This is a true story that happened to me a few days ago.

I was at McDonald's and I ordered a large fry.

The cashier said, "I'm sorry, we are out of apple pies."

I was about to explain her error when the lady in line behind me said, "You're out of apple pies? I can't believe it! This is sick! This is sick!"

The poor cashier said, "I'm sorry. We asked for more from the headquarters, but they haven't come yet." The lady shouted, "I have stock in this company, and this is why it is FAILING! "

"I demand to see your manager, because you are obviously an idiot!" The cashier, on the verge of tears, said, "Please don't call mean idiot. I don't deserve to have you yelling at me."

The manager came forward from the back of the store. "What isthe problem here?"

The lady screeched, "This idiot has given me horrible service, and I am never coming here again." She stormed out.

The cashier followed her out, calling, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry." The lady yelled back, "You're a f***ing bitch!"

The manager came out and said, "You are no longer welcome on this property!"

Finally, the lady left the parking lot and stood staring loathingly at the store from the sidewalk. The cashier came back, apologized, and got me my fries.

It turned out that it was one of those ones with Monopoly game pieces. Mine turned out to be an instant winner. Guess what it was? An apple pie.
 

An organization is like a tree full of monkeys:

all on different levels, some climbing up.

The monkeys on top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces.

The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but assholes.
 

A guy went to the middle of nowhere and picked up one of those
new Mercedes. He was testing it out in the parking lot, turned
on the radio and nothing happened. Furious, he demanded to see
the plant manager, and told her, "When I buy a $50,000 car I
expect the damn radio to work."

The plant manager explained to him that the radio had been
programed to his voice and all he had to do was tell the radio
what he wanted to hear. Pretty neat stuff.

He got back into the car and said "Country music," and old
Willie Nelson started singing.

"Rock and roll," he exclaimed, and immediately Elvis started
crooning.

"Easy listening," he remarked, and at once it sounded like he
was in an elevator.

He was relaxed, driving back to his home when a female driver
cuts him off. He controls his temper but before he knows it
another female driver cuts him off.

"Stupid bitches!" he screamed.

The radio immediately blurted out, "So tell me what you want,
what you really, really want..."
 

Reaching the end of his job interview, the personal recruiter asked the young engineer fresh out of college, "And, what starting salary were you looking for?" The engineer said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."

The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement funds to 50% of salary, a company leased Corvette every two years, and the salary you asked for?"

The engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?" And the interviewer replied, "Yeah...but you started it!"
 

A man goes into a bank and walks up to the cashier's desk. "Nice tits love, I want to open a fucking bank account," he says.

"I beg your pardon?" replies the cashier. "Listen you dumb bitch," he says, "I want to open a fucking bank account!" "I'm sorry sir," she says, her bottom lip starting to quiver. "I can't help you if you're going to talk to me like that." And with that she leaves her window, walks over to the bank manager and whispers in his ear.

The two return to the window and the manager asks stiffly, "What seems to be the problem here?"

"There's no fucking problem," the man insists. "I just won 10 million on the fucking lottery and I want to open a fucking bank account!"

"I see sir," the manager quickly replies. "And this bitch is giving you a hard time, is she?"

"The Related Sale" was the subject of a pep talk given recently by the manager of a certain super-drug store.

"For instance, if a customer wants razor blades," he told employees, "ask him how he's fixed for shaving cream and after-shave lotion. That way you can turn a small sale into a bigger one and make more commission."

The youngest clerk was very impressed with the talk and was eager to try the technique on his very next customer. This turned out to be a rather embarrassed gentleman who shyly requested a box of Kotex for his wife.

Ten minutes later, the manager of the store was amazed to see the customer staggering out loaded down with assorted fishing equipment, tackle, nets, boots and a one-man inflatable life raft.

"What happened?!" The manager gasped, and the clerk modestly attributed his success to "The Related Sale."

"Related Sale!" Exclaimed the manager. "But all he wanted was a box of Kotex."

"I know," said the clerk. "So I said, 'Look, mister, there isn't going to be much doing around your house this weekend. Why don't you take a fishing trip?'"
 

If FedEx and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't
people from Holland called Holes?

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around
several times, does he become disoriented?

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy
adultery?

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts," and
you put your two cents in, what happens to the other
penny?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a
broker?

Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just
stale bread to begin with.

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist
but a person who drives a race car is not called a
racist?

Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the
English language. Could it be that "I do" is the
longest sentence?

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked,
doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted,
musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed,
tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

What hair color do they put on the drivers licenses of
bald men?

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible
a whole lot more as they get older, then it dawned on
me ...they're cramming for their final exam

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny
little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese
mothers use? Toothpicks?

You never really learn to swear until you learn to
drive.
 

A young businessman had just started his own firm. He had just rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques.

He saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working. He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments.

Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?"

"Yeah, I've come to activate your phone lines."
 

An Italian, and Irishman and a Chinamen are hired at a construction site. The foreman points out a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian guy, "You're in charge of sweeping", and to the Irishman he says "You're in charge of shoveling." And to the Chinamen, "you're in charge of supplies".

He then says "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that there pile."

So the foreman goes away for a couple hours, and when he returns, the pile of sand is untouched.

He says to the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep any of it?"

The Italian replies in a heavy accent, "I didn't have a broom. You said the Chinese guy was in a charge of supplies, but he a disappeared and I couldn't a find a him."

Then the foreman turns to the Irishman and asks why he didn't shovel.

The Irishman replies in his heavy brogue, "Aye, ye did lad. But I counna get meself a shovel. Ye left the Chinese guy in charge of supplies, but I counna fin' him."

The foreman is really angry now, and storms off toward the pile of sand looking for the Chinese guy.

Just then, the Chinese guy springs out from behind the pile of sand and yells, "SUPPLIES!"
 

Helium was up, feathers were down. Paper was stationary.
Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading.
Knives were up sharply.
Cows steered into a bull market.
Pencils lost a few points.
Hiking equipment was trailing.
Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline.
Weights were up in heavy trading.
Light switches were off.
Mining equipment hit rock bottom.
Diapers remained unchanged.
Shipping lines stayed at an even keel.
The market for raisins dried up.
Coca Cola fizzled.
Caterpillar stock inched up a bit.
Sun peaked at midday.
Balloon prices were inflated.
Scott Tissue touched a new bottom.
And batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market.

 

Did you hear about the two men from the monastery who opened a fish-and-chips fast food restaurant?

One was the fish friar, the other was the chip monk.
 

The new manager walks into his office and, while settling into his new desk, finds 4 envelopes. On one he finds the words "open me first" and the other three are numbered 1 to 3.

He opens the first envelope and finds a letter from his predecessor saying: "These three envelopes will save you a world of trouble. In case of emergency, please open these envelopes in sequential order; envelope one first, envelope two second, and
envelope three third."

The manager shrugs, puts the envelopes back, and forgets about them.

Six months later, the workers go on strike. The company closes, and is losing money fast.

After a lengthy day negotiating with the union, he remembers the 3 envelopes. So he opens the first one and it says: "Blame me, your predecessor for everything".

Wonderful idea he thinks, and indeed it works and the crisis comes to its end. His job is saved, and everybody's happy.

A few month later, another strike hits. He goes to the drawer and opens the second envelope. It reads, "Blame the government for everything".

It works like a charm, and he breathes a sigh of relief as his job is, once again, saved.

A month later the workers declare another strike. The manager goes directly to the third envelope and it reads, "Prepare 4 new envelopes".
 

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery.

When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, "Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours." 

He said, "Yes, but not in a row."
 

A business man is trying to find a potental wife. So he finds three business oriented ladies and tells them he'll will give them each five thousand dollars. Each of them can do what they want with it but to be back in six weeks to tell him what they did with it.

All three ladies think they will be smart and try to make money from the five thousand dollars.

So six weeks go by. The three ladies go to meet the business man. The business man says, ''Number One, what did you do with your money?''

Number One says, ''I invested in T-bills and made $1500."

The business man asks number two the same question.

Number Two says, '' I invested in the market and made $1700.''

The business man asks Number Three the same question, as well.

Number Three says, '' I invested in a CD and only made $1200."

The business man, revaluated all three candidates and came to a decision.

Can you guess which one he selected?
.
..
...
....
...
..
.

The one with biggest tits, of course.
 

A market researcher called at a house and a young woman answered his knock.

There were three small children running around her.

He asked her if she minded replying to his questions and she agreed.

He asked her if she knew his company, Cheeseborough-Ponds.

When she said no, he mentioned that among their many products was Vaseline and she certainly knew of that product.

When asked if she used it, the answer was "Yes." Asked how she used it, she answered, "To assist sexual intercourse."

The interviewer was amazed. He said, "I always ask that question because everyone uses our product and they always say they use it for the child's bicycle chain, or the gate hinge; but I know that most use it for sexual intercourse.

Since you've been so frank, could you tell me exactly how you use it?"

"We put it on the doorknob to keep the kids out."
 

A young farm girl answers the door and sees an older neighbor there.

Girl: "My father isn't home, but I know what you want and I can help you. You want our bull to service your cow. Well, my father charges one hundred dollars for his best bull."

Neighbor: "That's not I want."

Girl: "We have a young bull who is just starting out. My father charges fifty dollars for him."

Neighbor: "That's not I want."

Girl: "We have an old bull out in the pasture. He can still do a job. My father charges only ten dollars for him."

Neighbor: "That's not what I want. I came here to see your father about your brother. Your brother Elmer made my daughter pregnant."

Girl: "Oh. You'll have to see my father about that because I don't know what my father charges for Elmer."
 

Me Want A Loan

The old native American who wanted a loan for $500.

The banker pulled out the loan application, "What are you going to do with the money?"

"Take jewelry to city and sell it," was the response.

"What have you got for collateral?"

"Don't know collateral."

"Well that's something of value that 

would cover the cost of the loan. 

Have you got any vehicles?"

"Yes, 1949 Chevy pickup."

The banker shook his head, 

"How about livestock?"

"Yes, I have a horse."

"How old is it?"

"Don't know, has no teeth."

Finally the banker decided to make the $500 loan.

Several weeks later the old man was back in the bank.

He pulled out a roll of bills, "Here to pay." he said. He then handed the banker the money to pay his loan off.

"What are you going to do with the rest of that money?"

"Put in teepee."

"Why don't you deposit it in my bank," he asked.

"Don't know deposit."

"You put the money in our bank and we take care of it for you.

When you want to use it you can withdraw it."

The old Indian leaned across the desk, "What you got for collateral?"
 

"You know what a foreman is?" he asked. "The one who stands around and watches the other men work?"

"What's that got to do with it?" he asked.

"Well, he just got jealous of me," Uncle Joe explained. "Everyone thought I was the foreman."

 

JOB INTERVIEW 

John, who was born without ears, needed to hire a new Bank Manager. He set up three interviews.   

The first guy was great. He knew everything he needed to know and was very
interesting. At the end of the interview, John asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?"  

"Why, yes, I couldn't help but notice that you have no ears," came the reply. John did not appreciate his candor and threw him out of the office.

The second interview was with a woman, who had been with the bank a long time.

She was even better than the first guy. He asked her the same question: "Do you notice anything different about me?"  "Well," she said, "you have no ears." John got upset and tossed her out.

The third and final interview was the best of the bunch.

He was a young man who had recently earned his MBA. He was smart. He was handsome. And he seemed to be a better businessman that the first two put together.

John was anxious, but went ahead and asked the young man: "Do you notice anything different about me?"

Much to his surprise, the young man answered, "Yes. You wear contact lenses."

John was shocked and realized this was an incredibly observant person.

"How in the world did you know that?", he asked.

The young man fell off his chair laughing hysterically and replied, "Well,it's pretty hard to wear glasses with no fuckin' ears!"
 

A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant lot. One day a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot. The young family's 6 year old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers. She hung around and eventually the construction crew - gems in the rough all of them - more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.
At the end of the first week they even presented her with a pay envelope containing a dollar. The little girl took this home to her mother who said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they take the dollar pay she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.

When they got to the bank the teller was equally impressed with the story and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay cheque at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, "I've been working with a crew building a house all week".

"My goodness gracious", said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week too"?

"I will if those useless cock suckers at the lumber yard ever bring us the fucking bricks", replied the little girl.
 

A Japanese company and an American company decided to have a canoe race on
the Missouri River. Both the teams practiced hard and long to reach their peak performance before the race.

On the big day the Japanese won by a mile.

Afterwards the American team became very discouraged and morally depressed. The American management decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had
to be found.

A "Management Team" made up of senior management was formed. They investigate and recommend appropriate action. Their conclusion was that
Japanese had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, while the American team
had 8 persons steering and one person rowing.

So the American management hired a consulting company and paid them incredible amount of money. They advised that too many people were steering the boat and not enough people were rowing.

To prevent losing to the Japanese again next year, the rowing team's
management structure was totally reorganized to 4 steering supervisors, 3 area steering superintendents and 1 assistant superintendent steering manager.

They also implemented a new performance system that would give the 1 person
rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder.

It was called the "Rowing Team Quality First Program," with meetings dinners and free pens for the rower. "We must give the rower the empowerment and enrichments through this quality program."

The next year the Japanese won by two miles.

Humiliated, the American management laid off the rower for poor performance,
halted development of a new canoe, sold the paddles, and canceled all capital
investments for new equipment.

Then they distributed the money saved as bonuses to the senior executives.
 

Banana Cake Mix

Ingredients:
-----------------
2 x Laughing Eyes
2 x Well-shaped Legs
2 x Loving Arms
2 x Firm Milk Containers
2 x Nuts
Fur-lined mixing bowl
Firm Banana

Method:
------------
1. Look into laughing eyes.

