This is topic United States Marines in forum Bob Maar's Joke-A-Thon at Film-Tech Forum ARCHIVE.
To visit this topic, use this URL:
https://ft-forum.com/ft/cgi-bin/ubb/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=7;t=000014
Posted by Mike Bianchi (Member # 271) on 06-28-2001, 04:29 AM:
PG
A sailor in a bar leans over to the guy next to him and says, ''Wanna hear a MARINE joke?''
The guy next to him replies, ''Well, before you tell that joke, you should know something. I'm 6' tall, 200 lbs, and I'm a MARINE. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2'' tall, weighs 225, and he's a MARINE. The fella next to him is 6'5'' tall, weighs 250, and he's also a MARINE. Now, you still wanna tell that joke?''
The sailor says, ''Nah, I don't want to have to explain it three times.''
__________________________________________________________
An Army Ranger was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana and he wanted a pair of genuine alligator boots in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.
After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the Ranger shouted, "maybe I'll just go out and get my own alligator so I can get a pair of boots at a reasonable price!"
The vendor said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you will run into a couple of Marines who were in here earlier saying the same thing."
So the Ranger headed into the bayou that same day and a few hours later came upon two men standing waist deep in the water. He thought, "those must be the two Marines the guy in town was talking about." Just then, the Ranger saw a tremendously long gator swimming
rapidly underwater towards one of the Marines.
Just as the gator was about to attack, the Marine grabbed its neck with both hands and strangled it to death with very little effort. Then both Marines dragged it on shore and flipped it on its back. Laying nearby were several more of the creatures.
One of the Marines then exclaimed, "Damn, this one doesn't have any boots either!"
Posted by Mike Bianchi (Member # 271) on 06-28-2001, 04:31 AM:
Obviously I can't edit type-o's in the subject heading. Can you help me out, Brad?
Posted by William Dickson (Member # 314) on 06-28-2001, 08:20 PM:
Rated PG-13
Q: What do Marines and bananas have in common?
A: They turn yellow and die in bunches on the beach.
Posted by Will Kutler (Member # 770) on 06-28-2001, 08:31 PM:
Rated PGI went to enlist in the Marines, but they refused me, they said I was too smart!
Posted by Will Kutler (Member # 770) on 06-28-2001, 08:32 PM:
Rated PGThe United States Marines: The Few, The Proud, The Dead On The Beach!
Posted by Will Kutler (Member # 770) on 06-28-2001, 08:42 PM:
Rated GTrue Story!
My legal birth name is Will. For years, people would argue with me about my name, and insist that it had to be William, Wilbur, Willis, etc. When it came to legal documents, they would always write in their own "thing", and I usually let my temper fly!
So when I went to the MEPS in Phoenix, AZ, this Marine tried pulling this same shit on my enlistment papers, plus some other "typos" he tried to sneak past me which could have screwed up my military career badly!--no, he did not get past me! I tore up the papers in front of his face, and with my temper aflame, ordered him to retype All of the papers! He did, but was not pleased! He tried acting like a Marine D.I. to this AirForce recruit. I told him to shut his trap, as I had not signed the enlistment papers or taken the oath yet! I never saw him again!
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-28-2001, 09:22 PM:
Rated G 
Speaking as a former United States Marine 1961 to 1968 to all of the people above.....I don't think so. I was there, I know better. I survived 
Semper Fi
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 07-16-2001, 09:34 AM:
Rated G 
In Marine Corps basic training I soon learned that everything we used belonged to our drill instructor. For instance he referred to the stuff in our foot lockers as "my trash"and the racks we slept on as "my racks.
One time we were all whispering in the bathroom while making "head calls" our drill instructor heard us and said "Why do I hear voices in my head?
Posted by Jerry Chase (Member # 660) on 07-17-2001, 09:42 PM:
I often wondered what went on in Marine instructor's heads...Now I have more sympathy for them and their flushed faces.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 08-04-2001, 08:43 PM:
Rated G 
MARINES
My friend George, an ex-Marine Aviator, wanted to show-off his new twin engine plane.
I was riding along as he put it through its paces.
Suddenly, we were caught in a violent thunderstorm, with lightning crashing all around us, we lost the radio and most of the instruments.
As we were being tossed around in the sky, George said, "Damn!"
Fearing the worst, I asked, "What's wrong now?"
George replied, "I got the hiccups. Do something to scare me."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 08-11-2001, 03:08 PM:
Rated PG 
A man was being interviewed for a job.
"Were you in the service?" ask the interviewer."Yes, I was a marine," responded the applicant.
"Did you see any active duty?" He was asked."I was in Vietnam for 2 years and I have a partial disability."
"May I ask what happened?" he was asked."Well, I had a grenade go off between my legs and I lost both testicles." The marine said.
"You're hired. You can start Monday at 10 am.""
When does everyone else start? I don't want any preferential
treatment because of my disability." The marine said.
"Everyone else starts at 7 am but I might as well be honest with you. Nothing gets done between 7 and 10.
We just sit around scratching our balls trying to decide what to do first."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 08-20-2001, 12:05 PM:
Rated PG 
Two military guys walk into a restroom. One is in the Air Force, the other is a Marine. When they are done, the Air Force guy walks to the sink and starts to wash his hands, while the Marine starts to walk out. The Air Force guy yells, "The Air Force teaches us to wash our hands!" The Marine yells back, "The Marines teach us not to piss on our hands!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-26-2001, 03:01 PM:
Rated G 
Dyslectic Marine stormed Bloomingdales today, after
receiving reports that Bed Linen was on the fourth floor..
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-10-2001, 08:21 AM:
Rated G "IT'S GOD'S RESPONSIBILITY TO FORGIVE BIN LADEN...
IT'S OUR RESPONSIBILITY TO ARRANGE THE MEETING!!!"
- United States Marines
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-17-2002, 07:56 AM:
Rated PG 
Marine Corps General Reinwald was interviewed on the radio the other day and you have to read his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning guns and
children. Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you gotta love this! This is one of the best comeback lines of all time.
It is a portion of a National Public Radio (NPR) interview between a female broadcaster and US Marine Corps General Reinwald who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military installation.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?
GENERAL REINWALD: We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?
GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?
GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you're equipping them to become violent killers.
GENERAL REINWALD: Well, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?
The radio went silent and the interview ended
All over America, people were thinking: Semper Fi, Marine."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 05-20-2002, 07:52 AM:
Rated G
An Army platoon was marching through the forest and all of the sudden came upon a Marine.
The Marine sat there and taunted them as most Marines do and finally, when the platoon commander couldn't take anymore, he sent two of his men to rough the Marine up.
The Marine took off behind a hill and there followed a mighty ruckus. A couple minutes later, that same Marine appeared on the top of the hill taunting the platoon once again.
Extremely mad, the platoon commander sent his whole platoon over the hill. After all the noise ended, that same Marine showed his face.
Just then,a battalion of Army soldiers showed up and the commander sent all of them over the hill.
Once again, that same Marine came back up. Finally,exasperated, the commander sends the whole Army over the hill to crush the Marine.
What followed was the loudest and meanest sounding battle the commander had ever heard.
After all the dust settled,a single Army soldier came running over the hill.
"What on earth happened?", the commander asked to his soldier.
"Sir, you don't understand,there was another Marine behind that hill!"
