Ole and Sven were fishing one day when Sven pulled out a cigar.
Finding he had no matches, he asked Ole for a light. "Ya, shure, I tink I haff a lighter," he replied, reached into his tackle box, and pulled out a BIC lighter 10 inches long.
"Yiminy Cricket!" exclaimed Sven,"vhere did yew get dat monster??"
"Vell," replied Ole, "I got it from my Genie."
"You haff a genie?" Sven asked.
"Ya, shure, right here in my tackle box," says Ole.
"Could I see him?"
So Ole opens his tackle box and sure enough, out pops the genie.
Sven says, addressing the genie, "Hey dere! I'm a good friend of your master. Vill you grant me vun vish?"
"Yes I will", says the genie.
So Sven asks the genie for a million bucks.
The genie disappears back into the tackle box leaving Sven sitting there,waiting for his million bucks.
Shortly, the sky darkens and is filled with the sound of a Million ducks, flying overhead.
Sven yells at Ole, "I asked for a million BUCKS, not Ducks!"
Ole answers, "Ya, I forgot to tell yew, da genie is hard of hearing.
Do yew really tink I asked for a 10-inch BIC?"
While she was playing, she did a horrible slice and the ball crashed intoa near by house's window and also broke a vase.
"CRAP!" The woman said.
They went over to pay for any damages,and when they got there they saw a half-naked man wearing a turban.
The strange man exclaimed that he was a genie and the vase they broke freed him, and would give them two wishes and would keep the last wish for himself.
They talked a while and asked for a mansion. The genie said,"When you return you shall have a house so huge nothing could come close in comparison to it." For the second wish, they asked to both (sometime in their life) be in the PGA tour and win.
The genie repied, "You will not only win but will also hold an outstanding new record."
Now this was a very horny genie, so for his third wish he wished to fuck the man's wife. They thought it over and decided it was fair, so the genie fucks her every way in the book.
Afterwards the woman asked the genie what it felt like trapped in a vase all those years, and the genie replyed. "You still believe in that genie shit?"
There were three men on a ranch grooming their horses. All of a sudden, a genie appears and says to the men, "I will each grant you one wish, then I must go."
The genie turns to the first man and says, "What is your wish?" The first man thinks for a while and then says, "I wish for my dick to be as big as my horse's."
The genie says, "Okay, just go to sleep, and when you wake up, your dick will be as big as your horse's."
Then the genie turns to the second man and asks him what he would like to wish for. The second man thinks hard then says, "I wish for my dick to be two times the size of my horse's." The genie asks, "Are you sure that's what you want?" The second man nods his head. "Okay, go to sleep and when you wake up, your dick will be twice the size of your horse's."
The genie turns to the third man and asks him what his wish is. "Um, I wish for my dick to be three time the size of my horse's." The genie asks him, "Now, are you sure that's what you want?" The third man says, "Yup! On second thought, make that four times the size" The genie tells the third man to go to sleep and when he wakes up, he will have his wish.
The next morning, the first man gets up and shouts..."Hooary! My dick is big!"
The second man runs to the first man and says, "That's nothing, my dick is HUGE!"
The third man comes into the room crying. The two other men ask him what's wrong.
The third man replies, "My horsey was a girl."
There was a guy sitting in his chair watching T.V. drinking a beer
He went to take another sip and there was nothing left. "Bugger", he said as he began to lift himself off the chair to get another beer.
Before he could stand a green genie flew out the top of his beer bottle. :Beer:
The genie said, "You got 3 wishes so make it quick!"
Straight away the guy wished for eternal life.
"You still got 2 so hurry up."
The guy said, "I'm sick of always running out of beer so i wish for a never ending bottle of beer, just like on that Tim Tam ad.
His beer bottle filled right to the top ready for him to take a sip.
The guy drank his beer and it filled up to the top again ready for him to take another sip.
The genie then said to the guy, "You have one more wish so what do you want?" "Hmmmmm,Hmmmmmm, since these never ending beers are so good I'll take another one please.
There were three men walking on the beach. Suddenly a genie appeared and said,
"You may have 1 wish each!"
The first guy thought for a while. "I want to be surrounded by women!" he said
A lot of women appeared on the beach.
