The Deer Hunter

A deer hunter was hunting in West Virginia one sunny afternoon,and after getting a kill, proceeded to drag the deer back to his vehicle. On his way, he was stopped by a redneck game warden. "Boy, I see you got you one of them deer today! But, I'm afraid I have to check your license and make sure you're on the up-and-up." So the man produces a valid license and upon it's return, proceeds towards his vehicle.

"Hold up, boy" says the warden, "I still gotta check that deer there." Puzzled and confused, the hunter stops. The warden then steps up to the deer, shoves his finger up the deer's ass, takes it out and sniffs it. "Boy, I hate to tell you this, but this
deer is from Virginia and your license is from West Virgina...do you have a Virginia license?" As luck would have it, the hunter had one from the week before and showed it to the warden.

The next week, the same hunter got another kill and was headed back to his vehicle. The same redneck warden stops him and asks for a license. Once again, the hunter produces the license and was once again told that the warden needed to check the deer. The warden shoves his finger up the deer's ass, takes it out and sniffs it. "Boy, this here buck is from Georgia...do you have a license from Georgia?" As luck would have it, he did have one in his glove box and showed it to the warden.

The next week, the same thing happened with deer and licenses being from Tennessee, South Carolina and Alabama. Finally, after the Alabama deer, the warden asks the hunter..."Son, you got licenses from practically every state in the south...where are you from anyway?"

With that, the hunter drops his pants, bends over and says..."Why don't you tell me?"
 

A man and his wife are out shopping, after a couple of hours they
start to get hungry so they go into a cafe and sit down at a table.

The man reading the menu says to his wife "hey look at this spelling
mistake on the menu, it says "bastard fish". I'm sure it should say
"battered fish".

So the man calls a waitress and points out the embarrassing mistake
on the menu, but the waitress says that it is not a mistake and
explains that it is the chefs own speciality and that it is highly
recommended.

So they order two bastard fish and chips and cannot beleive how tasty
and delicious it was when they had finished.

A few weeks later the man is out shopping again with his 10 year
old son and again after a couple of hours they get hungry, "Fancy
something to eat" the man says to his son.

"Yeah I'm starving Dad"

So the man and his son enter the cafe and sit down at a table. The
man then calls the attention of a waitress and orders two bastard
fish and chips.

"Certainly sir" the waitress says and promptly takes his order. Just
as the waitress leaves the table the son leans over to his father and
says "Hey Dad, isn't it f*cking great when mum's not here!".
 

One sunny day in the jungle the rabbit was running through the forest
and comes across an elephant just skinning up the biggest, juiciest
looking reefer you've ever seen, and the rabbit says "Hey Elephant
don't do drugs come and run through the jungle with me!". So the
elephant drops the spliff and follows the rabbit.

Then they come across a snake and hes got the biggest, fattest line
of charlie lined up on a mirror, and the rabbit says "Hey Snake don't
do drugs come and run through the jungle with me!". So he blokes the
coke away and starts jogging.

All 3 bumped into a lion and the lion is about to inject a load of
smack until the rabbit shouts out at the top of his voice "Hey Lion
don't do drugs come and run through the jungle with me!". The Lion
then stamps on the little rabbit crushes his head and squashes him
into lots of little bits!"..

The Snake said "Lion what did you just do that for?", the Lion
grunted "That bloody Rabbit is always making me run through the
f**kin jungle after he's done a few pills!!!!!"

 

A midget who had a very bad lisp won a rather large sum of money in a lottery and decided to invest his money in Thoroughbredhorses. After reading the best horse breeders were in Kentucky,he flew down to look at some prospective mares. He contacted the first breeder and was interested in one mare in particular.
He didn't really know what to look for in a horse, so he decided to try and bluff his way through it.

"May I thee her teef?" the midget with the lisp asked. The horse breeder saw he was too short to see for himself so he lifted the midget up and the midget opened up the horse's mouthand looked inside at the horse's teeth. The horse owner then let him back down to the ground.

"May I thee her eye-ths?" the midget asked again. The owner once again lifted him up the midget looked into the horse's eyes and the owner returned him to the ground again.

"May I thee her ear-ths? the midget asked yet again. With considerable effort, the horse breeder sighed and lifted the lisping midget up to the horse's ears to inspect them.

"May I thee her twat?" the lisping midget asked once again. By this time the breeder was really getting tired of lifting shorty up, so he lifted the midget up, raised the horses tail and smashes the midget's face into the horse's vagina. "Here take a
GOOD look!" the horse owner says and drops the midget to the ground.

Spitting profusely, the lisping midget replies, "Perhapths I thould rephrase that. May I thee her gallop?"
 

LOST DOG

3 legs, blind in left eye, missing right ear, tail broken, recently castrated... answers to the name of "Lucky"
 

Mr. Goldberg went to the zoo one day.

While he was standing infront of the gorilla's enclosure, he noticed the gorilla watching him intently. The man waved at the gorilla, the gorilla waved back. He patted his stomach and the gorilla copied him. He jumped up and down, the gorilla started jumping. He made faces, pulled his hair, hopped on one foot, spun in a circle, and beat on his chest. His antics were copied exactly by the gorilla in the cage.

All of a sudden the wind gusted and he got some grit in his eye. Mr. Goldberg rubbed his eye, trying to make it better. While doing so he stepped closer and closer to the cage. As he pulled his eyelid down to dislodge the particle, the gorilla went crazy, banged against the bars, reached out, grabbed the nearly blinded Goldberg and beat him senseless.

When the zoo keeper came to Mr. Goldberg, he told the keeper what had happened. The zoo keeper nodded and explained that in gorilla language pulling down your eyelid means "fuck you."

The explanation didn't make the gorilla's victim feel any better but he accepted it. As he left he became madder and madder. He plotted his revenge.

The next day he purchased two large knives, two party hats, two party horns, and a large sausage. Putting the sausage in his pants, he hurried to the zoo and over to the gorilla's cage, into which he tossed a hat, a knife, and a party horn.

Knowing that the big ape liked to mimic people, he put on a party hat. The gorilla looked at him, and looked at the hat, and put it on.

Next he picked up his horn and blew on it. The gorilla picked up his horn and did the same. He twirled in a circle blowing the horn. The gorilla did the same.

Then Goldberg picked up his knife and waved it over his head. Again the gorilla copied it. Next he whipped the sausage out of his pants, and sliced it neatly in two. The gorilla looked at the knife in his big hairy hand, looked at his own crotch, and pulled down his eyelid.   
 

A man goes into a pet shop and tells the owner that he wants to buy a pet that can do everything.

The owner says, "How about a dog?"

The man replies, "A dog? That's so ordinary! And a dog can't doeverything!"

The owner says, "How about a cat?"

The man replies, "No way! A cat certainly can't do everything. I want a pet that can do everything!"

The owner thinks for a minute, then says, "I've got it -- acentipede!"

The man says, "A centipede? I can't imagine a centipede doing everything. But, okay ... I'll try a centipede."

He gets the centipede home and says to it, "Clean the kitchen."

Thirty minutes later, he walks into the kitchen and it's immaculate. All the dishes and silverware have been washed,polished, dried and put away. The countertops have been cleaned.The appliances are sparkling. The floor has been waxed.

He's absolutely amazed. He says to the centipede, "Go clean the living room." Twenty minutes later he walks into the livingroom. The carpet has been vacuumed, the furniture clean and dusted, the pillows on the sofa plumped and the plants watered.

The man thinks to himself, "This is the most amazing thing I've ever seen. This is truly a pet that can do everything."

He says to the centipede, "Run down to the corner and get me a newspaper."

The centipede walks out the door.

Ten minutes later,no centipede. Twenty minutes later, no centipede. Thirty minutes later, no centipede.

The man is wondering what's going on. The centipede should have been back in a couple of minutes.

Forty-five minutes later, still no centipede!

The man can't imagine what happened. Did the centipede run away? Did it get run over by a car?

Finally, he goes to the front door and opens it ... and there's the centipede sitting right outside the door.

The man says, "Hey! I sent you 45 minutes ago to run down to the corner and get me a newspaper. What's the story?"

The centipede says, "I'm goin'! I'm goin'! I'm puttin' on my shoes!"   
 

A father asked his ten year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.

"I don't want to know!" the child said bursting into tears.

"Promise you won't tell me."

Confused, the father asked what was wrong.

"Oh Dad," the boy sobbed, "When I was six, I got the there's no Santa speech. At seven, I got the there's no Easter Bunny speech. When I was eight, you hit me with the there's no Tooth Fairy speech. If you tell me that grown-ups don't really fuck,
I'll have nothing left to live for!"
 

A man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot.

The shop owner points to three identical birds and says:

"The parrot to your left costs $500."

The man asks,"Why does the parrot costs so much?"

The owner says,"Well, it knows how to use a computer. He can diagnose system bugs."

The customer asks about the next parrot and is told,

"That one costs $1000 because it can do everything the other parrot can do plus it knows how to configure and use UNIX."

Naturally, the increasingly startled man asks about the third parrot and is told,

"That one costs$2000." Needless to say, this begs the question,

"What can IT do?"

The owner shrugs and replies, "To be honest I've never seen it do a thing, but the other two call him Boss!"   
 

A man walks into a bar carrying three ducks under his arms.

The bartender has learned not to question people when they bring animals into the bar.

So the man sits down and starts to drink.After a while the man gets up and walks to the bathroom.

When the man leaves the bartender looks at the ducks and starts to talk to them."So what are your names?"

The first duck responds, "My name is Hewi."

So then the bartender goes, "And how was your day?"

The first ducks says, "Great! I was in and out of puddles all day long."

So the bartender goes to the second duck and asks, "What's your name?"

The second duck says, "My name is Dewi."

Again the bartender asks, "And how was your day?"

The duck responds, "Great! I was in and out of puddles all day."

So the bartender goes to the third duck and goes, "
Your name must be Loui then."

"No," replies the duck. "I'm Puddles and don't ask about my fucking day."   
 

How Dogs and Men Are Alike

1. Both take up too much space on the be

2. Both have irrational fears about the vacuum cleaner.

3. Both are threatened by their own kind.

4.Neither understands what you see in cats.

5. Both want dominance.

6. Both do dishes by licking them clean.

7. Both chase cars.

8. The larger ones tend to drool.

9. The smaller ones tend to be more nervous.

How Dogs are Better Than Men

1. Dogs don't have problems expressing affection in public.

2. Dogs miss you when you are gone

3. You can train a Dog.

4. Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out

5. Dogs understand what "NO" means.

6. Dogs mean it when they kiss you.

7. When dogs play "fetch," they don't laugh at how you throw.

8. Dogs are color blind.

9. Dogs understand if some of their friends aren't allowed to come inside.

How Dogs are Better Than Women

1.  Dogs like beer

2.  Dogs don't hate their bodies.

3.  Dogs don't criticize.

4.  Dogs never expect gifts.

5.  Dogs don't want to know about every other dog you've ever had.

6.  Dogs don't let a magazine article guide their lives.

7.  You never have to wait for a dog--they are ready to go 24 hours a day.

8.  Dogs don't cry.

9.  Dogs love it when your friends come over.

10. A dog's time in the bathroom is confined to a quick drink.

11. Dogs don't expect you to call when you are running late --the later you are, the more excited they are to see you.

12. Dogs enjoy heavy petting in public.

13. Gods find you amusing when you are drunk.

14. Dogs don't mind if you give their offspring away.

15. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dogs name.

16. If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don't hate it.

17. A dog's parents never visit.   
 

One day a wolf came and all the sheep went crazy, running all over the place, but the two rednecks (Bill and Bob) came and killed the wolf, calming down all the sheep.

However, one of the sheep in all the comotion got his head stuck in the fence.

Bill seized the oportunity, went over to the sheep and starts fucking the sheep in the ass.

When he is done he looks over at Bob and says, "You want a turn?"

Bob replies, "YEAH, but do I have to stick my head in the fence?"   
 

One night, at the lodge of a hunting club, two new members were being introduced to other members and shown around.

The man leading them around said, "See that old man asleep in the chair by the fireplace? He is our oldest member and can tell you some hunting stories you'll never forget."

They awakened the old man and asked him to tell them a hunting story.

"Well, I remember back in 1944, we went on a lion hunting expedition in Africa. We were on foot and hunted for three days without seeing a thing.On the fourth day, I was so tired I had to rest my feet. I found a fallen tree, so I laid my gun down, propped my head on the tree, and fell asleep.

I don't know how long I was asleep when I was awakened by a noise in the bushes. I was reaching for my gun when the biggest lion I ever saw jumped out of the bushes at me like this, ROOOAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!! I tell you, I just shit in my pants."

The young men looked astonished and one of them said, "I don't blame you, I would have shit my pants too if a lion jumped out at me."

The old man shook his head and said, "No, no, not then, just now when I said ROOOAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!   
 

A Prostitute enters a bar and sees a koala sitting on the bar stool. The prostitute goes over to the koala who decides to go back to her place.

After hours of passion the koala gets off and heads to the door.

Thinking the koala being an animal might not understand the work of a prostitute, she shows him the term in the dictionary:

"Prostitute n.provides sexual services for payment."

The koala flicks forward a few pages and shows her: "Koala n.a marsupial, eats bush and leaves"
 

There was a man that had a 60 cm long dick and his wife couldn't stand it any more.

She said that it was too big and that it hurt too much when they had sex so she said that she will divorce him if he doesn't do something.

So he goes to the park and sits on abench all depressed...an old lady comes by and asks him what's wrong

. The man, all depressed decides to tell her everything. After telling her the whole story she feels sorry and tells him that she heard about an ancient frog in the pond that could shorten his penis.

He just had to ask the frog out and if the frog said no his dick would shorten 10cm every time.

The man having a chance runs to the pond and sees the frog. He says:"Frog, can I go out with you?"and the frog says no.

Suddenly his dick shortens to 50 centimeters.

The next day he goes to the frog again and asks her out and the frog says no again.His dick suddenly shortens to 40centimeters.

Every time it shortens of 10 cm.The man is so happy and the next day he goes
back to the frog and asks her out again and once more she says no.

Now his penis is 10 cm less and has a length of 30 cm. he is really happy now and says that 10 cm less again and he would be fine.

So he goes to the frog and says:"can I go out with you?"and the frog:"goddamn it haven't you heard me?NO NO NO!!!!
 

One day a cat dies of natural causes and goes to heaven.

There he meets the Lord Himself. The Lord says to the cat "you lived a good life and if there is any way I can make your stay in heaven more comfortable, please let me know."

The cat thinks for a moment and says "Lord, all my life I have lived with a poor family and had to sleep on a hard wooden floor."

The Lord stops the cat and says, "say no more." And a wonderful fluffy pillow appears.

A few days later six mice are killed in a tragic farming accident and go to heaven.

Again there is the Lord there to greet them with the same offer. The mice answer, "All of our lives we have been chased. We have had to run from cats, dogs and even women with brooms. Running, running, running; we're tired of running.

Do you think we could have roller skates so we don't have to run anymore?" The Lord says, "Say no more." and fits each mouse with beautiful new roller skates.

About a week later the Lord stops by to see the cat and finds him snoozing on the pillow.

The Lord gently wakes the cat and asks him, "How are things since you are here?"

The cat stretches and yawns and replies, "It is wonderful here. Better than I could have ever expected. And those 'Meals On Wheels' you've been sending by are theeeeeeeee best!!!"   
 

A woman went into a store to buy her husband a pet for his birthday.  After looking around, she found that all the pets were very expensive.  She told the clerk she wanted to buy a pet, but she didn't want to spend a fortune.

"Well," said the clerk, "I have a very large bullfrog.  They say it's been trained to give
blowjobs!"

"Blowjobs!" the woman replied.

"It hasn't been proven but we've sold 30 of them this month," he said.  The woman thought it would be a great gag gift, and what if it's true...no more blowjobs for her!  She bought the frog.

When she explained froggy's ability to her husband, he was extremely skeptical and
laughed it off.  The woman went to bed happy, thinking she may never need to perform this less than riveting act again.  In the middle of the night, she was awakened by the noise of pots and pans flying everywhere, making hellacious banging and crashing sounds.  She ran downstairs to the kitchen, only to find her husband and the frog reading cookbooks.

"What are you two doing at this hour?" she asked.

The husband replied, "If I can teach this frog to cook, your ass is gone.
 

Two gay men are walking through a zoo.

They come across the gorillas, and after a while they notice that the male gorilla has a massive erection.

The gay men are fascinated by this.

One of the men just can't bear it any longer and he reaches into the cage to touch it. Suddenly, the gorilla grabs him, drags him into the cage and mates with him for six hours nonstop!

When he's done, the gorilla throws the man back out of the cage.

An ambulance is called and the man is taken away to the hospital.

A few days later his friend visits him and asks:

"Are you hurt?"

"Am I hurt?" he answers. "Wouldn't you be? He hasn't called, he hasn't written..."  
 

Three mice were sitting at a bar talking about how tough they were.

The first mouse slams a shot and says, "I play with mouse traps for fun.I'll run into one on purpose and as it is closing on me, I grab the bar and bench press it 20 to 30 times." And, with that, he slams another shot.

The second mouse slams a shot and says, "That's nothing. I take those poison bait tablets, cut them up, and snort them, just for the fun of it."And, with that, he slams another shot.

The third mouse slams a shot, gets up, and walks away. The first two mice look at each other, then turn to the third mouse and ask, "Where the hell are you going?"

The third mouse stops and replies, "I'm going home to fuck the cat."   
 

A man takes his wife to the stock show.  

They start heading down the alley that had the bulls.  They come up to the first bull and his sign stated, "This bull mated 50 times last year."  

The wife turns to her husband and says, "He mated 50 times in a year, you could learn from him."

They proceed to the next bull and his sign stated, "This bull mated 65 times last year."  The wife turns to her husband and says, "This one mated 65 times last year. That is over 5 times a month. You can learn from this one also."

They proceeded to the last bull and his sign said, "This bull mated 365 times last year."  The wife's mouth drops open and says, "WOW! He mated 365 times last year. That is ONCE ADAY! You could really learn from this one."

The man turns to his wife and says, "Go up and inquire if it was 365 times with the same cow."   
 

After a few sips he looked up at the TV and mumbled, "He's a horse's ass if I've ever seen one!"

A customer at the end of the bar, stood up walked over to him, and knocked him out.

As he was finishing his beer, Hilary Clinton appeared on TV."She's a horse's ass too!" the man exclaimed.

At the other end of the bar, a customer stood up, walked over to him, and knocked him off his barstool.

"Damn it!", he said, getting back on his barstool. "This must be Clinton country."

"Nope", the bartender replied. "Horse country"
 

Q. What happens when a mouse crawls up a ladys leg?
A. The pussy eats it .

Pussy Cat ***************************************************************

One day a fly was flying over a lake.

In the lake a trout said to himself, "If that fly will drop four inches, I can jump out and catch it."

Behind a shrub a bear said to himself, "If that fly will drop four inches, the trout will jump out of the water and catch it, so I can reach out and grab the trout."

On a hill sat a hunter who said, "If that fly will drop four inches, the trout will jump out of the water and catch it, the bear will reach out and grab the trout, and it will expose him for a clear shot."

Behind A bush there was a rat who said, "If that fly will drop four inches, the trout will jump out of the water and catch it, the bear will reach out and grab the trout, the hunter will have a clear shot at the bear and run down to get his kill, and I can steal his food."

Behind a tree was a cat who said, "If that fly will drop four inches, the trout will jump out of the water and catch it, the bear will reach out and grab the trout,the hunter will have a clear shot at the bear and run down to get his kill, the rat will steal the hunter's food, and I can pounce on the rat."

Well, everything began: the fly dropped four inches, the trout caught the fly, the bear reached out and grabbed the trout exposing himself, the hunter shot the bear and ran down for his kill, the rat stole the hunter's food, and the cat tripped and rolled all the way down the hill into the lake.

Moral: When the fly drops, the pussy gets wet.
 

The difference between men and women in one paragraph:

A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road.

A woman is driving down the same road in the opposite direction.

As they pass each other the woman leans out the window and yells, "PIG!!"

The man immediately leans out his window and replies, "BITCH!!"

They each continue on their way and as the man rounds the next corner, he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road.

There's a guy with a Doberman Pinscher and a guy with a Chihuahua.

The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says to the guy with a Chihuahua, "Let's go over to that restaurant and get something to eat."

The guy with the Chihuahua says, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us." The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says, "Just follow my lead."

They walk over to the restaurant, the guy with the Doberman Pinscher puts on a pair of dark glasses, and he starts to walk in. A guy at the door says, "Sorry, mac, no pets allowed." The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."

The guy at the door says, "A DobermanPinscher?" He says, "Yes, they're using them now, they're very good." The guy at the door says, "Come on in."

The guy with the Chihuahua figures, "What the heck," so he puts on a pair of dark glasses and starts to walk in. The guy at the door says, "Sorry, pal, no pets allowed." The guy with the Chihuahua says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog." The guy at the door says, "A Chihuahua?" The guy with the Chihuahua says, "You mean they gave me a Chihuahua?"
 

A man is sitting in a plane which is about to take off, when another man with a dog occupies the empty seats along side.

The dog is sat in the middle, and the first man is looking quizzically at the dog, when the second man explains that they work for the airline.

The dog handler says to the first man,"Don't mind Rover, he is a 'sniffer dog,' the best there is.I'll show you when we get airborne and I set him to work."

The plane takes off and levels out, when the handler says to the first man, "Watch this." He tells the dog, "Rover, search."The dog jumps down, walks along the aisle and sits next to a woman for a few seconds. It then returns to its seat and puts one paw on the handler's arm. He says, "Good boy," and turns tot he first man and says, "That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of this and the seat number for the police who will apprehend her on arrival."

"Fantastic!"replies the first man.

Once again, he sends the dog to search the aisles. The dog sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to its seat and places both paws on the handler's arm. He says,"Good boy," and he turns to the first man and says, "That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of this and the seat number."

"That's marvellous, I've never seen anything likeit!" says the first man

.Once again he sends the dog to search the aisles. He goes up and down the plane and after a while sits down next to someone, and then comes racing back and jumps up onto the seat and shits allover the place.

The first man is surprised and disgusted by this, and asks, "What the hell is going on?"

The handler replies. "He's just found a bomb!"
 

1) Cats do what they want.
2) They rarely listen to you.
3) They're totally unpredictable.
4) They whine when they are not happy.
5) When you want to play, they want to be alone.
6) When you want to be alone, they want to play.
7) They expect you to cater to their every whim.
8) They're moody.
9) They leave hair everywhere.
10) They drive you nuts and cost an arm and a leg.

Conclusion: They're tiny little women in cheap fur coats.
 

One day two boys were walking through the woods when they saw some rabbit shit. One of the boys said, "What is that?"

"They're smart pills," said the other boy. "Eat them and they'll make you smarter."

So the boy ate them and said, "These taste like shit!"

"See," said the other boy, "you're already getting smarter."
 

One day a man went to a scope shop for a new scope for his gun for deer season.

The manager showed him all there newest scopes.

The Manager picked one up and said "This one is so strong that i can see my house all the way on top of that hill.

The man said wow...I see two people though!

The manager replied "That ungrateful little bitch!" The Manager added, "Tell ya what If you can shoot my wifes head off and that bastards dick and i'll give you the scope for free!"
So The manager gives the man two bullets.

The man looks at them, then through the scope and hands a bullet back to the manager and says "I think i can do that with one bullet"
 

Man: Did you see a wagon full of monkeys go by?

Woman: No, why, did you fall off?
 

A scientist is doing experiments with frogs, and has to document everything he does and or sees. well he is doing voice commands on a frog and finds that if you say, "Jump Frog, Jump!" the frog will do as told and get his treat for doing so.

The scientist finds this facinating for about ten minutes, then the experiment gets boring. so he decides to spice it up by cutting one of the frogs legs off. so he cuts the back left leg and sets the frog down on the table and lays the treat a few inches away and says "Jump Frog, Jump" well the frog does to the mans amazment. so he documents that on his clipboard.

He then wonders if the frog will continue to jump when told if he continues to loose legs. so he trys it.

The man cuts off the right back leg, sets the frog and treat down and again says "Jump Frog, Jump". Well the frog pushes off with the front legs and gets the treat, and the scientist writes that down. He then chops the left front leg and lays frog and treat down and again says "Jump Frog, Jump". wobbly but determind the frog
pulls himself with his one good leg to the food and eats it. and the man writes that down.

And so with the shrug of his shoulders and a wack of the knife the remaining leg is removed, frog and treat placed in their spots and the words "Jump Frog, Jump" spoken, only to find the frog doesn't move.

"OH, come on frog, "Jump Frog, Jump", "Jump Frog, Jump" the frog just sits, and stares at the treat. so the scientist writes on his pad;

"Cut off all Four legs and the Frog goes DEAF!!!"
 

In "THE MAN" world wide competition there are three finalists left: a German, an American, and an Albanian. The last challenge is who can survive the longest in a room with 500 pound gorilla.

So the American goes first. After 2 seconds the American comes out with his clothes ripped off screaming and rubbing his ass.

The German looks at him and laughs. "You American pussy, he says and goes in. But not even a second he comes out naked screaming, "Ah my aaasssss!"

The last one is the Albanian. So he goes in. Five minutes go by and he's not coming out. Ten minutes, 20 minutes, 30 minutes...after one hour he comes out, without even a scratch on him. Everybody is amazed. After 5 seconds the gorilla comes
out and in a soft voice says, "Are you coming back"?
 

One late evening while the family was at church, a man was breaking into their home, he went into the bedroom stealing everything he could get his hands on.

As soon as he entered the living room he heard a voice "God is going to get you!" "God is going to get you!"

He pulled out his flashlight and shined it on this big bird.

Well the man did not pay any mind to the bird and kept on loading up his bag.

He was loading that bag from left to right.

Again he heard that voice "God is going to get you!" "God is going to get you!"

He walked over to the cage and told the bird to shut up!

As soon as he put his hand on the door knob of the back door he heard a different noise.

It was not the bird but a growing sort of noise, He shined the flashlight up and saw this GREAT BIG DOG! And the bird yelled "GET HIM GOD!"
 

A man wakes up one morning to find a gorilla on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Gorilla Removers." He calls the number, and the gorilla remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes.

The gorilla remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull. "What are you going to do", the homeowner asks?

"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the gorilla off the roof with this baseball bat. When the gorilla falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The gorilla will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."

So the guy puts the ladder up, gets the bat and the shotgun and walks towards the ladder. As he gets to the base of the ladder, he hands the shotgun to the homeowner.

"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.

"If the gorilla knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog!" :screem:
 

A little rabbit is happily running through the forest when he stumbles upon a giraffe rolling a joint. The rabbit looks at her and says, "Giraffe my friend, why do you do this? Come with me running through the forest, you'll see, you'll feel so much better!" The giraffe looks at him, looks at the joint, tosses it and goes off running with the rabbit.

Then they come across an elephant doing coke, so the rabbit again says, "Elephant my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health. Come running with us through the pretty forest, you'll see, you'll feel so good!" The elephant looks at them,
looks at his razor, mirror and all, then tosses them and starts running with the rabbit and giraffe.

The three animals then come across a lion about to shoot up and the rabbit again says, "Lion my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health! Come running with us through the sunny forest, you will feel so good!"

The lion looks at him, puts down his needle, and starts to beat the shit out of the rabbit. As the giraffe and elephant watch in horror, they look at him and ask, "Lion, why did you do this? ... He was merely trying to help us all!"

The lion answers, "That little fucker! He makes me run around the forest like an idiot each time he's on ecstasy!" :P
 

I remember the first time I ever saw her. She looked so beautiful and she still does today after forty years of marraige.

But the only problem we have is with her parents. I'll never forget the day I met them...

I had only known her for a couple of months and she was my high school sweetheart.

One day I was invited over to her house for dinner with her parents. I hung up the phone, my hands sweating like crazy.

