A university creative writing class was asked to write a concise essay containing these four elements:

- religion
- royalty
- sex
- mystery

The prize-winning essay read:

"My God," said the Queen. "I'm pregnant. I wonder who did it?"
 

Early one morning, a mother went in to wake up her son. "Wake up, son. It's time to go to school!"

"But why, Mom? I don't want to go."

"Give me two reasons why you don't want to go."

"Well, the kids hate me for one, and the teachers hate me, too!"

"Oh, that's no reason not to go to school. Come on now and get ready."

"Give me two reasons why I should go to school."

"Well, for one, you're 52 years old. And for another, you're the Principal!"
 

Children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Christian school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The teacher made a note, "Take only one apple, God is watching!"

Moving through the line, to the other end of the table, was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A young boy wrote a note, "Take all you want, God is watching the apples."
 

The first grade class gathered around the teacher for a game of "Guess the Animal."

The first picture the teacher held up was a cat. "Okay, boys and girls," she said brightly, "can anyone tell me what this is?"

"I know, I know, it's a cat!" yelled a little boy.

"Very good, Eddie. Now, who knows what this animal is called?"

"That's a dog!" piped up the same little boy.

"Right, again. And what about this animal?" she asked, holding up a picture of a deer.

Silence fell over the class. After a minute or two, the teacher said, "I'll give you a hint, children.....it's something your mother calls your father."

"I know, I know," screamed Eddie. "It's a horney bastard!"
 

A successful scientist was on his way to a seminar where he was supposed to give a lecture on his new breakthrough in research. His chauffeur saw his tired look and felt sorry for him.

"Sir, why don't you take the day off today", he said, "I've heard your lecture so many times by now I know it by heart. I can give the lecture and you can just sit back and relax."

The scientist thought this was a great idea, since he was sick and tired of giving the exact same lecture over and over again.

When they arrived at the seminar the scientist put on the chauffeur's hat and seated himself in the back of the lecture hall. His trusted chauffeur walked to the podium and gave an excellent lecture showing at least as much confidence as the scientist would. At the end of the lecture the chauffeur asked, just as his master always does, "Are there any questions?"

One of the professors in the hall stood up and asked a long question about a very complicated and highly theoretical matter.

The chauffeur was panicking silently but finally managed to pull himself together.

"That, professor, is a very simple question," he answered, "in fact, it is so simple even my chauffeur can answer it."
 

Test Prayer

Now I lay me down to study,
I pray the Lord I won't go nutty,
if I should fail to learn this junk
I pray the Lord I will not flunk.

Now I lay me down to rest,
and I pray I pass tomorrow's test,
if I should die before I wake,
that's one less test I'll have to take.
 

A Student's 23 Psalm Mark as unread

The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not flunk;
He keepeth me from lying down when I should be studying.
He leadeth me beside the water cooler for a study break;
He restores my faith in study guides.
He leads me to better study habits
For my grade's sake
Yea, tho' I walk through the valley of borderline grades,
I will not have a nervous breakdown
For thou art with me;
My prayers and friends, they comfort me.
Thou givest me the answers in the moments of blankness;
Thou anointest my head with understanding;
My test paper runneth over with questions I recognize.
Surely passing grades and flying colors shall follow me
All the days of my examination;
And I shall not have to dwell in this University........Forever!

Amen
 

Three former kindergartners were trying to become accustomed to first grade.

The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on no baby talk. 

"You need to use ' big people' words" she'd always remind them. 

She asked Wendy what she had done over the weekend.

"I went to visit my Nana" 

"No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use big people words!" 

She then asked Joey what he had done. "I took a ride on a choo-choo." he said. 

"No, you took a ride on a TRAIN, use big people words!" 

She then asked Eddie what he had done. "I read a book" he replied. 

"That's wonderful" the teacher said. "What book did you read?" 

Eddie thought about it, then puffed out his chest with great pride and said. "Winnie The Shit." 
 

On the last day of school, the kids decided to bring their teacher gifts.

The florist's son brought the teacher a bouquet.

The candy-store owner's daughter brought the teacher a box of candy.

Then the liquor store's owner's son brought a big, heavy box.

The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a bit. She touched a drop of liquid with her finger and tasted it. "is it wine?" she guessed.

"NO" the boy replied. She tasted another drop and asked "Champagne?"

The little boysaid "no"...

"I give up," she said, "what is it?"

"A puppy!!" the boy exclaimed.

A teenager comes home from school with a writing assignment.

He asks his father for help. "Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?"

His father looks up, thoughtfully, and then says,"

I'll display it to you. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then go ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then come back and tell me hat you've learned."

The kid is puzzled, but he decides to see if he can figure out what his father means. He asks his mother, "Mom, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Robert Redford?" His mother looks around slyly, and then with a little smile on her face says, "Don't tell your father, but, yes, I would."

Then he goes to his sisters room and asks her, "Sis, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?"

His sister looks up and says, "Oh my god! Definitely!"

The kid goes back to his father and says, "Dad, I think I've figured it out. Potentially, we are sitting on two million bucks, but in reality, we are living with a couple of whores."
 

*Near to the door*
*he paused to stand*
*as he took his class ring*
*off her hand*
*all who were watching*
*did not speak*
*as a silent tear*
*ran down his cheek*
*and through his mind*
*the memories ran*
*of the moments they walked*
*and ran in the sand (hand and hand)*
*but now her eyes were so terribly cold*
*for he would never again*
*have her to hold*
*they watched in silence** as he bent near*
*and whispered the words..*....
*"I LOVE YOU" in her ear*
*he touched her face and started to cry*
*as he put on his ring and wanted to die*
*and just then the wind began to blow*
*as they lowered her casket*
*into the snow....*
*this is what happens*
*to man alive.....*
*when friends let friends....*
*drink and drive.*
 

Been Out Of College Too Long When...

You know you've been out of college too long when...

- Your potted plants stay alive.

- Having sex in a twin-sized bed is absurd.

- You keep more food than beer in the fridge.

- 6:00 a.m. is when you get up, not when you go to sleep.

- You hear your favorite song on the elevator at work.

- You carry an umbrella.

- You watch the Weather Channel.

- Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook-up and break-up.

- You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.

- Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."

- You're the one calling the police because those damn kids next door don't know how to turn down the stereo.

- Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.

- You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.

- Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.

- You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonalds.

- Sleeping on the couch is a no-no.

- You no longer take naps from noon to 6 p.m.

- Dinner and a movie - The whole date instead of the beginning of one.

- MTV News is no longer your primary source for information.

- You go to the drugstore for Ibuprofen and antacids, not condoms and pregnancy test kits.

- A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."

- You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time.

- Grocery lists are longer than macaroni and cheese, Diet Pepsi and Ho-ho's.

- "I just can't drink the way I used to," replaces, "I'm never going to drink that much again."

- Over 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.

- You don't get liquored up at home, to save money, before going to a bar.

- It takes you all night to do what you used to do all night.
 

On the first day of school, the Kindergarten teacher said,
"If anyone has to go to the bathroom, hold up two fingers."

A little voice from the back of the room asked, "How will that help?"

