95% of all lawyers give the rest a bad name!

*****************************************************

What do you get when you cross a corrupt lawyer with a crooked politician?

Chelsea Clinton.

* ***************************************

Why do lawyers where ties?

So the foreskin won't slip over their heads.

***************************************

Q: What do you have when 100 lawyers are buried up to their neck in sand?

A: Not enough sand.
 

They're things people actually said in court, word for word.

1
Q:? What is your date of birth?
A:? July fifteenth.
Q:? What year?
A:? Every year.

2
Q:? What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A:? Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

3
Q:? This myasthenia gravis-does it affect your memory at all?
A:? Yes.
Q:? And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A:? I forget.
Q:? You forget. Can you give us an example of something that
you've
forgotten?

4
Q:? How old is your son-the one living with you.
A:? Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q:? How long has he lived with you?
A:? Forty-five years.

5
Q:? What was the first thing your husband said to you when he
woke that
morning?
A:? He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q:? And why did that upset you?
A:? My name is Susan.

6
Q:? And where was the location of the accident?
A:? Approximately milepost 499.
Q:? And where is milepost 499?
A:? Probably between milepost 498 and 500.

7
Q:? All your responses must be oral, OK What school did you go
to?
A:? Oral.

8
Q:? Sir, what is your IQ?
A:? Well, I can see pretty well, I think.

9
Q:? Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and
blue lights
flashing?
A:? Yes.
Q:? Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A:? Yes, sir.
Q:? What did she say?
A:? What disco am I at?

10
Q:? So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A:? Yes.
Q:? And what were you doing at that time?

11
Q:? She had three children, right?
A:? Yes.
Q:? How many were boys?
A:? None.
Q:? Were there any girls?

12 Q:? You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A:? Yes.
Q:? And these stairs, did they go up also?

13 Q:? Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon,
didn't you?
A:? I went to Europe, Sir.
Q:? And you took your new wife?

14 Q:? How was your first marriage terminated?
A:? By death.
Q:? And by whose death was it terminated?

15 Q:? Can you describe the individual?
A:? He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q:? Was this a male, or a female?

16 Q:? Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a
deposition
notice which I sent to your attorney?
A:? No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

17 Q:? Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead
people?
A:? All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

18 Q:? Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A:? The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q:? And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A:? No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing
an autopsy.

19 Q:? Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check
for a
pulse?
A:? No.
Q:? Did you check for blood pressure?
A:? No.
Q:? Did you check for breathing?
A:? No.
Q:? So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
began the
autopsy?
A:? No.
Q:? How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A:? Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q:? But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A:? It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing
law
somewhere.

20 Q:? You were not shot in the fracas?
A:? No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.
 

What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer?
A tick falls off of you when you die.

Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients?
To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service.

What do you have when 100 lawyers are buried up to their neck in sand?
Not enough sand.

What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
There are skid marks in front of the dog.

What is black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?
A Doberman.

Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?
If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched, they cannot be recalled. When they land, they screw up everything forever.

What do lawyers and sperm have in common?
One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.

Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps?
They had pictures of lawyers on them ... and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.

Lawyer's creed: A man is innocent until proven broke.

What's the difference between a female lawyer and a pit bull?
Lipstick.

What do you call 20 lawyers skydiving from an airplane?
Skeet.

If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why should you never swerve tohit him?
It might be your bicycle.

Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneousl spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it?
The old drunk, of course; the other three are mythical creatures.

It was so cold last winter ... (How cold was it?)
.... I was so cold that I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.

A man walked into a lawyer's office and inquired about the lawyer's rates.
"$50 for three questions", replied the lawyer.
"Isn't that awfully steep" asked the man?
"Yes," the lawyer replied, "and what was your third question?"

For years, the young attorney had been taking vacations at a country inn. The last time he'd finally managed an affair with the innkeeper's daughter. Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap!

"Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?" he cried. "I would have rushed up here,we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!"

"Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talking and talking, and decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer."

You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a lawyer. You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do?
Shoot the lawyer. Twice.
 

Two lawyers Joe and Tom were talking one day.

Joe said, "Last night I took the new intern out, we had dinner and then I took her home and we had sex. I'm glad we did cause she is a lo better than my wife."

The next day Tom said to Joe, "You know what? Last night I took the new intern out. We had dinner then we went to my house and we had sex. I disagree with you, your wife is a lot better." 
 

A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party.

Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice.

After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"

"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill. "The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try.

The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills. When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer. 
 

A guy phones a law office and says, "I want to speak to my lawyer."

The receptionist replies, "I'm sorry but he died lastweek."

The next day he phones again and asks the same question.

The receptionist replies, "I told you yesterday, he died last week."

The next day the guy calls again and asks to speak to his lawyer.

By this time the receptionist is getting annoyed and replies, "I keep telling you that your lawyer died last week.Why do you keep calling?"

The guy responds, "Because I just love hearing it."   
 

A man in a bar stands up and says, "All Lawyers are ASSHOLES!"

At the front of the bar another man stands up and says,

"Hey! I resent that!"

Thefirst man replies, "Why are you a lawyer?"

"NO! I'm an asshole!"   

A man walks into a friend and sees that his friend's car is total loss and covered with leaves, grass, branches, dirt and blood. He asks his friend, "What's happened to your car?"

"Well," the friend responses, "I ran into a lawyer."

"OK," says the man, "that explains the blood... But what about the leaves, the grass, the branches and the dirt?"

"Well, I had to chase him all through the park."
 

A lawyer named Strange died, and his friend asked the tombstone maker to inscribe on his tombstone, "Here lies Strange, an honest man, and a lawyer."

The inscriber insisted that such an inscription would be confusing, for passersby would tend to think that three men were buried under the stone.

However he suggested an alternative: He would inscribe, "Here lies a man who was both honest and a lawyer.

"That way, whenever anyone walked by the tombstone and read it, they would be certain to remark: "That's Strange!"
 

A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him to see St. Peter. To his suprise St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the lomg line to where the lawyer was, and greeted him warmly. Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line, and into a comfortable chair by his desk. The lawyer said "I don't mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?" St. Peter replied, "Well, I've added up all the hours for which you billed your clients and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old!"
 

There was a lawyer and he was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side.

His eyes fluttered open and he said, “You're beautiful!” and then he fell asleep again.

His wife had never heard him say that so she stayed by his side.

A couple minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said “You're cute!”

Well, the wife was dissapointed because instead of “beautiful” it was “cute.”

She said “What happened to ‘beautiful’? His reply was “The drugs are wearing off!” 
 

A certain lawyer was quite wealthy and had a summer house in the country, to which he retreated for several weeks of the year.

Each summer, the lawyer would invite a different friend of his to spend a week or two up at this place, which happened to be in a backwoods section of Maine.

On one particular occasion, he invited a Czechoslovakian friend to stay with him.

The friend, eager to get a freebie off a lawyer, agreed. Well, they had a splendid time in the country - rising early and living in the great outdoors. Early one morning, the lawyer and his Czechoslovakian companion went out to pick berries for their morning breakfast. As they went around the berry patch, gathering blueberries and raspberries in tremendous quantities, along came two huge bears - a male and a female.

Well, the lawyer, seeing the two bears, immediately dashed for cover. His friend, though, wasn't so lucky, and the male bear reached him and swallowed him whole.

The lawyer ran back to his Mercedes, tore into town as fast has he could, and got the local backwoods sheriff.

The sheriff grabbed his shotgun and dashed back to the berry patch with the lawyer. Sure enough, the two bears were still there. 'He's in THAT one!' cried the lawyer, pointing to the male, while visions of lawsuits from his friend's family danced in his head.

He just had to save his friend.

The sheriff looked at the bears, and without batting an eye, leveled his gun, took careful aim, and SHOT THE FEMALE.

'What did you do that for!' exclaimed the lawyer, 'I said he was in the other!' '

Exactly,' replied the sheriff, 'and would YOU believe a lawyer who told you that the Czech was in the Male?'    
 

"Terrorists abduct bus load of attorneys.

Note from terrorists:

"Unless you meet our demands, we will release one hostage a day!"   
 

Taken from a court in the United States

Question:

When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station?

Mr. Brooks: Objection. That question should be taken out and shot. 
 

