There was an old lady, she was going to board a plane with her dog in a cage to go to Israel .

The plane attendant says "I am sorry ma'am, you can't bring that dog on the plane it will have to go with the cargo." She tries to explain to the man that the dog won't bark becase...and she is rudely interupted by the attendant saying "I am sorry, no
exceptions."

So she does what he says, and she arives in Israel. The people are unpacking the cargo to find that the dog is dead. They search all over town for an identical dog. after about 3 hours of waiting, the man brings out this women's dog, barking and hollering.

The women says "sir, this isn't my dog." The man goes "of course it is it looks exactly like it."

The women goes, "no sir my dog was dead I was coming to Israel to bury it."
 

O'Malley is driving while under the influence and gets into a wreck with none other than his Parrish Priest. So the the Priest is fairly shaken, and O'Malley sits him at the side of the road and procedes to to give his Priest his flask. Before long, the Priest is also under the influence, and remembering his manners, asks O'Malley to join him. O'Malley declines a swig. When the priest asks him why, O'Malley proclaims that he is just going to sit back and wait for the Cops to arrive!

40 Things a Southerner Would Never Say

40. Oh I just couldn't. Hell, she's only sixteen.

39. I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.

38. Duct tape won't fix that.

37. Lisa Marie was lucky to catch Michael.

36. Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken.

35. We don't keep firearms in this house.

34. Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?

33. You can't feed that to the dog.

32. I thought Graceland was tacky.

31. No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe.

30. Wrasslin's fake.

29. Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?

28. We're vegetarians.

27. Do you think my gut is too big?

26. I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy.

25. Honey, we don't need another dog.

24. Who's Richard Petty?

23. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.

22. Too many deer heads detract from the decor.

21. Spittin is such a nasty habit.

20. I just couldn't find a thing at Walmart today.

19. Trim the fat off that steak.

18. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.

17. The tires on that truck are too big.

16. I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad.

15. I've got it all on the C drive.

14. Unsweetened tea tastes better.

13. Would you like your salmon poached or broiled?

12. My fiance, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.

11. I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.

10. Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.

09. Checkmate.

08. She's too young to be wearing a bikini.

07. Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?

06. Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.

05. I don't have a favorite college team.

04. Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.

03. I believe you cooked those green beans too long.

02. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla.

01. Nope, no more for me. I'm drivin tonight.
 

A STORY FROM AN ITALIAN WHO WENT TO TUCSON, AZ

I'ma come here to a hotel. I go down to eat soma breakfeast. I tella the waiter I wanna two piss toast. He bringa me only onea piss. I tella him I wanna two piss-he say go to the toilet! I say you no unnerstan'. I wanna two piss ona my plate. He say you better no piss ona da plate you sonna ma bitch. I don't even know the man, and he calla me sonna ma bitch!!! Later, I go to eata soma dinner at another restraunt, the waitress bringa spoon, ana knife, but no fock. I say I wanna fock. She tella me everybody wanna fock. I say you no unnerstan! I wanna fock on the table. She say you better not fock on the table you sonna ma bitch. I dont even know the woman, an' she calla me sonna ma bitch! So I go back to my hotel, an' there's no sheet on my bed. I calla da manager an' tell him I wanna sheet on the bed. He say you better not sheet on the bed, you sonna ma bitch. I don't even know the man ana he calla me sonna ma bitch! So I go to check out and the man at the desk, he say peace to you. I say piss onna you too, you sonna ma bitch!!!! I go back to Italy!!!
 

Two rednecks are walking down the road when they see a dog licking himself.

Redneck 1: I sure wish I could do that.
Redneck 2: You could... But he'd probably bite ya. D
 

In India, it is customary that a girl is a virgin until her first marriage night.

In order to enquire of his fiance's character, a man comes up with a plan.

He takes her for a ride.On the way, he unzips his pants and asks, "Darling, do you wannasee my wee-wee?"

She is embarrassed and replies in the negative.

Again when they are alone, he unzips his pants and asks her,"Honey, do you wanna see my wee-wee?"

She refuses. This goes on for a few more times until the man is convinced of her virginity.

They get married and have their first sexual encounter.The man undresses and takes out his organ.

The wife gets excited, "So this is your wee-wee!"

The husband smiles and says,"Honey, now you may call it a COCK."

The girl answers sweetly,"No, this is a wee-wee. A cock is long and thick and black."   
 

You might be a redneck if....

The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your spouse

You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids

Last year you hid Easter eggs under cow pies.

You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.

Jack Daniel's makes your list of "Most Admired People."

You think Genitalia is an Italian airline.

You wonder how service stations keep their rest rooms so clean.

Anyone in your family ever died right after saying, "Hey, y'all watch this!"

You've got more than one brother named 'Darryl.'

You think that Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.

You go to your family reunion looking for a date.

Your Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare.

You think the last words to The Star Spangled Banner are,"Gentlemen, start your engines."

You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels

You take a six-pack cooler to church.You had to remove a toothpick for your wedding pictures.

The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much gas it has in it.

You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge.

One of your kids was born on a pool table.

Your dad walks you to school because you are both in the same grade.

You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.

You have flowers planted in a bathroom fixture in your frontyard.

Ya can't get married to yer sweetheart 'cause there's a law against it.

You dated one of your parents' current spouses in high school.

You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

Your school fight song is "Dueling Banjos."

Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.
 

Redneck Jokes   

How did the redneck try to kill a fish?
He tried to drown it in water.

How did the redneck try to kill a bird?
He threw it off a cliff.

How can you keep a redneck busy?
Put him in a round room and tell him to sit in the corner.

Why does a redneck keep the door open while taking a bath?
So no one will peek through the keyhole.

Why did the redneck go in the refrigerator?
To see who was turning on the light when opening the refrigerator door.

Why did the redneck stare at a frozen orange juice can for 2hours?
Because it said "concentrate".

Why can't a redneck make ice cubes?
He always forgets the recipe.

Why did 18 rednecks go to a movie?
Because below 18 was not allowed.

Redneck #1: "Have you ever read Shakespeare?"
Redneck #2: "No, who wrote it?"

Redneck: "Excuse me sir, what time is it?"
Man: "It's 3:15pm."
Redneck: (puzzled look on his face) "You know, it's the wierdestthing, I have been asking that question all day, and each time I get a different answer."
 

HEIDI -- noun.  Greeting.

HIRE YEW - Complete sentence.  Remainder of greeting.
Usage: "Heidi. Hire yew."

BARD -- verb. Past tense of the infinitive "to borrow."
Usage: "My brother bard my pickup truck."

JAWJUH -- noun. A state just north of Florida.  Capital is Hot-lanta.
Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck."

MUNTS -- noun. A calendar division.
Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I ain't herd from him in munts."

IGNERT -- adjective. Not smart. See "Arkansas native."
Usage: "Them N-C-TWO-A boys sure are ignert!"

RANCH -- noun. A tool used for tight'nin' bolts.
Usage: "I think I left my ranch in the back of that pickup truck my brother from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago."

ALL -- noun. A petroleum-based lubricant. 
Usage: "I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck."

FAR -- noun. A conflagration.
Usage: "If my brother from Jawjuh don't change the all in my pickup truck, that things gonna catch far."

BAHS -- noun. A supervisor.
Usage: "If you don't stop reading these Southern words and git back to work (or studying), your bahs is gonna far you!"

TAR -- noun. A rubber wheel.
Usage: "Gee, I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh don't git a flat tar in my pickup truck."

TIRE -- noun. A tall monument.
Usage: "Lord willin' and the creek don't rise, I sure do hope to see that Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime."

RETARD -- Verb. To stop working.
Usage: "My grampaw retard at age 65."

TARRED -- adverb. Exhausted.
Usage: "I just flew in from Hot-lanta, and boy my arms are tarred."

FAT -- noun, verb.  1. a battle or combat.  2. to engage in battle or combat.

ARE -- pronoun.  Possessive case of we used as a predicate adjective.

RATS -- noun. Entitled power or privilege.
Usage: "We Southerners are willin' to fat for are rats."

FARN -- adjective. Not local.
Usage: "I cuddint unnerstand a wurd he sed... must be from some farn country."

DID -- adjective. Not alive.
Usage: "He's did, Jim."

EAR -- noun. A colorless, odorless gas (unless you are in LA).
Usage: "He cain't breath ... give 'im some ear!"

BOB WAR -- noun. A sharp, twisted cable.
Usage: "Boy, stay away from that bob war fence."

JEW HERE -- Noun and verb contraction. 
Usage: "Jew here that my brother from Jawjuh got a job with that bob war fence cump'ny?"

HAZE -- a contraction.
Usage: "Is Bubba smart?" "Nah... haze ignert." 

SEED -- verb, past tense.

VIEW -- contraction: verb and pronoun.
Usage: "I ain't never seed New York City... view?" 

HEAVY DEW -- phrase. A request for action.
Usage: "Kin I heavy dew me a favor?" 

GUMMIT -- noun. A bureaucratic institution.
Usage: "Them gummit boys shore are ignert."
 

1. What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

2. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?
They both like a tight seal.

3. What do you call a gay dinosaur?
Mega-sor-ass

4. What has three teeth and sixty feet?
The front row at a Willie Nelson concert.

5. What is the new O.J. web site address?
Slash.slash.backslash.escape

6. What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common?
Their balls are just for decoration.

7.What do you call a cow who has just given birth?
Decaffeinated

8.What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should?
Stick his bill up his ass.

9.How do you tell if a chick's to fat to fuck?
When you pull her pants down her ass is still in them.

10.Q: Why do women have two sets of lips?
A: One set to bitch at you with, and the other to apologize with.

11.You might be a redneck if...
you think Spread Eagle is an extinct bird

12.You might be a redneck if...
you think a a menstrual cycle has three wheels

13.In my study of Human Nature there is only one universal truth about men that I have found ... Gay or straight ... they all want blow-jobs

14.Two hookers were on a street corner. They started discussing business, and one of the hookers said, Gonna be a good night, I smell cock in the air. The other hooker looked at her and said, No, I just burped.

15.Schwartzenegger has a big one,
Michael J. Fox has a small one,
Madonna doesn't have one,
The Pope has one but doesn't use it,
Clinton uses his all the time,
Mickey Mouse has an unusual one,
George Burns' was hot,
Liberace never used his on women,
Jerry Seinfeld is very, very proud of his,
We never saw Lucy use Desi's
What is it?

The answer is: "A Last Name "

16.Imagine if major companies from all around the world started producing or sponsoring condoms. They would become fashionable and companies would probably advertise more openly. Imagine the trademarks:

Nike Condoms : Just do It
Toyota Condoms : Oh what a feeling
Ford Condoms : The ride of your life.
Microsoft Condoms : Where do you want to go today?
KFC Condoms : Finger Licking Good
M&Ms Condoms : Melt in your mouth, not in your hands
Duracell Condoms : Keep going and going and going
Pringles Condoms : Once you pop, you can't stop.
BMW Condoms : Pure Driving Pleasure
 

A polish man was talking to an American man....

Polish Man: Eventhough your country got a man on the moon first, my country is going to get the first man on the Sun!!

American Man: WHAT?? That's insane! Your astronauts will fry to death!! They can't go to the sun!

Polish Man: Oh don't worry! They're going at night!!!
 

How do you know when you're staying in a Kentucky hotel?
When you call the front desk and say "I've gotta leak in my
sink," and the person at the front desk says "go ahead."

=====
Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age in
Tennessee to 32?
It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools!

=====
What do they call reruns of "Hee Haw" in Mississippi?
A documentary.

=====
Where was the toothbrush invented?
Oklahoma. If it was invented anywhere else it would have been
called a teethbrush.

=====
A Mississippi State trooper pulls over a pickup truck on I-40.
He says to the driver, "Got any ID?"
The driver says, "Bout What?"

=====
Did you hear about the $3,000,000 Texas State Lottery?
The winner gets $3 a year for a million years.

=====
Why did O.J. Simpson want to move to West Virginia?
Everyone has the same DNA.

=====
Did you hear that the governor's mansion in Little Rock, Arkansas, burned down?
Yep. Pert' near took out the whole trailer park.

=====
What's the best thing to ever come out of Arkansas?
I-40.

=====
Two Mississippians are walking down different ends of a street toward each other, and one is carrying a sack. When they meet, one says, "Hey, Tommy Ray, what'cha got in th' bag?" "Jus' some chickens."
"If I guesses how many they are, can I have one?"
"Shoot, ya guesses right and I'll give you both of them."
"OK, Ummmmmm.....five?"

=====
What do a divorce in Alabama, a tornado in Kansas, and a hurricane in Florida have in common?
Somebody's fixin' to lose them a trailer.

=====
A Mississippian came home and found his house on fire, he rushed next door, telephoned the fire department, and shouted, "Hurry
over here, my house is on fire!" "OK," replied the fireman, "
How do we get there?
"Shucks, don't you still have those big red trucks?"

=====
Why do folks in Kentucky go to the movie theater in groups of 18
or more?
Cuz 17 and under not admitted.

=====
Emily Sue passed away and Bubba called 911. The 911 operator told Bubba that she would send someone out right away.
"Where do you live?" asked the operator.
Bubba replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive."
The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?"
There was a long pause and finally Bubba said, "How 'bout if I
drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?"

 

Two pollocks are talking to each other about not being able to find their car whenever they go to the amusement park. So one of the pollocks decides he is going to solve this problem.

So the next day he goes and rents an elephant and the two pollocks ride into the parking lot of the amusment park. One of them says to the other were are we going to put this elephant at. THe other one says well, there are some trees over there and some shade lets put him there.

So they park the elephant and go into the park to have a good time. After a day of fun they come back out to astonishment. There are now ten elephants standing were they parked theirs. So the two pollocks look at each other and scratch their heads.

Then one of the pollocks said I know how we can find our elephant. So he walks over and starts lifting the tails of each elephant. What are you doing the other one says. His buddy replies didn't you hear the parking attendant say will you look at the two assholes on that elephant.
 

Your rich relative invites you over to help take the wheels off his new home.

Your wife has a beer belly and you think she looks good.

when you move your refridgarator there is a patch of dead grass underneath it.

your front porch collapses and kills three of your dogs.

taking a shower means waiting for it to rain.

it requires each of your eight kids to walk a dog so you and your wife can have sex.

using the outhouse requires taking a number.
 

You may be a Redneck if:

You go to a family reunion to meet women

Directions to your home include "turn off the paved road"

You can't find your truck, which is on blocks, through the weeds/grass in the yard

You don't know if Bubba is spelled with one or two Bs'

!

Have you ever heard of the Oaklohoma Inbreeders Association!!!
 

A polish couple were delighted when their long wait to adopt a baby came to an end.
The adoption center called and told them that they had a wonderful Russian baby boy, and the couple took him without hesitation.

On the way home from the adoption center, they stopped by the local college so they each could enroll in night courses.]

After they filled out the forms, the registration clerk inquired, "What ever possessed you to study Russian?"