I was so nervous. I began to get a large stomach ache. When I get a stomach ache, there is only one way to get it out...gas. That act usually performs about four hours from now which means four hours of torture. Damn it, I hate my body. The way my stomach works really sucks.

Three and a half hours later, I was experiencing what every man fears throughout his whole life, and there I was, standing out on their porch, waiting for the parents to answer.

Her father answered the door and he seemed very nice. While the ladys were in the kitchen, the dad and I were talking in the dining room about sports and cars.

He seemed to really like me and he said that he's not like any other father. He wants his daughter to be happy and free, and he said that it was my job to make her happy. Not his because his job was now over because she was now 18 and she's an adult. He said to take good care of her and he gave me a smile with a twinkle in his eye.

I thought to myself, "Why were men so scared of meeting the parents?" This wasn't bad at all. They brought out a great meal and they were laughing with me. But then the dream suddenly turned into a nightmare...

"Spot!" the father said. "Come boy, come!" I looked behind me and there was a dog. "Oh, shit," I thought to myself. I can't stand dogs. The slimey skanky thing sat under my chair. God damn it, I have to sit with this gross thing under me. But that was
only the beginning...

Now, I told you I had a stomach ache and it was now four hours from when it started. I began to get gas. I couldn't fart here!!! Out of all the times in my whole miserable boring life, I had gas now! Oh, damn. I held it in. I couldn't do it any longer so I let one go.

It was a silent but very bad one, and it was silent at first but then the noise came right at the end. I looked up with my face pale and my eyes wide open. I didn't know what to do or what to say. They all looked under the table. The dad said, "Spot, get out from under that chair!"

What?!

Did I just hear what I thought I did?

He repeated it!"Spot, get out from under that chair right now!"

Spot didn't move. YES! I love dogs now. He thought it was the dog! Holy shit! But I had to be careful. I took a little bite out of some beans. Then I felt it come again. I let it go and just a little bit louder and smellier. Just to test.

"Spot, get out from under that chair NOW!!!!!" Yes, Spot, yes! I thought. Please don't
move! Please!! Just let me get it all out. I started to let 'em rip. "Spot, get out of there!"

Over and over again, my farts getting worse and worse every time!

Then I let the grand finale !

It filled the room, the plates rattled, I flew up an inch from my chair. The gas was gone but then I heard the dad say,

"Spot, get out from under that table before he shits on you!"
 

One day a businessman is driving through the country and sees a shepherd overlooking his flock. Curiosity starts to her the best of him so he pulls his car over, gets out, and goes over the shepherd to ask him a question.

"Excuse me" said the businessman; "I have a question for you".

"Yep, what is it?" The shepherd replies.

The businessman proceeded, "I've heard tails and I was wondering, do you all really have sex with your sheep?"

"Shit ya we do" the shepherd replied, "we do it all the time."

The business man said "So how do you do it?"

Shepherd says, "You go down there behind the sheep, put one hoof in one boot, and the other hoof in your other boot, lift the tail and go to town."

"Really? What's it like?" said the businessman.

The shepherd said, "Enough of all the talk go on down there and get you one."

Businessman replied, "No. I know your saying that just so you can laugh at me."

"No, I promise I won't laugh," said the shepherd "As I said, we do it all the time."

So the businessman thought for a second and decided to go for it. He went up behind a sheep, put one hoof in one boot and the other in the other boot lifted the tail and began his sexualencounter with his sheep. Just then he looks over his shoulder
and sees the shepherd up on the hill, rolling around, laughing his ass off. The businessman can't even finish, so he pulls out, zips up and goes up the hill to find out what the hells going on.

He gets to the top of the hill and still sees the shepherd in hysteria so he yells, "you asshole you promised you wouldn't laugh at me."

And the shepherd says, " I wasn't goin' to, but you picked Mildred, and she's the ugliest fuckin' sheep I got."
 

A young man sits down next to an old man who is gazing over the small Italian village in which he lived.

The wise old man, wanting to give the boy some worldly advise said," You see all these houses in this village, I helped build all those houses,  you would think they'd call me Guido the Constructionist! " " but they don't " he hesitated. " I also designed that bridge that goes over the river, you would think they'd call me Guido the Architect! " " but they don't " he hesitated again. " And you see all the fields of crops, I grew all of that, you would think they'd call me Guido the Farmer! "
" but they don't'
"
" But you fuck ONE goat and your Guido the Goat Fucker for the rest of your life!!!
 

The sky was dark
The moon was high
We were alone
Just she and I
Her hair was brown
Her eyes were too
I knew just what
She wanted to do
So with my courage
I did my best
And placed my hand
Upon her breast
I trembled and shook
And felt her heart
Slowly she spread
Her legs apart
I knew she was ready
But I didn't know how
It was my first try
At milking a cow   
 

Once there was three men in Auckland in New Zealand they where friends,so they decided to have a contest to see who could walk their dog across the bridge without it farting. So the first man was Japanese as soon as his foot touched the bridge the dog farted.

Then the second man went across halfway and his dog farted so the last man who was English walked across the bridge and back. In amazment the other two asked "how didyou do that"He said" I'm not stupid I'm not dumb I stuck a cork up dog's bum"   
 

John and Steve were high school buddies.

They have not seen each other since they both went to college.

Five years went by and they ran into each other at a bar. John spotted Steve first, "Hey Steve!"

"Hey John! Long time no see!" John was surprised that Steve spoke smoothly without stutters--Steve has been stuttering since he was a child.

"How did you fix your speaking?" "I went to the doctor and he said that if I speak really slow, I won't stutter! Did you hear? I almost got married!"

"How did you ALMOST get married?"

"Well, I was sitting on the front porch with my fiance and the dog was sitting there too and he was scratching his back! Although I have to speak slow, I said to my fiance: When we're married YOU can do that for me and then I pointed to the dog.

But, because I talk so slow, by then he was licking his balls!"   
 

A police officer was driving his patrol car down next to a beach when he noticed a man knee deep in the water holding two red things, he wasn't sure what they were.

The officer made his way down the sand to meet the man standing in the water.

As he approached he noticed that the two red things were lobsters.

The officer said to the man "its illegal to be poaching for lobsters, you know".

What are you talking about?" he said startled, "these are my pet lobsters".

"Sure they are!" replied the policeman.

"No, I'm serious. I will throw them into the waves and call them back. They will come".

"This I have to see". chuckled the officer.

So the man lauched the two lobsters back into the ocean and stood there watching them.

"I thought you said you could call those two lobsters back" said the cop.

"Losters?" replied the man, "what lobsters?"   
 

A Morning Poem     

I woke early one morning,
The earth lay cool and still,
When suddenly a tiny bird,
Perched on my window sill,
He sang a song so lovely,
So carefree and so gay,T
That slowly all my troubles,
Began to slip away,
He sang of far off places,
Of laughter and of fun.
I stirred beneath the covers,
Crept slowly out of bed,
Then gently shut the window,
And crushed his f%&#ing head,
I'm not a morning person.   
 

Going Out   

My parents had not been out together in quite some time.

One Saturday, as mom was finishing the dinner dishes, my father stepped up behind her. "Would you like to go out, girl?" he asked.

Not even turning around, my mother quickly replied, "Oh, yes,I'd love to!"

They had a wonderful evening, and it wasn't until the end of the evening that Dad finally confessed that his question had actually been directed to the family dog, laying near mom's feet on the kitchen floor.   

 

Any Gators?   

While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat.

He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the over turned craft.
Spotting and old beach comber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted, "Are there any gators around here?!"

"Naw," the man hollered back, "they ain't been around for years!"

"Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore. About half way there he asked the guy, "How'd you get rid of the gators?"

"We didn't do nothin'," the beachcomber said." The sharks got 'em."   
 

Origin of Pets     

A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the answer to, "Where do pets come from?"

Adam said, "Lord, when I was in the garden, you walked with me every day. Now I do not see you anymore. I am lonesome here and it is difficult for me to remember how much you love me.

"And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you maybe, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourself."

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam. And it was a good animal.

And God was pleased. And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and he wagged his tail. And Adam said,"Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal."

And God said, "No problem! Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG.

"And Dog lived with Adam and was a companion to him and loved him. And Adam was comforted. And God was pleased. And Dog was content and wagged his tail.

After a while, it came to pass that Adam's guardian angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam has become filled with pride.He struts and preens like a peacock and he believes he is worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught him that he is loved, but perhaps too well."And the Lord said, "No problem! I will create for him acompanion who will be with him forever and who will see him as he is. The companion will remind him of his limitations, so he will know that he is not always worthy of adoration."

And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam. And Cat would not obey Adam. And when Adam gazed into Cat's eyes, he was reminded that he was not the supreme being.

And Adam learned humility.And God was pleased.And Adam was greatly improved.And Dog was happy.And Cat didn't give a shit one way or the other.   
 

Animal Menagerie      

A mother was reading a book about animals to her 3 year old daughter.

Mother: "What does the cow say?"
Child: "Moo!"
Mother: "Great!

What does the cat say?"
Child: "Meow."

Mother: "And what does the pig say?"
Child: "Oink, Oink."
Mother: "Oh, you're so smart!

What does the frog say?"
And this wide-eyed little 3 year-old looked up at her mother and in her deepest voice replied, "Bud-wei-ser"   

 

When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd all go play in his cave, and every once in a while he would eat one of us. It wasn't until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear.

------------------
I hope that after I die, people will say of me: "That guy sure owed me a lot of money!"
 

Q: What do you get when you cross a pit bull with a collie?

A: A dog that tears your leg off and runs for help.
 

Desperate

A rather stupid man was with a caravan going across the desert.

He was a man from out of town, and the others were guides. He kept explaining to the guides that sometimes a city man's sexual needs would get out of control. One day, he could not stand it any longer.

He NEEDED to have some wild sex. So he told his guides. They told him that the nearest town was miles away. He said that he couldn't stand it. So the guides sold him their camel and went off on their way. The man was so desperate that he pulled down his pants and proceeded to have sex with the camel. But as soon as he got close, the camel backed away. He tried again. The camel backed away. He decided to walk another couple of miles and try again. The camel still backed away.

So he rode the camel until he found a small town. Walking throught town, he encountered three young, gorgeous babes. The girls told him that they were in trouble, their car had stalled. He reassured them that he would fix it in exchange for on thing.

The hotties were so happy that they said they would absolutely do anything in return. So he went with them, fixed their car easily, and then reminded about their favour to him.

The girls asked what it was. The man said,"Hold this camel still, will ya?"
 

Another surprise poem

Warm eyes, wet lips
Gently touch my finger tips

Soft sighs, silky hair
Longing for me to touch her there

Her begging eyes
Her whimpering cries

Urgent needs of one so sweet
Bring me quickly to my feet

The night is warm, there is no doubt
It's my turn to take the dog out
 

One day Mr. Rabbit was traveling through the green field which he called home when he decided to go and see his cousin in the next field over, so off he went to see his cousin.

To get to his cousin's field he had to walk through the woods that divided their two fields,as he was walking through the woods thinking about how much fun he and his cousin had the last time he visited he came upon a large bear.

Mr. Rabbit became very scared and crouched down and was just about sprint away
when the bear said "Dont be afraid little rabbit,I wont hurt you." surprised once again Mr. Rabbit replied "I find it hard to believe that a big bear like you wouldn't hurt a little rabbit like me,you probably want to eat me!" with this the bear begins to roll with laughter,he says "Don't worry my little freind I've just had my fill of fish from the stream" with this Mr. Rabbit felt more at ease and began to talk with the bear.

They sat together by a big round tree and spoke for quite some time about many different things when the bear said "Pardon me Mr. Rabbit while I go answer the question often asked,'Does a bear shit in the woods?'."they both laugh and the bear excuses himself to the other side of the tree.while he is gone Mr. Rabbit smiles and thinks about his newfound freind and wonders why he was ever afraid of bears when he heard the bear from the other side of the tree "Damn.......hey, Mr.Rabbit?" "what is it Mr. Bear?' replied Mr. Rabbit. The bear asks "When you take a
shit do you have the problem of shit sticking to your fur?" and to this Mr.Rabbit replied "No Mr. Bear, shit never sticks to my fur."and then Mr.Bear reached around the tree and picked up Mr.Rabbit and wiped his ass.
 

One day there were three ants. They had gone into a house and had no place safe to sleep in except for the bathroom. So the first ant slept in the sink, the second ant slept in the shower, and the third ant slept in the toilet.

The next morning after the all woke up, the first ant said, "I slept fine."

The second ant said "I slept fine."

The third ant said, "I slept fine, but first it rained, then it thundered, and then a big log fell on my head."
 

A lady is walking down the street to work and she sees a parrot in a pet store. The parrot says to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." The lady is furious and she storms past the store to her work.

On the way home she saw the same parrot in the window and the parrot said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." She was incredibly ticked off now.

The next day she saw the same parrot and the parrot said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." The lady was so pissed off that she went into the store and said that she would sue the store and kill that damn bird.

The store manager promised that the parrot wouldn't say it again.

When the lady walked past the store after work the parrot said to her, "Hey lady."

She paused and said, "Yes?"

And the bird said, "You know."
 

There was once this man who had three sons; two smart ones, and one stupid one.

The man's problem was that one of them had to take over the family buiness. So he decided to give them a test. He gave each son a duck, and said that whoever sold the duck for the most money, would get the buisness.

So the first son goes out and sells the duck for $10.

The next son goes out and sells the duck for $20.

Then, the third son goes out and meets a hooker. The hooker says "I'll give you a fuck for your duck."

The son agrees. They have sex, and he gives her the duck. Then, the son is walking the next night and meets the same hooker. She says, "Look, I'll sell you back your duck for a fuck."

So, naturally, the guy agrees. They have sex and she gives him the duck. Then, the son is walking along the road thinking about how he's gonna sell this duck, when out of nowhere, a car hits the son. The driver jumps out of his car and yells, "Oh my God! Are you ok?!" "Yeah, I'm fine," said the son. "but you almost killed
my duck!"

The man thinks it over a second, and then takes out his walet. "I'll give you $50 for your duck." says the man. The son agrees, takes the $50 and gives the man the duck.

The next day, the son gives his dad the $50.

The dad is amazed and says, "How did YOU sell a duck for $50???"

"Well..." says the son. "I got a fuck for a duck, a duck for a fuck, and 50 bucks for a
fucked up duck."
 

"Managing senior programmers is like herding cats."
- Dave Platt

"There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast."
-Anonymous {So true! My cats walks on me! - LadyHawke}

"Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this."
- Anonymous

"Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow."
- Jeff Valdez

"In a cat's eye, all things belong to cats."
- English proverb

"As every cat owner knows, nobody owns a cat."
- Ellen Perry Berkeley

"Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are G-d."

"One cat just leads to another." - Ernest Hemingway

"Dogs come when they're called; cats take a message and get back to you later."
- Mary Bly

"Cats are rather delicate creatures and they are subject to a good many ailments, but I never heard of one who suffered from insomnia."
- Joseph Wood Krutch

"People that hate cats, will come back as mice in their next life."
- Faith Resnick

"There are many intelligent species in the universe. They are all owned by cats."
- Anonymous

"I have studied many philosophers and many cats. The wisdom of cats is infinitely superior."
- Hippolyte Taine

"There are two means of refuge from the miseries of life: music and cats."
- Albert Schweitzer

"The cat has too much spirit to have no heart."
- Ernest Menaul

"Time spent with cats is never wasted."
- Colette

"No heaven will not ever Heaven be; Unless my cats are there to welcome me."
- Anonymous

"Some people say that cats are sneaky, evil, and cruel. True, and they have many other fine qualities as well."
- Missy Dizick

"You will always be lucky if you know how to make friends with strange cats."
- Colonial American proverb

"Cats seem to go on the principle that it never does any harm to ask for what you want."
- Joseph Wood Krutch

"Cats aren't clean, they're just covered with cat spit."
- John S. Nichols

"Do not meddle in the affairs of cats, for they are subtle and will p**s on your computer."
- Bruce Graham

"I got rid of my husband. The cat was allergic."

"My husband said it was him or the cat ... I miss him sometimes."
 

In the small town of Whatsville, there were a lot of crimes going on, and
Dave wanted to get a guard dog.

So one day Dave goes into the pet store and says, "I need the best guard dog I can buy."

The petstore owner goes to the back. He returns with a tiny dog. Dave laughed and said, "That's no guard dog!"

The owner said, "Not only a guard dog, but this dog knows karate," The owner said, "Dog, karate that chair." and the chair turned into a pile of splinters.

Dave said, "I'll take it!!" When he got home, he told his wife about this dog and said, "Watch this, my dog knows karate."

The wife looked over and said, "Karate my ass!"
 

A man went to a farm to buy a pig.

When he knocked on the door a lady came to the door.

The guy asked if he could buy a pig the lady said to talk to her husband in the barn, the man went there and asked the farmer if he could buy a pig.

The farmer asked how big the man said 50lbs.

The farmer walked around the pigs and grabbed one flipped it over put it's balls in his mouth and picked it up and said this one weighs 50lbs.

The man asked how could he believe him the farmer put the pig on the scale and it
weighed 50lbs.

The guy said that was amazing the farmer said his son could also do it, he told his son to find him a 20lb. pig.

His son walked around grabbrd a couple pigs put there balls in his mouth and picked them up finally he brought one over put it on the scale 20lbs.

The farmer told the man to go to the house and pay his wife,a couple minutes later the man walked in the barn the farmer asked can I help you, the man replied I was
going to pay your wife but she is weighing the postman.
 

Two snakes were crawling along when one snake asked the other, "Are we poisonous snakes?"

The other replied, "You're darn right we're poisonous! We're rattlesnakes. Why do you ask?"

To which the first replied, "Because I just bit my tongue."
 

Once there was a man who had a parrot who said nothing but, "Polly wanna cracker." The man got tired of hearing this from his pet so one day he let his parrot go and told it to go learn some new words and not to come back until he had.

So the parrot began his journey and the first place that he saw was a mechanics body shop, so the parrot flew into the garage and he heard the mechanic say, "Man, it is hot as hell in here!!" So the parrot continued on his trip and kept repeating,
"Man it is hot as hell in here!!"

The next place the parrot flew by was a baseball stadium, and he heard someone yell, "Let it fly!" So the parrot continued on his journey saying, "let it fly, let it fly!"

The next day the parrot flew over a farm and he overheard a farmer telling his workhand to look at that cow lying over in the pasture. The farmer told his farmhand, "Go over there and kick that ol' bitch and see if she is alive." So the parrot went
around saying that as well.

On the way back to his home the parrot stopped by a church to see what was going on. Once he entered the church, the parrot loudly said, "Man, it is hot as hell in here." The preacher immediatly stopped preaching, turned around and said, "You hush your mouth or I will throw the good book at you." So the parrot proudly reiterated, "Let it fly, let it fly." About that time, the big fat lady that was playing the piano fainted and hit the floor very hard. "Go over there and kick that ol' bitch and see
if she is alive." shouted the parrot.
 

A guy walks into a bar with an octopus.

He sits the octopus down on a stool and tells everyone in the bar that this is a very talented octopus.

"He can play any musical instrument in the world."

He hears everyone in the crowd laughing at him, calling him an idiot, etc.

So he says that he will wager $500 to anyone who has an instrument that the octopus can't play.

A guy walks up with a guitar and sets it beside the octopus. The octopus starts playing better than Jimi Hendrix, just rippin' it up. So the man pays his $500.

Another guy walks up with a trumpet. The octopus plays the trumpet better than Dizzie Gillespie. So the man pays his $500.

Then a Scotsman walks up with bagpipes. He sits them down and the octopus fumbles with it for a minute and sits it down with a confused look. "Ha!" the Scot says. "Can you not play it?"

The octopus looks up at him and says, "Play it? I'm going to shag it as soon as I figure out how to get its pajamas off."
 

One day some rabbits got together and discussed the problem about cars.

Last week alone 6 rabbits had been killed by them.

All the rabbits dicussed it and came up with nothing that could sort the problem.

The rabbit leader said that they would just have to be more careful crossing the road.

Then, two little rabbits came up and said, 'what we do when we see a car coming, is in-line ourselves with the middle of the headlights and duck down, that way the car just goes straight over the top of us.'

The rabbit leader thought about this and said, 'we shall all go out and test this for a week and then return here to discuss how well it worked.

Anyway a week later all the rabbits returned except the leader. They waited and waited but he did not come.

Then the second leader came in and said, 'well it was Tuesday evening and we were testing out the method. I lined myself with the car zooming towards me and ducked, the car went straight over the top.

Then the leader had a go, he enlined himself with the middle of the headlights and ducked. But by god it was a three wheeler.
 

Three bulls are in the pasture complaining. They've heard a rumor that the farmer is bringing in a new bull, and they aren't happy about sharing any of their cows.

The Alpha bull says, "You know, since we settled our differences and split up the cows, I've been pretty happy with MY 120 cows. I am not about to share any of MY cows with this new bull."

The second toughest bull says, "Yeah, well I ended up with only 60 cows, so I can't afford to share any of MY cows."

The youngest bull says, "I may only be half as big as you guys, but I'm still a teenager. I'm already climbing the walls with just 20 cows."

Suddenly a huge, black tractor-trailer pulls into the yard. The entire trailer contains just one animal - the biggest, baddest bull you ever saw. He weighs 3,000 pounds and has horns four feet long. As the new bull strolls down the gangplank, the
two-inch thick metal plates actually sag under his weight.

Suddenly the former Alpha bull is a bit more flexible, "Well, maybe I could spare a FEW cows."

The second toughest bull says, "Maybe if I hide in the corner of the pasture, he'll leave me alone."

But the small, teenage bull is snorting, pawing the ground and shaking his fledgling horns in an extremely confrontational way.

Worried about the reckless youngster, the two older bulls trot over to the young bull and say, "Listen, son. It's not worth dying for. Just give the new bull your 20 cows."

 

In the middle of a forest, there was a hunter who was suddenly confronted with a huge, mean bear.

In all his fears, his attempt to shoot the bear was unsuccessful.

He turned away and started to run as fast as he could.

Finally, he ended up at the edge of a very steep cliff. His hopes were dim.

But, he got on his knees, opened his arms and said, "My God! Please give this bear some religion!"

Then, there was a lightning in the air and the bear stopped just a few feet short of the hunter.

The bear was puzzled and looked up in the air and said, "My God!

Thank you for the food I am about to receive...."
 

An explorer was flying over Africa and his plane crashed.

Luckily a witch doctor came and found him and brought him back to his village.

When the explorer became conscious again the witch docter told the explorer,

"I have some good news and some bad news." So the explorer says,

"Well, whats the bad news?"

"The bad news is that in the plane crash you lost your eye, your arm, and your dingy."

The explorer asks, "Whats the good news?"

I am a animal transplanter and when you were unconscious I trasplanted animal parts to you."

The explorer asks, "Is there any way I can thank you???" "Just check in with me in 2 weeks."

When the explorer goes back to see the witch docter he says, "I love this eye I can see a sparrow scratching his ass 40 yards away!! what is it???"

"That eye would be an eagle eye."

"Oh I love it. And this arm I can lift a car with this arm!!! What is it???"

"That's a gorilla arm." "I like this one too.

There is only one thing wrong about the dingy you gave me."

Well what seems to be the problem?" "You see, I love it, the ladies love it, but it keeps shoving grass up my ass?? What is it???"

"That would be an elephant trunk."
 

LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD

One day Little Red Riding Hood was going to visit Grandma.

On the way she met Mickey Mouse. He asked her where she was going.?

She said "I'm going to visit grandma."

He said "You don't want to do that because the wolf is waiting on you. And he's going to rip your little red dress off, & rip your little red shoes off and rape you till your little red socks come off."

She said "Oh, no he's not, because I have a gun!"

And she went on her way and then met Goofy.

He also asked her where she was going?

She said "I'm going to visit grandma." He said "You don't want to do that because the wolf is waiting on you. And he's going to rip your little red dress off, & rip your little red shoes off and rape you till your little red socks come off."

She said "Oh, no he's not, because I have a gun!"

Well, when she got to Grandma's house and knocked on the door, the wolf answered, "Who is it?"

She said, "It's me Little Red Riding Hood. "He said "oh, good, I've been waiting for you." He opened the door and said "Now I'm going to rip your little red dress off, & rip your little red shoes off and rape you till your little red socks come off."

She said, "Oh no you're not," pulled out her gun and said "You're going to eat me just like the book said!!!"
 

One night, a man heard howls coming from his basement and went down to discover a female cat being raped by a mouse.

Fascinated, he gained the mouse's confidence with some cheese and then took him next door, where there was a large female German shepherd dog, with which the mouse repeated his amazing performance.

The fellow, very excited by this time, was dying to show someone his discovery.

He rushed home and woke up his wife; but before he could explain, she saw the mouse, screamed and covered her head with the blankets. :

But darling," said the man, "wait until I tell you about this" "Don't come any nearer," shrieked his spouse. "Just get that sex maniac out of here!"
 

A team of detectives arrived at the business executive's New York penthouse apartment and were admitted by a butler.

"Mr James," one told the businessman, "we have some good news and some bad news about your missing wife."

"You'd better give me the bad news first."

"We found her floating face down in the East River this afternoon with eight large lobsters clinging to her body."

"Oh, poor Sandra," the man sighed. "What's the good news?

We're sending her back out in the morning."
 

Do you know where you get virgin wool from.

Ugly Sheep.

A man is driving through the country.

Just as it's getting dark his front left tire goes flat, and he is without a spare. He walks up to the nearest house and asks to spend the night.

Thefarmer, being a generous soul, says, "Sure thing, but only on one condition. I'll be putting you in the same bed as my daughter, but I don't want you touching her. So I'm going to put a row of eggs between the two of you to make sure there's no messing about."

The man sees no problem with this, and the farmer treats him to dinner.

The daughter is there, and the man sees that she is the most beautiful woman that he has ever seen. He can't keep his eyes off her, and she can't keep her eyes off him.

That night, they make wild passionate love on the bed, breaking eggs and spilling yolk everywhere.

In order to fool the farmer, the man and the farmer's daughter come up with a plan. It takes all night, but they manage to get all of the eggs glued back together by sunrise. They then fall asleep, exhausted. The next morning the farmer wakes them up and collects the eggs.He goes into the kitchen and proceeds to make breakfast. Thef armer cracks the first egg... nothing. He cracks the second egg... nothing. By this time the farmer's face is getting red.He cracks a third egg... nothing.

In a rage, the farmer gets out his rifle, runs right past the startled man, and shoots the chickens.
 

A ONE BAGGER

The Atlanta Zoo had a female gorilla.

This female gorilla was really getting horny and the zoo had no one to take care of her.

One day they decided to advertise in the paper for someone who would "take care" of this female gorilla. They started at $200.00 but got no response.

Finally, at $1000.00 a guy answered the ad. The guy looked at the gorilla and told the zoo keeper that he would do it, if, they would put a bag over the gorilla's head. The zoo keeper agreed.

So they put a bag over the gorilla's head and the guy got into the cage. Well this gorilla was extremely horny. She grabbed the guy and started making love to him every way you could imagine. They were bouncing off the walls, up and down the cage, making love wildly. All of a sudden the guy started yelling at the top of his voice,

"Get it off! Get it off! So the attendants jumped in the cage and pulled the gorilla off.

The guy yelled, "What the hell are you doing?!" "You said to get it off." The guy says, "Hell, I meant the bag, I wanna kiss the bitch!"
 

A woman on her way home from market was carrying a duck.

A drunk staggered up to her and said ,"Hey! where'd ja get the pig?"

The woman replied," You drunken fool, that's no pig -- it's a duck!"

And the drunk said," Quiet, I was talking to the duck."
 

An Eagle is circling at about 5,000 ft. when he spies a field mouse down below him.

He dives down and eats the mouse.

After a little while the mouse works his way out the eagles butt.

Proceeding to look around the mouse says Tail gunner to pilot...Tail gunner to pilot..

The eagle says what do you want.

The mouse asks how high up they are.

The eagle thinks for a moment and then says oh! about 5,000 ft.

The mouse then replies You wouldn't be shittin me now would ya??
 