2. Spread well-shaped legs slowly.

3. Squeeze and massage milk containers very gently until fur-lined mixing bowl is well greased. Check frequently with finger.

4. Meanwhile ensure that loving arms are attached to firm banana.

5. Add firm banana to fur-lined mixing bowl gently. Work in and out until well creamed. For best results continue to knead milk containers.

6. As heat rises plunge banana deep into fur-lined mixing bowl, cover with nuts, sigh with relief. Leave to soak (preferably not overnight).

7. The cake is cooked when the banana is soft. If the banana doesn't soften, repeat method or change mixing bowl.

8. If you are in an unfamiliar kitchen be sure to wash utensils carefully after use.

Please Note:

DO NOT LICK MIXING BOWL AFTER BANANA SOFTENS. IF CAKE "RISES" LEAVE TOWN AS SOON AS POSSIBLE!
 

A man walks up to Michelle in the office and tells her that her hair smells nice.

Michelle immediately goes into her supervisor's office and tells him that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit and explains why.

The supervisor is puzzled by this time and says, "What's wrong with the coworker telling you your hair smells nice?"

Michelle replies, "He's a midget."
 

A guy was on a business trip staying in this fancy hotel.

When he goes up to his room there's a sign near the bed that says "Try our Oriental Massage".

So he rings down to the reception and tells the clerk that he'd like to try one of these massages.

About ten minutes later this Japanese lady comes up and starts giving him a massage.

He's lying on his stomach and getting pretty horny and he gets a huge boner. She told him to turn over and when he does she sees his cock standing to attention. So she giggles and says "Ahh, you want wanky!"

So he says "Oooh, yes!" So she runs off into the bathroom and he lies on the bed waiting.

A few minutes later she sticks her head out from behind the door and says
"You finished yet???"
 

Fresh out of business school, a young man answered a want ad for an accountant.

Now he was being interviewed by a very nervous man who ran a small business which he had started himself.

"I need someone with an accounting degree," the man said. "But mainly, I'm looking for someone to do my worrying for me."

"Excuse me?" the accountant said.

"I worry about a lot of things," the man said. "But I don't want to have to worry about money. Your job will be to take all the money worries off my back."

"I see," the accountant said. "And how much does the job pay?"

"I'll start you at eighty thousand."

"Eighty thousand dollars!" the accountant exclaimed. "How can such a small business afford a sum like that?"

"Well, that," the owner said, "is your first worry."
 

The old farmer was having a pretty bad year.

All of his crops had been lost.

Fortunately, the peach orchard had done really well. The only way he was going to make it financially was to cut out the middle man and sell the peaches directly to the consumer.

So he loaded his pickup with peaches and headed to town. Just on the outskirts of town he came to a house. So he took a basket of peaches and went up and knocked on the door.

A gorgeous blond in a sheer robe answered the door. In a sexy voice she said, "Hi, Honey, what can I do for you?"

Quite shaken, the old farmer muttered, "I have these here really nice peaches for sale".

The blond, noticing how shaken he was, decided to play a bit. So she opened the top of her robe showing her breasts. She said, "Are those peaches full and firm like these?"

Very shaken, he managed to whisper, "Oh yes, they're really good peaches."

So she opened the rest of her robe, showing she had on no panties. She teased, "Would they be succulent and delicious like this?"

The old farmer popped out crying and said, "Oh yes, they're wonderful peaches."
She said, "Well, honey, why on earth are you crying?"

The old farmer whimpered "Lady, the cut worms ruined my tomato crop and the weevils ate all my cotton and now I think you're gonna screw me out of my peaches."

 

A young Southern peasant girl of 15 went to work in a broom factory. After 3 months she gave the boss a 2-week notice. The boss was quite unhappy to let her go since she was a good worker.

Upon calling her into his office: "But why?" he asked.

"Oh nothin, I just wanna quit." she said sullenly.

"Look, I'll give you a $3.00 raise."

"No," she said.

"You can't just quit like that. There must be a reason. Tell me."

"Okay if you must know ..." said the girl, and she took off her underwear and pointed to her pubic hair, "Look, I haven't had this before, it's the broom's bristles, I tell you ..."

Tickled by her innocence, he too took off his underwear and showed his, and said, "Ha, ha ... my dear, it's nature. Look, I have it, too ..."

"Oh no!" the girl cried, "I can't wait two weeks, I quit NOW! Not only do you have the bristles, but you've grown the handle as well."
 

On July 26, 2000, two friends, Jim and John, each received a $1000 bonus at work. (They both work for Nortel Networks, where in the summer of 2000, there was LOTS of money around for bonuses).

Jim, being an intelligent, financially conscientious person, put the whole $1000 into Nortel Networks stock. With his $1000, and the transaction cost of $35, he was able to purchase 7 shares at $123 each. Having watched the Nortel stock climb and climb, he felt very good about this investment, happy that he is preparing for the future.

John, being a more care-free sort, did something slightly different with his $1000. John borrowed a friend's truck, and proceeded to the Beer Store, where he purchased 33 cases of beer. John also felt very good about his investment: 33 cases x 24 = is 792 bottles of beer! John, also being an intelligent guy, although perhaps not as forward-thinking as Jim, calculated that he could drink about 15 bottles per week, and he wouldn't have to buy beer for a whole year. Jim, of course, was appalled by John's purchase, and berated him constantly about it. As months went by, Jim excitedly watched the stock prices, and saw it start to dwindle. "It'll go back up", he'd say to Jim. Jim, who has been reaping the benefits of his investment on a daily basis, would reply, "Ya, it will. Hang in there buddy "burp".

Months went by, and the value of the stock continued to fall, and there was the beginnings of a noticeable dent in the beer pile. Midwinter came, Jim's stock had fallen to about half of it's original value, and John's beer was about half gone. Jim, being sure that the stock had hit rock-bottom, still was berating John for his frivolous purchase, telling him "Your beer will be gone in six months! Who knows what my stock will be worth!!". Well, summer has come, and hard times at Nortel continue. Bad news: Both John and Jim have been affected by the layoffs. Last week, in order to raise some cash to help through the rough time, Jim sold his 7 shares, at that day's value of $12, and got $84, then after paying the $35 transaction fee, he only had $49. Jim stopped by John's house later that day (everyone needs their friend's during rough times), and as luck would have it, there were two bottles of John's beer left. John, being a good, compassionate friend, offered to share his last two bottles of beer with his friend. Jim appreciated the gesture, and enjoyed the cold beer on the hot summer's day, but he felt a bit guilty. "At least I got fifty bucks back out of it - you have nothing now.", he said. "That's ok.", replied John. "Perhaps you can help me, I need to return all these empties.", he added as his other friend with the truck pulled in.

So, they loaded up the truck, and proceeded off to the beer store. Upon arrival at the beer store, they unloaded the empties, feeling a little grim. John went to the counter, and collected his refund for the bottles. "33 cases x 24 bottles, at 10 cents per bottle, that comes to $79.20", the friendly Beer Store clerk said to John as he handed him the money. Jim was speechless. Poor guy. Can you imagine how you would feel if you just discovered that over the course of the last year, your $1000 stock investment left you with $50, and taking same 1000, buying beer, and drinking it, would leave you with $80. I'll leave it up to the reader to come up with they're own "moral to the story".

Have a nice day, and better luck with your own investing.
 

Here's what those HR terms really mean...

"COMPETITIVE SALARY"
We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

"JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY"
We have no time to train you.

"CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE"
We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up.

"MUST BE DEADLINE-ORIENTED"
You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.

"SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED"
Some time each night and some time each weekend.

"DUTIES WILL VARY"
Anyone in the office can boss you around.

"MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL"
We have no quality control.

"CAREER-MINDED"
Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way).

"APPLY IN PERSON"
If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told the position has been filled.

"NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE"
We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.

"SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE"
You'll need it to replace three people who just left.

"PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST"
You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.

"REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS"
You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.

"GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS"
Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.
 

Subject:  Fwd: Bad day at the office??

When you have an "I hate my job" day try this:

On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section.

You will need to purchase a rectal thermometer made by "Q-tip." Be very sure that you get this brand.

When you get home, lock your doors, draw the drapes, and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed during your therapy.

Change to very comfortable clothing, such as a sweat suit and lie down on your bed.

Open the package and remove the thermometer.

Carefully place it on the bedside table so that it will not become chipped or broken.

Take out the written material that accompanies the thermometer and read it.

You will notice that in small print there is a statement:

"Every rectal thermometer made by Q-tip is personally tested."

Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times,

"I am so glad I do not work in quality control at the Q-tip Company."
 

A foreman sent out two groups of men to put up telephone poles along a new highway and asked them to report at the end of the day. The crews were gone all day and returned just as the sun was setting.

The foreman asked the leader of the first group how many poles they had installed. The reply was eleven.

The foreman patted the guy on the back and said, "Not bad." Then he went to the leader of the next group and asked him the same question. Two was the reply.

"Two! All you installed were two?! The other group installed eleven!" The foreman exclaimed angrily.

"Yeah," the leader answered, "But you should have seen how much they left sticking out!"
 

Rated G :P

One day a secretary is leaving on her lunch break, and she notices her boss standing in front of a shredder with a clueless look on his face. The secretary walks up to him and asks if he needs help.
"Yes!" he says looking and sounding relieved, "This is very important."

Glad to help, she turns the shredder on and inserts the paper. Then her boss says, "Thanks, I only need one copy."
 

A lady went into a store and told the clerk that she wanted to return a blender for refund because it didn't work.

The clerk told her that he couldn't give her a refund because she bough tit on special.

All of a sudden the woman threw her arms up and yelled, "Grab my tits! Grab my tits!"

The clerk didn't know what to do, so he called the store manager
who asked her if he can help. She explained that she wanted to return the broken blender for refund.

He told her that he would not give her a refund because she bought the blender on special.

Once again she screams: "Grab my tits! Ohhh, grab my tits!"

The manager was taken aback and asked her why she was yelling that particular phrase.

She replied, "Because I like my tits grabbed when I'm getting screwed up the ass!"
 

A lady goes in to a store and askes for a half a head of lettuce. The clerk says, "We don't sell half heads of lettuce." She gets mad, and says, "Get me someone who will, you idiot." The clerk goes to get the manager; he does not notice the lady following him.

The clerks tells the manager, "A stupid bitch want to buy a half a head of lettuce..." Just then he notices the lady and continues, "... and this lady would like to buy the other half.

A variation of the same joke;

A guy is talking to his new boss, and mentions that; "I hate people from Wisconson. They are all either hockey players or assholes." The boss says, "My wife is from Wisconson!" The new guy says, "Oh.... what team did she play on..?"
 

A woman walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer tells her that the bank will need some kind of security for such a loan, so the woman hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce that's parked on the street in front of the bank.

Everything checks out, and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. An employee drives the Rolls Royce into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the woman returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer approaches her and says:

"We are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we're a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked out your accounts and found that you were a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"

"Well, where else in Manhattan can I park my car for two weeks for fifteen bucks?"
 

A magazine recently ran a "Dilbert quotes" contest.

They were looking for people to submit quotes from their real life Dilbert-type managers. Here are some of the submissions:

1. As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks. (This was the winning quote from Fred Dales at Microsoft Corp in Redmond, WA.)

2. What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter. (Lykes Lines Shipping)

3. E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business. (Accounting manager,Electric Boat Company)

4. This project is so important, we can't let things that are more important interfere with it. (Advertising/Marketingmanager, United Parcel Service)

5. Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule. No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks andI 'll let you know when it's time to tell them. (R&D supervisor,Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3M Corp.)

6. My Boss spent the entire weekend retyping a 25-page proposal that only needed corrections. She claims the disk I gave her was damaged and she couldn't edit it. The disk I gave her was write-protected. (CIO of Dell Computers)

7. Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing whatI' say."(Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)

8. "How About Friday?" My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my Boss, he said she died so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year.He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said,"That would be better for me." (Shipping executive, FTD Florists)

9. "We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees." (Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division)

10. We recently received a memo from senior management saying:"This is to inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the subject mentioned above." (Microsoft, LegalAffairs Division)

11. One day my Boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He said "If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!" (New business manager, Hallmark Greeting Cards.)

12. Speaking the Same Language: As director of communications, I was asked to prepare a memo reviewing our company's training programs and materials. In the body of the memo one of the sentences mentioned the "pedagogical approach" used by one of the training manuals. The day after I routed the memo to the executive committee, I was called into the HR director's office,and told that the executive vice president wanted me out of the building by lunch. When I asked why, I was told that she wouldn't stand for "perverts" (pedophilia?) working in her company. Finally he showed me her copy of the memo, with her demand that I be fired - and the word "pedagogical" circled in red. The HR manager was fairly reasonable, and once he looked the word up in his dictionary, and made a copy of the definition to send back to her, he told me not to worry. He would take care of it. Two days later a memo to the entire staff came out directing us that no words which could not be found in the local Sunday newspaper could be used in company memos. A month later, I resigned. In accordance with company policy, I created my resignation memo by pasting words together from the Sunday paper. (Taco Bell Corporation)

13. This gem is the closing paragraph of a nationally-circulated memo from a large communications company: "(Company name) is endeavorily determined to promote constant attention on current procedures of transacting business focusing emphasis on innovative ways to better, if not supersede, the expectations of quality!" (Lucent Technologies)
 

Three guys begin work at a toothbrush company as salesmen.

Each day, two of the guys sell twenty toothbrushes each, and the third guy consistently sells two hundred.

The other two guys are jealous, but they can't figure out his secret.

Then, one day, they run into him at the mall, where he's set up a tobacco dip sample table.

"This is your secret?" says the first guy.

"Try some dip," says the third.

They both take a little bit o' dip. "Ech!" says the second guy. "This tastes like shit!"

"It is shit. Would you like to buy a toothbrush?"
 

