This is topic Puns & Riddles in forum Bob Maar's Joke-A-Thon at Film-Tech Forum ARCHIVE.
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Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-28-2001, 08:04 AM:
Rated G 
Pun Intended
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1) Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. However, all the league records were unfortunately destroyed in a fire. Thus we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.
2) A man rushed into the doctor's office and shouted, "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!!" The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient."
3) A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls. One day his supply of the birds ran out, so he had to go out and trap some more. On the way back, he spied two
lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them. Immediately, he was arrested and charged with transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises. 
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-30-2001, 07:45 AM:
Rated G A man walks into a bar with a piece of asphalt under his arm and asks the barman, "Can I have a drink for me and one for the road?"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-30-2001, 08:07 AM:
Rated PG 
A farmer who hired a man to help him with work around the farm.
The first day the farmer told the man to mow the lawn.
While hewas mowing the lawn he saw a cat in the middle of the lawn. He kicked the cat but it wouldn't move. He kicked it three more times and it still wouldn't move. So he ran over the cat with the lawn mower.
The farmer was not happy when he heard what happened.The next day the man told him to nail up his fence. While he was nailing it he found a rooster sitting on it. He pushed the rooster four times but it wouldn't move. So he nailed it to the fence.
When the farmer got the story, he was very mad and warned the hired man that he has just can not screw up again.
The next day the man told him to paint his fence red. He found a donky laying by the fence, covering the botom part of it. He kicked the donkey four times but he wouldn't move. So he painted over it.
By this time the farmer was furious. He took the man to court.When the judge asked what happened, the farmer complained, "This man is crazy! He ran over my wife's pussy with his mower. He nailed my cock to the fence. And he painted my ass red!"
Posted by Gordon Hedges III (Member # 863) on 06-30-2001, 11:43 PM:
Rated G 
1. Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger."
2. Did you hear that NASA recently put a bunch of Holsteins into low earth orbit? They called it the herd shot 'round the world.
3. Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.
4. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.
5. A three legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
6. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.
7. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off." Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
8. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she> also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."
9. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that: Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.
10. And finally, there was a man who sent ten different puns to friends, in the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 07-12-2001, 07:04 AM:
Rated G Why English is a Pain to Learn
- The bandage was wound around the wound.
- The farm was used to produce produce.
- The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
- He could lead if he would get the lead out.
- The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
- Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was
time to present the present.
- A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
- When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
- If you broke it, lost it, need it cheap or just can't find it
anywhere else, find it at eBay!
- A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
- The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
- There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
- They were too close to the door to close it.
- The buck does funny things when the does are present.
- To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
- The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
- After a number of injections my jaw got number.
- Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
- I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
- How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend? 
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 07-13-2001, 11:02 AM:
Rated G and PG 
Bumper Stickers: (Available at Film-Tech On Line Call 
)
Jack Kevorkian for White House physician.
Driver carries no cash: He's married!
I need patience. NOW!
If you don't like the way I'm driving, YOU come get these
handcuffs off!
I brake for hallucinations.
Attention: Driver carries less than $20 in ammunition.
Two wrongs don't make a right but three rights make a left.
Witches' Parking - All others Toad.
Missing dog and wife. Reward for dog.
Back off, I'm a postal worker.
Mind Like A Steel Trap - Rusty And Illegal In 37 States.
I brake for No Apparent Reason.
Hang up and drive!
I may not believe what your bumper sticker says, but I will
defend to the end your right to stick it!
Jesus is coming - Look Busy!
I want to die in my sleep like grandpa, not terrified and
screaming like his passengers.
My other vehicle is a broom stick.
This is a sign written on a back of a truck: Overtakers beware,
you might meet the Undertaker
My Other car is a beater (On the back of a beater).
Prevent inbreeding - ban country music.
My kid was Prisoner of the Month at Orange County Jail.
Even though this is a stupid bumper sticker, you're squinting to
read it.
'Smile, I could be behind you!' - on Police Motorcycle license
frame- Visalia, CA
Jesus, protect me from your followers!
Honk if you love Hanson. Then run into a tree.
Posted by Randy Stankey (Member # 64) on 07-13-2001, 06:32 PM:
Alexander Graham Bell had hang-ups!
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 07-13-2001, 10:14 PM:
Rated G Rejected Dr. Seuss Books
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
1. The Cat in the Blender
2. Herbert the Pervert Likes Sherbert
3. Fox in Detox
4. Who Shat in the Hat?
5. Horton Hires a Ho
6. The Flesh-Eating Lorax
7. How the Grinch Stole Columbus Day
8. Your Colon Can Moo---Can You?
9. Zippy the Rabid Gerbil
10. One Bitch, Two Bitch, Dead Bitch, Blue Bitch
11. Marvin K. Mooney, Get the Fuck Out!
12. Are You My Proctologist?
13. Yentl the Lentil
14. My Pocket Rocket Needs A Socket
15. Aunts in My Pants
16. Oh, the Places You'll Scratch and Sniff!
17. Horton Fakes an Orgasm
18. The Grinch's Ten Inches
Posted by Randy Stankey (Member # 64) on 07-14-2001, 01:52 AM:
If you are not part of the solution, you are part of the precipitate.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 07-16-2001, 07:59 AM:
Rated G a confusing story
One bright day in
the middle of the night
two dead soldiers
got up to fight
stood back to back
and faced each other
got out thier swords
and shot each one another
two deaf policemen
heard all the noise
got right up
and shot them boys
and if you don't belive
my tale so tall
ask the blind man
he saw it all! 
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 07-26-2001, 03:47 PM:
Rated G A scientist cloned himself but the experiment created a duplicate who used very foul language.
As the clone cursed and swore, the scientist finally pushed it out the window, and it fell to its death.
Later the scientist was arrested for making an obscene clone fall.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 07-30-2001, 07:14 AM:
Rated G 
A scientist cloned himself but the experiment created a duplicate who
used very foul language.As the clone cursed and swore, the scientist finally pushed it out the window, and it fell to its death.
Later the scientist was arrested for making an obscene clone fall.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 07-30-2001, 03:08 PM:
Rated G The Lone Ranger and Tonto ride all night to reach town.
As they cross the vast wide open plain, Tonto complains.. "It's bloody cold tonight Kemo-Sabby"..
The Lone Ranger, helpful as ever (and not wanting to buy Tonto a pint) suggests: "When we reach the bar, why don't you jog on the spot for ten minutes, that'll warm you up.."
On reaching the town, the Lone Ranger pop's in the pub for a pint or two of Red-Eye, leaving Tonto jogging outside..
A short while later the sheriff pops his head round the door and shouts over the cliche'd piano music "Who's is the big brown horse outside?"
The Masked man answers.." It's mine officer, is there a problem ?"
"Not really", replies the sheriff, "It's just that you've left your Injun running.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 08-20-2001, 03:14 PM:
Rated PG 
Tongue Twister.................
If a bra is an upper topper titty flopper stopper, and a jock strap is a lower decker pecker checker, and a roll of toilet tissue is a super duper doody pooper scooper, then........... What do you call a Japanese drummer boy whose father has diarrhea?
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A slap happy Jappy with a crap happy pappy.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 08-28-2001, 11:20 AM:
Rated G Riddle There is a man standing over a dead body in a coffin, and another man walks in and asks, who's in the coffin. The first man replies, brothers and sisters, I have none, but this man's father is my fathers son. Who's in the coffin?
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His son
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 08-28-2001, 11:23 AM:
Rated G Riddle 
Four men sat down to play,
They played all night 'till break of day,
They played for gold and not for fun
With separate scores for everyone.
When they came to square accounts,
They all had made quite fair amounts.
Can you the pardox explain,
If no one lost, how could all gain?
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They were not playing against each other.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 08-28-2001, 01:08 PM:
Rated G Three Riddles
Answers at bottom:1.) While on my way to St. Ives
I saw a man with 7 wives
Each wife had 7 sacks
Each sack had 7 cats
Each cat had 7 kittens
Kitten, cats, sacks, wives
How many were going to St. Ives?
.
2.)The maker doesn't want it.
The buyer doesn't use it.
And the user doesn't see it.
What is it?
3.)Mary left on a horse on Sunday,
was gone for four days,
and came back on Sunday.
How did that happen?
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1. Just one, me. 2. A coffin. 3. The horse's name was Sunday!
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 08-29-2001, 08:01 AM:
Rated G The Lone Ranger and Tonto ride all night to reach town..
As they cross the vast wide open plain, Tonto complains.. "It's bloody cold tonight Kemo-Sabby"..
The Lone Ranger, helpful as ever (and not wanting to buy Tonto a pint) suggests: "When we reach the bar, why don't you jog on the spot for ten minutes, that'll warm you up.."
On reaching the town, the Lone Ranger pop's in the pub for a pint or two of Red-Eye, leaving Tonto jogging outside..
A short while later the sheriff pops his head round the door and shouts over the cliche'd piano music "Who's is the big white horse outside?"
The Masked man answers.." It's mine officer, is there a problem ?"
"Not really", replies the sheriff, "It's just that you've left your Injun running.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 09-05-2001, 08:11 PM:
Rated G State Stumper Answers below line
The names of 15 states are hidden in the sentences below.
1. Is that terrible bore gone yet?
2. "Mama, I need a new bicycle said the little boy".
3. We saw the color ad on the front page of the newspaper..
4 "Oh, I only like mustard on hot dogs," my uncle said.
5. Put a ham in the shopping cart.
6. I see the lovely miss is sipping soda through a straw.
7. Will Al ask a doctor about the pain in his neck?
8. Where did Mary land her plane after the transatlantic flight?
9. I sure miss our incredible teacher, don't you?
10. The new beach has a Wade law, a Read law, and a sand castle law.
11. I want a large or giant box of chocolates to share with my friend.
12. Before I connect, I cut the wires and tape the ends.
13. Ken, tuck your shirt in please.
14. If Lori dares to speak out in class, she'll be sent to the office again.
15. "I fell ill," I noisily complained to the flight attendant. =============================================================
1. bORE GONE
2. MaMA I NEed
3. COLOR AD On
4. "OH,I Only
5. pUT A Ham
6. MISS IS SIPPIng
7. AL ASK A
8. MARY LAND
9. MISS OUR Incredible
10. WaDE LAW, A REad law
11. larGE OR GIAnt
12. CONNECT,I CUT
13. KEN, TUCK Your
14. iF LORI DAres
15. ILL, I NOISily.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-11-2001, 09:03 AM:
Rated G What's the difference between hard and light?
You can go to sleep with the light on.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-17-2001, 11:46 AM:
Rated R Why do women rub their eyes in the morning?
Because they don't have any balls to scratch.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-17-2001, 08:22 PM:
Rated G Betty Botter's Butter
Betty Botter had some butter."But," she said, "this butter's bitter.If I bake this bitter butter, it would make my batter bitter.But a bit of better butter--that would make my batter better."
So she bought a bit of butter, better than her bitter butter,and she baked it in her batter, and the batter was not bitter. So it was better Betty Botter bought a bit of better butter. Six thick thistle sticks. Six thick thistles stick.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-30-2001, 08:04 AM:
Rated G Three men went to a motel.
The man behind the desk said the room is $30.00, so each man put up $10.00 each and went to the room.
A little while later he realized the room was only $25.00, so he sent the bellhop back to the three guys room with $5.00.
On the way to the room the bellhop couldn't figure how to split the $5.00 between the three guys so he just gave each one of them $1.00.
He kept the other $2.00.
That left the three guys paying $9.00 each for the room.
3 x $ 9.00 = $27.00 + the $2.00 that the bellhop kept = $29.00.
Where's the other dollar?
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-14-2001, 07:04 AM:
Rated G 
Tongue Twisters
Try to say "Unique New York" six times real fast.
Some tongue twister limericks:
A tutor who tooted the fluteTried to tutor two tooters to toot.Said the two to the tutor,"Is it harder to toot or To tutor two tooter to toot?"
A canner exceedingly canny One morning remarked to his granny" A canner can can Anything that he can But a canner can't can a can, can he?"
A flea and a fly in flue Were imprisoned so what could they do? Said the flea, "Let us fly.""Let us flee," said the fly.So they flew through a flaw in the flue
.Now try these (and keep them clean!!): I slit a sheet, a sheet I slit. Upon a slitted sheet I sit.
I am not a fig plucker, I'm a fig plucker's son.I only pluck fig's 'til the fig plucker comes.
When I was in college, our warm up each day was to sing each of the following phrases, progressing up and down the scale.
We began with:#1. Lemon liniment
We then progressed to:#2. Aluminum lemon liniment.
And ended with:#3. Amalgamated aluminum lemon liniment
By the time we were done we could sing anything!!.
Posted by John Lasher (Member # 968) on 11-24-2001, 08:31 PM:
Here are some titles that you probably won't be building up any time soon:Life as a Horse
XXX-Men
Soap Floats
Men in Pink
And here's a terrible tounge twister:
If Moses supposes his toeses are roses then Moses supposes erroniously. For nobody's toeses are posies or roses as Moses supposes his toeses to be.
Posted by John Lasher (Member # 968) on 11-25-2001, 09:44 PM:
On te desert planet Pszfldruf there are Zips and Zaps. It can be hard to tell which is which as they all look alike. The way to tell is that zips always tell the truth, and zaps always lie. One day we run into three of these walking along, the first says "All three of us are zips." the second one then says, "We are all zaps." The third remains silent.Can you figre it out.
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The ones who spoke are both zaps. The one who didn't is a zip.
Here's how it works: The first one says that all three are zips. But we know he's lying because the second one says that all three are zaps, which means the first one was lying. But since the zaps cannot tell the truth this must mean that the one who remained silent must be a zip in order to make the second one's statement false.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-07-2002, 01:55 PM:
Rated G Q: What's red and bad for your teeth?
A: A brick.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-21-2002, 10:17 AM:
Rated G Bus Riddle
OK- You are the bus driver.
The bus driver goes to the first stop and picks up three kids.
Then the bus driver goes to the second stop and picks up five.
The bus driver goes to the third stop and picks up two.
At the fourth, he drops of three,
At the fifth, he picks up one,
At the sixth, he drops off four,
And at the very last stop, the bus driver picks up two.
Scrool down for Question and answer.
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Now, by figuring all the math, what was the color of the bus driver's eyes?
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-21-2002, 10:26 AM:
Rated G Here are some Riddles , try to find the meaning of them
(answers are below)
1. Why can't an American photographer take a picture of an Asian with a hat?
2. How many birthdays does the average man have?
3. What's the next letter in the series?: W T N _?
4. A boy and his father are driving home. They have to cross some train tracks. That day the stop lights for the tracks were broke and they didn't know a train was coming. A train hit them. They were rushed to the hospital where the father died.
The son had to have immediate surgery. The surgeon took one look at the boy and said "I can't operate on him because he's my son!" how can that be?
5. Before you go into the bathroom you're American. When you're in the bathroom, what are you?
Answers below:
*
**
***
****
*****
******
*******
********
*********
**********
*********
********
*******
******
*****
****
***
**
*
**
***
****
*****
******
*******
********
*********
**********
*********
********
*******
******
*****
****
***
**
*
**
***
****
*****
******
*******
********
*********
**********
*********
********
*******
******
*****
****
***
**
*
Answers:
1. You need a camera to take a picture, not a hat!
2. Most people have only one birth day.
3. It's WTNL (What's The Next LETTER)
4. The surgeon was his mother.
5. European (you're a peeing!)
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-21-2002, 10:58 AM:
Rated G Australian Kiss
What is an Austrailian kiss?
A french kiss down under.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-28-2002, 07:03 AM:
Rated G A good pun is its own reword.
Energizer Bunny arrested - charged with battery!
A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative!
My wife really likes to make pottery, but to me it's just kiln time!.
Dijon vu - the same mustard as before!
Practice safe eating - always use condiments!
I fired my masseuse because she rubbed me the wrong way!
Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death!
I used to work in a blanket factory, until it folded!
I used to be a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me
the ax!
A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy!
Corduroy pillows are making headlines!
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play!
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor!
Did you know that without geometry, life is pointless?
When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination!
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion!
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 05-13-2002, 01:22 PM:
Rated G A man says to a friend, "I've got a riddle for you. If there were three crows on a fence post and I shot one, how many would be left?"
Without hesitating, the friend says, "Two left."
"You don't get the point," the man says. "Listen to the riddle. There were three crows on a fence post. Then I shot one. How many would be left?"
"Two left," the friend says again.
"No," the man says in a superior tone of voice. "None would be left, because if I shot one then the other two would fly away."
"Isn't that what I've been saying?" the friend says. "Two left."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 05-23-2002, 11:10 AM:
Rated G Arbitrator \ar'-bi-tray'-ter\ : A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonald's
Avoidable \uh-voy'-duh-buhl' \ : What a bullfighter tries to do
Baloney \buh-lo'-nee' \ : Where some hemlines fall
Bernadette \burn'-a-det' \ : The act of torching a mortgage
Burglarize \bur'-gler-ize' \ : What a crook sees with
Control \kon'-trol\ : A short, ugly inmate
Counterfeiters \kown'-ter-fit'-ers\ : Workers who put together kitchen cabinets
Eclipse \ee-klips' \ : What a Cockney barber does for a living
Eyedropper \i'-drop-ur\ : A clumsy ophthalmologist
Heroes \hee-rhos' \ : What a guy in a boat does
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 05-23-2002, 11:12 AM:
Rat6ed G Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank.
--proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.
------------------
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 07-03-2002, 09:48 AM:
Rated G When did people start punning?
If you tossed a grenade into a French kitchen, would you get Linoleum Blownapart?
Do backwards poets write inverse?
Do hungry clocks go back four seconds?
Are your calendar’s days numbered?
When puns are outlawed, will only outlaws have puns?
Will this ever stop? Yes, right now. But who pushed the “start” button in the first place?
Believe it or not, in the beginning, or pretty close to it, was the pun.
It’s no coincidence that the name Adam comes from ancient Hebrew for both man and earth – from dust we come . . .. And The New Testament’s, “Thou art Peter and on this rock I will build my church.” (Matthew 16:1), is a pun, but only if you know Greek and realize that Peter is “Petros” and rock, “petra.”
People have always been fascinated by their power to make magic with language. The bounty of nature might come from the gods, but wordplay could be home-groan.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 07-29-2002, 10:11 AM:
Rated G TRICK QUESTION
How many states are there with only four letters in their names?
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Nine. The easy ones are: Iowa, Utah
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The tough ones are: Alabama, Alaska, Hawaii, Indiana, Kansas, Mississippi, and Tennessee.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 08-07-2002, 11:51 AM:
Rated G Snow White was given a camera as a gift, and happily she went about taking photos of the dwarfs and their surroundings.
When she finished the roll of film, she took it to be developed in the local town.
Several days later, she went to collect her photos, but they hadn't come back from the processor yet.
Naturally, Snow White was disappointed and began to cry.
The clerk at the store, trying to console her, said, "Don't worry, someday your prints will come!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 08-07-2002, 12:03 PM:
Rated G A real eye-roller...
A man went to his dentist because he feels something wrong in his mouth.
The dentist examines him and says, "That new upper plate I put in for you six months ago is eroding. What have you been eating?"
The man replies, "All I can think of is that about four months ago, my wife made some asparagus and put some stuff on it that was delicious... Hollandaise sauce.
I loved it so much I now put on everything -- meat, fish, toast, vegetables... everything!"
"Well," says the dentist, "that's probably the problem. Hollandaise sauce is made with lots of lemon juice, which is highly corrosive. It's eaten away your upper plate. I'll make you a new plate, and this time I'll use chrome."
"Why chrome?" asks the patient.
The dentist replies, " It's simple. Everyone knows that there's no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 08-07-2002, 12:33 PM:
Rated G A Real Groaner
Mary Poppins was on her way to California to help some children
needing guidance and supervision, and she had almost reached her
destination when she was blown off course by a strong storm.
She decided to stop and take shelter at a small hotel. When she went
to the front desk to check in, she asked the clerk if the hotel
restaurant was still open and he replied that it had closed for
the evening, but she was still able to call room service and order
something to be delivered to her room.
The clerk handed her a small menu, and highly recommended the
cauliflower bread sticks that were becoming famous for their
tastiness, and were dipped into a special sauce, which was equally
delicious.