A dog ran into a butcher shop and grabbed a roast off the counter.

The butcher recognized the dog as belonging to a neighbor.

The neighbor happened to be a lawyer.

Incensed at the theft, the butcher called up his neighbor and said, "Hey, if your dog stole a roast from my butcher shop, would you be liable for the cost of the meat?"

The lawyer replied, "Of course! How much was the roast?" The butcher replied, "$7.98."

A few days later the butcher received a check in the mail for $7.98.

Attached to it was an invoice that read: Legal Consultation Service: $150
 

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.

"But officer," the man began "I can explain."

"Just be quiet," snapped the officer.

"I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back."

"But officer, I just wanted to say..." "I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"

A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said,

"Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."

"Don't count on it,"answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."   
 

I was on a panel for prospective jury duty.

The first lawyer questioning us began right off as an intimidating showman.

When he came to his question, "Do any of you here today dislike lawyers?"

Before the pause became too long, the judge announced, "I do."   
 

Two lawyers are all who survive a ship wreck.

They wash up on a desert island and remain for a month.

One day, one of the lawyers sees something floating in. It looks like a beautiful, buxom woman wearing nothing but a life jacket. They pull the semi conscious woman from the surf and remove her jacket.

They stare at the moaning woman for several minutes. Finally, one lawyer leacherously looks at the other and asks,

"So . . . you want to fuck her?"

The other lawyer rubs his chin, thinks for a full minute, and finally asks, "Out of what?"   
 

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged,balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love"stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them.

He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.

His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"

"But why?" asks the man.

"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.
 

Two lawyers walking through the woods spotted a vicious-looking bear.

The first lawyer immediately opened his briefcase, pulled out a pair of sneakers and started putting them on.

The second lawyer looked at him and said, "You're crazy! You'll never be able to out run that bear!" "I don't have to," the first lawyer replied. "I only have to out run you."
 

A little girl takes the elevator on her way to school.

The girl hasn't finished her homework, as she is stuck with one of the questions.

Next to her in the elevator there is a housewife, an accoutant, and a lawyer.

"Excuse me", she says, speaking to no one in particular. "Could anyone please tell me how much is 3 times 4?"

"Why, twelve of course, little girl", answers the housewife, some what detachedly.

She steps out at the next elevator stop muttering something about laundry and cooking.

The girl seems not to be happy with the answer, so she looks at the accountant expectantly. He sighs, and tries to do some mental calculations.

"I'm not sure", he finally offers, "might be 11.99 or 12.50. I need to run these numbers on my spreadsheet to make sure."

Of course she is not happy with this answer either, so she turns to look at the lawyer. The lawyer smiles confidently at her, discretly signaling her to wait. When the accoutant finally steps out of the elevator, the lawyer kneels down to her and whispers, "how much do you want it to be?"
 

A man walked into a curio store and was shopping around.

Afterawhile, he chose a brass rat and brought it up to the counter.

The proprietor said, that will be $10 for the brass rat and $1,000 for the story behind it.

The man said, "Thanks, but I'll just pay the $10 and pass on the story." He purchased the brass rat and left the store.

As he was walking down the street, he started noticing all sorts of rats following him.

The further he walked--the more rats followed. He walked down to the wharf and still more rats came out and followed him. So, he decided to walk out into the water, which he did--and all the rats drowned.

He returned to the store shortly and when he walked in, the proprietor said, "Ah ha! You came back to pay the $1,000 for the story, right?"

"No," replied the man, "I came back to see if you have any brass lawyers!"
 

A pick pocket was up in court for a series of petty crimes.

The judge said, "Mr. Banks you are hereby fined $100."

The lawyer stood up and said,"Thanks, your honor , however my client only has $75 on him at this time, but if you'd allow him a few minutes in the crowd. . ."
 

Why are research labratories using lawyers instead of rats?

Nobody cares what happens to a lawyer.

The lab assistants don't get attached to lawyers.

Finally, there are some things a rat won't do.
 

Great Laws Of America

1.It's illegal to pump gas in New Jersey
(Back to riding my unicycle)

2.In South Carolina, you can't keep a horse in the bathtub
(Your hiding place has been discovered Besse)

3.California's state's laws say pot-bellied pigs and hamsters in
animal shelters must be given the same treatment as cats and
dogs.(I worked 10 years trying to have that law passed.. now all I
need to do is have it enforced)

4.In Georgia, all signs must be written in english
(You are no exception Taco Bell!)

5.In some New Jersey communities, milk is the only item you're
allowed to buy on Sundays
(What, no toothpaste either?)

6.In Massachusetts, the law says you can go to jail if you
challenge or accept a duel -- even if it's never fought.
(Damnit..)

7.In Montana, it's considered a felony if a wife opens her
husbands mail for him
(Whoops)

8.In Arkansas, the government passed a law saying Arkansas must
be pronounced "Akrkansaw"
(Thank the Lord!)
9.On sundays in S. Carolina, you can't buy TVs and radios
(AND RADIOS??!!)

10.In Massachusetts, you can't frighten a pigeon unless it's on
your property
(Good thing I own all of Boston)
 

Lawyer Quips

What is the meaning of sperm being present?
It indicates intercourse.
Male sperm?
That is the only kind I know.
**************

Can you describe the individual?
He was about medium height and had a beard.
Was this a male or female?
***************

How far apart were the vehicles at the time of collision?
***************

Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
By death.
And by whose death was it terminated?
***************

Do you know how far pregnant you are now?
I'll be three months on November 8.
Apparently, then, the date of conception was August 8?
Yes.
What were you doing at that time?
***************

So you were gone until you returned?
***************

You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what it looked
like, but can you describe it?
***************

Have you lived in this town all your life?
Not yet.
***************
 

One day a lawyer and two doctors are sitting in a row on the plane, the lawyer closest to the aisle.

The lawyer decides to take of his shoes and stretch a little. Then he wants a soda, so he asks the two doctors if they would like anything.

"No thanks," said one of the doctors.

"Sure!" said the other one.

So the lawyer went back to get two sodas.

One of the doctorspicks up one of the lawyers shoes and spits in it.

The lawyer sits back down and gives the doctor his soda.

Then the other doctor says, "Now that you think about it, can I have one too?"

So the lawyer goes back to get another soda.

The other doctor picks up his other shoe and spits it that one.

The lawyer comes back and gives him his soda.

The plane lands and the doctors and the lawyer get off the plane and start talking.

"You know," said the lawyer, "we should stop this doctor lawyer business. You know, stop calling each other names, stop spitting in shoes, stop peeing in sodas..."

 

What's the worst thing about our justice system?

You're leaving your fate in the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty!
 

Last Will & Testament

Lawyer, reading client's last will and testament to circle of expectant relatives:

"An so. being of sound mind, I spent every damn cent I had before I died."
 

A prospective juror in a Dallas District Court was surprised by the definition of voluntary manslaughter given to the panel:

"An intentional killing that occurs while the defendant is under the immediate influence of sudden passion arising from an adequate cause, such as when a spouse's mate is found in a 'compromising position.'"

"See, I have a problem with that passion business," responded the jury candidate.

"During my first marriage, I came in and found my husband in bed with my neighbor.

All I did was divorce him.

I had no idea that I could have shot him."

 

After his motion to suppress evidence was denied by the court the attorney spoke up, "Your Honor," he said, "What would you do if I called you a stupid, degenerate, old fool."

The Judge, now also angered, revered, "I would hold you in contempt of court and seek to have you suspended from practicing before this court again!"

"What if I only thought it?" asked the attorney.

"In that case, there is nothing I could do, you have the right to think whatever you may."

"Oh, I see. Then, if it pleases the court, let the record
reflect, I 'think' you're a stupid, degenerate, old fool."
 

Mr. Smith, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce court judge said, " and I've decided to give your wife $275 a week."

"That's very fair, your honor," the husband said. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."
 

'Guilty', said the man.

At this point a man at the back of the court stood up shouting 'You dirty rat!'.

The Judge asked the man to sit down and refrain from making any noise.

The Judge continued '...and also on the 17th September you are accused of killing your son by beating him to death with a hammer, how do you plead'.

'Guilty', said the man.