[ 01-06-2008, 05:54 PM: Message edited by: Bob Maar ]
Posted by Matthew Bailey (Member # 601) on 05-20-2002, 08:39 AM:
Here are some Marine jokes about the Lilo & Stitch Stitch character.
An ad shows Stitch in Marine camos wielding an AK47.
The poster reads USMC PEARL HARBOR,HAWAII. Below the text reads-WHEN IN DOUBT ABOUT ENEMY JAPS,EMPTY THE MAGAZINE.
A sticker with Stitch in the same outfit reads-SEMPER FI STITCH.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 09-03-2002, 09:52 AM:
Rated PG ~PARTY AT THE COMMANDANTS QUARTERS~
The Commandant of the Marine Corps was General Al Grey, a crusty old "Field Marine". He loved his Marines and often slipped into the mess hall wearing a faded old field jacket without any rank insignia on it. He would go through the chow line just like a private. (In this way, he was assured of being given the same rations that the lowest enlisted man received. And, woe be it to the Mess Officer if the food was found to be "unfit inquality or quantity".)
Upon becoming Commandant, General Grey was expected to do a great deal of "formal entertaining", fancy dinner parties in full Dress Blue uniform. Now, the General would rather have been in the field eating cold "C-rats" around a fighting hole with a bunch of young "hard charging" Marines. But, the General knew his duty, and as a Marine, he was determined to do it to the best of his ability.
During these formal parties a detachment of highly polished Marines from "Eighth and Eye" (Marine Barracks located at 8th and I Streets in Washington, D.C.) were detailed to assume the position of "Parade Rest" at various intervals around the ballroom where the festivities were being held.
At some point during one of these affairs, a very refined, big chested, blue haired lady picked up a tray of pastry and went around the room offering confections to the guests. When she noticed these Marines in Dress Blues, standing like sculptures all around the room, she was moved with admiration. She knew that several of these men were fresh from our victory in DesertStorm.
She made a "beeline" for the closest Lance Corporal. As she drew near him she asked, "Would you like pastry young man?"
The young Marine snapped to "Attention" and replied, "I don't eat that shit Ma'am." Just as quickly, he resumed the position of "Parade Rest".
His gaze remained fixed on some distant point throughout the exchange. The fancy lady was taken aback! She blinked, her eyes widened, her mouth dropped open. So startled was she that she immediately began to doubt what she had heard.
In a quivering voice she asked, "W-W-What did you say?"The Marine snapped back to the position of "Attention" (like the arm of a mouse trap smacking it's wooden base as it is tripped).Then he said, "I don't eat that shit Ma'am." And, just as smartly as before, back to the position of "Parade Rest" he went.
This time there was no doubt. The fancy lady immediately became incensed, and felt insulted. After all, here she was an important lady, taking the time to offer something nice to this enlisted man, (well below her station in life). And he had the nerve to say THAT to HER! She exclaimed, "Well! I never...!"
The fancy lady remembered that she had met "that military man who was over all these 'soldiers'" a little earlier. She spotted General Grey from across the room. He had a cigar clenched between his teeth and a camouflaged canteen cup full of liquor in his left hand. He was talking to a group of 1st and 2nd Lieutenants.
The blue haired lady went straight over to the Commandant and interrupted, "General, I offered some pastry to that young man over there. And, do you know what he told me?"
General Grey cocked his eyebrow, took the cigar out of his mouth and said, "Well, no Ma'am. I don't."
The lady took in a deep breath, confident that she was expressing with her body language her rage and indignation. As she wagged her head in cadence with her words, and she paused between each word for effect, "He - said, I - don't - eat - that - SHIT - Ma'am!"
The Lieutenants standing there were in a state of flux. A couple of them choked back chuckles, and turned their heads to avoid having their smirks detected. The next thought most of them had, "God, I hope it wasn't one of MY Marines!", and the color left their faces.
General Grey wrinkled his brow, cut his eyes in the direction of the Lieutenants, put his free hand to his chin and expelled a subdued, "Hummm." "Which one did you say it was Ma'am?", the General asked.
"That tall sturdy one right over there near the window, General," the woman said with smug satisfaction.
One of the Lieutenants began to look sick and put a hand on the wall for support.
General Grey, seemed deep in thought, hand still to his chin, wrinkled brow. Suddenly, he looked up his expression changed to indicating he had made a decision. He looked the fancy lady right in the eyes and said, "Well, F*CK 'EM! Don't give him none."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-14-2002, 12:10 PM:
Rated G This Marine drill instructor, completely frazzled by the ineptitude of his recruits, burst into a blue streak of swearing hot enough to blister paint.
He broke off suddenly when he noticed one of the recruits had been talking in ranks.
"WHAT WAS THAT YOU SAID, RECRUIT??" the drill sergeant hollered.
In a quivering voice, the recruit replied, "I said, to myself,, Drill Sergeant Sir, 'if that sucker thinks I'm going to stand here and take his crap . . . well, he's certainly an uncanny judge of character."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-10-2002, 07:45 PM:
Rated PG From a Film-Tech Squid In Washington State who know what he is talking about. AND you all know him.
USMC Rules for Combat
1. Bring a gun. Preferably, bring at least two guns. Bring all of your
friends who have guns.
2. Anything worth shooting is worth shooting twice. Ammo is cheap. Life
is expensive.
3. Only hits count. The only thing worse than a miss is a slow miss.
4. If your shooting stance is good, you're probably not moving fast
enough nor using cover correctly.
5. Move away from your attacker. Distance is your friend. (Lateral and
diagonal movement are preferred.)
6. If you can choose what to bring to a gunfight, bring a long gun and a
friend with a long gun.
7. In ten years nobody will remember the details of caliber, stance, or
tactics. They will only remember who lived.
8. If you are not shooting, you should be communicating, reloading, and
running.
9. Accuracy is relative: most combat shooting standards will be more
dependent on "pucker factor" than the inherent accuracy of the gun.
9.5 Use a gun that works EVERY TIME. "All skill is in vain when an Angel
pisses in the flintlock of your musket."
10. Someday someone may kill you with your own gun, but they should have
to beat you to death with it because it is empty.
11. Always cheat; always win. The only unfair fight is the one you lose.
12. Have a plan.
13. Have a back-up plan, because the first one won't work.
14. Use cover or concealment as much as possible.
15. Flank your adversary when possible. Protect yours.
16. Don't drop your guard.
17. Always tactical load and threat scan 360 degrees.
18. Watch their hands. Hands kill. (In God we trust. Everyone else, keep
your hands where I can see them).
19. Decide to be aggressive ENOUGH, quickly ENOUGH.
20. The faster you finish the fight, the less shot you will get.
21. Be polite. Be professional. But, have a plan to kill everyone you
meet.
22. Be courteous to everyone, friendly to no one.
23. Your number one Option for Personal Security is a lifelong
commitment to avoidance, deterrence, and de-escalation.
24. Do not attend a gunfight with a handgun, the caliber of which does
not start with a "4."
Navy Rules for Combat
1. Go to Sea
2. Send the Marines
3. Drink Coffee
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-26-2002, 11:42 AM:
Rated PG ![[Smile]](smile.gif)
Semper Fi!
From a Marine in Bosnia.Note the signature
A funny thing happened to me yesterday at Camp Bondsteel (Bosnia): A French army officer walked up to me in the PX,and told me he thought we(Americans)were a bunch of cowboys and were going to provoke a war.He said if such a thing happens,we wouldn't be able to count on the support of France.
