So Clinton goes into a whorehouse and approaches a blonde. He asks "How much?" Her reply "Anything you want for as long as you want $25.00." Clinton then approaches the brunette-her reply $50.00. Finally, he approaches the redhead. Her reply " Mr. Present, if you can raise my skirt as high as your taxes, and lower your pants as low as my wages, then Mr. President, it won't cost you a fucking thing!"
Bill Clinton's Clock
A guy dies and goes to heaven. It's a slow day for St. Peter, so, upon passing the entrance test, St. Peter says "I'm not very busy today, why don't you let me show you around?"
The guy thinks this is a great idea and graciously accepts the offer. St. Peter shows him all the sights, the golf course, the reading room and library, the observation room, the cafeteria and finally, they come to a HUGE room full of clocks.
The guy asks, "What's up with these clocks?"
St. Peter explains, "Everyone on earth has a clock that shows how much time he has left on earth. When a clock runs out of time, the person dies and comes to the Gates to be judged."
The guy thinks this makes sense but notices that some of the clocks are going faster than others. He asks why is that?
St. Peter explains, "Every time a living person tells a lie, it speeds his clock."
This also makes sense, so the guy takes one last look around the room before leaving and notices one clock in the center of the ceiling. On this clock, both hands are spinning at an unbelievable rate. So he asks, "What's the story with that clock?"
"Oh, that," St. Peter replies, "That's Bill Clinton's clock. We decided to use it as a fan."
During Bobby's class the teacher says,"OK, if anyone can answer one question about any President then you can go home early.
" So she begins asking,"Who was the sixteenth President?"
Bobby raises his hand, but a young girl immediately answers,"Abraham Lincoln.", and she goes home.
Then the teacher asks another question,"Who was president in 1987?"
Bobby raising is hand again, but he is ignored once more and another girl answers," Ronald Reagan.
" Now Bobby is mad. Out of anger he says, "Why won't these damn girls keep there mouths shut!"
The teacher turns around and asks, "Who said that!?"
Bobby raises his hand and says, " Bill Clinton during the Monica Lewinski trail".
A reporter once remarked to George W. Bush: "If you win the Presidential election that will put the Bush legacy back into the oval office."
"Knowing Bill Clinton," replied George. "Bush never left the office."
Bill Clinton and George W. Bush went out to lunch. When the time came to order, Bush, looking at the menu, said to the waitress 'Err, give me a quickie, please.' Shocked, the waitress replied, pointing at Clinton, 'I thought HE was bad but this is just outrageous!' and stormed off. Both of them were a bit puzzled until finally Clinton looked at the menu and realised what happened. 'George,' he explained, 'I think that's pronounced quiche.'
APPLICATION TO LIVE IN ARKANSAS
STATE OF ARKANSAS
BILL CLINTON, GOVERNOR
NAME_____________ NICKNAME__________________ C.B. HANDLE_____________
ADDRESS:_______________________________________
DADDY (IF UNKNOWN ATTACH LIST OF THREE SUSPECTS):_____________________
NECK SIZE:____( )LT RED ( )MEDIUM RED ( ) DARK RED ( )OTHER__________
NUMBER OF TEETH EXPOSED IN FULL GRIN:____ UPPER:_____
MAKE OF PICKUP:________SIZE OF TIRES:_______________
HOUNDS:__TYPE: ( ) BLUE TICK ( )BEAGLE ( )BLACK AND TAN ( ) OTHER____
LENGTH OF RIGHT LEG:______ LENGTH OF LEFT LEG:________
HOW MANY CARS/MAKES IN FRONT YARD:_________ HOW MANY ON BLOCKS:____
HOW MANY KITCHEN APPLIANCES ON FRONT PORCH:____BACK PORCH:____
WHEN AND WHERE WAS YOUR LAST ELVIS SIGHTING:_______________
DO YOU WEAR MOSTLY POLYESTER PANTS: ( ) YES ( ) NO
DO YOU OWN ANY SHOES (NOT BOOTS!!): ( ) YES ( ) NO
ARE YOU MARRIED TO ANY OF THE FOLLOWING (CIRCLE ALL THAT APPLY)
SISTER COUSIN COUSIN'S SISTER AUNT OTHER(EXPLAIN)_____
DOES YOUR WIFE WEIGH MORE THAN YOUR PICKUP: ( ) YES ( ) NO
CAN YOU SPELL YOUR NAME AND ALWAYS SPELL IT RIGHT: ( ) YES ( ) NO
HAVE YOU EVER HAD MORE THAN ONE BATH IN A WEEK: ( ) YES ( ) NO
EXPLAIN________________________________________________
MEDICAL INFORMATION
DO YOU HAVE AT LEAST TWO (2) OF THE FOLLOWING:
BODY ORDER ( ) CRABS ( ) BAD BREATH ( ) SCABIES ( ) FLIES ( )
TICKS ( ) CROSSED EYES ( ) RUNNY NOSE ( ) GREEN TEETH ( )
BROWN TEETH ( ) YELLOW TEETH ( ) ANY TEETH ( )
# OF TEETH MISSING____________
GENERAL INFORMATION
CAN YOU COUNT PAST TEN WITH YOUR SHOES ON: ( ) YES ( ) NO
FAVORITE WEAPON: ( ) TIRE IRON ( ) PICK HANDLE ( )CHAIR LEG
( )SHOTGUN
FAVORITE PASTTIME: ( ) DRINKIN' ( ) COON HUNTIN' ( ) FISHIN' ( )OTHER
TRUCK EQUIPED WITH: ( ) GUN RACK ( ) FUZZBUSTER ( ) 8-TRACK
( ) REBEL FLAG ( ) ROLL BAR ( ) C.B. RADIO ( )BEER CANS
( ) SQUIRREL TAIL
FAVORITE VOCALISTS: ( ) WILLIE NELSON ( ) JOHNNY CASH ( ) ELVIS
( ) CONWAY TWITTY ( ) LORETTA LYNN
CAP EMBLEM: ( ) JOHN DEERE ( ) CAT ( )SKOAL ( ) BUDWEISER
( )JACK DANIELS
MEMBERSHIPS: ( ) NRA ( )KKK ( ) 700 CLUB ( ) S.P.O.E.
SIGNED:____________ DATED:__________________
STATE OF ARKANSAS
BILL CLINTON, GOVERNOR
Dear Mom and Dad:
It has been six months since I left for college. I'm sorry I haven't written more often and I'm very sorry for my unthoughtfulness. I'm sure you have been worried about me.
Let me bring you up to date, but before you read on, please sit down Ok? Don't read any further unless you're sitting down.
Ok? Good.
I am getting along pretty well now. The skull fracture and the concussion I got from jumping out of the window of my dormitory when it caught on fire several months ago, are pretty much healed now. I only spent two weeks in the hospital! Mom always said the girls in our family heal fast.
In fact, I can almost see normally again and I only get headaches three times a day now.
Fortunately, the fire in the dormitory and my jump were witnessed by a gas station attendant who immediately called 911. He's so sweet. He even visited me in the hospital, and since I had nowhere to live because of the burnt-out dorm, he was kind enough to invite me to share his apartment with him. It's really a basement room, but it's kind of cute.
He really is a good person with a kind heart. We have fallen deeply in love and are planning to get married. We haven't set the exact date yet, but I'm sure that it will be before I start to show.
That's right, Mom and Dad, I'm pregnant! I know how much you are looking forward to being grandparents, and I know that you will give that baby the same love, devotion and tender care you gave me when I was growing up.
We would get married now, but we both failed our premarital blood
tests because of some minor infection. He told me about it beforehand, but dumb me, I carelessly caught it anyway. Not to worry though, the doctor said my daily penicillin injections should clear it up by next month.
I know you will welcome him into our family with open arms. He is kind, and although not well educated, he is ambitious -- just like Dad!
Also, he is of a different race and religion than ours, but I know, after all your years of teaching me tolerance, that you won't mind the fact that he is somewhat darker than we are. I'm sure you will love him as I do. His family background is good too! I am told that his father is an important gun bearer in his native African village. That's an important government position where he comes from.
Well, I guess that's all! Now you know why I wanted you to sit down when you read this letter.
Now that I've brought you up to date, I just wanted to let you know there was no dormitory fire, I didn't suffer a concussion or a skull fracture, I wasn't in the hospital, I'm not pregnant, I'm not engaged, I don't have syphilis and there is no boyfriend of
another race or religion in my life; however, I DID vote for Gov. Bush,
and I just wanted you both to see this in its proper perspective.
Your loving daughter,
-Chelsea
P.S. Stanford is great... I love it, though I miss you both terribly...and Socks, too!
P.P.S. Dad, please give my best to Monica and the others.
ClintonClinton's Testimony - Dr. Seuss Style
I did not do it in a car
I did not do it in a bar
I did not do it in the dark
I did not do it in the park
I did not do it on a date
I did not ever fornicate
I did not do it at a dance
I did not do it in her pants
I did not get beyond first base
I did not do it in her face
I never did it in a bed
If you think that, you've been misled
I did not do it with a groan
I did not do it on the phone
I did not cause her dress to stain
I never boinked Saddam Hussein
I did not do it with a whip
I never fondled Linda Tripp
I never acted really silly
With volunteers like Kathleen Willey
There was one time, with Margaret Thatcher
I chased her 'round, but could not catch her
No kinky stuff, not on your life
I wouldn't, even with my wife
And Gennifer Flowers' tale of woes
Was paid for by my right-wing foes
And Paula Jones, and those State Troopers
Are just a bunch of party poopers
I did not ask my friends to lie
I did not hang them out to dry
I did not do it last November
But if I did, I don't remember
I did not do it in the hall
I could have, but I don't recall
I never did it in my study
I never did it with my dog, Buddy
I never did it to Sox, the cat
I might have-once-with Arafat
I never did it in a hurry
I never groped Ms. Betty Currie
There was no sex at Arlington
There was no sex on Air Force One
I might have copped a little feel
And then endeavored to conceal
But never did these things so lewd
At least, not ever in the nude
These things to which I have confessed
They do not count, if we stayed dressed
It never happened with cigar
I never dated Mrs. Starr
I did not know this little sin
Would be retold on CNN
I broke some rules my Mama taught me
I tried to hide, but now you've caught me
But I implore, I do beseech
Do not condemn, do not impeach
I might have got a little tail
But never, never did inhale
President Clinton died and knocked at the Pearly Gates.
