70-year old George went for his annual physical and all of his tests came back with normal results. Dr. Smith said, "George, everything looks great physically. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peacewith yourself, and do you have a good relationship with God?"
George replied, "God and me are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so that when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom *poof* the light goes on, when I'm done *poof* the light goes off."
"Wow!" commented Dr. Smith, "That's incredible!"
A little later in the day Dr. Smith called George's wife. "Ethel," he said, "George is doing fine. Physically he's great, but I had to call because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and *poof* the light goes on in the bathroom, and then when he is through *poof* the light goes off?"
>Ethel exclaimed, "Oh, my God! He's peeing in the refrigerator again!"
 

Q: Why were men given larger brains than dogs?
A: so they wouldn't hump women's legs at cocktail parties...

Q: Why do men snore when they lay on their backs?
A: Because their balls fall over their asshole and they vapor lock.

Q: Why do men like masturbation?
A: Because it's sex with someone they love...

Q: Why are men like laxitives?
A: Because they irritate the shit out of you...
 

Mr. Penis hereby requests a raise for the following reasons:

1. Does a hard manual labor.

2. Works in great depths.

3. Works head down.

4. Works in a dark unventilated workplace.

5. Works in conditions of extreme humidity.

6. Works without receiving any legal vacations or Sunday's off.

7. Works in a toxic environment.

8. Works without time off and without extra pay for overtime.

9. Works in high temperature.

10. Exposed to personal diseases in his work place.

The Administration's response: Inspite of the reasons mentioned by Mr. Penis, the management rejects all of employee Dick Penis's requests for the following reasons:

1. Doesn't work 8 hours in a row.

2. Falls asleep in his workplace after a short period of work.

3. Doesn't always meet the workplace requirments.

4. Is not loyal to his workplace.

5. Lacks any education.

6. Retires to pension earlier than normal.

7. Doesn't work on his own, but needs to be pushed from behind.

8. Doesn't leave his workplace clean and neat when done working.
 

A must read for females......................

Why Men Are Proud of Themselves

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds or less.

You know stuff about tanks.

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

You can open all your own jars.

Dry cleaners and hair cutters don't rob you blind.

You can go to the bathroom without a support group.

You don't have to learn to spell a new last name.

You can leave the motel bed unmade.

You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

Wedding dress -- $2,000. Tuxedo rental - 75 bucks.

If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $10 for a three-pack.

If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.

Everything on your face stays its original color.

You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.

Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader iscoming.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking: "He must be mad at me."

Same work...more pay.

Gray hair and wrinkles only add character.

You don't mooch off other's desserts.

You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.

If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong friends.

Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with. "So, notice anything different?"

You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.

You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on abolt.

You almost never have strap problems in public.

You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

You don't have to shave below your neck.

You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.

Your belly usually hides your big hips.

One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.

Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 relatives, on December 24th, in 45 minutes.
 

Q. Why does a penis have a hole in the end?
A. So men can be open minded.

Q. Three words to ruin a man's ego...
A. "Is it in?"

Q. How does a guy know if he has a high sperm count?
A. If the girl has to chew, before she swallows.

Q. How can you tell when an auto mechanic just had sex?
A. One of his fingers is clean.

Q. What's the biggest fish in the world?
A. A whore, if you catch one you can eat her for months.

Q. What's the difference between parsley and pussy?
A. Nobody eats parsley. Rated R Men

 
More Q & A

Q. Why does a penis have a hole in the end?
A. So men can be open minded.

Q. Three words to ruin a man's ego...
A. "Is it in?"

Q. How does a guy know if he has a high sperm count?
A. If the girl has to chew, before she swallows.

Q. How can you tell when an auto mechanic just had sex?
A. One of his fingers is clean.

Q. What's the biggest fish in the world?
A. A whore, if you catch one you can eat her for months.

Q. What's the difference between parsley and pussy?
A. Nobody eats parsley.
 

You Know Your Getting Older When... Mark as unread

- You and your teeth don't sleep together.

- Your try to straighten out the wrinkles in your socks and discover you aren't wearing any.

- At the breakfast table you hear snap, crackle, pop and you're not eating cereal.

- Your back goes out, but you stay home.

- You wake up looking like your driver's license picture.

- It takes two tries to get up from the couch.

- Happy hour is a nap.

- You're on vacation, and your energy runs ou before your money does.

- You say something to your kids that your mother said to you, and you always hated it.

- You look for your glasses for half an hour, and they were on your head the whole time.

- You sink your teeth into a steak - and they stay there.

- All you want for your birthday is to not be reminded of your age.

- Your idea of weight lifting is standing up.

- It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.

- Your memory is shorter and your complaining lasts longer.

- Your address book has mostly names that start with Dr.

- The pharmacist has become your new best friend.

- Getting "lucky" means you found your car in the parking lot.

- It takes twice as long - to look half as good.

- Everything hurts, and what doesn't hurt - doesn't work.

- You give up all your bad habits and still don't feel good.

- You have more patience, but it is actually that you just don't care anymore.
 

an 80 year old man is having his annual checkup. the doctor asks him how hes feelin'. the old man says" I' ve never been better . I have an 18 year old bride who's pregnent with my child. What do you think about that?!"

The doctor thinks for a moment then says let me tell you a story. I know a guy who's an avid hunter.

He never misses a season.but one day he's in a bit of a hurry and grabs his umbrella instead of his gun.So he's walking in the woods next to a creek and suddenly spots a beaver in the brush ahead of him.

He raises the umbrella ,aims,and squeeses the handle.BAM!!! the beaver falls dead in its tracks.

Thats impossible replies the old man in disbelief. someone elsemust have shot that beaver.

My point exactly!!!
 

"Inside" Jewish Joke

Two alta-cockers (old farts) sittin on a park bench. After several hours one turns to the other and says "oy-veh!". Several more hours go by before the second responds with, "Your tellin me?!"

"OLD" IS WHEN..... Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "Honey, I can't do both!"

"OLD" IS WHEN..... Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... "Getting a little action" means I don't needt to take any fiber today.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... "Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... An "all nighter" means not getting up to pee.   
 

A little boy went up to his father and asked:'Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?

''The father replied:'Well, son, you must have gotten it from your mother, 'cause I still have mine.''   
 

For the Guys     

Why do women have smaller feet than men?
So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.

How do you know when a woman's about to say something smart?
When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."

How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't, there's a clock on the oven!

Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women won't shut up long enough to build up pressure.

Why were shopping carts invented?
To teach women to walk on their hind legs.

Women are like guns, keep one around long enough and you're going to want to shoot it.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog of course...at least he'll shut up after you let him in.

All wives are alike, but they have different faces so you can tell them apart.

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.

What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman that won't do what she's told.

How many women does it take to paint a wall?
It depends on how hard you throw them.

What do you call a woman with two brain cells?
Pregnant.

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.

What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence?
Divorced.

Bigamy is having one wife too many.
Some say monogamy is the same.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%
Wedding cake.

Marriage is a 3 ring circus:Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.   
 

If you think a guy's life is bad compare it to an egg.

You only get laid once.

You only get eaten once.

It takes 4 minutes to get hard.

It takes 2 minutes to get soft.

You have to share a box with eleven other guys.

And the only chick to sit on your face is your mother.   
 

Men's Instinct   

* Men know that Mother Nature's best aphrodisiac is still a naked woman.

* Men know that PMS is Mother Nature's way of telling you to get out of the house.

* Men know that if she looks like your mother, run!

* Men know that there are at least three sides to every story: his, hers,and the truth.

* Men know never to run away from a fight that you know you can win

* Men know that cats are evil and cannot be trusted.

* Men know that how to change the toilet paper, but to do so would ruin the game.

* Men know exactly how much gas is left in the tank and exactly how far that gas will get them.

* Men know that from time to time, it is absolutely necessary to adjust oneself.

* Men know that a woman will wear a low-cut dress and expect men to stare at her cleavage.

* Men also know that the woman will get ticked off when they do, for reasons not totally clear to them.

* Men know that it's never a good idea to tell your father-in-law how good his daughter is in bed.

* Men know that men are from here, and women are from way the hell over there. 
 

DR. SEUSS ON THE GOLDEN YEARS

I cannot see

I cannot pee

I cannot chew

I cannot screw

My memory shrinks

My hearing stinks

No sense of smell

I look like hell

My body's drooping

I have trouble pooping

The Golden Years have come at last

The Golden Years can kiss my ass.
 

A guy gets put in a nursing home by his son.

He doesn't know if he's gonna like it at first but gives it a shot for his son's sake.

His first morning in the home, he wakes up with a tremendous hard-on. Out of nowhere a beautiful nurse appears, huge tits,and an ass to die for, she kneels down, and blows him without saying a word.

The guy gets to a phone and calls his son and says, "Son! I love this place! Thank you so much for putting me in here!"

"Wow,Pop! You sound really happy! What Happened?"

THe old man replies, "You won't believe it! I woke up this morning with a hard-on, and the most beautiful nurse came right in and blew me!didn't say a word, just blew me!"

"Well, that sounds great Dad, Congratulations!"

They exchange goodbyes and hang up.

Later that day, the old man is walking down the with his walker.

He slips, falls, and can't get up. Just then, a big hillbilly orderly runs up, tears down the oldman's pants, fucks him up the ass, and leaves him lying there in a heap.

The man crawls to a phone, and calls his son, and says, "Son, you gotta get me outta here! This place is nuts!"

"What happened Dad? You sound awful!"

The man then told about his hillbilly orderly ordeal.

"Well, you know, Dad, you got a blow job this morning, you gotta take the good with the bad-"
"
You don't understand son! I only get hard-ons once a month! I fall down 4-5 times a day!"
 

An old man and a young man worked in office next to each other.

The young man had noticed that the older man always seemed to have a jar of peanuts on his desk. The young man LOVED peanuts!

One day while the older man was away from his desk the young man couldn't resist and went to the old man's jar and ate over half the peanuts.

When the old man returned the young man felt guilty and confessed to taking the peanuts.

The old man responded: "That's ok since I lost my teeth all I can do is lick the
chocolate off the M&Ms."
 

There was this old Italian guy who had three sons.

The old guy goes to his first son and asks, "Son, Whata do you like to eat da most of?"

He replies, "O Papa, I lova da spaghetti. But I always seem to get it in my lap."

The father replies, "Oh no son, you taka too biga bite."

So he goes to his second son, "Son, whata do you like to eat the most of." And the son replies, "Oh papa, I lova da raviolli. But I always seem to get it in my lap."

The father again replies, "Oh no son, you taka too biga bite."

Finally he goes to his third son and asks, "Son, whata do you like to eat the most of." He replies, "Oh papa, I lova da pussy." The father replies, "Oh no son, it taste a like shit."

The son goes, "Oh no papa, you taka too biga bite."
 

Three men were in the desert with only one bottle of water left.

They were all very thirsty ,so they deceided to have a dreaming contest.

Whoever had the best dream would get to drink the water , so they all went to
sleep right away.

When they woke up the first man said " I had a dream that I won the lottery!"

The second man said " I had a dream that I was immortal" .

The third said "while you guys were sleeping I drank the water."
 

An old man walks into a health clinic and tells doctor, "You have got to do something to lower my sex drive."

The doctor takes one look at the feeble old man and says, "Now, now, sir, I have got the feeling that your sex drive is all in your head."

"That's what I mean doc," the old man says, "I have got to lower it a little."
 

This old man and old lady met, fell in love, and got married.

Ontheir honeymoon they went to a fancy hotel to do honeymoon stuff. After smooching in their room, The old gentleman said he was going to the bathroom, to get ready for sex.

When he came out, he saw the old girl standing on her head naked, against the wall.

"What the heck are you doing?" He said.

She said, "I thought that at your age, you probably could'nt get it up! so I figured you could just drop it in!"
 

Essence of Being a Man

Q: What is the essence of being a man?

A: The essence of being a man is the satisfaction of not being a woman.
 

Three guys were sitting around the campfire discussing just about evarything. After having quite a bit to drink they started arguing about who is the toughest man among them.

The first guy said, "I was hit by a car going 40 mph and I stood up without a scratch."

The second guy said, "Once a snake attacked and wrapped itself around me. As it tried to swallow me whole I bit its head off."

The third guy said nothing. He just sat there poking the fire with his dick.
 

20 Types You Meet in the Men's Room

1) Excitable -- Shorts half-twisted around, cannot find hole, rips shorts.

2) Sociable -- Joins friends in piss whether he has to or not.

3) Cross-eyed -- Looks into the next urinal to see how the other guy is fixed.

4) Timid -- Cannot piss if someone is watching, flushes urinal, comes back later.

5) Indifferent -- All urinals being used, pisses in sink.

6) Clever -- No hands, fixes tie, looks around, usually pisses on floor.

