To be read in and Irish accent!

My god! What happened to you?" the bartender asked Kelly as he
hobbled in on a crutch, one arm in a cast.

"I got in a tiff with Riley."

"Riley? He's just a wee fellow," the barkeeper said surprised."He
must have had something in his hand."

"That he did," Kelly said. "A shovel it was."

"Dear Lord. Didn't you have anything in your hand?"

"Aye, that I did -- Mrs. Riley's left tit." Kelly said. "And a
beautiful thing it was, but not much use in a fight!"

This Irish guy goes into a bar in the Greek Islands. Sinead, an Irish
student who is currently working behind the bar, takes his order and
notices his Irish accent.
Over the course of the night they talk quite a bit. At the end of the
night he asks her if she wants to sleep with him. Although she is
attracted to him she says no.
He then offers to pay her 100 quid for the deed. Sinead is travelling
the world and because she is strapped for cash she agrees.
The next night the same guy turns up again and after showing her
plenty of attention throughout the night he asks if she will sleep
with him again for 100 quid.
She figures in for a penny in for a pound - and it was fantastic the
night before - so she agrees. This goes on for five nights. On the
sixth night the guy comes into the bar.
But this night he orders a beer and just goes and sits in the corner.
Sinead is disappointed and thinks that maybe she should pay him more
attention. She goes over and sits next to him.
She asks him where he is from and he tells her Cork.
"Wow, so am I," she says. "What part of Cork?" "Montenotte," he says.
Well holy god -that's amazing," she says, "so am I - what street?",
to which he names the street. "This is unbelievable," she says,
"what number?" "Number 20," he says, and she is truly gobsmacked .
"You are not going to believe this," she says, "I'm from number 22 -
my parents still live there!" "I know," he says
"Your Da gave me five hundred quid to give to you!"
 

An Irishman named O'Malley went to his doctor after a long illness.
The doctor, after a lengthy examination, sighed and looked O'Malley in the eyes and said, "I've some bad news for you. You have cancer, and it can't be cured. You'd best put your affairs in order."

O'Malley was shocked and saddened. But being of solid character, he managed to compose himself and walk from the doctor's office into the waiting room.

To his son, who had been waiting, O'Malley said,"Well, son, we Irish celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things are don't go so well. In this case things aren't so good. I have cancer. Let's head for the pub and have a few pints."

After 3 or 4 pints, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more beers. They were eventually approached by some of O'Malley's friends who asked what the two were celebrating.

O'Malley told them that the Irish celebrate the good and the bad. He went on to tellthem that they were drinking to his impending end. He told his friends, "I have been diagnosed with AIDS." The friends gave O'Malley their condolences and they had a few more beers.

After his friends left, O'Malley's son leaned over and whispered his confusion. "Dad, I thought you had cancer? You just told your friends you had AIDS!"

O'Malley said, "I don't want any of them sleeping with your mother after I'm gone."

 

An Irishman drives into a petrol station with a sabre-toothed Bengal tiger on the back seat of his car. The attendant notices it and says, 'that's a dangerous wild animal - you should take it to the zoo straight away!' 'That's a grand idea, I'll do it now,' replied the Irishman. The next day he returned, still with the tiger in his car, only this time it was wearing sunshades and had a towel on its back. 'I thought I told you to take that thing to the zoo,' commented the attendant. 'That you did,' the Irishman replied, 'and a grand day out we had. But today he wants to go to the beach.'

This Irish guy goes into a bar in the Greek Islands.

Sinead, an Irish student who is currently working behind the bar, takes his order and notices his Irish accent.

Over the course of the night, they talk quite a bit. At the end of the night, he asks her to sleep with him.

Although she fancies him, she says no.

He then offers to pay her 100 quid for the deed. Sinead is travelling the world, and because she is strapped for cash, she agrees.

The next night, the same guy turns up, and after showing her plenty of attention throughout the night, he asks her to sleep with him again for 100 quid.

She figures "in for a penny - in for a pound," and as it was fantastic the night before, she goes home with him again.

This goes on for 5 nights. On the sixth night the guy comes into the bar, but this night he just orders a beer and sits in the corner.

Sinead is disappointed, and figures that maybe she should pay him more attention.She goes over and sits beside him.

She asks him where he's from,and he says,

"Cork."

"Wow," she says, "Me too! - what part?"

"Montenotte," he says.

"Jesus, that's amazing," she says,

"Which street?"

To which he names the street.

She is truly gob smacked.

This is uncanny," she says, "what number?"

"Number 20." "You are not going to believe this," she says,

"I'm from number 22! My parents still live there!"

"I know", he says. "Your Da gave me five hundred quid to give you!"   
 

Ireland's worst-ever air disaster occurred today when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery early this afternoon in central Dublin.

Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 300 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the evening.   
 

An Aer Lingus jumbo jet is in mid-Atlantic when one of its engines fails. The captain comes on the Tannoy: 'Ladies and gentlemen, you may notice some smoke and flames coming out of one of the engines. This is nothing to worry about, because the plane is designed to fly, if needs be, with only one engine working. All this means is that our arrival will be delayed for an hour or so.'

