Top 10 Excuses to Cancel a Date
10. Don't know how I forgot this engagement at Buckingham Palace.
9. My cousin really needs my kidney.
8. I'd let you talk to the aliens, but for some reason they can only communicate with me
7. It's a hair thing I know you'll understand.
6. That must have been one of my other personalities.
5. Everything before the accident is blank.
4. I just remembered-I'm married.
3. I know it's last-minute, but I've decided to get a sex change.
2. Sorry, I had you confused with someone attractive.
1. I'm probably not contagious but...
Top Ten Jobs wanted by small children:
1. Fire Truck-the Red kind
2. President
3. Astronaut
4. Vet
5. Explorer(the really famous kind)
6. Boss of the Universe
7. Whatever their Mommy does
8. Whatever their Daddy does
9. Toy tester
10. Anything on TV 
Tope Ten Jobs wanted by teenage boys:
1. Playboy Photographer
2. Pamela Anderson's Boytoy
3. Pro Fotball player
4. Pro Basketball Player
5. Pro Baseball Player(I sense a trend)
6. Pro Hockey Player
7. Rock Star
8. Boss of the Universe-that one doesn't change
9. Anything but what their Dad does
10. Lottery Winner
Top Ten Jobs wanted by Adults:
1. Any
2. yes, any
3. job
4. but
5. the
6. one
7. that
8. they
9. have
10. now!
Top 10 Signs of Job Burn-Out Mark as unread
10. You're so tired, you now answer the phone with "Go to Hell."
9. Your friends call to ask how you've been, and you immediately scream, "Stop asking me all these damn questions!"
8. Your garbage can IS your "In" box.
7. You wake up to discover your house is on fire, but go back to sleep because you just don't care.
6. You consider a 40 hour week a vacation.
5. Visions of the upcoming weekend help you make it through Monday.
4. You don't set your alarm anymore because you know your pager will go off before your alarm does.
3. You leave for a party and instinctively bring your ID badge.
2. Your DayTimer/Work Planner exploded a week ago.
And the number one sign that you are burned out because of work...
1. You think about how relaxing it would be if you were in jail right now.
THE 10 TYPES OF BOYFRIENDS------------------------------
Joe Sensitive - "After I wash the dishes, let's cuddle, OK?" Also known as:Mr. Nice Guy, Family man, Honey, Darling, Soft-boiled Egg, Snugglepup. Advantages: Well-behaved; irons own shirts.Disadvantages: Irritatingly compassionate, wimpy.
Old Man Grumpus - "People are stupid. The world can go to hell. Let's stay home and watch TV."Also known as: Grumbles, Sour puss, Stick-in-the-mud, Old Fogey, Slow Mover, Jerk.Advantages: Stays put; predictable.Disadvantages: Royal pain in the butt.
Flinchy - "I--I'm sorry for whatever it was I did." Also known as: Trembly, Creampuff, Hey you. Advantages: Jumps entertainingly when startled.Disadvantages: Easily spooked, surrenders without a struggle.
Bigfoot - "Shut yer trap, I'm thinkin'."Also known as: Chunk-style, Lummox, Ignoramus, Galoot, the Hulk, Big 'n'Dumb.Advantages: Can tote bales; is easily fooled. Disadvantages: Can break you in half, sweats like a pig.
Lazybones - "Zzzzzz"Also known as: Lucky Dog, Parasite, Bum, Sponge, Snoozebucket, Drug Addict.Advantages: Well rested; easy target. Disadvantages: Unlikely to fulfill your dreams.
The Sneak - "Who, me?"Also known as: Love Pirate, Snake, Rat, Slime, G-D Son of a Bitch.Advantages: May feel pangs of guilt. Disadvantages: May be having time of his life.
Ace of Hearts - "After I wash the dishes let's make love like crazed weasels, OK?"Also known as: The Sizzler, Handyman, Dreamboat, Casanova, Monster.Advantages: Perpetually aroused.Disadvantages: Perpetually aroused.
The Dreamer - "Someday I'm going to be rich and famous. I don't know how,but--"Also known as: Struggling artist, Philosopher, Buffoon, Bag of Wind, Fool.Advantages: Tells good stories.Disadvantages: Will turn into "Old Man Grumpus."
Mr. Right - "While the servants wash the dishes, let's make love like crazed weasels in my new yacht, ok?" Also known as: Mr. Perfect, Jim Dandy.Advantages: Answer to a woman's prayer. Disadvantages: Hunted to extinction.
Mr. Prez Let's do it in the Oval Office. Let's do it in the war room Also known as Slick Willy, the Presidential Erection, The Commander in briefs, The Secret Servicer, The Pocket Veto and The Executive Branch Advantages: Fun games such as swallow the Leader.Think of the book rights and speaking fees I'll never have to do one of those American Express commercials "Who Am I"Disadvantages: Those darn perjury charges
Things you do not want to hear in a public bathroom
10. I love you, you love me, we're a happy family
!9. Aw, no. There goes my glass eye. Little help?
8. (after flush) Darn, I knew it wouldn't fit through the pipe.Now what do I do?
7. (in mens room) Just my luck, another period.
6. Bwahahahaha, let's see you get through this one, Mario!
5. Mmmmm, poo poo good.
4. Uh oh, that's not good. Uh, you might want to leave.
3. Wa-wa go down the hoooole...
2. HEY, HOW DID I GET HERE?
1. Smile! You're on Candid Camra!
Top 10 Signs To Buy A New Car...
