The victim of an awful automobile accident was pronounced dead on arrival at the hospital, and the emergency nurse was ordered to prepare the body for the undertaker.

Removing his clothes, she discovered that the young man had died with the most massive ERECTION she had ever seen Unable to take her eyes off it, she finally yielded to temptation, took off her panties, straddled the stiff and proceeded to enjoy herself.

She was just getting down from the table when a second nurse came in and saw her and promptly reprimanded her for her obscene behavior.

"What's the harm?" shot back the first nurse. "I enjoyed it, and HE surely didn't mind it. Besides, he can't complain and I can't get pregnant. Why don't YOU give it a try too?"

Oh, I can't possibly," said the second nurse, blushing. "First, he's dead and second, I've got my period. Anyway, listen, the doctor wants you."

And so the first nurse left.

The second nurse got to work, but soon found herself terribly excited by this massive hard-on and finally climbed on top of it. Just as she was starting to cum, she was astonished to feel the man climax too!

Looking down and seeing his eyelids starting to flutter, she exclaimed in shock,
"I thought you were dead!"

"Lady, I thought I was too," said the man, "until you gave me that blood transfusion."
 

A man and a woman met at a bar. They started getting along really well and they decide to go to her place for a drink.

Some drinks later, the guy took off his shirt and washed his hands. He then took off his socks and washed his hands.

The woman looked at him and said, "You must be a dentist."

Flabbergasted, the guy responded, "Why yes! That's amazing; how did you know that?"

The woman replied, "Real easy. You keep washing your hands."

One thing leads to another, and they go to bed.

After the lovemaking, the woman remarked, "You must be a GREAT dentist!"

The doctor was very surprised, and said, "Yes! Yes! I sure am a great dentist. Wow! You amaze me! And how did you know THAT sweetheart?"

The woman says: "Easy. I didn't feel a thing."
 

A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room, when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered.

It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis,so she was scheduled for immediate surgery.

When she was completely disrobed  on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, "Keep off the grass."

Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said, "Sorry, had to mow the lawn."   
 

Carlos calls his boss in the morning:

Eh, boss I not come work today I really sick. I got headache,stomach ache,my legs hurt I not come to work.

The boss says: You know Carlos I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her to let me stick my cock in her. That makes me feel better and I can go to work. You should try that.

Two hours later Carlos calls: Boss, I did what you said and I feel great, I come to work soon. And by the way, you got nice house.   
 

A gynecologist was getting sick of his job and decided that he needed a career change. He'd always enjoyed tinkering with engines so thought he'd become a mechanic.

So he went along to mechanics school and the final test was to strip the engine completely and reassemble it - obviously back into perfect working order.

So our gynecologist friend did the test and anxiously awaited the result.

The day he received the results he got quite a surprise, he got 150%!

He quickly phoned the instructor and queried the mark.

The instructor said "no no that's right.

First I gave you 50% for stripping down the engine - - a very thorough job. Next I gave you 50% for reassembling it - a fantastic job really, and then I gave you a 50% bonus for doing it all through the muffler.
 

The Clueless Dictionary of Medical Terms

Benign. . . . . . . . . . . What you be after you be eight
Artery. . . . . . . . . . . The study of paintings
Bacteria. . . . . . . . . . Back door to cafeteria
Barium. . . . . . . . . . . What doctors do when patients die
Cesarean Section. . . . . . A neighborhood in Rome.
Catscan . . . . . . . . . . Searching for Kitty
Cauterize . . . . . . . . . Made eye contact with her
Colic . . . . . . . . . . . A sheep dog
Coma. . . . . . . . . . . . A punctuation mark
D & C . . . . . . . . . . . Where Washington is
Dilate. . . . . . . . . . . To live long
Enema . . . . . . . . . . . Not a friend
Fester. . . . . . . . . . . Quicker than someone else
Fibula. . . . . . . . . . . A small lie
G.I. Series . . . . . . . . World Series of military baseball
Hangnail. . . . . . . . . . What you hang your coat on
Impotent. . . . . . . . . . Distinguished, well known
Labor Pain. . . . . . . . . Getting hurt at work
Medical Staff . . . . . . . A Doctor's cane
Morbid. . . . . . . . . . . A higher offer than I bid
Nitrates. . . . . . . . . . Cheaper than day rates
Node. . . . . . . . . . . . Was aware of
Outpatient. . . . . . . . . A person who has fainted
Pap smear . . . . . . . . . A fatherhood test
Post Operative. . . . . . . A letter carrier
Pelvis. . . . . . . . . . . Second cousin to Elvis
Recovery Room . . . . . . . Place to do upholstery
Rectum. . . . . . . . . . . Damn near killed him
Secretion . . . . . . . . . Hiding something
Seizure . . . . . . . . . . Roman emperor
Tablet. . . . . . . . . . . Small table
Terminal Illness. . . . . . Getting sick at the airport
Tumor . . . . . . . . . . . More than one
Urine . . . . . . . . . . . Opposite of you're out
Varicose. . . . . . . . . . Near by
Vein. . . . . . . . . . . . Conceited
 

"Mr. Clark, I'm afraid I have bad news," the doctor told his anxious patient.

"You only have six months to live."

The man sat in stunned silence for the next several minutes.

Regaining his composure, he apologetically told his physician that he had no medical insurance. "I can't possibly pay you in that time."

"Okay," the doctor said, "let's make it nine months."   
 

A middle aged man walks into a Wal-Mart and asks where the pharmacy counter is.

After being guided in its direction, he asks to see the pharmacist.

The pharmacist comes out and the man, looking around furtively, asks quietly, "Do you sell Viagra here?"The pharmacist answers firmly, "Yes, sir. We certainly do."

The man then says, "Do you think I could get it over the counter?"

The pharmacist looks at him for a moment and then says, "Perhaps if you took 5 or 6 pills at once you might."   
 

A woman gives birth to a baby, and afterwards, the doctor comes in, and he says, "I have to tell you something about your baby."

The woman sits up in bed and says, "What's wrong with my baby Doctor?...What's wrong???"

The doctor says, "Well, now, nothing's wrong exactly, but your baby is a little bit different. Your baby is a hermaphrodite."

The woman says, "A hermaphrodite..what's that???"

The doctor says, "Well, it means your baby has the...er...features...of a male and a female"

The woman turns pale. She says, "Oh, my goodness! You mean it has a penis...AND a brain?
 

A man goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, I've got a problem with my balls but I'm a little ashamed of it." "Don't worry, I'm here to help you. What's the problem?" The doc replies.

"One of my balls is much much bigger then the other one." "Ok, show them to me." "No, no! everyone laughs at it, and I'm sure you'll laugh too, and that pisses me off!" "Look, I'm a doctor, don't doubt about my professionality. please show them to me!"
"Ok..."

So he lowers his pants and gets this horribly huge ball, holding it with both his hands, and panting for the weight tries to put it on the table. The doctor, seeing such an incredible scene, bursts out in laughter. And the man, getting angry, says, "I
knew you would laugh! Now I won't show you the big one!"
 

A mute guy is walking down the street and he meets his mute friend who suddenly starts speaking to him. Amazed, the mute guy signals his talking friend asking how was he able to talk.

His friend, happily tells him that he went to a doctor who healed him in only 27 days. The mute guy asks for directions and runs to the doctor to get healed.

He runs in and desperately, and signals the doctor that he wants to be able to speak. The doctor says: "fine, you will learn in 27 days but you must pay 2000$ in advance". The guy gives him his credit card without even blinking. Then the doctor says: "drop your pants". The guy gets undressed and the doctor says: "now, bend over". The guy, reluctant to the doctors command signals NO! and starts to get dressed again. The doctor says: "Well, I guess you wont learn how to speak then..". The mute guy pauses and decides to accept, dropping his pants and bending over.

The doctor walks behind him towards the end on the room, grabs a broom and runs back at him jamming the broom up the guys ass. The guy screams AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!

Then the doctor says: " OK!! Come tomorrow and I'll show you the letter B."
 

The medical student was asked four reasons why mother's milk was better for babies than cow's milk.

This is the answer he submitted:

1. It's fresher.
2. It's cleaner.
3. The cats can't get to it.
4. It's easier to take on a picnic.
He also added: "It comes in such cute containers." 
 

An elderly man sat down at the table in the cruise ship dining room on his first night at sea. The waiter placed a delicious looking filet mignon in front of him. The man dug in his pockets for a moment, then swore, "Damn, I can't eat this. I forgot my dentures!"

Another man sitting across from him immediately lifted a black bag from the floor, rummaged around, then picked out a set of teeth. He handed them to the elderly man, saying, "Here, try these."

The elderly man slipped them in, then removed them. "These are too small."

The other man rummaged again, came up with another pair, then said, "How about these?"

The forgetful senior citizen tried those, tested on a bite of steak, then beamed. "These are the best fitting teeth I've ever had. You must be a genius. When we land, I want to go to your dental office for an appointment."

The other man said, "I'm afraid I don't give appointments."
"Why not?"

Because I'm not a dentist, I'm a mortician."
 

Doctor Bob had slept with one of his patients and had
felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he
tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and
sense of betrayal was overwhelming.

But every once in a while he'd hear that soothing
voice, within himself, trying to reassure him: "Bob,
don't worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to
sleep with one of his patients ... and you won't be
the last. And you're single. Let it go ..."

But invariably another voice would bring him back to
reality: "Bob, you're a vet ..."
 

Mrs. Smith was a hypochondriac.

Dr. Jones was fed up with her constant complaints about non-existent illnesses, so he started palming her off with a mild sedative to keep her happy.

One day she complained about chest pains and the doctor prescribed his usual treatment.

This time however, the pain was real and Mrs. Smith died of a heart attack.

On hearing of her death, Dr. Jones was so upset he died of shock.

Mrs. Smith and Dr. Jones were buried next to each other in the cemetery.

The next morning, Dr. Jones heard a tapping on his coffin, followed by a voice saying, "Dr. Jones, this is Mrs. Smith. Do you have anything for worms?"
 

Just Don’t Do It Here

Doug and Tammy were expecting their first child and had a basic question to ask their Doctor ...

Their Doctor was an old timer and had been around the block a few times...and by this time had probably heard everything!

Doug turned to the Doctor and asked:

"So Doc, is there a time when....uh....umm....errr we...errr....hmm...should....you know....stop doing it?"

To which the Doctor replied, "Sonny, as long as you don't get in my way in the delivery room, I don't care!"
 

While suturing a laceration on the hand of a 90 year old man (he got his hand caught in a gate while working his cattle) a doctor and the old man were discussing President Bush's health care reform ideas.

The old man said "Well, ya know, G.W. Bush is a post turtle".

So, not knowing what he meant, the doctor asked him what a "post turtle" was.

The old man said "When you're driving down a country road, and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a post turtle.

You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong there, he can't get anything done while he's up there, and you just want to help the poor thing down
 

A student visits her doctor for a routine chest examination. 

The doctor notices a slight graze on her rib-cage in the shape of a 'C'. 

The girl explains that this is caused by her boyfriend who likes to make love wearing his Cambridge University jumper.

A few days later another girl student visits the doctor. This time during the examination he notices that there is an 'O' mark on the girl's ribs.
 
The girl explains that the mark is caused by her boyfriend's penchant for making love in his Oxford University jumper.

Early the next week the doctor receives a visit from a third student who is complaining of a chest infection. 

The doctor examines the girl, and finds she has a 'W' mark on her ribs. 
"Do you have a boyfriend at Warwick?" asks the doctor.

"No", replies the girl, "I have a girlfriend at Manchester!"
 

One night, Bob receives a call from the Emergency Room doctor.

The doctor says, "Your wife was in a serious car accident, and I'm afraid I have some bad news and good news.

The bad news is she has lost all use of both arms and both legs, and will need help eating and going to the bathroom for the rest of her life." 

Bob says, "My God. What's the good news?" 

"I'm kidding." The doctor says, "She's dead."
 

Shakey went to a psychiatrist.

"Doc," he said, "I`ve got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there`s somebody under it.

I get under the bed, I think there`s somebody on top of it.

Top, under, top, under ... you gotta help me, I`m going crazy!"

"Just put yourself in my hands for two years," said the shrink. "Come to me three times a week, and I`ll cure your fears."

"How much do you charge?"

"A hundred dollars per visit."

"I'll sleep on it," said Shakey.

Six months later the doctor met Shakey on the street.

"Why didn't you ever come to see me again?" asked the psychiatrist.

"For a hundred bucks a visit? A bartender cured me for ten dollars."

"Is that so! How?"

"He told me to cut the legs off the bed!"
 

A young women brings a very young and skinny baby to the doctor's office. She explains, "The baby seems to be ailing.

Instead of gaining weight, he lost three ounces this week."

She was told to go into an examining room and wait for the doctor.

He comes in and examines the baby, then asks the woman, "Is he breast fed or on the bottle?"

"Breast fed," she says.

"Well, strip down to your waist," he orders.

She does. He squeezes both breasts, massages them, pinches both nipples, and then begins to powerfully suck on one nipple.

Finally he announces, "No wonder this baby is hungry, you don't have any milk."

"Naturally," she says, "I'm his aunt, but I'm sure glad I came in today."
 

A renowned heart surgeon in LA died. The funeral was lavish, with the coffin placed in front of a mammoth heart replica. As the minister finished with the eulogy, there was barely a dry eye in the room.

At the end of the service, the heart opened and the coffin slowly rolled inside. At that moment one of the mourners was having serious difficulty stifling the giggles. The guy next to him, a good friend of the deceased asked, "Why are you laughing?" " I don't mean any disrespect. I was just thinking about my own funeral," the man replied. "What's so funny about that?" "I'm a gynecologist!"
 

Morris tells his doctor, "I am under a lot of stress. I keep losing my temper with people and insulting them. You gotta help me, doctor!"

The doctor says, "Tell me about your problem, Morris?"

Morris looks at him and yells, "I just did YOU STUPID BASTARD!"
 

Hello doctor?...

A doctor was awakened at four in the morning by an old man, who demanded to know how much he charged for a house call.

"Twenty-five dollars," muttered the sleepy physician.

"How much is an office visit?" demanded the old man.

"Fifteen dollars."

"Okay, Doc," said the old man. "I'll meet you in your office in fifteen minutes."
 

A little dwarf lady goes into her doctor's office complaining of an irritated crotch.

After an examination the doctor sighs, "I don't seem to see any problem. Does it get better or worse at any time?"

"Yeah, it's really bad whenever it rains," she replies.

"Well, then," says the Doc, "Next time it rains, get in here at once, and we'll take another look at it."

Two weeks later its raining really hard, and the little lady shows up at the doctor's office.

"Doctor, it's really bad today. Please you have to help me!!"

"Well, let's have a look," he says as he lifts her up onto the table.

"Oh, yes, I think I see the problem. Nurse bring me a surgical kit. Don't worry ma'am this won't hurt a bit."

The dwarf lady closes her eyes in painful anticipation.

The doctor begins snipping away and finishes a few minutes later.

"There you go, ma'am, try that."

She walks back and forth around the office and exclaims, "That's great, Doc, what did you do?!"

To which the doctor replied, "I just took a couple of inches off the top of your rain boots."
 

A man goes to a psychiatrist and says, "Doctor, you must help me. Every night I dream that I'm driving a truck from Pittsburgh to New York. I'm so tired I can hardly get up in the morning."

Doctor says, "Tell you what. Next time you have this dream, just call me and I'll come over and drive the truck for you."

The man tries it, and he is cured.

Later another patient comes in and tells the doctor, "I keep having this same dream every night. I'm making love to four beautiful women, and by morning I'm totally exhausted. Can you help me?"

Doctor says, "Tell you what, next time you have this dream, just call me and I'll come and take a couple of them off your hands."

Two weeks later the man goes back to the psychiatrist and says, "Doc, you gotta help me. Now these women are bringing their friends, and they're all getting so demanding. I'm so tired I can barely get through the day. Can't you do something?"

"You should have called me like I told you." said the doctor “I’d take a couple of them off your hands."

"But Doc," the man said, "I've been calling you every night, and your service keeps telling me you're out driving a truck from Pittsburgh to New York."
 

A guy went to a psychiatrist because he was having severe problems with his sex life.

The psychiatrist asked him a lot of questions, but didn't seem to be getting a clear picture of the problems.

Finally he asked, ''Do you ever watch your girlfriend's face while you're having sex?''

''Well, yes, I did once.'

''Well, how did she look?''

''Oh boy, she looked VERY angry!''...At this point the psychiatrist felt that he was really getting somewhere and he said, ''Well that's very interesting, we must look into this further.

Now tell me, you say that you have only seen your girlfriend's face once during sex; that seems somewhat unusual.

How did it occur that you saw her face that time?''

''She was watching us through the window.''
 

There was this man in a mental hospital.

All day he would put his ear to the wall and listen....

The doctor would watch this guy do this day after day till one day he finally decided to see what the guy was listening to, so he put his ear up to the wall and listened.

He heard nothing. The doctor turned to the mental patient and said, “I don’t hear anything.”

The mental patient said, “Yeah, I know. It’s been like that for months!”
 

A man went into the proctologist’s office for his first exam. The doctor told him to have a seat in the examination room and that he would be with him in just a few minutes.

When the man sat down in the examination room, he noticed three items on a stand: K-Y jelly,a rubber glove, and a beer.

When the doctor returned, the man said, “Look Doc, this is my first exam, I know what the K-Y and the glove is for... but what is the BEER for?”

At that instant, the doctor became noticeably outraged, stormed over to the door. flung it open and yelled “Dammit, nurse!!! I said a BUTT LIGHT
 

A doctor had come out of an examination room and begun to write a prescription.

A nurse walked by and said, "Excuse me, Doctor, but you are trying to write with your thermometer."

The doctor looked at the thermometer and said, "Dammit! Some asshole has my pen."
 

A guy had been feeling down for so long that he finally decided to seek the aid of a psychiatrist.

He went there, laid on the couch, spilled his guts then waited for the profound wisdom of the psychiatrist to make him feel better. The psychiatrist asked me a few questions, took some notes then sat thinking in silence for a few minutes with a puzzled look on his face.

Suddenly, he looked up with an expression of delight and said, "Um, I think your problem is low self-esteem. It is very common among losers."…
 

Three desperately ill men met with their doctor one day to discuss their options.

One was an alcoholic. One was a chain smoker. One was a homosexual.

The doctor, addressing all three of them said seriously: "If any of you indulge in your vices one more time, you will surely die."

The men left the doctor's office, each convinced he would never again indulge himself in his vice.

While walking toward the subway to return home, they passed a bar.

The alcoholic, hearing the music and seeing the lights, could not stop himself.

His buddies accompanied him into the bar where he had a shot of whiskey.

No sooner had he replaced the shot glass on the bar, the alcoholic fell off his stool, stone cold dead.

His companions, rather shaken up, left the bar realizing how seriously they must take the doctor's words.

As they walked along, they came upon a cigarette butt lying on the ground, still burning.

The homosexual looked at the chain smoker and said, "If you bend over to pick that up, we're both dead.
 

A surgeon was retiring from his long and rewarding career as a specialist in circumcision.

Throughout his career, he had saved the foreskins of his patients in specimen jars as momentos, and now wished to fashion them into a souvenir.

