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Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-30-2001, 10:39 AM:
Rated G 
Golfer: "I've played so poorly all day; I think I'm going to go drown myself in that lake."
Caddy: "I don't think you could keep your head down that long.
"Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to be able to break 100 on this course."
Caddy: "Try heaven," advised the caddie. "You've already moved most of the earth."
Golfer: "This is the worst golf course I've ever played on!"
Caddy: "This isn't the golf course, sir! We left that an hour ago"
Golfer: "Well Caddy, How do you like my game?"
Caddy: "Very good, Sir! But personally I prefer Golf."
Golfer: "Well, I have never played this badly before!
Caddy: "I didn't realize you had played before, Sir."
Golfer: "Caddy, Do you think my game is improving?"
Caddy: "Oh yes, Sir! You miss the ball much closer than you used to.
Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time, caddy. It's distracting!"
Caddy: "This isn't a watch, Sir, its a compass!"
Golfer: "Caddy, do you think it is a sin to play golf on Sunday?"
Caddy: "The way you play, Sir, its a sin any day of the week!"
Golfer: "This golf is a funny game."
Caddy: "It's not supposed to be."
Golfer: "That can't be my ball, caddie. It looks far too old."
Caddy: "It's a long time since we started, sir."
Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5-iron?"
Caddy: "Eventually."
Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world!" he screamed."
Caddy: "I doubt it," replied the caddy. "That would-be too much of a coincidence. 
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 07-27-2001, 11:15 AM:
Rated G 
A man goes skydiving for the first time.
After listening to the instructor for what seems like days, he is ready to go. Excited, he jumps out of the airplane.
After a bit, he pulls the ripcord.
Nothing happens...
He tries again...
Still nothing...
He starts to panic, but remembers his back-up chute. He pulls that cord...
Nothing happens...
He frantically begins pulling both cords, but to no avail.
Suddenly, he looks down and he can't believe his eyes. Another man is in the air with him, but this guy is going *up*! Just as the other guy passes by, the skydiver (by this time scared out of his wits) yells, "Hey, do you know anything about skydiving?"
The other guy yells back, "No! Do you know anything about gas stoves?"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 07-27-2001, 11:20 AM:
Rated G 
Gary, the fisherman, had driven by the lake many times and had seen some other anglers about, so he decided to give his luck a try.
On his first day of fishing he had no luck at all but noticed that another fisherman near him that was scooping in one after another. He had to know the secret.
"Excuse me sir, but would you mind telling me what sort of bait you are using?" he asked.
The other man looked around a bit embarrassed. "Well, I am a surgeon, and quite by accident I found that human tonsil works very well."
Gary thanked the man, thought about what sort of bait to try next time, and left.
The next day, Gary returned to the lake, tried a different bait and still had no luck.
Just as the day before, there was yet a different man reeling in fish after fish.
"Excuse me," asked Gary, "but could you suggest a bait that I could try?"
"Well, I can but I am not sure it will do you any good. I am using a bit of human appendix."
"Hmm," thought Gary. It seemed that the fish in this lake would require a little more effort than normal. He left, willing to give the lake one more try.
On the third day, Gary still had no luck. As was usual, there was yet another man near him bringing in fish left and right.
Gary wanted to confirm what he already knew. "Excuse me sir, but are you a doctor?"
"No, I am a Rabbi. Why do you ask?"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 07-30-2001, 07:39 AM:
Rated G 
My wife said to me ---George, it is about time that you learned to play golf .
You know, golf-- that's the game where you chase a ball all over the country when you are to old to chase women.
So I went to see Jones and asked him if he would teach me how to play. He said sure, you've got balls, haven't you? I said yes but sometimes on cold mornings they're kinda hard to find.
Bring them to the clubhouse tomorrow he said and we will tee off.
What's tee off, I asked?
He said it's a golf term and we have to tee off in front of the clubhouse.
Not for me I said, you can tee off there if you want to but I'll go behind the barn, somewhere.
No, no he said, a tee is a little thing about the size of your little finger.
Yeah, I've got one of those. Well, he said, you stick it in the ground and put your ball on top of it.
I asked, do you play golf sitting down? I always thought you stood up and walked around.
You do, he said, you're standing up when you put your ball on the tee.
Well folks, I thought that was stretching things just a little to far and I said so.
He said: You've got a bag haven't you?
Sure, I said. He said, your balls are in it, aren't they?
Of course, I told him. Well, He said, can't you open the bag and take one out?
I said, I suppose I could, but damned if I was going to.
He asked if I didn't have a zipper on my bag, but I told him, no, I'm the old fashioned type.
Then he asked me if I knew how to hold my club. Well, after fifty years I should have some sort of an idea, I told him so.
He said you take your club in both hands--folks, I knew right then he didn't know what he was talking about.
Then he said you swing it over your shoulder. No, no, that's my brother you're thinking about.
He asked me, how do you hold your club, and before I thought I said "in two fingers."
He said that wasn't right and got behind me and put both arms around me and told me to bend over and he would show me how.
He couldn't catch me there, because I didn't put up four years in the Navy for nothing.
He said you hit the ball with your club and it will soar and soar.
I said I could well imagine. Then he said, and when you're on the green--what's the green, I asked.
That's where the hole is, he said. Sure you're not color blind, I asked.
No, then you take your putter.
What's the putter, I asked.
That's the smallest club made, he said. That's what I've got, a putter. And with it, he said you put your ball in the hole,
I corrected, you mean the putter.
He said, the ball, the hole isn't big enough for the ball and the putter.
Well, I've seen holes big enough for a horse and wagon.
Then he said, after you make the first hole you go on to the next seventeen.
He wasn't talking to me. After two holes I'm shot to hell.
You mean, he said, you can't make eighteen holes in one day?
Hell, it takes me eighteen days to make one hole, and besides, how do I know when I'm in the eighteenth hole?
That would be just my luck.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 07-31-2001, 10:35 AM:
Rated PG Our story begins at the Olympics, specifically the wrestling event. It is narrowed down to the Russian or the American for the gold medal. Before the final match, the American wrestler’s trainer came to him and said, “Now don’t forget the research we’ve done on this Russian. He’s never lost a match because of this “pretzel” hold he has. Whatever you do, don’t let him get you in this hold! If he does, you’re finished!”
The wrestler nodded in agreement.
Now, to the match: The American and the Russian circled each other several times looking for an opening. All of the sudden the Russian lunged, and grabbed the American then wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold!
A sigh of disappointment went up from the crowd, and the trainer buried his face in his hands for he knew all was lost. He couldn’t watch the ending.
Suddenly there was a scream, a cheer from the crowd, and the trainer raised his eye just in time to see the Russian flying up in the air. The Russian’s back hit the mat with a thud, and the American weakly collapsed on top of him, getting the pin and winning the match.
The trainer was astounded! When he finally got the American wrestler alone, he asks, “How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!”
The wrestler answered, “Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold, but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of balls right in front of my face. I thought I had nothing to lose, so with my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could....
“You’d be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own balls!”
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 07-31-2001, 11:45 AM:
Rated G
A little boy was overheard talking to himself as he strode through his backyard, baseball cap in place and toting the ball and bat.
“I’m the greatest baseball player in the world,” he said proudly. Then he tossed the ball in the air, swung and missed.
Undaunted, he picked up the ball, threw it into the air and said to himself, “I’m the greatest baseball player ever!”
He swung at the ball again, and again he missed. He paused a moment to examine the bat and ball carefully.
Then once again he threw the ball into the air and said, “I’m the greatest baseball player who ever lived.”
He swung the bat hard and again missed the ball.... “Wow!” he exclaimed. “What a pitcher!”
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 08-23-2001, 12:03 PM:
Rated G 
Soccer Girl
Sandy began a job as an elementary school counselor and was eager to help.
One day during recess she noticed a girl standing by herself on one side of a playing field while the rest of the kids enjoyed a game of soccer at the other.
Sandy approached and asked if she was all right.
The girl said she was.
A little while later, however, Sandy noticed the girl was in the same spot, still by herself.
Approaching again, Sandy offered, "Would you like me to be your friend?
The girl hesitated, then said, "Okay," looking at the woman suspiciously.
Feeling she was making progress, Sandy then asked, "Why are you standing here all alone?"
"Because," the little girl said with great exasperation, "I'm the damn goalie!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 09-01-2001, 02:01 PM:
Rated G 
Bubba was Alabama's star lineman.
He was great at football, but not at academics.
The principal was letting it slide until one day he decided that Bubba's grades HAD to be better. They decided to make him take a test. It was only one math problem
Everyone wanted to support Bubba out in the stands, so they held the test in the middle of the football stadium, so everyone could see.
His math teacher went out to the center of the field with Bubba.
It was test time.
The teacher said, ''Ok, Bubba. What is six plus three?''
Bubba sat and thought. Then he said, ''nine,'' confidently.
But out in the stands, everyone was yelling, ''Aw, c'mon. Give him another chance!''
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 09-01-2001, 02:08 PM:
Rated G
Two football players, Bubba and Tiny, were taking an important exam. If they failed, they would be on academic probation and not allowed to play in the big game the following week.
The exam was “fill in the blank” and the last question read, “Old MacDonald had a_____.”
Bubba was stumped -- he had no idea what to answer, but he knew he needed to get this one right to be sure he passed.
Making sure the professor wasn't watching, he tapped Tiny in the shoulder.
“Tiny, what's the answer to the last question?”
Tiny laughed, then looked around to make sure the professor hadn't noticed.
He turned to Bubba and said, “Bubba, you're so stupid.
Everyone knows that Old MacDonald had a FARM.”
“Oh yeah,” said Bubba, “I remember now.” he picked up his No. 2 pencil and started to write the answer in the blank.
Then he stopped. Tapping Tiny on the shoulder, he whispered, “Tiny, how do you spell farm?”
“You are really dumb, Bubba. that's so easy,” hissed Tiny, “farm is spelled ‘E-I-E-I-O’.”
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 09-02-2001, 08:51 AM:
Rated G
Bobby Knight, after living a full life, died.
When he got to heaven, God was showing him around.
They came to a modest little house with a faded IU flag in the window. "This house is yours for eternity, Bobby," said God. "This is very special; not everyone gets a house up here."
Bobby felt special, indeed, and walked up to his house. On his way up the porch, he noticed another house just around the corner. It was a three-story mansion with a black and gold sidewalk, 50-foot tall flagpole with an enormous Purdue flag and, in every window, a Boilermaker logo.
Bobby looked at God and said "God, I'm not trying to be ungrateful, but I have a question. I was a good coach, I won 3 NCAA titles, 600+ games and I even went to the hall of fame. So why does Gene Keady get a better house than me?"
God chuckled, and said "Bobby, that's not Gene Keady's house, it's mine!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 09-02-2001, 09:21 PM:
Rated PG A group of third, fourth and fifth graders accompanied by two female teachers went on a field trip to the local race track to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry.
During the tour some of the children wanted to go to the toilet so it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.
As the teacher assigned to the boys waited outside the men's toilet, one of the boys came out and told her that he couldn't reach the urinal.
Having no choice, the teacher went inside and began hoisting the little boys up by their armpits, one by one.
As she lifted one up by the armpits, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well-endowed for an elementary school child. "I guess you must be in the fifth," she said.
"No ma'am," he replied, "I'm in the seventh, riding Silver Arrow. Thanks for the lift anyhow."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 09-02-2001, 09:31 PM:
Rated G A blonde, a brunette, and a red head are going to have a swimming race across the English Channel.
There is only one rule: they have to do the breast stroke.
About a day after the start of the race, the brunette comes in first and is delighted that she is the fastest woman ever to swim across the channel.
About an hour later, the red head comes in. She is happy that she didn't lose but is upset she didn't win.
About two weeks later, the blondes body floats up to shore.
She is almost dead with dehydration and hunger. As the medics rush to her aid, her last words to the life gaurd are this: "I don't want to sound like a poor loser, but those other girls were using their arms.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 09-03-2001, 08:45 AM:
Rated G 
One day, a diver was enjoying the aquatic world 20 feet belowsea level.
He noticed a guy at the same depth he was, with no scuba gear on what so ever.
The diver went below another 10 feet,but the guy joined him a minute later.
The diver went below 15more feet, a minute later, the same guy joined him
This confused the diver, so he took out a waterproof chalkboard,and wrote, "How the heck are you able to stay under this deep without equipment?"
The guy took the board and chalk, erased what the diver hadwritten, and wrote, "I'm drowning, you moron!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 09-03-2001, 09:01 AM:
Rated G 
decides to try horseback riding, even though he has had no lessons or prior experience.
He mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion.
It gallops along at a steady rhythmic pace as Posh stands back in admiration, but then................................. he begins to slip from the saddle. In terror he grabs the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip.
He tries to throw his arms around the horse's neck, but he slides down the side of the horse anyway.
The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slippingrider.
Finally, he gives up his frail grasp and he attempts to leap away from the horse and throw himself to safety.
Unfortunately, his foot has become entangled in the stirrup, now he is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as his head is struck against the ground over and over.
stands there frantic, unable to do anything to help as his head is battered against the ground.
He is mere moments awayfrom unconsciousness when to his great fortune..... The Film-Tech security guard sees him, leans over, and unplugs the horse.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-11-2002, 09:32 PM:
Rated PG A SKIING EMBARRASSMENT!
Conditions were perfect. 12 below, no feeling in the toes, basic numbness all over, "tell me when we're having fun" kind of day.
One of the women in the group complained to her husband that she was in dire need of a restroom. He told her not to worry, that he was sure there was relief waiting at the top of the lift in the form of a powder room for female skiers in distress. He was wrong, of course, and the pain did not go away.
If you've ever had nature hit its panic button in you, then you know that a temperature of 12 below zero doesn't help matters. So, with time running out, the woman weighed her options.
Her husband, picking up on the intensity of the pain, suggested that since she was wearing an all-white ski outfit, she should go off in the woods.No one would even notice, he assured her. The white will provide more than adequate camouflage. So she headed for the tree line, began disrobing and proceeded to do her thing. If you've ever parked on the side of a slope,then you know there is a right way and wrong way to set up your skis so you don't move. Yup, you got it. She had them positioned the wrong way.
Steep slopes are not forgiving, even during embarrassing moments. Without warning, the woman found herself skiing backward, out-of-control, racing through the trees, somehow missing all of them, and into another slope.Her derriere and the reverse side were still bare, her pants down around her knees, and she was picking up speed all the while.
She continued on backwards, totally out-of-control, creating an unusual vista for the other skiers. The woman skied, if you define that verb loosely, back under the lift and finally collided violently with a pylon.
The bad news was that she broke her arm and was unable to pull up her skipants. At long last her husband arrived, put an end to her nudie show,then went to the base of the mountain and summoned the ski patrol, who transported her to a hospital.
In the emergency room she was regrouping when a man with an obviously
broken leg was put in the bed next to hers.
"So. How'd you break your leg?" she asked, making small talk.
"It was the darndest thing you ever saw," he said. "I was riding up this ski lift, and suddenly I couldn't believe my eyes. There was this crazy woman skiing backward out-of-control down the mountain with her bare bottom hanging out of her clothes and pants down around her knees."
"I leaned over to get a better look and I guess I didn't realize how far I'd moved. I fell out of the lift."
"So, how'd you break your arm?"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-12-2002, 01:10 PM:
Rated G ![[Smile]](smile.gif)
Q. How do baseball players stay cool?
A. Sit next to their fans. ![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-25-2003, 01:33 PM:
Rated G
Sports Jokes -
Black Belt Degree
Requirements for 11th Degree Black Belt
Master of Judo
Well before testing for this rank any experienced Judo teacher should have already learned these basic techniques:
Escape from Dojo
The quick exit to avoid clean up and helping with the mats.
Sleeper Stance
Standing at the corner of the dojo pretending to be observing the students as they sweat with exhaustion.
Sigh of Wisdom
Sudden, forceful exhalation when a beginning student unexpectedly survives a dangerous body slam without injury.
Crossing Fingers
A hopeful posture used when uke has been choked unconscious.
Gift of Instruction
The act of taking credit whenever a student wins a tournament or performs a technique correctly.
Seeing Without Seeing
The dazed look of amazement given to the student who asks a stupid question.
Kuchi Waza (mouth technique)
Using an hour of class time to answer the stupid question while students sit on their knees in seiza.
Mugger's Defense
Offering to lighten the student's wallet to reduce the risk of confrontation.
Sensei's Downfall
Failing to ask for enough money to keep the dojo open.
Further requirements:
Must be able to walk on water (while it is in liquid form).
Must be able to disable a man using only a Kleenex tissue as a weapon.
Must be able to make up meaningless Zen koans on the spot.
Must be able to catch a fly with chopsticks.
