Film-Tech Forum ARCHIVE: British Isle's England, Scotland

This is topic British Isle's England, Scotland in forum Bob Maar's Joke-A-Thon at Film-Tech Forum ARCHIVE.

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Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 07-01-2001, 09:44 AM:

Rated G

The British have not lost their touch for hilarious slurs on their fellow Europeans...Are you ready to join a Federal Europe?

Try this simple quiz to determine just how European you really are...

1. Your wife has asked you to pop into Marks and Sparks to buy her a new bra, but when you get to the cash desk you notice there is a large queue. What do you do?
a. Take your place in line and wait patiently to be served.
b. Put the bra back on the shelf and return later when the queue is shorter.
c. Barge directly to the front of the line and scream, "Ich leber stomphdas bustenholten!"

2. You are driving around a roundabout when a car suddenly swerves in front of you causing you to brake sharply. How do you react?
a. Drive on, perhaps tutting under your breath.
b. Beep your horn at the offending motorist to let him know you're annoyed.
c. Screech to a halt diagonally across the front of the other car, leapout and bang your fists repeatedly on his bonnet shouting, "Bastardo!Bastardo! Mamma Mia! Bastardo!"

3. You are walking along the pavement when a rather attractive looking woman (or man) passes by. Do you:
a. Look away modestly, perhaps blushing slightly.
b. Smile and maybe say, "Hello".
c. Smear a tub of Brylcreem all over your head, pinch her bottom then proceed to follow her around for half an hour, together with twenty of your mates, all riding pathetic little scooters, making a variety o crude and suggestive remarks

4. You're busy at work when suddenly you realise it's 12 o'clock. What do you do?
a. Have lunch, read the paper, then return to work 45 minutes later.
b. Ignore the time and keep working until you've finished the task at hand.
c. Sit down under a tree and go to sleep for six hours.

5. You're holidaying on a beach when you see a rather old and weary looking donkey giving rides to children. What would you do?
a. Pay no attention. It's a fairly common sight
b. Pat the donkey on the head and offer it a lump of sugar.
c. Goad it with a sharp stick, then get 50 of your friends to jump up and down on its back until it falls over and dies. Then go to sleep for six hours.

6. You wake up in the middle of the night feeling a bit peckish. Do you:
a. Roll over and go back to sleep.
b. Pop down to the kitchen for a quick cup of tea and a biscuit.
c. Phone twenty of your friends and invite them to come round and spend the next five hours eating snails, frogs, onions and garlic, smoking Gitane and drinking 48 litres of wine.

7. You arrive at work first thing in the morning. What is the first thing you do?
a. Start the day's work straight away.
b. Sit in the loo for twenty minutes reading the paper.
c. Spend three hours shaking hands with your colleagues, hugging them and kissing them on both cheeks as though you have not seen them for twenty years.

8. You admire your neighbor's lawn which is particularly well kept. Which of the following would you do?
a. Nothing. You're quite happy with your own patchy area of grass.
b. Ask his advice to enable your lawn to look as good as his.
c. After promising him that you won't, move your garden fence onto his land making his lawn part of your garden. If he complains, shoot him.

9. You are walking down the street when you see an old lady being mugged by two youths. Would you:
a. Wade in without regard for your own safety and try to fight the youthsoff.
b. Run to the nearest phone box to call the police.
c. Ignore the fracas completely, declare your neutrality by waving alittle white flag above your head, then scarper back to your underground nuclear bomb shelter and try to work out how much money you've made by selling vastly overpriced time pieces and multi-purpose folding knives.

10. Your local football team has won a game. How would you celebrate? Would you:
a. Go down the pub and have a few pints with your friends.
b. Just stay at home. You aren't that interested in football.
C. Run up to the roof, screaming Ole' ole' ole' ole' at the top of your voice waving your arms out of the windows and honking the bloody horn all night.

Clearly if you are a true European you would have answered C to all of the above.This is what we really want in Europe:
1) Swiss salary.
2) Luxembourg taxes.
3) German car.
4) British home.
5) Spanish girls.
6) French wine.
7) Italian food.
8) Belgian beer.
9) Austrian mountains.
10) Danish administration.

And this is the EC's proposal for a Europe after EMU:

1) Portuguese salary.
2) Swedish taxes.
3) Spanish car.
4) Greek home.
5) East German girls.
6) German wine.
7) British food.
8) French beer.
9) Dutch mountains.
10) Italian administration.

