Father O'Malley is laid up with a hangover before the 5:00 mass, so he calls the deacon to him and says, "Deacon Rose, you have to hear confessions. I have a terrible headache and I just can't do it. I'll be alright by mass time, but I just can't sit in that hot confessional.

The deacon reluctantly agrees and Father O'Malley hands him a plastic box with each sin indexed on a card. All he has to do is to hear the sin, look it up in the file, and issue the penance.

First, Bobby enters the confessional and says, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. Last week I beat up my sister and stole her doll and wouldn't give it back."

So Deacon Rose flips through the file. Flip. Flip. Flip.

"Beating up Sibling: 10 "Our Fathers"."
"Stealing: 10 "Hail Mary's" and return the stolen object"

So Deacon Rose issues the penance and is feeling pretty good about this whole confession thing.

Then Theresa enters.
"Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. I know it's wrong, but the other night I gave my boyfriend a blowjob so I wouldn't have to commit a worse sin."

Flip. Flip. Flip.

No "Blowjob."

Flip. Flip. Flip.

No "Fellatio."

So Deacon Rose quickly ducks out of the confessional and spot Timothy, the alter boy, lighting the candles for mass.

"Quick, Timothy," says Deacon Rose, "What's Father O'Malley usually give for a blowjob?"

"Two Snickers bars, usually, "answers Timothy.

A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a couple of strokes.

The golfer says to himself: "I'd give anything to sink this next putt."

A stranger walks up to him and whispers: "Would you give up a fourth of your sex life?"

The golfer thinks the man is crazy and that his answer will be meaningless but also that perhaps this is a good omen and will put him in the right frame of mind to make the difficult putt and says, "OK." And sinks the putt.

Two holes later he mumbles to himself: "Boy, if I could only get an eagle on this hole."

The same stranger moves to his side and says, "Would it beworth another fourth of your sex life?"

The golfer shrugs and says,"Sure." And he makes an eagle.

Down to the final hole. The golfer needs yet another eagle to win. Though he says nothing, the stranger moves to his side and says, "Would you be willing to give up the rest of your sex life to win this match?"

The golfer says, "Certainly." And makes the eagle.

As the golfer walks to the club house, the stranger walks along side and says, "You know, I've really not been fair with you because you don't know who I am. I'm the devil, and from now on you will have no sex life."

"Nice to meet you," says the golfer. "My name's Father O'Malley."   
 

3 men wanted to be priests.

They all went together to a church where the head priest wanted to test them to make sure they wouldn't be tempted by women.

So the head priest tied a bell to each man's dick.

Then the head priest made each man walk through a hall of pictures of naked women.

The first man walked through and sure enough DING DING.

The head priest said, "Better luck next time," and waited for the next man.

The next man walked through and halfway in, DING DING.

The last man walked through the hall of pictures without the bell dinging.

"Congratulations!" said the head priest and he gave the man a hug. DING! DING!
 

A Lesson in Sharing

A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5, Ryan, 3.

The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake.

Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. "If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, 'Let my brother have the first pancake. I can wait.'"

Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus!"
 

A minister is sitting in the confession booth when an altar boy comes up to him and says, "There's an emergency and we need you right away."

The minister goes up to the janitor who is standing outside and asks him if he would listen to the confessions for him.

The janitor replies, "I'm not religious, I don't know how to do any of that stuff."

The minister says, "It's ok, just listen to what they say and look it up in this book and tell them what it says."

The janitor agrees and sits down.

The first man comes in. "Father, I have sinned."

"What have you done?"

"I have beat my child."

The janitor looks it up in the book, and says, "Three hail Marys."

"Thank you father."

The next man comes in.

"Father I have sinned."

"What have you done?"

"I have performed Oral Sex."

He looks it up. He can't find it under oral, so he looks up sex. It's not there. He gets nervous and says, "One minute." He walks out of the booth and goes over to an altar boy lighting some candles. He asks the boy,

"What does the Father usually give for oral sex?" The boy looks up at him and says,

"Two candy bars and a pat on the head.
 

There were four Catholic mothers who were bragging about their sons

The first mother says, "My son he is a priest. When he walks in a room people go 'Good morning Father.'"

The second mother says, "Oh really? My son is a bishop. When he walks into a room people say, 'Hello Grace.'"

The third mother says, "Yeah well, my son is a cardinal. When he walks in a room people say, 'Good morning your imminence.'"

Now by this time the fourth mother has had it up to her eyebrows with the other mothers bragging about their sons. So she says, "Well, that's really nice but my son is 6' 2" tall, dark, and handsome. When he walks into the oom people go, 'Oh My God!'"
 

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut.

The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"

"Just water," says the priest.

The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?

The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"   
 

A drunken man staggers into a catholic church and sits down in a confession box and says nothing.

The bewildered priest coughs to attract his attention, but still the man says nothing.

The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final atempt to get the man to speak, and finnally the drunk replies - "No use knockin' mate - there's no paper in this one either".
 

One day The Pope and The Queen of England were sitting on a balcony discussing their power over the superior religions.

The Queen then states "With one simple wave of my hand I can make my followers go crazy." "Prove it," says the Pope being skeptical. The Queen then rises and raises her hands in the air and her beloved followers yelled, whistled, and clapped until she had lowered her hand.

The Queen the resumed her seat and looked at the Pope to see what he had to top that.

The Pope sat for a moment deeply contemplating on how he could top her stunt. He then with great confidence said to the Queen, "With a movement of my hand I can not only make this crowd go wild, but give them a story so great they will tell their children and their children's children, so forth and so on."

"I highly doubt that," remarked the Queen.

So the Pope stood up, moved over towards the Queen and slapped her face.
 

One day there was a alter boy a priest and a bishop.

They were talking about how to split their money with god.

The bishop says I draw a circle and throw the money up in the air. What lands in
the circle I keep and what lands outside the circle god takes. It always lands about half and half.

The priest says I do something similar I draw a line and what lands on the right side
god keeps and what lands on he left side I keep. It always land about half and half.

The alter boy says "My friends I've known you for so long, I throw the money up in the air what god wants he keeps and the rest I keep."
 

Tommy goes into a confessional box and says, "Bless me father for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman."

