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Posted by Rachel Carter (Member # 693) on 07-14-2001, 02:29 AM:
Rated PG-13 
PARTY EMBLEM
The Republican National Committee announced today
that it is changing the emblem of the Republican Party
from an elephant to a condom,
because the latter more accurately reflects
the Party's political stance.
A condom stands up to inflation, halts production,
destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks,
and gives one a sense of security while screwing others.
Posted by Steve Scott (Member # 630) on 07-16-2001, 12:24 AM:
Rated GACTUAL QUOTES FROM GEORGE W. BUSH:
"We must all hear the universal call to like your neighbor just like you like to be liked yourself."
"I know the human being and fish can coexist peacefully."
"It's clearly a budget, it's got a lot of numbers in it."
------------------
I hope that after I die, people will say of me: "That guy sure owed me a lot of money!"
Posted by Will Kutler (Member # 770) on 07-26-2001, 10:51 AM:
Rated pgIf Pro is the opposite of Con, then is Progress the opposite of Congress? 
!
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 08-21-2001, 01:16 PM:
Rated G 
America and Israel struck a deal to bolster each others Armies.
The Israelis said they would like to exchange three generals for three generals.
The Americans agreed, stating they wanted an IDF General to teach tactics, an armor General to teach desert warfare, and a Mossad General to teach espionage.
The Israelis replied and said they wanted General Electric, General Motors, and General Dynamics.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-21-2002, 11:04 AM:
Rated R JJ Living it up on the Left CoastThe government announced today that it is changing it's emblem to a condom because it more clearly reflects the government's political stance.
A condom stands up to inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually getting screwed.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-07-2003, 03:38 PM:
Rated G ![[Smile]](smile.gif)
IRS
The attitude of Congress toward hidden taxes is not to do away
with them, but to hide them better.
Congress has the unsolved problem of how to get the people to pay
taxes they can't afford for services they don't need.
Every year around April 15 Americans have a rendezvous with debt.
One of the great blessings about living in a democracy is that we have complete control over how we pay our taxes . . . cash, check or money order. ![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-07-2003, 03:48 PM:
Rated G
The Tax Man Cometh!
There is no tax on brains; the take would be too small.
The tax collectors take up so much of your earnings to balance the budget that you just can't budget the balance.
There is no child so bad that he/she can't be used as an income tax deduction.
The path of civilization is paved with tax receipts.
If Congress can pay farmers not to raise crops, why can't we pay
Congress not to raise taxes?
Posted by System Notices (Member # 2357) on 08-02-2005, 05:24 PM:
It has been 907 days since the last post.
Posted by Gordon Bachlund (Member # 124) on 08-02-2005, 05:24 PM:
Rated G...
A major research institution has just announced the discovery of the
heaviest element yet known to science. The new element has been named
"Governmentium." Governmentium has one neutron, 12 assistant
neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons, and 224 assistant deputy neutrons,
giving it an Atomic mass of 311.
These 311 particles are held together by forces called morons, which
are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called
peons. Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it
can be detected, as it impedes every reaction with which it comes
into contact.
A minute amount of Governmentium causes one reaction to take over 4
days to complete when it would normally take less than a second
Governmentium has a normal half-life of 4 years; it does not decay,
but, instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the
assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.
In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time,
since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons,
forming isodopes. This characteristic of moron-promotion leads some
scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons
reach a certain quantity in concentration. This hypothetical quantity
is referred to as "Critical Morass." When catalyzed with money
Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element which radiates just
as much energy, since it has 1/2 as many peons but twice as many
morons.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 09-23-2005, 11:08 AM:
Rated G
Qualifying Examination
Income Tax Form Designer
Read each question thoroughly. Answer all questions. Time limit is four hours.
1. HISTORY
Describe the history of all religions from their earliest origins to the present day. Prove which is best in a manner that will convince all other religions.
2. MEDICINE
You will be provided with a razor blade, a piece of gauze, and a bottle of scotch. Remove your own appendix. Do not suture until your work has been inspected. You will have fifteen minutes.
3. PUBLIC SPEAKING
2500 riot-crazed aborigines will be turned loose in the classroom with you. Calm them. You may use any ancient language except Latin or Greek.
4. BIOLOGY
Create life. Estimate the differences in subsequent human culture if this form of life had developed 500 million years earlier, with special attention to the probable effects on our next election. Show who would have been our next President and why.
5. MUSIC
Write a piano concerto. Orchestrate it and perform it with flute and drum. You will find a piano under your seat.
6. PSYCHOLOGY
Based on your knowledge of their works, evaluate the political stability, degree of adjustment, and repressed frustrations of each of the following: Alexander of Aphrodisias, Ramsesall, Gregory of Nicoa, and Hammurabi. Support your evaluations with quotations from each man's work, making appropriate references. It is not necessary to translate.
7. SOCIOLOGY
Estimate the sociological problems which might accompany the end of the world. Construct a full-scale experiment to test your theory.
8. MANAGEMENT SCIENCE
Define management. Define science. How do they relate? Why? Create a generalized algorithm that can be used to optimize all managerial decisions. Design the systems interface and prepare all software necessary to program this algorithm on whatever computer may be selected by the examiner.
9. ENGINEERING
The disassembled parts of a high-powered rifle will be placed on your desk. You will also find an instruction manual, printed in Swahili. In ten minutes a hungry Bengal tiger will be admitted to the room. Take whatever action you feel appropriate. Be prepared to justify your decision.
