Old aviation Sayings... some good, some not so good....

It only takes five years to go from rumor to standard operating procedure.

Landing on the ship during the daytime is like sex, it's either good or it's great. Landing on the ship at night is like a trip to the dentist, you may get away with no pain, but you just don't feel comfortable. LCDR Thomas Quinn, USN.

The three best things in life are a good landing, a good orgasm, and a good shit. A night carrier landing is one of the few opportunities to experience all three at the same time.

Now I know what a dog feels like watching TV. A DC-9 captain trainee attempting to check out on the 'glass cockpit' A-320.

A check ride ought to be like a skirt, short enough to be interesting but still be long enough to cover everything

Speed is life, altitude is life insurance.

No one has ever collided with the sky.

A "GOOD" landing is one from which you can walk away.
A "GREAT" landing is one after which you can use the airplane again

If you've got time to spare, go by air. (More time yet? Go by jet.)

It only takes two things to fly, airspeed and money.

The similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots?
If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies. If ATC screws up, the pilot dies.

The difference between a duck and a co-pilot? The duck can fly.

It's better to break ground and head into the wind than to break wind and head into the ground.

If it doesn't work, rename it. If that doesn't help, the new name isn't long enough.

Please don't tell Mum I'm a pilot, she thinks I play piano in a whorehouse.

Will Rogers never met a fighter pilot.

The difference between flight attendants and jet engines is that the engine usually quits whining when it gets to the gate.

If it's ugly, it's British; if it's weird, it's French; and if it's ugly and weird, it's Russian.

New FAA motto: We're not happy, till you're not happy.

A copilot is a knot head until he spots opposite direction traffic at 12 o'clock, after which he's a goof-off for not seeing it sooner.

Without ammunition the USAF would be just another expensive flying club.

If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to.

The three most dangerous things in aviation are a doctor in a Bonanza, two captains in a DC-9, and a flight attendant with a chipped tooth.

I give that landing a 9 . . . on the Richter scale.

Pilots are just plane people with a special air about them.

Basic Flying Rules

1. Try to stay in the middle of the air.

2. Do not go near the edges of it.

3. The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. It is much more difficult to fly there.

Welcome to a new co-pilot from an old captain:
"Son, your wife's legs have more time in the air than you do."

Unknown landing signal officer to carrier pilot after his 6th unsuccessful landing:
"You've got to land here son, this is where the food is."

AIRLINE TRUTHS (Supposedly)

Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

"As we prepare for takeoff, please make sure your tray tables and seat backs are fully upright in their most uncomfortable position."

There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..."

"Your seat cushions can be used for floatation, and in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."

"We do feature a smoking section on this flight; if you must smoke, contact a member of the flight crew and we will escort you to the wing of the airplane."

"Smoking in the lavatories is prohibited. Any person caught smoking in the lavatories will be asked to leave the plane immediately."

Pilot - "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land... it's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."

And, after landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

As we waited just off the runway for another airliner to cross in front of us, some of the passengers were beginning to retrieve luggage from the overhead bins. The head attendant announced on the intercom, "This aircraft is equipped with a video surveillance system that monitors the cabin during taxiing. Any passengers not remaining in their seats until the aircraft comes to a full and complete stop at the gate will be strip-searched as they leave the aircraft.

Once on a Southwest flight, the pilot said, "We've reached our cruising altitude now, and I'm turning off the seat belt sign. I'm switching to auto-pilot, too, so I can come back there and visit with all of you for the rest of the flight."

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella...WHOA..!"

"Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children or adults acting like children."

"As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

"Last one off the plane must clean it."

And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry... Unfortunately none of them are on this flight...!

Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump and I know what ya'll are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airlines fault, it wasn't the pilots fault, it wasn't the flight attendants fault.....it was the asphalt!"

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, give a smile, and a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no Ma'am," said the pilot, "what is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"

Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

Another flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."

From a Southwest Airlines employee.. "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX, to YYY. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more.

Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than XXX Airlines!"

Aviation 101

Takeoff's are optional. Landings are mandatory.

If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger, if you pull the stick back they get smaller. (Unless you keep pulling the stick back then they get bigger again)

Flying is not dangerous; crashing is dangerous.

It's better to be down here wishing you were up there, than up there wishing you were down here.

The propeller is just a big fan in the front of the plane to keep the pilot cool. Want proof? Make it stop; then watch the pilot break out into a sweat.

It's best to keep the pointed end going forward as much as possible.

The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.

Every one already knows the definition of a 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. But very few know the definition of a 'great landing.' It's one after which you can use the airplane another time.

The probability of survival is equal to the angle of arrival.

Those who hoot with the owls by night should not fly with the eagles by day.

A helicopter is a collection of rotating parts going round and round and reciprocating parts going up and down - all of them trying to become random in motion. Helicopters can't really fly - they're just so ugly that the earth immediately repels them.

There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing: Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.

The only thing worse than a captain who never flew as copilot is a copilot who once was a captain.

It's easy to make a small fortune in aviation. You start with a large fortune.

Try to keep the number of your landings equal to the number of your takeoffs.

You cannot propel yourself forward by patting yourself on the back.

Gravity never loses. The best you can hope for is a draw.

Airline captains universally rate the B-747 as the easiest airliner to land. The technique:

Hold the nose down until the first officer screams.