"Who goes there?" inquired St. Peter.
"It's me, Bill Clinton."
"What sins did you commit while on Earth?" asked St. Peter.
Clinton thought for a moment and then answered, "Well, I smoked marijuana, but you shouldn't hold that against me because I didn't inhale. And, I suppose I had extra-marital sex, but you shouldn't hold that against me because I didn't really have 'sexual relations.' I should also mention that I lied, but you shouldn't hold that
against me either because I didn't commit perjury."
Hillery's fortune
During a recent publicity outing, Hillary sneaked off to visit a fortune teller of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news:
"There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt: Plan to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."
Visibly shaken, Hillary stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked her question:
"Will I be acquitted?"
ClintonQ: What do Monica Lewinsky and Bob Dole have in common?
A: They were both upset when Bill finished first.
Q: What is Bill's definition of safe sex?
A: When Hillary is out of town.
Q: What is the difference between Clinton and the Titanic?
A: Only 200 women went down on the Titanic.
Q: How does Bill keep Monica Lewinsky away from the White House?
A: He keeps offering to send Ted Kennedy over to give her a ride.
Q. What does Bill say to Hillary after a romantic interlude?
A: "Honey, I'll be home in 20 minutes."
Q: What does Teddy Kennedy have that Bill Clinton wishes *he* did?
A: A dead girlfriend.
Q: What game did Bill Clinton want Paula Jones to play?
A: Swallow the leader
Q: Why is Clinton so interested in events in the Middle East?
A: He thinks the Gaza Strip is a topless bar.
This day was a horrible day. First, the Pope dies and so does Bill Clinton. But on their way to the new world beyond Earth, something went wrong. Bill Clinton, who was destined to go to hell, mistakenly was sent to heaven. The Pope was accidentally sent to hell in Bill's place.
After a little while, God's most pretigious angels figured that this couldn't be right, so they brought the Pope from out of the depths of hell, and Bill then descended from heaven.
On their way to their actual destinations, the Pope and Bill Clinton meet. The Pope says, "Finally!! All my life, I've waited to meet the Virgin Mary. I can't wait!!"
Bill Clinton solemnly replies, "You're five minutes late."
Jerry Fallwell was seated across the aisle from President Clinton on a recent flight. After the plane was airborne, the flight attendant came around for drink orders. The President asked for a whiskey & soda, which was brought and placed before him immediately.
The attendant then asked the Reverend Falwell if he too would like an alcoholic beverage. The minister replied in disgust, "Ma'am, I'd rather be ravaged by a brazen whore than let demon liquor touch these lips!"
The President then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "I'm sorry...I didn't know there was a choice...."
Did you hear there's a new bumper sticker that says, "Run, Hilary, run?"
The democrats put the bumpersticker on the back bumper, and the republicans put it on their front bumper.
Letter from Bill Clinton Statue Committee
Bill Clinton Statue Committee
1040 Buffoon Street
Little Rock, AR 72205
Dear Friend:
We have the distinguished honor of being on the committee for raising five million dollars for placing a statue of Bill Clinton in the hall of fame in Washington, DC.
This committee was in a quandary as to where to place the statue. It was not wise to place it beside George Washington who never told a lie, nor beside Jesse Jackson who never told the truth, since Bill Clinton could never tell the difference.
We finally decided to place it next to Christopher Columbus, the greatest democrat of all. He left not knowing where he was going, did not know where he was, he returned not knowing where he had been, and he did it all on borrowed money.
5,000 years ago Moses said, "Pack up your camel, pick up your shovel, move
your ass, and I will lead you to the promised land."
5,000 years later FDR said, "Lay down your shovel, sit on your ass, light up a camel for this is the promised land."
This year Bill Clinton will steal your shovel, kick your ass, raise the price of camels, and mortgage the promised land. If you are one of the fortunate people who has anything left after paying taxes, we expect a generous contribution to this worthwhile project.
Fraternally,
Bill Clinton Statue Committee
Quotes That You May Have Missed... Mark as unread
The reason it's always so difficult for this President to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth is because it's usually threedifferent stories.
--Sam Donaldson
If the President could convince every woman in America that the Bible says oral sex is not adultery, he'd even have my vote.
--Newt Gingrich
What's wrong with extending my probe? The President did the same thing.
--Kenneth Starr
The special prosecutor is asking me to give oral testimony to the entire Grand Jury.
--Monica Lewinsky
Shouldn't the President be held to the same standards as a TV sportscaster?
--Marv Albert
The President should promise to spend the rest of his life trying to find the real person who had oral sex with the intern.
--OJ Simpson
If I had to spend all day trying to find jobs for every bimbo who swore she didn't have sex with the president, I'd never get any of my own work done.
--Vernon Jordan
The president should take up skiing.
--Al Gore
If you're looking for me this week, I'll be in the bunker.
--Saddam Hussein
Practicing safe sex in the Clinton White House means making sure the door is locked.
--George Stephanopoulos
In last week's Cabinet meeting, the president asked us to go out and winone for the zipper.
--Madeliene "Aunt Bea" Albright
One morning Clinton is out jogging with his Secret Service and they happen to pass a hooker on a corner.
Clinton calls to her, "How much?"
She answers, "$100!"
"Forget it!" he replies, "I can get it for $10!"
The next day they happen by the same hooker. He again asks her, "How much?"
"$100" she shouts back.
"Forget it" he replies, "I can get it for $10!"
Well...the next day Hillary decides to go jogging with Bill.
They, of course, pass the same hooker.
The hooker shouts to Clinton, "See what you get for $10!!"
Bill & Hillary Clinton were sleeping one night at the White House. Hillary wakes up and starts shaking Bill to wake him up.
"Bill, Bill wakeup." Bill stays sleeping.
Hillary continues, "Bill, Bill wake up." Bill finally wakes up and says, "What do you want?"
Hillary responds, "I have to go use the bathroom."
To which Bill says, "Please tell me you didn't wake me up just to tell me you have to go to the bathroom.
Hillary says, "No, I just wanted to tell you to save my spot."
Hillary went into a pet shop and found a beautiful, colorful parrot.
"Does this parrot talk?" she asked.
"Yes, he does," the manager told her.
"But why is this one only $50 and all the others are $500?" she asked.
"Well, ma'am," the manager told her, "not everyone would want to own this parrot. He spent many years in a whorehouse, and his language is terrible."
"Well, I want him," she said. "Suit yourself," the manager shrugged. When she got the parrot back to the White House, she uncovered his cage and admired the colorful bird.
The parrot tilted his head to one side, looked her straight in the eye, and said, "New house, new madam." Hillary laughed.
Soon Chelsea and a friend came in and began admiring the bird."New house, new whores," the parrot observed. At first they were offended, but when Hilary explained about the bird's history,they too, laughed at him.
A few minutes later, the president entered the living quarters.The parrot looked up from his feeder and said, "Hi, Bill."
My fellow Americans this is President Bill Clinton.
I know inthe past I have rewarded those of you who made generous contributions to my campaign, and just because I'm back in office doesn't mean you should stop writing those checks.
The democratic party needs your money, so:If you contribute $25,000 you get to have coffee at the white house.$50,000 and you get to have lunch with Vice-president Gore and have your picture taken with me and Hillary.
For $100,000 you can have lunch with Al Gore, take your pictur with me, and poke Hillery with a sharp stick.
For $200,000 you can poke Al Gore with a stick, have dinner with me, and French-kiss Hillery.
For $300,000 you can beat Al Gore senseless with an aluminum bat, take a shower with Hillery, and make one prank call to China on the hotline.
For $500,000 you can kill Al Gore with your bare hands, have bondage style sex with me or Hillery, and nuke one small town of your choice as long as it's not in Arkansas, so get those checkbooks ready, and I'll look forward to hearing from you.
In a train carriage there was Bill Clinton, George Bush, a spectacular looking blonde and a frightfully awful looking fat lady.
After several minutes of the trip, the train passest hrough a dark tunnel, and the unmistakable sound of a slap is heard.
When they leave the tunnel, Clinton had a big red slapmark on his cheek.
(1) The blonde thought - "That Clinton wanted to touch me and by mistake, he must have put his hand on the fat lady, who in turn must have slapped his face."
(2) The fat lady thought - "That dirty old Bill Clinton laid his hands on the blonde and she smacked him." (
(3) Bill Clinton thought - "George put his hand on that blonde and by mistake she slapped me."
(4) George Bush thought - "I hope there's another tunnel soon so I can smack Clinton again."
Bill Clinton - Similarities
Q: What does golf and Monica Lewinsky have in common?
A: They both appeal to old men, and they can both get a hole in one.
Q: What do Bill Clinton and the toilet have in common?
A: They can both see things they shouldn't be looking at.
Q: What do the Oval Office and the Yankee Stadium have in common?
A: They both get a lot of action.
Q: What do the Titanic and Bill Clinton have in common?
A: They both went down.
Q: What does Bill Clinton have in common with a cow?
A: You can get liquid from either one.
Q: What does Monica Lewinski and a whore have in common?
A: not much-the whore gets the whole deal instead of the thing that sucks
At a party, Albert Einstein introduces himself to the first person he sees and immediately asks, "What is your IQ?"
"241,"the man replies.
"Wonderful!" Albert says. "We will talk about the Grand Unification Theory and the mysteries of the universe.We will have much to discuss!"
