What is God?

Once there was a little boy. He was curious about God so he went and asked his mother. "Mommy, is God a man or a woman?" His mother replied, "God is both a man and a woman."

"Mommy, is God black or white?" His mother replied, "God is both black and white."

Mommy, is God gay or straight?" His mother was somewhat shocked at his question, but she answered anyway, "God is both gay and straight."

The little boy nodded with understanding. "Mommy, is God Michael Jackson?"
 

Pennies from Heaven

Little Jimmy was lying on a hillock in the middle of a meadow on a warm spring day. Puffy white clouds rolled by and he pondered their shape. Soon, he began to think about God.

"God? Are you really there?" Jimmy said out loud.

To his astonishment a voice came from the clouds.

"Yes, Jimmy? What can I do for you?"

Seizing the opportunity, Jimmy asked, "God? What is a million years like to you?"

Knowing that Jimmy could not understand the concept of infinity, God responded in a manner to which Jimmy could relate, "A million years to me, Jimmy, is like a minute."

"Oh," said Jimmy. "Well, then, what's a million dollars like to you?"

"A million dollars to me, Jimmy, is like a penny."

"Wow!" remarked Jimmy, getting an idea. "You're so generous, can I have one of your pennies?"

God replied, "Sure thing, Jimmy! Just a minute."
 

This little gem was given to me by a good friend who happened to be a U.S.A.F. Chaplain!

THE NEW PRIEST

The new Priest was so nervous at his first mass he could hardly speak. Before his second appearance in the pulpit, he asked the Monsignor how he could relax. The Monsignor said, "Next Sunday it may help if you put some vodka in the water pitcher: after a few sips, everything should go smoothly." So, next Sunday the new Priest put the suggestion into practice and was able to talk up a storm! He felt great! However, upon returning to the rectory, he found a note from the Monsignor with the following suggestions:

1: next time sip rather than gulp
2: there are Ten Commandments, not twelve
3: there are Twelve Disciples, not ten
4: we do not refer to the Cross as the "BIG-T"
5: the recommended Grace before a meal is not "rub-a-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yeah GOD!"
6: do not refer to our Saviour, Jesus Christ and his Apostles as "J.C. and the Boys!"
7: David slew Goliath, he did not "kick the shit out of him!"
8: the Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost are never referred to as "Big Daddy, Junior and the Spook!"
9: It is always the Virgin Mary, never "Mary with the Cherry!"
10: last, but certainly not least, next Wednesday there will be a "taffy-pulling contest at St. Peters," not a "Peter-Pulling contest at St. Taffy's."!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1
 

So the Zen master steps up to the hot dog cart and says, "Make me one with everything."

The hot dog vendor fixes a hot dog and hands it to the Zenmaster, who pays with a $20 bill.

The hot dog vendor puts the bill in the cash drawer and closes the drawer.

"Where's my change?" asks the Zen master. The hot dog vendor responds, "Change must come from within."   
 

There was a guy named Jimmy, and his town was being drowned by a flood.

When the water was around his ankles, a fire truck came by saying, "Yo, Jimmy, need a lift?"

"No, no, I'm fine God will save me." The fire truck left.

As the water reached his ribs a coast guard came by saying,"Jimmy! Need a lift?" "No! God will save me!"

The coast guard went away.

When the water had reached Jimmy's head, a helicopter flew overhead. The driver shouted, "Jimmy! C'mon, I'll take u to safety!"

"That's all right! God is bound to save me now!"

The helicopter flew away.

Jimmy died.

When he went to heaven, Jimmy asked God, "God, why didn't you save me?"

God answers, "I sent you a fire truck, a coast guard, and a helicopter, what more do you want?!"
 

A minister, a priest, and a rabbi went for a hike one day.

It was very hot. They were sweating and exhausted when they came upon a small lake.

Since it was fairly secluded, they took off all their clothes and jumped in the water.

Feeling refreshed, the trio decided to pick a few berries while enjoying their "freedom."

As they were crossing an open area, who should come along but a group of ladies from town.

Unable to get their clothes in time, the minister and the priest covered their privates and the rabbi covered his face while they ran for cover.

After the ladies had left and the men got their clothes back on,the minister and the priest asked the rabbi why he covered his face rather than his privates.

The rabbi replied, "I don't know about you, but in MY congregation, it's my face they would recognize!"
 

With all due respect to our American families but, as Canadians what can we
say !! This was received from a Canadian Cousin.

An American decided to write a book about famous churches around the world. For his first chapter he decided to write about American churches. So he bought a plane ticket and took a trip to Orlando, thinking that he would work his way across the country from South to North.

On his first day he was inside a church taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read "$10,000 per call". The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for. The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 you could talk to God.

The American thanked the priest and went along his way. Next stop was in Atlanta. There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the same golden telephone with the same sign under it. He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in Orlando and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was. She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 he could talk to God. "O.K., thank you," said the American.

He then traveled to Indianapolis, Washington DC, Philadelphia, Boston, New York and Burlington. In every church he saw the same golden telephone with the same "$10,000 per call" sign under it.

The American, upon leaving Vermont saw a sign for Canada and decided to see if Canadians had the same phone. He arrived in Montreal, and again, there was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read "10  cents per call." The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign.
"
Father, I've traveled all over America and I've seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to heaven, but in every state the price was $10,000 per call.

Why is it so cheap here?

The priest smiled and answered, "You're in Canada now son, it's a local call
 

Kids And The Bible

This comes from a Catholic elementary school. Kids were asked questions about the Old and New Testaments. The following statements about the Bible were written by children. They have not been retouched or corrected (i.e., incorrect spelling has been left in.) Enjoy.

In the first book of the bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.

Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark. Noah built an ark, which the animals come on to in pears.

Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.

The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with the unsympathetic Genitals.

Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.

Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles.

Moses led the hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients.

The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten ammendments.

The first commandment was when Eve told adam to eat the apple.

The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.

Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.

The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.

David was a hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.

Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.

When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they found Jesus in the manager.

Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.

St. John the blacksmith dumped water on his head.

Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you. He also explained, "a man doth not live by sweat alone." It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.

The people who followed the lord were called the 12 decibels.

The epistles were the wives of the apostles.

One of the oppossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.

St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.

Christians have only one spouse. This is called monotony.
 

Way down in the deep south, in an area known as the 'Bible Belt,' there lived a Baptist minister with a very large congregation.

One morning,after a particularly moving sermon, he announced, "Friends I have been hearing very nasty rumors!"

The crowd fell into an expectant silence.

The Minister continued, "One of you, here among us, has been reporting that I am a member of the dreaded 'Klu Klux Klan.' This, of course, is not true! I am asking that the guilty party confess and apologize now - right here - before my flock of loyal followers."

Sister Margaret quickly stood up and pleaded, "Preacher, please, I don't know how this all came to be. I just mentioned to one of my close friendst hat you were a wizard under the sheets."   
 

There was a boy standing on a corner selling fish.

He was saying, "Dam fish for sale, dam fish for sale."

A preacher walked up and asked why he was calling them dam fish.

The kid said, "I caught them at the dam, so they're dam fish."

The preacher bought some, took them home and asked his wife to cook the dam fish. His wife looked at him in bewilderment and said, "Preachers aren't supposed to talk like that."

he preacher explained why they were dam fish, and she agreed to cook them.

When dinner was ready and everyone was sitting down, the preacher asked his son to pass him the dam fish.

His son replied, "That's the spirit dad. Pass the fucking potatoes!"   
 

There are three ministers out near a river bank fishing. It's a Baptist preacher, a Methodist preacher, and a Pentacostal preacher. They are silent until the Methodist begins to speak.

Methodist: "Brothers, I have a problem. I don't know who to go to because it's such a serious matter. I'm afraid I'll get kicked out of my church."

Pentacostal: "Brother if you can't talk to us about a problem, then you can't go to anyone. Please, tell us what your problem is."

Methodist: "Well, I have a very serious problem with lust. I'm up behind the pulpit and I see down at those gorgeous women and I lust after them. I have unpure, unclean thoughts about them all the time. I even have a mistress that I see three times a week. She is Dr. Smith's wife. We meet at the motel in the next town. I don't know what to do!"

Pentacostal: "Oh brother, I know what you are talking about, I have a problem with greed. Every chance that I get, I take money from the offerings at my church. I confiscate the tithes and put them in my bank account. I don't know what to do about that either...Brothers, pray for me."

Methodist: "Brother, we will pray for you. If you ever need anyone to talk to you can come to us. Isn't that right Brother?

(Baptist)The Baptist quietly got in a boat and began rowing with urgency. Pentacostal and Methodist preachers ask the Baptist, "Brother? Where areyou going? Baptist: "Brothers, I have a very serious problem too! My problem is gossip. I can't keep a thing to myself for more than 5 minutes!"
 

Walking home with a hangover one Sunday morning, a man discovered he'd lost his hat.

He decided the easiest way to replace it was to go to church and steal one from the cloakroom.

Once inside, he heard a sermon on the Ten Commandments. After the sermon, he said to the minister, "I want you to know that you saved me from crime. I came here to steal a hat, but after hearing you, I decided not to."

"Wonderful," said the minister. "What did I say that changed your mind?"

"Well," said the man, "when you got to the part about committing adultery, I remembered where I left my hat."
 

A little boy was afraid of the dark. One night his mother told him to go out to the back porch and bring her the broom.

The little boy turned to his mother and said, "Mama, I don't want to go out there. It's dark."

The mother smiled reassuringly at her son. "You don't have to be afraid ofthe dark," she explained. "Jesus is out there. He'll look after you and protect you." T

he little boy looked at his mother real hard and asked,"Are you sure he's out there?" "Yes, I'm sure. He is everywhere, and he is always ready to help you when you need him," she said.

The little boy thought about that for a minute and then went to the back door and cracked it a little. Peering out into the darkness, he called, "Jesus?

If you're out there, would you please hand me the broom?
 

An office supervisor died and found himself in hell (bigsurprise).

The devil informs him that he will spend eternity in one of three rooms, each of which he may preview and then choose his favorite.

Satan opens a door and the dead supervisor sees a vast plain of concrete covered in glass shards, with untold millions of souls moaning in agony as they stand on thier heads.

With a gulp he asks to see the next choice.

The second door opens to reveal another vast horizon of torn-up wood filled with nails and screws, and millions of souls condemned to stand on thier heads, so he asks to see the third room.

Much to his surprise, the room is filled with millions of people standing waist deep in shit, but smoking cigarettes and drinking coffee. "This is not too bad," says the man, "even standing in shit I can stand an eternity smoking cigarettes and drinking coffee."

So he nonchalantly enters and takes his place among the damned.Suddenly, halfway through his first smoke, Satan enters and yells: "Alright, you maggots! Coffee break's over--back on your heads!"
 

Two Rabbis and a priest go fishing.

When the three are out on the water,one Rabbi says, "Oops, I left the cooler in the trunk, I'd better go get it or we won't be able to eat or drink."

The rabbi proceeds to jump out of the boat and hop across the water. A few minutes later, he comes hopping back across the lake with the cooler.

The priest sees this and shakes his head in disbelief. He thinks to himself "Theres only one person I know who can do that and I doubt he's a Rabbi."

A couple of minutes later, the other Rabbi says, "Oh no, I left my lucky fishing hat in the car. Nobody ever catches a fish unless I have that hat on." He then proceeds to get out of the boat and hop across the water to the shore. A minute later he comes hopping across the lake back into the boat.

Now the priest is in absolute disbelief. He thinks, "Hmm, there must be something in the water. I'm going to try this."The priest says, "Uh-oh, I left my keys in the car. Wouldn't want to lose those." He then steps out of the boat and falls in the water. He gets out again and once again goes *splash*.

The two rabbis look at each other and one of them says, "Do you think we should tell him where the stepping stones are?"

There once was this boy and he always got into trouble.

One day he and his mother were shopping and he saw this bicycle that hef ell in love with.

He asked his mother if she would buy it for him and she said that if he became a good boy that she would.

The boy then goes home and writes a letter to Jesus saying: Dear Jesus, I really want this bicycle. If you let me have the bicycle I will be a good boy for a whole year. The boy then folds the letter and puts it in his pocket.

He goes outside for a walk and finds his dad taking in the groceries. All of a sudden, his dad trips on the roller skate he was supposed to put away. His dad starts to yell at him and the boy goes back inside and crosses out the letter.

He rewrites it saying: Dear Jesus, if you let me have the bicycle that I really want, I will be good for one month.

Then he walks into his sisters room and starts to doodle on some note paper. When his sister comes home, she begins to yell at him saying that the notepaper he was writing on was her report that was due the next day.

He tries to apologize but she wouldn't listen.

He goes goes into the kichen and rewrites the letter this time saying: Dear Jesus, if I can have that bicycle I will be a good boy for a day.

Right when he finishes the letter, his mother screams from the other end of the house saying that he forgot to clean his room.He had been too preoccupied with trying to be good that he had forgotten.He has lost hope.

He tip-toes into his mother's room and carefully takes the statue of the Holy Mary off her drawer. He wraps it in a towel and gently takes it into his room. He places it in his bottom drawer and takes out the letter and rewrites it for the last time saying: Dear Jesus, if you ever want to see your mother again...............
 

The teacher said, "I'll give $2 to the child who can tell me who was the most famous man who ever lived."

An Irish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St. Patrick." The teacher said, "Sorry Sean, that's not correct."

Then a French boy put his hand up and said, "It was Napoleon." The teacher replied, "I'm sorry, Pierre, that's not right either."

Finally, a Jewish boy raised his hand and said, "It was Jesus Christ." The teacher said, "That's absolutely right, Daniel, come up here and I'll give you the $2."

As the teacher was giving Daniel his money, she said, "You know Daniel, you being Jewish, I was very surprised you said Jesus Christ." Daniel replied, "Yeah. In my heart I knew it was Moses, but business is business."
 

Two missionaries in Africa get apprehended by a tribe of very hostile cannibals who put them in a large pot of water, build a huge fire under it, and leave them there.

A few minutes later, one of the missionaries starts to laugh uncontrollably.

The
other missionary can't believe it! He says, "What's wrong with you? We're being boiled alive! They're gonna eat us! What could possibly be funny at a time like this?"

The other missionary says, "I just peed in the soup."
 

Two lovers interested in spiritualism and reincarnation vowed that if either died, the one remaining would try to contact the partner in the other world exactly 30 days after their dying.

As luck would have it, a few weeks later the young man died in a car wreck.

True to her word, his sweetheart tried to contact him in the spirit world exactly 30 days later.

At a seance, she called out, "John, dear John; this is Martha. Do you hear me, John?"

A ghostly voice answered her, "Yes, Martha, this is John; I can hear you."

Martha tearfully asked, "Oh, John, what's it like where you are?"

"It's beautiful. There are azure skies, a soft breeze, sunshine most of the time."

"What do you do all day?"

"Well, Martha, we are up before sunrise, eat some good breakfast, then it's nothing but sex until noon. After lunch, we nap until two and then we have sex again until five. After dinner, we go at it again until we fall asleep around 11 p.m."

Martha was somewhat taken aback. "Is that what Heaven really is like?"

"Heaven? I'm not in Heaven, Martha."

"Then, where are you?"

"I'm a jack rabbit in Arizona!"
 

There was a guy walking in the woods one night. As he walked further he fell off the side of a cliff and just as he fell, he reached and grab a tree branch.

He thought for sure he was going to die, but he remember learning as a child: when you're in trouble call on God.

So he called up to Heaven, "Lord are you up there?"

A few seconds go by and not a word from heaven.

The man calls again, "Lord are you up there?" And again the lord did not response.

This time the man made a promise to God, "if you are there I will serve you if you help me."

The Lord responded and said, "my son do you trust me?"

"Yes," replied the man.

The Lord ask him again, "my son do you trust me"?

"Yes I do", replied the man.

God said, "let the branch go."

A few seconds of silence go by, and the man yelled, "is there anybody else up there?
 

One day in the garden of Eden, Adam said, "God, I am lonely." So God said, "Adam, I will create for you a woman." "What's a woman?" asked Adam. "She is a beautiful creature with whom you can love and have a family," God replied. He sent down Eve and told Adam and her to go off and fall in love.

A little while later, Adam came back to God. "God? How do I fall in love with Eve?" he asked. "Spend lots of time with her," said God.

Adam came back the next day and asked, "God? How do I tell Eve I love her?" "Kiss her," replied God. "What's a kiss?" asked Adam. God explained to Adam what a kiss was and the various ways to do it. So Adam went to Eve and kissed her.

A little while later, Adam came back. "God? How do I start a family with Eve? How can I show my love for her more affectionately?" "Have sex with her," was God's response. "What's sex?" asked Adam. God explained everything possible about the birds and bees to Adam and Adam went off.

Not so short after, Adam came back. He looked up and asked, "God? What's a headache?"
 

Jesus saw a crowd chasing down a woman to stone her and approached them. "What's going on here, anyway?" he asked.

"This woman was found committing adultery and the law says we should stone her!" one of the crowd responded.

"Wait," yelled Jesus, "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone."

Suddenly, a stone was thrown from out of the sky, and knocked the woman on the side of her head.

"Aw, c'mon, Dad...," Jesus cried, "I'm trying to make a point here!"
 

One day down by a river, a preacher had just baptized a young lady.

A few minutes later, a drunk, non-religious man walked by the river.

The preacher said to him, "Are you ready to find Jesus?"

The drunk said yes. The preacher got him in the water, dipped him in and then raised him back up.

He said, "Have you found Jesus?" T

The drunk said no.

The preacher again dipped him in and raised him back up.

The preacher said, "Have you found Jesus?"

The drunk again said no.

The preacher dipped him and raised him up for a third time.

He said, "Have you found Jesus?"

The drunk said, "Are you sure he fell in here?"
 

So two friends go to confession. The first goes to the confessional and admits to having sinned (shame--shame, tsk-tsk). When asked what his sin was, he admitted to having an indescretion with a female memember of the congregation. So, the priest asks who his affair was with and throws out a half dozen names, to which the sinner denies all. Fraustrated, the priest gives up and tells the young sinner to make a half dozen hail Marys, hail Graces etc, etc and to sin no more. Well, the now ex-sinner goes back to the pew where his buddy wants to know all. So, he tells his buddy about the hail Marys and hail Graces, etc, etc, and that he got a half dozen good leads!
 

Once there was a Sunday School teacher who taught a 8th grade class.