7) Worried -- Not sure of where he has been lately, makes quick inspection.

8) Frivolous -- Plays stream up, down and across urinal, tries to hit flies and bugs.

9) Absent-Minded -- Opens vest, pulls out tie, pisses in pants.

10) Childish -- Pisses directly in bottom of urinal, likes to see it bubble.

11) Sneaky -- Farts silently while pissing, acts very innocent, knows man in other stall will be blamed.

12) Patient -- Stands very close for a long time, reads with free hand.

13) Desperate -- Waits in long line, teeth floating, pisses in pants.

14) Tough -- Bangs dick on side of urinal to dry.

15) Efficient -- Waits until he has to crap and does both.

16) Fat -- Backs up and takes a blind shot at urinal, pisses in shower.

17) Little -- Stands on box, falls in, drowns.

18) Drunk -- Holds left thumb in right hand, pisses in pants.

19) Disgruntled -- Stands for a while, gives up, walks away.

20) Conceited -- Holds two-inch dick like baseball bat.
 

Most Men Lie

My research has has concluded that 99.9% of men are liars. The following list should help you understand what men really mean. That 1/10 of 1% is me. That's how you know this is the truth.

When He Says: “I have a place at the beach” (he's renting a tent for the weekend)

“I've had several leadership Positions” (in the Cub Scouts)

“My company is thinking of transferring me.” (to the unemployment line)

“I have a position in oil exploration.” (He checks dipsticks at the filling station.)

“My salary is into six figures.” (If you count cents)

“I enjoy the theater.” (Rated XXX)

“I'm in television.” (He fixes them.)

“I'm involved in banking.” (He's a guard.)

“My job keeps me running.” (He's a messenger.)

“I'm self-employed.” (He just got fired.)

“I'm consulting.” (He looking for a job.)

When meeting a Women he says: “Hello” (Let's have sex)

“I want to know all about you.” (In 2 minutes or less)

“How are you” (in the sack.)

“I feel something special for you.” (Lust.)

“Do you have the time” (to go to bed)

“I like to read” (Playboy, Penthouse, & The Joker)

“Let's go out wherever you like” (as long as it's cheap)
 

Top 10 Dumb Men Jokes

When does a fellow give you the shirt off his back?
When he wants you to do his laundry.

What does "Macho" really mean?
"Men Avoiding Chores at Home and Outside"

Which highway sign is always wrong?
"Men at Work"

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. Every man knows that if he puts off changing the bulb long enough, a woman will take care of it.

What's a man's definition of manners?
Saying "Excuse me" after burping.

Why is dog man's best friend?
It won't tell on him.

What do men consider "female" problems?
The dishwasher and vacuum being broke.

How do you know if a man's happy?
See if he has a beer in one hand and a remote control in the other.

What should you give a man who has everything?
A woman to show him how to work it.

How does a man show he's planning for the future?
He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
 

What do a hurricane, a tornado, a fire and a divorce have in common?

They are four ways you can lose your house! 
 

Here is a guide to the point system.

Simple Duties:

You make the bed..+1
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pllows..0
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets..-1
You leave the toilet seat up..-5
You leave the toilet lid down..-10 after the lights are out..-30
You replace the toilet-paper roll when it's empty..0
When the toilet-paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex..-1
When the Kleenex runs out you shuffle slowly to the next bathroom..-2
You go out to buy her spring-fresh extra-light panty liners with wings..+5
But return with beer ..-5
You check out a suspicious noise at night ...0
You check out a suspicious noise and it's nothing..0
You check out a suspicious noise and it's something..+5
You pummel it with a six iron..+10
It's her father..-10

Social Engagements:

You stay by her side the entire party..0
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college drinking buddy..-2
Named Tiffany..-4
Tiffany is a dancer..-6
Tiffany has implants..-8

Her Birthday:

You take her out to dinner..0
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar ......+1
Okay, it is a sports bar..-2
And it's all-you-can-eat night..-3
It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team..-10

A Night Out With The Boys:

Go out with a pal ..-5
And the pal is happily married ..-4
Or frighteningly single ..-7
And he drives a Mustang..-10
With a personalized license plate (GR8 N BED) ..-15

A Night Out:

You take her to a movie..+2
You take her to a movie she likes..+4
You take her to a movie you hate..+6
You take her to a movie you like..-2
It's called DeathCop 3..-3
Which features cyborgs having sex..-9
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans .........-15

Your Physique:

You develop a noticeable potbelly..-15
You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it....+10
You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts ..-30
You say "I don't give a damn because you have one too"...-800

The Big Question:

She asks, "Do I look fat?" ..-5
You hesitate in responding..-10
You reply, "Where?"..-35

Communication:

When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression ..0
When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes..+5
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV..+10
She realizes this is because you've fallen asleep..-20
 

How do men exercise at the beach?

By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.
 

A man was having pain in his penis.

His doctor examined him and announced, "you clearly have Mongolian syphilis. We'll have to amputate."

The man was really upset and went to another doctor for a second opinion.

This doctor, too, after examination said, "Yes, you have Mongolian Syphilis. We'll have to amputate."

The man decided he would go to a real expert, a Mongolian doctor. After examination, this doctor too announced, "You have Mongoloian Syphilis."

The man said, "well, the American doctors said I would have to have it amputated."

The Mongolian doctor replied, "Oh, American doctors! All they want to do is cut, cut, cut. Wait three weeks; it'll fall off by itself."
 

Wives eyes

Two guys were discussing having sex with their wives.

Does you wife close her eyes when you have sex with her?

I guess! She just can't stand seeing me having a good time.
 

The Line

Walsh is standing on the sidewalk when he sees a funeral procession coming down the street.

There's a hearse, then a huge german shepherd, then about a hundred men in single file walking behind.

Walsh asks the guy in front, Who died?"

The guy says, "My ex-wife."

Walsh says, "How?"

The guy points and says, "That dog... my dog.. ate her."

Walsh says, "Hey, I'd sure like to borrow your dog someday."

They guy says, "Get in line." Rated G

The Line

Walsh is standing on the sidewalk when he sees a funeral procession coming down the street.

There's a hearse, then a huge german shepherd, then about a hundred men in single file walking behind.

Walsh asks the guy in front, Who died?"

The guy says, "My ex-wife."

Walsh says, "How?"

The guy points and says, "That dog... my dog.. ate her."

Walsh says, "Hey, I'd sure like to borrow your dog someday."

They guy says, "Get in line."
 

I was sitting on my comfy chair watching a baseball game on TV, listening to another on the radio, drinking coke and scratching the dog with my foot, and my wife had the nerve to accuse me of doing nothing!
 

An elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and asked the pharmacist for Viagra.

The pharmacist said "That's no problem. How many do you want?"

The man replied, "Just a few, maybe a half dozen, but can you cut each one

into four pieces."

The pharmacist said, "That's too small a dose. That won't get you through sex."

The gentleman said, "Oh, that's all right. I'm past eighty years old, and I don't even think about sex anymore. I just want it to stick out far enough so I don't pee on my shoes."

 

Over drinks one evening two gentleman were having a discussion about the charms, or lack there-of of the supermodel Stephanie Seymour:

"I say she's highly over-rated," said one "Take away her eyes, her lips, her legs and that figure, and what have ya got ?

"My wife" said the other with a heavy sigh.

 

Episode of a Ninety Year Old Bar-Hopper

A ninety year old man lived in a rest home and got a weekend pass.

He stopped in his favorite bar and sat at the end and ordered a drink.

He noticed a seventy-year old woman at the other end of the bar, and he told the bartender to buy the lovely young lady a drink.

As evening progressed, the old man joined the lady and they went to her apartment, where they proceeded to get it on.

Four days later, the old man noticed that he was developing a drip, and he headed for the rest home doctor.

After careful examination, the doctor asked the old man if he had engaged in sex recently.

The old man said, "Sure!"

The doctor asked if he could remember who the woman was and where she lived.

"Sure, why?"

"Well you'd better get over there, you're about to cum!"
 

An elderly gentleman came home one night to find a homeless girl of about eighteen ransacking the place.

He grabbed her by the arm and was just about to call the police when the girl dropped down on her knees and pleaded, "Please don't call the police, mister, oh please!! If you don't, I'll let you make love to me and do whatever you want with my body!"

The old man thought for a moment and decided to give in. Soon they were naked and in bed together. The old man tried and tried harder, but finally, he rolls over, exhausted, and embarrassed.

"I'm sorry, young lady...but it's no use," he gasped... "I'm afraid I'm going to have to call the police after all."
 

Shooting the breeze down at the Veteran's hospital, a trio of old timers ran out of tales of their own heroic exploits and started bragging about their ancestors.

"My great grandfather, at age 13," one declared proudly, "was a drummer boy at Shiloh."

"Mine," boast another, "went down with custer at the Battle of Little Big Horn."

"I'm the only soldier in my family," confessed vet number three, "but if my great grandfather was living today he'd be the most famous man in the world."

"What'd he do?" his friends wanted to know.

"Nothing much. But he would be a hundred 165 years old."
 

A man goes into a supermarket and buys a tube of toothpaste, a bottle of Pepsi, a bag of tortilla chips, and a frozen pizza.

The cute girl at the register looks at him and says, "Single, huh?"

Sarcastically the guy sneers, "How'd you guess?"

She replies, "Because you're fucking ugly."
 

With all of the products advertised for feminine hygiene, I recently saw an ad for a male hygiene deodorant spray that is being brought to market.

The name of the product is “Umpire”.

...It's for foul balls.
 

A recent survey was conducted to discover why men get out of bed in the middle of the night.

5% said it was to get a glass of water.

12% said it was to go the toilet.

83% said it was to go home..
 

"Men read maps better than women because only men can understand the concept of an inch equaling a hundred miles."

A man gets seriously lost on a hunting trip.

Finally he runs into another hunter.

"Boy an I glad to see you," he cries, "I've been lost in the cold and wet for two days!"

"Don't get too excited, good buddy," says the other hunter, "I've been lost for two weeks."
 

•Why are men such jerks?

It's a testosterone thing. Much similar to your PMS thing, we men suffer from testosterone poisoning. Why do you think the average lifespan of a male is typically 10 years shorter (and it's not just from all the bitching and nagging we have to endure)? Hormone modifies behavior. We're just misunderstood.

•Why do men always have to ogle at other women?

Again, this is a testosterone thing. Do you honestly think that all the testosterone just fell out of our bodies the moment we met you? Besides, women do it as well. Women are just much better at not getting caught. I'm fairly certain it's some sort of photographic memory deal. Women take one quick look and memorize for later reference. Since men lack this ability, we try to burn it into our memory by staring as much as we can.

•Why do men always touch themselves, especially in public?

We occasionally need to adjust our little friend and make him happy. It's much like adjusting your bra. Being in public is just an added bonus.

•Why are men so obsessed with beautiful women?

As opposed to what? Really ugly women? Face it, if men were obsessed with ugly women, there would be just as much bitching about why men are so obsessed with ugly women. No matter how you set this up, some people are always going to be left out. I don’t see anyone screaming about equal treatment for the stupid people either.

•Why do men only have one thing on their minds?

While technically correct, this statement is not strictly true. We may only be able to entertain one idea at a time, but we do think of lots of other things besides sex, such as sports and beer. We also get hungry quite often.
 

You've all heard that behind every great man is a woman, but you may not have heard that behind every great woman is some guy staring at her ass.
 

Two wrongs don't make a right, but three lefts do

A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.
 

A man brings his wife a glass of water and two aspirins.

She looks surprised and says, I don't have a headache!"

He says, "Aha!"
 

Short Jokes

On the beach, how can you recognize a guy who uses an inflatable sex doll?

Instead of staring at the bikinis, he's staring at the beach balls.

Mixed Emotions -

Watching your mother-in-law drive over a cliff in your brand new BMW.

"She's the kind of girl you'd like to bring home to mother -

If you could trust your father."
 

Buying Gifts for Men

Rule #1:
When in doubt - buy him a cordless drill. It does not matter if he already has one. I have a friend who owns 17 and he has yet to complain. As a man, you can never have too many cordless drills. No one knows why.

Rule #2:
If you cannot afford a cordless drill, buy him anything with the word ratchet or socket in it. Men love saying those two words. "Hey George, can I borrow your ratchet?" "OK. By-the-way, are you through with my 3/8-inch socket yet?" Again, no one knows why.

Rule #3:
If you are really, really broke, buy him anything for his car. A 99-cent ice scraper, a small bottle of de-icer or something to hang from his rear view mirror. Men love gifts for their cars. No one knows why.

Rule #4:
Do not buy men socks. Do not buy men ties. And never buy men bathrobes. I was told that if God had wanted men to wear bathrobes, he wouldn't have invented Jockey shorts.

