Jim, a short middle-aged man, walks into a local bar.

Unfortunately, there's a pile of dog feces just inside the door,and he slips on it and falls over.

He gets up, and walks to the bar to buy a drink.

Sam, a 6-4, 245-pound college football player, then enters the bar. He slips on the same pile, gets up and buys a drink.

Jim turns to an embarrassed Sam, and trying to strike up a conversation, points to the pile by the door and says, "I just did that."

"WHAT?? shouts Sam, who punches Jim in the mouth.   
 

A guy walks into a bar and orders a triple scotch.

The bartenderpours him the drink and the guy swallows it."Wow", says the bartender, "Had a rough day?".

"I got off work early today," answered the guy, "went up to the bedroom, and there was my wife having sex with my best friend."

The bartender pours the guy another shot.

"This one's on the house."

The guy destroys it once again.

The bartender asks, "Did you say anything to your wife?"

The guy answers, "Yep, I walked up to her, told her we're through."

"What about your friend?" asks the bartender. "I looked himstraight in the eye and said BAD DOG!"
 

5 Stages of Drunkenness   

Stage 1 - SMART This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject in the known Universe. You know you know everything and want to pass on your knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage you are always RIGHT. And of course the person you are talking to is very WRONG. This makes for an interesting argument when both parties are SMART.

Stage 2 - GOOD LOOKING This is when you realize that you are the BEST LOOKING person in the entire bar and that people fancy you. You can go up to a perfect stranger knowing they fancy you and really want to talk to you. Bear in mind that you are still SMART, so you can talk to this person about any subject under the sun.

Stage 3 - RICHT his is when you suddenly become the richest person in the world. You can buy drinks for the entire bar because you have an armored truck full of money parked behind the bar. You can also make bets at this stage, because of course, you are still SMART,so naturally you win all your bets. It doesn't matter how much you bet 'cos you are RICH. You will also buy drinks for everyone that you fancy, because now you are the BEST LOOKING person in the world.

Stage 4 - BULLET PROOF You are now ready to pick fights with anyone and everyone especially those with whom you have been betting or arguing.This is because nothing can hurt you. At this point you can also go up to the partners of the people who you fancy and challenge to a battle of wits or money. You have no fear of losing this battle because you are SMART, you are RICH and hell, you're BETTER LOOKING than they are anyway!

Stage 5 - INVISIBLE This is the Final Stage of Drunkenness. At this point you can do anything because NO ONE CAN SEE YOU. You dance on a table to impress the people who you fancy because the rest of the people in the room cannot see you. You are also invisible to the person who wants to fight you. You can walk through the street singing at the top of your lungs because no one can see or hear you and because you're still SMART you know all the words.   
 

There was a man who was a heavy drinker who went to a different bar in new york every night to play drinking games with the most seasoned drunks.  

One night he walks into a bar and see's a sign that reads "win 1000 dollars".  

So he asks the bartender how he could go about winning the cash.  The bartender looks at him and says "well first, you have to chug that whole gallon of pepper tequila without making a face".  

The guy looks at him and laughs.  

The bartender looks at him and says "Then there is an aligator in the back room that has a sore tooth, you have to pull it out."  

The man says "I'm an expert with animals."  

The bartender then continues, "The last feat is that there is an old lady upstairs that has never had an orgasm, and you must make her reach climax"  

The man seeming confident says that he will take the bet.  The bartender hands him the gallon of pepper tequila and he starts chugging not making a face, but heavily sweating.  

The man, seemingly plastered from this task, wobbles into the backroom and closes the door.  

The people outside cheer as they listen in, they hear thumps and splashes, growls and more thumps.  The sounds finally end with a final growl from the alligator, everyone rises and cheers to the sound.The man staggers out, holding himself up with the wall, drenched with sweat and yells out "Now where the hell is that bitch with the sore tooth"   
 

Pub Quiz Triva   

The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time television were Fred and Wilma Flintstone.

Coca-Cola was originally green.

Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the US Treasury.

It is possible to lead a cow upstairs but not downstairs.

Smartest dogs: 1) Scottish border collie; 2) Poodle; 3) Goldenretriever.

Dumbest: Afghan hound.

Hawaiian alphabet has 12 letters.

Men can read smaller print than women; women can hear better.

Amount American Airlines saved in 1987 by eliminating one olive from each salad served in first class: $40,000

City with the most Rolls Royce's per capita: Hong Kong

State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska

Percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28%

Percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%

Average number of days a West German goes without washing his underwear: 7

Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.

The world's youngest parents were 8 and 9 and in lived in China in 1910.

The youngest pope was 11 years old.

Iceland consumes more Coca-Cola per capita than any other nation.

First novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.

A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.

The only 15 letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is uncopyrightable.

Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great kingf rom history. Spades - King David, Clubs - Alexander the Great,Hearts - Charlemagne, and Diamonds - Julius Caesar.

111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

"I am." is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.

Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.   
 

One night two men are sitting in a new bar.

The bartender lean's over to ask his first customers what he should name his bar.

Bartender: I want to name it something with the name "susan" in it.

The first man says to the bartender: How about.....Susan's hair?

The bartender says: Hmmmmmm.........I like the susan part but not the hair.

The second guy says: How about susan's hands??

The bartender again says: I like the susan's part but not the hands.

Then the first guy stands up and says: I GOT IT!! You should name your bar Susan's Leg's!

The bartender says: I like it! You two can come in before I open tomorrow for a free drink!

So the next night the same men are waiting for the bar to open.

A policeman walks by and asks the two men why they are out so late and they tell the policeman:

We are waiting for Susan's Leg's to open so we can get a drink!
 

This guy comes home from a bar and is very drunk.

His wife asks him where he was and he replies that he was at a bar that had Gold Carpet, Gold Curtains, Gold Shot Glasses and even a Gold Urinal.

His wife told the man that no bar has a Gold Urinal and to go to bed. She got to wondering where he was that night, so she started calling all the bars in town.

She called the 1st bar and asked bartender if they had Gold Carpet, which he replied "No!" So,she called the 2nd bar and asked if they had a Gold Carpet, andt he bartender also said, "No, we don't." She called the last bar and asked the same question. The bartender answered back saying, "Yes! We even have Gold Curtains and Gold Shot Glasses."

The wife asked the bartender if she could ask him one more question. He said, "Go for it."

She asked him if they happened to have a Gold Urinal, then she could hear the bartender holler: "Hey, Mac! Take the other line, I think we have a lead on that guy who pissed in the Saxophone."   
 

One day, Daniel was feeling horny and decided to pay a visit to the local strip bar.

He went in, ordered a couple of drinks and waited for the show to start.

Another person came in and sat behind him.

The strippers came on stage and started dancing. Th person behind Daniel started yelling and cheereing.

Daniel ignored him.

The strippers took off their tops, and the guy behind Daniel cheered even louder.

A little while, and many sexy moves later, they took off their bottoms. The guy behind Daniel sighed, then was silent

Dainel turned around and asked " Where's your excitement now, huh?".

"On your back." he replied, smirking.   
 

An older man wearing a stovepipe hat, a waistcoat and a phony beard sat down at a bar and ordered a drink. 

As the bartender set it down, he asked, "Going to a party?"

"Yeah, a costume party," the man answered, "I'm supposed to come dressed as my love life."

"But you look like Abe Lincoln." protested the barkeep.

"That's right.  My last four scores were seven years ago."
 

15 Signs You Drank Too Much

15 - You spent Sunday night in jail for cow-tipping — with your Oldsmobile.

14 - Although armed with fire extinguishers, friends stood at a safe distance as you blew out your birthday candles.

13 - Thanks to you, Jack Daniels stock is up 15 1/4 since Friday.

12 - Boris Yeltsin called personally to ask you to slow down on the Stoli.

11 - For some reason, there's salt on the rim of your basketball goal.

10 - Your name is Otis and Sheriff Andy has brought you some of Aunt Bea's pancakes.

9 - For the money you spent on Thunderbird, you could've bought the automobile.

8 - You're now the proud inventor of the "Slim Jim": Ultra Slim-Fast shakes made with Jim Beam.

7 - Answering machine full of warnings from Coach Switzer.

6 - Absolut wants to run an ad featuring a picture of your liver in the shape of a bottle.

5 - Yet again, dry cleaner employees greet you with, "Hey, it's Vomit Man!"
4 - The doorman asks for your I.D. just to see how long it'll take you to find your pants.

3 - Your liver, in a fit of pique, leaps out of your abdominal cavity into a pan of frying onions.

2 - Worried friends call Monday morning to make sure you returned the goat.
 
1 - You're now sober enough to realize "Drink Canada Dry" is a slogan and not a personal challenge.

 

A drunk guy in Alaska decides to go ice fishing. So he packs up his stuff and goes out onto the ice.

He starts sawing a hole in the ice, and a loud booming voice says, "YOU WILL FIND NO FISH UNDER THAT ICE!"

The drunk looks up, ignores it, and continues on. The voice repeats, "YOU WILL FIND NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."

The drunk looks up and says, "is this God trying to warn me?"

The voice says "NO, I'M THE MANAGER OF THIS ICE RINK."   
 

The FDA is considering additional warnings on beer and alcohol bottles, such as:
WARNING:  consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

WARNING:  consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an a-hole.

WARNING:  consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.

WARNING:  consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.

WARNING:  consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.

WARNING:  consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your pants.

WARNING:  consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you can't remember).

WARNING:  consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.

WARNING:  consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Chuck.

WARNING:  consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.

WARNING:  consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuem, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally disappear".

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy
 

Roy walks into the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk, and staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool and, with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink.

The bartender politely informs Roy that it appears that he has already had plenty to
drink, he could not be served additional liquor at this bar, and could a cab be called for him?

Roy is briefly surprised, then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down off the bar stool and staggers out the front door.

A few minutes later, Roy stumbles in the SIDE door of the "same" bar.

He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink.

The bartender comes over and, still politely but more firmly, refuses service to him due to his inebriation, and again offers to call a cab.

He looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head.

A few minutes later, Roy bursts in through the BACK door of the bar.

He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits and belligerently orders a drink.

The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds him that he is clearly drunk, will be served no drinks, and either a cab or the police will be called immediately.

Roy surprisingly looks at the bartender, and in hopeless anguish, cries - "MAAAN! How many bars do you work at?!?!"
 

The Best Beer

After a Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.

The guy from Corona sits down and says "Hey Sen~or, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.

The guy from Budweiser says "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one.

The guy from Coors says "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.

The guy from Guiness sits down and says "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.

The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask "Why aren't you drinking a Guiness?" and the Guiness resident replies= "Well, if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither will I."
 

Once a man was walking and saw a beggar on the street. He said to the beggar "Now if I give you five dollars will you buy cigarettes?" the beggar answered "No, I don't smoke"

Then the man said "Well if I give it to you will gamble with it?" Once again the beggar replied "No, I don't gamble."

The man then said "Will you buy beer with it" The beggar once again said "No I don't drink."

The man said "Here, you can have the five bucks if you'll come home with me. I want to show my wife what happens to a man who doesn't smoke, gamble or drink."
 

One night a man decides to visit his local bar.

He takes a seat and orders a beer.

After polishing off his beer, he beckons the bartender over and says, “Betcha $20 I can bite my eye.”

The bartender scoffs and accepts.

The man then calmly removes his false eye and bites it.

The bartender grudgingly forks over a twenty.

Later that night, after a few more beers, the man wanders back to the bar and says rather drunkenly,

“Hey barkeep, betcha another $20 I can bite my other eye.”