The chief pilot at my last airline had a bumper sticker on her car that read "A woman's place is in the cockpit." To which someone added with a marker "Serving coffee to the pilots."

With so many women pilots around nowadays, we can no longer refer to the flight deck as a "cockpit." The new term is "boxoffice."

A man suspected that his wife was having an affair with a pilot. When confronted with his suspicions she denied it, yelling "I've told you niner thousand times, negative!"

 

Overheard in the hallway at the flight school one day (CFI=Certified Flight Instructor):

CFI to Student: You're back! How'd the cross-country go?

Student: It went fine. The plane's out front.

CFI: Out front?

Student: Yeah. In the parking lot.

CFI: In the parking lot?!

Student: Yeah. On the flatbed.

CFI: The flatbed?!?

Student: Yeah. The wings'll be here tomorrow.

The flight deck crew had just leveled off and were settling in for their long trip across the Pacific. Having completed the cruise checklist, the flight engineer asked the captain for the ship's log in order to make some entries. The captain didn't respond (which is the usual captain's response to questions from flight engineers). The engineer repeated the question. The captain still didn't respond. The engineer, thinking the captain had dozed off (which is the usual captain's response to the beginning of the cruise segment) reached forward and tapped him on the shoulder. The captain slumped over--dead in his seat.

The engineer exclaimed, "Holy $#%&! The captain's dead! What do we do now?"

The first officer calmly replied, "Well, the first thing we do is get that fat sonofabitch out of my seat."

The proposed Airbus A-410-100. Looks like a Boeing beater for sure

Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

1. From a Southwest Airlines employee: "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane."

2. Pilot: "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land. It's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."

3. After landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

4. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. Whoa!"

5. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."

6. From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It
works just like every other seatbelt and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of
cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you,
secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more."

7. "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you or
your money more than Southwest Airlines."

8. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation. In the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."

9. "As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings.Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

10. "Last one off the plane must clean it."

11. From the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately none of them are on this
flight."

12. This was overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach, the captain was really
having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the flight attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in
your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

13. Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

14. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a, "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment.
Finally, everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, did we land or were we shot down?"

15. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the flight attendant got on the PA and said, "Ladies and gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."

16. Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at US
Airways."
 

Knowing when to scream

Passengers on a small commuter plane are waiting for the flight to leave and they're getting a little impatient. But the airport staff has assured them that the pilots will be there soon and the flight can take off immediately there after. The entrance opens and two men walk upthe aisle, dressed in pilots' uniforms. Both are wearing dark glasses.

One is using a seeing-eye dog, and the other is tapping his way up the aisle with a white, tipped cane. Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin as the men enter the cockpit. The door closes, and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing around, nervously, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming.

The plane moves faster and faster down the runway and people at the windows realize that they're headed straight for the edge of the water at the end of the airport's property. It begins to look as though the plane will never take off - that it will plow into the water!!

Panicked screams fill the cabin -- but at that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly. Soon they have all retreated into their magazines, secure in theknowledge that the plane is in good hands.

Up in the cockpit, the copilot turns to the pilot and says, "You know, Bob, one of these days, they're going to scream too late, and we're all gonna die?!"
 

Which do you prefer to fly???

Paul and Bob

As a former C141b and C5a/b Crew Chief....

The CORRECT name for the C5a/b is F.R.E.D. (Phuggin Ridicilous Economical Disaster)

One of the reasons that many USAF aircraft are airworthy are because of the amount of back-up systems to the primary systems! (thats a fact!)

god knows how many times a C141 or C5 would need an emerengcy repair as is sat at the end of the runway awaiting tak-off. The emerengcy service runs were refered to as "red streaks". This name was changed because it is obviously not p.c.!

A mother and her son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago.
The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the stewardess.

So the boy asked the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The stewardess responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?" The boy admitted that this was the case.

"Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Your mother can explain it to you."
 

The flight was coming into Dallas when a combination of mechanical errors and unstable weather caused the plane to start plummeting to the ground! The pilot feverishly worked his controls, and finally, the engines roared back to life in time to prevent the plane from going splat on the ground!

As the plane landed, airport officials rushed to the disembarking gate and were stunned to see 200 midgets shakily get off the plane. Finally the crew got off the plane and the local manager of the airline came up to congratulate him on his perseverance under extreme odds. As the official and the pilot were talking, the official commented how unusual it was that there were so many midgets on the flight.

"Those weren't midgets," the pilot replied. Those were Texans with all the shit scared out of them!" ;D

A plane was taking off from the airport. After it reached a nice cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and Gentlemen,
this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight number 293, non-stop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and we should have a smooth flight, Now sit back and relax. - OH MY GOD!"

Silence.

Then, the captain came back on the intercom and said: "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was talking the flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled it in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"

A passenger in Coach said to the person sitting next to him: "That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!"
 

Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems,known as"squawks," submitted by QUANTAS pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers.

Quantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.In the following, P = The problem logged by the pilot... S = Thesolution and action taken by the engineers.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.
S: Autoland not installed on this aircraft.

P: No. 2 propeller seeping prop fluid.
S: No. 2 propeller seepage normal. Nos. 1, 3 and 4 propellers lack normal seepage.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on backorder.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-fp! m descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for!