Again the same man at the back stood up and shouted 'You dirty rotten stinking rat'.

At this point the Judge called the man to the Bench and said 'I have already asked you to be quiet, if you continue with these outbursts, I will have to charge you with contempt of court.

I can understand your feelings, but please tell me what relationship have you to this man.

He replied 'He is my next door neighbor'.

The Judge replied 'I can understand your feelings then, but you must refrain from any comments'.

The man replied 'No, your Honor, you don't understand.

Twice I have asked if I could borrow a hammer, and on both occasions he said he didn't have one'.
 

The local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer.

A local volunteer calls to solicit his donation, saying, "Our research shows that even though your annual income is over a million dollars, you do not give one penny to charity!

Wouldn't you like to give back to your community through The United Way?"

The lawyer thinks for a moment and says: "First, did your research show that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and has huge medical bills far beyond her ability to pay?"

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, "Uh, no."

"Secondly, that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children?"

The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology but is cut off.

"Thirdly, that my sister's husband died in a dreadful traffic accident", the lawyers voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children?"

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says simply, "I had no idea."

The lawyer then says, "Well then... and if I don't give any money to THEM, why should I give any to you?"
 

At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness.

"Isn't it true," he bellowed, "that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?"

The witness stared out the window, as though he hadn't heard the question.

"Isn't it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?" the lawyer repeated.

The witness still did not respond.

Finally, the judge leaned over and said, "Sir, please answer the question."

"Oh," the startled witness said, "I thought he was talking to you."
 

Prosecutor: Did you kill the victim?

Defendant: No, I did not.

Prosecutor: Do you know what the penalties are for perjury?

Defendant: Yes, I do. And they're a hell of a lot better than the penalty for murder.

When a person assists a criminal in breaking the law before the criminal gets arrested, we call him an accomplice.

When a person assists a criminal in breaking the law after the criminal gets arrested, we call him a defense lawyer.
 

A lawyer was on vacation in a small farming town.

While walking through the streets, a car was involved in an accident. As expected a large crowd gathered. 

Going by instinct, the lawyer was eager to get to the injured, but he couldn't get near the car.

Being a clever sort, he started shouting loudly, "Let me through! Let me through! I am the son of the victim."

The crowd made way for him. Lying in front of the car was a donkey.

 

Q: What's the difference between a hooker and a lawyer? 
A: The hooker will stop screwing you when you're dead. 

****************************************************************************

After a laborious two-week criminal trial in a very high profile bank robbery case, the jury finally ended its 14 hours of deliberations and entered the courtroom to deliver its verdict to the judge.

The judge turns to the jury foreman and asks, "Has the jury reached a verdict in this case?"

"Yes we have, your honor," the foreman responded.

"Would you please pass it to me," the judge declared, as he motioned for the bailiff to retrieve the verdict slip from the foreman and deliver it to him.

After the judge reads the verdict himself, he delivers the verdict slip back to his bailiff to be returned to the foreman, and instructs the foreman, "Please read your verdict to the court."

"We find the defendant NOT GUILTY of all four counts of bank robbery," stated the foreman.

The family and friends of the defendant jump for joy at the sound of the "not guilty" verdict, and hug each other as they shout expressions of divine gratitude.

The defendant's attorney turns to his client and asks, "So, what do you think about that?"

The defendant looks around the courtroom slowly with a bewildered look on his face and then turns to his defense attorney and says, "I'm real confused here. Does this mean that I have to give all the money back?"

 

Did you hear about the kid who was pulled over for speeding?

The cop got out of his car and the young man rolled down his window... "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.

The guy replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."
 

LAWYER ISLAND

Two lawyers are stranded on a deserted island, nothing around them for miles and miles but water.

They've been stranded here for quite some time, so they've gotten quite bored with one another.

One of the lawyers takes his daily climb up a tree, hoping to see a ship in the vicinity.

The other lawyer tells him he's crazy and just wasting his time.

But the lawyer proceeds to climb to the top of the tree anyway.

He's up there only a short time before he starts screamong, "Wow! I can't believe my eyes! I don't believe this is true!"

So the lawyer on the ground says, "What do you see? I think you're hallucinating and you should come down right now."

He reluctantly climbs down the tree and proceeds to tell his friend that he saw a naked blonde woman floating face up headed toward their island.

The other lawyer starts to laugh, thinking his friend has surely lost his mind. But within a few minutes, up floats a raft with an unconscious naked blonde woman laying on her back.

The two lawyers stand over her and one says to the other, "Well, you know it's been a long time...do you think we should screw her?"

The other lawyer responds, "Out of what?"
 

"Your Honor, my wife is just being ridiculous.

Most women would love to have a husband who still believes in chivalry and I was only opening the door for her out of chivalry."

"Mr. Smith," replied the judge,

"I am granting the divorce. I cannot believe chivalry was your motivation while driving 65 mph."
 

One evening, after attending the theater, two gentlemen were walking down the avenue when they observed a rather well dressed and attractive young lady walking ahead of them.

One of them turned to the other and remarked, "I'd give $250.00 to spend the night with that woman." Much to their surprise, the young lady overheard the remark, turned around, and replied,"I'll take you up on that offer." She had a neat appearance and a pleasant voice, so after bidding his companion good night, the man accompanied the young lady to her apartment.

The following morning, the man presented her with $125.00 as he prepared to leave. She demanded the rest of the money stating, "If you don't give me the other $125.00, I'll sue you for it." He laughed saying, "I'd like to see you get it on these grounds."

The next day, he was surprised when he received a summons ordering his presence in court as a defendant in a lawsuit. He hurried to his lawyer and explained the details of the case. His lawyer said, "She can't possibly get a judgment against you on such grounds, but it will be interesting to see how her case will be presented."

After the usual preliminaries, the lady's lawyer addressed the court as follows: "Your honor, my client, this lady, is the owner of a piece of property--a garden spot--surrounded by a profuse growth of shrubbery, which property she agreed to rent
to the defendant for a specified length of time for the sum of $250.00. The defendant took possession of the property, used it extensively for the purposes for which it was rented, but upon evacuating the premises, he paid only $125.00, one-half of the
amount agreed upon. The rent was not excessive, since it is restricted property, and we ask judgment be granted against the defendant to assure payment of the balance."

The defendant's lawyer was impressed and amused by the way his opponent had presented the case. His defense, therefore, was somewhat different from the way he originally planned to present it. "Your honor," he said, "My client agrees that the lady has a fine piece of property, that he did rent such property for a time, and a degree of pleasure was derived from the transaction. However, my client found a well on the property around which he placed his own stones, sunk a shaft, and erected a pump, all labor performed personally by him. We claim these improvements
to the property were sufficient to offset the unpaid amount, and that the plaintiff was adequately compensated for the rental of said property. We, therefore, ask that judgment not be granted."

The young lady's lawyer answered thus: "Your honor, my client agrees that the defendant did find a well on her property. However, had defendant not known that the well existed, he would never have rented the property. Also, upon evacuating the
premises, the defendant removed the stones, pulled out the shaft, and took the pump with him. In doing so, he not only dragged the equipment through the shrubbery, but left the hole much larger than it was prior to his occupancy, making the property much less desirable to others. We, therefore, ask that judgment be granted."

In the Judge's decision, he provided for two options: "Pay the 125.00 or have the equipment detached and provided to the plaintiff for damages." The defendant wrote a check immediately.
 

Minnie and Mickey     

Everyone knows that Minnie and Mickey are married.  

Well, lately there marriage has been on the rocks.  So they decided to have a divorce.

 Well, one day in court, Mickey is getting ready for the settlement case and his lawyer comes up to him and says,"Mickey, I'm so sorry to dissapoint you, but we've done all the research we could and Minnie is in no way crazy or insane.

"Mickey was staring at his lawyer with sheer confusion.  

Mickey said to his lawyer, "I didn't say she was crazy...I said she was fucking Goofy!!!"   
 

A prisoner in jail receives a letter from his wife:

"Dear Husband, I have decided to plant some lettuce in the backgarden. When is the best time to plant it?"

The prisoner, knowing that the prison guards read all mail,replied in a letter:"Dear Wife, whatever you do, do not touch the back garden. That is where I hid all the money."