Mary Poppins thought that it sounded very appetizing, so she asked if she could order that for supper, and go ahead and order something to be brought to her room for breakfast. The clerk said, "Yes, ma'am. And what would you like for breakfast?"
"I would like four poached eggs, if you please," replied Mary.
After she checked in, the clerk called in her order to the kitchen, and Mary went off to her room.
The next morning, Mary came to the front desk to check out.
The clerk asked her if she enjoyed her stay and if the meals were to
her liking.
Mary Poppins, ever truthful, replied, "Well, the evening meal was very delicious, but quite frankly I didn't like the eggs at all!"
The clerk replied, "I'm sorry, ma'am... however we would appreciate it if you would write any comments that you might have in our Guest Suggestions book over there, because we always want to please our guests."
After checking out at the front desk, Mary wrote a brief note in the Guest Suggestions book, waved goodbye and left. The clerk was curious and looked at her entry. It read:
"SUPER-cauliflower-dip-sticks-eggs-were-all-atrocious!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 09-07-2002, 10:14 PM:
Rated PG Q: What do a nearsighted gynecologist and a dog have in common?
A: Wet noses!
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-21-2002, 08:23 PM:
Rated G Evi
I ran across a man in the park. He was sitting on a park bench
wearing a chef's hat and a white uniform.
He looked sad.
"What's wrong?" I asked.
"I haven't worked in two years." he said. "My brother is in jail,
and people think that because he's a thief, I must be a theif
too."
He took a moment to stare off into the distance. He looked back at
me and said, "I really wish people wouldn't judge a cook by it's
brother."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-25-2002, 03:27 PM:
Rated G Penelope
I have twin brothers who are eleven years older.
I felt shorted because my daddy would say "buffalo" to them when they would leave for school or work.
He didn't say anything strange or cute like that to me.
You see, it wouldn't work for a daughter. He said buffalo instead of "Bye Son".
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-29-2002, 07:12 AM:
Rated G Brain teasers that will make you groan ...
1) A murderer is condemned to death. He has to choose between three rooms. The first is full of raging fires, the second is full of assassins with loaded guns, and the third is full of lions that haven't eaten in 3 years. Which room is safest for him?
2) A woman shoots her husband. Then she holds him under water for over 5 minutes. Finally, she hangs him. But 5 minutes later they both go out together and enjoy a wonderful dinner together. How can this be?
3) There are two plastic jugs filled with water. How could you put all of this water into a barrel, without using the jugs or any dividers, and still tell which water came from which jug?
4) What is black when you buy it, red when you use it, and gray when you throw it away?
5) Can you name three consecutive days without using the words Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, or Sunday?
6) This is an unusual paragraph. I'm curious how quickly you can find out what is so unusual about it. It looks so plain you would think nothing was wrong with it. In fact, nothing is wrong with it! It is unusual though. Study it, and think about it, but you still may not find anything odd. But if you work at it a bit, you might find out.
Answer's Below
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1) The third. Lions that haven't eaten in three years are dead.
2) The woman was a photographer. She shot a picture of her husband, developed it, and hung it up to dry.
3) Freeze them first. Take them out of the jugs and put the ice in the barrel. You will be able to tell which water came from which jug.
4) The answer is Charcoal.
5) Sure you can: Yesterday, Today, and Tomorrow!
6) The letter "e," which is the most common letter in the English language, does not appear once in the long paragraph...
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-13-2002, 09:45 AM:
Rated G Silly Riddles
A man and a dog were going down the street. The man rode, yet walked. What was the dog's name?
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A man had two sons and named them both Ed. How come?
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Two Eds (heads) are better than one.
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At what time do most people go to the dentist?
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At tooth-hurty (2:30).
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Can you spell a composition with two letters?
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SA (essay).
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Can you spell a pretty girl with two letters?
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QT (cutey).
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Can you spell soft and slow with two letters?
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Can you spell very happy with three letters?
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XTC (ecstasy).
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Do moths cry?
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Sure. Haven't you ever seen a mothball (bawl) ?
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A horse has four legs (forelegs) in front and two behind.
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How can you spell chilly with two letters?
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IC (icy)
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-20-2002, 02:18 PM:
Rated G ![[Smile]](smile.gif)
~ PUNS 'R' US
~ Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.
~ Corduroy pillows are making headlines.
~ Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome?
~ Sea captains don't like crew cuts.
~ Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
~ A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.
~ Without geometry, life is pointless.
~ When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination.
~ Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
~ When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
~ A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired.
~ What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway).
~ In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your Count that votes. ![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-27-2002, 04:51 PM:
Rated R Riddle
"What do you get when you cross a donkey with and an onion?
Usually you just get an onion with long ears but once in a while you get a piece of ass thats brings you to tears."
Posted by Arthur Allen (Member # 969) on 11-30-2002, 01:36 PM:
Rated PG-13
A friend of mine likes to play tricks on me that literally scare the shit out of me.
With friends like that, who needs enemas?
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-03-2002, 01:33 PM:
Rated G Riddles
How did the patient get to the hospital so fast?
Flu.
How do mice kiss?
Mouse-to-mouse (mouth-to-mouth).
How do mummies behave?
In a grave manner.
How do you keep a rhinoceros from charging?
Take away his credit cards.
How do you know that carrots are good for the eyes?
Have you ever seen a rabbit wearing eyeglasses?
How do you stop a dog from barking in the back seat of a car?
Make him sit up front.
How does a snake feel when he sheds his skin?
Snaked.
If a buttercup is yellow, what colour is a hiccup?
Burple.
If a telegraph operator from California married a telephone operator from Arizona, what would they become?
A western union.
If an athlete gets athlete's foot, what does an astronaut get?
Missile toe.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-03-2002, 01:36 PM:
Rated G M0re Riddles
If you cross a dog and an egg, what would you get?
A pooched (poached) egg.
If you cross ducks and cows, what would you have?
Quackers (crackers) and milk.
If you crossed King Kong and a bell, what would you have?
A ding-dong King Kong.
If you found a $10 bill in every pocket of your coat, what would you have?
Someone else's coat.
If you need a loan, who do you see in the bank?
The Loan Arranger (Lone Ranger).
In what kind of home do the buffalo roam?
A very dirty one.
What causes a black eye?
A guided muscle (missile).
What did George Washington say to his men before crossing the Delaware by boat?
"Get in!"
What did Paul Revere say when he finished his famous ride?
"Whoa!"
What did the astronaut see on his skillet?
Unidentified frying (flying) objects.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-03-2002, 01:39 PM:
Rated G More Two Riddles
What did the boy octopus say to the girl octopus?
"I want to hold your hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand."
What did the cannibal have for lunch?
Baked beings (beans).
What do bees do with all their honey?
Cell (sell) it.
What do liars do after they die?
Lie still.
What do two oceans say when they meet?
They don't say anything, they just wave.
What do you call a knife that cuts four loaves of bread at the same time?
A four-loaf cleaver (clover).
What do you call a sunburn on your stomach?
Pot roast.
What do you call Eskimo cows?
Eskimoos.
What do you call it when pigs do their laundry?
Hogwash!
What do you get if you cross a canary and a tiger?
I don't know, but when it sings you'd better listen.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-03-2002, 01:45 PM:
Rated G More Four Riddles
What do you get if you cross a centipede and a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
What do you get if you cross a chick and a guitar?
A chicken that makes music when you pluck it.
What do you get if you cross a clock and a chicken?
An alarm cluck (clock).
What do you get if you cross a cocker spaniel,a poodle and a rooster?
A cockapoodledoo.
What do you get if you cross a homing pigeon and a woodpecker?
A bird that not only delivers messages, but also knocks on the door.
What does a mummy child call its parents?
Mummy and Deady.
What does a person have to know before teaching tricks to a dog?
More than the dog.
What goes, "Clomp, clomp, clomp, squish. Clomp, clomp, clomp, squish?"
An elephant with a wet sneaker.
What happened when the Scotsman went to buy clothes?
He got kilt (killed).
What happens when a bird flies into a fan?
You get shredded tweet.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-09-2002, 10:35 AM:
Rated G
Rhyme Time Riddle Answers!
What Is A Silly Mistake Made By A Police Officer?
Trooper Blooper
What Do You Call A Top Notch Detective?
Super Snooper
What Do You Call A Murder Detective?
Stabber Nabber
What Do You Call A Computer Nerd From Athens?
Greek Geek
What Do You Call A Coop Where Ducks Are Kept?
Quack Shack
What Do You Call A Snack Thief?
Frito Bandito
What Do You Call A Wealthy Tattletale?
Rich Snitch
What Do You Call A Fake Anthony?
Phony Tony
What Do You Call The Lid On The Popcorn Maker?
Popper Stopper
What Do You Call A Talkative Taxi Driver?
Gabby Cabby
What Do You Call Branded Beef?
Tatooed Food
What Do You Call A Tired Puppy?
Groggy Doggy
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-11-2002, 07:58 AM:
Rated G
The Stagecoach Dream
I had a dream the other night.I was in the old West riding in a
stagecoach. Suddenly,a man riding a horse pulls up to the left
side of the stagecoach, and a riderless horse pulls up on the right.
The man leans down,pulls open the door,and jumps off his horse into the stagecoach.Then he opens the door on the other side and jumps onto the other horse.
Just before he rode off,I yelled out, "What was all that about?"
He replied, "Nothing. It's just a stage I'm going through."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-16-2002, 07:59 AM:
Rated G
Christmas Riddles
Patient: Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a Christmas bell.
Doctor: Take these pills and if they don't work, give me a ring.
Patient: Doctor, I'm scared of Father Christmas.
Doctor: You're suffering from Claus-trophobia.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-27-2002, 12:16 PM:
Rated G
What do men and noodles have in common?
They're always in hot water; they lack taste, and they need dough.
Why do seagulls fly over the sea?
Because if they flew over the bay, they'ed be Bagels.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-27-2002, 04:13 PM:
Rated G
A man was explaining to his marriage counselor how he really loved his wife, Edith, but he just couldn't drop his mistress, Kate.
The marriage counselor shook his head and said, You can't have your Kate and Edith too."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-03-2003, 08:04 AM:
Rated G
Q: What do you call a line of rabbits walking backwards?
A: A receding hairline!
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-03-2003, 10:05 AM:
Rated G
Medevival Pun
Once upon a time an evil king captured a virgin princess and held her captive in his high tower.
Though she was very beautiful he forced her to wear a disgusting and smelly burlap dress.
"You'll never get away with this," she cried. "Some brave knight will rescue me!"
"Not in that old, dirty thing," the evil king replied.
She waited day and night, but it none came to rescue her, just as the king predicted.
Every knight that saw her in the window of the high tower was scared away by her disgustingly dirty dress.
After many months the princess broke down crying and the evil king taunted her,"You see?I told you no knight would rescue a damsel in this dress!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-03-2003, 10:33 AM:
Rated G .............Riddle
LIP
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Answer: Tiptoe thru the tulips
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-07-2003, 06:47 AM:
Rated G RIDDLE
Age Problem
My age today is three times what it will be three years from now minus three times what my age was three years ago. How old am I?
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The Answer:
The math way:
X = The current age.
X=3(X+3)-3(X-3)
X=18.
If I was 18 then three times my age three years from now would be 21*3 (63). Three times my age three years ago would be 15*3 (45). Subtract 45 from 63 and I am 18.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-07-2003, 10:08 AM:
Rated G RIDDLE
What am I?
I am the begining of eternity and the end of time and space. I am the begining of every end and the end of every place. What am I?
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The Answer:
The letter "E"! Beginning of Eternity end of timE and spacE, etc.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-07-2003, 11:41 AM:
Rated G ..........RIDDLE....FOR: EVANS GRISWOLD
10 Envelopes
A man told his son that he would give him $1000 if he could accomplish the following task. The father gave his son ten envelopes and a thousand dollars, all in one dollar bills. He told his son, "Place the money in the envelopes in such a manner that no matter what number of dollars I ask for, you can give me one or more of the envelopes, containing the exact amount I asked for without having to open any of the envelopes. If you can do this, you will keep the $1000."
When the father asked for a sum of money, the son was able to give him envelopes containing the exact amount of money asked for. How did the son distribute the money among the ten envelopes?
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The Answer:
The contents or the ten envelopes should be as follows: $1, $2, $4, $8, $16, $32, $64, $128, $256, $489. The first nine numbers are in geometrical progression, and their sum, deducted from 1,000, gives the contents of the tenth envelope.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-07-2003, 12:12 PM:
Rated G .......RIDDLE
The Bridge
Four members of a band are walking to a night concert. They decide to take a shortcut,but must cross a bridge.Luckily they have one flashlight.Because of the varying size of their instruments,it takes each member a different amount of time to cross the bridge - it takes the first person one minute,the second person two minutes,the third person five minutes and the fourth person ten minutes.They must cross the bridge in pairs,travelling at the slower speed so if the one minute person went with the ten minute person,it would take a total of ten minutes.Since there is only one flashlight,one person must come back across the bridge,then another pair can cross.They only have 17 minutes to cross the bridge and still get to the concert on time.What order should they cross to get everyone across and get to the concert?
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The Answer:
First, the one minute person and the two minute person must cross the bridge, for a total of two minutes. Then the one minute person should come back with flashlight - total of three minutes. The five minute person and the ten minute person cross together next, making the total thirteen minutes. Now the two minute person goes back and (total now fifteen minutes) and gets the one minute person and they cross together bringing the total to seventeen minutes.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-07-2003, 05:24 PM:
Rated G RIDDLE
What is it?
Whats greater than God, more evil than the Devil, poor people have it, rich people don't need it, and if you eat too much of it you will die. What is it?
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The Answer:
Nothing
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-09-2003, 10:09 AM:
Rated G ..........RIDDLE
Oranges and Peaches[/b]
There are three boxes containing fruit. The first box is marked peaches, the second is marked oranges, and the third box is marked peaches and oranges. Each of the boxes is labeled incorrectly. How could you label each box correctly if you were allowed to select only one fruit from one of the boxes?
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The Answer:
First you select a fruit from the box marked peaches and oranges. If it was a orange you selected, you know that the box could only contain oranges. If it was a peach, you know that the box could only contain peaches since each box in incorrectly marked. If, for example an orange was selected, you would mark that box oranges and switch the other two incorrect labels around. Now all three would be correctly labeled.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-09-2003, 10:26 AM:
Rated G ...........RIDDLE
Which way
You walk up to a mountain that has two paths. One leads to the other side of the mountain, and the other will get you lost forever. On the road you meet two twins that know the path that leads to the other side. You can ask them only one question. One of the twins only tells lies and the other only tells the truth, and you don't know which is which.
So, What do you Ask?
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The Answer:
Which way would your brother say?
Example: If the good path is left, and you ask the liar this question, he'll say Right, because his brother will say left and he himself lies. The truthful fellow will say right, because he tells the truth, and the other one lies.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-10-2003, 07:53 AM:
Rated G Riddle
A nail, a screw and a bolt.....
"What's the difference between a nail, a screw and a bolt?" the woodwork teacher asked the only girl in the class during the first day of school.
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She pondered the question for a moment,then replied, "Well,I can't rightly say as I know,'cause I ain't never been 'bolted'."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-11-2003, 03:39 PM:
Rated G
Two young men came upon a great trout brook.They stayed all day,
enjoying the fishing. At the end of the day,knowing that they would be graduating from Texas A & M soon,they vowed that they would return in 20 years.
Twenty years later,they walked into the woods and before long came upon a brook.One of the men said to the other,"This is them place!"
The other disagreed,but the first man said,"Yes, I recognize the clover growing on the other side." To which the other replied, "Silly,you can't tell a brook by its clover."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-14-2003, 09:38 AM:
Rated G ....................PUNS
Stealing the paintings
Recently a guy in Paris nearly got away with stealing several paintings from the Louvre.
However,after planning the crime,getting in and out past security,he was captured only 2 blocks away when his Econoline ran out of gas.
When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error,he replied"I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-20-2003, 07:04 AM:
Rated G Riddle
Why is a government worker like a shotgun with a broken firing pin?
It won't work and you can't fire it.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-20-2003, 09:10 AM:
Rated G Lorraine
Children were called upon in a classroom to make sentences with words chosen by the teacher.
The teacher smiled when Jack raised his hand to participate. She gave him the words 'defeat,' 'deduct,' 'defense,' and 'detail.'
Jack stood seriously for a while with all eyes focused on him awaiting his reply:
"Defeat of deduct went over defense before detail!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-21-2003, 08:42 AM:
Rated G
Frog Loan
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller, whose name is Patricia Whack.
'Ms. Whack,' he says, 'I'd like to obtain a loan to buy a boat.'
Patti furrows her brow and asks, 'Well, how much do you want to borrow?'
'$30,000,' the frog says.
The teller writes this down, then asks his name.
'My name is Kermit Jagger. I'm the son of Mick Jagger.'
'Really?' she asks, eyebrow raised.
'Yes,' he says. Then he digs into his pants pocket and produces a tiny pink porcelain elephant. 'And I want to use this as collateral.'
'Ummm, okay,' Patti says, accepting the elephant. 'I'll have to ask the owner about this.'
'That's fine,' he says. 'He'll vouch for me.'
Patti walks into the bank owner's office and explains the situation. 'There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000 to buy a boat. He wants to use this' - she holds up the tiny pink elephant - 'as collateral. I mean, what the heck is this thing?'
The owner says: 'It's a knick knack, Patti Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone.'
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-25-2003, 08:20 AM:
Rated G
Mary Poppins visiting
Mary Poppins was traveling home, but due to worsening weather, she decided to stop at a hotel for the night. She approached the receptionist and asked for a room for the night.
"Certainly madam", he replied courteously.
"Is the restaurant open still?" inquired Mary.
"Sorry, no," came the reply, "but room service is available all night. Would you care to select something from this menu?"
Mary smiled and took the menu and perused it. "Hmm, I would like cauliflower cheese please," said Mary.
"Certainly madam," he replied.
"And can I have breakfast in bed?" asked Mary politely. The receptionist nodded and smiled. "In that case, I would love a couple of poached eggs please," Mary mused. After confirming the order, Mary signed in and went up to her room for the night.
The night passed uneventfully and next morning Mary came down early to check out. The same guy was still on the desk.
"Morning madam...sleep well?"
"Yes, thank you," Mary replied.
"Food to your liking?"
"Well, I have to say the cauliflower cheese was exceptional, I don't think I have had better. Shame about the eggs tho....they really weren't that nice at all," replied Mary truthfully.
"Oh...well, perhaps you could contribute these thoughts to our Guest Comments Book.
We are always looking to improve our service and would value your opinion," said the receptionist.
"OK, I will...thanks!" replied Mary....who checked out, then scribbled a comment into the book. Waving, she left to continue her journey.
Curious, the receptionist picked up the book to see the comment Mary had written.
"Supercauliflowercheesebuteggswerequiteatrocious
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-31-2003, 04:02 PM:
Rated G Pun
Cleaning out the aviary at a run-down zoo, the keeper finds two finches that have died of old age. He picks them up and places them in a sack. After cleaning the cage he puts the sack in his wheelbarrow and moves on to the next cage.
When he reaches the primate cage he finds two chimps who have
also died of natural causes. "Waste not, want not," he says as
puts them in the sack with the finches.
Later at feeding time, he flips the dead animals from the sack, into the lions' cage.
"Bloody hell!" roars the lion. "Not finch and chimps again!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-04-2003, 11:28 AM:
Rated G :)Baby Blues
A few years ago a refugee from Laos came to the U.S. in one of theresettlement influxes.He had been an announcer in radio back in Laos,and he wanted to get into the same line of work here. The first thing he did was join AFTRA (American Federation of
Television and Radio Announcers).
He tried to pursue a job,but of course,he had problems with the English language,being a new resident.In order to keep body and soul together while going to English classes,he took up barbering.
Soon, he became a very good barber,giving haircuts,styling,and shaves.He seemed to be an artist with the straight razor.In fact,
the shop where he worked made him specialize in giving shaves.
Thus, he became known as an AFTRA shave Laotian.
(Sorry, I should have warned you.)
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-19-2003, 08:06 AM:
Rated G Riddle
A woman shoots her husband. Then she holds him under water for over 5 minutes. Finally, she hangs him.
But 5 minutes later they both go out together and enjoy a wonderful dinner together.
How can this be?
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The Answer:
The woman was a photographer.