A while later, another one goes and the captain puts the delay at two hours. Then the third fails as well, and he announces that the delay is up to three. At this point, one of the passengers remarks: 'Geez, if the last one dies we'll be up here all day!'
 

One day, an Englishman, an Irishman, and a Scottish man, were standing on a bridge.

As they were standing on the bridge chatting, a herd of cows crossed the bridge.

"Those have got to be English cows," the Englishman commented. "They're black and white."

"No," the Irishmen argued. "They've got to be Irish cows, they got spots."

"I beg to differ," the Scottish man said. "Those are Scottish cows. They got the wee bagpipes hanging down!   
 

Paddy and Paddy, two Irishmen, went out one day and each bought a pig.

When they got home, Paddy turned to Paddy and said "Paddy, me ol' mate, how we gonna tell who owns which fookin pig?

"Paddy says, "Well Paddy, I'll cut one a ta' ears off my fookin pig, and ten we can tell 'em apart."

"Ah tat'd be grand." Says Paddy.

This worked fine until a couple of weeks later when Paddy stormed into the house."Paddy" he said "Your fookin pig has chewed the ear off a my fookin pig.

Now we got two fookin pigs with on one ear each. How we gonna tell who owns which fookin pig?"

"Well Paddy" said Paddy "I'll cut ta other ear off my fookin pig. Ten we'll av two fookin pigs and only one of them will avan ear"

"Ah tat'd be grand." says Paddy.Again this worked fine until a couple of weeks later when Paddy again stormed into the house."Paddy" he said "Your fookin pig has chewed the other ear offa my fookin pig. Now we got two fookin pigs with no fookin ears. How we gonna tell who owns which fookin pig?"

"Ah tis is serious, Paddy." Said Paddy "I'll tell ya what I'll do I'll cutt a tail offa my fookin pig. Ten we'll av two fookin pigs with no fookin ears and only one fookin tail.

"Ah tat'd be grand." Says Paddy. Another couple of weeks went by, and you guessed it, Paddy stormed intothe house once more."PADDY" shouted Paddy "YOUR FOOKIN PIG HAS CHEWED THE FOOKIN TAIL OFFA MY FOOKIN PIG AND NOW WE GOT TWO FOOKIN PIGS WITH NO FOOKIN EARS AND NO FOOKIN TAILS!!!!!!!!!!!

HOW THE FOOK ARE WE GONNA FOOKIN TELL 'EMAPART!!!!!!!!!!""Ah fook it." Says Paddy "How's about you have the black one, and I'll have the white one?"
 

There is a Scottishman, an Englishman and an Irishman, who are all working in a shopping centre.

One day, their boss says to them, need to go out for an hour, can trust you three here?

They all say yes, so the boss leaves. When he does, the Scottishman decides to go to the pub for an hour, the Englishman goes to a casino, and the Irishman decides he will just go home for an hour. When the Irishman gets home, he finds his boss in bed with his wife.

So the next day at the shopping centre, the boss again excuses himself for an hour. So the Scottishman who had a great time yesterday, decides to go back to the pub. The Englishman who won $50 yesterday, decides to go back to the casino.

But the Irishman looks shocked and says, "Oh no! I'm not going anywhere,
I nearly got caught yesterday!!"
 

A small two-seater Cessna 152 plane crashed into a cemetery early this morning in central Ireland.

Local search and rescue workers have recovered 300 bodies so far and expect the number to climb as digging continues into the evening.
 

What would happen if an Irishman was walking blindfolded towards a brick wall with a fully erect penis?

He'd break his nose.
 

This Lad came in off the street went up to the bartender and said can I have a pint of Guiness and the guy at the far in says are you Irish?

He said aye I am! I'm Irish myself ill buy you that pint!

Were abouts are you from?

He said Dublin!That were I come from i'll have a pint with ya!

Were abouts in Dublin?

He said Fingus!

MY GOD so do I come from Fingus! Two Halves of Whiskey as well!

Were abouts in Fingus?

He said Park Field road!

My God that's were I live park Feild Road as well!

Make them large Whiskeys!

Wat Number?

He Said 29!

My God I was born in number 29!!!!

The Lanlord walks into the bar and says to the bartender :"Who is in the Pub tonight?"

The barman says ah just the two Murphy Twins!
 

John O'Riley was a member of an Irish Toast Masters Club and one evening at the local Irish Toast Masters meeting, a contest was held to see who could deliver the best toast.

Well, John O'Riley won the contest for the best toast of the evening, "Here's to The Best Years o' Me Life, Spent Between The Legs o' Me Wife."

When John O'Riley arrived home his beautiful wife asked him how theToast Masters meeting went and he said, "I won the contest for the best toast of the evening."

His wife then asked him what his toast was, and he said, "Here's to the Best Years o' me Life, Spent in Church wi' me Wife."

His wife then said, "Why John, that's so nice of you to include me in your toast."

The next morning, Mrs. O'Riley was downtown shopping and ran into the local policeman on the beat who was also at the Toast Masters meeting with John O'Riley.

He said, "Hello Mrs. O'Riley, that was some great toast that your husband John gave at the Toast Masters meeting last evening. He won first prize".