10. Your passenger seat is on the National Register of HistoricPlaces.
9. Instead of an air bag, there's a whoopee cushion taped to your steering wheel.
8. You lose the stoplight challenge to a 14-year-old on a moped.
7. The 15 minute JiffyLube needs to keep your car for 3 days.
6. When you gas up, the attendant asks, "Can I re-duct tape that windshield for you?"
5. Thieves repeatedly break in your car just to steal "The Club."
4. While sitting at a stop light, people keep running up to you and asking if anyone was hurt.
3. For the last five years, you've had to settle for making "vroom, vroom" noises while in the driveway.
2. You keep losing dates on left turns.
1. Traffic reporters start referring to you by name when discussing morning tie-ups.
Top Ten Reasons God Created Eve
10. God worried that Adam would always be lost in the garden because men hate to ask for directions.
9. God knew that Adam would one day need someone to hand him the TV remote. (Men don't want to see what's on television, they want to see WHAT
ELSE is on!)
8. God knew that Adam would never buy a new fig leaf when his wore out and would therefore need Eve to get one for him.
7. God knew that Adam would never make a doctor's appointment for himself.
6. God knew that Adam would never remember which night was garbage night.
5. God knew that if the world was to be populated, men would never be able to handle childbearing.
4. As "Keeper of the Garden," Adam would never remember where he put his tools.
3. The scripture account of creation indicates Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden.
2. As the Bible says, "It is not good for man to be alone!"
And the number one reason God created Eve...
1. When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, scratched His head and said, "I can do better than that".
10. Why it's good to have five pairs of black shoes.
9. The difference between cream, ivory, and off-white.
8. Crying can be fun.
7. Fat clothes.
6. A salad, diet drink, and a hot fudge sundae make a balanced
lunch.
5. Discovering a designer dress on the clearance rack can be
considered a peak life experience.
4. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.
3. A good man might be hard to find, but a good hairdresser is
next to impossible.
2. Why a phone call between two women never lasts under ten minutes.
And the number one thing only women understand:
1. Other women!
:screem: 
10 things you will never hear a man say:
1) Let's watch Oprah!
2) Sex is overrated.
3) I want you to come first.
4) Yes, I did notice your sister's breasts are bigger than yours.
5) There is nothing I like better than crawling into bed with a good book.
6) I'm glad I don't have a large penis.
7) My hips are too big.
8) Is ''Mad About You'' on tonight?
9) Does this suit make me look fat?
10) I'll never get tired listening to Celine Dion. :screem: 
Top Ten Times in History..Using the "F" word was appropriate...
"What the **** was that?" Mayor of Hiroshima
"Where did all these ******* indians come from" -Custer
"Any idiot could ****** understand that." Einstein
I"t does so ****** look like her" - Picasso
"How the **** did you work that out?" Pythagorus
"You want WHAT on the ****** ceiling?" Michelangelo
"I don't suppose it's gonna ****** rain." Joan of Arc
"Scattered ******* showers..my ass!" Noah
"I need this parade like I need a ***** hole in my head." JFK
"Aw, Comon, who the **** is going to find out?" Bill Clinton
Top 10 Reasons Sleep Is Better Than Sex
1. You don't feel guilty about doing it alone.
2. No one will start rumors about how much you sleep.
3. You won't complain in the morning about not getting any.
4. You don't have to pay for sleep.
5. You don't need to sleep after sleeping.
6. Sleep can last a good eight hours
7. You can sleep in church.
8. While sleeping, you can have sex with anyone you want.
9. Your teddy bear never complains.
10. It's legal to sleep in any position in all 50 states.
10 reasons why sex is better than School
1. Everbody likes sex and nobody likes school, except for
virgins and only because they haven't had sex yet.
2. Sex sucks, moans, licks, pumps, throbs etc..., school just
sucks.
3. After sex you feel like smoking a cigarette. After school you
feel like smoking something a whole lot stronger.
4. You get disciplined during sex only if you want to.
5. Drinking drives people to sex, whereas school drives people
to drink.
6. Sex releives stress, school is the cause of stress.
7. Nothing beats the "hands on" experience you get with sex.
8. After sex you feel like you have accomplished something.
9. Sex is cheaper. Even if you have to pay for a hooker, it is
still cheaper than paying thousands of dollars in tuition.
10. At least you have a choice whether or not you want to have
sex. At school your teachers screw you regardless!!!
Top Ten Signs NEWT GINGRICH Has Gone Mad with Power
1. Has beaten several Democrats to death with his gavel!
2. Now claiming he invented the Fig Newton
3. Sending bus full of Cub Scouts to conquer Mexico
4. U.S. map on office wall reads "Newt York" and Newt Jersey"
5. Insists Ed Sullivan Theater be kept freezing cold
6. He wrote a new book: "Newt Gingrich's Contract With My Pants"
7. Begins every session of Congress by singing "I Got You Babe" with Sonny Bono
8. Actually thinks he's got as much power as Hillary
9. He's been sportin' one of them Ito beards
10.Two words; The Crown
Top Ten Signs Your Cat Has Learned Your Internet Password
10. Your new ergonomic keyboard has a strange territorial scent to it.
9. Traces of kitty litter in your keyboard.
8. You find you’ve been subscribed to strange newsgroups like: alt. recreational.catnip.
7. Your web browser has a new home page: http://www.feline.com/
6. Your mouse has teeth marks in it ... and a strange aroma of tuna.
5. Hate-mail messages to Apple Corp about their release of “CyberDog.”
4. E-Mail flames from some guy named “Fluffy.”
3. You keep finding new software around your house like "CatinTax" and "WarCat II".
2. On IRC you’re known as the IronMouser.
1. There are little kitty carpal-tunnel braces near the scratching post.
The Top 12 Nudist Pickup Lines:
12 "Hey, is that a roll of quarters in... er, never mind. That's not a pocket, is it?"
11 "Oh, look! Somebody dropped a $20 bill there on the ground in front of you!"
10 "Hey, Tan Lines, new around here?"