The Top 20 Reasons Dogs Don't Use Computers

20 Can't stick their heads out of Windows '95.

19 Fetch command not available on all platforms.

18 Hard to read the monitor with your head cocked to one side.

17 Too difficult to "mark" every website they visit.

16 Can't help attacking the screen when they hear "You've Got Mail."

15 Fire hydrant icon simply frustrating.

14 Involuntary tail wagging is dead giveaway they're browsing www.pethouse.com instead of working.

13 Keep bruising noses trying to catch that MPEG frisbee.

12 Not at all fooled by Chuckwagon Screen Saver.

11 Still trying to come up with an "emoticon" that signifies tail-wagging.

10 Oh, but they WILL... ...with the introduction of the Microsoft Opposable Thumb.

9 Three words: Corpal Paw Syndrome

8 'Cause dogs ain't GEEKS! Now, cats, on the other hand...

7 Barking in next cube keeps activating YOUR voice recognition software.

6 SmellU-SmellMe still in beta test.

5 SIT & STAY were hard enough, GREP & AWK are out of the question!

4 Saliva-coated mouse gets mighty difficult to maneuver.

3 Annoyed by lack of newsgroup, alt.pictures.master's.leg.

2 Butt-sniffing more direct and less deceiving than online chat rooms.

and the Number 1 Reason Dog's Don't Use Computers....

1" TrO{gO DsA mM,bN HyAqR4tDc TgrOo TgYPmE"
** It's Too Damn Hard To Type With Paws.
 

A salesman comes up to a farmer in his barnyard. Next to the farmer is a pig with three legs.

As the pig hobbles around, the salesman says to the farmer, "That's terrible! Why don't you put that pig out of his misery?"

The farmer drew a deep breath and said, "Let me tell you about that pig. One night, my house caught fire and that pig ran through the house, woke everybody up and got us out safely."

"That's no reason to let him suffer!", said the salesman.

"That's true", said the farmer. "But there's more. One day, my tractor flipped over. That pig ran back to the house and got help for me. He saved my life."

"I'm sure he's very talented", said the salesman, "But look at him. He can hardly walk. Why don't you just take him to a vet and have him put to sleep?"

The farmer looked at the salesman and shook his head. "Listen buddy, if you had a pig that was that good, would you eat him all at once?
 

Penguin's car has been running rough for weeks, so he finally decides to take it in and have a mechanic check it out.

"Can you have a look at this? It's running really rough," he says.

"No problem," replies the mechanic. "But I won't be able to get around to it for a half-hour."

Rather than sitting in the shop's rather unpleasant waiting room, Penguin decides to take a stroll down the street, where he happens upon an ice cream shop. Not having eaten all day, he orders a triple scoop of vanilla, which he consumes with reckless abandon.

"Man, that was good," Penguin says to himself with a mess of ice cream dripping off his beak.

When Penguin arrives back at the shop, the mechanic greets him with the bad news.
"It looks like you blew a seal," he says, nodding his head.

"Oh... no... that's just ice cream," replies Penguin.
 

There was this blind guy waiting at the bus stop when a dog came along, sniffed his leg and peed all over it.

The blind guy pulled out a piece of candy and put it down to the dog.

A passer-by saw the spectacle and promptly went over to the blind man. "What are you doing," the stranger asked, "You're not going to give that dog a piece of candy for peeing on you, are you?"

"No man," said the blind guy, " I want to know which end is his head so I can kick it in the ass."
 

Young Dave was courting Mabel, who lived on an adjoining farm out west in cattle country.

One evening, as they were sitting on Dave's porch watching the sun go down over the hills, Dave noticed his prize bull doing the business on one of his cows.

He sighed in contentment at this idyllic rural scene and figured the omens were right for him to put the hard word on Mabel.

He leaned in close and whispered in her ear, "Mabel, I'd sure like to be doing what that bull is doing."

"Well then, why don't you? "Mabel whispered back. "It is YOUR cow."
 

A man is sitting at home one evening when the doorbell rings.

When he answers the door, a 6 foot tall cockroach is standing there.

The cockroach immediately punches him between the eyes & scampers off...

The next evening, the man is sitting at home when the doorbell rings.

When he answers the door, the cockroach is there again. This time, it punches him, kicks him and karate chops him before running away...

The third evening, the man is sitting at home when the doorbell rings.
When he answers the door, the cockroach is there yet again. It leaps at him and stabs him several times before making off.

The gravely injured man manages to crawl to the telephone and summon an ambulance. He is rushed to intensive care and they save his life..
.
The next morning, the doctor is doing his rounds. He asks our hero what happened, so the man explains about the 6 foot cockroach’s attacks, culminating in the near fatal stabbing.

The doctor thinks for a moment and says, “Yes, there is a nasty bug going around.”

How do you kill a blue elephant?
Shoot it with a blue elephant gun.
How do you kill a pink elephant?
Choke it until it turns blue, then shoot it with a blue elephant gun.
 

A young boy goes off to college, but about 1/3 way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered what money his parents gave him. "hmmmm," he wonders, "how am I gonna get more dough?"

Then he gets an idea.

He calls his father.

"Dad," he says, "you won't believe the wonders that modern education are coming up with! Why, they actually have a program here that will teach Fido how to talk!"

"Why that's absolutely amazing!" his father says. "How do I get him in that program?"

"Just send him down here with $1000," the boy says, "I'll get him into the course." So his father sends the dog and the $1000.

About 2/3 way through the semester, the money runs out.

So he calls his father again.

"So how's Fido doing, son?" his father asks.

"Awesome, dad, he's talking up a storm, but you just won't believe this - now they have a program here that will teach Fido to READ!"

"READ!" says his father, "That's amazing! What do I have to do to get him in that program?"

"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class."

So his father sends the money....

At the end of the semester, the boy has a problem. When he gets home, his father will find out the dog can neither talk nor read.

So he shoots the dog.

When he gets home, his father is all excited.

"Where's Fido? I just can't wait to hear him talk and listen to him read something!"

"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news.

This morning when I got out of the shower, Fido was in the living room kicking back in the recliner and reading the morning paper, like he usually does.

Then he turned to me and asked 'So, is your daddy still messin' around with that little redhead that lives down on Oak Street?' "

His father says "I hope you SHOT that lyin' sack of trash!"
 

"Jim-Bob and Jethro, are hanging out in the lone bar in a one-horse town in northern Idaho, when a local rancher walks in carrying a wolf pelt. 

"Good work!" says the bartender. 

He pops the cash register open, pulls out a wad of bills, and puts them into the rancher's outstretched hand.

After the rancher leaves, Jim-Bob asks the bartender, "What was that all about?" 

The barkeep says, "Haven't you boys heard? We got us a real wolf problem in these parts, and the county ain't done a thing about it. Why, just last week, a pack of the damn varmints come onta my property and laid waste t'my chicken coop.

Ol' Man Miller down the road even lost four of his cattle to the blood thirsty beasts! They're vicious, and they got no fear -- and they gotta be stopped.

So I'm offerin' a bounty -- a hundred dollars to anybody who brings in a wolf pelt."

Jim-Bob and Jethro look at each other, and immediately race out of the bar to go hunt wolves. 

After wandering around the hills for several hours, they finally spot a lone wolf in the distance. Jethro takes aim with his rifle and shoots the wolf dead. 

The two fellas sprint over to where the carcass lay, and Jim-Bob gets busy with the pelt.

Suddenly, Jethro says, "Hey, Jim-Bob, look."  "Not now," says Jim-Bob, "I'm busy." 

Jethro tugs on his sleeve and says, "Jim-Bob, I think you really ought to see this." 

"Not now!" Jim-Bob says again. "Can't you see I've got a hundred dollars in my hands?" 

Jethro voice starts to waver. "Jim-Bob, please, just look!" 

Jim-Bob stops and looks up: 

The two men are surrounded by a pack of wolves -- at least fifty in all, every one of them growling, drooling, gnashing their teeth, and licking their chops. Jim-Bob takes in the sight and gasps: "Oh, my God... ....  ... ... We're gonna be rich!"
 

Each evening bird lover Tom stood in his backyard, hooting like an owl - and one night, an owl finally called back to him.

For a year, the man and his feathered friend hooted back and forth. He even kept a log of the "conversation."

Just as he thought he was on the verge of a breakthrough in interspecies communication, his wife had a chat with her next door neighbor. "My husband spends his nights calling out to owls," she said. "That's odd," the neighbor replied. "So does my husband."

"Doctor," he said sadly, "I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to cut off my dog's tail."

The vet stepped back, "Bert, why should I do such a terrible thing?"

"Because my mother-in-law's arriving tomorrow, and I don't want anything to make her think she's welcome."

 

A woman has a dog who snores in his sleep and keeps her and her husband awake at night.

She goes to the vet to see if he can help. The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles and he will stop snoring.

Of course the woman is very skeptical in believing this and goes home.

A few hours after going to bed the dog is snoring as usual.

Finally getting very frustrated, she goes to closet and grabs a piece of ribbon, ties it around the dogs testicles, and sure enough the dog stops snoring.

The woman is amazed.

Later that night her husband returns from being out with his friends and he is very drunk. He climbs into bed, falls asleep, and begins snoring very loudly.

The woman is desperate and thinks maybe the ribbon will work on him. She goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of ribbon, and ties it around her husbands testicles.

Amazingly it also works on him. The woman falls asleep again and sleeps very soundly.

The next morning the husband wakes up very hung over. He stumbles into the bathroom to urinate. As he is standing in front of the toilet, he looks in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his scrotum.

He is very confused. He walks back into the bedroom and sees a a similar ribbon attached to his dogs scrotum.

He looks at the dog and says "Boy, I don't remember what the hell happened!
 

"How long has your wife believed she's a chicken?" asked the psychiatrist asked the husband.

"Three years, doc."

"Three years! Why did you wait so long before bringing her in to see me?"

"Well, we really need the eggs
 

Rush Limbaugh and his chauffeur were out driving in the country and accidentally hit and killed a pig that had wandered out on a country road.

Limbaugh told the chauffeur to drive up to the farm and apologize to the farmer.

They drove up to the farm, the chauffeur got out and knocked on the front door and was let in. He was in there for what seemed hours.

When he came out, Limbaugh was confused about why his employee had been there so long. "Well, first the farmer shook my hand, then he offered me a beer, then his wife brought me some cookies, and his daughter showered me with kisses," explained the driver.

"What did you tell the farmer?" Limbaugh asked.

The chauffeur replied, "I told him that I was Rush Limbaugh's driver and I'd just killed the pig."
 

Father my dog just died, the woman sobbed. Will you bury it for me?

Madam, the priest replied, it has never been the, nor will it ever be , the practice of the Catholic Church to hold services for a dog.

I'm sorry to hear that. I would have paid five thousand dollars for it.

Wait a minute, the priest said. You didn't tell me the dog was catholic.
 

A woman went into a pet shop to buy her boyfriend a pet. After looking around she realized that all the pets there were very expensive. A clerk came up and asked if there's something he could help her with.

"I wanted to buy my boyfriend a pet, but all of yours are so expensive!" She says.

"Well," said the clerk, "I have a huge bullfrog in the back for $50.00. Would you like to see it?"

"$50.00?? For a Frog??" said the woman.

The clerk said, "It's a special frog. It's gives blowjobs."

So, the woman decides to buy the frog. She takes it home to her boyfriend, explains the frog and they're both happy. The woman goes to bed. Around two in the morning she is awakened by pots and pans banging around in the kitchen. She gets up to go see what's going on and when she gets to the kitchen she sees her boyfriend and the frog sitting at the kitchen table looking through cookbooks.

"What are you two doing looking through cookbooks at this hour?" says the woman.

The guy looks up at her and says, "Well, if I can teach this frog to cook, your ass is out of here!!!"
 

Having arrived at the edge of the river, the fisherman soon realized he had forgotten to bring any bait.

Just then he happened to see a little snake passing by who had caught a worm.

The fisherman snatched up the snake and robbed him of his worm.

Feeling sorry for the little snake with no lunch, he snatched him up again and poured a little beer down his throat.

Then he went about his fishing.

An hour or so later the fisherman felt a tug at his pant leg.

Looking down, he saw the same snake with three more worms in his mouth...
 

A flock of sheep are grazing in a field, happily going "baa baa" to each other, discussing life as usual, when suddenly they hear a "moo mooooooooooooooooooo!"
They look around and see only sheep.

They carry on grazing as before. "Moooooo mooooooooooo mmmoooo!"

One sheep can hear it all too clearly next to him.

He shuffles away a little from his friend, a worried look on his face, and then asks "Wooley, why are you mooing? You're a sheep. Sheep go 'baa!'"

His friend replies gladly: " I know... I just thought I would learn a foreign language!"
 

Some tourists in the Museum of Natural History are marveling at the dinosaur bones.
One of them asks the guard, "Can you tell me how old the dinosaur bones are?"

The guard replies, "They are three million, four years, and six months old."

"That's an awfully exact number," says the tourist. "How do you know their age so precisely?"

The guard answers, "Well, the dinosaur bones were three million years old when I started working here, and that was about four and a half years ago."
 

A fella was in the market to buy some acreage.

He found just what he was looking for, but it was a little expensive.

During an inspection of the property, however, he found a hive of bees.

He told the owner that he was deathly afraid of bees, and there was no way he could consider this piece of land.

The landowner assured him that the bees were completely harmless, and expressed his confidence that his bees were friendly.

The buyer would have no part of it.

Finally, the landowner made an offer. If The buyer would allow himself to be tied to a tree for an hour, nude, under the nest, and if even ONE bee were to sting him, then the farmer would give him the farm for free.

The buyer thought it over and decided it worth the risk. An hour later, the farmer walked out to the tree and saw the poor buyer slumped over.

Fearing the worst, he ran up to him and asked him if he had been stung. The city fella looked up and weakly said, “No, but doesn’t that calf have a mother?”
 

A little turtle begins to limb a tree slowly. After many long hours of effort, he reaches the top and jumps into the air waving his front legs, until reaches heavily into the ground with a hard knock over his shell.

After recovering his consciousness, he starts to climb the tree again, jumps again, and knocks the ground heavily again. The little turtle insisted again and again after each knock, while a couple of birds sitting at the edge of a branch, looking the turtle with pain.. suddenly the female bird says to the male: ”Hey dear, I think it’s time to tell our little turtle he is adopted”
 

The 3 bears had been having some trouble recently and had ended up in family court.

Momma and Poppa bear were splitting up, and baby bear had to decide who he was going to live with.

So, the judge wanted to talk to baby bear to see what he thought about living with either of his parents.

When he asked baby bear about living with his father, baby bear said:
“No, I can’t live with Poppa bear, he beats me terribly.”

“OK,”said the judge“you want to live with your mother,right?”
“No way!” replied baby bear, “She beats me worse than Poppa.”

The judge was a bit confused by this, and didn’t know what to do.
“You have to live with someone, so are there any relatives you would like to stay with?” asked the judge.

“Yes,” answered baby bear, “my aunt Bertha bear who lives in Chicago.”

“You’re sure she will treat you well and won’t beat you?” asked the judge.

“Oh definitely,” said baby bear, “the Chicago Bears don’t beat anybody.”
 

An American couple on vacation with some friends in Mexico were shopping at the market to bring back a few souvenirs to their family and friends. The time passed and the couple realize thatneither of them were wearing watches. They noticed this Mexican man laying down taking a siesta next to this mule that had the largest set of mule nuts they had ever seen.

Trying not to stare at the huge mule nuts they asked the Mexican man, "Excuse us could you tell us what time it is?"

The Mexican man reaches his hand out under the enormous set of nuts lifting them high and says, "It's 3 o'clock."

Amazed by this the American couple go off to find their friends and tell them the amazing story. This Mexican man over there can tell time by lifting his mules balls! Curious and amazed by this the friends want to see first hand so they go back and ask him what time it was.

Sure enough the Mexican man reaches out again cups his hands under the mules nuts lifts them up as if to weigh them and says, "It is 3:15." Their friends check the time on their watches and sure enough the little man was correct.

Blown away by this finally the American couple ask, "It is just amazing how do you do that?"

"Do what?" the Mexican asks.

"Tell the time by lifting your mule's balls!"

"Ah," Says the Mexican, "I just need to lift his balls so I can see that big clock across the street."
 

Q: What do you get when you cross Lassie with a pitbull?
A: A dog that bites your leg off and runs for help!

Q: How do you keep a dog from trying to hump your leg?
A: Pick him up and give him a blow job.
 

A cowboy was riding his horse across his pasture.

A snake spooked his horse and bucked the cowboy off.

The cowboy cursed at the snake and yelled "Don't bite me!"

The snake said "Don't worry, I'm a genie snake, I can give you three wishes. What would you like me to grant you?"

The cowboy thought a minute. "A million dollars in the bank."
The snake said, "Granted, next."

Again the cowboy thought. Then said "I want to go home to the most beautiful, intelligent, and obedient wife in the world."
The snake said, "Granted, next."

He considered his last wish for a moment, then with a great big smile on his face he said "I want to be hung like my horse."
The snake said "Granted" and slithered off.

The cowboy got on his horse and rode home as fast as the horse would take him. He ran into the house and into his bedroom.

There stretched across his bed in a sexy negligee was the most beautiful woman in the world.

So he picked up the phone called the bank and asked for his balance. The bank told him he had one million and forty nine dollars.

He rushed into the bathroom. Unzipped his pants and let out the most blood curdling cry, "Omigawd! I forgot I was riding Old Nellie!"
 

There was a fly buzzing around a barn one day when he happened to land on a pile of fresh cow manure.

Due to the fact that it had been hours since his last meal, he flew down and began to eat.

He ate and ate and ate.

Finally, he decided he had eaten enough and tried to fly away.

He had eaten too much though and could not get off the ground.

As he looked around wondering what to do now, he spotted a pitchfork leaning up against the wall. He climbed to the top of the handle and jumped off , thinking that once he got airborne, he would be able to take flight. Unfortunately he was wrong and dropped like a rock, spattering when he hit the floor.

The moral to the story is: Never fly off the handle when you're full of shit!
 

A rabbit one day managed to break free from the laboratory where he had been born and brought up.

As he scurried away from the fencing of the compound, he felt grass under his little feet and saw the dawn breaking for the first time in his life. '

Wow, this is great,' he thought. It wasn't long before he came to a hedge and, after squeezin under it he saw a wonderful sight lots of other bunny rabbits, all free and nibbling at the lush grass.

'Hey,' he called. 'I'm a rabbit from the laboratory and I've just escaped.

Are you wild rabbits?

'Yes. Come and join us,' they cried.

Our friend hopped over to them and started eating the grass. It tasted so good.

'What else do you wild rabbits do?' he asked.

'Well,' one of them said. 'You see that field there? It's got carrots growing in it. We dig them up and eat them.'

This, he couldn't resist and he spent the next hour eating the most succulent carrots. They were wonderful.

Later, he asked them again, 'What else you do?'

'You see that field there? It's got lettuce growing in it. We eat them as well.'

The lettuce tasted just as good and he returned a while later completely full.

'Is there anything else you guys do?' he asked.
One of the other rabbits came a bit closer to him and spoke softly.

'There's one other thing you must try. You see those rabbits there,' he said, pointing to the far corner of the field. 'They're girls. We shag them. Go and try it.'

Well, our friend spent the rest of the morning screwing his little heart out until, completely knackered, he staggered back over to the guys.

'That was fantastic,' he panted.

'So are you going to live with us then?' one of them asked.

'I'm sorry, I had a great time but I can't.'

The wild rabbits all stared at him, a bit surprised. 'Why? We thought you liked it here.'

'I do,' our friend replied. 'But I must get back to the laboratory. I'm dying for a cigarette.'
 

This fundamentalist Christian couple felt it important to own an equally fundamentally Christian pet.

So, they went shopping.

At a kennel specializing in this particular breed, they found a dog they liked quite a lot.

When they asked the dog to fetch the Bible, he did it in a flash. When they instructed him to look up Psalm 23, he complied equally fast, using his paws with dexterity. They were impressed, purchased the animal, and went home (piously, of course).

That night they had friends over. They were so proud of their new fundamentalist dog and his major skills, they called the dog and showed off a little.

The friends were impressed, and asked whether the dog was able to do any of the usual dog tricks, as well.

This stopped the couple cold, as they hadn't thought about "normal" tricks. Well, they said, "let's try this out."

Once more they called the dog, and they clearly pronounced the command, "Heel!"

Quick as a wink, the dog jumped up, put his paw on the man's forehead, closed his eyes in concentration, and bowed his head.
 

A woman gets up, puts up the shade, takes the cover off the parrot's cage, makes coffee, and smokes a cigarette.

Suddenly the phone rings, her boyfriend saying he's coming over.

She snubs out the cigarette, pulls down the shade, unplugs the coffee pot, puts the cover back on the parrot's cage, and gets back into bed.

From under cover, the parrot mutters, "Well that was a short frickin' day!"
 

A guy walks into a bar with a giraffe under one arm. He walks up to the bar, places the giraffe on the floor and orders a beer.

The bartender gets the guy his drink and then says, "Hey, you can't leave dat lyin' there!"

The guy gives the bartender a weird look and says, "It's not a lion, it's a giraffe."
 

The Top 15 Adult Videos for Animals

15 Deep Goat

14 The Bitches of Beastwick

13 A Street Cat Name Desire

12 Behind the Screen Door

11 Sniffing Ryan's Privates

10 Squirrel, Interruptus

9 Dog-Style Afternoon

8 Pantin'

7 The Triple Crown Affair

6 Mounting Python & the Holy Tail

5 South Bark: Bigger, Longer, and Unspayed

4 Hen in Black

3 Honey, I Humped the Squids

2 The Pelican's Briefs

1 Kitty Kitty Gang Bang
 

Rated G

Woaaa.
A farmer lived on a quiet rural highway. But, as time went by, the traffic slowly built up at an alarming rate.

The traffic was so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day.

So one day he called the sheriff's office and said, You've got to do something about all of these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens."

"What do you want me to do?" asked the sheriff.

"I don't care, just do something about those drivers."

So the next day he had the county go put up a sign that said:

SLOW: SCHOOL CROSSING.

Three days later the farmer called the sheriff and said, "You've got to do something about these drivers. The 'school crossing' sign seems to make them go faster." So, again, the sheriff sends out the county and they put up a new sign:

SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY.

And that really sped them up. So the farmer called and called and called everyday for three weeks.

Finally, he asked the sheriff, "Your signs are doing no good. Is it all right for me to put up my own sign?"

The sheriff told him, "Sure thing, put up your own sign." He was going to let the farmer do just about anything in order to have him stop calling. Well, the sheriff got no more calls from the farmer.

Three weeks after the farmers last call, the sheriff decided to call him. "How's the problem with those drivers.

Did you put up your sign?"

"Oh, I sure did. And not one chicken has been killed since then. I've got to go. I'm very busy." And he hung up the phone.

The sheriff thought to himself, "I'd better go to that farmer's house and look at that sign... There might be something there that WE could use to slow down drivers..." So the sheriff drove out to the farmer's house, and he saw the sign. It was a whole sheet of plywood. And written in large yellow letters were the words:

SLOW: NUDIST COLONY.
 

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of lager and a ham sandwich.

The landlord looks at him and says, "But you're a duck" 

"I see you're eyes are working" replies the duck. 

"And you talk!" exclaims the landlord. 

"I see you're ears are working" says the duck, "now can I have my beer and my sandwich please?" 

"Certainly," says the landlord, " ...sorry about that, it's just we don't get many talking ducks in this pub.

What are you doing round this way?" 

"Oh, I'm working on the construction site across the street" says the duck. I’m a plasterer.

So the duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich and leaves. 

This continues for about 2 weeks.

Then one day the circus comes to town.

The ring leader of the circus comes into the pub and the landlord says to him; "You're with the circus aren't you? 

“Yes” says the ringleader,

“Well” the landord excitedly said “I know this duck that would be just brilliant in your circus, he talks, drinks beer, he’s smart and everything!" 

"Sounds marvellous" says the ringleader, "get him to give me a call."

So the next day, the duck comes into the pub. 

The landlord says, "Hey Mr Duck. I reckon I can line you up with a top job. Paying real good money!" 

"Yeah?" says the duck, "Sounds great, where is it?" 

"At the circus" says the landlord. 

"The circus?" the duck enquires. 

"That's right" replies the landlord. 

"The circus? That place with the big tent? With all the animals? With the big canvas roof with the hole in the middle 

"That's right!" says the landlord

The duck sits there and just looks confused. "What the hell do they want with a plasterer?"
 

When the ark's door was closed, Noah called a meeting with all the animals and said in a demanding voice:

"Listen up kids! There will be NO sex on this trip.

Not even the wetting of the tip of your penis.

All of you males, take off your penises and hand them to Jim the Monkey.

He will write you a receipt. After we see land, you can get your penis back."

After about a week, Mr. Rabbit ran over to his wife and very excitedly said, "Quick! Get on my shoulders and look out the window to see if there is any land out there!"

Mrs. Rabbit got onto his shoulders, looked out the window and said, "Sorry, no land yet."

"Shit!" shouted Mr. Rabbit and out he went.

This went on every day until Mrs. Rabbit got fed up with him.

"What is the matter with you? You know it will rain for forty days and nights. Only after the water had drained will we be able to see land. But why are you acting so excited every day?"

"Look!" said Mr. Rabbit with an impatient look on his face as he held out a piece of paper. "I GOT THE DONKEY'S RECEIPT!"
 

Once, while driving around in my pickup with my pet donkey in the back, I discovered I had a flat tire.

I got out and had the donkey stick its head under the bumper and lift the truck.

A passing farmer asked, "Hey, that’s a pretty clever trick.

How did you teach your donkey to lift the truck?"

I replied, "Its a simple matter of the breed; this is a jack ass!""
 

A lady opened her refrigerator and saw a rabbit sitting on one of the shelves.

"What are you doing in there?" she asked.

The rabbit replied: "This is a Westinghouse, isn't it?"

The lady replied, "Yes."

"Well," the rabbit said, "I'm westing".
 

Tarzan gets in a terrible fight with a ferocious lion and loses an eye, an arm, and his penis.

The animals of the jungle nurse Tarzan back to health.

They give him the eye of a hawk, the arm of a gorilla, and for a penis, they give him a baby elephant's trunk.

After about a week, Cheetah, comes up to Tarzan and says, "How Tarzan like new parts?"

Tarzan says, "Eye good... Tarzan see far, clear.....arm good.....long strong.....but Tarzan not crazy about new weinie.....all day long, pick weeds, stuff up Tarzan's ass."
 

Top 16 Movies of the Taco Bell Chihuahua

16 Looking for Mr. Goodfood

14 Somethin’ Humping My Left Foot

13 Ground Dog Day

12 Old Yeller Meat

11 TACO: Rules of Engorgement

10 Forty-Nine Dog Years in Tibet

8 Stephen King's Pet Dysentery

7 My Best Friend's Shedding

6 Sniff the Girls Good-bye

5 Nacho Born Killers

4 He Got Mange

2 Gag the Dog

1 From Here to the Fire Hydrant Seems Like an Eternity
 

What’s a Bear gotta do to get a Beer around Here?

A bear goes into a bar and asks for a beer.

The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve beers to bears in this bar."

..The bear bangs on the bar.

The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve beers to bears in this bar, especially not bears who bang on bars."

..The bear grabs a barmaid and bashes her.

The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve beers to bears in this bar, especially not bears who bang bars and bash barmaids."

..The bear bellows at the other bartender to bring him a beer.

The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve beers to bears in this bar, especially not bears who bang on bars, bash barmaids and bellow at bartenders."

..Exasperated, the bear bites the bar.

The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve beers to bears who are on drugs."

..The bear says, "Huh?"

The bartender says, "You can't fool me--I saw the bar-bit-u-ate."
 

A woman hurried into a shop, picked up a can of fly-spray, handed it to the assistant and asked, “Is this this good for wasps?” 