I told him that it didn't surprise me.Since we had come to France's rescue in World War I, World War II,Vietnam,and the Cold War,their ingratitude and jealousy was due to surface at some point in the near future anyway.That is why France is a third-rate military power with a socialist economy and a bunch of faggots for soldiers.
I additionally told him that America, being a nation of deeds and action, not words, would do whatever it had to do, and France's support was only for show anyway.Just like in ALL NATO exercises, the US would shoulder 85% of the burden, as evidenced by the fact that the French officer was shopping in the American PX, and not the other way around.
He began to get belligerent at that point, and I told him if he would like to, I would meet him outside in front of the Burger King and beat his ass in front of the entire Multi-National Brigade East, thus demonstrating that even the smallest American had more fight in him than the average Frenchman.
He called me a barbarian cowboy and walked away in a huff.With friends like these, who needs enemies?
Mary Beth Johnson
LtCol, USMC
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-11-2002, 03:36 PM:
Rated G
Shortly after President Bush took office, an old man approached the White from the park across Pennsylvania Ave where he'd been sitting on a park bench. He spoke to the U. S. Marine standing guard and said,"I would like to go in and meet with President Clinton."
The marine looked at the man and said, "Sir, Mr. Clinton is no longer president and no longer resides here."
The old man said, "Okay," and walked away.
The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with President Clinton."
The marine again told the man, "Sir, Mr. Clinton is no longer president and no longer resides here."
The man thanked him and, again, just walked away.
The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same U. S. Marine, saying "I would like to go in and meet with President Clinton."
The marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mr. Clinton. I've told you already that Mr. Clinton is no longer the president and no longer resides here. Don't you understand?"
The old man looked at the Marine and said, "Oh, I understand. I just love hearing it."
The Marine snapped to attention, saluted and said, "See you tomorrow, Sir. ![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-16-2003, 08:05 PM:
Rated G Baby Blues
SEC.STATE Colin Powell was recently approached by an Iraqi
newspaper reporter and accusingly asked, "Isn't it true that only 13 percent of young Americans can locate Iraq on a map?"
Secretary Powell stopped, turned, and stated "Yes, it's true. But,unfortunately for you,all 13 percent are United States Marines."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-28-2003, 07:26 PM:
[b]Rated G
As the wife of a Marine with three young daughters and a
son, I doubted that "military brats" were any different from
civilian children.
Then one day I was watching my two youngest playing with their
doll houses. To my surprise,they loaded all the furniture from each house onto two toy trucks,pushed them across the room, switched houses and resumed normal play.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-09-2003, 11:18 AM:
Rated G JJ On the Left Coast
A large group of Iraqi soldiers are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a sand dune: "One United States Marine is bettter than ten Iraqis."
The Iraqi commander quickly sends ten of his best soldiers over the dune,whereupon a gun battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes,then silence.
The voice then calls out: "One United States Marine is better than one hundred Iraqis!"
Furious, the Iraqi commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune and instantly a huge firefight commences. After 10 minutes of battle,again silence.
The American voice calls out again: "One United States Marine is better than one thousand Iraqis!"
The enraged Iraqi commander musters one thousand fighters and sends them across the dune. Cannons, rockets and machine guns ring out as a huge battle is fought.
Then silence. Eventually one wounded Iraqi soldier crawls back over the dune and with his dying breath tells his commander:
"Don't send anymore men! It's a trap! There's TWO of them!
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-15-2003, 06:02 AM:
Rated G
An Indian joins the army.
As he can't speak English, his friend joins with him to act as translator.
After training they are sent to war and soon find themselves in the heat of battle. After a short skirmish they are separated.
The non-English speaking Indian ends up in a fox hole with three huge marines.
The first marine says to the rest, "I'm not waiting here to be killed I'm gonna try to make it back to the rest of the troops."He then jumps out of the foxhole and starts to run across the field. He gets about fifty yards before he is cut in half by machine gun fire.
The second marine says, "I agree with him. I'm gonna try to make it back."He jumps out of the hole and starts to run. Twenty yards out he steps on a mine and is blown to bits.
The third and largest marine says, "The hell with this I'm gonna wait here for the troops to save us."After trying to talk to the Indian he soon realizes he doesn't speak English. Thinking Indians know sign language he again tries to communicate.Walking his fingers across his hand he asks the Indian, "Are you in the infantry?"
The Indian just looks at him.
Then putting two fingers together and bringing down in an arc he asks, "Are you with the paratroopers?"
Still no response.
This time he puts one finger between two on the other hand and says, "Boom, boom, are you with artillery?"
Again no response.The marine says, "I know", putting his hands over his eyes to mimic using binoculars he says, " you're with reconnaissance, right?"
With this the Indian jumps out of the hole and runs like hell, hezigzags back and forth through the field using any cover he can find till finally he makes it back to his squad.
There he finds his English speaking friend.His friend asks, "Are you crazy you could have been killed?"
The Indian replies, "My chances better in field than another foxhole!!! In the last foxhole, a big marine tell me, 'When troops go home and moon go down him fuck me up ass till eyes bug out!!'
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-17-2003, 10:18 AM:
Rated G Baby Blues
The Marines
A Marine Captain stationed in Okinawa, Japan, Breaking silence I
was accompanying the assistant commandant on his inspection of the troops.
To break the silence,the general would ask some of the Marines
standing at attention which outfit they were serving with.
Ramrod straight,each would respond,"Marine Air Group 36, sir,"
or"Second Marine Division, General."
But near the end of the inspection,when the general asked a young private,"Which outfit are you in?" the Marine replied,
"Dress blues, sir, with medals!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 09-04-2003, 11:00 AM:
Rated PG
Conducting a study on sexual behavior, a researcher poses this question to an older Marine Corps pilot: "When did you last make love?"
"Nineteen Fifty-nine" he answers.
"That's an awfully long time." she says.
"I suppose," says the pilot, glancing at his watch, "but it only twentyone fifteen now."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-17-2003, 02:37 PM:
Rated G George in Louisville
As a member of the Marine Corps,I was stationed at Twenty-Nine
Palms Base in California.Among those serving there was a private who was determined not to re-enlist.
At inspection one morning, the officer asked him, "Are you
married, son?"
"No, sir," he replied. "Engaged."
"There's no need to get married," the officer said, sensing an
opportunity to change the private's plans for discharge. "The
Marine Corps is your wife. It clothes you, feeds you, puts a roof over your head, keeps you in top physical condition and provides you with companionship.
What else could you possibly want?"
"With all due respect, sir," answered the private, "a divorce!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-23-2003, 09:08 PM:
Rated PG
Dear Ma and Pa:
I am well.Hope you are.Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the
Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile.Tell them to join up quick before maybe all of the places are filled.I was
restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6
a.m.,but am getting so I like to sleep late.
Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot and shine some things.No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix,wood to split,fire to lay. Practically nothing.Men got to
shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water.
Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice,cereal,eggs,
bacon,etc.but kind of weak on chops,potatoes,ham,steak,fried
eggplant,pie and other regular food.But tell Walt and Elmer you
can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee.Their
food plus yours holds you till noon when you get fed again.It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.
We go on "route" marches, which the Platoon Sergeant says are long walks to harden us.If he thinks so, it is not my place to tell him different.A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home.Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.The country is nice but awful flat.
