Blonde Horseback Riding

A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion.

It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip.

She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway.

The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider.

Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup and she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground again and again. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when......

The Wal-Mart manager runs out to shut the horse off.

 

Three blondes were training to be cops. One day their instructor asked each of them to to say the significance of a profile of a criminal. The first blonde replied - " Well that's easy, he has only one eye!"

After a slight pause, the instructor replied - " That's because it is his 'profile,' it only shows half his face." Slightly perturbed, he asked the second blonde. She replied - " Well that's soo simple, he has only one ear!"

Begining to get quite frustrated he said - " What the @##$% I just finished explaining that it's his profile, you can only see half of his #$$%@ face!" Extremely flustered, he asked the third blonde, and told her not to give him a stupid answer. After thinking for a while, she replied - " Of Course! He wears contacts!"

Looking quite dumbfounded, especially after the previous answers, the instructer said that he would go and check the man's files. After about fifteen minutes, he came back with a proud glow about him. " You're absolutely right, how did you know?" he asked. The blonde then replied - " Well Duh! How can he wear glasses with only one eye, and one ear?"
 

A blonde hurries into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off.

"How did this happen?" the emergency room doctor asked her.

"Well, I was trying to commit suicide," the blonde replied.

"What?" sputtered the doctor. "You tried to commit suicide by shooting your finger off?"

"No silly!" the blonde said. "First I put the gun to my chest,and I thought: I just paid $6,000.00 for these breast implants, I'm not shooting myself in the chest."

"So then?" asked the doctor.

"Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought: I just paid $3000.00 to get my teeth straightened, I'm not shooting myself in the mouth."

"So then?"

"Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: This is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in the other ear before I pulled the trigger."
 

I knew a blonde that was so stupid......

- she called me to get my phone number.

- she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said "concentrate."

- she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.

- she got stabbed in a shoot-out.

- she told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK."

- she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.

- she sat on the TV and watched the couch.

- she sent me a fax with a stamp on it.

- she tried to drown a fish.

- she thought a quarterback was a refund.

- she got locked in a grocery store and starved to death.

- if you gave her a penny for her thoughts, you'd get

- they had to burn the school down to get her out of third grade.

- under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked On Phonics."

- she tripped over a cordless phone.

- she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.

- at the bottom of the application where it says "sign here"...she put Sagittarius."

- she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.

- it takes her two hours to watch 60 Minutes.

- if she spoke her mind, she'd probably be speechless.

- she studied for a blood test.

- she thought Boyz II Men was a daycare center.

- she thought Meow Mix was a record for cats.

- she thought she needed a token to get on Soul Train.

- she sold the car for gas money.

- when she saw the "NC-17" (under 17 not admitted), she went home and got 16 friends.

- when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.

- she thinks Taco Bell is where you pay your phone bill.

- when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.

- when she took you to the airport and saw a sign that said -"Airport Left" she turned around and went home.

 

Two sisters inherited the family ranch.

Unfortunately, after just a few years, they were in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they needed to purchase a bull so that they could breed their own stock.

The sister who balanced their checkbook, a brunette, took their last 600 dollars out west to a ranch where a man had a prize bull for sale.

Upon leaving, she told her blonde sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."

The brunette arrived at the man's ranch, inspected the bull, and decided she did want to buy it.

The man told her that he would sell it for 599 dollars, no less.

After paying him, she drove to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walked into the telegraph office, and said, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull fo our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."

The telegraph operator explained that he'd be glad to help her,then added, "It's just 99 cents a word." Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only had 1 dollar left. She realized that she'd only be able to send her sister one word. After thinking for a few minutes, she nodded, and said, "I want you to send her the word, 'comfortable.'

"The telegraph operator shook his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, 'comfortable'?"

The sister explained, "She'll read it very slowly: Come-for-the-bull"   
 

A young brunette goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.

"Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me."

She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony.

She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams, everywhere she touches makes her scream.

The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette, are you?

She says "No, I'm really a blonde".

"I thought so," he says. "Your finger is broken,
 

It was the 4th of July and Marie was setting the table in the backyard for the annual bar-b-q.

As she set down the coleslaw she realized that her husband, Ronnie, was not present. Since he was a fireman and his job was crucial to the well being of people she assured herself that there was a fire somewhere and that he was tending to it.

An hour into the party Bob, John, and Lewis arrived. Since they were all co-workers and friends with Ron she thought that they would know where he would be.

"Where is Ron?" Marie asked.

"Well knowing Ron he's probably in Fire, lucky bastard!" answered John. "I've been in Fire before, if you get deep enough Fire gets wet," said Lewis with a wicked grin.

"We've all been in Fire before, that's why Fire is there," added Bob.

Marie decided that her husband was working and that his friends were drunk. "Wet fire?" thought Marie, "They've been drinking."

Half an hour later Ron arrived quite happy and sociable. "'Eybuddy! Where's Fire?!" yelled Bob obnoxiously as he and the others laughed. "She's at rest," answered Ron with a smile.

Marie couldn't believe her ears. "She? He must've meant it's at rest." Marie kept telling herself that until an extremely voluptuous blonde wearing a green, string bikini top and tight, denim short-shorts showed up.

As Marie realized she didn't know who this could-be-model was she walked up to her and said, "Hi, I'm Marie, Ron's wife; who are you?"As the blonde adjusted her top to keep her twin 44dds from falling out she replied with a luminous smile,

"My name is Fire
 

Blonde decides she wants to go ice fishing, so she gets all the equipment - heavy clothing, boots, rod & reel, ice auger, etc.

After walking around on the ice for awhile, she comes to what she thinks is a likely spot, puts down her stuff except the ice auger, and prepares to drill when a voice booms out "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THAT ICE!"

Startled, she looks all around but sees nobody. Nervously she decides to move. When she gets to another likely spot, once again she takes up her auger and once again the voice booms out even louder: "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THAT ICE!"

Now she's really getting scared - there isn't a soul in sight. Shaken, she trudges to yet a third spot, puts down her stuff, picks up the auger, and the voice comes again: "I TOLD YOU THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!!!"

She looks all around and looks up and meekly calls out "Is that you, Lord?"

And the voice booms out "NO, YOU IDIOT, I'M THE MANAGER OF THIS SKATING RINK!"

 

This blonde goes to the doctor complaining of headaches.

Noticing she hasn't taken off her headphones at all during the exam, he suggests they may be the cause of her headaches. He tells her to take them off. "Oh, no. I just couldn't," she says, "without them, I'd surely die." "Oh, come now," the doctor says, "let me help you." And he pulls them off her head.

Sure enough, moments later, she is dead on the floor. Curious, he picks up
the headphones and hears, "Breathe in...breathe out...breathe in...breathe out..."
 

A blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom.

She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, "I've kidnapped you."

She then wrote a note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed, a blonde."

The blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents. The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree. The blonde opened the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow blonde?"
 

What's the date today?" asks a blonde.

"I don't know. You've got a newspaper in your hands... why don't you look at it?"

"That wouldn't do any good, it's yesterday's paper."
 

She sat down and shouted "I swear, we had so much fun last night." She got a beer and then began to chant, "51 days, 51 days, 51 days."

Then another blonde walked in. She said the same thing and began to chant along with the other.

Finally another blonde came in with the same frame of mind. She chanted right along. "51 days, 51 days, 51days."

The bartender asked, "Why in the hell do you three keep saying 51 days?"

The blondes replied, "Because we bought one of those puzzles that say 2-3 years and we finished it in 51 days!"
 

A blond guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom.

He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.

"What's up?" he says.

"I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman.

He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says, "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!"

The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door.

Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor.

"You bastard!" says the husband, "My wife's having a heart attack and you're running around naked scaring the kids!"
 

Q: Why do blondes leave empty milk cartons in the fridge?
A: In case someone wants black coffee.
 

The Blonde's Revenge!

* Why are brunettes so proud of their hair?
It matches their mustache.

* What's black, blue, and brown and lying in a ditch?
A brunette who's told too many blonde jokes.

* What's the real reason a brunette keeps her figure?
No one else wants it!

* What do brunettes miss most about a great party?
The invitation.

* Why are so many blonde jokes one-liners?
So brunettes can remember them.

* What do you call a brunette in a room full of blondes?
Invisible.

* What's a brunette's mating call?"
Has the blonde left yet?

* What do you call a good looking man with a brunette?
A hostage

* Who makes bras for brunettes?
Fisher-Price   
 

What do you call an eternity?
Four blondes, in four cars, at a four way stop.

Why do blondes have TGIF written on there shoes?
Toes Go In First.

Three blondes were driving to disneyland.  After being in the car for four hours they finally saw a sign that said "Disneyland left"
So they turned around and went home.

What do SMART blondes and UFO's have in common?
You always hear about them, but never see them.

What did the blonde say when she opened a box of cheerios?
Oh, look daddy, doughnut seeds.

Why did the blonde stare at a can of frozen orange juice?
Because it said concentrate.

Why do blondes always smile during lightning storms?
They think their picture is being taken.

How can you tell when a blonde has sent you a fax?
It has a stamp on it.

Why can't blondes dial 911?
They can't find 11 on the phone.

What do you do if a blonde throws a pin at you?
Run, she's got a grenade in her mouth!

How can you tell if a blonde has been using your computer?

There is white-out all over the monitor.

Why shouldn't blondes have coffee breaks?I
t takes to long to retrain them.

A blonde and a brunette were walking outside when the brunette said, "Oh look at the dead bird."  
The blonde looked skyward and said, "Where, where."

How do you drown a blonde?
Put a scratch and sniff sticker at the bottom of the pool.

Why does it take longer to build a blonde snowman as opposed to a regular one?
You have to hollow out the head.

How do you get a twinkle in a blonde's eye?
Shine a flashlight in her ear.

Hear about the blonde that got an AM radio?
It took her a month to realize she could play it at night.

What happened to the blonde hockey team?
They drowned in spring training?

What did the blonde say when she saw the sign in front of theYMCA?"
Look, they spelled Macy's wrong."

How do you make a blonde laugh on saturday?
Tell her a joke on wednesday.   

 

A young couple, married just a couple of weeks, returns from their honeymoon to face the beginning of their new lives. The next morning the husband wakes up, showers, dresses and makes his way to the kitchen where he sees his new blonde wife crying.

So the husband inquires, "What's wrong, Honey?"

"Well, I came down here this morning to surprise you with a big breakfast, but I can't cook or clean."

The husband smiles his biggest smile and says, "There, there sweetie! I don't care that you can't cook and clean. Come on up to the bedroom and I'll show you what I'd like for breakfast."

So off they went to the bedroom.

That afternoon, the husband comes home for lunch to find his new wife crying again in the kitchen. "What's wrong now, Sweetie?"

"Well, the same thing as this morning. I came in here to make you something for lunch and I just can't cook."

Again the husband smiles and says, "Why don't you come back up to the bedroom and I'll have my lunch there!"

So off they went to the bedroom again.

That evening the new husband comes home, walks in the house and sees his new bride naked sliding down the banister of thestairs. Up she runs, and WHOOSH down the banister.

After the third trip the husband asks, "What are you doing, Honey?"

"Warming up your supper!" she replies.
 

There's a blonde in a bar, huge tits, an ass to die for...all round fuckin' babe.

A group of guys across the bar see this fine lookin' lady and decide they are going to see if the "head hauncho" of the group can pick this chick up!

So all the guys put $20 in the pot and send off this sorry bastard toward the blonde.

He standing there, she smiles...he whispers a few sweet nothings in her ear, she laughs...he takes her by the hand, and she leaves with him.

The guys can't believe it!

So the guy and gal end up goin' back to his place. The guy has the largest fuckin' "chubb" on in the world...and before a fat bitch could finish eating a ding dong...they're fucking like pigs!

After about 2 minutes of barn yard banging, the guy jizzes all over the bitch an decides he's had enough and tells the blonde to roll over.

After about 3 minutes of layin' around the blonde turns towards the guy and asks, "Do you have AIDS?"

He says, "Fuck no!"

And she replies, "PPPHHeeeEEEWWW!!! THANK GOD! I WOULDN'T WANTA CATCH THAT AGAIN...
 

Two blondes are walking in the woods when one looks down and says," Look dog poop" The other bends down and smells it," "Smells like dog poop"

They both stick there fingers in it"feels like dog poop" They taste it" Taste like dog poop" One says to the other "Sure glad we didin't step in it."
 

Suddenly, the officer notices that one is still breathing so he approaches her and asks, "Why did you three beautiful girls leap out of that building?"

The blonde answers in a very weak voice, "We wanted to try out our new maxi-pads, with wings..."
 

Why does a blonde only change her baby's diapers once a month?
Because the label says, Good for up to 20 pounds.

Why do blondes wear shoulder pads?
To protect their skulls as their heads rock left and right.

How do you kill a blonde?
Put spikes in her shoulder pads.

Why do blondes have more fun?
Because they don't know any better.

What's the difference between a blonde and a computer?
You only have to put information into a computer once.

How does a blonde do a High-Five?
She smacks herself in the forehead.

Why do blondes wear their hair up?
To try and catch everything that's over their heads.

What do you call a bunch of blondes in a circle?
A dope ring.

Why don't blondes eat pickles?
Their heads always get stuck in the jar.

Why don't blondes like to make Kool-Aid?
Because they can't fit 8 cups of water into those little
packages.

What did the blonde call her zebra?
Spot.

Why do blondes hate the G.E.D.?
Because they can't spell it.

How do you get a blonde to climb up on the roof?
Tell her that the drinks are on the house.

What's a blonde's favorite T-shirt slogan?
I'm a natural blonde, please speak slowly.

What's the definition of gross ignorance?
144 blondes.

Why did the blonde freeze in the winter?
Because she went to the drive-in to see Closed for the Season.

Why can't blondes be pharmacists?
Because they can't get the bottles into the typewriter.

What do you call an intelligent blonde?
A golden retriever.

Why do blondes wear a ponytail?
To hide the valve stem.

How can you tell if a blonde writes mysteries?
She has a checkbook.

What is the only job a blonde can do in an M&M factory?
Proofreading.

Why would a blonde wear green lipstick?
Because red means Stop.

What do blondes and cow pies have in common?
The older they get, the easier they are to pick up.

What is the mating call of a blonde?
I'm soooo drunk!

What is the mating call of an ugly blonde?
I said, Oh, I'm drunk!

What is the mating call of a brunette?
Is that @$#&! blonde gone yet?

Why do blondes always fail driver's tests?
Every time the car stops, they hop in the back seat.

What did the blonde's mom say before her daughter went out on a
date?
If you're not in bed by 10 PM, come home!

What does a blonde use for birth control?
Brown hair-dye.

What are the first two things that a blonde does in the morning?
1. She introduces herself. 2. She goes home.

How do you confuse a blonde?
Put her in a round room and tell her to pee in the corner.

How does a blonde confuse you?
She tells you she did.

One day, a blonde was driving to California. On the way, she saw
a sign that said, Clean Restrooms Ahead. By the time she finally
reached the coast, she had scrubbed and polished 68 of them.

Blondes are too biased. It's always, "Buy us this, buy us that!"

I once knew a suicidal blonde, she dyed by her own hands.

What's the difference between a blonde and the Atlantic Coast?
The Atlantic Coast would never have that many crabs.

What's the difference between a blonde and a taxi cab?
You have to pay to ride in a taxi cab.

What is the difference between a blonde and the local football
team?
The blonde has the higher sperm count.

Why aren't blondes good cattle herders?
Because they can't even keep two calves together!

What is the difference between a circus and a group of blondes?
At the circus you'll find a cunning array of stunts.

What did the blonde do when her doctor told her she had sugar in
her urine?
She peed on her corn flakes.

What did the blind blonde say to her new boyfriend as she was
making love to him?
"That's funny, you don't feel Jewish."

What did the blonde say when she knocked over the priceless Ming
vase?
"It's OK Daddy, I'm not hurt."

How does a blonde commit suicide?
She gathers her clothes into a pile and jumps off.

How do you plant dope?
Bury a blonde.

How does a blonde measure his/her IQ?
With a tire gauge!

How do you tell when a blonde reaches orgasm?
A1: She drops her nail-file!
A2: Who cares?
A3: She says, "Next".
A4: The next person in the queue taps you on the shoulder.
A5: He's had his clothes for about 2 minutes.
A6: I mean, who really cares?
A7: The batteries have run out.

How do you tell if a blonde did your landscaping?
The bushes are darker than the rest of the yard

How can you tell if a blonde has had a good night?
Her undies will stick to the wall.