Must be able to defeat multiple masked ninja movie warriors after they disclose their evil plans to you and leave you to die in an easily escapable situation.
Must be able to voice over a Godzilla movie properly (i.e. coordination between the movement of the lips and the voice).
Must be able to take a bullet (not in the chest of course but maybe in the foot or something).
Must be able to make your own nuclear device with a piece of bubble gum, a pencil, some coconuts, and an alarm clock.
Must be able to change into a judogi in a phone booth at any given moment.
Must be able to sing Karaoke.
Must be able to use nature to your advantage (e.g. sick a dog on the enemy, throw stones at him, climb a tree and hide...)
Must be able to fight blindfolded and win (against blind competitors of course).
Must have completed a course in "Basic Samurai Sushi".
Must be able to choreograph street fights for Jackie Chan movies.
Must be able to use an opponent's skill as a reason for defeat.
Must be able to keep all bleeding internal.
Must be able to trim an entire forest into a bonsai garden in 25 minutes or less.
Note:
Laughing at any time will disqualify the potential 11th dan. If a member of the Senior Board of Examiners makes a comment and then waits expectantly, it may be an indication that he has just made a joke. A half-smile may be tried at this time, but in no other instance.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-03-2003, 11:36 AM:
Rated G ![[Eek!]](eek.gif)
Suposedly True - I'm not sure?
Even if you aren't a skier,you'll be able to appreciate the humor of the slopes as written by a New Orleans paper:
A friend just got back from a holiday skiing trip to Utah with the kind of story that warms the cockles of anybody's heart.
Conditions were perfect...12 below, no feeling in the toes, basic numbness all over...the "Tell me when we're having fun" kind of day.
One of the women in the group complained to her husband that she was in dire need of a rest room.
He told her not to worry, that he was sure there was relief waiting at the top of the lift in the form of a powder room for female skiers in distress.
He was wrong, of course, and the pain did not go away. If you've ever had nature hit its panic button in you, then you know that a temperature of 12 below doesn't help matters.
With time running out,the woman weighed her options. Her husband,picking up on the intensity of the pain,suggested that since she was wearing an all-white ski outfit,she should go off in the woods and no one would even notice. He assured her,"The white will provide more than adequate camouflage."
So she headed for the tree line,began lowering her ski pants and proceeded to do her thing.If you've ever parked on the side of a slope,then you know there is a right way and wrong way to set your skis so you don't move.
Yup, you got it!!! She had them positioned the wrong way. Steep slopes are not forgiving...even during the most embarrassing moments.
Without warning,the woman found herself skiing backward,out-of-control,racing through the trees...somehow missing all of them and onto another slope.Her derriere and the reverse side were still bare,her pants down around her knees,and she was picking up speed all the while.She continued backwards,totally out-of-control, creating an unusual vista for the other skiers.The woman skied back under the lift and finally collided violently with a pylon.
The bad news was that she broke her arm and was unable to pull up her ski pants. At long last her husband arrived, putting an end to her nudie show, then summoned the ski patrol.
They transported her to a hospital.While in the emergency room, a man with an obviously broken leg was put in the bed next to hers. "So, how'd you break your leg?" she asked, making small talk. "It was the darndest thing you ever saw," he said. "I was riding up this ski lift and suddenly, I couldn't believe my eyes!
There was this crazy woman skiing backward, out-of-control, down the mountain, with her bare bottom hanging out of her pants.I leaned over to get a better look and fellout of the lift."
"So, how'd you break your arm?"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-04-2003, 09:29 PM:
Rated G Yank's Sign Everyone in BASEBALL
NEW YORK-With a week to go before pitchers and catchers report for spring training, the New York Yankees shored up their pitching, hitting, and defense Monday by signing every player in professional baseball.
Above: Some of the New York Yankees' newest additions are introduced to the press.
"We'd like to welcome the entire roster of Major League Baseball into the Yankees family," said team owner George Steinbrenner, watching as the franchise's 928 newest additions held up their pinstripes at a Yankee Stadium press conference. "With these acquisitions, we are in position to finally nab that elusive 27th World Series title."
Sports reporters were not surprised by the move.
"This is not entirely unexpected," New York Times baseball writer Murray Chass said. "When the Yankees followed up their signing of Japanese slugger Hideki 'Godzilla' Matsui by annexing Cuba for use as a Triple-A farm club, it was clear that Steinbrenner was willing to do whatever it takes to win."
By noon, Yankees GM Brian Cashman had signed the entire National League and most of the American League to multi-year contracts. Some 10 hours later, the final opposing player, Texas Rangers shortstop Alex Rodriguez, had been acquired by the Yankees, who bought out the remainder of his $252 million contract for $300 million.
"It's an honor to be part of this team," said catcher Benito Santiago, picked up from the San Francisco Giants as insurance in case catchers Jorge Posada, Ivan Rodriguez, and Mike Piazza all go down with injuries. "It's a surprise, certainly, but I'd be crazy to turn down the opportunity to play on what is, by default, the greatest team in baseball."
Yankees manager Joe Torre, whose pitching rotation, prior to the mass signing, lacked a clear seventh ace, now has the luxury of starting each of his hurlers twice a season.
"As they say, you can never have enough pitching in this league," Torre said. "Especially come playoff time. Now, if we make it to the World Series, we'll be able to start Pedro Martinez in Game 1 and still have him fresh and ready to go for a Game 287, should it be necessary."
With so many egos to juggle and so many personnel decisions to make, Torre said his job will actually be harder this season, the lack of opposing players notwithstanding.
"Hey, I don't care who you've got on your team; winning in this league is tough-Sammy Sosa, Barry Bonds, and Randy Johnson or no Sammy Sosa, Barry Bonds, and Randy Johnson," Torre said. "And it's even tougher in New York. This is a baseball town, and some of these fans think the Yankees are the only team in baseball. Now that we truly are, the pressure to win will be that much greater."
The mass signing, extravagant even by Yankees standards, caused the Bronx Bombers' payroll to skyrocket from a former league high of $149 million to $5.6 billion. Cashman noted that much of that figure is tied up in bonuses to be paid out to pitcher Tom Glavine, who at 37 will almost certainly not play out the entirety of his 15-year contract.
Baseball commissioner Bud Selig approved the signing, noting that the other 29 major-league teams received ample financial compensation.
"I see no reason why a small-market team like the Twins or Expos can't continue to remain competitive, just because it lacks players," Selig said. "The league was due for contraction, anyway."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-05-2003, 11:55 AM:
Rated G Lorraine
Jerry Jones is hiring legend Bill Parcells to coach the Dallas Cowboys. They share the same offensive philosophy.*The Dallas Cowboys are strikingly similar to the Iraqi army in that their survival has always depended upon the running game.
Argus Hamilton
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-08-2003, 10:26 AM:
Rated G Miller
A fisherman's Guide to Wind and Weather
If the wind is from the North, brave fishermen go not forth.
If the wind is from the south, it blows the bait into fishes mouth.
If the wind is from the east, it is neither good for man nor beast.
If the wind is from the west, then it's at it's best.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-27-2003, 07:41 AM:
Rated G Becky
At our weekly Boy Scout meeting, the scoutmaster announced,
"Boys, we can get in to the Harrison High School football game for free if we go together and are in uniform."
One scout piped up,"Can you also get us a free pass to a Denver
Broncos game?"
"Sure," the scoutmaster replied. "If they play Harrison High."
--Reader's Digest, submitted by William J. Graham
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-02-2003, 08:14 AM:
Rated G
Today is the season opener for the Houston Astro's Baseball
team. If they lose today's game they won't be able to sell beer
for the rest of the year.
Does anybody know why?
Because they will have lost the opener!
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-24-2003, 07:14 AM:
Rated G
A Fishing Memory
When the wind is in the east,
Then the fishes bite the least;
When the wind is in the west,
Then the fishes bite the best;
When the wind is in the north,
Then the fishes do come forth;
When the wind is in the south,
It blows the bait in the fish's mouth.
(ice fishing does not apply:-)
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 05-02-2003, 09:13 AM:
Rated G Lorraine
Three friends decided to pool their funds and go to the Olympics.
The airfare and hotel rates ate up most of their money so they
didn't have enough to get into the stadium to see the events. So
they stood around the gate watching all the other people get in
and then noticed that some people didn't have to pay.Whenever an athlete passed the guard with his (or her) equipment,the guardwould simply nod and let them through.
So the three visitors quickly trotted off to a nearby hardware
store and came back shortly to try to get in.
The first friend walked up to the guard and gestured at the long pole he carried."Pole vaulting," he said, and the guard waved him through.
The second friend having rigged up an ax to a length of chain,
approached the guard next and showed off his wares."Axthrowing,"
he said,and the guard shrugged and waved him through.
The third friend came last with a roll of chain link on his
shoulder."Fencing."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 05-07-2003, 06:28 AM:
Rated G Sue Bee
On the first day of Spring Training, a baseball scout brings a
race horse with him to add to the starting line-up.
The coach asks, "What did you bring that horse here for?"
The scout replies, "Wait until you see him bat."
All the players are laughing, until the horse comes to bat. At
this point, the horse grabs the bat, and everyone quiets down.
They stare at the horse.
The pitcher, just shrugs his shoulders, and throws the ball toward
home plate, when astonishingly the horse hits the ball deep in the
outfield.
The horse just stands there and does not move. The manager then
yells at the baseball scout to tell the horse to run to first base.
The scout looks back at the manager and yells back, "If he could
run, he'd be at Belmont!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 05-07-2003, 06:47 AM:
Rated G
My friend's little boy had his frist Little League practice.
After practice her husband and the coach talked for a few
minutes.
Her husband walked with their son back to the car.He said to their son,"so I hear the coach wants you to have a cup before the next practice.
Their son replied, "yeah...I told him I thought a water bottle would be much better."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 05-14-2003, 07:23 AM:
Rated G Lorraine
I think the only reason some men likes to go fishing so much is
that it's the only time they hear someone tell, "Wow, that's a big one!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 05-16-2003, 02:47 PM:
Rated PG
"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps."
--Tiger Woods
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-06-2003, 03:33 PM:
Rated G
Major League Baseball is trying to figure out how to deal with the increasing problem of fans getting drunk at games,after several high-profile,violent incidents.League owners say they want to stop substance abuse in the stands and put it back
in the locker room,where it belongs.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-08-2003, 09:23 PM:
Rated G
During a Southern Methodist-Notre Dame football game last year,
the SMU people in Dallas yelled their lungs out. Nobody rooted
harder than a Priest. During a break in the action, a fan seated
next to him said, "Pardon me Father, but why aren't you cheering
for Notre Dame, being a Catholic and all."
"Son!" replied the Priest, "I'm first and foremost a Texan!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-09-2003, 03:57 PM:
Rated G Michele
Deciding to take up jogging, the middle-aged man was astounded
by the wide selection of jogging shoes available at the local
sports shoe store. While trying on a basic pair of jogging shoe,
he noticed a minor feature and asked the clerk about it.
"What's this little pocket thing here on the side for?"
"Oh, that's to carry spare change so you can call your wife to
come pick you up when you've jogged too far."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-10-2003, 06:20 AM:
Rated G
"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,"
--Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-10-2003, 06:32 AM:
Rated G
"Half this game is ninety percent mental."
--Danny Ozark--Philadelphia Phillies Manager,
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-11-2003, 10:26 AM:
Rated G Lorraine
Asked the age of his two elderly pinch hitters Vie Davalillo and
Manny Mota, Los Angeles manager Tommy Lasorda shrugged.
"I don't know, but somebody told me they were waiters at the Last Supper."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-24-2003, 07:43 AM:
Rated G
My brother,an avid NASCAR fan, traveled to a nearby raceway
on a hot sunny day to watch his favorite driver.
Finding his seat,my nearly bald brother sat down to enjoy the race. In therow behind him were two obviously drunk fans. One tapped my brother on the shoulder and with a slurred voice asked if he had a pair of sunglasses he could borrow.
My brother said no and returned to the race. The second drunk tapped him on the shoulder a few moments later and wanted to borrow a cap.
Irritated, my brother said that he had no cap. A couple of
laps later my brother was again interrupted by the first drunk's tap on his shoulder. Focusing his watering eyes on my brother he said "Buddy, you're goin' have to do SOMETHING...the glare is killing us!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 07-08-2003, 05:53 AM:
Rated G
Lorraine
A rookie sat next to his manager and watched Roger Maris gun down
a runner trying to go from first to third.
"Kid, you won't see a throw like that again in a million years."
Three innings later, Maris duplicated the feat.
The rookie turned to the manager and said, "Time sure flies up
here in the Majors."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 07-08-2003, 06:00 AM:
Rated G Lorraine
When Joe Pepitone first came to the Cubs, he told manager Leo
Durocher he was fast enough to steal.
So the first time Pepitone reached first, Durocher decided to test him. First base coach Peanuts Lowery flashed the sign to Pepitone - a wink.
Pepitone didn't budge. So Lowery winked again.Still,Pepitone stood pat.
Again,Lowery winked.
This time, Pepitone responded. He blew Lowery a kiss.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 07-08-2003, 06:25 AM:
Rated G Lorraine
BASEBALL AND FOOTBALL (by George Carlin)
Baseball is different from any other sport,very different.For
instance,in most sports you score points or goals;in baseball
you score runs.In most sports the ball,or object,is put in play
by the offensive team;in baseball the defensive team puts the
ball in play,and only the defense is allowed to touch the ball.
In fact,in baseball if an offensive player touches the ball
intentionally,he's out;sometimes unintentionally,he's out.
Also:in football,basketball,soccer,volleyball,and all sports
played with a ball,you score with the ball and in baseball the
ball prevents you from scoring.
In most sports the team is run by a coach; in baseball the team is run by a manager.And only in baseball does the manager or coach wear the same clothing the players do.If you'd ever seen John Madden in his Oakland Raiders uniform,you'd know the reason for this custom.
Now,I've mentioned football.Baseball and football are the two
most popular spectator sports in this country.And as such, it
seems they ought to be able to tell us something about ourselves
and our values.
I enjoy comparing baseball and football:
Baseball is a nineteenth-century pastoral game.
Football is a twentieth-century technological struggle.
Baseball is played on a diamond, in a park. The baseball park!
Football is played on a gridiron, in a stadium, sometimes called
Soldier Field or War Memorial Stadium.
Baseball begins in the spring, the season of new life.
Football begins in the fall, when everything's dying.
In football you wear a helmet.
In baseball you wear a cap.
Football is concerned with downs - what down is it?
Baseball is concerned with ups - who's up?
In football you receive a penalty.
In baseball you make an error.
In football the specialist comes in to kick.
In baseball the specialist comes in to relieve somebody.
Football has hitting, clipping, spearing, piling on, personal
fouls, late hitting and unnecessary roughness.
Baseball has the sacrifice.
Football is played in any kind of weather: rain, snow, sleet,
hail, fog...
In baseball, if it rains, we don't go out to play.
Baseball has the seventh inning stretch.
Football has the two minute warning.
Baseball has no time limit: we don't know when it's gonna end -
might have extra innings.
Football is rigidly timed, and it will end even if we've got to go to sudden death.
In baseball,during the game,in the stands,there's kind of a
picnic feeling;emotions may run high or low, but there's not too
much unpleasantness.
In football, during the game in the stands, you can be sure that
at least twenty-seven times you're capable of taking the life of a fellow human being.
And finally, the objectives of the two games are completely
different:
In football the object is for the quarterback, also known as the
field general, to be on target with his aerial assault, riddling
the defense by hitting his receivers with deadly accuracy in spite of the blitz,even if he has to use shotgun.With short bullet passes and long bombs,he marches his troops into enemy territory,balancing this aerial assault with a sustained ground attack that punches holes in the forward wall of the enemy's defensive line.
In baseball the object is to go home! And to be safe! - I hope
I'll be safe at home!
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 07-08-2003, 06:29 AM:
Rated G Lorraine
A young lady arrived at her first ballgame during the 5th
inning.
"The score is 0 to 0," she heard a nearby fan say. "Oh,
good," she cooed to her boyfriend, "then we haven't missed a
thing."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 07-08-2003, 05:28 PM:
Rated G
Doug was describing a 30 pound bass he'd caught recently after fighting it for three hours.
Bill interrupted the story saying, "I saw the picture you took of that fish. You're lucky if it even weighed 10 pounds."
Doug replied, "Well . . . a fish can lose an awful lot of weight during three hours of fighting."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 07-09-2003, 07:33 AM:
Rated G Lorraine
"Every time a baseball player grabs his crotch,it makes him spit.
That's why you should never date a baseball player."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 07-09-2003, 12:05 PM:
Rated G Brian in London
The English Baseball Player
A local community club was organizing a baseball team.
