RICHMOND, Virginia: Restaurant owner Ted Doll couldn't believe the damage after the lunch-time incident at his eatery. A stolen garbage truck smashed through a wall and into the restaurant.

City building inspectors closed the business because it appeared only one brick was holding up the entire front of the building.

The name of the restaurant? The Hole In The Wall.   
 

LONDON: Workers at a London auction house put a $158,000 painting by artist Lucian Freud into a crusher because they thought it was garbage. A spokesman for Sotheby's confirmed the painting had been accidentally destroyed. 'It is an extremely unfortunate situation and we have taken immediate steps to prevent it happening again'. he said. After the painting wa delivered, workers thought the protective case containing the picture was in fact an empty box. They placed it in a garbage crusher. The Sotheby's spokesman refused to comment on the fate of the employees. -----------------------------------------------------------------

ROSWELL, New Mexico: It won't take a penny to get Ernest Spence's thoughts on the I-R-S. He was a penny short on his taxes and now the agency wants more than 286 dollars in penalties and interest. The businessman says he paid more than $28-thousand dollars in fourth quarter taxes. But the I-R-S says he should have forked over one cent more. Spence says his penny error was a math mistake--he didn't carry over fractions of acent. He figures I-R-S agents don't have enough to do if they're going through all that effort to get a penny. -----------------------------------------------------------------

Wacky-But-True: A Pennsylvania man will spend 23 months in jail for making 5,000 phony 9-1-1 calls because he was bored.20-year-old Thomas Crawley was also ordered to spend 100-hours telling children what he did and "how stupid it was" and pay the city of Philadelphia $100 a month for the next seven years.Crawley used the name Tommy Pain to report his fake fires, gunfights, accidents and other emergencies. He eventually worked his way up to 500 calls a day.
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OSLO, Norway: An 80-year-old motorist almost collided with a plane after he made a wrong turn and ended up on a airport runway. Scandinavian Airlines System said the pilot of a plane traveling at 125 miles per hour saw the car, accelerated and took off early to clear the vehicle by a few feet. Airport authorities cannot explain how the man was able to drive through a normally locked gate, and onto the runway. 
 

This is a true story of what a friend's son did on their way to the mall:

Of course, the 4 year old son was in the back of the corvette and the mother and mother's sister was in the front just chatting away.

Before they knew it, a teen couple had been driving like madman (typical teenagers for ya) and cut them off.

The driver/mother then rolls down her windows and screams "Jackass! Learn how to drive!"

Son in back: (looking around vigourously) "Where? I don't see my dad!" 
 

It was reported, some while back, that there was a Japanese fishing trawller sunk in the Sea of Japan.

The circumstances,however, were some what unusual:

A Russian cargo plane was transporting cattle over a very long range, and their course meant that they would fly over the Sea Of Japan.

One of the cattle was acting up. They tried to calm it down, but it just got worse and worse.

The crew then decided to deal with it in a somewhat wierd way. They opened the cargo doors and simply pushed the cow out, and,you guessed it, it landed on the trawller and sank it.

This iS a true story, it's too wierd to be fiction.   
 

One day in Ontario, Canada. A couple of guys decided that it would be cool to steal a donut delivery truck.

So they climbed in when the delivery guy wasn't looking and sped away.

A few minutes later, they were seen speeding down a main road, followed by 6 or 7 police cruisers.

Dont mess with cops and thier donuts!   
 

One day Tim was riding his car down the empty New York street.

Seeing the street being empty, Tim sped up. Little did he knowthat there was a car about to cross the street. Tim crashed and was killed...

Tim then awoke from his sleep only to find him self in the sky with clouds all around. Tim was scared and confused, he then called out, "Hello?!"

Tim waited a moment, then a deep GREAT voice said, "WHO ARE YOU?"

Tim said, "I'm Tim...who are YOU?"

The voice said, "I AM GOD!" "God?...that means I'm...""YES TIM...YOU ARE DEAD, BUT YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO BE DEAD YET TIM...NOT FOR FIVE MORE YEARS."