Albert then introduces himself to a woman nearby, asking, "And what is your IQ?" The lady answers, "144."
"Great!" says Albert."We can discuss politics and current affairs. We will have much to discuss!"
Moving around the room, Albert pulls aside another man and asks,"What is your IQ?" to which the man answers, "51."
Albert lets go of his arm and takes his hand to shake it, saying, "Hello Mr.President!"
It has been confirmed that the worst foursome in golf consists of Monica Lewinski, OJ Simpson, Ted Kennedy and Bill Clinton.
Why would that be?
Simple...... Monica is a hooker , OJ is a slicer, Ted Kennedy can't drive over water and Bill Clinton can't remember which hole he played last
Bill Clinton, Abraham Lincoln, and George Bush died and went to heaven.
They were walking and knocked on the door of heaven.
God answered and said that they could have one more chance. He told them to go over to the cloud on his far right and say what they wanted to do to make the world a better place.
Then jump off and do that deed. That would show the last part of the test of life and then that would show that they were ready for heaven.
Abraham went first. "I am going to start world peace!" and he jumped off and started world peace.
Then George Bush went and said, "I am going to clean up all the trash put on earth." And he jumped off and started the world wide committee for trash clean-ups.
Clinton was very excited he ran and accidentally tripped over a cloud twig and replied, "SHIT!" and he fell off and became shit and he helped out the world more than ever.
Dear Abby,
My husband has cheated on me our entire marriage.
He tells everybody how much he loves me, but they all know what he's doing. He has many influential friends and they just pretend it's not happening because they want his help in big deals.They're so snowed by him that they avoid the whole issue.
I knowI should be thankful that he is successful in his profession, but now many of his coworkers are leery of him. Every time hegets caught, he first denies it all, then admits that he was wrong and begs me to forgive him.
This has been going on for so long, everyone in town knows he's a cheater. I don't know what to do.
Frustrated. 
Dear Frustrated,
Why don't you move to New York and run for the Senate?
Abby
Q: What do you call a horny redneck who can't tell the truth?
A: Bill Clinton.
QWhat do you call a horny redneck who can't tell the truth?
A: Bill Clinton.
Q: Where is the best place to meet Bill Clinton and why?
A: The oval office because he can't corner you.
*******************************************************
Bill Clinton went to bed one night and then suddenly woke up to see George Washington standing there.
He asked, "How can I be abetter president?"
Washington replied, "Be honest Bill."
Clinton went back to bed, then he woke again to see Thomas Jefferson standing there.
He asked, "How can I be a better president?" Jefferson replied, "Be loyal Bill."
He went back to bed, then woke again to see Abe Lincoln standing there.
He asked, "Abe, how can I be a better president?" Lincoln replied, "Go to a theater Bill."
Three midgets who really want to be in the Guiness Book of World Records decide that they can come up with "something" that would qualify them for submission into the book.
They call up the judging panel and arrange an appointment.
The first midget walks into the judging room and tells the panel, "I believe I have the smallest hands in the world!" The judges examine him and confer.
Upon making their decision, the midget exits the room. As he enters the waiting area, he tells his friends, "I made it! I have the smallest hands in the WORLD!"
The second midget walks into the judging room and tells the panel, "I have the smallest feet in the world!" The judges examine his feet and confer. Upon making their decision, the midget exits the room. As he enters the waiting room, he tells his friends, "I made it! I have the smallest feet in the WORLD!"
The third midget walks into the judging room and tells the panel, "Well, I don't have the smallest hands or feet in the world, but I think I do have something that might qualify!" With that he whips out his tiny dick and shows the judges. They chuckle, but examine him and confer. Upon making their decision,the midget exits the room. As he enters the waiting area, he shakes his head back and forth, hanging his head low.
"Did you get in the book?" asks the first midget. "No," the third midget says sadly, "but I sure would like to know who that Bill Clinton fucker is."
(Beverly Hillbillies melody)
Well dere once was a story
'bout a man named Bill;
Da poor president
couldn't keep his willie still;
Den one day he was workin' at his desk,
When in walks Monica and shows da boy her chest..
.Boobs, that is.
Two of 'em.
Bodacious ta ta's.Well
a next thing ya know,
Monica is on her knees,
Mouth open wide and as happy as you please;
Bill sez, "oh yeah now-don't say a thing,"
"If you do a good job then we'll have a little fling.
"Blow job, that is. Phalli osculation.
Well, Bill lost his load
and it fell upon her dress,
He said, "Clean it up, '
cuz you really are a mess
,And you're invited here to dis fine locality,
To have a heapin' helpin' of little Willie C.
"Da wiener, that is.
Da presidential staff.
So week after week,
Monica is on her knees
Keepin' Willie and his Wiener
just as happy as you please,
But then she figured out dat the fling had gone too far,
And she blabbed it all to Linda Tripp who blabbed it all to Starr.
Bad girl, that is.
Cigars. Bodacious ta ta's.
Well it weren't too long till
we all knew the score,
'bout da stuff dat went down
behind da oval office door;
Da country's in da toilet and da people cry,
"No More"But if we oust da cheatin' jerk, den we gotta live with Gore.
Boob, that is.
Great big one.
Head stuck up his rear.
So now ya know da story
'bout Bill our president,
Wonderin' if dis fling's
gonna cost him every cent;
So da moral of da story
is to do it quietly,
And stay outta trouble with dat broad named Hillary.
Monica's Book Titles
I Suck At My Job
What Really Goes Down In The White House
How I Blew It In Washington
You Have to Work Hard to Find the Softer Side of the President
Clear and Present Boner
Testing the Limits of the Gag Rule
Going Back for Gore
Podium Girl
Secret Services to the President
Harass is Not Two Words: The Story of Bill Clinton
Deep Inside The Oval Office
The Congressional Study on White House Intern Positions
She's Chief of MY Staff!
Al Gore Is In Command For The Next 30 Minutes
How To Beat Off the Government
Going Down and Moving Up
Members of the Presidential Cabinet
Me and My Big Mouth
How To Get A head in Business
"I have had enough. This whole experience has left a bitter taste in my mouth, and I can't stomach any more. I feel as if I am getting the shaft,that this ugly matter has come to a head and blown up in my face.
"This may be a load to handle, but when things are hard, that is when I am at my best. I have faced hard things in the past, and I know what is coming. I will meet the challenge the only way I know how: head-on. "I have licked bigger things than this before, and I will again.
No one will ever be able to say that Monica Lewinsky isn't a finisher, that she quit before the job was done. I will work nonstop and fight this,blow by blow, until I am wiped clean of this dirty affair.
I will not be stained by it. "Thank you."
Monica Lewinsky
There was a survey filled out by every woman in America, asking
whether they would sleep with Bill Clinton, and here are the
results:
3% said yes
6% said no
91% said not again
Bill Clinton's Anthem
( Sing to the tune : A Few of my Favorite Things)
Blow jobs and land deals
in backwater places,
Big Macs and French fries
and girls with big faces,
Lots of nice cleavage
that makes Willie spring,
These are a few of my favorite things
Susan McDougal
and Gennifer Flowers,
Horny young interns
who while 'way the hours,
Profits from futures
that Hillary brings,
These are a few of my favorite things
When that Jones bites,
When Ken Starr stings,
When I'm feeling sad,
I simply remember
my favorite things,
And then I don't feel so bad.
Beating the draft board,
and getting elected,
Naming to judgeships
some hacks I've selected,
Conspiracy theories,
that blame the right wing,
These are a few of my favorite things
Golfing with Vernon
and suborning perjury,
Falling down drunk
that required knee surgery
Stars in the White House
who come here to sing,
These are a few of my favorite things
Meeting with Boris
and Helmut and Tony,
States of the Union
with lots of baloney,
Winning debates and
the joy of my flings,
These are a few of my favorite things
One brisk morning in Washington DC, President Clinton was jogging down the street when he came upon a little boy.
This little boy was pulling a wagon with a sack in the back of it.
President Clinton said "Hi son, what do you have in your wagon?" "Will sir, the little boy replied, "I have some puppies."
"Puppies!" exclaimed Bill. "What kind of puppies do you have?" "Democrats!!" The little boy replied.
"Democrats!" shrieked Bill. "I'll have to get Al to see this!"
Well' when the President went jogging the next morning, He made Al Gore go along with him so that he could see the little boy and his puppies.
Bill saw the little boy and went up to him. The President said " Hi little boy. Do you still have the puppies?" The little boy said "Yes sir".
Al Gore bent down to get a closer look at the wagon and said "What kind of puppies are they?" "Republicans!!" Replied the little boy.
"Republicans!" cried Bill. "But yesterday they were Democrats!"
The little boy said "Yes sir, but last night they opened their eyes!"
Why doesn't Hillary wear short dress?
Her balls would show.
TOP FIVE SIGNS PRESIDENT CLINTON IS READY TO COOPERATE WITH THE REPUBLICANS IN CONGRESS
President Clinton began his second term offering to end political bickering with the Republican controlled Congress.
"I want to meet them halfway on many issues, and I hope they will meet me
halfway," said Clinton.
#5. No longer orders Al Gore to run out and egg Newt's car everytime the Speaker drives by the White House.
#4. Kegger at Camp David next time Hillary's outta town!
#3. Promises to keep his shoes on during this year's "State of the Union" address.
#2. Named Rush Limbaugh to head the "President's Council on Physical Fitness."
#1. Personally removed the photo of Pat Buchanan from the bottom of Socks' litter box.
Why doesn't Hillary cut Bill's hair?
He won't pay her $300.
Why is it more dangerous than normal to sit next to Bill Clinton while he's smoking?
The smoke is still firsthand!
What is the Arkansas state flower?
Gennifer
What are the two worst things about Bill Clinton?
His face.
What does Jeffrey Dahmer's victims and The Clintons' hair styles have in common?