After looking at it for a moment, he replied, “No madam, it will kill them.”
 

A young man from the city went to visit his farmer uncle. For the first few days, the uncle showed him the usual things- chickens, cows, crops, etc. After three days, however, it was obvious that the nephew was getting bored, and the uncle was running out ofthings to amuse him with.

Finally, the uncle had an idea. "Why don't you grab a gun, take the dogs, and go shooting?"

This seemed to cheer the nephew up, and with enthusiasm, off he went, dogs in trail.

After a few hours, the nephew returned. "How did you enjoy that?" asked the uncle.

"It was great!" exclaimed the nephew. "Got any more dogs?"
 

A New York boy was being led through the swamps of Louisiana by his cousin.

"Is it true that an alligator won't attack you if you carry a flashlight?"

The cousin smirked and replied, "Depends on how fast ya carry the flashlight."
 

"Old Jetro's next door's a-makin' moonshine again." the wife told her husband.

"How can you tell?" he asked. "Did you smell it? "

Nope. But a bunch of mice from over to his place came over here this morning and beat the tarnation outta our cats."
 

How do you kill a blue elephant?

Shoot it with a blue elephant gun.

How do you kill a pink elephant?

Choke it until it turns blue, then shoot it with a blue elephant gun.
 

A woman goes into a store and buys a beautiful green and blue parrot.

But the only words the parrot knows how to say is "Who is it?"

She takes the parrot home, and soon realizes that the bird's color clashes with the living room.

So she calls an Interior Decorator, who says he will come by shortly.

The Decorator eventually shows up, but the woman is out shopping.

He knocks on the door, and the parrot says "Who is it?"

The man says, "It's the decorator."

The parrot says, "Who is it?"

The man repeats, "It's the decorator."

The parrot says, "Who is it?"

The man yells, "It's the decorator!!!"

The parrot says, "Who is it?"

The man screams, "The decorator, I said, THREE TIMES!!"..... The decorator gets so mad, that he pops a blood vessel, and dies on the spot.

The lady comes home and finds a dead man lying on her front porch.

She says, "Oh my goodness... who is it?"

The parrot says, "It's the decorator!"
 

Q: Why did the ant fall off the toilet bowl?

A: He got pissed off.
 

What do you call an Amish man on the side of the road, with his hand up a horse's ass?

A mechanic.
 

A blind man walked into a bank with his seeing-eye dog that guided him everywhere. He walked into the center of the bank floor, took the dog by the chain, and started swinging him around his head.

Everyone stopped what they were doing and looked.

The other customers were very confused and some very upset at the way the animal was being treated.

One of the tellers ran up to the blind man and asked, ''Sir, what are you doing!?!''

The man turned toward the teller and simply said ''Looking around.''
 

An organization is like a tree full of monkeys, all on different limbs at different levels.

Some monkeys are climbing up, some down.

The monkeys on top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces.

The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but asses.

Q: How can you tell when your dogs are kinky?

A: They start doing it in the missionary position
 

One day, a woman was walking her dog on the beach, suddenly, from nowhere, a large gang came up behind her. They didn't hurt her, they only threw the dogs ball into the water. Because the dog loved the ball so much, it went in after it. The dog started drowning. As the gang disappeared, a large German man came out as if from nowhere.

He jumped into the water and brought the dog to shore. When they arrived, he gave the mutt the kiss of life. The dog started running around with its ball on the beach again. "Thank you for saving my dog!" cried the woman happily. "Are you a vet?" The
German replied, "Of course I am vet, I've just been in the vater!"
 

Two-Cow Explanation

A CHRISTIAN DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. You keep one and give one to your neighbor.

A SOCIALIST: You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.

A REPUBLICAN: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So what?

A DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. You vote people into office who tax your cows, forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax. The people you voted for then take the tax money and buy a cow and give it to your neighbor. You feel righteous.

A COMMUNIST: You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk.

A FASCIST: You have two cows. The government seizes both and sells you the milk. You join the underground and start a campaign of sabotage.

DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your government.

CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.

BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, then pours the milk down the drain.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.

A FRENCH CORPORATION: You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.

A GERMAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You reengineer them sothey live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows but you don't know where they are. You break for lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A MEXICAN CORPORATION: You think you have two cows, but you don't know what a cow looks like. You take a nap.

A SWISS CORPORATION: You have 5000 cows, none of which belongs to you. You charge for storing them for others.

A BRAZILIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You enter into a partnership with an American corporation. Soon you have 1000 cows and the American corporation declares bankruptcy.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You worship them.
 

BLIND FAITH....

An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area.

Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse named Buddy.

He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull!"

Buddy didn't move. Then the farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull!"

Buddy didn't respond. Once more the farmer commanded,

"Pull, Coco, pull!" Nothing.

Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Buddy, pull!"

And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch.

The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times.

The farmer said, "Oh, Buddy is blind and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try!"

 

There were three mice arguing over who was the toughest.

The first mouse stated that when he got hungry, he would trip a mouse trap, eat the food, pry up the bar and get away. "I do it all the time.

The second mouse stated, "you know that stuff called "DECON"... I crush it
to a powder and snort it.

The third mouse stood up started walking out of the room.

When the other two mice asked where he was going, He hike up his pants and said, "I'm going to go screw the cat!"
 

The Panda

A panda walked into a bar. He went up to the bar and said "I'd like a steak and kidney pie and a Coke please" so the barman took his order and the
panda went to sit down.

Soon a waiter brought over his meal. The panda ate it up, thanked and tipped the waiter and paid the bill. All this seemed pretty normal until the panda pulled out a gun from the depths of his fur, pulled the trigger and BANG! shot the waiter.

The barman came over and said "Wha.. wh.. You just shot my friend!!!" the panda calmly replied "Do you know what I am?"

"Why yes," the barman answered. "You're a panda."

"Good," the panda nodded "Now go home and look up 'panda' in th dictionary." And with that, the panda walked out of the bar.

The barman was a little unsure, however he was very eager to be enlighted on the subject of his friend's murder, so he went home to find his dictionary.

After a while, he found 'panda' and quickly read the definition:

PANDA: 1. A black and white bear native to China. Eats shoots and leaves.
 

The world was stunned by the news today, of the death of the ENERGIZER BUNNY. He was six years old. Authorities believe that the death occurred at approximately 8:42 p.m. last night.

Best known as the irritating pink bunny that kept going, and going, and going. "Pinkie" as he was know to his friends and relatives, was alone at the time of his death.

An emergency autopsy was performed early this morning. Chief Medical Examiner, DURA CELL, concluded that the cause of death was acute cardiac arrest induced by sexual over stimulation. Apparently, someone has put Mr. Bunny's batteies in backwards, and he kept coming and coming and coming and coming............
 

The ants go marching one by one the little one stops to fuck his gun.
The ants go marching two by two the little one stops to fuck his shoe.
The ants go marchnig three by three the little stops to wack his pee.
The ants go marching four by four the little one stops to fuck a whore.
The ants go marching five by five the little one stops to take a dive.
The ants go marching six by six the little one stops to suck his dick.
The ants go marching seven by seven the little one says, ''Pussies from heaven.''
The ants go marchnig eight by eight the little one stops to masturbate.
The ants go marching nine by nine the little one and gets fucked from behind.
The ants go marching ten by ten the littrle one says lets do it again
 

Dog Days

A dog walks into this bar, jumps up on the stool and says to the bartender, "Hey barkeep, it's my birthday today. How 'bout a free drink?"

The bartender turns, looks at the dog and nods his head, "Sure , toilet's right down the hall."
 

A lady opened her refrigerator and saw a rabbit sitting on one of the shelves.

"What are you doing in there?" she asked.

The rabbit replied: "This is a Westinghouse, isn't it?"

The lady replied, "Yes."

"Well," the rabbit said, "I'm westing".
 

Man runs to the doctor and says, "doctor, you've got to help me...my wife thinks she's a chicken!"

Doctor says, " how long has she had this condition?"

"Two years," says the man.

"Then why did it take you so long to come and see me?"

The man shrugs his shoulders, "we needed the eggs."
 

What do you get if you cross an insect and a rabbit?

Bugs Bunny!
 

The Top Pet Peeves of Pets

~Dog: They keep putting the lid down on the big water bowl.

~Goldfish: Just because I have a three-second memory, they don't think I'll mind eating the same fish flakes... Oh boy! Fish flakes!.

~Goldfish: The wimp-ass knight never comes out of the castle to fight me for dominion over the fish tank. I am lord. So I must continue patrolling!

~Parrot: Tease, tease, tease -- but do those greedy bastards ever really give me a cracker? HELL, no!!

~Dog: Human legs that just tease.

~Cat: Why are these people in my house?

~Dog: What the... HEY!!! Where are my balls?!?!

~Goldfish: "Oh, tap-tap-tap! *There's* a new one!".

~Guppy: Every time that hot Angelfish looks this way, I've got one of those stringy turds hanging.
 

A guy walks into a diner and places an order for a bowl of chili.

The waitress says, "The guy next to you got the last bowl."

So, he gets a cup of coffee instead. Then he sees that the guy next to him has finished his meal, but the chili bowl is still full.

He asks, "Are you going to eat that?"

The other guy says, "No. You can have it."

The guy takes it and starts to eat it. When he gets about half way down, he sees a dead mouse in it, and he pukes the chili back into the bowl.

The other guy says, "That's about as far as I got, too."
 

The BIGGEST Pig

After loosing the blue ribbon in the 'Biggest Pig" contest for the tenth year in a row the farmer said; "I'm gonna win next year, even if I gotta cheat!"

He took his prize pig home, and thought about it for a couple of weeks. Finally he had a plan. He went out to the barn and stuffed a huge cork in his prize pig's ass.

"Now we'll win next year for sure!"

Over the next couple of months he fed his pig the best slop that he could find. As each week passed the pig got bigger and bigger. After six months the pig was up to 1,865 pounds.

The farmer was sure he was going to win.

Five months later at the time of the fair, the pig was up to 3,582 pounds. The farmer had to use a crane to load and get the pig to the fair grounds. The next day the pig was awarded the "Blue Ribbon".

The farmer asked if he could leave his pig at the fair grounds.

He had to find a way to get the cork out of the pigs ass, and he knew what was going to happen then.

While reading the want adds one day, he came across an add for a monkey that could pull a cork out of a bottle at the ring of a bell.

A light came on in the farmer's head, and he rushed over to buy the monkey.

On his way to the fair grounds he saw three kids picking up bottles for refunds.
He asked them if they wanted to make ten dollars each and they agreed.

He took them to the fair, and placed the first boy 100 yards behind the pig.
He placed another boy 50 yards behind the pig, and the third boy directly
behind the pig.

He had instructed each boy to simply tell him what they saw.

Then he placed the monkey on the pigs back and rang a bell.

The monkey reached down and struggled to pull the cork free.

With a loud "pop!" the cork came out. There was a violent rush of wind, and a smell that was gut wrenching.

Then as the dust cleared, the farmer went to the first boy. "What did you see?", asked the farmer.

"Mister, I saw a great big black cloud coming at me 100 miles per hour, and the smell made me throw up!"

"OK", the farmer said giving him his ten dollars.

He asked the second boy what he saw.

"CRAP man! that’s all I saw was CRAP!

"Ok", said the farmer giving him his ten dollars.

Then he went to the third boy and asked him what he saw.

The third boy was shaking his head and said; "All I could see was that poor little monkey trying to stuff that cork back up that pig's ass
 

The Lucky Ant

One day, while an elephant was walking through the woods, she got a thorn stuck in her foot.

She saw an ant passing and asked him to help her get the thorn out.

The ant asked, "What do I get in return?"

The elephant replied, "If you get it out, I'll have sex with you."

So the ant gets busy taking the thorn out.

When he finally gets it out he looks up at the elephant and says "OK it's out, are you ready?".

The elephant thinks, "Hey, what's a little ant gonna do anyways?"

The ant climbs up and starts to work away.

Just then a monkey overhead drops a coconut on the elephant's head.

"Ouch" screams the elephant.

"Yeah, take it all bitch." says the ant.
 

Scientists have shown that the moon is moving away at a tiny, although measurable distance from the earth every year.

If you do the math, you can calculate that 85 million years ago the moon was orbiting the earth at a distance of about 35 feet from the earth's surface.

This would explain the death of the dinosaurs. ...the tallest ones, anyway.
 

This guy that continually gains weight and is very sick and fat. He is always eating turkey right from the refrigerator.

It keeps making him sicker and fatter but he just can't seem to stop.

His friends and family worry about him but he keeps on with his addiction.

Finally, after years of sickness, he stops and loses a lot of weight and looks great.

His friends ask him how he did it.

He says, ..."I quit cold turkey."
 

One day Kermit the Frog was looking sad. Fozzie Bear went up to him and asked what was wrong.

Kermit said, "I'm having problems with Miss Piggy."

"Like what?" asked Fozzie.

"Well, Piggy wants me to eat her out and I can't."

Fozzie asked, "So, what's wrong with that? You're not a prude or anything."

"No," sighed Kermit, "but I am a Jew."
 

One day, a man walked into a bar with an ostrich and a cat.

The man orders a beer, and so does the ostrich.

The cat orders half a pint, and refuses to tip the bartender.

The bartender tells them their bill is $10.78.

The man reaches into his pocket and gets exactly $10.78!

The next day, the man, the ostrich and the cat go back to the bar.

The order the same thing as the day before, and again the cat is really rude to the bartender and won't tip him.

The bartender tells them their their bill is $10.78.

The man reaches into his pocket and gets exactly $10.78!

The next day, the man, the ostrich and the cat go back into the bar.

This time the man and the ostrich order a double scotch. The cat orders a scotch and is rude to the bartender.

The bartender smiles to himself, knowing that there is no chance the man will get the exact amount of money, and he's getting pissed at the cheapskate cat.

He tells the man that their bill is $15.63.

The man reaches into his pocket and gets the exact change!

The bartender is astonished. He asks the man how he always gets the right amount of change.
The man tells him, ''Well, one day I came across a lamp. I rubbed it and a genie came out. He told me I could have any three wishes I wanted.

My first wish was that I could reach into my pocket and get the exact change of anything I was buying.''

''Very smart,'' said the bartender.

''My second wish was to have a high tolerance for alcohol.''

''Good choice!'' the bartender exclaimed. ''What was your third wish?''

''Well, that wasn't too bright on my part. 'I wished for a chick with long legs and a tight pussy.''
 

How do you know when you're really ugly?

Dogs hump your leg with their eyes closed.
 

A traveling salesman's car breaks down in the middle of nowhere.

So he goes looking for help, and eventually finds a lone farmhouse.

Spying a light, he goes up to the door and knocks.

"Hi. My car broke down a while back. Got a phone I can use to call for help?" he asks the farmer when he opens the door.

"Nope," he's told. "I ain't got no phone here.

But if you want, I can give you a ride into town in the morning to get some help."

The salesman agrees, and the farmer shows him to his room.

"What's that?" he asks, spying a wall of eggs.

"My daughter, the most beautiful creature in the world, is behind that wall," the farmer explains. "Now, come morning, if any of them eggs are broke, I'm gonna kill you. Understand?"

The salesman agrees to this, and turns in to bed.

Later that night, though, he hears the daughter moaning from behind her wall, and finally he can't control himself anymore.

He has to see this beauty. Rushing through the wall, he finds that she's even more beautiful than her father said, and she's quite ready to have fun.

They spend the whole night making wild passionate love.

The salesman is woken by the rooster in the morning, and he hears the farmer climbing the stairs.

In a panic, he grabs a jar of glue and starts gluing the eggshells back together.

He has just finished putting the last egg into the wall when the farmer bursts into the room.

"So, you managed to control yourself," the old man says, looking at the intact wall

"Come on down, and I'll make you breakfast."

So saying, he grabs a couple of eggs from the wall. The salesman is petrified as he sits at the breakfast table.

He knows that the eggs the farmer picked are empty, and he knows the farmer will catch on to what happened.

The farmer cracks open an egg.

Nothing.
He cracks open a second egg.

Again, nothing.

He cracks a third egg.

Nothing.

"Hmm," he says, looking right at the salesman, a frown appearing on his face.

"The damn rooster's been using rubbers again!"
 

If you go fishin' and you catch somethin' - thats good.

If your making love and you catch somethin' - that's bad.

Fish don't complain if you light up a smoke right after you catch 'em.

You can catch and release a fish, but you don't have to lie and promise to still be freinds after you let it go.

You don't have to necessarily change your line to keep catching fish.

Fish don't mind if you fall asleep in the middle of fishin'.

You don't have to promise to respect a fish in the morning.
 

"My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to 99 cents a can.

That's almost $7.00 in dog money."
 

Mr. Harris had a new secretary who was such a pretty young thing and so eager to please that he decided to "work late" and to take her to dinner tonight. So he called up his wife to tell her he would be late and she replied, "No problem."

So Mr. Harris treated his secretary to dinner at a fancy restaurant where they had one drink too many. After dinner with her, it was obvious that Mr. Harris would get lucky tonight when the girl asked him to take her home. When they got to the
secretary's home, they did the wild thing for over two hours. When it was over, Mr. Harris went to the bathroom to freshen up and get ready to go home. Looking into the mirror, he noticed that he had a huge hickey on his neck. He had no idea what hewas going to tell his wife and fell into a state of panic but he had no choice but to go home and face the music as it was getting quite late.

Putting his key into the lock, he heard his dog come barking and scratching at the door. He thought, "Aha! I got an idea." He entered the house, fell on the carpet and pretended to fight off the affectionate dog.

Holding his neck in one hand, he walked into the bedroom and exclaimed, "Honey! Look what the dog did to my neck!"

Mrs. Harris looked up, ripped open her bathrobe and said, "That's nothing. Look what he did to my tits!"
 

What do you call a donkey with one leg?

A wonky donkey

What do you call a donkey with one leg and one eye?

A winky wonky donkey

What do you call a donkey with one leg and one eye makin' love?

A bonky winky wonky donkey

What do you call a donkey with one leg and one eye makin' love while breaking wind?

A stinky bonky winky wonky donkey

What do you call a donkey with one leg and one eye makin' love while breaking wind, wearing blue suede shoes?

A honky tonky stinky bonky winky wonky donkey

What do you call a donkey with one leg and one eye makin' love while breaking wind, wearing blue suede shoes and playing piano?

A plinky plonky honky tonky stinky bonky winky wonky donkey

What do you call a donkey with one leg and one eye makin' love while breaking wind, wearing blue suede shoes, playing piano and driving a truck?

Bloody talented!
 

There is one man and he has over 100 acres of land.

He decidesthat he wants to buy a horse. So he goes to the stable and ask
the owner for a horse.

He looks for hour, and he suddenly sees a beautiful horse. He asks the man if he could buy it.

The owner tells the man that this is a special horse. The horse will only
go if you say " Thank God", the horse will stop if you say "Bless me", and the horse will go faster if you say "I love you".

Yeah right thinks the man, and so he takes the horse home.

A week later, the man takes the horse out for a ride. He says "Giddiup", the horse does not move. After a few more trys he finally says "Thank God". Of course the horse begins to move. The man would like to go a little faster, so he says "I love you", and the horse goes faster and faster. Then the man sees a cliff up ahead. He says "Stop, Stop!" He trys and trys to remember the words to get him to stop.

Finally he says "Bless me". The horse stops about an inch away from the cliff.

The man, quite thankful, wipes the sweat from his forhead and says "Thank God."
 

A rich guy was looking for excitement so he decided to put an ad in the newspaper. The ad said, "I will give $10,000 to any person that can make my elephant jump."

So the next day, people came from all over the world to try to get this elephant to jump. There were even hypnotists who tried, but no one could get that elephant to jump.

Then a guy drives up in a blue Corvette and said, "Are you the guy with the ad?" The rich guy replied yes. Then the guy asked, "Is that your elephant?" "Yes." The rich man replies. Then the guy went back to his car.

He returned with a 2 by 4. He walked behind the elephant and hit the elephant right in his balls! That elephant jumped a good 8 feet in the air. The rich guy, amazed, handed him the $10,000. The guy then got in his Corvett and drove off.

The next week the rich guy decides to put another ad in the paper. The ad said, "I will give anyone $20,000 to make my elephant turn his head from side to side." The man had seen his elephant's head move up and down but never from side to side.

People come from all over the world to try to get this elephant to make his head turn from side to side. No one could do it. When everyone left, the same guy in the same Corvett drives up.

He walked up to the elephant and said, "Do you remember me?" The elephant nodded his head up and down. Then the man asked, "Do you want me to do it again?" The elephant then shook his head from side to side frantically.
 

One day farmer Brown went to the barn to milk his prize cow. When he got to the barn he was shocked to find that the cows eyes were crossed! He thought, "This is a valuable cow, I can't have it walking around cross-eyed." So he called the Vet.

The vet came out and said he knew exactly what to do. He proceeded to take out a hose and stick it in the cow's butt. He then told the farmer to go around and watch the cow's eyes.

As the farmer was watching the vet took a deep breath and blew into the hose. To the farmer's amazement the cow's eyes went back to normal. The vet said that'll be $200. The farmer was a bit taken aback by the steep charge, but he was thankful that his cow was back to normal, so he paid the vet without complaint.

The next day, he went out to milk the cow as usual. To his great dismay he found that the cow's eyes were crossed again! He didn't feel like paying the vet again though, so he decided to treat the cow himself.

He began to do the same procedure to the cow exactly as he saw the vet do it the day before. However he could not see if it was having the same effect. So he called Billy-Bob the farm hand over and said, "I want you to watch the cow's eyes while I blow in this hose." Billy-Bob agreed and watched as farmer Brown did the deed. However, nothing happened. He reported to the farmer who tried it again. Still, no result.

Farmer Brown was stumped, so he told Billy-Bob to blow while he watched the eyes. As farmer Brown moved to the front, he saw Billy-Bob take out the hose and turned it around! Just before he put it to his lips, the farmer yelled, "What the hell are you
doing?!"

Billy-Bob looked at him incredulously and said, "Are you kidding, you just had your mouth on that end!"
 

Bear Tales

Two men went bear hunting.

While one stayed in the cabin, the other went out looking for a bear.

He soon found a huge bear, shot at it but only wounded it. The enraged bear charged toward him, he dropped his rifle and started running for the cabin as fast as he could.

He ran pretty fast but the bear was just a little faster and gained on him with every step. Just as he reached the open cabin door, he tripped and fell flat.

Too close behind to stop, the bear tripped over him and went rolling into the cabin.

The man jumped up, closed the cabin door and yelled to his friend inside, "You skin this one while I go and get another!
 

Did you hear about this new breed of dog?

Well they crossed a bulldog with a shitsu and called it a bull-shit!

******
Two hippos are sitting in a swamp, and one says to the other, "oh you're lazy, you're fat and you smell, and all you do all day is sit in a swamp".

So the other says "Don't be so hippocritical"

******
If you have a green ball in one hand and a green ball in the other hand, what do you have?

Kermit the Frog's undivided attention.
 

An elephant and a monkey had become good friends. While walking through the jungle one day, the elephant fell into a deep pit. The monkey rushed to the nearest road and stopped a Mercedes Benz. With the help of a rope, the Mercedes pulled the elephant out of the pit.

Some time later, the monkey fell into a pit and it was the elephant's turn to rescue him. The elephant just stood over the pit and dropped his dick down in so that the monkey could climb out.

This story proves that if you've got a big dick you don't need a Mercedes Benz.
 

Did you hear about the transsexual donkey?

He had a hee in the morning and a haw at night.
******

What's pink and hard?

A Pig with a flick knife.
******

What do you get when you cross a chick with an alley cat?

A peeping Tom.
******

What do you get when you cross a parrot with a centipede?

A walkie talkie.
******

Did you hear about the new breed of dog?

They crossed a pit bull with a collie, and came up with a long-haired dog that bites your leg off then runs for help.

 

was having a good time with the milk man.

He wanted to record what went on in the house while he was out at work. He couldn't buy a tape recorder or a video camera because that would be to obvious. So he went to the pet shop to get himself a parrot.

In the shop there was only one parrot who spoke english. Unfortunatly the parrot that spoke english had no feet, nor did he have any legs.

So as you can imagine he has to sit on his perch somehow! So he holds on with his dick. He brought his parrot home and placed it in the most obvious place (beside the front door).

The man went to work but told the parrot to record everything that his wife said. The parrot was perfectly capable of doing this and did so.

When the man came home he asked the parrot what happened. The parrot said "Well your wife let the milk man in" "yes" "then they went upstairs and...." "what what," said the husband "I could hear rustling and groaning!"

"Then what happened tell me quick" said the husband "well I don't know" "why not" said the husband."I had an erection and fell of my perch"
 

As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop, he sees $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: "10 lamb chops, please." Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth, and quickly closes the shop.

He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus stop.

The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench. When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at the number, then boards the bus.

The butcher follows, dumbstruck.

As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery. After awhile he stands on his back paws to push the "stop" button, then the butcher follows him off.

The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the stoop. He goes back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -Whap!- against the door. He does this again and again.

No answer. So he jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, beats his head against a window, jumps off, and waits at the front door.

A big guy opens it and starts cursing and pummeling the dog.

The butcher runs up screams at the guy: "What the hell are you doing? This dog's a genius!"

The owner responds, "Genius, my ass. It's the second time this week he's forgotten his key!"
 

1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right fore finger and thumb on either of side of cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheek while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrapper, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right fore finger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Pull spouse from garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, holding front and rear paws. Ignore low growl emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold cat’s head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cats throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrapper. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figures from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with its head just visible from below spouse’s armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw; force cat’s mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply bandage to spouses forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbours shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door on to neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologise to neighbour who crashed into fence whilst swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Tie cat’s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Force cat’s mouth open with small spanner. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour pint of water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Get spouse to drive you to hospital; sit quietly while doctor stitches finger and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Stop by furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15. Arrange for ASPCA to collect cat.
 

Ice Fishing 
 
There were two guys from Florida who love to fish, and they wanted to do some ice fishing. They'd heard about it up in Canada, and they took off up there. The lake was frozen nicely.

They stopped just before they got to the lake at a little bait shop and got all their tackle. One of them said, "We're going to need an ice pick."

So they got that, and they took off. In about two hours, one of them was back at the shop and said, "We're going to need another dozen ice picks."

Well, the fellow in the shop wanted to ask some questions, but he didn't. He sold him the picks, and the old boy left. In about an hour, he was back. Said, "We're going to need all the ice picks you've got."

The bait man couldn't stand it any longer. "By the way," he asked, "how are you fellows doing?"

"Not very well at all," he said. "We don't even have the boat in the water yet."
 

Three fishermen were fishing when they came upon a mermaid, the mermaid offered them one wish each so the first fisher said: "double my I.Q" so the mermaid did it and to his surprise he started reciting shakespeare.

Then the second guy said: "triple my I.Q." and sure enough the'mermaid did it and amazingly he started doing math problems he didn't know existed.

The third fisherman was so impressed he asked the mermaid to quadruple his I.Q and the mermaid said "Are you sure about this? It will change your whole life!" the man said "yes," so the mermaid turned him into a woman."
 

A LITTLE RABBIT IS HAPPILY RUNNING THROUGH THE FOREST WHEN HE
STUMBLES UPON A GIRAFFE ROLLING A JOINT.

THE RABBIT LOOKS AT HER AND SAYS, "GIRAFFE MY FRIEND, WHY DO YOU DO THIS? COME. RUN WITH ME THROUGH THE FOREST! YOU'LL FEEL MUCH  BETTER!" 

THE GIRAFFE LOOKS AT HIM, LOOKS AT THE JOINT, TOSSES IT AND GOES RUNNING WITH THE RABBIT.

THEN THEY COME ACROSS AN ELEPHANT DOING COKE. SO THE RABBIT AGAIN SAYS, "ELEPHANT MY FRIEND, WHY DO YOU DO THIS?  THINK ABOUT YOUR HEALTH. COME. RUN WITH US THROUGH THE PRETTY  FOREST,  YOU'LL SEE, YOU'LL FEEL SO GOOD!"