They could only muster eight players,and were hard put to find a ninth.In desperation, they called on a new member, a very reserved Englishman who had just moved into the neighborhood from London,to join their team.
During their first game,the Englishman came to bat.On the very first pitch,he knocked the ball out of the park. The team members stood there,dumfounded.
Unfortunately, so did the Englishman.
"Run!" his teammates cried. "For Pete's sake, run!"
The Brit turned and stared at them icily. "I jolly well shan't run," he replied.
"I'm perfectly willing to buy you chaps another ball."
Posted by Steven Privett (Member # 718) on 07-09-2003, 10:46 PM:
According to CNET News, an anonymous person organized an
Internet-wide hacking contest over the Fourth of July weekend.
In related news, the stock price of the Jolt Cola
Corporation has increased by nearly 2,000 percent.
A Ford truck sponsored by presidential candidate Sen. Bob Graham
won its first NASCAR Craftsman Truck Series race, a 250-miler in
Kansas on Saturday. Graham says he sponsored the truck in the hope
that it would bring out the "Hell, I'll vote for any guy whose
name sounds like a cracker" crowd during this fall's primaries.
An arrest warrant was issued for NBA star Kobe Bryant after a woman
accused him of sexual misconduct at a hotel outside Vail, Colo.
According to reports, a drunken Bryant saw the large-breasted
woman in a purple and yellow blouse, mistook her for teammate
Shaquille O'Neal, and hugged her and patted her on the rear.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 07-14-2003, 07:50 PM:
Rated G Janine
A boxer staggered back to his corner after taking a beating for six rounds.
"Dont give up now," whispered his manager.
"You've got a no-hitter going."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 07-22-2003, 07:56 AM:
Rated G Alex
A little boy was overheard talking to himself as he strutted
through the backyard, wearing his baseball cap and toting a ball
and bat: "I'm the greatest hitter in the world," he announced.
Then, he tossed the ball into the air, swung at it, and missed.
"Strike One!" he yelled.
Undaunted,he picked up the ball and said again,"I'm the greatest
hitter in the world!"
He tossed the ball into the air. When it came down he swung again and missed.
"Strike Two!" he cried.
The boy then paused a moment to examine his bat and ball
carefully.
He spit on his hands and rubbed them together.
He straightened his cap and said once more,"I'm the greatest
hitter in the world!"
Again he tossed the ball up in the air and swung at it.He missed.
"Strike Three!"
"Wow!" he exclaimed. "I'm the greatest pitcher in the world!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 07-29-2003, 09:38 AM:
Rated G Lorraine
"I'll moider da bum." - Heavyweight boxer Tony Galento, when asked what he thought of William Shakespeare.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 08-04-2003, 03:58 PM:
Rated G
"I wanted to have a career in sports when I was young, but I had to give up the idea. I'm only six feet tall, so I couldn't play basketball. I'm only 190 pounds, so I couldn't play football, and
I have 20/20 vision, so I couldn't be a referee."
-- Jay Leno
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 08-21-2003, 07:23 AM:
Rated G : B.B.
Fishy Definitions
FISHING: a jerk at one end of the line waiting for a jerk
at the other end.
FISH-WRAPPER: Newspaper.
SMELT: A highly edible fish, truly delicious, that should
go to court and get its name changed.
ANGLER: A guy who, first of all, lies in wait for a fish,
then lies in weight after he lands it.
A sign recently seen in the rear window of a fisherman's car:
'Warning... Fishing Pox. Very contagious to adult males.'
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 08-22-2003, 06:47 AM:
Rated G Michele
On the CBS "Sunday Morning" TV show one week, in honor of Super
Bowl Sunday, comic Bill Geist visited a nudist camp to tape its
own Super Bowl football game.
The producers went through the entire tape placing the obligatory fuzzy blob over specific anatomical exposures, but otherwise the game was pure football - in the nude.
The commentator explained that they had one primary rule. Since
this was "flag" football, not "tag," he said, "If you grab
something that doesn't come off in three seconds, please let go."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 08-22-2003, 06:59 AM:
Rated G Janine
COACH: Elmer, you can be the end, guard, and tackle.
ELMER: That's great, coach!
COACH: Yes, sit at the end of the bench, guard the
water bucket, and tackle anyone who gets near it.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 08-22-2003, 07:01 AM:
Rated G
Little Johnny wasn't getting good marks in school. One day he made the teacher quite surprised. He tapped her on the shoulder and said., "I don't want to scare you, but my daddy says if I don't get better grades.... somebody is going to get a spanking...."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 08-25-2003, 09:12 AM:
Rated G Sue Bee
Melvin from Texas A & M was playing football very badly.
He tried to kick a goal and missed.Finally,He threw himself down
on the bench and said in disgust,"Boy, I could just kick myself."
The coach looked the other way."Don't bother," he said,"you'd
probably miss."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 08-25-2003, 12:16 PM:
Rated G Michele
Top 19 Rejected International Sports Team Names
19. Brussels Sprouts
18. Cannes Openers
17. Amsterdam Yankees
16. Vienna Sausages
15. Belgium Waffles
14. Manila Folders
13. Czech Bouncers
12. New Dehli Catessans
11. Buenos Airheads
10. Guadalajara Krishnas
9. Iraqi Raccoons
8. Bolivia DeHavillands
7. Seoul Brothers
6. Taipei Personalities
5. Syria Killers
4. Hungary Jacks
3. Dublin Mint Twins
2. Prague Tologists
1. Peking Toms:D
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 08-26-2003, 06:22 AM:
Rated G Lorraine
I went fishing and caught a 120-pound bluefish."
Second fisherman: "I was fishing from a boat when my line snagged an old pirate ship.In working my line free,I brought up an old ship's lantern, and the candle was still lit!"
First fisherman, "I'll take a hundred pounds off my bluefish if
you blow out that candle!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 09-19-2003, 03:16 PM:
Rated G Sue Bee
Top Ten Proposed New Baseball Rules
10. New rule: catch a foul ball, win the salary of the guy who hit it.
9. Extra outs for every person on your team named "Mookie,"
"Scooter," or "Pee Wee".
8. Knock out beer vendor with ball and you automatically win the game.
7. Infield chatter must be in the form of a question.
6. Remember Babe Ruth? Well, how about some more of them ball playin' fat dudes?
5. No more keeping your eye on the ball.
4. Goodbye Gatorade, hello Riunite.
3. All players must squat like a catcher for the entire game.
2. Instead of the National Anthem, sing "In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida"
before every game.
And Finally,The Number One Proposed New Baseball Rule
1. 9 players, 8 uniforms:D
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-10-2003, 03:51 AM:
Rated G Sports Quotes
1. Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model: "I wan' all dem kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I wan' all the kids to copulate me."
2. New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the
upcoming season: "I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards,
whichever comes first."
3. And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the 'Skins say: "I'd run over
my own mother to win the Super Bowl, "Matt Millen of the Raiders said: "To win,I'd run over Joe's Mom, too."
4. Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins: "He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings."
5. Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann, 1996:
"Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
6. Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh: "I'm
going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes." (now
that is beautiful)
7. Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach: "You guys line
up alphabetically by height." And, "You guys pair up in groups of three, and then line up in a circle."
8. Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson going to prison: "Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton."
9. Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he
keeps a color photo of himself above his locker: "That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes."
10. Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training
regime of heavyweight Andrew Golota: "He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning regardless of what time it is."
11. Chuck Nevitt, North Carolina State basketball player,
explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at
practice: "My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm
going to be an uncle or an aunt." (I wonder if his IQ ever hit
room temperature in January)
12. Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player: "I
told him, 'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?'
He said, 'Coach,I don't know and I don't care.'"
13. Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting
what he told a player who received four F's and one D: "Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject."
14. Amarillo High School and Oiler coach Bum Phillips when asked by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips,
Phillips responded: "Because she is too damn ugly to kiss good-
bye."
Posted by Rachel Gilardi (Member # 1016) on 10-16-2003, 12:04 PM:
Rated G
In light of the current Red Sox/Yankee playoffs...
There is a Yankee fan, a Red Sox fan, a Mets fan and a Braves fan climbing up to the top of a mountain talking about how
loyal they are to their team and how they would do anything for them.
Once they reach the top of the mountain, the Braves fans screams, "THIS IS FOR THE BRAVES" and jumps off. The Mets fan screams "THIS IS FOR THE METS" and he too jumps off the mountain. Finally the Red Sox fan screams, "THIS IS FOR EVERYONE" and pushes the Yankee fan off.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-16-2003, 05:17 PM:
Rated G See Joke above Then Read Here
Yes , its true the Met Fan Jumped, and after a bit of free fall
he saw the Red Sox fan push the Yankee fan off the cliff. So he guided himself over and caught the Yankee Fan. He then opened his parachute and they both returned to terra ferma.
Realizing that the only way the Red Sox Fan could be sure his team would win, the poor dupas thought he had eliminated the competition.
He/She was so proud of what she had done she started to brag about it to all her friends. She was quickly informed that the
two New Yorkers had survived and were to throw out the first ball at the Magnificent Ball Park in the BRONX.
The rest is History.......Yankee's won, Boston is looking to make a return trip on the Mayflower. Plymouth Rock, anyone? ![[Wink]](wink.gif)
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-17-2003, 10:53 AM:
Rated G Sue Bee
Just in case we need to remember how bad it can be... here are 20 major events that have occurred since the Chicago Cubs last laid claim to a World Series championship:
1. Radio was invented. (Cubs fans get to hear their team lose)
2. TV was invented. (Cubs fans get to see their team lose)
3. Baseball added 14 teams. (Cubs fans get to see and hear their team lose to more clubs)
4. George Burns celebrated his 10th, 20th, 30th, 40th, 50th, 60th,70th, 80th, 90th and 100th birthdays.
5. Halley's comet passed Earth - twice.
6. Harry Caray was born... and died. Incredible, but true!
7. The NBA, NHL, NFL, IHL, and ISL were formed. (Each of those
Chicago teams have each won championships)
8. Man landed on the moon. (As have several home runs given up by Cubs pitchers)
9. Sixteen U.S. presidents were elected.
10. There were 11 amendments added to the Constitution.
11. Prohibition was created and repealed.
12. The Titanic was built, set sail, sank, was discovered, and
became the subject of major motion pictures.The latter giving
Cubs fans hope that something that finishes on the bottom can come out on top.
13. Wrigley Field was built and becomes the oldest park in the
National League.
14. Flag poles were erected on Wrigley Field roof to hold all of
the team's future World Series pennants.(Those flag poles have
since rusted and been taken down)
15. A combination of 40 Summer and Winter Olympic games have been held.
16. Thirteen baseball players have won the Triple Crown. (Several thanked Cubs pitchers)
17. Bell-bottoms came in style, went out of style, and came back
in.
18. The Cleveland Indians, Boston Red Sox, Arizona Diamondbacks
and the Florida Marlins have all won the World Series.
19. The Cubs played 14,153 regular-season games.(They lost the
majority of them)
20. Alaska, Arizona, Hawaii, Oklahoma, and New Mexico were added
to the Union.
Go Cubs!
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-18-2003, 07:28 AM:
Rated G Hank in Simi
A Green Bay Packer fan buys a round of drinks for all in the bar because, he announces his wife has just produced a typical Packer sized baby boy weighing 25 pounds! Congratulations showered him from all around, and many exclamations of "WOW!" were heard. A woman faints due to sympathy pains.
Two weeks later, he returns to the bar. The bartender says, "Say, you're the father of the typical Packer sized baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth. How much does he weigh now?"
The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds."
The bartender is puzzled, and concerned. "What happened, he weighed 25 pounds at birth?"
The Packer fan father takes a slow swig from his long-neck MGD, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says, "Had him circumcised!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-21-2003, 09:21 AM:
Rated PG Michele
Signs You're Watching Too Much Football
10. Before sex, you flip a coin to see who will receive.
9. You've been banned from the A&P for spiking melons.
8. To feel closer to some of your favorite players, you tear the
cartilage in your knee.
7. The kids bring home a good report card and you dump Gatorade
on 'em.
6. Most humans: 75% water, you: 75% chip dip.
5. During sex, you use a play clock.
4. You pay $22 million to have Deion Sanders shovel off your
driveway.
3. For the last two months,you've been wearing nothing but a cup.
2. You fell in love with your wife because she looks like John
Madden.
1. After sex, you go for the 2-point conversion.
Posted by Gordon Bachlund (Member # 124) on 10-22-2003, 01:35 PM:
Subject: FOOTBALL SEASON IS HERE -- BONE UP ON YOUR
KNOWLEDGE WITH THIS STIMULATING QUESTIONNAIRE.
(1) What does the average Missouri football player get on his SATs?
-----Drool.
(2) What do you get when you put 32 Arkansas cheerleaders in one room?
-----A full set of teeth.
(3) How do you get a Wisconsin Badger cheerleader into your dorm room?
-----Grease her hips and push like hell.
(4) How do you get a Oklahoma State graduate off your porch?-----Pay him
for the pizza.
(5) Why do the Nebraska cheerleaders wear bibs?
-----To keep the tobacco juice off their uniforms.
(6) Why is the Illinois football team like a possum? -----Because they play
dead at home, and get killed on the road.
(7) What are the longest three years of a Texas football player's life?
-----His freshman year.
(8) How many Ole Miss freshmen does it take to change a light bulb?
-----None . . . That's a sophomore course at Mississippi.
(9) Where was O.J. headed in the white Bronco?
-----Lexington, Kentucky. He knew that the police would never look there
for a Heisman Trophy winner.
AND FINALLY (drum roll and cymbal crash . . .)
(10) Why did Tennessee choose orange as their team color ? -----You can
wear it to the game on Saturday, hunting on Sunday, and picking up trash along
the highways the rest of the week.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-23-2003, 01:09 PM:
Rated G Sue Bee
As a high school football coach, I'm aware that student athletes
tend to focus too much on sports. Bob,a fellow coach,was
talking about one such player,who called him at home one night.
When his wife informed the kid that Bob wasn't home, he became
frantic and said he had to speak to the coach right away.
"Just calm down, and I'll have him call you as soon as he gets
home," the coach's wife told him. "What's your number?"
The flustered kid replied, "Three."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-31-2003, 11:04 AM:
Rated G Denny In Yonkers
FOOTBALL
A boy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game.
After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.
"Oh,I really liked it," she said,"especially the really tight
pants and all of the big muscles,but I just couldn't understand
why they were killing each other for 25 cents."
Dumbfounded,her date asked,"What on earth do you mean?"
"Well,I saw them flip a coin and one team got it and then for
the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was:"Get the quarter back!
Get the quarter back!"
Posted by Scott Norwood (Member # 30) on 11-06-2003, 07:35 AM:
Rated G
A teacher asks her students if they're Yankees fans. All of the hands go up except for one student.
"Okay, Bobby. What team are you a fan of?"
"The Red Sox."
"Why's that?"
"Well, my parents are both Red Sox fans, so I'm a Red Sox fan too."
"That's not a good answer, Bobby. If your parents were both morons, would you be a moron too?"
"No, that would make me a Yankees fan!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-18-2003, 09:13 AM:
Rated G
Three baseball fans were on their way to a game when one noticed a dead nude body.Â
They stopped out of respect and propriety.Â
The Cub fan took off his cap and placed it over her foot, the Yankee fan then took off his cap and placed it over her right breast. Following their lead, the Red Sox fan took off his cap and placed it over her crotch.Â
The police were then called and when the officer arrived, he conducted an investigation.Â
First he lifted up the Cubs cap,replaced it,and next,he lifted the Yankee cap,replaced it. The officer then lifted the Red Sox cap,replaced it,then lifted it again,replaced it,lifted it a third time,and replaced it one last time.Â
The RedSox fan was getting upset and finally asked,"What are you doing,why do you keep lifting up my cap and looking,lifting and looking?"
The officer replied,"Normally when I look under a Red Sox cap, I find an asshole."
Posted by Scott Norwood (Member # 30) on 11-20-2003, 07:40 AM:
Rated G
OAKLAND, (CA) -- Oakland Raiders football practice was delayed nearly two hours today after a player reported finding an unknown white powdery substance on the practice field. Head coach Bill Callahan immediately suspended practice and called the police and federal investigators. After a complete analysis, FBI forensic experts determined that the white substance unknown to players was the GOAL LINE. Practice resumed after special agents decided the team was unlikely to encounter the substance again.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-20-2003, 11:51 AM:
Rated G
The NFL announced today that for financial reasons they had to eliminate a team from the league. So they deceided to combine the Tampa Bay Buccaneers and the Green Bay Packers and form one team. They will be known as the Tampacks. Unfortunately, they're only good for one period and have no second string.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-26-2003, 09:15 PM:
Rated G blue_meanie
ESPN and COURT TV are working together to create a
new channel. It will make it easier for you to follow the careers
of all your favorite athletes.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-03-2003, 02:37 PM:
Rated G
Catholic horses
Mitch, a hard-shell Southern Baptist, loved to sneak away to the race track. One day he was there betting on the ponies and nearly losing his shirt, when he noticed this priest who stepped out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race.