"Yes, that's right," said Mrs. O'Riley, "but he wasn't quite honest with the facts: he's only been there twice, the first time he fell asleep and the second time I had to pull him out by the ears."
 

An Irishman walks out of a pub, stumbling back and forth with a key in his hand. A cop on the beat sees him and approaches, "Can I help you sir?"

"Yesss, sssshombody stole me car!" the Irishman replies.

The cop asks, "Well now, where was your car the last time you saw it?"

"It wass at the end of shis key." the Irishman replies.

About this time the cop happens to notice that the Irishman's penis is being exhibited for all to see.

He then asks, "Are you aware that you are exposing yourself, sir?"

The Irishman looks down woefully and moans "OHHH GOD...they got me girlfriend, too!"
 

Three Englishman walk into a bar a spot an Irishman sitting alone at a table. One fellow says to the others, "Let's pick a fight with the Mick over there".

His partner replies, "Wait we don't want to be arrested. Let's make him start the fight"

The third Englishman says, Wait here chaps. I know how to do it". He goes over to the Irishman and says, St. Patrick was a bloddy faggot!"

To which the Irishman replied "You don't say now!" and calmly resumes drinking his beer.

The second Englishman now tries his luck and says to the Irishman, "St. Patrick was a fag that wore a dress!"

To which the Irishman again replies "You don't say now!" and calmly resumes drinking his beer.

The last Englishman tell his friends he knows how to rile the Mick and bounces up to the table and screams "St. Patrick was an Englishman!"

To which the Irishman matter-of-factly replied "So your friends were telling me."
 

Two Irishmen were digging a ditch directly across from a brothel. Suddenly, they saw a rabbi walk up to the front door, glance around and duck inside. "Ah, will you look at that?" One ditch digger said. "What's our world comin' to when man of th' cloth is visitin' such a place?"

A short time later, a Protestant minister walked up to the door and quietly slipped inside. "Do you believe that?" The workman exclaimed. "Why, 'tis no wonder th' young people today are so confused, what with the example clergymen set for them."

After an hour went by, the men watched as a Catholic priest stroll up and went in the whorehouse. "Ah, what a pity," the digger said while removing his cap. "One of th'poor lasses must've died.
 

Paddy and Mick were sat in their local pub wondering how they were going to raise money for two more pints when Paddy notices a man at the bar handing over a Salmon in payment for his pint. Paddy wanders over to the man and asks "Excuse me mate where did you get the Salmon?"

"I caught it fishing off a bridge up the river" the man replies.

Paddy turns to Mick and says "We can do that".

So the pair of them decide to try to catch a Salmon to fund there drinks. As they wander out of the pub Mick asks "Hang on a second we haven't got any fishing rods or bait, how are we going to catch a Salmon?".

Paddy thinks for a while.... "Never mind, I'll dangle you over the bridge by your feet and you wait for a Salmon to swim by and when it does you can grab it". Mick agrees and so they start to fish. 5 minutes go by and Paddy hears nothing from Mick. 10 minutes go by and still nothing. After 20 minutes Mick suddenly screams "Pull me up quick!!".

Paddy shouts "Have you got one, is it big!"

"No....but there's a train coming!!"
 

A Russian, an American, and a Irish man were talking one day.

The Russian said, "We were the first in space!"

The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"

The Irish man said, "So what, we're going to be the first on the sun!"

The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads.

"You can't land on the sun, you idiot, you'll burn up!" said the Russian.

To which the Irish Man replied, "We're not stupid, you know. we're going at night!"
 

What's the difference between an Irish wake and an Irish wedding?

One less drunk!
 

This is a real letter, which somebody posted to the Tax office in IRELAND explaining why they had not paid Tax for several years. This is alleged to be the actual text of a letter received by the Revenue Commissioners from a Co. Longford farmer in reply to an income Tax demand.

Dear Sirs,

Your letter arrived this morning in an open envelope and it would have given the son and myself pleasure had it not revived in us a melancholy reflection of what has gone before. You say you thought the account could have been settled long ago, and you could not understand why it hadn't. Well, here are the reasons:

In 1987 I purchased a hay shed on credit. In 1988 I bought a combine harvester, a manure spreader, two horses, a double barrel shifter, two cows and ten razor back pigs, also on credit.

In 1989 the bloody hay shed burnt to the ground leaving not a damn thing. I got no insurance either as the bloody premium had lapsed. One of the horses went lame and I loaned the other one to my brother who starved the poor bugger to death.

In 1990 my father died and my brother was put away when he tried to marry one of his sheep named Hilda. A knacker got my daughter pregnant and I had to pay him a grand to stop him becoming one of my relatives.

In 1991 my son got the mumps which spread to his balls and he had to be castrated to save his life. Later in the year I went fishing on the Shannon and the bloody boat overturned, drowning two of my sons, neither being the fucking eunuch who was by now wearing his sisters make-up and dresses. Not long after he emigrated to America with the new parish priest. They are now married and trying for children.