10. ECONOMICS
Develop a realistic plan for refinancing the national debt. Trace the possible effects of your plan on the wave theory of light and on the overcrowding of citizens band radio channels.
11. POLITICAL SCIENCE
Pick up the phone on the desk beside you and start World War III. Report at length on its socio-political effects, if any.
12. EPISTEMOLOGY
Take a position for or against the truth. Prove the validity of your position.
13. PHYSICS
Explain the nature of matter. Include in your answer an evaluation of the impact of mathematics on science, plus the possible effect of electromagnetic radiation on global pollution and on the love life of radar operators who spend long periods in that environment.
14. PHILOSOPHY
Sketch the development of human thought; estimate its significance. Compare this with the development of other kinds of thought.
15. GENERAL KNOWLEDGE
Describe everything you know in detail. Be objective and specific.
16. EXTRA CREDIT
Define the universe. Give three examples.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-28-2005, 07:36 AM:
Rated G
Under certain conditions, U.S. taxpayers are required to file an estimated income tax return. A friend of mine is so upset by this that he sends his in without either name or address.
His reasoning? "If they're gonna make me guess how much I'm gonna make, then they can guess who the hell sent it in!"
Posted by Gordon Bachlund (Member # 124) on 01-22-2006, 12:02 PM:
Rated PG...
A guy goes to the US Post Office to apply for a job. The interviewer
asks him, "have you been in the service?"
"Yes," he says. "I was in Vietnam for three years"
The interviewer says, "That will give you extra points toward
employment" and then asks, "Are you disabled in any way?
The guy says, "Yes 100%...a mortar round exploded near me and blew my
testicles off."
The interviewer tells the guy, "O.K. I can hire you right now. The
hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M. You can start tomorrow. Come in
at 10:00 A.M."
The guy is puzzled and says, "If the hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00
P.M. then why do you want me to come in at 10:00 A.M.?"
"This is a government job" the interviewer says. "For the first two
hours we stand around scratching our balls...no point in you coming in
for that."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-23-2006, 11:00 AM:
Rated G Becky
Dear Internal Revenue Service:
Enclosed you will find my 2005 tax return showing that I owe $3,407.00 in taxes. Please note the attached article from the USA Today newspaper; dated 12 November, wherein you will see the Pentagon (Department of Defense) is paying $171.50 per hammer and NASA has paid $600.00 per toilet seat.
I am enclosing four (4) toilet seats (valued @ $2,400) and six (6)hammers valued @ $1,029), which I secured at Home Depot, bringing my total remittance to $3,429.00. Please apply the overpayment of $22.00 to the "Presidential Election Fund," as noted on my return. You can do this inexpensively by sending them one (1) 1.5" Phillips Head screw (see aforementioned article from USA Today newspaper detailing how H.U.D. pays $22.00 each for 1.5" Phillips Head Screws). One screw is enclosed for your convenience.
It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I look forward to paying it again next year.
Sincerely, A Satisfied Taxpayer
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-23-2006, 11:03 AM:
Rated G B.B.
Stamp It Good! (Postage in U.S. now 39 cents)
I´ve got to mail this bill... It really is quite due, But the postage rates have changed And my stamps won´t get it through.
A U.S. stamp´s a bargain... To send from here to there, But the deuces are sold out It really isn´t fair.
Can I tape on two more pennies? Can I tear a stamp in two? All I really wanted... Was to get my mailings through.
Guess I´ll add another postage stamp The extra charge will be... Much less than they'd charge me For a late payment penalty.
~ Lynette Sheffield
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-03-2006, 08:47 AM:
Rated G
"It's the first time in the Supreme Court's history that Ruth Bader Ginsberg has not been the hottest chick there."
--David Letterman, on Anna Nicole Smith appearing before the Supreme Court
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-31-2006, 07:27 AM:
Rated G
I love how the government keeps telling us that the weather affects gasoline prices.
For example, when the weather was rainy and cold, it takes more fuel to heat homes, so the price of oil goes up.
And when the weather is warm and sunny, well, then people take more vacations -- they drive further and use more gas.
And the only time weather makes the price go down is when it 'snows in hell.' That's about the only time.
- Jay Leno
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-12-2006, 02:33 PM:
Rated G Andrew
All money nowadays seems to be produced with a natural homing instinct for the treasury.
Posted by System Notices (Member # 2357) on 03-01-2012, 02:02 PM:
It has been 2149 days since the last post.
Posted by Gordon Bachlund (Member # 124) on 03-01-2012, 02:02 PM:
Rated G...
Sven and Ole worked together in a Minnesota factory....and both were laid off. So... dey went to the Unemployment Office togedder. Asked his occupation, Ole said, “Panty Stitcher. I sew da elastic onto da ladies cotton panties.” The clerk looked up “Panty Stitcher”
Finding it classified as unskilled labor, she gave Ole $300 a week in unemployment compensation. Sven, when asked his occupation replied, “Diesel Fitter.”
The clerk looked up Diesel Fitter...and it was classified as a skilled job. So, the clerk gave Sven $600 a week in Unemployment compensation.
When Ole found this out, he was furious! He stormed back into the office to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his benefits. The clerk explained, “Panty Stitchers are unskilled labor and Diesel Fitters are skilled labor.”
"Vat skill? yelled Ole. "I sew da elastic on da panties. Sven puts dem over his head and says, "Yah--DIESEL FITTER.”
Posted by System Notices (Member # 2357) on 02-18-2019, 11:05 AM:
It has been 2544 days since the last post.