Two fellas are fishing in a boat under a bridge. One looks up and sees a funeral procession starting across the bridge. He stands up,takes off his cap, and bows his head. The procession crosses the bridge and the man puts on his cap, picks up his rod and reel, and continues fishing.

The other guy says, "That was touching. I didn't know you had it in you."

The first guy responds, "Well, I guess it was the thing to do - after all, I was married to her for 40 years."
 

There was this 35 year old couple who had been married for 6 years.

They had a healthy and giving marriage. One morning the wife said, "I wish I was 10 again."

What the wife didn't know was that her husband had heard her while shaving in the bathroom. So at breakfast he told his wife,"Change in plans, lets take a break from spring cleaning today and go out.

"Surprised, his wife agreed. First he took her to the movies to see a sobby romance film she had been dying to see.

Next, they went to a rollerblading park and skated for hours. Afterwards, the husband took his wife to a carnival in town for the week.

They rode the Ferris wheel and bought some cotton candy and He even won her an unreasonably oversized stuffed animal.

After the carnival, they went for ice-cream and a sub. That night in bed her husband said, "So, how did it feel to be 10 again?"

His wife replied somewhat confused, "Oh honey, this morning I meant my breast Size!"
 

Differences Between The Sexes

NICKNAMES

If Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose.

If Mike, Charlie, Bob and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each
other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.

EATING OUT

When the bill arrives, Mike, Charlie, Bob and John will each throw in 20, even though it's only for 32.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back.

When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY

A man will pay 2 for a 1 item he needs.

A woman will pay 1 for a 2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

BATHROOMS

A man has six items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.

The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is
337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

ARGUMENTS

A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

CATS

Women love cats.

Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

FUTURE

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.

DRESSING UP

A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.

A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING

Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.

A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

LISTENING

What a woman says: "C'mon...This place is a mess. You and I need to clean. Your pants are on the floor and you'll have no clothes if we don't do laundry now."

What a man hears: C'MON ... blah,blah, blah YOU AND I blah, blah, blah blah, blah ON THE FLOOR blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES blah, blah, blah, blah, NOW
 

The Perfect Day (according to him and her)

The perfect day according to HER:

8:45 Wake up to hugs and kisses

9:00 5 pounds lighter on the scale

9:30 Light breakfast

11:00 Sunbathe

12:30 Lunch with best friend at outdoor cafe

1:45 Shopping

2:30 Run into boyfriend's/husband's ex - notice she's gained 30 lbs.

3:00 Facial, massage, nap

7:30 Candlelight dinner for two and dancing

10:00 Make love

11:30 Pillow talk in his big strong arms

The perfect day according to HIM:

10:00 Wake up

10:02 Oral sex

10:10 Big Breakfast

11:30 Drive up coast in Ferrari with gorgeous babe with big hooters

2:15 Enormous lunch

3:15 Oral sex

3:25 Play sports with the guys

4:30 Drink beer with the guys

6:30 Meet Claudia Schiffer

6:40 Oral sex

6:50 Huge dinner, more beer

11:00 Full on, get down, gorilla sex

11:10 Sleep
 

An eighty-five-year-old couple, married for almost sixty years, died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years, mainly as a result of her interest in health food and exercise.

When they reached the Pearly Gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion, which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and a master bath suite with a sauna and Jacuzzi. As they "oohed and aahed" the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. "It's free," Peter replied. "This is heaven."

Next they went out back to survey the championship golf course that the home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges every day, and each week the course would change to new one that represented one of the great golf courses on Earth. The old man asked, "What are the green fees?" Peter's reply: "This is
heaven; you play for free."

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisines of the world laid out. "How much to eat?" asked the old man. "Don't you understand yet? This is heaven; it is free!" Peter replied with some exasperation. "Well, where are the low-fat and low-cholesterol tables?" the old man asked timidly. Peter lectured, "That's the best part: You can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is heaven."

With that, the old man threw down his hat, stomped on it, and shrieked wildly. Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong. The old man looked at his wife and said, "This is all your fault. If it weren't for your blasted
bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!"
 

Two elderly residents, one male and one female, were sitting alone in the lobby of their nursing home one evening.

The old man looked over and said to the old lady,

"I know just what you're wanting, and for $5 I'll have sex with you right over there in that rocking chair."

The old lady looked surprised but didn't say a word.

The old man continued, "For $10 I'll do it with you on that nice soft sofa over there, but for $20 I'll take you back to my room, light some candles and give you the most romantic evening you've ever had in your life.

The old lady still says nothing but after a couple minutes, starts digging down in her purse.

She pulls out a wrinkled $20 bill and holds it up. "So you want the nice romantic evening in my room," says the old man.

"Hell no!" replies the old lady. "I want it four times in the rocking chair." 
 

His and Her ATM     

HIM:
1. Pull up to ATM
2. Insert card
3. Enter PIN number and account
4. Take cash, card and receipt

HER:
1. Pull up to ATM
2. Check makeup in rearview mirror
3. Shut off engine
4. Put keys in purse
5. Get out of car b/c stopped too far from machin
6. Hunt for card in purse
7. Insert card
8. Hunt in purse for tampon wrapper with PIN number written on it
9. Enter PIN number
10. Study instructions for at least 2 minutes
11. Hit "cancel"
12. Re-enter correct PIN number
13. Check balance
14. Look for envelope
15. Look in purse for pen
16. Make out deposit slip
17. Endorse checks
18. Make deposit
19. Study instructions
20. Make cash withdrawal
21. Get in car22. Check makeup
23. Look for keys
24. Start car25. Check makeup
26. Start pulling away
27. STOP
28. Back up to machine
29. Get out of car
30. Take card and receipt
31. Get back in car
32. Put card in wallet
33. Put receipt in checkbook
34. Enter deposits and withdrawals in checkbook
35. Clear area in purse for wallet and checkbook
36. Check makeup
37. Put car in gear, reverse
38. Put car in drive
39. Drive away from machine
40. Travel 3 miles
41. Release parking brake   
 

A couple are lying in bed, the man says to his wife, "I'm going to make you the happiest woman in the world."

She replies, "I'm going to miss you."   

There was this elderly couple driving down the interstate and the woman was driving because the man had trouble seeing.

Time passes and they get pulled over by a police car.

The cop gets out of his car and walks up to the elderly couple.

He says to the woman, "Excuse me but you were speeding down through the interstate." The woman is hard of hearing so she leans over to her husband and she yells, "WHAT DID HE SAY??"

The husband replies, "He said you were speeding." The cop says to the woman, "I need to see your license."

Again the woman cannot hear the cop so she leans over to her husband and yells, "WHAT DID HE SAY???"

The husband replies, "He needs to see your license."

So the woman pulls out her license and gives it to the cop.The cop looks it over and says, "Well...your from Arkansas. Let me tell you something...I once went on a blind date in Arkansas with the most ugliest woman I've ever seen in my entire life!!"

Again, the woman can't hear him so she leans over to her husband and yells, "WHAT DID HE SAY???"

The husband says, "He said he knows you."   
 

An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough."

"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her," and he hangs up.

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this."

She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "They're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own fares... Now what do we tell them for Christmas?
 

As a new bride, Aunt Edna moved into the small home on her husband's
ranch near Snowflake. She put a shoe box on a shelf in her closet
and asked her husband never to touch it.

For 50 years Uncle Jack left the box alone, until Aunt Edna was old
and dying.

One day when he was putting their affairs in order, he found the box
again and thought it might hold something important.

Opening it, he found two doilies and $82,500 in cash. He took the
box to her and asked about the contents.

"My mother gave me that box the day we married," she explained. "She
told me to make a doily to help ease my frustrations every time I
got mad at you."

Uncle Jack was very touched that in 50 years she'd only been mad at
him twice.

"What's the $82,500 for?" he asked.

"Oh, well that's is the money I've made selling the Doilies."

One Sunday morning George burst into the living room and said, "Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Susan.

After dinner, George's dad took him aside, "Son, I have to talk with you." "Look at your mother, George. She and I have been married 30 years, she's a wonderful wife and mother, but, she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot. Susan is actually your half sister, and I'm afraid you can't marry her."

George was broken-hearted. After eight months he eventually started dating girls again. A year later he came home and very proudly announced, "Dianne said yes! We're getting married in June."

Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. "Dianne is your half sister too, George. I'm awfully sorry about this."

George was livid! He finally decided to go to his mother with the news his father had shared.

"Dad has done so much harm. I guess I'm never going to get married," he complained. "Every time I fall in love, dad tells me the girl is my half sister."

"Heheh," his mother chuckled, shaking her head, "don't pay any
attention to what he says. He's not really your father."
 

A couple is taking a stroll in a lovely meadow when they come upon a wishing well. The woman leans over, makes a wish, and throws in a quarter.

Her husband decides he wants to make a wish, also. Unfortunately, he leans over too far, falls down into the well, and drowns.

The woman stands there shaken for a moment, and then exclaims, "HOLY COW, IT WORKS!!!
 

A woman walked into the doctors and said, "My Husband Is No Fun. He never wants love, never wants sex. Everytime I ask him to shag me it's not the usual "I'll think about it," it's just a blatent "No!" He hides his dick from me, he sleeps in bed with
his pyjamas on, he never gets an erection. His sex life is simply awful."

The doctor said, "I think you need to give him this viagra pill," and handed him a yellowish coloured pill.

"No no no no no no no! He won't take it. He's awful with pills and he dosen't want to be aroused," the woman replied.

The doctor said, "Just stick in his tea then. he won't notice."

The woman replied, "He dosen't like tea."

"What does he like then? Coffee?" the doctor asked.

"Yes," the woman replied.

"OK," the doctor said. "Come back when you've tried it."

So within the next week she was back.

"It was awful," she replied. "He climbed on me as if he was in a trance. He kept going on and on about how much he wanted to shag me and to lick my cunt. He felt my tits, snogged me against my will and even got his dick out of his fly and stuck it in my face."

"Hmmmmmm," the doctor replied. "Well how can that be really bad?
It was what you wanted wasn't it?"

"Yes," the woman replied. "But I don't think it'd be a good idea to show my face in McDonalds again."
 

A man was reading the paper one day when an ad caught his eye.

It said, brand new porsche: red with white leather interior for sale only 100 dollars.

The man thought to himself its very unusual to find a porsche for sale for only 100 dollars but he decided it was worth a shot.

Sure enough the lady had the porsche for sale for only 100 dollars and it was almost new.

He asked if he could take it for a test drive and found the the car drove perfectly.

He went back to the lady's house and asked why she was selling the car for so little money.

She said my husband ran away with his secretary and said I could keep everything.

I just had to sell his car and give the money to him..
 

Ma and Pa are sitting on the porch swing one evening enjoying the warm breeze and the night sounds. Suddenly, for no reason at all, Ma hauls off and slaps Pa up side the head so hard he falls off the swing.

Dazed, Pa gets up and asks, "What the hell was that for?"

To which Ma replies, "That's for 20 years of bad sex!"

Pa says nothing and gets back on the swing.

About 5 minutes of silence later, he hauls off and slaps Ma up side the head equally hard.

Ma gets up dazed and asks, "What was that for?"

To which Pa replies, "That's for knowing the damn difference.
 

There was an older man who'd married a younger woman. All was going well... except in the bedroom.

He couldn't last long enough to satisfy her.

She said it didn't matter but he knew it was getting her down. So he went to the doctor and asked for help.

The doctor said 'Well, there's one easy solution. Before you have intercourse with your wife, satisfy yourself first, that way you'll last longer when you're with her.'

The next day the man gets a call from his wife while he's at work. In a husky voice she tells him 'I'm going to ravish you when you get home tonight. We're going to have a mammoth sex session.'

The man can't concentrate on work for the rest of the day and finally 5:30 comes round and he's the first out of the office, eager to get back to his wife.

While he's driving he remembers his doctor's advice.

So he pulls over onto a quiet road. But he can't just sit there in his car having a wack, so he decides he'll lie under the car and pretend that he's fixing he car. He crawls under the car, closes his eyes, imagines his wife naked and starts wacking.

After a while he feels something tugging at jeans and this voice says:

'Sir, this is the Police, would you mind telling us what you're doing?' Not wanting to lose this wonderful image of his wife he kept his eyes closed and said to the Policeman:

'I'm just fixing the axle of my car."

To which the Policeman replied 'Well while you're down there you'd better check the brakes as well, because your car has crashed into a tree half a mile down the road!'

 

The newly-married husband came home from the office to find his young wife in floods of tears.

"Darling, whatever is the matter?" he asks.

"Sweetheart," she sobs, "the most terrible thing has happened! Icooked my very first Beef Bourguignon for you, and I got it out of the oven to season it, and the phone rang. When I came back from answering the phone," she sobbed again, "I found that the cat had eaten it!"

"Don't worry, darling," said her husband. "Don't cry. we'll get a new cat in the morning."
 

The girl,demanding sex, suggested that he go to his doctor and see what he could do.

The old man went to his doctor and sure enough the doctor had a solution. He had a very expensive shot that could make him have an erection. All he had to do was say "honk" to have an erection and "honk honk" to make it go down.

But he could only use it three times both ways. When the old man got back to his limo he was rather curious. Knowing that he wouldn't have to use it that much longer because he was getting old enough and closer to his final resting place, he said "honk" and it went up. He then said "honk honk" and it went down.

Rather anxious to show his young beautiful wife he got out of the car and proceeded to his mansion. Then suddenly a car honked it's horn and it went up, another car honked twice and it went down.

Worried because he only had one more time to use it he tried run to his mansion. He finally got to his room where she was waiting. He tore off his clothes then hers and said honk.

Curious, his wife asked, "What's with all this honk honk crap?"
 

The 70-year old groom and the 25-year old bride attracted raised eyebrow attention as they checked into the resort hotel.

Next morning at eight sharp, the groom came into the dining room whistling a gay tune, sat down at a table and ordered ham and eggs. The smile on his face and the twinkle in his eye told everybody present that he was happy and confident.

Fifteen minutes later the young bride slowly trudged into the dining room and seated herself across from her 70-year old. Her face was drawn and her voice weak as she ordered toast and coffee.

The groom, now finished, excused himself and strolled into the lobby for his morning cigar.

As the waitress approached with the bride's toast and coffee, she said, "Honey, I don't understand it. Here you a young bride with an old husband, looking like you've encountered a buzz saw."

"That guy," said the bride, "double crossed me. He told me he saved up for 60 years and I thought he was talking about money!"
 

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating,the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.

The two elderly gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant, and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly."

The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?"

The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is
the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... theone that is red and has thorns."

"Do you mean a rose?"

"Yes," the man said. He turned toward the kitchen and yelled, "Rose,
what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"

 

A man returned home from the night shift and went straight up to the bedroom and found his wife with the sheet pulled over her head, fast asleep.

Not to be denied, the horny husband crawled under the sheet and proceeded to make love to her.

Afterward, as he hurried downstairs for something to eat, he was startled to find breakfast on the table and his wife pouring coffee. "How'd you get down her so fast?" he asked. "We were just making love!"

"Oh my God," his wife gasped, "That's my mother up there! She came over early and had complained of having a headache.

I told her to lie down for awhile." Rushing upstairs, the wife ran to the bedroom. "Mother, I can't believe this happened. Why didn't you say something?"

The mother-in-law huffed, "I haven't spoken to that jerk for fifteen years and I wasn't about to start now!"
 

The wife comes home and has $5000 in cash.

When her husband asks, "Where did that come from?" She replies, "I won it in a lottery!"

To which he replies, "That's great! Let's go celebrate."

The next day she comes home with a full-length mink coat.

Again the husband asks, "Where did that come from?"

She says, "I couldn't believe it! Another lottery ticket came through for me!!"

The next day she comes in, looking tired, wearing a two-carat diamond ring.

The husband says, "I know. You won the lottery, right?" She replies, "Why, yes, as a matter of fact, I did. Honey, would you draw me a bath? Please?"

"Sure," he answers.

So, the guy goes in and starts drawing the bath water for his wife. After he gets a quarter inch of water in the bottom of the tub, he turns off the water. "Your tub is ready."

He calls to his wife. She starts to get in the tub and looks at him, dismayed, and asks, "Why is there only a quarter inch of water in here?"

To which he loudly replies, "I wouldn't want you to get your lottery ticket wet!"
 

A couple just started their Lamaze class and they were given an activity requiring the husband to wear a bag of sand to give him an idea of what it feels like to be pregnant. The husband stood up and shrugged saying, "This doesn't feel so bad."

The instructor then dropped a pen and asked the husband to pick it up.

"You want me to pick up the pen as if I were pregnant, the way my wife would do it?" the husband asked.

"Exactly," replied the instructor.

To the delight of the other husbands, he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, pick up that pen for me."
 

A newlywed couple were spending their honeymoon in a remote log cabin resort way up the mountains.

They had registered on Saturday and had not been seen since for 5 days.

An elderly couple ran the resort, and they were getting concerned about the welfare of these newlyweds. The old man decided to go and see if they were all right.

He knocked on the door of the cabin and a weak voice from inside answered. The old man asked if they were OK.

"Yes, we're fine." came the reply "We're living on the fruits of love".

The old man replied, "I thought so ... by the way, would you mind not throwing the peelings out the window ... they're choking my ducks!"
 

An old man woke up in the middle of the night and found, to his astonishment, that his pecker was as hard as a rock for the first time in two years.

He shook his wife’s shoulder til she woke up and showed her his enormous boner.

"You see that thing, woman?" he happily exclaimed. "What do you think we ought to do with it?"

With one eye open, his wife replied, "Well, now that you've got all the wrinkles out, this might be a good time to wash it."
 

This guy was looking at TV as his wife was out cutting the grass during the hot summer (as it should be, right?) and he went out to ask his wife what was for supper.

Well, his old lady was quite irritated about him sitting in the air conditioned house all day, looking at the babes in the tight spandex, doing their exercises, so she shot back at him

"Think of me as dead and do what you would do if I was."

The man went back in the house and fixed him a big steak, potato and a big glass of tea.

She walked in about the time he was finishing up and asked him "So you fixed something to eat?

Where is mine?"

He looked at her in surprise. "Yours??? What do you mean yours? I thought you were dead."
 

Husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary.

The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever'."

"Yeah" she replies, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.'"
 

The old couple were planning to go on a second honeymoon for their 50th wedding anniversary.

The old woman said, "We will go to all the same places that we did on our first honeymoon."

"Uh huh," said the old man.

"We will do all the things that we did on our first honeymoon," said the old woman.

"Uh huh," said the old man.

"And we will make love like we did on our first honeymoon," said the old woman.

"That's right," said the old man......

"except this time I get to sit on the side of the bed and cry, 'It's too big, it's too big!'"
 

Rated G ::

A husband, proving to his wife that women talk more than men, showed her a study which indicated that men use on the average only 15,000 words a day, where as women use 30,000 words a day.

She thought about this for awhile and then told her husband that women use twice as many words as men because they have to repeat everything they say.

He said, "What?"
 

Two men are talking over the telephone..
.
“Ever since we got married, my wife has tried to change me.

She got me to stop drinking, smoking and running around until all hours of the night.

She taught me how to dress well, enjoy the fine arts, gourmet cooking, classical music, even how to invest in the stock market.”

“Sounds like you may be bitter because she changed you so drastically,” remarked his friend.

“I’m not bitter. Now that I’m so improved, she just isn’t good enough for me.”
 

A man had to attend a large convention in Chicago. On this particular trip he decided to bring his wife.

When they arrived at their hotel and were shown to their room, the man said: "You rest here while I register for the convention - I'll be back within an hour."

The wife lies down on the bed ... just then, an elevated train passes by very close to the window and shakes the room so hard she's thrown out of the bed.

Thinking this must be a freak occurrence, she lies down once more.

Again a train shakes the room so violently, she's pitched to the floor.

Exasperated, she calls the front desk, asks for the manager. The manager says he'll be right up.

The manager (naturally) is skeptical but the wife insists the story is true.

"Look, ... lie here on the bed -- you'll be thrown right to the floor!"

So he lies down next to the wife. Just then the husband walks in. "What," he says, "are you doing here?"

The manager calmly replies, "Would you believe I'm waiting for a train?
 

An elderly couple was on a cruise and it was really stormy.

They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard.

They searched for days and couldn't find her, So the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something.

Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat.

It read: Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her very most private part was an oyster and inside there was a pearl worth $ 50,000... please advise.

The old man faxed back: Send me the pearl and rebait the trap.
 

A husband and wife go visit a marriage counselor.

First, the wife speaks to the counselor alone.

The counselor asks, "You say you've been married 20 years, so what seems to be the problem?"

The wife replies, "It's my husband -- he's driving me crazy! I'm going to leave him if he continues!"

"How does he drive you crazy?"

"For 20 years," she says, "he's been doing these stupid things.

First, whenever we go out, he's always looking at the floor and refuses to go near anyone. It's very embarrassing."

The marriage counselor is amused, "Anything else?"

"He keeps picking his nose all the time! Even in public!"

"Hmm, anything else?"

The wife hesitates, "whenever we're making love, he NEVER lets me be on top! Once in a while, I'd like to be in control!"

"Ah," says the counselor, "I think I'll talk to your husband now."

So the wife goes out of the room and the husband enters.

The counselor tells him, "Your wife says that you've been driving her crazy. She might even leave you."

The husband looks shocked, "WHAT? For 20 years I've been loving and considerate and I've always given her what she wants! What could be the problem?"

The counselor explains, "She says that you've got these habits that are driving her crazy. First, you're always acting strange in public--looking at the floor and never going near anyone else."

The husband looks concerned, "Oh, you don't understand! It's one of the few things my father told me to do on his death bed and I swore I'd obey everything he said."

"What did he say?"

"He said that I should never step on anyone's toes!"

The counselor looks amused, "Actually, that means that you should not do anything that would cause anyone else to get angry."

The husband looks sheepish, "Oh. Okay."

The counselor continues, "And you keep picking your nose in public."

"Well, its another thing my father specifically commanded me to do! He told me to always keep my nose clean."

The counselor looks faint, "That means that you should not indulge in any criminal activity."

"Oh," says the husband looking very stupid.

"And finally, she says that you never allow her to be on top during your lovemaking."

"This," says the husband seriously, "is the last thing my father ever commanded me to do, he was on his deathbed when he told me, and it's the most important thing."

"What did he say?"

The husband replies, “He said, 'Don't screw up.'"
 

Already the Mother of two rambunctious boys, the husband was thrilled when the doctor announced they were going to have twins this time.

He told his wife that she should start thinking of names.

"Well, let's see." she said. "We already have Adolph and Rudolph.

How about Getoff and Stayoff ?"
 

Mrs. Foggybottom was reading a letter at breakfast.

Suddenly she looked up suspiciously at her husband.

"Harry," she said, "I've just received a letter from mother saying she isn't accepting our invitation to come and stay, since we do not appear to want her.

What does she mean by that? I asked you to write and say that she was to come at her convenience. You did write, didn't you?"

"Er, yes, I did," said the husband with a smile, "but I couldn't spell 'convenience,' so I changed that last word to 'risk'."
 

A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary.

The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife “Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our tenth child never quite looked like the rest of our children.

Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer can not take all that away. But,... I must know, did he have a different father?”

The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye, confesses “...Yes he did”

The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife was admitting hit him harder than he had expected.

With a tear in his eye he asks “Who?.. Who was he? Who was the father?”

Again the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as she tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband.

Then, finally, she says “You”.
 

A man with a black eye, boards a plane bound for Pittsburgh and sits down. He immediately notices that the man next to him also has a black eye and says, "Hey this is a coincidence, we both have black eyes; mind if I ask how you got yours?"

The other guy replies, "Well, it was a tongue twister accident. I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with the most beautiful large breasts was there. So, instead of saying, 'I'd like two tickets to Pittsburgh,' I accidentally said, 'I'd like twopickets to Tittsburgh.'...and she socked me a good one."

The first guy replied, "Wow! This is unbelievable. Mine was a tongue twister too. I was at the breakfast table and I wanted to say to my wife, 'Please pour me a cup of coffee honey.' But I accidentally said, 'You have ruined my life you evil, self-centered, fat-assed, bitch'
 

A young woman was preparing for her wedding. She asked her mother to go out and buy a nice long black negligee and carefully place it in her suitcase so it would not wrinkle. 

Well, Mom forgot until the last minute.

So she dashed out and could only find a short pink nighty.

She bought it and threw it into the suitcase.

After the wedding the bride and groom enter their hotel room.

The groom was a little self-conscious so he asked his new bride to change in the bathroom and promise not to peek while he got ready for bed. 

While she was in the bathroom, the bride opened her suitcase and saw the negligee her mother had thrown in there.

She exclaimed, "Oh no! It's short, pink, and wrinkled!"

"I told you not to peek," whined the groom.
 

Who is it’s Now?

The scene was a tiny mountain village in a remote section of West Virginia.

An old mountaineer and his young wife were getting a divorce in the local court.

But custody of the children was a problem. The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she had brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.

The old mountaineer also wanted custody of the children.

The judge asked for his side of the story and, after a long moment of silence, the mountaineer slowly rose from his chair and said, "Judge, when I put a quarter in a candy machine and a candy bar comes out, does it belong to me or the machine?"
 

A young couple got married and went away on their honeymoon.

After 2 weeks they came back and finally put away all of the presents they received from friends and family.

Since this was a new home, the process took some time.

The silver went into the closet, items were put on the walls for display and some of the more intimate apparel was put in the bedroom drawers.

A week later, they received in the mail two tickets for a popular show where tickets were impossible to get.

They were very excited and warmed by the gesture of the person who sent this. Inside the envelope, however, was only a small piece of paper with a single line.

"Guess who sent them."

The pair had much fun trying to identify the donor, but failed in the effort.

They went to the theatre, and had a wonderful time.

On their return home late at night, still trying to guess the identity of the unknown host, they found the house stripped of every article of value. And on the bare table in the dining-room was a piece of paper on which was written in the same hand as the enclosure with the tickets:

"Well, now you know!"
 

One night, as a couple retire to bed, the husband turns to his wife and begins caressing her.

"I'm sorry darling," says the wife, "I've got an appointment with the gynecologist tomorrow and I want to stay fresh."

The husband, feeling rejected, turns over and tries to sleep.

A few minutes later, he rolls back over and tries his luck again.

This time he whispers in her ear,

"Do you have a dentist's appointment tomorrow too?"
 

Arriving home unexpectedly early from a business trip, the tired executive was shocked to discover his wife in bed with his next door neighbor.

"Since you are in bed with my wife," the furious man shouted, "I'm going over and sleep with yours!"

"Go right ahead," was the reply. "The rest will do you good."
 

"His family wasn't too pleased about our engagement," sighed the party girl to her roommate. "In fact, his wife was furious."

*************************************************************************

This old man in his eighty's got up and was putting on his coat.

His wife said, "Where are you going ?"

He said, "I'm going to the doctor."

And she said, "Why? Are you sick?"

"No," he said. "I'm going to get me some of those new Viagra pills."

So his wife got up out of her rocker and was putting on her sweater and he said, "Where are you going?"

She said, "I'm going to the doctor too."

He said, "Why?"

She said, "If you're going to start using that rusty old thing again, I'm going to get a tetanus shot."
 

Some newly married friends were visiting us when the topic of children came up.

