These 3 guys that are really good friends decide to go out together one night to the whore-house for blow-jobs. One is rich, one is middle-class, one is poor. They go in and the mistress greets them at the door. "How can I help you fine gentlemen?"

One says, "We want blow-jobs done. How much do they cost?"

She replies, "Well, we have levels of how good you can get it, there's a $10 job, a $30 job, and a $50 job."

The poor guy says, "I'll go first then...I want a $10 job." So she takes him in the back room, and when he comes out he has a huge smile on his face. The other guys ask, "What'd she do? What'd she do?"

"Oh, it was great. She put whipped cream all over me and sucked me dry."

So the middle-class guy goes next, and gets the $30 job. When he comes out he also has a huge smile on his face. The guys ask, "What'd she do?"

"Oh, it was wonderful! She put whipped cream and nuts on me, then she nibbled and sucked me dry!"

So the rich guy is all excited, he decides to get the $50 job. She takes him in the back room, and when he comes back out he's all hunched over and groaning in pain. "Help me!" he cries.

So the two friends grab him to keep him from falling over and say, "What happened? What's wrong with you?"

"Oh it was terrible," he moaned. "It started out so good...she put whipped cream and chocolate and nuts on me...ugh! Ouch..."

"Yeah? And then what?" They looked at him eagerly.

"Damn thing looked so good I tried to eat it myself!"
 

The pretty young lady was having tooth pulled. The dentist gave her the usual "This won't hurt a bit" routine as he bent forward to begin.

He immediately drew back in complete alarm.

"Miss," he said in a barely audible whisper, "You have hold of my testicles!"

"Yes, doc, I know," she smiled, "and we aren't going to hurt each other, are we?"

This out-of-work guy goes to see his doctor with a strange complaint. It seems that his penis has turned orange and he is very concerned about it.

Upon examination, the doctor asks, "How long have you had this condition?"

Guy: "Ever since I've been out of work."

Doc: "Well, what have you been doing in your time off?"

Guy: "Not too much, just watching pornos and eating Cheetos…"

 

Last night, my friends and I went to a gay night club. One
of the my friends wanted to impress the rest of us, so he pulled out
a $10 bill. When the male dancer came over to us, my friend licked
the $10 bill and stuck it to his butt cheek!

Not to be outdone, another friend pulls out a $20 bill.
He calls the dancer back over,
licks the $20 bill, and sticks it to his other butt cheek.

In another attempt to impress the rest of us,
my third friend pulls out a $50 bill and calls the guy over,
and licks the bill. I'm worried about the way things are going,
but fortunately he just stuck it to one of the dancer's butt cheeks, again.

My relief was short lived. Seeing the way things are going,
the dancer gyrates over to me! Now everyone's
attention is focused on me, and the guy's egging me on to try to
top the $50.

My brain was churning as I reached for my wallet.
What could I do? I got out my ATM card, swiped it
down the crack of his butt, grabbed the $80 bucks, and went home.

One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is
wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with the devil...
Satan: Why so glum?
Guy: What do you think? I'm in hell!
Satan: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down
here. You a drinking man?
Guy: Sure, I love to drink.
Satan: Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays that's
all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers,
diet tab and colas. We drink till we throw up and then we
drink some more! And we don't worry about getting a
hangover because you're dead anyway.
Guy: Gee, that sounds great!
Satan: You a smoker?
Guy: You better believe it!
Satan: All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest
cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If
you get cancer-no big deal, you're already dead, remember?
Guy: Wow... that's awesome!
Satan: I bet you like to gamble.
Guy: Why yes, as a matter of fact I do.
Satan: Cause Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps,
Blackjack, Roulette, Poker, Slots. If you go bankrupt...
you're dead anyhow.
What about drugs??
Guy: Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don't mean...
Satan: That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a
great big bowl of crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size
of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, you're
dead, who cares.
Guy: WOW! I never realized Hell was such a cool place!
Satan: You gay?
Guy: No...
Satan: Oooooh, you're gonna HATE Fridays.

 

A 15 (18-21 PC) year old boy has sex for the first time. He comes home and tells
his mom. His mom is so angry she sends him up to his room. Then
meets him up there and starts yelling at him telling him he is too
young to have sex at 15. The father walks in the door
and hears all this noise coming out of the boy's room, walks up to the
room and asks what's going on? His wife tells him that their son
had sex for the first time and he's only 15.

The father replies that he will handle this so the mother leaves the room.
Quietly the father says to his son that its all right… "I had sex for the first time when
I was 15 also... I'm proud of you. You're now becoming a man. In fact,
lets go out and buy that bike you wanted with that nice leather seat."
The boy replies, "OK dad, but can I wait a couple of days to ride
it because my butt still really hurts!!!!!"

These two buddies are sitting at the bar in a singles' club and
talking about another guy sitting at the other end of the bar.
"I don't get it," complained the first guy, "He's not good looking, he has absolutely no
taste in clothes, and he drives a beat up wreck of a car, yet he always
manages to go home with the most beautiful women here!"
"Yeah," replies his buddy, "He's not even a very good conversationalist;
…all he does is sit there and lick his eyebrows."

 

An couple, both age 67, went to a sex therapist's office.
The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"
The man said, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"
The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple finished, the
doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have
intercourse," and charged them £50. This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave. Finally the doctor asked,
"Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"
The old man said, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's
married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to
mine "The Holiday Inn charges £90. The Hilton charges £108. We do it
here for £50, and - I get £43 back from BUPA."

Here is a little gem that can be typed as a business letter and mailed off to that one person who pissed you off!

TROJAN CONDOM COMPANY, INC.
6969 SLIPPERY ROOT DRIVE
DROPTROWSER, CA 94537

Dear Mr.______

We regret to inform you that we have rejected your application to model and represent our product, TROJAN CONDOMS.

Although your general physical appearance is not displeasing, our Board of Directors feels that your wearing of our product in the advertisement does not protray a positive, romantic image. A loose, baggy and wrinkled condom is NOT considered romantic.

We did admire your efforts to try and firm it up by using Polygrip, but even it slipped off before we could gett the photographs taken. We would like to note, however, that yours is the first we've seen that looked like a bicycle grip.

We appreciate your interest and thank you for your time. We will retain your application for future consideration, if by chance we decide there is a market for micro-mini condoms.

We send greetings to your wife and/or girlfriend along with our deepest sympathy.

Yours very truly
TROJAN CONDOM COMPANY, INC

Burley Dick
President

p.s. Remember our slogan:

Cover your stump before you hump.
Don't be silly, protect your willie.
Before you attack her, wrap your whacker.
If you're not going to sack it, go home and whack it!!!!
 

FROM A CARTOON:

it aint easy being a DICK! I've got a head that I can't think with...an eye I can't see out of...I have to hang around two nuts all the time...my closest neighbor is an ASSHOLE...my best friend is a PUSSY, and every time I get excited, I throw UP!
 

Three men were walking aimlessly in the desert.

They came upon a castle, dying of thirst they decided to go into the castle. Inside they found no men, just dozens of beautiful women. The three men decided to stay (obviously, what man wouldn't).

For a week they enjoyed themselves having sex many times a day with the many beautiful women.

After a week, the king of the castle and his army of men came back. As he walked into his castle he found the three men with his women. Pissed off the king ordered his army to capture the three men and line them up against the wall.

Then the king said that each of them would be serverly punished according to their occupation.

The king goes up the the first man and demands to know his occupation.

The first man replies..."Fireman."

The king tells his army, "Burn off his penis."

Then he walked over to the second man and asked his occupation.

Hesitating the man said...."I...I...I...I'm a police officer."

The king ordered, "Shoot off his penis."

Then finally the King asks the third man his occupation.

With a huge smile on his face the man replied, "Lollipop salesman."
 

A really old man goes into a chemist shop and asks for a packet of condoms.

The chemist looks at him and suggests that the old man would be far too old to require the use of a condom.

The old man replies "Its the old Lady, she likes the smell of burning rubber."
 

The AMA recently approved a generic form of Viagara. Its called Mycocksarisen!
 

A little boy and his father were walking through a field when the came across two dogs doing the nasty.

The boy, very curious about what was happening, turned to his father and asked him what they were doing.

The father, trying to make his answer assubtle as possible replied, "They are making puppies."

Later that night the little boy awoke from his sleep and wanted a drink of water.

He walked over to his parents room and caught them screwing. The boy, not knowing what was happening, asked his father what they were doing.

The father replied, "We are making you a little brother."

To this the boy said, "Turn mom over, I'd rather have a puppy!"
 

Two couples were playing cards. John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed that Bill's wife wasn't wearing any underwear! Shocked by this, John hit his head on the table and
emerged red-faced.

Later, John went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bill's wife followed him and asked, "Did you see anything that you liked under there?"

John admitted that, well, yes, he did.

She said "You can have it, but it will cost you $100." After a minute or two, John indicates that he is interested. She tells him that since Bill works Friday afternoons and John doesn't, John should come to her house around 2:00 pm on Friday.

Friday came and John went to her house at 2:00 pm. After paying her $100 they went to the bedroom, had sex and then John left. Bill came home about 6:00 pm. He asked his wife, "Did John come by this afternoon?"

Reluctantly, she replied, "Yes, he did stop by for a few minutes."

Next Bill asked, "Did John give you $100?"

She thinks 'Oh hell, he knows!' Finally she says, "Well,yes... he did give me $100."

"Good," Bill says. "John came by the office this morning and borrowed $100 from me. He said that he would stop by our house on his way home and pay me back
 

There once was a young woman who went to confession. Upon entering the confessional she said, "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned." The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven."

The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times."

The priest thought long and hard and then said, "Take seven lemons and squeeze them into a glass and then drink the juice.

The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"

"No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face."
 

A woman went to a lingerie shop and decided she wanted to surprise her husband that night with a nice pair of crotchless underwear.

When her husband came home later that night, she was laying on the sofa with her legs sprawled out so her husband could see her new underwear.

She said, "Hey, do you want some of this?"

To which her husband replied, "Hell no! It's already ate a hole in your underwear!"
 

A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast.

"You aren't so good in bed either!" he shouted and stormed off to work.

By midmorning, he decided he'd better make amends and phoned home.

After many rings, his wife picked up the phone.

"What took you so long to answer, dear?"

"I was in bed."

"What were you doing in bed this late?"

"Getting a second opinion."
 

Maria had just got married and being a traditional Italian, she was still a virgin. So, on her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was nervous. But her mother reassured her. "Don't worry, Maria. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take care of you." So up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says, Mama, Mama, Tony's got a big hairy chest."

"Don't worry, Maria," says the mother," all good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you."

So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again, Maria ran downstairs to her mother. "Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants and he's got hairy legs!"

"Don't worry. All good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take good care of you." So up she went again. When she got up there, Tony took off his socks and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Maria saw this, she
ran downstairs. "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a foot and a half!"

"Stay here and stir the pasta," says the mother. "This is a job for Mama."
 

This comes from a cartoon:

A little boy and a little girl. The little girl has her dress pulled up, and has no panties on. The little boy responds "Oh ya, well if it is one, then lets hear it MEOW!"

 

A man and his wife are down & out, so come nightfall the wife stands on the corner in the bad part of thier town.  

So the husband drives his wife to the corner and says "I will meet you here at At 6:00AM.  

Well, the next morning the husband comes to the corner and picks up his wife then asks her "how much did you make?"  

She said "$40.50"  

The husband said

"What!?!?!?!? .......who gave you fifty cents?"

And she said "All of them."   
 

Movie Theatre

One night, two female friends went to an R rated movie with nudity and sexual scenes.

They were sitting beside an overly horny guy who was touching himself repeatedly.

Finally, one of the women said to the other, "Hey, Sarah, the guy beside me is masturbating!"

Her friend said, "Don't worry about it, just ignore him!" T

Then the first woman replied, "I can't.... He's using my hand!"
 

An out of work gentleman had answered the sex shop's job advertisement and was being interviewed by the shop's owner. "So, have you had any experience in this line of work?" asked the shop owner.

"No, none," said the applicant.

"Well, that's okay," the owner said, and proceeded to tell the young man that he was due in a meeting shortly and that he would have the run of the shop to himself for a while.

"Wait a minute," the applicant said. "I just told you I don't have any experience."

"That's okay," said the owner. "All you have to have really is a little knowledge about dildos. For instance......this white one here is 10 inches long and costs 15 dollars. And this black one is 15 inches long and costs 25 dollars."

The young man thought to himself for a minute and told the owner he could handle it. No sooner had the owner stepped out for his meeting, then an attractive lady walked into the shop. "Excuse me sir, could you help me find a dildo?", she asked.

"Why of course," the young man said. "We have a white one here that is 10 inches long and costs 15 dollars. And we have a black one beside it that is 15 inches long and costs 25 dollars."

The lady looked them over and said, "they're both nice, but how much is that plaid one up on the top shelf?"

"Oh," the man explained, "that one is 50 dollars."

"I'll take it," she said, and walked out of the shop with her new purchase.

An hour or so later, the owner returned and asked his new helper how his first day was. "Did you sell any dildos," he asked.

"No," the young man answered, "but I got 50 bucks for my thermos."
 

Once, this man wanted to go get drunk with his buddies, but he told them he wouldn't be able to make it because his wife would be mad, which meant no sex.

The guy's friends told him to have a few beers, go home, and give his wife oral sex, no questions asked.

He agreed, had a few drinks, and headed home to see if the plan would work.

He slid under the covers, and proceeded in giving his wife oral sex. She was moaning and groaning, and he though, "Yep, I am off the hook now!"

After he was done, he went into the bathroom, where his wife was brushing her teeth. "How did you do that?" He questioned loudly.

His wife cut him off, "Shh... You'll wake my mother up!"
 

A little boy wanted to know what a vagina looks like, so he asked his father.

"Well," his father said, "before sex, a vagina is like a beautiful pink flower with soft satiny petals and a wonderful aroma."

His father was silent for a moment, and the boy asked, "What does it look like after sex?"

After thinking for a minute, his father said, "Well, have you ever seen a bulldog eat mayonnaise?"
 

A very flat-chested woman finally decided she needed a bra and set out to the mall in search of one in her size. She entered an expensive department store and approached the sales lady in lingerie, "Do you have a size 28 AAAAA bra?" The clerk haughtily replied in the negative

So she left the store and proceded to another department store where she was given similar treatment.

After a third try at another department store in the mall, she was very frustrated. Leaving the mall, she drove to K-Mart. Marching up to the sales clerk, she unbuttoned and threw open her blouse, yelling, "Do you have anything for this?" The lady looked closely at her and replied, "Have you tried Clearasil?"
 

A prostitute walks in a H&R block to do her taxes,so she sits down and, the man starts asking her for information and, he starts with "ok how old are you"?

She tells him "25" then he says "ok where do you live"? she tells him "New York" then he proceeds to get all this info. about her then he asks "what do you do"? and she looks around and whispers "I am a whore" the man says "WHAT? Lady I can't put that into the computer"

She says, "Well I am sorry I don't know what else to tell you".

He says "You have to think of something else or we can't go on"

She says " well.......let's see............I KNOW I am a chicken farmer"

Then he goes " Ha what makes you think your a chicken farmer?"

She says "Well...last year I raised over a thousand cocks."
 

There are two old-maid sisters...both virgins.

It's Friday night and Gladys looks at Betty and says, "I'm not going to die a virgin...I'm going out and I'm not coming home 'til I've been laid!!"

Betty says, "Well, make sure you're home by 10 so I don't worry about you."

10 o'clock rolls around and there's no sign of Gladys...11 o'clock...12 o'clock....

Finally about One Fifteen, the front door flies open. In runs Gladys, straight to the bathroom.

Betty goes and knocks on the door, "Are you okay, Gladys?"

No answer, so she opens the door and there sits Gladys with her panties around her ankles, legs spread, and her head stuck between her legs looking at herself.

"What is it, Gladys? What's wrong?" asks Betty.

"Betty, it was 10 inches long when it went in...and 5 when it came out.
When I find the other half you're gonna have the time of your life!"
 

A young man was dating a woman that he wanted to go to bed with in the worst possible way. He FINALLY talks her into a "quickie".

As they were crawling back into the front seat of the car after the deed, he said, "If I had known you were a virgin, I would have taken more time."

To which she replied, "If I had known you had more time, I would have taken off my pantyhose."
 

A woman went to the doctor because her husband did not want to have sex with her anymore.

She was worried there might be something wrong with him or her.

So the doctor said "Here, take this pill and put it in some of his mashed potatoes tonight when you eat super. I dont know if it will work and if it does work I dont know how strong it will be."

The lady said, "Thats ok! I will do ANYTHING for sex."

So later that night she put it in his mashed potatoes.

The next day she went back to the doctor and he asked her how everything went.

She goes "It was great Doctor, he pushed all of the dishes to the floor and we had the best sex we have had in months! I loved it!"

The doctor said, "Well if you broke anything then I will pay for it."

The lady said, "No that won't be necissary because I dont think that we will be going back to that restaurant anymore anyways!!!"
 

funny stuff Mark

Q. What doesn't belong in this list: Meat, Eggs, Wife, Blowjob?
A. Blowjob: You can beat your meat, eggs or wife, but you can't beat a blowjob.

Q. Why does a penis have a hole in the end?
A. So men can be open minded.

Q: What's the speed limit of sex?
A: 68 because at 69 you have to turn around.

Q. What do a Rubix cube and a penis have in common?
A. The longer you play with them, the harder they get.

Q. What's the difference between your paycheck and your cock?
A. You don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck!

Q. Three words to ruin a man's ego...
A. "Is it in?"

Q. How does a guy know if he has a high sperm count?
A. If the girl has to chew, before she swallows.

Q. What do you get when you cross Raggedy Ann and thePillsbury Dough Boy?
A. A red headed bitch with a yeast infection.

Q. How can you tell when an auto mechanic just had sex?
A. One of his fingers is clean.

Q. What's the biggest fish in the world?
A. A whore, if you catch one you can eat her formonths.

Q. Whats the difference between parsley and pussy?
A. Nobody eats parsley.

Q. What's green, slimy and smells like Miss Piggy?
A. Kermits Finger

Q: What do you do with 365 used rubbers?
A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.

Q. What does bungee jumping and hookers have in common?
A. They both cost a hundred bucks and if the rubberbreaks, you're screwed.
 

Joe was moderately successful in his career, but as he got older he was increasingly hampered by incredible headaches. When his personal hygiene and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help. After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across a doctor who offered a solution:

"The good news is that I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine. The pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, his mind was clear, but he felt like he was
missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He walked past a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need-a new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."

The salesman eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44 long."

Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"

"It's my job.", the salesman said.

Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"

Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."

The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see 34 sleeve and ... 16 and a half neck."

Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"

"It's my job."

Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?"

Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure."

The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see... 9 and a half ... wide."

Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?"

"It's my job."

Joe was feeling great, when the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?"

Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure."

The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see ...size 36."

Joe laughed, "No, I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old."

The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. It would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.
 

Joe dies and goes to heaven, where upon entering the pearly gates, he sees his neighbor and friend Kent.

"Hey Joe!" exclaims Kent. "I'm surprised to see you here!"

"Yeah, me too!" replies Joe. "So I guess we're both dead, huh! Say Kent, how did you die?"

Kent replies, "I died of hypothermia. How about you?"

"Well," starts Joe, "I was sure that my wife was cheating on me, so I rushed home from work, barged in the door and while yelling at her, I tore the house up searching for a lover. After I failed to find anyone there, I was so ashamed and heartbroken to
have put my wife through my rantings, that I had a heart attack and died."

"That's too bad," says Kent. "If you had looked in the deep freeze, then maybe we'd both still be alive."
 

A ship goes out to sea and sinks in a storm. Five men and one woman survive the ordeal by using a raft to float to a deserted island.

After several weeks on the island, they all begin feeling extremely lonely and horny. The all discuss their feelings, and come to an agreement. Each man will have the woman for one week at a time.

So, the first man has the woman for one week. Then, the second man has her for the second week, and so on. This goes on for over two years, and everyone is happy with the plan. Each man gets sex every fifth week, and the woman gets a great variety of delights.

A few weeks into the third year, though, the woman suddenly dies.

Needless to say, the first week following her death is pretty bad. The second week is even worse. The third week is bad beyond words. The fourth week is just awful.
The fifth week is unbearable...

In fact, by the sixth week, it's getting so bad that they decide to bury her. : p
 

A young boy on his way home from school must pass by a group of hookers.

Everyday as he passes them, the hookers wave at him with their pinkies and
say, "Hi there little boy!"

One day the boy stops and asks one of the hookers why they always wave at
him with their pinkies.

They reply, "Well, that is what size we imagine your penis to be...it is just a joke!"

The next day on his way home, the hookers repeat the tradition.

The young boy stops and drops his school books on the ground, sticks all his fingers
in his mouth to stretch his lips very wide and says, "HI THERE LADIES!"
 

The madam opened the brothel door to see an elderly Jewish man.

His clothes were all disheveled and he looked needy. "Can I help you?" the
madam asked.

"I want Natalie," the old man replied.

"Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies, perhaps someone else..." "No, I must see Natalie."

Just then Natalie appeared and announced to the old man that she charges
$1,000 per visit.

The man never blinked and reached into his pocket and handed her ten $100 bills.
The two went up to a room for an hour where upon the man calmly left.

The next night he appeared again demanding Natalie.

Natalie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row and that there were no discounts... it was still $1,000.

Again the old man took out the money, the two went up to the room and he calmly left an hour later.

When he showed up the third consecutive night, no one could believe it.

Again he handed Natalie the money and up to the room they went. At the end
of the hour Natalie questioned the old man:

"No one has ever used my services three nights in a row... where are you from?"

The old man replied, "I am from Minsk."

"Really?" replied Natalie, "I have a sister who lives there."

"Yes, I know," said the old man. "She gave me $3,000 to give to you."
 

Riddles     

How many male chauvinists does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They let the bitch do it after she finishes the dishes.

How many women does it take to change a light bulb?
None, they just sit there in the dark and bitch.

Why do men fart more than women?
Because women won't shut up long enough to build up pressure.

Why did God give men penises?
So we'd always have at least one way to shut a woman up!

How do you know God meant for men to eat pussy?
Why else would he make it look like a taco?

How can you tell if you've been fucking your girl too much?
Stick your thumb in her asshole and your middle finger up her snatch. If you can hear yourself snap your fingers, ease off a little.

What are the small bumps around a woman's nipples for
It's braille for "suck here".

Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.

What do you call pulling off a woman's panty hose?
Foreplay.

Did you hear about the guy who finally figured out women?
He died laughing before he could tell anybody.

Did you hear about the woman so fat she couldn't get out of bed?
She kept rocking herself back to sleep.

Why is a woman like a dog turd?
The older she is, the easier it is to pick up.

What's the difference between a woman and a toilet?
A toilet doesn't follow you around once you've used it.

How does a woman know that she is overweight?
She's lying at the beach and people from Greenpeace try to push her back into the sea.   
 

The Price of Adultery       

A couple have been married for a very long time, and so the wife starts to have an affair.  

After this has been going on for about a week, however, the husband walks in on his wife and her boyfriend in bed together.  The husband immediately grabs the stark-naked boyfriend and leads him out to the tool shed in the back garden.  

He then proceeds to secure the boyfriend's dick in a vice.  

When he then puts a saw next to the boyfriend, the terrified man asks "Are you going to cut of my dick???".

"No, but you are!" he replies, and then sets the shed on fire.   
 

Once there was a white and a black man who worked together and had became pretty good friends. So, one day The black man (Joe), asked his white co-worker (Steve) why he was so happy every morning he came into work. Steve told him he has sex every morning before he leaves for work. Joe repiled damn how do you
do that? Steve said I tell my wife a different poem every day and it gets her horny as hell, Joe said Wow I'll have to try that, So tell me one of your poems. Steve said, ok here's her favorite. " Blondie, Blondie, eyes so blue I wanna make sweet love to you".

So, Joes comes into work the next day really pissed off with a black eye, and steve asked, what the hell happened. Joe said well, I told her a poem and she fucking went off and hit me!! Steve said well, what did you say. Joe said i told her the best/truest poem I could think of, "Nappy hair, Nappy hair, eyes like a frog I wanna bend you over and fuck you like a dog".....
 

Peter decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Peter's station wagon and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm house and asked the attractive lady of the house if they could spend the night.

"I'm recently widowed," she explained, "and I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."

"Not to worry," Peter said, "we'll be happy to sleep in the
barn."

Nine months later, Peter got a letter from the widow's attorney. He then went up to visit his friend Bob and said, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow at the farm we stayed at?"

"Yes, I do."

"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and have sex with her?"

"Yes, I have to admit that I did."

"Did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"

Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, I'm afraid I did."

"Well, thanks! She just died and left me everything!"
 

With Viagra such a hit, Pfizer is bringing forth a whole line of
drugs oriented toward improving the performance of men in
today's society.
Here's a list of what's on the drawing board:

DIRECTRA: A dose of this drug given to men before leaving on car
trips caused 72 percent of them to stop to ask directions when
they got lost, compared to 0.2 percent of a control group.

PROJECTRA: Men given this experimental new drug were far more
likely to actually finish a household repair project before
starting a new one.

CHILDAGRA: Men taking this drug reported a sudden, overwhelming
urge to perform more child care tasks - especially cleaning up
spills and "little accidents."

COMPLIMENTRA: In clinical trials, 82 percent of middle-aged men
who were given this drug noticed that their wives had a new
hairstyle. It is currently being tested to see if its effects
extend to noticing new clothing.

BUYAGRA: Married and otherwise attached men reported a sudden
urge to buy their sweethearts expensive jewelry and gifts after
taking this drug for only two days. Still to be seen: Whether
the drug can be continued for a period longer than your favorite
store's return period.

NEGA-VIAGRA: Has the opposite effect of Viagra. Currently
undergoing clinical trials on sitting U.S. Presidents.

NEGA-SPORTAGRA: This drug had the strange effect of making men
want to turn off televised sports and actually converse with
other family members.

FLATULAGRA: This complex drug converts men's noxious intestinal
gases back into food solids. Special bonus: Dosage can be
doubled for long car rides.

FLYAGRA: This drug has been showing great promise in treating
men with O.F.D. (Open Fly disorder). Especially useful for men
on Viagra.

PRYAGRA: About to fail its clinical trial, this drug gave men in
the test group an irresistible urge to dig into the personal
affairs of other people. Note: Apparent overdose turned three
test subjects into "special prosecutors."

LIAGRA: This drug causes men to be less than truthful when being
asked about their sexual affairs. Will be available in Regular,
Grand Jury, and Presidential Strength versions.

Note: These appeared in the Memphis, TN _Commercial Appeal_ on
Wednesday, 12 May, 1998.
 

A pilot was forced to make a crash landing in a farmer's field. The farmer took the pilot back to the farmhouse, where the pilot noticed the farmer had a golden fiddle hanging above the fireplace. The two men were standingthere talking when the farmers wife came down the steps. The pilotcouldn't believe how beautiful she was. He asked the farmer, "how can you trust her to be here by herself all day, while you go out and work the fields?"

The farmer said, "I trust my wife, she's never been unfaithful."

The pilot then says, "I'll make you a little bet. If I take your wife upstairs she'll be unfaithful. If not, you can have my plane. But, if she is, I get your fiddle."

The farmer thought a little bit and said, "It's a deal."

So, the pilot and the farmers wife go upstairs. About a half hour passes, and the farmer picks up the fiddle and starts playing it.