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windscreen.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with words.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed
 

Flying Lines

Truly superior pilots are those who use their superior judgment to avoid those situations where they might have to use their superior skills.

Flying is hours of boredom, punctuated by moments of stark terror.

It's better to be down here wishing you were up there, than up there wishing you were down here.

Without fuel, pilots become pedestrians.

If you're ever faced with a forced landing at night, turn on the landing lights to see the landing area. If you don't like what you see, turn 'em back off.

Speed is life, altitude is life insurance.

No one has ever collided with the sky.

Experience is a hard teacher. First comes the test, then the lesson.

Cessna pilots are always found in the wreckage with their hand around the microphone.

If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger, if you pull the stick back they get smaller.

To go up, pull the stick back. To go down, pull the stick back harder.

Flying is the second greatest thrill known to man.... Landing is the first!

Every one already knows the definition of a 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. But very few know the definition of a 'great landing.' It's one after which you can use the airplane
another time.

The probability of survival is equal to the angle of arrival.

There are old pilots, and there are bold pilots, but there are no old bold pilots.

The three best things in life are a good landing, a good orgasm, and a good shit. A night carrier landing is one of the few opportunities to experience all three at the same time.

Those who hoot with the owls by night, should not fly with the eagles by day.

Helicopters don't fly. They beat the air into submission.

Never ask a man if he is a fighter pilot. If he is, he'll let you know. If he isn't, don't embarrass him.

Things which do you no good in aviation:
Altitude above you.

Runway behind you.

Fuel in the truck.

A navigator.

Half a second ago.

Approach plates in the car.

The airspeed you don't have.

It is far better to arrive late in this world than early in the next.

 

Aboard a flight from L.A. to New York, Grandma Esther was taking her very first flight. They had only been aloft a few minutes when the elderly lady complained to the stewardess that her ears were popping.

The girl smiled and gave the older woman some chewing gum, assuring her that many people experienced the same discomfort.

When they landed in New York, Grandma thanked the stewardess.

"The chewing gum worked fine," she said, "but tell me, how do I get it out of my ears?"
 

It was mealtime during our trip on a small airline in the
Northwest. "Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked
the man seated in front of me.

"What are my choices?" he asked.

"Yes or no," she replied.

 

From this week's Short Final at http://www.avweb.com:

About five years ago in a 727 on a scheduled service run into Orlando descending below 15,000 feet ... During one three-minute span the aircraft received five "vector for traffic" calls from Approach Control. Upon receiving the sixth the Captain asked, "Are we the only ones up here with ailerons today?"

 

Round engines

Isn't this the truth. Death to turbines!

We gotta get rid of these turbines, they are ruining aviation. We need to go back to big round engines.

Anybody can start a turbine, you just need to move a switch from "OFF" to "START," and then remember it needs kerosene after a while. My PC is harder to start.

Cranking a round engine requires skill, finesse and style. Only pilots and mechanics can do it right. Turbines start by whining for a while, then give a small lady-like poot and start whining louder.

Round engines give a satisfying clank-rattle, click-click, BANG, more rattles, groans another BANG, a big macho fart or two, more clicks, a lot of fire and smoke and finally a serious low pitched roar. We like that. It's a guy thing.

When you start a round engine, your mind is engaged and ready for a fight and you can concentrate on the flight ahead. Starting a turbine is like flicking on a ceiling fan: Useful, but hardly exciting.

Turbines don't break often enough, leading to aircrew boredom, complacency and inattention. A round engine at speed looks and sounds like it's going to blow at any minute. This helps concentrate the mind.

Turbines don't have enough control levers to keep a pilot's attention. There's nothing to fiddle with during long flights.

Turbines smell like a Boy Scout camp full of Coleman lanterns. Round engined airplanes smell like God intended flying machines to smell.

I think I hear the nurse coming down the hall. I gotta go.

Q: What's the difference between an airline pilot and a turbine engine?

A: Turbine engines quit whining at the gate.

 

A friend of mine heard this on a pre-flight announcement from an
American Airlines pilot: "On our flight today, we will be flying
at 34,000 feet. To give you an idea of how high that is, we would be
able to fly over 50 Empire state buildings stacked one on top the
other.

"Our speed will be about 500 miles per hour. That is just over the
muzzle velocity of the standard military .45 pistol."

"We will be pushed along by two Pratt and Whitney JT-8D-200 turbofan engines. While thrust to horsepower varies with altitude,the total 40,000 pounds of thrust is greater than the combined power of 10 D-9 diesel locomotives."

"In other words, we're faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive, and able to leap tall buildings in a single bound, and as always, your Dallas based crew stands for truth, justice, and the AMERICAN way of life!"

THE OLD FIGHTER PILOT

There was this crusty old fighter pilot who found himself at a local liberal arts college gala. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic women in attendance, one of whom approached the soldier for conversation.

"Excuse me sir,but you seem such a serious man. Are you always this way or is something bothering you?"

"Nope. Just serious by nature ma'am' he replied.

She looked at his medals, "It looks like you've seen a lot of action."

"Yes I have," was the man's short reply.

The young woman, tiring of her attempt at conversation, said "You know, you should lighten up a little and have some fun! For example, when was the last time you had sex?"

The old pilot said "1955."

"Oh, my! No sex since 1955, isn't that a little extreme?"

