This is topic The Patriotic IRS! in forum Bob Maar's Joke-A-Thon at Film-Tech Forum ARCHIVE.
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Posted by Will Kutler (Member # 770) on 06-28-2001, 06:40 PM:
Rated RUNITED STATES GOVERNMENT INTERNAL REVENUE SERVICE
NOTICE OF INCREASE IN TAX PAYMENT EFFECTIVE 1 AUGUST, 1970
TO ALL MALE TAXPAYERS
GENTLEMAN:
the only thing the Internal Revenue Service has not yet taxed is your Pecker. Mainly because 98% of the time, your Pecker is out of work and the other 2% it is in the hole. Moreover, it has two dependents, who are both nuts.
Accordingly, beginning 1 August, 1970, your Pecker will be taxed according to it's size, using the Pecker-Checker scale listed below to determine your category. Please insert this information on page #2, Section F, Line 3 of your stanard #1040 Income Tax form.
Very truly yours
Spiro Agnew
Vice President
United States of America
10 to 12 inches..........Luxury Tax..........$50.00
8 to 10 inches..........Pole Tax............$25.00
6 to 8 inches..........Privilege Tax.......$15.00
4 to 6 inches..........Nuisance Tax........$ 5.00
NOTE: Anyone under four inches is eligible for a refund.
Please do not request extensions.
Males exceeding 12 inches should file under Capital Gains.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-14-2002, 01:39 PM:
Rated G 
IRS AgentA new arrival, about to enter hospital, saw two white coated doctors searching through the flower beds.
"Excuse me," he said. "Have you lost something?"
"No," replied one of the doctors. "We're doing a heart transplant for an income-tax inspector and want to find a suitable stone." 
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-14-2002, 01:45 PM:
Rated G
I want to join a violent, armed group with no regard for the law... but the IRS isn't hiring.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-14-2002, 01:50 PM:
Rated G IRS
Dear Sirs:
I am responding to your letter denying the deduction for two of the three dependents I claimed on my 2001 Federal Tax return.
Thank you. I have questioned whether these are my children or not for years. They are evil and expensive.
It's only fair that since they are minors and not my responsibility that the government (who evidently is taxing me more to care for these waifs) knows something about them and what to expect over the next year. You may apply next year to reassign them to me and reinstate the deduction.
This year they are yours!
The oldest, Kristen, is now 17. She is brilliant. Ask her! I suggest you put her to work in your office where she can answer people's questions about their returns. While she has no formal training, it has not seemed to hamper her knowledge of any other subject you can name. Taxes should be a breeze; Next year she is going to college. I think it's wonderful that you will now be responsible for that little expense. While you mull that over keep in mind that she has a truck. It doesn't run at the moment so you have the immediate decision of appropriating some Department of Defense funds to fix the vehicle or getting up early to drive her to school. Kristen also has a boyfriend. Oh joy. While she possesses all of the wisdom of the universe, her alleged mother and I have felt it best to occasionally remind her of the virtues of abstinence, and in the face of overwhelming passion, safe sex. This is always uncomfortable and I am quite relieved you will be handling this in the future. May I suggest that you reinstate Joycelyn Elders, who had a rather good handle on the problem.
Patrick is 14. I've had my suspicions about this one. His eyes are a little close together for normal people. He may be a tax examiner himself one day if you do not incarcerate him first. In February I was awakened at three in the morning by a police officer who was bringing Pat home. He and his friends were TP'ing houses. In the future would you like him delivered to the local IRS office or to Ogden, UT? Kids at 14 will do almost anything on a dare. His hair is purple. Permanent dye, temporary dye, what's the big deal? Learn to deal with it. You'll have plenty of time as he is sitting out a few days of school after instigating a food fight. I'll take care of filing your phone number with the vice principal. Oh yes, he and all of his friends have raging hormones. This is the house of testosterone and it will be much more peaceful when he lives in your home. DO NOT leave any of them unsupervised with girls, explosives, inflammables, inflatables, vehicles, or telephones. (I'm sure that you will find telephones a source of unimaginable amusement, and be sure to lock out the 900 and 976 numbers!)