"Really?...so can I go back then?"

"OF COURSE YOU CAN TIM.""But God, look at me I'm all bloody...Hey! Where's my arm?!"

"TIM, CALM DOWN, I SHALL TURN YOU INTO A SPIDER."

"A spider?!"

"A SPIDER AND ONLY A SPIDER!!!!!""Ok. Ok. I agree, god.

"Poof! God turned him into a spider

"Now what god?"

God said, "Squeeze your ass. Do this...MMMMMMM!!""Push?"

"YES WHEN YOU DO THIS..MMMMMM! YOUR SPIDER WEB SHALL COME OUT."

"Ok God.........MMMMMMMMMMMM!" *POP!* and Tim was now spitting out spider wed from his ass

"NOW TIM GO DOWN TO EARTH USING YOUR SPIDER WEB."And so Tim pushed and pushed and he was going down to earth nice and calmly while doing this MMMMMMMMMMMM!

Then suddenly Tim heard his wife's voice,

"WAKE UP! WAKE UP! YOU'RE TAKING A SHIT ON OUR BED TIM!!"   
 

Sad But True

Randy Nestor, 28, was a considerate car thief.

When the stolen cars became hot, he didn't just abandon them, he torched them.Setting the cars on fire, he reasoned, helped the owners collect insurance on their vehicles.

This criminal habit became hisdown fall. After a 10-year career of theft, Randy burned to death in Pittsburgh, PA in a van which he had set fire to from the inside.

He hadn't realized that the door handle on the driver'sside was broken. Friends tried to release him, but the door was locked. His burned body was found inside the van on Sunday, 1 March 1998.
**********************************************

Did he win the argument? It happened in February 1998 in a working-class Boedo neighborhood in Buenos Aires. During a heated marital dispute, a 25-year-old man picked up his 20-year-old wife and threw her off their eighth-floor apartment balcony. To his dismay, she became tangled in the power lines below. He immediately leapt from the balcony and fell towards his wife. We can only speculate as to his reasons. Was he angrily trying to finish the job, or was he remorse fully hoping to rescue her? He did not accomplish either goal. He missed the power lines completely, and plunged to his death. The woman managed to swing over to a nearby balcony and was saved.

**************************************************

Hungry or just stupid? January 29, 1998, was a fateful day for Michael Gentner. He was shooting the breeze with a group of men, watching a friend clean his fish tank. Alcoholic beverages may have been present. The friend complained that one fish inparticular had become a menace. It had outgrown the tank and was eating other specimens. Michael volunteered to assist. He seized the 5-inch fish and attempted to swallow it. Unfortunately, it stuck in his throat. As Michael gasped futilely for breath,turned blue, and sank to his knees, his three friends realized that something was amiss. They contacted 911 and informed the dispatcher that Gentner had eaten some fish, and was having trouble breathing. Paramedics were quickly dispatched. They arrived to find the fish tail still protruding from the victim's mouth. Despite their best efforts, the 23-year-old could not be resuscitated. The killer fish had claimed one last victim.
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There are safe methods of lighting fireworks. There are dangerous methods of lighting fireworks. Two residents of villages in East Java were killed when they chose the latter method of ignition. Firecrackers are illegal in Indonesia. However, they can be purchased from the black market during celebrations such as Idul Fitri. And boys will be boys, the world over. In January, Isomudin, a 28-year-old resident of Kenongo, and Matkijo, a 20-year-old from Telasih, obtained a large quantity of firecrackers and connected their detonation fuses to a motorcycle battery. The two perpetrators proceeded tostart the engine. The resulting explosion could be heard from a distance of two kilometers. Onlookers attempted to rescue Isomudin and Matkijo, but their burns were too severe. Both men died at the scene. Eight onlookers were treated at a local hospital for their injuries.