[ 02-10-2004, 01:18 PM: Message edited by: Bob Maar ]

Posted by Leo Enticknap (Member # 534) on 07-06-2001, 09:41 AM:

Rated U (or PG if you're puritanical about language)

Nasser Hussein [captain of the England cricket team] is pulled over on suspicion of drink-driving. The policeman asks him to undergo a breath test, at which point he produced a doctor's certificate stating that he was asthmatic and that blowing into a breathalyser would be dangerous. So the policeman asks him to provide a blood sample instead, and out comes another doctor's note, this time saying that he's a haemophiliac and that a needle could cause him to bleed to death. Finally, the policeman asks for a urine sample and is given another note, which reads simply: 'This man is an England cricketer. Don't take the piss.'

Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 07-09-2001, 08:02 AM:

Rated G True Story

One day when Margaret Thatcher was still the Prime Minister, she visited a mental institution to see how all the people were doing.

When she was done visiting she phoned for a cab, but they were all busy.

So she decided to phone home and get her husband to come and pick her up. She called the operator and asked to be connected to the Prime Minister's residence.

The operator said that she couldn't do that.

The Prime Minister asked, "Why not? Do you know who I am?"

To which the operator replied, "No, but I know where you're calling from!"

Posted by Leo Enticknap (Member # 534) on 07-12-2001, 08:20 AM:

When Maggie said in her victory speech following the '87 election that her party 'really was the people's choice', a former cabinet colleague with whom she had fallen out (Michael Heseltine) is reported to have muttered 'yes, and so was Barabbas.'

IMHO, the biggest joke in that last story is the prospect of Denis attempting to drive, given the quantities of gin he is reputed to put back...

Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-05-2002, 10:03 AM:

Rated PG

A man was sitting on a London train eating a bag of fresh shrimps, ripping off the heads and shells and then throwing them out of the window. After he had gobbled a few of them down an older woman opposite him said, "Would you mind not doing that? It's disgusting to watch.".

"Listen love." He replied, "It's got nothing to do with you, I've paid my fare for this journey and I'll do what I damn well want on this train." He carried on ripping off the shells, throwing them out of the window and eating the shrimps. Finally he finished the bag and settled back for a little sleep.

The woman then started some knitting and all the man could hear while he was trying to sleep was the incessant clicking of her knitting needles.

After a while, he sits back up and says to the woman,"Could you stop that noise, can't you see I'm trying to sleep?" "It's got nothing to do with you," replies the old woman, "I've paid my fare and I'll do what I want on this train."

At that, the man grabbed the woman's knitting and threw it out of the window. The woman immediately stood up and pulled the train alarm cord.

The man burst out laughing and said, "Haha, you'll get fined £200 for that!"

To which the old woman replied, "And you'll get six years when the police smell your fingers".

Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-18-2002, 12:35 PM:

Rated PG

An American was waiting on a London street corner.

An attractive English girl was passing by when a gust of wind blew her dress above her waist.

"A bit airy, isn't it?" remarked the American.

Hearing this, the girl replied indignantly, "Well yes! What did you expect - feathers?!"

Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-07-2003, 03:58 PM:

Rated PG [Smile]

THREE ENGLISHMEN...

These three English guys are out drinking one night and decide that they want to have a fight. They stagger from pub to pub looking for a likely victim to pick on when they come across a single Irishman in this one bar.

"Watch this."Says the first Englishman, heading over toward the guy,"I here that St Patrick was a shift lifter."

"Really." Says the Irishman, calmly continuing to drink.

With that the second English guy decides to join in,"Yeah,and here he was a pervert too."

"Is that so?"the still calm Irishman responds.

"I know how to rile this tosser."Says the third Englishman, staggering toward the Irishman,"Hey, did you know St Patrick was really an Englishman?"

The Irish guy casually looks up and says,"Yeah, so your mates were telling me." [Big Grin]

Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-10-2003, 05:26 PM:

Rated G

Great Britain Beer Festival

After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.

The guy from Corona sits down and says "Hey Señor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.

The guy from Budweiser says "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one.

The guy from Coors says "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.

The guy from Guiness sits down and says "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.

The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask "Why aren't you drinking a Guiness?"

The Guiness resident replies "Well, if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither will I." [Big Grin]

Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-26-2003, 10:45 AM:

Rated G Dumb Laws

England Laws

Under the reign of Elizabeth I, any person found guilty of "harboring a Catholic priest" would be tortured or even hanged. Any priest of the Catholic faith that was caught would be hanged, drawn, and quartered.

With the exception of carrots, most goods may not be sold on Sunday.

All English males over the age 14 are to carry out 2 or so hours of longbow practice a week supervised by the local clergy.

London Hackney Carriages (taxis/cabs) must carry a bale of hay and a sack of oats.

The severest Penaltys will be suffered by any commoner who doth permit his animal to have carnal knowledge of a pet of the Royal House (enacted by George I)

It is illegal to be drunk on Licensed Premises (in a pub or bar).