The bride said she wanted three children, while the young husband said two would be enough for him. 

They discussed this discrepancy for a few minutes until the husband thought he`d put an end to things by saying boldly, "Alright!... After our second child, I'll just have a vasectomy."

Without a moments hesitation, the bride retorted, "Well, I hope you'll love the third one as if it's your own."

 

Rated G

He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning.

"I'm not getting out of bed at this time", he thinks, and rolls over.

Then, a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife.

So he drags himself out of bed, and goes downstairs. 

He opens the door and there is man standing at the door. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk. 

"Hi there." slurs the stranger, "Can you give me a push??"

"No, get lost, it's half past three.

I was in bed." says the man and slams the door. 

He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you.

Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby-sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again?

What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost??" "But the guy was drunk." says the husband. 

"It doesn't matter." says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the right thing to help him."

So the husband out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs.

He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts:

"Hey, do you still want a push??" and he hears a voice cry out "Yeah please."

So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts:

"Where are you?" And the stranger replies: "I'm over here, on your swing."
 

A middle-aged woman was standing in front of her mirror admiring her clothing.

"Look, dear," she said to her husband, "I can still get into the same skirts I had before I got married."

"Yeah," he snorted, "I wish I could say the same."

 

A cowboy and his bride ask the hotel desk clerk for a room, telling him they just got married that morning.

"Congratulations!" says the clerk. Looking at the cowboy, he asks, "Would you like the bridal then?" 

"Naw, thanks." blushes the cowboy......"I'll just hold her by the ears till she gets the hang of it."
 

Grandma went into Victoria's Secret and wanted to buy some fancy new panties.

The saleslady talked her into buying a real nice bright red crotchless pair.

Grandma put them on and waited for grandpa to come home.

When grandpa came home, grandma was all laid out upon the bed and pointed down to the new crotchless panties she had on.

She said, "Come on grandpa, you want some of this?"

Grandpa said, "Hell no, woman. It done ate a hole in your drawers!"
 

How is a hurricane like a marriage?

At the beginning there's a lot of blowing and sucking, and when it's over your house is gone.
 

A couple just started their Lamaze class and they were given anactivity requiring the husband to wear a bag of sand to give himan idea of what it feels like to be pregnant.

The husband stoodup and shrugged saying, "This doesn't feel so bad.

The instructor then dropped a pen and asked the husband to pick it up.

"You want me to pick up the pen as if I were pregnant, the way my wife would do it?" the husband asked.

"Exactly," replied the instructor.

To the delight of the other husbands, he turned to his wife andsaid, "Honey, pick up that pen for me."
 

John and Mary has been high school sweethearts, but they never had sex.

"We'll have to wait until we're married," she tells him.

So he waits.

They are engaged three years, and finally the big day rolls around.

On their wedding night, Mary comes out of the bathroom and says, "I have some bad news. I have my period, and I don't want our first time to be all bloody!

"John says, "You're kidding, right?!"

Mary says, "We'll just have to wait a bit longer.

"Mary goes to sleep, and wakes up at 3:00 am to get a drink of water.

On her way back to bed, she notices Johnny wide awake and staring at the ceiling.

"There's no use John," she said. "You might as well go to sleep."

"I would, except my dick's so hard there's not enough skin left to close my eyes!"   
 

With all the scientific breakthroughs a doctor invented a device that if worn by the woman at the time of giving birth makes the father feel exactly what she is feeling and actually that feeling can be magnified.

When a woman goes into labor her husband decides that he can take it so he has the device turned on to 85% of what she is feeling.

After five minutes of his wife screamng in terrible pain the husband hasn't even flinched. So they turn it up to 100%... Still nothing they turn it up to 200% 250% and still nothing.

After the delivery the wife was impressed with the way her husband handled all the pain.

But when they got home they saw the mailman collapsed dead on their doorstep.
 

Three guys working on a high rise building project, Scott, Bill & Charlie.

Scott falls off from the 18th floor and is killed instantly.

As the ambulance takes the body away, Bill says,"Someone needs to go and tell his wife." Charlie says, "OK bro, I'm pretty good at that sensitive shit,I'll do it."

Two hours later, he comes back carrying a 6-pack.

Bill says, "Hey Charlie, where did you get the six?"

"Scott's wife gave it to me, Bill."

"That's unbelievable, you told the old lady her husband was dead and she gave you some fucking beer."

Bill says," Well not exactly dude. When she answered the door, I said to her; "You must be Scott's widow." She said, "No, I'm not a widow." And I said, "Wanna bet me a 6-pack bitch?"   
 

Joe walked in his house one day after work and announced his arrival to his wife.

"I'm upstairs taking a douche," his wife called out.

"I told you never to talk like that," Joe said.

"What do you want," his wife replied,"good grammar or good taste?"
 

There are three survivors from a shipwreck stranded on a deserted island.

They've been on the island for months now.

Two of them are married, Billy is the third and he's sick and tired of seeing those two making love all over the place.

What bugs Billy even more is that the wifey wants him too, but her husband won't let her.

So one day, while Billy is sitting on top of his favorite palm tree, at least 100 feet off the sand, he notices the couple sitting down and talking.

He screams down to them, "Hey you two, stop making love!"

He climbs down the tree and storms off into the forest, muttering to himself about having to watch them make love all the time.

The couple shrug their shoulders and continue with their conversation.

The next day, Billy is on top of his tree again and notices them sitting down talking again.

He screams down, "Dammit! Will you stop making love down there?!"

The husband yells back up to him, "Are you going blind? We're just talking!"

Billy climbs down the tree and apologizes, saying, "Maybe I am going blind."

Now the husband is curious and wants to see for himself so he climbs the tree.

While he's up there Billy and the wifey get a quickie in.

The husband climbs down and says, "You were right, from up there it looks like you were making love to my wife!"
 

A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack.

When he arrives home, he tells his wife about the purchase he's just made.

"Olympic condoms?" she blurts, "What makes them so special?"

"There are three colors," he explains, "gold, silver and bronze."

"So what color are you gonna wear tonight?" she asks with a grin.

"Gold of course," says the proud man.

The wife responds, "Why don't you wear silver--it would be nice if you came second for a change!"
 

One night a married lady is having passionate sex with another man at home, while her husband is out drinking with friends. In the middle of the act, they hear the front door, "I think your husbands home!" "Oh don't worry, he probably is gonna be too
drunk to tell that anyone is in the bed." she replies.

The husband walks into the room and gets in bed. After a while the husband says, "Honey, why are there six feet in the bed?" His wife replies, "No there aren't!" "Yes there are!"

"If you don't believe me then why don't you get up and count them." His wife suggests So he gets up and counts the feet in the bed, "Oh whoops there are four feet. Sorry honey."
 

A man had to attend a large convention in Chicago.

On this particular trip he decided to bring his wife. When they arrived at their hotel and were shown to their room, the man said: "You rest here while I register for the convention - I'll be back within an hour."

The wife lies down on the bed ... just then, an elevated train passes by very close to the window and shakes the room so hard she's thrown out of the bed.

Thinking this must be a freak occurrence, she lies down once more. Again a train shakes the room so violently, she's pitched to the floor.

Exasperated, she calls the front desk, asks for the manager. The manager says he'll be right up.

The manager (naturally) is skeptical but the wife insists the story is true.

"Look, ... lie here on the bed -- you'll be thrown right to the floor!"

So he lies down next to the wife.

Just then the husband walks in. "What," he says, "are you doing here?"

The manager calmly replies, "Would you believe I'm waiting for a train?
 

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.

Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Lee, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on I75. Please be careful!"

"Hell," said Lee, "it's not just one car... It's hundreds of them!"
 

Larry's barn burned down and his wife, Susan, called the insurance company.
Susan told the insurance company, "We had that barn insured for fifty thousand and I want my money."

The agent replied, "Whoa there, just a minute, Insurance doesn't work quite like that. We will ascertain the value of what was insured and provide you with a new one of comparable worth."

There was a long pause before Susan replied, "Then I'd like to cancel the policy on my husband."
 

I was sitting on my comfy chair watching a baseball game on TV, listening to another on the radio, drinking coke and scratching the dog with my foot, and my wife had the nerve to accuse me of doing nothing!
 

10. He said: I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said: You wear briefs, don't you?

9. She said: What do you mean by coming home half drunk?
He said: It's not my fault...I ran out of money.

8. He said: Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you in the worst way.
She said: Well, you succeeded.

7. He said: Two inches more, and I would be king'.
She said: Two inches less, and you'd be queen'

6. On wall in ladies room: "My husband follows me everywhere."
Written just below it: "I do not."

5. He said: Shall we try a different position tonight?"
She said: That's a good idea...you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa.

4. Priest: I don't think you will ever find another man like your late husband.
She said: Who's gonna look?

3. He said: What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said: Turn sideways and look in the mirror.

2. He said: Let's go out and have some fun tonight.
She said: Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.

1. He said: Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm?
She said: I would but you're never there.
 

Morris complained to his friend Irving, that love making with his wife was becoming routine and boring.

"Get creative Morris. Break up the monotony. Why don't you try 'playing doctor' for an hour?

That's what I do," said Irving. "Sounds great," Morris replied, "but how do you make it last for an hour?" "

Just keep her in the waiting room for 55 minutes!
 

While inspecting their honeymoon suite, the bride discovered a little box attached to the bed.  "What's this for?" she asked her husband.

"If you put a quarter in," he answered, reaching into his pocket," the bed starts vibrating.''

"Save your money," she said. “When you're a quarter in, I start vibrating.
 

This is the private diary of a Viagra housewife...

Day 1
Just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary with not much to celebrate. When it lcame time to re-enact our wedding night, he locked himself in the bathroom and cried.

Day 2
Today, he says he has a big secret to tell me. He's impotent, he says, and he wants me to be the first to know. Why doesn't he tell me something I don't know! I mean, he actually thinks I haven't noticed.

Day 3
This marriage is in trouble. A woman has needs. Yesterday, I saw a picture of Nelson's Column and burst into tears.

Day 4
A miracle has happened! There's a new drug on the market that will fix his "problem." It's called Viagra. I told him that if he takes Viagra, things will be just like they were on our wedding night. I think this will work. I replaced his Prozac with the Viagra, hoping to lift something other than his mood.

Day 5
What absolute bliss!!

Day 6
Isn't life wonderful?! But it's difficult to write while he's doing that.

Day 7
This Viagra thing has gone to his head. No pun intended! Yesterday, at Burger King, the manager asked me if I'd like a Whopper. He thought they were talking about him. But, have to admit it's very nice - I don't think I've ever been so happy.

Day 8
I think he took too many over the weekend. Yesterday, instead of mowing the lawn, he was using his new friend as a weed wacker. I'm also getting a bit sore down there.

Day 9
No time to write. He might catch me.

Day 10
Okay, I admit it. I'm hiding. I mean, a girl can only take so much. And to make matters worse, he's washing the Viagra down with neat whisky! What am I going to do? I feel tacky all over....

Day 11
I'm basically being screwed to death. It's like living with a Black and Decker drill. I woke up this morning hot-glued to the bed. Even my armpits hurt. He's a complete pig.

Day 12
I wish he was gay. I've stopped wearing make-up, cleaning my teeth or even washing but he still keeps coming after me! Even yawning has become dangerous...

Day 13
Every time I shut my eyes, there's a sneak attack! It's like going to bed with a scud missile. I can hardly walk and if he tries that "Oops, sorry" thing again, I'll kill the bastard.

Day 14
I've done everything to turn him off. Nothing is working. I even started dressing like a nun but this just seems to make him more horny. Help me!

Day 15
I think I'll have to kill him. I'm starting to stick to everything I sit on. The cat and dog won't go near him and our friends don't come over any more. Last night I told him to go and fuck himself and he did.

Day 16
The bastard has started to complain about headaches. I hope the bloody thing explodes. I did suggest he might try stopping the Viagra and going back on Prozac.

Day 17
Switched the pills but it doesn't seem to have made any difference...Christ! Here he comes again!

Day 18
He's back on Prozac. The lazy sod just sits there in front of the TV all day with that remote control in his hand and expects me to do everything for him. What absolute bliss!

 

A priest was visiting a couple who had bought a farm and were very unhappy that they didn't have any children.

"Why don't you go to Lourdes and light a candle for your intentions? ", he said. "Perhaps, you will be heard. "

The farmer left immediately for Lourdes.

Five years later, the priest was passing by the farm and saw a little girl playing with twin boys.

He asked her who she was.

" I'm the daughter of the farmer."

"Oh! You're playing with your friends ? "

"Oh, no! These are my twin brothers. "

" And the two little girls on the porch, they're your cousins ? "

"No, they're my sisters ! "

At that moment, the wife of the farmer came out on the porch.

"What a lovely family you have here !", exclaimed the priest. "Your husband must be very happy. By the way, where is he ?

I hope he didn't leave you here all alone, and being pregnant as well ! "

"Oh, yes ! He's on his way to Lourdes."

"Lourdes, what on earth for ? "

"He's going to try to put out the candle ! "
 

One afternoon a man came home from work to find total mayhem in his family's house: Their four children were outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard. The door of his
wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house.

Proceeding into the entry he found an even bigger mess: A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall. In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing. In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.

He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she may be ill, or that something serious had happened. He found her lounging in the bedroom, still curled in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked, "What happened here today?"

She again smiled and answered, "You know every day when you come home from work you ask me what in the world I did today?"

"Yes," was his incredulous reply.

She answered, "Well, today I didn't do it."
 

Wife: I just got back from the beauty shop.

Husband: What was the matter? Was it closed?
 

For his wifes 40th birthday, Al decided to take his wife to the rodeo.

He had managed to get hold of 2 V.I.P passes that would let them have a guided tour around the bull pens before the start.

Upon arrival Al and his wife were quickly taken to the Stud area to look at the male bulls. The owner was so proud of his stud farm that he used the bulls as an attraction at the rodeo.

At the first pen there was a sign outside saying: "This bull mates 12 times a year." At this Al's wife said, "Wow that's once a month, almost as much as you do darling!"

At the second pen there stood a sign saying: "This bull mates 52 times a year." At this Al's wife said, "Wow that's once a week! Thats good! We should make love more often you know Al."

At the third pen there stood a sign saying: "This bull mates 365 times a year."

Al this Al's wife said, "Oh my god, that's amazing! This bull mates every day! I wish you'd make love to me every day Al!"

Al replied, "Yeah but I bet he dosen't have to fuck the same old cow every day!"
 

Waking after a long nights sleep, a wife begins recounting her dream to her husband. "I dreamt I was at an auction for cocks," she began. "The long ones went for 50 dollars, and the meaty ones for $100."

"How about the ones like mine?" asked her husband

"Oh, they just gave those away," she replied, grinning slyly.

Miffed the husband responds, "Well I had a dream too, they were
auctioning off pussies.

The pretty ones cost $1000,, and the little tight ones went for double that."

"And how much for the ones like mine?" inquired his wife.

The man grinned. "Oh, that's where they held the auction!"
 

A groom passes down the aisle of the church to take his place by the altar and the best man notices the groom has the biggest, brightest smile on his face. The best man says, "Hey man, I know you are happy to be getting married, but what's up? You look so excited!"

The groom replies, "I just had the best blowjob I have ever had in my entire life and I am marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me."

Now the bride comes walking down the aisle and she, too, has the biggest, brightest smile on her face. The maid of honor notices this and says, "Hey, girlfriend, I know you are happy to be getting married, but what's up? You look so excited!"

The bride replies, "I have just given the last blow job of my entire life."
 

Eleven years ago a woman about 30, gathered up enough courage to go to her family doctor and express some concern that she had about her husband. 

When she walked into the doctors office, she waited patiently for the doctor to arrive

When she walked in the doctor greeted her with "How are you feeling today?" 

She responded "Its not me with the problem its my husband."
  
The doctor asked "Well whats wrong with him?"

She said "Well, in his somewhat early years of age, he has gone impotent and can no longer have sex with me."

The doctor answered "Its a very easy problem to solve.  I'll just prescibe him a bottle of extra strengh viagra, and when you run out just come back and i'll write you another prescription.

The woman said thank you and left. On her way home she stopped at the pharmacy and the woman picked up her husbands prescription.

When she got home, she showed the bottle of extra strengh viagra to her husband and he became ecstatic, so they ran straight upstairs and decided to take a test run.

It was fantastic!! She couldn't believe it was her husband, she never had it so hard before. They made love every night for a month, and by then they run out of viagra.

The woman got into her car and went to the doctor, who gave her a permanent prescription so she wouldn't have to come back and pay for visits, then she proceeded to go to her pharmicist and get it filled.

On the way home, she was stricken by an idea, she was going to convince her husband to take more then one pill a night. That
night, he took two pills.

It was even better. So the next night he took three, then four then five a night.  He kept taking five for months and months, then years.

Eleven years later, a small boy of about ten walked into the doctors office.  The boy walked in with a very grim and angry face and asked the woman if she was the same doctor who prescribed viagra to a woman for her husband eleven years ago.

The doctor responded positively and then the boys face became even more sour.

He told the doctor with a very matter of fact voice "Because of you, my mother died of a heart-attack, my sister's pussy is bleeding, my ass hurts, and my father is in the corner of ourhouse yelling 'Kitty, Kitty Kitty.'"
 

Matt and his secretary are having an affair.

They decide to leave the office early one day and go to the secretary's apartment for an afternoon of lovemaking.

They fall asleep and don't wake up until 8PM later that night. They quickly get dressed and the man asks his secretary to take his shoes and go rub them in the grass.

The secretary thinks this is pretty weird, but she does it anyway.

The man finally goes home and his wife meets him at the door. The wife is very upset and asks him where he has been.

The husband replies, "I can not tell a lie. My secretary and I are having an affair. We left work early today, went to her place, made love all afternoon, and then we fell asleep.

That's why I'm late!" The wife looks at him, takes notice of his shoes and says, "I see those grass stains all over your shoes. You've been playing golf again, haven't you!"
 

Two cannibals, a father and son, were elected by the tribe to go out and get something to eat.

They walked deep into the jungle and waited by a path.

Before long, along came this little old man. The son said, "OOh dad, there's one." "No," said the father. "There's not enough meat on that one to feed the dogs.

We'll just wait." Well, a little while later, along came this really fat woman.

The son said, "Hey dad, she's plenty big enough."

"No," the father said. "We'd all die of a heart attack from the fat in that one.

We'll just wait." About an hour later, here comes this absolutely gorgeous woman.

The son said, "Now there's nothing wrong with that one dad. Let's eat her."

"No," said the father. "We'll not eat her either."

"Why not?" asked the son. "Because, we're going to take her back alive and eat your mother."
 

A wife went to the police station with her next-door neighbor to report her husband was missing.

The policeman asked for a description.She said, "He's 35 years old, 6 foot 4, had dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is soft-spoken, and is good to the children.

"The next-door neighbor protested, "Your husband is 5 foot 4inches, chubby, bald, has a big mouth, and is mean to your children.

"The wife replied, "Yeah, but who wants HIM back?"   
 

Before sex, what does a woman do with her asshole?

She drops him off at the golf course.

******

A husband and wife were playing golf together when the man's wife was severely stung by a bee.

The husband ran quickly back to the clubhouse, looking for a doctor.

"Come quickly!" he said. "my wife's been stung by a bee."

"Where was she stung?" asked the doctor.

"Between the first and second holes." shouted the husband.

"Wow," replied the doctor, "she must have a very wide stance!"
 

A couple were sitting in the living room watching TV.

The telephone rang, so the husband answered it.

He listened for a moment, and then said, in a sarcastic voice, "I have no idea. Why don't you call the coast guard?" and hung up.

"What was that all about?" asked his wife.

"Oh, I don't know," replied the husband. "Some guy wanted to know if the coast was clear."
 

A man and his wife went to the doctor's office and the doctor asked the man for a blood, urine, and feces sample.

The man was slightly deaf and said, ''What?''

Again, the doctor said, ''I need a blood, urine and feces sample." T

he man still looked puzzled, so his wife leaned over and yelled into his ear: ''Sheldon, the doctor needs a pair of your underwear!''
 

It was a terrible night, blowing cold and snow in a terrible way. The streets were rightfully deserted and the local bakerwas just about to close up the shop when a man slipped through the door.

He carried an umbrella, blown inside out, and was bundled in two sweaters and a thick coat. But even so he still looked wet, freezing and ghastly cold.

As he unwound his scarf he said to the baker, "May I have two jelly doughnuts to go, please?"

The baker said in astonishment, "Two doughnuts? That's it?"

"That's right," answered the little man. "One for me and one for Sherry."

"Sherry is your wife?" asked the baker.

"What do you think," snapped the man, "my mother would send me out on a night like this?"
 

A list of differences 
 
1. A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.

2. A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

3. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

4. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

5. Married men live longer than single men - but married men are a lot more willing to die.

6. Any married man should forget his mistakes - there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

7. Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

8. A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.

9. A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

10. There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before marriage and after marriage."
 

LOVE - When your eyes meet across a crowded room.
LUST - When your tongues meet across a crowded room.
MARRIAGE - When you try to lose your spouse in a crowded room.

LOVE - When intercourse is called "making love."'
LUST - When intercourse is called "screwing."
MARRIAGE - When intercourse is a town in Pennsylvania.

LOVE - When you argue over how many children to have.
LUST - When you argue over whom gets the wet spot.
MARRIAGE - When you argue over whose idea it was to have kids.

LOVE - When you share everything you own.
LUST - When you steal everything they own.
MARRIAGE - When the bank owns everything.

LOVE - When it doesn't matter if you don't climax.
LUST - When the relationship is over if you don't climax.
MARRIAGE - When ... uh ... what's a climax?

LOVE - When you phone each other just to say, "Hi."
LUST - When you phone each other to pick a hotel room.
MARRIAGE - When you phone each other to bitch about work.

LOVE - When you write poems about your partner.
LUST - When all you write is your phone number.
MARRIAGE - When all you write is checks.

LOVE - When your only concern is for your partner's feelings
LUST - When your only concern is to find a room with mirrors all around.
MARRIAGE - When you're only concern as to what's on TV.

LOVE - When you are proud to be seen in public with your partner.
LUST - When you only see each other naked.
MARRIAGE - When you never see each other awake.

LOVE - When your heart flutters every time you see them.
LUST - When your groin twitches every time you see them.
MARRIAGE - When your wallet empties every time you see them.

LOVE - When all the songs on the radio describe exactly how you feel.
LUST - When the song on the radio determines how you do it.
MARRIAGE - When you listen to talk radio.

LOVE - When breaking up is something you try not to think about.
LUST - When staying together is something you try not to think about.
MARRIAGE - When just getting through the day is your only thought.

LOVE - When you're only interested in doing things with your partner.
LUST - When you're only interested in doing things TO your partner.
MARRIAGE - When you're only interested in your golf score.

LOVE- When a rainy day means more time to stay inside and talk.
LUST- When a rainy day means more time to stay inside and have sex.
MARRIAGE- When a rainy day means it's time to clean the basement

LOVE- You only leave the house to buy coffee and doughnuts.
LUST- You only leave the house to buy condoms and Vaseline.
MARRIAGE- You only leave the house when you're allowed
 

Just after I got married I was invited out for a night with the boys. I told my wife that I would be home by midnight....promise!

The evening went well, the jokes were being told and the grog was going down easy and at around 3 a.m. full as a boot I went home.

Just as I got in the door the cuckoo clock started and cuckooed 3 times.

Quickly I realised that she'd probably wake up so I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself, having the quick wittedness even when pissed, to escape a possible conflict.

Next morning my wife asked me what time I got in and I told her 12 o'clock. Whew! Got away with that one!

She then told me that we needed a new cuckoo clock. When I asked why she said: " Well, at 3 a.m. this morning it cuckooed 3 times, paused, said 'f**k it', cuckooed another 4 times, farted, cuckooed another 3 times, paused, cleared its throat and cuckooed twice, then giggled for over three minutes.

I think it's stuffed, don't you?"
 

An old man and woman were married for years even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screams and yelling could be heard deep into the night. A constant statement was heard by the neighbors who feared the man the most. "When I die I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"

They believed he practiced black magic and was responsible for missing cats and dogs, and strange sounds at all hours. He was feared and enjoyed the respect it garnished.

He died abruptly under strange circumstances and the funeral had a closed casket. After the burial, the wife went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow. The gaiety of her actions were becoming extreme while her neighbors approached in a group to ask these questions: Are you not afraid? Concerned? Worried? that this man who practiced black magic and stated when he died he would dig his way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life?

The wife put down her drink and said..."let the old bastard dig. I had him buried upside down."
 

What you have to do is, each morning, fix him a nice breakfast, and be pleasant. Make him a nice lunch to take to 'work, and for dinner, make meals for him you know he'll enjoy. Don't give him too much to do around the house, especially after he's had a hard day. And don't burden him with too many of your problems, because that'll only increase his stress. And most importantly, make love to him a couple of times a week, and try to give him oral sex once a month or so. If you can do this 'for the next ten months, I think your husband could regain his health completely."

On the way home, the husband says, "What did the doctor say?"

She says, "He said you're gonna die."
 

The Englishman says, "I tell you, my wife is so stupid. Last week she went to the supermarket and bought $300 worth of meat because it was on sale, and we don't even have a fridge to keep it in."

The American agrees that she sounds pretty thick, but says his wife is thicker. "Just last week, she went out and spent $17,000 on a new car," he laments, "and she doesn't even know how to drive!"

The German nods sagely, but thinks his wife is dumber. "Ah, it kills me every time I tink of it," he chuckles. "My wife just left to go on a holiday in Greece. I watched her packing her bag, and she must have put about 100 condoms in there. And she doesn't even have a penis!
 

Wife to husband: 

"What's your excuse for coming home at this time of the night?"

Husband to wife: 

"Golfing with friends, my dear."

Wife to husband: 

"What? At 2 a.m?!"

Husband to wife:

"Yes, We used night clubs.".
 

SON-IN-LAW OF THE YEAR

A husband and wife were shopping when the wife said, "Darling, its my mother's birthday tomorrow. What shall we buy for her?

I'm sure she would like something electric."

The husband replied, "How about a chair?!?"

Difference Between Men and Women

1. A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.

2. A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

3. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

4. To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot & love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot & not try to understand her at all.

5. Married men live longer than single men - but married men are a lot more willing to die.

6. Any married man should forget his mistakes - there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

7. Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

8. A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change & she does.

9. A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

10. There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before marriage & after marriage.
 

A Man went to the doctor and asked the doctor for help. When the doctor saw him, the man said to the doctor, "Doc, I'm begining to believe that my wife is deaf."
"What would make you say that sir." "Well she never answers me when I'm talking to her." "Hmm, I think you should go home tonight and ask her a question, if she doesn't answer you, step 5 feet closer, and continue this untill she does."

So he did as the doctor said. And when he walked into his house he said, "Honey, what are we having for dinner?"

***********************No Answer**************************

He walks 5 feet closer. "Honey, what are we having for dinner?"

**************************No Answer*****************************

He walks 5 feet closer. "Honey what are we having for dinner?"

*************************No Answer*****************************

From 5 feet away he says, "Honey, what are we having for dinner?"

And his wife yells, "FOR THE FOURTH TIME, PORK CHOPS!"
 