********************************************************
A Melbourne, Australia man was playing basketball with his brother and 16-year-old cousin, using a hoop affixed to his garage. After slam-dunking the ball, he hung on the rim for a triumphant moment. The bricks gave way and the wall collapsed on the 20-year-old man, fatally crushing him. His name was withheld by authorities, at the request of his family. Melbourne,Australia is not the safest place to play basketball. Ryan Maloney, 19, died in 1996 in a public basketball court when the ring collapsed on him after a dunk. The coroner recommended that dunking basketballs be banned. No heed was taken of his words.The tradition is still practiced throughout the world.

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed
throughstupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods:

On Sears hairdryer:
Do not use while sleeping.
(Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair!)

On a bag of Fritos:
You could be a winner!
No purchase necessary.
Details inside.
(The shoplifter special!)

On a bar of Dial soap:
Directions: Use like regular soap.
(and that would be how?)

On some Swann frozen dinners:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.
(But it's *just* a suggestion!)

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert:
Do not turn upside down.
*printed on bottom of the box*
(Too late! You lose!)
(I love it: food to piss you off.)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
Product will be hot after heating.
(Are you sure??? Let's experiment.)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
Do not iron clothes on body.
(But wouldn't that save more time?)
(Whose body?)

On Boot's Children's cough medicine:
Do not drive car or operate machinery.
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents
if we just kept those 5 year olds off those fork lifts.)

On Nytol sleep aid:
Warning: may cause drowsiness.
(One would hope!)

On a Korean kitchen knife:
Warning keep out of children.
(Or pets! What's for dinner?)

On a string of Chinese-made
Christmas lights:for indoor or outdoor use only.
(As opposed to use in outer space? Or underground?)

On a Japanese food processor:
Not to be used for the other use.
(Now I'm curious.)

On Sainsbury's peanuts:Warning: contains nuts.
(Not to mention the nut who wrote the warning )

On an American Airlines packet of nuts:Instructions:
open packet, eat nuts.
(DDDUUUHHH)

On a Swedish chainsaw:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals.
(What is this, a home castration kit?)

On a childs superman costume:
Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.
(That's right, destroy a universal childhood fantasy!)
 

Think You're Having A Bad Day?

"In retrospect, I admit it was unwise to try to gain access to my house via the cat flap," Gunther Burpus admitted to reporters inBremen, Germany. "I suppose that the reason they're called cat laps, rather than human flaps, is because they're too small for people, and perhaps I should have realized that."

Burpus, a forty-one year old gardener from Bremen, was relating how he had become trapped in his own front door for two days, after losing his house keys. "I got my head and shoulders through the flap, but became trapped fast around the waist. At first, it all seemed rather amusing. I sang songs and told myself jokes. But then I wanted to go to the lavatory. I began shouting for help, but my head was in the hallway so my screams were muffled.

"After a few hours, a group of students approached me but, instead of helping, they removed my trousers and pants, painted my buttocks bright blue, and stuck a daffodil between my cheeks. Then they placed a sign next to me which said 'Germany resurgent, an essay in street art. Please give generously' and left me there.

"People were passing by and, when I asked for help, they just said 'very good! Very clever!' and threw coins into my trousers. No one tried to free me. In fact, I only got free after two days because a dog started licking my private parts and an old woman
complained to the police. They came and cut me out, but arrested me as soon as I was freed. Luckily they've now dropped the charges, and I collected over DM300 in my underpants, so the time wasn't entirely wasted
 

Strange Disease!

A man and his new girlfriend were "going at it" The next day, her unmentionables were sore and rashed.

She went to the docter and he had her tested. He told her to come back the next week to get the test results, and he gave her some cream to apply to the infection.

The next day as she was getting ready to go out, she got an urgent phone call from her docter. He told her to come to the office right away. When she got there he told her that she had a disease that only dead people could get!

She was shocked, and her doctor told her that he had no idea how she could get
that. She got some more pills and in a few days the infection cleared up, yet she had to go back for testing.

The doctors knew that the only way she could get that was sexual intercourse.

They had to document her sex life and check the files of all the people she had slept with. It turns out that her boyfriend worked at the mourgue.......

