It's not what you think it is !!

Little Johnny's teacher, Miss Plot decides to take the class to an educational trip.

Little Johny refuses to go. Miss Plot reports this to his mother.

The mother replies that over the years Little Johnny has developed an unconscious habit of probing his finger into the navel of the person sleeping next to him at night.

Miss Plot says that it's a minor problem. She'll make Little Johnny sleep next to her during the tour.

So, all is set and the class begins the tour. At night, the class lodges at a motel. Miss Plot shares her room with Little Johnny as promised.

Sometime after midnight, when everybody is asleep, Miss Plot feels a sensation in her vagina. She gets shocked and starts retaliating when suddenly she remembers that it might be Little Johnny practicing his ill habit of probing his finger into her navel

She holds Little Johnny by his hair softly and whispers sweetly,"Dear, it's not what you think it is!! It's my feminine hole.

"Little Johnny whispers back," Exactly, that's what I wanna tellyou. It's not what you think it is!! It's my cock.
 

One day Little Johnny was on the school bus and he was sitting right behind the bus driver and he was saying to himself, "If my daddy was a lion and my mommy was a lion then I would be a baby lion." He kept on talking to himself like this.

After 10 minutes of this, the bus driver had enough of it and said, "What would happen if your daddy was a drunk and your mommy was a whore?" Little Johnny replied, "Then I would be a bus driver."
 

Little Johnny had a cussing problem and his father was getting tired of it. He decided to ask his shrink what to do. The shrink said that since Christmas was coming up that he should ask Johnny what he wanted Santa to bring him. If he cussed he should leave a pile of dog shit in place of the gift. Two days before Christmas Johnny's dad asked Johnny what he wanted. Johnny said, "I want a god damn teddy bear laying right fucking here beside me when I wake-up Christmas morning. Then when I go downstairs I want to see a motherfuckin' train going around the god damn
tree, and when I go outside I want to see a red-assed fuckin' bike leaning up against the damn garage!"

Christmas morning Little Johnny woke up and rolled over into a big pile of dog shit. Confused, he walked downstairs and saw a bunch of dog shit around the Christmas tree. Scratching his head, he walked outside and saw a huge pile of dog shit by the
garage. When he walked back inside with a curious look on his face, his dad smiled and asked, "So Johnny, what did Santa bring you this year?" Johnny replied, "I think I got a god damn dog but I can't find the son of a bitch."
 

A teacher asks her class if anyone could use the word 'indefinitely' in a sentence.

Little Johnny raises his hand at the back of the class. But the teacher knows he's a trouble maker and that he doesn't know the answer, so she calls on Jim.

Jim replies, "Due to the weather, school was canceled indefinitely." "Good" the teacher replies.

"What about you Jenny?"

Jenny says, "Since the bus broke down, transportation has been stopped indefinitely."

The teacher then says that the sentence was too much like the other one, and asks if anyone can use it in a different way.

So there's Little Johnny waving his hand again. And the teacher thinks... (Maybe he really does know the answer), so she calls on him.

Johnny stands up and says, "As I felt my balls slap against her ass, I knew that I was indefinitely!   
 

One day, little Johnny comes home from kindergarten for lunch.

Not finding his mother in the kitchen, or the living room, he heads upstairs to check her bedroom.

He opens the door, and what does he see, but his father, who had also come home for lunch, stripped naked, on top of his mother, also naked, heavily into the act of lovemaking.

Not wanting to traumatize the boy, the parents continue as if nothing was wrong.

Little Johnny watches, and after a couple of minutes asks,

"Daddy, can I climb on and have a horsy ride?"

"Of course, Son, we're a family."

So Little Johnny climbs on.

After a few more minutes his mother starts moaning and writhing wildly.

"Hang on Dad!" cries Little Johnny, "this is where me and the mailman usually fall off!"
 

Once there was a little boy named Johnny who was three years old.

When it was Palm Sunday, he couldn't wait to go to church to find out what PalmSunday was.

But sadly, Johnny came down with the chickenpox.

His parents hired a baby-sitter to take care of Johnny while they went to church. When they came home holding palm leaves, Johnny asked, "What are the palm tree leaves for mommie?"

She replied, "When Jesus walked through the town, people waved palm leaves at him in respect."

Johnny looked upset and said, "Wouldn't ya know? The first day I'm not in church, he shows up!"
 

Little Johny asks the teacher, "How many feathers are there on a bird's wing?"

The teacher answered, "I don't know."

Little Johny then asked, "How many stripes are there on a bee's body?"

The teacher answered, "I don't know "Then Little Johny asked, "How many lives does a cat have?"

Happily the teacher answered, "Nine lives."

Little Johny followed up, "How come you know so much about pussy and nothing about the birds and the bees?"   
 

One day a man is walking down the street, when he notices a young boy in a wagon fixed up to look like a fire truck.

The man also notices that the wagon is being pulled by a dog with a rope attached to his nards!

The dog is, of course, howling like a banshee, and inching along ever so slowly. The man thinks for amoment, then approaches the boy and says: "You know, son, the dog would probably pull you faster if you had the rope attached to his leash."

The boy looks up at the man and says: "Well,yeah, maybe, but then I wouldn't have this really cool siren!"   
 

One Friday afternoon, a first grade teacher said that she was going to ask the class a question and whoever get it right would get to take Monday off.

The class got very excited and listened very closely. "Who went..." she began her question but was interupted because someone rolled black marbles across the floor to her.

"Alright!"she said. "Who's the wise ass with the black balls?"

"Martin Luther King Jr." Little Johnny shouted. "See ya on Tuesday!"
 

Little Johnny is playing in the street one day when this stranger pulls up in his car.

The stranger says "Psssssst! Hey kid!"

"Yeah?" replies Johnny.

And the stranger says, "Kid, I'll give a piece of candy to come in my car."

Little Johnny replies, "Give me the whole damn bag and I'll come in your mouth!"
 

Lil' Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horses' legs, rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Pop, why are you doing that?"

"Because I'm thinking of buying these horses."

Johnny looked worried, "Then I think we'd better hurry home right away!"

"Why?" his father asked.

"Because the mailman stopped by yesterday, and I think he wants to buy Mom!"
 

Little johny was in class one day and the teacher said Ok class we are going to have a spelling bee.

I'm going to say a letter of the alphabet and you have to say a word begining with the letter we will start with A .

As the teacher looks around the class and she looks at Johnny and thinks I won't pick Johnny cause he will say somthing rude like asshole so she picked Mary.

Mary said apple A-P-P-L-E.

Very good Mary replied the teacher. o

Ok now we will do B as the teacher looked at Johnny and thought I wont pick Johnny cause he will say somthing rude like bastard so she picked Mark.

Mark said boat B-O-A-T.

Very good Mark replied the teacher.

The teacher got all the way up to G and couldn't think of a swear word begining with G so she pick Johnny, Johnny said gnome G-N-O-M-E.

Very good Johnny the teacher replied now can you tell me what a gnome does ?

Johny stared smiling and said yeah he's a short ass prick that sits in the back yard fucking all the fairys !
 

A first grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students, Johnny.

''I'm too smart for the first grade. My sister is in the third grade and I'm smarter than she is !

I think I should be in the third grade too!''

The teacher had had enough.

She took Johnny to the principal's office.

While Johnny waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was.

The principal told the teacher he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first grade and behave.

The teacher agreed.

Johnny was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agrees to take the test.

'' What is 3x3? ''

''9.''

''What is 6 x 6 ?''

''36.''

And so it went with every question the principal thought a third grader should know. The principal looked at the teacher and told her he thought Johnny belonged in third grade.

''Let me ask him some questions. What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?''

''Legs.''

''What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?''

''Pockets.''

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, ''Put Johnny in the fifth grade, I missed the last two questions.

Little Johnny is sitting in a biology class, and the teacher says that an interesting phenomenon of nature is that only human stutter, no other animal in the world does this. Johnny's hand shoots up. "Not correct, Miss!" he says.

"Please explain, Johnny!", replies the teacher. "Well, Miss, the other day I was playing with my cat on the veranda. The neighbors' Great Dane came around the corner, and my cat went "ffffffffff! ffffffffffff! ffffffffff!", and before hecould said, "Fuck off!", the dog ate him!"
 

Little Johnny came home one day and told his dad he had a tough day in math.

"What happend?" asked his dad.

"The teacher got mad at me." Little Johnny grumbled.

"What for?" his dad asked.

"She asked me what 2 x 3 was.

I told her 6."

"Well, that's right." Said the dad.

"I know." Said Little Johnny. Then she asked me "What is 3 x 2?

That's the same fucking question backwards, replied the Dad.

That's exactly, what I said.

Point in Question

Dirty Johnny is playing with Loose Lisa, and he pulls down his pants.

She says, "What's that?"

He says, "I don't know, but my old man has the same thing. I think I'll ask him!"

That night, Johnny waits for his father to come out of the shower.

He says, "All right, Pop! What's that?"

Johnny's father says, "Son, it's a penis. In fact, it's a perfect penis!"

The next day Lisa asks Johnny, "Well, did you find out what it is?"

Johnny says, "Yep. It's a penis. In fact, if mine was two inches shorter, it'd be a perfect penis!!"
 

A DAY IN THE LIFE OF LITTLE JOHNNY

Little Johnny comes home from school with a note from his teacher, indicating that "Johnny seems to be having some difficulty with the differences between boys and girls," and would his mother, "please sit down and have a talk with Johnny about this."

So johnny's mother takes him quietly, by the hand, upstairs to her bedroom, and closes the door.

- First, johnny, I want you to take off my blouse... So he unbuttons her blouse and takes it off.

- Ok, now take off my skirt... and he takes off her skirt.

- Now take off my bra... which he does.

-And now, Johnny, please take off my panties.

and when Johnny finishes removing those, she says, "Johnny, PLEASE don't wear any of my clothes to school any more!"
 

LITTLE JOHNNY AND HIS THEOLOGY

A Sunday School teacher of pre-schoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season's emphasis on His birth.

