This is topic Women Only :) in forum Bob Maar's Joke-A-Thon at Film-Tech Forum ARCHIVE.
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Posted by Rachel Carter (Member # 693) on 07-14-2001, 02:35 AM:
Rated PG-13 
(I know I'm gonna get it for this one)Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray for a man, who's not a creep.
One who's handsome, smart and strong, One who's "willy" is thick and long.
One who thinks before he speaks, When he promises to call, he won't wait weeks.
I pray that he is gainfully employed, And when I spend his cash he won't be annoyed.
One who pulls out my chair & opens my door, massages my back & begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who will make love to my mind, knows just what to say when I ask "How big is my behind?
One who'll make love till my body's a twitchin, In the hall, in the shower, the garden and kitchen!
I pray that this man will love me to no end, And never attempt to screw any of my friends!
And as I kneel and pray beside my bed, I look at the Shit Head you
sent me instead!!!
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 07-14-2001, 10:53 AM:
Rated PG 
Sadie and Yetta, two widows, are talking:
Sadie: "That nice Morris Finkleman asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer."
Yetta: "Vell.... I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctual like a clock. An like such a mench he is dressed. Fine suit, wonderful lining. And he brings me such beautiful flowers you could die from. Then he takes me downstairs, and what's there but such a beautiful car..... a limousine even, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he takes me out for a dinner.....Marvelous dinner. Lobster even. Den ve go see a show.... Let me tell you Sadie, I enjoyed it so much I could just die from pleasure!
So then we are coming back to my apartment, and into an ANIMAL he turns. Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me two times!"
Sadie: "Oy! Vey... so you are telling me I shouldn't go out with him?"
Yetta: "No... I'm just saying that if you go, wear an old dress.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 07-17-2001, 07:00 AM:
Rated R 
A woman went to her doctor for a follow-up visit after the doctor had prescribed testosterone (a male hormone) for her. She was a little worried about some of the side effects she was experiencing.
''Doctor, the hormones you've been giving me have really helped, but I'm afraid that you're giving me too much. I've started growing hair in places that I've never grown hair before.''
The doctor reassured her, ''A little hair growth is a perfectly normal side effect of testosterone. Just where has this hair appeared?''
''On my testicles, which is something else I want to talk to you about...,'' replied the lady.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 07-17-2001, 02:29 PM:
Rated G 
Once a man walked in to the ladies department of Macy's one day.
Shyly, he went to the woman at the front desk. "
Um," he said, "I need a bra for my wife."
The woman responded, "Which type?"
With this, the man was confused. "There is more than one type?"
"Yes, why don't you look around." He looked and looked, but didn't know how to choose. So he went back up to the front desk, "How many types are there?"
"Four." she responed.
The man was still confused.
Noticing this the lady told him, "The types are Catholic, Salvation Army, The Presbyterian, and the Baptist type."
"What is the differance?"
"Well, the Catholic type holds up the masses, the Salvation Army type lifts what's fallen, the Presbyterian type keeps the staunch and upright, and the Baptist type makes a mountain out of a mole-hill."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 07-17-2001, 09:26 PM:
Rated G 
Three couples went to a resturant. The guys wanted to compliment the women with something that was on the table.
"Could you pass me the sugar, sugar?" said the first guy.
"Could you pass me the honey, honey?" said the second.
"Could you pass me the bacon, pig?" said the third.
Posted by Jerry Chase (Member # 660) on 07-17-2001, 09:44 PM:
Rated RThe fourth said "Please pass the gas, asshole."
Posted by Geoffrey Weiss (Member # 882) on 07-18-2001, 10:07 AM:
Rated PGA 40-year-old woman goes to the doctor for her yearly physical, and, after doing some tests and checking her from head to toes, he comes back and says, "Well, I've got good news. You're in excellent health and you have the breasts of a twenty-year-old. See you next year."
So she goes home feeling pretty good. When she walks into the living room, she tells her husband, "The doctor said I'm in excellent health and have the breasts of a twenty-year-old."