She shot a picture of her husband, developed it, and hung it up to dry.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-24-2003, 04:32 PM:
Rated G Riddle
Sons and Horses
A rich man has two sons. When he dies, the sons read his will. The will says the sons must race their horses to a distant city and the LAST one's horse to get there gets the fortune. So the sons start racing as slow as possible to get the fortune. At nightfall they stop at an inn. They tell their problem to the innkeeper and in the morning the sons are racing as fast as they can to the city. What did the innkeeper tell them to do?
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The Answer:
He told them to switch horses.So if one son gets there first,he will be on his brother's horse and his horse will be last and he will get the fortune.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-28-2003, 02:42 PM:
Rated G PUN
A man tried to phone the King of the Jungle.
All he got was a recorded message saying, "All the lions are busy right now.
Please try later."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-28-2003, 02:44 PM:
Rated G PUN
A man is driving down a country road, when he spots a farmer standing in the middle of a huge field of grass. He pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that the farmer is just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing.
The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the farmer and asks him, "Ah excuse me mister, but what are you doing?"
The farmer replies, "I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize."
"How?" asks the man, puzzled.
"Well I heard they give the Nobel Prize to people who are out standing in their field."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-01-2003, 08:00 PM:
Rated G
Just for The Pun of It.
In 1868 the first dressmaker's shop opened. It seamed to do very
well.
In 1910 a Hungarian religious leader was found to be a Buddha pest.
In 1925 card playing reached the pinochle of success in the United States.
In 1945 the first all-white Dalmation dog was spotted.
In 1968 pantsuits for women became fashionable, but many ladies
tried to skirt the issue.
Sign on a window of a clock shop: 'If it doesn't tick--tock to us~'
When chicken broth was first canned, everyone thought it was
souper.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-11-2003, 10:48 AM:
Rated G
"A Good Pun Is Its Own Reword"
Energizer Bunny arrested-charged with battery.
A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.
Practice safe eating - always use condiments.
Banning the bra was a big flop.
Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.
If electricity comes from electrons...does that mean morality comes from morons.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Corduroy pillows are making headlines.
Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome?
Sea Captains don't like crew cuts.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
A Freudian slip is when you say one thing and mean your mother.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-12-2003, 06:45 AM:
Rated G
"A Good Pun Is Its Own Reword" 2
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
When two egotists meet, it is an I for an I.
Propaganda: A gentlemanly goose.
Dockyard: A physician's garden.
Incongruous: Where bills are passed.
Khakis: What you need to start the car in Boston.
Oboe: An English tramp.
Pasteurize: Too far to see.
Alarms: What an octopus is.
Toboggan: Why we go to an auction.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell.
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 03-20-2003, 08:39 AM:
Q. What becomes smaller when you add 2 letters to it?
A. Small.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-03-2003, 07:16 AM:
Rated G PUNS
1. I used to be a tap dancer until I fell in the sink.
2. When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye.
3. Did you hear about the fire at the circus? The heat was intense.
4. Seven days without a pun makes one weak.
5. A circus lion won't eat clowns because they taste funny.
6. To learn rope tricks you have to be taut.
7. When the human cannonball retired they couldn't find a replacement of the right caliber.
8. The magician got so mad he pulled his hare out.
9. To kill a circus in one blow, go for the juggler.
10. Tickets to see Paul McCartney were over a hundred dollars each because of the Sir charge.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-03-2003, 08:22 AM:
Rated G ..................State Puns ...........
1. Hawaii vacationers are here today, gone to Maui.
2. MISSOURI asked me to borrow MISSISSIPPIS's NEW JERSEY. I said 'I don't know - ALASKA'.
3. California is the land of earthquakes and suntans or 'shake and bake'.
4. Many people need to learn to be happy with the State they are in.
5. The first drinking establishment in Alaska was a polar bar.
6. A lot of brave men fought and died in San Antonio, Texas, which is Alamo reason to remember.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-03-2003, 09:29 AM:
Rated G ... Computer PUNS...
1. Talking to her about computer hardware I make my mother board.
2. It's tough to be in the computer business when the chips are down.
3. Will this computer last five years? Obsoletely!
4. He dropped a computer on his toes and had megahertz.
5. If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.
6. Home page: when your family makes your beeper go off.
7. He forgot to pay me for the computer I sold him. Bad cache memory.
8. Buying a cheap mouse could leave you with a squeak and a sad tale.
9. Pocket tape recorders were invented for those who like small talk.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-04-2003, 11:22 AM:
Rated G Coffee Anyone?
1. Stealing someone's coffee is called 'mugging'.
2. Drinking too much coffee can cause a latte problems.
3. Does a coffee shop have the grounds to operate in the black?
4. Coffee has bean the grounds of many a heated and strong discussion.
5. Is coffee your daily grind?
6. When he spilled coffee on her shirt she showed him dis-stain.
7. I just had some coffee that was good only for its sedimental value.
8. When they spilled coffee on his neck, he got hot under the collar.
9. The coffee around here is break fluid.
10. Selling coffee has its perks for those who have bean so lucky.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-05-2003, 09:18 AM:
Rated G
1. I used to be a tap dancer until I fell in the sink.
2. When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye.
3. Did you hear about the fire at the circus? The heat was intense.
4. Seven days without a pun makes one weak.
5. A circus lion won't eat clowns because they taste funny.
6. To learn rope tricks you have to be taut.
7. When the human cannonball retired they couldn't find a replacement of the right caliber.
8. The magician got so mad he pulled his hare out.
9. To kill a circus in one blow, go for the juggler.
10. Tickets to see Paul McCartney were over a hundred dollars each because of the Sir charge.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-05-2003, 09:21 AM:
Rated G
1. What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway).
2. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was a nurse said 'No change yet'.
3. Nylons give women a run for their money.
4. How do you make antifreeze? Steal her blanket.
5. Some children think that their parents are all no-ing.
6. The primary responsibility for a child's education is apparent.
7. We were so poor when I was growing up we couldn't even afford to pay attention.
8. My uncle called my grandfather a deer when he let my antelope.
9. A husband with little English struggled to explain that his wife could not have children, saying 'she is unbearable'. Getting a blank stare he tried: 'she is impregnable'. Then finally he figured he had it: 'she is inconceivable!'
10. Some childen are often on their pest behavior.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-05-2003, 09:24 AM:
Rated G PUNS
1. Once you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
2. Waiting for her photos to be developed a young girl sang 'Some day my prints will come.'
3. A pet store had a bird contest with no perches necessary.
4. A music store had a small sign which read: Bach in a Minuet.
5. A book store and clothing store merged under the name text-aisles.
6. At a pet store: 'buy one, get one flea'.
7. When a ladder was stolen from a store the manager said that further steps would be taken.
8. At shoe stores they believe there's dignity in de feet.
9. Can a piece of antique clothing be uncomfortable? Of corset can.
10. Some music stores are in a CD part of town.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-06-2003, 09:40 AM:
Rated G PUNS
She beat him to the garden by pre-seeding him.
He worked at a factory making eye glasses and was pushed into the machine. He made a spectacle of himself. He was framed.
A sports match was attended by many scores.
The weather bureau is an umbrella organization.
The forest ranger reunited a mother with her cubs and had to bring all his expertise to bear.
A ship was lost at sea until they founder remains.
The jam thief had his own jargon.
He became a vegetarian because he couldn't make ends meat.
To find the marionnette I wanted, I had to pull a couple of strings.
A farmer brought a bucket of milk to church so it could be pastorized.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-08-2003, 04:36 PM:
Rated G
1. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
2. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
3. Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat minor.
4. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
5. To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
6. If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
7. A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired
8. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
9. Every calendar's days are numbered.
10. It's better to love a short girl than not a tall.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-08-2003, 04:39 PM:
Rated G
1. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
2. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
3. Show me someone in denial and I'll show you a person in Egypt up to their ankles.
4. There is some Confucion about the oldest religion in China.
5. If you said you were from South America, I would not Bolivia.
6. Visitors to Cuba are usually Havana good time.
7. Italian building inspectors in Pisa are leanient.
8. Did you know that donuts were first made in Greece?
9. I like European food so I decided to Russia over there because I was Hungary. After Czech'ing the menu I ordered Turkey. When I was Finnished I told the waiter 'Spain good but there is Norway I could eat another bite'.
10. In a Scandinavian race the last Lapp crossed the Finnish line
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-08-2003, 04:42 PM:
Rated G
1. If you step onto a plane and recognize a friend of yours named Jack don't yell out Hi Jack!
2. Don't expect to eat something fancy when you're flying because it's plane food.
3. If you get sick at the airport it could be a terminal illness.
4. An astronaut broke the law of gravity and got a suspended sentence.
5. Travelling on a flying carpet is a rugged experience.
6. To become a pilot requires a good altitude.
7. An astronaut wrote about flying twice to the moon. It was double spaced.
8. An astronaut who fails on a weightlessness experiment must be aware of the gravity of the situation.
9. When astronauts die they run an orbituary.
10. Before an airline changes a process they have to have a pilot project to find out if the idea will fly.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-09-2003, 06:15 AM:
Rzted G Puns
1. A cardboard belt would be a waist of paper.
2. Some people's noses and feet are build backwards: their feet smell and their noses run.
3. Be true to your teeth, or they will be false to you.
4. The headlines nobody likes are wrinkles.
5. I need to cut my fingernails before they get too out of hand.
6. Your nose is in the scenter of your face.
7. Artificial knees and elbows were developed during a joint project.
8. This old shoe is on its last leg.
9. Vampires are always looking for their necks victim.
10. Being able to fit size 14 shoes is quite a feet.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-09-2003, 06:18 AM:
Rated G Puns
1. Be kind to your dentist because he has fillings too.
2. A dentist and manicurist fought tooth and nail.
3. A lawyer asked his dentist to give him a retainer.
4. Dentists practice by going through many drills.
5. My cavity wasn't fixed by my regular dentist, but by a guy who was filling in.
6. Dentists have their own flossify on how to keep teeth clean.
7. Ten years without brushing causes horrible tooth decade.
8. A dentist gets on everybody's nerves.
9. Going to the dentist can be very full filling.
10. They called him the king of the dentists because he specialized in crowns.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-15-2003, 12:36 PM:
Rated G Riddle
Always old,sometimes new,never sad,sometimes blue.Never empty, sometimes full,never pushes,always pulls.What am I?
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.The Moon
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-24-2003, 05:48 AM:
Rated G PUNS Baby Blues
Okay, People, A friend and I got into a punwar on cheesy titles.
Here are the results of our warped minds. (We mozzarella been out of our minds! But what a whey to go..)
"Inna-Gouda-Da-Vida"
"Let it Brie"
"Ricotta Get Out of This Place"
"Cheeses Christ Superstar"
"Your Cheesing Heart"
"Bleu (cheese) Suede Shoes"
"Nacho Man"
"Muenster Mash"
"The Guns of Provolone"
"The Scarlet Cheddar"
"East of Edam"
"The Velveeta Rabbit"
[ 04-27-2003, 04:12 AM: Message edited by: Bob Maar ]
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-27-2003, 04:16 AM:
Rated G
It was time again for the annual ostrich hunt.
Ollie,an old and well-known ostrich,was tired after all these years and he couldn't run much anymore.But,he didn't relish getting himself killed either,so he came up with a plan.He stripped off his feathers,got some brown paint,and put a
pillow on his back.Now,he looked just like any camel he had
ever seen.
Well,Ollie survived the first day and the second too.But,on the third day,a hunter shot and killed Ollie.
Asked later how he managed to get the old legendary ostrich,the hunter replied,"He fooled me at first,but it didn't take me too long to see through his camel flaws."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-27-2003, 04:21 AM:
Rated G
PARROT DROPPINGS
I own a pet parrot who is very friendly and talkative.I bought a beautiful golden cage to keep him in.As I said,he is very friendly and everyone loves him.
Lately,however,his droppings have become quite odoriferous.It had reached the point where you couldn't walk in the room without feeling nauseous.I tried various household solutions to clean the cage,and get rid of the odors but none would work.
Finally the bird, himself, came up with the solution, I heard him singing,"Ammonia a bird in a gilded cage!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 05-20-2003, 07:24 AM:
Rated G Sue Bee
Jim Finn,the noted biologist,was stumped.He'd spent months
studying the little green frogs in the Keefo swamp.The
population,despite all efforts at predator control,was declining at an alarming rate.
Finally, Finn went to the chemistry department at his college to
see if anyone there might be able to help. Tom Trom looked into
the problem and came up with a solution. The little frogs had
succumbed to a chemical change in the swamp's water and simply
couldn't stay coupled long enough to reproduce.Trom brewed up a
new adhesive,made from a dash of this,a spoonful of that and,
most critically,one part sodium.
"You mean..." Jim said when told.
"Yes," said Tom, "they needed mono-sodium glue to mate."
Posted by Arthur Allen (Member # 969) on 05-22-2003, 03:14 PM:
Rated PG
This Film-Tech joke brought to you by Wu Pass Beer. If someone gets in your face about your choice of beer, open up a can of Wu Pass on them!
And, coming soon, look for Wy Pass Quality Bathroom Tissue.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 05-31-2003, 11:56 PM:
Rated G
A group of people are touring the White House in Washington D.C. As the tour ends,they are waiting in line to sign the visitors register.
A group of Nuns are in line to sign the book,followed by a Jewish family with their young son Sheldon.
As they near the visitors registry,young Sheldon loses patience and runs ahead to sign the book.However,his mother stops him and admonishes him saying,"Wait till the nun signs Shelly!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-02-2003, 07:53 AM:
Rated G
Artifacts are a major portion of an Indian reservation's economy.
Annually,thousands of tourists visit reservations and most will
not leave without purchasing at least one memento of the
traditional Indian culture.
One enterprising Indian was able to outsell his competitors in
the sale of wooden dolls by selling them at only a fraction of the cost others had to charge.On examination of his dolls they found that where traditionally hard wood was used,this Indian would use cheap pine on which he glued thin pieces of fine mahogany,thus being able to produce the dolls at only a fraction of the cost.
While he claimed his dolls were still authentic,his competitors
complained that it was only a cheapSioux Veneer.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-04-2003, 08:16 AM:
Rated G
BIRDIE STORY
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"I can't make it;" The baby pigeon said, "I'm getting too tired."
His mother said, "Don't worry; I'll tie a piece of string to one
of your legs and the other end to mine."
The baby pigeon started to cry.
What's wrong?" asked the mother.
"I don't want to be pigeon towed!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-07-2003, 07:53 AM:
Rated G Baby Blues
Q: What do you get when 20 violinists start playing at the
same time but play different songs?
A: A senseless act of violins.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-09-2003, 01:40 PM:
Rated G Baby Blues
A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered
dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls.One day his supply of the birds ran out,so he had to go out and trap some more.On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road.Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them.
Immediately,he was arrested and charged with transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-09-2003, 04:42 PM:
Rated G Sue Bee
Historians have recently discovered that Annie Oakley, famed
sharp-shooter of the Old West, had a sister.
The sister, Carrie, gained some renown in her day as a singer
in various saloons throughout the West, but it was not until
after her death that she was very widely known.
Today, countless bars are dedicated to Carrie Oakley.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-09-2003, 04:53 PM:
Rated G Lorraine
If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
[ 06-29-2003, 09:40 AM: Message edited by: Bob Maar ]
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-29-2003, 09:33 AM:
Rated G
A Texas A & M grad got engaged to two very pretty women at the same time.One was named Edith;the other named Kate.They met, discovered they had the same fiancée,and told him:
"Get out of our lives you rascal.We'll teach you that you can't have your Kate and Edith, too."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 07-02-2003, 10:11 AM:
Rated G
Earl Gray
Many people assume that Earl Gray tea got its name by being the favorite of that English earl.
However,it seems that there is a small town in Wales named Earl Gray where the town's citizens are getting concerned about the ability of their mayor to continue in office.
The incumbent was initially elected in 1972 and she has run unopposed in every election since.
Unfortunately,her age now hinders her from getting about. What the citizens are saying is that . . . the Earl Gray mayor, she ain't what she used to be!
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 07-06-2003, 11:16 AM:
Rated G Riddles
Q. A farmer had seventeen sheep, all but nine died. How many did he have left?.
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A. Nine
Q. Before Mount Everest was discovered, what was the highest mountain on earth?.
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A. Mount Everest
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Q. Can a man legally marry his widow's sister in the state of California?
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A. No, Because hes dead
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 07-06-2003, 11:21 AM:
Rated G
Q. How much dirt is in a hole 4 feet deep and 2 feet wide?
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A. None, there is not dirt in a hole.
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Q. Forward I am heavy, Backward I am not? What am I?
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A. A ton.
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Q. What has to be broken before it can be used?
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A. An egg
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 07-07-2003, 06:07 AM:
Rated G Riddles
Q. What starts with T ends in T and has T in it?
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A. A teapot
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Q. What do you serve but you don't eat.
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A. A tennis ball
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Q. What can you catch but not throw?
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A. A cold
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 07-07-2003, 03:50 PM:
Rated G
Q. Why cant you take pictures of a man with a wooden leg?
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A. Because you need a camera
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Q. The more you take, The more you leave behind, what are they?
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A. Footsteps
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Q. Whats the difference between here and there?
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A. The letter T
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Q. You can't keep this until you have given it, what is it?
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A. A promise
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 07-08-2003, 08:28 AM:
Rated G
Q. There is a clerk at the butchers store.He is Five feet 10 inches tall and wears size 13 sneakers.He has a wife and 2 kids.
What does he weigh?
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A. A butcher weighs meat.
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Q. In what year did Christmas day and New years day, fall in the same year?
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A. Every Year.
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Q. The more it dries the wetter it gets, what is it?
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A. A towel
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Q. No sooner spoken than broken. What is it?
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A. Silence
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 07-08-2003, 08:42 AM:
Rated G
Q. The more you have of it the less you see?.
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A. Darkness
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Q. The more you take away from it the bigger it gets, what is it?
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A. A hole
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Q. Some months have 30 days, some have 31 days how many have 28 days?
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A. They all do
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Q. What goes up and down without moving?
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A. A staircase.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 07-08-2003, 08:50 AM:
Rated G
Q. What kind of nut has no shell?
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A. A doughnut
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Q. What two words contain the most letters?
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A. Post Office
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Q. What kind of room has no windows or doors?
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A. A mushroom
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Q. What is in the middle of Nowhere?
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A. The Letter "H"
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Q. What has feet and legs, and nothing else,
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A. Pantyhose
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Q. He has married many women but never been married, what is he?
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A. A priest
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Q. What travels around the world yet stays in one corner?
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A. A stamp
Posted by Rachel Gilardi (Member # 1016) on 07-09-2003, 06:45 PM:
Rated PG-13
JACK AND JILL
Went up the hill To have a little fun.
Stupid Jill Forgot the pill And now they have a son.
MARY HAD A LITTLE LAMB
Her father shot it dead Now it goes to school with her,
Between two chunks of bread.
LITTLE MISS MUFFET
Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet, Her clothes all tattered and torn.
It had not been the spider that crept up beside her
But Little Boy Blue and his horn.
SIMPLE SIMON
Simple Simon met a Pieman going to the fair
Said Simple Simon to the Pieman "What have you got there?"
Said the Pieman unto Simon "Pies, you dumbass!"
HUMPTY DUMPTY
Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall
All the king's horses and all the king's men
Had scrambled eggs for breakfast again.
HEY DIDDLE, DIDDLE,
Hey Diddle Diddle The cat did a piddle,
All over the bedside clock.
The little dog laughed to see such fun
When it died of electric shock.
GEORGIE PORGY
Georgie Progy Pudding and Pie
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
When the boys came out to play
He kissed them too, 'cause he was gay.
THERE WAS A LITTLE GIRL
There was a little girl who had a little curl
Right in the middle of her forehead
And when she was good,
She was very, very good
But when she was bad
she got a Fur coat, jewels, and a sports car.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 07-15-2003, 07:45 AM:
Rated G
A farmer is milking his cow. As he is milking, a fly comes along
and flies into the cows ear. A little bit later, the farmer
notices the fly in the milk. The farmer looks up and says,"Hmmmm.
In one ear, out the udder."
[ 07-15-2003, 03:18 PM: Message edited by: Bob Maar ]
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 07-17-2003, 08:28 PM:
Rated G Riddles
Q: What are two things people never eat before breakfast?
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A: Lunch and supper.
