I'm glad I'm a woman, yes I am, yes I am.
I don't live off of Budweiser, Beer Nuts and Spam.
I don't brag to my buddies about erections.
I won't drive to Hell before I ask for directions.
I don't get wasted at parties, and act like a clown.
And I know how to put that damned toilet seat down!
I won't grab your hooters, I won't pinch your butt.
My belt buckle's not hidden beneath my beer gut.
And I don't go around "re-adjusting" my crotch,
or yell like Tarzan when my headboard gets a notch.
I don't belch in public, I don't scratch my behind.
I'm a woman you see - I'm just not that kind!
I'm glad I'm a woman, I'm so glad I could sing.
I don't have body hair like shag carpeting.
It doesn't grow from my ears or cover my back.
When I lean over you can't see 3 inches of my crack.
And what's on my head doesn't leave with my comb.
I'll never buy a toupee to cover my dome.
Or have a few hairs pulled from over the side.
I'm a woman, you know - I've got far too much pride!
And I honestly think it's a privilege for me,
to have these two boobs and squat when I pee.
I don't live to play golf and shoot basketball.
I don't swagger and spit like a Neanderthal.
I won't tell you my wife just does not understand,
or stick my hand in my pocket to hide that gold band.
Or tell you a story to make you sigh and weep,
then screw you, roll over and fall sound asleep!
Yes, I'm so very glad I'm a woman, you see.
Forget all about that old penis enve.
I don't long for male bonding, I don't cruise for chicks.
Join the Hair Club For Men, or think with my dick.
I'm a woman by chance and I'm thankful, it's true.
I'm so glad I'm a woman and not a man like you!
 

"WOMENS LANGUAGE INTERPRETOR"

Fine:
This is the word we use at the end of any argument that we feel we are right about, but need to shut you up. NEVER use fine to describe how a woman looks. This will cause you to have one of those arguments.

Five minutes:
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so I feel that it's an even trade.

Nothing:
This means something and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with the word "Fine."

Go Ahead (with raised eyebrows):
This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine."

Go Ahead (normal eyebrows):
This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care." You will get a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine", and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.

Loud Sigh:
This is not actually a word, but is still often a verbal statement very misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing."

Soft Sigh:
Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" are one of the few things that some men actually understand. She is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe and she will stay content.

Oh:
This word followed by any statement is trouble.
Example: "Oh, let me get that". Or, "Oh, I talked to him about what you were doing last night." If she says "Oh" before a statement, run, do not walk, to the nearest exit. She will tell you that she is "Fine" when she is done tossing your clothes out the window, but do not expect her to talk to you for at least 2 days. "Oh" as the lead to a sentence usually signifies that you are caught in a lie. Do not try to lie more to get out of it, or you will get raised eyebrows. "Oh, go ahead" followed by acts so unspeakable that I can't bring myself to write about them.

That's Okay:
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you retributions for what ever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine", and used in conjunction with a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead." At some point in the near future when she has plotted and planned, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.

Please Do:
This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for
doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance to tell the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a “That's Okay.”

Thanks:
A woman is thanking you. Do not faint, just say "you're welcome."

Thanks A Lot:
This is much different from "Thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have hurt her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh." Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you "Nothing."

The following is from an actual 1950s home economics text book intended for high school girls, teaching them how to prepare for married life.

1. Have dinner ready: Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal - on time. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospects of a good meal are part of the warm welcome needed.

2. Prepare yourself: Take 15 minutes to rest so you will be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbonin your hair and be fresh looking. He has just been with a lotof work-weary people. Be a little gay and a little more interesting. His boring day may need a lift.

3. Clear away clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives, gathering up school books, toys, paper, etc. Then run a dust cloth over the tables. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift too.

4. Prepare the children. Take a few minutes to wash the children's hands and faces if they are small, comb their hair,and if necessary, change their clothes. They are little treasures and he would like to see them playing the part.

5. Minimize the noise: At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of washer, dryer, or vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be quiet. Greet him with a warm smile and be glad to see him.

6. Some DONT'S: Don't greet him with problems or complaints.Don't complain if he's late for dinner. Count this as minor compared with what he might have gone through that day.

7. Make him comfortable. Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or suggest he lay down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him. Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soft, soothing and pleasant voice. Allow him to relax and unwind.

8. Listen to him: You may have a dozen things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first.
 

An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the God-given responsibility to find the perfect woman, marry her, and raise a family.

With that as his mission he began searching for the perfect woman.

After a diligent but fruitless search up and down the east coast, he decided to head west. Soon he came across a farmer who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away. So he explained his mission to the farmer, asking for permission to marry one of them.

The farmer simply replied, "They're all lookin' to get married,so you've come to the right place. Look over them and decide which one you wanna marry."

The man dated the first daughter. The next day the farmer asked for the man's opinion. "Well, she's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice, pigeon-toed."

So the man dated the second daughter. The next day the farmer asked for the man's opinion. "Well, she's just a weeeeee bit,not that you can hardly notice, cross-eyed."

So then the man dated the third daughter. The next morning the man rushed in, exclaiming, "She's perfect! She's perfect! She's the one I want to marry!"

So they were immediately wed.

Nine months later the baby was born. When the man visited the nursery, he was horrified. The baby was the most hideous, ugliest, most pathetic baby you could imagine.

He rushed to his father-in-law, asking how such a thing could happen, considering his parents were perfect.

"Well," replied the farmer, "she was just a weeeeeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell, pregnant when you met her." 
 

Good girls blush during love scenes in a movie.
Bad girls know they could do it better.

Good girls loosen a few buttons when it's hot.
Bad girls make it hot by loosening a few buttons.

Good girls only own one credit card and rarely use it.
Bad girls only own one bra and rarely use it.

Good girls pack their toothbrush.
Bad girls pack their diaphragms.

Good girls prefer the missionary position.
Bad girls do too, but only for starters.

Good girls say, "No."
Bad girls say, "When?"

Good girls think they're not fully dressed without a strand of pearls.
Bad girls think they're fully dressed with just a strand of pearls.

Good girls wax their floors.
Bad girls wax their bikini lines.

Good girls wear high heels to work.
Bad girls wear high heels to bed.
 

A group of girlfriends are on vacation when they see a five- story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only."

Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.

The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have five floors. Go up floor-by-floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside."

So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads:"All the men on this floor are short and plain."

The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.

The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short and handsome."

Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up.

They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here are tall and plain."

They still want to do better, and so,knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up.

On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here are tall and handsome."

The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.

There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."
 

An Arkansas woman is in the welfare office filling out forms.

The welfare officer asks her how many children she has.

"Ten boys,"

"And their names?"

"Leroy, Leroy, Leroy, Leroy, Leroy, Leroy, Leroy, Leroy, Leroy, and Leroy"

"All named Leroy? "'Why would you name them all Leroy?"

"That way, when I wants them all to come in from the yard I just yells LEROY, and when I wants them all to come to dinner I just yells LEROY!"

"What if you just want a particular one of them to do something?"

"Then I calls him by his last name."

Martha Stewart vs. Me

Martha's way #1: Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar
cone to prevent ice cream drips.
My way: Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's
sake, you are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it anyway.

Martha's way #2: Use a meat baster to "squeeze" your pancake batter onto the hot griddle and you'll get perfectly shaped pancakes every time.
My way: Buy the precooked kind you nuke in the microwave for 30 seconds. The hard part is getting them out of the plastic bag.

Martha's way #3: To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.
My way: Buy Hungry Jack mashed-potato mix and keep it in the pantry for up to a year.

Martha's way #4: To prevent egg shells from cracking, add a pinch of salt to the water before hard-boiling.
My way: Who cares if they crack, aren't you going to take the shells off anyway?

Martha's way #5: To get the most juice out of fresh lemons, bring them to room temperature and roll them under your palm against the kitchen counter before squeezing.
My way: Sleep with the lemons in between the mattress and box springs.

Martha's way #6: To easily remove burnt-on food from your skillet, simply add a drop or two of dish soap and enough water to cover bottom of pan, and bring to a boil on stovetop.
My way: Eat at Chili's every night and avoid cooking.

Martha's way #7: Spray your Tupperware with nonstick cooking spray before pouring in tomato based sauces and there won't be any stains.
My way: Feed your garbage disposal and there won't be any leftovers.

Martha's way #8: When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake.
My way: Go to the bakery. They'll even decorate it for you.

Martha's way #9: If you accidentally over-salt a dish while it's stillcooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant "fix me up"
My way: If you over-salt a dish while you are cooking, that's too damn bad.
My motto: I made it and you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes.

Martha's way #10: Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks.
My way: Celery? Never heard of the stuff.

Martha's way #11: Brushing some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking yields a beautiful glossy finish.
My way: The Mrs. Smith frozen pie directions do not include brushing egg whites over the crust and so I don't do it.

Martha's way #12: Place a slice of apple in hardened brown sugar to soften it.
My Way: Brown sugar is supposed to be "soft"?

Martha's way #13: When boiling corn on the cob, add a pinch of sugar to help bring out the corn's natural sweetness.
My Way: The only kind of corn I buy comes in a can.

Martha's way #14: To determine whether an egg is fresh, immerse it in a pan of cool, salted water. If it sinks, it is fresh, but if it rises to the surface, throw it away.
My way: Eat, cook with, or use the egg anyway. If you feel bad later, you will know it wasn't fresh.

Martha's way #15: Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.
My way: Martha, dear, the only reason this works is because you can't rub a lime on your forehead without getting lime juice in your eye, and then the problem isn't the headache anymore, it is because you are now blind.

Martha's way #16: Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.
My way: Leftover wine?

Martha's way #17: If you have a problem opening jars: Try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non slip grip that makes opening jars easy.
My way: Go ask the very cute neighbour to do it.

Martha's way #18: Potatoes will take food stains off your fingers. Just slice and rub raw potato on the stains and rinse with water.
My way: Mashed potatoes will now be replacing the anti-bacterial soap in the handy dispenser next to my sink.
 

A woman decides to have a facelift for her birthday. She spends$15,000.00 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home she stops at a newsstand to buy a paper. Before leaving, she asks the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?"

"About 32", the clerk replies.

"I'm actually 47", the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald's and upon getting her order, asks the counter girl the same question. She replies, "I'd guess about 29".

The woman replies, "Nope, I am 47." Now she is feeling really good about herself.

While waiting for the bus home, she asks an old man the same question.

He replies, "I'm 78 and my eyesight is starting to go. Although, when I was young, there was a sure way to tell how old a woman was, but it requires you to let me put my hands up your shirt and feel your boobs. Then I can tell exactly how old you are."

They waited in silence on the empty street until curiosity got the best of the woman and she finally says, "What the hell, go ahead."

The old man slips both hands up her shirt under her bra, and begins to feel around.

After a couple of minutes she says, "Okay, okay, how old am I?"

He removes his hands and says, "You are 47."

Stunned the woman says, "That is amazing. How did you know?"

The old man replies, "I was behind you in line at McDonald's."
 

A young and beautiful woman gets into the elevator and smelling like expensive perfume turns to the old Italian woman and says arrogantly, "Giorgio - Beverly Hills, $100 an ounce!"

The next young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator and also very arrogantly turns to the old Italian woman and says, "Chanel No. 5, $150 an ounce!

About three floors later, the old Italian woman has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves, looks both beautiful women in the eye, she bends over, and farts.....

"Broccoli - 49 cents a pound."
 

If Woman Ruled the World...     

- Men would sit around and wonder what WE are thinking

.- Women with cold hands would give men prostate exams.

- PMS would be a legitimate defense in court

- Men would get reputations for sleeping around.

- Singles bars would have metal detectors to weed out men hiding wedding rings in their pockets.

- A man would no longer be considered a "good catch" simply because he is breathing.

- Fewer women would be dieting because their ideal weight standard would increase by 40 pounds.

- Shopping would be considered an aerobic activity

.- "Ms." Magazine would have an annual swimsuit issue featuring scantily clad male models.

- Men would not be allowed to eat gas-producing foods within two hours of bedtime

.- Men would be secretaries for female bosses, working twice as hard for none of the credit.

- Little girls would read "Snow White and the Seven Hunks."

- Men would bring drinks, chips and dip to women watching soap operas.

- Men would HAVE to get Playboy for the articles, because there would be no pictures

- Men would learn phrases like:  "I'm sorry," "I love you," "You're beautiful," "Of course you don't look fat in that outfit."

- Men would be judged entirely by their looks, women by their accomplishments

- Men would pay as much attention to their woman as to their car.

- All toilet seats would be nailed down.

- Men would work on relationships as much as they work on their careers.

- TV news segments on sports would never run longer than 1 minute.

- All men would be forced to spend one month in a PMS simulator

.- During mid-life crisis, men would get hot-flashes and women would date 19-year-olds

.- Overweight men would have their weight brought to their attention constantly

.- After a baby is born, men would take a six-week paternity leave to wait on their wives hand and foot.

- For basic training, soldiers would have to take care of a two-year old for six weeks.   

 

A little girl and her mother were out and about.

The girl, out of the blue, asked her mother, "Mommy, How old are you?"

The mother responded, "Honey, women don't talk about their age.You'll learn this as you get older.

"The girl then asked, "Mommy, how much do you weigh?"

Her mother responded again, "That's another thing women don't talk about. You'll learn this, too, as you grow up."

The girl still wanting to know about her mother, then fires off another question, "Mommy, Why did you and daddy get a divorce?"

The mother, a little annoyed by the questions, responded,"Honey, that is a subject that hurts me very much, and I don't want to talk about it now."

The little girl, frustrated, sulks until she is dropped off at a friend's house to play.

She consults with her girlfriend about her and her mother's conversation.

The girlfriend says, "All you have to do is sneak and look at your mother's driver's license.It's just a like a report card from school. It tells you everything."

Later, the little girl and her mother are out and about again.

The little girl starts off with, "Mommy, Mommy, I know how old you are. I know how old you are. You're 32 years old."

The mother is very shocked. She asks, "Sweetheart, how do you know that?" The little girl shrugs and says, "I just know. And I know how much you weigh. You weigh 130 pounds." "Where did you learn that?" The little girl says, "I just know. And I know why you and daddy got a divorce. You got an 'F' in sex."   
 

