The second man says "Oh yeah, well my sons a carpenter and he's so successful that in the past year he's been able to build a new house for a good friend."

The last man says "That's nothing, my son's such a successful stock broker that in the last year he's been able to give a good friend a large stock portfolio."

A fourth man walks up and they tell him that they were just talking about how successful their son's were. The fourth man says "I've just recently found out that my son is gay, but he must be pretty good at it because in the last year he's gotten
two new cars, a new house, and a large stock portfolio."

Three Gay Men's Ashes

Three gay men died and went to heaven. At the pearly gate St.Peter said, "You have all three requested to be cremated. What would you like done with your ashes?"

The first man said, "My boyfriend liked to skydive so I want mine dumped out a plane."

The second man said, "My boyfriend liked to scubadive so I want mine dumped off a boat."

The third man said, "My boyfriend liked to have sex so I want mine dumped in a bowl of chili so I can tear his butt up one last time."
 

Three men are about to go into heaven, a robber, a pickpocket,and a gay man.

God says to them, "To enter heaven you must overcome your greatest temptations..."

God turned to the robber and said, "go back down to earth and don't steal anything for an entire day."

The robber agreed. God turned to the pickpocket and said, "go back down to earth and don't pickpocket anything for an entire day."

The pickpocket agreed.

God finnally said to the gay man, "go back down to earth and restrain from having sex with any man for an entire day."

The gay man agreed.

All three were back on earth, where they found themselves in a mall.

Then the robber saw a brand new stereo system in the window of an electronics store. He couldn't stand it and just as he grabbed the handle of the stereo, WHOOOOSH...he vanished into thin air and was sent to hell.

Then the pickpocket saw a woman drop her bag, and just as he was bending down to swipe some money, WHOOOOOSH, the gay man vanished.   
 

A guy applied to join a nudist club. "Exactly what do you do here?" he asked.

"It's quite simple," said the club secretary, "We take off all our clothes and commune with nature."

"Cool," said the guy, "...count me in!!!"

So he paid his membership fee, took off his gear and strolled off.

As he walked along a path, he saw a big sign which read, "Beware of Gays."

A little further along he saw another sign which read the same thing "Beware of Gays."
He continued walking until he came to a small clearing which had a bronze plaque set in the ground.

He bent over to read the plaque and it said,

"Sorry,... You've had two warnings!"
 

A man was out of town on business.

While sitting around his hotel he became bored. So he thought to himself, “Hm, a beer would be really nice right now.”

So he began to wander the streets of this unfamiliar city, looking for a bar. And, after a few minutes he came across one. He casually went inside and took a seat at the bar.

The bartender walks up and asks the man what he is drinking. Anxiously, the man says “Bud Light please.” The bartender then asked what the name of his penis was. The man looked at him with confusion and said, “What are you talking about? All I want is a Bud Light and, besides, I have no name for my penis.” The bartender, calming the man, said, “Look around, all you see is men. That is because this is a gay bar. And the tradition is, when you order a drink, you state the name of your penis. Then I’ll serve you a drink.” The man, really thirsty for a beer, now says, “Fine. Give me couple of minutes to think, and I'll order when I come up with something.”
So he is thinking about it for a couple of minutes and still can’t come up with anything.

So he decides to ask the guy next to him for an idea. The man states, in a feminine voice, “Well I call mine Timex, because it takes a lickin’ and keeps on tickin.”

The man quickly turns away and asks another man to his right. That man states in a deep, gruff voice,

“I call my Ford, because it is built Ford tough. Have you driven a Ford lately?” Again, the man quickly turns away.

Then, suddenly he says, “Bartender, come here, I am ready to order.” The bartender says, “What‘ll ya have?” The man says “A Bud Light please.” The bartender asks, “What is the name of your penis?”

The man responds, “Secret... strong enough for a man but made for a woman.”
 

So this guy goes into a bar and notices two very attractive women sitting at a table. This guy, he tells his friend the bartender to send these two broads a round. Well, the bartender tells the guy not to bother because the two broads are dykes. Nonetheless, the guy insists and goes over to the women to socialize, and see if he can get "lucky". He asks the first dyke why she is gay. She responds that she loves tits, any kind, color, shape or form! He then asks the second dyke why she is gay. Her response is the same, except she loves pussy. So the guy finishes his socializing, and no, he did not get "lucky". So he goes back to his friend the bartender, who is very anxious to find out the "scoup". This guy tells the bartender that he had been edumacated--that he learned that he was a lesbian also!

A man walks into a bar one day and says to the bartender, "Give me a double shot of Jack Daniels".