The Sergeant is like a schoolteacher.He nags some.The Capt.is
like the school board.Majors and Colonels just ride around and
frown.They don't bother you none.
This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing.I keep getting
medals for shooting.I don't know why.The bulls-eye is near as
big as a chipmunk head and don't move.And it ain't shooting at
you,like the Higgett boys at home.All you got to do is lie
there all comfortable and hit it.You don't even load your own
cartridges.They come in boxes.
Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training.You get
to wrestle with them city boys.I have to be real careful though
they break real easy.It ain't like fighting with that ole bull
at home.I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake.He joined up the same time as
me.But I'm only 5'6" and 130 pounds and he's 6'8" and weighs
near 300 pounds dry.
Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other
fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.
Your loving daughter,
Marysue
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-21-2003, 06:57 AM:
Rated R ![[uhoh]](graemlins/uhoh.gif)
![[evil]](graemlins/evil.gif)
Michele
Boot camp, Duluth, Minnesota, February, 0600, -6°.
The Sergeant bellows "Outta those bunks! Birthday suit inspection! I want your ass to fall in outside, NOW! Buck nekkid! Stand close enough to make the man in front of you smile! MOVE, YOUR ASS - NOW!
The barracks quickly empty, the men fall in and shiver at
attention. The Sergeant hollers "LOOSEN RANKS!"
The ranks separate a bit.
The Captain approaches, carrying a swagger stick.With the stick,
he swats one of the men across the chest."Did that hurt, Mister?"
the Captain demands.
"No, SIR!" the recruit shouts.
"Why not?" barks the Captain.
"Because I'm a U.S. Marine, SIR!"
The Captain nods, and moves on down the front rank a bit.He
whacks another man across the butt."Did that hurt, Mister?"
"No, SIR!"
"Why not?"
"Because I'm a U.S. Marine, SIR!"
Satisfied,the Captain continues on down the rank.He notices that
one of the men is sporting a huge erection,and brings his stick
down sharply on the proffered target."Did that hurt, Mister?"
"No, SIR!"
"Why not?"
"Because it belongs to the fellow behind me,SIR!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-05-2004, 07:29 AM:
Rated G
Dedicated to the Patriot, the soldier, and especially to those who have spit upon the graves of MY FRIENDS who have died in this war. May God have mercy on your souls.
THE AMERICAN DREAM
Through all the fires,
Through all the pain,
The Marines stand tall,
To fight once again.
Always on call,
The Presidents own.
Always fighting,
To protect our home.
My life for our freedom,
My freedom to you,
These are gifts that we give,
For the Red White and Blue.
We die for you,
We die for them,
We do not complain,
About where or when.
For this is our job,
To fight around the world
And give the gift of our freedom
To every boy and every girl.
And yes peaceful solutions,
Can not always be found,
To free a trapped people,
From the terror around.
So we fought in this war,
With resolve in our hearts,
To help Iraq's people
Have a new and free start.
So speak of your "Peace,"
And how war is so wrong,
But shut your face when we're called
To give out the freedom we've won.
For you did not fight,
And you did not bleed.
And you did not die,
For the American dream.
May 3rd, 2003
Sergeant Aaron M. Gilbert
United States Marine Corps
Operation Iraqi Freedom
© 2003 Aaron M. Gilbert
I, Aaron M. Gilbert, authorize others to make copies and distribute these works freely, and that no money can be made from the sale or distribution of these works without the Authors expressed written consent.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-23-2004, 01:47 PM:
Rated G Michele
The following is supposedly a true story relating a situation thatactually occurred in Los Angeles.The Marines were backing-up LAPD on a call that someone had broken into a store.At the scene, the cop told the Marines to "cover" him as he approached the store (to police,"cover" means to point your weapons in the direction of the threat,to Marines it means lay down a base of fire!).
The Marines promptly laid down a base of fire. The Marines fired
178 rounds before they stopped shooting. The thief, probably a
little scared at this point, called 911 and reported, "They're
shooting at me!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 05-05-2004, 02:42 PM:
Rated G
Serving as a Marine recruiter in western North Carolina,I found a young man who met all the requirements and was ready to enlist.
I explained the importance of being truthful on the application, and he began filling out his paper work.
When he got to the question "Do you own any foreign property or have any foreign financial interests?" he looked up at me with a worried expression.
"Well," he confessed, "I do own a Toyota."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 07-29-2004, 12:39 PM:
Rated G
In Marine Corps basic training,I soon learned that everything we recruits used belonged to our drill instructor.For instance,he referred to the stuff in our footlockers as "my trash" and to the racks where we slept as "my racks."
One time when we were all whispering in the bathroom while making "head calls," our drill instructor must have overheard us.
To our surprise,he suddenly yelled, "Why do I hear voices in my head?"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-25-2005, 11:58 AM:
Rated G B.B.
Soon after being transferred to a new duty station, my Marine husband called home to tell me he would be late - again. He went on to say that dirty magazines had been discovered in the platoon's quarters and they had to police the area.
I launched into a tirade, arguing that many men had pictures hanging in their quarters at our previous post, so his new platoon should not be penalized for something trivial.
My husband calmly listened to my gripes and then explained, "Honey, Dirty Magazines means the clips from their rifles had not been properly cleaned."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-08-2005, 09:41 AM:
Rated G
A Marine as seen by...
Himself:
A handsome, buff, highly trained professional killer and female idol who carries a finely honed K-Bar, wears a crisp 8-point cammie cover and is always on time due to the absolute reliability of his Seiko digital watch.
His Wife:
A stinking,gross,foul mouthed lovable bum who arrives back at home every few months with a seabag full of dirty utilities, a huge Seiko watch,an oversized knife,a filthy hat and hornier then hell.
Headquarters Marine Corps:
A drunken, brawling,HMMWV-stealing, woman-corrupting "cumshaw artist" who wears a Seiko watch,an unauthorized K-Bar and a squared-away cover.
His Commanding Officer:
A fine specimen of a drunken, brawling,HMMWV-stealing,woman-
corrupting bullshitter with an incredibly accurate Seiko watch, a finely honed razor sharp K-Bar and a salty cammie cover.
What others have said:
Congress:
Marines are overpaid,overrated tax burdens who are indispensable
since they volunteer to go anywhere at any time and kill whoever
they're told to kill,as long as they can drink, brawl,steal HMMWVs,corrupt women and sing dirty songs while wearing cammies,oversized knives,Seiko Watches and really screwed-up 8-point covers that don't look like the Army's.
Ronald Reagan, former President of the United States:
"Some people live an entire lifetime and wonder if they've ever made a difference in the world.Marines don't have that problem."
General Douglas MacArthur, US Army:
". . . these Marines have the swagger, confidence and hardness that must have been in Stonewall Jackson's Army of th e Shenandoah. They remind me of the Coldstream Guards at Dunkirk."
Admiral Chester Nimitz,US Navy, on the Marine Corps' battle for Iwo Jima:"Uncommon valor was a common virtue"
General Douglas MacArthur, US Army:
"I have just returned from visiting the Marines at the front. There is not a finer fighting organization in the world!"
LtCol T R Fehrenbach, USA, in "This Kind of War":
"The man who will go where his colors go without asking, who will fight a phantom foe in a jungle or a mountain range,and who will suffer and die in the midst of incredible hardship, without complaint. He is the stuff of which legends are made...Today he is called United States Marine."