He saw the cookies cooling on the counter and staggered over to them. As he reached for one, his wife's wrinkled hand smacked his and she yelled:

"No, you can't have those! They're for the funeral!"
 

There was this guy that thought his wife was cheating on him.

So one day this guy decided to hire a detective named Chin Lee. Well one day this guy came home from work and found a letter on the counter from Chinn Lee and it said:

Boy come to house. Boy and girl leave house. Boy and girl go to hotel. I follow.
b
Boy and girl go up to hotel room. I climb tree. He kiss she. She kiss he. He undress she. She undress he. He play with she. She play with he. I play with me. I fall down fom tree. No fee.

Chin Lee.   
 

These 2 parents take their kid to a nude beach.

He sees a woman with huge boobs.

"Dad, how come mommy's aren't that big?"

"Oh,the bigger they are, the stupider the woman is."

He sees a guy with a long dick. "Mommy, how come daddy's isn't that big?"

"Oh, the bigger it is, the dumber the man is.

"Later that day, he runs to his mom and says,"Mommy! Mommy! Daddy's with the stupidest woman on the beach!

And he keeps getting dumber and dumber!"   
 

Deep Thoughts about Marriage

There was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married and then it was too late.

At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other replied, "Yes I am, I married the wrong man."

Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is really finished.

Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his bachelor's degree and the woman gets her master's.

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying for it."

Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?

Dad: That happens in most countries, son.

A happy marriage is a matter of give and take; the husband gives and the wife takes.

Three rings: Engagement ring, Wedding ring, Suffering.

When a newly married man looks happy we know why. But when a ten-year married man looks happy - we wonder why.

Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbours listen.

After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." And the husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice it."

It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife is.

A perfect wife is one who helps the husband with the dishes.

A woman was telling her friend , "It is I who made my husband a millionaire." "And what was he before you married him." Asked the friend. The woman replied, " A multi-millionaire".

Getting married is very much like going to a continental restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.

Marriage is not a word. It is a sentence- a life sentence!!!

Marriage is very much like a violin; after the sweet music is over, the strings are attached.

Marriage is love. Love is blind. Therefore, marriage is an institution for the blind.

Marriage is a thing which puts a ring on a woman's finger and TWO under the man's eyes.

Marriage certificate is just another name for a work permit.

It is true that love is blind but marriage is definitely an eye-opener.

There was this man who muttered a few words in the church and found himself married. A year later he muttered something in his sleep and found himself divorced.

Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.

They say that when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage, it is love; after marriage it is self-defense.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

Before marriage, a man 'yearns' for the woman he loves. After marriage, the "y" becomes silent.

My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two girlfriends.

A man meets a genie. The genie tells him he can have whatever he wants provided that his mother-in-law gets double. The man thinks for a moment and then says, "OK, give me a million dollars and beat me half to death."

A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not torreport it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.

Her husband has been slipping in and out of a coma for several months yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When
my business fell, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. When I think about it now, I think you bring me bad luck!"

First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second Guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

Marriage is grand -- and divorce is about 10 grand.

This guy goes to a party without his wife. He hears this other guy say to his wife "Pass the sugar, Honey." and "Pass the honey, Sugar." He thinks this sort of speech is a good idea. So,the morning when he and his wife are eating breakfast, he says to his wife, "Pass the bacon, Pig."

A couple came upon a wishing well. The husband leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny. The wife decided to make a wish, too. But she leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned. The husband was stunned for a while but then smiled "It really works
 

A woman is in bed with her lover who also happens to be her husband's best friend. They have sex for hours, and afterwards, while they're just laying there, the phone rings. Since it is the woman's house, she picks up the receiver. Her lover looks over at her and listens, only hearing her side of the conversation...

(She is speaking in a cheery voice) "Hello? Oh, hi. I'm so glad that you called. Really? That's wonderful. I am so happy for you. That sounds terrifiic. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye bye."

She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, "Who was that?"

"Oh" she replies, "that was my husband telling me all about the wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you."

Doris and Fred had started their retirement years and decided to raise some extra cash by advertising for a lodger in their terrace house.

After a few days, a young attractive woman applied for the room and explained that she was a model working in a near-by city center studio for a few weeks and that she would like the room from Mondays to Thursdays, but would pay for the whole week.

Doris showed her the house and they agreed to start straight away. "There's just one problem, "explained the model."Because of my job, I have to have a bath every night, and I notice you don't have a bath."

"That's not a problem," replied Doris. "We have a tin bath out in the yard and we bring it into the living room in front of the fire and fill it with hot water." "What about your husband? asked the model.

"Oh, he plays darts most weekdays, so he will be out in the evenings," replied Doris.

"Good," said the model. "Now that that's been settled, I'll go to the studio and see you tonight."

That evening, Fred dutifully went to his darts match while Doris prepared the bath for the model. After stripping off, the model stepped into the bath.

Doris was amazed to see that she had no pubic hair. The model noticed Doris' staring eyes, so she smiled and explained that it is part of her job to shave herself, especially when modeling swimmer or underclothes.

Later when Fred returned, Doris related this oddity and he does not believe her. "It's true, I tell you!" said Doris. "Look, if you don't believe me, tomorrow night I'll leave the curtains slightly open and you can peek in and see for yourself."

The next night, Fred left as usual and Doris prepared the bath for the model. As the model stepped naked into the bath, Doris stood behind her. Doris looked towards the curtains and pointed towards the model's naked pubic Area. Then she lifted up her skirt and wearing no panties, pointed to her own hairy mass.

Later Fred returned and they retired to bed. "Well, do you believe me now?" she asked Fred. "Yes, he replied. "I've never seen anything like it in my life. But why did you lift up your skirt and show yourself?" "Just to show you the difference." answered Doris. "But I guess you've seen me millions of times." "Yes, said Fred, I have - but the rest of the dart team hadn't."
 

2 eggs on their honeymoon       

Two eggs had just got married and were on their honeymoon.

Mrs.egg said she was just going to slip into something more comfortable, so Mr.egg decided to get undressed and jump into bed.

She came out looking dazzling and they began to kiss passionately on the bed.

Things started getting a little heated, and Mr.egg suddenly started to get all nervous, looking upwards and covering his head with his hands. '

What's the matter sweetheart?' she asked him and he said 'The last time I was this hard, I got hit on the head with a spoon!'   
 

   A judge was interviewing a lady regarding her pending
   divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"
  
   She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home
   in the middle of the property with a stream running by."
  
   "No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
  
   "It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.
  
   "I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"
  
   "I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do
   my husband's parents."
  
   He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"
  
   "No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never
   really needed one."
  
   "Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in
   your marriage?"
  
   "Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't
   necessarily like the music, but the answer to your
   question is 'yes'."
  
   "Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"
  
   "Yes," she responded, "about twice a week
   he gets up earlier than I do."
  
   Finally, in frustration, the judge asked,
   "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"
  
   "Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied.
   "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does.
   He said he can't communicate with me."
 

"So let me get this straight," the prosecutor says to the defendant, "you came home from work early and found your wife in bed with a strange man."

"That's correct," says the defendant.

"Upon which," continues the prosecutor, "you take out a pistol and shoot your wife, killing her."

"That's correct," says the defendant.

"Then my question to you is, why did you shoot your wife and not her lover?" asked the prosecutor.

"It seemed easier," replied the defendant, "than shooting a different man every day!"
 

One weekend, the husband is in the bathroom shaving when the kid he hired to mow his lawn, a local kid named Bubba, comes in to pee.

The husband slyly looks over and is shocked at how immensely endowed Bubba is.

He can't help himself, and asks Bubba what his secret is. "Well," says Bubba, "every night before I climb into bed with a girl, I whack my penis on the bedpost three times. It works, and it sure impresses the girls!"

The husband was excited at this easy suggestion and decided to try it that very night.

So before climbing into bed with his wife, he took out his penis and whacked it three times on the bedpost.

His wife, half-asleep, said, "Bubba? Is that you?"
 

A couple, who had been married for years, were making love.

He asked, "Dear, am I hurting you?"

"No," she replied. "But why do you ask?" "

You moved," he said.
 

A math teacher and his wife were both 54 years old.

One evening the wife came home and found a note from her husband. It said: ''My dear, you are 54 years old and there are some things you are not giving me, so I am at the Holiday Inn with my 18-year-old student. Don't bother waiting up for me.''

He returns home that night to find a note from his wife: ''You are also 54 years old and there are things I need that you're not giving me. So I am at the Motel 6 with one of your 18-year-old students and you (being a math teacher) should know that 18 goes into 54 way more than 54 goes into 18, so don't YOU wait up for ME.''
 

There were these two old people in a restaurant.

They were sitting there talking when the old husband said, "Hey honey, you remember when we first had sex? It was behind your old barn by the fence."

"Yes I remember," she said" I was thinking," said the old guy "how about me and you going back out to that place and doing it again?"

She thought about it for a minute and agreed.

A younger man was sitting at the table beside them and was eaves dropping on their conversation and decided he had to see these two old people in there 80's get it on by an old barn next to a fence.

So when they got up and left he followed.

The couple went down to the old barn and took off there clothes and the guy peeked around a tree and watched. The couple started going at it vigorously. He went after her like there was no tomorrow.

The guy was amazed. They kept going for about 45 min,then lay on the ground tired out. After about 15 min they got upand got there clothes on.

The guy standing there decided to ask the couple how they go such a long time at there age.

So as the couple approaches the guy asks, "How do you go so long like that, I mean you've gotta be at least 80 something."

The old guy replied back, "Yep, 84, but when we first had sex here 50 years ago that damn fence wasn't electric."
 

After hearing a couple's complaints that their intimate life wasn't what it used to be, the sex counselor suggested they vary their position.

"For example," he said, "you might try the wheelbarrow... Lift her legs, penetrate, and off you go!"

The eager husband was all for trying this new idea as soon as they got home.

"Well, OK," the hesitant wife agreed, "but on two conditions.... First if it hurts, you will stop right away, and second," she insisted. "You have to promise we won't go past my mother's house."
 

Pull it out!!!

I am sure you can imagine,
it's as simple as can be.
A place like Piccadilly,
the players he and she.

She whispers, "Will it hurt me?"
"Of course not," answers he.
"It's a very simple process,
you can rely on me."

She says "I'm rather frightened,
I've not done it before.
But still I think I'll like it,
when it's over not before.

He started to convince her,
it would not hurt a bit.
So finally she consented,
and so he started it.

It was ten minutes later,
neither spoke a word.
It was she who broke the silence,
her voice was rather slurred.

"It's getting rather painful,"
the tears were in her eyes.
"It's loosened quite a bit,
it must be quite a size."

"Now calm yourself my dear,"
his face betrayed a grin.
"Just a little wider,
so I can get it in."

"It's coming" he told her,
"I know" she said in bliss.
He said "You'll feel more comfortable,
when I've finished this."

Suddenly at that moment,
she gave a frightful shout.
"It's all over now" she murmured,
"Thank God you've pulled it out!"

Now that you have read this carefully,
it's a Dentist you will find.
It's not what you've been thinking,
that's just your dirty little mind!!
 

Already the Mother of two rambunctious boys, the husband was thrilled when the doctor announced they were going to have twins this time.

He told his wife that she should start thinking of names.

"Well, let's see." she said. "We already have Adolph and Rudolph. How about Getoff and Stayoff ?"
 

A bashful young newlywed man went shopping for a bra for his wife.

He entered the lingerie shop and waited till it was empty of customers.

Then he scurried over and asked for a bra.

"What size," asked the salesgirl.

"I don't know, "replied the husband.

"Well, are they like grapefruits?"

"No!"

"Like oranges?"

"No!"

"Are they like eggs?"

"Yeah, like eggs -- fried!"
 

Rated R

Grandma went into Victoria's Secret and wanted to buy some fancy new panties.

The saleslady talked her into buying a real nice bright red crotchless pair.

Grandma put them on and waited for grandpa to come home.

When grandpa came home, grandma was all laid out upon the bed and pointed down to the new crotchless panties she had on. She said, "Come on grandpa, you want some of this?"

Grandpa said, "Hell no, woman. It done ate a hole in your drawers
 

This newly wed couple went on their honeymoon.

When they got to the hotel, the man began to undress.

When he took his pants off, his knees were all knotty and twisted.

His wife exclaimed "Oh, goodness, what happened to your knees?"

He explained to her that his mother said he had a bad case of kneesles when he was a child.

She said, "Don't you mean measles?"

He said he was sure it was kneesles.

Next, he took off his socks and his toes were crooked and turned and she asked what had happened to his toes.

He again explained that his mother said he had a severe case of toelio as a child.

She said he must mean polio and he said, no that it was definitely toelio.

When he took off his underwear, his new wife rolled her eyes and exclaimed, "Don't tell me you had Small Cocks, too?!"
 

Fred and Betty are happily wedded.

Fred likes to call his wife Big Bertha.

Betty then decides to get a tatto on her ass saying Big Bertha.

She goes to the parlor and is told the cost will be $100 for every letter. She decides that she'll just get the initials on her ass instead, a B on each butt cheek.

She walks homes, calls fred, and pulls down her pants. He sees the tattoo and shouts, "Who the fuck is BOB?!"

 

Two deaf people get married. During the first week, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights because they can't see each other using sign language.

After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution.

''Honey'', she sighs, ''Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time''.

The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, ''Great idea. Now, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and pull on my penis one time. And if you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis... fifty times.''
 

A married couple was on holiday in Pakistan. They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such, when they passed a small sandal shop. From inside they heard a gentleman with a Pakistani accent say, ''You, foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop.''

So the married couple walked in. The Pakistani man said to them, ''I have some special sandals I think you'd be interested in. They make you wild at sex like a great desert camel.''

Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man had claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex hero he was. The husband asked the man, ''How could sandals make you into a sex freak?''

The Pakistani man replied, ''Why don't you try them on and see for yourself?''

After much badgering from his wife, the husband finally conceded to try them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes; something his wife hadn't seen in many years, her husband was full of raw sexual power.

In a blink of an eye, the husband rushed the Pakistani man, threw him on a table and started tearing at the guy's pants. All the time the Pakistani man was screaming, ''YOU HAVE THEM ON THE WRONG FEET! YOU HAVE THEM ON THE WRONG FEET!''
 

The young fellow was about to be married and was asking his grandfather about sex.

He asked how often you should have it.

His grandfather told him that when you first get married, you want it all the time ... and maybe do it several times a day. Later on, sex tapers off and you have it once a week or so. Then as you get older, you have sex maybe once a month. When you get really old, you are lucky to have it once a year... maybe on your anniversary.

The young fellow then asked his grandfather, 'Well how about you and Grandma now?'

His grandfather replied, 'Oh, we just have oral sex now.' 'What's oral sex?' the young fellow asked.

'Well,' Grandpa said, 'She goes to bed in her bedroom, and I go to bed in my bedroom. And she yells, 'Fuck You,' and I holler back, 'Fuck You, too.''
 

Junior was one of those holy terrors and her husband was surprised when his wife suggested that they buy him a bike for his birthday.

"Do you really believe that'll help improve his behavior ?" he said.

"Well, no," she admitted, "But it'll spread it over a wider area."
 

A man came home from work one day to find his wife sliding down the bannister.

''What are you doing?'' he asked.

''Warming up your dinner,'' she replied.
 

Magic Mirror

A woman walked into an antique store that was down the street from her home.

As she wondered around the store the clerk asked her what she was interested in.

She said she was interested in buying a mirror.

He showed her a couple mirrors then told her he had a special, magic mirror in the back.

She laughed, and said yeah, right!

He showed her to the mirror and told her: All you have to say is"Mirror Mirror on the door" then ask for anything. She gave it a try.Mirror Mirror on the door---Make my breast a 44"

KABOOM"

She had some huge breast she ran down the street to her house to show her husband.

He saw her and said "damn, what the hell happened"? she told him of the magic mirror on the corner.

He raced out the door headed to the antique shop. As he arrived he told the clerk he wanted to try the magic mirror. The clerk took him out back where the mirror was and told him what to say. The man looked at the mirror and said Mirror Mirror on the door--make my dick touch the floor.

"KABOOM"

His legs fell off.
 

Bring Your Daughter to Work Day

A man comes home with his little daughter, whom he has just taken to work.

The little girl asks, "I saw you in your office with your secretary. Why do you call her a doll?"

Feeling his wife's gaze upon him, the man explains, "Well, honey, my secretary is a very hard-working girl. She types like you wouldn't believe, she knows the computer system and is very efficient."

"Oh," says the little girl, "I thought it was because she closed her eyes when you lay her down on the couch."
 

Husbands' Performance

Three women were sitting around talking about their husbands' performance as lovers.

The first woman says ''My husband works as a marriage counsellor. He always buys me flowers and candy before we make love. I like that.''

The second woman says, ''My husband is a motorcycle mechanic. He likes to play rough and slaps me around sometimes. I kinda like that.''

The third woman just shakes her head and says, ''My husband works for Microsoft. He just sits on the edge of the bed and tells me how great it's going to be when I get it.''
 

A man who recently found out his wife was pregnant enetered a sex shop.

Man: Can I have a maternity bra for my wife?

Attendent: What bust?

Man: The fucking condom!!!
 

There was a couple that was married for 20 years, and every time they had sex the husband always insisted on shutting off the lights.

Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was stupid. She figured she would break him out of his crazy habit.

So one night, while they were in the middle of doing it, she turned on the lights. She looked down and saw her husband was holding a dildo.

She gets completely upset. "You impotent bastard, " she sreamed at him, " how could you be lying to me all of these years. You better explain yourself!"

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says, calmly " I'll explain the dildo....if you explain our three kids."
 

A woman awoke excitedly on Valentine's Day and announced enthusiastically
to her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for
Valentine's day!

What do you think it means?"

With certainty in his voice, the man said, "You'll know tonight."

That evening the man came home with a small package and handed it to his wife.

With anxious anticipation the woman quickly opened the package to find a book entitled - "The Meaning of Dreams".
 

A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive.

She lives for ten more years, and then dies. A ceremony is again held at the same place, and at the end of the ceremony the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they are walking, the husband cries out,"Watch out for the wall!"
 

The man approached a very beautiful woman in a large supermarket and asked, "You know, I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"

"Why?" she asks.

"Because every time I talk to a a beautiful woman, my wife appears out of nowhere."
 

"I'm worried that I'm losing my wife's love," the husband told the counselor.

"Has she started to neglect you?"

"Not at all," the dejected man replied. "She meets me at the door with a cold drink and a warm kiss. My shirts are always ironed, she's a great cook, the house is always neat, and she keeps the kids out of my hair. She even lets me choose the
television shows we watch and she never objects to kinky sex, or says she has a headache."

"So what's the problem?"

"Maybe I'm just being too sensitive," the husband ventured, but at night, when she thinks I'm sleeping, she puts her lips close to my ear and whispers, 'Die! Die, you son of a bitch!'"
 

A newlywed couple had a slight problem when it came to doing the deed.

The idea of openly confessing their sexual desires was too difficult for them. Finally, they both sat down to resolve their problem. They agreed that anytime either partner wanted to have sex, all they had to do was ask the other partner, ''Do you want to do the washing?''

So the weeks went on and things started to get better. The husband would nudge his wife in bed and say, ''Love, do you want to do the washing?''

Then they would have sex. The wife did the same when she felt frisky.

One night, the husband went to bed early because he was tired. A few hours later the wife followed. After getting in bed she felt the urge to get it on.

So she nudged her husband and whispered, ''Honey, do you want to do the washing?''

''No thanks, love,'' he said. ''It was only a small load tonight, so I did it by hand.''
 

One Saturday afternoon, a man was sitting in his lawn chair drinking beer and watching his wife mow the lawn.

A neighbor lady was so outraged at this, she came over and shouted at the man, "You should be hung!"

To which he calmly replied, "I am. That's why she cuts the grass!"
 

A story

I had to take my son's hamster to the vet. Here's what happened: Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was "something wrong" with one of the two hamsters he holds prisoner in his room.

"He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?"

I put my best hamster-healer statement on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little rodents was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.

"Honey," I called, "come look at the hamster!" "Oh, my gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute. "She's having babies." "What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"

I was equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce," I accused my wife. "Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage,?" she inquired. (I actually think she said this sarcastically!)

"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together).

Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed. "Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, ya know," she informed me. (Again with the sarcasm, ya think?)

By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it. "Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience," I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth." "OH, Gross!", they shrieked.

"Well, isn't THAT just Great!; what are we going to do with a litter of tiny little hamster babies?" my wife wanted to know. (I really do think she was being snotty here, too; Don't you?)

We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later. "We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.

"It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified. "Do something, Dad!" my son urged.

"Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gingerly tug. It disappeared. I tried several
more times with the same results. "Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted
to know. "Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)

"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap. Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged. "I don't think hamsters do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.)

The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass. "What do you think, Doc, a c-section?" I suggested scientifically.

"Oh, very interesting," he murmured.

"Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?" I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside. "Is Ernie going to be okay?"my wife asked.

Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This hamster is not in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen... Ernie is a boy."

"What!?"

"You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um.... er.... masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back." He blushed, glancing at my wife.

"Well, you know what I'm saying, Mr. Cameron." We were silent, absorbing this.

"So Ernie's just...just...Excited?", my wife offered.

"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood.

More silence.

Then my viscous, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.

"What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.Tears were now running down her face.

"It's just...that...I'm picturing you pulling on its...its...teeny little..." she gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.

"That's enough," I warned.

We thanked the Veterinarian and hurriedly bundled the hamsters and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay. "I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Dad," he told me.

A knockout young lady decided she wanted to get rich quick, so she proceeded to find herself a rich 75-year-old man, planning to screw him to death on their wedding night.

The courtship and wedding went off without any problem, in spite of the half-century age difference. The first night of her honeymoon, she got undressed, and waited for him to come out of the bathroom to come to bed.

When he emerged, however, he had nothing on except a condom to cover a twelve-inch erection, and was carrying a pair of earplugs and a pair of nose plugs. Fearing her plan had gone desperately amiss, she asked, "What are those for?"

The elderly groom replied, "There are two things I can't stand: the sound of a woman screaming, and the smell of burning rubber."

 

Three men sat at a bar discussing the Christmas presents they had for their wives.

The first man said he bought his wife a holiday home in the Bahamas and one in Jamaica - so if she didn't like one, she could use the other.

The second man said he bought his wife a Mercedes sports car and a Rolls Royce for the same reason.

The third man said he bought his wife a negligee and a vibrator, so if she didn't like the negligee she could go screw herself.
 

A husband and wife were golfing when suddenly the woman asked, "Honey, if I died would you get married again?"

The man said, "No dear."

The women said, "I'm sure you would."

So the man said, "Okay, I would"

Then the women asked, "Would you let her sleep in our bed?"

And the man replied, "Ya, I guess so."

Then the women asked, "Would you let her use my golf clubs?"

And the man replied, "No, she's left handed."
 

A True Senior Moment

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.

The two elderly gentlemen were talking, and one said,"Last night we went out to a new restaurant, and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly."

The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?"

The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know...the one that is red and has thorns."

"Do you mean a rose?" "Yes," the man said and then he turned toward the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"
 

This guy was looking at TV as his wife was out cutting the grass on a hot summer day. He went outside to ask his wife what was for supper.

Well, his old lady was quite irritated about him sitting in the air conditioned house all day, looking at the babes in the tight spandex, doing their exercises, so she shot back at him:

"Think of me as dead and do what you would do if I was."

The man went back in the house and fixed himself a big steak, a baked potato and a big glass of tea.

The wife walked in about the time he was finishing up and asked him, "So you fixed something to eat? Where is mine?"

He looked at her in surprise. "Yours??? What do you mean yours? I thought you were dead."
 

An elderly couple, Sam and Bessie, are vacationing inthe West.

Sam always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly.

He walks into their room and says to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?"

Bessie looks him over, "Nope."

Sam says excitedly, "Come on Bessie, take a good look. Notice anything different about me?"

Bessie looks again, "Nope."

Frustrated Sam storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for his boots. Again he asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything DIFFERENT NOW?"

Bessie looks up and says, "Sam, what's different?

It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again
tomorrow."

Furious, Sam yells, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT IS HANGING DOWN, BESSIE?
IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!"

To which Bessie replies, "Shoulda bought a hat, Sam. Shoulda bought a hat."
 

An elderly couple are both lying in bed one morning, having just awakenfrom a good nights sleep.

He takes her hand and she responds, "Don't touch me".

"Why not," he asks.

She answers back, "Because I'm dead."

The husband says to her, "What are you talking about? We're both lying here in bed together and talking to one another."

The wife says, "No, I'm definitely dead."

Her husband insists, "You're not dead. What in the world makes you think you're dead?"

His wife answers, "I know I'm dead, because I woke up this morning and nothing hurts."
 

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles.

The salesgirl notices him and asks if she can help him.

He answers that he looking for a box of tampons for his wife.

She directs down the correct aisle.

A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls on the counter.

She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for tampons for your wife?"

"You see it's like this. Yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes and she came home with a tin of tobacco and some rolling paper. So, I figure, if I have to roll my own, SO DOES SHE!"
 

What is the punishment for Bigamy?

Two Mother-in-Laws.

 

A recently retired rich couple from New York City, Abe and Zelda Rabinowitz, now living in Boca Raton, Florida were getting ready to go out todinner.

Zelda came out of the bedroom and said to Abe, "Darling, do you want me to wear this Channel suit or the Gucci one?" "Do I care?" he replied.

A few minutes later Zelda, again, came out of the bedroom and said to her husband, "Abe, shall I wear my Cartier watch or my Rolex?" "Who gives a damn?"
said Abe.

A few more minutes passed and, again, Zelda came out of the bedroom and said to her husband, "Abe darling, shall I wear my five carat pear diamond ring or my
six carat round diamond ring with the baguettes?"

To which Abe responded, "Hey, I really don't care, but if you don't get your act together, and soon, we are going to miss the earlybird
 

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" she asked. "Hunting flies." he responded.

"Oh! Killing any?" she asked.

"Yep, three males, two females" he replied.

Intrigued, she asked "How can you tell?

"He responded "Three were on a beer can, two were on the phone."
 

Once upon a time, there was a man who came home very late and very drunk every night. His wife decided to teach him a lesson, so she dressed up like Satan and hid in the dark to scare him when he got home.

When he finally came stumbling across the lawn, his wife jumped out in front of him and howled like a demon. He just looked at her and slurred, "You don't scare me; I'm married to your sister!"
 

EMPATHY CLASS

A couple just started their Lamaze class and they were given an activity requiring the husband to wear a bag of sand to give him an idea of what it feels like to be pregnant. The husband stood up and shrugged saying, "This doesn't feel so bad."

The instructor then dropped a pen and asked the husband to pick it up.

"You want me to pick up the pen as if I were pregnant, the way my wife would do it?" the husband asked.

"Exactly," replied the instructor.

To the delight of the other husbands, he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, pick up that pen for me."
 

Marriage is a wonderful institution. But who wants to live in an institution?