One day, at the end of a class, he told the students, "Next Sunday I will
teach about the sin of lying.

To help you understand, I want you to read all of Mark 17."

Then he dismissed the class.

The next Sunday, he asked "Okay, before I start my lesson, I want to know who read Mark 17."

Everyone raised their hand.

He replied, "Mark only has 16 chapters. Now I shall continue with my lesson.........."

 

If God lives inside of us, like some Christians say, then I hope he likes enchiladas, because that's what he's getting!

------------------
I hope that after I die, people will say of me: "That guy sure owed me a lot of money!"
 

One Sunday afternoon an older couple was listening to a holy station on the radio. They were about 98 years old and so frail, they couldn't walk to church. The preacher said, ''If you put one hand on the radio and one hand on whatever you want healed I will heal it for you.''

So the old woman put one hand on the radio and one hand on her heart.

The old man tried to not let the old woman see but he put one hand on the radio and one hand on his penis.

The old woman looked over and said, ''He said he could heal, not raise the dead!''
 

TAOISM: Shit happens.

CONFUCIANISM: Confucius say, "Shit happens".

ZEN: (What is the sound of shit happening?)

JESUITISM: If shit happens and when nobody is watching, is it
really shit?

ISLAM: Shit happens if it is the will of Allah.

CATHOLICISM: Shit happens because you are bad.

PSYCHOANALYSIS: Shit happens because of your toilet training.

SCIENTOLOGY: Shit happens if you're on our shit list.

ZOROASTRIANISM: Bad shit happens, and good shit happens.

UNITARIANISM: Maybe shit happens. Let's have coffee and donuts.

RIGHT-WING PROTESTANTISM: Let this shit happen to someone else.

JUDAISM: Why does shit always happen to US?

REFORM JUDAISM: Got any Kaopectate?

MYSTICISM: What weird shit!

AGNOSTICISM: What is this shit?

ATHEISM: I don't believe this shit!

NIHILISM: Who needs this shit?

AZTEC: Cut out this shit!

QUAKER: Let's not fight over this shit.

FORTEANISM: No shit??

12-STEP: I am powerless to cut the shit.

VOODOO: Hey, that shit looks just like you!

NEWAGE: Visualize shit not happening.

DEISM: Shit just happens.

EXISTENTIALISM: Shit doesn't happen; shit is.

SECULAR HUMANISM: Shit evolves.

CHRISTIAN SCIENCE: Shit is in your mind.

BUDDHISM: Shit happens, but pay no mind.

SHINTOISM: Shit is everywhere.

HINDUISM: This shit has happened before.

WICCA: Mix this shit together and make it happen!

HASIDISM: Shit never happens the same way twice.

THEOSOPHY: You don't know half of the shit that happens.

DIANETICS: Your mother gave you shit before your were born.

SEVENTH DAY ADVENTIST: No shit on Saturdays.

JEHOVAH's WITNESSES: No shit happens until Armageddon.

MOONIES: Only happy shit really happens.

HOPI: Corn fertilizer happens.

BAHA'I: It's all the same shit.

STOICISM: This shit is good for me.

OBJECTIVISM: Our shit is good for you.

EST: If my shit bothers you, that's your fault.

REAGANISM: Don't move; the shit will trickle down.

FASCISM: Shit makes the trains run on time.

CARGO CULT: A barge will come and take all the shit away.

EMACS: Hold down Control-Meta-Shit.

DISCORDIANISM: Some funny shit happened to me today.

RASTAFARIANISM: Let's smoke this shit.
 

A missionary who had spent years showing a tribe of natives how to farm and build things to be self-sufficient gets word that he is to return home.

He realizes that the one thing he never taught the natives was how to speak English, so he takes the chief and starts walking in the forest.

He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree."

The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree."

The missionary is pleased with the response.

They walk a little farther and the padre points to a rock and says, "This is a rock."

Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock."

The padre is really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As he peeks over the top, he sees a couple in the midst of heavy romantic activity. The padre is really flustered and quickly responds, "Riding a bike."

The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blow gun and kills them.

The padre goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and kind to each other, so how could he just kill these people in cold blood that way?

The chief replied, "My bike."
 

Rated G

A young man concludes that the religious life is for him.Accordingly he joins an order with a strict vow of silence. There is one exception to the rule however. Every ten years each monk is allowed to speak three words but the alloted words maybe spoken only to the abbot.

Ten years pass. Our friend dutifully enters the abbot's cell and speaks his three words. He says, "Bed is hard."

Ten more years pass. He again enters the cell of the abbot and says, "Food is tasteless."

His time to speak his three words comes round again after ten more years. He enters the Superior's cell and says, "I am leaving."

Indignantly the abbot replies, "Well I'm not surprised. You've been here thirty years and all you've done is complain."
 

What do you get when you cross Holy Water with castor oil?

A religious movement!
 

The preacher, in his Sunday sermon, used "Forgive Your Enemies" as his subject.

After a long sermon, he asked how many were willing to forgive their enemies. About half held up their hands. Not satisfied he harangued
the congregation for another twenty minutes and repeated his question.

This received a response of eighty percent. Still unsatisfied, he lectured for fifteen more minutes and repeated his question. With thoughts of Sundaydinner, all responded except one old gentleman in the rear.

"Mr. Jones, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"

"I don't have any."

"Mr. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?"

"Eighty-six."

"Mr. Jones, please come down in front and tell the congregation how a man can live to be eighty-six and not have an enemy in the world."

The old man teetered down the aisle and slowly turned around.

"It's easy. I just outlived the sons of bitches."
 

A Jewish prayer--

Oh God! Why don't you choose someone else for a change?
 

A man longs to wed a maiden with her virtue intact.

He searches for one but resigns himself to the fact that every female over the age of 10 in his town has been at it.

Finally he decides to take matters in hand and adopts a baby girl from the orphanage.

He raises her until she is walking and talking and then sends her away to a monastery for safekeeping until marrying age. After many years she finally reaches maturity and he retrieves her from the monastery and marries her.

After the wedding they make their way back to his house and into the bedroom where they both prepare themselves for the consumation. They lie down together in his bed and he reaches over for a jar of petroleum jelly.

"Why the jelly," she asks him???

"So I do not hurt your most delicate parts during the act of lovemaking," he replies.

"Well why don't you just spit on your cock like the monks do????"
 

A plane full of retirees headed for Florida was gripped with fear when the pilot announced, "Two of our engines are on fire; we are flying through a heavy fog and it has eliminated all our visibility."

The passengers were numb with fear, except for one...a retired minister.

"Now, now, keep calm," he said. "Let's all bow our heads and pray."

Immediately the group bowed their heads to pray...except one man.

"Why aren't you bowing your head to pray?" the minister asked. "

I don't know how to pray," replied the passenger. "Well, just do something religious!" instructed the minister.

The man got up and passed his hat down the aisle, taking an offering.
 

Three little boys were concerned because they couldn't get anyone  to play with them so they decided it was because they had not been baptized and didn't go to Sunday School.

So they went to the nearest  church.

Only the custodian was there,  One said, "We need to be  baptized because no one will come out and play with us. Will you baptize us?"

So he took them into the bathroom and dunked their heads in the toilet bowl one at a time.

He said, "Now go out and  play." When they got outside, dripping wet, the
oldest one asked, "What religion do you think we are ?  

We're not Katlick because they  pour water." "We're not Babdist because they dunk all of you." "We're not Methdiss because they just sprinkle you."

The littlest one said, "Can't you tell by the smell of that  baptism water what we are? . . . Why, we're Pisscopalians
 

Three good points that Jesus was Mexican:

1. His first name was Jesus.

2. He was bilingual.

3. He was always being harassed by the authorities.

But there were equally good arguments that Jesus was black:

1. He called everybody "brother."

2. He liked Gospel.

3. He couldn't get a fair trial.

But there were equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:

1. He went into His Father's business.

2. He lived at home until he was 33.

3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his Mother was sure he was God.

But then there were equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:

1. He talked with his hands.

2. He had wine with every meal.

3. He used olive oil.

But then there were equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian:

1. He never cut his hair.

2. He walked around barefoot.

3. He started his own Religion.

But then there were equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish

1. He never got married.

2. He was always telling stories.

3. He loved green pastures.

But perhaps the most compelling evidence is that Jesus was a woman:

1. He had to feed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was no food.

2. He kept trying to get the message across to a bunch of men who JUST DIDN'T GET IT.

3. Even when He was dead, He had to get up because there was more work for him to do.
 

Before the services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking about their lives & their families.

Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.

Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon everyone was evacuated from the Church, except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not moving and seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.

Now this confused Satan a bit, so he walked up to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"

The man replied, "Yep, sure do."

Satan asked, "Aren't you afraid of me?"

"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.

Satan was a little perturbed at this response and queried, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"

The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years.
 

God is tired of man thinking more highly of himself than he ought to, and he's especially upset now that man is messing with DNA and cloning. So he comes down to earth just as there's a Scientist's Convention going on.

After the last speaker speaks, God walks up to the podium and introduces himself - "Hello, I am God. Yes, I am real, and I am sick of you all trying to play Me. I am the Creator and you need to stay out of my business."

One of the scientists stands up and says, "Well, I tell you what, God. Let's go outside, and if I can make a man, you leave us alone. If I can't, we'll stop."

God agrees and they go outside. God spits in the dirt and starts molding a man out of the mud. The scientist also bends down and takes a handful of dirt.

"Wait!" God says, "Get your own dirt!"
 

Two church members were going door to door, and knocked on the door of a woman who was not happy to see them.

She told them in no uncertain terms that she did not want to hear their message and slammed the door in their faces.

To her surprise, however, the door did not close and, in fact, bounced back open.

She tried slamming the door again, really put her back into it, but with the same result - the door bounced back open.

Convinced these rude young people were sticking their foot in the door, she reared back to give it a slam that would teach them a lesson, when one of them said, "Ma'am, before you do that again you need to move your cat."
 

The Old couple regularly attended church.

The pastor was much impressed by how harmonious and how in love they seemed. They always held hands all through the service.

One day after church, the pastor couldn't resist going up to them to express his admiration. He said, "I find it so inspirational to see how deeply in love you are, even, after all these years, holding hands like that."

The old woman looked up sharply and said, "It's not love, Pastor, I'm just keeping him from cracking his knuckles."
 

There was a Rabbi whose wife was expecting a baby.

The Rabbi went to the congregation and asked for a raise.

After much consideration and discussion, they passed a rule that when the Rabbi's family expanded, so would his paycheck.

After five or six children, this started to get expensive.

The congregation decided to hold a meeting again to discuss the Rabbi's pay situation. As you can imagine there was much yelling and bickering.

Finally, the Rabbi got up and spoke to the crowd. "Having children is an act of God!"

In the back of the room, a little old man with a full beard stood up and in his frail voice said, "Point of information - snow and rain are also 'acts of God', but we wear rubbers!"
 

My wife invited some people to dinner.

At the table, she turned to our six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?"

I wouldn't know what to say," she replied.

"Just say what you hear Mommy say," my wife said.

Our daughter bowed her head and said: "Dear Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"
 

A father was reading Bible stories to his young son. 

He read, "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city, but his wife looked back and was turned to salt."

His son asked, "What happened to the flea?"
 

WORD ASSOCIATION

The preacher said that, for a change, he would call out a word and anyone who could think of a hymn that involved that word, just start singing and we will all join in.

He called out WOOD...

In just a second 10 people started singing The "Old Rugged Cross."

He called out LOVE...
 
and a little 6 year old started singing "Jesus Loves me."

He then called out SEX... 
Not a sound...

Again he called out SEX...

A little old lady in the back row suddenly stood up and started singing, "Precious Memories".
 

The Top 9 New Religions for the 21st Century

9   "Our Lady of the Anatomical Enhancements"
       (The Cult of Saint Pamela)

8  X-TREME RELIGION!!!

7  Joe-piscopal

6  Star Trek - The Next Denomination

5  Leonardo DiCatholic

4  Church of the Everlasting Independent Counsel

3  Harry Caray-Ishna

2  Crystal Methodist

1  Hey Judaism
 

Not too long ago a large seminar was held for ministers in training.

Among the speakers were many well known motivational speakers.

One such boldly approached the pulpit and, gathering the entire crowd's attention, began to speak:

"The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman that wasn't my wife!". The crowd was shocked! He followed up by saying, "And that woman was my mother!"

The crowd burst into laughter and he gave his speech which, went over well.

About a week later one of the ministers who had attended the seminar decided to use that joke in his sermon.

As he shyly approached the pulpit one sunny Sunday, he tried to rehearse the joke in his head. It seemed a bit foggy to him this morning. Getting to the microphone he said loudly: "The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of another woman that was not my wife!"

His congregation sat shocked. After standing there for almost 10 seconds trying to recall the second half of the joke, the pastor finally blurted out "...and I can't remember who she was!"

 

One Sunday a cowboy went to church.

When he entered, he saw that he and the preacher were the only ones present.

So the preacher asked the cowboy if he wanted him to go ahead and preach. 

The cowboy said, "I'm not too smart, but if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up, I'd feed him." 

So the minister began his sermon. 

One hour passed, then two hours, then two-and-a-half hours.

The preacher finally finished and came down to ask the cowboy how he liked the sermon. 

The cowboy then answered slowly, "Well, I'm not very smart, but if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up,

I sure wouldn't feed him all the hay."
 

This lady surprised a burglar in her kitchen.

He was all loaded down with the things he was going to steal.

She had no weapon and was all alone.

The only thing that she could think to do was quote scripture. So, she holds up a hand and says: "ACTS 2:38!!!" 

The burglar quakes in fear and then freezes to the point that she is able to get to the phone and call 911 for the cops.
When the cops arrive, the burglar is still frozen in place.

They are very much surprised that a woman alone with no weapon could do this. One of them asked the lady: 

"How did you do this?" 

The woman replied: "I quoted scripture." 

The cop turned the burglar: "What was it about the scripture that had such an effect on you?" 

The burglar replied:"Scripture! What damn scripture? I thought she said she had an axe and two 38's!
 

What did Adam say to Eve when he got his first erection?

Stand back I don't know how big this thing is going to get.
 

Adam and Eve had just eaten the Forbidden Fruit!

Adam looked at Eve, Eve looked at Adam, In the blink of an eye they were at it like rabbits!

Afterwards Adam laid back and started to snooze (it's biological girls, honest!). Eve, feeling hot and bothered, went down to the ocean for a refreshing bath.After a while God apeared to Adam, "Hi Adam what's new?" Adam said, "You crafty old goat! No wonder you didn't want us eating that fruit, boy what a time!"

Of course God was shocked and annoyed, "You've eaten the fruit and had you way with Eve haven't you? Where is she now?" Adam replied, "Chill out God, she's just gone for a swim in the ocean." God screamed, "Get her out of there, I don't want my fish smelling like that!"
 

Some ponderments...

Ever wonder about the people that spend $2.00 each for the little bottles of Evian water? Evian spelled backwards----naive.

Isn't a smoking section in a restaurant like a peeing section in a swimming pool??

If 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhoea----does that mean that one enjoys it??

If the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags" and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers
are known as the "Bucs", what does that make the Tennessee Titans??

There are three religious truths:

1) Jews do not recognize Jesus as the messiah.
2) Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.
3) Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at Hooters!!!

Never take life seriously----nobody gets out alive anyway!!
 

A tax official has come to a rural synagogue for an inspection.

The rabbi is accompanying him.

"So rabbi tell me, please, after you have distributed all your unleavened bread, what do you do with the crumbs?"

"Why, we gather them carefully and send them to the city and then they make bread of them again and send it back to us."

"Ah. So what about candles after they are burnt? What do you do with the drippings?"

"We send them to the city as well, and they make new candles from them and send them to us."

"And what about circumcision? What do you do with those left over pieces?"

Wearily, the rabbi replies, "We send them to the city as well."

"To the city!? And what do they send to you?"

"Today they have sent you to us."   
 

The priest said, "Today's sermon is called 'Liars'.

I will get to that in a moment, but first I have a question.

How many of you have read Chapter 66 in Matthew?"

Nearly every hand went up."

You're just the group I need to speak to," the priest said.

"There's no such chapter."
 

A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, and looked at the old pages as he turned them.

Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible,and he picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that had been pressed in between the pages.

"Momma, look what I found," the boy called out.

"What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked.

With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered:"I think it's Adam's suit!"
 

Damn Disney and there Satanic ways per the Southern Babist Convention Capitol Steps style.....

Ya, I've been to the Mountain....Splash Mountain! And ya, who hasn't heard of that woman who dares to call herself Snow White....who's consortin' with not one, but seven...count 'em....SEVEN!!!!!!!!!!! So let me ask ya, just who is high, and just who is the HO????!!!!!
 

When Abraham Liebowitz gets to school he discovers that he is the only Jewish kid in the class. But it's a decent town and nobody really bothers him.

One day the teacher asks the class "Who was the greatest person who ever lived?
and why?" And to make it interesting she held a wenty dollar bill in the air and said "whoever gives the best answer will get this twenty dollars".

All of the kids called out their guesses. One said "George Washington - because he was the father of our country."

"That's excellent" said the teacher.

Another said "Abraham Lincoln - because he freed the slaves."

"That's also good" said the teacher, reluctant to bestow an excellent, but still being polite.

One little girl said "Joan of Arc - because she saved France." Another excellent choice said the teacher.

Then Abraham Liebowitz, raised his hand.

So the teacher called on him. "Abraham, who do you think was the greatest person who ever lived, and why?"

Abraham said "Jesus Christ." The teacher was shocked.

"Abraham," she said "I'm very surprised. Class, I think we can all agree that Abraham should get the twenty dollars."

She handed Abraham Liebowitz the money. At recess, the teacher was still very impressed. So she asked Abraham why he said Jesus.

Abraham said "Look, personally I think Moses was the greatest person who ever lived, but... business is business!"   
 

A priest and a rabbi operated a church and a synagogue across the street from each other.

Since their schedules intertwined, they decided to go in together to buy a car.

After the purchase, they drove it home and parked in on the street between their establishments.

A few minutes later, the rabbi looked out and saw the priest sprinkling water on their new car.

It didn't need a wash, so he ran out and asked the priest what he was doing.

"I'm blessing it," the priest replied.

The rabbi considered this a moment, then said, "Oh," and ran back inside the synagogue.