An Anonymous Canadian Citizen:
"Marines are about the most peculiar breed of human beings I have ever witnessed making themselves up to look like insane fanatics,worshipping their Commandant as if he was a god,and making weird animal noises like a band of savages.They'll fight like rabid dogs at the drop of a hat just for the sake of a little action and are the cockiest SOBs I've ever known.Most have the foulest mouths,but their high spirits and sense of brotherhood set them apart and,generally speaking,of the United States Marines with whom I've come in contact,are the most professional warriors and the finest men I've had the pleasure to meet."
General John J "Black Jack" Pershing, US Army:
"The deadliest weapon in the world is a Marine and his rifle!"
General Mark Clark, US Army:
"The more Marines I have around the better I like it!"
General Johnson, US Army:
"I can never again see a United States Marine without experiencing a feeling of reverence."
A Marine Drill Instructor at Parris Island:
"Did you come here just to spoil my beloved Corps, maggot?"
A boot camp weapons coach:
"To a Marine, happiness is a belt-fed weapon."
LtCol Oliver North, USMC (ret):
"The only people I like beside my wife and kids are Marines."
Eleanor Roosevelt - 1945:
"The Marines I have seen around the world have the cleanest bodies, the filthiest minds, the highest morale, and the lowest morals of any group I have ever seen.Thank God for the United States Marine Corps."
Semper Fidelis!!!
Woman Marine,
Kathy
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-11-2005, 02:09 PM:
Rated PG
THE FEW, THE PROUD, THE MARINES
(A story of Creation):
In the beginning was the word, and the word was God.In the beginning was God, and all else was darkness and void,and without form. so God created the heavens and the Earth.He created the sun, and the moon, and the stars, so that light might pierce the darkness.The Earth,God divided between the land and the sea,and filled with many assorted creatures.
And the dark, salty, slimy creatures that inhabited the murky depths of the oceans, God called sailors.And he dressed them accordingly. They had little trousers that looked like bells at the bottom.And their shirts had cute little flaps on them to hide the hickeys on their necks.He also gave them long sideburns and shabby looking beards.God nicknamed them "squids" and banished them to a lifetime at sea,so that normal folks would not have to associate with them.To further identify these unloved creatures,he called them "petty" and "commodore", instead of titles worthy of red-blooded men.
And the flaky creatures of the land, God called soldiers.And with a twinkle in his eye,and a sense of humor that only he could have,God made their trousers too short and their covers too large.He also made their pockets oversized,so that they might warm their hands.And to adorn their uniforms, God gave them badges in quantities that only a dime store owner could appreciate.And he gave them emblems and crests...and all sorts of shiny thing that glittered...and devices that dangled.(When you're God you tend to get carried away).
On the 6th day, he thought about creating some air creatures for which he designed a Greyhound bus driver's uniform, especially for Air Farce flyboys.But he discarded the idea during the first week,and it was not until years later that some apostles resurrected this theme and established what we now know as the "wild blue yonder wonders."
On the 7th day, as you know, God rested. But on the 8th day, at 0730,God looked down upon the Earth and was not happy.God was not happy! So he thought about his labors,and in his divine wisdom God created a divine creature.And he called this creature a Marine. And these Marines,whom God had created in his own image, were to be of the air, and of the land, and of the sea. And these he gave many wonderful uniforms. Some were green, some were blue with red trim. And in the early days, some were even a beautiful tan. He gave them practical fighting uniforms,so that they could wage war against the forces of Satan and evil.He gave them service uniforms for their daily work and training.And he gave them evening and dress uniforms...sharp and stylish, handsome things,so that they might promenade with their ladies on Saturday night and impress everybody!He even gave them swords,so that people who were not impressed,could be dealt with accordingly.
And at the end of the 8th day, God looked down upon the Earth and saw that it was good. But was God happy? NO! God was still not happy! Because in the course of his labors, he had forgotten one thing. He did not have a Marine uniform for himself. But he thought about it, and thought about it, and finally satisfied in knowing that, well...not everybody can be a MARINE.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-11-2005, 02:13 PM:
Rated G
Do You Have Your I.D. ?
A few years back one of the new Marines at the Barracks at Yorktown,VA was standing post at the main gate of the Naval Weapons Station.The duty policy was to check 100% of all I.D. cards including military in uniform regardless of rank.
A Navy sedan drove up to the gate with a young seaman at the wheel and a rear admiral sitting in the back. The young Marine PFC signaled for the car to stop,approached the driver,and asked to see both I.D. cards.
The admiral told the Marine that he was on his way to meet with the station C.O. and didn't have time for such nonsense....
Admiral to driver: "Go ahead."
...PFC to driver: "Don't do that."
...Admiral to driver: "You heard me, Drive on."
...PFC to Admiral as he draws his .45: "Sir, this is my first time on post.Do I shoot you or your driver?"
The admiral showed his I.D.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-11-2005, 01:15 PM:
Rated G
As a woman in the Marines, I often don't feel as feminine as when I had a civilian job in which I wore dresses and left my hair down.
One day I was feeling especially depressed about this and couldn't wait to get home and change. When I arrived, I found that my friend and her 18-month-old daughter had been waiting for me.
My friend is married to a Marine, and my worries about appearing less than feminine only increased when her little girl glanced up at me and yelled happily, "Daddy's home!" ![[Eek!]](eek.gif)
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-26-2005, 03:53 PM:
Rated R
The Korean War, in which the Marine Corps fought and won some of its most brutal battles, was not without its gallows humor. During one such conflict a ROK (Republic of Korea) commander, whose unit was fighting along with the Marines, called legendary Marine Chesty Puller to report a major Chinese attack in his sector. "How many Chinese are attacking you?" asked Puller.
"Many, many Chinese!" replied the excited Korean officer. Puller asked for another count and got the same answer "Many, many Chinese!"
"X*#dammit!" swore Puller, "Put my Marine liaison officer on the radio."
In a minute, an American voice came over the air: "Yes sir?"
"Lieutenant," growled Chesty, "exactly how many Chinese you got up there?"
"Colonel, we got a whole shitload of Chinese up here!"
"Thank God," exclaimed Puller, "At least there's someone up there who knows how to count!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-30-2005, 12:37 PM:
Rated G
Tale of Six Boys
This is a powerful message well worth reading!!!
Each year I am hired to go to Washington, DC, with the eighth grade class from Clinton, WI. where I grew up, to videotape their trip. I greatly enjoy visiting our nation's capitol, and each year I take some special memories back with me. This fall's trip was especially memorable.
On the last night of our trip, we stopped at the Iwo Jima memorial. This memorial is the largest bronze statue in the world and depicts one of the most famous photographs in history -- that of the six brave soldiers raising the American Flag at the top of a rocky hill on the island of Iwo Jima, Japan, during WW II.
Over one hundred students and chaperones piled off the buses and headed towards the memorial. I noticed a solitary figure at the
base of the statue, and as I got closer he asked,
"Where are you guys from?"
I told him that we were from Wisconsin. "Hey, I'm a cheese head, too! Come gather around, Cheese heads, and I will tell you a story."
(James Bradley just happened to be in Washington, DC, to speak at the memorial the following day. He was there that night to say good night to his dad, who has since passed away. He was just about to leave when he saw the buses pull up. I videotaped him as he spoke to us, and received his permission to share what he said from my videotape. It is one thing to tour the incredible monuments filled with history in Washington, D.C., but it is quite another to get the kind of insight we received that night).