In 1992 my wife ran away with a pig jobber from Drumlish and left me with new born twins as a souvenir and I had to get a housekeeper, so I married her to keep down expenses. I had a hell of a job getting her pregnant (to qualify for more children's allowance). I went to see the doctor. He advised me to create some excitement at the crucial moment so that night I brought my shotgun to bed and when I thought the moment was right I leaned out of bed and shot both barrels through the window, the wife shit the bed, I ruptured myself, and the next morning I found I had blown both doors off the barn, shot my best dairy cow and killed the fucking knackerer who was in the hay loft with my daughter trying to get more money out of me, which he didd because I had to pay for the fucker's funeral expenses.

The next year, 1993, someone cut the balls off my prize bull, poisoned the water, and set fire to the house. I was bolloxed and took to the drink and did not stop until all I had left was a pocket watch and a weak bladder. Winding the watch and running for a piss kept me busy for a time.

This year I took heart again and bought (on the hire purchase) a bulldozer, tractor and trailer and a new bull. Then the Shannon flooded and washed the bloody lot away, my second wife got V.D. from a land inspector and my last surviving son died from wiping his arse on a poisoned rabbit I had put down for dogs who were worrying the sheep.

It surprises me very much that you say you will cause trouble if I don't pay up. If you can think of anything I've missed I should like to know about it. Trying to get money out of me will be like trying to pokebutter up a hedgehog's hole with a red hot needle.

I'm praying for a cloud of cat's shit to pass your way and I hope it will fall on you and the bastards in your office who sent me this final demand.

Yours for more credit

John Murphy"
 

Paddy and Mick are having a race to the top of the hill, Paddy says "If I get to the top of the hill first I'm going to write my name on that tree at the top".

So Mick says, "If I get to the top first I'm going to rub it out".
 

There were two Irish men emigrating to Australia.

Mike is very confident about being accepted there, but Paddy is not so sure.

Mike tells Paddy "just tell them what you do for a living and you'll be ok".

On arrival the two men go through customs and hand the Australian official their passports.

"Well g'day Mike, welcome to OZ, what do you do for a living?"

I'm a pilot" replied Mike.

"We've always got jobs for pilots, what do you do Paddy?"

"I'm a turf cutter" replied Paddy.

"A turf cutter, we don't need turf cutters in Australia," replied the official, to which Paddy replied, "Well how's Mike gonna PILE it if I don't cut it.
 

What's the difference between a Scotsman and a coconut?

You can get a drink out of a coconut.

******
What's the difference between a Scotsman and a canoe?

A canoe sometimes tips.
******
How does an Englishman know his wife is dead?

The sex is just the same but the dishes are piling up in the kitchen.
 

Irishman At The Pearly Gates

So up goes an Irishman to the pearly gates, and he patiently waits for St. Peter to look up from his work. Finally, he gives the Irishman his attention.

"And you are?" St. Peter asks.

"I'm Kevin O'Conlan," replies the Irishman.

"Hmm, O'Conlan...O'Conlan..." the gatekeeper mused, poring over his compendious list of people and events. "Ah, here we are. Kevin O'Conlan, you're a member of the Irish Republican Army."

"Yeh, that'd be me," replies Kevin.

"You blew up that pub in London!"

"Yeh."

"You also blew up a bus in Belfast and a munitions transport in Northumberland."

"Yeh, that's all me work," comes the nonplussed reply.

St. Peter is just amazed at this guy, and when he finally finds words, he blurts, "Well, good God, man, we just can't let you in here!"

"Let me in, Hell!" says Kevin. "I come to tell you you've got ten minutes to get out!"
 

The Irish Film Festival.

One day the Irish Film Institute sent out brochures and flyers announcing a major international film festival in Dublin - one which would rival Berlin and Cannes, so the organisers claimed.

Only one thing looked a bit strange - the festival programme consisted of the same film (an OK romantic melodrama, but by no means a masterpiece), which was to be shown four times a day for two weeks, just like in a multiplex.

All the film-makers and critics who saw this thought that this was to be a bold new programming experiment, an innovative work of 'event art' if you like (a bit like Bill Viola's videowalls, for example).

Eventually, on day two of the festival, one of the delegates asked the director what the idea was.

'Well, you know the film's got Sharon Stone in it?', he asked.

'Yes,' the delegate replied.

'And in that last scene she's takes all her clothes off,' the director continues.

'Well she starts doing that, but then a train comes past the window and that's the end of the movie,' the delegate protested.

'There you have it,' said the director, 'you see, we figured that if we showed the film often enough then one day the train would be late and then the end really will be worth seeing!'
 

An Australian was in Ireland. On his way to Belfast, he stopped at a bar and asked one of the locals, "What's the quickest way to Belfast?"

The Irishmen asked, "Are you walking or driving?"

The Australian replied, "I'm driving!"

The Irishman said, "Aye, that'd be the quickest way!"
 

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. "Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya."

"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"

"That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guiness brewery..."

"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me..."

"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."

Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"

"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guiness Stout and drowned."

Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"

"Well, no Brenda... no."

"No?"

"Fact is, he got out three times to pee."
 

Kate was walking down the street after she had just gone to the market.

She came upon her old best friend that she hadn't seen for 6 years , Jenny. " Jenny , what happened to you " ? She said, shocked because Jenny was in crutches and had a cast on both arms and legs and she also had a neck brace.