So he brought his hundreds of specimens to a leathersmith, and asked him to craft an article of fine artistic quality.

"I'll see what I can do," said the artisan, "Check back with me in one week."

The surgeon returned one week later, eager to see what magnificent article the leathersmith had made for him.

The leathersmith presented him a wallet.

"All those foreskins and you only make me a wallet?" exclaimed the surgeon.

The leathersmith replied "Yes, but if you stroke it, it becomes a briefcase."
 

A guy walks into a crowded doctor's office and says to the receptionist, "There's something wrong with my dick."

The receptionist looks up and says, "You shouldn't say things like that in a crowded reception area.

Please leave, and when you come back in, say there's something wrong with your ear, or something like that."

The guy walks out, then walks back in.

The receptionist says, "Yes?"

The guy says, "There's something wrong with my ear."

The receptionist says, "And what's wrong with your ear, sir?"

He says, "It hurts when I piss out of it."
 

This doctor took all the Psycho patients to a room and gave them all tall stools to sit. 

They he asked them to pretend that they are on a bicycle and to peddle (as part of his treatment).

Well all started to peddle and pretend that they were really on a bicycle. But one patient just sat there doing nothing.

The doc approached him and said “Why don't you peddle your bicycle like others?”

The guy said "Are you stupid or what, I'm going downhill."
 

The FDA just approved in the generic form.

Please share with anyone you may know who needs this important information.

Viagra can now be purchased at a huge discount under it's generic name.

Just ask your doctor or pharmacist for the generic Viagra known as: mycoxafloppin
 

Concerned about his failing manhood, a farmer went to the local doctor for help.

The doctor gave him a small container of pills and told him to take no more than one a day.

Back home, the farmer thought he'd try the medication on his stud horse first.

The horse swallowed the pill, jumped out of his stall, kicked a side of the barn over, and ran off down the road.

"Those pills are too strong for me," the farmer thought, and pour the rest into his well.

Later, when the doctor came to check on him, the farmer told how he had disposed of the medication.

"Heavens!" exclaimed the doctor.

"You haven't drunk any of the well water, have you?"

No," said the farmer. "We can't get the pump handle down."
 

In a mental institution a nurse walks into a room and sees a patient acting like he's driving a car.

The nurse asks him,"Charlie what are you doing?"

Charlie replied, "Driving to Chicago!"

The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room.

The next day the nurse enters Charlie's room just as he stops driving his imaginary car.

Well Charlie, how you doing?"

Charlie says, "I’m in Chicago!"

"Great," replied the nurse.

The nurse leaves Charlie's room and goes across the hall into Bob's room and finds Bob sitting on his bed masturbating vigorously.

With surprise she asks, "Bob what are you doing!"

Bob says ..."I'm doing Charlie's wife while he's in Chicago!"
 

A woman comes to a doctor and says, "Doctor, I need your help."

"What seems to be the problem?" inquires the physician.

"Well," says the woman, blushing ever so slightly, "You see... My husband does not satisfy me sexually. He tries and he tries, but he is just not enough for me. What can I do?"

"Hmmmm," said the good doctor, "That's a bit out of my league. Has he seen the doctor?"

"Yes, he has. He is perfectly Ok. He just can't provide me with what I need. You've got to help me!"

"Er... Why don't you take a lover?" suggests the doctor.

"But I have!" replies the woman, "I still don't get enough."

"Take another lover." "I did."

"Well, take another one!" says the exasperated Doc.

"I did!" exclaims the woman, "As a matter of fact, I have a husband and eight lovers. And I still don't get enough sex!

"Gosh, that's an anomaly."

"Really?!” she exclaims “Oh, Doctor! Please tell them it's an anomaly!

They all keep telling me I'm a whore!"
 

A new nurse listened while
Dr. Blake was yelling,
"Typhoid! Tetanus! Measles!"
The new nurse asked another nurse,
"Why is he doing that?"
The other nurse replied,
"Oh, he just likes to call
the shots around here."
 

The Examination

A beautiful young girl is about to undergo a minor operation.

She's laid on a rolling bed by the nurse and brought to the corridor.

Before they enter the room, the nurse leaves her behind the surgery room door and goes in to check whether everything is ready. 

A young man, wearing a white coat, approaches, takes the sheet away and starts examining her naked body.

He walks away and talks to another man in a white coat.

The second man comes over and performs the same examination.

When a third man starts examining her body so closely, she grows impatient and says, "All these examinations are fine and appreciated, but when are you going to start the operation?"

The man in the white coat shrugs his shoulders, "I have no idea. We're just painting the corridor."
 

The 80-year-old man sat down in the orthopedic surgeon's office.

"You know, Doc," he said, "I've made love in more exotic cars than anyone I know. Must be at least a thousand."

"And now, I suppose, you want me to treat you for the arthritis you got from scrunching up in all those uncomfortable positions," the doctor replied.

"Hell, no," the old fellow replied. "I want to borrow your Lamborghini!"
 

An old country ne'er-do-well went to the doctor because he was having trouble sleeping.

The doctor asked him to describe the problem he was experiencing.

"Well doc..." the old man said, "I sleep good at nite, and I sleep pretty good in the morning. But of late, I been a-gettin' real restless when I try to sleep in the afternoons

A man walks into his doctor's office and whines, "Doc, you've got to help me; I've got a strawberry stuck up my ass."

The doctor pulls out his prescription pad and says, "I've got cream for that!"
 

Q: The difference between Niagra andViagra?

A: Niagra Falls.
 

WHAT THE DOCTOR REALLY MEANS

"This should be taken care of right away."

I'd planned a trip to Hawaii next month but this is so easy and profitable that I want to fix it before it cures itself.

"Let me check your medical history."

I want to see if you've paid your last bill before spending anymore time with you.

"Why don't we make another appointment later in the week."

I'm playing golf this afternoon, and this a waste of time.---or-- I need the bucks, so I'm charging you for another office visit.

"We have some good news and some bad news."

The good news is, I'm going to buy that new BMW. The bad news is, you're going to pay for it.

"Let's see how it develops."

Maybe in a few days it will grow into something that can be cured.

"Let me schedule you for some tests."

I have a forty percent interest in the lab.

"I'd like to have my associate look at you."

He's going through a messy divorce and owes me a bundle.

"I'd like to prescribe a new drug."

I'm writing a paper and would like to use you for a guinea pig.

"This may smart a little."

Last week two patients bit off their tongues.

"Well, we're not feeling so well today, are we...?"

I'm stalling for time. Who are you and why are you here?

"This should fix you up."

The drug company slipped me some big bucks to prescribe this stuff.

"Everything seems to be normal."

Rats! I guess I can't buy that new beach condo after all.

"I'd like to run some more tests."

I can't figure out what's wrong. Maybe the kid in the lab can solve this one.

"Do you suppose all this stress could be affecting your nerves?"

You're crazier'n an outhouse rat. Now, if I can only find a shrink who'll split fees with me ...

"There is a lot of that going around."

My God, that's the third one this week. I'd better learn something about this.
 

The State Inspector is making his rounds of psychiatric centers.

He enters one, and he tells the supervisor that he wants to look in on some of the patients.

The supervisor says, "Ok."

They go into one cell, and there is a guy standing there swinging a baseball bat. The inspector turns to the supervisor, and says, "Isn't that dangerous?"

The supervisor responds, "Ask the patient why he has the baseball bat."

The inspector asks the patient, "What are you doing with the baseball bat?"

The guy turns around, and says, "When I get out of here I'm going to be a professional baseball player like Babe Ruth, and make a lot of money."

The inspector nod his head, and says, "Very good."

They go into the next cell, and theres a guy swinging a golf club.

The inspector asks the man with the golf club, "And what do you wanna be when you get out of here?"

The man replies, "I wanna become a professional golf player like Tiger Woods, and make a lot of money." Again the inspector nods his head, and says, "Very good."

Then they go to the third cell, theres a guy with a bushel of peanuts, and he is swaying back and forth with the bushel by his penis. The inspector asks, "What do you wanna be when you get out?" He replies, "I'm fucking nuts! Im never getting outta here!"
 

A wife went in to see a therapist and said, “I’ve got a big problem doctor.”
Every time we’re in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this earsplitting yell.”

”My dear,” the shrink said, “that’s completely natural. I don’t see what the  problem is.”.....

”The problem is,” she complained, “It wakes me up.”
 

A mechanic was removing a motor from a Harley when a world famous surgeon walked into the shop. The mechanic yelled across the floor to the doctor, "Hey Doc, can I ask you something?"

The surgeon was a bit surprised but he walked over to the mechanic. The mechanic straightened himself up and wiped his hands with a rag and said, "Look at this engine doc, I can also open hearts, take out valves, fix 'em, put 'em back in and when I'm done they'll work just like new. So how come you get the big bucks when I barely have enough to get by?"

The doctor leaned in close to the young mechanic and whispered, "Try doing it with the engine running."
 

Doctor to Paitient:

"I have good news and bad news:

The good news is that you are not a hypochondriac."
 

It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

* This was e-mailed to me by a lurker, I found it amusing as for me in two more days I will be off for one year.

I have always had sympathy for those afflicted with the tobacco habit.

That is, I've always had it during the last nine days since I gave up the filthy weed myself. And with my head cleared of fumes and my blood of nicotine poison, I've been able to give some thought to this problem.

I've calculated the average cigarette smoker spends $750 a year on his vice- enough to buy a wardrobe, or a comfortable chair, or a nice holiday. All of these go up in smoke.

Calculating still further with my new clarity of mind, I discover that in 30 years the average smoker spends $22,500. In other words, If I had sworn off 30 years ago I would now have the price of high-class automobile, or a trip abroad, or a down payment on a house.

I have heard the economic problems of our time explained in many different ways, but their real cause has been totally overlooked. If there were no tobacco, the average family (since both men and women are slaves to the weed) would have something over $125 a month more to spend on groceries, rent or furniture.

Our whole living standard would improve. In short, after nine days of reformation I can see that our civilization is not dying from poverty, nuclear waste, but of tobacco. It is smoking itself to death.

How can we possibly see the solution of our larger problems when our eyes are blinded with smoke?

As I say, it is nine days since I first grasped these truths. A part from the fact that I have felt sick the whole time, have been unable to work, have been unfit to live with, have lost the affections of my family, insulted my friends and hoped on rising every morning that I would die before night - apart from that, these have been the happiest days of my life.

I am free at last, and as I swore off for one month, I still have 21 days of freedom left before I am plunged back into slavery again.

I am counting those days.
 

When you're hospitalized, it pays to be nice to your nurse, even when you're feeling miserable. A bossy businessman learned this the hard way after ordering his nurses around as if they were his employees. But the head nurse stood up to him. One morning she entered his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature."

After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth. "No, I'm sorry," the nurse stated," but for this reading, I can't use an oral thermometer." This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his bottom. After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay just like that until I get back!" She left the door to his room open on her way out, and he cursed
under his breath as he heard people walking past his door laughing. After almost an hour, the man's doctor came into the room.

"What's going on here?" asked the doctor. Angrily, the man answers, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?"

"Yes," said the doctor. "But never with a carnation."
 

What is 40 feet long and smells like urine?

Line dancing at the nursing home.
 

Q: How do you make a skeleton?

A: Hose down a leper
 

A 60 year old man went to a doctor for a check-up.

The doctor told him, "You're in terrific shape. There's nothing wrong with you. Why, you might live forever; you have the body of a 35 year old. By the way, how old was your father when he died?"

The 60 year old responded, "Did I say he was dead?"

The doctor was surprised and asked, "How old is he and is he very active?"

The 60 year old responded, "Well, he is 82 years old and he still goes skiing three times a season and surfing three times a week during the summer."

The doctor couldn't believe it! So he said, "Well, how old was your grandfather when he died?"

The 60 year old responded again, "Did I say he was dead?"

The doctor was astonished. He said, "You mean to tell me you are 60 years old and both your father and your grandfather are alive? Is your grandfather very active?"

The 60 year old said, "He goes skiing at least once a season and surfing once a week during the summer. Not only that," said the patient, "my grandfather is 106 years old, and next week he is getting married again."

The doctor said, "At 106 years why on earth would your grandfather wants to get married?"

His patient looked up at the doctor and said, "Did I say he wanted to?"
 

Medical Deduction

"Note the deformation of the joints due to rheumatic arthritis," lectured the medical school professor, waving his pointer at the illuminated X-ray.

"In addition, this patient limps because of damage to the right tibia-note the pronounced curvature-sustained in an industrial accident."

Turning to the roomful of aspiring radiologists, the professor asked, "Now tell me, in a case like this, what would you do?"

One student stuck up his hand. "Well sir," he offered, "I bet I'd limp too."
 

A psychologist received this postcard from a vacationing patient:

"Having a wonderful time. Why?"
 

How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?

Only one, but the light bulb has to WANT to change.
 

A gynecologist had a strong desire to change careers and become an auto-mechanic. So he found out from his local tech college what was involved, signed up for evening classes and attended diligently, learning all he could. Time for the practical exam came around and he prepared carefully and completed the exam.

When the results came back, he was surprised to find he had
obtained a mark of 150%.

Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wondered if there had been an error which needs adjusting."

The instructor replied, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark. Then I gave you an extra 50% because you did
all of it THROUGH the exhaust pipe!"
 

Linda Tripp has been feeling a little upset lately - she turned on her only friend in the world, other than that cucumber she saves for those 'special times'...

Then she caught her little press conference on the Evening News, and was horrified that her voice quavered like a bad cartoon character, not to mention looking like a Pro Wrestler in drag..

So, needing a mental boost, Linda decided to make herself a long-overdue appointment with a psychiatrist.

When she walked into his office, she said, "Doctor, I'm so depressed and lonely. I don't have any friends, no man will come near me, and everybody just laughs at me. Can you help me accept my ugliness?"

"I'm sure I can," the psychiatrist replied. "Just go on over there and lie face down on that couch."
 

In an interview before Viagra...

Alan King once asked George Burns what sex was like for an old guy like him..

"Like shooting pool with a rope.", Burns replied.

------------ ------------

I heard that a truck loaded with Viagra crashed into the Willamette River in Oregon and now .. none of the bridges will come down...

------------ ------------

The marketers of Viagra have a new slogan, "Let the Dance Begin". This is better than the original, "Brace Yourself, Grandma!" (Leno)

------------ ------------

Mix Viagra and Prozac and you have a guy who is ready to go, but doesn't really care where.

------------ ------------

Did you hear they started giving Viagra to the old men in nursing homes throughout the U.S. ?

It keeps them from rolling out of bed!
 

A lady walked into a pharmacy and spoke to the pharmacist. She asked, Do you have Viagra?"

"Yes," he answered.

She asked, "Does it work?"

"Yes," he answered.
"Can you get it over the counter?" she asked.

"I can if I take two," he answered.

While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have you been bedridden?"

After a look of complete confusion she answered, "Why, not for about twenty years, when my husband was last alive."

********************

At the beginning of my shift, I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I instructed. "Yes, they used to be," the patient said sadly.
 

A fellow was sitting in the doctor's waiting room, and said to himself every so often, "Lord I hope I'm sick!"

After about the 5th or 6th time, the receptionist couldn't stand it any longer and asked, "Why in the world would you want to be sick Mr. Adams?"

The man replied, "I'd hate to be well & feel like this."
 

A man at a nursing home took Viagra and went to the lunch room, where the residents were playing Bingo. To get their attention he yelled out, "SUPER SEX!,

"Super Sex!" The ladies yelled back, "I want the SOUP!" "Soup, Please." "Oh, I'd love some soup!"
 

Generic Viagra is sold under the name Fix-a-Flat.

New Viagra eye drops make you look hard.

Viagra in Spanish, we're told, is "viejos agradecidos" or "greated old guys" (sic).
 

Viagra has been a big boon to 'stand up' comedians.

The man spent too much money on Viagra: Now, he's hard up.

Viagra in chocolate bars - you eat it, She says, "Oh, Oh Henry!"

A bank sign in Dallas during this heat wave complains: "Who put Viagra in the thermometer?"
 

Bread with Viagra as an added ingredient is being marketed through a Boston bakery under the name "Pepperidge Firm".

Did you hear about the first death from an overdose of Viagra? A man took twelve pills and his wife died.

A man at the pharmacy to pick up his Viagra prescription exclaimed over the $10/pill price. His wife, who was with him, had a different opinion: "Oh, $40 a year isn't too bad."

...Then there was the man who got his Viagra tablet stuck in his throat and suffered from a stiff neck.

 

So Bob--

Have you heard about the new generic form of Viagra?

Its called--MYCOCKSARISEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Have you tried the new hot beverage, Viagraccino? One cup and you're up all night.

How many doses of Viagra does it take to change a light bulb? One little tablet, and it's a whole new bulb.

Men are being warned not to take Viagra with nitrates after five gentlemen in India did so and changed the balance of power in the region.

The Viagra computer virus turns your floppy disk into a hard drive. The Viagra Super virus then sucks all your data off the hard drive.
 

If you're depressed and think you might need Viagra, see a professional. If that doesn't work, see a doctor!

A guy named Dave e-mailed us that he left his Viagra tablet in his shirt pocket when he sent it to the laundry. Now, his shirt is too stiff to wear.

We received the report today that it is no longer necessary to stake tomatoes. Just dissolve a Viagra tablet in the water and they stand up straight and tall.

Viagra is now being compared to Disneyland - a one-hour wait for a 2-minute ride.
 

Dan Quail does not support Viagra. Quote: "I've been using this stuff for a week and NOTHING! It's the worst suppository I've ever used."

Men taking iron supplements are warned that taking Viagra may cause them to spin around and point north.

Rumor has it that when a truck carrying a load of Viagra slid off into the Ohio River, all the lift bridges suddenly went up.

New plans are being made to raise the Titanic. Experts plan to pump it full of Viagra, and expect it to raise right up.
 

For years the medical professional has been looking after the ill, to make them better. Now, with Viagra, they're raising the dead!

The difference between Niagara and Viagra? Niagara Falls.

It's been said that if you take Viagra and Propecia (or use Rogain) at the same time, things work great -- but you look like Don King, afterward.

A Viagra delivery truck was high-jacked: The police are looking for two 'hardened criminals.' They expect a stiff penalty under the penal code.
 

Unconfirmed but frequent reports tell us that a man who overdosed on Viagra caused the funeral home problems - they couldn't close his coffin lid for 3 days.

Even so, we're told that the funeral home industry is happy about Viagra overdoses: Lots of new stiffs means an upswing in business.