The Priest says, "Is that you, Tommy?

Tommy says "Yes father, it's me."

The Priest says "Who was the woman you were with?"

Tommy says "I cannot tell you, father, because I don't want to ruin her reputation."

The priest asks, "Was it Brenda O'Malley?"

Tommy replies "No, father."

The priest asks, "Was it Fiona MacDonald?"

Tommy replies "No."

The priest asks, "Was it Ann Brown?"

Tommy replies "No."

The priest asks, "Was it Mary Elizabeth O'Shea?"

Tommy replies "No, father."

The priest asks, "Was it Amy Thomas?"

Tommy replies "No, father."

The priest asks, "Was it little Cathy Morgan?"

Tommy replies "NO father! I cannot tell you."

The priest finally says, "Tommy, I admire your perseverance, but you must atone for your sins. Your penance will be four 'Our Fathers' and five 'Hail Mary's'. Now go back to your seat."

Tommy walks back to his pew and his buddy Sean slides over and whispers, "What happened?!"

"Well, I got four Our Fathers, five Hail Mary, and six good leads
 

One day a woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table, she had a near-death experience. She saw God and asked, "Is this it?" God said, "No, you have another 30 to 40 years to live."

Upon her recovery, she decided to stay in the hospital and have collagen shots, cheek implants, a face lift, liposuction and breast augmentation. She even had someone dye her hair. She figured since she had another 30 to 40 years, she might as well make the most of it.

She walked out of Cedars Sinai lobby after the last operation and was killed by an ambulance speeding up to the hospital. She arrived in front of God and said, "I thought you said I had another 30 to 40 years?"

God replied, "Sorry, I didn't recognize you!"
 

Sister Mary of the Conception Whore House

A man is driving down the highway on his way to a fast weekend in Las Vegas when he sees a roadsign which states, "Sister Mary of the Conception Whore House, 50 miles." He pays the sign little attention and continues to drive. 25 miles later he sees a sign reading "Sister Mary of the Conception Whore House, 25 miles." He begins to get interested in the validity of the ad and when he sees "Sister Mary of the Conception Whore House, NEXT EXIT" he has to check it out.

He pulls over and follows all signs and finds a quaint little church. He walks in to find a nun sitting at a table with a cash box. He mentions the ads that he had seen on the highway and she tells him that they charge $50 for their services. He thinks the price is steep but he figures that it is worth the money. The nun leads him to a corridor with manby doors on either side and instructs him to go through the last door on the left. He goes through the door to find that he is back in the parking lot. He is about to go back in screaming for his money when he sees a small placard
in the ground that reads, "You have just been fucked by the Sisters Mary of the Conception!"
 

The President of Coca-Cola walks into the Vatican city and asks to see the pope.

Once in audience with the pope he says, "Father if i gave you $1 million US would you say next time you lead the prayers at mass, give us this day our daily Coca-cola?."

"No," says the pope "I couldn't possibly do that"

The next day the president comes back and says "I'll pay you two million U.S to say in prayer give us this day our daily Coca-Cola"

The pope says, "No I couldn't poss..."

"Three million" the president inturupts

"No I will not do it"

"Ok, Ok" says the president of Coca-Cola, "But I can't imagine what the bakeries must be paying you.
 

The Priest was passing a group of young teens sitting on the church lawn and stopped to ask what they were doing.

"Nothing much, Pastor," replied one boy. "We were just seeing who can tell the biggest lie about their sex life."

"Boys, boys, boys!" he scolded. "I'm shocked. When I was your age, I never even thought about sex."

In unison they all replied, "You win!"
 

There were 3 guys who went to the priest to confess.

Priest: Tell me your sins.

GUY1 : I have been cheating on my wife with the new gorgeous woman in town for the past 2 weeks.
Priest: Go outside and say two Hail Mary's.

Priest: Tell me your sins.

GUY2 : I have been cheating with my wife for the past month with the new gorgeous woman in town.
Priest: GO outside and say two Hail Mary's and one Our Father.

Priest: tell me your sinsGUY3 : I have been cheating on my wife for the past 2 months with the new gorgeous woman in town.

Priest: Just wondering but what is the name of this gorgeous woman?
GUY3 : Her name is Mrs. Green--Mrs. Pussy Green

Priest: Ok well say 2 Our Fathers.

That Sunday while he was giving mass, a gorgeous woman wearing all green--green hat, green dress, green eyes, green shoes, and emerald jewelry walks in. She walks to the front of the church and sits down on the first pew. The Priest wondering if this was the famous Pussy green, leans over to the alter boy and asks,"Is that Pussy Green?"

The Alter boy looks and replies, "No I think its a reflection of her shoes."
 

A Priest goes to town one day. A girl approaches him and says, "Quickie, Father? Only five bucks!"

He says, "Er . . . no . . no thanks!"

Another girl approaches him and says, "Quickie, Father? Only five bucks!"

Again, the Priest stammers, "Er . . no . . no thanks!'

He gets back to the church and asks one of the nuns, "Excuse me, Sister, but what's a quickie?"

She says, "Five bucks! Same as in town!"
 

Good news & bad

The Pope is the Vatican City, when his friend comes up to him and says: "I got some good news and some bad." His friend says, "The good news is that God is on the phone and wants to talk to you."

The Pope says, "Then what's the bad news?" His friend says, "The bad news is, He's calling from Salt Lake City!"
 

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the Monsignor how he had done.

The Monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So the next Sunday he took the Monsignor advice.

At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon return to his office after mass, he found the following note on his door:

1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the crap out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the Big T!
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body", he did not say, "Eat me."
12. The Virgin Mary is not referred to as the, "Mary with the Cherry".
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: "Rub-A-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God"
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
 

An elderly man walked into the church and took a seat in a confessional.

"Father," he said, I am making love twice a day to an eighteen-year-old girl."

"Mr. Solomon, you're Jewish," the priest replied. "Why are you telling me?"

"I'm telling everyone!"
 

A devout Catholic woman was running late to Church, slipped and fell, skinning her elbows and knees, and splitting her skirt.

Dazed and confused, she glanced up a saw a man staring at her from the Church steps.