A week or so later, he received another letter from his wife:

"Dear Husband, You wouldn't believe what happened: some men came with shovels to the house, and dug up all the back garden."

The prisoner wrote another letter back:"Dear wife, now is the best time to plant the lettuce."
 

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink
envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts
spraying scent all over them. His curiosity getting  of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing.

The man says: "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"

"But why?" asks the man.

"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.
 

A man was on trial for selling drugs, and a neighbor was called as a witness. The defense attorney asked, "Did you ever get any cocaine or other drugs from the defendant?" "No sir," answered the man.

"Did you ever get any from his wife?" "No sir."

"Did you ever get any from his daughters?" "Uh - excuse me sir," the witness said, "but we're still talking about drugs here, right?"
 

A Lawyer talking to his son.

"Suppose son, that one day a gentleman comes into my office with a simple question.

Upon answering the man's question, I charge him $100.00. He is outraged at the bill for such a simple question but agrees to pay.

The man reaches in his wallet and grabs a hundred dollar bill and thrusts the money into my hand.

Upon his leaving, I notice that the man has, in fact, given me two $100.00 bills."

Now the ethical question, "Do I share that money with my partner?"
 

There was a lawyer and he was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side.

His eyes fluttered open and he said, “You're beautiful!” and then he fell asleep again.

His wife had never heard him say that so she stayed by his side.

A couple minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said “You're cute!”

Well, the wife was dissapointed because instead of “beautiful” it was “cute.”

She said “What happened to ‘beautiful’? His reply was “The drugs are wearing off!”
 

"I have good news and bad news," the defense lawyer says to his client."

"What's the bad news?"

The lawyer says, "Your blood matches the DNA found at the murder scene."

"Dammit!" cries the client. "What's the good news?"

"Well," the lawyer says, "Your cholesterol is down to 140."
 

There were three men at a bar.

One man got drunk and started a fight with the other two men.

The police came and took the drunk guy to jail.

The next day the man went before the judge.

The judge asked the man, “Where do you work?”

The man said, “Here and there.”

The judge asked the man, “What do you do for a living?”

The man said, “This and that.”

The judge then said, “Take him away.”

The man said, “Wait, judge when will I get out?”

The judge said to the man, “Sooner or later.”
 

What's the difference between a lawyer and a prostitute?

Not much, except a prostitute will stop screwing you once you're dead.
 

What's black and brown and looks great on a lawyer?

A Doberman.

******

What is that a lawyer can do that a duck can't?

Stick his bill up his ass.

******

What do lawyers use for birth control?

Their personalities.

******

Why is a degree like a condom?

It's rolled up when you get it, it represents a lot of effort, and it's worthless the next day.
 

An airliner was having engine trouble and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and prepare for and emergency landing.

A few minutes later, the pilot asked the air hostess if everyone was buckled in and ready.

"All ready back here, Captain," came the reply, "except for one lawyer, who is passing out business cards."
******
The lawyer went into the doctor's surgery with a frog on his head.

"That's a nasty looking growth," said the doctor.

"I'll says," said the frog. "It started out as a small pimple on my ass."
 

A man is convicted of murdering a woman.

The man then goes to a lawyer and asks how much it would be to support his case. "Five hundred dollars!"

"Five Hundred dollars? I don't have that much money! Is there anyway you can lower the price?"

"Well," says the lawyer, "I have one glass eye. Tell me which eye is the glass one and I'll support your case for free."

Immediately the man says, "The left eye." "Wow!" goes the lawyer, "How did you know?"

The man then replies, "It's the one with the kind expression."   
 

In a terrible accident at a railroad crossing, a train smashed into a car and pushed it nearly four hundred yards down the track. Though no one was killed, the driver took the train company to court.

At the trial, the engineer insisted that he had given the driver ample warning by waving his lantern back and forth for nearly a minute. He even stood and convincingly demonstrated how he'd done it.

The court believed his story, and the suit was dismissed.

"Congratulations," the lawyer said to the engineer when it was over. "You did superbly under cross-examination."

"Thanks," he said, "but he sure had me worried."

"How's that?" the lawyer asked."

I was afraid he was going to ask if the damned lantern was lit!"   
 

Two attorneys went into a diner and ordered two drinks.

Then they produced sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat.

The owner became quite angry and concerned and proceeded to walk over and ask them, "Jes what the hell to you think your doing?!

You can't eat your own sandwiches in here!"

The attorneys looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders and then exchanged sandwiches.   
 

Two small boys, not yet old enough to be in school, were over heard talking at the zoo one day.

"My name is Billy. What's yours?" asked the first boy.

"Tommy," replied the second.

"My daddy's an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living?" asked Billy.

Tommy replied, "My daddy's a lawyer."

"Honest?" asked Billy.

"No, just the regular kind," replied Tommy.   
 

Legal Advice

Doug had just started his new law practice and was desperate for business, and was happy to be appointed by the court to defend an indigent defendant.
 
The judge ordered Doug, "You are to confer with the defendant in the hallway, and give him the best legal advice you can."

After a time, Doug reentered the courtroom alone.

When the judge asked where the defendant had gone, Doug replied, "You said to give him good advice. I found out that he was guilty as hell, so I told him to split...."
 

What's the difference between a lawyer and a prostitute?

Not much, except a prostitute will stop screwing you once you're dead.

******

What's black and brown and looks great on a lawyer?

A Doberman.

******

What is that a lawyer can do that a duck can't?

Stick his bill up his ass.
 

What do lawyers use for birth control?

Their personalities.

******

Why is a degree like a condom?

It's rolled up when you get it, it represents a lot of effort, and it's worthless the next day.
 

Know the difference between a tick and a lawyer? 
* A tick falls off of you when you die.

If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why should you swerve to avoid hitting him?
* It might be your bicycle.

You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a lawyer. You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do?
* You shoot the lawyer. Twice.

A man walked into a lawyer's office and inquired about the lawyer's rates... 

"$50.00 for three questions", replied the lawyer. 

"Isn't that awfully steep?" asked the man.

"Yes," the lawyer replied, "and what was your third question?" 
 

What's the worst thing about our justice system?

You're leaving your fate in the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty
 

What happens to an attorney when he takes Viagra?

He gets taller.
 

What's black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?

A Doberman pinscher.
 

A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. To his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the laywer was, and greeted him warmly.
Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line, and into a comfortable chair by his desk.

The lawyer said, "I don't mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?"

St. Peter replied, "Well, I've added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old!"
 

Q: What's the difference between a female lawyer and a pitbull?

A: Lipstick.
 

"I have good news and bad news," the defense lawyer says to his client."

"What's the bad news?"

The lawyer says, "Your blood matches the DNA found at the murder scene."

"Dammit!" cries the client. "What's the good news?"

"Well," the lawyer says, "Your cholesterol is down to 140."
 

There was a lawyer and he was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, “You're beautiful!” and then he fell asleep again.

His wife had never heard him say that so she stayed by his side.

A couple minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said “You're cute!”

Well, the wife was dissapointed because instead of “beautiful” it was “cute.”

She said “What happened to ‘beautiful’?

His reply was “The drugs are wearing off!”
 

The Hit and Run Case

A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck passed too close and completely tore the door off of the driver's side. The counselor immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and within minutes a policeman pulled up.
Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter what the body shop did to it.

When the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting and raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief.

"I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else."

"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.

The cop replied, "Don't you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you."

"Ahhh!" screamed the lawyer. "Where's my Rolex!"

 

Subject: jokes - check esp. the last one

These are from a book called Disorder in the Court.

These are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters-who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place. Some of these are excellent.

Q: What is your date of birth?

A: July fifteenth.

Q: What year?

A: Every year.

======

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

======

Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

A: Yes.

Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

A: I forget.

Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?

=====

Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?

A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.

Q: How long has he lived with you?

A: Forty-five years.

=====

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?

A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"

Q: And why did that upset you?

A: My name is Susan.

=====

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?

A: We both do.

Q: Voodoo?

A: We do.

Q: You do?

A: Yes, voodoo.

====

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

====

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?

====

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

====

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

A :Yes.

Q: And what were you doing at that time?

====

Q: She had three children, right?

A: Yes.

Q: How many were boys?