We loved Newsweek's comments on the trade name Microsoft, to wit: Let's see... "Micro" and "Soft". Needs Viagra
 

POSSIBLE SLOGANS PROMOTING NATIONAL CONDOM WEEK

1. COVER YOUR STUMP BEFORE YOU HUMP

2. BEFORE YOU ATTACK HER, WRAP YOUR WHACKER

3. DON'T BE SILLY,PROTECT YOUR WILLY

4. WHEN IN DOUBT, SHROUD YOUR SPOUT

5. DON'T BE A LONER, COVER YOUR BONER

6. YOU CANT GO WRONG IF YOU SHIELD YOUR DONG

7. IF YOU'RE NOT GOIN TO SACK IT, GO HOME AND WHACK IT

8. IF YOU THINK SHE'S SPUNKY COVER YOUR MONKEY

9. IF YOU SLIP BETWEEN HER THIGHS, BE SURE TO CONDOMIZE

10. IT WILL BE SWEETER IF YOU WRAP YOUR PETER

11. SHE WONT GET SICK IF YOU WRAP YOUR STICK

12. IF YOU GO IN TO HEAT, PACKAGE YOUR MEAT

13. WHILE YOUR UNDRESSING VENUS, DRESS UP YOUR PENIS

14. ESPECIALLY IN DECEMBER, GIFT WRAP YOUR MEMBER

15. NEVER, NEVER DECK HER WITH AN UNWRAPPED PECKER

16. DONT BE A FOOL, VULCANIZE YOUR TOOL

17. THE RIGHT SELECTION WILL PROTECT YOUR ERECTION

18. WRAP IT IN FOIL BEFORE CHECKING HER OIL

19. A CRANK WITH ARMOR WILL NEVER HARM HER

20. NO GLOVE, NO LOVE!
 

A guy went to the dentist to have his teeth checked.

While he was sitting in the chair, the dentist asked him, "Have you performed oral sex recently?"

Slightly uncomfortable, the guy replied: "Yes, this morning. I suppose I've got a hair stuck in my teeth? "

The dentist shook his head. "No, as a matter of fact, the tip of your nose is covered in shit."
 

A woman went to see her psychiatrist.

"I'm really concerned," she said. "The other day I found my daughter and the little boy next door together, naked, examining each other's bodies and giggling."

The psychiatrist smiled. "That's nothing to worry about, it's pretty normal."

"Well, I don't know," said the woman "It worries me.

It worries my daughter's husband too."
 

An inmate went to see the prison doctor, and was astonished to be told that he needed to have one of his kidneys removed.

"Look," said the prisoner, "You've already removed my tonsils, my adenoids, my spleen, and my gall-bladder, and now you want one of my kidneys.

I only came to you to see if you could get me out of here.

"And that's exactly what I am doing," he replied, "bit by bit!"
 

An elderly bloke goes to his doctor to get the results of a check-up.

He sits down, and notices that the doctor has a grave look on his face.

"Some bad news, I'm afraid. The worst of it is that you have cancer, and only have 3 months to live."

The elderly bloke is devastated. "Is there more, doctor?"

"Yes, I'm afraid there is," replies the doctor. "You have Alzheimer's."

The elderly bloke's face lights up. "Thank God! I was sure I had cancer!"
 

The doctor was caught in bed with the farmer's wife and explained to the shocked husband that he was only taking her temperature.

The farmer took his shotgun, primed it and said, "I guess you know what you're doing, doc, but that thing had better have numbers on it when you take it out."
 

Last week I sent my wife for plastic surgery, they cut here credit cards in half.

******

There is a new operation where they can change a woman into a man. It's called Addadictome.

******

Dr Smythe had just informed his patient that he only had three minutes to live. The patient looked up wistfully and said, "There must be something you could do for me!"

"Well," replied the doctor, "I could boil you an egg.."

******

"Doctor, doctor. I need some pills. I've become a kleptomaniac."

"Try these," said the doctor, "and if they don't work, get me a CD player."

******

"Doctor, doctor. Every time I sit down, I see visions of Mickey Mouse and Pluto, every time I stand up, I see Donald Duck."

"How long have you been having these Disney spells?"
 

What's the difference between a genealogist and a gynaecologist?

One looks up the family tree, the other looks up the family bush.

******

"Doctor, Doctor, I've got five penises," said the worried man. "How do your trousers fit?" asked the doctor. "No problem, they fit like a glove."
 

A man who was having heart trouble went to the doctor to see what his options were.

Naturally, the doctor recommended a heart transplant.

The man reluctantly agreed, and asked if there were any hearts immediately available, considering that money was no object.

"I do have three hearts," said the doctor. "The first is from an18-year old kid, non-smoker, athletic, swimmer, with a great diet. He hit his head on the swimming pool and died. It's$100,000.

The second is from a marathon runner, 24 years old, great condition, very strong. He got hit by a bus. It's$150,000.

The third is from a heavy drinker, cigar smoker, and a steak lover. It's $500,000."

"Hey, why is that heart so expensive? He lived a terrible life!"

"Yeah, but it's from a lawyer and never been used."   
 

Three woman and their children were outside their psychiatrist's office. The wily old doctor was able to diagnose any complaint after asking the patient a few questions.

The first woman went in and the doctor asked her a few questions and proclaimed: "Madam, all you ever think is food! That is why you named you daughter Candy!" "Why," exclaimed the woman, "you're absolutely right, doctor!"

Then it was the second woman's turn. She got the same treatment and the doctor pronounced: "Madam, you're obsessed with the thought of money. That is why you named you daughter Penny!" "You're right, doctor!" exclaimed the second woman and left.

The third woman, who had been listening to all this, got up indignantly and said: "What rubbish! I don't believe a single word you said. Obsessions indeed!" Then waving to her little son to follow her, she said: "Let's go home now Dick."
 

Psychiatric Voice Mail

If you are calling from a touch tone phone, please listen carefully to the following options and again, thank you for calling.

If you are obsessive compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2

If you have multiple personalities, please press 3,4, 5, & 6

If you are paranoid delusional, we know who you are and what you want. And we have already traced the call...

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which button to press.

If you are manic depressive, it doesn't matter which button you press. No one will answer.

If you are delusional, and occasionally hallucinate, please be aware that the thing you are holding at the side of your head is alive and about to bite your ear off.
 

One day, Ken complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor." His friend offered, "Don't do that!!! There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything, quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $50.00."

Ken figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $50.00. The computer started making some noises and the various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed:

You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy labour. It will be better in two weeks.

Late that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.

He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $50.00. The machine again made the usual noise and printed out the following analysis:

Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Give him vitamins. Your daughter's using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife's pregnant - twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, you're never going to fix that tennis elbow."
 

A guy had been feeling down for so long that he finally decided to seek the aid of a psychiatrist.

He went there, laid on the couch, spilled his guts then waited for the profound wisdom of the psychiatrist to make him feel better.

The psychiatrist asked me a few questions, took some notes then sat thinking in silence for a few minutes with a puzzled look on his face.

Suddenly, he looked up with an expression of delight and said, "Um, I think your problem is low self-esteem. It is very common among losers."…
 

A beautiful young girl is about to undergo a minor operation. She's laid on a hospital trolley bed with nothing on, except a sheet over her. The nurse pushes the trolley down the corridor towards the operating theatre, where she leaves the girl on the trolley outside, while she goes in to check whether everything is ready.

A young man wearing a white coat approaches, lifts the sheet up and starts examining her naked body. He puts the sheet back and then walks away and talks to another man in a white coat. The second man comes over, lifts the sheet and does the same examinations.

When a third man does the same thing, but more closely, she grows impatient and says: "All these examinations are fine and appreciated, but when are you going to start the operation?"

The man in the white coat shrugged his shoulders: "I have no idea. We're just painting the corridor."
 

A surgeon went to check on his very famous patient after an operation. She was awake, so he examined her. "You'll be fine," he said.

She asked, "How long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again doctor?"

The surgeon seemed to pause, which alarmed the girl.

"What's the matter Doctor? I will be all right, won't I?"

He replied, "Yes, you'll be fine, Miss Lewinsky

It's just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out."
 

A sociologist, a psychologist, and a computer programmer were discussing the consequences and implications of a married man having a mistress. The sociologist's opinion was that it is absolutely and categorically unforgivable for a married man to forfeit the bond of matrimony, and engage in such lowly and lustful pursuits.

The psychologist's opinion was that although morally reprehensible, if a man MUST have a mistress to achieve his full potential as a human being, then -- well -- he may go ahead and choose to have a mistress, as long as he is considerate enough to keep this secret from his wife.

The programmer then interjected: "I also believe that, if necessary, a married man is entitled to a mistress. However, I do not see why the affair should be concealed from the wife. On the contrary, if the affair is out in the open, then on Friday evenings he may tell his wife that he is going to see his mistress, tell his mistress that he is going to be with his wife, then go to his office and get some work done!"
 

A DOCTOR HAS BEEN GOING INTO THIS ONE BAR FOR QUITE SOME TIME,

AND EVERYTIME HE ORDERS A HAZELNUT DAQUIRI.

EVERY DAY THE BARTENDER HAS ONE ALREADY WAITING FOR HIM. 

ONE DAY, AS THE BARTENDER WAS GETTING READY TO FIX THE DAQUIRI HE NOTICE HE WAS OUT OF HAZELNUT EXTRACT SO INSTEAD HE USED HICKORYNUT. 

THE DOCTOR COMES IN AND TASTES THE DAQUAIRI AND EXCLAIMS IT IS NOT A HAZELNUT DAQUIRI.  THE BARTENDER SAYS...................................  

NOPE, IT'S A HICKORY DAQUIRI DOC!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 
 

A guy goes to the optometrist.

The doctor tells him, "You've got to stop masturbating!"

"Why Doc," he asked, "am I going blind?"

"No," the doctor explained, "but you're upsetting the other patients!"
 

She left the door to his room open on her way out, and he cursed under his breath as he heard people walking past his door laughing. After almost an hour, the man's doctor came into the room. "What's going on here?" asked the doctor.

Angrily, the man answered, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?" "Yes," said the doctor. "But never with a carnation."
 

Dr Smythe had just informed his patient that he only had three minutes to live. The patient looked up wistfully and said, "There must be something you could do for me!"

"Well," replied the doctor, "I could boil you an egg.."

******

"Doctor, doctor. I need some pills. I've become a kleptomaniac."

"Try these," said the doctor, "and if they don't work, get me a CD player."

******

"Doctor, doctor. Every time I sit down, I see visions of Mickey Mouse and Pluto, every time I stand up, I see Donald Duck."

"How long have you been having these Disney spells?"
 

An elderly guy goes to his doctor to get the results of a check-up. He sits down, and notices that the doctor has a grave look on his face.

"Some bad news, I'm afraid. The worst of it is that you have cancer, and only have 3 months to live."

The elderly bloke is devastated. "Is there more, doctor?"

"Yes, I'm afraid there is," replies the doctor. "You have Alzheimer's." The elderly bloke's face lights up.

"Thank God! I was sure I had cancer!"
 

A depressed man turned to his friend in the pub and said, "I woke up this morning and felt so bad that I tried to kill myself by taking 60 aspirins." "Oh, that's really bad," said his friend, "What happened?" "Well, after the first two, I felt much better."

******

What's the difference between a genealogist and a gynaecologist?

One looks up the family tree, the other looks up the family bush.

******

"Doctor, Doctor, I've got five penises," said the worried man. "How do your trousers fit?" asked the doctor. "No problem, they fit like a glove."

******

Last week I sent my wife for plastic surgery, they cut here credit cards in half.

******

There is a new operation where they can change a woman into a man. It's called Addadictome.
 

Stomach Ache.

A man was suffering from a stomach ache, so he told his wife who suggested that he try the tablets that the Doctor had given her for a similar pain.

After taking his wife's tablets for a week, the pain dissapeared but he developed two rather tender lumps behind each ear.

He went to the Doctor, showing him the lumps, and explaining what had happened.

Whereby the Doctor called him all the fools under the sun, saying, "You bloody idiot! I was treating your wife for a fallen womb, God knows how I'm going to get your balls back down".

The Baby

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examination room waiting for the doctor to come in.

The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight and asked if the baby was breast fed or bottle fed. "Breast fed" she replied.

"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered.

He pressed, kneaded, and pinched both breasts for a while in a detailed examination.

Motioning her to get dressed he said, "No wonder this baby is hungry and under weight. You don't have any milk."

"I know" she said, "I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came."
 

A guy who has a stuttering problem says to his doctor... "Ex-Ex-ex-cu-cu-se me-me d-d-oc but-but I-I have th-th-this st-st-stuttering problem and I-I-I was wo-wondering if you c-c-c-could help m-m-m-me?"

"Well, take off your clothes and get into this gown and let me check you over!"

The guy gets into the gown and the doctor begins his examination.

Finally the doctor, obviously suprised says, "I see what the problem is. Your penis is so large that it's pulling on your abdominal muscles, which in turn is causing strain on your vocal chords."

"W-w-w-well c-c-can you h-h-help m-m-me?"

"Sure I can, but we'll need to cut off about six inches!"

"G-g-go a-a-a-head,D-D-Doc,I-I-I-I can't t-t-t-take this an-anymore, d-do it!!!"

Six months later the guy goes back to the doctor. "Well doc," he says, "I must say that the operation was a great success, but my sex life really sucks and I would like my operation reversed.

Please put back what you took off!"

The doctor replies, "F-f-f-f-f-fuck off!!!"
 

A young man goes to a doctor for a physical examination. When he gets into the room, the man strips for his exam. He has a dick the size of a little kid's little finger.

A nurse standing in the room sees his "Little Willie" and begins to laugh hysterically.

The young man gives her a stern look and says, "You shouldn't laugh, it's been swollen like that for two weeks now!"
 

A doctor was in the car with her 4-year-old daughter. On the way to preschool, the girl picked up her mother's stethoscope, which had been on the seat of the car. The mother thought, "Oh, how sweet, she wants to be just like me!" Then the little girl spoke into the instrument, saying, "Welcome to McDonald's. Can I take your order?"
 

Two guys were working at a sawmill one day when one of the guys got too close to the blade and cut off his arm.

His buddy put the severed arm in a plastic bag and rushed it down to the hospital to get re-attached.

The next day he goes to see his chum, and finds him playing tennis. "Incredible!," says his friend. "Medical science is amazing."

Another month goes by and the same two guys are again at the sawmill working when the same guy gets too close to the spinning blade and this time his leg gets cut off.

Again his buddy takes the leg, puts it in a plastic bag and takes it to the hospital to get re-attached. The next day, he goes down to see his chum and finds him outside playing football. "Incredible!," says his friend. "Medical science is amazing!"

Well another month goes by and again the same two friends are at the mill cutting wood when suddenly the same guy bends down too close to the blade and off comes his head.

Well his friend takes the head, puts it in a plastic bag, and heads to the hospital to get it re-attached.

The next day he goes to see his friend but can't find him. He sees the doctor walking down the hall and says, "Doc, where is my friend? I brought him in yesterday."

The doctor thinks for a minute and says, "Oh yeah, some idiot put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated."
 

Santa Singh

There was this case in the hospital's Intensive Care ward where patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning at 11 a.m., regardless of their medical condition.

This puzzled the doctors and some even thought that it had something to do with the supernatural.

Why the death? So the doctors decide to go down to the ward to investigate the cause of the incidents.

So on the next Sunday morning few minutes before 11 a.m., all doctors and nurses nervously wait outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about.

Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books and other holy objects to ward off the evil........ Just when the clock struck 11....

Scroll down for what happened...

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Santa Singh, the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so that he could use the vacuum cleaner.

The doctor made a physical examination and listened to the symptoms, and concurred with the self-diagnosis. "I want you to come back tomorrow to start treatment. And bring a banana and a cookie with you." said the doctor.

Despite the seemingly odd request, our hero complied and returned the next day with a banana and a cookie.

The doctor then said, "Okay, now drop your pants and bend over. This is going to hurt a bit."

Although stunned by the turn of events, the patient dropped his pants and bent over.

The doctor peeled the banana and with one deft motion rammed it up the guy's rear.

While the doctor consulted his watch, our hero danced around the room shouting at the doctor. "Okay, one minute is up and we have to complete the second part of the treatment if you truly want to get rid of this tapeworm." advised the doctor.

Despite the pain, the patient did want to be cured and so complied with the order to bend over again.

Again, the doctor took the cookie and rammed IT up the patient's rear. "Okay, tomorrow I want to see you here at the same time, and bring another banana and a cookie." said the doctor.

The now humbled patient, with tears of pain in his eyes, nodded his head.

The next day, the same routine ensued. First the doctor rammed up a banana, waited exactly one minute, then rammed up the cookie.

And the next day, and the next day and the next...!! Every day UP went a banana, waited one minute, then UP went the cookie.

After one full week of treatment, the doctor finally said, "Well, tomorrow is the LAST day of treatment. I want you to bring in a banana and a hammer."

"Not a cookie?" asked the very frightened patient, trying to imagine what a hammer was going to feel like.

"Nope, a hammer." confirmed the doctor.

On the last day, the doctor said, "Okay, you know the routine".

So the man dropped his pants and bent over. UP went the banana, and the doctor looked at his watch and picked up the hammer.

One minute passed. Then two minutes. Three. Four minutes passed.

Finally, a little head poked out of the patient's rear.

"WHERE'S MY COOKIE???"

**WHAM**
 

A woman is at a doctor's office.

She begs the doctor, "Please kiss me!"

The doctor says, "No!"

She asks again, "Doctor please kiss me."

The doctor says, "No!"

Once more she begs the doctor: "Doctor please kiss me!"

The doctor says, "No! I probably shouldn't even be fucking you."
 

You Gotta Help Me Doc, I’m An Idiot!

Doctor: "Ask the accident victim his name so we can notify his family."

Nurse: "I did! He said his family already knows his name."
 

You Gotta Help Me Doc, I’m Losing My Memory!

An agitated patient was stomping around the psychiatrist's office, running his hands through his hair, almost in tears.

"Doctor, my memory's gone. Gone! I can't remember my wife's name.

Can't remember my children's names.

Can't remember what kind of car I drive.

Can't remember where I work....

It was all I could do to find my way here."

"Calm down. How long have you been like this?"

"Like what?"
 

A man went into his shrink's office and says, "Doc, you have got to help me! Every night I keep dreaming that I'm a sports car.

The other night I dreamed I was a Trans Am.

Another night I dreamed I was an Alpha Romero.

Last night I dreamed I was a Porche.

What does this mean?"

"Relax," says the doctor calmly,

"You're just having an auto-body experience.""

 

The doctor entered the waiting room.

"I have some good news for you, Mrs. Douglas."

"Pardon me," she interrupted, "but it's Miss."

"The doctor says, "I have some bad news for you, Miss Douglas."

 

Psychiatric Hotline

Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline Telephone Dialing Instructions:

If you ar obsessive-comuplsive, please press 1...repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are a paranoid-delusional, there is no need to press anything. We already know who you are and what you want.

If you are schizophrenic, listen very carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it dosen't matter what number you press. No one will answer you.

If you are delusional and occasionally hallucinate, please be aware that the thing you are holding on the side of your head is alive and about to bite off you ear
 

This guy has a problem and goes to the doctor. The doctor asks, "What's the problem?" The guy pulls down his pants and pulls out his rather large and fat penis. The doctor asks, "That's your problem?" The guy replies, "Yes. Everytime I go on a date I smell the girl's perfume and when we get close I get this tent in my pants and it scares the girl off!" The doctor says, "I can't give medication for this. But I have a suggestion. Next time you go on a date try strapping it to your leg and that should hold it down."

A couple of days later the doctor ran into the guy on the street and asked, "So, how did it go?"

The guy replied, "I strapped it to my leg like you told me. Then I went on the date with the girl and everything was going well until it came time to take her home. I walked her up to the porch and she told me that she had a great time. Then we kissed. While kissing she dropped her purse. When she bent down to pick it up I got a shot down her shirt and I got excited and kicked her right in the face!"
 