Rule #5:
You can buy men new remote controls to replace the ones they have worn out. If you have a lot of money buy your man a big-screen TV with the little picture in the corner. Watch him go wild as he flips, and flips, and flips.

Rule #6:
Buy men label makers. Almost as good as cordless drills. Within a couple of weeks there will be labels absolutely everywhere. "Socks" "Shorts" "Cups" "Saucers" "Door" "Lock" "Sink"... You get the idea. No one knows why.

Rule #7:
Never buy a man anything that says "some assembly required" on the box. It will ruin his Special Day and he will always have parts left over. No one knows why.

Rule #8:
Men enjoy danger. That's why they never cook - but they will barbecue. Get him a monster barbecue with a 100-pound propane tank. Tell him the gas line leaks. "Oh the thrill! The challenge! Who wants a hamburger?"

Rule #9:
Tickets to a football game are a smart gift. However, he will not appreciate tickets to "A Retrospective of 19th Century Quilts." Everyone knows why.

Rule #10:
Men love chainsaws. Never, ever, buy a man you love a chainsaw. If you don't know why - please refer to Rule #8 and what happens when he gets a label maker.

Rule #11:
It's hard to beat a really good wheelbarrow or an aluminum extension ladder. Never buy a real man a step ladder. It must be an extension ladder. No one knows why.

Rule #12:
Rope. Men love rope. It takes them back to their cowboy origins, or at least The Boy Scouts. Nothing says love like a hundred feet of 3/8" manila rope. No one knows why.
 

One afternoon, a man was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road side.

He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. "Why are you eating grass?", he asked one man.

"We don't have any money for food.", The poor man replied.

"Oh, come along with me then."

"But sir, I have a wife with two children!"

"Bring them along! And you, come with us too!", he said to the other man.

"But sir, I have a wife with six children!" the second man answered.

"Bring them as well!"

They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limo.

Once underway, one of the poor fellows says "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The rich man replied "No, you don't understand, the grass at my home is about three feet tall!"
 

Sign of Improvement

Two men are talking over the telephone...

“Ever since we got married, my wife has tried to change me.

She got me to stop drinking, smoking and running around until all hours of the night.
She taught me how to dress well, enjoy the fine arts, gourmet cooking, classical music, even how to invest in the stock market.”

“Sounds like you may be bitter because she changed you so drastically,” remarked his friend.

“I’m not bitter. Now that I’m so improved, she just isn’t good enough for me.”
 

A man decides to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the result.

On his way home he pops into the newsagent and buys a paper. Before leaving he says to the newsagent "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"

"About 35" was the reply.

"I'm actually 47 years old" the man says, feeling really happy.

After that he goes into the Fish & Chip shop to celebrate. Before leaving, he asks the same question, to which the reply is "Oh, you look about 29" This makes him feel really good.

While standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman the same question.

She replies "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a mans age. If I put my hand down your trousers and play with your balls for ten minutes I will be able to tell your exact age."

Being as there was nobody around the man thought what the helland let her slip her hand down his trousers.

Ten minutes later the old lady says "You are 47 years old."

Stunned the man says, "That was brilliant. How did you do that?"

The old lady replies, "I was behind you in the Chip shop"
 

A couple of hunters in Texas are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are rolled back in his head. His hunting buddy whips out his cell phone and calls 911.

He gasps to the operator, "I think my friend is dead! What should I do?"

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy and listen to me. I can help. The first thing you have to do is to make sure he's dead."

There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line and he says, "OK, now what?"
 

Guy Rules   

1. Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may belegally killed and eaten by his fellow partygoers.

2. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

3. It is ok for a man to cry under the following circumstances:
a) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse
b) After wrecking your boss' Ferrari
c) When your date is using her teeth

4. Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail afriend out of jail within 12 hours.
5. If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever, unless you actually marry her.

6. The minimum amount of time you have to wait for a guy who'srunning late is 5 minutes. Maximum waiting time is 6 minutes

7. Bitching about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. Gripe at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

8. No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. (In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional.)

9. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

10 You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.

11. It is permissible to quaff a fruity chick drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach.... and it's delivered by a topless supermodel...and it's free.

12. Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

13. If a man's zipper is down, that's his problem---you didn't see nothin'.

14. Women who claim the "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a buffalo wing clean.

15. You must offer heartfelt and public condolences over the death of a girlfriend's cat, even if it was you who secretly set it on fire and threw it into a ceiling fan.

16. If you complement a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.

17. Phrases that may not be uttered to another man while lifting weights:
a) Yeah, Baby, Push it!
b) C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
c) Another set and we can hit the showers!
d) Nice Ass, are you a Sagittarius?

18. Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

19. Never allow a conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone; Hang up if necessary.

20. When a buddy is trying to hook up, you may sabotage him only in a manner that gives you no chance of hooking up either.   

 

Three old men were talking about the best thing that could happen to them at this point in their lives. 

The 80-year-old said, "I'd like nothing better than to have a good pee. I just stand there and it dribbles and hurts, and I have to go over and over again."

The 85-year-old said, "I'd like nothing better than to have a good bowel movement.  I take every kind of laxative I can get my hands on and it's still a  problem."

The 90-year-old man said, "Every morning at 6:00 am sharp I have a good long pee and a half hour later I have a fantastic bowel movement. I'd like nothing better than to wake up beforehand."
 

Two men, who were both a little over weight, were taking a piss beside each other.

One said to the other, "Man, I haven't seen my penis in years!"

The other, replied, "You could always diet."

The first man replied, "Dye it? Hell, what color is it now?!"
 

A man with no arms or legs is on a beach, when three beautiful women come up to him.

The first one say's "Have you ever been hugged?"

He say's no and the woman hugs him.

The second say's "Have you ever been kissed?"

He say's no and the woman kisses him.

The third say's "Have you ever been f****d?"

He say's no and she say's "Well you are now the tides coming in!!!!"
 

Men v Women

Q: What's the worst part of getting a sex change from male to female?
A: When they remove half the brain.'

Q: Did you hear that they discovered that there are female hormones in beer?
A: Yeah, apparently they had 100 guys each drink 10 pints of beer. Over 90% of them started babbling like idiots and ALL of them started driving terribly.

Q: How many men does it take to open a beer?
A: None. It should be opened by the time she brings it to the couch.

Q: Why do women have arms?
A: Have you any idea how long it would take to LICK a bathroom clean?

Q: Why do brides wear white?
A: The dishwasher gotta match the fridge and stove, doesn't it?"
 

At a four-way intersection theres the perfect man, the Easter Bunny, Santa Claus, and the Tooth Fairy, who goes  goes first?
.
..
...
....
.....
....
...
..
.
Nobody, none of them exist!
 

3
4

5
6

7

8
9

10
11

12

13
14

15
16

17
18 The woman always makes the Rules.

The Rules are subject to change at any time without prior notification.

No man can possibly know all the Rules.

If the woman suspects the man knows the Rules, she must immediately change some or  all of the Rules

The woman is never wrong.

If the woman is wrong, it is a misunderstanding, which was a direct result of something the man did or said.

The man must apologise immediately for causing said misunderstanding.

The woman may change her mind at any time.

The man must never change his mind without express written consent of the woman.

The woman has every right to be angry and upset at any time.

The man must remain calm at all times unless the woman wants him to be angry or upset

The woman must, under no circumstances, let the man know whether or
not she wants him to be angry or upset.

The man is expected to mind read at all times.

The man who doesn't abide by the Rules can't take the heat, lacks backbone and is a wimp.

Any attempt to document the Rules could result in bodily harm.

If the woman has PMT, all the Rules are null and void.

The woman is ready when she is ready.

The man must be ready at all times.
 

Why did God make Adam first?

So he could get a word in edgeways!

*********************

What should you do if your washing machine breaks down?

Slap her!!!
 

Why it's Great to be a Man

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

Movie nudity is virtually always female.

A 5 day vacation requires only one suitcase.

You don't have to monitor your friends' sex lives.

Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter.

You can open all your own jars.

Short skirts

Old friends don't give a crap whether you've lost or gained weight.

Dry cleaners and haircutters don't rob you blind.

When clicking through the channels, you don't have to stall at every shot of somebody crying.

All your orgasms are real.

You don't have to lug a bag of useful stuff around everywhere you go.

You can go to the bathroom without a support group.

Your last name stays put.

You can leave the hotel bed unmade.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

Nobody secretly wonders whether you swallow.

Sex means never worrying about your reputation.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.

You don't have to shave below your neck.

None of your co-workers has the power to make you cry.

You don't have to curl up next to a hairy butt every night.

If you're 34 and single, nobody even notices.

You can write your name in the snow.

Everything on your face gets to stay its original color.

Chocolate is just another snack.

You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.

Flowers fix everything.

You can wear a white shirt to a water park.

Three pairs of shoes is more than enough.

You can eat a banana in a hardware store.

Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk into a room.

You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.

You never feel compelled to stop a friend from getting laid.

You can quietly watch a game with you buddy for hours without ever thinking "He must be mad at me".

The world is your urinal.

Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.

One mood, all the time

You never have to drive on to another gas station because this one's just too mankey.

You can sit with you knees apart no matter what you're wearing.

Gray hair and wrinkles only add character.

You don't have to leave the room to make an emergency crotch adjustment.

 

What's the difference between a penis and a bonus?

Your wife will always blow your bonus.
 

A traveller saw a very old man that was also seemingly very happy. The traveller asked the old man, "You're so old, what's your secret to staying so happy?"

The man replied, "Well, I smoke 6 packs a day as well as smoke a pipe. I stay up till 5am every night partying and drinking until I barf. And I'm on lots of drugs and medication."

"So how old ar you?"

The man replied, "25."
 

At the Old Folks Home

One day at the rest home, an old man and woman are talking. Out of nowhere, the woman says, "I can guess your age."
The man doesn't believe her, but tells her to go ahead and try.

"Pull down your pants," she says. He doesn't understand but does it anyway. She inspects his rear end for a few minutes, and then says, "You're 84 years old."

"That's amazing," the man says. "How did you know?"

"You told me yesterday."
 

WHAT WOMEN SAY & REALLY MEAN:

CAN'T WE JUST BE FRIENDS?
There is no way in hell I'm going to let any part of your body touch any part of mine, again.

I JUST NEED SOME SPACE.
... without you in it.

DO I LOOK FAT IN THIS DRESS?
We haven't had a fight in a while.

NO, PIZZA'S FINE.
... you cheap slob!

I JUST DON'T WANT A BOYFRIEND NOW.
I just don't want you as a boyfriend now.

I DON'T KNOW, WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO?
I can't believe you have nothing planned.

COME HERE.
My puppy does this, too.

I LIKE YOU, BUT...
I don't like you.

OF COURSE I LOVE YOU.
... just not in that way.

YOU NEVER LISTEN.
You never listen.

WE'RE MOVING TOO QUICKLY.
I'm not going to sleep with you until I find out if this guy at the gym has a girlfriend.

I'LL BE READY IN A MINUTE.
I'm ready, but I'm going to make you wait because I know you will.

OH, NO, I'LL PAY FOR MYSELF.
I'm just being nice; there's no way I'm going dutch.

OH YES!!! RIGHT THERE!!
Well, near there; I just want to get this over with.

I'M JUST GOING OUT WITH THE GIRLS.
We're gonna get sloppy and make fun of you and your friends.
 

Woman Bashing

Q. How do you annoy your girlfriend during sex?
A. Phone her.

Q. Why do women fake orgasms?
A. Because they think men care.

Q. What is the definition of "making love?"
A. Something a woman does while a guy is screwing her.

Q. What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
A. Slow down and use a lubricant.

Q. What the difference between oral sex and anal sex?
A. Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.

Q. How many sexists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. None, let her cook in the dark.

Q. What's the difference between pre-menstrual and B.S.E.?
A. One's mad cow disease, the other's an agricultural problem.

Q. If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong?
A. Made her chain too long.

Q. How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
A. Marry her.

Q. What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A. A battery has a positive side.

Q. How is a woman like a condom?
A. Both of them spend more time in your wallet that on your dick.

Q. How are tornadoes and marriage alike?
A. They both begin with a lot of blowing and sucking, and in the end you lose your house.

Q. How many men does it take to open a beer?
A. None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.

Q. Why is a laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
A. Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

Q. How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
A. When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me...."

Q. How do you fix a woman's watch?
A. You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

Q. Why do men fart more than women?
A. Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.

Q. If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
A. The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

Q. What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A. A woman that won't do what she's told.

Q. Why does a bride smile when she walks up the aisle?
A. She knows she's given her last blow job.

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months: I don't like to interrupt her.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%. It's called a Wedding Cake.

Marriage is a 3-ring circus: Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring, Suffering.

Our last fight was my fault: My wife asked me "What's on the TV?" I said "Dust".
 