 

A school teacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. It fit under his shirt and was not noticeable at all. On the first day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt, he found himself assigned to the
toughest students in school.

Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself with desk work. The classroom became a bit unruly and he admonished them. This happened several times. When he could do work at his desk, the strong breeze from the window made his tie flap annoyingly. He kept rearranging and rearranging the tie as the class raised its level of unruliness. Finally, becoming disgusted with the wayward tie, he stood up and took a big stapler off his desk and stapled the tie to his chest in several places.

Discipline was not a problem from that day forth.
 

There is a class of students waiting for the bell to ring on the last day of school.

They perster thier teacher for them to leave early... but she denies the request.

Finally after much pleading the teacher decides and says, "If you can give me three rhymes I will let you go home."

The first kid puts up his hand and says,"Hi my name is Stan,and I want to go to Japan in my dads van, if I can sometime maybe."

The teachers applauds and says, "Very well."

The next kid puts up his hand,"Hi my name is Dan,and I want to go to Japan with Stan but in my own dad's van, if I can sometime maybe."

The teacher smiles and says that was very clever.

A girl puts her hand up and says,"Hi my name is Aimee,and I want to have a baby, if I can sometime maybe."

The teacher smiles and says, "Very well you can leave."

The class bully is upset he hasn't had a go, and the teacher decides to let him have his say.

"Hi my name is Buck and I don't give a fuck about Stan or Dan going to Japan.And as for AimeeI am gonna give her the baby and there's no fucking maybe."
 

Q: How do you get a Maryland graduate off your porch?
A: Pay for the pizza.

Q: Why did Clemson choose orange as a school color?
A: So that the football team could wear it to the game on Saturday, hunting on Sunday, and picking up garbage for the rest of the week.

Q: Why did O.J. Simpson go to Raliegh, NC in the Ford Bronco?
A: He knew that the police would never look there for a Heisman Trophy winner.

Q: What are the longest three years of a Duke player's life?
A: His freshman year.

Q: Why did Georgia Tech replace the grass in its football stadium with astroturf?
A: They didn't want the cheerleaders to graze at halftime.

Q: Why do Wake Forest cheerleaders wear bibs?
A: To keep the tobacco juice off the uniforms.

Q: How many Duke freshmen does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None, because that's a sophomore course at Florida State and Virginia.
 

At Mississippi State University, they've found another use for sheep.

A: Wool
 

Rated G

Do you know what the three degrees stand for in college?

• B.S. means "Bullshit."

• M.S. means "More Shit."

• Ph.D. "Piled Higher and Deeper."

 

One day there were four people absent from class.

The next day one of the boys came back to school, and the teacher asked where were you. And then he replied on top of Beverly Hills.

The teacher said okay.

Then the next day, another boy came in and the teacher asked where were you?

He replied on top of Beverly Hills.

The teacher said okay.

The next day the third boy came in and said where were you and he replied on top of Beverly Hills.

And next the third person which was a girl came in and the teacher asked where were you.

And before the girl could say anything the teacher said let me guess on top of Beverly Hills.

And the girl said no I am Beverly Hills.
 

These are actual comments made on students' report cards by teachers in the New York City public school system. All teachers were reprimanded but, they are funny!!!

1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.

2. I would not allow this student to breed.

3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.

4. Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

6. The student has a "full six-pack" but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.

7. This child has been working with glue too much.

8. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell.

9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.

10. If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.

11. It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others.

12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead
 

There was a young country boy who was very bright.

In fact he was bright enough to be accepted to Harvard.

One of his first assignments at Harvard was to write a paper on a famous person. He didn't know who he would write about so he decided to go to the library and do some research. But he didn't know where the library was.

He saw a professor walking down the hall. He stopped the professor and said to him, "Do you know where the library is at?"

The professor looks at him strangely and says, "Young man, here at Harvard we never end a sentence in a preposistion."

The young man says, "Oh, excuse me. Do you know where the library is at, asshole?"

 

During one of a professer's routine classes, he decided to raise a controversial subject:

He stood in front of his class and said: "Can anyone hear God? Can anyone see God? Can anyone smell God?" After a long pause, the professor concluded: "Because none of you can hear, see, or smell God, I conclude that there is no God."

Not to be outdone, one particularly potent student stood up. "May I address the class directly?" he asked.

"Yes, you may," the professor replied.

The student went to the front of the class and began: "Can anyone hear the professor's brain? Can anyone see the professor's brain? Can anyone smell the professor's brain?" After a particularly uneasy and long pause, the student
finished: "Because none of you can hear, see, or smell the professor's brain, I conclude that the professor has no brain."
 

First Grade Proverbs

A first grade teacher collected well-known proverbs. She gave each kid in the class the first half of the proverb, and asked them to fill in the rest.

Here's what the kids came up with:

Better to be safe than... punch a 5th grader.

Strike while the... bug is close.

It's always darkest before... daylight savings time.

Never underestimate the power of... termites.

You can lead a horse to water but... how?

Don't bite the hand that... looks dirty.

No news is... impossible.

A miss is as good as a... Mr.

You can't teach an old dog... math.

If you lie down with dogs, you... will stink in the morning.

Love all, trust... me.

The pen is mightier than... the pigs.

An idle mind is... the best way to relax.

Where there is smoke, there's... pollution.

Happy is the bride who... gets all the presents.

A penny saved is... not much.

Two is company, three's... The Musketeers.

None are so blind as... Helen Keller.

Children should be seen and not... spanked or grounded.

If at first you don't succeed... get new batteries.

You get out of something what you... see pictured on the box.

When the blind lead the blind... get out of the way.

There is no fool like... Aunt Edie.

Laugh and the whole world laughs with you. Cry and... you have to blow your nose.

 

Sarah handed in her report which was neatly typed in double spaced 12 font.

The next week, Ms. Tea the teacher told another girl, Rebecca to hand out the reports that were graded.Everyone got theres back except Sarah. "Oh no, she thought, I hope she didn't lose it, I worked so hard on it!"

So Sarah wentup to Ms. Tea and asked where her report was. Ms Tea said, "Oh, I liked it and all, but on the back of it, it said, Ms. Tea loves making out with an elephant!"

Sarah said, " it must have been my brother Henry, he always messes around with my stuff! Last night, he must of wrote that horrible sentence while I was taking a shower!

Ms. Tea said, " Oh, then i feel bad for you Sarah, here, I loved this report, I give you an A+! Oh and here is a lollipop for the wonderful job!

The next day, another report was due, and it was an oral report this time. It was Sarah's turn up, and she wrote about George Washington. "George Washington as you all know, was our first president, and I found out that he never was a liar, unlike Ms. Tea, who always lies. Yes, she says she does classroom work at lunchtime, but really, she goes into the janitor closet with a guy and...

"Can You please come up here please Sarah at once!" Ms. Tea was furious.

" Do you know what you just read?" she asked. Sarah said, " No, I was just reading my paper, I wasn't paying anyattention to what I was reading! But I just noticed, and you know what? I think it was Henry again, last night, while brushing my teeth, he probably changed it! AGAIN!