Wanting to win back his money and seriously doubtful that the man has two false eyes, the bartender accepts.

The man calmly removes his false teeth and bites his other eye.

Scowling, the bartender hands over another twenty. The man leaves and wanders around the bar as he drinks a few more beers.

He strolls back over to the bar, leaning on it, again and calls the bartender,

“Hey, barkeep,” he burbles, “I'll give you a chance to win yer money back plus.

Betcha $100 if you put a shot glass on that end of the bar, and I stood on this end, I could piss into it and not spill a drop.”

The bartender eagerly accepts, knowing the feat to be impossible.

The man wobbily climbs atop the bar, zips down his fly and promptly pisses all over the bar.

He zips up, sits down, slaps the $100 on the bar and laughs uproarously.

“What's so funny?” says the barkeep, “

you just lost everything you won and more!”

“Well,” giggles the man, “I just bet those guys over there $200 that I could piss all over your bar and you wouldn't get angry.”
 

These two buddies were out at the bar having a drink talking when one of the guys say, "You know when I go home after being out with the guys I turn off the engine and coast into the driveway, take my shoes off and tip toe up the stairs. Then I
quietly sneak into bed...but it never fails, every time my wife wakes up and gives me shit for coming home too late."

His buddy replies, "Really? I screech into the driveway, slam the door, run upstairs, jump in bed, put my hand on my wifes ass and say...how about a blowjob honey? And she is asleep every time."
 

Here are the top 25 reasons "Beer Is Better Than Women."

1. You can have more than one beer in a night and not feel guilty.

2. You can share a beer with your friends.

3. Beer doesn't demand equality.

4. You can have a beer in public.

5. A beer doesn't care when you come home.

6. A frigid beer is a good beer.

7. If you change beers you don't have to pay alimony.

8. You always know you're the first one to pop a beer.

9. A beer won't get upset if you come home and have another beer.

10. Beer never has a headache.

11. When you go to a bar, you know you can always pick up a beer.

12. Beer never bugs you to have little beers..

13. A beer doesn't get jealous when you try other beers.

14. Beer is never late.

15. You don't have to wine and dine beer.

16. A beer can wait until half-time.

17. Finishing a beer in 3 seconds is something to be proud of.

18. A beer looks as good in the morning as it did when the bar closed.

19. You can enjoy beer all month long.

20. Beers don't want a lasting relationship.

21. Beer labels come off without a fight.

22. Good beers are never flat.

23. You never have to take your beer shopping.

24. Beers don't notice if you're inexperienced.

25. Beers don't complain about being fondled.
 

Good Reasons Why Beer is Better Than Women!!

1. You can enjoy a beer all month long.

2. Beer stains wash out.

3. You don't have to wine and dine beer.

4. When your beer goes flat, you toss it out.

5. Beer is never late.

6. A beer doesn't get jealous when you grab another beer.

7. Hangovers go away.

8. Beer labels come off without a fight.

9. When you go to a bar, you can always pick up a beer.

10. Beer never has a headache.

11. A beer won't get upset if you come home and have another beer.

12. If you pour a beer right, you'll always get good head.
 

It Won't Sell! A drunk shambled into a bar and bet the bartender that he could tell the ingredients in any drink he cared to mix.

The bartender stooped behind the bar and emptied into one glass the remains of several drinks - a Martini, a Scotch and Soda, brandy, a rum & Coke, etc.

The drunk sipped the drink, and, one after the other, correctly named the contents.

He offered to do it again, and this time the bartender filled a glass with water.

The drunk tasted it, thought reflectively for a moment, tasted it again and then announced: "I don't know what it is, but it won't sell!"
 

What's the difference between a hog and a man

- A hog doesn't have to sit in a bar and buy drinks all night just so he can sleep with some pig.
 

This is one of my all-time favorites...

--------------------------------------

I had twelve bottles of whisky in my celler, and was told by my wife to empty the contents of each bottle down the sink or else. So I said I would, and proceeded with the unpleasant task.

I withdrew the cork from the first bottle and poured the contents down the drain with the ecception of one glass, which I drank.

I extracted tho cork from the second bottle and did likewise, with the exception of one glass, which I drank. I then withdrew the cork from the third bottle and poured the whiskey down the sink, with the exception of one glass, which I drank. I pulled the cork from the fourth sink and poured the bottle down the glass which I drank; pulled the bottle from the cork of the next and drank one sink out of it and threw tho rest down the glass. I pulled the sink out ot the next glass and poured the cork from the bottle. Then I corked the sink with the glass, bottled the drank and drinked the pour. When I had every one emptied, I steadied the house with one hand, counted the bottles, corks, and glasses, and sinks with the other, which were 29, and as the house came by I counted them again and finally had all the houses in one bottle which I drank.

I was not under tho alcofluence of incohol, as some theople pink I was.

I was not as thunk as you might drink. I felt so feelish, I didn't know who was me, and the drunker I stood thero the longer I got.

"When I drink, everybody drinks!" a man shouted to the assembled bar patrons.

A loud general cheer went up. After downing his whiskey, he hopped onto a barstool and shouted, "When I take another drink, everybody takes another drink."

The announcement produced another cheer and another round of drinks.

As soon as he downed his second drink, the fellow hopped back onto the stool. "And when I pay," he bellowed, slapping three dollars onto the bar, "Everybody pays!"
 

Joe is walking along a dark street at night when he hears a lot of laughter and shouting from an Irish bar across the road.

Joe thinks, "Hmm...never been in an Irish bar before and I am bored and lonely.

I'll go check it out." In he walks, amidst hoots of laughter. He looks up at a stage in he center of the room and sees a man going to the microphone. He taps the microphone twice and says "42".

Everyone bursts out laughing and he walks off the stage.

Another man comes up and yells 68! The crowd laughs louder still!

A third man walks up and shouts 12!! Joe is quite confused by now so he finds the manager and asks, "Why does everyone laugh when they are only calling out numbers?"

"Well," says the Manager, "we got tired of saying the same jokes over and over again so we assigned them numbers so each number called out is a joke."

"Ohh," said Joe. "Am I allowed a go then?" "Sure!" the manager exclaimed, So up on to the stage went Joe and yelled at the top of his voice "168".

The patrons laughed so loudly the room shook. They carried him off the stage and bought him a few drinks. After that, he went to the manager and asked, "Why was my joke so funny?"

The manager was still chuckling but he said, "Achh...Well, they haven't heard that one before!!"
 

A well dressed gentlemen enters the bar of a five star restaurant, sits at the bar and orders four very expensive drinks.

The bartender serves them on a silver tray, setting all four in front of the patron.

The man then consumes all four drinks in a matter of seconds.

The bartender comments, "Wow, you sure must have a problem."

"If you had what I had," the man replies, "you'd drink them fast, too."

Leaning over, the sympathetic bartender asks, "What do you have?"

"Fifty cents," the man answers.
 

A drunk walks into a bar and says to the bartender (with a drunken slur), "bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill."

So, the bartender does just that and hands the man a bill for $37.00.

The drunk says, "I haven't got it."

The bartender slaps the guy around a few times then threw him out into the street.

The very next day the same drunk walks into the bar and once again says (with a drunken slur), "Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill."

The bartender looks at the guy and figures to himself that he can't possibly be stupid enough to pull the same trick twice, so he gives him the benefit of the doubt, pours a round of drinks for the house, has a drink himself and hands the drunk a bill for $37.00.

The drunk says, "I haven't got it".

The bartender can't believe it, so he picks the guy up, beats the living day lights out of him, then throws him out into the street.

The next day the same drunk walks back into the same bar and says (with a drunken slur), "bartender, buy every one in the house a drink, give me the bill."

In disgust the bartender says, "what, no drink for me this time?" The drunk replies, "No, you get violent when you drink.
 

A fellow in a bar notices a woman, always alone, come in on a fairly regular basis.

After the second week, he made his move. "No thank you," she said politely.

"This may sound rather odd in this day and age, but I'm keeping myself pure until I meet the man I love."

"That must be rather difficult," the man replied. "Oh, I don't mind too much," she said."But, it has my husband pretty upset."
 

A guy met a girl in a bar and asked, "May I buy you a drink?"

"Okay. But it won't do you any good."

A little later, he asks, "May I buy you another drink?" "

Okay. But it won't do you any good."

He invites her up to his apartment and she replies, "Okay. But it won't do you any good."

They get to his apartment and he says, "You are the most beautiful thing I have ever seen.I want you for my wife."……

She says, "Oh, that's different. Send her in."
 

This nasty, sweaty woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walks into a bar.

She raises her right arm, revealing a big hairy armpit as she points to all the people sitting at the bar and asks, "What man out there will buy a lady a drink?"

The whole bar goes dead silent, as the patrons try to ignore her.

At the end of the bar, a skinny little drunk slams his hand on the bar and says,
"Bartender, I want to buy that ballerina a drink!"

The bartender pours the drink and the woman chugs it right down.

After she's completed the drink, she turns again to the patrons and points around at all of them, again revealing her hairy armpit and says, "What man out there will buy a lady another drink?"

Once again, the little drunk slaps his hand down on the bar and says, "Bartender, I'd like to buy the ballerina another drink!"

A third time, same invitation, same man pays for the drink for her,
"Here bartender, give the Ballerina another drink on me!!!

After serving the lady her third drink, the bartender just could not contain his curiosity anymore... he returns to the other end of the bar and approaches the little drunk and leaning close to him, he asks....,

"It's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you call her a ballerina?"

The drunk replies, "Sirrr, in mahhhh eiyes, eeny wumun who can lift her leg up THAT high..... has got to be a ballerina!"
 

A cop is staking out a bar for drunk drivers.

At closing time, he sees a guy stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and fumble for his keys for five minutes.

When he finally gets in, it takes him another five minutes to get the key in the ignition.

Meanwhile, everybody else leaves the bar and drives off.

When he finally pulls away, the cop is waiting for him, pulls him over, and gives him a Breathalyzer test.

The test shows he has a blood alcohol level of 0.0.

The cop says, 'How is this possible?'

The guy says,'Tonight I'm the designated decoy.
 

THE DRUNK POEM
Starkle, starkle, little twink,
Who the hell are you I think.
I'm not under what you call
The alcofluence of incohol.
I'm just a little slort of sheep,
I'm not drunk like thinkle peep.
I don't know who is me yet,
But the drunker I stand here the longer I get.
So just give me one more fink to drill my cup,
'Cause I got all day sober to Sunday up
 

A drunk who finds himself is in a police station is yelling, "I demand to know why I have been brought in here - Do You Realize Who I AM!?!"

The Police Officer says:"You were brought here for drinking."

"Oh" he says "Alright! Gimme a Beer!"
 

This guy is sitting in a bar drunk, asks the bartender where's the bathroom at?

The bartender said, go down the hall & make a right.

Well, all of a sudden, everybody at the bar hears this loud scream and wonders what is going on in the bathroom.

A few minutes go by again and everybody at the bar hears another loud scream that came out on the bathroom again.

This time the bartender goes into the bathroom and asked the drunk, "What all the screaming about in here? You are scaring all my customers away."

The drunk said, "I'm sitting on the toilet and every time I go to flush it, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my balls."

With that, the bartender opens up the door and looks in and says, "No wonder, you're sitting on the mop bucket!!!"
 

Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers up to them, and points at the guy in the middle, shouting, "Your mom's the best sex in town!"

Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him, so the drunk wanders off and bellies up to the bar at the far end.

Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at the same guy, and says, "I just did your mom, and it was sw-e-et!"

Again the guy refuses to take the bait, and the drunk goes back to the far end of the bar.

Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces, "Your mom liked it!"

Finally the guy interrupts. "Go home, Dad, you're drunk!"
 

BEER QOUTES:

You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline; It helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer.
- Frank Zappa

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach
you to keep your mouth shut. -- Ernest Hemmingway

Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than
alcohol has taken out of me. -- Winston Churchill

Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time.
-- Catherine Zandonella

Sir, if you were my husband, I would poison your drink.
- Lady Astor to Winston Churchill

Madam, if you were my wife, I would drink it. - Winston ‘s reply 

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
-- Henny Youngman

You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on
-- Dean Martin
If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose. -- Jack Handy

Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer. -- Dave Barry

Why is American beer served cold? So you can tell it from urine. -- David Moulton

People who drink light "beer" don't like the taste of beer; they just like to pee a lot.
- Capital Brewery, Middleton, WI

Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world.
-- Kaiser Wilhelm

I would kill everyone in this room for a drop of sweet beer.
-- Homer Simpson

Work is the curse of the drinking class. -- Oscar Wilde

I drink to make other people interesting. -- George Nathan

They who drink beer will think beer. -- Washington Irving

An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools.
-For Whom the Bell Tolls, Ernest Hemmingway

He was a wise man who invented beer. -- Plato

Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy. -- Benjamin Franklin

The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind. -- Humphrey Bogart
 

A drunk man was casually taking a leak into a drinking fountain in the park.

A police officer came up to him and yelled frantically, "What the hell do you think you're doing?

There's a public toilet 20 yards from here!"

The drunk yells back, "What do you think I have, a fricken' hose?!"
 

A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over
the bar which reads:

         Cheese Sandwich: $1.50
         Chicken Sandwich: $2.50
         Hand Job: $10.00

Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men.

"Yes?" she inquires with a knowing smile, "can I help you?"

"I was wondering", whispers the man, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"

"Yes", she purrs, "I am."

The man replies "Well then go wash your hands, I want a cheese sandwich!"
 

Beer Troubleshooting

SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.

SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself leashed to bar.

SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.

SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.

SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.

SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
ACTION: Cover mouth.

The Annual Bartender's Conference has just voted the cocktail of the year: Vodka and Carrot Juice.

The main argument was that when you get drunk at least you can see better
 

Hey

A cowboy rides up to a Saloon, goes inside and orders a drink. He's just about got the glass of whiskey to his lips, when a guy comes running up to the door, and yells "Hey ! Your house is burnin!" The man leaps up, runs out and jumps on his horse just as he thinks... "Hey, I don't have a house."

He goes back in and sits down, and raises the glass to his lips again.

Just then a man comes running up to the door and yells "Hey ! Your dad has died!"

So he leaps up, runs out, gets on his horse and starts to head down the street when he thinks..."Wait a minute, my dad died years ago."

He goes back to the bar, and sure enough, he's just about to take a sip of his whiskey when another guys runs up. " ! Congratulations! You've won the lottery! There's a pile of money waiting for you down at the post office!"

The cowboy gets up, leaps on the horse, and starts flying towards the post office.

He almost gets there when he thinks, "Hey, wait a minute. My name ain't ..."
 

Two old friends from the mountains ran into each other at the local bar.

One said, "Heard ya went to the big city Jeb." His friend replied,

"Yep. Even tried me out one of those 'loose women' ya always hear about."

"You don't say." said the first man. "Bet that was costly."

"Nope." Jeb smirked. "Kinfolk .
 

A very small, sickly-looking man was hired as a bartender.

The saloon owner gave him a word of warning: "Drop everything and run for your life if ever you hear that Big John is on his way to town."

Several months pass...

Then one day a cowhand rushed in shouting, "Big John is a'comin'!" and knocked the small bartender on the floor in his hurry to get out.

Before the bartender had a chance to recover, he looked up to see a giant of a man riding up to the saloon on the back of a buffalo, and using a rattlesnake for a whip.

The man came in, tearing the swinging doors off their hinges, knocked over tables, and flung the snake into the corner.

He then took his massive fist and split the bar in half and he demanded a drink...

The bartender nervously pushed a bottle at the man...

The man then bit off the top of the bottle with his teeth and downed the contents in one gulp, then turned to leave.

The bartender relizing that he wasn't going to hurt him, asked the man if he would like another drink.

"No, I ain’t got time" the man roared. "Big John is a'comin' to town."
 

DO RE MI BEER
by Homer J. Simpson.

DOUGH... the stuff... that buys me beer...:Beer:

RAY..... the guy that sells me beer...

ME...... the guy... who drinks the beer,

FAR..... the distance to my beer

SO...... I think I'll have a beer...

LA...... La la la la la la beer

TEA..... no thanks, I'm drinking beer...

That will bring us back to...

(Looks into an empty glass)

D'OH!
 

Alcoholic:
- a man that goes to a topless bar just to have a drink.

Nurses:
- young women who hold your wrist and then expect your pulse to be normal.

Faithful husband:
- one whose alimony checks arrive on time.

Peter Pan:
- A hospital utensil.
 

You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline; It helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer.
- Frank Zappa

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach
you to keep your mouth shut. -- Ernest Hemmingway

Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than
alcohol has taken out of me. -- Winston Churchill

Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time.
-- Catherine Zandonella

Sir, if you were my husband, I would poison your drink.
- Lady Astor to Winston Churchill

Madam, if you were my wife, I would drink it. - Winston ‘s reply

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
-- Henny Youngman

You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on
-- Dean Martin

If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose. -- Jack Handy

Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer. -- Dave Barry

Why is American beer served cold? So you can tell it from urine. -- David Moulton

People who drink light "beer" don't like the taste of beer; they just like to pee a lot.
- Capital Brewery, Middleton, WI

Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world.
-- Kaiser Wilhelm

I would kill everyone in this room for a drop of sweet beer.
-- Homer Simpson

Work is the curse of the drinking class. -- Oscar Wilde

I drink to make other people interesting. -- George Nathan

They who drink beer will think beer. -- Washington Irving

An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools.
-For Whom the Bell Tolls, Ernest Hemmingway

He was a wise man who invented beer. -- Plato

Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy. -- Benjamin Franklin

The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind. -- Humphrey Bogart
 

NEWS FLASH!:

Estrogen Found in Beer

Yesterday scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones.

To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of them gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became emotional, couldn't drive, couldn't think, and refused to apologize when wrong. --

No further testing is planned..
 

There were these three men who had a very late night drinking guiness....

They left in the early morning hours and went home separately.

They met the next day for an early pint, and compared notes about who was drunker.

The first guy claims that he was the drunkest, saying, "I drove straight home, walked into the house, and as soon as I got through the door, I blew chunks."

To which the second guy replied, "You think that was drunk? I got in my car, drove out of the parking lot, and wrapped my car around the first tree I saw. I don't even have insurance!"

And the third proclaimed, "I was by far the most drunk.. I got home, got in a big fight with my wife, knocked a candle over and burned the whole house down!"

They all looked at each other for a moment. Then the first guy says:
"Guys, I don't think you understand. Chunks is my dog."
 

Two drunks are driving down the highway, drinking their beer. 

All of a sudden the driver notices lights flashing in his mirror; the cops are on his tail.

His buddy says, "What are we going to do?" 

The driver says, "Don't worry.  Just do exactly what I tell you and everything will work out.

First, peel the labels off our beer bottles and we'll each stick one on our forehead. 
Then shove the bottles underneath the seat, and let me do the talking."

They pull over and the cop walks up to the car.  He looks at them kind of funny, but   asks to see the guy's driver's license.  And he asks him, "Have you been drinking?"

"Oh, no, sir," the driver replies.

"I noticed you weaving back and forth across the highway. Are you *sure* you haven't been drinking?" the cop asks.

"Oh, no, sir," the drunk answers.  "We haven't had a thing to drink tonight ."

"Well, I've got to ask you," says the cop, "What on earth are those things on your forehead?"

"That's easy, Officer," says the drunk.  "You see, we're both alcoholics, and we're on the Patch!"
 

A drunk shambled into a bar and bet the bartender that he could tell the ingredients in any drink he cared to mix.

The bartender stooped behind the bar and emptied into one glass the remains of several drinks - a Martini, a Scotch and Soda, brandy, a rum & Coke, etc.

The drunk sipped the drink, and, one after the other, correctly named the contents.

He offered to do it again, and this time the bartender filled a glass with water.

The drunk tasted it, thought reflectively for a moment, tasted it again and then announced: "I don't know what it is, but it won't sell!"
 

Beer Operating Systems:

Dos :Beer:
Requires you to use your own can opener, and requires you to read the
directions carefully before opening the can. Originally only came in
8-oz. can, but now comes in a 16-oz. can. However the can is divided
into 8 compartments of 2-oz. each, which have to be accessed
separately. Soon to be discontinued, although a lot of people are
going to keep drinking it after it is no longer available.

Mac :Beer:
At first, came only in a 16-oz. can, but now comes in a 32-oz.can.
Considered by many to be a "light" beer. All the cans look identical
when you take one from the fridge, it opens itself. The ingredients
list is not on the can. If you call to ask about the ingredients, you
are told that "you don't need to know." A notice on the side reminds
you to drag your empties to the trash can.

Windows 3.1 :Beer:
The world's most popular. Comes in a 16-oz. can that looks a lot like
Mac Beer's. Requires that you already own a DOS Beer.
Claims that it allows you to drink several DOS Beers simultaneously, but in reality you can only drink a few of them, very slowly, especially slowly if you are drinking a Windows Beer at the same time. Sometimes, for no apparent reason, a can of Windows Beer will explode when you open it.

Windows '95 :Beer:
The can looks a lot like Mac Beer's can, but taste more like windows
3.1 Beer. It comes in 32-oz. cans, but when you look inside, the cans
only have 16-oz. of beer in them. Most people will probably keep
drinking Windows 3.1 Beer until their friends try Windows '95 Beer and say they like it. The ingredients list, when you look at the small
print, has some of the same ingredients that come in DOS Beer, even
though the manufacturer claims that this is an entirely new brew.

Windows ‘98 :Beer:
Supposedly a new and improved Windows ‘95 Beer, but the same old brew, even the manufacturer advises that you don’t need to bother with it.

Windows NT :Beer:
Comes in 32-oz. cans, but you can only buy it by the truckload. This
causes most people to have to go out and buy bigger refrigerators. The
can looked just like Windows 3.1 Beers, But the company decided to
change the can to look just like the Window's '95 / ‘98 Beer. Touted as an "industrial strength" beer, and suggested only for use in bars.

A fellow strolled up to a lady at the bar and introduced himeslf.

“Hello,” he said smiling, “My name is Snow, what's yours?'”

The women replied, “June.”

The man answered, “I have a prediction. There will be six inches of Snow in June!”
 

So This guy walks into a bar wearing a shirt open at the collar and is met by a bouncer who tells him he must wear a necktie to gain admission.

So the guy goes out to his car and he looks around for a necktie and discovers that he just doesn't have one.

He sees a set of jumper cables in his trunk.

In desperation he ties these around his neck, manages to fashion a fairly acceptable looking knot and lets the ends dangle free.

He goes back into the bar and the bouncer carefully looks him over for a few minutes and then says, "Well, OK, I guess you can come in - just don't start anything."
 

This guy had been drinking at the bar for hours when he mentioned something about his girlfriend being out in the car.

The bartender, concerned because it was so cold, went to check on her.

When he looked inside the car, he saw the drunk's buddy, Pete, and his girlfriend going at it in the back-seat.

The bartender shook his head and walked back inside. He told the drunk that he thought it might be a good idea to check on his girlfriend.