A: None.

Q: Were there any girls?

====

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?

A: By death.

Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

====

Q: Can you describe the individual?

A: He was about medium height and had a beard.

Q: Was this a male, or a female?

====

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

====

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?

A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

====

Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

A: Oral.

====

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

Q:And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?

A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

===

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

====

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

A: No.

Q: Did you check for blood pressure?

A: No.

Q: Did you check for breathing?

A: No.

Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

A: No.

Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

Q: But could the patient have still been alive, never the less?

A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practising law somewhere
 

Defense Lawyer's Good News

"I have good news and bad news," the defense lawyer says to his client."

"What's the bad news?"

The lawyer says, "Your blood matches the DNA found at the murder scene."

"Dammit!" cries the client. "What's the good news?"

"Well," the lawyer says, "Your cholesterol is down to 140."
 

The Stella Awards

In 1994, a New Mexico jury awarded $ 2.9 million U.S. in damages to
81-year-old Stella Liebeck
who suffered third-degree burns to her legs, groin and buttocks after
spilling a cup of McDonald's
coffee on herself. This case inspired an annual award - The "Stella" Award
- for the most frivolous
lawsuit in the U.S. The ones listed below are clear candidates. All these
cases are verging on
the outright ridiculous and yet (in the good old USA) with the right
attorney you could win
anything!

1. January 2000: Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas was awarded $780,000
by a jury of her
peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running
amuck inside a
furniture store. The owners of the store were understandably surprised at
the verdict,
considering the misbehaving little so and so was Ms. Robertson's son.

2. June 1998: A 19 year old Carl Truman of Los Angeles won $74,000 and
medical expenses
when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Mr. Truman
apparently didn't
notice there was someone at the wheel of the car, when he was trying to
steal his neighbor's
hubcaps.

3. October 1998: A Terrence Dickson of Bristol Pennsylvania was leaving a
house he had just
finished robbing by way of the garage. He was not able to get the garage
door to go up,
because the automatic door opener was malfunctioning. He couldn't re-enter
the house
because the door connecting the house and garage locked when he pulled it
shut. The
family was on vacation. Mr. Dickson found himself locked in the garage for
eight days.
He subsisted on a case of Pepsi he found, and a large bag of dry dog food.
Mr. Dickson
sued the homeowner's insurance claiming the situation caused him undue
mental anguish.
The jury agreed to the tune of half a million dollars.

4. October 1999: Jerry Williams of Little Rock Arkansas was awarded $14,500
and medical
expenses after being bitten on the buttocks by his next door neighbor's
beagle. The beagle
was on a chain in it's owner's fenced-in yard, as was Mr. Williams. The
award was less than
sought because the jury felt the dog may have been provoked by Mr. Williams
who, at the
time, was shooting it repeatedly with a pellet gun.

5. May 2000: A Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay Amber Carson of
Lancaster,
Pennsylvania $113,500 after she slipped on soft drink and broke her coccyx.
The beverage
was on the floor because Ms. Carson threw it at her boyfriend 30 seconds
earlier during an
argument.

6. December 1997: Kara Walton of Claymont, Delaware successfully sued the
owner of a
night club in a neighboring city when she fell from the bathroom window to
the floor and
knocked out her two front teeth. This occurred while Ms.Walton was trying
to sneak through
the window in the ladies room to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge. She
was
awarded $12,000 and dental expenses.

7. And just so you know that cooler heads do occasionally prevail: Kenmore
Inc., the makers
of Dorothy Johnson's microwave, were found not liable for the death of Mrs.
Johnson's poodle
after she gave it a bath and attempted to dry it by putting the poor
creature in her microwave for,
"just a few minutes, on low." The case was quickly dismissed.

 

What happens to an attorney when he takes Viagra?

He gets taller.
 

Know the difference between a tick and a lawyer?

* A tick falls off of you when you die.

If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why should you swerve to avoid hitting him?

* It might be your bicycle.

You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a lawyer. You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do?

* You shoot the lawyer. Twice.

A man walked into a lawyer's office and inquired about the lawyer's rates...
"$50.00 for three questions", replied the lawyer.

"Isn't that awfully steep?" asked the man.

"Yes," the lawyer replied, "

and what is your third question?"
 

It was the usual scene in the City's Night Court, the Police had rounded up the usual collection of street walkers and brought them before the Judge; three stood before him, all arrested on the same corner.

He asked the first lady what she had to say for herself.

The woman was irate, "I don't know what all this is about your Honor. I'm a college student doing research for a term paper."

The Judge sighed and said, "Well, Miss, I would have thought you'd done enough research' by now. My computer sez you have two prior convictions. Thirty days and $250 fine."

He then turned to the second lady and requested her to testify.The woman began crying softly and said, "Judge, I am just a housewife out getting a pack of cigarettes for my husband. I have no idea why I was arrested."

This time, the Judge shook his head and said, "Well, young lady, the officer tells me that he saw you hand a stack of bills along with the cigarettes to your 'husband' in his new Cadillac. Thirty days and $250 fine."

He turned to the last of the trio and asked her occupation.The woman said simply, "I'm a hooker."

Refreshed at her honesty, the Judge laughed and said, "How's business?"

She sneered and replied, Terrible Judge, with all these students and housewives around, I can't turn a single trick."
 

When my mother was called for jury duty, she felt confident of her ability to answer the questions asked of prospective jurors.

Since I am an attorney, I had filled her in on what to expect.Asked about the occupations of family members,

Mom answered, "My son is a lawyer."

As a follow-up, she was asked if she had ever used the services of an attorney.

"Only to mow my lawn," she said.
 

A New Yorker was forced to take a day off from work to appear for a minor traffic summons.

He grew increasingly restless as he waited hour after endless hour for his case to be heard.

When his name was called late in the afternoon, he stood before the judge, only to hear that court would be adjourned for the rest of the afternoon and he would have to return the next day.

"What for?!?!?" he snapped at the judge.

His honor, equally irked by a tedious day and sharp query, roared out loud: "Twenty dollars contempt of court! That's why!"

Then, noticing the man checking his wallet, the judge relented:"That's all right. You don't have to pay now."

The young man replied,"I know. But I'm just seeing if I have enough for two more words."
 

A lawyer died and arrived at the Pearly Gates.

To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter.

To his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the lawyer was, and greeted him warmly.

Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line, and into a comfortable chair by his desk.

The lawyer said, "I don't mind all this attention, but what makes my so special?"

St. Peter replied, "Well, I've added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculations you must be about 193 years old!"
 

"Your Honor, I want to bring to your attention how unfair it is for my client to be accused of theft.

He arrived in New York City a week ago and barely knows his way around. What's more, he only speaks a few words of English."

The Judge looked at the defendant and asked, "How much English can you speak?"

The defendant looked up and said, "Give me your wallet!"
 

Carlson was charged with stealing a Mercedes Benz, and after a long trial, the jury acquitted him.

Later that day Carlson came back to the judge who had presided at the hearing.

"Your honor," he said, "I wanna get out a warrant for that dirty lawyer of mine."

"Why?" asked the judge. "He won your acquittal.

What do you want to have him arrested for?"

"Well, your honor," replied Carlson, "I didn't have the money to pay his fee, so he went and took the car I stole."
 

A guy is put before the judge's bench because he is on trial for paying a prostitute for sex.

"How do you plead?" asks the judge, to the defendant.

"Not Guilty, your honor." Showing him a videotape of the alleged act, the prosecutor responds, "How can you possibly convince the court of your innocence, if we have both the sex act, plus your subsequent payment to the alleged prostitute right here on tape?"

"Easy," says the defendant, "I'll admit to the court that although I wasn't engaged in an act of prostitution, I was committing another 'heinous' crime, gambling."

"Gambling?" responds the prosecutor, "How so?"

"Well you see," answers the defendant, "I went up to the young lady earlier that night as she was working in a topless bar and said to her, 'I'll bet you $200 that you don't get to have sex with me tonight'.

That videotape is just footage of me losing the bet!"
 

A lawyer, his secretary, and one of the office paralegals are walking through the park during lunch.

They see and old bottle in the bushes, and when one of them picks it up and brushes the dirt off of it a genie appears.