He is always trying to get me into trouble, ALWAYS! The last week, he put toothpaste in my pants in my drawer, then mom found out, and punished me because she thought I wasted toothpaste, and I had to use the toothpaste out of my pants to brush my teeth from then on till now!"

Ms. Tea them suddenly changed her expression, and said, " Oh I really feel soooo bad for you, heres another A+ and a lollipop! Good job!"

That night, Ms.Tea phoned Sarah's mother and said " Hello, this is Ms. Tea, Sarah's teacher."

Sarah's mother said " Oh what has she done now?"

Ms tea said, " Oh nothing, nothing at all, its just that I think you should watch over Henry, sometimes Henry does things to get Sarah into trouble, and...

" Wait, hold on," said Sarah's mother, " Who's Henry??
 

WHAT DOES YOUR DAD DO?

It's the first day of school and the teacher thought she'd get to know the kids by asking them their name and what their father does for a living.

The first little girl says: "My name is Mary and my daddy is a postman."

The next little boy says: "I'm Andy and my Dad is a mechanic."

Then one little boy says: "My name is Jimmy and my father is a striptease dancer in a cabaret for gay men."

The teacher gasps and quickly changes the subject, but later in the school yard the teacher approaches Jimmy privately and asks if it was really true that his Dad dances nude in a gay bar.

Jimmy blushes and says, "No teacher I'm sorry, but my dad plays hockey for Team USA, and I was just too embarrassed to say so."
 

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.

The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human;it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".

The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"

The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".
 

The fourth-grade teacher had to leave the room for a few minutes. When she returned, she found the children in perfect order. Everybody was sitting absolutely quiet.

She was shocked and stunned and said, "I've never seen anything like it before. This is wonderful. But, please tell me, what came over all of you?

Why are you so well behaved and quiet?"

Finally, after much urging, little Sally spoke up and said, "Well, one time you said that if you ever came back and found us quiet, you would drop dead."
 

Having just finished reading a story to my fourth grade class, I decided to check the students' knowledge of some of the vocabulary that had been used."Who knows what the word 'adolescent' means?"

I asked.Out of the entire class of 35, not one child raised a hand.After a few more silent moments,

I decided to give them a hint, "Adolescent: it's something all of you are, and I am not."

Finally one little boy tentatively raised his hand, and in a very soft voice said, "Virgins?"
 

New York kid reciting the alphabet:

"Fuckin' A, fuckin' B, fuckin' C, fuckin' D,"...

 

A first grade teacher explains to her class that she is a liberal Democrat.

She asks her students to raise their hands if they were liberal Democrats too.

Not really knowing what a liberal Democrat was but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands explode into the air like fleshy fireworks.

There is, however, one exception. A girl named Lucy has not gone along with the crowd. The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different.

"Because I'm not a liberal Democrat."

"Then," asks the teacher, "what are you?"

"Why I'm a proud conservative Republican," boasts the little girl.

The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks Lucy why she is a conservative Republican.

"Well, I was brought up to trust in myself instead of relying on an intrusive government to care for me and do all of my thinking. My Dad and Mom are conservative Republicans, and I am a conservative Republican too."

The teacher is now angry. "That's no reason," she says loudly.

"What if your Mom was a moron, and your dad was a moron. What would you be then?"

A pause, and a smile. "Then," says Lucy, "I'd be a liberal Democrat."
 

The third grade teacher was conducting a class in taming wildlife.

"Does anyone know how to catch a squirrel?" she asked.

A small voice from the back of the room said, "You climb a tree and act like a nut."

 

FOR THOSE WITH KIDS IN SCHOOL..

Hello! You have reached the automated answering service of your child's school. In order to assist you in connecting to the right staff member, please listen to all options before making a selection:

To lie about why your child is absent, Press 1.

To make excuses for why your child did not do his/her work, Press 2

To complain about what we do, Press 3.

To cuss out staff members, Press 4.

To ask why you did not get needed information that was already enclosed in
your newsletter and several bulletins mailed to you, Press 5.

If you want us to raise your child, Press 6.

If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone, Press 7.

To request another teacher for the third time this year, Press 8.

To complain about bus transportation, Press 9.

To complain about school lunches, Press 0.

If you realize this is the real world and your child must be accountable/responsible for his/her own behavior, classwork, homework, and that it is not the teacher's fault for your child's lack ofeffort, please hang up and have a nice day!!
 

After a spring break, a teacher asked her young pupils how they spent the holidays.

One child wrote the following:"We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa. They used live here in a big brick house, but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Arizona.

Now they live in a place with a lot of other retarded people.

They live in a tin box and have rocks painted green to look like grass. They ride around on big tricycles and wear nametags because they don't know who they are anymore.

They go to a building called a wrecked center, but they must have got it fixed, because it is all right now. They play games and do exercises there, but they don't do them very well. There is a swimming pool too, but they only jump up and down in it with their hats on. I guess they don't know how to swim.

At their gate, there is a dollhouse with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape.Sometimes they sneak out. Then they go cruising in their golf carts.

My Grandma used to bake cookies and stuff, but I guess she forgot how. Nobody there cooks, they just eat out. And they eat the same thing every night, "Early Birds".

Some of the people can't get past the man in the dollhouse to go out. So the ones who do get out bring food back to the wrecked center and call it potluck.

My Grandma says Grandpa's worked hard all his life to earn his retardment, and says I should work hard so I can be retarded someday too.

When I earn my retardment I want to be the man in the dollhouse. Then I will let people out so they can visit their grandchildren.
 

The kids filed back into class Monday morning.

They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.

Little Mary led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."

"Very good," said the teacher.

Little Sally was next: "I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them abreast of current events."

"Very good, Sally," said the teacher.

Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath. Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk."$2,467," he said.

"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"

"Tooth brushes," said Little Johnny.

"Tooth brushes," echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"

"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny, "I set up a Dip & Chip stand. I gave everybody who walked by a sample. They all said the same thing. 'Hey, this tastes like shit!' Then I would say.............." It is shit. Wanna buy a toothbrush?"
 

Notes to God

A class was asked to write notes to God.

Here are some of the notes the children handed in:

Dear God:

I didn't think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset You made on Tuesday. That was cool.

Dear God:

Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones, why don't You just keep the ones You have?

Dear God:

Maybe Cain and Abel would not have killed each other so much if they had their own rooms. That's what my Mom did for me and my brother.

Dear God:If You watch me in church on Sunday, I'll show You my new
shoes.

Dear God:

I bet it is very hard for You to love all of everybody in the whole world. There are only 4 people in our family and I'm having a hard time loving all
of them.

Dear God:

In school they told us what You do. Who does it when You're on vacation?

Dear God:

Are You really invisible or is it just a trick?

Dear God:

Is it true my father won't get in Heaven if he uses his bowling words in the house?

Dear God:

Did You mean for the Giraffe to look like that or was it an accident?

Dear God:

Who draws the lines around the countries?

Dear God: I went to this wedding and they kissed right in the church. Is that okay?

Dear God:

Did You really mean "do unto others as they do unto you"? Because if You did, then I'm going to get my brother good.