" Well "... Jenny said . " I was picking berries in the woods to make jam and I came upon a frog. I was shocked because he spoke to me and he said that he needed help and if I helped him he would grant me 3 wishes , because we was magical. So , I asked him what I could do for him and he said that he needed me to bring him to my home, so I did . I put him on my bed and he told me too take of all my clothes . I thought about the wishes and I did it , after all , he was just a frog.

Suddenly , he became a gorgeous naked man lying on my bed"!

" HOW DID THAT GIVE YOU CRUTCHES "?!?!?

Jenny replied " My husband didn't believe the story about the frog".
 

Englishman, Frenchman and Irishman

An important scientific project, with a lot of money injected into it from the government took place. The aim was, "why is the head of a man's penis larger than the shaft".

An English man, was paid $300,000 pounds, and after 3 weeks of experiments, came up with the conclusion that the, head of a
man's penis is larger than the shaft, so that the man has more pleasure during sexual intercourse.

The scientists tried again, and paid a French man, $750,000, and after 2 months of expensive experiments, came up with the conclusion that the, head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft, so the the woman has more pleasure during sexual intercourse.

The scientists tried for one final time with an Irish man. He was paid with a beer and a packet of crisps, and after a quick 15 minute experiment, the Irish man concluded:

"The head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft, to stop your hand flying up and hitting you in the head".
 

Speech

An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman are all to give speeches to the Deaf Society.

All are keen to make an impression on their audience.

The Englishman goes first and to the surprise of his colleagues starts by rubbing first his chest and then his groin.

When he finishes the Scotsman and Irishman ask him what he was doing.

"Well," he explained, "By rubbing my chest I indicated breasts and thus Ladies and by rubbing my groin Iindicated balls and thus Gentlemen.

So my speech started: Ladies andGentlemen".

On his way up to the podium the Scotsman thought to himself I'll go one better than that English bastard and started his speech by making anantler symbol with his fingers above his head before also rubbing his chest and his groin.

When he finished his colleagues asked what he was doing. "Well," he explained, "By imitating antlers and then rubbing my chest and groin was starting my speech by saying Deer Ladies andGentlemen."

On his way up to the podium the Irishman thought to himself I'll go one further than those mainland bastards and started his speech by making anantler symbol above his head, rubbing his chest, and then his groin, and then masturbating furiously.

When he finished his colleagues asked himwhat he was doing.

"Well," he explained, "by imitating antlers, rubbing my chest and then my groin and then masturbating I was starting my speech by saying Deer Ladies and Gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure......"
 

At a wedding just outside Cavan in Ireland, everyone got pissed and the bride's and groom's families wrecked the reception room and generally kicked the crap out of each other.

The Police got called in to break up the fight. The following week, all members of both families appeared in court. The fight continued in the court room until the Judge finally bought calm with the use of his hammer, shouting, "Silence in Court!"

The court room went silent and Paddy, the best man, stood up and said, "Judge, I was the best man at the wedding and I think I should explain what happened."

The Judge agreed and asked Paddyto take the stand.

Paddy began his explanation by telling the court that it is traditional in a Cavan wedding that the Best Man gets the first dance with the Bride.Paddy said, "After I had finished the first dance, the music kept going, so I continued dancing to the second song, and after that the music kept going and I was dancing to the third song, when all of a sudden the groom leapt over the table, ran towards us and gave the bride an unmerciful kick in her privates."

The Judge instantly responded, "God...that must of hurt!"

Paddyreplied "Hurt! He broke three of me fucking fingers!"
 

A golfer in Ireland hit a bad hook into the woods. Looking for the ball, he discovered a Leprechaun flat on his back, a big bump on his head, and the golfer's ball beside him. Horrified, the golfer took his water bottle from his belt and poured it over the little guy, reviving him. "Arrgh! Wha happen?" the leprechaun says. "Oh, I see. Waal, ye got me fair and square. Ye get three wishes. Whaddya want?"

"Thank God, you're all right!" the golfer answers in relief. "I don't want anything. I'm glad you're okay, and I apologize. I didn't mean to hit you." And the golfer walks off.

"What a nice guy," the leprechaun says to himself. "But it was fair and square that he got me, and I have to do something for him. I'll give him three things I would want --- a great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life."

A year goes by (as it does in jokes like this) and the golfer is back, hits another bad ball into the woods and finds the leprechaun waiting for him.

"'Twas me that made ye hit the ball here," the little guy says. "I wanted to ask ye, how's yer golf game?"

"That's the first bad ball I've hit in a year! I'm a famous international golfer now," the golfer answers. "By the way, it's good to see you're all right."

"Oh, I'm fine now, thakee. I did that fer yer golf game. And tell me, how's yer money?"

"Why, I win fortunes in golf. But if I need cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull out $100 bills all day long."

"I did that fer ye. And how's yer sex life?"

"The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment, and says shyly, "Errr, all right, I suppose." "C'mon, c'mon now. I'm wanting to know if I did a good job. How many times a day?" Blushing even more, the golfer whispers, "Once -- sometimes twice a week."

"What!" says the leprechaun in shock. "That's all? Once or twice a week?"

"Well," says the golfer, "I figure that's not too bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish."
 