He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that He grew up, etc.

So he asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?" Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven."

Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart."

Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know! I know! He's in our bathroom!!!"

The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds.

He finally gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this.

And Little Johnny said, "Well... every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?'!"
 

Dirty Johnny's family is sitting at the dinner table, and his parents are fighting.

His mother says, "Fred!! We've got to pay the mortgage!!"

His father answers, "But we haven't got the money, Ethel!!"

"But we've got to pay the mortgage!!"

"We haven't got the money!!"

The next day, a cop sees Johnny. He's got a stick with a bundle at the end over his shoulder.

The cop says, "What do you think you're doing?"

Johnny answers, "I'm runnin' away from home!"

The cop says, "Why, son?"

Johnny says, "Are you kidding? Last night, at dinner, my folks was arguin' about money. They was arguin' hot and heavy. Later on, when I walked past their bedroom, I heard my father say, "I'm pullin' out!!" My mother said, "I'm comin' too!!" Well,

I wasn't gonna stay and get stuck with the mortgage!!!"

A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 9th grade class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms.

"Now, class. Observe closely the worms," said the professor putting a worm first into the water.

The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be.

The second worm, he put into the whiskey. It writhed painfully, and quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail.

"Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?" the professor asked.

Johnny (alias :joe , who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and wisely, responded, "Drink whiskey and you won't get worms."
 

Little Johnny paints a sign:

WE MOVE ANYTHING FOR A DIME

He then tells his buddy Roy to get his fire-wagon and both sit under a shade tree in Little Johnny's front yard, waiting for business.

Kathy, across the street, is not to be outdone: Her sign says

WE MOVE ANYTHING FOR A NICKEL

She tells Nellie to get her fire-wagon and both sit in Kathy's yard.

Johnny's pissed. How DARE that GIRL? Then, a flash and Johnny hauls Roy across the street. "Let's get some laughs."

Johnny asked Kathy, "Say, you move ANYTHING?"

"Sure, Johnny. Give me a nickle and I'll prove it to you."
Johnny hands her a nickle.

Kathy then says, "So, what do you want moved, Johnny?"

"Ha! I want you to move my BOWELS!"

Johnny starts cracking up laughing. Kathy thinks for a few seconds.
She then turns to Nellie and softly says, "Here, Nellie, hold this nickle while I beat the crap out of this kid."
 

One day a door-to-door salesman knocked on a door.

Little Johnny answered the door and the salesman asked if his mother was home
.
Little Johnny said "No, she is at the whore house."

The bright salesman asked if she was a prostitute, and the little boy replied, "No, she is a substitute. She only works Wednesdays and Fridays during the rush."

The salesman said, "Well I'll be a son-of-a-bitch."

Little Johnny said, "Well, I'm one too, but I don't go around knocking on doors telling folks.
 

An English teacher announced to the class; "There are two words I don't allow in my class. One is gross and the other is cool."
From the back of the room little Johnny called out, "So, what are the words?
 

The first grade teacher was starting a new lesson on multi-syllable words. She thought it would be a good idea to ask a few of the children examples of words with more than one syllable.

"Jane, Do you know any multi-syllable words?"

"After some thought Jane proudly replied with Monday."

"Great Jane. That has two syllables, Mon......day"

"Does anyone know another word."

"I do! I do!" replied Johnny.

Knowing Johnny's more mature sense of humor she picks Mike instead.

"OK Mike, what is your word."

"Saturday." says Mike.

"Great, that has three syllables..."

Not wanting to be outdone Johnny says "I know a four syllable word. Pick me! Pick me!"

Not thinking he can do any harm with a word that large the teacher reluctantly says, "O.K. Johnny what is your four syllable word?"

Johnny proudly says, "Mas...tur...ba...tion."

Shocked, the teacher, trying to retain her composure says, "Wow, Johnny. Four syllables! That's certainly is a mouthful."

"No Ma'am, you're thinking of 'blowjob', that's only two syllables!"
 

"Mummy,Mummy", called Little Johnny one day, "do you know the beautiful vase in the dining room that's been handed down from generation to generation ?"

"Yes", said his mother. "What about it?"

"Well the last generation just dropped it." exclaimed Little Johnny.
 

Little Johnny was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was doing, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Johnny?"

"My goldfish died," replied Johnny tearfully, without looking up, "and I have just buried him."

The neighbor was concerned, "Oh Johnny, I am so sorry to hear that.

But that's an awfully big hole for a little goldfish, isn't it?"

Johnny stomped his foot on the fresh earth making the grave flat and

replied, "That's because he's inside your damn cat!"

 

Little Johnny was in class, and the teacher wanted words for the letters she called out.
Rated G

She called out A and a little girl said apple.

She got all the way to W, She thought Johnny didn't know a bad word for it, so she called on him.

He said, "womb." The teacher said like the one a woman carries a baby in?

He said, "No" womb, womb, womb like two elephants screwing!"
 

The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class.

She called on him and said, "Johnny! What are 4, 2, 28 and 44?"

Little Johnny quickly replied, "NBC, CBS, HBO and the Cartoon Network!"
 

Johnny comes walking home from school one day and his mom asks him why he's so late getting home. He says that there were some construction workers building a house down the street and he stopped to watch. Mom, pretending to be interested, asks him what he saw. Johnny says, "I learned how to put up a garage door." "How do you do that?", asks the mother. He replies, "Easy! First you put the bastard up but if it ain't right you gotta' shim it up a cunt hair and if it still don't work you gotta tear the fucking thing down and start all over." Horrified, the mother sends him up to his bedroom to wait for his father to come home.

When Father gets home he goes upstairs to talk to Johnny. "What's this your mother tells me about you hanging out at a construction site?", he inquires sternly. Johnny replies, "I told Mom how to put up a garage door." "And, HOW do you do that?", asks Dad. Again, Johnny answers, "Easy! First you put the bastard up but if it ain't right you gotta' shim it up a cunt hair and if it still don't work you gotta tear the fucking thing down and start all over." Dad burst out in anger, "That's enough out of you, young man! Go outside and get me a switch!"

Johnny shoots back, "Fuck no! That's an electrician's job!"
 

It's a rainy day and Johnny is playing inside. He's in the living room, playing with his toy trains while Mom is making dinner in the kitchen. She's enjoying the sounds of her son having fun which eminate from the other room: "Ding! Ding! Wooooo! Wooooo!... All Aboard! The train is leaving the station!... Wooooo! Wooooo!... Hurry up lady! You're gonna' miss the fucking train!"

Mom immediately sends him up to his room. 30 minutes later, she tells Johnny, "If you've learned your lesson you can come back downstairs." He does and he goes back to his train set. A few minutes later Mom is listening again: "Ding! Ding! Wooooo! Wooooo!... All Aboard! The train is leaving the station!... Wooooo! Wooooo!... If you wanna' know about the half hour delay, ask that bitch in the kitchen!"
 

Teacher: "Johnny, please list the 10 Commandments in any order."

Johnny: "OK. 3, 6, 1, 8, 4, 5, 9, 2, 10, 7."
 

A teacher was teaching her second grade class about the government, so for homework that one day, she told her her students to ask their parents what the government is.

When Little Johnny got home that day, he went up to his dad and ask his what the government was.

His dad thought for a while and answered, ''Look at it this way: I'm the president, your mom is Congress, your maid is the work force, you are the people and your baby brother is the future.''

''I still don't get it'' responded the Little Johnny.

''Why don't you sleep on it then?

Maybe you'll understand it better,'' said the dad. '

'Okay then...good night'' said Little Jonny went off to bed. In the middle of the night,

Little Johnny was awakened by his baby brother's crying. He went to his baby brother's crib and found that his baby brother had taken a crap in his diaper.

So Little Johnny went to his parent's room to get help. When he got to his parent's bedroom, he looked through the keyhole to check if his parents were asleep.

Through the keyhole he saw his mom loudly snoring, but his dad wasn't there.

So he went to the maid's room. When he looked through the maid's room keyhole, he saw his dad having sex with his maid.

Little Johnny was surprised, but then he just realized something and thinks aloud, ''OH!! Now I understand the government!

The President is screwing the work force, Congress is fast asleep, nobody cares about the people, and the future is full of shit!''
 

One day at the end of class, little Johnny's teacher asks the class to go home
and think of a story to be concluded with the moral of that story.

The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story.

Little Suzy raises her hand. "My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road."

When the teacher asked for the moral of the story, Suzy replied, "Don't keep all your eggs in one basket."

Little Lucy went next. "My dad owns a farm too. Every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only eight of the 12 eggs hatched.";

Again, the teacher asked for the moral of the story. Lucy replied, "Don't count your chickens before they hatch."

Next up was little Johnny. "My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war, and his plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed but could only take a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. On the way down, he drank the case of beer. Then he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but then he ran out of bullets! So he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. Then the blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands."

The teacher looked a little shocked. After clearing her throat, she asked what possible moral there could be to this story.

"Well," Johnny replied, "Don't fuck with Uncle Ted when he's been drinking."

 

Little Johnny is a 17-year-old ninth grader who is becoming increasingly disillusioned with the public school system.

One day he got an easy homework assignment. 

All he had to do was put each of the following words in a sentence.  This is what he did....