How do you confuse a blond?
You don't, they're born that way.
 

Ask a blonde if she is a real blonde. Then ask her to prove it!
 

One day, A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead were stranded on a desert.

As they were walking, hoping to find civilization, they came across a lamp that was shiny.

The blonde was attracted to it, so she rubbed on it.

As they continued walking (The brunette and the redhead aren't dumb), out popped a genie! "Hooray!" shouted the Bruntte and Redhead,"Finally, you did something good!"

The genie would grant three wishes who ever comes upon them, and there were three girls, so they each got one wish.

The brunette said,"I miss my family, I want to go home." Poof! She disappeared!

The redhead said,"I miss my family, too, can I go home?" Poof! She disappeared!

Then the blonde made her wish. She thought long and hard,"Hmmmmmmmm... I really miss my friends, can you bring them back?"
 

Once apon a time a blonde came to work crying her eyes out. Soon her boss heard her and asked her why. She replied "My dad just Died!". "Oh" the boss said "you should go home and rest.". "I need to do something to keep my mind off it."............

Later that day The boss heard her crying and screaming. "What's Wrong?". He asked. The blonde replied "My sister just called and her dad died too!!!"
 

1. A blonde, a red head, and a brunette escape from jail. The only place to hide was a barn in the distance. So they went into the barn and looked around. The only thing
inside of the barn was 3 sacks. And each of the women crawled into the sacs. The only real place they saw was the barn in the distance, so they went and checked it out. The only thing that they saw was 3 sacs. The police chief went over and kicked the first sack and heard ""WOOF WOOF". And thought nothing, but a dog here. Went over to the next sac and kicked that and heard "MEOW MEOW". Just a cat here. Then went over to the blonde's sac and kicked it and heard "IDAHO IDAHO".

2. What happen to the national blonde Ice Hockey team?
THEY DROWNED IN SPRING TRAINING.

3. What did the blonde say when she opened a box of cheerios?
OoO DONUT SEEDS

4. What do you call a blonde with half a brain?
Gifted!

5. Did you hear about the blond skydiver?
She missed the Earth!

6. What do you call a brunette with a blonde on either side?
An interpreter.

7. What do you call a blonde between two brunettes?
A mental block.

8. How do you change a blonde's mind?
Blow in her ear.
A2: Buy her another beer.

9. Why did the blonde keep ice cubes in the freezer?
So she could keep the refrigerator cold.

10. How did the blonde break her leg playing hockey with the Toronto Maple Leafs?
She fell out of the tree.

11. What can strike a blonde without her even knowing it?
A thought.

12.How many blondes does it take to play Hide and Seek?
One.

13. What do a bowling ball and a blonde have in common?
Chances are they'll both end up in the gutter.

14. What is the difference between a smart blonde and Bigfoot?
Bigfoot has been spotted.

15. What's the difference between a blonde and a telephone?
It costs 30 cents to use a telephone.

16. There's Santa Claus, The Easter Bunny, A dumb blonde, and a smart blonde in a room. In the center of the room is a hundred dollar bill.
WhO WiLl GeT To It FiRsT?
THE DUMB BLONDE BECAUSE THE OTHER DON'T EXIST

17. Whats the most request organ to be transplanted?
Blonde's brain because its never been used

18. A blonde and a brunette are skydiving. The brunette jumps out the Plane and pulls the cord - nothing happens. She pulls the emergency Cord and still nothing.
The blonde jumps out of the plane and yells "Oh! So you wanna race, huh?"

19. What do you see when you look into a blonde's eyes?
The back of her head.

20. How do you make a blonde laugh on Monday mornings?
Tell them a joke on Friday night!
 

A knock out blonde is on a 22nd floor balcony of an apartment building. She leans over the railing to get a better view of what lies below when she falls over.

On the 20th floor, a Torontonian happens to be on his balcony too. His arms are outstretched admiring the great view from his new apartment when the blonde lands in his arms. Of course, she's extactic, and says: "Thank you, thank you, how can I ever repay you for saving my life?" To which he responds: "Suck my dick!" The Blonde says "No!", and with that the Torontonian drops her.

On the 16th floor, a New Yorker is out on his balcony. The blonde, again by some strange stroke of luck, gets caught by the New Yorker. She is so happy to be alive, that she says: "Thank you, thank you, how can I ever repay you for saving
my life? I'd even suck your dick." To which the New Yorker says: "Be my sex slave for the next hour." The blonde without thinking, says: "No!", and with that the New Yorker drops her.

On the 13th floor, a Newfie is out on his buddy's balcony (as he couldn't afford a nice apartment in the first place), when he catches the blonde. She is so happy to be alive, and amazed by what has just happened, that she says: "Thank you, thank
you, how can I ever repay you for saving my life? I'd suck your dick, or even become your sex slave!" To which the Newfie says "Slut!" and drops her...
 

Once upon a time, a blonde became so sick of hearing blonde jokes that she had her hair cut and dyed brown. A few days later, as she was driving around the countryside, she stopped her car to let a flock of sheep pass. Admiring the cute woolly creatures, she said to the shepherd, "If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I take one?"

The shepherd, always the gentleman replied, "Of course."

The blonde thought for a moment and for no discernible reason said, "352."

This being the correct number, the shepherd was, understandably, totally amazed and exclaimed, "You're right! O.K., I'll keep to my end of the deal. Take your pick of my flock."

The blonde carefully considered the entire flock and finally picked one that was by far cuter and more playful than any of the others.

When she was done, the shepherd turned to her and said, "O.K., now I have a proposition for you. If I can guess your true hair color, can I have my dog back?
 

Three pregnant women--a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde--were sitting in the OBGYN waiting room, discussion conception.

"My husband and I conceived in the missionary position," said the brunette, "so our baby will be a boy."

"My boyfriend and I conceived in the female-superior position," said the redhead," so we're having a girl."

As the blonde listened to the two women's conversation, she suddenly burst into tears. "My god!" she cried, "I'm having puppies!"
 

After spying a beautiful blond walking by a man says to God, "God, why did you make blondes so beautiful?"

God responded, "So you would love her."

"But God", The man replied, "Why did you make her so dumb?"

God replies, "So she would love you."
 

A brunette is dancing happily down the railroad tracks, singing to herself "...21 ...21 ...21 ..."

After a little while, a blonde walks up to her. She observes for a minute and then asks, "What are you doing?"

The brunette does not answer and keeps singing "...21 ...21 ...21 ..."

So the blond jumps on the tracks and follows herdancing and starts singing "...21 ...21 ...21 ..." A little later a train comes down the tracks. The brunette jumps off, but the blonde keeps dancing and singing to her self and gets hit by the train.

The brunette gets back on the track and starts dancing and singing again, "...22 ...22 ...22
 

A guy took a blonde out on a date. Eventually they ended up parked at a "lovers point" where they started making out.

After things started getting pretty good, he thought he might get lucky, so he asked her, "Do you want to get into the back seat?"

"NO!" she answered. Okay, he thought, maybe she's not ready yet. Now he has her shirt and skirt off, the windows are steamed, and things are getting really hot, so he asks again, "Do you want to get into the back seat?"

"NO!" she answers again. Now he has her bra off, they're both very sweaty, and she even has his pants unzipped. Okay, he thinks, she HAS to want it now. "Do you want to get into the back seat NOW?" he asks again. "NO!" she answers yet again.

Frustrated, he demands, "Well, why not!?" "Because I want to stay up here with you!"
 

Two blondes went shopping one day.

They got done shopping and went out to their brand new, cherry red convertible.

They got to the car and noticed that they had locked their keys in the car.

So they tried to think of a way to get the keys out.

After trying for an hour and a half, one blonde notices that there is a rainstorm coming and says, "You better hurry up because it is gonna rain and the top is down!"

 

One day a blond went to find a job at a orchard. He got the job and in came his first customer.
The customer asked, "How much are these apples?" and the blond yelled, "I don't know!"

The customer left and the boss came in and said, "When somebody asks you that question, you say only 50 cents!"

So another customer came in and said, "How much are those apples?" And the blonde said only 50 cents.

Then the customer asked, "Are they fresh?" and the blonde screemed, "I don't
know!"

So the customer left and the boss said, "When somebody asks you that question you say fresh, fresh, very fresh."

Another customer came in and said, "How much are those apples?"

The blonde replied, "Only 50 cents!"

Then the customer asked, "Are they fresh?"

The blond said, "Fresh, fresh, very fresh."

Then the customer asked "Can I buy them?"

And the blonde screemed, "I don't know! I'm a new guy, get it?"

So the customer left and the boss comes in and said, "When somebody asked you
that question, you said, "If you don't somebody else will."

One day a robber came in and he asked, "How much money do you have in that cash register?"

The blond replied, "Only 50 cents!"

Then the robber asked, "Are you being fresh with me?"

The blond replied, "Fresh, fresh, very fresh!"

Then the robber asked, "Can I shoot you?"

The blond replied, "If you don't sombody else will."
 

What do you do when a blonde throws a grenade at you?

Take the pin out of it and throw it back!!!

What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you?

RUN shes got a grenade in her hand!!!
 

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"

The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!"

Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.

Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge nine foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Laying nearby were several more of the dead creatures.

The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the alligator on it's back, and frustrated, shouts, "Damn, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"
 

One day a very fat blonde met a very skinny brunette downtown. The blonde gave the brunette a long look full of contempt and said, "Looking at you, I'd think this country is suffering from starvation."

The brunette just smiled and replied, "Looking at you, I'd think you're the reason."
 

A blond, a redhead and a brunette, all work at the same office for a female boss, who all ways goes home early."Hey girl's" said the bruette " let's go home early tomorrow. She'll never know".so the next day they all leave after the boss does.

The brunette gets some extra gardening done, the redhead goes to a bar,and the
blond goes home to find her husband having sex with her boss. So she sneaks out of the house. So the next day at work the brunette says "that was fun", we should do it again sometime."no way" says the blond" I almost got caught".
 

Top 5 Blond Inventions:

5. Water proof tea bag

4. Water proof towel

3. A new item at an antique store

2. Discount price to a free show

1. A book on how to read
 

There are 3 girls in the third grade, a redhead, a brunette, and a blonde.

Who has the best figure?

The blonde. She's 19.
 

The blonde reported for her University final examination which consisted
of "true/false" questions.

She took her seat in the examination hall, stared at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration took out her purse, removed a coin, and started tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet.
- True for Heads and False for Tails.

Within half an hour she had completed the exam while the rest of the class
was feverishly continuing to work.

During the last few minutes, she desperately began throwing the coin, swearing, and sweating. The instructor, alarmed, approached her and asked if there was a problem. "I finished the exam in half an hour," she replied, "Now, I am rechecking my answers."
 

A blonde was very upset at all the dumb blonde jokes she was constantly hearing.

She decided that she would learn all the state capitals in an effort to defend blondes everywhere. She went home and spent the entire evening learning them all.

The next day, someone at her office told a dumb blonde joke and she immediately retorted, "Hey ... I bet I know something that ALL of you don't know.

I know ALL of the state capitals which proves that not all blondes are dumb."

The people in her office were somewhat dubious.

One of her co-workers finally asked, "Ok ... what's the capital of Texas?"

To which she smugly replied, "T."
 

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can
paint my porch. How much will you charge?"

The blonde said "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"

The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
 

What's the difference between a mosquito and a blonde?
When you slap a mosquito, it will stop sucking.

What's the difference between a blonde and the Atlantic Coast?
The Atlantic Coast would never have that many crabs.

What's the difference between a blonde and a taxi cab?
You have to pay to ride in a taxi cab.

How do you give a blonde more headroom?
Adjust the steering wheel.

Why did the blonde have lip stick on her steering wheel?
She was trying to blow the horn.

Why does a blonde wear panties?
To keep her ankles warm.

What is the difference between a blonde and the local football
team?
The blonde has the higher sperm count.

How does a blonde turn on the lights after having sex?
Opens the car door.

What do blondes and cow pies have in common?
The older they get, the easier they are to pick up.

Why aren't blondes good cattle herders?
Because they can't even keep two calves together!

What did the blonde's right leg say to the left leg?
Nothing. They've never met.

Why is a blonde like a turtle?
They are both fucked when they're on their back.

What did the blonde's mom say to her before she went out?
If you're not in bed by midnight, come home.

What's a blonde's favorite nursery rhyme?
Humpme Dumpme.

What is the difference between a circus and a group of blondes?
At the circus you'll find a cunning array of stunts.

What did the blonde do when her doctor told her she had sugar in
her urine?
She peed on her corn flakes.

What did the blind blonde say to her new boyfriend as she was
making love to him?
"Funny, you don't feel Jewish."

What did the blonde do when she noticed that someone had already
written on the overhead transparency?
She turned it over and used the other side.

What did the really dumb blond say when someone blew in her bra?
Thanks for the refill.

What did the blonde say when she knocked over the priceless Ming
vase?
"It's OK Daddy, I'm not hurt."

How does a blonde commit suicide?
She gathers her clothes into a pile and jumps off.

How do you plant dope?
Bury a blonde.

Why did god give blondes 2% more brains than horses?
Because he didn't want them shitting in the streets during
parades.

How do you get a one-armed blonde out of a tree?
Wave to her.

How does a blonde measure his/her IQ?
With a tire gauge! (da da dum)

How does the blond turn on the light after she has had sex?
She opens the car door.

How do you tell when a blonde reaches orgasm?
She says, "Next".

How do you make a blonde's eyes light up?
Shine a flashlight in their ear.

Why do blondes wear shoulder pads?
(With a rocking of the head from side to side) I dunno!

How do you kill a blonde?
Put spikes in their shoulder pads.

How do blondes pierce their ears?
They put tacks in their shoulder pads.

How does a blonde like her eggs?
Unfertilized.

How do you drown a blond?
Leave a scratch and sniff at the bottom of the pool.

How do you tell if a blonde did your landscaping?
The bushes are darker than the rest of the yard.
 

3 blondes were walking in the forest one day. They saw a set of
tracks and started arguing about what kind of tracks they were.

The first blonde said, "I think they're deer tracks".

The secondblonde said, "I think they're dog tracks".

The third blonde said, "Well, I think they're cow tracks".

They were still arguing when the train hit them.
 

A blonde's car breaks down on the Interstate one day.
So she eases it over onto the shoulder of the road. She
carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk.

Out of the trunk jump two men in trench coats who walk to the
rear of the vehicle where they stand facing oncoming traffic and
begin opening their coats and exposing their nude bodies to
approaching drivers...

Not surprisingly, one of the worst pileups in the history of
this highway occurs. It's not very long before a police car
shows up. The cop, clearly enraged, runs toward the blonde of
the disabled vehicle yelling, "What the heck is going on here?"

My car broke down," says the blonde, calmly.

"Well, what are these perverts doing here by the road?!" asks
the cop.

And she said, "Those are my emergency flashers"

 

The young blonde bride made her first appointment with a gynecologist and told him that she and her husband wished to start a family.

"We've been trying for months now, doctor, and I don't seem to be able to get pregnant," she confessed miserably.

"I'm sure we'll solve your problem," the doctor reassured her.

"If you'll just take off your clothes and get up on the examining table."

"Well, all right, doctor," agreed the young woman, blushing, "but I'd rather have my husband's baby."
 

A ventriloquist is on stage with his dummy telling numerous blonde jokes.

A rather sophisticated looking blonde in the audience interrupts the act and says "Excuse me sir, but I find it personally offensive in that you keep berating blonde women.

I happen to be a college graduate and quite successful in my career, do you think you could find another stereotype to poke fun at? "

The ventriloquist replies "Im certainly sorry you take offense miss, it is only an act and not really my personal opinion"

The blonde replies "Im not talking to you,I'm talking to that little fella on your lap."
 

A blonde and her boyfriend have just gotten out of bed after a wild night of lovemaking.

Her bellybutton is sore.

Why?

Her boyfriend is a blonde, too.
 

A blonde wanted to buy a TV, so she went into the store.

She found one she wanted, and asked the shop assistant what the price was.

"I'm sorry, we don't serve blondes," his reply was.

The blonde walked out, and got her hair colored into red.

Next day, she walked in, and asked the shop assistant how much her chosen TV was.

"I'm sorry, we don't serve blondes," his reply was again.

She was confused. So, again, she walked out.

She got her hair colored into black. Next day, she walked in, and asked how much was her chosen TV.

"I'm sorry, we don't serve blondes!" his reply was again.

Now the blonde was really confused.

"How did you know I was a blonde?" asked the girl.