They both look like the work of a butcher...
If The Clinton's were younger, do you think they would have known the Clampents?
Possibly, Bill might have made Jethro's acquaintance in the 6th grade.
What did the band play at Clinton's inaugurations?
Inhale to the chief.
Why doesn't Hillary wear short dress?
Her balls would show.
•President Clinton is furious with People magazine for a story on his daughter. Up until now, there's been an unwritten agreement between the president and the press - they'll leave his daughter alone, and he'll leave their daughters alone. (Leno)
•You can understand Clinton being upset... he's tried very, very hard never to do anything that would embarrass his family. (Letterman)
•Bill and Hillary say they'd give up on the press altogether if it wasn't for the good, decent people at Hustler. (SNL)
Bill Clinton went jogging one morning and came upon the Washington monument.
He said, "George, what should I do?"
After a few seconds George replied, "Abolish the IRS and start over."
Bill thought about this for a few seconds and continued jogging.
Shortly he came upon the Jefferson Memorial and stopped.
He said "Tom, what should I do?"
After a few seconds Tom replied, "Abolish welfare and start over."
Bill continued jogging after thinking about this and came upon the Lincoln
Memorial. He said, "Abe, what should I do?"
After a few seconds Abe replied "Why don't you take the night off and go to the theater?"
What did Clinton say to Al Gore about the whole affair?
- Pardon Me.
How did Bill reply regarding questions of "coaching" Monica's testimony?
- "It wasn't words that I tried to put in her mouth".
What was the Washington Post Headline?
- Bush Beats Clinton
Why did Bill get into this problem?
-He didn't know that harass was one word.
This is from a contest on Long Island. The requirements were to use the two words Lewinsky and Kaczynski (the Unabomber) in a limerick. Here are the three winners:
Third place:
There once was a gal named Lewinsky
Who played on a flute like Stravinsky
'Twas "Hail to the Chief"
On this flute made of beef
That stole the front page from Kaczynski.
Second place:
Said Clinton to young Ms. Lewinsky
We don't want to leave clues like Kaczynski,
Since you look such a mess,
Use the hem of your dress
And wipe that stuff off of your chinsky.
And the winning entry:
Lewinsky and Clinton have shown
What Kaczynski must surely have known:
That an intern is better
Than a bomb in a letter
When deciding how best to be blown.
Bill Clinton is visiting a school.
In one class, he asks all of the students if any one can give him an example of a "TRAGEDY".
One little boy stands up and offers, "If my best friend who lives next door was playing in the street when a car came along and killed him, that would be a TRAGEDY."
"No," Clinton says, "That an ACCIDENT."
A girl raises her hand. "If a school bus carrying fifty children drove off a cliff, killing everyone involved... that would be a TRAGEDY."
I'm afraid not," explains Clinton. "That is what we would call a GREAT LOSS."
The room is silent; none of the other children volunteer. "What?" asks Clinton. "Isn't there any one here who can give me an example of a TRAGEDY?"
Finally, a boy in the back raises his hand. In a timid voice, he speaks:
"If an airplane carrying Bill and Hillary Clinton were blown up by a bomb, *that* would be a TRAGEDY."
"Wonderful!" Clinton beams. "Marvelous! And can you tell me WHY that would be a TRAGEDY?"
"Well," says the boy, "because it wouldn't be an ACCIDENT, and it certainly would be no GREAT LOSS!"
During a heated news conference, Clinton was asked, "What about the powerful interest that controls you ?"
Clinton snapped back, "You leave Hillary out of this !"
I don't think Ken Starr has a sex life.
He's just secretly enjoys Bill Clinton's.
Kenneth Starr
I am Starr. Starr I are.
I’m a brilliant barri-star.
I’m here to ask, as you’ll soon see;
Did you grope Miss Lew-in-sky?
Did you grope her in you house?
Did you grope beneath her blouse?
Did she give you gifts and ties?
Were you spied by prying eyes?
I did not do that here or there!
I did not do that anywhere!
I did not do that in a chair!
I went not near her giant hair!
I did not join — even for fun,
The Mile High Club in Air Force One,
So stow you feathers and your tar,
I did not do her, Starr you are!
Did you smile?
Did you flirt?
Did you peek beneath her skirt?
And did you tell the girl to lie,
When called upon to testify?
That is it; you’ve gone too far!
I do not like you, Starr you are!
I will not answer any more!
In fact, I think I’ll start a war!
The public’s easy to distract,
When bombs are falling in Iraq!
It seems that Ken Starr is dropping all sexual allegations against President Clinton.
It all stems from the Paula Jones case....
The spokesperson remarked that it would be impossible for a woman with a six inch nose to give a blow job to a person with a three inch dick.
The Top 5 Surprises in the Monica Lewinsky's Testimony...
5. Ken Starr's original request was for Monica's
dress with the "sequin" on it.
4. Stain turns out to be McDonald's "Secret Sauce."
3. Linda Tripp confided that she hopes
Ed Asner plays her in the movie.
4. Although not advertised, anyone tuned into
www.MyFirstPresident.com saw the whole thing!
1. Turns out BILL was the one wearing the dress.
Possible Titles for Lewinsky's New Book:
•Podium Girl
•Me and My Big Mouth
•She's Chief of MY Staff!
•Deep Inside The Oval Office
•How I Blew It In Washington
•Going Back for Gore
•Secret Services to the President
•Testing the Limits of the Gag Rule
•Members of the Presidential Cabinet
•What Really Goes Down In The White House
•The Congressional Study on Intern Positions
•Al Gore Is In Command For The Next 30 Minutes
The Denver Post Reported today that Monica Lewinsky, depressed after the media comments about her figure, and wanting a new image, reported to a plastic surgeon for removal of her love handles.
She emerged today with no ears.
•President Clinton is furious with People magazine for a story on his daughter. Up until now, there's been an unwritten agreement between the president and the press - they'll leave his daughter alone, and he'll leave their daughters alone. (Leno)
•You can understand Clinton being upset... he's tried very, very hard never to do anything that would embarrass his family. (Letterman)
•Bill and Hillary say they'd give up on the press altogether if it wasn't for the good, decent people at Hustler. (SNL)
During a heated news conference, Clinton was asked, "What about the powerful interest that controls you ?"
Clinton snapped back, "You leave Hillary out of this !"
I don't think Ken Starr has a sex life.
He's just secretly enjoys Bill Clinton's.
Oh Hell, Clinton can't help himself...sex is an ongoing family problem....even his last name kindasorta resembles women's anatomy! 
Do you know what President Clinton says to Hillary when he wants to make love?
("Honey, I'll be back in about an hour.")
The Clintons were getting ready for a costume party and Bill comes into the room where Hillary is starting to get ready.
She looks at him and says,"you aren't really going out in that outfit, are you? You look ridiculous with that potato in your pants.
Bill (for once) stands up to her and says, "I most certainly am!"
So, Hillary goes into the kitchen and comes back out with only a lemon on her snatch. Bill is quite dumbstruck at her attire, but finally manages to ask her what in the sam hill she thinks she's suppose to be.
Hillary says, I decided that if you could go to this party as a dictator, I would go as a sour puss.
Question: Why will Monica Lewinski never become a doctor?
Answer: She sucks as an intern.
Monica Lewinsky's Lawyer, handing a picture of her to Bill Clinton asks:
"Mr. President, do you recognize this woman?"
Bill Clinton: "I believe I've come across her face a few times."
Clinton's mother prayed fervently that Bill would grow up and be president.
So far, half of her prayer has been answered.
Critics say an impeachment trial could tie up the three branches of government until June.
We should impeach presidents more often.
ANAGRAM OF THE MONTH:
"President Clinton of the USA" can be rearranged
(with no letters left over, and using each letter only once) into:
"To copulate he finds interns"
President Clinton confounded critics when
his job approval rating went up to 69% this week.
"It's no secret why most Americans love him....
He's the only person on TV who's not talking about Monica Lewinsky."
The Secret Service got a real scare the other day when someone threw a beer at Bill Clinton during his morning jog....
- - Fortunately, it was a draft, so he was able to dodge it.
Starr: "Monica says you have a small penis"
Clinton: "Monica has a big mouth"
Last summer, the President and Mrs. Clinton were vacationing in their home state of Arkansas. On a venture one day, they stopped at a service station to fill up the car with gas. It seemed that the owner of the station was once Hillary's high school love.
They exchanged hellos, and went on their way.
As they were driving on to their destination, Bill put his arm around Hillary and said, "Well, honey, if you had stayed with him, you would be the wife of a service station owner today."
She smirked and replied, "No, if I had stayed with him, he would be President of the United States."
:Confused: What Goes Around Comes Around
Clinton died and went to heaven -- or to be more accurate -- approached the Pearly Gates. After knocking at the gates, St. Peter appeared. "Who goes there?" inquired St. Peter.
"It's me, Bill Clinton"
"And what do you want?" asked St. Peter.
"Lemme in!" replied Clinton.
"Soooo," pondered Peter. "What bad things did you do on earth?"
Clinton thought a bit and answered, "Well, I smoked marijuana but you shouldn't hold that against me because I didn't inhale. I guess I had extramarital sex, but you shouldn't hold that against me because I didn't really have 'sexual relations.' And I lied, but I didn't commit perjury."
After several moments of deliberation St. Peter replied, "OK, here's the deal.
We'll send you someplace where it is very hot, but we won't call it 'Hell.' You'll be there for an indefinite period of time, but we won't call it 'eternity.' And don't 'abandon all hope' upon entering, just don't hold your breath waiting for it to freeze over."
