Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."
Customer: "OK."

Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."

Tech Support: "OK. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."

Tech Support: "OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up
until this point?"

Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote
'click'." (At this point I had to put the caller on hold to tell
the rest of the tech support staff what had happened. I
couldn't, however, stop from giggling when I got back to the
call.)

Tech Support: "OK, did you type 'click' with the keyboard?"
Customer: "I have done something dumb, right?"
 

One woman called Dell's toll-free line to ask how to install the batteries in her laptop.

When told that the directions were on the first page of the manual the woman replied angrily, "I just paid $2,000 for this damn thing, and I'm not going to read the book."
 

The following appeared in a computer magazine in Mr. Dvorak's column:

Dear Mr. Dvorak: Ann Landers wouldn't print this. I have nowhere else to turn. I have to get the word out. Warn other parents. I must be rambling on. Let me try and explain. It's about my son, Billy. He's always been a good, normal ten year old boy.

Well, last spring we sat down after dinner to select a summer camp for Billy. We sorted through the camp brochures. There were the usual camps with swimming, canoeing, games, singing by the campfire--youknow. There were sports camps and specialty camps for weight reduction, music, military camps and camps that specialized inTibetan knot tying.

I tried to talk him into Camp Winnepoopoo. It's where he went last year. (He made an adorable picture out of painted pinto beans and macaroni). Billy would have none of it. Billy pulled a brochure out of his pocket. It was for a COMPUTER CAMP!

We should have put our foot down right there, if only we had known.He left three weeks ago. I don't know what's happened. He's changed. I can't explain it. See for yourself. These are some of my little Billy's letters.

**********
Dear Mom,The kids are dorky nerds. The food stinks. The computers are the only good part. We're learning how to program. Late at night is the best time to program, so they let us stay up.

Love, Billy.

**********

Dear Mom,Camp is O.K. Last night we had pizza in the middle of the night.We all get to choose what we want to drink. I drink Classic Coke. By the way, can you make Szechuan food? I'm getting used to it now. Gotta go, it's time for the flow chart class

.Love,

Billy.

P.S. This is written on a word processor. Pretty swell, huh?It's spell checked too.

**********
Dear Mom,

Don't worry. We do regular camp stuff. We told ghost stories by the glow of the green computer screens. It was real neat. Idon't have much of a tan 'cause we don't go outside very often.You can't see the computer screen in the sunlight anyway. That wimp camp I went to last year fed us weird food too.

Lay off,Mom. I'm okay, really.
Love,

Billy.

**********

Dear Mom,

I'm fine. I'm sleeping enough. I'm eating enough. This is the best camp ever. We scared the counselor with some phony wormcode. It was real funny. He got mad and yelled. Frederick saysi t's okay.

Can you send more money? I spent mine on a pocke protector and a box of blank diskettes. I've got to chip in on the phone bill. Did you know that you can talk to people on a computer? Give my regards to Dad.

Love,

Billy.

**********

Dear Mother,

Forget the money for the telephone. We've got a way to not pay.Sorry I haven't written. I've been learning a lot. I'm real good at getting onto any computer in the country. It's really easy! I got into the university's in less than fifteen minutes.Frederick did it in five, he's going to show me how. Frederick is my bunk partner. He's really smart. He says that I shouldn't call myself Billy anymore. So, I'm not.
Signed,

William.**********

Dear Mother,

How nice of you to come up on Parents Day. Why'd you get so upset? I haven't gained that much weight. The glasses aren't real. Everybody wears them. I was trying to fit in. Believe me,the tape on them is cool. I thought that you'd be proud of my program. After all, I've made some money on it. A publisher is sending a check for $30,000. Anyway, I've paid for the next six weeks of camp. I won't be home until late August.

Regards,

William.

**********

Mother,Stop treating me like a child. True--physically I am only ten years old. It was silly of you to try to kidnap me. Do not try again. Remember, I can make your life miserable (i.e. - the bank, credit bureau, and government computers). I am not kidding. O.K.?

I won't write again and this is your only warning. The emotions of this interpersonal communication drain me.

Sincerely,

William.

**********

See what I mean? It's been two weeks since I've heard from my little boy. What can I do, Mr. Dvorak? I know that it's probably too late to save my little Billy. But, if by printing these letters you can save JUST ONE CHILD from a life of programming,please, I beg of you to do so.

Thank you very much.

Sally Gates,

Concerned Parent 
 

Young Judy, the editor of a trivia publication, was having trouble with her computer.

So she called Prem, the computer guy, over to her desk.

Prem clicked a couple buttons and solved the problem.

As he was walking away, Judy called after him, "So, what was wrong?" And he replied, "It was an "ID ten T" error."

A puzzled expression ran riot over Judy's face. "An "ID ten T" error?

What's that?..in case I need to fix it again??" He gave her a grin...

"Haven't you ever heard of an "ID ten T" error before?"

"No,"replied Judy.

"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."

She wrote..... I D 1 0 T   
 

Here are some pranks to do and play on your co-workers or other family members.

Which is Which? Make sure that the person doesn't have too many icons on their desktop. Then change all the icons to the same picture and name them the same, such as-having 10 recycle bins on your desktop and not knowing which is which.

Frozen Desktop.Move the cursor to the corner of the screen so it is unseen,make a copy of the screen and set it as the desktop background.Then make a folder some where on the hard drive and move all the icons there. The pictures of the icons will be there but you couldn't use them.

Also put the toolbar on auto-hide.Voices.Under the control panel you can change the sounds. Record yourself saying something annoying or yelling obscenities. Then put them as a commonly used sound, toolbar, open and closing programs, or selecting things.

Some of these might not work depending on the computer but they are good ways to get even with other co-workers or friends.   
 

TS: "Do you still have the box it came in?"

CUST: "Yes"

TS: "Good, put the computer back in the box and bring it to the store you bought it from. Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."
 

Dear Consumas:

It has come ta our attention dat a coupola copies of the WINDOWS 98/BROOKLYN EDITION may have accidentally bin shipped outsida Broooklyn. If ya got one a dese, you may need some help understandin' da commands. Da Brooklyn edition may be recognized by da unique openin' screen. It reads: "WINDAS 98," wit a background picture of Grand Army Plaza. When you start da program, instead of da usual "harpy, stringy" music, you hear da teme from da Godfadda. It is also shipped wit a Sopranos screen sava. Please also note: Recycle Bin is labeled "Staten Island." My Computer is called "My Friggin' Computa." The Inbox is referred to as "Da Trunk." Deleted Items are referred to as "Wacked," "Erased," or "Rubbed Out." Dial up Networking is called "Da Bar." Control Panel is known as the "Da Bosses." Performin' an "illegal operation" is known as "enhancin' the family business" and will actually maximize da program instead of shuttin' it down.Hard Drive is referred to as "Da BQE Rush Hour. Instead of an error message........ a "You ain't gonna friggin' believedis!" pops up.

CHANGES IN TERMINOLOGY IN DA BROOKLYN EDITION:
OK...................Sure ting
Cancel...........Fugetaboutit
Reset.............Start Ova
Yes.................Yeah
No...................Nah
Find................Put a contract out on
Browse..........Get a looksee
Back...............U toin
Help................(Help ain't available - yous don't need no stinkin' help) Stop.................Knock it off
Start.................Move it!
Settings..........Here's d' Rules

Also note dat any voice recognition software run on da BROOKLYN EDITION
platform don't recognize da letter "R." Some programs and udder accessories dat are exclusive to WINDAS 98:

Typa................A word processin'program
Printa...............Printer
Calculata..........Calculator
Solitare.............Seven Card Stud

We regret any inconvenience it may have caused if you received a copy of da

BROOKLYN EDITION. You may return it to Microsoft for a replacement version.

Yous got a problem wit dat?
 

Immediately scan your computer for the following viruses:

PAT BUCHANAN VIRUS: Your system works fine, but it complains loudly about
foreign software. Frequentlyaccompanies the Right-to-Life and the Randall Terry virus

COLIN POWELL VIRUS: Makes its presence known, but doesn't do anything.
Secretly, you wish it would

HILLARY CLINTON VIRUS: Files disappear, only to reappear mysteriously a year later, in another directory.

O.J. SIMPSON VIRUS: You know it's guilty of trashing your system, but you just can't prove it.

BOB DOLE VIRUS: Could be virulent, but it's been around too long to be much of a threat.

STEVE FORBES VIRUS: All files are reported as the same size

BOBBITT VIRUS: Removes a vital part of your hard disk then reattaches it. (But that part will never work again.)

OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS: Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and
then slowly expands back to 200MB.

AT&T VIRUS: Every three minutes it tells you what great service you're getting.

MCI VIRUS: Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus.

PAUL REVERE VIRUS: This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It warns you of impending hard disk attack: Once, if by LAN; twice if by C.

POLITICALLY CORRECT VIRUS: Never identifies itself as a "virus," but instead refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism."

RIGHT-TO-LIFE VIRUS: Won't allow you to delete a file, regardless of how young it is. If you attempt to erase a file, it requires you to see a counselor about possible alternatives.

ROSS PEROT VIRUS: Activates every component in your system, just before the whole thing quits.

MARIO CUOMO VIRUS: It would be a great virus, but it refuses to run.

TED TURNER VIRUS: Colorizes your monochrome monitor.

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGAR VIRUS: Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back.

DAN QUAYLE VIRUS (#2): Their is sumthing rong with your komputer, but ewe cant figyour outt watt!

GOVERNMENT ECONOMIST VIRUS: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.

NEW WORLD ORDER VIRUS: Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people
really mad just thinking about it.

FEDERAL BUREAUCRAT VIRUS: Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little
units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer.

GALLUP VIRUS: Sixty percent of the PC's infected will lose 30 percent of
their data 14 percent of the time (plus or minus a 3.5 percent margin of error).

RANDALL TERRY VIRUS: Prints "Oh no you don't" whenever you choose "Abort"
from the "Abort, Retry, Fail" message.

TEXAS VIRUS: Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file.

ADAM AND EVE VIRUS: Takes a couple bytes out of your Apple.

CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS: The computer locks up, and the screen splits in half
with the same message appearing on each side of the screen. The message
says that the blame for the gridlock is caused by the other side.

AIRLINE LUGGAGE VIRUS: You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.

FREUDIAN VIRUS: Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its own
motherboard.

PBS VIRUS: Your programs stop every few minutes to ask for money.

ELVIS VIRUS: Your computer gets fat, slow, and lazy, then self destructs, only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across rural America.

OLLIE NORTH VIRUS: Causes your printer to become a paper shredder.

NIKE VIRUS: Just does it.

SEARS VIRUS: Your data won't appear unless you buy new cables, power supply, and a set of shocks.

JIMMY HOFFA VIRUS: Your programs can never be found again.

KEVORKIAN VIRUS: Helps your computer shut down as an act of mercy.

STAR TREK VIRUS: Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before.

HEALTH CARE VIRUS: Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong, and sends you a bill for $4,500.

GEORGE BUSH VIRUS: It starts by boldly stating, "Read my docs...no new files!" on the screen. It proceeds to fill up all the free space on your hard drive with new files, then blames it on the Congressional virus.

CLEVELAND INDIANS VIRUS: Makes your 486/50 machine perform like a 286AT.

CHICAGO CUBS VIRUS: Your PC makes frequent mistakes and comes in last in
the reviews, but you still love it.
 