Lo and behold, this horse - a very long shot - won the race. Mitch was most interested to see what the priest did the next race. Sure enough, he watched the priest step out onto the track as the 5th race horses lined up, and placed this blessing on the forehead of one of the horses.
The priest showed, blessed a horse, Mitch bet on it, and it won! Mitch was elated!
As the day went on, the priest continued blessing one of the horses, it always came in first. Mitch began to pull in some serious money, and by the last race, he knew his wildest dreams were going to come true.
He made a quick stop at the ATM, withdrew big money and awaited the priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on.
True to his pattern,the priest stepped out onto the track before the last race and blessed the forehead,eyes,ears and hooves of one of the horses.
Mitchell bet every cent he had, and watched in horror as the horse came in dead last.
Mitchell was dumbfounded.He made his way to the track and when he found the priest,he demanded an explanation!
"What happened,Father? All day you blessed horses and they won. The last race,you blessed a horse and he lost.Now I've lost my life savings,thanks to you!!"
The priest nodded wisely and said,"That's the problem with you Protestants,you can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and the Last Rites".
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-05-2003, 12:16 PM:
Rated G
The best bet for a player to make is what is called a "Mind Bet".
You stand behind the game watch the action and attempt to predict the winner.
You never bet any real money you only bet in your mind.
Last week a friend of mine lost his mind three times.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-17-2003, 09:37 AM:
Rated G Janine
I was the new coach of a Little League baseball team and had not
yet learned the names of my players. At our first game I called
each boy by the number on his uniform. When I yelled, "Number 5
your time to bat." Jeff Smith came to the plate. When I called for"Number 7", Steve Heinz jumped up. Then I yelled for "Number 1,"but no one emerged from the dugout.Again I called for Number 1...still no one came forward.
As the umpire looked on, annoyed at this delay of the game,I
shouted; "Who's Number 1?" That's when the whole team yelled,
"We are,Coach!We are!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-18-2003, 09:01 AM:
Rated G Michele
Major League Baseball said Thursday all players will be tested for steroids next year. The drug increases muscle, shrinks testicles and enlarges male breast size.
The commissioner had to do something before Barry Bonds breaks
Dolly Parton's record.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-31-2003, 08:08 AM:
Rated G Ed in Aurora, Ont.
Once,on a very windy day,a rabbi was on his way to the temple.
Suddenly a strong gust of wind blew his fur hat off his head. The rabbi ran after his hat but the wind was so strong it kept blowing his hat farther and farther away.
He could not catch up with it.
A young man, a gentile, witnessing this event and being more fit than the rabbi, ran after the hat, caught it and handed it over to the rabbi.
The rabbi was so happy and grateful that he gave the man five dollars and put his hand on the man's head and blessed him.
The young man was very excited about the tip and the blessing and decided to go to the racetrack and bet his 5 unexpected dollars.
After the races the young man returns home and recounted his very exciting day at the races to his father.
"I arrived at the fifth race," said the young man, "looked at the racing program and saw a horse by the name of 'Top Hat' running. The odds on the horse were 100 to 1... the longest shot in the field.
Having received the rabbi's blessing and the 5 dollars and thinking of the rabbi's hat and the horse's name being Top Hat I thought this was a message from God, so I bet the entire 5 dollars on this horse. An amazing thing happened, the horse that was the longest shot in the field and who did not have the slightest chance to even show came in first by 5 lengths."
"You must have made a fortune," said the father."Yes, $500, but wait, it gets better," replied the son. "On the following race, I looked at the program. A horse by the name of Stetson was running. The odds on the horse were 30 to 1. Stetson being some kind of hat and again thinking of the rabbi's blessing and his hat, I decided to bet all my winnings on this horse."
"What happened?" asked the excited father.
"The horse Stetson won and I collected big money."
"You mean you brought home all this money?" asked his excited father.
"No," said the son, "I lost it all on the next race. There was a horse in this race named 'Chateau' so I bet all the money on it because the horse was the heavy favorite and the name also means hat in French and it all started with the rabbi's hat. But the horse broke down and came in last."
"Hat in French is 'Chapeau' not 'Chateau'. said the father.
You lost all that money because of your ignorance.
Tell me who won the race anyway?"
"A long shot Japanese horse named 'Yamaka'.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-06-2004, 07:18 AM:
Rated PG
Hockey Terminology Every Fan Should Know
Wraparound--Visors worn by Europeans which piss off Don Cherry.
Blueline-- Mark on ribcage from leaning over bar, replaying game.
Redline-- Mark on new sweater from leaning over Wet Paint sign at
penalty bench.
Net-- The 25% which goes to winner of 50-50 draw.
Zamboni-- Machine used to fill arena with noxious, poison fumes.
Deke-- "The Enforcer"--leads league in PIMs.
PIMs-- Rating system for unskilled players.
Offside-- Hitting on the team owner's daughter.
Pass-- See Offside.
Score-- See Offside--Also see "Traded".
Jock-- Scot who enjoys a wee dram before, during and after game.
Boarding-- What a new player to town does until after having his
first team party.
Rink-- Weekend hangout for parents.
Bodycheck-- Test rink boards, glass, for durability.
Slapshot-- Movie poking fun at Canada's national past-time.
Hooking-- What the gal in the thigh-length boots up in Section 14
does for a living.
Shoot-- What religious kids say after missing wide-open net.
#@$%&#-- What religious kids say after missing net in Week 2 of
season.
Scoreboard-- Place for annoying company signs and logos.
Overtime-- Bar where players drink for free after closing time so
owner can feel important.
Stanley Cup-- Trophy awarded to championship team just prior to
opening of training camp.
Europeans-- Skilled players who refuse to watch Coaches Corner.
Gross Misconduct-- The sometimes carryings on of very rich role
models.
Play by Play-- Break between TV commercials.
Instant Replay-- New electronic means to prove on-ice officials'
incompetence.
Predators (1)-- ANOTHER damned Yankee team....from Peoria, or
Portland, or....
Predators (2)-- Agents.
Original Six-- Pre-inflation case of Red Cap ale; now called a Two-
Four.
Puck-- Nickname for the millionaire who sold Gretzky to
millionaire now in jail.
Penalty Box-- Good place for TV closeups of players mouthing
the "F" word at each other.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-09-2004, 12:21 PM:
Rated G
Baseball In Heaven
There were two old men who had loved baseball all of their life. They had grown up in the same town where they played together thru grade school,high school and then college.
After college they didn't have the skill for professional ball so they learned to be umpires in order to stay around the game.
They started in the minors and being very good umpires soon moved on to the majors where they umpired for many years.
After they retired,they continued to umpire for youth ball like little league. However, as they grew older and older, they started to worry about what it would be like after they died.
Would there be baseball after death???
Finaly they made a pact. The first one to die would, if at all possible, come back immediately and tell the other about baseball after death.
Finaly Joe died and went to Heaven.After much argument he convinced St. Peter to let him return in a dream to his friend Fred and this conversation ensued:
Joe: "Fred, I made it to heaven and I have both good news and bad news"
Fred: "Well, what is the good news"
Joe: "We don't have to worry about baseball any more. There is all kinds up here. We can umpire from sand lot ball to the major leagues. In fact I have 3rd base tomorrow night"
Fred: "THAT'S GREAT!! What could possibly be bad news after that?"
Joe: "You have the plate!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-09-2004, 12:27 PM:
Rated G
The baseball season is fast approaching and the Mudville Sliders decided to call a press conference. During that meeting, I overheard some unusual comments:
Andy ( writer for Sam's Sports Page): "Will you have the same team as last year, considering you only won 42 games?"
Josh(Mudville Manager):"We plan to make a few changes but it has nothing to do with our win/loss record.Thinking of getting rid of one of our pitchers,our right-fielder and our 1st baseman."
Andy: "That's quite a few.Could you please tell our readers the reason for these changes?"
Josh: "Well,it's simple.We can't afford to tarnish the team's reputation.The pitcher hit one of the other team's batters in each of the last 8 games.He never was provoked.The 1st baseman got caught stealing 3rd base five times last season.
What will people think?
As for the right-fielder,I might give him a second chance;but all he could really catch last year,was a cold."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-13-2004, 01:49 PM:
Rated G Michele
Why do jocks play on artificial turf?
To keep them from grazing.
Posted by Steven Privett (Member # 718) on 01-21-2004, 03:54 PM:
HOUSTON TRAFFIC RULES FOR PEOPLE VISITING DURING SUPER BOWL XXXVIII, FEBRUARY 1, 2004
1. You must learn to pronounce the name of the city. It is "Hue-stun," not "Ewe-ston," and definitely not "How-ston." The street named San Felipe is pronounced "San fe-LEE-pay," not "San Fi-LEEP" or "San Fay-LEE-pee."
2. Forget any traffic rules you learned anywhere else. Houston has its own version of traffic rules. They are called "Hold On And Pray." There is no such thing as a high-speed chase in Houston. We all drive like that.
3. All directions start with "Go down to Loop 610," which has no beginning and no end.
4. You have the East, Katy, Southwest, North, South, Northwest, and Eastex freeways, which are actually I-10 East, I-10 West, 59 North, 59 South, I-45 North, I-45 South, and 290, but not in that order. Your job is to figure out which one you really want to get on, without any signs to tell you. God help you if you are in the wrong lane, or you will go around Loop 610 again, which is an endless circle.
5. The Chamber of Commerce calls getting through traffic "a"scenic drive." It is if you love seeing wrecks and people risking their lives changing tires, running through pot holes, slamming on your brakes to avoid a collision, having people cut you off, seeing alot of people's middle fingers, and exhaust fumes.
6. The morning rush hour is from 5:00 a.m. to 11:30 a.m. The noon-hour rush is 11:00 a.m. to 1:30 p.m. The evening rush hour is 2:00 p.m. to 8:00 p.m., sometimes 9:00 p.m. (or 3 a.m. during floods, which we call "ponding"). The teenagers take the streets from 9:00 p.m. through 5:00 a.m., and Friday's rush hour starts on Thursday morning.
7. If you actually stop at a yellow light, you WILL be rear ended, or at least cussed out, and/or possibly shot. When you are the first off the starting line, count to 5 before moving when the light turns green, to avoid being "T-boned" by crossing traffic.
8. Construction on every freeway, loop, and tollway in the city is a permanent form of entertainment as well as a source of delays.
9. Kuykendahl Road can be pronounced ONLY by a native Houstonian. (It is pronounced "Kirk-n-doll.")
10. All unexplained smells are accompanied by the phrase "Oh, we must be near Pasadena."
11. If someone actually has his turn signal on, it is probably a factory defect and should be ignored.
12. All Suburbans have the right-of-way, unless you are driving an 18-wheeler or perhaps a Bradley tank.
13. The minimum acceptable speed limit on Loop 610 is 85 mph. Otherwise, you will be stopped by Houston's Finest for impeding the flow of traffic.
14. The wrought-iron bars on windows in East Houston are NOT ornamental.
15. Never look at the driver of a car with a bumper sticker that says, "Keep honking. I'm reloading." In fact, don't honk at anyone.
16. If you are in the left lane, and going only 70 mph in a 60 mph zone, the people who are passing you are not really waving at you.
17. If it is 100 degrees outside, then January 1st must be next weekend.
18. The Sam Houston Toll Road is Houston's daily version of a NASCAR race.
19. When in doubt, remember that all unmarked exits lead to the state of Louisiana.
20. Don't get on Main Street unless you really WANT to be on Main Street. Left turns and right turns are not allowed between the South Loop and Dallas (that's Dallas, Texas, not Dallas Street).
21. Don't get sick or injured. There are no parking spaces in the Texas Medical Center for anyone but doctors.
22. You don't have to wait for an exit to get off the freeways. Just follow the ruts in the grass to the frontage road like everyone else. This is how Houston residents notify the Texas Department of Transportation where exits should have been built in the first place.
Y'ALL ENJOY YOUR STAY IN HOUSTON, AND COME BACK REAL SOON NOW, Y'HEAR?
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-10-2004, 09:33 AM:
Rated G
Fred and Bill were on a fishing trip.
They had eaten their evening meal and were sitting by the camp fire yarning and having a drink.
Bill got up and walked into the darkness to answer a call of
nature.
After a minute or two he called out to Fred, 'Fred, have
you ever smoked a cigarette that's been pissed on?'
Fred pondered on this and answered, 'No, I can't say I have.'
There was silence for a while and Bill said,'You haven't missed
much.'
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-11-2004, 01:01 PM:
Rated G Michele
Top 10 New Baseball Rules
10. New rule: catch a foul ball, win the salary of the guy who hit it.
9. Extra outs for every person on your team
named "Mookie," "Scooter," or "Pee Wee"
8. Knock out beer vendor with ball and you automatically win the
game.
7. Infield chatter must be in the form of a question
6. Remember Babe Ruth? Well, how about some more of them ball
playin' fat dudes?
5. No more keeping your eye on the ball.
4. Goodbye Gatorade, hello Riunite.
3. All players must squat like a catcher for the entire game.
2. Instead of the National Anthem, sing "In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida"
before every game.
And Finally, The Number One Proposed New Baseball Rule
1. 9 players, 8 uniforms.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-18-2004, 11:26 AM:
Rated G
One time when Michigan State was playing UCLA in football, the
score was tied at 14 with only seconds to play.Duffy Daugherty,
Michigan State's coach, sent in place-kicker Dave Kaiser who
booted a field goal that won the game.
When the kicker returned to the bench, Daugherty said,"Nice
going, but you didn't watch the ball after you kicked it."
"That's right,Coach," Kaiser replied,"I was watching the referee instead to see how he'd signal it.I forgot my contact lenses, and I couldn't see the goal posts."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-14-2004, 09:39 AM:
Rated G
Fishing season hasn't opened and a fisherman who doesn't have a license, is casting for trout as a stranger approaches and asks:
"Any luck?"
"Any luck? This is a wonderful spot. I took 10 out of this stream yesterday," he boasts.
"Is that so? By the way, do you know who I am?" asks the stranger.
"Nope."
"Well, meet the new game warden."
"Oh," gulped the fisherman. "Well, do you know who I am?"
"Nope."
"Meet the biggest liar in the state."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-18-2004, 10:31 AM:
Rated G
The NHL postseason begins. What does a hockey player call that round thing he slaps around for three periods with his stick?
His opponent's face.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 05-05-2004, 05:22 AM:
Rated G
When Fishermen Meet...
"Hiyamac"
"Lobuddy"
"Binearlong?"
"Coplours"
"Cetchenny?"
"Goddafew"
"Kindarthay?"
"Bassencarp"
"Ennysizetoom?"
"Couplapowns"
"Hittinhard?"
"Sordalike"
"Wachoosen?"
"Gobbawurms"
"Fishanonaboddum?"
"Rydononaboddum"
"Igoddago"
"Tubad"
"Seeyaroun"
"Yeahtakideezy"
"Guluck"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 05-21-2004, 07:30 AM:
Rated G
On a beautiful sunny day, I set out with five other young women to go water-skiing on a nearby lake. After launching our boat, we skimmed around and stopped in the middle of the lake to get ready for skiing. The motor failed to start again, however, and we were stranded.
After we had drifted for a couple of hours, a fisherman finally came by and noticed our plight. He pulled alongside our boat and attached a towline. As we headed for shore, he looked back at the six of us, all clad in bikinis, and exclaimed, "Wait till my wife sees this catch!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 07-23-2004, 01:32 PM:
Rated G
The Royal Oak Golf Club is the most exclusive in Columbia Maryland. There are no minority members, nor anyone whose money doesn't go back many generations.
One day a fellow from Boston tried to get into a game. "I'll have you know my family came over before the Mayflower. I can trace my ancestry back to William the Conqueror and no one in my family has ever lifted a finger to work."
The club secretary frowned, and said, "OK, but just this one time - - and only for nine holes."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 09-17-2004, 01:52 PM:
Rated G Michele
Another college football poll is out.
When an Ohio State player holds his index finger high into the air, it can only mean one thing.
Somebody asked him how many classes he's taking.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-06-2004, 07:34 PM:
Rated G Michele
ESPN and COURT TV are working together to create a new channel.
It will make it easier for you to follow the careers of all your favorite athletes.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-10-2004, 01:17 PM:
Rated G
Prime Minister Martin today announced that the federal government will take over the National Hockey League and run it as a "sacred trust, just like health care." The announcement came as pressure mounted for the government to do something to end the current NHL shutdown.
