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Posted by Gordon Hedges III (Member # 863) on 07-03-2001, 07:34 PM:
Rated PG-13 
Posted by Gordon Hedges III (Member # 863) on 07-03-2001, 07:40 PM:
Rated G"How was your golf game, dear?" asked Jack's wife Tracy.
"Well, I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight's gotten so bad I couldn't see where the ball went."
"But you're seventy-five years old, Jack!" admonished his wife, "Why don't you take my brother Scott along?"
"But he's eighty-five and doesn't even play golf anymore," protested Jack.
"But he's got perfect eyesight. He could watch your ball," Tracy pointed out.
The next day Jack teed off with Scott looking on. Jack swung, and the ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway.
"Do you see it?" asked Jack.
"Yup," Scott answered.
"Well, where is it?" yelled Jack, peering off into the distance.
"I forget." 
Posted by Gordon Hedges III (Member # 863) on 07-03-2001, 07:45 PM:
Rated PG-13Gotcha
The worst (and wealthiest) member of Augusta approached Ben Crenshaw after the Master's Tournament. He challenged him to a match - double or nothing the prize money he had just one. Crenshaw was hesitant but hey who doesn't need more money right.
To make it fair he offered the guy any handicap he wanted. The member requested two gottchas. Crenshaw wasn't sure what a gottcha was but since the man was insistent, he agreed.
Then went out to the first tee and the member took a swing and his ball and sliced mightily. Crenshaw got up and teed up his ball. The guy came up behind Crenshaw and swung his driver hard between his legs "GOTTCHA!" he screamed. 
Crenshaw squirmed in agony, fell to the floor clutching his groin with tears streaming down his face. "That's one gottcha gone" said his challenger. Crenshaw took quite some minutes to compose himself again and played on.
At the end of the round the people couldn't believe that Crenshaw had lost,his only comment "ever play a round of golf waiting for the second "gottcha?"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 07-05-2001, 07:33 AM:
Rated G 
A man is getting ready to tee-off on the first hole when a second fellow
approaches and asks if he can join him.
The first says that he usually plays alone but agrees to let the second
guy join him.
Both are even after the first couple of holes.
The second guy says: "Say, we're about evenly matched, how about we play for a $5 a hole?"
The first fellow says that he usually plays alone and doesn't like to bet but agrees to the terms.
Well, the second guy wins the rest of the holes and as they're walking off of
the eighteenth hole and while counting his $80.00, he confesses that he's the pro at a neighboring course and likes to pick on suckers.
The first fellow reveals that he's the Parish Priest at the local Catholic Church to which the second fellow gets all flustered and apologetic and offers to give the Priest back his money.
The Priest says: "No, no. You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings."
The pro says: "Well, is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"
The Priest says: "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation. Then, if you bring your mother and father by after Mass, I'll marry them for you." 
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 07-19-2001, 08:59 AM:
Rated G 
There's a fellow who is an avid golfer.
Actually he's a golf fanatic. Every Saturday morning he has an early tee time.
He gets up very early and golf's all day long.
Well, this one Saturday morning, he gets up early, dresses quietly, gets his clubs out of the closet, and goes out to his car to drive to the course.
It is raining a torrential downpour. There is snow mixed with the rain and the wind is blowing 50 mph.
He comes back into the house and turns the TV to the weather channel. From there he finds that it's supposed to be bad weather all day long.
So he puts his clubs back into the closet, quietly undresses and slips back into bed where he cuddles up to his wife's back, and whispers, "The weather out there is terrible."
She replies, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out golfing?"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 07-26-2001, 01:25 PM:
Rated PG 
A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning.
The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony.
The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize.
She explained that she was a physical therapist: "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd just allow me!" she told him earnestly.
"Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be all right .
I'll be fine in a few minutes," he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch.
But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him.
She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and she put her hands inside.
She began to massage his crotch.
She then asked him: "How does that feel?"
To which he replied: "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell!"
Posted by Gordon Hedges III (Member # 863) on 07-31-2001, 11:14 PM:
Rated G (For GREAT Golf Achievement)This was released by AP on July 31, 2001:
3 year-old makes hole-in-one at California course
July 31, 2001
LAKE FOREST, Calif. (AP) -- Three-year-old Jake Paine swung his Snoopy driver and watched his golf ball soar 40 yards in the air, roll 25 feet and drop into the sixth hole at Lake Forest Golf and Practice Course.
``Daddy, I got a hole-in-one!'' the little boy told his father, Bill, after the ball dropped in Monday.
The feat was logged by the course, assistant starter Jeff McDonald said.
Jake's shot may be a record. The Guinness Sports Record Book published in 1997 said the youngest person to get a hole-in-one was 5.
Jake, of Rancho Santa Margarita, called it a ``Tiger shot,'' referring to his hero, Tiger Woods, who got his first hole-in-one when he was 6.
The youngster, who got a special permit to play golf a year ago, ended up shooting 48 on the nine-hole, par-29 course.
When asked to repeat the feat later that day, Jake -- who has never had a lesson -- stepped up to the tee and dropped the ball only a few feet from the cup.
As he left the course for the day, Jake yawned and told his dad, ``I'm sleepy. I can have more Tiger shots tomorrow.''
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 08-04-2001, 09:02 AM:
Rated G 
These two guys were approaching the first tee.
The first guy goes into his golf bag to get a ball and says to his friend, "Hey, why don't you try this ball?"
He draws a green golf ball out of his bag.
"You can't lose it."
His friend replies, "What do you mean you can’t lose it?!’"
The first man replies, "I'm serious, you can't lose it. If you hit it into the woods, it makes a beeping sound, if you hit it into the water it produces bubbles, and if you hit it on the fairway, smoke comes up in order for you to find it."
Obviously, his friend doesn't believe him, but the guy shows his friend all the possibilities until he is convinced.
The friend says, "Wow! That's incredible! Where did you get that ball?!"
The man replies," Found it."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 08-05-2001, 10:14 AM:
Rated R 
Three guys, a teenager, his father and his grandfather go out to play a round of golf.
Just before the son is ready to tee off, this fine looking woman walks up carrying her clubs.
She says her partner didn't show and asks if she can join them.
The guys say sure, since she is quite a beautiful woman.
The lady turns to the three of them and says, "I don't care what the three of you do, cuss, smoke, chew, spit, fart or whatever.
Just don't try to coach me on my game". The guys say okay and ask if she would like to tee off first.
All eyes are on her ass as her skirt rides up when she bends over to place the ball.
She then proceeds to knock the hell out of the ball right up the middle. She just starts pounding these guys, paring every hole. They get to the 18th and she has a 12-foot putt for par.
She turns around and says, "You guys have done a great job at not trying to coach me on my game. I've never shot par before, and I'm going to ask your opinions on this putt. Now if any of your opinions help me make the putt, I will give that guy a blow job he will never forget. "
The guys think, 'what a deal!' The kid walks over, eyes up the putt for a couple of minutes, and finally says, "Lady, aim that putt six inches to the right of the hole. The ball will break left 12 inches from the hole and go in the cup."
The father walks up and says, "Don't listen to the youngster, aim 12 inches to the right and the ball will break left 2 feet from the hole and fall into the cup."
The grandpa looks at both of them in disgust, walks over picking up the ball, drops it into the cup, unzips his fly and says "That's a Gimme."
Posted by Gordon Hedges III (Member # 863) on 08-21-2001, 03:11 AM:
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 08-27-2001, 10:24 AM:
Rated PG : THE WORST FOURSOME IN "GOLF"
1. MONICA LEWINSKY
2. O.J. SIMPSON
3. TED KENNEDY
4. BILL CLINTON
"WHY?" YOU ASK? WELL.......
1. MONICA IS A HOOKER
2. O.J. IS A SLICER
3. TED CAN'T DRIVE OVER WATER, AND....
4. BILL CAN'T REMEMBER WHICH HOLE HE PLAYED LAST
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 08-27-2001, 02:45 PM:
Rated G One time at a local golf course three shitty players were going out for a round of golf at 8 a.m.
Just as they were teeing off the course pro walked by.
One guy yelled out, ''Hey pro want to join us?''
The pro said sure and got his clubs and came out.
The first guy walked up to the tee box and hit. The ball hooked onto another fairway.
The guy turns around and asks the pro, ''What did I do wrong?''
The pro, knowing that this would probably take a while, looks at him and says ''LOFT.''
The guy pretended to understand this and put his club back in his bag.
The next guy walks up to the tee box and hits. The ball slices into the parking lot. Again the guy asks what he did wrong.
The pro again says ''LOFT.''
Then the last guy walks up and hits. The ball this time goes five feet off the tee box.
The guy again asks and the pro says ''LOFT.''
The first walks up to the pro and asks, ''What does loft mean if everybody sucks?
The pro says, ''There's nothing wrong with your swing it's just a LACK OF FUCKING TALENT!!!''
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 09-01-2001, 12:30 PM:
Rated G 10 Things in Golf That Sound Dirty
1. Look at the size of his putter.
2. Oh, dang, my shaft's all bent.
3. You really wacked the hell out of that sucker.
4. After 18 holes I can barely walk.
5. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip.
6. Lift your head and spread your legs.
7. You have a nice stroke, but your follow through leaves a lot to be desired.
8. Just turn your back and drop it.
9. Hold up. I've got to wash my balls.
10. Damn, I missed the hole again.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 09-01-2001, 12:33 PM:
Rated G []
Golfer: Notice any improvement since last year?
Caddy: Polished your clubs, didn't you?
Golfer: Why do you keep looking at your watch?
Caddy: This isn't a watch, sir. It's a compass.
Golfer: The doctor says I can't play golf.
Caddy: Oh, he's played with you, too, huh?
''Caddy, why didn't you see where that ball went?''
''Well, it doesn't usually go anywhere, Mr. Smith. You caught me off guard.''
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 09-02-2001, 09:14 PM:
Rated R A husband and wife want to take golf lessons from a pro at a local country club.
The man and woman meet the pro and head onto the driving range.
The man goes up to hit first. He swings and hits the ball 100 yards.
The golf pro says not bad. Golf pro,"Now hold the club as firm as you hold your wife's breasts". The man follows instructions and hits the ball 300 yards.
The golf pro says "Excellent!"
Now the woman takes her turn. Her ball goes 30 yards. Golf pro, "Not bad, try holding the club like you hold your husbands dick."
She swings and the ball goes 10 yards.
Golf pro, "Not bad, but now try taking the club out of your mouth and hit the ball."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 09-02-2001, 09:17 PM:
Rated G There were four buddies golfing and the first guy said, "I had to promise my wife that I would paint the whole outside of the house just to go golfing.
"The second guy said, "I promised my wife that I would remodel the kitchen for her."
The third guy said, "You guys have it easy! I promised my wife that I would built her a new deck."
They contuined to play the hole. Then the first guy said to the fourth guy, "What did you have to promise your wife?" The fourth guy replied, "I didn't promise anything."
All the guys were shocked, "How did you do it?!" He replied,"It's simple. I set the alarm clock for 5:30. Then I poked my wife and asked, 'Golf course or intercourse?' And she said,'Wear your sweater.'"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 09-29-2001, 12:41 PM:
Rated G
A golfer whose cart broke down flagged down a passing bus and got aboard.
He sat down on the bus, with his pants pockets full of golf balls, next to a little old lady.
The little old lady kept looking quizzically at him and his bulging pockets. Finally, after many such glances from her he said, "It's golf balls."
The little old lady continued to look at him thoughtfully and finally said, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-01-2001, 01:11 PM:
Rated G 10 Things In Golf That Sound Dirty
1. Look at the size of his putter.
2. Oh, dang, my shaft's all bent.
3. You really wacked the hell out of that sucker.
4. After 18 holes I can barely walk.
5. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip.
6. Lift your head and spread your legs.
7. You have a nice stroke, but your follow through leaves a lot to be desired.
8. Just turn your back and drop it.
9. Hold up. I've got to wash my balls.
10. Damn, I missed the hole again.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-20-2001, 12:29 PM:
Rated G
A retiree was given a set of golf clubs by his co-workers.
Thinking he'd try the game, he asked the local pro for lessons, explaining that he knew nothing whatever of the game.
The pro showed him the stance and swing, then said, "Just hit the ball toward the flag on the first green."
The novice teed up and smacked the ball straight down the fairway and onto the green, where it stopped inches from the hole.
"Now what?" the fellow asked the speechless pro.
"Uh. . .you're supposed to hit the ball into the cup." the pro finally said, after he was able to speak again.
"Oh great! Now you tell me," said the beginner in a disgusted tone.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-26-2001, 10:49 AM:
Rated R
There are two blondes playing golf.One tees off and hits a man as he's walking to the next hole.
He immediately clasps his hands over his crotch and falls to his knees in pain.
The two blondes run over and ask him if he is all right.
He says that he is fine, but the blondes insist on helping him. They unzip his pants and begin to massage his crotch.
After a while one blonde asks if it feels better and he says, "That felt good, but my hand still hurts like crazy!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-06-2001, 07:21 AM:
Rated G "A couple whose passion had waned saw a marriage counselor and went througha number of appointments that brought little success. Suddenly at one session the counselor grabbed the wife and kissed her passionately.
"There" he said to the husband, "That's what she needs every Monday, Wednesday,Saturday and Sunday".
"Well," replied the husband, "I can bring her in on Mondays and Wednesdays but Saturdays and Sundays are my golf days."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-06-2001, 07:25 AM:
Rated PG A woman just finished playing a round of golf and came off the course all
pissed off.
The golf pro, wanting to be helpful, asked her what kind of problem she was
having on the course today.
She replied, "I was stung by a bee and its been itching like crazy!"
The golf pro said "where did this happen?".
"Between the first and second hole," she snapped back.
"Thats an easy one," said the golf pro, "you need to tighten up your stance."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-11-2001, 12:41 PM:
Rated PG One time at a local golf course three shitty players were going out for a round of golf at 8 a.m. Just as they were teeing off the course pro walked by.
One guy yelled out, ''Hey pro want to join us?'' The pro said sure and got his clubs and came out. The first guy walked up to the tee box and hit. The ball hooked onto another fairway.
The guy turns around and asks the pro, ''What did I do wrong?''
The pro, knowing that this would probably take a while, looks at him and says ''LOFT.'' The guy pretended to understand this and put his club back in his bag. The next guy walks up to the tee box and hits. The ball slices into the parking lot. Again the guy asks what he did wrong.
The pro again says ''LOFT.''
Then the last guy walks up and hits. The ball this time goes five feet off the tee box. The guy again asks and the pro says ''LOFT.''
The first walks up to the pro and asks, ''What does loft mean if everybody sucks?
The pro says, ''There's nothing wrong with your swing it's just a LACK OF FUCKING TALENT!!!''
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-04-2002, 01:14 PM:
Rated PG A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course, became confused as to where he was on the course. Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her, explained his, confusion and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing.
She replied, "I'm on the 7th hole, and you are a hole behind me,so you must be on the 6th.
He thanked her and went back to his golf.
On the back nine the same thing happened, and he approached her again, with the same request.
She said, "I'm on the 14th hole, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th hole."
Once again he thanked her and returned to his play.
He finished his round and went to the clubhouse, where he saw the same lady sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the bartender if he knew the lady. The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often.
He approached her and said, "Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for your help. I understand that you are in the salesprofession. I'm in sales also. What do you sell?"
She replied, "If I tell you, you'll laugh."
"No, I won't."
"Well, if you must know," she answered, "I work for Tampax."
With that, he laughed so hard he almost lost his breath.
She said, "See I knew you would laugh."
"That's not what I'm laughing at," he replied.
"I'm a toilet paper salesman, so I'm still a hole behind you!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-08-2002, 07:08 AM:
Rated R One morning, a man is golfing when he meets a woman on the course.
He finds her attractive, and asks her if she'd like to play with him.
They play a round, and she wins by four strokes.
Sensing the guy's embarrassment, the woman offers to take him to the parking lot and give him head in her car to make him feel better.
For the rest of the week, they play together every morning. The woman wins by four or five strokes each time and then goes down on him in the parking lot.
On Friday, he invites her to his house for a romantic dinner. That evening, they have a lovely meal and move to the couch to fool around. The woman pulls away and says, ''That's it, stop, wait. I must confess something to you! I'm a transvestite; I'm really a man!''
''You son of a bitch!'' the guy replies.
''You've been hitting off the women's tee all week!''
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-26-2002, 08:16 AM:
Rated G 
A retiree was given a set of golf clubs by his co-workers.
Thinking he'd try the game, he asked the local pro for lessons, explaining that he knew nothing whatever of the game.
The pro showed him the stance and swing, then said, "Just hit the ball toward the flag on the first green."
The novice teed up and smacked the ball straight down the fairway and onto the green, where it stopped inches from the hole.
"Now what?" the fellow asked the speechless pro.
"Uh. . .you're supposed to hit the ball into the cup." the pro finally said, after he was able to speak again.
"Oh great! Now you tell me," said the beginner in a disgusted tone.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-28-2002, 06:59 AM:
Rated PG There was an old man named Bill, and one of the things he most enjoyed was playing golf with his old buddy Fred. Bill's wife always commented on how happy he looked after a game.
But one day he came home from their weekly game looking terrible and very tired. His wife asked, "What's the matter, Bill? You always seem so happy after golf and you look miserable right now."
Bill said, "Well, something terrible happened. Fred had a heart attack on the first hole."
"My God, honey!" said the wife, rushing to comfort him. "That must've been terrible!"
"It was," he said. "All day long it was: hit the ball, drag Fred to the ball, and then hit it again..."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-20-2002, 07:21 AM:
Rated G
A golfer stands over his tee shot for what seems an eternity to his partner. He looks up, looks down, measures the distance and figures the wind direction and speed. The longer he takes, the more his partner fidgets.
Finally his exasperated partner says, "What's taking so long? Hit the blasted ball."
The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot."
"Forget it, man," the partner says. "You'll never hit her from here."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-22-2002, 07:05 AM:
Rated G A guy receives an ad in the mail for a golf resort where everything costs one dollar. He jumps at the offer and heads off for a weekend of fun in the sun.
He arrives and plays a round of golf. It cost him a buck.
When he goes for dinner that evening, it costs him another buck.
His room is only a buck a day!
The day before he's to check out, he heads out to play a last round and stops by the pro shop and charges a sleeve of three balls to his room.
When he's checking out next morning, he looks at the bill and sees"Golf: $1. 00. Dinner: $1.00. Room: $1.00. Sleeve of golf balls:$3,000.00" He hits the ceiling!
Calling over to the manager, he asks, "What is this all about? Everything is supposed to cost one dollar, and you charged me three thousand for three golf balls?"
I'm sorry, sir," said the manager, "but you didn't read the fine print in our promotional brochure. That's what our golf balls cost."
"Well," said the man, "if I wanted to spend that kind of money, I could've gone to that luxury hotel across the street and paid them a thousand dollars a day for a room. At least I would've known what I was paying for!"
"That's right, sir, you could have," said the manager. "Over there they get you by the room. Over here we get you by the balls!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-24-2002, 01:53 PM:
Rated G THIS SIGN WAS POSTED AT A LOCAL GOLF CLUB
1. Back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart.
2. Form a loose grip.
3. Keep your head down.
4. Avoid a quick back swing.
5. Stay out of the water.
6. Try not to hit anyone.
7. If you are taking too long, please let others go ahead of you.
8. Don't stand directly in front of others.
9. Quiet please... while others are preparing to go.
10. Don't take extra strokes.
Well done. Now flush the urinal, go outside, and tee off!
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-06-2002, 03:19 AM:
Rated G A father spoke to his son, "It's time we had a little talk my son.
Soon you will have urges and feelings you've never had before. Your heart will pound and your hands will sweat. You'll be preoccupied and won't be able to think of anything else."He added, "But don't worry, it's perfectly normal ... it's called golf."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-09-2002, 10:09 AM:
Rated G Eric and Phil were teeing off on the long par 5seventh hole. Eric decided he was going to reach thegreen in two and took such a cut at the ball that heal most fell over. The ball skimmed out over the course about 5 feet above the ground, slicing into a tree and bouncing into the fairway about 150 yards out.
Phil said: "Nice condom shot."
Eric said: "What's a condom shot."
Phil said: "Safe, but doesn't feel good."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-15-2002, 09:01 PM:
Rated G Q. How is golf like taxes?
A. Well, you drive hard to get to the green, and then you wind up in the hole.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 05-10-2002, 01:16 PM:
Rated G This fellow's wife was constantly nagging him to teach her to play golf. Finally, one morning he relented and off they go. First hole: Par 3, 179 yards, very pretty. The husband steps up first and says, "Now watch me, and do the same thing." He hits a beautiful shot, lands on the green with about 30 feet to the cup.
The wife steps up, drills it, hooks it, and it ricochets off a tree, bounces off a rock and rolls up onto the green and drops into the cup. The husband looks at this, and says, "OK, now you know how to play, let's go home."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 05-10-2002, 01:19 PM:
Rated G Friend of mine named hates to lose at golf. He was in afoursome when his ball landed in a sand trap. Hidden from view, the rest of us could hear him as he hacked away at the ball. When he finally drove it out, and rejoined us, I asked him how many strokes that was.
"Three." he replied.
"Oh come on!" said another member of the group. "I heard six."
"Three..." replied Dan "were echoes."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 05-13-2002, 11:16 AM:
Rated PG Jack and Jessica met on the beach, fell in love with each other at first glance, and after three days, were married.
The wedding night was as successful as it could be, but when Jessica awoke the following morning, she found her husband dressing.
She said, "Honey, where are you going?"
Jack said, "Darling, we married so rapidly, I had no chance to tell you that I'm a golf fiend. I play golf every day. I enter every tournament. I am afraid that you will rarely see me."
Jessica nodded and said, "Well, that's all right. After all, we married so rapidly, I had no chance to tell you, either, that I'm a hooker."
Jack said,"Oh sweetheart, that's nothing-don't worry about that for a minute! It's easily corrected by holding the golf club like this...
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 05-13-2002, 11:47 AM:
Rated G On a beautiful sunny Sunday afternoon, a guy stood on the first tee at his country club. He had just pulled out his driver when a young woman in a wedding gown came running up to him, crying.
"You creep!" she screamed in his face. "You lousy no-good rotten stinking creep!"
"What's your problem, sweetie?" he calmly replied. "I distinctly told you 'only if it rained'."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 05-23-2002, 06:29 AM:
Two men were out playing a game of golf. One of them was teeing off at the third hole, when a beautiful naked lady ran past. Naturally this distracted him somewhat, but the true committed golfer that he
was, he resumed his stance.As he was about to hit the shot again, two men in white coats ran past. "What's going on here?" he thought, once again taking his stance.
Another distraction as a third man went running by in a white coat, but this man was carrying two buckets of sand. Eventually, he was ready again, and took his shot. As he was walking down the fairway,
he asked his companion what he thought had been going on. His companion knew and told him:
"Well that lady, once a week, manages to escape from the mental hospital beside the course, tears off her clothes and runs across the fairways. The three guys you saw were the nurses. They have a race to
see which can catch her first, and the winner gets to carry her back.''
"What about the bucket of sand?''
"Well, that guy won last week, the buckets of sand are his handicap."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-03-2002, 01:32 AM:
Rated G A golfer got on the Tee of a short water hole. He teed an old ball, and a voice said: "Use a new ball!"
So the guy teed up a new ball and took a practice swing.
The voice said: Use the old ball!!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-22-2002, 03:33 PM:
Tees
Rated G
Jack Nicklaus took his Cadillac in for a car wash. As he was finishing, the kid who was drying the car found two golf tees on the front seat. Having no golf experience he had no idea what they were.
When Nicklaus walked over to get the car after the kid was signaled him, the kid showed Nicklaus what he found and asked what they were.
*Oh, those are tees.* *What do you use them for?* They hold up my balls when I am driving*.
The kid walked away, shaking his head and saying to himself *Damn Cadillac! They think of everything!*
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 07-10-2002, 01:04 PM:
Rated G The Golfer and The Caddy
G: "I think I'm going to drown myself in the lake."
C: "Think you can keep your head down that long?"
G: "I'd move heaven and earth to break a hundred on this course."
C: "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."
G: "Do you think my game is improving?"
C: "Yes Sir, you miss the ballmuch closer now."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 07-10-2002, 01:47 PM:
Rated G
Question: "Are golf balls as painful as athlete's foot?"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 07-10-2002, 03:05 PM:
Rated G G: = Golfer
C: = Caddy
G: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"
C: "Eventually."
G: "You've got to be the worst golfer in the world."
C: "I don't think so ma'am. That would be too much of a coincidence."
G: "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too much of a distraction."
C: "It's not a watch - It's a compass."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 07-11-2002, 01:15 PM:
Rated G Handicap Golf
A guy about to tee off was approached by a man who held out a card that read, "I am a deaf mute. May I please play through?"
The first man gave the card back, angrily shaking his head, and saying, "No, you CANNOT play through." He assumed the guy read lips so he mouthed, "I can't believe you would try to use your handicap to your own advantage like that! Shame on you!"
The deaf man walked away and the first man whacked the ball onto the green and then walked off to finish the hole.
Just as he was about to put the ball into the hole he was hit in the head with a golf ball that knocked him out cold.
When he came to a few minutes later, he looked around and saw the deaf mute sternly looking at him, one hand on his hip, the other hand holding up four fingers.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 07-16-2002, 06:37 AM:
Rated PG
WORST FOURSOME IN GOLF:
1. MONICA LEWINSKY
2. O.J. SIMPSON
3. TED KENNEDY
4. BILL CLINTON
"WHY?" YOU ASK?
WELL.......
1. MONICA IS A HOOKER
2. O.J. IS A SLICER
3. TED CAN'T DRIVE OVER WATER, AND....
4. BILL CAN'T REMEMBER WHICH HOLE HE PLAYED LAST!
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 07-16-2002, 08:29 AM:
Rated G Two Tennessee men were starting a round of golf together.On thefirst tee, the first guy smacked a beautiful drive down the center of the fairway.With a smile,he picked up the tee and walked to the cart.
The second guy cranked another good drive down the center of the fairway,Pleased,he hopped in the cart.
When they arrived to the golf balls,they noticed that they were 10 yds apart.
"That's mine up there" said the first guy pointing to the ball closer to the green.
"No way, I outdrove you easily" said the second guy. Before you know it, fists were flying. After a brief scuffle, the second guy stopped and said, "I know how we can solve this problem!"
"How?"
"We will get the clubhouse pro out here!"
Sure enough, they drove back to the clubhouse and got him, dragged him out to the fairway. Studying the situation for a few minutes the pro finally said, "I know to solve this!"
"How" said the first guy?
"Yeah, How" yelled the second.
Replied the pro, "Who's hittin' the yellow ball?"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 07-29-2002, 07:32 AM:
Rated G Golfer: "How do you like my game?"
Caddy: "Very good sir, but personally, I prefer golf."
Golfer: "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?"
Caddy: "The way you play, sir, it's a sin on any day."
Golfer: "This is the worst course I've ever played on."
Caddy: "This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago."
Golfer: "That can't be my ball, it's too old."
Caddy: "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 08-06-2002, 04:06 PM:
Shloyme Seltzer had become rich and wanted to show off,so he ordered his driver to drive him to the new exclusive golf club in his new Cadillac.
Unfortunately, a sign at the door unmistakably stated that Jews were not permitted access.
The driver wanted to return home, but not Shloyme!
Shloyme said, "Wait here for me."
His driver responded, "But don't you see the sign? They'll kick you out immediately!"
Shloyme said, "I don't have to tell them I'm Jewish," and he walked toward the gate.
So the driver waited... one hour... two hours... three hours.
After three and a half hours, Shloyme was kicked out by two body-builder type guardsmen.
The driver asked, "What happened?"
Shloyme said,"Everything was fine until we played holemnumber eight! Accidentally I shot my ball into one of these ponds. I shouted, 'Oh, my God, what'll I do now?'And then the waters separated and everybody knew..."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 08-19-2002, 02:21 PM:
Rated G
A golfer took his tee shot and watched the ball sail into the woods. His next shot went into a few trees. He tried again and managed to hit the ball over the fairway and into more trees.
Finally, after several more shots, he ended up in a sand trap. Throughout his ordeal, he was under the watchful eye of the local golf pro.
"What club should I use on this shot?" asked the golfer.
"I don't know," the pro replied. "What game are you playing?"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 08-22-2002, 08:49 AM:
Rated G Phil in Cleveland"Tom" sits in clubhouse bar thinking about cheating on his wife with a beautiful young secretary who has been working in his office.
Deep in thought about the subject he absent mindedly starts thinking allowed.
"Not worth it" he muttered "never as good as you hoped. Expensive and above all drives the wife berserk."
A friend who was sitting close by at the time and over heard Tom's words leaned across and said... "come on Tom you knew what to expect when you took up golf."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 09-25-2002, 12:42 PM:
Rated G "Show me a man who is a good loser and I'll show you a man who is playing golf with his boss."
--Jim Murray
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 09-25-2002, 03:48 PM:
Rated G The other morning I woke up and found that I had grown to gigantic proportions. I was the same height as Big Ben and the Eiffel Tower. It was then that I made a crucial decision:
No more drinking while playing miniature golf.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 09-25-2002, 03:58 PM:
Rated G A golfer hits a wicked slice off the tee that ricochets through the trees and into the next fairway narrowly missing another golfer.
When the first golfer gets to his ball, he is greeted by his unintended victim who angrily tells him of the near miss.
"I'm sorry, I didn't have time to yell fore," yells the first golfer.
"That's funny" replies the second, "you had plenty of time to yell 'OH, CRAP!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 09-29-2002, 09:07 PM:
Rated G AlexSue loved the golf game but was not very good at it.
She was out on the links one day, playing with her husband Tim. As usual, every time she swung at the ball, she made the earth beneath it fly every which way! "My goodness, Tim," she said, blushing at her ineptitude, "I bet the worms think there's an earthquake going on."
"Don't be so sure, Sue. The worms on this course are mighty smart. My guess is that most of them are hiding beneath your golf ball for safety."
Posted by Sean McKinnon (Member # 612) on 10-09-2002, 02:55 AM:
Rated pg-13 for language A nun is sitting with her Mother Superior chatting. "I used some
horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible about it."
"when did you use this awful language?" asks the elder. "well, I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going
to go over 280 yards, but it struck a phone line that is hanging over
the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100 yards."
Is that when you swore?"
"No, Mother," says the nun. "After that, a squirrel ran out of the
bushes and grabbed my ball in its mouth and began to run away."
"Is THAT when you swore?" asks the Mother Superior again.
"Well, no." says the nun. "You see, as the squirrel was running, an
eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!"
"Is THAT when you swore?" asks the amazed elder nun.
"No, not yet. As the eagle carried the squirrel away in its claws, it flew near the green and the squirrel dropped my ball."
"Did you swear THEN?" asked Mother Superior, becoming impatient.
"No, because the ball fell on a big rock, bounced over the sand trap, rolled onto the green, and stopped about six inches from the hole."
The two nuns were silent for a moment.
Mother Superior sighed and said, "You missed the fucking putt, didn't
you?"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-25-2002, 09:59 AM:
Rated PG Tired of being a golf widow, a woman took up the game and wound up
playing with her husband on a country course one day. He hit his
drive way off into the rough, behind a barn. She came over to take a look, surveyed the situation, and suggested that if he opened both barn doors he could hit his ball straight through the barn to the green.
He saw this as an excellent idea, complimented her for her suggestion, then opened the doors and stepped up to the ball. He made a swing and great contact. Unfortunately, the ball was off line, careened off the door frame, hit the wife in the head and killed her.
Years went by, the man finally remarried, and this time found himself a golfer for a wife. Incredibly, the same situation occurs. The man is in the rough behind the same barn. His new wife took a look at his ball and suggested that he could make the green if he opened both barn doors and hit through the barn.
"No way," he says. "I can't do that."
"Why not?" she asks.
"The last time I did that something terrible happened."
"What?" she asked.
"I got a double bogey."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-28-2002, 10:08 AM:
Rated X TOP TEN THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY IN GOLF BUT AREN'T
10. Nuts...my shaft is bent.
9. After 18 holes I can barely walk.
8. You really whacked the hell out of that sucker.
7. Look at the size of his putter.
6. Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more.
5. Mind if I join your threesome?
4. Stand with your back turned and drop it.
3. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip.
2. Nice stroke, but your follow through has a lot to be desired.
1. Hold up...I need to wash my balls first.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-28-2002, 07:43 PM:
Rated PG
Rated PG I CAN MAKE THIS PUTT
Playing golf with his buddies, my grandfather had to make a slick
45-foot, downhill putt. As he lined it up, he announced, "I have a dollar bill that says I can make this putt. Does anyone want to bet?"
His three friends eagerly agreed to the wager. My grandfather missed the putt by ten feet, and his friends gathered around to collect their money.Granddad pulled out a dollar bill on which he had printed, "I can make this putt."
His pals are still trying to collect on the bet;my grandfather is too
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-30-2002, 09:36 PM:
Rated G My job as a land surveyor took me to a golf course that was expanding to 18 holes. Using a machete to clear thick brush in an area I was mapping,I came upon a golf club that an irate player must have tossed away.It was in good condition,so I picked it up and continued on.
When I broke out of the brush onto a putting green,two golfers stared at me in awe.I had a machete in one hand,a golf club in the other, and behind me was a clear-cut swath over 100 yards long.
"There,"said one of the golfers,"is a guy who hates to lose his ball!
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-18-2002, 04:49 PM:
Rated G ![[Smile]](smile.gif)
QUICKIE
Two Mexican police detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Valdez.
"How was he keeld, amigo?" asked one detective.
"Witha golf gun," the other detective replied
...."a golf gun? What ees a golf gun amigo?"
"I dun no....But eet sure made a hole in Juan!" ![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-20-2002, 03:11 PM:
Rated G
Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was
called witchcraft............... Today, it's called golf.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-25-2002, 12:09 PM:
Rated G JJ Hugging the West Coast
Collection of Golf Sayings:
When I die, bury me on the golf course so my husband will visit. ~Author Unknown
I don't say my golf game is bad, but if I grew tomatoes they'd come up sliced. ~Author Unknown
I've spent most of my life golfing .... the rest I've just wasted. ~Author Unknown
They call it golf because all the other four-letter words were taken. ~Raymond Floyd
My handicap? Woods and irons. ~Chris Codiroli
The ardent golfer would play Mount Everest if somebody would put a flag stick on top. ~Pete Dye
Golf is played by twenty million mature American men whose wives think they are out having fun. ~Jim Bishop
I'm hitting the woods just great .... but having a terrible time getting out of them! ~Author Unknown
I know I am getting better at golf because I'm hitting fewer spectators. ~Gerald Ford
It took me seventeen years to get three thousand hits in baseball. I did it in one afternoon on the golf course. ~Hank Aaron
Golf is a game in which you yell "fore," shoot six,and write down five. ~Paul Harvey
The game of golf would lose a great deal if croquet mallets and billiard cues were allowed on the putting green. ~Ernest Hemingway
Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air. ~Jack Benny
Have you ever noticed what golf spells backwards? ~Al Boliska
The only time my prayers are never answered is on the golf course. ~Billy Graham
Reverse every natural instinct and do the opposite of what you are inclined to do, and you will probably come very close to having a perfect golf swing. ~Ben Hogan
Go play golf. Go to the golf course. Hit the ball. Find the ball. Repeat until the ball is in the hole. Have fun. The end. ~Chuck Hogan
If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball. ~Jack Lemmon
I play in the low 80s. If it's any hotter than that, I won't play. ~Joe E. Lewis
It's good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling. ~Mark Twain
Don't play too much golf. Two rounds a day are plenty. ~Harry Vardon
Golf is a game in which one endeavors to control a ball with implements ill adapted for the purpose. ~Woodrow Wilson
A golfer's diet: live on greens as much as possible. ~Author Unknown
Gone golfin' ... be back dark thirty. ~Author Unknown
Born to golf. Forced to work. ~Author Unknown
My body is here, but my mind has already teed off. ~Author Unknown
May thy ball lie in green pastures .... and not in still waters. ~Author Unknown
If I hit it right, it's a slice. If I hit it left, it's a hook. If I hit it straight, it's a miracle. ~Author Unknown
The difference in golf and government is that in golf you can't improve your lie. ~George Deukmejian
Golf is a game invented by the same people who think music comes out of a bagpipe. ~Author Unknown
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-26-2002, 06:45 AM:
Rated G
"That's it!" said the exasperated golfer to this insolent young caddie."I've had enough of your lip. When we get back to the
clubhouse,I'm going to report you directly to the caddie master."