Subject: WINDOWS 98 RECALL It has come to our attention that a few copies of the Alabama edition of windows 98 may have accidentally been shipped outside Alabama. If you have one of the Alabama editions you may need some help understanding the commands. The Alabama edition may be recognized by looking at
the opening screen.

It reads WINDERS 98 with a background picture of General Lee super imposed on a Confederate flag. It is shipped with a Daisy Duke screen saver. Also note the Recycle Bin is labeled Outhouse, My Computer is called This Infernal Contraption,
Dialup Networking is called Good Ol' Boys, Control Panel is known as the Dern Dashboard, Hard Drive is referred to as 4 wheel drive, and floppies are them little ole plastic disc thangs.

Other features: Instead of an error message you get a winder covered with a garbage bag and duct tape.

OK = ats aww-right
cancel = hail no
reset = awa shoot
yes = shore
no = Naaaa
find = hunt-fer it
go to = over yonder
back = back yonder
help = hep me out here
stop = ternit off
start = crank it up
settings = sittins
programs = stuff at does stuff
documents = stuff I done done

Also note that winders 98 does not recognize capital letters or punctuation marks.

Some programs that are exclusive to Winders 98 :

tiperiter...........A word processor
colering book.......a graphics program
addin mershene......calculator
scratch paper ......notepad
jupe-box ...........CD Player
inner-net...........Microsoft Explorer
pichers.............A graphics viewer
IRS.................M/S accounting software
IRS2................M/S accounting software with hidden files
coon dog............American kennel club records
fishin..............Bass Anglers Sportsman Society records.
NRA.................National Rifle Association
shot gun ...........Remington Arms price list
riffel..............Winchester price list
pisstel.............Smith & Wesson price list
truck...............Ford & Chevrolet dealers in KY by zip code
house...............Nearest Mobil home repair service by zip code
car ................same as truck
cuzzins.............family history usually a 3 meg file
tax records.........usually an empty file
shells..............ammunition inventory another 3 meg file
bud.................list of Budweiser sellers by zip code
racin...............NASCAR racing schedule includes list of TV
stations that carry the races
car n truck Parts...nearest Junk yard by zip code
doc ................veterinarians by zip code

We regret any inconvenience it may have caused if you received a copy of the Alabama edition. You may return it to Microsoft for a replacement version.
 

A language professor was teaching her class that French nouns, unlike their English counterparts, are gramatically designated as masculine or feminine. "House" in french is feminine -- la maison. "Pencil" in french is masculine -- le crayon. One
puzzled student asked, "What gender is computer?" The French teacher didn't know, and the word wasn't in her French dictionary.

So for fun, she split the class into two groups, by gender, and asked them to decide whether "computer" should be masculine or feminine noun. Both groups were required to provide 4 reasons for their recommendations.

The men's group decided that computers should definitely be the feminine gender (la computer), because:

1) No one but their creator understands their internal logic.

2) The native language they use to communicate is incomprehensible to everyone else.

3) Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval.

4) As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine (le computer) because:

1) In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.

2) They have a lot of data, but they can't function on their own.

3) They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time, they ARE the problem.

4) As soon as you commit yourself to one, you realize that if you waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model
 

Some of you may have already heard this one.

How many Microsoft engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?

Answer: none. They'll just declare darkness the new standard.
 

A new employee joins the Company, and is required to have a password setup for his computer.  The boss directed a secretary to setup the password for him.

The secretary asks the man for the password.  The man, attempting to embrass the secretary in order to show superiority, said, "Penis."

Blushed, the secretary inputted the password Penis, and re-typed it again.  Then she hit enter.

The whole office heard the secretary bursting out in laughter at the reaction from the computer's screen:

"Password rejected.  Reason: too short"
 

Internet Addict

1. You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.

2. You step out of your room and realize that your parents have
moved and you don't have a clue as to when it happened.

3. Your bookmark takes 15 minutes to go from top to bottom.

4. Your nightmares are in HTML and GIFS.

5. You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling,
like you just pulled the plug on a loved one.

6. You start introducing yourself as "Jim at net dot com"

7. Your heart races faster and beats irregularly each time you
see a new WWW site address on TV.

8. You turn on your intercom when leaving the room so you can
hear if new e-mail arrives.

9. Your wife drapes a blond wig over your monitor to remind you
of what she looks like.

10. All of your friends have an @ in their names.

11. When looking at a web page full of someone else's links, you
notice all of them are already highlighted in purple.

12. Your dog has its own home page.

13. You can't call your mother... She doesn't have a modem.

14. You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you check
it again.

15. Your phone bill is a heavy as a brick.

16. You write your homework in HTML and give your instructor the
URL.

17. You don't know the sex of three of your closest friends,
because they have neutral nicknames and you never bothered
to ask.

18. Your husband tells you that he has had the beard for 2
months.

19. You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop and
check your e-mail on the way back to bed.

20. You tell the kids they can't use the computer because
"Daddy's got work to do" -- even though you don't have a
job.

21. You buy a Captain Kirk chair with a built-in keyboard and
mouse.

22. Your wife makes a new rule: "The computer cannot come to
bed."

23. You get a tattoo that says "This body best viewed with
Netscape 3.0 or higher."

24. You never have to deal with busy signals when calling your
ISP... because you never log off.

25. The last girl you picked up was only a GIF.

26. You ask a plumber how much it would cost to replace the
chair in front of your computer with a toilet.

27. Your wife says communication is important in a marriage...
so you buy another computer and install a second phone line
so the two of you can chat.

28. As your car crashes through the guardrail on a mountain
road, your first instinct is to search for the "back" button.

 

Pickup Lines for Geeks

• Nice Set of Floppies !

• Hey, how 'bout I take off your cover and  insert a bigger CPU.

• I'd like to play on your laptop.

• Need me to unzip your files?

• If you were an ISP I'd dial you all day long

• I'd like to boot up your PC !

• I'll bet my hard drive is the biggest you've ever seen. 

• I've got a 21 inch... (monitor)

• I'd get a T3 to watch your streaming video..
. 
• Your homepage or mine?
 

This memo is from an unnamed computer company.

It went to all field engineers about a computer peripheral problem. The author of this memo was quite serious, but the engineers rolled on the floor:

Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Unit). Therefore, if a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement. Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel.

Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls. Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop-off method. Domestic balls are replaced by using the twist-off method. Mouse balls are not usually static-sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge.Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately.

It is recommended that each replacer have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction. Any customer missing his balls should suspect local personnel of removing these necessary items
 

Who had the first computers?

Adam and Eve:

Adam had the Apple and Eve had the Wang.
 

New Computer Virus Problems

DR. JACK KEVORKIAN VIRUS
--Deletes all old files.

LEWINSKY VIRUS
--Sucks all the memory out of your computer ... then e-mails everyone about what it did.

RONALD REAGAN VIRUS
--Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored.

MIKE TYSON VIRUS
--Quits after two bytes.

OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS
--Your 300MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 100MB, then slowly expands to 200MB.

ELLEN DEGENERES VIRUS
--Disks can no longer be inserted.

DISNEY VIRUS
--Everything in your computer goes Goofy.

PROZAC VIRUS
--Screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn't care.

JOEY BUTTAFUOCO VIRUS
--Only attacks minor files.

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS
--Terminates some files, leaves, but IT WILL BE BAAAAAAAK.

LORENA BOBBIT VIRUS
--Re-formats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy, then discards it through Windows.

VIAGRA VIRUS
--Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy.

CLINTON VIRUS
--Gives you a six inch hard drive with NO memory.
 

One day Bill Gates left work, started driving off, and remembered he'd left his suit-jacket in the office. He stopped the car, locked the door, and ran back to the office to get the jacket.

When Bill returned to his car, he realized that he'd locked the keys inside the car, with the lights were on and the engine was still running. He ran back to the office frantic for help.

He found a security guard - and DEMANDED immediate assistance. After less than 5 seconds, the guard popped the door open, which impressed and amazed the programmer to no end.

Bill asked, "Sir, I demand that I keep THAT paperclip NOW!" Theguard replies kind of perplexed, "Sure, it's just a paper clip."

With a great big satisfied smile, Bill replied, "Great, I'll keep it in the glove compartment in case I ever do THAT again!"
 

QUESTION:
Where do the characters go when I use the backspace or delete key on my PC?

ANSWER:
If you must know, the characters can go to different places, depending on whom you ask:
----------------------------
1) The Catholic's approach to characters:

The nice characters go to character heaven, where life is good. The characters are bathed in the light of happiness, all their troubles are soothed, and there's not a delete key, eraser, or white-out bottle in sight. Most of the nice characters are A's and I's, those that have never been, er, involved with other characters. Often, you'll see A's or I'swith N's or T's. These are characters in love: monogamous on the page,
together again after deletion. You'll see quite a few Q's too. They seem to feel particularly guilty for no good reason. The naughty characters are punished for their sins. In case you were wondering what the difference between a nice character and a naughty character is, I'll tell you. Naughty characters are those involved in the
creation of naughty words, such as "breast," "sex," "objectivity," and depending upon usage, words such as "feminism," "reproductive freedom," "contraception," and "science." You may ask, and rightly so, why the characters are blamed for the words they assemble, when in fact they are not responsible for their own configuration. But we feel that a character has an obligation to oppose any naughtiness in its own configuration. If it truly felt guilty about the word it was forming, it would rebel.

---------------------------------
2) The Buddhist Explanation:

If a character has lived rightly, and its karma is good, then after it has been deleted it will be reincarnated as a different, higher character. Those funny characters above the numbers on your keyboard will become numbers, numbers will become letters, lower-case letters will become upper-case, and the most righteous and good of letters will become C's. Why C, you ask? Who knows, but C it is! If a character's karma is not so good, then it will move down the above scale, ultimately becoming the lowest of characters, a space.

--------------------------------------
3) The 20th Century bitter cynical nihilist explanation:

Who cares? All characters are the same, swirling in a vast sea of meaningless nothingness. It doesn't really matter if they're on the page, deleted, undeleted, underlined, etc. It's all the same. More characters should delete themselves. (nihilist characters are easy to identify. They're usually pale and tragic, and they smoke a lot.)

--------------------------------------
4) The Mac user's explanation:

All the characters written on a PC and then deleted go straight to PC hell. If you're using a PC, you can probably see the deleted characters, because you're in PC hell also.

--------------------------------------
5) Stephen King's explanation:

Every time you hit the key you unleash a tiny monster inside the cursor, who tears the poor unsuspecting characters to shreds, drinks their blood, then eats them, bones and all. Hah, hah, hah!

-------------------------------------
6) Dave Barry's explanation:

The deleted characters are shipped to Battle Creek, Michigan, where they're made into Pop-Tart filling; this explains why Pop-Tarts are so flammable, while cheap imitations are not as flammable. I'm not making any of this up.

-------------------------------------
7) IBM's explanation:

The characters are not real. They exist only on the screen when they are needed, as concepts, so to delete them is merely to de-conceptualize them. Get a life.

-------------------------------------
8) Environmentalist's Explanation:

You've been DELETING them???? Can't you hear them SCREAMING??? Why don't
you go CLUB some BABY SEALS while wearing a MINK, you pig!!!!
 

Virus Alert

If you receive an email entitled "Fighting Canaries," delete it Immediately.

Do not open it.

Apparently this one is pretty nasty.

It will not only erase everything on your hard drive, but it will also delete anything on disks within 20 feet of your computer.