***How to Shower Like a Woman***

Take off clothing and place it in a sectioned laundry hamper according to lights, darks, whites, man made or natural.

Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If husband seen along the way, cover up any exposed flesh and rush to the bathroom.

Look at womanly physique in the mirror and stick out belly. Complain and whine about getting fat.

Get in shower. Look for facecloth, armcloth, loin cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.

Wash hair once with Cucumber and Lamphrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.

Wash hair again with Cucumber and Lamphrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.

Condition hair with cucumber and lamphrey conditioner with enhanced natural crocus oil.
Leave on hair for 15 minutes.

Wash face with crushed apricot facial scrub for ten minutes until red raw.

Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash.

Rinse conditioner off hair taking at least 15 minutes to make sure that it's all come off.

Shave armpits and legs. Consider shaving bikini area but decide to get it waxed instead.

Scream loudly when husband flushes toilet and water loses pressure and turns red hot. Turn off shower.

Squeegee all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mould spots with Tilex.

Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of small African country.

Wrap hair in super absorbent second towel.

Check entire body for remotest sign of spots. Attack with nails and or tweezers (if you can find them).

Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.

If husband seen, cover up any exposed areas and then rush to bedroom to spend hour and a half getting dressed.

****How to Shower Like a Man****

Take off clothes while sitting on bed, and leave them in a pile.

Walk naked to bathroom. If wife seen, shake knob at her while shouting "Wey Hey!!"

Look in mirror and suck in gut to see your manly physique.

Admire size of knob in mirror, scratch bollocks and smell fingers for one last whiff. Get in shower.

Don't bother to look for wash cloth, don't need one.

Wash face.

Wash armpits.

Laugh at how loud farts sound in the shower.

Wash bollocks and the surrounding area.

Wash arse, leaving hair on soap.

Shampoo hair but do not use conditioner.

Make Mohican hairstyle with shampoo. Pull back curtain to see self in mirror.

Piss in shower.

Rinse off and get out of shower. Fail to notice water on floor because shower curtain outside bath for whole shower time.

Partially dry off.

Look at self in mirror, flex muscles and admire size of knob again.

Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on floor.

Leave bathroom light and fan on.

Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, grab knob, go "Yeah baby" and thrust pelvis at her.

Put on yesterday's clothes.

 

Are you a BITCH?

Some friends were sitting at the bar talking about their professions.

The first guy says "I'm a YUPPIE, you know...Young, Urban, Professional, Peaceful, Intelligent, Ecologist"

The second guy says "I'm a DINK...Dual Income, No Kids."

The third guy says, "I'm a RUB...Rich, Urban, Biker."

They turn to the woman and ask her, "What are you?"

She replies:"I'm a WIFE...Wash, Iron, Fuck, Etc."

A second woman answers their question before they even ask it,"BITCH."

"What exactly is a BITCH?!" they ask in unison.

"Babe In Total Control of Herself." So ladies, next time somebody calls you "Bitch", smile and say "Thank You!!"
 

A man was looking in the paper when he came across an ad that read, "Encyclopedia set for sale. In great condition. No longer needed because my fuckin' wife knows everything!"
 

A dictionary for women

Argument (ar*gyou*ment) n.
--------------------------
A discussion that occurs when you're right, but he just hasn't realized it yet.

Airhead (er*hed) n.
-------------------
What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman.

Bar-be-que (bar*bi*q) n.
------------------------
You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything up, but, he, "made the dinner."

Blonde jokes (blond joks) n.
----------------------------
Jokes that are short so men can understand them.

Cantaloupe (kant*e*lope) n.
--------------------------
Gotta get married in a church.

Clothes dryer (kloze dri*yer) n.
--------------------------------
An appliance designed to eat socks.

Diet Soda (dy*it so*da) n.
--------------------------
A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half pound bag of peanut M&Ms.

Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee) n.
--------------------------
The last two minutes of a football game.

Exercise (ex*er*siz) v.
-----------------------
To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase.

Grocery List (grow*ser*ee list) n.
-----------------------------------
What you spend half an hour writing, then forget to take with you to the store.

Hair Dresser (hare dres*er) n.
------------------------------
Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to duplicate again. See "Magician."

Hardware Store (hard*war stor) n.
---------------------------------
Similar to a black hole in space-if he goes in, he isn't coming out anytime soon.

Childbirth (child*brth) n.
--------------------------
You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say "focus,...breath...push..."

Lipstick (lip*stik) n.
----------------------
On your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On his collar, coloring only a tramp would wear...!

Park (park) v./n.
-----------------
Before children, a verb meaning, "to go somewhere and neck." After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide.

Patience (pa*shens) n.
----------------------
The most important ingredient for dating, marriage and children.
See also "tranquilizers."

Waterproof Mascara (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah) n.
----------------------------------------------
Comes off if you cry, shower, or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it.

Valentine's Day (val*en*tinez dae) n.
-------------------------------------
A day when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds, and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card.
 

A man sitting in a bar was complaining to his friend that he was still single.

His friend asked him how this could happen. He answered,

"Well, I'm looking for the perfect woman, I'm not going to settle for the first
one that comes along."

After a couple of weeks they meet again in the same bar, and the friend informe's him about his progress on his search.

He said, "I've found the perfect woman."

The friend replies, "So why are you looking so unhappy?"

He replied, "She was looking for the perfect man
 

1) Is it just me or do women always have to own ten thousand shoes that they never use?

2) Is is just me, or when you ask a women what's wrong, and she says something like "fine" or "nothing" it really means "I'm pissed off at you and you have about twenty minutes to guess, take responsibility say sorry ten times or your cut off for two weeks."

3) Why do women have to look at everything when they go shopping? And then get mad at us when we don't wanna go?

4) Why can't we plain old quick hot monkey sex with a women, instead of "making love"

5) Why can't women accept the fact that lesbians are cool!

6) Why can't women accept that when an attractive women walks by with a low cut top and huge breasts we have no control over staring at them!

7) Why can't women get over the fact that when ever they ask "how do I look", and we say fine, we always have to say yes!

8) Sports are the ultimate escape for us guys who are no good at them, let us watch them in peace or don't expect us to go to a ballet or opera.

9) If the toilet seat is up, do the logical thing and put itdown!

10) Don't expect guys to like your dad or ex-boyfriend

11) Realize that guys are no too bright, so when we say we're fine we probably are. If you wanna know what is going on in a guy's mind it's either the Smurfs theme music or some useless sports stuff.
 

In the Telegraph
TRUE'ISH STORY.

There's a town in Hertfordshire (UK) called Tillit.
In Tillit is a pub called "The Cockwell Inn".
The publican there is a lady called Lucy Likes.

So her address is:-
Miss Lucy Likes
The Cockwell Inn
Tillit
Herts

 

1. Don't ever lie to us; we always find out.

2. We don't enjoy talking dirty to you as much as you enjoy listening.

3. Don't say you understand when you don't.

4. Girls are pretty, but yours is the Prettiest!

5. You don't have PMS; don't act like you know what it's like.

6. Saying something sweet might get you off the hook; doing something sweet will always get you off the hook.

7. If you talk about having a big Dick; we know you don't.

8. Size does matter, but only to hoes; not girls that want relationships.

9. We don't like it when you act like Mr. Big.

10. A system in your car only impresses your homeboys not us.

11. No matter what you say, your ex-girlfriend is a hoe.

12. It's good to be sensitive, sometimes.

13. If you did something wrong or even if you didn't, apologize.

14. Be spontaneous; dinner and a movie won't always cut it.

15. We are self-conscious by nature; we can't help it.

16. We are DrAmA queens.

17. Fashion police do exist.

18. Don't ask us to give head; if you are nice you just might get it.

19. We absolutely DO NOT care about monster trucks, car systems, paintball, or anything else you and your friends talk about.

20. Hugs and kisses must be given at all times.

21.We don't shave our legs everyday so get over it.

22. Don't make bets about us; we always find out.

23. Shave; no matter how cool you think your goatee or beard or mustache looks, we hate it.
24. Even if you think it is cool to burp, fart, or emitt other strange gases from your body, it is not.
25. Don't compare our breasts with Pamela Anderson's; hers are fake, just remember that. ( u have a better shot at ours than you ever will with hers)

26. It is not cool to shoot snot rockets.

27. We are beautiful at all times.

28. We will always think we are fat, so humor us and tell us we aren't.

29. You can shoot hoops, score a goal, knock down big fat guys, and hit a little baseball with a stick, so why the hellcan't you piss in the toilet and not on it.

30. Most importantly: we are always right; so don't forget it.
 

A college English professor wrote the following sentence on the chalk board and told the students to puctuate it correctly: 'woman without her man is savage'

The men in the class wrote: Woman, without her man, is savage.

The women wrote: Woman: without her, man is savage.
 

Eleven people were hanging onto a rope dangling from a building's light pole.

Ten were men and one woman.

They all decided that one should give up their life and let go or the pole would break and they would all die.

No one could figure who would have to let go.

Finally the woman started giving a long speech on how she would give her life for them, since woman always sacrifice themselves for their husbands and children, when she was done all the men started clapping.

.......never underestimate the power of a woman...

Q: How can you tell a woman with PMS from a woman without PMS?

A: Beats the hell out of me
 

Ways to Know if You Have PMS

Everyone around you has an attitude problem.

You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet.

The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.

Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.

You're using your cellular phone to dial up every bumpersticker
that says, "How's my driving? Call 1-800-***-****."

Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.

You're convinced there's a God and he's male.

You're counting down the days until menopause.

You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.

The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.
 

WOMEN'S T-SHIRT SAYINGS

Guys have feelings too. But who cares?

Next mood swing: 6 minutes.

I hate everybody, and you're next.

Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it.

Remember my name - you'll be screaming it later.

Don't worry. It'll only seem kinky the first time...

I'm multi-talented: I can talk and piss you off at the same time.

Do NOT start with me. You will NOT win.

All stressed out and no one to choke.

I'm one of those bad things that happen to good people.

 

The difference between bathing suits then and now:

•Bathing suits from the past: required that you open the suit to see the butt.

•Bathing suits of today: require that you open the butt to see the suit.
 

Q. Why do women pay more attention to their appearance than to improving their minds?

A. Because . . . A lot of men are stupid, but very few are blind.
 

Two elderly ladies meet at the laundry mat after not seeing one another for some time.

After inquiring about each other's health one asked how the other's husband was doing.

"Oh! Ted died last week. He went out to the garden to dig up a cabbage for dinner, had a heart attack and dropped down dead right there in the middle of the vegetable patch!"

"Oh dear! I'm very sorry." replied her friend "What did you do?"

"Opened a can of peas instead.
 

I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver cut right in front of a pickup truck causing him to have to drive on to the shoulder to avoid hitting her. This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out his window and flipped the woman off.
   
"Man, that guy is stupid" I thought to myself. I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic and here's why: I drive 48 miles each way every day to work, that's 96 miles each day. Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper. Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway so if you just look at the 7 lanes I am not in, that means I pass something like a new car every 40 feet per lane. That's 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles. That works out to be 982 cars every mile, or  31,424 cars. Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper to bumper, I figure I pass at least another 4000 cars. That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars I pass every day.
   
Statistically, half of these are driven by females, that's 18,000. In any given group of females, 1 in 28 has PMS. That's 642. According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding. That's 449.
   
According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide. That's 98. And 34% describe men as their biggest problem. That's 33.
   
According to the National Rifle Association 5% of all females carry weapons and this number is increasing.
   
That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that has a
lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, has PMS, and is armed.
   
Flip one off?....... I think not
 

Two women were walking around somewhere in Nevada on a blisteringly-hot sunny day. They were looking for a way to cool off a little.

They passed a prostitute eating watermelon on the porch of a whorehouse without any panties on, so they asked her if she was any cooler by not wearing any panties.

The pantyless hooker replied, "Well I don't know if I am any cooler but it sure does keep the flies off my watermelon!"
 

A man wanted to go on holiday in Ibiza because he had heard it was the best place in the world to have unsafe sex.

On his first night, he picks up a prostitute and after finishing his business pays her for a job well done.

As he drives off, he shouts to her, ''El dollar, counterfeito!''

The lady smiles and points to him, shouting, ''El sifillis, originale!''
 

Q: What's the first thing a woman does when she gets out of the battered wives' shelter?

A: The dishes if she knows what's good for her.
 

To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of them gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became emotional, and couldn't drive.

No further testing is planned.
 

Why don't women fart as much as men?

They can't shut their mouth long enough to build up the pressure.

******

What's the difference between a woman and a computer?

You only have to punch the information into a computer once.

******

The best way to stop the noise in your car is to let her drive.

******

Never try to guess your wife's size when buying her clothes.

Just buy her anything marked "petite," and keep the receipt

******
My ex-wife is an excellent laxative.

If the sight of her doesn't make you crap yourself, she'll irritate the shit out of you in a couple of hours.
 

Have you heard about the latest bra for middle-aged women?

It's called a Sheep Dog. It rounds them up and points them in the right direction.

******

What do women and cow pats have in common?

The older they get, the easier they are to pick up.

******

What's the difference between a woman and a volcano?

A volcano doesn't fake eruptions.
******

What's the difference between a dog scratching the door and a woman scratching the door?

When you let the dog in, it will stop whining.
 

What do you call a woman who can suck an orange through a hose pipe?

Darling!

******

What's the definition of Making Love?

It's what a woman does while a man's screwing her.

******

What's the difference between a woman with her period and a terrorist?

You can negotiate with a terrorist.

******

A woman's best friend are her legs, but even best friends must part.

******

What's the difference between a woman and a washing machine?

A washing machine doesn't ring you up constantly after you've left a load in it.
 

Why did God make Adam first?

So he could get a word in edgeways!

******

What should you do if your washing machine breaks down?

Slap her!!!

******
An intelligent man, an intelligent woman and father Christmas are in a lift, there's a fiver on the floor, who picks it up?

The intelligent man because the other two are fictional.
 

Why does a bride wear white?

It is good to have the dishwasher and the refrigerator match.

******

Why couldn't Helen Keller Drive?

She was a Woman.

******

How many chauvinists does it take to change a light bulb

None. Let the cow cook in the dark.

******

How many women does it take to change a light bulb?

None, the men will do it.
 

What is the difference between a Golf Ball and a Woman's G-Spot?