THE ELEPHANTS LOOKS AT THEM, LOOKS AT HIS RAZOR, MIRROR AND ALL THEN  TOSSES THEM AND STARTS RUNNING WITH THE RABBIT AND GIRAFFE.

THE THREE ANIMALS THEN COME ACROSS A LION ABOUT TO SHOOT UP...
"LION MY FRIEND, WHY DO YOU DO THIS? THINK ABOUT YOUR HEALTH! COME.  RUN WITH US THROUGH THE FOREST, YOU'LL FEEL SO GOOD!"
 

 THE LION LOOKS AT HIM, PUTS DOWN HIS NEEDLE, AND STARTS TO BEAT
THE  SHIT OUT OF THE LITTLE RABBIT.   AS THE GIRAFFE AND ELEPHANT
WATCH IN HORROR, THEY LOOK AT HIM AND  ASK, "LION, WHY DID YOU DO
THIS? ...HE WAS MERELY TRYING TO HELP US!"

THE LION ANSWERS, "THE LITTLE FUCKER! HE MAKES ME RUN AROUND
FOREST LIKE A FUCKING IDIOT EVERY TIME HE'S ON ECSTASY!"
 

A city boy moved to the country and bought a mule from an old farmer for $100.00 The farmer agreed to deliver the mule the next day.

The next day, the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry, but I have some bad news. The mule died."

"Well, then, just give me my money back."

"Can't do that. I went and spent it already."

"OK, then. Just unload the mule."

"What ya gonna do with him?"

"I'm going to raffle him off." "You can't raffle off a dead mule!"

"Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead."

A month later the farmer met up with the city boy and asked,
"Whatever happened with that dead mule?"

"I raffled him off. I sold a hundred tickets at two dollars apiece and made a ninety-eight dollar profit.

"Didn't anyone complain?"

"Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back."
 

What do you get when you cross a chick with an alley cat?

A peeping Tom.

******

What do you get when you cross a parrot with a centipede?

A walkie talkie.
 

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods, admiring all that the "accident of evolution" had created. "What majestic trees!" What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself.
As he was walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.

He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly charge towards him. He
ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and
saw that the bear was closing. He ran even faster, so scared that tears were coming to his eyes.

He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer.
His heart was pumping frantically and he tried to run even faster.
He tripped and fell to the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear, right on top of him: reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.At that instant the atheist cried out "Oh my God!...."

Time stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.
Even the river stopped moving.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky:
"You deny my existence for all of these years; teach others I don't exist; and, even credit creation to a cosmic accident.

Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament?
Am I to count you as a believer?"

The atheist looked directly into the light: "It would be
hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps could you make the bear a Christian?

"Very well," the voice said,The light went out.

The river ran again. And the sounds of the forest resumed.
And then the bear dropped its right paw ........ brought both paws together .... bowed its head and spoke:

"Lord, for this food which I am about to receive, I am truly
thankful."
 

Two guys are out hunting deer.

The first guy says, "Did you see that?"

"No," the second guy says.

Well, a bald eagle just flew overhead," the first guy says.

"Oh," says the second guy.

A couple of minutes later, the first guy says, "Did you see that?"

"See what?" the second guy asks.

"Are you blind? There was a big, black bear walking on that hill, over there."

"Oh."

A few minutes later the first guy says, "Did you see that?"

By now, the second guy is getting aggravated, so he says, "Yes, I did!"

And the first guy says, "Then why did you step in it?"   
 

A woman goes to a jumble sale and sees a parrot for sale for $1.

She thinks it's too cheap to pass off, so she buys it, but is warned that it has a few choice phrases since it used to live in a brothel. She gets it home and it looks around and says "New house, new mistress!"

The woman laughs and her two daughters come down to see what she was laughing at, the parrot says "newhouse, new mistress, two new whores"

The girls are shocked, but they laugh it over and the husband walks in from work the parrot says "New house, new mistress, two new whores, hello Keith!"   

 

A Frenchman with a parrot perched on his shoulder walked into a bar.

The bartender said, "Wow! That's really neat! Where'd you get him?"

"In France," the parrot replied. "They have millions of them."
 

When I was a young spry turkey, new to the coop,
My big brother Mike took me out on the stoop,

Then he sat me down, and he spoke real slow,
And he told me there was something that I had to know;

His look and his tone I will always remember,
When he told me of the horrors of..... Black November;

"Come about August, now listen to me,
Each day you'll get six meals instead of just three,

"And soon you'll be thick, where once you were thin,
And you'll grow a big rubbery thing under your chin;

"And then one morning, when you're warm in your bed,
In'll burst the farmer's wife, and hack off your head;

"Then she'll pluck out all your feathers so you're bald 'n pink,
And scoop out all your insides and leave ya lyin' in the sink;

"And then comes the worst part" he said not bluffing,
"She'll spread your cheeks and pack your rear with stuffing".

Well, the rest of his words were too grim to repeat,
I sat on the stoop like a winged piece of meat,

And decided on the spot that to avoid being cooked,
I'd have to lay low and remain overlooked;

I began a new diet of nuts and granola,
High-roughage salads, juice and diet cola;

And as they ate pastries, chocolates and crepes,
I stayed in my room doing Jane Fonda tapes;

I maintained my weight of two pounds and a half,
And tried not to notice when the bigger birds laughed;

But 'twas I who was laughing, under my breath,
As they chomped and they chewed, ever closer to death;

And sure enough when Black November rolled around,
I was the last turkey left in the entire compound;

So now I'm a pet in the farmer's wife's lap;
I haven't a worry, so I eat and I nap;

She held me today, while sewing and humming,
And smiled at me and said "Christmas is coming ..."
 

I stopped at a friends house the other day and found him stalking around with a flyswatter.

When I asked if he had gotten any flies, he answered, "Yeah, 3 males and 2 females."

Curious, I inquired as to how he could tell the difference.

He answered, "3 were on a beer can and 2 were on the phone."
 

Did you hear about this new breed of dog?

Well they crossed a bulldog with a shitsu and called it a bull-shit!

******

Two hippos are sitting in a swamp, and one says to the other, "oh you're lazy, you're fat and you smell, and all you do all day is sit in a swamp".

So the other says "Don't be so hippocritical"

******

If you have a green ball in one hand and a green ball in the other hand, what do you have?

Kermit the Frog's undivided attention.
 

Did you hear about the transsexual donkey?

He had a hee in the morning and a haw at night.

******

What's pink and hard?

A Pig with a flick knife.

******

What do you get when you cross a chick with an alley cat?

A peeping Tom.
 

"How are you today?"

"Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book.

"I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked.

"First time since my wife passed away last year," he replied.

"Do you live around here?" she asked.

"Yes," he patiently answered, continuing to read.

Goldie persisted. "Do you like pussycats?"

With that, the man threw down his book, jumped off his blanket onto hers, whipped off both their swimsuits, and gave her the ride of her life. As the sands finally began to settle, Goldie gasped and asked the man, "How did you know that's what I wanted?"

Shrugging, the man replied, "How did you know my name was Katz"?
 

Three moles are sitting around in their mole hole bored as can be.  

One mole gets a bright idea to band together to look for honey.

All three moles agree and proceed to search for honey. Since the mole passage ways are very narrow, all three moles have to line up single file during their search.

Suddenly, the first mole yells out to the other two,"Hey, do you guys smell honey?"

The third mole pipes up and says "All I can smell from here is molasses".   
 

A highly timid little man, ventured into a biker bar in the Bronx andclearing his throat asked, "Um, err, which of you gentlemen owns theDoberman tied outside to the parking meter?"

A giant of a man, wearing biker leathers, his body hair growing out through the seams, turned slowly on his stool, looked down at the quivering little man and said, "It's my dog. Why?"

"Well," squeaked the little man, obviously very nervous, "I believe my dog just killed it, sir."

"What?" roared the big man in disbelief. "What in the hell kind of dog do you have?"

"Sir," answered the little man, "It's a four week old puppy."

"Bull!" roared the biker, "How could your puppy kill my Doberman?"

"It appears that he choked on it, sir."
 

Scientists have shown that the moon is moving away at a tiny, although measurable distance from the earth every year.

If you do the math, you can calculate that 85 million years ago the moon was orbiting the earth at a distance of about 35 feet from the earth's surface.

This would explain the death of the dinosaurs.
...the tallest ones, anyway.
 

A mechanic who worked out of his home had a dog named Mace.

Mace had a bad habit of eating all the grass in the mechanic's lawn, so the mechanic had to keep Mace inside.

The grass eventually became overgrown.

One day the mechanic was working on a car in his back yard and dropped his wrench, losing it in the tall grass. He couldn't find it for the life of him so decided to call it a day.

That night Mace escaped from the house and ate all the grass in the back yard.

The next morning the mechanic went outside and saw his wrench glinting in the sunlight. Realizing what had happened he looked up the heavens and proclaimed,

"A grazing Mace, how sweet the hound that saved a wrench for me!"
 

A guy (we'll call him Aaron) was laying down carpet in some woman's home.

As he was finishing, he got a craving for a cigarette.

Aaron looked around and discovered that his cigarettes were missing.

He did, however, notice a bump in the carpet, and figured that he had laid carpet over the pack without noticing it there. Aaron decided rather than to take up the carpet, he would get a hammer and pound it into the ground so no one would know.

When he finished that, the owner of the house walked into the room and commented on what a nice job he had done.

''Aaron, The carpet lookes wonderful!'' she exclaimed. ''Here are your cigarettes; I found them in the kitchen.

Oh yes, and by the way, have you seen my gerbil?''

Dog Days

A dog walks into this bar, jumps up on the stool and says to the bartender, "Hey barkeep, it's my birthday today. How 'bout a free drink?"

The bartender turns, looks at the dog and nods his head, "Sure , toilet's right down the hall."

Sealed Delivered

A baby seal walks into a bar and sits down. "What can I get you?" asked the bartender.

"Anything but a Canadian Club" replied the seal.
 

A fish walks into a bar and the bartender says: "What do you want?"

The fish croaks "water."

A guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender "Man, I'm dying to have sex in the worst way."

So the bartender says," Well, the worst way I know of is standing up in a hammock."

 

Disturbing Discovery

According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December.

Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring.

Therefore, according to every historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, every single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen had to be a girl.

We should've known. Only women would be able to drag a fat man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night, and not get lost.
 

"My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to 99 cents a can.

That's almost $7.00 in dog money."

 

Doe A Deer, A Female Deer...

A doe comes out of the woods, tugging at her skirt and says, "That is the last time I do that for two bucks!"
 

A woman was visiting an Indian reservation one day when an Indian came up to her. He had a feather in his hair.

"How did you get that feather?" the woman asked.

"I screw one squaw," the Indian said.

Then, another Indian came up to her. He had two feathers in his hair. "How did you get those feathers?" she asked.

"I screw two squaw," he said.

Then, an Indian with a headdress of feathers came up to her.

"My! How did you get all those feathers?" she asked.

"I screw two squaw, four squirrel, five rabbit, eight bear." he answered.

"Oh dear!" said the woman.

The Indian replied, "No deer, deer jump too high, balls get stuck in bush."
 

If you go fishin' and you catch somethin' - thats good.

If your making love and you catch somethin' - that's bad.

Fish don't complain if you light up a smoke right after you catch 'em.

You can catch and release a fish, but you don't have to lie and promise to still be freinds after you let it go.

You don't have to necessarily change your line to keep catching fish.

Fish don't mind if you fall asleep in the middle of fishin'.

You don't have to promise to respect a fish in the morning.
 

Q: How can you tell when your dogs are kinky?

A: They start doing it in the missionary position
 

What's the difference between a hog and a man -

A hog doesn't have to sit in a bar and buy drinks all night just so he can sleep with some pig.
 

Having arrived at the edge of the river, the fisherman soon realized he had forgotten to bring any bait.

Just then he happened to see a little snake passing by who had caught a worm.

The fisherman snatched up the snake and robbed him of his worm.

Feeling sorry for the little snake with no lunch, he snatched him up again and poured a little beer down his throat.

Then he went about his fishing.

An hour or so later the fisherman felt a tug at his pant leg.

Looking down, he saw the same snake with three more worms in his mouth...
 

The Top 15 Adult Videos for Animals

15. Deep Goat

14. The Bitches of Beastwick

13. A Street Cat Name Desire

12. Behind the Screen Door

11. Sniffing Ryan's Privates

10. Squirrel, Interruptus

9. Dog-Style Afternoon

8. Pantin'

7. The Triple Crown Affair

6. Mounting Python & the Holy Tail

5. South Bark: Bigger, Longer, and Unspayed

4. Hen in Black

3. Honey, I Humped the Squids

2. The Pelican's Briefs

1. Kitty Kitty Gang Bang
 

These two ladies were walking down the street when they came across this frog.

The frog said, "Kiss me and I will turn into a handsome Texas oil man."

One lady reached down, grabbed the frog and put it in her purse.

The other looked at her and said, "Aren't you going to kiss that frog?"

She replied, "Hell no! A talking frog is worth a lot more than a Texas oil man..."
 

What do gay termites eat?

Woody Woodpecker.
**
Mary had a little lamb......

That'll teach her to stay out of the barn.
****
What do you call a rabbit with fleas all over him?

Bugs Bunny.

Q: Why did the chicken cross the basketball court?

A: He heard that the referee was blowing fowls.
 

Jack goes to the doctor and says “Doc I’m having trouble getting my penis erect, can you help me?”

After a complete examination the doctor tells Jack, “Well the problem with you is that the muscles around the base of your penis are damaged. There’s really nothing I can do for you except if you’re willing to try an experimental treatment.”

Jack asks sadly, “What is this treatment?”

“Well,” the doctor explains, “what we would do is take the muscles from the trunk of a baby elephant and implant them in your penis.”

Jack thinks about it silently then says, “Well the thought of going through life without ever having sex again is too much, let’s go for it.”

A few weeks after the operation Jack was given the green light to use his improved equipment.

He planned a romantic evening for his girlfriend and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in the city.

In the middle of dinner he felt a stirring between his legs that
continued to the point of being painful.

To release the pressure Jack unzipped his fly.

His penis immediately sprung from his pants, went to the top of the table, grabbed a roll and then returned to his pants.

His girl friend was stunned at first but then said with a sly smile, “That was incredible! Can you do it again?”

Jack replied with his eyes watering, “Well, I guess so, but I don’t think I can fit another roll in my ass.”
 

Two cowboys were riding on their horses. One was from Colorado and the other from California.

They were riding along a fence when they came across a heifer that had her head stuck in the fence.

The Colorado cowboy jumped off his horse, hurried to the heifer, pulled down his pants and screwed the cow for all he was worth.

When he was done he looked at the California cowboy and said,” You’re turn.”

With that the California cowboy jumped off his horse, hurried over and stuck his head in the fence.
 

A young vampire bat came flapping in from the night, covered in fresh blood and perched himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.

Before long, all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it.

He was tired and needing a rest, so he told them to please leave him alone. However, it was clear that he wasn't going to get any sleep until he satisfied their curiosity.

"OK!" he said with exasperation, "follow me," and he flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats following close behind him. Down through the valley they went, across the river and into the deep forest. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly gathered around him.

"Do you see that tree over there?" he asked.

"Yes, yes, yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.

"Good," said the first bat, "because I DIDN'T!"
 

A flock of sheep are grazing in a field, happily going "baa baa" to each other, discussing life as usual, when suddenly they hear a "moo mooooooooooooooooooo!"
They look around and see only sheep.

They carry on grazing as before.

"Moooooo mooooooooooo mmmoooo!"

One sheep can hear it all too clearly next to him.

He shuffles away a little from his friend, a worried look on his face, and then asks "Wooley, why are you mooing?

You're a sheep. Sheep go 'baa!'"

His friend replies gladly: " I know... I just thought I would learn a foreign language!"
 

This guy walks into a bar near a concert hall with an octopus under his arm and says, "I'll bet any of you that my octopus can play any instrument that you give him."
Two guys bet fifty dollars each that the octopus can't play their instruments.

The first guy hands over his French horn and the octopus starts to play it.

The second guy hands over his tuba and sure enough the octopus starts to play it.

The bartender then walks into the back room and comes back five minutes later with a set of bagpipes and bets all the money in the drawer that the octopus wouldn't be able to play it. He hands over the bagpipes to the octopus and waits.

After about a minute of watching the octopus run its tentacles over the bagpipe the owner of the octopus says, "Come on now! Play it!"

The octopus replies, "What do you mean play it?! If I can figure out how to get the plaid pajamas off of it, I'm gonna screw it!"
 

A fella was in the market to buy some acreage. He found just what he was looking for, but it was a little expensive. During the inspection of theproperty, However, he found a beehive.

He told the owner that he was deathly afraid of bees, and there was no way he could consider this piece of land. The landowner assured him that the bees were completely harmless, But the buyer would have no part of it.

Finally the landowner made an offer.

The buyer would allow himself to be tied to the tree for an hour, Nude, under the nest. So sure of the friendliness of his bees was the farmer that if ONE bee were to sting him, the farm would be his free.

The buyer thought it over and decided it was worth the risk.

An hour later, the farmer walked out to the tree and saw the poor buyer slumped over in his bindings. Fearing the worst, he ran up to him and asked him if he had been stung.

The City fella looked up and weakly said, "No , But doesn't that calf have a Mother?"
 

A farmer ordered a high-tech milking machine.

It happened that the equipment arrived when his wife was away.

So he decided to test it on himself first.

He inserted his penis into the equipment, turned the switch on, and voila, everything else was automatic!

He really had a good time as the equipment provided him with as much pleasure as his wife did.

However, when the fun was over, he found that he could not take the instrument off.

He read the manual, but did not find any useful information.

He tried every button on the instrument - some made the equipment squeeze, shake, or suck harder or less - but still he had no success getting out of it.

Panicking, he just barely reached the phone and called the supplier's customer service hotline.

The farmer: "Hello, I just bought a milking machine from your company. It worked fantastic. But how can I take it off from the cow's udder?"

Customer Service: "Don't worry. The machine was programmed to release automatically after collecting about 2 gallons of milk."
 

There was a chicken farmer who owned a talking parrot.

One day he decided that it was time to take his chickens to market, so he asked his parrot, ''Do you want to go for a ride?''

And the parrot said, ''Squak! Wanna go for a ride!''

So the farmer loaded the chickens into the truck, and took the parrot in the cab with him.

On the way to town, there was a cute female hitchhiker on the side of the road. He pulled over and she asked for a ride.

He said, ''Will you fuck me?''

Of course she said, ''Hell no.''

So the farmer goes, ''No fuck, no ride.''

The hitchhiker thinks about it for a minute, sighs, and reluctantly agrees.

So they fuck, and then they are driving along when suddenly the parrot goes, ''Squak! No fuck, no ride!''

The farmer says ''Shut up!!''

Ten minutes later, the parrot says it again.

The farmer slaps the parrot and goes, ''If you say that one more time, you are going in the back with the chickens.''

Sure enough, ten minutes later the parrot goes, ''Squak! No fuck, no ride! No fuck, no ride!''

Farmer pulls over, grabs the parrot by the neck, and throws it in the back of the truck.

A half hour later, the farmer sees cop lights in his rear view, so he pulls over.

The officer moves up to the window.

The farmer says, ''What's wrong officer? I wasn't speeding or anything.''

The cop goes, ''No, no, it's not that, you should know that there is a parrot throwing chickens off the back of your truck saying, 'Squak! No fuck no ride!'''
 

This farmer also had two ducks. These ducks were retarded. They were only two ducks on the farm that weren't normal. He told his sons that whomever could get the most money for the duck would go to college.

The sons went out in attempt to collect as much money as they could.

The first son was walking down the street when he passed a man working in the yard. The man asked him if the duck was for sale, for the man loved the taste of ducks. He offered the son 10 dollars for his duck.

The son decided this was very good, so he took it. He decided his brother wouldn't be able to touch him.

The second son was walking and passed a whore house. He went in and said that he didn't have any money, but he would give them the duck. One girl said fine. After they fucked, she decided that she didn't want the duck anymore. The son said he would take the duck back if they fucked again. She agreed. After they fucked the second time, the son left.

He was walking home, thinking about what to do with the duck when it broke the leash. The duck ran out into the street and was hit by a car. The lady that hit it jumped from her car and started apologizing profusley.

The son insisted it was ok, but the lady said she would pay for the duck. She was in a hurry, so she gave him 25 dollars and sped off.

When the sons got home, the farmer asked the first son what he got. He proudly displayed the 10 dollars. The farmer was impressed.

He asked the second son the same thing. "That's nothing. I got a fuck for a duck, a duck for a fuck, and 25 dollars for a fucked up duck."
 

On preparing to return home from an out of town trip, a man got a small puppy as a present for his son. Not having the time to get the paperwork to take the puppy on board, the man just hid the pup down the front of his pants and sneaked him aboard the airplane.

About 30 minutes into the flight, a flight attendant noticed the man shaking and quivering. "Are you OK, sir?" "Yes," said the man, "But I have a confession to make. I didn't have time to get the paperwork to bring a puppy on board, so I hid him down the front of my pants."

"What's wrong? Is he not housebroken?" "No, that's not the problem. The problem is he's not weaned yet!"
 

There once was a poor man walking down the freeway when a farmer had saw him.

The poor man asked the farmer could he stay for the night and the farmer agreed and told him he could stay in his daughter's room.

The farmer had asked the man not to touch his 3 daughters and the man said, " I will sleep like a rabbit during the night".

The next morning the poor man was on his way and the farmer asked him how did he sleep and the poor man said he slept like a rabbit.

The farmer was so proud of his daughters that he told another farmer about the poor man and how he slept like a rabbit.

The other farmer said, " Goddamnit he got my daughters and me the same way because rabbit's don't sleep, they go from hole to hole during the night"
 

Scientists at NASA built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airplanes, military jets, and the space shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity.

The idea was to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.

British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high-speed trains.

Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the British engineers.

When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurtled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the pilot's backrest in two, and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin.

The horrified Brits sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs for the windshield, and begged the U.S. scientists for suggestions.

NASA responded with a one-line memo: "Thaw the chicken."
 

A zookeeper approaches three boys standing near the lions' cage and asks them their names and what they're up to.

The first boy says, "My name's Tommy and I was trying to feed peanuts to the lions."

The second boy says, "My name's Billy and I was trying to feed peanuts to the lions."

The third boy says, "My name is Peanuts."

What's the difference between a catfish and a lawyer?

One's a slimy scum-sucking bottom-dwelling scavenger, the other is just a fish.
 

Three Flies

Once there were three flies who decided to spend a night in someperson's bathroom.

The first fly slept in the bath, the secondfly spent the night in the basin and the last fly slept in the toilet.

The next morning the three flies gathered together to chat. The second fly asked the first, "How was your night?"

The first flyanswered, "It was terrible, I was almost killed by this big hairy thing that tried to swat me into some dirty water!"

The first fly then asked the second fly, "And you, how did you sleep?"

The second fly answered, "I hardly got any, during the night I woke up and found myself in some water. I thought it the end of me but I couldn't give up. So I thrashed my legs about as hard as I could, luckily I found a shiny rope to grab onto and pull myself out of the water."

Both Flies then asked the third fly, "What about you, was your night any better?"

The third fly shook his head and replied, "It was the worst night of my life, at first it was there was peaceful and quiet but then all of sudden there was a massive rumble of thunder. Out of no where a huge wall of water swept me off my legs and I found myself being tossed about by huge rapids. It must have been a flash flood or something. I tell you guys, if it wasn't for that log I would have drowned!"
 

One day two best friends were talking when the first man said:

Man 1:you will not guess what happened yesterday.

Man 2: What?

Man 1:While I was on the farm a bull started chasing after me.

Man 2: What happened?

Man 1:I started to run faster and faster and when he was about to poke me with its horns it slipped and fell.

Man 2:Then what?

Man 1:Well I kept running faster and faster and again it was about to poke me and it slipped and fell again

Man 2:Then what??

Man 1:Well I kept running faster and faster and again it was about to poke me and again it slipped and fell.

Man 2: Damn I think that if a bull was chasing after me I
would've shitted my pants.

Man 1: What do you think the bull was slipping and falling on??
 

To all my dog loving friends.

Dear God,

How come people love to smell flowers, but seldom smell one another? Where are their priorities?

Dear God,
When we get to Heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it the same old story?

Dear God,

Excuse me, but why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar,the mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not one named for a dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We dogs love a nice ride! I know every breed cannot have its own model, but it would be easy to rename the Chrysler Eagle the Chrysler Beagle!

Dear God,

If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad dog?

Dear God,

Is it true that in Heaven, dining room tables have on-ramps?

Dear God,

If we come back as humans, is that good or bad?

Dear God,

More meatballs, less spaghetti, please.

Dear God,

When we get to the Pearly Gates, do we have to shake hands to get in?

Dear God,

We dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent IDs, electromagnetic energy fields, and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand?

Dear God,

Are there dogs on other planets or are we alone? I have been howling at the moon and stars for a long time, but all I ever hear back is the beagle across the street!

Dear God,

Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize?

Dear God,

Is it true that dogs are not allowed in restaurants because we can't make up our minds what NOT to order? Or is it the carpets thing, again?

Dear God,

May I have my testicles back?
 

How do you know when you're really ugly?

Dogs hump your leg with their eyes closed.

 

A farmer had so many children, he ran out of names, so he started naming his kids after something around the farm.

The first day of school began, and the teacher asked each child their name. When he got to one of the farmer's sons, the boy replied, "Wagon Wheel".

The teacher said, "I need your REAL name, son."

"It's Wagon Wheel, sir...Really".

The teacher in a huff, said, "Alright young man...march yourself right down to the principal's office THIS minute!"

The boy got up, turned to his sister and said, "Come on, Chicken Poop....he ain't gonna believe YOU, either!"
 

There was this lion who had just eaten a bull,and he felt good.

He felt so good he opened his mouth and roared and roared. He roared until a hunter came along and shot him.

The moral of the story is: when you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.
 

Rated G

An elephant was drinking out of a river one day, when he spotted a turtle asleep on a log.

So, he ambled on over and kicked it clear across the river.

"What did you do that for?" asked a passing giraffe.

"Because I recognized it as the same turtle that took a nip out of my trunk 53 years ago."

"Wow, what a memory" commented the giraffe.

"Yes," said the elephant, "turtle recall".
 

A snail is walking down the road, when all of a sudden two turtles appear. They rough up the snail, take his money, and leave him for dead.

Months later in the courtroom, after the two turtles have been arrested, the judge asks the snail to describe what happened on the night of the assault.

The snail says, "Gee, I would love to, your honor, but it all happened so fast!"
 

Collie + Lhasa Apso

---Collapso, a dog that folds up for easy transport

Spitz + Chow Chow

---Spitz-Chow, a dog that throws up a lot

Pointer + Setter

---Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet

Great Pyrenees + Dachshund

---Pyradachs, a puzzling breed

Pekingnese + Lhasa Apso

---Peekasso, an abstract dog

Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer Spaniel

---Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean as a whistle

Labrador Retriever + Curly Coated Retriever

---Lab Coat Retriever, the choice of research scientists

Newfoundland + Basset Hound

---Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisors

Terrier + Bulldog

---Terribull, a dog that makes awful mistakes

Bloodhound + Labrador

---Blabador, a dog that barks incessantly

Malamute + Pointer

---Moot Point, owned by....oh, well, it doesn't matter anyway

Collie + Malamute

---Commute, a dog that travels to work

Deerhound + Terrier

---Derriere, a dog that's true to the end

Bull Terrier + ShihTzu

---Oh never mind...!!

 

The Real Story of Little Red Riding Hood

Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road when she sees the Big Bad Wolf crouched down behind a log. "My what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf.", says Little Red Riding Hood. The surprised wolf jumps up and runs away!!!

Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again, this time he is crouched behind a tree stump. "My what big ears you have Mr. Wolf.", says Little Red Riding Hood. Again the foiled wolf jumps up and runs away.