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. "Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya."

"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"

"That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."

"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me.."

"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."

Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"

"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."

"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"

"Well, no Brenda... no.? Fact is, he got out three times to pee."
 

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.

He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"

She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night.

"The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"

She says, "That he did, Father.."

The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"

She says, "He said, 'Please Mary, put down that gun...
 

A couple is attending an Art exhibit and they arelooking at a portrait that has them a little takenaback. The picture depicts 3 very black, very naked men sitting on a park bench; 2 have a black penis and the one in the middle has a pink penis.

As the couple is looking somewhat puzzled at the picture, the Irish artist walks by and says, "Can Ihelp you with this painting? I'm the artist who painted it."

The man says "Well, we like the painting but don't understand why you have 3 African men on a bench, and the one in the middle has a pink penis, while the
other two have a black penis."

The Irish artist says, "Oh you are misinterpreting the painting. They're not African men, they are Irish coal miners and the one in the middle went home for lunch."
 

He failed the test because he couldn't find the steering wheel!
 

Did you hear about the Irish guy who thought that Alcoholics Anonymous meant drinking under an assumed name?
 

An Irishman, an Italian, and a Polish guy are in a bar.

They are having a good time and all agree that the bar is a nice place.

Then the Irishman says, "Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I come from, back in Dublin, there's a better one. At MacDougal's, you buy a drink, you buy another drink, and MacDougal himself will buy your third drink!"

The others agree that sounds like a nice place.

Then the Italian says, "Yeah, that's a nice bar, but where I come from, there's a better one. Over in Brooklyn, there's this place, Vinny's. At Vinny's, you buy a drink, Vinny buys you a drink. You buy anudda drink, Vinny buys you anudda drink."

Everyone agrees that sounds like a great bar.

Then the Polish guy says, "You think that's great? Where I come from, there's this place called Warshowski's. At Warshowski's, they buy you your first drink, they buy you your second drink, they buy you your third drink, and then, they take you in the back and get you laid!"

"Wow!" say the other two. "That's fantastic! Did that actually happen to you?"

"Well, no, but it happened to my sister!"
 

A Jewish man, a Scotsman, and an Irish man died and were condemned to Hell.

The devil approached them and said, " If one of you, just one of you, can name one thing I can't do, I will spare you all."

The Jewish man pointed to a mountain and said, "Turn that mountain to gold!"

The devil snapped his fingers, and it was done.

The Scotsman pointed to a river and said, "Turn that river to brandy."

The devil snapped his fingers and it was done.

The devil turned to the Irish man and said, "This is your last chance to save you all."

The Irish man blew a big fart, and said: "Paint itGREEN!"
 

Here's an Irish Toast.....May you live to be a hundred and may the last face you see, be mine!
 

In Ireland there is a mental institution that every year picks two of its most reformed patients and questions them. If they get the questions right they are free to leave.

This year the two lucky paitents were Patty and Mike.

They were called down to the office and left there by the orderly. They were told to wait as the doctor got their files. The doctor came out and motioned for Patty to come in for her questioning.

When Patty came into the office she was instructed to sit in the seat across from the doctor."Patty, you know the tradition of this institution so I imagine you know why you are here. You will be asked two questions, and if you get them right, you will be free to go. Do you understand all that you have been told?" said the doctor with a rather sly grin.

Patty nodded, and the doctor began to question her.The first question was this:

"Patty, if I was to poke out one of your eyes, what would happen?"

"I would be half blind of course," Patty answered without much thought.

"What would happen if I poked out the other eye?"

"I would be completely blind," said Patty knowing that she had just gotten her freedom.

The doctor then sent her outside while he drew up the paperwork and accessed Mike's files.

When Patty got into the waiting room however, she told Mike what the questions would be and what the correct answers were.

The doctor calls in Mike and he followed the same procedure that he had with Patty.

"Mike, the first question is what would happen if I cut off your ear?"

"I would be blind in one eye," he said remembering what he had been told.

This received a perplexed look from the doctor but he just simply asks the other question so that he could figure out what the man was thinking.

"Mike, what would happen if I cut off your other ear?"

"I would be completely blind," he answered with a smile as if he knew he had passed.

But then the doctor asked him what his reasoning was, and Mike said flatly, "Me hat would fall down over me eyes."

 

The court room goes silent and Paddy (the best man) stands up and says, "Judge, I was the best man at the wedding and Ithink I should explain what happened".

The Judge agrees and asks Paddy to take the stand.

Paddy begins his explanation by telling the court that it istraditional in a Cavan wedding that the Best Man gets the first dance with the Bride.

"Well", said Paddy, "After I had finished the first dance, the music kept going, so I continued dancing to the second song, and after that the music kept going and I was dancing to the third song.. when all of a sudden the Groom leapt over the table, ran towards us and gave the Bride an unmerciful kick in her privates".

The Judge instantly responded, "God that must of hurt!" Paddy replies "HURT!.. He broke three of my f**king fingers!"
 

How can one pick an Irish cock sucker out of a group of
cock suckers?

He is the one with feathers in his mouth.

 

MacAndrews was visiting his Irish cousin, O'Bannon.