- Groucho Marx
 

Luigi and Virginia are Italian newlyweds from New York. For their honeymoon, they plan on taking a train to Florida. For their trip, Virginia packs a picnic basket full of delicacies which they plan to eat on the train. Once seated in the observation car, Virginia preceeds to unpack the basket. The Conductor confronts the couple and tells them that they must eat in the dining car. So off they go. Once in the dining car, Virginia unpacks a bottle of vintage wine. Once again the Conductor accosts them! "You cannot drink alcohol here!" he insists..."You must go to the drinking car!" So off they go. After their meal, Luigi prepares to enjoy his cigar. But no, once again here comes that damn Conductor! "You cannot smoke here...go to the smoking car!" So, once again, off they go. Finally, Luigi and Virginia retire to their private sleeping compartment where they plan to have SEX!" But...OH NO...here comes that Conductor again yelling "Norfolk, Virginia!"...."Oy Veh!" exclaims Luigi..."Next time we go to Florida, we are driving the car!"
 

Sean got home in the early hours of the morning after a night at the local pub. He made such a racket hitting into the furniture as he weaved his way through the house, that he woke up the misses.

"What on earth are you doing down there?" she yelled down from the bedroom. "Get yourself up here to bed and don't wake up the neighbors!"

"I'm trying to get a barrel of Guinness up the stairs," he shouted.

"Leave it 'till the morning," she shouted down.

"I can't," he said, "I've drank it."
 

A young husband comes home one night, and his wife throws her arms around his neck: "Darling, I have great news: I'm a month overdue. I think we're going to have a baby! The doctor gave me a test today, but until we find out for sure, we can't tell anybody."

The next day, a guy from the electric company rings the doorbell, because the young couple haven't paid their last bill: "Are you Mrs. Smith? You're a month overdue, you know!"

"How do YOU know?" stammers the young woman.

"Well, ma'am, it's in our files!" says the man from the electric company.

"What are you saying? It's in your files?????"

"Absolutely."

"Well, let me talk to my husband about this tonight."

That night, she tells her husband about the visit, and he, mad as a bull, rushes to the electric company offices the first thing the next morning.

"What's going on here? You have it on file that my wife is a month overdue? What business is that of yours?" the husband shouts.

"Just calm down," says the clerk, "it's nothing serious. All you have to do is pay us."

"PAY you? and if I refuse?"

"Well, in that case, sir, we'd have no option but to cut you off."

"And what would my wife do then?" the husband asks.

"I don't know. I guess she'd have to use a candle."

 

A man phoned his doctor late at night saying his wife appeared to have appendicitis.

"That's impossible," the physician replied, peeved at being woken up. "She had an appendectomy last year. Dont be stupid. Only a moron would wake me up for something this idiotic. Have you ever seen anybody with a second appendix?"

"No, asshole!!!", the husband replied. "Have you ever seen anybody with a second wife?

 

If your dog is barking at the back door, and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?

The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
 

Shrinking

My wife was playing Trivial Pursuit one night.

It was her turn, she rolled the dice and landed on "Science & Nature."

Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"

She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"

 

My wife was playing Trivial Pursuit one night.

It was her turn, she rolled the dice and landed on "Science & Nature."

Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"

She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"

 

Q: Did you hear about the new magazine for MARRIED MEN published by Playboy?

A: It has the same pictures month after month after month after month after month...

 

Why would you ever want to remarry an ex-husband?

It's like finding some sour milk, putting it in the trash for a couple of days, and then wondering to yourself: "Gee, I wonder if it'll taste any better now."
 

In a survey, 80 percent of women thought their ass was too fat,
15 percent said their ass was too thin, and the other five percent said they didn't care -
...
...
they would have married him anyway!!"

 

My friend is engaged in a major custody battle.

His wife doesn't want him and his mother won't take him back
 

A young couple got married and went on a cruise for their honeymoon.

When they got back from the honeymoon, the bride immediately called her mother, who lived a couple of hours away.

"Well, darling," said her mother, "how was the honeymoon?"

"Oh, mother," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic, we had a terrific time!

But, as soon as we returned, Sam began using really horrible language. I've never heard these words before. Really terrible 4-letter words. You've got to come get me and take me home. PLEASE MOTHER!" And the new bride began to sob over the telephone.

"But honey," the mother countered, "what 4-letter words?" "I can't tell you, mother," said the daughter, "they're too awful! Please come and get me!"

"Darling daughter, you must tell me what has you so upset. Tell me the 4-letter words!" Still sobbing, the bride said, "Mother, he used words like: DUST... WASH... IRON...COOK

"Honey," said this husband to his wife, "I invited a friend home
for supper."

"What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I didn't go shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal!"

"I know all that."

"Then why did you invite a friend for supper?"

"Because the poor fool's thinking about getting married."
 

A man bought an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted".

The nextday he received a thousand letters. They all said the same thing:

"You can have mine."
 

If You Were my Husband...

A woman at a party walked up to a man and told him, ''If you were my husband I would poison your drink."

The man replied, ''If you were my wife I would drink it.''

 

Wife: I just got back from the beauty shop.

Husband: What was the matter?

Was it closed?

A young Japanese girl had been taught all of her life that when she married, she was to please her husband and never upset him.

So the first morning of her honeymoon, the young Japanese bride crawled out of the bed after making love.

As she stooped down to pickup husband's clothes, she accidentally let out a big fart.

She looked up, smiled at him, and said, "Excuse please. Front hole so happy, back hole laugh out loud
 

WOMAN: What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?

MAN: Definitely not!

WOMAN: Why not - don't you like being married?

MAN: Of course I do.

WOMAN: Then why wouldn't you remarry?

MAN: Okay, I'd get married again.

WOMAN: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)

MAN: (makes audible groan)

WOMAN: Would you sleep with her in our bed?

MAN: Where else would we sleep?

WOMAN: Would you replace my pictures with hers?

MAN: That would seem like the proper thing to do.

WOMAN: Would she use my golf clubs?

MAN: No, she's left-handed.

WOMAN: - - - silence - - -

MAN: Shit.
 

Morris complained to his friend Irving, that love making with his wife was becoming routine and boring.

"Get creative Morris. Break up the monotony. Why don't you try 'playing doctor' for an hour? That's what I do," said Irving.

"Sounds great," Morris replied, "but how do you make it last for an hour?"

"Just keep her in the waiting room for 55 minutes! "
 

I asked my wife why there were so many dings on the driver’s side
of her Mercedes and she said the brakes must be bad on that side.

Marriage is a three ring circus:
Engagement ring
Wedding ring
Suffering

First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"

Second Guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive
 

When he gets home, he finds an empty house, a bowl of cookies, and a video.

He scarfs down the cookies, and pops in the video.

On TV, he sees his wife sucking his best friend's dick. He comes in her mouth, and she immediately spits the jizz into a bowl of cookie dough.

Then she turns to the camera. "Oh, hello, I want a divorce."
 

George dies and his wife gets him cremated.

She takes the ashes home and lays them out on the table and starts talking to them.

"You know that fur coat you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money.

You know the new car you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money."

Then she whispers, "You know that blowjob I promised you?

Well, here it comes..."

 

This newlywed couple is in bed and the man rolls over and taps his wife on the shoulder.

The wife says, "I can't honey, I'm going to the gynecologist tomorrow and I want to be fresh."

The man understands and rolls back over and says to his wife, "are you going to the dentist?"
 

Giant Carrot

Two women are digging in the garden.

One pulls out a foot-long carrot. She says, "This one reminds me of my husband's."

The second woman says, "Your husband's is that long?"

"No, that dirty."
 

A woman and her husband go to the doctor because the woman is complaining of shortness of breath.

After fifteen minutes, the woman comes out into the waiting room. "Apparently, my problem is that I have a nice cooter."

"Excuse me?" says the husband.

"That's what the doctor said. My problem is that I have a nice cooter."

The husband is a bit angry and goes in to talk to the doctor. "What's this about my wife having a nice cooter?

I need a damn good explanation." "That's not what I said," says the doctor. "I said she has acute angina."
 

A man comes home to his wife, and he is chuckling.

His wife asks him what is so funny. ''A limerick I heard today at work. But I can't tell you,'' he says. ''It's too dirty.''

''Don't worry, I've heard them all,'' she replies. ''I really can't, it's the dirtiest limerick that I have ever heard!''

''OK,'' his wife says. ''How about you tell it, but substitute the word 'beep' in the place of the really dirty words.''

''Fine,'' he says. ''Here goes: Beep beep-beep beep beep-beep beep beep, beep beep-beep beep beep-beep beep beep. Beep-beep beep beep beep, beep-beep beep beep beep, beep beep-beep beep beep-beep beep fuck.''
 

A newlywed couple arrives in their sumptuous honeymoon suite, and it turns out they are both virgins.

Brought up the old traditional way, neither of them really knows how to have sex.

So after about half a painful hour of abortive attempts to get it on, an idea occurs to the husband. ''OK, honey,'' he says, ''this is what we'll do. I'll go into the closet and you go into the bathroom. We'll both get undressed and turn off the lights in the bedroom. And then on the count of three we'll both rush out at each other and then it will just happen in the middle of the bedroom.''

The wife is a bit unsure about this, but since she doesn't have any better ideas she agrees.

So, the husband goes into the closet and the wife goes into the bathroom and they both get undressed. The anticipation is driving the husband mad and as he takes off his clothes he gets an enormous erection.

The wife turns off the lights and on the count of three they both rush into the bedroom towards each other. But since the room is dark the husband gets disoriented and runs by his wife — right into the dresser. He hits the dresser so hard that he passes out from the pain.

The next thing he remembers is coming to in a hosital bed, with a doctor looking down at him. His throbbing dick is still so painful that he moans to the doctor, ''Doc, doc, how bad is it?'' '

'That's nothing, son. Wait till you see your wife! We still haven't gotten her off the doorknob.''
 

A husband and wife go off to bed. As soon as they settle down, the man leans over and whispers softly "hey snuggle boopy boops, your little hubby wubby isn't quite ready for nite-nite yet."

The wife takes the hint and says "OK, but I have to use the bathroom first."

So off she goes, but on her way back she trips over a piece of carpet and lands flat on her face. Her husband jumps up concerned. "Oh my little hunny bunny, is your nosey-wosey all right?"

No harm is done, so she jumps into bed and they have mad passionate sex for two hours.

Afterwards, the wife goes off to the bathroom again, but on her way she trips over the same piece of carpet and again lands flat on her face on the floor.

Her husband looks over and grunts, "Clumsy bitch."
 

Marriage is a kind of graduation ceremony in which a fellow loses his bachelor's degree without acquiring a master's.
 

A married man thought he would give his wife a birthday surprise by buying her a bra.

He entered a ladies shop, rather intimidated, but the salesgirls took charge to help him.

"What color?" they asked.

He settled for white."How much does it cost?" he asked.

"Twenty-four dollars."

"Expensive, but ok," he thought. All that remained was the size, but he hadn't the faintest idea.

"Now sir, are they the size a pair of melons? Coconuts? Grape fruits? Oranges?"

"No," he said, "nothing like that.""Come on, sir, think. There must be something your wife's bust resembles."

He thought long and hard and then looked up and said, "Have you ever seen a Spaniel's ears?

 

Mary was married to a male chauvinist. They both worked full time, but he never did anything around the house and certainly not any housework.

One day Charley, her husband, read a magazine article that suggested working wives would be more romantically inclined if they weren't so tired from having to do all the housework, in addition to holding down a full-time job. So one evening, he declared to do her work. When Mary arrived home from work she was surprised to find the children bathed, a load of wash in the washing machine and another in the dryer, dinner on the stove and a beautifully set table, complete with flowers. She was astonished and wanted to know immediately what was going on. Upon asking, Charley told about the magazine article.

The next day, she couldn't wait to tell her girlfriends at the office. "How did it work out?" they asked.

Mary said, "Charley even cleaned up, helped the kids with their homework, folded the laundry and put everything away. I really enjoyed my evening."

"But what about afterward?" her friends wanted to know.

"It didn't work out," Mary said. "Charley was too tired."
 

A rich Beverly Hills lady got very angry at her French maid. After a long list of stinging remarks about her shortcomings as a cook and housekeeper, she dismissed the maid.

The maid, with her Gaelic ancestry, couldn't allow such abuse to go unanswered. "Your husband considers me a better housekeeper and cook than you, Madam. He has told me himself."

The rich woman just swallowed and said nothing.

"And furthermore," the angry girl continued, "I am better in bed than you!"

"And I suppose my husband told you that, too?"

"No, Madam," said he maid. "Not your husband...the mailman."
 

As he was reading, he would periodically reach over to his wife and fondle her "kitty." He did this a few times but only for a very short time each time.

He would then stop and resume reading his book.

The wife gradually became aroused and thought that her husband was seeking some response before going any further.

She got up and started stripping in front of him.

The husband was confused and asked:"What are you doing taking your clothes off?"

The wife replied, 'you were playing with my kitty. "I thought you were trying to give me the hint you wanted to make love tonight?!"

The husband said," No, not at all."

The wife then asked, "Well, why the hell were you touching me here then!"

The husband replied, "I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the page."
 

Sam had been a soldier at war for more than three years, during which he had been in many battles and won many decorations.

He was finally discharged from service and returned home to a wife and son whom he hadn't seen in almost four years.

As he was walking up the path to his house, his young son spotted him and yelled, "Mommy, Mommy, here comes Daddy, and he's got a purple heart on!"

To which the mother replied, "I don't give a damn what color it is!

Let him in, and you go play at the Joneses' for a couple hours."
 

A girl about to be married confessed to her close friend that she was not, as her fiance thought, a virgin. She asked her friend what to do.

No Problem," said the friend, who had just finished watching an Arnold Schwarzenegger movie. "Just buy a piece of raw liver and shove it up inside you. It will make you tight and he will never know the difference."

The girl followed this advice and on her wedding night the groom consummated the marriage with tremendous energy in the bed, on the floor, in the bathtub, under the kitchen table, everywhere.

She fell asleep blissfully, but when she awoke she was devastated to find the following note pinned to her pillow:

Dear Jane: Last night was pure heaven. Unfortunately, since we will never be able to repeat that performance, I am leaving you forever.

P.S. Your pussy is in the sink.
 

Be careful what you wear (or don't wear), when working
under your vehicle...especially in public.

From the Morning Herald, Sydney Australia comes this story of a central west couple who drove their car to K-Mart only to have their car break down in the parking lot.

The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car there in the lot.

The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car.

On closer inspection she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones.

Unable to stand the embarrassment she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts and tucked everything back into place.

On regaining her feet she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by.

The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his head.
 

A Kansas cyclone hit a farmhouse just before dawn onemorning. It lifted the roof off, picked up the beds, on which the farmer and his wife slept, and set them down
gently in the next county.

"Don't be scared, Mary," her husband said. "We're not hurt."

Mary continued to cry. "I'm not scared," she responded between sobs. "I'm happy 'cause this is the first time in 14 years we've been out together."
 

A wife went in to see a therapist and said,"I've got a big problem, doctor."

"Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes,he lets out this earsplitting yell."

"My dear," the doctor said, "that's completely natural.I don't see what the problem is."

"The problem is," she complained, "It wakes me up!"
 

Frustrated at always being corrected by her husband, my aunt decided the next time it happened, she would have a comeback.

That moment finally arrived, and she was ready. "You know," she challenged, "even a broken clock is right once a day."

My uncle looked at her and replied, "Twice."
 

A guy thought his wife was cheating on him.

So he waited for her to leave that night and jumped in a cab to follow her.

By following her he found out she was working in a whorehouse.

The guy says to the cabbie, "Wanna make a $100?"

The cabbie says, "Sure, what do I have to do?".

The guy replied that all the cabbie has to do was go inside the whorehouse and grab his wife and put her in the back of the cab and take them home.

So the cabbie goes in.

A couple of minutes later the whore house door gets kicked open, and the cabbie is dragging this woman out who is kicking, biting, punching, and fighting all the way to
the cab.

The cabbie opens the door to the cab, throws the girl inside, and tells the man, "Here hold her!!"

The man looks down at the girl and says to the cabbie, "THIS AIN'T MY WIFE".

The cabbie replied, "I KNOW, IT'S MINE; I'M GOING BACK IN FOR YOURS!!".
 

A cop pulls over a seventy-two year old Jewish man, driving in mid-town Manhattan. The old man ask's the cop, "WasI speeding?"

The cop said, "No, are you aware your wife fell out, two blocks back."

The old jewish man responded, "Thank God, I thought I went deaf."
 

A man was wandering around in a field, thinking about how good his wife had been to him, and how fortunate he was to have her.

He asked God, "Why did you make her so kind hearted?"

The Lord responded, "So you could love her, my son."

"Why did you make her so good looking?"

"So you could love her, my son."

"Why did you make her such a good cook?"

"So you could love her, my son."

The man thought about this. Then he said, "I don't mean to seem ungrateful or anything, but why did you make her so stupid?"

"So she could love you, my son."
 

A newly married man was discussing his honeymoon.

He says to his buddy at lunch, "Last night, I rolled over, tapped my beautiful young wife on the shoulder, gave her a wink, and we had ourselves a performance!

Later that night, about 2 o'clock, I rolled over, gave my sweetie a nudge, and we had ourselves another performance.

Well, being so newly married and not yet tired of the task, I waited quietly in bed while my beauty slept until I couldn't wait any longer.

It was 4 o'clock when I gave her a little nudge.

She opened her blue eyes and smiled sweetly. We immediately had ourselves a rehearsal."

"A rehearsal?" his buddy asks, "Don't you mean a performance?"

"No, because a rehearsal is when nobody comes."
 

Once upon a time, two accountants got married.

True to their bean counter nature, everything was done by the book. They got home at specified times, they ate dinner on a specified schedule and yes, they had sex
every evening at EXACTLY 6:15 without fail.

One day, the lady accountant came down with the flu. She went to the doctor and got antibiotics, which began killing the germs immediately.

Three of the germs got together and discussed strategy.

The first germ said, "I'm heading for her head. I don't think the medicine will go that far."

The second germ said, "Maybe so, but I'm heading for her toes. I think I'll be safe there."

The third germ said, "Hey, you guys do what you want to do, but when the 6:15 pulls out tonight, I'm gonna be on it!"
 

As a couple were getting ready for bed, the husband coming from the bathroom and jumps in bed, his wife whines "I have a headache" he replies "Perfect!!

I just powdered my dick in aspirin, you can take it orally or as a suppository, it's up to you "
 

A couple were having breakfast. "Last night I dreamed they were auctioning off pricks," said the wife.

"Big ones went for $50 and the thick ones went for $100."

"And how much did they get for the ones like mine?"asked the husband."Oh," said the wife, "those they were giving away for nothing."

"I had a dream too!" said the husband. "I dreamed they were auctioning off pussys.

The pretty ones went for $5,000 and the little tight ones for $10,000."

"And how much did they get for the ones like mine?"

"That's where they held the auction."
 

A man comes home drunk in the wee hours of the morning to find his wife angry and waiting for him at the door.

"Out drinking again!?" she says. "How much money did you spend this time?"

"$100," answers the man.

"$100!" she shouts. "That's ridiculous, spending that much in one night!"

"Easy for you to say," he replies. "You don't smoke, you don't drink, and you have your own pussy."
 

The newlyweds entered the elevator of their Miami Beach hotel.

The operator, a magnificent blonde, looked at them in surprise and said, "Why, hello, John, how are you?"

A frosty silence prevailed until the couple reached their room, when the piqued bride demanded: "Who was that woman?!"

"Take it easy, honey," said the groom, "I'm going to have trouble enough explaining you to her."
 

There were some newly weds lying in bed in their new house. Suddenly a robber came bursting into the room demanding all the money in the house.

Once he had all the money he said, "Now that you've seen me, I'm going to have to kill both of you. But before I do, I would like to know your names, it's a custom I have. What's your name?" he said pointing to the woman.

"Elizabeth." she replied.

"Oh my God, I can't kill you, my mother's name is Elizabeth! What's your name?" He turned to the man.

"Ron, but my friends call me Elizabeth!"
 

The wife appeared at the breakfast table in curlers and a worn bathrobe.

The husband looked up from his newspaper and said, "Why can't you look like you did when we were first married?"

"How can I?" she snapped back. "I'm not pregnant!"
 

A man goes to see his doctor and when he arrives home his wife notices that he is very depressed.

"What's the matter dear?" she asks.

The man pulled out a bottle of white pills and said, "My doctor said that I have to take one of these little white pills every day for the rest of my life."

The wife put an arm around her husband and tried to console him. "I know that'll be rough, but you'll get used to it."

The husband shook his head, "I haven't got to the worst part yet."

The wife looked more concerned, "It gets worse?"

The husband nodded, "He only gave me seven pills!"
 

"Your Honor, my wife is just being ridiculous. Most women would love to have a husband who still believes in chivalry and I was only opening the door for her out
of chivalry."

"Mr. Smith," replied the judge, "I am granting the divorce. I cannot believe chivalry was your motivation while driving 65 mph."
 

Rated R

Then there was the couple that decided to give up sex for Lent.

Somehow they muddled through the whole Lenten season, sleeping in separate bedrooms with the doors locked, taking cold showers, the whole bit.

Finally, up came the sun on Easter morning and the wife woke up to this terrific THUNDERING at her bedroom door. "Oh," she cried, "I know what you're knocking for!"

"Yes," he replied, "but do you know what I'm knocking WITH??!!"
 

A woman was letting her husband have it with just a touch more venom than usual, saying, "You're an idiot. You have always been an idiot. You'll always be an idiot. If they had an idiot contest, you'd come in second."

"Why would I come in second?" her husband asked.

She replied, "Because you're an idiot!"
 

Six Again

A man asked his wife what she'd like for her 40th birthday.

"I'd love to be six again," she replied.

On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a local theme park. What a day!

He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear, everything there was! Wow!

Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her head reeling and her stomach upside down. Right to a McDonald's they went, where her husband ordered her a Happy Meal along with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake.

Then, it was off to a movie - the latest Disney and what a fabulous adventure!

Finally, she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed.

He leaned over and lovingly asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being six again?"

One eye opened. "You idiot, I meant my dress size."

The moral of this story is: When a woman speaks and a man is actually listening, he will still get it wrong.
 

An elderly gent was invited to his old friend's home for dinner one evening. He was impressed by the way his preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms --"Honey," "My Love," "Darling," "Sweetheart," "Pumpkin," etc. The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love.

While the wife was in the kitchen, the man leaned over and said to his host, "I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your wife those loving pet names."

The old man hung his head. "I have to tell you the truth," he said. "I forgot her name about 10 years ago."

This nice couple were celebrating their 25th wedding anniversary.

The lady told her husband that he had been a great partner and she would like to do something special for him to show her appreciation.

He replied that he had never had a blow-job and wondered if she would do this for him.

She refused saying that she was afraid she would lose his respect.

Years went by and on their 50th anniversary she again refused him because she was afraid she would lose his respect.

On their 75th anniversary, she again told her husband that he had been such a terrific partner for 75 years that she wanted to do something special for him.

Again, he told her he still would really like to experience a blow-job.

Well, she thought, all these wonderful years he has given me, maybe just this once.

While she was giving him a blow-job the telephone rang and he answered it.He handed her the phone and said:

"It's for you, cocksucker.
 

Paul returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his wife Alma that the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live. Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him. Of course she agreed, and they made passionate love.

Six hours later, Paul went to her again, and said, "Honey, now I only have 18 hours left to live. Maybe we could make love again?" Alma agrees and again they make love.

Later, Paul is getting into bed when he realized he now had only eight hours of life left. He touched Alma's shoulder andsaid, "Honey? Please? Just one more time before I die." She agreed, than afterward she rolled over and fell asleep.

Paul, however, heard the clock ticking in his head, and he tossed and turned until he was down to only four more hours. He tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up. "Honey, Ionly have four hours left! Could we...?"

His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said, "Listen Paul,I have to get up in the morning AND YOU DON'T!!!!
 

"When I got to work this morning, I found a pencil tied to my willy."

"That's right," she said. "I thought if you couldn't come, at least you could write."

 

We want to discuss mankind's relationship to God."

"I'm married; I learned long ago that my opinions don't matter."

"But, when you die, will you go to heaven or to hell?"

"Wherever my wife tells me to."
 

On the night of their wedding, a young couple finally retired to their hotel room.

After making her preparations, the bride came out of the bathroom to find the bridegroom on his knees in front of the bed.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"I'm praying for guidance," answered the young man.

"I'll take care of that," she replied. "You pray for endurance."
 

When the husband finally died his wife put the usual death notice in the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea.

No sooner were the papers delivered when a good friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, "You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea.

Replied the widow, "I nursed him night and day so of course I know he died of diarrhea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big shit he always was."
 

A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket.

They hear a faint moan! They open the casket and find that the woman is actually
alive! She lives for ten more years, and then dies.

Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pall bearers are again
carrying out the casket. As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out: "Watch that wall!"
 

A couple were having their evening meal in a nice restaurant when they overheard the gentleman at the next table say, "Crisco, please pass the salt."

A few minutes later the same gentleman was heard to say, "Crisco, please pass the butter."

A few minutes later, the gentleman said, "Excuse me Crisco, I must visit the rest room."

After the gentleman left, the diner who overheard all this leaned over and said to
the lady at the next table, "Pardon me, but I couldn't help overhear your husband calling you Crisco, is that your real name?"

"Oh no," she replied, "he only calls me that when we are out. At home he calls me 'lardass'."
 

A man is sitting at the bar in his local tavern, furiously imbibing shots of whiskey. One of his friends happens to come into the bar and sees him.

"Lou," says the shocked friend, "what are you doing? I've known you for over fifteen years, and I've never seen you take a drink before. What's going on?"

Without even taking his eyes off his newly filled shot glass, the man replies, "My wife just ran off with my best friend."

He then throws back another shot of whisky in one gulp.

"But," says the other man, "I'm your best friend!"

The man turns to his friend, looks at him through bloodshot eyes, smiles, and then slurs, "Not anymore! He is!"
 

There was this couple who had been married for 50 years.

They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years."

"Yeah," she replied, "Just think, fifty years ago we weresitting here at this breakfast table together."

"I know," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago."

"Well," Granny snickered, "What do you say........Should we get naked?"

And they stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.

"You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago!"

"I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One is in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal!!!"
 

A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town. A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.

"Well, it dates back to our honeymoon," explained the man. "We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom on the canyon by pack mule. We hadn't gone too far when my wife's mule stumbled. My wife quietly said, 'That's once.'

We proceeded a little further and the mule stumbled again. Once more my wife quietly said, 'That's twice.'

We hadn't gone a half- mile when the mule stumbled the third time. My wife quietly removed a revolver from her pocket and shot the mule dead.

I started to protest over her treatment of the mule when she looked at me and quietly said 'That's once.'"
 

An elderly couple is vacationing in the West. Sam alwayswanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly.

He walks into their hotel room and says to his wife, "Notice anything different, Bessie?"

Bessie looks him over, "Nope."

Sam says excitedly, "Come on, Bessie, take a good look.Notice anything different about me?"

Bessie looks again, "Nope."

Frustrated, Sam storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for his boots. Again, he asks, a little louder this time,
"Notice anything DIFFERENT?"

Bessie looks up and says, "Sam, what's different?

It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."

Furious, Sam yells, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, BESSIE? IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'SLOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!"

To which Bessie replies, "Shoulda bought a hat, Sam. .......Shoulda bought a hat."

 

A recent study showed that the average husband only actually speaks to his wife about thirty-seven minutes each week.