“Are you OK ?” he asked.

“Yes, but is Mass out ?” she asked.

“No ma’am,” he replied, “but your hat is on crooked.”
 

In a certain suburban neighborhood, there were two brothers, about 8 and 10 years old, who were exceedingly mischievous.

Whatever went wrong in the neighborhood, it turned out they had a hand in it.

Their parents were at wits’ end trying to control them.

There was a priest nearby who worked with delinquent boys, the mother suggested to the father that they ask the priest to talk to the boys

The father replied, “Sure, do it fore' I kill them!"

The mother went to talk to the priest.

The priest said "Send the younger boy in first."

The boy came in and sat down.

For about five minutes they just sat quietly and stared at each other.

Finally, the priest pointed his forefinger at the boy and asked, “WHERE IS GOD?”

The boy looked under the desk, in the corners of the room, all around, but said nothing.

Again, louder, the priest pointed at the boy and asked, “WHERE IS GOD?”

Again the boy looked all around but said nothing.

A third time, in a louder, firmer voice, the priest leaned over and put his forefinger almost to the boy’s nose, and asked, “WHERE IS GOD?”

The boy panicked and ran all the way home.

Finding his older brother, he dragged him upstairs to their room and into the closet, where they usually plotted their mischief. He finally said, “We are in BIG trouble.”

The older boy asked, “What do you mean, we're in BIG trouble?”

His brother replied, “God is missing and they think we did it!”
 

The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks an older priest to sit in on his sessions. The new priest hears a couple confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions.
The old priest says, "Cross you arms over your chest and rub your chin with one hand."

The new priest tries this. The old priest suggests, "Try saying things like, 'I see,' 'yes,' 'go on,' 'I understand,' and 'how did you feel about that?'"

The new priest says those things, trying them out. The old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little better than saying, 'Whoa... What happened next?'"
 

The Pope is visiting town and all the residents are dressed up in their best sunday clothes.

Everyone lines up on main street hoping for a personal blessing from the Pope.

One local man has put on his best suit and he's sure the Pope will stop and talk to him. He is standing next to an exceptionally down-trodden looking bum who doesn't smell very good.

As the Pope comes walking by he leans over and says something to the bum and then walks right by the local man.

He can't believe it, then it hits him. The pope won't talk to him, he's concerned for the unfortunate people the poor and and feeble ones.

Thinking fast, he gives the bum $20 to trade clothes with him.

He puts on the bums clothing and runs down the street to line up for another chance for the pope to stop and talk to him.

Sure enough, the Pope walks right up to him this time, leans over close and says "I thought I told you to get the hell out of here!"
 

Pedestrians

Paddy was in New York waiting patiently, as she watched the cop direct traffic on a busy street crossing.

The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, "Okay pedestrians".

Then he'd allow the traffic to pass.

He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.

After the cop had shouted "Pedestrians" for the tenth time

Paddy went over to him and said, "Isn't it about time you let the Catholics across?"
 

Before performing a baptism, the priest approached the young father and said solemnly, "Baptism is a serious step. Are you prepared for it?"

"I think so," the man replied. "My wife has made appetizers and we have a caterer coming to provide plenty of cookies and cakes for all of our guests."

"I don't mean that," the priest responded. "I mean, are you prepared spiritually?"

"Oh, sure," came the reply. "I've got a keg of beer and a case of whiskey."
 

A little boy was sitting on the curb with a gallon of turpentine and shaking it up and watching all the bubbles. A little while later a Priest came along and asked the little boy what he had. The little boy replied, "This is the most powerful liquid in the world, its called turpentine."

The Priest said, "No, the most powerful liquid in the world is Holy Water.  If you take some of this Holy Water and rub it on a pregnant women's belly,  she'll pass a healthy baby boy."

The little boy replied, "Shoot, that ain't nothin.' You take some of this here  turpentine & rub it on a cat's butt and he'll pass a motorcycle."
 

Priest... 'I don't think you will ever find another man like your late husband.' 

She said...'Who's gonna look?' 
 

The pope had become very ill and was taken to many doctors, all of them could not figure out how to cure him. Finally he was brought to an old physician, who stated that he could figure it out.

After about an hour's examination he came out and told the cardinals that he knew what was wrong. He said that the bad news was that it was a rare disorder of the testicles.

He said that the good news was that, all the pope had to do to be cured was to have sex.

Well, this was not a good news to the cardinals, who argued about it at length. Finally they went to the pope with the doctor and explained the situation.

After some thought, the pope stated, "I agree, but under four conditions."

The cardinals were amazed and there arose uproar. Over all of the noise there arose a single voice that asked, "And what are the four conditions?"

The room stilled. There was a long pause... The pope replied, "First the girl must be blind, so that she cannot see with whom she is having sex."

"Second, she must be deaf, so that she cannot hear with whom she is having sex."

"And third she must be dumb so that if somehow she figures out with whom she is having sex, she can tell no one."

After another long pause a voice arose and asked, "And the fourth condition?"

The pope smiled and replied, " Big tits! "
 

An old priest got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery. One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "if I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!"

Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen".'This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at a ripe old age.

About a week after the new priest arrived, he visited the Mayor of the town and seemed very concerned. The priest said, "you have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about having fallen."

The Mayor started to laugh, realizing that no-one had told the new priest about the code word.

Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at the mayor and said, "I don't know what you're laughing about, Your wife fell three times this week."
 

There was once a priest of a rather large congregation. All was fairly well in church, but the offerings were nowhere near normal. So the priest decided to take some action. He tried group talk, asking nicely at the end of church, and just begging, but nothing seemed to work. Finally, as a last resort the priest decided to try hypnosis!

The next Sunday when came offering time, the priest brought out a gold watch on a chain, waved it back and forth and asked each person in the congregation to give 5 dollars in the offering plate.

At the end of the service the priest was surprised to find a whole bunch of 5 dollar bills in the offering plates!

Surprised, the priest decided to try hypnosis again the next week, only this time with 10 dollar bills. So when came offering time he took out his gold watch and chain, waved it back and forth and asked each person in the congregation to give 10 dollar bills.

At the end of the service he was ecstatic to find a whole bunch of 10 dollar bills!