From the Yiddish language:

Alta Cocker (AK) --old fart--old man over dosed with milk of magnesia and who fires blanks!
 

28 Types of people you meet in the "Men's Room".

1. EXCITABLE:
Shorts half twisted around, cannot find hole, rips shorts.

2. SOCIABLE:
Joins friends in piss whether he has to or not.

3. NOSEY:
Looks into next urinal to see how the other guy is fixed.

4. TIMID:
Cannot piss if someone is watching, flushes urinal as if he had
already, comes back later.

5. INDIFFERENT:
All urinals being used, pisses in the sink.

6. CLEVER:
No hands, fixes tie, looks around and usually pisses on the
floor.

7. WORRIED:
Not sure of where he has been lately, makes quick inspection.

8. FRIVOLOUS:
Plays stream up, down and across urinals, tries to hit fly or
bug.

9. ABSENT-MINDED:
Opens vest, pulls out tie, pisses in pants.

10. CHILDISH:
Pisses directly into bottom of urinal, likes to see the bubbles.

11. SNEAKY:
Farts silently while pissing, acts very innocent, knows man in
the next stall will get blamed.

12. PATIENT:
Stands very close for a long time, reads newspaper with free
hand.

13. DESPARATE:
Waits in long line, teeth floating, pisses in pants.

14. TOUGH:
Bangs dick on side of urinal to dry it.

15. EFFICIENT:
Waits until he has to crap, then does both.

16. FAT:
Backs up and takes a blind shot at urinal, pisses in shoes.

17. LITTLE:
Stands on box, falls in, drowns.

18. DRUNK:
Holds left thumb in right hand, pisses in pants.

19. DISGRUNTLED:
Stands for a while, gives up, walks away.

20. CONCEITED:
Holds two inch dick like a baseball bat.

21. IMPATIENT:
Always in a hurry, pisses down back of guy using urinal in front
of him.

22. HUNTER:
Gets out of camper, unzips fly, steps of cliff, never pisses,
but does scare the shit out of himself.

23. WITHDRAWN:
Places feet in urinal, pisses down leg, thus eliminate noise.

24. CROSS-EYED:
Looks into urinal to the left, pisses into one in the center,
flushes one on the right.

25. CURIOUS:
Looks over at neighbor, pisses in neighbor's pocket.

26. COMPETITIVE:
Stands back, and challenges others to distance contest.

27. SHOW OFF:
Stands with back to urinal, and slings tool over shoulder.

28. CONFUSED:
Woman in wrong washroom wondering what's with the funny sinks.
 

Men and women are different in the morning.

The men wake up aroused in the morning. We can't help it. We just wake up and we want you.

And the women are thinking, 'How can he want me the way I look in the morning?'

It's because we can't see you. We have no blood anywhere near our optic nerve.
 

Over drinks one evening two gentleman were having a discussion about the charms, or lack there-of of the supermodel Stephanie Seymour:

"I say she's highly over-rated," said one "Take away her eyes, her lips, her legs and that figure, and what have ya got ?

"My wife" said the other with a heavy sigh.
 

The Penis Poem

My nookie days are over,
My pilot light is out,
What used to be my sex appeal,
Is now my water spout.

Time was when, on its own accord,
From my trousers it would spring,
But now I've got a full-time job,
To find the blasted thing.

It used to be embarrassing,
The way it would behave,
For every single morning,
It would stand and watch me shave.

Now as old age approaches,
It sure gives me the blues,
to see it hang its little head,
And watch me tie my shoes.

Manliness Assessment

1. In the company of females, intercourse should be referred to
as:

a) lovemaking
b) screwing
c) the pigskin bus pulling into tuna town

2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after
you've both shared:

a) your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship
b) your blood-test results
c) five tequila slammers

3. You time your orgasm so that:

a) your partner climaxes first
b) you both climax simultaneously
c) you don't miss SportsCenter

4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:

a) healthy, creative love-play
b) not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would ever agreeto
c) not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend need ever find out
about

5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex
with is:

a) the best part of the experience
b) the second best part of the experience
c) $100 extra

6. Your girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in the last
month. You tell her that it is:

a) No concern of yours
b) not a problem, she can join your gym
c) a conservative estimate

7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is:

a) a myth
b) an oxymoron
c) a moron

8. Foreplay is to sex as:

a) appetizer is to entree
b) primer is to paint
c) a line is to an amusement park ride

9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself
saying at the end of a relationship?

a) "I hope we can still be friends."
b) "I'm not in right now, please leave a message at the beep."
c) "Welcome to Dumpsville; population, YOU."

10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:

a) probably needs a little more time before she can cope with
that sort of intimacy
b) is uptight and a waste of time
c) shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place

Evaluating the results:

If you answered "a" more than 7 times, check your pants to make
sure you really are a man.

If you answered "b" more than 7 times, check into therapy,you're
a little confused.

If you answered "c" more than 7 times, "You DA MAN!"
 

With all of the products advertised for feminine hygiene, I recently saw an ad for a male hygiene deodorant spray that is being brought to market.

The name of the product is “Umpire”. ...It's for foul balls.
 

Three guys walk into a motel and find out there is only one room with only one bed.

Since it's the only motel in town, the guys decide to share the bed.

They get to their room, squeeze in, and fall asleep.

The next morning, the guy on the left side of the bed wakes up and says, "I had the craziest dream about getting the best handjob of my life."

The guy on the right side says, "That's incredible - I had the same dream!"

Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "Wow, I had the weirdest dream!"

The other two guys nod their heads in anticipation.

"I was cross-country skiing really, really fast..."
 

What's the difference between worry and panic?

Worry is the 1st time you can't do it a 2nd time!

Panic is the 2nd time you can't do it a 1st time!
 

One night, at the lodge of a hunting club, two new members were being introduced to other members and shown around.

The man leading them around said, "See that old man asleep in the chair by the fireplace? He is our oldest member and can tell you some hunting stories you'll never forget."

They awakened the old man and asked him to tell them a hunting story.

"Well, I remember back in 1944, we went on a lion hunting exposition in Africa. We were on foot and hunted for three days without seeing a thing. On the fourth day, I was so tired I had to rest my feet. I found a fallen tree, so I laid my gun down, propped my head on the tree, and fell asleep. I don't know how long I was asleep when I was awakened by a noise in the bushes. I was reaching for my gun when the biggest lion I ever seen jumped out of the bushes at me like this, ROOOAAAAARRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!......

I tell you, I just crapped my pants."

The young men looked astonished and one of them said, "I don't blame you, I would have crapped my pants too if a lion jumped out at me."

The old man shook his head and said, "No, no, not then, just now when I said ROOOAAAAARRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!
 

A man has 27 parts that don't work:

20 nails that don't nail
1 belly button that doesn't button
2 tits that don't milk
1 cock that doesn't crow
2 balls that don't bounce
1 ass that doesn't do any work
So what are you women smiling at?
You have a "cat" that doesn't catch mice!
 

Three guys are on top of the Empire State Building and they are bragging about how big their dicks are. They finally decide to compare them by dangling them off the roof.

The first guy pulls his dong out and hangs it over the side and it dangles down to the 20th floor.

The second guy pulls his hog out and lets it fly over the side of the roof and it goes down to the 10th floor.

Then the third guy whips his schlong out and lets it fly. He then starts shaking his body wildly. The first guy asks the third guy, "What are you doing?" The third guy replies, "I'm dodging cars!"
 

There was very, very polite lady. She was polite to everyone she knew. She maried a man and got pregnant. She wanted her kids to be as polite as her so she took polite pills. She took them evey day of her pregnancy. She was told by the doctor she was having twins.

Nine months later the twins did not come out in time. In fact they never did. Years and years went by and they never came out. When she died the doctors did an autopsy on her and they found two little men with long white beards saying "After you." "No You first, I insist." "No no no, after you."
 

An old man went into a pharmacy and asked for two Viagra pills.

The pharmacist brought them out and the old man asked him to cut them in half.

The pharmacist winked at him and said, "OK, but do you realize they won't be as effective?"

The old man said, "Listen sonny, I'm 80 years old. I don't want them for sex. I need them for getting me hard enough so I don't pee on my shoes!"
 

TOP 20 WAYS TO TELL SOMEONE THEIR FLY IS UNZIPPED:

20) The cucumber has left the salad.

19) I can see the gun of Navarone.

18) Someone tore down the wall, and your Pink Floyd is hanging out.

17) You've got Windows on your laptop.

16) Sailor Ned's trying to take a little shore leave.

15) Your soldier isn't so unknown now.

14) Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells.

13) You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.

12) Paging Mr. Johnson... Paging Mr. Johnson...

11) Your pod bay door is open, Hal.

10) Elvis Junior has LEFT the building!

9) Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod.

8) Ensign Hanes is reporting a hull breach on the lower deck, Sir!

7) The Buick is not all the way in the garage.

6) Dr. Kimble has escaped!

5) You've got your fly set for "Monica" instead of "Hillary."

4) Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction...

3) You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.

2) I'm talking about Shaft, can you dig it?

and The Number One Way to Tell Someone Their Fly Is Unzipped..

1) Men are From Mars, I Can See Your Penis.
 

It takes at least ten minutes (on average) for a man to masturbate.

Let's Do The Numbers

134,349,027 men in the United States x 3 whack-offs/week = 403,047,081 whack-offs/week

6 ten-minute-periods/hour x 24 hours/day x 7days/week = 1,008 ten-minute-periods/week

403,047,081 whack-offs/week / 1,008 ten-minute-periods/week = 399,848 whack-offs/ten-minute-period

399,848 whack-offs/ten-minute-period x 98% (Kinsey Factor) = 391,851 whack-offs/ten-minute-period

Conclusion

At any given moment (on average), 391,851 men in the United States are whacking-off.

So be careful who you shake hands with!
 

If a man says something in the woods and no woman hears him, is he still wrong?
 

Those Golden Years

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlour, crawled painfully on a stool, and ordered a banana split.

The waitress asked, "Crushed nuts?"

"No", he replied, "It's just arthritis".

 

Yesterday scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones.

To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of them gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became emotional, and couldn't drive.

No further testing is planned
 

Mr. Jones was an old man with Alzheimer's who lived in a nursing home.

One day he came out of his room, tracked down the nearest nurse, and said, "My penis is dead!"

The nurse kindly replied, "I'm sorry to hear that, Mr. Jones, but it happens all the time with men your age."

The very next day, Mr. Jones came out of his room with his penis sticking out of his pants and wandered up and down the hall.

The same nurse saw him and said, "Mr. Jones, I thought you told me that your penis was dead."

He said, "I did - but today is the viewing."
 

There were once two men, Tom and Tim, who were debating on who did the worst sin.

Tom says, "I had an affair with a hot brunette with light blue eyes while my hot blond hair with dark green eyed wife was at home."

Tim laughed and said, "I had an affair with a hot blond hair with dark green eyes while my hot brunette with light blue eyed wife was at home."
 

This was obviously written by a woman who is afraid to post it.

Q--What should you do when you see your ex-husband rolling around in pain on the ground?
A-- Shoot him again.

Q--Why do little boys whine?
A--They're practicing to be men.

Q--How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A--One--he just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.

Or Alternate answer--Three - one to screw in the bulb, and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.

Q - What do you call a handcuffed man?
A - Trustworthy.

Q - What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A - You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.

Q - Why does it take 100,000,000 sperm to fertilize one egg?
A - Because not one will stop and ask for directions.

Q - What's the best way to kill a man?
A - Put a six-pack and a naked woman in front of him and ask him to choose just one.

Q - What do men and pantyhose have in common?
A - They either cling, run, or don't fit right in the crotch.

Q - Why do men whistle while they're on the toilet?
A - Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.

Q - What is the difference between men and women?
A - A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to
satisfy his one need.

Q - How does a man keep his youth?
A - By giving her money, diamonds, and furs.

Q - How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A - Rename the mail folder to "instruction manuals."
 

20 Types You Meet in the Men's Room

1) Excitable -- Shorts half-twisted around, cannot find hole, rips shorts.

2) Sociable -- Joins friends in piss whether he has to or not.

3) Cross-eyed -- Looks into the next urinal to see how the other guy is fixed.

4) Timid -- Cannot piss if someone is watching, flushes urinal, comes back later.

5) Indifferent -- All urinals being used, pisses in sink.

6) Clever -- No hands, fixes tie, looks around, usually pisses on floor.

7) Worried -- Not sure of where he has been lately, makes quick inspection.

8) Frivolous -- Plays stream up, down and across urinal, tries to hit flies and bugs.

9) Absent-Minded -- Opens vest, pulls out tie, pisses in pants.

10) Childish -- Pisses directly in bottom of urinal, likes to see it bubble.

11) Sneaky -- Farts silently while pissing, acts very innocent, knows man in other stall will be blamed.