1.  HOTEL    --    I gave my girlfriend da crabs and the HOTEL everybody.

2.  RECTUM   --    I had two Cadillacs, but my ol' lady RECTUM both.

3.  DISAPPOINTMENT   --    My parole officer tol me if I miss DISAPPOINTMENT they gonna send me back to the big house.

4.  FORECLOSE   --    If I pay alimony this month, I'll have no money  FORECLOSE.

5.  CATACOMB   --    Don King was at the fight the other night, Man, somebody give thatCATACOMB.

6.  PENIS   --    I went to da doctor and he handed me a cup and said PENIS.

7.  ISRAEL   --    Alonso tried to sell me a Rolex, I said Man, that looks fake. He said, No, ISRAEL.

8.  UNDERMINE   --    There is a fine lookin' hoe livin' in the apartment UNDERMINE.

9.  TRIPOLI   --    I was gonna buy my old lady a bra but I couldn't find no TRIPOLI.

10.  STAIN   --    My mother-in-law axed if I was STAIN for dinner again.

11.  SELDOM   --    My cousin gave me two tickets to the Knicks game, so I  SELDOM.

12.  ODYSSEY   --    I told my bro, you ODYSSEY the tits on this hoe.

13.  HORDE   --    My  sister got into trouble because she HORDE around  in school.

14.  INCOME   --    I just got in bed wit dis hoe and INCOME my wife.

15.  FORTIFY   --    I axed  da hoe how much?  And she say FORTIFY.

Little Johnny got an A.
 

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses.

She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you'restupid, stand up!"

After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up.

The teacher said,"Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?"

"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"
 

Little Johnny and his dad were out in the woods, playing hide and seek.Little Johnny has been hiding for 20 minutes, and there was still no sign of his dad. He starts to shout for his dad.... There was noresponse.

After he had been shouting for a while, a police officer came upto him and asked him what the problem was. Little Johnny explained that he had gotton seperated from his dad.

Then the officer asked, "What's your dad like?"

Little Johnny replied, "Beer, and cheap whores!!"
 

When Little Johnny's mother found out she was pregnant, she told the good news to anyone who would listen. But Little Johnny overheard some of his parents' private conversations.

One day, when Johnny and his mother were shopping, a woman asked the little boy if he was excited about the new baby.

"Yes!" Johnny answered, "And I know what we're gonna name it, too. If it's a girl, we're going to call her Christina, and if it's another boy we're going to call it Quits!"
 

Little Johnny has been having trouble keeping his pets alive. There was the dog who was starved, the cat who Johnny threw off the roof, the fish that was baked in the microwave, the bird who was cooked in the oven, and the snaked that was run over and used as a belt.

Little Johnny's father was trying to think of another animal that Little Johnny could have. He asked his buddies, his barber, the grocery man and a police officer to see if they could help with the problem. Unfortunatly, none of them had a clue what to
get poor Little Johnny. That is, until he finally asked his wife. She said, "Buy him some crabs, they live a while and they aren't easy to kill."

So the next day, Johnny's dad went to EVERY pet store and exotic animal store he could find. When he was about to give up, he went to this man who was standing at the street light he asked the man, "Sir....do you know where I could get some crabs?" The man replied, "Try that hooker on the corner....that's where I
got mine."
 

Lil' Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horses' legs, rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Pop, why are you doing that?"

"Because I'm thinking of buying these horses."

Johnny looked worried and said, "Then I think we'd better hurry home
right away!"

"Why?" his father asked.

"Because the milkman stopped by yesterday, and I think he wants to buy Mom!"
 

Little Johnny's class had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.

"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael; he's a doctor.'"

Little Johnny at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher; she's dead."   
 

Little Johnny was always late for school. Day after day he would come to class late. Finally, his teacher told him if he was late one more day he would be suspended.

So, the next morning he showed up to class late and the teacher asked him why he was late. He replied, "I was riding my bike down the hill next to the school, and my brakes gave out. At the bottom of the hill there was a goat, and my handle bar went
right up his ass." "RECTUM!" corrected the teacher. With that little Johnny repiled, "Wrecked him? Hell, it killed him!"
 

Little Johnny was in class, and the teacher wanted words for the letters she called out.

She called out A and a little girl said apple. She got all the way to W, She thought Johnny didn't know a bad word for it, so she called on him.

He said, "womb." The teacher said like the one a woman carries a baby in? He said, "No" womb, womb, womb like two elephants screwing!"
 

Little Johnny was playing outside when he really had to go to the bathroom.

He runs in and his grandma was about to take a shower. He looks at her crotch and says, “Whats that?”

She says, “Well, it's a beaver, Johnny.”

The next day the same thing happens, only his mom is taking the shower.

He says, “Mom I know what that is. It's a beaver, but I think grandma's is dead because it's tongue is hanging out.”
 

       
Little Johnny comes home one day and runs up to his mom.
"What's a bitch and a pussy?"

"Well," Mom says, "a bitch is a female dog and a pussy is a cat."

Little Johnny thinks to himself that this doesn't sound right since the other kids were calling each other that. So he goes to Dad.

"What's a bitch and a pussy?" Dad pulls out his Playboy and opens it to the centerfold. He draws a circle around the woman's pussy.

"Now that's a pussy, son! And everything else is the bitch!"
 

A salesman knocks on the door of a suburban house.

It's opened by a Little Johnny dressed in a cape that trails along the floor behind him. On his head, he's wearing a large top hat. In one hand, he holds a huge glass of brandy and in the other, a remote control. In his mouth is a smoking cigar.

"Mom and Dad in?" asks the salesman.

Little Johnny replies, "Does it fucking look like it?"
 

Little Mary and Little Johnny were 8 years old. They fell madly in love and wanted to get married so they went to Mary's dad and told him they were to get married.

Mary's father thought this was very cute and questioned them, "But where will you live?"

Little Johnny had thought of everything so he replied, "Mary's room is bigger than mine so we would live there". "

Very good" replied Mary's father.

"And where would you get money to survive?" asked Mary's dad.

"I get $10 a week in allowance," said Johnny, "and Mary gets $5, so we would have enough to survive."

Mary's father was thinking how cute that they have all this planned but was sure they would not have an answer for his next question. So he asked, "But what if Mary and you have little babies, what then?"

Little Johnny replied, "I wouldn't worry about that one. I will just keep doing her up the ass like I have been!"
 

A DAY IN THE LIFE OF LITTLE JOHNNY

Little Johnny comes home from school with a note from his teacher, indicating that "Johnny seems to be having some difficulty with the differences between boys and girls," and would his mother, "please sit down and have a talk with Johnny about this."

So johnny's mother takes him quietly, by the hand, upstairs to her bedroom, and closes the door.

- First, johnny, I want you to take off my blouse... So he unbuttons her blouse and takes it off.

- Ok, now take off my skirt... and he takes off her skirt.

- Now take off my bra... which he does.

-And now, Johnny, please take off my panties. and when Johnny finishes removing those, she says, "Johnny, PLEASE don't wear any of my clothes to school any more!"
 

A teacher decides that she is going to teach her second grade class a new word today.

She tells them that the word is ‘definitely’ and its meaning is “absolute, positive, without a doubt.”

She asks the class if anyone can think of a sentence with the word in it. She calls on little Brad who is in the back raising her hand, quite sure of herself.

Brad stands up and says, “The sky is definitely blue.”

The teacher replies to her, “Well, that's a good sentence but sometimes the sky is gray, and sometimes its cloudy, and sometimes its red and pink so the sky is not definitely blue. Anyone else?”

Joe's hand flies up and she calls on him.

Joe answers, “The water is definitely clear.”

“Well, Joe that's a good sentence but sometimes the water is muddy, and sometimes it's green, and sometimes it's full of seaweed so it's not definitely clear. Anyone else?”

Finally, in the far corner, little Johnny slowly raises his hand.

“Yes, Johnny?” asks the teacher.

“Can I ask a question, teacher?” Johnny replies.

“Yes.”

“Do farts have lumps?”

“No. Why do you ask.”

“Well, then I've definitely pooped in my pants.”    
 

Little Johnny returning home from his first day at school said to his mother, "Mum, what's sex?"

His mother, who believed in all the most modern educational theories, gave him a detailed explanation, covering all aspects of the tricky subject.When she had finished, the little Johnny produced an enrollment form which he had brought home from school and said, "Yes, but how am I going to get all that into this one little square?"   
 

"Mummy,Mummy", called Little Johnny one day, "do you know the beautiful vase in the dining room that's been handed down from generation to generation ?"

"Yes", said his mother. "What about it?"

"Well the last generation just dropped it." exclaimed Little Johnny.
 

Little Johnny Playing Doctor

After discovering her young daughter playing doctor with the neighbor's boy Little Johnny, the angry mother grabbed the boy by the ear and dragged him to his house and confronted his mother.

"It's only natural for young boys and girls to explore their sexuality by playing doctor at their age," the neighbor said.

"Sexuality?!" the mother yelled. "He took out her appendix!"
 

A first grade teacher had a small number of children gathered around a table for a reading group. After the story was read she gave the children a work sheet to do.

While they were working she heard a little Johnny say very softly "Damn!"

The teacher leaned over and said quietly, "We don't say that in school."
The little Johnny looked at the teacher, his eyes got very big and he said, "Not even when everything is all f***** up?"
 

Dog Bath  

Little Johnny walked into a grocery store and selected a large box of laundry detergent and took it to the counter.

The clerk said, "You must have a large load of clothes to wash." "Oh no," said Johnny, "I'm going to give my dog a bath."

"I don't think that is the right soap to use to bathe your dog," said the clerk.

"It'll do," said Johnny, as he paid the clerk and walked out.

A few days later Johnny goes back to the store to buy some candy.

"How's your dog?" the clerk asked. "He died", said Johnny.

"I told you that soap wasn't right for your dog," replied the clerk.

"The soap was fine," said Johnny, "but I think the spin cycle killed him."
 

A Kentucky teacher was quizzing her students. "Johnny, who signed the Declaration of Independence?" He said, "Damn if I know." She was a little put out by his swearing, so she told him to go home and to bring his father with him when he came back.

Next day, the father came with his son, sat in the back of the room to observe. She started back in on her quiz and finally got back to the boy. "Now, Johnny, I'll ask you again. Who signed the Declaration of Independence?" "Well, hell, teacher," Johnny
said, "I told you I didn't know." The father jumped up in the back, pointed a stern finger at his son, and said, "Johnny, if you signed that damn thing, hell, you damn well better admit it!"
 

Little Johnny has an assignment to create a crossword.

He creates one but he can't make up a 5 letter word starting with aP, so he goes to his father for help. "Father", he says, "I can't make up a 5 letter word starting with a P."