The genie says "Usually I grant three wishes when I'm released. Since there are three of you, I'll grant one wish each."

He asks the secretary what she wants. She says "I want to be married to a super rich sugar daddy in Hawaii." POOF! She disappears.

The genie asks the paralegal what he wants. The paralegal says "I want to own my own tropical island populated by beautiful women." POOF! He, too, disappears.

Then the genie asks the lawyer what he wants. The lawyer says "I want hose two back in the office ready to work right after lunch!"

What's the difference between a catfish and a lawyer?

One's a bottom-crawling scum sucker and the other's just a fish.
 

A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender, "Do you serve lawyers here?".

"Sure do," replied the bartender.

"Good," said the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my 'gator."
 

What's the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline?

You take off your shoes to jump on a trampoline. .......
 

People Really Said These Things In Court

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

Q: This myasthenia gravis - does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?

Q: All your responses must be oral, okay? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.

Q: How old is your son - the one living with you.
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?

Q: Did he kill you?

Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?

Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?

Q: How many times have you committed suicide?

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?

Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

Q: Mr. Slattery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?
A: I went to Europe, sir.
Q: And you took your new wife?

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
 

The Devil said to the lawyer, "I have a proposition for you. You can win every case you try, for the rest of your life. Your clients will adore you, your colleagues will stand in awe of you, and you will make embarrassing sums of money.

All I want in exchange is your soul, your wife's soul, your children's souls, the souls of your parents, grandparents, and parents-in-law, and the souls of all of your friends and law partners."

The lawyer thought about this for a moment, then asked,

"So, what's the catch?"
 

A man was chosen for jury duty who very much wanted to be dismissed from serving. He was trying everyexcuse in the world trying to get out of it but none of them worked.

On the day of the trial he decided to give it one moreshot. As the trial was about to begin he asked if he could approach the bench.

"Your Honor," he said, " I must be excused from this trial because I am prejudiced against the defendant. I took one look at the man in the Grey suit with those beady eyes and that dishonest face and I said, "He's a crook! He's guilty, guilty, guilty." So your Honor, I could not possibly stay on this jury!"

With a tired annoyance the judge replied, "Get back in the jury box. That man is his lawyer."
 

Angelina and Giuseppe were standing before the judge in divorce court.

Angelina says: "Your honor, we benna marry 25 years and Giuseppe, he always pick his nose ana when we maka love he's never letta me on top, I just canna taka
dis anymore."

The judge listens solemnly then addresses Giluseppe."Giuseppe, isa dis true? You always a picka your nose and you never let Angelina on top? What you gotta say fora yourself."

Giuseppe says, "Well your honor, itsa true. I ,picka my nose a lot and, yeah, Angelina, I tella her she'sa gotta be on da bottom. It all go'sa back to whena' I'ma young boy. My poppa, he'sa very smarta man. I always follow ev'ryting he say. My poppa one day he says, "Giuseppe, I gotta tella you da two main secrets ofa hava successful life.

Number one, you always keppa' your nose clean.

Ana' number two, don't fuck up."
 

Lawyer's Affair

For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief vacations at this country inn. The last time he'd finally managed an affair with the innkeeper's daughter.

Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap!

"Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?" he cried. "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!"

"Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talkin' and talkin' and decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer."

A man walks into an upscale Lawyer's office and requests an appointment. After a lengthy wait, he is summoned to the barrister's office."Sir, let me see if I understand your case correctly." says the lawyer. "Apparently you've been arrested for seeking carnal knowledge of a...ah...goat in the middle of the park?"

"Yessir," replies the man a bit bashfully.

"Well, fortunately I can help you. My specialty is trial law, and I can guarentee that you'll be found completely innocent, but my fee is $300 an hour, plus expenses."

"I can't afford that!" protested the man.

"Well, then let me refer you to a friend of mine, perhaps he can help."

So the man walks off, in search of the second lawyer's office. He finds it eventually in a somewhat less posh section of town.

"So you were arrested for having sex with a goat in the park eh?" asks the lawyer. "Ok, I can help. My specialty is law research. My paralegals and I can find any previous cases in this area, and guarentee that you'll be found innocent. My fee's are only $150 an hour, plus expenses."

"Thats just too much!" replied the man.

"Well, let me send you on to a comrade of mine, if he can't help you , no one can."

So once again the man finds himself looking for a lawyer, and at long last finds the run-down office in "the bad part of town."

"So they caught you doin a goat in the park eh? No problem. My specialty is jury selection. Aint no way they'll put you away when we get our case presented "

"But how much is it gonna cost me?" The man asked doubtfully

"Only $50 for the whole thing."

"Thats great!" he replied, "The trial is monday"

So the day of the trial arrives, and we find the arresting officer on the stand under cross-examination.

"So Officer O'leary, explain to the court exactly what happened on the night you arrested the defendant" asked the prosecutor.

"Well, I was walkin by and saw Mr. Smith there in...uh...Intimate Contact with that Goat. Then, when they were done, the goat turned around and proceeded to lick his testicles!"

Then Juror No. three leans over the juror No. four and whispers, "You know, a good goat'll do that."
 

A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco's Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed, life-sized bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner what it costs.

"Twelve dollars for the rat, sir," says the shop owner, "and a thousand dollars more for the story behind it."

"You can keep the story, old man," he replies, "but I'll take the rat."

The transaction complete, the tourist leaves the store with the bronze rat under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of the store, two live rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into step behind him. Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every time he passes another sewer drain, more rats come out and follow him.

By the time he's walked two blocks, at least a hundred rats are at his heels, and people begin to point and shout. He walks even faster, and soon breaks into a trot as multitudes of rats swarm from sewers, basements, vacant lots, and abandoned cars. Rats by the thousands are at his heels, and as he sees the waterfront at the bottom of the hill, he panics and starts to run full tilt. No matter how fast he runs, the rats keep up, squealing hideously, now not just thousands but millions, so that by the time he comes rushing up to the water's edge a trail of rats twelve city blocks long is behind him. Making a mighty leap, he jumps up onto a light post, grasping it with one arm while he hurls the bronze rat into San Francisco Bay with the other, as far as he can heave it.

Pulling his legs up and clinging to the light post, he watches in amazement as the seething tide of rats surges over the breakwater into the sea, where they drown.

Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antique shop.

"Ah, so you've come back for the rest of the story," says the owner.

"No," says the tourist, "but I was wondering if you have any bronze lawyers!"
 

A man went to his lawyer and told him, "My neighbor owes me $500 and he doesn't want to pay up. What should I do?"

"Do you have any proof?" asked the lawyer.

"Nope," replied the man.

"Okay, then write him a letter asking him for the $1000 he owed you," said the lawyer.

"But it's only $500," replied the man.

"Precisely. That's what he will reply and we will have the proof we need to nail him."

 

A man appears before a judge one day, asking for a divorce. The judge quietly reviews some papers and then says, "Please tell me why you are seeking a divorce."

"Because," the man says, "I live in a two-story house."

The Judge replies, "What kind of a reason is that?What is the big deal about a two-story house?"

The man answers, "Well Judge, one story is "I have aheadache" and the other story is "It's that time of the month."
 

Q: What's the difference between a dead skunk lying in the road and a dead lawyer lying in the road?

A: There are skid marks in front of the skunk.
 

A man was brought before the judge and charged with necrophilia. The judge told him, "In 20 years on the bench, I've never heard such a disgusting, immoral thing. Just give me one good reason why I shouldn't lock you up and throw away the key!

"The man replied, "I'll give you THREE good reasons;

No. 1, It's none of your damn business.

No. 2, She was my wife.

No. 3 I didn't KNOW she was dead, she ALWAYS acted that way!"

 

LAW PUNS

Lawyers wear law suits.

Next time you give a layer a drink, give him Just-ice.

A lawyer using a facismile machine must be sure to get his fax straight.

A lawyer for a church did some cross-examining.

Does a lawyer representing an angry cow find just cause for sour milk in a dairy case.

Dectectives like to have a brief case.

A detective who went to investigate a burned down post office figured it must be blackmail.

There are many judges who would like to acquit smoking.

Old judges never die, they just slur their sentences.

A police dog is often the scenter of a drug arrest.

If there is one person you don't want to interrupt in the middle of a sentence, it's a judge.
 