9 "Ever seen a guy do no-handed pushups?"
8 "Excuse me, were those Bugle Boy jeans?"
7 "Nice melanoma!"
6 "My other penis is a Porsche."
5 "Damn, you'd look great in a wet T-shirt."
4 "Boy, I'd sure like to get into *YOUR* pants! Figuratively speaking, of course..."
3 "Did you just wake up or are you glad to see me?"
2 "Did I mention that I'm President of the United States?"
1 "I see where Joe Camel gets his good looks!"
10 Things That Piss Me Off
1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time. I know where my watch is buddy, where the fuck is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the bathroom is?
2. The Pillsbury doughboy is way too happy considering he has no dick.
3. People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.
4. When people say, ''Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too. ''Fuck off. What good is a goddamn cake you can't eat? What, should I eat someone else's cake instead?
5. When people say, ''It's always in the last place you look.'' Of course it is. Why the fuck would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?
6. When people say, while watching a movie, ''Did you see that?'' No dicknose, I paid $7.50 to come to the theatre and stare at the ceiling?
7. The radio ad: ''Hi, I'm Jeff Healey from the Jeff Healey Band. Don't drink and drive. I don't.'' Well, I hope you don't drive sober either Mr. Healey. You're blind for God's sake
8. People who ask, ''Can I ask you a question?'' Didn't really give me a choice, didja there buddy?
9. When something is ''new and improved.'' Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it.
10. When a cop pulls you over and then asks if you know how fast you were going? You should know asshole, you fucking pulled me over.
Ten best excuses when you get caught falling asleep on your desk:
10. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."
9. "This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in
that time management course you sent me to."
8. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the White-Out. You probably
got here just in time!"
7. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement
and envisioning a new paradigm."
6. "I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance."
5. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve
work-related stress. Are you discriminatory toward people who
practice Yoga?"
4. "Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a
solution to our biggest problem."
3. "The coffee machine is broken..."
2. "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot..."
And the #1 best thing to say if you get caught sleeping at your
desk...
1. " ... in Jesus' name. Amen."
10. Viagra, it's "Whaazzzzz Up!"
9. Viagra, the quicker pecker upper.
8. Viagra, like a rock!
7. Viagra, when it absolutely, positively has to be there tonight.
6. Viagra, be all that you can be.
5. Viagra, reach out and touch someone
4. Viagra, strong enough for a man, but made for a woman!
3. Viagra, tastes great! More filling!
2. Viagra, we bring good things to life!
And the number one slogan being considered by Viagra:
1. This is your penis... This is your penis on drugs.
Top 10 Dumb Men Jokes
When does a fellow give you the shirt off his back?
When he wants you to do his laundry.
What does "Macho" really mean?
"Men Avoiding Chores at Home and Outside"
Which highway sign is always wrong?
"Men at Work"
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. Every man knows that if he puts off changing the bulb long enough, a woman will take care of it.
What's a man's definition of manners?
Saying "Excuse me" after burping.
Why is dog man's best friend?
It won't tell on him.
What do men consider "female" problems?
The dishwasher and vacuum being broke.
How do you know if a man's happy?
See if he has a beer in one hand and a remote control in the other.
What should you give a man who has everything?
A woman to show him how to work it.
How does a man show he's planning for the future?
He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
TOP 10 SIGNS THAT YOU'VE BOUGHT A CHEAP CAR
10. Your tinted windows are also known as Hefty Garbage Bags.
9. The car reaches its optimum speed when going downhill.
8. The hi-tech stereo system often requires a new needle.
7. The rear-view mirror says, "Objects in Mirror Are Better Than This Piece of Junk."
6. The odometer on the dashboard is not as sophisticated as the everyday abacus.
5. Shadow Traffic warns other drivers what highway you're taking.
4. The sticker on the windshield says, "Batteries not included."
3. You fill up the tank with Unleaded Coals.
2. You can only go to restaurants that offer Valet Pushing.
1. When you pass hitchhikers, they put their thumb down.
Top 10 Reasons: You know you drink too much coffee when...
* Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.
* You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
* You have to watch videos in fast-forward.
* Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
* You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.
* You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.
* Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house.
* Your life's goal IS to "amount to a hill of beans."
* You'd be willing to spend time in a Turkish prison.
* There’s a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
Mad: TOP 10 THINGS YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR DURING SURGERY
10. "Whoops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff?"
9. "I can't read page 47 in this manual with this blood all over it!"
8. "Accept this sacrifice, oh, lord of darkness."
7. "Rex!! Come back with that! Bad dog!"
6. "Wait! If this is his spleen, then what's that?"
5. "Has anyone seen my watch?"
4. "Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy."
3. "That's cool! But can you make his leg twitch?"
2. "This patient has already had children, am I correct?"
1. "Nice work sewing him up. Anyone seen my scalpel?
TEN Signs That A Kid Is A Nerd
10. Likes people that opress him: teachers, parents, principals, police, and authority figures.
9. Is overly enthusiastic about 'Dungeons and Dragons' and other role playing games.
8. Very familiar with mega-hurtz, wears glasses and, can quote scripture.
7. Frequently speaks of martial arts, but still gets beaten up.
6. Says 'Whom' instead of 'Who.'
5. Is pleased when disruptive individuals are sent to the office, so that they can continue with their learning.
4. Prefers NPR to any music.
3. Gets upset when there is a test or quiz that he did not know about.
2. Rooted for Deep-Blue in the famous chess game.
1. Must be pulled off bridge when not accepted at the college of his choice.
10 Things That Piss Me Off
1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time. I know where my watch is buddy, where the fuck is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the bathroom is?
2. The Pillsbury doughboy is way too happy considering he has no dick.
3. People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.
4. When people say, ''Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too. ''Fuck off. What good is a goddamn cake you can't eat? What, should I eat someone else's cake instead?