The drunk staggered outside to the car, saw Pete and his girlfriend entwined, then walked back into the bar giggling uncontrolably.

"What's so funny?" the bartender asked.

"That damned Pete!" the drunk chortled, "He's so drunk, he thinks he's me!"
 

Indignant Drunk

A drunk who finds himself is in a police station is yelling, "I demand to know why I have been brought in here -

Do You Realize Who I AM!?!"

The Police Officer says:"You were brought here for drinking."

"Oh" he says "Alright! Gimme a Beer!"
 

A young man goes into a singles bar with a roll of quarters taped inside the crotch of his jeans.

Checking the scene over, he sits by the most attractive woman at the bar.

After a time, with smug satisfaction he noticed she was constantly glancing down at his crotch.

"Hi, there. I'm Steve," he said, launching into his come-on routine, "and I help produce a TV quiz show. Is there anything else you would like to know?"

"As a matter of fact there is," she replied, glancing down at his embellished crotch. "Do you have change for a dollar?"
 

Drinking Dilemma

A guy goes into a pub, takes a seat at the bar, and orders five pints.

The barman gives him an odd look since he's all by himself, but he serves up the five pints and lines them up on the bar.

The guy downs them....One, Two, Three, Four, Five. He finishes the last one and calls to the barman, "Four pints, please, mate!"

The barman serves up four pints and lines them on the bar.

The guy downs them....One, Two, Three, Four.

Then he belches loudly, sways slightly on the stool, and orders three more pints.

One after the other, he knocks them back....One, Two, Three.

"Two pints, mate!" he calls, and the barman places two pints in front of him.

Down they go .... One, Two.

As the guy slams the last one down on the bar, he says,

"Only one pint now, mate."

So the barman fills the glass.

The guy sits there, staring at it for for a moment, trying to focus. Then he looks at the barman and says, "Y'know, it'sh a funny t'ing, but the lesssh I drink, the drunker I (hic!) get..."
 

This skeleton walks into a bar and says, "I'd like a beer and a mop..."

....Descartes walks into a bar, and the bartender asks "Would you like a beer?" Descartes replies "I think not" and POOF! he vanishes...
 

A well dressed gentlemen enters the bar of a five star restaurant, sits at the bar and orders four very expensive drinks.

The bartender serves them on a silver tray, setting all four in front of the patron.

The man then consumes all four drinks in a matter of seconds

The bartender comments, "Wow, you sure must have a problem."

"If you had what I had," the man replies, "you'd drink them fast, too."

Leaning over, the sympathetic bartender asks, "What do you have?"

"Fifty cents," the man answers.
 

A guy walks into a bar and sits down. After a few minutes, he starts dialing on the back of his hand as if it's a telephone. He then flips his hand over and starts talking into his palm.

The bartender walks over and tells the guy it's a tough neighborhood and he doesn't need any trouble from weirdos.

"You don't understand," the man says. "I'm very high tech. I've had a phone installed in my hand because I was tired of carrying a cell."

"Prove it!"

So the guy dials up a number and presents his hand to the bartender.

The bartender talks into the hand and carries on a brief conversation.

"That's incredible," says the bartender. "I would never have believed it!"

"Yeah," says the guy. "I can keep in touch with my broker, my wife, you name it. By the way, where is the men's room?"

The bartender directs him to the men's room. The guy goes in and five, ten, twenty minutes go by.

Fearing the worst given the violence in the neighborhood, the bartender goes into the men's room.

The guy is spread-eagled against the wall. His pants are pulled down and he has a roll of toilet paper shoved up his butt.

"Oh my god!" says the bartender. "Did the locals rob you? Are you hurt?"

The guy casually turns around and says, "No, I'm OK. I'm just waiting for a fax."
 

Billy-Bob walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, one round for everyone, on me!"

The bartender says, "Well, seems you're in a really good mood tonight, hm?"

Billy-Bob says, "Oh, you can bet on it! I just got hired by the city to go around and remove all the money from parking meters. I start on Monday!"

The bartender congratulates him and proceeds to pour the round.

Monday evening arrives. Billy-Bob comes back into the bar and says Bartender, TWO rounds for everyone, on me!"

The bartender says, "Well now! If you're so happy just over having this new job, I can just imagine how happy you'll be when you get your paycheck!"

Billy-Bob looks at the bartender with a wondrous look on his face, pulls out a handful of quarters from his pocket,and says, "You mean they'll PAY me too?"

Fred and his brother, "Donkey" walk into a pub and Fred gets the first pint in and says, "I'll have a pint for me and a pint for Donkey."

The two guys drink their pints and Fred says, "Right donkey your round; I'll have a pint of Guiness."

Donkey walks up to the bar and says, "2 p p p p pints of g g g g Guiness p p p please." While donkey gets the pints, Fred goes to the toilet and the barman says, "Say, you shouldn't let him call you that stupid nickname."

Donkey replies, "I know. He aw.. he aww... he awwwwww, he always calls me 'Donkey.'
 

Joe tells his wife he is heading out to the pub for a drink.

His wife starts complaining that he never takes her anywhere anymore.

After hours of complaining the husband agrees to take his wife to the pub.

They sit down at a table and the husband gets up and goes to get drinks for himself and his wife.

While he's gone a man walks up to Joe's wife and tells her he wants to turn her upside down fill her with beer and drink her dry.

Joe's wife exclaims, “You sick pervert! Get out of my sight!”

Joe returns and his wife tells him what happened and asks him to go kick that guy's ass.

Joe says, “No way. You don't mess with a guy who can drink that much beer.”    
 

The FDA is considering additional warnings on beer and alcohol bottles, such as:

WARNING:  consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

WARNING:  consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an a-hole.

WARNING:  consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.

WARNING:  consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.

WARNING:  consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.

WARNING:  consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your pants.

WARNING:  consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you can't remember).

WARNING:  consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.

WARNING:  consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Chuck.

WARNING:  consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.

WARNING:  consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuem, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally disappear".

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy.    
 

Seven New York City bartenders were asked if they could nail a woman's personality based on what she drinks. Though interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts. The results:

Drink: BeerPersonality:

Casual, low-maintenance; down to earth.Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.
Drink: Blender Drinks Personality:

Flaky, whiny, annoying; a pain in the buttocks.Your Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabin boy.

Drink: Mixed DrinksPersonality:

Older, more refined, high maintenance, has very picky taste; knows exactly what she wants. Your Approach: You won't have to approach her, if she is interested, she'll send YOU a drink.

Drink: Wine - (does not include White Zinfandel, see below) Personality:

Conservative and classy; sophisticated yet giggles. Your Approach: Tell her you love to travel and spend quiet evenings with friends.

Drink: White Zinfandel Personality: Easy; thinks she is classy and sophisticated,actually has no clue. Your approach: Make her feel smarter than she is.... this should be an easy target.

Drink: Shots Personality: Likes to hang with frat-boy pals and looking to gettotally drunk...... and naked. Your Approach: Easiest hit in the joint. You have been blessed this evening. Nothing to do but wait. However, be careful not to make her mad!

Then there is the MALE addendum. The deal with guys is, as always, very simple and clear cut:

Domestic Beer: He's poor and wants to get laid.

Imported Beer: He likes good beer and wants to get laid.

Wine: He's hoping that the wine thing will give him a sophisticated image to help him get laid.

Whiskey: He doesn't give a hoot about anything but getting laid.

Tequila: He is thinking he has a chance with the toothless waitress.

White Zinfandel: He's gay.   
 

Two guys were sitting in a bar getting really drunk. After awhile, just drinking gets boring, so the first guy looks at the second guy and says, "Hey, you want to go up for a ride in my airplane?"

The second guy says, "Wow, you have an airplane? Let's go!"

So they get some more beer and go for a tour around the city in the plane. Eventually they get bored with this too, so they decide to land. The drunk pilot starts circling around looking for a place to land, and he sees an airstrip close by. He says, "Let's land here. It looks like it's as good a place as any."

So he circles around and goes in for a landing, but at the last minute he swerves and pulls back up. "Shit!" he says, "That is the SHORTEST runway I have ever seen! How is anyone supposed to land on it?" But since it's the only runway nearby, he decides to try again, with the same result.

Getting pretty irritated, the pilot says to his friend, "All right, I'm going to try ONE more time, and if I can't land it we're just going to crash and hope we don't die." So they end up crashing, and miraculously neither is hurt.

When they crawl out of the wreckage, the first guy swears and gesticulates wildly at the runway. "I'm gonna find whoever designed this crazy runway and wring his neck! He must be a total moron! No one could land on anything that short!"

The second guy looks around and says "Yeah, but look how wide it is!"
 

A rather confident man walks into a bar and notices a very attractive woman. 

He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No", he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch, and I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains.

"What's it telling you now?"

"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties..."

The woman giggles and replies, "Well, it must be broken then because I am wearing panties!"

The man explains, "Darn, the thing must be an hour fast."
 

There is a drinking contest at a local bar--whoever drinks the most bottles of beer, without going to the bathroom wins.

The first man drinks five bottles of beer. After that he has to go to the bathroom.

The second guy drinks ten bottles before he has to go to the bathroom.

The third man keeps on drinking, one bottle after another. He pauses for a while. The other two men ask him how he could drinkso many bottles. He replies, "I am not dumb like you guys, I wear Pampers!"
 

A drunk phoned police to report that thieves had been in his car. "They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, even the accelerator!" he cried out.

However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time with the same voice over the line. "Never mind," he said with a hiccup, "I got in the back seat by mistake."
 

A cop pulls over a drunk driver.

The drunk driver says, "Listen buddy, you better get your records straight.

Yesterday you took away my license and today you're asking for it again!?!"
 

Signs That You're A Drunk    

1. You lose arguments with inanimate objects.

2. You have to hold on to the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.

3. Your job starts to interfere with your drinking.

4. Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.

5. The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.

6. You sincerely believe alcohol is the elusive 5th food group.

7. 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case Coincidence?!?!?

8. Two hands and just one mouth now THAT'S a drinking problem.

9. Every woman you see has an exact twin.

10. You fall off the floor

11. Hey, 5 beers have just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!

12. Your idea of cutting back is less salt.

13. Every night you're beginning to find your neighbours cat more and more attractive

14. I'm not drunk you're just sober!!

15. Roseanne looks good

16. You don't recognise your wife unless seen from the bottom of a glass.

17. That dammned pink elephant followed me home again.

18. You have a reserved parking space at the liquor store.

19. You've fallen and can't get up.

20. The shrubbery's drunk too, from frequent watering.

 

A very good looking man walks into a singles bar, gets a drink and has a seat.

During the course of the evening he tries to chat with every single woman who walks into the bar, with no luck.

Suddenly a really ugly man walks into the bar. He sits at the bar, and within seconds he is surrounded by women. Very soon he walks out of the bar with the two of the most beautiful women you ever saw.

Disheartened by all this, the good looking man asks the barman, "Excuse me, but that really ugly man just came in here and left with those two stunning women. What's his secret?

He's as ugly as sin and I'm everything a girl could want but have not been able to connect all night. What'sgoing on?"

"Well," said the Barman, "I don't know how he does it, but he does the same thing every night. He walks in, orders a drink, and just sits there licking his eyebrows...."

 

A man walks into a bar and the bartender said, "Hey George, how about a beer. "George replies "Yeah I'll take one, but call me Lucky."

"Why call you Lucky?"

"Well, I was changing a flat on the highway, when I reliezed I had forgotten something in the car. Right after I walk away, a semi drives by and knocks the car right off the jack. Would of landed right on me."