Dear God:

Thank You for the baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy.

Dear God:

Please send me a pony. I never asked for anything before. You can look it up.

Dear God:

I want to be just like my Daddy when I get big, but not with so much hair all over.

Dear God:

You don't have to worry about me; I always look both ways.

Dear God:

I think about You sometimes, even when I'm not praying.

Dear God:

Of all the people who work for You I like Noah and David the best.

Dear God:

My brother told me about being born, but it doesn't sound right. They're just kidding, aren't they?

Dear God:

I would like to live 900 years just like the guy in the Bible.

Dear God:

We read Thomas Edison made light.But in Sunday school they said You did it. So, I bet he stole Your idea.
 

A professor was giving a big test one day to his students. He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait.

Once the test was over the students all handed the tests back in. The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying "A dollar per point."

The next class the professor handed the tests back out. This student got
back his test and $64 change.
 

"So, what did everyone get up to during the weekend?" Miss White asked her class.

"Miss I found a dead cat in my garden," said Joe.

"Oh, how terrible," she replied.

"And I wanted to make sure it was dead so I pissed in it's ear."

"Pardon?" the teacher asked, shocked at what Joe had said.

"You know," he said. "I bent down and went "PSSSST" in it's ear, but it didn't wake up."
 

A kid called up his Mom from his college and asked her for some money, because he ran out of it.

Mom said, "Sure, sweetie, Mom will send you some money. You also left your calculus book here when you visited two weeks ago. Do you want me to send that up too?"

"Uhh, oh yeah, o.k." responded the kid.

So Mom wrapped the book along with the checks up in a package, kissed Dad goodbye, and went to the post office to mail the money and the book.

When she gets , Dad asks, "Well, how much did you give the boy this time?"

Mom said "Oh, I wrote two checks for him, one for $20, and the other for $1000."

That's $1,020!!!" yelled Dad. "Are you crazy???"

"Don't worry hon," Mom said, kissing Dad on the top of his bald head. "I taped the $20 check to the cover of his book, but I put the $1000 one somewhere between the pages in chapter 19!"
 

One day in class, the teacher told everyone to turn to a blank sheet of paper in their notebooks. She noticed that Chip, the dumb jock, was having trouble with her directions.
"Have you found a blank piece yet, Chip?" said the teacher.

"Nope. I haven't," said the dumb jock. "Somebody went through and drew lines across all of the pages."

 

Rated G

"If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up," said the sarcastic teacher.

After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet.

"Now then, mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?" Inquired the teacher with a sneer.

"Well, actually I don't," said the student, "but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself."
 

A little boy walked to and from school daily.

Though the weather that morning was questionable and clouds were forming, he made his daily trek to the elementary school.

As the afternoon progressed, the winds whipped up, along with thunder and lightning. The mother of the little boy felt concerned that her son would be frightened as he walked home from school and she herself feared that the electrical storm might harm her child.

Following the roar of thunder, lightning would cut through the sky like a flaming sword. Full of concern, the mother quickly got into her car and drove along the route to her child's school. As she did so, she saw her little boy walking along, but at each flash of lightning, the child would stop, look up and smile. Another and another were to follow quickly and with each the little boy would look up at the streak of light and smile.

When the mother's car drew up beside the child, she lowered the window and called to him, "What are you doing? Why do you keep stopping?"

The child answered, "I'm trying to look nice. God keeps taking my picture."

****************May God bless you today as you face the storms that come your way.

And don't forget to SMILE!
 

An eccentric philosophy professor gave a one question final exam after a semester dealing with a broad array of topics.

The class was already seated and ready to go when the prof picked up his chair, plopped it on his desk, and wrote on the board, "Using everything we have learned this semester, prove that this chair does not exist."

Fingers flew, erasers erased, blue books were filled in furious fashion. Some students wrote over 30 pages in one hour attempting to refute the existence of the chair.

One member of the class however, was up and finished in less than a minute.

Weeks later when the grades were posted, the rest of the group wondered how he could have gotten an A when he had barely written anything at all.

What did he write, they asked. "What chair?"
 

A rather awkward freshman finally got up the nerve to ask a pretty junior for a dance at the homecoming. She gave him the once-over and said, "Sorry, I won't dance
with a child."

"Please forgive me," responded the underclassman. "I didn't realize you were pregnant."
 

Nina and Rosey went to a lecture on positive thinking.

After the lecture was done, Nina said to Rosey, "You know, I learned a lot from this. From now on, I am going to accentuate the positive and eliminate the negative. From now on, I am going to use the word IS instead of the word NOT."

"You're right Nina. I am going to quit making negative statements too. I am going to speak positively from now on as well!" Rosey said.

"Really Rosey, like what?", asked Nina.

"Well," Rosey says, "I used to always say that my husband was not fit to live with the hogs. Now I am going to say he IS fit to live with them."
 

An autopsy professor was giving an introductory lecture to a class of students. Standing over a corpse, he addressed the class.

"There are two things you need to make a career in medical forensics.

First, you must have no fear." Having said that, he shoved his finger up the corpse's anus and licked it.

"Now you must do the same," he told the class.

After a couple of minutes of uneasy silence, the class did as instructed.

"Second," the professor continued, "you must have an acute sense of observation.

For instance, how many of you noticed that I put my middle finger up this man's anus, but licked my index finger?"
 

It was the first day of school for the kindergarten class, as the teacher walked in the classroom, she noticed something was written on the chalkboard: "T T T 1A."

She looked at the children and said, "Who wrote this?"Little Johnny raises his hand and says, "I did, teacher.""Well, what does that mean, Johnny?" asked the teacher.
Johnny answers, "It means, 'To The Teacher 1 Apple,'" and with that, he gave the teacher an apple."Very good," says the teacher, "thank you."

The next morning, the teacher walks in the classroom, and notices, once again, something written on the board. This time the chalkboard reads: "T T T 1O."

She asked the children, "Who wrote this?"Then little Bobby answers, "I did, teacher."The teacher says, "Well, Bobby, what does that mean?"Bobby says, "It means, 'To The Teacher 1 Orange,'" and he gives the teacher an orange."Very good, Bobby, thank you."

The next morning, she walks in the classroom, and she noticed on the board: "F U C K 1 T."Disappointed, the teacher exclaimed, "WHO WROTE THIS!"Then little Juanito raises his hand and says, "I did, teacher."Angrily, the teacher asks, "Well, what does this mean, Juanito?""It means, 'From Us Chicano Kids 1 Tamale.'"
 

A college student was in a philosophy class, which had a discussion about God's existence. The professor presented the following logic:

"Has anyone in this class heard God?"

Nobody spoke.

"Has anyone in this class touched God?"

Again, nobody spoke.

"Has anyone in this class seen God?"

When nobody spoke for the third time, he simply stated, "Then there is no God."

One student thought for a second, and then asked for permission to reply.

Curious to hear this bold student's response, the professor granted it, and the student stood up and asked the following questions of his classmates:

"Has anyone in this class heard our professor's brain?"

Silence.

"Has anyone in this class touched our professor's brain?"

Silence.