The judge came home and found his wife in bed with his very best friend.

"Hey, what do you think you're doing?"

"See," the wife said to the man beside her, "I told you he was stupid."


 

A lawyer's dog, running around town unleashed, heads for a butcher shop and steals a roast.

The butcher goes to the lawyer's office and asks, "if a dog running
unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?"

The lawyer answers, "Absolutely."

"Then you owe me $8.50. Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me today."

The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $8.50.

The butcher, having a feeling of satisfaction, leaves.

Three days later, the butcher finds a bill from the lawyer: $100 due for a consultation.

"You seem like an intelligent, honest man who wouldn't lie to the court,"
the lawyer said sarcastically to the witness.

If I wasn't under oath I'd return the compliment," said the witness.
 

A prosecutor is questioning a man on trial for murder.

The attorney says, "Did you kill the victim?"

The defendant says, "No, I did not."

The lawyer closes in on the suspect and asks, "Do you know what the penalties are for perjury?"

"Yes, I do," the accused man replies. "And they're a hell of a lot better than the penalty for murder."
 

SUPREME COURT RULES EARNINGS SHOULD BE PROTECTED AS "ART"

Recognition of Pro-Formalist Movement Gets WorldCom, Andersen Off Hook

Washington, D.C.

(SatireWire.com) - In a surprise decision that exonerates dozens of major companies, the U.S. Supreme Court today ruled that corporate earnings statements should be protected as works of art,as they
"create something from nothing."

"One plus one is two. That is math. That is science. But as we have seen, earnings and revenues are abstract and original concepts, ideas not bound by physical constraints or coarse realities, and must therefore be considered art," the Court wrote in its 7-2 decision.

The impact of the ruling was widespread. Investigations into hundreds of firms were canceled, and collectors began snatching up original balance sheets, audits, and P&L statements from WorldCom, Enron, and Global Crossing. Meanwhile, auditing firms such as Arthur Andersen (now Art by Andersen) were reclassified as art critics, whose opinions are no longer liable.

"Before we had to go in and decide, 'Is it right, or is it wrong?'" said KPMG spokesman Dan Fischer. "Now we must only decide, 'Is it art?'"

In Congress, all further hearings into irregularities were abandoned in favor of an abstract accounting lecture given by Scott Sullivan, former Chief Financial Artist of WorldCom, which had been charged with fraud for improperly accounting for $3.85 billion.

"Art should reflect life, so what I was really trying to accomplish with this third quarter report was acknowledge that life is an illusion," said Sullivan, explaining his acclaimed work, "10Q for the Period Ending 9/30/01."

U.S. Rep. Billy Tauzin of Louisiana, however, was forced to apologize, admitting he could only see a lie.

"Yes, well, a man with a concretized view of the world may only be able to see numbers that 'Don't add up,'" said a haughty Sullivan.
"But someone whose perceptions are not always chained to reality - a stock analyst, say - may see numbers that, like the human spirit, aspire to be greater than they are."

Several Sullivan pieces are now part of a new show at New York's Museum of Modern Art entitled, "Shadows & Spreadsheets: The Origins of Pro-Formalism.

Robert Weidlin, an SEC investigator and avid collector, was among the first to peruse the Enron exhibit, which takes up an entire wing of the museum. "You look at these works, and you say 'Is this a profit, or a loss? Is this firm a subsidiary, or a holding company?'" said Walden. "I have stood in front of this one balance sheet for hours, and each moment I come away with something different."

Like other patrons, Weidlin said he didn't know whether to be impressed or outraged, a reaction that pleased Andrew Fastow, the former Enron CFA who is a leading proponent of the Trompe L'Shareholder style.

"An artist should not be afraid to be shocking," said Fastow. "As did the Modernists, we should fearlessly depart from tradition and embrace the use of innovative forms of expression. Like, say,
'Special Purpose Entities' and 'Pooling of Interests.'"

Sullivan, meanwhile, said the was influenced by the Flemish Masters, particularly Lernout & Hauspie, the Belgian speech recognition software company that collapsed last year after an audit discovered the firm had cooked its books in 1998, 1999, and 2000.

"Lernout & Hauspie simply invented sales figures, just willed them out of thin air and onto the paper," he said. "Me? I must live with a spreadsheet a long time before I begin to work it. You must be patient and wait until the numbers reveal themselves to you."

And what about the reaction to his work? "I realize people are angry, people are hurt. But I cannot concern myself with that," he said. "As with all true artists, I don't expect to be understood during my lifetime."

(The MOMA exhibit runs through Sept. 3. Admission is $8, excluding a one-time write down of deferred stock compensation and other costs associated with the carrying value of inventory.)
 

A defendant approaches the judge in city court.

The judge looks at him closely. "I know you, don't I?" he asks.

"Uh, yes," the prisoner says hesitantly.

The judge keeps staring at the fellow, trying to place him. Finally he says, "All right, tell me. How do I know you?"

"Judge, do I have to tell you?" the man asks.

"Of course," says the judge. "You might be obstructing justice if you don't tell me."

"OK," the man says. "I was your bookie."
 

A young boy walked up to his father and asked, "Dad, does a lawyer ever tell the truth?"

The father thought for a moment. "Yes, son. Sometimes a lawyer will do anything to win a case."

 

Jill was appearing in court to face a public disorder charge.

When Jill heard her name was called, she brushed her hair, checked her make-up, took a deep breath, and walked into the court and took to the witness stand. The charges were read out, and she was asked how she pleaded.

"Not guilty," Jill answered emphatically.

The prosecutor then approached her and said: "Is it true that on the 11th of December, last year, you committed an act of public indecency with a one-legged dwarf, who was waving a Rebel Flag, on the roof of a car, while traveling at over 100 mph through thecenter of New York, in a blizzard?"

Jill composed herself, looked straight at the prosecutor and calmly said: "I'm not sure... What was the date again?"
 

A man who had been caught embezzling millions from his employer went to a lawyer seeking defense.

He didn't want to go to jail. But the lawyer told him, "Don't worry. You'll never have to go to jail with all that money.

And the lawyer was right. When the man was sent to prison, he didn't have a dime.

 

Drug Trial...

A man was on trial for selling drugs, and a neighbor was called as
a witness.

The defense attorney asked, "Did you ever get any cocaine or other
drugs from the defendant?"

"No, sir," answered the man.

"Did you ever get any from his wife?"

"No, sir."

"Did you ever get any from his daughters?"

"Uh... excuse me, sir," the witness said, "but we're still talking
about drugs here, right?"
 

QUESTION: Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers
and their clients?

ANSWER: To prevent clients from being billed twice for what is
essentially the same service.
 

After a lengthy conference with the estranged husband, the lawyer reported to his client: "Jill, I have succeeded in making a settlement with your husband that is eminently fair to both of you."

"Fair to both!" exploded Jill. "I could have done that myself. What do you think I hired a lawyer for?"

 

At a clearance sale, the wife of a federal district court judge found a green tie that was a perfect match for one of her husband's sports jackets.

Soon after, while the couple was vacationing at a resort complex to get his mind off a rather complicated cocaine conspiracy case, he noticed a small, round disc sewn into the design of the tie.

The judge showed it to a local FBI agent, who was equally suspicious that it might be a 'bug' planted by the conspiracy defendants. The agent sent the device to FBI headquarters In Washington, DC for analysis.

Two weeks later, the judge phoned the Washington office to learn the results of their tests. "We're not sure where the disc came from," the FBI told him, "but we discovered that when you press it, it plays 'Jingle Bells.'

 

What's the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline? You take off your shoes to jump on a trampoline.

REVISED JUDICIAL OATH:

"I solemnly swear to tell the truth as I know it, the whole truth as I believe it to be, and nothing but what I think you need to know!"

Lets Be Honest

Two lawyers were walking along negotiating a case.

"Look," said one to the other, "let’s be honest with each other."

"Okay, you first," replied the other.

That was the end of the discussion.
 

In a divorce case, the local gigolo was brought
to the stand, accused of sleeping with the
plaintiff's wife.

The judge asked, "This man claims that you seduced his wife. Are you guilty? "

To which the accused replied, "I don't know, I haven't heard all the evidence yet."