Pfizer Corp. (NYSE PFE) is making the announcement today that VIAGRA will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola (Pepsi Bottling Group NYSE PBG) as a power beverage suitable for use as-is, or as a mixer, under the name "Mount And Do".

Pepsi's proposed ad campaign suggests: "It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one."
 

HAIRCUTS Women's version:

Woman2: Oh! You got a haircut! That's so cute!

Woman1: Do you think so? I wasn't sure when she gave me the mirror. I mean, you don't think it's too fluffy looking?

Woman2: Oh God no! No, it's perfect. I'd love to get my hair cut like that, but I think my face is too wide. I'm pretty much stuck with this stuff I think.

Woman1: Are you serious? I think your face is adorable. And you could easily get one of those layer cuts - that would look so cute I think. I was actually going to do that except that I was afraid it would accent my long neck.

Woman2: Oh - that's funny! I would love to have your neck! Anything to take attention away from this two-by-four I have for a shoulder line.

Woman1: Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to have your shoulders. Everything drapes so well on you. I mean, look at my arms, see how short they are? If I had your shoulders I could get clothes to fit me so much easier.

Men's version: Man2: Haircut?
Man1: Yeah.
 

A crusty old man walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window, "I want to open a damn checking account."

To which the astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon,sir; I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?"

"Listen up, damn it. I said I want to open a damn checking account right now!"

"I'm very sorry sir, but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this bank."

So saying, the teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager to tell him about her situation. They both return and the manager asks the old geezer, "What seems to be the problem here?"

"There's no damn problem," the man says, "I just won 50 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to open a damn checking account in this damn bank!"

"I see," says the manager, "and this bitch is giving you a hard time?"
 

A businessman was in a great deal of trouble. His business was failing, he had put everything he had into the business, he owed everybody -- it was so bad he was even contemplating suicide.

As a last resort he went to a priest and poured out his story of tears and woe.

When he had finished, the priest said, "Here's what I want you to do: Put a beach chair and your Bible in your car and drive down to the beach.

Take the beach chair and the Bible to the water's edge, sit down in the beach chair, and put the Bible in your lap. Open the Bible; the wind will rifle the pages, but finally the open Bible will come to rest on a page.

Look down at the page and read the first thing you see. That will be your answer, that will tell you what to do."

A year later the businessman went back to the priest and brought his wife and children with him. The man was in a new custom-tailored suit, his wife in a mink coat, the children shining.

The businessman pulled an envelope stuffed with money out of his pocket, gave it to the priest as a donation in thanks for his advice.

The priest recognized the benefactor, and was curious. "You did as I suggested?" he asked.

"Absolutely," replied the businessman.

"You went to the beach?""Absolutely."

"You sat in a beach chair with the Bible in your lap?"

"Absolutely.""You let the pages rifle until they stopped?"

"Absolutely.""And what were the first words you saw?"

"Chapter 11."

 

MAHWAH, NJ - UPS ANNOUNCES SHIPPING METHOD REVAMP In a press conference today, James Kelly, Chairman and CEO of United Parcel Service (NYSE:UPS) announced a restructuring of their shipping methods.

Intent on following "truth in advertising" guidelines, UPS is now offering "UPS When We Feel Like It," "UPS Maybe Next Week" and "UPS Before You Die" services to replace their oft-disparaged "UPS Next Day Air," "UPS 2nd Day Air" and "UPS Ground" services.

 

New Interviewing Technique

Take the two prospective employees you are trying to place and put them in a room with only a table and two chairs. Leave them alone for two hours, without any instructions.

At the end of that time, go back and see what they are doing.If they are waving their arms around and talking out loud, send them to Consulting.

If they have taken the table apart, put them in Engineering.

If they are counting the butts in the ashtray, assign them to Finance.

If they are talking to the chairs, Personnel is good for them.

If they are wearing green sunglasses and need a haircut, Computer Information Systems is their niche.

If the room has a sweaty odor, perhaps they're destined for the Help Desk.

If they mention what a good price you got for the table and chairs, put them into Purchasing.

If they mention that hardwood furniture DOES NOT come from rainforests, Puplic Relations would suit them well.

If they are sleeping, they are Management material.

If they are writing up the experience, send them to the Technical Documents team.

If they don't even look up when you enter the room, assign them to Security.

If they try to tell you it's not as bad as it looks, send them to Marketing.
 

Stock Market Terms:

Bull Market - A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.

Bear Market - A 6 to 18-month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry and the husband gets no sex.

Momentum Investing - The fine art of buying high and selling low. Value Investing - The art of buying low and selling lower.

P/E ratio - The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the Market keeps crashing.

Broker - What my broker has made me.

"Buy, Buy" - A flight attendant making market recommendations as you step off the plane.

Standard & Poor - Your life in a nutshell.

Stock Analyst - Idiot who just downgraded your stock.

Stock split - When your ex-wife and her lawyer split all your assets equally between themselves.

Market Correction - What happens the day after you buy stocks.

Cash Flow - The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.

Yahoo - What someone yelled after selling it to you for $240 per share

Windows 2000 - What you jump out of when you're the sucker that bought Yahoo at $240 per share.

Institutional Investor - Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.
 

The Top 15 Advertising Catch Phrases That Didn't Catch On

15 We do chickens, right?

14 Come for the goat cheese. Stay for the pig's feet!

13 And bring your red-assed baboon!

12 A chestful o' carcinoma in every puff!

11 A wipe so clean you could eat between them!

10 Find a roach, win a bike!

9 Ding-dong... Diarrhea's here!

8 10,000 undertakers can't be wrong!
 

Jack's secretary walked into her boss's office and said, "I'm afraid I've got some bad news for you."

"Why do you always have to give me bad news?" Jack whined.

"Tell me some good news for once."

"Alright, here's some good news," said the secretary. "You're not sterile."
 

Uptown Willie applied for a job in an office.

After the interview, he left and hooked up with his homies.

One asked, "How'd it go?"

Uptown answered, "First part was smooth. But den she wanted to see my testimonials.

So I showed 'em and she freaked. There went da job."

 

The next day, when he went to the men's room, he looked at the sign and right below, immediately above the soap dispenser, someone had carefully lettered another sign which read---"THOAP!"
 

After dinner he sketched two dancers and she was delighted. They went to several nightclubs, drank champagne, danced and had a glorious evening. It had
gotten quite late when she motioned for the pencil and drew a picture of a four-poster bed.

He was dumbfounded. To this day says that he's never been able to understand how she knew he was in the furniture business.
 

Dividing into 10 groups of three, the only rule was they had to use past ad slogans that captured the essence ofViagra. About 7 minutes later they turned in their
suggestions and created a "Top Ten List."

After all the laughter and camaraderie, the rest of the week went very well for everyone.

10. Viagra, It's "Whaazzzzz Up!"

9. Viagra, The quicker pecker upper.

8. Viagra, Like a rock!

7. Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there tonight.

6. Viagra, Be all that you can be.

5. Viagra, Reach out and touch someone.

4. Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.

3. Viagra, Tastes great!....More filling!

2. Viagra, We bring good things to life!

And the unanimous number one slogan:

1. This is your penis. This is your penis on drugs. Any questions?
 

Morris had just been hired as the new CEO of a large firm. The previous CEO met with him privately and presented him with three numbered envelopes: #1, #2, and #3. "Open these if you run up against a problem you don't think you can solve," the departing CEO said.

Well, things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later, sales took a downturn, and Morris was really catching a lot of heat. About at his wit's end, he remembered the envelopes. He went to his drawer and took out the first envelope.

The message read, "Blame your predecessor."Morris, the new CEO called a press conference and tactfully laid the blame at the feet of the previous CEO. Satisfied with his comments, the press -- and Wall Street - responded positively, sales began to pick upand the problem was soon behind him.

About a year later, the company was again experiencing a slight dip in sales, combined with serious product problems. Having learned from his previous experience, the CEO quickly opened the second envelope. The message read, "Reorganize."

This he did, and the company quickly rebounded. After several consecutive profitable quarters, the company once again fell on difficult times. Morris went to his office, closed the door and opened the third envelope.

The message read:"Prepare three envelopes!"
 

Corporate Growth

In the beginning there was the Plan.

And then came the Assumptions.

And the Assumptions were without form.

And the Plan was without substance.

And darkness was upon the face of the workers.

And the Workers spoke amongst themselves, saying, "This is a crock full of shit and it stinks."

And the Workers went unto their Supervisors and said, "It is a pail of dung, and we can't live with the smell."

And the Supervisors went unto their Managers, saying, "It is a container of excrement, and it is very strong, such that none may abide by it."

And the Managers went unto their Directors, saying, "It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none may abide it's strength."

And the Directors spoke amongst themselves, saying to one another, "It contains that which aids plant growth, and it is very strong."

And the Directors went to the Vice Presidents, saying unto them, "It : promotes growth and it is! very powerful."

And the Vice Presidents went to the President, saying unto him, "This new plan will actively promote the growth and vigor of the company with very powerful effects."

And the President looked upon the Plan and saw that is was good.

And the Plan became Policy.

And that, my friends, is how shit happens.

When the man asked his widower father why he'd married a young nymphomaniac whom he could never satisfy, instead of a woman his own age, the old man said:

"Son, I'd rather have ten percent of a good business than a hundred percent interest in a bankrupt one."
 

A middle-aged executive was becoming increasingly irritated by the constant ribbing he was taking from the junior employees who couldn't resist making fun of his baldness.

One morning, a particularly brash trainee had the gall to run his hand across the older man's gleaming head while loudly exclaiming: "Feels just like my wife's ass."

With a look of genuine curiosity, the aging executive rubbed his hand across his head."You're right," he said, "it does..."
 

According to the papers, K-Mart stock has dropped 11% because of bad reports by stock analysts.

Apparently, the stock is now so cheap you can only buy it in K-Mart.
 

A well-stacked young advertising secretary wore tight knit dresses that showed off her figure, especially when she walked.

Her young, aggressive boss motioned her into his office one afternoon and closed the door. Pointing to her tightly covered derriere, he asked, "Is that for sale?"

"Of course not!" she snapped angrily, blushing furiously.

Unchanged, he replied quietly, "Then, I suggest you quit advertising it."

 

It was nearly 7 o'clock when an employee walked into a
restaurant after working overtime for a demanding and
demeaning supervisor. As he was being led to his table,
he noticed his supervisor at another table arguing with
the waiter about his order. Finally, the waiter turned
and headed toward the bar.
As he was returning to the supervisor's table with a
drink, the employee stopped him saying,
"Here's $20.00 in it if you will spit in that drink."

With a somewhat puzzled look, the waiter replied,
"Again?"

 

While vacationing in the hills of Alabama, the big city man discovered that he had no writing paper at all
for his personal correspondence.

He went into the small town nearby and found only an old-fashioned country store. Behind the counter was a really nice looking young lass, quite obviously a
local farm girl.

He asked, "Do you keep stationery?"

"Well," she giggled, "I can...until I have an orgasm, then I just go plain wild and crazy!"

A woman in our town retired after many years as a sales clerk at a local department store.

Wishing to plan ahead, she discussed her memorial arrangments with a funeral-director colleague of my husband.

"When the time comes," she stated, "I want my casket to be closed during the service."

Curious, the funeral-director asked why she was so adamant about this.

She replied, "Because, I'm tired of people coming
in just to look."
 

Death and Taxes

A businessman on his deathbed called his friend and said, "Bill, I want you to promise me that when I die you will have my remains cremated."

"And what," his friend asked, "do you want me to do with your ashes?"

The businessman said, "Just put them in an envelope and mail them to the Internal Revenue Service and write on the envelope, 'Now you have everything'.
 

"A Flag As A Tax Symbol?"

A visitor from Holland was chatting with his American friend and was jokingly explaining about the red, white and blue in the Netherlands flag.

"Our flag symbolizes our taxes," he said. "We get red when we talk about them, white when we get our tax bill, and blue after we pay them.

"Oh, that's the same with us," nodded the American, "Only we see
stars, too!"

 

A customer at Morris' Gourmet Grocery marveled atthe proprietor's quick wit and intelligence.

"Tell me, Green, what makes you so smart?"

"I wouldn't share my secret with just anyone," Morrisreplies, lowering his voice so the other shopperswon't hear. "But since you're a good and faithfulcustomer, I'll let you in on it. Fish heads. You eatenough of them, you'll be positively brilliant."

"You sell them here?" the customer asks.

"Only $4 apiece," says Morris.

The customer buys three. A week later, he's back inthe store complaining that the fish heads weredisgusting and he isn't any smarter.

"You didn't eat enough, " says Morris. The customergoes home with 20 more fish heads. Two weeks later,he's back and this time he's really angry.

"Hey, Morris," he says, "You're selling me fish headsfor $4 apiece when I just found out I can buy thewhole fish for $2....You're ripping me off!"

"You see?" says Morris. "You're smarter already."

When Peters learned that he was being fired, he went to see the head of human resources. "Since I've been with the firm for so long," he said, "I think I deserve at
least a letter of recommendation."

The human resources director agreed and said he'd have the letter that next day. The following morning, Peters found the letter on his desk. It read, "Jonathan Peters worked for our company for eleven years. When he left us, we were very satisfied."

A man wanted to arrange for the disposal of a $5,000 bond, so he called his bank.

"Is the bond for redemption or conversion?" asked the clerk.

The man paused. "Well, am I talking to the First National Bank or the First Baptist Church?"

One day a gentleman walked into one of Ben Franklin's book stores. As one of the clerks went to assist him, the gentleman asked the clerk the price of the book he wished to purchase. The young clerk looked at theprice posted on the book and said, "That book is one dollar, sir."

The gentleman began to haggle with the clerk over the price. The clerk assured him that the correct price for
the book was one dollar and no lower. As the man realized that his efforts to haggle with the clerk were going nowhere, he insisted on speaking with Ben Franklin directly.