"That's easy, son",the father replies, "It's Penis".

"What's Penis ?"

little Johnny asks cause he has never heard that word before. So the father takes him into a private room, opens his zip and WHOOOHA bangs it on the table and the table cracks a little. "That's Penis,son!", the father says proudly.

So the next day little Johnny happily arrives to school having comleted his crossword, and finds out that his girlfriend had the same problem and no one helped her to make up a five letter word starting with a P.

So Little Johnny takes his girl friend into a private room and WHOOOHA, takes out his thing. The table cracks in half. "OOOOH,is that a penis ?", his girlfriend asks.

"No, that's just my willy", "A Penis in 5 inches shorter".
 

Little Johnny was a very good student in school.

He always got good grades, and was very polite. But one day, little Johnny had a change of mind.

It was a cold Fall morning. As usual, Johnny and his friends were goofing around at school in their class. They were making funny faces, and those unpleasant noises. The teacher didn't like their little ideas, so she said, "Johnny, boys, stop messing around!" And they still messed around. "Boys! Stop!" And they continued making faces and goofing off. "BOYS!!" she said.

"Yes, teacher?" they all said. "You mustn't make those faces. Your faces may stick that way." They sit there for a minute, with puzzled looks on their faces. After a minute or two, little Johnny said, "I guess you've learned that lesson the hard way, huh teacher?"
 

One morning Little Jonny's mother was cleaning his room, and she found an S & M magazine under the bed.

She was beside herself worrying, trying to think of how to handle the situation.

Finally her husband came home from work, and he asked her how her day was.

The mother told him about the magazine. Shaking, she asked him how they were going handle this situation.

Her husband sat there for awhile, sighed, and said, "Well, I guess spanking him is out of the question."
 

Ten year old Little Johnny rushes home from school.

He invades the fridge and is scooping out some cherry vanilla ice cream.

When his mother enters the kitchen. She says, "Put that away Johnny. You can't have ice cream now. It's too close to supper time. Go outside and play."

Johnny whimpers and says, "There's no one to play with."

Trying to placate him, she says, "OK. I'll play with you. What do you want to play?"

He says, "I wanna play Mommie and Daddy." Trying not to register surprise, and to further appease him, she says, "Fine, I'll play. What do I do?"

Johnny says, "You go up to the bedroom and lie down." Figuring that she can easily control the situation... Mom goes upstairs.

Johnny, feeling a bit cocky, swaggers down the hall and opens the utility closet. He dons his fathers old fishing hat. As he starts up the stairs he notices a cigarette butt in the ashtray on the end table. He picks it up and slips it in the corner of his mouth. At the top of the stairs he moves to the bedroom doorway.

His mother raises up and says, "What do I do now?" In a gruff manner, Johnny says, "Get your butt downstairs and get that kid some ice cream!"
 

The teacher decided to give a pop quiz on this week's spelling words.

She asked the students to spell the words and use them in a sentence,

Three of the words were hotel, stigma, and homosexual.

Little Johnny's answers were:

1. H-o-t-e-l: The president asked Monica to keep their affair secret, but Linda Trip made the ho, tel.

2. S-t-i-g-m-a: The president said to Monica, "I want you to stig-ma cigar in your you know what.

3. H-o-m-o-s-e-x-u-a-l: The president asked Monica not to wear panties because he thought it made the ho mo sexual.

Little Johnny was suspended again.......
 

Three little boys sitting on a wall, a priest walks up to them and ask the first little boy "If you could have anything in the world you want what would it be?"

Little Tommy said, "I want that black Cadillac over there!" The priest said okay.

Little Tony said, "I want that white Cadillac!" The priest agrees.

Then the priest asks Little Johnny what he would like. He says, "I want a little triangle patch of hair."

The priest says, "That's odd why would you like that?" "Well, my sister has one and she owns both those Cadillacs."
 

One day a teacher was teaching a fourth grade class a new word.

The word was fascinate. She asked the students if they could use the word in a sentence.

Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher said, “Johnny can you use the word fascinate in a sentence?”

Johnny said, “yes, this book is fascinating.”

The teacher said, “no- not fascinating, fascinate.”

Then Bobby raised his hand. Bobby said, “my sister's breasts are so big, she got a new shirt with ten buttons on it but she could only fasten eight.
 

Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?"

Little Johnny waves his hand, "Me, teacher! Oh, me, me!"

The teacher smiles and says, "All right, Johnny, what is your multi-syllable word?"

Little Johnny says, "Mas-tur-bate."

The teacher is taken aback, but she manages to smile and says, "Wow, Johnny, that's a mouthful."

Little Johnny says, "No, ma'am, you're thinking of a blowjob. I'm talking about jerking off."
 

Little Johnny replied. "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old." The man asked, "Well sonny, did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?"

Little Johnny answered, "No, he minded his own fucking business!"
 

One day Johnny was doing his homework. He was up to spelling and he needed to spell harasment. His teacher told him to have a parent recite the words so they can practice writing it so Johnny looks up to his mother and says, "Mom, how do you spell harasment?" His mother replies, "You know I can't tell you. Just sound it out." With that Johnny wrote down on the paper.

The next day at school Johnny's teacher calls him to the front of the class and asks him to use harasment in a sentence. Johnny holds his paper up to his face and looks down at number 10. "Her ass meant so much to me."
 

Little Johnny walks into a city bus and sits right behind the driver and starts yelling, ''If my dad was a bull and my mom a cow I'd be a little bull.''

The driver starts getting mad at the noisy kid, who continues with, ''If my dad was an elephant and my mom a girl elephant I would be a little elephant.''

The kid goes on with several animals until the bus driver gets angry and yells at the kid, ''What if your dad was gay and your mom was a prostitute?!''

Little Johnny smiles and says, ''I would be a bus driver!''
 

One day in a kindergarten class, a young boy went up to a girl,pulled down his pants and asked, "What's this?"

The little girl said that she didnt know.

Then later that day she went up to him and pulled her pants down and asked, "What's this?"

The little boy said that he didnt know.

That day after school each child went home.

When the little boy got home he pulled down his pants and asked his brother, "Whats this?" his brother replies, "That is your limo. You can park it in any garage you want to." Satisfied with the answer, the little boy went to his room.

At the same time at the little girl's house she pulled down her pants and asked her sister, "What this?" and her sister told her, "That is your garage. Dont let ANY limo park in it." Satisfied, the little girl went to her room.

The next day in class the boy went over to the little girl, pulled down his
pants and said, "My big brother said that this is my limo and I can park it in ANY garage I want to."

The little girl pulled her pants down and said, "Well, my sister told me this is my garage and I cant let ANY limos park in it."

When the little girl went home, her hands were all bloody.

Her sister asked her what happened and the little girl said, "A limo tried to get into my garage, and I pulled its front wheels off."
 

Baby Talk

Little Johnny came running into the house and asked, "Mommy, can little girls have babies?"

"No," said his mom, "Of course not."

Little Johnny then ran back outside and his mom heard him yell to his friends, "It's okay, we can play that game again!" v
 

Little Johnny was in class and the teacher announced that they were going to try something different to help everyone get to know each other a little better, and to help with their spelling.
She explained, "I want you to stand up and give us the occupation of your father, spell it, and say one thing he would give us all if he was here today."

The first student raised her hand to volunteer.

"Marcy," the teacher said. "You may go first."

Marcy replied, "My father is a banker. B-A-N-K-E-R and if he was here today, he would give us all a shiny new penny."

The teacher said, "Very nice, Marcy, who wants to go next?"

Kevin stood up and announced, "My father is a baker. B-A-K-E-R and if he was here today, he would give us all a freshly-baked cookie."

"Very good," the teacher told Kevin.

Jeff was next, and he said, "My father is an accountant. A-K, no wait, A-C-K, no..."

Before he could attempt to spell it once more, the teacher cut him off and told him to sit back down and to think about it for a while. When he thought he knew how to spell it, he could stand back up and try again.

Little Johnny raised his hand in excitement hoping to be acknowledged by the teacher. The teacher called on little Johnny to go next.

Johnny said, "My father is a bookie. B-O-O-K-I-E and if he was here today, he would give us all 20:1 odds Jeff will never be able to spell "accountant."

 

One day while Jonny was in class, his friend dared him to ask what a purple blurple is. So Jonny raised his hand and the teacher called on him, cuz everyone knows Jonny. Jonny asked, "Whats a purple blurple?"

"Jonny! How dare you ask such a horrible question! I'm taking you to the principal's office!" The teacher screamed. So she took Jonny to the principal's office and threw him on the waiting couch. When it was Jonny's turn, the principal said, "Come in Jonny, did your teacher have you come down to give me some thing or tell me something?" Cuz everyone knows Jonny. Jonny stepped in and said, "Well, all I did was ask the teacher what a purple blurple is..." "Jonny! Take your things and
leave school, never come back!" the principal raged. So Jonny school and went home to his house. He knocked on the door and his mother answered.

"Why hi Jonny, whats up? Why are you home early?"His mother asked. "Well, my teacher sent me to the principal's office and the principal sent me home!"Jonny explained. "Why...did that happen?"His mother asked. "Cuz all I did was ask what a purple blurple is!"

"Jonny! Go up to your room and have your father deal with you once he gets home!"She yelled. So Jonny went up to his room and waited for three hours when he heard a knock. "Come in," Jonnysaid. Jonny's father entered and said, "Jonny why is yourmother so upset?" Jonny replied, "Well, my teacher sent me up the principal's office, who sent me home, then mom sent me up to my room and that's it!" "Why did all this happen?" Jonny's father asked. "Cuz I asked what a purple
blurple is."

"Jonny! Pack your bags! I want you out of this house in ten minutes!!" His father screamed. So Jonny packed what was important and that he could carry and the door. Hewas walking down the street when Bob the cab driver came. "Hi Jonny!" Cuz everyone knows Jonny. "What's with all the luggage?Why don't I give you a ride and you can explain." So JonnyClimbed into the cab and started, "My teacher sent me to the principal's office...the airport please...and the principal sent me home and my mom sent me to my room and my dad threw me out ofthe house!" "And why did that happen? What did you do?" Bob asked. "All I did was ask what a purple blurple was." heexplained.