Well, yeah, I can believe that, I mean just how long does it take to say "Uh-huh" or "Yes dear" or "I'm sorry, it won't happen again"?
 

Bill meets Doug at the bar after work. Doug is really upset.

"What's wrong pal?" Bill asked. "You look really down"

"I am. My wife said she wants to have sex in the back seat of the car" Doug replied.

"So what's wrong with that?" Bill asked, seeming somewhat confused.

"Well," Doug sighs, "She said she wants me to be the one driving the car".
 

Now that they are retired, my mother and father are discussing all aspects of their future. "What will you do if I die before you do?" Dad asked Mom.

After some thought, she said that she'd probably look for a house sharing situation with three other single or widowed women who might be a little younger than herself, since she is so active for her age.

Then Mom asked Dad, "What will you do if I die first?"

He replied, "Probably the same thing."
 

The wealthy old gentleman and his wife were celebrating their 35th wedding anniversary and their three grown sons joined them for dinner. The old man was rather irritated when he discovered none of the boys hadbothered to bring a gift. After the meal, the waiter brought the check and none offered to pay even a part of it. As they were leaving, the old man drew them aside.

"You're all grown men," he said, "and old enough to hear this. Your mother and I have never been legally married."

"What?" gasped one of the sons. "Do you mean to say we're all bastards?"

"Yes," snapped the old man, "and cheap ones, too!"
 

A Michigan circuit judge tells about a divorce suit he handled recently."I think you might as well give your husband a divorce," he advised the wife.

"What!" shouted the lady. "I have lived with this bum for twenty years, and now I should make him happy?"
 

There was a man who loved dog food.

His wife was concerned so she called her doctor and explained the situation to him. She said "All he eats is dog food."

The doctor said "Leave him alone. He isn't hurting anything. Dog Food is fit for human consumption."

This went on for quite awhile.

One day about a year later she runs into her doctor.

He asked how her husband was feeling.

She said he's dead.

The doctor exclaimed "From eating dog food!"

No she said, "He was laying in the middle of the road licking his dick and a car ran over him."
 

A man was in his front yard attempting to fly a kite with his son.

Every time the kite went up into the air, it came crashing down.

This went on for a while until his wife stuck her head out of the front door and yelled, "You need more tail!"

The father yelled back, "F*ck You, I told you yesterday that I needed more tail,... and you told me to go fly a kite!"
 

A well-respected surgeon was relaxing on his sofa one evening just after arriving home from work.

As he was tuning into the evening news, the phone rang.

The doctor calmly answered it and heard the familiar voice of a colleague on the other end of the line.

"We need a fourth for poker," said the friend.

"I'll be right over," whispered the doctor.

As he was putting on his coat, his wife asked, "Is it serious?"

"Oh yes, quite serious," said the doctor gravely. "In fact, three doctors are there already!"

A woman who had the worst chronic headache goes to a famous "new age" holistic doctor, as a last resort.

"Doctor, I have tried everything, but my headache just won't go away."

The doctor replied, "You have come to the right place. This is what I want you to do: go home, stare at yourself in the mirror, point your index fingers at your temples, and repeat this mantra: "I really don't have aheadache, I really don't have a headache". Do it as long as it takes, the headache is just going to vanish."

As she leaves the doctor's office, skeptical but curious at the same time, she tries the maneuver in front of the mirror in the elevator. Fingers pointed at her temples, she starts repeating "I really don't have aheadache, I really don't have a headache...". She has barely said it four times, when she realizes her headache is gone. Shocked and elated, she runs back up to the doctor."Doctor, you are a genius! Can I please send you my husband? He's been having problems in a certain department... how can I put it... "

"When was the last time you two had sex?"

"About eight years ago." "Send him over."

A few days later, she is waiting with baited breath for her husband to come home from the doctor. He arrives, asks her to wait, and goes straight to the bathroom. When he comes out, he throws her on the couch and starts making wild passionate love to her, . When he's finished, he goes right back to the bathroom.

A few minutes later he comes out, rouses her from her bliss and starts at it again, like an insatiable young man.

After another hour of great sex he goes and locks himself in the bathroom again.

At this point the wife has become unbearably curious. She tiptoes to the bathroom door, looks through the keyhole, and sees her husband, staring at himself in the mirror, fingers pointed at his temples, repeating:

"That woman is not my wife, that woman is not my wife....."
 

Recently I was so embarrassed at my wedding, at the rehearsal, the minister told my father, "As you give your daughter's hand to the bridegroom, you should say something nice to him.

"My father, a grocery-store manager, took the advice.

During the wedding ceremony, he placed my hand on my new husband's arm and said, "No deposit, no return."
 

A couple just got married, and when the husband went back to his house he found that his bride had disappeared.

He got very worried and gathered up all his friends to search for his wife with no success.

Two days after his wife disappeared the man returned home to find her in the kitchen.

He asked her what she has been up to and why she hasn't been home for so long.

She replied: "These four men kidnapped me and had wild sex with me for a week."

The husband answered: "But it's only been two days what do you mean a week?"

"I am only here to get something to eat."
 

Three Couples went out camping.

The three husbands stayed in one tent and the three wives stayed in the other.

At about 3 in the morning, Bob woke up and yelled, "Wow, unbelievable!"

Bill woke up and asked,"What's going on?"

Bob said, "I've got to go to the other tent and find my wife."

"How Come?"

"To have sex! I just woke up with the biggest hard-on I've ever had in my life!"

After a pause, Bill said. "Do you want me to come with you?"

"Hell, no! Why would I want you to do that?"

"Because that's my dick you're holding."
 

Take Buffie, the typical observant wife.

One evening after dinner, she handed me a bottle of that Rogaine hair restorer.

I told her while I knew I was starting to thin out some, I didn't really think I needed hair restorer yet.

She said, "Oh. It's not for you, it's for your secretary, she seems to be losing quite a bit of her hair on your suit."
 

A girl is about to tie the knot, and is watching her mother bake biscuits in the kitchen.

"Mom?" she asks. "How do you keep Dad so happy after all these years of marriage?"

The mother promptly threw a wad of biscuit dough on the floor, hikes up her dress, and squats down, picking the dough up with her snatch.

"Practice this and when you can do it, I'll guarantee that your man will be satisfied for the rest of his life," said her mother.

So the girl practiced and practiced until her wedding night.While her anxious husband waited for her in the bed, she emerged wearing a sexy negligee, carrying a can of biscuit dough.

She opened the can, threw the dough on the floor, lifted her negligee, and squatted over the dough, letting out a thunderous fart as she did so.

Her husband, startled, jumped from the bed and backed away.

"What's wrong, honey?" she asked.

He replied, "Shit woman!" as he stepped further away.

"If that thing barks like that for a biscuit, I sure as hell don't want to throw any meat at it!"

 

Suddenly the drunk stands up and yells, "ATTENTION ALL" and farts loudly.

The wife is extremely embarrassed, and the husband looks at the drunk and says" Excuse me, you just farted before my wife."

The drunk rreplies, "I'm sorry I didn't know it was her turn."
 

A Texan and his wife were on a trip to New York.

She had just finished showering to dress for dinner and noticed that she had neglected to pack her bras. She asked her husband to go down to the dress shop in the lobby and pick up a couple of 36-C bras.

He said, "Ah'l go down raht now." So he put on his ten gallon hat and went to the shop.

The saleslady said, "May I help you sir?"

When he told her that he wanted two 36-C bras, she asked,"Would you like two Playtex?"

He answered, "Ah'd luv ta little lady, but mah wife's a'waitin fur me up in the room."

A man met a beautiful lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away.
She protested, "But we don't know anything about each other."

He replied, "That's all right; we'll learn about each other as we go along."

So she consented, and they were married, and went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort.

One morning, they were lying by the pool when he got up, took off his towel, climbed up to the 10 meter board and did a two and a half tuck gainer, entering the water
perfectly, almost without a ripple. This was followed by a three rotations in jackknife position before he again straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on his towel.

She said, 'That was incredible!"

He said, "I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about ourselves as we went along."

So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing laps. She was moving so fast that the froth from her pushing off at one end of the pool would hardly be gone
before she was already touching the other end of thepool. She did laps in freestyle, breast stroke, even butterfly! After about thirty laps, completed in mere minutes, she climbed back out and lay down on her towel, barely breathing hard.

He said, "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?"

"No, she said, 'I was a hooker in Wheeling and I worked both sides of the river."
 

At his wedding reception, the young groom's granddad congratulated his grandson and said, "The secret to enjoying a long and happy marriage is to listen to each other at all times, respect each other's wishes and to try and have sex in moderation. That way, your marriage will last as long as your grandma's and mine has."

Thanking him for his advice, the grandson asked, "What is sex like then when you get older, granddad?"

His granddad looked at his grandson, smiled and replied, "Just like trying to play pool with a piece of rope!"
 

After returning from his honeymoon in Florida with his new bride, Virginia, Luigi stopped in his New York neighborhood barbershop to say hello to his friends.

Giovanni said, "Hey, Luigi. How was a da treep?"

Luigi said, Ever'thing was a perfect except for da train a ride down."

"What'a you mean, Luigi?" asked Giovanni.

"Well, we boarda da train at Grand Centrala Station. My beautifula Virginia had packed a biga basket a food with vino and cigars for a me, and a we were looking
a 'forward to da trip.

All was OK until we gotta hungry and opened up a da luncha basket.

The conductor came by, wagged his a finger at us and a say, 'No eat in dese'a car. Must'a use'a dining car.'"

"So, me and my beautiful'a Virginia, we go to dining car, eat a big'a lunch and begin to open'a bottle of vino.

Conductor walk by me again, wag his'a finger and say, 'No drink'a in dese'a car. Must'a use'a club'a car.

"So we go to club'a car. While'a drinking vino, I start to light'a my big'a cigar. The conductor, he wag'a his finger again and say, 'No smoke'a in dese'a car. Must'a
go to smoker car.'"

"We go to smoker car and I smoke'a my cigar.

Later, my beautiful Virginia and I, we go to sleeper car and'a go to bed. We just about to have'a sex and the conductor, he walk'a through our corridor shouting at
top of his voice, 'NO- FOLK'A, VIRGINIA!' 'NO-FOLK'A VIRGINIA!"

"Next'a time, Im'a driva down to Florida".
 

A man takes his wife to a livestock show. They start heading down the alley where the bulls are kept. A sign in front of the first bull says: "This bull mated 50 times last year."

The wife turns to her husband and says, "He mated 50 times in a year! You could learn from him."

They proceed to the next bull and that sign states: "This bull mated 65 times last year."

The wife turns to her husband and says, "This one mated 65 times last year. That's over 5 times a month. You can learn from this one, big time."

They proceed to the last bull and his sign reads: "This bull mated 365 times last year."

The wife's mouth drops open as she gasps, "WOW! He mated 365 times last year. That's ONCE A DAY! You could really learn from this one!"

The man turns to his wife and says, "Yeah, okay. Go on up and inquire if it was 365 times with the same cow."
 

My friend's husband always teases her about her lack ofinterest in household chores.

One day he came home witha gag gift, a refrigerator magnet that read:"Martha Stewart doesn't live here."

The next day he came home to find the magnet holding up aslip of paper. The note read:"Neither does Bob Vila."
 

"The thrill is gone from my marriage," Bill told hisfriend Doug.

"Why not add some intrigue to your life and have an affair?" Doug suggested.

"But what if my wife finds out?"

"Heck, this is a new age we live in, Bill. Go ahead and tell her about it!"

So Bill went home and said, "Dear, I think an affair will bring us closer together."

"Forget it," said his wife. "I've tried that - it never worked."
 

A man and a woman had been married for ten years and decided to try and have kids.

They had not been using birth control for the entire time they had been married, so they thought they may have a problem conceiving.T

he woman decided to go to the gynecologist and see if they problem was with her. She had been hard of hearing since she was little.

The doctor examined her and came in to give her the conclusions.He said, "I'm sorry, but the problem is with you. You have insufficient passion and if you ever have a baby it will be a miracle."

The woman was very upset and went home crying.

Her husband got home and asked her what was wrong.

She said, "The doctor told me I've got a fish up my passage and if I ever have a baby it will be a mackerel."
 

One night at the dinner table, the wife commented,"When we were first married, you took the small pieceof steak and gave me the larger. Now you take the large one and leave me the smaller; You don't loveme any more..."

"Nonsense, darling," replied the husband, "you just cook better now."
 

What women want in a relationship: A handsome, loving professional man who will just love them for who they are.

What women get: A fat, balding fart machine who stays with them only because no other woman wants him.

What men want in a woman: A combination of Carol Brady and Pamela Lee Anderson; Wonderful Mom with big hooters and can suck the chrome off a flagpole.

What men get: Someone who immediately begins to gain those 80 extra lbs the moment after she says "I Do", beginning with the wedding cake!

What women want in bed: A passionate lover who takes the time to kiss And gently caress, slowly building up to a wonderful joyous experience together.

What they get: "Wham-Bam-Thank-You Ma'am!", Belch, Fart, Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz

1st anniversary card from husband to wife: "My sweet loving wife....I hope this first year is a reflection of the next 60 years, you are my heart and soul, I am forever yours."

5th anniversary card: "I love you so much honey...words cannot describe."

10th anniversary card: "Hey, how's it hangin'? Love Ya'!!"

15th anniversary card: "Ummmmmmmmm......'sup?"

16th anniversary card from wife to husband: "You are hereby summoned to divorce proceedings..."
 

A woman was letting her husband have it with just a touch more venom than usual, saying, "You're an idiot. You have always been an idiot. You'll always be an idiot.

If they had an idiot contest, you'd come in second."

"Why would I come in second?" her husband asked.

She replied, "Because you're an idiot!"
 

A friend and his co-worker were talking over a brown-bag lunch. Said one, "My wife and I hardly ever see each other. She works the night shift, and I work the day
shift. All we can do is pass each other in the hall."

His co-worker said, "Well, you have five children. How did you manage that?"

Said the first chap, "Loooooooooong hall."
 

Mueller is traveling with his wife and mother-in-law in a far east country.

At a place of honor his mother-in-law makes a careless remark, which the native peopletake as an insult to the Royal Family.

Mueller is dragged off to court with his wife and mother-in-law and are sentenced to corporal punishment.

Each of them are to receive 50 lashes on the rear end with a cane. Since the Royal Family doesn't want to appear hostile to foreigners, they grant the guests in their country a wish beforehand, as long as it is able to be fulfilled.

Mrs. Mueller is first. "What do you wish for yourself?"

"I would like a pillow bound on my rear end before the lashings."

"Okay, that shall be granted to you."

Mrs. Mueller has the pillow bound to her rear end and receives her punishment.

But because the pillow is too small and the executioner also hits her back a couple of times, she receives a few blows.

Next it is Mueller's mother-in-law's turn. "What do you wish for yourself?"

"I would like a pillow bound on my rear end and a pillow bound on my back before the lashings."

"Okay, that shall be granted to you."

The mother-in-law receives her fifty lashes, but hardly feels the pain through the pillows.

Then comes Mueller himself.

"What do you wish for yourself?"

"I have two wishes. Do you want to fulfill them for me?"

"Because you are a guest in our country, we want to fulfill your wishes for you, as long as they are reasonable."

"I would like 100 lashes instead of 50."

The executioner is surprised, but recovers again right away and replies, "Yes, that is a pious wish, it shall be granted to you. And what is your second wish?"

"I would like to have my mother-in-law bound to my back."
 

"Whats the matter, ma'am?" asked the maid, finding her mistress in tears.

"I've just discovered my husband is having an affair with his secretary!" she cried.

"Oh, nonsense!" snorted the maid. "You're only saying that to make me jealous!"

It was a May-December marriage, and as the old man climbed in to bed for the first time with his new bride, he asked, "Did your mother tell you what to do on your wedding night?"

"Yes," she cooed, kissing him lightly, "She told me everything."

"Good," said the elderly gentleman as he turned out the light, "because I've forgotten."
 

Betrayal

One day a man came home from work earlier than usual and caught his wife in bed with his best friend. Enraged, the husband grabbed a gun and shot his friend to death.

His wife said, "Y'know, if you go on like this, you're going to lose all your friends."

 

A husband and wife went to the fairgrounds. The wife wanted to go on the Ferris wheel, but the husband wasn't comfortable with that. So the wife went on the ride by herself.

The wheel went round and round and suddenly the wife was thrown out and landed in a heap at her husband's feet.

"Are you hurt?" he asked.

"Of course I'm hurt!" she replied. "Three times around and you didn't wave once!"

 

A man and his wife were talking and he says, "You know, I was thinking of going down to the bar tonight and entering that big-dick contest."

"Oh honey", she exclaims, "I don't want you taking that out in public!"

"But sweet thing", he says, "the prize is $100."

"I don't care", she says, " I don't want you showing that thing to everybody."

So he lets the subject drop until the following night when his wife walks in on him in the bedroom, counting out a hundred dollars.

"Did you go down and enter that big-dick contest last night after I told you not to?"

"Please forgive me, sweetheart." He says.

"You mean you took that thing out for everybody to see?", she says, tears welling up in her eyes.

The man looks at her fondly and says, "Only enough to win."

A jealous husband hired a private detective to check on the movements of his wife. The husband wanted more than a written report; he wanted video of his wife's activities.

A week later, the detective returned with a video. They sat downtogether to watch it. Although the quality was less than professional, the man saw his wife meeting another man! He saw the two of them laughing in the park. He saw them enjoying themselves at an outdoorcafe. He saw them dancing in a dimly lit nightclub. He
saw the man and his wife participate in a dozen activities with utter glee.

"I just can't believe this," the distraught husband said.

The detective said, "What's not to believe? It's right up there on the screen!"

The husband replied, "I can't believe that my wife could be so much fun!"

Two bitter rivals met at a convention.

The first said, "How's the wife these days?"

The second replied, "Fine, just fine thanks. And how's mine?"
 

The Amish wife walked into the barn one day and was aghast at what she saw in there. Instead of milking their cow, her husband was standing with his trousers down at the rear quarter of the bovine and humping away at it like a mink.

Angrily she yelled at him, "That's the most depraved and disgusting thing I've ever seen in my life! I'm going to tell everyone in the community that you were having sex with the cow!"

The Amish man, meanwhile, had finished up his task and was slowly pulling his trousers back up when he looked at his spouse and calmly replied, "Very well. You tell everyone I had sex with the cow and I'll tell everyone that it's because the cow is better than you!"
 

"You just go ahead," the man in the shopping mall said to his wife. "While you're shopping, I'll browse in the hardware store."

An hour later, she returned and saw him at the checkout counter. The clerk was ringing up the last of a pile of tools and supplies that would fill two wheelbarrows.

"Are you buying all this?" his wife asked incredulously.

"Well, yes," he said, embarrassed. Then waving his arm toward the interior of the store, he added, "But look at all the stuff I'm leaving behind!"
 

The eight qualities of a perfect husband ...

Brave
Intelligent
Gutsy

Polite
Energetic
Nutty
Industrious
Sensitive

And if all else fails, well ... read the CAPITAL LETTERS only
 

A farmer in Arkansas and his wife were lying in bed one evening.

She was knitting, he was reading the latest issue of Animal Husbandry.

He looked up from the page and said to her, "Did you know that humans are the only species in which the female achieves orgasm?"

She looks at him wistfully, smiles, and replies, "Oh yeah? Prove it."

He frowned for a moment, then said, "O.K."

He then got up and walked out, leaving his wife with a confused look on her face.

About half an hour later he returned all tired and sweaty and said, "Well, I'm sure the cow and sheep didn't, but the way that pig squealed, it was hard to tell."
 

A man answers the phone and has the following conversation:

"Yes, mother, I've had a hard day.

Gladys has been most difficult - I know I ought to be more firm, but it is hard. Well, you know how she is.

"Yes, I remember you warned me. I remember you told me that she was a vile creature who would make my life miserable and you begged me not to marry her.

"You were perfectly right."

"You want to speak with her?

All right." He looks up from the telephone and calls to his wife in the next room: "Gladys, your mother wants to talk to you!"
 

After a young couple brought their new baby home, the wife suggested that her husband should try his hand at changing diapers.

"I'm busy," he said. "I'll do the next one."The next time came around and she asked again. The husband narrowed his eyes as he looked at his wife. "I didn't mean the next diaper. I meant the next baby."
 

Gene replies, " Well not exactly, it's she that suffers, not me."
 

Five years after my wife, Bridgid, and I were married, we received our final wedding gift -- an ice-cream maker. In an attempt to cover procrastination with humor, the friend who sent it included a note: "I wanted to make sure the marriage would last."

Bridgid wasn't amused, but she thought the present deserved a thank-you note anyway, which she dutifully sent five years later.

Her note read: "I wanted to besure the ice-cream maker would last."
 

An elderly couple were listening to the radio one night and the announcer said there was a terrible blizzard coming. Please park your cars on the even side of the street.

So they did.

After a week or so they were listening to the radio again, another bad snow storm. Please park your cars on the odd side of the street.

So they did.

About a month later they were listening to the radio, another bad storm. But right in the middle of the broadcast the electricity went out. And Pa says to Ma," We don't know which side of the street to park the car."

So Ma says, "Let's just leave it in the garage tonight."
 

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.

An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the wife asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"

"Yep," the husband replied, "in-laws."

 

The Polish couple`s sex life was terrible, so they went out and bought a black market copy of a sexmanual.

"Honey,I want to eat your pussy like it says in the book, but it smells so bad. Why don`t you go out and buy some of that feminine deodorant spray?"

She agreed.

An hour later, she returned, all excited."You should see the flavors they have," she told her husband. "Strawberry, cherry, banana........"

"What did you get?" he interrupted.

"Tuna," she replied.
 

The highly religious young man entered his wedding chamber and was shocked to find his new young bride awaiting him, spread-eagled and naked on their bed.

"My dear!" he exclaimed, "I expected to find you beside our bed and on your knees!"

"OK," she said, obediently changing positions, "but I always get the hiccups when I screw in that position...."

A woman opened the door of a building and was about to step outside when she heard a voice saying, "Don't take that next step or you'll regret it." She paused and a brick came crashing to the pavement right where she would have been standing. She looked around and there was no one nearby.

The next day this woman was about to step into the street when she
heard this same voice say, "Don't take that next step or you'll regret
it." As she paused a truck came racing by and smashed into a nearby vehicle.

She knew if she hadn't listened to that voice she would have been hurt badly, or maybe even killed. She looked behind her and there was no one nearby. "All right," she said, "Who
\are you ?"

"I'm your guardian angel," the voice replied.

"Oh, if that's the case," the woman said, "Where were you on my wedding day?"

When I offered my assistance, he mentioned that his new wife was a fish fancier.

After I showed him around, he shouted, "There she is! That's the one I'll take."

As I scooped out the large sluggish goldfish with a gray splotch at the top of its head, the man exclaimed, "My bride will love this!

She's always wanted to know what my first wife looked like!"

 

A married couple is driving down the interstate doing 55 mph. The husband is behind the wheel. His wife looks over at him and says, "Honey, I know we've been married for 15 years, but, I want a divorce."

The husband says nothing but slowly increases speed to 60 mph. She then says, "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it, because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and he's a better lover than you."

Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as his anger increases.

She says, "I want the house." Again the husband speeds up, and now is doing 70 mph.

She says, "I want the kids too." The husband just keeps driving faster, and faster, now he's up to 80 mph.

She says, "I want the car, the checking account, and all the credit cards too." The husband slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass piling, as she says, "Is there anything you want?"

The husband says, "No, I've got everything I need."

She asks, "Really? What's that?"

The husband replies just before they hit the wall at 90 mph, "I've got the airbag!"
 

You know it's going to be a bad day when:

Your blind date turns out to be your ex-wife.

 

An angry husband was complaining to his friend about his slovenly wife. "She never does any housework, I never get a cooked meal, everything's dirty, including her. I'm so fed up I sleep on my own and I wish she was dead."

The friend suggested that he try killing her with sex. It wasn't an offense, after all.

So the man returned home, dragged his wife upstairs and kept her there the whole weekend. By the time Monday morning came he could hardly drag himself to work, but when he came home that night the house was spotless, a steak was cooking and she was standing there with a sexy see-through nightie on.

"You see, darling," she said. "Treat me right and I'll treat you right."
 

The next day, a guy from the electric company rings the doorbell, because the young couples haven't paid their last bill, "Are you Mrs. Smith? You're a month overdue, you know!"

"How do YOU know?" stammers the young woman."

"Well, ma'am, it's in our files!" says the man from the electric company.

"What are you saying? It's in your files?????"

"Absolutely."

"Well, let me talk to my husband about this tonight."

That night, she tells her husband about the visit, and he, mad as a bull, rushes to the electric company offices the next morning.

"What's going on here? You have it on file that my wife is a month overdue? What business is that of yours?"

"Just calm down," says the clerk, "it's nothing serious. All you have to do is pay us."

"PAY you? and if I refuse?"

"Well, in that case, sir, we'd have no option but to cut you off."

"And what would my wife do then?"

"I don't know. I guess she'd have to use a candle."

 

A man pacing back and forth glanced at his watch and
yelled upstairs to his wife, "Honey, are you ready yet?"

Shouting back, the woman replies, "For crying out loud,
I've been telling you for the last half hour that I'll
be ready in a minute!"

Mother had decided to trim her household budget wherever possible, so instead of having a dress dry-cleaned she washed it by hand. Proud ofher savings, she boasted to my father, "Just think, Fred, we are five dollars richer because I washed this dress by hand."

"Good," my dad quickly replied. "Wash it again!"

 

An older couple got married and went on a cruise for their honeymoon.

The first night when they went to their stateroom, they discovered they had bunk beds.

The old guy looked at his new bride and asked "Up or down?".

She threw him down and made love to him all night long. This went on the entire time.

When they got back home and went upstairs for the night the old guy looked at his wife and asked "Up or down?"

She asked what he was talking about.

He said when I asked you that on our honeymoon, you made love to me all night long.

She said "Oh, I forgot my hearing aid.

I thought you said Fuck or drown!"
 

A widow recently married to a widower was accosted by a friend who laughingly remarked, "I suppose, like all men who have been married before, your husband sometimes talks about his first wife?"

"Oh, not any more, he doesn't," the other replied.

"What stopped him?"

"I started talking about my next husband."
 

Mr. Robinson came home in great excitement and said to his wife, "You'll never believe it, dear, but I've discovered an entirely new position for lovemaking."

"Really," said Mrs. Robinson, interested at once. "What is it?"

"Back to Back"

"But that's crazy. We can't do anything back to back."

"Yes we can. I've persuaded another couple to help out!"
 

An older man was married to a younger woman. After several years of a very happy marriage, he had a heart attack. The doctor advised him that to prolong his life they should cut out sex.

He and his wife discussed the matter and decided that he should sleep in the family room downstairs to save them both from temptation.

One night, after several weeks, he decided that life without sex wasn't worth living. So he headed upstairs. He met his wife on the staircase and said, "I was coming
up to die."

She laughed and replied, "I was coming down to kill you!"
 

A man is getting his annual physical when the
doctor notices several dark, ugly bruises on the man's
shins.

"Do you play hockey, soccer or another physical sport?"
the doctor asks.

"No," says the man. "I play bridge with my wife."
 