About 2 miles down the road, Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again, this time crouched down behind a road sign. "My what big teeth you have Mr. Wolf.", taunts Little Red Riding Hood.

With that the Big Bad Wolf jumps up and screams.... "Will you get lost? I'm trying to poop!!!"
 

One day a poppa dog asked his puppy son if he would like to go to the dog show with him.

Of course the little puppy eagerly agreed.

While there the poppa dog entered himself in the show. Lo and behold, he came away with the blue ribbon for 'best of show'.

On the way home he suggested to his son that they stop by the local pub to celebrate with a beer or two. The puppy drank sodas while his father had several beers.

When they got home poppa realized that they had left the ribbon on the bar!

The puppy said, "You've had enough to drink already, Pop. I'll run back for it."

When he climbed up onto the bar stool the bartender asked, "What'll you have young man?"

The puppy replied, "I'LL HAVE PAP'S BLUE RIBBON, PLEASE!
 

Q: What do you get when you cross an onion with a donkey?

A:: 99 times out of 100 you get an onion with long ears. But that ONE time out of 100, you get a piece of ass that makes your eyes water...
 

If your dog is barking at the back door, and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?

The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

"Smart Dog" -- A man walked by a table in a hotel and noticed three men and a dog playing cards. The dog was playing with extraordinary performance. "This is a very smart dog," the man commented.

"Not so smart," said one of the players. "Every time he gets a good hand, he wags his tail."
 

A farmer has to go out to plow his rental field about 10 miles from his farm.

To get there he must drive his tractor, and his dog old Joe trots along beside him.

Halfway through the plowing, the tractor runs out of fuel.

He wanders out to the road and flags down a ride, which just happens to be a Ferrari. The driver says, "You can have a ride, but that dog can't get in my car."

The farmer says, "Don't worry. Old Joe will keep up."

The driver figures he'll show the farmer just what his car can do and lets it rip. Just as he is going into 5th gear, he looks out the window and sure enough Old Joe is right beside him.

He can't wait to have a look at the amazing dog, so he slams on the brakes, and the car stops rather abruptly.

The driver jumps out of exclaiming, "He's the most incredible dog I've ever seen! But what kind of collar is that he's wearing?"

The father shook he said and said, "That's not a collar. That's his asshole. He's not used to stopping that fast."
 

The Real Story of The Three Bears

It's a sunny morning in the Big Forest, and the Bear family is just waking up. Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table, he looks into his small bowl. It is empty. "Who's been eating my porridge?!!", he squeaks.

Papa Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl, and it is also empty. "Who's been eating my Porridge?," he roars.

Momma Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells, "For God's sake, how many times do we have to go through this? It was Momma Bear who got up first, It was Momma Bear who woke up everyone in the house, It was Momma Bear who made the Coffee, It was Momma Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night, and put everything away, It was Momma Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper, It was Momma Bear who set the table, It was Momma Bear who put the cat out, cleaned the litter box, and filled the cat's water and food dish, And, now that
you've decided to drag your asses downstairs and grace Momma Bear's
kitchen with your grumpy presence, listen good, cause I'm only going to say this one more time . . .

"I HAVEN'T MADE THE @#*% PORRIDGE YET !!"
 

You Can't Teach An Old Cat

What's the difference between an old cat and a baby kitten?

An old cat scratches and bites but a little pussy never hurt anybody!
 

A guy from a city once went to go see his old college pal who lived on a farm.

One morning the city slicker got up early and decided to fix breakfast for his friends family.

By the time he got from the pasture to the hose his friend was up so the guy from the city decided to show his friend what he got.

When he walked into the kitchen the farmer looked at him. The city guys face was covered in a white liquid and he had a bucket full of this white stuff.

The city guy said, "I milked the cow for you this morning."

The farmer replied, “"I don’t have a cow. I have a bull!"
 

A little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?"

Mom replies, "No, because she is in heat."

"What's that mean?" asked the child.

"Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage."

The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you."

Dad said, "Bring Belle over here." He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it and said, "Okay, that should take care of that problem.

You can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time around the block."

The little girl left, and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash.

Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?"

The little girl said, "She ran out of gas about halfway around the block, so another dog is pushing her home."
 

This is Dr. Seuss' lost tongue twister.

Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud without a mistake.

This is this cat
This is is cat
This is how cat
This is to cat
This is keep cat
This is a cat
This is dumbass cat
This is busy cat
This is for cat
This is forty cat
This is seconds cat

Now go back and read the THIRD word in each line, fromthe top down.
 

How do you know when you're really ugly?

Dogs hump your leg with their eyes closed
 

Short Changed Horse

Horse walks into a bar, orders a beer, props his hoofs on the bar, and lights a cigarette.

The bartender is a bit shocked by all this, but pours the beer, and brings it over to the horse, who proffers a ten dollar bill for it.

Now the barman figures the horse isn't that bright, so he decides to pull the old 'shortchange' trick on him.

He duly goes back to the horse with one dollar. The horse doesn't say a word.

The horse eventually finishes his beer and motions to the bartender for another.

The bartender says to him, "Y'know, we don't get many horses in here."

To which the horse replies, "At nine dollars a beer, I'm not surprised!"
 

A farmer asked a friend to recommend an attorney to defend him against a charge of bestiality.

"I know a great trial lawyer," the fellow said, "but he'sexpensive and doesn't know how to pick a jury. I know another lawyer," he continued, "who's not a great trial lawyer, but he's cheap and really knows how to pick a jury."

The farmer settled on the cheap attorney, but immediately had second thoughts when the key witness, a neighbor, began his testimony.

"I saw Jud mount his goat from behind," he said, "and when he was finished, I saw the goat turn around and lick Jud's pecker."

The accused farmer was devastated and had all but given up hope of acquittal when a juror in overalls whispered to the fellow next to him, "You know, a good goat will do that..."

 

"' Two city swingers were walking in the country when one of them spotted a bug walking across the road.

"What kind of bug is that?" he asked his companion.

The companion leaned over and looked at the bug. "It's a Lady bug."

The first man looked at the bug again, then at his friend, and said: "Man, you sure got good eyes."

A farmer was in his field helping a cow give birth, when he saw his five year old son wide eyed and taking in the whole event.

Great! The farmer thought. He's five years old and I'm gonna have to explain the birds and the bees.

I best not jump the gun. I'll let him ask and THEN I'll explain.When he was finished, the farmer walked over to his son and said, "Well son, have any questions?"

"Yeah," replied the five year old, "How fast was that calf going when it hit into that cow?"
 

"MONKEY'S VIEWPOINT"

Three monkey's sat in a coconut tree,
Discuccing things as they're said to be.
Said one to the others,"now listen, you two"
There's a certain rumor that can't be true;
That man descended from our noble race;
The very idea is a disgrace.
No monkey ever deserted his wife,
Starved her babies and ruined her life.
And you have never known of a monk
To leave her babies with others to bunk,
Or pass them on from one to another,
Till they scarcely know who is their mother.
And another thing you'll never see,
A monk build a fence around a coconut tree.
And let the coconuts go to waste,
Forbidding all monks a taste;
Why, if I put a fence around the tree,
Starvation would force you to steal from me!
Here's another thing a monk won't do---
Go out at night and get in a stew,
Or use a gun or a club or a knife,
To take some other monkey's life.
Yes,man descended, the ornery cuss,
But, brother, he didn't descend from us!
 

An old man had a dog he just loved, but the dog had the bad habit of attacking anything that moved... including people.

His friends told him that if he had the dog fixed he would lose his aggressions and quit this behavior.

So the old man had his dog fixed, and a few days later he was in his front room when the mailman came up the steps.

The dog jumped up and went right through the screen door and attacked the mailman. The old man ran out, pulled his dog off and began appologizing to the mailman.

He said, "I am SO sorry, I don't know what to do or say! My friends told me that he would quit attacking people if I had him fixed. I just don't know what to do!"

The mailman replied, "Well, you should have had his teeth removed too... when he came out that door after me, I knew at ONCE he wasn't interested in screwing me!"

 

There was a man who owned a giant gorilla and he'd never left it on its own. But eventually he had to take a trip, so he left his gorilla in the care of his next-door neighbor.

He explained to his neighbor that all he had to do was feed his gorilla three bananas a day at three, six and nine o'clock. But he was never ever to touch its fur.

So the next day the man came and gave the gorilla a banana and looked at it for a while thinking, "Why can't I touch its fur? Nothing seems to be wrong with it."

Every day he came in and sized up the gorilla for a little while longer as he still couldn't understand. About a week later, he'd worked himself into a frenzy and decided that he was going to touch the gorilla.

He passed it the banana and very gently brushed the back of his hand against its fur

Suddenly the gorilla went "ape" and started to violently jump around. Then it turned and began to running towards the man who, in turn, ran through the front door, over the lawn, across the street, into a sports car, and drove off.

In the rear-view mirror, he could see the gorilla in another sports car, driving right behind him and motioning for him to pull over. He drove for two hours until the engine began to splutter and the car just stopped.

He jumped out and began to run down the street, over a brick wall, into someone's front garden, and up an apple tree. He turned around to find the gorilla right behind him beating its chest.

The man jumped down and ran back into the street screaming, until it became dark and he thought he'd lost the gorilla.

The man ran into an alleyway then, suddenly, he saw a giant shadow coming down the street ahead. It was the gorilla! This time there was no escape. As the gorilla neared him, the man began to feel faint. The giant beast came face to face with him, slowly raised its mighty hand and said, "Tag! You're it!"
 

One day a door to door salesman knocked on the door of a house and a little kid answered. The man asked him if he could see his mother, but the boy said she was busy.

The guy really needed a sale so he told the boy he would give him a dollar if he let him see his mother.

The boy agreed and led the man through the house to the back yard.

The man could not believe what he saw, the mother was having sex with a goat!

The man looked at the boy and asked him "Doesn't this bother you?" and the boy
said "NAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!"
 

Rated PG

ORIGINAL VERSION:

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying in supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool and laughs
and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The grasshopper has no food orshelter, so he dies out in the cold.

MODERN VERSION:

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying in supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool and laughs
and dances and plays the summer away.

Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well-fed while others are cold
and starving.

CBS, NBC and ABC show up to provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to a video of the ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food. America
is stunned by the sharp contrast. How can this be, that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so?

Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper, and everybody cries when they sing, "It's Not Easy Being Green."

Jesse Jackson stages a demonstration in front of the ant's house, where the news stations film the group singing, "We shall overcome." Jesse then has the group
kneel down to pray to God for the grasshopper's sake.

Al Gore exclaims in an interview with Peter Jennings that the ant has gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper, and calls for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his "fair share."

Finally, the EEOC drafts the "Economic Equity and Anti-Grasshopper Act," retroactive to the beginning of the summer. The ant is fined for failing to hire a
proportionate number of green bugs and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the government.

Hillary gets her old law firm to represent the grasshopper in a defamation suit against the ant, and the case is tried before a panel of Federal judges that
Bill had appointed from a list of single-parent welfare recipients. The ant loses the case.

The story ends as we see the grasshopper finishing up the last bits of the ant's food while the government house he is in, which just happens to be the ant's old house, crumbles around him because he doesn't maintain it. The ant has disappeared in the snow.

The grasshopper is found dead in a drug-related incident and the house, now abandoned, is taken over by a gang of spiders who terrorize the once peaceful neighborhood.
 

A man was having trouble getting his neighbor to keep his chickens fenced in.

The neighbor kept talking about chickens being great creatures, and as such they had the right to go where they wanted.

The man was having no luck keeping the chickens out of his flower beds, and he had tried everything.

Two weeks later, on a visit a friend noticed his flower beds were doing great.

The flowers were beginning to bloom.So the friend asked him how he managed to keep the birds away. "How did you make your neighbor keep his hens in his own yard?"

"One night I hid half a dozen eggs under a bush by my flower bed, and the next day I let my neighbor see me gather them. I wasn't bothered after that."
 

Elderly lady buys a pair of parrots, but cannot identify their sexes.

She calls the shop, and the man there advises her to watch them carefully and all would become clear in time.

She spends weeks staring at the cage and eventually catches them doing what comes naturally.

To make sure she doesn't get them mixed up again, she cuts out a ring from a piece of cardboard and puts it round the male parrot's neck.

A while later, the local priests visits the old lady. The male parrot takes one look at his collar, wolf whistles, and says, "I see she caught you at it, too."
 

Under a tree a lion tries to sleep, when he hears strange laughing. He rises and strolls to the bushes where the laughter seems to come from.Behind the bush a group of elephant bulls is sitting in a circle and they are laughing their heads off.Lion:

"Hey elephants, why are you laughing?"

Elephant: "We're f*cking some monkeys"

Lion: "Well, I do that too, but I don't see what's so funny about it."

Elephant: "That's because they don't explode when YOU cum !"
 

Daisy, the beautiful, shiney, brown cow is out in the pasture feeding when Brutus the bull comes out on the other side of the barbed wire fence, dividing them.

They look up at one another and love blooms.

Stars are in Daisy's eyes and Brutus starts snorting.

Brutus scratches the ground and realizes he must hurl over the barbed wire in order to make love to her.He backs up and makes a bee line for the fence but when he gets there and leaps he unfortunately finds himself hung up on the barbed wire, right by the gnoshes.

Poor Daisy is disappointed, and a sad look comes over her face.

At which time, Brutus says:"HOW NOW BROWN COW !?"
 

Two guys are walking down a street aimlessly. To their left, leaned up against the curb, is a dog licking his private parts.

The first guy says, "Boy, I wish I could do that".

The second guy says, "Don't you think you should try petting him first?"
 

Dear Pet Owner,

To tell the weather, go to your back door and look for the dog.

If the dog is at the door and he is wet, it's probably raining.

But if the dog is standing there really soaking wet, it is probably raining really hard.

If the dog's fur looks like it's been rubbed the wrong way, it's probably windy.

If the dog has snow on his back, it's probably snowing.

Of course, to be able to tell the weather like this, you have to leave the dog outside all the time, especially if you expect bad weather.

Sincerely,

The Cat
 

Two male flies were buzzing around over a barnyard when they spotted a cute little female on a cow pie down below.

One of them says to the other, "Watch this... I'm gonna pour on the charm with a pick-up line I overheard some guy use in a bar one night and she'll be mine for life".

He spirals down and lights next to her on the cow pie, flexes his little wings and in his sexiest voice asks:

"Excuse me, beautiful... is this stool taken?"
 

The waiter comes over at the end of the night to collect for the drinks.

The skunk says, "Don't look at me, I haven't got a scent."

The duck says, "Just put it on my bill."

The cow says, "You'll have to ask one of the udders."

The deer says, "I had a buck last week and I'm expecting a little doe soon."

The giraffe says, "Well, I guess the high balls are on me then."
 

This guy went to the zoo one day. While he was standing in front of the gorilla's enclosure, the wind gusted and he got some grit in his eye. As he pulled his eyelid
down to dislodge the particle, the gorilla went crazy, bent open the bars, and beat the guy senseless.

When the guy came to, the zookeeper was anxiously bending over him. As soon as he was able to talk, he explained what had happened. The zookeeper nodded and
explained that in gorilla language, pulling down your eyelid means, "F*ck you."

This didn't make the gorilla's victim feel any better and he vowed revenge. The next day he purchased two large knives, two party hats, two party horns, and a
large sausage. Putting the sausage in his pants, hehurried to the zoo and over to the gorilla's cage, into which he tossed a hat, a knife, and a party horn. Knowing that the big apes were natural mimics, he put on a party hat. The gorilla looked at him, and looked atthe hat, and put it on. Next he picked up his horn and
blew on it.

The gorilla picked up his horn and did the same.Then the man picked up his knife, whipped the sausage out of his pants, and sliced it neatly in two. The gorilla
looked at the knife in his cage, looked at his owncrotch, and pulled down his eyelid.
 

Two mice are being chased across a field by a wolf.They duck into a small space between a couple of rocks and find themselves in a large cave. As their eyes get
used to the dim light one of them looks up at the highceiling and sees that it's covered with bats. He tugs on his companion's shoulder and says, "Look! Angels."
 

The waiter bring over the meal and tells her, "here is your duck madam".

The lady picks up the duck and sticks her finger up the duck's ass, she licks the finger and calls the waiter over and says "I ordered a Long Island Duck and this
duck is from Canada".

The waiter politely apologizes and promises to return with the correct order.

The waiter brings over another duck and once again tells " her here is your duck madam". She once again picks up the duck and sticks her finger in the ducks ass
and licks it and once again she calls the waiter over and tells him "I ordered a Long Island Duck and this Duck is from Florida, I demand a Long Island Duck!"

Once again the waiter very apologetic takes the duck away and tell her that he will be right back with the correct order.

The waiter returns with another duck and just as before he gives it to the lady and says "here is your duck madam" and once again the lady goes through the same
routine as before and this time when she licks her finger she says "Now this is a long Island Duck" she turns to the waiter and says "you are a very accommodating waiter sir, where are you from?"

The waiter turns around, drops his pants and tells her "YOU TELL ME MADAM!"
 

Just after the maid had been fired, she took five bucks from her purse and threw it to Fido, the family dog.

When asked why by her former employer, she answered, "I never forget a friend. That was for helping me clean the dishes all the time!"
 

A tom cat and a tabby cat were courting on a back fence at night.

The tom leaned over to the tabby with pent up passion and purred..."I'll die for you"

The tabby gazed at him from under lowered eye lids and asked, "How many times?"
 

DOGS' LETTERS TO GOD:

Dear God: How come people love to smell flowers, but seldom smell one another?Where are their priorities?..............

Dear God: When we get to Heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it the same old story?.

Dear God: Excuse me, but why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not one named for a dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We dogs lovea nice ride! I know every breed cannot have its own model, but it would be easy to rename the Chrysler Eagle the Chrysler Beagle!.

Dear God: If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad dog?.

Dear God: Is it true that in Heaven, dining room tables have on ramps?..................

Dear God: If we come back as humans, is that good or bad?.....................

Dear God: More meatballs, less spaghetti, please...................

Dear God: When we get to the Pearly Gates, do we have to shake hands to get in?.

Dear God: We dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent IDs, electromagnetic energy fields, and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand?...................

Dear God: Are there dogs on other planets or are we alone? I have been howling at the moon and stars for a long time, but all I ever hear back is the beagle across the street!...................

Dear God: Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize?.

Dear God: Is it true that dogs are not allowed in restaurants because we can't make up our minds what NOT to order? Or is it the carpet thing, again?.

Dear God: May I have my testicles back?

 

Dog: "They keep putting the lid down on the big water bowl."

Goldfish: "Just because I have a three-second memory, they don't think I'll mind eating the same fish flakes ... Oh boy! Fish flakes!"

Dog: "Man, why do they keep rubbing my nose in it? I already KNOW whose it is!"

Goldfish: "The knight never comes out of the castle to fight me for dominion over the fish tank. So I must continue patrolling, for I am lord and master!"

Parrot: "Tease, tease, tease! But do those greedy clowns ever really give me a cracker? HECK, no!"

Cat: "Why are these people in my house?"

Goldfish: "Oh, tap-tap-tap! There's a new one!"


 

Two Robins were searching for food when they saw farmer Brown plowing.

Anticipating a feast they flew down and feasted on juicy worms.

Too full to fly they decided to lay and bask in the sun for a while.

Suddenly farmer Brown's cat pounced and ate both Robins.

Then with his belly full he laid out in the sun and said to himself "Thank God for baskin' Robins!"
 

A frog telephones the Psychic Hotline and is told,"You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."

The frog says, "This is great! Will I meet her at a party, or what?"

"No," says the psychic. "Next semester in her biology class."
 

This snail wanted an "S" painted on his car. So he went to a paint shop and got the "S" painted on his car.

While he was driving really fast a guy yelled,"Hey, look at the "S"-car-go."
 

Xaxier and his mule were walking down the road when one of Xaxier's friends drove up and offered him a ride to town.

Xaxier got into the truck while his mule ran along behind. The mule was right in back of them as they reached 55 MPH, and stayed with them as they sped up to 70 MPH.

"I'm worried about your mule," said the driver. "His tongue's hanging out."

"Which way?" asked Xaxier.

"Left," his friend said.

"Well, stay in this lane---he's about to pass.
 

Mrs. Davidson's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told him, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the
dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you the check.

By the way, don't worry about my Doberman. He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT under ANYcircumstances talk to my parrot!"

When the repairman arrived at Mrs. Davidson's apartment the next day, he discovered the biggest and meanest looking Doberman he had ever seen. But just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet, watching the repairman go about his business. However, the parrot drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant
yelling, cursing, and name-calling.

Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled, "Shut up, you stupid ugly bird!"

To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!"
 

A lady took her poodle to the parlor for a haircut. When she asked what it would cost, the girl behind the counter told her "$60".

The lady waas outraged. "I only pay $50 for my own haircut!"

"But you don't bite, do you?" the girl replied.
 

A man told the ringmaster that he was interested in joining the circus as a lion tamer. The ringmaster asked if he had any experience and the man said,"Why, yes. My father was one of the most famous lion tamers in the world, and he taught me everything he
knew."

"Really?" said the ringmaster. "Did he teach you how to make a lion jump through a flaming hoop?"

"Yes he did," the man replied.

"And did he teach you how to have six lions form a pyramid?"

"Yes he did," the man replied.

"And have you ever stuck your head in a lion's mouth?"

"Just once," the man replied.

The ringmaster asked, "Why only once?"

And the man said, "I was looking for my father."

Top 15 Pet Peeves Dogs Have About Humans

1. When you run away in the middle of a perfectly goodleg humping.

2. Blaming your farts on me - not funny.

3. Yelling at me for barking - I'M A FRIGGIN' DOG, YOU IDIOT!!

4. How you naively believe that the stupid cat isn't all over everything while you're gone. (Have you noticed that you toothbrush tastes a little like cat butt?)

5. Taking me for a walk, then not letting me checkstuff out. Exactly who's walk is this anyway?

6. Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose -stop it!

7. Yelling at me for rubbing my ass on your carpet. Why'd you buy carpet?!

8. Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry, but I haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet!

9. How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both know the truth; you're jealous.

10. Dog sweaters. Have you noticed the fur?

11. Any haircut that involves bows and ribbons. Now you know why we chew your shit up when you're not home.

12. When you pick up the crap piles in the yard. Do you realize how far behind schedule that puts me?

13. Taking me to the vet for "the big snip," then acting surprised when I freak out every time we go back.

14. The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw. You fooled a dog! What a proud moment for the top of the food chain.1

15. Invisible fences. Why do you insist on screwing with us? To my knowledge, dogdom hasn't yet solved the visible fence problem!!
 

Playing ChessA man went to visit a friend and was amazed to find him playing chess with his dog.

He watched the game in astonishment for a while.

"I can hardly believe my eyes!" he exclaimed. "That's the smartest dog I've ever seen."

"Nah, he's not so smart," the friend replied. "I've beaten him three games out of five."
 

A wife says to her husband one weekend morning, "We've got such a clever dog. He brings in the daily newspapers every morning."

Her husband replied, "Well, lots of dogs can do that."

The wife responded, "But we've never subscribed to any papers! That's what makes him so clever."
 

In the lake there is a fish, above the fish there is a fly buzzing around about 4 inches above the water.

The fish is thinking, "If the fly drops 3 inches, I am going to have lunch".

On the shore there is a bear and he is thinking, "If that fly drops 3 inches, the fish jumps up, I am going to have lunch".

Behind the bear in the trees is a hunter eating a cheese sandwich thinking, "If that fly drops 3 inches, the fish jumps up, the bear runs out I am going to have some good
lunches"!

Below the hunter is a mouse thinking, "If that fly drops 3 inches, the fish jumps up, the bear runs out, the hunter will drop his cheese sandwich and run, I will
have lunch!"

Well, behind the mouse is a cat and the cat is thinking, "If the fly drops 3 inches, the fish jumps up, the bear runs after the fish, the hunter drops his cheese sandwich and runs, that mouse will come out to eat and I will have the mouse for lunch"!

What do you know, it happens. The fly drops 3 inches, the fish jumps up, the bear runs out after the fish, the hunter drops his cheese sandwich to shoot the bear, the
mouse comes out after the cheese sandwich, and the cat goes to get the mouse but stumbled and falls into the river.

The moral of the story?

Pussy always gets wet when the fly drops 3 inches!
 

A little field mouse was scampering across a field when all at once an eagle swooped down and swallowed him whole. After a while the little mouse was able to work his way through the eagle's body and poke his head out of the eagle's rectum. The eagle was still flying
around, looking for more food to eat.

The little mouse said, "We're pretty high up, aren't we?"

"Yep. Pretty high", the eagle agreed.

"About how high would you say we are?", asked the mouse.

"Oh.....I'd say about 10,000 feet".

To which the mouse asked, "You wouldn't shit me would you?"
 

A mother was reading a book about animals to her 3 year old daughter:

Mother: "What does the cow say?"

Child: "Moo!"

Mother: "Great! What does the cat say?"

Child: "Meow."

Mother: "Oh, you're so smart! What does the frog say?"

And this wide-eyed little 3 year old looked up at her mother and in her deepest voice replied, "Bud."
 

A man goes into a pet store and asks the clerk, "Do you have any dogs that go cheap?"

The Clerk says, "No, We have birds that go cheep, our dogs go BARK!"
 

Honorable Secretary of Agriculture
Washington, D.C.

Dear Sir;

My friend, Ed Peterson, over at Wells Iowa, received a check for $1,000 from the government for not raising hogs.

So, I want to go into the "not raising hogs" business next year.What I want to know is, in your opinion, what is the best kind of farm not to raise hogs on, and what is the best breed of hogs not to raise?

I want to be sure that I approach this endeavor in keeping with all governmental policies. I would prefer not to raise razorbacks, but if that is not a good breed not to raise, then I will just as gladly not raise Yorkshires or Duress.

As I see it, the hardest part of this program will be in keeping an accurate inventory of how many hogs I haven't raised.

My friend, Peterson, is very joyful about the future of the business. He has been raising hogs for twenty years or so, and the best he ever made on them was $422 in 1968, until this year when he got your check for $1000 for not raising hogs.

If I get $1000 for not raising 50 hogs, will I get $2000 for not raising 100 hogs? I plan to operate on a small scale at first, holding myself down to about 4000 hogs not raised, which will mean about $80,000 the first year.

Then I can afford an airplane. Now another thing, these hogs I will not raise will not eat 100,000 bushels of corn. I understand that you also pay farmers for not raising corn and wheat.

Will I qualify for payments for not raising wheat and corn not to feed the 4000 hogs I am not going to raise?

Also, I am considering the "not milking cows" business, so send me any information you have on that too.

In view of these circumstances, you understand that I will be totally unemployed and plan to file for unemployment and food stamps.

Be assured you will have my vote in the coming election.

Patriotically Yours,

Zebediah was in the fertilized egg business.

He had several hundred young layers, called pullets, and eight or ten roosters, whose jobs were to fertilize the eggs.

Zeb kept records, and any rooster or pullet that didn't perform well went into the pot, and was replaced. That took an awful lot of time, so Zeb got a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.

Zeb's favourite rooster was old Brewster. A very fine specimen he was too, only his bell had not rung all morning! Zeb went to investigate.

Several roosters were chasing pullets, bells a-ringing! BUT, Brewster had his bell in his beak so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. Zeb was so proud of Brewster that he entered him in the county fair.

Brewster was an overnight sensation!!

The judges not only awarded him...

THE NO BELL PIECE PRIZE, but also...

THE PULLET SURPRISE!!!

My aunt's neighbor in New York had a beautiful black cat, Felix, who spent his days outside and came indoors at night. One cool October evening, he disappeared.

The neighbor searched for him in vain for several days. The following spring, however, Feliz reappeared, looking healthy and clean. She figured he's been out sowing his wild oats.

Everything was back to normal until that autumn, when Felix disappeared again.

The next spring, he returned. Perplexed, my aunt's friend began asking neighbors for clues. Finally, she rang the bell of an older couple who lived down the street.