 

A lawyer had successfully handled a difficult law case for a wealthy friend. Following the happy outcome of the case, the friend and client called on the lawyer, expressed his appreciation of his work and handed him a handsome Moroccan leather wallet.

The lawyer looked at the wallet in astonishment and handed it back with a sharp reminder that a wallet could not possible compensate him for his services."My fee for that work,"acidly snapped the attorney,"is five hundred dollars."

The client opened the wallet,removed a one-thousand dollar bill,replaced it with a five-hundred dollar bill and handed it back to the lawyer with a smile.

A lawyer sent an overdue bill to a client. A note was attached that stated: "This bill is one year old."

By return mail the lawyer had his bill back. To it was attached a card which read: "Happy Birthday."

The judge looked at the defendant and yelled, "I thought I told you last time that I never wanted to see you here again!"

"Your Honor," replied the criminal. "That's what I kept trying to tell the police, but they just wouldn't listen."

 

ASSAULT AND BATTERY

The defendant, who was on trial for assault and battery, claimed he barely pushed the victim. The prosecuting attorney, treating this story with derision, aggressively cross-examined the defendant. Finally, the prosecutor invited the defendant to step down from the witness box and demonstrate with the prosecutor how hard he had pushed the victim.

Secretly, the prosecutor assumed that, reacting to the hostility of the cross-examination, the accused would push him fairly hard, thereby guaranteeing his conviction.

The defendant no sooner stepped off the witness stand when he started punching and battering the prosecutor. Finally, after he had given him a righteous thrashing, he turned to the jury.

"I pushed the victim in this case about 1/20th that hard."

The jury unanimously acquitted him.

 

A purse snatcher was on trial and the defendant was stating what had taken place.

"Yes, that's him," she said. "I saw him clear as day. I would remember his face anywhere!"

At that point, the defendant yelled out…"You didn't even see my face, lady. I was wearing a mask!"

 

Q: Was that the same nose you broke as a child?

Q: Now, doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn't know anything about it until the next morning?

Q: What happened then?
A: He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me."
Q: Did he kill you?

Q: Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?

Q: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?

Q: Were you alone or by yourself?

Q: What is the meaning of sperm being present?
A: It indicates intercourse.
Q: Male sperm?
A: That is the only kind I know.

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male or female?

Q: How long have you been a French Canadian?

Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of collision?

Q: Mr. Clark, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?
A: I went to Europe, sir.
Q: And did you take your new wife?

Q: Do you have any children or anything of that kind?

Q: I show you Exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture.
A: That's me.
Q: Were you present when that picture was taken?

Q: Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?

Q: Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are now?
A: I'll be three months on November 8.
Q: Apparently, then, the date of conception was August 8?
A: Yes.
Q: What were you doing at that time?

Q: Mrs. Jones, do you believe you are emotionally stable?
A: I used to be.
Q: How many times have you committed suicide?

Q: So you were gone until you returned?

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there girls?

Q: You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what it looked like, but can you describe it?

Q: You say that the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

Q: What device do you have in your laboratory to test alcohol content?
A: I have a dual column gas chromatograph, Hewlett-Packard 5710A with flame ionization detectors.
Judge: Can you get that on mag wheels?
A: Only on the floor models.

Q: Have you lived in this town all your life?
A: Not yet.

Q: All you responses must be oral, ok? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
A: Yes, I have been since early childhood.

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

Q: Do you recall approximately the time that you examined the body of Mr. Brown?
A: It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Brown was dead at the time, is that correct?
A: No. He was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy!
 

Wife: I want to know if I have grounds for a divorce.

Lawyer: Are you married?

Wife: Yes, of course.

Lawyer: Then you have grounds.
 

PEERS

Before a burglary trial, the judge explained to the defendant, "You can let me try your case, or you can choose to have a jury of your peers."

The man thought for a moment. "What are peers?" he asked.

"They’re people just like you ' your equals."

"What the hell are you thinking about?" snapped the defendant. "I don’t want to be tried by a bunch of damn thieves."

 

"Your honor, " explained the young man, "I'd like to get married, please."

"All right, what is your age?"

"I'm 22, sir."

"And the age of the bride?"

"She's 15, sir."

"15? That's too young! Marrying you would be against the law!"

"I see, " said the young man. "Could you try explaining that to the fella next to her with the shotgun?"

 

A millionaire informs his attorney, "I want a stipulation in my
will that my wife is to inherit everything, but only if she
remarries within six months of my death."

"Why such an odd stipulation?" asks the attorney.

"Because," he says, "I want someone to be sorry I died."

Rated G Lawyer in Love

Rated G

Rated G

The Lawyer and the Banker

Rated G

Justice Prevailed

Rated G

An Honest Mistake

A minister and lawyer were chatting at a party:

Rated PG

Top 10 Things That Sound Dirty In Law But Aren't

Rated PG

The Lawyer and the Banker

Rated G

I just managed to settle an account!

Rated G

Rated G Lorraine

Rated PG Sue Bee

Jury Selection

Rated G

Rated G

Rated G

The Law of Common Sense

Rated G Lorraine

Rated G Sue Bee

Sue Bee

Rated PG Baby Blues

Rated G

Rated G Lorraine

Rated G

Lawyer:

Rated G

Rated G Lorraine

Rated G

Rated G Lorraine

Rated G Michele

Rated G

Rated G

A man was brought up on charges of bigamy.

Rated G LAWS - Nancy

Rated G

Rated G

Rated G : Michele

Rated G

THE WALK

Rated G Michele

Rated G Lorraine

Rated G

Rated G Michele

Rated G

Rated G Sue Bee

Rated G

Rated G Michele

Rated G Michele

Rated G

Rated G

Rated X or G Depends on How You Think LAS in CT

TOP TEN THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY, BUT IN A LAW FIRM AREN'T:

Rated G popo

Rated G Michele

Rated G Michele

Rated G Sue Bee

Rated G Sue Bee

Rated G

Rated G

RATED G Michele

Rated G

Question:

Rated PG Hank in Simi

Know any lawyers that these may remind you of?

Rated G

Rated G

Rated G

Rated G Sue Bee

Rated G Michele

Rated G

Rated G

Rated G

Rated G

Rated G Michele

Rated G

Rated G

Things not to say to a judge...

Rated PG

Rated G

Question:

Rated G Lorraine

QUESTION:

Rated G

Rated G

Rated G

Rated G Gerry

Rated G

Rated PG

Rated G Michele

Rated G

Rated G

Rated G

Rated G

Rated G

Rated G

Rated G

Rated G

Rated G

Equal Justice Under the Law

Rated G

Rated G

Rated G

Rated G Betsy

Rated G

Rated G

Rated G Andrew

Rated G

Rated G B.B.

TOP TEN REASONS LAWYERS SECRETLY WANT to BE JUDGES

Rated PG

Rated G B.B.

An old man was a witness in a burglary case.

Rated G B.B.


You Know You Need A New Lawyer When...

Rated G

Rated G B.B.

Rated G B.B.

Rated G cutie pa2ti

Rated G B.B.

Rated G

Question?

Rated G Chris

Rated G

Rated G

Rated G

Rated G

Rated G Lorraine

Rated G Marty

Rated G Lorraine

Rated G cutie pa2ti

PROSECUTOR:

Rated G Marty

Rated G

Rated G Ed in QAurora, Ont.

Rated G George

Rated G Lorraine

Rated G B.B.

Rated G Lorraine

Rated PG

Subject: NY Lawyer Versus Texas Sheriff's Deputy

Rated G Lorraine

Rated G Ed In Aurora, Ont.

In case anyone wants to go lawyer-hunting with heavy artillery after reading this, get in line . . .

STELLA AWARDS

Rated G Dave in Aurora, Ont.

BEST LAWYER STORY OF THE YEAR, DECADE AND PROBABLY THE CENTURY

Rated G

Lawyer on Vacation

Rated G

A Day in Court

Rated PG

Signs That You Might Need A New Lawyer

Rated G cutie pa2ti

Rated G cutie pa2ti

Rated G cutie pa2ti

Rated G Lorraine

Rated g Lorraine

Rated PG

An Observation by Sandra Day O'Connor

It has been 2960 days since the last post.