He reappeared a moment later with a hacksaw, ran to the back of the car and cut off the last two inches of the tailpipe.

The pastor's church is called "Almighty God Tabernacle." On a Saturday night several weeks ago, this pastor was working late, and decided to call his wife before he left for home. It was about 10:00 PM, but his wife didn't answer the phone.

The pastor let it ring many times. He thought it was odd that she didn't answer, but decided to wrap up a few things and try again in a few minutes.

When he tried again she answered right away. He asked her why she hadn't answered before, and she said that it hadn't rung at their house. They brushed it off as a fluke and went on their merry way.

The following Monday, the pastor received a call at the church office, which was the phone that he'd used that Saturday night. The man that he spoke with wanted to know why he'd called on Saturday night. The pastor couldn't figure out what the guy was talking about. Then the guy said, "It rang and rang, but I didn't answer.." The pastor remembered the mishap and apologized for disturbing him, explaining that he'd intended to call his wife.

The man said, "That's OK. Let me tell you my story. You see, I was planning to commit suicide on Saturday night, but before I did, I prayed, 'God if you're there, and you don't want me to do this, give me a sign now.' At that point my phone started to ring. I looked at the caller ID, and it said, 'Almighty God'. I was afraid to answer!"
 

One sunday in church, a teacher asked her sunday school class "Ok kids what is the commandment for your Mom's and Dad's?"

One girl raised her hand and said "Thou shall honor your Mother and
Father."

Then the teacher asked "What is the commandment for your brothers and sisters?"

Then one boy shot up and stated "Thou shalt not kill."
 

A reverend was walking in a big city park, when he saw a perfect scene: a blonde-haired blue-eyed little girl playing with her golden retriever.
"Hello, little girl," he said. "What's your name?''

"My name is Blossom. My mommy was sitting under this very tree when she was pregnant with me, when an apple blossom fell on her tummy. She said that it was a sign from God, and if it was a girl, she would name her Blossom.''

''That's a really sweet story,'' the reverend replied. "What's your dog's name?''

"Porky."

"That's an unusual name for a dog. Why is he called that?"

"He fucks pigs."
 

The Senility Prayer

God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anywayThe good fortune to run into the ones that I do, And - the eyesight to tell the difference.

Now that I'm older, here's what I've discovered . . .

ONE
I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

TWO
My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran.

THREE
I finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart.

FOUR
Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...

FIVE
All reports are in; life is now officially unfair.



SIX
If all is not lost, where is it?

SEVEN
It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.

EIGHT
I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few...

NINE
It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

TEN
Only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom.



ELEVEN
If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.

TWELVE
When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone decide to play chess?

THIRTEEN
It's not hard to meet expenses...they're everywhere.

FOURTEEN
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

FIFTEEN
These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter...I go somewhere to get something and then wonder what I'm here after.



"Laugh for the Day!"
Keep Smiling!!
 

The Painter

There was a tradesman, a painter called Jock, who was very  interested in making a penny where he could, so he often would thin down  paint to make it go a wee bit further.

As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but  eventually the local Baptist Church needed some painting done on one of  their  biggest buildings. Jock put in a bid, and because his price was so low, he  got the job.

And so he set to erecting the trestles and setting up the planks, and buying the paint and, yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with turpentine.

Well, Jock was up on the scaffolding, painting away with the job nearly completed when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder. The sky opened, and the rain poured down washing the thinned paint from the church.

Jock was knocked off the scaffold onto the lawn and fell among the gravestones, surrounded by tell tale puddles of the thinned and useless paint.

Jock was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he got on his knees and cried: "Oh, God! Forgive me! What should I do?"

And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke...
.
..
...
....
.....
......
.......
........
(you're going to love this)
.
..
...
....
.....
......
.......
........
"Repaint! Repaint! and thin no more!"

Subject: Heavenly Voice Mail

Be grateful God doesn't have voice mail..... Imagine praying andhearing the following:
Thank you for calling Heaven. Please select one of the following options:

Press 1 for Requests.

Press 2 for Thanksgiving.

Press 3 for Complaints.

Press 4 for all other inquiries

I am sorry, all our angels and saints are busy helping other sinners right now. However, your prayer is important to us and we will answer it in the order it was received. Please stay on the line.

If you would like to speak to God, press 1. For Jesus, press 2. For the Holy Spirit, press 3. If you would like to hear King Solomon sing a Psalm while you are
holding, press 4. To find a loved one that has been assigned to Heaven, press 5,then enter his or her social security number, followed by the pound sign. (If you get a negative response, please hang up and try area code 666.

For reservations at Heaven, please enter J-O-H-N 3-1-6

For answers to nagging questions about dinosaurs, the age of the earth, life on other planets, and where Noah's Ark is, please wait until you arrive.

Our computers show that you have already prayed once today. Please hang up and try again tomorrow.

This office is now closed for the weekend in observance of the religious holiday.

Please pray again on Monday after 9:30 am. If you are calling after hours and need emergency assistance, please contact your local pastor.
 

On their way to get married, a young couple are involved in a fatal car accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.

While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven?

When St. Peter shows up, they asked him. St. Peter says, "I don't know.

This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out," and he leaves.

The couple sat and waited for an answer. . . . . .for a couple of months.

While they waited, they discussed that IF they were allowed to get married in Heaven, SHOULD they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all. "What if it doesn't work?" they wondered, "Are we stuck together FOREVER?"

After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informs the couple, "you CAN get married in Heaven."

"Great!" said the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slams his clipboard onto the ground.

"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.

"OH, COME ON!!" St. Peter shouts, "It took me three months to find a priest up here!

Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?
 

In the Garden of Eden, as everyone knows,
Live Adam and Eve, without any clothes.
In this garden, were two little leaves,
One covered Adam's, one covered Eve's.
As the story goes on, never the less to say,
The wind came along, and blew the leaves away.
At the sight, Adam did stare,
There was Eve's treasure, all covered with hair.
And wonder came, under Eve's eyes,
As Adam's thing, started to rise.
They found a spot, that suited them best,
A nice big tree, where they began to rest.
Her legs spread wider, and wider apart,
While thrill after thrill, came into her heart.
The head of Adam's thing, peeked into the hole,
And filled her with passion, beyond her control.
Backward and forward, his thing did slide,
And Eve's treasure, was all wet inside.
The joy was good, she wouldn't let loose,
Until Adam's thing, was all out of juice.
 

During a recent staff meeting in Heaven, God, Moses, and Saint Peter concluded that the behavior of President Clinton, Sen. Kennedy and Rep. Condit had brought about the need for an eleventh commandment.

They worked long and hard in a brain storming session to try to settle on the wording of the new commandment, because they realized that it should have the same style, majesty and dignity as the original ten.

After many revisions, they finally agreed that the eleventh commandment should be as follows:

"Thou shalt not comfort thy rod with thy staff."
 

What do you get when you cross Holy Water with castor oil?

A religious movement!
 

Seems God was just about done creating the universe, but he had two extra things left in his bag of creations, so he decided to split them between Adam and Eve. He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to stand up while urinating.

"It's a very handy thing", God told the couple, "I was wondering if either one of you wanted that very ability."

Adam jumped up and blurted, "Oh, give that to me! I'd love to be able to do that! It seems a sort of thing a man should do. Oh please, oh please, oh please, let me have that ability. It'd be so great! When I'm working in the garden or naming the animals, I could just stand there and let it fly. It'd be so cool, I could write my name in the sand. Oh please God, let it be me who you give that gift to, let me stand and pee, oh please..."

On and on he went like an excited little boy who had to pee. Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted that so badly, that he should have it. It seemed to be the sort of thing that would make him happy and she really wouldn't mind if Adam
were the one given this ability.

And so Adam was given the ability to urinate while in a vertical position. He was happy and did celebrate by wetting down the bark on the tree nearest him, laughing with delight all the while.

"Fine," God said looking back into his bag of leftovers. "What's left here? Oh yes, brains...."
 

There's this Amish girl and she tells her mom that her hands are cold. So her mom tells her to put them between her legs to get them warm. So she does and it surprisingly works.
The next day, her Amish boyfriend says his hands are cold so she tells him to put them between her legs. He does and it works, so he tells her his penis is cold and she tells him to put it between her legs.

She goes home and says,''Hey mom, do you know what a penis is?''

"Yes," her mom says.

The girl says, ''Did you know they're really messy when they thaw out?"
 

And the Lord spoke to Noah and said, "In one year, I am going to make it rain and cover the whole earth with water until all flesh is destroyed. But I want you to save the righteous people and two of every kind of living thing on the earth. Therefore, I am commanding you to build an Ark."

In a flash of lightening, God delivered the specifications for an Ark. In fear and trembling, Noah took the plans and agreed to build the Ark. "Remember" said the Lord, "You must complete the Ark and bring everything aboard in one year." Exactly one year later, fierce storm clouds covered the earth and all the seas of
the earth went into a tumult. The Lord saw Noah was sitting in his front yard weeping. "Noah," He shouted, "Where is the Ark?"

"Lord, please forgive me!" cried Noah. "I did my best, but there were big problems. First, I had to get a permit for construction and your plans did not comply with the codes. I had to hire an engineering firm and redraw the plans. Then I got into a fight with Occupational Health & Safety Commission over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system and flotation devices. Then my neighbour objected, claiming I was violating zoning ordinances by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to lodge a Rezoning Application with Adelaide City Council & it is now with the Land & Environment Court.

I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees to protect the Kookaburra. I finally convinced the Dept of Conservation & Land Management that I needed the wood to save the kookaburras. However, National Parks & Wildlife won't let me catch any kookaburras, so, no kookaburras.

The carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the Dept of Industrial Relations before anyone would pick up a saw or a hammer. Now I have 16 carpenters on the Ark, but still no kookaburras.

When I started rounding up the other animals, I got sued by RSPCA. They objected to me only taking two of each kind aboard. Just when I got the suit dismissed, the EPA notified me that I could not complete the Ark without filing an environmental
impact statement on Your proposed flood. They didn't take very kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of the Creator of the universe.

Then the Dept of Land and Water Conservation demanded a map of the proposed new flood plain. I sent them a complete set of UBDs & Gregory's.

Right now, I am trying to resolve a complaint filed with the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission that I am practicing discrimination by not taking godless, unbelieving people aboard!

The Australian Tax Office has seized my assets, claiming that I'm building the Ark in preparation to flee the country to avoid paying taxes. I also have to wait for registration of my ABN for the GST. I just got a notice from the Waterways Authority that I owe them some kind of user tax and failed to register the Ark as a
"recreational water craft."

I also need a Boat Drivers License but they are debating about how to classify the craft. I am getting continual visits from Green Peace, RSPCA, Work Cover, Sheriff's Office, and numerous other government departments.

Finally, the Australian Council for Civil Liberties got the courts to issue an injunction against further construction of the Ark, saying that since God is flooding the earth, it is a religious event and therefore unconstitutional. I really don't think I can finish the Ark for another 5 or 6 years!" Noah wailed.

The sky began to clear, the sun began to shine and the seas began to calm. A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up hopefully. "You mean you are not going to destroy the earth, Lord?" "No," said the Lord sadly. "I don't have to. The Government bureaucracy already has."

 

Since the Pledge of Allegiance and The Lord's Prayer are not allowed in most public schools anymore because the word "God" is mentioned....a kid in Arizona wrote the attached NEW School prayer. 
 
 
 

Now I sit me down in school
Where praying is against the rule
For this great nation under God
Finds mention of Him very odd.

If Scripture now the class recites,
It violates the Bill of Rights.
And anytime my head I bow
Becomes a Federal matter now.

Our hair can be purple, orange or green,
That's no offense; it's a freedom scene.
The law is specific, the law is precise.
Prayers spoken aloud are a serious vice.

For praying in a public hall
Might offend someone with no faith at all.
In silence alone we must meditate,
God's name is prohibited by the state.

We're allowed to cuss and dress like freaks,
And pierce our noses, tongues and cheeks.
They've outlawed guns, but FIRST the Bible.
To quote the Good Book makes me liable.

We can elect a pregnant Senior Queen,
And the 'unwed daddy,' our Senior King.
It's "inappropriate" to teach right from wrong,
We're taught that such "judgments" do not belong.

We can get our condoms and birth controls,
Study witchcraft, vampires and totem poles.
But the Ten Commandments are not allowed,
No word of God must reach this crowd.

It's scary here I must confess,
When chaos reigns the school's a mess.
So, Lord, this silent plea I make:
Should I be shot; My soul please take!

Amen
 

A modern Orthodox Jewish couple, preparing for a religious wedding, meets with their rabbi for counseling.

The rabbi asks if they have any last questions before they leave.

The man asks,"Rabbi, we realize it's tradition for men to dance with men and women to dance with women at the reception. But, we'd like your permission to dance together."

"Absolutely not," says the rabbi. "It's immodest. Men and women always dance separately."

"So after the ceremony I can't even dance with my own wife?"

"No," answered the rabbi. "It's forbidden."

"Well, okay," says the man, "What about sex? Can we finally have sex?"

"Of course!," replies the rabbi. "Sex is a mitzvah with in marriage, to have children!"

"What about different positions?" asks the man.

"No problem," says the rabbi. "It's a mitzvah!""
"Women on top?" asks the man.

Sure," says the rabbi. "Go for it! It's a mitzvah!"

"Doggy style?" "Another mitzvah!"

"On the kitchen table?""Yes, yes! A mitzvah!"

"Can we do it on rubber sheets with a bottle of hot oil, a couple of vibrators, a leather harness, a bucket of honey and a porno video?"

"You may indeed. It's all a mitzvah!"

"Can we do it standing up?""NO, NO, NO!" cries the rabbi.

"Why not?" asks the man.

"Could lead to dancing."

The minister of a city church enjoyed a drink now and then, but his passion was for peach brandy.

One of his congregants would make him a bottle each Christmas.

One year, when the minister went to visit his friend, hoping for his usual Christmas present, he was not disappointed, but his friend told him that he had to thank him for the peach brandy from the pulpit the next Sunday.

In his haste to get the bottle, the minister hurriedly agreed and left.

So the next Sunday the minister suddenly remembered that he had to make a public announcement that he was being supplied alcohol from a member of the church.

That morning, his friend sat in the church with a grin on his face, waiting to see the minister's embarrassment. The minister climbed into the pulpit and said, "Before we begin,I have an announcement. I would very much like to thank my friend, Joe, for his kind gift of peaches ... and for the spirit in which they were given!"   
 

MONEY TALKS

A one-dollar bill met a twenty-dollar bill and said, "Hey, where have you been? I haven't seen you around here much."

The twenty answered, "I've been hanging out at the casinos, went on a cruise and did the rounds of the ship, back to the United States for a while, went to a couple of baseball games, to the mall, that kind of stuff. How about you?"

The one dollar bill said, "You know, same old stuff - church, church, church."
 

A woman is at a doctor's office. She begs the doctor, "Please kiss me!"

The doctor says, no.

She asks again, "Doctor please kiss me."

The doctor says, no.

Once more she begs the doctor: "Doctor please kiss me!"

The doctor says, "No, I probably shouldn't even be fucking you."
 

A guy goes to see a doctor and when they get into the private room the doctor says to the patient, "What seems to be the problem?"

The patient answers, "You have to promise not to laugh."

The doctors said fine, and the patient pulls down his pants and the doctor tried not to laugh at his small dick.

The doctor managed to ask, "What's the problem?"

The patient then said, "It's swollen."

 

There was an old lady who would come out every morning on the steps of her front
porch, raise her arms to the sky, and shout, "Praise the Lord!"

One day an atheist moved into the house next door. Over time, he became irritated at the little old lady. So every morning step out onto his front porch and yell after her, "There is no Lord!"

Time passed with the two of them carrying on the way every day. Then one morning in the middle of winter, the little old lady stepped onto her front porch and shouted, "Praise the Lord! Lord, I have no food and I am starving. Please provide for me,
oh Lord!"

The next morning, she stepped onto her porch and there were two huge bags of groceries sitting there. "Praise the Lord!" she cried out. "He has provided groceries for me!"

The atheist jumped out of the hedges and shouted, "There is no Lord. I bought those groceries!"

The little old lady threw her arms into the air and shouted, "Praise the Lord! He has provided me with groceries and He made the devil pay for them!"
 

A minister decided to do something a little different one Sunday morning.

He said "Today, in church, I am going to say a single word and you are going

to help me preach. Whatever single word I say, I want you to sing whatever

hymn that comes to your mind.

The pastor shouted out, "Cross."

Immediately the congregation started singing in unison, "The Old Rugged

Cross".

The pastor hollered out "Grace."

The congregation began to sing "Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound!"

The pastor said "Power."

The congregation sang "There is Power in the Blood!"

The Pastor said "Sex."

The congregation fell in total silence.

Everyone was in shock. They all nervously began to look around at each other

afraid to say anything.

Then all of a sudden, way from in the back of the church, a little old

87-year-old grandmother stood up and began to sing "Precious Memories."
 

New IRS auditor, eager to make a name for himself, decided to review the tax returns of the local synagogue. He proceeded to interrogate the Rabbi,asking him what the Synagogue did with the wax drippings from the Shabbat,Havdallah and Chanukah candles.

The Rabbi, pleased to show the auditor that nothing went to waste, responded that the used wax is collected and sent to a candle factory and they send the Temple new candles.

"What about the crumbs from the matzah you eat at Passover?" asked the IRS auditor.

Simple, the Rabbi responded. We collect all the crumbs, send them to the matzah bakery and they send us matzah meal.

All right, said the auditor, refusing to give up. I know that you're a moyel as well as a Rabbi. What do you do with the leftovers from the circumcisions?

Easy, said the Rabbi. We send them to Washington, DC and they send us little pricks like you.

 

Satan Arrives

Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon everyone was evacuated from the Church, except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not moving and seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.

Now this confused Satan a bit, so he walked up to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"

The man replied, "Yep, sure do."

Satan asked, "Aren't you afraid of me?"

"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.

Satan was a little perturbed at this response and queried, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"

The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years.
 

Q: Why are Jewish men circumcised?

A: Because Jewish women won't touch anything unless it's 20% off!
 

There's this Amish girl and she tells her mom that her hands are cold.

So her mom tells her to put them between her legs to get them warm. So she does and it surprisingly works.

The next day, her Amish boyfriend says his hands are cold so she tells him to put them between her legs.