"Boy you are lucky."The next day George walks back into the bar and the bartender said, "Hey Lucky, how about a beer."

"Yeah I'll take one, but call me Lucky Lucky."

"Now what happened?"

"Well, me and my old lady was having sex last night. The guy downstairs got mad because of the noise and shot his gun off and the bullet got me right in the nuts."

"Wait a minute, how is that Lucky?"

"A minute earlier he would have got me right between the eyes."
 

A drunk walks in through an elevator door, but there’s no elevator there, so he ends up falling five stories down.

Eventually he lands on the bottom.

After he lies there a few seconds, he slowly opens his eyes, and says, ``Dammit, I said UP.''
 

John was in a bar looking very dejected.

His friend, Steve, walked over and asked, "What's wrong?"

"It's my mother-in-law," John replied, while shaking his head sadly. "I have a real problem with her."

"Cheer up," Steve said. "Everyone has problems with their

mother-in-law."

"Yeah," John answered. "But I got mine pregnant."
 

A man walks into a pub and says, "Give me three pints of Guinness, please."

So the bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until they're gone.

He then orders three more and the bartender says, "Sir, I know you like them cold, so you can start with one and I'll bring you a fresh one as soon as you're low."

The man says, "You don't understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the States. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night we'd still drink together.

So right now, my brothers have three Guinness Stouts too and we're drinking together."

The bartender thinks it's a wonderful tradition and every week he sets up the guy's three beers as soon as he enters in the bar.

Then one week, the man comes in and orders only two. He drinks them, then orders two more.

The bartender sadly says, "Knowing your tradition, I'd just like to just say that I'm sorry that one of your brothers died."

The man replies, "Oh, my brothers are fine - I just quit drinking." "D
 

Budweiser Method

These three guys are in a bar, giving women ratings on how beautiful she is on a scale from 1-10. They see a really pretty girl and decide on an 7. The bartender overhears their rating and tells them he'd only give her a three. "You're crazy," says
one of the guys. The bartender simply replies, "I use the Budweiser method."

A few minutes later, an extremely gorgeous woman walks in the bar. The three men rate her a eight and a half. The bartender overhears them and tells them he'd only give her a four and a half. Again the men imply that he is crazy.

About 10 minutes later, A drop dead, knockout gorgeous girl with a perfect body enters the bar. The three men make an instant, unanimous decision of a 10 for her. Again the bartenderoverhears and tells them at best, the very best, he'd give her a
7.

One of the men finally asks him what the Budweiser method is.

The bartender replies, "The Budweiser method is how many Clydesdales it take to pull me off of her.
 

A midget is sitting in a bar. In comes this giant 6'4" guy. He takes the midget and beats the shit out of him and knocks him out cold. He tells the bartender, "When he wakes up, tell him that was 'Karate from Korea.'"

The next night, the same midget is sitting at the bar and in walks the same big guy. He goes up to the midget and beats the shit out of him again. He says to the bartender, "When he wakes up, tell him that was 'Judo from Japan.'"

The next night, the big guy is sitting at the bar and the midget walks in. This time the midget beats the shit out of the guy and says to the bartender, "When he wakes up, tell him that was a sledgehammer from Sears."
 

This skeleton walks into a bar and says, "I'd like a beer and a mop..."
 

A driver, obviously drunk, was heading the wrong way down a one-way street when a policeman pulled him over.

"Didn't you see the arrow, buddy?" he asked.

"An arrow?" the confused driver said. "I didn't even see the Indians
 

A guy is sitting at the bar all alone when he hears, "Nice shirt."

He looks around but sees no one.

He takes a sip of his beer, and then hears, "Nice haircut."

He calls the bartender down and says, "I thought I was alone here and somebody just said 'nice haircut' and 'nice shirt'.

Who's voice am I hearing?"

The bartender says, "Must be the peanuts, they're complimentary"
 

A man walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, give me two shots. One for me and one for my best buddy."

Bartender asks, "You want them both now or do you want me to wait until your buddy arrives to pour his?"

The guy says, "Oh, I want them both now. I've got my best buddy in my pocket here." He then pulls a little three inch man out of his pocket.The bartender asks, "You mean to say, he can drink that much?" "Oh, sure.He can drink it all and then some." the man retorted.

So, the bartender pours the two shots and sure enough, the little guy drinks it all up.

"That's amazing!" says the bartender. "What else can he do? Can he walk?"

The man flicks a quarter down to the end of the bar and says, "Hey,Rodney, go fetch that quarter." The little guy runs down to the end of the bar, picks up the quarter and runs back down and gives it to the man.

The bartender is in total shock. "That's amazing!" he says. "What else can he do? Does he talk?"

The man looks up at the bartender with a look of surprise in his eyes and says, "Talk? Sure he talks. Hey, Rodney, tell him about that time we were in down in Africa, on safari, hunting and you called that native witchdoctor a dickhead!"
 

Tom walks out of a bar, swaying back and forth with a key in his hand.

A cop on the beat sees him and approaches. "Can I help you, fella?" asks the cop.

"Yes! Somebody stole my car!" Tom replies.

The cop asks, "Okay, where was your car the last time you saw it?"

"It was at the end of this key!" Tom replies.

At this point, the cop looks down and sees Tom's penis hanging out of his trousers. So he asks Tom, "Hey buddy, are you aware that you're exposing yourself?"

Tom looks down sadly and moans, "Oh God.... they got my girlfriend too!"
 

A man walked into a bar on a slow night and sat down.

After a few minutes, the bartender asked him if he wanted a drink.

He replied, "No thanks. I don't drink. I tried it once but I didn't like it."

So the bartender said, "Well, would you like a cigarette?"

But the man said, "No thanks. I don't smoke. I tried it once but I didn't like it."

The bartender asked him if he'd like to play a game of pool, and again the man said, "No thanks. I don't like pool. I tried it once but I didn't like it.

As a matter of fact, I wouldn't be here at all, but I'm waiting for my son."

The bartender said, "Your only son, I guess."
 

A drunk man was casually taking a leak into a drinking fountain in the park.

A police officer came up to him and yelled frantically, "What the hell do you think you're doing?

There's a public toilet 20 yards from here!"

The drunk yells back, "What do you think I have, a fricken' hose?!"
 

THE DRUNK POEM

Starkle, starkle, little twink,
Who the hell are you I think.
I'm not under what you call
The alcofluence of incohol.

I'm just a little slort of sheep,
I'm not drunk like thinkle peep.
I don't know who is me yet,
But the drunker I stand here the longer I get.

So just give me one more fink to drill my cup,
'Cause I got all day sober to Sunday up
 

A rather confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No", he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch?

What's so special about it?"

"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains.

"What's it telling you now?"

"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties..."

The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken then because I am wearing panties!"

The man explains, "Damn thing must be an hour fast."
 

A guy goes into a bar, orders twelve shots and starts drinking them as fast as he can.
The bartender says, "Dang, why are you drinking so fast?"

The guy says, "You would be drinking fast if you had what I had."

The bartender says, "What do you have?"

The guy says, "75 cents."
 

A man walks into a bar and says, "Excuse me, I'd like a pint of beer."

The bartender serves the drink and says, "That'll be four dollars."

The customer pulls out a twenty-dollar bill and hands it to the bartender.

"Sorry, sir," the bartender says, "but I can't accept that."

The man pulls out a ten-dollar bill and the bartender rejects his money again. "What's going on here?" the man asks.

Pointing to a neon sign, the bartender explains, "This is a Singles Bar."
 

A string walks into a bar with a few friends and orders a beer. The bartender says, "I'm sorry, but we don't serve strings here."

The string walks away a little upset and sits down with his friends.

A few minutes later he goes back to the bar and orders a beer. The bartender, looking a little exasperated, says, "I'm sorry, we don't serve strings here."

So the string goes back to his table. Then he gets an idea. He ties himself in a loop and messes up the top of his hair. Then he walks back up to the bar and orders a beer.

The bartender squints at him and says, "Hey, aren't you a string?"

And the string says, "Nope, I'm a frayed knot."
 

The bartender, confused, tells the ducks that no, his bar doesn't serve grapes. The duck thanks him and leaves.

The next day, the duck returns and says, "Got any grapes?"

Again, the bartender tells him that, no, the bar does not serve grapes, has never served grapes, and, furthermore, will never serve grapes. The duck, a little ruffled, thanks him and leaves.

The next day, the duck returns, but before he can say anything, the bartender begins to yell: ''Listen, duck! This is a bar! We do not serve grapes! If you ever ask for grapes again, I will nail your stupid duck beak to the bar!''

The duck is silent for a moment, and then asks, ''Got any nails?''

Confused, the bartenders says no.

''Good!'' says the duck. ''Got any grapes?''

Give Me A Double

So this guy walks into a bar and says, “Gve me two beers.”

The bartender obliges him.

The guy looks into his wallet and says, “Give me two more beers.”

So the bartender gives him two more beers. The man went on like this until he had put down ten beers, and keeps on going in his wallet and asking for two more beers.

So the bartender asks, “What's in your wallet that you keep looking at?”

So the man opens his wallet and says, “The more I drink, the prettier my wife gets.”
 

The bartender says, ''Go ahead.''

So the bear eats the lady and asks for a beer. The bartender says, ''Sorry, we don't give beer to bears on drugs.''

''What do mean,'' says the bear. ''I'm not on drugs.''

''Yes, you are, that was the barbituate.''
 

A lady goes into a bar with her goose. Then the bartender comes up to her and says, ''Why did you have to bring the pig in with you?''

Then the lady answered, ''Excuse me, I think this is a goose.''

And the bartender says, ''Excuse me, I was talking to the goose.''
 

A poor man and woman sat down in their living room and the man said, ''I'm going down to the pub for a bit, so put your coat on.''

The woman replied, ''Oh, sweetie, why? Are you taking me with you?''

The man replied, ''No, I'm turning the heat off.''
 

An elderly man and woman meet in a bar and get to talking.

They are enjoying their conversation so much that, when the bar closes, they decide to continue at the woman's apartment.

After a time, things start getting pretty romantic and they wind up in bed.

Afterward, they're both laying there, staring at the ceiling.

The old man is thinking, “Gosh, if I had known she was a virgin, I would have been more careful with her.”

The old lady is thinking, “Geez, if I had known he could get it up, I would have taken off my panties.”
 

Two cowboys are leanin' up against the rail at their favorite bar.

They're tired and worn out from a long day, having a couple of longnecks, just relaxin' and talking, watchin' the women go by.

A really beautiful brunette walks by, and the two cowboys look at her, look at each other, smile and one of them says, "I'll give her a 3."

The other cowboy nods slowly, and says, "Yep. She's a 3 for sure."

Little while later another woman, this time a fantastic lookin redhead, comes walkin' by in front of them... First cowboy looks her up and down, smiles, takes a sip from his beer, and says to the second cowboy, "Well, I think that one must be a 4." The second cowboy agrees and says, "Yep... she sure is a 4."

Time passes on, and the cowboys are still sippin' their beers, just watchin' folks pass. And across the room comes a drop-dead gorgeous blonde. As she comes near them, they both straighten up, and tip their hats back a little for a better look. First cowboy smiles real wide, looks at his pal and says, "Damnnn! That one has GOT to be a 6." The second cowboy nods slowly, grins and says, "Yep.DEFINITELY a 6."

The woman hears them, turns around real sharply and comes right up to the two grinning cowboys... She looks the first one in the eye and says, "Excuse me. But are you two actually standing there rating women?"

The cowboys look kind of embarrassed, but they both nod. One of them says, "Well, yes ma'am, we are, but you don't understand...."