He sings: "Be true to me, Be true to me, Be true for just one hour. Be true to me, Be true to me, And his airplane will be ours."

Another fifteen minutes pass, and suddenly he sees his wife coming down the stairs. He asks her if she stayed true to him. She walked over, picked up the fiddle, started playing it, and sang:

"He kissed me on the lips,
He kissed me on the tits,
He kissed me in the middle.
He kissed a spot that you forgot,
and you lost your fucking fiddle."
 

"Doctor," the embarrassed man said, "I have a sexual problem. I can't get it up for my wife anymore."

The doctor said, "Mr. Thomas, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I can do."

The next day the worried fellow returned with his wife. "Take off your clothes, Mrs. Thomas," the doctor said.

"Now turn all the way around. Lie down please. Uh-huh, I see. Ok, you may put your clothes back on."

The doctor took the husband aside. "You're in perfect health," he said, "Your wife didn't give me an erection, either."
 

This man was very horny, but he did not have a girlfriend, so he went to a nearby cathouse. 

The madame there said "All of my girls are taken, but for $50.00 you can have this six foot chicken." 

So the guy thought for a moment and finally decided to give it a try. 

The next night he got to thinking about the chicken and decided to go back. 

The madame informed him that the chicken was no longer there, but for $20.00 he could go into a room and peep through a hole and take care of himself. 

So the guy said okay and she led him to a room where a few other guys were already peeping. 

When he looked through the hole he saw a couple having a good time on the other side. 

So he leaned over to the guy next to him and said "Hey, that looks pretty good in there, huh?" 

The guy said "Yeah, but that is nothing.  You should have been here last night.  There was a guy doing a six foot chicken!"
 

Robin Hood  

You've heard the tale of Robin Hood
And how he did the poor people good
But there is more to this famous story
Of Sherwood Forests pride and glory

At night when all the robbing was done
The merry men would have some fun
In fact it would be fair to say
The merry men were rather gay

As Little John starts to unwind
Robin took him from behind
And as they frolic in the grass
Robin rammed it up his ass

One night when they were all at play
A gorgeous maiden came their way
She sauntered up to Friar Tuck
And said I'm Marion wanna fuck

The Friar couldn't believe his ears
She's offering sex to us old queers
While he recovered from the shock
Robin presented her with his cock

Marion clothes were off in a flash
The merry men all had a bash
For Marion this was all sheer bliss
As they filled her every orifice

When it was done she gave a whine
Thank you boys for a lovely time
But for the pleasure you must pay
I've got the pox now have a nice day

Now listen here said Friar Tuck
We don't really give a fuck
The laughs on you you stupid cow
We've all got aids so who's fucked now!
 

A few months after his parents were divorced, little Mattie passed his mum's bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, "I need a man, I need a man". 

Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times.  One day Mattie came home from school and heard her moaning again.  When he peeked into the bedroom, he saw a man on top of her.

Little mattie ran to his room, took off his clothes. threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself and moaned, "ohh, I need a bike, I need a bike!"
 

Two people (girlfiend and boyfriend) went to the girlfriends house and she says "want to come in" and he says "sure."

They go in and the girlfriend says lets go up to my bed, and theboyfriend says sure.

The girl says we have bunk beds and he says cool.

She told him, "If I want you to push harder I will say balony and if I want you to stop I will say salomy."

So they go up and the girl starts saying bologna, salogmi, bologna, salogmi and then the young sister wakes up and says, "stop making sandwiches you guys are dropping the mayonnaise all over me!"
 

A boy walks in on his parents having sex.

Curious, he asks "What are you doing?"

Dad replies, "You know how you always wanted a little brother? I'm putting one in your mom."

The next day the dad comes home and sees the his son crying on the porch and he asks, "What's wrong?"

The kid answers, "Remember how you put my brother in mommy last night? Well, the mailman came by today and ate it!"
 

A 75 year old woman went to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor told her she needed more activity and recommended sex three times a week.

She says to the doctor, "Please, tell my husband."

The doctor goes out in the waiting room and tells the husband that she needs to have sex three times a week. The 80 year old husband replies, "Which days?"

The doctor says, "How about Monday, Wednesday and Friday?"

The husband says, "I can bring her Monday and Wednesday, but on Fridays she'll have to take the bus."
 

Two little boys were arguing.

"My father is better than your father!"

"No he's not!"

"My brother is better than your brother!"

"No he's not!"

"My mother is better than your mother!"

The second boy paused. "Well I guess you've got me there.

My father says the same thing."
 

An elderly widowed gentleman in a nursing home became very friendly with an elderly lady. He told her his former wife used to hold his penis every night to help him go to sleep.

The elderly lady decided to do this for her new male friend every night for a week. Each night he fell soundly asleep. The next week the gentleman told the lady that he was sorry but he had found a new partner. She was very upset and asked him, "What does she have that I don't have?"

He replied, "Parkinsons."
 

one day there was an italian couple. mamma came to pappa and said,"poppa,poppa, we gotta find a code word for when we maka love, the kids are catching on" poppa says, "oh thats silly, but if you wish, then we shall have a code word, how a 'bout awashing machine?"

Momma says, "ok awashing machine it is."

Later that night they both went to bed, poppa leans over to momma taps her on the shoulder and says, "momma,oh momma awashing machine,awashing machine" momma leans over and says, "no,poppa not tonight I have a headache" later on momma gets to thinking, "well poppa a hard working man if he want awashing machine he deserve it, momma leans over taps poppa on the shoulder and says,"poppa, oh poppa awashing machine" poppa says, oh momma don't worry about it, It was a small load I did it by hand.
 

This guy walks into a bar and ask the bartender, "Where can I get fucked?"

The bartender says, "Go across the street to apartment 5b, and tell the
lady that you wanna get fucked."

So the guy goes across the street to the apartment building, finds apartmen 5b, knocks on the door and says, "I wanna get fucked."

A woman says, "Slide 20 dollars under the door."

So the guy slides 20 dollars under the door and waits. After about 5 minutes he says, "I wanna get fucked!" And the woman says, "Again!!!"
 

A young girl comes home to her mother's house and informs her that she is engaged to be married. She says, "Mother, he's wonderful. He's rich beyond our wildest dreams. He has homes in the south of France, Beverly Hills, New York, and about a dozen other cities. He has a 200 ft yacht, Ferraris, Rolls Royces, and a jet airplane. There is only one problem....he says he really likes anal sex, and I know how you feel about that."

The mother says, "Well I don't know dear. I'm only thinking of your happiness. I'm not sure a man like this will make you happy."

The daughter replies, "Yes but if I marry him, you will never want for another thing as long as you live."

The mother considers this and finally agrees to allow them to marry.

They are married shortly thereafter and go off to their honeymoon. During their honeymoon the mother receives a new house, a new car, and a sizeable pension every month from her
new son-in-law.

Six months later the daughter returns from her honeymoon and she is mad as hell. She fumes, kicks furniture and swears she wants a divorce. Her mother asks her why she is so angry.

"Mother, I want a divorce. The man is an animal. All he ever wants is anal sex. All day, every day. It's constant. Mother do you know that before I was married, my sphincter was the size of a penny, and now it's as big as a silver dollar!"

The mother considers this for a minute and says, "I think you should reconsider dear. Do you really want me to give all this up for a measly 99 cents?"
 

Seven wise men with the knowledge so fine. Created a pussy to their own design.

First, was a Butcher sharp with wit,using a knife created a slit.

Second, was a Carpenter strong and bold, using a chisle created a hole.

Third, was a Taylor tall and thin, using red velvet he lined it within.

Fourth, was a Hunter short and stout, using furr he lined it without.

Fifth, was a Fisherman as naughty as hell, who threw in a fish and gave it a smell.

Sixth, was a Preacher named Macgee, who touched it and blessed it and said it could pee.

Seventh, was a Sailor,A dirty little runt, who fucked it and sucked it and called it a cunt!
 

There is a little boy and his dad out walkin one day when the little boy says" dad can I get a girl friend?"

The dad says when your older!

Five years pass and the boy is 8 years old and he says to his dad "dad can I get a girl friend now?"

The dad replies when you are older.

Five more years pass and the boy is 13. He says to his dad "dad can I get a girl friend NOW?"

The dad finally says " when you are 18"

When the boy reaches 18 he goes out and gets the fittest blonde haired bird there is and brings her home.

She takes him to his bedroom and she starts takin her clothes off!

The boy rushes down stairs and in a panic says" dad the girl is takin her clothes off and getting into my bed!"

The father now exited tell him" STICK YOUR BIGGEST, HAIRIEST
THING in her pussy!"

The boy rushes up stairs and a few minutes later the father hears his son shout " DAD MY HEAD IS STUCK!!!!"
 

Mary is married and has 15 children. One day her husband dies.

A year later she remarries and has 20 more kids. After the last child is born, the second husband dies.

A month later Mary dies as well. At her wake the priest looks tenderly at Mary in her
coffin, looks up to heaven, and says,"Finally,they're together".

A man standing next to the priest asks,"Excuse me,Father,but do you mean her first or second husband?"

The priest grimaces and answers,"I mean her legs."
 

If you go to your first orgy, don't arrive naked.
You have to let nudity "happen"

------------------
I hope that after I die, people will say of me: "That guy sure owed me a lot of money!"
 

We used to laugh at Grandpa when he'd head off and go fishing. But we wouldn't be laughing that evening when he'd come back with some whore he picked up in town.

------------------
I hope that after I die, people will say of me: "That guy sure owed me a lot of money!"
 

A newly married man was discussing his honeymoon.

He says to his buddy at lunch, '' Last night, I rolled over, tapped my beautiful young wife on the shoulder, gave her a wink, and we had ourselves a performance!

Later that night, about 2 o'clock, I rolled over, gave my sweetie a nudge, and we had ourselves another performance.

Well, being so newly married and not yet tired of the task, I waited quietly in bed while my beauty slept until I couldn't wait any longer.

It was 4 o'clock when I gave her a little nudge. She opened her blue eyes and smiled sweetly.

We immediately had ourselves a rehearsal.'' '

'A rehearsal?'' his buddy asks, ''Don't you mean a performance?''

''No, because a rehearsal is when nobody comes''.
 

A young woman experienced car trouble late one afternoon.

Luckily an old man in a tow truck stopped and offered help.

Not knowing the area, she asked if he could repair the car.

He agreed to do it and after hoisting the car up on the truck, the two of them took the car back to the old man's garage.

He looked at the engine and made an estimate about one hundred dollars more than she could pay at the time.

"Darn. Just one hundred dollars? If you weren't such an old guy," she said, "I'd fuck you for the remainder of the bill."

"Hell, I'll show you whose old!" the old man retorted.

"Take off that dress and get on the car."

She giggled as she slipped off her dress and eyed the old man after he dropped his pants.

He was hung like a mule! "Oboy!" she thought. "Not only am I going to get a great discount on the repairs, I'm going to get the hell fucked out of me too."

At that time she noticed the old man placing washers on the base of his dick. "Hey, what are you doing?" the woman asked.

"Hell," the old man replied, "You think for just a hundred dollars, you're gonna get all of this?"
 

There were two deaf people who had to figure out some way of communicating
weather they wanted to have sex or not!

So they thought and thought and finally the girl said, "Ok I have a way! If you want to have sex squeeze my tits once and if you don't want to have sex squeeze my tits twice!"

So the guy thought and thought and finally came up with a way!

He said, "If you want to have sex stroke my dick once and if you dont want to have sex stroke it 50 times!"
 

'I'm sitting on this plane, eating my dinner, when all of a sudden the captain comes on the loudspeaker and tells us that the plane is about to crash land into the mountains.

The next thing I know this woman from the front of the plane jumps up from her seat and starts screaming like a lunatic. ''I can't die today! I WON'T die today! I am twenty-seven years old! I have been on countless dates and no one has ever made me feel like a woman! Please, I don't want to die like this! Is there anyone on this airplane that can make me feel like a woman?''

The entire plane went from hysteria to complete silence.

Then, from the back of the plane, someone stood up. He was a dark, tall, well-built, handsome man. ''I can make you feel like a woman'', was his reply. He started walking slowly down the isle to the woman, who was now shaking with anticipation.

One by one he started unbuttoning his shirt buttons, revealing his rippling stomach muscles. He quickly took his shirt off, slowly reached for her trembling hand, looked in her eyes and said ''Iron this.'''
 

A cowboy out of Texas came to the big apple, New York City. He picked up one of the girls of the night, took her to a hotel for some fun and
relaxation.

They got undressed, got in bed, the chick felt his arms and said,
"Oh what big arms you have." He said, "Yes Mam, every thing grows big in Texas." She felt his sholders and said, "What big sholders you have." He said, "Yes mam, everything grow big in Texas." She felt his dick and said, "What a big dick you have." He said. "Yes mam, everything grow big in Texas." He turned her over, put his dick in her pussy and said, "By the way mam, what part of Texas y'all from?"
 

A little boy wakes up three nights in a row when he hear thumping coming from his parent's room. Finally, one morning he goes to his mom and says, " Mommy, every night I hear you and daddy making noise and when I look in you're bouncing up and
down on him."

His mom is taken by surprise and says. " Oh... well Im bouncing on his stomach because he's fat and that makes him thin again."

The boy says," That won't work."

His mom says, "Why?"

The boy replies. "Because the lady next door comes after you leave each morning and blows him back up again!"
 

Two collage guys go camping in the woods. They get lost and found this cabin, they knock on the door.

A REALLY old woman comes to the door..ugly and wrincled skin... They ask the woman for food and shelter for at least a week..and how you get out of the woods.

The woman says: "As long as you have sex with me every night you stay..because I am very old and dont get it too often.."

The first guy..says..."no"..

The 2nd guy says "okay"...

They go in and eat..then the woman lies down on the bed..naked...and says "okay..lets do it!"

The guy think thinks fast and looks around and out the window there are corn stalks. "okay" he says, "Close your eyes..and I'll show you what I can do"

So she closes her eyes... and the guy reaches out the window and grabs a corn stalk and un-wrapps it to the corn... Then does what he says he would..and throws the corn out the window...

For the following week he does the same thing..every night.. On the last day as they were leaving... The other collage guy says... " Dude, you should have stayed out here, there was warm buttered corn flying out the window all night. !!!!"
 

An upperclass Englishman, picked up a young and beautiful Chinese girl in the London Met Bar. 

After some time spent talking the man invited her to join him back at his place.

The woman watsed no time in showing that she wanted to spend the night with the man and before long they were having fast and furious passionate sex on his bed, the chinese girl began to scream, she repeatedly screamed "asanyaya" at the top of her voice, the man was delighted to be achieving such a wonderful ressponse from his new girl and also began screaming as he came several times inside the girl. 

The next day as the couple woke up together the girl expalined that she had a very close family and that she was keen for him to meet her father. 

The man agreed to join her father and his friends for a round of golf later that day.  The game was going smoothly as the group got to know each other and on the 11th hole the father hit a fantastic hole in one, the father and his friends went wild with delight and rejoiced in Chinese, keen to make a good impression, the boyfriend thought back to his expereience the previous night, and upon remembering his girls screams of delight, he began to shout "asanyaya", "asanyaya" over and over again. 

Suddenly one of the fathers golfing partners turned to the Englishman and said" what do you mean, it was the wrong hole!"
 

Rated X

He doesn't usually help many people so he drives on by. Then he notices that a pretty woman is the driver so he goes back to help.

As he is hooking his truck to her car he says, “You know, you are the first pregnant woman I've ever helped out of a ditch.”

“But I'm not pregnant,” she says.

“Well, you're not out of the ditch yet,” he says. 
 

One evening a mom and dad and two sons are watching TV.

The dad gives the mom a look, and they head upstairs.

The two little boys wonder what they are doing, so they go up to take a peek.

''Well,'' said the older boy, ''remember this when mom gets on your case for sucking your thumb!''
 

101 Things NOT To Say During Sex

But everybody looks funny naked!
You woke me up for that?
Did I mention the video camera?
Do you smell something burning?
(In a janitor's closet) And they say romance is dead...
Try breathing through your nose.
A little rug burn never hurt anyone!
Is that a Medic-Alert Pendant?
Sweetheart, did you lock the back door?
But whipped cream makes me break out.
Person 1: This is your first time... right? Person 2: Yeah... today.
Hurry up! This room rents by the hour!
Can you please pass me the remote control?
Do you accept Visa?
ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
On second thought, let's turn off the lights.
And to think -- I was really trying to pick up your friend!
So much for mouth-to-mouth.
(Using body paint) Try not to leave any stains, okay?
Hope you're as good looking when I'm sober...
(Holding a banana) It's just a little trick I learned at the zoo!
Do you get any premium movie channels?
Try not to smear my make-up, will ya!
(Preparing to incorporate peanut butter) But I just steam-cleaned this couch!
Got any penicillin?
But I just brushed my teeth...
Smile, you're on Candid Camera!
I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs!
I want a baby!
So much for the fulfillment of sexual fantasies!
(In a menage a trois) Why am I doing all the work?
Maybe we should call Dr. Ruth...
Did you know the ceiling needs painting?
I think you have it on backwards.
When is this supposed to feel good?
Put that blender back in the kitchen where it belongs!
You're good enough to do this for a living!
Is that blood on the headboard?
Did I remember to take my pill?
Are you sure I don't know you from somewhere?
I wish we got the Playboy channel...
That leak better be from the waterbed!
I told you it wouldn't work without batteries!
But my cat always sleeps on that pillow..
Did I tell you my Aunt Martha died in this bed?
If you quit smoking you might have more endurance.
No, really... I do this part better myself!
It's nice being in bed with a woman I don't have to inflate!
This would be more fun with a few more people.
You're almost as good as my ex!
Do you know the definition of statutory rape?
Is that you I smell or is it your mattress stuffed with rotten potatoes?
You look younger than you feel.
Perhaps you're just out of practice.
You sweat more than a galloping stallion!
They're not cracker crumbs, it's just a rash.
Now I know why he/she dumped you...
Does your husband own a sawed-off shotgun?
You give me reason to conclude that foreplay is overrated.
What tampon?
Have you ever considered liposuction?
And to think, I didn't even have to buy you dinner!
What are you planning to make for breakfast?
I have a confession...
I was so horny tonight I would have taken a duck home!
Are those real or am I just behind the times?
Were you by any chance repressed as a child?
Is that a hanging sculpture?
You'll still vote for me, won't you?
Did I mention my transsexual operation?
I really hate women who actually think sex means something!
Did you come yet, dear?
I'll tell you who I'm fanatasizing about if you tell me who you're fantasizing about...
A good plastic surgeon can take care of that in no time!
Does this count as a date?
Oprah Winfrey had a show about men like you!
Hic! I need another beer for this please.
I think biting is romantic -- don't you?
You can cook, too right?
When would you like to meet my parents?
Man: Maybe it would help if I thought about someone I really like... Woman: Yourself?
Have you seen ''Fatal Attraction''?
Sorry about the name tags, I'm not very good with names.
Don't mind me.. I always file my nails in bed.
(In a phone booth) Do you mind if I make a few phone calls?
I hope I didn't forget to turn the gas oven off. Do you have a light?
Don't worry, my dog's really friendly for a Doberman.
Sorry but I don't do toes!
You could at least ACT like you're enjoying it!
Petroleum jelly or no petroleum jelly, I said NO!
Keep it down, my mother is a light sleeper...
I'll bet you didn't know I work for ''The Enquirer''.
So that's why they call you Mr. Flash!
My old girlfriend used to do it a LOT longer!
Is this a sin too?
I've slept with more women than Wilt Chamberlain!
Hey, when is it going to be my friend's turn?
Long kisses clog my sinuses...
Please understand that I'm only doing this for a raise...
How long do you plan to be ''almost there''?
You mean you're NOT my blind date?
 

A cowboy walked into a barber shop, sat on the barber's chair and said, "I'll have a shave and a shoe shine."

The barber began to lather his face while a woman with the biggest, firmest, most beautiful breasts that he had ever seen knelt down and began to shine his shoes.

The cowboy said, "Young lady, you and I should go and spend some time in a hotel room."

She replied, "I'm married and my husband wouldn't like that."

The cowboy said, "Tell him you're working overtime and I'll pay you the difference."

She said, "You tell him. He is the one shaving you."

A couple have been married forty years and are revisiting the same placesthey went to on their honeymoon. As they are driving through the secluded countryside, they pass a ranch with a tall deer fence running along the road.

The woman says, "Sweetheart, let's do the same thing we did here forty years ago!"

The guy stops the car. His wife backs against the fence, and he immediately jumps her like a bass on a june bug. They make love like never before.

Back in the car, the guys says, "Darlin', you sure never moved like that forty year ago -- or any time since that I can remember."

The woman says, "Forty years ago that goddamn fence wasn't electrified!"
 

A traveling salesman checked into a futuristic motel. He needed a haircut before his next day's meeting, and he called the desk clerk asking if there was a barber on the premises.

"I'm afraid not, sir," the clerk told him, "but down the hall is a new machine that should serve the purpose."

Skeptical but intrigued, the salesman located the appropriate machine, inserted fifty cents, and stuck his head in the opening. The machine started to buzz and whirl. One minute later the salesman pulled out his head and surveyed his head in the mirror, which reflected the best haircut he ever received in his life.

Adjacent was another machine with a sign that read, "Manicures - 50 cents." "Why not?" thought the salesman. He paid the money, inserted his hands into the slot, and pulled them out one minute later perfectly manicured.

The next machine had a huge sign that read, "This Machine Provides What Men Need Most When Away from Their Wives - cost 50 cents."

The salesman was embarrassed, but he had been away from his wife for two weeks. He looked both ways and saw nobody around so he put in fifty cents, unzipped his pants and stuck his penis into the opening. When the machine started buzzing, the guy let out a shriek of pain and agony.

Fifteen seconds later the machine shut off and, trembling, the salesman withdrew his penis.... It now had a button sewed on the tip. Rated R

A traveling salesman checked into a futuristic motel. He needed a haircut before his next day's meeting, and he called the desk clerk asking if there was a barber on the premises.

"I'm afraid not, sir," the clerk told him, "but down the hall is a new machine that should serve the purpose."

Skeptical but intrigued, the salesman located the appropriate machine, inserted fifty cents, and stuck his head in the opening. The machine started to buzz and whirl. One minute later the salesman pulled out his head and surveyed his head in the mirror, which reflected the best haircut he ever received in his life.

Adjacent was another machine with a sign that read, "Manicures - 50 cents." "Why not?" thought the salesman. He paid the money, inserted his hands into the slot, and pulled them out one minute later perfectly manicured.

The next machine had a huge sign that read, "This Machine Provides What Men Need Most When Away from Their Wives - cost 50 cents."

The salesman was embarrassed, but he had been away from his wife for two weeks. He looked both ways and saw nobody around so he put in fifty cents, unzipped his pants and stuck his penis into the opening. When the machine started buzzing, the guy let out a shriek of pain and agony.

Fifteen seconds later the machine shut off and, trembling, the salesman withdrew his penis.... It now had a button sewed on the tip.
 

This guy gets out of the service, and the bus drops him off in a small Midwestern town. He finds a place to stay and work at a farm nearby, and asks the farmer where he might find some female action. So, the farmer tells him about a whorehouse not far from the farm. The soldier sets out for a romp in the hay.

When he arrives at the whorehouse, he asks the Madame for a lady, to which she replies, "I'm sorry, but all the ladies are quarantined for a few days." Flabbergasted, the soldier says, "I can't believe that! I haven't had any booty in a long time!" The
Madame says, "well, we do have a substitute, and it's $20. Take it or leave it."

He's so desperate he agrees, and she takes his money and sends him down a set of stairs into a small room with nothing in it but a chicken. He says to himself "I can't screw a chicken!" The more he thinks about it, he figures "what the heck?"

So, he climbs on the chicken and romps on it, and after he's finished, he leaves. A couple of days later, he comes back and the girls are still quarantined, so he goes back in with the chicken and gets on it again, enjoying it even more. He does this several times, until one day when he comes in, and the Madame tells him, "I'm sorry, but the chicken died." "It died? Now what am I supposed to do?" The Madame tells him "Go up those stairs, and you'll be taken care of."

He goes up the stairs and there's a bunch of guys pressed up against this big window screaming and hollering, and two women are getting after it on the other side of the glass. He muscles his way in, and they're all going crazy as they watch. He elbows the guy beside him and says, "Isn't this great?"

The guy says, "You should have been here last week! They had some guy down there screwing a chicken!"
 

One day God came to Adam and said, ''I've got some good news and some bad news.''

''Well, give me the good news first.''

''I've got two new organs for you. One is called a brain. It will allow you to be very intelligent, create new things, and have wonderful conversations with Eve. The other organ I have for you is called a penis. It will allow you to reproduce your new intelligent life form and populate this planet.''

Adam, very excited, exclaimed, ''These are great gifts you have given to me. What could possibly be bad news after such great tidings?''

''The bad news is that when I created you, I only gave you enough blood to operate one of these organs at a time.'
 

Jerry Chase was hired to play his trumpet on the score of a movie, and he was excited. He was especially thrilled because he got to take two long solos.

After the sessions, which went wonderfully, Jerry Chase couldn't wait to see the finished product. He asked the producer where and when he could catch the film.

A little embarrassed, the producer explained that the music was for a porno flick that would be out in a month, and he told Jerry where he could go to see it.

A month later, Jerry Chase, with his collar up and wearing glasses, went to the theatre where the picture was playing. He walked in and sat way in the back, next to an elderly couple who also seem to be disguised and hiding. The movie started, and it was the filthiest, most perverse porno flick ever...group sex, S&M, golden showers...and then, halfway through, a dog got in on the action.

Before anyone could blink an eye, the dog has had sex with all the women, in every orifice, and most of the men. Embarrassed, Jerry Chase turned to the old couple and whispered, "I'm only here for the music."

The woman turned to Jerry Chase and whispered back, "That's okay, we're just here to see our dog and hear your music Mr. Jerry Chase."

The hard part for me was getting the damned dog to play second trumpet in tune and continue to play. Bob didn't tell in the story that it used to be his dog, and whenever there was a bitch in heat, the dog would stop playing, yell "Semper Fi!" as loud as he could, and charge. I can't imagine where this behavior came from.

BTW, one of those solos was the "Lost Chord." I never did find the darned thing and I think the dog probably stole it.

It was a fun experience. After the production, the dog and I went out to wet our whistles and the dog was a real wag, telling tails of Bob Maar. The one involving the French Poodle, Bob, and a vat of Jello was especially funny, but you had to hear it told by a dog.

A woman sought the advice of a sex therapist, confiding that she found it increasingly difficult to find a man who could satisfy her, and that it was very wearisome getting in and out of all these short-term relationships.

"Isn't there some way to judge the size of a man's equipment from the outside?" she asked earnestly.

"The only fool proof way," counseled the therapist,"is by the size of his feet."

So the woman went downtown and proceeded to cruise the streets, until she came across a young fellow standing in an unemployment line with the biggest feet she had ever seen.
She took him out to dinner, wined and dined him, and then took him back to her house for an evening of pleasure.When the man woke up the next morning, the woman had already gone out. By the bedside table was a $20 bill and a note that read, "With my compliments, take this money and go out and buy a pair of shoes that fit you
 

Noticing that her boss's fly was open , the embarrassed secretary told him as she left the office, "Your garage door is open."

The bewildered exec didn't know what she meant until a co-worker finally told him what she was referring to.

The next day, he called his secretary into his office and said, "Yesterday when my garage door was open, did you see a long red Cadillac with a hard top?"

"Oh, no," she replied. "It was a little pink Volkswagen with two flat tires up front."
 