He does and it works, so he tells her his penis is cold and she tells him to put it between her legs.

She goes home and says,''Hey mom, do you know what a penis is?''

"Yes," her mom says.

The girl says, ''Did you know they're really messy when they thaw out?"
 

St. Peter and God talking.

God says, "St. Peter, how are things going on Earth?"

St. Peter answers, "Not too good. Some of the people are engaging in oral sex."

God says, "Oh no, St. Peter, not oral sex. That's terrible! We have to do something."

St. Peter says, "I know. We'll give an award to people who don't engage in oral sex. We'll have to make it something very special, like something personal. Like a medal, yeah, a medal with God's signature! Everybody will want a medal with God's signature. And to make it extra special, we'll put a little something personal on it."

DO YOU KNOW WHAT IT SAID?
.
..
...
.....
...
..
.
(Sorry, I didn't think you'd get one.)
 

What Religion is your Bra?

A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife."

"What type of bra?" asked the clerk.

"Type?" inquires the man, "There is more than one type?" "

Look around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size color and material imaginable.

"Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from."

Relieved, the man asked about the types.

The saleslady replied, "There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the Presbyterian, and the Baptist types. Which one would you prefer?"

Now befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them.

The saleslady responded, "It is all really quite simple; The Catholic type supports the masses. The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen. The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright, and the Baptist type makes mountains out of mole hills." D

 

The Top 9 New Religions for the 21st Century

9 "Our Lady of the Anatomical Enhancements"
(The Cult of Saint Pamela)

8 X-TREME RELIGION!!!

7 Joe-piscopal

6 Star Trek - The Next Denomination

5 Leonardo DiCatholic

4 Church of the Everlasting Independent Counsel

3 Harry Caray-Ishna

2 Crystal Methodist

1 Hey Judaism

 

Imagine the conversation The Creator might have had with St Francis on the subject of lawns:

GOD: Frank, you know all about gardens and nature.What in the world is going on down there in the Midwest? What happened to the dandelions, violets, thistle and stuff I started eons ago? I had a perfect, no-maintenance garden plan. Those plants grow in any type of soil, withstand drought and multiply with abandon. The nectar from the long lasting blossoms attracts butterflies, honey bees and flocks of songbirds. I expected to see a vast garden of colors by now. But all I see are those green rectangles.

ST FRANCIS: It's the tribes that settled there, Lord. The Suburbanites. They started calling your flowers "weeds" and went to great lengths to kill them and replace them with grass.

GOD: Grass? But it's so boring. It's not colorful. It doesn't attract butterflies, birds and bees, only grubs and sod worms. It's temperamental with temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want all that grass growing there?

ST. FRANCIS: Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to grow it and keep it green. They begin each spring by fertilizing grass and poisoning any other plant that crops up in the lawn.

GOD: The spring rains and warm weather probably make grass grow really fast. That must make the Suburbanites happy.

ST FRANCIS: Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it grows a little, they cut it sometimes twice a week.

GOD: They cut it? Do they then bale it like hay?

ST FRANCIS: Not exactly, Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in bags.

GOD: They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?

ST. FRANCIS: No, Sir. Just the opposite. They pay to throw it away.

GOD: Now, let me get this straight. They fertilize grass so it will grow. And when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it away?

ST FRANCIS: Yes, Sir.

GOD: Those Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut back on the rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth and saves them a lot of work.

ST FRANCIS: You aren't going to believe this, Lord. When the grass stops growing so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to water it so they can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it.

GOD: What nonsense. At least they kept some of the trees. That was a sheer stroke of genius, if I do say so myself. The trees grow leaves in the spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer. In the autumn they fall to the ground and form a natural blanket to keep moisture in the soil and protect the trees and bushes. Plus, as they rot, the leaves form compost to enhance the soil. It's a natural circle of life.

ST. FRANCIS: You better sit down, Lord. The Suburbanites have drawn a new circle. As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them into great piles and pay to have them hauled away.

GOD: No. What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots in the winter and to keep the soil moist and loose?

ST. FRANCIS: After throwing away the leaves, they go out and buy something which they call mulch. They haul it home and spread it around in place of the leaves.

GOD: And where do they get this mulch?

ST. FRANCIS: They cut down trees and grind them up to make the mulch.

GOD: Enough. I don't want to think about this anymore. St Catherine, you're in charge of the arts. What movie have they scheduled for us tonight?

ST. CATHERINE: "Dumb and Dumber", Lord. It's a really stupid movie about......

GOD: Never mind. I think I just heard the whole story from St Francis.
Have a Great Day !!!
 

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?

You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
--Alan, age 10

No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
--Kirsten, age 10

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?

Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
--Camille, age 10

No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married.
--Freddie, age 6

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?

You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
--Derrick, age 8

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?

Both don't want any more kids.
--Lori, age 8

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?

Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
--Lynnette, age 8

On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
--Martin, age 10

WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?

I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.
--Craig, age 9

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

When they're rich.
--Pam, age 7

The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
--Curt, age 7

The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
--Howard, age 8

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?

I don't know which is better, but I'll tell you one thing. I'm never going to have sex with my wife. I don't want to be all grossed out.
--Theodore, age 8

It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
--Anita, age 9

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?

There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
--Kelvin, age 8

"And the #1 Favorite is........"

HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?

Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck.
--Ricky, age 10
 

A minister was in a bad area of the country, income was pitiful, the plumbing rattled, the roof leaked, and the air conditioning didn't work. People simply wouldn't come because of the heat. And, being so poor, the church didn't have the money to pay to have repairs made.
He decided before he resigned that he would take a quick trip to gather his courage for telling these folks goodbye." He went to Las Vegas and had just enough money to attend a cheap magician show. In the show the man was hypnotizing folks -- making them act like chickens and monkeys." He was impressed." He met with the magician and ask him if he could teach him how to do this hypnotism thing.

The man gave him a quick course and he couldn't wait to get back to his church." His first Sunday back, he told his audience that he wanted to tell them about his trip. Took out a watch and chain, and,as he swung it back and forth, he talked softly as they went into a hypnotic trance.

He then stated: "I want everybody to walk down the aisle and put $20 in the plate." They did." He had the church's roof fixed that week. This worked so well that the next Sunday he decided to do it again. Taking his watch out he says I want to tell you some more things about my trip.

This time he proclaimed, "I want everybody to come down the aisle and drop $100 in the offering plate."" They did." He got the air conditioning fixed and the parking lot redone.

His third Sunday, he got to thinking, "I haven't been paid in a long time. I deserve a little money." Pulling his watch out he starts the swinging again, and as he is softly speaking he starts thinking: "I deserve a lot more than a little bit of money." I deserve enough to go overseas and have a cottage on the beach." I deserve a lot more." He got so excited about what he was fixing to receive, that his hands start sweating and as the watch slips from his grip, he yells:

"Shit!"

Took him two weeks to air out the church.
 

How to Sell a Bible

Three little boys were looking for a summer job.

Their preacher needed some people to go around and sell bibles.

So the preacher hired two boys without even thinking twice. But he was hesitant about hiring the third boy because he suffered from a speech impediment. So after the first days of work they all met back at the church.

The preacher looked at the first boy and asked him, "How many bibles did you sell?"

The boy stood up and said, "35."

"Is that all you sold?" the preacher asked.

"He looked at the secound boy and asked him the same thing.

The boy said, "75." "That is good," the preacher replied.

He didn't want to ask the third boy but did.

The boy with the speech impedement said ''I-I-I s-s-sold 175.''

The preacher was amazed and asked the boy how did he sell all of the bibles.

He said ''I-I-I t-t-told them to b-b-buy t-t-them or I will r-r-read it to t-t-them'''
 

A little child in church for the first time watched as the ushers passed the offering plates. When they neared the pew where he sat, the youngster piped up so that everyone could hear: "Don't pay for me Daddy, I'm under five."

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A little boy was attending his first wedding. After the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?"

"Sixteen," the boy responded. His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly. "How do you know that?" "Easy," the little boy said. "All you have to do is
add it up, like the Bishop said: 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer."

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After a church service on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother, "Mom, I've decided to become a minister when I grow up." "That's okay with us, but what made you decide that?"

"Well," said the little boy, "I have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell, than to sit and listen."

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A 6-year-old was overheard reciting the Lord's Prayer at a church service: "And forgive us our trash passes, as we forgive those who passed trash against us."

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A boy was watching his father, a pastor, write a sermon." How do you know what to say?" he asked. "Why, God tells me." "Oh, then why do you keep crossing things out?"

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A little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on and on. Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered, "Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?"

>?º°`°º?ø,¸¸,ø?º°`°º?ø?º°`°º?ø,¸¸,ø?º°`°º?ø?º°`

After the christening of his baby brother in church, little Johnny sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied, "That priest said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I want to stay with you guys!"

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Terri asked her Sunday School class to draw pictures of their favorite Bible stories. She was puzzled by Kyle's picture, which showed four people on an airplane, so she asked him which story it was meant to represent. "The flight to Egypt," said Kyle. "I see ... And that must be Mary, Joseph, and Baby Jesus," Ms. Terri said. "But who's the fourth person?"

"Oh, that's Pontius - the Pilot.

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The Sunday School Teacher asks, "Now, Johnny, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?" "No sir," little Johnny replies, "I don't have to. My Mom is a good cook."

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A college drama group presented a play in which one character would stand on a trap door and announce, "I descend into hell!" A stagehand below would then pull a rope, the trapdoor would open, and the character would plunge through. The play was well received. When the actor playing the part became ill, another actor who was quite overweight took his place.

When the new actor announced, "I descend into hell!" the stagehand pulled the rope, and the actor began his plunge, but became hopelessly stuck. No amount of tugging on the rope could make him descend. One student in the balcony jumped up and yelled: "Hallelujah! Hell is full!"

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Pastor Dave Charlton tells us, "After a worship service at First Baptist Church in Newcastle, Kentucky, a mother with a fidgety seven-year old boy told me how she finally got her son to sit still and be quiet. About halfway through the sermon, she leaned over and whispered, 'If you don't be quiet, Pastor Charlton is going to lose his place and will have to start his sermon all over again!' It worked."

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A little girl was sitting on her grandfather's lap as he read her a bedtime story. From time to time, she would take her eyes off the book and reach up to touch his wrinkled cheek. She was alternately stroking her own cheek, then his again. Finally she spoke up, "Grandpa, did God make you?" "Yes, sweetheart," he answered, "God made me a long time ago." "Oh," she paused, "Grandpa, did God make me too?" "Yes, indeed, honey," he said, "God made you just a little while ago." Feeling their respective faces again,she observed, "God's getting better at it, isn't he?"
 

In the water floated, of all things, a condom. Imagine his shock and
surprise! And, curiosity! Surely Miss Granny had flipped! But he felt he couldn't mention the strange sight in her parlor. When she returned with tea and cookies, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and the floating item, but soon it got the better of him, and he could resist no longer. "Miss Granny" he said while pointing to the bowl, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?"
"Oh, Yes," she replied, "isn't it wonderful? I was walking downtown last fall and I found this little package. The directions said to put it on the organ, keep it wet, and it would prevent diseases. And you know...
I haven't had a cold all winter."

At a remote monastery deep in the woods, the monks followed a rigid vow of silence. This vow could only be broken once a year on Christmas, by one monk, and the monk could speak only one sentence.

One Christmas, Brother Thomas had his turn to speak and said, "I love the delightful mashed potatoes we have every year with the Christmas roast!" and he sat down. Silence ensued for 365 days.

The next Christmas, Brother Michael got his turn, and said, "I think the mashed potatoes are lumpy and I truly despise them!"

Once again, silence ensued for 365 days. The following Christmas, Brother Paul rose and said, "I am fed up with this constant bickering!"
 

Q. Did you hear about the dyslexic, athiest, insomniac?

A. He was up all night wondering if there was a dog.
 

One day Joe walks into the breakroom at his work, and all of his coworkers ask why he has two black eyes.

He says, "I was at church singing in the choir and I looked over at Mrs. Young and she had her skirt tucked into ther panteis. So I reached over and untucked it.

Well Mr. Young who was standing right next to me did not like this to well, so he punched me.

Joes friends say that explanes the one black eye but how did you get the other.

Well when I saw how mad Mr. Young got I simple reached back over and tucked it back in.
 

An Act of Charity

One Sunday a pastor told the congregation that the church needed some extra money and asked the people to prayerfully consider giving a little extra in the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns.

After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a $1,000 bill in offering. He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he'd like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate.

A very quiet, elderly, saintly lady all the way in the back shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front. Slowly she made her way to the pastor. He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and in thanksgiving asked her to pick out three hymns.

Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three handsomest men in the building and said, "I'll take him and him and him
 

A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, "I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter."

Her mother told her that this was wrong and she should say, "I'm Jane Sugarbrown.

That weekend the Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School and said, "Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?"

She replied, "I thought I was, but my mother says I'm not!"

At the beginning of a children's sermon, one girl came up to the altar
wearing a beautiful dress.

As the children were sitting down around thepastor, he leaned over and said to the girl, "That's a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter dress?"

The girl replied almost directly into the pastor's clip-on microphone,
"Yes, and my Mom says it's a bitch to iron!"
 

A Sunday School teacher asked her little children, as they were on their way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"

One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."
 

One time in heaven Saint Peter said to Jesus, “I'm going on vacation and I want you to watch the pearly gates. Everybody who comes up, you ask the questions and you decide if will stay here in heaven.”

“Okay, Saint Peter, I will,” said Jesus.

Jesus was receiving everybody when, he spied a blind and very old man coming toward him. Jesus said to him, “tell me about your life.”

And the old man said, “I remember nothing about my life. The only thing I remember is that my son was very famous on the earth and I was a carpenter.”

Jesus thought, “A son very famous and he was a carpenter, he must be Joseph.” Jesus with his eyes full of tears said, “Father?”

The old man, touching the face of Jesus said, “Is that you Pinocchio?”
 

Rated G
Mrs. Watkins awoke one spring morning to find that the river had flooded the entire first floor of her house. Looking out of her window, she saw that the water was still rising. Two men passing by in a rowboat shouted up an invitation to row to safety with them. "No, thank you," Mrs. Watkins replied. "The Lord will provide."
The men shrugged and rowed on. By evening, the water level forced Mrs. Watkins to climb on top of the roof for safety. She was spotted by a man in a motorboat, who offered to pick her up. "Don't trouble yourself," she told him. "The Lord will provide."

Pretty soon, Mrs. Watkins had to seek refuge atop the chimney. When a Red Cross cutter came by on patrol, she waved it on, shouting, "The Lord will provide." So the boat left, the water rose, and the old woman drowned.

Dripping wet and thoroughly annoyed, she came through the pearly gates and demanded to speak to God. "What happened?" she cried.

"For cryin' out loud, lady," God said, "I sent three boats."

Every year at the state fair Fred entered the lottery for the brand new truck and lost. This year, he told his friend Leroy,he wasn't going to bother and enter.

"What kind of attitude is that?" Leroy asked. He leaned closer and whispered, "What you need, pal, is faith. Look around and see if the good Lord sends you a message."

Strolling around the fair, Fred grew more and more despondent asthe drawing neared. Nothing struck him, no divine inspiration,no sign from God.

Finally, while he was passing old Mrs. Kelleher's pie stand, he glanced over and saw the woman bending down. She wasn't wearing any panties, and suddenly her ass began to glow.

All of asudden, a finger of flame came from the skies and without her even knowing it, used her ass as a notepad. The fiery finger etched a seven on each cheek.

Thanking God, Fred rushed to the raffle booth and played the number 77. A few minutes later, the drawing was held. And once again, Fred lost.

The winning number was 707.
 

A friend was in front of me coming out of the Synagogue one day, and as always the Rabbi was standing at the door shaking hands as the congregation departed. He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside.

The Rabbi said to him, "You need to join the Army of G-d!"

My friend replied, "I'm already in the Army of G-d, Rabbi."

The Rabbi questioned, "How come I don't see you except for Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur?"

He whispered back, "I'm in the secret service."
 

A man who smelled like a distillery flopped down on a subway seat next to a priest.

The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.

He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes, the disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"

"Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man!"

"Well, I'll be damned!" the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry, I shouldn't have been so unpleasant about it. Tell me, how long have you had arthritis?"

"I don't have it, Father -- I was just reading here that the Pope does
 

Three preachers sat discussing the best positions for prayer while a telephone repairman worked nearby.

"Kneeling is definitely best," claimed one.

"No," another contended. "I get the best results standing with my hands outstretched to Heaven."

"You're both wrong," the third insisted. "The most effective prayer position is lying prostrate, face down on the floor."

The repairman could contain himself no longer. "Hey, fellas," he interrupted, "the best prayin' I ever did was hangin'upside down from a telephone pole."
 

The following statements about the Bible were written by children and have not been retouched or corrected:

1. The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.

2. A Christian should only have one spouse. This is called monotony.

3. Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.

4. Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark.

5. Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.

6. The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with unsympathetic Genitals.

7. Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread without any ingredients.

8. The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.

9. Moses died before he ever reached Texas.

10. Then Joshua led the battle of Geritol.

11. The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.

12. David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.

13. Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

14. Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.

15. Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you.

 

Two Jews walk into a bar.

The first Jew orders an Arafat.

The second Jew says "Why would you order a drink called Arafat?"

First Jew replies, "Tonight, I just want to get bombed."
 

There is the story of a person who got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation: I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets.

----------------------------------------------------------------
While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish carriage. The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand-printed sign... Energy efficient vehicle. Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step in exhaust.
--------------------------------------------------------
A Sunday School teacher began her lesson with a question "Boys and girls, what do we know about God?"

A hand shot up in the air. "He is an artist!" said the kindergarten boy. "Really? How do you know?" the teacher asked.

"You know - Our Father, who does art in Heaven... "
--------------------------------------------------------
People want the front of the bus, the back of the church and to be the center of attention.

----------------------------------------------------

Somebody once figured out that we have 35 million laws trying to enforce ten commandments.
--------------------------------------------------------

Somebody said that there are only two kinds of people in the world... there are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good morning, Lord!", and there are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good Lord, it's morning!"
--------------------------------------------------------
A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter. Then he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: I have circled the block ten times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. FORGIVE US OURTRESPASSES.

When he returned, he foun d a citation from a police officer along with this note: I've circled this block for ten years. If I don't give you a ticket, I'll lose my job. LEAD US NOT INTO TEMPTATION.