The blonde, even madder, looks at the cowboy and says, "Well, I'll have you know I've been rated far higher than that by far better than YOU." And the second cowboy says, "But, ma'am, you really don't understand!" And she says, "Well. What is it I don't understand. Here you are, rating women. I understand THAT!."

The first cowboy says, "But ma'am, we use a different kind a rating system...."

The blonde, says, "Oh. And what would THAT be? No one has EVER rated me a SIX before!"

The second cowboy says, "Well, we use the Budweiser method, ma'am."

Taken aback, she asks, "What the hell is the Budweiser method?"

The first cowboy smiles, looks at her and says slowly, "Well ma'am, that's how many Clydesdales it would take to pull you off my face."
 

There are two friends at a bar late one night.

One holds a cat everywhere he goes. he never wears a watch.

The friend finally asks him, "What's with the cat?"

The man responds, "I use it to tell time."

As the two are leaving the bar, the second man is pondering how this is possible.

He finally asks his friend, puzzled, "So how does it tell time?"

The man gives the cat a hard squeeze around its middle. The cat lets out a long meow, very loud.

Down the street, a woman opens her window to yell, "What's with all the racket? It's one in the morning!!!"
 

A man walks into a bar. The bartender says to the guy, "What can I get you?"

"Make it a whisky," says the man who promptly throws it down in one gulp.

"That will be three dollars," says the bartender.

"Screw you!" says the man. "You offered to get me something. I thought you were paying."

"Get out," says the bartender. "You're banned. I don't need your crap."

Anyway, two years later, the same man walks into same bar with the same bartender.

The bartender looks at him and says, "You're the asshole who tried to con a drink out of me, aren't you?"

"Excuse me, but I have no idea what you are talking about," says the customer. "I've never been to this bar before in my life!"

"Sorry. My mistake," says the bartender. "You must have a double."

"Hey thanks, dude!" says the customer. "Make it whisky."
 

Fred and his brother, "Donkey" walk into a pub and Fred gets the first pint in and says, "I'll have a pint for me and a pint for Donkey."

The two guys drink their pints and Fred says, "Right donkey your round; I'll have a pint of Guiness."

Donkey walks up to the bar and says, "2 p p p p pints of g g g g Guiness p p p please."

While donkey gets the pints, Fred goes to the toilet and the barman says, "Say, you shouldn't let him call you that stupid nickname."

Donkey replies, "I know. He aw.. he aww... he awwwwww, he always calls me 'Donkey.'"
 

A man walks into a bar and says, "Excuse me, I'd like a pint of beer."

The bartender serves the drink and says, "That'll be four dollars."

The customer pulls out a twenty-dollar bill and hands it to the bartender.

"Sorry, sir," the bartender says, "but I can't accept that."

The man pulls out a ten-dollar bill and the bartender rejects his money again. "What's going on here?" the man asks.

Pointing to a neon sign, the bartender explains, "This is a Singles Bar
 

An Indian walks into a bar with a shotgun in one hand and a bucket of Buffalo manure in the other. He says to the bartender "Me want beer."

The bartender says "Sure chief, coming right up."

He gets the Indian a
tall draft beer and the Indian drinks it down in one gulp, picks up the bucket, throws the manure into the air and blasts it with the shotgun, then he walks out.

Four days later the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand and another bucket of manure in the other. He walks up to the bar and says to the bartender. "Me wants beer."

The bartender says. "Whoa, Tonto, we're still cleaning up from the last time you were in here. What was that all about anyway?"

The Indian says, "Me in training for job as Government employee: drink beer, shoot the shit, and disappear for a few days."
 

A man walks into a bar has a few drinks and asks what his tab was. The bartender replies that it is twenty dollars plus tip. The guy says, "I'll bet you my tab double or nothing that I can bite my eye." The bartender accepts the bet, and the guy pulls out his glass eye and bites it.

He has a few more drinks and asks for his bill again. The bartender reports that his bill now is thirty dollars plus tip. He bets the bartender he can bite his other eye. The bartender accepts knowing the man can't possibly have two glass eyes. The guy then proceeds by taking out his false teeth and bites his other eye.

 

A man walks into a bar has a few drinks and asks what his tab was. The bartender replies that it is twenty dollars plus tip. The guy says, "I'll bet you my tab double or nothing that I can bite my eye." The bartender accepts the bet, and the guy pulls out his glass eye and bites it.

He has a few more drinks and asks for his bill again. The bartender reports that his bill now is thirty dollars plus tip. He bets the bartender he can bite his other eye. The bartender accepts knowing the man can't possibly have two glass eyes. The guy then proceeds by taking out his false teeth and bites his other eye.
 

Getting drunk is a good way to forget that you’re an alcoholic.
 

Two cowboys from Texas walk into a roadhouse to wash the trail dust from their throats. They stand at the bar drinking their beers and talking quietly about cattle prices. Suddenly, a woman at the table behind them, who had been eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so it becomes apparent that she is in real distress, and the cowboys turn to look at her.

"Kin ya swaller?" asks one of the cowboys.

NO, the woman shakes her head.

"Kin ya breathe?" asks the other.

The woman, beginning to turn a bit blue, shakes her head NO again.

The first cowboy walks over to her, lifts up the back of her skirt, yanks down her panties, and slowly runs his tongue from the back of her thigh up to the small of her back.

This shocks the woman to a violent spasm, the obstruction flies out of her mouth, and she begins to breathe again.

The cowboy walks back over to the bar and takes a drink of his beer.

His partner says "Ya know, I'd heard of that there Hind Lick Maneuver, but, I never seen anybody do it"
 

A shy, drunken, innocent young man walked up to a beautiful young woman in a pub and said: "Do you mind if I ask you a personal question?"

"Yes I do," replied the beautiful young woman, "But go ahead, as I'm sure you're going to ask me anyway..."

"OK," said the shy, drunken, innocent young man, "How many men have you slept with?"

"That's my business!" snapped the woman.

"Oh, cool!" said the young man. "I didn't realize you made a living at it!!
 

A man went into an empty bar and ordered a beer.

As he was walking around, he saw a table about 6' x 4' with some lines marked 6"-10" from one edge. Next to each line there were initials.

The man asked the bartender, "What are all those marks on that table?"

"It's a game the locals play, they pull out their dicks,stretch them as far as they can and mark a line."

Our hero was hung like a horse and reckoned he could beat all the lines he'd seen and asked if he could have a go.

"Sure," was the reply.

He pulled out his dick, a clear winner by about 3."

He started to mark his line down when the bartender said, "No, Mate, the locals start from the other side!
 

A man was sitting in a bar and noticed a group of people using sign language. He also noticed that the bartender was using sign language to speak to them.

When the bartender returned to him, the man asked how he had learned to use sign language. The bartender explained that these were regular customers and had taught him to speak in sign.

The man thought that was great.

A few minutes later the man noticed that the people in the group were waving their hands around very wildly.

The bartender looked over and signed 'Now cut that out! I warned you!' and threw the group out of the bar.

The man asked why he had done that and the bartender said, 'If I told them once I told them 100 times - NO SINGING IN THE BAR!'
 

is having a drink in his local bar when in walks a gorgeous woman.

, not being too shy, goes up and sits next to her. He buys her a drink and then another and then another.

After this and the accompanying small-talk, asks her back to his place for a "good time." "Look," says the woman, "what kind of woman do you think I am?

I don't turn into a slut after 3 drinks, you know!" "OK," replies , "how many does it take?"

A pretty young lady came in at the bar where I was working last night and sat up to the bar.

She ask for a beer. When I took it to her she told me, "You know, this is my third beer and after three beers I can feel it. After four beers, anybody can feel it.

I quickly told her, "The next one's on me".
 

A man walks into a bar and sees a real beautiful Indian girl sitting across the bar.

He asks the bar tender who she was, the bar tender told him "don't bother her or the CP will get him".

The guy was confused and asked "Who is the CP?" the bar tender answered "The City Police".

Well a the next day the same guy walks into the bar and finds the same Indian girl sitting there.

So he insisted to the bar tender to please tell him who she was, the bar tender answered him "no, cause the SP will get you".the guy said "the SP who is the SP". "The State Police"answered the bar tender.

He waited until the girl got up and walked out the bar and followed her.

The next day the guy walks in all bruised and with abroken arm. Surprised, the bar tender asked him what the heck happened to him and he said "well I followed her and the FBI got me".

"The FBI? Who is the FBI." the bar tender asked.

" Fucking Big Indian"
 

A policeman drives by a bar late one night, after closing time, and notices two male patrons, obviously drunk, lying on the sidewalk in front of the establishment.

When he parks the squad car and approaches, he notices that one of the men has his finger up the other ones exposed ass.

When the policeman asks just what is going on, the owner of the finger states, "My friend here is very drunk and I'm trying to make him throw up".

The policeman informs the fellow that normally you would make someone throw up my putting a finger into his throat, not his ass!

To which the drunk replies, "When I put this finger down his throat, I guarantee you he WILL throw up!"
 

A pastor, urgently needing to relieve himself, walked into a neighborhood pub.

The place was hopping with music and dancing but every once in a while THE LIGHTS would turn off.Each time after THE LIGHTS would go out the place would erupt into cheers.

However, when the revelers saw the town pastor, the room went dead silent.

He walked up to the bartender, and asked,"May I please use the restroom?"

The bartender replied, "I really don't think you should."

"Why not?" the pastor asked.

"Well, there is a statue of a naked woman in there, and her most private part is covered only by a fig leaf. "

"Nonsense," said the pastor, "I'll just look the other way."

So the bartender showed the clergyman the door at the top of the stairs, and he proceeded to the restroom.

After a few minutes, he came back out, and the whole place was hopping with music and dancing again.

However, they did stop just long enough to give the pastor a loud round of applause.

He went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for ME just because I went to the restroom?"

"Well, now they know you're one of us," said the bartender. "Would you like a drink?"

"But, I still don't understand," said the puzzled pastor.

"You see," laughed the bartender, "Every time the fig leaf is lifted on the statue, THE LIGHTS go out in the whole place.

Now, how about that drink?"
 

A guy walks into a bar with a small dog. The bartender says, "Get out of here with that dog!"

The guy says, "But this isn't just any dog... this dog can play the piano!"

The bartender replies, "Well, if he can play that piano, you both can stay... and have a drink on the house!"

So the guy sits the dog at the piano, and the dog starts playing ragtime, a little swing, some Gershwin. The bartender is amazed and patrons are enjoying the music.

Suddenly a bigger dog runs in, grabs the small dog by the scruff of the neck, and drags him out. The bartender asks the guy, "What was that all about?"

The guy replies, "Oh, that was his mother. She wants him to be a doctor."
 

Two men are sitting in a bar. One says to the other, "I think it's spelled W-H-H-O-O-O-M-B."

The other man replies, "No, wouldn't it be more like W-H-H-H-O-O-M-M-B-B?"

The waitress is walking by and says, "You guys are both idiots! It's spelled W-O-M-B, you jerks!" and she storms off.

The one man turns to his friend and says, "How do you like that? She's heard an elephant fart too!"
 

Morris, the dumb, walks into a bar and orders a beer.

The bartender looks at Morris and says, "Have you seen Eileen?"

Morris is really confused and asked, "Eileen who?"

The bartender relies, "I lean over and you kiss my butt."

Well Morris, the dumb, was offended by this and walks out the door and into the bar across the street.

So he sits down and orders a beer. While he is drinking his beer he tells the bartender what the other bartender said to him.

The bartender then told him, "You know what you should do? You should go back over there and ask him if he has seen Ben, and when he says Ben who, you say I bend over and you kiss my butt."