"Well, because what you've got there is a microwave. "
 

One day, this cop noticed a woman in a bright red sports car and she was speeding, so he pulled her over, and noticed that she was a drop-dead gorgeous blond woman.

He said,"Ma'am, may I see your liscence?"

"Liscence, what's that?" the beautiful woman asked.

"It's usually in your wallet." The officer said.

She couldn't find it.

"Well then, may I see your registration?"asked the officer.

"Registration? What's that?" the blonde woman asked"

It's usually in your glove compartment." The officer said.

The blonde rummaged thru her glove compartment. She couldnt find it.

So the officer said, "Ma'am I'll be right back." he said ashe walked back to his cop car and called the dispatcher.

The officer said,"I've just pulled over a woman without registration or a liscence."

The dispatcher said,"Is she in a red sports car and is she a dropdead gorgeous blond?"

"Yes." said the officer.

"Ok just pull down your pants in front of her," the dispatcher said,

"No! that's .............innapropriate!" screamed the officer.

"No- just do it." ordered the dispatcher.So the officer walked back to the blonde woman and pulled down his pants.

"Oh no! not another breatalizer!" screamed the blonde woman.   
 

A man was taking his daily jog and he decided that he would go a bit farther, but he ended up getting lost near this mansion.

He knocks on the door and he sees a rich man answer the door. He needs a place to stay for a while, but the rich man refuses to let him in the mansion to stay, but offers him to stay in a small barn for the night, and that barn is filled with 18 beautiful blondes, but the rich man told him that none of the blondes wanted any sex.

The man agrees anyway.

In the barn everyone was getting ready to go to sleep, but the man was determined to have sex...

The next day, the man knocked on the mansions door again, the rich man answered, and immediately said, "what the hell happened to you!?"

The man replied, "I know, I know," I just told them I was a professional golfer and big championship today, and I just HAD to go through 18 holes..
 

A pretty young blonde visiting her new doctor for the first time found herself alone in a small waiting room.

She began undressing nervously, preparing herself for the upcoming examination. Just as she draped the last of her garments over the back of a chair, a light rap sounded on the door and a young doctor strode in.

Coming to an abrupt halt, the doctor looked his nude patient up and down carefully and with considerable appreciation.

"Miss Smith," he said finally, "it seems quite obvious to me that until today you have never undergone an eye examination."
 

Well, folks, it has finally happened. The blondes of the world got together and have decided to take revenge on the brunettes:

WHAT'S BLACK AND BLUE AND BROWN AND LAYING IN A DITCH?
A brunette who's told too many blonde jokes.

WHAT DO YOU CALL GOING ON A BLIND DATE WITH A BRUNETTE?
Brown-bagging it.

WHAT'S THE REAL REASON A BRUNETTE KEEPS HER FIGURE?
No one else wants it.

WHY ARE SO MANY BLONDE JOKES ONE-LINERS?
So brunettes can remember them.

WHAT DO YOU CALL A BRUNETTE IN A ROOM FULL OF BLONDES?
Invisible.

WHAT'S A BRUNETTE'S MATING CALL?
"Has the blonde left yet? "

WHY DIDN'T INDIANS SCALP BRUNETTES?
The hair from a buffalo's butt was more manageable.

WHY IS THE BRUNETTE CONSIDERED AN EVIL COLOR?
When was the last time you saw a blonde witch?

WHAT DO BRUNETTES MISS MOST ABOUT A GREAT PARTY?
The invitation

WHAT DO YOU CALL A GOOD LOOKING MAN WITH A BRUNETTE?
A hostage

WHO MAKES BRAS FOR BRUNETTES?
Fisher-Price

WHY ARE BRUNETTES SO PROUD OF THEIR HAIR?
It matches their mustache
 

One day Blond Mary took her baby sister for a walk up the street.

Her sister still had to ride in a stroller of course. Anyway, Mary
saw her friend Linda. She yelled to Linda to wait for her. So
Mary made her way up the hill.

Once she finally got to Linda she started to talk to her. Suddenly her sister in the stroller started to roll down the hill. "Mary! Your sister is rolling down the hill! Hurry go get her!!!" said Linda.

Mary said very calmly and confident "Don't worry about it....there's a stop
sign at the bottem of the hill."
 

What do you call 12 blondes standing side to side...
A wind tunnel.

Why do Blondes wash their hair in the kitchen sink...
That's where you wash vegetables.

What is the difference between a smart blonde and Big Foot....
Big Foot has been sighted.

Why does a blonde have T.G.I.F. on her shoes.....
Toes Go In First.

Why don't blondes like to make Kool-Aid....
They can't fit 8 quarts of water in that little package.

How to totally confuse a blonde....
Give her a bag of M&M'S and tell her to put them in alphabetical order.

What do blondes and cow pies have in common.....
The older they get, the easier they are to pick up.

How does a blonde turn on the light after sex....
She opens the car door.

What do blondes and beer bottles have in common.....
They're both empty from the neck up.

What's the mating call of a Blonde....
I'm so Druuuuuuuunk!
 

How do you get a Blonde to marry you ...
Tell her she is pregnant.

How do you drown a blonde ...
Put a scratch and sniff on the bottom of the bath tub.

What does a blonde put behind her ears to attract men ...
Her Feet.

What does a Blonde say after sex ..
Are you guys all on the same team?

Why don't blondes like to eat pickles ...
Their head gets stuck in the jar.

How do you know when a blonde is stressed ..
There is a tampon behind her ear and who knows where the pencil is.

What do you call 20 blondes in a circle ..
A dope ring.

What did the blonde say after the doctor told her she was pregnant ...
Are you sure it's mine.

What do you call a group of blondes in a freezer ...
Frosted Flakes

Why did the blonde climb over the chain link fence ...
To see what was on the other side.
 

What do you have when you have 4 blonds under your car?
AIR SUSPENSION

what do you have when you have 10 blonds in a row?
WIND TUNNEL

rated R

what do you have when you have 10 blonds standing on their heads?
7 BRUNETTES THREE REDHEADS
 

The other day I encountered a blonde college student majoring in Psychology. Being a college student myself, I decided to engage her in an intellectual conversation about English 102--and how these damn English "professors" have to be manic depressives considering some of the "literature" that they say is great!

Anyhow, as an afterthought, I asked her if she heard about a new book called "The Yellow River" by I.P. Freely. This went completly over her head! She said that she had heard of it, that it was supposed to be a great book, and that she intended to read it. It was only a little while later that she finally "got" the pun. Oh well, so much for blonde psychology majors!

1.Why aren't there any blonde bisexuals?
Twice a year isn't enough.

2.What type of guys do dumb blondes like?
The ones that give them the finger.

3.What do dumb blondes consider foreplay?
Removing their underwear.

4.What do blondes eat to increase their bust size?
Silicone chips.

5.Hows a blonde get rid of unwanted pubic hair?
He spits it out.

6.What's a dumb blonde's favorite cigarette?
More Longs.

7.Why doesn't a dumb blonde snort coke?
Because the bubbles tickle her nose.

8.How a dumb blonde carries out a pregnancy test?
"Did you come inside me?"

9.The difference between a blonde &a trampoline?
You take your shoes off before you get on a trampoline.

10.How does a dumb blonde count money?
One, another one, another one . .
 

What did the father say to his dumb blonde daughter?
"Hard to believe you outswam all those other sperm".

What's a dumb blonde's idea of romance?
A lift home afterwards.

Why do dumb blondes go out in pair?
So they have someone to keep score.

What do you give a dumb blonde before you start going out with her?
A complete medical.

Did you hear about the dumb blonde who was a lousy cook?
She used her smoke alarm for a timer.

Why did the dumb blonde musician have bruises on the side of her head?
She was trying to play piano by ear.

Did you hear about the blonde that wanted personalized plates?
She changed her name to GZR 728.

If a dumb blonde got a penny for her every thought, she'd be broke.
 

1.Why did the blonde pee on the floor?
Because the sign said "wet floor."

2.What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells?
Pregnant.

3.Why don't blondes make good cattle herders?
They can't even keep their calves together.

4.Did you hear about the dumb blonde that died drinking milk?
Cow fell on her.

5.What's the difference between a dumb blonde and a mosquito?
A mosquito stops sucking when you slap it.

6.How do you get a blonde pregnant?
Come in her shoes and let the flies do the rest.

7.How do you amuse a blonde for hours?
Write 'Please turn over' on both sides of a piece of paper.

8.How does a blonde hold her liquor?
By the ears.

9.How does a blonde moonwalk?
She pulls down her panties and slides her butt along the floor.

10.Why are only 2% of blondes touch-typists?
The rest are hunt'n peckers.
 

Why are there no dumb brunettes?
Peroxide.

What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimers disease?
Her IQ goes up!

Why did the blonde wear condoms on her ears?
So she wouldn't get Hearing Aids.

A government study has shown that blondes do have more fun.
They just don't remember who with.

What do you call a blonde in an institution of higher learning?
A visitor.

Did you hear about the blonde coyote?
Got stuck in a trap, chewed off three legs and was still stuck.

How does a blonde commit suicide?
She gathers her clothes into a pile and jumps off.

Why are blondes going out and getting boob jobs ?
Because they heard there was a flat tax and they didn't want to pay!

Did you hear about the blonde lesbian?
She kept having affairs with men.

How can you tell when a FAX had been sent from a blonde?
There is a stamp on it.

 

What's the disease that paralyzes blondes below the waist?
Marriage.

What is foreplay for a blonde?
Thirty minutes of begging.

Why do blonde's find it difficult to marry?
Because you don't have to marry them for sex.

To a blonde, what is long and hard?
Grade 4.

What is the definition of gross ignorance?
A 144 blondes.

Why do blondes like lightning?
They think someone is taking their picture.

Why did the blonde keep a coat hanger in her back seat?
In case she locks the keys in her car.

Why did they call the blonde twinkie?
She liked to be filled with cream.

Why are blondes like cornflakes?
Because they're simple, easy and they taste good.

How can you tell if a blonde works in an office?
A bed in the stockroom and huge smiles on all the bosses' faces.
 

Why did the blonde snort NutraSweet?
She though it was Diet Coke.

Why is a blonde like McDonald's?
They can both use the slogan, "Billions Served."

What's the difference between Indiana and a blonde?
A blonde has larger hills and deeper valleys.

What's the difference between a blonde and a guy?
The blonde has the higher sperm count.

How is a blonde like peanut-butter?
They spread for the bread.

What nickname is most used by blondes in order to boost their popularity?
B.J.

Why do blondes get confused in the ladies room?
They have to pull their own pants down.

What is the difference between blondes and traffic signs?
Some traffic signs say stop.

What is the difference between a blonde and a lightbulb?
The lightbulb is smarter, but the blonde is easier to turn on.

What is the difference between a blonde and a bitch?
A blonde will have sex with anyone, a bitch will have sex with anyone but you
 

A blonde studying to be a counselor always went into her counseling sessions with an ear muff over one ear.

After a while the supervisor became very curious and asked her about it.

She replied, "It's for confidentiality."

"Confidentiality?" asked the bewildered supervisor.

"Yes, confidentiality," the blonde explained, "I've been told what goes in one ear comes out the other and I don't want anyone else knowing what my client says."


 

Cousin Elly (a Blond) is the world's worst at getting instructions mixed up.

When she got married her husband bought her one of those fancy, electric coffee makers. It had all the latest gadgets on it.

Salesman Riley carefully explained how everything worked; how to plug it in, set the timer, go back to bed, and upon rising, the coffee is ready."

A few weeks later Elly was back in the store and Riley asked her how she liked the coffee maker.

"Wonderful!" she replied, "However, there's one thing I don't understand. Why do I have to go to bed every time I want to make a pot of coffee?"
 

Neither one of them has ever been duck hunting before and after several hours they still haven't bagged any.

One hunter looks at the other and says "I just don't understand it. Why aren't we getting any ducks?
"
Her friend says "I keep telling you, I just don't think we're throwing the dog high enough."
 

A flying saucer landed at a gas station on a lonely country road.

The two space aliens inside seemed completely unconcerned about detection; in fact, the letters "UFO" were emblazoned in big, bold letters on one side of their shiny craft.

As the station owner stood and gawked in silence, paralyzed with shock, his young blond attendant nonchalantly filled up the tank and waved to the two aliens as they took off.

"Do you realize what just happened?" the station owner finally uttered.

"Yeah," said the blond attendant. "So?"

"Didn't you see the space aliens in that vehicle?!"

"Yeah," repeated the blonde attendant. "So?"

"Didn't you see the letters 'UFO' on the side of that vehicle?!"

"Yeah," repeated the blonde attendant. "So?"

"Don't you know what 'UFO' means?!"

The blonde attendant rolled his eyes. "Good grief, boss!
I've been working here for six years."

Of course I know what 'UFO' means

'Unleaded Fuel Only.'"

A noted psychiatrist was a guest at a blonde gathering, and his hostess naturally broached the subject in which the doctor was most at ease. "Would you mind telling me, Doctor,"she asked, "how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?"

"Nothing is easier," he replied. "You ask a simple question which anyone should answer with no trouble. If he hesitates, that puts you on the track."

"What sort of question?"

"Well, you might ask him, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?'

The blonde thought a moment, then said with a nervous laugh, "You wouldn't happen to have another example would you?

I must confess I don't know much about history."
 

10. Why don't blondes make good farmers?
They can't keep their calves together

9. What did the blond say when she woke up in a pasture under a cow?
What are you guys still doing here?

8 . Blondes are like.....Lava lamps
Fun to look at, but not all that bright.

7. Did you hear about the new "Blonde" paint?
It's not very expensive, and it spreads easy!

6. What do you call three blondes in a swimming pool?
Air Bubbles.

5. Hear about the blonde who bought snow tires?
She stored them in the freezer.

4. Why are there not many blonde bisexuals?
Twice a year isn’t enough

3. How does a blonde get rid of unwanted pubic hair?
Just spits it out.

2. Why do blondes take “the pill”?
So they’ll know what day of the week it is.

1. Why do blondes have orgasms?
So they’know when to stop having sex!
 

A blonde goes into the small-town hardware store and tells the owner she needs a drawer pull handle to replace a broken one.

He finds one that matches her description and asks her, "You wanna screw for that?"

She thinks a minute, glances around, and replies: "No, but I'll blow ya for that toaster over there."

 

A blonde walks into the human resources department of a large company and hands the executive her application.

The executive begins to scan the sheet, and notices that the applicant has been fired from every job she has ever held.
"I must say," says the executive, "your work history is terrible. You've been fired from every job."

"Yes," says the blonde.

"Well," continues the executive, "there's nothing good in that."

"Hey!" says the blonde as she pokes the application. "At least I'm not a quitter."
 

A Blonde Excuse

"How come you're late?" asks the bartender as the blonde waitress walks in the door.

"It was awful," she explains. "I was walking down Elm street and there was this terrible accident.

A man was lying in the middle of the street; he was thrown from his car. His leg was broken, his skull was fractured, and there was blood everywhere.

Thank God I took that first-aid course; all my training came back to me in a minute."
"What did you do?" asks the bartender.

"I sat down and put my head between my knees to keep from fainting!" Rated G

A Blonde Excuse

"How come you're late?" asks the bartender as the blonde waitress walks in the door.

"It was awful," she explains. "I was walking down Elm street and there was this terrible accident.

A man was lying in the middle of the street; he was thrown from his car. His leg was broken, his skull was fractured, and there was blood everywhere.

Thank God I took that first-aid course; all my training came back to me in a minute."
"What did you do?" asks the bartender.

"I sat down and put my head between my knees to keep from fainting!"

10. What does a blonde use for birth control?
Brown hair-dye .

9. Do you know what the hardest thing about playing golf with a blonde is?
Having to say, "Great shot, Honey!" 142 times.

8. Why don't blonds go over 68?
Because at 69 they blow a rod.

7. Why are blondes thankful that sperm are shaped like a tadpoles?
Because a frog would be harder to swallow.

6. Example of a blonde advertisers work:
“Illiterate? Write today for free help”.

5. Why did the blonde pee inside the cafeteria?
She saw a sign that read "Wet Floor.

4. A blonde who shot an arrow in the air...
She missed.

3. Why did the blonde plant cherrios in her garden?
She thought they were donut seeds.

2. What's one advantage to being married to a blonde?
You can park in the handicapped zone.

1. This guy in a bar keeps eying the two good-looking blondes in the corner, keeps saluting them with his glass, keeps sending over drinks, etc.
After a while, one comes over to him and asks, "Would you like to smell my friend's muff?"
"Wow! I sure would," he answers.
"OK. Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!" she breathes into his face!
 