A rural Frenchman was on trial for killing his wife when he found her with a neighbor.

Upon being asked why he shot her instead of her lover, he replied,
"Ah, m'sieur, is it not better to shoot a woman once, than a different man every week?"

 

On a visit to Chicago, I was eager to visit a posh department store about a dozen blocks from our hotel. My husband obligingly hailed a cab. "The lady wants to go to Neiman Marcus," he told the driver.

The cabby looked over his shoulder at us. "And the gentleman?" he asked. "Does he want to go to the bank?"

 

A man left work on Friday afternoon, but instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend hunting with the boys and spending his entire paycheck.

When he finally appeared at home Sunday night, he was confronted
by his very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade of his actions.

Finally, his wife stopped the nagging and said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"

To which he replied, "That would be fine with me."

Monday went by and he didn't see his wife.

Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.

Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.


 

My wife and I are both in an Internet business, but she's the one who truly lives, eat, and breathes computers.I

finally realized how bad it had gotten when I was scratching her back one day.

"No, not there," she directed. "Scroll down."
 

The definition of irreconcilable differences?

When she's melting down her wedding ring to cast it into a bullet.
 

Bernie was so excited about his promotion to Vice President of the company he worked for and kept bragging about it to his wife for weeks on end.

Finally she couldn't take it any longer, and told him, "Listen, it means nothing, they even have a vice president of peas at the grocery store!"

"Really?" he said. Not sure if this was true or not, Bernie boy decided to call the grocery store.

A clerk answered and Bernie said, "May I speak with the Vice President of peas, please?"

The clerk replied, "Canned or frozen?"
 

A widower who never paid any attention to his wife while she was alive now found himself missing her desperately. He went to a psychic to see if he could contact his late wife.

The psychic went into a trance. A strange breeze waftedthrough the darkened room, and suddenly, the man heard the unmistakable voice of his dearly departed wife.

"Honey!" he cried. "Is that you?"

"Yes, my husband."

"Are you happy?"

"Yes, my husband."

"Happier than you were with me?"

"Yes, my husband...much happier ! "

"Then Heaven must be an amazing place!"

"I'm not in Heaven, dear."
 

"Doc, I can't sleep anymore," John complained. "I've tried everything, but I just toss and turn."

"You have to learn to relax," the doctor said. "Try putting each part of your body to sleep separately."

That night John crawled into bed, got comfortable and started to talk to his body. "Toes, go to sleep," he whispered. "Feet, go to sleep. Legs, go to sleep. Hips, go to sleep. Stomach, go to sleep"

Just then his wife Jill walked in wearing a transparent teddy.

John opened one eye, then lifted his head from the pillow. "OK," he shouted, "up, up...everybody up!"
 

While John and Jill were shopping at a mall kiosk, a shapely young woman in a short form-fitting dress strolled by...

Johns eyes followed her.

Without looking up from the item Jill was examining, she asked, "Was it worth the trouble you're now in?"
 

A couple, who had been married for 40 years, were celebrating their 60th birthdays. During the celebration, a fairy godmother appeared and said that, because they had been such a loving couple all those years, she would give them each one wish.

Being the faithful, loving spouse, naturally the wife wanted to take a romantic vacation with her husband, so she wished for them to travel around the world. The fairy godmother waved her wand and . . . boom! The wife had the tickets in her hand.

Next, it was the husband's turn and the fairy godmother assured him he could have any wish he wanted. All he needed to do was ask for his heart's desire.

He paused for a moment, and then said, "Well, honestly, I'd like to have a woman 30 years younger than me."

The fairy godmother picked up her wand and . . . boom! . . . he was 90

........Don't you just love fairy godmothers?
 

There was an old man shopping for a gift for him andhis wife's 60th wedding anniversary. He went to a lingerieshop and told the saleswoman, "I want the most
expensive, most see-through nightie you have".

The saleswoman wrapped up a completely see-through nightie that cost $500. The man gave the woman the money and left the store very excited.

When he got home he gave his wife the box and she opened it. She thought "I'm too old for this, what the heck am I going to do with it"?

The old man said "why don't ya go upstairs and try it on for me".

The woman took the nighie upstairs and had an idea. She thought she would take the nightgown back and get the money, and go downstairs naked, pretending she had it on. "He can't see anyway; he'll never notice."

She went downstairs completely naked and said "well, what do you think"?

The old man looking disappointed said "for $500 they could have at least ironed the damn thing".

 

One evening a husband comes home to his apartment very roughed up.

When his wife sees him she asks, "What happened to you?"

"I got into a fight with the apartment manager."

"Whatever for?" asks his wife.

"He said he had slept with every woman in the apartment complex except one!"

"Hmmmmm", relies his wife. "I bet it's that snooty Mrs. Green on the third floor."

Early in their marriage, my Dad did something really stupid. My Mom chewed him out for it. He apologized,they made up.

However, from time to time, my Mom mentioned what he had done.

"Honey," my Dad finally said one day, "why do you keep bringing that up? I thought your policy was 'forgive and forget.'"

"It is," she said. "I just don't want you to forget that I've forgiven and forgotten."

 

In a village in South Africa there was a young man who was what some people call a Cassanova, good with the ladies. He had all kinds of ladies. He liked them all, fat ones, short ones, skinny ones, didn't matter.

The trouble was that he had a true love, a virgin that he was saving for marriage. This innocent virgin, her name was Mary, did not know anything about sex. Of course our Tiger of the Village wanted to keep things that way.

Well, finally they were married and on the wedding night Mary was very impressed with sex. She told her new husband that she did not know a man was built that way.What a wonderful thing men had to please women.

Our Tiger did not want her to think that all men were the same, so he told her, "I tell you something, Honey, I am the only man in the world with such a thing." She believed him.

The "Tiger" of the village was a sheep herder and had to go to the hills for weeks at a time. He had been gone for a couple of weeks when he came back and began to look for his new bride. When he got to their hut she wasn't there. He then went down through the village looking for her.

"Mary, Mary, where are you?"

Finally, he meets up with her on the street. Mary appears to be very angry and frustrated.

"You son-of-a-bitch, you bastard, you good for nothing!!" and begins to hit and fight with him.

"Hey whoa, what's the matter baby, what did I do? I didn't do nothing. Why are you mad at me?" our Tiger asks.

Mary says, "Yeah, you asshole, you know Sancho, the lazy one from across the street? Well, he has one also" and she points to his genitals.

Our hero thinks about it, she must have seen this guy taking a leak. "Hey Honey, I tell you something, you know what? Sancho, he is my best friend. I used to have two of them and since Sancho is my friend, I give him one."

Our Tiger is all smiles and goes over to hug Mary.

Mary is now angrier and begins to punch him over and over. "You stupid man, you dumb ass," she yells at him, "YOU GAVE HIM THE BEST ONE!!"

 

Two women go out one weekend without their husbands. As they came back, right before dawn, both of them drunk, they felt the urge to pee. They noticed the only place to stop was a cemetery. Scared and drunk, they stopped and decided to go there anyway.

The first one did not have anything to clean herself with, so she took off her panties and used them to clean herself and discarded them.

The second not finding anything either, thought "I'm not getting rid of my panties..." so she used the ribbon of a flower wreath to clean herself.

The morning after, the two husbands were talking to each other on the phone, and one says to the other: " We have to be on the look-out, it seems that these two were up to no good last night, my wife came home
without her panties...".

The other one responded: "You're lucky, mine came home with a card stuck to her ass that read, "We will never forget you".
 

I noticed my husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach.

Thinking he was trying to weigh less with this maneuver, I commented, "I don't think that is going to help, honey."

"Sure it does," he said. "It's the only way I can see the numbers!"
 

On their 50th wedding anniversary, Jill and John summed up the reason for their long and happy marriage.

John said, "I have tried never to be selfish. After all, there is no "I" in the word 'marriage.'"

Jill said, "For my part, I have never corrected my husband's spelling."
 

On their wedding night, the young bride went up to her new husband.

"Since we're married now, we can arrange our sex life like this: In the evening, if my hair is done, that means I don't want sex at all. If my hair is somewhat undone, that means I may or may not have sex. And if my hair is completely undone, that means I want sex."

"Okay sweetheart," the groom replied. "Just make sure, when I come home, I usually have a drink. If I have only one drink, that means I don't want sex. If I have two drinks, I may or may not want sex. But if I have three drinks, your hair doesn't matter!"
 

John accused his wife Jill of having no sense of humor.

Jill responded, "You've got to be kidding. I even have an official document that says I have a sense of humor."

John said, "What document?"

Jill replies, "Our marriage license.

A man called into a local radio station and told the "morning guys" that his wife had given him an ultimatum: "Until he quit smoking, he wasn't going to get any sex."

They asked him, "How long do you think you'll be able to hold out?"

His reply, "Until my girlfriend dies."

Marriage is like taking a hot bath.

After you've been in it for a while ... it isn't so hot.

This guy goes out with his buddies for a night on the town and they cap off the festivities by going to a house of ill repute.

A week later, the guy visits his doctor complaining of a large green lump on the end of his penis.

The doctor does a thorough exam, then pulls down a weighty medical book and flicks through it till he finds what he's looking for. He looks up and says, "I'm
afraid this is serious. We'll have to operate!"

"Operate?", exclaims the fellow, "Why, Doc? What's the problem?"

"Well, you know how boxers can get a cauliflower ear? You've developed the same sort of thing. You've got a brothel sprout."
 

Soon after our last child left home for college, my husband was resting next to me on the couch with his head in my lap. I carefully removed his glasses.

"You know, honey," I said sweetly,"without your glasses, you look like the same handsome young man I married."

"Honey," he replied with a grin. "Without my glasses, you still look pretty good too!"
 

John woke up one morning immensely aroused so he turned over to his wife's side of the bed. His wife, Heather, had already awakened though, and she was downstairs
preparing breakfast in the kitchen. Afraid that he might spoil things by getting up, John called his little boy into the room and asked him to' Bring this note to your beautiful Mummy.' The note read:

The Tent Pole Is Up,
The Canvas Is Spread,
The Hell With Breakfast,
Come Back To Bed.

Heather, grinning, answered the note and then asked her son to 'Bring this to your silly Daddy.' The note read:

Take The Tent Pole Down,
Put The Canvas Away,
The Monkey Had A Hemorrhage,
No Circus Today.

John read the note and quickly scribbled a reply. Then, he asked his son to take it back to 'The lady in the kitchen'. The note read:

The Tent Pole's Still Up,
And The Canvas Still Spread,
So Drop What You're Doing,
And Come Give Me Some Head.

Laughing, Heather answered the note and then asked her son to 'Take this to the poor man upstairs'. The note read:

I'm Sure That Your Pole's
The Best In The Land.
But I'm Busy Right Now,
So Do It By Hand!
 

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. The next week, the man realized that he would need his wife
to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight to Chicago. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (AND LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM."

The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and that he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't woken
him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
 

This guy Chris gets a call from his buddy John one day, and John is on the phone crying.

Chris asks, "John, what's wrong? You sound really upset."

"Well," replies John, "my wife's been cheatin' on me."

"With who?" asks Chris.

"The neighbor," replies John.

"That damn dirty slut!" says Chris.

"Yeah," replies John, "you think I'm upset, you should've heard how upset the neighbor's husband was."

This couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out into town and party, so he says to his new wife: "Honey, I'll be right back..."

"Where are you going coochi cooh...?" Asks the wife.

"I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I'm going to have a beer."

The wife puts her hands on her hips and says to him:"You want a beer my love...?" Then she opens the door to the refrigerator and shows him 25 different kinds of beer brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc....

The husband doesn't know what to do, and the only thing that he can think of saying is: "Yes, loolie loolie ... but the bar .... you know ... the frozen glass."

He didn't get to finish saying the sentence, when the wife interrupts him by saying: "You want a frozen glass puppy face...?" She takes out of the freezer a huge beer mug so frozen that the wife was getting the chills from holding it.

The husband looking a bit pale says:"Yes, tootsie roll, but at the bar they have those
hoer's de devours that are really delicious... I won't be long. I'll be right back. I promise. OK?"

"You want hoer's de devours poochi pooh..?" She opens the oven and takes out 15 dishes of different hoer's de devours ...chicken wings, pigs in the blanket, mushroom
caps, pork strips,etc...

"But sweet honey ... at the bar ... you know ... the swearing, the dirty words and all that..."

"You want dirty words cutie pie...?HERE, ASSHOLE, DRINK YOUR F*CKING BEER IN YOUR GODDAMNED FROZEN GLASS AND EAT YOUR F*CKING HOER'S DE
VOURS, BECAUSE YOU AREN'T GOING ANYWHERE. YOU FUCKING SHIT!!"
 

"That wife of mine is a liar," said the angry husband to a sympathetic pal seated next to him in the bar.

"How do you know?" the friend asked.

"She didn't come home last night and when I asked her where she'd been, she said she had spent the night with her sister, Shirley."

"So?"

"So she's a liar. I spent the night with her sister, Shirley."
 

A woman was complaining to the neighbor that her husband always came home late, no matter how she tried to stop him.

"Take my advice," said the neighbor, "and do what I did. Once my husband came home at three o'clock in the morning, and from my bed, I called out: 'Is that you, Jim?'

"And that cured him." ?

"Cured him?" asked the woman, "but how?"

The neighbor said, "You see, his name is Ted."

 

Rated PG

A man in Tarritville, Connecticut, filed for divorce because his wife left him a note on the refrigerator that read: "I have gone to the bridge club. There'll be a recipe for your dinner at 7 o'clock on Channel 2

A man in Hazard, Kentucky, divorced his wife because she "beat him whenever he removed onions from his hamburger without asking for permission."

A deaf man in Bennettsville, South Carolina, filed for divorce because his wife "was always nagging him in sign language."

A woman in Canon City, Colorado, divorced her husband because he forced her to "duck under the dashboard whenever they drove past his girlfriend's house." (Remember this Mr. Redifer )

A woman in Hardwick, Georgia, divorced her husband on the grounds that he "stayed home too much and was much too affectionate."

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY:

Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

For anyone who feels they've been invited to too many weddings lately have a laugh. This is actually true. It was in a local newspaper in South Carolina and even Jay Leno mentioned it on the Tonight Show. This is a true story about a recent wedding that took place at Clemson University. It was a huge wedding with about 300 guests.

After the wedding, at the reception, the groom got up on stage at the microphone to talk to the crowd. He said that he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from long distances, to support them at their wedding. He especially wanted to thank the bride's and groom's families for coming and to thank his new father-in-law for providing such a fabulous reception.

To thank everyone for coming, bringing gifts and everything, he said he wanted to give everyone a special gift just from him. So taped to the bottom of everyone's chair, including the wedding party, was a manila envelope.

He said that this was his gift and told everyone to open their envelopes.

Inside each envelope was an 8x10 photo of his best man having sex...with the bride. He had gotten suspicious of the two of them and hired a private detective to trail them weeks prior to the wedding.

After he stood there and watched the people's reactions for a couple of minutes, he turned to the best man and said, "FUCK you!" He turned to his bride and said, "FUCK you!" Then he turned to the dumbfounded crowd and said, "I'm out of here!"

He had the marriage annulled the first thing that Monday morning. While most of us would have broken off the engagement immediately after finding out about the affair, this guy goes through with it anyway, as if nothing was wrong.

His revenge:

1) Making the bride's parents pay over $32,000 for 300 guests for a wedding and reception.

2) Letting everyone know exactly what did happen. And, best of all...

3) Trashing the bride's and best man's reputations in front of all of their friends and their entire families.

This guy has balls the size of church bells. Do you think we might see one of those MasterCard "Priceless" commercials out of this? Huh?

Elegant wedding for 300 family and guests -- $32,000
Photographers for the wedding -- $3,000
Deluxe Honeymoon accommodations in Maui for 2 weeks -- $8,500
The look on everyone's faces after seeing a photo of the Bride and Best Man having sex -- Priceless!!!
 

Jasmeet Kaur watched her husband Santa Singh searching high and low, all over the living room.

Jasmeet: "What are you so frantically searching?"

Santa: "Hidden cameras!"

Jasmeet: "And what makes you think there are hidden cameras here?"

Santa: "Or else, every few minutes, how is that guy on television saying...'You are watching the Star World Channel'?

"How can he know what I am watching?"
 

Grandma and Grandpa were sitting in their porch rockers watching the beautiful sunset and reminiscing about "the good old days," when Grandma turned to Grandpa and said, "Honey, do you remember when we first started dating and you used to just casually reach over and take my hand?"

Grandpa looked over at her, smiled and obligingly took her aged hand in his.

With a wry little smile, Grandma pressed a little farther, "Honey, do you remember how after we were engaged, you'd sometimes lean over and suddenly kiss me on the cheek?"

Grandpa leaned slowly toward Grandma and gave her a lingering kiss on her wrinkled cheek.

Growing bolder still, Grandma said, "Honey, do you remember how, after we were first married, you'd kind of nibble on my ear?"

Grandpa slowly got up from his rocker and headed into the house.

Alarmed, Grandma said, "Honey, where are you going?"

Grandpa replied, "To get my teeth!"
 

Rated G

An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From morning till night (and sometimes later), she was always complaining about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule. He tried to plow a lot.

One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began haranguing him again. Complain, nag, nag; it just went on and on.

All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet; caught her smack in the back of the head. Killed her dead on the spot.

At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement. This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it.

So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head
and disagreed with all the men.

The old farmer said: "Well, the women would come up and say something about
how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in
agreement."

"And what about the men?" the minister asked.

"They wanted to know if the mule was for sale."
 

The Englishman's wife steps up to the tee and as she bends over to place her ball a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.

"Good God! Why aren't you wearing any knickers?" her husband demanded.

"Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford to buy any."

The Englishman immediately reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency here's 50 pounds, go and buy yourself some underwear."

Next the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt blows up to show that she is wearing no undies.

"Bejesus woman. You've no knickers - why not?" She replies, "I can't afford any on the money you give me."

He reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency here's 20 pounds, go and buy yourself some underwear!"

Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she too is naked under it.

"Hoot, lassie! Why d'ye have no knickers?"

She too explains, "You don't give me enough housekeeping money to be able to afford any."

The Scot reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency here's a comb. Tidy yourself up a bit!"
 

Willie comes home from work, as he walks in the door Ethel grabs him and says, "Come on, Willie, we're going upstairs!"

Willie replies, "OK. That's one of my favorite things!"

As soon as they get upstairs, Ethel grabs Willie,throws him down on the bed and jumps aboard.Willie protests, "Stop, Stop, We can't do it that way anymore!"

Ethel asks, "What do you mean Willie, I like it that way, and so do you."

Willie replies, "You're sure right on that, in fact that is one of my favorite things. But if we do it that way any more I'll lose my job."

Ethel asks, "What do you mean Willie? That doesn't make any sense!"

Willie explains, "The boss called me in the office today and told me, 'Willie, You screw up one more time, and you're fired!'"
 

Few Quick ones on Marriage!

My aunt learned how to live with her husband's sleepwalking. She gave him a vacuum.

A married couple were having a disagreement while sitting in bed. The wife said to her husband, "You're impossible," to which the husband replied, "No. I'm next to impossible."

The number of divorces in this country proves that this is the land of the free. The number of marriages proves that it is truly the home of the brave.

Marriage is made in heaven...so are lightning and thunder.

A bachelor is a man who believes in life, liberty, and the happiness of pursuit.

A man was explaining to his marriage counselor how he really loved his wife, Edith, but he just couldn't drop his mistress, Kate. The marriage counselor shook his head and said, "You can't have your Kate and Edith too."

Courtship is like looking at the beautiful photos in a seed catalog. Marriage is what actually comes up in your garden.

My husband wants to go camping so he can hear the call of the wild. I told him that he could hear it for free if he'd just stay home sometimes with the kids.

A new father is looking down at the crib where his new baby girl is sleeping.

Looks of confusion and amazement are on his face when his wife walks in.

She looks at him and asks, "What are you thinking dear?"

The husband replies, "I am just so amazed at this!"

His wife says, "so am I"

As he looks up he asks his wife, "How could anyone make a crib like this for only $49.99?"
 

A forty-ish woman was jumping up and down on her bed, squealing with delite when her husband walked in. "What in the hell are you doing? You look foolish jumping up and down like a kid.", he said.

She replied, " I just came from the doctor's office, and he said I have the breasts of an eighteen year old."

"What did he say about your 43 year old ass?" he sneered.

"Oh, he didn't ask about you, dear."
 

QUESTION: What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?

ANSWER: A widow
 

Jack's grandfather left him ten million dollars, and the next week Diane agreed to marry him.

After three months of married life, Jack noticed that his beautiful new wife was ignoring him more and more.

On the rare occasion that she would go to bed with him she would be indifferent, or even worse, called out other men's names!

Whenever they went out in public, she ignored him and flirted with other men. Finally, he decided to confront her.

"Diane," he said, "the only reason you married me was because my grandfather left me ten million dollars when he died!"

"Don't be ridiculous," she replied, "I don't care who gave you the money!"

 

How To Know Whether or Not You Are Ready to Have Children...

Mess Test:

Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Place a fish stick behindthe couch and leave it there all summer.

Toy Test:

Obtain a 55-gallon box of Legos. (If Legos are not available, you
maysubstitute roofing tacks) Have a friend spread them all over the house.Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream.(This could wake a child at night.)

Grocery Store Test:

Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop at the grocery store. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.

Dressing Test:

Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag,
making sure that all arms stay inside.

Feeding Test:

Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a stout cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal (such as Fruit Loops or Cheerios) into the mouth of the jug, while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.

Night Test:

Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8 - 12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 8:00 PM, begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00 PM. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for10:00PM.Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard.Make up about a dozen more and sing these too until 4:00 AM. Set alarm for 5:00 AM. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.

Physical Test (Women):

Obtain a large beanbag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 10 of the beans.

Physical Test (Men):

Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the
clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.

Final Assignment:

Find a couple who already has a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training, and child's table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasize to them that they should never allow their children to run riot. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you will have all the answers.;D

 

I Love Her, But...(A collection of men's thoughts on their women.)... she was furious when I got up early once and made her breakfast. Called me controlling. How dare I decide that she would eat breakfast, let alone what she'd have?

--Ted, Wexford, Pa

.... what's mine is hers. I buy her negligees; she sleeps in my T-shirts. When she's cold she wears my wool socks to bed, never her own. She steals my half-used razors; new ones are too sharp. She even wears my boxers. I'm tempted to switch to briefs just to see what she'd do.

--Dave, Martha's Vineyard, Mass

.... she makes lists. Things to buy. Things to do. People to call. If it's not on the list, it doesn't get done. Once, to be funny, I put "sex" on the list. Mistake. Now it has to be on the list, or it doesn't get done.

--Nick, Wheeling, W.Va.

... you can hear her eat soup from the next room.

--Bruce, Bridgewater, N.J.

... when she gets an idea in her head, there's no stopping her. And no rest for anyone until it's done. It's not so bad when the idea is to bake cookies, or even to go on vacation. But when it's to build a newhouse, or to get pregnant, things get pretty intense.

--Jim, Minneapolis

... my wife thinks everyone should be a vegetarian. During meals, she asks people how they can eat dead cows, or if they know that their pork chops used to be smarter than their dogs.

--Miles, Shreveport, La

.... every so often boom! she's a brunette. Or I come home to a redhead. Actually, I have no idea what her natural color is.

--Cary, Seattle

... she'll brush her teeth but she won't go to the dentist. She says she's not afraid of the pain, she just doesn't want to put herself in the hands of any fellow who'd choose to be a dentist.

--Terence, Gary, Ind

.... she's stopped shaving her legs. She says that now people will know she's a natural blonde.

--Ned, Tucson, Ariz

.... she takes her half of the bed out of the middle.

-Robin, Gladwyne, Pa

.... have you ever seen a woman with green crust and slime smeared over her face, dark holes for her nostrils? Do you think you'd be able to sleep at night, knowing that creature is next to you?

--Arthur, Cedar City, Utah

... my wife's allergic to everything. Her nose is chronically stuffed. If I kissed her on the mouth, she'd suffocate.

--Bryan, Toledo, Ohio

... after sex, I mean the second after, she continues where she left off. Her eyes open and before you can breathe, you hear, " ... and, oh, yeah, I have to defrost the chicken, and your mother wants you to pickup her dry cleaning ..."

--Jimmy, Fort Lauderdale, Fla

.... in bed I'm her high school teacher, captain of the football team, her boss, the bad boy, a waiter, a lifeguard, a telephone repairman, a cop. Once in a while I'd like to be me.

--Neil, Orlando, Fla.... she wears these false eyelashes. She left 'em lying around and I slammed 'em with my newspaper, tried to kill the damn things. Scared me half to death.

--Gordon, Oklahoma City, Okla

.... she takes those soaps too seriously. I'll come home and find her in tears because some character died. Or upset that some nonexistent guy's having a fictional affair.

--Archie, St. Louis... she will not shop at discount stores or sales. She thinks they're crowded and plebeian. She doesn't even look at the reduced rack, other than, perhaps, for gifts for my mother.

--Conrad, Wilmington, Del

.... it annoys her that our children look like me.

--James, New Orleans.

.. counting my wife and our teenage girls, that's four women. Somebody's always got PMS.

--Everett, Little Rock, Ark

.... with five kids, I don't have time to complain about my wife. I don't have time to notice her.

--Bob, Charleston, W.Va.
 

Husband to wife:

"I've finally figured out what's wrong with our budget. There's too much month left at the end of the money."

 

A man says to his wife on their wedding night,"Are you sure I am
the first man you have slept with."

She replies, "Of course honey. I stayed awake with all the others."

 

Way down in dat old swamp known as Louisiana, Boudreaux's old lady's been pregnant for some time, and now her time had come. So, he brought her to the doctor, and the doctor began to deliver the baby.

She had a little boy, and the doctor looked over at Boudreaux and said, Hey, Boudreaux, you just had you a son! Aint dat just grand"?

Boudreaux got excited by this, but just then the doctor spoke up and said, "Hold on! We ain't finished up yet!"

The doctor then delivered a little girl.

He said, "Hey, Boudreaux! You got you a daughter! She a pretty lil ting, too."

Boudreaux was kind of puzzled by all this, and then the doctor said, "Hold on, we still ain't got done yet!"

The doctor then delivered another boy and said, " Boudreaux, you just had youself another boy!"

When Boudreaux and Marie went home with their three children, he sat down with his wife and said, "Mama, you remember dat night what we runned out of dat dere Vaseline and we had to use dat dere 3-in-1 Oil?"

She said, "Yeah, I do."

Boudreaux exclaimed, "Man, it's a damn good ting we didn't use no WD-40!"

 

Once again, miscommunication between women and men

A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally the doctor asks him what happened.

"Well, it was like this," said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows.

"We went to look for it and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball.......... stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my mistake."

"What did you do?", asks the doctor.

"Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!'"
 

There are several men sitting around in the locker room of a private club after exercising. Suddenly a cell phone on one of the benches rings. One of the men picks it up, and the following conversation ensues:

"Hello?" "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

"Ummm, yes."

"Great! I am at the mall two blocks from where you are and I just saw this beautiful mink coat. It's absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it, please?"

"What's the price?"

"Only $15,000.00."

"Well, OK, go ahead and get it, if you like it that much..."

