back at Mother Superior's bed, she held the glass to her lips.

Mother drank a little, then a little more, then before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop.

"Mother, Mother" the nuns cried, "Give us some wisdom before you die!"

She raised herself up in bed with a pious look on her face and pointing out the window, she said "Don't sell that cow."
 

There were two nuns...One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM for short), and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL for short).

It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SM:" Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants."

SL:" It's logical. He wants to rape us."

SM: "Oh my god sister, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most. What can we do?"

SL: "The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster."

SM: "Oh sister, It's not working."

SL: "Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster too."

SM: " Oh my, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute."

SL: " Sister, the only logical thing we can do is split up. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both."

So the man decided to follow Sister Logical. Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical. 15 minutes pass and then Sister Logical finally arrives, all out of breath!

SM: "Sister Logical !! Oh Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!"

SL: "Why, of course, the only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me."

SM:"Yes, yes! and what happened then?"

SL: "Why the only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as Icould and he started to run as fast as he could!!"

SM: " And...And ? "

SL: " The only logical thing happened. He reached me!! "

SM: "Oh, dear! What did you do? "

SL: "The only logical thing I could do. I lifted my dress up!!"

SM: " Oh, Sister! And what did the man do?"

SL: "The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants !!"

SM: "Oh, no! What happened then????? "

SL: " Isn't it logical, Sister?

"A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pantsdown!!!!"

And for those of you who thought it would be otherwise, say two Hail Marys...

A nun was sitting with her Mother Superior chatting. "Mother Superior, I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible about it."

"When did you use this awful language?" asked the elder.

"Well, I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that was going to go 280 yards, but it struck a phone line over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after only 100 yards."

"And that's when you swore?"

"No, Mother," says the nun. "After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in its mouth and began to run away."

"Is THAT when you swore?" asked the Mother Superior.

"Well, no," says the nun. "You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!"

"Is THAT when you swore?" asked the amazed elder nun.

"No, not yet. As the eagle carried the squirrel away in its claws, it flew near the green and the squirrel dropped my ball."

"Did you swear THEN?" asked Mother Superior impatiently.

"No, because the ball fell on a big rock, bounced over the sand trap, rolled onto the green, and stopped about six inches from the hole."

The two nuns were silent for a moment.

Then Mother Superior sighed, "You missed the fucking putt, didn't you?

Two foreign nuns have just arrived in the USA by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs."

"Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do."

Nodding emphatically, the Mother Superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk towards the cart.

"Two dogs, please," says one.

The vendor is only too pleased to oblige and he wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over the counter. Excited, the nuns hurry over to a bench and begin to unwrap their 'dogs'.

The Mother Superior is first to open hers. She begins to blush and then, staring at it for a moment, leans over to the other nun and whispers cautiously, "What part did you get?"
 

A man was in the hospital recovering from an operation when a nun walked into his room. She was there to cheer up the sick and lame.

They start talking and she asks about his life.

He talks about his wife and his 13 children.

"My, my," says the nun, "13 children, a good, proper Catholic family. God is very proud of you."

"I'm sorry Sister," he says, "I am not Catholic, I'm Jewish."

"Jewish!" she replies, "You sex maniac you."
 

Q: Di you hear about the wandering Nun?

A: They call her a Roman Catholic.
 

49ers New Hires

Why did the 49ers hire two nuns and a prostitute? They wanted two tight ends and a wide receiver.

 

NUN ON THE RUN!

Dr. Johnson was walking down the hall toward his office when he passed Sister Francine walking hurridly the other direction while saying her rosary very loudly.

His associate, Dr. Wheil, comes around the corner next chuckling to himself....

"Hey, what's with Sister Francine? She was just tearing down the hall and saying her rosary like there was no tomorrow!"

"Aw, I just told her she was pregnant."

"You're kidding! Is she really?"

"No, of course not, but it sure cured her hiccups!"
 

The contemplative routine of the convent was being disrupted by the presence of workmen converting theelectrical service from overhead lines to buried cable.

Mother Superior called the electric company's complaint department to ask for help, "The profanity these men use constantly is unsuitable for ourcommunity. You must make them stop cursing so much."

"Very well, sister. But you must make allowances for their habits. Even when they are trying to be tactful,they will still tend to call a spade a spade," said the company spokeswoman.