Several years ago we had a blonde intern who was none too swift.

One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, “I’m almost out of typing paper. What do I do?”

“Just use copier machine paper,” he told her.

With that, the blonde intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five blank copies.
 

10. What did the blonde do when she heard someone say: “It’s chilly outside”
She wen’t and got a bowl

9. . One blonde was stupid that under "Education" on her job application, she put "Hooked on Phonics."

8. What is a blonde doing when she's hanging her head out the window with her mouth open while driving?
Refueling

7. . What do blondes and beer bottles have in common?
Both are empty from the neck up.

6. Do you know what the difference between a mosquito and a blonde is?
When you slap a mosquito, it will stop sucking..

5. What's the difference between a blonde and the Atlantic Coast?
The Atlantic Coast doesn’t have that many crabs.

4. How’d the blonde get lip stick on her steering wheel?
She was trying to blow the horn.

3. How do you tell if a blonde did your landscaping?
The bushes are darker than the rest of the yard.

2. What did the blonde do when her doctor told her she had sugar in her urine?
She peed on her corn flakes.

1. How do you tell when a blonde reaches orgasm?
She drops her nail-file!
 

This executive was interviewing a nervous young blonde for a position in his company.

He wanted to find out something about her personality so he asked, "If you could have a conversation with someone, living or dead, who would it be?"

The blonde quickly responded, "The living
 

Top Ten Blonde Inventions

1) The water-proof towel

2) Solar powered flashlight

3) Submarine screen door

4) A book on how to read

5) Inflatable dart board

6) A dictionary index

7) Ejector seat in a helicopter

8) Powdered water

9) Pedal-powered wheel chair

10) Water-proof tea bag
 

Q: Why did the blonde fail her drivers licence ?
A: She wasn't used to the front seat!

(Visual Joke)
Q: What did the blonde say when she tried driving stick for the first time?
A: "How do you shift this thing?" (make jacking off motions)

Q: What does a blonde do if she is not in bed by 10?
A: She picks up her purse and goes home.

Q: Where do blondes go to meet their relatives?
A: The vegetable garden.
 

A blonde was driving down the center of the road at 100 mph.

A police officer pulled her over to the side of the road.

When she had stopped, the officer asked, "License and Registration please"

"It's okay, Officer, I have a special license that allows me to do this," she said smiling.

"That's impossible!" The officer replied, "I've never heard of such a license."

To which the driver reached into her purse and handed him her license.

Astonished, the Officer said, "Just as I suspected. This is an ordinary license, I see nothing here that would allow you special consideration."

She pointed to the bottom of the license, "See? it says so right here: 'Tear Along The Dotted Line'."
 

Two blondes are waiting at a bus stop, when a bus pulls up and opens the door.

One of the blondes leans inside and asks the driver, "Will this bus take me to 5th Avenue?"

The bus driver shakes his head and says, "No, I'm Sorry."

At this the other blonde leans inside, smiles and twitters, "Will it take ME?"
 

A young blonde girl, about 14-15 is sitting in school one afternoon.

She puts her hand up to get the teachers attention.

Finally the teacher asks her what her problem is.

She tells the teacher she has to go to the bathroom. 

The teacher tells the young girl that this is a very important lesson, and that she will have to wait until break to go. 

After a few minutes, the young girl raises her hand again, this time, acting much more urgent about the situation.

Again, the teacher puts her off... 

About three minutes later, the young girl stand up in the middle of the lesson, and walks towards the door.

The teacher stops in the middle of a sentence, and asks the girl what she thought she was doing. 

The girl said "You don't understand, I HAVE to go NUMBER THREE!". 

The teacher... quite confused, asks the girl, just what number three was. 

The girl looks at the teacher and says "Duh....... miscarriage!" 
 

10. Why did the blonde have lip stick on her steering  wheel? 
She was trying to blow the horn. 

9. What do you call a blonde holding a balloon 
Siamese twins 

8. The difference between a mosquito and a blonde?
When you slap a mosquito, it will stop sucking. 

7. What happened to the blonde tap dancer? 
She slipped off and fell down the drain.

6. How do you confuse a blonde? 
Set her down at a Macintosh computer, and tell her  to right click on something.

5. Why wouldn’t the blonde eat sausage?
Are you kidding? A blonde will eat anything.

4. Why did the blonde put lipstick on her forehead? 
She was trying to make up her mind! 

3. How do you know that a fax came from a blonde?? 
There is a stamp on it. 

2. How is a blonde like a a bottle?
They're both empty from neck up 

1. The Social Studies teacher asked a blonde to name  all the capitals in the United States Of America. 
The blonde said easy - U.S.A. 
 

A blonde was standing outside a fast food store, eating a burger, with her panties around her ankles.

A chap walks up and asks, ''Excuse me, but can I ask why your panties are around your ankles?''

''Oh really,'' she says, ''Has he gone now?''

Q: What do you call a blonde doing a handstand?

A: A brunette with bad breath.

Q. How can you tell when a blonde has been using your computer to play video games?

A.The joystick is all wet.

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and an ironing board?

A: Sometimes the legs on the ironing board are hard to open!

Q: How do you teach a blonde math?

A: Subtract her clothes, divide her legs, and add one dick.
 

A guy took a blonde girl out on her first date.

When they pulled off into a secluded area around midnight, the girl said, "My mother told me to say no to everything." 

"Well," he said, "do you mind if I put my arm around you?"

"No," the girl replied. 

"Do you mind if I put my other hand on your leg?"

"N-n-no," the girl stammered. 

"You know," Barry said, "We're going to have a lot of fun if you're on the level about this."
 

10. Why don't blondes make good farmers?
They can't keep their calves together

9. What did the blond say when she woke up in
a pasture under a cow?
What are you guys still doing here?

8 . Blondes are like.....Lava lamps
Fun to look at, but not all that bright.

7. Did you hear about the new "Blonde" paint?
It's not very expensive, and it spreads easy!

6. What do you call three blondes in a swimming pool?
Air Bubbles.

5. Hear about the blonde who bought snow tires?
She stored them in the freezer.

4. Why are there not many blonde bisexuals?
Twice a year isn’t enough

3. How does a blonde get rid of unwanted pubic hair?
Just spits it out.

2. Why do blondes take “the pill”?
So they’ll know what day of the week it is.

1. Why do blondes have orgasms?
So they’know when to stop having sex!
 

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a shower?
A: You don't have to turn a blonde on to get her wet.
   
   
There are two blondes playing golf.

One is teeing off and hits a man walking to the next hole.

He immediately clasps his hands over his crotch and falls to his knees in pain.

The two blondes run over and ask him if he is all right.

He says that he is fine, but the blondes insist on helping him.

They unzip his pants and begin to massage his crotch.

After a while one blonde asks if it feels better and he says, ''That felt good, but my hand still hurts like crazy!''

 

Judi decides to do something wild she hasn't done before, so she sets out to rent her first X-rated adult video.

She goes to the video store and, after looking around for a while, selects a title that sounds very stimulating.

She drives home, lights some candles, slips into something comfortable, and puts the tape in the VCR. 

To her disappointment, there's nothing but static on the screen, so she calls the video store to complain. 

Judi: "I just rented an adult movie from you and there's nothing on the tape, but static." 

Store Clerk: "Sorry about that. We've had problems with some of those tapes. Which title did you rent?" 

Judi: "It's called 'Head Cleaner'." Yes Judi is Blond.
 

A blonde at a party, was telling her friend that she'd sworn off men for life.

"They lie, they cheat, and they're just no damn good," she moaned.

"From now on, when I want sex, I'm going to use my tried and tested plastic companion," she said.

"What happens when the batteries run out?" asked her friend.

"That's simple," said the blonde. "I'll fake an orgasm as usual."
 

A blonde left her car out in a hail storm.

When the storm was over she checked the car and found out it was covered with small dents.

She went to the local garage and inquired how to fix the problem.

The mechanic told her to blow on the tailpipe and the dents would be removed.

She took the car home parked it and proceeded to blow on the pipe.

Another blonde came by and inquired what she was doing, she told her she was blowing on the tailpipe to remove the dents.

The other blonde responded, "that's not going to work unless you roll up the windows."
 

A blonde studying to be a counselor always went into her counseling sessions with an ear muff over one ear.

After a while the supervisor became very curious and asked her about it. She replied, "It's for confidentiality." 

"Confidentiality?" asked the bewildered supervisor. 

"Yes, confidentiality," the blonde explained, "I've been told what goes in one ear comes out the other and I don't want anyone else knowing what my client says."
 

Why do blondes have TGIF written on their shirt?
It stands for, "Tits Go In Front."

What do you call a blonde with half a brain? Gifted!

10 Blonde Science Fair Projects:

10) Are poisonous snakes really venomous?

9) Is lighter fluid flammable?

8) What hurts more: falling off a building, or a cliff?

7) Are knives sharp?

6) Can sharks hurt a human?

5) What happens if I stick my hand in a piranha aquarium?

4) Can I break my arm hitting it against a wall?

3) Can I eat broken glass and live?

2) Can dogs talk?

1) Are blondes really dumb?
 

What's the difference between a blonde and a 747?
Not everyone's been in a 747!

Why can't a blonde dial 911?
She can't find the eleven.


A blonde and a brunette are walking down the street when the brunette says, “Look, a dead bird!”
So the blonde looks up!


Why do blondes wear big hoop earrings when they go on a date?
So they have some place to put their feet.

A blonde walks into a restaurant to get some lunch, and while she's deciding on what she wants a waitress comes up. The blonde looks up and notices the waitress's name tag on her shirt.

''Gee, that's nice. What did you name the other one?''

What kinds of people don't get invited to blonde parties? Women!
 

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"

The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!" Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.

Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home, when he spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he saw a huge 9-foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She took aim, killed the creature, and with a great deal of effort hauled it on to the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watched in amazement. Just then the blonde flipped the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"
 

Why is a blondes coffin "y" shaped?
Because as soon as they hit their back-their legs open.

Hear about the blonde explorer?
He bought a piece of sandpaper thinking it was a map of the Sahara Desert.

How did the blonde moonwalk?
She got naked from the waist down and slid her butt along the floor.

What do you call blonde twins doing bubble gum commercials?
Double-dumb.

What's the difference between a blonde and a tree?
The tree knows when it's being cut down.

What does a postcard from a blonde's vacation say?
Having a wonderful time. Where am I?

Why is the blonde's brain the size of a pea in the morning?
It swells at night.

Why is it okay for blondes to catch a cold?
They don't have to worry about blowing their brains out.

Why did the blonde tattoo her zip code on her stomach?
So her male would get delivered to the right box.

Why is a blonde like railroad tracks?
Because she's been laid all over the country.
 

An exhausted looking blond dragged herself in to the doctor's office. "Doctor, there are dogs all over my neighborhood. They bark all day and all night, and I can't get a wink of sleep."

"I have good news for you," the doctor answered, rummaging through a drawer full of sample medications. "Here are some new sleeping pills that work like a dream. A few of these and your trouble will be over."

"Great," the blond answered, "I'll try anything. Let's give it a shot."

A few weeks later the blond returned, looking worse than ever. "Doc, your plan is no good. I'm more tired than before!"

"I don't understand how that could be", said the doctor, shaking his head. "Those are the strongest pills on the market!"

"That may be true," answered the blond wearily, "but I'm still up all night chasing those dogs and when I finally catch one it's hard getting him to swallow the pill!"
 

A blonde was recently asked how many blondes it takes to screw in a light bulb. Her response "Ya, like I can 'screw' in a light bulb!"
 

Why did the blonde snort NutraSweet?
She though it was Diet Coke.

Why is a blonde like McDonald's?
They can both use the slogan, "Billions Served."

What's the difference between Indiana and a blonde?
A blonde has larger hills and deeper valleys.

What's the difference between a blonde and a guy?
The blonde has the higher sperm count.

How is a blonde like peanut-butter?
They spread for the bread.

What nickname is most used by blondes in order to boost their popularity?
B.J.

Why do blondes get confused in the ladies room?
They have to pull their own pants down.

What is the difference between blondes and traffic signs?
Some traffic signs say stop.

What is the difference between a blonde and a lightbulb?
The lightbulb is smarter, but the blonde is easier to turn on.

What is the difference between a blonde and a bitch?
A blonde will have sex with anyone, a bitch will have sex with anyone but you.
 

A farmer is giving his blonde wife last-minute instructions before heading to town to do chores.

"That fellow from the University will be along this afternoon to inseminate one of the cows. I've hung a nail by the right stall so you'll know which one I want him to impregnate."

Satisfied that his blonde wife understood the instructions, the farmer left for town.That afternoon, the 'Inseminator' arrives, and the wife dutifully takes him out to the barn and directly to the stall with the nail.

"This is the cow right here," she tells him."What's the nail for?" the guy asks.Replies the wife, "I guess its to hang up your pants."
 

She was preparing for a month-long trip to London. She applied for a lone of $5,000, with an interest of $2.17 for the month.

The bank teller informed her that he could not give her a loan without some kind of collateral.

She said, "Oh! That's fine, Ican put up my car for that". The bank teller, not quite sure,looks out the bank doors at her car.....IT WAS A GOLD LEXUS!

The bank teller chuckles to himself that she would be so dumb!"

Typical dumb blonde"Despite his laughter, he ok's the loan and puts her car in the bank's safe down below the building.

So the blonde leaves for her trip. Still dumbfounded as to why a beautiful girl with a $100,000 car would need a $5,000 loan, checks the blonde's record's. He finds that the woman is a MULTI_Millionaire!

What he can't figure out is why a woman with all that money would need a$5,000 loan.

So, a month later, the blonde returns to the bank with$5,002.17 and gives it to the same bank teller.

He hesitantly explains to her that she intrigued him so much that he looked at her record and that he knew that she was a multi-millionaire.He then asked her why she needed that $5,000 loan.

She calmly replied, "Well, where else could I have my car stored in a protected area for a measly $2.17?"
 

The blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some bottom deodorant.

The pharmacist, a little bemused,explains to the woman that they don't sell bottom deodorant,and never have.

Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis, and would like some more.

"I'm sorry," says the pharmacist, "we don't have any.""But I always get it here," says the blonde."

Do you have the container it comes in?"

"Yes!" said the blonde, "I will go and get it."She returns with the container and hands it to the chemist who looks at it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant."

The annoyed blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container, "To apply, push up bottom."
 

Three women, a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead, die and are at the Pearly Gates. St. Peters tells them that if they want to enter Heaven, they need to walk up stairs that have one hundred steps and that on each step, they'll be told a joke. If they
laugh, they're immediately sent to Hell.

So the brunette goes and on the third step, she cracks up because of the joke.She is immediately sent to hell.

Then the redhead goes and is able to control herself until the thirteenth step, but then cracks up too. Off to hell she goes.

It is the blonde's turn. She goes up every step and listens to the jokes without laughing. St. Peters is amazed and decides to give her a boring joke for the last step to see what will happen. So she hears the joke and cracks up.

Before sending her to Hell, St. Peters asks her why she laughed at the very last step with a joke so boring and she simply answers, "Well, I just understood the joke from the first step!!!"
 

Judy (a blonde) goes into work one morning crying her eyes out.Her boss concerned about all his employees well being asked sympathetically, "What's the matter?" The blonde replies, "Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away."

The boss, feeling very sorry at this point explains to the young girl, "Why don't you go home for the day? We aren't terribly busy. You should just take the day off to relax and rest." Judy very calmly states, "No. I'd be better off here. I need to keep
my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here."

The boss agrees and allows her to work as usual. "If you need anything, just let me know." A few hours pass and the boss decides to check on Judy. He looks out his office and sees her crying hysterically.

He rushes out to her asking, "What's so bad now? Are you going to be okay? What's wrong?"

Judy breaks down in tears, "I just received a horrible call from my sister. She said that her mom died too!"
 

There were three witches who couldn't get across a river.

The only spell they had was to turn men into a canoe. So they get three guys--a brunet, a red head, and a blond guy. They took them to the river and were about to turn them into canoes, when brunet says, "Hey wait a second, don't we get a last request."

The witches saw no harm in this and gave them the go ahead.

So the brunet requested a gun. He told them not to move or he'll shoot so he goes free.

The red head asked for a knife and said he'd stab them if they moved, so he goes free.

The blond asks for and ice pick.

The witches cringe back expecting him to attack, when he starts stabbing
himself repeaditly chanting, "Canoe's gonna leak, canoe's gonna leak."
 