"Ahhh..... and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the brand new 2001 models. I saw one I really liked and spoke with the salesman. He gave me a really good price. Since we really need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year........."

"What price did he quote you?"

"Only $60,000..
.
" Well, OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

"Great! But before we hang up, just one more thing......"

"What's that ?"

"Now this might look like a little bit much, but I was
reconciling your bank account ...... ummm...... well, I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and saw that house we had looked at last year. It's on sale!! Remember? The one with a pool, English Garden, acre of park area, beachfront property..."

"So, how much are they asking?"

"Only $850,000 a magnificent price..... I see that we have that much in the bank to cover..."

"Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just bid $820,000. OK?"

"OK, sweetie...Thanks! I'll see you later!! I love you!!!"

"Bye...I do too..."

The man hangs up while slowly shaking his head and closes the phone's flap. Then he holds the phone up and asks to all those present:

"Hey, does anyone know who this phone belongs to?"
 

My husband and I had a really nice wedding. We have a mixed marriage. I'm Jewish and he ain't.

For my family, he crushed a beer can under his foot.

For his family, I pretended I was a virgin.

A few years back.... I was holding my 9 month old nephew and he kept grabbing at my nose. My husband, thinking he was being funny, said, "Well Honey, babies grab the biggest thing they see!"

Without hesitation I replied, "If that's true Dear, then you could be sitting there naked and he would still grab your nose!"
 

A man comes home from a tough day of work looking to unwind. After a relaxing dinner with his wife, they retire to their twin beds.

However, the man was not yet ready to slumber, and called over to his wife.

"My little boopey-boo, I'm lonely."

So the woman gets out of bed and crosses the room to the husband. On the way, she trips on the carpet and falls on her face.

The husband, with a concerned look on his face says, "Oh, did my little honey-bunny fall on her little nosey-wosey?"

The woman just smiles, gets up and enters hubby's bed. The two have passionate sex, and afterwards the woman rolls out.

As she is returning to her bed, she once again catches her foot on the carpet and falls flat on her face.

The man looks over his shoulder at his wife lying on the floor and says, "Clumsy bitch."


 

A newly wedded couple promised that they would never lie to each other.

The husband had the hots for his female secretary who showed equal interest.

One day he fucked his sexy secretary (doggy style) all day long at office.

On reaching home late at night, he was feeling a little nervous as he loved his wife and didnt want to lie to her.

His wife asked him sweetly"How was your day darling? Must have worked hard ".

The man said very "honestly" and confidently "Yeah darling just kept working like a dog all day..."

 

"That bastard husband of mine wanted me to sleep with the landlord because he lost the rent money playing poker," the housewife told a neighbor.

"You didn't do it, did you?" the neighbor asked.

"I have to admit I did though with certain misgivings, I might add. What I haven't done, though, is tell my husband the rent is paid up for six months!"
 

The husband says to his wife, "You always carry my photo in your
handbag to the office. Why?"

She says, "When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I
look at your picture and the problem disappears."

He smirks and replies, "You see, how miraculous and powerful I am
for you?"

She calmly replies, "Yes, I see your picture and say to
myself, '"What other problem can there be greater than this one?"
 

"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower,

"Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"

"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.
 

My husband came home with a tube of KY jelly and said, "This will make you happy tonight."

He was right. When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it all over the doorknobs. He couldn't get back in.
 

Bob needed to call home to tell his family that he'd be running late, but the only pay phone he could find nearby was in use by another man. So, he stood to the side and waited until it was free, thinking it would only be a couple of minutes.

Five minutes went by, and still the man was on the phone. He was just standing there holding the phone to his ear but not saying a word.

Ten minutes later, he still wasn't talking... fifteen minutes later... he still wasn't talking.

Finally, Bob got impatient and tapped the man on the shoulder and asked if he could use the telephone, saying, "I really won't be long and I really need to make a short but important call."

"Hold your horses," responded the man using the pay phone, covering the receiver, "I'm talking to my wife!"

In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.

In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

 

David walked into the bedroom to find his wife rolling in the hay with another man.

"What in the name of god is going on? Who is this man?"

His wife thought for a moment, then said, "That's a fair question."

She turned to the other man and asked, "What's your name?"

My wife suggested a book for me to read to enhance our relationship.

It's entitled, 'Women are From Venus, Men Are Wrong'

 

Housecleaning Tips While Wife Is Away

Sweeping and Mopping the Floors Have dog sweep floors with tail and lick up all crumbs...(any stubborn spots that require scrubbing recruit cat... may have to add tuna water to spot). If you don't have a dog or cat...well you are in trouble.... go find one roaming the neighbourhood quick!

Vacuuming Call for demo from salesman. Have him show you how the vacuum works in all parts of the house... insisting the carpet looks the same... but really is different in all parts of the house. Tips for success on't always call same company... keep a chart and rotate.

Dusting Only do what is at eye level or below. And only right before someone is coming over! Run rag over everything quickly (don't even waste your precious time on the Pledge or Endust... that's minutes away from your computer...and that just is unacceptable!) For the illusion of using those products... spray a few squirts to air like air freshener.

Laundry First find a good place to hide it! If you have to do it... like you have no underwear... (heck who needs underwear). Okay... lets say its time to fold those rotten clothes... run the dryer again... and again and again... and when the utility bill comes.... have a stroke!

Cleaning Toilet Close the lid.

Cleaning Shower Close the shower door or curtain.

Cleaning the Rest of the Bathroom Close the door. Again... for the illusion of a freshly cleaned bath... pour some lysol in the trash can... that illusion will stay until you finally get someone to empty the trash for you. Speaking of which......

Taking out the Trash If you cant find anyone in your house to take it out... bribe a neighbor... say you hurt your back or some other sob story...that one might be good for getting at least a few sympathy dinners out of the neighbor as well! Try not to use it too often... they might get suspicious.

Dishes Dishwasher... if it doesn't come off run it again and again...if that doesn't work... throw the dish out and start fresh. Better yet... paper plates, plastic utensils and plastic cups are far better way to go... (as long as your neighbor is taking out the trash).

 

A man came home and said to his wife, "Honey, I'm sure horny; how about a little bit tonight?" "No," she said, "I've got cold crème on my face and I'm afraid I might get it on the bed." He said, "Ok," and went on to bed.

The next night he came in and said, "Honey, I'm really horny tonight, how about a little bit?" She said, "No, I've got a mud said, "Ok." and went on to sleep.

The next night he came home and said, "Honey, I'm really horny tonight, how about a little bit?" She said, "No, I took a laxative and I'm afraid I might shit on the bed." He said, "Ok," and went on to sleep.

The next night he came home and said, "Honey, I'm really getting horny, how about a little bit tonight?" She said, "No, I'm on my period. I'm afraid I might get blood on the bed." "Ok," he said and went on to sleep.

The next night he came home with a big cowboy hat, jeans and spurs on. His wife asked what the outfit was for. He replied, "Cream, mud, shit, or blood, old Tex is gonna ride tonight!!"

 

My husband and I have been married for 13 years and one night he was feeling rather amorous! Well, we started to make love around 1 am and didn't stop until 2:03...

Did I mention that this was the night they set the clocks up and hour at 2 am?

As they started the car for the long trip back into the city, Peter and Kate said their goodbyes to their good friend, Jeff.

"Thanks for putting us up for the weekend," said Peter. "The food was great, the booze and dope were superb, and I really enjoyed fucking your wife."

Shortly after hitting the road, Kate turned to her husband and said,
"I hope you weren't serious about fucking his wife and enjoying it!"

"No, I wasn't serious," replied Peter, "she was lousy."

 

One night at the dinner table, Jill commented, "When we were first married, you took the small piece of steak and gave me the larger. Now you take the large one and leave me the smaller. You don't love me any more!"

"Nonsense, darling," replied John, "you just cook better now."
 

Tammy and Doug were playing with their new puppy, and Doug commented that it was strange that an unrelated species would come into their home, love us, play with us, work for us, and we would give them food and love in return.

Without hesitation, Tammy looked at him and said, "I feel the same way about men."
 

After living in the remote wilderness of Kentucky all his life, an old codger decided it was time to visit the big city.

In one of the stores he picks up a mirror and looks in it. Not knowing what it was, he remarked, "How about that! Here's a picture of my daddy."

He bought the 'picture', but on the way home he remembered his wife, Lizzy, didn't like his father. So he hung it in the barn, and every morning before leaving for the fields, he would go there and look at it.

Lizzy began to get suspicious of these many trips to the barn..

One day after her husband left, she searched the barn and found the mirror.

As she looked into the glass, she fumed, "So that's the ugly gal he's runnin' around with."
 

After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you."

The husband replied: "Yes, Dear, but I was in love and didn't notice it."
 

Ruth was complaining to her doctor at the annual checkup, "I'm losing my urge to make love."

"Mrs. Edelman, it's quite natural and understandable. After all,you are eighty-four," said the doctor. "But please tell me,when did you start to notice the change?"

"Last night," she answered, "and then again this morning."

"Aha!" exclaimed the physician. "Your problem isn't a diminished sex drive. What you need is to be coupling at least fifteen times a month."

After thanking him, she headed home, eager to let her husband know her doctor's prescription.

"Guess what? He says I need it fifteen times a month, at least!"

Putting in his dentures her husband said, "That's great, honey.
Put me down for five."
 

In the middle of lunch, Mrs. Slotnick is interrupted by a committee of workmen who report that her husband has just been badly wounded on the job and is incritical condition at the hospital. She does not say a word and continues eating.

They say again, "Do you hear what we are telling you, Mrs. Slotnick? Your husband was hurt and he is in critical condition!"

"Gentlemen," she says, "I heard absolutely every word. And as soon as I finish this soup, you are going to hear such a scream!"

These two guys are drinking really late one night in a bar when one of them looks at the other and says, "I have to get home, my wife is going to kill me."

The other guy says, "What, are you kidding me, my wife lets me do whatever I want."

The first guy says, "I know, I know", all embarrassed that his wife controls him. He continues," I try to sneak past her everytime to. I drive really slow down my street and turn the headlights off 100 yards short of my driveway, 50 feet short I turn off the key so that I can coast in, I shut the car door easily, open the front door to the house quietly, take off my boots so I can go up the stairs in my socks, sneak through the bedroom door, and as soon as I hit the bed she is up screaming at me."

The second guy laughs and replies, "There is your problem, let me tell you what I do. I drive 90 MPH down my street and lock it up sideways into my driveway, bump into the garage door, slam the car door shut, slam the front door, stomp up the stairs, swing the bedroom door open, jump up on the bed, slap my wife on the ass and say hey sweetie, how about a blowjob?"

The second guy pauses for a second and replies," She's sleeping every time."
 

After much soul-searching and having determined the husband was infertile, the couple decided to try artificial insemination.

So the stunningly beautiful young woman made an appointment at the clinic, where she was told to undress from the waist down, get on the table and place her long, slender legs in the gynaecological stirrups.

She was feeling rather awkward about the whole procedure, and when the doctor came in, her anxiety was heightened by the sight of him pulling down his pants."

Now wait just a minute! What's going on here!", she yelped, pulling herself up to a sitting position."

You want to get pregnant?" asked the doctor breezily.

The patient nodded, wide-eyed."Well, we're out of the bottled stuff, so you'll just have to settle for a few shots of draught."
 

A fellow taking a sex survey called up one of the husbands who had filled out his questionnaire and said. " Sir, there's a discrepancy in your answers. Under 'Frequency of Intercourse', you've put 'Twice a week', while your wife wrote, 'Several times nightly'."

The man replied, "Yes, that's right, but only untill we get the second mortgage on our house paid off..."
 

Wife: Okay, today's Friday. Where's your pay envelope?

Man: I already spent all my pay. I bought something for the house.

Wife: What? What could you buy for the house that cost $480?

Man: Eight rounds of drinks.
 

"So, what's the matter?" asked one woman of her friend over coffee.

"I thought you just got back from a nice relaxing fishing trip with your husband."

"Oh, everything went wrong," the second woman answered.

"First, he said I talked so loud I would scare the fish.Then he said I was using the wrong bait; and then that I was reeling in too soon."

All that might have been all right; but then, to make matters worse, I ended up catching the most fish!"
 

The young bride approached her awaiting husband on their wedding night and demanded $20 for their first love-making encounter.

In his highly aroused state, he readily agreed.This scenario was repeated each time they made love for the next 30 years, him thinking it was a cute way for her to buy new clothes, etc.

Arriving home around noon one day, she found her husband in a very drunken state. Over the next few minutes she heard of the ravages of financial ruin caused by corporate down sizing and it's effects on a 50 year old executive.

Calmly, she handed him a bank book showing deposits and interest for 12 years totaling nearly $1 million dollars. Pointing across the parking lot she gestured toward the local bank while handing him stock certificates worth nearly $2 million dollars and informing him that he was the largest stockholder in the bank.

She told him that for 30 years she had charged him each time they had sex, this was the result of her investments.

By now he was distraught and beating his head against the side of the car. She asked him why the disappointment at such good news and he replied:

"If I had known what you were doing, I would have given you all of my business!"
 

John asks his wife, Mary, what she wants to celebrate their 40th
wedding anniversary. "Would you like a new Mink Coat?" he asks.

"Not really," says Mary.

"Well how about a new Mercedes sports car?" says John.

"No," she responds.

"What about a new vacation home in the country?" he suggests.

She again rejects his offer with a, "No thanks."

"Well what would you like for your anniversary?" John asks.

"John, I'd like a divorce," answers Mary.

"Sorry, I wasn't planning to spend that much," says John.

 

I was going away for a few days and left my husband a list of chores. For fun, I put down as Item 5: Think about your wife a lot.

After I returned, my husband proudly reported that he had completed every job. When I saw the list, however, each item except No. 5 had been crossed off. "What's this!" I exclaimed. "Didn't you think about me while I was gone?"

My chagrin vanished when he replied cheerfully, "I started to, but just never finished."

 

Howie Phartz III, scion of a wealthy and prominent family, was about to divorce his showgirl wife, who in six years of marriage had been unable to produce an heir.

His mother, Mrs Howie Phartz II. visited the girl privately and told her, "My dear, we've never gotten along together, but in order to avoid the scandal of divorce, I'm about to tell you something, and I think you'll understand how to make use of this information.

You see, no one has ever known this but myself and the family chauffeur, but Howie's father was ALSO STERILE..."
 

"Sometimes I call my husband 'Q'," the wife told her friend.

"Why's that?" the friend asked."Is he some kinda superguy like that man on Star Trek?"

"No," said the wife, "he's a big fat zero with a little dick hangin' down."

 

The marriage is in trouble when:

* The FBI is regularly called in to settle arguments.

* You have his n' hers bathrooms.

* New jars have appeared in the kitchen, labeled "Anthrax" and "Cyanide."

* Your in-laws are placing bets on who will get the house.

* Your spouse has a picture of you hanging on the dartboard.

* Family outings consist of you being chased out of the house by your spouse with a carving knife.

* You are desperate for your in-laws to visit so you can have someone else on which to vent your sarcastic remarks.

* Your spouse no longer reads novels in bed but stays up late studying the small print in your life insurance policy.

 

Staggering in from their tenth anniversary dinner, the drunken
husband collapsed in a chair and let out an enormous belch.

"That's it George! I've had it this time." his wife screamed.

"I'm cutting you off forever."

"That's impossible," he replied, "you don't even know where I'm getting it."

 

A guy cuddled up to his wife and softly whispered into her ear: "Could we make love, please dear?"

She rolled over away from him. "Not tonight, darling, I've got a
splitting headache," she replied rather tersely.

Too horney to read the obvious signals the husband pleaded. "Please, honey. I'll only stick it in for a minute"

"What do you think I am," his wife retorted, "a fucking microwave?"

 

My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff wasfor. Then I noticed women coming up to me, sniffing, then saying under their breath, "Married!" and walking away. Fabric Softeners are how our wives mark their territory. We can take off the ring, but it's hard to get that April fresh scent out of your clothes.

 

In a relationship with a woman, a man can either be right or get
laid, but never both.

 

My wife told me I would have made a good race horse.

When I asked her "Why do you say that?"

She replied, "'Cause you always finish first!"

 

After just one year of marriage, Jill filed for divorce. A friend, trying to console her said that you never know what a man's like until you live with him. "I should have left him right after the honeymoon. Not only did he not take me to Niagara Falls like he promised -- all we did was drive through a car wash acouple of times, real slow."

 

Jeff stood up in court. "As God is my judge, I do not owe my
ex-wife any money."

Glaring down at him, the judge replied, "He's not. I am. You do."
 

Rated PG

Mary: My ex thought he was so cute when he called himself "Hammer."

Jill: Why? I don't understand.

Mary: He liked to talk about how often he "nailed" me.


 

Farmer Jake had a nagging wife who made his life miserable. The only realpeace that he got was when he was out in the field plowing.

One day when he was out in the field, Jake's wife brought his lunch to
him. Then she stayed while he quietly ate and berated him with a constant stream of nagging and complaining. Suddenly, Jake's old mule
kicked up his back legs, striking the wife in the head, and killing her instantly.

At the wake, Jake's minister noticed that when the women offered their
sympathy to Jake he would nod his head up and down. But when the men came up and spoke quietly to him, he would shake his head from side to side.

When the wake was over and all the mourners had left, the minister
approached Jake and asked, "Why was it that you nodded your head up and down to all the women and shook your head from side to side to all the men?"

Well, Jake replied, "The women all said how nice she looked, and her dresswas so pretty, so I agreed by nodding my head up and down. The men allasked, 'Is that mule for sale!?'"

 

My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last:

Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little wine, some good food, and companionship. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Florida and mine is in Cincinnati.

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen.

We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was, she told me, "In the lake."

My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn't lost any weight, but boy, can she climb a tree.

She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

Remember.... Marriage is the number one cause of divorce. Statistically, 100% of all divorces started with marriage. I married "Miss Right". I just didn't know her first name was "Always".

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.

The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?"... I said "Dust!"

In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested.
 

A salesman's wife hears from several different women that her husband is carousing with other women on the road, cheating on his expense account and drinking heavily.

She sends him an urgent e-mail in an effort to save their marriage:

"Come home honey. We can still work things out. Why waste money on what you can get at home for nothing ?"

She receives a reply back the next evening. Judging by the number of typos, the man was obviously intoxicated.

The reply read: "Tp Hell woth yuo and ypur bargainz."
 

A husband and his wife advertised for a live-in maid to cook and do the housework.

They hired a most comely young woman for the job. She worked out fine, was a good cook, was polite, and kept the house neat, and also kept the gentleman of the household most satisfied indeed!.

One day, after about six months, she came in and said she would have to quit. "But why?" asked the disappointed wife.

She hemmed and hawed and said she didn't want to say, but the wife was persistent, so finally she said, "Well, I'm pregnant."The wife said, "Look, we don't want to lose you. I am not able to have children and my husband and I would dearly love children, so we'll adopt your baby if you will stay."

She talked to her husband and of course he readily agreed, and the maid said she would stay. The baby came, they adopted it, and all went well.

After several months though, the maid came in again and said that she would have to quit. The wife questioned her, found out that she was pregnant again, talked to her husband, and offered to adopt the baby if she would stay.

She agreed, had the baby, they adopted it, and life went on as usual.

In a few months, however, she again said she would have to leave. Same thing. She was pregnant. They made the same offer, she agreed, and they adopted the third baby.

She worked for another two months, but then said, "I am definitely leaving this time.""Don't tell me you're pregnant again?" asked the lady of the house."No," she said, "there are just too many bloody kids here to pick up after!"
 

How To Drive Your Wife Crazy

Start asking her questions (don't mistakenly do anything) about cooking, cleaning and laundry. Say, "I think it's time I learn to take care of myself.You know, just in case."

Volunteer to cook for her. Make sure it's really greasy. Use every pot and pan in the house and be sure you spill and/or drop some of everything everywhere.

While brushing your teeth, flick the toothbrush first at the sink
and then at the mirror.

Never ask her to get you something from the kitchen when she's in the kitchen. Let her spend a good 30 minutes in there and when she reaches the sofa with a sigh of relief, say, "Will you PLEASE do me a favor and get me a beer? My back is just killing me
today."

Be sure to load up all your pockets with tissues before you drop them in the clothes hamper.

Leave yourself a trail of clothing, towels, dishes and everything else you put your hands on. This will ensure you never lose your way.

Wait until she's overwhelmed with work (Weekly Opportunity) lean in close and say, "Did you see how dusty the leaves on your house plants are?"

Put on a TV program and then pretend to keep falling asleep. Wake up each time she tries to change the channel and say, "Damn it, you know how much I looked forward to watching this! Don't be so selfish!"

Wait until she is totally engrossed in a movie and then tell her that something is really bugging you and you really need to talk about it. Be sure it's as stupid, boring and long winded as you can make it.

Wait until she's finally lost a few pounds on that diet. Start having uncontrollable urges for her favorite sin foods.(Most effective between 8-10 PM)When she repeatedly declines, stick it in her face anyway and say,"Oh, stop it! A little X isn't going to hurt you!"

Continue until all weight is regained. Then ask, "Hey, you've been on that diet a long time now. How much have you lost?"

Keep calling her at work to find out what time she plans to get home and what she plans to make for dinner. Make sure you're not in the mood for whatever she's making.

When the opportunity arises, be sure to cut the grass in your brand new white sneakers.

When you retrieve your clothes from the closet, leave the hanger in place and pull on the clothing until the hanger is mangled enough to allow the article to slip off.

Tell her something for the first time and act shocked that she didn't know about it. Pout and exclaim, "And you have the nerve to say I never listen to YOU!"

When you know she's grocery shopping, disappear! Come home just in time to watch her carry the last bag in. Grab the receipt and say,
"I'll get the rest for you dear." Feign surprise when she says that's it. End with, "This is all you got for how much?!"

When ogling a woman say, "Sure, she's gorgeous, but remember she's
young. I remember when you looked good too."

On the odd occasion you actually clean up a disgusting mess you made, use the best towels in the house.

As your stomach grows just wear your pants lower and flop it over the waistband. Then brag that, unlike your wife, you still wear the same size you did when you got married.

Wait until the night before you go on vacation and say, "Hon, you know the underwear and socks you packed for me? Well, the elastic is shot and I need new ones."

Always leave the shower head at just the right angle to hit her in the face with that jet of cold water when she turns it on.

Wait until she has repeatedly told you something. Come home shortly after and say, "X (woman's name most effective but could be suicidal) just gave me the best advice." and repeat word for word.

When doing filthy jobs around the house be sure to wear your good
clothes.

Harass her into telling people a story and proceed to interrupt every other sentence with, "No, that's not what..."

Whenever something is ready to break, make sure your wife is the next to use it. When it breaks, look at her and say, "What the hell did you do?! I never had a problem with it!"

Even though the water is yellow and foamy, swear you flushed the
toilet.

Whenever the dog, cat or the kids are being cute, they're yours.
Whenever they need something, they're hers.

 

Doug had a sense of humor and always laughed it off.

One day, one of his friends asked the tiresome question again,"Who wears the pants in your family?"

"I do," Doug answered.

Then, after a pause he added, " I also wash and iron them."

 

A HUSBAND'S FINAL REQUEST!

Sometime after Bernie died, his widow, Rachel, was finally able to speak about what a thoughtful, considerate, and wonderful man her late husband had been.

"My Bernie thought of everything", she told them. "Just before he died, he called me to his bedside. He handed me three envelopes.
'Rachel', he told me. 'I have put all my last wishes in these three envelopes. After I am gone, please open them and do exactly as I have instructed.Knowing you'll do this, I can rest in peace'."

"What was in the envelopes?" her friends asked.

"The first envelope contained $5,000 with a note, 'Please use this money to buy a nice casket'. So I bought a beautiful mahogany casket with such a comfortable lining that I know Sidney is resting very comfortably.

"The second envelope contained $10,000 with a note, 'Please use this for a nice funeral'. I made Sidney a very dignified funeral and bought all his favorite foods for when we began shiva".

"And the third envelope?" asked her friends.

"The third envelope contained $25,000 with a note, 'Please use this to buy a nice stone'.

At that point, Rachel held up her hand and pointed to her ring finger, onwhich was a gorgeous ten carat diamond ring.

"So?", said Rachel, "You like my stone?"
 

A married couple were having a disagreement while sitting in bed.

The wife said to her husband, "You're impossible."

To which the husband replied, "No. I'm next to impossible."

 

A mild mannered man is tired of his wife bossing him around, so he decides to go to a psychiatrist.

The doctor tells him to develop self-esteem. The doctor gave him a booklet that he read on the way home.

When he walked through the door and his wife came to greet him, he said, "From now on, I am the master of this house and my word is law. When I come home from work, I want my dinner on the table. Now, get upstairs and lay my clothes on the bed as tonight I will be going out with the boys. Then drawmy bath. When I get out of the tub, guess who is going to dress me and comb my hair?"

"The undertaker," she says.
 

WIFE: Let's go out and have some fun tonight.

HUSBAND: Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the
hallway light on.

 

I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"

She said, "Some where I have never been!"

I told her, "How about the kitchen?"

Andy Rooney On Cripes:

My wife's from the Midwest.

Very nice people there. Very wholesome. They use words like 'Cripes'. 'For Cripe's sake.' Who would that be -- Jesus Cripe's? The son of 'Gosh' of the church of 'Holy Moly'?

I'm not making fun of it. You think I wanna burn in 'Heck'?

 

Andy Rooney On Morning Differences:

Men and women are different in the morning.

We men wake up aroused in the morning. We can't help it. We just wake up and we want you.

The women are thinking, 'How can he want me the way I look in the morning?'

It's because we can't see you. We have no blood anywhere near our optic nerve.

 

Just another brilliant example of how men think on their feet......!

A bloke was invited out for a night with "the boys" and told his wife that he would be home by midnight...promise!

Well, the hours passed and the beer was going down way too easy.

At around 2:30 am, drunk as a skunk, he headed for home. Just as
he got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and
cuckooed 3 times.

Quickly, he realized she'd probably wake up, so he cuckooed another
9 times.

He was really proud of himself, having a quick witty solution, even
when smashed, to escape a possible conflict.

The next morning his wife asked him what time he got in, and I told
her twelve o'clock.

She didn't seem disturbed at all. Whew! Got away with that one!

She then told him that they needed a new cuckoo clock.

When he asked her why, she said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three
times, then said "oh fuck", cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then farted.

 

Jill and John got married. John thought this would be a "marriage of the 90's" -- equal roles for equal partners. So, the first morning back from their honeymoon, he brought Jill breakfast in bed.

Jill wasnt impressed with his culinary skills,however. She looked disdainfully at the tray, and snorted, "Poached? I wanted *scrambled*!"

Undaunted, the next morning, John brought his true love a *scrambled* egg.

Jill wasn't having any of it. "Do you think I don't like variety? I wanted *poached* this morning!"

Determined to please Jill, the *next* morning he thought, "third time's a charm" and brought her *two* eggs -- one scrambled and one poached.

"Here, my love, enjoy!"

Jill looks at the plate and says, "You scrambled the wrong egg."

Looking for a little variety in his sex life, the husband bought a computer and started exploring the Internet. He stumbled onto IRC chat and next thing ya know, he was heavily into NetSex.