It is illegal for two adult men to have sex in the same house as a third p

Any person found breaking a boiled egg at the sharp end will be sentenced to 24 hours in the village stocks (enacted by Edward VI).

It is illegal to stand within one hundred yards of the reigning monarch when not wearing socks (enacted by Edward VI)

Chelsea Pensioners may not be impersonated.

A bed may not be hung out of a window.

It is illegal for a lady to eat chocolates on a public conveyance.

Mince pies can not be eaten on Christmas day.

Any boy under the age of 10 may not see a naked manequin.

It is illegal to leave baggage unattended.

Picking up abandoned baggage is an act of terrorism.

Those wishing to use a television must buy a license.

It is illegal for a Member of Parliament to enter the House of Commons wearing a full suit of armour.

Destroying or defacing money is illegal.

If a steam locomotive is driven on roads, a man must walk in front of the vehicle with a red flag during the day and a red lantern at night to warn passersby.

All steam locomotives are limited to 4mph on roads.

Anal sex is prohibited.

You may not make out in public.

It is legal for a male to urinate in public, as long it is on the rear wheel of his motor vehicle and his right hand is on the vehicle.

Committing suicide is classified as a capital crime.

Interfering with the mail or sleeping with the consort of the Queen is classed as treason, and as such, carries a maximum penalty of death.

Placing a postage stamp that bears the Queen (or King) upside down is considered treason.

One may not "blemish the peace".

A license is required to keep a lunatic.

Damaging the grass is illegal.

Chester

You can only shoot a Welsh person with a bow and arrow inside the city walls and after midnight.

Hereford

You may not shoot a Welsh person on Sunday with a longbow in the Cathedral Close.

Liverpool

It is illegal for a woman to be topless in public except as a clerk in a tropical fish store.

London

Companies may vote in local elections.

York

Excluding Sundays, it is perfectly legal to shoot a Scotsman with a bow and arrow.

Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-17-2003, 12:58 PM:

Rated PG Lorraine

A young woman was appearing in court to face a public disorder
charge.The charges were read out,and she was asked how she
pleaded."Not guilty,"the woman answered emphatically.

The prosecution council then approached the woman and said:"Is it true that on the 11th of December,last year,you committed an act of gross indecency with a one-legged dwarf-who was waving a union jack-on the roof of a car,whilst travelling at over
100mph through the center of London,in a blizzard?"

The woman composed herself,looked straight at the prosecution
council and calmly said:"What was the date again?" [Big Grin]

Posted by James Morton (Member # 1299) on 05-24-2003, 03:47 PM:

A WWII American soldier had been on the front lines in Europe for three months, when he was finally given a week of R&R. He caught a supply boat to a supply base in the south of England, then caught a train to London.

The train was extremely crowded and he could not find a seat. He was dead on his feet and walked the length of the train looking for anyplace to sit down. Finally he found a compartment with seats facing each other; there was room for two people on each seat. On one side sat only a proper looking, older British lady, with a small dog sitting in the empty seat beside her.

“Could I please sit in that seat,” he asked.

The lady was insulted. “You American are so rude,” she said, “can you not see my dog is sitting there?”

He walked through the train more and still could not find a seat. He found himself back at the same place.

“Lady, I love dogs - have a couple at home as a matter of fact - so I would be only too glad to hold your dog if I can just sit down,” he said.

The lady replied, “You Americans are not only rude, you are also arrogant!”

He leaned against the wall for a time, but was so tired he finally said, “Lady, I've been on the front lines in Europe for three months with not a decent rest for all that time; could I just please sit there and hold your dog?"

The lady replied, “You Americans are not only rude and arrogant, you are also obnoxious.”

With that comment, the soldier calmly stepped it, picked up the dog, threw it out the window and sat down. The lady was speechless.

An older neatly dressed Englishman sitting across on the other seat spoke up.

“Young man, I do not know if all you Americans fit the lady's description of you or not. But I do know that you Americans do a lot of things wrong. You drive on the wrong side of the road, you hold your fork with the wrong hand, and now you have just thrown the wrong bitch out of the window....”

Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-06-2003, 09:33 AM:

Rated R David in Aurora

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman are all playing golf with the their wives.

The Englishman's wife steps up to the tee; and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.

"Good God woman! Why aren't you wearing any knickers?" Her husband demanded.

"Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford to buy any".

The Englishman immediately reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency here's $50, go and buy yourself some underwear."

Next the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Skirt blows up to show that she is wearing no undees. "Blessed Virgin Mary woman!