"Jonny! Get out of this cab!" Bob yelled as he slammed on the breaks. Jonny got out of the cab and took his luggage. By this time Jonny was only 100 feet away from the airport so he walked the rest of the way. He had no money so he slid in a corner and slept there.

A flight attendant found him in the morning, "Hi Jonny!" Cuz everyone knows Jonny. "Why are you in a corner in the airport." "It's a realy long story, I was kicked out of my house." Jonny summarised. "Ohhh, that's horrible, how about we give you a
free trip to anywhere." So, Jonny went on a jet to anywhere and everywhere. The p Jonny explained all that had happened. "Why?" Is all the pilot had to ask. "All I did
was ask what a purple blurple was!" The pilot got a parachute on Jonny and threw him out the door. Jonny landed next to the President of Amierica.

"Hi Jonny!" Cuz everyone knows Jonny. "What brings you to Rome?" Jonny explained what happened."...And then the pilot threw me out the window!" "Well, that's quite an interesting story. Why did, ah, that happen?" the president asked. "Well, all I asked was what a purple blurple is!"

"Jonny! What an inappropriate question! You need to go talk tothe Pope!!" So, the president takes Jonny over to the Pope."Hi Jonny!" Cuz everyone knows Jonny. "Tell me your story."Jonny explained everything to the Pope. "But, why, my son?" "I
asked what a purple Blurple is."

"Jonny! I need you to go talk to my councelor, he overheard everything, just go talk with him." So, Jonny stepped over to the councelor. "Hi Jonny!" Cuz everyone knows Jonny. "I know your story, let's cross the street and get some ice cream and
talk this over." So the councelor walked across the street and motioned Jonny to do so. Jony was hit by a car.

What's the Moral of this story?(scroll down)
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Answer:Look both ways before crossing the street!

Little Johnny comes home one day and says to his mom, ''Mom! Little Mark next door has a penis like a peanut.''

''What do you mean, Johnny? It's shaped like a peanut?''

''No," says Johnny. ''It's salty.''
 

One day little Johnny was walking up a hill pulling his red wagon behind him saying,"Fuck this," "Fuck that."

The town priest hears this and walks up to Johnny and says,"You shouldn't swear like that, Johnny. God is all around us."

"Is he in the sky?" asks Johnny.

"Yes," says the priest.

"Is he in that bush over there?" asks Johnny.

"Yes," says the priest."

Is he in my wagon?" asked Johnny.

"Yes," says the priest.

"Well tell him to get the fuck out and push!!!"
 

Little Johnny walked into his dad's bedroom one day only catch him sitting on the side of his bed sliding on a condom.

Johnny's father, in an attempt to hide his full erection with a condom on it, bent over as if to look under the bed.

Little Johnny asked curiously, "What 'cha doing dad?"

His father quickly replied, "I thought I saw a rat go underneath the bed."

Little Johnny replied, "Whatcha gonna do, screw him?"
 

One day, Little Johnny's class was reviewing the alphabet.

His teacher knew that he had an ''advanced'' vocabulary for his age, so she was trying to avoid calling on him.

When the teacher asked for a word beginning with "A", Little Johnny raised his hand.

The teacher knew he would say "ass" so she called on Mary Lou, who said ''apple".

This continued through most of the alphabet, because his teacher knew that there was a cuss word that Johnny would say for every letter of the alphabet.

Then she got to ''R''. She thought for a moment, but couldn't think of any cuss words that began with R, so she called on Johnny.

''R is for rats - big FUCKING rats, with twelve-inch cocks!
 

Sex Education

A teacher was telling her students about human anatomy in a sex education class.

She took her pointer and pointed to the picture of a male and a female. "

The female has two breasts and one vagina.

The male has one penis."

LittleJonny in the front row jumped up and said that the teacher was wrong.

"My daddy has two penises. He has a short one that he pees with and a long one that he brushes Mommy's teeth with!"

 

Ok, So Johnny's a little older here.

Sitting in the bar, George asked Johnny, 40, "How come you aren't married?"

"I haven't found the right woman yet," said Johnny.

"So what are you looking for?" asked George.

"Oh she's got to be real pretty," explained Johnny, "a good cook 'n house keeper, - well and she's got to know how to handle money, - a really nice and pleasant personality is a must, - and money, she's got to have money, - and a home, a nice big house, is what she has to have."

"A woman like that would be crazy to marry YOU!" said George.

"Oh, it's okay if she's crazy," said Johnny.
 

Little Johnny was sitting in the cafeteria, minding his own business when all of a sudden this great big guy comes in and -- WHACK!!-- Knocks him clean off the chair and onto the floor. The big guy says, "That was a karate chop from Korea."

Little Johnny thinks "GEEZ," but he gets back up on the chair when all of a sudden -- WHACK -- the big guy knocks him down AGAIN and says, "That was a judo chop from Japan."

Little Johnny has had enough of this so ... he gets up, brushes himself off and quietly leaves. He returns a few minutes later. Without saying a word, he walks up behind the big idiot and -Bong!!!"--Bangs the big guy off his chair, knocking him out cold!!!

Little Johnny then looks at the other students and says, "When he comes to, tell him that was a crowbar from Sears."
 

One day little Johnny went to his father, and asked him if he could buy him a $200 bicycle for his birthday. Johnny's father said, "Johnny, we have a $80,000 mortgage on the house, and you want me to buy you a bicycle? Wait until Christmas."

Christmas came around, and Johnny asked again. The father said, "Well, the mortgage is still extremely high, sorry about that. Ask me again some other time."

Well, about 2 days later, the boy was seen walking out of the house with all his belongings in a suitcase. The father felt sorry for him, and asked him why he was leaving.

The boy said, "Yesterday I was walking past your room, and I heard you say that you were pulling out, and mommy said that you should wait because she was coming too,

"And I'll be DAMNED if I get stuck with a $80,000 mortgage!"

Little Johnny is returning home from the store swinging a loaf of bread in one hand. His other hand in his pants pocket.

Off in the distance, Father Joseph sees little Johnny and considers, "This is a good opportunity to say something from the bible to little Johnny."

Father Joseph approaches little Johnny and says, "I see that you have the Staff of Life in one hand." "Yep," replies little Johnny. "And I have a loaf of bread in the other!"

 

What to Grow

One day the teacher asked the second grade class that if they had one square foot of land what would they grow and why did they think they could make money?

Jessica raised her hand, "I would grow apples." The teacher asked, "Why would you grow apples, Jessica?" "Because I could sell apples, sell apple juice, and feed myself." "Very good." The teacher replied.

Tommy raised his hand next, "I would grow oranges because I could sell the oranges, sell orange juice, and feed myself." "Excellent, Tommy." The teacher praised him.

Little Johnny raised his hand, "I would definitely grow hair." The teacher was a little puzzled, "How could you make money by growing hair?" Little Johnny replied, "I don't know, but my sister only has a triangle of hair, and she makes a lot of money!"
 

Let's call her Little Johnette

A little girl is very bored in her house when she looked out herwindow. To her surprise there were a bunch of little boys out there.

She said "Oh mommy! Can I go see if those boys will let me play? I'm so bored! I'll be back for supper! I promise!"

Her mother looked out the window and said "No, boys, they're just too rough! I think you should stay inside with me for awhile ... want to help with dinner?"

"No," she said. She looked out the window for about ten minutes then in a quiet voice asked her mother "If I can find a nice smoooooooth one, can I play with him???"
 

Little Johnny's Subsitute Teacher

Little Johnny was walking down the hallway at school.

When he reaches his classroom he looks inside and sees a sub instead of his regular teacher.

Johnny sits down and the teacher says, “Now students, my name is Ms. Prussy. Not the other word, this word has an r after the first letter.”

Johnny started laughing. An hour later he forgot her name and said, “Your name has an r after the first letter -- is it Ms. Crunt?”

Little Johnny came home from school one day slightly confused.

His mother was Jewish and his father was Hispanic.

So Johnny says,"Mum, am I more Jewish or more Hispanic?"

"What does it really matter? You'll just have to ask your father", his mother tells him.

So Johnny's father gets home from work and Johnny asks the same question,

"Dad, am I more Jewish or more Hispanic?"

"What kind of a question is that, does it really matter? Why do you want to know if you're more Jewish or more Hispanic?" asks his dad.

"Well, it's like this dad. Tommy down the street wants to sell his bicycle for $50, I don't know whether to talk him down to $25, or wait till dark and steel the fucking thing!"
 

They would always comment that he was two bricks shy of a load, or two pickles short of a barrel. To prove it, sometimes they would offer Johnny his choice between a nickel (5 cents) and a dime (10 cents) and John would always take the nickel -- they said, because it was bigger.

One day after John grabbed the nickel, the store owner took him aside and said, "Johnny, those boys are making fun of you. They think you don't know the dime is worth more than the nickel. Are you grabbing the nickel because it's bigger or what?"

Slowly, Johnny turned toward the store owner and a big grin appeared on his face and Johnny said, "Well, if I took the dime, they'd stop doing it, and so far I've saved $20!"

 

The teacher was writing the children's homework on the blackboard when she reached a little higher than usual.

A boy in the first row said,"Wow teacher, I can see the calf of your leg."

The teacher spun around and, shaking her finger in the boy's face said,"You get out of this room and go to the principal's office. You are expelled for two weeks."

After the boy left the room, the teacher started to write on the blackboard again and she reached a little higher.

Another boy said,"Oh wow teacher, I can see your thigh."

The teacher, really angry now, said,"You go to the principal's office. You are expelled for two months!"

After he left the room, the teacher turned to the board again and, being very nervous, broke the chalk. It fell to the floor and, when she bent over to pick it up.