Her husband asks, "What did he say about your forty-year-old ass?"
"You weren't mentioned," she replies.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 07-20-2001, 07:09 AM:
Rated G Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement home, reminiscing.
The first lady recalled shopping at the green grocers, and demonstrated with her hands the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for penny.
The second old lady nodded, then demonstrated the size of two big onions
she could buy for a penny a piece.
Then the third old lady chipped in with, "I can't hear a word you're saying, but I remember the guy you're talking about"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 07-24-2001, 12:40 PM:
Rared G
A Fairy Tale for the Assertive Woman
Once upon a time,
in a land far away,
A beautiful, independent,
self assured princess
happened upon a frog as she sat
contemplating ecological issues
on the shores of an unpolluted pond
in a verdant meadow near her castle.
The frog hopped into the Princess' lap
and said: Elegant Lady,
I was once a handsome Prince,
until an evil witch cast a spell upon me.
One kiss from you, however,
and I will turn back
into the dapper, young Prince that I am
and then, my sweet, we can marry
and move in with with my Mother,
where you can prepare my meals,
clean my clothes, bear my children,
and forever feel grateful and happy
doing so.
That night,
on a repast of lightly sautéed frog legs
seasoned in a white wine
and onion cream sauce,
she chuckled to herself and thought:
I don't fucking think so.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 07-27-2001, 11:00 AM:
Rated G 
A group of girlfriends are on vacation when they see a five-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only." Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.
The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explain to them how it works. "We have five floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside."
So they start going up, and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends laugh, and without hesitation move on to the next floor.
The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short and handsome." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue up.
They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here are tall and plain."
They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they kept going.
On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here are tall and handsome." The women get excited and are about to go in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head up to the fifth floor.
There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 07-27-2001, 08:42 PM:
Rated G I never married because there was no need.
I have three pets at home which answer the same purpose as a husband.
I have a dog that growls every morning, a parrot that swears all afternoon, and a cat that comes home late every night.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 07-30-2001, 08:48 AM:
Rated PG 
Two women talking at lunch.
Jill: I got a puppy over the weekend.
Mary: A pet! Good for you! Are you having any problems with him?
Jill: Well, maybe just one. I may have given him the wrong name.
Mary: What do you mean?
Jill: Well, I named him Jack, and Saturday night when my date was sitting in the living room, the dog got up on the sofa. I'm trying to teach him not to do that.
Mary: Yeah, so?
Jill: So in front of my date, I yelled, "Jack! Off!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 07-30-2001, 09:23 AM:
Rated G Two women talking.
Mary: My last boyfriend said he fantasized about having two girls at once.
Jill: Yeah, most men do. What did you tell him?
Mary: I said, "If you can't satisfy one woman, why would you want to piss off another one?"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 07-31-2001, 11:16 AM:
Rated G
19 Sure-Fire Ways To Know You’re A Woman:
1. You’re a Bitch
2. If asked “Is something bothering you?” reply “NO” then get pissed off when you are believed
3. Become attracted to someone because he is outgoing and loves parties, start dating him and immediately expect him to stop this behavior
4. Always take an hour longer than promised to prepare for the evening out.
5. Always hide very important events in very unimportant terms so you can have something to be pissed about when your boyfriend declines because he has pressing business, For example: You say “It’s no big deal, but I was wondering if you would like to visit my parents with me if you are not busy this weekend.” when you mean “It means a lot to me for you to see my family with me this weekend whether or not its possible!”
6. Whine
7.If he pays attention to you, he’s smothering you
8. No matter what the activity, he doesn’t do it as well as a past boyfriend
9. If you are trying to sleep, it’s because you’re exhausted from your almost super-human level of daily achievement; if he is trying to sleep, it’s because he is lazy
10. If he gives you space, he is ignoring you
11. Complain
12. Hate any bar that he likes
13. Demand to be treated as an equal in everything........ except when paying for meals, airplane tickets, concerts, beers, clothes, etc........ these are required gifts proving his love
14. Declare PMS at any given time. If he is knowledgeable about your cycle, tell him you’re irregular from all of the stress in your life (also, see number 7)
15. Remember ANY woman who so much as looks at your boyfriend must be labeled a WHORE and your network of friends must be informed immediately to spread the word.