Adultery - Two wrong people doing the right thing. 
 

A bloke went to the doctor and said, "I got this sex problem, doc." "Tell me about your average day," said the doctor. "It all starts in the middle of the night. My wife always wakes me up about 3:00 am for nookie and then again about 5 o'clock so we
can spend a couple of hours making love before I go to work."

"Oh I see," said the doc. "No, hang on." said the man, "You see, when I get on the train to work I meet this girl everyday and we get a compartment to ourselves and have sex all the way there."

"Oh...now I see," said the doctor. "No you don't," said our hero. "When I get to work my secretary really fancies me and I have to give her one in the storeroom."

"Oh...now I see," said the doctor. "No no no," he said. "When I go to lunch I meet this dinner lady I'm very fond of and we nip out the back for a quickie."

"Now I understand," said the patient doctor. "No, hang on," said the bloke. "When I get back to work in the afternoon my boss, a very demanding lady I might add, has to have me or she says she'll give me the sack."

"Ahh..." said the doctor, "now I see." "No, there's more." said our man, "When I get home my wife is so pleased to see me she gives me a blow job before dinner and then we have sex afterwards."

"What's your problem then?" asked the doctor. "Well..." said our hero, "it hurts when I masturbate."
 

Mom and little girl at the toys counter. Christmas rush.

Little girl: "Mom, I want Barbie with G.I. Joe".

Mom: "Sweetie, you know Barbie comes with Ken...".

Little girl: "No, Mom, Barbie FAKES with Ken, Barbie COMES with G.I. Joe!"
 

Matt and his secretary are having an affair.

They decide to leave the office early one day and go to the secretary's apartment for an afternoon of lovemaking.

They fall asleep and don't wake up until 8PM later that night.

They quickly get dressed and the man asks his secretary to take his shoes and go rub them in the grass.

The secretary thinks this is pretty weird, but she does it anyway.

The man finally goes home and his wife meets him at the door.

The wife is very upset and asks him where he has been.

The husband replies, "I can not tell a lie. My secretary and I are having an affair.

We left work early today, went to her place, made love all afternoon, and then we fell asleep.

That's why I'm late!" The wife looks at him, takes notice of his shoes and says, "I see those grass stains all over your shoes.

You've been playing golf again, haven't you!"
 

20 Things Never To Say During Sex!

1. Is it in?

2. That's it?

3. You've got to be kidding me.

4. (Phone Rings) Hello? Oh, nothing and you?

5. Do I have to pay for this?

6. Do I have to call you tomorrow?

7. Is that all you know how to do?

8. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

9. What's your name again?

10. A second time? I barely stayed awake the first time!

11. But you just started!

12. Hold on, let me change the channel...

13. Hope you don't mind I left my boots on.

14. Hurry up, the motor's runnin'.

15. What noise was that?!

16. What, oh yeah, I love you too, now let me concentrate!!

17. Is it O.K. if I call someone, it's O.K. though, keep going...

18. Just use your finger, its bigger.

19. O.K. start...Oh! That feels so...YOU'RE DONE??!!

20. Don't squirm, you'll spill my beer.
 

SEX RELATED MEDICAL FACTS

1. It takes 116 muscles to climax, but only 17 to smile.

2. Sex makes you alert and ready to face the world...it's an ideal substitute for a hot breakfast.

3. The greater the orgasm, the deeper the sleep. Multiple orgasms (20 or more per hour) can induce a coma and near-fusion with the mattress.

4. Eat and drink sensibly.
The combination of alcohol and sex, especially after long abstinence, can cause spontaneous fizzle.

5. Improved breath control increases oxygen supply throughout entire body, prevents asphyxiation during mighty kisses, trims and tones pelvis, promotes a stronger upper body enabling you to hold on tight and keep partner from damaging furniture during moments of ecstasy.

6. Better coordination prevents confusion during intricate manipulations, permitting you to talk and perform at the same time.

7. A single ejaculation, especially from a man, contains enough sperm cells to fertilize every woman in the Marines.

8. Oral sex is a great way to firm the lower face.

9. After 16 steady hours of sex, it is wise to check your insurance policy.

10. "Where am I?" should not be considered an abnormal response to immense orgasm.

11. Men who experience difficulty with insertion should see a guidance counselor.

12. Too much arousal can bring on a hard-attack.

13. It's perfectly okay to have sex on an empty stomach, especially if it belongs to your partner.

14. You know that you've had too much sex when your life begins to flash before your eyes.

15. You know I've had too little sex when my partner begins to flash before my eyes.

16. Early to bed, early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy and in demand.

17. Good sex can correct poor posture, or at least make it stand up straight.

18. Thirty percent of our body heat escapes through the head (wear a hat during sex).

19. Sex on an inclined surface (an anthill, for example) builds endurance.

20. The length of an orgasm is usually anywhere from three to eleven seconds or four to seven feet.

21. 1970 FDA approves spray-on Vaseline.

22. To prevent bedsores, oil the sheets.

23. Maintenance tip for massages: change the oil every 10,000 strokes.

24. Sexual survival depends on knowing the difference between a birthmark and a rash.

25. The newlyweds left the sex therapist's office determined to develop more effective body language. "OK," the husband said, "when I want sex, I'll rub your right breast. When I don't want sex, I'll rub your left breast." "Fine," his bride replied, "but what about me?" "When you want sex, rub my Johnson once. When you don't want sex, rub my Johnson five hundred times." ****
 

A man and a woman are riding next to each other in first class.

The man sneezes, pulls out his wang and wipes the tip off.

The woman can't believe what she just saw and decides she is hallucinating.

A few minutes pass. The man sneezes again. He pulls out his wang and wipes the tip off. The woman is about to go nuts.

She can't believe that such a rude person exists.

A few minutes pass. The man sneezes yet again. He takes his wang out and wipes the tip off.

The woman has finally had enough. She turns to the man and says, "Three times you've sneezed, and three times you've removed your penis from your pants to wipe it off! What the hell kind of degenerate are you?"

The man replies, "I am sorry to have disturbed you ma'am. I have a very rare condition such that when I sneeze, I have an orgasm."

The woman then says, "Oh, how strange. What are you taking for it?"

The man looks at her and says, "Pepper."
 

A bodybuilder picks up a woman at a bar and takes her home with him.

He takes off his shirt and the woman says, "What a great chest you have."

The body builder tells her, "That's 100 lb. of dynamite."

He takes off his pants and the woman says, "What massive calves you have." The body builder tells her, "That's 100 lb. of dynamite."

He then takes off  his underwear and the woman goes running and screaming out of the apartment.

The body builder puts his clothes back on and chases after her. He finally catches up to her and asks why she ran out of the apartment.

The woman replies, "I was afraid to be around all that dynamite after I saw how short  the fuse was."
 

The Truth .....

A young couple with a box of condoms proceeded to do the wild thing.

When they were finished, she discovered that there were only six condoms remaining in the box of 12, so she asked him, "What happened to the other five condoms?"

His nervous reply was, "Er, I masturbated with them."

Later, she then approached her male confidant friend, told him the story, and then asked him, "Have you ever done that?"

"Yeah, once or twice," he told her.

"You mean you've actually masturbated with a condom before?" she asked.

"Oh," he said, "I thought you were asking if I'd ever lied to my girlfriend."
 

"Good grief" says Jim, "You and Sue are the happiest couple I know, why on earth would you want to divorce such a lovely woman after all these years of obvious bliss?"

"Well," replies Fred, "truth be known I'm just bored with pokin' the same hole night after night after night. I guess I'm hankerin' for a bit of variety."

Jim replied, "Well if you want variety, why don't you just, you know, turn her over every now and again?"

Fred: "What.....and have a house full of kids???"
 

A huge guy marries a tiny girl, and at the wedding, one of his friends says to him, "How the hell do the two of you have sex?" 

The big guy says, "I just sit there, naked, on a chair, she sits on top, and I bob her up and down."

His friend says, "You know, that don't sound too bad." 

The big guy says, "Yeah well, it's kind of like jerking off, only I got somebody to talk to.
 

A guy on a date parks and gets the girl in the back seat and they make love. The girl wants it again and the guy obliges her. She wants more and they do it again. She still wants more and the guy says "Excuse me a minute, I have to relive myself."

While out of the car he notices a guy a half block away changing a flat.

He asks the guy "Look, I've got this gal in my car and I've given it to her four or five times and she still wants more.

I'll change your flat if you'll take over for me."

The guy does and is just getting in the high numbers when a cop knocks on the window and shines a light on them.

The cop asks "What're you doing in there?"

The guy says "I'm making love to my wife."

The cop asks "Why don't you do that at home?" The guy answers"To tell you the truth, I didn't know it was my wife until you shined the light on her."
 

A 69-year-old man was in seeing a new doctor.

The doctor asked the man how often he had sex.

The old man surprised the doctor when he responded with, ":Almost every night, Almost on Monday, almost on Tuesday ...."
 

As an ultimate test of his will power, a man decided to give up sex for Lent. Although not thrilled with the idea, his wife agreed to support him in this effort. The first few weeks weren’t too difficult. Things got tougher during the next couple of weeks, so the wife wore her dowdiest nightclothes and chewed on garlic before going to bed.

The last couple of weeks were extremely tough on the husband, so the wife took to locking the bedroom door and forcing the husband to sleep on the couch. Easter morning finally came. A knock came on the wife’s bedroom door. "KNOCK!!! KNOCK!!! KNOCK!!!"

Husband: "Guess whom?"

Wife: "I know who it is!"

Husband: "Guess what I want?"

Wife: "I know what you want!"

Husband: "Guess what I’m knocking with?"
 

Two guys are having a beer, talking about various sex positions. The first guy says that his favorite position is the "rodeo."

The other guy asks what the position is and how to do it.

The first replies, "Well, get your wife on all fours and do it doggy style. Once things get underway and she's really enjoying it, lean forward and whisper in her ear, 'Your sister likes this position as well.' Then try and hang on for 8 seconds."
 

Morris complained to his friend Irving, that love making with his wife was becoming routine and boring.

"Get creative Morris. Break up the monotony.

Why don't you try 'playing doctor' for an hour? That's what I do," said Irving.

"Sounds great," Morris replied, "but how do you make it last for an hour?"

"Just keep her in the waiting room for 55 minutes!"
 

Goldie was sitting on a beach in Florida, attempting to strike up a conversation with the attractive gentleman reading on the blanket beside hers.

"Hello, sir," she said, "Do you like movies?"

"Yes, I do," he responded, then returned to his book.

Goldie persisted. "Do you like gardening?"

The man again looked up from his book. "Yes, I do," he said politely before returning to his reading.

Undaunted, Goldie asked. "Do you like pussycats?"

With that, the man dropped his book and pounced on Goldie, ravaging her as she'd never been ravaged before.

As the cloud of sand began to settle, Goldie dragged herself to a sitting position and panted, "How did you know that was what I wanted?"

The man thought for a moment and replied, "How did you know my name was Katz?"

 

After hearing a couple's complaints that their intimate life wasn't what it used to be, the sex counselor suggested they vary their position. "For example," he said, "you might try the wheelbarrow... Lift her legs, penetrate, and off you go!"

The eager husband was all for trying this new idea as soon as they got home.

"Well, OK," the hesitant wife agreed, "but on two conditions.... First if it hurts, you will stop right away, and second," she insisted. "You have to promise we won't go past my mother's house."
 

I once took a sex education class in college and a funny thing happened one day:

The professor arrived and said we'd be discussing positions that day and asked us how many positions did we know.

I sat there too embarrassed to speak but one gal a couple of seats over said, "Twelve."

The professor nodded approval but as he got ready to call on another hand there was a loud call from the far back row of the 150 seat auditorium, "A hundred and one."

The little professor looked over his thick glasses but couldn't make out who had spoken.

Finally he called on a fellow down in the front row who replied, "Seven."

And once again from the very back was heard, "A hundred and one."

Finally he called on a very shy lady sitting next to me. At first she acted like she wasn't going to answer. Finally she said, "Only one sir."

And the professor said, "Well young lady that is unusual. And what position would that be?"

"With the man on top and woman on the bottom," she quietly replied.

And from the back of the room came that same voice, "A hundred and two!" Rated G

I once took a sex education class in college and a funny thing happened one day:

The professor arrived and said we'd be discussing positions that day and asked us how many positions did we know.

I sat there too embarrassed to speak but one gal a couple of seats over said, "Twelve."

The professor nodded approval but as he got ready to call on another hand there was a loud call from the far back row of the 150 seat auditorium, "A hundred and one."

The little professor looked over his thick glasses but couldn't make out who had spoken.

Finally he called on a fellow down in the front row who replied, "Seven."

And once again from the very back was heard, "A hundred and one."

Finally he called on a very shy lady sitting next to me. At first she acted like she wasn't going to answer. Finally she said, "Only one sir."

And the professor said, "Well young lady that is unusual. And what position would that be?"

"With the man on top and woman on the bottom," she quietly replied.

And from the back of the room came that same voice, "A hundred and two!"
 

The two East Coast hookers decided to move to the West Coast and while driving through New Mexico they stopped at a little general store.

Well, lo and behold there were two older Indian women sitting on the front porch and the four women started up a conversation, which lead to the one older Indian woman who said "Well I'm a Navajo and she is an Arapaho."

One of the hookers said "No Kidding?! Well I'm a New York Ho and she is a Chicago Ho."
 

A woman was getting out of her car when a man grabbed her from behind with a gun to her head.

The man turned her around and let her go with the gun still pointed at her.

The woman didn't know what to do so she just stood there stunned.

The man then forced her into her garage where he demanded she remove her clothes.

She said, "I wouldn't ask that if I were you." He snapped back, "Just do it or I'll kill you."

So she proceeded to remove her clothing down to her underwear and bra.

He then ordered her to remove her bra.

She again said, "I wouldn't ask that if I were you."

He was starting to get annoyed and shouted, "Just do it!"

So she did and what a wonderful sight to him perfectly round firm breasts which he started to touch and kiss all while pointing the gun to her head.

When he couldn't stand it anymore he demanded she remove her panties.

She once again said, "I wouldn't ask that if I were you."

He yelled back, "Just do it or I will blow your head off."

As she proceeded to pull her panties down what a gruesome sight to behold.

The man observed a rashy, pus filled, smelly, pussy.

He was so shocked he dropped his gun, which the woman quickly picked up. S

he then pointed it at the man and said, "Eat me."
 

A passenger plane traveling to California is suddenly hit with a severe engine problem and plummets into the Pacific Ocean. The impact is such that the plane is ripped apart leaving only one man alive. After hours of swimming he spies an island and drags himself up onto the sandy shores. Though he is half drowned and aware that he is thousands of miles from home he cannot but admire the beauty of the island he has found himself on.

Looking down the beach he sees a figure lying on the beach, another survivor from the crash. He runs over and sees that she is not breathing so quickly he gives her the kiss of life. After several attempts she coughs into life. As she wipes the hair from her face he now can see who it is.

It's Jennifer Lopez.

Forever grateful to him for saving her life they strike up an immediate bond, and over the following weeks while stranded on the island, they fall madly in love.

One day Jennifer is walking down the beach and notices her new found love sitting on the rocks by the beach staring out to sea with a look of sorrow on his face.

Feeling there's something wrong, she wanders over to him and asks what is wrong.

"Jennifer. The last few weeks have been the greatest of my life. We've found this island paradise. We have all the food and water we could require and I have you, but still I can't help feel there's something missing."

Jennifer replies, "What my darling? What is it that you need. I'll do anything."

"Well there is one thing. Would you mind putting on my shirt?"

"OK."

"And my trousers?"

"OK."

At this point he gets up and grabs some charcoal from the ground, and draws a neat moustache on her lips.

"OK.... Can you start to walk around the island and I'll set off the other way and meet you half way."

"OK dear, whatever will make you happy."

So off they set. After half an hour walking he eventually sees her heading towards him along the beach, at which point he breaks into a sprint, running up to her and grabbing her by the shoulders he shouts, "Mate, you won't believe who I'm shagging!"
 

This guy has this crush on this girl at his work.

He is dying to ask her out on a date, but every time he sees her he gets the biggest erection ever.

There is nothing he can do to control it. It just happens.

After some time, he decides to get her phone number and call her up.

This way he won't have to see her and he won't get too excited.

He ends up asking her out and she says yes.

He figures what he'll do is tie his penis to his leg so when he sees her it'll be tied to his leg and she'll never notice it.

He gets to her house knocks on her door.

She answers the door in a sheer teddy, and he kicks her in the face.
 

A guy goes to see a psychiatrist. He says, "Doc, I think I'm hung up on women's breasts."

The psychiatrist says, "We'll see. I'll give you a quick word-association test. I'll say something, and then you say the first thing that comes into your mind."

The doctor says, "2 Egg's" The guy says, "Boobs."

The doctor says, "Orange." The guy says, "Hooters."

The doctor says, "Grapefruit." The guy says, "Jugs."

The doctor says, "Windshield wipers." The guy says, "Knockers."

The psychiatrist says, "It's very obvious you have a problem. I mean, I can understand the egg, an orange, or even a grapefruit, but why would windshield wipers make you think of breasts?"

The guy says, "Are you kidding, Doc? First this one, then that one, then this one, then that one."
 

The Texas teeny-bopper told a classmate, "I'll let you do it for $20 -- $10 to put it in and $10 to take it out."

The boy quickly agreed.

The couple went into the woods, and the young thang slipped off her panties and laid back.

The boy slipped in his erection and handed her a $10 bill. And then, when he was finished, he handed her another $10 and she released him.

The next week, he requested her again, and she agreed.

This time, he handed her the $10 then, when he had finished, he just lay there.

After about 10 minutes, she said "OK, Billy! Take it out now."

I would like to but I don't have anymore money."
 

A young couple were banging away like there was no tomorrow, when the boy stopped and asked the girl to spread her legs farther apart, which she eagerly did, anticipating more of his enthusiastic vigor.
Instead, he timidly asked her to spread her legs even farther apart.
She said, "Why? What are you trying to do, ram your balls inside me?"
"No. I've already done that. Now I am trying to get them back out."
Talented Pussy

A man is sitting on a train across from a Busty blonde wearing a tiny mini skirt. Despite his efforts, he is unable to stop staring at the top of her thighs. To his delight, he realizes she has gone without underwear.

The blonde realizes he is staring and inquires, "Are you looking at my pussy?"
"Yes, I'm sorry," replies the man and promises to avert his eyes. "It's quite alright," replies the woman, "It's very talented, watch this, I'll make it blow a kiss to you." Sure enough the pussy blows him a kiss. The man, who is completely absorbed, inquires what else the wonder pussy can do.

"I can also make it wink," says the woman. The man stares in amazement as the pussy winks at him.
"Come and sit next to me," suggests the woman, patting the seat. The man moves over and is asked, "Would you like to stick a couple of fingers in?"
Stunned, the man replies, "Good grief! Can it whistle too?
The Difference In Beavers

A little girl is taking a shower with her grandmother. She looks down between her grandmother's legs and says, "Grandma, what's that?"
"That's my beaver." A few days later the little girl is showering with her mother. She points between her mother's legs and says, "Mommy, I know what that is. "That's your beaver!" "That's right," says the mother. "How did you know?"
"Grandma told me," says the girl, "but I think her beaver's dead -- its tongue was hanging out.
Thoughts

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"
The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out,and suck your tits dry."
Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"

He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job.
 

An Alabama man turned 18 and went to a local house of ill repute to experience his first sexual experience with a partner.

He approached the madam and shyly asked if he could retain the services of one of her fine ladies.

The Madam was happy to oblige and started to rattle off a list of services that could be purchased.... straight lovemaking, 69, bj etc.

Except for the straight lovemaking he was unaware of what all of the other services mentioned were but was very curious.

After she rattled off the menu the shy polite southern boy graciously asked for "that 69 thing" totally unaware what that might be.

The Madam charged the boy and directed him to the room where this wonderful act would take place.

Upon entering the room the boy was immediately pleased by the sight of his purchase and she asked him to disrobe and join her on the bed.

As she was already naked, it seemed alright so he did as he was told and meekly joined her in bed and pulled the sheet over himself.

Without warning the lady pulled off the sheet, flipped around and assumed the position.

Other than being shocked by the predicament he found himself in he was pleased at the sensation and shock soon turned to pleasure.

Shortly after this started the lady let out ............well..........a small fart.

The boy immediately noticed and although it was unpleasant he quickly forgot about it and continued.

A short bit later the lady repeated this and again although it made him a bit sick to his stomach the rest of the activity was so pleasurable that he dismissed it.

About a minute passed and the boy was now very excited and enjoying his purchase very much when without warning the lady dropped ass again and this time it seemed, at least to the boy that it was getting much more vile and unbearable......so much so that he tapped the lady on the butt, signaling to stop and said in his most polite southern accent "Mamm, I appreciate what you are tryin to do for me and all, but I don't think I can stand 66 more of these"
 

A guy's tossing peanuts into the air and catching them in his mouth.

In the middle of catching one, his wife asks him a question, and as he turns to answer, the peanut falls into his ear.

He tries to dig it out, but that only pushes it in deeper, so he and his wife decide to go to the hospital.

As they're about to go out the door, their daughter comes in with her date.

They explain, and the daughter's date says, "I can get the peanut out."

He tells the father to sit down, shoves two fingers into the father's nose, and tells him to blow hard.

The father blows and the peanut flies out of his ear.

The mother and daughter are all excited, but the daughter's date says, "Ah, it was nothing."

After her daughter takes her date to the kitchen for something to eat, the mother turns to the father and says, "Isn't he smart? I wonder what he plans to be."

The father says, "From the smell of his fingers, I'd say our son-in-law."
 

An old man on the beach walked up to a beautiful girl in a bikini,

"I want to feel your breasts" he exclaimed.

"Get away from me, you crazy old man" she replied.

"I want to feel your breasts, I will give you twenty dollars" he says. Again, she told him,"Twenty dollars, are you nuts!? Get away from me!

I want to feel your breasts, I will give you ONE HUNDRED DOLLARS" he says.
"NO! Get away from me"

"TWO HUNDRED DOLLARS" he says.

She pauses to think about it, but then comes to her senses and says "I said NO!"

"FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS if you let me feel your breasts" he says.

She thinks, well, he is old, and he seems harmless enough... and five hundred dollars IS a lot of money....

"Well, OK...but only for a minute" she says.

She loosens her bikini top and while both are standing there on the beach, he slides his hands underneath and begins to feel... and then he starts saying, "

OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD..." while he is caressing them. So out of curiosity, she asks him, "Why do you keep saying 'Oh my god, oh my god'?"

While continuing to feel her breasts he answers: "OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD... Where am I ever going to get five hundred dollars?"
 

A big-rig operator stopped to pick up a girl hitchhiker wearing REALLY short shorts.

"Say, What's your name, mister?" she inquired, after climbing in the truck.

"It's Snow----Roy Snow," he answered, "and what's yours?"

"Me, I'm June---June Hansen," she said.

After a short while she asked, "Hey, why do you keep sizing me up with those sidelong glances?"

"Can you imagine what it might be like," he countered, "....having eight inches of Snow in June?"
 

John was in a bar looking very dejected.

His friend, Steve, walked over and asked, "What's wrong?"

"It's my mother-in-law," John replied, while shaking his head sadly. "I have a real problem with her."

"Cheer up," Steve said. "Everyone has problems with their mother-in-law."

"Yeah," John answered. "But I got mine pregnant."
 

3 Stages of Sex

1) House Sex -- When you are newly married and have sex all over the house, in every room.

2) Bedroom Sex -- After you've been married for a while and you just have sex in the bedroom.

3) Hall Sex -- After you've been married for many years, you just pass each other in the hall and say, “Fuck you.”
 

Dear Mr. Abby:

Q: My husband wants to experience a threesome with my sister and me.

A: Your husband is clearly devoted to you. He cannot get enough of you, so he goes for the next best thing - your sister. Far from being an issue, this can bring all of the family together. Why not get some cousins involved? If you are still apprehensive, then let him be with your relatives, buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his behavior.

 

An old man made it shakily through the door to Joe Conforte's Mustang Ranch, outside Reno, Nevada.

The receptionist stared at him. "You gotta be in the wrong place," she exclaimed. "What are you looking for?"

"Ain't this the famous Mustang Ranch? Ain't this where you got forty-five girls ready 'n' able?"

The receptionist looked perplexed, "Ready for what?"

"I want a girl," the old man rasped. "I wanna get laid."

"How old are you, Pop?" she asked.

"Ninety-two," he replied.

"Ninety-two? Pop, you've HAD it!"

"Oh," said the old man, a little disconcerted as his trembling fingers reached for his wallet. "How much do I owe you?"

Q: My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex on him.

A: Do it. Sperm is not only great tasting, but has only 10 calories per spoonful. It is nutritious, helps you to keep your figure, and gives a great glow to your skin. Interestingly, men know this. His offer to you to perform oral sex with him is
totally selfless. Oral sex is extremely painful for a man. This shows he loves you. The best thing to do is to thank him, buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal.
 

One very cold night, a young man dropped into the local brothel and the madam said, "You'll have to wait."

"But there's lots of girls that aren't busy right now."

"Yes, but several of the rooms are closed for repairs."

"Listen, I'm pretty desperate. I don't need a room."

So she takes his money and he goes upstairs with one of the staff and, after looking for a place to consummate the transaction, they decide to do it on the roof.

But it's a very cold night, and they freeze to death and fall to the sidewalk.

A passing drunk looks them over, staggers to the door, and knocks.

"Go away!" says the madam. "We don't allow drunks in here!"

"I don't want in," says the drunk. "I just wanted to tell you that your sign fell down."
 

Q: My husband has too many nights out with the boys.

A: This is perfectly natural behavior and it should be encouraged. The man is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess with other men. Far from being pleasurable, a night out with the boys is a stressful affair, and to get back to you is a
relief for him. Just look at how emotional and happy the man is when he returns to his stable home. The best thing to do is to buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his behavior.
 

Dear Mr. Abby:

Q: My husband has never given me an orgasm.

A: The female orgasm is a myth. It is fostered by militant, man-hating feminists and is a danger to the family unit. Don't mention it again to him and show your love to him by buying a nice, expensive present, and don't forget to cook him a
delicious meal.
 

Q: My husband doesn't know where my clitoris is.

A: Your clitoris is of no concern to your husband. If you must mess with it, do it in your own time. To help with the family budget you may wish to videotape yourself while doing this, and sell it. To ease your selfish guilt, buy your man a nice,
expensive present, and cook him a delicious meal.

 

Dear Mr. Abby:

Q: My husband is uninterested in foreplay.

A: Foreplay to a man is very hurtful. What it means is that you do not love your man as much as you should-he has to work a lot to get you in the mood. Abandon all wishes in this area, and make it up to him by buying him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal.
 

A Dying Wish

A woman goes for her yearly physical and after all the poking, prodding and tests, the physician says gravely, "I'm sorry, but you've only 12 hours to live".

Hearing this, the woman rushes home, explains her condition to her husband and states, "I want us to spend this whole evening having wild and crazy sex."

To which her husband exclaims, "Well, that's easy for you to say. You don't have to get up in the morning!"
 

Myrddin returned home one night to find his wife lying naked in bed.

His eyes went wide and he began to strip, only to stop suddenly when he saw a cigar in the ashtray beside the bed.

"All right," Myrddin demanded, "I'll kill you unless you tell me where the cigar came from!"

A muffled voice came from under the bed, "Havana."
 

Three guys are debating who has the best memory.