Franklin stopped his work, walked out to the storefront
and the gentleman asked, "What is the price of this book?"

Franklin answered,"One dollar and a quarter." The gentleman was confused and replied,"Your clerk just said it was a dollar."

Franklin picked up the book and answered, "Yes, it was a dollar. But now you're wasting my time."

Bank Notice of Overdraft:

We hate to be the ones to say But you've overdrawn another day.

Your funds are gone, your account is too,Does the word "deposit" ring a bell with you?

This letter is not meant to inform or harass. But to get to the point, you're a pain in the ass.

It's obvious your balance doesn't phase you a bit, Cause you keep writing checks that aren't worth a shit.

So we're telling you now that our friendship is through, plus a couple more things that we're planning to do.

We are telling everyone how worthless you are, We are taking your house, your wife, and your car.

We are going to court to get back our funds,and when we are through we will have nailed your buns!

And in conclusion, we simply must say:

"THANKS FOR BANKING WITH US AND HAVE A NICE DAY!"


 

We hate to be the ones to say but you've overdrawn another day.

Your funds are gone, your account is too, does the word "deposit" ring a bell with you?

This letter is not meant to inform or harass,but to get to the point, you're a pain in the ass.

It's obvious your balance doesn't phase you a bit, cause you keep writing checks that aren't worth a shit.

So we're telling you now that our friendship is through plus a couple more things that we're planning to do.

We are telling everyone how worthless you are, we are taking your house, your wife, and your car.

We are going to court to get back our funds,and when we are through we will have nailed your buns!

In conclusion, we simply must say:

"THANKS FOR BANKING WITH US AND HAVE A NICE DAY!"

One day an employee came into work with both of his ears bandaged. His boss asked him what happened to his ears. "Yesterday I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang and I accidentally answered the iron instead of the phone!"

"Well," the boss said, "that explains one ear, but what about the other?"

"They called back!"
 

The boss called in Bill, his star salesman and said, "I notice on your last expense report you entered '$50 for women' I don't really mind you having a good time and entertaining our clients, but you should be more discrete. From now on list those expenses as being for hunting."

After that, the Bill's expense account regularly included items of "$50 for hunting." But then one month the first entry read, "$300 for cleaning rifle."
 

I have a reputation at work for being a strict boss.One day I was in the break room with another manager.

I reached ino the refrigerator for my lunch, which was packed in a Ace Hardware paper bag.

My co-worker stopped in mid-bite and stared at me, looking a little tense. When I pulled my sandwich outof the bag, he sighed in relief.

"What's the matter?" I asked him.

"Uh, nothing," he replied. "I was just beginning tothink you really DO eat nails for lunch."
 

Taken from Readers Digest -May 2002 Contributed by Doris Sullivan.

Mind Your Business

Business owners in Palm Sprongs, California, area came up with sxome lively names for their shops:

* Fan Diego (Ceiling Fans)

* Humphrey Yogart (Frozen Yogurt

* Floral & Hearty (Florist)

* We've Got It Mail (Cleaning Service)

* You Dirty Dog (Pet Grooming)

 

A city slicker moves to the country and decides he's going to take up farming.

He heads to the local co-op and tells the man, "Give me 100 baby chickens."

The co-op man complies.

A week later the man returns and says, "Give me 200 baby chickens."

The co-op man complies.

Again, a week later the man returns. This time he says, "Give me 500 baby chickens."

"Wow!" the co-op man replies. "You must really be doing well!"

"Naw," said the man with a sigh. "I'm either planting them too deep or too far apart!"

Four insurance companies are in competition.One comes up with the slogan "Coverage from the cradle to the grave."

The Second one tries to improve on that with"Coverage from the womb to the tomb."

Not to be outdone, the third one comes up with"Coverage from the sperm to the worm."

The fourth insurance company really thought hard andalmost gave up the race, but finally came up with"Coverage from the erection to the resurrection"
 

The personnel office received an e-mail requesting a listing of the department staff broken down by age and sex. The personnel office sent this reply...

"Attached is a list of our staff. We currently have no one broken down by age or sex. However, we have a few alcoholics."

The CEO was scheduled to give the keynote address at an important convention so he asked one of his top employees, Goldberg, to write a punchy, 20 minute speech for him.

When the CEO returned from the big event, he was furious. "What's the idea of writing me an hour long speech?!" he demanded. "Half the audience walked out before I was finished."

Goldberg was baffled. "I wrote you a 20 minute speech," he replied. "I also gave you the two extra copies you asked for."
 

A young man was applying for a job in a big company. "I'm sorry," said the personnel manager, "but the firm is overstaffed; we have more employees now than we really need."

"That's all right," replied the young man, undiscouraged, "the little bit of work I do wouldn't be noticed.

 

The boss came early in the morning one day and found his manager screwing his secretary.

He shouted at him, "Is this what I pay you for?"

The manager replied: "No, sir, this I do free of charge."

An influential Londoner wound up a business trip to the Orient with a visit to Taipei.

At a luncheon he was asked to say a few words.

Since he spoke not a word of Chinese, his address was to be translated by an interpreter sentence by sentence.

"I want you to know," he began, "I'm tickled to death to be asked here today."

A look of panicked confusion appeared on the interpreter's face. "This poor man," he said in Chinese, "Scratches himself until he dies, only to be with you today."
 

Two car salesmen were sitting at the bar.

One complained to the other, "Boy, business sucks. If I don't sell more cars this month, I'm going to lose my fucking ass."

Too late, he noticed a beautiful blonde sitting two stools away. Immediately, he apologized for his bad language.

"That's okay," the blonde replied, "If I don't sell more ass this month, I'm going to lose my fucking car."
 

A construction worker on the 3rd floor of a building needs a handsaw so he sees another man on the 1st floor. He yells down to him, but he can't hear, so he does sign language. He points at his eye meaning "I", points at his knee meaning "need", and moves his hand back and forth in a handsaw motion.

The man on the 1st floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, and starts masturbating.

The man on the 3rd floor gets so angry he runs down to the 1st floor and says, "What the hell is wrong with you dumbass? I said I need handsaw!!"

The other guy says, "I knew that, I was just trying to tell you I'm coming."


 

"I have to have a raise," the man said to his boss. "There are three other companies after me."

"Is that so?" asked the manager. "What other companies are after you?"

"The electric company, the telephone company, and the gas company.
 

"Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his employees. "Yes sir," the employee replied.

"Well, then, that makes everything just fine," the boss went on. "After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you."
 

The teenage girl was applying for a part time job after school.
During the interview, she was asked: "What was your last
position?"

Without hesitation, she replied, "Missionary."

 

1. Whenever possible, please keep us late. We have no homes to go to and are only too thankful to spend the evening here.

2. Send us out to cash your checks and buy stamps in all weather. Walking is exhilarating and as we sit down all day, the exercise does us good.

3. Do walk out of the office without telling us where you are going or how long you might be. We enjoy telling people who wish to contact you urgently that we have no idea where you are or when you will return.

4. When dictating, please parade up and down the room and practice your golf strokes, or better still, walk out of the room. We can understand what is said more distinctly.

5. Please lower your voice to a whisper when dictating names of people and places. Under no circumstances spell them to us. We are sure to hit the right way sooner or later.

6. Should a letter require a slight alteration after it is typed,score the word heavily through about four times and write the correct word beside it, preferably in ink or felt - tip pen. Always make the alteration on the top copy.

7. Please dictate a paragraph and change your mind, with the corrected version following, particularly when using dictating equipment. It adds variety to our typing.

8. Hours for dictation: during the lunch hour, or any time after 4:30 p.m.

9. should you wish to write out a letter or report, please write with a blunt pencil using the left hand, and use plenty of arrows,balloons and other diagrams.

10. Remember when asking us to place a long distance call, you must be very fast on your feet to get out of the office before the call comes through.

11. If possible, always pick up your calls on your secretary's phone. This ensures that we cannot pick up calls for any other people on our own phones. It also helps keep us company. We miss you during the day.

12. When you have given us a rush project, be sure to use your intercom line frequently, or call us at regular intervels of 60 seconds to ask us to get minor items and to go for coffee.

13. If you are being paged, please ignore it. We usually have no particular reason for wanting to locate you and enjoy hunting you down or taking messages that never get called back.

14. Please do interrupt us while we are apeaking on the telephone. We have two ears, so we might as well use both of them at the same time.
 

A large corporation owner was dying, and on his deathbed told his
grieving wife, "Darling, when I'm gone I want to be cremated."

His wife tearfully asked him why he wanted his body turned to ashes and where he wanted them to be placed.

"I want you to scatter them everywhere in the I.R.S office, and
then hand them a note, saying 'Now you have EVERYTHING I had!'"

A man worked in a post office. His job was to process all mail that had illegible addresses. One day a letter came to his desk, addressed in shaky handwriting, to God.

He thought, "I better open this one and see what it's all about." So he opened it. It read,

"Dear God, I am an 83 year old widow living on a very small pension.
Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had a hundred dollars in it which was all the money I had until my next pension check. Next Sunday is Easter, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I won't be able to buy the food. I have no family to turn to.You are my only hope. Can you please help me?"

The postal worker was touched, and went around showing the letter to all the others. Each of them dug into his wallet and came up with a few dollars.

By the time he made the rounds, he had collected 96 dollars. They put it into an envelope and sent it over to her. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of the nice thing they had done.

Easter came and went, and a few days later came another letter from the old lady to God.

All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.

It read, "Dear God, How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me?

Because of your generosity, I was able to fix a lovely dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day, and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.

By the way, there were 4 dollars missing. It was no doubt those thieving bastards at the post office."

Breaking News.....

Arthur Andersen to Change Name CHICAGO, IL

- Inspired by the success of Philip Morris' name change to Altria last year, sources at Arthur Andersen say they plan to change their corporate name as well.

"It used to be, Philip Morris was practically synonymous with lung cancer,"says Rich Anduwrnot, Andersen's Director of Public Imagery. "These days, if you ask anyone what Altria makes, they haven't got a clue. It's a great way to ditch bad publicity."

The new name is likely to be "Shredvidence," according to anonymous sources.
 

- Worldcom chairman and CEO John Sidgmore announced today that Worldcom has found the missing 3.8 billion dollars that had forced it into bankruptcy.

"It was just a simple mistake," said Sidgmore, "it could have happened to anyone."

According to company spokesmen, the missing money had simply fallen behind the cushion in the couch. Cleaning person Anna Mabitt discovered the misplaced billions when she moved the cushion to vaccuum.

"Boy was I surprised!" said Mrs. Mabit, 48. "I never seen thatmuch money before. I called Earl, my husband, and he says I should keep it, but I figured I better turn it in - better to have a steady job than a little extra cash, I always said."
 

This man walks into a book shop.

He asks the clerk, "Can I have a book by Shakespear?"

The clerk says. "Of course, sir. Which one?"

The man replies, "William."
 

The interviewer examined the job application then turned to the prospective employee: I see you have put ASAP down for a date you are available to start, meaning as soon as possible', of course. However I also see that you have put AMAP down for required salary. I don't believe I've ever seen that before. What does that mean?

The applicant replied, "As much as possible."
 

PERFORMANCE (WORK) TERMS:

1. GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS---Spends lots of time on phone.

2. AVERAGE EMPLOYEE---Not too bright.

3. EXCEPTIONALLY WELL QUALIFIED --Made no major blunders yet.

4. WORK IS FIRST PRIORITY---Too ugly to get a date.

5. ACTIVE SOCIALLY---Drinks a lot.
6. FAMILY IS ACTIVE SOCIALLY---Spouse drinks, too.

7. INDEPENDENT WORKER --Nobody knows what he/she does.

8. QUICK THINKING---offers plausible excuses.

9. CAREFUL THINKER---Won't make a decision.

10. AGGRESSIVE---Obnoxious.

11. USES LOGIC ON DIFFICULT JOBS---Gets someone else to do it.

12. EXPRESSES THEMSELVES WELL---Speaks English.

13. METICULOUS ATTENTION TO DETAIL---A nit picker.

14. HAS LEADERSHIP QUALITIES---Is tall or had a loud voice.

15. EXCEPTIONALLY GOOD JUDGMENT---Lucky.

16. KEEN SENSE OF HUMOR---Knows a lot of dirty jokes.

17. CAREER MINDED---Back Stabber.

18. LOYAL---Can't get a job anywhere else.

 

A man wanted an attack dog to protect his business, so he visited a kennel that specialized in attack dogs. The man explained to the kennel owner that he wanted the biggest,meanest, most vicious dog in the kennel, and the owner offered to take the man on a tour of the premises.

After they had been walking for a few minutes, they came upon a large dog. He was snarling loudly and biting and clawing at the cage.

"He looks like he'd be a pretty good attack dog," said the buyer.

"Well, he's not bad," replied the owner, "but I have something better in mind for you."

They continued walking around the premises, and after a while they found an even larger,meaner dog than the first. He snarled at the two men and tried to bite them through the wire on his cage.

"Ah," said the buyer. "This must be the dog you were referring to
earlier."

"Well, no." said the owner. "I have something better in mind for you."

The men continued their tour. Eventually, they came upon a fairly large dog that was lying quietly on his side, licking his ass.He did not seem to notice as the men approached.

"This is the dog I had in mind for you," said the owner.

The buyer was flabbergasted. "You're joking!" he exclaimed.

"This dog seems quite tame; he doesn't act at all like an attack dog at all. Hell, he's just lying there, licking his ass!"

"I know, I know," said the owner. "But you see, he just ate a lawyer, and he's trying to get the taste out of his mouth."

 

Human Resource Lingo

"COMPETITIVE SALARY"
We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

"JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY"
We have no time to train you.

"CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE"
We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up.

"MUST BE DEADLINE-ORIENTED"
You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.

"SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED"
Some time each night and some time each weekend.

"DUTIES WILL VARY"
Anyone in the office can boss you around.

"MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL"
We have no quality control.

"CAREER-MINDED"
Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way).

"APPLY IN PERSON"
If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told the position has been filled.

"NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE"
We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.

"SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE"
You'll need it to replace three people who just left.

"PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST"
You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.

"REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS"
You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.

"GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS"
Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.


 

Q: What's the difference between a waitress and a toilet seat ?

A: A toilet seat only deals with one asshole at a time.
 

A little boy goes up to a construction site where a new house is being built.

When the carpenter picks up his saw the little boy says my dad has two of those.

He picks up his hammer and the little boy says my dad has two of those.

This goes on all morning.Every thing the carpenter picks up the little boy says my dad has two of those.

After lunch the carpenter goes around to the back of the house to take a leak.As he is doing his business the little boy walks up.

The carpenter says let me guess your dad has two of these.

The little boy says no but he's got one that would make two of that one.
 

My boss wanted a "Clean Desk" policy, so he sent a memo saying that any paper left on desks would be removed at night and we would have to fill-out a form to get it back.

So we left all our garbage paper on our desks every night.

In a week, the boss had an office full of garbage and we never heard about the policy again.

 

LINES FROM ACTUAL RESUMES:

1. I have lurnt WordPerfect 6.0 computer and spreadsheat
programs.

2. Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year.

3. Reason for leaving last job: Maturity leave.

4. Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial
institutions.

5. Failed bar exam with relatively high grades.

6. It's best for employers that I not work with people.

7. Let's meet, so you can "ooh" and "aah" over my experience.

8. You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time.

9. Am a perfectionist and rarely if ever forget details.

10. I was working for my mom until she decided to move.

11. Marital status: Single. Unmarried. Unengaged.
Uninvolved. No committments.

12. I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse.

13. My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no
training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock
brokerage.

14. I procrastinate, expecially when the task is unpleasant.

15. Personal interests: Donating blood. Fourteen gallons so
far.

16. Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as "job-hopping."
"I have never quit a job."
17. Marital Status: Often. Children: Various

18. Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all
employees get to work by 8:45 every morning. Could
not work under those conditions.

19. The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three
previous employers.

20. Finished eighth in my class of ten.

 

Myrddin had gotten a part time job at the Post Office and the
supervisor there had been warned that he was somewhat of a dullard, but the supervisor took a liking to him and agreed to let Myrddin help him. If nothing else, he would be an extra set of hands.

The supervisor gives Myrddin the job of sorting, and much to
everyone's surprise, Myrddin separated the letters so fast that his motions were literally a blur. Extremely pleased by this, the supervisor approached Myrddin at the end of the day.

"I just want you to know," he said, "that we're all very proud of you. You're one of the fastest workers we have ever had."

"Thank you," said Myrddin, "and tomorrow I'll try to do even better."

"Better?" the supervisor asked with astonishment. "How can you
possibly do better?"

Myrddin replied, "Tomorrow I am going to read the addresses."

 

A woman passenger in a horse-drawn cab has offered the driver a large tip if he can deliver her to her destination in a hurry.

However, she is horrified at the cruel whipping the driver is giving the horse to make him go faster.

"My good man, is there no other way you could urge the horse along?" she asks.

"Yessum," the cab driver cheerfully replies, "but, I've got to save his balls for the hill!"
 

One of the most successful inventors of all time was the man
who invented the hay-bailing machine.

Needless to say, he made a bundle.

Mr. Allen, a high-powered executive trying to impress a client in his office flipped on his intercom switch and barked to his secretary,
"Miss Hunter, get my broker!"

The client was impressed until he heard the secretary's clear voice saying, "Yes sir, stock or pawn!"

 

There were two Irishmen walking along looking for jobs, when they came across a sign saying:

"TREE FELLERS WANTED"

"Ohh, to be sure. Too be sure!" said one.
"What a shame there are only the two of us!"

 

A man goes into his local building supply store and orders 10,000 bricks.

"May I inquire what you're building?" asks the man behind the counter.

"It's going to build a barbecue."

"Wow, that's a lot of bricks for one barbecue."

"Not really, I live on the 12th floor, you see."

 

During a staff meeting one time, a really pert and pretty female engineer told the manager of the division, "I'd like to get
something off my chest."

"What's that?" he asked.

"Your eyes!" she replied.

 

A guy goes into a hardware store. He flags down an employee and asks him for a file.

The employee points to a file at the right side of the cabinet, "You want that bastard?"

"No," says the customer.

The employee points to a file at the left side of the cabinet,"You want that bastard?"

"No," says the customer.

"Well, what do you want?"

The customer points to a file in the middle. "I want that son-of-a-bitch right there."

 

I was at the store the other day when the manager nabbed a shoplifter in the act. He was escorting the suspect to the officewhen the shoplifter broke away and tried to run.

After a scuffle, the manager pinned the guy against the wall.He looked up to see a number of surprised customers staring at him.

"It's ok, folks, everything's fine," he reassured them."This guy just tried going through the express line with more than nine items."

 

Morris, a parts manager for a small electronics shop, had occasion to order part No. 669 from the factory. But when he received it he noticed that someone had sent part No. 699 instead.

Furious at the factory's incompetence, Morris promptly sent the part back along with a letter giving them a piece of his mind.

Less than a week later, he received the same part back with a letter containing just five words: "MORRIS TURN THE BOX OVER."

 

The president of Amtrak has resigned. The news was something the train company is not used to.

An early departure.

 

Andy Rooney On Phone-In-Polls:

You know those shows where people call in and vote on different issues?

Did you ever notice there's always like 18% that say "I don't know." It costs 90 cents to call up and vote and they're voting "I don't know."

Honey, I feel very strongly about this. Give me the phone. (Says into
phone) "I DON'T KNOW!" (Hangs up looking proud.) Sometimes you have to stand up for what you believe you're not sure about."

This guy probably calls up phone sex girls for $2.95 to say, "I'm not in the mood."
 

A railroad worker was cutting the grass away from the edge of the line as a train was coming in his direction.

He dropped all his tools and ran down the line as fast as he could.
The next thing he knew, he was waking up in a hospital.

A policeman asked him why didn't you just run up the grassy
hill to safety.

"What chance did I have of out running up the hill if I couldn't outrun it on level ground?"

 

An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn't happen today.

 

An insurance salesman was getting nowhere in his efforts to sell a policy to a farmer. "Look at it this way." he said finally. "How would your wife carry on if you should die?"

"Well..." drawled the weather-beaten man, "I don't reckon that'd be any concern of mine -- long as she behaves herself while I'm alive."
 

A man traveling in southern Indiana was headed for the Kentucky
border...when he saw a large sign... "LAST CHANCE FOR $1.25 GAS!!!"

He still had more than a quarter of a tank left, but figured he'd
better take advantage of this opportunity to fill-up his tank.

As he was getting his change from the attendant, he asked, "How much is gas in Kentucky?"

The attendant replied, "$1.10..."

 

Freddy got tired of being a taxidermist after 15 years, and went to veterinarian school.

His new business never got off the ground so he decided to operate both his taxidermy and vet business together to save money.

His new slogan was: "No Matter What Happens - You Get Your Pet Back!"

 

Rick, fresh out of accounting school, went to a interview for a good paying job. The company boss asked various questions about him and his education, but then asked him, "What is three times seven?"

"22," Rick replied. After he left, he double-checked it on his calculator (he *knew* he should have taken it to the interview!) and realised he wouldn't get the job.

About two weeks later, he got a letter that said he was hired for the job! He was not one to look a gift horse in the mouth, but was still very curious. The next day, he went in and asked why he got the job,
even though he got such a simple question wrong. The boss shrugged and said, "Well, you were the closest..."

"Sir, What is the secret of your success?" a reporter asked a bank president.

"Two words"

"And, Sir, what are they?"

"Right decisions."

"And how do you make right decisions?"

"One word."

"And, What is that?"

"Experience."

"And how do you get Experience?"

"Two words"

"And, Sir, what are they?"

"Wrong decisions"
 

Business ideas that somehow failed...

GERIATRIC CITY
Quality housing for older citizens that couldn't attract retirees, despite the mirrored bedroom ceilings, the hot tubs, the adjacent burial plots and other amenities.

PUMP AND HUMP
A Nevada brothel that offered self-service gasoline to its customers.

STICKY WICKETS
Preowned erotica for sale at attractive discount prices.

HAIR AND NOW
Fast, inexpensive hair replacement using cat fur and thumb tacks.

PARADISE LOST AND FOUND
A gynecological clinic franchise specializing in "50,000 mile tune-ups."

UNIX FOR HIRE
A computer consulting firm that just couldn't build a long-term customer base.

IN THE CLOSET
A line of closet organizers that never caught on with young marrieds and new homeowners.

SCRATCH AND SNIFF
A new medication for hemorrhoids...available in all your favorite
fragrances.

 

Bosses are like legs.

When they get to the top, they become asses.

 

THINGS YOU'D LOVE TO SAY AT WORK, BUT CAN'T

1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shit.

2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to
pronounce.

3. How about never? Is never good for you?

4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in
public. This is good!

5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it
my way.

6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're
saying.

10. Ahhh...I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again...

11. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

13. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.

14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique
point of view.

17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an
artist.

18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely
coincidental.

19. What am I? Fly paper for freaks!?

20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.

22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

23. And your crybaby whiny-butt opinion would be...? BINGO!

24. Do I look like a people person?

25. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

26. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.

27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?

29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

30. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

31. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

32. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

33. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?

34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

35. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

36. Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.

37. How do I set a laser printer to stun?


 

A worker was called on the carpet by his supervisor for talking back to his foreman.

"Is it true that you called him a liar?

"Yes, I did."

"Did you call him stupid?"

Yes."

"And did you call him an opinionated, egomaniac asshole?"

"No, but would you write that down so I can remember it?"
 

Much to his surprise, the foreman of a match factory was informed
that he was going to be awarded the coveted Congressional Medal
of Honor.

"Thank you," he said to the government official, "but why have I
been singled out for this honor?"

"Because you're a typical American worker who helped avert a
disaster."

"I did?"

"Yes. Last week a terrorist tried to start a fire at a nuclear power plant in Pennsylvania. He didn't succeed."

"I still don't understand," said the foreman.

The official explained, "The matches failed to light."

 

George Costanza's Tips for Working Hard

1. Never walk down the hall without a document in your hands. People with documents in their hands look like hardworking employees heading for important meetings. People with nothing in their hands look like they're heading for the cafeteria. People with a newspaper in their hand look like they're heading for the toilet. Above all, make sure you carry loads of stuff home with you at night, thus generating the false impression that you work
longer hours than you do.

2. Use computers to look busy. Any time you use a computer, it looks like "work" to the casual observer. You can send and receive personal e-mail, calculate your finances and generally have a blast without doing anything remotely related to work. These aren't exactly the societal benefits that the proponents of the computer revolution would like to talk about but they're not bad either. When you get caught by your boss -and you *will* get caught - your best defence is to claim you're teaching yourself to use new software, thus saving valuable training dollars.

3. Messy desk. Top management can get away with a clean desk. For the rest of us, it looks like you're not working hard enough. Build huge piles of documents around your workspace. To the observer, last year's work looks the same as today's work; it's volume that counts. Pile them high and wide. If you know somebody is coming to your cubicle, bury the document you'll need halfway down in an existing stack and rummage for it when he/she arrives.

4. Voice Mail. Never answer your phone if you have voice mail. People don't call you just because they want to give you something for nothing - they call because they want YOU to do work for THEM. That's no way to live. Screen all your calls through voice mail. If somebody leaves a voice mail message for you and it sounds like impending work, respond during lunch hour when you know they're not there - it looks like you're hardworking and conscientious even though you're being a devious weasel. If you diligently employ the method of screening incoming calls and then returning calls when nobody is there, this will greatly increase the odds that the caller will give up or look for a solution that doesn't involve you. The sweetest voice mail message you can ever hear is: "Ignore my last message. I took care of it". If your voice mailbox has a limit on the number of messages it can hold, make sure you reach that limit frequently. One way to do that is to never erase any incoming messages. If that takes too long, send yourself a few messages. Your callers will hear a recorded message that says, "Sorry, this mailbox is full"; - a sure sign that you are a hardworking employee in high demand.

5. Looking Impatient and Annoyed. According to George Costanza, one should also always try to look impatient and annoyed to give your bosses the impression that you are always busy.

6. Appear to Work Late. Always leave the office late, especially when the boss is still around. You could read magazines and storybooks that you always wanted to read, but have no time until late before leaving. Make sure you walk past the boss' room on your way out. Send important emails at unearthly hours (e.g. 9:35pm, 7:05am, etc...) and during public holidays.

7. Creative Sighing for Effect. Sigh loudly when there are many people around, giving the impression that you are very hard pressed.

8. Stacking Strategy. It is not enough to pile lots of documents on the table. Put lots of books on the floor etc. . . . Can always borrow from library. Thick computer manuals are the best.

9. Build Vocabulary. Read up on some computer magazines and pick out all the jargon and new products. Use it freely when in conversation with bosses. Remember: They don't have to understand what you say, but you sure sound impressive.

10. * MOST IMPORTANTLY: DON'T forward this to your boss by mistake!!!

Ad as appeared on a West Coast newspaper:

Businessman with two penises looking for bilingual secretary.

 

The boss returned from lunch in a good mood and called the whole staff in to listen to a couple of jokes he had picked up. Everybody but one woman laughed uproariously.Used to having a better audience, his good mood quickly faded.

"What's the matter?" grumbled the boss. "Didn't you get the joke?"

"I don't have to laugh," she said. "I'm quitting Friday."