With all the new money coming in the priest was starting to get a little greedy. He decided to try his hypnosis with 50 dollar bills!

So the next Sunday, when offering time came he took out his gold watch and chain, started waving it, and half way through his question, the chain broke and the watch fell to the ground. "Oh shit", the priest exclaimed.

It took a week to clean up the church
 

A priest is in his church on Saturday afternoon hearing confessions. A man walks in, kneels down and says, "Father, it has been 2 weeks since my last confession - these are my sins. Last night I had sex with Nookie Green."

"That is your sin?"

"Yes, Father."

"You are forgiven. Go out and say one Our Father."

The man leaves, and another enters the confessional and kneels.

"Father, it has been one month since my last confession. These are my sins. I have had sex with Nookie Green every week for the last month."

The priest thinks to himself that this Nookie Green woman is fairly popular with his male parishioners.

"Those are your sins?"

"Yes, Father."

"You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Marys."

Soon, another entered and knelt. "Father, it has been six months since my last confession, and these are my sins.

I have had sex with Nookie Green twice a week for the last six months."

This time the priest has to ask, "Who is this Nookie Green?"

"Just a woman I know, Father," came the reply.

"Very well," said the priest,"you are forgiven. Go out and say ten Hail Marys."

The next morning the priest was giving the sermon in front of his congregation.

The doors flew open in the back of the church and in walked a tall, gorgeous red-headed woman with a green sequined dress, green sequined heels and a green hat with a long green feather. She walked straight up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest, her knees apart.

The priest just stared.

He finally caught himself and leaned over to ask the alter boy, "Pssssst. Is that Nookie Green?"

The alter boy had a long, hard look and said, "No, Father. I think it's just the reflection off her shoes."
 

A girl is standing at The Gates Of Heaven when she hears horrible screams of pain and torture coming from inside. She asks St. Peter, "What's going on?"

He says, "That's the sound of new angels getting big holes drilled into their backs for their wings, and small hole drilled into their heads for their halos."

She says, "Heaven sounds terrible. I think maybe I'd rather go to Hell."

St. Peter says, "In Hell, you'll be constantly raped and sodomized."

She says, "That's okay. I've already got holes for that."
 

There were 3 priests in a railroad station all wanting to go home to Pittsburg.

Behind the counter was a very shapely lass. She was amazingly well endowed, and it was obvious she was dressed - almost - to accentuate her attributions. This was embarrassing new territory for the priests so they drew straws to determine who would buy the tickets.

The first priest drew the short straw, and approached the window. "Young Lady," he began, "I would like three pickets to titsburg..." Where upon ealizing his mistake, he lost his composer and fled.

The second priest seeing his companion leave, approached the window."Young Lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburg, and I would like my change in nipples and dimes..." Of corse, he also fled in confusion.

Then came the third, stepping up all business he said clearly, "Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburg, and I would like my changein nickles and dimes. If you please, and must I say, if you continue to dress in that fashion, when you get to the pearly gates, I am afraid St.Finger will shake his peter at you!"
 

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi were sitting around discussing the pigeon problem. Each house of worship was being over run with pigeons on the roofs.

The minister said "I tried to shoot them off, but they'd just circle around and come back. The only damage it did was to put holes in my roof."

The rabbi said, "I tried to smoke the pigeons off my roof, but all that happened was the roof caught fire."

The priest then told the others that he managed to get rid of the birds.

The others were amazed and asked what his secret was.

"Well," he said, "I just baptized them, confirmed them, and I haven't seen them since."
 

Priest vs. Homosexual

What is the difference between a priest and a homosexual?

The way they say ahhhh-men.
 

A devout Catholic woman was running late to Church, slipped and fell, skinning her elbows and knees, and splitting her skirt. Dazed and confused, she glanced up a saw a man staring at her from the Church steps.

“Are you OK ?” he asked.

“Yes, but is Mass out ?” she asked.

“No ma’am,” he replied, “but your hat is on crooked.”
 

What’s the difference between the Pope and your boss?

The Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.
 

The priest listens and then asks, "Is there anything else?''

The old guy says, ''During the war, when I was young, a beautiful Germam girl came to my farm after escaping and asked me if I would hide her. I told her I would if she provided me with sexual favors.''

The priest replies, ''Don't worry about it. It was wartime and you both were under a lot of pressure.''

The old guy says, ''Does that mean that I have to tell her that the war is over?'''
 

One day a guy died and went to heaven.

He was curious about how God lived and said, "God, how much is a millenium to you?"

God said, "Less than One second."

"The man said, "God, how much is $100,000,000,000. to you?" God said, "One penny."

The guy thought for a minute and said, "God, can I have a penny?"

God said, "One second."
 

The Track

George loves the race track. One day he was there betting on the ponies and nearly losing his shirt when he noticed this priest who stepped out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race.

Lo and behold, this horse - a very long shot - won the race.

George was most interested to see what the priest did the next race. Sure enough, he watched the priest step out onto the track as the 5th race horses lined up, and placed his blessing on the forehead of one of the horses.

George made a beeline for the window and placed a small bet on the horse. Again, even though another long shot, the horse the priest had blessed won the race.

George collected his winnings and anxiously waited to see which horse the priest bestowed his blessing on for the 6th race. The priest showed, blessed a horse, George bet on it, and won!

George was elated. As the day went on, the priest continued blessing one of the horses, and it always came in first. George began to pull in some serious money, and by the last race, he knew his wildest dreams were going to come true.

He made a quick stop at the ATM and withdrew every penny he owned, and awaited the priest¹s blessing that would tell him which horse to place the bet on. True to his pattern, the priest stepped out onto the track before the last Race and blessed the forehead, eyes, ears and hooves of one of the horses.

George placed his bet - every cent he owned - and watched the horse come in dead last.

George was dumbfounded. He made his way to the track, and when he found the priest, he demanded, ³What happened, Father? All day you blessed horses and they won. The last race, you bless a horse and he loses. Now I¹ve lost my life savings, thanks to you!²

The priest nodded wisely and said, ³That¹s the problem with you Protestants.... You can¹t tell the difference between a simple blessing and the Last Rites.
 