"Ooooooo, I'm so worried," responded the little brat.
"You'd better worry," said the golfer.
"And why should I worry," said the kid. "At the rate you play, by
the time we get back, it'll be time for me to retire."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-05-2002, 11:47 AM:
Rated G
After hitting his tee shot deep into the woods,the golfer turned
to his caddie.
"Did you see where that one went?"he asked.
"No sir,as a matter of fact I didn't,"replied the caddie.
"Well,why didn't you watch where it went?"snapped the angry man.
"Frankly,sir,"said the caddie,"I was quite unprepared for it to go anywhere."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-06-2002, 01:53 PM:
Rated G
THOUGHTS ON GOLF
Eighteen holes of match play will teach you more about your foe than 18 years of dealing with him across a desk.
~Grantland Rice
Golf appeals to the idiot in us and the child. Just how childlike golf players become is proven by their frequent inability to count past five.
~John Updike
It is almost impossible to remember how tragic a place the world is when one is playing golf.
~Robert Lynd
If profanity had an influence on the flight of the ball, the game of golf would be played far better than it is.
~Horace G. Hutchinson
They say golf is like life, but don't believe them. Golf is more complicated than that.
~Gardner Dickinson
If a lot of people gripped a knife and fork the way they do a golf club, they'd starve to death.
~Sam Snead
Golf is a day spent in a round of strenuous idleness.
~William Wordsworth
If you drink, don't drive. Don't even putt.
~Dean Martin
If you are going to throw a club, it is important to throw it ahead of you, down the fairway, so you don't have to waste energy going back to pick it up.
~Tommy Bolt
Man blames fate for other accidents, but feels personally responsible when he makes a hole in one.
~Author Unknown
I don't say my golf game is bad, but if I grew tomatoes they'd come up sliced.
~Author Unknown
My handicap? Woods and irons.
~Chris Codiroli
The ardent golfer would play Mount Everest if somebody would put a flag stick on top.
~Pete Dye
I'm hitting the woods just great .... but having a terrible time getting out of them!
~Author Unknown
The only time my prayers are never answered is on the golf course.
~Billy Graham
If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball.
~Jack Lemmon
It's good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling.
~Mark Twain
Don't play too much golf. Two rounds a day are plenty.
~Harry Vardon
Golf and sex are the only things you can enjoy without being good at them.
~Jimmy Demaret
May thy ball lie in green pastures .... and not in still waters.
~Author Unknown
If I hit it right, it's a slice. If I hit it left, it's a hook. If I hit it straight, it's a miracle.
~Author Unknown
The difference in golf and government is that in golf you can't improve your lie.
~George Deukmejian
Golf is a game invented by the same people who think music comes out of a bagpipe.
~Author Unknown
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-09-2002, 10:40 AM:
Rated PG
A foursome is waiting at the men's tee when another foursome of ladies are hitting from the ladies tee. The ladies are taking their time and when finally the last one is ready to hit the ball she hacks it about 10 feet,goes over to it, hacks it another ten feet and looks up at the men waiting and says apologetically, "I guess all those fucking lessons I took this winter didn't help!"
One of the men immediately replies,"No,I see your problem,you should have been taking golf lessons instead."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-16-2002, 08:55 AM:
Rated G
A ROUND OF GOLF
When I finish under 90, I consider it a good day of golf. How about you?
For me, it is a good day when I finish before dark!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-16-2002, 01:18 PM:
RATED R ![[Eek!]](eek.gif)
Colleen Collins ![[Embarrassed]](redface.gif)
Ferndale MI
Lady Golfer
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using.
After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store.
He asked if he could help me.
Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-16-2002, 03:12 PM:
Rated R ![[Frown]](frown.gif)
This American golf fanatic always dreamed of playing at St. Andrews, and finally got the chance. Going with his wife, they teed off andhe proceeded to play the best game of his life. After 9 holes, he was 5 strokes under par,and was on cloud nine. On the back nine, he started playing even better,even getting an Eagle on the 16th hole.
He was so excited that he ended up slicing the shot on the 17th tee,and as he walked up to it, saw that his ball was behind a small shack for the groundskeepers.
Now he started to worry that his score would go up, but his caddy came up to him and said "Sir, this may sound like a tough shot, but if you put it through that window, the ball should go through the window on the other side, and if you're lucky, the ball will roll onto the green. The way you've played today, I think you can make it."
So the guy takes a look and sees that it's a tough shot, but possible, so he tries it. But his shot just misses the window, hit the window frame, and struck his wife right in the head, killing her instantly.
Years go by and the man can't forget that horrible day. People he tells the story to all sympathize with him, but he just has no will to live. But then he realizes what he must do - Face his nightmare!
He travels back to Scotland and plays another round at St. Andrews,and miraculously, he is playing another stellar game. He starts to feel better about himself as the round goes on, but when he approaches the 17th hole,he gets so nervous that he slices his shot to the same damned spot.
As at his ball lying there behind the shack, his caddy says "Sir, the way you've been playing, why not try a trick shot. Some of the other caddies say if you can get it through that window, it will follow through the one opposite it and roll onto the green."
The guy says "Are you out of your fuckin' mind? The last time I tried that I double-bogied!" ![[Mad]](mad.gif)
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-16-2002, 07:13 PM:
Rated PG
This guy unexpectedly got the day off and decided he would spend it on the golf course. After arriving at the club house, he was told that the only way he could play today was if he was willing to play along with three nuns.
He agreed and set off with the nuns in tow. At the first hole he said, after you, and the nuns insisted that he go first.
He took a giant swing and sliced it into a nearby bunker.
"Goddammit!" he said.
"Oh, my, please refrain from using that kind of language around us." said the nun.
"I'm so sorry, ma'am, it won't happen again."
The nun gets up to the tee and her ball travels about twenty yards, hits a tree, and bounces back behind them.
"Well shit, Goddamn, hell, fuck!" exclaims the nun.
"Hey, what did you tell me about that?" asks the man.
"Yeah, well, you didn't hit a fuckin' tree."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-17-2002, 09:19 AM:
Rated G
A man was about to tee off on the golf course when he felt a tap on his shoulder & a man handed him a card that read "I am a deaf mute. May I play through, please?"
The 1st man angrily gave the card back, and communicated that "no, he may NOT play through, and that his handicap did not give him such a right."
The first man whacked the ball onto the green and left to finish the hole.
Just as he was about to put the ball into the hole he was hit in the head with a golf ball, laying him out cold.
When he came to a few minutes later, he looked around and saw the deaf mute sternly looking at him, one hand on his hip, the other hand holding up 4 fingers.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-28-2002, 02:06 PM:
Rated G
"Say, Ralph, you want to hit the golf course this afternoon?"
"Sorry, I can't."
"Why not?"
'The doctor, told me I can't play."
"Oh, he's seen your game, too?"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-10-2003, 04:49 PM:
Rated G
Golf Definitions
GOLF, n.
[1] a game that consists of a lot of walking, broken up by disappointment and bad arithmetic.
[2] a game of opposites - the world's slowest people are ahead of you, and the fastest are behind.
[3] the most fun you can have without taking your clothes off {Chi Chi Rodriguez}.
[4] a colorful sport that keeps you on the green, in the pink, and financially in the red.
[5] a game which is allowed to be played on Sunday (under blue laws) because it was not considered a game by the law, but a form of moral effort.
[6] is like a love affair - if you don't take it seriously, it's no fun, if you do, it breaks your heart.
[7] a game a lot like taxation - you drive hard to get to the green, and then you find yourself in a hole.
GOLF CART, n.
[1] A popular mode of transportation because, unlike a caddie, it can neither count, criticize, nor snicker.
GOLFER, n.
[1] a person who yells "fore," takes six, and puts down five;
[2] a guy who has the advantage over a fisherman - he doesn't have to bring home anything when he brags he had a great day.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-11-2003, 01:28 PM:
Rated G The LAW'S of golf
LAW 12:
A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than anyone in your group. Likewise, a group you accidentally hit into will consist of a football player, a professional wrestler, a convicted murderer and an IRS agent -- or some similar combination.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-21-2003, 09:44 AM:
Rated G
Religious battle golf
The Pope met with the College of Cardinals to discuss a proposal from Shimon Peres, the former leader of Israel. "Your holiness," said one of the Cardinals, "Mr. Peres wants to determine whether Jews or Catholics are superior, by challenging you to a golf match." The Pope was greatly disturbed, as he had never held a golf club in his life.
"Not to worry," said the Cardinal, "we'll call America and talk to Jack Nicklaus. We'll make him a Cardinal, he can play Shimon Peres... We can't lose!" Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made and, of course, Jack was honored and agreed to play.
The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of his success in the match. "I came in second, your Holiness," said Nicklaus.
"Second?!!" exclaimed the surprised Pope. "You came in second to Shimon Peres?!!"
"No," said Nicklaus, "second to Rabbi Woods."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-27-2003, 07:25 AM:
Rated PG
Dave had tried to be particularly careful about his language as he played golf with his preacher.But on the twelfth hole,when he twice failed to hit out of a sand trap,he lost his resolve and
let fly with a string of expletives.
The preacher felt obliged to respond. "I have observed," said he in a calm voice,"that the best golfers do not use foul language."
"I guess not," said Dave,"What the hell do they have to cuss about....?"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-28-2003, 12:50 PM:
Rated G Baby Blues
How Golf is like Urinating in a Public Restroom
(I guess this only applies to boys...)
10. Keep your back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart.
9. Form a loose grip.
8. Keep your head down.
7. Avoid a quick backswing.
6. Stay out of the water.
5. Try not to hit anybody.
4. If you are taking too long, you should let others go ahead of
you.
3. You shouldn't stand directly in front of others.
2. Be quiet while others are about to go.
1. Keep strokes to a minimum.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-06-2003, 01:36 PM:
Rated G ![[Cool]](cool.gif)
A man was showing his friend a new set of matched golf clubs he had just bought.
"Doctor's orders," the man told his friend." My wife and I have been gaining too much weight and we went to see the doctor about it.He said we needed more exercise,so I joined the country club and bought myself this set of golf clubs."
"What did you buy your wife?" the friend asked.
The man said, "A new matching bicycle and lawn mower."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-10-2003, 03:57 PM:
Rated G I did What?
After a particularly poor game of golf, a popular club member skipped the clubhouse and started to go home. As he was walking to the parking lot to get his car, a policeman stopped him and asked, "Did you tee off on the sixteenth hole about twenty minutes ago?"
"Yes," the golfer responded.
"Did you happen to hook your ball so that it went over the trees and off the course?"
"Yes, I did. How did you know?" he asked.
"Well," said the policeman very seriously, "Your ball flew out onto the highway and crashed through a driver's windshield. The car went out of control, crashing into five other cars and a fire truck. The fire truck couldn't make it to the fire, and the building burned down. So, what are you going to do about it?"
The golfer thought it over carefully and responded...
"I think I'll close my stance a little bit, tighten my grip and lower my right thumb."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-24-2003, 10:53 AM:
Rated G
When I played baseball in high school,I couldn't hit a curve
ball. Now that I play golf, I can't stop hitting them.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-28-2003, 05:36 AM:
Rated X
This guy unexpectedly got the day off and decided he would spend it on the golf course. After arriving at the club house, he was told that the only way he could play today was if he was willing to play along with three nuns.
He agreed and set off with the nuns in tow. At the first hole he said, after you, and the nuns insisted that he go first.
He took a giant swing and sliced it into a nearby bunker.
"Goddammit!" he said.
"Oh, my, please refrain from using that kind of language around us." said the nun.
"I'm so sorry, ma'am, it won't happen again."
The nun gets up to the tee and her ball travels about twenty yards, hits a tree, and bounces back behind them.
"Well shit, Goddamn, hell, fuck!" exclaims the nun.
"Hey, what did you tell me about that?" asks the man.
"Yeah, well, you didn't hit a fuckin' tree."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-28-2003, 05:38 AM:
Rated PG
It was a sunny Saturday morning on the course and I was beginning my pre-shot routine, visualizing my upcoming shot, when a voice came over the clubhouse loudspeaker. "Would the gentleman on the woman's tee back up to the men's tee please!!"
I was still deep in my routine, seemingly impervious to the interruption. Again the announcement, "Would the MAN on the WOMEN'S tee kindly back up to the men's tee."
I simply ignored the guy and kept concentrating, when once more, the man yelled: "Would the man on the woman's tee back up to the men's tee, PLEASE!"
I finally stopped, turned, looked through the clubhouse window directly at the person with the mike and shouted back, "Would the person in the clubhouse kindly shut the fuck up and let me play my second shot?"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-28-2003, 05:40 AM:
Rated PG
The woman golfer called her pro to say that she could not keep her lesson. The pro asked her why and she explained that she got stung by a bee while playing golf.
He asked her where and she said, "Between the first and second hole," and her pro said, "I guess that would make it hard on your stance."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-01-2003, 08:16 PM:
Rated G
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-01-2003, 08:18 PM:
Rated G
After church one Sunday, one of the parishioners walked up to the minister and said,
"Reverend, is it a sin to play golf on Sunday?"
"My son," said the reverend, putting his hand on the man's
shoulder,
"I've seen you play golf. It's a sin any day."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-25-2003, 12:58 PM:
Rated G
The husband reluctantly agreed to play in the couples alternate
shot tournament at his club.He teed off on the first hole, a
par four, and blistered a drive 300 yards down the middle of the
fairway.
Upon reaching the ball,the husband said to his wife "just hit it
toward the green,anywhere around there will be fine."
The wife proceeded to shank the ball deep into the woods.
Undaunted,the husband said "that's ok sweetheart" and spent the
full five minutes looking for the ball. he found it just in time,but in a horrible position.He played the shot of his life to get the ball within two feet of the hole.
He told his wife to knock the ball in.His wife then proceeded to knock the ball off the green and into a bunker. still maintaining composure,the husband summoned all of his skill and holed the shot from the bunker.He took the ball out of the hole and,while walking off the green,put his arm around his wife and calmly said,"honey, that was a bogey,and that's ok, but I think we can do better on the next hole." to which she replied,
"listen asshole, don't bitch at me,only 2 of those 5 shots were mine."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-05-2003, 06:51 AM:
Rated G
A one-wood golf club walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a beer but the bartender refuses to serve him.
"Why not?" asks the club.
"Because," the bartender replies, "you're the designated driver."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-08-2003, 03:17 PM:
Rated G Rosy
My dad was golfing with a friend and went to the restroom.
When he came out he sighed audibly and another golfer said to
him, "Feel better?"
"Yeah," said dad, "It's the only place on the whole course where nobody tells me to improve my stance or change my grip!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-08-2003, 03:46 PM:
Rated G
A vacationing golfer was out playing on a course that he had never played before. He hired a caddy from the pro shop to show him the layout of the course, and help him decide what shots to play.
On the first tee, the golfer mishit his shot,and it dribbled forward about 15 yards.He was slightly embarrassed, but determined to play a better second shot.He hit his second shot into the bordering fairway,and his third shot into a sand trap. By the time he holed out on this Par 4,he was 6 over par.
The man turned to his caddy and said, "Well, I have never played this badly before!"
To which the caddy replied,"I didn't realize you had played before, sir."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-10-2003, 06:11 AM:
Rated R
It was a sunny Saturday morning on the course and I was beginning my pre-shot routine, visualizing my upcoming shot, when a voice came over the clubhouse loudspeaker. "Would the gentleman on the woman's tee back up to the men's tee please!!"
I was still deep in my routine, seemingly impervious to the interruption. Again the announcement, "Would the MAN on the WOMEN'S tee kindly back up to the men's tee."
I simply ignored the guy and kept concentrating, when once more, the man yelled: "Would the man on the woman's tee back up to the men's tee, PLEASE!"
I finally stopped, turned, looked through the clubhouse window directly at the person with the mike and shouted back, "Would the person in the clubhouse kindly shut the fuck up and let me play my second shot?"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-10-2003, 11:35 AM:
Rated G
The Furthest Thing form my Mind
At breakfast the golfer's wife said,"Now just because the weather is pretty today,don't think you're going to sneak off and play golf all day."
"Now, honey,"he said,"don't get upset.Golf is the furthest
thing from my mind.
Would you please pass the toast and putter?"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-19-2003, 06:44 AM:
Rated PG
A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a couple of strokes.
"Boy, I'd give anything to sink this putt," the golfer mumbles to himself. Just then, a stranger walks up beside him and whispers,
"Would you be willing to give up one-fourth of your sex life?" Thinking that the man is crazy and his answer will be meaningless, the golfer also feels that maybe this is a good omen so he says, "Sure," and sinks the putt.
Two holes later, he mumbles to himself again, "Gee, I sure would like to get an eagle on this one." The same stranger is at his side again and whispers, "Would it be worth giving up another fourth of your sex life?"
Shrugging, the golfer replies, "Okay," and makes an eagle.
On the final hole, the golfer needs another eagle to win. Without waiting for him to say anything, the stranger quickly moves to his side and says,
"Would winning this match be worth giving up the rest of your sex life?" "Definitely," the golfer replies, and he makes the eagle.
As the golfer is walking to the club house, the stranger walks alongside him and says,
"I haven't really been fair with you because you don't know who I am. I'm the devil, and from this day forward you will have no sex life."
"Nice to meet you," the golfer replies, "I'm Father O'Malley."
[ 07-02-2003, 06:50 AM: Message edited by: Bob Maar ]
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 05-07-2003, 10:36 AM:
Rated G
For all you non-golfing ladies, a handy lil' tip.
If your hubby comes home with pine needles in hishair,don't ask him about his golf game that day.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 05-15-2003, 12:04 PM:
Rated G
How Golf is like Urinating in a Public Restroom
10. Keep your back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart.
9. Form a loose grip.
8. Keep your head down.
7. Avoid a quick backswing.
6. Stay out of the water.
5. Try not to hit anybody.
4. If you are taking too long, you should let others go ahead of you.
3. You shouldn't stand directly in front of others.
2. Be quiet while others are about to go.
1. Keep strokes to a minimum.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 05-19-2003, 06:57 AM:
Sue Bee
On their honeymoon, the new husband told his bride,"I have a confession to make that I should have made before,but I was concerned that it might affect our relationship.
"What is it?" his new bride asked lovingly.
"I'm a golf fanatic,"he said."I think about golf constantly.I'll
be out on the golf course every weekend,every holiday,and every chance I get.If it comes to a choice between your wishes and golf,golf will always win."
His new bride pondered this for a moment and said,"I thank you for your honesty.Now in the same spirit of honesty,I should tell you that I've concealed something about my own past that you should know about.The truth is,"I'm a hooker."
"No problem,"said her husband,"just widen your stance a bit and overlap your grip,and that should clear it right up."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-07-2003, 09:57 AM:
Rated G
A fellow goes into a golf shop in Scotland and sees a number of
unique head covers, the most unusual one being the head of a rat. He takes it to the shop owner and asks how much.
"Well, laddie," the old gent replies, "The clubhead cover'll be
$10 American, but for a thousand more you get to here the grand
story behind it."
"Here's the $10," the man replies. "I'll take the cover. You can
keep the story."
The next day, on the links of St. Andrews, the man is walking
down the Road Hole. Suddenly, several rats scurry out of the
sewers and start to follow him. He begins to run, but rats keep
appearing from everywhere-from the sewers and from the fairway
creek. He's almost exhausted and out of breath when he reaches
the cliffs overlooking the sea. Intuitively, he rips the head
cover from his driver and heaves it into the sea. The rats follow it into the water. Upon leaving the course, the man returns immediately to the little golf shop.
The old Scotsman sees him and with a sly smile says, "Aye,
laddie, and I'd be suspectin' that you came back for the story,
eh?"
"Well, actually," the man replies, "I was hoping you had a cover
shaped like an attorney."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-19-2003, 07:33 AM:
Rated G Sue Bee
Golf Balls
Two men were playing golf together for the very first time. The
first player teed off and hit the ball into a clump of trees. He
finally got onto the fairway, only to hit the ball into a water
hazard. The next shot resulted in a new ball flying over a fence
onto a busy street. The second player said, "Maybe you should use
an old ball for this shot."
The first player replied, "I don't have any old golf balls."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-24-2003, 12:21 PM:
Rated G Michele
A recent retiree was given a set of golf clubs by his co-workers.
Thinking he'd try the game,he asked the local pro for lessons,
explaining that he knew nothing whatever of the game.The pro
showed him the stance and swing,then said,"Just hit the ball
toward the flag on the first green."
The novice teed up and smacked the ball straight down the fairway and onto the green,where it stopped inches from the hole."Now what?" the fellow asked the speechless pro.
"Uh... you're supposed to hit the ball into the cup" the pro
finally said,once he was able to speak again.
"Oh great!", the beginner replied, "NOW you tell me!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-24-2003, 12:44 PM:
Rated PG Michele
The Italian had never played golf before and so he asked for some tips before starting the game. The American decided to teach the Italian the proper way to putt a golf ball.
The American said, "You take this stick and hit the balls so that they roll into the hole." The American putted away and sank the ball from 20 feet in a single stroke.
The Italian replied, "In America, you leave your sticka outta and a putta your balls in dahole, but in Italia, we put our sticka inna da hole and leave our balls out!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 07-01-2003, 08:51 PM:
Rated G
A couple whose passion had waned saw a marriage counselor and went through a number of appointments that brought little success.
Suddenly at one session the counselor grabbed the wife and kissed her passionately.
"There" he said to the husband, "That's what she needs every Monday, Wednesday, Saturday and Sunday".
"Well," replied the husband, "I can bring her in on Mondays and Wednesdays but Saturdays and Sundays are my golf days."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 07-01-2003, 08:53 PM:
Rated G
A man walked into the clubhouse and noticed a friend sitting in a corner wearing a neck brace.
He sat down and asked his mate what happened.
"Well, I was playing golf and I hit my ball into the rough," replied his friend. "Then I met a lady who was looking for her ball too.
Finding mine, I thought I'd give her a hand. There was a cow nearby and I noticed that every time the cow twitched its tail there was a flash of white.
So I went over to it and lifted its tail and sure enough there was the ball. I called out to the lady, 'Ma'am, does this look like yours?' And the bitch hit me in the neck with her driver!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 07-02-2003, 06:49 AM:
Rated G
A man was stranded on a desert island for 10 years.
One day a beautiful girl swims to shore in a wet suit.
Man: "Hi! Am I ever happy to see you."!
Girl: "Hi! It seems like you've been here a long time. How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"
Man: "It's been ten years!"
With this information the girl unzips a slot on the arm of her wet suit and gives the man cigarette.
Man: "Oh thank you so much!"
Girl: "So tell me how long its been since you had a drink?"
Man: "It's been ten years"
The girl unzips a little longer zipper on her wet suit and comes out with a flask of whiskey and gives the man a drink.
Man:"Oh..thank you so much. You are like a miracle"!
Finally the girl starts to unzip the front of her wet suit and asks the man leadingly, "So tell me then, how long has it been since you played around??"
The man looked at her and said excitedly: "Oh, my God, don't tell me you've got a set of golf clubs in there too??"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 07-02-2003, 08:41 AM:
Rated PG
A man and his friend meet at the club house and decide to play a round of golf together.
The man has a little dog with him and on the first green, when the man holes out a 20 foot putt,the little dog starts to yip and stands up on its hind legs.
The friend is quite amazed at this clever trick and says, "That dog is really talented! What does he do if you miss a putt?"
"Somersaults," says the man.
"Somersaults?!" says the friend, "That's incredible. How many does he do?"
"Hmmm," says the man. "That depends on how hard I kick him in the ass."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 07-03-2003, 08:45 AM:
Rated G
Once a terrible golfer hit his ball onto an ant hill. He tried to hit it off, but kept missing the ball and killing ants.
Finally,only two ants remained.
One ant turned to the others and said, "If we want to stay alive, we'd better get on the ball."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 07-24-2003, 09:28 AM:
Rated G
A young man who was also an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in nine holes before he had to head home. Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him.
To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time. Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball - and directly between his ball and the green.
After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old man finally said, "You know, when I was your age I'd hit the ball right over that tree."
With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay.
The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age that pine tree was only three feet tall."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 07-31-2003, 11:47 AM:
Rated G
The Old Golfer
An 80-year old guy goes to the doctor for a check-up.The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks,"How do you stay in such great physical condition?"
"I'm a golfer," says the old guy, "and that's why I'm in such good shape.I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways."
"Well," ways the doctor, "I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it.How old was your dad when he died?"
"Who said my dad's dead?"
The doctor is amazed. "You mean you're 80 years old and your dad'sstill alive? How old is he?"
"He's 100 yrs old," says the old golfer. "In fact, he golfed with me this morning, and that's why he's still alive...he's a golfer too."
"Well! ," the doctor says, "that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it than that. How about your dad's dad? How old was he when he died?"
"Who said my grandpa's dead?"
Stunned, doctor asks,"You mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's still living! Just how old is he anyway?"
"He's 118 years old," says the old golfer.
The doctor is getting frustrated at this point and says,"So, I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?"
"No...Grandpa couldn't go this morning because he just got married."
The doctor can hardly believe it. "Got married!! Why in the heck would a 118-year-old guy want to get married?"
"Who said he wanted to?"
[ 09-04-2003, 07:50 AM: Message edited by: Bob Maar ]
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 08-02-2003, 06:55 AM:
Rated G JJ on the left coast
A couple of old guys were golfing one day, when one of the men said that he was going to go to Dr. Basil for a new set of dentures in the morning.
His elderly friend remarked that he, too, had gone to the same dentist a few years before.
"Is that so?" the first old gentleman asked.
"Did he do a good job?
The second gent replied, "Well, I was on the golf course yesterday when the fellow on the ninth hole hooked a shot. The ball must have been going at least 200 mph when it smacked me right in the testicles."
The first old guy was confused and asked, "What does that have to do with your dentures?"
The second man answered, "That was the first time in two years that my teeth didn't hurt."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 08-04-2003, 10:21 AM:
Rated G
LADIES GOLF
A foursome of ladies came back after a round of golf.
At the 19th hole in the Clubhouse, the Pro asked them, 'How did your game go?'
The first said she had a good round with 25 riders.The second
said she did OK with 16 riders.The third said not too bad since
I had 10 riders.The fourth was disappointed and said she played
badly with only 2 riders.
The Pro was confounded by this term 'rider' but not wanting to show his ignorance just smiled and wished them better golf next time.He then approached Jerry the bartender and asked, "Jerry,
can you tell me what does this term 'riders' mean?"
Jerry smiled and explained that a 'rider' is when you have hit a shot long enough to take a ride on the golf cart!
Posted by Gordon Bachlund (Member # 124) on 08-04-2003, 05:33 PM:
A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated
golf course, became confused as to where he was on
the course. Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead
of him. He walked up to her, explained his confusion and
asked her if she knew what hole he was playing. "I'm on
the seventh hole," she replied, "and you are a hole
behind me. So, you must be on the
sixth hole."
He thanked her and went back to his golf.
On the back nine, the same thing happened and he
approached her again with the same request. "I'm on number
14, and you're still a hole behind, so you must be on the
thirteenth hole." Once again he thanked her and returned
to his play.
He finished his round and went to the clubhouse where he
saw the same lady sitting at the end of the bar. He asked
the bartender if he knew the lady. The bartender said that
she was a sales lady and played the course often.
He approached her and said, "Let me buy you a drink in
appreciation for your help. I understand that you're in the
sales profession. I'm in sales also. What do you sell?"
"I'll tell you, but you're going to laugh," she replied.
"No, I won't."
"Well, if you must know," she answered, "I work for
Tampax."
With that, he laughed so hard he almost fell off the bar
stool.
"See," she said. "I knew you'd laugh!"
"That's not what I'm laughing at," he replied, "I'm a salesman
for Preparation H, so I'm still a hole behind you."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 08-06-2003, 11:50 AM:
Rated G
Near the end of a particularly trying round of golf, during which the golfer had hit numerous fat shots, he said in frustration to his caddy,"I'd move heaven and earth to break a hundred on this course."
"Try heaven," said the caddy. "You've already moved most of the
earth."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 08-26-2003, 06:57 AM:
Rated G B.B.
A husband and wife were out playing golf.They tee off and one drive goes to the right and one drive goes to the left.
The wife finds her ball in a patch of buttercups.She grabs a club and takes a mighty swing at the ball.She hits a beautiful second shot,but in the process she hacks the hell out of the buttercups.
Suddenly a woman appears out of nowhere.She blocks her path to her golf bag and looks at her and says,"I'm Mother Nature,and I don't like the way you treated my buttercups.From now on,you won't be able to stand the taste of butter.Each time you eat butter you will become physically ill to the point of total nausea."
The mystery woman then disappears as quickly as she appeared. Shaken,the wife calls out to her husband "Hey,where's your ball?"
"It's over here in the pussy willows."
The wife screams back,"DON'T HIT THE BALL!!!! DON'T HIT THE BALL!!!!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 09-03-2003, 02:45 PM:
Rated G Sue Bee
FEMALE GOLFING TERMS
CADDY
--2 women talking about a 3rd who isn't there to defend herself.
CHIPPING
-- Time to get our nails done again.
DOUBLE BOGIE
-- "Casablanca" followed by "African Queen."
FAIRWAY
-- Splitting the bill when the girls go to lunch.
GOOD LIE
-- Weight on our driver's license.
GREENS
-- Lunch we eat when we'd really love a cheeseburger.
HOLE-IN-ONE
-- Time to get new pantyhose.
IRON
-- What guys need to learn to do their own shirts.
ROUGH
-- Getting a guy to understand, well, pretty much anything.
SHAFT
-- You watch the kids while he gets to go golfing.
SLICE
-- "No thanks. . .just a sliver."
TEES
-- Putting on that Victoria Secret Negligee.
WATER HAZARD
-- Giving the kids too much to drink before a road trip.
WEDGE
-- Bathing suit that's too tight.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 09-04-2003, 07:48 AM:
Rated G Frank
A priest, scientist, an astronaut and a plumber were playing golf one day.
To kill the time they started a conversation on natural occurrences. They chose to debate about wind.
The scientist said that winds were the result of thermal convection.
The astronaut said that they were made by the planet's rotation.
The priest said that storms were God's way of cleansing the earth.
The plumber said that he only knew that the wind always blew when he played golf.
They played through 17 holes, arguing furiously. Just as they teed up at the 18th, everything became calm. Amazingly, a giant hand came down through the clouds just inches above their heads.
The astronaut and the scientist didn't see it because they didn't believe in the supernatural.
The priest knelt down and prayed in fear.
Only the plumber stood up.
Suddenly a voice boomed down,"If you want the answer,pull my finger!" The plumber did, and a mighty wind blew.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 09-04-2003, 07:54 AM:
Rated R Michele
A golfer set up his ball on the first tee, took a mighty swing and hit his ball into a clump of trees. He found his ball,and saw an opening between two trees he thought he could hit through. Taking out his 3-wood, he took another mighty swing; the ball hit a tree, bounced back, hit him in the forehead and killed him.
As he approached the gates of Heaven, St. Peter saw him coming and asked, "Are you a good golfer?"
The man replied, "Got here in two, didn't I?"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 09-07-2003, 06:17 PM:
Rated G Lorraine
A man is having a really bad day on the golf course.By the 14th
hole,he's missed one putt too many, and he lets loose with a
string of profanities,grabs his putter,and storms off toward the lake by the 15th tee.
"Uh-oh," says his caddie to one of his playing partners,"There goes that club."
"You think so?" said the other golfer."I've got five bucks says he misses the water."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 09-10-2003, 07:55 AM:
Rated G JJon the Left Coast
Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods are in a bar.
Woods turns to Wonder and says, "How's the singing career going?"
Stevie Wonder replies, "Not too bad. How's the golf?"
Woods replies, "Not too bad, I've had some problems with my swing, but I think I've got that going right now."
Stevie says, "I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right."
Tiger says, "You play golf?"
Wonder says, "Oh, yes, I've been playing for years."
Woods says, "But you're blind! How can you play golf if you can't see?"
Wonder replies, "I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball toward him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball toward his voice."
"But how do you putt?" asks Woods.
"Well," says Stevie, "I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground, and I just play the ball toward his voice."
Woods asks, "What's your handicap?"
Stevie says, "Well, I'm a scratch golfer."
Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie, "We've got to play a round sometime."
Wonder replies, "Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole."
Woods thinks about it and says, "OK, I'm game for that, when would you like to play?"
Stevie says, "Pick a night."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 09-17-2003, 05:52 PM:
Rated G
James addressed the ball and took a magnificent swing but somehow,something went wrong and a horrible slice resulted. The ball went onto the adjoining fairway and hit a man full force.He dropped! James and his partner ran up to the stricken victim who lay,quite unconscious,with the ball between his feet.
"Good heavens," exclaimed James,"what shall I do?"
"Don't move him!" cautioned his partner."If we leave him here he becomes an immovable obstruction and you can either play the ball as it lies or drop it two club lengths away."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 09-19-2003, 12:11 PM:
Rated G Michele
A distinguished clergyman and a friend were playing golfIt was a very close match,and at the last hole the clergyman teed up, addressed the ball,and swung his driver with great force.The ball,instead of sailing down the fairway,merely rolled off the tee and settled slowly some twelve feet away.
The clergyman frowned,glared,and bit his lip,but said nothing. His opponent regarded him for a moment,and then remarked: "Father,that is the most profane silence I have ever witnessed."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 09-25-2003, 06:59 AM:
Rated G Michele
A panic-stricken golfer charged into the clubhouse,grabbed the
pro by the arm and said,"You gotta help! I was on the 9th hole
and I hit a terrible slice.The ball sailed right off the course
and hit a guy riding a motorcycle.He lost control and swerved
into the path of a truck.The truck tried to stop but jack knifed,rolled over and broke apart.It was carrying thousands of bee hives and now the angry bees are attacking everyone in sight.
It's awful! It's a disaster! What should I do?"
And the pro answered, "Well, the first thing is you've got to keep your arms straight and remember to get your right hand a bit more under the club..."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-20-2003, 01:29 PM:
Rated G
Golf One-Liners
When I die, bury me on our local golf course so my husband will
come and visit.