The couple said proudly, "We just adopted a Russian baby, and in a year or so he'll start to talk. We just want to be able to understand him
 

One day the sheriff sees Billy-bob walking around town with nothing on except his gun belt and his boots.

The sheriff says “Billy-bob, what are you doing walking around town dressed like that?”

Billy-bob replies “Well sheriff, it’s a long story!”

Sheriff says “I’m in no hurry, - so let’s hear it.”.

Billy-bob continues “Well sheriff, me and Mary-Lou was down on the farm and we started a cuddling. Mary-Lou said we should go in the barn and we did. Inside the barn we stated a kissing and a cuddling and things got pretty hot and heavy, well May-Lou said that we should go up on the hill. So we did. Up on the hill we started a kissing and a cuddling and then Mary-Lou took off all her clothes and said that I should do the same. Well, I took off all my clothes except my gun belt and my boots.

Then Mary-Lou lay on the ground and looked at me and said “Bob, go to Town”
 

Two redneck guys go on a fishing trip.

They spend a fortune renting all the equipment: the reels, the rods, the wading suits,
the rowboat, the car, and even a cabin in the woods.

The first day they go fishing, but don’t catch anything.
The same thing happens on the second day and the third . This goes on until finally, on the last day of their vacation, one of the men catches a fish.

While driving home One guy turns to the other ... “Do you realize that this one lousy fish we caught cost us nearly $1500?”

The other guy says, “Wow! It’s a good thing we didn’t catch any more!”
 

Two rednecks drive through a gas station to fill up their truck.

They notice a sign saying "Enter here for a chance at free sex!"

They wander inside and ask the attendant how to enter.

The attendant says that they have to guess a number between one and ten.

The first guy guesses five. The attendant says, "Sorry, but the number is eight."

The second guy guesses seven and the attendant says, "Sorry, but the number was three."

As the two rednecks drive away, one of them turns to the other and says, "You know, I think that contest was rigged."

The second guy, the smarter of the two, replies, "Naw, it's on the up and up. My wife won twice last week."
 

A Polish guy has never had sex, and he gets into bed on his wedding night.

His wife gets naked, sits on the bed, and says, “Do you know what I want?”

He says, “No.”

She gets in bed, spreads her legs wide, and says, “Now do you know what I want?”

He says, “Yeah...you want the whole friggin’ bed to yourself!”
 

Two redneck wives were drinking tea and the one noticed that the other was pregnant.

"We don't have to worry about that!" said one, pointing to her friend's tummy.

"For years now we are using the 'Bucket and saucer' method of contraception."

"And what may that be?" asked the pregnant one.

"You see, my husband is quite short. So we do it standing up and he stands on a bucket to reach. So I watch him, and when his eyes get big as saucers, I kick the bucket out from under him!"
 

Two vampires wanted to go out to eat, but were having a little trouble deciding where to go.

They were a little tired of the local food in Transylvania and wanted something a little more exotic.

After some discussion, they decided to go to Italy because they had heard that Italian food was really good.

So off they went to Italy, in bat form of course, and ended up in Venice.

On a bridge over one of the canals, they hid in the shadows and waited for dinner.

A few minutes later a young couple walking their way came to the bridge. As they neared, the vampires made their move. Each vampire grabbed a person, sucked them dry and tossed the remaining bodies into the canal below.

The vampires were extremely pleased with their Italian meal and decided to have seconds.

Another young couple approached a few minutes later and suffered the same fate as the first -- sucked dry and tossed into the canal below.

Our vampire friends are now fairly full but decide to have dessert.

In a short while a third young couple provides just that.

As with the first two couples, these people were also sucked dry and tossed over the rail into the canal.

The vampires decided that they had had a marvelous dinner but that it was time to head back home.

As they started to walk away they began to hear some singing.

They were puzzled because no one else was on the bridge.

As they listened, they realize that it was coming from the canal. They looked over the rail and saw a big alligator in the water under the bridge, feasting on the bodies.

They listened as the alligator sang, "Drained wops keep fallin' on my head."
 

1. A menstrual cycle has three wheels. True or False 

2. Asphalt describes rectal problems. True or False 

3. Masturbate is used to catch large fish. True or False 

4. Fetus is a character on Gunsmoke. True or False 

5. Erection is when Japanese people vote. True or False 

6. Spread Eagle is an extinct bird. True or False 

7. The clitoris is a type of flower. True or False 

8. A G-string is part of a fiddle. True or False 

9. A pubic hair is a wild rabbit. True or False 

10. KOTEX is a radio station in Cincinnati.True or False 

11. Coitus is a musical instrument. True or False 

12. An orgasm is a person who accompanies a church choir. True or False 
 

YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF.....

10• You list your parole officer as a reference.

9• Your wife keeps a can of Vienna sausage in her purse.

8• You use the O on a stop sign to sight your new rifle. 

7• You use a 55 Chevy as a guest house. 

6• Santa Claus refuses to let your kids sit in his lap.

5• The Salvation Army declines your mattress.

4• People are scared to touch your wife's bathrobe. 

3• The directions to your house include "turn off the paved road".

2• The dog catcher calls for a backup unit when he visits your house

1• You have a bumper sticker that says, "MY MOTHER'S AN 
HONOR STUDENT AT SOUTH LITTLE ROCK JR. HIGH." 
 

The Ten Commandments (In Ebonics)

1. I be God. Don' be dissing me.

2. Don' be makin hood ornaments outa me or nothin in my crib.

3. Don' be callin me for no reason - homey don' play that.

4. Y'all betta be in church on Sundee.

5. Don' dis ya mama ... an if ya know who ya daddy is, don' dis him neither.

6. Don' ice ya bros.

7. Stick to ya own woman.

8. Don' be liftin no goods.

9. Don' be frontin like you all that an no snitchin on ya homies.

10. Don' be eyein' ya homie's crib, ride, or nothin.
 

Did you hear about the Instant lotto game in India?

You scratch the card and if the dot on the card matches the on on your head you win a convience store in the US! 
 

A redneck truck driver is driving east on Route 66 he sees a truck driving west, and the CB crackles to life" Hey, redneck driver, who's the two biggest faggots in America?" 

The redneck replies, "I don't know." The other trucker says " You and your brother."

Well the redneck gets all pissed off, but the other driver tells him, "Its just a joke, tell it to the next truck you see."

So the redneck drives for about an hour and finally sees another truck.

He gets on the CB and says, "Hey, other truck, do you know who the two biggest fags in the world are?" 

The other trucker says, "I don't know, who?" 

The redneck replies, "Me and my brother."
 

An Arkansas hillbilly came to town carrying a jug of moonshine in one hand and a shotgun in the other.

He stopped a man on the street, saying to him "Here friend, take a drink outta my jug."

The man protested, saying he never drank.

The hillbilly leveled his shotgun at the stranger and commanded "Drink!"

The stranger drank, shuddered, shook, shivered and coughed. "Gee! that's awful stuff you've got there."

"Ain't it, though?" replied the hillbilly.

"Now, you hold the gun on me while I take a swig."
 

A news reporter decided to do a column on old Southern stories.

He goes to the hills of Kentucky and finds an old guy sitting on his porch.

''Do you have any stories you can share with me?''

The old guy says, ''Of course I do. One time old Bob's goat got loose, so we set up a search team to find it. We sat around and had a few beers and then went looking for it. We found it, then we all screwed it.

'' ''Well I can't put a story like that in the paper. Do you have any others - maybe a happy story?'' asked the reporter.

''Sure do,'' said the man, ''One time old Bubba's cow got loose. We set up a search party to find it. Once again, we had a few beers, looked for the cow, then we screwed it when we found it.'' '

'Well, I can't put that in the paper either. Do you have any sad stories?''

''Sure do. One time I got lost!''
 

Q: How does a redneck tell the difference between a bull and a cow in the dark?

A: He sticks his nose in the animal's ass... if there's a place for his tongue, it's a cow.
 

A hill country husband died and left everything to his wife.

He put a provision in his will though that she couldn't touch any of it until she turned 14.
 

A Redneck buys a ticket and wins the lottery.

He goes to Austin to claim it where the man verifies his ticket number

The Redneck says "I want my $20 million."

To which the man replied, "No, sir. It doesn't work that way.

We give you a million today, and then you'll get the rest spread out for the next 19 years."

The Redneck said, "Oh, no. I want all my money RIGHT now! I won it, and I want it."

Again the man patiently explains that he would only get a million that day and the rest during the next 19 years.

The Redneck, furious with the man, screams out, "Look, I WANT MY MONEY!! If you're not going to give me my $20 million "right now," THEN I WANT MY DOLLAR BACK!!

 

The redneck patient was being admonished by the doctor at the local health clinic.

"Until the penicillin cleans out your infection, you ain't to have no relations whatsoever!"

Pausing for a moment, the young patient replied, "Okay, but what about friends 'n neighbors?"

 

Bubba’s Crash Course

Bubba and Cooter decided that they weren't going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead.

Bubba goes in first, and the professor advises him to take math, history, and logic.

"What's logic?" asked Bubba.

The professor answered, "Let me give you an example.

Do you own a weed-eater?"

"I sure do," answered the redneck.

"Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replied the professor.

"That's real good," the redneck responded in awe.

The professor continued: "Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also have a house."

Impressed, the redneck shouted, "AMAZIN'!!!!!"

"Since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife."

"Betty Mae! This is incredible!" (Bubba’s obviously catching on.)

"Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual," said the professor.

"You're absolutely right! Why that's the most fascinatin' thing I ever heard of. I cain't wait to take this here logic class."

Bubba, proud of the new world opening up to him, walked back into the hallway where Cooter is still waiting.

"So what classes are ya takin?" he asks.

"Math, history, and logic," replies Bubba.

"What in tarnation is logic?"

"Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weed-eater?"

"No."

"You're queer, ain't ya?"
 

A Redneck walks into a gun shop....

Gun Shop Owner: "Hi, How can I help you?"

Redneck Guy: "I'm lookin' for a gun."

Owner: "What kind of gun are you lookin' for?".

Redneck Guy: (pointing at the biggest handgun in the case) "That one looks about right."

Owner: (very surprised) " What do you need a .44 magnum for?"

Redneck Guy: "It's for shootin' at cans."

Owner: (pointing at a small handgun): "Well, this is the perfect size for shooting at cans."

Redneck Guy: (pointing at the .44) "Nah, I think that I need this one."

Owner: "Damn, what kinda cans are you shooting?"

Redneck Guy: "Mexi-cans.... Puerto Ri-cans...."
 

A Pole, and Italian, and a Jew, all first-time fathers, are pacing nervously in the maternity ward waiting room when a nurse rushes out of the delivery room holding a black baby.

"Is it yours?" she asks the Italian.
"Certainly not," he retorts.

"Yours?" she asks the Pole, “no”

She turns to the Jew and ask: "How about you?"
"Maybe," he says glumly.... "My wife burns everything."
 

What's the new national bird of Iraq?
Duck.

Why can't the Iraqis schedule driver's ed and sex ed on the same day?
The camels get too tired.

What did Saddam and his father have in common?
They both pulled out too late.

Why doesn't Saddam Hussein go bar hopping?
He can get bombed at home.

What's the difference between Saddam and a box of crap?
- The Box!
 

True Southerners know...

* the difference between a hissie fit and a conniption fit.

* pretty much how many fish make up a mess.

* what general direction cattywumpus is.

* that gimme sugar don't mean pass the sugar.

* when somebody's "fixin" to do something it wont be LONG.

* the difference between yankees and damn yankees.

* how good a cold grape nehi and cheese crackers are at a
country store.

* knows what "well I swanee" means.

* ain't nobodys biscuits like grandmas biscuits.

* a good dog is worth his weight in gold.

* real gravy dont come from the store.

* when "by and by" is.

* how to handle their pot likker.

* the difference between "pret' near" and "a right far piece."

* the difference between a redneck and a good ol' boy.

* never go snipe hunting twice.

* at one point learned what happens when you swallow tabacco juice.

* you should never loan your tools, pick-up, or gun to nobody.
 

A hillbilly man and his new bride were on their honeymoon.

The husband jumps into bed to wait for his wife to get herself ready.

The wife comes out of the bathroom in a sexy negligee and says "honey, I have something to tell you. I'm a virgin"

The man grabs his clothes and rushes out of the house yelling at the top of his lungs. He heads straight to his fathers house.

When he gets there his father says "son, what are you doing here? You're supposed to be on your honeymoon."

The son says " Dad, my new wife told me a big secret of hers. She's a virgin."

"Damn son. You did the right thing by leaving. If she wasn't good enough for her own family, she sure as hell isn't good enough for ours!"
 

Q: What has 99 legs & 49 teeth?
A: The front row at a Willie Nelson concert.

Q. Was the toothbrush invented in West Virginia?
A. Yes, anywhere else would of called it a "teethbrush."

Q: What is the definition of a hillbilly virgin?
A: An ugly twelve year old who can outrun her brothers.

Q:  What's the difference between trash and white trash?
A:  Nothing. They both drive around in dump trucks, smell like crap, & get more and more rotten each day.

Q: How do you circumcise a redneck?
A: You kick his sister in the chin......
 

You Might Be a Redneck If...

- You think "loading the dishwasher" means getting your wifedrunk.

- You ever cut your grass and found a car.

- You own a home that is mobile and 5 cars that aren't.

- You think the stock market has a fence around it.

- Your stereo speakers used to belong to the Drive-in Theater

.- Your boat has not left the drive-way (or front yard) in 15years.

- You own a homemade fur coat.

- The Salvation Army declines your mattress.

- You've ever raked leaves in your kitchen.

- Birds are attracted to your beard.

- Your wife's job requires her to wear an orange vest.

- You were shooting pool when any of your kids were born.

- You have the local taxidermist's number on speed dial.

- You've ever hit a deer with your car...deliberately.

- Your school fight song was "Dueling Banjos".

- You think a chain saw is a musical instrument.

- You've ever given rat traps as gifts.

- You clean your fingernails with a stick.

- Your coffee table used to be a cable spool.

- You keep a can of RAID on the kitchen table

- Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat

.- Your mother has "ammo" on her Christmas list.

- Every socket in your house breaks a fire code.

- You've totaled every car you've ever owned.
- There are more than five McDonald's bags in your car.

- The Home Shopping operator recognizes your voice.

- There has ever been crime-scene tape on your bathroom door.

- You've ever been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys.

- The tail-light covers of your car are made of red tape

.- You think a subdivision is part of a math problem

.- You've ever bathed with flea and tick soap.

- You have every episode of Hee-Haw on tape.

- You're considered an expert on worm beds.

You take a siphon hose to "Show and Tell."

- The dog catcher calls for a backup unit when visiting your house.

- People hear your car a long time before they see it

- The gas pedal on your car is shaped like a bare foot.

- You prefer car keys to Q-tips.

- You take a fishing pole into Sea World.

- You think a turtleneck is key ingredient for soup.

- You think the French Riviera is a foreign car.