You've no knickers - why not?" She replies, "I can't afford any on the money you give me." He reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency here's $20, go and buy yourself some underwear!"

Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it. "Hoots Mon, woman!

Why are ye not wearing knickers?" She too explains, "You dinna give me enough housekeepin' money ta be able ta afforrrd any." The Scot reaches into his pocket and says, "Well, fer the sake of decency, here's a comb, tidy yurrrself up a bit." [Big Grin]

Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-08-2003, 09:31 PM:

Rated G

A man goes to an agency in London and asks if they
have any jobs.

"Sure," replies the interviewer, "I've got an ace job
- working in a strip club, what you would have to do
is help the girls undress and dress, oil them and all
that sort of stuff."

"Sounds good" says the man.

"Great, can you get to Newcastle for 9.00 am tomorrow?"

"Why, is that where the job is?"

"No, that's where the queue starts..." [Big Grin]

Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-16-2003, 07:05 AM:

Rated G

The mistress of an English manor had just hired a new house maid,an Irish lass,straight out of the country.

The first day she was dusting in the Smoking room where the Master of the house sat reading.On the mantel,she saw and dusted a small bowl containing a couple of small round white balls. She,being curious and not bashful,asked,"What are these?"

He looked up,saw where she was pointing,and answered,"Golf balls."

She said, "OH!",and went on dusting.

A few days later, she was dusting again in the same room, where
the master was again reading.Again,in the same bowl were small
white balls,only now there were four.She said,"I see you shot
another Golf." [Big Grin]

Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-07-2004, 08:35 AM:

Rated PG Leslie

An American girl was visiting England and was invited to a party.

While dancing with a stuffy monocled Englishman, her necklace
became unfastened and slipped down the back of her dress.

She asked the Englishman to retrieve the jewelry piece for her.
He was very embarrassed but wishing to comply with her request he reached cautiously down the back of her gown.

"I'm terribly sorry," he said,"but I can't seem to reach it."

Try further down," she said.

At this point he noticed that he was being watched by everyone in the room which made him feel most uncomfortable and he whispered to the girl,"I feel such a perfect ass."

"Never mind that!" she cried. "Just get the necklace." [Big Grin]

Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-10-2004, 01:14 PM:

Rated G

Sex and the Scottish man.

THE PREPARATION

Friday Night is very much love-night for the Scottish man.
Arriving back from the pub, having partaken of the traditional
Scottish aphrodisiac - 12 pints, a black pudding supper and 3
pickled onions his mind set on one thing. LOVE! Or as he says
himself "ma nookie". His lust at fever pitch after the sensuous
excitement of a hard night's dominoes, he approaches his beloved
wife, enticing her with gentle words of passion - "any chance a ma hole?" The good lady in question perhaps over excited by the
erotic smell of stale beer or the sensuous vision of picked onions sticking to his chin, is at first somewhat reluctant. This coy reluctance is expressed with the flirtatious reply "Awaity fuck ya bam".

FOREPLAY

Foreplay is very important indeed.This basically consists of the male casting off his slightly soiled Y fronts provocatively at his wife,usually land skid-mark side down, as he approaches the bed singing the ancient Gaelic fertility chant "Here we go, here we go,here we go".Upon reaching the bed he comments proudly on this rampant 8 incher.This is a classic example of alcohol induced double vision.

INITIAL PROBLEMS

After 12 pints,sometimes the man's wee Willie Winkie is a trifle reluctant to extend itself (literally).Impotence is very much a blow to the man's self esteem and the wife has to be very tactful.She will offer gentle and sensitive words of encouragement such as "Ya useless bas*ard" or possibly "It never happens to the Milkman".Oral sex is a great favourite of the Scotsman.He approaches his wife with a cheeky invitation,"How'd ya like to put your teeth roon this?" The woman nods willingly and points suggestively to her falsies smiling happily in a bedside tumbler."On ye go" she says "but don't disturb me".

Unprepared by this slight rejection the man drives
enthusiastically to perform such a service for his wife.A
breakdown in communication often leads to problems. The man may
emerge from below, his face like a wet tomato, uttering a pointed but tender rebuke,"Bas*ard, you could have told me it was your bad week.

DOWN TO BUSINESS

Eventually the moment comes to consummate their tender love. Again alcohol induced double vision is an important factor as the man decides which of his willies to use for penetration. Sometimes in his excitement as he moves into his position he may suffer from severe premature ejaculation. A phenomenon he explains to his wife using the poetic phrase "Oh fuck,I've shot ma load." If this does occur it is essential he makes up for disappointing his wife by uttering tender and loving compliments such as,perhaps,informing her she's the nicest woman he's ever come across.