Glancing at his watch, the pilot said,"Oh I think it's fine and dandy. It's only 2130 now!"
 

On that note, the following is rated R

Q: At the layover hotel how do the hookers know when they're dealing with a pilot?

A: Those are the guys with:

1. Big watch
   
2. Little dick
   
3. No money

On a flight home after a business trip, Jill was waiting for her meal.

By the time the attendant reached her seat, only one dinner remained on her cart. Nonetheless, she followed routine by asking, "Steak or chicken?"

Jill stared at the dinner for some time before responding, "Okay, I give up. Which is it?" :d

 

And since it was my leg and landing, I replied "Good advice."

The Army Airborne Major was used to harassment from Air Force fliers about crazy Army paratroopers jumping out of perfectly good aircraft.

"Obviously the Air Force knows there's no such thing as a 'perfectly good aircraft,' " the irritated officer finally countered one afternoon, "because they pay you bastards four times as much to stay in one as the Army pays its men to jump."

"You've got it all wrong, Major," an Air Force sergeant replied. "The Army figures anyone stupid enough to jump out of an airplane voluntarily is gonna be too dumb to bitch about the salary."

A couple of "pilot pay" jokes:

Blackbird driver at the bar (rather condescendingly):
"...and we were cruising at flight level 650...but you guys never get much over forty thousand, do you?"

Disgusted airline pilot:
"Only in salary."

* * * * *

It was rougher than Aunt Tillie's stucco bathtub at all altitudes in New York Center's airspace. Everyone was calling for smoother altitudes, without much success. Finally, up pops a voice saying "Lear 23CB, it's nice and smooth at FL450."

Silence for a few moments. Then comes the response:
"Northwest 482, yeah, but how's the pay up there?"

My father, a retired Air Force pilot, often sprinkles his conversation with aviation jargon. I didn't realize what flying had meant to him, however, until he showed me his will and testament. It was labeled "Cleared for departure."
 

My kind of CRM (Cockpit Resource Management) ^_^

Is that Bill Clinton in the pilot's seat? When he was a young man...before all his juices were sucked out.
 

"Interesting" (in the Chinese sense) traffic call overheard on an LA Center frequency:

"Tango twin Cessna 49Q, traffic 12 o'clock, less than a block...
If you can still read me it's no longer a factor."

Reminded me of my favorite reply to a pointout when I was a controller, "Lovely deal, no thanks!"

Here's a classic, probably based on a true incident. An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in Denver for being smart and funny, while making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.

* * * *

A crowded United Airlines flight was canceled. A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the podium. He slapped his ticket on the counter and said "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS."

The agent replied, "I am sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."

The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"

Without hesitating, the agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone, "May I have your attention please" she began, her voice heard clearly throughout the concourse. "We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14."

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore "F*** You!".

Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that too."

A flight attendant was on the red-eye to Manila when a water leak developed in the galley, which eventually soaked the carpet throughout the cabin of the 747.

A very sleepy passenger who had become aware of the dampness asked the attendant, "Has it been raining?"

Keeping a straight face, the attendant replied, "Yes, but we put the top up."

With a sigh of relief, the passenger went back to sleep.
 

AIRCRAFT MAINTENANCE

Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor.

Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints by Qantas pilots and the corrective action recorded by mechanics. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.

(P stands for the Problem the pilots entered in the log and S stands for the Corrective Action taken by the mechanics.)

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto land very rough.
S: Auto land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on backorder.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-fpm descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for!

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windscreen.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing. (note: this was for a piston-engine airplane; the pilot meant the engine was not running smoothly)
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed radar with words.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
 

THE BLONDE'S DELAYED PLANE!

Fifteen minutes into the flight from Kansas City to Toronto, the captain announced, "Ladies and gentlemen, one of our engines has failed. There is nothing to worry about. Our flight will take an hour longer than scheduled, but we still have three engines left."

Thirty minutes later the captain announced, "One more engine has failed and the flight will take an additional two hours. But don't worry ... we can fly just fine on two engines."

An hour later the captain announced, "One more engine has failed and our arrival will be delayed another three hours. But don't worry ... we still have one engine left."

A young blonde passenger turned to the man in the next seat and remarked, "If we lose one more engine, we'll be up here all day!"
 

The new stewardess was summoned to the office of the head of the
training program for a severe reprimand.

"I heard about that episode on your first flight, Miss Larson,"
said the director, glaring over the top of her glasses.

"From now on, whenever a passenger feels faint, I'll thank you to
push his head down between his OWN legs!"...
 

The leggy, long haired blonde columnist lawyer named Anna was wearing a mini-skirt and a low-cut blouse. Around her neck she wore a little airplane charm on a long gold chain.

All night long the joke moderator, a dweebish looking guy named Bob, kept eyeing her. They made eye contact and he came over to her.

Slightly embarrassed as Bob gazed all over her, she held up her airplane charm and said, "Oh, you like my airplane?"

"Actually, ma'am," he smiled mischievously, "I'm kind of fond
of the landing field."

Airplanes

Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"

==============

One day, the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold
short of the runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled
out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-
witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said,

"What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"

Our hero the Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like that and I'll have enough parts for another one."

===============

There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority
landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit
peaked." Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was
number two behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down. "Ah", the
pilot remarked, " the dreaded seven-engine approach".

==================

A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While
attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?"

Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."

=====================

Taxiing down the tarmac, the DC10 abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off.

A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What was the problem?" "The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the flight attendant," and it took us a while to find a new pilot."

====================

"Flight 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 degrees."

"But Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"

"Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"

Bob's last one above reminded me of the sick humor always present at the FAA Academy, where I used to hear this instructor comment whenever a student controller would set up a "loss of separation" in the lab:

"Approach, Tower. Copy special weather. Aluminum showers east of the airport..."

* * * * *

NOTE: Runways are numbered by taking their direction from magnetic north and dividing it to the nearest ten, e.g. 253 deg. yields runway 25. Parallels get L, C, or R added to the number as appropriate.

ANOTHER NOTE: America West's (IATA code HP) radio callsign is "Cactus."

Overheard some years ago at LAS while returning from yet another successful Grand Canyon tour mission in the Barf Bag Bomber:

HP870: Las Vegas Approach, Cactus 870 with you level 10 thousand for the ILS 25 Right, information Bravo, we'd like to keep the speed up to the outer marker.

LAS: Cactus 870, Las Vegas Approach, fly heading 250, vectors to the ILS 25 Right, say your airspeed.

HP870: Cactus 870, 250 knots.

LAS: Cactus 870, unable the speed request, reduce to 180.

HP870: Approach, we'd like to keep the speed up to the outer if we can.

LAS: Cactus 870, sir the number is 180. Make it either your airspeed or your heading.

Pilot: "Pilot to tower...pilot to tower...we're four hundred miles
from land, eight hundred feet high and running out of fuel...please
instruct...over."

Tower: "Tower to pilot...tower to pilot... repeat after me..."Our
Father, who art in heaven."

 

The Ten Commandments of Air Traffic Control

I. Pity the poor controller, for his troubles are many and the transgressions against him number into the thousands, yea even unto millions.

II. Therefore, show thy mercy unto him for he is sorely tired. He acteth as guardian angel to poor misguided birdmen--and in return receiveth harsh words, unkind looks, and hath all kinds of evil happenings bestowed upon him.

III. His every act is guided by the manual called ATC 7110.65 and should he transgress therefrom, even to the extent of LO, one misapplied portion of phraseology, all hands will revile him and make light of his powers.

IV. Therefore I say unto you, honor the poor controller.

V. Speak to him with a voice of honey. Use him as a brother lest he becometh excited, loseth his wits, and giveth thee a right turnout when a left turn befitteth the occasion. For lo, he loveth a calm and courteous pilot above all things.

VI. Should conditions surrounding thee be that which is called IFR, ask him not for VFR takeoff, for should he allow it he will find himself in sore trouble with the entity known as FAA, and the law of the land adjudgeth harsh penalties upon these happenings.

VII. When the controller sayeth unto you with a voice of urgency "Hold!" holdest thou with the greatest expediency and without argument lest this be the last time that thou holdest.

VIII. Should the voice from the air, which is the controller's clear thee for takeoff, go thou like the wind for perchance there be a machine of flight on a short base which planneth to use the very surface upon which thou setteth in a very short while, yea even unto seconds.

IX. When thou hearest the words from the little black box saying "unable to approve account of traffic," beseech thou him not from thy lofty position to change his decision for lo, had not the traffic been there the words would not have been spoken, for he hath the eye of an eagle, and his view of the traffic pattern is unrestricted.

X. Turn from thy appointed way hurriedly when instructed by him, lest thou find thy propeller making merry with thy fellow birdman's empennage, for the controller seeth things which thou cannot, yea, even in thy wildest dreams.

IF AIRLINES SOLD PAINT

Customer: Hi. How much is your paint?

Clerk: Well, sir, that all depends on quite a lot of things.

Customer: Can you give me a guess? Is there an average price?

Clerk: Our lowest price is $12 a gallon, and we have 60 different prices up to $200 a gallon.

Customer: What's the difference in the paint?

Clerk: Oh, there isn't any difference; it's all the same paint.

Customer: Well, then I'd like some of that $12 paint.

Clerk: When do you intend to use the paint?

Customer: I want to paint tomorrow. It's my day off.

Clerk: Sir, the paint for tomorrow is the $200 paint.

Customer: When would I have to paint to get the $12 paint?

Clerk: You would have to start very late at night in about 3 weeks. But you will have to agree to start painting before Friday of that week and continue painting until at least Sunday.

Customer: You've got to be fucking kidding!

Clerk: I'll check and see if we have any paint available.

Customer: You have shelves FULL of paint! I can see it!

Clerk: But it doesn't mean that we have paint available. We sell only a certain number of gallons on any given weekend, and by the way, the price per gallon just went to $16. We don't have any more $12 paint.

Customer: The price went up as we were talking?

Clerk: Yes, sir. We change the prices and rules hundreds of times a day, and since you haven't actually walked out of the store with your paint yet, we just decided to change. I suggest you purchase your paint as soon as possible. How many gallons do you want?

Customer: Well,maybe five gallons.Make that six,so I'll have enough.

Clerk: Oh no, sir, you can't do that. If you buy paint and don't use it, there are penalties and possible confiscation of the paint you already have.

Customer: WHAT?

Clerk: We can sell enough paint to do your kitchen, bathroom, hall and north bedroom, but if you stop painting before you do the bedroom, you will lose yourremaining gallons of paint.