One day a blonde woman was so fed up with all of the dumb blonde jokes that she decided to kill herself. She took a rope outside and found a suitable tree. She threw the rope over a branch and proceeded to hang herself.

Soon two men came along and asked, "what are you doing?". She replied, "I'm hanging myself." The two men looked at her and said, "well usually if your trying to kill yourself you put the rope around your neck." Then the Blonde said, "Duh, I tried that but I couldn't breathe."
 

I knew a blonde that was stupid, that...........

-she called me to get my phone number.

-she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said "concentrate."

-she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.

-she got stabbed in a shoot-out.

-she told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK."

-she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.

-she sat on the TV and watched the couch.

-she sent me a fax with a stamp on it.

-she tried to drown a fish.

-she thought a quarterback was a refund.

-she got locked in a grocery store and starved to death.

-if you gave her a penny for her thoughts, you'd get change back.

-they had to burn the school down to get her out of third grade.

-under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked,On Phonics."

- she tripped over a cordless phone.

-she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.

-at the bottom of the application where it says "sign here"...she put Sagittarius."

-she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.

-it takes her two hours to watch 60 Minutes.

-if she spoke her mind, she'd probably be speechless.

-she studied for a blood test.

-she thought Boyz II Men was a daycare center.

-she thought Meow Mix was a record for cats.

-she thought she needed a token to get on Soul Train.

-she sold the car for gas money.

-when she saw the "NC-17" (under 17 not admitted), she went home and got 16 friends.

-when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.

-she thinks Taco Bell is where you pay your phone bill.

-when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.
 

There once was a blond who was very tired of being the topic of jokes that she decided to dye her hair brown. She then proceeded to take a drive in the country when she had to stop for a herd of sheep crossing the road. While she was waiting she got out of her car and approached the shepherd and said, "Mister, if I can tell you how many sheep you have, can I keep one?"

The shepherd agrees and she guesses 352. "Wow, that is amazing. Well, I guess I have to keep my end of the deal. Go ahead choose which sheep you would like to keep." She looks around and finally picked one out of the herd because it was very cute and more playful than all the rest.

"Now that you have chosen," said the shepherd,"I would like to make a deal with YOU. If you let me guess your original hair color, can I get my dog back?"

A blonde went to a flight school, insisting she wanted to learn to fly that day. As all the planes were currently in use, the owner agreed to instruct her on how to pilot the helicopter solo by radio.

He took her out, showed her how to start it, gave her the basics and sent her on her way.

After she climbed 1000 ft., she radioed in. "I'm doing great! I love it! The view is so beautiful, and I'm starting to get the hang of this."

After 2000 ft., she radioed again, saying how easy it was learning to fly. The instructor watched her climb over 3000 ft., and was beginning to worry that she hadn't radioed in.

A few minutes later, he watched in horror as she crashed about half a mile away. He ran over and pulled her from the wreckage.

When he asked what happened she said, "I don't know! Everything was going fine, but as I got higher, I was starting to get cold. I can't remember anyting after I turned off the big fan."
 

An overweight blonde went to see her doctor for some advice.

The doctor advised that she run ten miles a day for thirty days. This, he promised, would help her lose as many as twenty pounds.

The blonde followed the doctor's advice, and, after thirty days, she was pleased to find that she had indeed lost the whole twenty pounds. She phoned the doctor and thanked him for the wonderful advice which produced such effective results. At the end of the conversation, however, she asked one last question:

"How do I get home, since I am now 300 miles away?"
 

Two blondes were walking home one day, and suddenly it began to rain.

Luckily, a man driving a pickup truck stopped and offered them a ride. He told them that there wasn't room in the cab, because he had two of his friends with him, but that they could sit in the back with his dog and, although they would still get wet, they would get home a lot quicker.

The blondes agreed and climbed in.

The man started driving, but suddenly a little kid ran in front of the truck, and the driver swerved, and the truck plunged into a lake.

The driver and his two friends struggled to open the doors of the truck to get out before they drowned, and when they reached the lake shore, they looked around for the two blondes, but they were nowhere to be found.

The driver saw his dog had gotten out just fine, and wondered if the blondes had gotten stuck under the water.

Just as the man was about to jumpin the water to rescue them, the blondes both surfaced and swam to the shore.

Looking confused, the driver asked them what had taken them so long.

The blondes answered: "Well duh! We couldn't get out--the tailgate was stuck!!
 

A blonde goes into a library and says, "Hello. I'm here to see the doctor."

The librarian replies, "This is a library."

So the blonde whispers, "Sorry. I'm here to see the doctor."
 

A guy took a blonde girl out on her first date.

When they pulled off into a secluded area around midnight, the girl said, "My mother told me to say no to everything."

"Well," he said, "do you mind if I put my arm around you?"

"No," the girl replied.

"Do you mind if I put my other hand on your leg?"

"N-n-no," the girl stammered.

"You know," Barry said, "We're going to have a lot of fun if you're on the level about this."
 

A blonde left her car out in a hail storm.

When the storm was over she checked the car and found out it was covered with small dents.

She went to the local garage and inquired how to fix the problem.

The mechanic told her to blow on the tailpipe and the dents would be removed.

She took the car home parked it and proceeded to blow on the pipe.

Another blonde came by and inquired what she was doing, she told her she was blowing on the tailpipe to remove the dents.

The other blonde responded, "that's not going to work unless you roll up the windows."
 

10. Why are the Japanese so smart?
No blondes.

9. Why does it take longer to build a Blonde snowman as opposed to a regular one?
You have to hollow out the head.

8. Did you hear about the blonde who thought a sanitary belt was a drink from a clean shot glass?

7. Why won't they hire Blondes as pharmacists?
They keep breaking the prescription bottles in the typewriter.

6. Why did the dumb blonde take a pee in the middle of the cafeteria?
She saw a sign that read "Wet Floor."

5. What's the advantage to being married to a blonde...
You can park in the handicapped zone.

4. What do you call 25 blondes on top of each other?
An air mattress

3. How can you tell if a blonde has been in the fourth grade too long?
- All the other kids start bringing her apples cause they think she’s the teacher.

2. What do you call it when Susanne Sommers tries to teach Madonna how to cook
The blonde leading the blonde.

1. Why are blonde jokes so short
So men can tell them.
 

John gets a call from his blonde girlfriend, Buffy.

“I’ve got a problem,” says Buffy.

“What’s the matter?” asks John.

“Well, I’ve bought this jigsaw puzzle, but it’s too hard. None of the pieces fit together and I can’t find any edges.”

“What’s the picture of?” asks John.

"A big rooster" says, Buffy.

“All right,” says John, “I’ll come over and have a look.” So he goes over to Buffy’s house.

Buffy leads John into her kitchen and shows him the jigsaw on the kitchen table
.
John looks at the jigsaw and then turns to Buffy and says, “For Pete’s sake - put the cornflakes back in the box.”
 

Q: Why did the blonde tattoo her zip code on her stomach?

A: So her male would get delivered to the right box.
 

A blonde was taking the tour of a national park not long ago.

The ranger mentioned to the tour group that dinosaur fossils had been found in the area.

The blonde exclaimed, "Wow -- I can't believe the dinosaurs would come this close to the highway!"
 

A police officer pulls a blonde over for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.

The blonde is absolutely outraged... "I wish you guys could get your act together.” said the blonde in a huff, “

Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"
 

What did the father say to his dumb blonde daughter?
"Hard to believe you outswan all those other sperm".

What's a dumb blonde's idea of romance?
A lift home afterwards.

Why do dumb blondes go out in pair?
So they have someone to keep score.

What do you give a dumb blonde before you start going out with her?
A complete medical.

Did you hear about the dumb blonde who was a lousy cook?
She used her smoke alarm for a timer.

Why did the dumb blonde musician have bruises on the side of her head?
She was trying to play piano by ear.

Did you hear about the blonde that wanted personalized plates?
She changed her name to GZR 728.

If a dumb blonde got a penny for her every thought, she'd be broke.
 

A man went into a jeweller's shop and flopped his dick onto the counter.

Unperturbed the blonde saleswoman looked at him straight in the eye and said

"This is a clock shop, not a cock shop."

The man calmly replied, "Well put two hands on this then!"
 

Q. Why can't a blonde eat pickles?
A. She can't get her face in the jar.

Q. What do a blonde and a turtle have in common?
A. Once they're on their back they are screwed.

Q. What is a blonde's mating call?
A. I think I'm drunk

Q. What's a brunette's mating call?
A. Is the blonde gone yet?

Q. Why don't blondes like vibrators?
A. They chip their teeth.

Q. Why did God give blonde's one more brain cell than a cow?
A. So when you pull her tits she doesn't shit on the floor.

Q. What did the blonde do at the M&M factory?
A. Proof reader.

Q. How does a blonde spell "blonde"?
A. B-l oh, it doesn't matter anyway.

Q. Why do blonde's drive BMW's instead of Porsche's?
A. They can't spell Porsche.

Q. Why do blondes like tilt-steering?
A. More headroom.

Q. Why did God invent orgasms?
A. So blondes know when to stop screwing.

Q. How many blonde's does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Three. One to find he bulb, one to find the ladder and one to find a man.

Q. How many blondes does it take to make chocolate chip cookies?
A. Ten. One to mix the dough and nine to peel the Smarties.

Q. How do blondes brain cells die?
A. Alone.

Q. What's the similarity between blondes and cow pats?
A. The older they are the easier they are to pick up.

Q. Why don't blondes like to breast feed?
A. It hurts to boil the nipple.
 

A blonde is walking down the street with her blouse open and her right breast hanging out.

A policeman approaches her and says, "Ma'am, are you aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?"

She says, "Why, officer?"

"Because your breast is hanging out."

She looks down and says, "OH MY GOD, I left the baby on the bus again!"
 

10 Blonde Science Fair Projects:

10) Are poisonous snakes really venomous?

9) Is lighter fluid flammable?

8) What hurts more: falling off a building, or a cliff?

7) Are knives sharp?

6) Can sharks hurt a human?

5) What happens if I stick my hand in a piranha aquarium?

4) Can I break my arm hitting it against a wall?

3) Can I eat broken glass and live?

2) Can dogs talk?

1) Are blondes really dumb?
 

A blonde walks into a bar and has a few drinks.

Right before she goes into the bathroom she puts a cigarette behind her right ear.

Five minutes later she goes back to her seat at the bar and the bartender asks, "Why do you have a tampon behind your right ear?"

The blonde exclaims, "TAMPON?!?!?! then where did my cigarette go?"
 

Jill, a blonde, was standing in front of a soda machine saying, "You are a dumb looking button. You don't have much of a future, either.

People are going to be punching you all your life. Then you are going to be replaced by a much better looking button."

I foolishly asked what she was doing. 

Jill pointed to the notice on the front of the machine, which said, "Depress button for ice."
 

A blonde woman strode angrily into the large store and slapped a package on the counter, and loudly expressed her dissatisfaction.

The clerk asked, "What's the problem? Wouldn't your cat eat them?"

The woman's eyes got very large, and she whispered, "Do you mean to tell me that 'Pussy Treats' are meant for cats?"
 

A guy was running for an elevator and he stuck his hand in tostop the doors, and the doors opened. Inside stood a blonde. Hesaid, "Good morning, which floor are you going to?" Sheresponded, "3rd floor." He pushed the 3rd floor button, plus the 5th floor for himself.

As the elevator started moving the gentleman struck up a conversation and asked the blonde where she was going. She said, "I'm going to the blood bank on the 3rd floor; I donate blood once a week for $10 to supplement my income." Then she asked the gentleman where he was going. He responded, "I'm going to the sperm bank on the 5th floor; I donate sperm there once a week for $50 to supplement my income".

The next week the same scenario happens. He stopped the elevator doors with his hand, the doors opened and the blonde was standing inside. He smiled and greeted her and asked if she was going to the 3rd floor? The lady responded in a garbled tone (as if she had something in her mouth), "No 5th floor first."

A blonde went to the dentist one day to have a tooth pulled and she was very nervous about it. The dentist noticed this and while he was putting his gloves on, he started to talk to the woman so she wouldn't feel so nervous.

He asked, "Do you know how they make these gloves?" The woman shook her head. The doctor explained, "In a big rubber factory they have a whole lot of men and women with different hand sizes and they have to put their hands into a big huge tank of melted rubber and wait until it dries and then take it off and do it again." The woman didn't even blink she seemed to be too busy trying not the panic.

So he tried telling her a joke or two but once again she didn't even smirk. So he gave up about five to ten minute later.

In the middle of getting the tooth removed she burst out laughing and he had to stop in case she'd choke. He asked, "What's wrong?" She just laughed and said, "If that's how they make gloves I wonder how they make condoms."
 

At a pharmacy, a blonde asked to use the infant scale to weigh the baby she held in her arms.

The clerk explained that the device was out for repairs, but said that she would figure the infant's weight by weighing the woman and baby together on the adult scale, then weighing the mother alone and subtracting the second amount from the first.

"That won't work," countered the woman. "I'm not the mother, I'm the aunt."
 

A blonde is speaking to her psychiatrist. "I'm on the road a lot, and my clients are complaining that they can never reach me."

Psychiatrist: "Don't you have a phone in your car?"

Blonde: "That was a little too expensive, so I did the next best thing. I put a mailbox in my car."

Psychiatrist: "Uh ... How's that working?"

Blonde: "Actually, I haven't gotten any letters yet."

Psychiatrist: "And why do you think that is?"

Blonde: "I figure it's because when I'm driving around, my zip code keeps changing."
 

One day while jogging, a middle-aged man noticed a tennis ball lying by the side of the walk.

Being fairly new and in good condition, he picked the ball up, put it in his pocket and proceeded on his way.

Waiting at the cross street for the light to change, he noticed a beautiful blond standing next to him smiling.

"What do you have in your pocket?", she asked.

"Tennis ball,” the man said smiling back.

"Wow," said the blond looking upset. "That must hurt. I once had tennis elbow and the pain was unbearable!"
 

A blonde just got a job as an assistant secretary at a major law firm. She was to stay by the secretary and learn all she needed to know. The one problem was that this blonde constantly sucked her thumb.

After a few days the boss decides to give the blonde a ten dollar raise. The lawyer than proceeds to ask the secretary how the blonde is doing. The secretary said to her boss, "She's doing terrible! She's the stupidest thing I've ever seen. And she's always sucking her thumb! It pisses me off!" The lawyer smiles and disregards the message and tells her to give it another try.

After a few more days the blonde does even worse than before;she's destroyed half of the law firms cases and broke down three computers. The secretary gets fed up and looks at the blonde(who's still sucking her thumb) and says, "WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU SO STUPID!?" "I dunno." muffles the blonde. "AND WHY DO YOU KEEP SUCKING YOUR THUMB!?"

"Boss told me to."

"WHY!?"

The blonde looks at the secretary and replies, "Practice Makes Perfect!"   
 

A young blonde girl, about 15 is sitting in school one afternoon. She puts her hand up to get the teachers attention.

Finally the teacher asks her what her problem is.

She tells the teacher she has to go to the bathroom.
 
The teacher tells the young girl that this is a very important lesson, and that she will have to wait until break to go. 

After a few minutes, the young girl raises her hand again, this time, acting much more urgent about the situation.

Again, the teacher puts her off... 

About three minutes later, the young girl stand up in the middle of the lesson, and walks towards the door.

The teacher stops in the middle of a sentence, and asks the girl what she thought she was doing. 

The girl said "You don't understand, I HAVE to go NUMBER THREE!". 

The teacher... quite confused, asks the girl, just what number three was. 

The girl looks at the teacher and says "Duh....... miscarriage!
 

"How come you're late?" asks the bartender as the blonde waitress walks in the door.

"It was awful," she explains. "I was walking down Elm street and there was this terrible accident. A man was lying in the middle of the street; he was thrown from his car. His leg was broken, his skull was fractured, and there was blood everywhere.

Thank God I took that first-aid course; all my training came back to me in a minute."

"What did you do?" asks the bartender.

"I sat down and put my head between my knees to keep from fainting!"
 

A blonde girl comes home from school and says, "Ma, is it true
that babies come out of where boys put their wieners?"

Her mother says, "Yep."

The girl says, "Won't that knock my teeth out?"
 

There were 2 friends, a blonde and a redhead.

After shopping the redhead left the keys in the ignition because she was carrying lots of things and didn't think anybody would steal it.

She hears a car going and runs out to see that her car is gone. Her blonde friend was there when it happened. The redhead asks if the blonde got their description and the blonde said she got something better.