An imaginative lover,the Scotsman,possibly having read the woman likes to be spoken dirty to,says such things as "shite,
arsehole".The woman is speechless.The man is now thrusting away,his mind a kaleidoscope of jumbled erotic thoughts. The woman wonders if they should repaint the ceiling.Sometimes she utters a word of encouragement such as "Are you sure it's in?". Given his level of sexual expertise the Scotsman's ideal partner should be a versatile lover specialising in the faked orgasm. This takes the form of a breathless shout "Ooyah, ooyah, gallus big "man".

Eventually its all over.The man roles over, falls asleep, and
commences snoring like a pig.There's no one in the world performs quite like a Scotsman - a veritable prince in the kingdom of sex. [Big Grin]

Posted by Leo Enticknap (Member # 534) on 02-10-2004, 05:39 PM:

quote:
York

Excluding Sundays, it is perfectly legal to shoot a Scotsman with a bow and arrow.

Oh bugger! I only have a Kalashnikov AK-47...

Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-22-2004, 12:19 PM:

Rated G

Scotsman,planning a trip to the Holy Land, was aghast when he
found it would cost fifty dollars an hour to rent a boat on the
Sea of Galilee."Hoot mon," he said,"in Scotland it wouldna ha
been more than $20."

"That might be true," said the travel agent,"but you have to take into account that the Sea of Galilee is water on which our Lord Himself walked."

"Well,at $50/hour for a boat," said the Scotsman,"it's no wonder He walked." [Big Grin]

Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-18-2004, 10:29 AM:

Rated G

SHEFFIELD, England - Colin Sadd is most likely one of the nicest car thieves around, but he is headed to the slammer again. Sadd was sentenced to six years in prison after admitting to stealing five cars and claiming responsibility for 31 other thefts. Sadd's tricks include dressing up in a suit and going to a car dealer for a test drive.

The car isn't returned, but is abandoned after being spotlessly cleaned. "He looked after the cars he stole better than me," said his wife, Mary. "He only takes brand new vehicles, drives them around for a couple of hours, then he cleans them inside and out. He will even buy a tin of polish to give them an extra sparkle and sometimes takes them to a car wash to get them extra clean."

Psychiatrists have diagnosed Sadd with a compulsive disorder, and he was described by a judge in a previous case as "the man you would most want to steal your car." [Big Grin]

Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 05-07-2004, 03:52 AM:

Rated G

An English landowner and his Irish manservant ran into each other in hell one day. "My lord," the Irishman exclaimed, "what are you doing here?"

The landowner sighed. "I'm here because I lied, cheated, and stole to pay the debts run up by that playboy son of mine. But you were a faithful, loyal servant. Why are you here?"

"For fathering that playboy son of yours," the Irishman replied.
[Big Grin]

Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 08-14-2004, 02:09 PM:

Rated G

A Scotsman goes to the dentist and asks how much it is for an
extraction.

"$85 for an extraction sir" was the dentists reply.

"Och huv ye nay got unythin cheaper",replies the Scotsman getting agitated.

"But that's the normal charge for an extraction sir", said the dentist.

"What aboot if ye didnae use uny anaesthetic?", asked the Scotsman hopefully.

"Well it's highly unusual sir, but if that's what you want, I suppose I can do it for $70", said the dentist.

"Hmmmm, what aboot if ye used one of ye dentist trainees and still wi' oot anaesthetic", said the Scotsman.

"Well it's possible but they are only training and I can't guarantee their level of professionalism and it'll be a lot more painful, but I suppose in that case we can bring the price down to say $40", said the dentist.

"Och that's still a bit much, how aboot if ye make it a training
session and have yon student do the extraction and the other students watchin and learnin", said the Scotsman hopefully.

"Hmmmmm, well OK it'll be good for the students I suppose, I'll charge you only $5 in that case", said the dentist.

"Wonderful, it's a deal" said the Scotsman..."Can ye book the wife in for next Tuesday?" [Big Grin]

Posted by David Buckley (Member # 2600) on 08-14-2004, 05:28 PM:

This joke has yet to be assigned a rating.

A girl was intrigued at the kilt that a scotsman was wearing, wondering what he would be wearing underneath.

So finally, she asks him "What's underneath you' kilt?"

"Why don't you take a look", he replied. Curiosity overcoming her, she lifted the kilt then let it go, exclaiming "Oh, it's gruesome!"

"Well, why don't you take another look, it just grew some more."

Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-10-2004, 09:43 AM:

Rated G

British public toilets have a large gap between the door and the floor.