16. Make his life miserable by making him feel guilty whenever he is doing anything other than catering directly to your needs
17. Break into tears for no apparent reason, then use number 2
18. Ask for help in some endeavor then become livid when it is given
19. Insert yourself into your boyfriend’s group of friends, break up with him, then make sure you are present at every gathering for the next month just to rub it in.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 07-31-2001, 02:39 PM:
Rated G 
The three animals woman like most:
1. Jaguar (the car)
2. fox (fur)
3. donkey (to pay for everything)
****************************************************************************
The Secret of Wisdom.
Once there was a young woman who heard that an old wise woman had the secret of wisdom.
The young woman was determined to track the old woman down.
After traveling many months, the young woman found the old woman in a cave.
She entered and addressed the old woman: “Old Wise Woman, I hear you have The Secret of Wisdom. Would you share it with me?
The old woman looked at the youth and said, “Yes, you seem sincere. The Secret of Wisdom is good judgment.”
“Good judgment, of course,” said the youth, thanked her mentor, turned and started to leave.
However, as she got to the entrance of the cave she paused, turned back and said, “Old Woman, I feel funny asking, but, if I may, how does one obtain good judgment?”
“That is a good question, which deserves an answer” said the sage.
“One obtains good judgment through experience.”
“Experience, of course,” said the young seeker, and proceeded to leave.
But she stopped in her tracks, and humbly walked back to her mentor. “Old Woman,” said the young woman, “I feel foolish, but I have to ask: How does one obtain experience?”
The old woman paused, nodded her head, then proceeded: “Now you have reached the right question. - How does one obtain experience?... Through bad judgment!”
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 08-03-2001, 12:40 PM:
Rated G 
How ugly is she?
...She looks out the window and gets arrested for indecent exposure.
...As a baby, she had to be breast-fed by the family dog.
...Even mosquitoes stay away from her.
...She startles the animals at the zoo.
...On Halloween, she has to trick or treat over the phone.
...She makes onions cry.
..Her ass looks like two pigs fighting over a box of milk duds.
...Her armpits look like she has Don King in a headlock.
...The plastic surgeon wanted to add a tail.
...When she was born, the doctor slapped her mother.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 08-03-2001, 01:47 PM:
Rated G 
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car, both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but they just went on through.
The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, "I must be losing my mind, I swear we just went through a red light."
After a few more minutes they came to another intersection and the light was red again, and again they went right through. This time the woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red, but was really concerned that she was mistaken.
She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the road and the next intersection to see what was going on.
At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through. She turned to woman driving and said, "Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row! You could have killed us!"
Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh, am I driving?"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 08-03-2001, 06:44 PM:
Rated G Q: Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist?
A: Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 08-03-2001, 06:49 PM:
Rated G If it were truly the thought that counted, more women would be pregnant.
*************************************************
Q: What's the definition of a virgin lake?
A: No women have swam there yet so all the fish still taste like chicken.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 08-04-2001, 09:52 AM:
Rated G Single women complain that all good men are married, while married women complain about their lousy husbands....
This confirms that there is no such thing as a good man.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 08-04-2001, 09:54 AM:
Rated G I've never understood why women love cats.
Cats are independent, they don't listen, they don't come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, and when they're home they like to be left alone and sleep.
In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 08-04-2001, 10:14 AM:
Rated G True To Life Facts About Women:
"Oh, nothing," has an entirely different meaning in woman language than it does in man language.
Women can get out of speeding tickets by pouting. This will get men arrested.
Only women understand the reason for "guest towels" and the "good china".
Women’s favorite toy is the word “no”
Women cannot use a map without turning the map to correspond to the direction that they are heading.
Women never check to see if the lid is up. They seem to prefer taking a flying butt leap towards the bowl and then chewing men out because they "left the seat up" instead of taking two seconds and lowering it themselves.