The second guy said, "I want all these women to be topless!"
All the womens' tops disappeared.
"I want to live between a womens legs!" cried the third guy.
The genie turned him into a tampon.
A man finds a bottle on the beach and opens it.
A genie pops out. The genie says, "I will grant you one wish."
The man ponders this and says, "I've always wanted to sleep with three women at once."
The genie said, "your wish is granted, the women are at your house."
The man said, "thank you," and went home. Upon arrival, he discovered Elena Bobbit, Tanya Harding, and Hillary Clinton naked in his bed.
He thought not my first choices but beggers can't be choosey and jumped into bed. He passed out from exhaustion and when he awoke, he was in the hospital - he was castrated, had both knees broken and had no health insurance.
A Wish Come True!
This guy was walking through the desert when he found a magic lamp.
He picked the lamp up and rubbed the side of it.
Sure enough, a genie popped out. The genie said,
"Thank you for getting me out of that lamp. In return, I will grant you one wish."
So the guy thought about it and said, "I want a foreign car dealership in a major metropolitan city."
POOOF, he had a Chrysler dealership in Tokyo!
Another Genie Joke One day a women was taking a walk when see saw a lamp and rubbed and rubbed, finally a genie appeared.
He said you have three wishes, but under one condition your husband gets double what you wish for.
"WHAT!, that bastard he left me for a younger women....
OK,OK, I wish for a million dollars. POOF the money appeared at her feet, ...her husband had 2 million appear.
Next she wished for the worlds biggest diamond it appeared, ...her husbands got all sorts of jewels.
She told the genie she had to think about her last wish. She left for a little while, then came back and said she wanted the genie to scare her half to death.
A guy is strolling down the street in Chicago where he comes across an old lamp.
He picks it up, rubs it vigorously, and out pops a genie.
The genie offers to grant him one wish, to which the guy replies "I've always wanted to be lucky."
The genie grants his wish.
So off the guy strolls, wondering how this will change his life, when he spies 10 dollars on the sidewalk.
Not a bad start he thinks. As he picks it up, he notices an OTB betting shop across the road.
He strolls over, looks through the racing lists, and sees a horse named Lucky Lad at 100/1 in the 4th at the Meadowlands. He puts the 10 dollars on the horse to win, and what do you know, the horse bolts in.
Feeling on a bit of a roll, he heads to the local illegal casino, fronts up at the roulette table and puts the whole 1010 dollars on "Lucky seven."
Round and round the wheel spins, and "bang!" - Lucky Seven.
Now he's really flying....what better way to celebrate than to head to the local brothel for a bit of horizontal folk dancing.
He knocks and enters, when all of a sudden he is showered with streamers and handed a glass of champagne.
The madam of the establishment puts her arm around him and says, "Welcome sir!
We have much pleasure in informing you that you are our lucky 1000th customer, and you have won the right to enjoy the pleasures on offer from any girl who works here, absolutely free of charge."
The guy says that he's always fancied making it with an Indian girl....so he's ushered into one of the rooms when in strolls the most gorgeous sub-continental he has ever seen.
Not much time passes before clothing is strewn around the room and the Karma Sutra (pp 101 to 532) is being well and truly tested.
At one point the guy pauses and says to the girl, "You are one of the most beautiful women I've ever seen in my life. I can't believe how lucky I am.
But there is one thing I don't really like about Indian women. I don't like that red spot that you all have on your forehead."
The Indian girl looks him in the eye and says, "Sir, I am here to please you and succumb to your every desire.
If you wish to see it gone, then please scratch off my caste mark." So the guy goes at it with his fingernail.
All of a sudden he leans back and starts killing himself laughing.
"What's wrong, what's wrong?" asks the Indian girl.
To which the guy replies, "You're never going to believe this, but I've just won a car!"
A White House intern is shopping at a flea market,
and in looking at an oil lamp, releases a genie.
The genie promptly grants her three wishes.
"First," she said, "I'd like two of the biggest boobs in the whole world."
There's a puff of smoke -- Clinton and Hillary appear at her side....
There were three guys.
There was a river.
They needed to cross the river.
So as they were waiting, A lamp washed up upon shore, and the first one grabbed it and rubbed it, the Genie popped up and said, each of you have one wish.