- You go to a stock car race and don't need a program

.- You've ever filled your deer tag on the golf course.

- You own more than 3 shirts with cut off sleeves.

- You consider a bug zapper entertainment.

- Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.

- Someone asks to see your ID and you show them your belt buckle.

- Directions to your house include "Turn off the paved road."

- Your dog and your wallet are both on a chain.-

You owe the taxidermist more than your annual income.

- Your wife's hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan.

- You see no need to stop at a rest stop 'cause you have an empty milk jug.

- You consider the fifth grade your senior year.

- The dog can't watch you eat without gagging.

- You have ever bar-b-qued Spam on the grill...

.- You consider gravel "home improvement".
 

Did ya'all hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age in Alabama to 41?*

It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the public highschools.

*Note: Does not include in Huntsville
 

How do you know when you're staying in a classy hotel in theSouth?

When you call the front desk and say, "I've gotta leak in my sink," and the person at the front desk says, "awe shucks mister, go on ahead."

One day you and your redneck Dad are fishin at a little lake in Alabama.

After a couple of hours he still didn't catch a fish.

Nothing.

Suddenly a Black man appears with no fishing gear. He bends over and puts two of his fingers into the water. In a few short seconds a beautiful fish gets stuck on his fingers.

Your Dad is just watching in awe at this picture.

After a while the Black man had enough to feed a whole family and then some!

Your Dad gets curious; and asks the Black man how he did that.

The Black man replies: "Yo put two of yo fingers in your woman's pussy, get her nice 'n hot - then you see..."ya'all can do this too if yo try."

So your dad gets his fishing gear together, jumps into his pick-up and quickly drives home. When he arrives at home, he sees his wife standing on a ladder cleaning the cabin windows. He sneaks up behind her and slides his two fingers into her pussy.  As he's pumping his hand in and out; without turning around she purrs:

"You Big Black man, are you in there again?" 
 

Redneck First Aid

A woman goes to a small-town restaurant and orders the chicken special. When her foodarrives she quickly bites into the chicken.

Suddenly, she starts choking on a tiny bone.

Two country boys in a neighboring booth notice the woman in distress and jump up to help her. The first boy drops his coveralls and bends over while the second boy licks his rear-end.

The woman watches these two in grossed-out amazement and hurls, dislodging the chicken bone from her throat.

The country boy pulls up his overalls and says to the other, "You're right Bubba, that hind-lick maneuver works real good".
 

A Redneck's Guide to Autos - Part 1

Jack up your car by installing tires that are big enough to drive over a three story building.

When you are well aware that your car might break down, drive on bridges and narrow highways during peak rush hour traffic.

If your car breaks down while driving, do not attempt to move to the shoulder. Stay in the middle of the road.

If it is necessary to change your tire on a road shoulder, lie the flat tire in the middle of the road and make traffic drive around it.

If your muffler system breaks, keep it broken as long as possible. Drive through residential neighborhoods at night as much as you can and rev the engine.

If your car leaks oil, and you visit friends or relatives, park in their driveway.

Never replace worn tires and drive fast on wet roads and slippery roads.

If you notice smoke coming from your exhaust pipes, allow your car to roll back at the next red light to make sure that you get some of it into the car behind you.

Tint your windows pitch black so that nobody can see you, where your looking, or what's happening in front of you.

Only have your oil checked and windows washed when you pull into a busy and under-staffed gas station.

Never replace burned out brake, signal, and head lights.

When replacing a burned out low-beam headlamp, use a high-beam bulb.

Try to aim the lights higher than legal limit.

Windows which no longer roll down are not to be fixed. This way you can delay other drivers by having to unfasten your seat belt and open the entire car door to pay a highway toll.

If your car's safety fails the annual state inspection, bring it to a private inspection station and pay the mechanic $20 to pass you.

If any safety parts on your car need replacing (such as burned out headlights or worn tires) wait months until its inspection time to get them repaired.

If the plastic tail light cover breaks, fix it with red tape. If the plastic turn signal cover breaks, fix it with yellow tape.

If the bumper or exhaust system starts to fall off, use twine to loosely tie it back up. Better yet, just let it drag on the road.

If the radio antenna breaks, unbend a wire hanger and shove it into the antenna opening.

Adjust your window washers so that they squirt over the windshield, above the car, and onto the vehicle behind you.

An old rag is the perfect substitute for a missing gas cap.

When disabled in the road, leave your car door wide open, then step into oncoming traffic as you walk around the door to re-enter your car.

Install bright neon lights around your license plates so that no
one can read them.

When you bring your car in for servicing and the mechanic asks what kind of car you have, tell him you have a blue one.
 

The redneck patient was being admonished by the doctor at the local health clinic.

"Until the penicillin cleans out your infection, you ain't to have no relations whatsoever!"

Pausing for a moment, the young patient replied, "Okay, but what about friends 'n neighbors?"
 

You Might Be A Redneck If....

• You buy your jewelry at the hardware store.

• You mistake the offering plate for a spit can.

• You have no hubcaps on your car because you're using them to feed you hunting dogs.

• None of your shirts cover your stomach.

• Your screen door has no screen.

• Your good deed for the month was hiding your brother for a few days.

• Momma taught you how to flip a cigarette.

• You can spit without opening your mouth.

• You have an Elvis Jell-O mold.
 

Redneck Humor

Dear Abby:

If a man and a woman get married in Texas and move to Washington are they still brother and sister?    

If a husband divorces his wife in Arkansas are they still brother and sister?
 

It was a hot day in Minnesota. Helga hung the wash out to dry, put a roast in the oven, then went downtown to pick up some dry cleaning.
''Gootness, iss hot,'' she mused to herself as she walked down Main Street. As she was passing a tavern, she thought, ''Vy nought?'' and walked in and took a seat at the bar.

The bartender came up and asked her what she'd like to drink. Helga replied, "I vill have unt cold beer, please.''

The bartender asked, ''Anheuser Busch?''

Helga blushed and replied, ''Vell, fine, tanks, und how's yer pecker?''
 

Q: What is the best pick-up line in West Virginia?

A: God that’s a nice looking tooth!
 

While breaking into a bank and walking through the lobby, Billy Bob noticed a map display with a star and the words "YOU ARE HERE."

Turning to the other he said, "We better give it up, Bubba, they already know where we is."
 

Once there was a redneck waitress with a cold thumb, so when she served soup to a man, the very upset man yelled "Why the hell is your thumb in my soup?!"

Then she said "I'm sorry sir, my thumb is very cold"

The man got even more pissed and said "well why don't you just shove it up your ass bitch!"

The waitress yelled" I already did, it didnt work!"
 

Making Some Cash

Two men, Billy and Samuel, are sitting in a bar when another man comes in with a plastic bag.

He sets the bag down on the counter, calls the bartender over, and gives him the bag.

The bartender looks in and pulls out an Indian head.

The bartender then walks to the cash register, and pulls out a thousand dollars and hands it to the man with the bag.

The two men argue over the next 10 minutes about what the transaction meant.

Finally they decide to ask the bartender. The bartender says, "A couple of years ago those dang Indians broke into my house and killed my wife.

Since then I just pay any of you folk here who'll bring me an Indian head a thousand dollars." The men get excited and ask, "Will you do this for us?" The bartender shruggs and says, "O' well shure thing little cowboys."So the men decide to head over to a reservation that night.

As they crouch on a narrow ledge, they see an Indian riding on a horse not far from where they are. So one of them takes a rock and hits the Indian in the side of the head, knocking the Indian unconscious. The two men quietly make their way over to the Indian, and as one pulls out a hunting knife... "Billy, I thinkyou should see this!" hisses the other man.

"What, Samuel, I'm just about to.." "Billy, you really need to see this!"

So the man with the knife looks up, and there is a circle of maybe 5,000 heavily armed Indians standing there. Billy stands up and says, "Holy cow, Samuel, we're gonna be RICH!"
 

Here in Kentucky, you don't see too many people hang-gliding.

Ol' Zeek decided to save up and get a hang-glider.

He takes it to the highest mountain, and after struggling to the top, he gets ready to take flight. He takes off running and reaches the edge and into the wind he goes!

Meanwhile, Maw & Paw Hicks were sittin' on the porch swing, talkin 'bout the good ol' days when maw spots the biggest bird she has ever seen!

"Look at the size of that bird, Paw!" she exclaims.

Paw raises up, "Git my gun, Maw."

Maw runs into the house, brings out his pump action shotgun.

He takes careful aim. BANG...BANG.....BANG.....BANG! The monster size bird continues to sail silently over the tree tops.

"I think ya missed him, Paw," she says.

"Yeah," he replies, "but at least he let go of ol' Zeek!"
 

redneck sex quiz:

1. A menstrual cycle has three wheels. True or False 

2. Asphalt describes rectal problems. True or False 

3. Masturbate is used to catch large fish. True or False 

4. Fetus is a character on Gunsmoke. True or False 

5. Erection is when Japanese people vote. True or False 

6. Spread Eagle is an extinct bird. True or False 

7. The clitoris is a type of flower. True or False 

8. A G-string is part of a fiddle. True or False 

9. A pubic hair is a wild rabbit. True or False 

10. KOTEX is a radio station in Cincinnati.True or False 

11. Coitus is a musical instrument. True or False 

12. An orgasm is a person who accompanies a church choir. True or False 
 

YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF.....

10• You list your parole officer as a reference.

9• Your wife keeps a can of Vienna sausage in her purse.

8• You use the O on a stop sign to sight your new rifle. 

7• You use a 55 Chevy as a guest house. 

6• Santa Claus refuses to let your kids sit in his lap.

5• The Salvation Army declines your mattress.

4• People are scared to touch your wife's bathrobe. 

3• The directions to your house include "turn off the paved road".

2• The dog catcher calls for a backup unit when he visits your house

1• You have a bumper sticker that says, "MY MOTHER'S AN  HONOR STUDENT AT SOUTH LITTLE ROCK JR. HIGH." 
 

A redneck walks into a bar with a wet, steaming pile of shit in his hands.

He looks over at the bartender with pride and says, "Lookie what I almost stepped in!"
 

40 Things Never Said By Southerners

40. Oh I just couldn't. Hell, she's only sixteen.

39. I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.

38. Duct tape won't fix that.

37. Lisa Marie was lucky to catch Michael.

36. Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken.

35. We don't keep firearms in this house.

34. Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?

33. You can't feed that to the dog.

32. I thought Graceland was tacky.

31. No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe.

30. Wrasslin's fake.

29. Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?

28. We're vegetarians.

27. Do you think my gut is too big?

26. I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy.

25. Honey, we don't need another dog.

24. Who's Richard Petty?

23. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.

22. Too many deer heads detract from the decor.

21. Spittin is such a nasty habit.

20. I just couldn't find a thing at Walmart today.

19. Trim the fat off that steak.

18. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.

17. The tires on that truck are too big.

16. I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad.

15. I've got it all on the C drive.

14. Unsweetened tea tastes better.

13. Would you like your salmon poached or broiled?

12. My fiance, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.

11. I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.

10. Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.

09. Checkmate.

08. She's too young to be wearing a bikini.

07. Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?

06. Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.

05. I don't have a favorite college team.

04. Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.

03. I believe you cooked those green beans too long.

02. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla.

01. Nope, no more for me. I'm drivin tonight.
 

These two country boys, brothers, were knocking around one lazy summer day and thought it would be a good prank to push over the outhouse. They crept up from an advantageous direction like a couple of commandos, pushed the outhouse over on one side and headed for the woods. They circled round and returned home an hour later from a completely different direction trying to divert suspicion from themselves.

Upon returning, their father approached them with switch in hand and bellowed, "Did you two push the outhouse over this afternoon?"

The older boy replied, "As learned in school, I cannot tell a lie. Yes, Father, we pushed over the outhouse this afternoon."

At this revelation, the farmer proceeded to flail the two boys severely and sent them to bed without supper.

In the morning, the two boys meekly approached the breakfast table and took their seats. Everything was quiet until their father finally said, "Have you two learned your lesson?"

"Sure, Dad!" said the big brother, "But, in school we learned that George Washington admitted to HIS father that he'd chopped down a cherry tree and he was forgiven because he told the truth."

"Ah yes!' said the farmer, "BUT, George's DAD, wasn't in the cherry tree when he chopped it down!!!"
 

Two rednecks are walking down the street.

One of them looks over and sees a dog licking himself on the sidewalk.

He turns to the other redneck and says, "Hey look at that dog, don't you wish you could do that?"

The other redneck says, "Yeah, but don't you think the dog will bite me?"
 

Lorraina Bobbit was really very upset at the actions of her husband so she cut off his penis. Below is the part of the story that you may not have heard yet....

After she cut his dick off, she left the house with his cock in hand.

She got in her car and headed down the highway. Realizing what she had done, and realizing that she still had the swollen bloody cock of her husband in her hand, she tossed it out the window.

The penis flew out and was taken by the wind. It hit the windshield of the truck that was behind her.

Inside the truck, there were two rednecks that were in from a hunting trip.

As the cock hit the window one turns to the other and says, "Hey Billy Ray..."

"What Cletus?"

"You see the size o' the dick on that bug?"
 

You might be a Redneck Jedi if...

You ever heard the phrase, "May the force be with y'all."

Your Jedi robe is camouflage.

You have ever used your light saber to open a bottle of Bud Light.

At least one wing of your X-Wings is primer colored.

You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok.

You have ever had a land-speeder up on blocks in your yard.

The worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the dadgum skeeters.

Wookies are offended by your B.O.

You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you didn't have to wait for a commercial.

You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing/bowling.

Your father has ever said to you, "Shoot, son come on over to the dark side... it'll be a hoot."

You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingy to get the barbecue grill to light.

You have a confederate flag painted on the hood of your land-speeder.

You ever fantasized about Princess Leah wearing Daisy Duke shorts.

You have the doors of your X-wing welded shut and you have to get in through the window.

Although you had to kill him, you kinda thought that Jabba the Hutt had a pretty good handle on how to treat his women.

You have a cousin who seems to bear a vey strong resemblance to Chewbacca.

You suggested that they outfit the Millennium Falcon with redwood deck.

You were the only person drinking Jack Daniels during the cantina scene.

If you hear . . . "Luke, I am your father... and your uncle"
 

Two redneck wives were drinking tea and the one noticed that the other was pregnant.

"We don't have to worry about that!" said one, pointing to her friend's tummy.

For years now we are using the 'Bucket and saucer' method of contraception."

"And what may that be?" asked the pregnant one.

"You see, my husband is quite short. So we do it standing up and he stands on a bucket to reach.

So I watch him, and when his eyes get big as saucers, I kick the bucket out from under him!"
 

There were these two rednecks that went away on their annual hunting expedition, and by accident one was shot by the other.

His worried companion got him out of the deep woods, into the car, and off to the nearest hospital.

"Well, Doc," he inquired anxiously, "is he going to make it?"

"It's tough," said the doctor. "You know, he would probably have a better chance if you hadn't gutted him first."
 