The most embarrassing thing for women is to find another woman wearing the same dress at a formal party.
You don't hear men say, "Oh-my-GOD, there's another man wearing a black tux, get me outta here!"
Origin of the word "woman" is: woo-man.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 08-04-2001, 12:34 PM:
Rated PG There was a horny young lady named Lil,
Who fucked dynamite sticks for a thrill.
They found her vagina
In North Carolina
And bits of her tits in Brazil
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 08-04-2001, 12:37 PM:
Rated G Q: What do you say to a woman with no arms and no legs?
A: Nice tits!
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 08-05-2001, 12:17 AM:
Rated G The Modern Women
Today's woman puts on wigs, fake eyelashes, false fingernails, sixteen pounds of assorted make-up/shadows/blushes/creams, living bras, various pads that would make a linebacker envious, has implants and assorted other surgeries, then complains that she cannot find a "real" man.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 08-05-2001, 01:02 PM:
Rated G Worried because they hadn't heard anything for days from the old widow in the neighboring apartment, Mrs. Silver said to her son, "Timmy, would you go next door and see how old Mrs. Goldberg is?"
A few minutes later, Timmy returned.
"Well," asked Mrs. Silver, "is she all right?"
"She's fine, except that now shes angry with you."
"At me?" the woman exclaimed. "Whatever for?"
She said "It's none of your business how old she is."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 08-05-2001, 07:13 PM:
Rated PG Why Women Scream..
One day, the Lord decided to make a companion for Adam. He summoned St. Peter and told him of his decision.
He told St. Peter that he wanted to make a being who was similar to man, yet was different, and could offer him comfort, companionship and pleasure. The Lord said he would call this being a woman.
So St. Peter went about creating this being which was similar to man yet was different in ways that would be appealing and could provide physical pleasure to man.
When St. Peter had finished creating this being who could now be called woman he summoned The Lord.
"Ah, St. Peter, once again you have done an excellent job," said The Lord.
"Thank You, Great One," replied St. Peter.
"I am now ready to provide the brain, nerve endings and senses to the being, this .. woman. I require your assistance on this matter, Lord."
"You shall make her brain, slightly smaller, yet more intuitive, more feeling, more compassionate, and more adaptable than man's," said The Lor
"The nerve endings," said St. Peter. "How many will I put in her hands?" "How many did we put in Adam?” asked The Lord.
"Two hundred, my Lord," replied St. Peter. "Then we shall do the same for this woman," said The Lord.
"And how many nerve endings shall we put in her feet?" inquired St. Peter.
"How many did we put in Adam?" asked The Lord.
"Seventy five, my Lord," replied St. Peter. "Ah yes, these beings are constantly on their feet, so they benefit from having less nerve endings there.
Do the same for woman," said the Lord.
"How many nerve endings should we put in woman's genitals?" inquired St. Peter. "How many did we put in Adam?" asked The Lord. "Four hundred and twenty, my Lord," replied St. Peter.
"Of course, we did want Adam to have a means of receiving extra pleasure in his life, didn't we?
Do the same for woman," said The Lord. "Yes, my Lord," said St. Peter.
"No, wait," said The Lord. "Screw it, give her ten thousand! I want her to scream my name!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 08-07-2001, 08:15 AM:
Rated XXX A little old lady, well into her eighties, slowly enters the front door of an erotic sex shop.
Obviously very unstable on her feet, she shakily hobbles the few feet across the store to the counter.
Finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it for support, she asks the sales clerk, "Ddddoo youuu hhhave ddddildos?"
The clerk, politely trying not to burst out laughing, replies, "Yes we do have dildos. Actually we carry many models."
The old woman then asks, "Dddddoooo yyyouuuu hhhave aaa pppinkk one, tttenn inchessss lllong aaandd aabboutt tttwoo inchesss thththiiickkk?"