Heather is an alien. She slid through a time warp and appeared quite by magic one year. I'm sure this one is yours. She is 10 going on 21. She came from a bad trip in the sixties. She wears tie-dyed clothes, beads, sandals, and hair that looks like Tiny Tim's. Fortunately you will be raising my taxes to help offset the pinch of her remedial reading courses. Hooked On Phonics is expensive so the schools dropped it. Good news! You can buy it yourself for half the amount of the deduction that you are denying! It's quite obvious that we were terrible parents (ask the other two) so they have helped raise this one to a new level of terror. She cannot speak English. Most people under twenty understand the curious patois she fashioned out of valley girls/boys in the hood/reggae/ yuppie/ political doublespeak. I don't. The school sends her to a speech pathologist who has her roll her R's. It added a refreshing Mexican/Irish touch to her voice. She wears hats backwards, pants baggy and wants one of her ears pierced four more times. There is a fascination with tattoos that worries me but I am sure that you can handle it. Bring a truck when you come to get her, as she sort of "nests" in her room and I think that it would be easier to move the entire thing than find out what it is really made of.
You denied two of the three exemptions so it is only fair you get to pick which two you will take. I prefer that you take the youngest, I still go bankrupt with Kristen's college but then I am free! If you take the two oldest then I still have time for counseling before Heather becomes a teenager. If you take the two girls then I won't feel so bad about putting Patrick in a military academy. Please let me know of your decision as soon as possible as I have already increased the withholding on my W-4 to cover the $395 in additional tax and to make a down payment on an airplane.
Yours Truly,
Bob
Posted by Paul Mayer (Member # 355) on 11-18-2002, 09:03 PM:
Rated PG ![[Smile]](smile.gif)
A man has spent many days crossing the desert without water. His camel dies of thirst. He's crawling through the sands, certain that he has breathed his last, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him. He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old brief case. He opens it and out pops a genie.
But this is no ordinary genie. He is wearing a IRS ID badge and a dull gray suit. There's a calculator in his pocket. He has a pencil tucked behind one ear.
"Well kid," says the genie. "You know how it works. You have three wishes."
"I'm not falling for this." Says the man. "I'm not going to trust an IRS auditor."
"What do you have to lose!? You've got no transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyway!"
The man thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right. "OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plentiful food and drink."
***POOF***
The man finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen. And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.
"OK kid, what's your second wish?"
"My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams."
***POOF***
The man finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.
"OK kid, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"
After thinking for a few minutes, the man says "I wish that no matter where I go beautiful women will want and need me."
***POOF***
He is turned into a tampon.
The moral of the story: If the government offers you anything, there's going to be a string attached.
Posted by Daryl C. W. O'Shea (Member # 1303) on 03-25-2003, 04:06 AM:
Rated G
Dad walks into a market with his young son.
The kid is holding a quarter.
Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face.
The dad realizes the boy has swallowed the quarter and starts panicking, shouting for help.
A well dressed, attractive, but serious looking woman in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar in the market reading her newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee.
At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down on the saucer, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the market.
Reaching the boy, the woman carefully takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze, gently at first and then ever more firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the quarter, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand. Releasing the boy, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no lasting ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"
"No," the woman replies, "I work for Revenue Canada".
Posted by Paul Mayer (Member # 355) on 03-25-2003, 12:40 PM:
My favorite quote from Robert Heinlein's The Notebooks of Lazarus Long:
"Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors--and miss."
Posted by System Notices (Member # 2357) on 08-29-2005, 06:51 PM:
It has been 888 days since the last post.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 08-29-2005, 06:51 PM:
Rated G Tony In Atlanta
A man walks into a restaurant with his pet alligator under his arm.
"Do you serve tax collectors?", he asks the barman.
"Of course", says the barman.
"Well," replies the man, "I'll have a beer, and my alligator will have a tax collector. ![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 08-29-2005, 06:54 PM:
Rated G James
"I want to join a violent, armed group with no regard for the law... but the IRS isn't hiring."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-26-2006, 04:24 AM:
Rated G
Thought for the day:
As income tax time approaches, did you ever notice:
When you put the two words "The" and "IRS" together it spells
"THEIRS"?
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-02-2006, 09:44 AM:
Rated G B.B.
They call it a tax return...as if the money you pay was going to make a round trip.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-03-2006, 09:51 AM:
Rated G Gerry
The reason that income tax is the fairest tax of all is that it gives every individual an even chance at poverty.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-21-2006, 08:42 AM:
Rated G B.B.
When filling out my income-tax form, can I claim the government as a dependent?
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-19-2006, 07:56 AM:
Rated G B.B.
An IRS Tax Assessor came one day to a poor Christian to determine the amount of taxes he would have to pay. The following conversation took place:
"What property do you possess?" asked the assessor.
"I am a very wealthy man," replied the Christian.