I won't say my golf game is bad, but if I grew tomatoes, they'd
come up sliced.
"Golf is played by 20 million American men whose wives think they are out having fun." (Jim Bishop)
"It took me 17 years to get 3,000 hits in baseball. I did it in
one afternoon on the golf course." (Henry Aaron)
"Have you ever noticed what word 'golf' makes spelled backwards?" (Al Boliska)
May your ball lie in green pastures and not still waters.
"The difference between golf and government is that in golf, you
can't improve your lie." (George Deukmejian)
Golf was invented by the same people who think that music comes
out of a bagpipe.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-21-2003, 11:25 AM:
Rated X or G Depends on Your Point of View LAS CT
TOP TEN THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY, BUT IN GOLF AREN'T:
10.Damn, my shaft is bent.
9. After 18 holes, I can barely walk
8. You really whacked the hell out of that sucker.
7. Look at the size of his putter.
6. Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more.
5. Mind if I join your threesome?
4. Stand with your back turned and drop it.
3. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip.
2. Nice stroke, but your follow-through leaves a lot to be desired.
And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty but in golf isn't:
1. Hold up! I need to wash my balls first.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-22-2003, 01:44 PM:
Rated G
Michele
Over a round of golf, two doctors were talking shop.
"I operated on Mr. Lee the other day," said the surgeon.
"What for?" asked his colleague.
"About $17,000."
"What did he have?"
"Oh... About $17,000."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-29-2003, 01:24 PM:
Rated G Michele
A man enters the pro shop and, scanning like a HP Laser-Jet, looks around frowning.
Finally the pro asks him what he wants.
"I can't find any green golf balls," he replies.
The pro looks all over the shop, through all the catalogs, and
finally calls the manufacturers. Sure enough, he determines that
there are no green golf balls.
As the man walks out the door in disgust, the pro asks
him, "Before you go, could you tell me why you want green golf
balls?"
"Well, obviously! Because they'd be so much easier to find in the sand traps!!"
Posted by Gordon Bachlund (Member # 124) on 11-07-2003, 02:37 PM:
A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch.
Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor. He said "How bad is it doc?.....I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiancée is still a virgin - in every way."
The doctor told him, "I'll have to put your willie in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week.” He took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4 sided splint, and taped it all together; ...an impressive work of art.
The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries her, and goes on their honeymoon.
That night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal her beautiful breasts. This was the first time he had seen them. She said, "You're the first; no one has EVER touched these."
He immediately drops his pants and replies,......"Look at this, ....still in the CRATE!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-11-2003, 08:02 AM:
Rated G Michele
Life is like a game of golf: you drive hard to get to the green
and then you end up in a hole.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-14-2003, 02:25 AM:
Rated G Denny in Yonkers
Tiger Woods in Ireland
On a golf tour in Ireland,, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a gas station in a remote part of the Irish countryside.
The pump attendant, obviously who knows nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is "Top of the morning to you yer sir" says the attendant.
Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends over to pick up the nozzle.As he does so,two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.
"What are those son?" asks the attendant.
"They're called tees" replies Tiger.
"Well,what on the good earth are they for?" inquires the Irishman.
"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving" says Tiger.
"Feckin Jaysus," says the Irish man, "BMW thinks of everything!!"
[ 12-05-2003, 10:28 AM: Message edited by: Bob Maar ]
Posted by Gordon Bachlund (Member # 124) on 11-14-2003, 03:15 PM:
A young woman dressed in shorts had been taking golf lessons. She had
just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting.
Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for
help and to complain.
Her golf pro saw her come into the clubhouse and asked, "Why are you
back in so early? What's wrong?"
"I was stung by a bee," she said.
"Where," he asked.
"Between the first and second hole," she replied.
He nodded knowingly and said, "Then your stance is too wide."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-05-2003, 10:30 AM:
Rated PG Michele
Golf 'quickies'
*Look at the size of his putter.
*Oh, dang, my shaft's all bent.
*You really wacked the hell out of that sucker.
*After 18 holes I can barely walk.
*My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip.
*Lift your head and spread your legs.
*You have a nice stroke, but your follow through leaves a lot to be desired.
*Just turn your back and drop it.
*Hold up. I've got to wash my balls.
*Damn, I missed the hole again.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-17-2003, 09:28 AM:
Rated G Michele
Felix,my husband,was playing golf with our town's fire chief
when he hit a ball into the rough.As Felix headed for the brush
to find his ball,the chief warned him,"Be careful,the
rattlesnakes are out."
The chief explained that calls had been coming in all week
requesting assistance with removing the snakes.
"You've got to be kidding," Felix replied in astonishment.
"People actually call the fire department to help them with rattlesnakes?
What do you say to them?"
"Well," said the chief,"the first thing I ask is,'Is it on
fire?'"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-24-2003, 07:46 AM:
Rated G Michele
A country club didn't allow women on the golf course. Eventually,there was enough pressure that they decided to allow women on the course during the week.The ladies were satisfied with this arrangement,formed a women's club and became very active.
After about 6 months, the club board received a letter from the
women's club complaining about the men, urinating on the golf
course. Naturally, they just ignored the matter.
After another 6 months, they received another letter reminding
them of the previous letter and demanding action.
After due deliberation they sent the women a letter advising them that they had been granted equal privileges!
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-05-2004, 11:43 AM:
Rated G Michele
A hack golfer spends a day at a plush country club,playing golf & enjoying the luxury of a complimentary caddy.
Being a hack golfer,he plays poorly all day.Round about the 18th hole, he spots a lake off to the left of the fairway.He looks at the caddy and says,"I've played so poorly all day, I think I'm going to go drown myself in that lake."
The caddy looks back at him and says, "I don't think you could
keep your head down that long."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-07-2004, 09:01 AM:
Rated PG
Three members of a golf club were arguing loudly while the fourth member of their group lay dead in a bunker. A club official was called to calm the row.
"What's the trouble here?" he asked.
One golfer replies with anger, "My partner has had a stroke, and
these two jerks want to add it to my score."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-08-2004, 08:39 PM:
Rated G Love of Golf
I think that I shall never see
a hazard rougher than an tree;
A tree o'er which my ball must fly
if on the green it is to lie;
A tree which stands that green to guard,
and makes the shot extremely hard;
A tree whose leafy arms extend
to kill the six iron shot I send;
A tree that stands in silence there,
while angry golfers rave and swear.
Irons were made for fools like me
who cannot ever miss a tree.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-09-2004, 09:12 AM:
Rated G B.B.
A priest rushed from church one day to keep a golf date. He was
halfway down the first fairway, waiting to hit his second shot,
when he heard the familiar "FORE!" and a ball slammed into his
back.
Soon the golfer who had made the drive was on the scene to offer
his apologies.When the priest assured him that he was all right, the man smiled.
"Thank goodness, Father!" he exclaimed. "I've been playing this
game for forty years, and now I can finally tell my friends that I've hit my first holy one!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-09-2004, 09:15 AM:
Rated G Michele
Robinson Crusoe style, the shipwrecked golfer made the best of his tiny island.When a cruise liner spotted his distress signals and sent a boat to investigate,the landing party was amazed to find a crude but recognizable nine-hole course which the castaway had played with driftwood woods,whalebone and coral putter and balls carved out of pumice stone.
"Quite a layout," said the officer in charge of the rescuers.
"You're too kind, it's very rough and ready," the goatskin clad
golfer responded. Then he smiled slyly: "I am however, quite proud of the water hazard."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-09-2004, 09:31 AM:
Rated G Janine
A little boy watched with interest the efforts of a golfer in the bunker trying to get himself out.
At last, the ball rose in a cloud of sand,then dropped on the green and rolled into the hole.
"Gosh" said the boy, "he'll have a tough time getting out of that one."
[ 01-16-2004, 06:52 PM: Message edited by: Bob Maar ]
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-16-2004, 06:54 PM:
Rated G
After a particularly poor game of golf, a popular club member skipped the clubhouse and started to go home.As he was walking to the parking lot to get his car,a policeman stopped him and asked,"Did you tee off on the sixteenth hole about twenty minutes ago?"
"Yes," the golfer responded.
"Did you happen to hook your ball so that it went over the trees and off the course?"
"Yes, I did.How did you know?" he asked.
"Well," said the policeman very seriously,"Your ball flew out onto the highway and crashed through a driver's windshield.The car went out of control,crashing into five other cars and a fire truck.The fire truck couldn't make it to the fire,and the building burned down.So,what are you going to do about it?"
The golfer thought it over carefully and responded... "I think I'll close my stance a little bit,tighten my grip and lower my right thumb."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-23-2004, 05:40 AM:
Rated G
Dave had tried to be particularly careful about his language as he
played golf with his preacher. But on the twelfth hole, when he
twice failed to hit out of a sand trap, he lost his resolve and
let fly with a string of expletives.
The preacher felt obliged to respond. "I have observed," said he
in a calm voice, "that the best golfers do not use foul language."
"I guess not," said Dave, "what the hell do they have to cuss
about?"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-05-2004, 03:31 PM:
Rated G Michele
Danny said to his son, "It's time we had a little talk my son.
Soon you will have urges and feelings you've never had before. Yourheart will pound and your hands will sweat. You'll be preoccupied and won't be able to think of anything else."
"But don't worry, it's perfectly normal... it's called golf."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-10-2004, 09:28 AM:
Rated G Alex
I was once in a foursome with my Minister.I'm afraid I forgot
myself and let loose with some profanity after missing an easy
shot.
He said, "I've played golf with some of the finest men in our congregation. Last week,Mr. Nicholas went for six under
par on this very course.I didn't hear one word of profanity
from him."
Still upset, I replied, "Well Pastor, what the hell did he have
to cuss about?"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-10-2004, 02:41 PM:
Rated G
Eddie came to work Monday and his co-workers asked him how his
weekend was. He said he played a little golf. So his co-worker
asked him how well he did.
"I hit two of my best balls," he said.
"Tell me about it," said his co-worker.
"I stepped on a rake."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-10-2004, 02:44 PM:
Rated G
On their 50th wedding anniversary and during the banquet
celebrating it, Tom was asked to give his friends a brief account of the benefits of a marriage of such long duration.
"Tell us Tom, just what is it you have learned from all those
wonderful years with your wife?"
Tom responds,"Well,I've learned that marriage is the best
teacher of all.It teaches you loyalty,meekness,forbearance,
self-restraint,forgiveness -- and a great many other qualities
you wouldn't have needed if you'd stayed single."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-11-2004, 12:51 PM:
Rated PG Michele
A man and his wife were having an argument in bed. He finally
jumped up and took a blanket to the couch.
The next day the wife feeling bad about what happened decided to
buy her husband a gift, and since he was an avid golfer she went
to the pro shop where he usually played golf. She talked with the pro and he suggested a putter and he showed her one of his finest.
"How much is it?" she asked.
"One hundred and fifty dollars," he replied. She felt that was
kind of expensive and told him so. "But it comes with an
inscription," he said.
"What kind of inscription?" she asked.
"Whatever you wish," he explained, "but one of the old golfers
favorites is, NEVER UP, NEVER IN.'"
"OH, that will never do!" exclaimed the wife. "That's what started the argument in the first place!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-10-2004, 02:00 PM:
Rated G
A murder has been committed.
Police are called to an apartment and find a man standing, holding a 5-iron in his hands,looking at the lifeless body of a woman on the ground.
The detective asks, "Sir, is that your wife?"
"Yes."
"Did you hit her with that golf club?"
"Yes. Yes, I did," the man answers. He stifles a sob, drops the club and puts his hands on his head.
"How many times did you hit her?"
"I don't know. Five . . .six . . .put me down for a five."
Posted by Steven Privett (Member # 718) on 05-20-2004, 05:11 AM:
Rated R
One morning a man is golfing when he meets a woman on the course. He finds her attractive, and he asks her if she’d like to play with him. So they play a round, and she wins by five strokes. Sensing the guy’s embarrassment, the woman offers to accompany him to the parking lot and give him a blow job in her car to make him feel better. For the rest of the week, they play together every morning. The woman wins by five or six strokes each time, then gives the guy a blow job in the parking lot. That weekend he invites her to his house for a romantic dinner. She arrives and blurts out, “I must confess something to you. I’m a transvestite. I’m really a man.” “You son of a bitch!” the guy replies. “You’ve been hitting off the women’s tee all week!”
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-02-2004, 10:59 AM:
Rated G
Harry teed up, addressed his ball and took a magnificent swing, but something went wrong and he hit a wicked slice. The ball left the fairway he was playing, and went onto the adjoining one where it hit a man full in the face. He dropped like a rock!
Rushing over to the man, Harry and his partner found him unconscious, and with the ball lying between his feet.
"Oh my God!," exclaimed Harry, "what should we do?"
"I'm not sure." said his partner. "But don't move him! If we just leave him here he's an immovable obstruction and you can either play the ball from where it lies, or drop it two club lengths away without penalty."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-04-2004, 03:01 PM:
Rated G Michele
O'Brien kept nudging Cohen to let him play at his Jewish Country Club. Cohen told him that only Jews could play golf there. He drove him crazy for months and he finally gave in but warned him that if anyone asked, his name was Goldberg. If asked what his occupation was, he was a manufacturer. O'Brien asked what kind of a manufacturer should he be and he told him to say that he made tallises (talleism=prayer shawls).
Sure enough, they play 18 holes, go to the steam room and he's approached by one of the members. He said that he hadn't seen him at the club before and asked his name.
He replied,"My name is Goldberg."
"What do you do for a living, Mr. Goldberg?"
He replies, "I'm a manufacturer."
"What do you manufacture?"
"I make tallises."
"You know, I always wanted to know what the Hebrew letters around the neck of the tallis meant. Can you tell me?"
O'Brien replied, "To tell the truth... I only make the sleeves."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-05-2004, 01:28 PM:
Rated G
WORLD'S BEST GAME:
Ever wonder why golf is growing in popularity and people who don't even play go to tournaments or watch it on TV? These truisms may shed light on reasons why:
1. Golf is an honorable game, with the overwhelming majority of players being honorable people who don't need referees.
2. Golfers don't have some of their players in jail every week.
3. Golfers don't scratch their privates on the golf course.
4. Golfers don't kick dirt on, or throw bottles at, other people.
5. Professional golfers are compensated in direct proportion to how well they play.
6. Golfers don't get per diem and two seats on a charter flight when they travel between tournaments.
7. Golfers don't hold out for more money, or demand new contracts, because of another player's deal.
8. Professional golfers don't demand that the taxpayers pay for the courses on which they play.
9. When golfers make a mistake, nobody is there to cover for them or back them up The PGA Tour raises more money for charity in one year than the National Football League does in two.
10. You can watch the best golfers in the world up close, at any tournament, including the majors, all day, every day for $25 or $30. The cost for a seat in the nosebleed section at the Super Bowl will cost around $300 or more.
11. You can bring a picnic lunch to the tournament golf course, watch the best in the world and not spend a small fortune on food and drink. Try that at one of the taxpayer funded baseball or football stadiums.
12. In golf you cannot fail 70% of the time and make $9 million a season, like the best baseball hitters (. 300 batting average) do.
13. Golf doesn't change its rules to attract Fans.
14. Golfers have to adapt to an entirely new playing area each week.
15. Golfers keep their clothes on while they are being interviewed.
16. Golf doesn't have free agency.
17. In their prime, Greg Norman, Arnold Palmer and other stars, would shake your hand and say they were happy to meet you. In his prime Jose Canseco wore T-shirts that read "Leave Me Alone."
18. You can hear birds chirping on the golf course during a tournament.
19. Ladies are welcome players.
20. At a golf tournament, (unlike at taxpayer-funded sports stadiums and arenas) you won't hear a steady stream of four letter words and nasty name calling while you're hoping that no one spills beer on you.
21. Tiger Woods can hit a golf ball three times as far as Barry Bonds can hit a baseball.
22. Golf Courses don't ruin the neighborhood.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-23-2004, 08:45 AM:
Rated G Michele
My daughter's boyfriend was going to teach her to play golf and figured that the best place to start was the driving range.
Upon arrival my daughter sees a sign that says the golf balls rent by the bucket..large $4.50, medium $3.00 and small $1.50.
She turned to her boyfriend and said "How can you tell the large balls from the small balls, they all look the same size to me".
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-09-2004, 02:17 PM:
Rated G
Two men are talking at work Monday morning. "What did you do this weekend?"
"Dropped hooks into water."
"Fishing, eh?"
"No, golfing."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-21-2005, 10:49 AM:
Rated G
The Gospel according to St. Titleist
May thy ball lie in green pastures ~ and not in still waters. ~ Author Unknown
The only time my prayers are never answered is on the golf course. ~ Billy Graham
Golf appeals to the idiot and the child in us. Just how childlike golfers become is proven by their frequent inability to count past five. ~John Updike
It is almost impossible to remember how tragic a place the world is when one is playing golf. ~ Robert Lynd
If profanity had an influence on the flight of the ball, the game of golf would be played far better than it is. ~ Horace G. Hutchinson
They say golf is like life, but don't believe them. Golf is more complicated than that. ~ Gardner Dickinson
If a lot of people gripped a knife and fork the way they do a golf club, they'd starve to death. ~ Sam Snead
Golf is a day spent in a round of strenuous idleness. ~ William Wordsworth
If you drink, don't drive ~ Don't even putt. ~ Dean Martin
If you are going to throw a club, it is important to throw it ahead of you, down the fairway, so you don't have to waste energy going back to pick it up. ~ Tommy Bolt
Man blames fate for other accidents, but feels personally responsible when he makes a hole in one. ~ Author Unknown
I don't say my golf game is bad, but if I grew tomatoes they'd come up sliced. ~ Bob Hope
My handicap? Woods and irons. ~ Chris Codiroli
The ardent golfer would play Mount Everest if somebody would put a flag stick on top. ~ Pete Dye
I'm hitting the woods just great ~ but having a terrible time getting out of them! ~ Author Unknown
If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball. ~ Jack Lemmon
It's good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling. ~ Mark Twain
Don't play too much golf. Two rounds a day are plenty. ~ Harry Vardon
Golf and sex are the only things you can enjoy without being good at them. ~ Jimmy DeMaret
The difference in golf and government is that in golf you can't improve your lie. ~ George Deukmejian
Golf is a game invented by the same people who think music comes out of a bagpipe. ~ Author Unknown
If I hit it right, it's a slice. If I hit it left, it's a hook! If I hit it straight, it's a miracle. ~ Author Unknown
AMEN
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-21-2005, 10:54 AM:
Rated G
A nurse noticed a man in golf attire pacing up and down outside the operating room where another golfer who had a golf ball driven down his throat, was being treated.
"Is he a relative of yours?" the nurse, stepping outside the room, asked the pacing golfer.
"No.... "It's my ball."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-24-2005, 01:05 PM:
Rated PG Uncle Bubba
Police are called to an apartment and find a woman holding a bloody 5-iron standing over a lifeless man. The detective asks, "Ma'am, is that your husband?"
"Yes" says the woman.
"Did you hit him with that golf club?"
"Yes, yes, I did." The woman begins to sob, drops the club, and puts her hands on her face.
"How many times did you hit him?"
"I don't know, five, six, maybe seven times.....just put me down for a five."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-01-2005, 01:34 PM:
Rated G
A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity, looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed... driving his partner nuts.
Finally his exasperated partner says, "What the hell is taking so long? Hit the damned ball!"
The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot."
"Give me a break! You don't stand a snowball's chance in hell of hitting her from here."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-21-2005, 10:56 AM:
Rated PG Sully in CT
Taking a break from the golf course, Tiger Woods drives his new Mercedes into an Irish gas station. An attendant greets him in typical Irish manner,unaware who the golf pro is... "Top o' the mornin to ya".
As Tiger gets out of the car, two tees fall out of his pocket.
"So what are those things, laddie?" asks the attendant.
"They're called tees," replies Tiger. "And what would ya be usin 'em for, now?" inquires the Irishman.
"Well they're for resting my balls on when I drive,"replies Tiger.
"Aw, Jaysus, Mary an' Joseph!" exclaimes the Irish attendant.
"Those fellas at Mercedes think of everything...
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 05-13-2005, 12:26 PM:
Rated G Ed in Aurora, Ont. Ca.
For the four executives,the highpoint of the annual stockholders meeting was their Sunday afternoon golf game.
They had just teed off on the twelfeth hole when an assistant golf pro came tearing across the green, red-faced and out of breath.
"Mr. Webster, Mr. Webster," he gasped, "I have terrible news. Your wife has just been killed in a car accident."
Webster turned to his companions and said, "Guys I got to warn you. Six more holes and you're going to see a man crying his eyes out."
Posted by Gordon Bachlund (Member # 124) on 06-23-2005, 05:48 PM:
Rated PG...
Towards the end of his golf course, Dave hit his ball into the woods and found it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups. Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch.
All of a sudden.....POOF!! In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared. She said, "I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups? Just for doing what you have done, you won't have any butter for your popcorn for the rest of your life. Better still, you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life. As a matter of fact, you'll never have any butter for anything the rest of your life!!!!!” Then POOF!......she was gone!
After Dave recovered from the shock, he hollered for his friend, "Fred, where are you?"
Fred yells back, "I'm over here in the pussy willows."
Dave shouts back, "DON'T SWING, Fred; FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DON'T SWING!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-23-2005, 06:16 PM:
Rated G
"On a recent survey, 80 per cent of golfers admitted cheating. The other 20 percent lied."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-25-2005, 06:30 AM:
Rated G
A Malaysian man looking for his golf ball just off the fairway was attacked by a crocodile, but managed to save himself by hammering at the creature repeatedly with his one iron. The incident has left golfers around the world stunned.
For most, it's the first time they've heard of that particular club being used with any success.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-25-2005, 04:52 PM:
Rated G Quirk
"Golf is played by twenty million mature American men whose wives think they are out having fun."
~~Jim Bishop~~
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-27-2005, 10:36 AM:
Rated G Michele
I've been reading a new book, if any of you would like to borrow it just let me know. It's called the "Useful Golf Book". It contains some really good articles such as:
* How to Line Up Your Fourth Putt
* How to hit a Nike from the rough when you hit a Titleist from the tee
* How to avoid the water when you lie 8 in the bunker
* How to get more distance off the shank
* Proper etiquette when you are playing with a complete jerk
* Crying and how to handle it
* How to rationalize a 7-hour round
* How to find that ball that everyone else saw go in the water
* Why your spouse no longer cares that you birdied the 4th
* How to let a foursome play through your twosome without getting embarrassed
* How to relax when you're hitting five off the tee
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 07-08-2005, 08:23 PM:
Rated G
"Mildred, shut up" cried the golfer at his nagging wife, "Shut up or you'll drive me out of my mind."
"That," said Mildred, "wouldn't be a drive, it would be a short putt."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 08-08-2005, 08:32 AM:
Rated G Gerry
"Golf is a game in which you yell "fore" shoot six and write down five."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 08-17-2005, 12:49 PM:
Rated PG
Four men were out golfing and discussing how each convinced their wife to let them play golf every morning.
1st guy: I had to buy my wife a BMW to let me play golf daily.
2nd guy: You got off cheap! I had to buy my wife a BMW and a mink coat.
3rd guy: You both got off dirt cheap! I had to buy my wife the BMW, mink coat and a diamond necklace.
4th guy: Ha! I didn't have to buy my wife a single thing! Every morning when I wake up,I lean over in bed, nudge my wife and ask,"Intercourse or golf course?"
She instantly replies,"Don't forget to take your sweater."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 09-17-2005, 02:50 PM:
Rated G
Told to me by my wife, and to her by a colleague.
Two men are talking at work Monday morning.
"What did you do this weekend?"
"Dropped hooks into water."
"Fishing, eh?"
"No, golfing."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-07-2005, 08:20 AM:
Rated G
Gospel according to St Titleist.
May thy ball lie in green pastures -- and not in still waters. ~ Author Unknown
The only time my prayers are never answered is on the golf course. ~Billy Graham
Golf appeals to the idiot and the child in us. Just how childlike golfers become is proven by their frequent inability to count past five. ~John Updike
It is almost impossible to remember how tragic a place the world is when one is playing golf. ~Robert Lynd
If profanity had an influence on the flight of the ball, the game of golf would be played far better than it is. ~Horace G. Hutchinson
They say golf is like life, but don't believe them. Golf is more complicated than that. ~Gardner Dickinson
If a lot of people gripped a knife and fork the way they do a golf club, they'd starve to death. ~Sam Snead
Golf is a day spent in a round of strenuous idleness. ~William Wordsworth
If you drink, don't drive. Don't even putt.~Dean Martin
If you are going to throw a club, it is important to throw it ahead of you, down the fairway, so you don't have to waste energy going back to pick it up. ~Tommy Bolt
Man blames fate for other accidents, but feels personally responsible when he makes a hole in one. ~Author Unknown
I don't say my golf game is bad, but if I grew tomatoes they'd come up sliced. ~Author Unknown
My handicap? Woods and irons. ~Chris Codiroli
The ardent golfer would play Mount Everest if somebody would put a flagstick on top. ~Pete Dye
I'm hitting the woods just great -- but having a terrible time getting out of them! ~Author Unknown
If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball. ~Jack Lemmon
It's good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling. ~Mark Twain
Don't play too much golf. Two rounds a day are plenty. ~Harry Vardon
Golf and sex are the only things you can enjoy without being good at them. ~Jimmy DeMaret
The difference in golf and government is that in golf you can't improve your lie. ~George Deukmejian
Golf is a game invented by the same people who think music comes out of a bagpipe. ~Author Unknown
If I hit it right, it's a slice. If I hit it left, it's a hook. If I hit it straight, it's a fuckin' miracle. ~Author Unknown
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-08-2005, 09:49 AM:
Rated G Bruce
Here's a little slice of golf history that you might enjoy:
Why do golf courses have 18 holes -- not 20, or 10, or an even dozen?
During a discussion among the club's membership board at St. Andrews in 1858, a senior member pointed out that it takes exactly 18 shots to polish off a fifth of Scotch.
By limiting himself to only one shot of Scotch per hole, the Scot figured a round of golf was finished when the Scotch ran out!
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-15-2005, 01:51 PM:
Rated G Quirk
My firend Tom said he stopped watching golf on TV. His doctor recommended that he get more exercise.
So now he watches tennis.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-31-2005, 09:52 AM:
Rated G
A golfer stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity. Looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed. It was driving his partner nuts! Finally, his exasperated partner says, "What's taking so long? Hit the blasted ball!"
The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot."
"Forget it, man, you'll never hit her from here!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-03-2005, 12:45 PM:
Rated G
A golfer is playing a round of golf with his buddies. On the sixth hole, a hole over water, he proceeds to flub nine balls into the water.
Frustrated over his poor golfing ability, and about ready to hit somebody, he heaves his golf clubs into the water, and begins to walk off the course.
Then all of a sudden he turns around and jumps back in the lake, his buddies apparently thinking he is going to retrieve his clubs.
When he comes out of the water he doesn't have his clubs and begins to walk off the course.
Then one of his buddies asks, "Why did you jump into the lake?"
He responds, "I left my car keys in the bag."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-06-2005, 01:50 PM:
Rated G
Beverly had decided that she would learn to play golf, so she signed up for and took lessons. After six months of diligent effort she was ready to play eighteen holes with three of her friends.
Out on the course she was stung by a bee. Fearing an allergic reaction she hurried back to the clubhouse to find the pro.
I've been stung by a bee! What shall I do?
Where were you stung?
Between the first and second hole!
Beverly, we need to work on your stance...
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-15-2005, 11:39 AM:
Rated G Quirk
Q: What can be driven but has no wheels, and can be sliced but still remains whole?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
A: A golf ball.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-15-2005, 11:47 AM:
Rated G
Women's Golfing Terms
Double Bogey 'Casablanca' followed by 'African Queen.'
Iron What guys need to learn to do their own shirts.
Good Lie Weight on their driver's license.
Greens Lunch we eat when we'd rather have a cheeseburger.
Hole-In-One Time to get new pantyhose.
Fairway Splitting the bill when the girls go to lunch.
Shaft You watch the kids while he gets to go golfing.
Slice 'No thanks. Just a sliver.'
Water Hazard 1Giving the kids too much to drink before a road trip.
Chipping Time to get our nails done again.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-17-2005, 12:28 PM:
Rated G
When they first manufactured golf balls, they made the covers smooth. Then it was discovered that after a ball had been roughed up one could get more distance out of it.
So they started manufacturing them with dimpled covers. So it is with life; it takes some rough spots in your life to make you go your farthest.
~~Unknown
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-18-2005, 10:49 AM:
Rated G
A young man, who was also an avid golfer, found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured that if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in 9 holes before he had to head home.
Just as he was about to tee off, an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old man to join him.
To his surprise, the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time. Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot.
There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball and directly between his ball and the green. After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot, the old man finally said, "You know, when I was your age, I'd hit the ball right over that tree."
With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay.
The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age, that pine tree was only 3 feet tall."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-19-2005, 07:16 AM:
Rated PG
At dawn the telephone rings."Hello, Master Chuck? This is Arnaldo,the caretaker at your country house."
"Ah yes, Mr. Arnaldo.What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"
"Um, I am just calling sir, to advise you that your parrot died"
"My parrot; dead? The one that won the competition?"
"Yes, Mr. Carlos. That's the one."
"Oh dear; that's such a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird.
Well...what did he die from?"
"From eating rotten meat."
"Rotten meat? Who was so wicked as to give him bad meat?"
"Nobody, Mr. Carlos.He ate the meat of one of the dead horses."
"Dead horses? What dead horses,Arnaldo?"
"Why the pure bred ones you had, sir. They died from all that work pulling the water cart."
"Are you insane? What water cart?"
"The one we used to put out the fire."
"Good Lord, man! What fire are you talking about?"
"The one at your house! A candle fell and then the curtain caught fire."
"What the.....!!! Amaldo, there's electricity at the house!!!! What was the candle for???"
"For the funeral."
"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL???!!!!!"
"Your mother's, Mr. Carlos. She showed up one night out of the blue and I thought she was a thief; so, I hit her with your Tiger Woods Nike Driver."
SILENCE...................."Arnaldo, so help me...... if you broke that damn driver you are fired!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-08-2005, 08:35 AM:
Rated G
Christmas Golf
Four old-timers were playing their weekly game of golf, and
one remarked how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and without an argument go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies and play a round.
His buddies all chimed in and said, "Let's do it! We'll make it a priority,figure out a way and meet here early Christmas morning."
Months later,that special morning arrives, and there they are on the golf course.The first guy says, "Boy this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife such a diamond ring that she can't take her eyes off it."
Number 2 guy says, "I spent a ton, too. My wife is at home
planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures."
Number 3 guy says "Well my wife is at home admiring her new
car,reading the manual."
They all turned to the last guy in the group who is staring
at them like they have lost their minds. "I can't believe you all went to such expense for this golf game.
I slapped Carol, my wife, on the butt and said, 'Well babe, Merry Christmas! It's a great morning for sex or golf '
... and she said, "Take a sweater..."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-20-2005, 12:45 PM:
Rated G Gerry
"In golf I'm one under; one under a tree, one under a rock, and one under a bush."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-03-2006, 08:25 AM:
Rated G Golf Tip
Visualizing is a Crucial part of your Iron Game.
You may have Heard it over and over again that you are too fast on your Back swing or Forcing your follow through, you are not alone, that was me until a friend told me how he dropped 8-10 strokes by a simple but effective drill he got from an Old pro he played golf with last summer.
Here is the simple drill that you must practice on the driving range with almost immediate results when done correctly.
1. While aligning yourself to the target, always make sure your left shoulder is pointing at a 10' radius around the flag, depending if you draw or fade, if you draw aim 10' right or if you fade aim 10' left of the flag.
2. When you take back your swing keep your Iron Blade as low as possible and straight back as if you are having the feeling of stretching for the ground as you take it back, this is a crucial part in your swing to give you a larger arc and it helps to keep your left arm straight. Keep both of your arms close to your body as if it feels like your hips are moving your arms.
3. This is the second most important part of your swing, after you make your back swing and it Naturally Stops, your next vision is to feel for the ground on the down swing, focus on trapping your ball and not how hard you hit it, we all want to hit it hard and we can after properly trapping it. You need to have the vision of approaching the ball from behind it as you rotate through the ball keeping your head down, you should notice your ball shooting straight out with more speed on it. You want to feel as if you are hitting the ball with your hips, by keeping low going back and focusing on hitting behind on the down swing it forces your body to automatically turn within the imaginary barrel.
That’s it, just by practicing this it will guarantee help your game, it helped my friend drop 11 strokes and I dropped 9 strokes the next day after learning it.It makes a lot of sense when you get secret tips from those who make Great Money doing it.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-03-2006, 08:27 AM:
Rated G Golf Tip
Stroke the Ball, Don't Hit It
If you are looking to have a strong, powerful swing and not a misguided hack, stroke, rather than hit the ball. The difference can be seen when examining a short putt, when it is easy to stroke the ball. Hitting is not an option for a short putt, which makes it the easiest shot in golf. No desire to hit the ball allows a stroking, swinging motion. Perfect this technique for short-distance shots and you will find increasing accuracy and distance with your long shots as well.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-04-2006, 07:58 AM:
Rated G B.B.
Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods are in a bar. Tiger turns to Wonder and says: "How is the singing career going?"
Stevie Wonder says: "Not too bad, the latest album has gone into the top 10, so all in all I think it is pretty good. By the way how is the golf."
Tiger replies: "Not too bad, I am not winning as much as I used to but I am still making a bit of money. I have some problems with my swing but I think I have got that right now."
Stevie Wonder says: "I always find that when my swing goes wrong I need to stop playing for a while and think about it, then the next time I play it seems to be all right."
Tiger Woods says: "You play golf!"
Stevie Wonder says: "Yes, I have been playing for years."
And Tiger says: "But I thought you were blind, how can you play golf if you are blind?"
He replies: " I get my caddie to stand in the middle of the fairway and he calls to me, I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him, then when I get to where the ball lands the caddie moves to the green or further down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice."
"But how do you putt?" says Tiger.
"Well," says Stevie, "I get my caddie to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball to the sound of his voice."
Tiger says, "What is your handicap?"
Stevie says: "Well, I play off scratch."
Tiger is incredulous and says to Stevie, "We must play a game sometime.."
Wonder replies, "Well, people don't take me seriously so I only play for money, and I never play for less than $100,000 a hole."
Tiger thinks it over and says, "OK, I'm up for that - when would you like to play?"
"I don't care any night next week is OK with me."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-06-2006, 12:30 PM:
Rated G
Ever wonder why golf is growing in popularity and people who don't even play go to tournaments or watch it on TV? These truisms may shed light.
Golf is an honorable game, with the overwhelming majority of players being honorable people who don't need referees.
Golfers don't have some of their players in jail every week.
Golfers don't scratch their privates on the golf course.
Golfers don't kick dirt on, or throw bottles at, other people.
Professional golfers are compensated in direct proportion to how well they play.
Golfers don't get per diem and two seats on a charter flight when they travel between tournaments.
Golfers don't hold out for more money, or demand new contracts, because of another player's deal.
Professional golfers don't demand that the taxpayers pay for the courses on which they play.