The man takes the shot and gulps it down, then he puts his head down on the bar. The man sits like this for the longest time.

Finally, the bartender goes over to the man and says, mister, I noticed that ever since you did the double shot of Jack that you have been sitting here with your head down. Is there something that I can help you with?

The man looks up and says, no, nothing you can help me with. Bartender replies and says, I have been a bartender for a long time and have heard lots of stories, maybe I can help.

Man looks at the bartender & says, I got some bad news today. I found out that my brother was queer.

Bartender says, man that's tough, I don't really know what to say that can help you. The man gets up and leaves the bar.

Next day:

Same man comes into the bar and does the same thing, orders a double shot of Jack Daniels and puts his head down on the bar.

Bartender says, man I noticed that you are in the same position that you were yesterday.

Man looks at bartender and says, got some more bad news today. Bartenders says it can't be any worse than yesterday. Man says, yea, found out today that my other brother is queer.

Bartender looks at the man and says, can I ask you a question? Man says sure. Well, is there anyone in your family that likes pussy?

Man says yea my sister.

A homosexual man went to the doctor for his regular yearly examination.

The doctor placed his stethoscope on his left chest and asked him to say "70".

The gay man says "70"

The doctor places the scope on this right chest and says "say 70".

Again the gay man says "70".

The doctor then places the scope on this back and says "say 70".

The gay man says again "70".

The doctor then says "everything sounds good but one last thing to do. You need a rectal examination."

The gay man excitedly takes off his pants and bends over.

The doctor then places 2 fingers in his rectum and asks the man to say 70.

THe gay man then replys....1,2,3......
 

Modern Version of Old Joke

A traveling salesman's car breaks down, and he walks over to a near by farm. He knocks on the door and the farmer appears.

"Excuse me sir, but my car broke down about a mile down the road, and I was wondering if you had a place I could stay, just until morning, and I....."

The farmer says, "Well, I can let you sleep in the barn, but you'll have to sleep with my two sons...."

The salesman says, "Sons! I must be in the wrong joke!"
 

Did you hear about the gay spiders that kept looking at each other's fly?

 

There was this couple and they had a little boy, and all the little boy could talk about is how he wanted a baby brother

So one night the couple was putting their little boy down for bed. A hour laterwhen they thought the little boy was sleep, they started to make deep pasionate love as they were both in the middle of climaxing, the little boy bursted into the room.

He said " DADDY,DADDY,what are you doing to mommy?"

The man looked at his son and said " son you know the little brother you are always asking for, daddy is putting your little brother inside of your mommy and nine months from now he will be here."

So the little boy went back to bed happy as lamb.

So the next day the man came home from work and saw his son crying.

The man went up to the little boy and asked what was the matter.

The little boy looked at his father and said,"you know the brother that you and mommy was making the other night?"

His father looked at him and said,"yeah."

The little boy said"today when you was at work our next door nieghbor Mrs. Debbie came and ate my little brother from out of mommy!!!"

Three salesman are all on a buisness trip, and are sharing the same car. But unfortunately, the car breaks down. The men call a towing service, and decide to spend the night at the closest motel. However they are unfortunate again, and find out there is only one room, and one bed. The three are happily married, and
decided there is no wrong in sharing a bed with a guy.

The next morning the men all wake up, the guy on the right side says, "Woah! I had the weirdest dream; someone was jerking me off allnight long!" The man on the left is shocked, and responds, "What a coincidence, so did I!" Then the man in the
middle sits up, "Weird... I had a dream I was skiing..."
 

A-1 construction company is putting up a skyscraper in downtown New York.

It's Hard-hat Joey first day working on the fifty-third floor.

At about 11:30, after a morning of riveting, he starts to feel nature calling.

He finds his foreman and asks "Hey boss jew think I can go down and take a piss real quick"

"Hey Joey, ya know I can't do dat" his boss replies, "It'll take ya 10 minutes to get down, and another ten to get back up. That's 20 minutes I just can't spare. Ya know we gotta get this job done by next week"

"I tell ya what" says the foreman, "I'll stick this here plank out da window, you go out dere and uh do what ya gotta do"

Joey inches his way out on to the plank, unzips his pants and starts to piss.

Meanwhile the phone rings inside. the foreman, forgetting he was holding the plank for Joey and not wanting to miss the call runs over to answer it.

Needless to say Joey falls and dies.

The next week there is an inquiry into Joey's death and the foreman gets brought up on charges of murder.

The prosecution has one witness that was on the 25th floor.

When asked to give his view of what happened, the witness looks around, leans forward and says "you know what I think?