In one of them, I spotted the following graffiti: Beware of the Irish limbo dancer! [Big Grin]

Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-27-2005, 03:46 PM:

Rated PG Bruce

An American girl was visiting England and was invited to a party. While dancing with a stuffy monocled Englishman, her necklace became unfastened and slipped down the back of her dress. She asked the Englishman to retrieve the jewelry piece for her. He was very embarrassed but wishing to comply with her request he reached cautiously down the back of her gown.

"I'm terribly sorry," he said, "but I can't seem to reach it." Try further down," she said. At this point he noticed that he was being watched by everyone in the room, which made him feel most uncomfortable and he whispered to the girl, "I feel such a perfect ass."

"Never mind that!" she cried. "Just get the necklace." [Big Grin]

Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-28-2005, 10:31 AM:

Rated G

ENGLAND - If you just so happen to catch yourself a painful case of hemorrhoids, one way not recommended by physicians to relieve the itching is by sticking a toothbrush up there.

A 69-year-old man thought that shoving the bristly appendage up his rectum would soothe his pain. Unfortunately, what resulted was a trip to the hospital and a procedure involving biopsy forceps after x-rays revealed that the toothbrush had become stuck in the man's pelvis. So remember: Brushing regularly will prevent cavities, but brushing anal cavities will cause irregularities. [Big Grin]

Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-10-2005, 02:21 PM:

Rated G Lorraine

On a recent vacation to England, my family spent a day visiting the botanical gardens in Ventnor on the Isle of Wight. We decided to have lunch in the tea garden on the grounds, and I lined up inside the self-serve snack bar. There was an open kitchen, staffed with ladies from the local horticultural society who were busy making salads and sandwiches, washing dishes and cleaning up.

A sign over the sink caught my eye: "Will ladies please rinse out teapots, then stand upside down in the sink. On no account must hot bottoms be placed on the work tops." [Big Grin]

Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-14-2005, 09:58 AM:

Rated G

After the Oxford-Cambridge boat race the mother of one of the losing crew was consoling her son.

"Never mind dear," she told him," you were wonderful, you rowed faster than anyone else in your boat." [Big Grin]

Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-14-2005, 10:02 AM:

Rated G Lorraine

A Welshman was telling an Englishman an Irishman joke, "It's about a letter written by an Irishman said as a P.S. "If you can't read this letter take it to the Parish Priest's house and he will read it for you."

After a few minutes the Englishman burst into laughter saying,"of course I get the joke now! What if the Parish Priest were out?!" [Razz]

Posted by Gordon Bachlund (Member # 124) on 04-26-2005, 04:45 PM:

Rated G

Prince Charles was driving around his mother's estate when he accidentally ran over her favorite Corgi, killing it instantly! He got out of his Rover and sat down, totally distraught. The whole world was against him...and now mother would go ballistic.

Noticing a lamp half-buried in the ground, he dug it up, polished it and a genie appeared. "You have freed me from thousands of years of imprisonment," said the genie. "As a reward I shall grant you one wish."

"Well," said the Prince," You showed up just in time..let me show you this dog."

They walked over to what was left of the dog. "Do you think you could bring this dog back to life for me?" the Prince asked.

The genie carefully studied what was left of the Corgi and shook his head. "This body is probably too far gone for even me to bring it back to life. Is there something else you would like?"

The Prince thought for a minute, reached into his pocket and pulled out two photos. "I was married to this beautiful woman called Diana," said Prince Charles, showing the genie the first photo, "but now I love this woman called Camilla," and he showed the genie the second photo. "You see Camilla isn't beautiful at all, so do you think you can make Camilla as beautiful as Diana?"

The genie studied the two photographs and after a few minutes said, "Let's have another look at that dog."

Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-27-2005, 10:18 AM:

Rated G

When the Scotsman inquired as to the cheapest way to sail the Atlantic the travel agent decided to humor him a bit. You can go first class for $2,000, second class for $1,500, third class for $750. And you can swim alongside the boat for $30.98 plus tax. Now which will it be?"

"What kind of food do they throw overboard?" asked the Scot. [Big Grin]

Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 09-01-2005, 12:30 PM:

Rated G

History repeats itself:

Year 1981

1. Prince Charles got married
2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe
3. Pope Died.

Year 2005

1. Prince Charles got married (again)
2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe (again)
3. Pope Died.

In the future, if Prince Charles decides to re-marry or Liverpool needs another European crown ... please warn the Pope! [Big Grin]

Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 09-02-2005, 09:46 PM:

Rated X

February 08, 2005

The Balls of Rhymney

Just when Welsh jokes were as played out as the Big Pit at Blaenavon, comes this tale of regional pride gone horribly, horribly wrong:

A Welsh rugby fan cut off his own testicles to celebrate Wales beating England at rugby, the Daily Mirror reported Tuesday.
Geoff Huish, 26, was so convinced England would win Saturday's match he told fellow drinkers at a social club, "If Wales win I'll cut my balls off," the paper said.