12) Patient -- Stands very close for a long time, reads with free hand.

13) Desperate -- Waits in long line, teeth floating, pisses in pants.

14) Tough -- Bangs dick on side of urinal to dry.

15) Efficient -- Waits until he has to crap and does both.

16) Fat -- Backs up and takes a blind shot at urinal, pisses in shower.

17) Little -- Stands on box, falls in, drowns.

18) Drunk -- Holds left thumb in right hand, pisses in pants.

19) Disgruntled -- Stands for a while, gives up, walks away.

20) Conceited -- Holds two-inch dick like baseball bat.
 

60 Things Not to Say to a Naked Guy

1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.

2. Ahh, it's cute.

3. Who circumcised you?

4. Why don't we just cuddle?

5. You know they have surgery to fix that.

6. It's more fun to look at.

7. Make it dance.

8. You know, there's a tower in Italy like that.

9. Can I paint a smiley face on that?

10. It looks like a night crawler.

11. Wow, and your feet are so big.

12. My last boyfriend was 4'' bigger.

13. It's ok, we'll work around it.

14. Is this a mild or a spicy Slim Jim?

15. Eww, there's an inch worm on your thigh.

16. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?

17. Oh no, a flash headache.

18. (giggle and point)

19. Can I be honest with you?

20. My 8-year-old brother has one like that.

21. Let me go get my tweezers.

22. How sweet, you brought incense.

23. This explains your car.

24. You must be a growing boy.

25. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.

26. Thanks, I needed a toothpick.

27. Are you one of those pygmies?

28. Have you ever thought of working in a sideshow?

29. Every heard of clearasil?

30. All right, a treasure hunt!

31. I didn't know they came that small.

32. Why is God punishing you?

33. At least this won't take long.

34. I never saw one like that before.

35. What do you call this?

36. But it still works, right?

37. Damn, I hate baby-sitting.

38. It looks so unused.

39. Do you take steroids?

40. I hear excessive masturbation shrinks it.

41. Maybe it looks better in natural light.

42. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?

43. Oh, I didn't know you were in an accident.

44. Did you date Lorena Bobbitt?

45. Aww, it's hiding.

46. Are you cold?

47. If you get me real drunk first.

48. Is that an optical illusion?

49. What is that?

50. I'll go get the ketchup for your french fry.

51. Were you neutered?

52. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.

53. Does it come with an air pump?

54. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.

55. Where are the puppet strings?

56. Your big gun is more like a BB gun.

57. Look, it fits my Barbie clothes.

58. Never mind, why bother.

59. Is that a second belly button?

60. Where's the rest of it?
 

SEASONED CITIZENS (aka Senior Citizens)

Eventually you reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
-------------------------------------------------
Old age is not for sissies -- been there, done that and have a closet full of "T" shirts to prove it.
-------------------------------------------------
If anyone tries to tell you you're getting old, just squash their toes with your rocker!
----------------------------------------------------
The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
-----------------------------------------------------
Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me. I want people to know "why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.
------------------------------------------------------
Maturity means being emotionally and mentally healthy; it is that time when you know when to say yes, and when to say no, and when to say "WHOOPEE!"
------------------------------------------------------
How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are?
----------------------------------------------------
When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to your youth, think about having to take Algebra again.
------------------------------------------------------
You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.
------------------------------------------------------
I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top. Now that I am over the hill, I don't remember getting to the top.
-----------------------------------------------------
The golden years are really metallic years, gold in the tooth, silver in your hair and, most of all, lead in the pants.
------------------------------------------------------
Life would be infinitely happier if only we could be born at the age of 80 and gradually approach 18.
----------------------------------------------------
One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young. One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been.
----------------------------------------------------
Age seldom arrives smoothly or quickly. It is more often a succession of jerks.
----------------------------------------------------
Sure, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.
----------------------------------------------------
Old age is when former classmates are so gray and wrinkled and bald they don't recognize you.
-----------------------------------------------------
If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you are old.
--------------------------------------------------
First you forget names, then you forget faces. Then you forget to pull your zipper up, then ... oh my goodness, you forget to pull your zipper down.
-----------------------------------------------------
In a survey, 80 percent of women thought their bum was too fat, 15 percent said their bum was too thin and the other five per cent said they didn't care--they would have married him anyway.....
 

An old guy was due to celebrate his 100th birthday and his family didn't know what to get him - he had everything.

So they decided to hire a strip-o-gram.

One the morning of his birthday the front door bell rings and when the birthday boy opens the door he is confronted by this gorgeous brunette wearing only black gloves and thigh-length boots. She says in a very high-class voice, "Happy Birthday, I'm here to give you super sex!"

The old man looked a bit confused for a second and then asked, "Well, I can't decide... what kind of soup is it?"

A Man's Perfect Breakfast
Rated G

He's sitting at the table.

His son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.

His girlfriend is on the cover of Playboy .

His wife is on the back of the milk carton.
 

OLD BOXER

A cop walking his usual beat sees an old man pulling a box on a leash, down a busy street. "Poor man," the cop thinks to himself. "I'd better go humor him."

"That' a nice dog you got there," says the cop to the old man.

"It isn't a dog, it's a box," replies the old man.

"Oh, I'm sorry," says the policeman, "I thought you were simple-minded."

The old man walks past the cop, then turns to his box, and says, "We sure fooled him that time, didn't we, Rover?"
 

After careful consideration and endless debate,

The Perfect Man has finally been named:

MR. POTATO HEAD

He's tan.

He's cute.

He knows the importance of accessorizing.

And if he looks at another girl,

you can rearrange his face.
 

Two elderly men were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ed noticed something funny about Joe's ear. He said, "Joe did you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?

"I have? A suppository?" He pulled it out and stared at it, then said: "Ed, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I know where my hearing aid is."
 

Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, a good cook, and great in bed...

But the law allows only one wife.

 

A man was unemployed and bored, so he decided to sunbathe in the nude.

His penis got badly burned, due to the fact it had never before seen the sun.

His wife came home that night and they had sex. While his wife slept, he looked for relief from the sting.

He went to the refrigerator to find something cold to put on his body and only found milk. He poured some in a glass and dipped his penis into it.

His wife came in, slapped the side of her head and marveled, "So that's how you load the thing!"
 

Why is a Laundromat a bad place to pick up a woman?

Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will never be able to support you.

 

Training Courses Now Available for Men

1. Introduction to Common Household Objects I: The Mop

2. Introduction to Common Household Objects II: The Sponge

3. Dressing Up: Beyond the Funeral and the Wedding

4. Refrigerator Forensics: Identifying and Removing the Dead

5. Design Pattern or Splatter Stain on the Linoleum?: You CAN Tell the Difference!

6. If It's Empty, You Can Throw It Away: Accepting Loss I

7. If the Milk Expired Three Weeks Ago, Keeping It In the Refrigerator Won't Bring It Back: Accepting Loss II

8. Going to the Supermarket: It's Not Just for Women Anymore!

9. Recycling Skills I: Boxes that the Electronics Came In

10. Recycling Skills II: Styrofoam that Came in the Boxes that
the Electronics Came In

11. Bathroom Etiquette I: How to Remove Beard Clippings from the Sink

12. Bathroom Etiquette II: Let's Wash Those Towels!

13. Bathroom Etiquette III: Five Easy Ways to Tell When You're About to Run Out of Toilet Paper!

14. Giving Back to the Community: How to Donate 15-Year-Old Levis to the Goodwill

15. Retro? Or Just Hideous?: Re-examining Your 1970s Polyester Shirts

16. No, The Dishes Won't Wash Themselves: Knowing the 4 Limitations of Your Kitchenware

17. Romance: More Than a Cable Channel!

18. Strange But True!: She Really May NOT Care What "Fourth Down
and Ten" Means

19. Going Out to Dinner: Beyond the Pizza Hut

20. Expand Your Entertainment Options: Renting Movies That Don't Fall Under the "Action/Adventure" Category or Selecting movies that don't star John Wayne on television

21. Yours, Mine, and Ours: Sharing the Remote

22. "I Could Have Played a Better Game Than That!": Why Women Laugh

23. Adventures in Housekeeping I: Let's Clean the Closet

24. Adventures in Housekeeping II: Let's Clean Under the Bed

25. "I Don't Know": Be the First Man to Say It!

26. The Gas Gauge in Your Car: Sometimes Empty MEANS Empty

27. Directions: It's Okay to Ask for Them

28. Listening: It's Not Just Something You Do During Halftime

29. Accepting Your Limitations: Just Because You Have Power Tools Doesn't Mean You Can Fix It

 

If Men Were in Charge of Weddings

1. There would be a "Rehearsal Kegger" rather than a "Rehearsal Dinner."

2. Bridesmaids would wear matching blue jean cut-offs and halter tops. They would have NO tan lines.

3. Tuxes would have team logos on the back and the Nike shoes would have matching team colors.

4. June weddings would be scheduled around basketball play-offs.

5. Vows would mention cooking and sex specifically, but omit that "forsaking all others" part.

6. The couple would leave the ceremony in a souped up '73 Charger or some other Mopar with racing tires and flame designs on the side of the car. Better yet, a Harley!

7. Idiots who tried to dance with the bride (unless they were really old) wouldget punched in the head.

8. Big, slobbery dogs would be eligible for the role of "Best Man."

9. There would be "Tailgate Receptions."

10. Outdoor weddings would be held during sporting events at half-time or between innings.

11. Ceremonies would be short and honeymoons would be long.

12. Ceremonies and honeymoons would be inexpensive compared to the
cost of the bachelor party. Those strippers and liquor sure do add up.

13. Men wouldn't ask, "Well, what do you think, dear? The burgundy or the wine colored napkins?" They'd just grab extras from their local pub or tavern.

14. Favors would be matchbooks and cigars. Better yet, free drink passes at the local lounge.

15. The bride's dress would show cleavage, her navel, and be form-fitted to her butt.

16. Instead of a sit-down dinner or a buffet, there would be Steak or Steak, Pizza or Bar B Que absolutely no Seafood.

17. No one would bother with that "Veil Routine." But they would insist that the garter be as high up on her leg as it could go.

18. The bridal bouquet would be recycled from a previous funeral or something.

19. Invitations would read as follows: (Dick or Harry) is getting the ol' ball and chain... He's getting married. He either:

A) knocked her up,
B) couldn't get a different roommate,
or
C) caved in to her ultimatum.

Please meet the woman who will cook and clean for him For the rest of his life at Mile High Stadium On the 50 Yard Line At Half-time during Sunday's Game.

Please join us at The Clubhouse after the game For Beer, Nachos and Pizza. Oh yeah... B.Y.O.B
 

How to Impress a Woman

1) Wine her.
2) Dine her.
3) Call her.
4) Hug her.
5) Hold her.
6) Surprise her.
7) Compliment her.
8) Smile at her.
9) Laugh with her.
10) Cry with her
11) Cuddle with her.
12) Shop with her.
13) Give her jewelry.
14) Buy her flowers.
15) Hold her hand.
16) Write love letters to her.
17) Write poetry for her.
18) Go to the end of the earth and back again for her.

How to Impress a Man:
1) Show up naked.
2) Bring beer.
 

The finalist has been named in the worldwide search for the perfect man. After careful consideration and endless debate, The Perfect Man has been named.

MR. POTATO HEAD

He's tan.

He's cute.

He knows the importance of accessorizing.

And if he looks at another girl, you can rearrange his face.
 

A man has 27 parts that don't work:

20 nails that don't nail

1 belly button that doesn't button

2 tits that don't milk

1 cock that doesn't crow

2 balls that don't bounce

1 ass that doesn't do any work

So what are you women smiling at?

You have a "cat" that doesn't catch mice!
 

"Gentle" Men Quiz

1. In the company of feminists, coitus should be referred to as:
a) Lovemaking
b) Screwing
c) The pigskin bus pulling into tuna town

2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've both shared:
a) Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship
b) Your blood-test results
c) Five tequila slammers

3. You time your orgasm so that:
a) Your partner climaxes first
b) You both climax simultaneously
c) You don't miss SportsCenter

4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:
a) Healthy, creative love-pla
b) Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would ever agree to
c) Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend need ever find out about

5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex with is:
a) The best part of the experience
b) The second best part of the experience
c) $100 extra

6. Your girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in weight in the last month.You tell her that it is:
a) No concern of yours
b) Not a problem - she can join your gym
c) A conservative estimate

7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is:
a) A myth
b) An oxymoron
c) A moron

8. Foreplay is to sex as:
a) Appetiser is to entree
b) Priming is to painting
c) A queue is to an amusement park ride

9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at the end of a relationship?
a) "I hope we can still be friends."
b) "I'm not in right now. Please leave a message after the tone...."
c) "Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: You."