I think it had to do with sex. Maybe they were quarreling lovers"

The foreman incensed, stands up and yells what the hell kinda crap is that?"

"Well," says the witness, "when the deceased passed the 25th floor he was holding his dick and screaming 'where'd that cocksucker go?!'"
 

Q: How do they separate the men from the boys in Key West, Fl. ?

A: With a crowbar
 

Two gay guys are walking past a funeral home and one says to the other, ''Do you want to go inside and down a couple cold ones?''
 

Two gay guys are in a bathroom using the urinals.

The one guy looks at the other guy's penis and notices there's a Nicoderm patch on it.

He turns to the guy and says, "I believe you're supposed to put that patch on your arm or shoulder, not your penis."

The other guy replies, "It's working just fine. I'm down to 2 butts a day."
 

How do you know when you have gone into a REAL lesbian bar?

-- Not even the pool tables have balls !
 

How to Insult a Mexican

A BIG Mexican in a pub was walking back to his table with three handles of beer in each hand when this little wimpy guy stopped him and said, "I would really love to give you a blow job."

The Mexican looked at him for a bit, walked back to his table, put the handles down, and then went back and beat the living daylights out of the guy.

When he went back to his table, his friend said, "Jeez Paco, why you do that?"

Paco said, "The leetle bastard said somet'ing about a job!"
 

Q: What kind of license do lesbians need?

A: A licker license.
 

There was a guy, who was the most buff guy, and his girlfriend were at a bar and she just dumped him. So she left the bar leaving him upset and alone.

About ten minutes later when he was sipping his beer, a gay guy came up and sat next to him and said, ''Hey guy, how's it hangin'?''

The buff guy looked up at him and yelled, ''GET THE HELL AWAY FROM ME! MY GIRLFRIEND JUST LEFT ME AND I DON'T NEED SOME HOMOSEXUAL SCREWIN' AROUND WITH MY MIND!!!''

The gay man looked suprised and said, ''Hey I was just wondering if you wanted to play tabletop football?''

The buff guy answered with another question, '' How do you play that?''

The gay guy replied, '' It's rather simple, we each get slid a beer, one at a time we chug it, and if you belch you get a point, and if you fart, you get the extra point. Ready...'' He then said to the bartender, ''Slide me one!''

The gay guy started chugging the beer and then belched, then started trying to fart as hard as he could and he clenched his teeth when finally a little weenie fart popped out. '' Extra point!!''

The buff guy just stared at him and said, ''Slide me a beer!''

The bartender slid him one and he chugged it. He then belched a huge belch, then he started trying to fart, when the gay guy ran up to him pulled his pants down, whipped out his dick and shoved it up the buff guy's ass and yelled,

''BLOCK THAT KICK!! BLOCK THAT KICK!!'''
 

Did you hear about the new shoe Nike are making for lesbians.

The tongue is twice as long and it will only need one finger to get it off.
 

Did you hear about the gay spiders that kept looking at each other's fly?
 

Q: What kind of license do lesbians need?

A: A licker license.
 

What do you call a open can of tuna fish in a Lesbian's apartment ???

"POTPOURRI" !!
 

Fearful of AIDS and fed up with the gay life-style, a homosexual went to a psychiatrist for treatment.

The psychiatrist said his problems were so deep rooted, it would require extensive analysis and many months of treatment before he would be cured.

After almost two years of treatment the psychiatrist said, "You've made remarkable progress. As a matter of fact it's my opinion that you are now ready to take your rightful place as a typical member of society."

"Oh, doctor," cried the patient, " your good news has made me so happy I could kiss you!"

"No, no," said the psychiatrist, "don't do that... in fact, I really shouldn't be laying here on the couch with you."

Short Quips:

Did you hear about that big fire at the local gay & lesbian home early this morning? The gays got out first, because they had their shit packed the night before.

What did the gay man say in the Chinese restaurant?
"May I please have the cream of sum yung gai?"

Q. What is another word for lesbian? A. Vagi-terian

A cowboy bursts into a bar and says to the bartender, ''I am so thirsty I could lick the sweat off a bull's nuts.''

A gay man in the corner of the bar suddenly yells out ''Mooooooooo!''

Q. What's the difference between Elton John and Tarzan?
A.Tarzan has a dick.
 

Two gay men decide to have a baby.

They mix their sperm and have a surrogate mother artificially inseminated.

When the baby is born, they rush to the hospital.

Two dozen babies are in the ward, 23 of which are crying and screaming. One, over in the corner, is smiling serenely.