Dan wakes up on Monday morning, staggers into the bathroom and turns on the shower. He begins to lather up and notices that his dick is bright orange. He is really concerned, but it doesn't hurt and he feels normal.

He finishes his shower, gets dressed and goes on to work. During his mid-morning break, he goes into the men's room to take a leak. While standing in front of the urinal, a co-worker comes in and sees his bright orange dick and exclaims, ''Holy Shit! Your dick is bright orange!'' Dan tells his co-worker that he feels just fine and his dick doesn't hurt. His co-worker advises him to go to the company doctor as soon as possible cause it looks like it could be serious.

Dan goes to the company doctor and, after a through examination, the doctor says, ''You seem to be fine and all of the tests seem to be normal. Did you do anything out of the ordinary over the weekend?'' Dan scratches his head and says, ''No. Not that I can think of. All I did was stay home, watch porno movies and eat Cheetos.''
 

Nancy goes to the gynecologist and he examines her. He says, “You have acute vaginitis”

She says, “Thank you”
 

Q. What do you call a Florida gynecologist?

A. A spreader of old wives' tails...
 

A man goes to a psychiatrist and says, "Doctor, you must help me.

Every night I dream that I'm driving a truck from Pittsburgh to New York.

I'm so tired I can hardly get up in the morning."

Doctor says, "Tell you what. Next time you have this dream, just call me and I'll come over and drive the truck for you."

The man tries it, and he is cured.

Later another patient comes in and tells the doctor, "I keep having this same dream every night. I'm making love to four beautiful women, and by morning I'm totally exhausted. Can you help me?"

Doctor says, "Tell you what, next time you have this dream, just call me and I'll come and take a couple of them off your hands."

Two weeks later the man goes back to the psychiatrist and says, "Doc, you gotta help me. Now these women are bringing their friends, and they're all getting so demanding. I'm so tired I can barely get through the day. Can't you do something?"

"You should have called me like I told you." said the doctor “I’d take a couple of them off your hands."

"But Doc," the man said, "I've been calling you every night, and your service keeps telling me you're out driving a truck from Pittsburgh to New York."
 

An English guy was very ill and his son went to visit him in the hospital.

Suddenly, the father began to breathe heavily and grabbed the pen and pad by the bed. With his last ounce of strength he wrote a note, dropped it, and died.

The son was so overcome with grief that he didn't remember slipping the note into his pocket. At the funeral, he reached into the pocket of his coat and immediately felt the note.

He excitedly read it thinking it might be something he could recite during the service. It said:

YOU JERK! -- GET OFF MY OXYGEN PIPE!!!
 

One day, after a man had his annual physical, the doctor came out and said, "You had a great checkup. Is there anything that you'd like to ask me?"

"Well," he said, "I was thinking about getting a vasectomy."

"That's a pretty big decision. Have you talked it over with your family?"

"Yeah, and they're in favor 15 to 2."
 

Two guys both have 9 a.m. appointments at a vasectomy clinic.

A nubile young nurse greets them and tells them she's going to prep them for surgery and takes them to a room.

She tells the first guy to take off his clothes and sit on an exam table, which he does. She then takes his manhood in her hand and begins to masturbate him.

''Whoa!'' he says, ''What's going on?''

She replies that it is all standard procedure, and that she has to ensure that he has no blockages.

The guy thinks, ''How bad can it be?'' So he agrees and allows the nurse to finish her task.

Once done, the nurse tells him to go sit down, and repeats the instructions to the second guy.

When he is up on the exam table, the nurse licks her lips, and begins to perform a blow job on him.

Upon seeing this, the first guy says, ''Hey, what's this?

I get jerked off, and he gets a blow job.

That's not fair.'' The nurse looks up at the first guy and says, ''Sorry, buddy.

That's the difference between Blue Cross and an HMO.''
 

Health Alert further proof that the long term implications of drugs/procedures must be fully considered ......

Over the past few years more money has been spent on breast and penis implants, and Viagra than on Alzheimer's. In a few years we will have a lot of people running around with huge breasts and long penises and they won't remember what to do with them.

.... so plan accordingly!

A distraught patient phoned her doctor's office. "Is it true," the woman wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life"?

"Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her.

There was a moment of silence before the woman continued, "I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition. This prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS.'"
 

Red Ring

A man goes to his doctor and says, ''Doctor, Doctor, please help me!

I've got a problem.'' The doctor examines the man and finds the man has a red ring around his penis.

The doctor gives him an ointment to rub on the problem area.

''It's all cleared up!'' the man reports when he returns. ''But what was that medication you gave me?''

''Lipstick remover.''
 

Did you hear about the theft at the Viagra factory?

The police are looking for some hardened criminals!

What's green and yellow and eats nuts?

Gonorrhea.

.

A man went to visit his doctor. "Doc, my arm hurts bad. Can you check it out please?" the man pleads.
The doctor rolls up the man's sleeve and suddenly hears the arm talk. "Hello, Doctor'; says the arm. "Could you lend me twenty bucks please? I'm desperate!"

"Aha!'' says the doctor.

''I see the problem. Your arm is broke!"
 

A Brief History Of Medicine

I have an earache.

2000 B.C. - Here, eat this root.

1000 A.D. - That root is heathen, say this prayer.

1850 A.D. - That prayer is superstition, drink this potion.

1940 A.D. - That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill.

1985 A.D. - That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic.

2002 A.D. - That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root.
 

"Doc," says Steve, "I want to be castrated."
"What on earth for?" asks the doctor in amazement.

"It's something I've been thinking about for a long time and I want to have it done" replies Steve.

"But have you thought it through properly?" asks the doctor, "It's a very serious operation and once it's done, there's no going back. It will change your life forever!"

"I'm aware of that and you're not going to change my mind -- either you book me in to be castrated or I'll simply go to another doctor."

"Well, OK.", says the doctor, "But it's against my better judgment!"

So Steve has his operation, and the next day he is up and walking very slowly, legs apart, down the hospital corridor with his drip stand. Heading towards him is another patient, who is walking exactly the same way.

"Hi there," says Steve,"It looks as if you've just had the same operation as me."

"Well," said the patient, "I finally decided after 37 years of life that I would like to be circumcised."

Steve stared at him in horror and screamed, "Shit! THAT'S the word!”
 

A doctor at an (insane) asylum decided to take his inmates to a baseball game. For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his commands. When the day of the game arrived, everything seemed to be going well.
As the national anthem started, the doctor yelled, ''Up nuts!''

And the inmates complied by standing up. After the anthem he yelled, ''Down nuts!'' And they all sat.

After a home run he yelled, ''Cheer nuts!'' And they all broke into applause and cheers.

Thinking things were going very well, he decided to go get a beer and a hot dog, leaving his assistant in charge.

When he returned there was a riot in progress. Finding his assistant, he asked what happened.

The assistant replied, ''Well...everything was fine until some guy walked by and yelled, ''PEANUTS!''
 

A guy walks into a doctor's office.

He has a sausage coming out of his ear, a waffle coming out of his nose, and bacon coming out of his other ear.

He says worriedly, "Doc, what's wrong with me?!?"

The doctor replies, ''You're not eating properly.''
 

A woman pregnant with her first child paid a visit to her obstetrician's office.

After the exam, she shyly said, ''My husband wants me to ask you...,'' to which the doctor replies, ''I know, I know,'' placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder. ''I get asked that all the time.

Sex is fine until late in the pregnancy.''

''No, that's not it,'' the woman confessed.

''He wants to know if I can still mow the lawn.''
 

Woman: Can I get Viagra here?

Pharmacist: Yes.

Woman: Can I get it over the counter?

Pharmacist: If you give me two of them, you can.
 

The Blood Test

Mr. Smith goes to the doctor's office to collect his wife's test results.

Receptionist: "I'm sorry, sir, but there has been a bit of a mix-up and we
have a problem. When we sent the samples from your wife to the lab, the
samples from another Mrs. Smith were sent as well and we are now uncertain
which one is your wife's. And frankly, that's either bad or terrible.

Mr. Smith: "What do you mean?"

Receptionist: "Well, one Mrs. Smith has tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other for AIDS. We can't tell which is your wife's."

Mr. Smith: "That's terrible! Can we do the test over?"

Receptionist: "Normally, yes, but you have an HMO and they won't pay for these expensive tests more than once."

Mr. Smith: "Well, what am I supposed to do now?"

Receptionist: "The doctor recommends that you drop your wife off in themiddle of town. If she finds her way home, don't sleep with her."
 

A doctor examined a woman and took her husband aside. "I don't want to alarm you," he said, "but I don't like the way your wife looks at all."

"Me neither, Doc." said the husband. "But she's a great cook and real good with the kids."
 

I took my daughter to the doctor for her 2-year-old check. They had her do coordination tests, like stacking blocks, and they watch and see if they walk properly. And then the doctor said, "Allison, can you stand on one foot for me?" So she walked over and stood on his foot.
 

Then the professor started the class by telling them: "In medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor: The first is that it is necessary that you don't get disgusted."

The Professor uncovered the sheet, sunk his finger in the butt of the dead body, withdrew it and sucked it.

"Go ahead and do the same thing" he told his students.

The students freaked out, hesitated and subsequently taking turns, sunk their finger in the butt of the dead body and sucked it after withdrawing it.

When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and told them: "The second important quality is observation. I inserted the middle finger and sucked the index. Pay attention people!!!"

 

Medical Charts

* Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

* Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

* On the second day, the knee was better, and then on the third day it disappeared.

* The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

* The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

* Discharge status: Alive, but without my permission.

* Healthy-appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.

* The patient refused autopsy.

* The patient has no previous history of suicides.

* Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.

* Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40-pound weight gain in the last three days.

* Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

* Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.

* Since she can't get pregnant with her husband, I thought you might want to work her up.

* She is numb from her toes down.

* While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.

* The skin was moist and dry.

* Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.

* Patient was alert and unresponsive.

* She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got a divorce.

* Rectal examination revealed a normal-size thyroid.

* I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

* Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

* Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus-sized.

* The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

* The patient was to have a bowel resection.

* However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead.

* Skin: somewhat pale but present.

* The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
* Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. ____, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.
* Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.

* She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was hot in bed last night.

* Patient was found in bed with her power mower.

 

Medical Charts : All of the comments you are about to read were taken directly off of their Medical Charts.

* Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

* Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

* On the second day, the knee was better, and then on the third day it disappeared.

* The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

* The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

* Discharge status: Alive, but without my permission.

* Healthy-appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.

* The patient refused autopsy.

* The patient has no previous history of suicides.

* Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.

* Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40-pound weight gain in the last three days.

* Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

* Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.

* Since she can't get pregnant with her husband, I thought you might want to work her up.

* She is numb from her toes down.

* While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.

* The skin was moist and dry.

* Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.

* Patient was alert and unresponsive.

* She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got a divorce.

* Rectal examination revealed a normal-size thyroid.

* I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

* Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

* Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus-sized.

* The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

* The patient was to have a bowel resection.

* However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead.

* Skin: somewhat pale but present.

* The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

* Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. ____, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.

* Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.

* She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was hot in bed last night.

* Patient was found in bed with her power mower.
 

The shopkeeper is a little surprised that such a young man would be needing a hearing aid, but he has him sit down and proceeds with the examination. Attempting to look into the ear, he is faced with a wad of cheesy material oozing out. Using an instrument, he carefully removes this material, thinking "Oh my, this young man must have a serious infection."

Once he reaches the end of the cheesy layer, he comes upon a reddish impacted mass. "Oh lord! This is more serious than I thought!" he thinks. Using a syringe and water, he gently flushes out this dried ichor, leaving an ugly red liquid in the drainage tray.

Again he probes the ear with the scope to insure that all the material is removed, but he spies a glutenous mass covering the eardrum. Using forceps and the greatest of care, he snips at the edge of the mass and pulls it out of the ear canal.

A close examination after this reveals the perfect ear of a twenty year old man.

"Young man, I don't think you need a hearing aid." pronounces the shopkeeper, wiping his brow.

"What?" snarls the young man.

"I said 'YOU DON'T NEED A HEARING AID. There's no charge.'"

"Are you sure? Do you expect a tip?" the man responds in an agitated tone.

"No. No tip required. You are a lucky young man."

"Good." the man remarks as he walks out the door. "That's a helluva lot better attitude than that fuckin pizza delivery driver had."

Dr. Leroy, head psychiatrist at the local mental hospital, is examining patients to see if they're ready to re-enter society.

"So, Mr. Clark," the doctor says to one of his patients, "I see by your chart that you've been recommended for dismissal. Do you have any idea what you might do once you're released?"

The patient thinks for a moment, then replies; "Well, I went to school for mechanical engineering. That's still a good field, good money there. But on the other hand, I might write a book about my experience here in the hospital, what it's like to be a patient here. People might be interested in reading a book like that.

In addition, I might go back to college and study art history, which I've grown interested in lately."

Dr. Leroy nods and says, "Yes, those all sound like intriguing possibilities."

The patient replies, "And the best part is, in my spare time, I can go on being a teapot."
 

Dentist

A lady walked into a dentist's office, took off all her clothes, and spread her legs.

The dentist said, "I think you have the wrong room."

"You put in my husband's teeth last week," the lady said. "Now you have to remove them."
 

A young girl hadn't been feeling well, so she went to her family doctor.

The doctor ran some tests and then told her she was pregnant.

The girl said, "I can't be! The only men I've been around are nudists from my colony and we only practice sex with our eyes."

"Well, my dear," said the doctor. "Someone in that colony must be cockeyed."
 

A young boy of four was going into hospital to have his tonsils removed.

He told his playmate, "I'll be gone for awhile I have to have surgery."

On the day he was admitted his mother asked, "Doctor, could you please circumcise him while he is asleep?"

The Doctor agreed. The boy woke up and was very sore down there for several days.

After about a week he got to see his playmate again.

The playmate informed him that he was also going to have to have his tonsils out soon.

He asked him to tell him about the surgery. The little boy replied, "all I can tell you is your tonsils ain't where you think they are."
 

A guy goes to see a doctor and when they get into the private room the doctor says to the patient, "What seems to be the problem?"

The patient answers, "You have to promise not to laugh." The doctors said fine, and the patient pulls down his pants and the doctor tried not to laugh at his small dick. The doctor managed to ask, "What's the problem?"

The patient then said, "It's swollen."
 

As he is walking out he notices a guy pretending to be swinging a hockey stick.

Curious, he asks: What are you doing?

The guy replies: I'm Wayne Gretzky, and I'm practicing my shot. Satisfied with the answer the visitor moves on down the hall.

He notices another guy pretending to be playing golf. Curious, he asks: What are you doing?

The guy replies: I'm Tiger woods and I'm practicing my golf. Satisfied with this response the visitor again moves on down the hall.

He then sees another guy sitting in a chair in the nude with a jar of peanuts beside him. This guy takes a peanut, places it on his dick, waits a minute, then flicks into his mouth.

Again, curious he asks: What are you doing? The guy replies: I'M FUCKING NUTS!

 

Phil was mystified because he felt great but everyone he met told him he looked terrible.

After several weeks of this, he decided to see Dr. Shwartz.

The good doctor listened to Phil's symptoms and then went to his imposing shelf of medical books.

After thumbing through several of the thickest tomes, he turned to Phil and said: "Sir, according to the most authoritative information at my disposal, if you feel great but look terrible you're a vagina."
 

Doctor: "I'm afraid I have some good news and some bad news, Miss Hottwot."

Miss Hottwot: "Well, give me the good news first, Doc."

Doctor: "Your lab tests came back today, and your crabs are all gone."news?"

Doctor: "We don't know what killed them."
 

Researchers released a list of foods and activities to help combat osteoporosis, the dread disorder that leaches calcium from the bones as people age.

The distinguished lead scientist mounts the podium to make his announcement and gives the highlights of the list. To no one's surprise, broccoli and cauliflower are
there, and the researchers also encourage regular exercise, such as walking, running, cycling or swimming to prevent calcium loss from the bones.

But, one reporter, reading ahead, shouts from the front row, "You've got kissing on the list as a way to prevent osteoporosis! There isn't any calcium in a kiss!"

The scientist replied calmly, "In a good kiss, there's enough calcium to make a bone about 6 inches long."
 

A four year old was at the pediatrician for a check up.

As the doctor looked down her ears with an otoscope, he asked, "Do you think I'll find Big Bird in here?"

The little girl stayed silent.

Next, the doctor took a tongue depressor and looked down her throat. He asked, "Do you think I'll find the Cookie Monster down there"

Again, the little girl was silent.

Then the doctor put a stethoscope to her chest. As he listened to her heart beat, he asked, "Do you think I'll hear Barney in there?"

"Oh, no!" the little girl replied. "Jesus is in my heart. Barney's on my underpants."
 

Medical / Sex Facts

1. It takes 116 muscles to climax, but only 17 to smile. (But who cares?)

2. Sex makes you alert and ready to face the world ... it's an ideal substitute for a hot breakfast.

3. The greater the orgasm, the deeper the sleep. Multiple orgasms (20 or more per hour) can induce a coma and near-fusion with the mattress.

4. Eat and drink sensibly. The combination of alcohol and sex, especially after long abstinence, can cause spontaneous fizzle.

5. Improved breath control increases oxygen supply throughout entire body, prevents asphyxiation during mighty kisses, trims and tones pelvis, promotes a stronger upper body enabling you to hold on tight and keep partner from damaging furniture during moments of ecstasy.

6. Better coordination prevents confusion during intricate manipulations, permitting you to talk and perform at the same time.

7. A single ejaculation, especially from a man, contains enough sperm cells to fertilize every woman in the Marines.

8. Oral sex is a great way to firm the lower face. (For whom? )

9. After 16 steady hours of sex, it is wise to check your insurance policy.

10."Where am I?" should not be considered an abnormal response to immense orgasm.

11. Men who experience difficulty with insertion should see a guidance counsellor.

12. Too much arousal can bring on a hard-attack.

13. It's perfectly okay to have sex on an empty stomach, especially if it belongs to your partner.

14. You know that you've had too much sex when your life begins to flash before your eyes.

15. You know I've had too little sex when my partner begins to flash before my eyes.

16. Early to bed, early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy and in demand.

17. Good sex can correct poor posture, or at least make it stand up straight.

18. Thirty percent of our body heat escapes through the head (wear a hat during sex).

19. Sex on an inclined surface (an anthill, for example) builds endurance.

20. The length of an orgasm is usually anywhere from three to eleven seconds or four to seven feet.

21. 1970 FDA approves spray-on Vaseline.

22. To prevent bedsores, oil the sheets.

23. Maintenance tip for massages: change the oil every 10,000 strokes.

24. Sexual survival depends on knowing the difference between a birthmark and a rash.

 

Two children were in a doctor's waiting room. The little girl was softly sobbing.

"Why are you crying?" asked the little boy.

"I'm here for a blood test, and they're going to cut my finger," said the girl.

When he heard this, the little boy started to cry.

"Why are you crying?" asked the girl.

The boy looked at her worriedly and said, "I'm here for a urine test."
 