The redneck farmer was disturbed when he found out his son was masturbating several times a day out in the barn.

"Boy, you gotta quit that! Go out and get yourself a wife."

So the boy went out and found himself a pretty young girl, to whom he got married.

But a week or so after the wedding, the farmer found his son "choking the chicken" again.

"You crazy boy!" he yelled, "That Elli-Mae is a fine young gal!"

"I know Paw," the boy replied, "but her arm gets tired sometimes!"
 

Polish Terrorists

In an apparent copycat terrorist act, Polish terrorists Stanley and Lech

Binladenski have hijacked a Goodyear Blimp.

So far, they have bounced off of 5 buildings.
 

Ma and Pa are sitting out on the front porch one day.

"You know what? Junior's 21. It's time we taught him about sex.

Junior, get out here!". Junior runs out. 'Junior, I think it's time to teach you about sex." "
Sex," says Junior. "What's sex?"

"Well," Pa says. "Take off your clothes, Ma." So Ma takes off her clothes. "You see that hole in Ma?

Watch this." Pa starts doing her right there on the porch.

A little while goes by and Junior's younger brother, Bubba comes out on the porch and asks what's going on.

"Ma and Pa are teaching me about sex." "Sex? What's sex?" "See that hole in Pa?

Watch this!"
 

How can you tell if a Texas redneck is married?

There is dried chewing tobacco on both sides of his pickup truck.
 

Three hoboes were walking down the railroad tracks, when the first one spoke up. "See that spot over there?" said the first. "That's my lucky spot. I found ten dollars over there, and used the money to buy some Ripple."

"That's nothing!" said the second hobo. "I found twenty dollars right over there", he said, pointing to another spot near the tracks. "And I bought myself a case of beer and got drunker than hell!"

After a few minutes of walking, the third hobo spoke up. "I got you both beat. Right here, I found a woman tied up on the tracks, so I untied her and we had sex all day long!"

"Wow, that's incredible said the other two hobo's. Was she a blonde, Brunette, or Redhead?"

"I don't know", said the third hobo. "I never did find her head!"
 

You Might be a Redeck if....

•Your house still has the "Wide Load" sign on the back.

•You've married 3 times and still have the same in-laws.

•Taking the wife on a cruise means circling the Dairy Queen.

•You can tell your age by the number of rings in the bathtub.

•You own a homemade fur coat.

•You have every episode of Hee-Haw on tape.

Why don't they teach sex education to rednecks?
The farm animals can't handle it.

What do you call a redneck and his sister?
A marriage waiting to happen.

Favorite Redneck pick-up line:
"The fact I'm missing mah teeth just means they's more room fer yer tongue."
 

How many rednecks does it take to eat a possum?

Three. One to eat it, and two to watch for cars.

 

A hill country husband died and left everything to his wife.

He put a provision in his will though that she couldn't touch any of it until she turned 14.
 

Proof that you are a well-bred red neck:

1. If you have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Cool Whip on the side.

2. If the biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart.

3. If your working T.V. sits on top of your non-working T.V.

4. If you thought the Unabomber was a wrestler.

5. If you've ever used your ironing board as a buffet table...

6. If you think a quarter horse is that ride out in front of the K-Mart.

7. If your neighbors think you're a detective because a cop always brings you home.

8. If a tornado hits your neighborhood and does $100,000 dollars worth of improvement.

9. If you've ever used a toilet brush as a back scratcher.

10. If you've ever asked the preacher "How's it hangin?"

11. If you missed 5th grade graduation because you had jury duty.

12. If you think fast food is hitting a deer at 65mph.

13. If somebody tells you that you've got something in your teeth and you take them out to see what it is.

14. If you've ever stared at a can of orange juice because it said concentrate.

15. If you've ever been too drunk to fish.
 

A woman from the deepest, most southern part of Alabama goes into the local newspaper office to see that the obituary for her recently deceased husband is written. The editor informs her that the fee for the obituary is 50 cents a word.

She pauses, reflects and then says, "Well, then, let it read, 'Billy Bob died.'"

Amused at the woman's thrift, the editor says, "Sorry ma'am there is a seven word minimum on all obituaries."

Only a little flustered, she thinks things over and in a few seconds and says, "In that case, let it read, 'Billy Bob died - 1993 pick-up for sale.'"
 

Three railroad workers, a Chinese man, an Italian, and a redneck, are all sitting down to lunch.

The Chinese man says, "If I get another egg roll in my lunch, I'll kill myself."

The Italian guy says, "If I get another slice of pizza, I'll kill myself."

The redneck says, "Iffin I get another ham hock, I'll kill myself."

The next day, all three men get the same lunches, so they throw themselves in front of an oncoming train. At the funeral the Chinese man's wife says, "If only I hadn't packed an egg roll that day."

The Italian guy's wife says, "If only I hadn't packed a slice of pizza that day."

"Don't look at me," says the redneck's wife. "He done packed his own vittles."
 

Redneck Offspring

A young hillbilly always went out to the barn to beat off and when he was done he would shoot his load into a coffee can and hide it under the bench.

One day his father caught him and told him, ''Son, every time you do that you are killing a baby.''

The next time the boy went to the barn he was about to shoot his load and reached down to grab his can but a little frog had jumped in.

The boy looked in the can saw the frog and said, ''Son you're ugly but daddy loves ya.''
 

Why is there so few k-marts in afganistan?
Because there are so many targets.

------------------
...My brain's always wrapped...
 

Polish Marines stormed Bloomingdale's Department Store in New York yesterday after its intelligence agency reported that Bed Linen was on the fourth floor.
. No one was hurt.

Boudreaux (Pronounced Boo-Dro) was floating down the bayou on his pirogue (A cajun boat pronounced Pee-Ro) heading in to town,when he happend to see Flo sitting on her porch with her legs hiked up and spread wide open exposing her beautiful pussy.

Boudreaux hollered up to her and asked, "Ms. Flo, what's that there you got between your legs?"Flo answered, "Why Boudreaux, that there's my washin' machine."

Boudreaux hollered back up and asked, "Well, can I come up there and do me a load of laundry?"

Flo said, "Sure."

So Boudreaux hopped out of his pirogue and hurried up to the front porch and went to town on that wonderful pussy of Flo's. When he had "washed his laundry," Boudreax got back in his pirogue and headed in to town where he did someshopping.

On his way back home he passed by Flo's shanty and there she was, sitting on her porch with her legs hiked up and her beautiful pussy exposed for all to see.

He hollered up to her and said, "Ms. Flo, what's that there you got between your legs?"

She hollered back and said, "Now Boudreaux, I done tol' you that's my washin' machine."

Boudreaux hollered back up and said, "Ms. Flo, you mind if Icome up there and do me another load of laundry?"

Flo hollered back down and said, "Boudreax, if that load of laundry you got to do is the same size as the one before, you can just do it by hand!"
 

Billy Bob and Lester were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Lester, "Ya know, I reckon I'm about ready for a vacation. Only thisyear I'm gonna do it a little different.

The last few years, I took your suggestions as to where to go. Three years ago you said to go toHawaii. I went to Hawaii and Marie got pregnant.

Then two years ago,you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Marie got pregnant again.

Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Marie didn't get pregnant again."

Lester asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?"

Billy Bob says, "This year I'm taking Marie with me."

 

Travelling Salesman in West Virginia

A travelling salesman is in West Virginia when he comes upon a house with a little boy sitting on the front steps.

"Son, is your mother home?"

The little boy nods yes.

"Can I see her please?"

The boy nods again, and they go around to the back of the house where they find the mother on the ground, humping away with a sheep.

"Son, do you see what your mother is doing?"

The boy nods yes.

"Do you know what that is?"

The boy nods.

"Doesn't that bother you?"

"Naaaaaaah!"
 

"Well," Bubba began, "We wuz havin' a good time drinking, when my cousin Ray picked up his shotgun and said, "Hey, der ya fellows wanna go hunting?"

"And then what happened?"

"From what I remember," Bubba continued, "I stood up and said, "Sure, I'm game."
 

Redneck's Medical Dictionary

Artery: Study of paintings

Bacteria: Backdoor to cafeteria

Barium: What to do when treatment fails

Bowel: Letter like A E I O or U

Ceasarean Section: District in Rome

Cat Scan: Searching for Kitty

Cauterize: Made eye contact with her

Coma: Punctuation Mark

Congenital: Friendly

D & C: Where Washington is

Dilate: To live long

Enema: Not a friend

Fester: Quicker

Genital: Non-Jewish

Hang Nail: Coat Hook

Impotent: Distinguished, well known

Labor pain: Hurt at work

Morbid: Higher offer

Nitrate: Cheeper than day

Outpatient: Person fainted

Post op: Letter Carrier

Recovery Room: Place to apholster

Rectum: Dang near Killed Him

Rheumatic: Amorous

Secretion: Hiding something

Tablet: Small table

Terminal Illness: Sick at Airport

Tibia: Country in North Africa

Tumor: More than One

Urine: Opposite of 'you're out'

Varicose: Nearby

Vein: Conceited
 

Redneck Poetry

Robert Frost and a redneck came to heaven's gate at the same time.

St. Peter stood at the gate with instuctions for the two: ''You cannot enter the gates of heaven until you can make up a poem and recite it to me using the word 'Timbuktu' in it.''

Robert Frost stepped up and recited a beautiful poem and was let in the gates.

The redneck stepped up and St. Peter said, ''Now, what is your poem?''

The Redeck paused and scratched.

''Oh! I got it,'' said the redneck, ''here it goes. . .

Me and Tim a huntin' went,
Met three maidens in a ten
t, They was three and we was two,
So I bucked one and Tim bucked two.''
 

Bob just moved from New York City to Alabama.

He was looking for something to do on the weekend.

One day, he hit the local pub for a beer with some of his new co-workers.

He asked one guy, “What do people do around here for fun....?”

Man: Do you like fighting, being you come from New York City?

Bob: Yes I like a good fight now and again.

Man: Do you like playing cards?

Bob: Why sure I do!

Man: What about a little sucking and fucking?

Bob:I like fucking and sucking just as much as the next guy.

Man: Well, hell, I know just the place. We can go there tonight.

Bob: Sure, I'm going to go home shower and change, I'll meet you back here in an hour.

Man: Now why you gonna go and do that?

Bob: Well, gotta get rid of the sweat and odor from a day's work.

Man: There's no need for that. It's just the two of us!
 

You might be a High Tech Redneck if.....

10. Your email address ends in over.yonder.com."

9. You connect to the WWW via a "Down Home Page."

8. If the bumper sticker on your truck says "My other computer's a laptop"

7. You've ever doubled the value of your truck by installing a cellularphone.

6. Baseball cap reads DEC instead of CAT

5. Your computer is worth more than all your cars combined.

4. Wife said "either she or the computer had to go", and you still don't miss her.

3.You've ever used a CD-ROM as a coaster to set your beer on.

2. You refer to your computer as Ole Bessy

1. You start e-mails with "Howdy y'all."

 

What do toilets, clitoris, & an anniversary have in common?

A. Men miss them all.

Redneck Sex Quiz:

1. A menstrual cycle has three wheels. True or False

2. Asphalt describes rectal problems. True or False

3. Masturbate is used to catch large fish. True or False

4. Fetus is a character on Gunsmoke. True or False

5. Erection is when Japanese people vote. True or False

6. Spread Eagle is an extinct bird. True or False

7. The clitoris is a type of flower. True or False

8. A G-string is part of a fiddle. True or False

9. A pubic hair is a wild rabbit. True or False

10. KOTEX is a radio station in Cincinnati.True or False

11. Coitus is a musical instrument. True or False

12.An orgasm is a person who accompanies a choir. True or False
 

YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF.....

10• You list your parole officer as a reference.

9• Your wife keeps a can of Vienna sausage in her purse.

8• You use the O on a stop sign to sight your new rifle.

7• You use a 55 Chevy as a guest house.

6• Santa Claus refuses to let your kids sit in his lap.

5• The Salvation Army declines your mattress.

4• People are scared to touch your wife's bathrobe.

3• The directions to your house include "turn off the paved road".

2• The dog catcher calls for a backup unit when he visits your house

1• You have a bumper sticker that says, "MY MOTHER'S AN HONOR STUDENT AT SOUTH LITTLE ROCK JR. HIGH."
 

Three young black ladies were sitting on the front porch one afternoon talking to each other about their boyfriends.

During their conversation, one said to the others, “You know, seein’ hows all our boyfriends are named ‘Leroy,’ wez gonna get our boyfriends mixed up. So, I’z tell you whut, let’s pick out nicknames for them so wez can tell them apart.”

The others agreed to this. The first one said, “I’z gonna name my Leroy ‘Upper 10’ ‘cause he’s 10 inches long and always up.”

The second one pipes in, “Well, I’z gonna name my Leroy ‘7 Up’ ‘cause he’s 7 inches long and always up.”

The first two asked the third, “Whut’s you gonna name your Leroy?”

The third thought for a moment and then said, “Well, I’z gonna call my Leroy ‘Jack Daniels’.”

“Why you gonna call your Leroy dat fur?” the others asked.

“Well, Jack Daniels is a hard liquor, ain’t it?!”
 

Redneck Driver's License Application

Last name: ________________ First name (check appropriate box):

[_] Billy-Bob
[_] Bobby-Sue
[_] Billy-Joe
[_] Bobby-Jo
[_] Billy-Ray
[_] Bobby-Ann
[_] Billy-Sue
[_] Bobby-Lee
[_] Billy-Mae
[_] Bobby-Ellen
[_] Billy-Jack
[_] Bobby-Beth-Ann

Age: ____ (if unsure, guess)

Sex: ____ M _____ F _____ Not sure

Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right

Occupation:

[_] Farmer
[_] Mechanic
[_] Hair Dresser
[_] Waitress
[_] Unemployed
[_] Dirty Politician

Spouse's Name: __________________________2nd Spouse's Name: __________

3rd Spouse's Name: _________________________

Lover's Name: ____________________________

2nd Lover's Name: __________________________

Relationship with spouse:

[_] Sister [_] Aunt
[_] Brother
[_] Uncle
[_] Mother
[_] Son
[_] Father
[_] Daughter
[_] Cousin
[_] Pet

Number of children living in household: ___Number of children living in shed: ___

Number of children that are yours: ___

Mother's Name: _______________________

Father's Name: _______________________
(If not sure, leave blank)

Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)

Do you [_] own or [_] rent your mobile home?

Vehicles you own and where you keep them:

___ Total number of vehicles you own

___ Number of vehicles that still crank

___ Number of vehicles in front yard

___ Number of vehicles in back yard

___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks

Firearms you own and where you keep them:

____ truck
____ kitchen
____ bedroom
____ bathroom
____ shed

Model of your pickup: _____________

Year pickup produced: 194____

Do you have a gun rack?