When golfers make a mistake, nobody is there to cover for them or back them up.
The PGA Tour raises more money for charity in one year than the National Football League does in two.
You can watch the best golfers in the world up close, at any tournament, including the majors, all day, every day for $25 or $30. The cost for a seat in the nosebleed section at the Super Bowl will cost around $300 or more.
You can bring a picnic lunch to the tournament golf course, watch the best in the world and not spend a small fortune on food and drink. Try that at one of the taxpayer funded baseball or football stadiums. I brought a Coke into Oriole Park at Camden Yards last year, and an usher came to my seat and told me I had to dispose of it, or I would not be allowed to stay in the stadium.
In golf you cannot fail 70% of the time and make $9 million a season, like the best baseball hitters (.300 batting average) do.
Golf doesn't change its rules to attract Fans.
Golfers have to adapt to an entirely new playing area each week.
Golfers keep their clothes on while they are being interviewed.
Golf doesn't have free agency.
In their prime, Greg Norman, Arnold Palmer and other stars, would shake your hand and say they were happy to meet you. In his prime Jose Canseco wore T-shirts that read "Leave Me Alone."
You can hear birds chirping on the golf course during a tournament. Ladies are welcome players.
At a golf tournament, (unlike at taxpayer-funded sports stadiums and arenas) you won't hear a steady stream of four letter words and nasty name calling while you're hoping that no one spills beer on you.
Tiger Woods can hit a golf ball three times as far as Barry Bonds can hit a baseball.
Golf Courses don't ruin the neighborhood.
Finally, here's a slice of golf history I thought you might enjoy.
Why do full-length golf courses have 18 holes, and not 20, or 10 or an even dozen? During a discussion among the club's membership board at St. Andrews in 1858, one of the members pointed out that it takes exactly 18 shots to polish off a fifth of Scotch. By limiting himself to only one shot of Scotch per hole, the Scot figured a round of golf was finished when the Scotch ran out. Now you know.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-07-2006, 11:24 AM:
Rated G
My husband is an avid golfer and likes to practice his golf swing on our lawn. Often, during the summer, he breaks a window or two.
"Oh well" we always say, "at least it was our own window." And we have the glass replaced.
One year, when he was having trouble with his swing, he broke a grand total of four windows.
The following spring, a parcel arrived addressed to him. It was a box of a dozen golf balls and the enclosed note read. "Have a good season.
From Mike, your Window Guy."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-10-2006, 07:18 AM:
Rated G Gerry
It was a beautiful autumn day, and I decided to play a round of golf. When I called a friend to see if he wanted to join me, his wife answered the phone. "Pat's enjoying himself cleaning the yard," she said. "Right now he's pitching walnuts from under a tree into the vacant lot next door."
"That's enjoyable?" I asked.
"He's using an 8-iron," she replied.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-10-2006, 11:44 AM:
Rated G B.B.
Senior Golf!
A foursome of senior golfers hit the course with waning enthusiasm for the sport..."These fairways seem to be getting longer and longer," said one of the foursome.
"And these hills are getting steeper as the years go by," another complained.
"The sand traps seem to be bigger than I remember them, too," said the third senior.
After hearing enough from his buddies, the oldest, and the wisest of the four of them at 87 years old, piped up and said, "Oh my friends, just be thankful we're still on this side of the grass!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-13-2006, 09:46 AM:
Rated G
The Pope met with the College of Cardinals to discuss a proposal from Shimon Peres, the former leader of Israel. "Your holiness," said one of the Cardinals, "Mr. Peres wants to determine whether Jews or Catholics are superior, by challenging you to a golf match." The Pope was greatly disturbed, as he had never held a golf club in his life.
"Not to worry," said the Cardinal, "we'll call America and talk to Jack Nicklaus. We'll make him a Cardinal, he can play Shimon Peres... We can't lose!" Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made and, of course, Jack was honored and agreed to play.
The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of his success in the match. "I came in second, your Holiness," said Nicklaus.
"Second?!!" exclaimed the surprised Pope. "You came in second to Shimon Peres?!!"
"No," said Nicklaus, "second to Rabbi Woods."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-15-2006, 10:22 AM:
Rated G B.B.
Stance Adjustment
After a particularly poor game of golf, a popular club member skipped the clubhouse and started to go home. As he was walking to the parking lot to get his car, a policeman stopped him and asked, "Did you tee off on the sixteenth hole about twenty minutes ago?"
"Yes," the golfer responded.
"Did you happen to hook your ball so that it went over the trees and off the course?"
"Yes, I did. How did you know?" he asked.
"Well," said the policeman very seriously, "Your ball flew out onto the highway and crashed through a driver's windshield. The car went out of control, crashing into five other cars and a fire truck. The fire truck couldn't make it to the fire, and the building burned down. So, what are you going to do about it?"
The golfer thought it over carefully and responded...
"I think I'll close my stance a little bit, tighten my grip and lower my right thumb."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-23-2006, 10:44 AM:
Rated G
A foursome was on the last hole and when the last golfer drove off the tee he hooked into a cow pasture.
He advised his friends to play through and he would meet them at the clubhouse.
They followed the plan and waited for their friend.
After a considerable time he appeared disheveled, bloody, and badly beaten up. They all wanted to know what happened.
He explained that he went over to the cow pasture but could not find his ball.
He noticed a cow wringing her tail in obvious pain. He went over and lifted her tail and saw a golf ball solidly embedded. It was a yellow ball so he knew it was not his.
A woman comes out of the bushes apparently searching for her lost golf ball.
The helpful male golfer lifted the cow's tail and asked, "Does this look like yours?"
That was the last thing he could remember.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-02-2006, 02:32 PM:
Rated G
A man and his secretary are having an affair, so one afternoon they get a motel room and have strenuous sex. He's not used to the pace, so he falls asleep afterwards and doesn't wake up until about 8:30 that night, at which time he realizes it's late and that he has to get home.
He says to his secretary, "Quick! While I get dressed, you take my shoes outside and drag them around through the grass and mud." Puzzled, the secretary complies.
When the man gets home about 9:30 his wife confronts him and asks him where he's been.
The man says, "I cannot lie to you. I spent the better part of the day doing my secretary in a motel room, then I fell asleep, woke up later, and came right home.
"The woman looks down at his shoes and says, "You lying bastard, you've been out playing golf again!”
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-07-2006, 10:15 AM:
Rated G B.B.
Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course."
Caddy: "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-08-2006, 09:45 AM:
Rated G
My job as a land surveyor took me to a golf course that was expanding from 9 holes to 18 holes.
Using a machete to clear thick brush in an area I was mapping, I came upon a golf club that an irate player must have tossed away. It was in good condition, so I picked it up and continued on.
When I broke out of the brush onto a putting green, two golfers stared at me in awe. I had a machete in one hand, a golf club in the other, and behind me was a clear-cut swath over 100 yards long.
"There," said one of the golfers, "is a guy who hates to lose his ball!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-18-2006, 03:26 PM:
Rated G
A fellow took his younger brother to the golf course with his pals. The younger boy thought he'd play his first game. He watched all the older boys tee off, and then stepped up to hit the ball.
"ONE!" he yelled, as he swung at the ball.
His brother rolled his eyes and said, "Why didn't you yell 'Fore' like the rest of us?"
The boy said, "You aim at whichever hole you want, I'm trying to hit the first one."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-20-2006, 12:58 PM:
Rated G
Bob looks like a golf pro in his designer outfit, but he slices his first drive deep into the woods.
Rather than accept a penalty, he decides to try using an iron to get back on the fairway. But his ball ricochets off a tree and strikes him on the forehead, killing him.
When he arrives at the Pearly Gates, St. Peter greets him. "You look like a golfer. Are you any good?"
Bob replies, "I got here in two, didn't I?"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-08-2006, 02:22 PM:
Rated G Lorraine
Because there were quite a few golfers ahead of us, my sister and I and the two older ladies with whom we had been teamed sat chatting. One of the ladies looked at me and said hesitantly, "I don't know if I should tell you this..."
Alarmed, I blurted, "What?"
She pointed to the biggest daddy-longlegs spider I had ever seen, perched in the middle of the front of my shirt! I shot to my feet, let out a bloodcurdling scream and frantically brushed my hands up and down my shirt. While everyone within hearing distance stared at me, I sat down to regain my composure.
The lady looked at me sympathetically. "That's exactly what I would have done," she assured me.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-10-2006, 07:34 AM:
Rated G Lulu
The minister drove into a sand trap. He picked up his golf club, broke it but didn't say a word.
Then he picked up the golf bag and tore it to shreds but didn't say a word.
He then took out all the golf balls and flung them into the woods but did not say one word.
Finally he muttered, "I'm going have to give it up."
"Golf?" asked the caddie.
"No" he replied. "The Ministry."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-17-2006, 01:24 PM:
Rated G
Check your Putt:
http://www.matchpractice.com/game/
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-18-2006, 02:46 PM:
Rated G Lorraine
"I have a tip that can take five strokes off anyone's golf game: it's called an eraser."
Arnold Palmer
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-19-2006, 08:09 AM:
Rated G B.B.
WHO COULD BELIEVE IT? - AN HONEST GOLFER
About four or five years ago I was standing in a ticket line at LAX, and a fellow in a line parallel to mine had a golf bag slung over his shoulder. Since the line was long and airline ticketing is a slow process at best, we struck up a conversation.
He brightened when I admired his golf bag, and he proudly stated that he was on the PGA Tour. Then he turned to me and asked the question all golfers ask: "Do you play?"
I shook my head, "I used to, but I quit because I wasn't very good. I shot consistently in the lower seventies."
There was a long, low in-take of breath, then "The lower seventies?"
"Yes," I admitted.
"Consistently?" he queried admiringly.
"Every hole," I confessed.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-21-2006, 02:41 PM:
Rated G B.B.
Father Murphy was playing golf with a parishioner. On the first hole, he sliced into the rough. His opponent heard him mutter "Hoover!" under his breath.
On the second hole, the ball went straight into a water hazard. "Hoover!" again, a little louder this time.
On the third hole, a miracle occured and Fr. Murphy's drive landed on the green only six inches from the hole!
"Praise be to God!"
He carefully lined up the putt, but the ball curved around the hole instead of going in.
"HOOVER!!!!"
By this time, his opponent couldn't withhold his curiosity any longer, and asked why the priest said "Hoover".
"It's the biggest dam I know."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-21-2006, 02:52 PM:
Rated G Gerry
If I'm ever stranded in the desert and need water, it's no problem.
I'll just tee up a golf ball and let'er rip. The result is guaranteed.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-23-2006, 02:19 PM:
Rated G
A father, son and grandson go out to the country club for their weekly round of golf. Just as they reach the first tee, a beautiful young blonde woman carrying her bag of clubs approaches them. She explains that the guy who brought her to the club for a round of golf had an emergency, which called him away and asks the trio whether she can join them.
Naturally, the guys all agree. Smiling, the blonde thanks them.
"Look, fellows, I work in a topless bar as a dancer, so nothing shocks me anymore. If any of you wants to smoke cigars, have a beer, bet, swear or tell off-color stories or do anything that you normally do when playing a round together, go ahead But I enjoy playing golf. I consider myself pretty good at it, so don't try to coach me on how to play."
With that the guys agree to relax and invite her to drive first. All eyes were fastened on her shapely behind as she bent over during the round. Long and straight tee shots, coupled with stunning iron and short-game play, left them breathless with more than just her superior looks.
When they get to the 18th green, the blonde is 3 under par, but has a very nasty 12-foot putt on an undulating green for a par. She turns to the three guys.
"I really want to thank you all for not acting like a bunch of chauvinists and telling me what club to use or how to play a shot, but I need this putt for a 69 and I'd really like to break 70 on this course. If any one of you can tell me how to make par on this hole, I'll take him back to my apartment, pour some 25-year old Haig & Haig Scotch in him, fix him dinner, and then show him a good time the rest of the night."
The yuppie son jumps at the thought. He strolls across the green, carefully eyes the line of the putt.
"Honey, aim about 6 inches to the right of the hole and hit it firm. It will get over that little hump and break right into the cup."
The father kneels down and sights the putt using his putter as a plumb.
"Don't listen to the kid, darlin', you want to hit it softly, 10 inches to the right and run it left down that little hogback so it falls into the cup."
The old gray-haired grandfather walks over to the blonde's ball on the green, picks it up and hands it to her.
"That's a gimme, sweetheart. Your car or mine?"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-23-2006, 02:43 PM:
Rated G Lorraine
"I had a wonderful experience on the golf course today. I had a hole in nothing. Missed the ball and sank the divot."
--Don Adams
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-28-2006, 06:56 AM:
Rated G B.B.
Near the end of a particularly trying round of golf, during which the golfer had hit numerous fat shots, he said in frustration to his caddy, "I'd move heaven and earth to break a hundred on this course."
"Try heaven," said the caddy. "You've already moved most of the earth."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-29-2006, 09:21 AM:
Rated G B.B.
Once there was a golfer whose drive landed on an anthill. Rather than move the ball, he decided to hit it where it lay. He gave a mighty swing. Clouds of dirt and sand and ants exploded from the spot. Everything but the golf ball. It sat in the same spot.
So he lined up and tried another shot. Clouds of dirt and sand and ants went flying again. The golf ball didn't even wiggle.
Two ants survived. One dazed ant said to the other, "Whoa! What are we going to do?"
Said the other ant: "I don't know about you, but I'm going to get onto that ball!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-31-2006, 05:13 PM:
Rated
Three guys are golfing with the club pro. First guy tees off and hits a dribbler about 60 yards. He turns to the pro and says, "What did I do wrong?"
The pro says, "Loft".
The next guy tees off and hits a duck hook intothe woods. He asks the pro, "What did I do wrong?"
The pro says "Loft".
The third guy tees off and hits a slice into a pond. He asks the pro, "What did I do wrong?"
The pro says "Loft".
As they're walking to their balls, the first guy finally speaks up. He says to the pro, "The three of us hit completely different tee shots,and when we asked you what we did wrong you answered the same exact answer each time.
What is loft?"
The pro says, "Lack of fucking talent."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-01-2006, 10:18 AM:
Rated PG B.B.
As we age, our priorities change....
The other day Bob, age 57, came home and was greeted by his wife, dressed only in very sexy underwear and holding a couple of short velvet ropes.
"Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."
So, Bob tied her up and went golfing.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-08-2006, 10:49 AM:
Rated G
How was your game, dear?" asked Herb's wife Angela.
"Well, I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight's gotten so bad I couldn't see where the ball went," he answered.
"You're 68 years old, Herb!" admonished his wife, "Why don't you take my brother Charlie.
"But he's 78 and doesn't play golf anymore," protested Herb.
"But he's got perfect eyesight. He would watch the ball for you," Angela pointed out.
The next day Herb teed off with Charlie looking on. Herb swung and the ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway.
"Do you see it?" asked Herb. "Yup," Charlie answered.
"Well, where is it?" yelled Herb, peering off into the distance.
"I forgot."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-16-2006, 01:40 PM:
Rated G
Two duffers were playing together. After the first hole, one said to the other, "What did you take on that hole?"
"I took a seven," the second duffer said. "What did you take?"
"I took a six," his friend said.
After the second hole, the first duffer said, "What did you..."
"Hey, not so fast," his friend said. "It's my turn to ask first!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-18-2006, 08:27 AM:
Rated G
"I can hear just fine"
Three retirees, each with a hearing loss were playing golf one fine March day.
One remarked to the other, Windy isn't it?"
"No.' the second man replied. "It's Thursday."
And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-28-2006, 06:52 AM:
Rated G JT
Q: Did you hear about the guy who played golf on Christmas And accidentally hit a bird?
A: He got a partridge on a par three.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-28-2006, 07:01 AM:
Rated G Lorraine
"I know I am getting better at golf because I am hitting fewer spectators."
(Gerald Rudolph Ford, Jr...July 14, 1913--December 26, 2006)
[ 11-08-2007, 12:52 PM: Message edited by: Bob Maar ]
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-29-2006, 09:37 AM:
Rated G
On hold till I learn how to load..
[ 12-30-2006, 05:34 PM: Message edited by: Bob Maar ]
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-10-2007, 08:40 PM:
Rated R
A man was at the country club for his weekly round of golf. He began his round with an eagle on the first hole and a birdie on the second. On the third hole he had just scored his first ever hole-in-one when his cell phone rang.
It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU.
The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that the he'd be there as soon as possible. As he hung up he realized he was leaving what was shaping up to be his best ever round of golf.
He decided to get in a couple of more holes before heading to the hospital. He ended up playing all eighteen, finishing his round shooting a personal best 61, shattering the club record by five strokes and beating his previous best game by more than 10.
He was jubilant... Then he remembered his wife. Feeling guilty he dashed to the hospital. He saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about his wife's condition.
The doctor glared at him and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your round of golf didn't you! "I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself at the country club your wife has been languishing in the ICU! It's just as well you went ahead and finished that round because it will be more than likely your last!" "For the rest of her life she will require 'round the clock care. And you'll be her care giver!"
The man was feeling so guilty he broke down and sobbed . The doctor snickered and said,"Just fucking with you. She's dead. What'd you shoot?"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-15-2007, 09:17 AM:
Rated G B.B.
A golf club walks into a local bar and asks the barman for a pint of beer.
The barman refuses to serve him. "Why not," asks the golf club.
"You'll be driving later," replies the bartender.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-15-2007, 09:19 AM:
Rated G Lorraine
You can always tell the golfers in church. When they put their hands together to pray, they use an interlocking grip.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-12-2007, 03:38 PM:
Rated XXX Hank in Simi Valley
Golf Lessons
A man goes to the golf pro for a lesson.
Well, what should I do?", asked the man.
"Hold the club gently," the pro replied, "just like you'd hold your wife's breast."
Taking the advice, he took a swing, and POW!, he hit the ball 250 yards straight up the fairway.
The ecstatic man went back home telling his wife the good news about his lesson, and, the wife couldn't wait for her lesson.
The next day, the wife went for her lesson.
The pro watched her swing and said, "No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard."
"What can I do?" asked the wife.
"Hold the club gently, just like you'd hold your husband's penis."
The wife listened carefully to the pro's advice, took a swing, and, THUMP!-- the ball skipped down the fairway about 15 feet.
"You know, that was a lot better than I expected," the pro said. "Now, take the club out of your mouth, and, hold it in your hands.."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-25-2007, 08:49 AM:
Rated G Drew
Isn't golf a wonderful game? I still get upset over a bad shot. But it's silly to let the game get to you. When I miss a shot I think what a beautiful day it is. Then I take a deep breath. That's what gives me the strength to break the club.
- Bob Hope -
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-08-2007, 12:51 PM:
Rated G Ed in Aurora, Ont.
Four old-timers were playing their weekly game of golf, and one remarked how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and without an argument, go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies and play a round.
His buddies all chimed in and said, "Let's do it! We'll make it a priority, figure out a way and meet here early Christmas morning."
Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the golf course.
The first guy says, "Boy this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife such a diamond ring that she can't take her eyes off it."
Number 2 guy says, "I spent a ton, too. My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures."
Number 3 guy says "Well my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual."
They all turned to the last guy in the group who is staring at them like they have lost their minds.
"I can't believe you all went to such expense for this golf game. I woke up, slapped my wife on the butt and said, 'Well babe, Merry Christmas! It's a great morning for either sex or golf."
And she said "Take a sweater."
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 01-19-2008, 01:27 AM:
All his life, a most proper and dignified English Barrister widower, with a considerable income, had dreamed of playing Sandringham (one of Great Britain's truly exclusive golf courses). One day he made up his mind to chance it while he was traveling in the area.
Although he was aware that the club was very exclusive, he decided that he would ask the man behind the desk if he might play the famous course.
The club's secretary inquired, "Member?" "No, sir."
"Guest of a member?" "No, sir."
"Sorry," the secretary said.
As he turned to leave, the lawyer spotted a slightly familiar figure seated in the lounge reading the London Times. It was Lord Willoughby Parham.
The lawyer approached Lord Parham and, bowing low, said, "I beg your pardon, your Lordship, but my name is Higginbotham of the London Solicitor -- Higginbotham and Barclay. I should like to ask your Lordship's indulgence. Might I play this beautiful course as your guest?"
His Lordship gave Higginbotham a long look, put down his paper and his pipe and asked:
"Church?" "Church of England, sir, as was my late wife."
"Education?" the elderly gentleman asked. "Eton, sir, and Oxford with a Blue and Honors.
"Sport?" "Rugby, sir, spot of tennis and number four on the crew that beat Cambridge."
"Service?" "Brigadier, sir, Coldstream Guards, Victoria Cross and Knights of the Garter."
"Campaigns?" "Dunkirk, El Alemain and Normandy, sir."
"Languages?" "Private tutor in French, fluent in German and a bit of Greek."
His Lordship considered briefly, then nodded to the club secretary and said, "Nine Holes."
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 01-19-2008, 01:28 AM:
A man and his friend meet at the club house and decide to play a round of golf together. The man has a little dog with him and on the first green, when the man holes out a 20 foot putt, the little dog starts to yip and stands up on its hind legs.
The friend is quite amazed at this clever trick and says, "That dog is really talented! What does he do if you miss a putt?"
"Somersaults," says the man.
"Somersaults?!" says the friend, "That's incredible. How many does he do?"
"Hmmm," says the man. "That depends on how hard I kick him in the ass."
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 01-19-2008, 01:28 AM:
I was recently playing a round of golf with a nice young fellow. On the first hole, which was a long par four with water to the right and a deep ravine to the left, the young man took out a brand new sleeve of balls, teed one up and immediately hit it into the water on the right. Undaunted, he pulled another ball from the sleeve and hit that one into the ravine, as well. Then he took the last ball from the sleeve and hit it, too, into the water. He then reached into his bag and pulled out another brand new sleeve of balls. "Why don't you hit an old ball?" I asked. He responded, "I've never had an old ball."
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 01-19-2008, 01:29 AM:
A golfer tried three straight times to hit a golf ball over the inlet of water between him and the green. But each time the ball splashes into the drink. In utter frustration the golfer said, "Caddie, take my clubs on in, I'm going to jump into the water and drown myself."
The caddie replied, "I doubt that, sir. You couldn't keep your head down long enough to drown!"
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 01-19-2008, 01:31 AM:
A couple had a whirlwind, 30 day romance and even though they don't know too much about each other, they decide to get married. After a couple weeks, the husband says, "Honey, I have something I have to tell you. I'm a golf fanatic and I must play every day."
"I also need to tell you something," she replies. "I'm a hooker, and I need to do it every day."
"That's OK," he said, "we'll just play dog leg lefts."
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 01-19-2008, 01:32 AM:
A priest is playing a round of golf at the local public course when he arrives at the 15th tee. This hole is a 160 yard par three with a lake in the front of the green. It is also the padre's nemesis, no matter how well or how poorly he is playing.
Upon arriving at the tee, the priest tees up his ball, gets ready to hit and, at the last minute, looks toward the heavens and says, "God, I have been a good and decent man. Please, just this once, let me hit a shot which will carry the lake and get onto the green."
As he is about to swing, a loud, deep voice booms from the heavens and says, "Use a new ball, they go farther." The preacher steps back, thinks about the heavenly advice and goes to his bag and gets a brand new ball. He takes his stance and once again the heavenly voice booms, "Take a practice swing first." The preacher is now awestruck by the heavenly advice, so he steps back from the ball and takes a practice swing.
He takes his stance and gets ready to hit and the heavenly voice booms, "Use the old ball."
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 01-19-2008, 01:33 AM:
This is a true story. After hacking my way around a course with a professional golfer, I asked him what the problem was with my game. He answered cooly and casually, "It's simple, you're standing too close to your ball............after you hit it"!
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 01-19-2008, 01:33 AM:
A grandfather and grandson were playing golf together. On a severely dog-legged par 4, the grandfather told the grandson, "When I was your age, I'd aim right over those trees and hit the green every time." The grandson thought about that comment and decided to give it a try. He hit a perfect drive, but it landed right in the middle of the 50 ft trees.
The grandson looked sadly at the grandfather who said, "Of course when I was your age, those trees were 8 feet tall."
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 01-19-2008, 01:34 AM:
One morning, a gentleman caused a horrible slice off the first tee. He threw his driver back into the bag and proceeded toward the wooded area where he thought his shot had entered. Shortly after entering the woods, he noticed he was coming upon the fence surrounding the golf course.
On the other side of the fence was a road with numerous police, fire and ambulances attending what looked like an over turned school bus. The golfer stopped at the fence, called over a bystander and inquired, "What in heaven's name happened here?"
The answer brought chills up the golfers back as he was told that it looked as though a small round object had crashed through the drivers window; striking the driver in the forehead and causing instant death. Unfortunately, that was not the worst! Several students riding on the bus had been critically injured with multiple fractures and two small children had been found thrown from the bus and were pronounced dead at the scene.
The golfer was in a state of shock, and without saying a word, quickly and quietly turned and headed back for the club house before anyone suspected him of this horrible tragedy. Upon arriving at the club house, he knew he could not hold this secret inside and looked for an official of the club.
No one seemed to be around except the club pro in the pro shop. Without hesitation, the golfer threw open the door to the pro shop, ran in and stated, "I sliced off of number 1 and the ball went through a school bus window and it killed the driver, critically injured several students and caused the death of two young students! What in heaven's name do I do now?" To which the pro replied, "You might try either closing the club face a bit or moving your back leg in the direction you want the ball to travel!"
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 01-19-2008, 01:35 AM:
Two pastors, one Catholic and one Protestant, and a Jewish rabbi were part of a threesome one day on the course. The group ahead of them were playing slow, terrible golf and weren't gesturing for a play-through. After several holes of this agonizingly slow golf the three clerics began to get very impatient, each muttering his own curses upon the group ahead of them.
Soon the Marshall came about, and was hailed down by the holy men who shouted, "We're sick of being held-up by these yahoos ahead of us who won't allow us to play through!" The Marshall stated, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, but those men are both deaf and blind."
The Protestant cried, "Oh, Jesus, forgive me for my bad thoughts and cursing upon those poor souls." The Catholic cried, "Oh forgive me, Mary, for my bad thoughts and cursing upon those poor souls." The rabbi shouted, "So why can't they play at night!?"
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 01-19-2008, 01:36 AM:
The duffer decided that it was about time for a lesson to "tune up" his game. He told the pro that he wanted to work on swing mechanics, so the pro asked him to hit a few balls with his 9-iron so he could watch his swing. He addressed the ball, double checked his stance and grip, executed his take-away and backswing, his downswing and follow through. But, he toed the ball, and sliced it way off into the nearest fairway. He looked back at the pro for advice, who told him "Your problem is obvious Sir -- it's LOFT".
The golfer scratched his head, went to his bag and pulled out his driver. He repeated his routine, and topped the ball, sending it dribbling 30 yards out on the practice range. He looked at the pro for a suggestion, who advised him "Your problem is still LOFT". The frustrated student then pulled out a 5-iron, took his swing and struck an ugly duck hook. The pro again told him "I'm sorry, but your problem is still LOFT".
The golfer struggled to maintain his cool, and asked the pro, "I don't understand. I hit my first shot with my 9-iron, and you said my problem was loft. Then I took my least lofted club, hit it again, and you said my problem was still loft. Then I grabbed a middle iron, and you told me once again that my problem was loft. What exactly do mean by LOFT?"
The pro looked at him and explained, "Lack Of F___ing Talent!".
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 01-19-2008, 01:37 AM:
A man got a phone call from his wife at work one day and she asked him to stop at the store and pick up some groceries. Reminding her that this was his golf league night he said he would be happy to go to the store AFTER playing his round of golf.
After playing golf, he stopped at the store and picked up 2 bags full of groceries. He then proceeded to walk out of the grocery store to his Cadillac. Upon reaching his Cadillac he found it difficult to reach into his pocket to pull his keys out to open his trunk because his arms were full with two bags of groceries.
He saw a beautiful women walking nearby and he asked her, "Could you please do me a favor?" "Sure," she replied. He went on to say, "I can't reach into my pocket and get my Cadillac keys out to open my trunk and put my groceries away." "Do you think you could reach into my pocket and pull my Cadillac keys out?" "No problem," she replied.
When she pulled the keys out, two golf tees also were pulled out as well and fell to the ground. She bent over and picked them up. Looking at the golf tees in the palm of her hand, somewhat quizzically she asked the man, "Gee, what are these for?" He replied, "Oh, those are to keep my balls in the air while I'm driving." To which she commented, "Boy, those Cadillac people think of everything."
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 01-19-2008, 01:37 AM:
A man was playing golf one day and he hit his ball deep into the rough. As he was searching for his ball he happened to find a bottle laying in the grass and when he picked it up, a great genie appeared.
"This is terrific," the man said. "Does this mean that I get three wishes granted?" he inquired. "Yes," replied the genie, "But be careful, for whatever you wish, your wife will get ten times greater."
So, the man thought and he finally said, "Make me the best golfer at the club." The genie told him, "You will be the best male golfer at the club, but your wife will be ten times better." "Okay," he said, "Give me a million dollars." The genie replied, "It is granted, but your wife now has ten million dollars."
The genie said, "You have only one wish left, so use it wisely." And the man replied, "Give me a slight heart attack."
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 01-19-2008, 01:38 AM:
A pretty terrible golfer was playing a round of golf for which he had hired a caddie. The round proved to be somewhat tortuous for the caddie to watch and he was getting a bit exasperated by the poor play of his employer.
At one point the ball lay about 180 yards from the green and the as the golfer sized up his situation, he asked his caddie, "Do you think I can get there with a 5-iron?" And the caddie replied, "Eventually."
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 01-19-2008, 01:41 AM:
RATED R
A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first
of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly
toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands
together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in
evident agony.
The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She
said, "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could
relieve your pain if you'd allow."
"Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be all right...I'll be fine in a few minutes," he
replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his
hands together at his crotch.
But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took
his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and she
put her hands inside. She began to massage him. She then asked him, "How does
that feel?"
To which he replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 01-19-2008, 01:42 AM:
This guy gets home from his day of golf and says to his wife "man,
what a bad day on the course. Fred died on the 11th green.". His
wife responded "My god, how horrible that must have been for you.".
"You bet", the guy said. "It was a real hassle: hit the ball, drag
Fred. Hit the ball, drag Fred...".
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 01-19-2008, 01:43 AM:
RATED PG-13
Four retired guys are out, first one tees up, slices his ball into the
trees, has to go retrieve it. While he's gone, one guy says "So Bob,
how's your son doing?"
"Well, you know my son's got an auto dealership, and they had their best
year ever. It was so good that he gave a friend of his a car."
Next guy: "So Bill, how's your son doing?"
"Well, you know my son's got a boat dealership, and they had their best
year ever. It was so good that he gave a friend of his a boat."
Third guy: "So George, how's your son doing?. "Well, you know my son is
a real estate broker, and he had his best year ever. It was so good that
he gave a friend of his a house." Meanwhile, the guy who lost his ball
is back: "So Sam, how's your son doing?"
"Well, I dunno. You all know my son's gay... But he must be doing something
right because some friends gave him a house, a car, and a boat."
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 01-19-2008, 01:44 AM:
Two guys were approaching the first tee. The first guy goes into his
golf bag to get a ball and says to his friend, "Hey, why don't you try
this ball?" He draws a green golf ball out of his bag. "You can't lose
it."
His friend replies, "What do you mean you can't lose it?!"
The first man replies, "I'm serious, you can't lose it. If you hit it
into the woods, it makes a beeping sound, if you hit it into the water
it produces bubbles, and if you hit it on the fairway, smoke comes up
in order for you to find it."
Obviously, his friend doesn't believe him, but he shows him all the
possibilities until he is convinced. The friend says, "Wow! That's
incredible! Where did you get that ball?!"
To which his friend replies, "I found it!"
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 01-19-2008, 01:45 AM:
Flannery was not much of a church-goer, as he played golf with the
same foursome every Sunday.
Father Reardon the parish priest, admonished him.
"Father," said Flannery, "I just want to know if you think there are any golf courses in heaven."
"I don't know, but I'll check with the Pope," said Father Reardonk.
The next day Father reported to Flannery. "My son, I've got good news
and bad news for you. Here's the good news. The pope says their are
plenty of courses in heaven; beautiful fairways, greens smooth as silk,
and it never gets dark, so you can play twenty-four hours a day."
"That's wonderful!" exclaimed Flannery, "but what's the bad news?"
Father said, "Well, you've got a tee-time tomorrow morning at 9:00!"
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 01-19-2008, 01:46 AM:
RATED PG
Four married guys go golfing on Sunday. During the 3rd hole the
following conversation ensued:
First Guy: "Man, you have no idea what I had to do to be able to
come out golfing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I
will paint every room in the house next weekend."
Second Guy: "That's nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will
build her a new deck for the pool."
Third Guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife
that I will remodel the kitchen for her."
They continue to play the hole when they realized that the fourth
guy has not said a word. So they ask him. "You haven't said
anything about what you had to do to be able to come golfing this
weekend. What's the deal?"
Fourth Guy: "That's easy! I just set my alarm for 4:30am. When it goes off, I shut off my alarm, give the wife a poke and say,
'Golf Course or Intercourse?' She always says, 'Wear your sweater.'"
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 01-19-2008, 01:47 AM:
An expectant mother was being rushed to the hospital, but didn't quite
make it. She gave birth to her baby on the hospital lawn. Later the
father received a bill, listing "Delivery Room Fee: $500."
He wrote the hospital and reminded them that the baby was born on the
front lawn.
A week passed, and a corrected bill arrived: "Greens Fee: $200."
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 01-19-2008, 01:47 AM:
RATED PG
Top Ten Things That Sound Dirty in Golf, but Aren't ...
10. Oh, bite, sweetheart.
9. See it suck back to the hole?
8. I yanked it in the woods.
7. I pushed it in the swamp.
6. Never up, never in.
5. My head was a little late to impact.
4. Hey, I think you're inside me.
3. Flip it up and let it land softly.
2. Make sure the shaft comes back to vertical.
1. Damn, there's hole in the headcover.
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 01-19-2008, 01:49 AM:
Do you know who, in 1923, was:
1. President of the largest steel company?
2. President of the largest gas company?
3. President of the New York Stock Exchange?
4. Greatest wheat speculator?
5. President of the Bank of International Settlement?
6. Great Bear of Wall Street?
These men should have been considered some of the world's most
successful men. At least they found the secret of making money.
Now more than 55 years later, do you know what has become of
these men?
1. The President of the largest steel company, Charles Schwab, died a
pauper.
2. The President of the largest gas company, Edward Hopson, is insane.
3. The President of the N.Y.S.E., Richard Whitney, was released from
prison to die at home.
4. The greatest wheat speculator, Arthur Cooger, died abroad, penniless.
5. The President of the Bank of International Settlement shot himself.
6. The Great Bear of Wall Street, Cosabee Rivermore, died of suicide.
- The same year, 1923, the winner of the most important golf
championship, Gene Sarazan, won the U.S. Open and PGA Tournaments.
Today he is still playing golf and is solvent.
- CONCLUSION: STOP WORRYING ABOUT BUSINESS AND START PLAYING GOLF
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 01-19-2008, 01:50 AM:
A man goes to the confessional. "Forgive me father, for I have sinned."
"What is your sin, my child?" The priest asks back.