The redhead asked, "What?"

The blonde said, "I got their license plate number!"
 

10. Why are the Japanese so smart?
No blondes.

9. Why does it take longer to build a Blonde snowman as opposed to a regular one?
You have to hollow out the head.

8. Did you hear about the blonde who thought a sanitary belt was a drink from a clean shot glass?

7. Why won't they hire Blondes as pharmacists?
They keep breaking the prescription bottles in the typewriter.

6. Why did the dumb blonde take a pee in the middle of the cafeteria?
She saw a sign that read "Wet Floor."

5. What's the advantage to being married to a blonde...
You can park in the handicapped zone.

4. What do you call 25 blondes on top of each other?
An air mattress

3. How can you tell if a blonde has been in the fourth grade too long?
- All the other kids start bringing her apples cause they think she’s the teacher.

2. What do you call it when Susanne Sommers tries to teach Madonna how to cook....

The blonde leading the blonde.

1. Why are blonde jokes so short
So men can tell them.
 

An airline captain was breaking in a very pretty new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a stay-over in another city. So upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.

The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened to her.

She answered the phone, sobbing, and said she couldn't get out of her room.

"You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"

The stewardess replied, "There are only three doors in here," she cried, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'"!!!
 

Why is a blondes coffin "y" shaped?
Because as soon as they hit their back-their legs open.

Hear about the blonde explorer?
He bought a piece of sandpaper thinking it was a map of the Sahara Desert.

How did the blonde moonwalk?
She got naked from the waist down and slid her butt along the floor.

What do you call blonde twins doing bubble gum commercials?
Double-dumb.

What's the difference between a blonde and a tree?
The tree knows when it's being cut down.

What does a postcard from a blonde's vacation say?
Having a wonderful time. Where am I?

Why is the blonde's brain the size of a pea in the morning?
It swells at night.

Why is it okay for blondes to catch a cold?
They don't have to worry about blowing their brains out.

Why did the blonde tattoo her zip code on her stomach?
So her male would get delivered to the right box.

Why is a blonde like railroad tracks?
Because she's been laid all over the country.

A blind guy walks into a bar. He orders up a drink, and says, "Hey, anybody want to hear a blonde joke?"

The lady next to him says in a gruff voice, "Just for your information, I'm a blonde kick-boxer, the lady next to me is a blonde champion knife-thrower, the next blonde lady is a black belt in tai-kwon-do, the next blonde lady has two handguns, and the bartender is a blonde too!!

Do you still want to tell that joke??"

The blind guy sighs and says," I guess not... I have to leave in a min., and I don't have enough time to repeat the joke 5 times."
 

Two blondes decide to go duck hunting.

Neither one of them has ever been duck hunting before and after several hours they still haven't bagged any.

One hunter looks at the other and says "I just don't understand it. Why aren't we getting any ducks?"

Her friend says "I keep telling you, I just don't think we're throwing the dog high enough."
 

A blond guy and a brunette girl were happily married and about to have a baby.

One day, the wife started having contractions, so the husband rushed her to the hospital.

He held her hand as she went through a trying birth. In the end, there were two little baby boys.

The blond guy turned to his wife and angrily said, "All right, who's the other father!?!"

 

10. What does a blonde use for birth control?
Brown hair-dye .

9. Do you know what the hardest thing about playing golf with a blonde is?
Having to say, "Great shot, Honey!" 142 times.

8. Why don't blonds go over 68?
Because at 69 they blow a rod.

7. Why are blondes thankful that sperm are shaped like a tadpoles?
Because a frog would be harder to swallow.6.

Example of a blonde advertisers work:“Illiterate?
Write today for free help”.

5. Why did the blonde pee inside the cafeteria?
She saw a sign that read "Wet Floor.

4. A blonde who shot an arrow in the air...She missed.

3. Why did the blonde plant cherrios in her garden?She thought they were donut seeds.

2. What's one advantage to being married to a blonde?
You can park in the handicapped zone.

1. This guy in a bar keeps eying the two good-looking blondes in the corner, keeps saluting them with his glass, keeps sending over drinks, etc.After a while, one comes over to him and asks, "Would you like to smell my friend's muff?"

"Wow! I sure would," he answers.

"OK. Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!" she breathes into his face!
 

How did the blonde die raking leaves?

She fell out of the tree!
 

10. Why were shopping carts invented?
To teach blondes to walk on their hind legs.

9. What's the difference between a blonde and the Panama Canal?
The Panama Canal is a busy ditch....

8. Why do blondes get confused in the bathroom?
They have to pull their own pants down.

7. Why did it take the blonde so long to make chocolate chip cookies?
She had to shell all the M&Ms.

6. What's the similarity between a blonde and a bank?
After withdrawal, you lose interest.

5. "Tell me again" asked the judge, "why you parked there?"
The blonde answered respectfully, "because your honor it is said fine for parking."

4. A religious blonde talking to her boyfriend: "What about our religious differences? I worship money and you're broke!!!!!"

3. Why do blondes leave empty milk cartons in fridge?
In case someone wants black coffee.

2. Why do blondes use hair spray and mousse?
To catch what goes over their head.

1. Why does it take 5 brunettes to change a light bulb?
To help out the blonde that's been trying for weeks
 

Blonde Secretary's Memo to her Boss

TO: Boss

FROM: Blondie

RE: Changing Calendars from Y2K I hope that I haven't misunderstood your instructions because, to be honest, none of this Y to K problem made much sense to me.

At any rate, I have finished the conversion of all of the months on all of the company calendars for next year. The calendars have returned from the printer and are ready to be distributed with the following new months:
Januark
Februark
Mak
Julk

I also changed all the days of each week to:

Sundak
Mondak
Tuesdak
Wednesdak
Thursdak
Fridak
Saturdak

We are now Y to K compliant. Have a nice dak!!!
 

The Top 6 Ways a Football is Like a Blonde

6. Both are made out of plastic.

5. Both are full of hot air.

4. Both are frequently passed from man to man.

3. Both have been known to score.

2. Both are often handled by hot, sweaty guys on television.

1. Women aren't especially fond of them.
 

A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette are riding in an elevator, when they see a small puddle in the corner.

The brunette looks at it. ''That's definitely cum,'' she says.

The redhead touches it. ''That's definitely cum,'' she says.

The blonde takes a little taste. ''That's definitely cum, but nobody in our building.''
 

They were very excited about their new arrivals, and were trying
to figure out what sex the baby will be.

"My baby will be a boy, because when we had sex my husband was
on top," said the redhead.

"My baby is going to be a girl because I was on top during sex,
" says the brunette.

There was a few moments of silence, and then the blond exclaims,
"I'm going to have puppies!"
 

How do you make a blonde laugh on Friday?

Tell her a joke on Monday!
 

Build a circular driveway.

***************************************************************

10 Blonde Science Fair Projects

10) Are poisonous snakes really venomous?

9) Is lighter fluid flammable?

8) What hurts more: falling off a building, or a cliff?

7) Are knives sharp?

6) Can sharks hurt a human?

5) What happens if I stick my hand in a piranha aquarium?

4) Can I break my arm hitting it against a wall?

3) Can I eat broken glass and live?

2) Can dogs talk?

1) Are blondes really dumb?

***********************************************************

A blonde and a brunette are walking down the street when the brunette says, “Look, a dead bird!”

So the blonde looks up!

***********************************************************

A Blonde Party

What kinds of people don't get invited to blonde parties?

Women!






******************************************

Why do blondes wear big hoop earrings when they go on a date?

So they have some place to put their feet.

 

There was a woman who wanted to repaint her house, so she called the contractor and set an appointment to meet with him.

When the contractor came to her house they did a walk-through and he asked her what colors she would like. They came to the living room and she told him that she would like a nice, warm cream color.

The contractor wrote something down on his pad, then walked to the window and yelled, ''Greenside up.''

The lady is a little confused, but doesn't say anything, and they continue to the dining room where she tells him, ''I would like a nice warm white in here, nothing stark.''

The contractor writes something down on his pad, then walks to the window and again yells, ''Greenside up!''

The lady is really confused now but still does not say anything.

They continue to her bedroom and she says, ''I would like a nice, cool, relaxing blue in here.'' The contractor writes something on his pad and again walks to the window and yells, ''Greenside up.''

The woman is now totally perplexed and says to the contractor,"Three times I have told you the color that I want, and you write something on your pad, then you walk to the window and yell greenside up.

"What is going on?" The contractor replies, "You see, I have four blondes laying sod across the street."
 

Blonde State of Mind

A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of international capitals.
She proudly said, "Go ahead and quiz me. I know all of them!"

Her friend said, "O.K. then, what's the capital of France?"

The blonde replied, "Oh, that's so easy! F."
 

This blonde woman went to Canada to seek her fortune as a lumberjack. She met a foreman of a logging organization who offered to give her a job.

"Now I hope you realize we expect you to cut down at least 100 trees a day," the foreman told her.

The blonde woman didn't see this as a problem, so she went out with the Chainsaw and did her best.

She came back sweating like a pig. ''Christ, how many trees did you cut down?'' asked the foreman.

''6'' she replied.

''What!? You have to do beter than that. Get up earlier tommorow.'' The foreman said.

So she did. Out she went with the chainsaw, she came back that night exhausted.

'How many this time?'' asked the foreman.

''12'' she said.

The foreman says, ''That does it. I'm coming out there with you tommorow morning.''

The next morning, the foreman reaches the first tree and says, ''This is how to cut down trees really quickly.'' He pulls the rope on the chainsaw and it gives off a loud BRRRRRRUM.

He notices the blonde is looking at him frantically. So he asks her what's wrong.

She replies, ''What the hell is that?'''
 

A blonde was standing outside a fast food store, eating a burger,with her panties around her ankles. A chap walks up and asks, ''Excuse me, but can I ask why your panties are around your ankles?'' ''Oh really,'' she says, ''Has he gone now?''
 

She called 911 and started screaming, "Help me, please!

My house is burning! Hurry!"

The operator said, "Okay, calm down and we'll be there soon.

How do we get to your house?"

The blonde answered, "Duh, in that big red truck!"


 

There was a blonde, redhead and a brunette all looking in a dictionary for the hardest word they knew.

The Redheads was quizzical, the brunettes was photosynthesis and the blondes was dick!.
 

Why doesn't the blonde want to drink beer on the beach?

Because she doesn't want to get sand in her Busch.
 

What's the difference between a rooster and a blonde?

A rooster says, "Cockadoodledoo!" And a blonde says, "Any cock'll do."
 

A blonde has just gotten a new sports car.

She cuts out in front of a semi, and almost causes it to drive over a cliff.

The driver furiously motions for her to pull over, and she does.

The driver gets out and draws a circle and tells her to stand in it.

Then he gets out his knife and cuts up her leather seats. He turns around and sees she's smiling.

So he goes to his truck, takes out a baseball bat, and starts busting her windows and beating her car. He looks back to see that she's laughing.

He's really mad now, so he takes his knife and slices her tires. He turns around and she's laughing so hard, she's about to fall down.

He demands, "What's so funny?"

She says, "Every time you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle!"
 

Q: How do you tell if a bank robber is blonde?

A: She ties up the safe and blows the guard.
 

How did the blonde die raking leaves?

She fell out of the tree!

************************************************

What's the difference between the Atlantic Coast and a blonde?

The Atlantic Coast would never have that many crabs!!

************************************************

What do you get when Dolly Parton does the backstroke?

Islands In The Stream.

*****************************************

A blonde and a brunette are out driving, and the brunette tells the blonde to look out for cops - especially cops with their lights on. After they've been driving for a while, the brunette asks the blonde if she's seen any cops.
"Yes," says the blonde.

"Are their lights on?"

The blonde has to think for a moment, then says, "Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No."

***************************************

How can you tell when a blonde has been baking chocolate chip cookies?

There's M&M shells all over the floor.

*****************************************

A blonde walks down the street and sees a banana peel a hundred yards ahead, and she sighs.

"Here we go again."

******************************************

Why did the mirror have 6 holes in it?

A blonde tried to shoot herself!

Q: Why did the blonde call the welfare office?

A: She wanted to know how to cook food stamps!

 

Two Blonds were skiing -at Aspen, when they got into a debate about the best way to ski down a particular hill. "The best way is down the left side of the course, where it's nearly all powder," said the first blonde.

"No, the best way is straight down the middle, where the snow is packed tight," argued the other.

"Look," said the first blonde. "Let's get another opinion. There's a guy dragging a sled up the hill. Let's go ask him."

The second blonde agreed, and in a few minutes the two caught up with the guy.

"Excuse me," said the first blonde. "I say the best way to ski down this hill is to take the left side of the course, where it's nearly all powder, and my friend thinks the best way is straight down the middle, where the snow is packed tight. Can you tell us who's right?"

"Sorry, ladies," said the man, "but there's no use in asking me. I'm a tobogganist."

"Oh," said the second blonde. "Well, in that case, can I get a pack of Marlboro Lights ?"
 

I can't play fetch with my dog, the blonde said.

Why not? the doctor asked.

Because, she replied, He can't throw.
 

After several unsuccessful advances, the bachelor asked his blonde and alluring but standoffish date "Do you shrink from making love?"

"If I did," she sighed, "I'd be a midget."

 

A group of blondes in a class at the University of the Pacific were
given the assignment to measure the height of a flagpole. So they went
out to the flagpole with ladders and tape measures, and they're
falling off the ladders, dropping the tape measures - the whole thing was just
a mess.

An engineering student comes along, sees what they're trying to do,
walks over, pulls the flagpole out of the ground, lays it flat,
measures it from end to end, and then gave measurement to one of the blondes
and walked away.

After the engineer had gone, one blonde turned to another and laughed.
"Isn't that just like a dumb engineer? We're looking for the height
and he gives us the length!"
 

A blonde was swerving all over the road and driving very badly, so she got pulled over by a cop.

The cop walked up to her window and asked, "Miss, why are you driving so recklessly?"

The blonde said, "I'm sorry sir, but wherever I go, there's always a tree in front of me and I can't seem to get away from it!"

The cop looked at her and said, "Lady, that's your air freshener!"
 

Blonde Ironing

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and an ironing board?

A: Sometimes the legs on the ironing board are hard to open!

 

A Blonde and a Shower

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a shower?

A: You don't have to turn a blonde on to get her wet.

What do u call a blonde doing a handstand?

A brunette with bad breath.

Avon Lady

Q: Why does the blonde Avon Lady walk funny?

A: Her lipstick.

The Top 6 Ways a Football is Like a Blonde

6. Both are made out of plastic.
5. Both are full of hot air.
4. Both are frequently passed from man to man.
3. Both have been known to score.
2. Both are often handled by hot, sweaty guys on television.
1. Women aren't especially fond of them.
 

A blonde was being a substitute teacher for her friend. She figured that it would be best if she wrote everything on the board for the kids, so it would be easier for them to understand.

During math class she said to the class, "Ok class, it is time for your math test. I will write the problems for the test on the board." So she did it, and they took the test.

Later in science she said to the class, "I will write the questions to your science assignment on the board." So she did and they took the test.

Then later in spelling, she said to the class, "Class, I will write the words for your spelling test on the board."
 

10. Why were shopping carts invented?

To teach blondes to walk on their hind legs.

9. What's the difference between a blonde and the Panama Canal?

The Panama Canal is a busy ditch....

8. Why do blondes get confused in the bathroom?

They have to pull their own pants down.

7. Why did it take the blonde so long to make chocolate chip cookies?
She had to shell all the M&Ms.

6. What's the similarity between a blonde and a bank?

After withdrawal, you lose interest.

5. "Tell me again" asked the judge, "why you parked there?"

The blonde answered respectfully, "because your honor it is said fine for parking."

4. A religious blonde talking to her boyfriend:

"What about our religious differences? I worship money and you're broke!!!!!"

3. Why do blondes leave empty milk cartons in fridge?

In case someone wants black coffee.

2. Why do blondes use hair spray and mousse?

To catch what goes over their head.

1. Why does it take 5 brunettes to change a light bulb?

To help out the blonde that's been trying for weeks

 

It was a really hot day and this blonde decided she would go buy a coke.

She went to the coke machine and when she put her money in, a coke came out - so she kept putting money in. And since it was such a hot day, a line had formed behind her.

Finally, a guy on line said, "Will you hurry up? We're all hot and thirsty!"

And the blonde said, "No way. I'm still winning!"

 

Judi walks into the library, looks around, then gets in line for the counter.

Once she gets to the head of the line, she loudly says, "I'd like a Big Mac, large fries, and a large Coke."