Little Johnny got up and, as he left the room, shouted, "Thank you Lord! My school days are over!!!"
 

A Sunday School teacher was speaking to her class one Sunday morning and she asked the question, "When you die and go to Heaven, which part of your body goes first?"

Suzie raised her hand and said, "I think it's your hands. "Why do you think it's your hands, Suzie?" Suzie replied, "Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first!"

"What a wonderful answer!" the teacher said.

Now, Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "Teacher, I think it's your legs."

The teacher looked at him with the strangest look on her face. "Now, Little Johnny, why do you think it would be your legs?"

"Little Johnny said, "Well, I walked into Mommy and Daddy's bedroom the other night.

Mommy had her legs straight up in the air and she was going, "Oh God, I'm coming!

If Dad hadn't had her pinned down, we'd a lost her for sure."
 

"It ain't my fault, Miss Crabtree. You can blame this on my Dad. The reason I'm three hours late is Dad sleeps nights in the raw!"

Now, Miss Crabtree had taught grammar school for thirty-some-odd years. So she asked Little Johnny what he meant by that, despite her mounting fears.

Full of grins and mischief, and in the flower of his youth, Little Johnny and Trouble were old friends, but he always told the truth.

"You see, Miss Crabtree, at the ranch we got this here low-down coyote. The last few nights it done et six hens and killed Ma's best milk goat. And last night when Dad heard a noise out in the chicken pen, he grabbed his gun and said to Ma, "That coyote's back again, I'm a gonna git him!"

"Stay back, he yelled to all us kids, I wouldn't want ya hurt!" He was naked as a jaybird, no boots, no pants, no shirt!

To the henhouse he crawled, just like an Injun on the snoop. Then he stuck that double barrel through the window of the coop. As he stared into the darkness, with coyotes on his mind, our old hound dog Zeke had done woke up and come a sneakin' up behind Dad.

Then we all looked on plumb helpless as Dad was cold-nosed without warnin.'"Miss Crabtree, we been cleanin' chickens since three o'clock this mornin'!"
 

Four year old Johnnie's mom was giving him a bath and noticed scratches on his tummy.

She asked him how they got there and he replied "I'll never tell."

She said "I will buy you the little red firetruck you want if you will tell me."

Again Johnnie said "I will never tell."

When Johnie's father got home from work Johnie's mother told him about the scratches and asked him to see if he could find out how they got there.

So Johnnie's dad went to tell him goodnight and said "Johnnie, how did you get the scratches on your tummy?"

Johnnie responded "I'll never tell."

Dad said "I'll buy you the little red wagon you want if you will tell me."

But Johnnie's reply was again "I'll never tell" so Dad kissed him goodnight and left the room.

As he lay in the bed waiting for sleep to come Johnnie was talking to himself aloud and said "If my Mom wants to buy me that firetruck - that's her business; If my Dad wants to buy me that red wagon -that's his business; but if I want my cat to have kittens - THAT'S MY BUSINESS!

Little Johnny is sitting in a biology class, and the teacher says that an interesting phenomenon of nature is that only humans stutter, no other animal in the world does this.

Johnny's hand shoots up. "Not correct, Miss!" he says.

"Please explain, Johnny," replies the teacher.

"Well, Miss, the other day I was playing with my cat on the verandah.

The neighbours' Great Danecame around the corner, and my cat went "ffffffffff! ffffffffffff! ffffffffff!", and before he could say "F*CK OFF!", the dog ate him!"
 

Little Johnny stares at his test paper. A big red "F" stares back at him.

Freddie looks at his glum friend and asks, "Why did you get such a low grade on that test?"

"Because of an absence," Johnny answers.

"You mean you were absent on the day of the test?" Freddie asks.

Little Johnny replies, "No, but the kid who sits next to me was."

Suzy is sitting in class and she starts bleeding.

She whispers her problem to the teacher who tells her not to worry too much, just go home right now to her mother, and she will explain what happened.

On her way home she meets Little Johnny who has been cutting school.

Little Johnny asks Suzy "Where are you going?"

"I'm going home because I'm bleeding," says Suzy.

"Where ya bleeding?" asks Little Johnny.

So Suzy pulls down her blood soaked panties and shows him.

Little Johnny steps back in horror and says,"Who ripped your dick off?"
 

Johnny was at his first day of school.

The teacher advised the class to start the day with the pledge of allegiance, and instructed them to put their right hands over their hearts and repeat after him.

He looked around the room as he started the recitation, "I pledge allegiance to the flag..." When his eyes fell on Johnny, he noticed Johnny's hand over the right cheek of his buttocks."

Johnny, I will not continue till you put you hand over your heart."

Johnny replied, "It is over my heart."

After several attempts to get Johnny to put his hand over his heart, the teacher asked, "Why do you think that is your heart?"

"Because every time my Grandma comes to visit, she picks me up, pats me here, and says, 'Bless your little heart,' and my Grandma wouldn't lie."

 

The new school year started and the grade school teacher wanted the students to tell a brief story about summer vacation.

Several students eagerly raised their hands including little Johnny.

The teacher asked Alice to tell a story: "We took a trip to the Grand Canyon during vacation," Alice said. "We rode donkeys down a steep trail to the bottom of the canyon, it was really fun.

"The teacher asked for another volunteer and several students eagerly raised their hands including little Johnny. She was afraid to call on Little Johnny because he had a filthy mouth last year.

The teacher chose Fred: "My Dad and I went on a fishing trip way out in the country. We stopped at a small pond; I cast my lure into the pond and caught the biggest trout we'd ever seen! We started a campfire and cooked the trout, it was great!" Fred reported.

"That nice Fred, now how about another volunteer." Several students were waving their hands.

The teacher made the mistake and felt sorry for little Johnny. She decided to give him another chance.

"Go ahead Johnny."

"My Dad and I went on a deer hunting trip. We saw a huge 18 point buck in the field, my Dad aimed and shot it right in the asshole," Johnny said.

The teacher was angry, "Johnny, you mean rectum," she said.

"Wrecked'im? You bet it wrecked'im, shot his balls clean off," answered Johnny.
 

The teacher asked little Johnny if he knows his numbers.

"Yes," he said. "I do. My father taught me."

"Good. What comes after three?

"Four," answers the boy.

"What comes after six?"

"Seven."

"Very good," says the teacher.

"Your dad did a good job. What comes after ten?"

"A jack," smiles little Johnny.

 

Little Johnny's teacher decided that the children should learn about mime, so she had each of them develop a speech, which was to be relayed by using motion only. When Little Johnny's turn came, he stood up in front of the class:

"Ladies (grabbing chest) and gentlemen (grabbing crotch)..."

Little Johnny's teacher wasn't amused, so she sent him to the Principal's office. Little Johnny explained what happened, so the sympathetic Principal told him to revise his speech as follows:

"Ladies (motioning woman's curves) and gentlemen (making a muscle with his arm)..."

Little Johnny went back to class and proceeded to give his speech again:

"Ladies (motioning woman's curves) and gentlemen (making a muscle with his arm), it gives me great pleasure (whacking-off motion)..."
 

Little Johnny, stuttering, asked his mom, "Mmmama why I tttalk like ttthis."

She replied, "I don't know ask your dad."

Little Johnny went to his dad and asked, "Dddad why I tttalk like
ttthis!"

His father said, "I don't know ask your sister."

So Little Johnny asked his sister and she said she didn't know.

Little Johnny was in the yard kicking rocks when the postman walks up.

Little Johnny asked, "MMMr. why I tttalk like ttthis!"

The postman replied,"BBBoy ggget away fffrom me bbbefore I ggget in
tttrouble!!!
 

Little Johnny's mother decided to tell him all about making babies, so she had "the talk" with him.

Afterwards Little Johnny just sat there silently for awhile.

"Do you understand?" his mother asked.

"Yes," replied Little Johnny."

Do you have any questions?" asked his Mother.

"Yes, how about little kittens and puppies?" asked Little Johnny.

"In exactly the same way as with babies", answered his Mom.

"Wow!" Little Johnny exclaimed. "My daddy will fuck ANYTHING!"

Little Johnny was in trouble again.....He was charged with the rape of a grown woman, and all though the crime seemed highly improbable, the state's evidence
was overwhelming.

As a last desperate move, the defense counsel came over to the witness stand, pulled down Little Johnny's pants, and grabbed the boy's tiny penis for all to
see. "Ladies and gentlemen,"the lawyer cried turning toward the jury box, "surely you cannot believe that such a small still undeveloped organ is sexually mature?"

Growing more agitated he went on, "How could this miniature member be capable even of erection, let alone the rape of a fully grown woman."

"WATCH IT," yelped Little Johnny. "One more shake and you'll lose the case!"
 

Teacher "Johnny, I told you to get out pencils and paper."

Johnny "I ain't got none."

Teacher "Johnny! Where's your grammar?"

Johnny "She's in Cleveland, but she ain't got none either."
 

A Sunday School teacher of preschoolers told her students that she wanted each of them to have learned one fact about Jesus by the next Sunday.

The following week she asked each child in turn what he or she had learned.

Susie said, "He was born in a manger."

Bobby said, "He threw the money changers out of the temple."

Little Johnny said, "He has a red pickup truck but he doesn't know how to drive it."

Curious, the teacher asked, "And where did you learn that, Johnny?"

"From my Daddy," said Johnny. "Yesterday we were driving down the highway, and this red pickup truck pulled out in front of us and Daddy yelled at him, 'Jesus Christ! Why don't you learn how to drive?'"
 

Little Johnny and his dad were on an overcrowded elevator.

Suddenly a lady in the front turned around, slapped Little Johnny's dad, and then left in a huff."

That sure is a nasty lady," Little Johnny's dad said.

Little Johnny remarked, "I didn't like her either, Daddy. She stepped on my toe, so I pinched her butt.
 

A little Johnny is sent to bed by his father.

Five minutes later...."Da-ad...."

"What?"

"I'm thirsty. Can you bring drink of water?"

"No. You had your chance. Lights out."

Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad....."