Friends at the club in Caerphilly, south Wales, thought he was joking.

But after the game Huish went home, severed his testicles with a knife, and walked 200 yards back to the bar with the testicles to show the shocked drinkers what he had done.

Huish was taken to hospital where he remained in serious condition, the paper said.

Wales's 11-9 victory over England at the Millennium Stadium in Cardiff was their first home win over England in 12 years.

The really strange--and yet somehow perfectly understandable--part of it all, of course, is that this came after Wales won. Ouch! [Eek!]

Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 09-07-2005, 09:35 AM:

Rated G

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes" replies Watson.

"And what do you deduce from that?"

Watson ponders for a minute.

"Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?"

Holmes is silent for a moment. "Watson, you idiot!" he says.
"Someone has stolen our tent!" [Big Grin]

Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 09-17-2005, 03:07 PM:

Rated G

Tourist to Taxi driver: "How much is it to the Airport?"

Taxi driver: "That's five pounds twenty."

Tourist: "And how much is it for the luggage?"

Taxi driver: "The luggage, of course, is free."

Tourist: "All right, just take that stuff along. I'm walking." [Big Grin]

Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 09-18-2005, 09:41 AM:

Rated G

British Customs have seized the workings of the Channel Tunnel--they claim it's a long-range cannon aimed at London.

~~ Attributed to Rory Bremner, a British Comic

Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-24-2005, 10:52 AM:

Rated G

A Brit and a Scot were standing on a corner talking when an Irishman walked up. "You know what," said the Irishman, "I just went into that pub over there, ordered a pint, played some darts and when I walked out of the pub the barman said to me to pay up. So I told him I paid when I got my pint, the barman did nothing to me, so I got a free drink!"

The Brit like the ideal so much he went into the pub and did the same thing the Irishman did. The Brit came out and told the Irishman and the Scot that the barman gave him no trouble either.

So the Scot decides to try this. He walks into the bar and orders a pint. As he continues to talk to the barman, the barman mentioned the two blokes who walked out without paying.

\The Scot asked the barman why he did nothing.

The barman said, "We'll I'm not looking for trouble,"

The Scot replied, "Well it's getting late, if you give me my change, I'll be heading home." [Big Grin]

Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-24-2005, 04:37 PM:

Rated G

Winters are fierce in the north of Scotland where the Laird lives, so as owner of the estate he felt he was doing a good deed when he bought earmuffs for his outdoors foreman. However, after a week or so he noticed that the foreman wasn't wearing the earmuffs even on the bitterest day, so the Laird asked, "Alan, did ye not like the ear-muffs I gave ye?"

Then Alan said, "Aye, Sir, they're a thing of both utility and beauty."

"Why do ye not wear 'em then, Mon?"

Alan explained, "I was wearing 'em the first day, Sir, and a bonnie laddie offered to buy me a whiskey, but I didna hear him! Never, again, Sir,...never, never again!" [Big Grin]

[ 10-30-2005, 05:08 PM: Message edited by: Bob Maar ]

Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-30-2005, 05:08 PM:

Rated G

Three tourists climbed up the tower to the top of London's Big Ben and decided to throw their watches off the top, run down the stairs and try to catch them before they hit the ground.

The first tourist threw his watch but heard it crash before the had taken three steps. The second threw his watch and made only two steps before hearing his watch shatter. The third tourist threw his watch off the tower, went down the stairs, bought a snack at a shop up the street and walked slowly back to Big Ben in time to catch the watch.

" How did you do that?" asked one of his friends.

"My watch is 30 minutes slow." [Big Grin]

Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-25-2006, 09:33 AM:

Rated G Brian

One of the British national daily newspapers is asking readers "what it means to be British?" Some of the emails are hilarious but this is one from a chap in Switzerland.

"Being British is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for a Belgian beer, then travelling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a Turkish kebab on the way, to sit on Swedish furniture and watch American shows on a Japanese TV. And the most British thing of all?

"Suspicion of anything foreign." [Big Grin]

Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-06-2006, 12:02 PM:

Rated G

I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself

into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket

and trying to lift himself up by the handle.

Winston Churchill

Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-09-2007, 02:51 PM:

Rated G A Scots Pessimist

A Scots pessimist
is a man who
feels badly when
he feels good
for fear he'll feel
worse when he
feels better.

Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-20-2007, 10:54 AM:

Rated G LarryNewParts

British Military

A Mexican newspaper reports that bored Royal Air Force pilots stationed on the Falkland Islands have devised what they consider a marvelous new game.