So the first guy said, "I wish I was smart" and he swam across the river.
The second man said, "I wish I was smartER" and got a raft and paddled across the river.
The third guy said, "I wish...I wish I was the smartEST!!!" and the man turned into a woman, and walked across the bridge.
A Younger Woman
A 60 year old couple had been married for 25 years.
During the celebration a Genie appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple all those years, she would give them each one wish.
The wife wanted to travel around the world.
The Genie waved her wand and boom! She had the tickets in her hand.
Next, it was the husband's turn. He paused for a moment, then said shyly, "Well, I'd like to have a woman 30 years younger than me."
The Genie picked up her wand and boom! He was 90.
One day an Irishman found a bottle. He rubbed it and out came a genie. The genie said, "I will grant you 2 wishes."
The Irishman said, "I like Russian vodka. So I guess I'll take a glass of that." POOF! He had a glass of vodka!
To his surprise, once he finished the glass it refilled by itself, "Wow! It refilled itself!" The genie said, "Of course! It's a magic glass. It will never run out of vodka."
The Irishman exclaimed, "Great! I'll have another one of these!"
This guy was walking through the desert when he found a magic lamp.
He picked the lamp up and rubbed the side of it.
Sure enough, a genie popped out.
The genie said, "Thank you for getting me out of that lamp. In return, I will grant you one wish."
So the guy thought about it and said, "I want a foreign car dealership in a major metropolitan city."
POOOF, he had a Chrysler dealership in Tokyo!
A woman was walking on the beach right after a horrible, divorce, feeling really depressed about the fact that she has nobody, and no job and has to live off alimony, and she kicks this bottle.
Out comes a Genie, and he says "I see you are a divorcee, a I hate divorcees! I have been paying me ex alimony for the past 10,000,000 years!!!, however, you did free me, and I will give you a wish, 1 wish, and your ex will get five times as much."
She starts thinking what she can ask for that will be good for her and bad for her ex, first she wants to ask for a million dollars, but then realizes that her ex will get ten million. then she was going to be the most beautiful person in the world, but then realizes that her ex will look even better.
After a long time of thinking she says "I know what I want. I realize that my ex will get 5 times as much, and anyways, I decided that I want to marry a handsome man, and give birth to his child."
Make a wish...
One day, as a guy named Joe was walking around, he saw another guy with this HUGE plug up his ass... so Joe went up to him and asked why his ass was plugged up.
The guy said, "Well, I found one of those lamps with one of those genies in it, but this genie was kinda lazy, and he admitted so and said that he would only grant me one wish because he was lazy.
And then I said "no shit."
A guy is strolling down the street in Chicago where he comes across an old lamp. He picks it up, rubs it vigorously, and out pops a genie.
The genie offers to grant him one wish, to which the guy replies "I've always wanted to be lucky."
The genie grants his wish.
So off the guy strolls, wondering how this will change his life, when he spies 10 dollars on the sidewalk.
Not a bad start he thinks. As he picks it up, he notices an OTB betting shop across the road. He strolls over, looks through the racing lists, and sees a horse named Lucky Lad at 100/1 in the 4th at the Meadowlands.
He puts the 10 dollars on the horse to win, and what do you know, the horse bolts in.
Feeling on a bit of a roll, he heads to the local illegal casino, fronts up at the roulette table and puts the whole 1010 dollars on "Lucky seven." Round and round the wheel spins, and "bang!" - Lucky Seven.
Now he's really flying....what better way to celebrate than to head to the local brothel for a bit of horizontal folk dancing. He knocks and enters, when all of a sudden he is showered with streamers and handed a glass of champagne. The madam of the establishment puts her arm around him and says, "Welcome sir! We have much pleasure in informing you that you are our lucky 1000th customer, and you have won the right to enjoy the pleasures on offer from any girl who works here, absolutely free of charge."
The guy says that he's always fancied making it with an Indian girl....so he's ushered into one of the rooms when in strolls the most gorgeous sub-continental he has ever seen. Not much time passes before clothing is strewn around the room and the Karma Sutra (pp 101 to 532) is being well and truly tested.