A Man will spend more than two minutes looking for his Golf Ball.

******

At a four-way intersection theres the perfect man, the Easter bunny, Santa Claus, and the Tooth Fairy, who goes goes first?

Nobody, none of them exist!

******

Why do men whistle while on the Toilet?

So they know which end to wipe.

******

How many workmen does it take to change a lightbulb?

Four...one to do the work and the other three to watch him!

******

How are men like parking spaces?

All the good ones are taken and the ones left are handicap.

******

What do you call a man with half a brain?

GIFTED!

*******

Women have many faults, however men have only two.

Everything they say and every thing they do.

******

Why can't little girls fart?

They don't have an asshole until they get married.

******

"Sam, what does that 'L' mean on your car?"

"It means that I am learning!"

"Oh, so does that 'GB' mean that you are getting better?"

******

Why did God create women after he had created men?

Because you always make a rough draft before a masterpiece.

******

One day, god created man. Then he stopped and thought "I can do better than that!" and then he created woman.

******

What's the difference between a 90's woman and a computer?

A 90's woman won't accept a three and half inch floppy.

******

Have you heard about the latest contraception for men?

You put it in your shoe and it makes you limp.

******

Adam came first. But then, men always do.

******

What can you say to a man who has just had sex?

Anything you like he will be asleep.

******

What's the mans idea of helping to make the bed?

Getting out of it.

******

Why do most men prefer women with big tits and tight twats?

Because most men have big mouths and small dicks.

******

Why do men cum so quickly?

So they can rush down to the pub and tell their mates.

******

How do men sort their clothes?

Into two piles, filthy, and filthy but wearable.

******

What is the thinnest book in the world?

What men know about women.

******

What's the definition of a bachelor pad?

A flat where the plants are all dead but there's something growing in the fridge.

******

Men are like toilets.

They're either vacant, engaged or full of crap.

 

OK gals it's time for some men put downs.

What do you call a handcuffed man?
Trustworthy.

Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven?
Because if they all went, it would be Hell.

Why do men like smart women?
Opposites attract.

How do men define a "50/50" relationship?
We cook - they eat. We clean - they dirty. We iron - they wrinkle.

How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male?
All he's concerned with is legs, breasts and thighs.

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
ONE, He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.

What did God say after creating man?
I can do so much better.

What do you call a man with half a brain?
Gifted.

What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift to women?
Exchange him.

What should you give a man who has everything?
A woman to show him how to work it.

What's a man's idea of honesty in a relationship?
Telling you his real name.

What's the best way to force a man to do sit ups?
Put the remote control between his toes.

What's the difference between Big Foot and an intelligent man?
Big Foot's been spotted several times.

What's the smartest thing a man can say?
"My wife says..."

Why are all dumb blonde jokes one liners?
So men can understand them.

Why did God create man before woman?
Because you're always supposed to have a rough draft before creating your masterpiece.

Why do female black widow spiders kill the males after mating?
To stop the snoring before it starts.

Why do jocks play on artificial turf?
To keep them from grazing.

Why do men need instant replay on TV sports?
Because after 30 seconds they forget what happened.

Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for men than for women?
When it's time to go back to his childhood, he's already there.
 

Hazardous materials information bulletin - please read!!

Materials safety data sheet
Element: Woman
Chemical symbol: Wo
Discoverer: Adamov Eden
Atomic mass: Accepted as 53.659Kg but known to vary from 40 to 200kg
Occurrences: Copious quantities in urban areas

Physical properties
· Surfaces usually covered in painted film
· Boils at nothing, known to freeze without known reason
· Melts if given special treatment
· Bitter if incorrectly used
· Found in various states ranging from virgin metal to common 'ore'
· Yields if pressure applied in correct places

Chemical properties
· Has great affinity for gold, silver and a range of precious stones
· Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances
· May explode spontaneously, without prior warning for no known reason
· Insoluble in liquids but activity increases greatly if saturated in alcohol
· Most powerful money reducing agent known to man

Common uses
· Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars
· Can be great aid to relaxation
· Very effective cleaning agent

Tests
· Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered in the natural state
· Turns green when placed near a better specimen

Hazards
· Highly dangerous except in experienced hands
· Illegal to possess more than one sample, although several can be maintained at different locations as long as specimens do not come into direct contact with one another, if they do, evacuate the room IMMEDIATELY and preferably do not return to the location of exposure for about 10 years !
· Highly volatile if exchanged for a newer
 

Training courses now available for women.

1. Silence, the Final frontier: Where no woman has gone before.

2. The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits

3. Combating the Imelda Marcos Syndrome: You do not need new shoes every'day.

4. Parties: Going without new outfits

5. Man Management: Discover how minor household chores can wait until after'the game.

6. Bathroom Etiquette I: Men need space in the bathroom cabinet too.

7. Bathroom Etiquette II: His razor is His.

8. Valuation: Just because it's not important to you...

9. Communication Skills I: Tears - The last resort, not the first

10. Communication Skills II: Thinking before speaking

11. Communications Skills III: Getting what you want, without nagging

12. Driving a car safely; A skill you can acquire

13. Party Etiquette: Drinking your fair share

14. Telephone Skills: How to hang up

15. Introduction to parking

16. Advanced parking: Reversing into a space

17. Overcoming anal retentive behaviour: Leaving the towels on the floor

18. Water retention: fact or fat?

19. Cooking I: Bringing back bacon, eggs & butter

20. Cooking II: Bran & Tofu aren't for human consumption

21. Cooking III: How not to inflict your diets on other people

22. Compliments; Accepting them gracefully

23. PMT; Your problem...Not his

24. Dancing; Why men don't want to
25. Sex; It's for married couples too

26. Classic Clothing: Wearing outfits you already have

27. Household Dust: A harmless natural occurrence only women notice

28. Integrating Your Laundry: Washing it all together

29. Ballet: for women only

30. Oil & Petrol: Your car needs both

31. Learning to go in public toilets

32. Appreciating the humour of the three stooges

33. "Do these jeans make my ass look big?" - Why men lie

34. TV Remotes:" For men only."
 

The Ladies at Lunch

Jill: I got a puppy over the weekend.

Mary: A pet! Good for you! Are you having any problems with him?

Jill: Well, maybe just one. I may have given him the wrong name.

Mary: What do you mean?

Jill: Well, I named him Jack, and Saturday night when my date was sitting in the living room, the dog got up on the sofa. I'm trying to teach him not to do that.

Jill: So in front of my date, I yelled, "Jack! Off!"
 

An intelligent man, an intelligent woman and father Christmas are in a lift, there's a fiver on the floor, who picks it up?

The intelligent man because the other two are fictional.

******

What do you call a woman who can suck an orange through a hose pipe?

Darling!
 

Men and Women

God made men and women to complement each other with the unique traits each were given:

WOMEN

Women have strengths that amaze men.  They carry children, they carry hardships, they carry burdens, but they hold happiness, love and joy. They smile when they want to scream.  They sing when they want to cry. They cry when they are happy, and laugh when they are nervous.

Women wait by the phone for a "safe at home call" from a friend, after a snowy drive home.

They are child care workers, executives, attorneys, stay-at-home moms, biker babes, and your neighbors.  They wear suits, jeans, and they wear uniforms.

They fight for what they believe in.  They stand up against injustice.

They walk and talk the extra mile to get their kids into the right schools and to get their family the right health care.

They go to the doctor with a frightened friend.

Women are honest, loyal, and forgiving.  They are smart -- they know that knowledge is power.

But they still know how to use their softer side to make a point. Women want to be the best for their family, their friends, and themselves.

Their hearts break when a friend dies.  They have sorrow at the loss of a family member, yet they are strong when they think there is no strength left.

A woman can make a romantic evening unforgettable!

Women come in all sizes, in all colors and shapes.  They live in houses, apartments and cabins.  They drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you to show how much they care about you.

The heart of a woman is what makes the world spin!

Women do more than just give birth.  They bring joy and hope. They give compassion and ideals.  They give moral support to their family and friends.  And all they want in return is a hug, a smile, and for you to do the same for people you come in contact with.

MEN

Men are good at lifting heavy shit.
 

An elderly Mr. Johnson and the widow Joyce Smith were sitting in the lobby of a retirement home.

Mr. Johnson, a widower himself, says to Joyce, "For five dollars, I'll have sex with you on that rocking chair over there. For ten dollars, I'll have sex with you on that couch. But for twenty dollars, I'll take you to my room, light a few candles and give you a romantic evening of passion you'll never forget."

Joyce considers this for a moment and then, after digging through her purse, produces a twenty dollar bill.

Mr. Johnson says, "So, you want the romantic night in my room, eh?"…

Joyce says, "No, I want four times in the rocker."
 

Things Not to Say to Women

Here are some things better left unsaid when you are arguing with your wife/girlfriend.

Don't you have some laundry to do or something?

Oh, you are so cute when you get all pissed off.

You're just upset because your butt is beginning to spread.

Wait a minute - I get it. What time of the month is it?

Shouldn't you consult the great Oprah on this one?

Sorry. I was just picturing you naked.

Whoa, time out. Football is on.

Looks like someone had an extra bowl of B#%$@! flakes this morning!

Is there any way we can do this via e-mail?

Who are you kidding? We both know that thing ain't loaded.
 

WOMEN'S T-SHIRT SAYINGS

Guys have feelings too. But who cares?

Next mood swing: 6 minutes.

I hate everybody, and you're next.

Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it.

Remember my name - you'll be screaming it later.

Don't worry. It'll only seem kinky the first time...

I'm multi-talented: I can talk and piss you off at the same time.

Do NOT start with me. You will NOT win.

All stressed out and no one to choke.

I'm one of those bad things that happen to good people.
 

The following letter was forwarded by someone who teaches at a junior high school in Memphis, Tennessee; the letter was sent to the principal's office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for the elderly. This story is a credit to all human kind. Read
it, soak it in, and bask in the warm feeling that it leaves you with.

Dear Reyer School:

God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizen's luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the county home for the aged. All my people are gone. It's nice to know that someone thinks of me. God bless you for your kindness to an old forgotten lady.

My roommate is 95 and always had her own radio, but would never let me listen to it. The other day her radio fell and broke into a lot of pieces. It was awful and she was in tears. She asked if she could listen to mine, and I said fuck you.

Sincerely,

Edna Johnston
 

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.

"Women might be able to fake orgasms.
But men can fake whole relationships."
 

I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver cut right in front of a pickup truck causing him to have to drive on to the shoulder toavoid hitting her. This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out his window and flipped the woman off.

"Man, that guy is stupid" I thought to myself. I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic and here's why: I drive 48 miles each way every day to work, that's 9 miles each day. Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper. Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway so if you just look at the 7 lanes I am not in, that means I pass something like a new car every 40 feet per lane. That's 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles. That works out to be 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars. Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper to bumper, I figure I pass at least another 4000 cars. That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars I pass every day.

Statistically, half of these are driven by females, that's 18,000. In any given group of females, 1 in 28 has PMS. That's 642. According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding. That's 449.

According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all females have
seriously considered suicide or homicide. That's 98.

And 34% describe men as their biggest problem. That's 33.

According to the National Rifle Association 5% of all females carry weapons and this number is increasing.

That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem,
has seriously considered suicide or homicide, has PMS, and is armed.

Flip one off?....... I think not
 

True To Life Facts About Women:

"Oh, nothing," has an entirely different meaning in woman language than it does in man language.

Women can get out of speeding tickets by pouting. This will get men arrested.

Only women understand the reason for "guest towels" and the "good china".

Women’s favorite toy is the word “no”

Women cannot use a map without turning the map to correspond to the direction that they are heading. Women never check to see if the lid is up. They seem to prefer taking a flying butt leap towards the bowl and then chewing men out because they "left the seat up" instead of taking two seconds and lowering it themselves.

The most embarrassing thing for women is to find another woman wearing the same dress at a formal party. You don't hear men say, "Oh-my-GOD, there's another man wearing a black tux, get me outta here!"

Origin of the word "woman" is: woo-man.
 

Mary: My last boyfriend said he fantasized about having two girls at once.

Jill: Yeah, most men do. What did you tell him?

Mary: I said, "If you can't satisfy one woman, why would you want to piss off another one?"
 

Organizers of the first “National Orgasm Week” held this year were very disappointed with the results obtained.

It seems at least three quarters of the women polled just pretended to celebrate it. "D
 

If Men Wrote Cosmopolitan

Q: My husband wants to experience three-in-a-bed-sex with me and my sister.

A: Your husband is clearly devoted to you. He cannot get enough of you,so he goes for the next best thing your sister. Far from being an issue,this will bring all of the family together. Why not get some cousins involved? If you are still apprehensive, then let him go with your relatives, buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his behaviour.

Q: My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex with him.

A: Do it. Sperm is not only great tasting, but has only 10 calories a spoonful. It is nutritious and helps you to keep your figure and gives a great glow to the skin. Interestingly, a man knows this. His offer to you to perform oral sex with him is totally selfless. Oral sex is extremely painful for a man. This shows he loves you. Best thing to do is to thank him, buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal.

Q: My husband has too many nights out with the boys.

A: This is perfectly natural behaviour - and it should be encouraged. The man is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess with other men. Far from being pleasurable, a night out with the boys is a stressful affair, and to get back to you is a relief for your partner. Just look back at how emotional and happy the man is when he returns to his stable home. Best thing to do is to buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his behaviour.

Q: My husband doesn't know where my clitoris is.

A: Your clitoris is of no concern to your husband. If you must mess with it, do it in your own time. To help with the family budget you may wish to video tape yourself while doing this, and to sell it at flea markets. To ease your selfish guilt, buy your man a nice expensive present, and cook him a delicious meal.

Q: My husband is uninterested in foreplay.

A: Foreplay to a man is very hurtful. What it means is that you do not love your man as much as you should - he has to work a lot to get you in the mood. Abandon all wishes in this area, and make it up to him by buying a nice expensive present, and cooking a nice meal.

Q: My husband has never given me an orgasm.

A: The female orgasm is a myth. It is fostered by militant, man-hating feminists and is a danger to the family unit. Don't mention it again to him and show your love to him by buying a nice expensive present and don't forget to cook him a delicious meal.

Q: How do I know if I'm ready for sex?