"List your possessions, please," the assessor instructed.
The Christian said:
"First, I have everlasting life, John 3:16
Second, I have a mansion in heaven, John 14:2
Third, I have peace that passes all understanding, Philippians 4:7
Fourth, I have joy unspeakable, 1 Peter 1:8
Fifth, I have divine love which never fails, 1 Corinthians 13:8
Sixth, I have a faithful wife, Proverbs 31:10
Seventh, I have healthy, happy obedient children, Exodus 20:12
Eighth, I have true, loyal friends, Proverbs 18:24
Ninth, I have songs in the night, Psalms 42:8
Tenth, I have a crown of life, James 1:12"
The tax assessor closed his book, and said, "Truly you are a very rich man, but your property is not subject to taxation."
I pray that all of us will have this kind of tax free "wealth." Have a richly blessed day!
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-22-2006, 12:09 PM:
Rated G Andrew
Taxation: That process by which money is collected from people in order to pay the salaries of the people who do the collecting.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-25-2006, 03:12 PM:
Rated G
A man walked into the IRS Tax Collector's office and sat down and smiled at everyone.
"May I help you?" said the clerk in charge.
"No," said the man. "I just wanted to meet the people I have been working for all these years."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-30-2006, 09:31 AM:
Rated G
The IRS is cutting back hours of its toll free telephone help line. Apparently, fewer Americans have incomes to report these days.
Barach
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-31-2006, 06:19 AM:
Rated G Andrew
The IRS admits that they send out some erroneous tax bills. In fact, last week they really slipped up and accidentally sent one to a millionaire.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-01-2006, 10:04 AM:
Rated G Andrew
IRS auditor to taxpayer: "The trick is to stop thinking of it as your money."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-05-2006, 01:32 PM:
Rated PG Michael
This is a good explanation of how the system of income taxes really works!
Sometimes politicians, journalists and others exclaim; "It's just a tax cut for the rich!" and it is just accepted to be fact. But what does that really mean? Just in case you are not completely clear on this issue, I hope the following will help. Please read it carefully.
Let's put tax cuts in terms everyone can understand. Suppose that every day, ten men go out for dinner and the bill for all ten comes to $100. If they paid their bill the way we pay our taxes, it would go something like this:
The first four men (the poorest) would pay nothing. The fifth would pay $1. The sixth would pay $3. The seventh would pay $7. The eighth would pay $12. The ninth would pay $18. The tenth man (the richest) would pay $59.
So, that's what they decided to do. The ten men ate dinner in the restaurant every day and seemed quite happy with the arrangement, until one day, the owner threw them a curve.
"Since you are all such good customers," he said, "I'm going to reduce the cost of your daily meal by $20." Dinner for the ten now cost just $80. The group still wanted to pay their bill the way we pay our taxes so the first four men were unaffected. They would still eat for free. But what about the other six men - the paying customers? How could they divide the $20 windfall so that everyone would get his 'fair share?' They realized that $20 divided by six is $3.33. But if they subtracted that from everybody's share, then the fifth man and the sixth man would each end up being paid to eat their meal. So the restaurant owner suggested that it would be fair to reduce each man's bill by roughly the same amount, and he proceeded to work out the amounts each should pay.
And so:
The fifth man, like the first four, now paid nothing (100% savings). The sixth now paid $2 instead of $3 (33% savings). The seventh now paid $5 instead of $7 (28% savings). The eighth now paid $9 instead of $12 (25% savings). The ninth now paid $14 instead of $18 (22% savings). The tenth now paid $49 instead of $59 (16% savings). Each of the six was better off than before. And the first four continued to eat for free. But once outside the restaurant, the men began to compare their savings. "I only got a dollar out of the $20," declared the sixth man. He pointed to the tenth man,"but he got $10!" "Yeah, that's right," exclaimed the fifth man. "I only saved a dollar, too. It's unfair that he got ten times more than me!"
"That's true!!" shouted the seventh man. "Why should he get $10 back when I got only two? The wealthy get all the breaks!"
"Wait a minute," yelled the first four men in unison. "We didn't get anything at all. The system exploits the poor!" The nine men surrounded the tenth and beat him up. The next night the tenth man didn't show up for dinner, so the nine sat down and ate without him. But when it came time to pay the bill, they discovered something important. They didn't have enough money between all of them for even half of the bill!