[_] Yes [_] No; If no, please explain:_________________________

Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:

[_] The National Enquirer
[_] The Globe
[_] MAXIM
[_] TV Guide
[_] Soap World
[_] Rifle and Shotgun

___ Number of times you've seen a UFO

___ Number of times you've seen Elvis

___ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO

How often do you bathe:

[_] Weekly
[_] Monthly
[_] Not Applicable

How many teeth? ___Color of teeth:

[_] Yellow
[_] Brownish-Yellow
[_] Brown
[_] Black
[_] N/A

Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:
[_] Red-Man

How far is your home from a paved road?

[_] 1 mile
[_] 2 miles
[_] don't know

An Alabama farmer was driving his pick-up truck across a bridge when he noticed a man standing on the rail of the bridge ready to jump to his death in the river below.

The man stopped his truck, ran up to the man and said, "Hey fellow, why are you doing this?"

The man replied, "Well, I have nothing to live for."

The farmer replied, "Well, think of your wife and children!"

The jumper replied, "I have no wife and children."

The farmer then said, "Well, then think of your mother and father!"

The man replied, "Mom and Dad passed away many years back."

The Alabama farmer then said, "Well, think of General Robert E. Lee!"

The would-be jumper replied, "Who?"

With that the Alabama farmer said, "Jump you stupid Yankee, JUMP!!!"
 

A Brit, a Frenchman, and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve strolling in the Garden of Eden.

"Look at their reserve, their calm." muses the Brit. "They must be British."

"Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, the are French."

"No clothes, no shelter." The Russian points out, "they only have an apple to eat, and they're being told this is paradise. They are Russian."
 

You Might Be A Redneck If...

You might be a redneck if you go to your family reunion to meet women.

 

A young polish man finally got his girlfriend to agree to have sex. Being a virgin, he asked an older friend at work how to go about it.

The older man said, it's really very simple. Get her in naked and horny, then take your most prized possession and put it where she pees.

Satisfied with that answer, the young man went off to his date. After getting his girl naked and horny in bed, he took his bowling ball and put it in the toilet.
 

Two Italians, Luigi and Antonio, met on the street. "Hey, Antonio," said Luigi, "Where you been for the past two weeks? No one seen you around."

"Dona talka to me, Luigi," replied Antonio. "I been inna jail."

"Jail!" exclaimed Luigi. "What for you been in jail?"

"Wella, Luigi," Antonio said, "I was lying onna dis beach, and the cops come, arrest me and throw me inna jail."

"But dey dona throw you in jail just for lying onna da beach!", Luigi countered.

"Yeah, but dis beach was screamin' and akickin' and ayellin'!"

 

"I'm not sure if my future bride is a virgin or not."

His buddy replies, "Oh, there's an easy test for that. All you need is some red paint, some blue paint and a shovel. You paint one ball red and one ball blue.

On your honeymoon, if she laughs and says, 'Those are the funniest balls I've ever seen!' you hit her with the shovel!"

A Jewish guy is riding in a cab when they see a guy kicking a woman who's lying on the sidewalk.

The cabbie zooms over, jumps out, and runs to help the lady.

The Jewish guy rolls down the window, and starts yelling, "Stop it! Stop it! Stop the meter!"


 

A daughter comes home from the peace corps in Africa and surprises her mother who is in the process of lighting the Friday night candles and serving the matzoh ball soup.

The mother is so thrilled she can't stop hugging and kissing her daughter. Finally she says, "Sit down, darling. Tell me all about what you were doing."

Her daughter says, "Mom, I got married." "Oy, mazel tov," says the mother. "How could you do that without telling me? What's he like? What does he do? Where is he?"

"He's waiting outside on the porch while I tell you." "What are you talking about? Bring him in. I want to meet my new son-in-law."

The daughter brings him in and to her consternation the mother sees a black man standing before her wearing a big grin, a feathered cod piece, an enormous head dress, animal tooth beads, and he is holding a very tall spear in an upright position.

The mother grabs her daughter, slaps her back and forth on both cheeks and screams, "Dummy, Stupid, Idiot....I said a RICH doctor!"

Two Rednecks rob a Brink's Armored truck and all they getaway with are two sacks, so they keep one each. After awhile they meet again and one asks the other, "What did you find in your sack?"

"Half a million"

"Aw... that's a lot! What did you do with all that cash?"

"I bought a house and a boat. How about your sack?"

"Bah... mine was full o' bills"

"And what did you do with them?"

"Eh well . . . little by little, I'm paying them off ...
 

Two hillbillies, Hubba and Bubba, were walking through the grassy fields of Alabama.

Suddenly, Bubba stops when he sees a sheep with its head jammed in a barbed wire fence.

"Hoo-yah!" cries Bubba, "Now ain't she purty?"

He quickly hurries over to the sheep, drops his pants and hastily has his way with the sheep.

When he is finished, he pulls up his pants and steps back and says to Hubba, "Ok, it's your turn now."

Hubba pulls down his pants, walks over to the sheep, and jams his head into the barbed wire fence.
 

The following is a pre-approved posting whose purpose is to offer insightand advice to Northerners moving South.

Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed on how to use it shortly. Seriously.

Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean Southerners can. Please stay home the two days of the year it snows. Your life depends on it.

If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in the cab of afour-wheel pick-up with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be alongshortly. Don't try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.

You can ask Southerners for directions, but unless you already know thepositions of key hills, trees and rocks, you're better off trying to find it yourself.

Remember: Y'all is singular. All y'all is plural. All y'all's is plural possessive.

Get used to hearing, "You ain't from around here, are you?" Well, 'cause you ain't from here! We can tell!

Don't be worried that you don't understand anyone. They don't understandyou,either.

The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted Northerner'svocabulary is the adjective "big ol", as in 'big ol truck' or 'big ol boy'.

As you are cursing the person driving 15 mph in a 55-mph zone, directly inthe middle of the road, remember: ALL Southern folks learned to drive on a John Deere, and this is the proper speed and lane position for that vehicle.

If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this!" Stay out
of his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say, or worse
still, that you will ever hear.

Most Southerners do not use turn signals; they ignore those who do. In
fact, if you see a signal blinking on a car with a Southern license plate,you may rest assured that it was already turned on when the car waspurchased.

If it can't be fried in bacon grease, it ain't worth cooking, let alone eating. Country ham, Country Fried Steak, Collard Greens...

The wardrobe you always brought out in September can wait until
December. The clothes you brought for December, your neighbors will be
wearing in September. "Dang it, it sure is cold out, y'all!"

If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the most
minuscule accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local
grocery store. It does not matter if you need anything from the store. It is just something you're supposed to do. Everyone will be there buyingmilk and bread. Nothing else, just milk and bread, preferably white as in Sunbeam.

Satellite dishes are very popular in the South. When you purchase one, itis positioned directly in front of the house. This is logical, bearing inmind that the dish cost considerably more than the house, and should,therefore, be prominently displayed. Dishes are required, after all, toget maximum access to stock car racing and fishing shows.

Be advised that in the South, "He needed killin'!", is a valid defense.Especially when directed at Yankees, all y'all! Ack!
 

Two Italians, Luigi and Antonio, met on the street. "Hey, Antonio," said Luigi, "Where you been for the past two weeks? No one seen you around."

"Dona talka to me, Luigi," replied Antonio. "I been inna jail."

"Jail!" exclaimed Luigi. "What for you been in jail?"

"Wella, Luigi," Antonio said, "I was lying onna dis beach, and the cops come, arrest me and throw me inna jail."

"But dey dona throw you in jail just for lying onna da beach!", Luigi countered.

"Yeah, but dis beach was screamin' and akickin' and ayellin'!"
 

Standing on the shore, a Jewish lady watches her grandson playing in the water.

She is thunderstruck when she sees a huge wave crash over him. Because when it recedes, the boy is no longer there - vanished!Screaming, she holds her hands to the sky and cries, "Lord, how could you? Have I not been a wonderful mother and grandmother? Have I not scrimped and save so I could tithe to the Temple and contribute to B'nai Brith? Have I not always put others before myself? Have I not always turned my other cheek and loved my neighbors, have I not ...?"

A deep loud voice from the sky interrupts, "Enough already, give me a break!'"

Immediately another huge wave appears and crashes on the beach. And when it recedes, the boy is standing there,smiling, splashing around as if nothing ever happened. The deep loud voice continues, "I have returned your grandson. Are you satisfied?"

Grandmother responds, "He had a hat."
 

A young Jew and an old Jew are riding on a bus in Jerusalem.

The young Jew asks, "Excuse me, sir, what time is it?"

The old Jew doesn't answer.

"Excuse me, sir," the young Jew asks again, "what time is it?"

The old Jew still doesn't answer.

"Sir, forgive me for interrupting you all the time, but I really want to know what time it is. Why won't you answer me?"

The old Jew says, "Son, the next stop is the last on this route. I don't know you, so you must be a stranger. If I answer you now, according to Jewish tradition, I must invite you to my home.You're handsome and I have a beautiful daughter. You will both fall in love and you'll want to get married. And tell me, why would I want a son-in-law who can't even afford a watch?"
 

Southern Speak

Exclamations:

"Well knock me down and steal muh teeth!"

"Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit."

"Ahm fixin ta do that"

Threats:

"I'll slap you so hard, when you wake up, your clothes will be outta style."

"This'll jar your preserves."

"Don't you be makin' me open a can o' whoop-ass on ya!"

Compliments:

"Cute as a sack full of puppies."

"If things get any better, I may have to hire someone to help me enjoy it."

"Gooder than grits."

The Weather:

"It's so dry, the trees are bribing the dogs."

"It's been hotter'n a goat's butt in a pepper patch."

Wintery roads are said to be "slicker than otter snot."

Descriptions:

A bothersome person is "like a booger that you can't thump off."

When something is bad then you say, "that ain't no count."

If something is hard to do, it's "like trying to herd cats."

"He ran like his feet was on fire and his butt was catchin."

Insults:

"She's uglier than homemade soap."

"Your momma's so fat, when she stepped up on the scale to be weighed,
it said 'To be continued'."

"He fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down."

"Uglier than a lard bucket full of armpits."

"The wheels still turning, but the hamsters dead."

Any insulting statement is always followed by "bless his/her heart." like:
"She's dumber than a door knob, bless her heart."

 

REDNECK MEDICAL TERMS

Artery......................The study of paintings.
Benign......................What you be after you be
eight.
Bacteria....................Back door to cafeteria.
Barium......................What doctors do when
patients die.
Cesarean Section............A neighborhood in Rome.
Catscan.....................Searching for Kitty.
Cauterize...................Made eye contact with her.
Colic.......................A sheep dog.
Coma........................A punctuation mark.
D&C.........................Where Washington is.
Dilate......................To live long.
Enema.......................Not a friend.
Fester......................Quicker than someone else.
Fibula......................A small lie.
Genital.....................Non-Jewish person.
G.I.Series..................World Series of military
baseball.
Hangnail....................What you hang your coat on.
Impotent....................Distinguished, well known.
Labor Pain..................Getting hurt at work.
Medical Staff...............A Doctor's cane.
Morbid......................A higher offer than I bid.
Nitrates....................Cheaper than day rates.
Node........................I knew it.
Outpatient..................A person who has fainted.
Pap Smear...................A fatherhood test.
Pelvis......................Second cousin to Elvis.
Post Operative..............A letter carrier.
Recovery Room...............Place to do upholstery.
Rectum......................Darn near killed him.
Secretion...................Hiding something
Seizure.....................Roman emperor.
Tablet......................A small table.
Terminal Illness............Getting sick at the
airport.
Tumor.......................More than one.
Urine.......................Opposite of you're out
Varicose....................Near by

A Jewish boy went to his father and asked to borrow $50.00.

The father looked at the boy puzzled and asked, $40.00, what do you need $30.00 for?
 

A pretty woman, carrying a stack of boxes from a shopping spree, was walking down the street when all of a sudden a strong wind lifts her skirt.

The hillbilly standing nearby just looked and smiled. The woman snaps at him, "Well, I can see that you're no gentleman!"

The hillbilly says, "And I can see you ain't one, neither!"

 

Young Zeke was on his way home from the market when he saw a girlfrom the next farm and offered her a ride.

Pretty soon, they came to a clump of trees, and she asked him to stop.

Seeing that he was bashful, she took his face in her hands and kissed him. Then she asked, "Do you want to go a little farther?"

He said, "Yep, Get up Betsy.

"So they rode a little farther, and she asked him to pull up atanother shady spot. Then she took one of his hands and placed itinside her bosom and his other hand on her thigh, and asked. "Do you want to go a little farther?"

Again he said, "Yep get up Betsy.

" So, when they stopped at the third bushy place, she reached overand opened his fly and took his pecker out. She spread herself before him and asked, "Now do you want me to put it in for you?"

He replied, "Yep. My paw would kill me if I came home with it hanging out."
 

Cowboy Joe was telling his fellow cowboys, back on the ranch, about his first visit to a big-city church.

"When I got there, they had me park my old truck in the corral," Joe began.

"You mean the parking lot," interrupted Charlie, a more worldly fellow.

"I walked up the trail to the gate," Joe continued.

"The sidewalk to the door," Charlie corrected him.

"Inside the door, I was met by this dude," Joe went on.

"That would be the usher," Charlie explained.

"Well, the usher led me down the chute," Joe said.

"You mean the aisle," Charlie said.

"Then he led me to a stall and told me to sit there," Joe continued.

"Pew," Charlie retorted.

"Yeah," recalled joe. "That's what that pretty lady said when I sat down beside her."

 

Threats used in disfunctional families...

14. "Finish your lima beans or you're not getting any heroin for dessert!"

13. "If you don't stop that this instant, I'll have Grandma perform another striptease for you."

12. "If this plexiglass wasn't between us, I'd wash your mouth out with soap, young man!"

11. "Do you want me to put a tofu burrito in your pants? Well? Do you?"

10. "Billy Bob, you finish them chores or Sis ain't goin' to the prom with ya!"

9. "Eat your brussel sprouts, or Mommy won't love you anymore."

8. "Lyle, Erik -- either behave, or go to your suites!"

7. "If you don't eat your peas, Chelsea, I'll make you stay at the Gingrich's house!"

6. "Don't make me put you back in the womb!"

5. "As long as you live under this roof, you're *going* to wear that dress, young man!"

4. "You just wait 'til your father gets paroled!"

3. "Stop crying Lourdes, or Uncle Dennis will kick you in the groin."

2. "Young lady, don't make me send you to the Citadel!"

1. "All right, Little Mister, no more time in the sheep pen for you!!"
 

WINDOWS XP: REDNECK VERSION!

SPECIAL PRESS RELEASE:

A special Arkansas edition of Windows XP has been developed.

It is distinguished by the unique opening screen. It reads: WINDERS XP,
and has a a Dukes of Hazzard screen saver.