"Has anyone in this class seen our professor's brain?"

When nobody in the class dared to speak, the studentconcluded, "Then, according to our professor's logic, it must be true that our professor has no brain!"
 

Have you ever wondered what's the real meaning of the A,B,C,D, F grading system?

A= I'm Awesome

B= This is Bullshit

C= Oh Come on

D= I'm such a Duh

F= I'm F*cked

"ACCEPTABLE EXCUSES"

A college professor had just finished explaining how important it was that a research project be turned in on time. He said there were only two acceptable excuses for late projects:

1) A certifiable medical excuse
2) A death in the student's immediate family

A smart-ass student raised his hand and asked, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?" As expected, this caused an explosion of laughter. After the class had
settled down, the professor froze the student with a glaring look and said, "Well, in that case, I guess you would just have to learn how to write with your other hand."
 

Politically correct terms for students:

*The food at the school cafeteria isn't awful. It's "digestively challenged."

*No one fails a class anymore, he's merely "passing impaired."

*You don't have detention, you're just one of the "exit delayed. "

*These days, a student isn't lazy. He's "energetically declined."

*Your locker isn't overflowing with junk, it's just "closure prohibitive."

*Your homework isn't missing, it's just having an "out-of- notebook experience."

*You're not sleeping in class, you're "rationing consciousness."

*You don't have smelly gym socks, you have "odor-retentive athletic footwear."

*You weren't passing notes in class. You were "participating in the discreet exchange of penned meditations."

*You're not being sent to the principal's office. You're "going on a mandatory field trip tothe administrative building."

Back in the good old days, when Dudley Fudpucker was whooping it up in college, he was standing at a bar one evening, when a lady of enticing appearance approached him and suggested that they have a drink. Dudley said, "Well, I'm no John D. Rockefeller, but I'll buy."

After developing a slight buzz, she suggested a dance. Dudley smiled and said, "I'm no Fred Astaire, but I'll give it a whirl."

Later, she suggested that they go up to her room. "I'm no Cary Grant," replied Dudley, "but I'll follow you up there." They leave and go to the lady's apartment. They have another drink, then do what had been on their minds all evening, anyway.

Afterward, the lady says, "What about some money?" Dudley shot back, "Well, I'm no gigolo, but I'll take it."
 

ACADEMIC BULLSHIT PHRASES COMPLETED

The following list of phrases and their definitions might help you understand the fuzzy language of science and medicine. These special phrases are also applicable to anyone reading a PhD dissertation or academic paper.

"IT HAS LONG BEEN KNOWN"...
I didn't look up the original reference.

"A DEFINITE TREND IS EVIDENT"...
These data are practically meaningless.

"WHILE IT HAS NOT BEEN POSSIBLE TO PROVIDE DEFINITE ANSWERS TO THE QUESTIONS"...
An unsuccessful experiment but I still hope to get it published.

"THREE OF THE SAMPLES WERE CHOSEN FOR DETAILED STUDY"...
The other results didn't make any sense.

"TYPICAL RESULTS ARE SHOWN"...
This is the prettiest graph.

"THESE RESULTS WILL BE IN A SUBSEQUENT REPORT"...
I might get around to this sometime, if pushed/funded.

"IN MY EXPERIENCE"...
Once.

"IN CASE AFTER CASE"...
Twice.

"IN A SERIES OF CASES"...
Thrice.

"IT IS BELIEVED THAT"...
I think.

"IT IS GENERALLY BELIEVED THAT"...
A couple of others think so, too.

"CORRECT WITHIN AN ORDER OF MAGNITUDE" ...
Wrong. Wrong. Wrong.

"ACCORDING TO STATISTICAL ANALYSIS"...
Rumor has it.

"A STATISTICALLY-ORIENTED PROJECTION OF THE SIGNIFICANCE
OF THESE FINDINGS"...
A really wild guess.

"A CAREFUL ANALYSIS OF OBTAINABLE DATA"...
Three pages of notes were obliterated when I knocked over a beer glass.

"IT IS CLEAR THAT MUCH ADDITIONAL WORK WILL BE REQUIRED
BEFORE A COMPLETE UNDERSTANDING OF THIS PHENOMENON OCCURS"...
I don't understand it....and I never will.

"AFTER ADDITIONAL STUDY BY MY COLLEAGUES"...
They don't understand it either.

"A HIGHLY SIGNIFICANT AREA FOR EXPLORATORY STUDY"...
A totally useless topic selected by my committee.

"IT IS HOPED THAT THIS STUDY WILL STIMULATE FURTHER
INVESTIGATION IN THIS FIELD"...
I am pleased to feed you bullshit.

A woman teacher asked a zoo keeperduring a zoo visit with her 4th grade class,"What is the difference between the NorthAmerican porcupine and the African porcupine ?"

"The principal difference between them Miss," the attendant replied,"is that the North American species has a longer prick."

The teacher fled in distress and anger to theAdministration Building where the ChiefCurator attempted to mollify her.

"I apologize for my staff Miss." he said."It was an unfortunate choice of terms.What the keeper should have told yourchildren is that the North American porcupinehas a longer quill. Their pricks are exactly the same size."
 

During our skydiving class, our instructor would always take time to answer any of our questions.

One guy asked, "If our main chute doesn't open, and the reserve doesn't open, how long do we have until we hit the ground?"

Our jump master looked at him and in perfect deadpan answered, "The rest of your life."
 

A kindergartner was practicing spelling with magnetic letters on the refrigerator: cat, dog, dad, and mom have been proudly displayed for all to see.

One morning while getting ready for the day, he bounded into the room with his arms outstretched. In his hands were three magnetic letters: G-O-D. "Look what I spelled, Mom!" with a proud smile on his face.

"That's wonderful!" his mom praised him. "Now go put them on the fridge so Dad can see when he gets home tonight." The mom happily thought that the Catholic education is certainly having an impact.

Just then, a little voice called from the kitchen. "Mom? How do you spell zilla?"

 

A wise schoolteacher sends this note to all parents on the first day of school: "If you promise not to believe everything your child says happens at school, I'll promise not to believe everything he says happens at home.
 

At the end of the college year, a star football player celebrated the relaxation of team curfew by attending a late night campus party. Soon after arriving, he became
captivated by a beautiful coed and eased into a conversation with her by asking if she met many guys at these parties that she'd date.

"Oh, I have a 3.8, so I'm much more attracted to the strong academic types than to dumb party animals," she said. "What's your G. P. A.?"

Grinning from ear to ear, the jock boasted, "I get about 25 in the city and 40 on the highway."
 

A FRIEND.....

A ccepts you as you are

B elieves in "you"

C alls you just to say "Hi"

D oesn't give up on you

E nvisions the whole of you (even the unfinished parts)

F orgives your mistakes

G ives unconditionally

H elps you

I nvites you over

J ust "be" with you

K eeps you close at heart

L oves you for who you are

M akes a difference in your life

N ever Judges

O ffers support

P icks you up

Q uiets your fears

R aises your spirits

S ays nice things about you

T ells you the truth when you need to hear it

U nderstands you

V alues you

W alks beside you

X -plains things you don't understand

Y ells when you won't listen &

Z aps you back to reality

These are the ABC's of Friendship!