-------------------------------------------------------

A father was approached by his small son, who told him proudly, "I know what the Bible means!" His father smiled and replied, "What do you mean, you 'know' what the Bible means?" The son replied, "I do know!".

"Okay," said his father. "So, Son, what does the Bible mean?"

"That's easy,Daddy! It stands for 'Basic Information Before Leaving Earth'."

 

Subject: What Religion are We?

Three little boys were concerned because they couldn't get anyone to play with them. They decided it was because they had not been baptized and didn't go to Sunday school. So they went to the nearest church, but only the janitor was there.

One said, "We need to be baptized because no one will come out and play with us. Will you baptize us?"

"Sure," said the janitor.

He took them into the bathroom and dunked their heads in the toilet bowl, one at a time. Then he said, "Now go out and play."

When they got outside, dripping wet, one of them asked, "What religion do you think we are?"

The oldest one said, "We're not Katlick, because they pour the water. We're not Bablist because they dunk all of you. We're not Methdiss because they just sprinkle you."

The littlest one said, "Didn't you smell that water?"

"Yes. What do you think that means?"

"That means we're Pisscopalians"
 

A Mormon acquaintance once pushed Mark Twain into an argument on the issue of polygamy.

After long and tedious expositions justifying the practice, the Mormon demanded that Twain cite any passage of scripture expressly forbidding having more than one wife.

"Nothing easier," Twain said. "No man can serve two masters."
 

HOLY LIGHT BULBS

How many church people does it take to screw in a light bulb?

CHARISMATIC: Only one. Hands already in the air.

ROMAN CATHOLICS: None. They use candles.

PENTECOSTALS: Ten. One to change the bulb, and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness.

PRESBYTERIANS: None. God has predestined when the lights will be on and off.

EPISCOPALIANS: Eight. One to call the electrician, and seven to say how much they liked the old one better.

UNITARIANS: We choose not to make a statement either in favour of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own Journey you have found that light bulbs work for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your personal relationship with your light bulb, and present it next month at our annual light bulb Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions,including incandescent, fluorescent, three-way, long-life and tinted,all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence.

METHODISTS: Two. One to change the bulb and one to check the "Manual for Changing Bulbs in the Methodist Church".

BAPTISTS: At least fifteen: One to change the light bulb, and two or three committees to approve the change. Oh, and also a casserole.

LUTHERANS: None. Lutherans do not believe in change.

UNITED: Six. One to change the bulb and five to prepare the lunch.

ANGLICANS:1 Celebrant to bless the new bulb.3 Acolytes to sit around and make faces.1 Organist to write a hymn to praise the new bulb.15 Choir singers (minimum) to sing said hymn.1 Junior Warden to remove the old bulb and replace it with a new bulb.1 Assistant clergy to give a eulogy for the old bulb. 100-200 Members of the congregation to answer "We will" when the celebrant asks: "Will you who witness this do all in your power to support thisnew light?"5-10 people to form a new congregation using the old bulb.
 

Osama Bin Laden declares a holy war?

...From which hole?

 

Two Jews, Morty and Saul, are out one afternoon on a lake when their boat starts sinking.

Saul says to Morty, "So listen, Morty, you know I don't swim so well."

Morty remembered how to carry another swimmer from his lifeguard class when he was just a kid. So Morty is begins tugging Saul toward shore. After ten minutes, he begins to tire. Finally about 100 feet from shore, Morty asks Saul, "So Saul, do you suppose you could float alone?"

Saul replies, "Morty, this is a hell of a time to be asking for money!"

 

Two church members were going door to door.

They knocked on the door of a woman who

clearly was not happy to see them.

She told them in no uncertain terms she did

not want to hear their message and

slammed the door in their faces.

To her surprise, the door did not close.

In fact, it bounced back open.

She tried again, really put her back into

the job, and slammed the door again.

Same results. The door bounced back

like it was made of Silly Putty.

Convinced one of these rude church

members was sticking a foot in the door, she reared back to give the door a slam that would teach them a lesson.

Just then, one of the church members said, "Ma'am, before you do that again, you might want to move your cat."
 

Religions of the World

Taoism: Shit happens.

Buddhism: If shit happens, it's not really shit.

Zen: What is the sound of shit happening?

Confusianism: Confucius says: shit happens

Islam: If shit happens, take a hostage.

Protestantism: Shit happens because you don't work hard enough.

Catholicism: Shit happens because you're bad.

Judaism: Why does shit always happen to us?

Hare Krishna: Shit happens rama rama.

TV Evangalism: Send more shit.

Atheism: No shit.

Hedonism: There's nothing like a good shit happening.

Jehovahs Witness: Knock, knock, shit happens.

Christian Science: Shit happens in your mind.

Agnosticism: Maybe shit happens, maybe it doesn't.

Stoicism: This shit doesn't bother me

Rastafarianism: Let's smoke this shit.
 

"I was in San Fransisco once, walking along the Golden Gate Bridge, and I saw this guy on the bridge about to jump. So I thought I'd try to stall and detain him, long enough for me to put the film in.

I said, "Don't jump!" and he turns...
You've heard of the elephant man. He was kind of like that, except he had a, well, you could say he had the head of a horse.
And my heart went out to him.

I said, "Why the long face?"
He said, "'Cause all my life people have called me mean names like horses-head or Flicka or chess-piece or Trigger..."

I said, "Well, don't worry about it, Ed. It can't be that bad."
He said, "My girlfriend's suing me!"

I said, "For palomino?"
He said, "Why was I put on this Earth?"

I said, "My friend, anywhere else you wouldn't stand a chance."
He said, "Nobody loves me."

I said, "God loves you, you silly ninny."
He said, "How do you know there's a God?"

I said, "Of course there's a God. Do you think that billions of years ago a bunch of molecules floating around at random could someday have had the sense of humor to make you look like that?"
He said, "I do believe in God."

I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?"
He said, "A Christian."

I said, "Me too. Protestant or Catholic?"
He said, "Protestant."

I said, "Me too! What franchise?"
He says, "Baptist."

I said, "Me too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?"
He says, "Northern Baptist."

I said, "Me too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?"
He says, "Northern Conservative Baptist."

I say, "Me too! Northern Conservative Fundamentalist Baptist or Northern Conservative Reform Baptist?"
He says, "Northern Conservative Fundamentalist Baptist."

I say, "Me too! Northern Conservative Fundamentalist Baptist Great Lakes Region or Northern Conservative Fundamentalist Baptist Eastern Region?"
He says, "Northern Conservative Fundamentalist Baptist Great Lakes Region."

I say, "Me too! Northern Conservative Fundamentalist Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879 or Northern Conservative Fundamentalist Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?"
He says, "Northern Conservative Fundamentalist Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912."

I said, "Die, heretic!" And I pushed him over.

Voice Mail in Heaven

Most of us have now learned to live with voice mail as a necessary part of our daily lives. But have you ever wondered what it would be like if God decided to install voice mail? Imagine praying and hearing thefollowing:

Thank you for calling Heaven.
For English, Press 1.
For Spanish, press 2.
For all other languages, press 0.

Please select one of the following options:
Press 1 for Requests.
Press 2 for Thanksgiving.
Press 3 for Complaints.
Press 4 for all other inquiries.

I am sorry. All of our angels and saints are busy helping other sinners right now. However, your prayer is important to us, and we will answer it in the order it was received. Please stay on the line.

If you would like to speak to:
God, press 1.
Jesus, press 2.
Holy Spirit, press 3.

If you would like to hear King David sing a Psalm while you are holding,press 4.

To find a loved one that has been assigned to Heaven, press 5, then enter his or her social security number, followed by the pound sign.

If you receive a negative response, please hang up and try area code 666.

For reservations at Heaven, please enter J-O-H-N, 3-1-6.

For answers to nagging questions about dinosaurs, the age of the earth, life on other planets, and where Noah's Ark is, please wait until you arrive.

Our computers show that you have already prayed today. Please hang-up and try again tomorrow.

The office is now closed for the weekend to observe a religious holiday. Please pray again on Monday after 9:30 am. If you are calling after hours and need emergency assistance, please contact your local pastor.

Thank you, and have a heavenly day
 

Subject: Church Marquee Signs

"The best vitamin for a Christian is B1"

"Under same management for over 2000 years"

"Soul food served here"

"Tithe if you love Jesus! Anyone can honk!"

"Beat the Christmas rush, come to church this Sunday!"

"Don't wait for the hearse to take you to church"

"Don't give up. Moses was once a basket case."

"Life has many choices, Eternity has two. What's yours?"

"Worry is interest paid on trouble before it is due"

"Wal-Mart isn't the only saving place!"

"Preach the gospel at all times. Use words if necessary"

"Prevent truth decay. Brush up on your Bible"

"It's hard to stumble when you're down on your knees"

"What part of "THOU SHALT NOT" don't you understand?"

"A clear conscience makes a soft pillow"

"The wages of sin is death. Repent before payday"

"Never give the devil a ride. He will always want to drive"

"Can't sleep? Try counting your blessings"

"Forbidden fruit creates many jams"

"Christians, keep the faith... But not from others!"

"Satan subtracts and divides. God multiplies and multiplies"

"If you don't want to reap the fruits of sin stay out of the devil's orchard"

"To belittle is to be little"

"Don't let the littleness in others bring out the littleness in you"

"God answers knee mail"

"Try Jesus. If you don't like Him, the devil will always take you back"
 

A Moment With The Preacher...

One Sunday morning, the preacher noticed little Billy was staring up at the plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. It was covered with names and small American flags were mounted on either side of it. T

The seven-year-old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the preacher walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly: "Good morning,Billy."

"Good morning, Preacher," replied the young man, still focused on the plaque. "Preacher, what is this?"

"Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died while in the service."

Soberly, they stood together, staring at the plaque.

Little Billy's voice was barely audible when he asked: "Which service, the 9:45 or the 11:00?"
 

Everything I need to know about life, I learned from Noah's Ark...

One: Don't miss the boat.

Two: Remember that we are all in the same boat.

Three: Plan ahead. It wasn't raining when Noah built the Ark.

Four: Stay fit. When you're 600 years old, someone may ask you to do something really big.

Five: Don't listen to critics; just get on with the job that needs to be done.

Six: Build your future on high ground.

Seven: For safety's sake, travel in pairs.

Eight: Speed isn't always an advantage. The snails were on board with the cheetahs.

Nine: When you're stressed, float a while.

Ten: Remember, the Ark was built by amateurs; the Titanic by professionals.

Eleven: No matter the storm, when you are with God, there's always a rainbow waiting.

NOW, wasn't that nice?

 

The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like Chinese food so much. The study revealed that this is due to the fact that WonTon spelled backwards is Not Now.

There's a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins. In Jewish tradition, the fetus is not considered viable until after it graduates from medical school.

Q: Why don't Jewish mothers drink:
A: Alcohol interferes with their suffering.

Have you seen the newest Jewish-American Princess horror movie? --

It's called "Debbie Does Dishes."

Q: Why do Jewish Mothers make great parole officers?

A: They never let anyone finish a sentence.

Q: What's a Jewish American Princess' favorite position.

A: Facing Bloomingdale's

When the doctor called Mrs. Liebenbaum to tell her that her check came back, she replied, "So did my arthritis."

A man calls his mother in Florida. "Mom, how are you?"
"Not too good," says the mother. "I've been very weak."
The son says, "Why are you so weak?"
She says, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days."
The man says, "That's terrible. Why haven't you eatenin 38 days?"
The mother answers, "Because I didn't want my mouth to be filled with food if you should call."

A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he's been given a part in the school play.
"Wonderful. What part is it?"
The boy says," I play the part of the Jewish husband."
The mother scowls and says, "Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part."

Q - How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb?
A - (Sigh!) Don't bother, I'll just sit here in the dark; I don't want to be a nuisance to anybody.

Short summary of every Jewish Holiday: They tried to kill us, we won, let's eat.

Did you hear about the bum who walked up to the Jewish mother on the street and said, 'Lady, I haven't eaten in three days.'

"Force yourself," she replied.

Q: What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish Mother?
A: Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go
 

A little boy was in a relative's wedding.

As he was coming down the aisle, he would take 2 steps, stop, and turn to the crowd.

While facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like claws and roar. So it went, step, step, ROAR, step, step, ROAR, all the way down the aisle.

As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by the time he reached the pulpit.

When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed and said, "I was being the Ring Bear."
 

One Sunday in a midwest city, a young child was "acting up" during the morning worship hour.

The parents did their best to maintain some sense of order in the pew, but were losing the battle.

Finally, the father picked up the little fellow and walked sternly up the aisle on his way out.

Just before reaching the safety of the foyer, the little one called loudly to the congregation, "Pray for me! Pray for me!"

******************************
A little boy was overheard praying: "Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am."

******************************
A Sunday School teacher asked her little children, as they were on their way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"

One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."

A couple of Jewish fellows decide to go to a Chinese restaurant for lunch. One says to the other, "You know there are American Jews, Russian Jews, Spanish Jews, even black Jews, but I have never heard of any Chinese Jews."

The other guy says, "You know, you're right. Let's ask the waitress."

When she comes with a pot of tea, they ask, "Are there any Chinese Jews?"

She says, "I dinnay. Weel ask."

She comes back a short time later. "No. We have grape juice and orange juice, no Chinese juice."
 

Saint Peter, was sitting behind a desk on front of the gates of heaven, getting ready to start his day. "May the first person come." He said.

"Hello, Saint Peter." said the first person.

"State you name and tell me how you spent your life." he said.

"Oh Saint Peter, I am a nun, who spent her life helping those in need, and serving the Lord."

"Here is a golden key, it will open the Gates of Heaven."

And off the nun went.

"Next." said Saint Peter. "How did you spend your life."

"I spent my life like a normal human being." another woman said. "I told some lies, white lies here and there. But nothing serious."

"Here I give you a Silver Key. It is for the Purgatory. You may go now." he said. "Next. Tell me, how did you lived your life?"

"Oh Saint Peter, my life was spent on parties, with a different man every day. I loved a good dance, drinking, and having a different man every night. You might call me a creature of the night." said a beautiful Girl.

"Here is a key made of Copper." he said.

"Is that the key to Hell?!"

"No, this is the key, for my apartment."
 

A man dies and finds himself standing third in line at the Pearly Gates.

The Angel explains that admission requirements are now a bit more strict, as a few slum landlords and con artists have managed to slip into Heaven without being detected.

He queries the first candidate:"What was your annual salary, and what was your profession?

"I made $150,000 as an Attorney" comes the reply.

"You may enter" says the Angel.

Second candidate, same question. "I made $95,000, I was a realtor."

He is also permitted to enter.

Now it is the third man's turn. "My annual salary was $8,000."

"Cool!" replies the Angel, "and what instrument did you play?"
 

A traveling evangelist always put on a grand finale at his revival meetings, When he was to preach at a church, he would secretly hire a small boy to sit in the ceiling rafters with a dove in a cage.

Toward the end of his sermon, the preacher would shout for the Holy Spirit to come down, and the boy in the rafters would dutifully release the dove.

At one revival meeting, however, nothing happened when the preacher called for the Holy Spirit to descent.

He again raised his arms and exclaimed: "Come down, Holy Spirit!"

Still no sign of the dove.

The preacher then heard the anxious voice of a small boy call down from the rafters:"Sir, a yellow cat just ate the Holy Spirit.

Shall I throw down the yellow cat?"
 

~~ A wee bitty prayer ~

Now I lay me down to sleep.
I pray the Lord my shape to keep.
Please no wrinkles, please no bags-
And, please lift my butt before it sags.
Please no age spots, please no gray
-And, as for my belly, please take it away.
Please keep me healthy, please keep me young
-And, thank you Dear Lord for all that you've done!
 

God and The Zodiac

ARIES: Dear God, please give me patience ... and could you do it right now?

TAURUS: Dear God, help me accept change, but let's do it my way.

GEMINI: Dear God! Who is God? Where is God? Why is God?

CANCER: Dear God!!!

LEO: Yes? Hello God... are you listening to me ?

VIRGO: Dear God, please make us perfect and don't mess it up like You did the last time.

LIBRA: Dear God, please help me to be decisive, but on the other hand, what do you think is best?

SCORPIO: Our Father, forgive us our debts as we forgive our debtors, even though the low-life scum don't deserve it!

SAGITTARIUS: Dear Lord, if I've told you once, I've told you a million times, help me stop exaggerating.

CAPRICORN: Dear God! I'd like to ask you to help me, but I learned a long time ago not to rely on anyone else!

AQUARIUS: Dear God, I know I like change, but this chaos is ridiculous!!

PISCES: Dear Lord, as long as I'm going to drink this fifth of Scotch tonight, please use the stimulation for Thy glory.
 

The minister had just had all of his remaining teeth pulled and new dentures were being made. The first Sunday after the surgery, he only preached for 10 minutes. The second Sunday, he preached only 20 minutes.But, on the third Sunday he preached for 1 hour 25 minutes.

When asked about this by some of the congregation, he responded this way, "The first Sunday, my gums were so sore it hurt to talk. The second Sunday, my dentures
were hurting a lot. The third Sunday, I accidentallygrabbed my wife's dentures and I couldn't stop talking!"
 

These two preachers always ride their bicycles to church every Sunday and every Sunday they when they pass each other they stop and talk.

One Sunday as the one preacher is riding along, he sees the other preacher walking. He asks him, "Where's your bicycle rev?"

"Somebody stole my bicycle; I think it was somebody in my congregation, but I don't know what to do about it."

"Well, here's what you do, rev," the first preacher tells him, "You go into church today, and instead of the sermon you were going to preach, do one on the ten commandments. Then, when you get to the one about "Thou shalt not steal", the person who stole your bicycle will feel guilty and bring it back to you."

The other preacher thinks this is a great idea.

The next Sunday the two preachers pass one another on their bicycles.

They stop to talk to each other."I see you got your bicycle back, rev. Did you do like I said?"

"Yes, I did, but it didn't work out quite like you said."

"Oh, how's that?"

"Well, I did the sermon on the ten commandments like you said, but when I got to the one about "Thou shalt not commit adultery, I remembered where I left my bicycle."
 

Precious MemoriesOne Sunday during church services, a minister announced that, since he had laryngitis, he would not be preaching that day, but would instead say a few words and the congregation then would sing the first hymn that came to mind.