Subject: : Priests at the Pearly Gates

Two priests died at the same time and met St. Peter
at the Pearly Gates.
St. Peter said, "I'd like to get you guys in right
now, but our computer system is down.
You'll have to go back to Earth for about a week
before
we can get you in, but you can't go back as yourselves
-- you'd never be able to explain that.
So, whatever you'd like to be for a week."

The first priest said, "I've always wanted to be an
eagle, soaring above the Rocky Mountains.
Would that be possible?"
"So be it," said St. Peter, and the first priest
turned into a majestic eagle and soared down to
Earth.

The second priest thought about it for a moment, and
asked, "Hmm, will any of this week 'count,' if you
know
what I mean?" "No, not this week," St. Peter replied.
"We'll forgive any minor offenses, if there's
something
you've always wanted to try.
No murders or anything like that, of course."

"In that case," said the second priest, a little
embarrassed,
"I've always secretly wanted to be a stud."
"So be it," said St. Peter, and the second priest
disappeared.

A week passed, and the Lord told St. Peter to recall
the two from Earth to be admitted to Heaven.

"Any problem finding them?" He asked.

"The first one should be easy to spot," says St.
Peter.
"He's somewhere over the Rockies, flying with the
eagles. But the second one might be a little more
difficult."

"Why?" asked the Lord.

"He's on a snow tire, somewhere in Buffalo, New York.

 

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, "Father, me dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?"

Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature."

Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate for the service?"

Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya'
tell me the dog was Catholic?"
 

During his visit to the United Statesthe Pope met with President Clinton.

Instead of just an hour as scheduled, the meeting went on for two days.Finally, a weary President Clinton emerged to face the waiting news media.The President was smiling and announced the summit was a resounding success. He said that he and the Pope agreed on 80% of the matters they discussed.

Then Mr. Clinton declared he was going home to the White House to be with his family.

A few minutes later the Pope came out to make his statement. He looked tired, discouraged and was practically in tears.

Sadly he announced his meeting with the President was a failure.

Incredulous, one reporter asked,"But your Holiness, President Clinton just announced the summit was agreat success and the two of you agreed on 80% of the items discussed."

Exasperated, the Pope answered, "Yes, but we were talking about the Ten Commandments."
 

A man who had been called to testify at the Internal Revenue Service asked his accountant for advice on what to wear. "Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper," the accountant replied.

Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice.

"Don't let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie."

Confused, the man went to his priest, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution on the dilemma. "Let me tell you a story," replied the priest. "A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. 'Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck. But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. 'Wear your most sexy negligee, with a V-neck right down to your navel.'"

Confused, the man asked, "What does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?"

"Simple," replied the Priest. "It doesn't matter what you wear, you're going to get screwed."

A lady is in a confession booth.

She says to the priest, ''Father, I think my husband is a son of a bitch.''

Baffled, the priest asks why she thinks that.

She replies, ''Well...he kisses me.''

So the priest goes over to her side and kisses her. He goes back to his side and says, ''See, I kissed you and I'm not a son of a bitch.''

She replies, ''Yes..but he...feels me.'' So the priest goes over and proceeds to feel her. He goes back and says, ''But I felt you, and I'm not a son of a bitch.''

The lady replies, ''But..he...you know..does it with me.''

So the priest goes over and has sex with her. After they're finished, the priest says, ''But I just had sex with you, and I'm not a son of a bitch.''

The lady says,''Yes, but Father, my husband has AIDS.''

And the priest says, ''SON OF A BITCH!''

 

At a small parish in rural New England there lived a priest, and several nuns. One day, one of the older nuns was noticing that the rugs in the church were
beginning to fray. She went to the priest and told him, "Father, I believe your rugs need to be replaced soon."

The priest thanked her for bringing it to his attention, and told her that he thought that she had been therelong enough to refer to church property as 'our' not 'your.'

Several days later, the same nun noticed that the hedge needed to be trimmed. She again went to the priest and told him, "Father, I've noticed that your... I mean our
hedge needs to be trimmed."

The priest thanked her for again bringing something to his attention and this time asked her if she had seen his watch that had gone missing.She said she hadn't, but assured him she would look for it.

A few days later the parish received word that the bishop would be coming for a visit. The entire parish was busy readying the church for the visit. On the day the bishop arrived, the same nun came down the front stairs yelling, "Father! Father! I found your watch!"

The bishop said, "How wonderful my child. Where did you find it?"After saying hello to the bishop, the nun turned to the priest and said, "I found it under OUR bed."
 

A woman starts dating a doctor.

Before too long, she becomes pregnant and they don't know what to do.

About nine months later, just about the time she is going to give birth, a priest goes into the hospital for a prostate gland infection.

The doctor says to the woman, "I know what we'll do. After I've operated on the priest, I'll give the baby to him and tell him it was a miracle."

"Do you think it will work?" she asks the doctor.

"It's worth a try," he says.

So, the doctor delivers the baby and then operates on the priest. After the operation he goes in to the priest and says, "Father, you're not going to believe this."

"What?" says the priest. "What happened?"

"You gave birth to a child."

"But that's impossible!"" I just did the operation," insists the doctor.

"It's a miracle! Here's your baby."

About fifteen years go by, and the priest realizes he must tell his son the truth. One day he sits the boy down and says, "Son, I have something to tell you. I'm not your father."

The son says, "What do you mean, you're not my father?"

The priest replies, "I'm your mother. The archbishop is your father."
 

Nina, a rather young miss attending St. Mary's Catholic Girls School, was sitting on the sidewalk, smoking a cigarette.

The local priest, walks by and gives her a glare. "Nina! Smoking at such a young age! Aren't you ashamed?"

"What?" said Nina, "You got something better to do after sex?"
 

Headline on BBC News Online read 'Dog Abuse Claims US Priests' this morning, but clicking on the link revealed a story about child abuse and RC priests. By lunchtime the headline had been corrected to 'Abuse Claims Dog US Priests'.

Sexually abusing kids is bad enough, but dogs...
 

A Rabbi and a Priest were sitting together on a train, and the Rabbi leans over and asks, "So how high can you go in your organization?"