WHAT?"

"I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??"

"I told you NO!" If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!"

Five minutes later......"Daaaa-aaaad....."

"WHAT!"

"When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?"
 

The pastor was talking to a group of young children about being good and going to heaven. At the end of his talk, he asked, "Where do you want to go?"

"Heaven!" Suzy cried out.

"And what do you have to be to get there?" asked the preacher.

"Dead!" yelled Little Johnny.

Little Johnny is walking down the street leading the giraffe.

A cop says, "Kid, where you going?"

Johnny says, "I'm taking this giraffe to get mated."

The cop says, "Where?"

Johnny lifts up the giraffe's tail, points to her snatch, and says, "Right there."
 

In school the lesson was about the word "contagious".

The teacher asked the class if anyone could use the word contagious in a sentence.

One girl raised her hand and said, "I had the chicken pox and I couldn't go outside and play because it was contagious."

The teacher replied, "That was good. Can anyone else use contagious in a sentence?"

One of the boys said, "I couldn't go over my friend's house because he had a cold and my mother said it was contagious."

The teacher replied, "That's good. Anyone else?"

Little Johnny said, "Last week when we had the snowstorm, my father took the snowblower and blew all the snow into my neighbor's driveway."

The teacher was upset and said, "That was a horrible thing to do. And besides, it has nothing to do with the lesson."

Johnny spoke up, "Yes it does. My father came in the house laughing, saying it will take the contagious to shovel herself out."
 

A primary school teacher decided to see how many of the city kids knew what sounds farm animals made. She asked the kids to put their hands up if they knew the correct sound.

"Who knows what sound a cow makes?" she asked.

Cindy put her hand up and said, "Moooo!"

"Very good," replied the teacher. "What sound does a sheep make?"

"Baaaa!" answered Jimmy.

She continued this for a while. Then she asked, "What sound does a pig make?"

All the hands in the class went up. She chose Little Johnny at the back of the class. He stood up, took a deep breath, and screamed, "Up against the wall, mother-
f*cker!"
 

Little Johnny had a cussing problem and his father was getting tired of it.

He decided to ask his shrink what to do.

The shrink said, "Since Christmas is coming up, you should ask Johnny what he wants Santa to bring him. If he cusses while he tells you his wish list, leave a pile of dog poop in place of the gift or gifts he requests."

Two days before Christmas, Johnny's father asked him what he wanted for Christmas.

"I want a damn teddy-bear laying right beside me when I wake-up. When
I go downstairs I want to see a damn train going around the damn tree. And when I go outside I want to see a damn bike leaning up against the damn garage."

Christmas morning, Little Johnny woke up and rolled over into a pile of dog poop. Confused, he walked down stairs and saw another pile under the tree. Scratching his head, he walked outside and saw a huge pile of dog poop by the garage.

When Johnny walked back inside with a curious look on his face, his dad smiled and asked, "What did Santa bring you this year?"

Johnny replied, "I think I got a dog but I can't find the son-of-a-bitch!"
 

At school Little Johnny was told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth."

Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out. He goes home, and as he is greeted by his mother he says, "I know the whole truth."

His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father."

Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth." The father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother."

Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door.

The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth." The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, "Then come give your real father a big hug."

 

After church, Little Johnny tells his parents he has to go and talk to the minister right away. They agree, and the pastor greets the family.

"Pastor," Johnny says, "I heard you say today that our bodies came from the dust."

"That's right, Johnny, I did," he says.

"And I heard you say that when we die, our bodies go back to dust."

"Yes, I'm glad you were listening," the pastor replies. "Why do you ask?"

"Well you better come over to our house right away and look under my bed 'cause there's someone either comin' or goin'!"
 

One day Little Johnny's teacher decided to play a spelling game where she gave a letter of the alphabet and the kids have to spell a word starting with that letter and then use it in a sentence. Starting with A Little Johnny's hand is continually in the air, but the teacher ignores him, because she afraid he'll be rude again.

"Yes, Susan?" says the teacher.

"Miss, A is for Ape, A-P-E, An ape likes bananas" says Susan.

"Excellent " says the teacher, she goes on through the alphabet.

Finally she reach F. Now she will NOT let Little Johnny answer this under any circumstances so she asks Mary.

"F is for Fairy F-A-I-R-Y, they're little girls who lives among the flowers" says Mary.

"Great" says the teacher, "now we get to G."

Suddenly only Little Johnny has his hand up so the teacher thinks about this and decides G is a 'safe' one.

"Yes Johnny?"

"Miss G is for Gnome G-N-O-M-E. A Gnome lives among theflowers too."

"Little Johnny ! That's Excellent!" exclaims the teacher, being very happy that for once he wasn't out of line.

"Yes Miss he's the one who fucks the Fairies!" replies Little Johnny.

The Teacher asked, "All right children, who can tell me what a chicken gives?"

Mary answered, "A chicken gives eggs!"

The Teacher then asked, "Now who can tell me what a goat gives?"

Paul answered, "A goat gives goat milk!"

Finally the Teacher asked,"Well now, who can tell me what the cow gives?"

Little Johnny replied, "Fcking homework and tests!"
 

Little Johnny asked, "Mommy, where do babies come from?"

His mother replied, "The stork brings them.

"Then who fucks the stork?
 

A very dirty little Johnny came in from playing in the yard and asked his mother, "Who am I?"

Ready to play the game she said, "I don't know! Who are you?"

"WOW!" cried the child. "Mrs. Johnson was right! She said I was so dirty, my own mother wouldn't recognize me!"
 

The first grade teacher. Miss Figpot asked Little Johnnie, "Johnnie if I gave you two
rabbits and then two more rabbits and thentwo more rabbits, how many would you have?"

Johnnie replied, "Seven rabbits, Miss Figpot."

The teacher asked again, "Listen Johnnie, If I gave you two rabbits, plus two more rabbits,plus two more rabbits, how many rabbits would you have altogether?"

Johnnie smiled, "That's easy, Teacher, I would have seven."

"Ok Johnnie," Miss Figpot said. "Let's try it a different way. If I gave you two cans of Pepsi,plus two more cans of Pepsi, plus two more cans of Pepsi. How many cans of Pepsi would you have?"

"Six cans." Johnnie answered.

"OK," said the teacher. "Now think of that with this question. If I gave you two rabbits, then two more rabbits, then two more rabbits how many would you have?"

"Seven, Teacher." Johnnie replied.

Exasperated, Miss Figpot asked, "Why seven?"

Johnnie replied, "Because I already have one rabbit at home!"
 

One day they decide that they want to get married, so Johnny goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand. Johnny bravely walks up to him and says "Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."

Thinking that this was the cutest thing, Mr.Smith replies, "Well Johnny, you are only 10. Where will you two live?"

Without even taking a moment to think about it, Johnny replies "In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."

Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr.Smith says with a huge grin,"Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny."

Again, Johnny instantly replies, "Our allowance...Jenny makes 5 bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month, and that should do us just fine."

By this time Mr. Smith is a little shocked that Johnny has put so much thought into this. So, he thinks for a moment trying to come up with something that Johnny won't have an answer to.

After a second, Mr. Smith says, "Well Johnny, it seems like you have got everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you. What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?"

Johnny just shrugs his shoulders and says "Well, we've been lucky so far..."
 

One day, during a lesson on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice.

First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."

Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael. "My mommy planned a beautifulbanquet and it turned out beautifully," he said. "Excellent, Michael!"

Then, the teacher called on little Johnny. "Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said, Beautiful, just fucking beautiful!'"
 

After much discussion on his mother's part, he still didn't like it.

He asked his mother why they had to have another baby, his mother told him that God was sending the baby to them and that God didn't make any mistakes.

Little Johnny thought about it for a few minutes and then said, "This time He did!"

 

The class assignment in composition was to write about something unusual that happened during thepast week.

Little Johnny got up to read his. "Papa fell in the well last week - " he began.

"Good heavens," shrieked Mrs. Krup, the teacher."Is he all right now?""He must be," said little Johnny. "He stopped yelling for help yesterday."
 

Little Johnny walked into the kitchen, saw his mother making a cake and announced, "I'll be playing in my room for the next two hours. I sure would like a piece of cake when you're finished."

Later, when his mother brought him a piece of cooled cake, Little Johnny exclaimed, "Golly, it worked!"

Puzzled, his mother asked, "What do you mean?"

Little Johnny replied, "Daddy said that in order to get a piece around here, you have to be real nice and spend a couple of hours playing first!"
 

Little Johnny walks into school 20 minutes late. "Sorry I'm late," he says, "but I didn't get my fucking breakfast."

"How dare you use language like that!" says the teacher, "stand in the corner!"

She then carries on with the geography lesson. "Who can tell me where the Canadian border is?" she asks. No one in the class answers.

Little Johnny puts his hand up. The teacher ignores him and continues to ask. Still no one answers so reluctantly she says to Johnny "OK, then where is the Canadian border?"

Little Johnny replies "He's in bed with my Mom, that's why I didn't get any fucking breakfast!"
 

Little Johnny was late for class, and when he saw that the door was already closed, he opened it and went into the classroom tentatively. He very quietly shut the door and tiptoed to his seat hoping not to get the teacher after him.

This upset the teacher, who said him, "Johnny, is this how your father would have come in - late and sneaking to his seat? Go out and try it again, and get it right this time!"

So, Little Johnny left the room and shut the door behind him quietly, as he'd come in.Then a moment later, he flung open the door with a clatter and stomped back into the room with a lit cigarette dangling from his lips. He slammed the door behind him, put his cigarette out on the carpet with his foot and said, "So Honey, didn't expect ME, didya?"
 

Teacher: Little Johnny, why are you late to class?

Johnny: Because of a road sign I had to pass.

Teacher: And what does the sign have to do with it?

Johnny: It says, "School Ahead", go slow."
 

One day, little Johnny's mother walked by her young son's room and sees little Johnny masturbating. Later, she has a talk with him and tells him that good little boys save it until they are married.