When all had gathered around, he reverently began to speak. (Here are his words that night).
"My name is James Bradley and I'm from Antigo, Wisconsin. My dad is on that statue, and I just wrote a book called "Flags of Our Fathers" which is #5 on the New York Times Best Seller list right now. It is the story of the six boys you see behind me.
"Six boys raised the flag. The first guy putting the pole in the ground is Harlon Block. Harlon was an all-state football player. He enlisted in the Marine Corps with all the senior members of his football team. They were off to play another type of game. A game called "War." But it didn't turn out to be a game.
Harlon, at the age of 21, died with his intestines in his hands. I don't say that to gross you out, I say that because there are generals who stand in front of this statue and talk about the glory of war. You guys need to know that most of the boys in Iwo Jima were 17, 18, and 19 years old.
(He pointed to the statue) "You see this next guy? That's Rene Gagnon from New Hampshire. If you took Rene's helmet off at the moment this photo was taken and looked in the webbing of that helmet, you would find a photograph. ...a photograph of his girlfriend. Rene put that in there for protection because he was scared. He was 18 years old. Boys won the battle of Iwo Jima. Boys. Not old men.
"The next guy here, the third guy in this tableau, was Sergeant Mike Strank. Mike is my hero. He was the hero of all these guys. They called him the "old man" because he was so old. He was already 24. When Mike would motivate his boys in training camp, he didn't say, 'Let's go kill some Japanese' or 'Let's die for our country.' He knew he was talking to little boys. Instead he would say, 'You do what I say, and I'll get you home to your mothers.'
"The last guy on this side of the statue is Ira Hayes, a Pima Indian from Arizona.
Ira Hayes walked off Iwo Jima. He went into the White House with my dad. President Truman told him, 'You're a hero.' He told reporters, 'How can I feel like ahero when 250 of my buddies hit the island with me and only 27 of us walked off alive?' So you take your class at school, 250 of you spending a year together having fun, doing everything together. Then all 250 of you hit the beach, but only 27 of your classmates walk offalive.> That was Ira Hayes. He had images of horror in his mind. Ira Hayes died dead drunk, face down at the age of 32. ...ten years after this picture was taken.
"The next guy, going around the statue, is Franklin Sousley from Hilltop,
Kentucky. A fun-lovin' hillbilly boy. Franklin died on Iwo Jima at the age of 19. When the telegram came to tell his mother that he was dead, it went to the Hilltop General Store. A barefoot boy ran that telegram up to his mother's farm. The neighbors could hear her scream all night and into the morning. The neighbors lived a quarter of a mile away.
"The next guy, as we continue to go around the statue, is my dad, John Bradley from Antigo, Wisconsin, where I was raised. My dad lived until 1994, but he would never give interviews. When Walter Cronkite producers, or the New York Times would call, we were trained as little kids to say, 'No, I'm sorry, sir, my dad's not here. He is in Canada fishing. No, there is no phone there, sir. No, we don't know when he is coming back.' My dad never fished or even went to Canada. Usually, he was sitting there right at the table eating his Campbell's soup. But we had to tell the press that he was out fishing. He didn't want to talk to the press.
"You see, my dad didn't see himself as a hero. Everyone thinks these guys are heroes, 'cause they are in a photo and on a monument. My dad knew better. He was a medic. John Bradley from Wisconsin was a caregiver. In Iwo Jima he probably held over 200 boys as they died. And when boys died in Iwo Jima, they writhed and screamed in pain.
"When I was a little boy, my third grade teacher told me that my dad was a hero. When I went home and told my dad that, he looked at me and said, 'I want you always to remember that the heroes of Iwo Jima are the guys who did not come back. Did NOT come back.'
"So that's the story about six nice young boys. Three died on Iwo Jima, and three came back as national heroes. Overall, 7,000 boys died on Iwo Jima in the worst battle in the history of the Marine Corps. My voice is giving out, so I will end here. Thank you for your time."
Suddenly, the monument wasn't just a big old piece of metal with a flag sticking out of the top. It came to life before our eyes with the heartfelt words of a son who did indeed have a father who was a hero. Maybe not a hero for the reasons most people would believe, but a hero nonetheless.
We need to remember that God created this vast and glorious world for us to live in, freely, but also at great sacrifice. Let us never forget from the Revolutionary War to the Gulf War and all the wars in-between that sacrifice was made for our freedom. Remember to pray praises for this great country of ours and also pray for those still in murderous unrest around the world. STOP and THANK GOD for being alive and being free at someone else's sacrifice.
REMINDER: Everyday you wake up free, IS a great day.
Semper Fi.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 05-05-2005, 04:30 PM:
Rated G
Commandant of the Marine corps
I just received a copy of the toast supposedly made by General Louis Wilson,Congressional Medal of Honor winner and former Commandant of the Marine Corps at the Marine Corps Birthday celebration a few years ago.
I thought you all would appreciate the sentiment in it.Booty, your son the former Marine,would understand this and perhaps could use it in one of his sermons on "Love". Semper Fidelis!
TO LOVE:
"THE WONDERFUL LOVE OF A BEAUTIFUL MAID,
THE LOVE OF A STAUNCH, TRUE MAN,
THE LOVE OF A BABY, UNAFRAID,
HAVE EXISTED SINCE TIME BEGAN.
BUT THE GREATEST OF LOVES,
THE QUINTESSENCE OF LOVES,
EVEN GREATER THAN THAT OF A MOTHER,
IS THE TENDER, PASSIONATE, INFINITE LOVE, OF ONE DRUNKEN MARINE FOR ANOTHER."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-03-2005, 07:18 PM:
Rated G
Marines are always taught
1) Keep your priorities in order and
2) Know when to act without hesitation.
A US MARINE was attending some college courses between assignments. He had completed missions in Iraq and Afghanistan.
One of the courses had a professor who was an avowed atheist and a member of the ACLU. One day he shocked the class when he came in, looked to the ceiling, and flatly stated, "God, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you exactly 15 minutes."
The lecture room fell silent. You could hear a pin drop.
Ten minutes went by and the professor proclaimed, "Here I am God. I'm still waiting."
It got down to the last couple of minutes when the MARINE got out of his chair, went up to the professor, and cold-cocked him; knocking him off the platform. The professor was out cold. The MARINE went back to his seat and sat there, silently.
The other students were shocked and stunned and sat there looking on in silence.
The professor eventually came to, noticeably shaken, looked at the MARINE and asked, "What the hell is the matter with you? Why did you do that?"
The MARINE calmly replied, "God was too busy today protecting America's soldiers who are protecting your right to say stupid shit and act like an asshole. So He sent me."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-15-2005, 08:27 AM:
Rated G
This is a tribute and a great THANK YOU to all the Military Services in The United States.
http://www.managedmusic.com/beforeyougo.html
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-04-2006, 04:18 PM:
Rated G Michael
The Korean War, in which the Marine Corps fought and won some of its most brutal battles, was not without its gallows humor. During one such conflict a ROK (Republic of Korea) commander, whose unit was fighting along with the Marines, called legendary Marine Chesty Puller to report a major Chinese attack in his sector. "How many Chinese are attacking you?" asked Puller.
"Many, many Chinese!" replied the excited Korean officer. Puller asked for another count and got the same answer "Many, many Chinese!"