5. When people say, ''It's always in the last place you look.'' Of course it is. Why the fuck would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?
6. When people say, while watching a movie, ''Did you see that?'' No dicknose, I paid $7.50 to come to the theatre and stare at the ceiling?
7. The radio ad: ''Hi, I'm Jeff Healey from the Jeff Healey Band. Don't drink and drive. I don't.'' Well, I hope you don't drive sober either Mr. Healey. You're blind for God's sake
8. People who ask, ''Can I ask you a question?'' Didn't really give me a choice, didja there buddy?
9. When something is ''new and improved.'' Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it.
10. When a cop pulls you over and then asks if you know how fast you were going? You should know asshole, you fucking pulled me over.
Ski Season-Top 10 Ways to Pretend
This is to remind skiers how to prepare for the ski season and to remind non-skiers why they do not ski.
10. Visit your local butcher and pay $30 to sit in the walk-in freezer for half an hour. Afterwards, burn two $50 dollar bills to warm up.
9. Go to the nearest hockey rink and walk across the ice 20 times in your ski boots carrying two pairs of skis, accessory bag and poles. Pretend you are looking for your car.
8. For ski boot simulation at home, put a pebble in your street shoes and tighten a C-clamp around your toes.
7. Buy a pair of gloves and immediately throw one away.
6. Go to McDonald's and insist on paying $6.50 for a hamburger.Be sure to wait in the longest line.
5. Clip a lift ticket to the zipper of your jacket and ride a motorcycle fast enough to make the ticket lacerate your face.
4. Drive slowly for five hours - anywhere - as long as it's in a snowstorm and you're following an 18 wheeler.
3. Fill a blender with ice, hit the pulse button and let the spray blast your face. You'd almost believe you're skiing in front of a snow maker!
2. Dress up in as many clothes as you can and then proceed to take them off because you have to go to the bathroom.
1. Repeat all of the above every Saturday and Sunday.
Top 10 Dumb Men Jokes
When does a fellow give you the shirt off his back?
When he wants you to do his laundry.
What does "Macho" really mean?
"Men Avoiding Chores at Home and Outside"
Which highway sign is always wrong?
"Men at Work"
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. Every man knows that if he puts off changing the bulb long enough, a woman will take care of it.
What's a man's definition of manners?
Saying "Excuse me" after burping.
Why is dog man's best friend?
It won't tell on him.
What do men consider "female" problems?
The dishwasher and vacuum being broke.
How do you know if a man's happy?
See if he has a beer in one hand and a remote control in the other.
What should you give a man who has everything?
A woman to show him how to work it.
How does a man show he's planning for the future?
He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
The Top Pet Peeves of Pets
~Dog: They keep putting the lid down on the big water bowl.
~Goldfish: Just because I have a three-second memory, they don't think I'll mind eating the same fish flakes... Oh boy! Fish flakes!.
~Goldfish: The wimp-ass knight never comes out of the castle to fight me for dominion over the fish tank. I am lord. So I must continue patrolling!
~Parrot: Tease, tease, tease -- but do those greedy bastards ever really give me a cracker? HELL, no!!
~Dog: Human legs that just tease.
~Cat: Why are these people in my house?
~Dog: What the... HEY!!! Where are my balls?!?!
~Goldfish: "Oh, tap-tap-tap! *There's* a new one!".
~Guppy: Every time that hot Angelfish looks this way, I've got one of those stringy turds hanging
Top 11 Toys Being Discontinued by Mattel
11. Sexual Harassment Citadel Cadet "Action" Figure.
10. Dr. Kevorkian's "Goodnight Grandpa" Kit
9. G.I. Joe with Wet, Hacking Cough
8. Robert Downey Jr. Home Pharmacy
7. Do-it-Yourself Jigsaw Puzzle (jigsaw included)
6. Cabbage Patch Hookers
5. "Li'l" Unabomber" Chemistry Set
4. Barbie, Ken and Ken's Longtime Companion, Matthew
3. Gulp! The Coin-Swallowing Game
2. Adorable Wind-up Monkey w/ Powerful Taste for Human Flesh
1. Tickle Me O.J.
Top 10 Reasons to Work Naked
10. No one ever steals your chair.
9. Gives "bad hair day" a whole new meaning.
8. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work drunk.
7. People stop stealing your pens after they've seen where you keep them.
6. You want to see if it's like the dream.
5. To stop those creepy guys in Marketing from looking down your blouse.
4. "I'd love to chip in, but I left my wallet in my pants."
3. Inventive way to finally meet that special person in Human Resources.
2. Can take advantage of computer monitor radiation to work on your tan.
and (drum roll please) the number one Reason to Go To Work Naked:
1. Your boss is always yelling, "I wanna see your ass in here by 8:00!"
10 Golfer: "Think I'm going to drown myself in the lake."
Caddy: "Think you can keep your head down that long?"
9 Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this
course."
Caddy: "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."
8 Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?"
Caddy: "Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now."
7 Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"
Caddy: "Eventually."
6 Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world."
Caddy: "I don't think so sir. That would be too much of a
coincidence."
5 Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's
too much of a distraction."
Caddy: "It's not a watch - it's a compass."
4 Golfer: "How do you like my game?"
Caddy: "Very good sir, but personally, I prefer golf."
3 Golfer: "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?"
Caddy: "The way you play, sir, it's a sin on any day."
2 Golfer: "This is the worst course I've ever played on."
Caddy: "This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour
ago."
1 Golfer: "That can't be my ball, it's too old."
Caddy: "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir."