A nurse comes by, and to the men's delight, she points out the happy child as theirs.

''Isn't it wonderful?'' Joe exclaims. ''All these unhappy children, and ours is so happy.''

''He's happy now," says the nurse.

"But just wait until we take the pacifier out of his ass.''
 

Ken and Bruce were very bored and very gay.

Suddenly Bruce got a bright idea: "Ken, count to 100 and I'll go hide.

If you can find me, I'll give you the best blow job you've ever had!"

Ken asked, "But what if I can't find you?"

Bruce replied, "I'll be behind the couch, silly!"
 

Two gay guys are playing golf and a ball comes flying over the hill.

Dirk says to Bruce, "The next time a ball comes over the hill, lie down and pretend that it hit you. Then we can sue!"

When another ball comes over the hill, Bruce drops to the ground and contorts his body.

Dirk approaches the golfer and says, "He's very badly hurt. You can expect a lawsuit!"

"Suck my dick," the golfer replies.

"Wake up!" Dirk excitedly says to Bruce. "He's going to settle out of court!"
 

A gay man, finally deciding he could no longer hide his sexuality from his parents, went over to their house, and found his mother in the kitchen cooking dinner. He sat down at the kitchen table, let out a big sigh, and said, "Mom, I have something to tell you: I'm gay."

His mother made no reply or gave any response, and the guy was about to repeat it to make sure she'd heard him, when she turned away from the pot she was stirring and said calmly, "You're gay-doesn't that mean you put other men's penises in your mouth?"

The guy said nervously, "Uh, yeah, Mom, that's right." His mother went back to stirring the pot, then suddenly whirled around, whacked him over the head with her spoon and said, "Don't you EVER complain about my cooking again!!!!!
 

How can you tell if two lesbians are twins?

...They lick alike
 

A horny man is walking through a park, and notices a wino passed out on a park bench. Temptation overcomes him, and he decides to 'have his way' with the wino. After he finishes, he feels a little guilty, and decides to slip a $5.00 bill into the pocket of the wino's pants.

The next morning, the wino wakes up and finds the money in his pocket. He immediately goes to the nearest liquor store and tells the clerk, "Give me $5.00 worth of the cheapest wine you've got!" The clerk returns with a gallon jug of wine, the wino pays for it and leaves. He then spends the rest of the day back at his bench drinking.

That night after the wino passed out, the horny man walked by again, and repeated the cycle from the night before. The next morning, the wino found the money in his pocket again, and again went to the same liquor store and bought another gallon jug of cheap wine, then spent the rest of the day drinking on his bench.

This whole process continued nightly for over a week. One night, after finishing his business with the wino, the man felt especially guilty about his behavior, and slipped a $20.00 bill into the wino's pocket.

The next morning, after finding the money, the wino proceeds to his favorite liquor store and requests $20.00 of their finest wine.

The clerk obliged and said, "Don't you usually come in here and get $5.00 of our cheapest wine?"

To which the wino replied "Yeah, but I gotta quit drinking that cheap stuff. It makes my ass hurt!"
 

Have you heard about the new cereal called queereeoo's?

You pour milk on them and they eat each other.
 

Two gay guys are standing looking out at the river, watching the boats go by.

"Say, Larry," says Pete,"what kind of boat is that one, the one with all the cars on it?"

"You silly," answers Larry. "That's a ferry boat."

"Wow," says Pete. "I knew we were popular, but I didn't know we had our own Navy!"
 

An evangelist was delivering a flaming sermon on vice that shook the rafters of the mission.

"Listen to me, all you cigarette suckers," he thundered, "all you pipe suckers, all you bottle suckers -"

Just then a high squeaky voice interjected from the back row, "Don't forget us!"
 

Two gay men were in a public restroom using the urinals.

One glanced at the other's "member" and saw a stop-smoking patch on it.

"Hey, does that patch really work?"

"Sure does. I've only had two butts this week"
 

A sweet young man walked into an army recruiting office. After answering numerous questions, he was finally asked if he was a homosexual. The guy readily admitted that he was.

"Gay, huh?" the brawny recruiter growled. "Do you think you could kill a man?"

"My, yes," the man giggled, "but it would take days and days."
 

A gay man hitchhiking from Florida to California, stops in a Texas bar to grab a quick refresher. He quietly asks the bartender for a cold beer.

"Sorry buddy, we don't serve your type here. Move it on!" yells the bartender.

The gay man begs and pleads with the bartender. "Please, sir! I've been traveling for a long time and just need to wet my whistle and I'll be on my way."