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Q:Why did the man throw a bucket of water out the window?
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A: He wanted to see the waterfall.
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Q: Why did the man throw the butter out the window?
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A: He wanted to see the butterfly.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 07-18-2003, 07:16 PM:
Rated G PUNS
A good pun is its own reword. Even bad puns are worth reading by a groan man or woman.
A good pun is its own reword. (In case you missed the pun the first time!)
A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.
A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Corduroy pillows are making headlines.
Shotgun wedding: a case of wife or death.
Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
Every calendar's days are numbered.
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome?
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway.)
Sea captains don't like crew cuts.
A backward poet writes in inverse.
Energizer Bunny arrested -- charged with battery.
Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
Local Area Network in Australia; the LAN down under.
If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.
When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination.
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought
she'd dye.
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
Without geometry, life is pointless.
A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired.
In democracy your vote counts, In feudalism your count votes.
A lot of money is tainted. It taint yours and it taint mine.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft, and I'll show you A flat minor.
Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.
The midget fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small
medium at large.
The poor guy fell into a glass grinding machine and made a
spectacle of himself.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the
end.
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 07-21-2003, 06:50 AM:
Rated G PUN
SIGN AT A CREMATORIUM:
Urn more. Pay less.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 07-22-2003, 07:36 AM:
Rated G PUNS
I was worried about my receding hairline so I made a deal with thedevil.He promised that if I ever go bald,he'll make it grow back.
So now I have adopted a devil make hair attitude,even though I
know that someday there'll be Hell toupee.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 07-29-2003, 09:16 AM:
Rated G PUN
Overheard at the mall:'I'd like a pair of stockings for my wife.'
'Sheer?'
'No, she's at home.'
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 07-31-2003, 08:32 AM:
Rated G MIKE
What a wonderful play on words!
1. A bicycle can't stand alone because it is two-tired.
2. What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway).
3. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
4. A backward poet writes inverse.
5. In democracy it's your vote that counts; In feudalism, it's
your count that votes.
7. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
8. If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
9. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
10. Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show
you A-flat minor.
11. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
12. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully
recovered.
13. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result
in Linoleum Blownapart.
14. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
15. Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
16. He often broke into song because he couldn't find the
key.
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17. Every calendar's days are numbered.
18. A lot of money is tainted. 'Taint yours and 'taint mine.
19. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
20. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
21. A plateau is a high form of flattery.
22. The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
23. Those who get too big for their britches will be
exposed in the end.
24. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
25. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
26. When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she
thought she'd dye.
27. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
28. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
29. Acupuncture is a jab well done.
30. Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of
defeat.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 07-31-2003, 10:45 AM:
Rated G Michele
What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies?
A bingo machine
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 08-04-2003, 01:38 PM:
Rated G Snow Whites Pictures
Snow White received a camera as a gift.She happily took pictures of the Dwarfs and their surroundings.When she finished her first batch she took the film to be developed.After a week or so she went to get the finished photos.The clerk said the photos were not back from the processor.
Needless to say,she was disappointed and started to cry.The clerk,trying to console her, said,
"Don't worry. Someday your prints will come".
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 08-04-2003, 04:18 PM:
Rated G
There once was a chicken farmer who lived in a small village in
China.One year,all of his chickens were afflicted with a strange blight that caused them to lose their feathers.
The farmer was deeply concerned about this,because winter was
coming,and,the chickens had no feathers,they would freeze to
death.So,farmer decided to consult the two wisest men in the land.
First,he visited Mr. Ching,the renowned scholar.Mr. Ching leafed through all his agricultural and medicinal texts and poured
over books and scrolls well into the night.Finally,he returned
to the farmer and told him that if he crushed the leaves of a gum tree into powder,made it into tea,and fed it to his chickens,they would be cured.
The farmer then went to Mr. Ming,the great seer.Mr.Ming cast stones,read tea leaves,and poked through entrails until finally he came up with the answer:"Tea made from gum leaves will cause feathers to stick to chicken."
Now the farmer was ecstatic.The two wisest men in the land had given him exactly the same prescription,so,as soon as he returned home,he took some gum leaves and made tea from them.He mixed this with the chicken feed and fed it to his chickens.
But it didn't work.The chickens continued to lose their feathers,and,with the onset of winter,they all froze.
moral of this story:
"All of Ching's courses and all of Ming's ken, couldn't get gum
tea to feather a hen!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 08-21-2003, 06:49 AM:
Rated G
Cleaning out the aviary at a run-down zoo, the keeper finds
two finches that have died of old age. He picks them up and
places them in a sack. After cleaning the cage he puts the
sack in his wheelbarrow and moves on to the next cage.
When he reaches the primate cage he finds two chimps who have
also died of natural causes. "Waste not, want not," he says
as puts them in the sack with the finches.
Later at feeding time, he flips the dead animals from the
sack, into the lions' cage.
"Bloody hell!" roars the lion. "Not finch and chimps again!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 08-23-2003, 05:30 AM:
Rated G Lorraine
A happily married man had only one complaint,his wife was always nursing sick birds.
One November evening,he came home to find a raven with a
splint on its beak sitting in his favorite chair.On the dining
room table there was a feverish eagle pecking at an aspirin while in the kitchen his wife was comforting a shivering little wren that she found in the snow.
The furious spouse strode over to where his wife was towering down the cold little bird. "I can't take it any more! We've got to get rid of all of these darn..."The wife held up her hand to cut him off in mid-curse.
"Please Dear," she said, "Not in front of the chilled wren."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 08-23-2003, 05:52 AM:
Rated G Lorraine
Two lobsters were sunbathing on the beach.The lady lobster
suggested to the gentleman lobster to get them each an ice cream.
Having purchased two ice cream cones,Mr.Lobster made his way
back to the beach,deciding on the way to eat his ice cream.By
the time he has finished the ice cream he realized that his lady
friend's ice cream had started to melt all down his claw,so he
licked it up and ended up eating it.
When he arrived back at the beach his lady lobster friend
exclaimed "Where are the ice creams?"
"Well," he said."I decided to eat mine,then yours melted so
I ate that too."
His lady friend was incensed and cried, "You shellfish creep!!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 08-23-2003, 05:58 AM:
Rated G
Back during the days of expansion to the west,people traveled by
stagecoach.This was not a particularly comfortable way to go,
with the bumpy paths and crowded seats.However,there wasn’t much choice.
Being in business to make money,the operators of these
stagecoaches tried to think of various ways to increase revenue on each trip.People were willing to pay not only to ride out west,but they were willing to pay to ship things to friends and
relatives who had already relocated.Of course,passengers were
the most lucrative.So it follows that the more people you could
transport on each trip,the more money the company made.
With that in mind,these companies began restricting passengers to being under a certain weight,in order to fit three people in a seat instead of only two.Not only was this extremely
uncomfortable for the travelers,but it became obvious to those
wishing to relocate that there would be no west for the reary.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 09-03-2003, 03:05 PM:
Rated G B.B. PUN
There was this really smart sheep down in Mexico who knew how to make butter and buttermilk.
One night she sneaked across the border and got a job working for a farmer,who set up a roadside stand and told her to try to sell the stuff.
Unfortunately traffic was very heavy and the sight of this sheep
making butter and buttermilk was so distracting that naturally
there was an accident.
The police investigated and issued the farmer a citation for
attempting to make an illegal ewe churn on a busy highway.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 09-11-2003, 02:27 PM:
Rated G
I was hired to modernize the town's only department store.
I had to convince them that it was financially sound to add escalators,even though they had adequate elevators. Every successful department store executive should know that elevators have their ups and downs,but escalators are a step in the right direction.
My biggest error was to recommend they redo the front in imported marble.
Everybody took it for granite.
[ 09-12-2003, 01:11 AM: Message edited by: Bob Maar ]
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 09-12-2003, 01:14 AM:
Rated G Hank in Simi
It was visitors day at the lunatic asylum. All the inmates were standing in the courtyard and singing "Ave Maria." And singing it beautifully.
Oddly,each of them was holding a red apple in one hand and tapping it rhythmically with a pencil. A visitor listened in wonderment to the performance and then approached the choir. "I am a retired choir director," he said. "This is one of the best choirs I have ever heard,"
"Yes, I'm very proud of them," said the conductor.
"You should take them on tour," said the visitor, "what are they called?"
"Surely that's obvious," replied the conductor!
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They are the Moron Tapanapple Choir.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 09-23-2003, 07:06 AM:
Rated G Louise
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly,but when they lit a
fire in the craft it sank..
-- proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 09-23-2003, 08:15 AM:
Rated G Louise
A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a
hazelnut daiquiri on his way home.
The bartender knew of his habit,and would always have the drink
waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m.
One afternoon, as the end of the work day approached,the bartender was dismayed to find that he was out of hazelnut extract.Thinking quickly,he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar.
The doctor came in at his regular time,took one sip of the drink
and exclaimed,"This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri!"
"No,I'm sorry," replied the bartender, "it's a hickory daiquiri,
Doc."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 09-23-2003, 04:03 PM:
Rated G Alex
Entering a remote inn on a cold and rainy night, I was stopped by a small man who told me he was sick, tired, and broke, and would I provide him with enough for a warm indoors room for the night?
Feeling sorry for him and having not yet my monthly tithe for
charitable works, I bought him a room at the inn.
As we headed upstairs, he told me he was really a leprechaun, but a bad one, and that he had already used up the gold. What he had left was a magic talking cloth which would give good advice when asked.
He gave it to me and told me to use it wisely.
We parted ways.
I got up to my room and it had two beds. I asked the cloth in
which bed should I sleep -- it told me to take the one away from
the window.
In the middle of the night, the wind rose and a tree limb crashed through the window onto the other bed. What a miraculous
instrument the fellow had given me!
The next morning I resumed my journey.
And when I came to a fork in the road, I asked my newfound
companion which way I should go.
"I can't tell you now," came the reply. "I'm a night towel."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 09-23-2003, 04:50 PM:
Rated G Alex
A barman looks out the window of his bar and sees a guy riding a
horse dressed in a hunting outfit with a rifle over one arm and a hound running along beside him.
He dismounts and comes walking into the bar where upon he takes
the rifle off his shoulder and starts wandering around with his
dog sniffing ever table, chair and small corner of the bar.
After a while he approaches the barman who asks him what he's
doing. And the guy replies - "I'm hunting you idiot... can't you
see that !"
"OK, OK..." says the barman, "Would you like a drink while you
hunt ?".
Immediately the hunter says, " Do you have any cheap Gin !!?".
Rather taken a back by the abruptness of his request the barman
replies, "No I'm sorry I'm all out of the cheap stuff is there
anything else you'd like ? ".
No" says the hunter and he starts to leave.
As he reaches the door the barman calls after him, "By the way,
pal, exactly what do you hunt?"
" I hunt for cheap gin you bumbling idiot! Couldn't you tell
that - I'm a BarGIN Hunter!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 09-23-2003, 04:59 PM:
Rated G Riddle
What do you get when you cross a skunk and a giant?
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I don't know but it stinks to high heaven.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 09-23-2003, 05:02 PM:
Rated G Lorraine
QUESTION: How can you tell which end of a worm is which?
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ANSWER: Tickle it in the middle and see which end laughs!
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 09-25-2003, 06:28 AM:
Rated PG
What's the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping tom?
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The pickpocket snatches your watch.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 09-25-2003, 07:04 AM:
Rated G Sue Bee
What did the forgetful skunk say when the wind changed direction?
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It’s all coming back to me now!
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-20-2003, 01:13 PM:
Rated G
A young couple was making passionate love in a van which was
complete with shag carpets and a double mattress.Suddenly,the kinky girl yelled out,"Oh, big boy,whip me,whip me!"
The man didn't want to pass up this unique opportunity.So,in a
flash of inspiration,he ran outside and snapped the aerial from
the hood of the van.
He then proceeded to whip her until they both collapsed in sado-
masochistic ecstasy.
A week later, the girl noticed that the marks left by the kinky
sex were beginning to fester, so she went to the doctor.
The doctor took one look at her wounds and said,"I don't suppose you got these marks while having kinky sex."
The embarrassed girl admitted,"Yes, sir, they are."
The doctor nodded and remarked,"I thought so, because in all my years of doctoring I've never seen such a bad case of van aerial disease."
Posted by Gordon Bachlund (Member # 124) on 10-21-2003, 05:55 PM:
LUELLA BOBBITT
Lorena Bobbitt's sister, Luella, was arrested yesterday for an alleged attempt to perform the same act on her husband as her infamous sister had done several years ago.
Sources reveal the sister was not as accurate as Lorena. She allegedly missed the target and stabbed her husband in the upper thigh causing severe muscle and tendon damage.
The husband is reported to be in serious, but stable condition and Luella has been charged with a Misdewiener.
Oh, don't groan. You know you're going to send this on to somebody.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-22-2003, 01:55 PM:
Rated G
Historians have recently discovered that Annie Oakley,famed
sharp-shooter of the Old West,had a sister.
The sister,Carrie,gained some renown in her day as a singer in various saloons throughout the West,but it was not until after her death that she was very widely known.
Today,countless bars are dedicated to Carrie Oakley.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-23-2003, 01:38 PM:
Rated G Michele
What did Phil Harris say to his wife when she didn't want to go
out and see the lights on their Alaskan cruise?
"Does the Aurora bore you, Alice?"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-23-2003, 01:52 PM:
Rated G Michele
It seems that an elephant got too close to all the baby ducks the circus had brought in for Easter, and accidentally inhaled a bunch of them.The poor elephant was choking on them and no one could help.
Finally the trainer goosed him -- and the elephant blew out a
whole trunk full of downy feathers. Yep! That's what he gets for
snorting quack.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-26-2003, 03:10 PM:
Rated G Lorraine
Lowell, Massachusetts, an old New England mill town wanting to
attract more tourists held a brainstorming session.
One bright marketing guy suggested that since German tourists like to travel with their dogs,that they experiment with using the old mills as pet hotels. That way, while in America, these tourists could house the animals there conveniently ... and who knows but what they would spend time (and some of their money) touring the countryside as well.
After a few months,supporters asked how the experiment was going."Just listen!" said the manager:
"The Mills are alive with the hounds of Munich!"
[ 01-06-2004, 08:13 AM: Message edited by: Bob Maar ]
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-28-2003, 11:51 AM:
Rated G
Question: What do you call an old wizard who has bad breath, brittle bones, and a lot of corns on his feet?
Answer: A super-calloused fragile mystic who has hallitosis.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-29-2003, 01:48 PM:
Rated G TheWhiteRabbit
An Angelic Pun
An angel went to see St. Peter. "All I do," the angel said, "is
play the harp endlessly, and I'm getting bored."
St. Peter asked, "What would you rather do?"
The angel answered, "I like to dance."
"We don't allow dancing here in heaven," St. Peter said, "but I
can see you need a change so I will allow you to take advantage
of a once-in-an-eternal-lifetime offer. I will allow you 24 hours
leave to return to earth and dance."
"I'm gone," the angel said and in a trice the angel was in
California and quickly found a dance hall run by Samuel Frank.
Checking the harp and wings, the angel boogied and danced and had
a great time until just seconds remained of the leave.
The angel grabbed up the wings and immediately was in heaven
again. Returning to St. Peter, the angel said, "I'm back and
I am so happy. I'll never feel bored again."
St. Peter said, "That's wonderful, but where is your musical
instrument?"
"Oh, no," the angel said, "I left my harp in Sam Frank's Disco."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-10-2003, 10:47 AM:
Rated G Sue Bee
Back in the 1800s the Tates Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to produce other products and since they already made them cases for pocket watches,decided to market compasses for the pioneers traveling West.
It turned out that although their watches were of finest quality,their compasses were so bad that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than California.
This,of course,is the origin of the statement,"He who has a
Tates is lost."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-12-2003, 01:27 PM:
Rated G
In the early 20th Century,Thomas Edison was spreading the word about electricity.Once,while vacationing out West,he stopped at the Sioux reservation.
Edison was shocked to learn that there was no indoor plumbing, and that he would have to use an outhouse. In fact, he was told, the Sioux had to use the outhouse regardless of the weather.
To help the Sioux,Edison installed lights in the outhouse.
With this kind act, he became the first person to wire a head for a reservation!
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-16-2003, 06:07 AM:
Rated G TheWhiteRabbit
I remember an incident a few years ago,in my home town school
district, wherein a certain high school teacher was accused of
"introducing" some of his students to marijuana. Apparently
several of the students eventually developed such strong pot
habits that they had "munched" themselves 20-30 lbs. overweight,
and had voluntarily turned the teacher in out of anger.It was
not the first time a pot smoker had been given away by dilated
pupils.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-17-2003, 08:21 AM:
Rated G Lorraine
Ollie,an old and well-known ostrich, was tired after all these
years and he couldn't run much anymore.But,he didn't relish
getting himself killed either,so he came up with a plan.He stripped off his feathers,got some brown paint,and put a pillow on his back.Now,he looked just like any camel he had ever seen.
Well,Ollie survived the first day and the second too.But,on the third,a hunter shot and killed Ollie.
Asked later how he managed to get the old legendary ostrich, the
hunter replied, "He fooled me at first,but it didn't take me
too long to see through his camel flaws."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-20-2003, 05:39 PM:
Rated G
A coin collector was proud of his hugh collection of historic American coins.
One of his favorites was a one penny piece which featured an Iroquois Indian in a feathered headset..
He showed the coin to some friends and was arrested for :
Indian cent exposure.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-21-2003, 07:26 AM:
Rated G Ollie
Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-26-2003, 09:13 PM:
Rated R Lorraine
Zalman comes home from the Yeshiva [school] and asks his father,
"Papa, what's fornication?"
Papa gets embarrassed, and suggests Zalman should ask Mama.
Zalman goes to the kitchen and asks Mama, "Mama, so tell me,
what's fornication?"
Mama says,"Oy, go ask your bubbe [grandma] and she'll tell you."
Zalman goes to Bubbe asking, "Bubbe what's fornication?"
Bubbe says, "Come here, Tatelleh, and I'll show you."
She leads him to her closet, opens the door and takes out a
beautiful gown, saying, "This, Tatelleh, is foranoccasion."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-01-2003, 03:13 PM:
Rated G Michele
I was getting my hair cut at my usual neighborhood shop, and I
asked the barber when would be the best time to bring in my
visiting two-year-old nephew.
Without hesitation, the barber replied, "When he's four."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-03-2003, 03:09 PM:
Rated G
Did you hear about the guy who bought the underground storage room of the bank?
People complained that it was all his vault.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-03-2003, 08:24 PM:
Rated PG B.B.
Little Joshua got a pony for his birthday. One day Joshua went out to the barn and saw that some Blue Jays had built a nest on the horse's back.He called the animal control department and they suggested that Joshua rub some yeast on the pony's back and the birds would disappear.
Joshua did as he was told and, sure enough,the next morning the
birds were gone.
Moral: Yeast is yeast, and nest is nest, and never the mane shall tweet.
[ 12-04-2003, 05:57 AM: Message edited by: Bob Maar ]
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-04-2003, 05:54 AM:
Rated G B.B.
Little Joshua got a pony for his birthday.One day Joshua went out to the barn and saw that some Blue Jays had built a nest on the horse's back.He called the animal control department and they suggested that Joshua rub some yeast on the pony's back and the birds would disappear.
Joshua did as he was told and,sure enough,the next morning the
birds were gone.
Moral: Yeast is yeast, and nest is nest,and never the mane shall tweet.D
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-09-2003, 07:49 AM:
Rated G Lorraine
Long ago there was a kingdom where the King wore a brightly
colored vest instead of a crown. The vest was adorned with all
different colors of berries to make it beautiful.
Maintaining this vest was difficult because it needed freshening
daily. His people would go into the mountains with big nets.
They would throw the nets over the berry bushes, and snare the
fresh berries for the King. The people valued and honored this
vest as the symbol of the throne.
One day the colors on the King's vest were fading badly. The
people were asked to bring in fresh berries, but there were none
to be had. The King looked very bad, so much so that he so he
issued this proclamation: ...:
"A reward will be paid for those who snare enough to mend the berry vest."
Posted by Gordon Bachlund (Member # 124) on 12-16-2003, 06:31 PM:
At Heathrow Airport today, an individual (later discovered to be a public school teacher) was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a compass, a protractor, and a calculator.