"God," whispered the minister.The congregation started singing "How Great Thou Art."

"Roses," whispered the minister.The congregation started singing "In the Garden."

"Jesus," whispered the minister.The congregation started singing "Jesus Loves Me."

This one word-one song game continued for several more minutes, until finally the minister said, "Sex."

The congregation fell deathly silent. Many began curiously looking about to see the reaction of others to the minister`s last word.

No one sang anything for a few long seconds.

Then one brave soul, an elderly lady sitting in the back, cleared her throat and she started singing as loud as she could, "Precious memories, how they linger..."
 

The Lord is my Shepherd!
That's Relationship!

I shall not want
That's Supply!

He maketh me lie down in green pastures
That's Rest!

He restoreth my soul
That's Healing!

He leadeth me beside the still waters
That's Refreshment!

He leadeth me in the paths of righteousness
That's Guidance!

For His name sake
That's Purpose!

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death
That's Testing!

I will fear no evil
That's Protection!

For Thou art with me
That's Faithfulness!

Thy rod and Thy staff they comfort me
That's Discipline!

Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies
That'sHope!

Thou annointest my head with oil
That's Consecration!

My cup runneth over
That's Abundance!

Surely goodness and mercy shall follow all the days of my life
That's Blessing!

And I will dwell in the house of the Lord
That's Security!

Forever
That's Eternity!
 

Moses led the children of Israel out of Egypt. Exhausted, they stopped at the shores of the Red Sea. Moses stood there, the waves breaking at his feet, contemplating how to get across safely.

Suddenly, someone spotted a long cloud of sand that rose above the horizon. "Pharoe's charioteers are coming after us!" he exclaimed.

At this point, a carpenter approached Moses and said, "I know of a way to get us across the Red Sea safely."

"How?" Moses asked.

"I'll take a crew with me to Lebanon, cut down enough of the trees of Lebanon to make rafts to float us all across the Red Sea."

"And how long will this take?" Moses asked.

"About six months", the carpenter replied.

Moses ignored the day dreaming carpenter.

Another person approached him and said, "Moses, I have THE answer!"

"Speak quickly for the Egyptians are almost upon us."

"Moses, I'm of the new, younger generation. I'm called a Computer Programmer."

"And how long will it take to create an analytical program to help us get across the Red Sea safely?"

"By the time we make a feasibility study, screen all possibilities of crossing the Red Sea safely, select the most logical system design, program it, document all steps in the program, then make 300 photo copies of the system, finally test and debug the program, it will take about nine months to cross the Red Sea."

By this time Moses and his followers could see the cloud of sand, hear the roar of the chariots and the crack of the whips driving the horse teams faster.

Moses strode dejectedly to the breaking waves of the Red Sea, planted his staff in the wet sand and raised his head to heaven. "Oh Lord our God, Please help me cast my staff into the Red Sea, part the waves, create a dry bed beneath the sea for us to flee across to the other shore, and close the waters behind us to drown the
Egyptians who seek to recapture and bring us back to the Pharoe as slaves again."

Just then Moses felt a nudge in his back. It was his Public Relations and Media expert.

"Moses!", he exclaimed excitedly, "If you can get the Good Lord to do that, I can guarantee you three pages in the Old Testament
 

A 10-year-old, under the tutelage of her grandmother, was becoming quite knowledgeable about the Bible.

"Then one day she floored her grandmother by asking, "Which Virgin was the Mother of Jesus: The Virgin Mary or The King James Virgin?'

 

One fine day in the garden of Eden, the Lord called to Adam.

"Adam," he said, "It is time for you and Eve to begin the process of populating the earth. So, to start things off, I want you to kiss her."Adam answered, "All right, Lord, but what is a kiss?"

So the Lord gave a brief description of the process to Adam, who took Eve by the hand and led her behind a nearby bush.

A few minutes later, Adam emerged and said, "Thank you Lord, that was very enjoyable."

And the Lord replied, "Good, Adam, I thought you might enjoy that. Now I'd like you to caress Eve."

And Adam said, "What is a caress, Lord?"

So the Lord again gave Adam a brief description of what to do, and Adam went behind the bush with Eve.

Several minutes later, Adam emerged again, smiling, and said, "Well, Lord, that was even better than the kiss. Now what?"

And the Lord said, "Very well, Adam. Now I want you to make love with Eve." And Adam asked, "And what is 'make love', Lord?"

So the Lord once again gave Adam directions, and Adam went again to Eve behind the bush.

Two minutes later, Adam came out, and said, "Lord, what is a 'headache'?"
 

Jim arrives at the Pearly Gates of Heaven and sees St.Peter flipping through a large golden book. Jim approaches St. Peter, who looks down at Jim and says, "Well Jim, I've looked through your life story. I can't find anything bad that you ever did, but I can't find anything really good either. I'll tell you what, if you can name one really good thing that you did in your life, I will let you into Heaven."

Jim thinks for a minute and then says, "well, there was this one time when I was driving down a desolate road and off to the side of the road I saw this big group of
punk biker gang guys picking on this young woman. So I pulled over to get a closer look and sure enough there they were, about 20 guys just harassing this poor
chick. Now I don't like it when guys are mean to women, so I got out of my car, grabbed my crow-bar from my trunk and walked over to the punk biker gang. I shouted at the top of my lungs 'You guys better leave this girl alone!' Then this big guy, he must have been the leader, walked up to me. He was huge and ugly, with a chain running from his nose to his ear."

At this point St. Peter was looking very interested and insisted that Jim continue with the story.

"Ok, well anyway," Jim continues on. "The big leader guy looks at me and says 'And what if we don't stop picking on her little man?' I got really pissed at that point and as they all surrounded me I looked at the big guy and replied 'If you don't leave her alone, I'll do this!' And I used my crow bar to rip the chain from the guy's
nose and ear. Yup, I risked my ass just to save some poor chick."

St. Peters was really impressed. "Wow Jim! When did all this happen?"

"Oh," said Jim. "About five minutes ago."
 

After the revival had concluded, the three pastors were discussing the results with one another. The Methodist minister said, "The revival worked out really great for us! We gained 4 new families."

The Baptist preacher said, "We did better than that! We gained 6 new families."

The Presbyterian pastor said, "Well, we did even better than that! We got rid of our 10 biggest trouble makers!"
 

A local priest and pastor were fishing on the side of the road.

They thoughtfully made a sign saying, "The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it's too late!" and showed it to each passing car.

One driver that drove by didn't appreciate the sign and shouted at them: "Leave us alone you religious nuts!"

All of a sudden they heard a big splash, looked at each other, and the priest said to the pastor ..... "You think we should just put up a sign that says 'bridge out' instead?'"
 

A woman received a phone call that her daughter was very sick with a fever.

She left work and stopped by the pharmacy for some medication for her daughter. When returning to her car to find she had locked her keys inside.

She had get home to her sick daughter, and didn't know what to do.

She called her home to the baby sitter, and was told her daughter was getting worse. She said, "You might find a coat hanger and use that to open the door."

The woman found an old rusty coat hanger on the ground, as if someone else had locked their keys in their car.

Then she looked at the hanger and said, "I don't know how to use this."

She bowed her head and asked God for help.

An old rusty car pulled up, driven by a dirty, greasy, bearded man with a biker skull rag on his head. The woman thought, "Great God. This is what you sent to help me???" But she was desperate, and thankful.

The man got out of his car and asked if he could help.

She said "Yes, my daughter is very sick. I must get home to her. Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car."

He said, "SURE." He walked over to the car and in seconds the car was opened.

"THANK YOU SO MUCH..... You are a very nice man."

The man replied, "Lady, I ain't a nice man. I just got out of prison for car theft."

The woman hugged the man and cried out loud....

"THANK YOU GOD FOR SENDING ME A PROFESSIONAL!"
 

A man went to visit his doctor. "Doctor, my arm hurts bad. Can you check it out please?", the man pleads.

The doctor rolls up the man's sleeve and suddenly hears the arm talk. "Hello Doctor," says the arm, "could you lend me twenty bucks please? I'm desperate."

The doctor says, "Aha! I see the problem. Your arm is broke!"
 

The elderly priest, speaking to the younger priest, said, "It was a good idea to replace the first four pews with plush bucket theatre seats. It worked like a charm. The front of the church fills first."

The young priest nodded, and the old priest continued, "And you told me a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to church, so I supported you when you brought in that rock 'n roll gospel choir. We are packed to the balcony."

"Thank you, Father," answered the young priest. "I am pleased that you are open to the new ideas of youth."

"Well," said the elderly priest, "I'm afraid you've gone too far with the drive-thru confessional."

"But, Father," protested the young priest, "my confessions have nearly
doubled since I began that!"

"I know, son," replied the elderly priest, "but that flashing neon sign,'Toot 'n Tell or Go To Hell' can't stay on the church roof."

The first Jewish President of the United States calls his mother in Brooklyn, NY. and invites her to come down for Thanksgiving. She says, "I'd like to, but it's so much trouble...I mean, I have to get a cab to the airport, and I hate waiting on Ocean Blvd."

He replies, "Mom! I'm the President! You won't need a cab - I'll send a limousine for you!"

His mother replies, "I know, but then I'll have to get my ticket at the airport, and try to get a seat on the plane, and I hate to sit in the middle... it's just too much trouble."

He replies, "Mom! I'm the President of the United States! I'll send Air Force One for you - it's my private jet!"

To which she replies, "Oh, well, but then when we land, I'll have to carry my luggage through the airport, and try to get a cab... it's really too much trouble at my age.

He replies, "Mom!! I'm the President! I'll send a helicopter for you! You won't have to lift a finger, the Secret Service will handle everything.

She answers, "Yes, that's nice... but, you know, I still need a hotel room, and the rooms are so expensive, and I really don't like hotels..."

Exasperated, he answers, "Mom! I'm the President! You'll stay at the White House in the Lincoln Bedroom! "

She responds, "Well... all right... I guess I'll come."

The next day, she's on the phone with her friend Esther:

Esther: "Hello, Sylvia... so what's new?"

Sylvia: "I'm visiting my son for Thanksgiving!"

Esther: "That wonderful. Which son?"

Sylvia: "You know my son Marvin, the doctor?"

Esther: "Yes."

Sylvia: "It's his brother."
 

The new minister was talking to the oldest parishner in the church.

"I am 97 years old, sir, and I haven't an enemy in the world," said the aged parishner.

"That is a beautiful thought," said the clergyman approvingly.

"Yes, sir," was the answer. "I'm thankful to say that I've outlived them all."
 

The devil, extremely perplexed, walks away to ponder the New Englander's remarks. Then he decides to drop the temperature, send down driving rain and torrential wind. Soon, hell is a wet, muddy mess. Walking in mud up to his knees with dust blowing into his eyes, the New Englander is happily slogging through the mud pushing a wheelbarrow full of crushed rocks. Again, the devil asks how he can be happy in such conditions. The New Englander replies, "This is great! Just like April in New England. It reminds me of working out in the fields with spring planting!"

The devil is now completely baffled. Angry, and desperate to make hell really hell, he tries one last ditch effort. He makes the temperature plummet. Suddenly hell is blanketed in snow and ice. Confident that this will surely make the New Englander unhappy, the devil checks in on the New Englander. He is aghast at what he sees. The New Englander is dancing, singing, and twirling his sledgehammer as he cavorts in glee. "How can you be so happy? Don't you know it's 40 below zero!?" screams the devil. Jumping up and down the New Englander throws a snowball at the devil and yells, "Hell's frozen over!! This means the Patriots won the Superbowl!! (Hmmm, maybe there's something to this!!!)

 

An avid church goer and NASCAR fan died and went to heaven.

Upon entering, this person noticed pro driver Alan Kulwicki's race car, and asked St. Peter about it.

St. Peter said Alan was in heaven and his car was on display.

Walking a little further, the man sees Davey Allison's car. Once again he inquired to St. Peter about it. "Davey Allison is also in heaven. In fact, God's a BIG NASCAR fan, so when drivers die, their race cars get put on display."

Walking further, the individual came upon Jeff Gordon's #24 Chevrolet - the phenomena kid who is breaking every record on the racing circuit. At this sight, the new heaven dweller panicked! "Oh, No! St. Peter - Jeff Gordon is about to win the Championship this year, and you mean to tell me he has just died?"

No, no," St. Peter chuckled, "That's God's car. He lets Jeff use it on weekends."
 

A little boy was afraid of the dark. One night his mother told him to go out to the back porch and bring her the broom.

The little boy turned to his mother and said, "Mama, I don't want to go out there. It's dark."

The mother smiled reassuringly at her son. "You don't have to be afraid of the dark," she explained. "Jesus is out there. He'll look after you and protect you."

The little boy looked at his mother real hard and asked, "Are you sure he's out there?"

"Yes, I'm sure. He is everywhere, and he is always ready to help you when you need him," she said.

The little boy thought about that for a minute and then went to the back door and cracked it a little. Peering out into the darkness, he called, "Jesus? If you're out there, would you please hand me the broom?"
 

There was a tradesman, a painter called Jock, who was very interested in making a penny where he could, so he often would thin down paint to make it go a wee bit further.

As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but eventually the Baptist Church decided to do a big restoration job on the painting of one of their biggest buildings. Jock put in a bid, and because his pricewas so low, he got the job. And so he set to erecting the trestles and setting up the planks, and buying the
paint and, yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with turpentine.

Well, Jock was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly completed when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, and the sky opened, the rain poured down, washing the thinned paint from
all over the church and knocking Jock clear off the scaffold to land on the lawn among the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned and useless paint.

Jock was no fool.He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he
got on his knees and cried: "Oh, God! Forgive me! What should I do?" And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke........

"Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more
 

LETTERS TO THE PASTOR

Dear Pastor,
I know God loves everybody but He never met my
sister.
Yours Sincerely,
Arnold (Age 8)

Dear Pastor,
Please say in your sermon that Peter Peterson
has been a good boy all week. I am Peter
Peterson.
Sincerely,
Pete (Age 9)

Dear Pastor,
My father should be a minister. Every day he
gives us a sermon about something.
Robert (Age 11)

Dear Pastor,
I'm sorry I can't leave more money in the
plate, but my father didn't give me a raise in
my allowance. Could you have a sermon about a
raise in my allowance?
Love,
Patty (Age 10)

Dear Pastor,
My mother is very religious. She goes to play
bingo at church every week even if she has a
cold.
Yours Truly,
Annette (Age 9)

Dear Pastor,
I would like to go to heaven someday because I
know my brother won't be there.
Stephen (Age 8)

Dear Pastor,
I think a lot more people would come to your
church if you moved it to Disneyland.
Loreen (Age 9)

Dear Pastor,
I liked your sermon where you said that good
health is more important then money but I still
want a raise in my allowance.
Sincerely,
Eleanor (Age 12)

Dear Pastor,
Please pray for all the airline pilots. I am
flying to California tomorrow.
Laurie (Age 10)

Dear Pastor,
I hope to go to heaven some day but later than
sooner.
Love,
Ellen (Age 9)

Dear Pastor,
Please say a prayer for our Little League team.
We need God's help or a new pitcher.
Thank You,
Alexander (Age 10)

Dear Pastor,
My father says I should learn the Ten Command-
ments. But I don't think I want to because we
have enough rules in my house.
Joshua (Age 10)

Dear Pastor,
Are there any devils on earth? I think there
may be one in my class.
Carla (Age 10)

Dear Pastor,
I liked your sermon on Sunday. Especially when
it was finished.
Ralph (Age 11)

Dear Pastor,
How does God know the good people from the bad
people? Do you tell Him or does He read about
it in the newspapers?
Sincerely,
Marie (Age 9)

God: "Whew!" I just created 1 24-hour period of alternating light
and darkeness on Earth."

Angel: "What are you going to do now?"

God: "Call it a day."
 

My mother always told me God hears every prayer," says comedian Mary
Armstrong.

"If I'd pray really hard for something and nothing happened," she
would say, "Sometimes God's answer is no."

"But what if God just doesn't answer right away? You could be 42, your needs will have changed, and all of a sudden you look out of your front window one morning and there's a Shetland pony!"
 

When Adam came home in the small hours of the morning, Eve was jealous.

"But in all of creation," Adam reasoned, "there's no one but you and me."

Mollified, Eve snuggled up to him. Still, when he fell asleep, she
very carefully counted his ribs.
 

An impassioned minister was visiting a country church and began his
address with a stirring reminder: "Everybody in this parish is
going to die!"

The evangelist was discomfited to notice a man in the front pew who
was smiling broadly.

"Why are you so amused?" he asked.

I"m not in this parish," replied the man. "I'm just visiting my sister for the weekend."
 

Sol strictly observed Jewish dietary laws. But one day he went to a
restaurant by himslef and noticed roast pig on the menu.

"Just once, I'd like to try it," he said to himself, and placed his
order.

The small pig was brought to his table with an apple in its mouth.

Just then, Sol looked up, and there was a member of his synagogue
staring at him.

"I ordered a baked apple," said Sol innocently, "Who knew how they'd serve it?"
 

A minister decided to do something a little different one Sunday morning.He said "Today, church, I am going to say a single word and you are goingto help me preach. Whatever single word I say, I want you to sing whateverhymn that comes to your mind."

The pastor shouted out, "Cross!"

Immediately the congregation started singing in unison, "The Old Rugged Cross."

The Pastor hollered out, "Grace!"

The congregation began to sing, "Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound."

The Pastor said, "Power!"

The congregation sang, "There is Power in the Blood."

Then the Pastor said, "Sex."

The congregation fell in total silence. Everyone was in shock. They all nervously began to look around at each other afraid to say anything.

Then all of a sudden way from in the back of the church a little old 87 year old grandmother stood up and began to sing........"Precious Memories."
 

The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to, after the worship service, ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building.

Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute.

The substitute wanted to know what to play."Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently. "But you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances."

During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected, and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up."

At that moment, the substitute organist played "The Star-Spangled Banner."

And that is how the substitute became the regular organist!
 

The preacher was preaching with all his might.

The subject was sin, and he was most certainly 'against' sin.

A girl, with a wonderful figure, and not nearly enough clothes to hide much sin, came in late. She strode down the center aisle, close to the front and sat down.

It was plain to the preacher that he had lost the men in his audience to this voluptuous sex-object.

He shook a fist at her and said, "You are the Jezebel the good book tells us about. You have got the minds of every man in this building on evil thoughts. But I am a man of God! You don't affect me, and right now up in Heaven, you fallen woman, Saint Finger is shaking his Peter at you!"
 