A few weeks later, the mom is having another talk with little Johnny. "How are you doing with that problem we talked about, dear?" she asks.

Little Johnny cheerfully replied, "Great! So far, I've saved nearly a quart!"
 

Little Johnny said to his aunt Tess, "Geez, Aunty Tess, you're as ugly as a hatful of assholes!"

While the old aunt reeled in horror at the remark, Johnny's mother, who had overheard this, pulled Johnny into the kitchen and gave him a whack round the earhole.

"You naughty horrible boy!" she screamed, "How can you say to your dear old aunt that she's ugly! You get yourself right back in there and apologize to her! Go on, tell her how sorry you are!"

Little Johnny entered the living room, walked over to his aunt and said, "Aunt Tess, I am sorry you're as ugly as a hatful of assholes."
 

The class was studying the Middle Ages, and all the kids were having fun learning about chivalry and knights and such.

Finally, it came time for all the Knights to become 'Knighted' it
was then, that little Johnny asked the teacher, "Do all the ladies get 'Laid' tomorrow?"

 

The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class.

She called on him and said, "Johnny! What are 4, 2, 28 and 44?"

Little Johnny quickly replied, "NBC, CBS, HBO, and the Cartoon Network!"
 

Little Johnny had been bringing his drawings home from kindergarten every day since he started a month ago.

Each day his mother admired the pictures and hung them on the refrigerator. One thing started bothering her. Little Johnny only used black and browns for his drawings.

Fearing a problem and not wanting it to get worse, she decided to take him to a child psychologist.The psychologist delicately went to work. He gave Little Johnny a battery of psychological tests. He chatted with Little Johnny. Everything seemed perfectly normal. Every day for two weeks, the tests continued. Yet everyday, Little Johnny continued to bring home drawings in only blacks and browns.

Frustrated at not being able to get to the root of the problem and fearful that something was terribly wrong, the child psychologist decided to give Little Johnny some paper and a box of crayons and observe what happened.

Little Johnny opened the box of crayons and said, "Oh, Boy! A new box of crayons! At school we only have old boxes. The only ones left in mine are black and brown!"
 

Little Johnny's teacher was asking all the kids in the class what their parents did for a living.

Little Mary got up and said "my Dad is a pilot, and my Mommy is an architect."

"Great," said the teacher.

Michael got up and said " my Dad is a Doctor, and my Mom is a housewife."

"Good," said the teacher.

Johnny was last in the class and when he got up he said: "My Mommy, she is a substitute."

Knowing better about his background and always striving to correct the kids, the teacher said, "you mean she is a Prostitute."

"No," Said Johnny, "my Sister, she is the Prostitute,but when she does not feel well, my Mommy substitutes."

 

Teacher: Little Johnny, if your father earned $1,000.00 and gave half of it to your mother, what would she have?

Little Johnny: A heart attack!

 

The Homework Hustle

"Dad," said Little Johnny, "I'm late for football practice. Would
you please do my homework for me?"

The father said irately, "Son, it just wouldn't be right."

"That's okay," replied Little Johnny, "but you could at least give it a try, couldn't you?"

 

The teacher says, "Okay, class, we're going to play a game today. I want everyone to give me a sentence with the word 'perhaps' in it."

Claude says, "Perhaps if we are good, the teacher won't give us any homework?"

The teacher says, "Very good, Claude."

Mary says, "The sky is very dark... perhaps it's going to rain?"

The teacher says, "Very good, Mary."

She calls on Little Johnny in the back. "Johnny?"

Johnny says, "Yesterday, when I got home from school, my sister and her music teacher both had their pants down to their ankles. Perhaps they were gonna shit on the piano?"

Teacher: Johnny, if I had seven oranges in one hand and eight in the other, what would I have?

Little Johnny: Big Hands!
 

DADDY'S BALDNESS

Little Johnny was eating breakfast one morning. He got to thinking about things, and asked, "Mommy, why does Daddy have such little hair on his head?"

"He thinks a lot, dear" replied his mother, pleased with herself for coming up with a such good answer to her husband's baldness.

"Then, why do you have so much hair?" asked Little Johnny.

"Go eat your goddamn breakfast!" snarled his mother....
 

Tommy, Johnny and Harry were standing around bullshitting about how tough their fathers were

."My dad went 12 rounds with Mike Tyson. Lick that!" said young Harry.

"Well, my dad did two tours of Vietnam and killed 19 men so lick that!"Tommy said.

"That's nothing!" declared little Johnny. "My dad hasn't wiped his ass in 10 years... so lick that
 

Little Johnny's new baby brother was screaming up a storm.

Little Johnny asked his Mom, "Where did we get him?"

His mother says, "Heaven Johnny."

Johnny says, 'Geez, I can see why they threw him out."
 

Teacher: Let's take the example of the busy ant, he is busy all the time, works all day and every day. Then what happens?

Little Johnny: He gets stepped on.
 

At Sunday school, the teacher asked Little Johnny, "Johnny could you tell me what we are supposed to do to deserve salvation?"

"Yeah, of course" Little Johnny replied. "We're supposed to sin!"
 

Teacher:"where were you born?"

Little Johnny: "New Jersey, Sir."

Teacher: "Which part?"

Little Johnny: "All of me."

--------------------------

Teacher: "How can you prevent diseases caused by biting insects?"

Little Johnny: "Don't bite any."

-------------------------

Teacher: If you received $10.00 from 10 people, what would you get?"

Little Johnny: "A new bike."
 

A priest was walking along the corridor of the parochial school near the preschool wing when a group of little ones were trotting by on the way to the cafeteria. Little Johnny stopped and looked at him in his clerical clothes and asked, "Why do you dress funny?"

He told him he was a priest and this is the uniform priests wear.
Little Johnny pointed to the priest's plastic collar tab and
asked, "Do you have an owie?"

The priest was perplexed till he realized that to him the collar tab looked like a band-aid. So the priest took it out and handed it to Little Johnny, to show him. On the back of the tab were raised letters giving the name of the manufacturer.

Little Johnny felt the letters, and the priest asked, "Do you know what those words say?"

"Yes I do," said Little Johnny, who was not old enough to read. Peering intently at the letters he said, "Kills ticks and fleas up to six months!"

Little Johnny was crying one day, and his Dad asked him why.

'I've lost five cents,' sobbed Danny.

'Don't worry,' said his Dad kindly.' Here's five more for you.'

At this Danny howled louder than ever.

'Now what is it ?' asked his Dad.

'I wish I'd said I'd lost a quarter!!'
 

Little Johnny and Little Mary were walking home from school one day. As they walked along, they saw two dogs knotted up along side the road, doing it, well, doggy style.

"What are they doing, Johnny?" Mary asked.

Well, Little Johnny, being a man of the world for all his 12 years, knew what they
were doing but was embarrassed to say it, so he said, "Well, he's scaring her."

Little Mary said, "Oh."

They walked a little farther, and Little Mary said, "Scare me, Little Johnny."

Well, Little Johnny thought, "What the Hell." So he took her into the bushes and "scared" her. After they were finished, they started walking home again. Pretty soon, they walked past a stallion mounting a mare in the field.

"What are they doing, Little Johnny ?", she asked.

"Well, he's scaring her." So Little,Mary said, "Scare me again, Johnny.

" Well, Little Johnny took her into the bushes and "scared" her again. After they were finished, they started walking home again. Pretty soon, you guessed it,
they saw a bull and a heifer in the field, going at it.

"What are they doing, Little Johnny?" she innocently (?) asked
again.

"Well, he's scaring her" Little Johnny said once again.
After a few more minutes of walking, Little Mary said, "Scare me again, Little Johnny."

Now Little Johnny, being a little tired by now, had just about had enough, so he yelled out, "Boo, damn it, boo!"
 

"Name the elements, Little Johnny," instructed the teacher.

"There's earth and there's air," began the boy,"and then fire and..... er......water ..... and - oh, yes - fucking."

The teacher gasped, then recovered herself.

"That filthy thing you named, what ever made you include it?"

"I overheard my mom telling one of her friends," answered Little Johnny, "that when my dad gets to fucking, he's in his element."
 

Little Johnny sees his Daddy's car passing the playground and go into the woods. Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane in a "Passionate Embrace." Little Johnny finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother.

Mommy "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then Daddy..."

At this point, Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an
interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I
want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."

At the dinner table, Mommy asks Little Johnny to tell his story.

Johnny starts his story, describing the car into the woods, the
undressing, laying down on the seat, and Johnny said, "Then Daddy and Aunt Jane ... started doing that same thing Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the army."

Moral of the story: Some times you need to listen to the whole story.

 

A young pretty female school teacher had been telling her class about the value of being observant and said, "Now children, look at the clock; what does the clock have that I have too?"

One little girl stood up and said, "It has a face."

Another girl raised her hand and said, "It has hands."

"Splendid," said the teacher, "now what has the clock that I haven't got?"

After a long silence, little Johnny rose and said, "You ain't got no pendulum, Miss Crabtree."

 

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WHAT'S WHAT

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Birthday to remember

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Are caterpillars good to eat?

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Are caterpillars good to eat?

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Little Johnny was just being potty trained and his mom tried this new method with 6 steps:

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Little Johnny

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Little Nancy's Pet

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Teacher:

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Rated G Dennis in Yonkers

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Rated G Johnny's Brother Joey

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Little Timmy sat playing in the garden.

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Little Johnny's Letter to Santa

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" Johnny Skips A Grade "

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SHARP KID

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"Things I Learned at School by Little Johnny"

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This is about Little Johnny's brother Leroy

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Rated PG Little Davie

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Rated G Ed in Aurora. Ont.

LITTLE JOHNNY STRIKES AGAIN

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----- A teacher in Elmira , New York asked her 6th grade class how many of them were Hillary fans.

Rated R Dave in Aurora, Ont.

Rated G Lorraine

Rated G Tony in Old Lyme

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Polite Way To Pee

Rated G Bob

Rated PG Denny in Yonkers

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It has been 474 days since the last post.