"No Canadian should be deprived of NHL hockey during hockey season," Martin said. "We will take over the NHL and run it in the public interest, just like we run the government of Canada."
In an hour-long news conference, the prime minister outlined reforms to the national game that his government will present to an emergency session of Parliament next week. "To protect the NHL from further Americanization, NHL commissioner Gary Bettman will be fired and replaced immediately by Governor-General Adrienne Clarkson," Martin said.Asked whether the Governor-General knew anything about hockey, Martin replied "not much," but that Clarkson and 200 of her closest friends would be
leaving immediately on a fact-finding tour to investigate hockey-government relations in Hawaii, Fiji and Monaco. To address longstanding concerns about escalating violence in hockey, Martin
said the government will increase the number of linesmen and referees to 12 per game, one official for each player on the ice.
In addition, Canada's gun registry legislation will be amended to require all hockey sticks to be registered.Once nationalized, all NHL teams will be subject to federal government guidelines for gender equality, affirmative action, and non-discrimination
in hiring. "Inability to skate, shoot, or pass,"Martin said, "will no longer be a sufficient reason for denying any Canadian an opportunity to play in the NHL."Martin added that in future all NHL teams will also be required to abolish the position of "right wing" from their rosters. Asked why, Martin said it was necessary to increase support for hockey among
union members, and to secure NDP backing for the NHL nationalization bill in Parliament.
The PM affirmed that "the great Canadian principle of equalization will be fully applied to our national game."
"The current distribution of NHL teams in Canada is unacceptable to this government," he said. "It violates the principle of regional equality for Alberta and Ontario to have two NHL teams each while some provinces have none. Commencing next season,
the Toronto Maple Leafs will be moved to Fredericton and the Edmonton Oilers to Charlottetown." Martin declared the seating arrangements at NHL hockey rinks "unacceptable" as well. "We do notaccept two-tier medicine in this country and wecannot accept multi-tier seating at hockey arenas. It's un-Canadian." Martin explained that former public works minister Alfonso Gagliano will be put in charge of a program to flatten the seating
arrangements in all NHL arenas.
Asked how spectators in the back rows would be able to see the game, Martin said the government is devising a plan for rotating spectators from back seats to front seats between periods."It is
our intention, in the interests of fairness,to ensure that any inability to see the game is fully equalized among all spectators, Martin said. "It's the Canadian way."
In recognition of the principle of "asymmetric federalism," and to secure the support of the Bloc Quebecois for the nationalization measure, Martin also confirmed that the Montreal Canadiens will be exempted from the proposed reforms.
Finally, to pay for the nationalization program,the government's next budget will include a Fan Tax, an Ice Tax, a Puck Tax, a Stick Registration Fee and a new 115-per-cent income tax bracket for any hockey player making more money than the PM.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-02-2004, 12:42 PM:
Rated G
BIZZARE SPORTS:
Tobacco spitting is the name of the game at the annual CALICO TOBACCO CHEWING AND SPITTING CHAMPIONSHIPS near Barstow, California.
The BEER CAN REGATTA is raced each June off Mindil Beach at Darwin in Australia. All of the craft are made from beer and soft drink cans.
Bed-pushers from all over Britain converge on North Yorkshire each year for the grueling two-mile KNARESBOROUGH BED RACE.
The first WORLD CHAMPIONSHIP WORM-CHARMING took place at Wollaston, Cheshire, in 1980. The winner charmed 511 worms out of his three-meter-square plot in half an hour.
The highlight of the VANCOUVER SEA FESTIVAL each July is the Nanaimo to Vancouver bathtub race across the choppy waters of the Strait of Georgia.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-14-2004, 11:41 AM:
Rated PG Michele
After Rockies pitcher Denny Neagle was arrested for soliciting a prostitute over the weekend - he paid $40 for oral sex - the team terminated his contract; a contract that had $19 million left on it.
So, essentially, he paid $19,000,040.00 for oral sex.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-15-2004, 01:18 PM:
Rated G
The Top 15 Signs an Athlete Is About to Lose It...
15. One of the players just got conked in the head with a ball -- and you're watching pro bowling.
14. Stepping into the batter's box, he carefully adjusts his cup. Then he adjusts the catcher's.
13. Half his face is now covered by a tattoo depicting the ancient Sumerian symbol for pre-menstrual syndrome.
12. Instead of the team jersey, he's wearing a "What Would O.J. Do?" T-shirt.
11. Buys his wife a $6-million ring and whispers, "You'll understand tomorrow."
10. While the other wrestlers are whacking each other with folding chairs, he's grabbing a Barcalounger.
9. One of the rhythmic gymnasts is using a ribbon made of entrails.
8. He's still furious over being misled by Ohio exit polls predicting a Kerry victory.
7. Marv Albert's new book, "I Boned Ron Artest's Mom Senseless," hits the stores tomorrow.
6. It's just the wrong time of the month for Paul Hamm.
5. What was once a natural yearning for a Super Bowl ring has become a ghastly obsession with "The Precioussss."
4. It's three yards and a cloud of perfume.
3. He's attempting to gnaw his way out of the penalty box.
2. There's a minute to go, the score's tied, and he's wound tighter than Joan Rivers' face.
... and the Number 1 Sign an Athlete Is About to Lose It ...
1. He warms the bench, all right -- with a flamethrower.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-16-2004, 03:41 PM:
Rated PG Michele
"I don't know about that new pro," said the man at the golf club, "He may be a little strange."
"Why do you think that?" asked Bill.
"He just tried to correct my stance again."
"So?" said Bill. "He's just trying to help your game."
"Yeah, I know, but I was standing at the urinal at the time."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-10-2005, 11:31 AM:
Rated G
British Open champion Ben Curtis played golf Saturday, got married that night and was back out on the course again Sunday.
This brought about the question from millions of bachelors,
"Does she have a sister?"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-01-2005, 10:23 AM:
Rated G Steve
Yogi Berra, famous baseball catcher, was notorious for swinging at bad pitching.
One day he reached for three wild ones in succession and struck out. Muttering in disbelief,he mumbled to nobody in particular,"How does a pitcher like that ever stay in the league?"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-08-2005, 10:21 AM:
Rated G Michele
There's a new book out called, ARE YOU NORMAL?
According to the book, 76% of guys would rather watch an important football game than have sex.
The other 24% said that's what half time is for.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-12-2005, 06:25 AM:
Rated PG Michele
The Top 32 Things the Super Bowl MVP Is Going to Do Now
32.> "I'm coming out of the closet!"
31.> "I'm going to get this Super Bowl ring appraised!"
30.> "I'm going to drink a pre-test steroid masking agent!"
29.> "I'm going to snort coke off that cheerleader's cleavage!"
28.> "I'm going to an NHL game! ... What?!?"
27.> "No drug tests for four months -- whatchu think I'm gonna do, Einstein?!?"
26.> "I'm going to EuroDisney to be spit on by Frogs!"
25.> "I'm going to praise the Almighty and thank Him for realizing what a bunch of lecherous, thieving, whoring, blaspheming, womanizing, scum-sucking, Satan-worshipping, low-lifes the other team really is."
24.> "I'm going to take a vow of poverty and divest myself of all material possessions ... NOT!"
23.> "I'm going to give my girlfriend a pearl necklace!"
22.>going to be adopted by Angelina Jolie!"
21.> I'm going go see 'Phantom of the Opera' for the eighth time!"
20> "I'm going to use this as leverage to demand a ridiculous raise, thereby ending this dynasty!"
19> "I'm going to serve out the remainder of my sentence!"
18> "I'm going to collect my winnings from Pete Rose!"
17> "I'm going to Oscar WildeWorld!"
16> "I'm taking my kids to Neverland Ranch!"
15> "I'm going to put this here jersey up on eBay!"
14> "I'm going to have sex with a bunch of skanks in the parking lot."
13> "Gee, I hadn't really thought about it. Got any good ideas?"
12> "I'm going to drive 90 mph through a residential neighborhood with drugs, thousands of dollars in cash and an unregistered handgun in my vehicle -- with a suspended driver's license!"
11> "I'm going for a day of beauty treatments at Elizabeth Arden!"
10> "I'm going to play tonsil hockey with Joe Buck!"
9> "I'm going to nail the coach's wife after he passes out drunk!"
8> "I'm going to Vegas to marry Britney Spears!"
7> "I'm going to head over to my attorney's house to review all the paternity suits that have been filed during the last 15 minutes."
6> "I'm gettin' me a hummer ... in my Hummer!"
5> "I'm going to spend the next hour getting rid of my helmet- hair!"
4> "I'm going to get a call from the President, provided he didn't choke to death on a snack!"
3> "I'm going to kill my wife and an innocent waiter!"
2> "I'm going to take some time to properly mourn the passing of Yasser Arafat!"
1> "I'm going to Super Glue Terrell Owens' mouth shut!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-12-2005, 01:41 PM:
Rated G
Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player: "I told him, 'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?'
He said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care.'"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-19-2005, 09:41 AM:
Rated G Lorraine
"James (Quick) Tillis is known as 'The Fighting Cowboy' and the heavyweight who was the first man to last ten rounds with Mike Tyson. He still remembers his first day in the Windy City after his arrival from Tulsa.
"'I got off the bus with two cardboard suitcases under my arms in downtown Chicago and stopped in front of the Sears Tower,' Tillis said. 'I put the suitcases down, and I looked up at the Tower and I said to myself, I'm going to conquer Chicago!'
"'When I looked down, the suitcases were gone.'"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-22-2005, 12:38 PM:
Rated G B.B.
"My wife claims I'm a baseball fanatic. She says all I ever read about is baseball. All I ever talk about is baseball. All I ever think about is baseball.
I told her she's way off base."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-10-2005, 02:36 PM:
Rated G
A novice to softball joined our league and was using an old worn out baseball glove. When his neighbor gave him a new one, he asked a veteran how to care for it.
At the next game, the rookie seemed glum and was back using the old glove. When we asked why, he produced what had been his new glove, now shrunken, wizened, destroyed. The veteran who'd told him how to care for it declared, "I can't believe this resulted from my advice to you to oil the glove!"
"Oil it?" echoed the rookie. "I thought you said 'Boil it.'"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-23-2005, 10:52 AM:
Rated G
Pitcher Bill Werle got Bill Nicholson to hit a high infield popup in front of the mound. As trained, he called for an infielder to make the play. "Eddie's got it! Eddie's got it!," he yelled.
Then, he watched the ball fall untouched as catcher Eddie Fitzgerald, first baseman Eddie Stevens and third baseman Eddie Bockman looked on.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-01-2005, 01:12 PM:
Rated G Lorraine
When Joe Pepitone first came to the Cubs, he told manager Leo Durocher he was fast enough to steal.
So the first time Pepitone reached first, Durocher decided to test him.
First base coach Peanuts Lowery flashed the sign to Pepitone - a wink.
Pepitone didn't budge.
So Lowery winked again. Still, Pepitone stood pat.
Again, Lowery winked.
This time, Pepitone responded.
He blew Lowery a kiss.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-01-2005, 01:17 PM:
Rated G
Told to get a statement from the Giants' Dominican players after Generalissmo Trujillo was assassinated in the Dominican Republic, a reporter came back from the clubhouse and approached his editor.
"They said they didn't do it."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-09-2005, 12:26 PM:
Rated G
"Baseball season begins this weekend... If you think about it, I love everything about baseball. I love the resin, I love the pine tar, I love the steroids... And that's just in the hot dogs."
--Dave Letterman
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-12-2005, 02:44 PM:
Rated G
Gone Fishing
To be successful at fishing you should get there yesterday, when the fish were biting!
Fisherman: A sportsman who first lies in wait for a fish, and then lies in weight after catching it!
Nothing makes a fish bigger than almost being caught!
Then there are those times when you can swear you've got a fish, but all you've caught is weeds!
Fishing stimulates the brain - also, The imagination.
The typical fisherman is long on optimism and short on memory.
How come the fish never brag about the size of the man he got away from?
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-14-2005, 05:02 PM:
Rated G
The college football player knew his way around the locker room better than he did the library, so when my husband's co-worker saw the gridiron star roaming the stacks looking confused, she asked how she could help.
"I have to read a play by Shakespeare," he said.
"Which one?" she asked.
He scanned the shelves and answered, "William."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-15-2005, 01:52 PM:
Rated G
One of baseball's greatest pitchers, Rube Waddell, was one of the game's heaviest drinkers. During a booze bout, Waddell announced that he could fly. When teammates hooted him down, Rube yanked open a hotel window and jumped out.
He survived the fall. When he sobered up, Waddell yelled at his roommate Ossie Schreck for not stopping him from pulling such a foolish stunt. "Stop you," Schreck countered. "Hell, I bet a hundred bucks you could do it."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-21-2005, 11:33 AM:
Rated G
A fisherman got such a reputation for stretching the truth that he bought a pair of scales and insisted on weighing every fish he caught in front of a witness.
One day a doctor borrowed the scales to weigh a newborn baby. The baby weighed forty-seven pounds.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-25-2005, 06:25 AM:
Rated G
Jimmy Piersal, on how to diaper a baby:
"Spread the diaper in the position of the diamond with you at bat. Then, fold second base down to home and set the baby on the pitcher's mound. Put first base and third together, bring up home plate and pin the three together.
Of course, in case of rain, you gotta call the game and start all over again."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-26-2005, 07:50 AM:
Rated G Yogi-isms
"I usually take a two hour nap between one and four."
"Baseball is 90% mental, the other half is physical"
"You can observe a lot by watching."
"I didn't really say everything I said."
"Nobody goes there anymore, it's too crowded."
"When you come to a fork in the road, take it."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 08-30-2005, 07:53 PM:
Rated G Football
Q: How many Vikings does it take to win a Superbowl?
A: No one knows, and we may never find out!
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 08-30-2005, 07:57 PM:
Rated G
The Quarterback
So Al Davis had put together the perfect Raiders team for '98. The only thing he was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges, and even the high schools, and he couldn't find a ringer quarterback that would ensure a SuperBowl win.
Then one night, watching CNN, he saw a war zone in Bosnia. In the background, out of the corner of his eye, he spotted a young Bosnian soldier with a truly incredible arm.
He threw a hand grenade straight into a 15th story window 200 yards away, ka-boom!
He threw another hand grenade into a group of about 10 soldiers a good 110 yards away-ka-blooey!
A car passes going 90 miles an hour-bulls-eye! Right into the barely open window.
"I've got to get this guy," Al says to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"
So he brings him to the states and teaches him the great game of football.
Predictably, the young man breaks all the NFL records for completed passes, and the Raiders go on to win the SuperBowl.
The young Bosnian is lionized as the Great Hero of SuperBowl XXXI, and when Al asks him what he wants, all the young man wants to do is to call his mother.
"Mom," the young man says into the receiver, "I just won the SuperBowl."
"I don't want to talk to you," the old woman says. "You deserted us. You're not my son."
"I don't think you understand, mother" the young man pleads. "I just won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm in the middle of thousands of adoring fans."
"No, let me tell you," the mother implores. "At this very moment, there are gun shots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lifes last week, and this week your sister was raped in broad daylight...."
I'll never forgive you for making us move to Oakland.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 09-05-2005, 07:18 PM:
Rated G
A man walks into a bar with a dog. The bartender says, "You can't bring that dog in here." "You don't understand," says the man. "This is no regular dog, he can talk."
"Listen, pal," says the bartender. "If that dog can talk, I'll give you a hundred bucks.
"The man puts the dog on a stool, and asks him, "What's on top of a house?"
"Roof!" "Right. And what's on the outside of a tree?" "Bark!"
"And who's the greatest baseball player of all time?" "Ruth!"
"I guess you've heard enough," says the man. "I'll take the hundred in twenties."
The bartender is furious. "Listen, pal," he says, "get out of here before I belt you."
As soon as they're on the street, the dog turns to the man and says, "Do you think I should have said 'DiMaggio'?"
A teacher asks her students if they're Yankees fans. All of the hands go up except for one student. "Okay, Bobby. What team are you a fan of?" "The Red Sox." "Why's that?" "Well, my parents are both Red Sox fans, so I'm a Red Sox fan too." "That's not a good answer, Bobby. If your parents were both morons, would you be a moron too?" "No, that would make me a Yankees fan!"
Q: What is the difference between Yankee fans and dentists?
A: One roots for the yanks, and the other yanks for the roots.
Q: Why is it so hot at Phillies games.
A: Because there's not a fan in the place.
Q: How many American Football players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: The entire team! And they all get a semester's credit for it!
Q: What do Tornados and Dallas Cowboy fans have in common?
A: Sooner or later, they'll both end up in trailer parks!
Q: Why did the American Football team go to the phone booth.
A: To get their quarter back.
Q: What beverage do football players drink?
A: Penal-tea!