Customer: What does it matter whether I use all the paint? I already paid you for it!

Clerk: We make plans based upon the idea that all our paint is used; every drop. If you don't, it causes us all sorts of problems.

Customer: This is crazy!! I suppose something terrible happens if I don't keep painting until after Saturday night!

Clerk: Oh yes! Every gallon you bought automatically becomes the $200 paint.

Customer:But what are all these,"Paint on sale from $10 a liter" signs?

Clerk: Well that's for our budget paint. It only comes in half gallons. One $5half-gallon will do half a room. The second half-gallon to complete the room is $20. None of the cans have labels, some are empty and there are no refunds, even on the empty cans.
Customer: To heck with this! I'll buy what I need somewhere else!

Clerk: I don't think so, sir. You may be able to buy paint for your bathroom and bedrooms, and your kitchen and dining room from someone else, but you won't be able to paint your connecting hall and stairway from anyone but us. And I should point out, sir, that if you paint in only one direction, it will be $300 a gallon.

Customer: I thought your most expensive paint was $200!

Clerk: That's if you paint around the room to the point at which you
started. A hallway is different.

Customer: And if I buy $200 paint for the hall, but only paint in one
direction, you'll confiscate the remaining paint.

Clerk: No, we'll charge you an extra use fee plus the difference on your next gallon of paint. But I believe you're getting it now, sir.

Customer: You're insane!

Clerk: Thanks for shopping and painting with United Airlines Paint Division.
 

True Airline Story

At Chicago's Ohare Field, a long line of aircraft waited their turn to take off. Suddenly their radios came alive with the following announcement from the control tower: "Attention all aircraft, there will be a 45 minute delay in take offs. All aircraft hold until further notice".

After which a mic was keyed up and "Bullshit"! went out over the
airwaves.

This was immediately responded to by the tower chief: "Using profanity on the radio is a violation and I want the aircraft this
transmission came from to identify themselves".

One after another the airliners responded:

American 123-"Negative on the bullshit".

Braniff 401-"Negative on the bullshit".

United 888- "Negative on the bullshit".

and so on down the line.

Another true airline story

It seems this young lady was one of the first black stewardess(as they were called back then)to work for this particular airline.She was assigned to her first flight and after checking in with
the chief stewardess, was told that the Captain on this flight was a notorious bigot and it would be wise for her to be as invisable as possible. Further, it was his edict that immediately after take off one of the "stews" would bring him a cup of coffee.

Seeing an opportunity, the new stew insisted that she be the one. After much argument, the chief stewardess gave in.

The aircraft took off and the new stew marched right into the cockpit and tapped the captain on the shoulder.

When he looked around and saw her, his jaw dropped and she gave him a sweet smile and asked:

"What'll it be captain. Coffee, tea or watermelon"?

The story goes that the captain cracked up with laughter and they became great friends.

Who says that a good joke won't defuse a tense situation?

Advantages of being an airline pilot:

• Great pay
  
• Lots of time off
  
• All the stew you can eat
  

Q: How do you know if there is a fighter pilot at your party?

A: He'll tell you.

Q: What's the difference between God and fighter pilots?

A: God doesn't think He's a fighter pilot.

Q: What's the difference between a fighter pilot and a jet engine?

A: A jet engine stops whining when the plane shuts down.
 

On a recent CO flight, CEO Gordon Bethune had pre-boarded the aircraft
and was sitting on the flight deck chatting with the Captain and First
Officer.

He left the flight deck just before pushback to take his assigned
First Class seat.

A OnePass Platinum Elite member boarded just before the flight pushed,and was furious that he had not been upgraded.Seeing several First Class seats open, he began to argue with the flight attendant over why he had not been upgraded.

The flight attendant said she would get a gate agent to look into the matter, but the Elite member began swearing at her profusely.

Gordon was on his way back from the cockpit when this occurred, and intervened, asking, "Can I help somehow?"

The passenger said, "Huh? Who the fuck are you?"

"I'm the CEO of this company," Gordon replied."May I see your ticket,
sir?"

The passenger gave his ticket to Gordon,who saw a total fare of
just under six hundred dollars.He then pulled out his billfold and peeled off six $100 bills, placing them in the man's hand.And then he tore the ticket up. "Now," Gordon said, "you get the fuck off my airplane!"

The flight attendant could barely contain herself.

COCKPIT DISPUTE

An airplane takes off from the airport. The captain is Jewish and the First Officer is Chinese. It's the first time they've flown together and it's obvious by the silence that they don't get along very well.

After about thirty minutes, the Jewish Captain mutters, "I don't like Chinese."

The First Officer replies, "Oooooh, no rike Chinese? Why dat?"

"You people bombed Pearl Harbor. That's why I don't like Chinese."

"Nooooo, noooo Chinese not bomb Peahl Hahbah. That Japanese, not Chinese."

"Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese... it doesn't matter, they're all alike."

Another thirty minutes of silence. Finally, the First Officern says, "No rike Jew."

"Why not? Why don't you like Jews?"

"Jews sink Titanic."

"The Jews didn't sink the Titanic. It was an iceberg."

"Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, Rosenberg, Spielberg; no mattah ... all same."