 

Many years ago, a rich oil tycoon was becoming angry as he had 6
children, all girls, and therefore had no son and heir.

Imagine his joy when his wife finally presented him with his only son and heir. He immediately named him Johnny after his father!

Just before Little Johnny's sixth birthday, the tycoon took him to one side and said, "Son, I am very proud of you. Anything you want, I shall get for you."

Little Johnny replied, "Daddy, I would like to have my own airplane."

Not wanting to do anything halfway, his father bought him American Airlines.

Just before Little Johnny's seventh birthday, the tycoon took him to one side. "Son, you are my pride and joy. Anything you want, I shall get for you."

Little Johnny replied, "Daddy, I would like a boat."

Not wanting to do anything halfway, his father bought him Princess
Cruise Lines.

Just before Little Johnny's eighth birthday, the tycoon took him to one side. "Son, you bring so much happiness into my life. Anything you want, I shall get for you."

Little Johnny replied, "Daddy, I would like to be able to watch
cartoons."

Not wanting to do anything halfway, his father bought him Disney
Studios and their theaters, where he watched all his favorite
cartoons.

Just before Little Johnny's ninth birthday, the tycoon took him to one side. "Son, you are an inspiration to us all. Anything you want, I shall get for you."

Little Johnny, who had really gotten into the Disney cartoons, replied, "Daddy, I would like a Mickey Mouse outfit."

Not wanting to do anything halfway, his father went and bought him
Microsoft.

The store manager overheard a clerk saying to a customer, "No Ma'am, we haven't had any for some weeks now, and it doesn't look like we will be geting any soon."

Alarmed the manager rushed over to the customer who was walking out the door and said, "That isn't true ma'am. Of course we will have some soon. In fact, we placed an order for it a couple of weeks ago."

The the manager drew the clerk aside and growled, never, never, never, never say we don't have something. If we don't have it, say we ordered it and it's on it's way. Now, What was it she wanted?"

"Rain."
 

STOCK MARKET EXPLAINED thru software literature:

Bull Market - A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.

Bear Market - A 6 to 18-month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry and the husband gets no sex.

Momentum Investing - The fine art of buying high and selling low.

Value Investing - The art of buying low and selling lower.

P/E ratio - The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the Market keeps crashing.

Broker - The person who made you poorer than you were last year.

Standard & Poor - Your life in a nutshell.

Stock Analyst - Idiot who just downgraded your stock.

Stock split - When your ex-spouse and her/his lawyer split all your assets equally between themselves.

Market Correction - The day after you buy stocks.

Cash Flow - The movement your money makes as it disappears down the Toilet.

Call Option - Something people used to do with a telephone in ancient times before e-mail.

Yahoo - What you yell after selling all you owned to some poor sucker for $240 per share.

Windows 2000 - What you jump out of when you're the sucker that bought Yahoo for $240 per share.

Institutional Investor - Past year investor who's now locked up in a nut house.

Profit - Religious guy who talks to God.
 

This is an actual letter sent to a man named Ryan DeVries by the Michigan Department of Environmental Quality, State of Michigan.

Read the letter before you get to the response........ ***************************

Mr. Ryan DeVries
2088 Dagget Pierson, MI 49339

SUBJECT: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Montcalm County

Dear Mr. DeVries: It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above referenced parcel of property.

You have been certified as the legal landowner and/or contractor who did the following unauthorized activity: Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet stream of Spring Pond.

A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of activity. A review of the Department's files shows that no permits have been issued.

Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity is in violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated.

The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams partially failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and flooding at downstream locations.

We find that dams of this nature are inherently hazardous and cannot be permitted. The Department therefore orders you to cease and desist all activities at this location, and to restore the stream to a free-flow condition by removing all wood and brush forming the dams from the stream channel.

All restoration work shall be completed no later than January 31, 2002.

Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so that a follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our staff. Failure to comply with this request or any further unauthorized activity on the site may result in this case being referred for elevated enforcement action.

We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this matter.

Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any questions.

Sincerely,

David L. Price
District Representative
Land and Water Management Division

*******************
This is the actual response sent back........

Dear Mr. Price,

Re: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Montcalm County.

Your certified letter dated 12/17/01 has been handed to me to respond to.

First of all, Mr. Ryan DeVries is not the legal Landowner and/or Contractor at 2088 Dagget, Pierson, Michigan.

I am the legal owner and a couple of beavers are in the (State unauthorized) process of constructing and maintaining two wood "debris" dams across the outlet stream of my Spring Pond.

While I did not pay for, authorize, nor supervise their dam project, I think they would be highly offended that you call their skillful use of natures building materials "debris." I would like to challenge your department to attempt to emulate their dam project any time and/or any place you choose.

I believe I can safely state there is no way you could ever match their dam skills, their dam resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam persistence, their dam determination and/or their dam work ethic.

As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware that they must first fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of dam activity.

My first dam question to you is: (1) Are you trying to discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers or (2) do you require all beavers throughout this State to conform to said dam request?

If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers, through the Freedom of Information Act, I request completed copies of all those other applicable beaver dam permits that have been issued. Perhaps we will see if there really is a dam violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated.

I have several concerns. My first concern is - aren't the beavers entitled to legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are financially destitute and are unable to pay for said representation - so the State will have to provide them with a dam lawyer.

The Department's dam concern that either one or both of the dams failed during a recent rain event causing flooding is proof that this is a natural occurrence, which the Department is required to protect. In other words, we should leave the Spring Pond Beavers alone rather than harassing them and calling their dam names. If you want the stream "restored" to a dam free-flow condition please contact the beavers - but if you are going to arrest them, they obviously did not pay any attention to your dam letter, they being unable to read English. In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build their unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green and water flows downstream. They have more dam rights than I do to live and enjoy Spring Pond.

If the Department of Natural Resources and Environmental Protection lives up to its name, it should protect the natural resources (Beavers) and the environment (Beavers' Dams.).

So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can be referred for more elevated enforcement action right now. Why wait until 1/31/2002?

The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice then and there will be no way for you or your dam staff to contact/harass them then. In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention to a real environmental quality (health) problem in the area.

It is the bears! Bears are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely believe you should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave the beavers alone. If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your step! (The bears are not careful where they dump!)

Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to contact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this response to your dam office.

Sincerely,

Stephen L.Tvedten

A man learned shortly before quitting time that he had to attend a meeting. He tried unsuccessfully to locate his car-pool members to let them know that he would not be leaving with them.

Hastily he scribbled a message to one fellow and left it on his desk: "I have a last-minute meeting. Leave without me. Dave."

At 7:00 p.m., the man stopped at his desk and found this note: "Meet us at the bar and grill across the street. You drove, you idiot."

Those of us who worked at the front desk of a convention hotel in Williamsburg, Va., prided ourselves on making the guests feel special.

When someone arrived at reception, credit card in hand, we would sneak a peek at it and address him by name. Once during a particularly busy check-in, one of our guests presented a corporate credit card. "Welcome to Williamsburg, Mr. Bell," the desk clerk said.

"Oh, please," the man replied, "call me Taco."

 

I do have some advice for those youngsters just starting out inthe workplace. When you apply for a job, just remember, they're looking for educated 20 year olds with 30 years of experience.

 

A customer wanted to ask his attractive waitress for a date, but couldn't get her attention. When he was able to catch her eye, she quickly looked away. Finally he followed her into the kitchen and blurted out his invitation. To his amazement, she readily consented.

He said, "Why have you been avoiding me all this time? You wouldn't even make eye contact."

"Oh," said the waitress, "I thought you wanted more coffee."

Imagine it is the year 2002 and Noah lives in the United States. The Lord speaks to Noah and says: "In one year I am going to make it rain and cover the whole earth with water until all is destroyed. But I want you to save the righteous people and two of every kind of living thing on the earth.

Therefore, I am commanding you to build an Ark." In a flash of lightning, God delivered the specifications for an Ark. Fearful and trembling, Noah took the plans and agreed to build the Ark.

"Remember," said the Lord, "You must complete the Ark and bring everything aboard in one year." Exactly one year later, a fierce storm cloud covered the earth and all the seas of the earth went into a tumult.

The Lord saw Noah sitting in his front yard weeping. "Noah." He shouted, "Where is the Ark?"

"Lord please forgive me!" cried Noah. "I did my best but there were big problems. First, I had to get a permit for construction and your plans did not comply with the codes. I had to hire an engineering firm and redraw the plans. Then I got into a fight with OSHA over whether or not the Ark needed fire sprinkler system and floatation devices.

Then my neighbor objected, claiming I was violating zoning ordinances by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning commission.

I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees to protect the Spotted Owl. I finally convinced the U.S. Forest Service that I needed the wood to save the owls. However, the Fish and Wildlife Service won't let me catch any owls. So, no owls.

The carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Union. Now I have 16 carpenters on the Ark, but still no owls.

When I started rounding up the other animals, I got sued by an animal rights group. They objected to me only taking two of each kind aboard.

Just when I got the suit dismissed, the EPA notified me that I could not complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. They didn't take very kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of the Creator of the universe.

Then the Army Corps of Engineers demanded a map of the proposed new flood plain. I sent them a globe.

Right now, I am trying to resolve a complaint filed with the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission that I am practicing discrimination by not taking godless, unbelieving people aboard!

The IRS has seized all my assets, claiming that I'm building the Ark in preparation to flee the country to avoid paying taxes.

I just got a notice from the State that I owe some kind of user tax and failed to register the Ark as a recreational water craft."

Finally the ACLU got the courts to issue an injunction against
further construction of the Ark, saying that since God is flooding the earth,it is a religious event and therefore unconstitutional.

I really don't think I can finish the Ark for another 5 or 6 years," Noah wailed.

The sky began to clear, the sun began to shine and the seas began to calm.

A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up hopefully. "You mean you are not going to destroy the earth, Lord?"

"No," said the Lord sadly. "The government already has."
 

Another chuckle from work.

A couple of years ago our company hired a new head of sales. He was the nephew of the owner's wife and that was all he had going for him.

In his brief stay with us he did a lot of obnoxious things but this was my favorite.

As his first official act he decided to save the company money by cutting down the sales staff and decided the way to do that was to fire the highest paid sales person on staff. Of course she was also the top sales person.

He invited her to breakfast at a local coffee shop, where we all gathered frequently, so the staff there knew us. After being served coffee he cooly informed her that she was being dismissed.

The lady just smiled at him and tossed her coffee right in his face. A heads up waitress rushed over and chirped "Refill Mam?"

It was priceless!
 

"Personal" ad in local paper:

David G. Contact me soon!

Bring three rings:

Engagement, wedding, and teething.

Have news.

Debbie.
 

One of the single girls in the office came in one morning and began passing out cigars and candy, both tied with blue ribbon.

When asked what the occasion was, she proudly displayed a diamond solitaire on her left ring finger.

"It's a boy," she announced, "six feet tall, 178 lbs.".
 

A man who was really getting behind in paying his bills finally received a note from one of his creditors.

"Dear Sir, Your account has been on our books for over one year. We want to remind you that we have now carried you longer than your mother did."
 

A guy enters a bank to see about getting a business loan.

"What kind of business do you want to start?" asks the bank manager.

"I have some black powder. You sprinkle it on a women's vagina
and it makes it taste like a peach."

"I don't think we can give you a loan," was the reply so the guy
left.

A few months later he went into the bank with a wheel barrel filled with money.

The same bank manager came up to him and asked: "Congratulations, I guess that idea for black powder really paid off."

"Nah, that didn't go anywhere.I made my money with this white powder."

"Really," replied the bank manager. "What does it do?"

"Give me a peach and I'll show you."

 

Banking Industry News From Japan

According to industry insiders, the Japanese banking crisis shows no signs of stopping.

Following last week's news that Origami Bank had folded, we are hearing that Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank plans to cut back some of its branches.

Karaoke Bank is up for sale and is (you guessed it!) going for a song.

Meanwhile,shares in Kamikaze Bank have nose-dived and 500 back office staff at Karate Bank got the chop.

Analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank and staff there fear they may get a raw deal.

Boudreaux went into the fish market to apply for a job. The boss thought to himself - I'm not hiring that lazy Cajun, so he decided to set a test for Boudreaux hoping he wouldn't be able to answer the questions and he'd be able to refuse him the job without getting into an argument.

The first question was, "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."

Boudreaux says, "Dat's easy" and proceeds to draw three trees.

The boss says, "What in the world is that?"

Boudreaux says, "Tree 'n tree 'n tree makes nine."

"Fair enough" says the boss. "Second questions, same rules, but represent 99."

Boudreaux stares into space for a while, then makes a smudge on each tree.

"Der ya go sir," he says.

The boss scratches his head and asks, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"

Boudreaux answers, "Each tree is dirty now, so it's dirty tree 'n dirty tree 'n dirty tree - dat 99."

The boss is getting worried he's going to have to hire Boudreaux so he says, "All right, question number 3. Same rules again, but this time represent the number 100."

Boudreaux stares into space again, then he shouts, "I got it!"

He makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Der ya go sir - 100."

The boss looks at Boudreaux's attempt and thinks, "Ha! got him this
time." He then tells Boudreaux, "Go on, Boudreaux, you must be crazy if you think that represents a 100."

Boudreaux leans forward and points to the little marks at the tree bases and says, "A little dog comes along and craps by each tree, so now ya got dirty tree an' a turd, dirty tree an' a turd, and dirty tree an' a turd, which makes 100.

When do I start my job?"


 

It's easy to identify people who can't count to ten. They are in
front of you in the express lane at the supermarket.

 

A stockbroker was cold calling about a penny stock and found a taker. "I think this one will really move said the broker, it's only $1 a share."

"Buy me 1000 shares." said the client.

The next day the stock was at $2. The client called the broker and said, "You were right, give me 5000 more shares."