Authorities believe he is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement which has struck terror into the lives of many for generations. He was immediately arrested for carrying weapons of math instruction.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-06-2004, 08:16 AM:
Rated G
Two young women went into a furniture store and asked to be
directed to the sofa department.The salesman who greeted them was a chauvinistic good ol' boy who knew that his chances of making a sale were always much better when dealing with a married couple.Still,he reluctantly began showing them the sofas,settees and love seats.
"What we're really looking for is an upholstered footstool that's long and wide," one woman admitted.
"Oh,I might have known," responded the salesman, "but I don't
think either of you are going to be able to find anything like
that.I've always felt a woman can't get a long width ottoman."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-09-2004, 09:09 AM:
Rated G
The confused young man couldn't decide whether to marry Kathryn or Edith.Try as he might,he just could not make up his mind.
Unwilling to give up either,he strung them along for far too
long.This indecision continued until both young women got tired
of the situation and left him for good.
Moral of the story: You can't have your Kate and Edith too!
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-10-2004, 08:38 PM:
Rated G
Tina, the Hollywood agent, was so upset by her inability to find
work for a singer that she began to sob right in front of her.
Her client tried to console her. "Don't cry for me, Agent Tina."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-16-2004, 06:57 AM:
Rated G
Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.
"How was he killed" asked one dectective.
"With a golf gun" replied the other detective.
"A golf gun?! What's a golf gun?"
"I don't know but it sure made a hole in Juan."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-21-2004, 11:21 PM:
Rated G
"With Friends Like These, Who Needs Ememies?"
Bob was telling his friend Joe about his vacation in France. Bob talked about how lovely the Eiffel Tower was, the exquisite works of art at the Louvre, the Notre Dame and of course the beautiful French women.
Joe asked Bob, "Was there anything you didn't like about France?"
"Well", Bob replies, " "there was one thing that was strange about it. In France, anything you eat, anything you drink,even the air that you breathe over there cleans out your colon. I mean, it REALLY cleans your colon out."
So Joe says, "Gee, with France like that, who needs ememas?"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-23-2004, 05:53 AM:
Rated G
Two lobsters were sunbathing on the beach.The lady lobster
suggested that the gentleman lobster to get them an ice cream
each. Having purchased two ice cream cones,Mr. Lobster made his way back to the beach, deciding on the way to eat his ice cream.By the time he has finished the ice cream he realized that his lady friend's ice cream had started to melt all down his claw,so he licked it up and ended up eating it.
When he arrived back at the beach his lady lobster friend
exclaimed,"Where are the ice creams?"
"Well" he said."I decided to eat mine.Then yours melted,so I ate that too."
His lady friend was incensed and cried,"How could you be so
shellfish!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-27-2004, 06:17 AM:
Rated G
After a heavy day's digging at the archeological site in Norway,
researchers uncovered a priceless statue of the ancient Norse
Thunder God. He had bulging muscles and imposing stance, and his
famous giant hammer. But most important of all, the eyes in his
fierce-looking face were made of two giant rubies that glittered
with a brilliant red color.
Of course, the two leading archeologists on the dig were both
determined that they should be the one to have their name listed
on the discovery. Pretty soon, a big argument was underway.
The two provided the others with a great source of amusement for
the evening.By the time they finally gave up and called a truce,
everyone else was feeling quite refreshed by the entertainment. As the crowd dispersed, one junior digger turned to his friend, and said.....
"Well, that was a fight for Thor eyes."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-28-2004, 08:11 AM:
Rated G
One day three fishermen were out in a boat in the Gulf of Mexico.They had not caught a thing all day when suddenly,one of the fishermen's poles started jerking. He grabbed it and started reeling in his line and shouting,"I got something! I got something!"
He had caught a nice fish, about ten inches long.The fishermen were about to revel in his accomplishment when the fish shook the hook out of his mouth and transformed into a being,half man and half fish,sporting a crown and holding a trident.
"Who are you?" said the frightened fisherman who had caught him.
"I AM NEPTUNE,GOD OF THE SEA,AND I AM GOING TO PUT A CURSE ON YOU LOWLY MORTALS! BEFORE YOU LEAVE HERE TODAY YOUR BOAT WILL SPRING A DOZEN LEAKS! ...NO,MAKE THAT A DOZEN AND A HALF!"
And with that,he dove back into the waters. As soon as he was gone,the fishermen's boat had sprung so many leaks they were forced to swim to shore.
To this day,they never forgot Neptune's eighteen-hole Gulf curse.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-28-2004, 08:13 AM:
Rated G
Why is the most intelligent part of your body so intelligent?
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Because it nose.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-28-2004, 08:27 AM:
Rated G
A young lady who had just been dumped by her boyfriend seemed unusually cheerful.
Someone asked her why?
She replied that,sooner or later, time wounds all heels.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-30-2004, 10:15 AM:
Rated G
The customer complained about the outrageous price of a bottle of pickles.
"It isn't the pickles that are expensive,it is the juice.Dill
waters run steep."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-02-2004, 07:56 AM:
Rated G
Test your IQ with the question below:
There is a mute who wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the
action of brushing one's teeth he successfully expresses himself
to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done. Now if there is a
blind man who wishes to buy a pair of sunglasses, how should he
express himself?
Think about it first before scrolling down for the answer....
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He just has to open his mouth and ask, so simple. If you got this wrong please - do not pass go, do not breed, just go dig a hole and hide
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-02-2004, 11:44 AM:
Rated G ![[Eek!]](eek.gif)
A young cook decided that the French would enjoy feasting on
rabbits and decided to raise rabbits in Paris and sell them to
the finer restaurants in the city.He searched all over Paris
seeking a suitable place to raise his rabbits.
None could be found.Finally, an old priest at the cathedral said he could have a small area behind the rectory for his rabbits. He successfully raised a number of them and when he went about Paris selling them,a restaurant owner asked him where he got such fresh rabbits.
The young man replied, "I raise them myself, near the cathedral. Infact,I have a hutch back of Notre Dame."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-02-2004, 11:44 AM:
Rated G
A young cook decided that the French would enjoy feasting on
rabbits and decided to raise rabbits in Paris and sell them to
the finer restaurants in the city.He searched all over Paris
seeking a suitable place to raise his rabbits.
None could be found.Finally, an old priest at the cathedral said he could have a small area behind the rectory for his rabbits. He successfully raised a number of them and when he went about Paris selling them,a restaurant owner asked him where he got such fresh rabbits.
The young man replied, "I raise them myself, near the cathedral. Infact,I have a hutch back of Notre Dame."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-05-2004, 03:22 PM:
Rated G Sue Bee
An acapella group challenged other vocalists to a contest
to see who could best vocalize the works of Sebastian Bach
into mathematical progressions in music.
The contest was billed as the Bach-sing match.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-06-2004, 07:56 AM:
Rated G
A mother firefly was taking her children for a walk near dusk, and they came to a dark woods."All right, kids," she ordered,"line up, and whatever happens,don't shine your light. There are owls in the forest and they might fly down and eat you!"
The small fireflies did as they were told, with the youngest
firefly at the end of the line. As they were moving carefully
along, suddenly the mother saw a light far back.
"Stop!" she whispered. "Who lit the light back there?"
"I did," admitted the youngster.
"You heard what I told you," scolded the mother. "Why did you
disobey?"
"Well," said the little one, "when you gotta glow, you gotta glow."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-06-2004, 12:31 PM:
Rated G Michele
Tina Turner worked on a farm for a while before becoming famous.
She was in charge of chickens and chicken-feed and egg gathering.
Being an intelligent,efficient woman,it wasn't long before she
was bored with her daily routine, and decided to play mental games to keep things interesting.
One of these games involved ranking the hens in order of egg
productivity.The number one hen laid two eggs a day, one in the
morning and one at night,without fail.The second hen laid at
least one a day,sometimes two,and the third rarely laid a second egg.
One morning,Tina noticed that one of the hens seemed to be
infatuated with her.The hen followed Tina around the barnyard
making moon-eyes and ignoring her feed. Being off her feed, the
hen didn't lay.This caused her to drop from number 2 to number 3 in the rankings.
Years later, Tina Turner had the opportunity to ask,in a song,
"What's love got to do with it? What's love but a second hen demotion?"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-05-2004, 08:57 AM:
Rated G
After losing his two watchdogs to a hungry coyote,a sheep farmer obtained two lions and had them rotate their watch standing duties.The next time a coyote tried to have some sheep for dinner,it was devoured by the lion on watch.
When the game warden asked where the coyote was, the farmer
replied, "It's all in the lion of duty."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-09-2004, 11:45 AM:
Rated G
Artifacts are a major portion of an Indian reservation's economy.Annually,thousands of tourists visit reservations and most will not leave without purchasing at least one memento of the traditional Indian culture.
One enterprising Indian was able to outsell his competitors in the sale of wooden dolls by selling them at only a fraction of the cost others had to charge.
Upon examining his dolls, they found that where hard wood was traditionally used, this Indian would use cheap pine on which he glued thin pieces of fine mahogany, thus being able to produce the dolls at only a fraction of the cost.
While he claimed his dolls were still authentic, his competitors complained that they were only... Cheap Sioux Veneers!!!!!
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-16-2004, 09:41 AM:
Rated G
Many people assume that Earl Gray tea got its name by being the favorite of that English earl. However, it seems that there is a small town in Wales named Earl Gray where the town's citizens are getting concerned about the ability of their mayor to continue in office. The incumbent was initially elected in 1972 and she has run unopposed in every election since. Unfortunately, her age now hinders her from getting about. What the citizens are saying is that --
...the Earl Gray mayor, she ain't what she used to be!
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 05-10-2004, 12:56 PM:
Rated G Riddles
What happened in 1961 that won't happen again for 4000 years?
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The years date reads the same when turned upside down. That will not happen again until the year 6009.
Posted by Arthur Allen (Member # 969) on 06-16-2004, 09:09 PM:
Rated PG-13
Can you say that a peeping Tom with glasses has aspects about him?
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 07-20-2004, 11:04 AM:
Rated G
As the man struggled to eliminate the sag in the eaves, some rotted wood gave way underneath him. He fell right through the hole in the roof, but managed to grab the edge of the eaves as he fell, catching himself.
Unfortunately, the sudden weight of the falling man caused the edge of the roof to completely tear loose from the rest of the house, resulting in the man falling twenty feet to the ground and getting pummelled with debris from the collapsed eaves.
A neighbor happened to witness this and hurried over to check on the man. He was alive, but badly hurt.
The paramedics were called and he was taken to the hospital in agony.
The man's injuries were serious enough hat he spent six weeks in the hospital recovering.
On his last day in the hospital, the police arrived and announced that he was under arrest for his activities six weeks earlier.
"What!?" exclaimed the man. "You're going to arrest me for falling off my own roof?"
"Oh no," replied the policeman. "We're arresting you for tearing off the edge of your roof without a permit... That's a clear case of illegal eavesdropping."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 07-28-2004, 10:05 AM:
Rated G
Sherlock Holmes's sister, Ella, was a bit confused--not that she suffered from dementia or anything--she simply was a bit "blonde." She was always getting her two twins confused, even though they were fraternal, not identical, and everyone else could easily tell Patricia from Theresa.
One day Sherlock's sister invited the great detective and his assistant to a piano recital that Patsy was to give the following evening.
When she left, Sherlock's assistant said, rather bewilderedly, to Sherlock, "I didn't know Patsy was studying the piano."
To which Holmes replied,"Ella meant Terry, my dear Watson."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 07-29-2004, 12:02 PM:
Rated G
Some people think that displaying a penchant for puns and wordplay is a form of lysdexia or a sign of dam bramage.
I want you to know that my mind is still as tarp as a shack and firing on all silly-enders.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 07-29-2004, 01:02 PM:
Rated G
The couple left the gynecologist's office with the wife in tears. They were just told that she could never become pregnant. They would never have the family they both desired so fervently.
Suddenly, a masked man appeared before them. "I think I can help you," he said, handing them a card.
"Why are you masked?" the husband asked.
"Because the government has declared our activities illegal. Go to the address on this card. The doctor will take a scraping from your mouth and culture it. In less than a year, we will have your baby for you."
Turning to her husband, the wife exclaimed,"This is the answer to our prayers!" Then she turned back to thank the stranger but he was gone.
"Who was that masked man?" she asked her husband.
He answered, "That was ... the Clone Arranger."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 08-17-2004, 10:34 AM:
Rated G Jersey T
Two sea monsters were swimming around in the ocean, looking for something to do. They came up underneath a ship that was hauling potatoes. Bob, the first sea monster, swam underneath the ship, tipped it over and ate everything on the ship.
A little while later, they came up to another ship, again hauling potatoes. Bob again capsizes the ship and eats everything onboard.
The third ship they found was also hauling potatoes and Bob once again capsized it and ate everything. Finally his buddy Bill asked him, "Why do you keep tipping over those ships full of potatoes and eating everything on board?"
Bob replied, "I wish I hadn't, but I just can't help myself once I start. Everyone knows you can't eat just one potato ship."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-13-2004, 09:07 AM:
Rated G
When the love smitten young man brought back a frosty cold beverage for his true love, she suggested that it may have been a bit rude of him to not bring anything back for his other friends.
He replied, of course, by saying, "My darling, I only have ice for you."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-16-2004, 10:26 AM:
Rated G
A spokesperson for the U.S. Mint announced that a new fifty-cent piece was being issued in order to honor two great American Patroits.
On one side of the coin would be Teddy Roosevelt and on the other side, Nathan Hales.
Asked why two people wond be on the coin, the spokesperson replied: "Now when you toss a coin you can simply call 'Ted's or Hale's'."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-22-2004, 08:51 AM:
Rated G Dennis
A mother pigeon and a baby pigeon were going to fly south for the winter. Trying all types of logic, the mother pigeon is having a difficult time convincing her new baby that he too can fly.
The baby pigeon cried, "I can't make it ... I get too tired."
His mother said, "Don't worry; I'll tie a piece of string to one of your legs and the other end to mine." The baby started to cry. "What's wrong?" said the mother.
"I don't want to be pigeon towed!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-27-2004, 11:47 AM:
Rated G Michele
Most elementary school children will be able to tell you that the first American flag was made by Betsy Ross.
What they are not taught was that she was also a social scientist who developed the techniques now used by Gallop and others.
It started when she asked a group of colonists what they thought of the flag she had made.
This was the origin of ...the flag poll.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-29-2004, 10:31 AM:
Rated G
Rated PG Michele
In the Days of King Arthur, the feast-halls of Camelot were renowned for their multi-course elaborate banquets. Much of the fame was due to the tireless efforts of THL Manuel de la Vega, the great Chatelaine of the castle. He micro-managed almost everything, and with great success; from the folded napkins at each plate to the after-dinner brandy, every banquet was perfect.
He was banned from the kitchen, however, for the Chef was a proud man, and not willing to tolerate "help" from anyone. Still, things were fine.
But one day...
The feast was going well; the antipasto was divine, the fish course was elegant, the cheese went over well, and in short, everything was going swimmingly. The next course was due, and no one was coming out of the kitchen.
Frantic with worry, and not able to go check on the problem, Manuel approached the great Merlin, wizard of the court.
"Merlin, my friend, can you go check on why the delay of the soup?"
And before the Great Merlin could utter a word, Manuel added, "Don't let them see you, or the chef will quit!"
Merlin looked at his friend, and replied: "I can get in there unseen... I will not be able to get back quickly, so I will send you a magic message. Will that be okay?"
Getting a grateful nod from the Chatelaine, Merlin, good friend that he was, turned himself into a blue-bottle fly, and flew to the great kitchen of the keep.
There he saw true chaos, the Maestro of food had let an apprentice watch the next course, and the poor lad failed in his duty!
As far as Merlin could tell, the simple fact was: the chef (or his assistant) had burnt the consommé! Too tired to fly back to the hall, Merlin caused a piece of parchment to appear before his friend, and it said: "To Manny, Cooks spoil the Broth!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-31-2004, 09:25 AM:
Rated G
A research group on sea animals captured a rather odd porpoise on one of its trips.
Its peculiarity was that it had feet. After they had photographed and measured the poor thing,they prepared to set it free.
"Wait a minute" said one of the researchers,wouldn't it be a kindness if our ship's doctor here would amputate the feet so it would be like all the other porpoises?
"Not on your life," exclaimed the doctor,"That would be defeeting the porpoise."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-02-2004, 10:47 AM:
Rated G
The casinos in Las Vegas have something new for the gambler: races between rabbits and rodents.
If you don't want to bet any bunny, you can always baccarat!
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-04-2004, 03:06 PM:
Rated G Michele
There's a scuba diving geologist who has made it his business to measure the relative sizes of the rises, drops, cavities and undulations of coral formations.
Of course this can only be done in the summer months so he takes the winters off to avoid the frigid air.
You may tag him as a frost-free reef ridge rater.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-03-2004, 09:28 AM:
Rated G Michele
In the Bronx, NY, lived a rich cat who was a bit of a snob, though she did begin to chat on occasion with her neighbor, an alley cat. One day, she announced that she was about to have an operation, but she didn't mention what it was for.
Two weeks later, her humble friend saw her again and inquired politely how she was feeling, then dared to ask what kind of operation she had had.
"Oh, I am quite well now, thank you," the rich cat replied, stiffly. "I had a hysterectomy."
"For heaven's sake!" the alley cat exclaimed in exasperation,
"Why can't you call a spayed a spayed?"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-16-2004, 03:24 PM:
Rated G
The farmer didn't like to use a tractor on his small holding. He preferred to have his draft horses pull this plow and wagons. Unfortunately, a group of small birds insisted in forming nests in the horses manes, which prevented him from hitching the reins properly.
The farmer tried every method he could think of to get rid of the pesky birds. He tried lotions, potions, and notions. He kept the stable colder, he kept it warmer. He went to horse doctors, he went to bird specialists. He called his congressman, he called the Dept. of Agriculture. He trimmed the manes as much as he could. He tried loud noises, cat noises, classical music. Nothing would induce the birds to leave his horses alone.
In desperation, he went to an Indian medicine man from a nearby reservation. The medicine man, listening to his story, gave him some vile smelling yeast extract to rub into the manes.
Amazingly, it worked. Within two days, the birds had all fled and the horses were back to work.
The farmer was pleased with this outcome, but puzzled with the methodology. He went back to the medicine man and inquired about how a simple extract of yeast was able to solve a problem that many veterinarians and the Department of Agriculture couldn't.
The medicine man replied, "Simple. Yeast is yeast, and nest is nest, and never the mane shall tweet."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-17-2004, 09:46 AM:
Rated G Michele
My brother is in quite a pickle. He has a serious inner ear problem and needs surgery soon, or he'll lose his hearing in that ear. He doesn't have insurance, though, and of course, the surgery is very expensive.
He has found a solution, though. A local elderly widow has offered to pay for the whole operation, but only if he'll marry her afterwards. But she's fifty years older than him!
You could call this a wife or deaf situation.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-22-2004, 12:20 PM:
Rated G
Mr. Combs had a furniture store, specializing in ornate antiques in the baroque style. He had walking pneumonia last month but was at the store anyway. He was in one of the baroque style chairs rubbing Vicks Vaporub on his aching chest when he serendipitously discovered that the soothing ointment gave the furniture a wonderful, deep, rich shine. He immediately told the other furniture store owners since their furniture was more modern in style and they were not competitors. Soon he got reports that the Vicks treatment not only failed to work on the modern furniture, but ruined some of it.
Mr. Combs is very unpopular now, and his only consolation is that he learned one important rule If it's not baroque, don't Vicks it.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-10-2005, 11:39 AM:
Rated G Chris
The confused young man couldn't decide whether to marry Kathryn or Edith.
Try as he might,he just could not make up his mind.Unwilling to give up either,he strung them along for far too long.
This indecision continued until both young women got tired of the situation and left him for good.
Moral of the story: You can't have your Kate and Edith too!
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-11-2005, 10:37 AM:
Rated G
A man stopped in a small country restaurent for lunch while driving through town. Unfortunately, the place was packed to the limit, and he couldn't find anywhere to sit. He was, however, amazed when one of the waitresses solved his problem by actually folding back one of the long counters, thus creating room for him.
When he remarked on this incredible device, the waitress explained to him that it was a locally developed product made entirely of dried cow pies! "No way!" the man exclaimed.