I'm sure you can figure out the rest yourself!
 

The deputy was told by the driver: "If you're looking for the dope it's in the back seat."

He explained that the large paper bag was full of marijuana, and that it belonged to his freind, and he stated that he was selling it for him.

The driver was arrested.   
 

There was a robbery at a bank somewhere and the criminal was caught that very same day...How?

The criminal stuck a piece of paper in the lock slot to keep it from locking.

This piece of evidence was found and it turns out that the pieceof paper was a parking ticket of his which had his name and address on it!
 

Desk Job vs. Operating Bulldozer

Paris--In what just might be one of the most ridiculous studies ever commissioned, the French Labor Board found that working from a desk was more dangerous than operating a bulldozer--by afactor of 2 to 1.

Knee injuries from pushing chairs too close to desks proved to be the most dangerous hazard.[not only knees, but I always bump my head on the keyboard tray when coming up for air...]
 

An elderly woman was shopping and when she went to the parking lot to her car, she saw four men in the car about to drive off.

The lady pulled out a handgun and screamed "I have a handgun and I know how to use it!"

The four petrified men got out of the car and ran. The lady put her groceries in the back seat and sat down. She was so nervous that she couldn't put the key in the ignition.

She soon realized why, as her car was parked about 4 cars down.

She got out of the car, took her groceries, put them in her own car, and drove to the police station. She reported the incident and saw the four men in an interrogation room.

When she reported the incident the officers couldn't help but laugh, and then told her the four men had come to report a crazy old lady with curly hair hijacking their car.

No charges were filed.
 

Rated G

A nose walks into a bar and asks for a drink.

The bartender says, ''Sorry, I can't serve you, you're off your face!''

Get back on that face in Colorado, and get to wotk in your booth.

We will have no morphing, when I tend bar.

 

One day, a man is just about to go out for a jog. On his way out the door, his wife says

" Honey, can you pick up some milk on your way back?"

"Sure" the man replies.

As the man is jogging, another jogger is jogging on the same path and running toward him. They bump into each other and it seems like nothing has happened.

Then the man puts his hand in his pocket and he realizes that his wallet has just been jacked by that other jogger.

The man catches up with the other jogger and beats the hell out of him and takes his wallet back.

The man heads home to tell his wife what happened. He walks in the door and says" Honey, sorry I didn't get the milk but I had to come back to tell you something"

The wife says "Honey, I know why you came back, you forgot your wallet."
 

Dumb laws in Texas

State laws:

When two trains meet each other at a railroad crossing, each shall come to a full stop, and neither shall proceed until the other has gone. (No, I don't know how that is possible.)

It is illegal to take more than three sips of beer at a time while standing.

Law prohibits driving without windshield wipers. You don't need the windshields, but you need the wipers.

It is illegal for one to shoot a buffalo from the second story of a hotel.

You can't legally milk someone else's cow.

The entire Encyclopedia Britannica is banned in Texas because it contains a formula for making beer at home.

City laws:

In a certain town, you must first get a $5 permit before going barefoot.

It is illegal to idle or loiter anyplace within the corporate limits of Abilene for the purpose of flirting or mashing.

In Beaumont, college football is banned at Lamar University.

Dallas bans the possession of "realistic dildos".

In Mesquite, it is illegal for children to have unusual haircuts.

In San Antonio, it is illegal to piss on the Alamo. (Law passed after Ozzy Osbourne did it.)

If you catch a cattle thief in Temple, you may legally hang him on the spot.
 

Before driving a motor vehicle into city limits you must call city hall and notify them first.
 

Apparently its completely true. This bloke and his family were on holiday in the States and went to Mexico for a week. As he is an avid cactus fan he bought a rare and expensive cactus there, it was about a metre high and cost about $500 . He got it home and the customs people were none too impressed so they said it must stay in quarantine for 3 months, cost - $800 or so.