First guy says, "I can remember the first day of my first grade
class."

Second guy says, "I can remember my first day at nursery school!"

Not to be outdone, the third guy says, "Heck, that's nothing. I
can remember going to the senior prom with my father,and coming
home with my mother."

A woman walks into a bar and orders a drink.

A few minutes later, a man walks in and sits down beside her.

He notices that she's a little depressed and asks her what's wrong.

"My boyfriend dumped me because he thought I was too kinky."

"Wow! What a coincidence! My girlfriend dumped me because she thought I was too kinky," he replies.

So they start talking, and find that they have a lot in common.

After a few more drinks, they start feeling a little frisky and he decides to go home with her.

Once they walk into her house, she excuses herself to go ''slip into something a little more comfortable."

She dresses up in her leather mask, rubber bra with the nipples cut out, thigh high leather boots, everything.

She grabs her whip and walks back into the living room and sees him putting his coat back on, getting ready to leave.

"Hey, where are you going? I thought we were going to get kinky!"

The man looks at her all confused and says, "I all ready fucked your dog and shat in your purse -- what more do you want?"
 

There was this American tourist in Mexico, and he was getting tired of walking around, so he went up to a donkey rental place and said, ''Can I rent a donkey?'

The guy said, "We don't call them donkeys here, we call them asses. This is the only ass I have left, and you have to scratch him when you want to make him stop."

The guy rides his ass for a while, sees a hotdog stand, and asks for a hotdog. The vendor replies, "We don't call them hotdogs here we call the wieners."

Meanwhile his donkey is wandering away, so he goes up to another tourist and says "Will you hold my wiener whille I scratch my ass?"
 

Billy Ray Cyrus vs. Prostitute

What's the difference between Billy Ray Cyrus and a prostitute?

Billy Ray Cyrus has an achy breaky heart and a prostitute has an itchy twitchy twat!

 

A man and a woman are about to make love, and the woman is getting very excited.

"Put your finger in", she wispers." So he does. "Put another finger in", she says as her excitment heightens. So he does this and she gets even more excited.

"Put you hand in", she say's. "My hand? "

"Yes" she says, "Your hand, put it in" So he puts his whole hand in, and she is going crazy.

"Put your other hand, in" she moans.

"My other hand?" he gulps.

"Yes, Yes" she screams, barely able to contain herself. "Now" she cries, "clap".

"I can't !" says the man.

She looks at him and says "tight , huh?.
 

Well, my dad was having "that" conversation with me when I was about 12 or 13.

He said that if you masturbate you'll go blind.

I said, "I'm over here dad...
 

What's another name for a ant eater?

An uncle.
 

Three guys, a black, a white, and a Chinese, walk into a bar.

There is a hot babe sitting at the bar; and she quickly catches the attention of the men.The lady looks over at the 3 men and says, "If one of you can survive a night of sex with me, I'll marry you, blow you everymorning and fuck you every night."

The men quickly agree.

That night the black guy has sex with her, and dies because of some weird STD that kills instantly.

The next night the white man dies due to the same STD.

The third night the Chinese man lives.The lady asks, "How did you live?"

The Chinese man replies, "Me Chinese, me be slick, me put condom on my dick."   
 

He was coming of ageand decided he needed to know what the company of a woman felt like.

So he arranged to see the chief of his tribe, "Chief, I need to become a man. What should I do?"

The wise, old chief had dealt with enough of these youngsters to know exactly what to say, "Son, go into the forest and you will find a tree with a hole in it. Practice on it and you will come back in full maturity."

So he did. After a week of rough living he was certain he had it right.He walked triumphantly into the village and asked for the prettiest squaw.

They went into a tent and he told her to bend over. "Hmmm, a bit kinky for our first time don't you think,love?"

He was confused but carried on and asked her to please bend down.

She agreed only to receive a short, sharp kick in the behind.

"What the hell do you think you're doing????? You're a psycho!!"

He was a bit bemused at this some what snappy response so he said,

"What? Do you think I'm stupid?

I'm checking for bees, woman!"   
 

Oral Sex   

One day two old men named Fred and Vern were siting on Vern's porch enjoying the nice day they were having and discussing many topics when the topic of sex came up.

Fred turns to Vern and says, "Ya know, Me and the old lady just don't have sex no more,and I kind of miss it."

Vern says, "Well Fred Me and my wife don't really either except for oral sex."

"Oral sex!?" Fred says, "Are you telling me at your age you and your wife still practice oral sex?"

"Why sure, Fred," Vern says, "I sit out here on the porch and she sits there in the living room and we scream FUCK YOU back and forth." 
 

Two babies were sitting in their cribs, when one baby shouted tot he other, "Are you a little girl or a little boy?"

"I don't know," replied the other baby giggling.

"What do you mean, you don't know?" said the first baby.

"I meanI don't know how to tell the difference," was the reply.

"Well, I do," said the first baby chuckling.

"I'll climb into your crib and find out." He carefully maneuvered himself into the other baby's crib, then quickly disappeared beneath the blankets.

After a couple of minutes, he resurfaced with a big grin on hisface. "You're a little girl, and I'm a little boy," he said proudly.

"You're ever so clever," cooed the baby girl, "but how can you tell?"

"It's quite easy really," replied the baby boy "you've got pink booties and I've got blue ones."

(What were you thinking?!)
 

A guy walked into a bar and noticed a beautiful blonde sitting at the bar.

He walked up to her and said "Can I buy you a drink?" She replied "Yes you may, but you won't get to first base with me."

"And why not?" replied the guy.
"Because I'm a lesbian." she replied. "

Oh, so you're from Lebanon."

"You don'tknow what a lesbian is, do you?"

"No, I can't say I do." replied the guy.

"Let me try to explain." said the blonde. "You see that girl at the end of the bar? Well, I would like to make passionate love to her, and kiss her all over all night long."

She looked aside and saw the guy with his head down sobbing uncontrollably.

"What's the matter with you?!" The guy slowly looked up at her and said

"My GOD...I think I'm a lesbian too!
 

An alien walks into a bar one night.

He goes up to the bartender and sticks his finger in the bartenders chest.Then he leaves.

The next day he comes back and once again he walks up to the bartender and sticks his finger in the bartenders chest. Then he leaves.

The next day the alien comes back and does it again.

"Thats it!" yells the bartender, "If you do that one more timeI'm gonna kick you in your balls!"

The alien, smiling, sticks his finger in the bartenders chest.

The bartender jumps up and sees that the alien has no balls.

Bewildered, he asks the alien, "How do you have sex?"

The alien smiles and pokes the bartender in the chest again.   
 

The guy I dated tonight turned out to be a sadist," reported the girl.

"You mean literally--whips and that sort of thing?" asked her roommate.

"Worst than that! The creep made love to me with a four-inch penis and then French-kissed me good-by with an eight-inch tongue!"
 

There is an old lady who always sat on her front porch naked.

One day an old man walked by and said what is that I see?

The old lady replied that's my washing machine. The old man asked can I come in and do my laundry then.

The old lady said why sure.So they go inside and "do his laundry".

The next day the old man walked by again and asked the old lady what's that I see?

The old lady smiles and says sweety what little laundry you have you you should be able to do by hand.

 

I asked my Grandma if she ever tried 69.

She said, “No, but I have done 53 -- that's all the sailors I could screw in one night.” 
 

What is a 6.9?

A 69 interupted by a period.
 

Simon was a highranking official in King Edward's court. He had one longstanding wish -- to suck the Queen's voluptuous breasts to his heart's desire. Every time he passed the Queen, he got frustrated.

One day, he revealed his desire to the King's chief adviser, Anthony, and begged him to do something about it.

Anthony, after much thought, agreed on the condition that, afterward, Simon would have to pay Anthony 1,000 gold coins for arranging things.

Simon agreed.

The next day Anthony prepared a high voltage itching lotion and poured it into the Queen's bra which she had left out while she was taking a bath.

Soon the itching started and grew in intensity, much to the King's anxiety.

Consultations with doctors and Anthony revealed that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure it. Anthony also added that such saliva was only to be found in Simon's mouth.

King Edward summoned Simon, and for the next four hours Simon violently sucked the Queen's breasts.

Licking, biting, pressing, playing, he got what he always desired. Satisfied, he returned and met Anthony, but since his mission was over and his lust satisfied, he refused to pay Anthony anything, and in fact he shooed him away.

Simon, of course knew that Anthony could never report this matter to the King. But Simon had underestimated Anthony.

Next day, Anthony duly put the same itching lotion in King Edward's underwear.

Simon was again called by the King....
 

Once there was a philosopher doing a survey on a group of men on the topic of happiness.

He said "I can prove to you that the amount of happiness has relation to the amount of sex you have!"

To prove this he glanced at the audience and saw a man at the right hand corner, smiling, "Sir, How often do you have sex ?" he asked

"Once a month." the man answered

Looking for another happy face, he spotted a man in the middle, having a bigger smile.

"Sir, How often do you have sex?"

"Once a week. " the man shouted

Trying to prove his theory further, he saw another man laughing. "You seem to be a very happy man, how often do you have sex?"

"Well, ... everyday" the happy man answered.

"There, I am right ...the amount of happiness has relation to the amount of sex you have" said the philosopher.

But far off at the end of the room, he saw a man with his hands in the air. Laughing and jumping with so much happiness. So the philosopher said to him "You sure look like a very happy man?"

"Yes, Yes .. Yes," answered the very happy man

"So how often do you get to have sex?" the philosopher asked

The man answered "Once a year...." The puzzled and embarrassed philosopher looked at the man and said "WHAT ???

...Then why are you so happy ??"

The man while laughing, and jumping replied: "IT'S TONIGHT... IT'S TONIGHT !!"
 

SEX GUIDE FOR IDIOTS

1. Speed is not a virtue.

2. Abstinence is not a kinky position

3. Herpes is not the name of a Greek god.

4. Oral sex does not mean talking to each other

5. A condom is not needed for when you are doing it alone

6. No woman would ever be desperate enough to sleep with you at first sight. If this happens be sure you pay her, otherwise you will suffer major physical pain

7. For it not to be a crime, mutual consent is necessary

8. Don't tell a female date that you have a severe Oedipus complex

9. A bad line to use is, "They took 40% off during my circumcision"

10. Oral contraception goes beyond just saying 'NO'

As the bartender set it down, he asked, "Going to a party?"

"Yeah, a costume party," the man answered, "I'm supposed to come dressed as my love life."

"But you look like Abe Lincoln." protested the barkeep.

"That's right.  My last four scores were seven years ago."   
 

Crazy Mike the Biker walks into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist, "Listen, I have three girls coming over tonight.  I've never had three girls at once, and I need something to keep me horny... keep me potent."

The pharmacist reaches under the counter, unlocks the bottom drawer and takes out a small cardboard box marked with a label "Viagra Extra Strength" and says, "Here, if you eat this, you'll go NUTS for 12 hours!"

Then Crazy Mike says, "Gimme three boxes!"

The next day, Crazy Mike walks into the same pharmacy, right up to the same pharmacist and pulls down his pants.  The pharmacist looks in horror as he notices the man's penis is black and blue, and the skin is hanging off in some places.

Crazy Mike says, "Gimme a bottle of Ben Gay."

The pharmacist replies, "BenGay?!?!?! You're not going to put BenGay on  that are you?"

Crazy Mike says, "No, it's for my arms, the girls didn't show up."
 

Rated XXX Explicit

WELLHUNG: Hello, Sweetheart. What do you look like?

SWEETHEART: I am wearing a red silk blouse, a miniskirt and high heels. I work out every day, I'm toned and perfect. My measurements are 36-24-36. What do you look like?

WELLHUNG: I'm 6'3'' and about 250 pounds. I wear glasses and I have on a pair of blue sweat pants I just bought from Walmart. I'm also wearing a T-shirt with a few spots of barbecue sauce on it from dinner...it smells funny.

SWEETHEART: I want you. Would you like to screw me?

WELLHUNG: OK

SWEETHEART: We're in my bedroom. There's soft music playing on the stereo and candles on my dresser and night table. I'm looking up into your eyes, smiling. My hand works its way down to your crotch and begins to fondle your huge, swelling bulge.

WELLHUNG: I'm gulping, I'm beginning to sweat.

SWEETHEART: I'm throwing my head back in pleasure. The cool silk slides off my warm skin. I'm rubbing you're bulge faster, pulling and rubbing.

WELLHUNG: I'm fumbling with the clasp on your bra. I think it's stuck. Do you have any scissors?

SWEETHEART: I take your hand and kiss it softly. I'm reaching back undoing the clasp. The bra slides off my body. The air caresses my breast. My nipples are erect for you.

WELLHUNG: How did you do that? I'm picking up the bra and inspecting the clasp.

SWEETHEART: I'm arching my back. Oh baby. I just want to feel your tongue all over me.

WELLHUNG: I'm dropping the bra. Now I'm licking your, you know, breasts. They're neat!

SWEETHEART: I'm running my fingers through your hair. Now I'm nibbling your ear.

WELLHUNG: I suddenly sneeze. Your breast are covered with spit and phlegm.

SWEETHEART: What?

WELLHUNG: I'm so sorry; Really.

SWEETHEART: OK. I'm pulling your sweat pants down and rubbing your hard tool.

WELLHUNG: I'm screaming like a woman. Your hands are cold! Yeeee!

SWEETHEART: I'm pulling up my miniskirt. Take off my panties.

WELLHUNG: Your face is pushing my glasses into my face. It hurts.

SWEETHEART: Why don't you take off your glasses?

WELLHUNG: OK, but I can't see very well without them. I place the glasses on the night table.

SWEETHEART: I'm bending over the bed. Give it to me, baby!

WELLHUNG: I have to pee. I'm fumbling my way blindly across the room and toward the bathroom.

SWEETHEART: Hurry back, lover.

WELLHUNG: I find the bathroom and it's dark. I'm feeling around for the toilet. I lift the lid.

SWEETHEART: I'm waiting eagerly for your return.

WELLHUNG: I'm done going. I'm feeling around for the flush handle, but I can't find it. Uh-oh!

SWEETHEART: What's the matter now?

WELLHUNG: I've realized that I've peed into your laundry hamper. Sorry again. I'm walking back to the bedroom now, blindly feeling my way.

SWEETHEART: Mmm, yes. Come on.

WELLHUNG: OK, now I'm going to put my...you know...thing...in your...you know...woman's thing.

SWEETHEART: Yes! Do it, baby! Do it!

WELLHUNG: I'm touching your smooth butt. It feels so nice. I kiss your neck. Umm, I'm having a little trouble here.

SWEETHEART: I'm moving my ass back and forth, moaning. I can't stand it another second! Slide in! Screw me now!

WELLHUNG: I'm flaccid.

SWEETHEART: What?

WELLHUNG: I'm limp. I can't sustain an erection.

SWEETHEART: Go to hell. I'm logging off, you loser!

SWEETHEART: [logged off]
 

A guy, a pig, and a dog are the only survivors of a terrible shipwreck, and find themselves stranded on a desert island.

After being there awhile, they get into a ritual of going to the beach every evening to watch the sun go down.

One particular evening the sky was red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance!

Well that pig started looking better and better to the poor guy, and eventually he rolled toward the pig and put his arm around it, and proceeded to attempt to seduce it...

The dog however was *not* happy with this and growled fiercly at the guy, until he reluctanly removed his arm from the pig.

They continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but no more cuddling. A few weeks passed by, and lo and behold, there was another shipwreck.

The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, who swam ashore, and found the guy with his animals.

After awhile the four of them sat together on the beach to view the sunset.

It was another beautiful evening; red sky, cirrus clouds, warm gentle breeze,
perfect for romance, the four of them lying there.

Well, the guy started getting "those ideas" again, so he leaned towards the girl and whispered, "Honey, would you mind taking the dog for a walk?"
 

A couple was told to individually write a sentence using the words 'sex' and 'love.'

The woman wrote 'When two people love each other very much, like and I, it is morally acceptable for them to engage in sex.'

And wrote ' I love sex.
 

Mom and little girl at the toyduring the counter Christmas rush.

Little girl: "Mom, I want Barbie with G.I. Joe".

Mom: "Sweetie, you know Barbie comes with Ken...".

Little girl: "No, Mom, Barbie FAKES with Ken, Barbie COMES with G.I. Joe!"
 

What's the difference between hard and light?

You can go to sleep with the light on.
 

One day a milkman was delivering milk to houses that weren't on his route.

He just happened to walk up to a house where a lonely beautiful woman lived.

He decided to try to find out why she was crying.

He asked the lady what was wrong and she told him that her husband was gone at war, that she felt lonely and that she needed sex badly.

So the milkman offered himself to her and she accepted. They were going at it for a couple hours when a car pulled up in the driveway.

The lady jumped up off of the man and ran to the window to see who it was.

When she saw who it was her eyes opened in shock.

The milkman got scared and asked what she saw.

She said her husband just pulled up in the driveway with a pack of flowers and candy.

The milkman said "oh no how do I get out of here, where do I go."

The lady told him to hide in the closet and she'll stall her husband so he can excape.

When the milkman got in the closet the lady;s period came so she grabbed two tampoons wiped up her stuff and threw them in the closet.

Her husband came in picked her up and took her to their room. They shagged for two weeks straight then her husband went back to war.

When he left the lady started to cry again because she felt lonely once again.

She started to clean up the house because it was what she liked to do while she was depressed.

When she opened the closet door she saw a sleeping milkman and screamed.

The milkman woke up and said its about time.

The lady said are you ok.

The milkman told her yeah, but if it wasn't for those two jelly doughnuts you threw in here I probably would have died.
 

Which of the following doesn't belong: wife, meat, eggs, blowjob.

The blowjob. You can beat your wife, your eggs or your meat but you can't beat a blowjob.
 

She said to her mom "Mom, how much did you charge for a blowjob in your day?" her mm said "$50.00, why?" "Oh, just wondered."

She asked her grandma the same thing and she said "$25.00." She then asked her great grandma who said:

"Well, because it was the war, we didn't charge anything, as we were greatful for a warm drink!!!!"

******

How can you make five pounds of glistening, wobbily fat look appealing?

Stick a nipple on the top.
 

A Night Out 
 
Girl and boy are having a relationship of about four months now. One Friday night they meet at a bar after work. They stay for a few, then go on to get some food at a local restaurant near their respective houses. They eat, then go back to his house and she stays over.

Her story:

Well Ed was in an odd mood when I got to the bar, I thought it might have been because I was a bit late but he didn't say anything much about it, but the conversation was quite slow going so I thought we should go off somewhere more intimate so we could talk more privately, so we go to this restaurant and he's still a bit funny and I'm trying to cheer him up and start to wonder whether it's me or something so I ask him and he says no but you know I'm not really sure, so anyway, in the cab back to his house I say that I love him and he just puts his arm around me and I don't know what the hell that means because you know he doesn't say it back or anything so when we get back to his I'm wondering if he's going off me and so I try to ask him about it but he just switches on the TV and so I say I'm going to go to sleep and then after about 10 minutes he joins me and we have sex, but he seemed really distracted and so afterwards I just want to leave and I dunno I just don't know what he thinks anymore, I mean, do you think he's met someone else ???

His story:

Shit day at work. Great shag later."
 

A woman goes into a tattoo parlour and tells the tattoo artist that she wants a tattoo of a turkey on her inner right thigh just below her bikini line.  She also wants him to put "Happy Thanksgiving" under the turkey.

So the guy does it and it comes out looking really good. The woman then instructs him to put a Santa tattoo with "Merry Christmas" down on her inner left thigh.

So the guy does it and it comes out looking good, too. As the woman is getting dressed to leave, the tattoo artist asks, "If you don't mind, could you tell me why you had me put such unusual tattoos on your inner thighs?"

She says "I'm sick and tired of my man complaining all the time that there's nothing good to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas!"
 

Well, with the Emmies called off again, allow to to anticipate one of the jokes that hostess Ellen DeGeneres might have told in light of the show having been set up to be broadcast from sites on either coast.

"You know, I once knew someone who was 'bi-coastal...'"
 

A teacher was wrapping up class, and started talking about tomorrow's final exam.

He said there would be no excuses for not showing up tomorrow, barring a dire medical condition or an immediate family member's death.

One smart ass, male student said, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?", and the whole classroom burst into laughter.

After the laughter had subsided, the teacher glared at the student, and said, "Not an excuse, you can use your other hand to write.
 

A guy calls his wife from the emergency room. He tells her that his finger got cut off at the construction site where he works. 

"Oh my God!!" cries the woman. "The whole finger?" 

"No," replies the guy. "The one next to it!"  

..........................................................................................................................

Las Vegas is a wild town.

An hour after I had checked into a hotel, the house detective knocked on the door and said, "Do you have a woman in there?"

I told him I didn't, so he threw one in
 

Did you hear about Playboy for married men?

They have the same centerfold every month.

***************************************

Prostitute's Prayer:

"Now I lay me down to cheap."
 

SEX GUIDE FOR IDIOTS

1. Speed is not a virtue.

2. Abstinence is not a kinky position

3. Herpes is not the name of a Greek god.

4. Oral sex does not mean talking to each other

5. A condom is not needed for when you are doing it alone

6. No woman would ever be desperate enough to sleep with you at first sight. If this happens be sure you pay her, otherwise you will suffer major physical pain

7. For it not to be a crime, mutual consent is necessary

8. Don't tell a female date that you have a severe Oedipus complex

9. A bad line to use is, "They took 40% off during my circumcision"

10. Oral contraception goes beyond just saying 'NO'
 

A farm boy who had just finished his schooling on the farm, was sent by his Ma and Pa to the big city to go to college.

The first thing the boy does when he gets to town, is go to find a whorehouse.

He goes inside to talk to the madam about getting a girl. She leads him upstairs, opens the door to a room and tells him to sit and wait for the girl to arrive.

After several minutes of anxious waiting, a young, blonde prostitute comes in.

The boy is beside himself, and he leaps up from the bed, grabs the television, and throws it out the window.

The girl thinks this is odd behavior, but she shrugs it off, and begins to undress.

As she strips, the farmboy runs over, grabs the night stand and throws it out the window.

Again the girl thinks this is odd, but being an experienced hooker, she figures it's a fetish and continues disrobing.

The girl removes her panties, and with that, the farm boy grabs the entire bed and starts lugging it toward the window.

The girl, figuring this is one even she hasn't heard of, finally asks, "What the hell are you doing?"

The farm boy replies, "Ah ain't never been with no woman before but, if it's anythin' like fuckin' sheep, we gonna need all the room we can git."
 

1. Is it any coincidence that your blouse matches the color of my sheets?

2. Nice shoes, Wanna screw?

3. The magic word for the day is legs. Want to get together later and spread the word?

4. I know 400 ways to make you squeal. I'm working on 401. Care to assist?

5. Guy: Would you be offended if I told you that your hair smells nice?

Girl: Not at all.

Guy: What if I was a midget?
 

There are three types of sex in a marriage.

The first one is Kitchen Sex. This is when you are newlyweds, and you're still having fun, so you do it anywhere, anytime - but mostly the kitchen.

The second type is Bedroom Sex. This is when you have settled down a bit and probably have kids, so you can't do it anywhere except the bedroom.

The third type of sex is Hallway Sex. This is when you pass each other in the hall and say, ''Screw you.''

But there's also a fourth kind called Courtroom Sex.

This is when you are getting a divorce and you try to screw each other in public.
 

A guy stops by to visit his friend. They talk for a while and then the friend asks, "My feet are cold. Would you be so kind as to go upstairs and get me my sneakers please?"

The guest obliges and goes upstairs.

There he sees his friend's daughters, both very good looking. Being the adventurous and quick thinking kind, he says, "Hi, ladies! Your daddy sent me here to have anal sex with you."

They stare at him and say, "That can't be!" He replies, "OK, let's check!" He shouts at his friend down the stairs, "Both of them?"

The father shouts back, "Yes, both of them!"

2 Inches

Guy, naked in front of the mirror: "Two inches more, and I would be a king."

WIFE: "Two inches less, and you'd be a queen."
 

Angus Broon of Glasgow comes to the little lady of the house exclaiming, "Maggie, cud ya be sewin on a wee button that's come off of me fly?I canna button me pants."

"Oh Angus ... I've got me hands in the dish pan, go up the stairs and see if Mrs. MacDonald could be helpin ya with it.

"About 5 minutes later there's a terrible crash, a bang, a bit of yelling and the sound of a body falling doon the stairs.

Walking back in the door with a blackend eye and a bloody nose comes Angus.

The little lady looks at him and says, "My god,what happened to ya? Did you ask her like I told you?"

"Aye," says Angus. "I asked her to sew on the wee button an she did. Everything was goin fine but when she bent doon to bite off the wee thread, Mr. MacDonald walked in...
 

A young man in Turkey is living in his one bedroom flat with his two wives when a friend of his comes to stay for the night.

The man asks his wives to prepare a bed for his friend for the night and they all go to sleep.

After a time, the man's first wife says to him, "Let's make love!"

The man replies, "But, my friend is sleeping in the bed right next to us!"

The first wife says, "I'll go and open up the refrigerator and get a glass of water. If your friend doesn't stir, then we'll know it is safe to have sex."

So the first wife gets up and gets a glass of water. After making a bit of noise, the friend doesn't seem to notice.

They have sex.

After a time, the man's second wife says, "Now it's my turn!"

The man replies, "Ah, but my friend will surely awake this time!"

The wife says, "I'll go get another glass of water from the refrigerator.If he wakes up, we'll know it isn't safe."

The second wife gets up and gets a glass of water. After making a bit of noise, the friend still doesn't stir.

They have sex.

In the morning, the man asks his friend "Did you sleep well last night?" The friend responds, "Yes, thank you. I was a little bit thirsty though..."

The man offers, "Oh, you could have gotten a glass of water out of the refrigerator."

To which the friend responds, "Well, I was thinking about it, but anyone who went to the refrigerator last night you screwed for an hour!"
 

One day, good news circulated around the testicle.

Apparently,the host and his wife had been talking about having kids.

Well,one young sperm decided that he would be the first one to the egg, so he immediately began a rigorous exercise program to get in prime condition for the upcoming race. He practiced for hours a day, and soon had broken the record for laps around the seminal vesicle.

Then, one day it was time to line up for the big race to the egg. All the sperm lined up in the vas deferens, and the eager sperm forced his way to the front of the pack.

The go ahead was given to start the race, and the marathon sperm shot far ahead of all the rest.

The others had just lost sight of him when he suddenly turned around and started swimming upstream as fast as he could.

As the others passed him they shouted "What's wrong?"

"BLOW JOB!!!!"
 

"Say," said the smooth operator in a confidential tone to the host of the party, "there's a lot of hot babes at this party.

If I find one that's ready to grab a quick one, would you mind if I use your extra bedroom?"

"What about your wife?""Oh, I won't be gone for a long time. She will never even miss me."

"No, I'm sure she won't miss you," smirked the host, "but fifteen minutes ago, she borrowed the extra bedroom!"
 

A man is in a hotel lobby and wants to ask the clerk a question.

As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and his elbow pokes her in the breast.

They are both quite startled.The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me.

"She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 436."
 

Good: Your children are sexually active.
Bad: With each other
Worse: And your wife.

Good: Hot outdoor sex.
Bad: Getting arrested.
Worse: By your husband

Good: The teacher likes your son.
Bad: Sexually.
Worse: The teacher is a he.

Good: You go home for a quickie.
Bad: you get caught by your wife
Worse: You're with her sister.
 

There was once a stockbroker who had made a ton of money off the stock market and decided to retire to a ranch in Montana.