A: Ask your boyfriend. He'll know when the time is right. When it comes to love and sex, men are much more responsible, since they're not confused emotionally as women. It's a proven fact.

Q: Should I have sex on the first date?

A: YES. Before if possible.

Q: What exactly happens during the act of sex?

A: Again, this is entirely up to the man. The important thing to remember is that you must do whatever he tells you without question. Sometimes,however, he may ask you to do certain things that may at first seem strange to you. Do them anyway.

Q: How long should the sex act last?

A: There is no average time, but anything over two minutes is good. Anything under that and you may be rushing your man. After your man has finished making love, he'll have a natural desire to leave you suddenly, and go out with his friends to play golf. Or perhaps another activity, such as going out with his friends to the bar for the purpose of consuming large amounts of alcohol and sharing a few personal thoughts with his buddies. Don't feel left out-while he's gone you can busy yourself by doing his laundry, cleaning his apartment, or perhaps even going out to buy him an expensive gift. He'll come back when he's ready.

Q: What is "afterplay?"

A: After a man has finished making love, he needs to replenish his manly energy. "Afterplay" is simply a list of important activities for you to do after the lovemaking. This includes lighting his cigarette, making him a sandwich or pizza, bringing him a few beers, or leaving him alone to sleep while you go out and buy him an expensive gift.

Q: Does the size of the penis matter?

A: Yes. Although many women believe that quality, not quantity, is important, studies show this is simply not true. The average erect male penis measures about 3 inches. Anything longer than that is extremely rare and, if by some chance your lover's sexual organ is 4 inches or over,you should go down on your knees and thank you lucky stars and do everything possible to please him, such as doing his laundry, cleaning his apartment and buying him an expensive gift - and don't forget to cook him an absolutely fabulous meal.
 

DICTIONARY FOR WOMEN

Argument (ar*gyou*ment) n.
A discussion that occurs when you're right, but he hasn't realized it yet.

Airhead (er*hed) n.
What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman.

Bar-be-que (bar*bi*q) n
You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything up, but, he "made the dinner."

Blonde jokes (blond joks) n.
Jokes that are short so men can understand them.

Cantaloupe (kant*e*lope) n
Gotta get married in a church.

Clothes dryer (kloze dri*yer) n.
An appliance designed to eat socks.

Diet Soda (dy*it so*da) n.
A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half pound bag of peanut M&Ms.

Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee) n.
The last two minutes of a football game.

Exercise (ex*er*siz) v
To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase.

Grocery List (grow*ser*ee list) n.
What you spend ½ an hour writing, then forget to take to the store.

Hair Dresser (hare dres*er) n.
Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to duplicate again. See "Magician."

Hardware Store (hard*war stor) n
Similar to a black hole in space -- if he goes in, he isn't coming out anytime soon.

Childbirth (child*brth) n.
You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say "focus,...breathe...push..."

Lipstick (lip*stik) n
On your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On his collar, coloring only a tramp would wear...!

Park (park) v./n.
Before children, a verb meaning, "to go somewhere and neck." After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide.

Patience (pa*shens) n.
The most important ingredient for dating, marriage and children. See also "tranquilizers."

Waterproof Mascara (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah) n.
Comes off if you cry, shower, or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it.

Valentine's Day (val*en*tinez dae) n
A day when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds, and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card.
 

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. She is not a BABE or a CHICK - She is a BREASTED AMERICAN.

2. She is not a SCREAMER or MOANER - She is VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE.

3. She is not EASY - She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.

4. She is not DUMB - She took a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.

5. She has not BEEN AROUND - She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.

6. She is not an AIRHEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED.

7. She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.

8. She is not HORNY - She is SEXUALLY FOCUSED.

9. She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS - She is MEDICALLY ENHANCED.

10. She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE.

11. She is not a SLUT - She is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.

12. She does not have MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS - She is PECTORALLY SUPERIOR.

13. She is not a TWO BIT WHORE - She is a LOW COST PROVIDER.

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. He does not have a BEER GUT - He has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE
FACILITY.

2. He is not a BAD DANCER - He is OVERLY CAUCASIAN.

3. He does not GET LOST ALL THE TIME - He INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE
DESTINATIONS.

4. He is not BALDING - He is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.

5. He is not a CRADLE ROBBER - He prefers GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL
RELATIONSHIPS.

6. He does not get FALLING-DOWN DRUNK - He becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL

7. He does not have his HEAD UP HIS ASS - He develops a case of
RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.
 

The age of Woman

Between the ages of 15 - 18 a woman is like China or Iran.
Developing at a sizzling rate with a lot of potential but as yet still not free or open.

Between the ages of 18 - 21 a woman is like Africa or Australia.
She is half discovered, half wild and naturally beautiful with bush land around the fertile deltas.

Between the ages of 21 - 30 a woman is like America or Japan.
Completely discovered, very well developed and open to trade especially with countries with cash or cars.

Between the ages of 30 - 35, she is like India or Spain.
Very hot, relaxed and convinced of its own beauty.

Between the ages of 35 - 40 a woman is like France or Argentina.
She may have been half destroyed during the war but can still be a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between the ages of 40 - 50 she is like Yugoslavia or Iraq.
She lost the war and is haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary.

Between the ages of 50 - 60 she is like Russia or Canada.
Very wide, quiet and the borders are practically unpatrolled but the frigid climate keeps people away.

Between the ages of 60 - 70 a woman is like England or Mongolia.
A glorious and all conquering past but alas no future.

After 70, they become Afghanistan or Pakistan.
Everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.
 

Some Information

Sticks and stones
May break my bones
But whips and chains
Excite me

I like your style
I like you class
But most of all
I like you ass

Guys are like roses
Watch out for the pricks

You can prick you finger
Just don't finger you prick

Sex is evil
Evil is sin
Sin is forgiven
So put it in

Twatt's twatt
And that's that

Eat me
Beat me
Bite me
Blow me
Suck me
Fuck me
Very slowly
If you kiss me
don't be sassy
Use you tongue
and make it nasty

Mental anxiety
Mental break downs
Menstral cramps
Menopause
Did you ever notice how all women's problems begin with
MEN?!?!?!?!
 

Many women are afraid of their first mammogram, but there is no need to worry.

By taking a few minutes each day for the week preceding the exam and doing the following practice exercises, you will be totally prepared. And best of all, you can do these simple practice exercises right in the privacy of your own home.

Exercise #1: Freeze two metal bookends overnight. Strip to the waist. Invite a stranger into the room. Press the bookends against one of your breasts. Smash the bookends together as hard as you can.

Repeat with the other breast. Set an appointment with the stranger to meet next year and do it again.

Exercise #2 Open your refrigerator door and insert one breast between the door and the main box.

Have one of your strongest friends slam the door shut as hard as possible and lean on the door for good measure.

Hold that position for five seconds. Do this again in case the last time wasn't effective enough. Then repeat with the other breast.

Exercise #3 Visit your garage at 3 a.m. when the temperature of the concrete floor is just perfect.

Take off all your warm clothes and lay comfortably on the floor with one breast wedged under the rear tire of the car. Ask a friend to slowly back the car up until the breast is sufficiently flattened and chilled.

Turn over and repeat for the other breast.

CONGRATULATIONS! Now you are properly prepared for your mammogram.
 

Here's a really heart-warming story of the advances of women in achieving equality throughout the world.....

Barbara Walters did a story on gender roles in Kuwait several years before the Gulf War. She noted then that?women customarily walked about nine feet behind their husbands. She returned to Kuwait recently and observed that themen now walked many yards behind their wives.

Ms. Walters approached one of the women and said, "This is marvelous.Can you tell the free world just what let women here achieve this reversal of roles?"

"Land mines," said the Kuwaiti woman.

A young Bulgarian peasant girl of fourteen went to work in a broom factory. After two months, she gave the boss two-weeks notice. The boss was quite unhappy to let her go since she was hardworking and doing a good job.

He called her into his office, and asked her why she was leaving.

"Oh, it is nothink, I just want to kvit that's all," she said sullenly.

"Look, I'll give you a raise," he offered.

"No, but thank you," she said.

"You can't just quit like that. There must be a reason. Tell me."

"Okay if you must know," said the girl, and she took off her underwear and pointed to her pubic hair, "Look! I haven't had this before, it's the broom's bristles, I tell you!"
Tickled by her innocence, the boss also took off his underwear and showed his, explaining, "My dear, it's nature. Look I have it too...."

"Oh no!" the girl cried, "I can't wait two weeks, I quit now! Not only do you have the bristles, but you've grown the handle as well!"
 

THE DAFFODIL PRINCIPLE - A Feel good story

Several times my daughter had telephoned to say, "Mother, you must come see the daffodils before they are over." I wanted to go, but it was a two-hour drive from Laguna to Lake Arrowhead. "I will come next Tuesday," I promised a little reluctantly, on her third call. Next Tuesday dawned cold and rainy. Still, I had promised, and so I drove there. When I finally walked into Carolyn's house and hugged and greeted my grandchildren, I said, "Forget the daffodils, Carolyn! The road is invisible in the clouds and fog, and there is nothing in the world except you and these children that I want to see bad enough to drive another inch!"

My daughter smiled calmly and said, "We drive in this all the time, Mother." Well, you won't get me back on the road until it clears, and then I' heading for home," I assured her. "I was hoping you'd take me over to the garage to pick up my car." "How far will we have to drive?" "Just a few blocks," Carolyn said. "I'll drive. I'm used to this." After several minutes, I had to ask, "Where are we going? This isn't the way to the garage!" "We're going to my garage the long way," Carolyn smiled, "by way of the daffodils." "Carolyn," I said sternly, "please turn around."

"It's all right, Mother, I promise. You will never forgive yourself if you miss this experience."

After about twenty minutes, we turned onto a small gravel road and I saw a small church. On the far side of the church, I saw a hand-lettered sign that read, "Daffodil Garden." We got out of the car and each took a child's hand, and I followed Carolyn down the path. Then, we turned a corner of the path, and I looked up and gasped. Before me lay the most glorious sight. It looked as though someone had taken a great vat of gold and poured it down over the mountain peak and slopes. The flowers were planted in majestic, swirling patterns-great ribbons and swaths of deep orange, white, lemon yellow, salmon pink, saffron, and butter yellow. Each different-colored variety was planted as a group so that it swirled and flowed like its own river with
its own unique hue. There were five acres of flowers. "But who has done this?" I asked Carolyn.

"It's just one woman," Carolyn answered. "She lives on the property. That's her home." Carolyn pointed to a well kept A frame house that looked small and modest in the midst of all that glory. We walked up to the house. On the patio, we saw a poster. "Answers to the Question I Know You Are Asking" was the headline. The first answer was a simple one. "50,000 bulbs," it read. The secon answer was, "One at a time, by one woman. Two hands, two feet, and very little brain." The third answer was, "Began in 1958." There it was, The Daffodil Principle. For me, that moment was a life-changing experience.

I thought of this woman whom I had never met, who, more than forty years before, had begun-one bulb at a time-to bring her vision of beauty and joy to an obscure mountain top. Still, just planting one bulb at a time, year after year, had changed the world. This unknown woman had forever changed the world in which she lived. She had created something of ineffable (indescribable) magnificence, beauty, and inspiration. The principle her daffodil garden taught is one of the greatest principles
of celebration. That is, learning to move toward our goals and desires one step at a time-often just one baby-step at a time-and learning to love the doing, learning to use the accumulation of time. When we multiply tiny pieces of time with small increments of daily effort,we too will find we can accomplish magnificent things. We can change the world. "It makes me sad in a way," I admitted to Carolyn. "What might I have accomplished if I had thought of a wonderful goal thirty-five or forty
years ago and had worked away at it 'one bulb at a time' through all those
years. Just think what I might have been able to achieve!" My daughter summed up the message of the day in her usual direct way.

"Start tomorrow," she said.

It's so pointless to think of the lost hours of yesterdays. The way to make learning a lesson of celebration instead of a cause for regret is to only ask, "How can I put this to use today?"

Author Unknown
 

A woman went to her doctor for a follow-up visit after the doctor had prescribed testosterone (a male hormone) for her.

She was a little worried about some of the side effects she was experiencing.

''Doctor, the hormones you've been giving me have really helped, but I'm afraid that you're giving me too much. I've started growing hair in places that I've never grown hair before.''

The doctor reassured her, ''A little hair growth is a perfectly normal side effect of testosterone. Just where has this hair appeared?''

''On my testicles, which is something else I want to talk to you about...,'' replied the lady.
 

Every "Hormone Hostage" knows that there are days in the month when all

a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his hands.

This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend or significant other.

DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?

DANGEROUS: Are you wearing THAT?
SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown.
SAFEST: Wow! Look at you!

DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
SAFER: Could we be overreacting?
SAFEST: Here's fifty dollars.

DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?

DANGEROUS: What did you DO all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn't overdo it today.
SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe.

PMS
TOP 14 THINGS PMS STANDS FOR
Pass My Shotgun
Psychotic Mood Shift
Perpetual Munching Spree
Puffy Midsection
People Make Me Sick
Provide Me with Sweets
Pardon My Sobbing
Pimples May Surface
Pass My Sweatpants
Pissy Mood Syndrome
Plainly; Men Suck
Pack My Stuff
Permanent Menstrual Syndrome

Q: How many women with PMS does it take to change a light bulb?

A: One. Only ONE!! And do you know WHY? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb! They don't even know that the bulb is BURNED OUT! They would sit in the dark for THREE DAYS before theyfigured it out. And, they figured it out, they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that they have been jn the same cabinet for the past 17 YEARS! But if they did, by some miracle, actually find them 2 DAYS LATER, the chair they dragged to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE WRAPPER THE STUPID @*!#$% LIGHT BULBS CAME IN! WHY? BECAUSE NO-ONE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE 12' DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE.THE HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS #@*$!#@!... HOUSE!

I'm sorry...what did you ask me?

 

1. How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.

2. Why is a Laundrette a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably
never be able to support you.

3. Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand
closer to the kitchen sink.

4. How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me . . "

5. How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

6. Why do men fart more than women? Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.

7. If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at
the front door, whom do you let in first? The dog of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

8. What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig? A woman that won't do what she's told.

9. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was "Always."