"Well," the man starts, "I used some horrible language this week and I
feel absolutely terrible."
"When did you do use this awful language?" said the priest.
"I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was
going to go over 250 yards, but it struck a phone line that was hanging
over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only
about 100 yards."
"Is that when you swore?"
"No, Father." Said the man. "After that, a squirrel ran out of the
bushes and grabbed my ball in his mouth and began to run away."
"Is THAT when you swore?" asked the Father again.
"Well, no." said the man, "You see, as the squirrel was running, an
eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons
and began to fly away!"
"Is THAT when you swore?" asked the amazed Priest.
"No, not yet." The man replied. "As the eagle carried the squirrel
away in his claws, it flew towards the green. And as it passed over a
bit of forest near the green, the squirrel dropped my ball."
"Did you swear THEN?" asked the now impatient Priest.
"No, because as the ball fell it struck a tree, bounced through some
bushes, careened off a big rock, and rolled through a sand trap onto
the green and stopped within six inches of the hole."
"You missed the friggin putt, didn't you?" sighed the Priest.
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 01-19-2008, 01:52 AM:
An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman went for a round of golf and their
wives went along as caddies.
While walking around the course the English man's wife caught her foot
in a rabbit hole, tripped up, and landed in a heap on the ground. Her
skirt was over her head revealing that she wasn't wearing any knickers!
The Englishman stormed over and angrily demanded a reason for her state
of undress.
"Well darling," she explained, "you give me so little allowance that I
have to make the odd sacrifice. Usually no one notices."
The Englishman thrusts his hand into his pocket and said, "Here's a ten
spot. Go to Mark's and Spencer's and get some knickers."
Two holes further along the Irish Man's wife caught her foot on a
molehill, tripped up and landed in a heap on the ground. Again her
skirt was up over her head revealing that she wasn't wearing any
knickers either! The Irish man was livid and he angrily demanded a
reason for her lack of undergarments.
"Well darling," she explained, "you give me so little allowance I cannot
afford to buy undergarments."
With that the Irish man thrust his hand into his pocket and said,
"Here's a five spot. Go to Woolworth's and get some knickers."
Three holes further on, the Scottish man's wife caught her foot on an
exposed root, tripped up and landed with her skirt over her head
revealing that even she wore no knickers! Her explanation to her irate
husband was the same as the others. Simply a lack of allowance.
The Scottish man thrust his hand into his pocket and said, "Here's a
comb. At least you can tidy yourself up a bit."
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 01-19-2008, 01:53 AM:
RATED PG
A fellow tees off, and slices terribly. He sees the ball fly past a
stand of trees and then hears a shriek. He runs over and finds a woman
knocked out cold. The man runs back to the clubhouse and shouts,
"Is there a doctor here?"
"I'm a doctor," another man says, rising. "What's the trouble?"
"I just hit a woman with a golf ball out there, and she's unconscious!"
"Well where did you hit her?" the doctor asks.
"Between the first and second holes."
"Oh my," the doctor says, shaking his head. "That doesn't leave much
room for stitches!"
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 01-19-2008, 01:53 AM:
RATED R
What's the difference between a clitoris and a golf ball?
A man will spend 15 minutes looking for a golf ball.
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 01-19-2008, 01:56 AM:
RATED PG-13
On the way to meet his regular foresome, Joe gets delayed in heavy
traffic. When he finally gets to the club the starter tells him that
he had no choice but to send off his three buddies. "But", the
starter says, "there's a really nice lady who's ready to go." Joes
protests but the starter says that she's very nice and a decent
player.
Joe finally decides to play with her.
During their round, Joe realizes that he's having a great time with
her. They laugh, talk the whole time and, as the starter said, she's
a terrific player. Joe invites her into the clubhouse for a drink
after the round and it becomes 3 or 4 drinks in two hours time. He
then asks her to go out for dinner, and she accepts his offer. After
a great dinner, wine and dancing she invites Joe to her home for a
little coffee. Well, coffee turns to kissing and fooling around,
then great sex. Joe looks at his watch and sees it's 11:00 PM and
says, "Oh my god, I can't believe the time. I've got to get home to
my wife" and he bolts out the door.
When he gets home his wife asks him where he was. He then tells her,
"Honey I can't beleive what I've done. I strayed. I was on my way
to playing with the guys early this morning and I got caught in
traffic. When I got there, they had been sent out and the starter
sent me out with this woman. We were playing and having a really
nice time. We had drinks, then we went out for dinner, then she
invited me back to her place, we had coffee and before I knew it we
were in her bed. Bit-a-bang, bit-a-boom clothes were flying, having
sex. Then I noticed the time and said that I had to run home to you,
and here I am".
She thought about it for a minute, looked at him and said, "You
played 36 holes didn't you?"
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 01-19-2008, 01:57 AM:
A Scotsman was shipwrecked and finally washed ashore on a small island.
As he regains consciousness on the beach, he sees a beautiful unclad
nymphet standing over him. She asks, "Would you like some food?"
The Scot hoarsely croaks, "Och, lassie, I havna' ittin a bite in a week
noo and I am verra hungry!"
She disappears into the woods and quickly comes back with a heaping
helping of haggis. When he has choked it down, she asks, "Would you like
something to drink?"
"Och, aye! That haggis has made me verra hungry and I wad verra much like
a drink!"
She goes off into the woods again and returns with a bottle of 75-year-old
single-malt Scotch whiskey. The Scotsman is beginning to think that he's in
heaven when the unclad nymphet leans closer and says, "Would you like to
play around?"
"Och, lassie, don't tell me ye've got a golf course here too!"
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 01-19-2008, 01:58 AM:
A young man, who worked at a driving range, picked up a couple of dozen
old balls one day and took them home with him, stuffing them into his
pants pockets.
On the bus on his way home, an elderly old lady sat down next to him,
so he had to scrunch them up to make room for her. He noticed after a
while the lady was glancing sideways toward his pockets. A bit
embarrassed, he said to the lady, "It's all right ma'am, they're just
golf balls."
She nodded and smiled sympathetically and a few moments later said,
"Tell me - is that something like tennis elbow?"
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 01-19-2008, 01:59 AM:
RATED PG
Maurie was not having a good day on the golf course.
After he missed a twelve inch putt, his partner asked
him what the problem was.
"It's the wife" said Maurie. " As you know, she's
taken up golf, and since she's been playing, she's
cut my sex down to once a week".
"Well you should think yourself lucky" said his partner.
"She's cut some of us out altogether!"
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 01-19-2008, 01:59 AM:
"Doctor, we've got an emergency! My baby just swallowed
my golf tees."
"I'll be there at once."
"But tell me what to do till you get here, doc?"
"Practice your putting."
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 01-19-2008, 02:01 AM:
In primitive society, when native tribes beat the ground with clubs and
yelled, it was called witchcraft; today, in civilized society, it is
called golf.
Golf is an expensive way of playing marbles.
Golf is a game in which the slowest people in the world are those in
front of you, and the fastest are those behind.
Golf A five mile walk punctuated with disappointments.
The secret of good golf is to hit the ball hard, straight and not too often.
There's no game like golf you go out with three friends, play eighteen
holes, and return with three enemies.
Golf was once a rich man's sport, but now it has millions of poor players.
An amateur golfer is one who addresses the ball twice once before swinging,
and once again after swinging.
Many a golfer prefers a golf cart to a caddy because the cart cannot count,
criticize or laugh.
Golf is a dangerous sport. Everyone who plays has a stroke.
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 01-19-2008, 02:02 AM:
A golfer was addressing his ball, getting ready to shoot.As he was about
ready to hit, a voice came over the p.a. system. "Will the gentleman on the
ladies tee please move back to the men's tee".
He looked up and then resumed addressing the ball again. The voice again-
"Will the Man on the Red tees move back to the White Tees"!!
He looked back at the starters shack and said, "Will the man on the p.a. shut
up so that the man on the ladies tee can hit his second shot".
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 01-19-2008, 02:02 AM:
Some important golfing guidelines:
1. Keep your hands off other peoples putters
2. Chose your partners carefully
3. If you keep swinging you'll eventually hit something
4. Stay out of the swamp
5. Don't give people the birdie
6. Keep your clothes on
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 01-19-2008, 02:03 AM:
Tired of being a golf widow, a woman took up the game and wound up
playing with her husband on a country course one day. He hit his drive
way off into the rough, behind a barn. She came over to take a look,
surveyed the situation, and suggested that if he opened both barn doors
he could hit his ball straight through the barn to the green.
He saw this as an excellent idea, complimented her for her suggestion,
then opened the doors and stepped up to the ball. He made a swing and
great contact. Unfortunately, the ball was off line, careened off the
door frame, hit the wife in the head and killed her.
Years went by, the man finally remarried, and this time found himself a
golfer for a wife. Incredibly, the same situation occurs. The man is in
the rough behind the same barn. His new wife took a look at his ball and
suggested that he could make the green if he opened both barn doors and
hit through the barn.
"No way," he says. "I can't do that."
"Why not?" she asks.
"The last time I did that something terrible happened."
"What?" she asked.
"I got a double bogey."
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 01-19-2008, 02:04 AM:
Harold and Gertrude had been married for fifty years and played golf together
every Saturday. One day while out on the course, Harold said to Gertrude,
"Honey, there has been something bothering me all these years that I'd like to
get off my chest before I die. You remember when we were first married and I
had that pretty young secretary working for me? Well, I had an affair with her.
But it was only one time, that was many years ago and I have been
faithful to you ever since."
Gertrude replied, "Harold, there is something bothering me which I need to tell
you. Three years before I met you, I had a sex change operation."
Harold was visibly shaken and could only reply, "Honey, how could you have
never told me this? . . . and all these years you've been hitting from the
ladies tees!!!"
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 01-19-2008, 02:05 AM:
RATED R
A young executive was asked by his boss to take some out of town clients out
for a round of golf. The man, being an avid golfer, was delighted! He played
18 holes with the clients. When they were done, he suggested another 18, but
they declined, and instead headed for the bar. There they had a few beers and
several laughs. The clients were very impressed with the treatment received,
and promised to tell his boss. They were prepared to place a very large order,
based in great part, on the tremendous day they had just had.
Well the man was ecstatic! He really wanted to play another 18, but decided he
needed to share this news with his wife. So he thanked them, said goodbye and
rushed home to tell her. Surely this would lead to bigger and better things!
When he got home, all was quiet. He walked down the hall, opened the bedroom
door and to his surprise and amazement, he found his wife in bed with his boss!
He left quickly, and went back to the course. He walked into the bar and sat
down ordering a "stiff one, make it a double!"
The bartender remembered him from earlier and said, "I thought you went home
to tell your wife the good news?"
The man replied, "Well, I went home, but I found my wife in bed with my boss!
And seeing as they were in the early stages, I figured I could fit in at least
another nine holes before they were done!"
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 01-19-2008, 02:06 AM:
Paddy had such a bad round of golf he went home and beat his wife to death.
Feeling guilty, he called the police and said "I've just killed my wife". He
gave the police his name and address and about a minute later a police car
screeched up the driveway and two policeman got out.
Police: "Are you the man who said he killed his wife?"
Paddy: "Yes, that was me."
Police: "Well, where's the body?"
Paddy took the policeman into the kitchen where a woman lay motionless on the
floor. The police took out his pen and folder and started to take notes.
Police: "This is your wife?"
Paddy: "Yes."
Police: "And you killed her?"
Paddy: "Yes."
Police: "How did you kill her?"
Paddy: "I beat her to death with my one iron."
Police: "How many times did you actually hit her?"
Paddy: "Seven - but put me down for five."
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 01-19-2008, 02:07 AM:
This guy's wife constantly berated him to teach her to play golf. Finally
one morning he relented, so off they went.
First hole: Par 3, 179 yards, very pretty.
The husband steps up first and says "Now watch me, and do the same thing."
He makes a nice shot; the ball lands on the green, about 30 feet from the cup.
The wife steps up next. SHe takes a mighty swing, hooks it, and the ball
bounces off a rock, clips a tree, sideswipes another rock, rolls onto the
green and into the cup!
The husband turns to her and says, "OK, now you know how to play, let's go home."
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 01-19-2008, 02:10 AM:
New Rules Of Golf
Finally, the game of golf is beginning to make sense
===========================================================================
These rules of golf are for good players whose scores would reflect their true ability, if only they got an even break once in awhile. They were adapted from those proposed by the Union Printers Golf Club in Baltimore and have some appealing provisions
1. A ball sliced or hooked into the rough shall be lifted and placed on the fairway at a point equal to the distance it carried or rolled in the rough. Such veering right or left frequently results from friction between the face of the club and the cover of the ball, and the player should not be penalized for the erratic behavior of the ball resulting from such uncontrollable mechanical phenomena.
2. A ball hitting a tree shall be deemed not to have hit the tree. Hitting a tree is simply bad luck and has no place in a scientific game. The player should estimate the distance the ball would have traveled if it had not hit the tree and play the ball from there, preferably from atop a nice firm tuft of grass.
3. There shall be no such thing as a lost ball. The missing ball is on or near the course somewhere and eventually will be found and pocketed by someone else. It thus becomes a stolen ball, and the player should not compound the felony by charging himself with a penalty stroke.
4. In or near a bunker or sand trap, a ball rolling back toward the player may be hit again on the roll without counting an extra stroke or strokes. In any case, no more than two strokes are to be counted in playing from a bunker, since it is reasonable to assume that if the player had time to concentrate on his shot, instead of hurrying it so as not to delay his playing partners, he would be out in two.
5. If a putt passed over the hole without dropping, it is deemed to have dropped. The law of gravity holds that any object attempting to maintain a position in the atmosphere without something to support it must drop. The law of gravity supersedes the law of golf. (Same thing goes for a ball that stops on the brink of the hole and hangs there, defying gravity. You cannot defy the law). (Same thing goes for a ball that rims the cup. A ball should not go sideways. This violates the laws of physics).
6. A putt that stops close enough to the hole to inspire such comments as, "You could blow it in"...may be blown in. This rule does not apply if the ball is more than three inches from the hole, because no one wants to make a travesty of the game.
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 01-19-2008, 02:11 AM:
RATED PG
What is the worst golfing foursome possible?
Monica Lewinsky, O.J. Simpson, Ted Kennedy and Bill Clinton...
You have a hooker, a slicer, a guy who can't drive over water and another guy who can't remember the last hole he played.
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 01-19-2008, 02:11 AM:
A man and his wife were having an argument in bed. He finally jumped up and
took a blanket to the couch.
The next day the wife feeling bad about what happened decided to buy her
husband a gift, and since he was an avid golfer she went to the pro shop where
he usually played golf. She talked with the pro and he suggested a putter and
he showed her one of his finest.
"How much is it?" she asked.
"One hundred and fifty dollars," he replied.
She felt that was kind of expensive and told him so.
"But it comes with an inscription," he said.
"What kind of inscription?" she asked.
"Whatever you wish," he explained, "but one of the old golfers favorites is,
NEVER UP, NEVER IN.'"
"Oh, that will never do!" exclaimed the wife. "That's what started the
argument in the first place!"
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 01-19-2008, 02:13 AM:
A golfer, who was known for his bad temper, walked into the Pro
Shop one day and plunked down big bucks for a new set of woods.
The staff all watched to see what would happen after he used them
for the first time, more than half expecting he'd come in and
demand his money back. But the next time he came in, he was all
smiles!
"They're the best clubs I've ever had," he said. "I've really had
tremendous improvement! In fact, I've discovered I can throw them
at least 40 yards farther than I could my last ones."
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 01-19-2008, 02:14 AM:
A man enters the golf pro shop and looks all around, frowning.
After watching him for a bit, the pro asks him what he wants.
"I can't find any green golf balls," the man replies.
"Well, I don't think they make them, but I can check."
The pro looks all over the shop, through all the catalogs, even
calls all the ball manufacturers. Sure enough, no one makes green
golf balls. As the man walks out the door, the pro asks him,
"Before you go, could you tell me why you want green golf balls?"
"Because they'd be so much easier to find in the sand traps!!"
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 01-19-2008, 02:15 AM:
The old perfesser decided one summer he was gonna try his hand at
golf. He got hisself some of them funny shoes (ching!), a pair
of knickers and an argyle sweater (ching, ka-ching!), and to top
it all off, a brand new set of clubs (ka-CHING!!!).
Well, off he goes, to the local country club. Naturally, knowing
that he can do anything he sets his mind to without the help of
anybody else, he doesn't bother with lessons from the club pro,
or tips from friends who've been at the game for awhile...nothing.
So, round about the third hole (and the 64th swing), it was no
surprise seeing the old perfesser pick up his whole new bag of
clubs and heaving it right into the water hazard - where his ball
had gone just moments before - and then storm off the course.
A few minutes later, though, he came slinking back... he pulled up
them knickers past his knees, and went wading in after the clubs.
Everyone on the course was just chuckling and such, figgering he
was gonna take them expensive new clubs home, clean them up and
prob'ly try and get his money back....
However, they were quite shocked to see him retrieve his car keys
from the pocket in the bag - then throw the clubs right back into
the water.
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 01-19-2008, 02:16 AM:
RATED PG
A golfer hits a wicked slice off the tee that ricochets through
the trees and into the next fairway narrowly missing another
golfer.
When the first golfer gets to his ball he is greeted by his
unintended victim who angrily tells him of the near miss.
"I'm sorry, I didn't have time to yell fore," says the first
golfer.
"That's funny" replies the second, "you had plenty of time to
yell 'SHIT!'"
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 01-19-2008, 02:17 AM:
Negotiations between union members and their employer were at an
impasse. The union denied that their workers were flagrantly
abusing their contract's sick-leave provisions.
One morning at the bargaining table, the company's chief
negotiator held aloft the morning edition of the newspaper, "This
man," he announced, "called in sick yesterday!"
There on the sports page, was a photo of the supposedly ill
employee, who had just won a local golf tournament with an
excellent score.
The silence in the room was broken by a union negotiator. "Wow,"
he said. "Just think of what kind of score he could have had if
he hadn't been sick!"
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 01-19-2008, 02:17 AM:
A fellow is getting ready to tee-off on first hole when a second
fellow approaches and asks if he can join him. The first says
that he usually plays alone but agrees to let the second guy join
him.
Both are even after the first couple of holes.
The second guy says "Say, we're about evenly matched, how about
we play for a five a hole?"
The first fellow says that he usually plays alone and doesn't
like to bet but agrees to the terms.
Well, the second guy wins the rest of the holes and as they're
walking off of the eighteenth hole, and while counting his $80.00,
he confesses that he's the pro at a neighboring course and likes
to pick on suckers.
The first fellow reveals that he's the Parish Priest at the local
Catholic Church to which the second fellow gets all flustered and
apologetic and offers to give the Priest back his money.
The Priest says, "No, no. You won fair and square and I was
foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings."
The pro says, "Well, is there anything I can do to make it up to
you?"
The Priest says, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and
make a donation. Then, if you bring your mother and father by
after Mass, I'll marry them for you."
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 01-19-2008, 02:19 AM:
RATED PG
A very avid golfer was lined up and ready on the 17th tee when
out of the woods came a naked girl who ran past him and into the
woods on the other side of the tee. Being the avid golfer he was,
he once again beared down on the ball and right in the middle of
his backswing a guy in a white coat ran out of the woods and
asked him if a naked lady ran past.
Our golfer said, "Yes, she ran into the woods".
The guy in the white coat said thanks and ran after her. Our
golfer again prepared to hit the ball when all of a sudden another
man in a white coat came out of the woods carrying a 5 gallon
bucket of sand and asked if he had seen a man in a white coat come
through her chasing a naked lady. He said yes, they ran that way
through the woods. The man said thanks and started to run off
when the golfer stopped him and asked, "Hey, what's going on?"
The guy explained, "You see, we work at a sanitarium nearby.
Every now and then that girl gets away and, all she wants to do
is get naked and make love."
The golfer then asked, "Well, what's the bucket of sand for???"
The guy in the white coat said, "Oh, that's my handicap. You
see, I caught her the last time!!"
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 01-19-2008, 02:19 AM:
Two couples went out golfing together. The men hit first from the
men's tee and walked with the ladies to their tee box.
The first lady took a mighty swing at the ball, missing it
completely (passing some gas rather loudly in the process).
No one commented.
She addressed the ball again but this time she passed just a
little gas as she made contact with the ball, topping it and
moving it only a short distance.
She said, "I wonder why it didn't go any further?"
One of the men said, "I don't think you gave it enough gas!"
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 01-19-2008, 02:20 AM:
The little church in the suburbs suddenly stopped buying from its
regular office supply dealer. So, the dealer telephoned Deacon
Brown to ask why.
"I'll tell you why," scolded Deacon Brown. "Our church ordered
some pencils from you to be used in the pews for visitors to
register."
"Well," interrupted the dealer, "didn't you receive them yet?"
"Oh, we received them all right," replied Deacon Brown. "However,
you sent us some golf pencils...each stamped with the words, 'Play
Golf Next Sunday.'"
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 01-19-2008, 02:20 AM:
Golfer
I've played so poorly all day; I think I'm going to go drown
myself in that water hazard.
Caddy
I don't think you could keep your head down that long.
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 01-19-2008, 02:21 AM:
Golfer
You've got to be the worst caddy in the world!
Caddy
I doubt it, that would be too much of a coincidence
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 01-19-2008, 02:21 AM:
Golfer
I'd move heaven and earth to be able to break 100 on this course!
Caddy
Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth.
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 01-19-2008, 02:21 AM:
Golfer
Do you think I can get there with a 5-iron?
Caddy
Eventually.
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 01-19-2008, 02:21 AM:
Golfer
Well Caddy, How do you like my game?
Caddy
Very good, sir! But personally I prefer golf.
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 01-19-2008, 02:22 AM:
Golfer
Well, I have never played this badly before!
Caddy
I didn't realize you had EVER played before, sir.
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 01-19-2008, 02:22 AM:
Golfer
Caddy, Do you think my game is improving?
Caddy
Oh yes, sir! You miss the ball much closer than you used to.
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 01-19-2008, 02:22 AM:
Golfer
Please stop checking your watch all the time, caddy. It's
distracting!
Caddy
This isn't a watch, sir. It's a compass.
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 01-19-2008, 02:22 AM:
Golfer
Caddy, do you think it is a sin to play golf on Sunday?
Caddy
The way you play, sir, it's a crime any day of the week!
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 01-19-2008, 02:23 AM:
Golfer
This golf is a funny game.
Caddy
It's not supposed to be.
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 01-19-2008, 02:23 AM:
Judge
Do you understand the nature of an oath?
Boy
Do I? I'm your caddie, remember!
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 01-19-2008, 02:23 AM:
Golfer
That can't be my ball, caddy. It looks far too old.
Caddy
It's been a long time since we started, sir.
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 01-19-2008, 02:24 AM:
Golfer
That's good for one long drive and a putt.
Caddy (after ball travels only 3 feet)
And now for one hell of a putt.
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 01-19-2008, 02:24 AM:
Friendly golfer (to player searching for lost ball)
What sort of a ball was it?
Caddie (butting in)
A brand new one -- never been properly hit yet!
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 01-19-2008, 02:24 AM:
Golfer
Caddiemaster, that boy isn't even eight years old.
Caddiemaster
Better that way, sir. He probably can't count past ten.
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 01-19-2008, 02:25 AM:
RATED PG
On a beautiful sunny Sunday afternoon, Morris stood on the first
tee at his country club. He had just pulled out his driver when a
young woman in a wedding gown came running up to him, crying.
"You bastard!" she screamed in his face. "You lousy no-good
rotten damn stinking bastard!"
"What's your problem Sherry ?" he calmly replied. "I distinctly
told you only if it rained."
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 01-19-2008, 02:26 AM:
RATED PG
Mary hears the car drive up, then a clatter as it hits the garbage
cans. A car door slams, some cussing, then the garage door
opens, and slams shut. Suddenly more crashing, clattering and
cussing. Finally John comes into the house with his golf clubs,
almost continuously scowling and cussing.
"What's the matter, dear? Did you have as bad day on the golf
course?" asked Mary.
"A rotten day! A ROTTEN DAY! I'll say I did. What a miserable
round of golf! It was the worst ever! In fact, I only hit two
good balls all day! And the worst of that is, I wouldn't have hit
them either...if I hadn't stepped on that rake in the garage!"
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 01-19-2008, 02:27 AM:
At a golf course, four men approached the sixteenth tee. The
straight fairway ran along a road and bike path fenced off on the
left.
The first golfer teed off and hooked the ball in that direction.
But the ball went over the fence and bounced off the bike path
onto the road, where it hit the tire of a moving bus and was
knocked back on to the fairway!
As they all stood in silent amazement, one man finally asked him,
"How on earth did you do that?"
He shrugged his shoulders and said, "You have to know the bus
schedule."
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 01-19-2008, 02:28 AM:
I think that I shall never see
a hazard rougher than an tree;
A tree o'er which my ball must fly
if on the green it is to lie;
A tree which stands that green to guard,
and makes the shot extremely hard;
A tree whose leafy arms extend
to kill the six iron shot I send;
A tree that stands in silence there,
while angry golfers rave and swear.
Irons were made for fools like me
who cannot ever miss a tree.
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 01-19-2008, 02:28 AM:
A bad tempered golfer was advised by his psychiatrist to golf,
but without a ball. He was to imagine hitting every shot.
The golfer tried it, and it worked.
A few days later he met another golfer and they decided to play a
round. The bad-tempered golfer warned his new acquaintance of his
unusual style of game, but the acquaintance said everything was
all right because that was how he played too. After 17 holes, each
had made 17 straight birdies and the match was tied.
"I'm really going to let out some shaft on this drive," said the
bad-tempered golfer. And he did, hitting a 400-yard drive on the
par-five final hole.
"I'm really going to belt this one too," said the acquaintance.
And he also hit a 400-yard drive.
The bad-tempered golfer studied his second shot carefully and
planned to hit an eight iron with a slight hook. The ball would
bounce on the green twice, he said, and then dive into the hole,
which it did, for a double eagle.
"Beat that," he turned and said to his acquaintance.
"I already have," came the reply. "You hit the wrong ball."
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 01-19-2008, 02:29 AM:
Dave had tried to be particularly careful about his language as
he played golf with his preacher. But on the twelfth hole, when
he twice failed to hit out of a sand trap, he lost his resolve
and let fly with a string of expletives.
The preacher felt obliged to respond. "I have observed," he said
he in a calm voice, "that the best golfers do not use foul
language."
"I would think not," replied Dave, "What the hell would they have
to cuss about?"
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 01-19-2008, 02:30 AM:
A Yuppie was sent a ransom note saying that he was to bring
$50,000 to the 17th hole of the country club at 10 o'clock the
next day if he ever wanted to see his wife alive again.
He didn't arrive until almost 12:30. A masked man stepped out from
behind some bushes and growled, "What the hell took ya so long?
You're over two hours late."
"Hey! Give me a break." whined the Yuppie. "I have a 27 handicap."
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 01-19-2008, 02:31 AM:
Two men were playing golf together for the very first time. The
first player teed off and hit the ball into a clump of trees. He
finally got onto the fairway, only to hit the ball into a water
hazard. The next shot resulted in a new ball flying over a fence
onto a busy street. The second player said, "Maybe you should use
an old ball for this shot."
The first player replied, "I don't have any old golf balls."
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 01-19-2008, 02:31 AM:
Two Spanish detectives were investigating the murder of Juan
Gonzalez.
How was he killed?" asked one detective.
"With a golf gun," the other detective replied.
"A golf gun?! What is a golf gun, por favor?" asked the first.
"I'm not exactly sure. All I know is, it definitely made a hole
in Juan!"
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 01-19-2008, 02:32 AM:
A young man is playing golf with a priest. At a short, par 3 hole
the priest asks, "What are you going to use on this hole son?"
The young man replies, "An eight iron, father. How about you?"
The priest says, "I'm going to hit a soft seven and pray."
The young man hits his eight iron and puts the ball on the green.
The priest, well he doesn't fare so well. He tops his 7 iron and
dribbles the ball out only a few yards.
The young man says, "I don't know about you father, but in my
church when we pray, we keep our heads down."
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 01-19-2008, 02:33 AM:
Golf vs. Sex
You don't have to sneak your golf magazines into the house.
If you are having trouble with golf, it is perfectly acceptable to
pay a professional to show you how to improve your technique.
The Ten Commandments don't say anything about golf.
If your partner takes pictures or videotapes of you golfing, you
don't have to worry about them showing up on the Internet when
you become famous.
Your golf partner won't keep asking questions about other partners
you've golfed with.
It's perfectly normal to golf with a total stranger.
When you see a really good golfer, you don't have to feel guilty
about imagining the two of you golfing together.
If your regular golf partner isn't available, he/she won't object
if you golf with someone else.
Nobody will ever tell you that you will go blind if you golf by
yourself.
When dealing with a golf pro, you never have to wonder if they
are really an undercover cop.
You don't have to go to a sleazy golf shop in a seedy neighborhood
to buy golf stuff.
You can have a golf calendar on your wall at the office, tell golf
jokes, and invite co-workers to golf with you without getting sued
for harassment.
There is no such thing as a golf transmitted disease.
If you want to watch golf on television, you don't have to
subscribe to a premium cable channel.
Nobody expects you to promise to golf with just one partner for
the rest of your life.
Nobody expects you to give up golfing if your partner loses
interest in the game.
You don't have to be a newlywed to plan a vacation primarily for
the enjoyment of golf.
Your golf partner will never say, "What? We just golfed last
week! Is that all you ever think about?"
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 01-19-2008, 02:33 AM:
A distinguished clergyman and a friend were playing golf. It was
a very close match, and at the last hole the clergyman teed up,
addressed the ball, and swung his driver with great force. The
ball, instead of sailing down the fairway, merely rolled off the
tee and settled slowly some twelve feet away.
The clergyman frowned, glared, and bit his lip, grimaced, wrinkled
his brow, puffed up his cheeks, and blew out a mighty gust of air,
but said nothing. Absolutely nothing.
His opponent regarded him for a moment, then remarked "Father Bob,
that was the most profane silence I have ever witnessed."
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 01-19-2008, 02:34 AM:
It's good sportsmanship not to pick up lost balls while they are
still rolling.
-- Mark Twain
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 01-19-2008, 02:34 AM:
One of the advantages bowling has over golf is that you seldom
lose a bowling ball.
-- Don Carter, pro bowler
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 01-19-2008, 02:34 AM:
I've had a good day when I don't fall out of the cart.
-- Buddy Hackett
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 01-19-2008, 02:35 AM:
I know I am getting better at golf because I am hitting fewer
spectators.
-- Gerald Ford
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 01-19-2008, 02:35 AM:
Golf's three ugliest words still your shot.
-- Dave Marr
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 01-19-2008, 02:35 AM:
It took me seventeen years to get three thousand hits in baseball.
I did it in one afternoon on the golf course.
-- Hank Aaron
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 01-19-2008, 02:36 AM:
The reason the pro tells you to keep your head down is so you
can't see him laughing.
-- Phyllis Diller
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 01-19-2008, 02:36 AM:
I'm very lucky. If it wasn't for golf I don't know what I'd be
doing. And if my IQ had been two points lower, I'd have been a
plant somewhere.
-- Lee Trevino
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 01-19-2008, 02:36 AM:
I have a tip that can take 5 strokes off anyone's golf game. It is
called an eraser.
-- Arnold Palmer
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 01-19-2008, 02:36 AM:
Golf is a game whose aim is to hit a very small ball into an even
smaller hole, with weapons singularly ill-designed for the purpose.
-- Winston Churchill
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 01-19-2008, 02:37 AM:
Golf can best be defined as an endless series of tragedies obscured
by the occasional miracle.
-- Author Unknown
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 01-19-2008, 02:37 AM:
Tee your ball high...air offers less resistance than dirt.
- Jack Nicklaus
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 01-19-2008, 02:37 AM:
Why is it that when you tell yourself, "don't hit it in the water"
your body only seems to hear the word "water"?
-- Author Unknown
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 01-19-2008, 02:38 AM:
The trees taunt you; the sand mocks you; the water calls your
name...and they say golf is a quiet game.
-- Author Unknown
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 01-19-2008, 02:38 AM:
Golf's a hard game to figure. One day you'll go out and slice it
and shank it, hit into all the traps and miss every green. The
next day you go out and, for no reason at all, you really stink.
-- Bob Hope
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 01-19-2008, 02:38 AM:
Only a stupid golfer throws his club behind him. The smart golfer
throws his club ahead so he can pick it up on the way to the next
hole.
-- Author Unknown
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 01-19-2008, 02:38 AM:
Corollary clubs don't float.
-- Author Unknown
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 01-19-2008, 02:39 AM:
He who has the fastest golf cart never has a bad lie.
-- Mickey Mantle
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 01-19-2008, 02:40 AM:
After another frustrating day out on the course, Bob was once
again sitting at the dinner table moaning about his lack of
playing ability.
"If only I had Tiger Woods' length," he cried.
"I know," his wife replied, who was by now becoming so sick at
having to listen to his carrying on day after day that she couldn't
sit quietly and take it anymore.
"If you only had Tiger Woods' length, if you only had Tiger Woods'
length. Let me tell you something, Buster, the only thing that
having Tiger Woods' length would mean to your game is that you'd
be able to hit the ball that much farther into the woods!"
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 01-19-2008, 02:40 AM:
One fine day, Jim and Bob are out golfing. Jim slices his ball
deep into a wooded ravine. He grabs his 8-iron and proceeds down
the embankment into the ravine in search of his ball.
The brush is quite thick, but Jim searches diligently and suddenly
he spots something shiny. As he gets closer, he realizes that the
shiny object is in fact an 8-iron in the hands of a skeleton lying
near an old golf ball.
Jim excitedly calls out to his golfing partner "Hey Bob, come here,
I got trouble down here."
Bob comes running over to the edge of the ravine and calls out
"What's the matter Jim?"
Jim shouts back in a nervous voice, "Throw me my 7-iron! I don't
think I can get out of here with an 8-iron."
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 01-19-2008, 02:41 AM:
A recent retiree was given a set of golf clubs by his co-workers.
Thinking he'd try the game, he asked the local pro for lessons,
explaining that he knew nothing whatever of the game. The pro
showed him the stance and swing, then said, "Just hit the ball
toward the flag on the first green."
The novice teed up and smacked the ball straight down the fairway
and onto the green, where it stopped inches from the hole.
"Now what?" the fellow asked the speechless pro.
"Uh... you're supposed to hit the ball into the cup" the pro
finally said, once he was able to speak again.
"Oh great!", the beginner replied, "NOW you tell me!"
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 01-19-2008, 02:41 AM:
"Bob, why don't you play golf with John anymore?" asked a friend.
"Would you play golf with a guy who moved the ball with his foot
when you weren't watching?" Bob asked.
"Well, no," admitted the friend.
"Neither will John," replied Bob.
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 01-19-2008, 02:42 AM:
O'Brian loved to play golf and would go out alone to a course and
get paired up with any group that needed a fourth. One day he
went to his favorite course and the pro said, "I'm sorry O'Brian,
but the only group I can put you with is one with three Hassidic
rabbis."
O'Brian says, "That's fine with me."