The bartender finally gives in. "OK, but you take your beer and sit in that corner over there and leave the other patrons alone!"

Shortly after, one of the biggest, burliest, Texans walks into the bar. "BARTENDER! Give me a cold beer! I'm so thirsty, I could lick the sweat off a brahma bull's ballS!!!"

Faintly, but clearly, from the corner is heard "Moo! Moo! Buckaroo!"
 

As he drove along the highway, a guy kept seeing billboards with beautiful, tanned people and the words: Visit the Garden of Hedon. His curiosity got the best of
him and he turned off the road at the entrance to the place a few miles down the road. He went inside a building marked "Registration" and saw an attractive woman sitting at a desk.

"Exactly what do you do here?" he asked.

"It's quite simple," said the receptionist. "This is anudist camp. We take off all our clothes and commune with nature."

"Cool," said the guy, "count me in!" So he paid his membership fee, took off his gear and strolled off. As he walked along a path, he saw a big sign which read, "Beware of Gays." A little further along he saw another sign which read the same thing: "Beware of Gays."

He continued walking until he came to a small clearing which had a bronze plaque set in the ground. He bent over to read the plaque and it said, "Sorry, you've had
two warnings!"
 

Two gay men are beach walking, holding hands when a beautiful woman passes them.

She's 5'10", 120 lbs, 38-24-36, with a string bikini on and no tan lines!!!

The first gay man turns to his friend, sighs audibly, and in a breathless whisper says, "It's women like her that sometimes make me wish I was a LESBIAN!!"
 

Three gay men died and were going to be cremated. Their lovers happened tobe at the funeral home at the same time, and were discussing what they planned to do with the ashes.

The first man said, "My Donny loved to fly, so I'm going up in a plane and scatter his ashes in the sky."

The second man said, "My Vinny was a good fisherman, so I'm going to scatterhis ashes in our favorite lake."

The third man said, "My Ronald was such a good lover, I think I'm going to dump his ashes in a pot of chili, so he can tear my ass up just one more time."
 

Two Teamsters are working on a dock unloading some cargo.

"Hey," says the first one, "you hear there's a homo working here now?"

"No," says the other guy, "do you know who the fuck he is?"

"Oh I can't tell you that"

"Aw, c'mon!"

"Okay, but you have to kiss me first."
 

A whole bunch of drunks were talking about whose penis was the biggest. They started arguing and got in a big fight. Then the bartender yelled, "Hold on, I'll settle this."

He told them to lay their pricks on the bar and he would measure to see whose was the biggest.

A gay guy walked in and the bartender asked what he wanted.

The guy replied, "I'll take the buffet!"
 

There are four gay guys in a hot tub.

A condom floats up in the middle.

What do they say?

"Who farted?"

 

A blond man is sitting at a bar having a few drinks when he notices a very attractive lady sit down at the other end of the bar and order a drink. The blonde guy calls the bartender over and says "whatever she's drinking, give her another one and tell her it's on me."

The bartender replies "I don't think you want to do that."

"What do you mean?" yells the blonde guy, "Send her the drink!"

"O.K." the bartender replies, "but I don't think it is a good idea."

"And why not?" asks the blonde guy.

The bartender leans over the bar and very softly says "because she's a lesbian."

"I don't care, send her the drink." says the blonde guy.

So after the lady gets her drink the blonde guy very casually strolls down to the other end of the bar and sits down next to her and says, "So, what part of Lesbia are you from?"

The mother of a 17-year-old was concerned that her daughter was having sex. Worried that the girl might become pregnant, and adversely impact the family's status, she consulted the family doctor.

The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful, and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and util then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.

Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the woman told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.

The girl started to laugh and reached over to hug her mother saying,
"Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!"

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The Cowboy

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Dr. Laura Schlessinger is a radio personality who dispenses advice to people who call in to her radio show.Recently,she said that homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22,and cannot be condoned under any circumstance.The following is an open letter to Dr. Laura,which was posted on the Internet.

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Question:

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BUSH: GAY MARRIAGE WIPED OUT LIFE ON MARS

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The Gay Genie

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Question:

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Wire Services Late Night Edition, San Francisco, California

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I know that many of you have heard Pat Robertson, Jerry Falwell, and others speak of the "Homosexual Agenda," but no one has ever seen a copy of it. I have finally obtained a copy directly from the Head Homosexual. It follows below:

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Gorilla LOVE

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Talking about the elections...Jay Leno had this to say tonight...

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The Frog, The Bear, & The Rabbit

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A Greek man and an Italian man were sitting down one day debating who had the superior culture.

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Lost San Francisco Tourist:

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