The Priest says, "If I am lucky, I guess I could become a Bishop."

"But, could you get any higher than that?" asks the Rabbi.

"I suppose that if my works are seen in a very good light, that I might be made an Arch Bishop," said the Priest a bit cautiously.

"Is there any way that you might go higher than that?"

"Now, if all the Saints should smile, I guess I could be made a Cardinal", said the priest."

Could you be anything higher than a Cardinal?" probed the Rabbi.

Hesitating just a little bit, the Priest said "I suppose that I could be elected Pope, but the odds there..."

So the Rabbi interjects, "And could you be anything higher than that?

What is there higher than the Pope?""What!!!!!!!! I should be the Messiah himself?!!"

The Rabbi leaned back, smiled, and said, "Well, you know, one of our boys made it..."
 

A Rabbi and a Catholic Priest were having breakfast.

The Priest asked the Rabbi, "When are you going to eat some Ham?"

The Rabbi replied, "At your wedding."

 

A little boy was sitting on the curb with a gallon of turpentine and
shaking it up and watching all the bubbles.

A little while later a Priest came along and asked the little boy what he had.

The little boy replied, "This is the most powerful liquid in the world, its called turpentine."

The Priest said, "No, the most powerful liquid in the world is Holy Water, If you take some of this Holy Water and rub it on a pregnant women's belly, she'll pass a healthy baby boy."

The little boy replied "That ain't nothin'. You take some of this here turpentine and rub it on a cat's ass and he'll pass a motorcycle."
 

A priest was taking a shortcut through an alley one day and came upon a young boy who was masturbating.

"My son, you shouldn't be doing that", said the priest. "You should be saving that for when you get married."

The embarrassed boy hung his head down low and simply said "Yes, Father."

About 10 years later the priest was in his study when a young man, in his early twenties came in.

"Yes, my son?" said the priest.

"Father, you may not remember me, but about 10 years ago you caught me masturbating in an alley, and I'll never forget the advice you gave then."

"And what was that, my son?"

"Well, you told me that what I was doing was wrong and I should be saving it for when I get married", said the young man.

"That sounds like something I probably would have said" said thepriest. "Did you take my advice?"

"Yes I did, Father; but there's only one problem."

"What's that, my son?"

"Well, I have a 55 gallon drum of the stuff in the back of my pickup truck. Now that I am getting married, what am I supposed to do with it?"
 

Four Catholic mothers are sitting around bragging about their sons, each of whom is a priest.

The first mother says, "My son is a Monsignor, and when he walks in the room, people greet him 'Good morning, Monsignor.'"

The second mother says, "Well, my son is a Bishop, and people greet him 'Good morning, your Grace.'"

The third mother says, "Well, my son is a Cardinal, and people greet him 'Good morning, your Eminence.'"

The fourth mother pauses, and finally says, "My son is six feet, ten inches tall and is 300 pounds of pure muscle. When he walks in the room, people greet him 'Oh, My God!'"
 

This fellow comes to confession. "Father, he said, forgive me for I have sinned."

The priest asked, "What did you do, my son?"

"I lusted," the young man replied.

"Tell me about it," the priest said.

The fellow then related his story. "Father, I am a deliveryman for UPS. Yesterday I was making adelivery in the affluent section of the city. When Irang the bell, the door opened and there stood the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. She had
long blonde hair and eyes like emeralds. She wasdressed in a sheer dressing gown that showed herperfect figure. And, she asked if I would like to come in."

"And, what did you do, my son?" asked the priest.

"Father, I did not go in the house but I lusted. Oh, how I lusted," replied the man.

"Your sin has been forgiven," replied the priest. "You will get your reward in heaven, my son."

"A reward, father? What do you think my reward might be?" the guy asked.

The priest replied, "I think a bale of hay would be appropriate, you jackass."

 

The Pope has finally decided to break his silence on issue of priests sexually molesting young boys and has put into place a new strict law governing the actions
and behavior of all priests.

The Vatican calls this new law "Three Tykes And You're Out."
 

The Irish priest was at the altar one dreary Sunday morning, addressing his congregation, vehement that alcohol was the work of the devil.

"As an example," he stated during his sermon, "If you were to lead a donkey to a bowl of water and a bowl of whiskey, from which would he drink?"

A grizzled old Mick at the back of the church spoke up: "Aye, Father, for sure he'd drink from the water."

The priest, elated, said, "Very good, my son. And can you tell me WHY he'd drink from the water?"

The Irishman at the back of the church replied, "Sure I can tell ye' why, Father. Because he's an ass."

Luigi: "Father, I want an annulment."

Priest: "Why, Luigi?"

Luigi: "I think I married my sister."

Priest: "No, no Luigi. I've known you and your wife all your lives, and there is no relation. What makes you think you've married your sister?"

Luigi: "Last night -- we undress for bed -- she look at me -- she say --"Oh, brother!"

There was an earthquake at the Christian Brothers' monastery and it was levelled.

All fifty brothers were transported to heaven at the one time.

At the Pearly Gates, St Peter said, "Let's go through the entry test as a group.

Now, first question. How many of you have played around with little boys?"

Forty-nine hands went up.

"Right!" said St Peter. "You forty-nine can go down to Purgatory. Oh, and take that deaf bastard with you!"
 

There were two beggars sitting side by side on a street in Mexico City. One had a Christian cross in front of him, the other one the Star of David. Many people went
by, looked at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the one sitting behind the cross.

A priest came by, stopped, and watched many, many people give money to the beggar behind the cross, but not to the beggar behind the Star of David.

Finally he went over to the beggar behind the Star of David and said, "Don't you understand? This is a Catholic country. People aren't going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially whenyou're sitting beside a beggar who has a cross."

The Star of David beggar listened to the priest and, turning to the Christian cross beggar, said: "Moishe...look who's trying to teach us marketing."
 

One fine sunny morning, the priest took a walk in the localforest. He had been walking by the small stream when henoticed a sad, sad looking frog sitting on a toadstool.

"What's wrong with you?" said the priest.

"Well," said the frog, "the reason I am so sad on this fine day is because I wasn't always a frog."

"Really!" said the priest. "Can you explain!"

