This is topic BOSSES in forum Bob Maar's Joke-A-Thon at Film-Tech Forum ARCHIVE.
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Posted by Will Kutler (Member # 770) on 06-29-2001, 06:49 PM:
RATED RTHE BOSS
When the body was first made, all parts wanted to be boss. The brain said, "Since I control everything and do all the thinking, I sould be boss".
The hands said, "Since I do all the work and earn all the money to keep the rest of you going, I should be boss."
The eyes said, " "Since I must look out for all of you and tell you were danger lurks, I should be boss."
And so it went. The heart, ears, lungs and finally the Asshole spoke up and demanded to be boss. All of the other body parts laughed and laughed at the idea of an Asshole being made boss.
The Asshole was so angered that he blocked himself off and refused to function. Soon, the brain was feverish, the eyes crossed and ached, the feet were too weak to walk, the hands hung limply at the sides, the lungs and heart struggled to keep going. All pleaded with the brain to relent and let the Asshole be boss.
And so it happened. All the other parts did their workand the Asshole just bossed and passed out a lot of shit.
THE MORAL: You don't have to be a brain to be boss, just an ASSHOLE! 
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 07-02-2001, 07:43 AM:
Rated G 
A father came home from a long business trip to find his son riding a new 21 speed mountain bike.
"Where did you get the money for the bike? It must have cost $300," he asked.
"Easy, Dad," little Johnny replied. "I earned it hiking."
"Come on Johnny," the father said. "Tell me the truth."
"That is the truth!" Johnny replied. "Every night you were gone, Mom's boss, Mr. Reynolds, would come over to see Mom.
He'd give me a $20 bill and tell me to take a hike!"
Posted by Will Kutler (Member # 770) on 07-02-2001, 02:10 PM:
Rated RBosses are like dirty diapers...always on your ASS, and usually full of !
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-22-2002, 01:13 PM:
Rated PG ![[Smile]](smile.gif)
TOP TEN SIGNS THAT YOUR BOSS IS OUT TO GET YOU
10. Douses your quarterly report with kerosene, sets it ablaze.
9. Puts "Downsize Me" sign on your back.
8.Secretly replaces your coffee with ground up cockroaches and ants.
7. You are the only one to receive memo proclaiming Friday to be "Naked Day".
6. Brings baseball bat to staff meeting; asks you specifically if you've ever seen "The Untouchables".
5. Keeps asking, "Where's your visitor tag?"
4. Takes away your Keyword; gives it to Letterman.
3. Continuously submits lame Top Ten submissions under your name.
2. Makes you the lead guy on new "Cigarettes for Toddlers" campaign.
1. Scuba diver with videocam now tracks your movements around water cooler. ![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-22-2002, 01:18 PM:
Rated PG BOSS JOKES
Quote from a recent meeting: "We are going to continue having these meetings, everyday, until I find out why no work is getting done"
Quote from the Boss... "I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame it on you.
A motivational sign at work: The beatings will continue until morale improves.
A direct quote from the Boss: "We passed over a lot of good people to get the ones we hired."
My Boss frequently gets lost in thought. That's because it's unfamiliar territory.
My Boss said to me "What you see as a glass ceiling, I see as a protective barrier."
My Boss needs a surge protector. That way her mouth would be buffered from surprise spikes in her brain.
I thought my Boss was a bastard, and quit, to work for myself. My new Boss is a bastard, too ... but at least I respect him.
He's given automobile accident victims new hope for recovery. He walks, talks and performs rudimentary tasks, all without the benefit of a SPINE.
Some people climb the ladder of success. My Boss walked under it.
Quote from the Boss after overriding the decision of a task force he created to find a solution: " I'm sorry if I ever gave you the impression your input would have any effect on my decision for the outcome of this project!"
HR Manager to job candidate "I see you've had no computer training. Although that qualifies you for upper management, it means you're under-qualified for our entry level positions."
Quote from telephone inquiry "We're hiring only one summer intern this year and we won't start interviewing candidates for that position until the Boss' daughter finishes her summer classes.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-23-2002, 09:40 AM:
Rated G
Bosses versus workers
When I take a long time, I am slow.