He joins the group and tees off. His shot is about 200 yards out
and off to the right rough. Reb Moshe tees off 300 yards straight
out into the middle of the fairway. Reb Yitzchak's shot is about
290 and Reb Yaacov's is 300, but slightly off center. O'Brian has
trouble getting out of the rough and four-putts, while the rabbis'
approach shots are right on the pin, and each two-putts for par.
The rest of the round is the same, with the rabbi's scores either
par or under par, while O'Brian has a 95. He says to them, "You
guys must play and practice all the time."
Reb Yitzchak says, "No, we study all the time and only play once
a week. But, on our Sabbath, while we are in shul, we say a prayer
asking God to give us one good round of golf each week."
O'Brian is so impressed that he goes home and tells his wife that
they are converting. They study, convert, join a shul, and go to
services every Shabbat.
About a year later, O'Brian runs into the threesome of rabbis at
the same course and they invite him to play with them. The game is
exactly like last year's. O'Brian is doing nothing right, and the
three are perfect.
At the end, O'Brian says to the rabbis, "I don't understand it. I
converted, I joined a shul, pray every week."
Rabbi Moshe says, "You joined a shul? Which one?"
O'Brian says, "Beth Shalom."
Rabbi Moshe says, "No, no, no! Beth Shalom is for TENNIS!"
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 01-19-2008, 02:43 AM:
"That's it!" said the exasperated golfer to this insolent young
caddie. "I've had enough of your lip. When we get back to the
clubhouse, I'm going to report you directly to the caddie master."
"Ooooooh, I'm so worried," responded the little brat.
"You'd better worry," said the golfer.
"And why should I worry," said the kid. "At the rate you play, by
the time we get back, it'll be time for me to retire."
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 01-19-2008, 02:43 AM:
A man comes home from work and is greeted by his wife dressed in
a teddy.
"Tie me up," she purrs, "and you can do anything you want."
So he tied her up and went out for a round of golf.
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 01-19-2008, 02:44 AM:
After Sunday service a young couple talked to me about joining the
church. I hadn't met the husband before, and I asked what church
he was transferring from.
A little sadly, he replied, "I am transferring from the Municipal
Golf Course."
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 01-19-2008, 02:44 AM:
Truisms Of Golf.....
When you stop to think about it, did you ever notice that it's a
lot easier to get up at 600 A.M to play golf than at 1000 to mow
the yard?
Golf is, far and away, the ultimate love/hate relationship.
Sometimes it seems as though your cup moveth over.
It takes longer to learn good golf than it does brain surgery. On
the other hand, you seldom get to ride around on a cart, drink
beer and eat hot dogs while performing brain surgery.
A good drive on the 18th hole has stopped many a golfer from giving
up the game.
Water hazards are no walk in the park for fish, turtles and frogs,
either.
Golf is the perfect thing to do on Sunday because you always end
up praying a bunch.
A good golf partner is one who's always just slightly worse than
you are.
That rake by the sand trap is there for golfers who feel guilty
about skipping out on lawn work.
If there's a storm rolling in, you'll be having the game of your
life. Trust me!
Golf balls are like eggs. They're white, sold by the dozen, and a
week later you have to buy more.
A pro-shop gets its name from the fact that you have to have the
income of a professional golfer to buy anything in there.
It's amazing how a golfer who never helps out around the house
will replace his divots, repair his ball marks, and rake his sand
traps.
If your opponent has trouble remembering whether he shot a six or
a seven, he probably shot an eight.
You probably wouldn't look good in a green jacket anyway! A
sweatshirt will do just fine.
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 01-19-2008, 02:45 AM:
Two men are talking at work Monday morning. "What did you do
this weekend?"
"Dropped hooks into water."
"Fishing, eh?"
"No, golfing."
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 01-19-2008, 02:45 AM:
RATED R
An older couple are playing in the annual golf club championship.
They are playing in a playoff hole and the championship comes
down to a 6 inch putt which the wife has to make. The woman is
trembling as she takes her stance. Then, she putts and......
misses.
They lose the match.
On the way home in the car, the woman's husband is fuming, "I
cannot believe you missed that putt! That putt was no longer than
my dick!"
The woman looks over at her husband, smiles and replies, "Yes
dear, but it was much, much harder...!"
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 01-19-2008, 02:46 AM:
A wife and husband both talked in their sleep.
She loved auctions; his hobby was golf.
The other night, the golfer yelled, "Fore!"
His wife yelled back, "Four Fifty!"
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 01-19-2008, 02:46 AM:
An 80 year old man went to the doctor for a checkup and the
doctor was amazed at what good shape the guy was in. The doctor
asked, "To what do you attribute your good health?"
The old timer said, "I'm a golfer and that's why I'm in such good
shape. I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and down
the fairways."
The doctor said, "Well, I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be
more to it. How old was your dad when he died?"
The old timer said, "Who said my dad's dead?"
The doctor said, "You mean you're 80 years old and your dad's still
alive? How old is he?"
The old timer said, "He's 100 yrs old and, in fact, he golfed with
me this morning, and that's why he's still alive, he's a golfer."
The doctor said, "Well, that's great, but I'm sure there's more
to it. How about your dad's dad? How old was he when he died?"
The old timer said, "Who said my grandpa's dead?"
The doctor said, "You mean you're 80 years old and your
grandfather's still living? How old is he?"
The old timer said, "He's 118 yrs old."
The doctor was getting frustrated at this point and said, "I guess
he went golfing with you this morning too?"
The old timer said, "No. Grandpa couldn't go this morning because
he got married."
The Doctor said in amazement, "Got married?! Why would a 118-year-
old guy want to get married?"
The old timer said, "Who said he wanted to?"
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 01-19-2008, 02:47 AM:
Golf is like marriage If you take yourself too seriously it won't
work...and both are expensive.
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 01-19-2008, 02:47 AM:
Golf can best be defined as an endless series of tragedies
obscured by the occasional miracle.
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 01-19-2008, 02:47 AM:
The interesting thing about golf is that no matter how badly you
play; it is always possible to get worse.
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 01-19-2008, 02:48 AM:
On the golf course most men forget how to count. I golfed with an
old high school buddy this weekend, and while I remember he was
never any good at math, he made counting in single digits look
harder than quantum physics.
I was waiting on the green for five minutes, watching him hit his
ball from one sand trap to another. When we finally finished the
hole I asked him what he scored.
"Seven," he said.
"Wow," I replied, "I got a seven, too... And my seven only had
half as many swings as yours."
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 01-20-2008, 02:54 AM:
RATED R
A couple was golfing one day on a very, very exclusive golf course, lined with million
dollar houses. On the third tee the husband said, "Honey, be very careful when you drive
the ball don't knock out any windows. It'll cost us a fortune to fix."
The wife teed up and shanked it right through the window of the biggest house on the course.
The husband cringed and said, "I told you to watch out for the houses. Alright, let's go up
there, apologize and see how much this is going to cost."
They walked up, knocked on the door, and heard a voice say, "Come on in." They opened the
door and saw glass all over the floor and a broken bottle lying on its side in the foyer. A
man on the couch said, "Are you the people that broke my window?"
"Uh, yeah. Sorry about that." the husband replied.
"No, actually I want to thank you. I'm a genie that was trapped for a thousand years in that
bottle. You've released me. I'm allowed to grant three wishes- I'll give you each one wish,
and I'll keep the last one for myself."
"OK, great!" the husband said. " I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."
"No problem-it's the least I could do. And you, what do you want?" the genie said, looking at
the wife.
"I want a house in every country of the world," she said.
"Consider it done." the genie replied.
"And what's your wish, genie?", the husband said.
"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, I haven't had sex with a woman in a thousand
years. My wish is to sleep with your wife."
The husband looks at the wife and said, "Well, we did get a lot of money and all those houses,
honey. I guess I don't care." The genie took the wife upstairs and ravished her for two hours.
After it was over, the genie rolled over, looked at the wife, and said, "How old is your
husband, anyway?"
"35." she replied.
"And he still believes in genies?....That's amazing."
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 01-20-2008, 02:56 AM:
RATED PG
Two friends were playing golf when one pulled out a cigar but he didn't
have a lighter so he asked his friend if he had one.
"I sure do," he replied and reached into his golf bag and pulled out a
foot-long BIC lighter.
"Wow!" said his friend, "where did you get that monster."
"I got it from my genie."
"You have a genie," he asked?
"Yes, he's right here in my golf bag."
"Could I see him?"
He opens his golf bag and out pops the genie. The friend says, "I'm a
good friend of your master. Will you grant me one wish?"
"Yes I will," the genie said so he asks him for a million bucks and the
genie hops back into the golf bag and leaves him standing there waiting
for his million bucks.
Suddenly the sky begins to darken and the sound of a million ducks flying
overhead is heard.
The friend tells his golfing partner, "I asked for a million bucks, not
ducks!"
His friend answers, "I forgot to tell you the genie is hard of hearing.
Do you really think I asked him for a 12 inch BIC?"
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 01-20-2008, 02:58 AM:
RATED PG
Two men were having an awfully slow round of golf because the two
ladies in front of them managed to get into every sand trap, lake, and
rough on the course. They didn't bother to wave the men on through,
which is proper golf etiquette.
After two hours of waiting and waiting, one man said, "I think I'll
walk up there and ask those gals to let us play through." He
walked out the fairway, got halfway to the ladies, stopped, turned
around, and came back, explaining, "I can't do it. One of those
women is my wife and the other is my mistress. Maybe you'd better
go talk to them."
The second man walked toward the ladies, got halfway there and, just
as his partner had done, stopped, turned around and walked back. He
smiled sheepishly and said, "Small world."
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 01-20-2008, 02:59 AM:
RATED R
There was an attractive young lady playing a round with three men and she
was having a great game. Upon completion of the game she got a lift from
one of group she played with. She was so happy with her game that she
became quite friendly towards her driver and gave him a blow job.
Quite happy with this turn of events, he made arrangements with her to play
a few more rounds. Each round they played her game improved, and she
reciprocated with more blow jobs.
Finally the fellow said "Why don't we change our routine a bit, and have all
out, raunchy sex?"
She replied, "That's not possible, for you see, I'm a transvestite."
"You're WHAT? A transvestite? And you've been playing from the lady's tees?"
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 01-20-2008, 02:59 AM:
Rules for Golf:
A ball you can see in the rough 50 yards away is not yours.
The less skilled the player is, the more likely he is to share his golf swing.
If you really want to get better at golf, take it up at an earlier age.
A golf match is a test of your skill against your opponent's luck.
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 01-20-2008, 03:00 AM:
RATED PG
Once the club duffer challenged the local golf pro to a match, with a
$100 bet on the side. "But," said the duffer, "since you're obviously
much better than I, to even it a bit you have to spot me two 'gotchas'."
The golf pro didn't know what a 'gotcha' was, but he went along with it.
And off they went.
Coming back to the 19th hole, the rest of the club members were amazed
to see the golf pro paying the duffer $100.
"What happened?" asked one of the members.
"Well," said the pro, "I was teeing up for the first hole, and as I
brought the club down, the jerk stuck his hand between my legs and
grabbed my balls while yelling 'Gotcha!' Have you ever tried to play 18
holes of golf waiting for the second 'gotcha'?"
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 01-20-2008, 03:01 AM:
Two blondes were playing golf at a foggy par three, and could see the
flag, but not the green. Each hit their ball anyway. When they walked
to the green, they discovered one about three feet from the cup, while
the other somehow had gone directly in.
They tried to figure out which ball belonged to who, since they were
both using Titleist number threes. Unable to decide, they returned to
the Club House and asked the golf pro for a ruling. After hearing their
story and congratulating them both on their superb shots under such
adverse conditions he asked, "OK, so who was playing the yellow ball ?"
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 01-20-2008, 03:01 AM:
A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity; looking up,
looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and
speed. He was driving his partner nuts. Finally his exasperated partner
says, "What's taking so long? Hit the blasted ball!"
The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I
want to make this a perfect shot."
"Forget it, man. You don't stand a snowball's chance in hell of hitting
her from here!"
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 01-20-2008, 03:02 AM:
RATED PG
Three guys are playing golf early on a Sunday morning. Ahead of
them is a guy playing, and playing well, all by himself. As they all
finished the round the threesome went to the single player and asked
if he'd like to join them and make a foursome.
"Sure, said the player, I'll see you Sunday at 8 maybe 8:45."
Well next week the foursome got together at 8 and the new golfer in
the group shot left-handed and scorched the course with a 75. After
the round they all went to have something to eat and agreed to play
as a foursome the next Sunday. "You OK for next Sunday?" the three
asked their new partner. He said "Sure, see you at 8 maybe 8:45"
The next week they showed up and hit the course at 8 and the new
golfer shot right-handed and blew them all away with a 74. Afterward
they all went to get something to eat when one of the group asked
"You're incredible last week as a lefty and just as good this week as
a rghtie, what is it that makes you decide to shoot right or left?"
The golfer looked them in the eye and said "My wife." Well the group
was puzzled. He went on to say "I look at my wife as soon as I get
up every morning and if she is on her right side I shoot right, if
she's on her left side I shoot left."
The wise guy of the group said, "What if she's laying on her back?"
Then maybe I'll see you at 8:45."
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 01-20-2008, 03:03 AM:
RATED R
A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right
in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground.
When he finally gets himself to the doctor, he says, "How
bad is it doc? I'm getting married next week, and my fiancee
is still a virgin in every way."
The doc said , "I'll have to put your penis in a splint to let
it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay by next week."
So he took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little
4-sided bandage, and wired it all together; an impressive
work of art.
The guy mentions none of this to his girl. They get married,
and on the honeymoon night in their hotel room, she rips open
her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts. This was the
first time he saw them, believe it or not.
She says, "You'll be the first, no one has ever touched these
breasts yet."
He whips down his pants and says, "Look at this, it's still in
the CRATE !"
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 01-20-2008, 03:04 AM:
After a really terrible round of golf the player said,
"I think I'll just go drown myself in the lake."
"I doubt you could keep your head down that long."
said his caddy.
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 01-20-2008, 03:05 AM:
RATED PG-13
A foursome is waiting at the mens tee when another foursome of ladies
are hitting from the ladies tee. The ladies are taking their time and
when finally the last one is ready to hit the ball she hacks it about 10
feet, goes over to it, hacks it another ten feet and looks up at the men
waiting and says apologetically, "I guess all those f**king lessons I took
this winter didn't help!"
One of the men immediately replies, "No, I see your problem, you should
have been taking golf lessons instead."
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 01-20-2008, 03:06 AM:
Are You A Golf Nut?
Here are 20 ways to tell:
1. Your idea of a good time is staying home and watching the British Open
on a Saturday night.
2. You curse the game only to play it the next day.
3. You haven't puked from seeing the same faces regularly for four and half
hours.
4. You see your drive ahead of everyone else and talk about it for a week.
5. You secretly wish evil on your flightmates.
6. A golf store has a magnetic effect on your walk.
7. You cringe when your better half asks you if you have anything to do on
Sunday.
8. Your golf attire becomes your everyday wear.
9. Your toilet seat gets covered with a stack of golf books and magazines.
10. You make small practice swings inside the church while hearing mass.
11. You get burned by the sun and you're proud of it.
12. You can open a video store with the number of golf tapes you own.
13. Ten inches of rain has no effect on your decision to play.
14. When your caddy says he sees lightning, your reply is "what lightning?"
15. You go to the practice range and tries to give golf tips to the person on
the next stall.
16. Your bumper sticker reads: MY OTHER CAR IS A GOLF CART.
17. People in your family gets their supply of suntan lotion from you when
they go swimming.
18. A day at the beach means you hit too many sand traps.
19. Your spouse complains because you try to bring your clubs to bed, (to keep
them warm, dry, and safe, of course) demanding that you choose between them
and the clubs....And you hesitate before answering.
20. You took the time to read this.
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 01-20-2008, 03:07 AM:
I think that I shall never see
a hazard rougher than an tree;
A tree o'er which my ball must fly
if on the green it is to lie;
A tree which stands that green to guard,
and makes the shot extremely hard;
A tree whose leafy arms extend
to kill the six iron shot I send;
A tree that stands in silence there,
while angry golfers rave and swear.
Irons were made for fools like me
who cannot ever miss a tree.
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 01-20-2008, 03:08 AM:
A Texas millionaire had fallen ill. Doctors consulted did not seem to
understand what ailed him. The millionaire let it be known that any
doctor who could heal him could have whatever he desired.
A country doctor was able to cure him and as the doctor was leaving
after a week's stay, the Texan said, "Doc! I am a man of my word. You
name it and if it is humanly possible I'll get it for you."
"Well," said the doctor, "I love to play golf, so if I could have a
matching set of golf clubs that would be fine."
With that the doctor left. The doctor didn't hear from the Texan
millionaire for some months. Then one day he got a phone call from the
millionaire.
"Doc, I bet you thought that I had gone back on my word. I have your
matching set of golf clubs. The reason it took so long is that two of
them didn't have swimming pools and I didn't think they were good
enough for ya. So I had pools installed and they're all ready for you
now!"
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 01-20-2008, 03:09 AM:
RATED PG
Where am I? How did I get here? Why does my head hurt?
You're in a hospital, sir. I'm with the police. We weren't sure you
were going to wake up. You had a golf club wrapped around your neck.
Just tell us everything you remember.
Well, I was teaching my wife golf. Of course, I won every hole. But
on the little par 3, 17th hole, we both hit right to the green, and we
both putted right to the pin.
When I walked to the flag, I saw one putt had overshot, but the other
ball had apparently sunk. I didn't know whose it was, so I pulled
the flag, looked in, saw it was her Spalding in there, and I said,
"Looks like your hole, dear." That was the last thing I remember.
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 01-20-2008, 03:10 AM:
A father spoke to his son, "It's time we had a little talk, my son. Soon, you
will have urges and feelings you've never had before. Your heart will pound
and your hands will sweat. You'll be preoccupied and won't be able to think
of anything else."
He added, "But don't worry, it's perfectly normal... it's called golf."
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 01-20-2008, 03:11 AM:
"Dennis, how come you're using two caddies today?"
"My wife tells me that I don't spend enough time with my kids."
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 01-20-2008, 03:11 AM:
Sid and Barney head out for their usual 9 holes. Sid offers Barney, "Let's say
we make the time worth the while, at least for one of us, and spot $5 on the
lowest score for the day."
Barney agrees, and they enjoy a great game. After the 8th hole, Barney is ahead
by one stroke, but cuts his ball into the rough on the 9th.
"Help me find my ball. You look over there," he says to Sid.
After five minutes, neither has had any luck. A lost ball carries a four-point
penalty, so Barney pulls a ball from his pocket and tosses it to the ground.
"I've found my ball!" he announces triumphantly.
Sid looks at him forlornly, "After all the years we've been friends, you'd
cheat me on golf for a measly five bucks?!?"
"What do you mean, 'cheat'? I found my ball sitting right here!"
"And a liar, too!!!" Sid says with amazement. "I'll have you know I've been
standing on your ball for the last five minutes!"
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 01-20-2008, 03:12 AM:
One day, a scotsman went playing golf. After standing a while on the
green he asked the boy standing beside him
"You are my caddie for today?"
"Yes," answered the boy.
"You are good in finding lost balls?"
"Oh yes, I find every lost ball!"
"Ok, boy, then run and search for one, then we can start!"
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 01-20-2008, 03:13 AM:
The man who takes up golf to get his mind off his work soon takes up work
to get his mind off golf
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 01-20-2008, 03:13 AM:
There are three ways to improve your golf game take lessons, practice
constantly -- or start cheating.
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 01-20-2008, 03:13 AM:
Golf got its name because all of the other four letter words were taken!
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 01-20-2008, 03:14 AM:
A recent retiree was given a set of golf clubs by his co-workers. Thinking he'd
try the game, he asked the local pro for lessons, explaining that he knew
nothing whatever of the game. The pro showed him the stance and swing, then
said, "Just hit the ball toward the flag on the first green."
The novice teed up and smacked the ball straight down the fairway and onto the
green, where it stopped inches from the hole. "Now what?" the fellow asked the
speechless pro.
"Uh... you're supposed to hit the ball into the cup." the pro finally said,
once he was able to speak again.
"Oh great!", the beginner replied, "NOW you tell me!"
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 01-20-2008, 03:14 AM:
The uglier a man's legs are, the better he plays golf. It's almost a law.
-- H.G. Wells
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 01-20-2008, 03:17 AM:
A man was about to tee off on the golf course when he felt a tap on his
shoulder. A man handed him a card that read "I am a deaf mute. May I play
through, please?"
The 1st man angrily gave the card back, and communicated that "No, he could
NOT play through!" The first man whacked his ball onto the green and left to
finish the hole. Just as he was about to make his putt, he was hit in the head
by a golf ball, laying him out cold.
When he came to a few minutes later, he looked around and there was the deaf guy
looking at him. One hand on his hip, the other hand holding up four fingers!
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 01-20-2008, 03:17 AM:
Wife: Okay, today's Friday. Where's your pay envelope?
Husband: I already spent all my pay. I bought something for the house after
my round of golf.
Wife: What? What could you buy for the house that cost $480?
Husband: Eight rounds of drinks.
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 01-20-2008, 03:18 AM:
Two longtime golfing buddies got to the course one day and decided that today
they would play the ball where it lies... "No matter what!"
On the 14th hole, one of them sliced his ball and it ended up on the cart path.
As he reached down to pick up his ball to get relief, his friend said, "Wait a
minute! We agreed that we would not improve our lies! Remember? No matter what!"
The first player tried to explain that he was entitled to this relief -- that
it was in the rules of golf. But the second fellow would not allow it. Finally,
in disgust, the man went to the cart and grabbed a club. As he stood near his
ball, he took a few practice swings, each time scraping the club on the
pavement and sending out showers of sparks.
Finally, he took his shot. The club hit the cement again, sparks went flying,
but his ball shot straight towards the green, landed and rolled to a stop --
two inches from the cup.
"Great shot!" his friend exclaimed. "What club did you use?"
The man answered with a wry smile.
"Your 7-iron!"
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 01-20-2008, 03:18 AM:
The golfer had lost his ball and was a little annoyed with his caddy. "Why the
hell didn't you watch where it went?" he asked.
"Well sir," said the boy, "it don't usually go anywhere, so when you did hit
the ball, it sort of caught me by surprise!"
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 01-20-2008, 03:19 AM:
Golf is not usually considered one of the more dangerous sports, but don't tell
Richard Passwater. While swinging at a ball in Laverne, California, Passwater
hit a fence which ripped off the head of his club. The impact knocked him off
balance, and he somehow managed to impale himself on the club shaft, through
his lower abdomen and out his back... how do you score that?
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 01-20-2008, 03:19 AM:
I over was talking with two of my coworkers last Monday morning at work.
"What did you do this weekend?", I asked Jim.
"Dropped hooks into water." he replied.
"Fishing, eh?"
"No, golfing."
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 01-20-2008, 03:19 AM:
A foursome of senior golfers hit the course with waning enthusiasm for the
sport. "These hills are getting steeper as the years go by," one complained.
"These fairways seem to be getting longer too," said one of the others.
"The sand traps seem to be bigger than I remember them too," said the third
senior.
After hearing enough from his Senior buddies, the oldest and wisest of the
four, at 87 years old, piped up and said, "Just be thankful we're still on the
right side of the grass!"
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 01-20-2008, 03:20 AM:
A man goes to his golf club and, hearing that his regular caddy will not be in
that day, hires another caddy. The day goes along pretty well and the new
caddy seems quite knowledgeable. Upon arriving at the 9th fairway, (which has
always been particularly tricky for the golfer), the man turns to the boy and
asks, "Which club do you think I should use for this shot?"
The caddy says, "Sir, I know this golf course very well. The best club for this
fairway is the five iron."
The golfer gets out his five iron, lines up his shot, and hits the ball. He
smacks it really hard and it veers way off to the right where his wife happens
to be standing. It hits her in the head and she is killed instantly.
Months go by after his wife's funeral, and the man still can't think about golf.
But after a year, he thinks, "I really loved the game. I shouldn't let it go out
of my life. It was a freak accident. The game gave me such joy, I should at
least try to play once more and see how it feels."
He goes back to the golf course, and as luck would have it, he gets the same
caddy as last time. When they get to the 9th fairway, he turns to his caddy and
says, "Which club do you think I should use?"
The caddy says, "Sir, I know this golf course very well. The best club for this
fairway is the five iron."
The man turns to the caddy and shouts, "You idiot! I played here a year ago and
you told me to use the five iron and I completely missed the green!!!"
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 01-20-2008, 03:20 AM:
About four or five years ago I was standing in a ticket line at
LAX, and a fellow in a line parallel to mine had a golf bag slung
over his shoulder. Since the line was long and airline ticketing
is a slow process at best, we struck up a conversation. He
brightened when I admired his golf bag, and he proudly stated that
he was on the PGA Tour. Then he turned to me and asked the
question all golfers ask: "Do you play?"
I shook my head, "I used to, but I quit because I wasn't very
good. I shot consistently in the lower seventies."
There was a long, low in-take of breath, then "The lower
seventies?"
"Yes," I admitted.
"Consistently?" he queried admiringly.
"Every hole," I confessed.
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 01-20-2008, 03:21 AM:
Two really old guys decided that they would go out and try to play
a round of golf together. They get to the first tee and the first
old guy says to the second,
"Can you watch my ball for me?"
The second guy says, "Sure! I see fine. Go ahead and hit."
So the first old man steps up to the tee and really hits it. He
turns to his buddy and says, "Did you see it?"
"Sure!", says his buddy.
"Where did it go?", the first guy asks.
The second old man thinks for a minute and says, "I can't
remember."
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 01-20-2008, 03:21 AM:
RATED PG-13
A golfer was on vacation in Ireland and while playing he made a
hole-in-one. With that a leprechaun jumps out from the trees and
says, "I am the lucky leprechaun of the 13th hole. I'll grant you
any wish."
The player thought a bit and said, "Could you make me weeny a bit
larger?"
"Wish granted." says the leprechaun, as he skips away.
Well, by the time he got to the 14th tee it was showin' below his
shorts.
He continued his game and on the 15th hole it was draggin' along
behind him.
By the 18th he could hardly make it to the green.
He went straight to the pro shop and asked the pro how to fix it.
He was told that legend has it that you must go back and make
another ace and see the leprechaun again.
After purchasing five buckets of balls he made his way back to the
13th and frantically began hitting shot after shot until finally
he made the hole-in-one.
Again the leprechaun offered any wish.
The player asked, "Could ya make me legs a bit longer?"
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 01-20-2008, 03:23 AM:
A priest rushed from church one day to keep a golf date. He was
halfway down the first fairway, waiting to hit his second shot,
when he heard the familiar "FORE!" Seconds later a ball slammed
into his back.
Soon the golfer who had made the drive was on the scene to offer
his apologies. When the priest assured him that he was all right,
the man smiled. "Thank goodness, Father!" he exclaimed. "I've
been playing this game for forty years, and now I can finally tell
my friends that I've hit my first holy one!"
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 01-20-2008, 03:24 AM:
GOLF, n.
[1] a game that consists of a lot of walking, broken up by
disappointment and bad arithmetic.
[2] a game of opposites - the world's slowest people are ahead of
you and the fastest are behind.
[3] a colorful sport that keeps you on the green, in the pink
and financially in the red.
[4] a game which is allowed to be played on Sunday (under blue
laws) because it was not considered a game by the law, but a
form of moral effort.
[5] a game a lot like taxation - you drive hard to get to the
green and then you find yourself in a hole.
GOLF CART, n.
[1] A popular mode of transportation because, unlike a caddie, it
can neither count, criticize, nor snicker.
GOLFER, n.
[1] a person who yells "fore," takes six and puts down five;
[2] a guy who has the advantage over a fisherman - he doesn't
have to bring home anything when he brags he had a great day.
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 01-20-2008, 03:24 AM:
Upon sitting down for dinner this past Sunday, my 6-year-old
daughter Emma asked why the television was on in the adjacent
room.
I explained to her that I'd been watching the Redskins lose and
Tiger Woods win while she was taking a pre-dinner walk with her
grandmother.
Here's the conversation that followed:
Emma: "Daddy, is Tiger Woods the best golfer in the universe?"
Me: "Well, he's probably the best golfer in the world, and some
people think that he's the best golfer ever."
Emma: "Does he get a gigantic castle for his prize then?"
Me: "No, but he could probably buy one with all the money he
wins."
Emma: "How much does he win?"
Me: "Hmmm" (while trying to put it in terms she'd understand)
Emma: "Does he win enough to buy a house?"
Me: "Good question -- he could probably buy a new house EVERY
TIME he wins!"
Emma: "Daddy -- why don't YOU play golf?"
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 01-20-2008, 03:25 AM:
A proposed revision to the rules of golf is being sought in South
Florida which will replace the traditional call of "FORE".
Once a player has hit an errant shot he will be allowed to call
"GORE" while the ball is still in flight. He can then replace the
ball in the same spot and hit it again.
The player can do this until he is satisfied the ball is going
where he intended to hit it in the first place. This will cause
the time of play to be extended until such time the player can
claim the hole.
This revision is causing some consternation to the PGA but
proponents say it is only fair.
A recent test of this new rule was recently played out in an
exclusive club in Palm Beach County Florida and the first hole
only took 9 days to complete.
Note: There is another revision to these rules under
consideration whereby a "GORE" may be declared on a hole after
the game is finished.
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 01-20-2008, 03:25 AM:
A golfer took his tee shot and watched the ball sail into the
woods. His next shot went into a few trees. He tried again and
managed to hit the ball over the fairway and into more trees.
Finally, after several more shots, he ended up in a sand trap.
Throughout his ordeal, he was under the watchful eye of the local
golf pro.
"What club should I use on this shot?" he asked the pro.
"I don't know," the pro replied. "What game are you playing?"
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 01-20-2008, 03:26 AM:
A golfer went to see his doctor. He was suffering from major
stress syndrome. The doctor asked him if he played golf, to which
the golfer replied "I play at it, it's a very frustrating game,
but I love it".
The doctor told him that the next time he played, he should use
an imaginary ball. The golfer was a little embarrassed, but he
decided to give it a try.
The first golfer explained that his doctor had told him to play a
round of golf with an imaginary ball to relieve his stress, and it
was working. Well, of course, the second golfer said he had stress
and asked if it would be all right to play with an imaginary ball
also. The first golfer said "Sure!".
They now approach the 18th hole, short par 4, and both men are
tied to this point in their round. The second golfer teed his
imaginary ball, took a stroke, and started jumping up and down
shouting, "Ace! I win!".
The first golfer only turned to him, smiled, and said "No, I won..
That was my ball."
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 01-20-2008, 03:26 AM:
One day, John Smith decided to go to a new golf course where no
one knew him, just to get away and see if he could do better
elsewhere.
He hired a caddy to guide him around the course, and after another
day of slices, duff shots, misread putts and bad temper, he was
obviously upset.
He turned to the caddy and said, "You know I must be the worst
golfer in the world."
The caddy replied, "I think not sir, I have heard there is a guy
named John Smith from across town who is the worst player ever!"
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 01-20-2008, 03:27 AM:
Posted at a local golf club.
1. Back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart.
2. Form a loose grip.
3. Keep your head down.
4. Avoid a quick back swing.
5. Stay out of the water.
6. Try not to hit anyone.
7. If you are taking too long, please let others go ahead of you.
8. Don't stand directly in front of others.
9. Quiet please... while others are preparing to go.
10. Don't take extra strokes.
Very good. Now flush the urinal, go outside, and tee off!
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 01-20-2008, 03:27 AM:
The golfer's wife was in full flight. "If you ever spent a Sunday
with me instead of playing golf I swear I would drop dead," she
screamed.
"There's no point in trying to bribe me," replied her husband.
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 01-20-2008, 03:28 AM:
A country club didn't allow women on the golf course. Eventually,
there was enough pressure that they decided to allow women on the
course during the week. The ladies were satisfied with this
arrangement, formed a women's club and became very active.
After about 6 months, the club board received a letter from the
women's club complaining about the men, urinating on the golf
course.
Naturally, they just ignored the matter.
After another 6 months, they received another letter reminding
them of the previous letter and demanding action.
After due deliberation they sent the women a letter advising them
that they had been granted equal privileges!
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 01-20-2008, 03:28 AM:
An octogenarian who was an avid golfer moved to a new town and
joined the local Country Club. He went to the Club for the first
time to play but was told there wasn't anybody he could play
because they were already out on the course. He repeated several
times that he really wanted to play. Finally, the Assistant Pro
said he would play with him and asked how many strokes he wanted
for a bet.
The 80 year old said "I really don't need any strokes as I have
been playing quite well. The only real problem I have is getting
out of sand traps."
And he did play well. Coming to the par four 18th they were all
even. The pro had a nice drive and was able to get on the green
and 2-putt for a par.
The old man had a nice drive, but his approach shot landed in a
sand trap next to the green.
Playing from the bunker he hit a high ball which landed on the
green and rolled into the hole! Birdie, match and all the money!
The Pro walked over to the sand trap where his opponent was still
standing in the trap.
He said "Nice shot, but I thought you said you have a problem
getting out of sand traps?"
Replied the octogenarian, "I do. Please give me a hand."
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 01-20-2008, 03:29 AM:
RATED PG
Roger and Charlie emerged from he clubhouse to tee off at the
first hole, but Roger looked distracted.
"Anything the matter?" Charlie asked.
"Na, it's just that I can't stand the club pro," Roger replied.
"He's just been trying to correct my stance."
"He's only trying to help your game," Charlie soothed.
"Yeah, but I was using the urinal at the time."
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 01-20-2008, 03:29 AM:
A teacher was taking her first golf lesson. "Is the word spelled
P-U-T or P-U-T-T?" she asked the instructor."
P-U-T-T is correct," he replied." P-U-T means to place a thing
where you want it. And P-U-T-T means a vain attempt to do the
same thing."
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 01-20-2008, 03:30 AM:
Two couples went out golfing together. The men hit first from the
men's tee and walked with the ladies to their tee box.
The first lady took a mighty swing at the ball, missing it
completely, while passing some gas rather loudly in the process.
No one commented.
She addressed the ball again but this time she passed just little
gas as she made contact with the ball, topping it and moving it
only a short distance.
She said, "I wonder why it didn't go any further?"
One of the men said, "I don't think you gave it enough gas!"
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 01-20-2008, 03:30 AM:
A business executive had retired and was discussing the joys of
his new leisure time. During the conversation he remarked that he
had been compelled to give up skiing, a sport he had enjoyed for
many, many years.
"Afraid of injuries?" asked a friend.
"Well, now I am," he responded. "Before I could drag a cast into
work and still do my job, but now I'd be messing up my golf game!"
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 01-20-2008, 03:31 AM:
RATED PG
The mistress of an English manor had just hired a new house maid,
an Irish lass, straight out of the country.
The first day she was dusting in the Smoking room where the Master
of the house sat reading. On the mantel, she saw and dusted a small
bowl containing a couple of small round white balls. She, being
curious and not bashful, asked, "What are these?"
He looked up, saw where she was pointing, and answered, "Golf
balls."
She said, "Oh!", and went on dusting.
A few days later, she was dusting again in the same room, where
the master was again reading. Again, in the same bowl were small
white balls, only now there were four. "I see you shot another
Golf," she said.
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 01-20-2008, 03:32 AM:
Standing on the tee of a relatively long par three, a confident
golfer said to his caddy, "Looks like a four-wood and a putt to
me."