The clerk responds, "Yes we do." "Ccccccannnn yyyyouu tttelll mmmeee hhhoww ttttoo ttturrrn ttthe dddaaammnn ttthinggg offf?"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 08-08-2001, 11:57 AM:
Rated PG Q: How do you get a woman to stop giving you oral sex?
A: Marry her
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 08-15-2001, 09:19 PM:
Rated R This is one for the girls (sorry guys)
Why do men become smarter during sex?
Because they are plugged into a genius.
Why don't women blink during foreplay?
They don't have time.
Why did God put men on earth?
Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn.
Why don't women have men's brains?
Because they don't have penises to put them in.
What do electric trains and breasts have in common?
They're intended for children, but it's the men who usually end up playing with them.
Why do men snore when they lay on their backs?
Because their balls fall over their assholes and they vapor lock.
Why do men masturbate?I
t's sex with someone they love.
Why were men given larger brains than dogs?
So they won't hump women's legs at cocktail parties.
Why is a man's pee yellow and his sperm white?
So he can tell if he is coming or going.
How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
Both of them.
Why did the man cross the road?
He heard the chicken was a slut.
Why does it take one million sperm to fertilize one egg?
They won't stop to ask directions.
What do men and sperm have in common?
They both have a one-in-a-million chance of becoming a human being.
How does a man show that he is planning for the future?
He buys TWO cases of beer.
What is the difference between men and government bonds?
The bonds mature.
Why are blonde jokes so short?
So men can remember them.
How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
We don't know, it has never happened.
Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking?T
hey all already have boyfriends.
What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is everynight?
A widow.
Why are married women heavier than single women?
Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed.
Married women come home, see what's in the bed and go to the fridge.
How do you get a man to do sit ups?
Put the remote control between his toes.
What did God say after creating Adam?
I must be able to do better that that.
What did God say after creating Eve?
Practice makes perfect.
How are men and parking lots alike?
Good ones are always taken, free ones are mostly handicapped or extremelysmall.
What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
They are married.
Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?"
God says "So you would love her.""But God," the man says, " why did you make her so dumb?" God says "So she would love you."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 08-20-2001, 08:16 AM:
Rated G Sent by a female lurker for posting.A Woman Is Like A Teabag..You Never Know How strong She Is until She Gets Into Hot Water.
TO ALL THE COOL WOMEN I KNOW!!!!
God bless cool women,
They smile when they want to scream.
They sing when they want to cry.
They cry when they are happy and laugh when they are nervous.
They fight for what they believe in.
They stand up against injustice.
They don't take "No" for an answer, when they believe there is a better solution.
They go without new shoes so their children can have them.
They go to the doctor with a frightened friend.
They love unconditionally.
They cry when their children excel, and cheer when their friends get awards.
They are happy when they hear about a birth or a new marriage.
Their hearts break when a friend dies.
They have sorrow at the loss of a family member, yet they are strong when they think there is no strength left.
They know that a hug and a kiss can heal a broken heart.
Women come in all sizes, in all colors and shapes. They'll drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you to show how much they care about you.
The heart of a woman is what makes the world spin!
Women do more than just give birth.
They bring joy and hope.
They give compassion and ideals.
They give moral support to their family and friends.
Women have a lot to say and a lot to give.
Posted by Rachel Gilardi (Member # 4594) on 05-01-2002, 04:03 AM:
The Knob:
A woman in her late forties went to a plastic surgeon for a face-lift. The surgeon told her about a new procedure called "The Knob", in which a small knob is placed on the back of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a brand new face lift. Of course, the woman wanted "The Knob".
Fifteen years later, the same woman returned to the surgeon with two problems. "All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems. First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them."
The doctor looked at her closely and said, "Those aren't bags, those are your breasts." "Well," she replied, "I guess that explains the goatee."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 05-03-2002, 02:57 PM:
Rated R A man was out walking one day and went by a retirement home.
As he passed the front lawn, he saw nine old ladies basking in the sun in lounge chairs.
When he looked closer, he realized that they were all stark naked.
He went to the door and rang the bell. When the director answered the door, the man asked if he realized there were nine naked old ladies laying in the sun on the front lawn.