10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:
a) Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy
b) Is uptight and a waste of time
c) Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place

If you answered 'A' more than 7 times, check your pants to make sure you really are a man.

If you answered 'B' more than 7 times, check into therapy, you're still a little confused.

If you answered 'C' more than 7 times, call me up. Let's go drinking.
 

Q: Men are like bagpipes.....

A: .....You won't get anything unless you blow them first

 

Bob was on an elevator when two men from the big city got on and started complimenting each other on their colognes.

The first man said,"I'm wearing Georgio, $150 a bottle."

The second man came back by saying, "I'm wearing Ralph Lauren, $200 a bottle."

(yes, that Bob on your left) could not stand their attitudes anymore. He started to get off the elevator when he stopped and said, "Boys that there is baked beans, 49 cents a pound.
 

Two old guys were sitting in the park, talking, when the subject turned to getting older.

The first guy said, "Women have all the luck when it comes to getting older."

"What do you mean?" asked the second guy.

"Well," replied the first. "I can barely remember the last time I was able to get it up in bed, but my wife is healthier than ever!"

"Healthier? How is that?" his buddy wondered.

"Years ago, when we were younger, almost every night before bed she'd get these terrible headaches." He answered.

"Now that we're older, she hasn't had a headache in years."
 

Did you hear about the 80lb. guy that had 40lb. testicles.

Yeah they all said he was half nuts!
 

Three old guys from the twilight nursing home were given, as a treat, a day at the beach. And it turned out to be a nudist beach.

They were watching the various young women with wide eyes.

When the prettiest of them all walked by, Sol said, 'I'd like to give her a hug'. 'I'd like to give her a french kiss' said Irving.

And Morris, the oldest one, said, "What was that other thing we used to do?."
 

10 Facts About Men

1. Men never have anything to wear. They truly want the whole world to be full of nude people.

2. Men need sex as often as women do. That's why men think they basically need to have love affairs.

3. Men keep their secrets, 'cause they don't want their love affairs to cause a serious problem.

4. Men have three different condoms in the pocket. medium for wife, large for lover, extra large for just bragging to their friends.

5. Men are never wrong. They always say "right". "we have a right to be righteous to right women in the right place at the right time ... RRRIGHT?"

6. Men do not know anything about cosmetics. "Lipstick? Does lip stick?"

7. Only men understand the difference between "nuts" and "hot nuts".

8. The original meaning of the word "man" was Mentally Abused Nut.

9. If men pretend to care about a sense of humor, That is for attracting women.

10. The most embarrassing thing for men is to meet their wives while dating with their lovers. They run out of that place. The answer to their wives' question, "Who
was the f*cking bitch?" is "I haven't f*ck her yet."
 

There are four occasions when a man is allowed to cry:

1. When the dog dies saving his master in a movie.

2. When Roseanne starts unbuttoning her blouse in a movie.

3. When you wreck your boss's car.

4. When your date uses her teeth.
 

LEARNING ABOUT TODAY'S POLITICALLY CORRECT AMERICAN MALE

He doesn't have a beer gut-
He has a "LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY"

He's not a bad dancer-
He's "OVERLY CAUCASIAN"

He doesn't get lost all the time-
He's "INVESTIGATING ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS"

He's not balding-

He's merely in "FOLLICLE REGRESSION"

He doesn't get falling-down drunk-
He just becomes "ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL"

He doesn't act like a total _ _ _.
He develops a case of "RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION"

He is not a male chauvinist pig-
He merely has "SWINE EMPATHY"

He is not afraid of commitment-
He's just "MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED"
 

My 84 year old grandfather was about to be married forthe 4th time. This time to a sexy 28 year old.

On a visit to his doctor, he mentioned this to his doctor and old friend.

The doctor told him to think it over, that it could cause a death, to which grandfather replied-----if she dies, she dies!
 

THOUGHTS FROM A MAN

When we are born, our mothers get the compliments and the flowers.

When we are married, our brides get the presents and the publicity.

When we die, our widows get the life insurance.
 

Did you hear about the old man who ate a bowl of prunes
after taking his viagra?

He didn't know whether he was coming or going.

A.A.A.D.D.
They have finally found a diagnosis for my condition.
Hooray!! I have recently been diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D.! Age Activated
Attention Deficit Disorder...
This is how it goes:
I decide to wash the car; I start toward the garage and notice the mail on
the table. Ok, I'm going to wash the car. But first I'm going to go through the mail.

I lay the car keys down on the desk, discard the junk mail and I notice the trashcan is full. Ok, I'll just put the bills on my desk and take the trashcan out, but since I'm going to be near the mailbox anyway, I'll pay these few bills first.

Now, where is my checkbook? Oops, there's only one check left. My extra checks are in my desk.

Oh, there's the coke I was drinking. I'm going to look for those checks. But first I need to put my coke further away from the computer, oh maybe I'll pop it into the fridge to keep it cold for a while.

I head towards the kitchen and my flowers catch my eye, they need some water. I set the coke on the counter and uh oh! There are my glasses. I was looking for them all morning! I'd better put them away first. I fill a container with water and head for the flowerpots - - Aaaaaagh!

Someone left the TV remote in the kitchen. We'll never think to look in the kitchen tonight when we want to watch television so I'd better put it back in the family room where it belongs.

I splash some water into the pots and onto the floor, I throw the remote onto a soft cushion on the sofa and I head back down the hall trying to figure out what it was I was going to do?

End of Day: The car isn't washed, the bills are unpaid, and the coke is sitting on the kitchen counter, the flowers are half watered, the checkbook still only has one check in it and I can't seem to find my car keys!

When I try to figure out how come nothing got done today, I'm baffled because I KNOW I WAS BUSY ALL DAY LONG!!! I realize this is a serious condition and I'll get help, BUT FIRST I think I'll check my e-mail...
 

A man meets his friend who has his hand bandaged.

He asks him: What did you do?

The friend replies: I burned my finger.

- The whole finger?

- No the one next to it.

The world according to men :

Every blowjob you give, adds one month to your life.

If you swallow, the protein ingested is equivalent to five porterhouse steaks - but contains only 150 calories.

A handjob a day keeps arthritis away.

Every ten minutes of dry humping is equivalent to ten minutes on the treadmill.

Doing it doggie-style will erase crow's feet and wrinkles.

Intercourse prevents divorce.

Regular screwing releases Vitamin F, which increases the number of brain cells.

Sex eliminates headaches. (this one is definitely TRUE!!!)

Obeying the Eleventh Commandment, "Thou shalt make thy man hard", triples your chances of getting into heaven.

Inviting an attractive female friend into bed with you and your lover earns you a diamond choker for your birthday.
 

Two men are approaching eachother on a sidewalk. Both are dragging their right foot as they walk. As they meet, one man looks at the other knowingly, points to his right foot and says, "Vietnam, 1969."

The other man hooks his thumb behind him and says, "Dog shit--20 yards back."

 

According to archaeologists, for millions of years Neanderthal man was not fully erect.

That's pretty easy to understand considering how ugly Neanderthal woman were.
 

IF MEN REALLY RULED!

Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically forward your call to her real number.

Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable response to "I Love You".

Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards

When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she would appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.

Birth control would come in ale or lager.

Each year, your raise would be pegged to the fortunes of the NFL team of your choice.

The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.

"Sorry I'm late, but I got hammered last night" would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness.

Instead of a beer belly, you'd get "beer biceps."

Instead of an expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said, "You're #1!"

Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th, so it would only occur in leap years.

On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you'd get the day off to go drinking. Mother's Day, too. St. Patrick's Day, however would remain exactly the same, but would be celebrated every month.

The only show opposite Monday Night Football would be Monday Night Football From A Different Camera Angle.

Every man would get four real "Get Out of Jail Free" cards per year.

Faucets would run "Hot,' "Cold," and "100 proof".

The Statue of Liberty would get a bright red, 40-foot thong.

People would never talk about how fresh they felt.

Daisy Duke shorts would never again go out of style.

Telephones would automatically cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.
 

If men got pregnant...

Morning sickness would rank as the nations #1 health problem.

Maternity leave would last for two years with full pay.

Children would be kept in the hospital until toilet trained.

Natural childbirth would become obsolete.

All methods of birth control would become 100% effective.

Men would be eager to talk about commitment.

There would be a cure for stretch marks.

They would serve beer instead of coffee at ante-natalclasses.

Men wouldn't think twins were so cute.

Sons would have to come home from dates by 9 pm.
 

DENNIS MILLER'S ADVICE TO MEN ABOUT WHAT WOMEN WANT

ONE - Foreplay is not a privilege; it is a birthright.

TWO - If you take her out to a fancy restaurant, don't try to subtly steer her away from the lobster, Diamond Jim.

THREE - Quit blowing smoke up women's asses about the sanctity and power they possess as lifegivers and come up with some decent, affordable childcare. That way, maybe poor single mothers can go to work and get off welfare and we won't have to listen to any more idiots in Congress blathering about orphanages.

FOUR - Equal work for equal pay. Look around you at work, guys. Look at...say Carl, the brain-dead jack-off in the cubicle next to you. You could kill Carl, couldn't you, because he's a slacking, worthless, toady idiot. Now, imagine making 30 percent less than Carl. Hellooo....

FIVE - This is very important: during lovemaking, don't ask, "Who's your daddy?" Even as a joke. All right? It's not funny.

SIX - When her mouth moves, pay attention, words could be coming out. Words are kind of important.

SEVEN - Pass a law that makes it compulsory for all over-the-hill rock stars to have women their own age in their videos.

EIGHT - Don't ask her if she came. You're a big boy now, Clouseau, you should know if she came.

NINE - Don't tell her how to merge and she won't tell you to ask for directions.

TEN - When she catches you cheating on her and she cuts off your dick in your sleep, take it like a man.

 

A couple of old cowboys (Sam and Bubba) were sitting in a bar having a drink (or two or three) , doing what most old cowboys do; complaining about the heat, the cows and their wives.

They weren't exactly the brightest guys, and neither were their comments. Every day they said pretty much the same thing.And it always ended in a pissing contest over who had the worst wife.

Today though something was different. There was a wise looking elderly Indian Chief sitting at the bar. They decided to ask him to decide, who had the worst wife.

The first man (Sam) complained that his wife was always arguing with him. No matter what he said, she always said the opposite. She didn't just say it either, she said it so loud that the neighbors complained.

The old Chief listened attentively and then said, "If your wife was Indian, we would name her Fire-Water."

Sam asked "Why would you call her Fire-Water?"

The Indian Chief replied, "Every time she opens her mouth she breathes fire and your knees turn to water."

The second man (Bubba) said "My wife is so bad that we haven't hadn't had physical relations in darn near twenty years."

The chief again listened attentively and pronounced Bubba's wife as "Sleeping-Dragon."

When Bubba asked why, the chief replied, "If you try to touch her while she is sleeping, she will become a dragon and bite your head off."

Sam and Bubba had a good laugh over their wives new names. Then Sam asked, "Okay, them Indian names are pretty cool, but.... Who has the worst wife?"

The chief replied, "I do."

Bubba asked what the chiefs wife name was.

The chief replied something along the lines of "Whumpo Havo Noja"

Both Sam and Bubba looked very confused, and so the chief explained, "That's my wife's Indian name, it translates in English to "Three-Old-Horses."

More puzzled than ever before Bubba asked, "Yeah, but what does it (Three-Old-Horses) mean?

The chief sighed, took a sip of his beer and said ,"Nag, Nag, Nag."

 

The Man Test!

1. In the company of females, intercourse should be referred to as:

A. Lovemaking
B. Screwing
C. Taking the pigskin bus to tuna town.

2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after
you've both shared:

A. Your views about what you expect from a sexual
relationship.
B. Your blood-test results.
C. Five tequila slammers.

3. You time your orgasm so that:

A. Your partner climaxes first.
B. You both climax simultaneously.
C. You don't miss ESPN Sportscenter.

4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:

A. Healthy, creative love-play.
B. Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would
agree to.
C. Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend need to ever find out about.

5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex
with is:

A. The best part of the experience.
B. The second best part of the experience.
C. $100 extra.

6. Your girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in the last month.
You tell her that it is:

A. Of no importance to your affectionate feelings for her.
B. Not a problem, she can join your gym.
C. A conservative estimate.

7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is:

A. A myth
B. An oxymoron
C. A moron

8. Foreplay is to sex as:

A. Appetizer is to entree.
B. Primer is to paint.
C. A long line is to an amusement park ride.

9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying
at the end of a relationship?

A. "I hope we can still be friends."
B. "I'm not in right now, please leave a message at the
beep."
C. "Welcome to Dumpsville, population, YOU."

10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:

A. Probably needs a little more time before she can cope
with that sort of intimacy.
B. Is uptight and a waste of time.
C. Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first
place.