The caddy suggested that he instead play it safe and hit a 4-iron,
then a wedge.
The golfer was insulted and proceeded to scream and yell at the
caddy telling him that he was a better golfer than that and how
dare he under-estimate his game!
Giving in the caddy handed the gentleman the four-wood he had
asked for.
He then proceeded to top the ball and watched as it rolled about
fifteen yards off the front of the tee.
Immediately the caddy handed him his putter and said, "And now
for one hell of a putt..."
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 01-20-2008, 03:32 AM:
Female Golfing Terms
CADDY
2 women talking about a 3rd who isn't there to defend herself.
CHIPPING
Time to get our nails done again.
DOUBLE BOGIE
"Casablanca" followed by "African Queen."
FAIRWAY
Splitting the bill when the girls go to lunch.
GOOD LIE
Weight on our driver's license.
GREENS
Lunch we eat when we'd really love a cheeseburger.
HOLE-IN-ONE
Time to get new pantyhose.
IRON
What guys need to learn to do their own shirts.
ROUGH
Getting a guy to understand, well, pretty much anything.
SHAFT
You watch the kids while he gets to go golfing.
SLICE
"No thanks. . .just a sliver."
TEES
Putting on that Victoria Secret Negligee.
WATER HAZARD
Giving the kids too much to drink before a road trip.
WEDGE
Bathing suit that's too tight.
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 01-20-2008, 03:33 AM:
A buddy and I were golfing one afternoon and getting somewhat
bored with the round,. So when we came upon a water hazard with
two ducks sitting quietly on the water, I bet him ten bucks he
couldn't hit a duck. And I further bet another five dollars that
he couldn't even get one to move.
Being a guy, he took the bet.
He proceeded to launch four tee shots toward the ducks.
Nothing.
He then threw two balls at them by hand.
The ducks never moved.
Only after he lost six more golf balls did he realize the ducks
were decoys!
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 01-20-2008, 03:33 AM:
RATED PG
A man and his friend meet at the club house and decide to play a
round of golf together. The man has a little dog with him and on
the first green, when the man holes out a 20 foot putt, the little
dog starts to yip and stands up on its hind legs.
The friend is quite amazed at this clever trick and says, "That
dog is really talented! What does he do if you miss a putt?"
"Somersaults," says the man.
"Somersaults?!" says the friend, "That's incredible. How many does
he do?"
"Well," says the man. "That depends on how hard I kick him in the
ass."
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 01-20-2008, 03:34 AM:
On the golf course most men forget how to count. I golfed with an
old high school buddy this weekend, and while I remember he was
never any good at math, he made counting in single digits look
harder than quantum physics.
I was waiting on the green for five minutes, watching him hit his
ball from one sand trap to another. When we finally finished the
hole I asked him what he scored.
"Seven," he said.
"Wow," I replied, "I got a seven, too... And my seven only had
half as many swings as yours."
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 01-20-2008, 03:34 AM:
Golf is like marriage If you take yourself too seriously it won't
work...and both are expensive.
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 01-20-2008, 03:34 AM:
Golf can best be defined as an endless series of tragedies
obscured by the occasional miracle.
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 01-20-2008, 03:34 AM:
The interesting thing about golf is that no matter how badly you
play; it is always possible to get worse.
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 01-20-2008, 03:35 AM:
An 80 year old man went to the doctor for a checkup and the
doctor was amazed at what good shape the guy was in. The doctor
asked, "To what do you attribute your good health?"
The old timer said, "I'm a golfer and that's why I'm in such good
shape. I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and down
the fairways."
The doctor said, "Well, I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be
more to it. How old was your dad when he died?"
The old timer said, "Who said my dad's dead?"
The doctor said, "You mean you're 80 years old and your dad's still
alive? How old is he?"
The old timer said, "He's 100 yrs old and, in fact, he golfed with
me this morning, and that's why he's still alive, he's a golfer."
The doctor said, "Well, that's great, but I'm sure there's more
to it. How about your dad's dad? How old was he when he died?"
The old timer said, "Who said my grandpa's dead?"
The doctor said, "You mean you're 80 years old and your
grandfather's still living? How old is he?"
The old timer said, "He's 118 yrs old."
The doctor was getting frustrated at this point and said, "I guess
he went golfing with you this morning too?"
The old timer said, "No. Grandpa couldn't go this morning because
he got married."
The Doctor said in amazement, "Got married?! Why would a 118-year-
old guy want to get married?"
The old timer said, "Who said he wanted to?"
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 01-20-2008, 03:35 AM:
Eighteen holes of match play will teach you more about your foe
than 18 years of dealing with him across a desk.
~ Grantland Rice
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 01-20-2008, 03:36 AM:
If profanity had an influence on the flight of the ball, the game
of golf would be played far better than it is.
~ Horace G. Hutchinson
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 01-20-2008, 03:36 AM:
Man blames fate for other accidents, but feels personally
responsible when he makes a hole in one.
~ Author Unknown
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 01-20-2008, 03:36 AM:
It's good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while they
are still rolling.
~ Mark Twain
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 01-20-2008, 03:36 AM:
Don't play too much golf. Two rounds a day are plenty.
~ Harry Vardon
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 01-20-2008, 03:37 AM:
Golf and sex are the only things you can enjoy without being good
at them.
~ Jimmy DeMaret
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 01-20-2008, 03:37 AM:
May thy ball lie in green pastures - and not in still waters.
~ Author Unknown
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 01-20-2008, 03:37 AM:
The difference in golf and government is that in golf you can't
improve your lie.
~ George Deukmejian
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 01-20-2008, 03:38 AM:
Golf appeals to the idiot and the child in us. Just how childlike
golfers become is proven by their frequent inability to count past
five.
~ John Updike
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 01-20-2008, 03:38 AM:
It is almost impossible to remember how tragic a place the world
is when one is playing golf.
~ Robert Lynd
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 01-20-2008, 03:38 AM:
They say golf is like life, but don't believe them. Golf is more
complicated than that.
~ Gardner Dickinson
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 01-20-2008, 03:38 AM:
If a lot of people gripped a knife and fork the way they do a golf
club, they'd starve to death.
~ Sam Snead
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 01-20-2008, 03:39 AM:
Golf is a day spent in a round of strenuous idleness.
~ William Wordsworth
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 01-20-2008, 03:39 AM:
If you drink, don't drive. Don't even putt.
~ Dean Martin
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 01-20-2008, 03:39 AM:
If you are going to throw a club, it is important to throw it
ahead of you, down the fairway, so you don't have to waste energy
going back to pick it up.
~ Tommy Bolt
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 01-20-2008, 03:39 AM:
I don't say my golf game is bad, but if I grew tomatoes - they'd
come up sliced.
~ Author Unknown
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 01-20-2008, 03:39 AM:
My handicap? Woods and irons.
~ Chris Codiroli
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 01-20-2008, 03:40 AM:
The ardent golfer would play Mount Everest if somebody would put a
flagstick on top.
~ Pete Dye
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 01-20-2008, 03:40 AM:
I'm hitting the woods just great - but having a terrible time
getting out of them!
~ Author Unknown
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 01-20-2008, 03:40 AM:
The only time my prayers are never answered is on the golf course.
~ Billy Graham
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 01-20-2008, 03:40 AM:
If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong
golf ball.
~ Jack Lemmon
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 01-20-2008, 03:41 AM:
If I hit it right, it's a slice. If I hit it left, it's a hook. If
I hit it straight, it's a miracle.
~ Author Unknown
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 01-20-2008, 03:41 AM:
Golf is a game invented by the same people who think music comes
out of a bagpipe.
~ Author Unknown
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 01-20-2008, 03:42 AM:
A wife and husband both talked in their sleep.
She loved auctions; his hobby was golf.
The other night, the golfer yelled, "Fore!"
His wife yelled back, "Four Fifty!"
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 01-20-2008, 03:44 AM:
RATED PG-13
A father, son and grandson go out to the country club for their
weekly round of golf. Just as they reach the first tee, a beautiful
young blonde woman carrying her bag of clubs approaches them. She
explains that the member who brought her to the club for a round
of golf had an emergency which called him away and asks the trio
whether she can join them.
Naturally, the guys all agree. Smiling, the blonde thanks them and
says, "Look, fellows, I work in a topless bar as a dancer, so
nothing shocks me anymore. If any of you wants to smoke cigars,
have a beer, bet, swear or tell off-color stories or do anything
that you normally do when playing a round together, go ahead. But
I enjoy playing golf, consider myself pretty good at it, so don't
try to coach me on how to play my shots."
With that the guys agree to relax and invite her to drive first.
All eyes are fastened on her shapely behind as she bends to place
her ball on the tee. She then takes her driver and hits the ball
270 yards down the middle, right in front of the green.
The father's mouth is agape. "That was beautiful," he said.
The blonde puts her driver away and says, "I really didn't get
into it and I should have faded it a little."
After the three guys hit their drives and their second shots (she
was closest to the pin) the blonde takes out a nine iron and lofts
the ball within five feet of the hole.
The son says "damn, lady, you played that perfectly."
The blonde frowns and says, "it was a little weak. I've left a
tricky little putt."
After the son buries a long putt for a par, dad two putts for a
bogey and granddad overruns the green with his pitching wedge,
chips back and putts for a double bogey, the blonde taps in the
five-footer for a birdie.
The guys all congratulate her on her fine game. She puts her putter
back in the bag and says, "Thanks, but I really haven't played much
lately, and I'm a little rusty. "Maybe I'll really get into this
next drive."
Having the honors, she drives first on the second hole and knocks
the hell out of the ball, and it lands nearly 300 yards away smack
in the middle of the fairway. And for the rest of the round she
continues to amaze the guys, quietly and methodically shooting
for par or less on every hole.
When they get to the 18th green, the blonde is three under par,
but has a very nasty 12-foot putt on an undulating green for a par.
She turns to the three guys and says, "I really want to thank you
all for not acting like a bunch of chauvinists and telling me what
club to use or how to play a shot, but I need this putt for a 69
and I'd really like to break 70 on this course. If any one of you
can tell me how to make par on this hole, I'll take him back to
my apartment, pour some 25-year old Royal Salute Scotch in him,
fix him dinner and then show him a good time the rest of the
night."
The yuppie son jumps at the thought. He strolls across the green,
carefully eyes the line of the putt and finally says, "Honey, aim
about 6 inches to the right of the hole and hit it firm. It will
get over that little hump and break right into the cup."
The father kneels down and sights the putt using his putter as a
plumb. "Don't listen to the kid, darlin', you want to hit it softly
10 inches to the right and run it left down that little hogback,
so it falls into the cup."
The old gray haired grandfather walks over to the blonde's ball
on the green, picks it up and hands it to the her. "That's a
gimme, sweetheart. Your car or mine?"
So remember, age and treachery will triumph over youth and skill
every time!
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 01-20-2008, 03:44 AM:
Two women golfers are out on the course one day. The first woman
tees up her ball, swings, and watches as it takes off on a
90-degree angle.
It flies about 30 yards, hits a tree, bounces off a nearby cart
path, hits a house, flies of the house, and finally comes to rest
in the middle of the fairway.
"Hey!" says her friend, giving her a miffed look. "No fair! You've
been practicing!"
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 01-20-2008, 03:45 AM:
Sitting at a table in the clubhouse after a game, Rob said to a
fellow club member, "I'm not about to play golf with Barry Anders
anymore. He cheats."
"Why do you say that?"
"Well, he found his lost ball two feet from the green."
"That's possible."
"Not when I had it in my pocket!"
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 01-20-2008, 03:45 AM:
Taking advantage of a balmy day in New York, a priest and three
other men of the cloth swapped their clerical garb for polos and
khakis and time out on the golf course. After several really
horrible shots, their caddy asked, "You guys wouldn't be priests
by any chance?"
"Actually, yes, we are," one cleric replied. "How did you know?"
"Easy," said the caddy, "I've never seen such bad golf combined
with such clean language!"
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 01-20-2008, 03:46 AM:
Becky loved the golf game but was not very good at it. She was
out on the links one day, playing with her husband Don. As
usual, every time she swung at the ball, she made the earth
beneath it fly every which way! "My goodness, Don," she said,
blushing at her ineptitude, "I bet the worms think there's an
earthquake going on."
"Don't worry honey. The worms on this course are mighty smart.
My guess is that most of them are hiding beneath your golf ball
for safety!"
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 01-20-2008, 03:46 AM:
The Game Of Golf
Ever wonder why golf is growing in popularity and people who don't
even play go to tournaments or watch it on TV?
These truisms may shed light on reasons why.
Golf is an honorable game, with the overwhelming majority of
players being honorable people who don't need referees.
Golfers don't have some of there players in jail every week.
Golfers don't scratch their privates on the golf course.
Golfers don't kick dirt on, or throw bottles at, other people.
Professional golfers are compensated in direct proportion to how
well they play.
Golfers don't get per diem and two seats on a charter flight when
they travel between tournaments.
Golfers don't hold out for more money, or demand new contracts,
because of another player's deal.
Professional Golfers don't demand that the taxpayers pay for the
courses on which they play.
When golfers make a mistake, nobody is there to cover for them or
back them up.
The PGA Tour raises more money for charity in one year than the
National Football League does in two.
You can watch the best golfers in the world up close, at any
tournament, including the majors, all day, every day for $25 or
$30. The cost for a seat in the nosebleed section at the Super
Bowl will cost $300 or more.
You can bring a picnic lunch to the tournament golf course, watch
the best in the world and not spend a small fortune on food and
drink. Try that at one of the taxpayer funded baseball or
football stadium. I brought a Coke into Camden Yards last year,
and an usher came to my seat and told me I had to dispose of it,
or I would not be allowed to stay in the stadium.
In golf you cannot fail 70% of the time and make $9 million a
season, like the best baseball hitters (.300 batting average) do.
Golf doesn't change its rules to attract Fans.
Golfers have to adapt to an entirely new playing area each week.
Golfers keep their clothes on while they are being interviewed.
Golf doesn't have free agency.
In their prime, Greg Norman, Arnold Palmer and other stars, would
shake your hand and say they were happy to meet you; In his
prime Jose Canseco wore T-shirts that read "Leave Me Alone."
You can hear birds chirping on the golf course during a tournament.
Ladies are welcome players.
At a golf tournament, (unlike at taxpayer funded sports stadium
and arenas) you won't hear a steady stream of four letter words
and nasty name calling while you're hoping that no one spills
beer on you.
Tiger Woods can hit a golf ball three times as far as Bobby Bonds
can hit a baseball.
Golf Courses don't ruin the neighborhood.
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 01-20-2008, 03:47 AM:
A parish priest was invited to play golf with two friends. Although
he said his game was terrible, he went along anyway.
At the first tee, another golfer joined them to make a foursome.
So as not to make the stranger nervous, the priest insisted they
introduce him as "Ron." On the fourth hole, the other golfer
turned to Ron and asked him what he did for a living.
Confronted, Ron admitted that he was a Catholic priest.
"I knew it!" the stranger exclaimed. "The way you play golf and
don't swear, you had to be a priest!"
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 02-02-2008, 12:31 PM:
Rules for bedroom golf:
1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play. Normally one club and two
2) balls.
2. Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the holes.
3. Owner of the course must approve the equipment before play may begin.
4. For most effective play, the club must have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted
to check the shaft stiffness before play begins.
5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict the shaft length to avoid any damage to
the course.
6. Unlike out door golf, the goal is to get the club into the hole, while keeping the
balls out.
7. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as deemed necessary until the course
owner is satisfied that play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied
permission to play the course in the future.
8. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the
course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the entire course, with
special attention being given to the well formed bunkers.
9. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they may have played or currently
playing to the owner of the course being played. Upset course owners have been known to
damage a players equipment for this reason.
10. Players should assure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly
when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous players have been known to
become irate if they discover someone else playing what they consider to be a private course.
11. Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times. Some players may be
embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be
extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternate means of play
when this is the case. Players are encouraged to have proper rain gear along, just in case.
12. Players are advised to obtain the course owners permission before attempting to play the
back nine.
13. Slow play is encouraged, however, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace,
at least temporarily, at the request of the course owner.
14. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several
times in one match.
15. The course owner will be the sole judge as to who is the best player.
16. Players are advised to think twice before considering membership at a given course.
Additional assessments may be levied by the course owner, and the rules are subject to change.
For this reason many players prefer to continue to play several different courses.
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 02-02-2008, 12:32 PM:
The Golfing Priest
A gentleman was playing a round at his local course in Scotland, when he
overshot the green and landed near the course's fence.
As he prepared to hit out of the rough, he smelled something horrible.
Looking over the fence, he saw a decrepit old woman, stirring a cauldron.
"What are you brewing there?" he asked.
"It's a magic potion."
"What does it do?"
"It'll give you the ability to do one thing of your choice incredibly
well."
"Can I try some?"
"Sure, but I'm warning you: it has a nasty side effect. The potion could
drastically reduce your ability to have sex."
"Well, I'll take the chance." Drinking back the ladle of potion she
proferred, he voiced his wish to be the best golfer in the district.
Over the next several months, his game developed dramatically. He began
to win tournaments, and even had several people suggest he join the pro
tour.
At the beginning of the next season, he once again hit a ball into the
same area. When he got there, the hag was watching him, and called him
over.
"So, how's your golf game?"
"It's been great! I didn't even dream of playing this well. Thanks so
much!"
"Ah, but what about the side effect? Bet you're sorry about that."
"It hasn't been so bad, really."
"Oh really - how many times have you had sex in the last year?"
"About 6 or so."
"Ah! Ah! I told you the potion would reduce your ability to have sex.
Aren't you sorry you took the potion?"
"I don't know - I thought I was doing fairly well for a new parish
priest."
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 02-02-2008, 12:32 PM:
A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on
the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He
thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit. 9
Iron" The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. Again he hears
"Ribbit. 9 Iron." He looks at the frog and decides okay, let's see
what happens, puts his other club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom!
he hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog,
"Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?" The frog replies
"Ribbit. Lucky frog."
The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do
you think frog?" the man asks. "Ribbit. 3 wood." The guy takes out a
3 wood and Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know
what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of
golf in his life and asks the frog,"OK where to next?" The frog reply,
"Ribbit. Las Vegas."
They go to "Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?" The frog
says, "Ribbit Roulette." Upon approaching the roulette table, the man
asks, " What do you think I should bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit,
$3000,black 6."
Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golfgame, the
man figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across
them table. The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel.
He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you.
You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful." The frog replies,
"Ribbit, Kiss Me." He figures why not, since after all the frog did for
him he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15 year old
girl.
"And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room."
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 02-02-2008, 12:33 PM:
RATED R
A man and his new bride are on their honeymoon and just gettin ready to
consummate the marriage, when the new bride says " Honey I have a
confession to make." Now fearing the worst the groom readies himself
for bad news. She says "I'm not a virgin"
"Is that all?" he asks.
"Yes, but I have had sex with someone very famous" she replies.
"Who?"
"Tiger Woods"
The groom being an avid golfer, is surprisingly understanding and says
"that is okay honey, I still love you and I have no problem with that"
Well they both start a passionate love making session which lasts for
an hour. After he is satisfied he begins to get out of bed, and moves
towards the telephone. "what are you doing?" she asks.
"I thought I would order some room service"
"Tiger wouldn't do that"
"Oh" he says "and what would Tiger do?"
"He would get right back in here and fuck me some more!!" Well not to
be out done, he does just that. They screw for another hour, and again
he gets up to use the telephone.
"What are you doing?" she asks.
"I'm kinda hungry, I thought I would get some food" he says again
"Tiger wouldn't do that, he would get back in here and fuck me somemore!!"
Well he didn't want to be outdone so he did just that, and they fucked
again!! Now after some time he got out of bed again, and she said "Now
what? Are you going to order food again?"
"No" says he
"Then what are you doing?"
"I'm gonna call Tiger"
"Why?"
" I WANNA FIND OUT WHAT PAR IS FOR THIS FUCKING HOLE!!!"
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 02-02-2008, 12:33 PM:
RATED PG
A guy is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years.
One day, he sees a speck in the horizon. He thinks to himself,
"It's not a ship." The speck gets a little closer and he thinks,
"It's not a boat." The speck gets even closer and he thinks,
"It's not a raft." Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous
blonde woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She comes up
to the guy and she says, "How long has it been since you've had
a cigarette?"
"Ten years!" he says. She reaches over, unzips this waterproof
pocket in her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes.
He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, "Man, oh man!
Is that good!"
Then she asked, "How long has it been since you've had a drink of
whiskey?" He replies, "Ten years!" She reaches over, unzips her
waterproof pocket on the right, pulls out a flask and gives it to
him. He takes a long swig and says, "Wow, that's fantastic!"
Then she starts unzipping this long zipper that runs down the front
of her wet suit and she says to him, "And how long has it been
since you've played around?"
And the man replies, "My God! Don't tell me that you've got golf
clubs in there!"
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 02-02-2008, 12:34 PM:
Two overweight middle-aged men were both ordered by their physicians to get a
lot more exercise. They both took up golf and became partners. On their first
time out, the one man said to the other, "I don't have the energy to play
too long today."
The second shook his head in agreement and said, "OK, We'll quit as soon as either
of us makes a hole in one."
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 02-02-2008, 12:34 PM:
One little girl was bragging about her Father: "He must be one of the best golfers
ever. He gets to hit the ball more than any of the other men."
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 02-02-2008, 12:35 PM:
The duffer swung saying, "I'd move Heaven and Earth to break a hundred and twenty."
His companion watching the ball said, "Better work on Heaven. You've moved enough
earth already."
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 02-02-2008, 12:35 PM:
The golf pro walked over to a trio of ladies sitting in the clubhouse and asked,
"Would any of you like to learn to play good golf ?"
One woman said, "Maybe my friends would. I learned yesterday."
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 02-02-2008, 12:35 PM:
Two men were playing golf together for the very first time. The first player teed off
and hit the ball into a clump of trees. He finally got onto the fairway, only to hit
the ball into a water hazard. The next shot resulted in a new ball flying over a fence
onto a busy street.
The second player said, "Maybe you should use an old ball for this shot."
The first player looked at him and replied, "I don't have any old balls."
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 02-02-2008, 12:36 PM:
The Pope met with his cardinals to discuss a proposal from Benjamin
Netanyahu, the leader of Israel.
"Your Holiness" said one of the Cardinals, "Mr. Netanyahu wants to
challenge you to a game of golf to show the friendship and ecumenical
spirit shared by the Jewish and Catholic faiths."
The Pope thought is was a good idea, but he had never held a golf club
in his hand. "Have we not," he asked "a cardinal who can represent me
against the leader of Israel?"
"None that plays golf very well," a cardinal said. "But," he added,
"there is a man named Jack Nicklaus, an American golfer who is a devout
Catholic. We can offer to make him a cardinal; then ask him to play
Benjamin Netanyahu as your personal representative. In addition to
showing our spirit of cooperation, we'll also win the match."
Everyone agreed it was a good idea.
The call was made. Of course, Nicklaus was honored and agreed to play.
The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the
Pope of the result. "I have some good news and some bad news, Your
Holiness," said the world-class golfer.
"Tell me the good news first, Cardinal Nicklaus," said the Pope.
"Well, Your Holiness, I don't like to brag, but even though I've played
some pretty terrific rounds of golf in my life, this was the best I have
ever played, by far. I must have been inspired from above. My drives
were long and true, my irons were accurate and purposeful and my putting
was perfect. With all due respect, my play was truly miraculous."
"There's bad news?" the Pope asked.
Nicklaus sighed. "I lost to Rabbi Woods by three strokes."
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 02-02-2008, 12:36 PM:
A young man, an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one
afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get
in 9 holes before he had to head home. Just as he was about to tee off
an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany
the young man as he too was golfing alone. Not having any reason to say
no, he invited the old fellow to join him.
To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the
ball far, but moved along quite consistently and didn't waste time.
Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself
with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his
ball, directly between the ball and the green. After several minutes
of debating how to hit the shot the old man finally said, "You know,
when I was your age I played this course many, many times. Even had a
lie similar to yours. Back then, I hit the ball right over that tree."
With that challenge placed before him, the younger man gave it his best.
He took a mighty swing, hit the ball up, and right back down. He'd hit
it directly into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back to the
ground, not more than a foot from where it had originally been. Taking
a deep breath, he tried again. Same result. Another deep breath, another
try, same result. "Damn," he exclaimed, "How did you ever get the ball over
this freaking tree?"
The old man replied, "Well, when I was your age that pine tree was only about
3 feet tall."
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 02-02-2008, 12:37 PM:
Two guys are out one day golfing. One slices off to the right, one
hooks off to the left and they both go to retrieve their balls. The
guy on the right is hacking and hacking at the ball but just can't
lift it out of the buttercups. It has become lodged in. All of a
sudden, up from the ground comes Mother Nature and is she mad!
"What the hell are you doing to my beautiful buttercups?" she asks.
"I'm just trying to get my golf ball out of them, lady", replies the
golfer.
"Well, you are really making me mad. Just look what you've done to my
buttercups. For this I must punish you. Your punishment will be an
entire year without butter!!"
The golfer starts laughing hysterically.
"What in the hell do you think is so funny about no butter for a
year?" she screams at him.
"I'm not laughing about that - I'm laughing about my friend over there
whacking the hell out of your pussy willows!"
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 02-02-2008, 12:37 PM:
There were two men who played golf together frequently. One was several
strokes better than the other. The lesser player was very proud, and
never wanted to take any strokes to even up the game.
One Saturday morning, he shows up with a gorilla at the first tee. He
says to his friend, "I've been trying to beat you for so long that I'm
about ready to give up. But, I heard about this golfing gorilla, and I
was wondering if it would be alright if he plays for me today. In fact if
you're game, I'd like to try to get back all the money I've lost to you
this year. I figure comes to about a thousand bucks. Are you willing?"
The other guy thought about it for a minute, and then decided to play
the gorilla. "After all, how good could a gorilla be at golf?" he thought.
Well, the first hole was a straightaway par 4 of 450 yards. The guy hits
a beautiful tee shot, 275 yards down the middle, leaving himself a 6 iron
to the green. The gorilla takes a few powerful practice swings and then
laces the ball 450 yards, right at the pin, stopping about 6 inches away
from the hole.
The guy turns to his friend and says "That's incredible, I would have never
believed it if I hadn't seen it with my own eyes. But, you know what, I've
seen enough. I've got no interest in being totally humiliated by this
gorilla golfing machine. You send this frigging gorilla back to where he
comes from. I need a drink; better make it a double, and I'll write you
a check."
After handing over the check, and well into his second double the guy
asks, "By the way, how's that gorilla's putting?"
The other guy replies, "Same as his driving."
"That good, huh?"
"No, I mean, he hits putts the same way - 450 yards, right down the
middle!"
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 02-02-2008, 12:38 PM:
RATED R
A husband and wife love to golf together, but neither of them are
playing like they want to, so they decide to take private lessons.
The husband has his lesson first.
After the pro sees his swing, he says, "No, no, no, you're gripping
the club way too hard!"
"Well, what should I do?" asks the man.
"Hold the club gently," the pro replied, "just like you'd hold your
wife's breast."
The man takes the advice, takes a swing, and WOW! He hits the ball 250
yds. straight up the fairway.
The man goes back to his wife with the good news, and the wife can't
wait for her lesson.
The next day the wife goes for her lesson. The pro watches her swing
and says, "No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard."
"What can I do?" asks the wife.
"Hold the club gently, just like you'd hold your husband's penis.
"The wife listens carefully to the pro's advice, takes a swing, and
THUMP. The ball goes straight down the fairway . . . about 15 ft.
"That was great," the pro says. "Now, take the club out of your mouth
and swing the club like you're supposed to!" says the pro.
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 02-02-2008, 12:39 PM:
Top Ten Suggestions for Guys While Playing Golf (or Taking a Leak in
a Public Bathroom)
10. Back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart.
9. Form a loose grip.
8. Keep your head down.
7. Avoid a quick backswing.
6. Stay our of the water.
5. Try not to hit anyone.
4. If you are taking too long, please let others go ahead of you.
3. Don't stand directly in front of others.
2. Quiet please!... while others are preparing to go.
1. Don't take extra strokes.
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 02-02-2008, 12:39 PM:
Stevie Wonder and Jack Nicklaus are in a bar. Nicklaus turns to
Wonder and says: "How is the singing career going?"
Stevie Wonder says: "Not too bad, the latest album has gone into the
top 10, so all in all I think it is pretty good. By the way how's the
golf."
Nicklaus replies: "Not too bad, I am not winning as much as I used to
but I am still making a bit of money. I have had some problems with my
swing but I think I have got that right now."
Stevie Wonder says: "I always find that when my swing goes wrong I need
to stop playing for a while and not think about it, then the next time I
play it seems to be alright."
Jack Nicklaus says: "You play golf!"
Stevie Wonder says: "Yes, I have been playing for years."
And Nicklaus says: "But I thought you were blind, how can you play
golf if you are blind?"
He replies: "I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and
he calls to me, I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball
towards him, then when I get to where the ball lands the caddy moves to
the green or further down the fairway and again I play the ball towards
his voice."
"But how do you putt", says Nicklaus.
"Well", says Stevie, "I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole
and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball
towards his voice."
Nicklaus says: "What is your handicap."
Stevie says "Well I play off scratch."
Nicklaus is incredulous and he says to Stevie, "We must play a game some
time."
Wonder replies: "Well people don't take me seriously so I only play for
money, and I never play for less than $100,000 a hole."
Nicklaus thinks about it and says "OK, I'm up for that -- when would
you like to play?"
"I don't care -- any night next week is ok with me."
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 02-02-2008, 12:40 PM:
A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a couple
of strokes. The golfer says to himself: "I'd give anything to sink this next
putt."
A stranger walks up to him and whispers: "Would you give up a fourth of
your sex life?"
The golfer thinks the man is crazy and that his answer will be meaningless
but also that perhaps this is a good omen and will put him in the right frame
of mind to make the difficult putt and says, "OK."
And he sinks the putt.
Two holes later he mumbles to himself: "Boy, if I could only get an eagle on
this hole."
The same stranger moves to his side and says, "Would it be worth another
fourth of your sex life?"
The golfer shrugs and says, "Sure." And he makes an eagle.
Down to the final hole. The golfer needs yet another eagle to win.Though he
says nothing, the stranger moves to his side and says, "Would you be willing
to give up the rest of your sex life to win this match?"
The golfer says, "Certainly."
And he makes the eagle!
As the golfer walks to the club house, the stranger walks alongside and says,
"You know, I've really not been fair with you because you don't know who I
am. I'm the devil, and from now on you will have no sex life."
"Nice to meet you," says the golfer. "My name's Father O'Malley."
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 02-02-2008, 12:41 PM:
RATED PG
An American and a Scotsman were talking about playing golf during the various
seasons of the year. "In most parts of the USA, we cannot play in the winter
time. We have to wait until spring," the Yank said.
"Why, in Scotland, we can even play in the winter time. Snow and cold are
nae object to us," said the Scot.
"Well, what do you do; paint your balls black?" asked the Yank.
"Nae," said the Scot. "We just put on an extra sweater or two."
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 02-02-2008, 12:41 PM:
"How was your golf game, dear?" asked Jack's wife Tracy.
"Well, I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight's gotten
so bad I couldn't see where the ball went."
"But you're seventy-five years old, Jack!" admonished his
wife, "Why don't you take my brother Scott along?"
"But he's eighty-five and doesn't even play golf anymore,"
protested Jack.
"But he's got perfect eyesight. He could watch your ball,"
Tracy pointed out.
The next day Jack teed off with Scott looking on. Jack
swung, and the ball disappeared down the middle of the
fairway. "Do you see it?" asked Jack.
"Yup," Scott answered.
"Well, where is it?" yelled Jack, peering off into the
distance.
"I forgot."
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 02-02-2008, 12:42 PM:
As every golfer knows, there are 103 "things" to keep in mind and perform each
time you address a golf ball. However, very few golfers are aware that there
are "Laws" of golf that also affect our games. Thought I would share these
with you (not that it will help).
LAW 1: No matter how bad your last shot was, the worst is yet to come. This
law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural
tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summer and,
eventually, a lifetime.
LAW 2: Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your
worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the
number of people you tell about the former.
LAW 3: Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot be proven
in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf ball, the
greater its attraction to water.
LAW 4: Golf balls from the same "sleeve" tend to follow one another,
particularly out of bounds or into the water (see law three).
LAW 5: Golf balls never bounce off the trees back into play. If one does, the
tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut down.
LAW 6: No matter what causes a golfer to muff a shot, all his playing partners
must solemnly chant 'You looked up' or invoke the wrath of the universe.
LAW 7: The higher a golfers handicap, the more qualified he deems himself as
an instructor.
LAW 8: The person you would most hate to lose too will always be the one
who beats you.
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 02-02-2008, 07:43 PM:
RATED PG
A man went to a strange town to be the guest speaker at a sales meeting. When
he arrived at his motel, he found he had a lot of time before the meeting so he
got the directions for a nearby golf course from the desk clerk. While playing
the front nine, he thought over his impending speech and became confused as to
where he was on the course. Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him.
He walked up to her, explained the situation and asked her if she knew what
hole he was playing.
She replied, "I'm on the 7th hole and you are a hole behind me, so you must be
on the 6th hole."
He thanked her and went back to finish the 18 hole golf game. On the back nine
the same thing happened; and he approached her again with the same request.
She said, "I'm on the 14th, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the
13th."
Once again he thanked her and returned to his play. He finished his round and
went into the club house where he saw the same lady sitting at the end of the
bar. He approached her and said, ..."Let me buy you a drink in appreciation
for your help. I understand you are in the sales profession. I am in sales also,
What do you sell?"
She replied, "If I told you, you would only laugh."
"No I wouldn't."
"Well if you must know", she answered, "I sell Tampax."
With that, he laughed so hard he almost fell off the bar stool.
She said, "See I knew you would laugh. Everybody laughs. "
"That's not what I'm laughing at," he replied, "I'm a toilet paper salesman....
so I'm still a hole behind you !!
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 02-02-2008, 07:45 PM:
RATED PG-13, but lame.
There are these friends who play golf together every
Saturday. One Saturday they are getting ready to tee
off when a guy, by himself, asks if he can join them.
The friends look at each other and then look at the
guy and say, "Sure."
So they tee off. About two holes into the game, the
friends get curious about what the guy does for a living.
So they ask him. The stranger tells them he's a hitman.
The friends all laugh.
The guy says, "No really, I am a hitman. My gun is in
my golf bag. I carry it everywhere. You can take a look
at it if you like."
So one of the friends decides to check it out. He opened
the bag and, sure enough, there is a rifle with a huge
scope attached. He gets all excited and says, "WOW!
I bet I can see my house through here! May I look?"
The hit man replies, "Sure."
So the guy looks for a second and says, "YEAH! You can
see my house! I can even see through the windows into
my bedroom. There's my wife, naked. Isn't she beautiful?
WAIT! There's my next door neighbor! And he's naked
too!"
This really upsets the guy, so he asks the hitman how
much it would be for a hit. The hitman replies, "I get
$1000 every time I pull the trigger."
The guy responds, "$1000??? Well, ok. I want two hits.
I want you to shoot my wife right in the mouth. She's
always nagging at me and I can't stand it. Second, I
want you to shoot my neighbor in the penis, just for
screwing around with my wife."