Clinton's Final State of the Union Address
Members of Congress...people of America....I banged her. I banged her like a cheap gong. Which is not news, folks, because if you think Monica Lewinsky was the only skin flute player in my orchestra, you haven't been paying attention. The only babes in D.C. I haven't tried to do are the First Lady, Reno, Albright, and Shalala, mostly because they're a little older than I like and they have legs that former Houston Oiler Earl Campbell would envy. Which isn't to say I don't appreciate Hillary...I do. If not for the ice-water coursing through her veins, I'd be pumping gas into farm equipment in Hope, Arkansas, and she'd be married to the President.
So, let me set the record straight. I dodged the draft, hid FBI files, smoked dope, flipped Whitewater property, set up a new Korean wing in the White House, fired the travel staff, paid hush money to Hubbell, sold the Lincoln bedroom like an upscale Motel 6, and grabbed every ass that entered the Oval Office. Got it? Good.
Six years ago, there's not a man, woman, or child who didn't know I was as horny as Woody Allen. But, you elected me anyway, which turned out to be a good move on your part. Your other choice was Bush, an aging baseball player and part-time resident of some place called "Kennebunkport."
Before him, it was Reagan, who left the office with the same Alzheimer's he came in with. There was Carter before him who brought you a 17% prime interest rate, smiling the whole time like his lithium drip had just kicked in. Nixon before that coined, but never really understood, the concept of 'plausible deniability,' and almost got a one-way ticket to San Clemente for his crackerjack style of governing.
Johnson was an inbred, power-mad war criminal whose major contribution to American society was Agent Orange.
And Johnny Kennedy, who was more than a little naughty himself, didn't hang around long enough for America to spot that curious atavistic tic for beaver-wrestling shared by at least a dozen former residents of the White House.
Which brings me back to my point. Since I have been strumming the banjo here at the White House, government is doing more for less. The budget is balanced for the first time since JFK did a one gun salute to Marilyn, a fact the press didn't seem to care about, evidently. Unemployment is so low today a blind felon can get a job as a night-watchman. And the stock market is higher than a D-student on a full gram of dumb-dust, and anyone with a degree from a junior college who can spell 'internet' has enough money to ponder the annual maintenance cost of his boat, instead of where his or her next meal is coming from.
Bottom line: I'm running a country here and I'm doing it with my pecker showing. What I'm asking for is your support, not a date with your daughter...unless, of course, she's a hotty with thin ankles, and then I'd like to discuss it. I may be a pervert, but I'm also a realist. I know that if the economy was going down the crapper, I'd-a been out on my fat ass after the '96 election. But I'm a lucky pervert-the economy is hotter than Paula Jones in a leather teddy. So think about where you are today and what kind of life you're living before you get too interested in where I'm parking the Presidential limousine.
What do Monica Lewinski and soda machines have in common?
Both have slots which say 'Insert Bill Here.'
------------
Clinton, on a stop in Arkansas this week, told a crowd, "There are over a hundred jails in this state, and I'm proud to say that no member of my family has ever been in one of them."
A voice from the back said, "And which one is that ?"
------------
Bill was recently overheard complimenting Monica's appearance...
"She's got the whitest teeth I've ever come across."
What help wanted ad did Monica Lewinski answer?
Be a White House intern and get a taste of the Presidency!
------------ ------------
There's a new Bill Clinton computer coming out soon,
it will have a six inch hard drive, but no memory.
During a recent publicity outing, Hillary sneaked off to visit a fortune teller of some local repute.
In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news.
"There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."
Visibly shaken, Hillary stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know.
She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked her question: "Will I be acquitted?"
Bill Clinton and Senator Hillary Clinton were at a Yankees game.
Before the game began a secret service man came up to him and whispered in his ear.
President Clinton suddenly picked up Hillary and threw her out on the field.
The secret service man came running up to him and said, "Mr. President Sir, I think you misunderstood me; I said throw out the first pitch."
;p "The reason it's always so difficult for this president to tell the truth,the whole truth, and nothing but the truth is because it's usually three different stories."
~ Sam Donaldson
Dear Bill..
Here are some letters the President has received lately
... Bill, As a fellow Southern Baptist, I can sympathize with your predicament. Although when I was president I merely lusted in my heart, I have to admit that had I served another term, my lust might have broken free and moved down my body. God bless you in this time of trial.
Jimmy Carter
----------------------
Dear Bill:
OK, so I'll never be president, but at least Donna Rice was a fox. What's more, I want to say this to the American People. Unlike you I HAD a relationship with that woman!
Gary Hart
----------------------
My Dear Chap:
This is a bit of a sticky wicket, but if I were you, I should ask that charming Jay Leno fellow to see you through. Pop onto his show, admit that you made an ass of yourself and all will be forgiven.
Hugh Grant
----------------------
Bill: They entrapped me, they framed me, they caught me in a motel with drugs and a prostitute, but I bounced back and so can you!
Mayor Marion Barry
---------------------- Dear Bill:
Look at the bright side. At least you weren't caught wearing Monica's thong underwear. By the way, did you catch my sports show? 'm back on TV for the fall. Marv Albert
----------------------
Dear Mr. President:
You may have noticed that I'm not jumping on the impeachment bandwagon. This is a way of showing my gratitude for creating the greatest pick-up line in years, namely that oral copulation doesn't constitute sex. Just today I have already used it successfully four times and it's not even 10 am yet.
Warm personal regards,
Newt
----------------------------
Dear Bill: Hang in there, pal! By the way, Kathie Lee sends Hillary her regards and invites her to come on her show anytime.
Frank Gifford
---------------------------
Dear Mr. President:
Now I'm on the Supreme Court. I'm here for life! And there's nothing anyone can do about it! So there!
Justice Clarence Thomas
--------------------------
Dear Former Worthy Opponent:
Whoo, Boy! All I can say is, Bob Dole would never have gotten himself into this mess. Not Bob Dole! Not before Viagra, anyway!
Bob Dole
-------------------------
Dear Mr. President:
I think it's terrible what they are doing to you, and I want you to know that if you need to get away from it all, you're welcome to bring Buddy and stay with me on my Wonderland Ranch for as long as you want. I'll move the Cub Scout Pack to a tent on the lawn and you can have their room.
Michael Jackson
--------------------------
Dear Fellow Sinner:
Jesus forgives you and so do I.
Rev. Jimmy Swaggart
-------------------------
Dear Bill:
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Jim Bakker
P.S. Jessica sends regards and wants to get together with you sometime.
-------------------------
Dear Bill:
Next time (if there is a next time), don't let them get you on tape. Big mistake!! With sympathy,
Rob Lowe
-------------------------
Dear Bill: I know things look bad for you now but take it from me - the American public is very forgiving and one day it will all be just water under the bridge.
Regards,
Senator Edward Kennedy
-------------------------
Dear Bill:
Things were grim for a while, but now it looks like I might actually manage to marry my darling Camilla, and someday I'll be King! Funny how life turns out. So keep a stiff upper lip! (And relax everything else, haha! And they say I don't have a sense of humor). As we British say, keep your pecker up!
HRH Charles Windsor, Prince of Wales
------------------------
Dear Mr. President,
We invite you to be the cover subject of our next issue.
Editor,
Cigar magazine
-----------------------
Dear Bill:
Congratulations on your election. You are a shining example to us all. Could you and Hillary join us for dinner next Tuesday?
We plan to invite the Nixons and Agnews as well.
Sincerely,
Ronald Reagan
-----------------------
Dear Mr. President:
You have taken a big load off my mind. For a long time my conscience had been bothering me but now I can honestly say that I told the truth when I publicly stated that I had never committed adultery.I am truly sorry that your liaisons with Ms. Lewinsky have become such a political hot potatoe but you are still my heroe.
Respectfully,
Senator Dan Quayle
A Reflection Back on Slick Willy's White House Years
Thank You, Mr. President
I recently saw a bumper sticker that said, "Thank me, I voted for Clinton-Gore" So I sat down and reflected on that and I am sending my "Thank You" for what you have done, specifcally:
1. Thank you for intoducing us to Gennifer Flowers, Paula Jones, Monica Lewinsky, Dolly Kyle Browning, Kathleen Willeu and of course Juanita Broaddrick, who told NBC that you raped her. Are there any others that we should know about?
2. Thank you for teaching our 8 year olds about oral sex. Most of us were waiting until they were 10 to discuss it with them. Now they know more than I did when I was a senior in college. The cigar thing was also great for the kids.
3. Thank you for showing us that sexual harrassment in the work place (especially the White House) and on the job is OK, and all you have to knowis what the meaning of "IS" is. It is really great to know thatcertain sexual acts are not sexand one person may have sex while the other one involved may not have sex. Monica said frequently while you were on the phone, she would work at one end while you were at the other. What productivity!
4. Thank you for reintroducing the concept of impeachment to a new generation and demonstrating that the rediculous plot of the movie "Wag The Dog" could be plausible after all. The people of the Sudan, Afghanistan and Serbia are all running to rent the video, now that you made them part of the story.
5. Thanks for making Jimmy Carter lookcompetent, Gerald Ford look graceful, Richard Nixon look honest, Lyndon Johnson look truthful and John Kennedy look moral.
6. Thank you for the seventy-two house and senate witnesseswho have pleaded the fifth amendment and the seventeen witnesses who have fled the country to avoid testifyingabout Democrat campaign funds raising.
7. Thank you for the nineteen charges, eight convictions, and four imprisionments from the "mess " and the fifty-five criminal charges and thirty-two criminal convictions (so far) in the other Clinton scandals.
8. Thanks for remembering the families of many deceased people who were once your friends, who served you and died so young and suddenly: Vince Foster, Jerry Parks, Ron Brown, Admiral Boorda, Les Aspin, Barbara Alice Wiese, Mary Mahoney, Jim McDougal et al.
9. Thanks for reducing our military by half, "gutting" much of our foreign policy, and for providing no real missle defense system for the American people. Thank you for sharing with our Chinese friends all of our neculear weapon designs, the super computer technology to build such weapons, the ballistic missile , and the encryption technology so they can keep it all a secret too.