Old Paddy Murphy took his wife to the hospital to have a baby. After waiting for a while in the waiting area, Paddy picked up the hospital house phone, called the
doctor and said, "hello, this is Mr. Murphy. What's the news on Mrs. Murphy?"

The doctor answered, "You are thefather of a fine baby boy, but hold on because it's not all over yet."

After about a half hour, Paddy called the doctor back and asked, "Hello, this is Mr. Murphy. What's the news on Mrs. Murphy?"

The doctor answered, "You're the father of twins, a boy and a girl, but hold on because it's not all over yet."

After another half hour, Paddy called back and asked,"Hello, this is Mr. Murphy, what's the news?"

The doctor ansered, "You're the father of triplets -- two boys and a girl. It's not all over yet, but it's slowing down, so why don't you go get something to eat; I'll be here all night."

So Paddy went to a pub and got himself six shots of good Irish whiskey which he washed down with six pints of Guiness. He then went over to the phone, somewhat
unsteadily, and called the doctor at the hospital -- or thought he did.

Actually, he misdialed, and dialed thelocal cricket club. When the person answered, Paddy asked,"Hello, this is Mr. Murphy, what's the news?"

The person replied, "All out for a hundred and one, and the last one out was a duck."

 

A pregnant woman went to the gynecologist, and when asked what was the problem, she responded, "Well, whenever I take off my clothes, my nipples get hard."

Shocked, the doctor took a deep breath, then asked,"Your nipples get hard?"

"Yes," quite innocently came her reply.

"Undress so I can check," replied the still amazed doc.

So, she undressed, and he got down to the feeling and massaging, trying to reach an answer.

After some considerable time, the doctor, still looked puzzled, said, "Well madame, I don't know what you have, but it's sure as hell contagious!"
 

A gynecologist and a anatomico-pathologist return from a hospital after a night shift.

There is a nice spring morning, flowers bloom, girls walk by etc.

Both guys enjoy it after long boring work.

The anatomico-pathologist says, "Oh, People around.You see, live people."

The gynecologist answers, "Yes, and Faces, Faces!!"
 

They have finally released the ingredients in Viagra!!

3% Vitamin E

2% Aspirin

2% Ibuprofen1% Vitamin C

5% Spray Starch

88% Fix-A-Flat Enjoy a great night!!!

An elderly woman went into the doctor's office.

When the doctor asked why she was there, she replied, "I'd like to have some birth control pills."

Taken aback, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, "Excuse me, Mrs. Smith, but you're 75 years old. What possible use could you have for birth control pills?"

The woman responded, "They help me sleep better."

The doctor thought some more and continued, "How in the world do birth control pills help you to sleep?"

The woman said, "I put them in my granddaughter's orange juice and I sleep better at night."
 

An Arkansas hillbilly is suffering from constipation, so his doctor prescribes suppositories.

After a week, the hillbilly returns to the doctor's office, complaining that the medicine hasn't done him a bit of good.

"Have you been taking them regularly?" the doctor asks.

"What do you think I've been doing," yells the irritated man, "sticking them up my ass?!"
 

Arriving for her artificial insemination, Mrs. Aldiss was surprised when the attendant locked the door behind them and began taking off his clothes.

"And just what do you think you're doing?" she demanded.

"Sorry," said the young man, "but we're all out of the bottled stuff. I've got to give you draft."
 

Researchers released a list of foods and activities to help combat osteoporosis, the dread disorder that leaches calcium from the bones as people age.

The distinguished lead scientist mounts the podium to make his announcement and gives the highlights of the list. To no one's surprise, broccoli and cauliflower are there, and the researchers also encourage regular exercise, such as walking, running, cycling or swimming to prevent calcium loss from the bones.

But, one reporter, reading ahead, shouts from the front row, "You've got kissing on the list as a way to prevent osteoporosis! There isn't any calcium in a kiss!"

The scientist replied calmly, "In a good kiss, there's enough calcium to make a bone about 6 inches long."
 

Man goes to a vasectomy clinic.

Nurse preps him, in comes a very young, very nervous intern. He begins the procedure, slips with the scalpel and the mans nuts roll out on the floor.

"Oh my gawd" says the intern. "What'll we do now"?

"No problem" says the nurse and hurries out to return shortly with two small onions.

"Sew him up" she orders.

The intern does so.

They revive the man and send him opn his way with instructions to return for a follow-up in 6 weeks.

The man returns 6 weeks later and the intern looks him over with a wary eye.

"How's everything going"? he asks.

"Ya know doc, some very strange things have been happening".

"Like what"?

"Well, when I take a leak my eyes water, My wife gets heartburn when we have sex, and everytime I pass a McDonalds I get a hard on".
 

Health Info The long term implications of modern drugs must be fully considered:

Because over the past few years, more money has been spent on breast implants and Viagra than is spent on Alzheimer's Disease research.

It is believed that by the year 2030 there will be a large number of people wandering around with huge breasts and erections who can't remember what to do with them.
 

A guy walks into a clinic to have his blood type taken.

The nurse goes about taking the blood sample from his finger after finishing she looks around for a piece of cotton to wipe away the excess blood. she can't find it so she looks innocently at the guy and takes his finger and sucks it.

The guy is so pleased he asks; "Do you think i could have a urine test done?"
 

A young woman was suffering badly from hay fever. She was going to a fancy dinner party that night and figured she would need at least two handkerchiefs to get her through the evening. She didn't have any pockets, so she stuffed them both in her bra.

Halfway through the night, she had already used up one handkerchief and was rummaging around in her bra for the other one. She was having trouble finding it, and soon she noticed that everyone at the table was looking at her.

"What on earth are you doing?" asked one of her colleagues.

She replied, "I could have sworn I had two when I arrived!"
 

The mother of a problem child was advised by a psychiatrist,"You are far too upset and worried about your son.I am going to give you a prescription for some tranquillizers that I want you to start taking regularly."

On her next visit the psychiatrist asked, "Have the tranquillizers calmed you down any?"

"Oh, Yes", the mother answered.

"They do wonders for me."

"And how is your son now?" the psychiatrist asked.

"Who cares", she replied.

 

Emerging from the chiropractor's treatment room, a young man said aloud in the crowded waiting room, "I feel like a new man!"

"I do, too," a middle-aged woman responded, "but I'll probably go home with the same old one."
 

This man got his prescription for Viagra, and goes home to get ready for when his wife gets home.

He calls her on the phone, and says, "I'll be home in an hour.""Perfect," she replies.

The man thinks her agreement is because the Doctor told him to take his Viagra an hour before. He takes the Viagra and waits. Well, and hour goes by, the man is ready to go, but no wife?

She calls him on the phone and she says, "Traffic is terrible. I won't be there for about an hour and a half."

The man, frustrated, calls his Doctor for advice. "What should I do?" he asks.

The Doctor replied, "It would be a shame to waste it. Do you have a housekeeper around?"

"Yes" the man replied."

Well, may be you can occupy yourself with her instead?" said the Doctor.

The man then replied with dismay, "But I don't need Viagra with the housekeeper..."

 

As paramedics, my partner and I were dispatched to check on a 92-year-old man who had become disoriented. We decided to take him to the hospital for evaluation.

En route, with siren going, I questioned the man to determine his level of awareness.

Leaning close, I asked, "Sir, do you know what we're doing right now?"

He slowly looked up at me, then gazed out the ambulance window. "Oh," he replied, "I'd say about 50, maybe 55."
 

A new young MD doing his residency in OB/Gyn was quite embarrassed while performing a female pelvic exam. He had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly to cover his embarrassment.

The middle aged lady upon whom he was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassed him.

He snarled "just what is so funny madam?"

She replied, "I'm sorry doctor, but the song you were whistling was..... 'I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener'!"
 

"Did you give this man two tablets every eight hours?" asks the doctor.

"Oh, no," replies the nurse, "I gave him eight tablets every two hours!"

At the next bed the next patient also appears half dead.

"Nurse, did you give this man one tablet every twelve hours?"

"Oops, I gave him twelve tablets every one hour," replies the nurse.

Unfortunately at the next bed the patient is truly deceased, not an ounce of life.

"Nurse," asks the doctor, "did you prick his boil?"

"OH MY GOODNESS!" replies the nurse.
 

A man bumps into his doctor at a New Year’s reception.

“Doc, I’m going to make an appointment to see you this week. I gotta have a kidney transplant, a heart transplant, a lung transplant, a cornea transplant, a liver transplant, a ..."

"Now, just wait a minute," the doctor says. "You are perfectly healthy! Why do you think you need all these organ transplants?"

“Well,” says the man, “I’ve decided this is the year I’ve got to get myself reorganized."

 

A psychiatrist is doing his book work when his secretary bursts into his office.

"Doctor! You have to come help!" the secretary says.

"What's wrong?" the psychiatrist asks.

"There is a man at my desk who says he is invisible."

Says the doctor, "Tell him I can't see him now."
 

says to his doctor, "I can't sleep, but I can't take pills, either."

The doctor says, "No problem. Here's a suppository with a sleeping pill in it."

The next day the doctor calls and says, "Did it work?"

says, "It worked too well. I woke up with my finger in my asshole."

New Phobias

"Hey, this is a nude beach. I ain`t getting in that cold water!" -- Shrinkaphobia

"Get that *(^%#*# vodka bottle away from me!!" -- Carmenelectraphobia

"He`s coming straight for us--with his left turn signal on!" -- Oldfartophobia

"You have to push `Start` to turn the damn computer off?!" -- Windophobia

"I won`t go to your frat house to eat gyros and watch a tape of the Israel Philharmonic Orchestra on your old Sony VCR!" -- ThetaFetaMetaBetaphobia

"No!! Don`t call the plumber!!!" -- Buttcrackaphobia

"No, I don`t want to watch `Friends.` That blonde chick freaks me out." -- Phoebephobia

"Um, Doctor, why are you putting on that rubber glove?" -- Probeophobia

"You`re busy Saturday? Well, how about next weekend then?" -- Rentanotherpornophobia

"It`s NOT my imagination! Senator Helms is looking at me "that" way again!" -- Homophobophobia

"Honey, I bought a Corvette!" -- Smallpenisphobia

With the immense popularity of Viagra it's not surprising that the company has now started to produce versions of the drug for specific groups of customers:

Viagra Lite: For people who only want to masturbate

Viagrallium: A mix of Viagra and Vallium: if you don't get to fuck, then you don't give a fuck.

 

A man called his doctor, and said. "Doc, you gotta come over here quick!

You see when my wife got out of the shower, and bent over to pick up her towel a mouse ran straight up her ass!

"The doctor said, "Okay just hold a piece of cheese just outside of her ass until I get over there".

The doctor drove up, got out of his car, and went inside to see the man holding a big fish up to her ass instead of cheese.

The doctor said, "What are you doing? I said a piece of cheese".

The man said,"I did what you said, and it almost worked, but when the mouse started to come out, the cat chased it right back up there!"
 

Have you heard about Kellogg's foray into the medical field? They have a new cereal specifically for men with erectile dysfunction.

It's called "Nuttin' Raisin Honey"
 

A man who had just undergone a very complicated operation kept complaining about a bump on his head and a terrible headache. Since his operation had been an intestinal one, there was no earthly reason why he should be complaining of a headache.

Finally his nurse, fearing that the man might be suffering from some post-operative shock, spoke to the doctor about it.

The doctor assured the nurse, "Don't worry about a thing. He really does have a bump on his head. About halfway through the operation we ran out of anesthetic."
 

Says a teenage girl to her doctor, "You prescribed me birth control pills."

"And how is it going?"

"I think it's ok, but I'd like to have them bigger."

The doctor was surprised, "You mean stronger?"

"No. Bigger, please."

"But why BIGGER?"

"Because they keep falling out."
 

An older gent had an appointment to see a urologist who shared an
office with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled with
patients...

He approached the receptionist desk...

The receptionist was a large imposing woman who looked like a wrestler.

He gave her his name.

In a very loud voice the receptionist said, "Yes, I see your name
here... you want to see the doctor about impotence,right?"

All of the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to
look at the very embarrassed man.

He recovered quickly though, and in an equally loud voice
replied, "No, I've come to inquire about a sex change operation...and
I'd like the same doctor that did yours!"

Harry was in the hospital. He was an old man. Anyway there was this young nurse. Every time she came in, she talked to him like a little child. She would say in a
patronizing tone of voice: "And how are we doing this morning?"

Well, this is a story of revenge. He had received breakfast, and pulled the juice off the tray, and put it on his stand. He had been given a urine bottle to fill. The juice was apple juice. You know where the juice went.

The nurse came in and picked up the urine bottle. She looks at it. "It seems we are a little cloudy today." At this he snatches the bottle out of her hand, pops off the top and chugs it, saying "Well, I'll run it through again. Maybe I can filter it better this time."

Doug went to a psychiatrist and said, "Doc, I'm really worried about my wife. Yesterday she posed for a nude picture."

The psychiatrist said, "Well I wouldn't worry about that. It's probably just an expression of her interest in art. What was the nude picture for?"

Doug said, "Her driver's license."
 

To: All EMS Personnel From: Chief of Operations

Subject: Proper Narrative Descriptions It has come to our attention from several emergency rooms that many EMS narratives have taken a decidedly creative direction lately.

Effective immediately, all members are to refrain from using slang and abbreviations to describe patients, such as the following.

1) Cardiac patients should not be referred to as suffering from MUH (messed up heart), PBS (pretty bad shape), PCL (pre-code looking) or HIBGIA (had it before, got it again).

2) Stroke patients are NOT "Charlie Carrots." Nor are rescuers to use CCFCCP (Coo Coo for Cocoa Puffs) to describe their mental state.

3) Trauma patients are not CATS (cut all to sh*t), FDGB (fall down, go boom), TBC (total body crunch) or "hamburger helper." Similarly, descriptions of a car crash do not have to include phrases like "negativevehicle to vehicle interface" or "terminal deceleration
syndrome."

4) HAZMAT teams are highly trained professionals, not "glow worms."

5) Persons with altered mental states as a result of drug use are not considered "pharmaceutically gifted."

6) Gunshot wounds to the head are not "trans-occipital implants."

7) The homeless are not "urban outdoorsmen", nor is endotracheal intubations referred to as a "PVC Challenge".

8) And finally, do not refer to recently deceased persons as being "paws up," ART (assuming room temperature), CC (Cancel Christmas), CTD (circling the drain), DRT (dead right there) or NLPR (no long playing records).

I know you will all join me in respecting the cultural diversity of our patients to include their medical orientations in creating proper narratives and log entries.

The doctor asks the first man, "What is three times three?"

"274," came the reply.

The doctor rolls his eyes and looks up at the ceiling,and says to the second man, "It's your turn. What is three times three?"

"Tuesday," replies the second man. The doctor shakeshis head sadly, then asks the third man, "Okay, your turn. What's three times three?"

"Nine," says the third man.

"That's great!" says the doctor.

"How did you get that?"

"Simple," he says, "just subtract 274 from Tuesday."
 

A man goes into the hospital for some tests. They knock him out, and when he comes round there's a doctor peering over him, you know, pulling the eyelid up, wielding the reflex hammer.

The Doctor says, "Ahh, I'm glad you've come round. I'm afraid I have some mixed news."

The patient says, "Don't hold back Doctor, tell me
the bad news."

The Doctor says, "Worse than I thought. We had to amputate your left leg."

The patient replies, "What's the good news then?"

The Doctor responds, "The man in the next bed wants to buy your slippers."

Several days later the same man is rushed into the operating theatre for further surgery. Finally, hours later, he begins to wake. He sees the doctor peering over him and thinks of deja-vu.

The Doctor says, "Ahh, I'm glad you've come round. I'm afraid I have some mixed news again."

The patient says, "What could be worse than having one leg amputated. Tell me the bad news."

The Doctor says, "Worse than I thought. I'm afraid that we had to amputate your right leg as well."

The patient lapses into fits of uncontrollable tears. The doctor says to him, "But I haven't told you the good news yet. Pull yourself together, man."

The patient regains some composure and says, "What is it?"

The Doctor says, "Do you see the nurse over in the corner?"

Where?" the patient asks.

The Doctor says, "That nurse over there with the long blonde hair, large breasts and long legs."

The patient says, "Do I! She's incredible!!", getting excited.

The Doctor says, "Well, I screwed her last night."
 

The patient shook his doctor's hand in gratitude and said, "Since we are the best of friends, I would not want to insult you by offering payment. But I would like for you to know that I had mentioned you in my will."

"That is very kind of you," said the doctor emotionally, and then added, "Can I see that prescription I just gave you" I'd like to make a little change..."
 

The medical student was shocked when he received a failing grade in radiology.

Approaching the professor, he demanded to know the reason for the grade.

"You know the self X-ray you took?" asked the professor.

"I do." said the student."

A fine picture," the professor said, "of your lungs, stomach, and liver."

"If it's a fine picture, then why did you give me an F?" asked the student

"I had no choice," said the professor. "You didn't put your heart in it."
 

A man walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. He replied, "I got shingles."

She said, "Fill out this form and supply your name, address, medical insurance number. When you're done, please take a seat."

Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked him what he had.

He said, "I got shingles."

So she took down his height, weight, and complete medical history, then said, "Change into this gown and wait in the examining room."

A half hour later a nurse came in and asked him what he had.

He said, "I got shingles."

So she gave him a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told him to wait for the doctor.

An hour later the doctor came in and asked him what he had.

He said, "Shingles."

The doctor gave him a full-cavity examination, and then said, "I just checked you out thoroughly, and I can't find shingles anywhere. "

The man replied, "They're outside in the truck. Where do you want them?"
 

When a grandmother was in her late eighties, she decided to move to Israel. As part of the preparations, she went to see her doctor and get all her charts. The doctor asked her how she was doing, so she gave him the litany of complaints - this hurts, that's stiff, I'm tired and slower, etc.

He responded with, "Mrs. Siegel, you have to expect things to start deteriorating. After all, who wants to live to 100?"

The grandmother looked him straight in the eye and replied, "Anyone who's 99."

Perhaps you've heard of the man who thought he was dead,when in reality he was very much alive. His delusion became such a problem that his family finally paid for
him to see a psychiatrist.

The psychiatrist spent many laborious sessions trying toconvince the man he was still alive. Nothing seemed to work. Finally the doctor tried one last approach. He
took out his medical books and proceeded to show the patient that dead men don't bleed. After hours of tedious study, the patient seemed convinced that dead
men don't bleed.

"Do you now agree that dead men don't bleed?" the doctorasked.

"Yes, I do," the patient replied.

"Very well, then," the doctor said.

He took out a pin and pricked the patient's finger. Out came a trickle of blood.

The doctor asked, "What does that tell you?"

"Oh my goodness!" the patient exclaimed as he stared incredulously at his finger... "Dead men do bleed!!"
 

A man went to the doctor for his first prostate exam, and asked the doctor how the procedure is performed?

The doctor replied while putting on his glove and some K-Y jelly around his forefinger, "I insert this finger into your rectum and look for lumps and what not."

The patient replied, "You're going to stick that finger up my ass?"

The doctor replied, "Yes".

The patient said, "While you're at it I want you to stick two fingers up my ass".

The doctor asked, "Why?"

The patient replied, "I want a second opinion".
 

After the baby was born, a Japanese father went to see the obstetrician.