Mother superior then observed, "I think the term they actually use is 'fucking shovel.'"

 

Three Hells Angels are sitting at a table in a transport cafe
when in walks a nun, takes a seat next to them and begins to eat.

Astonished, one of them says, "I went to my parents wedding last week and we all got shit-faced."

The nun continues to eat even though she obviously heard the exchange.

Being quick on the uptake the second one says, "My dad says he will marry my mother next year."

Despite this the nun stays right where she is. Eager to get a response from the nun, the third one says, "My old man will never
EVER marry my mother!"

The nun looks up from her food and says, "Would one of you bastards please pass the salt?"

 

The wise old Mother Superior from county Tipperary was dying.

The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make here comfortable. They gave her some warm milk to drink, but she refused it.

Then one nun took the glass back to the kitchen.  Remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened it and poured a generous amount into the warm milk. 

Back at Mother Superior's bed, she held the glass to her lips. Mother drank a little, then a little more. Before she knew it, she had drank the whole glass down to the last drop. 

"Mother," the nuns asked in earnest, "Please give us some wisdom before you die." Barely audible and with a serene look on her face, she said, "Don't sell that cow."
 

Nuns & Wieners!

Two foreign nuns have just arrived in the USA by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs."

"Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do."

Nodding emphatically, the Mother Superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk towards the cart.

"Two dogs, please," says one.

The vendor is only too pleased to oblige and he wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over the counter. Excited, the nuns hurry over to a bench and begin to unwrap their 'dogs'.

The Mother Superior is first to open hers. She begins to blush and then, staring at it for a moment, leans over to the other nun and whispers cautiously, "What part did you get?"


 

HANDWRITTEN ON THE WALL OF MOTHER THERESA’S ROOM

People are often unreasonable, illogical, and self-centred; forgive them anyway.

If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives; be kind anyway.

If you are successful, you will win some false friends and some true enemies; be successful anyway.

If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you; be honest and frank anyway.

What you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight; build it anyway.

If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous; be happy anyway.

The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow; do good anyway.

Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough; give the world the best you’ve got anyway.

You see, in the final analysis, it is between you and God; it never was between you and them anyway.
 

Rated G ...........-A 'family event"...

4 Young Nuns

Rated PG Alex

Rated G

Rated PG Sue Bee

Rated G

Rated X

"A Nun and A Priest in a Desert"

Rated PG

Rated R

Rated PG

Rated X

Q: How do you get a Nun pregnant?

Rated G

Rated G

Rated G Michele

Rated PG

Mother superior at the grocery:

Rated G

Rated G

Rated R

Rated G

Rated G Michele

Rated G

Rated G Michele

Rated G

Question:

Rated PG

Rated G

Rated G B.B.

Rated G

Rated G

Rated G

Rated R

Rated PG Three Nuns and St. Peter

There were three nuns driving down a highway one day when they lost control of their car and plunged off a cliff.

They awoke and found themselves standing before the pearly gates. St. Peter walked toward them and, after greeting them, told them that they would have to answer one question each before they were admitted to the kingdom of heaven.

Rated G

Rated G Margaret

Rated G cutie pa2ti

Rated G

Rated G Paula

Rated G

Rated X

Rated R Hank in SDimi Valley

Rated R

Rated G

Rated G Sandy in Coronado

GRADING PAPERS


Can you imagine yourself to be the nun that is sitting at her desk grading these papers all the while trying to keep a straight face and maintain her composure!

PAY SPECIAL ATTENTION TO THE WORDING AND SPELLING. IF YOU KNOW THE BIBLE EVEN A LITTLE, YOU'LL FIND THIS HILARIOUS! IT COMES FROM A CATHOLIC ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEST KIDS WERE ASKED QUESTIONS ABOUT THE OLD AND NEW TESTAMENTS. THE FOLLOWING STATEMENTS ABOUT THE BIBLE WERE WRITTEN BY CHILDREN. THEY HAVE NOT BEEN RETOUCHED OR CORRECTED. INCORRECT SPELLING HAS BEEN LEFT IN.

Rated R

Rated B.B.

"Sister Mary"

Rated R B.B.

Rated G Jokester

Nun in the Sticks

Rated G Jokester

Rated PG Jokester

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