Q: Why did the chicken cross the basketball court?
A: Because it heard the referee was blowing fouls.
Fish and a piano
Q. What is the difference between a fish and a piano?
A. You can't tuna fish.
Fishing in a frozen lake
It was a cold winter day. An old man walked out onto a frozen lake, cut a hole in the ice, dropped in his fishing line, and waited patiently for a bite. He was there for almost an hour, without even a nibble, when a young boy walked out onto the ice, cut a hole in the ice next to him. The young boy dropped his fishing line and minutes later he hooked a Largemouth Bass. The old man couldn't believe his eyes but chalked it up to plain luck. Shortly thereafter, the young boy pulled in another large catch. The young boy kept catching fish after fish.
Finally, the old man couldn't take it any longer. "Son" he said, "I've been here for over an hour without even a nibble. You've been here only a few minutes and have caught a half dozen fish! How do you do it?" The boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rrarm." "What was that?" the old man asked. Again the boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rarrm." "Look," said the old man, "I can't understand a word you're saying." The boy spat the bait into his hand and said... "You have to keep the worms warm!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 09-05-2005, 07:21 PM:
Rated G
While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting and old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted,"Are there any gators around here?!"
"Naw," the man hollered back, "they ain't been around for years!"
"Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore.
About halfway there he asked the guy,"How'd you get rid of the gators?"
"We didn't do nothin'," the beachcomber said.
"The sharks got 'em."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 09-25-2005, 03:24 PM:
Rated PG
Two guys are talking about their boss's upcoming wedding. One bloke says, "It's ridiculous, he's rich, but he's 95 years old, and she's just 24! What kind of a wedding is that?"
The other says, "Well, we have a name for it in my family."
"What do you call it?"
"We call it a football wedding."
The first asks, "What's a football wedding?"
The other says, "She's waiting for him to kick off!"
---
Q: Why can't Michael Irvin be in the Cowboy huddle anymore?
A: It's a parole violation for him to associate with known felons.
---
An anxious woman goes to her doctor. "Doctor," she asks nervously, "I'm a bit worried - can you get pregnant from anal intercourse?"
"Of course," replies the doctor, "Where do you think Chicago bears fans come from?"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-14-2005, 07:04 AM:
Rated G B.B.
Career
"I wanted to have a career in sports when I was young, but I had to give up the idea...
I'm only six feet tall, so I couldn't play basketball.
I'm only 190 pounds, so I couldn't play football,
I have 20/20 vision, so I couldn't be a referee."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-15-2005, 03:47 PM:
Rated G
Legendary Washington Redskins coach Steve Spurrier was a member of the hapless 1976 Tampa Bay Buccaneers (which became the only team in NFL history to lose every game in a regular season).
"I remember a speech our coach, John McKay, was giving us at one point in the season," Spurrier once recalled.
"He was emphasizing that games were lost in the trenches by failing to block and tackle on the front lines. And as he was talking he noticed a lineman asleep in the back.
He called his name, woke him up and asked, 'Where are most games lost?'
And the lineman says, 'Right here in Tampa, sir!'"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-19-2005, 08:58 AM:
Rated G
A football coach was asked how he picked a team from a bunch of raw recruits.
"I hate to give away my secrets," he replied, "but I'll tell you. I take them out into the woods. Then, at a given signal, I start them running.
Those that run around the trees are chosen as guards.
Those that run into the trees are chosen as tackles."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-19-2005, 09:36 PM:
Rated G
At the beginning of the new soft ball season, I noticed that my friend's teenage daughter was playing for the opposing slow-pitch team. I asked Denise why her daughter no longer played on the same team as the rest of the family.
"Oh," she replied, "I guess she thought it was time to strike out on her own."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-24-2005, 07:05 AM:
Rated G
AGGIE football practice was delayed nearly two hours today after a player reported finding an unknown white powdery substance on the practice field.
Coach Fran immediately suspended practice while police and federal investigators were called to investigate.
After a complete analysis, FBI forensic experts determined that the white substance unknown to the players was the goal line.
Practice was resumed after special agents decided the team was unlikely to encounter the substance again.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-24-2005, 04:43 PM:
Rated G
My friend tells me he generally throws the fish back.
I said "Why do you do that?"
He replied, "If you catch a 3-pound fish and take it home, it's a 3-pound fish. If you throw it back, when you get home it's a 5-pound fish."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-25-2005, 08:21 AM:
Rated G
n 1963, baseball pitcher Gaylord Perry remarked, "They'll put a man on the moon before I hit a home run."
On July 20, 1969, a few hours after Neil Armstrong set foot on the moon, Gaylord Perry hit his first, and only, home run. ![[thumbsup]](graemlins/thumbsup.gif)
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-27-2005, 06:49 AM:
Rated G
I have a problem with boxing. I don't understand any sport where a guy who makes $11 million is called "the loser."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-27-2005, 07:01 AM:
Rated G
FOOTBALL HUDDLE
The football huddle originated at Gallaudet University (the world's only accredited four-year liberal arts college for the deaf)in the 19th century when the football team found that opposing teams were reading their signed messages and intercepting plays.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-27-2005, 03:26 PM:
Rated G
SPITTING IMAGE
You know, at this time of year you can't turn on the TV without seeing an exciting playoff baseball game. And it's wonderful to watch these fabulous athletes pulling off fantastic plays. They can't help but be role models for kids all around the world who dream that they might grow up and be just like them. Did I say "grow up"? Wait a minute.
Have you taken a good look at these players? Now remember. They are being paid millions of dollars to take part in these outings. And they constantly spit. They spit at bat. They spit on the pitcher's mound. They spit in the outfield. And, worst of all, they spit in the dugout. Even the managers and coaches spit in the dugout. Can you imagine what the floor of the dugout looks like at the end of a game? The guy that has to clean that mess up should be getting the million dollar paycheck.
And what if this habit spreads to other sports? I'd hate to be riding at the rear of the pack in the Tour De France. Helmets would have to have little windshield wipers on them. And at the Olympics, who needs to add saliva to what's already swirling around in the swimming pools.
Now it can be argued that baseball players spit in good taste, compared to what they could be doing. These are just tiny ejection's. It's not like the scene Leonardo Dicaprio played in Titanic, teaching Kate Winslet how to "hack louies." But still,is this what we want our youngsters growing up doing?
Can you imagine this next generation running the country in 20 years? At the Board of Directors' meeting at the Petroleum Institute Distribution Council of North America, there will be 24- karat gold spittoons at everyone's feet.
"Looks like it might rain today." (Pa-tooie.)
"Yeah, I think we should raise crude oil prices if the roads get wet and it's hard for our drivers to deliver gas." (Ping.)
"If it's windy, we can jump 'em again first thing in the morning." (Ka-plink.)
"I think I'm getting a cold. Ahh-choo". (Splat.) "Oops. Sorry, George, about your shoe."
Of course, we'll have to develop new skills. Baseball catchers are savvy enough to remember to lift up their masks before letting one go. I just hope my neurosurgeon can learn to do the same in the operating room.
Freelance writer, Bob Daly
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-28-2005, 06:52 AM:
Rated G
"Right here in New York City over the weekend two dozen sumo wrestlers were in town over at Madison Square Garden. It was nice to have the sumo wrestlers this time of the year in New York City. When the weather gets cool you just don't see enough shirtless fat guys."
--Dave Letterman
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-28-2005, 12:48 PM:
Rated G
Hanging in the hallway at the High School are the basket- ball team pictures from the past 40 years. A player in the center of the front row in each picture holds a basketball identifying the year
"62-63," "63-64," "64-65," etc.
One day I spotted a freshman looking curiously at the photos. Turning to me, he said, "Isn't it strange how the teams always lost by one point?"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-03-2005, 11:45 AM:
Rated G
In football everybody knows how rowdy the fans get.
The vendors go up and down the aisles hollering, "Peanuts, popcorn, bandages..."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-03-2005, 11:47 AM:
Rated G
Tiger Woods was once introduced to pop diva Christina Aguilera.
"Oh, Christina, I love your music," Tiger told her. "I have all your CDs."
Christina’s reply? "Sorry, I don’t know much about you. I don’t follow tennis."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-03-2005, 12:36 PM:
Rated G
"It’s what you learn after you know it all that counts."
--John Wooden
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-08-2005, 11:50 AM:
Rated PG
A fellow got up one Saturday morning with the odd feeling that something about this day was to be different.
Something unusual WAS about to happen.
He glanced out the window at the thermometer: 33 degrees.
He went downstairs - the clock had stopped at 3 o'clock.
He picked up the newspaper and read the date: the 3rd of the month.
Threes - that was it!
He grabbed the paper and flipped it open to the racing section.
Sure enough in the 3rd race, there was a horse named Trio!
The fellow hurried to the bank, drew out his life savings and bet it all on the horse to win.
The son of a bitch finished 3rd.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-17-2005, 04:12 PM:
Rated PG
The NFL announced today that for financial reasons, they had to eliminate one team from the league.
So they've decided to combine the Green Bay Packers and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers and form one team, causing many layoffs but saving millions of dollars in costs.
The new team will be known as the TAMPACKS.
Unfortunately, they're only good for one period and have no second string.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-18-2005, 10:52 AM:
Rated G
While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft.
Spotting an old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted, "Are there any gators around here?"
"Naw," the man hollered back, "they ain't been around for years!"
Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore.
About halfway there he asked the guy, "How'd you get rid of the gators?"
"We didn't do nothing,'" the beachcomber said.
"Wow," said the tourist.
The beachcomber added, "The sharks got 'em."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-18-2005, 10:54 AM:
Rated G
Dad: "What happened to your eye?"
Tom: "I was staring at a ball from afar, and I was wondering why it was getting bigger and bigger. Then, it hit me."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-18-2005, 10:57 AM:
Rated G
Stranger: Catch any fish?
Fisherman: Did I! I took 25 out of this stream this morning.
Stranger: Do you know who I am? I’m the game warden.
Fisherman: Do you know who I am? I’m the biggest liar in the country.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-18-2005, 11:01 AM:
Rated G
A football coach had a star quarterback who was as dumb as a post. The only way the kid could stay on the team would be to pass all his classes, which was impossible.
All his teachers agreed to go easy on him except for one, his math teacher. The coach begged the math teacher to not fail the kid. The math teacher agreed to give the boy an oral exam which, if he passed, would count for class credit.
The coach came to the exam to support his star athlete. The math teacher asked only one question for the exam: "What is two plus two?"
"Four," the athlete answered.
The football coach went into a panic and yelled, "Give him another chance! Just one more chance!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-26-2005, 01:19 PM:
Rated G
If a customer's bet at the racetrack is unclear, we cashiers have to ask for more information.
One day two girls who were at the track for the first time approached the counter and requested No. 3.
The cashier asked if they wanted No. 3 to win.
"You mean we can bet them to lose?" One of them asked.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-01-2005, 08:41 PM:
Rated G
"I have seen women walk right past a TV set with a football game on and - this always amazes me - not stop to watch, even if the TV is showing replays of what we call a "good hit," which is a tackle that causes at least one major internal organ to actually fly out of a player's body."
--Dave Barry
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-04-2005, 12:30 PM:
Rated G
A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic garbage bags with her, one in each hand. There's a hole in one of the bags, and every once in a while a $20 bill is flying out of it onto the pavement.
Noticing this, a policeman stops her...."Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag..." "Damn!" says the little old lady....."I'd better go back and see if I can still find some. Thanks for the warning!"
"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money?" " Did you steal it?"
"Oh, no", says the little old lady. "You see, my back yard backs up to the parking lot of the football stadium. Each time there's a game, a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds!"
"So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and eachtime someone sticks his little thingie through the bushes, I say: $20 or off it comes!"
"Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "OK, good luck! By the way, what's in the other bag?"
"Well", says the little old lady, "not all of them pay up"....
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-07-2005, 10:08 AM:
Rated G
Chip, his wife Anne and his family attended as many local high school football games as they could every fall. After an especially exciting Friday night game, the whole family was exhausted from yelling and screaming.
On Monday morning, their youngest, six-year-old Breanne, went to the breakfast table and, in a hoarse voice, announced, "I can't go to school today."
"Why not?" asked her parents.
Breanne replied, "I was cheering so much I have yeller fever."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-09-2005, 09:27 PM:
Rated G
A consumer group says video games are getting more and more violent. Some feature blood, missiles, and fierce fighting forces. And that's just NBA 2005.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-12-2005, 12:12 PM:
Rated G
Four football fans go rock climbing one afternoon, a Michigan fan, an Ohio State fan, a Notre Dame fan, and a Penn State fan. They had been arguing all the way up the mountain about who among them was the most "die-hard" fan.
Upon reaching the top of the mountain, the Notre Dame fan proclaimed to the other four, "This is for the Fighting Irish!" and promptly threw himself off the mountain as a form of sacrifice.
Not to be outdone by a Notre Dame fan, the Penn State fan jumped up and shouted, "This is for the Nittany Lions!" and then threw himself off the mountain.
Refusing to be outdone by the Notre Dame and Penn State fans, the Ohio State fan rose to his feet and yelled at the top of his lungs "This is for the Buckeyes!" and without any hesitation pushed the Michigan fan off the mountain.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-14-2005, 08:51 AM:
[b]Rated G
From a vacant lot across the street, twelve-year-old Dave and his older brother Joe Jr., sixteen, took turns pitching hardballs to each other and hitting toward their house, about 150 feet away.
One day, Dave hit a drive that shattered the bathroom window.
After warning his sons about being more careful, Joe Sr. replaced the window. But the very next day, Dave blasted another pitch from his brother that slammed into the very same window, breaking it again.
Knowing their father would be furious, Dave and Joe Jr. pulled down the venetian blinds in the bathroom to hide the damage.
When Joe Sr. discovered what happened, he confronted the boys. His anger was softened when Dave said, "But, Dad, you should be glad that I can hit it that far."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-15-2005, 01:14 PM:
Rated G
At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 7-year-old baseball players aside and asked, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?"
The little boy nodded in the affirmative.
"Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose together as a team?"
The little boy nodded yes.
"So," the coach continued, "I'm sure you know, when an out is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the umpire, or call him a pecker-head. Do you understand all that?"
Again the little boy nodded.
He continued, "And when I take you out of the game so another boy gets a chance to play, it's not good sportsmanship to call your coach 'a dumb asshole' is it?"
Again the little boy nodded.
"Good," said the coach. "Now go over there and explain all that to your mother."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-24-2005, 12:48 PM:
Rated G
"At the gym, a guy asked me to "spot" for him while he did the bench press. What did he mean? "Spotting" for someone means you stand over him while he blows air up your shorts. It's an accepted practice at health clubs; though if you find that it becomes the ONLY reason why you're going in, you probably ought to reevaluate your exercise program." -
-Dave Barry
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-28-2005, 03:56 PM:
Rated G popo
How to make a Detroit Lions fan mad!
What do you call 47 millionaires around a TV watching the Super Bowl?
The Detroit Lions.
--
What do the Detroit Lions and Billy Graham have in common?
They both can make 70,000 people stand up and yell "Jesus Christ".
--
How do you keep a Detroit Lion out of your yard?
Put up goal posts.
--
Where do you go in Detroit in case of a tornado?
To Ford Field - they never get a touchdown there!
--
What do you call a Detroit Lion with a Super Bowl ring?
A thief.
--
What's the difference between the Detroit Lions and a dollar bill?
You can still get four quarters out of a dollar bill.
--
How many Detroit Lions does it take to win a Super Bowl?
Nobody knows and we may never find out!
--
What do the Lions and possums have in common?
Both play dead at home and get killed on the road!
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-03-2006, 02:25 PM:
Rated G
Coming home from his Little League game, Billy swung open the front door very excited. Unable to attend the game, his father immediately wanted to know what happened. "So, how did you do son?" he asked.
"You'll never believe it!" Billy said. "I was responsible for the winning run!"
"Really? How'd you do that?"
"I dropped the ball." D
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-04-2006, 04:36 PM:
Rated G
I decided to warm up before heading out cross-country skiing.
I firmly planted my hands on the trunk of my car and stretched my legs behind.
A young girl and her father passed by and I heard the child ask, "Daddy, aren't you going to help her push?"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-04-2006, 04:42 PM:
Rated G John
'Bullfighting is the number-one sport in Latin America.'
'That's revolting!'
'No, that's the number-two sport.'
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-05-2006, 08:24 AM:
Rated G Gerry
As I was driving home from work one day, I stopped to watch a local Little League baseball game that was being played in a park near my home. As I sat down behind the bench on the first-baseline, I asked one of the boys what the score was.
"We're behind 14 to nothing." he answered with a smile.
"Really," I said. "I have to say you don't look very discouraged about that."