"X*#dammit!" swore Puller, "Put my Marine liaison officer on the radio."
In a minute, an American voice came over the air: "Yes sir?"
"Lieutenant," growled Chesty, "exactly how many Chinese you got up there?"
"Colonel, we got a whole shitload of Chinese up here!"
"Thank God," exclaimed Puller, "At least there's someone up there who knows how to count!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-02-2006, 03:39 PM:
Rated G Roger B. Newport RI
http://www.wtv-zone.com/Mary/THISWILLMAKEYOUPROUD.HTML
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 08-03-2006, 05:07 PM:
Rated X
The Commandant of the Marine Corps was General Al Gray,a crusty old "Field Marine." He loved his Marines and often slipped into the mess hall wearing a faded old field jacket without any rank insignia on it. He would go through the chow line just like a private. (In this way,assured of being given the same rations that the lowest enlisted man received. And, woe be it to the mess officer if the food was found to be "unfit in quality or quantity.)
Upon becoming Commandant,General Gray was expected to do a great deal of"formal entertaining," fancy dinner parties in full dress blue uniform. Now, the general would rather have been in the field eating cold "C-rats" around a fighting hole with a bunch of young "hard charging" Marines.But the General knew his duty, and as a Marine he was determined to do it to the best of his ability.
During these formal parties a detachment of highly polished Marines from "Eighth and Eye" (Marine Barracks located at 8th and I Streets in Washington, D.C.,home of the Silent Drill Team) were detailed to assume the position of "parade rest" at various intervals around the ballroom where the festivities were being held.
At some point during one of these affairs,a very refined, big-chested,blue-haired lady picked up a tray of pastry and went around the room offering confections to the guests. When she noticed these Marines in dress blues,standing like sculptures all around the room, she was moved with admiration.
She knew that several of these men were fresh from our victory in Desert Storm.She made a beeline for the closest Lance Corporal,drew near him and asked,"Would you like pastry young man?"
The young Marine snapped to "attention" and replied,"I don't eat that shit, Ma'am." Just as quickly,he resumed the position of "parade rest." His gaze remained fixed on some distant point throughout the exchange.
The fancy lady was completely taken aback! She blinked, her eyes widened,her mouth dropped open.So startled was she that she immediately began to doubt what she had heard. In a quivering voice she asked,"W-W-What did you say?"
The Marine snapped back to the position of "attention" (like the arm of a mousetrap smacking it's wooden base).Then he said,"I don't eat that shit, Ma'am." And just as smartly as before,back to the position of "parade rest" he went.
This time,there was no doubt.The fancy lady immediately became incensed,and felt insulted.After all,here she was an important lady,taking the time to offer something nice to this enlisted man (well below her station in life), and he had the nerve to say THAT to HER! She exclaimed,"Well! I never...!" The lady remembered that she had met "that military man in charge of all these 'soldiers' earlier. She spotted General Gray from across the room. He had a cigar clenched between his teeth and a camouflaged canteen cup full of bourbon in his left hand. He was talking to a group of 1st and 2nd Lieutenants. So blue haired lady went straight over to the Commandant and interrupted."General, I offered some pastry to that young man over there.And, do you know what he told me?"
General Gray cocked his eyebrow, took the cigar out of his mouth and said,"Well, no Ma'am, I don't."
The lady took in a deep breath,confident that she was adequately expressing with her body language her considerable rage and indignation.As she wagged her head in cadence with her words,and she paused between each word for effect,"He said,'I - don't- eat - that - shit - Ma'am!'"
The lieutenants were in a state of near apoplexy A couple of them choked back chuckles,and turned their heads to avoid having their smirks detected.The next thought that most of them had was,"God, I hope it wasn't one of MY Marines!" and the color left their faces.
General Gray wrinkled his brow, cut his eyes in the direction of the lieutenants,put his free hand to his chin and muttered a subdued,"Hummm.Which one did you say it was Ma'am?,"the General asked."That tall sturdy one right over there near the window, General," the woman said with smug satisfaction.
One of the lieutenants began to look sick and put a hand on the wall for support.
General Gray,seemed deep in thought, hand still to his chin, wrinkled brow.Suddenly, he looked up and his __expression changed to one indicating he had made a decision. He looked the fancy lady right in the eyes and said, "Well, fuck him! Don't give him any."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 09-15-2006, 02:13 PM:
Rated PG
After numerous rounds of "We don't know if Osama is still alive," Osama himself decided to send Ted Kennedy a note in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game.
Kennedy opened the note, which appeared to contain a single line of coded message: 370HSSV-0773H.
Kennedy was baffled,so he E-mailed it to John Kerry.Kerry and his aides had no clue either,so they sent it to the FBI.No one could solve it at the FBI,so it went to the CIA, then to the NSA.
With no clue as to its meaning,the FBI finally asked Marine Corps Intelligence for help.
Within a few seconds,the Marines called back with this reply:"Tell Kennedy he is holding the message upside down".
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-07-2007, 02:29 PM:
Rated R Denny in Yonkers
ONCE A MARINE ALWAYS A MARINE
On their 50th anniversary, a wife found the negligee she wore on her wedding night and put it on.She went to her husband, a retired Marine pilot, and said:"Honey, do you remember this?"
He looked up from his newspaper and said: "Yes dear, I do. You wore that same negligee the night we were married"
She said, "Yes, that's right. Do you remember what you said to me that night?"
He nodded and said, "Yes dear, I said; 'Oh baby, I'm going to suck the life out of those boobs and screw your brains out."
She giggled and said; "That's exactly what you said. So now it's fifty years later, and I'm in the same negligee. What do you have to say tonight?"
He looked her up and down and replied, " Mission accomplished."
I guess we all know where he spent that night?
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 05-30-2007, 01:20 PM:
Rated G Ed in Middletown, NY
THE FINAL INSPECTION
The Marine stood and faced God,
Which must always come to pass.
He hoped his shoes were shining,
Just as brightly as his brass.
"Step forward now, Marine,
How shall I deal with you?
Have you always turned the other cheek?
To My Church have you been true?"
The soldier squared his shoulders and said,
"No, Lord, I guess I ain't.
Because those of us who carry guns,
Can't always be a saint.
I've had to work most Sundays,
And at times my talk was tough.
And sometimes I've been violent,
Because the world is awfully rough.
But, I never took a penny,
That wasn't mine to keep...
Though I worked a lot of overtime,
When the bills got just too steep.
And I never passed a cry for help,
Though at times I shook with fear.
And sometimes, God, forgive me,
I've wept unmanly tears.
I know I don't deserve a place,
Among the people here.
They never wanted me around,
Except to calm their fears
If you've a place for me here, Lord,
It needn't be so grand.
I never expected or had too much,
But if you don't, I'll understand.
There was a silence all around the throne,
Where the saints had often trod.
As the Marine waited quietly,
For the judgment of his God.
"Step forward now, you Marine,
You've borne your burdens well.
Walk peacefully on Heaven's streets,
You've done your time in Hell."
~Author Unknown~
It's the Soldier, not the reporter Who has given us the freedom of the press.
It's the Soldier, not the poet, Who has given us the freedom of speech.
It's the Soldier, not the politicians That ensures our right to Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness.
It's the Soldier who salutes the flag, Who serves beneath the flag, And whose coffin is draped by the flag.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-17-2007, 02:06 PM:
Rated G
A Christmas Marine
T'was the night before Christmas, he lived all alone
In a one-bedroom house made of plaster and stone.