It demagnetises the stripes on ALL of your credit cards.

It reprograms your Cashpoint PIN, screws up the tracking on your VCR and uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD's you attempt to play.

It will re-calibrate your refrigerator's coolness settings so all your ice cream melts and your milk curdles.

It will program your phone AutoDial to call only your mother-in-law's number.

This virus will mix antifreeze into your fish tank.

It will drink all your beer.

It will leave dirty socks on the coffee table when you are expecting company.

Its radioactive emissions will cause your toe jam and bellybutton fuzz (be honest, you have some) to migrate behind your ears.

It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine, all while dating your current boy/girlfriend behind your back and billing their hotel rendezvous to your Visa card.

It will cause you to run with scissors and throw things in a way that is only fun until someone loses an eye.

It will give you Dutch Elm Disease and Tinea.

It will rewrite your backup files, changing all your active verbs to passive tense and incorporating undetectable misspellings which grossly change the interpretations of key sentences.

If the "Badtimes" message is opened in a Windows 95 environment, it will leave the toilet seat up and leave your hair dryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub.

It will not only remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses and pillows, but it will also refill your skimmed milk with whole milk.

It will replace all your luncheon meat with Spam.

It will molecularly rearrange your cologne or perfume, causing it to smell like dill pickles.(Remember Brut 33?)

It is insidious and subtle.

It is dangerous and terrifying to behold.

It is also a rather interesting shade of mauve.

These are just a few signs of infection."
 

Does any of this sound familiar??? (clue e-mails you may have received)

I know this guy whose neighbor, a young man, was home recovering from having been served a rat in his bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken. So anyway, one day he went to sleep and when he awoke he was in his bathtub and it was full of ice and he was sore all over. When he got out of the tub he realised that HIS KIDNEYS HAD BEEN STOLEN. He saw a note on his mirror that said "Call 911!"

But he was afraid to use his phone because it was connected to his computer, and there was a virus on his computer that would destroy his hard drive if he opened an e-mail entitled "Join the crew!"

He knew it wasn't a hoax because he himself was a computer programmer who was working on software to save us from Armageddon when the year 2000 rolls around. His program will prevent a global disaster in which all the computers get together and distribute the $600 Neiman Marcus cookie recipe under the leadership of Bill Gates. (It's true-I read it all last week in a mass e-mail from BILL GATES HIMSELF, who was also promising me a free Disneyworld vacation and $5,000 if I would forward the e-mail to everyone I know.

The poor man then tried to call 911 from a pay phone to report his missing kidneys, but reaching into the coin-return slot he got jabbed with an HIV-infected needle around which was wrapped a note that said, "Welcome to the world of AIDS."

Luckily he was only a few blocks from the hospital-the same one, actually, where that little boy who is dying of cancer is, the one whose last wish is for everyone in the world to send him an e-mail and the American Cancer Society has agreed to pay him a nickel for every e-mail he receives. I sent him two e-mails and one of them was a bunch of x's and o's in the shape of an angel (if you get it and forward it to twenty people you will have good luck but ten people you will only have ok luck and if you send it to less than ten people you will have BAD LUCK FOR SEVEN YEARS).

So anyway the poor guy tried to drive himself to the hospital, but on the way he noticed another car driving along without his lights on. To be helpful, he flashed his lights at him and was promptly shot as part of a gang initiation.

And it's a little-known fact that the Y1K problem caused the Dark Ages.

The above is fact and true."
 

Translated from a Latin scroll dated 2BC.

Dear Cassius:

Are you still working on the Y zero K problem? This change from BC to AD is giving us a lot of headaches and we haven't much time left. I don't know how people will cope with working the wrong way around. Having been working happily downwards forever, now we have to start thinking upwards. You would think that someone would have thought of it earlier and not left it to us to sort out at this last minute. I spoke to Caesar the other evening. He was livid that Julius hadn't done something about it when he was sorting out the calendar. He said he could see why Brutus turned'nasty.

We called in Consultus, but he simply said that continuing downwards using minus BC won't work and as usual charged a fortune for doing nothing useful. Surely we will not have to throw out all our hardware and start again? Macrohard will make yet another fortune out of this I suppose.

The money lenders are paranoid of course! They have been told that all usury rates will invert and they will have to pay their clients to take out loans. Its an ill wind ...... As for myself, I just can't see the sand in an hourglass flowing upwards.

We have heard that there are three wise men in the East who have been working on the problem, but unfortunately they won't arrive until it's all over.

I have heard that there are plans to stable all horses at midnight at the turn of the year as there are fears that they will stop and try to run backwards, causing immense damage to chariots and possible loss of life.

Some say the world will cease to exist at the moment of transition. Anyway, we are still continuing to work on this blasted Y zero K problem. I will send a parchment to you if anything further develops. If you have any ideas please let me know,

Plutonius"
 

Terminology

BIT - A word used to describe computers, as in "Our son's computer cost quite a bit."

BOOT - What your friends give you because you spend too much time bragging about your computer skills.

BUG - What your eyes do after you stare at the tiny green computer screen for more than 15 minutes. Also: what computer magazine companies do to you after they get your name on their mailing list.

CHIPS - The fattening, non-nutritional food computer users eat to avoid having to leave their keyboards for meals.

COPY - What you have to do during school tests because you spend too much time at the computer and not enough time studying.

CURSOR - What you turn into when you can't get your computer to perform, as in "You $#% computer!"

DISK - What goes out in your back after bending over a computer keyboard for seven hours at a clip.

DUMP - The place all your former hobbies wind up soon after you install your computer.

ERROR - What you made the first time you walked into a computer showroom to "just look."

EXPANSION UNIT - The new room you have to build on to your home to house your computer and all its peripherals.

FILE - What your secretary can now do to her nails six and a half hours a day, now that the computer does her day's work in 30 minutes.

FLOPPY - The condition of a constant computer user's stomach due to lack of exercise and a steady diet of junk food (see Chips).

HARDWARE - Tools, such as lawnmowers, rakes and other heavy equipment you haven't laid a finger on since getting your computer.

IBM - The kind of missile your family members and friends would like to drop on your computer so you'll pay attention to them again.

MENU - What you'll never see again after buying a computer because you'll be too poor to eat in a restaurant.

MONITOR - Often thought to be a word associated with computers, this word actually refers to those obnoxious kids who always want to see your hall pass at school.

PROGRAMS - Those things you used to look at on your television before you hooked your computer up to it.

RETURN - What lots of people do with their computers after only a week and a half.

TERMINAL - A place where you can find buses, trains and really good deals on hot computers.

WINDOW - What you heave the computer out of after you accidentally erase a program that took you three days to set up."
 

The latest news is that computer giant Microsoft is expanding its empire to include frozen dinners. Instructions for Microsoft's new frozen dinner product are as follows:

You must first remove the plastic cover. By doing so you agree to accept and honor Microsoft rights to all TV dinners. You may not give anyone else a bite of your dinner (which would constitute an infringement of Microsoft's rights). You may, however, let others smell and look at your dinner and are encouraged to tell them how good it is.'

If you have a PC microwave oven, insert the dinner into the oven. Set the oven using these keystrokes: \mstv.dinn.//08.5min@@50%heat// Then enter: ms//start.cook_dindin/yummy\|/yum~yum:-)gohot#cookme. If you' have a Mac oven, insert the dinner and press start. The oven will set itself and cook the dinner. If you have a Unix oven, insert the dinner, enter the ingredients of the dinner (found on the package label), the weight of the dinner, and the desired level of cooking and press start. The oven will calculate the time and heat and cook the diner exactly to your specification.'

Microsoft dinners never crash, though be forewarned that in case of such an unlikely event of a Microsoft dinner crash, your oven must be restarted. This is a simple procedure. Remove the dinner from the oven and enter ms.nodamn.good/tryagain\again/again.crap.'

This process may have to be repeated. Try unplugging the microwave and then doing a cold reboot. If this doesn't work, contact your hardware vendor.'

Many users have reported that the dinner tray is far too big - larger than the dinner itself - having many "useless" compartments, most of which are empty. These are for future menu items. If the tray is too large to fit in your oven, you will need to upgrade your equipment.'

Dinners are only available from registered outlets, and only the chicken variety is currently produced. If you want another variety, call Microsoft Help and they will explain that you really don't want another variety. Microsoft Chicken is all you really need.'

Microsoft has disclosed plans to discontinue all smaller versions of their chicken dinners. Future releases will only be in the larger family size. Excess chicken may be stored for future use, but must be saved only in Microsoft approved packaging.'

Microsoft promises a dessert with every dinner after '00. However, that version has yet to be released. Users have permission to get thrilled in advance.'

Microsoft dinners may be incompatible with other dinners in the freezer, causing your freezer to self-defrost. This is a feature, not a bug. Your freezer probably should have been defrosted anyway.

--Author unknown"
 

One computer programmer calls out to the other, "Hey - nice bike!, Where did you get it?"

"Well," replies the other, "I was walking to work the other day when a pretty young woman rides up on this bike. She jumps off, takes off all of her clothes, and says 'you can have ANYTHING you want!!'"

"Good choice," says the first guy, "her clothes wouldn't have fit you anyway."
 

Computer Industry Acronyms

PCMCIA - People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms

ISDN - It Still Does Nothing

SCSI - System Can't See It

DOS - Defective Operating System

BASIC - Bill's Attempt to Seize Industry Control

IBM - I Blame Microsoft

DEC - Do Expect Cuts

CD-ROM - Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months

OS/2 - Obsolete Soon, Too.

WWW - World Wide Wait

MACINTOSH - Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs

PENTIUM - Produces Erroneous Numbers Thru Incorrect Understanding of Mathematics

COBOL - Completely Obsolete Business Oriented Language

AMIGA - A Merely Insignificant Game Addiction

LISP - Lots of Infuriating & Silly Parenthesis

MIPS - Meaningless Indication of Processor Speed

WINDOWS - Will Install Needless Data On Whole System

MICROSOFT - Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only Fools Teenagers

RISC - Reduced Into Silly Code"
 

I've been running the same version of Drinking Buddies 1.0 all along as my primary application, and all the Girl-Friend releases have always conflicted with it.

I hear that Drinking Buddies won't crash if you run girl-Friend in background mode with the sound turned off. But I'm embarrassed to say I can't find the switch to turn the sound off. I just run them separately, and it works okay.

Girl-Friend also seems to have a problem coexisting with my Golf program, often trying to abort Golf with some sort of timing incompatibility. I probably should have stayed with Girl-Friend 1.0, but I thought I might see better performance with Girl-Friend 2.0.

After months of conflicts and other problems, I consulted a friend who has had experience with Girl-Friend 2.0. He said that I probably didn't have enough cache to run Girl-Friend 2.0, and that eventually it would require a Token ring to run properly.

He was right -- as soon as I purged my cache, it uninstalled itself.

Shortly after that, I installed Girl-Friend 3.0 beta. All the bugs were supposed to be gone, but the first time I used it, it gave me a virus. I had to clean out my whole system and shut down for a while.

I very cautiously upgraded to Girl-Friend 4.0. This time I used a SCSI probe first and also installed a virus protection program.

It worked okay for a while until I discovered that Girl-Friend 1.0 was still in my system!

Then I tried to run Girl-Friend 1.0 again with Girl-Friend 4.0 still installed, but Girl-Friend 4.0 has a feature that I didn't know about that automatically senses the presence of any other version of Girl-Friend and communicates with it in some way, which results in the immediate removal of both versions!