One day he was out in his front yard planting some flowers when he sees dirt flying up behind a truck.

The truck pulls into his driveway and a famer gets out of his truck.

"Hi, my name is George. I'm your neighbor. I live about five miles away and I came to invite you to a party I am having tonight."

"What kind of a party is it?" asks the stockbroker.

"Oh, we're going to do a little dancing, a little fighting, a little eating, little drinking, and a little screwing."

"That sounds great,' said the stockbroker. "What should I wear?"

"I don't care," said George. "It's just gonna be the two of us."
 

Well, my dad was having "that" conversation with me when I was about 12 or 13.

He said that if you masturbate you'll go blind.

I said, "I'm over here dad...
 

A man brings his wife a glass of water and two aspirins.

She looks surprised and says, I don't have a headache!"

He says, "Aha!"
 

Have you heard about the new super-sensitive condoms?

The Condom hangs around after the man leaves and talks to the woman.
 

My sex life is so bad ...

… that when I called one of those phone sex lines, a voice
came on and said, "Not tonight. I have an earache."
 

The Texas teeny-bopper told a classmate, "I'll let you do it for $20 -- $10 to put it in and $10 to take it out."

The boy quickly agreed.

The couple went into the woods, and the young thang slipped off her panties and laid back.

The boy slipped in his erection and handed her a $10 bill. And then, when he was finished, he handed her another $10 and she released him.

The next week, he requested her again, and she agreed.

This time, he handed her the $10 then, when he had finished, he just lay there.

After about 10 minutes, she said "OK, Billy! Take it out now."

He continued to lie there and said, "I can't -- I don't have any more money."
 

Three college roommates -- two females and a male -- began to argue after dinner about whose turn it was to do the dishes.

"All right," one of the girls said, "the first one to speak has to do them."

The trio retired to the living room to watch TV.

When their neighbor, a school football star, came by, the three remained silent.

The visitor shrugged and led one of the girls into her bedroom.

Forty-five minutes later, the young man emerged and approached the second girl.

Through sign language, they agreed to adjourn to her bedroom.

When he came out, he began to fix himself a cup of tea but burned his fingers on the stove.

"Hey, where's some petroleum jelly?" he hollered from the kitchen.

"Oh, hell!" the male roommate said, jumping up. "I'll do the dishes." "D
 

A guy on a date parks and gets the girl in the back seat and they make love.

The girl wants it again and the guy obliges her.

She wants more and they do it again.

She still wants more and the guy says "Excuse me a minute, I have to relive myself."

While out of the car he notices a guy a half block away changing a flat.

He asks the guy "Look, I've got this gal in my car and I've given it to her four or five times and she still wants more.

I'll change your flat if you'll take over for me."

The guy does and is just getting in the high numbers when a cop knocks on the window and shines a light on them.

The cop asks "What're you doing in there?"

The guy says "I'm making love to my wife."

The cop asks "Why don't you do that at home?"

The guy answers"To tell you the truth, I didn't know it was my wife until you shined the light on her."

What's Smoreplay?

It's what Smurfs do before they Smuck...
 

A young girl hadn't been feeling well, so she went to her family doctor.

The doctor ran some tests and then told her she was pregnant.

The girl said, "I can't be! The only men I've been around are nudists from my colony and we only practice sex with our eyes."

"Well, my dear," said the doctor. "Someone in that colony must be cockeyed."
 

7 wise men with minds divine,
created a pussy to their design.

1st was the butcher, smart with wit,
with his knife he created a slit.

2nd was the carpenter, strong and bold,
with a hammer and chisel he made a hole.

3rd was the tailor, tall and thin,
with red velvet he lined within.

4th was the hunter, short and stout,
with a fox skin he lined without.

5th was the fisherman, mean as hell,
threw in a fish and gave it a smell.

6th was the preacher whose name was MaGee,
he touched, blessed it, and said it could pee.

7th was the biker, a real little runt,
he fucked it and sucked it and called it a CUNT.
 

Things Not To Say During Sex

But everybody looks funny naked!

You woke me up for that?

Did I mention the video camera?

Do you smell something burning?

(In a janitor's closet) And they say romance is dead...

Try breathing through your nose.

A little rug burn never hurt anyone!

Is that a Medic-Alert Pendant?

Sweetheart, did you lock the back door?

But whipped cream makes me break out.

Person 1: This is your first time... right? Person 2: Yeah... today.

Hurry up! This room rents by the hour!

Can you please pass me the remote control?

Do you accept Visa?

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

On second thought, let's turn off the lights.

And to think -- I was really trying to pick up your friend!

So much for mouth-to-mouth.

(Using body paint) Try not to leave any stains, okay?

Hope you're as good looking when I'm sober...

(Holding a banana) It's just a little trick I learned at the zoo!

Do you get any premium movie channels?

Try not to smear my make-up, will ya!

(Preparing to incorporate peanut butter) But I just steam-cleaned this couch!

Got any penicillin?

But I just brushed my teeth...

Smile, you're on Candid Camera!

I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs!

I want a baby!

So much for the fulfillment of sexual fantasies!

Maybe we should call Dr. Ruth...

Did you know the ceiling needs painting?

I think you have it on backwards.

When is this supposed to feel good?

Put that blender back in the kitchen where it belongs!

You're good enough to do this for a living!

Is that blood on the headboard?

Did I remember to take my pill?

Are you sure I don't know you from somewhere?

I wish we got the Playboy channel...

That leak better be from the waterbed!

I told you it wouldn't work without batteries!

But my cat always sleeps on that pillow..

Did I tell you my Aunt Martha died in this bed?

If you quit smoking you might have more endurance.

No, really... I do this part better myself!

It's nice being in bed with a woman I don't have to inflate!

This would be more fun with a few more people.

You're almost as good as my ex!

Do you know the definition of statutory rape?

Is that you I smell or is it your mattress stuffed with rotten potatoes?

You look younger than you feel.

Perhaps you're just out of practice.

You sweat more than a galloping stallion!

They're not cracker crumbs, it's just a rash.

Now I know why he/she dumped you...

Does your husband own a sawed-off shotgun?

You give me reason to conclude that foreplay is overrated.

What tampon?

Have you ever considered liposuction?

And to think, I didn't even have to buy you dinner!

What are you planning to make for breakfast?

I have a confession...

I was so horny tonight I would have taken a duck home!

Are those real or am I just behind the times?

Were you by any chance repressed as a child?

Is that a hanging sculpture?

You'll still vote for me, won't you?

Did I mention my transsexual operation?

I really hate women who actually think sex means something!

Did you come yet, dear?

I'll tell you who I'm fanatasizing about if you tell me who you're fantasizing about...

A good plastic surgeon can take care of that in no time!

Does this count as a date?

Oprah Winfrey had a show about men like you!

Hic! I need another beer for this please.

I think biting is romantic -- don't you?

You can cook, too right?

When would you like to meet my parents?

Man: Maybe it would help if I thought about someone I really like... Woman: Yourself?

Have you seen ''Fatal Attraction''?

Sorry about the name tags, I'm not very good with names.

Don't mind me.. I always file my nails in bed.

(In a phone booth) Do you mind if I make a few phone calls?

I hope I didn't forget to turn the gas oven off. Do you have a light?

Don't worry, my dog's really friendly for a Doberman.

Sorry but I don't do toes!

You could at least ACT like you're enjoying it!

Petroleum jelly or no petroleum jelly, I said NO!

Keep it down, my mother is a light sleeper...

I'll bet you didn't know I work for ''The Enquirer''.

So that's why they call you Mr. Flash!

My old girlfriend used to do it a LOT longer!

Is this a sin too?

I've slept with more women than Wilt Chamberlain!

Hey, when is it going to be my friend's turn?

Long kisses clog my sinuses...

Please understand that I'm only doing this for a raise...

How long do you plan to be ''almost there''?

You mean you're NOT my blind date?
 

The Lone Ranger and Tonto were in the desert.

Tonto places his ear to the ground and announces, "Buffalo come."

Amazed, the lone ranger inquires, "How can you tell?"

Tonto replies, "Ear sticky!"
 

Student: In your last paper you mentioned something about 6.9.

What's 6.9

Teacher: A good time interrupted by a period.

*************************************************************
Sex is not the answer.

Sex is the question.

"Yes" is the answer..
 

Zeus and Thor are up on Mt. Olympus and Thor is moping around looking really depressed.

Zeus asks Thor what's wrong.

Thor says he's really depressed as he misses the companionship and love of a woman.

Zeus tells Thor that he'll fix the problem and sends Thor down to earth. Thor lands in the backyard of an Australian woman hanging out clothes on the line and they run inside for a weekend of passionate lovemaking.

After the weekend Thor is back at Mt. Olympus walking around with a big grin on his face.

Zeus sees him and asks him was it a success.

Thor says yes, it was just what he needed.

Zeus asks him details of what happened and then asks Thor what the woman's name was.

Thor cannot answer him, as he did not bother to find out.

Zeus, in a fit of rage, sends Thor back down to find out the woman's name.

Arriving in the backyard of the Australian woman (who is again hanging out her clothes) he calls out, ''Hi, I'm Thor.''

She in return yells out, ''You're Thor? I'm tho thaw I can hardly pith!''
 

Sex N Football

Do you remember primary school/junior high/high school? Do you remember talking about 'the bases' with your friends?

... Well forget 'em!! This is **FOOTBALL**. With the all new standardized guide to Football, you can forget any of the previous complications of having to remember what second base was or any of that shit. And you wonder why there is a strike in Baseball and not Football! Quite simply, Baseball is a boring, confusing, and often an ambiguous game especially when trying to compare it to sexual experiences. Whereas Football was invented for the soul purpose of understanding where you and your friends are at.

Basically the game of Football is one big sex metaphor. No one has discovered that yet, but as you will soon see, the complications of modern romance are easily solved here, in The Original Handbook of Football!

Okay now for the yard lines.
Your 10 yrd ln.....holding hands "

20 yrd ln.....hugging "

30 yrd ln.....kiss on the cheek "

40 yrd ln.....kiss on the mouth "

50 yrd ln.....tongue kiss (mid-field means it's serious)

His/Her 40 yrd ln.....shirt and bra off

(feeling and carousing) 30 yrd ln.....all clothes off

20 yrd ln.....oral sex 1st and goal..put on the condom

Goal line.....touchdown (sexual intercourse)

Now for some important definitions:

Kickoff-- making the first move (asking for a date) Kicking itdeep-- asking out a virgin (starting out deep in your own end)

On-side kick-- asking out a slut/stud (starting out close to mid-field)

Kick returns-- how far you go on the first date

Downs-- attempt to get more yards (2 down and then you have to punt again)

You get an extra down in the NFL Running the ball-- taking it a yard at a time Passing-- skipping stages / yards Fumble-- impotency Fumble recovery-- regain erection Interception-- going the other way (homosexuality)

Turnover-- Field Goal-- only one of you has orgasm (she fakes it)

Touchdown-- mutual orgasm

Extra point-- the smoke afterwards 2 point conversion-- a smoke and a phone # High Scoring

Game--multiple orgasms Rain delay-- Parents/ roomate comes back early

Some important positions:

Quarterback-- the most important placement (missionary position) Quarterback sneak-- unusual positions Hupper (center

-- doggie style Tight End--self-explanatory Wide Receiver

-- opposite of a tight end Nose Tackle-- self-explanatory

Running Back-- a hand off Defensive Line-- protection (all forms)

Break in the defense-- condom breaks

Penalties: Roughing--S & M Holding-- rope burn or hand cuffs

Offside-- premature ejactulation

Other important terms: Pile up-- orgy Tackle-- kick in groin (stopped) Miss the FG-- wide right, wide left, or short 3rd down and inches-- call for yard stick (measurements) Superbowl--

Marriage Grey Cup-- live in (not full status)

Fiesta Bowl-- Sex in South America

The Plays:

Play 1. There was on an on-side kick to what I thought was a wide receiver but it turned out to be a tight end, so there was a turnover.

Play 2. The ball was kicked deep withno return. I ran the ball to mid-field but decided to go to the passing game. The passing play didn't work because of a rain delay. When the game resumed, the next down was when the running back took it to the 10 yard line. With 1st and goal, the action moved from the Hupper to the Quarterback and then thre was a quarterback sneak. The game turned out to be the highest scoring Fiesta Bowl ever!!

Play 3. I was tacked in the massive pile up...

Play 4. It was 3rd down and inches on the 20 yard line but on the Field Goal attempt I was short.

Play 5. I was kicked out of the pile up; I was holding and roughing.
 

Did you hear about the man who took Viagra and a laxative at the same time?

He didn't know if he was coming or going.
 

Advantages

1. It can get really weird

2. Someone can go for beer without interrupting the proceedings

3. There's always a hand or mouth free when you need one

4. Motel rooms split 3 ways are only $30.00

5. You get to watch your best friends making love

6. You get to get watched making love

7. Simultaneous enjoying intercourse and oral sex has to be experienced to be believed

8. You get strange looks when you all go out dancing

9. You get really strange looks when you all go out comparison shopping for condoms

10. Enough people to play gin rummy if things don't work out

11. You can safely check yourself for any homosexual tendencies without actually doing anything about it

12. Calling out the wrong name during climax isn't as much of a problem, the "wrong name" is probably the one on your left

13. Three-person showers are fantastic

14. Three-person naked belly laughs are even better

15. Three-person kisses are best

Disadvantages

1. It can get really weird

2. Tougher for three people to decide on pizza toppings

3. Simultaneous orgasms are even trickier to pull off

4. You may harbor paranoid thoughts that while you're in the bathroom; the other two are giggling over the pimple on your butt

5. Trying to find safe places to put your elbows

6. You get to find out what kind of really sick things your friends like

7. Queen-sized beds are suddenly smaller than you remember them

8. Trying to fit 3 names in the little heart when drawing on your notebooks

9. Morning breath multiplied by 3

10. You might discover homosexual tendencies you didn't suspect or want

11. You might discover homosexual tendencies in one of your friends you didn't suspect or want

12. You have the option of wrecking twice the normal number of relationships

13. The odds of boyfriends/spouses walking in on you triple

14. Sorting clothes quickly when the significant other walks in assumes comical proportions

15. Now there are two wet spots to avoid.
 

Our hero grabs a bottle of merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips.

''What are you doing, Pierre?'' says the startled Marie.

''I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I have red wine!''

She smiles and they start kissing.

When things began to heat up a little, Marie says, ''Pierre, kiss me lower.'' Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of chardonnay and starts pouring it all over her breasts.

''Pierre! what are you doing?!'' asks the bewildered Marie.

''I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I have white wine!''

They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up.

Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, ''Pierre, kiss me lower!''

Our hero rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of cognac and pours it in her lap. He then strikes a match and lights it on fire.

Marie shrieks and dives into the river.

Standing waist deep, Marie throws her arms up and screams furiously, ''Pierre, what in the hell do you think you're doing?''

Our hero stands up defiantly and says, ''I am Pierre the fighter pilot!

If I go down, I go down in flames!!''
 

Cyber-Sex Script

WELLHUNG: Hello, Sweetheart. What do you look like?

SWEETHEART: I am wearing a red silk blouse, a miniskirt and high heels. I work out every day, I'm toned and perfect. My measurements are 36-24-36. What do you look like?

WELLHUNG: I'm 6'3'' and about 250 pounds. I wear glasses and I have on a pair of blue sweat pants I just bought from Walmart. I'm also wearing a T-shirt with a few spots of barbecue sauce on it from dinner...it smells funny.

SWEETHEART: I want you. Would you like to screw me?

WELLHUNG: OK

SWEETHEART: We're in my bedroom. There's soft music playing on the stereo and candles on my dresser and night table. I'm looking up into your eyes, smiling. My hand works its way down to your crotch and begins to fondle your huge, swelling bulge.

WELLHUNG: I'm gulping, I'm beginning to sweat.

SWEETHEART: I'm throwing my head back in pleasure. The cool silk slides off my warm skin. I'm rubbing you're bulge faster, pulling and rubbing.

WELLHUNG: I'm fumbling with the clasp on your bra. I think it's stuck. Do you have any scissors?

SWEETHEART: I take your hand and kiss it softly. I'm reaching back undoing the clasp. The bra slides off my body. The air caresses my breast. My nipples are erect for you.

WELLHUNG: How did you do that? I'm picking up the bra and inspecting the clasp.

SWEETHEART: I'm arching my back. Oh baby. I just want to feel your tongue all over me.

WELLHUNG: I'm dropping the bra. Now I'm licking your, you know, breasts. They're neat!

SWEETHEART: I'm running my fingers through your hair. Now I'm nibbling your ear.

WELLHUNG: I suddenly sneeze. Your breast are covered with spit and phlegm.

SWEETHEART: What?

WELLHUNG: I'm so sorry; Really.

SWEETHEART: OK. I'm pulling your sweat pants down and rubbing your hard tool.

WELLHUNG: I'm screaming like a woman. Your hands are cold! Yeeee!

SWEETHEART: I'm pulling up my miniskirt. Take off my panties.

WELLHUNG: Your face is pushing my glasses into my face. It hurts.

SWEETHEART: Why don't you take off your glasses?

WELLHUNG: OK, but I can't see very well without them. I place the glasses on the night table.

SWEETHEART: I'm bending over the bed. Give it to me, baby!

WELLHUNG: I have to pee. I'm fumbling my way blindly across the room and toward the bathroom.

SWEETHEART: Hurry back, lover.

WELLHUNG: I find the bathroom and it's dark. I'm feeling around for the toilet. I lift the lid.

SWEETHEART: I'm waiting eagerly for your return.

WELLHUNG: I'm done going. I'm feeling around for the flush handle, but I can't find it. Uh-oh!

SWEETHEART: What's the matter now?

WELLHUNG: I've realized that I've peed into your laundry hamper. Sorry again. I'm walking back to the bedroom now, blindly feeling my way.

SWEETHEART: Mmm, yes. Come on.

WELLHUNG: OK, now I'm going to put my...you know...thing...in your...you know...woman's thing.

SWEETHEART: Yes! Do it, baby! Do it!

WELLHUNG: I'm touching your smooth butt. It feels so nice. I kiss your neck. Umm, I'm having a little trouble here.

SWEETHEART: I'm moving my ass back and forth, moaning. I can't stand it another second! Slide in! Screw me now!

WELLHUNG: I'm flaccid.

SWEETHEART: What?

WELLHUNG: I'm limp. I can't sustain an erection.

SWEETHEART: Go to hell. I'm logging off, you loser!

SWEETHEART: [logged off]
 

Q. Why is air a lot like sex?

A. Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.
 

Bob walked into a bar to see his good friend Joey looking extremely happy, happier than ever. Bob walked over to Joey and said, "What's up, man?"

Joey replied, "Oh, Bob, it's so wonderful! You would neverbelieve! You know the yacht I have on the other side of the river? Well last night I was standing in front of it and aGORGEOUS blonde walked up to me. Tits a size B, man! Tits size B! She asked me for a ride in my yacht to get to the other side.I said sure. When we got exactly into the middle of the river, I pulled down my pants and said, 'Sex or swim?' And she couldn'tswim, man. She couldn't swim!"

Bob thought this could make anyone feel great, and so he congratulated Joey and went home. The next day, Bob went back to the bar and saw Joey looking extremely glorified. He was smiling so wide and laughing very loud. Bob went over to him and said, "What's up, man?"

Joey replied, "Oh, Bob, it's so wonderful! You would never believe! Last night I was standing in front of my yacht and aGORGEOUS red head walked up to me. Tits a size C, man! size C! Tits Even bigger than the blonde's the other night! She asked
me for a ride in my yacht to get to the other side. I said sure. When we got exactly into the middle of the river, I pulled down my pants and said, 'Sex or swim?' And she couldn't swim, man!She couldn't swim!"

Bob agreed that this was terrific, patted his friend on the back, and went home. Finally, he came back to the bar the next day, and saw his friend Joey at the bar looking humiliated. He was miserable, crying, and drinking the strongest liquor imagionable. Bob went over to his friend worriedly and asked, "What's up, man?"

Joey replied, as a tear of frustration streaked down his cheek, "Oh, Bob, it's so terrible. You would never believe! Last night I was standing in front of my yacht and this GORGEOUS brounettewalked up to me. Tits a size D, man! Tits size D! Even bigger than the blonde's and the red-heads the other nights! She askedme for a ride in my yactch. I said sure. When we got exactly to the middle of the river, I was about to do my usual line and get lucky, when all of the sudden, the brunette pulled down her pants. She had a foot long dick! She said, 'Sex or swim?' And I couldn't swim, man! I couldn't swim!"
 

Two guys are having a beer, talking about various sex positions. The first guy says that his favorite position is the "rodeo."

The other guy asks what the position is and how to do it.

The first replies, "Well, get your wife on all fours and do it doggy style. Once things get underway and she's really enjoying it, lean forward and whisper in her ear, 'Your sister likes this position as well.' Then try and hang on for 8 seconds."
 

A man is sitting next to a woman on a jet that is about to take off.

Suddenly, the man sneezes. He unzips his pants and wipes himself off with his handkerchief. He zips up, and continues reading his magazine.

The woman cannot believe what she has just seen. Then he sneezes again, unzips, and wipes himself off again with the handkerchief.

The woman says, "Excuse me, sir, but that's disgusting and rude! If you do it again, I'm going to call the flight attendant and have you removed from this plane."

He says, "I'm so sorry that I've offended you. I have this very rare, embarrassing physical handicap that causes me to orgasm every time I sneeze."

The woman, disarmed by the man's honesty, and somewhat embarrassed by her own callousness, says with sympathy, "Oh you poor man, what are you taking for it?"

"Pepper," he answers.
 

Judi decides to do something wild she hasn't done before, so she sets out to rent her first X-rated adult video.

She goes to the video store and, after looking around for a while, selects a title that sounds very stimulating.

She drives home, lights some candles, slips into something comfortable, and puts the tape in the VCR.

To her disappointment, there's nothing but static on the screen, so she calls the video store to complain.

Judi: "I just rented an adult movie from you and there's nothing on the tape, but static."

Store Clerk: "Sorry about that. We've had problems with some of those tapes.

Which title did you rent?"

Judi: "It's called 'Head Cleaner'."

 

A young farm girl answers the door and sees an older neighbor there.

Girl: "My father isn't home, but I know what you want and I can help you. You want our bull to service your cow. Well, my father charges one hundred dollars for his best bull."

Neighbor: "That's not I want."

Girl: "We have a young bull who is just starting out. My father charges fifty dollars for him."

Neighbor: "That's not I want."

Girl: "We have an old bull out in the pasture. He can still do a job. My father charges only ten dollars for him."

Neighbor: "That's not what I want. I came here to see your father about your brother. Your brother Elmer made my daughter pregnant."

Girl: "Oh. You'll have to see my father about that because I don't know what my father charges for Elmer."
 

Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse were in divorce court.

"Mickey," the judge said, "I'm sorry. I can't grant you a divorce on the grounds of insanity. Minnie seems quite sane to me."

"I didn't say she was insane!" exclaimed Mickey. "I said she was fucking Goofy!"
 

"How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather hopefully.

"Oh, I like to have it infrequently," she responded.

The old guy thought for a moment, then asked, "Was that one word or two?
 

Reputed to be a true story...

It's common practice in England to ring a telephone by signaling extra voltage across one side of the two wire circuit and ground (earth in England).

When the subscriber answers the phone, it switches to the two wire circuit for the conversation. This method allows two parties on the same line to be signaled without disturbing each other.

Anyway, an elderly lady with several pets called to say that her telephone failed to ring when her friends called; and that on the few occasions when it did ring her dog always barked first.

The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog.

He climbed a nearby telephone pole, hooked in his test set and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring.

He tried again. On the second try the dog barked loudly, followed by a ringing telephone. The telephone repairman climbed down from the pole to investigate and found:

1. A dog was tied to the telephone system's ground post via

an iron chain and collar.

2. The dog was receiving a 90 volt signaling current.

3. After several such jolts, the dog would start barking and

urinate on the ground.

4. The wet ground now completed the circuit and the phone would ring.

Which shows you that some problems can be fixed

by just pissing on them.
 

With the immense popularity of Viagra it's not surprising that the company has now started to produce versions of the drug for specific groups of customers:

Viagra Lite: For people who only want to masturbate
 

A father suspected that his son was bringing his girlfriend home from school so that he could have sex with her in the treehouse. The father decided that it was time to put an end to this practice and hid in the foliage above the treehouse. Just as he had expected the son and his girlfriend came into the treehouse and were soon hard at it.

The father was just about to put a stop to the act when the son cried out "Father, Father, up above, Give me strength for one more shove" and without any delay the father replied "Son, Son, down below, Move aside and give me a go".

I hear they just arrested a fellow who talks dirty to plants.

Caught him making an obscene fern call.
 

"If it weren't for pick-pocketers I'd have no sex life at all." --

Rodney Dangerfield
 

Why Most Professions Are Dirty

The Doctor because he says, "Take off your clothes."

The Dentist because he says, "Open wide."

The hairdresser because he says, "Do you want it teased or blown?"

The Milkman because he says, "Do you want it in front or in back?"

The Interior Decorator because he says, "Once you have it all in, you'll love it."

The Banker because he says, "If you take it out too soon, you'll lose interest."

The Police Officer because he says, "Spread 'em."

The Mailman because he always delivers his package.

The Pilot because he takes off fast and then slows down.

The Hunter because he always goes deep in the bush, shoots twice and always eats what he shoots.
 

A guy picked this woman up in a nightclub and took her home. While they were walking home he didn't say a thing.

"You're not the communicative type, are you?" she said as they were undressing.

"Nah," he replied and pulled out his old fella. "I do all my talking with this."

"Damn," said the girl as she leaned forward to look. "You don't have much to say, do you?"
 

There will be a new soft drink on the market soon
that will contain Viagra.

They're gonna call it "Mount 'N Do."
 

There are 2 kinds of people in this world.

Those that want to get ahead, and those that just want to get head.

Bill: Did I tell you about the worst blowjob I ever got?

Doug: No I don't think so.

Bill: Yeah, it was great.

 

Top 20 Reasons Why Chocolate is Better Than Sex

20) With chocolate size doesn't matter; it's always good.

19) When you have chocolate it does not keep your neighbors awake.

18) You are never too young or too old for chocolate.

17) You can have as many kinds of chocolate as you can handle.

16) Good chocolate is easy to find.

15) You can have chocolate at any time of the month.

14) Chocolate doesn't make you pregnant.

13) With chocolate there's no need to fake it.

12) You don't get hairs in your mouth with chocolate.

11) You can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting your face slapped.

10) You can have chocolate on top of your desk during working hours without upsetting your coworkers.

9) The word ''commitment'' doesn't scare off chocolate.

8) Two people of the same sex can have chocolate without being called nasty names.

7) If you bite the nuts too hard the chocolate won't mind.

6) You can have chocolate in front of your mother.

5) You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to.

4) You can safely have chocolate while you are driving.

3) Chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft.

2) ''If you love me you'll swallow that'' has real meaning with chocolate.

1) You can get chocolate.

 

Freshman Guide to Bra Removal

OBJECTIVE
To disengage said bra without looking like an idiot. WHAT YOU NEED

1) Girl with bra

2) Two functional hands

3) Common Sense TECHNIQUES

1) THE HOUDINI HUG -- Using sleight-of-hand, place arms around girl and unhook bra. Try to refrain from saying, "Ta-da!"

2) MCGYVER'S OFF-THE-SHOULDER SLIDE -- An alternative method to use after ten minutes of unsuccessful hugging.