10. I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months: I don't like to
interrupt her.

11. What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence?
Divorced.

12. Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex
drive by 90%. It is called Wedding Cake.

13. Marriage is a 3-ring circus:
Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring, Suffering.

14. Our last fight was my fault: My wife asked me "What's on the TV?"
I said, "Dust!"

15. Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.

16. Young Son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a
man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
Dad: That happens in every country, son.

17. A man inserted an advertisement in the classified: "Wife Wanted."
The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same
thing:
"You can have mine."

18. The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to
forget it once.

19. Why do married men gain weight while bachelors don't?
Bachelors go to the refrigerator, see nothing they want, and then go to
bed.
Married guys go to the bed, see nothing they want, and then go to the
refrigerator.
 

A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?"

God said, "No,you have another 40 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a facelift, liposuction, and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair color. Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 40 years" Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?"

God replied, "I didn't recognize you."
 

There were 11 people hanging onto a rope that came down from a helicopter. Ten were men and one woman. They all decided that one person should get off because if they didn't the rope would break and everyone would die. No one could decide who should go so finally the woman gave a real touching speech saying how she would give up her life to save the others, because women were used to giving up things for their husbands and children, giving in to men, and not receiving anything in return. When she finished speaking, all the men clapped.

Never underestimate the power of a woman.

 

"Ninety percent of women say that a man's looks aren't important.

So if she can't stand you, you know it's your lousy personality."

 

Jill had been divorced for a few years and, very lonely, finally consented to going out on a date with John, the gentleman her son fixed her up with.

John picked her up and they went on a picnic in a very secluded spot.

John also had been divorced for a long time and found himself very attracted to Jill, and despite her resistance at first to his advances, he finally was able to make love to her.

Jill was mortified at her lack of self-control and sobbed, "I don't know how I can face my son, knowing that in a time of weakness I sinned twice!"

John said, "What do you mean 'twice'? We only did it once!"

Jill looked at John and said, "Well, you're going to do it again, aren't you?"

 

Why is a Laundromat a bad place to pick up a woman?

Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will never be able to support you.
 

Bad Girls vs Good Girls

Good girls loosen a few buttons when it's hot.
Bad girls make it hot by loosening a few buttons.

Good girls only own one credit card and rarely use it.
Bad girls only own one bra and rarely use it.

Good girls wax their floors.
Bad girls wax their bikini lines.

Good girls blush during love scenes in a movie.
Bad girls know they could do it better.

Good girls think they're not fully dressed without a strand of pearls.
Bad girls think they're fully dressed with just a strand of pearls.

Good girls wear high heels to work.
Bad girls wear high heels to bed.

Good girls say, ''Don't... Stop...''
Bad girls say, ''Don't Stop...''

Benefits of Being Female

*We got off the Titanic first.

* We can scare male bosses with mysterious gynecological disorder excuses.

* When we buy a vibrator, it's sexy. When men buy a blow-up doll, it's pathetic.

* Our boyfriends' clothes look elfin and gorgeous on us -- guys look like complete idiots in ours.

* We can be groupies.

* Male groupies are stalkers.

* We've never lusted after a cartoon character or the central figure in a computer game.

* Taxis stop for us.

* Men die sooner, so we get to cash in on the life insurance.

* We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.

* Free drinks.

* Free dinners.

* We can hug our friends without wondering if they think we're gay.

* We can hug our friends without wondering if we're gay.

* We know the truth about whether size matters.

* New lipstick gives us a whole new lease on life.

* Condoms make no significant difference in our enjoyment of sex.

* It's possible to live our whole lives without ever taking a group shower.

* No fashion faux pas we make could rival the Speedo.

* We don't fart to amuse ourselves.

* If we forget to shave, no one has to know.

* We can congratulate our teammate without ever touching her ass.

* If we have a zit, we know how to conceal it.

* We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.

* We have the ability to dress ourselves.

* We don't have to memorize Caddyshack or Fletch to fit in.

* We have an excuse to be totally cranky at least once a month.

* We can talk to people of the opposite sex without automatically picturing them naked.

* If we marry someone 20 years younger, we're aware that we look like an idiot.

* Our friends won't think we're weird if we ask whether there's spinach in our teeth.

* There are times when chocolate really can solve all our problems.

* Gay waiters don't make us uncomfortable.

* We'll never regret piercing our ears.

* We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.

* We'll never discover we've been duped by a Wonderbra.
 

15 Mistakes Women Make When Having Sex

1. BEING PASSIVE.

Don't let him undress you and himself. Just help him a little bit: like making the first step. Just because we are men it doesn't mean that we must do all the job.

2. WEARING JEANS OR TIGHT PANTS.

It takes time to take off these kind of clothes. Every second counts. Remember one thing: the more time you got, the more rounds you got, and the more rounds you got the more satisfied you get.

3. GOING DOWN HALFWAY.

Once you start going down, don't stop at the belly button, keep going or just don't go past the neck at all.

4. CHOCKING HIS CHICKEN.

Men feel pain, we are not as tough as you think. No man has a leather dick. You got to be smooth with the dick. Pulling it too hard doesn't make us feel horny, it hurts even though we don't tell you.

5. LICKING HIS EAR TOO MUCH.

It's just the same as a dog licking a bitches ass.

6. MOANING LIKE A RUNNER THAT NEEDS AIR.

Better moan with style girls cause men love to make fun of girls who can't moan like movie stars. Try not too make much noise when you exhale.

7. SCRATCHING HIS BACK.

We don't need no autographs, girls. It does not feel good at all. Depend on the length of nail and how deep you dig them in our backs so keep your nails in you pockets please. If you feel the need to scratch a boys back, either grip the hell out of the
sheets or the headboard.

8. LETTING YOUR HAIR FALL IN HIS FACE.

Men need air, they breath.

9. JUMPING ON HIPS TO HARD.

A man is not a horse so please take it easy unless you got a big booty to take care of the landing.

10. SCREAMING TOO LOUD WHEN YOU CUM.

Are you crazy? Do you want us to get caught by your parents? Or do you just love seeing me jump through the window butt naked...

11. KEEP YORSELF CLEAN!

Everyone knows that fish is the smell. But we don't have to be smelling it when you take your panties off. Please warn us if you haven't freshened up. And nobody wants to suck on salty dirty titties. Men aren't the only ones who sweat. And we sure
don't want you smelling like you work at a fish market either. Make sure your ass is clean!!! No man wants to eat off a dirty plate.

12. MAKE SURE YOUR FEET ARE IN CHECK.

Every man has a certain turn on, everything on a woman must be perfect, that's how we like it. Do not, I repeat do not get in bed with us with your feet looking like you were walking bare foot on toxic waste. You know what I am talking about, nail polish coming off halfway, smelly as hell, uneven toenails, soles feeling like sandpaper. Its hard to perform good foreplay with that. And don't even think about asking us to suck your toes when they look like they have been beaten with a sledge hammer (ugly) and we are not to fond of unpolished toes either. We like them soft, pretty, and tasty looking.

13. GIVING HEAD.

Don't use your teeth! It hurts, really!

14. AFTER SEX BROADCASTING.

Don't go bragging to your friends saying that you have us so called "whipped" its not cool at all, especially when his friends are around. If a man is "whipped" he won't admit it.

15. KEEP IT REAL.

When you're at the point of breaking up, don't wait until then to tell us we didn't knock it right. You know damn well we had you climbing the walls and walking on air.

Women Vs. Men

Women have more imagination than men. They need it to tell men how wonderful they are.

Women have their faults. Men have only two. Everything they say. Everything they do.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful women is one who can find such a man.

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. It's a whole different way of thinking.

A man is a person who will pay two dollars for a one-dollar item he wants. A woman will pay one dollar for a two-dollar item that she doesn't want.

When a man gives his opinion, he's a man. When a woman gives heropinions, she's a b--ch.

Women are the only exploited group in history who have been idealized into powerlessness.

Diamonds are a girl's best friend. Dogs are a man's best friend. Now you know which sex is smarter.

Most men's primary fantasy is still, unfortunately, access to a number of beautiful women. For a man, commitment means giving up this fantasy. Most women's primary fantasy is a relationship with one man who either provides economic security or is on his way to doing so (he has "potential"). For a woman, commitment to
this type of man means achieving this fantasy. So commitment often means that a woman achieves her primary fantasy, while a man gives his up.

It's not true that men prefer foolish women. Rather they prefer women who can simulate foolishness whenever necessary, which is the very core of intelligence
 

A couple were having an argument which escalated very quickly into a first class row, with the two of them screaming at each other. Finally he cut her off yelling, "That's it! How'd you like it if you just don't see me for the next three days???"

To which she snarled back, "I'd like that just fine!"

And so on the next day she didn't see him at all.
And on the day after that she still didn't see him.

By the third day she could see him just a little bit in one eye.

1. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.

2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.

3. If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all up there.

4. Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out alone.

5. Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway.

6. Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart.

7. Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.

8. Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types.

9. Best way to get a man to do something - suggest they are too old for it.

10. Love is blind - but marriage is a real eye-opener.

11. If you want a committed man - look in a mental hospital.

12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.

13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him checkbooks.

14. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his.

15. Sadly, all men are created equal.
 

What I Want in a Man

Original List (age 22):
1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates finer things
9. Full of thoughtful surprises
10. An imaginative, romantic lover.

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 32):
1. Nice looking (prefer hair on his head)
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner
4. Listens more than talks
5. Laughs at my jokes
6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries
10. Seeks romance at least once a week.

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 42):
1. Not too ugly (bald head OK)
2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
3. Works steady -- splurges on dinner out occasionally
4. Nods head when I'm talking
5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10. Shaves most weekends.

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 52):
1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn't borrow money too often
4. Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting
5. Doesn't re-tell the same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Remembers my name on occasion
10. Shaves some weekends.

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 62):
1. Doesn't scare small children
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when asleep
5. Remembers why he's laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers that it's the weekend.

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 72):
1. Breathing
2. Doesn't miss the toilet

 

An old man and an old woman are sitting in a nursing home and the old man says, ''I bet you can't guess how old I am.''

The old woman says, ''okay, unzip your pants.''

The old man unzips his pants and the woman sticks here hand in and plays around for a minute, she pulls her hand out and says, ''you're 89.''

The old man looks at her increduously and asks, ''how did you know that?''

The old woman says, ''you told me yesterday!''
 

Two old maids were in the supermarket and they noticed that bananas were on sale, 10 cents a piece or 3 for a quarter.

"What should we do?", asked one.

After careful consideration, the other one said, "Oh, lets get the 3 for a dollar. We can always eat the other one".
 

Women can sleep with whoever they want;men have to sleep with whoever will let them.

How do you know if a woman used a vibrator while she was pregnant?

The kid stutters .
 

At a cocktail party, one woman said to another, 'Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?'

The other woman replied, 'Yes, because I married the wrong man.'
 

How old are you really?

A young child asked a woman how old she was.

She answered,"39 and holding."

The child thought for a moment,then said.And how old would be if you let go?

 

Two older women, Judi and Monika, who were rivals in a social circle met at a party.

"My dear," said Monika, "Are those real pearls?"

"They are," replied Judi."

Of course the only way I could tell would be for me to bite them," smiled Lady Monika.

Judi responded "Yes, but for that you would need real teeth."
 

Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning.
Rated G

Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, "Mabel, did you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?"

Mabel answered, I have? A suppository?" She pulled it out & stared at it. Then she
said, "Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where my hearing aid is."
 

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures.

Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me.....I know we've been friends for a long time.....but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it.

Please tell me what your name is.

Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at
her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know ?"
 

MOODS OF A WOMAN
================

An angel of truth and a dream of fiction, a woman is a bundle of contradiction, 
she's afraid of a wasp,
will scream at a mouse,
but will tackle her boyfriend
alone in the house.

she'll take him for better,
she'll take him for worse
she'll break open his head
and then be his nurse

but when he's well
and can get out of bed
she'll pick up the tea-pot
and aim for his head.

beautiful and keenly sighted, yet blind, crafty and crueyl,
yet simple and kind she'll call him a king,
then make him a clown, raise him on a pedestal, then knock him flat down.

she'll inspire him to deeds that ennoble man,
or make him her lackey to carry her fan.
she'll run away from him and never come back
but if he runs away,then she'll be on his tracks

sour as vinegar, sweet as a rose,
she'll kiss you one minute, then turn up her nose,
she'll win you in range, enchant you in silk,
she'll be stronger than brandy, milder than milk

at times she'll be vengeful, merry and sad,
she'll hate you like poison, and love you like mad.

MOODS OF A MAN
==============

Horny.     
 

Women believe if a pet cat strays, it's because of a lack of affection at home.

Women believe if a pet dog strays, it's because of a lack of affection at home.

Women believe if a woman strays, it's because of a lack of affection at home.

Women believe if a man strays, it's because men are scum.

 

A young woman was suffering badly from hay fever. She was going to a fancy dinner party that night and figured she would need at least two handkerchiefs to get her through the evening. She didn't have any pockets, so she stuffed them both in her bra.

Halfway through the night, she had already used up one handkerchief and was rummaging around in her bra for the other one. She was having trouble finding it, and soon she noticed that everyone at the table was looking at her.

"What on earth are you doing?" asked one of her colleagues.

She replied, "I could have sworn I had two when I arrived!"
 

The census taker knocked on the lady's door.

She answered all his questions except one.

She refused to tell him her age.

"But everyone tells the census taker their age," he said.

"Did Miss Maisy Hill and her twin sister Daisey Hill tell their ages?" she asked.

"Certainly." he replied."Well, I'm the same age as they are." she snapped.

The census taker simply wrote on the form, "As old as the Hills."
 

Two women were at a bar.

One looked at the other and said, "You know, eighty percent of all men think the best way to end a fight is to make love."

"Well," said the other woman, "that’ll certainly revolutionize the game of hockey!"

 

A woman announces to her friend that she is getting married for the fourth time.

"How wonderful! But I hope you don't mind me asking what happened to your first husband?"

"He ate poisonous mushrooms and died."

"Oh, how tragic! What about your second husband?"

"He ate poisonous mushrooms too and died."

"Oh, how terrible! I'm almost afraid to ask you about your third husband."

"He died of a broken neck."

"A broken neck?"

"He wouldn't eat the mushrooms."
 