I had come down the chimney with presents to give
And to see whom in this house did live.
As I looked all around a strange sight I did see,
No tinsel, no presents, not even a tree.
No stockings by the fire, just boots full of sand.
On the wall hung pictures of a far-away land.
With medals and badges, awards of all kinds,
A sobering thought soon came to my mind.
For this house was different, unlike any I'd seen.
This was the house of a U.S. Marine.
I'd heard stories about them, so I had to see more.
I walked down the hallway and pushed open the door.
And there he lay sleeping. Silent. Alone.
Curled up on the floor of his one-bedroom home.
He seemed so gentle, his face so serene.
Not how I pictured a U.S. Marine.
Was this the hero of whom I'd just read?
Curled up on his poncho, a floor for his bed?
His head was clean shaven, his face weathered tan.
I soon understood this was more than a man.
For I realized families that I had just seen that night
Owed their lives to these men, so willing to fight.
Soon around the nation the children would play
And grown-ups would celebrate a bright Christmas Day.
They enjoyed freedom each day and all year
Because of Marines like the one lying here.
I couldn't help but wonder how many lay alone
On a cold Christmas Eve in a land far from home.
Just the very thought brought a tear to my eye.
I dropped to my knees and I started to cry.
He must have awakened for I heard a rough voice.
"Santa, Don't cry. This is my choice.
I fight for freedom. I don't ask for more.
My life is my God, my Country, my Corps."
With that he rolled over, drifted off into sleep.
I couldn't control it, I continued to weep.
I watched him for hours. So silent. So still.
I noticed he shivered from the cold night's chill.
So I took off my jacket, the one made of red,
To cover this Marine from his toes to his head.
Then I put on his tee-shirt of scarlet and gold,
With an eagle, globe and anchor emblazoned so bold.
Although it barely fit me, I began to swell with pride.
For one shining moment, I was the Marine Corps deep inside.
I didn't want to leave him, so quiet in the night,
This guardian of honor, so willing to fight.
But, half asleep, he rolled over, and in a voice clean and pure,
Said, "Carry on, Santa, it's Christmas Day - All Secure."
One look at my watch and I knew he was right.
Merry Christmas, my friend. Semper Fi - and good night!
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-12-2008, 10:44 AM:
Rated G Jokester
Ten Recruits had just arrived at the training camp and were lined up for inspection.
"Hey Johnson!" yelled the drill instructor, “those are the ugliest shoes I've ever seen!"
"Yes, sir" the young man answered.
"Those shoes are really really ugly, right?" hollered the D.I again.
"Yes, sir"
"And that hair - don’t they have barbershops where you came from?"
"Yes, sir", answered the recruit.
"So why didn’t you get a haircut?"
"I was saving up for shoes, sir"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-12-2008, 10:46 AM:
Rated G Jokester
The Haircut
A Marine enters a barber shop for a haircut and a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, the Marine mentions that he always has problems getting a close shave around the cheeks, that it looks sloppy and distracts from his appearance.
"I have just the thing", says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just get a wooden ball like this and place it between your cheek and gum". "Here, let me show you how well it works".
The Marine places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds to give him the closest shave the Marine has ever experienced. After a few more strokes the Marine starts thinking about the ball in his mouth. So he asks in garbled speech.
"And what if I swallow it?
"No problem", says the barber, "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-12-2008, 10:50 AM:
Rated G
Drill Sergeant
A drill sergeant had just chewed out one of his cadets, and as he was walking away, he turned to the cadet and said, "I guess when I die you'll come and dance on my grave."
The cadet replied, "Not me, Sarge...no sir! I promised myself that when I got out of the Army I'd never stand in another line!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-12-2008, 11:00 AM:
Rated G Jokester
The Old Man
As I came out of the supermarket that sunny day, pushing my cart of groceries towards my car, I saw an old man with the hood of his car up and a lady sitting inside the car, with the door open.
The old man was looking at the engine. I put my groceries away in my car and continued to watch the old gentleman from about twenty five feet away.
I saw a young man in his early twenties with a grocery bag in his arm, walking towards the old man. The old gentleman saw him coming too and took a few steps towards him. I saw the old gentleman point to his open hood and say something.
The young man put his grocery bag into what looked like a brand new Cadillac Escalade and then turn back to the old man and I heard him yell at the old gentleman saying, "You shouldn't even be allowed to drive a car at your age." And then with a wave of his hand, he got in his car and peeled rubber out of the parking lot.
I saw the old gentleman pull out his handkerchief and mop his brow as he went back to his car and again looked at the engine. He then went to his wife and spoke with her and appeared to tell her it would be okay.
I had seen enough and I approached the old man. He saw me coming and stood straight and as I got near him, I said, "Looks like you're having a problem."
He smiled sheepishly and quietly nodded his head. I looked under the hood myself and knew that whatever the problem was, it was beyond me.
Looking around I saw a gas station up the road and told the old man that I would be right back. I drove to the station and went inside and saw three attendants working on cars. I approached one of them and related the problem the old man had with his car and offered to pay them if they could follow me back down and help him.
The old man had pushed the heavy car under the shade of a tree and appeared to be comforting his wife. When he saw us he straightened up and thanked me for my help. As the mechanics diagnosed the problem (overheated engine) I spoke with the old gentleman.
When I shook hands with him earlier he had noticed my Marine Corps ring and had commented about it, telling me that he had been a Marine too. I nodded and asked the usual question, "What outfit did you serve with?"
He had mentioned that he served with the first Marine Division at Tarawa, Saipan, Iwo Jima and Guadalcanal. He had hit all the big ones and retired from the Corps after the war was over.
As we talked we heard the car engine come on and saw the mechanics lower the hood. They came over to us as the old man reached for his wallet, but was stopped by me and I told him I would just put the bill on my AAA card.
He still reached for the wallet and handed me a card that I assumed had his name and address on it and I stuck it in my pocket. We all shook hands all around again and I said my goodbye's to his wife.
I then told the two mechanics that I would follow them back up to the station. Once at the station I told them that they had interrupted their own jobs to come along with me and help the old man. I said I wanted to pay for the help, but they refused to charge me.
One of them pulled out a card from his pocket looking exactly like the card the old man had given to me. Both of the men told me then, that they were Marine Corps Reserves. Once again we shook hands all around and as I was leaving, one of them told me I should look at the card the old man had given to me. I said I would and drove off.
For some reason I had gone about two blocks when I pulled over and took the card out of my pocket and looked at it for a long, long, time. The name of the old gentleman was on the card in golden leaf and under his name... 'Congressional Medal of Honor Society.'
I sat there motionless looking at the card and reading it over and over. I looked up from the card and smiled to no one but myself and marveled that on this day, four Marines had all come together, because one of us needed help. He was an old man all right, but it felt good to have stood next to greatness and courage and an honor to have been in his presence.
* The Medal of Honor is the highest award for valor in action against an enemy force which can be bestowed upon an individual serving in the Armed Services of the United States. Generally presented to its recipient by the President of the United States of America in the name of Congress, it is often called the Congressional Medal of Honor.
A heart-felt thanks to all vets who have served our country. God bless us all. --Ralph Semper fi! (Bob)
[ 11-12-2008, 05:33 PM: Message edited by: Bob Maar ]