"A black cat?" the woman said. "Oh, yes! My husband and I hated to see him out in the cold, so we bought a cat carrier. We take him to Florida with us every winter."

When Your Cow Has Mad Cow Disease

Your cow insists that all Hindus are sacred.

Your cow takes up painting and cuts off one of its ears.

Your cow refuses to let you milk her, saying: "Not on the first date."

You catch your cow hiding secret plans to burn down half of Chicago.

Your cow demands to be branded with the 'Golden Arches Logo'.

Your cow thought Frank Bruno would beat Mike Tyson.

Your cow appears on Oprah and Jerry Springer, claiming to be a horse trapped in a cow's body.

Your cow is wearing a little A-1 sauce behind each ear as cologne.

Your cow quits the family dairy and applies for a job at Burger King.

 

There was a hound dog laying in the yard. An old man in overalls was sitting on the porch.

"Excuse me, Sir, but does your dog bite?", the tourist asked. The old man replied, "Nope."

So the tourist stepped out of his car. The dog ran over snarling and growling and bit him on his arms and legs. As the dog was dragging him away the tourist was
flailing around in the dust and yelled, "I thoughtyou said your dog didn't bite!"

The old man replied, "Ain't my dog."
 

There are two monkeys and one woman on a research aboard the Space Shuttle. There's a call from HQ, for the first monkey to come to the TV monitor. The monkey is instructed to check the pressure in the main compartment, increase the oxygen mixture by 10% and decrease the temperature in engine four by 4.8 degrees. The monkey goes off and performs all the tasks as asked.

HQ calls again, this time for the second monkey, who is told to increase the carbon dioxide levels, check the solar radiation unit, and increase the output of the fuel injection system by 12.4%. Off goes the second monkey and does all his jobs.

Later on, HQ calls again and asks for the woman. She comes to the monitor, and just before HQ could issue her instructions she interrupts, "Yes, yes, I know. Feed themonkeys and don't touch anything."

Mighty Mouse

Three mice are sitting at a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late at night trying to impress each other about how tough they are. The first mouse orders a scotch, gulps it down and slams the glass on the bar. He turns to the second mouse and says, "When I see a mousetrap, I lie on my back and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, bench press it 20 times to work up an appetite, and then make off with the cheese."

The second mouse orders two shots of bourbon, slams them down and nearly breaks the glasses on the bar. He turns to the first mouse and replies, "Yeah, well, when I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can, take it home, grind it into a powder, and add it to my coffee each morning so I can get a good buzz going for the rest of the day."

The first mouse and the second mouse then turn to the third mouse. The third mouse lets out a long sigh and says to the first two, "I don't have time for this BS. I gotta go home and screw the cat."
 

My neighbor was bit by a stray rabid dog. I went to see how he was and found him writing frantically.

I told him rabies could be cured and he didn't have to worry about a will.

"Will?" "What will!!" he said.

"I'm making a list of the people I wanna bite!!!!!
 

"Marine biology researchers have developed a new method to fend off shark attacks. If you are diving and are approached by a shark, they recommend that you swim towards it aggressively and punch it in the nose as hard as possible."

"If this doesn't work, beat the shark with your stump."
 

A motorist driving by a Texas ranch hit and killed a calf that was crossing the road.

The driver went to the owner of the calf and explained what had happened. He then asked what the animal was worth.

"Oh, about $200 today," said the rancher. "But in six years it would have been worth $900. So $900is what I'm out."

The motorist sat down and wrote out a check and handed it to the farmer. "Here," he said, "is the check for $900. It is postdated six years from now."
 

Why are there no trained-donkey acts in the circus?

Because nobody likes a smart-ass.

If you want someone who'll make a total fool of himself because he's soglad to see you, get a dog.

If you want someone who's always ready to go out any time you ask, get a
dog.

If you want someone who'll be content JUST to snuggle up and keep you warm
in bed, get a dog. (You can always kick him out of the bed and make him
sleep in the laundry room if he snores. Try THAT with a man!)

If you want someone who eats whatever you put in front of him, and never
says "Why can't you make it like Mom did?" get a dog.

If you want someone who can scare away burglars without brandishing a
lethal weapon, endangering you (and all the neighbors), get a dog.

If you want someone who will do anything to please YOU, get a dog.

If you want someone to bring in your newspaper without tearing through it
first for the sports page, get a dog.

If you want someone who never criticizes ANYTHING you do, doesn't care how
bad you look, acts as though every word you say is worth hearing, and
loves you unconditionally, get a dog.

If you want someone who NEVER touches the remote, couldn't care less about
Monday Night Football, and watches teary movies with you as long as you
want, get a dog.

ON THE OTHER HAND...

If you want someone who totally ignores you when you walk into a room, get
a cat.

If you want someone who acts as though you are there only to see that HE's
happy, get a cat.

If you want someone who'll prowl around all night and come home only to
eat and sleep all day, get a cat.

If you want someone who leaves hair all over the place, get a cat.

If you want someone who never comes when you call him, get a cat.

If you want someone who'll walk all over you, get a cat.
 

A preacher went to his church office on Monday morning and discovered a dead mule in the church yard. He called the police.
Since there did not appear to be any foul play, the police referred the preacher to the health department.

They said since there was no health threat that he should call the sanitation department.

The sanitation manager said he could not pick up the mule without authorization from the mayor.

Now the preacher knew the mayor and was not to eager to call him. The mayor had a bad temper and was generally hard to deal with, but the preacher called him anyway.

The mayor did not disappoint. He immediately began to rant and rave at the pastor and finally said, "Why did you call me anyway? Isn't it your job to bury the dead?"

The preacher paused for a brief prayer and asked the Lord to direct his response. He was led to say, "Yes, Mayor, it is my job to bury the dead, but I always like to notify the next of kin first!"

 

Sure fire way to protect your property....just post this sign:

"WARNING....THIS PROPERTY PROTECTED BY A PIT BULL WITH AIDS!"
 

Two alligators are sitting on the edge of a swamp. The small one turns to the big one and says; I don't understand how you can be so much bigger than me. We're the same age, we were the same size as kids... I just don't get it."

"Well," says the big alligator, "what have you been eating?"

"Lawyers, same as you," replies the small alligator.

"Hm. Well, where do you catch'em?"

"Down at that law firm on the edge of the swamp."

"Same here. Hm. How do you catch'em?"

"Well, I crawl under a BMW and wait for someone to unlock the door. Then I jump out, bite'em, shake the shit out of 'em, and eat'em!"

"Ah!" says the big alligator, "I think I see your problem. See, by thetime you get done shakin' the shit out of a lawyer, there's nothing'left but lips and a briefcase..."

Joe buys a cute little filly that he plans on racing next season, but when he gets her home, his old stallion smells her and wants her, and starts kicking up dust.

Joe doesn't want her knocked up, because she won't be able to race, so he calls the vet. The vet tells him to tie a bed sheet around the filly's rump to keep the stallion away.

So that day, Joe does just that. The next day, the farmer goes out to the corral to make sure the vet's solution worked, but the filly is nowhere to be found. Joe follows her hoof trail to the neighbors farm, and sees the neighbor's kid out by their barn.

"Hey, young man," Joe calls, "did you see a filly run by with a bed sheet tied around her rump?"

The kid replies, "No, sir, but one dashed past here early this morning with a handkerchief sticking out of her ass!"

DOG OR DAWG?

To all you dog lovers out there and those who understand the difference
between Yankees and Southerners...

A Translation Of Yankee Dogs To Southern Dawgs

(Yankee) German Shepherd Dog
(Southern) Poh-leece Dawg.

(Yankee) Poodle
(Southern) Circus Dawg.

(Yankee) St. Bernard
(Southern) "Thank Gawd, Here Comes The Whiskey Dawg."

(Yankee) Doberman Pinscher
(Southern-2 versions) Bad Dawg, or Dobimin Pinches.

(Yankee) Beagle
(Southern) Rabbit Dawg.

(Yankee) Rottweiler
(Southern) Bad Dawg AND Mean As Heck Dawg. Good dawg to guard the still.

(Yankee) Yellow Lab
(Southern) Ol' Yeller Dawg.

(Yankee) Black Lab
(Southern) Duck fetchin' Dawg.

(Yankee) Greyhound
(Southern) Greased Lightnin' Dawg.

(Yankee) Malinois
(Southern) Another kind of Poh-leece Dawg.

(Yankee) Blue Ticks, Red Bones, etc.
(Southern) Prize Coon Dawgs.

(Yankee) Pekinese
(Southern) Mop Dawg.

(Yankee) Chinese Crested
(Southern) Nekkid Dawg.

(Yankee) Dachshund
(Southern) Wienie Dawg.

(Yankee) Siberian Husky
(Southern) Sled-Pullin' Dawg.

(Yankee) Bouvier, Komondor
(Southern) "What The Heck Kinda Dawg Is That?"

(Yankee) Great Dane, Mastiff
(Southern) Danged BIG Dawg.

(Yankee) Any dog that raids the hen house
(Southern) Egg-Suckin' Dawg.

(Yankee) Any lazy dog
(Southern) Good fer nothin' Dawg.

(Yankee) Any dog that's dead & buried & gone to Rainbow Bridge
(Southern) Best danged Dawg I ever had
 

My neighbor found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the
veterinarian. He found the problem was hair in it's ears and cleaned both
ears and the dog could hear fine.

The vet then told the lady if she wanted to keep this from reoccurring she
should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub in it's ears
once a month.

The lady goes to the drug store and gets some "Nair" hair remover.

At the register the druggist tells her "If you're going to use this under
your arms don't use deodorant for a few days."

The lady says "I'm not using it under my arms."

The druggist says "If you're using it on your legs, don't shave for a couple
of days."

The lady says "I'm not using it on my legs either, and if you must know I'm
using it on my schnauzer."

The druggist says "Stay off your bicycle for a week."
 

John came back from a safari in Africa. Upon arrival, he went to his friend, Mark, and told him of his adventures.

"I was out in the jungle," he said, "when all of a sudden I heard anoise in the bush behind me. Looking back, I saw a huge lion, licking his chops and smiling at me.

The lion started coming my way and I started running, with the lion not far behind. When the lion was almost at my neck, he suddenly slipped, and I got ahead a bit.

The lion started gaining on me again, and as he got closer, once again he slipped.

I happened to see a house not far away, so I made a run for it. I got close to the house with the lion almost on top of me when he slipped for a third time.

With my very last bit of strength, I ran into the house and closed the door in the lion's face."

"That's some story there, John, I would have went in my pants."

"Well, WHAT DO YOU THINK THE LION KEPT SLIPPING ON?"
 

A vacationing penguin is driving through Arizona whenhe notices the oil pressure light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station.

After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He sees an ice cream shop, and being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would really hit the spot.

He sits down to eat. Having no hands, he makes a real mess trying to eat with his little flippers. After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he's found the problem.

The mechanic looks up from the engine and says, "It looks like you blew a seal."

"No, no," the penguin replies wiping his mouth, "it's just ice cream."
 

One night a man heard howls coming from his basement and went down to discover a female cat being humped by a mouse.

Fascinated by what he saw, the man gained the mouses confidence with some cheese and then took him next door. The mouse repeated his amazing performance by humping a German Shepherd.

The man, very excited by this, was dying to show someone his discovery. He rushed home and woke up his wife but before he could explain, she saw the mouse, screamed, and covered her head with the blanket.

Don't be afraid, darling, said the man. Wait until I tell you about this.

Get out of here! cried his wife. And take that sex maniac with you!

Three elderly gentlemen were sitting on a park bench discussing what the meanest animal in the world was.

The first said, "The meanest animal in the world is a Hippopotamus, cause it's got such big jowls. Onebite and your gone."

The second shook his head and said "Nah, hippo may be mean, but ain't nothing meaner than an alligator.He got a big mouth and all them teeth, snap, one bite, ha, one swallow, you gone."

The third gentleman sat for a moment, and finally he spoke and said, " No sir, the meanest animal in the world is a hippagator."

The other two in disbelief inquired as to what in the world is a hippagator, believing there was no such animal.

The gentleman slowly began to explain, " A hippagator got a hippo head on one end, and an 'gator head on the other".

"WAIT" interrupted the others, "If he has a head on both ends, How does he shit?"

The reply was simply," He don't, that's what makes him so mean"!

 

One day, a cat dies of natural causes and goes to Heaven, where he meets the Lord.

The Lord says to the cat, "You lived a good life, and if there is any way I can make your stay in heaven more comfortable, please let me know."

The cat thinks for a moment and says, "Lord, all my life I have lived witha poor family and had to sleep on a hard wooden floor."

The Lord stops the cat and says, "Say no more," and a wonderful, fluffy pillow appears.

A few days later, six mice are killed in a tragic farming accident, and all of them go to heaven. Again, the Lord is there to greet them with the same offer.

The mice answer, "All our lives we have been chased. We have had to run from cats, dogs, and even women with brooms. Running, running, running;we're tired of running. Do you think we could have roller skates so that we don't have to run anymore?"

The Lord says, "Say no more" and fits each mouse with beautiful new roller skates.

About a week later, the Lord stops by to see the cat and finds him
snoozing on the pillow.

The Lord gently wakes the cat and asks him, "How are things since you got here?"

The cat stretches and yawns, then replies, "It is wonderful here. Better than I could have ever expected. And those 'Meals On Wheels' you've been sending by are the best!"
 

An infant rabbit was orphaned. Fortunately though, a family of
squirrels took it in and raised it as if it were one of their own. This adoption led to some peculiar behaviours on the part of the rabbit, including a tendency for it to eschew jumping but rather to embrace running around like its step siblings.

As the rabbit passed through puberty, however, it soon faced an identity crisis (don't we all!). It went to its stepparents to discuss the problem.

It allowed as to how it felt different from its stepsiblings, was
unsure of its place in the universe, and was generally forlorn.

Their response was ... "Don't scurry, be hoppy."

 

What went through the fly's mind as he hit the windshield?

His butt!

 

Two hunters were in a lodge, making small talk. One of them asked the other, "So, what do you hunt?"

He answered, "I hunt unicorns."

The first hunter was startled, but said, "Really? How do you do that?"

The other answered "I find a virgin and hire her to help me. The virgin sits around in the woods until a unicorn comes to her. When it does, it sets off a snare."

The first hunter said "Boy, they must be hard to find. I've heard of them, but I've never seen one."

The second hunter said "Yeah, and there aren't many unicorns around, either!
 

Morris a devout cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences on uncle Mendel's dairy farm.

Three weeks later a cow walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth.

The Jewish cowboy couldn't believe his eyes. He took the precious book out of the cow's mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, with great joy...

"It's a miracle!"

"Not Really," said the cow. "Your name it's written inside the cover."
 

On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together. One day, the two were playing when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink.

Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for thechicken to go get the farmer for help!

Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor.

Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Z-3 series BMW. Finding
the keys inside, the chicken sped off with a length of rope, hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.

Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive in the shiny BMW, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him. After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's car, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful car, rescued the horse!

Happy and proud, the chicken drove the BMW back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.

The friendship between the two animals was cemented: best buddies, best pals.

A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life!

The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle.

Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his "thing" and he would then lift him out of the pit.

The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.

The moral of the story?

When you're hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks.
 

The "No Love" Boat

When the ark's door was closed, Noah called a meeting with all the animals and said in a demanding voice:

"Listen up! There will be NO sex on this trip. Not even the wetting of the tip of your penis. All of you males, take off your penises and hand them to Jim the Monkey. He will write you a receipt.

After we see land, you can get your penis back."

After about a week, Mr. Rabbit ran over to his wife and very excitedly said, "Quick! Get on my shoulders and look out the window to see if there is any land out there!"

Mrs. Rabbit got onto his shoulders, looked out the window and said, "Sorry, no land yet."

"Shit!" shouted Mr. Rabbit and out he went.

This went on every day until Mrs. Rabbit got fed up with him.

"What is the matter with you? It's raining to end the world, there is no sign of letting up, and there's no chance of finding land."

"But we HAVE to get back to land - look!" said Mr. Rabbit with an impatient look on his face as he held out a piece of paper.

"I GOT THE DONKEY'S RECEIPT!" ;D

 

A cat goes up to a rooster and says, "I can do anything you can do!"

The rooster took the challenge and jumped over a broomstick.

The cat jumped over the broomstick and said, "See, I can do anything you can do!"

The rooster then went to a tiny brook, jumped/flew across and then asked the cat to do it.

The cat ran, jumped, and fell in the water.

The rooster had a great laugh as the cat got out of the water.

The moral of this story is: Wherever there is a wet pussy, there's a happy cock.
 

A pony goes into a bar and says "Bartender, may I have a drink?"

The bartender says, "What? I can't hear you, speak up!"

"May I please have a drink?" "What? You have to speak up!" "

Could I please have a drink?"

"Now listen, if you don't speak up I will not serve you."

"I'm sorry, I'm just a little hoarse."
 

A guy is not getting along with his wife, and is lonely, so he goes to the pet shop to find a companion. He spots a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says out loud, "Geez. I wonder what happened to this parrot?"

"I was born this way," says the parrot. "I'm a defective parrot."

"Ha, ha," the guy laughs. "It sounded like this parrot actually understood what I said and answered me."

"I understood every word, says the parrot. "I am a highly intelligent, thoroughly educated bird."

"Yeah?" the guy asks. "Then how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"

"Well," the parrot says, "this is a little embarrassing but, well… I wrap my little pecker around this wooden bar, it's like a little hook. You can't see it 'cause of my feathers."

The guy is amazed and looks at the price tag. "Two hundred dollars!" he says. "I can't afford that."

"Pssst," the parrot hisses, motioning the guy over with one wing. "Nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can get me for $20. Just make an offer."

The guy offers 20 bucks and, sure enough, walks out with the parrot.

Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational! He's funny, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, sympathizes, gives good advice. The guy is delighted. One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot says, "Psst," and motions him over. The guy goes up close to the cage. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not," but it's about your wife and the mailman."

"What?" says the guy.

"Well," the parrot says, "when the mailman came to the door today, your wife greeted him in a sheer nightgown and kissed him on the mouth."

"What happened then?" asks the guy.

"Then the mailman came into the house and lifted up the nightgown and began petting her all over," reports the parrot.

"Oh No!" the guy says. "Then what?"

"Then he lifted up the nightgown, got down on his knees and began to look at her body, starting with her breasts and slowly going down and down." The parrot pauses for a long time.

"What happened? "What happened?" says the frantic guy.

"I don't know," says the parrot. "I got a hard-on and fell off my perch."

 

Three penises were talking to each other and the first one said, "I like my master he lets me look outside."

The second said, "I like my master he plays with me."

The third said, "I hate my master he puts me in a rubber suit and pushes me in and out of a dark cave till I puke."
 

A lady who was very lonesome bought a parrot from a pet store, complete with cage.

Before purchasing it she got a guarantee that the parrot would talk.

She took the parrot home.

In a week and a half she returned to the store very disappointed.

"The parrot doesn't talk.""Did you buy a mirror?"

"No."

"Every parrot needs a mirror."

So she bought a mirror and installed it in the parrot's cage.

Another week and a half went by and she returned.

"The parrot still doesn't talk."

"Did you buy a ladder?"

"No."

"Every parrot needs a ladder."

So she bought a ladder and installed it in the cage.

Another week and a half passed and she returned.

"The parrot still doesn't talk."

"Did you buy a swing?"

"No."

"Every parrot needs a swing."

So she bought a swing and installed it in the cage.

A week and a half later she returned.

She was furious!

The store owner asked, "Did the parrot talk?"

"No!, he died."

"Oh, that's terrible.

Did he say anything before he died?"

"Yes."

"What?"

"He gasped 'Don't they have any food down at that store?'"
 

COW FOR SALE

Kevin and his wife were driving in the country when he saw a sign that said, "Cow For Sale... $5000."

Kevin pulled in and said to the farmer, "There's no cow in the world worth five thousand dollars."

The farmer said, "Oh, yeah? Take a look at this!" He lifted the cow's tail, and Kevin saw that the cow had a snatch just like a woman.

Kevin got back in the car, turned to his wife, and began to cry, "It's just not fair. Here's this farmer with a cow that has a snatch like a woman and it's worth $5000. And here I am, with you, with a snatch like a cow, and you ain't worth shit!"
 

An ardent young man was collecting flowers for his girlfriend in a
large field, when he noticed a large bull off to the side,
snorting and getting ready to charge at him.

Alarmed, he called out to the farmer he saw standing nearby, "Is
this bull safe?!"

The farmer spat a wad of chewin' tobacco out his mouth and
replied, "Yep, that's a safe bull! He's perfectly safe. However,
YOU ain't!"...

 

This farmer has a cross-eyed cow that keeps bumping into things.

He calls the vet to try to remedy the problem.

The vet says. "I think the best thing is to stick a pipe up his ass and blow real hard and the cows eyes will straighten out.

The vet - a 70 year old man - inserts the pipe and blows.

The cows eyes begin to straighten, but the vet soon looses his breath and the cows eyes are crossed again.

The vet gives it another try, but looses his breath again. The vet looks at the farmer - a young healthy man - and says, you look like a strong man, why don't you give it a try.

The farmer agrees. He then takes the pipe out of the cows ass, turns it around, and sticks it back in. He then begins to blow.

Holy smokes, says the vet. What in the hell did you do that for.

The farmer replies, "You don't think I am gonna put my mouth on the same end of the pipe that you had yours on, do you?!"
 

These three old men were discussing how smart their pets were.

One said he had a cat that kept the whole neighborhood free of mice. Every day for two years he had killed any mouse that entered his area.

The other two men agreed, that was a smart cat.

The second man said he had a smart hunting dog. The other day he took him out and he got seven rabbits in one day.

The other two men said that's a smart dog.

The third man said he had a smart horse.

He went out riding the other day and accidently fell off the horse and broke his leg. That horse picked him up, carried him home, put him on the couch and called the doctor.

The two men said that really was a smart horse but his owner said" He isn't as smart as he seems. He called a darn Horse doctor."

 

What do you get if you cross a donkey with an onion?

Most of the time you simply get an onion with long ears, but every once in a while, you luck out and get a piece of ass that brings tears to your eyes.

 

This man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says to him, "My dog's cross-eyed. Is there anything you can do for him?"

"Well," says the vet, "Let's have a look at him." So the vet picks the dog up to have a good look at his eyes. After pausing for a while to think, the vet says, "I'm going to have to put him down."

"Just because he's cross-eyed!!?" says his owner.

"No," replies the vet, "Because he's heavy!"
 

This guy sees a sign in front of a house "Talking Dog for Sale."

He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the back yard.

The guy goes into the back yard and sees a mutt sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the mutt replies.

"So, what's your story?

"The mutt looks up and says "Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leader, cause no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running.

The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals.Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. The owner says "Ten dollars."

The guy says he'll buy him but asks the owner, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him?"

The owner replies, "He's such a darn liar."
 

Last weekend, I went for a walk on an old trail in the woods behind my grandparents farm.

It was always one of my favorite quiet spots, and ran by a large pond; really quite a serene place to be alone and collect your thoughts.

As I walked, I listened to the occasional fish splash in the water, the birds chirping overhead, squirrels running around in the fallen leaves.

I needed the relaxation and the time to collect my thoughts: That's when I noticed something that seemed to put much of life in perspective.

I noticed a chipmunk sitting on top of a tree stump that sat about halfway in the water, eating an acorn. Suddenly, the biggest fish I'd ever seen came up out of the water and ate the chipmunk.

My grandfather and I had seen this happen before, so I really didn't think anything of it.... until I saw the fish come back up and put another acorn on top of the stump.
 

A camel and an elephant were having a chat.

The elephant says to the camel "Why have you got your tits on
your back?"

The camel replies "That's rich coming from someone who has their dick on their face!"

 

The vet told the lady if she wanted to keep this from reoccurring she
should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub in it's ears once a month.

The lady goes to the drug store and gets some "Nair" hair remover.

At the register the druggist tells her "If you're going to use this
under your arms don't use deodorant for a few days."

The lady says "I'm not using it under my arms."

The druggist says "If you're using it on your legs don't shave for a
couple of days."

The lady says "I'm not using it on my legs either, and if you must know I'm using it on my schnauzer."

The druggist says "Stay off your bicycle for a week."

 

A dog owner in Dallas had a pit bull that hated to walk.He kept sitting down and bracing his feet so that hisowner would have to drag him by his leash.

The owner finally gave up when he realized that he was creating a . . . bottomless pit!

 

"Your dog is pretty dirty!" Janet said to her next door neighbor's little girl.

"Yes," the girl said, "and he's even prettier when he's clean...."
 

What do you get if you cross a donkey with an onion?

Most of the time you simply get an onion with long ears, but every once in awhile, you luck out and get a piece of ass that brings
tears to your eyes.

It's springtime, and the baby bear comes out of his cave. His
legs are wobbling, he's a wreck. He's skin and bones, with big
circles under his eyes.

His mother says, "Junior! Did you hibernate all winter like you were supposed to?"

He says, "Hibernate? I thought you said masturbate!"

 

One day a poppa dog asked his puppy son if he would like to go to the dog show with him.

Of course the little puppy eagerly agreed.

While there the poppa dog entered himself in the show. Lo and behold, he came away with the blue ribbon for 'best of show'.

On the way home he suggested to his son that they stop by the local pub to celebrate with a beer or two. The puppy drank sodas while his father had several beers.

When they got home poppa realized that they had left the ribbon on the bar!

The puppy said, "You've had enough to drink already, Pop. I'll run back for it."

When he climbed up onto the bar stool the bartender asked, "What'll you have young man?"

The puppy replied, "I'LL HAVE PAP'S BLUE RIBBON, PLEASE!

Q: Why are there no trained donkey acts in the circus?

A: Because nobody likes a smart-ass.

Rated G

There were three little pigs that went to a restaurant for dinner. The
waiter came to the table and asked if they would like something to drink.

The first piggy said, "I would like a Dr. Pepper."

The second piggy said, "I would like a glass of tea,"

The third piggy said, "I would like a glass of water."

When the waiter brought the drinks, he asked if they were ready to order.

The first piggy said, would like a Hamburger."

The second piggy said, "I would like a Steak."

The third piggy said, "I would like a glass of water."

When the piggies were finished eating, the waiter asked if they would like some dessert.

The first piggy said, "I would like a hot fudge sundae."

The second piggy said, "I would like a banana split."

The third piggy said, "I would like a glass of water."

When the piggies were finished with dessert, the waiter brought their
check. Before he left the table, he asked the third little piggy why he only ordered water.

The third piggy said, "Well, someone has to go 'Wee wee all the way
home.'"
 

THREE GNUS

Once upon a time in the enchanted forest there lived three gnus (pronounced 'nooze'). There was a momma gnu. There was a poppa gnu. And there was a baby gnu.

Well. Came dinner time one day and there was nothing to eat. So the poppa gnu decided to go out into the forest and collect some nuts and berries for dinner.

Just then baby gnu piped up and said "Bleah! Nuts and berries again!"

So the poppa gnu went out into the forest. Little did he know that it was hunting season for gnus. And as he was walking along...

BLAM! BLAM!

The hunter killed him dead in his tracks.

After a while, momma gnu decided that old pops must be lost out in the forest. So she said "Baby, you be a good gnu while I go out to look for your old man."

She didn't know it was hunting season for gnus either. And as she was walking along...

BLAM! BLAM!

The hunter killed her dead in her tracks.

After a while, baby gnu was getting a little lonely and decided to go out and look for his parents. He didn't know it was hunting season either. And as he was walking along...

BLAM! BLAM!

The hunter got him too. Assassinated him on the trail. Deaded him. Knocked him off. Killed him dead in his tracks.

Well....

That's the gnus. The weather in a moment.
 

THIS SHOULD END ALL 3 BEARS STORIES

Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table, he looks into his small bowl. It is empty. "Who's been eating my porridge?!!", he squeaks.

Papa Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl, and it is also empty. "Who's been eating my Porridge?!!," he roars.

Momma Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells...
"For God's sake, how many times do we have to go through this?