The next day the client looked in the paper and the stock was at $4.

The client ran to the phone and called the broker, "Get me 10,000 more shares said the client."

"Great!" said the broker.

The next day the client looked in the paper and the stock was at $9.

Seeing what a great profit he had in just a few days, the client ran to the phone and told the broker, "Sell all my shares!"

The broker said, "To whom? You were the only one buying that stock."

 

A young man went to an interview for potential guests on a TV talk
show. "What do you do?" the show's producer asked the young man.

"I imitate birds," the young man answered.

"What?" grunted the producer. "People who imitate birds are a dime a dozen. We can't use you."

"Okay," replied the disappointed young man. And he flapped his arms and flew out the window.

 

Employed by the human-development center of a corporation in the
midwest, my friend trains employees in proper dress codes and
etiquette.

One day as she was stepping onto the elevator, a man casually
dressed in jeans and a golf shirt got on with her.

Thinking of her responsibilities, she scolded, "Dressed a little
casually today, aren't we?"

The man replied, "That's one benefit of owning the company...."

 

You're called upon for an opinion of a friend who is extremely lazy. You don't want to lie --- but you also don't want to risk losing even a lazy friend.

Try this line: ``In my opinion,'' you say as sincerely as you can
manage, ``you will be very fortunate to get this person to work for you.''

This gem of double meaning is the creating of Robert Thornton, a
professor of economics at Lehigh University in Bethlehem, PA.

Thornton was frustrated about an occupational hazard for teachers,
having to write letters of recommendation for people with dubious
qualifications, so he put together an arsenal of statements that
can be read two ways.

A few Examples

He calls his collection the Lexicon of Inconspicuously Ambiguous
Recommendations. Or ``LIAR'', for short.

``[LIAR] may be used to offer a negative opinion of the personal
qualities, work habits or motivation of the candidate while allowing the candidate to believe that it is high praise,'' Thronton explained last week.

Some examples from LIAR:

To describe a person who is totally inept: ``I most enthusiastically recommend this candidate with no qualifications whatsoever.''

To describe an ex-employee who had problems getting along with fellow workers: ``I am pleased to say that this candidate is a former colleague of mine.''

To describe a candidate who is so unproductive that the job would be better left unfilled: ``I can assure you that no person would be better for the job.''

To desdribe a job applicant who is not worth further consideration:
``I would urge you to waste no time in making this candidate an
offer of employment.''

To describe a person with lackluster credentials: ``All in all, I cannot say enough good things about this candidate or recommend him too highly.''

Lack of confidentiality

Thornton pointed out that LIAR is not only useful in preserving
friendships, but it also can help avoid serious legal trouble in a time when laws have eroded the confidentiality of letters of recommendation.

In most states, he noted, job applicants have the right to read the letters of recommendations and can even file suit against the writer if the contents are negative.

When the writer uses LIAR, however, ``whether perceived correctly
or not by the candidate,the phrases are virtually litigation proof,'' Thornton said.

 

A manager has to take on some sport by his doctor so he decides to play tennis. After a couple of weeks his secretary asks him how
he's doing.

"It's going fine", the manager says, "When I'm on the court and I see the ball speeding towards me my brain immediately says: To the corner! Back hand! To the net! Smash! Go back!".

"Really? What happens then?", the girl asks enthusiastic.

"Then my body says: Who? Me? Don't talk nonsense!"

 

Last week, a young middle-class woman consulted me.

She was not unattractive, but her expression was one of frivolous earnestness, that is to say, intense self-absorption.

She approached the consultation like the oysters in "The Walrus and The Carpenter", all eager for the treat. Here at last was an opportunity to talk about herself uninterruptedly and unconstrained by all those boring social conventions.

"What's your problem?" I asked.

"I hate myself."

"And you've come for a second opinion?"

Once there were two Chinese gentlemen named Mr. Ho and Mr. Chen.

They were neighbors but happened to be very competitive.

One day Mr. Ho decided to start a shoe business, he named his store 'WE DO SHOE'.

Now Mr. Chen decided he must compete with Mr. Ho, so he started a shoe business right next door to Mr. Ho's store and he named it 'SHOE DO WE'.

Office Rules

1) If it rings, put it on hold.
2) If it clanks, call the repairman.
3) If it whistles, ignore it.
4) If it's a friend, take a break.
5) If it's the boss, look busy.
6) If it talks, take notes.
7) If it's handwritten, type it.
8) If it's typed, copy it.
9) If it's copied, file it.
10) If it's Friday, forget it!

 

DIARY OF A FEDERAL EMPLOYEE

The following journal entry has been "borrowed" from a federal employee, whose name and occupation have been withheld for his or her protection.

Dear Diary,

Today was the same as any other day. I got to work 5 hours early in order to find parking in the Menial Federal Employee Parking Lot.It's mandatory that all employees park in the lot, although there are only 10 spots for 400 employees, but there is ample street parking. Then there is the Supervisor Lot, which has 50 spots for 2 supervisors. Our cars will be immediately towed if we park in the Supervisor Lot. Actually, one of the two supervisors does nothing but make sure that nobody else parks in the Supervisor Lot. He's currently making a six-figure salary.

At the door, I had to show my building card to the security guard. He started telling me about his wife's problems. I told him I need to get to work, and he reminded me of the clause in my contract that stated that I have to listen to every story he wants to tell me.

Six hours later, I went upstairs to my office, and was docked for being late. I tried to explain to my supervisor about the security
guard, and he had me fill out a Lame Excuse For Being Late form. I
filled it out, and he told me I had to mail it to him, even though
he's in the office next door.

I put the form in an envelope and was about to put it in my outbox
for the mailboy to pick up, when I remembered that the mailboy would not be in today, since he had to attend the Federal Mailboy's Workshop, so I went outside to mail it myself. As I re-entered the building, the security guard stopped me and demanded to see my card, which I had accidentally left upstairs. Even though he had known me for years, he made me fill out a Lame Excuse For Thinking You Belong In This Building form, which made me agree that if I try to steal anything, I have to donate all my organs to the government.

As I handed him the form, I noticed a person wearing a ski mask, who was holding a crowbar, enter the building and freely go upstairs. I asked the security guard why he didn't stop the person, and he told me he's on a break.

I went back upstairs, only to find my supervisor waiting for me, who was angry that I haven't done any work today. I tried to tell him why, but he made me fill out a Lame Excuse For Not Doing Any Work Today form. After I threw out the form, I got to work.
I was going to get to a stack of paperwork, when I noticed the many flashing lights on my phone. I answered one of the calls, and found out that person had been on hold since the Carter Administration. He asked me something about a form, and he what ethnicity to check, because of his multi-ethnic background, which was not covered on the form. I told him that if the form doesn't mention his exact situation, then his situation does not exist.

The next call came from someone who misplaced one of their forms,
and needed another one. I then told her to call the Office of People Who Mail Forms To Losers Who Lose Them, and she told me that it closed because of budgetary constraints six years ago.I told her I was not the one who closed it, so she has no business complaining to me about it.

I was about to answer another call, but my supervisor announced that today was Mailperson's Appreciation Day, and it was mandatory that we all attend a three-hour reception honoring mailpeople. We all went to the designated coffee room, where we each had to pay $35 for stale Danish, and to listen to a mail-person who had been flown in (first class, I might add) from Argentina, who discussed the mail delivery in medieval Turkish society. I made the mistake of pointing out that in the Middle Ages, Turkey was known as the Byzantine Empire, and I was fined $50 for harassing the guest speaker.

I answered two more calls before being interrupted by my supervisor, who told me it was mandatory for me to go to a seminar on agricultural accounting, when I pointed out that I was not an accountant, nor did my job even remotely involve any kind of accounting.He told me that he does not care about a minor technicality.

After returning from the seminar, I was about to answer another call, when my supervisor announced that it was quitting time, and like every day, I had to fill out a So, You Think You're Going Home form that made me promise not to try to break in later that night and steal anything, and had me verify that I had not been deported today.

As I left, I picked up my paycheck, and used that money to buy a pack of gum.

HOW TO GET A JOB!

A business man was interviewing applicants for the position of divisional manager for an accounting firm. He devised a simple test to select the most suitable person for the job. He asked each applicant the question, "What is two and two?"

The first interviewee was a journalist. His answer was "Twenty-two."

The second applicant was an engineer. He pulled out a slide rule and
showed the answer to be between 3.999 and 4.001.

The next person was a lawyer. He stated that in the case of Kennyson vs.IRS, two and two was proven to be four.

The last applicant was an accountant. The business man asked him, "How
much is two and two?"

The accountant got up from her chair, went over to the door and closed it then came back and sat down. She leaned across the desk and said in a low voice....

"How much do you want it to be?"

She got the job.
 

One of our employees is a photographer who considers himself quite
the stud. Everytime we have female models in the studio he struts
& swaggers and puts every move in the book on them, even though he
has been warned repeatly not to.

On one such occasion I was making a background using cotton balls
to fashion clouds on a blue background. The cotton balls had an
adhesive on one side to make them stick. This guy was supposed to
be helping. but when the models arrived he went into his macho act
instead. I finally got fed up and as he went past me I smacked a
cotton ball on to his rear. He thought I was being cute, smacking
his ass, and the damn thing stuck tight to his pants.

The rest of the day he thought he was a hit with the girls, every
time he would approach they would giggle and finally they all
started humming and singing "Here comes Peter Cottontail". Which,
for what ever reason, he took as high praise.

The next day he came in steaming. It seems that he stopped off for
a few drinks before going home, with the bunny tail intact, and was
confused about everyone laughing for apparently no reason at all.
Not until he got home and his wife asked him what was stuck on his
ass, did he discover his little bunny tail.

He never turns his back on me these days, if he finds me walking
behind him, he stops and lets me pass, as he checks to be sure
there is nothing on his ass.

STAFF NOTICE

Due to escalating costs, increased competition, and a keen desire
to stay in business, it is necessary to change our terms of
employment.

It will not be necessary to do something called work in between the
coffee breaks, lunch breaks, tea breaks, smoking breaks, toilet
breaks, etc.

It is the management's intention to call this "the work break."

A man looking for a job."...And remember we are very keen about clenliness. Did you wipe your shoes before entering” asked the manager.

"Oh, yes sir."

Replied the man. The manager narrowed his eyes and said, “We are also very keen about the truth. There is no mat."

A famous art collector is walking through the city when he notices a mangy cat lapping milk from a saucer in the doorway of a store and he does a double take. He recognizes that the saucer is extremely old and very valuable, so he walks casually into the store and offers to buy the cat for two dollars.

The storeowner replies "I'm sorry, but the cat isn't for sale.

The collector says, "Please, I need a hungry cat around the house to catch mice. I'll pay you twenty dollars for that cat."

And the owner says "Sold," and hands over the cat.

The collector continues, "Hey, for the twenty bucks I wonder if you could throw in that old saucer. The cat's used to it and it'll save me from having to get a dish."

And the owner says, "Sorry buddy, but that's my lucky saucer. So far this week I've sold sixty-eight cats."

A man walked into the tax collector's office and sat down and smiled at everyone. "May I help you?" said the clerk in charge.

"No," said the man. "I just wanted to meet the people I have been working for all these years."

The company my brother worked for had a phone system that rerouted
after-hours calls. If any calls came in on a certain line while he was working late, Dave knew it would be a wrong number. It got to the point where as soon as the phone rang, Dave would pick up and say, "Psychic Hotline. I'm sorry, but you've dialed the wrong number."

The caller would often reply with something like, "But I didn't even ask to speak to anyone yet. How did you know I dialed the wrong.... Oh!" (Click.)

 

Steinberg and Fleisher, partners in the garment industry had just suffered through their worst season ever. Ten thousand madras sports coats were hanging on the rack unsold, and bankruptcy was looming closer.

Out of the blue, in walked a buyer from Australia. "I say there," he began, "you boys wouldn't have any madras sports coats, would you? I've been looking for them everywhere."

Steinberg said there MIGHT be a few left, and soon a deal was made whereby the ten thousand jackets would be shipped to Australia at a handsome profit.

"There is one thing though," said the Australian buyer. "For an order this large, I'll have to get a confirmation from my home office. I don't anticipate any problem, and unless I send you a telegram by this Friday, the deal goes through as planned."

Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday passed slowly, with the partners nervously waiting to see if the Australianwould change his mind. Friday morning went by without incident. Steinberg and Fleisher were closing up shop when, at ten minutes to five, there was a knock on the door: ..."Telegram!"

The partners froze. Trembling, Fleisher grabbed the telegram and opened it. Suddenly, his face lit up. "Steinberg, GREAT NEWS! Your sister died!"

 

The San Diego Police Department were investigating the mysterious
death of a prominent businessman who had jumped from a window of
his 11th-story office.

His voluptuous private secretary could offer no explanation for
the action but said that her boss had been acting peculiarly ever
since she started working for him, a month ago.

"After my very first week on the job," she said, "I received a $20
raise. At the end of the 2nd week he called me into his private
office, gave me a lovely black nightie, five pairs of nylon stockings and said, 'These are for a beautiful efficient secretary."

"At the end of the third week he gave me a fabulous mink stole.

Then, this afternoon, he called me into his private office again,
presented me with this fabulous diamond bracelet and asked me if I could consider making love to him and what it would cost."

"I told him that I would, and because he had been so nice to me, he could have it for $5, although I was charging all the other boys in the office ten.

That's when he jumped out the window."

 

Conversation at the grocer's

- Good morning!
- Morning.
- What is that, please?
- Bananas.
- Are they fresh?
- Yes, they are fresh.
- Give me ten pounds, please.
- Okay, here you go.
- Thanks, but, uhh... could you please wrap each one of them?
- Yes, sure.
(couple of minutes)
- Here you go.
- Thanks. And, what is that, please?
- Oranges.
- Are they fresh?
- Yes, they are fresh.
- Give me ten pounds, please.
- Okay, here you go.
- Thanks, but, uhh... could you please wrap each one of them?
- Yes, sure.
(couple of minutes)
- Here you go.
- Thanks. And, what is that, please?
- It's poppyseed, motherfucker, but it's not for sale!