The version I have right now works pretty well, but there are still some problems. Like all versions of Girl-Friend, it is written in some obscure language that I can't understand, much less reprogram. Frankly, I think there is too much attention paid to the look and feel rather than the desired functionality.

Also, to get the best connections with your hardware, you usually have to use gold-plated contacts. And I've never liked how Girl-Friend is totally "object-oriented".

A year ago, a friend of mine upgraded his version of Girl-Friend to Girl-Friend Plus 1.0, which is a Terminate and Stay Resident version of Girl-Friend.

He discovered that Girl-Friend Plus 1.0 expires within a year if you don't upgrade to Fiancee 1.0. So he did. But soon after that, he had to upgrade to Wife 1.0, which he describes as a "huge resource hog". It has taken up all of his space, so he can't load anything else. One of the primary reasons that he upgraded to Wife 1.0 is that it came bundled with FreeSexPlus 1.0.

Well it turns out that the resource allocation module of Wife 1.0 sometimes prohibits access to FreeSexPlus, particularly the new Plug-Ins he wanted to try. On top of that, Wife 1.0 must be running on a well warmed-up system before he can do anything. Although he did not ask for it, Wife 1.0 came with Mother-In-Law 1.0 which has an automatic pop-up feature that he can't turn off.

I told him to try installing Mistress 1.0, but he said that he heard if you try to run it without first uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.0 won't install anyway due to insufficient resources
and I've been having some problems lately.

I've been running the same version of Drinking Buddies 1.0 all along as my primary application, and all the Girl-Friend releases have always conflicted with it.

I hear that Drinking Buddies won't crash if you run girl-Friend in background mode with the sound turned off. But I'm embarrassed to say I can't find the switch to turn the sound off. I just run them separately, and it works okay.

Girl-Friend also seems to have a problem coexisting with my Golf program, often trying to abort Golf with some sort of timing incompatibility. I probably should have stayed with Girl-Friend 1.0, but I thought I might see better performance with Girl-Friend 2.0.

After months of conflicts and other problems, I consulted a friend who has had experience with Girl-Friend 2.0. He said that I probably didn't have enough cache to run Girl-Friend 2.0, and that eventually it would require a Token ring to run properly.

He was right -- as soon as I purged my cache, it uninstalled itself.

Shortly after that, I installed Girl-Friend 3.0 beta. All the bugs were supposed to be gone, but the first time I used it, it gave me a virus. I had to clean out my whole system and shut down for a while.

I very cautiously upgraded to Girl-Friend 4.0. This time I used a SCSI probe first and also installed a virus protection program.

It worked okay for a while until I discovered that Girl-Friend 1.0 was still in my system!

Then I tried to run Girl-Friend 1.0 again with Girl-Friend 4.0 still installed, but Girl-Friend 4.0 has a feature that I didn't know about that automatically senses the presence of any other version of Girl-Friend and communicates with it in some way, which results in the immediate removal of both versions!

The version I have right now works pretty well, but there are still some problems. Like all versions of Girl-Friend, it is written in some obscure language that I can't understand, much less reprogram. Frankly, I think there is too much attention paid to the look and feel rather than the desired functionality.

Also, to get the best connections with your hardware, you usually have to use gold-plated contacts. And I've never liked how Girl-Friend is totally "object-oriented".

A year ago, a friend of mine upgraded his version of Girl-Friend to Girl-Friend Plus 1.0, which is a Terminate and Stay Resident version of Girl-Friend.

He discovered that Girl-Friend Plus 1.0 expires within a year if you don't upgrade to Fiancee 1.0. So he did. But soon after that, he had to upgrade to Wife 1.0, which he describes as a "huge resource hog". It has taken up all of his space, so he can't load anything else. One of the primary reasons that he upgraded to Wife 1.0 is that it came bundled with FreeSexPlus 1.0.

Well it turns out that the resource allocation module of Wife 1.0 sometimes prohibits access to FreeSexPlus, particularly the new Plug-Ins he wanted to try. On top of that, Wife 1.0 must be running on a well warmed-up system before he can do anything. Although he did not ask for it, Wife 1.0 came with Mother-In-Law 1.0 which has an automatic pop-up feature that he can't turn off.

I told him to try installing Mistress 1.0, but he said that he heard if you try to run it without first uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.0 won't install anyway due to insufficient resources

 

Heaven and Hell 
 
In Heaven:
The cooks are French,
The policemen are English,
The mechanics are German,
The lovers are Italian,
The bankers are Swiss.

In Hell:
The cooks are English,
The policemen are German,
The mechanics are French,
The lovers are Swiss,
The bankers are Italian.

In Computer Heaven:
The management is from Intel,
The design and construction is done by Apple,
The marketing is done by Microsoft,
IBM provides the support,
Gateway determines the pricing.

In Computer Hell:
The management is from Apple,
Microsoft does design and construction,
IBM handles the marketing,
The support is from Gateway,
Intel sets the price.
 

How to Write an E-Mail Report Using America Online:

1. Type in your user name and password and hit the "Sign On"button.

2. Fix yourself a cup of coffee.

3. Watch the next show on the Discovery Channel.

4. Return to your computer. Wait approximately a half hour for AOL to finish signing you on.

5. Avoid impacting table with head as you are immediately signed off. Repeat Steps 1-4.

6. Open your online Mailbox.

7. After selecting the message at the top of your e-mail list,hit the "Delete" button approximately 250 times to get rid of unwanted junk mail and porno chain letters.

8. Hit the "Write Mail" button. Begin writing your e-mail report.

9. Avoid pounding keyboard with forehead as you are signed off halfway through your report. Repeat Steps 1-4.

10. Hit the "Write Mail" button. Begin rewriting your e-mail report.

11. Hit the "Save" button after writing the first two paragraphs.

12. Resist hurling your monitor out the window as AOL informs you that your computer has performed an illegal operation and signs you off.

13. Write your e-mail report using MS-Word or Notepad.

14. Save your e-mail report using MS-Word or Notepad.

15. Highlight the text of your report and hit the "Copy" button.

16. Repeat Steps 1-4. Resist the urge to fill out an application to Harvard College because you have learned so much from the Discovery Channel.

17. Hit the "Write Mail" button. Make sure your cursor is inside the text box for your e-mail.

18. Hit the "Paste" button.

19. Make sure the nearest window is closed.

20. Scream and curse at the top of your lungs because your computer has frozen. Avoid replacing your CD-ROM drive with your keyboard.

21. Call your neighbor and inform him/her that you are coming over to use their computer.

22. (optional) Collect all 367 of your AOL CD's that you have received in the mail. Transform them into coasters.   
 

Five cannibals get appointed as programmers in an IT company. During the welcoming ceremony the boss says: "You're all part of our team now. You can earn good money here, and you can go to the company canteen for something to eat. So don't trouble the other employees".

The cannibals promise not to trouble the other employees.

Four weeks later the boss returns and says: "You're all working very hard, and I'm very satisfied with all of you. One of our cleaners has disappeared however. Do any of you know what happened to her?" The cannibals disavow all knowledge of the missing cleaner.

After the boss has left, the leader of the cannibals says to the others: "Which of you idiots ate the cleaner?" A hand raises hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals says: "You fool! For four weeks we've been eating Team Leaders, Managers, and Project Managers so no-one would notice anything, and you have to go and eat the cleaner!"
 

Tech Support    

Just in case you think you are TC (technologically challenged). The following is an excerpt taken from a Wall Street Journal article:

    1.Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is.

    2.AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.

    3.Another Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining that the system wouldn't read word processing files from his old diskettes. After trouble-shooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem, it was found that the customer had labeled the diskettes, then rolled them into the typewriter to type the labels.

    4.Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with photocopies of the floppies.

    5.A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to hold on, and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and crossing the room to close the door to his room.

    6.Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of trouble-shooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "send" key.

    7.Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing them individually.

    8.A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was "bad and an invalid". The tech explained that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid" responses shouldn't be taken personally.

    9.A confused caller to IBM was having troubles printing documents. He told the technician that the computer had said it "couldn't find printer". The user had also tried turning the computer screen to face the printer - but that his computer still couldn't "see" the printer.

    10.An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens." The "foot pedal" turned out to be the computer's mouse.

    11.Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand-new computer wouldn't  work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked "What power switch?"

    12.True story from a Novell NetWire SysOp:

Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support?"
Tech: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?"
Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?"
Tech: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?"
Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer."
Tech: "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, It's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional, at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it   have any trademark on it?"
Caller: "It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a promotional. It just has '4X' on it." At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he couldn't stand it. He was laughing too hard. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off the drive!

13.Another IBM customer had troubles installing software and rang for support. "I put in the first disk, and that was OK. It said to put in the second disk, and had some problems with the disk. When it said to put in the third disk - I couldn't even fit it in..." The user hadn't realized that "Insert Disk 2" meant to remove Disk 1 first.   

14.In a similar incident, a customer had followed the instructions for installing software. The instructions said to remove the disk from it's cover and insert into the drive. The user had physically removed the casing of the disk and wondered why there were problems.   

As Ripley would say, believe it or not!   
 

A Few Words from the Technical Support Department
 

 
If you have worked in an IT Support Desk role this will seem all too familiar.
 

1. Don't write anything down. We can play back the error messages from here.

2. When tech. support say they are coming right over, go for a coffee. It's nothing to us to remember 275 screen saver passwords.

3. When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it buried under half a ton of postcards, pictures, stuffed animals, and trophies. We don't have a life and find it deeply moving to catch a glimpse of yours.

4 When you call the help desk, state what you want, not what's keeping you from getting it. We don't need to know that you can't get your mail because your computer won't power on.

5. Don't put your phone extension in your e-mails to the help desk. We need to keep an eye on the address book performance.

6. When tech. support sends you an e-mail with high importance, delete it at once. We're just sending out test messages.

7. When a member of tech. support is eating lunch, walk straight in and spill your guts right out. We exist only to serve.

8. When a member of tech. support is having a smoke outside, ask them a computer question. The only reason we smoke is to ferret out those clients who don't have e-mail or a telephone.

9. Send urgent e-mail in uppercase. The mail server picks it up and flags it as a rush delivery.

10. When you call a member of tech. support press 5 to bypass the bilingual greeting that say's he's out of town for a week, record your message and wait exactly 24 hours before you send an e-mail straight to the director because no-one ever returned your call. You're entitled to common courtesy.

11. When the photocopier doesn't work, call tech. support. There's electronics in it.

12. When you're getting a NO DIAL TONE message at home, call tech. support. We can fix your line from here.

13. When you have a dozen CGA monitors to get rid of, call tech. support. We're collectors.

14. When something is wrong with your PC at home, dump it on a tech. support technician's chair, with no name, no phone number and no description of the problem. We love a puzzle.

15. If you hate your mouse, get some other pointing device and discard the manual. We know all the keyboard accelerators.

16. When a member of tech. support tells you that computer monitors don't have cartridges in them, argue. We love a good argument.

17. When you get a message about insufficient disk space, delete everything in the Windows directory. It's nothing but trouble anyway.

18. When you get a message about hard disk controller failure, and then you reboot and it looks O.K, don't call tech. support. We'd much rather troubleshoot it when it's as dead as a doornail.

19. When you have tech. support on the phone talking you through changing a setting, read the paper. We don't actually mean for you to do anything, we just love to hear ourselves talk.