The director said, "Yes, and went on to explain that the old ladies were all retired prostitutes living at the retirement home and they were having a yard sale."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-28-2002, 08:49 PM:
Rated G ![[Smile]](smile.gif)
Ladies....it is okay to wait for the right man to come along but
in the meantime have some fun with the wrong ones. ![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-28-2002, 08:53 PM:
Rated G
A short and very obese woman bought a new hat that had a flaming red flower on a six-inch stem...One of her friends finally mustered up enough courage to suggest that the hat was not becoming to her.
"Heavens, I know that," replied the woman cheerily,"but when I meet people on the street, I'd rather have them say, "Look at that funny hat,' than 'Look at that funny fat woman.'"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-28-2002, 08:55 PM:
Rated PG The Ladies at Lunch
Mary: Ex #3 had a gigantic ego!
Jill: What do you mean?
Mary: Well, when he dropped his pants for the first time, he said, "Pretty nice, huh?"
I said, "When was the last time you had your eyes examined?";D
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-28-2002, 09:00 PM:
Rated G
Home computers are the perfect thing for women who don't feel that men provide them with enough frustration.
Posted by William Leland III (Member # 1400) on 12-30-2002, 02:24 PM:
Rated G
A young man is in a grocery store buying frozen pizza, toilet paper and milk. A young female cashier scans his items and looks at him and asks, " Are you single.?
The young man replies ," Yes, how did you know. Could you tell by what I was buying."
The cashier replies," No, because you're ugly."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-05-2003, 05:01 AM:
Rated PG
Slogan's for Women
1.I'm busy. You're ugly. Have a nice day.
2.Warning : I have an attitude and I know how to use it.
3.Remember my name - you'll be screaming it later.
4.Why do people with closed minds always open their mouths?
5.I'm a multi-tasker : I can talk and piss you off at the same time.
6.Do NOT start with me. You will NOT win.
7.You have the right to remain silent, so please SHUT UP.
8.Don't piss me off! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.
9.Guys have feelings too. But, like . . . who cares?
10.I don't believe in miracles. I rely on them.
11.Next mood swing : 6 minutes and counting.
12.I hate everybody, and you're next.
13.Please don't make me kill you.
14.And your point is . . .
15.I used to be schizophrenic, but we're OK now.
16.All stressed out and no one to choke.
17.I'm one of those bad things that happen to good people.
18.How can I miss you if you won't go away?
19.They aren't hot flashes, they're power surges!
20.Of course I don't look busy . . . I did it right the first time.
Posted by System Notices (Member # 2357) on 04-25-2005, 04:04 PM:
It has been 841 days since the last post.
Posted by Gordon Bachlund (Member # 124) on 04-25-2005, 04:04 PM:
Rated G
Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona on Valentine's Day when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride.
With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car. Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.
"What's in bag?" asked the old woman.
Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, "It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband."
The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said, "Good trade".
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 05-04-2005, 10:14 AM:
Rated G
It was a small town and the patrolman was making his evening rounds. As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two little old ladies sitting in a used car.
He stopped and asked them why they were sitting there in the car. Were they trying to steal it?
"Heavens no, we bought it."
"Then why don't you drive it away."
"We can't drive."
"Then why did you buy it?"
"We were told that if we bought a car here we'd get screwed .. so we're just waiting."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 05-23-2005, 10:51 AM:
Rated G The Ladies At Lunch
Mary: My ex was not in touch with reality.
Jill: Really? How do you mean?
Mary: Oh, he'd come into the kitchen in the morning and say, "Good morning, Honey! I'd like fried eggs, toast, bacon, juice, and coffee this morning."
Jill: How is that not reality?
Mary: I'd hand him a bowl and a box of cereal and say, "How stupid ARE you?"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 05-23-2005, 10:59 AM:
Rated G
Jill and Nadine hadn't seen each other in awhile, so they decided to meet for lunch. The talk naturally got around to their respective love lives. Jill confided that there really wasn't anyone special in her life. Nadine, on the other hand, was beaming about the new man she had found.