10. You are amazing visiting all thoses countries! Thank you for flying all over the world on "vacations" carefully disguised as necessary trips. It's wonderful, too, how you have surpassed every other president in the size of your entourage on these trips: 75 Jumbo jets, 2000 guests to China alone. Your African entourage also was remarkableand it was nice of you to bring Betty Currie. She needed a break from testifying before the Grand Jury.
Please give my regards to Hillary, when/if you see her. Tell her I'm working on a "Thank You" letter for her, now that she is my Senator.
Looking forward to your retirement.
Average Joe
An Anagram, as you all know, is a word or phrase made by transposing or rearranging the letters of another word or phrase.
PRESIDENT CLINTON OF THE USA It can be rearranged (with no letters left over, and using each letter only once into:
TO COPULATE HE FINDS INTERNS
One time Bill Clinton went into the doctor and said something was wrong with his ding a ling. So the doctor inspected it and gave Bill some medicine and sent him on his way.
About 2 weeks later Bill came back and told him the stuff the doctor gave him wasn't working. So the doctor tried something else.
Bill came back 2 weeks after that and said that the stuff the doctor gave him did the trick. Then Bill asked the doctor what the stuff was.
Then the doctor said "it was lipstick remover
The wife of Tony Blair says in England people call it a gentleman, because it stands up when women are entering.
The wife of Boris Yeltsin says in Russia you call it a patriot, because you never know if it will hit you on the front or on the back side.
The wife of Chirac says in France you call it a curtain, because it goes down after the act.
And Hillary Clinton says in the USA you call it a rumor, because it goes from mouth to mouth."
Wading Across the River
Bill Clinton, Al Gore and George W. Bush died and found themselves standing on the other side of the Jordan River looking across at the Promised Land.
The Archangel Michael was standing on the other side and shouted over to the three surprised Americans, "Contrary to what you have been taught, each of you will have to wade across the Jordan River."
As Michael saw their perplexed looks, he assured them by saying, "Don't worry. You will sink only proportionally, according to your sins on earth. The more you have sinned, the more you will sink into the water."
The three American sages of political lore looked at one another, trying to determine who would be the first brave soul to cross the Jordan River.
Finally, George W. Bush volunteered to go first. Slowly he began to wade out into the river, and slowly the water began to get higher and higher, reaching to his waist. George began to sweat, thinking of all his sins that were coming back to haunt him. He was beginning to wonder if he would ever see the other side. Finally, after what seemed like an eternity, he began to emerge on the river's bank.
As he ascended to the other side, he looked behind him to see which one of the other brave souls was going next. A shock of surprise registered on his face, as he saw Al Gore almost in the middle of the river, and the water was only up to his ankles.
He turned to Michael and exclaimed, "I know Al Gore. Al Gore is a friend of mine, and he has sinned much, much more than that!"
Before the Archangel Michael could reply, Al Gore shouted back, "I'm standing on Clinton's shoulders!"
Bill Clinton is getting off a helicopter just in front of the White House. 10,000 people are stood outside welcoming the return of Bill from abroad.
Bill has two pigs, one under each arm.
A man in the crowd catches his attention and says, "Nice pigs sir."Bill smiles and says, "These aren't pigs. These are Arkansas Razorback Hogs. I got one for Hillary and one for Chelsea."
The man repies, "Nice trade Sir."
Dear Abby,
My husband is a lying cheat. He tells me he loves me, but he has cheated our entire marriage. He is a good provider and has many friends and supporters. They know he is a lying cheat, but they just avoid the issue.
He is a hard worker but many of his coworkers are leery of him. Every time he gets caught, he denies it all. Then he admits that he was wrong and begs me to forgive him.
This has been going on for so long, everyone in town knows he is a cheat. I don't know what to do.
Signed,
Frustrated
-----
Dear Frustrated:
You should dump him.
Now that you are a New York Senator, you don't need him anymore.
Birthday
Monica Lewinsky turns 28 years old!
Wow, 28 - it seems like only yesterday that she was crawling around on the floor in the Oval Office.
Top 15 Things Heard Coming From the Oval Office
1.Are you sure that Al Gore started this way?
2.If this gets out, I'll be ruined.
3.If I can't get this out, *I'll* be ruined.
4.If I could convince Hillary to do that just once...
5.Now you know why they call me 'Slick Willie'.
6.You took the job as a White House "in-turn" didn't you? Well, now it's your turn.
7.I knew that a lot of things came across your desk, I just never thought that I would be one of them.
8.Somehow, I don't think that Alan Greenspan would explain inflation *that* way.
9.I've always said, "I want to be a 'hands-on' president."
10.When you asked me to look at the presidential pole, I thoughtyou meant the latest Gallup Survey.
11.I thought that all of those notches in your desk were from Socks sharpening her claws.
12.When you said that you had your finger on the pulse of th nation, this isn't exactly what I thought you meant.
13.Hmmm... "Maybe Chelsea's idea of a sorority slumber party at the White House is a good idea after all...."
14.Is this one of the Presidential duties that you said the Paula Jones trial would interfere with, Mr. President...
15.If you think that's 8 inches, I can see why you thought your last budget was balanced!
Bill Clinton might be moving. With him he is bringing a lot of stuff which he calls memorabilia, but everyone else calls it evidence.
Democrats announced today they are changing their emblem from a donkey to a condom because it more clearly reflects their party's political stance...
A condom stands up to inflation, halts production, discourages cooperation, protects a bunch of dicks and gives a sense of security while screwing others
Q: How much can Monica Lewinsky hold in her mouth?
A: One U.S. Leader (liter)
Q: What did Monica say about Bill's sex drive
A: Like his presidency, a lot of talk leading up to it but then he didn't do much .
Q: What's the difference between Monica Lewinski and a Hoover
A: One has a stained blue dress to prove they really "suck"!
Dear Friend:
We have the distinguished honor of being on the committee to
raise five million dollars for a monument of Bill Clinton. We
originally wanted to put him on Mt. Rushmore until we discovered
there was not enough room for two more faces.
We then decided to erect a statue of Bill Clinton in Washington,
D.C. Hall of Fame. We were in a quandary as to where the statue
should be placed. It was not proper to place it beside the statue
of George Washington, who never told a lie, or beside Jessie
Jackson, who never told the truth, since Bill Clinton could never
tell the difference.
We finally decided to place it beside Christopher Columbus, the
greatest Democrat of them all. He left not knowing where he was
going, did not know where he was, returned not knowing where he
had been, and did it all on someone else's money.
If you are one of the fortunate people who have anything left
after taxes, we expect a generous contribution to this worth
while project.
Thank you,
Bill Clinton Monument Committee
PS: The committee has raised over $ 1.35 so far!
Mail checks to: Nollaig11 c/o Union Bank of California. A/C PayCash.
Bill was recently overheard complimenting Monica's appearance...
"She's got the whitest teeth I've ever come across."
What help wanted ad did Monica Lewinski answer?
Be a White House intern and get a taste of the Presidency!
:9 There's a new Bill Clinton computer coming out soon,
it will have a six inch hard drive, but no memory.
More on Clinton and the Military
What baseball team did Clinton play for? - The Dodgers
What's the difference between Clinton and Jane Fonda? - Jane went to Viet Nam!
What's the Clinton weight-loss program? - Running from the draft!
How can you tell when Clinton is ready for battle? - He's got his jogging suit on!
THE SHADY BUNCH
(Sung to the tune of "The Brady Brunch")
Here's the story,of a First Lady,
who was fighting off three very naughty girls.
All of them have had Her Man, like the others,
the youngest one... oral.
It's the story, of a man Slick Willy,
who was busy with three sharks of his own.
They were four men, dodging each other,
over a land deal blown.
Till the one day when Lewinsky met this fellow
and they lied about the times He was her Lunch,
then this group, it somehow became scandle.
That's the way they all became The Shady Bunch.
The Shady Bunch...The Shady Bunch...
That's the way... they became... The Shady Bunch!
Rated R
Hillary and Chelsea are having a mother\daughter talk one night. "So you have been in college for a while now, have you had sex yet?"…
"Not according to dad!"
SPECIAL BULLETIN:
Buddy, the First Dog, is missing !
Description:
Buddy has the Presidential Seal tattooed on his right inner thigh.
Also: There is a cigar hanging from his butt...
BILL's BOLOGNA SONG
My baloney has a first name,
It's "I did not inhale."
My baloney has a second name:
"I wasn't getting tail."
Oh, I love to sling it every day,
The White House people all just saaaaaay.....
That Billy Clinton has a way,
Of making adultery sound OK!
Q: What do you get when you ask Clinton to tell "the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth"?
A: Three different answers
POSSIBLE NAMES FOR THE STAIN ON MONICA'S DRESS:
Arkan Sauce
Bill's Spill
The Secretion Service
All the President's Semen
Chelsea's Little Sister
Presidential "Pardon"
Sperm Spangled Splatter
Willie's Slick
In the Line of Fire
Buddy Did It!
SONGS FROM THE CLINTON SONGBOOK:
The Masturbata
(sung to the tune of "Macarena")
The country’s mad at me, they say that I’m an addict,
always wanting sex anyway that I can have it.
Starr is won’t let me be, so I guess I’ll have to jack it.
Hey Masturbater!
Sitting in the office, and I know that I'm alona,
Feeling kinda horny, got a jingle in my bona.
Grab for a Penthouse; the one with Sharon Stona.
Hey Masturbata!!
I go a little faster and its feeling kind of nicea,
Once ain't enough so I have to do it twicea.
If you wanna spank the monkey I can give you good advicea.
Hey Masturbata!!
I use some baby oil or a little Vaselina,
Laying down a towel so I keep my carpet cleana.
Never shake my hand cause you don't know where its beena
Hey Masturbata!!
Since I was a kid I have been a Masturbata,
choke the chicken, hum the knob, squeezing the tomata.