"Doctor," he said in a panicked tone, "I don't mind telling you, but I'm a little upset because my daughter has red hair. I see no way she can possible be mine."

"Nonsense," the doctor said. "Even though you and your wife both have black hair, your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool."

"It isn't possible," the man insisted. "We're pure Oriental."

"Well," said the doctor, "Let me ask you this. How often do you have sex?"

The man seemed ashamed. "I've been working very hard for the past year. We only made love once or twice a month."

"There you have it!" the doctor said confidently. "It's just rust."
 

A young couple took their two-year-old son to the doctor. With some hesitation, they explained that, although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.

After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, "Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem."

The next morning, when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.

"Gee, Mom," he exclaimed. "For me?"

"Just take two," his mother replied. "The rest are for your father."
 

A man phones a mental hospital and asks the receptionist if there is anybody in room 27.

She goes and checks, and comes back to the phone, telling him No, the room is empty.

"Good," says the man. "That means I must have really
escaped."

Rated PG

"Alright," said the doctor. "Go behind that curtain and
take your clothes off."

"No, not me" said the girl. "it's my old aunt here."

"Very well. Madam, stick your tongue out."

A construction worker goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, I'm constipated."

The doctor examines him for a minute and then says, "Leanover the table."

The construction worker leans over the table, the doctor whacks him on the ass with a baseball bat, CRACK... and then sends him into the bathroom.

He comes out a few minutes later and says, "Doc, I feel great. What should I do to prevent constipation in the future?"

The doctor says, "Stop wiping with cement bags!"

Child birth

A woman goes to her doctor who verifies that she ispregnant. This is her first pregnancy.

The doctor asks her if she has any questions.

She replies, "Well, I'm a little worried about the pain.How much will childbirth hurt?"

The doctor answered, "Well, that varies from woman towoman and pregnancy to pregnancy and besides, it's difficult to describe pain."

"I know, but can't you give me some idea?," she asks.

"Grab your upper lip and pull it out a little..."

"Like this?"

"A little more..."

"Like this?"

"No. A little more..."

"Like this?"

"Yes. Does that hurt?"

"A little bit."

"Now stretch it over your head!"

An agitated patient was stomping around the psychiatrist's office, running his hands through his hair, almost in tears.

"Doctor, my memory's gone, Gone! I can't remember my wife's name. Can't remember my children's names. Can't remember what kind of car I drive. Can't remember where I work. It was all I could do to find my way here.

"Calm down, How long have you been like this?"

"Like what?"
 

A man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he approached the desk, the receptionist asked, "Yes sir, may we help you?"

"There's something wrong with my dick," he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded office and say things like that."

"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.

"We do not use language like that here," she said. "Please go outside and come back in and say that there's something wrong with your 'ear' or whatever."

The man walked out, waited several minutes and reentered.

The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"

"There's something wrong with my 'ear,'" he stated.

The receptionist nodded approvingly. "And what is wrong with your ear, sir?"

"I can't piss out of it," the man replied.
 

SONGS FROM THE HOSPITAL "HIT PARADE"

* I'll be Sewing You.

* Red Cells in the Sunset.

* It's Spleen a Long, Long Time.

* It Had to Be Flu.

* On the Bonny Banks of Glaucoma.

* Gonna Take a Sentimental Gurney.

* The Staphs and Streps Forever.

* Old Man's Liver.

* I've Grown Accustomed to Her Brace.

* The Girl From Emphysema.

* MRI Blue?

* My Melancolicky Baby.

An old man strode in to his doctors office and said, "Doc, my druggist said to tell you to change my prescription and to check the prescription you've been giving to Mrs. Smith."

"Oh, he did, did he?" the doctor shot back. "And since when does a druggist second guess a doctor's orders?"

The old man says, "Since he found out I've been on birth control pills since February."
 

A man walks into his doctor's office and sits down in the waiting room. While he is waiting his turn to be seen, a casual acquaintance walks in and sits down next
to him.

The newcomer asks, "W-w-what are y-y-y-you d-d-
doing here?"

The man replies, "I am waiting to see the doctor."

"W-w-why d-d-d-do y-y-y-you w-want to s-s-s-see h-him?"

The man replies, "Well, if you must know, I have a prostate problem

"A p-p-prostate p-p-p-problem, w-what's t-t-that?"

"Well, if you must know. I pee like you talk."
 

A man goes to his dentist because he feels something is wrong with his mouth.

The dentist examines him and says, "That new upper plate I put in for you six months ago is completely corroded. What have you been eating?"

The man replies, "All I can think of is that about four months ago my wife made some asparagus and put some stuff on it that was delicious: Hollandaise sauce. I loved it so much I now put it on everything -- meat, toast, fish, vegetables, you name it."

"Well," says the dentist, "that's probably the problem. Hollandaise sauce is made with lots of lemon juice, which is highly corrosive. It's eaten away your upper plate. I'll make you a new plate, and this time I'll use chrome."

"Why chrome?" asks the patient.

The dentist replies, "It's simple. Everyone knows there's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise!"
 

A woman went to the doctors' office. She was seen by one of the new doctors, but after about 4 minutes in the examination room, she burst out, screaming, as she ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped her and asked her what the problem was, and she explained.

He had her sit down and relax in another room then marched back to the first and demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?"

The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and asked,"Does she still have the hiccups?"
 

A guy goes in to see the doctor.

He says, "Doc, something terrible has happened...you've got to help me!"

The doctor says, "What's the problem?"

The guy says, "It's kind of embarassing, Doctor---hard for me to talk about. What if I just show you?"

The Doctor says OK. The guy drops his pants and there's this huge penis hanging down to his knees.

The doctor says, "Good grief, man, when did this happen?"

The guy breaks into tears and says, "It started shrinking about a week ago!!!"
 

A young woman visited her doctor complaining of a bed wetting problem.

The doctor asked her the usual questions and then asked her to go behind the screen and remove her clothes. She was a bit shocked but went ahead anyway.

When she was undressed he asked her to stand on her hands in front of and facing a full length mirror. The young woman was even more shocked but if it would help solve her problem she thought she had better do what the doctor said.

As soon as she was in position the doctor asked her to open her legs and when she did he put his head between them and rested his chin right on her private parts. After a few moments and some very positive 'yes, yes' type noises the doctor instructed her to get dressed again.

Afterwards, the doctor sat her down and informed her that the main cause of her problem was just that she was drinking far too much liquid before going to bed.

"So what did the exercise in front of the mirror tell you?"

"Well," said the doctor, "my wife is right, a beard would suit me."
 

Medical Breakthrough Medications

St. Mom's Wort ... Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to six hours.

Empty Nestrogen ... Highly effective suppository that eliminates melancholy by enhancing the memory of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait til they moved out.

Peptobimbo ... Liquid silicone for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and improves flirting.

Dumerol ... When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low I.Q. causing enjoyment of country western music.

Flipitor .. Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.

Antiboyotics ... When administered to teenage girls, is highly effective in improving grades, freeing up phone lines, and reducing money spent on make-up.

Menicillin ... Potent antibiotic for older women. Increases resistance to such lines as, "You make me want to be a better person ... can we get naked now?"

Buyagra ... Injectable stimulant taken prior toshopping. Increases potency and duration of spending spree.

Extra Strength Buy-one-all ... When combined with Buyagra, can cause an indiscriminant buying frenzy so severe the victim may even come home with a Donnie Osmond CD or a book by Dr. Laura.

Jack Asspirin ... Relieves the headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary or phone number.

Anti-talksident ... A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers.

Sexcedrin ... Bedroom aerosol spray for men. More effective than Excedrin in treating the, "Not now, dear,I have a headache," syndrome.

Ragamet ... When administered to a husband, provides the same irritation as ragging on him all weekend, saving the wife the time and trouble of doing it herself.

Men-Gay ... A rub-in ointment that enables single women to identify who to cross off the dating pool.
 

Recent medical journals now counsel doctors that, when testing stupid people, to refrain from telling them that they have sugar in their urine. Otherwise,they'll go home and piss on their corn flakes.

A man lost both ears in an accident. No plastic surgeon could offer him a solution.

He heard of a very good one in Sweden, and went to him.

The new surgeon examined him, thought a while, and said, "Yes, I can make this
right."

After the operation, bandages off, stitches out, the man goes to his hotel. The morning after, in a rage, he calls his surgeon, and yells, "You bastard, you gave me a woman's ears."

"Well, an ear is an ear, it makes no difference whether it’s a man's or woman's."

"You're wrong, I hear everything, but I don't understand a damned thing!"
 

A man fell asleep on the beach under the noon day sun and suffered a severe sunburn to his legs.

He was taken to the hospital where his skin had turned bright red,and was painful and had started to blister.

Anything that touched his legs caused agony.

The doctor prescribed continued intravenous feedings of water and electrolytes, a mild sedative and Viagra.

Rather astounded, the nurse inquired, "What good will Viagra do him in his condition?"

The doctor replied, "It will keep the sheet off his legs!"
 

This Chinese laundryman complained to the doctor that he was very constipated.

The doctor gave him a prescription for a good laxative. "Come to my office in a few days," said the doctor, "and let me know how it works."

A few days later, the Chinaman visited the doctor.

"Have you moved yet?" asks the doctor.

"No, sir, me no moovee, me no moovee."

The doc thinks about it, and then gives him a prescription for twice as much.

Three days later, when the man reported to the doc again, he said that he still hadn't moved and the doc gave him a triple dose, and he said, "Come back to see me in two days and let me know just what is happening."

Two days later, the man returned.

"Well," said the doctor, "have you moved yet?"

"No, sir, me no moovee yet. Me moovee tomorrow, though.

House full of shit."
 

Every spring, as soon as the snows thawed, a certain mountain woman would come down into town, have a baby and gather supplies for the summer.

After a few years of this, she looked despairingly at the doctor and said, "Doctor, I don't know how much more of this I can handle. We got us eight kids now and
I just don't know how we can go on. I gotta do something about having all these babies or I'll just lose my mind!"

The doctor scratched his head and wondered how to gently instruct the woman on how to curb her ordeal, and finally told her to pick up a ten-gallon bucket along with her supplies. "And every night when you go to bed, I want both of your feet in that bucket and don't take them out until morning."

So the lady was off and all of her problems seemed to be solved.

That next spring, right on cue, she walked into the doctor's office and promptly delivered another child.

"Ma'am, I thought I told you to sleep each night with your feet in a ten-gallon bucket. What happened?"

"Well, you see doctor, the store was all out of ten-gallon buckets, so I just figured two five-gallon buckets would do the trick just the same."
 

An optometrist instructs a woman in his office to read the eye chart.

"Sorry, Doc," she says. "I can't make it out."

"Can you see my diploma hanging on the wall?"

"Nope, it's too blurry," she answers.

He thinks a minute, then takes out his penis. "Can you see this?"

"Why yes, it's your penis."

"I knew it," he says, "you're cock-eyed!"
 

A middle-aged man had an obsession with women's breasts. So he went to a psychologist and told the doctor about his problem.

"I am going to do word association,explained the doctor. "I am going to say a word, and you will say the first thing that come to your mind."

"Oranges," said the doctor.

"Breasts," replied the patient.

"Apples."

"Breasts."

"Watermelons."

"Breasts."

"Wipers."

"Breasts," said the patient with the same reply.

"Wait a minute! I can see the connections between oranges,apples, watermelons and breasts. But automobile's wipers? Where is the connection?" asked the doctor.

"Easy ... one on the left and one on the right!"

An old man goes to the doctor to ask him an important question.

"Doctor, when I was in my 20's, it took both of my hands to push down my hard-on."

"When I was in my 30's, it took one hand to push down my hard-on."

"When I was in my 50's, it took three fingers to push down my hard-on."

"Now that I'm in my 60's, it only takes one finger to push down on my hard-on!"

"So what I'm basically trying to ask you is? How strong am I going to get?"

 

A man gets a call from the hospital saying that his wife was in a car accident and he needs to come down right now. The man rushes right down. He gets to the hospital, screaming for the doctor.

"Doctor, what's wrong? Is my wife going to be okay?"

"I'm sorry," says the doctor. "Your wife's been in a horrible accident. Her neck was broken. She's lost all movement of her body below the neck. You're going to have to take complete care of her. You'll have to feed her. You'll have to bathe her. You'll have to
pick her up to put her in and out of her wheelchair. You'll have to clean her because she's lost control of her bowel movements."

The man falls to his knees. He begins to cry.

The doctor puts his hand on the mans shoulder and says, "Man, I'm just kidding you. She's dead."

Mary went to the doctor complaining of body odor.

"Do you wash?" the doctor asked the smelly young girl.

"Oh, yes," Mary answered. "Each morning, I start at my head and wash down as far as possible. Then I start at my feet and I wash up as far as possible."

"Well," the doctor concluded, "Go home and wash 'possible'!"


 

Surgeon went to check on his post-op patient. She was awake, so he examned her. She asked:"How long will it be before I can have a normal sex life?"

Surgeon paused, which alarmed the girl. She said:" I will be alright, won't I?"

"Yes, you'll be fine. It's just that no one else has asked me that after a tonsillectomy, Miss Lewinsky."

 

One summer, the company Dave worked for transferred him to another city, and Dave was told that he had to take a new physical with the company doctor.

All the tests came out fine, but the doctor remarked that Dave had the smallest dick he'd ever seen. "Do you have any difficulties with it being so small?" the doc asked.

"Shit, no," Dave said. "I've got a wife, three kids, and a great sex life. But I do sometimes have a problem finding it in the daytime."

"What about at night?" the doc asked.

"Nights are no problem," Dave said. "'cause there's two of us looking for it then."
 

RALPH

When Ralph first noticed that his penis was growing larger and staying erect longer, he was delighted,as was his wife.But after several weeks his penis had grown to nearly fifteen inches. Ralph became quite concerned, so he and his wife went to see a prominent urologist.

After an initial examination, the physician explained to the couple that, though rare, Ralph's condition could be cured through corrective surgery.

"How long will Ralph be on crutches?" the wife asked anxiously.

"Crutches? Why would he need crutches?" responded the doctor.

"Well" said the wife coldly,"you're planning to lengthen Ralph's legs, aren't you?"

The doctor tells his patient: "Linda, I have some good news and some bad news."

Linda asks for the good news first.

"Well, the test results are in, and the good news is that you aren't suffering from Pre-menstrual Syndrome, as you'd feared."

"And the bad news?" Linda asks.

To which the Doc replies: "I'm afraid there's no cure for being a natural bitch."
 

Judy decided she wanted to become a nurse.

Her first day at the hospital she was given several patients to bathe and change their beds.

Her instructor arrived in the room just in time to hear the male patient give a howl of pain.

The teacher took Judy to one side and said. "When we make the beds, we gently turn the patient to oneside and push the sheets up against his back. We then roll him over on the other side and pull the sheets firm." "We do NOT pick him up by his penis and shove the sheets under him."
 

Randy was in the hospital for a complete check-up. At 11:00AM, they brought him soup for lunch. He refused it. At 2:00PM, they again tried to serve him some soup,
which he refused.

Again, at 5:00PM and 7:00PM, they tried, and both times Randy turned down the soup, so they gave up. In preparation for the next day's test, they entered his room at 3:00AM, 4:30AM, and 6:00AM and gave him an enema each time.

When Randy got home from the hospital after the tests, he told his wife, "Whatever you do, if you go to that hospital and they try to serve you soup, take it! If you refuse it, they sneak in while you're asleep and shove it up your ass!"
 

MID-LIFE IS A CRISIS!

Mid-life is when you go to the doctor and you realize you are now so old, you have to pay someone to look at you naked.

The good news about mid-life is that the glass is still half-full...of
course, the bad news is that it won't be long before your teeth are
floating in it.

Mid-life women no longer have upper arms, we have wingspans...we are no longer women in sleeveless shirts, we are flying squirrels in drag.

Mid-life has hit you when you stand naked in front of a mirror and can see your rear end without turning around.

Mid-life brings the wisdom that life throws you curves...and that you're now sitting on your biggest ones.

Mid-life is when you want to grab every firm young lovely in a tube top and scream, "Listen, honey, even the Roman Empire fell, and those things will too!

Mid-life is when you start to repeat yourself...and your chins follow
suit.

You become more reflective in mid-life. You start pondering the "big"
questions -- what is life, why am I here...how much Healthy Choice ice
cream can I eat before it's no longer a healthy choice?
 

The man and his wife went to the doctor for their annual physical exams. Afterwards, the doctor called her into his office and told
her that he had some good news and some bad news. "The good news," he explained, "is that your husband has a particularstrain of gonorrhea that I have only heard of once before."

The wife paled. "If that's the good news, then what the hell is
the bad news?"

"Well," the doctor elaborated, "the bad news is that I heard about it just last week from my sheep's vet."

Matt went into Doc Steven's office for his annual checkup, and the Doc asked if there was anything unusual he should know about.

That left it pretty wide open, so he told the Doc that he found it real strange how his suit must've shrunk just sittin' in his closet, because it didn't fit when he went to get ready for a wedding recently.

The Doc said, "Suits don't shrink just sittin' there. You probably just put on a few pounds, Matt."

"That's just it, Doc, I know I haven't gained a single pound since the last time I wore it."

"Well, then," said Doc, "You must have a case of Furniture Disease."

"What in the world is Furniture Disease?" Matt asked.

"Furniture Disease, Matt, is when you reach that stage in life when your chest starts slidin' down into your drawers."

 

Rated G

The doctor took his patient into the room and said, "I have some
good news and some bad news."

The patient said, "Give me the good news."

"They're going to name a disease after you."

 

A little woman called Mount Sinai Hospital.

She said, Hello, darling, I'd like to talk with the person who gives the information regarding your patients. But, I don't want to know if the patient is getting better, or doing like expected,or worse. I want to know all the information from top to bottom,
from A to Y !'

The voice on the other end of the line said, "That's a very unusual request....What is the patient's name and room number ? "

She said, 'Yes, darling! I'd like to know the information about Sarah Finkel, in Room 302.'

He said, 'Finkel, Finkel. Let me see. Feinberg, Farber, Finkel.Oh, yes. Mrs. Finkel is doing very well. In fact, she's hadtwo full meals, her blood pressure is fine, her blood work just came back as normal, she's going to be taken off the heart monitor in a couple of hours and if she continues this improvement, Dr. Cohen is going to send her home Tuesday at twelve o' clock.'

The woman said, 'Thank God! That's wonderful! Oh, thank God! Her test came back normal, she's getting off the heart machinein a couple of hours you say. Oh! that's fantastic, darling! And she is being released tomorrow at twelve o'clock! I'm so happy
to hear that! . . . That's wonderful news!'

The man on the phone said, 'From your enthusiasm, I takeit you must be a close family member or a very close friend!'

She said, 'What close family or friend? I'm Sarah Finkel in 302 ! Cohen my doctor tells me nothing."
 

In the middle of an international gynecology conference, an English and a French gynecologist are discussing various cases they've recently treated.

French Gynecologist: "Only last week, zer was a woman ooh came to see me, and 'er cleetoris - eet was like a melon."

English Gynecologist: "Don't be absurd, it couldn't have been that big, my good man, she couldn't have been able to walk if it was."