The waitress was dead serious. "Around here," she said, "we call them closing counters of the turd kind."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-12-2005, 11:18 AM:
Rated G
The famous movie star, Henry Fonda, was making a film in New Orleans years ago and took a liking to the local spirit called absinthe. He drank quite a bit every evening upon completion of the film's daily shooting.
After several weeks of film making (and drinking), Mr. Fonda started having pains in his chest. He was immediately rushed to the local hospital. They took his medical history and gave him a full screening of tests. The diagnosis was that he had an enlarged heart.
Since the condition was a new one and of concern, he queried the attending physician. The doctor responded that his patient shouldn't be surprised about the situation. "Your condition is obvious," the physician told him, "because absinthe makes the heart grow, Fonda."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-14-2005, 10:36 AM:
Rated G Hank in Simi Valley
Here are the 10 first place winners in the International Pun Contest
1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."
2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall The one turns to the other and says, "Dam!".
3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that; you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says "I've lost my electron." The other says "Are you sure?" The first replies "Yes, I'm positive."
5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."
7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of their other son. Her husband responds, "Why, They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
8. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.
9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him ...(Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good)..... A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did????
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-26-2005, 10:13 AM:
Rated G Michele
Jimmy: 'Hey, Mike! How's your new pet fish doing? You told me he was really something special.'
Mike: 'To tell the truth, I'm really disappointed in him. The guy who sold him to me said I could teach him to sing like a bird.'
Jimmy: 'What? Let me get this straight... You bought a fish because you thought you could teach him to sing like a bird?'
Mike: 'Well, yeah. After all, you know, he's a parrot fish.'
Jimmy: 'Now listen, Mike, while you might be able to teach a parrot to sing, you're never going to get anywhere with a parrot fish.'
Mike: 'That's what you think! It just so happens this fish CAN sing. The thing is, he's terribly off-key and it's driving me crazy. Do you know how hard it is to tuna fish?'
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-26-2005, 10:22 AM:
Rated G Michele
We took my sons, ages seven and five, up to Friendship Park for a picnic.
My seven year old read the sign with the playground rules to his brother.
"Do not jump on the merry-go-round when in motion."
"Go down the slide while sitting, only."
"Only one child on a swing at a time."
(There were a good twenty rules.)
The boys promised to obey them if I would let them play without Daddy standing by. So, I joined my wife at the picnic table.
Just before it was time to eat, I went over and watched them play. They were obeying the rules, that is, all but one. On the tall semicircular slide, they were coming down head first!
I took them over to the posted regulations. We read them, again. I asked the boys what they had to say for themselves.
"Oh, don't be silly, Dad...no one uses the slide rule anymore!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-27-2005, 04:08 PM:
Rated G
Percy Shelley was despondent.
After banging out pamphlets and poems, odes and dramas with ease he had suddenly run up against that which all poets fear more than editorial rejection -- writer's block.
No matter how hard he tried, nothing came. Page after page of gibberish went into the basket.
Pacing the streets of Oxford one morning he encountered his good friend, John Keats. Keats was in fine spirits but soon became solicitous when he heard of the poet's plight.
"The very thing happened to me last year," said Keats. "Upon the advice of a friend I visited a small religious retreat, Mount St. Michaela, off the coast of Cornwall. It is run by an order of nuns and there is nothing to do but listen to the surf and the gulls. In no time at all I was afire to put pen to paper."
"Then I shall do it," vowed Shelley, and he hurried off to make arrangements.
Three days later, after a long, dusty and tiring coach ride, he soon arrived in the small coastal village across from the nunnery, and there he hired a skiff to take him over to the island three miles distant.
A wind was coming up and the sun was setting as the fisherman methodically pulled the oars, drawing the boat ever nearer. The waves grew angrier but finally the boat scraped alongside a rock and Shelley jumped ashore.
Scrambling up the stone steps, he made his way to the front door of the convent and pounded on the heavy wood. Soon a small window opened and a young woman peered out.
"I'm Percy Bysshe Shelley, and I've come to stay here awhile. Please let me in," he stated.
"I'm only a novitiate," a small voice answered. "Mother Superior has retired for the night. Only if I have her signature can I allow you admittance."
"But a storm is coming up and the boat has gone back to the village," pleaded the poet. "Surely you can authorize it yourself."
"I'm very sorry," answered the young sister. "You have to wait till the nun signs, Shelley."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-02-2005, 09:40 AM:
Rated G B.B.
A detective who spent his entire career in plain clothes quit the police force and bought a farm.
"What kind of crops do you plan to grow?" the police chief asked the farmer-to-be.
"Carrots and potatoes," the man replied.
"Why carrots and potatoes?" asked the chief.
"Because," answered the ex-detective, . . . "I'm very fond of undercover crops."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-07-2005, 10:00 AM:
Rated G
The cowboy sat on a stool drinking a beer as the Mexican, also dressed in western garb sat next to him. There was a slight nod as they looked at each other.
Soon the cowboy ordered another and bought one for the Mexican also. When their glasses became empty the cowboy bought again. Then a third time the cowboy bought again and the Mexican grinned and spoke something but the bartender never knew what he said.
Then the cowboy seemed to be infuriated and stood up suddenly grawing his gun and shot the Mexican dead...
At the cowboy's hearing the judge the judge asked the cowboy, "Why did you suddenly become enraged for no apparent reason and shoot this individual dead?"
"Well, the cowboy explained, I tried to be friendly and he began calling me names and insulting me for no reason and finally I got mad."
"What names did he call you that made you so mad that you wanted to kill him?" asked the Judge.
"Well, answered the cowboy, three times I bought him a drink, and each time he grinned in my face and called me Grassy Ass..."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-10-2005, 11:23 AM:
Rated G B.B.
Passover is approaching. At the sedar table, every Jewish child will be retold the story of Moses and the Pharoah, and how God brought boils, locusts, hail and the other plagues onto the Egyptians. Yet in spite of this overwhelming evidence of God's intentions, Pharoah refused to let the Jews go, until a tenth plague, the death of the first-born children was inflicted on every Egyptian home, passing over the Jewish homes. Only after this tragedy did the Pharoah relent and let the Jews leave slavery and Egypt to begin their journey to the promised land.
This has been known for generations. What has not been known is why the Pharoah, in the face of such overwhelming evidence would refuse to release the Jews after the first nine plagues. It took eight years of research by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, the renouned psychologist and nurse, to find the definitive answer. Dr. Kubler- Ross spent those years studying the Dead Sea Scrolls before discovering the answer. And once found, it was obvious.....The Pharoah was still in de Nile.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-12-2005, 06:13 AM:
Rated G
All the monks in a certain monastery sing the simple word "Morning!" from their windows each sunrise. Early one day after several "Morning!" greetings have been sung melodiously into the dawn air, a single greeting of "Evening!" rings out of one window.
In the courtyard below, Brother Timothy looks around startled, and says, "Did you hear that, Brother Edward?"
"Hear what, Brother Timothy?" replied Brother Edward.
Brother Timothy sang in reply: "Someone chanted evening..."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-12-2005, 06:27 AM:
Rated G
There was a man who owned some water front property in South Carolina. He was very happy with his property until he realized the there was a manatee that constantly swam in the waters that were "his".
This became more and more irksome to the man, until he could stand it no longer. At last he resolved to rid himself of the troublesome creature. Calling to it he said "hey, what's your name?"
"Hugh," came the reply, as Hugh obligingly swam over to the man. At this point the man grabbed Hugh and began to beat him viscously. The police were called and the man arrested.
When the case came to trial, his lawyer argued it should be thrown out of court - since assault against a marine mammal was not an offense.
The judge overruled this argument. "Clearly," he said, "this is a crime against Hugh manatee."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-22-2005, 12:43 PM:
Rated G
Two Chinese brothers named Hing and Ming were devoted to the search for ultimate wisdom; however, each differed greatly about how such wisdom was to be obtained. Being a rural family, they were farmers.
One day, their pet chicken fell ill, began to molt, and soon lost all its feathers. The brothers decided that this would be an ideal test case and agreed to each spend two months trying to cure the chicken.
Hing immediately went back to the university. Having studied ornithology and traditional Chinese medicine, he decided that the answer to the chicken's illness was a prescription of gum-tree leaf tea.
He gathered bushels of the tea leaves, brewed gallons of the tea and poured it into the chicken's mouth for two months. Each day he prepared the tea leaves according to different recipes, and put Ming up with dozens of courses for the sick chicken.
Meanwhile, Ming traveled all around China, praying at the shrines of his ancestors. One night he had a dream. His ancestors appeared and told him to feed the chicken tea made from gum-tree leaves. Ming, aware of his brother's lack of success in this same venture, decided that the problem had to be quantity.
Ming trusted his ancestors; after all, his family had always given him sound advice. He gathered whole carloads of leaves and brewed barrels of the tea and poured them into the chicken's mouth for two months, all the time extolling the virtues and honor of his family's ancestors and spiritual goodness.
Unfortunately, after two months of treatment, the chicken was still sick and naked as a bowling ball. Apparently, all of Hing's courses and all of Ming's kin, couldn't made gum tea refeather a hen.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-09-2005, 10:04 AM:
Rated G
Back during the days of expansion to the west, people traveled by stagecoach. This was not a particularly comfortable way to go, with the bumpy paths and crowded seats. However, there wasn't much choice.
Being in business to make money, the operators of these stagecoaches tried to think of various ways to increase revenue on each trip. People were willing to pay not only to ride out west, but they were willing to pay to ship things to friends and relatives who had already relocated.
Of course, passengers were the most lucrative. So it follows that the more people you could transport on each trip, the more money the company made.
With that in mind, these companies began restricting passengers to being under a certain weight, in order to fit three people in a seat instead of only two. Not only was this extremely uncomfortable for the travelers, but it became obvious to those wishing to relocate that there would be no west for the reary.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-16-2005, 11:04 AM:
Rated G
In Washington D.C., helicopters are often used to monitor the traffic conditions.
Frequently jammed, is the Francis Scott Key bridge, named after the man who wrote the national anthem. The bridge's traffic problem is notorious.
Among some, it's known as the. . ."Car Strangled Spanner."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-18-2005, 09:48 AM:
Rated G
Lura, the Countess of Killarney, was on a world tour with her husband, the Count. They were staying at an Intourist hotel on the edge of the Ural Mountains and were scheduled to begin an escorted horseback tour of the area early the next morning.
Lura had developed a good tan a month earlier on the beach at Nice, but now she noticed that it was beginning to fade. Not having anything scheduled after lunch, she took a blanket and wandered off in search of a secluded spot where she could touch up the tan a bit.
Unfortunately, Lura failed to realize that at high attitudes the rays of the sun were much more damaging than at sea level. Even worse, she fell asleep. She awoke, feeling rather uncomfortable. Dressing gingerly, she limped back to the hotel to have her husband assess the damages and the prospects for the morrow.
After one look he delivered his verdict: .... "Tour all Ural, Lura? Too raw, Lura. Lie."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-27-2005, 06:57 AM:
Rated G
I have a dog that talks in its sleep. One day a visitor was astonished to hear the dog bellow, "My name is Christopher Columbus! I am seven hundred years old! I own America and I married Marilyn Monroe!"
When the visitor asked what was going on, I replied, "Don't worry about it. It's better to just let sleeping dogs lie."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-14-2005, 04:59 PM:
Rated G
My stylish, younger sister-in-law was looking on her upcoming tenth-anniversary cruise to the Caribbean with mixed feelings.
The thought of all those sumptuous buffets and irresistible desserts might prove too tempting.
However, my more down-to-earth husband was able to provide a different perspective. He told her that if they hit rough seas, she might just have her cake and heave it too!
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-15-2005, 02:00 PM:
Rated G
A couple decide to go for a meal on their anniversary and after some deliberation decide on their local Chinese restaurant. They peruse the menu and finally agree to share the chef's special chicken surprise.
The waiter brings over the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot. Just as the wife is about to start in on the meal, the lid of the pot rises a tiny amount and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.
'Oh my God, did you see that?' she asks her husband. He hasn't so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and again he sees two beady little eyes looking around before it firmly slams back down.
Rather perturbed he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening and demands an explanation.
'Well sir', says the waiter, 'What did you order?'
'We both chose the same', he replies, 'the chicken surprise.'
'Oh I do apologise, this is my fault' says the waiter... 'I've brought you the Peking duck'.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-15-2005, 02:01 PM:
Rated G
Our family has had many happy camping trips together. Trips to New York, to Florida, out west, all over the country.
There was one January trip, however, that will always be indelibly imprinted upon our memories. We had purchased some very inexpensive camping gear and everything that could go wrong with it, did.
It was the winter of our discount tent.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-28-2005, 10:32 AM:
Rated G
Wolff Kissinger was a spy. He was the bane of the Nazis during the war, for although they sought him everywhere, they were never able to lay a hand, bullet or poisoned dart on him. The reason was that Wolff was a master of disguise.
Once he was an old flower woman, calling out her posies in a quavery voice. Then her bouquet exploded with a deadly cloud and Kissinger's opposite number lay still in the street.
Wolff and his disguises ran the gamut from Oriental merchant to English squire to Portuguese sailor to African tribesman. There was no role he could not play to perfection. His makeup was wondrous and his flair for dialect gifted.
Meanwhile, back at Berlin HQ, the top brass of German Intelligence met to see if they could set an unbeatable trap for the Allies' most valuable undercover agent. Despite their brilliance they had no idea at all what guise their quarry would affect next. What was the point when he might just as easily be a Rommel aide or Mussolini's second in command.
Sighed one of the Nazi leaders as the vexing problem was pondered, "I wonder who's Kissinger now?"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 05-09-2005, 10:50 AM:
Rated G Quirk
Do you know the difference between a pun and a fart?
A pun is a sudden shift of wit!
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 05-20-2005, 10:57 AM:
Rated G B.B.
They arrested some 200 visitors for ignoring the "Don't feed the birds sign."
The charge was contributing to the delicacy of a mynah.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-16-2005, 01:29 PM:
Rated G Lulu
Dora Evans made a nice living running her mobile concession truck. She would find out where the local movie company was shooting on location and park her truck, which she called simply “The Box”, near-by.
Technicians and actors alike would stop by for some pastry and coffee during breaks from shooting. This was the day that the director was shooting the most important scene in the movie. In this scene the lovers walking along a deserted beach decide to break off their relationship and return to their respective spouses to live the rest of their lives with only the memory of their short interlude to comfort them in the years ahead.
He had shot the scene several times in order to insure that he had obtained the most dramatic effect. That evening, on reviewing the daily takes, he was shocked to find every take was spoiled. As the stars were talking, the camera swept around the surrounding loneliness of the empty beach. But in every take, there was the concession truck with several people enjoying its wares.
He immediately called his cinematographer and shouted angerly, “I told you never to ... pan Dora’s Box.”
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-25-2005, 06:28 AM:
Rated G
Our fax machine uses a roll of paper and therefore gives a curled output, annoying because it's difficult to handle.As I took another sheet from the machine,I muttered something about the inconvenience of the curled copy.
Yes, a nearby co-worker noted,one should always get one's fax straight.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-25-2005, 12:14 PM:
Rated G
There's a scuba diving geologist who has made it his business to measure the relative sizes of the rises, drops, cavities and undulations of coral formations. Of course this can only be done in the summer months so he takes the winters off to avoid the frigid air.
You may tag him as a 'frost-free reef ridge rater'.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 07-07-2005, 11:11 AM:
Rated G anon e. mouse
A creature rose up out of the surf and came ashore.
Its garments were made of green sea lettuce. "I am the friendly Witch of the Sand," she said, " I am only going to sunbathe."
The sun was terribly hot. Her skin began to bake and it turned as red as a ripe tomato!
Have you ever seen ... a baking lettuce and tomato Sand Witch?
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 07-08-2005, 02:24 PM:
Rated G
To make sure the newspaper got out in time, the management made sure that the folks working the overnight shift were fed. After all, at the time, there weren't any all night diners open in the town.
To get around this, the company provided trays of sandwich fixings and snacks for the city desk reporters and staff.
One morning, as he was just getting ready to start on his last article, a hungry editor turned to a reporter and asked if there was any food left.
"Yeah, I think there's a piece of cake left, but it's not for you."
"Why not?" asked the editor.
"Because you can't have your cake and edit, too!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 08-01-2005, 05:25 PM:
Rated G B.B.
A mother firefly was taking her children for a walk near dusk, and they came to a dark woods. "All right, kids," she ordered, "line up, and whatever happens, don't shine your light. There are owls in the forest and they might fly down and eat you!"
The small fireflies did as they were told, with the youngest firefly at the end of the line. As they were moving carefully along, suddenly the mother saw a light far back.
"Stop!" she whispered. "Who lit the light back there?"
"I did," admitted the youngster.
"You heard what I told you," scolded the mother. "Why did you disobey?"
"Well," said the little one, "when you gotta glow, you gotta glow."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 08-01-2005, 05:26 PM:
Rated G
One day, the president of the United States was sitting in the Oval Office reading a newspaper to catch on that day's current events. All of a sudden, one of his secret service men burst through the door with a long bull whip in his hand. The president looks at him and thinks, "OK!", but tries to ignore him, thinking it's some kind of gag.
The secret service man then begans to take that bull whip and begins "cracking" it, and walking around the president's desk. The president looks up and asks him what he's doing, but the secret service agent ignores him and goes, "Uh, hum" but keeps cracking the whip as he walks around the presidents desk.
The president gets enough and yells at the secret service agent, "BY EXECUTIVE ORDER, I DEMAND YOU TELL ME WHAT YOU'RE DOING!"
The secret service agent sheepishly looks up at him and says, "Sir, I'm just beating around the Bush!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 08-12-2005, 01:56 PM:
Rated G
Medevival Pun.
Once upon a time an evil king captured a virgin princess and held her captive in his high tower.
Though she was very beautiful he forced her to wear a disgusting and smelly burlap dress.
"You'll never get away with this," she cried. "Some brave knight will rescue me!"
"Not in that old, dirty thing," the evil king replied.
She waited day and night, but it none came to rescue her, just as the king predicted.
Every knight that saw her in the window of the high tower was scared away by her disgustingly dirty dress.
After many months the princess broke down crying and the evil king taunted her,
"You see? I told you no knight would rescue a damsel in this dress!"
Posted by Arthur Allen (Member # 969) on 08-14-2005, 10:11 PM:
Rated G
Why do electrical engineers bother to use Ohms in their circuits? Everyone knows resistance is useless.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 08-16-2005, 07:04 PM:
Rated G
A director is screen testing Sylvestor Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger for a new film about classic composers. Not having figured out who to give which part to, he asks Sly who he would like to be.
Stallone says "I like Mozart. I want to be Mozart"
So the Director says, "Very well, you can be Mozart" Then he turns to Arnie and says "Arnie, who would you like to play ?"
And Arnie says "Ah'll be Bach!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 08-17-2005, 03:38 PM:
Rated G
This man walked into a Fifth Avenue bank and said to the guard, "Pardon me. I'd like to talk with the fella that arranges loans.
The guard replied, "I'm sorry but the loan arranger is out to lunch."
"In that case," the man said, "I'd like to talk to Tonto!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-11-2005, 09:50 PM:
Rated G
Some chuckles/puns
1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony
wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but
don't start anything."
3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A
beer please, and one for the road."
6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste
funny to you?"
7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'"
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
"Is it common?"
" Well, It's Not Unusual."
8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly,
"I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I d on't believe you," says
Dolly "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.
9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to
look at either.
10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find
any.
12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted,
"Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"
13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.
14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
15. Two termites walk into a bar. One asks, "Is the bar tender here?"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-17-2005, 02:41 PM:
Rated G
Medevival Pun.
Once upon a time an evil king captured a virgin princess and held her captive in his high tower.
Though she was very beautiful he forced her to wear a disgusting and smelly burlap dress.
"You'll never get away with this," she cried. "Some brave knight will rescue me!"
"Not in that old, dirty thing," the evil king replied.
She waited day and night, but it none came to rescue her, just as the king predicted.Every knight that saw her in the window of the high tower was scared away by her disgustingly dirty dress.
After many months the princess broke down crying and the evil king taunted her,"You see? I told you no knight would rescue a damsel in this dress!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-24-2005, 04:53 PM:
Rated G
If a women changed her sex, what would her religion be?