I've been with Monnica, but all I did was decorate her.
Hey Masturbater!
Is this some sort of weird coincidence or what?
A week before Lincoln was killed,
he was in Monroe, Maryland.
A week before JFK was killed,
he was in Marilyn Monroe.
A White House intern is shopping at a flea market, and in looking an oil lamp, releases a genie.
The genie promptly grants her three wishes.
"First," she said, "I'd like two of the biggest boobs in the whole world."
There's a puff of smoke -- Clinton and Hillary appear at her side..
During a heated news conference, Clinton was asked, "What about the powerful interest that controls you ?"
Clinton snapped back, "You leave Hillary out of this !"
I don't think Ken Starr has a sex life.
He's just secretly enjoys Bill Clinton's.
I am Starr. Starr I are.
I’m a brilliant barri-star.
I’m here to ask, as you’ll soon see;
Did you grope Miss Lew-in-sky?
Did you grope her in you house?
Did you grope beneath her blouse?
Did she give you gifts and ties?
Were you spied by prying eyes?
I did not do that here or there!
I did not do that anywhere!
I did not do that in a chair!
I went not near her giant hair!
I did not join — even for fun,
The Mile High Club in Air Force One,
So stow you feathers and your tar,
I did not do her, Starr you are!
Did you smile?
Did you flirt?
Did you peek beneath her skirt?
And did you tell the girl to lie,
When called upon to testify?
That is it; you’ve gone too far!
I do not like you, Starr you are!
I will not answer any more!
In fact, I think I’ll start a war!
The public’s easy to distract,
When bombs are falling in Iraq!
:rolleyes It seems that Ken Starr is dropping all sexual allegations against President Clinton.
It all stems from the Paula Jones case...
.
The spokesperson remarked that it would be impossible for a woman with a six inch nose to give a blow job to a person with a three inch dick.
The Top 5 Surprises
in rhe Monica Lewinsky's Testimony...
5. Ken Starr's original request was for Monica's dress with the "sequin" on it.
4. Stain turns out to be McDonald's "Secret Sauce."
3. Linda Tripp confided that she hopes, Ed Asner plays her in the movie.
2.Although not advertised,anyone tuned into www.My First President.com saw the whole thing!
1. Turns out BILL was the one wearing the dress.
POOR MONICA HAS GOT IT HARD....
The interview lasted two hours. Two hours? That's more time than Clinton spent with her. (Dennis Miller)
Monica Lewinsky is starting out on a worldwide book signing tour to support her new autobiography, "Monica's Story". Or... you can get the "Books On Tape" version, narrated by Linda Tripp
"Penthouse offered Lewinsky $2 million to pose nude. This confirms what Clinton said in his State of the Union address: He is creating high paying jobs for young people."(Jay Leno)
Q: What do you get when Monica Lewinsky and an Indian are driving down the highway? - A: A blown engine.
One day three dwarfs went walking and saw a sign for a "World Records" competition.
The first one entered the 'smallest feet' contest and won.
The second one entered the 'smallest hands' contest and one.
The third entered the 'smallest penis' contest -- and lost.
He came away, very dejected.
"What happened?" asked his friends.
"Who's Bill Clinton?"
Clinton and Aides
Most wives whose husbands fool around have to worry about their husbands getting AIDS from sex.
Hillary just has to worry about her husband getting sex from aides.
How Time Flies!
Can you believe it? Monica Lewinski turned 28 this week.
It seems like only yesterday she was crawling around the White House on her hands and knees.
Bill Clinton and Senator Hillary Clinton were at a Yankees game.
Before the game began a secret service man came up to him and whispered in his ear.
Bill Clinton suddenly picked up Hillary and threw her out on the field.
The secret service man came running up to him and said, "Mr. President Sir, I think you misunderstood me; I said throw out the first pitch."
It is comforting to know that we are not alone:
A few days after George W. Bush's inauguration, a man came up to the Marine on duty at the White House and said, "I'd like to see President Clinton."
The Marine politely answered, "Sir, Mr. Clinton is no longer President."
The man said, "Oh, okay," and walked away.
The next day the Marine was again on duty, and the same man approached and
again asked to see President Clinton.
The Marine again answered, "Sir, Mr. Clinton is no longer President."
Again the man answered, "Oh, okay," and walked away.
The next day the same man approached the same Marine and again asked to
see President Clinton.
The Marine, a little annoyed by this time, said, "Sir, I've told you, Mr. Clinton is no longer president. Don't you understand that?"
"Yes, I do," said the man, "but I just enjoy hearing it."
The Marine smiled and said, "See you tomorrow."
After asking just about anyone with a law degree to come to his defense,Bill Clinton finally turned to the one man he knew could help: JohnnyCochran.
Ken Starr's spies were able to obtain a copy of Mr. Cochran's top ten suggested defense strategies:
10. If the dress ain't a mess, he don't need to confess.
9. The economy's great, let the White Boy skate.
8. If the bitch didn't spit, you must acquit.
7. If she is not spread eagle, then it is not illegal.
6. Lewinsky's a whore, and Bill's better than Gore.
5. So he lied to the masses, he was just saving some asses.
4. He cheats on his wife, but its his personal life.
3. Bill can't tell the truth till he sees Ken Starr's proof
.2. Bill is not sleazy, Lewinsky's just easy.And Johnny Cochran's #1 Clinton defense:
1. If the sex is just oral, it is not really immoral.
Rated PG
Baloney...
His baloney has a first name,
It's "I did not inhale."
His baloney has a second name,
"I wasn't getting tail."
He loves to sing it every day,
The White House people all just saaaaaaay,
That Billy Clinton has a way,
Of making bullshit sound ok!!!!!
(
Lewisnsky vs. Windows 95
What's the difference between Monica Lewinsky and Windows 95?
Monica Lewinsky has been on more desktops.
POOR MONICA HAS GOT IT HARD....
The interview lasted two hours. Two hours? That's more time than Clinton spent with her. (Dennis Miller)
Monica Lewinsky is starting out on a worldwide book signing tour to support her new autobiography, "Monica's Story". Or... you can get the "Books On Tape" version, narrated by Linda Tripp
"Penthouse offered Lewinsky $2 million to pose nude. This confirms what Clinton said in his State of the Union address: He is creating high paying jobs for young people."(Jay Leno)
Q: What do you get when Monica Lewinsky and an Indian are driving down the highway? -
A: A blown engine.
Once upon a time, not long ago there was a Presidential election that was too close to call. Neither the Republican presidential candidate nor the Democratic presidential candidate had enough votes to win the election. Therefore, it was decided that there should be an ice-fishing contest between the two candidates to determine the final winner.
There was much talk about ballot recounting, court challenges, etc., but a week long ice fishing competition seemed the (manly) way to settle things.
The candidate that catches the most fish at the end of the week wins.
After a lot of back and forth discussion, it was decidedthat the contest would take place on a remote and cold lake in North Dakota. There were to be no observers
present, and both men were to be sent out separately on this remote lake and return daily with their catch for counting and verification.
At the end of the first day, George W. returns to the starting line and he has 10 fish. Soon, Al Gore returns and has zero fish.
Well, everyone assumes he is just having another bad hair day or something and hopefully, he will catch up the next day.
At the end of the 2nd day George W. comes in with 20 fish and Al Gore comes in again with none.
That evening, Bill Clinton gets together secretly with Al and says, "Al, I think George W. is a lowlife cheatin' son-of-a-gun. I want you to go out tomorrow and
don't even bother with fishing. Just spy on him and see if he is cheating in any way.
The next night (after George W. comes back with 50 fish), Bill Clinton says to Al, "Well, what about it, is George W. cheatin'?"
"He sure is, Bill, he's cutting holes in the ice."
Dear Sirs:
I have the solution for the prevention of hijackings,and at the same time getting our airline industry back on its feet.
Since men of the Muslim religion are not allowed to look at naked women we should replace all of our female flight attendants with strippers.
Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing a naked woman, and of course, everyone in this country would start flying again in hopes of seeing a naked woman.
We would have no more hijackings, and the airline industry would have record sales.
Now why didn't Congress think of this?
Sincerely,
Bill Clinton
One day, before president Bush was sworn into office, a young boy was curious.
He came up to his dad, and asked: "Dad, what is the difference between a democrat and a republican, and why do they show them as animals?"
His dad replied: "Son, we are republicans, so we are represented by the elephant. And the democrats are represented by the donkey, because they are so damn stubborn."
Then the boy asked "But who were Bill Clintonand Al Gore?" and his dad said : "Oh, those two are the jack asses!"
Bill Clinton fell deathly ill while being transported home from his Africa trip.
Apparently he picked up a strange, life-threatening disease in one of the villages.
He was rushed to Bethesda Naval Hospital for a complicated operation. He went under the knife in the early morning, and when he awoke, he saw that the curtains were closed around him and it was dark.
"Why are the curtains closed?" the President asked the Secret Service agent sitting beside his bed. "Is it night already?"
"No, Sir," the agent said. "There is a huge fire across the street and we didn't want you waking up and looking out the window and thinking the operation was unsuccessful."
After much arguing and deliberation, historians this week have come up witha phrase to describe the Clinton Era. It will be called: SEX BETWEEN THE BUSHES.
The Center for Disease Control in Atlanta announced that Clinton has proventhat you can get sex from Aides.
Jennifer Flowers was asked if her relationship with Clinton was anythinglike Monica Lewinski's. She replied, "Close, but no cigar."
The FBI has coined a technical term for the stains found on Monica's dress:"Presidue."
Clinton now recruits interns from only four colleges: Moorhead, Oral
Roberts, Ball State and Brigham Young.
Did you know that Clinton had asked to change the Democratic emblem from a donkey to a condom? It produces inflation, halts production, and gives you afalse sense of security while you are being screwed.
Arkansas is very proud of Bill Clinton. All these women coming forward, and not one is his sister!