"Discouraged?" the boy asked with a puzzled look on his face. " Why should we be discouraged? We haven't been up to bat yet."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-06-2006, 10:39 AM:
Rated G Lulu
"How did your horse win the race?" the visitor asked the jockey.
"Well, I just kept whispering in his ear," replied the jockey. "Roses are red, violets are blue. Horses that lose are made into glue."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-08-2006, 06:45 AM:
Rated G
Baseball is almost the only orderly thing in a very unorderly world.
If you get three strikes, even the best lawyer in the world can't get you off.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-08-2006, 06:54 AM:
Rated G B.B.
Something Fishy Here
To be successful at fishing you should get there yesterday, when the fish were biting!
Fisherman: A sportsman who first lies in wait for a fish, and then lies in weight after catching it!
Nothing makes a fish bigger than almost being caught!
Then there are those times when you can swear you've got a fish, but all you've caught is weeds!
Fishing stimulates the brain - also, The imagination.
The typical fisherman is long on optimism and short on memory.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-12-2006, 07:20 AM:
Rated G
A male sportscaster disparaged women golfers, saying that breasts get in the way of their swings.
Obviously that foot got in the way of his mouth.
However, using his logic, men would have a built-in handicap when running track. And let's not talk about the hurdles.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-12-2006, 07:49 AM:
Rated PG B.B.
'Ski-through Loo'
Skiers who get caught short on the slopes can keep their skis on following the invention of a new 'ski-through loo'.
The toilet, created by Austrian ski lift operator Johann Berger, 55, from St. Jakob in Styria allows users to ski directly into the cubicle, before skiing out the other side back onto the slopes.
"It's based on the drive-through concept, but with skis," explained Berger. "We've laid down a special low friction carpet and implemented a one-way system to avoid collisions."
He added: "The toilet was originally meant for children. Every ski instructor is well aware of the problem; 10 minutes after the lesson begins 17 out of 20 children need to go to the toilet. "This will help solve the problem a lot faster, and is also ideal for adults too."
Berger says the 'ski-through loo' is the first toilet designed for use while wearing skis and hopes the system will take off around the country.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-12-2006, 07:50 AM:
Rated G B.B.
Q. Why did Texas choose orange as their team color?
A. You can wear it to the game on Saturday, hunting on Sunday, and picking up trash along the highways the rest of the week.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-20-2006, 05:22 PM:
Rated PG
A woman goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.
A Wal-Mart associate is standing there wearing dark shades.
She says, "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel.
He says, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter,I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes."
She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.
He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB. Test line. It's a good all around combination; and it's on sale this week for only $20.00."
She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter.I'll take it!" As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.
"Oh, that sounds like a Master Card," he says.
She bends down to pick it up and accidentally breaks wind.At first she is really embarrassed,but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.
The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $34.50 please."
The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me it was on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?"
He replies,"Yes, Ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00,but the Duck Call is $11.00 and the Catfish Bait is $3.50."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-31-2006, 09:49 AM:
Rated G
Men forget everything; women remember everything.
That's why men need instant replays in sports.
They've already forgotten what happened.
~Rita Rudner~
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-31-2006, 10:30 AM:
Rated G cutie pa2ti
Q: Have you ever wondered how baseball superstar Leroy "Satchel" Paige got his nickname?
A: From his size-14 shoes, which were "as big as satchels."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-02-2006, 02:07 PM:
Rated G
Football should not be called a "contact sport."
It's a collision sport.
Dancing is a more accurate example of a contact sport.
[ 02-05-2006, 10:17 AM: Message edited by: Bob Maar ]
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-05-2006, 10:16 AM:
Rated G
A fisherman from the city was out fishing on a lake in a small boat. He noticed another man in a small boat open his tackle box and take out a mirror. Being curious the man rowed over and asked, "What is the mirror for?"
"That's my secret way to catch fish," said the other man. "Shine the mirror on the top of the water. The fish notice the spot of sun on the water above and they swim to the surface. Then I just reach down and net them and pull them into the boat."
"Wow! Does that really work?"
"You bet it does."
"Would you be interested in selling that mirror? I'll give you $30 for it."
"Well, okay."
After the money was transferred, the city fisherman asked, "By the way, how many fish have you caught this week?"
"You're the sixth," he said.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-05-2006, 12:52 PM:
Rated G
Question: What's the noisiest sport in the world?
Answer: Tennis.
There's always a racket on the court.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-05-2006, 01:00 PM:
Rated G cutie pa2ti
Without a doubt, the football team that travels with the most luggage is the Packers.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-09-2006, 10:38 AM:
Rated G cutie pa2ti
Do you remember when you lost your baby teeth?
Yeah, and was I surprised my dad could hit a baseball that hard!
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-13-2006, 07:17 AM:
Rated G
Coming home from his Little League game, Billy swung open the front door very excited. Unable to attend the game, his father immediately wanted to know what happened. "So, how did you do son?" he asked.
"You'll never believe it!" Billy said. "I was responsible for the winning run!"
"Really? That's great! How'd you do that?"
"I dropped the ball."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-14-2006, 09:28 AM:
Rated G
"The Winter Olympics began tonight. It's being televised in more than 200 countries. This means that people in 200 different countries will be saying, 'What else is on?'"
--Conan O'Brien
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-18-2006, 09:51 AM:
Rated G Gerry
Baseball players are smarter than football players. How often do you see a baseball team penalized for too many players on the field?
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-20-2006, 01:04 PM:
Rated G Lorraine
We were on our way to Ohio where my husband was to compete in a hundred-mile endurance run. At the border the customs agent asked what the purpose of our trip was.
After being told, he asked, "How long?"
"If you mean the run," my husband said, "it's a hundred miles."
"God bless you!" the customs officer replied. "Do you have anything to declare, besides your insanity?"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-21-2006, 08:45 AM:
Rated G Gerry
Football is a fascinating game in which two teams fight to get a ball that doesn't even bounce correctly.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-03-2006, 09:21 AM:
Rated G
"They had a streaker during the curling match between the U.S. and Britain. No charges were pressed against the man because being the curling event there were no witnesses."
--Jay Leno
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-03-2006, 10:09 AM:
Rated G Bruce
Three guys were trying to sneak into the Olympic Village to scoop souvenirs and autographs. The first says, "Let's watch the registration table to see if there's a crack in the security system that we can utilize to scam our way in."
Immediately, a burly athlete walks up to the table and states, "Angus MacPherson. Scotland. Shotput." He opens his gym bag to display a shotput to the registration attendant.
The attendant says, "Very good, Mr. MacPherson. Here is your packet of registration materials, complete with hotel keys, passes to all Olympic events, meal tickets, and other information."
The first guy gets inspired and grabs a small tree sapling, strips off the limbs and roots, walks up the registration table and states: "Chuck Wagon. Canada. Javelin."
The attendant says, "Very good, Mr. Wagon. Here is your packet of registration materials, hotel keys, passes, meal tickets, and so forth. Good luck."
The second guy grabs a street utility manhole cover, walks up to the registration table and states: "Dusty Rhodes. Australia. Discus."
The attendant says, "Terrific, Mr. Rhodes. Here is your packet of registration materials, hotel keys, a full set of passes, and meal tickets. Enjoy yourself."
They scamper in, but suddenly realize the third guy is missing. They groan, because he's a simpleton from the hills of Vermont. They forgot to make sure he doesn't do something stupid and blow their cover stories.
Just then he walks proudly up to the table with a roll of barbed wire under his arm and states: "Foster Bean. Hardwick, Vermont. Fencing."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-08-2006, 08:42 AM:
Rated G B.B.
Egotistical Harry was always reminding people that he played semi- pro baseball.
"I was the James Bond type of player," he told his friends. "I had all sorts of tricks to confuse the opposition."
"Batted .007," his wife added.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-10-2006, 07:17 AM:
Rated G Tony
When she was about three years old, I began taking my daughter, Sally, fishing with me.
Since she caught very little, I'd ask her if she'd like to reel in one of my fish. This, I felt, would give her the idea of how it was to be done, and keep her from getting disheartened and bored.
Just before her 13th birthday, we were out in the canoe and she was pulling in fish after fish, while I couldn't hook even one.
Finally, after about her 12th fish, Sally turned to me and softly asked, "Would you like to reel in my next fish, Dad?"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-12-2006, 09:15 AM:
Rated G Lorraine
At the beginning of the new ball season, I noticed that my friend's teenage son was playing for the opposing slow-pitch team.
I asked Marilyn why her son no longer played on the same team as the rest of the family.
"Oh," she replied, "I guess he thought it was time to strike out on his own."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-19-2006, 09:03 AM:
Rated G
The college football player knew his way around the locker room better than he did the library, so when my husband's co-worker saw the gridiron star roaming the stacks looking confused, she asked how she could help.
"I have to read a play by Shakespeare," he said.
"Which one?" she asked.
He scanned the shelves and answered, "William."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-20-2006, 07:03 AM:
Rated G
While hiking in the mountains one day I came across a gorgeous gorge that I thought was an echo canyon.
I shouted "Hello there." But the response sounded to me like "Hello where?"
I tried again. "How do you do?" A moment later the report came back sounding like, "How do I do what?"
Baffled and amused I decided to give it the ultimate test.
"You're not really an echo canyon, are you?"
The response from the big ditch confirmed my suspicions.
"Brilliant deduction, Einstein!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-20-2006, 07:51 AM:
Rated G Andrew
A billboard on the left-field fence read: "The Phillies use Arid Extra-Dry."
A fan spray painted underneath, "And they still stink!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-21-2006, 02:54 PM:
Rated G Gerry
An incensed coach ran out on the field and yelled at the referee, "You stink."
Whereupon the referee paced off an additional fifteen yards looked back at the coach and said, "Okey, how do I smell from here?"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-21-2006, 03:11 PM:
Rated G Hot Mama
"In his first interview since the Olympics Bode Miller says that he has received many letters calling him a disgrace to the country.To give you an idea of how bad it is – most of the letters came from Tonya Harding."
--Conan O'Brien
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-22-2006, 11:56 AM:
Rated G Gerry
A bookstore featured special events for children and families.
One day a group of actors appeared dressed in medieval costumes. One was wearing a full suit of armor. A young boy stood very still and stared at the armored knight. "Dad," he asked, "is he their goalie?"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-23-2006, 10:17 AM:
Rated G Gerry
It's a good idea that kids in Little League are exposed to umpires that are never wrong and always win arguments.
It helps prepare them for marriage.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-23-2006, 10:19 AM:
Rated G Betsy
An athlete won a gold medal in the Olympics and was so proud of it that he took it right to a shop in town and had it bronzed.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-30-2006, 09:20 AM:
Rated G Gerry
When you're twenty-five, fishing is a challenge. When you're forty-five, it's relaxation. When you're sixty-five, fishing is exercise.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-30-2006, 10:46 AM:
Rated G
A fisherman from the city was out fishing on a lake in a small boat. He noticed another man in a small boat open his tackle box and take out a mirror. Being curious the man rowed over and asked, "What is the mirror for?"
"That's my secret way to catch fish," said the other man. "Shine the mirror on the top of the water. The fish notice the spot of sun on the water above and they swim to the surface. Then I just reach down and net them and pull them into the boat."
"Wow! Does that really work?"
"You bet it does."
"Would you be interested in selling that mirror? I'll give you $30 for it."
"Well, okay."
After the money was transferred, the city fisherman asked, "By the way, how many fish have you caught this week?"
"You're the sixth." he said.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-31-2006, 01:45 PM:
Rated G
While fishing an old rock quarry, I noticed SCUBA divers were diving at the other end of the pond. When I hooked a fish one of the divers came over to watch me fight it.
After about ten minutes my line became hung. I was about to break the line when the diver said he would go down and see what I was hung up on. So in he went.
After several minutes he came up and said, "Man... you've hooked the biggest catfish I ever saw! Why, its as big as a man. But there are some old cars down there and it went inside one and hung you up."
"Well," I said, " Why don't you take a stick and drive it out of the car?"
"I tried," he said, "but each time I poked at him with the stick, he rolled the window up!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-05-2006, 01:08 PM:
Rated G Spaz
Mary said to her neighbor, “Don’t tell me you believe your husband’s story that he spent the day fishing. Why, he didn’t come home with a single fish.”
That’s why I believe him,” the neighbor said.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-07-2006, 06:36 AM:
Rated G Spaz
Panting and perspiring, two men on a tandem bicycle at last got to the top of a steep hill. “That was a stiff climb,” said the first man.
“It certainly was,” replied the second man.
“And if I hadn’t kept the brake on, we would have slid down backward.”
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-28-2006, 07:12 PM:
Rated G Lorraine
My quiet Saturday morning ended abruptly when my 15-year-old son, Billy, and one of his friends burst through the door. "Hey Dad, announced Billy, "have you met the new neighbors?"
"No."
"Come on Dad, you have to meet them."
"Some other time; I'm busy."
"Dad, you have to meet them now."
From the urgency in Billy's voice, I assumed the neighbors were waiting outside. I set aside my project and went to the front of the house. No one was there. "Where are they?" I asked.
"Well, Dad," he explained, "we haven't met them yet either, but our baseball is in their living room!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-14-2006, 10:28 AM:
Rated G to R
America's favorite national pastime...baseball. Enjoy these jokes!
---
Q.Why did Cinderella get kicked off the baseball team?
A. Becasue she ran away from the ball!
---
The Chicago Cubs...they are at least trying. They installed a new pitching machine the other day. Unfortunately it beat them 5-1!
---
Q: Heard about the huge oil spill off the coast here?
A: They've hired the Dodgers to help clean it up. They just go out there and throw in the towel.
---
Q: Why does Michael Jackson like baseball games?
A: Because he gets to see some balls.
---
Q: Why is it so hot at Phillies games?
A: Because there's not a fan in the place.
---
Q: Who's the most famous Los Angeles Dodger?
A: O.J. Simpson.
---
Q: Why is it so windy at Candlestick Park?
A: Because of all the Giant Fans!
---
Q: What is the difference between Yankee fans and dentists?
A: One roots for the yanks, and the other yanks for the roots.
---
Q: What is the difference between baseball and law?
A: In baseball, if you're caught stealing, you're out.
---
Confucius say that baseball very funny game; man can walk on 4 balls.
---
Q: What is the difference between Mel Rojas and UPS?
A: UPS knows how to throw a strike.
---
Wade Boggs, Steve Garvey and Pete Rose are in a bar. A pretty woman walks by and Boggs says, "I'm going to ask her out." Garvey replied, "You can't do that, she's carrying my baby." To which Rose added, "You wanna bet?"
---
One Day the Devil challenged the Lord to a baseball game.
Smiling the Lord proclaimed, "You don't have a chance, I've got Babe Ruth, Mickey Mantle, and all the greatest players up here."
"Yes", laughed the devil, "but I have all the umpires!"
---
The American MLB is deciding whether or not to reinstate Pete Rose in the 98 season. When asked about it, Rose said, "I hope they do, cause I've got $100 riding on it."
---
I love autumn. It gives me a chance to sit at home and watch the world series. A bit like the Dodgers.
---
Q: What do you get when you cross a tree with a baseball player?
A: Babe Root.
---
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-14-2006, 02:28 PM:
Rated G to R Football Jokes
Q: Why can't Michael Irvin be in the Cowboy huddle anymore?
A: It's a parole violation for him to associate with known felons
---
An anxious woman goes to her doctor. "Doctor," she asks nervously, "I'm a bit worried - can you get pregnant from anal intercourse?"
"Of course," replies the doctor, "Where do you think Chicago bears fans come from?"
---
Q: Why is the pitch at Kansas City so Green?
A: Cuz they keep putting lots of shit on it.
---
Q: How do the Cowboys spend the first week of training camp?
A: Studying the Miranda Rights
---
The Cowboys had a 12 and 5 season this year.
12 arrests and 5 convictions.
---
Q: How do you kill a NY Giants fan when he's been drinking?
A: Slam the toilet seat on his head.
---
Q: What does the average Jacksonville player get on his SATs?
A: Drool.
---
Q: How do you get a Tennessee graduate off your porch?
A: Pay him for the pizza.
---
Q: What do you get when you put 28 Arkansas cheerleaders in one room?
A: A full set of teeth.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-09-2007, 02:33 PM:
Rated G Little League Conference
Coach Jones called the young lad in from center fielf during a little league game for a conference.
"See here Larry," said the coach, "you know the principles of good sportsmanship that the little league practices. You also know we don't tolerate temper tandrums, shouting at the umpire, or abusive language. Do I make myself clear?"
"Yes Sir," replied Larry.