~Author Unknown~
 

The distinguished professor and his chauffeur were talking one day on the way to the next speaking engagement, and the driver said, "I've sat in the back and listened to your presentation so many times that I can give it just as well as you can."

The professor said, "I'll bet you can't. Just to prove it, we'll trade clothes in the hotel, and I'll sit in the back."

The chauffeur delivered the lecture flawlessly, and the audience applauded him roundly.

Then a pompous professor from the local university, wishing to impress his colleagues in the audience, stood and asked a very
specific question concerning the driver's presentation.

The driver said, "I am amazed that you would ask such a silly question. The answer is so obvious that I am going to ask my chauffeur, who is sitting in the back, to answer your ridiculous question."

 

The current scandals over how large companies have been cooking the books reminds me of a basic accounting course I took years ago. The professor was explaining an accounting method called First In Last Out, which is useful for industries that accumulate large inventories of stuff. It explains why the oil industry, for example, reported huge profits during the 1970's when the oil shortage occured. They stopped buying oil, so they had to use oil that, on paper, had been purchased in the 1930's at 20¢ a barrel. They of course sold it at current market prices, which accounted for their huge profits.

One of the students put up his hand and said, "Excuse me, sir, but that doesn't sound very ethical to me." To which the professor replied, "You're in the wrong class, son, this is Accounting 101. Ethics 101 is two doors down the hall, on the left."

 

THE HISTORICAL ORIGIN OF THE MIDDLE FINGER

Before the Battle of Agincourt in 1415, the French, anticipating victory over the English, proposed to cut off the middle finger of all captured English soldiers.

Without the middle finger, it would be impossible to draw the renowned English longbow and therefore be incapable of fighting in the future.

This famous weapon was made of the native English Yew tree, and the act of drawing the longbow was known as "plucking the yew." Much to the bewilderment of the French, the English won a major upset and began mocking the French by waving their middle fingers at the defeated French, saying, "See, we can still pluck yew! PLUCK YEW!"

Over the years, some 'folk etymologies' have grown up around this symbolic gesture. Since 'pluck yew' is rather difficult to say (like "pleasant mother pheasant plucker", which is who you had to go to for the feathers used on the arrows for the longbow), the difficult consonant cluster at the beginning has gradually changed to a labiodental fricative 'F', and thus the words often used in conjunction with the one-finger-salute are mistakenly thought to have something to do with an intimate encounter.

It is also because of the pheasant feathers on the arrows that the symbolic gesture is known as "giving the bird".

Now for the REST of the story:

The battle of Agincourt left the French army (or what was left of it) in complete disarray and with virtually no esprit de corps at all.

The astonished French could only stand and gawk and count the arrows embedded in the dead and wounded. One French corporal, with a mixture of disbelief, awe, and admiration mumbled, "Each hit!!!" as he surveyed the destruction of his proud war machine at the hands of a few English bowman. The dazed remains of the French force harkened
and, echoed a cry born of confusion, fear, and resignation - "Each hit, each hit, EACH HIT!!! rumbled through the ragged ranks of the defeated.

And down to this very day, the remembrance of that terrible and inspiring occasion at Agincourt is celebrated every time an English bow-finger is raised to the cry of "Pluck yew" and the time-honored reply repeats the historic response of the brave, but defeated
French knights, "Each hit, each hit!!!"
 

On a flight to Florida, I was preparing my notes for one of the parent-education seminars I conduct as an educational psychologist.

The elderly woman sitting next to me explained that she was returning to Miami after having spent two weeks visiting her six children, 18 grandchildren and ten great-grandchildren in Boston.

Then she inquired what I did for a living.I told her, fully expecting her to question me for free professional advice.Instead she sat back, picked up a magazine and said, "If there'sanything you want to know, just ask me."
 

As a beginning teacher of first grade students in a poor inner city school, I made the mistake of often asking the wrong questions.

After reading a story about the "Stupids," a children's book about a silly family, I asked a really stupid question.

In the story, the grandfather comes into a room and declares "This must be heaven!"

The family replies, "This isn't heaven, this is Cleveland."

Seeing that the children didn't see any humor in this, I asked "Does anyone know where Cleveland is?"

Dominic immediately raised his hand, "I have an Uncle Cleveland. He's in jail!"
 

Just look at this report card!" Stormed the angry father!"Your friend Robert doesn't come home with C's and D's on his report cards!"

"No, but he's different,he has smart parents," said the kid.

 

A class in sex education was about to begin, and each student had to bring in a permission slip in order to take it.

A boy handed in his slip and explained to the teacher, "My mom says I can take the course as long as there's no homework."

 

Three former kindergartners were trying to become accustomed to first grade.

The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on no baby talk."You need to use big people words," she'd always remind them.

She asked Wendy what she had done over the weekend.

"I went to visit my Nana."

"No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use big people words!"

She then asked Joey what he had done.

"I took a ride on a choo-choo." he said.

"No, you took a ride on a TRAIN, use big people words!"

She then asked Eddie what he had done.

"I read a book" he replied.

"That's wonderful" the teacher said. "What book did you read?"

Eddie thought about it, then puffed out his chest with great pride and said, "Winnie The Shit!"


 

In the cafeteria on the first day of school, I saw three students hard at work on their calculators.

Stunned that they had received such an obviously tough problem so early in the semester, I asked them what their assigment was.

One girl looked at me and said, "We're figuring out how many days until winter break."

Peter came home from school and said to his mother, "Mom, I'm not
going to school any more and I have two reasons for that.

1. All the boys at school make fun of me.
2. All the girls at school make fun of me."

His mother said, "Peter, I'm gonna give you two reasons why you
should go to school.
1. You're 42 years old.
2. You're the headmaster!"

 

A male teacher in a girls' school asked the science class, "Who can tell me what part of the human body expands to 10 times its usual size when stimulated? Mary, can you tell me?"

Mary blushed furiously as she stood up.

She said, "Sir, how dare you ask such a question? I will complain to my parents, who will complain to the principal."

The male teacher was taken aback at first by Mary's reaction. Then, as understanding dawned on him, he called for another pupil, this time a volunteer. Lily put up her hand.

"Yes, Lily?"

"Sir, the correct answer is the iris of the eye."

"Very good. Thanks, Lily," said the male teacher.

He then turned to the 1st girl, who threatened to complain to her parents and principal, "Well, Mary, I have 3 things to tell you:

"First, you have NOT done your homework.

"Second, you have a DIRTY mind.

"And thirdly, I fear one day you are going to be sadly disappointed!"


 

Betsy, a grammar-school teacher from Miami, remembers this Oscar-worthy birth tableau from one of her students.

I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second grade classroom a few years back.

When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and experience a little public speaking. And it gives me a break and some guaranteed entertainment.

Usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it to school and talk about it, they're welcome.

Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very out-going kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater. She holds up a snapshot of an infant.

"This is Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his birthday. First, Mommy and Daddy made him as a symbol of their love, and then Daddy put a seed in my mother's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord."