 

SOFTWARE ENGINEERS

At a recent software engineering management course in the US, the participants were given an awkward question to answer. "If you had just boarded an airliner and discovered that your team of programmers had been responsible for the flight control software how many of you would disembark immediately?"

Among the ensuing forest of raised hands, only one man sat motionless. When asked what he would do, he replied that he would be quite content to stay onboard.

With his team's software, he said, the plane was unlikely to even taxi as far as the runway, let alone take off.

Martha and Harry went to the fair every year. Every year Harry said to Martha.. I want a ride in the airplane... wouldn't it be so much fun up there in the sky so high!

Every year Martha would reply.. No Harry..it costs ten dollars and ten dollars is ten dollars..

This conversation kept on happenning but one year Harry said to
Martha, "I am 71 years old.. this may be my last chance to ride
in an airplane.."

So martha agreed and the airplane pilot made them a deal.. If you dont talk AT ALL throughout the trip well it wont cost you anything.. but if you talk AT ALL during the trip it will cost you Ten dollars..

So the plane flight came to an end after ten minutes of twists
and turns in the air and dives over the sea...

When the plane landed the pilot said You done very well not to
talk throughout the whole plane trip.

Harry replied.. Well I found it very hard not to talk when martha fell out of the plane!
 

One day, the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold
short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed,
rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee.

Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"

The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back
with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing
like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."

 

Someone asked for a time check on the ground frequency at Dallas-Foat Wuth, but didn't identify himself. Rather than tie up the frequency asking who asked, the controller made a broadcast announcement:

"For the international operators, it's 1515 and one-quarter Zulu.

"For the domestic scheduled operators, it 9:15 Central Standard Time.

"For the air-taxi operators, Mickey's little hand is on the nine and his big hand is on the three.

"For you Braniff pilots, it's Tuesday."

The Cat & Duck Method of Flying Under IFR
(Instrument Flight Rules, a.k.a. I Follow Roads/Rivers/Railroads...)

Here's an alternate method for aircraft control while flying in IMC (Instrument Meteorological Conditions). For reasons that will become apparent, it is recommended for those pilots whose airplanes have large, easily cleaned cabins. Known as the "Cat and Duck Method" of instrument flight, it has received much publicity and is considered to have a great deal of merit by those who have not tried it. No reports have been received from those who did try it, and none are expected. Pilots are invited to assess its merits objectively.

Basic rules for the C&D Method of instrument flight are fairly well known and are extremely simple. Here's how it's done:

Place a live cat on the cockpit floor. Because a cat always remains upright, it can be used in lieu of the needle and ball. Merely watch to see which way the cat leans to determine if a wing is low, and if so, which one. The duck is used for the instrument approach and landing. Because of the fact that any sensible duck will refuse to fly under instrument conditions, it is only necessary to hurl your duck out of the plane and follow it to the ground. There are some limitations you need to be made aware of:

1. Get a wide-awake cat. Most cats do not want to stand up at all. It may be necessary to carry a large dog in the cockpit to keep the cat at attention.

2. Make sure your cat is clean. Dirty cats will spend all their time washing. Trying to follow a washing cat usually results in a tight snap roll followed by an inverted flat spin.

3. Use old cats only. Young cats have nine lives, but old, used-up cats with one life left have just as much to lose as you do and will be more dependable.

4. Beware of cowardly ducks. If the duck discovers that you are using the cat to stay upright, it will refuse to leave without the cat. Ducks are no better in IMC than you are.

5. Be sure that the duck has good eyesight. Nearsighted ducks sometimes fail to realize that they are on the gauges and go flogging off into the nearest hill. Very nearsighted ducks will not realize they have been thrown out and will descend to the ground in a sitting position. This maneuver is difficult to follow in an aircraft.

6. Use land-loving ducks. It is very discouraging to break out and find yourself on final for a rice paddy, particularly if there are duck hunters around. Duck hunters suffer from temporary insanity while sitting in freezing weather in the blinds and will shoot at anything that flies.

7. Choose your duck carefully. It is easy to confuse ducks with geese because many water birds look alike. While they are very competent instrument flyers, geese seldom want to go in the same direction as you. If your duck heads off for Canada or Mexico (or Cape York or Tasmania), you may be sure that you have been given the goose.

While cruising at 40,000 feet, the airplane shuddered and Mr. Benson looked out the window. “Good lord!” he screamed, “One of the engines just blew up!”

Other passengers left their seats and came running over. Suddenly the aircraft was rocked by a second blast as yet another engine exploded on the other side. The passengers were in a panic now, and even the stewardesses couldn't maintain order.

Just then, standing tall and smiling confidently, the pilot strode from the cockpit and assured everyone that there was nothing to worry about. His words and his demeanor made most of the passengers feel better, and they sat down as the pilot calmly walked to the door of the aircraft. There, he grabbed several packages from under the seats and began handing them to the flight attendants. Each crew member attatched the package to their backs.

“Say,” spoke up an alert passenger, “Aren't those parachutes?”

The pilot said they were. The passenger went on, “But I thought you said there was nothing to worry about?”

“There isn't,” replied the pilot as a third engine exploded. “We're going to get help.”
 

In Britain:

A Royal Air Force pilot returned to active duty after getting sex change surgery to become a woman.

There were no problems in the air. But for some reason—after landing—the pilot no longer knew how to parallel park the plane.