3) HILTON'S LAST RESORT -- Beg like a dog and learn to absorb the harsh sound of wicked laughter.

DO NOT USE: scissors, blowtorch, pliers, wire strippers, cutlery, Black Magic, staple remover, chainsaw, brute strength, CB4, set of lock picks, or chisel and hammer.

WARNING: When removing a bra you should not say the following:
1) "I really want to thank you for this."
2) "Dammit! I thought they were bigger."
3) "Do you have any cereal?"
 

Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Sex

How many perverts does it take to put in a light bulb?
Just one, but it takes the entire emergency room to get it out!

What's the definition of a teenager?
God's punishment for enjoying sex.

Hear the slogan for the Stealth Condom?
They'll never see you coming.

What do you call kinky sex with chocolate?
S&M&M.

What does Kodak film have in common with condoms?
Both capture the moment.

Define Transvestite:
A guy who likes to eat, drink, and be Mary!

Why is being in the military like a blowjob?
The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.

What do you call twelve naked men sitting on each other's shoulders?
A scrotum pole!

What's the ultimate in rejection?
When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep.

Why don't debutantes go to orgies?
There'd be too many thank-you notes to write.

What did the Indian say when the white man tied his penis in a knot?
''How come?''

What is every Amish woman's private fantasy?
Two Mennonite!

Why is sex like a game of bridge?
If you have a good hand, you don't need a partner.

Can you say three two-letter words that denote small?
Is it in?

What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies?
A bingo machine.

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One... Men will screw anything.

 

Lollipops

Shortly after a new police commissioner took office, the local "house of pleasure" was raided and the girls were lined up outside for questioning and transport to the Police Station.

A little old lady chanced to walk by while this was happening, and noticing the "line-up" asked what was happening. As a joke, one of the 'chicks' told her they were standing in line for free lollipops.

A few minutes later, a constable approached the elderly woman and asked, "Aren't you a little bit old for this?"

"Officer," she softly replied with a sweet smile, "as long as they keep making them, I'll keep sucking them.
 

40 Ways Women Fail In Bed

Those of you who are happily swimming around with a partner(s), you may find most of these right (if you're a man) or wrong (if you're a woman). For the rest who are simply sitting on the banks for now, take notes...

1. MILKING IT: When stroking a guy's dick don't grab it like a bus rail and start jerking it like you were milking a cow. Don't use the penis as if it's a piece of gym equipment to strengthen the forearms. The male organ is a thing of wonder and beauty, and should be worshipped and held tenderly at all times. The sensitive part is at the top (where your face should be), not two-thirds of the way down.

2. LETHAL WEAPONS: A guy's scrotum is a wondrous aesthetic achievement of nature to be treated gently. Don't squeeze the balls like you are squeezing water from a sponge. If you have long nails pull them off with pliers before even looking at a
guy's ball bag.

3. ROBOTS: When sucking a guy's dick don't just get on the end of the thing and jam your head back and forward. It's a beautiful instrument; it should be caressed, inspected, kissed and licked from every angle.

4. SILENT FRIGHT: If you've come and cannot be aroused to scream to show your appreciation, at least make some sort of sign to inform the guy that he's done his duty and can blow his biscuits whenever he wants. A finger up his ass should do the trick.

5. PHONE TURN-Off: Don't put your cell or cordless phone next to the bed and say: I'm just waiting for a call from my hairdresser to confirm an appointment but we can carry on in the meantime."Ringing bells might have turned Quasimodo on but not your average stud with 10 pints of beer inside him.

6. NO LAUGHING MATTER: Don't laugh if your creative male lover gets carried away and says things like "Ride my hard cock you filthy cock-sucking slut" or "I want to rinse your mouth with my fresh, white love juice." Laughter at any aspect of the male
performance will not enhance it. Just be grateful you've got a guy who can speak whole sentences.

7. CLOSING UP: If a man is willing to take the trouble to come on your face, don't close your eyes. He wants you to share this ecstatic moment of joyful union with him. Semen is not likely to cause permanent blindness in most cases - but this is a risk you should be prepared to take for his happiness.

8. POOR PRESENTATION: Presentation is all important. Don't wait to be asked to get it doggy-style. Roll over and present your strawberry spider. You know you love it.

9. HANGING AROUND: When he is done, you should not kiss and cuddle, he does not want to touch you. You should leave the bed and leave him in peace. If you are a one-night stand you shouldleave the premises with out stealing anything or asking for a phone number.

10. BEING SHY: Always offer the Hershey Highway. You know you love it. If you don't like it that much, still offer it as you can quite easily play with yourself as he rams away.

11. BEING A DRIP: You always have tissues in your bag, use them to clean his sheets and any ball bag drippage if you have misbehaved and not swallowed everything.

12. LACK OF MAINTENANCE: Never ask a man if he likes your body as you will force him to lie. Men don't like fat chicks. Get in the gym and lose some weight and tighten those buns and thighs. There is no such thing as the perfect body. 99.6 per cent of men say that even Christy, Elle, Naomi et al could still lose a few pounds - so what chance have you got?

13. CLOCK-WATCHING: Never, ever, ever, ever even think of saying: "Are you going to come soon." If you're doing a blow job, you'd have to take your mouth off to utter the question. If you're giving a hand-job, you should have gone to the gym to
work your biceps. If he's shagging you and takes more than 10 minutes you should be grateful. This is not a time trial but a blissful act of union between two sexually aware and gifted human beings.

14. FISHING FOR COMPLIMENTS: Don't ask him if you're the best lover he's ever had. Most men have had so many sexual partners that it is unlikely that you are. Please don't ask a man to lie about such an important thing.

15. PLAYING DEAD: Don't just lie there, do something. Good sex is not a spectator sport and it helps if both parties move around a bit. I know you expect the men to do all the hard and skillful work. We don't mind that and we're blessed with the equipment and know-how to do it and need you to get into the act to show your appreciation.

16. BEING POSSESSIVE: If you are lucky to have an imaginative lover who can satisfy two women at a time don't sneer at or reject his exciting suggestion that one of your friends joinsyou to make up a threesome. If he's a real man he's probably shagging her anyway. Plus you might learn something from her to keep your man really happy.

17. NOT KEEPING YOUR HAIR ON: Don't shave all your pubic hair off. It makes your pussy look like a piece of poultry past its sell-by date. At best, it looks like the snatch of a ten-year-old. If you want to trim, go for a nice sexy racing stripe in the manner favoured by the Playboy models that your man would rather be shagging.

18. SPITTING IT OUT: When a man has gone to so much trouble to ejaculate and get his aim right into your mouth, it is rude to spit it out without savouring the taste and gluey texture. You should play with semen like a block of Hubba Bubba, blowing
bubbles, chewing and throwing from side to side. A line like "I love it when you come in my mouth" makes for a happy finale to fun and games.

19. INGRATITUDE: Never forget to thank a man for all the effort and energy he has expended on making love to you - especially if: a) sex has lasted more than five minutes and/or b) you managed to achieve an orgasm. A man's role in sex is far more demanding than a woman's so it is always nice when one's prowess is appreciated.

20. SEEKING FAVOURS: Never contemplate taking advantage of your man's warm after-sex glow to seek favours or make requests. As he drops off into well-deserved slumber, resist the urge to ask "Do you think I should buy thatdress /skirt /sofa/ Mercedes/country cottage?" There is a name for the practice of mixing sex with material gain - prostitution.

21. BED-RIDDEN: Too many women fail in bed because they insist on being IN BED. Very few countries have statutes limiting horseplay to a designated room. Let yourself go with some sex in the study, bonking in the bathroom and kinkiness in the kitchen. If you're lucky, your man might imagine he's bonking someone sexy and adventurous and he might manage a larger, harder erection.

22. SHARING NOT CARING: Whilst it is understandable that you would be excited after receiving a mouthful of cum, do not be thoughtless in expressing your gratitude by kissing your man on the lips. YOU like semen, HE doesn't. Be considerate, please.

23. BEING NAKED: Very few female bodies are good to look it so please make an effort to cover up as much as possible with exotic lingerie. Match the outfit to suit your bod. If you've got a half-decent arse but no tits for example, wear stockings and suspenders and cover your meagre mammaries with something silky.

24. TOO BRIGHT: If the man switches the light off, it is for a
reason, so please don't insist on seeing what's going on. If
he's got a bit of a beer belly or a love bite from a bonk
earlier that day, it is his right to keep such matters to
himself. If he wants it dark so he can imagine he's shafting
Nicole Kidman, please understand this fascinating aspect of the
male psyche.

25. PLAYING THE NAME GAME (1) Never embarrass a gentleman by
challenging him to remember your name after he's shagged you. If
he thought it was important to remember your name, he would
have.

26. PLAYING THE NAME GAME (2): Don't be angry if you're lover
shouts out another woman's name during the sexual act. Men have
much more complicated lives than women and deal with many more
people at work, football club, gym, pub, etc. It's probably just
a close associate and totally innocent. Of course, he might be
shagging someone else in his spare time and it is understandable
that he should make such an obvious mistake.

27. KEEPING HIM WAITING: Don't get him all turned on and the let his proud stiffy whither while you go to the bathroom and tone and moisturize every square centimetre of your body. The male erection can be sensitive to 45-minute delays while you go off to make yourself look presentable. If you must follow a strict
beauty regime, do it after he's shot his load and has started to snore.

28. TOOTHACHE: When we ask you to eat our cock, this should not be taken literally. I know it's hard to resist but keep the tooth action to a little nibble now and again.

29. YOU CAN'T HURRY, LOVE: If a woman is serious about good oral sex as part of foreplay, 20 minutes is the bare minimum required to give the subtle and complex penis a reasonable working over. Better allow for 45 minutes at least.

30. TWO DIMENSIONAL: It's not enough to be a specialist - even in the important skill of fellatio. To be regarded as a successful woman in bed, you must have a full portfolio of tricks. These should include a penchant for facial glazing and af amiliarity with idiosyncrasies of your man's anal region.

31. CAMERA SHY: If he wants to capture the beauty that is you during those special moments (so he can remember the bits he missed because he was drunk), help him by posing in a gorgeous, pouting way for the camera or video camera.

32. UNSWEET SMELL OF EXCESS: While men are more than happy to lick the pink clam, please give it a bit of a wash once or twice a week. You can have too much of a good thing.

33. OBSESSIVE: The female orgasm is over-rated so don't spoil everybody's fun by insisting on having one every time you have sex. Of course, if you do have lots, you should feel free to announce them.

34. PERIOD PAIN (1) : It's natural for a woman to beg for sex to but please do not a) pretend your period has finished or b) that it hasn't even started. Just go without and let your man catch up with his fantasies about your friends, his young and pretty
work colleagues and the girls he shagged before he met you.

35. PERIOD PAIN (2): Having said that (above), just because you're on the rag, it doesn't mean his natural and healthy urges have gone away. Don't put sex off limits for the duration of your period. Use this special time together to work on your oral
and massage techniques.

36. THE BIG SWITCH (OFF): Nothing is worse than giving a man some encouragement and then not finishing the job. Such encouragement might be the slightest brush against any part of his body. So if he's got a stiffy, you've got to deal with it and take things through to their natural conclusion.

37. WAKE-UP CALLER: Men have busy and demanding schedules so please understand if he should occasionally (say three times a week) fall asleep while on the job. You should take it as a compliment that he feels so relaxed.

38. COVER UP: If you have lured a man to bed under the guise of being a sultry temptress with long eyelashes and painted lips, please keep the illusion going until he has discharged his porridge gun or fallen asleep. If you care about him, you will
make sure he never discovers the terrible secret hidden beneath your caked-on make-up.

39. PUTTING A DAMPENER ON THE EVENING: Don't make a fuss about sleeping on the damp patch. If God wanted men to sleep on the mess remains of coitus, he would have given us a snatch.

40. TV SINNER: The only TV programmes suitable for accompanying good sex are hardcore porn (especially involving yourself) or a football match. No gardening or knitting programmes to be watched.

 

Rated G

I heard that a truck loaded with Viagra crashed into the Willamette River in Oregon and now ..

none of the bridges will come down...
 

What's the difference between a young hooker and an old hooker?

The young hooker uses Vaseline and an old hooker uses Poli-Grip.
 

A guy walks into his local bordello and picks out a girl.

They go back to her room and start to discuss prices.

She says "It's $100 for a blow job,$200 for straight sex, and $250 for a Monica."

"What's a Monica?" he asks."

That's where I blow you now and screw you later."
 

What's the Golden Rule of streetwalking?

The customer always comes first.
 

The Black Condom

A man walks into a whorehouse looking for a little action and he goes up to the house owner and asks,“Hey, can I get a piece from one of your fine ladies you've got here?”

“Sorry sir,” the owner responds, “but, we're all full.”

“Aw, please I really need some poon tang!” And the owner awnswers, “Well, there is one girl left but when you go meet her you have to wear this black condom.”

“Whatever,” the man answers quickly and races upstairs.

A few hours later the man comes down and says ''WOW“ Wow, that was great. She didin't even make any noise. But why did I have to wear the black condom?”

And the owner answers, “Respect for the dead.”
 

Two Little Problems

Two twin brother, virgin midgets decide to get two hookers for their 21st birthday.

So the two grab two hookers, rent a hotel room, turn off the lights and proceed to partake in the festivities.

The first midget gets so nervous that he can't get it up.

After two hours of coaxing and stroking and praying, he throws the sheets over himself and gives up.

To makes things worse for the poor little fella, was that he had to listen to his brother say, ''One, two, three. Ugh! One, two, three. Ugh!'' all night long.

In the morning, the second midget greets his brother and asks him how his night went?

The first brother replies, ''Man, it was terrible. I couldn't even get my shit up.''

The second brother replies, ''You couldn't get it up? I couldn't even get on the bed."

This girl was riding in a car with her boyfriend.

She got bored and said "Every time you speed up 5MPH I'll take some clothes off.

"Well, this went on for about 15 minutes until she was naked and he was going about 95MPH.

They lost control of the car and crashed into a tree.

The guy was hurt pretty badly and his car door was crushed to the point where he couldn't open it.

His naked girlfriend was fine and could get out of the car. So, she took her boyfriend's shoe and put it in front of he crotch and covered her chest with her arm.

She flagged down a car.

Without thinking she said "HELP MY BOYFRIEND IS STUCK AND HE CAN'T GET OUT!!"

The guy in the car looked at the shoe on her crotch and his eyes got really big. He said "If he is that far in, he's not coming out!"
 

Prostitute's Prayer

"Now I lay me down to cheap."

**********************************************************

What's the difference between worry and panic?

Worry is the 1st time you can't do it a 2nd time!

Panic is the 2nd time you can't do it a 1st time!
 

FIRST GUY: Gee, the water sure is cold tonight!
SECOND GUY: Yeah. And it's DEEP, too!

------------------
And, hey! Let's be careful out there.

~Manny.
 

Fifi and Maria

Two guys always catch the train to work together; one is French, the other Italian.

Every morning when the French guy gets on, he passes his fingers underneath his nose while sniffing and says “Aaahhh... Fifi!” He does this every day, so the Italian guy says to him one morning, “Why do you do that and say 'Aaahhh... Fifi!'?”

The French man explaines that Fifi is his wife, and he fingers her every morning and it reminds him of her all day.

The next morning, the French guy gets on the trains and sniffs his fingers saying, “Fifi!”

Then the Italian guy gets on and runs his whole arm under his nose and says, “Aaahhh... Maria!”
 

Fathead

A man walks into the ice cream shop with his three sons.

"Josh will have vanilla, Jim will have chocolate, and Fathead will have strawberry."

Then the man smacks Fathead across the head.

The girl couldn't stand it. "Sir, I can't believe you treat your son like that.''

''There are only three things in life a man needs to be happy," said the man. "A nice house, a beautiful wife and a nice tight pussy.

Fathead here went and ruined that.''
 

A biker had been injured in an accident and was hospitalized.

Several nurses each had the opportunity to give him a sponge bath and were commenting on his genitals.

They all had noticed a tattoo of the word ''Little."

So they drew straws to see who would find out what the whole tattoo said.

The nurse with the shortest straw went into the guy's room while the others waited in the hall.

Suddenly, they heard a commotion, then moans of passion and a piercing scream. Finally, she came out of the room with her skirt up around her waist, her panties around one ankle and a contented smile on her face.

The others ask her what she found out. "It says 'Little Rock Arkansas, Big Dick Champion, 1993, 1994, 1995, 1996, 1997,1998. 1999, 2000 and 2001!'''
 

A nerdy little accountant is sent to jail for embezzlement and they put him in a cell with a huge guy with a big bulge.

The cellmate says, "I wanna have some sex. Are you gonna be the husband or the wife?"

The little guy says, "Well, if I have to be one or the other, I guess I'd rather be the husband."

The big guy says, "Okay. Now get over here and suck your wife's dick."
 

Did you hear the one about the man who got AIDS by oral contact from a prostitute? He got sent to the hospital thanks to 'ho spittle.
 

Rated X

A very naive British sailor is in a bar in London.

He meets a wild girl, and she takes him upstairs. She takes off her pants and her panties.

He looks between her legs, and he says, "What's that? "

She says, "It's me lower mouth."

He says, "What do you mean, 'your lower mouth?'"

She says, "Just what I said, it's me lower mouth. It's got a moustache... It's got lips..."

He asks, "Has it got a tongue in it?"

She says, "Not yet."

 

My husband came home from his doctor, Dr. Buffy Breathy M.D., and informed me that she told him that he was unable to make love anymore.

I already knew that, but how did SHE find out?!

 

After forty years of marriage, Frankenstein and the Bride of Frankenstein came to a stand still in their love life. Each night Frankenstein would come home from work, eat his dinner, and sit in front of the television set until he fell asleep. Dissatisfied with this arrangement, the Bride decided to seea therapist.

"He's never in the mood," complained the Bride.

"Try a romantic candlelight dinner," suggested the therapist.

The next day, the Bride returned to the therapist with a frown on her face."He's still not in the mood," she complained.

"This time," the therapist recommended, "Try something more seductive. Put on some sexy lingerie and lure him into the bedroom."

But the Bride returned to the therapist the following day complaining that her monster of a husband was still not in the mood. As a final piece of advice, the therapist said, "You should try to recreate the moment that first sparked your romance."

The next day the Bride returned with a huge grin on her face. "Thank you so much," she said to the therapist. "Last night, I forced Frankenstein to comeoutside in the middle of the lightening storm. And right there, in our backyard, he made love to me like it was our very first time."

"Making love in a lightening storm put him in the mood?" asked the therapist.

"Well," said the Bride of Frankenstein, "I tied a kite to his penis."
 

Hot tub tips for women It is not lady like to straddle a water jet, moan in ecstasy, then scream at the top of your lungs "Oh yes baby" Washing your partners back is sexy, washing your pantyhose is not It's OK to pass a joint while tubbing, it's not OK to pass gas

Don't think you're fooling anybody by trying to pass off your vibrator as a toy submarine.
 

An overweight, middle aged woman went to see her doctor and complained that her knees were aching.

The doctor was thinking this might be either a case of arthritis or, possibly, a difference in her daily activities, and asked her, "Have you done anything recently that involves being on your knees quite a bit?"

She replied that recently the only sex she'd had in the last couple of weeks was "doggy-style".

The doctor replied, "All you need to do is change your position for sex."

The woman responded, "Well, doggy-style's the only way my dog knows how to do it!"
 

Six year old Freddy and five year old Mindy were hiding in their big sister's closet as she entertained her boyfriend.

They heard much panting and moaning before their sister sighed, "Oh, John, you're in where no man's been before!

"Freddy turned to Mindy and said, "Wow! He must be putting her in the ass!"
 

During a lull in the rehearsal the groom and best man, two long time friends and playboys, began to compare conquests. The groom, looking out over the crowd, said to his best man, "You know Bill, except for my wife to be, my two sisters and my mother, I've made love to every woman in this room."

To which his friend responded, "Well then, between the two of us we've had them all!
 

The RIGHT (R) and WRONG (W) things to say to a man after sex:

R: You're the one
W: Next.

R: You really know how to satisfy a woman.
W: What the hell was that? Do you have to catch a plane or something?

R: You're the best I've ever had.
W: You're almost as good as my cousin Earl.

R: What color are your eyes?
W: What color do you want to paint the baby's room?

R: You make me forget my problems.
W: You make me forget I'm just 15.

R: I think we should go away for the weekend.
W: I think we should go to the clinic.

R: I love you.
W: Do you love me?
 

"What's this I hear about you breaking off your engagement Bernice? said her closest friend.

"Well," Bernice confirmed, "Although his diamond was of pretty good quality, his mounting left a lot to be desired."
 

Q. What's the difference between sin and shame?

A. It is a sin to put it in, but it's a shame to pull it out.
 

For instance, if she is ovulating, she is attracted to a man with rugged, masculine features and if she is menstruating, she is more prone to be attracted to a man with scissors shoved in his temple.

A woman has a lover during the day, while her husband is at work.

When her 9-year-old son comes home unexpectedly,she puts him in the closet and shuts the door. Then her husband comes home, so she puts her lover in the closet with the little boy.The little boy says, "Dark in here."

Lover Man says, "Yes, it is."

Little Boy - "I have a baseball."

Lover Man - "That's nice."

Little Boy - "Want to buy it?"

Lover Man - "No, thanks."

Little Boy - "My dad's outside."

Lover Man - "OK, how much?"

Little Boy - "$175.00"

A few weeks later, it happens again. The boy and the lover are in the closet together.

Boy - "Dark in here."

Man - "Yes, it is."

Boy - "I have a baseball mitt."

The lover remembering the last time says to the boy,"Okay, how much?"

Boy - "$375.00"\

Man -"Fine."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball back and forth."

The boy says, "I can't, I sold them."

The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"

The boy responds,"$550."

The father says, "That's terrible to take advantage of your friends like that. That is far more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."

They go to church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.The boy says:

"Dark in here."

The priest says, "Don't start that shit again."
 

I was eating lunch with a friend of mine in a crowded cafe and we were talking about our love lives. In the middle of the conversation she exclaimed, a little to loudly, "God, sex is such a pain in the ass."

An elder woman sitting at the next table leaned over to her and said "Darling, if sex is a pain in the ass, then I think you are doing it wrong."
 

LOVEMAKING TIPS FOR OLDER PERSONS

Put bifocals on.

Double check that you're with the right partner.

Set alarm on your clock for 2 minutes ... in case you doze off in the middle.

Set the mood with lighting. Turn 'em ALL OFF!

Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you begin ... just in case!

Write partner's name on your hand in case you can't remember what to scream out at the end.
 

An explorer is searching in the Amazon jungle for this lost tribe whose women are reputed to have vaginas that are three inches wide and twelve inches long.

Finally he finds the tribe and is invited to sit down with the chief.

"Is it correct," he says to the chief, "that your women have vaginas that are three inches wide and twelve inches long?"

"That correct, man," says the chief.

"However do you manage to have sex with women with vaginas that are three inches wide and twelve inches long?" inquires the explorer.

"The chief looks at him as if he were an idiot and says, "They stretch, man. They stretch!"
 

101 Things NOT to Say During Sex

But everybody looks funny naked!

You woke me up for that?

Did I mention the video camera?

Do you smell something burning?

What tampon?

Try breathing through your nose.

A little rug burn never hurt anyone.

Is that a Medic-Alert Pendant?

Sweetheart, did you lock the back door?

But whipped cream gives me the shits.

Can you make some noises, so that hottie next door thinks I'm good?

Hurry up! This room rents by the hour!

Can you please pass me the remote control?

Do you accept Visa?

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

Ew - on second thought, let's turn off the lights.

And to think - I was really trying to pick up your friend!

So much for mouth-to-mouth.

Try not to leave any stains, okay?

Hope you're as good looking when I'm sober...

(Holding a banana) It's just a little trick I learned at the zoo!

Do you get any premium movie channels?

Try not to smear my make-up, will ya!

(Preparing to incorporate peanut butter) But I just steam-cleaned this couch!

Got any penicillin?

But I just brushed my teeth...

Smile, you're on Candid Camera!

I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs!

I want a baby!

So much for the fulfillment of sexual fantasies!

(In a menage a trois) Why am I doing all the work?

Maybe we should call Dr. Ruth...

Did you know the ceiling needs painting?

I think you have it on backwards.

When is this supposed to feel good?

Put that blender back in the kitchen where it belongs!

You're good enough to do this for a living!

Is that blood on the headboard?

Did I remember to take my pill?

Are you sure I don't know you from somewhere?

I wish you'd let me put this bag on your head...

That leak better be from the waterbed!

I told you it wouldn't work without batteries!

So, how's your mother?

Did I tell you that I found this mattress on the side of the highway?

If you quit smoking you might have more endurance.

No, really... I do this part better myself!

It's nice being in bed with a woman I don't have to inflate!

This would be more fun with a few more grandparents.

You're almost as good as my ex!

Do you know the definition of statutory rape?

Is that you I smell or is it your mattress stuffed with rotten potatoes?

You look younger than you feel.

Perhaps you're just out of practice.

You sweat more than a galloping stallion!

They're not cracker crumbs, it's just a rash.

Now I know why he/she dumped you...

Does your husband own a sawed-off shotgun?

You give me reason to conclude that foreplay is overrated.

I hope my stomach doesn't look too puffy - I haven't shat in weeks.

Have you ever considered liposuction?

And to think, I didn't even have to buy you dinner!

What are you planning to make for breakfast?

I have a sickening confession...

I was so horny tonight I would have taken a duck home!

Are those real or am I just behind the times?

Were you by any chance repressed as a child?

Is that a hanging sculpture?

You'll still vote for me, won't you?

Did I mention my transsexual operation?

I really hate women who actually think sex means something!

Did you cum yet, dear? Did I?

I'll tell you who I'm fantasizing about if you tell me who you're fantasizing about...

A good plastic surgeon can take care of that in no time!

Does this count as a date?

Oprah Winfrey had a show about men like you!

Hic! I need another beer for this please.

I think purple nurples are romantic - don't you?

You can cook, too right?

When would you like to meet my parents?

Have you ever tried it in the nose?

Have you seen "Fatal Attraction"?

Sorry about the nametags, They're to avoid any embarrassment later.

Don't mind me… I always file my nails in bed.

(In a phone booth) Do you mind if I make a few phone calls?

I hope I didn't forget to turn the gas oven off. Do you have a light?

Don't worry, my dog's really friendly for a Doberman.

Sorry but I don't do toes!

You could at least ACT like you're enjoying it!

Petroleum jelly or no petroleum jelly, I said NO!

Keep it down, my mother is a light sleeper...

I'll bet you didn't know I work for ''The Enquirer''.

So that's why they call you Mr. Flash!

My old girlfriend used to do it a LOT longer!

Is this a sin too?

I've slept with more women than Wilt Chamberlain!

Hey, when is it going to be my friend's turn?

Long kisses clog my sinuses...

Please understand that I'm only doing this for a raise...

How long do you plan to be ''almost there''?

You mean you're NOT my blind date?
 

The young virgin farm boy drives to the big city insearch of a prostitute. He finds one, and explains he has never had sex before.
The hooker says, " No problem, honey."

She undresses the boy, then herself, and lies down onthe bed. He crawls on top of her.

"Okay, stick it in honey ... all the way in ... now pull it out ... now put it back in ... now pull it out ... "

"For goodness sake," says the boy, "will you make up your f*cking mind?"
 