She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had a video camera rolling. The kids are watching her in amazement.

"Then, about two Saturdays ago, my mother starts going, 'Oh, oh, oh!'" Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans.

"She walked around the house for, like an hour, "Oh, oh, oh!'" Now the kids' doing this hysterical duck-walk, holding her back and groaning.

"My father called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't have a sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got my mother to lie down in bed like this." Erica lies down with her back against the wall.

"And then, pop! My mother had this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!" The kid with her little hands is miming water flowing away. It was too much!

"Then the middle wife starts going push, push, and breathe, breathe. They start counting, but they never even got past ten. Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff they said
was from the play-center, so there must be a lot of stuff inside there."

Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat. I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, if it's show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder - just in case another Erica comes along.
 

When a bashful student showed up after gym for the mandatory shower still wearing his gym shorts, the coach stopped him and asked, "Do you shower with shorts on at home?"

"No," the boy replied, "but I don't shower with ten naked men at home, either."

 

These days, for every student who shows a spark of intelligence,
there are ten more with ignition trouble.

 

It seems that Laura came home from Nursery School one day and
announced that Kevin had pee-peed in the yard.

Since Laura was one of the older children in the Nursery School group, her parents wanted to impress on her that she should try to help the youngerchildren learn right from wrong, so they said "Well, Laura honey, how big is Kevin?"

Whereupon Laura held her two index fingers an inch or so apart and said "Oh, about this big."

 

A group of young children were sitting in a circle with their teacher. The teacher was asking them all questions:

"Sanju, what noise does a cow make?"
"It goes moo."

"Ajay, what noise does a cat make?"
"It goes meow."

"Rahul, what sound does a lamb make?"
"It goes baaa."

"Dolly, what sound does a mouse make?"
"Ummm... It goes click!"

 

The following are purported to be actual comments made by NYC teachers on their report cards as part of their final narratives. All teachers were reprimanded, but these are great!

1. Since my last report, your child has hit rock bottom and has started to dig.

2. I would not allow this student to breed.

3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.

4. Your child is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

6. The student has a "full six-pack" but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together.

 

What a teacher says and what he really means

1.Your son has a remarkable ability in gathering needed information from his classmates.

--He was caught cheating on a test.

2.Karen is an endless fund of energy and vitability.

--The hyperactive monster can't stay seated for five minutes.

3.Fantastic imagination! Unmatched in his capacity for blending
fact with fiction.

--He's definitely one of the biggest liars I have ever met.

4.Margie exhibits a casual, relaxed attitude to school, indicating
that high expectations don't intimidate her.

--The lazy thing hasn't done one assignment all quarter.

5.Her athletic ability is marvelous. Superior hand-eye coordination.

--The little creep stung me with a rubber band from 15 feet away.

6.Nick thrives on interaction with his peers.

--Your son needs to stop socializing and start working.

7.Your daughter's greatest asset is her demonstrative public
discussions.

--Classroom lawyer! Why is it that every time I explain an
assignment she creates a class argument.

8.John enjoys the thrill of engaging challenges with his peers.

--He's a bully.

9.An adventurous nature lover who rarely misses opportunities to
explore new territory.

--Your daughter was caught skipping school at the fishing pond.

10.I am amazed at her tenacity in retaining her youthful
personality.

--She's so immature that we've run out of diapers.

11. Unlike some students who hide their emotion, Charles is very
expressive and open.

--He must have written the Whiner's Guide.

12.I firmly belive that her intellectual and emotional progress
would be enhanced through a year's repetition of her learning
environment.

--Regretfully, we believe that she is not ready for high school and must redo 8th grade.

13.Her exuberant verbosity is awesome!

--A mouth that never stops yacking.

At a recent management class, a member of the class mentioned he had two children.

The facilitator asked "How old are they?"

"Eleven and nine."

The facilitator asked, "Two boys? Two girls?"

He replied, "One of each."

"Which one is younger?", asked the facilitator.

"The nine-year old." was the reply.

 

During the final exam, the professor noticed that Billy Walters kept looking at his hand before writing down an answer on his test. This went on throughout the entire exam, leaving the professor no other choice than to interrogate the student's test-taking habit.

"Mr. Walters," the professor began."Is there something interesting written on your palm?"

"Not at all, sir," Billy replied. "It's all pretty boring!!!"

 

One of the many fun activities brought to us by the University of
Missouri Kansas City activities and programs council. . .Hot Tub
Day!

Advertised to be a welcome break for the students during September (the slowest time of the year)The APC plans to order hot tubs to set outside on the lawn of the university center so that the students can use them between classes.

As usual, the U-news (The only publication in Kansas city in which
the penis enlargement and weight loss advertisements include more
factual information then the news pages.) gave a glowing report of
this endeavor. "Despite some minor set backs, the APC was able to
come through with another successful event for the students,
demonstrating good planning and creativity. The student body should
be grateful to be served by such an organization." ( In case you
are wondering, the staff of the U-news is mostly on the APC as
well.)

The Cold Truth: The hot tubs never showed up. Fortunately for the
APC, neither did the students. A spokes person for the APC claimed
that she had now idea why students wouldn't want to sit in hot tubs during the school day. When the students were asked, most commented,
"I didn't go to sit in the hot tubs because I don't usually wear a bathing suit to class."

Next on the APC's agenda:foam dance.***

MOTHER TO SON: Why does you geography exam have a big zero over
it?

SON TO MOTHER: It's not a zero, Mom. The teacher ran out of
stars, so she gave me a moon instead!!

It's Career Day at school and the teacher is having the students
stand up, state their parents' occupation, and then spell it.

Davie stands up and says, "My dad's a doctor. And that's D O C T O R. Doctor."

"Very good," the teacher says to Davie. "Mike?"

Mike stands up. "My mom's a lawyer. L A W Y E R. Lawyer."

"Excellent. Bruce?"

Bruce gets up and says, "Uhh, my daddy, he be one of dem 'sheet metal workers. Dat's S H I . . . "

"Ummm, no, Bruce," the teacher corrects, "That's not the way you spell it. Try it again."

"Uhhh, 'Sheet Metal Worker.' S H I . . . "

"Tell you what, Bruce, why don't you go up to the board and spell it out up there. Little Kevin, your turn."

Little Kevin watches Bruce shuffle off to the blackboard. "Well, my dad's a bookie and I can't spell that. But I can give you ten to one odds that Bruce spells 'shit' when he gets up to the blackboard."

 

"Ann," said the dance teacher. "There are two things stopping you
becoming the world's greatest ballerina."

"What are they, ma'am?" asked Ann.

"Your feet."

On the last day of his French class, Professor Lint goes over the final exam. "The exam will test your comprehension. It'll be divided into two parts: a multiple choice exam, and an oral exam.

Heather realizes that she needs to do well on the final exam, or she won't graduate.

After class, Heather meets Professor Lint in his office.

"Professor Lint," she says in a sexy voice, "I don't think I'm going to pass the class and I was hoping you could help me out."

Pretty soon, Heather and the professor are making love in his office.

Afterward, Heather asks "How's my comprehension?"