The librarian looks at her for a moment. Then whispers to Judi, "Ma'am, this is the library."

Judi nods. Then she *whispers*, "I'd like a Big Mac, large fries, and a large Coke."

Yes, Judi has blond hair How did you guess!
 

Blonde in the Mirror

Two blondes are walking down the street when one of them looks down and finds a mirror.

She picks it up, looks into it, and says, "WOW! I know this person. I've seen this person somewhere before..."

The other blonde takes the mirror, looks into it, and says, "Duh, of course you have. That's me!"
 

Two blondes are on opposite sides of a lake.

One blonde yells to the other, "How do you get to the other side?"

"You are on the other side," the other blonde yells back.
 

A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead!

Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head. The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it." The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"
 

Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived.

"My Gosh!" the trooper gasped. "Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant.

Are you OK ma'am!?"

"Yes, officer, I'm just fine" the blonde chirped.

"Well, how in the world did this happen?" the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car.

"Officer, it was the strangest thing!" the blonde began. "I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere this TREE pops up in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I swerved to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ....

"Uh, ma'am," the officer said, cutting her off, "There isn't a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth."

 

Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized.

She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.

The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels, and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond.

As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!"
 

Two drunk blondes are stranded in the middle of nowhere trying to get home.

The first blonde needs to take a piss bad so she tromps off into the bushes.

After almost 10 minutes the second blonde begins to get worried and heads into the field to look for the first.

She walks for almost a kilometer until she finally finds the first blonde.... kneeling beneath a horse, sucking its cock.

"What in the world are you doing that for???" asks the second blonde.

The first blonde sucks her lips away from the huge cock and drools, "Hold on, I think I may be able to get us a free ride home!"
 

The owner of a golf course in Alabama was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his blonde secretary for some mathematical help.

He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from the University of Florida. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"

The secretary thought a moment, then replied, "Everything but my earrings."

 

A father and his three beautiful, blonde, daughters went into a hotel to stay for the night.

When the daughters went to check in, they saw a really good looking bell boy.

The father caught the three girls looking at him and he threatened to kill the bell boy if he did anything at all with them. So the bell boy minded his business and ignored the girls.While he was working ever so diligently, the eldest daughter goes up to him and says, "If you don't do it with me in bed, I will pour red juice on the sheets of my bed and tell my father that you popped my cherry."

Fearing for his life, he did it with her.

Then he saw the beautiful middle daughter in the hallway and she too walked over to him and said, "If you don't do it with me, I'll pour red juice on my bed and tell my father that you popped my cherry."

Again fearing for his life, he agreed.

Later that evening the youngest blonde daughter saw him.She walked up to him and said, "If you don't have sex with me, I'll pour green juice all over the bed and tell my father that you popped my cherry."

"Green juice?" He asked. "Why Green?"

She replied, "Because my cherry is not ripe yet, duh."
 

Liana was a beautiful blonde girl.

As she was walking through the woods on a hot summers day, the heat became too much for her and she decided to go for a swim. She took off all her clothes, piled them neatly on the side of the riverbank and dove in.

A couple of young boys came along and decided to steal her clothes.

Having gotten out of the water and discovered that her clothes had been stolen, Liana decided to go to the roadside and hitch a ride home.

Along came Steve, riding a bicycle. He stopped for Liana."Come," he said, "I'll ride you into town."She jumped on his bicycle and rode side saddle in front of him.

Steve said nothing, but after ten minutes Liana was so overwhelmed at how calm he was that she said, "Tell me, haven't you noticed that I'm completely naked?"

"Sure," said Steve. "Haven't you noticed that you're riding on a girls bike?"
 

Blonde Judi is explaining to Monika the bad day she'd had at work. Judi's boss had suffered a heart attack and died.

Monika said, "How horrible! What did you do?"

Judi shook her head. "There was nothing I could do. He kept yelling at me to call 9-1-1, but he wouldn't tell me the rest of the numbers!"
 

A blonde is driving along a deserted country road with fields on either side.

She looks out the window and sees another blonde in the middle of a field, in a rowboat, rowing and rowing.

She stops the car, rolls down the window and yells, "You know it's blondes like you who give the rest of us blondes a bad name!"

Getting no reaction from the blonde in the rowboat, she screams, "If I could swim I'd come out there and punch you out!"
 

A bartender is sitting behind the bar on a typical day, when the door bursts open and in come four exuberant blondes. They come up to the bar, order five bottles of champagne and ten glasses, take their order over and sit down at a large table. The corks are popped, the glasses are filled and they begin toasting and chanting, "51
days, 51 days, 51 days!"

Soon, three more blondes arrive, take up their drinks and the chanting grows. "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" Two more blondes show up and soon their voices are joined in raising the roof. "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"

Finally, the tenth blonde comes in with a picture under her arm. She walks over to the table, sets the picture in the middle and the table erupts.

Up jump the others, they begin dancing around the table, exchanging high-fives, all the while chanting "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"

The bartender can't contain his curiosity any longer, so he walks over to the table. There in the center is a beautifully framed child's puzzle of the Cookie Monster.

When the frenzy dies down a little bit, the bartender asks one of the blondes, "What's all the chanting and celebration about?"

The blonde who brought in the picture pipes in, "Everyone thinks that blondes are dumb and they make fun of us. So, we decided to set the record straight. Ten of us got together, bought that puzzle and put it together. The side of the box said 2-4 years, but we put it together in 51 days!"
 

There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a
river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank.

"Yoo-hoo" she shouts, "how can I get to the other
side?"

The second blonde looks up the river then down the
river then shouts back, "You are on the other side."

 

It was the first time the blonde was eating Thanksgiving dinner without her family.

Trying to re-enact the tradition, she prepared a dinner for herself.

The next day her mother called to see how everything went."Oh, mother, I made myself a lovely dinner, but I had so much trouble trying to eat the turkey?" said the daughter.

"Did it not taste good?" her mother asked.

"I don't know," the blonde said. "It wouldn't sit still!"
 

How do you sink a submarine full of blonds?

-Knock on the hatch
 

What do you call a smart blonde?

A Golden Retriever.

 

One day, a blonde named Sally was putting together a puzzle. She was really stumped and very frustrated, so she decided to ask her husband for help.

''It's supposed to be a tiger!'' Sally cried.

''Honey," said Dan, "Put the Frosted Flakes back in the box!''
 

THE BLONDE AND THE RABBIT

A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across
the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid hitting it, but
unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car.
The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over
and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit.

Much to his dismay, the rabbit is dead. The driver feels so awful
that he begins to cry.

A beautiful woman driving down the highway sees the man crying
on the side of a road and pulls over. She steps out of the car
and asks him what's wrong. "I feel terrible," he explains, "I
accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it."

The blonde says, "Don't worry." She runs to her car and pulls out
a spray can. She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit, bends
down, and sprays the contents onto the rabbit.

The rabbit jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops
off down the road. Ten feet away the rabbit stops, turns
around and waves again, he hops down the road another 10
feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves,
and repeats this again and again and again, until he hops out
of sight.

The man is astonished. He runs over to the woman and demands,
"What is in that can? What did you spray on that rabbit?"

The woman turns the can around so the man can read the label.

It says, "Hair Spray - Restores life to dead hair, and adds permanent wave."
 

Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her own
head. The boyfriend yells, "No honey, don't do it!"

The blonde replies, "Shut up! You're next!"
 

A Sailor met a good looking blonde at the bar and wastrying to get laid without much success."I don't date servicemen," she said, "but I am curious as to why you sailors have those two rows of buttons
on your pants.""Why, that's because we have two dicks," the sailor
replied."Interesting, probably twice as much fun," replied the
blonde, "let's go to my place and try them out."

So they did, and after the first screwing the blonde says "Boy that was sure nice, now that I'm rested and still horny, I want the other one."

Whereupon the sailor undid the other side of buttons,pulled out a limp, weary dick, looked at it and sadlydeclared "Well, I'll be damned! He's pouting because he wasn't FIRST!"

Three blondes had just bought a can of Pepsi One and were anxious to try it for the first time.

So the first blonde opens the can, the second blonde pours it into three glasses.

The third blonde eyes the three glasses suspiciously and says "I wonder which one has the calorie?"
 

A fellow dies, goes to Hell, and is surprised when confronted by a room full of beautiful blondes and kegs of beer.

He asks a nearby demon if this is really Hell, and what was so bad about the place.

"Well," said the demon, "The kegs all have holes in the bottoms, and the blondes don't!"
 

A blonde named Barbara appeared on Who Wants To Be A Millionaire...

Regis: "Barbara, you've done very well so far - $500,000 and one
lifeline left. The next question will give you the million dollars if
you get it right ... but if you get it wrong you will drop back to
$32,000 -- are you ready?"

Barbara: "Sure I'll have a go."

Regis: "Which of the following birds does not build it's own nest? Is
it...

A-Robin
B-Sparrow
C-Cuckoo
D-Thrush

"Remember, Barbara, it's worth 1 million dollars."

Barbara: "It's a cuckoo."

Regis: "You're sure? You can walk with the $500,000 or play on for the
million."

Barbara: "I want to play, I'll go with C - Cuckoo."

Regis: "Is that your final answer?"

Barbara: "It is."

Regis: "Are you confident?"

Barbara: "Absolutely!"

Regis: "Barbara.....you had $500,000 and you said C -Cuckoo.

Well....you're right! - You have just won ONE MILLION DOLLARS Here is your check. You have been a great contestant and a real gambler.
Audience please put your hands together for Barbara."

That night Barbara calls her friend Carol and they go to a local bar for a celebration drink. As they are sipping their champagne. Carol turns to Barbara and asks, "Tell me, how did you know that it was the
cuckoo that does not build its own nest?"

"It was so simple," Barbara replied, "Everybody knows that cuckoos live in clocks."

Q. What did the postcard say frrom the blond?

A. Having a good time. Where am I?

Q. Why did the blond climb the chain link fence?

A. To see what was on the other side.

Q. What do you call a blond in a tree with a briefcase?

A. Branch Manager

Q. Why did the blond cross the road?

A. Never mind that, what was she doing out of the bedroom?
 

A blonde came home from her first day commuting into the city.

Her mother noticed she was looking a little peaked and asked, "Honey, are you feeling all right?"

"Not really," the blonde replied. "I'm nauseous from sitting backward on the train."

"Poor dear," Mom said. "Why didn't you ask the person sitting across from you to switch seats for a while?"

"I couldn't," she replied. "There was no one there."

This blonde was sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid. So she made up her mind that she would show her husband that blondes really are smart. One day, while he was at work, she purchased a can of paint and decided to repaint the living room.

Her husband arrived home at 5:30 and smelled the distinctive odor of paint. He walked into the living room and found his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He observed that she was wearing a ski jacket as well as a fur coat.He went over to her and asked if she was OK. She acknowledged that she was.He then asked what she was doing.

She replied that she had set out to prove to him that not all blondes are dumb and, to do so, she had elected to paint the living room.

He then asked why she was wearing both a ski jacket and a fur coat.Her response was that she had read the directions on the paint can and they said,FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS.
 

A blonde was chatting with her building manager when she happened to mention that the tenants in the apartment above hers were awfully noisy.

"Most nights, they stomp around up there as if they will killing cockroaches or something. All evening, this goes on, until around midnight."

"That's terrible," said the building manager. "Do you want me to speak to them about it?"

"Oh, no, it's not necessary," said the blonde. "It doesn't keep me up or anything, because, most nights, I usually stay up and practice my trumpet 'til about that time anyway."

 

An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a layover in another city. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.

The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened.

She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room.

"You can't get out of your room?"

The captain asked, "Why not?"

The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"
 

My friend was on duty in the main computer lab at school on a quiet afternoon. He noticed Buffy a young BLONDE woman sitting in front of one of the workstations with her arms crossed across her chest and
staring at the screen.

After about 15 minutes he noticed that she was still in the same position only now she was impatiently tapping her foot.

He asked if she needed help and she replied, "It's about time! I pushed the F1 button over twenty minutes ago!"

A man is sitting on a train across from a Busty blonde wearing a tiny mini skirt. Despite his efforts, he is unable to stop staring at the top of her thighs. To his delight, he realizes she has gone without underwear.

The blonde realizes he is staring and inquires, "Are you looking at my pussy?"

"Yes, I'm sorry," replies the man and promises to avert his eyes.

"It's quite alright," replies the woman, "It's very talented, watch this, I'll make it blow a kiss to you." Sure enough the pussy blows him a kiss.

The man, who is completely absorbed, inquires what else the wonder pussy can do.

"I can also make it wink," says the woman. The man stares in amazement as the pussy winks at him.

"Come and sit next to me," suggests the woman, patting the seat. The man moves over and is asked, "Would you like to stick a couple of fingers in?"

Stunned, the man replies, "Good grief! Can it whistle too?"
 

A blonde schedules a three-hour session with her therapist, and all she wants to talk about is how the constant pressure of being a beautiful, desirable blonde is causing her migraine headaches. For three hours straight, she whines, and cries, and moans about how hard it is to be so sexy, while everyone is theworld is jealous of her, and says mean things about her, and calls her dumb, and self-centered, and shallow...

At the two-and-a-half-hour mark, the blonde suddenly stops in mid-sentence and shouts, "Doctor! You're a miracle worker! I'm cured! My headache is gone!"

The shrink sighs and replies, "No, it isn't -- I have it now."
 

Oscar drove his brand new Mercedes car to his favorite sporting goods store. He parked it outside and went in to do a little perusing with Jan, his regular sales
woman.

Jan was a pretty blonde, and as Oscar walked into the store, she happily greeted him. But he requested to look around alone today before he needed her help. She
obliged and let him do his thing.

Five minutes later, Jan came running up to himyelling, "Oscar! Oscar! I just saw someone driving off with your new Mercedes!"

"Dear God! Did you try to stop him?"

"No," she said, "I did better than that! I got the license plate number!"
 

QUESTION: Why are blonde jokes so short?

ANSWER: So men can remember them.

 

If a Blonde and a Brunette jump off the Empire StateBuilding at the exact same time, who's going to hit the ground first?

The Brunette of course, the Blonde had to stop and ask directions.
 

BLONDE QUICKIES!

She was so blonde that…

She thought a quarterback was a refund.

She tripped over the cordless phone.

She put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to makeup her mind.

She took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.

If she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.

When she heard that 90% of all crimes happened around the home, she moved.

Did you hear about the blonde that got an AM radio? It took her months to figure out she could use it at night.

What did the blonde say when she saw the sign in front of the YMCA? "Look! They spelled MACY'S wrong!"

Why can't blondes take coffee breaks? They're too hard to retrain.

What do you call nine blondes standing in a circle? A dope ring.

Why can't blondes be pharmacists? Because they can't fit the bottle in the typewriter.

What do you call a smart blonde? A golden retriever.

What's the definition of eternity? Four blondes at a 4-way stop.

What do you call five blondes at the bottom of the ocean? An air pocket.

What do you call a basement full of blondes? A whine cellar.

Why do blondes have TGIF on their shirts? "This Goes In Front."

What did the blonde say when she looked into a box of Cheerios? "Oh,
look!! Donut seeds!"
 

I just wanna say that I'm against eating meat cause I'm a veternarian, and blondes being stupid is just another stereo system.

A sheriff in a small town walked out in the street and saw a blonde cowboy coming down the walk with nothing on but his cowboy hat, gun and his boots.

So the sheriff arrested him for indecent exposure. As he was locking him up he asked "Why in the world are you dressed like this?"

The Cowboy said, "Well it's like this Sheriff... I was in the bar down the road and this pretty little red head asked me to go out to her motor home with her....and I did.

"We went inside and she pulled off her top and asked me to pull off my shirt, .... so I did....

"Then she pulled off her skirt and asked me to pull off my pants... so I did...

"Then she pulled off her panties and asked me to pull off my shorts... So I did...

"Then she got on the bed, looked at me kind of funny and said, Now go to town cowboy....

"So here I am!"


 

The traffic light wasn't working on the corner of Broadway and 72nd Street, so the blonde stood with a large crowd of people waiting to cross, while a cop directed traffic.

Finally, the cop blew his whistle, motioned to the crowd, and shouted, "OK, pedestrians!"

The throng surged across Broadway -- all except the blonde, who stayed on the corner. When the walkers were safely on the other side of the street, the cop moved the cross-traffic through the intersection.

Half a minute later, he stopped the cars on Broadway and sent the 72nd Street traffic into motion.