Other differentiating features:

The Recycle Bin is labeled "Outhouse"

My Computer is called "This Dern Contraption"

Dial up Networking is called "Good Ol' Boys"

Control Panel is known as the "The Dashboard"

Hard Drive is referred to as "4- Wheel Drive"

Floppies are "them little ol plastic disc thangs"

Instead of an error message a "garbage bag and roll of duct tape" pops up

CHANGES IN TERMINOLOGY IN ARKANSAS EDITION:

OK . . . . . . . . . . ats aw-right
Cancel . . . . . . . stopdat
Reset . . . . . . . try er agin
Yes . . . . . . . . . yep
No . . . . . . . . . . noop
Find . . . . . . . . .hunt fer it
Go to. . . . . . . . over yonder
Back . . . . . . . . back yonder
Help . . . . . . . . hep me out here
Stop . . . . . . . . kwitit
Start . . . . . . . crank er up
Settings . . . . . . settins
Programs . . . . . .stuff at duz stuff
Documents . . . . .stuff ah done did

Also note that ARKANSAS EDITION does not recognize capital letters or
punctuation marks.

Some programs that are exclusive to Winders XP:

Tiperiter . . . . . . . A word processing program

Colerin book . . . . . a graphics program

cyferin mersheen . . . Calculator

outhouse paper . . . . notepad

iner-net . . . . . . . Microsoft Explorer 6.0

pichers . . . . . . . . A graphics viewer

I hope this helps all y'all!

Billy Bob Gates
Head Honcho
 

A man went to a storefront psychic for some spiritual guidance. The man
said, "There's a horrible dark cloud surrounding me."

"I know," said the psychic, "and for a hundred dollars, I can rid you of
it."

The man, eager to be cured, handed over the money. The psychic then pulled
out a book of matches and lit one.

The man said, "What do you call this dark and horrible curse?"

The psychic waved the match in front of his butt and said, "Mexican food."
 

YOUR CHURCH MIGHT BE A REDNECK CHURCH IF . . .

The finance committee refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a chandelier because none of the members know how to play it.

People ask, when Jesus fed 5000, whether the two fish were bass or catfish, and what bait was used to catch 'em.

The pastor says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up
the offering," then five guys and two women stand up.

Opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday.

A member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of."

The choir is known as the "OK Chorale."

With a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven last names in the church directory.

Baptism is referred to as "branding."

There is a special fund raiser for a new church septic tank.

High notes on the organ make all the dogs asleep on the church floor begin to howl.

People think "rapture" is what you get when you lift something too heavy.

A redneck named Bubba was tired of hearing redneck jokes that so often used the name, Bubba. He went to court to change it and appeared before a judge who asked, "Sir, why do you want to legally change your name, are you in trouble, hiding from the law, what?"

"No sir, Your Honor. I'm just tired of listening to jokes about rednecks that often use that name. It's Bubba this, Bubba that, so I want my name changed."

The judge asked, "And what name do you want it changed to?"

He said, "Candy."

The judge replied, "Candy? Spell it for me."

He said, "Candy, C-A-N-D-Y, Your Honor."

The judge put the name on the papers before him and said, legally, "Your name is now, Candy."

He rushed over to tell his girlfriend. He knocked on her door and
heard, "Who's there?"

He said, "It's me!"

She said, "Come on in Bubba, the doors unlocked."

He said, "It's not Bubba."

She said, "Yes it is, I recognize your voice."

He said, "It ain't Bubba no more cause I done legally changed it."

She asked, "What is it then?"

He said, "Guess."

She said, "Leroy?"

He answered, "No."

She said, "Johnny?"

He answered, "No."

She said, "Hell, I give up, come on in."

He said, "Wait, I'll gives ya a hint. Ya holds it in ya hand and
ya puts it in ya mouth."

She replies, "Oh!... Come on in, Peter!"

 

A Jewish lady goes into a furniture store owned by a Jewish man.She picks out a lamp she likes and brings it to the counter.

She finds out the price is $69.95 and says, "Oy, down the street at Goldstein's these are only $49.95!"

The owner asks why she doesn't buy it from Goldstein's, and she says, "Because they just ran out of them."

The owner throws up his hands and says, "Ha! When I'm out of them, they're only $29.95!"

A little old Jewish lady gets onto a crowded bus and stands in
front of a seated young girl.

Holding her hand to her chest, she says to the girl, "If you knew what I have, you would give me your seat."

The girl gets up and gives up her the seat to the old lady. It is
hot. The girl then takes out a fan and starts fanning herself.

The woman looks up and says, "If you knew what I have, you would give me that fan." The girl gives her the fan, too.

Fifteen minutes later the woman gets up and says to the bus driver, "Stop, I want to get off here."

The bus driver tells her hehas to drop her at the next corner, not in the middle of the block.

With her hand across her chest, she tells the driver, "If you knew what I have, you would let me off the bus right here."

The bus driver pulls over and opens the door to let her out. As she's walking out of the bus, he asks, "Madam, what is it you have?"

The old woman looks at him and nonchalantly replies,"Chutzpah."

 

A Chinese man had three daughters, he asked his eldest daughter what kind of man she would like to marry.

"I would like to marry a man with three dragons on his chest", said the eldest daughter.

He then asked his second daughter who she would like to marry.

"I would like to marry a man with two dragons on his chest", said the second daughter.

He finally asked his youngest daughter who she would like to marry."

I would like to marry a man with one draggin' on the ground", said the youngest daughter.
 

A hillbilly family's only son had saved up money to go to college and after three years he came back home.

They were sitting around the dinner table when the Dad said, "Well son, you gone to college so you must be perty smart. Why don't you speak some math fer' us?"

"OK, Pa", the son said. "Pi R squared."

After a moment the Dad said, "Why son, they ain't teached ya nothin'! Pie are round, cornbread are square."
 

Signs in Goldberg's furniture store --

"There are two reasons why we won't cash your check -- one, we don't know you; two, we DO know you."

"We have an agreement with the banks. They don't sell furniture, and we don't cash checks."

"We don't blame our competitors for charging less. After all, they should know what their stuff is worth!" :G

 

There are two Mexicans talking. One is a new resident of the town. The first Mexican says to the other, "Hey, Vato, this town is pretty rough. All the Mexicans know how to fight. So watch your back."

The other Mexican replies, "I don't need to worry, because I know
Mexican Judo."

The first Mexican asks, "What's Mexican Judo?" The second says, "Ju don't know if I have a gun; Ju don't know if I have a knife..."

 

Exclamations:

"Well knock me down and steal muh teeth!"

"Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit."

"Ahm fixin ta do that"

Threats:

"I'll slap you so hard, when you wake up, your clothes will be outta style."

"This'll jar your preserves."

"Don't you be makin' me open a can o' whoop-ass on ya!"

Compliments:

"Cute as a sack full of puppies."

"If things get any better, I may have to hire someone to help me enjoy it."

"Gooder than grits."

The Weather:

"It's so dry, the trees are bribing the dogs."

"It's been hotter'n a goat's buttin a pepper patch."

Wintery roads are said to be "slicker than otter snot."

Descriptions:

A bothersome person is "like a booger that you can't thump off."

When something is bad then you say, "that ain't no count."

If something is hard to do, it's "like trying to herd cats."

"He ran like his feet was on fire and his butt was catchin."

Insults:

"She's uglier than homemade soap."

"Your momma's so fat, when she stepped up on the scale to be weighed,
it said 'To be continued'."

"He fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down."

"Uglier than a lard bucket full of armpits."

"The wheels still turning, but the hamsters dead."

Any insulting statement is always followed by "bless his/her heart." like: "She's dumber than a door knob, bless her heart."

Ole and Lena got married.

On their honeymoon trip, they were nearing Minneapolis when Ole put his hand on Lena's knee.

Giggling, Lena said, "Ole, you can go farder dan dat if you vant to."

So Ole drove to Duluth.
 

Southern Sayins

It's so dry here, the fish are knocking on the door, askin' for a
drink of water.

He disappeared like a belch in a wind storm.

Who blew out your pilot light?

I'm so hungry I could lick the sweat off a cafeteria window!

It's so good, it'd make a freight train take a dirt road!

My stomach's full, but my mouth ain't satisfied!

Well now! Don't that just fry your tater?

That steak's so rare, a good vet could save it!

That's about as easy as nailin' Jell-O to the wall.

That feller ain't nothin' but an appetite with skin drawn over it.

I'm old and ugly, but I can still pull up to the table three times a day.

You can't chew with somebody else's teeth.

When foxes pack the jury box, the chicken's always guilty!

That's like tryin' to sneak sunup past a rooster!

Noisier than a mule in a tin barn.

Sexy as socks on a rooster.

Mad as a mule chewin' bumblebees.

A fartin' horse never tires.

You shut the barn door after your horse got out.

You're about as useful as a bucket under a bull!

Now that he's sowed his wild oats, he's hopin' for crop failure!

He's so bad, he'd fight a circle saw!

He's all vines, and no taters.

He'll never drown in his own sweat.

It's like tryin' to poke a cat out from under the porch with a rope.

His feet's so big, he has to put his britches on over his head.

I felt like a bastard at a family reunion.

If you shake his hand, count your fingers.

If she heard that, she'd lay square eggs.

He's about two jumps ahead of a fit.

If fat geese were sellin' for 10 cents a pound, I couldn't buy a
hummingbird.

If it costs a dollar to go around the world, I couldn't get out of sight.

That chili's so hot, it can make a cat pass a motorcycle!

He looks like he's been beat through hell with a soot bag.

You're about two bubbles off plumb.

I think the butter's slipped off your biscuit.

He's as happy as a puppy waggin' two tails.

You're goin' up fool's hill on the slippery side.

Folks who get all wrapped up in themselves, sure do make small packages.

You'll never get indigestion from swallowing you own pride.

Who licked the red off your candy?

Two heads are better than one - even if one is a knothead.

Who pissed in your cornflakes?

If I knew I would live this long, I'd have taken better care of myself.

She's so good lookin', it'd make a dog break his chain!

 

QUESTION: Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team?

ANSWER: Because everybody who can run, jump and swim arealready in the United States
 

HUNTIN' REDNECKS!

A group of rednecks went deer hunting and paired off in two's for the day.

That night one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight point buck.

"Where's Billy Bob?" one of his buddies asked between spits of chewing
tobacco.

"Billy Bob looked to had a stroke of some kind. Passed right out he did! He's a couple a miles back up the trail."

"You left Billy Bob jes a-laying out there and carried this here deer
back?!"

"Yeah, it were a tough call," nodded the deer-totin' redneck, "but I
figured no one's gonna steal Billy Bob!"
 

Vincenzo and Luigi were sitting on a bench in a New York park. "Hey," said Vincenzo , "do you likea biga fat woman with a longa, greasy, straggly hair?"

"No, I'ma no likea dat" replied Luigi .

"Den, you likea da woman stinka bad a garlic alla da time?" inquired Vincenzo .

"Nope, I'ma no lika dat kind either!" said Luigi .

"You musta likea da woman with a big, thicka hips anna varicose veins, no?" asks Vincenzo .

"Notta me!" answered Luigi .

"How about da woman witha da big ass and hairy arms," asks Vincenzo

"Never lika dat!" answered Luigi .

"Den you Guinea bastard, whya you keepa fuckin' my wife?" Vincenzo asked.
 

Redneck Job Placement Method

Does your organization struggle with the problem of properly fitting people to jobs? Here is the Redneck method of job placement. Take the prospective employees you are trying to place and put them in a room with blank walls and only a table and two chairs. Leave them alone for two hours, without any instruction. At the end of that time, go back and see what they are doing.

If they have taken the table apart, Engineering.
If they are counting the butts in the ashtray, Finance.
If they are screaming and waving their arms, Manufacturing.
If they are talking to the chairs, Personnel.
If they are writing about the experience, Technical Publications.
If they don't even look up when you enter, Security.
If they tell you it's not as bad as it looks, Marketing.
If they've left early, put them in Sales.
And if they are sleeping, they are Management material.

 

A couple of redneck hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He does't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head.

The other redneck starts to panic, then whips out his cell phone and calls 911.

He frantically blurts out to the operator, "O my gawd! Help! My friend just died. He's Dead! What can I do?"

The operator, trying to calm him says, "Take it easy. I can help. Just listen to me and follow my instructions. First, lets make sure he's dead." There's a short pause, and then the operator hears a loud gun shot!!!

The redneck comes back on the line and says, "OK, now what?"
 

The story goes that a sick Jewish man with deteriorated eyesight was lying in his hospital bed, surrounded by his immediate family.

He struggles to ask if his wife is present.

She assures him. He asks the same of his eldest son. And on to his youngest one.

When all of them acknowledged their presence, the man sat up and screamed, "WELL, WHO'S WATCHING THE BUSINESS, THEN?!"
 

An elderly Jewish couple on their way to a vacation in Hawaii, got into an argument about the correct pronunciation of Hawaii.

He was sure it was Havaii, but she maintains that it was Hawaii.

As soon as they landed they asked the first person they saw, "Would you mind telling me the name of this island?"

"Havaii!", the man replied.

"Thanks", answered the man.

"You're Velcome," the man replied.

 

You'll Know Yours Is A Redneck Church If

The finance committee refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a chandelier because none of the members knows how to play one.

People ask, when they learn that Jesus fed the 5000, whether the
two fish were bass or catfish, and what bait was used to catch 'em.

When the pastor says, 'I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the
offering,' five guys and two women stand up.

Opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church
holiday.

A member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive
truck because 'It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of.'

The choir is known as the 'OK Chorale.'

Boone's Farm 'Tickle Pink' is the favorite wine for communion.

In a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven last names
in the church directory.

High notes on the organ set the dogs on the floor to howling.

The collection plates are really hub caps from a '56 Chevy.

Sol Goldbaum, an elderly Jewish gentleman stood before a delicatessen display counter and pointed to a tray. "I'll have a pound of that roast beef," he said.

"That's not roast beef," the clerk said, "it's ham."

"Sonny," the customer snapped, "in case nobody ever told you, you got a big mouth!"

 

SIGNS YOU'RE AT A WEDDING IN TENNESSEE

* The rehearsal dinner is held at Hooters.

* Instead of "friends of the bride or friends of the groom?", ushers ask "Ford or Chevy?"

* Bridesmaids wear pink tube tops and the groomsmen wear Travis Tritt t-shirts.

* Phrase "I Do" is replaced by "I Heard That!"

* Tender rendition of "The Wedding Song" is replaced by "Rocky Top" and performed by Boxcar Willie.

* When the minister asks, "Who Giveth This Woman To Be Married...
" some guy in the back stands up and hollers "Earnhardt!"

* Reception conversation includes the phrase, "Been to Dollywood
lately, Earl?"

* Snack trays and beverages at reception include vienna sausages
(smoked, of course), nacho cheese Doritos and grandma's own
moonshine.

* Plans for the Honeymoon evening include tickets to the Monster Truck Show.

* The sign in front of the church reads: No Shirt...No Shoes...No Problem!

 

A guy goes into a store and tells the clerk, "I'd like some Polish sausage."

The clerk looks at him and says, "Are you Polish?"