It was Momma Bear who got up first, It was Momma Bear who woke everyone in the house, It was Momma Bear who made the coffee, It was Momma Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night, and put everything away, It was Momma Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper, It was Momma Bear who set the table, It was Momma Bear who put the cat out, cleaned the litter box, and filled the cat's water and food dish, and, now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-butts downstairs, and grace Momma Bear's kitchen with your grumpy presence, listen good, cause I'm only going to say this one more time . . .

"I HAVEN'T MADE THE DAMN PORRIDGE YET !!"
 

An elephant is drinking out of a river when he spots a turtle asleep on a log. The elephant ambles over and kicks the unsuspecting turtle clear across the river.

"Why did you do that?" asks a passing giraffe.

"Because I recognized it as the same turtle that took a nip out of my trunk 47 years ago."

"WOW!!,What a memory!!!!!!!" says the giraffe.

"Yes," says the elephant-------"Turtle Recall"

 

A male crab met a female crab and asked her to marry him.

She noticed that he was walking straight instead of sideways.
"Wow", she thought, "This crab is really special. I can't let
him get away".

So they got married immediately.

The next day she noticed her new husband walking sideways like all the other crabs and got upset.

"What happened?" she asked. "You used to walk straight before we were married,"

"Oh, honey," he replied. "I can't drink that much every day."

If people break wind, do fish break water?

 

In my next life....

If you're a bear, you get to hibernate. You do nothing but sleep for six months. I could deal with that.

Before you hibernate, you're supposed to eat yourself stupid. I could deal with that, too.

If you're a bear, you birth your children (who are the size of walnuts) while you're sleeping and wake to partially grown, cute cuddly cubs. I could definitely deal with that.

If you're a mama bear, everyone knows you mean business. You swat anyone who bothers your cubs.
If your cubs get out of line, you swat them too. I could deal with that.

If you're a bear, your mate EXPECTS you to wake up growling. He EXPECTS that you will have hairy legs and excess body fat.

Yup..... Gonna be a bear .
 

We call our dog "Egypt", because in every room, he leaves a pyramid.
 

A rat looked through a crack in the wall to see the farmer and his wife opening a package. What food might it contain? He was aghast to discover that it was a rat trap.

Retreating to the barnyard the rat proclaimed the warning; "There's a rat trap in the house, a rat trap in the house!"

The chicken clucked and scratched, raised her head and said, "Excuse me, Mr. Rat, I can tell this is a grave concern to you, but it is of no consequence to me. I cannot be bothered by it."

The rat turned to the pig and told him, "There's a rat trap in the house, a rat trap in the house!" "I am so very sorry Mr. Rat," sympathized the pig, "but there is nothing I can do about it but pray. Be assured that you are in my prayers."

The rat turned to the cow.She said, "Like wow, Mr. Rat. a rat trap. I am in grave danger. Duh?"

So the rat returned to the house, head down and dejected, to face the farmer's rat trap alone.

That very night a sound was heard throughout the house, like the sound of a rat trap catching its prey.

The farmer's wife rushed to see what was caught.In the darkness, she did not see that it was a venomous snake whose tail the trap had caught. The snake bit the farmer's wife.

The farmer rushed her to the hospital. She returned home with a fever. Now everyone knows you treat a fever with fresh chicken soup, so the farmer took his hatchet to the barnyard for the soup's main ingredient.

His wife's sickness continued so that friends and neighbors came to sit with her around the clock. To feed them the farmer butchered the pig.

The farmer's wife did not get well. She died, and so many people came for her funeral that the farmer had the cow slaughtered to provide meat for all of them to eat.

So the next time you hear that someone is facing a problem and think that it does not concern you, remember that when there is a rat trap in the house, the whole barnyard's at risk.
 

The Mating Dogs!

A little girl was out with her Grandmother when they came across a couple of dogs mating on the sidewalk.

"What are they doing, Grandma?" asked the little girl.

The grandmother was embarrassed, so she said, "The dog on top has hurt his paw, and the one underneath is carrying him to the doctor."

"They're just like people, aren't they Grandma?"

"How do you mean?" asked the Grandma.

"Offer someone a helping hand," said the little girl, "and they screw you every time!"

 

A chicken and an egg are laying in bed.

The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face.

The egg, looking a bit pissed off, grabs the sheet and rolls over and says....

"Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question".

A Russian scientist and a Czechoslovakian scientist had spent their
whole lives studying the majestic grizzly bear.

Each year they petitioned their respective governments to allow them to go to Yellowstone to study these wondrous beasts.

Finally, their request was granted and they immediately flew to NY
and then on west to Yellowstone.

They reported to the local ranger station and were told that it was the grizzly mating season and it was much too dangerous to go out and study the animals.

They pleaded that this was their only chance.Finally the ranger relented.The Russian and the Czech were given cell phones and told
to report in each and every day.

For several days they called in,and then nothing was heard from the
two scientists.The rangers mounted a search party and found the
scientists'camp completely ravaged.No sign of the missing men.

They then followed the trail of a male and a female bear.They found
the female and decided they must kill the animal to find out if she
had eaten the scientists because they feared an international incident.

They killed the female and cut open the bear's stomach..only to find the remains of the Russian.

One ranger turned to the other and said,"You know what this means,
don't you?"

"Of course,"the other ranger nodded."The Czech is in the male."

CAT PHRASE - MEANING

Miaow - Feed me.

meeow - Pet me.

mrooww - I love you.

miioo-oo-oo - I am in love and must meet my betrothed outside beneath the hedge. Don't wait up.

mrow - I feel like making noise.

rrrow-mawww - Please, the time is come to tidy the cat box.

rrrow-miawww - I have remedied the cat box untidiness by shoveling the contents as far out of the box as was practical.

miaowmiaow - Play with me.

miaowmioaw - Have you noticed the shortage of available cat toys in this room?

mowww! - I was enjoying snuggling and shedding in the warm clean laundry until you removed me so unkindly.

miaow! miaow! - I have discovered that, although one may be able to wedge his body through the gap behind the stove and into that little drawer filled with pots and pans, the reverse path is slightly more difficult to navigate.
 

Barry went to a "block party" in his neighborhood,and noticed that the host's dog was watching a movie on television.

The dog seemed to be absorbed in the plot, wimpering and crying at the sad parts,barking at the action parts and getting excited,and looked away when things got boring.

Barry commented to the host of the party,"I noticed your dog watching that movie on TV... he's really getting into the plot! Don't you think that's unusual?!"

The host looked over at the television,then at his dog and replied,"Absolutely!That IS unusual!He really HATED the book...!"

Two women, who are dog owners, are arguing which dog is smarter:

First woman: My dog is so smart. Every morning he waits for a paper boy to come around and then he takes a newspaper and brings it to me.

Second woman: I know

First one: How?

Second one: My dog told me

A frog crosses the road in front of a car and the man, who is driving, is unable to stop in time. He gets out to check on the frog and carries him to the side of the road. The frog is grateful, thanks the man and tells him that he will grant him one wish.

The man says, "Please make my dog win the next dog race."

The frog asks to look at the dog, which limps out of the car. The frog notices that the dog has three legs and is very fat, so he tells the man that he thinks it is almost impossible to grant his wish and asks that the man make another wish.

The man says, "Well, then please make my wife win the next beauty contest in the area."

The frog asks to look at his wife. So the wife gets out of the car and approaches the frog.

The frog turns to the man and says,"Could I please have another look at the dog?".
 

DOGS WRITE LETTERS, TOO

Dear God,

How come people love to smell flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell one another? Where are their priorities?

Dear God, When we get to Heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it the same old story?

Dear God, If we come back as humans, is that good or bad?

Dear God, When we get to the Pearly Gates, do we have to shake hands to get in?

Dear God, Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize?

Dear God, Is it true that dogs are not allowed in restaurants because we can't make up our minds what NOT to order? Or is it the carpet again?

Dear God,More meatballs, less spaghetti, please.
 

A client brought a litter of golden retriever puppies to my
veterinary clinic for inoculations and worming.

As the look-alike pups squirmed over and under one another in their box, I realized it would be difficult to tell the treated ones from the rest. I turned on the water faucet, wet my fingers, and moistened each dog's head when I had finished.

After the fourth puppy, I noticed my hitherto talkative client had grown silent. As I sprinkled the last pup's head, the woman leaned forward and whispered, "I didn't know they had to be baptized.

A woman goes into a store and buys a beautiful green and blue parrot. But the only words the parrot knows how to say are: "Who is it?"

She takes the parrot home, but soon realizes that the bird's color clashes with the living room. So she calls an Interior designer, who says he will come by shortly.

When the Decorator comes, the woman is out shopping. He knocks on the door, and the parrot says "who is it?"

The man says, "It's the decorator."

The parrot says "who is it?"

The man says "It's the decorator."

The parrot says "Who is it?"

The man says "It's the decorator!!!"

The parrot says "who is it?"

The man screams "The decorator!"

The decorator gets so mad, that he pops a blood vessel, and dies on the spot.

The lady comes home and finds a dead man lying on her front porch.She says, "Oh my gosh...who is it?"

The parrot replies, "It's the decorator!"

 

There was a famous jockey that never lost a race.

When asked how he achieved this, he replied, I whisper in the
horse's ear: Roses are red, violets are blue. Horses thatlose are made into glue.

One day, this rabbit managed to break free from the laboratory where he had been born and brought up. As he scurried away from the fencing of the compound, he felt grass under his little feet and saw the dawn breaking for the first time in his life.

"Wow, this is great," he thought. It wasn't long before he came to
a hedge, and after squeezing under it he saw a wonderful sight - lots of other bunny rabbits, all free and nibbling at the lush grass.

"Hey," he called. "I'm a rabbit from the laboratory and I've just
escaped. Are you wild rabbits?"

"Yes. Come and join us," they cried. Our friend hopped over to them and started eating the grass. It tasted so good.

"What else do you wild rabbits do?" he asked.

"Well," one of them said. "You see that field there? It's got carrots growing in it. We dig them up and eat them."

This, he couldn't resist and he spent the next hour eating the most succulent carrots. They were wonderful. Later, he asked them again, "What else do you do?"

"You see that field there? It's got lettuce growing in it. We eat that as well." The lettuce tasted just as good and he returned a while later completely full.

"It's fantastic out here in the world!" he told them.

"So, are you going to live with us then?" one of them asked.

"I'm sorry," he replied sadly, "I had a great time but I can't."

The wild rabbits all stared at him, a bit surprised. "Why? We thought you liked it here."

"I do," our friend replied. "But I must get back to the lab. I'm
dying for a cigarette."

A city man was tooling down a country road when his car sputtered
to a complete stop near a field filled with cows. The driver,
getting out to see what was the matter, noticed one of the cows
looking at him.

"I believe it's your radiator," said the cow.

The man nearly jumped right out of his city slicker britches! He
ran to the nearest farmhouse and knocked on the door.

"A cow just gave me advice about my car!" he shouted, waving his
arms franticly back toward the field.

The farmer nonchalantly leaned out beyond the door frame to
glance down the field. "The cow with two big black spots on it?"
the farmer asked slowly.

"Yes! Yes! That's the one!" the excited man replied.

"Oh. Well, that's Ethel," the farmer said, turning back to the
man. "Don't pay any attention to her. She doesn't know a darn
thing about cars."

 

Cat Haiku

You never feed me.
Perhaps I'll sleep on your face.
That will sure show you.

You must scratch me there!
Yes, above my tail!
Behold, elevator butt.

The rule for today:
Touch my tail, I shred your hand.
New rule tomorrow.

I need a new toy.
Tail of black dog keeps good time.
Pounce! Good dog! Good dog!

In deep sleep hear sound.
Cat vomit hairball somewhere.
Will find in morning.

Grace personified.
I leap into the window.
I meant to do that.

Blur of motion, then
silence. Me, a paper bag.
What is so funny?

The mighty hunter
returns with gifts of plump birds ---
your foot just squashed one.

You're always typing.
Well, let's see you ignore my
sitting on your hands.

My small cardboard box.
You cannot see me if I
can just hide my head.

Terrible battle.
I fought for hours. Come and see!
What's a 'term paper'?

Kitty likes plastic.
Confuses for litter box.
Don't leave tarp around...

Small brave carnivores
Kill pine cones and mosquitoes,
Fear vacuum cleaner.

I want to be close
to you. Can I fit my head
inside your armpit?

Wanna go outside.
Oh, damn! Help! I got outside!
Let me back inside!

Oh no! Big One
has been trapped by newspaper!
Cat to the rescue!

Humans are so strange.
Mine lies still in bed, then screams.
My claws are not that sharp.

Cats meow out of angst.
Thumbs! If only we had thumbs!
We could break so much!

The Big Ones snore now.
Every room is dark and cold.
Time for "Cup Hockey".

Litter box not here.
You must have moved it again.
I'll poop in the sink.

We're almost equals.
I purr to show I love you.
Want to smell my butt?

MIND GAMES DOGS PLAY WITH HUMANS

1. After your humans give you a bath, DON'T LET THEM TOWEL DRY YOU! Instead, run to their bed, jump up and dry yourself off on the sheets. This is especially good if it's right before your humans bedtime.

2. Act like a convicted criminal. When the humans come home, put your ears back, tail between your legs, chin down and act as if you have done something really bad. Then, watch as the humans frantically search the house for the damage they think you have caused. (Note: This only works when you have done absolutely nothing wrong.)

3. Let the humans teach you a brand new trick. Learn it perfectly. Then the humans try to demonstrate it to someone else, stare blankly back at the humans. Pretend you have no idea what they're talking about.

4. Make your humans be patient. When you go outside to go 'pee,' sniff around the entire yard as your humans wait. Act as if the spot you choose to go pee will ultimately decide the fate of the earth.

5. Draw attention to the human. When out for a walk always pick the busiest, most visible spot to go 'poo.' Take your time and make sure everyone watches. This works particularly well if your humans have forgotten to bring a plastic bag.

6. When out for a walk, alternate between choking and coughing every time a strange human walks by.

7. Make your own rules. Don't always bring back the stick when playing fetch with the humans. Make them go and chase it once in a while.

8. Hide from your humans. When your humans come home, don't greet them at the door. Instead, hide from them, and make them think something terrible has happened to you. (Don't reappear until one of your humans is panic-stricken and close to tears).

9. When your human calls you to come back in, always take your time. Walk as slowly as possible back to the door.

10. Wake up twenty minutes before the alarm clock is set to go off and make the humans take you out for your morning pee. As soon as you get back inside, fall asleep. (Humans can rarely fall back asleep after going outside, this will drive them nuts!)

 

A man walked into a cowboy bar and ordered a beer just as President Clinton appeared on the television. After a few sips, he looked up at the television and mumbled, "Now, there's the biggest horse's ass I've ever seen." A customer at the end of the bar quickly stood up, walked over to him, and decked him.

A few minutes later, as the man was finishing his beer, Hillary Clinton appeared on the television. "She's a horse's ass too," the man. This time, a customer at the other end of the bar quickly stood up, walked over to him, and knocked him off his stool. "Damn it!" the man said, climbing back up to the bar. "This must be Clinton country!"

"Nope," the bartender replied. "Horse country!"
 

Dog Haiku

I love my master;
Thus I perfume myself with
This long-rotten squirrel.

I lie belly-up
In the sunshine, happier than
You ever will be.

Today I sniffed
Many dog behinds-I celebrate
By kissing your face.

I sound the alarm!
Paper boy-come to kill us all-
Look! Look! Look! Look! Look!

I sound the alarm!
Garbage man-come to kill us all-
Look! Look! Look! Look! Look!

I lift my leg and
Whiz on each bush. Hello, Spot,
Sniff this and weep.

How do I love thee?
The ways are numberless as
My hairs on the rug.

My human is home!
I am so ecstatic I have
Made a puddle.

I hate my choke chain-
Look, world, they strangle me! Ack
Ack Ack Ack Ack Ack!

Sleeping here, my chin
On your foot -no greater bliss-well,
Maybe catching rats.

Look in my eyes and
Deny it. No human could
Love you as much I do.

The cat is not all
Bad --- she fills the litter box
With Tootsie Rolls.

Dig under fence --- why?
Because it's there. Because it's
There. Because it's there.

I am your best friend,
Now, always, and especially
When you are eating.

My owners' mood is
Romantic-I lie near their
Feet. I fart a big one.

 

Cat Definitions

Aquarium: interactive television for cats.

Cat: 1. a lapwarmer with a built-in buzzer.

2. a four footed allergen.

3. a small, four-legged, fur-bearing extortionist.

4. a small, furry lap fungus.

5. a treat-seeking missile.

6. a wildlife control expert.

7. one who sleeps in old, empty pizza boxes.

8. a hair relocation expert.

9. an unprogrammable animal.

Cataclysm: any great upheaval in a cat's life.

Catatonic: a feline medicinal drink.

Caterpillar: a soft scratching post for a cat.

Cat Scan: to look for a new cat.

Dog: a cat's device for running practice.

Door: something a cat always wants to be on the other side of.

Energy: the element of vitality cats always have an oversupply of until you try to play with them.

Human: an automatic door opener for cats.

Impurrsonate: to act like the cat.

Kitten: a small homicidal muffin on legs; affects human sensibilities to the point of endowing the most wanton and ruthless acts of destruction with near-mythical overtones of cuteness. Not recommended for beginners. Get at least two.

Purrade: an organized march of cats.

Purradise: the garden of Cats.

Purramour: a cat lover.

Purranoia: the fear that your cat is up to something.

Purraphernalia: a cat's personal belongings.

Purrch: any favored feline napping spot.

Purrchase: anything bought for a cat.

Purrfume: the scent of an open can of tuna.

Purrgatory: a houseful of kittens.

Purrmission: a feline hunting expedition.

Purrpetual: everlasting feline love.

Purrplex: a house with two or more cats.

Purrson: a male kitten.

Purrsuit: the garment your shedding cat rubs against just as you are leaving home to go to an important meeting.

Purrverse: a poem about a wicked kitty.

Tooraloorailurophobia: an irrational fear of Irish cats.

Tuner: sonar-like device in cat food that causes cats to appear.

Yawn: a cat's honest opinion openly expressed.
 

What kind of bird gets caught in your chimney?

Well, by the time you get it out... it's a blackbird.

There was an old man, a boy, and a donkey. They were going to town and it was decided that the boy should ride. As they went along they passed some people who thought that it was a shame for the boy to ride and the old man to walk. The old man and boy decided that maybe the critics were right, so they changed positions.

Later, they passed some more people who thought that it was a real shame for that man to make such a small boy walk. The two decided that maybe they both should walk.

Soon they passed some more people who thought that it was stupid to walk when they had a donkey to ride. The man and the boy decided maybe the critics were right so, they decided that they both should ride. They soon passed other people who thought that it was a shame to put such a load on a poor little animal. The old man and the boy decided that maybe the critics were right, so they decided to carry the donkey.

As they crossed a bridge they lost their grip on the animal and he fell into the river and drowned.

The moral of the story: If you try to please everyone, you will eventually lose your ass.
 

A group of bats is hanging around, upside down, as usual, mostly
sleeping. Suddenly one notices that Charlie is on the floor,
standing upright and looking around.

"Hey, Charlie," he calls out. "What are you doing down there?"

Charlie looks up and says, "Yoga!"

 

The other day when passing by road kill I was reminded of an
incident when I was about 12.

I was in the front seat of the car, next to my mom. We were
driving slowly through the neighborhood when I spotted what you
could call a "mentally ill" raccoon. Mr. Carroll, a family friend
who lived on the street was just passing by and stopped to question
why she had stopped on the road. She told him about the raccoon
and suggested he call animal control. The entire time she referred
to the raccoon as "he."

When we got home I asked why she assumed it was a guy. Her answer
was short and sweet: "Because there's something wrong with it."

 

Man's Best Friend

Here are some famous quotations over the years about our beloved dogs!

"If your dog is fat,
you aren't getting enough exercise"
--Unknown

"Some days you're the dog;
some days you're the hydrant."
-- Unknown

"Whoever said you can't buy happiness
forgot about puppies."
-- Gene Hill

"In dog years, I'm dead."
-- Unknown

"To his dog, every man is Napoleon;
hence the constant popularity of dogs."
-- Aldous Huxley

"A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance,
and to turn around three times before lying down."
-- Robert Benchley

"Did you ever walk into a room and
forget why you walked in?
I think that's how dogs spend their lives."
-- Sue Murphy

"I loathe people who keep dogs.
They are cowards who haven't got the guts
to bite people themselves."
-- August Strindberg

"No animal should ever jump up on
the dining room furniture unless absolutely certain
that he can hold his own in the conversation."
-- Fran Lebowitz

"Ever consider what they must think of us?
I mean, here we come back from a grocery store
with the most amazing haul -- chicken, pork, half a cow.
They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth!"
-- Anne Tyler

"I wonder if other dogs think poodles
are members of a weird religious cult."
-- Rita Rudner

"My dog is worried about the economy
because Alpo is up to 99 cents a can.
That's almost $7.00 in dog money."
-- Joe Weinstein

"If I have any beliefs about immortality,
it is that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven,
and very, very few persons."
-- James Thurber

"You enter into a certain amount of madness
when you marry a person with pets."
-- Nora Ephron

"Don't accept your dog's admiration
as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful."
-- Ann Landers

"Women and cats will do as they please,
and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea."
-- Robert A. Heinlein

"In order to keep a true perspective of one's importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him
and a cat that will ignore him."
-- Dereke Bruce, Taipei, Taiwan

"Of all the things I miss from veterinary practice,
puppy breath is one of the most fond memories!"
-- Dr. Tom Cat

"There is no psychiatrist in the world
like a puppy licking your face."
-- Ben Williams

"When a man's best friend is his dog,
that dog has a problem."
-- Edward Abbey

"Cat's motto: No matter what you've done wrong,
always try to make it look like the dog did it."
-- Unknown

"Money will buy you a pretty good dog,
but it won't buy the wag of his tail."
-- Unknown

"No one appreciates the very special genius
of your conversation as the dog does."
-- Christopher Morley

"A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you
more than he loves himself."
-- Josh Billings

"Man is a dog's idea of what God should be."
-- Holbrook Jackson

"The average dog is a nicer person
than the average person."
-- Andrew A. Rooney

"He is your friend, your partner, your defender, your dog.
You are his life, his love, his leader.
He will be yours, faithful and true,
to the last beat of his heart.
You owe it to him to be worthy of such devotion."
-- Unknown

"If you pick up a starving dog and
make him prosperous, he will not bite you;
that is the principal difference
between a dog and a man."
-- Mark Twain

"Things that upset a terrier may pass virtually
unnoticed by a Great Dane."
-- Smiley Blanton

"I've seen a look in dogs' eyes,
a quickly vanishing look of amazed contempt,
and I am convinced that basically
dogs think humans are nuts."
-- John Steinbeck


 

Rated R

A Tairy Fale, by Decky Bay uh... I mean A Fairy Tale, by Becky Day

"The Pee Thrittle Ligs" [dadgum it!]

"The THREE LITTLE PIGS"

"I told you to draw a picture of a cow eating grass,"said the art teacher."Why have you handed in a blank sheet of paper?"

"Because the cow ate all the grass - that's why there's no grass."

"But what about the cow?" "

"There wasn't much point in it hanging around when there was nothing to eat, so it went back to the barn."

Two lobsters were sunbathing on the beach. The lady lobster suggested that the gentleman lobster to get them an ice cream each.Having purchased two ice cream cones Mr. Lobster made his way back to the beach, deciding on the way to eat his ice cream.

By the time he has finished the ice cream he realized that his lady friend's ice cream had started to melt all down his claw,so he licked it up and ended up eating it.

When he arrived back at the beach his lady lobster friend exclaimed, "Where are the ice creams?"

"Well" he said. "I decided to eat mine. Then yours melted, soI ate that too."

His lady friend was incensed and cried,"You shellfish bastard!"
 

ALWAYS THOUGHT GREEN SNAKES WERE OK?

READ ON...................................................................

Green garden grass snakes can be dangerous, Yes, grass snakes, notrattlesnakes.

A couple in Sweetwater, Texas had a lot of potted plants, and during a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze. It turned out that a little green gardengrass snake was hidden in one of the plants and when it had warmed up, itslithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa. She let out a very loud scream.

The husband who was taking a shower ran out into the living room naked to see what the problem was. She told him there was a snake under the sofa.

He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it.

About that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him on the leg. He thought the snake had bitten him and he fainted. His wife thought he had a heart attack, so she called an ambulance. The attendants rushed in and loaded him on the stretcher and started carrying him out.

About that time the snake came out from under the sofa and the Emergency Medical Technician saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher.That's when the man broke his leg and why he is in the hospital.

The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a neighbor man. He volunteered to capture the snake. He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch.

Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief. But in relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions,where she felt the snake wriggling around. She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa, and the neighbor man, seeing her laying there passed out tried to use CPR to revive her.

The neighbor's wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery store, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and slammed her husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches. An ambulance was again called and it was determined that the injury required hospitalization.

The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed he had been bitten by the snake. She went to the kitchen, brought back a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man's throat.

By now the police had arrived. They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred. They were about to arrest them all, when the two women tried to explain how it all happened over a little green snake. They called an ambulance, which took away the neighbor and his sobbing wife.

Just then the little snake crawled out from under the couch. One of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it. He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table that was on one side of the sofa. The table fell over and the lamp on it shattered and as the bulb broke, it started a fire in the drapes.

The other policeman tried to beat out the flames and fell through the window into the yard on top of the family dog, who startled, jumped up and raced out into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car and set it on fire. Meanwhile the burning drapes had spread to the walls and the entire house was blazing.

Neighbors had called the fire department and the arriving fire-truck had started raising his ladder as they were halfway down the street. The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires and put out the electricity and disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city block area.

Time passed. Both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was re-built, the police acquired a new car, and all was right with their world.

About a year later they were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night. The husband asked his wife if she thought they should bring in their plants for the night.

She shot him.
 

A man standing at a bus stop was eating a hamburger. Next to him
stood a lady with her little dog, which became very excited at the
smell of the man's supper and began whining and jumping up at
him.

"Do you mind if I throw him a bit?" said the man to the lady.

Not at all," she replied, whereupon the man picked the dog up and threw it over a wall.

A man was driving down a quiet country lane when out into the road strayed a rooster. Whack! The rooster disappeared under the car in a cloud of feathers. Shaken, the man pulled over at the nearest farmhouse and rang the door bell. A farmer appeared.

The man, somewhat nervously, said, "I think I killed your rooster, please allow me to replace him."

"Suit yourself," the farmer replied, "the hens are 'round back."
 

Two guys were out walking their dogs, when one dog wanders off to pee against the wall. Like dogs do, it raised its leg and started to do his thing.

The second dog then goes up and starts to go exactly where the other dog did. But instead of raising his leg, he stood up on his hind legs,put both paws on the wall and relieved himself.

One guy says to the other,"Wow, how did you teach him to pee like that?"

The second man replies,"I didn't teach him. He's done it ever since the wall fell on him..."
 

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Cat Prayer

Rated G The Cats' Bill Of Rights

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Ten Reasons Why Dogs Are Better Than Kids

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Animal Thoughts

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How to forecast the weather:

Rated G Ed in Boston

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The amazing flying dog

Rated G .....................Sue Bee

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BE WARNED, CAT OWNERS

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Commandments of the Bird

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How Many Dogs?

QUESTION: How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb?

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Cat Mornings

Rated G ................Lorraine

Signs your dog is more intelligent than you:

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APPLICATION FOR CAT OWNERSHIP:

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Top Ten Vacation Tips For Dogs

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More Cat Haiku

Rated G ........... Linda

Rated PG

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Rated G Sue Bee

Rated G Baby Blues

Why Dogs Are the Greatest

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Rated G Lorraine

QUESTION:

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What Do They Think of Us?

Rated PG Ed in Boston

Rated G Lorraine

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Rainbow Bridge

Just this side of heaven is a place called Rainbow Bridge.

Rated G

The ABC's to Having a Good Life!

by the Cat