Well, one late-nite session was going really hot and heavy, but for some reason the one partner stopping typing.Thinking that his hot lil' number had been disconnected,the man typed: "Are you still there ?"

The reply appeared back on his screen: "Wait a minute, my Mommy just came into the room."

 

My wife and I were at my high school reunion. As I looked around, I noticed the other men in their expensive suits...and their bulging stomachs.

Proud of the fact thatI weighed just five pounds more than I did when I was in high school, the result of trying to beat a living out of a rocky hillside farm, I said to my wife, "I'm the only guy here who can still wear the suit he wore when he graduated."

She glanced at the prosperous crowd, then back at me,and said, "You're the only one who has to."

 

My wife was playing Trivial Pursuit one night.

It was her turn, she rolled the dice and landed on "Science & Nature."

Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"

She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"

 

A Chinese couple gets married - and she's a virgin.

On the wedding night, she cowers naked under the bed sheets as her husband undresses.

He climbs in next to her and tries to be reassuring."My darring, I know dis you firs time and you frighten. I plomise you, I give you anyting you want. I do anyting you want. What do you want?"

"I wanna numma 69." she replies.

He looks at her very puzzled and says, "You wanna beef with broccorri?!"
 

My husband retired, and for the first time in over 40 years I had to think about preparing midday meals.

Tired of it after several months, I said, "I married you for better or worse, but not for lunch."

"Fair enough. From now on I'll make my own," he replied.

A few weeks later he had to go downtown on business and invited me to join him afterwards.

"We could have lunch at that Chinese place we both like," he suggested.

I happily agreed. At the restaurant the next day we were seated, and the waiter came to take our order.

My husband looked up, a twinkle in his eyes and said, "Separate checks, please..."

 

My Wife, who was 8 months pregnant, and I were shopping in crowded
mall.

We had been trading humorous insults for most of the evening and I decided that I was going to really get her. I announced in a loud voice that, "If you don't stop insulting me I'm not going to marry you!".

I was disappointed that only a few people around us reacted but my Wife managed to bring down the house when she responded, "That's ok, I won't tell you who the father is!".

 

A couple was going to a costume party. The husband was unsure of what costume to wear. His wife told him to hurry,or they would be late for the party. She was walking downstairs from the bedroom, completely naked, except on her feet were a big old floppy pair of boots.

"Where is your costume?" the husband asked.

"This is it," replied his wife.

"What the heck kind of costume is that?" asked the husband.

"Why, I am going as Puss and Boots," explained the wife."Now hurry and get your costume on."

The husband went upstairs and returned in two minutes.

He also was completely naked except that he had a rose vase over his penis.

"What the heck kind of costume is that?" asked the wife.

"I am a fire alarm," he replied.

"A fire alarm?" she repeated, laughing.

"Yes," he replied. "In case of fire, break the glass.Pull twice and I come."

 

The sailor came home from a secret two year mission only to find his wife with a new born baby. Furious, he was determined to track down the father to extract revenge.

"Was it my friend Sam?" he demanded.
"No!" his weeping wife replied.
"Was it my friend Jim then?" he asked.
"No!! she said even more upset.
"Well, which one of my no good friends did this then?" he asked.
"Don't you think I have any friends of my own?" she snapped.

 

A very elderly couple went to see a lawyer.

They were ushered gently into the lawyer's inner office, and sat across the desk from the attorney who was studying the couple's papers.

He looked up after a moment, "How can I help you today, Mr. and Mrs. Watson?"

The woman piped up in a thin, reedy voice, "We've come to get your help in filing for a divorce."

"A divorce?" The laywer was stunned. "If you don't mind my asking, how old are you two?"

"I'm 98 and my husband just turned 101."
"Let me get this straight. It says here you've been married for close to 75 years. The two of you obviously aren't going to be around too many more years.Why a divorce after all this time?"

"Well,said the woman,"we wanted to wait until the children were dead."

Wife to husband: Dear, what's the difference between the shower
curtain and toilet paper?

Husband: I don't know, dear.

Wife: Oh, then you're the one!

 

A man and woman are having marriage problems, and decide to end their union after a very short time together.

After a most brief attempt to reconcile, the couple goes to court to finalize their break-up.

The judge asks the husband, "What has brought you to the point that you are now at, where you are not able to keep this marriage together?"

The husband says, "In the six weeks we've been together, we haven't been able to agree on one thing."

The wife says, "Seven weeks.".
 

ANNIVERSARY!!

While enjoying an Early morning breakfast in a northern Arizona café, four elderly ranchers were discussing everything from cattle, horses, and weather to how things used to be in the "good old days."

Eventually the conversation moved on to their spouses.One gentleman turned to the fellow on his right and asked, "Roy, aren't you and your bride celebrating your 50th wedding anniversary soon?" "Yup, we sure are," Roy replied. "Well, are you gonna do anything special to celebrate?" another man asked.

The old gentleman pondered this for a moment, then replied,"For our 25th anniversary, I took Bea to Tucson. Maybe for our50th, I'll go down there and get her."

 

Feeling sorry for her husband, she opens the top drawer of the cabinet, takes out a fifty-dollar bill, and gives it to him. She says, "Awww, honey you're so depressed... Here, take this and go to the woman next door, and she will let you sleep with her tonight.. But remember that this happens only once. Ok? Don't think about it or ask me to do this again."

The husband rolls his eyes in disbelief, but afraid that she may change her mind, he grabs the money and leaves quickly.

A few minutes later, he returns, hands the bill back to the wife and says with much disappointment, "She said this is not enough, she wants sixty dollars."

The wife's face slowly turns red with anger: "Damn that bitch! When she was pregnant and her husband came over here I only charged him fifty!"


 

The newly-retired woman came back from her physical with a smile on her face.

"Why the grin?" asked her sour faced husband.

"Because," she boasted, "Dr. Berkowitz told me I have the bust of a woman half my age."

"Oh, yeah? And what about your sixty-year-old ass?"

The woman answered, "Come to think of it, he didn't say a thing about you."
 

A happy couple went on a cruise for their honeymoon.

The couple's conversation headed towards political and international events. The husband asked, "Honey. What do you think about the Middle East position."

His wife replied, "I don't know, dear, have we already tried it?"

 

A man is sitting down in front of the fire place and is reading
the Bible. His wife comes in and looks down at him and says, "Why
do you always sit there and read that thing, what does it help?"
He looks up at her and says, "I read it because it has an answer
and examples of everything."

After giving her husband a weird look, she says, "In that case I
want you to find an example of where a woman had PMS in the Bible,
and I'll even give you until tomorrow."

So, he goes along with the deal.

She comes back out the next day and says, "So, did you find it?"

He slyly smiles and says, "Yeah, when Joseph was taking Mary to
Bethlehem, she was riding his ass the whole way there!"

 

Husband: Honey, when I die, will you marry again?

Wife: I am afraid I will. You know how much I hate solitude.

Husband: Will you let him drive my car?

Wife: Well, I think so.

Husband: Will you let him sit in my favorite chair?

Wife: Maybe.

Husband: Will you let him have my gold watch?

Wife: Maybe.

Husband: Will you let him wear my nice suits?

Wife: No, he is shorter.

 

Steve says, "My wife lets me subscribe to National Geographic and Playboy Magazines for the same reason."

Cliff says, "What reason?"

Steve says, " Cuz with both magazines, I get to see places I'll never get to visit."
 

Husband, noticing the date on the calendar, to wife: "Hey, we should celebrate! I've been wrong about everything for a whole year!"

 

When your wife asks, "Do I look fat?"

The correct response is, "Do I look stupid?"

 

HUSBAND VS.WIFE

He wears the pants in the house, under his apron.

He has two chances of winning an argument with her, slim and none.

She leads a double life, hers and his.

He comes right out and says what she tells him to think.

She does not have to raise the roof; all she has to do is raise an eyebrow.

He always has the last word, he says, "I apologize."

He was a man about town, she has turned him into a mouse around the house.

The last big decision she let him make was whether to wash or to dry.

He put a ring on her finger and she put one through his nose.

He was a dude before marriage, now he is subdued.

He married her for her looks, but not the kind he's getting now.

She lost her thumb in an accident and sued for $100,000, because it was the thumb she had him under.

She even complains about the noise he makes, when he is fixing his own breakfast.

He goes to a woman dentist - it's a relief to be told to open his
mouth instead of to shut it.

Every once in awhile she comes to him on her bended knees; and
dares him to come out from under the bed.

 

Soon after their wedding, the bride tells the groom, "Darling, now that we are married, I want you to fire your secretary."

"But honey," says the groom, "you used to be a secretary yourself."

"Yes," she replies, "that's why I want you to fire her."

Jill has never been known to be a great cook, but decided one day at the prompting of her husband to give it a try.

At breakfast one day, she eagerly waited for her husband to comment on her first attempt at homemade cinnamon rolls.

After several minutes with no reaction, Jill sked, "If I baked these commercially, how much do you think I could get for one of them?"

Without looking up from his newspaper her husband replied, "About 10 years."

 

Mrs. Jones was reading a letter at breakfast. Suddenly she looked up suspiciously at her husband.

"Henry," she said, "I've just received a letter from mothersaying she isn't accepting our invitation to come and stay,as we do not appear
to want her. What does she mean by that?I told you to write and say that she was to come at her own convenience. You did write, didn't you?"

"Er, yes, I did," said the husband. "But I couldn't spell
'convenience,' so I made it 'risk."

 

I have changed my system for labeling homemade freezer
meals. I used to carefully note in large clear letters, "Meatloaf" or "Pot Roast" or "Steak and Vegetables or "Chicken and Dumplings" or "Beef Pot Pie."

However, I used to get frustrated when I asked my husband what he wanted for dinner because he never asked for any of those things. So, I decided to stock the freezer with what he really likes.

If you look in my freezer now you'll see a whole new set of labels. You'll find dinners with neat little tags thaysay: "Whatever,
" "Anything," "I Don't Know," "I Don't Care," "Something Good," or "Food." My frustration is now reduced because no matter what my husband replies when I ask him what he wants for dinner, I know that it is there waiting.

Bill has been getting along nicely with his wife.

Things are getting better between them. Every once ina while he says those three magic words: "You've lost weight."

 

A friend of mine kind-of summed-up his feelings towards his wife by saying:

"If Candy really loved me, she would have married someone else."
 

When my wife said we were breaking up, I thought she was referring to a bad cell phone connection.

Now I'm not so sure, since she hasn't come home in three weeks--and we don't have a cell phone.
 

SECRETS TO A HAPPY MARRIAGE

1. It is important to find a women who cooks and cleans.

2. It is important to find a woman who makes good money.

3. It is important to find a woman who likes sex.

4. It is important that these three women never meet.
 

A husband and wife were eating in a restaurant when another man passes their table while creating and odoriferous zephyr.

"Hey!", yells the husband. "How dare you release your flatulence before my wife?"

"Sorry," replies the man. "I didn't realize it was her turn."
 

Mrs. Anderson noticed her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach.

She commented, "I don't think that is going to help."

"Sure it will", said Mr. Anderson. "It's the only way I can see the numbers."
 

The old lady had been married for many years when suddenly her husband died. This is what she put on his tombstone: "THE LIGHT OF MY LIFE HAS GONE OUT."

Not long afterward she met, fell in love with and married another man.

After thinking at some length about it, she went to the monument maker and had him add this to the tombstone:

THE LIGHT OF MY LIFE HAS GONE OUT.

P.S. I Found A Match.

 

I doubt there's any marriage where the partners don't quarrel once in a while. When my daughter was a teen, she greeted me one morning with: "I understand you & Mom had some words last nite."

I replied, "Well... I had some all ready, but never got a chance to use them."
 

On their way home after celebrating their 25th. anniversary, she thanks him for a wonderful evening.

Oh! it's not over yet", says he.

Once in the house, he gives her a little black velvet box.

She opens it in anticipation, "But what are these two little pills?"

"Aspirin", says he.

"But I don't have a headache," says she.

"There you are, I told you the evening wasn't over yet," says he.

I once asked my wife if she would love me when I'm old and bald.

She replied, "It's tough enough now when you're middle-aged and hairy."

 

You know the romance is over when you come to bed, ready to make love to your wife, and she is on the phone, and she tells whoever she is talking to that she will call them back in ten minutes.

 

"Did you fake it this time, darling?" the man asked after making love to his wife.

"No, dear," she replied. "This time I really was asleep."

 

Man 1 : My wife is obsessed with cars. While she's asleep, she holds my bird and says 1st gear, 2nd gear etc.

Man 2 : My wife is worst, she puts my bird inside her and says "Full Tank" pls.

 

A man has to take a business trip overseas so he entrusts his best friend with the job of keeping an eye on his wife. If anything out of the ordinary should occur, his friend was to notify him immediately.

After about a week with no contact, the businessman receives an e-mail containing only one sentence.

"The man who comes to visit your wife every night didn't show
up yesterday."

When a man's wife went into labor, he immediately dialed 911 in a
panic.

As soon as the dispatcher answered, he cried, "Help! My wife is having a baby. Her contractions are only two minutes apart. What do I do?"

"Calm down," the dispatcher said. "Is this her first child?"

"NO!" the frantic man exclaimed. "This is her husband!"

 

A woman was at home with her children when the telephone rang. In going to answer it, she tripped on a rug, grabbed for something to hold on to and seized the telephone table. It fell over with a crash, jarring the receiver off the hook. As it fell, it hit the family dog, which leaped up,howling and barking. The woman's three-year-old son,startled by this noise, broke into loud screams.

The woman mumbled some colorful words. She finally managed to pick up the receiver and lift it to her ear, just in time to hear her husband's voice on the other end say, "Nobody's said hello yet, but I'm positive I have the right number."
 

The nervous young bride became irritated by her husband's lusty advances on their wedding night and reprimanded him severely.

"I demand proper manners in bed," she declared, "just as I do at the dinner table."

Amused by his wife's formality, the groom smoothed his rumpled hair and climbed quietly between the sheets.

"Is that better?" he asked, with a hint of a smile.

"Yes," replied the girl, "much better."

"Very good, darling," the husband whispered. "Now would you be so kind as to please pass the pussy?"


 

John woke himself up with a loud "Hello!" to someone
in his dream.

As the next day came and went, John thought the nocturnal outburst was his alone to remember.

But that night, as he and Jill were getting ready for bed, she said dryly, "If you see anyone you know tonight, just wave."

 

After my husband and I had a huge argument, we ended up not talking to each other for days.

Finally, on the third day, he asked where one of his shirts was.

"Oh," I said, "So now you're speaking to me."

He looked confused,

"What are you talking about?"

"Haven't you noticed I haven't spoken to you for three days?" I challenged.

"No," he said, "I just thought we were getting along."

 

The week I started a new job, my husband was out of town. On the day he was to return, I thought it would be fun if he picked me up at work and we could go out to dinner. I left a note on our dining-room table with my new number and this message: "For a good time, call
555-1234."

When my husband failed to show up, I took the bus home. "Where were you?" I asked. "Didn't you get my note?"

"Oh," he replied with a sheepish grin, "I wasn't sure who wrote it."

 

Evi

A husband was abducted by aliens one day, and the alien said: "Take me to your leader" and the husband said:

"Sorry my wife isn't home."

Rated G

A husband visited a marriage counselor and said, "When we were first married, I would come home from the office, my wife would bring my slippers and our cute little dog would run around barking.

Now after ten years it's all different. I come home, the dog brings the slippers and my wife runs around barking."

"Why complain ?" said the counselor, "You're still getting the same service !"

A wife complains, "Our wall clock almost killed my mother today. It fell only seconds after she got up from the couch."

The husband mumbles, "Damn clock always was slow."

 

"Dinner Guest"

"Honey," said this husband to his wife, "I invited a friend home for supper."

"What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I didn't go shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal!"

"I know all that." replied the nonchalant husband.

"Then why on Earth did you invite a friend for supper?!?" said
the infuriated wife.

"Because the poor fool's thinking about getting married."

There was this couple who had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years."

"Yeah," she replied, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together."

"I know," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago."

"Well," Granny snickered, "What do you say...should we get naked?"
He agreed, so the two old folks stripped to the buff and sat back down at the table.

"You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My boobs are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago!"

"I'm not surprised," grinned Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other's in your oatmeal!"

 

A women came home one day with a mirror and told her husband it was magic.

Her husband told her to prove it.

She said watch, ''Mirror, mirror on the wall, make my boobs biggest of all.''

Sure enough, they grew huge.

The husband was amazed and said, "Ooh, oooh, let me try! Mirror, mirror show me more, make my dick touch the floor.''

His legs fell off.
 

Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect. One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car (a Grand Caravan) along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help. There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident. The mind numbing question is: Who was the survivor?

Scroll down for the answer...

The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man. Women stop reading here. That is the end of the joke.

Men keep'a scrollin'...

So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. And that explains why there was a car accident. By the way, if you're a woman and you're reading this, this illustrates another point: Women never listen, either.
 

ANOTHER DIET

On still another diet, I had lost a few pounds and a lot of my usual sunny disposition. After making a snappish remark to my husband, I apologized and reminded him that he was supposed to stick by me through thick and thin.

"I know," he said, dryly, "but thick was easier."

"Well, dear what's it to be tonight?" said the amorous hubby.

"Hmmm... I'm in the mood for something special tonight. How
about turkey style?" replied the wife.

"Turkey style? I've heard of 'doggy style,' but what is turkey
style?"

She smiled at him seductively and whispered, "Gobble, gobble,
gobble!"

 

A man in his back yard is trying to fly a kite. He throws the kite up in the air, the wind catches it for a few seconds then it comes crashing back down.

He tries this a few more times all the while his wife is watching from the kitchen window. Muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything, she opens the window and yells to her husband,
"You need more tail."

The husband turns with a confused look on his face and says,"Make up your mind. Last night you told me to go fly a kite!"

 

A seventy-five year old guy, his hair is completely white, marries
a twenty-two year old girl, and she gets pregnant.

Nine months later, he walks into the Maternity Ward. He says to the nurse, "Well, how'd I do?"

The nurse says, "She had twins."

He says, "Heh, heh, heh...well, I guess that goes to show, that even if there's snow on the roof, there can still be fire in the furnace."

She says, "Well, then you'd better change filters. Both of the babies are black."

 
An Act Of Charity

A wife arrived home from a shopping trip and was shocked to find her husband in bed with a lovely young woman. Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband called out "Perhaps you should hear how all this came about..."

I was driving home on the highway when I saw this young woman looking tired and bedraggled.  I brought her home and made her a meal from the roast beef you had forgotten about in the fridge.

She was bare-footed so I gave her your good sandals which you had
discarded because they had gone out of style.

She was cold so I gave her the sweater which I bought for you for your birthday but you never wore because the color didn't suit you.

Her pants were torn, so I gave her a pair of your jeans, which were perfectly good, but too small for you now.

"Then just as she was about to leave, she asked, 'Is there anything else your wife doesn't use anymore ?'"

Guess we should be careful with what we don't use anymore!!!!!!!!
 

Esther was entranced with an expensive mink coat she had seen in an exclusive shop, and for days she cudgeled her brain to think of a way to bring up the subject to her husband. Suddenly she had an inspired
thought.

"Sol, last night I had a lovely dream."

"What kind of a dream, Esther?"

"I dreamed that we passed by Saks Fifth Avenue, and there in the window was this gorgeous mink coat -- only $6,200. And you know what you did? You went right in and bought it for me, Sollie dear!"

"Say, that really was a wonderful dream! Hereafter, in all your dreams, you should wear it in good health, Esther dear!"

 

As a new bride, Edna moved into the small home on her husband's ranch near Snowflake. She put a shoe box on a shelf in her closet and asked her husband never to touch it. For 50 years Jack left the box alone, until Edna was old and dying.

One day when he was putting their affairs in order, he found the box again and thought it might hold something important. Opening it, he found two doilies and $82,500.00 in cash.

He took the box to her and asked about the contents. "My mother gave me that box the day we married," she explained. "She told me to make a doily to help ease my frustrations every time I got mad at you."

Jack was very touched that in 50 years she'd only been mad at him
twice. "What's the $82,500 for?" he asked.

"Oh, that's the money I made selling the doilies."

 

"I told my wife that a man is like a fine wine... I always get better with age. The next day, she locked me in the wine cellar."

 

Husband says; "When I'm gone you'll never find another man like me".

Wife replied; "What makes you think I'd want another man like you!"
 

One night, an 87 year-old woman came home from bingo to find her husband in bed with another woman. Angry, she became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th-floor apartment, killing him instantly.

When brought before the court on charges of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say in defense of herself.

"Well, your honor,"she began coolly," I figured that at 92, if he could fuck,he could fly."
 

“Buying A Gun”

A woman goes into a sporting goods store to buy a shotgun. "It's
for my husband," she tells the clerk.

"Did he tell you what gauge* to get?" asked the clerk.

"Are you kidding?" she says. "He doesn't even know I'm going to shoot him!"

One of the airlines recently introduced a special half-fare rate for wives accompanying their husbands on business trips.

Anticipating some valuable testimonials, the publicity department of the airline sent out letters to all the wives of businessmen who used the special rates, asking how they enjoyed their trip.

Responses are still pouring in asking, "What trip?"

 

Lorraine

Fur Coat Guard

A fella was saying to his friend, "My wife seems to have developed
some sort of fixation that her collection of fur coats will be
stolen.

When I came home early one day last week, I found she'd hired someone to *guard* them!

In fact, she stationed the poor guy right inside the closet!"

As the crowded elevator descended,Mrs. Wilson became increasingly furious with her husband, who was delighted to be pressed against a pretty blonde.

As the elevator stopped at the main floor,the blonde suddenly whirled,
slapped Mr. Wilson, and said,"That will teach you to pinch!"

Bewildered, Mr. Wilson was halfway to the parking lot with his wife when he choked, "I... I... didn't pinch that girl."

"Of course you didn't," said his wife, consolingly. "I did."
 

ALICE: Be careful, Bill, most home accidents happen in the
kitchen.

BILL: I know, I have to eat them.

The parents of a fifteen year old girl are talking...

Mom: I told you not to get Britany that new cell phone!

Dad: But why? Her old one was looking pretty bad.

Mom: She's used it so much that she needs a new battery already.

Dad: Really? How?

Mom: She keeps calling herself and not answering. I told you not
to get the one with the vibrating ringer!

 

BEAUTICIAN: Did that mud pack I gave you for your wife improve
her appearance?

MAN: It did for a while - then it fell off !

 

KNOWLEDGE CAN BE DANGEROUS

After sixty years of marriage an elderly couple were enjoying the evening, swinging on the front porch and looking at the beautiful sunset.

After a few minutes the ol' lady reaches over and knocks the hell out of the ol' man who goes flying off the porch and into the bushes.

The ol' man slowly gets up and makes his way back to his seat next to his wife on the swing. He sits there for a few minutes and then asks, "What was that for, Ma?"

She replies: "That's for having such a small pecker!"

A few more minutes go by and the ol' man reaches over and knocks the hell out of his wife,who also goes flying off the porch and into the bushes.She slowly gets up and makes her way back to her seat next to Pa.She sits there a minute and then asks, "What was that for, Pa?"

He replies: "That's for knowing there was more than one size."

 

A gang-member was holding his 8 month old baby while his wife was in kitchen fixing lunch.

The baby murmured "mother".

The guy gets all excited and hollered to his wife, "Hey, the baby just said half a word!"
 

Sue Bee

For a while my husband and I had opposite schedules. He worked during the day, and I worked at night. One morning, I noticed he had left a note to himself on the kitchen counter that read, "STAMPS!"

As a helpful surprise, I bought him some at the post office and put
them on the counter before going to work.

The next morning, I found the same note. The word "STAMPS!" was
crossed out. Underneath it, he had written,
"ONE MILLION DOLLARS!"

The following conversation took place one morning between a wife and her now ex-husband. They were discussing government cost cuts that they recently heard about in the paper.

"Honey," his wife said, while reading the newspaper, "it looks like our government is going to cut overhead and trim down the military forces. They are going to eliminate six over-aged destroyers."

To which the husband replies, "Sorry to hear that, dear. I'm sure you'll miss your mother being gone."
 

My wife wanted me to stop smoking so I went to the doctor. He gave
me a box of these patches and said to use one a day. I said ok, and took them home.

My wife asked me what the doctor said. I showed her the patches and told her that the doctor said, to use one a patch day.

She commenced to sew one patch on each shirt I had. we still don't see how that's going to help me quit smoking.:0 Oh, well.

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweat shirt.

Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me,
"what setting do I use on the washing machine?"

I replied, "it depends, what does it say on your shirt?"

He yelled back, "Green Bay Packers."

(And they say blondes are dumb!!)
 

A woman asks her husband if he'd like some breakfast. "Would you like bacon and eggs, perhaps? A slice of toast and maybe some grapefruit and coffee?" she asks.

He declines. "It's this Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."

At lunchtime, she asks if he would like something. "A bowl of homemade soup, homemade muffins or a cheese sandwich?" she inquires.

He declines. "The Viagra," he says, "really trashes my desire for food."

Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat.

Would he like maybe a steak and apple pie? Maybe he'd like a microwaved pizza or a tasty stir-fry that would only take a couple of minutes?

He declines. "Naw, still not hungry."

"Well," she says, "would you mind letting me up? I'm starving."

 

A guy and a girl get married.

They get in bed on their honeymoon night.

She confesses to him, "I'm not a virgin"

He replies, "Honey, in this day and age, I couldn't expect you to be."

She says, "I was only with one other guy".

"Really", he says. "Who was it......tell me."

She does not want to tell him, but he persists.

Finally, she gives in and tells him. "Honey, I was dating Tiger Woods."

He gets up out of bed and goes to pick up the phone.

"What are you doing?" she inquires.

He says, "I'm going to call room service and get some food brought
up".

She says, "I don't want to compare you to Tiger, but he would put
down the phone and come over here and make love to me before he
ordered any food."

.......so he gets back in bed and they fool around for a few
hours. He has the best sex of his life.

They lay there for a while and he gets out of bed and picks up the phone.

"What are you doing?" she inquires.

He says, "I'm going to call room service and get some food brought
up".

She says, "Tiger would get back in bed and make love to me again."

....so he gets back in bed and they fool around some more. When they are finished, they are both laying there holding each other and relaxing.

Eventually, he gets up and goes to the phone again.

"What are you doing?" she inquires.

He says, "I'm going to call room service and get some food brought
up".

She says, "Tiger would get back in bed and make love to me again."

......once again he gets back in bed. They fool around again and
they are both laying there.

By this time, the guy is completely exhausted. He simply can't
take anymore.

He rolls himself out of the bed. His legs are in pain and his back is hurting, but he slowly makes his way to the phone again.

She says in a snide voice,"Are you going to call room service again?"

He simply replies, "No".

She asks, "Who are you calling?"

"Tiger Woods", he replies.

"Tiger!" she exclaims. Why are you calling Tiger?!"

He replies, "I need to find out what is par for this hole."

 

During an attack of laryngitis I lost my voice completely for three days. To help me communicate with him, my husband devised a system of taps......

One tap meant, "Give me a kiss,"
Two taps meant "No,"
Three taps meant "Yes," and
95 taps meant "Take out the garbage."
 

Rated R Jimmy

Rated X

From the Wife's Mouth

Top Ten Things You'll NEVER Hear A Wife Say