A guy and a girl are lying in a bed after just having sex. The girl lays on her side of the bed and rests. The guy goes to his side of the bed and says to himself, "Man oh Man, I finally did it! I'm no longer a virgin."

The girl overhears him talking to himself and asks, "Are you saying you lost your virginity to me?"

"Well," the guy explains, "I always wanted to wait until I was with the woman I love to lose my virginity."

Astounded, the girl replies, "So you really love me?"

"Oh God no!" the guy says. "I just got sick of waiting."
 

A cowboy was riding across the plains when he encountered a beautiful young woman, completely naked, tied to the ground by 4 stakes. He dismounted, came over to her, and asked,"what happened to you, ma'am?"

"Thank God you've come!" she panted. "A terrible tragedy has happened. Indians surrounded our wagon, killed my husband, tied me up like this, raped me, then rode off with my children. They left me here to die in the hot sun.

Boy, am I glad you showed up!"

The whole time the woman is talking, the cowboy is unbuckling his pants, saying, "well, lady, looks like this just ain't gonna be your day!"
 

It’s Harold’s first day in the carpool. They honk the horn in front of his house and he comes running out. He gets about halfway down the walk when he hears a grunt and the sound of his wife’s foot tapping on the porch.

He turns around and there she is, scowling at him. He runs back to the steps, spreads her bathrobe, bends over, kisses her on the snatch, runs back down the walk and hops in the car.

They ride in silence for a few minutes, until Burnett, the driver, can’t stand it. Burnett asks, "Harold, it’s none of my business, but why’d you kiss her down there?"

Harold says, "You wouldn’t believe her breath in the morning".

"Bill is the same as ever." gossiped his wife on the telephone. "All he ever thinks about all day long is sex... sex... sex." "

Now that's just not true at all." called out Bill, relaxing in his recliner.

"For the past half-hour, I've been laying here thinking about you."
 

one night a trucker sees something way ahead on the center line so starts slowing down. Getting closer he sees movement and applies the brakes and pulls the airhorn.

Now he makes out a couple screwing and pushes harder on the brakes, airhorn blaring away. The couple doesn't miss a stroke.

He gets stopped just before running them over and is furious now.

Jumping out he screams "Whats the big idea? Didn't you hear me coming, didn't you hear my horn?"

"Yup" the young fellow says, still not missing a stroke. "I heard you coming, but we're cumming too and you're the only one with brakes."
 

This guy goes to a whorehouse and gets a whore for $10.

The next day he's itching like crazy. He goes back to the hooker to complain, saying, "You gave me crabs!"

She says, "What do you expect for $10, lobster?"

This guy is really into blow up dolls and rings hismail order supplier and says he wants something absolutely realistic.

The supplier says, "I have just the thing, 'Life-like Tina', So realistic you can't tell the difference!"

The guy orders one.

Meanwhile the supplier is looking at the box and cannot believe how realistic 'Life-like Tina' looks, so he decides to blow it up. Once inflated he gets really turned on and thinks, "What the hell!" and has sex with the doll.

Washing it afterwards, he neatly packages it and sends it out to the guy.

A month later the guy calls up, "You know that 'Life-like Tina' blow up doll you sent me? I cannot tell you how happy I am."

Supplier, "That's great!"

Guy, "Yeah, it's a totally believable experience."

Supplier, "Realistic then?"

Guy, "So realistic...I got syphilis."
 

Things that men don't want to hear...

...before sex

~Oh, its cute!
~Looks like a penis, only smaller
~You want to put that where?!
~Wow, you're brave…

...during sex

~It is in yet? … All of it?
~Stop!
~You must be a novice
~BORING

...after sex

~Thanks for nothing
~What do you mean "you're done"? … I only just got started!
~I got naked for that?!
~Thank goodness that torture's over with...

 

One night, three guys are at a bar talking and they all think their wives are cheating on them.

The first guy says he thinks his wife is screwing a plumber because he found a tool belt under his bed.

They all agree, and the second guy tells his story. He says he thinks his wife is screwing a judge because he found a robe and gavel under his bed.

They all agree, and then the third guy says, "That's nothing! My wife is the worst! I came home and found a cowboy under my bed. I can't believe she's screwing a horse."
 

The guy who invented the vibrator had a vision, and in that vision he heard voices:

''If you build it they will come.''
 

Nina and Rosey meet for lunch and Nina seems a little depressed.

"Whats wrong Nina? " asks Rosey.

Nina replies, "Well, a friend of mine set me up on a blind date and I told her the criteria I was looking for in a man. "

"Yeah, so, whats the problem?" asks Rosey.

"Well," Nina said, "My friend must have misunderstood me, cause the guy that showed up was as smart as a horse and hung like Einstein!"
 

A man and his son were driving along the road when his son turned to him and asked "Dad what is a womans vagina like before sex?"

Being a little stunned the father thought for a moment and said "Son it looks like a beautiful flower with large pink petals that are tinged cream at the ends."

The boy looked up at his father "Okay, what does it look like after sex?"

Again the father thought for a moment "Well son have you ever seen a bulldog chewing a mayonaise sandwich?"
 

It has been known for years that one can get AIDS from sex. However, nearly simultaneous studies authorized by former President Bill Clinton and the Reverend Jesse Jackson have confirmed that you can get sex from aides.

This has been substantiated recently by Representative Gary Condit from California.
 

Rules of Porn Forty-year-old divorced guys have no trouble scoring with large-breasted 18-year-old girls.

Forty-year-old divorced women have large-breasted 18-year-old bodies.

Oral sex is the only way to wake your lover up.

The wife has a secret stash of "toys" the husband has no clue about.

Anal sex requires very little preparation time. Even the first time.

Married men love fantasizing about their wives having sex with other men, and they will jump at the chance to let that fantasy come true.

A woman whose male lover has spurned her will invariably be a dyke by the end of the story.

Who needs condoms?

Young males get hard almost immediately after ejaculation (if they indeed lose erection at all) and are able to perform on multiple women. rolleyes:
 

The Food:

Woman asks her husband if he'd like some breakfast. "Would you like bacon and eggs, perhaps? A slice of toast?Grapefruit and coffee to follow?" she asks.

He declines. "It's this Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."

At lunchtime, she asks if he would like something. "A bowl of homemade soup, homemade muffins or a cheese sandwich?" she inquires.

He declines. "The Viagra," he says, "really trashes my desire for food.."

Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. Would he like maybe a steak and apple pie? Maybe he'd like a pizza microwaved or a tasty stir-fry that would only take a couple of minutes?

He declines. "Naw, still not hungry."

"Well," she says, "would you mind letting me up? I'm starving.
 

Hear the slogan for the Stealth Condom?

They'll never see you coming.
 

Sandie lost her husband almost four years ago and has not gotten out of her depression...mourning as if it were only yesterday.

Her daughter is constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the world.

Finally, Sandie says she'd go out, but didn't know anyone.

Her daughter immediately replies, "Mama! I have someone for you to meet."

Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asks her to join him for a weekend in the Catskills. And we know what that meant.

Their first night there she undresses, as does he.

She stood there nude except for a pair of black lacy panties.

He is in his birthday suit. Looking at her he asks, "Why the black panties?" She replies, "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning."

He knows he's not getting lucky that night. The following night, the same scenario. She's standing there with the black panties on and he is in his birthday suit; except that he has an erection, on which he has a black condom.

She looks at him and asks, "What's with this...a black condom?"

He replies, "I'd like to offer my condolences."
 

A guy and several of his buddies used to frequent a certain restaurant. The food was always good, but the waitress always looked and sounded very sour. One evening, one of the friends was feeling rather good, and jokingly asked the waitress when she came to take their orders, "Ma'am, do you believe in free love?"

The waitress huffed up and almost yelled at the man, "I certainly do not!"

With a great big grin, the man asked, "Well, Darlin', what do you charge?.."

 

The Ladies at Lunch.

Mary: You'll love this story from my friend who works in the ER.

Jill: What happened?

Mary: A woman came in with a cell phone shoved up her rectum!

Jill: You're kidding!

Mary: I'm not. The woman said she and her husband were playing some "adult games."

Jill: Well, it had to be either that, or she doesn't understand the meaning of phone sex
 

Every time an Indian walks into the chief's teepee he sees that the chief is masturbating. They finally realize this is a serious problem, so they fix him up with a nice woman, and she starts living with him in his teepee.

One day, one of the Indians walks into to chief's teepee and there's the chief masturbating again.

He says, "Chief, what are you doing? We fix you up with a beautiful woman."

The chief says, "Her arm get tired."


 

You Know You've Had Wild Sex When.....

* Your mattress has turned into a giant sponge.

* It takes five minutes to un-knot your bodies.

* An earthquake of 3.4 on the Richter Scale is recorded in your area.

* The cat's exhausted from just watching you.

* A trampoline company has to come to adjust your bed springs.

* You've both gone down one clothing size.

* You cancel your chiropractic appointment. There's nothing left to adjust.

* You have to breathe into a brown paper bag.

* Boy, are you hungry!

* You're absolutely satisfied yet uncontrollably horny at the same time.

"First," said the playboy, "I'm going to buy you a few drinks and get you a bit loose."

"Oh no you're not," said the girl.

"Then I'll take you to dinner and ply you with a few more drinks."

"Oh no you're not."

"Then I'll take you to my place and keep serving you drinks."

"Oh no you're not."

"Then I'm going to make violent, passionate love to you."

"Oh no you're not."

"And I'm not going to wear a condom either!" said the guy.

"Oh yes you are!" said the girl.

Bob goes on a blind date with this Canadian chick named Cindy. Later, after dinner and a movie, Cindy invites Bob up to her apartment to fool around.

She reclines on the couch, spreads her legs and says, "Stick a finger in me."

Bob obliges. Then Cindy says, "Stick in the other three."

Once again, Bob obliges. Then Cindy says, "Just go ahead and shove your whole hand in there."

So Bob eases his hand into Cindy, who then says, "Now shove in your other hand."

Bob does so, and Cindy says, "Now CLAP!"

Bob tries, but nothing doing. "I can't!" he says.

Cindy looks at him with a smile and says, "Pretty tight, eh?"

P.S. The joke originally said but I figured it should be

There was a very unusual hospital where one of the main treatments was that the nurses would take the male patients home and sleep with them. But there
was one patient, Rob, no one wanted to take him home. He was a small man, and he had tattooed on his penis the word SHORTY.

Well, finally, Valerie, feels sorry for him and takes him home and sleeps with him. She comes back to work the next day smiling. The other nurses ask what she
could possibly be so happy about after sleeping with a guy with SHORTY written on his penis.

"Yes," replies Valerie, "but when he becomes aroused, it says, SHORTY'S RESTAURANT AND PIZZERIA."

"Wow!" they say.

"ORDERS TO TAKE OUT," Valerie continues. "ALL BAKING DONE ON PREMISES...ESTABLISHED 1922...PARTIES ARE OUR SPECIALTY."
 

A woman was shaking out a rug on the balcony of her 17th floor condominium when a sudden gust of wind blew her over the railing.

"Damn, that was stupid," she thought as she fell. "What a way to die."

As she passed the 14th floor, a man standing at his railing caught her in his arms. While she looked at him in disbelieving gratitude, he asked, "Do you swallow?"

"No!" she shrieked, aghast.

So, he dropped her. As she passed the 12th floor, another man reached out and caught her.

"Do you screw?" he asked.

"Of course not!" she exclaimed before she could stop herself. He dropped her, too.

The poor woman prayed to God for one more chance. As luck would have it, she was caught a third time, by a man on the eighth floor.

"I swallow! I screw!" she screamed in panic.

"Slut!" he said, and dropped her.
 

Two couples were playing cards one evening. John accidentally droppedsome cards on the floor. When he bent down under thetable to pick themup, he noticed that Bill's wife's legs were spreadwide open and shewasn't wearing any underwear!

Shocked by this, John, upon trying to get back upagain, hit his head onthe table and emerged red-faced. Later, when John went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bill's wife followed andasked,"Did you see anything that you liked down there?"

Surprised by her boldness, John courageously admitted that, well, indeed he did. She said, "Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500."

After taking a moment or two to assess the financial situation as wellas the moral costs of her offer, John indicates thathe is indeedinterested. She tells him that since her husband,Bill, works Friday afternoons and John doesn't, that John should be at
her house around 2:00 PM on Friday afternoon.

When Friday rolls around, John shows up at Bill'shouse at 2:00 PM sharp for the planned time with his wife and, after paying her the agreed upon$500, they head to the bedroom and close their sexual transaction justas Sue had promised.Afterwards, John quickly dressed and left.

As usual, Bill arrives home from work at 6:00 PM and, upon entering thehouse, asks his wife abruptly, "Was John here thisafternoon?"

With a lump in her throat, Bill's wife answered, "Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon." Her heart nearly stopped when her husband curtly asked.
"And did he give you $500?" In terror, she assumed that somehow he had found out, and after mustering up her best poker face, replied, "Well, yes, in fact he did give me $500".

Bill, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, "Good, I was hoping he did. He came by the office this morning and borrowed $500 from me. He promised me he'd stop by our house on his way home this afternoon and pay me back."
 

Do you know why men are so smart during sex?

Because they are plugged into a genius.

 

The moon shown silver on the waters of the lake, and the waves that were beating on the shore were hardly equal in intensity to the waves of passion nearby.

One ardent couple paused long enough for the young man to whisper, "Darling am I the first man to make love to you?"

Her tone upon answering was slightly more than irritable. "Of course you are!" she said. "And the best too."
 

Nate and Barbara had really hit it off and at the end of the evening as they were beginning to undress each other in his apartment, Nate asked, "Before we go any further, Barbara, tell me do you have any special fetishes that I should take into account in bed?"

"As a matter of fact,"smiled Barbara, "I do happen to have a foot fetish... but I suppose I'll settle for four or five inches."

A lady went into a bar in Waco and saw a cowboy with his feet propped up on a table. He had the biggest feet she'd ever seen. The woman asked the cowboy if it's true what they say about men with big feet. Thecowboy grinned and said, "Shore is, little lady! Whydon't you come on out to the bunkhouse and let me prove it to you?"

The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she spentthe night with him. The next morning she handed him a$100 bill.

Blushing, he said, "Well, thankee, ma'am. Ah'm real flattered. Ain't nobody ever paid me fer mah services before."

The woman replied, "Don't be flattered ... take the money and buy yourself some boots that fit."
 

The couple are in the bedroom one night and they have just finished making love.

"Honey, did you enjoy the fun we just had?", he asks.

"Yes, of course, Dear.," She replies. Didn't you hear me laughing?"

RATED: NR

1957 DATE,

It's the Spring of 1957 and a sailor goes to pick up his date. When he goes to the front door, the girl's father answers and inviteshim in. "Carrie's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?," he says.

"That's cool" says the sailor.

Carrie's father asks the sailor what they're planning to do.

The sailor replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie.

Carrie's father responds "why don't you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it."

Naturally, this comes as a quite a surprise to the young sailor - so he asks Carrie's Dad to repeat it.

"Yeah," says Carrie's father, "Carrie really likes to screw; she'll screw all night if we let her!"

Well, this just made the sailor's eyes light up, and his plan for the evening was beginning to look pretty good.

A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, the young sailor escorts his date out the front door.

About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushes back into the house, slams the door behind
her, and screams at her father:

"DAMMIT DADDY! IT'S CALLED THE TWIST!!!"

 

ORGASM TYPES

Sex in a boat = Oargasms

Sex with a nerd = Dorkgasms

Sex at the entrance to your house = Doorgasms

Sex on the carpet or linoleum = Floorgasms

Sex at the supermarket = Storegasms

Sex with wild pigs = Boargasms

Sex at a Stephen King movie = Horrorgasms

Sex with a prostitute = Whoregasms

Sex with a storyteller = Loregasms

Sex with an accountant = Boregasms

Sex while sleeping = Snoregasms

Sex with Arthur = Dudley Mooregasms

Sex with cartoon donkeys = Eeyoregasms

Sex while broke = Poorgasms

Sex with a lion = Roargasms

Sex for hours and hours on end = Soregasms

Sex on a golf course = Foregasms

Sex with a nymphomaniac = Ready for Moregasms

Sex in a gold mine = Oregasms

Sex with a dermatologist = Poregasms

Sex with the vice president = Dick Chenygasms

Sex with chocolate marshmallows = S'moregasms

Sex with a bullfighter = Toreadorgasms

Sex with a masked man carrying a sword = Zorogasms

Sex on the beach = Shoregasms

Sex when you get an award = Honogasms

Sex at an all you can eat buffet = Smorgasbordgasms

Sex on a cruise ship deck = Shuffleboardgasms

Sex in Asia = Singaporegasms

Sex among the wonders of the world = Outdoorgasms

Sex in the vicinity of garbage can = odorgasms

Sex on the way to the train = All aboardgasms

Sex that isn't very satisfying = there's the doorgasms

Sex during hay fever season = Sporegasms

Sex using plastic cutlery = Sporkgasms

Sex with a Medieval poet = Troubadorgasms

Sex in an adult theater = Hardcoregasms

Sex with conquering Spaniards = Conquistadorgasms

Sex with someone not paying attention = Ignorgasms

Sex with a competitive partner = scoregasms

Sex in a firehouse = Firedoorgasms

Sex with an Icelandic singer = Bjorkgasms

Sex with the host of a horrible t.v. show = Pauly Shoregasms

Sex with a cookie = Oreogasms

Sex while flying = Soargasms

Sex with a bugle player = Horngasms

Sex with an astronaut who didn't make it into space = Abortgasms

Sex with a beloved partner = Adoregasms

Sex with a meat eater = Carnivoregasms

Sex with a person who's got a really bad hairdo = Pompadoregasms

Sex with someone who has really bad taste in clothes = Velourgasms

Sex while sightseeing = Tourgasms

Sex with a big dog = Labradorgasms

Sex with Beavs and Butthead = Gonnascoregasms

Sex during an earthquake = Tremorgasms

Sex on farm implements = Tractorgasms

Sex with Thomas Edison = Inventorgasms

Sex with a construction worker = Contractorgasms

Sex at a symphony orchestra = Conductorgasms

Sex with a person who examines dead bodies = Coronergasms

Sex on the stairs at the mall = Escalatorgasms

Sex while hopelessly drunk on shooters = Liquorgasms

Sex with a possessive partner = Yourgasms

Sex with Frankenstein's assistant = Igorgasms

Sex with three of your friends = Fourgasms

Sex with a Norse God = Thorgasms

Sex when resistance is futile = Borggasms

Sex without a climax = Nogasms
 

The rescue squad was called to the home of an elderly couple for an apparent heart attack the gentleman had. When the squad got there it was too late and the man had died.

While consoling the wife one of the rescuers noticed that the bed was a mess. He asked the lady what symptoms the man had suffered and if anything had precipitated the heart attack.

The lady replied, "Well, we were in the bed making love and he started moaning, groaning, thrashing about the bed, panting, and sweating. I thought he was coming, but I guess he was going."
 

Rated X

A graduate student in speech therapy had two days to cure her patients of their stutters. She came to a therapy session in a revealing outfit and offered a blow job to anyone who could pronounce the name of the city in which they were born without stuttering. The
first man stood up and said, "B-b-b-b-b-b-Boston."

Dejected, he shook his head and sat back down. The next guy stood and said, "Ca-ca-ca-ca-ca-ca-Cleveland."

He slapped his thigh in frustration and sat back down. The third guy stood and without hesitation said, "Miami."

The student fell to her knees and began performing oral sex on the man. After finishing, she looked up and said, "What do you have to say now?"

He replied, "B-b-b-b-b-Beach."

JIFFY CONDOM COMPANY
6969 Slippery Root Drive
Droptrouser, NC 22269

Dear Sir,

We regret to inform you that we have rejected your recent application to model and represent our product, Jiffy Condoms.

Although your general physical appearance is not displeasing, our Board of Directors feels that your wearing of our product does not portray a positive, romantic image for our product. A loose baggy wrinkled condom is not considered romantic.

We did admire your efforts to firm it up using Poly-Grip, but even then it slipped off before we could get the photographs taken. We would like to note however, that we have never seen a penis that looked like a bicycle grip until now.

We appreciate your interest and thank you for your time. We will retain your application for future consideration, if by the chance we decide that there is a market for Micro-Mini Condoms.

We send greetings and our deepest sympathy to your wife and/or girlfriend.

Very Truly Yours,

Burly Dick, President
JIFFY CONDOM COMPANY

Three old men are discussing their sex lives.

The Italian man says, "Last week, my wife and I had great sex. I rubbed her body all over witholive oil, we made passionate love, and shescreamed for 5 minutes at the end."

The Frenchman boasts, "Last week when mywife and I had sex, I rubbed her body all overwith butter. We then made passionate love and
she screamed for 15 minutes."

The old Jewish man says, "Well, last week my wife
and I had sex too. I rubbed her body all over with
chicken schmaltz (kosher chicken fat), we made
love, and she screamed for 6 hours."

The Italian and Frenchman were stunned.

They replied, "What could you have possibly done
to make your wife scream for 6 hours?"

"I wiped my hands on the drapes."

A fireman came from work one day and told his wife, "You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station.

Bell 1 rings and we all put on our jackets. Bell 2 rings and we all slide down the pole. Bell 3 rings and we're ready to go on the trucks."

"From now on," he said, "we're going to run this house the same way. "When I say Bell 1, I want you to strip naked. When I say Bell 2, I want you to jump into bed.
When I say Bell 3, we're going to do it all night."

The next night the fireman came home from work and yelled, "Bell 1!" and his wife took off her clothes. "Bell 2," and his wife jumped into bed. "Bell 3," and they began to do it.

After two minutes his wife yelled, "Bell 4!"

"What's this Bell 4?" the husband asks.

"Reel out more hose or move the truck up closer" she replied, "you're nowhere near the fire!"
 

A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because he is
not sure if sex is work or play.

So he goes to a priest and asks for his opinion on this question.
After consulting the Bible, the priest says, "My son, after an
exhaustive search, I am positive that sex is work and is therefore not permitted on Sundays."

The man thinks: "What does a priest know about sex?"

So he goes to a Lutheran minister, who after all is a married man
and experienced in this matter.

He queries the minister and receives the same reply: "Sex is work
and therefore not for the Sabbath!"

Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out a Rabbi, a man of thousands of years tradition and knowledge.

The Rabbi ponders the question, then states, "My son, sex is definitely play."

The man replies, "Rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others tell me sex is work?"

The Rabbi softly speaks, "My son, if sex were work, my wife would
have the maid do it."

 

Statistical Findings:

10% of the women had sex within the first hour of their first date

20% of the men had sex in a non-traditional place

36% of the women favour nudity

45% of the women prefer dark men with blue eyes

46% of the women experienced anal sex

70% of the women prefer sex in the morning

80% of the men have never experienced homosexual relations

90% of the women would like to have sex in the forest

99% of the women have never experienced sex in the office.

Conclusion:

Statistically speaking, you have a better chance of having anal sex in the morning with a strange woman in the forest than to have sex in the office at the end of the day.

Moral: Do not stay late in the office. Nothing good will ever come of it!
 

As a hooker was dressing, she turned to her customer and asked,
"Have you just gotten out of prison?"

"Yeah," the guy replied. "How did you guess?

Is it because I wanted to have sex from the rear?"

"Partly." She said. "But more because when we finished, you ran around in front of me, bent over, and shouted, 'YOUR TURN.'"

In the bookstore the other day, I saw a book entitled "Sex for Dummies".

Why would someone want to teach dumb people how to reproduce?

 

Things Overheard While Having Sex

"A hundred bucks?!? What can I get for ten?"

"Mmmmm, yeah baby, take it off! C'mon, nice & slow ... That's
goo--AAAARRGGGG!! Disconnected again! Friggin' AOL!!!"

"Dammit! They just don't make these colostomy bags as strong as
they used to!"

"Oooh, you're so BIG! Oooh, you're so POWERFUL! Oooh, your
batteries just died!"

" ... 'Rectum? It nearly killed him.' Get it?
Wait ... come back!"

"No, really, I always yawn like that when I climax."

"It's called a 'bra.' Women wear them under their clothes."

"Don't laugh -- if *all* penises were this small, birth control
would be a thing of the past!"

"OK, now put on the Deanna Troi mask and say 'Captain, I can
sense your throbbing manhood!' ...No, no, try it again with more
accent!"

"Oh, Baby! Here I expected 5, and you whip out 13!!"

"Well, what you lack in size, you make up for in speed."

"Top 5? C'mon, it's more like the Top 3 1/2!"

"Wait! Wait! We can't start until I find my beret!!"

"Dammit Mom! Knock first!"

"OK, this time, *you* be Martha Stewart and *I'll* be Rico the
gardener."

"Look, lover boy, $120 means $120 -- I don't give a shit if that
works out to $240 a minute."

"Mind if I wedge my calculator under your breast there while
we're doing this?"

"Shave it? You're lucky I washed it."

"Why yes, as a matter of fact, I *WAS* the original body model
for the Ken doll. How in the world did you guess?"

"Baa-a-a-a-a"

SIGNS SHE'S GETTING BORED HAVING SEX:

* Gets very upset when ashtray falls off your butt.

* Last time she screamed during sex was the first time she won at solitaire.

* Bangs her head on the headboard before you begin>

* You find yourself sitting backstage at the Jerry Springer show.

* Only moans during commercial breaks.

* She yells out her own name.
 

Two matronly sisters lived together and managed a farm. For years both had an extreme fear of thunder storms and lightning.

One day one of the sisters was visiting a neighbor, and while walking home was caught in a severe thunder storm. Lightning was streaking across the sky and thunder was booming all around. Being totally terrified, she ran to a nearby haystack and buried her head in the hay like an ostrich, so she could not see the lightning or hear the thunder.

With her head buried in the hay, her rear end was exposed, and the wind blew her dress up exposing the long unused part of her anatomy.

Along comes the local stud, and seeing the poor souls predicament,he did the only thing a well endowed stud would do in such a situation. After fully satisfying himself he zipped his pants and went on his merry way.

Soon the sister pulled her head out of the haystack and rushed home, calling to her sister, "Sissy, Sissy, let me tell you something! If you ever get struck by lightning, you'll never be afraid again!!!!!!"

 

This couple were in bed getting busy when the girl places the guys hand onto her pussy.

"Put your finger in me..." she asks him.

So he does without hesitation, as she starts moaning. "Put two fingers in...", she says.

So in goes another one. She's really starting to get worked up when she says, "Put your whole hand in!".

The guy's like, "Ok!". So he has his entire hand in.

She says moaning aloud "Put both your hands inside of me!!!".

So the guy puts both of his hands in! "Now clap your hands..." commands the girl.

"I can't", says the guy.

The girl looks at him and says "See, I told you I had a tight pussy!".
 

John decided to visit his co-worker, Lois, who was recently injured in an automobile accident. She had her leg in a cast because of her knee injury. He purchased a small floral gift and, after work, went over to her house to pay his visit.

After a few minutes of relating work issues and catching up on all the related work talk from the other co-workers, Lois asked him to fetch her slippers from upstairs. He said, "Of course I will!"

Upstairs, he noticed her 16 and 18 year old daughters lounging in their bedroom and thought to himself that Lois never mentioned how gorgeous they were. Just looking at them got him aroused, and he said to them, "Your mom told me I was to come up here and have sex with both of you."

The two young ladies said, "No way!"

He called downstairs to Lois, "BOTH OF THEM?"

She called back, in a slightly irritated voice, "YES! BOTH OF THEM!"
 

A guy was having trouble satisfying his wife, so he went to his buddy at work for advice.