At one point the guy pauses and says to the girl, "You are one of the most beautiful women I've ever seen in my life. I can't believe how lucky I am. But there is one thing I don't really like about Indian women. I don't like that red spot that you all have on your forehead."
The Indian girl looks him in the eye and says, "Sir, I am here to please you and succumb to your every desire. If you wish to see it gone, then please scratch off my caste mark." So the guy goes at it with his fingernail. All of a sudden he leans back and starts killing himself laughing.
"What's wrong, what's wrong?" asks the Indian girl.
To which the guy replies, "You're never going to believe this, but I've just won a car!"
Bob found a magic lamp and naturally, rubbed it.
The genie popped out and said, "I'll grant you any wish you want."
Bob thought and thought and finally gave his answer, "I want to be hard all the time and get all the ass I want."
"As you wish," the genie replied................Poof and the genie turned him into a toilet seat...
A woman was walking along the beach when she stumbled upon a Genie's lamp.
She picked it up and rubbed it, and lo-and-behold a Genie appeared. The amazed woman asked if she was going to receive the usual three wishes.
The Genie said, "Nope... due to inflation, constant downsizing, low wages in third-world countries, and fierce global competition, I can only grant you one wish. So...what'll it be?"
The woman didn't hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other."
The Genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Gadzooks, lady! These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm good, but not THAT good! I don't think it can be done. Make another wish."
The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been able to find the right man. You know, one that's considerate and fun, likes to cook and helps with the housecleaning, is good in bed and gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time, and is faithful. That's what I wish for ... a good mate."
The Genie let out a long sigh and said, "Let me see that fuckin' map!"
Two Arabs are in a locker room taking a shower after their racquetball game when one notices the other has a huge cork stuck in his butt.
"If you do not mind me saying," said the second, "that cork looks very uncomfortable. Why do you not take it out?"
"I cannot," lamented the first Arab. "It is permanently stuck in my butt." "I do not understand," said the other.
The first Arab says, "I was walking along the beach and I tripped over an oil lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a huge old man in an American flag attire with a white beard and top hat came oozing out. He said, "I am Uncle Sam, the Genie. I can grant you one wish."
Amazed, I said, "No shit."
The Cowboy's Wish
There was a cowboy riding down a trail on his horse and he came upon a rattlesnake. The cowboy reached for his gun and was about to shoot him when the rattlesnake said, "Don't shoot me. I am an enchanted rattle snake. If you don't shoot me I will give you three wishes."
The cowboy said, "Okay, I would like to have a face just like Clark Gable. I would like to have a body like Arnold Schwarzenegger's. And I would like to have sexual equipment like this here horse I'm ridin'."
The rattle snake said, "Alright. When you get back to the bunkhouse and look in the mirror, it will happen."
The cowboy got on his horse and rode back to the bunkhouse.
He looked in the mirrior and saw a face just like Clark Gable staring at him.
He ripped of his shirt and had rippiling muscles.
Then he ripped of his pants, looked down and yelled, "I forgot I was riding the mare!"
LorraineI couldn't resist passing this joke on.THE GOLDEN SCREW:
Years and years ago, this young lad was born with a golden screw in his navel.
When he went swimming with his friends, they all made fun of him.
One day while walking in the Enchanted Forest, his Fairy Godmother appeared and promised to grant him one wish.
Without hesitation, he said, "I wish I was rid of this golden screw in my navel!"
His fairy Godmother said, "Very well, take this bag of magic sand and sprinkle it in your eyes. You will fall sound asleep, and when you wake up, your wish will be granted."
The little boy quickly sat down next to a large tree, sprinkled the sand in his eyes and fell promptly asleep. A little while later, he awoke and looked down and saw that the screw was no longer there.
He was so happy that he got up and danced and kicked his heels----------and then his butt fell off.
One day a man spotted a lamp by the roadside. He picked it up, rubbed it
vigorously, and a genie appeared.
"I'll grant you your fondest wish," the genie said.
The man thought for a moment, then said, "I want a spectacular job. A job that no man has ever succeeded at or has ever even dared try."
"Poof!" said the genie. "You're a housewife."
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Lorraine
It has been 625 days since the last post.
Michele
Frank
It has been 442 days since the last post.