Top 10 Signs That A Kid Is A Nerd
10. Likes people that opress him: teachers, parents, principals, police, and authority figures.
9. Is overly enthusiastic about 'Dungeons and Dragons' and other role playing games.
8. Very familiar with mega-hurtz, wears glasses and, can quote scripture.
7. Frequently speaks of martial arts, but still gets beaten up.
6. Says 'Whom' instead of 'Who.'
5. Is pleased when disruptive individuals are sent to the office, so that they can continue with their learning.
4. Prefers NPR to any music.
3. Gets upset when there is a test or quiz that he did not know about.
2. Rooted for Deep-Blue in the famous chess game.
1. Must be pulled off bridge when not accepted at the college of his choice.
Top 10 Man-gina/She-nis Activities
Things a Man Would Do if He Woke up with a Vagina
10. Immediately go shopping for a vibrator
9. Squat over a hand-held mirror for an hour and a half
8. See if he could finally do a split
7. See if it's truly possible to launch a ping-pong ball 20 feet
6. Cross his legs without rearranging his crotch
5. Get picked up in a bar in less than 20 minutes
4. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without sleeping first
3. Go to the gynecologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have it recorded on video
2. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts too
1. Finally find that damn G-Spot
Things a Woman Would Do if She Woke up with a Penis
10. Get ahead faster in the corporate world
9. Get a blowjob
8. Find out what is so fascinating about "beating the meat"
7. Pee standing up
6. Determine WHY you can't hit the bowl consistently
5. Find out what it is like to be on the other end of a surging orgasm
4. Touch/shift herself in public without a thought as to how improper it might seem
3. Jump up and down naked with an erection to see if it feels as funny as it looks
2. Understand the scientific reason for the light refraction that occurs between a man's eyes and the ruler situated next to his member, which causes two inches to be added to the final measurement
1. Repeat #9
Top 10 Reasons Why it Sucks to be a Dick
10. You've got a hole in your head.
9. Your master strangles you all the time.
8. Your head is disproportionate to the rest of your body.
7. You shrink in cold water.
6. You never get a haircut.
5. You always hang around with 2 nuts.
4. Your closest neighbor is an asshole.
3. Your best friend is a pussy.
2. Your scalp gets cut off if you're Jewish.
And the number one reason why it sucks to be a Dick:
1. Everytime you get excited, you throw up.
Top 10 Signs You Have a Hangover
1. You're convinced that chirping birds are Satan's pets.
2. Trying to gain control of the situation, you continue to tell your room to "stay still."
3. Looking at yourself in the mirror induces the same reaction as chugging a glass of fresh paint.
4. You'd rather have a pencil jammed up your nose than be exposed to sunlight.
5. You set aside an entire morning to spend some quality time with your toilet.
6. You replace the traditional praying on your knees with the more feasible praying in a fetal position.
7. The bathroom reminds you of a carnival barker shouting, "Step right up and give it whirl!"
8. All day long your motto is, "Never again."
9. You could purchase a new bike just by recycling the bottles around your bed.
10. Your natural response to "Good morning," is "Shut up!"
10. You've got a hole in your head.
9. Your master strangles you all the time.
8. Your head is disproportionate to the rest of your body.
7. You shrink in cold water.
6. You never get a haircut.
5. You always hang around with two nuts.
4. Your closest neighbor is an asshole.
3. Your best friend is a pussy.
2. Your scalp gets cut off if you're Jewish.
And the number one reason why it sucks to be a dick:
1. Every time you get excited, you throw up.
Top 10 Things Only Women Understand
1. Cats' facial expressions.
2. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors.
3. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds.
4. Fat clothes.
5. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time.
6. The difference between beige, off-white, and eggshell.
7. Cutting your bangs to make them grow.
8. Eyelash curlers.
9. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.
10. Other women.
10 Reasons Not to Live in Connecticut
10) You have to explain to most foreigners that you either live close to New York or Boston
9) Having to live next to New York
8) The two most famous people to come out of Connecticut were a con man who ran a freak show and a man who was the primary cause of the Civil War
7) Because you have no point in being there other than during the fall
6) You can either be a pansy and support the Yankees or a masochist and support the Red Sox
5) You get to be associated primarily with New York and New Jersey
4) You get to hear New Yorkers compliment you for the peace and quiet
3) People from other states think you have a ten foot pole shoved up your ass
2) People from other states are usually right
1) It's Connecticut
10 Ways To Tell You're From New Hampshire
10) You married your cousin's brother's wife
9) Your only belief is “Live Free or Die.”
8) You think Massachusetts should be Taxachusetts (when you are actually paying more).
7) You walk around with cow dung on your shoe.
6) You're depressed because Massachusetts laughs constantly at your state.
5) Your music involves knee slapping, spoon smacking and banjo playing.
4) You travel all the way to Connecticut to gamble.
3) Your barn is bigger than your house
2) You walk around with a “Dumb IQ” card (you actually do).
1) You can't drive on the highways, rotaries, four-way stops, rotaries or anything more complex than a dirt road.
10 Signs That A Kid Is A Nerd
10. Likes people that opress him: teachers, parents, principals, police, and authority figures.
9. Is overly enthusiastic about 'Dungeons and Dragons' and other role playing games.
8. Very familiar with mega-hurtz, wears glasses and, can quote scripture.
7. Frequently speaks of martial arts, but still gets beaten up.
6. Says 'Whom' instead of 'Who.'
5. Is pleased when disruptive individuals are sent to the office, so that they can continue with their learning.
4. Prefers NPR to any music.
3. Gets upset when there is a test or quiz that he did not know about.
2. Rooted for Deep-Blue in the famous chess game.
1. Must be pulled off bridge when not accepted at the college of his choice.
The Worlds Ten Shortest Books
1) Human Rights Advances in China
2) Mike Tyson's Guide to Dating Etiquette
3) "Things I Wouldn't Do for Money" by Dennis Rodman
4) Al Gore: The Wild Years
5) Amelia Earhart's Guide to the Pacific Ocean
6) Dr. Kevorkian's Collection of Motivational Speeches
7) Ethiopian Tips on World Dominance
8) Everything Men Know About Women
9) "To All The Men I've Loved Before" by Ellen DeGeneres
10 The Amish Phone Directory
Top Ten: Questions that Make You Go, "Huh?"
1. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
2. What happens if you get scared to death twice?
3. If the #2 pencil is so popular, why is it still #2?
4. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
5. If you write a book about failure, and it doesn't sell, is it a success?
6. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
7. If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?
8. If Superman is so smart, why does he wear underpants over his trousers?
9. If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
10. Why is it that if someone tells you there are 1 billion stars in the universe, you will believe them, but if someone tells you a wall has wet paint you will have to touch it to be sure?
Top Ten Woman Bashing Lines
Why are there no female astronauts on the moon?
'Cause it doesn't need cleaning yet.
Why does the bride always wear white?
Because it's good for the dishwasher to match the stove and refrigerator.
Why do women fake orgasms?
Because they think men care.
If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong?
Made her chain too long.
How do you annoy your girlfriend during sex?
Phone her.
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it in.
How are fat girls and mopeds alike?
They're both fun to ride until your friends find out.
What are the three fastest means of communication?
1) Internet 2) Telephone 3) Tell a woman
What's the difference between your wife and your job?
After 10 years the job still sucks.
What should you give a woman who has everything?
A man to show her how to work it.
Top Ten Signs You're Burned Out
10. You're so tired you now answer the phone, 'Hell.'
9. Your friends call to ask how you've been, and you immediately scream, 'Get off my back, bitch!'
8. Your garbage can IS your 'in' box.
7. You wake up to discover your bed is on fire, but go back to sleep because you just don't care.
6. You have so much on your mind, you've forgotten how to pee.
5. Visions of the upcoming weekend help you make it through Monday.
4. You sleep more at work than at home.
3. You leave for a party and instinctively bring your ID badge.
2. You blasted your Daily Planner with a .357 Magnum a week ago, but still haven't been able to miss a meeting.
1. You think about how relaxing it would be if you were in jail right now.
Top 10 Signs you are a loser
1. Your dog rather rub up against the wall than have you pet it.
2. All the numbers in your little black book start with "1-900."
3. Due to excessive hazing and ridicule, you decided to drop out of the Origami Club.
4. You were almost involved in a threesome, but your left hand fell asleep.
5. Fantasizing out loud before falling asleep is your idea of "pillow talk."
6. Your personal ad reads: "Seeking Anybody."
7. Next to your name in the phone directory, the phone number is replaced with the phrase "Who cares?"
8. You look forward to the dinner time calls from telemarketers.
9. The last time you were invited to a party, you were grooving to the lyric, "Put your right foot in, take your right foot out."
10. You spent last summer following around the 2000 Bible Belt Trekkie Convention Tour.
Top Ten Things You Should Never Do
10) Your mom.
9) Piss in the wind.
8) Spit straight up.
7) "No, officer, we haven't been drinking..."
6) Swallow.
5) Drop the soap.
4) Eat it if it smells.
3) Get drunk at a gay bar.
2) Play leapfrog with a unicorn.
1) Use Elmers' glue for a lubricant.
Top 10 Things Only Women Understand
Cats' facial expressions.
The need for the same style of shoes in different colors.
Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds.
Fat clothes.
Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time.
The difference between beige, off-white, and eggshell.
Cutting your bangs to make them grow.
Eyelash curlers.
The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.
Other women.
Ten Signs You Have a Hangover
You're convinced that chirping birds are Satan's pets.
Trying to gain control of the situation, you continue to tell your room to "stay still."
Looking at yourself in the mirror induces the same reaction as chugging a glass of fresh paint.
You'd rather have a pencil jammed up your nose than be exposed to sunlight.
You set aside an entire morning to spend some quality time with your toilet.
You replace the traditional praying on your knees with the more feasible praying in a fetal position.
The bathroom reminds you of a carnival barker shouting, "Step right up and give it whirl!"
All day long your motto is, "Never again."
You could purchase a new bike just by recycling the bottles around your bed.
Your natural response to "Good morning," is "Shut up!"
Top Signs Your Co-Worker's Jewish Holiday Wasn't Strictly Observed
10. Sun worshipping appears to be the only thing accomplished that was even remotely religious.
9. Thinks the Torah is something you wear to a frat party.
8. Comes back wearing a "Club Med: The Sea may be Dead, but not the nightlife!" T-shirt.
7. You happen to know there are no High Holy Day services at Santa Anita Racetrack.
6 Doesn't know the difference between Hebrew and homebrew.
5 She's complaining that Kathie Lee isn't really on all Carnival Cruises.
4. Claims he was observing "Chaka Khan."
3. Menorah on his desk displays three sleeves worth of golf balls.
2. Thinks "Rosh Hashanah" is a song by The Knack.
1. Tell tale mouse ears on his new yarmulke.
Top 10 Signs You Were Ripped Off Buying That New Computer
10. You have to pedal it.
9. When you insert a disk, it disappears and a loud "burp" follows.
8. Lower corner of the screen has the words "Etch a Sketch" on it.
7. The manual contains one sentence: "Good Luck!"
6. The only chip inside is a Dorrito.
5. Whenever you turn it on, all the neighborhood dogs begin howling.
4. The monitor is made up of a blackboard and chalk.
3. Instead of a keyboard, it came with a Ouija board.
2. There's a "AA Batteries Not Included" sticker on the front.
And the #1 sign that you were ripped off buying that new computer...