 

“If Beethoven had been killed in a plane crash at the age of 22, it would have changed the history of music... and of aviation.”
 

A flight attendant is on the red-eye to Manila when a water leak develops in the galley, which eventually soaks the carpet throughout the aft cabin of the 747. A very sleepy woman who becomes aware of the dampness tugs at the attendant's skirt as she passes by. “Has it been raining?” she asks the flight attendant.

Keeping a straight face, she replies, “Yes, but we put the top up.”

With a sigh of relief, the woman then goes back to sleep.
 

The best joke I know dealing with the word Superman is the true story about Muhammand Ali.

Once he was on an airplane. The flight attendant came and asked him to buckle his seatbelt.

He replied, “Superman don't need no seatbelt.”

She responded, “Superman don't need no plane.”

 

If God wanted us to fly, He would have given us tickets. — Mel Brooks

If God had really intended men to fly, He'd make it easier to get to the airport. — George Winters
 

An elderly doctor and a Presbyterian minister were seated next to each other on the plane.

The plane was delayed at the start due to some technical problems. Just after taking off, the pilot offered his apologies to the passengers and announced that a round of free drinks would be served.

When the charming air-hostess came round with the trolley, the doctor ordered a gin and tonic for himself.

The hostess then asked the minister whether he wanted anything. He replied, “Oh no, thank you. I would rather commit adultery than drink alcohol.”

The elderly doctor promptly handed back his gin and tonic to the air-hostess and said, “Madam, I did not know there was a choice.”

 

The passenger aircraft was fully loaded and in the air after takeoff when the announcement came over the loudspeaker:

“Ladies and gentlemen, we've been working on a fully automatic piloting system for years that doesn't need a flight crew and are proud to announce that it has been perfected.

You are the first passengers to fly controlled by software only with nobody in the cockpit.

We are proud that during all our testing there has never been a mistake, mistake, mistake, mistake, mistake, ...”

 

Bill, Hillary, and Al were in an airplane that crashed. They're up in heaven, and God's sitting on the great white throne. God addresses Al first. “Al, what do you believe in?”

Al replies, “Well, I believe that the combustion engine is evil and that we need to save the world from CFCs and that if any more freon is used, the whole earth will become a greenhouse and we'll all die.”

God thinks for a second and says, “Okay, I can live with that. Come and sit at my left.” God then addresses Bill, “Bill, what do you believe in?”

Bill replies, “Well, I believe in power to the people. I think people should be able to make their own choices about things and that no one should ever be able to tell someone else what to do. I also believe in feeling people's pain.”

God thinks for a second and says, “Okay, that sounds good. Come and sit at my right.” God then address Hillary, “Hillary, what do you believe in?”

“I believe you're in my chair.”
 

Rated PG

Actual in flight quotes:

Rated G Michelle

Rated X Training For The Airline

Rated G

Signs You've Chosen a "No Frills" Airline:

Rated G

Ten Bad Things to Hear on an Airplane

Rated G

Hogtied

Rated PG

Don't be on this flight

Rated PG

Top Things You Don't Want to Overhear Over an Airline P.A. System

Rated G

FLYING

Rated PG

Rated G ...................Sue Bee

Rated PG

The Top 17 Slogans for Hooters Air
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

Rated PG Lorraine

CAJUN AIRLINES:

Rated X

Pierre et Marie

Rated G Sue Bee

Rated G

Rated PG Michele

Rated G

Rated G

The Top Twenty Flight Advertising Slogans

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AVIATION JOKES - Real flight announcements

Rated PG Frank

Rated G Anonymous Author

Rated G Lorraine

Rated G Flight Rules:

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Flying Has Never Been the Same!

Rated G Lorraine

Rated G

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Rated G Baby Blues

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Holy Family in a Plane

RatedG Charlie

Rated G Michele

Rated G

Rated G

Rated g

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Rated G Janine

Rated G

Airline Announcements

Rated G

Rated G

Rated G : Lorraine

Rated G Michele

Rated PG

Rated G Rules of Flying........

Rated G Faye in Kingston

Rated PG

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Rated G Michele

Betty:

Rated G Michele

Rated G Lorraine

Rated G

Heard on the airplane in regard to smoking...

On a Delta commuter flight to Tennessee...

Rated G Lorraine

Rated G

Rated G Lorraine

Rated G Lorraine

Rated G Michele

Rated G Michele

Rated G

Rated G Michele

Rated G Lorraine

Rated G Michele

Rated PG

Signs you have chosen a "No Frills" airline:

Rated G Michele

Rated G Michele

Rated G "A True Story" George in LA

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Rated G

The pastor of our church began his sermon with this story:

Rated G

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DOGS ON PLANES

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Rated G Michele

These are claimed to be actual announcements made by in-flight
attendants:

Rated R Not sure where to post this but this seems appropriate - Bob

Rated G

Murphy Laws For Frequent Flyers

Rated G B.B.

Rated PG Aviation Quotes

Rated G

Rated G Marlene

Rated G Michele

Ten Things You *Don't* Want to Overhear Over an Airline P.A. System....

Rated G Judy in Mississippi

Rated G True Story

The Blind Man

Rated G Sue Bee

Rated G Lorraine

Rated G

Rated G Michele

Rated G Michele

Rated G B.B.

Rated G Michele

Rated G

Rated G

Rated G

Rated XXXX

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