When my boss takes a long time, he is thorough.
When I don't do it, I am lazy.
When my boss doesn't do it, he's too busy.
When I do it without being told, I'm trying to be smart.
When my boss does the same, that is initiative.
When I please my boss, that's brown-nosing.
When my boss pleases his boss, that's co-operating.
When I do good, my boss never remembers.
When I do wrong, he never forgets.
Posted by System Notices (Member # 2357) on 01-28-2005, 10:49 AM:
It has been 767 days since the last post.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-28-2005, 10:49 AM:
Rated G ![[Eek!]](eek.gif)
For thirty years, Johnson had arrived at work at 9A.M. on the dot. He had never missed a day and was never late.
Consequently, when on one particular day 9 A.M. passed without Johnson's arrival, it caused a sensation. All work ceased, and the boss himself, looking at his watch and muttering, came out into the corridor.
Finally, precisely at ten, Johnson showed up, clothes dusty and torn, his face scratched and bruised, his glasses bent. He limped painfully to the time clock, punched in, and said, aware that all eyes were upon him, "I tripped and rolled down two flights of stairs in the subway. Nearly killed myself."
And the boss said, "And to roll down two flights of stairs took you a whole hour?"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-31-2005, 08:39 PM:
Rated PG
Ten great reasons to go to work naked
10. No-one ever steals your chair.
9. Gives "bad hair day" a whole new meaning.
8. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work drunk.
7. People stop stealing your pens after they've seen where you keep them.
6. You want to see if it's like the dream.
5. To stop those creepy programmer guys from looking down your blouse.
4. "I'd love to chip in... but I left my wallet in my pants."
3. It's an inventive way to finally meet that 'special' person in Human Resources.
2. You can take advantage of your computer monitor radiation to work on your tan.
And ... drum roll ... the Number One reason to go to work naked :
1. Your boss will never say, "I wanna see your ass in here by 8:00!" ever again.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-31-2005, 08:41 PM:
Rated G
Ten best things to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk
10."They told me at the blood bank this might happen."
9."This is just a 15 minute power nap like they raved about in that time management course you sent me to."
8. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the white out. You probably got here just in time."
7. "I wasn't sleeping, I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm."
6. "I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance."
5. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Do you discriminate against people who practice Yoga?"
4. "Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."
3. "The coffee machine is broken."
2. "Someone must have put decaf in the wrong pot."
1. " ... in God's name, Amen."
Posted by Monte L Fullmer (Member # 2797) on 11-17-2005, 05:23 AM:
Do you keep falling asleep in business meetings and seminars, office people? What about those long and boring conference calls? Thanks to the folks Downunder (i.e. Australians), there is now a way to change all of that. It's called Bullshit Bingo. Here's how it works:
1. Before (or during) your next meeting, seminar, or conference call, prepare your Bullshit Bingo card by drawing a square - 5 x 5 is a good size - and dividing it into columns - five across and five down. This will give you 25 x 1-inch blocks.
2. Write one of the following words/phrases in EACH block: synergy, strategic fit, core competencies, best practice, bottom line, revisit, take that offline, 24/7, out of the loop, benchmark, value added, proactive, win/win, think outside the box, fast track, result-driven, empower (or empowerment), knowledge base, at the end of the day, touch base, mindset, client focus(ed), ballpark, game plan, leverage, and paradigm.
3. Check off the appropriate block when you hear one of those words/phrases.
4. When you get five blocks horizontally, vertically, or diagonally, stand up and shout BULLSHIT!
Testimonials from satisfied Bullshit Bingo players:
* "I had been in the meeting for only five minutes when I won." - Jack W., Sydney.
* "My attention span at meetings has improved dramatically." - David Dingo, Sydney.
* "What a gas! Meetings will never be the same for me after my first win." - Bill Redbutt, Melbourne.
* "The atmosphere was tense in the last process meeting as 14 of us waited for the fifth box." - Ben Gross, Brisbane.
* "The speaker was stunned as eight of us screamed BULLSHIT! for the third time in two hours!" - Kathleen Loesser, Canberra.