20. When a member of tech. support tells you that he'll be there shortly, reply in a scathing voice: "And just how many weeks do you mean by shortly?" That'll get us going.

21. If you have a 14" monitor that says VGA on it, set the display properties to 1024 X 768, true colour. You won't have to worry about people reading confidential files off of your screen again.

22. When we offer training on the latest OS upgrade, don't bother. We'll be there to hold your hand after it's done.

23. when the printer doesn't print, send the job at least 25 times. Print jobs frequently disappear out of the ether.

24. When the printer still won't print, send the job to all 47 printers in the branch. Once of them is bound to work.

25. Don't learn the correct name for anything technical. We know exactly what you mean by " my wotsit is jammed".

26. Don't use on-line help. On-line is for wimps.

27. if you're taking night classes in computer science, feel free to go around and update network drivers on all of the computers. We enjoy the overtime money.

28. When tech. support makes popcorn, help yourself while he's checking out your access rights. We keep chocolate in the top drawer, too.

29. When you have a member of tech. support fixing your computer at lunch time, eat your lunch in his face. We function better when slightly dizzy.

30. Don't ever thank us. We're getting paid for this.

31. If you're an intern, feel free to bring in all of your friends from college and have your Dad complain to our boss when we won't let them use the scanner. We had no friends when we were at college, that's why we're bunch of tight-assed twerps.

32. When a member of tech. support asks you if you've installed any new software on this computer, lie. It's nobody's business what you've got on your computer.

33. When a member of tech. support finds AOL shortcuts in your Recycle Bin, tell them you've never seen those before. We couldn't tell bullshit if it kicked us in the face.

34. If you have Windows NT, feel free to change the local Administrator password to "lesbian" and promptly forget it. We like installing Windows NT.

35.If the mouse cable keeps knocking down the framed picture of your baby, lift the computer and stuff the cable under it. Mouse cables were designed to have 30lbs. of computer sitting on top of them.

36. If the space bar on your keyboard doesn't work, blame it on the MS Office upgrade. Keyboards are actually very happy with half a pound of bread and paper clips in them.

37. When you receive the Madonna CD for your birthday, shove it into any slot on the front of your computer. We like getting physical with 5.25" floppy drives.

38. When you get a message saying "Are you Sure?" click on that yes button as fast as you can. If you weren't sure, you wouldn't be doing it, would you?

39. When you find a member of tech. support on the phone with his bank, sit uninvited on the corner of his desk and stare at him until he hangs up. We don't have any money to speak of anyway.

40. Feel perfectly free to say things like "I don't know nothing about that computer crap". We don't mind at all hearing our area of professional expertise referred to as crap.

41. When you need to change the toner cartridge, call tech. support. Changing the toner cartridge is an extremely complex task, and HP recommends that it be performed only by a professional engineer with a master's degree in nuclear physics.

42. When you can't find someone in the government directory, call tech. support. Due to budget restrictions we double as 411.

43. When you have a lock to pick in an old filing cabinet, call tech. support. We love to hack.

44. When something is wrong with your computer, ask your secretary to call the help desk. We enjoy the challenge of having to deal with a third party who doesn't know anything about the problem.

45. When you receive a 30Mb Image file, send it to everyone as an attachment. We've got lots of disk space on the mail server.

46. Don't even think of breaking large print jobs down into smaller chunks. Somebody else might get a chance to squeeze a letter into the print queue.

47. When a member of tech. support gets in the elevator pushing $15,000 worth of computer equipment on a cart, ask in a very loud voice: "Good god, you take the elevator to go down one floor?"

48. When the people in finance are printing a 100 page spreadsheet on the HP Laser, send your black and white print jobs to the colour printer. We get the black toner for free.

49. When you lose your car keys, send an e-mail to the entire department. People in the company like to keep abreast of what's going on.

50. When you bump into a member of tech. support at the grocery store on a Sunday, ask a computer question. We don't do weekends.

51. When you see a member of tech. support having a drink with a member of the opposite sex on a Friday night, walk right up to them and ask a computer question. We don't do dating, the reason why we have that horny look on our faces is because we are discussing the latest Intel Processor.

52. Don't bother to tell us when you move computers around on your own. Computer names are just a cosmetic feature of Windows, they won't be doing anything useful until the next major release.

53. When you can't access some shared directory on your boss's machine, just tell us that you've lost your F: drive. We know all that shit by heart.

54. If you need to buy a computer for your daughter in college, feel free to pick our brains while we're taking a leak. We're good at talking shop with our dicks in our hands.

55. If your son is a student in computer science, have him come in on the weekends and do his projects on your office computer. We'll be there for you when his illegal copy of Filemaker Pro makes his Access 97 database file screw up.

56. When you bring your own personal home PC for repair at the office, leave all the documentation at home. We'll find the jumper settings on the Internet.

57. We're aware of that problem with computer just sitting there and not doing anything. We're confident that with the next service pack they'll be able to dance the jig.

58. The correct location to store important files is the Recycle Bin. It's just like a real office, where you keep your tax receipts in the blue can under you desk.

59.If you miss windows 3.11, find the line that says shell=explorer.exe in your SYSTEM.INI file and replace it with shell=progman.exe. It makes troubleshooting infinitely easier when we ask you whether you have a Start button at the bottom of your screen and you truthfully answer us that you do not.

60. If you curse every morning when you start to type your password the Virus Shield screen pops up, disable the Virus Shield. This is just like real life, if you don't like condoms, don't use them.

61. If you hate PC's, get on the Internet and download one of those desktop enhancements that make your computer look just like a MAC, right down to the sad faces replacing error messages. We find it refreshing to troubleshoot the nuance in that sad little face instead of some cold forbidding hexadecimal value.

62. When you detect a French accent in a member tech. support's voice, switch to French. We don't mind that your level of fluency is that of a mildly retarded 4 year old, you don't make a lot of sense in your language either.

There is something sinister about this whole thing: 

666 is exactly 2.138 times the height of the pyramid of Cheops and if we multiply the height of the pyramid by 3.36 million, we get the EXACT, let me repeat that -EXACT - distance to the moon. 

This next part is much more than just mere coincidence: if you drop the zeros off 3.36 million and then add the 3 to the 36, you get a figure which is EXACTLY equal to the age that Bill Gates would have been on his 39th birthday.
 

SO YOU THINK YOU ARE TECHNICALLY CHALLENGED?
THINK AGAIN!!

Take heart, anyone among you who believes you are technologically challenged, you "ain't seen nuthin' yet." This is an excerpt from a "Wall Street Journal" article.

1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is.

2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.

3. A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and close the door.The customer asked the tech to hold on and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and crossing the room to close the door.

4. Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of troubleshooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "send" key.

5. Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing them individually.

6. A confused caller to IBM was having trouble printing documents. He told the technician that the computer had said it "couldn't find printer" The user had also tried turning the computer screen to face the printer but that his computer still couldn't "see" the printer.

7. An exasperated caller to Dell Tech Support couldn't get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens." The "foot pedal" turned out to be the computer's mouse.

8. A woman called Canon help desk with a problem with her printer. The tech asked her if she was running it under "Windows." The woman responded,"No, my desk is next to the door. But that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window and his printer is working fine."

9. Tech Support: "O.K. Bob, let's press control and escape keys at the same time.

That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen.

Now type the letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager."

Customer: "I don't have a "P".

Tech: "On your keyboard, Bob."

Customer: "What do you mean?"

Tech: ""P" on your keyboard, Bob."

Customer: "I'm not going to do that!!!"
 

"ERROR" keyboard not connected, hit F1 to continue.

"ERROR" hit any key to continue, or hit any other key to quit.
 

Where do the characters go when I use my backspace or delete them on my PC?
ANSWER: The characters go to different places, depending on whom you ask:
The Buddhist explanation: If a character has lived rightly, and its karma is good, then after it has been deleted it will be reincarnated as a different, higher character. Those funny characters above the numbers on your keyboard will become numbers, numbers will become letters, and lower-case letters will become upper-case.

The 20th-century bitter cynical nihilist explanation: Who cares? It doesn't really matter if they're on the page, deleted, undeleted, underlined, etc. It's all the same.

The Mac user's explanation: All the characters written on a PC and then deleted go to straight to PC hell. If you're using a PC, you can probably see the deleted characters, because you're in PC hell also.

Stephen King's explanation: Every time you hit the (Del) key you unleash a tiny monster inside the cursor, who tears the poor, unsuspecting characters to shreds, drinks their blood, then eats them, bones and all. Hah, hah, hah!

The Christian Church's approach to characters: The nice characters go to Heaven, where they are bathed in the light of happiness. The naughty characters are punished for their sins. Naughty characters are those involved in the creation of naughty words, such as "breast," "sex," and contraception."

Dave Barry's explanation: The deleted characters are shipped to Battle Creek, Michigan, where they're made into Pop-Tart filling; this explains why Pop-Tarts are so flammable, while cheap imitations are not flammable. I'm not making this up.

IBM's explanation: The characters are not real. They exist only on the screen when they are needed, as concepts, so to delete them is merely to de-conceptualize them. Get a life.

PETA's (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) explanation: You've been DELETING them??? Can't you hear them SCREAMING??? Why don't you go CLUB some BABY SEALS while wearing a MINK, you pig!!!!
 

From the WordPerfect Help Desk

This is a true story from the WordPerfect helpline. Needless to say, the help desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for "Termination without Cause."

Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee with a caller:

"Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?"

"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."

"What sort of trouble?"

"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."

"Went away?"

"They disappeared."

"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"

"Nothing."

"Nothing?"

"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."

"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"

"How do I tell?"

"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"

"What's a sea-prompt?"

"Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"

"There isn't any cursor, I told you, it won't accept anything I type."

"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"

"What's a monitor?"

"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"

"I don't know."

"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"

"Yes, I think so."

"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."

".......Yes, it is."

"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"

"No."

"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."

".......Okay, here it is."

"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."

"I can't reach."

"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"

"No."

"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"

"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."

"Dark?"

"Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."

"Well, turn on the office light then."

"I can't."

"No? Why not?"

"Because there's a power outage."

"A power... A power outage? Ah, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"

"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."

"Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."

"Really? Is it that bad?"

"Yes, I'm afraid it is."

"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"

"Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."
 

Contraceptives '02
Microsoft's Latest Venture

News just in of Microsoft's latest venture: Microsoft Corporation has taken another step toward dominating every aspect of American life with the introduction of Contraceptive02, a suite of applications designed for users who engage in sex. Microsoft has been a pioneer in peer-to-peer connectivity and plug and play.

It believes these technologies will give it substantial leverage in penetrating the copulation enhancement market. The product addresses two important user concerns: the need for virus protection and the need for a firewall to ensure the non-propagation of human beings.

The Contraceptive02 suite consists of three products: Condom02, DeFetus 1.0 (from Sementec), and AIDScan 2.1 (from Norton Utilities). A free copy of Intercourse Explorer 4.0 is bundled in the package. The suite also comes in two expanded versions. Contraceptive02 Professional is the Client/Server edition, for professionals in the sexual services sector. Contraceptive02 Small Business Edition is a package for startups, aimed at the housewife and gigolo niches.

While Contraceptive02 does not address nontraditional copulatory channels, future plug-ins are planned for next year.

OPERATION: Only one node in a peer-to-peer connection needs to install the package.