"So far so good," the professors says, "but you need to come back tomorrow at noon."

"What's tomorrow?"

"Tomorrow," Professor Lint says "is the oral part of the exam."

Where's your pencil, Jim?" the teacher asked an American boy who had just come to school in Britain.

"I ain't got one, Sir."

"You're in England now, Jim. Not ain't, haven't.

I haven't got a pencil. You haven't got a pencil. They haven't got a pencil."

"Gee!" said Jim. "My Dad said things were tough in this country, but I didn't know pencils were so hard to come by."
 

"That's an excellent essay for someone your age," said the English
teacher.

"How about for someone my Mom's age, Miss?"
 

Teaching Math in 1950:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?

Teaching Math in 1960:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?

Teaching Math in 1970:
A logger exchanges a set "L" of lumber for a set "M" of money. The cardinality of set "M" is 100. Each element is worth one dollar. Make 100 dots representing the elements of the set "M." The set "C", the cost of production contains 20 fewer points than set "M." Represent the set "C" as a subset of set "M" and answer the following question:
What is the cardinality of the set "P" of profits?

Teaching Math in 1980:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20. Teaching Math in 1990: By cutting down beautiful forest trees, the logger makes $20.
What do you think of this way of making a living?
Topic for class participation after answering the question:
How did the forest birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down the trees?
There are no wrong answers.

Teaching Math in 2000:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $120. How does Arthur Andersen determine that his profit margin is $60?

Teaching Math in 2010:
El hachero vende un camion carga por $100. La cuesta de production es...
 

Lorraine

The school teacher was furious when Brad knocked him down with his
new bicycle in the school yard.

"Don't you know how to ride that yet?" he roared.

"Oh yes!" shouted Brad over his shoulder.

"It's the bell I can't work yet.

My daughter sitting in class one day where they were discussing
sex education. The question can you get pregnant from oral sex was asked by the teacher.

My daughter raised her hand,and replied "How could someone get pregnant by talking about sex.

 

A university creative writing class was asked to write a concise essay containing the following elements:

1. Religion
2. Royalty
3. Sex
4. Mystery

The prize-winning essay read:

'My God," said the Queen, "I'm pregnant. I wonder who did it!"

 

Teacher :This essay is word for word the same as your brother's on
your pet cat!

Mark : It's the same cat, miss.

Our teacher talks to herself does yours ?

Yes, but she does't realise it, she thinks we're actually listening !

Teacher: Why didn't you answer me ?

Pupil: I did, I shook my head

Teacher: You don't expect me to hear it rattling from here do you !

Teacher: I'd like to go through one whole day without having to tell you off.

Pupil: You have my permission !

Teacher: Will you stop looking at the clock at the wall and pay attention

Time will pass, but will you !

I didn't do my homework because I lost my memory

When did this start ?

When did what start !

When I was you age I thought nothing of walking five miles to school

I agree, I don't think much of it myself !

Be sure that you go straight home

I can't, I live just round the corner !

Playing truant from school is like a credit card

Fun now, pay later !

Laugh and the class laughs with you.

But you get detention alone !
 

"It's clear" said the teacher, "That you haven't studied your geography. What's your excuse ?"

"Well, my dad says the world is changing every day . So I decided to wait until it settles down !"

Teacher: What can you tell me about the Dead Sea?

Pupil: Dead ?, I didn't even know he was sick !

What are the small rivers that run into the Nile ?

The juve-niles !

Teacher: Why is the Mississippi such an unusual river ?

Pupil: Because it has four eyes and can't see !

Teacher: What are the Great Plains ?

Pupil: 747, Concorde and F-16 !

Teacher: Where is the English Channel ?

Pupil: I don't know, my TV doesn't pick it up

Pupil: My teacher was mad with me because I didn't know where the Rockies were.

Mother: Well next time remember where you put things !

Teacher: Why does the statue of liberty stand in New York harbor ?

Pupil: Because it can't sit down !

Teacher: Is Lapland heavily populated ?

Class: No, there are not many Laps to the mile !

Name an animal that lives in Lapland ?

A reindeer

Good, now name another.

Another reindeer !
 

A Hebrew teacher stood in front of his class and said, "The Jewish people have observed their 5,759th year as a people. Consider that the Chinese, for example, have only observed their4,692nd year as a people.

"Now, what does it mean to you?"

After a moment of silence, a student raised his hand.

"Yes, David," the teacher said, "what does it mean?"

David replied,"It means that the Jews had to suffer without
Chinese food for 1,067 years."

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An English professor announced to the class:

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Scientific Deduction

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*** Third Grade ***

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Where does you go to school?

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Dangerous dihydrogen monoxide

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Fifty-five

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Kindergarten boots

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I Graduated

DUI School !!

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MIT Course Evaluation

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TEACHER:

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KINDERGARTEN

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The following are all answers written by children taking exams

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Used Books For Sale

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SCIENCE AS SEEN THROUGH THE EYES OF HIGHSCHOOL STUDENTS:

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A colleague of mine in a rural school district in south Mississippi tells the following story.

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PETER'S PORTRAIT

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Science Sillies From 5th & 6th Graders

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Teacher:

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AMERICA, THY NAME

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Intaxication (n.)

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Shoot for the Moon

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I'm waiting.......

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College Rules

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Could you be a true elementary school teacher? Let's find out:

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FIRST GRADE PROVERBS

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Esther was talking to her friend Sadie.

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NEW MATH?

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MY DOG ATE MY HOMEWORK

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How Sad but True

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How Sad but True

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SCHOOL

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TEACHERS:

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Listen to the Mustn’ts

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Out of the mouths of children

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Student:

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A THIRD GRADERS EXPLANATION OF GOD

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Teacher:

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TOP FIVE ADVANTAGES TO BEING HOME-SCHOOLED:

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What "PhD" Really Stands for...

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TEACHER:

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MOTHER:

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FIRST GRADER:

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Birllaint....

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This happened at school this week.

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Did you have a childhood dream similar to this????

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A COLLECTION OF STATEMENTS FROM FIFTH AND SIXTH GRADE SCIENCE PAPERS:

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The Teacher

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Student:

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Dedicated to All the Teachers Going Back to Work (and Retired ones, too.)

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Engineering the Human Body

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Hello! You have reached the automated answering service of your school.

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Professor:

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Sign on high school bulletin board -

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GOD IS LIKE.........

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Teacher:

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TEEN MINDS

These are actual analogies and metaphors found in high school
essays.

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HIGH SCHOOL VS. COLLEGE:

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Science and Health Test Answers

These are from test papers and essays submitted to science and health teachers by junior high, high school, and college students around the world.

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Insight into the minds of 6th graders: The following were answers provided by 6th graders during a history test. Watch the spelling! Some of the best in humor is in the misspelling....

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The following are different answers given by school-age children to the given questions:

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The First Day of School 30 Years Ago and Today

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Signs You're in the Wrong Karate School

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Science Sillies From 5th & 6th Graders

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Catholic Elementary School Test

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KIDS IN GRADE SCHOOL THINK FAST

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Mrs. Rooney's 3rd-Grade Astronomy Lesson

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