French Gynecologist : "Aaah, you eenglish, zare you go again, always talkeeng about ze size... I was talkeeng about ze flavor."
 

A psychiatrist is interviewing a first-time patient.

"You say you're here because your family is worried about your taste in socks?" he asks.

"That's correct," the patient mutters. "I like wool socks."

"But that's perfectly normal," replies the doctor. "Many people prefer wool socks to those made from cotton or acrylic. In fact, I myself like wool socks."

"You do?" exclaims the man. "With oil and vinegar or just a squeeze of lemon?"

 

An 80 year old man went to the doctor for a checkup.

The doctor was amazed at what good shape the guy was in. The doctor asked "To what do you attribute your good health?"

The old timer said, "I'm a turkey hunter and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight and out chasing turkeys up and down the mountains,"

The doctor said, "I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your dad when he died?"

The old timer said, "Who said my dad's dead?"

The doctor said, You mean you're 80 years old and your dad's still alive? How old is he?

The old timer said, "He's l00 years old and, in fact, he hunted turkey with me this morning, and that's why he's still alive...he's a turkey hunter,"

The doctor said, "Well, that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it. How about your dad's dad? How old was he when he died?

The old timer said, "Who said my grandpa's dead?

The doctor said, "You mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's still living!! How old is he?"

The old timer said,"He's ll8 years old."

The doctor was getting frustrated at this point and said, "I
suppose he went turkey hunting with you this morning too?"

The old timer said, "No....Grandpa couldn't go this morning because he got married."

The doctor said in amazement, "Got married!! Why would a ll8 year old guy want to get married?"

The old timer said, "Who said he wanted to?"
 

A patient complained to his doctor, "I've been to three other doctor's and none of them agreed with your diagnosis."

The doctor calmly replied, "Just wait until the autopsy, then they'll see that I was right."
 

YOU KNOW YOU ARE A NURSE IF.....

The front of you scrubs read: 'Nurses...here to save your ass, not kiss it!'

You occasionally park in the space with the 'Physicians Only' sign, and knock it over.

You've ever told a patient to 'move toward the light.'

You believe that all the patient needs is some vitamin A (ativan)

You've ever run out of linens, syringes, IV fluid, meds, and patience all at the same time

You believe some patients are alive only because it's illegal to kill them

You do the "only-27-more-minutes-of-the-shift-from-hell happy dance"

You always follow the rules, but be wise enough to forget them sometimes.

You believe any family member who is more drunk (or more stupid) than the patient, is the real problem.

You can't cure stupid.

You believe if it's wet and sticky and not yours, leave it alone!

You believe just because someone's license date is before yours does not mean they know what they are doing.

You have seen more moons than the Hubble telescope.

To you the phrase "divide and conquer" means getting two co-workers to help you change the bedsore dressing in the crack of a 400 pound patient.

You ever, secretly, wanted to mix crazy glue into the lube while
inserting a foley on a patient that has pulled out three catheters on your shift while restrained.

You own at least three pens with the names of prescription medications on them

You never get into an argument with an idiot, because they only bring you down to their level and then beat you with experience

You ever had a patient die shortly after saying, 'Hey, watch this'

You ever wished that they would make corrugated catheters to use on really annoying patients.

You no longer have a gag reflex.

You make up new ways to describe strange patients True --a doctor
friend of mine would put the number "45" on the chart to warn the
nurses that the patient wasn't playing with a full load of chromosomes.

You hope there's a special place in Hell for the inventor of the call light.

You believe not all patients are annoying. Some are dead.

You believe the definition of stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.

You think pizza, cookies and coke make a balanced meal.

You tell cops where to go without fear!

You can only tell time with a 24-hour clock.

You've ever thought, 'Patients, God love 'em, because today, I sure don't!'

You believe that saying, 'It can't get any worse' causes it to get worse just to show you it can.

You wash your hands before you go to the bathroom

You have ever referred to an intoxicated patient as a FORD (Found On Road Drunk)

You call some of your co-workers 'Flowers in the Field of Medicine' because they're bloomin' idiots

You've ever used the acronym F.T.D. (Fixin' to Die) or L.T.B.B
(Lucky To Be Breathing)

You've ever thought a blood pressure cuff would be an excellent gift for Christmas.

You've ever spent more money on a stethoscope than on a car payment.

You notice that you use more four-letter words now than before you
became a nurse.

You think it is acceptable to use "penis" and "vagina" in a normal
conversation.

You look in your closet and can't find anything non-medical to wear.

You believe any job where you can drive to work in pajamas is a cool job.

Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong and if nothing has gone
wrong, you've obviously don't understand the situation.

 

"How may I help you?" the doctor asks.

"Doc, every night,I have the same dream.I’m lying in bed and a dozen women walk in and try to rip my clothes off and have wild sex with me."

"And then what do you do?" the shrink asks.

"I push them away," the man says.

"Then what do you want me to do?" the shrink asks.

"Break my arms!"

 

HEALTH CARE REALITY CHECK!

Frequently Asked Questions About Health Care
By David Lubar

Q. What does HMO stand for?

A. This is actually a variation of the phrase, "Hey, Moe!" Its roots go back to a concept pioneered by Doctor Moe Howard, who discovered that a patient could be made to forget about the pain in his foot if he was poked hard enough in the eyes. Modern practice replaces the physical finger poke with hi-tech equivalents such as voice mail and referral slips, but the result remains the same.

Q. Do all diagnostic procedures require pre-certification?

A. No. Only those you need.

Q. I just joined a new HMO. How difficult will it be to choose the doctor I want?

A. Just slightly more difficult than choosing your parents. Your insurer will provide you with a book listing all the doctors who were participating in the plan at the time the information was gathered. These doctors basically fall into two categories--those who are no longer accepting new patients, and those who will see you but are no longer part of the plan. But don't worry--the remaining doctor who is still in the
plan and accepting new patients has an office just a half day's drive away!

Q. What are pre-existing conditions?

A. This is a phrase used by the grammatically challenged when they want to talk about existing conditions. Unfortunately, we appear to be pre-stuck with it.

Q. Well, can I get coverage for my pre-existing conditions?

A. Certainly, as long as they don't require any treatment.

Q. What happens if I want to try alternative forms of medicine?

A. You'll need to find alternative forms of payment.

Q. My pharmacy plan only covers generic drugs, but I need the name brand. I tried the generic medication, but it gave me a stomach ache. What should I do?

A. Poke yourself in the eye.

Q. I have an 80/20 plan with a $200 deductible and a $2,000 yearly cap. My insurer reimbursed the doctor for my out-patient surgery, but I'd already paid my bill. What should I do?

A. You have two choices. Your doctor can sign the reimbursement check over to you, or you can ask him to invest the money for you in one of those great offers that only doctors and dentists hear about, like windmill farms or frog hatcheries.

Q. What should I do if I get sick while traveling?

A. Try sitting in a different part of the bus.

Q. No, I mean what if I'm away from home and I get sick?

A. You really shouldn't do that. You'll have a hard time seeing your primary care physician. It's best to wait until you return, and then get sick.

Q. I think I need to see a specialist, but my doctor insists he can handle my problem. Can a general practitioner really perform a heart transplant right in his office?

A. Hard to say, but considering that all you're risking is the $10 co-payment, there's no harm giving him a shot at it.

Q. What accounts for the largest portion of health care costs?

A. Doctors trying to recoup their investment losses.

Q. Will health care be any different in the next century?

A. No, but if you call right now, you might get an appointment by then.
 

My sister-in-law was in to see her doctor recently and she had
just heard that he wanted to put her mother on Prozac(My sister-
in-law has been on it for about 10 years)

She was upset by this andwent in raving,she told him he should "just have a Prozac dispenserin his waiting room because half the town is on it and it would save time writing all those prescriptions" among other things.

All the time she was ranting on he was sitting calmly listening and
occasionally writing on his pad.

When she finished he said "I thinkI need to increase your dosage" and handed her a new prescription.

MINDS & BEHINDS!

Two doctors opened offices in a small town and put up a sign reading:

"Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Psychiatry and Proctology"

The town's fathers were not too happy with that sign, so they changed it
to:

"Hysteria and Posteriors"

This was not acceptable either, so they changed the sign to:

"Schizoids and Hemorrhoids"

No go, so they tried:

"Catatonics and High Colonics"

Thumbs down again, so they tried:

"Manic-depressives and Anal-retentives"

Still not good, so they tried:

"Minds and Behinds"

Still no go. Nor did:

"Analysis and Anal Cysts",

"Freaks and Cheeks"

or

"Loons and Moons"

work either, so they finally settled on:

"Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Odds and Ends."
 

Subject: New Medications Recently Approved

St. Mom's Wort...Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to six hours.

EmptyNestrogen...Highly effective suppository that eliminates melancholy by enhancing the memory of how awful they were as teenagers and couldn't wait 'til they moved out.

Peptobimbo...Liquid silicone for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and improves flirting.

Dumerol...When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low I.Q. causing enjoyment of country western music.

Flipitor...Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.

Antiboyotics...When administered to teenage girls, is highly effective in improving grades, freeing up phone lines, and reducing money spent on make-up.

Menicillin...Potent antiboyotic for older women. Increases resistance to such lines as, "You make me want to be a better person... can we get naked now?"

Buyagra...Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency and duration of spending spree.

Extra Strength Buy-One-All...When combined with Buyagra, can cause an indiscriminate buying frenzy so severe the victim may even come home with a Donny Osmond CD or a book by Dr. Laura.

JackAsspirin...Relieves the headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary or phone number.

Anti-Talksident...A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers.

Sexcedrin...Bedroom aerosol spray for men. More effective than Excedrin in treating the "not-now-dear-I-have-a-headache" syndrome.

Ragamet...When administered to a husband, provides the same irritation as ragging on him all weekend, saving the wife the time and trouble of doing it herself.
 

The nurse at the Pathology Clinic was getting a bit beyond it.
She was approaching retirement and was continually getting things
mixed up.

One day, a young man came to the laboratory for a blood test. After a few minutes, the pathologist looked in on the nurse and his patient. There she was, rapidly stroking the very happy young man's firm erection.

"Good God, NO!" shouted the pathologist. "Stop it at once! I said, 'prick his finger'."

 

March 2002

Baltimore Star

March 11, 2002

Marylanders Misjudge Care First Execs.

"Get the whole story before you point fingers," says Care First Spokesperson.

Care First/Blue Cross Blue Shield of Maryland is is petitioning the Insurance Commissioner and the State Legislature to allow it to sell itself to a profit-making venture in California. Recently the liberal, consumer-coddling Baltimore media reported that the top executives of Maryland Care First will pocket over 33 million dollars if the sale goes through. The citizens of Maryland reacted with outrage.

"This is the usual way these stories get sensationalized," said Care First spokesperson, Sharon Dalute, "You don't actually think that our executives intend to keep these bonuses for their own personal use, now do you? Why would they do that? They certainly don't need the money. We already give them six and seven figure incomes. Actually each senior executive has elected to use his or her bonus to benefit the citizens of Maryland.

"William Jews, our CEO, intends to use his 9 million dollar bonus to help waive the high medication and medical equipment co-payments for Care First subscribers with diabetes and other chronic health conditions. Executive Vice-President Sharon Vecchioni intends to use her 2.3 million dollar bonus to reimburse all of the individuals with AD/HD who were denied psychotherapy benefits when Care First mistakenly believed that medication was the only effective treatment for AD/HD. David Wolf, another executive vice president, had never spent much time with any real Care First patients. He did play golf with some doctors once, so he decided to use his 3.6 million dollar bonus to reimburse physicians for the extra time they and their staff took away from patient care while managing burgeoning Care First paperwork and tracking down slow payments. John Picciotto, the Care First General Counsel, plans to donate his bonus to help a few of the individuals who gave up seeking reimbursement due to the Byzantine complexity of our contracts. He is aware that his 2.8 million bonus will only help a small portion of these individuals, but he hopes that if he takes the "get out of town quick" bonus, he may be able to help a few more. The other executives have plans to donate their fund to equally needy and equally underinsured Maryland citizens."

Politicians and regulators reacted quickly to these revelations. "I was right all along," declared Sen. Thomas Bromwell, "I hope that all those people who want to turn healthcare back to the non-profit ideas of the 1930s see how wrong they were."

Insurance Commissioner Steve Larson wiped away a tear as he faced reporters, "All this time I thought that I was trying to educate the public and help the citizens take a critical look at these monumental changes. Now I see how wrong I've been. These guys are so caring. and so politically savvy, We should just listen to them and trust that they know what is best for us."

 

The company I work for offers tours through the historic district of Annapolis, Maryland, led by guides dressed in Colonial clothing.

While leading a group, Felix, one of our guides, tripped and fell, breaking his wrist.

He went to the hospital, and as he sat waiting in the emergency room, a policeman walked by.

Doing a double take at Felix in his18th-century garb, he asked, "Just how long have you been waiting?"
 

"Is there a woman here in need of assistance ?" asked the medic from the ambulance as he knocked on the door.

"Yes." replied the man opening the door. "It's my wife. She has an electric vibrator lodged in her."

"Well, we'll have to transport her to the hospital." the medic replied. "Those things can be tricky to remove."

"Never mind." said the husband. "We have an HMO which doesn't allow Emergency Room visits except for life threatening incidents. But for now, could you at least turn it off ? It's interfering with the TV."

 

A woman goes to see her Podiatrist. She says, "Doc, I just got back from a few weeks in the Bahamas and the weather was so greatI spent most of the days just lying on the sand. But the strangest thing happened.

Whenever a good looking guy came by, I would get this strange tingling warm sensation between my toes." The foot doctor thought this was kind of unusual and examined her. He asked her if she had this sensation between all of her toes.

She replied, "Actually no, just between my 2 big toes!"

 

"I can't find a cause for your illness," the doctor said. "Frankly, I think it's due to drinking."

"In that case," replied the patient, "I'll come back when you are sober."
 

"I would like to see a woman dentist," said the man.

"Why?" asked his friend.

"Because it would be a pleasure to have a woman say 'open your mouth' instead of 'shup up!'"

 

With the immense popularity of Viagra it's not surprising that the company has now started to produce versions of the drug for specific groups of customers: Viagra Lite: For people who only want to masturbate
 

A doctor examined a woman and took her husband aside. "I don't want to alarm you," he said, "but I don't like the way your wife looks at all."

"Me neither, Doc." said the husband. "But she's a great cook and real good with the kids."

A lady came to the hospital to visit a dear friend. She had not been in a hospital for several years and felt very ignorant about all the new technology.

A technician followed her onto the elevator, wheeling a large, intimidating looking machine with tubes, wires and dials.

"Boy, would I hate to be hooked up to that thing," she said.

"So would I," replied the technician. It's a floor-cleaning machine.

 

Two very successful psychoanalysts occupied offices in the same building. One was 40 years old, the other over 70.They rode on the elevator together at the end of an unbearably hot, sticky day. The younger man was completely done in, and he noted with some resentment that his senior was fresh as a daisy.

"I don't understand," he marveled, "how you can listen to complaining patients from morning till night, on a day like this, and still look so spry and unbothered when it's over?"

The older analyst replied, "Who listens?"

 

There was a guy who had been having chronic trouble in trying to get an erection. After weeks of frustration, he finally breaks down and and goes to the doctor. The doctor gives him a thorough examination and finally makes the diagnosis.

"Well, there's good news and there's bad news," she says. "The bad news is that the muscles around your penis are deteriorating, and there is no cure."

The guy, on the verge of panic, finally regains his composure.

"So what's the good news?" he asks.

The doctor says, "There is an experimental treatment available, but there are no guarantees. It involves transplanting the muscles from a baby elephant's trunk into your penis. Would you like to try it?"

The guy thinks about it and finally says, "Well, the thought of going through life without being able to have sex is just too much for me. What have I got to lose? Let's do it."

So the doctor performs the operation.

A few weeks later, the guy takes his girlfriend out to a nice restaurant to celebrate his new equipment. While sitting at the table, he feels a stirring between his legs; it gets progressively
worse until it reaches the point of being painful.

Seeking relief, he reaches down and unzips his fly to relieve some of the pressure.

Suddenly, his penis leaps free from his pants, slides over the tabletop and grabs a dinner roll, then returns to his pants again.

"Wow!" says his stunned girlfriend, "That was impressive! Can you do that again?"

Eyes watering and face flushed, he says, "Probably...But I don't know if I can fit another dinner roll up my ass!"

Martin goes to see a therapist. During the session, the therapist asks, "How is your sex life?"

"I have a lot of issues with sex," Martin replies.

"What kind of issues?" the therapist asks.

"Oh, mostly Hustler, and Penthouse."

 

A New Hospital Wing

Recently, when a panel of doctors at our local hospital was asked to vote on adding a new wing, this is what happened....

The allergists voted to scratch it.

The dermatologists preferred no rash moves.

The gastroenterologists had a gut feeling about it.

The neurologists thought the administration had a lot of nerve.

The obstetricians stated they were laboring under a misconception.

The ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted.

The pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!"

The pediatricians said, "Grow up."

The proctologists said, "We are in arrears."

The psychiatrists thought it was madness.

The surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.

The radiologists could see right through it.

The internists thought it was a hard pill to swallow.

The plastic surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter."

The podiatrists thought it was a big step forward.

The urologists felt the scheme wouldn't hold water.

The anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas.

And the cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.

The HMOs killed it anyway

 

A new, young MD doing his residency in OB was quite embarassed performing female pelvic exams.

To cover his embarassment he had unconsciously formed a habit
of whistling softly.

The middle aged lady upon whom he was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassed him.

He looked up from his work and sheepishly said,"I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?"

She replied, "No Doctor, but the song you were whistling was 'I Wish I Was An Oscar Meyer Wiener'."

 

Once I was sick and I had to go to an ear, nose, and throat
doctor to get well.

There are ear doctors, nose doctors, throat doctors, gynecologists, proctologists, any place you got a hole, there's a guy who specializes in your hole. They make an entire career out of that hole. And if the ear doctor, nose doctor, throat doctor,gynecologist, or proctologist can't help you, he sends you to a surgeon.

Why?... So he can make a new hole....!

 

"Bill, I want you to drink a cup of hot water every morning," the doctor ordered. "Hot water. Do you understand? A man your age needs help for his elimination."

"Of course, Doctor, I understand. That'll be easy. I've been doing it for years anyhow, only my wife has been calling it coffee."

 

A man visited a psychiatrist to talk about his dream."Every night,"the man said,"I dream that these three hideous monsters
are sitting on the edge of my bed,ready to attack me."

"Hmmmm,"said the Doctor."I feel sure I can cure you of this problem, but the treatment will cost you somewhere between $20,000 and $30,000 dollars.

"$30,000 dollars!!!"the man gasped.

"Never mind getting rid of the monsters, Doctor.I think I'll go home and try to make friends with them."

Jeff was seeing his doctor. The doctor said, "I have good news and bad news."

"What's the bad news?"

"Your wife has syphillis."

"Jeez! What could possibly be good news."

"She didn't get it from you."

 

My Dad the dentist:

One of my little sister's baby tooth came lose and Dad, in his typical Dad way, got a piece of string and tied it to her tooth and tied the string to a door knob.

"I'll have it out in a jiffy honey", he said as he explained the procedure and began to count to 3.