The guy, clearly offended, says, "Well, yes I am. But let me ask you something." If I had asked for Italian sausage would you ask me if I was Italian? Or if I had asked for German bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or if I had asked for a taco would you ask if I was Mexican? Would ya, huh?

Would ya?"

The clerk says, "Well, no."

With deep self-righteous indignation, the guy says, "Well, all right then, why did you ask me if I'm Polish just because I ask for Polish sausage?"

"Because this is Home Depot!

One cold December day, a French tourist in Scotland decided to find out if the natives were as tight as he had heard.

He stopped at a farm cottage, told the farmer's wife he was freezing to death, and was invited to come in and warm himself at the hearth.

Once inside the house, he complained of being thirsty. The woman
handed him an enormous white crockery mug filled with milk.

After taking a big swig, the guest exclaimed, "This is sweet and
fresh ... you are most generous!"

She replied modestly, "It's nothing. My family wouldn't drink that milk because we found a dead rat in it."

Sick to his stomach, the Frenchman clapped both hands over his
mouth, allowing the huge mug to fall to the floor and shatter on
the stone floor.

The Scotswoman grabbed her broom, raised it high in the air, brought it down on the visitor's head, and hollered, "Get out, you ungrateful pig! I take you in my home, I let you share my fire, I give you milk to drink ... and now you repay my kindness by breaking the children's potty chair!"

Steve, I never claimed that I had clothes, and you were not the only one to bring this to my attention, I received several direct e-mails to my regret. Guess what? I do blow it sometimes, I make mistakes..I acknowledge them and then I move on. Cheers!!

Whenever I meet you, I will buy the drinks.

I should buy you a drink for all the entertainment!

NEWLYWED REDNECKS

The week after their marriage, the redneck newlyweds paid a visit to their doctor.

"I can't figure it out doc, and I'm really worried", said the husband. "My pecker is turning blue."

"That's pretty unusual," said the doctor. "Let me examine you."

The doctor takes a look. Sure enough, the redneck's penis is blue.

The doctor turns to the wife and asks, "Are you using the diaphragm that I prescribed?"

"Yes, I am", she replied.

"And what kind of jelly are you using with it?"

"Grape," she answered.
 

AVOID ASS WHUPPIN'

Fifteen ways to avoid a good Southern ass whuppin'

Issued by the Southern Tourism Bureau to ALL visiting Northerners and Northeastern Urbanites:

1) Don't order filet mignon or pasta primavera at Waffle House.It's just a diner. They serve breakfast 24 hours a day. Let them cook something they know. If you confuse them, they'll kick your ass.

2) Don't laugh at our Southern names (Merleen, Bodie, Ovine, Luther Ray, Tammy Lynn, Darla Beth, Inez, Billy Joe, Sissy, Clovis, etc.) or we will just HAVE to kick your ass.

3) Don't order a bottle of pop or a can of soda down here. Down here it's called Coke. Nobody gives a flying damn whether it's Pepsi, RC, Dr. Pepper, 7-Up or whatever...it's still a Coke. Accept it. Doing otherwise can lead to an ass kicking.

4) We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate than you (e.g., Welty, Williams, Faulkner). We are also better educated and generally a lot nic! er. Don't refer to us as a bunch of hillbillies, or we'll kick your ass.

5) We have plenty of business sense (e.g., Fred Smith of Fed Ex, Turner Broadcasting, MTV, Netscape). Naturally, we do, sometimes, have small lapses in judgment (e.g.Edwards, Duke, Barnes, Clinton). We don't care if you think we are dumb. We are not dumb enough to let someone move to our state in order to run for the Senate. If someone tried to do that, we would kick her ass.

6) Don't laugh at our Civil War monuments. If Lee had listened to Longstreet and flanked Meade at Gettysburg instead of sending Pickett up the middle, you'd be paying taxes to Richmond instead of Washington. If you visit Stone Mountain and complain about the carving, we'll kick your ass.

7) We are fully aware of how high the humidity is, so shut the hell up. Just spend your money and get the hell out of here, or we'll kick your ass.

8) Don't order wheat toast at Cracke! r Barrel. Everyone will instantly know that you're a Yankee. Eat your biscuits like God intended - with gravy. And don't put sugar on your grits, or we'll kick your ass.

9) Don't fake a Southern accent. This will incite a riot, and you will get your ass kicked.

10) Don't talk about how much better things are at home because we know better. Many of us have visited Northern hellholes like Detroit, Chicago, and DC, and we have the scars to prove it. If you don't like it here, Delta is ready when you are. Move your ass on home before it gets kicked.

11) Yes, we know how to speak proper English. We talk this way because we don't want to sound like you. We don't care if you don't understand what we are saying. All other Southerners understand what we are saying, and that's all that matters. Now, go away and leave us alone, or we'll kick your ass.

12) Don't complain that the South is dirty and polluted. None of OUR lakes or rivers have caught fire recently. If you whine about OUR scenic beauty, we'll kick your ass all the way back to Boston Harbor.

13) Don't ridicule our Southern manners. We say sir and ma'am. We hold doors open for others. We offer our seats to old folks because such things are expected of civilized people. Behave yourselves around our sweet little gray-haired grandmothers or they'll kick some manners into your ass just like they did ours.

14) So you think we're quaint or losers because most of us live in the countryside? That's because we have enough sense to not live in filthy, smelly, crime-infested cesspools like New York or Baltimore. Make fun of our fresh air, and we'll kick your ass.

15) Last, but not least, DO NOT DARE to come down here and tell us how to cook barbecue. This will get your ass shot (right after it is kicked). You're lucky we let you come down here at all. Criticize our barbecue, and you will go home in a pine box.. . . minus your ass!
 

How many rednecks does it take to eat a possum?

Three, One to eat it, and two to watch for cars.
 

"Pappy Joe" saw his 16-year-old boy headin' out down the dirt road carrying a lantern from the house around sunset, and called out, "Hey there, Joe Bob, where's ya goin' with that there lantern?"

Joe Bob grinned from ear to ear and said, "I'm gonna go courtin' Peggy Sue!!"

Pappy Joe hollered out, "When *I* went a courtin', I didn't NEED me no dang lantern!""

Sure, Pappy... I know," Joe Bob said, "And lookit what you got!!"
 

Three Weddings

A Jewish father, Moisha, was beset by his eldest son Yitzak...

"Father, I am going to marry!"

His father begins to dance with joy and sing Hava Nagila..."Tell me, is she a good Jewish girl?" says the father. "What is her name?"

"O'Brien" replies the son... "She's Catholic..."

"Oy!" says the father.... "But are you happy?"

"I'm happy," says the son..

"Ok...as long as you're happy.... my blessings to you both," replies Moisha.

But the father is still counting on his remaining sons, Schlemiel and Chutzpah...

Schlemiel calls on his father the next evening, "Father... I too will be married soon!"

Again, Moisha breaks out in a dance and sings God's praises..."What is her name," implores the father?

"Kazalopodopolous," says the son. "She's Greek Orthodox..."

"Oy," says Moisha... "But are you happy?"

"I'm happy, father..."

"Ok... then you, too, have my blessing," intones Moisha...

Dejected, Moisha goes to the Temple to pray.. "Please God... let my remaining son Chutzpah marry a nice Jewish girl... to raise nice Jewish children in your eyes ... PLEASE!"

Chutzpah comes to his father excitedly and exclaims, "Father! I am to wed in the spring!"

"Her NAME? WHAT IS HER NAME" his father immediately demands?

"Goldberg!" says Chutzpah! Moisha is beside himself with joy! "Praise God! Praise the Prophets!" Turning to Chutzpah, he asks, "Is she Doctor Goldberg's daughter Shelley, from Los Angeles?"

"No..." says Chutzpah...

"Hmmm," says Moisha... "Must be Attorney Goldberg's daughter Rachel from Hollywood?"

"Ah...no, father" says Chutzpah...

"Well, then, what is her first name, my youngest, truest, most beautiful Son?"

"Whoopi." says Chutzpah
 

MONA LISA'S JEWISH MOTHER:

"After all that money your father and I spent on braces, that's the biggest smile you can give us?"

COLUMBUS' JEWISH MOTHER:

"I don't care what you've discovered, you still could have written!"

MICHELANGELO'S JEWISH MOTHER:

"Can't you paint on walls like other children? Do you have any idea how hard it is to get that stuff off the ceiling?"

NAPOLEON'S JEWISH MOTHER:

"All right, if you aren't hiding your report card inside your jacket, take your hand out of there and show me."

ABRAHAM LINCOLN'S JEWISH MOTHER:

"Again with the hat? Can't you just wear a baseball cap like the other kids?"

ALBERT EINSTEIN'S JEWISH MOTHER:

"But it's your senior picture. Couldn't you do something about your hair? Styling gel, mousse, something,ANYTHING...?"

GEORGE WASHINGTON'S JEWISH MOTHER:

"The next time I catch you throwing money across the Potomac, you can kiss your allowance good-bye!"

MOSES' JEWISH MOTHER:

"That's a nice story. Now tell me where you've really been for the last forty years."

THOMAS EDISON'S JEWISH MOTHER:

"Of course I'm proud that you invented the electric light bulb. Now turn it off and get to bed!"

PAUL REVERE'S JEWISH MOTHER:

"I don't care where you think you have to go, young man, midnight is past your curfew."
 

It has become pretty obvious to us Southerners that our present
astrological signs have served their purpose and that we should get rid of them. When I'm out driving around I'll see bulls, and once in a great while I suppose I'll even see a ram. Up the street from me there's some twins, but I don't see them much. The rest of these things are just too obscure. You only see crabs on vacation. There are no lions or scorpions, not many archers and no damn water bearers. Virgins? The neighborhood's not crawling with them either. SO, what we need here is some relevance. We need things we can recognize up there in the night sky.

OKRA Dec 22 - Jan 20
Although you appear crude, you are actually very slick on the inside. Okra have tremendous influence. An older Okra can look back over his life and see the seeds of his influence everywhere. Stay away from Moon Pies.

CHITLIN Jan 21 - Feb 19
Chitlins often come from humble backgrounds. Many times they're
uncomfortable talking about just where they came from. A chitlin,
however, can make something of himself if he's motivated and has
plenty of seasoning. When it comes to dealing with Chitlins, be very careful. Chitlins can burn and then erupt like Vesuvius, and this can make for a really terrible mess. Chitlins are best with Catfish and Okra. Remember that when marriage time rolls around.

BOLL WEEVIL Feb 20 - Mar 20
You have an overwhelming curiosity. You're unsatisfied with the surface of things, and you feel the need to bore deep into the
interior of everything. Needless to say, you are very intense and
driven as if you had some inner hunger. Nobody in their right mind is going to marry you, so don't worry about it.

MOON PIE Mar 21 - Apr 20
You're the type that spends a lot of time on the front porch. It's a cinch to recognize the physical appearance of Moon Pies. "Big" and "round" are the key words here. You should marry anybody who you can get remotely interested in the idea. It's not going to be easy. This might be the year to think about aerobics. Maybe not.

POSSUM Apr 21 - May 21
When confronted with life's difficulties, possums have a marked
tendency to withdraw and develop a "don't-bother-me-about-it" attitude. Sometimes you become so withdrawn, people actually think
you're dead. This strategy is probably not psychologically healthy, but seems to work for you. One day, however, it won't work, and you may find your problems actually running you over.

CRAWFISH May 22 - Jun 21
Crawfish is a water sign. If you work in an office, you're always
hanging around the water cooler. Crawfish prefer the beach to the
mountains,the pool to the golf course, the bathtub to the livingroom. You tend not to be particularly attractive physically, but you have very, very good heads.

COLLARDS Jun 22-Jul 23
Collards have a genius for communication. They love to get in the "melting pot" of life and share their essence with the essences of those around them. Collards make good social workers, psychologists, and baseball managers. As far as your personal life
goes, if you are Collards, stay away from Moon Pies. It just won't
work. Save yourself a lot of heartache.

CATFISH Jul 24 - Aug 23
Catfish are traditionalists in matters of the heart, with one
exception: Whiskers may cause problems for loved ones. You catfish
are never easy people to understand. You prefer the muddy bottoms to the clear surface of life. Above all else, Catfish should stay away from Moon Pies.

GRITS Aug 24 - Sep 23
Your highest aim is to be with others like yourself. You like to
huddle together with a big crowd of other Grits. You love to travel, though, so maybe you should think about joining a club. Where do you like to go? Anywhere they have cheese or gravy or bacon or butter or eggs. If you can go somewhere where they have all these things, that serves you well.

BOILED PEANUTS Sep 24 - Oct 23
You have a passionate desire to help your fellow man. Unfortunately, those who know you best --your friends and loved ones-- may find that your personality is much too salty, and their criticism will probably affect you deeply because you are really much softer than you appear. You should go right ahead and marry anybody you want to because in a certain way, yours is a charmed life. On the road of life, you can be sure that people will always pull over and stop for you.

BUTTER BEAN Oct 24 - Nov 22
Always invite a Butter Bean because Butter Beans get along well with everybody. You, as a Butter Bean, should be proud. You've grown on the vine of life and you feel at home no matter what the setting. You can sit next to anybody. However, you, too, shouldn't have anything to do with Moon Pies.

ARMADILLO Nov 23 - Dec 21
You have a tendency to develop a tough exterior, but you are actually quite gentle. A good evening for you? Old friends, a fire, some roots, fruit, worms and insects. You are a throwback. You're not concerned with today's fashions and trends. You're not concerned with anything about today. You're really almost prehistoric in your interests and behavior patterns. You probably want to marry another Armadillo, but Possum is another, somewhat kinky, mating possibility.

Redneck Calendar
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January 1- New Year's Day
Bring in the New Year with black-eyed peas and ham hocks. Eating
black-eyed peas brings money and good luck. The ham hocks just make 'em taste better!

January 28 - Super Bowl
Southerners love their football! College football is preferred, but it is possible to get worked up for the Super Bowl with enough beer and a Southern team in contention.

February 2 - Groundhog Day
Target Practice Day - We don't mess around with ground hogs or other varmints.

February 12 - Lincoln's Birthday
Southerners don't celebrate this one. He was born in Kentucky, but later turned Yankee.

February 14 - Valentine Day
Don't forget to go by the drugstore and get your honey a heart-shaped box of candy with a plastic flower on top to let her know how much you think of her.

February 22 - Washington's Birthday
Another Dead President's Day. He was officially Southern, but not a good ol' boy. Those ruffles and wigs ain't country...

March 17 - St. Patrick's Day
Many Southerners are Scotch Irish. Those who are not claim to be and have another good excuse to drink beer.

April 15 - Easter
Easter Bunny Day - Everyone should get "slicked up" and go church at least once a year whether they need to or not.

May 13 - Mother's Day
Be sure to call your mama or get her a card to thank her for birthin' you.

May 28 - Memorial Day
First holiday weekend of summer - Good time to take the boat and go to the lake.

June 17 - Father's Day
Get Pop some Red Man chewin' tobacco.