The hit man agrees, gears up and looks through the scope.
He's looking for about five minutes until finally the
man starts to get really impatient and asks, "What are
you waiting for?!?
The hitman replies, "Just hold on..... I'm a about to
save you a thousand bucks!"
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 02-02-2008, 07:46 PM:
RATED PG
An important senator arranges to use an escort service (high-class
prostitution) and winds up with this beautiful Japanese girl who speaks little
English, but hey, he wasn't in the mood for conversation anyway.
So they get at it, and she gets into it like no woman he's ever seen! She
starts yelling this Japanese word and making faces and he can tell he's
driving her crazy! He's never had it so good.
So the next morning, he's golfing with the Japanese ambassador, and he makes a
birdie. He suddenly remembers the word that the woman yelled at what must have
been the moment of climax the night before, and he yells it out.
The ambassador looks at him rather oddly, looks at the pin, and says, "no, that
was the right hole..."
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 02-02-2008, 07:46 PM:
After a particularly poor game of golf, a popular club member skipped the
clubhouse and started to go home. As he was walking to the parking lot to get
his car, a policeman stopped him and asked, "Did you tee off on the sixteenth
hole about twenty minutes ago?"
"Yes," the golfer responded.
"Did you happen to hook your ball so that it went over the trees and off the
course?"
"Yes, I did. How did you know?" he asked.
"Well," said the policeman very seriously, "Your ball flew out onto the highway
and crashed through a driver's windshield. The car went out of control,
crashing into five other cars and a fire truck. The fire truck couldn't make it
to the fire, and the building burned down. So, what are you going to do
about it?"
The golfer thought it over carefully and responded..."I think I'll close my
stance a little bit, tighten my grip and lower my right thumb."
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 02-02-2008, 07:47 PM:
A man was playing golf with his wife, as usual, Sunday afternoon on
their home course. Approaching the 18th hole (a long par 5 that doglegs
to the left), the man exclaims that he's going to reach this bastard in
two (He has never in all his years of golf). He hits his tee shot with
all his might but hooks the ball in front of a maintenance shed.
The man drives up to his ball and shouts at his wife that he might
have a chance! He had cut off most of the dogleg, making the hole much
shorter for him. His only obstacle now in the way stood the shed, with
one open door and a small window opening at the other side, lending a
clear view of the green on the other side. He explains his plan to his
wife and grabs the 3 wood. With all the strength he could muster, he
hits the ball towards the opening.
The ball rifles towards the door and hits the post, ricocheting back and
striking his wife between the eyes, killing her dead instantly.
Years later, the man finds himself playing the same course with one of
his friends. Once again they come to the 18th hole, though this time it
is the friend that hits his ball in front of the shed. Approaching the
ball, the friend exclaims,
"Hey! Look, if I hit the ball through the shed, I can still make it on in two!"
Shaking his head, the man says, "You don't want to do that. The last
time I tried that, I finished with an eight."
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 02-02-2008, 07:48 PM:
RATED PG
Recently Priscilla said to me, Doug, it is about time you learned to play golf
--- you know, that's the game where you chase a ball all over the country when
you are too old to chase women.
So I went to see Jones and asked him if he would teach me how to play. He
said -- sure, you've got balls, haven't you?
I said yes -- but sometimes on cold mornings they're kind of hard to find.
Bring them to the clubhouse tomorrow, he said, and we will tee off.
What's tee off, I asked?
He said it's a golf term and we have to tee off in front of the clubhouse.
Not for me, I said, you can tee off there if you want to, but I'll tee off
behind the barn, somewhere.
No, no, he said, a tee is a little thing about the size of your little finger.
Yeah, I've got one of those.
Well, he said, you stick it in the ground and put your ball on top of it.
I asked, do you play golf sitting down? I always thought you stood up and
walked around.
You do, he said, you're standing up when you put your ball on the tee.
Well, I thought that was stretching things a little too far.
He said, You've got a bag, haven't you?
Sure, I said.
He said, Your balls are in it, aren't they?
Of course, I told him.
Well, he said, can't you open the bag and take one out?
I said I suppose I could, but damned if I was going to.
He asked if I didn't have a zipper on my bag, but I told him no, I'm the old
fashioned type.
Then he asked me if I knew how to hold my club. Well, after seventy+ years
I should have some sort of an idea.
He said, you take your club in both hands -- well, I knew right then he didn't
know what he was talking about. Then he said you swing it over your shoulder.
No, no, that's not me, that's my brother Harry you're thinking about.
He asked me, how do you hold your club, and before I thought, I said, in two
fingers.
He said that wasn't right and got behind me and put both arms around me and
told me to bend over and he would show me how. He couldn't catch me there,
because I didn't put four years in the Navy for nothing.
He said you hit the ball with your club and it will soar and soar.
I said I could well imagine. Then he said, and when you're on the green --
what's the green, I asked. That's where the hole is, he said. Sure you're not
color blind, I asked. No, then you take your putter --
What's the putter, I asked.
That's the smallest club made, he said.
That's what I've got, a putter.
And with it, he said you put your ball in the hole.
I corrected, you mean the putter?
He said the ball, the hole isn't bit enough for the ball and the putter.
Well, I've seen holes big enough for a horse and wagon.
Then he said, after you make the first hole, you go on to the next seventeen.
He wasn't talking to me. After two holes I'm shot to hell. You mean, he said,
you can't make eighteen holes in one day?
Hell no, it takes me eighteen days to make one hole, and besides, how do I
know when I'm in the eighteenth hole? He said the flag would go up...
That would be just my luck.
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 02-02-2008, 07:48 PM:
[We all know that] Hockey is a sport for white men. [Further, that] Basketball
is a sport for black men.
Golf, on the other hand, is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps.
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 02-02-2008, 07:49 PM:
Bob, a 24 handicapper, arrived at the first tee with his regular partners.
He took his driver and nailed it straight down the fairway like he had never
done before.
His playing partners looked on in amazement, but said nothing.
Bob approached the ball for his second shot. He took out a short iron and
knocked it onto the middle of the green. He then went on to calmly two putt
for par.
Again, nothing was said other than "Well played Bob."
This sequence continued for the next five holes with Bob even par through six.
The seventh was a really long, difficult par 4 of some 460 yards. Bob,
however, calmly drilled one down the middle, over 250 yards! Well, by this
time, his partners' curiosity got the better of them and they asked him how
he had done that.
Bob replied that he had just changed to new bi-focals and that when he looked
down at the ball, he could see a big club and a little club, a big ball and a
little ball so he hit the little ball with the big club - easy!
For his second shot, Bob selected an iron and floated it right into the heart
of the green. Turning to his partners, Bob said, "See, big club, little club,
big ball, little ball - I hit the little ball with the big club - easy!"
Bob lined up his putt. It was a real animal - a 35 footer with double break,
over a ridge, with the hole tucked away at the back of the green. Bob calmly
stroked the putt and it rolled easily into the cup for a birdie!
Stunned silence from his partners until one asked, "How can you do that on
your handicap ?"
Bob's response was swift, "I told you. These new glasses are great, I saw a
big ball and a little ball, looked up along the line and saw a big hole and a
little hole, so I hit the little ball into the big hole. That's all - easy!"
Now on the next hole, Bob disappeared from the group for a few moments. On
his return, one of his partners observed that Bob's slacks were wet. "What
happened Bob?", he asked.
Bob relied, "I went into the bush for a quick leak and when I looked down I
saw a big one and a little one. I knew the big one wasn't mine, so I put it
away."
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 02-02-2008, 07:50 PM:
At a posh club in Manila, a very arrogant and nasty American is playing a
round with a client. He is very abusive to his caddy but all smiles with
his client, you know the type. At the sixth hole (185 yards, over water)
he asks his caddy, "What club do I use here?"
The caddy says, in broken English, "When Mr. Ray Floyd played here last
year he used a six iron."
The golfer rudely grabs the six iron and hits the ball. the ball lands in
the middle of the pond and the golfer erupts! "Hey stupid, you gave me a
six iron and it was obviously not enough! I hit that ball perfectly, and
still it went right into the water!!"
The caddy replied "That's just what Mr. Ray Floyd did too."
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 02-02-2008, 07:50 PM:
RATED PG
There was a foursome of ladies about to play a par three, 165 yards long.
Suddenly, out from the trees beside the fairway a streaker ran across
the open expanse of the fairway. One lady gasped, "I think I know that guy,
isn't that Dick Green?"
"No" replied another, squinting to see better, "I think it's just a reflection
of the grass!"
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 02-02-2008, 07:50 PM:
Tour Through The Absolute Laws of Golf
The 1st Tee
No matter how bad your last shot was, the worst is yet to come.
This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the
supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a
summmer and, eventually, a lifetime.
The 2nd Dogleg
Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your
worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the
number of people you tell about the former.
The 3rd Hole
Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot be
proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf
ball, the greater its attraction to water.
The 4th Fairway
Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does,
the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should immediately
be cut down.
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 02-02-2008, 07:51 PM:
More on the Laws of Golf...
The 5th Hole
The higher a golfer's handicap, the more qualified he deems himself
as an instuctor.
The 6th Rough
Every par-three hole in the world has a secret desire to humiliate
golfers. The shorter the hole, the greater its desire.
The 7th Fairway
Topping a 3-iron is the most painful torture known to man.
The 8th Tee
Palm trees eat golf balls.
The 9th Sand Bunker
Sand is alive. If it isn't, how do you explain the way it works
against you?
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 02-02-2008, 07:51 PM:
The Back Nine of the Laws of Golf...
The 10th Green
Golf carts always run out of juice at the farthest point from the
clubhouse.
The 11th Water Hazard
A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than anyone
in your group. Likewise, a group you accidentally hit into will
consist of a football player, a professional wrestler, a convicted
murderer and an IRS agent -- or some similar combination.
The 12th Tee
All 3-woods are demon-possessed.
The 13th Fairway
Golf balls from the same "sleeve" tend to follow one another,
particularly out of bounds or into the water (see 3rd Hole)
The 14th Sand Bunker
A severe slice is a thing of awesome power and beauty.
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 02-02-2008, 07:51 PM:
The Final Leg of the Tour...
The 15th Green
"Nice lag" can usually be translated to "lousy putt." Similarly,
"tough break" can usually be translated "way to miss an easy one,
sucker."
The 16th Tee
The person you would most hate to lose to will always be the one
who beats you.
The 17th Fairway
The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust your
score to what it really should be.
The 18th Bunker
Golf should be given up at least twice per month.
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 02-02-2008, 07:52 PM:
And Finally...
The 19th Hole
All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only until the
sunset of the same day.
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 02-02-2008, 07:52 PM:
I think that I shall never see,
a hazard rougher than an tree.
A tree o'er which my ball must fly
if on the green it is to lie.
A tree which stands that green to guard,
and makes the shot extremely hard.
A tree whose leafy arms extend
to kill the six iron shot I send.
A tree that stands in silence there,
while angry golfers rave and swear.
Irons were made for fools like me,
who cannot ever miss a tree.
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 02-02-2008, 07:52 PM:
![[Razz]](tongue.gif)
This Hacker hit his drive out of bounds and the ball came to rest in the middle
of a large red ant bed. He figured he would hit it from that lie, so he took his
stance, took a big swing, missed the ball and ants went flying everywhere. He
tried again, and same as before, missed the ball and again, ants were flying
everywhere.
After the third gigantic swing and miss, one ant said to another one, "If we're
going to save ourselves, we better get on the ball."
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 02-02-2008, 07:53 PM:
RATED R
A husband and his wife were playing in golf tournament. They've done pretty well,
considering he can't see anything below his stomach, and she's walking with a
cast. They've made it through all the challenges, and are playing the final
play-off hole... it's down to a bitty little 4 inch putt that the wife has to
make.
She takes her stance and the husband can see her trembling.
She putts, she misses, and they lose the match.
On the way home in the car, the husband is fuming..."I cannot believe you
missed that putt! That putt was no longer than my dick!" he spouted.
His wife just looked over at him, smiled in that sardonic way she has, and
said, "Yes dear, but it was MUCH harder!"
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 02-02-2008, 07:54 PM:
A golfer hits a wicked slice off the tee that ricochets through
the tree and into the next fairway narrowly missing another
golfer.
When the first golfer gets to his ball he is greeted by his
unintended victim who angrily tells him of the near miss.
"I'm sorry, I didn't have time to yell fore." says the first
golfer.
"That's funny" replies the second, "you had plenty of time to
yell 'SHIT!'"
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 02-02-2008, 07:54 PM:
Two men are talking at the water cooler at work one Monday
morning.
"What did you do this weekend?" asked Don.
"Dropped hooks into water." replied Dave.
"Fishing, eh?"
"No, golfing."
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 02-02-2008, 07:55 PM:
RATED R
A man and his secretary decide to have an affair, so they rent a
hotel room and have strenuous sex all afternoon. He's not used to
the pace, so he falls asleep afterwards and doesn't wake up until
about 8:30 at night. They have sex again, and then the man
realizes it's time to go home.
He says to his secretary, "Take my shoes outside while I get
dressed and drag them through the grass and mud."
Puzzled, the secretary complies. When the man gets home about
9:30, his wife confronts him and asks where he's been.
The man says, "I cannot lie to you, I have spent the day making
love to my secretary, fell asleep, just woke up and came right
home."
The woman looks down at his shoes and says, "You lying bastard,
you've been out playing golf again!"
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 02-02-2008, 07:55 PM:
RATED PG
Where am I? How did I get here? Why does my head hurt?"
"You're in a hospital, sir. I'm with the police. We weren't sure
you were going to wake up. You had a golf club wrapped around your
neck. Just tell us everything you remember."
"Well, I was teaching my wife golf. Of course, I won every hole.
But on the little par 3, 17th hole, we both hit just short of the
green. We both chipped up onto the green as well. When I walked
towards the flag, I saw one ball had overshot the hole, but the
other ball had apparently gone in! I didn't know whose it was, so
I pulled the flag, looked in, saw it was her Spaulding in there,
and I said, "Looks like your hole, dear."
"That was the last thing I remember."
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 02-02-2008, 07:56 PM:
Every time the man next door headed toward Robinson's house,
Robinson knew he was coming to borrow something. "He won't get
away with it this time," muttered Robinson to his wife. "Watch
this."
"Er, I wonder if you'd be using your power-saw this morning," the
neighbor began.
"Gee, I'm awfully sorry," said Robinson with a smug look, "but
the fact of the matter is, I'll be using it all day."
"In that case," said the neighbor, "you won't be using your golf
clubs, mind if I borrow them?"
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 02-02-2008, 07:56 PM:
"You're going out to play golf again?" his wife complained.
"I'm only doing under doctors orders." replied her husband.
"Do I look stupid to you?" she screamed.
"But its true," he said, walking out the door. "He specifically
told me I should get some iron everyday."
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 02-02-2008, 07:57 PM:
"What's your excuse for coming home at this time of the night?" the
avid golfer's wifed asked him.
"I was golfing with Tom and Ray, my dear," replied her husband.
"What?" she yelled. "At 2 in the morning!?"
"Well, yes," he explained. "We were using night clubs."
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 02-02-2008, 07:57 PM:
Four middle-aged jocks were out for their usual game of golf.
Seldom did any of these guys break 100 but they faithfully played
three or four times a week.
One day Fred was having a particularly tough time, taking his
fourth shot from the bunker on a 120 yard par three.
Frustrated, he expressed his feelings, and the feelings of his
three buddies, when he said, "If I wasn't married I'd give up
this darn game!"
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 02-02-2008, 07:57 PM:
Joe: "Why don't you play golf with Bob any more?"
Mike" "Would you play with someone who curses after each shot,
cheats in the bunkers and enters false scores on his card?"
Joe: "No! Of course not!"
Mike: "Neither will Bob."
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 02-02-2008, 07:58 PM:
RATED PG
A group of golfers were approaching the first tee when they
noticed a woman being given first aid. One of the golfers asked
what had happened and he was informed that the woman had been
bitten by a bee and was having a reaction.
"Where was she bitten?" he asked.
"Between the first and second hole," was the reply.
He then replied, "Wow! She must have been standing right over the
hive."
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 02-02-2008, 07:59 PM:
RATED PG
There was this guy who went golfing every Saturday and Sunday.
It didn't matter what kind of weather it was, he was hooked on a
round of golf on his days off. One Saturday he left the house
early and headed for the golf course, but it was so bitter cold
that he decided he wouldn't golf that day and went back home.
His wife was still in bed when he got there, so he took off his
clothes and snuggled up to his wife's backside and said, "Terrible
weather out there."
She replied, "Yeah, and can you believe my stupid husband went
golfing!"
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 02-02-2008, 07:59 PM:
A friend of mine hates to lose at golf. He was in a foursome when
his ball landed in a sand trap. He was hidden from view, but the
rest of us could hear him as he hacked away at the ball.
When he finally drove it out, and rejoined us, I asked him how
many strokes that was.
"Three." he replied.
"Oh come on!" I said. "I heard six."
"It was a very deep trap," he replied "Three were echoes."
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 02-02-2008, 08:00 PM:
It's about the birds and the bees ... sort of...
Comes the time in a boy's life when Dad sits him down for the
"big talk." This was one father's approach:
"Son," he said, "you'll soon have urges and feelings that you've
never had before. Your heart will start to pound and the palms
of your hands will sweat. You'll be preoccupied and you won't
be able to think of anything else."
"But don't worry," he continued, "it's perfectly normal -- it's
called golf."
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 02-02-2008, 08:00 PM:
Father Murphy was playing golf with a parishioner. On the first
hole, he sliced into the rough. His opponent heard him mutter
"Hoover!" under his breath.
On the second hole, the ball went straight into a water hazard.
"Hoover!" Father Murphy says again, a little louder this time.
On the third hole, a miracle occured and Fr. Murphy's drive landed
on the green only six inches from the hole!
"Praise be to God!" he cried.
He carefully lined up the putt, but the ball curved around the
hole instead of going in.
"HOOVER!!!!" shouts the priest.
By this time, his opponent couldn't withhold his curiosity any
longer, and asked the priest exactly what "Hoover" meant.
"It's the biggest dam I know." replied the priest.
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 02-02-2008, 08:01 PM:
GROANER ALERT!
My friend Lisa and her husband, David, work hard on good
communication, but they do sometimes have conflicts.
Last Tuesday her husband promised to be home a little early, but
forgot, went golfing and got home late.
Later, after he arrived home, Lisa stood by the stove finishing
the meal she was preparing and her husband entertained the baby.
He caught Lisa's mood, but couldn't seem to figure out why she was
angry. Finally he said, "I was going to buy a sandwich today...
maybe tomorrow I'll buy a sandwich."
Lisa, thinking this was a comment about her cooking, fumed.
However, she ignored the insult and instead addressed the fact
that David had forgotten his promise to come home early. He, of
course, apologized and all seemed well.
The next day Lisa called David to find out whether he intended to
bring sandwiches home for supper.
"Sandwiches?" he said. "What are you talking about?"
A long discussion ensued in which David denied the sandwich
conversation and both parties ended by thinking the other was
completely insane.
That evening David walked through the door in triumph, holding a
new golf club. "Look," he said with glee, "I bought a sand wedge!"
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 02-02-2008, 08:02 PM:
A reporter was interviewing Jack Nicklaus. He asked, "Jack, you
are spectacular! Your name is synonymous with the game of golf.
You really know your way around the course. What is your secret?"
To which Jack replied, "The holes are numbered!"
Posted by John Wilson (Member # 269) on 02-05-2008, 04:51 AM:
Hey Tim,
I'm beginning to see some sort of pattern here. Do you, um, like golf perhaps?
![[Wink]](wink.gif)
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 02-09-2008, 01:00 PM:
Hahaha!
Yes, I do. But I also found a TON of golf jokes that I figured would be good to get my post count up. Heh-heh.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-04-2008, 12:52 PM:
Rated G Lorraine
A young man who was also an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in 9 holes before he had to head home.
Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone.
Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him.
To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time.
Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball, directly between his ball and the green.
After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old man finally said, "You know, when I was your age I'd hit the ball right over that tree."
With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay.
The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age that pine tree was only 3 feet tall."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-05-2008, 02:16 PM:
Rated G Lorraine
A wife and husband both talked in their sleep. She loved auctions; his hobby was golf.
The other night, as they slept, the golfer yelled, "Fore!"
His wife yelled back, "Four and a quarter!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-14-2008, 02:52 PM:
Rated G Lorraine
The golf pro looked out of his window to see one of the club members, a single-figure handicapper, hitting off the first tee by himself.
The pro watched as the member hit a great drive straight and long but when he got to the ball, he just kicked it a few yards into the rough. He then proceeded to play another great shot back out of the rough to just short of the green but again, walked up and just kicked it sideways into the green-side bunker. A lovely explosion shot to three feet was followed by another kick about twelve foot past the hole. He then sank the putt and moved on to the second hole which took him out of sight of the pro.
Some time later, the pro noticed the member coming up the 18th hole continuing to play his strange round. As soon as he putted out and returned to the club-house, the pro approached him and asked why he had kept kicking the ball just a few yards after having played each other shot with such skill. He replied "I've been practicing for the mixed foursomes with my wife tomorrow".
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-28-2008, 02:40 PM:
Rated G Lorraine
An Octogenarian, who was an avid golfer, moved to a new town and joined the local Country Club.
He went to the Club for the first time to play, but he was told there wasn't anyone with whom he could play because they were already out on the course. He repeated several times that he really wanted to play.
Finally, the Assistant Pro said he would play with him and asked how many strokes he wanted for a bet. The 80 year old said, "I really don't need any strokes, because I have been playing quite well. The only real problem I have is getting out of sand traps."
And he did play well. Coming to the par four 18th they were all even. The pro had a nice drive and was able to get on the green and 2-putt for a par. The old man had a nice drive, but his approach shot landed in a sand trap next to the green. Playing from the bunker, he hit a high ball which landed on the green and rolled into the hole! Birdie, match and all the money!
The Pro walked over to the sand trap where his opponent was still standing in the trap. He said, "Nice shot, but I thought you said you have a problem getting out of sand traps?"
Replied the Octogenarian, "I do. Please give me a hand."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-03-2008, 04:22 PM:
Rated G TheWhiteRabbit
Show me a man who is a good loser and I'll show you a man who is playing golf with his boss.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-08-2008, 12:13 PM:
Rated PG Dave in Aurora, Ont.
Golf Lessons....
A foursome of guys is waiting at the men's tee while another foursome of women is hitting from the ladies' tees. The ladies are taking their time.
When the final lady is ready to hit her ball, she hacks it ten feet. She goesover and whiffs it completely. Then she hacks it another ten feet, and finally hacks it another five feet. She looks up at the patiently waiting men and says apologetically, 'I guess all those fucking lessons I took over the winter didn't help.
One of the men immediately responds, 'Well, there you have it, you should have taken golf lessons instead!'
He never even had a chance to duck.*
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-11-2008, 11:49 AM:
Rated G Lorraine
THE REAL RULES OF GOLF:
If you really want to get better at golf, go back and take it up at a much earlier age.
The game of golf is 90% mental and 10% mental.
Since bad shots come in groups of three, a fourth bad shot is actually the beginning of the next group of three.
When you look up and cause an awful shot, you will always look down again at exactly the moment when you ought to continue watching the ball if you ever want to see it again.
Any change works for a maximum of three holes and a minimum of not at all.
No matter how bad you are playing, it is always possible to play worse.
Never try to keep more than 300 separate thoughts in your mind during your swing.
When your shot has to carry over a water hazard, you can either hit one more club or two more balls.
If you're afraid a full shot might reach the green while the foursome ahead of you is still putting out, you have two options: you can immediately shank a lay-up, or you can wait until the green is clear and top a ball halfway there.
The less skilled the player, the more likely he is to share his ideas about the golf swing.
The inevitable result of any golf lesson is the instant elimination of the one critical unconscious motion that allowed you to compensate for all your errors.
If it ain't broke, try changing your grip.
Golfers who claim they don't cheat, also lie.
Everyone replaces his divot after a perfect approach shot.
A golf match is a test of your skill against your opponent's luck.
It's surprisingly easy to hole a 50-foot putt when you lie 10.
Counting on your opponent to inform you when he breaks a rule is like expecting him to make fun of his own haircut.
Nonchalant putts count the same as chalant putts.
It's not a gimme if you're still away.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-15-2008, 04:21 PM:
Rated G Digger
Golf Lesson
A husband and a wife want to take golf lessons from a pro at a local golf club. The man and woman meet the pro and head to the driving range.
The man goes up first. He swings and hits the ball 100 yards.
The golf pro says, "Not bad, now hold your club as firmly as you hold your wife's breast."
The man follows instructions and hits the ball 300 yards. The golf pro says "Excellent!"
Now the woman takes her turn. She hits the ball 60 yards.
Golf pro: "Not bad, but try holding the club like you hold your husband's dick."
She swings again and the ball goes only 5 yards.
Golf pro: "Not bad, now try taking the club out of your mouth."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-16-2008, 10:59 PM:
Rated G Tony in Lyme, CT
Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.
Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me, 'she told him. Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes, ' the man replied.
He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin.
At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.
She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?
He replied:'It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken.'
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-18-2008, 12:29 PM:
Rated R
Jesus and Saint Peter are golfing.
St. Peter steps up to the tee on a par three and hits one long and straight. It reaches the green.
Jesus is up next. He slices it. It heads over the fence into traffic on an adjacent street. Bounces off a truck, onto the roof of a nearby shack and into the rain gutter, down the drain spout and onto a lilly pad at the edge of a lake. A frog jumps up and snatches the ball in his mouth. An eagle swoops down, grabs the frog. As the eagle flies over the green, the frog croaks and drops the ball. It’s in the hole.
Saint Peter looks at Jesus, exasperated. "Are you gonna play golf?" he asks "Or are you just gonna fuck around?"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-18-2008, 07:21 PM:
Rated G the little woman
"The reason the golf pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing."
Phyllis Diller
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 05-20-2008, 11:42 AM:
Rated G
Bran Muffins
The couple were 85 years old, and had been married for sixty years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies.
Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.
Then when they both had died..
They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside.He took them to a beautiful mansion,furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favorite clothes in the closet.
They gasped in astonishment when he said, 'Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now.'
The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. 'Why, nothing,' St Peter replied, 'remember, this is your reward in Heaven'
The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth.'What are the greens fees?,' grumbled the old man.
'This is heaven,' St. Peter replied. 'You can play for free, every day.'
Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages.
'Don't even ask,' said St Peter to the man.
This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy.'
The old man looked a round and glanced nervously at his wife.
'Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods,
and the decaffeinated tea?,' he asked.
'That's the best part,' St. Peter replied.
'You can eat and drink as much as you like
of whatever you like, and you will never get fat or sick.
This is Heaven!'
The old man pushed, 'No gym to work out at?'
'Not unless you want to,' was the answer.
'No testing my sugar or blood pressure or...'
'Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself.'
The old man glared at his wife and said,
'You and your bran muffins...
We could have been here ten years ago..!'
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-13-2008, 09:30 AM:
Rated PG Ed in Aurora, ont.
A man goes to a public golf course.
He approaches the man behind the counter in the pro shop and says, "I would like 18 holes of golf and a caddie."
The man behind the counter says, "The 18 holes of golf is no problem, but all of the caddies are out on the course. What I will do for you is this: We just received 8 brand new robot golf caddies. If you're willing to take one with you out on the course and come back and tell me how well it works, your round of golf is on me today."
The golfer obviously accepted the man's offer.
He approached the first tee, looked at the fairway and said to himself, "I think my driver will do the job."
The robot caddie speaks to the man and said, "No sir. Use your 3 wood. A driver is far too much club for this hole."
Hesitantly, the golfer pulled out his 3 wood, made good contact with the ball, and the ball landed about 10 feet to the right front of the hole on the green.
The golfer, delighted, looked at the robot and thanked him for his a assistance.
As the golfer pulled out his putter he said, "I think this green is gonna break left to right."
The robot then again spoke up and said, "No sir. I do believe this green will break right to left"
Thinking about the last time the robot corrected his prediction, he decided again to listen to the machine.
He made his putt and birdied the hole thanks to the robot and his advice.
But his luck didn't end there. His entire game was the best game he ever played, thanks to the assistance of the new robot golf caddie.
Upon returning to the clubhouse, the man behind the counter asked, "How was your game ?" The golfer stated, "It was, by far, the BEST game I ever played. Thank you very much for letting me take one of your robots.
See you next week.
A week passed, and excited, the golfer returned to the pro shop.
Upon entering, he looked at the man behind the counter and said, "I would like 18 holes of golf and one of those robot golf caddies, please."
The gentleman from behind the counter looked back at the man and said, "Well the 18 holes is no problem. However, we had to get rid of the robots. We had too many complaints."
Confused, the golfer cried, "COMPLAINTS? Who in the heck could've complained about those robots? They were incredible"
The man sighed and said, "Well, it wasn't their performance.
It was that they were made of shiny silver metal, and the sun reflecting off them was blinding to other golfers on the fair way. "
The golfer said, "So then why didn't you just paint them black?"
The man nodded sadly and replied, "We did. Then four of 'em didn't show up for work, two filed for welfare, one of them robbed the pro shop, and the other is running for President."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-20-2008, 07:13 AM:
Rated G Lorraine
A golfer hooked his tee shot over a hill and onto the next fairway. Walking toward his ball, he saw a man lying on the ground, groaning with pain.
"I'm an attorney," the wincing man said, "and this is going to cost you five grand!"
"I'm sorry, I'm really sorry," the concerned golfer replied. "But I did yell 'fore'."
"I'll take it," the attorney said.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-26-2009, 12:08 PM:
Rated G Jokester
Caddy Comments
Golfer: "Think I'm going to drown myself in the lake."
Caddy: "Think you can keep your head down that long?"
Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course."
Caddy: "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."
Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?"
Caddy: "Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now."
Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"
Caddy: "Eventually."
Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world."
Caddy: "I don't think so sir. That would be too much of a coincidence."
Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time.
It's too much of a distraction."
Caddy: "It's not a watch - it's a compass."
Golfer: "How do you like my game?"
Caddy: "Very good sir, but personally, I prefer golf."
Golfer: "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?"
Caddy: "The way you play, sir, it's a sin on any day."
Golfer: "This is the worst course I've ever played on."
Caddy: "This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago."
Golfer: "That can't be my ball, it's too old."
Caddy: "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-26-2009, 12:14 PM:
Rated PG
Golfer: "That can't be my ball, it's too old."
Caddy: "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir."
When I Was Your Age
A young man who was also an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in 9 holes before he had to head home.
Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him.
To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time.
Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball, directly between the ball and the green.
After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old man finally said, "You know, when I was your age I'd hit the ball right over that tree."
With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay.
The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age that pine tree was only 3 feet tall."
Posted by System Notices (Member # 2357) on 07-09-2010, 11:31 AM:
It has been 528 days since the last post.
Posted by Gordon Bachlund (Member # 124) on 07-09-2010, 11:31 AM:
Rated G...
Four old men went into the pro shop after playing 18 holes of golf. The pro asked, “Did you guys have a good game today?”
The first old guy said, “Yes, I had three riders today.” The second old guy said, “I had the most riders ever. I had five.”
The third old guy said, “I had 7 riders, the same as last time.”
The last old man said, “I beat my old record. I had 12 riders today.”
After they went into the locker room, another golfer who had heard the old guys talking about their game went to the pro and said, “I have been playing golf for a long time and thought I knew all the terminology of the game, but what’s a rider?”
The pro said, “A rider is when you hit the ball far enough to get in the golf cart and ride to it.”
Posted by System Notices (Member # 2357) on 12-09-2011, 12:33 PM:
It has been 518 days since the last post.
Posted by Gordon Bachlund (Member # 124) on 12-09-2011, 12:33 PM:
Rated PG....
Four old-timers were playing their weekly game of golf, and one remarked how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and without an argument go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies and play a round.
His buddies all chimed in and said, "Let's do it, we'll make it a priority, figure out a way and meet here early Christmas morning."
Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the golf course.
The first guy says, "Boy this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife such a diamond ring that she can't take her eyes off it."
Number 2 guy says, "I spent a ton, too. My wife is at home planning the Cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures."
Number 3 guy says "Well my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual."
They all turned to the last guy in the group who is staring at them like they have lost their minds.
I can't believe you all went to such expense for this golf game. I slapped my wife on the butt and said, 'Well babe, Merry Christmas! It's a great morning for either sex or golf,' and she said... 'Take a sweater!'"
Posted by System Notices (Member # 2357) on 09-10-2015, 01:45 PM:
It has been 1371 days since the last post.
Posted by Gordon Bachlund (Member # 124) on 09-10-2015, 01:45 PM:
Rated PG...
A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in awhile a $20 bill fell out onto the sidewalk.
Noticing this, a policeman stopped her and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."
"Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me, Officer."
"Well, now, not so fast," said the cop." Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"
"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to a golf course. A lot of golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, why not make the best of it? So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20 or off it comes!'’
"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. “OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"
"Not everybody pays."
Posted by James Mays (Member # 9228) on 01-18-2016, 07:25 PM:
Show me a man who is a good loser and I'll show you a man who is playing golf with his boss.
-Jim Murray
Posted by System Notices (Member # 2357) on 09-10-2018, 03:11 PM:
It has been 965 days since the last post.
Posted by Gordon Bachlund (Member # 124) on 09-10-2018, 03:11 PM:
Rated G.....
During his physical, the doctor asked the patient about his daily activity level. He described a typical day this way: “Well, yesterday afternoon, I waded along the edge of a lake, drank eight beers, escaped from wild dogs in the heavy brush, jumped away from an aggressive rattlesnake, marched up and down several rocky hills, stood in a patch of poison ivy, crawled out of quicksand and took four leaks behind big trees.”
Inspired by the story, the doctor said, “You must be one hell of an outdoorsman!”
”NAH,” he replied, “I'm just a bad golfer.”
Posted by Gordon Bachlund (Member # 124) on 06-23-2019, 12:45 PM:
Rated PG...
Ed and Linda met on a singles cruise and Ed fell head over heels for her. When they discovered they lived in the same city, only a few miles apart, Ed was ecstatic. He immediately started asking her out when they got home. Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Linda to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies, and museums. Ed became convinced that Linda was indeed his soul mate and true love.
Every date seemed better than the last. On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Ed took Linda to a fine restaurant. While having cocktails and waiting for their salad, Ed said, "I guess you can tell I'm very much in love with you. I'd like a little serious talk before our relationship continues. So, before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a life changing question, it's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut. I play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf on TV. In short, I eat, sleep, and breathe golf. If that's going to be a problem for us, you'd better say so now!"
Linda paused, then responded, "Ed, that certainly won't be a problem. I love you as you are and I love golf too; but, since we're being totally honest with each other, you need to know that for the last five years I've been a hooker."
Ed said, "It's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball"
Posted by Gordon Bachlund (Member # 124) on 08-30-2019, 05:32 PM:
Rated G.....
Saturday morning I got up early, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed my clubs, slipped quietly into the garage, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph.
I pulled back into the garage, turned on the car radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, “The weather out there is terrible."
My loving wife of 20 years replied, “Can you believe my stupid husband is out playing golf in that crap?”
I still don't know to this day if she was joking, but I have quit golf.