"Once upon a time I was an 11 year old Choir boy at the local church. I too was walking through this forest when I was confronted by the wicked witch of the forest. 'Let me pass!' I yelled, but to no avail. She called me a cheekylittle boy and with a flash of her wand, turned me into this frog you see before you."

"That's an incredible story" said the priest. "Is there no way of reversing this spell that the witch has cast upon you?."

"Yes" said the frog, "It is said, that if a nice kind person would pick me up, take me home, give me food & Warmth and with a good nights sleep would wake up a boy once again."

"Today's your lucky day!" said the priest, and picked up the frog and took him home. The priest gave the frog lots of food, placed him by the fire and at bedtime put the frog on the pillow beside him. When the priest awoke, he saw the 11-year-old Choir boy beside him in bed.

"And that, Your Honor, is the case for the Defense."

A priest was driving along and saw nun on the side of the road he
stopped and offered her a lift which she accepted. She got in and
crossed her legs, forcing the habit to open and reveal a leg.

The priest looks and nearly has an accident, and after changing gear lets his hand slide up her leg. She immediately says "Father remember psalm 129."

The priest apologizes profusely and removes his hand but is unable to remove his eyes from her leg.

Further on when he changes gear and has oggled at her leg for the
zillionth time he lets the hand slide up the leg again. The Nun once again says "Father remember psalm 129"

Once again the priest apologizes "Sorry sister but you know the flesh is weak."

Arriving at the convent the nun gets out and the priest goes on his way.

Once he arrives at his church he rushes to the bible and looks up psalm 129 it said: "GO FORTH AND SEEK, FURTHER UP YOU WILL FIND
GLORY"

 

HEALTH INSURANCE

A man suffered a serious heart attack and had open heart bypass surgery. He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic hospital.

As he was recovering, a nun asked him questions regarding how he was going to
pay for services.

He was asked if he had health insurance. He replied, in araspy voice, "No health insurance."

The nun asked if he had money in the bank.

He replied, "No money in the bank."

The nun asked, "Do you have a relative who could help you?"

He said, "I only have a spinster sister, who is a nun."

The nun got a little perturbed and announced loudly. "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God."

The patient replies, "Send the bill to my brother-in-law."
 

Confessional Etiquette

The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks an older priest to sit in on his sessions. The new priest hears a couple confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions.

The old priest says, "Cross you arms over your chest and rub your chin with one hand."

The new priest tries this. The old priest suggests, "Try saying things like, 'I see,' 'yes,' 'go on,' 'I understand,' and 'how did you feel about that?'"

The new priest says those things, trying them out. The old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little better than saying,
'Whoa... What happened next?'"


 

A married man goes to the confessional and tells the priest, "I almost had an affair with a woman."

The priest asks, "What do you mean, almost?"

"Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."

The priest replies, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to go near that woman again. Now, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box."

The man leaves the confessional, says his prayers, and then walks over to the poor box. He pauses for a moment and then starts to leave.

The priest quickly runs over to him and says, "I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box."

"Well, Father, I rubbed up against it and you said it was the same as putting it in."
 

Two priests standing at the urinals.

One looks over at the other and sees that he has a nicoderm patch on his penis.

"What's with the patch?" he asks.

"You aren't supposed to wear it on your penis."

"It works for me ", said the other. "I'm down to two butts a day!"
 

A Catholic boy was bragging to his Jewish friend.
"My priest knows more than your rabbi."

"Of course he does," said the Jewish boy.
"You tell him everything."

 

The man on crutches walked into the church one morning, stopped at the holy water, sprinkled some of it on both legs then threw away
the crutches.

Witnessing this an alter boy ran into the rectory and told the priest what he had seen.

Without batting an eye the priest told the alter boy he had just witnessed a genuine miracle then asked, "Now, where is this man?"

"Flat on his ass over by the holy water" he replied.
 

At one local church, Joe was in charge of taking up the offerings. One Sunday after the services, the priest counted the cash and found it was smaller than anticipated. So he questioned Joe. He told him that it did not seem enough for the size of the congregation.

Joe said that he did not take any of the offering.

The priest again questioned him and again he said that he did not take any of the offering. So the priest said "get in the confessional" which Joe did.

Then the priest asked him did you take any of the offering and this time he said "I can't hear you".

Again the priest asked "Joe did you take any of the offering?"

Again Joe answered "I can't hear you".

This time the priest yelled "JOE DID YOU TAKE ANY OF THE OFFERING"

Again Joe answered "I can't hear you".

By this time the priest was getting a little angry so he came out of the confessional and said "Joe trade places with me and you can ask me a question."

So they traded places and Joe asked " I hear that you and my wife are having an affair, is that true?"

To which the priest answered "By Golly you can't hear in here"
 

An old man was once on the subway, and he sat down next to a younger man. He noticed that the young man had a strange kind of shirt collar.

Having never seen a priest before, he asked, "Excuse me sir, but why doyou have your shirt collar on backwards?"

The priest became a bit flustered but politely answered, "I wear this
collar because I am a Father."

The older gent thought a second and responded, "Sir, I am also a father but I wear my collar front-ways. Why do you wear your collar so
differently?"

The priest thought for a minute and said, "Sir, I am the Father for many."

The older fellow quickly answered, "I too am the father of many. I have five sons, six daughters and too many grandchildren to count... But I wearmy collar like everyone else does. Why do you wear it your way?"

The priest who was beginning to get exasperated thought and then blurtedout, "Sir, I am the Father for hundreds and hundreds of people."

Now the kindly old gentleman was stunned and sat silently for a long time.

As he got up to leave the subway train, he leaned over to the priest and said, "Well, sonny, perhaps, it's your pants you should wear backwards."
 

Two priests died at the same time and met Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, "I'd like to get you guys in now, but our computer's down. You'll have to go back to Earth for about a week, but you can't go back as priests. What'll it be?"

The first priest says, "I've always wanted to be an eagle, soaring above the Rocky mountains."

"So be it," says St. Peter, and off flies the first priest.

The second priest mulls this over for a moment and asks, "Will any of this week 'count', St. Peter?"

"No, I told you the computer's down. There's no way we can keep track ofwhat you're doing."