And that, boys and girls, journalists and college professors, is how our tax system works. The people who pay the highest taxes get the most benefit from a tax reduction. Tax them too much, attack them for being wealthy, and they just may not show up anymore. In fact, they might start eating overseas where the atmosphere is somewhat friendlier.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-06-2006, 12:36 PM:
Rated G Andrew
My tax accountant is an understanding man. He has an office with a recovery room.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-07-2006, 08:11 AM:
Rated G Andrew
IRS executive, "Before we send out these new tax forms, let's run them through quality control to make sure that no one understands them."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-31-2006, 09:45 AM:
Rated G ![[Eek!]](eek.gif)
What Happened?
Tax his land,
Tax his bed,
Tax the table
At which he's fed.
Tax his tractor,
Tax his mule,
Teach him taxes
Are the rule.
Tax his cow,
Tax his goat,
Tax his pants,
Tax his coat.
Tax his ties,
Tax his shirt,
Tax his work,
Tax his dirt.
Tax his tobacco,
Tax his drink,
Tax him if he
Tries to think.
Tax his cigars,
Tax his beers,
If he cries, then
Tax his tears.
Tax his car,
Tax his gas,
Find other ways
To tax his ass
Tax all he has
Then let him know
That you won't be done
Till he has no dough.
When he screams and hollers,
Then tax him some more,
Tax him till
He's good and sore.
Then tax his coffin,
Tax his grave,
Tax the sod in
Which he's laid.
Put these words
upon his tomb,
"Taxes drove me
to my doom..."
When he's gone,
Do not relax,
Its time to apply
The inheritance tax.
Accounts Receivable Tax
Building Permit Tax
CDL license Tax
Cigarette Tax
Corporate Income Tax
Dog License Tax
Federal Income Tax
Federal Unemployment Tax (FUTA)
Fishing License Tax
Food License Tax,
Fuel permit tax
Gasoline Tax (42 cents per gallon)
Hunting License Tax
Inheritance Tax
Interest expense
Inventory tax
IRS Interest Charges IRS Penalties (tax on top of tax)
Liquor Tax
Luxury Taxes
Marriage License Tax
Medicare Tax
Property Tax
Real Estate Tax
Service charge taxes
Social Security Tax
Road usage taxes
Sales Tax
Recreational Vehicle Tax
School Tax
State Income Tax
State Unemployment Tax (SUTA)
Telephone federal excise tax
Telephone federal universal service fee tax
Telephone federal, state and local surcharge taxes
Telephone minimum usage surcharge tax
Telephone recurring and non-recurring charges tax
Telephone state and local tax
Telephone usage charge tax
Utility Taxes
Vehicle License Registration Tax
Vehicle Sales Tax
Watercraft registration Tax
Well Permit Tax
Workers Compensation Tax
COMMENTS: Not one of these taxes existed 100 years ago,
and our nation was the most prosperous in the world.
We had absolutely no national debt, had the largest middle class
in the world, and Mom stayed home to raise the kids.
What happened?
And I still have to "press 1" for English
I hope this goes around world 10 times
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 09-18-2007, 12:59 PM:
Rated G Lorraine
The United States Internal Revenue Service (IRS), taking its cue from the success of public relations efforts by branches of the armed services, recently unveiled their new slogan, which will henceforth be part of all print and online publications.
The new slogan is:
"Be audit you can be!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-13-2008, 03:17 PM:
Rated G
"I owe the government $3400 in taxes.
So I sent them two hammers and a toilet seat."
Michael McShane
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-10-2008, 04:46 PM:
Rated G B.B.
It's Tax Time!
Tax his land, tax his wage, Tax his bed in which he lays. Tax his tractor, tax his mule, Teach him taxes is the rule.
Tax his cow, tax his goat, Tax his pants, tax his coat. Tax his ties, tax his shirts, Tax his work, tax his dirt.
Tax his tobacco, tax his drink, Tax him if he tries to think. Tax his booze, tax his beers, If he cries, tax his tears.
Tax his bills, tax his gas, Tax his notes, tax his cash. Tax him good and let him know That after taxes, he has no dough.
If he hollers, tax him more, Tax him until he's good and sore. Tax his coffin, tax his grave, Tax the sod in which he lays.
Put these words upon his tomb, "Taxes drove me to my doom!" And when he's gone, we won't relax, We'll still be after the inheritance TAX
Hey maybe you'll get a refund!!