While there he decided to do a bit of fishing. As he sat there one afternoon, his cousin walked by."What are ye doing?" asked O'Bannon.

"Fishin'," said MacAndrews.

"Caught anything?""Ach, nae a bite,"

"What are ye usin' fer bait?"

"Worms."

"Let me see it," said O'Bannon.

MacAndrews lifted the line from the water and handed it to his cousin.

O'Bannon took out his flask of potcheen and dipped the worm in it.

He handed it back to MacAndrews, who cast his line once more.

As soon as the worm hit the water, his rod bent over double, the line screaming out.

"Have ye got a bite?" asked O'Bannon.

"No!" shouted MacAndrews, fighting with the rod, "The worm's got a salmon by the throat!
 

In America, they say:"It's 10:00 - Do you know where your children are?"

In England, they say:"It's 10:00 - Do you know where your wife is?"

In France, they say:"It's 10:00 - Do you know where your husband is?"

In Ireland, they say:"It's 10:00 - Do you know what time it is?"

A group of Americans is touring Ireland. One of the women in the group is a real curmudgeon, constantly complaining: "The bus seats are uncomfortable. The food is terrible. It's too hot. It's too cold. The accommodations are awful."

One day, the group arrives at the site of the famous Blarney Stone. "Good luck will be followin' ya all your days if you kiss the Blarney Stone," their guide says. "Unfortunately, it's being cleaned today and so no one will be able to kiss it. Perhaps we can come back
tomorrow."

"We can't be here tomorrow," the nasty woman shouts. "We have some other boring tour to go on. So I guess we can't kiss the stupid stone."

"Well now," the guide says, "it is said that if you kiss someone who has kissed the stone, you'll have the same good fortune."

"And I suppose you've kissed the stone?" the woman scoffs.

"No, ma'am," the frustrated guide responds. "But I have sat on it."

An old man lived alone in Ireland. He wanted to spade his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, who would have helped him, was in Long Kesh Prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and mentioned his predicament.

Shortly, he received this reply, "For HEAVEN'S SAKE, Dad, don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the GUNS!"

At 4 A.M. the next morning, a dozen British soldiers showed up and dug up the entire garden, without finding any guns.

Confused, the old man wrote another note to his son telling him what happened, and asking him what to do next. His son's reply was: "Now plant your potatoes, Dad. It's the best I could do at this time."
 

Q: Why don't Irish men ever exercise?

A: They figure if God had wanted them to bend over, He would have put booze on the floor.

 

The case concerned a will and Kelly was a witness.

"Was the deceased," asked the attorney, "In the habit of talking to himself when he was alone?"

"I don't know," said the Irishman.

"Come now man, you don't know and yet you pretend you were intimately acquainted with the deceased?"

"Well, Mr. Lawyer," said Kelly, "I never happened to be with him
when he was alone. "

 

A good Irish man, John O'Reilly, met regularly with his toastmasters club.

One evening they were hitting the Guinness Stout and having a contest at who could make the best toast.

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said," Here's to spending the rest of me life, Between the legs of me wife!" That won him the top prize for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night."

She said, "Aye, what was your toast?"

John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, Sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh that is very nice indeed, John!," Mary said.

The next day Mary ran into one of John's toasting buddies on the street corner.

The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the
other night with a toast about you Mary."

She said, "Aye and I was a bit surprised meself! You know, he's only been there twice! Once he fell asleep and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.

 

Johnny Patterson, the famous Irish clown, lay critically ill. The doctor, having done all he could, closed his medicine case and prepared to leave.

"I'll see you in the morning , Johnny," he said cheerfully.

Instinctively, the dying clown smirked and gave his eye a professional roll that had helped launch many a quip. "Sure, doc," he murmured, "but will I see you?"

 

Two Irishmen in a bar and one said to the other.

"Hey! Can you tell me what the date is please?"

"No idea." says the other.

"But you've got a newspaper in your pocket," he says.

"Sorry mate, its no use, it's yesterday's!"

 

Paddy took another huge gulp of his Guinness and said, "I'm drinkin' to the memory of me dear departed wife. She was a saint on earth. She went to church every single morning, spent her days readin' and quotin' from the Scriptures, sang hymns and psalms all evenin', filled our house with religious statues, relics and paintin's, and invited priests and nuns to dinner 5 times a week."

"She sounds like a pure angel," the other man commented, "I suppose the good Lord took her early to Himself."

"Oh! Jasus and Mary, no," Paddy the Irishman replied. "I strangled the useless, pious bitch!".

 

"May those that love us, love us
And those that don't love us
May God turn their hearts;
And if he doesn't turn their hearts,
May he turn their ankles
So we'll know them by their limping"

GOD BLESS THE IRISH!

Saddam Hussein was sitting in his office wondering whom to invade next
when his telephone rang.

"Hallo, Mr. Hussein!," a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Sligo, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that weare officially declaring war on you!"

"Well, Paddy," Saddam replied, "This is indeed important news! How big isyour army?" "Right now," said Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there is myself, my cousin Sean, my next door neighbor Seamus, and the entire dart team from the pub. That makes eight!"

Saddam paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command."

"Begorra!", said Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back!" Sure enough, the
next day, Paddy called again. "Mr. Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!"