He finally got his cactus home and planted it in his backyard where over time it grew to about 2 metres or so in height. One evening after a beautiful warm spring day he was out watering his garden and thought he might give the cactus a light spray. This he did and was amazed to see the plant shiver all over, he gave it another light spray and it shivered and shook again. All its arms moved. He was puzzled so he rang the council who put him on to the state gardens. After a few transfers he got the states foremost cactus expert who asked him many pointed questions, how tall is it, how tall was it when you got it, has it grown well, has it flowered, what type of spines etc etc.

Finally he asked a most disturbing question, "Is your family in the house?".

The guy answered yes, the cactus expert said get them out of the house NOW, get on to the front nature strip and wait for me, I will be there in 15 minutes.

Ten minutes later, 2 fire trucks, two cop cars and an ambulance came screaming around the corner at the end of the street and stopped out the front of the house. A fireman got out and came up to him, " are you the guy with the cactus?". I am he said. The fireman turns to the truck and says 'come on Dave'. A guy jumps out of the fire truck wearing what looks like a space suit, a breathing cylinder and mask attached and what looks like a scuba backpack on with a large hose attached. Stay here, says the first fireman, and they both headed for the backyard.

This was too much for the bloke so he ran around after them and found the guy in the space suit was torching his prize cactus with a flame-thrower, he sprayed it up and down with this huge flame which fried everything within a ten metre radius of the cactus, caught fire to the back fence and set off the neighbors trees as well.

The guy of course was having kittens, what the $%^& is going on etc.etc., after about ten minutes the flame thrower man stopped, his cactus stood there smoking and spitting, half the fence was gone, his garden was entirely rooted.

Just then the cactus expert appears and laid a calming hand on the guys shoulder. "What the hell is going on?" says the bloke, 'let me show you says the cactus man. He went over to the cactus and picked away at a crusty bit of it, it was almost entirely hollow and filled with these tiger striped bird eating tarantula spiders, about the size of two hands spans.

The story was that this type of spider lays eggs in this type of cactus and they hatch and live in it as it and they grow to full size.

When they are all grown to full size they release themselves, the cactus just explodes and about 150 of these plate size tiger striped hairy spiders are flung from it, dispersing everywhere of course. They had been just ready to pop!

Can you imagine?

The aftermath was that his house and the two houses adjoining on each side had to be vacated and fumigated and sealed up for two weeks, yellow police tape was put up outside the whole area and no one was allowed in for two weeks, then they gave the all clear and they could move back in."
 

A young woman made the following report to the police.

She had met a blind man at a rally. She claims that they hit it off pretty well and the blind man asked her for a favor, could she possibly deliver the letter to the address on the envelope?'As it was on her way home, she agreed. She started out to deliver the letter, but then turned around to ask the man a question. To her dismay, she spotted him hurrying through the crowd in the opposite direction - without his dark glasses or white cane.

Sensing something seriously dodgy, she went straight to the police, who raided the address on the envelope, where they found heaps of human flesh for sale.

What was in the envelope? A note which said "this is the last one I am sending you today." Meaning the girl."
 

On a Sunday evening, a young woman was driving herself to a meeting she had up north the next day when she noticed that she was running low on gas and didn't know where the next gas station was. Just as she thought she would have to pull over and sleep the night of the side of the road, she came across a rather dodgy-looking petrol station.

When she pulled in, the attendant made his way around the car and seemed to be very distracted when she asked him to fill it up, She even thought that the man was making faces at her! He finally agreed to get the gas, but then asked her to pop open the hood of the car because there "seemed to be a problem."

Naturally, the woman became a little anxious - she was all alone in a remote gas station, out in the middle of nowhere and it was obvious that the attendant was trying to find reasons to keep her there. He asked her to come look at the engine, because he had to "show her something".'He grabbed her hand and she began to bite his fingers, but once they were inside he let her go. He explained to her that there was a man crouched down in the backseat of her car and the attendant didn't want him to know that he'd been seen.

They called the police who came to arrest the man who, it was later discovered, was a known serial killer."
 