1. The computer mouse came in a cage and has fur.
Top 10 Redneck Computer Tech
10. The monitor is up on blocks.
9. Outgoing faxes have tobacco stains on them.
8. The six front keys have rotted out.
7. The extra RAM slots hace Dodge truck parts stored in them.
6. The numeric keypad only goes up to six.
5. The password is Bubba.
4. There's a gunrack mounted on the CPU.
3. There's a Skoal can in the CD-ROM drive.
2. The keyboard is camouflaged.
AND the number 1 way to tell if a Redneck has been working on your computer is..
1. The mouse is referred to as a critter.
10. In his garage are a 1997 Mazda Protege and a camel.
9. His last name is Schmidt -- the mailbox reads "Schmidt/Omar."
8. You turn on CNN and see your house in green night vision.
7. Has bumper sticker "Al Qaeda members do it in caves."
6. The place reeks of goat.
5. Comes over and asks to borrow a cup of sand.
4. Driveway sign reads "Don't even think about parking here" in Pashtu.
3. Claims the bearded, turbaned guy you saw is a Swedish exchange student.
2. He declared a Jihad against crabgrass.
1. His kitty is wearing a burqa
("Late Show With David Letterman," 1/8/02).
TOP TEN THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY, BUT AT THE OFFICE AREN'T:
10. I need to whip it out by 5.
9. Mind if I use your laptop?
8. Just stick it in my box.
7. If I have to lick one more, I'll gag!
6. I want it on my desk, NOW!!!!!
5. HMMMMMMMMM, I think it's out of fluid!
4. My equipment is so old, it takes forever to finish.
3. It's an entry level position.
2. When do you think you'll be getting off today?
1. It's not fair. I do all the work while he just sits there!!!
TOP TEN THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY, BUT IN LAW AREN'T:
10. Have you looked through her briefs?
9. He is one hard judge!
8. Counselor, let's do it in chambers.
7. Her attorney withdrew at the last minute.
6. Is it a penal offense?
5. Better leave the handcuffs on.
4. For $200 an hour, she better be good!
3. Can you get him to drop his suit?
2. The judge gave her the stiffest one he could.
1. Think you can get me off?
TOP TEN THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY BUT IN GOLF AREN'T:
10. Damn, my shaft is bent.
9. After 18 holes, I can barely walk.
8. You really whacked the hell out of that sucker.
7. Look at the size of his putter.
6. Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more.
5. Mind if I join your threesome?
4. Stand with your back turned and drop it.
3. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip.
2. Nice stroke, but your follow-through leaves a lot to be desired.
1. Hold up! I need to wash my balls
Rated G
Top Ten Signs You Are Fat
10. You order a Godfather's Pizza Family Deal and split it with all your friends--and you have no friends.
9. You have no friends because you ate all of your friends.
8. Oprah Winfrey confronts you about how you stay consistent.
7. You are in the crowd by the Today show window. Al Roker sees you for the first time--and he has a heart attack and dies.
6. You can simultaneously outeat John Madden while beating a champion sumo wrestler.
5. No matter how much you suck in your stomach, you still make John Madden look thin.
4. The American Heart Association wants to talk to you. Right now.
3. "Hey, everyone! It's Jiminy Glick!"
2. At the Macy's Parade you are mistaken for a balloon, you are tied to strings, and you crush three people to death when they try to get you airborne.
1. Whenever you walk in to Burger King, al l the employees give each other high-fives.
TOP 10 COUNTRY & WESTERN SONGS
1. Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth 'Cause I'm Kissing You Goodbye.
2. How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?
3. You Done Tore Out My Heart And Stomped That Sucker Flat.
4. I've Got Tears In My Ears from lyin' On My Back And Cryin' Over You
5. Momma Get A Hammer (There's A Fly On Poppa's Head)
6. You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly.
7. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's From Me.
8. She's Actin' Single and I'm Drinkin' Doubles.
9. I Just Bought A Car From A Guy That Stole My Girl, But The Car Don't Run So I Figure Were Even.
10. I Still Miss You, Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better.
TOP REASONS TO HAVE SEX
1. Scientific tests find that when women make love, they produce double amounts of the hormone estrogen, which make hair shiny and skin smooth.
2. Gentle, relaxed lovemaking reduces your chances of suffering dermatitis, skin rashes and blemishes. The sweat produced cleanses the pores and makes your skin glow.
3. Lovemaking can burn up those calories you piled on during that romantic dinner.
4. Sex is one of the safest sports you can take up. It stretches and tones up just about every muscles in the body. It's more enjoyable than swimming 20 laps and you don't need special sneakers!
5. Sex is an instant cure for mild depression. It releases the body endorphin into the bloodstream, producing a sense of euphoria and leaving you with a feeling of well-being.
6. The more sex you have, the more you will be offered. The sexually active body gives off greater quantities of chemicals called pheromones. These subtle sex perfumes drive the opposite sex crazy!
7. Sex is the safest tranquillizer in the world. It is 10 times more effective than Valium.
8. Kissing each day will keep the dentist away. Kissing encourages saliva to wash food from the teeth and lowers the level of the acid that causes decay, preventing plaque build-up.
9. Sex actually relieves headaches. A lovemaking session can release the tension that restrict blood vessels in the brain.
10. A lot of lovemaking can unblock a stuffy nose. Sex is a national antihistamine. It can help combat asthma and hay fever.
Top 10 ways to tell if a redneck has been working on your computer...
10. The monitor is up on blocks.
9. Outgoing faxes have tobacco stains on them.
8. The six front keys have rotted out.
7. The extra RAM slots have Dodge truck parts stored in them.
6. The numeric keypad only goes up to six.
5. The password is "Bubba".
4. There's a gun rack mounted on the CPU.
3. There's a Skoal can in the CD-ROM drive.
2. The keyboard is camouflaged.
AND the number 1 way to tell if a Redneck has been working on a computer is...