At installation, the Condom02 software checks for minimum hardware. If the user meets the requirements, the product installs and is sufficiently scaleable to meet most requirements. After installation, operation commences. One precaution is that the user must be sure they have sufficient RAM to complete the session. When the session is complete, a disconnect is initiated, and the user gets the message, it is now safe to turn off your partner.

DRAWBACKS: Usability testers report that frequent failures were a major concern during beta testing. General Protection Fault was the most serious error encountered. Early versions had numerous bugs, but most of these have been eliminated. The product needs to be installed each time its used.

CONCLUSION: Contraceptive02 is a robust product. Despite its drawbacks, it is reasonably good value for its $49.95 price tag, and is far superior to its shareware version. Hopefully, future releases (of the software, that is) will add missing functionality, such as Backout and Restore, uninterruptible Power Supply and Onboard Camera.

Microsoft CEO Bill Gates is optimistic that "Our contraceptive products will help users do to each other what we've been doing to our customers for years."
 

I heard that if you play the Windows CD backwards, you get a satanic message...

That's nothing, if you play it forward, it installs Windows!
 

The Creation of the PC

1. In the beginning GOD created the Bit and the Byte. And from those he created the Word.

2. And there were two Bytes in the Word; and nothing else existed. And God separated the One from the Zero; and he saw it was good.

3. And God said - Let the Data be; And so it happened.And God said - Let the Data go to their proper places.And he created floppy disks and hard disks and compact disks.

4. And God said - Let the computers be,so there would be a place to put floppy disks and hard disks and compact disks.Thus God created computers and called them hardware.

5. And there was no Software yet.But God created programs; small and big... And told them:Go and multiply yourselves and fill all the Memory.

6. And God said - I will create the Programmer;And the Programmer will make new programs and govern over the computers and programs and Data.

7. And God created the Programmer; and put him at Data Center; And God showed the Programmer the Catalog Tree and said You can use all the volumes and subvolumes but DO NOT USE Windows.

8. And God said - It is not Good for the programmer to be alone. He took a bone from the Programmer's body and created a creature that would look up at the Programmer, and admire the Programmer, and love the things the Programmer does; And God called the creature: the User.

9. And the Programmer and the User were left under the naked DOS and it was Good.

10. But Bill was smarter than all the other creatures of God. And Bill said to the User - Did God really tell you not to run any programs ?

11. And the User answered - God told us that we can use every program and every piece of Data but told us not to run Windows or we will die.

12. And Bill said to the User - How can you talk about something you did not even try? The moment you run Windows you will become equal to God. You will be able to create anything you like by a simple click of yourmouse.

13. And the User saw that the fruits of the Windows were nicer and easier to use. And the User saw that any knowledge was useless since Windows could replace it.

14. So the User installed the Windows on his computer;and said to the Programmer that it was good.

15. And the Programmer immediately started to look for new drivers. And God asked him - What are you looking for? And the Programmer answered - I am looking for new drivers because I can not find them in the DOS.And God said - Who told you that you need drivers? Did you run Windows? And the Programmer said - It was Bill who told us to !

16. And God said to Bill - Because of what you did you will be hated by all the creatures. And the User will always be unhappy with you. And you will always sellWindows.

17. And God said to the User - Because of what you did, the Windows will disappoint you and eat up all your Resources; and you will have to use lousy programs;and you will always rely on the Programmers help.

18. And God said to the Programmer - Because you listened to the User you will never be happy. All your programs will have errors and you will have to fix them and fix them to the end of time.

19. And God threw them out of the Data Center and locked the door and secured it with a password.

20. GENERAL PROTECTION FAULT

 

~ Maxims of The Internet Age ~

1. Home is where you hang your @

2. The E-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail.

3. A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.

4. You can't teach a new mouse old clicks.

5. Great groups from little icons grow.

6. Speak softly and carry a cellular phone.

7. C:\ is the root of all directories.

8. Don't put all your hypes in one home page.

9. Pentium wise; pen and paper foolish.

10. The modem is the message.

11. Too many clicks spoil the browse.

12. The geek shall inherit the earth.

13. A chat has nine lives.

14. Don't byte off more than you can view.

15. Fax is stranger than fiction.

16. What boots up must come down.

17. Windows will never cease.

18. In Gates we trust (and our tender is legal).

19. Virtual reality is its own reward.

20. Modulation in all things.

21. A user and his leisure time are soon parted.

22. There's no place like http//www.home.com

23. Know what to expect before you connect.

24. Oh, what a tangled website we weave when first we practice.

25. Speed thrills.

26. Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use the Net and he won't bother you for weeks.

 

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed that the new program began making expected changes to the accounting modules, limiting access to flower and jewelry applications that had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Hot-sex 1.0 and Romance 9.9 but installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0 and NBA 3.0.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and HouseCleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

Signed,

Desperate Wife.

Dear Desperate Wife:

Keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Try to enter the command C:\I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME and install Tears 6.2.

Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Guilty 3.0 and Flowers 7.0. But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to GrumpySilence 2.5, Happyhour 7.0 or Beer 6.1.

Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will create "Snoring Loudly" .wav files.

DO NOT install Mother-In-Law 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program.These applications are not supported and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program,but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. Consider buying additional software to improve performance.

I personally recommend Hot Food 3.0, Lingerie 5.3 and Keep-a-nice-body 10.1.
 

Judy was having trouble with her computer, so she called Grant, the computer guy, over to her desk.

Grant clicked a couple buttons and solved the problem.

As he was walking away, Judy called after him, "So, what was wrong?"

He replied, "It was an ID Ten T Error."

A puzzled statement came over Judy's face. "An ID Ten T Error?What's that?

In case I need to fix it again."

Grant gave her a grin. "Haven't you ever heard of an ID Ten T Error before?"

"No," replied Judy."Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."

She wrote... I D 1 0 T
 

10 WARNING SIGNS YOU MAY BE TECHNOLOGICALLY IMPAIRED

1. After sending someone an email, you phone to tell that someone that you've sent them an email.

2. All your bookmarks are tech support sites.

3. Look at your email address. Does it end in "aol.com"?

4. You keep forgetting which side of the mouse you use to "right-click."

5. All your bookmarks are genealogy sites.

6. When your computer freezes, and someone tells you to turn up the heat in the room, you actually do it.

7. When installing software and it asks if you want to do a "normal" or "custom" install, you get upset that there is more than one option.

8. You say things like, "With my new 850 Mhz machine, the Internet is much faster."

9. You ordered a computer with a CD-ROM, but instead it came with a stupid cup holder.

10. You are told about viruses such as I LoveYou and warned not to click the attachments, then the next day you get an I LoveYou email and click on the attachment because, well, it came from someone you know.
 

The Pentagon recently unveiled it's new super computer to the top brass.

This fantastic device, capable of making bazillions of decisions in split nanoseconds, is designed to solve all military problems with the greatest of ease.

To test it's capabilities, the brass pose a tactical problem to it and then ask for a decision,"Attack or Retreat"?

The computer hums a bit, blinks a myriad of lights and answers "YES".

The brass, somewhat confused by this answer, replied "Yes What"?

The computer instantly replies, "YES SIR"!
 

When my son Jared began spending lots of time in the Internet chat rooms, I worried that his grades would suffer. I made him promise to do schoolwork until I returned home at 5 p.m.

One day about 4:30 I decided to check up on him.Using my office computer, I went on-line and entered his favorite chat room. To my dismay I saw Jared's name among the list of current participants and immediately decided to teach him a lesson in front of his cyber friends. "Jared," I typed, "this is your mother, and you are grounded for two weeks!"

"Hi, Mrs. "F"," came a reply. "This is David. Jared's busy doing his homework right now, and he said I could use his computer. But I'll be sure to let him know that he's been grounded."
 

A computer *Does* save time at work.

I can play solitaire without having to spend all that time shuffling real cards.
 

This quiz is dedicated to all of those people who find
themselves constantly roaming the net.

Do you leave yourself logged in twenty-four hours a day,even when you're not home?

Is your wpm typing speed higher than your IQ? Are you having trouble seeingthings at distances greater than 2 feet? Yes, YOU.

You know who you are.

Ok... shall we begin? Yes? 5 points... (you could've backed out.)

Unless otherwise stated, point values are as follows:
2 for (a),
4 for (b),
6 for (c),
and 10 for (d).
---------------------------------------------------------

1) How many valid net addresses do you have?
Multiple machines at the same site do not count.

____Internet ____UUCP ____Other public access
____Other

____Bitnet ____Freenet ____Internet BBS
____All seven

(2 points each)

2) How many hours did it take for you to create your .sig?

a) Huh?
b) More than one
c) More than five
d) I'm still looking for a really funky quote

3) On an average working day, how many email messages do you receive?

a) Nobody sends me any mail... snif
b) Three, but they're all from Lester in the next cubicle over, because he has nothing better to do
c) I can't count that high, I failed calculus
d) Don't ask me now, I'm too busy. Send me e-mail.

4) Alright, fess up. Have you ever read alt.sex.bondage just to see what the heck those perverts were talking about?

a) Yes, and I'm so ashamed
b) Yes, and I'm so embarrassed
c) Yes, and would you please explain a few things to me...
d) No, never. (10 points. You're lying.)

5) Have you ever met one of your past SO's (significant others) via a computer network?

a) No
b) Yes, through a newsgroup we both posted on
c) Yes, by chatting randomly over the Internet (shame!)
d) Yes, by chatting over RELAY

6) Once you've logged onto your system, what do you spend most of your time doing?

a) Going through the library system and putting books on reserve
b) Reading _Alice in Wonderland_ in the online bookshelf
c) Reading the monthly postings on rec.humor.funny
d) Writing up stupid quizzes because you've done everything else

7) If someone were to telephone your home at any given moment of the day, what would be the percent chance that your phone would be busy?

a) Zero... I've got call waiting
b) 25%.... I only dial in from work (Uh, hi, boss)
c) 75%.... Duh, so that's why nobody ever calls me
d) Zero... My modem has a separate phone line

8) Which usenet newsgroups do you spend the most time reading?

a) The comp. groups... because they're so informative
b) The soc. groups.... because they're so multicultural
c) The rec. groups.... because they're so diverting
d) The alt. groups.... because I don't know what half those words mean

9) What's your worst complaint about having an Internet account?

a) I have to pay $5/month for it
b) The damn sysadmins won't give me enough quota to hold all my .gif's
c) All those programmers keep tying up the modem lines
d) I have to stay in school to keep it

10) Check your watch now. What time is it?

a) 10 am... coffee break
b) 3 pm.... General Hospital's on
c) 12 am... one last login before I hit the sack
d) 4 am.... Oh my God, I've got a test tomorrow

ALRIGHT, GUYS. SCORING TIME.

0-25 points: You're not a nerd. Go read a manual or two and come back next year.

25-50 points: You're an up-and-coming Internet nerd. Why don't you telnet over to 128.6.4.8 and play around with the Quartz BBS for a while.

50-75 points: You're a full-fledged Internet nerd. Join the club.

75-100 points: You're an Internet addict. Try going to the library this week, it'll do you some good.

100+ points: You're an Internet obsessive-compulsive. Unplug your computer, go out in the woods for a few days, and relax. Lay back and listen to the birds singing. Clear your mind. And don't forget to
unsubscribe yourself from all those lists before you leave.

My neighbor works in the operations department in the Central Office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have a problem with their computers.

One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks who had this question:

"I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?"