So Morris goes back across the street and asks the Bartender if he has seen Ben.And the Bartender said, "Yep, He just went out the door with Eileen."

So Morris asks, "Eileen who?"
 

The bartender brought her a Martini, which she drinks in one gulp."Barbender, I would like another Martoutsy", again the bartender brought her a Martini.

By this time the lady is leaning heavily forward, barely able to hang on. She called, "Barbender, your Martoutsys are giving me heartburn."

Patiently, the bartender came near her and said, "Lady, I am not a barbender, but a bartender, and what you have been drinking is not a Martoutsy, but a Martini, and finally, you do not have heartburn, your tits are hanging in the ashtray."
 

Sitting at the bar where I was the bartender was anolder men who looked like he had a long day.

After two or three drinks he rested his head on the bar.

I walked over to him and tapped my hand near his head to informed
him that this was not permitted.

Slowly he lifted his head up to meet my eyes and asked me if I believed in reincarnation.

Not wanting to get to involved in a conversation with the gentleman I said yes.

"So do I," he said, "I want to come back as a dog."

His head started to sag towards the bar again, when he sapped
back up and said, "If I do come back as a dog I know mywife will come back as a flea."

A woman met a gorgeous man in a bar. They talked, they connected, they ended-up leaving together.

They got back to his place, and as he showed her around his apartment, she noticed that his bedroom was completely packed with sweet cuddly teddy bears.

Hundreds of cute small bears were on a shelf, all the way along the floor; cuddly medium-sized ones were on a shelf a little higher; and huge enormous
bears were on the top shelf along the wall.

The woman was kind of surprised that this guy would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that was so extensive; but, she decided not to mention
this to him, and was quite impressed by his sensitive side.

She turned to him ... they kissed ... and then they ripped each others' clothes off and made hot steamy love.

After an intense night of passion with this sensitive guy, they were lying there together in the afterglow. The woman rolled over and asked,
smiling, "Well, how was it?"

The man replied, "You can choose any bear from the bottom shelf."
 

A woman walked up to the bar and ordered a Guinness. As soon as she had taken her first sip of the heavenly nectar she was distressed to see a drunken, unkempt man sit down next to her.

"Say, honey-baby...I'd really like t'get into those pants o'yours."

Looking nonchalantly over her shoulder at him, she replied, "Thanks, but I've already got an ass-hole in there."
 

Two men at a bar had been enjoying a few drinks for the past couple of hours and were pretty drunk when one of them notices a beautiful woman sitting in the corner.
One says to the other, "Jeez, I'd really like to dance with that girl."
The other man replies, "Well go ahead and ask her, don't be a chicken shit."

So the man approaches the lovely woman and says, "Excuse me. Would you be so kind as to dance with me?"

Seeing the man is totally drunk the woman says, "I'm sorry. Right now I'm concentrating on matrimony, and I'd rather sit than dance."

So the man humbly returns to his friend."So what did she say?" asks the friend.
The drunk responded, "She said she's constipated on macaroni, and would rather shit in her pants."
 

Jill: Have you ever been to one of those "karaoke bars"?

Mary: No, I haven't, and I have no desire to go. To me "karaoke" means a combination of people who shouldn't drink with people who shouldn't sing!

Who was Drunker *****

Three women had a very late night drinking Budweiser.

They left in the early morning hours and went home separately.

They met the next day for an early pint, and compared notes about who was drunker the night before.

The first gal claims that she was the drunkest, saying, "I drove straight home, walked into the house and as soon as I got through the door, I blew chunks!!"

To which the second gal replied, "You think that was drunk? I got in my car, drove out of the parking lot, and wrapped my car around the first tree I saw. I don't even have insurance!"

And the third proclaimed, "I was by far the most drunk. I got home, got in a big fight with my husband, knocked a candle over and burned the whole house down!

They all looked at each other for a moment.

Then the first gal says, "Ladies, I don't think you understand. Chunks is my dog!!!"
 

An old man was in his golden years, but that didn't stop him from trying to pick up the younger ladies.

He went to the local bar, approached a very pretty and very young woman and said, "Where have you been all my life?"

The young lady takes one glance at him and says, "For the first half of it, I wasn't even born yet."
 

Do you serve women at this bar?

No sir, you have to bring your own.
 

I like to use this as an opening line in the bars when I spot a nice young babe ,,, " I'm part Hungarian ,, ! "

She says ,, " Oh Yeah " ?

I say ,,, "Yaeh ,,, The Hung part !!!!! " ....
 

It was a hot day in Minnesota. Helga hung out the wash to dry, put a roast in the oven, then went downtown to pick up some dry cleaning. "Gootness, it's hotter dan hell today" she mused to herself as she walked down Main Street. She passed a tavern and thought, "Vy nodt?"

So she walked in and took a seat at the bar. The bartender walked up and asked her what she would like to drink. "Ya know," Helga said, "it is zo hot, I tink I'll have myself a cold beer."

"Anheuser Busch?" the bartender asked.

Helga blushed and replied, "Vell fine, tanks, und how's yer pecker?"
 

Then he noticed a beautiful blonde sitting two stools away. Immediately, he apologized for his bad language.

"That's okay," she said, "If I don't sell more ass this month, I'm going to lose my fucking car."
 

Signs You Are Too Drunk!

You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.
Job interfering with your drinking.
Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
Career won't progress beyond Senator from Massachusetts.

The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.
24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence?? - I think not!
Two hands and just one mouth... - now THAT'S a drinking problem!
You can focus better with one eye closed.

The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.
You fall off the floor...
Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.
Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!
Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you.

At AA meetings you begin: "Hi, my name is... uh..."
Your idea of cutting back is less salt.
The whole bar says 'Hi' when you come in...
You think the Four Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alcohol, and Pretzels
Roseanne looks good.

Don't recognize wife unless seen through bottom of glass.
That stupid pink elephant followed me home again.
Senators Kennedy and Packwood shake their heads when they walk past you.
"I'm as jober as a sudge."
The shrubbery's drunk from too frequent watering.
You wake up screaming "TORO TORO TORO!" in the middle of the night.
 

While they were cheek to cheek, the guy said "You really smell terrific. What's that you have on?"

The flattered girl told him it was Channel #5. Then wanting to return the compliment, she said, "You smell good, too. What is it that you have on?"

"Well, I've got a hard on, but I didn't think you could smell it," the guy replied.

Two guys are out drinking at the saloon late one night.

Tom : "Well, guess I'd better be going home."

Joe : "What's your rush, man. Little woman got you by the short hairs on a short leash?"

Tom : "Hell No ! I'm the boss in my house. But my wife is the director of pussy."
 

Bill was meeting a friend in a bar, and as he went in, he noticed two pretty girls looking at him.

"Nine," he heard one whisper as he passed.

Feeling pleased with himself, he swaggered over to his waiting buddy and told him a girl had just rated him a nine out of ten.

"I don't want to burst your bubble," his friend replied, "but when you came in, they were speaking German."
 

An Englishman, an Aussie and a Scotsman are sitting in a pub, quaffing a few nut-brown ale. While they're sitting around blankly staring at their mugs, three flies buzz down from the ceiling and lazily circle each drinker. Suddenly "buzzzplooop," each fly does a kamakazi dive into a different glass.

The Englishman gives a disgusted look at his pint, dips the fly out with a spoon, flicks it over his shoulder, and drains the glass.

The Aussie notices the fly as he puts the glass to his lips. With a quick puff he blows the bug out in a cloud of foam, and tosses the beer down in one gulp.

They both look on amazed as the Scotsman carefully grasps the fly by its wings, gently lifts it and shakes it off. Then he says to the fly in a quiet voice, "There y'are now laddie, SPIT IT OOOOT!"
 

A completely inebriated man walked into a bar and, after staring
for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over
to her, placed his hand up her skirt and began fondling her.

She jumped up and slapped him silly.

He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought
you were my wife. You look exactly like her."

"Why you drunken, worthless, insufferable asshole!"she screamed.

"Funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her."
 

A guy struck up a conversation with a young lady in a bar.

After a half dozen drinks, he suggested they get their own bottle and retire to his motel room, and she readily agreed.

"Say, how hold are you, anyway?" the guy asked.

"Thirteen," she replied with a shy smile.

"Thirteen? My God, girl! Get those clothes back on at once and get the hell out of here! Are you crazy?" he thundered.

Pausing briefly at the door as she left, the girl smiled and said, "Superstitious, huh?"

 

Two life-long friends were enjoying a few pints down their local bar, when one said to the other, "If I ask you a question, will you promise to answer me honestly?"

"Yeah, sure thing," replied his friend, "fire away."

"Well," said the first guy, "why do you think all the guys around here find my wife so attractive?"

"It's probably because of her speech impediment," replied the second guy.

"What do you mean her speech impediment?" inquired the first fellow, "My wife doesn't have got a speech impediment!"

Well," replied his friend , "you must be the only guy who hasn't noticed that she can't say NO!"

A man goes up to a woman at a bar and says to her,"I've got a condom with your name on it."

The woman says to him, "No,I don't think so. My name's not 'Trojan Extra Small.'"

An obnoxious drunk in a bar keeps hitting on this woman who is waiting for her date. The drunk just won't take no for an answer.

"Tell you what, I'll sleep with you if you can name one thing a man can do for me that my vibrator can't!" the woman smirks.

The obnoxious drunk thinks for a moment. "Okay, let's see your vibrator buy the next round of drinks!"

 

A former prostitute with a rather well-used vagina that has been
somewhat stretched is given a proposal of marriage by a man she meets in a bar one night. She thinks it over, and she decides to accept his proposal.

Her private parts are somewhat oversized from her former occupation, but she decides to approach the problem after they are married. On their wedding night, she explains the problem by saying that when she was a small child, she got her privates caught on some barbed wire while climbing over a fence, which explains why her vagina is so big.

They make wild and passionate love for most of the night, and in the early hours of the morning, her husband, after regaining his breath, turns to her and says, "I can understand your private parts being stretched by this barbed wire, my dear, but just HOW far across the field were you before you noticed?"

 

Two guys and a woman were sitting in a bar talking about their lives.

One guy said, "I'm a YUPPIE. You know, Young Urban Professional."

The second guy said, "I'm a DINK. You know, Double Income No Kids."

They then asked the woman, "What are you?"

She replied, "I'm a WIFE. You know, Wash, Iron, Fuck, Etc."

 

"What's that drink you're mixing" the stranger asked the
bartender in the upscale Tex-Mex bar.

"I call it a lil' Texas Shooter", said the bartender as he
continued to mix up several batches of the drink.

"What's in it ?" asked the stranger.

"Sugar, milk and rum." said the barkeep.

"Is it good ?" asked the man.

"Sure is senor." said the bartender smiling. "The sugar gives you
pep, and the milk gives you plenty of energy."

"And the rum ?" asked the stranger.

"Hell man. That gives ya plenty of ideas what to do with all that
pep and energy." quipped the bartender.

 

Sitting in the bar, George asked Johnny, 40, "How come you aren't married?"

"I haven't found the right woman yet," said Johnny.

"So what are you looking for?" asked George.

"Oh she's got to be real pretty," explained Johnny, "a good cook 'n house keeper, - well and she's got to know how to handle money, - a really nice and pleasant personality is a must, - and money, she's got to have money, - and a home, a nice big house, is what she has to have."

"A woman like that would be crazy to marry YOU!" said George.

"Oh, it's okay if she's crazy," said Johnny.

 

Two old men were sitting in a bar, discussing their wives.

The first said, "Last night, I asked Myrna if we could try sex in a different position. I wanted to try doing it doggy-style."