Rated G

Women believe if a pet cat strays, it's because of a lack of affection at home.

Women believe if a pet dog strays, it's because of a lack of affection at home.

Women believe if a woman strays, it's because of a lack of affection at home.

Women believe if a man strays, it's because men are scum.
 

Ever wonder why ABCDEF are used to define bra sizes?

A - Almost Boobs
B - Barely there
C - Can Do
D - Damn good
E - Enormous
F - Fake
 

MARTHA STEWART VS. REAL WOMEN

Martha's way #1:

Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to ,prevent ice cream drips.

The Real Women's Way:

Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's sake, you are probably lying on the couch, with your feet up, eating it anyway.

Martha's way #2:

To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.

The Real Women's Way:

Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix and keep it in the pantry for up to a year.

Martha's way #3:

When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake.

The Real Women's Way:

Go to the bakery. They'll even decorate it for you.

Martha's way #4:

If you accidentally over salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant "fix me up."

The Real Women's Way:

If you over salt a dish while you are cooking, that's too bad. Please recite with me, The Real Women's motto: I made it and you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes.

Martha's way #5:

Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks.

The Real Women's Way:

Celery? Never heard of the stuff.

Martha's way # 6:

Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish.

The Real Women's Way:

The Mrs. Smith frozen pie directions do not include brushing egg whites over the crust so I just don't do it.

Martha's way # 7:

Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.

The Real Women's Way:

Martha, dear, the only reason this works is because you can't rub a lime on your forehead without getting lime juice in your eye, and then the problem isn't the headache anymore, YOU'RE NOW BLIND!

Martha's way #9:

If you have a problem opening jars: Try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non slip grip that makes opening jars easy.

The Real Women's Way:

Go ask the very cute neighbor guy to do it.

And finally the most important tip

Martha's way # 10:

Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.

The Real Women's Way:

Leftover wine??????
 

FLASHER

Three old ladies were sitting on a park bench chatting when a guy wearing nothing but a trenchcoat walked up to them and opened his trenchcoat, exposing his manlihood.

The first old lady had a stroke, and then the second old lady also had a stroke.

But the third old lady, weaker and feebler, was unable to reach that far.
 

The most recent survey on women showed that 10 percent of the men interviewed liked women with thin legs.

Another 15 percent preferred muscular legs.

The rest liked something in-between.
 

With the miracle of fertility treatment , a woman was able to have a baby at the age of 65.

When she was discharged from hospital , her relatives came to visit. "Can we see the baby?" they asked. "Not yet , " said the 65 year old mother. Twenty minutes
later, they asked again . " Can we see the baby?""Not yet , " said the mother.

Another twenty minutes later , they asked again. " Can we see the baby?"
" Not yet ," said the mother.

Growing very impatient , they said. " Well, when can we see the baby then ?"

" When it cries."

"Why do we have to wait until the baby cries? "

"Because I forgot where I put it."
 

What men need to know about women (written by a man)

Women love to talk on the phone. A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.

A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, or get the mail.

Women will drive miles out of their way to avoid the possibility of getting lost using a shortcut.

Women do NOT want an honest answer to the question, 'How do I look?'

PMS stands for: Permissible Man-Slaughter (or at least men think it means that). PMS also stands for Preposterous Mood Swings and Punish My Spouse.

The first naked man a woman sees is 'Ken'.

Women will make three right-hand turns to avoid making one left-hand turn.

'Oh, nothing,' has an entirely different meaning in woman-language than it does in man-language.

Lewis Carroll's Caterpillar had nothing on women.

Women cannot use a map without turning the map to correspond to the direction that they are heading.

All women are overweight by definition; don't agree with them about it. Women always have 5 pounds to lose, but don't bring this up unless they really have 5 pounds to gain.

If it is not Valentine's Day and you see a man in a flower shop, you can probably start up a conversation by asking, 'What did you do?'

Only women understand the reason for 'guest towels' and the 'good china'.

Women want equal rights, but you rarely hear them clamoring to be let into the draft to cover the responsibilities that go with those rights. All women seek equality with men until it comes to sharing the closet, taking out the trash, and picking up the check.

If a man ticks off a woman she will often respond by getting a fuzzy toilet cover which warms their rear, but makes it impossible for the lid to stay up thus it constantly gets peed on by the guys (which gets them in More trouble).

Women never check to see if the lid is up. They seem to prefer taking a flying butt leap towards the bowl and then chewing men out because they 'left the seat up'instead of taking two seconds and lowering it themselves.

Women can get out of speeding tickets by pouting. This will get men arrested.

Women don't really care about a sense of humor in a guy despite claims to the contrary. You don't see women trampling over Tom Cruise to get to Gilbert Gottfried, do you?

It's okay for women to dance with each other, but you don't see men dancing together.

Women will spend hours dressing up to go out, and then they'll go out and spend more time checking out other women. Men can never catch women checking out other men; women will always catch men checking out other women.

The most embarrassing thing for women is to find another woman wearing the same dress at a formal party. You don't hear men say, 'Oh-my GOD, there's another man wearing a black tux, get me outta here!'
 

The Ladies at Lunch
Rated PG

Mary: So you're happy with John, huh?

Jill: Absolutely! He's good to me, and he's so sexy. Before I met him, I thought sex was just for making babies and keeping the landlord happy.

FIVE STAGES OF FEMALE LIFE:

1. To Grow Up

2. To Fill Out

3. To Slim Down

4. To Hold It In

5. To Hell With It
 

Two women were having lunch together, and discussing the
merits of cosmetic surgery.

The first woman says, "I need to be honest with you, I'm getting a boob job."

The second woman says "Oh that's nothing, I'm thinking of having my asshole bleached!"

To which the first replies, "Whoa I just can't picture your husband as a blonde!"
 

1. Don't imagine you can change a man, unless he is in diapers.

2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.

3. If they put a man on the moon. They should be able to put them all up there.

4. Never let your man's mind wander. It's too little to be out alone.

5. Go for younger men. You might as well, they never mature anyway.

6. Men are all the same. They just have different faces so you can tell them apart.

7. Definition of a bachelor? A man who has missed the opportunity to make a woman miserable.

8. Women don't make fools of men, most of them are the do it yourself type.

9. Best way to get a man to do something is suggest they are too old for it.

10. Love is blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.

11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.

12 If he ask's what type of book your interested in, tell him checkbooks.
 

The Ladies at Lunch

Jill: And I knew she wanted me to notice her haircut, so finally I said, "You got a new hairstyle."

Mary: Was she flattered?

Jill: She was at first; then I said, "It makes you look 10 years uglier."
 

50 "Facts" About Women

1. Women love to shop. It is the one area of the world
where they feel like they're actually in control.

2. Women especially love a bargain. The question
of "need" is irrelevant, so don't bother pointing it out.
Anything on sale is fair game.

3. Women never have anything to wear. Don't question the
racks of clothes in the closet; you "just don't
understand."

4. Women need to cry. And they won't do it alone unless
they know you can hear them.

5. Women will always ask questions that have no right
answer, in an effort to trap you into feeling guilty.

6. Women love to talk. Silence intimidates them and they
feel a need to fill it, even if they have nothing to say.

7. Women need to feel like there are people worse off
than they are. That's why soap operas and Oprah Winfrey_type
shows are so successful.

8. Women don't need sex as often as men do. This is
because sex is more physical for men and more emotional
for women. Just knowing that the man *wants* to have
sex with them fulfills the emotional need.

9. Women hate bugs. Even the strong_willed ones need a
man around when there's a spider or a wasp involved.

10. Women can't keep secrets. They eat away at them from
the inside. And they don't view it as being
untrustworthy, providing they only tell two or
three people.

11. Women always go to public restrooms in groups. It
gives them a chance to gossip.

12. Women can't refuse to answer a ringing phone, no
matter what they're doing. It might be the lottery
calling.

13. Women never understand why men love toys. Men
understand that they wouldn't need toys if women had an
"on/off" switch.

14. Women think all beer is the same.

15. Women keep three different shampoos and two
different conditioners in the shower.

16. After a woman showers, the bathroom will smell like
a tropical rain forest.

17. Women don't understand the appeal of sports. Men
seek entertainment that allows them to escape reality.
Women seek entertainment that reminds them of
how horrible things *could* be.

18. If a man goes on a seven_day trip, he'll pack five
days worth of clothes and will wear some things twice;
if a woman goes on a seven_day trip she'll pack 21
outfits because she doesn't know what she'll feel
like wearing each day.

19. Women brush their hair *before* bed.

20. Watch a woman eat an ice cream cone and you'll have
a pretty good idea about how she'll be in bed.

21. Women are paid less than men, except for Modeling.

22. Women are *never* wrong. Apologizing is the mans
responsibility, "It's there in the bible". Hmmm who was
it that gave Adam the apple?

23. Women do *not* know anything about cars. "Oil_stick,
oil doesn't stick?"

24. Women have better restrooms. They get the nice
chairs and red carpet.

25. The average number of items in a typical woman's
bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify
most of these items.

26. Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when
women aren't looking, men kick cats.

27. Women love to talk on the phone. A woman can visit
her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home,
she will call the same friend and they will talk for
three hours.

28. A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the
plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a
book, or get the mail.

29. Women don't try as hard as men during sex; after
all, they don't fall asleep afterwards.

30. Women will drive miles out of their way to avoid the
possibility of getting lost using a shortcut.

31. Women do NOT want an honest answer to the question,
'How do I look?'

32. PMS stands for: Permissible Man_Slaughter. (Or at
least men think it means that. PMS also stands for
Punish My Spouse.

33. The first naked man woman see is "Ken".

34. Women are looking for that one man to satisfy their
every want and need; Men are looking for every woman to
satisfy that one want and need.

35. Women are insecure about their weight, butt and
breast_size.

36. Women will make three right_hand turns to avoid
making one left_hand turn.

37. "Oh, nothing," has an entirely different meaning in
woman_language than it does in man_language.

38a. All women are overweight by definition, don't argue
with them about it.

38b. All women are overweight by definition, don't agree
with them about it.

39. If it is not Valentines day, and you see a man in a
flower shop, you can probably start up a conversation by asking, "What did
you do?"

40. Only women understand the reason for "guest towels"
and the "good china".

41. If a man ticks off a woman she will often respond by
getting a fuzzy toilet cover which warms their rear, but makes it
impossible for the lid to stay up thus it constantly gets peed on by the guys.
(which gets them in more trouble).

42. Women never check to see if the lid is up. They seem
to prefer taking a flying butt leap towards the bowl and then chewing men
out because they "left the seat up" instead of taking two seconds and
lowering it themselves.

43. Women can get out of speeding tickets by pouting.
This will get men arrested.

44. Women don't really care about a sense of humor in a
guy despite claims to the contrary. You don't see women
trampling over Tom Cruise to get to Gilbert Gottfried
do you?

45. Sex allows women to do three of their favorite
things:

1) Telling men they're doing it wrong; "Not _there!_

2) Demanding extra attention; "You can't stop yet!"

3) Martyring themselves; " That's all right, maybe next
time..."

46. It's OK for women to dance with each other and not
be gay, You don't see straight men dancing together.

47. All women seek equality with men until it comes to
sharing the closet, taking out the trash, and picking
up the check.

48. Women always have 5 pounds to lose, but don't bring
this up unless they really have 5 pounds to gain.

49. Women will spend hours dressing up to go out, and
then they'll go out and spend more time checking out
other women.

50. Men can never catch women checking out other men;
women'll always catch men checking out other women.

Two ladies are sitting next to each other on a plane. One is a Yankee and the other, a Southern Belle. The Southern Belle turns to the Yankee and asks, "So where y'all from?"

The Yankee turns her steely gaze to the Southern Belle and replies, "I am from a place where we do not end our sentences with a preposition."

Silence ensues and the flight continues until a few minutes later when the Southern Belle again turns to the Yankee and asks, "So, where y'all from, bitch?"
 

"Organizers of the first 'National Orgasm Week' held this year were very disappointed with the results obtained.

It seems at least three-quarters of the women polled just pretended to celebrate it."
 

Two Southern Belles were sitting talking. One Southern Belle says to the other, "Do you know what you call a man who kisses another man is called?"

The second Southern Belle, nervously shaking her fan says, "No, what do you call him?!"

"You call him a homosexual," states the first."Do you know what you call a woman who kisses another woman?" asks the first.

Shaking her fan harder, the second says, "No, what do you call her?!"

"You call her a lesbian," states the first."Do you know what you call a man who kisses a woman between her legs?", asks the first.

In a tizzy, shaking her fan faster than ever, the second replies, "No, what do you call him?"Says the first,

"I don't know what you call him, but I call him Precious!"
 

An elderly woman died last month. Having never married she requested no male pallbearers.

In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote, "They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead.
 

A man is like a fine wine.

He starts out raw as grapes.

And it's a woman's job,

To stomp on him,

And keep him in the dark,

Until he matures into something,

She'd like to have dinner with.
 

A WOMAN'S FACTS ABOUT MEN

1. Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved.

2. Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.

3. Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible. In a world where there are more women than men, it pays to recycle.

4. Men are very confident people. My husband is so confident that when he watches sports on television, he thinks that if he concentrates he can help his team. If the team is in trouble, he coaches the players from our living room, and if they're really in trouble, I have to get off the phone in case they call him.

5. Men like phones with lots of buttons. It makes them feel important.

6. Men love to be the first to read the newspaper in the morning. Not being the first is upsetting to their psyches.

7. All men are afraid of eyelash curlers. I sleep with one under my pillow, instead of a gun.

8. A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaners. These men usually have jobs and bathe.

9. All men hate to hear "We need to talk about our relationship." These seven words strike fear in the heart of even General Schwarzkopf.

10. Men are sensitive in strange ways. If a man has built a fire and the last log does not burn, he will take it personally.

11. Men have an easier time buying bathing suits. Women have two types: depressing and more depressing. Men have two types: nerdy and not nerdy.

12. Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating goes out in winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are like portable heaters that snore.

13. Women take clothing much more seriously than men. I've never seen a man walk into a party and say "Oh, my God, I'm so embarrassed; get me out of here. There's
another man wearing a black tuxedo."

14. Most men hate to shop. That's why the men's department is usually on the first floor of a department store, two inches from the door.