July 4 - Independence Day
Beer and firecrackers - Careful with the latter if you've had too much of the former.

September 3 - Labor Day
Last weekend of summer - Another good time to take the boat and
go to the lake.

October 8- Columbus Day
Last holiday to go fishing before cold weather.

October 31 - Halloween
Tradition is to play pranks and turn over the outhouse. Unfortunately, there are not many outhouses left these days, and this time-honored tradition is mostly a nostalgic memory.

November 11 - Veteran's Day Drink beer and watch a patriotic movie on television to show appreciation for veterans.

November 22 - Thanksgiving
Good day to take out the dogs and pickup truck and go rabbit hunting.

December 25 - Christmas
Get in the spirit by decorating the house with flashing lights inside and out. Make fruit cake and soak it in whiskey. Put up a pine tree and decorate it. Wrap up the presents from Wal-Mart. Light fire in fireplace. (Important: Remember to open damper first this year.) Celebrate early and try to getrid of the visiting relatives before they get drunk on fruitcake.

December 31 - New Year's Eve
Drink and shoot fireworks. If you don't have any fireworks, just shoot the shotgun in the air at midnight

So this old Chinese guy goes to the eye doctor...after a short examination the doctor says, "Well, I think I know what your problem is. You have a cataract."

"Cataract?" says the old fellow. "No! I have a Rincon Conterental!"
 

How to tell if you might be a High Tech Good Ol' Boy ...

If your e-mail address ends in ".over.yonder.com"

If you connect to the World Wide Web via a "Down Home Page"

If the bumper sticker on your truck says "My other computer is a
laptop"

If your laptop has a sticker that says "Protected by Smith and
Wesson"

If you've ever doubled the value of your truck by installing a
cellular phone.

If your baseball cap read "DELL" instead of "CAT"

If your computer is worth more than all your cars combined

If your wife said "either she or the computer had to go", and you
still don't miss her

If you've ever used a CD-ROM as a coaster to set your beer on

If you ever refer to your computer as "Ole Bessy"

If your screen saver is a bitmap image of your favorite truck,
tractor, or farm animal

If you start all your e-mails with the words "Howdy yall"

 

Signs Your Mobile Home Is Haunted

1. Your can of Skoal mysteriously floats through the air.

2. Blood drips out of your simulated wood paneling.

3. The eyes on the velvet Elvis painting move.

4. The room is spinning, and you're not even drunk yet.

5. That car in your front yard isn't on blocks -- it's levitating
by itself.

6. Your dog, Bo, gets sucked into the TV set, and he's blocking your view of rasslin'.

7. That mysterious scratching below the floorboards? The Telltale Raccoon.

8. The chain the ghost rattles is attached to his wallet.

9. You feel an eerie presence every time "Freebird" plays on the
radio.

10. The trailer is shaking, but there's no tornado in sight.

11. Your Dale Earndhart bed sheets have eyeholes cut in them.

12. The ghost is completely invisible except for the tobacco juice running down his chin.

13. Mysterious footsteps seem to be stomping out "Achy Breaky Heart."

14. There's a funny howlin' noise comin' from the corn crib -- no
wait, that's just Jimmy.

15. You hear strange moaning - but only during Shania Twain videos.

16. You're missing four PBR's, and the missus only drinks Old Milwaukee.

17. The lights turn on and off even though you paid the power bill.

18. You hear blood-curdling screams, but both neighbors are still in jail.

19. You get a mysterious phone call that says, "I know what you did last NASCAR race."

20. Instead of saying "Boo," the ghost says "Boo-ya'll!"

21. The veneer of window grime looks just like Calvin ... and he's pissing on YOU!

22. Instead of naked women, your playing cards, all of a sudden, have pictures of covered bridges on them.

23. The folks on Jenny Jones discuss domestic problems that eerily resemble your own.

24. You get a creepy feelin'and it ain't because that Richard Simmons is on TV.

25. You come home one day and it's ... clean!

YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF...

1.---The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.

2.---You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.

3.---You're been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

4.---You think a woman who is "out-of-your-league" just bowls on a different night.

5.---Jack Daniels makes your list of "most admired people."

6.---You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.

7.---Anyone in your family ever died right after saying: "Hey, watch this."

8.---You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

9.---Your junior prom had a daycare.

10.---Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.

11.---You think the last words of the Star Spangled Banner are:
"Gentlemen, start your engines."

12.---You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.

13.---The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much gas is in it.

14.---You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.

15.---One of your kids was born on a pool table.

16.---You need one more hole punched in your cards to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.

17.---You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.

18.---You think "loaded dishwasher" means your wife is drunk.

19.---Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.

20.---Your front porch collapses and kills more than five dogs.
 

THE BEST OF THE WORST COUNTRY-WESTERN SONG LYRICS

1. Her Teeth Was Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure.

2. How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?

3. I Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling.

4. I Just Bought A Car From A Guy That Stole My Girl,
But The Car Don't Run So I Figure We Got An Even Deal.

5. I Keep Forgettin' I Forgot About You.

6. I Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well.

7. I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dog Fight, Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win.

8. I'm So Miserable Without You, It's Like Having You Here

9. I've Got Tears In My Ears From Lyin' On My Back and Cryin' Over You

10. If I Had Shot You When I Wanted To, I'd Be Out By Now.

11. Mama Get A Hammer (There's A Fly On Papa's Head).

12. My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, And I Don't Love You.

13. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, And I Sure Do Miss Him.

14. Please Bypass This Heart.

15. You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly.

16. If the Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me.

 

TIPS FOR NORTHERNERS HEADED SOUTH

Save all manner of bacon grease. If it can't be fried in bacon grease, it ain't worth cooking, let alone eating.

Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store.

Remember: "Y'all" is singular. "All y'all" is plural.

Don't be worried that you don't understand anyone. They don't understand you either.

You can ask a Southerner for directions, but unless you already know the position of landmark hills, trees, rocks, and where buildings used to stand, you're better off trying to find it yourself.

Do not consider Florida a southern state. There are way more Yankees than Southerners living there.

Satellite dishes are very popular in the South. When one is purchased, it is to be positioned directly in front of the family trailer. This is only logical, bearing in mind that the dish cost considerably more than the trailer and should, therefore, be displayed.

Most Southerners do not use turn signals, and they ignore those who do. In fact, if you see a signal blinking on a car with a southern license plate, you may rest assured that it was on and blinking when the car was purchased.

AND THE NUMBER ONE TIP FOR NORTHERNERS GOING SOUTH?

If you hear a Southern "good ol' boy" exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this!" stay out of his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say.

Sex: Swedish-Style!

Communication is the key to a good marriage, say the experts, but it may take time to develop.

Consider newlyweds Sven and Marta on their honeymoon trip from their little town in southern Minnesota.

They are nearing Minneapolis when Sven puts his hand on Marta's knee. Giggling, Marta says, "Sven, you can go farder than that if you vant to..."

So Sven drives on to Duluth.


 

Chaim "Brickboots" Rabinovich, The notorious, unscrupulous Jewish Godfather, was arrested on a charge of murder, so he used his right to a telephone call to seek help from his lawyer, Moshe "the Cantor" Finkelstein.

Finkelstein said that because of the serious nature of the charge, they would have to brief counselor Schwartz to conduct Chaim's defence.

On the day of the trial, a jury was selected, and Schwartz, the counselor, said, "Finkelstein, is there a Jew on the jury?"

"No." replied Finkelstein.

"Then we gotta object" said Feinstein, and the jury was duly thrown out.

This process was repeated another three times, and when Schwartz asked, "Finkelstein, is there a Jew on the jury?" Finkelstein replied, "Yes, Schwartz. Abe Guttman is there."

That night they went to see Abe Guttman, to whom Finkelstein said, "Abe, you know it is a very serious charge against Chaim. He could go to prison for life or even be sentenced to death. Now Schwartz and I have a proposal to make to you. If you can get us a verdict of manslaughter, we will pay you $5000."

At the conclusion of the trial, the jury deliberated for hours, and when they eventually returned, the judge asked whether they had reached a verdict. The foreman replied, "Yes, your Honour: not guilty of murder, but guilty of manslaughter."

An appeal was immediately lodged and Chaim was out on bail. That night they had a huge celebration at Finkelstein's house. Suddenly there was a knock on the door, and when Finkelstein opened, there was Abe.

"Come in Abe, and join the party. We are celebrating."

"No, Finkelstein, wait a minute. First I want another $5000," replied Abe.

"Another $5000? What you want another $5000 for? We paid you $5000, and we got the verdict. What more do you want?" protested Finkelstein.

"Finkelstein, not once did I have to fight for that verdict. Not twice did I have to fight for that verdict. Three times I had to fight for that verdict!"

"Why, how did that happen?"

"All these Christians on the jury, they kept shouting, 'Acquittal! Acquittal! Acquittal!'"[
 

A CHINATOWN QUANDRY!

A guy is walking through Chinatown in New York. He is fascinated by allthe Chinese restaurants, the shops, the signs and banners on all the buildings. He is having the greatest time just walking and looking around.

He turns a corner and sees a building with a sign that says, "Hans
Olafsen's Laundry."

"Hans Olafsen?" he thinks. "How in the world does that fit in here?"

So, he walks into the shop and sees an old Chinese gentleman sitting in
the corner. The visitor asks, "How in the world did this place get a name
like Hans Olafsen's Laundry?"

The old man says, "Is name of owner."

The visitor asks, "Who is the owner?"

"I am he," answers the old man.

"You? How did you get a name like Hans Olafsen?"

The old man replies: "Many years ago, when come to this country, I
standing in line at immigration office. Man in front was big Swede. Lady look at him and say 'What your name?' and he say 'Hans Olafsen.' Next, she look at me -- 'What your name?' I say 'Saim Ting.'"
 

I am a native of West Virginia, and there is a very small town called
"Big Ugly". I have no idea why it was named that, but you know, it's probably a redneck thing.

There was a woman from Big Ugly who entered a beauty pageant, and won. The head line in the local paper read, "Big Ugly Woman Wins Beauty Pageant".

I thought I would share that one with you.

Redneck Remakes

1."Gone with the Wind" by Ihad Gas

2."Mission Impossible" by Ima Constipated

3."Dances with Wolves" by I.M.Hairy

4."Bonanza" by Igot Diarhea

5."Rain Dance" by I. Hadapee

6."Cats" by Icky Hairball

7."Lost in Space" by Iam Blonde

8."Lost in Time" by Iam Blonde

9."The Lone Ranger" by B.O. Stinks

10."Shark Attack" by I.M. Screwed

11."Operation Dumbo Drop" by Whan Bigpile

 

A Polak went to a carpenter and said, "Can you build me a box that is two inches high, two inches wide, and fifty feet long?"

"Hmm..." mused the carpenter. "It could be done, I suppose,but what would you want a box like that for?"

"Well, you see," said the Polak, "my neighbor moved away and forgot some things, so he asked me to send him his garden hose."
 

A Polak wanted to learn how to sky dive. He got an instructor and started lessons. The instructor told the Polak to jump out of the plane and pull his rip cord. The instructor then explained that he himself would jump out right behind him so that they would go down together. The Polak understood and was ready.

The time came to have the Polak jump from the air plane. The instructor reminded the Polak that he would be right behind him. The Polak proceeded to jump from the plane and after being in the air for a few seconds pulled the rip cord.

The instructor followed by jumping from the plane. The instructor pulled his rip cord but the parachute did not open. The instructor, frantically trying to get his parachute open, darted past the Polak.

The Polak seeing this yelled, as he undid the straps to his parachute, "So you wanna race, eh?"
 

Rated PG THE REDNECK TEST

1) Which of the following foods should be fried?

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Old Graveyard

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Finding a Chinese Jew

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Native American hears

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Ebonics math test

MATH PROFICIENCY EXAM

THE CITY OF LOS ANGELES HIGH SCHOOL MATH PROFICIENCY EXAM

NAME____________________

GANG NAME ___________________

TAG____________________

HOOD____________________

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Subject: Martha Stewart's Rules for Rednecks

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Southern Definitions, by Stumpy

Rated PG popo

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You might be a reneck if...

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You might be a redneck if...

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The Chinese Wedding

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You might be a redneck if...

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Redneck Fisherman's Love Poem For Valentine

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You might be a redneck if...

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You might be a redneck if...

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You might be a redneck if...

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You might be a redneck if...

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You might be a redneck if...

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Redneck been here?

Ways to tell if a redneck has been working on a computer

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Telephone Call:

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Jewish Marriage advice

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You might be a redneck if...

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You might be a redneck if...

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How To Tell If You're A HIGH-TECH REDNECK!

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Abie and Moishe had a religious goods store on Delancey Street on
the Lower East Side of NYC.

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JEWISH PERSONALS

SWJM seeking SWJF:

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The Ten Commandments in Cajun...

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Why rednecks are better than flower children

Rated G Alex Bern

You know you grew up Jewish when:

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Rated PG Alex

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Two reasons why it is so hard to solve a redneck murder:

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Louisiana Cajun Language

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Boat Sale

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Redneck Etiquette

Redneck Etiquette for driving:

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Rated X Michele

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Two Arabs are chatting.

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Rated G Italian Mother

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You might be a redneck if....

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Bubba's personals ad

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Redneck Family Values

Rated G Hank in Simi Valley

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Jewish Marriage advice...

Rated G Michele

You might be a Redneck if...

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Eye-Talian

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Italian Honeymoon

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Rated G Hispanic Wedding

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Redneck Valentines

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15 Ways To Avoid A Southern Ass Whuppin


Issued by the Southern Tourism Bureau to ALL visiting Northerners And Northeastern Urbanites:

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REDNECK RULES FOR CALLING SHOTGUN

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YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF... (2004 Version)

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Question:

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You're An EXTREME Redneck When.....

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Things you will never hear a Southerner say:

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New Jewish Words:

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"You know you're a redneck when.."

Rated G Tony in Lyme, CT

FINALLY SOMEONE CLEARED THIS UP!

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Never Choke, in a restaurant, in the South.

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Did you hear about the Redneck who:

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We have enjoyed the redneck jokes for years.It's time to take a reflective look at the core beliefs of a culture that values home, family,country and God. If I had to stand before a dozen terrorists who threaten my life,I'd choose a half dozen or so rednecks to back me up.Tire irons, squirrel guns and grit -- that's what rednecks are made of.I hope I am one of those.If you feel the same,pass this on to your redneck friends.Ya`ll know who ya are...

You might be a redneck if. . .

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Rated G Faye in Kingston,Ont.Ca

Who you calli'n colored

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GOOD ITALIAN ADVICE

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How To Speak Southern ( Hah Tu Spek Suthun)

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Southern Expressions

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You Might Be A Redneck If:

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Rated PG : Ross in Pitsburgh

Too good not to pass on.

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Improving the System

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A old Jewish man on his deathbed whispered, "Sarah, Sarah, where are you, my dear wife?"

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Two good ole boys

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Redneck Haikus

BEAUTY