"In that case," says the second priest, "I've always wanted to be a stud."

"So be it" says St. Peter, and the second priest disappears.

A week goes by, the computer is fixed, and the Lord tells St. Peter to
recall the two priests. "Will you have any trouble locating them?" He
asks.

"The first one should be easy," says St. Peter. "He's somewhere over theRockies, flying with the eagles. But the second one could prove to be more difficult."

"Why?" asketh the Lord.

"He's on a snow tire, somewhere in North Dakota."
 

The neighborhood plotted to invite the family to parish events, and after a few months, the new family decided to convert and join the Catholic church.

After weeks of study, the family stood at the front of the congregation. Just in the nick of time as Lent was once again upon them. A priest blessed them, spritzed them with holy water and incense and chanted, "A protestant you were born, a protestant you were raised, but Catholic, you now become."

That Friday, the neighbors were upset to once again smell the scent of a barbecue wafting across the area. Feeling offended, they stormed to the back yard of the newly converted neighbor to witness him shaking salt onto the steaks chanting, "A cow your were born, a cow you were raised, but a Fish, now become."
 

12 Priests and the Naked Dancer

Twelve priests were about to be ordained. The final
test was for them to line up in a straight row,
totally nude, in a garden while a sexy and beautiful,
big breasted, nude model danced before them.

Each priest had a small bell attached to his penis
and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when
she danced in front of them would not be ordained
because he had not reached a state of spiritual
purity.

The beautiful model danced before the first candidate, with no
reaction.
She
proceeded down the line with the same response from all the
priests
until
she got to the final priest (Carlos).

As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that
it flew off and fell clattering to the ground.
Embarrassed,Carlos took a few steps forward, and bent over to pick
it
up.

Then, all the other bells started to ring..........

 

The Catholic chauffeur was bragging to his friend how well the
Jewish family who employed him treated him. "You wouldn't believe it," he said. "I get tips galore, and they always buy me lunch or
dinner when I drive. My salary is great, with benefits. I get off
all holidays, including the Jewish ones, like Rosh Hashanah."

"That sounds pretty good," said the friend. "But what is Rosh
Hashanah?"

"Oh, that's when they blow the shofar," replied the chauffeur.

"Wow!" said the amazed friend. "Those really are SOME benefits."
 

A visiting priest was getting the grand tour of the convent, led by one of the sisters. They go into a room with four portraits.

"Who is this?" asks the padre.

"Oh, that's the Virgin of Guadalupe"

"And this portrait?"

"That is the beautiful Virgin of Asissi"

"Who is this third one?"

"That is the Virgin of Ishia"

"And the final portrait, what virgin is she?"

"Oh, that's no virgin, that's the Mother Superior."

 

A new convert to Catholicism decided to go to confession to deal with his transgression.

In the confessional, he told the priest that he had sinned.

"What was your sin, my son?" asked the priest.

"I stole some lumber, Father," replied the man.

"How much lumber did you steal?" asked the priest.

"Father, I built my German Shepherd dog a nice new doghouse."

The priest replied, "Well, that's not so bad."

The man continued, "Father, I also built myself a 4-car garage."

"Well, now, that's a little more serious."

"Father, there's more. In addition to the doghouse, the 4-car garage, I also built a 5 bedroom, 4 bath house!"

With a pause, the priest finally spoke. "That is a little more serious. I'm afraid you'll have to make a novena."

"Father, I'm not sure what a 'novena' is, but if you've got the blueprints, I've got the lumber!"
 

Father O'Malley rose from his bed. It was a fine spring day in his new Washington DC parish.

He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside.

He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn.

He promptly called the US Senate for assistance. The conversation went like this:

"Good morning. This is Senator Daschle. How might I help you?"

"And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St.Brigid's. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn. Would ye be so kind as to send a couple o' yer lads to take care of the matter?"

Senator Daschle, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk, "Well now father, it was always my impression that you people took care of last rites!"

There was dead silence on the line for a long moment.

Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye, that's certainly true, but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin.
 

Sister Mary Catherine and Sister Mary Elizabeth were walking through
the park when they were jumped by two thugs.Their habits were ripped from them and the men began to sexually assault them.

Sister Mary Catherine cast her eyes toward Heaven and cried out,
"Forgive him Lord, for he knows not what he is doing!"

Sister Mary Elizabeth turns and says, "Mine does..."

TOP TEN SONG TITLES ON THE POPE'S NEW ALBUM

10. Girls Just Want To Be Nuns

9. Wind Beneath My Vestments

8. Pretty Fly (For A Celibate Guy)

7. A Whiter Shade Of Robe

6. Exactly Like A Virgin

5. Sistine Candles

4. Take This Job And Read It

3. Gettin' Popey Wit It

2. God Must Have Spent A Little More Time On Me

1. Papa's Got A Brand New Encyclical
 

TOP TEN BAD THINGS ABOUT HAVING A SUMMER TIME SHARE WITH DARTH VADER

10. Claims those long-distance calls to the Death Star aren't his.

9. Uses Jedi powers to shake up your root beer right before you open it.

8. He's always accusing you of hiding his asthma inhaler.

7. Claims he paid you the rent "a long, long time ago."

6. Dances around in nothing but cape and cowboy hat while doing "Darth Brooks" routine.

5. For once he could use Force to lift his wet towel off the couch.

4. That scary music that plays when he enters a room gets old real fast.

3. You feel like an idiot saying, "No, Darth isn't here. He's on the ice planet Hoth."

2. Not easy cleaning burnt Ewok fur off the barbecue grill.

1. Constantly doing his lame James Earl Jones impression.
 

Rated G

Why do you dress so funny?

Rated G ............True Story

Rated PG

Happy Confession

Rated PG Lorraine

Rated G

Rated G

DANCING IN THE CONFESSIONAL!

Rated PG

Rated PG Sue Bee

AFFAIR CONFESSION

Rated R

Rated X

Rated G

Rated G Lorraine

Rated G

Rated G

Rated G

Rated R

Rated G

Rated G

Rated G Lorraine

Rated XX

Rated G DonnaLee

Written in a restroom in Ireland,

Rated R

Rated G Ed in Aurora