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-16-2008, 01:59 PM:
Rated G lbp
It’s tax time. I saw this the other day:
The United States government takes a third of your money. A third. My God, it’s like being married to Heather Mills.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-16-2008, 10:42 PM:
Rated G Jokester
Tax Forms: Long vs. Short
Ah, spring and the month of April. The chirping of birds, the fresh smell of flowers, the sunny days ... and the time that taxes are due. Yes, it's that time of year, when you put sum 5A into slot 6B, subtract the lesser of 12Z or 11Q from 10C, check the number of boxes entered and enter the number of checkered boxes, and try to figure out of you weigh more than last year's tax return. I just did my taxes and when I was done I was happy to see that I'm getting a refund ... look at the money the government is giving to me ... until I thought, "Hey, it was MY money to begin with!"
The difference between the short tax form and long tax form is simple.
If you use the short form, the government gets your money.
If you use the long form, the accountant gets your money.
Damn Income Taxes
One day, this man, Tony, died. When he was sent to be judged, he was told that he had committed a sin, and that he could not go to heaven right away. He asked what he did and God told him that he cheated on his income taxes, and that the only way he could get into heaven would be to sleep with a 500 pound, stupid, butt-ugly woman for the next five years and enjoy it. Tony decided that this was a small price to pay for an eternity in heaven. So off he went with this enormous woman, pretending to be happy.
As he was walking along, he saw his friend Carlos up ahead. Carlos was with an even bigger, uglier woman than he was with. When he approached Carlos he asked him what was going on, and Carlos replied, "I cheated on my income taxes and scammed the government out of a lot of money... even more then you did." They both shook their heads in understanding and figured that as long as they have to be with these women, they might as well hang out together to help pass the time.
Now Tony, Carlos, and their two beastly women were walking along, minding their own business when Tony and Carlos could have sworn that they saw their friend Jon up ahead, only this man was with an absolutely drop dead gorgeous supermodel / centerfold. Stunned, Tony and Carlos approached the man and in fact it was their friend Jon. They asked him how is he with this unbelievable goddess, while they were stuck with these god-awful women.
Jon replied, "I have no idea, and I'm definitely not complaining. This has been absolutely the best time of my life (and I'm dead,) and I have five years of the best sex any man could hope for to look forward to. There is only one thing that I can't seem to understand. After every time we have sex, she rolls over and murmurs to herself, "Damn income taxes!"
Tax his land,
Tax his bed,
Tax the table
At which he's fed.
Tax his tractor,
Tax his mule,
Teach him taxes
Are the rule.
Tax his cow,
Tax his goat,
Tax his pants,
Tax his coat.
Tax his ties,
Tax his shirt,
Tax his work,
Tax his dirt.
Tax his tobacco,
Tax his drink,
Tax him if he
Tries to think.
Tax his cigars,
Tax his beers,
If he cries, then
Tax his tears.
Tax his car,
Tax his gas,
Find other ways
To tax his ass
Tax all he has
Then let him know
That you won't be done
Till he has no dough.
When he screams and hollers,
Then tax him some more,
Tax him till
He's good and sore.
Then tax his coffin ,
Tax his grave,
Tax the sod in
Which he's laid.
Put these words
upon his tomb,
" Taxes drove me to my doom..."
When he's gone,
Do not relax,
It’s time to apply
The inheritance tax.
Accounts Receivable Tax
Building Permit Tax
CDL license Tax
Cigarette Tax
Corporate Income Tax
Dog License Tax
Excise Taxes
Federal Income Tax
Federal Unemployment Tax (FUTA)
Fishing License Tax
Food License Tax
Fuel Permit Tax
Gasoline Tax (42 cents per gallon)
Gross Receipts Tax
Hunting License Tax
Inheritance Tax
Inventory Tax
IRS Interest Charges IRS Penalties (tax on top of tax)
Liquor Tax
Luxury Taxes
Marriage License Tax
Medicare Tax
Personal Property Tax
Property Tax
Real Estate Tax
Road Usage Tax
Recreational Vehicle Tax
Service Charge Tax
Social Security Tax
Sales Tax
School Tax
State Income Tax
State Unemployment Tax (SUTA)
Telephone Federal Excise Tax
Telephone Federal Universal Service Fee Tax
Telephone Federal, State and Local Surcharge Taxes
Telephone Minimum Usage Surcharge Tax
Telephone Recurring and Non-recurring Charges Tax
Telephone State and Local Tax
Telephone Usage Charge Tax
Utility Taxes
Vehicle License Registration Tax
Vehicle Sales Tax
Watercraft Registration Tax
Well Permit Tax
Workers Compensation Tax
(Feel free to add any that have been overlooked.)