She would be a he-then.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-26-2005, 07:32 AM:
Rated G
My brother and his wife stopped at the grocery store to pick up thyme and honey.
As they approached the checkout, it occurred to Jasmine that she might be short of cash.
"Don't worry," my brother was quick to reassure her. "If you have the honey money, I've got the thyme."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-06-2005, 09:30 AM:
Rated G
The Constitution
The Founding Fathers were sitting around a table sometime in 1776, working on the constitution. It had been a long day when Thomas Jefferson said, "Whew! It's getting rather warm in here, isn't it?"
Ben Franklin replied, "Shall I open the window?"
"No, that's alright. I'll just take off my jacket, and roll up my sleeves."
"Hey, that's a good idea. Why don't we include that in the constitution?"
"What? That we're allowed to take our jackets off and roll up our sleeves while at work?"
"Yeah, but that doesn't sound very smooth. How about 'Everyone shall have the right to bare arms?'"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-10-2005, 10:34 AM:
Rated G
There was a crowd of bees flying around one day. These bees were most peculiar. They were powered by gasoline, rather than the allergenic goodies that bees usually eat. As the crowd flew along, periodically a bee or two would start to sputter; it would fly down to a gas station, drink up the gas spilled in fueling a car, and then fly up and rejoin the crowd.
One bee began to sputter a little, but flew right by an open gas station. As he passed the second station, he coughing badly, but still he flew on. Finally, as he was on his last fumes, he dove down to a station and gassed up.
When he rejoined the crowd, his neighbor challenged him:
"Look, you passed right by an open station when you started to get low. You passed another station when you were perilously low. And finally, you ran out of gas just in time to glide into that last station. Are you crazy?"
He replied, "Well, it's like this. The first station was a Gulf station. I really don't like Gulf at all. The second station was a Texaco station. That's even worse. But the third station was an Esso station. Let me tell you, Esso is my brand of gasoline. You know what they say don't you? ...
There's an Esso Bee in every crowd!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-11-2005, 07:47 AM:
Rated G
Peter and Alfred Nussbaum were tailors and partners in the firm Nussbaum Brothers; and after many years they decided to Anglicize their names and henceforth the firm should be known as the Nuss Brothers.
After completing the legal paperwork, they informed the receptionist, Ethel, that from Monday on, she should answer the phone as "Nuss Brothers."
"I quit," said Ethel.
"But why?", asked Peter, "the pay and benefits will be the same!"
"Yeah? Well YOU answer the phone then. I don't want to answer and find that the caller says he wants to speak with Mr. Nuss. Then I have to say "Yes Sir; which one? P-Nuss or A-Nuss?"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-13-2005, 01:09 PM:
Rated G
Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea - one called Justin and the other called Christian.
The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that patrolled the area. Finally one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm bored and frustrated at being a prawn, I wish I was a shark, then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten..."
As Justin had his mind firmly on becoming a predator, a mysterious cod appears and says, "Your wish is granted", and lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark.
Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.
Time went on (as it invariably does...) and Justin found himself becoming bored and lonely as a shark. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them.
Justin didn't realise that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.
While out swimming alone one day he sees the mysterious cod again and can't believe his luck. Justin figured that the fish could change him back into a prawn.
He begs the cod to change him back so, lo and behold, he is turned back into a prawn.
With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes, Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail.
Looking around the gathering at the reef, he searched for his old pal.
"Where's Christian?" he asked.
"He's at home, distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy and became a shark", came the reply.
Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian's house.
As he opened the coral gate the memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted, "It's me, Justin, your old
friend, come out and see me again.
"Christian replied "No way man, you'll eat me.
You're a shark, the enemy and I'll not be tricked".
"Justin cried back "No, I'm not. That was the old me.I've changed."..."I've found Cod. I'm a prawn again Christian.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-14-2005, 09:02 AM:
Rated G
A wealthy man had a falling out with his two sons. It was serious enough that he decided to change his will.
At his lawyer's office, he threw his will on the table and said, "This needs an heircut."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-21-2005, 12:13 PM:
Rated G
John Wayne Museum
A show business museum in Hollywood is presenting an exhibit on the career of the late and great actor John Wayne. One of the featured items is a pair of yellowy-brownish colored gravestones bearing his name, date of birth, and the titles of his most memorable movies.
The museum has decided to call the exhibit... "The Amber Graves of Wayne."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-04-2005, 12:34 PM:
Rated G JT
It is a tale of tight times in the military. Because of excessive budget constraints, the military housing shortage was very, very severe. It was so terrible that the troops were forced to domicile themselves in the large kitchen pots frequently used for making gelatin desserts. How did the drill sergeant respond to the recruit that complained about the situation?
"We all live in a Jello-Tub, Marine."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-04-2005, 12:36 PM:
Rated G JT
The FBI and the DEA are joining efforts and will be assigning some of their agents to a quasi-FBI/DEA enforcement team specifically targeting the illegal allergy pills sales that occur on the black market.
The agents will be called "Pseudo Feds."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-07-2005, 06:52 AM:
Rated G
A man and his wife are sitting at the kitchen table, which is next to the window. The man's name is Rudolph, and since he is Russian, people call him "Rudolph the Red."
Rudolph looked out the window and said to his wife, "Oh look honey, it's raining outside."
She looks out as well and says, "No, I think that is snow."
He looks at her and says, "Rudolph the red knows rain dear."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-11-2005, 07:39 AM:
Rated G
- EVER WONDER
-
- Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
-
- Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
-
- Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
-
- Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
-
- Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
-
- Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on "Start"?
-
- Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid
- made with real lemons?
-
- Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
-
- Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
-
- Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
-
- When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
-
- Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
-
- Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
-
- You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why
- don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?
-
- Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
-
- Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
-
- If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
-
- If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-13-2005, 03:02 PM:
Rated G
A bee farm was started by a man who wanted to keep buzzy.
A Redneck farmer first used a duck as an alarm clock – it woke him up at the quack of dawn.
A Filipino man was hired by the circus as a contortionist – he was the first Manila folder.
A slab of stone was discovered with a multiplication problem carved on it – it was the first concrete example.
A special pail was invented for electric milking machines because one good urn deserves an udder.
A woman invented a glass diaphragm because she wanted a womb with a view.
An artist invented the traverse rod because he wanted to draw drapes.
At the first Arabian Embassy ball, everyone danced sheik-to-sheik.
At the first convention of mathematicians, everyone sat around multiplication tables.
At the first flea circus, a dog came by and stole the show.
At the first Kentucky Derby, the announcer told everyone that “Poison Ivy” was scratched.
A&W opened the first drive-in restaurant for people who wanted to curb their appetites.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-14-2005, 10:58 AM:
Rated G
Barbed wire was first used for de fence.
Before John Campbell invented lubricating oil, he was just squeaking by.
Before thimbles were invented, a lot of people got stuck without one.
Candles were first used on a birthday cake for people who wanted to make light of their age.
Cavewoman’s first words to her husband: “Don’t just stand there – slay something!”
Clothes hampers first became popular with people who wanted to throw in the towel.
Comment from the first photofinisher: “Someday my prints will come.”
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-14-2005, 11:01 AM:
Rated G
Dental floss was invented in 1938 – that’s the tooth!
During the first labour dispute, a non-union laundry worker said, “Let’s iron while the strike is hot.”
Eve asked Adam to start the first garden – the first thing he dug up was an excuse.
Eve was the first person to eat herself out of house and home.
First poultry reprimand: a woman had to scold her chickens because they were using fowl language.
General Custer was the first man to wear an arrow shirt.
Graduates of the first dog-training school were awarded a barkalaureate degree.
Gum was first sold on a chew-chew train.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-14-2005, 11:04 AM:
Rated G
In 1621 a Plymouth band began playing because they wanted to see Plymouth Rock.
In 1634 the first twins were born in America on a two’s day.
In 1640 the first calendar was produced – everyone knew its days were numbered.
In 1803 the first chimney sweep was hired and everyone said, “Soot yourself!”
In 1806 liquor was first made in the U.S. – it soon went into mash production.
In 1841 the first suspenders were made, but the company was held up.
In 1865 Canada sold the U.S. a herd of 40,000 bison. Then America received a buffalo bill.
In 1868 the first dressmaker’s shop opened – it seemed to do very well.
In 1869 walnuts were first introduced to America – some thought they weren’t all they were cracked up to be.
In 1883 the first bakery opened on the yeast coast.
In 1888 chains were made for pocket watches – for people who couldn’t afford to lost time.
In 1889 the first lighter-than-air craft departed on its maiden voyage – everyone thought it was a lot of balloony.
In 1892 a shipment of fruit was delivered by boat – it was the first water-mailin’.
In 1898 the first submarine sandwich was introduced, but the company went under.
In 1905 the formula for rouge was reddy.
In 1909 rodent traps were invented with hope that a lot of people would gopher them.
In 1909 the first magician appeared on stage – he was so bad, he made the audience disappear.
In 1911 the first radical engine was marketed – the inventor said, “Diesel be very good.”
In 1911 the first pill to cure headaches was introduced, but people found it hard to swallow.
In 1912 the first ceramic coffee mug was invented by a couple of guys – everyone said they made a nice cupple.
In 1913 valentine-shaped candy boxes were made for sweet hearts.
In 1914 the Panama Canal locks opened, but they forgot the cream cheese.
In 1915 pancake makeup was invented, but most people still preferred syrup.
In 1920 the branding iron was invented – the cattle were really impressed.
In 1924 Thomas Jack, an Englishman, invented the automated packaging machine – he was known as Jack the Wrapper.
In 1925 card playing reached the pinochle of success.
In 1931 the first shipment of hot dogs to the U.S. arrived from France – to pay off a foreign debt of 3 million francs.
In 1932 a banana-skin briefcase was made – for lawyers who wanted to appeal their cases.
In 1933 card playing was first banned aboard naval vessels – ships lost their decks.
In 1935 the first greyhound raced behind a restaurant – the biggest bet was made by a man with a hot dog.
In 1945 the first all-white Dalmation dog was spotted.
In 1948 the first dentist was hired by the National League to put on baseball caps.
In 1949 the first tightrope walker was hired by a circus – he was high-strung.
In 1951 vegetable farmers from all over the world held a meeting – it was the first peas conference.
In 1958 two men invented the radial tire – everyone said they made a nice spare.
In 1961 the skateboard was invented – it was a wheely good idea.
In 1968 pantsuits for women became fashionable, but ladies tried to skirt the issue.
In the first sheep farm in America, sheep stood wool-to-wool.
Irving Berlin’s song about Easter bonnets became number one on the hat parade.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-14-2005, 11:06 AM:
Rated G
Knitted sox were first used for hand warmers, but they went down to defeat.
Metal dog leashes were first sold only in chain stores.
Mustard was first invented in a Miami apartment. It was the first condimentium.
New book on cloning: “Duet Yourself.”
New magazine for beginning gardeners: “Trowel and Error.”
Outcome of the first clothing manufacturer strike: filing of a doubled-breasted suit against the government.
People who bought the first books on lawn care became good weeders.
Result of the first silkworm race: they ended up in a tie.
Retreads were first made for people who wanted to retire.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-14-2005, 11:15 AM:
Rated G
Sandals were invented by a man who thought the show must go on.
Sandpaper was patented in 1834 – the inventor really had it rough.
Since the straight pin was invented, many people have gotten stuck up.
Soda pop was first bottled in Pensa Cola.
Someone set the first automobile commercial to music and created the first car tune.
The dentist’s first gold tooth is called a flash in the pan.
The dye-makers’ convention held their first meeting in a tint.
The electric shaver was invented by a man who worked on it since he was a little shaver.
The first 40,000-story building opened in Brookline, Massachusetts – it was a library.
The first accountant to be hired by a circus was caught juggling the books.
The first airplane hangar was built for drip-dry planes.
The first airplane pilot’s license was made of fly paper.
The first alarm clock caused everyone to tock about it.
The first all-night bakery was run by a real dough nut.
The first archery contestant won by an arrow margin.
The first army dental unit had a good drill team.
The first art contest winners were chosen by a drawing.
The first artificial fish was the plastic sturgeon.
The first attorney wore a civil suit.
The first Australian beer was made out of kangaroo hops.
The first baby cookie was crying because his mother had been a wafer so long.
The first bad seafood salad was shrimp-ly awful.
The first bank without tellers was opened for people who believed that money talks.
The first barber shop was hair-conditioned.
The first bed bugs were brought to the Wild West by Buffalo Bill Cootie.
The first bird to fall into a can of varnish drowned, but it had a beautiful finish.
The first boat show had a yacht to offer.
The first book on wines was titled “Booze Who.”
The first building for optometrists became a site for sore eyes.
The first caddy used in golf was a tee totaller.
The first carpenter’s banquet served pound cake.
The first chair was made especially for royalty, but it was throne out.
The first Chinese lumberjack cut down trees with chop sticks.
The first Chinese mail delivery was made by boat – it delivered only junk mail.
The first clockmaker made a clock to make him rise and chime.
The first college marriage course was offered to give people a good wed-ucation.
The first conductor of the Boston Pops orchestra hired an assistant – the first band-aide.
The first cooking oil was bottled on Fry Day.
The first corn auction gave us auction-ears.
The first course for department-store Santa Clauses taught St. Nick knacks.
The first dancing school had waltz-to-waltz carpeting.
The first dentist had a tooth that drove him to extraction.
The first dentist to open an office in the Wild West was called a gum-slinger.
The first dentists’ banquet was held in 1927 – it was a $100 plate dinner: $50 for the upper and $50 for the lower.
The first diet was for people who were thick and tired of it all.
The first dock was built by a man who was liked by his pier group.
The first dog kennels were rented on a twenty-year leash.
The first dog obedience school had a large barking lot.
The first economics professor rode to class each day in a business cycle.
The first electrician studied current events.
The first exterminating company opened on a fly day.
The first firefly to fly into a fan was absolutely delighted.
The first flea market started from scratch.
The first formal affair for dentists was held at a gum ball.
The first frog-jumping contest was everybody hoppy.
The first garden tool repair shop allowed the inventor to make mower money.
The first golf assistant was called a “Tee Caddy.”
The first haunted house was opened to the public – it had 20 scream doors.
The first hill-climbing contest was held for slope pokes.
The first horse motel was opened to provide animals with a stable environment.
The first Hungarian religious leader was found to be a Buddha pest.
The first illuminated golf course was opened for people who liked swinging nightclubs.
The first inspection of lobster catches was made by a claw-enforcement agency.
The first janitor’s union called for sweeping reforms.
The first king was crowned in a reign coat.
The first kitten that fell into a Xerox machine became a copycat.
The first laundryman was neurotic – he kept losing his buttons.
The first leather belt cost 90 cents – less than a buckle.
The first library was opened in Booklyn.
The first lubricant for wheels was caster oil.
The first macaroni factory in Chicago had to pasta inspection.
The first mail delivery by steamboat was authorized – it carried coast cards.
The first mail was delivered by dog sled – it arrived airedale spaniel delivery.
The first man to jump off the Eiffel Tower and land in the river was declared in Seine.
The first manufacturers of percussion instruments had to drum up business.
The first manufacturers of sugar had to take their lumps.
The first marble sculpture involved chip work.
The first marriage performed aboard a plane was a double-wing ceremony.
The first maternity ward was opened for people interested in the stork market.
The first merger of two fruit companies resulted in a perfect pear.
The first munitions manufacturer conference was a real blast.
The first music score was Beethoven: 7, Bach: 3.
The first musicians’ convention was held in Boston – it was well-staffed.
The first mythology exhibit was featured in a circus – it got centaur ring.
The first nudist convention received little coverage.
The first oboe music was printed for people who couldn’t reed.
The first official count of the U.S. population was made in 1790 – it made a lot of census.
The first optometry school put all its students in glass rooms.
The first orchestra was formed in Massachusetts, but it was band in Boston.
The first order of Chinese food to the White House weighed won ton.
The first pencil was thought to be pointless.
The first penny restaurant made lots of cents.
The first person in the monogram business achieved initial success.
The first person to have hard luck while gambling had to abandon chip.
The first person to stop playing in the handbell marathon won the No-Bell Piece Prize.
The first pig taken in a pawnshop was called a ham hock.
The first pocket-sized tape recorder was manufactured for people who liked small talk.
The first popcorn machine was invented by a Kentucky kernel.
The first postmaster got his job by stamping his feet.
The first price raise of sugar resulted in grocers raising cane.
The first prisoner’s play resulted in a cell-out.
The first railroad ran trains to Washington, D.C., so politicians could get on the right track.
The first recipe for beer was written as a brew-print.
The first restaurant to serve women only featured “Miss Steaks.
”
The first rubber man to join the circus got bounced.
The first saddle was made without foot pieces, but people thought it might stirrup trouble.
The first sardine factory ended up canning all its employees.
The first savings bank opened for guys and dollars.
The first school was a classy place.
The first séance was conducted and publicized by a spooksman.
The first shipment of pigs to Chicago were kept in a porking lot.
The first shoemaker who opened his shop had a lot of sole.
The first short dresses were called ‘dogs’ because you could peek-on-knees.
The first soft drink in Australia: Coca-Koala.
The first soldier to hide inside a cannon to avoid guard duty was finally discharged.
The first straw hats had their hay day.
The first sunbather was a fry in the ointment.
The first switchboard operator didn’t like her job but she kept plugging away at it.
The first tailor shop to offer credit gave everything on the cuff.
The first tavern to open in Alaska was a polar bar.
The first telephone conversation was only eighteen feet apart – it was a close call.
The first thermometer was manufactured by a man with many degrees.
The first tree-climbing contest was held for those who wanted to limber up.
The first turkey farm had a gobblestone driveway.
The first use of shellac wasn’t successful, and it soon varnished from sight.
The first Venetian blinds were made by shady characters.
The first whitener for clothes was used in Miami Bleach.
The first wig for men brought about people who didn’t want
toupee bald.
The first wigs imported from the Orient came by hair mail.
The first woman sworn into the navy became a permanent Wave.
The first wrought-iron gate was made by a worker who called it very fency.
The guy who invented the circular saw wanted to take a shortcut.
The invention of cardboard belts led to the first waist paper.
The invention of the coffee percolator gave us grounds for celebration.
The inventor of lighter fluid became flamous.
The inventor of rubber gloves thought they came in very handy.
The inventor of the auto muffler said it was exhausting work.
The inventor of the lighthouse celebrated the occasion with beacon and eggs.
The inventor of the recliner got a chair of the profits.
The inventor of the relief map got a raise.
The inventor of the rocket went out to launch.
The inventor of the safety pin in 1849 wasn’t too successful at first, but he stuck to his work.
The inventor of tweezers thought that they would do in a pinch.
The largest candle in the world burned for a wick.
The lumberjack union was formed by a splinter group.
The man who got the first music patent got it for a song.
The man who invented rope built a huge hempire.
The man who invented the boomerang tried for a comeback.
The man who invented the football got a kick out of it.
The man who invented velvet made a nice pile.
The waffle iron was invented for people who had wrinkled waffles.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-14-2005, 11:20 AM:
Rated G
Waldo Graham holds the patent for artificial teeth – they were known as Graham clackers.
When adding machines were first used, they were so successful that they began to multiply.
When Boston began a cleanup campaign in 1946, it was the first grime wave.
When bread was first made commercially, everyone fell in loaf with it.
When chicken broth was first canned, everyone thought it was souper.
When cows were first shipped by raft, they travelled on cattle-logs.
When dynamite was first made, it did a booming business.
When electricity was first installed in an English castle, it marked the beginning of the first knight-light.
When hair dye was first packaged for home use, it really got to the root of the problem.
When hair rollers were invented, boys couldn’t use them – they were only for curls.
When laundry owners held their first convention, they sat on bleachers.
When margarine was invented, people said it was butter than nothing.
When metal bus tokens were first made, they were only worth tin cents.
When metal license plates were first distributed, many people tagged along.
When nylon stockings were first sold in the 1930’s, there was a run on them.
When peanuts were firsts packaged, the inventor hoped that they would shell fast.
When playing cards were invented, you could buy four suits for under a dollar for the first time.
When Scrabble was invented, many people sat down for a spell.
When small cushions were invented for sewing, people bought them for a pinny.
When soda was first bottled, the inventor’s son said, “That’s my pop!”
When surgical stitches were first used, the inventor said, “Suture self.”
When tanning oil was first bottled, it could only be used on sun-days.