15. If a man prepares dinner for you and the salad contains three or more types of lettuce, he is serious.

16. If you're dating a man who you think might be "Mr. Right," and if he a) got older, b) got a new job, or c) visited a psychiatrist, you are in for a nasty surprise. The cocoon-to-butterfly theory only works on cocoons and butterflies.

17. No man is charming all of the time. Even Cary Grant is on record saying he wished he could be Cary Grant.

18. When four or more men get together, they talk about sports.

19. When four or more women get together, they talk about men.

20. Men are less sentimental than women. No man has ever seen the movie THE WAY WE WERE twice, voluntarily.

21. Most women are introspective: "Am I in love? Am I emotionally and creatively fulfilled?" Most men are outrospective: "Did my team win? How's my car?"

22. If a man says, "I'll call you," and he doesn't, he didn't forget... he didn't lose your number... he didn't die. He just didn't want to call you.

23. Getting rid of a man without hurting his masculinity is a problem. "Get out" and "I never want to see you again" might sound like a challenge. If you want to get rid of a man, I suggest saying, "I love you... I want to marry you... I want to have your children." Sometimes they leave skid marks.

24. Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with super-heroes. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie.

25. Male menopause is a lot more fun than female menopause. With female menopause you gain weight and get hot flashes. Male menopause - you get to date young girls and drive motorcycles.

26. Men forget everything; women remember everything.

27. That's why men need instant replays in sports. They've already forgotten what happened.

~ Author Unknown ~
 

QUESTION:

Why are married women heavier than single women?

ANSWER:

Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed.
Married women come home, see what's in the bed and go to the fridge.
 

QUESTION: Why don't women blink during foreplay?

ANSWER: They don't have time.
 

This is why God made menopause.......

With all the new technology regarding fertility, a 65 year-old woman
gave birth to a baby. When she was discharged from the hospital, her
relatives came to visit.

"May we see the new baby?" one asked.

"Not yet," said the 65 year-old mother, Soon, 10 minutes had passed and another relative asked, "May we see the new baby now?"

"Not yet," said the mother.

Another 19 minutes later, they asked again, "May we see the baby now?"

"No, not yet," replied the mother.

Growing very impatient, they asked, "Well, when CAN we see the baby?"

"When it cries," she told them.

"WHEN IT CRIES??" they demanded. "Why do we have to wait until it
CRIES??"

"Because," she told them, "I forgot where I put it...."
 

Mom's Last Laugh

Consumed by my loss, I didn't notice the hardness of the pew where I sat.
I was at the funeral of my dearest friend - my mother. She finally had lost her long battle with cancer. The hurt was so intense, I found it hard to breathe at times.

Always supportive, Mother clapped loudest at my school plays, held a box of tissues while listening to my first heartbreak, comforted me at my father's death, encouraged me in college, and prayed for me my entire life.

When Mother's illness was diagnosed, my sister had a new baby and my brother had recently married his childhood sweetheart, so it fell on me, the 27-year-old middle child without entanglements, to take care of her. I counted it an honor.

"What now, Lord?" I asked sitting in church. My life stretched out before me as an empty abyss. My brother sat stoically with his face toward the cross while clutching his wife's hand. My sister sat slumped against her husband's shoulder, his arms around her as she cradled their child.

All so deeply grieving, no one noticed I sat alone.

My place had been with our mother, preparing her meals, helping her walk, taking her to the doctor, seeing to her medication, reading the Bible together. Now she was with the Lord.

My work was finished, and I was alone.

I heard a door open and slam shut at the back of the church. Quick footsteps hurried along the carpeted floor. An exasperated young man looked around briefly and then sat next to me. He folded his hands and placed them on his lap. His eyes were brimming with tears. He began to sniffle.

"I'm late," he explained, though no explanation was necessary.

After several eulogies, he leaned over and commented, "Why do they keep calling Mary by the name of 'Margaret'?"

"Because that was her name, Margaret. Never Mary. No one called her 'Mary,'" I whispered. I wondered why this person couldn't have sat on the other side of the church. He interrupted my grieving with his tears and fidgeting.

Who was this stranger anyway?

"No, that isn't correct," he insisted, as several people glanced over at us whispering, "Her name is Mary, Mary Peters."

"That isn't who this is."

"Isn't this the Lutheran church?"

"No, the Lutheran church is across the street."

"Oh."

" I believe you're at the wrong funeral, Sir."

The solemnness of the occasion mixed with the realization of the man's mistake bubbled up inside me and came out as laughter. I cupped my hands over my face, hoping it would be interpreted as sobs.

The creaking pew gave me away. Sharp looks from other mourners only made the situation seem more hilarious. I peeked at the bewildered, I could see the man was laughing, too, as he glanced around, deciding it was too late for an uneventful exit. I imagined Mother laughing.

At the final "Amen," we darted out a door and into the parking lot.

"I do believe we'll be the talk of the town," he smiled. He said his name was Rick and since he had missed his aunt's funeral, asked me out for a cup of coffee.

That afternoon began a lifelong journey for me with this man who attended the wrong funeral, but was in the right place. A year after our meeting, we were married at a country church where he was the assistant pastor. This time we both arrived at the same church, right on time.

In my time of sorrow, God gave me laughter. In place of loneliness, God gave we love. This past June we celebrated our twenty-second wedding anniversary. Whenever anyone asks us how we met, Rick tells them, "Her mother and my Aunt Mary introduced us, and it's truly a match made in Heaven."

~By Robin Lee Shope~

 

WHO UNDERSTANDS MEN?

Okay, girls! We understand men, don't we? And they are a no-win situation! Here's proof:

- The nice men are ugly.

- The handsome men are not nice.

- The handsome and nice men are gay.

- The handsome, nice and heterosexual men are married.

- The men who are not so handsome but are nice men have no money.

- The men who are not so handsome but are nice men with money think we
are only after their money.

- The handsome men without money are after our money.

- The handsome men, who are not so nice and somewhat heterosexual don't think we are beautiful enough.

- The men who think we are beautiful, that are heterosexual, somewhat nice and have money are cowards.

-The men who are somewhat handsome, somewhat nice and have some money
and thank God are heterosexual are shy and NEVER MAKE THE FIRST MOVE!

- The men who never make the first move, automatically lose interest inus when we take the initiative.

NOW... WHO REALLY UNDERSTANDS MEN?
 

A Woman's Ultimate Fantasy!

Ask any man, and he will tell you that any woman's ultimate fantasy is to have two men at once.

While this has been verified by a recent sociological study, it appears that most men do not realize that in the fantasy, one man is cooking and the other is cleaning.


 

"Woman's Logic"

1. Women believe if a cat strays it's because of a lack of affection

2. Women believe if a dog strays it's because of a lack of affection.

3. Women believe if a women strays it is because of a lack of affection.

4. Women believe if a man strays, it's because he is scum.
 

Seen on a Bumper Sticker the other day:

"I like to be a bitch so much that it pisses me off
when my period ends."

 

Rated PG Lurker Cynthia in Ohio

(Ooo, men, watch out for this list. The women have had it....)

1. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.

2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks-out? You shut the door.

3. If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all up there.

4. Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out alone.

5. Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway.

6. Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart.

7. Definition of a bachelor; a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.

8. Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types.

9. Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest he is too old for it.

10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.

12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.

13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him checkbooks.

14. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his.

15. Sadly, all men are created equal.
 

If you have three women standing on a street corner wearing nothing but potato sacks how can you tell which one is the prostitute??

The one that says I-DA-HO!! "D

 

The differences between your 1st, 2nd and 3rd babies.

1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.

2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.

3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.
 

The Ladies at Lunch

Mary: Does John like to cuddle up to you? You know, "spoon"?

Jill: Oh, yeah. He likes "spooning." But he prefers "forking."

 

Two woman were talking about the new hunk in the neighborhood.

"But he acts so stupid," said one to the other.

"I think he must have his brains between his legs."

"Yeah," her friend sighed, "but I'd sure love to blow his mind."
 

The Ladies at Lunch

Jill: My ex thought he was "king of the castle.

"Mary: Oh, yeah? Did you show him the error of his ways?

Jill: Yep! I used logic.

Mary: Tell me about it!

Jill: I just looked at him and said, "A king is a ruler. A ruler is twelve inches. Do you still think you're the king?"
 

A shapely female co-worker walked into the lunchroom the other day sporting a white t-shirt with the word "GUESS" boldly emblazoned across the front.

I simply couldn't resist... "36C ?"

 

EVE NEEDS A MAN!

If God had created Eve first, what might have transpired:

After three weeks in the garden, God came to visit Eve. "How are things,Eve?", He asked.

"It is all so beautiful, God," she replied, "The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful. But I justhave this one problem. It's these breasts you've given me. The middle one pushes the other two out, and I am constantly knocking them with my arms,catching them on branches, snagging them on bushes, they're a real pain."

"That's a fair point," replied God, "but it was my first shot at this, you know. I gave the animals what, six? So I just figured you'd need half, but I see that you are tight. I'll fix that up right away!" and God reaches down and removes the middle breast, tossing it into the bushes.

Three weeks passed, and God again visited Eve in the garden. "Well, Eve, how's my favorite creation?" He asked.

"Just fantastic," she replied, "but for one small oversight on your part.You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has her ram, the cow hasher bull, all the animals have a mate, except me. I feel so alone."

God thought for a moment. "You know, Eve, you're right. How could I have overlooked this! You do need a mate and I will immediately create Man from a part of you! Now, let's see, where did I leave that useless boob?"
 

A fellow in a restaurant saw two doors, one marked "MEN" and one marked "WOMEN".

So he opened the door marked "WOMEN", and sure enough, there they were....
 

A Woman's Ultimate Fantasy!
***
Ask any man, and he will tell you that any woman's ultimate fantasy is to have two men at once.

While this has been verified by a recent sociological study, it
appears that most men do not realize that in the fantasy, one man
is cooking and the other is cleaning.

 

First woman: I can't believe how boring my life has become.

Second woman: What do you mean?

First woman: The only time I hear myself say, "I'm coming" is when I'm trying to tell my cat I'm getting his food ready!
 

I talked this morning with a colleague who is a postmaster in southern Kansas.

He was amused with an elderly patron who came in to purchase her daily single postage stamp. She is among the cadre we kindly refer to as our "one stampers."

Yesterday morning he offered the suggestion to her that she may want to purchase a "book" of stamps. Her response caught him off guard.

Quote: "Honey at my age I don't even buy green bananas!!!"

 

The Rope

There were 11 people hanging from a rope attached to a helicopter; 10 men and one woman.

The rope began to fray, and they decided one person would have to let go, to save the rest.

The woman spoke up:"Women are used to giving up things for their husbands and children, and men ARE the superior sex, after all. So it's only right that I should give up my life to save all of yours.

"The men were so touched by her speech, they all applauded.

Never underestimate the power of a woman.
 

"Ninety percent of women say that a man's looks aren't important.

So if she can't stand you, you know it's your lousy personality."

After her 90th birthday, Mrs. Marie found that shopping for
Christmas gifts had become too difficult, so she decided to send
checks to everyone instead. On each card she wrote, "Buy your own
present," and she mailed them early.

Mrs. Marie enjoyed the usual flurry of family festivities. Only
after Christmas did she get around to clearing off her cluttered
desk. Under a stack of papers, she was horrified to find the gift
checks she had forgotten to enclose...

 

Sadie and Sophie are sitting at the kitchen table, bragging.

"My daughter lives in a penthouse apartment in Miami,"says Sadie. "She goes out to dinner every night at a different restaurant, has beautiful furs and clothes,and lots of boyfriends. "

Sophie replies, "Yeah, my daughter's a whore too."
 

What P.M.S. Stands For

Pass My Shotgun
Psychotic Mood Shift
Perpetual Munching Spree
Puffy Mid-Section
People Make Me Sick
Provide Me with Sweets
Pardon My Sobbing
Pimples May Surface
Pass My Sweatpants
Pissy Mood Syndrome
Plainly, Men Suck
Pack My Stuff
 

The Ladies at Lunch

Mary: Well, I've never known anyone so forward! Thisperfect stranger just walked up to me at the party and asked, "How would you like some mind-blowing, earth-shaking, window-shattering sex?"

Jill: I can't believe it!

Mary: Neither could I! When I told him, "No,thanks!" he just added, "Well, would you mind lying down so that I could have some?"
 

Truth of Life:

If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her
from the rat race, you're a male chauvinist.

If you stay home and do the housework, you're a pansy.

If you work too hard, there is never any time for her.

If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.

If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, this is
exploitation.

If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you
should get off your caboose and find something better.

If you get a promotion ahead of her, that is favoritism,

If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.

If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment.

If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.

If you cry, you're a wimp.

If you don't, you're an insensitive jerk.

If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist.
If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated
woman.

If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's
domination.
If she asks you, it's a favor.

If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape, you're
sexist.

If you don't, you're unromantic.

If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain.
If you don't, you're a slob.

If you buy her flowers, you're after something.
If you don't, you're not thoughtful.

If you're proud of your achievements, you're up on yourself.
If you don't, you're not ambitious.

If she has a headache, she's tired.
If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore.

Isn't this true?

Women have only two complaints.

Nothing to wear, and not enough closet space for it.
 

Ladies at Lunch:

Mary: My brother-in-law took my sister to Hawaii for their wedding anniversary.

Jill: That's nice!

Linda: Isn't it? The best I've ever done is get some roses!

Mary: Well, my first husband told me on our first anniversary that I could have anything I wanted.

Jill: Really? What did you want?

Mary: A divorce.

 

Subject: Quotations from women about women.

The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy.
-Helen Hayes (at 73)

I refuse to think of them as chin hairs. I think of them as stray
eyebrows. Janette Barber

Who ever thought up the word "Mammogram"? Every time I hear it, I
think I'm supposed to put my breast in an envelope and send it to
someone. -Jan King

A few weeks after my surgery, I went out to play catch with my golden retriever. When I bent over to pick up the ball, my prosthesis fell out. The dog snatched it, and I found myself chasing him down the road yelling "Hey, come back here with my breast!" -Linda Ellerbee

Things are going to get a lot worse before they get worse.
-Lily Tomlin

You know the hardest thing about having cerebral palsy and being a
woman? It's plucking your eyebrows. That's how I originally got pierced ears. -Geri Jewell

A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who never owned a car. -Carrie Snow

Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you cry with your
girlfriends.