Wonder why women get their period every month?

This is how it started...a long, long time ago when Adam and Eve were on Earth, everything was fine until the day she took a bite of the apple.

God got furious and screamed "you will pay this with blood."

Adam said, "please God, don't kill her." God said "no, I won't kill her, she's going to make monthly payments."
 

Offerings had been down the past several Sundays and the preacher decided he had to do something to change the trend.

The next Sunday, as the plate was being passed around he said, "Brothers and Sisters, I don't like to have to do this, but there is a man in the congregation who is having an affair with another parishioner's wife, and if there is not at least $5.00 in the collection plate, I will reveal his name.

"Later, as the preacher counted the money, he found twenty $5.00 bills and a $2.00 bill with a note that read, "Forever hold your peace! I'll have that other $3.00 before sundown!!"
 

Adam and Eve had an ideal marriage.

He didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married, and she didn't have to hear about the way his mother cooked.
 

The poor country pastor was livid when he confronted his wife with the receipt for a $250 dress she had bought.

"How could you do this!" he exclaimed.

"I don't know," she wailed, "I was standing in the store looking at the dress. Then I found myself trying it on. It was like the Devil was whispering to me, 'Gee, you look great in that dress. You should buy it.'"

"Well," the pastor persisted, "You know how to deal with him! Just tell him, "Get behind me, Satan!"

"I did," replied his wife, "but then he said "It looks great from back here, too!"
 

Adam and Eve had an ideal marriage.

He didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married, and she didn't have to hear about the way his mother cooked.
 

A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem.

A small child replied: "They couldn't get a baby-sitter.
 

At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings.

Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs.

Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said, Johnny what is the matter? Little Johnny responded, "I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."

So, a little boy comes home from cheder one day, and his Father asks: "So, nu? What did the Rebbe teach you today?" To which the lad replies; "We learned about our Exodus from Egypt, and how the Israelites built a massive bridge across the Sea of Reeds and loaded it down with massive explosives. After the Israelites crossed the bridge, and the Egyptians were smack in the middle of it, the Israelites blew it up!" Naturally, the father is utterly shocked; "IS THIS WHAT THE REBBE TOUGHT YOU?!!" "Not quite," replied the lad, "but ya sure have heard the crazy story that he did tell us!"
 

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor thy father and thy mother," she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"

Without missing a beat one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."
 

Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents' house.

At bedtime, the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers.

The youngest one began praying at the top of his lungs, "I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE. I PRAY FOR A NEW NINTENDO. I PRAY FOR A NEW VCR..."

His older brother leaned over and nudged the younger brother and said, "Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn't deaf."

To which the little brother replied, "No, but Gramma is!"
 

Two Evil Brothers ***

There were two evil brothers. They were rich, and used their money to keep their ways from the public eye. They even attended the same church, and looked to be perfect Christians.

Then, their pastor retired, and a new one was hired. Not only could he see right through the brothers' deception, but he also spoke well and true, and the church started to swell in numbers.

A fund-raising campaign was started to build a new assembly.

All of a sudden, one of the brothers died. The remaining brother sought out the new pastor the day before the funeral and handed him a check for the amount needed to finish paying for the new building.

"I have only one condition," he said. "At his funeral, you must say my brother was a saint."

The pastor gave his word, and deposited the check.

The next day, at the funeral, the pastor did not hold back. "He was an evil man," he said. "He cheated on his wife and abused his family." After going on in this vein for a small time, he concluded with,"But, compared to his brother, he was a saint."
 

Church signs:

1. CHURCH PARKING - FOR MEMBERS ONLY!
Trespassers will be baptized!

2. "No God - No Peace. Know God - Know Peace."

3. "Free Trip to Heaven. Details Inside!"

4. "Try our Sundays. They are better than Baskin-Robbins."

5. An ad for one Church has a picture of two hands holding stone tablets on which the Ten Commandments are inscribed and a headline that reads, -"For Fast Relief, Take Two Tablets."

6. "People are like tea bags - you have to put them in hot water before you know how strong they are."

7. "Come in and pray today. Beat the Christmas rush."

8. "Fight truth decay - study the Bible daily."

9. "How will you spend eternity - Smoking or Non-Smoking."

10. "Dusty Bibles lead to Dirty Lives."

11. "Come work for the Lord. The work is hard, the hours are long and the pay is low. But the retirement benefits are out of this world."

12. "It is unlikely there'll be a reduction in the wages of sin."

13. "If you're headed in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns."

14. "If you don't like the way you were born, try being born again."

15. "Looking at the way some people live, they ought to obtain eternal fire Insurance soon."

16. "A ch__ch is a church when (U R) in it.

17. "In the dark? Follow the Son."

18. "Running low on faith? Stop in for a fill-up."

THE ETERNAL JEWISH TRUTHS OF YOUR GRANDMOTHER'S TALMUD

* The optimist sees the bagel, the pessimist sees the hole

.* If you can't say something nice, say it in Yiddish.

* It's not who you know, it's who you know had a nose job.

* If it tastes good, it's probably not kosher.

* No one looks good in a yarmulke.

* Who else could have invented the 50 minute hour?

* Never pick your nose in shul; it's the one place you know He's watching.

* Why spoil a good meal with a big tip?

* WASPs leave and never say good-bye. Jews say good-bye and never leave.

* Twenty percent off is a bargain; fifty percent off is a mitzvah.

* Wine needs to breathe, so don't rush through the kiddish.

* Remember, even Sandy Koufax didn't play ball on Yom Kippur.

* There's nothing like a good belch.

* Israel is the land of milk and honey; Florida is the land of milk of magnesia.

* Never pay retail.

* It's always a bad hair day if you're bald.

* No one leaves a Jewish wedding hungry; but then again, no one leaves with a hangover

* The High Holidays have absolutely nothing to do with marijuana.

* And what's so wrong with dry turkey?

* If your name was Lipschitz, you'd change it, too.

* Always leave a little room for the Viennese table.

* Always whisper the names of diseases.

* One mitzvah can change the world; two will just make you tired.

* If you don't eat, it will kill me.

* Anything worth saying is worth repeating a thousand times.

* The most important word to know in any language is sale

.* Where there's smoke, there may be smoked salmon.

* Never take a front-row seat at a bris.

* Prune danish is definitely an acquired taste.

* Next year in Jerusalem. The year after that, how about a nice cruise?

* Never leave a restaurant empty-handed.

* Spring ahead, fall back, winter in Miami Beach.

* The important Jewish holidays are the ones on which alternate-side-of-the-street parking is suspended.

* Before you read the menu, read the prices.

* There comes a time in every man's life when he must stand up and tell his mother he's an adult. This usually happens at around age 45.

* Tsuris is a Yiddish word that means your child is marrying someone who isn't Jewish.

* If you're going to whisper at the movies, make sure it's loud enough for everyone else to hear.

* No meal is complete without leftovers.

* If you have to ask the price, you can't afford it. But if you can afford it, make sure you tell everybody what you paid.

* The only thing more important than a good education is a good parking spot at the mall.

What a wonderful new meaning for ASAP.

"Always Say A Prayer (A.S.A.P.)"
There's work to do,
deadlines to meet,

you've got no time to spare,
but as you hurry and scurry,
always say a prayer.

In the midst of family chaos,
"quality time" is rare.

Do your best;
let God do the rest:
always say a prayer.

It may seem like your worries
are more than you can bear.

Slow down and take a breather
always say a prayer.

God knows how stressful life is;
He wants to ease our cares,

and He'll respond A.S.A.P.;
Always Say A Prayer!

~" Always Say A Prayer" by Lisa Engelhardt~
 

A handyman was working for a Synagogue had asked for a raise and was turned down. He decided to quit and went out to look for work. First he went to a Catholic church and was told that in order to work there he would have to answer one question. The priest asked, "Where was Jesus born"?

The man answered, "Pittsburgh", and was thrown out.

He then went to a Baptist church. The minister told him that in order to get a job there he would have to answer a question. He was asked, "Where was Jesus born"?

The man answered, "Philadelphia". He was tossed out.

Walking away he met the rabbi who was looking for him. The rabbi exclaimed, "The board approved your raise. Please come back immediately".

The man said to the rabbi, "I will come back only if you answer a question. "Where was Jesus born"?

The rabbi says, "Bethlehem".

"Damn", cries the man. "I knew it was in Pennsylvania".
 

The Holy Scripture may have had a different bent if written by
college students:

The Last Supper would have been eaten the next morning - cold,
with stale Coke.

The Ten Commandments would actually be only five - double-spaced,
with wide margins, and written in a large font.

A new edition would be published every two years in order to limit
reselling.

Forbidden fruit would have been eaten because it wasn't cafeteria
food.

Paul's letter to the Romans would become Paul's e-mail to
abuse@romans.gov.

Reason Cain killed Abel: They were roommates.

Reason why Moses and followers walked in the desert for 40 years:
They didn't want to ask for directions and look like freshmen.

Instead of God creating the world in six days and resting on the
seventh, he would have put it off until the night before it was
due and then pulled an all-nighter.

A little boy was overheard praying: "Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it.

I'm having a real good time like I am."
 

Tony, having his second son christened, was much concerned about getting the correct name on the birth certificate.

"Will you please name the baby just as I give it to you?"

"Certainly," answered the minister, "why shouldn't I?"

"Well you see, it's like this," replied Tony. "When I told you I wanted to name my first boy Tom, you wrote on his birth certificate 'Thomas.'

This boy I want to name Jack."
 

A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend.

The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him in front of the service station.

Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump. "Reverend," said the young man, sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip."

The minister chuckled, "I know what you mean. It's the same in my business."
 

THE CHILDREN OF ISRAEL

One afternoon at Mt.Zion Hebrew School,Chaim Goldberg,the new instructor,finished the day's lesson.

It was now time for the usual question and answer period.

"Mr. Goldberg,"announced little Joel,"there's something I can't figure out."

"What's that Joel?" asked Goldberg, with a kindly smile.

"Well accordin'to the Scriptures,the Children of Israel crossed the Red Sea.Right?"

"Right."

"And the Children of Israel beat up the Philistines,right?"

"Of course right."

"And the Children of Israel built the Temple, right?"

"Again, you're right, Joel... Where is this going?"

"And the Children of Israel fought the Egyptians, and the Children of
Israel fought the Romans, and the Children of Israel were always doin'
somethin' important. Right?"

"All that is right, too," agreed Goldberg."So, what's your question,
already?"

"Well, what I really wanna know is this," demanded Joel. "While the
children were doing all these wonderful things,where were all the
grown-ups"?

Rabbi Mendel was one day walking along a very narrow street, whenhe came face to face with a rival Rabbi.

The street was too narrow for the two to pass.

The rival, pulling himself up to his full height, said haughtily:
. . . "I never make way for fools "

Smiling, Rabbi Mendel stepped aside and said, . . ."I always do."

 

An old preacher was dying. He sent a message for his doctor and his
lawyer, both church members, to come to his home. When they arrived, theywere ushered up to his bedroom.

As they entered the room the preacher held out his hands and motioned forthem to sit, one on each side of his bed. The preacher grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled and stared at the ceiling.

For a time, no one said anything. Both the doctor and lawyer were touched and flattered that the preacher would ask them to be with him during his final moments.

They were also puzzled; the preacher had never given them any indicationthat he particularly liked either of them. They both remembered his manylong, uncomfortable sermons about greed, covetousness and avariciousbehavior that made them squirm in their seats.

Finally, the doctor said, "Preacher, why did you ask us to come?"

The old preacher mustered up his strength, then said weakly, "Jesus diedbetween two thieves and that's how I want to go."
 

MOSES AND HIS COMPUTER ...a dialogue between Moses and you know who!

Excuse me, Sir."

"Is that you again, Moses?"

"I'm afraid it is, Sir."

"What is it this time, Moses. More computer problems?"

"How did you guess?"

"I don't have to guess, Moses. Remember?"

"Oh, yeah. I forgot."

"Tell me what you want, Moses."

"But you already know. Remember?"

"Moses!"

"Sorry, Sir."

"Well, go ahead, Moses. Spit it out."

"Well, I have a question, Sir. You know those 'ten things' you sent me?"

"You mean the Commandments, Moses?""That's it. I was wondering if they were important."

"What do you mean 'were important,' Moses? Of course, they're important. Otherwise I wouldn't have sent them to you."

"Well, sorry, but I lost them. I could say the dog ate them, but of course you would see right through that."

What do you mean 'you lost them'? Are you trying to tell me you didn't save them, Moses?"

"No, Sir. I forgot."

"You should always save, Moses."

"Yeah, I know. You told me that before. I was going to, but I forgot. I did send them to some people before I lost them though."

"And did you hear back from any of them?"

"You already know I did. What about the one guy who said he never uses 'shalt not'? Can he change the words a little bit?"

"Yes, Moses. As long as he doesn't change the meaning."

"And what about the guy who thought your stance was a little harsh, and recommended calling them the 'Ten Suggestions,' or letting people pick one or two to try for a while?"

"Moses, I'll act like I didn't hear that."

"I think that means 'no.' Well, what about the guy who said I was scamming him?"

"I think the term is 'spamming,' Moses."

"Oh, yeah. I E-mailed him back and told him I don't even eat that stuff, and I have no idea how you can send it to someone through a computer."

"And what did he say?"

"You know what he said. He used Your name in vain.

You don't think he might have sent me one of those -- er --plagues, and that's the reason I lost those ten things, do you?"

"They're called 'viruses,' Moses."

"Whatever! This computer stuff is just too much for me. Can we just go back to those stone tablets? It was hard on my back taking them out and reading them each day, but at least I never lost them."

"We'll do it the new way, Moses."

"I was afraid you would say that, Sir."

"Moses, what did I tell you to do if you messed up?"

"You told me to hold up this rat and stretch it out toward the computer."

"It's a mouse, Moses. Mouse! Mouse! And did you do that?"

"No, I decided to try the technical support first.After all, who knows more about this stuff than you, and I really like your hours. By the way, Sir, did Noah have two of these mice on the ark?"

"No, Moses."

"One other thing. Why didn't you name them 'frogs' instead of 'mice,' because didn't you tell me the thing they sit on is a pad?"

"I didn't name them, Moses. Man did, and you can call yours a frog if you want to."

"Oh, that explains it. Kind of like Adam, huh, sir? I bet some woman told him to call it a mouse. After all, wasn't it a woman who named one of the computers Apple?"

"Say good night, Moses."

"Wait a minute, sir. I am stretching out the mouse, and it seems to be working. Yes, a couple of the 'ten things' have come back."

"Which ones are they, Moses?"

"Let's see. 'Thou shalt not steal from any grave an image' and 'Thou shalt not uncover thy neighbor's wife.'"

"Turn the computer off, Moses. I'm sending you another set of stone tablets."
 

Two rabbinical students were caught by the Rabbi gambling
and drinking in the company of undesirable characters -- even
before the sun set on the evening of the Sabbath. The Rabbi
called them into his study the next day. Both confessed to
having given in to weakness, and admitted that they deserved
punishment. The Rabbi thought and then went into his kitchen
and brought back two bags of dried peas. "Put these in your
shoes," he told them, "and walk on them for a week, to remind
yourself how hard life can be when you turn away from the Law."

A few days later the two students met. One was limping terribly,
had dark circles under his eyes, and looked very tired. The other
seemed much as he had been the week before.

"Hey," said the first. "How is it that you are walking so freely.
Didn't you do as the Rabbi told us and put the peas in your
shoes."

"Of course I did," said the other. "How could I disobey the
Rabbi?" He started to walk away, paused and then said "But I
boiled them first."

 

A man attended a Billy Graham Crusade. When the very emotional sermon was over, Reverend Graham asked those

who'd been moved by the Lord to come forward.

The man had really been taken by the sermon and cameforward to shake hands with Graham.

When the man got to the Reverend, Graham held his hands up, grabbed the microphone, stopped the music,and waved for silence. "My dear man, who put those clothes on your body?"

The man replied, "The Lord did!"

"AMEN" shouted the congregation.

"My good man, who put food on your table?"

"The good Lord did, Reverend!" the man shouted.

"AMEN! Hallelujah!" the crowd roared in response.

"My good fellow, who put that smile on your face and a rosey look to your cheeks?"

"Reverend, it was the Lord!"

"PRAISE GOD!" the crowd cheered.

Reverend Graham again raised his hands and called for silence. "Now, kind sir, what did the Devil ever do for you?"

The man thought for a second. "Nothing. F*ck him."

 

The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel microphone, and
as he preached, he moved briskly about the platform, jerking the mike cord as he went. Then he moved to one side, getting wound up in the cord and nearly tripping before jerking it again.

After several circles and jerks, a little girl in the third pew leaned toward her mother and whispered, "If he gets loose, will he hurt us?"

 

Just then, a man checked out. The woman then exclaimed, "Good, now you have a room."

"Sorry",the man behind the counter replied,"this hotel is restricted."

"And what does that mean?" she asked him. "Jews aren't allowed
here!"

"Well what makes you think I'm Jewish?" she shot back.

"I know you are!"

"Well, I'm not! I'm a Catholic! " she insisted.

"So tell me, " the man replied, "Did God have a son?"

"Sure."

"What was his name?"

"Jesus."

"And where was he born?"

"In Bethlehem, in a stable."

"And WHY was he born there?"

"Because a schmuck like you wouldn't rent his parents a room!"

 

Three Pastors were having lunch together at a diner. The first Pastor said, "Ya know, since summer started I've been having trouble with mice in my church. I've tried everything--noise, spray, cats--nothing seems to scare them away.

The second Pastor then said "Yea, me too. I've got hundreds living in the basement of the church. I've set traps and even called an expert to get rid of them, yet they still won't go away."

With a grin on his face, the third Pastor said, "I had the same
problem so I baptized all mine and made them members of the church... Haven't seen one back since!!!"

 

Kevin was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday School.

"Well, mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt. When he got to the Red Sea he had his engineers build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely. Then he used his cell phone to call headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and save the Israelites."

"Now, Keviin, is that really what your teacher taught you?" his mother asked.

"Well, no, mom, but if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it."

 

Lets play: So you wouldn't mind being a Kosher Millionaire.

For $500
Who is Israel's favorite Internet provider?
NetanYahoo.