"Doggy-style? Did she go for it?"

"I'll say we did it doggy-style. I sat up and begged, she rolled over and played dead."


 

A guy picked this woman up in a nightclub and took her home. While they were walking home he didn't say a thing.

"You're not the communicative type, are you?" she said as they were undressing.

"Nah," he replied and pulled out his old fella. "I do all my talking with this."

"Damn," said the girl as she leaned forward to look. "You don't have much to say, do you?"

 

Whenever I go to a bar, I always go right up to the most beautiful woman in the room and say: "You've got something hanging out of your nose."

Hey, since I've got no shot at her, I might as well humble her a little for the next guy.
 

Bill and Doug were having a beer at the neighborhood bar.

"What's the matter?" asked Bill of his buddy. "You look kind of down.'

"My wife just told me that my lovemaking is just like
a news bulletin."

"Why's that?"

"Because it's brief, unexpected and usually a disaster."

"Dogs can't talk, pal. But if you can prove to me yours does, I'll give you a drink. If not, I get to kick your ass."

"Okay," says the guy. He turns to his dog. "Okay fella. Tell me --what is on top of your doghouse?"

"Roof!" The man turns and smiles at the bartender.

"THAT ain't talking! Any dog can bark!"

"Okay boy. Tell me -- how does sandpaper feel?"

"Ruff!"

"What the hell are you tryin' to pull, mister?"

"Okay, okay," says the man. "One more question please. Okay buddy, tell me -- who is the greatest ball player who ever lived?"

"Ruth."

The bartender beats the hell out of the guy and throws onto the sidewalk outside of the bar, then throws the dog out next to him. The dog stands up and looks at the guy.

"Geez. D'ya think I shoulda said DiMaggio?"

 

The bar room was crowded. All of a sudden, this "cute little thing" on the stool began to cry.

The bartender asked, "What's the trouble, Dearie?"

She sobbed, "I'm a virgin, and my boyfriend won't have anything to do with inexperienced stuff. What should I do?"

Three men and a Lesbian were killed in the rush.

 

This guy and his girlfriend head to the local bar. The girl says she'll be happy to pick up the round as she's heard of a new drink she wants him to try.

She gets back to the table and has two drinks for him. One is a shot of Bailey's, and the other a shot of lime juice. She says, "Ok, what you have to do is swig the Bailey's, hold it in your mouth, and then drink the lime juice."

He looks a little dubious but does as he's told because she's really cute when she's enthusiastic and he has plans for later.

First he swigs the Bailey's, holding it and swishing it back and forth over his tongue. Smooth. Creamy. A warm feeling in his mouth. Then he adds the lime juice to mix with the Bailey's. After about a second, the cream in the Bailey's curdles in his mouth. Two seconds into it his face turns the color of fresh lime juice. Five seconds and he finally calms his stomach enough to swallow the mess.

With a look of near horror on his face, he turns to her and asks, "What the fuck was in that?"

She whispers in his ear....

"It's called Blowjob revenge"

 

Seems that 3 blonde party girls sat down at the bar in a tavern.

The first blonde tells the bartender, "I'll have a BM."

The bartender taken back asks, "A what?"

She says, "A Bloody Mary, Duh."

The second blonde tells the bar tender, "I'll have a JC."

Again, the bartender asks, "What is a JC?"

She responds, smacking her lips, "A Jack Daniels and Coke, Duh!"

The third blonde, asks the bartender for a "fifteen".

The bartender is really puzzled now and asks her what this means.

The third blonde shakes her head and says, "Of course, its a seven and seven, Duh!"

 

Three cowboys were sitting in a bar discussing women. "I think
Southern Women are the prettiest," one of them said.

"I think Southern women are the toughest," said another.

The third said, "I think they're the most polite. That's why they
don't like group sex."

His friends looked at him, confused. "They don't like group sex?"

"Nope, too many thank-you notes."

I walked into a bar the other day and ordered a double.

The bartender brought out a girl who looked just like me.
 

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK

Indubitably

Innovative

Preliminary

Proliferation

Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK

Specificity

British Constitution

Passive-aggressive disorder

Loquacious Transubstantiate

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK

Nope, no more booze for me

Sorry, but you're not really my type

Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight

Oh, I just couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing

Thanks, but I don't want to have sex

 

A guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "Man, I'm dying to have sex in the worst way."

So the bartender says, "Well, the worst way I know is standing up in a hammock."
 

Martha Stewart For Rednecks

PERSONAL HYGIENE:

1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.

2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days.
However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.

3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they
tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.

DINING OUT:

1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine.

2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your
fingers covering the label.

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME:

1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.

2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table...no matter how good his manners are.

DATING (Outside the Family):

1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.

2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago."

3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; Others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to
school on time.

THEATER ETIQUETTE:

1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up
immediately after the movie has ended.

2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have
proven they can't hear you.

WEDDINGS:

1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.

2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.

3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a
cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.

4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this
Special occasion.

DRIVING ETIQUETTE:

1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; even if the gun is
loaded, and the deer is in sight.

2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest
tires always has the right of way.

3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.

4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.

5. Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when
driving.

6. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

TIPS FOR ALL OCCASIONS:

1. Never take a beer to a job interview.

2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.

3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.

4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.

5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.


 

A guy goes into a bar and asks for a "Com Tollins, and the bartender says don't you mean a "Tom Collins", and the guy says "yes, that's what I said a "Com Tollins.

The bartender then asks the guy where he's from. The guysays "Gowling Breen,Ohio."

The bartender says don't you mean "Bowling Green", and the guy says "yes", that's what I said "Gowling Breen."

The guy finishes his drink and leaves.

The bartender goes down to the end of the bar where another guy sits drinking. The bartender says to him, "Boy, did you hear that guy?" The guy says "Yeah, I heard him, "Sure shickled the tit out of me."

 

A man walks into a bar with a pig one day and he goes to the bartender and says "Do you serve lawyers here?"

The bartender says "We certainly do."

The man than says "Great I'll have a bottle of beer and my pig here will take a lawyer."

 

Two rather drunk gentlemen stood at the bar near closing time. "I've got an idea," said one, "let's have one more drink and then go and find us some girls."

"No," replied the other one, "I've got more than I can handle at home."

"Great," replied the idea man, "then let's have one more drink and go up to your place.";D

 

A Polish man met a young woman in a bar. She accepted his invitation to go back to his apartment with him.

After a few drinks and some soft music, he suggested they retire to the bedroom, and the girl agreed.

Soon they were going at it hot and heavy, when all of a sudden the Pole stopped dead, looked at her and said "Hey, You don't have herpes, do you?"

"No", she replied, "what would make you ask such a thing?"

"Thats a relief" , said the Pole, "the last girl didn't tell me till it was too late !"

 

Batman and Superman were sitting in a bar, getting soused and
boasting of their recent accomplishments.

They got into a "difference of opinion" of how different criminals were handled, which turned into a rather heated argument.

Finally, Superman got up from his bar stool and staggered to the men's room to relieve himself. Still peeved, he wrote on the wall over his urinal, "Batman is a pussy!"

Later, Batman went in to relieve himself too, saw what Superman
wrote and added his own comment, "Superman is Clark Kent!!"

Two drunks were walking home along the railway tracks.

The first drunk says, "There's a hell of a lot of steps here."

The second drunk says, "I'll tell you what's worse, this hand rail is bloody low down"
 

The Way to End an Argument

Two women were at a bar. One looked at the other and said, "You know, 80 percent of all men think the best way to end an argument is to make love."

"Well," said the other woman, "that will certainly revolutionize the game of hockey!"

 

There was a mine in a small town that completely collapsed. One of the Engineers who miraculously survived the disaster went into the local watering hole. The bar was empty except for one lonely soul at the other end of the bar.

"Hey bartender" said the Engineer, "I'll have a beer and pour another one for my friend down at the end there."

The bartender responded, "I'm sorry sir but that guy's a commie and we don't serve his kind around here."

"Well, you'd better because if it weren't for that guy, I wouldn't be here. You remember that mine that caved in, well I was in that mine and so was that guy. When the last of us were escaping, he held the roof of the mine up with his head! So get him a beer and if you don't believe me, look at the top of his head and you'll see that it's flat from holding the roof up."

The bartender sceptically served the commie his beer and then came back to talk to the Engineer: "I saw the flat spot on his head but I also couldn't help noticing the bruising under his chin. What is that all about?"

The Engineer responded: "Oh...that's where we put the jack."

"WHO'S AN ALCOHOLIC"

Whose an alcoholic, surely not me.
I can quit anytime, don't you see.
I very seldom drink, to extreme,
Even if I am, on the bars drinking team.

My tolerance for alcohol, is very high.
All my friends drink, more than I.
I don't get mean, and I don't fight.
Compared to others, what I drink is light.

When I'm drinking, I have no problems.
I don't see ghost, or any goblins.
My hands don't tremble, nor do they shake.
Nor have I a hangover, when I awake.

To help me sleep, I have a beer or two.
To help ease stress, I have another few.
At a party, it helps break the tension,
But I don't drink enough, to even mention.

I can quit anytime, I've done it quite often.
It's not going to control me, or put me in a coffin.
I'm here simply because, I was caught D.U.I.
So who's an alcoholic, surely not I.

My friend Gary was sitting in a bar; absolutely drooling at a pretty young thing in her short, pink mini-dress. Using the time-honored icebreaker, he sends her a drink.

"How lucky am I," he thinks, as she gets up to come sit next to him. They strike up a wonderful conversation.

Finally the girl turns to him and says, "Look, you seem like a really nice guy, so I have to tell you that I'm a working girl. I get two hundred dollars for what you think you'll ply out of me with liquor."

He replies, "I have no problem with the money but, since you were so straight forward I must tell you that when I cum, I go nuts. I bite, scratch, kick, punch, pull hair, break furniture, and just plain destroy the place."

"Oh my God! How long does that last?" she asked.

"Just until I get my two hundred bucks back," he replied.
 

Rated G

Rated G

Two Pints

Rated G

Say Goodbye

Rated G

The wife is not speaking to me

Rated PG

Hangover Rating

Rated R

Rated PG

Rated PG

Rated G

Rated PG

Rated PG

Bumpers Alcohol Related Stickers

Rated R

Rated R Bar - Animal - Pun

Rated R Bear

Hal is petrified of girls,so he asks his friend Lenny how he
meets so many nice chicks.

Rated G Lorraine

Rated G Where's the Martini

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead went into a bar and asked
the bartender:

Rated R Sue Bee

Some friends were sitting at the bar talking about their
professions.

Rated G Michele

Rated G

Rated PG Sue Bee

Rated PG

Dumb is Good

Rated R

Rated G

Play Magic?

Rated G

Rated G

Rated R

Rated G

The number twelve goes to a bar

Rated G

Does your dog bite?

Rated R

I think I'll try a nicer approach

Rated R

Rated G Drunken Confession

Rated G Denny In Yonkers

Rated G Becky

Fast Turtle

Rated G

Rated G

Rated G

Rated G

Rated G

Rated G

Rated G

As explained by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers

Rated G

Rated PG

Rated G

Rated PG

Rated G

Rated G

Rated G Crazy Mary

Why Beer is Better Than Religion

Rated G Tourist at the Bar

Rated G Sue Bee

DO MEN REALLY THINK LIKE THIS?

Rated G

Rated G Sue Bee

Rules of bar drinking

Rated G

Rated G

Rated G

Rated PG Michele

Rated R W.I.F.E.

Rated PG

Two guys sat in a pub talking

Rated X Captain Silver

Rated R