Again, he got around to the blonde's corner, where by this time she had been joined by another crowd of people.

Tweeeeeeeet! "OK, pedestrians!" The crowd crossed the street, but again the blonde stayed put. She looked at her watch and tapped her foot but never budged from the sidewalk.

Finally, after the cop yelled, "OK, pedestrians!" for the third time, the blonde shouted across traffic, "Yo! Officer! Isn't it about time you let the Catholics cross?"
 

Q: Where do blonds go meet their relatives?
A: The vegatable garden

Q: Did you hear about the blond who bought a toy poodle?
A: She killed trying to shove the batteries up it's rear.

Q: What did the blond say when she heard her friend died?
A: What color?

Q: What's the difference between a blond and a telephone?
A: It costs 30 cents to use a telephone.
 

Instant Winner

A blonde goes into a restaurant and notices there's a "peel and win"sticker on her coffee cup.

So she's peels it off and starts screaming, "I've won a motor home! I've won a motor home!"

The waitress says, "That's impossible. The biggest prize is a free lunch."

The blonde keeps screaming, "I've won a motor home! I've won a motor home!"

Finally the manager comes over and says, "Ma'am, I'm sorry, but you're mistaken. You couldn't possibly have won a motor home because we didn't have that as a prize!"

The blonde says, "No it's not a mistake. I've won a motor home!" And she hands the ticket to the manager and he reads ... WIN A BAGEL.
 

An English Gentleman goes to the local Hallmark Store and
approaches the young blonde Clerk with a question.

"Do you keep stationery?" He asked

"For about 2 or three minutes, but then I just go all crazy." She
replied.

The biggest difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
You can only fit three fingers in a bowling ball!
 

There was a blonde driving down the center of the road at 100 mph. A police officer pulled her over to the side of the road. When she had stopped, the officer asked, "License and Registration, please."

"Fine. It's okay, Officer, I have a special license that allows me to do this," she said smiling.

"Sure, lady!"The officer replied,"I've never heard of such a license."

To which the driver reached into her purse and handed him her license.

Astonished, the Officer said, "Just as I suspected. This is an ordinary license, I see nothing here that would allow you special consideration."

She pointed to the bottom of the license,"See? It says so right here: 'Tear Along The Dotted Line'."

The blonde was complaining to one of her friends.

"It was terrible!" she said. "I had to change seats five times at the movie last night!"

"Why? asked her friend. "Did some guy bother you?"

"Yeah," she said, "eventually!"

 

A blonde couple were delighted when their long wait to adopt a baby came to an end. The adoption center called and told them that they had a wonderful Russian baby boy, and the couple took him without hesitation.

On the way home from the adoption center, they stopped by the local college so they each could enroll in night courses.

After they filled out the forms, the registration clerk inquired, "What ever possessed you to study Russian?"

The couple said proudly, "We just adopted a Russian baby, and in a year or so he'll start to talk. We just want to be able to understand him."
 

FRENCH PERFUME

Two blonde girls walk into a department store. They walk up to the perfume counter and pick up a sample bottle.

Sharon sprays it on her wrist and smells it, "That's quite nice,don't you think, Tracy"

"Yeah. What's it called Sharon?"

"Viens a moi."

"Viens a moi? What the does that mean?"

At this stage the store clerk offers some help.

"Viens a moi, ladies, is French for 'come to me.'"

Sharon takes anther sniff and offers her arm to Tracy again saying, "That doesn't smell like come to me. Does that smell like come to you?"
 

My boyfriend and I were lunching at a sidewalk cafe' in Huntington
Beach, CA.

Our waitress looked like a real surfer girl: athletic with a great tan and blonde hair. Mulling over the menu, my guy asked her if the roast beef was rare.

The waitress gave us a long blank look and replied, "Well, no. We have it, like, just about every day."

A blonde woman walks into a chemist and asks the assistant for some
bottom deodorant.

The assistant, a little bemused, explains to the woman that they don't sell bottom deodorant, and never have.

The blonde, unfazed, assures the lady behind the counter that she has been buying the stuff from here on a regular basis, and would like some more.

The shop assistant thinks for a minute, knowing full well that they don't stock, or have ever sold, such an item. She smiles at the dumb blonde and says, "One moment please, I will get the pharmacist."

The pharmacist looks at the blonde and says, "Can I help you miss?"

"I would like to buy some bottom deodorant please," says the blonde.

"I'm sorry," says the chemist, "we don't have any."

"But I always get it here," says the blonde.

"Do you have the container it comes in?"

"Yes!" Said the blonde, "I'll go home and get it." She returns with the container and hands it to the chemist who looks at it and says to her,

"This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant."

The annoyed blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container, "To apply, push up bottom!"
 

BLONDES

Did you hear about the blonde that...

1. Took her new scarf back to the store because it was too tight.

2.Couldn't learn to water ski because she couldn't find a lake with a slope.

3. Can't work in a pharmacy because the bottles won't fit into the typewriter.

4. Got excited because she finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months and the box said "2 to 4 years"

5. Was trapped on an escalator for hours when the power went out.

6. Couldn't call 911 because there was no 11 on any phone button.

7. When asked what the capital of California was; answered "C"

8. Burnt her nose bobbing for French fries.

9. Baked a turkey for 3 days because the instructions said 1 hour per pound and she weighed 125.

10. Can't make Kool-Aid because 8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets.

11. Hates M&M's because they are so hard to peel.

12. Got hurt while raking leaves; fell out of the tree.

13. Changes the baby's diaper only once a month because the label said "good up to 20 pounds"

14. After losing in a breaststroke swimming competition, complained that the other swimmers were using their arms.

15. What goes vroom-screech-vroom-screech',etc? A blonde at a flashing red light.

16. Two blondes are trying to get into their car using a coat hanger when one says, "Hurry, it's starting to rain and the top is down"
 

A blonde was visiting Washington, DC for the first time. She wanted to see the Capitol building. Unfortunately, she couldn't find it, so she asked a police officer for directions - "Excuse me, officer, how do I get to the Capitol building?"

The officer replied, "Wait here at this bus stop for the number 54 bus. It'll take you right there." She thanked the officer and he drives off.

Three hours later the police officer returned to the same area and, sure enough, the blonde is still waiting at the same bus stop.

The officer got out of his car and said, "Excuse me, but to get to
the Capitol building, I said to wait here for the number 54 bus and that was three hours ago! Why are you still waiting?"

The blonde replied, "Don't worry, officer, it won't be long now... The 45th bus just went by!"

 

A blonde heard that milk baths make you beautiful. So she left a note for her milkman to leave 15 gallons of milk.

When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 1.5 gallons, so he knocked on the door to clarify the point.

The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note to leave 15 gallons of milk.

Did you mean 15 gallons or 1.5 gallons? "

The blonde said, "I want 15 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub with milk and take a milk bath." T

he milkman asked, "OK. You want it Pasteurized? "

The blonde said, "No, just up to my tits."

 

A blonde walks by a travel agency and notices a sign in the window,
"Cruise Special -- $99!"

So she goes inside, lays her money on the counter and says, "I'd like the $99 cruise special, please."

The agent grabs her, drags her into the back room,ties her to a large inner tube, then drags her out the back door and downhill to the river,where he pushes her in and sends her floating.

A second blonde comes by a few minutes later, sees the sign, goes inside, lays her money on the counter, and asks for the $99 special. She too is tied to an innertube and sent floating down the river.

Somehow drifting into stronger current, she eventually catches up with the first blonde. They float side by side for a while before the first blonde asks, "Do they serve refreshments on this cruise?"

The second blonde replies,"They didn't last year...."

 

Rated G

She was so blonde that….

She thought a quarterback was a refund.

She tripped over the cordless phone.

She put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to makeup her mind.

She took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.

If she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.

When she heard that 90% of all crimes happened around the home, she moved.

Did you hear about the blonde that got an AM radio?
It took her months to figure out she could use it at night.

What did the blonde say when she saw the sign in front of the YMCA?
"Look! They spelled MACY'S wrong!"

Why can't blondes take coffee breaks?
They're too hard to retrain.

What do you call nine blondes standing in a circle?
A dope ring.

Why can't blondes be pharmacists?
Because they can't fit the bottle in the typewriter.

What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.

What's the definition of eternity?
Four blondes at a 4-way stop.

What do you call five blondes at the bottom of the ocean?
...An air pocket.

What do you call a basement full of blondes?
A whine cellar.

Why do blondes have TGIF on their shirts?
"This Goes In Front."

What did the blonde say when she looked into a box of Cheerios? ..."Oh, look!! Donut seeds!"


 

Lorraine

QUESTION: What is blonde, brunette, blonde, brunette....?

ANSWER: A blonde doing cartwheels!

One day, a blonde and a brunette were out for a ride in the blonde's new car.

Suddenly, some jerk pulled in front of them.

The blonde then put her lips on the steering wheel.

The brunette feared for her life, but had the courage to ask, "What are you doing?!"

The blonde calmly replied, "I'm trying to blow the horn."

Why doesn't a blonde talk during sex?

Because her mother told her never to talk to strangers.


 

A blonde who had been unemployed for several months got a job with
Public Works. She was to paint lines down the center of a rural
road. The supervisor told her that she was on probation and that
she must stay at or above the set average of 2 miles per day to
remain employed.

The blonde agreed to the conditions and started right away. The
supervisor, checking up at the end of the day, found that the blonde had completed 4 miles on her first day, double the average! "Great," he told her, "I think you're really going to work out."

The next day, however, he was disappointed to find that the blonde
only accomplished 2 miles. The supervisor thought, "Well, she's still at the average, and I don't want to discourage her. I'll just keep quiet."

On the third day, the blonde only did one mile and the boss thought,
"I need to talk to her before this gets any worse." The boss pulled the new employee in and said, "You were doing so great. The first day you did 4 miles, the second day 2 miles, but yesterday you only did one mile. Why? Is there a problem? An injury, equipment failure? What's keeping you from meeting the 2-mile minimum?"

The blonde replied, "Well, each day I keep getting farther and
farther away from the bucket."

 

BLONDE PILOT

A blonde pilot decided she wanted to learn how to fly a helicopter. She went to the airport, but the only one available was a solo-helicopter. The instructor figured he could let her go up alone since she was already a pilot for small planes and he could instruct her via radio.

So up the blonde went. She reached 1,000 feet and everything was going smoothly. She reached 2,000 feet. The blonde and the instructor kept talking via radio. Everything was running smoothly. At 3,000 feet the helicopter suddenly came down quickly! It skimmed the top of some trees and crash landed in the woods.

The instructor jumped into his jeep and rushed out to see if the blonde was okay. As he reached the edge of the woods, the blonde was walking out. "What happened?" the instructor asked. "All was going so well until you reached 3,000 feet. What happened then?"

"Well," began the blonde, "I got cold. So I turned off the big fan."

=======================================

OLDIE BUT GOODY

A blonde goes for a job interview in an office. The interviewer starts with the basics. "So, Miss, can you tell us your age, please?"

The blonde counts carefully on her fingers for half a minute before replying. "Um ... 22."

The interviewer tries another straightforward one to break the ice.
"And can you tell us your height, please?"

The young lady stands up and produces a measuring tape from her handbag. She then traps one end under her foot and extends the tape to the top of her head. She checks the measurement and announces,
"Five foot two!"

This isn't looking good so the interviewer goes for the real basics; something the she won't have to count, measure, or lookup. "Just to confirm for our records, your name please?"

The blonde bobs her head from side to side for about fifteen seconds, mouthing something silently to herself, before replying, "Cindy!"

The interviewer is completely baffled at this stage, so he asks,
"What were you doing when I asked you your name?"

"Oh, that!" replies the blonde," I was just running through that song, 'Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear...'"
 

Q: Why can't blondes make ice cubes?

A: Because they always forget the recipe.

 

A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife something nice for their first wedding anniversary. So he decides to buy her a cell phone.

She is all excited, she loves her phone. He shows her and explains to her all the features on the phone.

The next day the blonde goes shopping. Her phone rings and it's her husband.

"Hi hun," he says, "how do you like your new phone?"

She replies, "I just love, it's so small and your voice is clear as a bell but there's one thing I don't understand though."

"What's that, baby?" asks the husband.

"How did you know I was at Wal-Mart?"


 

A few women were sitting around the table talking, and the subject turned to their husbands. One lady said, "My husband just won't go to church with me, I think he's going to go to Hell."

This led to talk around the table and it was generally agreed that, for one reason or another, all the husbands were going to end up in Hell.

So, then the housewives started speculating about themselves.One woman said, "I try to be good - I'm sure I'll make it to Heaven."

Another one said "No, I did this bad thing, I won't make it unless
I mend my ways, I better start soon."

At this point they noticed that one of the ladies (the only single
women in the group, and a blonde, mind you) wasn't saying anything. They turned to her and said, "You're such a nice lady, surely you'll be going to Heaven?"

She says, "No way! In fact, first thing in the morning, I'm going to buy me a ticket straight to Hell!"

They were shocked and asked, "Why??"

"Well, you don't expect me to live in a world without men, do you??!?"


 

This beautiful young blonde walks into the health clinic and begins to talk to the nurse. "Excuse me, ma'am, is this where I can get a vassilation?"

"I think you mean you need a vaccination," said the nurse.

"Yeah, whatever. Just don't give it to me on my arm because I wear a sleepless nightgown."

"You mean a sleeveless nightgown?"

"Yeah, whatever. And don't give it to me on my thigh because I have a zucchini bathing suit."

"You mean a bikini?"

"Yeah, ok. And don't give it to me on my virginia."

"You mean your vagina?"

"All right!!" shouts the girl. "Virginia, vagina, just as long as I don't get small cox!!!!"
 

Rated G

Blonde Jokes

Rated G

Fetch

Rated G Blond Joke

It's a Prindle

Rated G

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Blond Joke of the Month:

Rated R Carol in Atlanta

There are 70 way's to keep a blonde happy:

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Rated G Michele

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Rated G Lorraine

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Blonde Dictionary of Medical Terms

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Blonde Revenge

Rated G 88, 88, 88

Rated G Michele

Rated G Michele

Rated G sassy

Rated G Azuree

Rated G Hank in Simi Valley

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Rated G Michele

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Rated G Michele

Rated PG Michele

Rated PG Michele

Rated G Michele

Rated G Bruce

Rated X

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Rated G Michele

Rated G Michele

Rated G Lorraine

A BLONDE'S COOKING DIARY:

MONDAY:

Rated G Michele

Rated G Hank in Simi

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SHE WAS SO BLONDE...

Rated G Michele

Rated G More Blond Jokes

Question:

Rated G Michele

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Rated XXX Joker

Rated G Michele

Rated G Michele

Rated G Lorraine

Rated G Michele

Rated G Michele

Rated G B.B.

Rated G Michele

Rated G Ed in Aurora Ont.

Rated G Michele

Rated G Michele

Rated G JerseyT

Rated G

Rated G Michele

Rated G Dennis in Yonkers

Rated G Michele

Rated G Judy

Rated G

Rated G

Rated PG

She was Soooooooo Blonde . .

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Blonde & Distance:

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Rated G B.B.

Rated G Lulu

Rated G Michele

Blonde:

Rated G Michele

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FOOTBALL ANALYSIS BY A BLONDE

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Rated G Michele

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Four Degrees of Blonde

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VERY HELPFUL BLOND INVENTIONS

Rated G LuLu

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Rated G George

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The Blonde Year In Review

Rated G B.B.

Rated G

Rated G B.B.

SHE MISSED THE POINT...

Rated G

Rated X

Man goes into a cocktail lounge and approaches a blonde sitting by herself.

R$ated G

Rated G B.B.

Rated G Hot Mama

Rated G B.B.

Rated G Wild Child

Rated G Wild Child

Rated G Wild Child

Rated G Wild Child

Rated G Ed in Aurora, Ont.

Rated G Paladin

Who Wants to be a Millionaire?

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Rated PG

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Rated G Diana

Rated G Bruce

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I know a blond who was so dumb that

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Hear about the blond explorer?

Rated G

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Blond Detective Training

Rated G Denny in Yonkers

Rated G Denny in Yonkers

Rated G Hank in Simi Valley

Rated G WeWi

Dunkin' Donuts Coffee Contest

Rated G TheWhiteRabbit

Rated G Ed in Aurora, Ont.

THE BLONDE AND THE LORD

Rated R Denny In Yonkers

Rated G Ed in Aurora, Ont.



A Blonde's Year in Review

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Hear About The Blonde Who.............................?

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What do Women Really Want (True Wisdom)?