When the first astronaut got married, the couple was known as “Mister and Missile.”
When the first automatic packaging machine was invented, the inventor made a bundle.
When the first ax was developed, many people put it on their chopping list.
When the first barber shop school opened, everyone graduated at the head of his class.
When the first barber supply company burned, it was just a brush fire.
When the first bicycle repair shop opened, the owner became the industry’s spokes-man.
When the first book was written on watchmaking, everyone thought it was about time.
When the first broom was invented, the inventor was so tired, he went to sweep.
When the first canine scale was made, it weighed only in dog pounds.
When the first chess tournament was held, the winner received a check.
When the first circuit breaker was introduced, people re-fused to use it.
When the first cookie factory burned down, everyone had free fire crackers.
When the first credit card was issued, people got a charge out of it.
When the first crossword puzzle was printed, the creator received $5,000 down and $2,000 across.
When the first diet club was formed, it was a losing proposition.
When the first diving school was opened, graduates got a deep-loma.
When the first escalator was used, everyone said it was a step in the right direction.
When the first giraffe was exhibited in a zoo, everyone paid a neckle to see it.
When the first hamburger press was made, its inventor got a patty on his back.
When the first ice cream cone was shown at a press conference, newsmen got a big scoop.
When the first indoor jogging machine was made, people bought it to get a run for their money.
When the first indoor tennis court was built, the builder made a net profit.
When the first infant stroller was made, some babies got a little buggy.
When the first interlocking jigsaw puzzle was invented, it caused a national craze as the whole country went to pieces.
When the first mailbox was invented, everyone knew it would happen sooner or letter.
When the first marble building was erected, everyone took it for granted.
When the first medical school opened in 1900, it was stitched closed.
When the first miniskirts became popular, worried husbands said the thigh was the limit.
When the first national cooking champion was crowned, she appeared on TV on a program called “The Spice Is Right.”
When the first pain killer was marketed, it saved a lot of moaney.
When the first rodeo was held, the cowboys got a few bucks out of it.
When the first self-winding clock was made, everyone was tickled.
When the first textile school opened, the students became very materialistic.
When the first flower show was held, the first prize was a bloom ribbon.
When the inventor of the first elastic girdle was asked if it worked, he replied, “Of corset does!”
When the inventor sold his patent for malted milk, he felt he got a fair shake.
When the tailor’s wife saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she’d dye.
When thread was first made, everyone said, “Darn it!”
When ties were first worn, they were very collar full.
When water pistols were first sold, stores had squirtains on their windows.
When Willy Wonka made the first chocolate bar, he said, “Isn’t that sweet?”
When windows were first installed in the Empire State Building, they were a pane in the glass.
When wooden money was first issued, it was a sliver dollar.
When wooden shoes were first introduced, people lumbered around in them.
When wrought iron was first used for decoration, people were very grate-full.
Whoever built the first marble building had difficulty – it kept rolling away.
William Canby invented the first computing scales – just proves that when there’s a Will there’s a weigh.
World’s first funny animal: a stand-up chameleon.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-03-2006, 12:46 PM:
Rated G
A Chinese couple named Wong had a new baby. The nurse brings them a lovely, healthy, bouncy, definitely Caucasian white baby boy!
"Congratulations!" says the nurse to the new parents. "What will you name the baby?"
The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says, "Well, two Wongs don't make a white, so I think we will name him Sum Ting Wong."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-04-2006, 07:06 AM:
Rated G
Christmas was over. Santa and his reindeer finally had a chance to rest. And they deserved it. They had done a good job.
Rudolph had a chance to do something he had wanted to do for a long time. He made an appointment with a plastic surgeon because he was so sensitive about his looks. However it wasn’t his glowing proboscis that he wanted changed. He was proud of his nose and the help he had given Santa because of it. No, he was sensitive about his long ears which were much more prominent than the ears of the average rain deer, or bear for that matter. So one week after Christmas, he let the good doctor do the pinna reconstructive surgery procedure, and since that time, January 1st has been celebrated as New Ears Day.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-04-2006, 07:34 AM:
Rated G B.B.
HOW'S BUSINESS? Here are some likely responses to the above question by various tradesmen.
Said the sailor: Knot bad.
Said the coffee salesman: It's a grind.
Said the drummer: It's hard to beat.
Said the astronomer: Things are looking up.
Said the dressmaker: Just sew-sew.
Said the street cleaner: Things are picking up.
Said the pianist: Right on key.
Said the botanist: Everything's coming up roses.
Said the floor polisher: Going smoothly.
Said the deep-sea diver: I'm about to go under.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-04-2006, 07:37 AM:
Rated G B.B.
There once was a poor shepherd named Yorgi. The only food he had to sustain himself on was the milk he got from the sheep, and it tasted so bad that he could barely drink it. As a result, Yorgi became thin and sickly.
One day, he met his friend Vladimir. Vladimir was a poor shepherd like himself, but he was hearty and healthy. Vladimir told him that he had to live on sheep's milk too, but he let him on a secret: a witch in a nearby village taught him a magic spell that makes sheep's milk taste as sweet as the richest cream.
Yorgi begged Vladimir to teach him the spell, which his friend did willingly. Sure enough, Yorgi's sheep produced the most delicious milk he ever tasted. Yorgi loved it so much, that he drank it by the liter.
He milked his sheep so much that they cried out in pain. Yorgi realized that he couldn't make his sheep suffer like that, so he reversed the spell and resigned himself to drinking normal sheep's milk.
Now, there's no ewes crying over spelled milk.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-02-2006, 02:29 PM:
Rated G
A little old lady was selling seashells on a street corner. One afternoon a well dressed man passed by her, and she grabbed his arm. "How about some nice seashells?" she asked. "No, thank you," the man replied.
Suddenly the woman clutched her throat and fell to the pavement, "What's wrong?" asked the man. "I'm going fast," the old woman wheezed. "Please buy some shells."
Deeply touched, the man handed over enough money for all the shells just before her eyes slid peacefully shut. The next day the man was walking down a neighboring street and saw the woman again vending her wares.
"Hey," he yelled to a nearby police officer, "I thought she passed away yesterday."
The officer smiled knowingly. "Ah, but you were conned," he said "You see, she sells seashells by the seizure."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-07-2006, 10:30 AM:
Rated G B.B.
As the man struggled to eliminate the sag in the eaves, some rotted wood gave way underneath him. He fell right through the hole in the roof, but managed to grab the edge of the eaves as he fell, catching himself.
Unfortunately, the sudden weight of the falling man caused the edge of the roof to completely tear loose from the rest of the house, resulting in the man falling twenty feet to the ground and getting pummelled with debris from the collapsed eaves.
A neighbor happened to witness this and hurried over to check on the man. He was alive, but badly hurt. The paramedics were called and he was taken to the hospital in agony. The man's injuries were serious enough hat he spent six weeks in the hospital recovering.
On his last day in the hospital, the police arrived and announced that he was under arrest for his activities six weeks earlier. "What!?" exclaimed the man. "You're going to arrest me for falling off my own roof?"
"Oh no," replied the policeman. "We're arresting you for tearing off the edge of your roof without a permit. ... That's a clear case of illegal eavesdropping."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-07-2006, 11:04 AM:
Rated G B.B.
I am not a believer in seances, but I went to one just to see what they are like.
The psychic was doing his thing and grinning from ear to ear.
I assumed his merriment was due to the fact that he was fooling a gullible public and gave him a poke in the nose.
You can probably guess the rest.
I was arrested for striking a happy medium.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-10-2006, 10:31 AM:
Rated G Lulu
A wife became suspicious because her husband was spending long periods of time away from home, supposedly on business trips. So she hired a private investigator to follow him and report on his behavior.
The detective reported that he travelled to a near-by city where he spent his evenings in an apartment with a beautiful woman, and had photographs to prove it.
When her husband returned from his “business trip,” she confronted him about his involvement with another woman. He then confessed to having a second marriage. When his wife reacted in disbelief, the man said, . . . ”I think it was bigamy to admit it.”
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-21-2006, 12:04 PM:
Rated G B.B.
I went to the dentist with my uncle the other day. He needed needed new dentures. The dentist showed him some that only cost a dollar.
The dentist did want my uncle to understand, though, that they were buck teeth.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-21-2006, 12:54 PM:
Rated G B.B.
Jimmy: 'Hey, Mike! How's your new pet fish doing? You told me he was really something special.'
Mike: 'To tell the truth, I'm really disappointed in him. The guy who sold him to me said I could teach him to sing like a bird.'
Jimmy: 'What? Let me get this straight... You bought a fish because you thought you could teach him to sing like a bird?'
Mike: 'Well, yeah. After all, you know, he's a parrot fish.'
Jimmy: 'Now listen, Mike, while you might be able to teach a parrot to sing, you're never going to get anywhere with a parrot fish.'
Mike: 'That's what you think! It just so happens this fish CAN sing. The thing is, he's terribly off-key and it's driving me crazy. Do you know how hard it is to tuna fish?
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-28-2006, 12:58 PM:
Rated G
William Tell was not only a great patriot and a great archer, he was also a great cook and lover. One day, after he had prepared a new stew for his mistress, he tasted the concoction, smacked his lips together once or twice, then said, "I think there is still something MISSING. What do you think?" He passed the spoon to the maiden.
She, too, smacked her lips as she sampled the stew and commented, "Only thyme, Will Tell."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-07-2006, 08:29 AM:
Rated G B.B.
A spokesperson for the U.S. Mint announced that a new fifty-cent piece was being issued to honor two great American patriots. On one side of the coin would be Theodore Roosevelt and on the other side, Nathan Hale.
Asked by the reporter why two people were going to be on the same coin, the official replied, 'We selected these two men to make life simpler for the vast majority of Americans.
The reporter then asked, 'How can this make life simpler for Americans?'
The official responded, 'Well, now, when they toss a coin they can simply call, 'Ted's or Hale's.'
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-07-2006, 08:40 AM:
Rated G
Tounge In Cheek Puns
1. He who jumps off a bridge in Paris is in Seine.
2. A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
3. Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
4. Practice safe eating - always use condiments.
5. Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
6. A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.
7. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
8. Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
9. Acupuncture is a jab well done.
10. Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
11. Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.
12. When two egoists meet, it's an I for an I.
13. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.
14. Definition of a will: A dead give away.
15. 30. Once you've seen one shopping centre, you've seen a mall.
16. With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
17. She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.
18. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
19. If you don't pay your exorcist, do you get repossessed?
20. A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.
21. When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
22. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
23. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
24. Every calendar's days are numbered.
25. A lot of money is tainted - It taint yours and it taint mine.
26. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-07-2006, 04:22 PM:
Rated G
With the passing of Pope John-Paul,the Cardinals have now elected Pope Benedict,but did you know he was not the first choice??
Most popular was Robert Dunning, currently in South Africa, an American and WWII veteran. Dunning enlisted at the beginning of the conflict and became a fighter pilot, unfortunately he was shot down on his second mission which resulted in the loss of his arm. Not able to fly anymore, he joined the priesthood and ministered to the troops for the remainder of the war.
After the war,Father Dunning received his calling to Southern Africa,and despite his disability continued to fly a small plane ministering and spreading the word to the many small villages.
Around the year 2000 he contracted Purpa, a disease which leaves the skin with a very purplish color.This disease spread and caused the loss of one eye before being controlled.
His service to the people of Africa has gained him wide recognition in the Church,and was the most favored for candidate for Pope among many Cardinals. His name was finally withdrawn however because not everyone was willing to accept a
one eyed, one armed, flying purple papal leader
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-09-2006, 10:58 AM:
Rated G
Five days from now will be the 127th anniversary of Albert Einstein's birthday. He was born March 14, 1879.
Few remember that the Nobel Prize winner married his cousin, Elsa Lowenthal, after his first marriage dissolved in 1919.
He stated that he was attracted to Elsa because she was well endowed. He postulated that if you are attracted to women with large breasts, the attraction is stronger if there is a DNA connection.
It was called "Einstein's Theory of Relative Titty."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-18-2006, 02:35 PM:
Rated G B.B.
New Disease
A recent college graduate took a new job in a hilly Eastern city and began commuting each day to work through a tiring array of tunnels, bridges and traffic jams. Thinking it would make the trip more bearable, he invited several coworkers to share the ride. However, the commute actually got more stressful, especially the trips through the tunnels. He consulted the company doctor.
"Doc," the frustrated commuter complained, "I'm fine on the bridges, in the traffic, in the day and at night, and even when Joe forgets to bathe all week. But now, when I get in the tunnels with those four other guys crowded into the car, I get anxious and dizzy, and I feel like I'm going to explode."
Without further analysis, the doctor announced he had diagnosed the ailment.
"What is it, Doc? Am I going insane?"
"No, no, no, my boy. You have something that is becoming more and more common."
"Tell me! What is it?"
"You have what is known as Carpool Tunnel Syndrome."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-19-2006, 07:34 AM:
Rated G Gerry
During a whistle-stop campaign, the presidential candidate's train hopped the track and ran roughshod through a farmer's field.
Several animals were killed and the politician agreed to reimburse him, making it the first and only time a politician took responsibility for the bulls hit.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-20-2006, 07:13 AM:
Rated G
General, a police horse was laid to rest yesterday after an horrific car accident.
It was an open funeral. The Boston mare was there as were several hundred police officers.
The eulogist was hoarse, but he did not stirrup any trouble and was happy to be saddled with this fond work.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-20-2006, 07:15 AM:
[b]Rated G Lorraine/b]
General Motors has just come out with a pill to stop car sickness. They've named it CHEVROLAIDS.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-20-2006, 07:49 AM:
Rated G Lorraine
"Puns are little 'plays on words' that a certain breed of person loves to spring on you and then look at you in a certain self- satisfied way to indicate that he thinks that you must think that he is by far the cleverest person on Earth now that Benjamin Franklin is dead, when in fact what you are thinking is that if this person ever ends up in a lifeboat, the other passengers will hurl him overboard by the end of the first day even if they have plenty of food and water."
--Dave Barry
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-20-2006, 07:58 AM:
Rated G Lorraine
The English dramatist, Ben Jonson, was asked by a friend to make up a pun.
"Pun what subject?" was his quick reply.
The friend chuckled and said, "Oh, the king."
Ben replied, "But the king is not a subject; he is the king!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-20-2006, 08:02 AM:
Rated G B.B.
Artifacts are a major portion of an Indian reservation's economy. Annually, thousands of tourists visit reservations and most will not leave without purchasing at least one memento of the traditional Indian culture.
One enterprising Indian was able to outsell his competitors in the sale of wooden dolls by selling them at only a fraction of the cost others had to charge. On examination of his dolls they found that where traditionally hard wood was used, this Indian would use cheap pine on which he glued thin pieces of fine mahogany, thus being able to produce the dolls at only a fraction of the cost. While he claimed his dolls were still authentic, his competitors complained that it was only a cheap Sioux Veneer.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-20-2006, 08:04 AM:
Rated G Lorraine
Harry Truman, inviting guests to his home in Independence for one of Bess' home-sooked meals, often quipped, "Missouri loves company."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-22-2006, 12:19 PM:
Rated G Alanv71
SKY have just won the rights to screen the first World Origami Championships from Tokyo.
Unfortunately, it's only available on paper view.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-23-2006, 09:34 AM:
Rated G Lorraine
A man raised animals on a small farm in the Midwest. The farm was a peaceful place. One day a pig was found dead in the barn.
Upset, the farmer was determined to find who was responsible for this dastardly deed. The only witness was a rabbit. The farmer lined up all the suspects: a cow, a young goat, a horse and a rooster. He told the rabbit to pick out the killer. The rabbit hopped up and down the line. He stopped and nodded his head at the young goat. Nervously, the accused goat said, "I didn't do it!"
The farmer replied, "Hare's looking at you, kid."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-23-2006, 09:46 AM:
Rated G B.B.
There's nothing grate about sliced cheese.
- Daniel Riehs
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-23-2006, 10:27 AM:
Rated G Lorraine
When I was an apprentice bricklayer, we were working on a pump station that was supported by pilings several feet from shore. I accidentally dropped my level into the water, and it immediately sank. The foreman, who had seen me,observed, "Well, they say that water will always find its own level."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-27-2006, 10:25 AM:
Rated G Lorraine
Birds are grouchy in the morning because their bills are over dew.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-27-2006, 02:01 PM:
Rated G Alex
Sign on the pet shop window---
"Every customer receives a free legless parakeet...No perches necessary"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-30-2006, 09:54 AM:
Rated G B.B.
When the driver of a huge trailer lost control of his rig, he plowed into an empty tollbooth and smashed it to pieces. He climbed down from the wreckage and within a matter of minutes, a truck pulled up and discharged a crew of workers.
The men picked up each broken piece of the former tollbooth and spread some kind of creamy substance on it. Then they began fitting the pieces together. In less than a half hour, they had the entire tollbooth reconstructed and looking good as new.
"Astonishing!" the truck driver said to the crew chief. "What was the white stuff you used to get all the pieces together?"
The crew chief said, "Oh, that was tollgate booth paste."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-14-2006, 10:01 AM:
Rated G B.B.
Pun Crazy!
Q. How do crazy people go through the forest? A. They take the psycho path.
Q. How do you get holy water? A. Boil the hell out of it.
Q. What did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall? A. "Dam!"
Q. What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long? A. Polaroids.
Q. What do prisoners use to call each other? A. Cell phones.
Q. What do you call cheese that isn't yours? A. Nacho Cheese.
Q. What do you call Santa's helpers? A. Subordinate Clauses.
Q. What do you get from a pampered cow? A. Spoiled milk.
Q. What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A. A nervous wreck.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-16-2006, 10:15 AM:
Rated G
Sir Granville knew he faced a fierce battle from the invading Celtic hoards. He felt he could defeat the invaders even though his forces had been weakened by the previous battles.
He sent his page to his closest neighboring Lord, Sir Symon, and requested assistance. Fearing an invasion of his own territory, Symon sent back only one of his knights to help Granville during the coming battle.
The expected battle ensued, and the Lord's forces were virtually unharmed. There was only one major casualty, the knight sent by Symon who though alive had received multiple sword wounds to his chest and abdomen.
The page was sent from battle to notify his lord of the results, He happily reported the success of the Lord's troops but was saddened to report,
"Sy's lent knight's a holey knight."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-08-2007, 08:21 AM:
Rated G Puns
- EVER WONDER
-
- Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
-
- Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
-
- Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
-
- Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
-
- Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
-
- Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on "Start"?
-
- Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid
- made with real lemons?
-
- Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
-
- Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
-
- Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
-
- When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
-
- Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
-
- Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
-
- You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why
- don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?
-
- Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
-
- Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
-
- If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
-
- If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-18-2007, 01:21 PM:
Rated G B.B.
A Good Pun is Its Own Reword ...
A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Reading while sunbathing makes you well-red.
When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired.
What's the definition of a will? (Come on, It's a dead giveaway!)
Posted by Adam Martin (Member # 641) on 06-08-2007, 06:03 PM:
Visualize Whirled Peas
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-25-2007, 09:06 AM:
Rated G Stroade
**PUNZ**
** Do forgers write wrongs?
** If Sir Lancelot dreamed about overthrowing King Arthur, would that be a Midslumber Knight's Scheme?
** Watches and clocks are always displayed and sold on a time table.
** Never use wet wood in your fireplace. You should always let weeping logs dry.
** A chicken in love is poultry emotion.
** Can you buy bottled water at a liquidation sale?
** Did you hear about the professional chef who gave up baking bread? Apparently he wasn't making enough dough.
** Are dog biscuits made out of collie flour?
** If a cannibal eats a missionary, does he get a taste of religion?
** Did I tell you about the big winner on "Jeopardy!"? He went home the next day and his wife said, "Who were those women I saw you outwit last night?"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-29-2008, 04:35 PM:
Rated G B.B.
Dieting Puns
A diet is a weigh of life.
It's not the minutes spent at the table that put on weight, it's the seconds.
It's something most of us do religiously: We eat what we want and pray we don't gain weight.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-15-2008, 03:44 PM:
Rated G B.B.
Puns
A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.
A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.
When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-15-2008, 04:00 PM:
Rated G B.B.
More Puns
When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination.
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired.
In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.
A lot of money is tainted. It taint yours and it taint mine.
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft, and I'll show you A flat minor.
The poor guy fell into a glass grinding machine and made a spectacle of himself.
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.