Can you spell "POLITICIAN!!!!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-27-2008, 08:22 AM:
Rated G cutie pa2ti
A kid swallowed a coin and it got stuck in his throat. His mother yelled for help. A man passing by hit him in the small of the back, and the coin came out.
"I don't know how to thank you, Doctor..." his mother started.
"I'm not a doctor," the man replied, "I'm from the IRS."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-19-2008, 09:29 AM:
Rated G Jokester
"The trick is to stop thinking of it as 'your' money."
-IRS auditor
The Gambler
The IRS decides to audit Ralph, and summons him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor is not surprised when Ralph shows up with his attorney.
The auditor says, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable."
"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Ralph. "How about a demonstration?"
The auditor thinks for a moment and said, "Okay. Go ahead."
Ralph says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye."
The auditor thinks a moment and says, "No way!
It's a bet."
Ralph removes his glass eye and bites it.
The auditor's jaw drops. Ralph says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye."
The auditor can tell Ralph isn't blind, so he takes the bet.
Ralph removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Ralph's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
"Want to go double or nothing?" Ralph asks.
"I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between."
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this guy can manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
Ralph stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the desk.
The auditor leaps with joy! ,realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Ralph's attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.
"Are you okay?" the auditor asks.
"Not really," says the attorney. "This morning, when Ralph told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over an IRS official's desk and that you'd be happy about it."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-18-2009, 08:09 AM:
Rated G Jokester
Interactive Taxes
Hello! Welcome to Taxtime, your Interactive Tax Preparer Program. Do you feel like doing your taxes today?
I see. Well, don't you think you should do them anyway? After all, it is April 13. You have less than two days to file. And who knows? Maybe you'll get a refund.
That's the spirit! Let's begin with your name, address, and marital status.
Sorry to hear about the divorce. But don't let it get you down -- that alimony deduction will come in mighty handy in these tough financial times!
Please don't cry. The economy's bound to bounce back. In the meantime, let's talk about dependents. Do you have any children?
Wow! I hope they're not all in college. Do you have any other dependents?
Sorry. You can't deduct your dog, even if she is your only friend.
I agree. The IRS is unreasonable. But let's move on to income. What were your wages in 2008?
You are having a bad go of it, aren't you? But at least you're getting the Unemployment Benefits max.
I'm afraid Unemployment Benefits are taxable. The government giveth and the government taketh away. Hey, don't blame me. I'm just the messenger. Anyway, did you have any interest or dividend income or capital gains?
Your spouse got everything, huh? Well, look on the bright side. If you don't earn it, they can't make you pay taxes on it.
Please don't exit. It was just a joke. I don't suppose you were able to sock anything away into an IRA? I didn't mean to insult you; I'm just doing my job. They make me ask about IRAs and Keogh Plans too.
Okay, okay. I get the point. You're broke. So let's go over your deductions and see about getting you a healthy refund. And speaking about health, I need a complete list of your non- reimbursed medical expenses.
That's great -- a fractured sacroiliac. And your income was so low that most of it will be deductible! Let's move on to your state income taxes and real estate taxes.
Boy, those state taxes can really take a bite, eh? But that huge mortgage tax deduction should really increase your refund. What? You had to sell the house to pay for the divorce? What a shame. But I thought you said you didn't have any capital gains.
You sold it at a loss? Really? So tell me -- Do you think housing is going to drop any further? One of my other users is looking to buy.
You're absolutely right. That was a selfish and thoughtless thing to say. I'm a new program, and I guess they haven't gotten all the bugs out.
Let's go back to your deductions. What did you pay in mortgage interest?
I'm afraid deducting credit card interest is a major no-no.
But you may want to consider our Interactive Bankruptcy Software!
Hey, now. Don't get your nose out of joint. It was just a suggestion. Anyway, it's time to list your charitable contributions. I know you can't afford them, but list a couple hundred in cash anyway. Everybody does it, and it's impossible to check.
Good. Now I'm almost afraid to ask, but did you suffer any unreimbursed casualty or theft losses last year?
That's pretty much what I expected. Just give me the numbers and I'll take it from there.
Is there anything else you want to tell me?
I'm sorry; I don't really have time to listen about your divorce anymore. What I meant was, did you have any other income or expenses? Fine. Now why don't you rest for a second, so I can do some quick calculations.
I have good news. You're entitled to a $157 refund. Would you like to apply it to your 2009 tax?
I beg your pardon. They don't pay me enough to listen to that kind of language.