The girl had been out at the local bar for a few hours when she remembered she had forgotton something.'By this time, pretty plastered, she stumbled back to the apartment and quietly let herself in. Not wanting to wake her roommate, she didn't turn the light on, picked up whatever it was she went back for and returned to the bar.

When she got home the next morning, she opened the door to this: Her roommate's head had been cut off and was lying on the floor. Scrawled in her blood on the walls were the words "Aren't you glad you didn't turn on the light?"
 

A woman goes into a grocery store for some milk and peanut butter.

About an hour later she comes out to find a man trying to break into her car. She shoots him , gets into the car and to her absolute horror........ IT WASN'T HER CAR!

So she's walking around trying to find her car when a security guard stops her and asks her if he can assist her in anyway possible.

She says she's lost her car and he tells her to be careful because there's a woman walking around with a gun shooting people while they are getting into their cars.

Who was the woman? HER!!!!!
 

When Reality Is Better then Fiction

1. When his .38-caliber revolver failed to fire at its intended victim during a holdup in Long Beach, California, robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder: He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. Happily for most concerned, this time it worked.

2. Laborer Alexander Robinson of Mobile, Alabama, redefined the limits of tactlessness when he opened his eyes after surgery to restore his sight and said agreeably to his wife: 'Boy, you sure have got fat in four years'.

3. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and, after a little hopping around, submitted aclaim to his insurance company. The company, suspecting negligence, sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine out and lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.

4. Mourners at the funeral of Anna Bochinsky in Moinesti, Rumania, were naturally some what taken aback when she abruptly leapt from her coffin as it was being carried to the grave. Before they could react to this unexpected outburst, the woman bounded into the nearest road, where she was run over and killed by a passing car.

5. An American tourist in South America had the misfortune to be attacked by killer bees as he stood on the bank of the Amazon.Seeking refuge, he leapt into the river - and was devoured by piranha fish.

6. A Malaysian monkey that had been trained to gather coconuts from trees demonstrated a pressing need for a refresher course when it leapt onto the shoulders of a passerby in Kuala Lumpurand tried to twist his head off. The passerby was treated at a local hospital for a sprained neck.

7. In Fort Lauderdale, Florida, a sixteen-year-old youth was charged with beating up his fifteen-year-old wife after the latter hid the caps to his toy pistol

8. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her dead. (I am not saying this is right... but I understand...It'sa Chicago thang'...)

9. One of the criteria by which Miss Nude USA was chosen in 1979 was taste in clothing.

10. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his imcompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus-stop and offered everyone in the queue a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies.The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

11. In Minneapolis, USA, 28 year old Derrick L Richardson has been charged with third-degree murder of his much loved cousin, Ken E Richardson. According to local police, Derrick had suggested to Ken that they play a game of Russian Roulette, but,having no revolver, instead put a semiautomatic pistol to his cousin's head. Apparently, he did not realize that one bullet always loads into the firing chamber of a semiautomatic.

12. Texan prisons have banned convicts on death row from havinga last cigarette, on the grounds that it is bad for theirhealth. However, to compensate for this, condemned men will instead be permitted to chew a stick of celery.

13. An American teenager was in the hospital yesterday recovering from serious head wounds received from an on coming train. When asked about how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

14. Thrash-happy judges in Saudi Arabia have sentenced a Filipino man to 75 lashes for possession of alcohol - after he was caught with two chocolate liqueurs at an airport.

15. Following the initiatives of the Afghan Taliban government, which has banned kite-flying, TV watching and wearing whitesocks, Iran is also cracking down on its more decadent citizens.Ayatollah Mohammed Yadzi has decreed that dog walking is to be made illegal, saying that taking dogs out onto the streets was 'a public insult,' as it was a blind imitation of Westerners.