Noting that the local penguins are fascinated by airplanes, the pilots searchout a beach where the birds are gathered and fly slowly along it at the water's edge. Perhaps ten thousand penguins turn their heads in unison watching the planes go by, and when the pilots turn around and fly back, the birds turn their heads in the opposite direction, like spectators at a slow-motion tennis match.

Then, the paper reports, "The pilots fly out to sea and directly to the penguin colony and overfly it.

Heads go up, up, up, and ten thousand penguins fall over gently onto their backs. [Big Grin]

Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-28-2007, 07:01 PM:

Rated G Ed in Aurora

A Scotsman phones a dentist to inquire about the cost for a tooth extraction. "$85 for an extraction, sir" the dentist replied.

"$85!!! Huv ye no' got anythin' cheaper?"

"That's the normal charge," said the dentist.

"Whit aboot if ye didnae use any anesthetic?"

"That's unusual, sir, but I could do it and knock $15 off."

"Whit aboot if ye used one of your dentist trainees and still without an anesthetic?"

"I can't guarantee their professionalism and it'll be painful. But the price could drop to $40"

"How aboot if ye make it a trainin' session, ave yer student do the extraction, with the other students watchin' and learnin'?"

It'll be good for the students", mulled the dentist. "I'll charge you $5, but it's going to be very traumatic."

"Och, now yer talkin' laddie! It's a deal," said the Scotsman." "Can ye confirm an appointment for the wife next Tuesday then?" [Eek!]

Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 09-29-2007, 01:20 PM:

Rated PG Tony in Lyme, CT

WELSH FARMER

A Welsh farmer walking through his field, notices a man drinking out of a Pond.

The Welsh farmer shouted: 'Paid a yfed a dwr, maer gwerthin wedi Cachu un a for.' (Which means: 'Don't drink the water. The cows have shit in it.')

The man shouts back: 'I'm a Muslim, I don't understand. Please speak in English.'

The Welsh farmer says: 'Use two hands, it holds more'!!! [Big Grin]

Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-30-2007, 11:09 PM:

Rated G Sandy in Coronado, CA

Voted Best Scottish Short Joke!!

A bloke walks into a Glasgow library and says to the prim librarian, "Excuse me Miss, dey ye hiv ony books on suicide?"

To which she stops doing her tasks, looks at him over the top of her glasses and says, "Fook off, ye'll no bring it back!" [Big Grin]

Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-05-2008, 08:11 AM:

Rated G

Britain is Repossessing the U.S.A.

A Message from John Cleese:

To the citizens of the United States of America:

In light of your failure to nominate competent candidates for
President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy).

Your new prime minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.

A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.

1. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix-ize will be replaced by the suffix -ise.

Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to
acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').

3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell- checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize. You
will relearn your original national anthem, God Save The Queen.

4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

7. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

8. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables.Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

9. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline)-roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.

10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

11. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not
actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager.South African beer is also acceptable as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting Nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of British Commonwealth - see what it did for them.

12. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters.Watching Andie McDowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

13. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). Don't try Rugby - the South Africans and Kiwis will thrash you, like they regularly thrash us.

14. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

15. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

16. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

17. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; strawberries in season.

God save the Queen.

Only He can.

John Cleese

Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-30-2008, 01:25 PM:

Rated G Lorraine

THE BENEVOLENT GOBLIN ('Gesta Romanorum'--Latin Collection of tales from the 13th and 14th Century)

In the kingdom of England there is a hillock in the midst of a dense wood. Thither in old days knights and their followers were wont to repair when tired and thirsty after the chase. When one of their number called out, "I thirst!" there immediately started up a Goblin with a cheerful countenance, clad in a crimson robe, and bearing in his outstretched hand a large drinking-horn richly ornamented with gold and precious jewels, and full of the most delicious, unknown beverage.

The Goblin presented the horn to the thirsty knight, who drank and instantly felt refreshed and cool. After the drinker had emptied the horn, the Goblin offered a silken napkin to wipe the mouth. Then, without waiting to be thanked, the strange creature vanished as suddenly as he had come.

Now once there was a knight of churlish nature, who was hunting alone in those parts. Feeling thirsty and fatigued, he visited the hillock and cried out:

"I thirst!"

Instantly the Goblin appeared and presented the horn.

When the knight had drained it of its delicious beverage, instead of returning the horn, he thrust it into his bosom, and rode hastily away.

He boasted far and wide of his deed, and his feudal lord hearing thereof caused him to be bound and cast into prison; then fearing lest he, too, might become partaker in the theft and ingratitude of the knight, the lord presented the jeweled horn to the King of England, who carefully preserved it among the royal treasures. But never again did the benevolent Goblin return to the hillock in the wood.