"Well, then Larry," sighed Coach Jones, "would you please try to explain it to your mother?"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-20-2007, 10:42 AM:
Rated G Lorraine
On September 22, 1940, Washington Redskins captain Turk Edwards went out for the coin toss at the start of a game. As he trotted back to the bench, he caught a cleat in the turf and one of his knees buckled. The future Hall of Famer never played professional football again.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-05-2007, 11:06 AM:
Rated G Becky
THE PENALTY BOX
Still not grasping just how important hockey was to my new husband, I plunked myself down next to him on the couch while he watched a game and began to chat. After being shushed a few times, I gave him a look.
Immediately contrite, he picked up the remote. "I'm sorry, honey," he apologized, "I'm being rude. You go ahead and talk -- I'll just turn up the volume."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-04-2007, 08:59 AM:
Rated G Lorraine
Because the play-offs were closing in, my son Danny's high-school football team practiced daily. At the end of each practice, his coach would ask one player to pick an exercise they hadn't done that day. With snow falling heavily one blustery November afternoon, Danny was chosen. He looked around at his tired teammates and called out, “Snow angels!” Immediately his coach yelled, “All right, men, drop and give me ten good snow angels!” And 45 young men dropped without hesitation.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-15-2007, 08:58 AM:
Rated G Lorraine
We were camping with our three young children. After supper one evening my husband took our two small boys, Danny and Josh, fishing, while my daughter and I cleaned up the campsite. About an hour later Danny came running up from the lake screaming: “Mom! Mom! Josh caught a fish as long as his leg!” From a nearby campsite an interested voice called, “How big is Josh?”
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-15-2007, 09:00 AM:
Rated G Lorraine
One day we were boating with a few friends and my husband decided to try out our new water skis. When he asked who would spot for him, we all assured him, “Don't worry, there are three adults here.”
Soon we were roaring down the bay, chatting away at full speed. When my six-year-old son broke in with, “Where's Daddy?” we looked back, but my husband was nowhere to be seen.
Now he only lets the kids spot for him.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-15-2007, 09:06 AM:
Rated G Lorraine
After hitting his 7th ball into the water on the 4th hole, a father turns to his son and says, "It takes a lot of balls to play golf the way I do."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-22-2007, 02:29 PM:
Rated G George
The coach had put together the perfect team for the New Orleans Saints. The only thing missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl victory.
Then one night, while watching CNN, he saw a war-zone scene in Afghanistan. In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Afghan Muslim soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand- grenade straight into a window from 80 yards away. Then he threw another from 50 yards down a chimney, and then hit a passing car going 80 miles per hour.
I've got to get this guy!" coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"
So, he brings the young Afghan to the States and teaches him the great game of football ....... and sure enough the Saints go on to win the Super Bowl.
The young Afghan is hailed as a hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants to do is call his mother.
"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"
"I don't want to talk to you," the old Muslim woman says. "You deserted us. You are not my son!"
"Mother, I don't think you understand," pleads the son, "I've just won the greatest sporting event in the world!"
"No! Let me tell you," his mother retorts. "At this very moment there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get attacked!"
The old lady pauses, then tearfully says, "I will never forgive you for making us move to New Orleans!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-25-2007, 04:48 PM:
Rated G B.B.
A fellow, who frequently left the office to play golf, instructed his secretary to tell all callers that he was away from his desk.
After he left the office, a member of his foursome forgot which course they were playing that day, and called for information. The loyal girl would only reply that her boss was away from his desk.
"Just tell me," the golfer persisted, "Is he five miles away from his desk, twenty miles away from his desk, or thirty miles away from his desk?"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-22-2007, 03:12 PM:
Rated G Lorraine
I was amazed but pleased when my most unathletic daughter, Lucy, arrived home from fifth grade sports day with a "First" blue ribbon. I told her how proud I was of her and asked what race she had run to win a first-place ribbon. "It was a relay race, Mom," she replied. I asked what position she had run. "Oh, I didn’t run," she answered. "I was the pole our team ran around.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 05-14-2007, 03:21 PM:
Rated G Lorraine
Halfway through the baseball season, one of the youngsters I coach still hadn't been on base. But in one game he finally managed to reach first base. Two batters later he was standing on third. I thought it would be a good time to review some theory. I leaned over and asked him to tell me which base he was on.
He looked intently across at first base, turned to observe second and then stared down at his feet. He looked up at me triumphantly and announced, "This one!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-10-2007, 12:43 PM:
Rated G Ken
Mort Sahl sympathized with football widows. When one woman asked him how she could get her husband's attention away from the TV set, he said, "Wear something sheer."
"What if that doesn't work?" she asked.
"Then put a number on your back," Sahl replied.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-18-2007, 01:02 PM:
Rated G Lorraine
A man came to work one day, limping noticeably. One of his co- workers noticed and asked him what happened.
"Oh, nothing." he replied, "It's just an old hockey injury that acts up once in a while."
Impressed, his coworker said, "Wow! I never knew you played hockey."
"I don't," came the reply. "I hurt it last year when my team lost the Stanley Cup playoffs. I put my foot through the television."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-08-2007, 07:01 AM:
Rated G Ed in Aurora, Ont.
An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, "Seven Points."
His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that? " The old man replied, "It's fart football."
A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says "Touchdown, tie score."
After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, "Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7."
Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, "Touchdown, tie score."
Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker andsays, "Field goal, I lead 17 to 14."
Now the pressure is on the old man. He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard.
Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally poops in the bed.
The wife says, "What the hell was that?"
The old man says, "Half time, switch sides."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-02-2007, 04:54 PM:
Rated G By the editor's of Men's Health
1. "Good luck is what happens when preparation meets opportunity."
—Darrell Royal, former University of Texas football coach
2. "If anything goes bad, I did it. If anything goes good, we did it. If anything goes really good, then you did it. That's all it takes to get people to win."
—Paul "Bear" Bryant, former University of Alabama football coach
3. "I've had smarter people around me all my life, but I haven't run into one yet that can outwork me. And if they can't outwork you, then smarts aren't going to do them much good. That's just the way it is. And if you believe that and live by it, you'd be surprised at how much fun you can have."
—Woody Hayes, former Ohio State football coach
4. "Courage is not the absence of fear, but simply moving on with dignity despite that fear."
—Pat Riley, Miami Heat coach
5. "Being with a woman all night never hurt no professional baseball player. It's staying up all night looking for a woman that does him in."
—Casey Stengel, former New York Yankees and Mets manager
6. "If you don't have time to do it right, when will you have time to do it over?"
—John Wooden, former UCLA men's basketball coach
7. "Pressure is a word that is misused in our vocabulary. When you start thinking of pressure, it's because you've started to think of failure."
—Tommy Lasorda, former L.A. Dodgers manager
8. "If what you did yesterday seems big, you haven't done anything today."
—Lou Holtz, former University of South Carolina and Notre Dame football coach
9. "The key is not the will to win... everybody has that. It is the will to prepare to win that is important."
—Bobby Knight, Texas Tech men's basketball coach
10. "Today, you have 100 percent of your life left."
—Tom Landry, former Dallas Cowboys coach
11. "The superior man blames himself. The inferior man blames others."
—Don Shula, former Miami Dolphins coach
12. "Success without honor is an unseasoned dish; it will satisfy your hunger, but it won't taste good."
—Joe Paterno, Penn State football coach
13. "You can learn a line from a win and a book from a defeat."
—Paul Brown, former Cincinnati Bengals coach
14. "Success is not the result of spontaneous combustion. You must set yourself on fire."
—Fred Shero, former Philadelphia Flyers coach
15. "The key step for an infielder is the first one, but before the ball is hit."
—Earl Weaver, former Baltimore Orioles manager
16. "It's not whether you got knocked down. It's whether you get back up."
—Vince Lombardi, former Green Bay Packers coach
17. "Statistics are like loose women. Once you get them, they let you do what you want with them."
—Walt Michaels, former New York Jets coach
18. "Talent is God-given. Be humble. Fame is man-given. Be grateful. Conceit is self-given. Be careful."
—John Wooden, former UCLA men's basketball coach
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-13-2008, 04:18 PM:
Rated G Lorraine
Yogi Berra was famed for his verbal bloopers.
After a streaker took to the field during a game one day, Berra was asked about the perpetrator's gender.
"I don't know," he replied. "Their face was covered by a bag."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-15-2008, 02:34 PM:
Rated G Lorraine
A horse trainer was giving last-minute instructions to his jockey when he appeared to slip something into the horse's mouth just as a steward walked by.
"What was that?" inquired the steward.
"Oh nothing," said the trainer, "Just a polo."
He offered one to the steward and had one himself. After the suspicious steward left the scene, the trainer continued with his instructions
“Just keep on the rail,” he said “You are on a sure thing. The only thing that could possibly pass you down the home straight is either the steward or me."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-28-2008, 03:03 PM:
Rated G
Three women and three men are traveling by train to the Super Bowl.
At the station, the three men each buy a ticket and watch as the three women buy just one ticket.
"How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?" asks one of the men.
"Watch and learn," answers one of the women.
They all board the train. The three men take their respective seats but all three women cram into a toilet together and close the door.
Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and says, "Ticket, please."
The door opens just a crack, and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.
The men see this happen and agree it was quite a clever idea; so, after the game, they decide to do the same thing on the return trip and save some money.
When they get to the station they buy a single ticket for the return trip but see, to their astonishment, that the three women don't buy any ticket at all!!
"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed man.
"Watch and learn," answer the women.
When they board the train, the three men cram themselves into a toilet, and the three women cram into another toilet just down the way.
Shortly after the train is on its way, one of the women leaves her toilet and walks over to the toilet in which the men are hiding.
The woman knocks on their door and says, "Ticket, please."
I'm still trying to figure out why men ever think they are smarter than women!!!***
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-16-2008, 05:58 PM:
Rated G B.B.
At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 9-year- old baseball players aside and asked, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?" The little boy nodded in the affirmative.
"Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose together as a team?" The little boy nodded yes.
"So," the coach continued, "I'm sure you know, when an out is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the umpire, or call him a pecker-head. Do you understand all that?" The little boy nodded again.
He continued, "And when I take you out of the game so another boy gets a chance to play, it's not good sportsmanship to call your coach 'a dumb ass' is it?" Again, the little boy nodded.
"Good," said the coach. "Now go over there and explain all that to your grandmother."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-18-2008, 11:25 AM:
Rated G
A man had been driving all night and by morning was still far from his destination. He decided to stop at the next city he came to, and park somewhere quiet so he could get an hour or two of sleep. As luck would have it, the quiet place he chose happened to be on one of the city's major jogging routes. No sooner had he settled back to snooze when there came a knocking on his window. He looked out and saw a jogger running in place.
"Yes?"
"Excuse me, sir," the jogger said, "do you have the time?"
The man looked at the car clock and answered, "8:15".
The jogger said thanks and left. The man settled back again, and was just dozing off when there was another knock on the window and another jogger.
"Excuse me, sir, do you have the time?"
"8:25!"
The jogger said thanks and left. Now the man could see other joggers passing by and he knew it was only a matter of time before another one disturbed him. To avoid the problem, he got out a pen and paper and put a sign in his window saying, "I do not know the time!"
Once again he settled back to sleep. He was just dozing off when there was another knock on the window.
"Sir, sir? It's 8:45!."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-20-2008, 05:48 PM:
Rated G TheWhiteRabbit
You might be a fisherman if...
-Your wedding party had to tie tin cans to the back of your bass boat
-You call your boat "sweetheart" and your wife "skeeter"
-Your local tackle shop has your credit card number on file
-You name your dog "Mercury" and your cat "Evinrude"
-You have a photo of your 10-pound bass on your desk at work instead of your family
-You send your kid off to the first day of school with his shoes tied in a palomar knot
-You think there are four seasons: Pre-spawn, Spawn, Post Spawn, and Hunting
-Your $30,000 bass boat's trailer needs new tires so you just "borrow" the ones off your house
-You trade your wife's van for a smaller vehicle so your bass boat will fit in the garage>
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-26-2008, 03:51 PM:
Rated G cutie pa2ti
What's the difference between a Yankee Stadium hotdog, and a Fenway Park hotdog?
You can buy a Yankee Stadium hotdog in October.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-10-2008, 04:36 PM:
Rated G Charles
Learning to head a soccer ball teaches skill, coordination, and a wonderful combination of courage and prudence.
Where else can you convince a kid it's a good idea to keep his eyes open and his mouth shut?
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-12-2008, 08:34 PM:
Rated G SOFTBALL STORY
Two 90-year-old women, Rose and Barb, had been friends all of their lives. When it was clear that Rose was dying, Barb visited her every day. One day Barb said, 'Rose, we both loved playing women's softball all our lives, and we played all through High School. Please do me one favor: when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's women's soft-ball there.
' Rose looked up at Barb from her deathbed and said, 'Barb, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favor for you.' Shortly after that, Rose passed on.
At midnight a few nights later, Barb was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to her, 'Barb, Barb.' 'Who is it?' asked Barb, sitting up suddenly. 'Who is it?' 'Barb -- it's me, Rose.' 'You're not Rose. Rose just died.' 'I'm telling you, it's me, Rose,' insisted the voice. 'Rose! Where are you?' 'In Heaven,' replied Rose. 'I have some really good news and a little bad news.
' 'Tell me the good news first,' said Barb. 'The good news,' Rose said, 'is that there's Softball in Heaven. Better yet, all of our old buddies who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always springtime, and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play softball all we want, and we never get tired.' 'That's fantastic,' said Barb. 'It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?'
'You're pitching Tuesday.'
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-24-2008, 01:48 PM:
Rated G Uncle Bubba
I took my son to his first Major League baseball game when he was four. The game was delayed, so we spent our time talking and eating everything the concession had to offer: Hot dogs, pretzels, nachos, pizza, soda, peanuts, ice cream, and cotton candy.
About a year later, I asked my son if he'd like to go to another game. He thought about it for a moment and then replied, "No, thanks, Dad. I'm really not that hungry."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 07-03-2008, 06:47 AM:
Rated G Lorraine
In June 1946, Joe Louis (1914-1981) defended his heavyweight title against Billy Conn (the so-called "Pittsburgh Kid"). What Conn lacked in size he made up for with incredible agility. Indeed, in the early stages of the fight, he danced around Louis and managed to land several solid punches. By the end of the twelfth round, Conn was well ahead of Louis on points and seemed destined to take the championship. At the start of the thirteenth round, he delivered another heavy blow and went in for the kill - whereupon Louis delivered a thundering uppercut that sent him sprawling to the canvas. Conn was out cold and Louis kept the heavyweight title.
Many years later, Conn, discussing the fight with Louis again, jokingly asked him why he hadn't let him win. "You could have sort of loaned me the crown for six months," he said. "Billy," Louis replied, "you had that title for twelve rounds."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-24-2008, 04:02 PM:
Rated XXXX NYCBRO
Subject: Fw: Fw: Olympic Commentators
Here is the top nine comments made by NBC sports commentators during the last Summer Olympics that they would like to take back:
1. Weightlifting commentator: 'This is Georgiana from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing.'
2. Dressage commentator: 'This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother.'
3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: 'I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father.'
4. Boxing Analyst: 'Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious.'
5. Softball announcer: 'If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again.'
6. Basketball analyst: 'He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces.'
7. At the rowing medal ceremony: 'Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew.'
8. Soccer commentator: 'Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field.'
9. Tennis commentator' One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that,before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them..Oh my God, what have I just said?'
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-04-2009, 10:44 AM:
Rated G Jokester
Race Horses
I believe that earlier this year the US Postal Service also issued a set of stamps featuring American racehorses.
This must be one of the great ironies of the horse racing industry. If a horse wins its races it gets put on the front of a postage stamp. If it loses it gets put on the back!
A Day at the Races
Horses in the race:
Passionate Lady
Clean Sheets
Bare Belly
Thighs
Silk Panties
Big Johnson
Conscience
Heavy Bosom
Jockey Shorts
Merry Cherry
At the Post...
They're off! Conscience is left behind at the post. Jockey Shorts and Silk Panties are off in a hurry. Heavy Bosom is being pressured. Passionate Lady is caught between Thighs and Big Johnson in a very tight spot.
At the Halfway Mark...
It's Bare Belly on top. Thighs opens up and Big Johnson is pressed in. Heavy Bosom is being pushed hard against Clean Sheets. Passionate Lady and Thighs are working hard on Bare Belly. Bare Belly is under terrific pressure from Big Johnson.
At the Stretch...
Merry Cherry cracks under the strain. Big Johnson is making a final drive. Passionate Lady is coming.
At the Finish...
It's Big Johnson giving everything he's got and Passionate Lady takes everything Big Johnson has to offer. It looks like a dead heat but Big Johnson squirts through and wins by a head. Heavy Bosom weakens and Thighs pull up.
Clean Sheets never had a chance...
Posted by System Notices (Member # 2357) on 02-04-2011, 12:43 PM:
It has been 671 days since the last post.