Evaluating Your Results:

If you answered "A" more than 7 times, check your pants to make sure you really are a man.

If you answered "B" more than 7 times, check into therapy, you're a little confused.

If you answered "C" more than 7 times, "YOU DA MAN!"


 

Two old men were sipping brandies in their gentleman's club when they spotted an elderly man in the corner one of them vaguely recognized. "I say", said the first, "Isn't that the pope over there?"

"I really don't know", came the reply, "why don't you go and ask him?"

"Good idea I think I will." So he made his way over to the elderly gentleman in the corner. "Excuse me, sir", he asked, "but are you the pope?"

"Fuck off and leave me alone", replied the elderly gent irritably.

Taken a back, the club member returned to his friend.

"What did he say?", he asked. "He said 'Fuck off and leave me alone' "

"Damn. Now we'll never know".
 

~ Baldness ~

He has wavy hair... it's waving goodbye.

He's not baldheaded... he just has flesh-colored hair.

He has less hair to comb, but more face to wash.

It's not that he's baldheaded...he just has a tall face.

There's one thing about baldness... it's neat.

There's a new remedy on the market for baldness.It's made of alum and persimmon juice. It doesn'tgrow hair, but it shrinks your head to fit what hair you have.

He's so bald that it looks like his neck is blowing a bubble.

True Meanings Of Male Statements

Statement: "I'm a Romantic."
True Meaning: "I'm poor."

Statement: "I need you."
True Meaning: "My hand is tired."

Statement: "I am different from all the other guys."
True Meaning: "I am not circumcised."

Statement: "I want a commitment."
True Meaning: "I'm sick of masturbation."

Statement: "You're the only girl I've ever cared about."
True Meaning: "You are the only girl who hasn't rejected me."

Statement: "I really want to get to know you better."
True Meaning: "So I can tell my friends about it."

Statement: "It's just orange juice, try it."
True Meaning: "Three more shots, and she'll have her legs around my head."

Statement: "She's kinda cute."
True Meaning: "I wouldn't kick her out of bed but a pillow over the head might be necessary."

Statement: "I don't know if I like her."
True Meaning: "She won't sleep with me."

Statement: "I miss you so much."
True Meaning: "I am so horny that my male roommate is starting to look good."

Statement: "Was it good for you?"
True Meaning: "I'm insecure about my manhood."

Statement: "How do I compare with all your other boyfriends?"
True Meaning: "Is my penis really that small?"

Statement: "I had a wonderful time last night."
True Meaning: "Who the hell are you?"

Statement: "Do you love me?"
True Meaning: "I've done something stupid and you might find out."

Statement: "Do you 'really' love me?"
True Meaning: "I've done something stupid and you're going to find out sooner or later."

Statement: "How much do you love me?"
True Meaning: "I've done something really stupid and someone's on their way to tell you by now."

Statement: "I have something to tell you."
True Meaning: "Get tested."

Statement: "I'll give you a call."
True Meaning: "I'd rather have my nipples torn off by wild dogs than see you again."

Statement: "I've been thinking a lot."
True Meaning: "You're not as attractive as when I was drunk."

Statement: "I think we should just be friends."
True Meaning: "You're ugly."

Statement: "I've learned a lot from you."
True Meaning: "Next!!!!"

Statement: "I'm on a long distance call, can you call me later?"
True Meaning: "I gotta turn on my answering machine."

 

Three thnigs Men Know:

1. Men know that Mother Nature's best aphrodisiac is still a naked woman.

2. Men know how to change the toilet paper, but to do so would ruin the game.

3. Men know that a womanwill wear a low-cut dress and expect the man to stare at her cleavage Men also know that the woman will get pissed off when they do, for reasons not totally clear to them.
 

Secrets To A Long Life!

A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch.

"I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?"

"Well, honey, I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise."

"That's amazing, "the woman said. "How old are you?"

"Twenty-six," he said.

 

Impotence: nature's way of saying "no hard feelings".

A MAN COMPLAINING TO A FRIEND:

"I had it all--money, a beautiful house, big car, the love of a beautiful woman...then...POW!!...it was ALL GONE!!"

"What happened?" asked the friend.

"Ahhh.........my wife found out...!!!"
 

A man was sunbathing in the nude, when a wasp stung him on the penis.

He made an urgent visit to his doctor and explained the situation.

"Please can you remove the sting, Doctor?" he pleaded. "But don't do anything about the swelling."
 

During a recent vacation in Las Vegas , a man went to see a popular magic show. After one especially amazing feat a man from the back of the theatre yelled, "How'd you do that?"

"I could tell you, sir", the magician answered, "But I would have to kill you."

After a short pause, the man yelled back, "Ok then...just tell my wife."
 

A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid.
It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art.
It's perfect."

"Really," answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?"

"Twelve thirty."

 

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlour and very slowly and painfully managed to climb up on a stool.

Grimacing in pain, he ordered a banana split.

"Crushed nuts"? the waitress asked kindly.

"No!" replied the old man, "Arthritis".

 

A little boy was sitting on the curb and an old man who was passing by came over to him.

"What's the matter, little boy ? Why are you crying?" he asked.

The little boy said, "I'm crying because I can't do what the bigboys do."

The old man man sat down on the curb and cried too.
 

A Man's Perfect Breakfast

He's sitting at the table.

His son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.

His girlfriend is on the cover of Playboy .

His wife is on the back of the milk carton.

Who said all men are created equal?

Obviously they have never been in the shower room at the gym!

 

QUESTION: How are men and tiles alike?

ANSWER: If you lay them right the first time, you'll be able
to walk all over them for the rest of your life.

 

"How To Ask A Man To Do Something"

Always remember these six important rules when asking a man to do something:

1. Make sure the man is conscious.

2. Crash the hard drive on his computer and line the bird cage with the sports section.

3. Be brief! Limit your nagging harangue to two, three hours, max.

4. Reward him for cooperative behavior. Offer to cook him something that doesn't have a peel-back cover.

5. Punish him when he refuses to cooperate. Microwave his remote on high power for 55 minutes. Rotate 1/4 turn, and microwave again for another 35 minutes.

6. Use "would you" or "will you" instead of "you'd better" or "do as I say and no one will get hurt."

 

QUESTION: What's a man's ultimate embarrassment?

ANSWER: Walking into a wall with an erection and hurting his
nose.

A man walked into a supermarket with his zipper down.

A lady cashier walked up to him and said, "Your barracks door is open."

This is not a phrase men normally use so he went on his way looking a bit puzzled.

When he was about done shopping, a man came up and said, "Your fly is open."

He zipped up and finished his shopping.

He then intentionally got in the line to check out where the lady was who told him about his "barracks door." He was planning to have a little fun with her.

When he reached her counter he said, "When you saw my barracks door open did you see a soldier standing in there at attention?"

The lady thought for a moment and said, "No, no. I didn't. All I saw was a disabled veteran sitting on two duffle bags!!! Rated PG

A man walked into a supermarket with his zipper down.

A lady cashier walked up to him and said, "Your barracks door is open."

This is not a phrase men normally use so he went on his way looking a bit puzzled.

When he was about done shopping, a man came up and said, "Your fly is open."

He zipped up and finished his shopping.

He then intentionally got in the line to check out where the lady was who told him about his "barracks door." He was planning to have a little fun with her.

When he reached her counter he said, "When you saw my barracks door open did you see a soldier standing in there at attention?"

The lady thought for a moment and said, "No, no. I didn't. All I saw was a disabled veteran sitting on two duffle bags!!!
 

Two Men & A Woman!

On a group of beautiful deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following people are stranded:

two Italian men and one Italian woman

two French men and one French woman

two German men and one German woman

two Greek men and one Greek woman

two English men and one English woman

two Bulgarian men and one Bulgarian woman

two Japanese men and one Japanese woman

two Chinese men and one Chinese woman

two American men and one American woman

two Irish men and one Irish woman

One month later on these absolutely stunning deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred:

One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.

The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a menage-a-trois.

The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits with the German woman.

The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.

The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.

The two Bulgarian men took one long look at the endless ocean and another long look at the Bulgarian woman and started swimming.

The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions.

The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy/liquor/ convenience store/restaurant/laundry, and have gotten the woman pregnant in order to supply employees for their store.

The two American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide, because the American woman keeps on complaining about her body, the true nature of feminism, how she can do everything they can do, the necessity of fulfillment, the equal division of household chores, how sand and palm trees make her look fat, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do, all the sales she's missing, how her relationship with her mother is improving, and how at least the taxes are low and it isn't raining. The American woman, meanwhile, watches the men fart and scratch.

The two Irish men divided the island into North and South and set up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets sort of foggy after the first few liters of coconut whiskey. But they're satisfied, because at least the English aren't having any fun.


 

HOW DOGS AND MEN ARE THE SAME:

1. Both take up too much space on the bed.

2. Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning.

3. Both mark their territory.

4. Neither tells you what's bothering them.

5. The smaller ones tend to be more nervous.

6. Both have an inordinate fascination with women's crotches.

7. Neither does any dishes.

8. Both fart shamelessly.

9. Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut.

10. Both like dominance games.

11. Both are suspicious of the postman.

12. Neither understands what you see in cats.

 

Joe had asked Bob to help him out with the deck after work, so Bob went straight over to Joe's place. When they got to the door, Joe went straight to his wife,gave her a hug and told her how beautiful she was andhow much he had missed her at work. When it was time
for supper, he complimented his wife on her cooking,kissed her and told her how much he loved her.

Once they were working on the deck, Bob told Joe that he was surprised that he fussed so much over his wife. Joe said that he'd started this about 6 months ago, it had revived their marriage and things couldn't be better.

Bob thought he'd give it a go. When he got home, he gave his wife a massive hug, kissed her and told her that he loved her. His wife burst into tears.

Bob was confused and asked why she was crying. She said, "This is the worst day of my life. First, little Billy fell off his bike and twisted his ankle. Then,the washing machine broke and flooded the basement. And now, you come home drunk!"

 

HORMONE WARNING!

Every "Hormone Hostage" knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his hands. This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in thewallet of every husband, boyfriend or significant other.

DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?

DANGEROUS: Are you wearing THAT?
SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown.
SAFEST: Wow! Look at you!

DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
SAFER: Could we be overreacting?
SAFEST: Here's fifty dollars.

DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?

DANGEROUS: What did you DO all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn't over do it today.
SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe.
 

What do toilets, a clitoris, and an anniversary have in common?

Men miss them all.
 

It is not always easy to say the right thing on the spur of the moment. We can sympathize with the chap who met an old friend after many years.

"How is your wife?"

"She is in heaven," replied the friend.

"Oh, I'm sorry," stammered the chap. Then he realized this was not the thing to say.

"I mean," he stammered, "I'm glad."

That seemed even worse so he blurted, "Well, what I really mean is, I'm surprised."

 

This is a test for men only and all real men answer "C" to all of these questions.Women will also benefit by reviewing the questions so they get to understand men and thereby enrich their own lives.

1. Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth, and you are the first human they encounter. As a token of intergalactic friendship, they present you with a small but incredibly sophisticated device capable of curing all disease, providing an infinite supply of clean energy, wiping outhunger and poverty, and permanently eliminating oppression and violence all over the entire Earth.

You decide to:
A. Present it to the President of the United States.
B. Present it to the Secretary General of the United Nations.
C. Take it apart.

2. As you grow older, what lost quality of your youthful life do you miss the most?

A. Innocence.
B. Idealism.
C. Cherry bombs.

3. When is it okay to kiss another male?

A. When you wish to display simple and pure affection without regard for narrow-minded social conventions.
B. When he is the Pope. (Not on the lips.
C. When he is your brother and you are Al Pacino and this is the only really sportsman-like way to let him know that, for business reasons, you have to have him killed.

4. In your opinion, the ideal pet is:

A. A cat.
B. A dog.
C. A dog that eats cats.

5. You have been dating a woman for several years. She's attractive and intelligent, and you always enjoy being with her. One leisurely Sunday afternoon the two of you are taking it easy. You're watching a football game. She's reading the papers and suddenly, out of the clear blue sky, tells you she thinks she really loves you, but she can no longer bear the uncertainty of not knowing where your relationship is going. She says she's not asking whether you want to get married; only whether you believe you have some kind of future together.

What do you say?
A. You sincerely believe the two of you do have a future, but you don't want to rush it.

B. Although you also have strong feelings for her, you cannot honestly say you'll be ready anytime soon to make a lasting commitment, and you don't want to hurt her by holding out false hope.

C. You cannot believe the Broncos called a draw play on third and seventeen.

6. Okay, so you have decided you truly love a woman and you want to spend the rest of your life with her, sharing the joys and the sorrows the world has to offer, come what may.

How do you tell her?