As he shouted "Three!" and proceeded to slam the door my sister took off running after the door screaming "No no no no".My dad moved my sister back again and said "Don't be afraid honey it won't hurt you at all".

"You promise" she said.

"I promise" dad said...This time he slammed the door without counting, slamming his other hand in the door jam... which caused the door to bounce open and knock my sister off balanced which caused her to fall backwards far enough for the string to yank her tooth out....

"There now... you see?" he said with watering eyes, "I told you it wasn't going to hurt".

During a visit to a military medical clinic, I was sent to the lab to have blood drawn. The technician there was friendly and mentioned that his mood improved every day because he was due to leave the service in two months.

As he applied the tourniquet on my arm, he told me that taking the
blood wouldn't hurt much. Then, noticing my Air Force T-shirt he
asked me what my husband did.

When I replied that he was a recruiter, the technician smiled slyly and said, "This might hurt a little more than I thought."

 

Many men are buying "black market" Viagra pills from Mexican
mail-order stores.

The U.S. Food and Drug Administration announced that several of these pharmacies are mixing the Viagra with gound-up jumping beans.

The results can be horrible....

BABES VS. BABIES!

Following Smith's physical, Dr. Bernard sent his patient a bill.
A month went by without a remittance, the office sent the first letter...another bill, and then another, and then a fourth, but no payment came...

Finally he sent Smith a pathetic letter, claiming desperately strained
circumstances and enclosing a shot of his infant daughter.

On the back of the snapshot he wrote, "The reason I desperately need the money you owe me!"

Barely a week later a response from Smith arrived in the mail.

Dr. Bernard ripped it open eagerly, and found himself holding a picture of a gorgeous woman in a full length mink coat.

On the back of the photograph the patient had scrawled, "The reason I
can't pay!"
 

Things Not to Hear During Surgery:

Could you stop that thing from beating?

It's throwing my concentration off..

What's this doing here?

I hate it when they're missing stuff in here.

That's cool! Now can you make his leg twitch?!

I wish I hadn't forgotten my glasses.

Well folks, this will be an experiment for us all.

Sterile, shcmerile. The floor's clean, right?

Anyone see where I left that scalpel?

This patient has already had some kids, am I correct?

Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?

Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough.

FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out now!!

Darn! Page 47 of the manual is missing!

Darn, there go the lights again...

Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Heck, the guy's got two
of 'em.

Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!

Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.

Someone call the janitor - we're going to need a mop.

Bo! Bo! Come back with that! Bad Dog!

Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?

Hand me that....uh....that uh....thingie.

Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.

Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?

 

The American Medical Association has declared that the long term implications of drugs or medical procedures must be more fully considered.

Over the past few years, more money has been spent on breast implants and Viagra than is spent on Alzheimer's disease research.

It is now projected that by the year 2015 there will be fifty million people wandering around with huge breasts and erections who can't
remember what to do with them.

 

An Apple A Day..
----------------

While visiting a friend who was in the hospital, I noticed several
pretty nurses, each of whom was wearing a pin designed to look like an apple.

I asked one nurse what the pin signified.

"Nothing," she said with a smile. "It's just to keep the doctors away."

 

A 92-year-old man went to the doctor to get a physical.

A few days later, the doctor saw the man walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm.

A couple of days later, when the old man had an appointment with the doctor again, the Doc said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"

The man replied, "Just doing what you said doctor, 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'"

The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said you got a heart murmur. Be careful!"


 

Bill had been quite the ladies man and player all his life, but now that he was getting up there in age, his doctor was getting concerned about him.

"Bill," advised the doctor, "I can add 15 more years to your life if you will just quit your old routine of wine, women, and song."

Bill thought for a few minutes, then said, "Tell you what doc, I'll settle for five more years and just give up singing."

 

HUNCHBACK'S WIFE: I'm getting worried about that back of yours.
It looks really awful. Perhaps you should see a doctor.Eventually, after a lot of persuasion the Huchback goes to the doctor.

DOCTOR:I want you to get undressed. ( Hunchback removes jacket
then stops)

HUNCHBACK:I don't like getting undressed.

DOCTOR:If you want me to examine your back you'll have to get undressed.( Hunchback removes his shirt but leaves his vest on.)

HUNCHBACK:I don't like showing people my back. They always laugh
at me.

DOCTOR o you want me to examine your back or not? ( Very
reluctantly the hunchback removes his vest ( woollen undergarment
in UK ))

DOCTOR:How long is it since you were at school?

HUNCHBACK:Over 30 years. Why?

DOCTOR id you ever wonder what happened to your backpack?

I'm dyslexic, and I attended a conference about the disorder with a friend.

The speakers asked us to share a personal experience with the group. I told them that stress aggravates my condition, in which I reverse
words and letters when I'm tense.

When I finished speaking, my friend leaned over to me and wispered,
"Now I know why you named your daughter Hannah."

A man believes that he's inclined to be a cannibal and his wife convinces him to go see a psychiatrist.

When he returns home later, she asks, "So how was the psychiatrist ?"

"Delicious." her husband replied smiling.

 

An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and goes to see
his doctor.

"Doctor, I just can't get to sleep at night."

"Have you tried counting sheep?"

"That's the problem - I make a mistake and then spend three hours trying to find it."

 

Jack was laying on a gurney in the hospital room, naked from the
waist down,waiting for an operation. Like most hospitals, he lay
there naked,and alone...waiting.A knock-out looking nurse finally comes in and notices a fly walking on top of his rather erect penis.

She exclaimed, "Shall I knock it off for you?"

Jack replied,"No, baby,just kiss me and I'll paste him to the ceiling."

A doctor told Mrs. Smith to give her husband one pill aday and one drink of whiskey to improve his stamina.

A month later, when Mrs. Smith came in for anothervisit, the doctor asked, "How are we doing with thepill and the whiskey?"

Mrs. Smith answered, "Well, he's a little behind with thepills, but he's about six months ahead with the whiskey."

 

"You're in remarkable shape for a man your age," said the doctor to the seventy-year old man after the examination.

"I know it," said the old gentleman. "I've really got only one complaint. My sex drive is too high. Got anything you cando for that, Doc?"

The doctor's mouth dropped open. "Your what?!" he gasped.

"My sex drive," said the old man. "It's too high, and I'd like to have you lower it if you can."

"Lower it?!" exclaimed the doctor, still unable to believe what the seventy-year old gentleman was saying. "Just what do you consider 'high'?"

"These days it seems like it's all in my head, Doc," said the old man, "and I'd like to have you lower it a couple of feet if you can."


 

Viagra in Spanish, we're told, is "viejos agradecidos" or "great old guys".

Viagra has been a big boon to 'stand up' comedians.

A man spent too much money on Viagra: Now, he's hard up.

Viagra in chocolate bars - you eat it, She says, "Oh Henry!"

A bank sign in Dallas during this heat wave complains: "Who put
Viagra in the thermometer?"

A self-rising bread with Viagra as an added ingredient is being
marketed through a Boston bakery under the name "Pepperidge Firm".

Did you hear about the first death from an overdose of Viagra? A man took twelve pills and his wife died.

A man at the pharmacy to pick up his Viagra prescription exclaimed
over the $10/pill price. His wife, who was with him, had a different opinion: "Oh, $40 a year isn't too bad."

Have you tried the new hot beverage, Viagraccino? One cup and you're up all night.

Men are being warned not to take Viagra with nitrates after five
gentlemen in India did so and changed the balance of power in the
region.

The Viagra computer virus turns your floppy disk into a hard drive.

The Viagra Super virus then sucks all your data off the hard drive.

If you're depressed and think you might need Viagra, see a professional. If that doesn't work, see a doctor!

A guy named Dave emailed us that he left his Viagra tablet in his
shirt pocket when he sent it to the laundry. Now, his shirt is too
stiff to wear.

We received the report today that it is no longer necessary to stake tomato plants. Just dissolve a Viagra tablet in the water and they stand up straight and tall.

Viagra is now being compared to Disneyland - a one-hour wait for a
2-minute ride.

Dan Quail does not support Viagra. Quote: "I've been using this
stuff for a week and NOTHING! It's the worst suppository I've ever used."

Men taking iron supplements are warned that taking Viagra may cause them to spin around and point north.

Rumor has it that when a truck carrying a load of Viagra slid off
into the Ohio River, all the lift bridges suddenly went up.

New plans are being made to raise the Titanic. Experts plan to pump it full of Viagra, and expect it to raise right up.

For years the medical professional has been looking after the ill, to make them better. Now, with Viagra, they're raising the dead!

The difference between Niagara and Viagra? Niagara Falls.

It's been said that if you take Viagra and Propecia (or use Rogain) at the same time, things work great -- but you look like Don King, afterward.

A Viagra delivery truck was high-jacked: The police are looking
for two 'hardened criminals'. They expect a stiff penalty under
the penal code.

Unconfirmed but frequent reports tell us that a man who overdosed
on Viagra caused the funeral home problems - they couldn't close
his coffin lid for 3 days.

Even so, we're told that the funeral home industry is happy about Viagra overdoses: Lots of new stiffs means an upswing in business.

The nursing home that gives viagra to its male patients to prevent
them rolling out of bed!

A man goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. He hasn't been feeling well and wants to find out if he's ill. After the checkup the doctor comes out with the results of the examination.

"I'm afraid I have some bad news. You're dying and you don't have much time," the doctor says.

"Oh no, that's terrible. How long have I got?" the man asks.

"10..." says the doctor.

"10? 10 what? Months? Weeks? What?!" he asks desperately.

"10...9...8...7..."

Three doctors are in the duck blind and a bird flies overhead.

Thegeneral practitioner looks at it and says, "Looks like a duck, flies like a duck... it's probably a duck," and shoots at it but
misses and the bird flies away.

The next bird flies overhead and the pathologist looks at it, then looks through the pages of a bird manual, and says, "Hmmmm...green wings, yellow bill, quacking sound...might be a duck." He raises his gun to shoot it, but the bird is long gone.

A third bird flies over. The surgeon raises his gun and shoots almost without looking, brings the bird down, and turns to the pathologist and says, "Go see if that was a duck."

 

The Italian composer, Rossini, went to see his doctor. After examining him, the doctor said, "Your trouble stems from wine, women and song."

Rossini suggested, "Well, I can get along without the songs, since I compose my own."

The doctor said, "Well, which of the other two are you prepared to give up?"

Rossini relied, "That depends entirely on the vintage."

 

"Just try to relax, this won't take long," said the gynecologist
trying to calm the obviously nervous young blonde patient.

"Haven't you ever been examined like this before?" he asked.

"Yeah, sure," she replied, "but not by a doctor!"

There was a midget down in Texas who complained to his buddy that his testicles ached almost all the time. As he was always complaining about his problem, his friend finally suggested that he go to the doctor to see what could be done to relieve the problem.

The midget took his advice and went to the doctor and told him what the problem was. The doctor told him to drop his pants and he would have a look. The midget dropped his pants. The doctor put him up onto the examining table,and started to examine him.

The doc put one finger under his left testicle and told the midget to turn his head and cough-the usual method to check for a hernia.

"Aha!" mumbled the doc and putting his finger under the right testicle, he asked the midget to cough again.

"Aha!" said the doctor and reached for his surgical scissors. Snip, snip, snip, snip on the right side then snip, snip, snip, snip, snip, snip, snip on the left side.

The midget was so scared he was afraid to look, but noted with amazement that the snipping did not hurt. The doctor then told the midget to get dressed and see if they still ached.

The midget was absolutely delighted as he walked around the doc's office and discovered his testicles were no longer aching.

"Gee, what did you do, Doc?" he asked.

The doc replied, "I cut two inches off the tops of your cowboy boots."

 

RAPID RESPONSE

Working on a small town ambulance, it was not uncommon for my husband and me to stop at the local grocer to buy food for dinner after a call. I had gone in to get a head of lettuce and some apples. Unknown to me the floor was wet from the newly installed produce sprayers.

Down I went, hitting my head hard. When I came to, the manager of the store was sitting beside me telling me not to move, that he had called 911.

At the same time my pager went off and he looked at me and asked, “What was that?

I said "My pager, I am 911."

He looked at me, shocked " Boy, you guys are fast!"

 

At the psychiatrist’s
Doctor : Now, what can I do to help you?
Patient : I’m very worried, doctor.
Doctor : I see. What’s your problem?
Patient : I haven’t got one.
Doctor : Pardon?
Patient : I haven’t got a problem. I’m very worried.
Doctor : I don’t understand.
Patient : Well … I’ve got a good job, I’m very well paid, and have
a wonderful home and family.
Doctor : I see.
Patient : All my friends have problems.
Doctor : And you haven’t got one.
Patient : That’s right.
Doctor : Well, I think I can help you.
(He writes something on a piece of paper)
Here, take this.
Patient : What is it?
Doctor : It’s my bill
Patient : Wait a minute! It’s a thousand pounds! I can’t pay that!
Doctor : Good! Now you HAVE a problem!

"Doctor, that rectal exam hurt like hell. What did you do?"

"I used two fingers."

"What for?"

"I needed a second opinion."

 

Sue Bee

Three elderly ladies were at the doctor for a cognitive reasoning
test. The doctor says to the first gal, "What is three times
three?"

"297," was her prompt reply. "Ummm humm," says the doc.

The doctor says to the lady, "It's your turn now. What is three
times three?"

"Friday," replies the second lady. "Ummm humm..."

Then the doc says to the third, "Okay, mam, your turn. What's
three times three?"

"Nine," says she. "That's wonderful!" says the doc. "Tell me, how
did you get that?"

"Simple," she says, beaming... "I subtracted 297 from Friday!"

Doctor, Doctor I feel like a pair of curtains
Well pull yourself together then

Doctor, Doctor, everyone keeps ignoring me.
Next please!

Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking there is two of me
One at a time please

Doctor, Doctor, some days I feel like a tee-pee and other days I feel like a wig-wam.
You're too tents.

Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I’m invisible
Who said that?

Doctor, Doctor My little boy has just swallowed a roll of film!
Hmmmm.Let's hope nothing develops.

Doctor, Doctor, I can't get to sleep.
Sit on the edge of the bed and you'll soon drop off.

Doctor, Doctor I’ve lost my memory!
When did this happen?
When did what happen?

Doctor, Doctor, I feel like a pack of cards.
I'll deal with you later.

Doctor, Doctor my son has swallowed my pen, what should I do?
Use a pencil ‘till I get there

 

Doctor, Doctor I think I'm a bell?
Take these and if it doesn't help give me a ring!

Doctor, Doctor I think I'm suffering from Deja Vu!
Didn't I see you yesterday?

Doctor, Doctor I've got wind! Can you give me something?
Yes - here's a kite!

Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm a dog.
Sit on the couch and we will talk about it.
But I'm not allowed up on the couch!

Doctor, Doctor You've got to help me -
I just can't stop my hands shaking
Do you drink a lot?
Not really - I spill most of it!

Doctor, Doctor Have you got something for a bad headache?
Of course. Just take this hammer and hit yourself in the head.
Then you'll have a bad headache.

Doctor, Doctor I think I'm a bridge
What's come over you?
Oh, two cars, a large truck and a coach.

Doctor Doctor I feel like biscuits!
What, you mean those square ones?
Yes!
The ones you put butter on?
Yes!
Oh, You're Crackers!

Doctor, Doctor Can I have second opinion?
Of course, come back tomorrow!

Doctor, Doctor When I press with my finger here... it hurts, and here... it hurts, and here... and here... What do you think is wrong with me?
You have a broken finger!

 

Doctor, Doctor I think I'm a dog.
How long have you felt like this ?
Ever since I was a puppy !

Doctor, Doctor you have to help me out !
Certainly, which way did you come in ?

Doctor, Doctor my little boy has just swallowed a roll of film.
Well lets just wait and see if anything develops !

Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm God
When did this start ?
Well first I created the sun, then the earth...

Doctor, Doctor I feel like a pack of cards.
I'll deal with you later !

Doctor, Doctor I feel like a spoon !
Well sit still and don't stir !

Doctor, Doctor I keep getting pains in the eye when I drink coffee
Have you tried taking the spoon out ?

Doctor, Doctor I think I need glasses
You certainly do, Sir, this is a fish and chip shop !

Doctor, Doctor I've just swallowed a pen
Well sit down and write your name !

Doctor, Doctor I feel like a dog !
Sit !

 

Rated G Doctor Doctor Jokes

Doctor, Doctor I feel like a sheep.
That's baaaaaaaaaad !

Doctor, Doctor you've taken out my tonsils, my adenoids, my gall bladder, my varicose veins and my appendix, but I still don't feel well.
That's quite enough out of you !

Doctor, Doctor I'm becoming invisible.
Yes I can see you're not all there !

Doctor how can I cure my sleep walking ?
Sprinkle tin-tacks on your bedroom floor !

Doctor these pills you gave me for BO...
What's wrong with them ?
They keep slipping out from under my arms !

Doctor, Doctor my husband smells like fish
Poor sole !

Doctor: You seem to be in excellent health. Your pulse is as regular as clockwork.
Patient: That's because you've got your hand on my watch !

Doctor, Doctor my sister thinks she is a lift !
Well tell her to come in
I can't she doesn't stop at this floor !

Doctor, Doctor I've had tummy ache since I ate three crabs yesterday.
Did they smell bad when you took them out of their shells ?
What do you mean "took them out of their shells !"
 

Rated G Doctor Doctor IV

Doctor, Doctor everyone keeps throwing me in the garbage.
Don't talk rubbish !

Doctor, Doctor I'm boiling up !
Just simmer down !

Doctor, Doctor will this ointment clear up my spots ?
I never make rash promises !

Doctor, Doctor I feel like a needle.
I see your point !

Tell me straight Doc, Is it bad ?
Well, I ouldn't start watching any new soap operas !

Doctor Doctor I feel like a racehorse.
Take one of these every 4 laps !

Doctor, Doctor I feel like a bee.
Well buzz off I'm busy !

Doctor, Doctor I'm a burglar !
Have you taken anything for it ?

Doctor, Doctor I keep seeing double.
Please sit on the couch.
Which one !

Doctor, Doctor I think I'm a telephone.
Well, take these pills and if they don't work then give me a ring

 

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TOP TEN SIGNS YOUR'RE A BAD SURGEON GENERAL

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A very interesting fact

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Napoleon & God

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Doctor's Orders

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New Doctor

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Frazzled, wrinkled, bloodshot

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The Doctor's Convention

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Headache Advice

Millions of Americans regularly suffer from headaches.Here are some tips to help prevent them and ease the pain:

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AND ALL THAT GAS...

A gastroenterologist claims these are actual comments made by his patients while he was performing colonoscopies:

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Jethro at the therapist's

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Crazy

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Interesting Analogy
-------------------

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DOC, I HAVE A QUESTION

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Unapproved Acronyms

CDT:

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How to tell a new nurse from an experienced nurse....

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Eye Exam

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Drug use, the legal drugs...

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Patient:

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Crazy Ass Joke

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Signs that It's Going To Be a Bad Shift

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Top 20 Euphemisms for Penis Enlargement Surgery

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Woman:

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The Final Countdown

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MEDICAL TERMINOLOGY!!!

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Q :

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What Do You Need?

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Modern medicine.....

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Patient to doctor:

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