"Listen," said the inept guy, "I know you always satisfy your women. How do you do it?"

"Oh, That's no problem," said his friend. "What I do is stick it in them real slow, and then pull it out from them real fast. Keep doing that and they come everytime."

The guy went home that night and tried his friend's technique out.

He stuck it in real slow, and then extracted it real quickly, just like his buddy said. After a while he asked his wife, "Honey, do you notice anything different about the way I'm doing it?"

"Yeah," she said, "you're screwing just like your buddy at work."

 

A rather bookish young man goes into a whorehouse to seek entertainment.He goes up to the madam and says, "Madam, I'd like woman for the evening."

The Madam says,"Sir,I'm afraid all the girls are taken tonight, but if you'd care to,I'm available."

So the guy and the madam go into a bedroom and get undressed. As he takes off his clothes, she looks him over and she notices that, flaccid, he's only two inches long. But then the guy says, "Rise, Caesar!" And his weenie`s to a full 12 inches.

So they have a great time, and after about five hours the madam is very impressed.

"Sir," she says, "this has been one of the most pleasurable evenings of my life. I was wondering if you'd mind if I called the girls in so they could have a look at you. You're really something special, you know."

But the guy says,"No, madam,no.I have come to bury Caesar,not to praise him."

A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day there he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by and the man immediately gets an erection. The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, "Sir, did you call for me?"

The man replies, "No, what do you mean?"

She says, "You must be new here, let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection it implies you called for me."

Smiling she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.

The man continued to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the sauna and as he sat down he farted. Within a few minutes a huge, horrible, corpulent, hairy man lumbers out of the steam toward him. "Did you call for me?" says the hairy man.

"No, what do you mean?" says the newcomer.

"You must be new here," says the hairy man, "it is a rule here that if you fart it implies that you called for me." The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him.

The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist. "May I help you?" she says.

The man yells, "Here is my membership card, you can have the key back, and you can keep the $500 membership fee."

"But sir," she replies, "you've only been here for a few hours, you haven't even had the chance to see all our facilities."

The man replies, "Listen lady, I'm 58 years old, I get a hard-on once a month, but I fart 15 times a day!"
 

Do you know why it's called sex?

Because it's easier to spell than
Uhhhhh..oooohh...Ahhhhhh....AIIEEEEEEE!!!

 

What do you do in case of fallout?
Put it back in and take shorter strokes!

Why were there only 49 contestants at the Miss Ebonics USA pageant?
No one wanted to stand up and say. . .Idaho...

What's the biggest drawback of the jungle?
An elephant's foreskin.

Do you know the difference between medium and rare?
Medium is 6 inches. Rare is 9 inches or more.

If a light sleeper sleeps lighter with the light on, does a hard
sleeper sleep harder with a hard on?

 

A man was going door-to-door doing a sexual survey in Jeff's neighborhood.

"How often a week do you sleep with your wife?" asked the inquirer.

"Three times," Jeff said without hesitation.

"That is once more often than your neighbor," the inquirer said, writing.

"That makes sense," Jeff said, "after all, she's my wife."

A fellow passed a house with a little red light burning in front, so he stepped inside. There was nothing in sight and nothing there but an empty bare hallway, with two doors reading, "Over 35" and "Under 35."

He decided to be truthful and entered the door that said, "Over 35."

He found himself in another empty hallway, this one with two doors that read, "Over 8 inches" and "Under 8 inches."

Truthful again, he went through the "Under 8 inches" door and found himself in another empty hall, with two more doors reading, "Once a night" and "Over 4 times a night."

Still wanting to be truthful, he entered the door marked "Once a night" and found himself back out on the street.

The moral of this story is:"Always tell the truth and you'll never get screwed."
 

A dedicated Teamsters union worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas and, as you would expect, decided to check out the local brothels nearby.

When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam, "Is this a union house?"

"No," she replied, "I'm sorry, it isn't."

"Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"

"The house gets $80 and the girls get $20."

Mightily offended at such unfair dealings, the man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop. His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam responded, "Why yes sir, this is a Union House."

The man asked, "And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"

"The girls get $80 and the house gets $20."

"That's more like it!" the Teamster said.

He handed the Madam $100, looked around the room and pointed to a stunningly attractive blonde. "I'd like her for the night."

"I'm sure you would, sir," said the Madam, then gesturing to an 85-year-old woman in the corner, "but Ethel has seniority."
 

Andy Rooney on Research:

Because over the past few years, more money has been spent on breast
implants and VIAGRA than is spent on Alzheimer's Disease research, it is believed that by the year 2030 there will be a large number of people wandering around with huge breasts and erections...who can't remember what to do with them.

 

A paleface went to the local Indian reservation where he met the
chief. How' s about letting me have one of your women for a little while? Asked the paleface.

The chief responded, "How much money do you have?"

"I don't have any money but I have this bag of corn." Said the paleface.

"A bag of corn huh." Replied the chief.

The chief thought for a moment then agreed to the deal. "Take that woman there into my teepee." He said.

So the paleface took the woman into the teepee where she took all her clothes off and laid down on her stomach. The paleface saw this and said, "No, you have to turn over onto your back."

The Indian woman replied by turning over pointing at her pussy saying, "This money hole."

Then turning over onto her stomach, pointing to her ass saying,
"This corn hole."

AMERICAN SEX LAWS:

1. In the quiet town of Connersville, Wisconsin, it's
illegal for a man to shoot off a gun when his female
partner has an orgasm.

2. It's against the law in Willowdale, Oregon, for a husband
to curse during sex.

3. No man is allowed to make love to his wife with the smell
of garlic, onions, or sardines on his breath in
Alexandria, Minnesota. If his wife so requests, law
mandates that he must brush his teeth.

4. Bozeman, Montana has a law that bands all sexual activity
between members of the opposite sex in the front yard
of a home after sundown--if they're nude.

5. In hotels in Sioux Falls, South Dakota, every room is
required to have twin beds. And the beds must always
be a minimum of two feet apart when a couple rents a
room for only one night. And it's illegal to make love
on the floor between the beds.

6. The owner of every hotel in Hastings, Nebraska is
required to provide each guest with a clean and
pressed nightshirt. No couple, even if they are
married, may sleep together in the nude. Nor may
they have sex unless they are wearing one of these
clean, white cotton nightshirts.

7. An ordinance in Newcastle, Wyoming specifically bans
couples from having sex while standing inside a
store's walk-in-meat freezer.

8. A state law in Illinois mandates that all bachelors
should be called master, not mister, when addressed
by their female counterparts.

9. It's safe to make love while parked in Coeur d'
Alene, Idaho. Police officers aren't allowed to
walk up and knock on the window. Any suspicious
officer who thinks that sex is taking place must
drive up from behind, honk his horn three times
and wait approximately two minutes before getting
out of his car to investigate.

10. And finally, women aren't allowed to wear patent-
leather shoes in Cleveland, Ohio--a man might see
the reflection of something 'he oughtn't!'

It has been determined that having sex before participating in athletic activity, such as a marathon race, does not impair the athlete's abilities.

In fact, men have known and displayed this for centuries. After sex, they glance at their watches and say, "Oooppps, gotta run!"
 

Food has replaced sex in my life.

Now I have an orgasm every time I go grocery shopping.
 

HOW SEX IS LIKE A ROLLER COASTER:

You get on with your partner.

There is anxious anticipation as you start. You start slowly, climbing your way to the top.There are smiles exchanged, and giggles, maybe even caressing or hand holding.

The excitement builds and builds. It nears the top. The expressions on faces become wonderous and excited.Then as it hits the pinnacle, things move very fast.

There's a quick motion, the heart races with complete excitement, faces are all in total pleasure. Arms are flailing, heads are bouncing, and there is some noticeable screaming going on.The rest of the ride is up and down, twisting and turning, lots of bumping, sometimes in the light, sometimes in the dark. Sometimes there's a surprise, and sometimes it becomes all to familiar but always, always at the end, there's a big smile on the face.

Hair is all messed up, and everyone is talking about how great it is, while some of them say, "I wanna go again!"
 

Karmen went to a neighbor's house a few months after her neighbors
had moved in and knocked on the door. The husband answered the door, and Karmen asked him, "Do you know how much fun sex is?"

Appalled, he slammed the door in her face. Again, Karmen knocked on their door and when he came to the door, she asked him, "Do you like sex?" He said "Get away! I'm married!"

He told his wife about the incident and said some crazy woman is
asking him about "sex" and she decided to hide behind the front door and wait to see what would happen next...

Another knock at the door... and Karmen asked the husband when he
answered, "Do you know how to have sex?"

He cried out, "YES, I DO!!"

Karmen said, "Well, the next time you see your wife, give her some
and tell her to stay the hell away from my husband!!!"

Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing.
One old lady turns to the other and asks, "Do you still get horny?"

The other replies, "Oh, sure I do."

The first old lady asks, "What do you do about it?"

The second old lady replies, "I suck a lifesaver."

After a few moments, the first old lady asks......"Who drives you to the beach....?"

 

While purchasing some condoms, the young man remarked with a smile, "I'm giving my girl a birthday present tonight."

"Yes, sir," smiled the drug clerk. Then he added,forcing a straight face, "Would you perhaps like these gift-wrapped?"

"That wouldn't make much sense," said the customer.

"They ARE the gift wrapping."
 

I heard this through the thin walls of my motel room on the road recently.

In a male inebriated slur, " God, You're awfully flat chested, but you've got a tight pussy."

And a woman's angry reply, "Get off my back, you asshole !"

Peter was in bed with his best friend's wife. Just as things were
reaching a climax, he suddenly stopped and sat on the edge of the bed, holding his head in his hands.

"What the hell's wrong with you?" his partner asked.

"I feel just like a regular son-of-a-bitch, getting some of my best friend's pussy," the man moaned.

"Well," she soothed, patting his back, "you can stop worrying. You're not getting his pussy. His pussy is five inches deeper."

 

An Ivy League Professor was asked to give a lecture on "Sex". When his turn came, he stood up, said, "Ladies and Gentlemen it gives me great pleasure..." and then sat down..
 

I have been engaged for almost a year. I am to be married next month. My fiancé's mother is great. She is putting the entire wedding together and invited me to her place to go over the invitation list because it had grown a bit beyond what we had expected it to be.

When I got to her place we reviewed the list and trimmed it down to just under a hundred ... then she floored me. She said that in a month I would be a married man and that before that happened, she wanted to have sex with me. Then she just stood up and walked to her bedroom and on her way said that I knew where the door was if I wanted to leave.

I stood there for about five minutes and finally decided that I knew how to deal with this situation. I headed out the front door...

There, leaning against my car was her husband. He was smiling. He
explained that they just wanted to be sure I was a good kid and would be true to their little girl. I shook his hand and he congratulated me on passing their little test. I kept it to myself that I thought their "little test" was bullshit, but I'm marrying their daughter, not them.

I also kept to myself that the reason that I was walking out to my
car was to get a condom...

 

While I was talking with Jill on her cell phone last week, I overheard the following conversation.

Oh, John, please don't stop here!
Oh, John, please don't stop!
Oh, John, please don't!
Oh, John, please!
Oh, John!
Oh!

Jill, If you are going to go parking with John please at least put me on hold for sixty seconds next time. heh heh

"Dinner, wine, music, dancing, flowers -- he used all the moves to get me between the sheets," Jill confessed to her best friend.

"And..what happened?"

Jill sighs and says, "All of them worked!"

 

Two cowboys are out on the range talking about their favorite sex positions.

One says, "I think I enjoy the rodeo position the best."

"I don't think I have ever heard of that one." says the other cowboy, "What is it?"

"Well, it's where you get your girlfriend down on all fours and you mount her from behind. Then you reach around and cup each one of her breasts in your hands and whisper in her ear, "Boy, these feel just like your sister's."

Then you try to hold on for 8 seconds
 

Q: What happens if you put the Energizer Bunny's batteries in
backwards?

A: It keeps coming, and coming, and coming...

Signs She's Bored Having Sex......

* She is very upset when the ashtray falls off you butt.

* Last time she screamed during sex was the first time she won at solitaire.

* Bangs her head on the headboart BEFORE you begin.

* You find yourself sitting backstage at the Jerry Springer show.

* Only moans during commercial breaks.

* She yells out her own name.
 

An elderly Jewish gentleman marries a much younger woman.

No matter what the husband does sexually, the woman never achieves orgasm. Since a Jewish wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to ask the rabbi.

The rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard,and makes the following suggestion: "Hire a strapping young man. While the two of you are making love, have the young man wave a towel over you. That will help the wife fantasize and should bring on an orgasm."

They go home and follow the rabbi's advice. They hire a handsome young man and he waves a towel over them as they make love. It doesn't help and she is still unsatisfied.

Perplexed, they go back to the rabbi. "Okay", he says to the husband, "let's try it reversed. Have the young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them."

Once again, they follow the rabbi's advice. The young man gets into bed with the wife and the husband waves the towel. The young man gets working with great enthusiasm and the wife soon has an enormous,room-shaking, ear-splitting screaming orgasm. The husband smiles, looks at the young man and says to him triumphantly: "You see, you young schmuck? THAT'S how you wave a towel!"
 

A FIREMAN came home from work one day and told his wife, "You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station: BELL 1 rings and we all put on our jackets, BELL 2 rings and we all slide down the pole, BELL 3 rings and we're on the fire truck ready to go.

"From now on when I say BELL 1, I want you to strip naked. When say BELL 2, I want you to jump in bed. And when I say BELL 3, we are going to make love all night." The next night he came home from work and yelled, "BELL 1!" The wife promptly took all her clothes off.

When he yelled "BELL 2!", the wife jumped into bed. When he yelled "BELL 3!", they began making love. After a few minutes the wife yelled "BELL 4!" "What the hell is BELL 4?" asked the husband?

"ROLL OUT MORE HOSE," she replied, "YOU'RE NOWHERE NEAR THE FIRE."
 

The top 40 ways men fail in bed... take notes, all you Casanovas!

1. NOT KISSING FIRST. Avoiding her lips and diving straight for the erogenous zones makes her feel like you're paying by the hour and trying to get your money's worth by cutting out nonessentials. A properly passionate kiss is the ultimate form of foreplay.

2. BLOWING TOO HARD IN HER EAR. Admit it, some kid at school told you girls love this. Well, there's a difference between being erotic and blowing as if you're trying to extinguish the candles on your 50th birthday cake. That hurts.

3. NOT SHAVING. You often forget you have a porcupine strapped to your chin which you rake repeatedly across your partner's face and thighs. When she turns her head from side to side, it's not passion, it's avoidance.

4. SQUEEZING HER BREAST. Most men act like a housewife testing a melon for ripeness when they get their hand on a pair. Stroke, caress, and smooth them.

5. BITING HER NIPPLES. Why do men fasten onto a woman's nipples, then clamp down like they're trying to deflate her body via her breasts? Nipples are highly sensitive. They can't stand up to chewing. Lick and suck them gently. Flicking your tongue across them is good. Pretending they're a doggie toy isn't.

6. TWIDDLING HER NIPPLES. Stop doing that thing where you twiddle the nipples between finger and thumb like you're trying to find a radio station in a hilly area. Focus on the whole breasts, not just the exclamation points.

7. IGNORING THE OTHER PARTS OF HER BODY. A woman is not a highway with just three turnoffs: Breastville East and West, and the Midtown Tunnel. There are vast areas of her body which you've ignored far too often as you go bombing straight into downtown Vagina. So start paying them some attention.

8. GETTING THE HAND TRAPPED. Poor manual dexterity in the underskirt region can result in tangled fingers and underpants. If you're going to be that aggressive, just ask her to take the damn things off.

9. LEAVING HER A LITTLE PRESENT. Condom disposal is the man's responsibility. You wore it, you store it.

10. ATTACKING THE CLITORIS. Direct pressure is very unpleasant, so gently rotate your fingers along side of the clitoris.

11. STOPPING FOR A BREAK. Women, unlike men, don't pick up where they left off. If you stop, they plummet back to square one very fast. If you can tell she's not there, keep going at all costs, numb jaw or not.

12. UNDRESSING HER AWKWARDLY. Women hate looking stupid, but stupid she will look when naked at the waist with a sweater stuck over her head. Unwrap her like an elegant present, not a kid's toy.

13. GIVING HER A WEDGIE DURING FOREPLAY. Stroking her gently through her panties can be very sexy. Pulling the material up between her thighs and yanking it back and forth is not.

14. BEING OBSESSED WITH THE VAGINA. Although most men can find the clitoris without maps, they still believe that the vagina is where it's all at. No sooner is your hand down there than you're trying to stuff stolen banknotes up a chimney. This is okay in principle, but if you're not careful, it can hurt - so don't get carried away. It's best to pay more attention to her clitoris and the exterior of her vagina at first, then gently slip a finger inside her and see if she likes it.

15. MASSAGING TOO ROUGHLY. You're attempting to give her a sensual, relaxing massage to get her in the mood. Hands and fingertips are okay; elbows and knees are not.

16. UNDRESSING PREMATURELY. Don't force the issue by stripping before she's at least made some move toward getting your stuff off, even if it's just undoing a couple of buttons.

17. TAKING YOUR PANTS OFF FIRST. A man in socks and underpants is a at his worst. Lose the socks first.

18. GOING TOO FAST. When you get to the penis-in-vagina situation, the worst thing you can do is pump away like an industrial power tool -she'll soon feel like an assembly-line worker made obsolete by your technology. Build up slowly, with clean, straight, regular thrusts.

19. GOING TOO HARD. If you bash your great triangular hip bones into her thigh or stomach, the pain is equal to two weeks of horseback riding concentrated into a few seconds.

20. COMING TOO SOON. Every man's fear. With reason. If you shoot before you see the whites of her eyes, make sure you have a backup plan to ensure her pleasure too.

21. NOT COMING SOON ENOUGH. It may appear to you that humping for an hour without climaxing is the mark of a sex god, but to her it's more likely the mark of a numb vagina. At least buy some intriguing wall hangings, so she has something to hold her interest while you're playing Marathon Man.

22. ASKING IF SHE HAS COME. You really ought to be able to tell. Most women make noise. But if you really don't know, don't ask.

23. PERFORMING ORAL SEX TOO GENTLY. Don't act like a giant cat at a saucer of milk. Get your whole mouth down there, and concentrate on gently rotating or flicking your tongue on her clitoris.

24. NUDGING HER HEAD DOWN. Men persist in doing this until she's eyeball-to-penis, hoping that it will lead very swiftly to mouth-to-penis. All women hate this. It's about three steps from being dragged to a cave by their hair. If you want her to use her mouth, use yours; try talking seductively to her.

25. NOT WARNING HER BEFORE YOU CLIMAX. Sperm tastes like sea water mixed with egg white. Not everybody likes it. When she's performing oral sex, warn her before you come so she can do what's necessary.

26. MOVING AROUND DURING FELLATIO. Don't thrust. She'll do all the moving during fellatio. You just lie there. And don't grab her head.

27. TAKING ETIQUETTE ADVICE FROM PORN MOVIES. In X-rated movies, women seem to love it when men ejaculate over them. In real life, it just means more laundry to do.

28. MAKING HER RIDE ON TOP FOR AGES. Asking her to be on top is fine. Lying there grunting while she does all the hard work is not. Caress her gently, so that she doesn't feel quite so much like the captain of a schooner. And let her have a rest.

29. ATTEMPTING ANAL SEX AND PRETENDING IT WAS AN ACCIDENT. This is how men earn a reputation for not being able to follow directions. If you want to put it there, ask her first. And don't think that being drunk is an excuse.

30. TAKING PICTURES. When a man says, "Can I take a photo of you?" she'll hear the words "__to show my buddies." At least let her have custody of them.

31. NOT BEING IMAGINATIVE ENOUGH. Imagination is anything from drawing patterns on her back to pouring honey on her and licking it off. Fruit, vegetables, ice and feathers are all handy props; hot candle wax and permanent dye are a no no.

32. SLAPPING YOUR STOMACH AGAINST HERS. There is no less erotic noise. It's as sexy as a belching contest.

33. ARRANGING HER IN STUPID POSES. If she wants to do advanced yoga in bed, fine, but unless she's a Romanian gymnast, don't get too ambitious. Ask yourself if you want a sexual partner with snapped hamstrings.

34. LOOKING FOR HER PROSTATE. Read this carefully: Anal stimulation feels good for men because they have a prostate. Women don't.

35. GIVING LOVE BITES. It is highly erotic to exert some gentle suction on the sides of the neck, if you do it carefully. No woman wants to have to wear turtlenecks and jaunty scarves for weeks on end.

36. BARKING INSTRUCTIONS. Don't shout encouragement like a coach with a megaphone. It's not a big turn-on.

37. TALKING DIRTY. It makes you sound like a lonely magazine editor calling a 1-900 line. If she likes nasty talk, she'll let you know.

38. NOT CARING WHETHER SHE COMES. You have to finish the job. Keep on trying until you get it right, and she might even do the same for you.

39. SQUASHING HER. Men generally weigh more than women, so if you lie on her a bit too heavily, she will turn blue.

40. THANKING HER. Never thank a woman for having sex with you. Your bedroom is not a soup kitchen.

HEY GUYS! NEXT TIME REMEMBER THESE RULES AND THE LADY MAY INVITE YOU BACK.
 

College of Fine Arts: Life Drawing

When I was an undergraduate in the College of Fine Arts at U.T., one of the required courses was Life Drawing. Mind you, it was NOT still life with positioned buckets of fruit, vases with flowers or porcelain figurines. It was drawing male and female nude models, hired by the Art Department.

At first, I was very, VERY bashful about looking at a naked person and drawing them, but I got used to it after a week or so.

One of our male models, tall, slim and good looking, was sitting in a chair, naked, reading (hiding behind) a newspaper at the beginning of class, and everyone wondered silently why we were taking so long to get started.

I went wandering around the class and eventually got close enough
to the model to discover why the delay...

He was hiding behind the newspaper because he was sporting a HUGE
erection...

I went back to my seat, and later (after a chuckle) we resumed our
class.
 

Q. What does a woman say to a man who she has just had sex with?

A. Say whatever she wants... he's asleep.

 

A couple had just returned from a date. They were at her place and were sitting on the sofa, making out.

Nibbling her earlobe, he whispered, "You know, I'd like a little
pussy."

She said, "Oh, me too, mine's as big as a house."

 

ADULT SEX QUIZ

Q.) What doesn't belong in this list: Meat, Eggs, Wife, Blowjob?
A.) Blowjob: You can beat your meat, eggs or wife, but you can't beat a blowjob.

Q.) Why does a penis have a hole in the end?
A.) So men can be open minded.

Q.) What's the speed limit of sex?
A.) 68 because at 69 you have to turn around.

Q.) What do a Rubix cube and a penis have in common?
A.) The longer you play with them, the harder they get.

Q.) What's the difference between your paycheck and your dick?
A.) You don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck!

Q.) Three words to ruin a man's ego...
A.) "Is it in?"

Q.) What do you get when you cross Raggedy Ann and the Pillsbury Dough Boy?
A.) A red headed bitch with a yeast infection.

Q.) How can you tell when an auto mechanic just had sex?
A.) One of his fingers is clean.

Q.) What do you do with 365 used rubbers?
A.) Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.

Q.) What does bungee jumping and hookers have in common?
A.) They both cost a hundred bucks and if the rubber breaks, you're screwed.

 

"Park Bench"

A woman sat down on a park bench, glanced around and decided to stretch out her legs on the seat and relax.

After a while a beggar came up to her and said, "Hello luv, how's about us going for a walk together."

"How dare you," said the woman, "I'm not one of your cheap pickups!"

"Well then," said the beggar, "what are you doing in my bed?"

Three women were sitting around talking about their sex lives.

The first said,"I think my husband's like a championship golfer. He's spent the last ten years perfecting his stroke."

The second woman said, "My husband's like the winner of the Indy 500. Every time we get into bed he gives me several hundred exciting laps."

The third woman was silent until she was asked, "Tell us about your husband."

She thought for a moment and said, "My husband's like an Olympic
gold-medal winning quarter-miler."

"How so?"

"He's got his time down to under 40 seconds."

One day, Pinocchio and his girlfriend were in bed doing what girls and wooden boys do. As they were cuddling later, Pinocchio could tell that something was bothering his girlfriend. So, he asked her, "What's the matter, baby?"

Pinocchio's girlfriend gave a big sigh and replied, "You're probably the best guy I've ever met, but every time we make love you give me splinters."

This remark bothered Pinocchio a great deal, so the next day he went to seek some advice form his creator, Gepetto. When Pinocchio arrived, Gepetto could tell something was bothering Pinocchio, and asked him what was the matter. Pinocchio revealed his dilemma to Gepetto.

Gepetto searched up and down for a solution. Eventually, he suggested that sandpaper might be able to "smooth" out Pinocchio's relationship with his girlfriend. Pinocchio graciously thanked Gepetto and went on his way. Gepetto had not heard from Pinocchio for a while and therefore assumed that the sandpaper had solved all of Pinocchio's problems.

A couple weeks later, Gepetto was in town to have some blades sharpened at the hardware store when he ran into Pinocchio. When he saw Pinocchio buying all the packs of sandpaper the store had in stock, Gepetto remarked, "So, Pinocchio, things must be going pretty damn good with the girls, eh?"

And Pinocchio replied: "Girls, who needs girls?!?!?!?!?!?!?"
 

A midget walked into a whore house, he wanted to have some fun, but none of the girls wanted to take him upstairs. So they drew straws.

Suzy was the unlucky girl who got the longest straw. She took the midget by the hand like a child and lead him upstairs.

A few minutes passed and the other whores heard a scream. They ran up stairs to see what was the matter with Suzy. They opened the door to find Suzy passed out on the floor and the midget standing naked with a 3 foot long cock!

The whores where dumbfounded!Finally one of the whores said "excuse me sir, do you mind if we touch that?"

The midget replyed "sure, but no sucking. I used to be 6 feet tall." It used to be 6 feet long!"

 

Rated XXXX

Baseball Sex!

The old rules (baseball sex terms)

RATED R

The eight qualities of a perfect man ...

Rated G Viagra Housewife



This is the private diary of a Viagra housewife...

Rated PG

Famous sex quotes

Rated PG Lorraine

Rated PG

Astrological After Sex Comments

Rated R

Sex For Dummies

Rated G [??????????????????????]

Rated G

Rated G

Rated XXX

Rated XXX

Rated R Captain Silver

Rated XXX Captain Silver

New Sexual Positions

Rated PG .......Sue Bee

Rated R

Did You Know????

Rated R .....Pregnant

Rated G

Rated PG

Rated XX Michele

Rated G Captain Silver

Rated X

Rated G

Rated G Michele

Top 20 Signs She's Getting Bored Having Sex With You:

Rated R Michele

Rated G

The key to safe sex is in the palm of your hand!

Rated R

Rated XX George in Va.

Rated X

Rated XX

Rated G Captain Silver

Rated X

Rated PG

Rated PG

Rated G

Seen on a car:

Rated X Captain Silver

Sex Game Shows

Rated X Captain Silver

Tayed G

Q:

Rated G

Rated XXX

Rated X

Rated R

Rated G

Rated PG

WHAT SIZE CONDOM?

Rated G Michele

Rated G Michele

Rated R Michele

Rated PG

Rated X

Party All Night

Rated R

Rated R Michele

Rated X Captain Silver

Penis Facts

Rated G Michele

Rated G

Rated G Michele

Rated PG sonata

Rated G Michele

Rated G Michele

Rated X

Rated X

Rated X

Rated R

Condom Slogans