My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being
Hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint. -Erma Brombeck

Old age ain't no place for sissies. -Bette Davis

A man's got to do what a man's got to do. A woman must do what he
can't. -Rhonda Hansome

The phrase "working mother" is redundant. -Jane Sellman

Every time I close the door on reality it comes in through the windows. -Jennifer

Whatever women must do they must do twice as well as men to be
Thought Half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.
-Charlotte Whitton

Thirty-five is when you finally get your head together and your body Starts falling apart. -Caryn Leschen

I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack
me at once. -Jennifer

If you can't be a good example, then you'll just have to be a horrible warning. -Catherine

When I was young, I was put in a school for retarded kids for two
years before they realized I actually had a hearing loss...and they called ME slow! -Kathy Buckley

Behind every successful woman...is a substantial amount of coffee. Stephanie Piro

Behind every successful woman...... is a basket of dirty laundry. -Sally Forth

 

Geriatric Breasts

What do older women have between their breasts that younger women
don't?

A belly button.

 

THE NINE TYPES OF BOYFRIENDS

JOE SENSITIVE:

"After I wash the dishes, let's cuddle, OK?"

Also known as: Mr. Nice Guy, Family man, Honey, Darling, Soft-boiled Egg, Snugglepup

Advantages: Well-behaved; irons own shirts

Disadvantages: Irritatingly compassionate, wimpy

OLD MAN GRUMPUS:

"People are stupid. The world can go to hell. Let's stay home and watch TV."

Also known as: Grumbles, Sour puss, Stick-in-the-mud, Old Fogey,
Slow Mover, Jerk

Advantages: Stays put; predictable

Disadvantages: Royal pain in the ass

FLINCHY:

"I--I'm sorry for whatever it was I did."

Also known as: Trembly, Creampuff, Hey you

Advantages: Jumps entertainingly when startled

Disadvantages: Easily spooked; surrenders without a struggle

BIGFOOT: "Shut yer trap, I'm thinkin'."

Also known as: Chunk-style, Lummox, Ignoramus, Galoot, the Hulk,
Big 'n' Dumb

Advantages: Can tote bales; is easily fooled

Disadvantages: Can break you in half, sweats like a pig

LAZYBONES:

"Zzzzzz" Also known as: Lucky Dog, Parasite, Bum, Sponge, Snoozebucket, Drug Addict

Advantages: Well rested; easy target

Disadvantages: Unlikely to fulfull your dreams

THE SNEAK:

"Who, me?"

Also known as: Love Pirate, Snake, Rat, Slime, G-D Son of a Bitch

Advantages: May feel pangs of guilt

Disadvantages: May be having time of his life

ACE OF HEARTS:

"After I wash the dishes let's make love like crazed weasels, OK?"

Also known as: The Sizzler, Handyman, Dreamboat, Casanova, Monster

Advantages: Perpetually aroused

Disadvantages: Perpetually aroused

THE DREAMER:

"Someday I'm going to be rich and famous. I don't know how, but--"

Also known as: Struggling artist, Philosopher, Buffoon, Bag of Wind, Fool

Advantages: Tells good stories

Disadvantages: Will turn into "Old Man Grumpus"

MR. RIGHT:

"While the servants wash the dishes, let's make love like crazed weasels in my new yacht, ok?"

Also known as: Mr. Perfect, Jim Dandy

Advantages: Answer to a woman's prayer

Disadvantages: Hunted to extinction

 

The Ladies at Lunch

Jill: That man at the bar keeps looking at you.

Mary: Do you mean that disreputable-looking fellow who is about to pass out in the free peanuts?

Jill: What? All of a sudden you're picky?

 

The Ladies at Lunch

Mary: There are two men sitting alone at the bar over there.

Jill: So?

Mary: Well, we're two women alone sitting over here at
a table. What do you think that adds up to?

Jill: Four losers?

 

Ethel and Mabel, two elderly widows, were watching the folks go by from their park bench.

Ethel said, "You know, Mabel, I've been reading this 'Sex and Marriage' book and all they talk about is 'mutual orgasm'. 'Mutual orgasm' here and mutual orgasm' there - that's all they talk about.

Tell me, Mabel, when your husband was alive, did you two ever have mutual orgasm?"

Mabel thought for a long while. Finally, she shook her head and said, "No, I think we had State Farm."


 

Sadie and Yetta, two widows, are talking:

Sadie: "That nice Morris Finkleman asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer."

Yetta: "Vell.... I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctual like a clock. An like such a mench he is dressed. Fine suit,wonderful lining. And he brings me such beautiful flowers you could die from. Then he takes me downstairs, and what's there but such a beautiful car..... a limousine even, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he takes me out for a dinner.....Marvelous dinner. Lobster even. Den ve go see a show.... let me tell you Sadie, I enjoyed it so much I could just die from pleasure! So then we are coming back to my apartment, and into an ANIMAL he turns. Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me two times!"

Sadie: "Oy! Vey... so you are telling me I shouldn't go out with him?"

Yetta: "No... I'm just saying that if you go, wear an old dress!"

 

Two women are digging in the garden. One pulls out a foot-long carrot.

She says, "This one reminds me of my husband's."

The second woman says, "Your husband's is that long?"

"No, that dirty."


 

An ugly man met an old woman while traveling through a forest.

The old woman said, "You're the ugliest man I ever saw."

"I can't help it," the ugly man said.

"No, I guess not," the woman admitted, "but the least you could do is stay at home."

 

Mrs. Greenburg was making the rounds at her Tea forthe ladies. In her hand she carried a platter of freshly baked cookies.

"So Mrs. Rubenstein," she smiled, "have some cookies."

"No thank you," said Mrs. Rubenstein, "They're justdelicious--but I already had four."

"You already had five," replied Mrs. Greenberg. "But who's counting?"


 

Why is it that single women are skinnier then married women?

Because single women look in the fridge see what's in it , then go
to bed. Married women look in the bed see what's in it, then go to
the fridge.

Two woman were talking about the new hunk in the neighborhood.

"But he acts so stupid," said one to the other. "I think he must have his brains between his legs."

"Yeah," her friend sighed, "but I'd sure love to blow his mind."
 

A woman walks up to a guy in a blue bathing suit and says, "Did you know your eyes match your swim trunks?"

He says, "Why? Are my eyes bulging?"

According to a new book, they asked 50 women what they would do
if they had a male sex organ for one day.

Most of them said, 'Probably get a salary increase.'

 

THE DO'S AND DON'T'S OF WOMEN!

If you kiss her, you are not a gentleman
If you don't, you are not a man

If you praise her, she thinks you are lying
If you don't, you are good for nothing

If you agree to all her likes, you are a wimp
If you don't, you are not understanding

If you visit her often, she thinks it is boring
If you don't, she accuses you of double-crossing

If you are well dressed, she says you are a playboy
If you don't, you are a dull boy

If you are jealous, she says it's bad
If you aren't, she thinks you do not love her

If you attempt a romance, she says you didn't respect her
If you don't, she thinks you do not like her

If you are a minute late, she complains it's hard to wait
If she is late, she says that's a girl's way

If you visit another man, you're not putting in "quality time"
If she is visited by another woman, "oh it's natural, we are girls"

If you kiss her once in a while, she professes you are cold
If you kiss her often, she yells that you are taking advantage

If you stare at another woman, she accuses you of flirting
If she is stared by other men, she says that they are just admiring

If you talk, she wants you to listen
If you listen, she wants you to talk
 

This has is a public service message for Women, to better understand the male.BECAUSE I AM A MAN .....

Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle with a wire clothes hanger and ignore your suggestions that we call a road service until long after hypothermia has set in.

Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these Computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start."We will then drink beer.

Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan.You never get as sick as I do, so for you this isn't a problem.

Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "cumin" or "tofu." For all I know, these are the same thing. And never, under any circumstances, expect me to pick up anything for which "feminine hygiene product" is a euphemism.

Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.

Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it (though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator).

Because I'm a man, I don't think we're all that lost, and no, I don't think we should stop and ask someone. Why would you listen to a complete stranger. I mean, how the heck could he know where we're going?

Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The answer is always either sex or football. I have to make up something else when you ask, so don't ask.

Because I'm a man, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for Mother's Day is okay, I don't need to see it. And don't forget to pick up something for my mother, too.

Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie.Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't.

Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it--looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?

Because I'm a man, and this is, after all, the year 2002, I will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the gardening, the cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes, and I'll do the rest.
 

On wall in ladies room: "My husband follows me everywhere."

Written just below it: "I do not!"

A study in Wisconsin showed that the kind of male face a woman finds attractive can differ depending on where a woman is in her menstrual cycle.

For instance, if she is ovulating, she is likely to be attracted to men with more rugged and masculine features.

If she is menstruating, she is likely to be impressed by a man with scissors through his temple and a bat shoved up his ass.
 

A very posh lady was walking around an art gallery when she stopped by one particular exhibit.

"I suppose this picture of a hideous witch is what you would call modern art?" she asked very pompously.

"No, ma'am," replied the assistant, "it's what we call a mirror."
 

Women are like newspapers because...
- Older ones are not in demand
- They're well worth looking over
- They have a great deal of influence
- You can't believe anything they say
- They always have the last word
- You should really get your own and not steal your neighbor's

 

I thought, Miss Smith, that you wanted yesterday afternoon off because you were seeing your dentist?
That's right, Sir.

So how come I saw you coming out of the movie theatre with a friend?

That was my dentist.

 

Rated PG The Ladies At Lunch

Rated G The Ladies at Lunch

Rated PG The Ladies at Lunch

Rated G Ladies at Lunch

Rated G .......The Ladies at Lunch

Rated G

Joys of Womanhood

~Brilliant Woman Author Unknown~

Rated X The Ladies at Lunch

Rated G

Rated G The Ladies at Lunch

Rated PG

WOMEN - A CHEMICAL ANALYSIS

Rated X The Ladies at Lunch

Rated G The Ladies at Lunch

Rated G

Words Women Use

Rated PG A Woman's Perfect Breakfast

Rated PG Sue Bee

FLAT CHESTED WOMAN

Rated G Michele

Rated R The Ladies at Lunch

Mary:

Rated PG The Ladies at Lunch

Rated R

Big Tits vs. Little Tits

Women with Big Tits..

Rated G

Mother Truths:

Rated G

Rated G Louise

A WOMAN'S LIFE

Rated G

This was forwarded as good advice for women...

Rated G Ladies at Lunch

Rated G Ladies At Lunch

Rated G Stephanie in Bridgeport

My greatest fear is there is no such thing as [b]PMS

Rated PG Captain Silver

Rated G Nancy In Hastings-On-Hudson

Things That Become Evident When a Baby Arrives

Rated G Sue Bee

SOONER OR LATER

Rated G The Ladies At Lunch

Rated G Sue Bee

Magic

Rated G PG

A Woman's Prayer:

Rated G The Ladies at Lunch

Mary:

Rated G Sue Bee

Rated G Becky

Why Women are Cranky

Rated G The Ladies at Lunch

Rated PG

Rated G

Mary:

Rated G

Rated G The Ladies at Lunch

Rated G Ladies at Lunch

Rated G The Ladies at Lunch

Mary:

Rated G The Ladies at Lunch

Jill:

Rated G

Rated G

Rated G

IN PRAISE OF OLDER WOMEN

Rated G The Ladies at Lunch

Rated R The Ladies at Lunch

Jill:

Rated G

Rated R The Ladies at Lunch

Rated G The Ladies at Lunch

Rated X The Ladies at Lunch

Jill:

Rated G The Ladies at Lunch

Mary:

Rated PG The Ladies at Lunch

Jill:

Rated G The Ladies at Lunch

Rated PG The Ladies Having Martini's

Jill:

Rated G

Rated G

Rated G The Ladies at Lunch

Jill:

Rated PG JJ on the Pacific Rim

Twenty Clues a Woman Should Call it a Night.

Rated G The Ladies at Lunch

Rated G Little Boy Lost

Rated G The Ladies at Lunch

Rated G

Rated G The Ladies at Lunch

Rated G The Ladies at Lunch

Mary:

Rated G Sue Bee The Ladies at Lunch


Four Little Words

Rated G The Ladies at Lunch

Rated G The Ladies at Lunch

Rated G Ladies at Brunch

Rated PG From a

Rated PG

Rated G The Ladies at Lunch

Rated G

Advice From Sassy Women

Rated R The Ladies at Lunch

Rated PG The Ladies Having Cocktails

Rated G A Woman's Prayer

Rated G

A LADY DESERVES TO BE TOLD THIS

Rated G

Rated PG Ladie at Lunch

Rated G

Politically Correct Woman:

Rated G The Ladies at Lunch

Mary:

Rated Ladies At Lunch

Rated R for bad language!

Rated G

Why Beer Is Better Than Women

Rated G

50 Reasons To Be A Woman

Rated G Janine

Rated G

Rated PG

Rated G

Rated G Sue Bee

Rated G Janine

Pearl(on phone):

Rated G Ladies at Lunch

Mary:

Rated PG JJ On The Pacific Rim

Ladies vs Real Women

Rated G Ladies at Lunch

Rated G Michele

As I grow in age,I value women who are over 40 most of all. Here
are just a few reasons why:

Rated G Michele

Remember when:

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Why were hurricanes orginally named after women?

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Every Woman Should Know...

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Rated G Ladies at Lunch

Jill:

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Five Secrets for women for a successful relationship

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Rated G The Ladies At Lunch

Mary:

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Why Women Are Crabby

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BEHIND EVERY SUCCESSFUL WOMAN IS HERSELF

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What's in a name?

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Rated G Ed in Aurora, Ont

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Rated G Faye in Kingston, Ontario

Great Quotes by Great Ladies!

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Sadie and Sophie are sitting at the kitchen table, bragging.

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Rated G Michele The Ladies at Lunch


Mary:

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Rated PG Tammy

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Rated G Michele The Ladies at Lunch

Jill:

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Rated G The Ladies at Lunch

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Rated PG Denny in Yonkers

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Jill:

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Rated G The Ladies at Lunch

Jill:

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A Woman's Dictionary

Rated G Bill In London

What I learned about women from reading PlayBoy

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Mary:

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Woman Shopper's Prayer