For $1,000
What is the name of a facial lotion made for Jewish women?
Oil of Oy Vey.

For $2,000
What is the title of the new horror film for Jewish women?
Debbie Does Dishes.

For $4,000
What is the technical term for a divorced Jewish Woman?
The "Plaintiff."

For $8,000
How does a Jewish kid verbally abuse his playmates?
"Your Mother pays retail."

For $16,000
In the Jewish doctrine, when does the fetus become human?
When it graduates from medical school.

For $32,000
What does a Jewish women do to keep her hands soft and her nails
long and beautiful?
Nothing, she does nothing at all.

For $64,000
Define "Genius".
A "C" student with a Jewish mother.

For $125,000
What do you call a bloodthirsty Jew on a rampage?
Genghis Cohen.

For $250,000
Why did the Moyel retire?
He just couldn't cut it anymore.

For $500,000
If Tarzan and Jane where Jewish, what would Cheetah be.
A fur coat.

For $1,000,000
What is the difference between a Jewish Grandmother and an Italian
Grandmother?
10 lbs

A burglar entered the house of a Quaker and proceeded to rob it. The Quaker heard the noise and took his shotgun downstairs.

Upon finding the burglar he aimed his gun and said gently, "Friend, I mean thee no harm, but thou standest where I am about to shoot."

It was the first Sunday School class since the summer break. The
preschool class was edgy. The teacher started by asking all the little ones, "Who wants to go to heaven, and live with Jesus?"

Everyone raised their hand except one small girl. She sat quietly until all hand were lowered, then proclaimed almost defiantly, "I want Jesus to come here and live with me!"

 

A cantor, the man who sings the prayers at a synagogue, brags before his congregation in a booming, bellowing voice, "two years ago I insured my voice with Lloyds of London for $750,000."

There is a hushed and awed silence in the crowded room. Suddenly, from the back of the room, the quiet, nasal voice of an elderly woman is heard, "So vat did you do with the money?"

You can't fool the kids in Sunday school; they are way too smart....

"If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale, and gave all my money to the church, would I get into heaven? I asked the children from my Sunday school class.

"NO!" All the children answered.

"If I cleaned the church everyday, mowed the lawn, and kept everything neat and tidy, would I get into heaven?"

Again the answer was, "NO!"

"Well", I continued, "then how can I get to heaven?"

A five-year-old boy shouted, "You gotta be dead!"
 

Moisha Rabinowitz in the late 1930s fled his native land of Germany. He sold all his assets and converted it to gold and then had 5 sets of solid gold false teeth made.

When he arrived in New York the customs official was perplexed as to why anybody would have 5 sets of gold teeth. So Moisha explained.

"We Orthodox Jews have two separate sets of dishes for meat products and dairy products but I am so kosher and religious I also have separate sets of teeth."

The customs official shook his head and said, "Well that accounts for two sets of teeth. What about the other three?"

Moisha then said "Vell us very religious Orthodox Jews use separate dishes for Passover, but I am so religious I have separate teeth, one for meat and one for dairy food.

The customs official slapped his head and then said,"You must be a very religious man with separate teeth for food and dairy products and likewise for Passover. That accounts for four sets of teeth. What about the fifth set?"

"Vell to tell you the truth, once in a while I like a ham sandwich."

A clergyman walking down a country lane saw a young man struggling
to load a cartload of hay back onto a cart one windy day.

Noticing that the young man was panting and working at his chore
as fast as he could, he walked up to him and said, "My dear boy,
why don't you take a few moments to rest with me, and then I can
help you load your hay?"

The young man responded, "No, my dad would get really mad at me!"

The clergy said, "Don't be silly, your dad won't mind, and everyone is entitled to a break!"

Again the young man told him that his dad would be upset. Losing
his patience, the clergy said sharply, "Your father must be a real
slave-driver! Tell me where he is and I'm going to give him a
piece of my mind!"

The young man said, "He got buried under this here pile of hay!!"

 

Religous Thoughts

1. Some people are kind, polite, and sweet-spirited-until you try to sit in their pews.

2. Many folks want to serve God, but only as advisers.

3. It is easier to preach ten sermons than it is to live one.

4. The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose, but
mosquitoes come close.

5. When you get to your wit's end, you'll find God lives there.

6. People are funny, they want the front of the bus, the middle of the road, and the back of the church.

7. Opportunity may knock once, but temptation bangs on your front
door forever.

8. Quit griping about your church; if it was perfect, you couldn't
belong.

9. The phrase that is guaranteed to wake up an audience: "And in
conclusion."

10. If the church wants a better pastor, it only needs to pray for the one it has.

11. Not only are the sins of the fathers visited upon the children, but nowadays the sins of the children are visited upon the fathers.

12. God Himself does not propose to judge a man until he is dead. So why should you?

13. To make a long story short, don't tell it.

14. If your left hand doesn't know what your right hand is doing, you should consider running for a job in Washington, DC.

15. Some minds are like concrete, thoroughly mixed up and permanently set.

16. Peace starts with a smile.

17. I don't know why some people change churches; what difference does it make which one you stay home from?

18. A lot of church members who are singing "Standing on the Promises" are just sitting on the premises.

19. We were called to be witnesses, not lawyers or judges.

20. Outside of traffic, there is nothing that holds this country back as much as committees.

BIBLICAL SPORT

Baseball was a well-established sport even in biblical times.:

Genesis 1:1 ... "In the big inning"

Genesis 24: ... 15,16 "Rebekah went to the well with a pitcher"

Numbers 11:32 ... "ten homers"

Second Kings 25:16 ... "and the bases which Solomon had made"

Psalms 19:12 ... "Who can understand his errors?"

Psalms 26:1 ... "1 have trusted, therefore, I shall not slide."

Jeremiah 15:7 ... "And I will fan them"

Ezekiel 36:12 ... "Yea, I will cause men to walk"

Luke 17:17 ... "but where are the nine?"

Galatians 5:7 ... "Ye did run well"

 

THE MINISTER'S NEW DENTURES!

The minister had just had all of his remaining teeth pulled and new
dentures were being made.

The first Sunday after the surgery, he only preached for 10 minutes.

The second Sunday, he preached only 20 minutes.

But, on the third Sunday he preached for 1 hour 25 minutes.

When asked about this by some of the congregation, he responded this way:"The first Sunday, my gums were so sore it hurt to talk. The second Sunday,my dentures were hurting a lot.The third Sunday, I accidentally grabbed my wife's dentures and I couldn't stop talking!"

A man dies and finds himself in a small room that has a couch and
TV set in it. There's another fellow sitting on the couch watching
TV.

The new arrival asks the man on the couch, "So, is this heaven or hell?"

The man looks up and says, "Well, there's no windows or doors, and
no apparent way out."

"Oh," says the first guy. "So it's hell?"

"Well," says the other guy, without looking up from the screen, "but they did give us this nice big TV set."

"I see. So maybe it's heaven?"

"Yeah, but the TV has only one channel."

"Oh, so maybe it's hell?"

"Well, but the TV station it gets is pretty good--it's PBS."

"Oh, so maybe it is heaven after all?"

"Yeah, except for one thing," the other fellow says, sadly. "It's
ALWAYS pledge week."

A Jewish woman goes to see the rabbi; she complains about her heavy headaches. She whines, cries, and talks about her poor living conditions for hours. All of a sudden, she shouts, overjoyed: "Rabbi, your holy presence has cured me! My headache is gone!"

To which the rabbi replies: "No madam, It is not gone. I have it now."


 

This is a compilation of actual Church Bulletins and Service bloopers...

Our next song is "Angels We Have Heard Get High".

Don't let worry kill you -- let the church help.

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

Weight Watchers will meet a 7 p.m. at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

Jean will be leading a weight-management series Wednesday nights. She's used the program herself and has been growing like crazy!

The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs... Julius Belzer.

This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.

Tuesday at 4:00 p.m. there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.

This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.

The service will close with Little Drops of Water. One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.

Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the carpet should come forward and do so.

The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They can be seen in the church basement Saturday.

Thursday night--Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.

Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when A. B. Doe supplied our pulpit.

The Rev. Adams spoke briefly, much to the delight of his audience.

The church is glad to have with us today as our guest minister the Rev. Shirley Green, who has Mrs. Green with him. After the service we request that all remain in the sanctuary for the Hanging of the Greens.

The eighth graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet" in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

The 1991 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11

Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.

Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan in preparing for the girth of their first child.

Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

 

A devoutly Christian couple felt it important to own an equally
Christian pet. So, after careful inquiry, they went shopping at
a kennel specializing in Christian dogs. They found a dog they
liked quite a lot.

When they asked the dog to fetch the Bible, he did it in a
flash. When they instructed him to look up Psalm 23, he
complied eagerly, using his paws with dexterity. They were so
impressed they immediately purchased the dog.

That night they had friends over. They were so proud of their
new Christian dog and his religious skills, they called the
dog and began showing him off. The friends were impressed, and
asked whether the dog was able to do any of the usual dog
tricks, as well. This stopped the couple cold, as they hadn't
thought about "normal" tricks.

"Well," they said, "let's find out."

Once more they called the dog, and they clearly pronounced the
command, "Heel!"

Quick as a wink, the dog jumped up, put his paw on the guest's
forehead, closed his eyes, and began to pray.

 

A priest and a rabbi are discussing the pros and cons of their various religions, and inevitably the discussion turns to repentance. The rabbi explains Yom Kippur, the solemn Day of Atonement, a day of fasting and penitence, while the priest tells him all about Lent, and its 40 days of self-denial and absolution from sins.

After the discussion ends, the rabbi goes home to tell his wife about the conversation, and they discuss the merits of Lent versus Yom Kippur.

She turns her head and laughs.

The rabbi says, "What's so funny, dear?"

Her response, "40 days of Lent - one day of Yom Kippur...so,even when it comes to sin, the goyyem pay retail!"

 

GOING DOWN:

As the storm raged, the captain realized his ship was sinking fast. He called out, "Anyone here know how to pray?"

One man stepped forward. "Aye, Captain, I know how to pray."

"Good," said the captain, "you pray while the rest of us put on our life jackets - we're one short."

 

TOP TEN THINGS YOU NEVER HEAR IN CHURCH...

10. Hey! It's my turn to sit in the front pew.

9. I was so enthralled, I never noticed your sermon went 25 minutes over time.

8. Personally I find witnessing much more enjoyable than golf.

7. I've decided to give our church the $500 a month I used to send to TV evangelists.

6. I volunteer to be the permanent teacher for the Junior High Sunday School class.

5. Forget the denominational minimum salary, let's pay our pastor so he can live like we do.

4. I love it when we sing hymns I've never heard before!

3. Since we're all here, let's start the service early.

2. Pastor, we'd like to send you to this Bible seminar in the Bahamas.

1. Nothing inspires me and strengthens my commitment like our annual stewardship campaign!
 

A Jew, a Christian and a Muslim were having a discussion about who was the most religious.(Now that in itself could be the joke - but it's not

"I was riding my camel in the middle of the Sahara," exclaimed the Muslim. Suddenly a fierce sandstorm appeared from nowhere. I truly thought my end had come as I lay next to my camel while we were being buried deeper and deeper under the sand. But I did not lose my faith in the Almighty Allah, I prayed and prayed and suddenly, for a hundred meters all around me, the storm had stopped. Since that day I am a devout Muslim and am now learning to recite the Koran by memory."

"One day while fishing," started the Christian," I was in my little dinghy in the middle of the ocean. Suddenly a fierce storm appeared from nowhere. I truly thought my end had come as my little dinghy was tossed up and down in the rough ocean. But I did not lose my faith in Jesus Christ, I prayed and prayed and suddenly, for 300 meters all around me, the storm hadstopped. Since that day I am a devout Christian and am now teaching young children about Him."

"One day I was walking down the road," explained the Jew," I was in my most expensive designer outfit in the middle of New York city. Suddenly I saw a black bag on the ground in front of me appear from nowhere. I put my hand inside and found a million dollars in cash. I truly thought my end had come as it was a Saturday and we are not allowed to handle money on Saturdays. But I did not lose my faith in Jehovah, I prayed and prayed and suddenly, for 500 feet all around me, it was Tuesday!"
 

A couple made a deal that who ever died first would come back and inform  the  other of the after life. The woman's biggest fear was that there was no heaven. After a long life the husband was the first to go and true to his word he made contact.

"Mary... Mary.... "

"Is that you Fred?"

"Yes, I have come back like we agreed."

"What is it like?"

"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex, I have breakfast, Ihave sex,  I bathe in the sun, then I have sex-twice, I have lunch, then sex pretty much all afternoon - supper - then sex till late at night, sleep, then start  all over again."

"Oh Fred you surely must be in heaven."

"Hell no, I'm a rabbit in Kansas."
 

After consulting the Bible, the priest says, "My son, after an exhaustive search, I am positive that sex is work and is therefore not permitted on Sundays."

The man thinks: "What does a priest know about sex?" So he goes to a minister, who after all is a married man and experienced in this matter. He queries the minister and receives the same reply.

"Sex is work and therefore not for the Sabbath!"

Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out a Rabbi, a man of thousands of years tradition and knowledge. The Rabbi ponders the question, then states, " My son, sex is definitely play."

The man replies, "Rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others tell me sex is work?"

The Rabbi softly speaks, "My son, if sex were work, my wife would have the maid do it."

Poor Johnson had spent his life making wrong decisions. If he bet ona horse,it would lose; if he chose one elevator rather than another,it was the one he chose that stalled between floors; the line he picked before the bank teller's cage never moved;the lane he chose in traffic crawled;the day he picked the picnic was the day of a cloudburst;and so it went,day after day,year after year.

Then,once,it became necessary for Johnson to travel to some city a thousand miles away and do it quickly. A plane was the only possible conveyance that would get him there in time, and it
turned out that only one company supplied only one flight that
would do.His heart bounded. There was no choiceto make!And if he made no choice, surely he could come to no grief.

He took the plane.

Imagine his horror when,midway in the flight,the plane's engines caught fire and it became obvious the plane would crash in moments.

Johnson broke into fervent prayer to his favorite saint , Saint Francis.He pleaded,"I have never in my life made the right choice.Why this should be,I don't know,but I have borne my cross and have not complained. On this occasion, however,I did not make a choice; this was the only plane I could take and I had to take it. Why, then, am I being punished?"

He had no sooner finished when a giant hand swooped down out of the clouds and somehow snatched him from the plane. There he was, miraculously suspended two miles above the earth's surface, while the plane spiraled downward far below.

A heavenly voice came down from the clouds."My son, I can save you,if you have in truth called upon me."

"Yes,I called on you," cried Johnson."I called on you,Saint Francis!"

"Ah,"said the heavenly voice,"Saint Francis Xavier or Saint Francis of Assisi.Which?"

 

PSALM 23 FOR THE CYBER-AGE

The Lord is my programmer, I shall not crash.

He installed his software on the hard disk of my heart; all of His
commands are user-friendly.

His directory guides me to the right choices for His name's sake.

Even though I scroll through the problems of life, I will fear no bugs,for He is my backup. His password protects me. He prepares a menu before me in the presence of my enemies.

His help is only a keystroke away.

Surely goodness and mercy will follow me all the days of my life, and my file will be merged with His and saved forever.

Amen.

 

The effect of TV advertising on young viewers can be gauged from this version of part of the Lord's Prayer, as rendered by a small boy:

"Give us this day our oven fresh, slow baked, vitamin enriched, protein packed, nourishing, delicious, wholemeal daily bread."

 

There are three religious truths:

1.Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.

2.Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the
Christian faith.

3.Baptist do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at
Hooters.

Here's a list of all variations of the "God Speaks" billboards.
The billboards are a simple black background with white text. No
fine print or sponsoring organization is included. These are
awesome...enjoy.

Tell the kids I love them.
-God

Let's meet at my house Sunday before the game.
-God

C'mon over and bring the kids.
-God

What part of "Thou Shalt Not..." didn't you understand?
-God

We need to talk.
-God

Keep using my name in vain, I'll make rush hour longer.
-God

Loved the wedding, invite me to the marriage.
-God

That "Love Thy Neighbor" thing... I meant it.
-God

I love you and you and you and you and...
-God

Will the road you're on get you to my place?
-God

Follow me.
-God

My way is the highway.
-God

Need directions?
-God

You think it's hot here?
-God

Have you read my #1 best seller? There will be a test.
-God

Do you have any idea where you're going?
-God

Don't make me come down there.
-God

 

The preacher said: "There's no such thing as a perfect man.
Anybody present who has ever known a perfect man, stand up."

Nobody stood up.

"Those who have ever known a perfect woman, stand up."

One demure little woman stood up.

"Did you ever know an absolutely perfect woman?" he asked, somewhat amazed.

"I didn't know her personally," replied the little old woman, "but I have heard a great deal about her. She was my husband's first wife."

 

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Many of you are familiar with the childhood prayer "Now I lay me down to sleep," but I was little surprised to learn that it is a shortened version of an Old English prayer, which goes like this:

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Jewish Sons

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Finding Jesus

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Believe it or not, the following announcements actually appeared in various church bulletins.

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Hymn #365

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First Time at a Unitarian Service

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Baby Blues

BIBLICAL BUMPER SNICKERS

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Personal Ad:

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Theological debate

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Sunday School

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"How did the wedding go?"

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Ten Signs Your In For A Long Sermon

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The New Pastor

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Miss Bea

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During a recent ecumenical gathering, a secretary rushed in shouting, "The building is on fire!"

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There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black:

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The Athiest

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Ready for Lent?

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A Catholic Priest, a Protestant Minister and a Rabbi are
discussing the question of: "When does life begin."

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Signs seen near church

The following are actual signs found on church property.

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TRADITION

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Preaching

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The Chandelier
===============

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Soldiers In Heaven

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What Am I

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Eight Year Old Explains God

Written by Danny Dutton,Age 8,Chula Vista,CA, 3rd grade homework assignment:

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FORGIVENESS

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Lengthy Sermon

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TOP TEN COMPLAINTS FROM BIBLICAL MOTHERS OR WIVES
By Grant MacDonald

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Appropriate Hymns for All Folks

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Actual Personals From Jewish Newspapers

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Question:

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Ten Things You’ll Probably Never Hear in Church

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QUESTION:

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QUESTION:

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SIGN ON A CHURCH BULLETIN BOARD:

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TEN THINGS NEVER HEARD IN A CHURCH:

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Hymns for all

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Stories From Church School