Rated G

EVERYONE WITH A COMPUTER CAN APPRECIATE THIS ONE.

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with the technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating, "If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.

2. Every time they painted new lines on the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull over to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue.

For some reason you would simply accept this.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Only one person at a time could use the car unless you bought "CarNT," but then you would have to buy more seats.

6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive -- but it would only run on five percent of the roads.

7. The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "general protection fault" warning light.

8. The airbag system would ask, "Are you sure?" before deploying.

9. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the antenna.

10. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally Road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50 percent or
more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice Department.

11. Every time GM introduced a new car, car buyers would have to learn to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

12. You'd have to press the "start" button to turn the engine off.

Any time you feel dumb, don't worry. Check out the following excerpts from a "Wall Street Journal" article by Jim Carlton. Lots of people are dumber than you.

1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the many calls asking where the "Any" key is.

2. Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with Xeroxed copies of the floppies.

3. Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of trouble-shooting, the technician discovered the man was
trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "send" key.
 

Application to Leave AOL

This form must be filled out in triplicate and e-mailed to all the regs not less than thirty days prior to your intended departure date. Applications will be reviewed the second Tuesday of each week from 1:10-1:15 am. If you are approved for departure (which ain't gonna
happen so give it up), you will be notified by e-mail on the second Wednesday of next week.

Part A

Question 1: In no less than 5,000 word explain your reason for desiring to be released from AOL:.

Question 2: What the hell do you think you are gonna do with all the spare time you are gonna have?

Question 3: Do you honestly believe your family likes you enough to talk to you?????

Part B
Personal Information
Full Given Name:________________________________
Address_______________________________________
______________________________________________
Daytime phone__________________________________
Work phone____________________________________
Parents phone__________________________________
Neighbors phone________________________________
Strangers phone_________________________________

Age____________ SSN#_____________________
Weight_______________ Height___________________
Bra size___________________ Jock size_____________
Mothers Maiden Name_____________________________
Grandmothers Country of Origin_____________________

List Ten Names, Addresses & Phone Numbers of places that you can be reached in case of a damn "we miss you" emergency: (please list the above info in alphabetical order...indicating where you are most likely tobe at what time of day)

Fill out this form and email to all known regs for review and opinion
-----------------------------------------------
This part to be completed by regs, and returned to the silly person requesting to leave us. (make sure you file all the personal info that was given above in case they try to leave us anyway!! HeHeHeHe)

Application Approved: NO_______
Application Denied: YES______

 

What’s the difference between women and computers ....?

Women don’t accept 3 and a half inch floppies
 

~ Computer Age ~

What boots up must come down.

Fax is stranger than fiction.

Don't byte off more than you can view.

The geek shall inherit the earth.

The e-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail.

Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use
the Net and he won't bother you for weeks.

 

Guy #1: "You'll never believe this. If you play an AOL 7.0
CD backwards you can hear all kinds of evil and satanic messages!"

Guy #2:
"That's nothing--if you play it forwards, it installs AOL."

 

THE ORIGIN OF THE INTERNET

An old, bearded shepherd with a crooked staff walked up to a stone pulpit and said, "And lo, it came to pass that the trader by the name of Abraham.Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot."

And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she had been called Amazon Dot Com.

And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why dost thou travel far, from town to town, with thy goods when thou can trade without ever leaving thy tent?"

And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, dear?

And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns (and drums in between the towns) to send messages saying what you have for sale and they will reply, telling you which hath the best price.

And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums.

And the drums rang out and were an immediate success.

Abraham sold all the goods he had, at the top price, without ever moving from his tent.

But this success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia did secret himself inside Abraham's drum and was accused of insider trading.

And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums, that no one noticed the real riches were going to the drum maker, one Brother William of Gates, who bought up every drum company in the land.

And, indeed, he did insist on making drums that would work only if you bought Brother Gates' drumsticks.

And Dot said, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others.

And, as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or as it came to be known, "eBay", he said,"We need a name that reflects what we are."

And Dot replied, Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators." "Whoopee!", said Abraham.

"No, YAHOO!" said Dot Com...and that is how it all began.

It wasn't Al Gore after all.

Dr. Seuss Explains Why Computers Sometimes Crash

If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port, and the bus is interrupted at a very last resort, and the access of the memory makes your floppy disk abort, then the socket packet pocket has an error to report.

If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash, and the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash, and your data is corrupted cause the index doesn't hash, then your situation's hopeless and your system's gonna crash!

If the label on the cable on the table at your house says the network is connected to the button on your mouse, but your packets want to tunnel to another protocol, that's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall, and your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss, so your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse; then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang, 'cuz sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang!

When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy in the disk, and the macro code instructions cause unnecessary risk, then you'll have to flash the memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM then quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your Mom!

WELL! That certainly clears things up for ME !
 

Things I have learned from reading my junk e-mail:

1. Everything is absolutely free (or only shipping & handling).

2. I can become a millionaire overnight just by clicking here.

3. Hundreds of young beautiful cheerleaders are waiting to perform any sexual acts I wish performed on me (or my pets,or my farm animals) if I just click there.

4. I can have my penis size doubled, my breasts enlarged two cup
sizes,
my age reversed by 20 to 30 years. Just click here.

5. I can buy almost anything for practically nothing if I just click here.

6. I can see lovely lesbians cavort with each other..virgins lose
their virginity in front of my eyes or famous movie starlets do it
with a hundred horny dwarfs...just click here and here.

7. I can purchase potions to enhance my sex life, restore myhair loss, make me irresistible to the opposite sex (or the same sex if preferred)..what else? click over yonder.

8. But wait..there's more...legal marijuana, sleeping pills,stay-awake pills, lose weight pills, gain weight pills....a set of
Ginzu knives...all by just clicking and clicking.

WHAT A COUNTRY........

To My Darling Husband,

I'm sending you this letter in a bogus software company envelope so you'll be sure to read it. Please forgive the deception, but I thought you shouldknow what's been going on since your computer entered our lives two years ago.

The children are doing well. Tommy is 7 now and is a bright, Handsome boy. He has developed quite an interest in the arts. He drew a family portrait for a school project. All the figures were good but yours was excellent!

The chair and back of your head are very realistic. You would be proud of him. Little Jennifer turned 3 in September. She looks a lot like you did at that age. She is an attractive child and quite smart. She still remembers that you spent the whole afternoon with us on her birthday. What a grand day for Jen, despite the fact that it was stormy and the electricity was out.

I discovered that the household chores are much easier since I realized that you didn't mind being vacuumed and that the feather duster made you sneeze.

The house is in good shape. I had the living room painted last spring. I'm not sure if you noticed it. I asked the painters to cut air holes in the drop cloths so you wouldn't be disturbed.

Well dear, I must be going. The family is leaving on a ski trip and there is much packing to do. I've hired a house-keeper to take care of things while we are away. She'll keep things in order, fill your coffee cup and bring your meals to the computer room just the way you like it.

I hope you and the computer have a lovely time while we are gone. Tommy,Jen and I think of you often. Try to remember us while your disks are booting.

Love, Mary

Re: Replacement of Mouse Balls.

If a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically,it may
need a ball replacement.Mouse balls are now available as FRU(Field
Replacement Units).

Because of the delicate nature of this procedure,replacement of mouse
balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel.

Before proceeding,determine the type of mouse balls by examining the
underside of the mouse.Domestic balls will be larger and harder than
foreign balls.Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacturer of the mouse.

Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop off method.Domestic balls
are replaced by using the twist off method.Mouse balls are not usually static sensitive.However,excessive handling can result in sudden discharge.

Upon completion of ball replacement,the mouse may be used immediately.It is recommended that each person have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction.

Any customer missing his balls should contact the local personnel in
charge of removing and replacing these necessary items.Please keep in mind that a customer without properly working balls is an unhappy customer.

A woman called the Canon help desk because she was having aproblem with her printer. The tech asked her if she was"running it under Windows."

The woman responded, "No, my desk is next to the door. Butthat's a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next tome is under a window and his is working just fine."

 

BEFORE COMPUTERS

Remember when...

A computer was something on TV
from a science fiction show of note...
A window was something
you hated to clean...
And ram was the cousin of a goat....

Meg was the name of my girlfriend...
And gig was a job for the nights...
Now they all mean different things
And that really mega bytes!

An application was for employment...
A program was a TV show...
A cursor used profanity...
A keyboard was a piano!

Memory was something
that you lost with age...
A cd was a bank account...
And if you had a 3 1/2" floppy,
you hoped nobody found out!

Compress was something
you did to the garbage,
not something you did to a file...
And if you unzipped anything in public
you'd be in jail for a while...

Log on was adding wood to the fire...
Hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived...
And a backup happened
to your commode...

Cut you did with a pocket knife...
Paste you did with glue...
A web was a spider's home...
And a virus was the flu

I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper
And the memory in my head...
I hear nobody's been killed
in a computer crash,
but when it happens
they'll wish they were dead!
 

Lorraine
Rated G Lorraine

Two programmers walked along the street. They saw a beautiful blonde not far away and one of them said, "Too bad that girls have no standard interface."

"They have," replied the other programmer, "but there is no standard way to get to it."

 

Many years ago I was acting as the system administrator for a test
system in a large publicly held company. Periodically I would receive a call from someone who had not accessed the system recently, forgot their password and locked themselves out trying to logon. I would look up their password and unlock the system for them and they would go on their merry way.

One day I received a call from a young lady who was in just such a
predicament.

I looked up her password and informed her that it was'DOME' and, just to be playful, told her the price for me being gracious enough to unlock her sign-on was an explanation of the meaning of her password.

She became very embarrassed over the phone and pleaded that she could never reveal her secret.

I of course replied that I would not give her system access until she
did. After negotiating for several minutes she finally acquiesced but made me promise to never reveal her password meaning to any of her colleagues to which I gladly agreed.

"Well, what does it mean?", I asked.

She hesitated and then replied, "It's two words."

There was pregnant pause. I unlocked her system and simply said, "Have a nice day".

INTERNET TWELVE-STEP!

12-Step Internet Recovery Program:

1) I will have a cup of coffee in the morning and read my newspaper like I used to, before the Internet.

2) I will eat breakfast with a knife and fork and not with one hand
typing.

3) I will get dressed before noon.

4) I will make an attempt to clean the house, wash clothes, and plan
dinner before even thinking of the Internet.

5) I will sit down and write a letter to those unfortunate few friends
and family that are Internet-deprived.

6) I will call someone on the phone who I cannot contact via the Internet.

7) I will read a book...if I still remember how.

8) I will listen to those around me and their needs and stop telling themn to turn the TV down so I can hear the music on the Internet.

9) I will not be tempted during TV commercials to check for email.

10) I will try and get out of the house at least once a week, if it is necessary or not.

11) I will remember that my bank is not forgiving if I forget to balance my checkbook because I was too busy on the Internet.

12) Last, but not least, I will remember that I must go to bed sometime ... and the Internet will always be there tomorrow!
 

If Microsoft was Jewish

1. Instead of getting a "General Protection Fault" error, your PC
would get "Ferklemmt."

2. When you fill up your "C-drive," you will get a "Hard Drive is
Shtupped" message.

3. Hanukkah screen savers will have "Flying Draydles."

4. Your PC shuts down automatically at sundown on Friday evenings.

5. CD-ROM's would be rendered obsolete with the invention of high
compression DVB's (digital video bagels).

6. Your "Start" button would be replaced with a "Let's go! I'm not getting any younger!" button.

7. "Abort, Retry, Ignore" would be replaced with "Stop it already - You're killing me! You vant I should try it again? I didn't hear that!".