A. You take her to a nice restaurant and tell her after dinner.

B. You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, and you say her name, and when she turns to you, with the sea breeze blowing through her hair and the stars in her eyes, you tell her.

C. Tell her what?

7. One weekday morning your wife wakes up feeling ill and asks you to get your three children ready for school.

Your first question to her is:

A. "Do they need to eat or anything?"
B. "They're in school already?"
C. "There are three of them?"

8. When is it okay to throw away a set of veteran underwear?

A. When it has turned the color of a dead whale and developed new holes so large you're not sure which ones were originally intended for your legs.

B. When it is down to eight loosely connected underwear molecules and has to be handled with tweezers.

C. It is never okay to throw away veteran underwear. A real guy checks the garbage regularly in case somebody, and we are not naming names, is quietly trying to discard his underwear.

9. What is the human race's single greatest achievement?

A. Democracy.
B. Religion.
C. Remote control
 

Male menopause is a lot more fun than female menopause.

With female menopause you gain weight and get hot flushes.

With male menopause you get to date young girls and drive motorcycles.

 

An old farmer had owned a large farm for years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, basketball court, etc.

The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch ofyoung women skinny dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end of the pond.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim or make you get out of the pond naked. I only came to feed the alligator."

Moral: Old age and treachery will always triumph over youth and skill.

 

These two guys meet after not having seen each other for many years.

First guy asks the second guy, "How have things been going?"

The second guy, speaking very s..l..o..w..l..y.., tells the first guy, "I w..a..s.. a..l..m..o..s..t m..a..r..r..i..e..d."

The first guy says in amazement, "Hey, you don't stutter any more!"

The answer comes, " Y..e..s, I w..e..n..t t..o a d..o..c..t..o..r a..n..d h..e t..o..l..d m..e t..h..a..t i..f I s..p..e..a..k.. s..l..o..w..l..y I w..i..l..l n..o..t s..t..u..t..t..e..r."

The first friend congratulates him and than asks again about how he "was almost married".

"W..e..l..l, m..y f..i..a..n..c..e..e a..n..d I w..e..r..e s..i...t..t..i..n..g.. o..n h..e..r p..o...r..c..h a..n..d t..h..e d..o..g w..a..s s..c..r..a..t..c..h..i..n..g h..i..s b..a..c..k a..n..d I t..o..l..d h..e..r t..h..a..t w..h..e..n w..e a..r..e m..a..r..r..i..e..d s..h..e c..a..n d..o t..h..a..t f..o..r m..e a..n..d s..h..e t..h..r..e..w t..h..e r..i..n..g i..n m..y f..a..c..e.."

"Why should she throw the ring in your face for that?", asks the first friend.

" W..e..l..l, I s..p..e..a..k s..o s..l..o..w..l..y, t..h..a..t b..y t..h..e t..i..m..e s..h..e l..o..o..k..e..d.. a..t t..h..e d..o..g, h..e w..a..s l..i..c..k..i..n..g h..i..s b..a..l..l..s."
 

Two men are approaching each other on a sidewalk. Both are dragging their right foot as they walk.

As they meet, one man looks at the other knowingly, points to his foot and says, Vietnam, 1969."

The other points his thumb behind him and says, "Dog crap, 20 feet back."

 

Men Are Morons!

Q. What is the thinnest book in the world?
A. What men know about women.

Q. How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. One. Men will screw anything.

Q. How does a man take a bubble bath?
A. He eats beans for dinner.

Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up?
A. Because they don't have balls to scratch.

Q. What is a man's idea of foreplay?
A. A half-hour of begging.

Q. How can you tell if a man is sexually excited?
A. He's breathing.

Q. What's the difference between men and government bonds?
A. Bonds mature.

Q. How do you save a man from drowning?
A. Take your foot off his head.

Q. What do men and beer bottles have in common?
A. They are both empty from the neck up.

Q. How can you tell if a man is happy?
A. Who cares.

Q. How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
A. We don't know…It has never happened.

Q. How are men and parking spots alike?
A. The good ones are already taken and the ones that are left are
handicapped.

Q. What's a man's idea of helping with the housework?
A. Lifting his leg so you can vacuum.

Q. What the difference between man and E.T.
A. E.T. phoned home.

Q. What does a man consider a seven course meal?
A. A Hot-dog and a six pack of beer.

Q. Why are men like linoleum?
A. You lay them right the first time you can walk over them the rest
of their life.


 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

How to talk about men and still be politically correct...

He does not have a beer gut; he has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.

He is not quiet; he is a CONVERSATIONAL MINIMALIST.

He is not stupid; he suffers from MINIMAL CRANIAL DEVELOPMENT.

He does not get lost; he DISCOVERS ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.

He is not balding; he is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.

He is not a cradle robber; he prefers GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS.

He does not get falling-down drunk; he becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.

He does not act like a total ass; he develops a case of RECTAL CRANIAL INVERSION.

He is not short; he is ANATOMICALLY COMPACT.

He does not constantly talk about cars; he has a VEHICULAR ADDICTION.

He is not unsophisticated; he is SOCIALLY MALFORMED.

He does not eat like a pig; he suffers from REVERSE BULIMIA.

He does not hog the blankets; he is THERMALLY UNAPPRECIATIVE.

He is not a male chauvinist pig; he has SWINE EMPATHY.

He doesn't have a dirty mind; he has INTROSPECTIVE PORNOGRAPHIC MOMENTS.

He is not afraid of commitment; he is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED.

 

I wonder what fish smelled like before women went swimming?

It is well known...
Man stands up to get knocked down, woman lays down to get knocked up.

A woman walks up to a guy in a blue bathing suit and says, "Did you know your eyes match your swim trunks?" He says, "Why? Are my eyes bulging?"

Man Test

This is a test DESIGNED BY REAL MEN, intended FOR REAL MEN ONLY.

Circle the best answer to each question below.

1.) impotence is

a. rude or disrespectful behavior
b. helpful when you need dinner reservations or theater tickets
c. when you care enough to give her a break from her sexual duties

1.) A menstrual cycle has

a. three wheels
b. two wheels
c. no wheels...it just drags along

2.) The G-spot is

a. a key on the piano
b. close to the F-spot
c. imaginary - dreamed up by feminists to persecute men

3.) Masturbate refers to

a. the best fishing lure for big fish
b. everyone joining in the discussion
c. the rewards enjoyed by a man who does his best work alone

4.) Premature ejaculation is

a. a man younger than 18 having sex
b. soiling your new PLAYBOY before you get to the centerfold
c. the ultimate testament to your woman's overpowering sex appeal

5.)A Douche is

a. one rank above Earl
b. a playing card with the number "2"
c. French for "You're fresh out of luck tonight"

6.) Lesbian refers to

a. someone from the Middle East
b. a French word for "the well"
c. a woman trying to do what a man does better

7.) Vagina is

a. a heart disease
b. a state near Washington DC
c. like a Club Med - a retreat where kids aren't your
responsibility

8.) Pornography is

a. the business of making records
b. the science of loaning money against hocked valuables
c. better than foreplay - you're ready before she hits the sheets

9.) KOTEX is

a. a radio station in Los Angeles
b. a synthetic fiber for outerwear
c. a chastity belt for women who don't need one

10.)A wet dream is likely to occur

a. when your roof begins to leak at night
b. reading the Sports Illustrated swimsuit edition
c. when a work accident has disabled both your hands

SCORING: The correct answer to all questions is (c).

If you got 10 CORRECT:

You are a real man. The only romantic challenge you face is
finding a woman worthy of your attentions.

If you got 6-9 CORRECT:

You are still a man...but you need to spend more time riding in pickup trucks, talking to chicks on sex hotlines, visiting internet pornography sites...

If you got 1-5 CORRECT:

Liberals, feminists, fairies and wimps are chipping away at your
manhood. Stay away from open, honest discussions of sexuality...
anyone's sexuality!

if you got NONE CORRECT:

It's time for sex change surgery, testosterone replacement therapy, monastic life or marriage.

A: In the 2000's, a guy goes into a drug store and shouts, "Give me a box of condoms!" ... and then whispers to the clerk, "Oh, and slip in a pack of cigarettes, too."

 

FISHING VERSUS WOMEN

A big, juicy worm always gets a fish excited.

Stroking your rod won't piss off a trout.

Sipping a beer and scratching your balls is all the foreplay expected of you.

Anything you stick in a fish's face, it eats.

A fish will never gag, choke, or come up for air.

If you want a bigger pole, you can have a bigger pole.

A smart fish knows when to keep it's mouth shut.

You're never called a jerk when you throw back an ugly fish.

Fish are real happy when you pick up your gear and go home.

You generally can go home with a dozen fish before anyone says anything.

The fish will usually nibble gently on your worm before they engulf it entirely in their mouth.

A fish doesn't care how big your rod is.

 

QUESTION: How can you tell that you're getting old?

ANSWER: You go to an antique auction and three people bid on you!

 

A man who says marriage is a 50-50 proposition doesn't understand
two things: Women and fractions.

 

Rated G

Because I'm A Man

Rated R

WHY CHRISTMAS TREES ARE BETTER THAN MEN

Rated G Alex

Guide To Understanding Women - For Men:

Rated X

Male Comebacks

Rated G

Men are like...

Rated G Lorraine

Rated R .......If Men Ruled The World

Rated R

Im Sorry

Rated G

Dogs and Men

How Dogs and Men Are the Same

Rated G

Amusement Park

Rated G

Rated PG Denny in Yonkers,NY

Four married guys go fishing.After an hour,the following conversation took place:

Rated G Lorraine

Rated PG

Rated G Louise

Rated G

Rated G

Rated G The Guys Breaking Bread

Rated G

Rated G Lorraine


QUESTION:

Rated PG The Guys Breaking Bread

Rated G Sue Bee

UNEXPECTED COLD SNAPS

Rated G Men's Thesaurus.............

"I'm Going Fishing."

Rated G

Rated G

Rated G

Rated G Man Talk

Doug:

Rated G

Rated G Alex

Man's Errors and length of time until you can expect to get any:

Rated G .........Michele

Rated G

Rated G Lorraine

Rated PG Michele   

Rated G

Rated G

THE MANS DICTIONARY!!!!!!!

Rated G

Rated G Man Talk

Max:

Rated G Michele

Rated G Sue Bee

Rated G

Rated G

41 Rules Men Wish Women Knew

Rated G Dennis in Yonkers

THE RULES -- THIS TIME BY MEN !!!!!

Rated G

Five Impossible Questions Women Ask

1. "What are you thinking?

Rated PG Lorraine

Rated G Michele

Rated R

Rated G Michele

Rated G Boys Night Out

Rated G Michele

Rated G LAS in CT

Some old. Some new.

WHY MEN ARE JUST HAPPIER PEOPLE

Rated G Michele

It's an age-old truism.

Rated G Michele

MAN SPEAK 101

Rated XX Michele

MEN'S THOUGHTS DURING LOVE MAKING

Rated G Michele

Rated G from Dave

Rated G Michele

Rated PG Denny in Yonkers

Wisdom can sometimes take a while with us men.

... The Story of My Life ...

Rated PG Michele

Rated G Michele

Men

Rated G Bruce

Rated G spike

Rated G

Five Gifts NOT to buy a Woman:

Rated G Gerry

Rated G Pamela

Rated G Gloria

True facts about men!

Rated G Gerry

Rated G Gerry

Rated G

DEFINITION OF A BARBEQUE COOK

Rated G

Rated R

20 Types of men you might meet in the men's room.

Rated PG

Dumping Grounds: The modern approach

Rated G Gerry

Rated G

A guy's life can be described as a train on a railway track.

Rated G Andrew

Rated G

Man is Like an Automobile....

Rated G

Rated R Bruce

Rated PG Cynthia

If Men Got Pregnant...

Rated G LaVerne

Rated G Wild Child

Picking On Men

Rated G Elaine

Rated G

Rated G

Rated G

Why ARE Men Happier ?

Rated G Betsy

Rated G Quirk

Rated G

Rated G

Rated PG Wild Child

The Contest

Rated PG Denny in Yonkers

INTERNATIONAL RULES OF MANHOOD

Rated G

Expectant Father:

Rated PG Elaine

Rated G

Rated G Ed in Aurora, Ont.

Rated G

Rated G

Rated G

IF MY BODY WERE A CAR...

Rated PG Mr. Hollywood

PERKS OF BEING OVER 50

Rated X The Joker

Oral Sex Survey

Rated G Bruce

Rated PG

Rated G Marty

Rated G

Rated G Denny in Yonkers

Men strike back!

Rated G

Rated G Lorraine

Rated G

MEN IS THE PROBLEM

believe it or not.

Rated G the little woman

Rated G Jokester

Men Are Good For Only One Thing

Rated PG Jokester

Men Are Good For Only One Thing

It has been 370 days since the last post.

It has been 1590 days since the last post.