"And what equipment would that be, Paddy?" Saddam asked.

"Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor."

Saddam sighed. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 16,000 tanks and
14,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I've increased my army to 1-1/2 million since we last spoke."

"Saints preserve us!" said Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you." Sure
enough, Paddy rang again the next day. "Mr. Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We've modified Harrigan's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Pub have joined us as well!"

Saddam was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell you Paddy, that I have 10,000 bombers and 20,000 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to TWO MILLION!"

Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!", said Paddy, "I'll have to ring you back."

Sure enough, Paddy called again the next day. "Top o'the mornin', Mr. Hussein! I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war."

"I'm sorry to hear that," said Saddam. "Why the sudden change of heart?

"Well," said Paddy, "we've all had a long chat over a bunch of pints, and decided there's just no way we can feed two million prisoners."

God Bless the Irish!

Thought for the Day.......

"Taxation with representation ain't so hot either."

A scuffle started in the local one Friday night. Words were exchanged, then insults and finally blows. Bottles, glasses, people, flew through the air and Casey ended up being hit in the face by a sharp piece of glass which cut off his nose.

'Stick his nose back on and hold it with your hand,' ordered McGinty. 'And we'll get him to the hospital.'

Out into the street they flew to be greeted by sheets of rain pelting down.

Quickly they bundled the injured man along and into the casualty department.

'Will he live?' inquired the boys.

Too late,' said the doctor, 'he's a goner.'

'Was it loss of blood?' asked Finbar.

'No, he drowned. You put his nose on upside down,' sighed the doc.

 

Idly the American tourist watched the Cork man dig and turn over the soil. Eventually he called:

'Hey, buddy, what's that you're doing?'

'I'm digging potatoes, sor.'

'Potatoes? Those small things? You call them potatoes? Back home in Iowa we have potatoes ten times that size!'

'Yes, sor. But you see. We only grow them to fit our mouths!'

 

As a birthday treat Pat had taken his fiancee out for a meal at a very smart restaurant. The menu looked rather too expensive for Pat's pocket so he gradually whittled down the lady's choice to chicken and salad.

'That'll be £38 sir,' smiled the waiter.

'Thirty-eight pounds,' said Pat. 'Sure we've only had chicken and salad.'

'Yes, sir,' explained the waiter, 'but you've had chicken breasts. There's only one breast on a bird so we've had to kill two birds to serve you.'

Mumbling to himself Pat reluctantly paid the money just as his lady friend said:

'Why don't we have a cocktail? I fancy a horse's neck.'

'Well,' said Pat. I'll have the legs. They're not killing two horses!'

 

As the Reagan twins sat watching TV, on screen came the Tour de France cycle race.

'Why do they do that?' asked Paul.

'Do what?' said Peter.

'Cycle for miles and miles, up hill, down dale. Month after month, day after day. Through wind, rain, snow, ice. Why do they continually torture themselves?'

'It's because,' said Peter, 'the winner gets half a million pounds.'

'Yes,' replied Paul. 'But why do the others do it?'

 

Murphy was driving the horse and trap home from the pub on a warm summer's evening. Beside him sat Toby the labrador, great guard dog and constant friend. Suddenly the still of the evening was rent by a tremendous engine noise and round the tight bend in the country lane came a huge Mercedes car doing at least seventy miles an hour. Behind the wheel sat a red-faced Texan who chewed a fat cigar and drummed his fat fingers on the dashboard in time to the ear-splitting quadrophonic car radio. Too late the American realised he couldn't pass Murphy and the cart on the narrow tarmac strip - too late he realised he should have braked thirty yards ago.

Too late the Mercedes car smashed into the cart scattering horse, dog and Murphy to various points of the compass.

As Murphy lay in a daze bemoaning his fate, he saw the Texan go over to the stricken horse. Realising its legs were broken the Yank drew out a .45 pistol and shot the beast dead. Going over to Toby the dog, it was obvious that its back was broken - 'bang', a second shot rang out, ending Toby's misery.

With that the big Texan came over to Murphy.

'Hey buddy, are you all right?' he asked.

'As God is my judge,' muttered ashen-faced Murphy, 'I've never felt better in my life!'
 

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To all the Irish out there.

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The case concerned a will and Kelly was a witness.

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"Irish Shopping"

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"I've Lost Me Luggage"

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"Lost at Sea"

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An Irishman's Life Philosophy

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Things you might overhear at a St. Patrick Day parade:

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Irish "Personal ads" in the Dublin News

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IRISH PROVERB

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You might be a Leprechaun if...

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AN IRISH BLESSING

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IRISH ROOTS

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An Irishman's Life Philosophy

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Irish Blessings

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Irish Curses

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Irish Quotations and Quotes about Ireland

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Ireland Declares War on France

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Happy Saint Patrick's Day!

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I-RISH...

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The following is an exchange of correspondence between a customer and the Irish Railway:

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AN IRISH TOAST

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The Irish Lass

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"Irish Proverbs"

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ST. PETERSBURG, FL -

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Irish Nursing Home

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IRISH TOAST...

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Blessings! Always...

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AN IRISHMAN'S PHILOSOPHY

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