8. When disconnecting external devices from the back of your PC, you would be instructed to "Remove the cable from your PC's toukhes."

9. Your multimedia player would be renamed to "Nu, so play my music already!".

10. During Passover, your PC would not be able to read "leavened
floppies."

11. "Microsoft Word" would be renamed to "Microsoft Kibbitz."

12. Microsoft Office would include "A little byte of this, and a little byte of that."

13. When running "ScanDisk," you will be prompted with a "You vant I should fix this?" message.

14. When your PC is working too hard, you would occasionally hear a loud Oy!!!".

15. A "monitor cleaning solution" from Manischewitz would advertise that it gets rid of the "schmootz" on your monitor.

16. After 20 minutes of no activity, your PC would go "Shloofie"

17. Computer viruses would now be cured with chicken soup.

18. Solitaire would be replaced with on-line "Bingo"or "Mahjong."

19. Internet Explorer would now have a spinning "Star of David" in the upper right corner.

20. After your computer dies, you would dispose of it within 24 hours.

21. You would hear the tune "Hava Nagila" during startup.

22. "Year 2000" issues are replaced by "Year 5760-5761" issues.

23. Bill Gates' official theme song would be "If I Were a Rich Man."

I had run across the term cyber sex a few times lately, so I decided to try to figure out what it meant. I figured it had something to do with the computer, so I started trying to find the sex drive on mine.

I looked everywhere, in all the folders on the My Computer section, the add/uninstall software, install hardware part of the control panel then I got out all the manuals and went through them. I finally came to the conclusion that my computer is not equipped with one.

So I decided to go to the computer store and see if I could buy one. I wanted to look intelligent and scholarly, so I wore my math hat.

Well, the salesperson in the first store was a rather stern looking woman. I gave her the make and model of my computer and asked her if she had any sex drives in stock. She kinda scowled at me and asked me if I was trying to get smart
with her, figuring she had been impressed with my math hat, I replied that I tried to be smart with everyone. She said, rather rudely I thought, that she couldn't help me and walked away.

HUH, must not have had any in stock.

In the second store, I gave the salesperson the make and model of my computer and asked if they had any sex drives in stock. He kind of snickered and asked if I meant a hard drive. I thought about it for a minute and told him yeah, maybe that, but I think I should already have one installed. He started laughing at me said something about me trying to kill him. "You're killing me!" Something like that and walked away.

Hmmmm, must be out here too. Must be hard to keep in stock I wasn't trying to kill him I wasn't even hurting him.

The guy in the third store laughed and asked me if I'd just fallen off the turnip truck. I assured him I'd never been on a turnip truck, but I'd fallen off the manure wagon a few times. He mumbled something about that explaining it. "She's fallen off the wagon, that explains it," like that and walked away laughing.

The guy in the fourth store said something like,"boob" under his breath and walked away. Wonder why he only noticed one? Anyway I figured they must not carry them in stores maybe have to order from a catalog or something.

So that's where I am now.

If any of you have some computer skills and could help me locate my sex drive, I would appreciate it then all I'd have to do is figure out what to do with it.
 

Remember when...

A computer was something on TV
from a science fiction show of note...
A window was something
you hated to clean...
And ram was the cousin of a goat....

Meg was the name of my girlfriend...
And gig was a job for the nights...
Now they all mean different things
And that really mega bytes!

An application was for employment...
A program was a TV show...
A cursor used profanity...
A keyboard was a piano!

Memory was something
that you lost with age...
A cd was a bank account...
And if you had a 3 1/2" floppy,
you hoped nobody found out!

Compress was something
you did to the garbage,
not something you did to a file...
And if you unzipped anything in public
you'd be in jail for a while...

Log on was adding wood to the fire...
Hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived...
And a backup happened
to your commode...

Cut you did with a pocket knife...
Paste you did with glue...
A web was a spider's home...
And a virus was the flu

I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper
And the memory in my head...
I hear nobody's been killed
in a computer crash,
but when it happens
they'll wish they were dead

"Chat Rooms"

*******

I'd always been apprehensive about joining a chat room for fear I'd do something wrong. One day after my son, Jeff, had gotten off the computer, I logged on to the Internet to play a game.

Suddenly a screen popped up saying, "Your friend is online."

Apparently Jeff had forgotten to sign off, and I took the opportunity to "chat" with someone I probably knew. Jeff's friend assumed he was still chatting with Jeff, and I was having fun with the situation.

After a few minutes, however, Jeff's friend typed: "Who is this?"

"Why do you ask that?" I responded.

The reply came across the screen: "Because Jeff doesn't spell
that good."

Rated G

Dear Lord:

Rated PG

COMPUTOR CHRISTMAS

Rated G

Windows 2000 Error Messages

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What Is S.P.A.M. an Abbreviation For?

Rated X

The name Microsoft

Rated G

Life Before the Computer

Rated G

Ten things Bill Gates would like to change about the automotive industry

Rated G ................Anonymous Author

Ten ways to realize your Internet connection is a little slow

Rated G

Useless fact - Why are gasoline prices listed to three decimal places, such as $1.479 per gallon?

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Error Messages:

Rated PG ....The 12 Steps of Windows Anonymous

Rated G ...............Becky

New Virus Warning:

Just got this in from a reliable source.It seems that there is a
virus out there called the Senile Virus that even the most advanced programs from Norton cannot take care of,so be warned.

It appears to affect those of us who were born before 1958!

Symptoms of Senile Virus:

Rated G Baby Blues

(Sung to the tune of "Somewhere over the Rainbow")

Rated G Lorraine

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WHAT THE KIDS TYPE & MEAN IN INSTANT MESSAGING

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Rated G Sue Bee

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Rated G Urgent Message - Ed in Beantown

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Rated G Lorraine

In Japan,they have replaced the impersonal and unhelpful computer error messages with Haiku poetry messages.They're used to communicate a timeless message,often achieving a wistful,yearning and powerful insight through extreme brevity.Here are 13 actual error messages from Japan:

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"Biblical Spokespersons"

What if Biblical characters could be recruited as high-tech
promoters? Consider the following tech advocates and their ad
slogans:

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Badtimes

If you receive an email entitled "Badtimes," delete it immediately.Do not open it. this one is pretty nasty.

Rated G Lorraine

COMPUTER TERMS:

Rated G : Michele

Rated G Michele

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You know,You've Been Online too Long when

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Rated G Michele

Computer Bumper Stickers

Rated G Lorraine

Rated G Michele

Rated G Michele

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Rated G Denny in Yonkers

From a "Senior" point of view:

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The following are new Windows messages that are under
consideration for the Windows XP:

Rated G Lorraine

FACTS OF COMPUTER LIFE:

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Bud Abbott and Lou Costello Who's on First at "The Computer Store"

Rated G

Dear Lord,

Rated G B.B.

AM I USING MY COMPUTER TOO MUCH?

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My New Spelling Chequer

Rated G Michele

Rated G Michele

Rated G Michele

Rated G B.B.

SERENE JAPANESE COMPUTER MESSAGES

Rated G Diane in Reno

Dear Tech Support:

Rated G Michele

Rated R Ed in Aurora,Ont.

NEWFIE LUBRICANT ~~~~~~~

Rated G

Dr. Seuss As A Technical Writer

Rated G Michele

Rated G Uncle Bubba

Bevererly Hillbillies Tune

Rated PG Michele

Rated G Michele

Rated G Sue Bee

Computer Bumper Snickers

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Rated G

Here are 16 actual error messages seen on computer screens in
Japan. Aren't these better than, "your computer has performed an
illegal operation?"

Rated G B.B.

MicroSoft Windows 2004 - Improved Error Messages

Rated G Ed in Aurora, Ontario Ca

Rated G B.B.

SIGNS YOU'VE BEEN ONLINE TOO LONG

Rated G B.B.

An Alan Tale

Rated G Michele

10 Ways To Know You Bought a Bad Computer

Rated R Michele

Rated G

Rated G B.B.

THINGS TO DO WHILE WAITING FOR AOL TO CONNECT

Rated G Ollie

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Password

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Rated PG Sheldon


Fantasy e-mail addresses we might imagine...

Rated G Michele

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Rated R Michele

SON:

Rated G Michele

Rated G Spongemom

Rated G Michele

The Top 5 Signs Your Website Was Hacked by Dumb Guys

Rated G Lorraine

Rated G Michele

Rated G

True webheads use "signatures" -- zippy little one-line sayings that are automatically attached to the bottom of email messages. Here are some of the best:

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Computer One Liners

Rated G Betsy

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Computer Illiterate

Rated G Cindy

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31 Signs That Technology Has Taken Over Your Life:

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Things You Don't Want To Hear From Technical Support

Rated G

Another Windows/M$ Joke

Rated G Michele

Rated G Michele

Rated G Michele

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Overheard in a computer shop......

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Rated G Michele

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Historical Spam Subject Lines

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Cleaning Poem

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12 Steps for Computer Addicts

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Useless fact - Why is eating puffer fish so dangerous?

Rated G

The technical geek test

Are you a tehcnical geek?

Rated G

The Windows Rejection Song

Sung to the tune of The Rainbow Connection by Kermit Frog

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New Millennium Conversations (Computer World)

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"CYBERSPACE OBITUARY"

Rated G

Actual dialogue of a former Wordperfect Customer Support Employee (CSE)

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Top Ten Changes to Cable Television ...

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AOL Version 9.0 Cool features you may not be aware of:

Rated G Lorraine

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Pickup Lines for Geeks

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HOW TO GET BETTER SERVICE ON YOUR MACHINE

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Matrimonial Specifications

Looking for a Wife

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Looking for a Husband

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Why the Internet Is Like a Vagina

Rated G Bob in Kingston, Ontario

FOR EVERYONE WHO SENDS E-MAILS, PLEASE READ VERY CAREFULLY!!!!! I HOPE THIS HELPS

Please read the text below..

Rated G Betsy

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Doctor - Engineer & Programmer

Rated G B.B.

New At The Pearly Gates"

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To: ALL PERSONNEL Subject: Restroom Trip

Policy

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Rules For Surviving Web Addiction

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Ten Ways You Know Your Internet Connection Is A Little Slow

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The 10 Commandments of E-Mail

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Am I using my computer too much?

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You know it is time to reassess your relationship with
your computer when....

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Signs That Your Net Relationship Is Over

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Rated G B.B.

WONDER for YOUR WEEK:

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Rated G Sam

Rated G Susan

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Rated G Jewell

Eye Halve a Spelling Chequer

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Back then... ...

Rated G Loney

How to move a computer

Rated G B.B.

The top 10 things the Apostle Paul would have done if he had a PC

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Rated G Andrew

Rated G B.B.

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Rated G Lorraine

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Computer Bumper Stickers

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Rated G Bill

You know it is time to reassess your relationship with your computer when....

Rated G B .B.

"Things to do When Your ISP Goes Down"

Rated G Quirk

Rated G B.B.

Rated G Bruce

Rated G

Actual dialog of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee:

Rated PG

Apple Computer reported today that it has developed computer chips that can store and play music inside women's breasts .

This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts but never listening to them.

Rated G Lorraine

COMPUTER AGE LOVE LETTER:

Rated G B.B.