Finally, Hillary Clinton recently went to a fortune teller who intoned,"Prepare to become widow. Your husband will soon suffer a violent death! "Hillary took a deep breath and asked, "Will I be acquitted?"
The President of the United States, George W. Bush, has asked that all Americans and Canadians unite together in a common cause to root out terrorists hiding in our community.
Since the Taliban cannot stand nudity and consider it a sin to see a naked woman that is not one's wife, on Saturday afternoon at 2:00 p.m. EST, all North American women are asked to walk out of their house completely naked to help weed out any neighborhood terrorists.
Circling your block for one hour is recommended for this anti-terrorist effort. All men should position themselves in lawn chairs in front of your house to prove that you think it's OK to see other women nude. (Since they do not approve of alcohol, a cold six-pack
at your side is further proof of your anti-Taliban sentiment.)
Names and addresses of non-participants should be sent to CIA Headquarters, Langley, Virginia. The United States of America appreciates your efforts to root out terrorists and applauds your efforts. Please, by all means, send this to your fellow Patriots toensure 100% participation.
Thank you for your participation,
Bill Clinton,
Former President of the United States
Hillary Clinton goes to her doctor for a physical, only to find out that she's pregnant. She is furious. Here she's in the middle of her first term as Senator of New York and this has happened to her. She calls home, gets Bill on the phone and immediately starts screaming; "How could you have let this happen? With all that's going on right now, you go and get me pregnant! How could you? I can't believe this! I just found out I am five weeks pregnant and it is all your fault! Your fault! Well, what have you got to say?"
There is nothing but dead silence on the phone.She screams again, "Did you hear me?"
Finally she hears Bill's very, very quiet voice. In a barely audible whisper, he says, "Who is this?"
Chelsea Clinton went off to college and came back home for the holidays. Hillary was quite happy to see her daughter and pressed her for information about college.
"So, are you enjoying college, dear?" she asked.
Chelsea nodded vigorously.
"And are there boys in college?" Hillary questioned.
Once again, Chelsea nodded with a mischievous gleam in her eyes.
Hillary, unable to resist and curious about her daughter's activities, went on to ask, "And are you having sex with these boys?"
Chelsea burst out laughing. After a moment, she straightened, stared into her mother's eyes, and said, "Not according to Dad."
Hillary Clinton and her driver were cruising along a country road near Buffalo, New York, one evening when an old cow loomed in front of the car. The driver tried to avoid it but couldn't -- the old cow was killed.
Hillary told her driver to go up to the farmhouse on the farm where the cow evidently belonged and explain to the owners what happened. The driver complied.
About an hour later, the driver staggered back to the car with his clothes in disarray. He was holding a bottle of expensive wine in one hand, an expensive Cuban cigar in the other and was smiling happily, smeared with lipstick.
"What happened?" asked Hillary.
"Well," the driver replied, "the farmer gave me the wine, his wife gave me the cigar, and their beautiful twin daughters made mad passionate love to me."
"My God, what did you tell them?" asked Hillary.
The driver replied: I said that I was Hillary Clinton's driver, and I just killed the old cow!"
"Q: Did you hear about the new Monica Lewinski poker machine?
A: If you get 3 Cigars it spits out a wad of Bills!"
Would You Like A Drink?
Jerry Falwell, a well-known religious protector of 'public decency', was seated next to Bill Clinton on a recent flight.
After the plane was airborne, the flight attendant came around for drink orders. Clinton asked for a whiskey and soda which were brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the minister if he would also like a drink.
The minister replied in disgust, "Ma'am, I'd rather be savagely raped by a brazen whore than let liquor touch these lips!"
Bill then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "I'm sorry, I didn't know there was a choice
Bubba called his attorney and asked, "I hear they are suing the cigarette companies for causing people to get cancer, and now someone is suing the fast food goliaths for making them fat, so what I want to know is, can I sue Budweiser for all the ugly women I have slept with?"
He found three such ladies in a local lounge---a blonde , a brunette , and a redhead.
To the blonde he said , "I am the president of the United States. How much would it cost me to spend some time with you?"
The blonde replied, "Two hundred dollars."
To the brunette he posed the same question , and she replied, "One hundred dollars.
"He then asked the redhead the same question.
The redhead replied, "Mr. President , if you can raise my skirt as high as my taxes.... Get my panties as low as my wages...get that thing of yours as hard as the times... Keep it high as the gas prices...keep me warmer than my apartment...
and...screw me in private the way you do in public, then believe me Mr. President , it ain't gonna cost you a cent."
Dan Quayle, Newt Gingrich and Bill Clinton are traveling in a car together in the Midwest.
A tornado comes along and whirls them up into the air and tosses them thousands of yards away.
When they come down and extract themselves from the vehicle, they realize they're in the land of Oz.
They decide to go to see the Wizard of Oz.
Quayle says, "I'm going to ask the Wizard for a brain."
Gingrich says, "I'm going to ask the Wizard for a heart."
Clinton says, "Where's Dorothy?"
The Clintons and the Gores were having dinner one evening, in 1996 and the topic of conversation got around to sex and partners.
They all agreed they would swap partners for the night. About 2:00 o'clock the next morning, Bill got up on one elbow in bed and said,
"Al, what do you suppose the women are doing right now?"
The American Indians have nicknamed Bill Clinton as "Walking Eagle" because he is so full of sh.. that he can't fly.
One day several years ago, Bill Clinton was looking for a call girl.
He found three such ladies in a local lounge---a blonde , a brunette , and a redhead.
To the blonde he said , "I am the president of the United States. How much would it cost me to spend some time with you?"
The blonde replied, "Two hundred dollars."
To the brunette he posed the same question , and she replied, "One hundred dollars.
"He then asked the redhead the same question.
The redhead replied, "Mr. President , if you can raise my skirt as high as my taxes.... Get my panties as low as my wages...get that thing of yours as hard as the times... Keep it high as the gas prices...keep me warmer than my apartment...
and...screw me in private the way you do in public, then believe me Mr. President , it ain't gonna cost you a cent."
A man walked into a cowboy bar and ordered a beer just as President Clinton appeared on the television. After a few sips, he looked up at the television and mumbled, "Now, there's the biggest horse's ass I've ever seen." A customer at the end of the bar quickly stood up, walked over to him, and decked him.
A few minutes later, as the man was finishing his beer, Hillary Clinton appeared on the television. "She's a horse's ass too," the man. This time, a customer at the other end of the bar quickly stood up, walked over to him, and knocked him off his stool. "Damn it!" the man said, climbing back up to the bar. "This must be Clinton country!"
"Nope," the bartender replied. "Horse country!"
ELECTION DAY SPECIALDear Mr. Ex-Pres:
I recently saw a bumper sticker that said, "Thank me, I voted forClinton-Gore." So, I sat down and reflected on that, and I am sending my "Thank you" for what you have done, . . . specifically:
1. Thank you for introducing us to Jennifer Flowers, Paula Jones, Monica Lewinsky, Dolly Kyle Browning, Kathleen Willey, and Juanita Broderick. Did I leave anyone out?
2. Thank you for teaching my 8 year old about oral sex. I had really planned to wait until they were older to discuss it with them, but now they know more about it than I did as a senior in college.
3. Thank you for showing us that sexual harassment in the work place (especially the White House) and on the job is OK, and all you have to know is what the meaning of "is" is. It really is great to know that certain sexual acts are not sex, and one person may have sex while the other one involved does NOT have sex.
4. Thank you for reintroducing the concept of impeachment to a new generation and demonstrating that the ridiculous plot of the movie "Wag the Dog" could be plausible after all.
5. Thanks for making Jimmy Carter look competent, Gerald Ford look graceful, Richard Nixon look honest, Lyndon Johnson look truthful, and John Kennedy look moral.
6. Thank you for the 73 House and Senate witnesses who have pled the 5th Amendment and 17 witnesses who have fled the country to avoid testifying about Democratic campaign fund raising.
7. Thank you, for the 19 charges, 8 convictions, and 4 imprisonments from the Whitewater "mess" and the 55 criminal charges and 32 criminal convictions (so far) in the other "Clinton" scandals.
8. Thanks also for reducing our military by half, "gutting" much of our foreign policy, and flying all over the world on "vacations" carefully disguised as necessary trips.
9. Thank you, also, for "finding" millions of dollars of excess tax money. I really didn't need it in the first place, and I can't think of a more well deserving group of recipients for my hard-earned dollars than jet fuel for all of your globe-trotting. I understand you; the family and your cronieshave logged in more time aboard Air Force One than any other administration.
10. Now that you've left the White House, thanks for the 140 pardons of convicted felons and indicted felons-in-exile. We will love to have them rejoin society.
11. Thanks also for removing the White House silverware, I'm sure that Laura Bush didn't like the pattern anyway. Also, enjoy the housewarming gifts you've received from your "friends".
12. Thanks to you and your staff in the West Wing of the White House for vandalizing and destroying government property on the way out. I also appreciate removing all of that excess weight (China, silverware, linen, towels, ash trays, soap, pens, magnetic compass, flight manuals, etc.) out of Air Force One. The weight savings means burning less fuel, thus lesstax dollars spent on jet fuel, thank you!
13. And finally, please ensure that Hillary enjoys the $8 million dollar advance for her upcoming "tell-all" book and you, Bill, the $5 million advance for your memoirs. Who says crime doesn't pay! (I am adding) $13 million and you now want us to pay for your legal bills??Also Bill Clinton is getting $12 million for his memoirs, and Hillary got $8 million for hers. That's $20 million for two people who for eight years repeatedly testified they couldn't remember anything.
God bless America and THANK YOU (once again) for spending my taxes so wisely and frugally.
Sincerely,
A US Citizen
P.S. Please pass along a special thank you to Al Gore for
"inventing" the Internet, without which I would not be able to send this letter.
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It has been 1625 days since the last post.