 

Innkeeper:The room is $15. a night.It's $5. if you make your own bed.

Guest: I'll make my own bed.

Innkeeper: Good. I'll get you some nails and wood.

 

"Waiter! This coffee tastes like mud."

"Yes sir, it's fresh ground."
 

Ad as appeared on a West Coast newspaper:

Businessman with two penises looking for bilingual secretary.

 

THE TOP 10 WAYS HELL IS BETTER THAN YOUR JOB

1. Your coffee stays hot all day.

2. In Hell, you know who drank your Coke in the fridge - Satan.

3. 30% fewer "Dilbert" cartoons in the break room.

4. In Hell, that devil-may-care attitude of yours comes in handy.

5. You get to spend more time with your spouse now.

6. No more wondering if the boss hates you.

7. Riding to work in a hand basket beats the hell out of public
transportation.

8. Hourly dunks in searing pools of molten lava actually quite
invigorating.

9. Surfing joke sites all day scores major points with the boss!

10. Your job: Suit and tie. Hell: Pitchforks and attitude.

 

Insurance Companies:

1st Insurance man - sleeps with own wife
That's "Home Insurance"

2nd Insurance man - sleeps with girl friend
That's "Mutual Benefit

3rd Insurance man - sleeps with chorus girl
That's "New York Life"

4th Insurance man - sleeps with secretary
That's "employees Mutual Benefit"

5th - Insurance man - sleeps with hotel maid
That's "travelers aid"

6th - Insurance man - sleep with woman next door
That's "Royal Neighbors"

7th - Insurance man - sleeps with old maid
That's "Prudential"

8th - Insurance man - sleeps with grandma
That's "Old Age Assistance"

9th - Insurance man - sleeps with nobody
That's "John Hancock"

10th - Insurance man - sleeps with anybody
That's "Metropolitan"

11th - Insurance man - sleep with boyfriend
That's "Odd Fellow"

12th - Insurance man - sleeps with Charlie McCarthy
That's "Lumbermans Mutual

In case anyone gets pregnant from all of this,
That's "Industrial Accident"

 

Country bumpkins Dad and Dave went to the Royal Easter Show in Sydney and were very interested in the new tractors and power take-offs that were on display. One salesman demonstrated his machine and then offered them a deal.

'You can have this attachment for $10 000, and I'll take off 10 per cent for cash just for you.' They went away to discuss the deal.

'What the hell's he mean by take orf 10 per cent cash?' asked Dad. 'How much would he take orf?'

'Gees, I dunno, Dad,' replied Dave.

'Listen Dave, you're in pretty thick with that barmaid at the pub where we're stayin' and she looks like a pretty smart sort of girl. How about you ask her?'

So Dave approached the barmaid. 'Tell me, Dulcie, love, if 1 gave
you $10 000 less 10 per cent, how much would you take orf?'

'Jesus, Dave!' she exclaimed, grinning wickedly at him. 'If you gave me $10 000 less 10 per cent, I'd take off everything bar me bloody garters and you could use them for stirrups to ride me!

 

Henry Kissinger goes to see a poor man and says, "I want to arrange a marriage for your son. "

The poor man replies, "I never interfere in my son's life."

Kissinger responds, "But the girl is Lord Rothschild's daughter."

"Well, in that case..."

Next Kissinger approaches Lord Rothschild. "I have a husband for your daughter."

"But my daughter is too young to marry."

"But this young man is already a vice president of the World Bank."

"Ah, in that case..."

Finally Kissinger goes to see the president of the World Bank. "I
have a young man to recommend to you as a vice president."

"But I already have more vice presidents than I need."

"But this young man is Lord Rothschild's son-in-law."

"Ah, in that case...."

The Job

When you have an "I hate my job" day try this:

On your way home from work,stop at your pharmacy and go to the
thermometer section.

You will need to purchase a rectal thermometer made by "Q-tip." Be very sure that you get this brand.

When you get home,lock your doors,draw the drapes,and disconnect
the phone so you will not be disturbed during your therapy.

Change to very comfortable clothing,such as a sweat suit and lie
down on your bed. Open the package and remove the thermometer.

Carefully place it on the bedside table so that it will not become
chipped or broken.

Take out the written material that accompanies the thermometer and
read it.You will notice that in small print there is a statement:
"Every rectal thermometer made by Q-tip is personally tested."

Now,close your eyes and repeat out loud five times,"I am so glad
I do NOT work in Quality Control at the Q-tip Company."

"Rodney forgets everything!" the Department head complained to the section head.

"It's a wonder he can do anything right. I asked him to pick me up some sandwiches on his way back from lunch, and I'm notsure he'll even remember to come back."

Just then the door flew open, and in waddled Rodney. "You'll never guess what happened!" he shouted. "While I was at lunch, I met
Old Man Spencer over at Space Flight Controls. You know he hasn't bought anything from us for five years. Well, we got to talking
and he gave me this three hundred million dollar order!"

"See that," sighed the Department head to the section head. "I told you he'd forget the sandwiches."

 

I just got a post card from the UPS saying it could not deliver my
package because it did not have my complete address.

On the front is my complete address.

A really huge muscular guy with a bad stutter goes to a counter in a department store and asks, "W-w-w-where's the m-m-m-men's dep-p-p-partment?"

The clerk behind the counter just looks at him and says nothing.

The man repeats himself: "W-w-w-where's the m-m-m-men's dep-p-p-partment?" Again, the clerk doesn't answer him.

The guy asks several more times: "W-w-w-where's the m-m-m-men's dep-p-p-partment?"

And the clerk just seems to ignore him. Finally, the guy storms off in anger.

The customer who was waiting in line behind the guy asks the clerk,
"Why wouldn't you answer that guy's question?"

The clerk answers, "D-d-d-do you th-th-th-think I w-w-w-want to get the s-s-shit b-b-b-beat out of m-m-m-me?"

A tongue-tied man goes into a nut shop, and the first thing he notices is that the guy behind the counter has the largest nose he's ever seen in his life.

The tongue-tied guy quickly turns his attention to the merchandise, and asks, "Ess-tues me ser?"

"Yes, sir," replied the clerk.

"Tould you tale me how mutsh your pisstasheos arr?"

"Pistachios? They're six dollars a pound."

"SSit!" the tongue-tied guy goes back to browsing, and then asks, "Welp, how mutsh arr your aahhmons?"

"Almonds? They're seven fifty a pound."

"SSIT! Tas pensive," replied the tongue-tied man. "Welp, how bout your pikanns?"

"Pecans? They're on sale today. They're only four fifty a pound."

"Welp, Ssit. Just div me a pound of dose dhen."

"Alright then," says the clerk, and begins bagging up a pound of
pecans.

Then, the tongue-tied guy says to the clerk, "Sirr, I just wana tay tank you fo not maken phun of de way I talk, cauz I tan't hep it."

The clerk replies with a smile. "Oh sir, you don't have to thank me for that. I don't make fun of anybody, for anything! I don't know if you noticed, or not, but I have a rather large nose."

The tongue-tied guy replies, "Oh, is dat your noze? I tought dat wuz your penis since your nutz arr so damn high."

 

In a check out line the other day and the couple were arguing about whose turn it was to pay. The clerk was kind of listening until she heard the lady said to the guy, "Stop being a scrote."

With a furrowed brow the clerk asked, "What is a scrote?"

Without missing a beat the lady responded, "Short for scrotum.

He is somewhere between a prick and an asshole."

 

`I was shopping in a "junk shop" the other day, when I started to pay for my purchases, I handed the owner my credit card, he gave it right back to me and pointed to a sign on the wall which read in big bold letters:

WE RECOGNIZE ALL MAJOR CREDIT CARDS,
BUT ONLY ACCEPT CASH.

SWM: Roommate needed for six bedroom north side condo.
$800/month plus 1/2 utilities.
Must enjoy garlic, taxidermy & clock repair.

SWF: Seeks any M, age 16-52, for immediate marriage.
Willing to beg.
Call 24/hours, 7/days 1-800-I'm-4you.

SWM: 39, enjoys assault rifles, heavy drinking, and testosterone.
Seeks like-minded SF, W only, to listen to political conspiracy
theories and help stock secluded mountain shelter.
Don't bother to write, I already know where you live.

SWF: 25, enjoys poetry recitals, interpretive dance, herb tea,
New Age music, Communing with Gaian nature spirits, and Jello
sculpting.
Seeks aloof, analytic whimp.

SWM: 59, wide range of interests including:
Star Trek, Battlestar Galactica, Power Rangers, and Sea Quest.
ISO compatible F.

SM: Seeking an adventurous SF Interested in underwater bondage
with or w/o scuba gear And albino livestock breeding.
No weirdos please.

SBM: Vegetarian Truck-driving Republican juggler Wishes to meet
woman of similar interests Must be ambidextrous.

DWF: Crazy ppl Need Love Too.
If you enjoy destroying good furniture, Police lineups and
locking your friends in closets, We already have three things in
common !
Let's get together.

DM: Physician, 35 Desires to meet that special woman with real
inner beauty.
Send latest X-rays.

DWM: Compulsive Liar Seeks beautiful woman to share my million
dollar Riviera chateau.
Visa Gold Card a must.
Private plane a plus.

SWM: 32, my life's work is verifying, in detail, all the
episodes shown on "The X-Files".
ISO SWF with like dedication.
Must be willing to travel a lot

Rated PG Lorraine

Rated G Sue Bee

Rated G

Peter:

Rated G ..............Sue Bee

Rated G ................ Lorraine

Rated G .........................Sue Bee

LIAR, LIAR

Rated G .......................Sue Bee

LIAR, LIAR

Rated G Sue Bee in Alabama

INTERESTING STORY

Rated G ......... Dear Architect,...

Rated G

Made in...

Rated G Lorraine

Oil Change instructions for Women:

Rated PG

Office Dictionary:

Rated G

MAY I HELP YOU?

Rated G

Relaxing Weekends

PG

How Things Work In Real Life

Rated G

Rated G

Rated G Captain Silver

The Total Idiot's Guide to Internet Success!

Let's begin:

Rated G ..........Sue Bee

Rated PG Lorraine

Rated G

MURPHY'S LAWS ON WORK

Rated G Sue Bee

Rated PG Sue Bee

Rated G Lorraine

FROM A SALESPERSON AT OFFICE DEPOT:

Rated G

Louise

Rated G Sue Bee

Rated G Sue Bee

Rated G

Rated G Lorraine

Rated G Sue Bee

Rated G Janine

At the drugstore

Rated G

Rated PG Michele

Rejected Motel 6 Slogans

Rated G : Sue Bee

YOU KNOW YOU NEED A NEW CAR WHEN....

Rated G

Rated G Baby Blues

Rated G

Rated PG George in Atlanta

Play the Office Game

Rated PG Caroline in Phoenix

Unique job interviews

Job Interview Quotations

Rated PG

Rated G

Rated G

Rated G Bill in Dobbs Ferry

Rated G Lorraine

Rated G .......Sue Bee

Rated G Lorraine

Rated G Lorraine

Rated G Lorraine

Rated G Lorraine

Rated G Lorraine

Rated G Lorraine

Rated PG ........How Much?

Rated G

Rated G ........ Becky

Rated G Lorraine

Rated G Lorraine

Rated G

This appeared in our weekly schedule at work.
Original source unknown.

Rated PG

Rated G Lorraine

Rated G Lorraine

Rated G Louise

The Night Shift

Rated G ...............Sue Bee

Rated G

Rated G

Rated G

Rated G

Rated PG

Rated G .........Sue Bee

Rated G Sue Bee

Things You NEVER Want to Hear the Exterminator Say...

Rated G

Rated G

Rated G

Rated G

Rated G Becky

Rated G Lorraine

Rated G Lorraine

Rated G Lorraine

Rated G

A Well Known Distributor's Office

Rated PG Sue Bee

Construction Olympics

Rated G

A customer at Green's Gourmet Grocery marveled at the proprietor's quick wit and intelligence.

Rated G : Michele

Rated G George in Illinois

Rated G

Meeting

Rated PG Michele

In order to standardize our Human Resources forms we now use just seven reasons for termination (Based on Snow White and the Seven Dwarves):

Rated G Sue Bee

Rated G (Muskegon Chronicle)

Rated G

Rated G Baby Blues

Rated G Top 99 Questions most often asked at a 99-Cent Store. (Edited for Space)

Rated G

Rated G

Rated XXX

Rated G Michele

Rated G

Rated G Lorraine

Rated G Lorraine

Rated G

Angry employer :

Rated G          

Rated G

Rated G

Rated G

Rated G Sue Bee

Rated G Sue Bee

Rated G

Rated PG

Rated G

Rated G

Rated G Captain Silver

Rated G

Rated G Michele

Rated X

Rated R

Arsenic Wanted

Rated G

Rated G

Engineer's Retirement

Rated G

Rated G Sue Bee

SOME DAYS YOU JUST CAN'T WIN

Rated G Lorraine

SUITE REVENGE:

Rated G Becky

"Oooops!!"

Rated G

Rated G

Rated G

If Resumes Didn't Lie

Rated G

Rated G

Rated G Lorraine

Rated G

Seen at Fleegleman's Kosher Deli:

Rated G

Rated G

Reasons Why Martini's Should Be Served At WORK!

Rated G

Rated G

Rated G Baby Blues

Rated G

Rated G Charlie in Cleveland

Rated G

Rated G Lorraine

Cost Cutting Measures Effective Immediately

Rated G Becky