16. A mother took her daughter to the doctor and asked him to give her an examination to determine the cause of her daughter'sswollen abdomen. It only took the doctor about 2 seconds to say"Gimmee a break lady! Your daughter is pregnant." The mother turned red with fury and she argued with the doctor that her daughter was a good girl and would never compromise her reputation by having sex with a boy. The doctor faced the window and silently watched the horizon. The mother became enraged an screamed, "Quit looking out the window! Aren't you paying attention to me?" "Yes, of course I am paying attention ma'am.I t's just that the last time this happened, a star appeared in the east, and three wise men came. I was hoping they would show up again and help me figure out who got your daughter pregnant."

More Weird Facts:

Did you know...

It is impossible to lick your elbow.

A crocodile can't stick its tongue out.

A shrimp's heart is in its head.

In a study of 200,000 ostriches over a period of 80 years, no one reported a single case where an ostrich buried its head in the sand.

It is physically impossible for pigs to look up into the sky.

A pregnant goldfish is called a twit.

More than 50% of the people in the world have never made or received a telephone call.

Horses can't vomit.

The "sixth sick sheik's sixth sheep's sick" is said to be the toughest tongue twister in the English language.

If you sneeze too hard, you can fracture a rib.

If you try to suppress a sneeze, you can rupture a blood vessel in your head or neck and die.

If you keep your eyes open by force, they can pop out.

Rats multiply so quickly that in 18 months, two rats could have over a million descendants.

Wearing headphones for just an hour will increase the bacteria in your ear by 700 times.

If the government has no knowledge of aliens, then why does Title 14, Section 1211 of the Code of Federal Regulations, implemented on July 16, 1969, make it illegal for U.S. citizens to have any contact with extraterrestrials or their vehicles?

In every episode of Seinfeld there is a Superman somewhere.

A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.

23% of all photocopier faults worldwide are caused by people sitting on them and photocopying their butts.

Most lipstick contains fish scales.

Like fingerprints, everyone's tongue print is different.

Over 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow.

More moron madness clipped from newspapers:

AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked "intellectual leadership." He received a $26 million severance package.

Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.
 

Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them, shouting to please come out and give himself up.
 

An Illinois man pretending to have a gun kidnapped a motorist and forced
him to drive to two different automated teller machines.

The kidnapper then proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.
 

A 9-year-old boy in Manassas, Virginia received a one-day suspension underhis elementary school's drug policy last week - for Certs!

Joey Hoeffer allegedly told a classmate that the mints would make him "jump higher."

And a student in Belle, West Virginia was suspended for three days for
giving a classmate a cough drop.

School principal Forest Mann reiterated the school's "zero-tolerance" policy, not to be confused with the "zero-intelligence" policy.
 

Fire investigators on Maui have determined the cause of a blaze that
destroyed a $127,000 home last month - a short in the homeowner's newly installed fire prevention alarm system.

"This is even worse than last year," said the distraught homeowner, "when someone broke in and stole my new security system."
 

A man walked in to a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Shop, and asked for all the moneyin the cash drawer.

Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.

MELBOURNE, Australia -- Gun-toting granny, Ava Estelle, 81, was so ticked-off when two thugs raped her 18-year-old granddaughter that she tracked the unsuspecting ex-cons down - - and shot off their testicles.

The old lady spent a week hunting those men down -- and when she found them, she took revenge on them in her own special way, said Melbourne police investigator Evan Delp. Then she took a taxi to the nearest police station, laid the gun on the sergeant's desk and told him as calm as could be, "Those bastards will never rape anybody again, by God".

Cops say convicted rapist and robber Davis Furth, 33, lost both his penis and his testicles when outraged Ava opened fire with a 9-mm pistol in the hotel room where he and former prison cellmate Stanley Thomas, 29, were holed up.

The wrinkled avenger also blew Thomas' testicles to kingdom come, but doctors managed to save his mangled penis, police said. The one guy, Thomas, didn't lose his manhood, but the doctor I talked to said he won't be using it the way he used to,

Detective Delp told reporters. Both men are still in pretty bad shape, but I think they're just happy to be alive after what they've been through.