1. The mouse is referred to as a "critter".
Top Ten Lines From Internet Chat Rooms
1 You're different.....I've never felt like this about someone I've never met before.
2 I'm new online and haven't had time to create a profile...but tell me more about yourself.
3 I never do Cybersex! Yet here in this room alone with you, well, I'm getting excited
4 I'm 5'4, blonde hair, blue eyes and everyone loves my body!
5 I'm 6'0, great tan, and buffed from working out.
6 Yes of course I'm female...............
7 I'm in this private room consoling a depressed friend.
8 No this is my only screen name....You mean you can have more than one?
9 I'm not like most of the guy's/gal's here, I want to meet so we can just have coffee and get to know each other. (at the hotel coffee shop)
10 I don't care what you look like, it's what's on the inside that counts (Which is true,it means:I'm horny and could care less,just type)
Top Ten Signs Your Amish Teen Is In Trouble
10. Sometimes stays in bed till after 6am.
9. In his sock drawer, you find pictures of women without bonnets.
8. Shows up at barn raisings in full "Kiss" makeup.
7. When you criticize him, he yells, "Thou suck!"
6. His name is Jebediah, but he goes by "Jeb Daddy."
5. Defiantly says, "If I had a radio, I'd listen to rap!"
4. You come upon his secret stash of colorful socks.
3. Uses slang expression: "Talk to the hand, cause the beard ain't listening."
2. Was recently pulled over for "driving under the influence of cottage cheese."
..and the number one sign your Amish teen is in trouble...
1. He's wearing his big black hat backwards!
From JJ in California - (and he likes No. 3 )TOP 10 WAYS TO TELL SOMEONE THEIR ZIPPER IS UNZIPPED:
By David Letterman ....
10. The cucumber has left the salad.
9. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells.
8. You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.
7. Paging Mr. Johnson...Paging Mr. Johnson.
6. Elvis has left the building.
5. The Buick is not all the way in the garage
4. Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction.
3. You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.
2. Men may be From Mars .. but I can see something that rhymes with Venus.
And the #1 Way to tell someone their zipper is unzipped .....
1. You've got your fly set for "Monica" instead of "Hillary".
"The Top 10 Things People Think About While Singing a Hymn"
10. The pot roast.
9. What does pastor wear under robes?
8. Will the person behind me ever hit the right note?
7. 90 minutes till kickoff.
6. Did I turn off the curling iron?
5. The likelihood of the ceiling fan falling and hitting me on the head.
4. How many people have lost more hair than I have?
3. How would the hymn sound if Metallica played it?
2. Are there doughnuts at fellowship?
1. How many more verses?
Excerpted from Chapter 8 of Holy Humor Page 130.
TOP 10 THINGS ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND
10. Why it's good to have five pairs of black shoes.
9. The difference between cream, ivory, and off-white.
8. Crying can be fun.
7. FAT CLOTHES.
6. A salad, diet drink, and a hot fudge sundae make a balanced lunch.
5. Why discovering a designer dress on the clearance rack can be considered a peak life experience.
4. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.
3. A good man might be hard to find, but a good hairdresser is next to impossible.
2. Why a phone call between two women never lasts under ten minutes.
AND THE NUMBER ONE THING ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND:
1. OTHER WOMEN!
AlexMurphy's Top 10 Laws Of Computing
1. When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you
meant it to happen.
2. When you get to the point where you really understand
your computer, it's probably obsolete.
3. The first place to look for information is in the
section of the manual where you'd least expect to find it.
4. When the going gets tough, upgrade.
5. For every action, there is an equal and opposite
malfunction.
6. To err is human...to blame your computer for your
mistakes is even more human, its downright natural.
7. He who laughs last, probably has a back-up.
8. The number one cause of computer problems is computer
solutions.
9. A complex system that doesn't work is invariably found
to have evolved from a simpler system that worked just fine.
10. A computer program will always do what you tell it to
do, but rarely what you want it to do.
TOP TEN THINGS YOU NEVER HEAR IN CHURCH...
10. Hey! It's my turn to sit in the front pew.
9. I was so enthralled, I never noticed your sermon went 25 minutes over time.
8. Personally I find witnessing much more enjoyable than golf.
7. I've decided to give our church the $500 a month I used to send to TV evangelists.
6. I volunteer to be the permanent teacher for the Junior High Sunday School class.
5. Forget the denominational minimum salary, let's pay our pastor so he can live like we do.
4. I love it when we sing hymns I've never heard before!
3. Since we're all here, let's start the service early.
2. Pastor, we'd like to send you to this Bible seminar in the Bahamas.
1. Nothing inspires me and strengthens my commitment like our annual stewardship campaign!
P 10 SIGNS YOUR FAMILY IS STRESSED...
10. Conversations often begin with "Put the gun down, and then we can talk".
9. The school principal has your number on speed-dial.
8. The cat is on Valium.
7. People have trouble understanding your kids, because they learned to speak through clenched teeth.
6. You are trying to get your four-year-old to switch to decaffeinated.
5. The number of jobs held down by family members exceeds the number of people in the family.
4. No one has time to wait for microwave TV dinners.
3. "Family meetings" are often mediated by law enforcement officials.
2. You have to check your kid's day-timer to see if he can take out the trash.
1. Maxwell House gives you industrial rates.
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Cats' Top Ten Favorite Christmas Songs:
Lorraine
![[Eek!]](eek.gif)
Sue Bee
Sue Bee
Steve in OKC Sue Bee
Michele
Sue Bee
Michele Uncle Bubba
Michele
Michele
B.B.
: Lulu
Top Moron's Uncle Bubba
Chris
B.B.
David Letterman