The Rambo Granny swung into action August 21 after her granddaughter Debbie was carjacked and raped in broad daylight by two knife-wielding reeps in a section of town bordering on skid row.

"When I saw the look on my Debbie's face that night in the hospital, I decided I was going to go out and get those b........ myself 'cause I figured the Law would go easy on them," recalled the retired library worker. "And I wasn't scared of them, either -- because I've got me a gun and I've been shootin' all my life.And I wasn't dumb enough to turn it in when the law changed about owning one." So, using a police artist's sketch of the suspects and Debbie's description of the sickos', tough-as-nails Ava spent seven days prowling the wino-infested neighborhood where the crime took place till she spotted the ill fated rapists entering their flophouse hotel. "I know it was them the minute I saw 'em, but I shot a picture of 'em anyway and took it back to Debbie and she said sure as hell, it was them", the oldster recalled. "So I went back to that hotel and found their room and knocked on the door and the minute the big one, Furth, opened the door, I shot 'em right square between the legs, right where it would really hurt 'em most, you know. Then I went in and shot the other one as he backed up pleading to me to spare him. Then I went down to the police station and turned myself in."

Now, baffled lawmen are trying to figure out exactly how to deal with the vigilante granny. What she did was wrong, and she broke the law, but it is difficult to throw an 81-year-old woman in prison. Det. Delp said, especially when 3 million people in the city want to nominate her for sainthood and a medal.
 

Today's New York Post reports:

Michael Bessigano is a pervert with a lot of pluck -prosecutors say the Indiana man stole a chicken from a farm in Valpariso, Ind.,and took it to a motel,was found guilty of animal cruelty and faces 10 years behind bars.

Blood, feathers and chicken feet were discovered in the room the next day.

You guessed it - He was having sex with the chicken!

"In America, there are approx. 50 million children enrolled in elementary and high schools.

They are taught by just over 6 million teachers, who earn an average salary of about $42,000 a year.

About $5,000 less than what's earned during ONE 'At Bat' for Texas Ranger Shortstop Alex Rodriguez."

 

Rated R Carolyn California

Marketing for Dummies

Rated G ..............Get Smart

Rated G

Ultra dumb people

The incredibly dumb

Rated PG

Author Unknown

Rated PG Bank Robbery

Rated PG Really Stupid People

ID Badges

Long Beach, CA

Rated G .....Ed in Aurora, Ontario

IDIOTS IN SERVICE:

Rated G ED In Aurora, Ontario

IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD:

Rated G IDIOT SIGHTING

Rated G

Good Acting

Rated G

On Their Way Out

Rated G

High-tech Criminals

Rated G

Big Bang Theory

Rated G

Blowing It

Rated G

The Tired Lady

Rated PG

Catastrophic

Rated G

Lack of Evidence

Rated G Weird but True Rescues

Rated G

Strange but true

Rated G

THE DOG

Written by: Harry (Perth, Australia)

Rated G

Ghost Riders in the Sky......

Rated G

Written by: Ann Morris (Coventry)

My story is a true one. Although you may not believe it. I know it is true, so did my parents when they were alive.

Rated G

George's Last Tram

Written by: Steve Brookes (Blackpool)

A Balloon Tram on the road.

Rated G

GRAYFRIARS BOBBY

Written by: Ann Morris (Coventry)

Rated G

Questionable Judgments

Rated G

Rated PG

Rated G Becky  

Erational Crime News:

Rated G Becky

Erational Crime News:

Rated G

Rated G Lorraine

Rated G Lorraine

Rated G Michele

Rated R Lorraine

Rated G Michele

Give Them Points for "Style"

Rated G Michele

Rated G Michele

Rated G Strange Will

Rated PG Louise

ENGLAND -

Rated G

Rated G

Rated G

Rated G Michele

Rated G Dennis

Rated G

Rated G

Rated R

Rated G Lorraine

FISHNET HOSIERY DOES IN ROBBERY SUSPECT

MONTEREY, Calif. (March 21) -

Rated G Once in a Lifetime