"He's perfect. He's handsome, and last night when we went out to dinner, he said the four little words I've been waiting to hear a man say to me!"
"He said 'will you marry me'?" Jill asked.
Nadine replied, "No, he said 'put your money away'."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-22-2005, 03:51 PM:
Rated G
"We have to teach this girl right from wrong."
"Okay. You teach her right."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-24-2005, 04:59 PM:
Rated G
Not all women give most of their waking thoughts to the problem of pleasing men. Some are married.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 07-04-2005, 11:08 AM:
Rated R
All women need to be on the lookout!
This new scam is being pulled mainly on older women who are apparently passed the age of giving a running pursuit.What happens is that when theintended victim stops for a red light, a completely nude and good looking,nicely tanned,unbelievably well endowed young man comes up.With muscles flexing,and body stretched to its full potential,he pretends to wash your
windshield.While he is doing this,another person opens the back door of your car,taking anything you have in the car.They are very good at this.
They got me seven times Friday and five times Saturday---I couldn't find them on Sunday.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 07-07-2005, 11:13 AM:
Rated G ![[Eek!]](eek.gif)
FEMALE GOLFING TERMS
1.CADDY - 2 women talking about a 3rd who isn't there to defend herself.
2.CHIPPING - Time to get our nails done again.
3.DOUBLE BOGIE - "Casablanca" followed by "African Queen."
4.FAIRWAY - Splitting the bill when the girls go to lunch.
5.GOOD LIE - Weight on our driver's license.
6.GREENS - Lunch we eat when we'd really love a cheeseburger.
7.HOLE-IN-ONE - Time to get new pantyhose.
8.IRON - What guys need to learn to do their own shirts.
9.ROUGH - Getting a guy to understand, well, pretty much anything.
10.SHAFT - You watch the kids while he gets to go golfing.
11.SLICE - "No thanks. . .just a sliver."
12.TEES - Putting on that Victoria Secret Negligee.
13.WATER HAZARD - Giving the kids too much to drink before a road trip.
14.WEDGE - Bathing suit that's too tight
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 08-12-2005, 12:06 PM:
Rated G
In a tiny village lived an old maid.
In spite of her old age,she was still a virgin.She was very proud of it. She knew her last days were getting closer,
so she told the local undertaker that she wanted to have the following inscription on her tombstone:
"Born as a virgin, lived as a virgin, died as a virgin."
Not long after,the old maid died peacefully, and the undertaker told his men what the lady had said.
The men went to carve it in, but being the lazy no-goods that they were, they thought the inscription to be unnecessarily long.
Instead they shortened it by simply inscribing:"Returned unopened."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 08-17-2005, 03:43 PM:
Rated G
I've never understood why women love cats. Cats are independent, they don't listen, they don't come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, and when they're home they like to be left alone and sleep.
In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 09-05-2005, 11:08 AM:
Rated G Denny in Yonkers
Okay, Okay, it *finally* all makes sense now... I never looked at it this way before:
MENtal illness
MEN strual cramps
MEN tal breakdown
MEN opause
GUY nocologist
AND .....
When we have REAL trouble, it's a HISterectomy.
Ever notice how all of women's problems start with MEN?
Send this to all the women you know to brighten their day.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 09-18-2005, 09:40 AM:
Rated G
The destruction of the Berlin wall marked history's first feminine revolution: There was no violence and when it ended everybody went shopping.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 09-20-2005, 10:36 AM:
Rated G
Pregnant?
1 800-Yer-What?!
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-27-2005, 03:32 PM:
Rated G Elaine
If you have to be the aggressor, if you have to pursue, if you have to do the asking out, nine times out of ten, he's not that interested in you.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-27-2005, 03:39 PM:
Rated G Bruce
Once upon a time there was a female brain cell who accidentally ended up in a man's head. She looked around nervously but it was all empty and quiet.
"Hello?" she cried, but no answer. "Is there anyone here?" she cried a little louder, but still no answer.
Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared and yelled at the top of her voice, "HELLO! IS THERE ANYONE HERE?"
Then she heard a very faint voice from far, far away...
"We're down here!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-10-2005, 07:05 AM:
Rated G
Q: Why do brunettes like their dark hair color?
A: It doesn't show the dirt.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-11-2005, 11:14 AM:
Rated G
What your sleeping position says about you:
According to a new article in 'Cosmopolitan' magazine, they say the position you sleep in says a lot about you.
They say women who sleep on their sides are sensitive, women who sleep on their stomachs are competent, and women who sleep on their backs with their ankles behind their ears are very popular.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-14-2005, 07:24 AM:
Rated G
Before I was a Mom
Before I was a Mom I never tripped over toys or forgot words to a lullaby.
I didn't worry about whether my plants were poisonous.
I never thought aboutimmunizations.
Before I was a Mom - I was never puked on.
Pooped on.
Chewed on.
Peed on.
I had complete control of my thoughts.
I slept all night.
Before I was a Mom I never held on to a screeming child so a doctor could do tests.
Or give shots.
I never looked into teary eyes and cried.
I never got gloriously happey over a simple grin.
I never sat up late hours at night watching a baby sleep.
Before I was a Mom I never held a sleeping baby just because I didn't want to put it down.
I never felt my heart break into a million pieces because I couldn't stop the hurt.
I never knew that something so small could effect my life so much.
I never knew that I could love someone so much.
I never knew I would love being a Mom.
Before I was a Mom - I didn't know the feeling of having my heart outside my body.
I didn't know how special it was to feed a hungry baby.
I didn't know that bond between a mother and her child.
I didn't know that something so small could make me feel so important and happy.
Before I was a Mom - I had never gotton up in the middle of the night every 10 minutesto make sure all was okay.
I had never known the warmth, The joy, The love,, The heartache, the wonderment or the satisfaction of being a Mom.
I didn't know I was capable of feeling so much before I was a Mom
And before I was a Grandma, I didn't know that all those "Mom" feelings more than doubled when you see that little bundle being held by "your baby"...
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-14-2005, 08:50 AM:
Rated G Phil
Women don't want to hear what you think. Women want to hear what they think, in a deeper voice.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-14-2005, 01:00 PM:
Rated G
A real woman has a special attitude toward money. If she earns it, it is hers; if her husband earns it, it is theirs.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-16-2005, 01:21 PM:
Rated G
I found this in the salon where I get my hair cut. The owner says she feels these rules are correctly stated.
THE RULES*
For those of you who don't already know, these are the rules that are in effect in every relationship.
The female always makes the rules.
These rules are subject to change at any time without prior notification.
No male can possibly know all the rules.
If the female suspects that the male knows all the rules, she must immediately change some or all of the rules.
The female is never wrong.
If the female is wrong it is because of a vagrant misunderstanding which was a direct result of something the male said or did wrong.
If rule number six applies, the male must immediately apologize for causing the misunderstanding.
The female can change her mind at any given point in time.
The male must never change his mind without express written consent of the female.
The female has every right to be angry or upset at any time.
The male must remain calm at all times, unless the female wants him to be angry or upset.
The female must under no circumstances let the male know whether she wants him to be calm, angry or upset.
Any attempt to document these rules could result in bodily harm.
The female always gets the last word!
*These rules are subject to change as the female sees fit.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-17-2005, 12:02 PM:
Rated G Lorraine
I had returned to my seat after having won a bottle of champagne on a cruise ship. The lady in the next chair said, "I'm fascinated by the color patterns in your dress.
When you walk, I can't take my eyes off you. And do you know, the farther away you go, the better you look."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-17-2005, 04:05 PM:
Rated G
"Sally," asked Linda one day, "what would you do if you caught another woman fooling around with your husband?"
"With George?" Sally thought it over. "Let's see; I'd break her cane, shoot her guide dog, and call a cab to take her back to the institution she escaped from."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-21-2005, 10:43 AM:
Rated G
A woman took her car to her mechanic. She told him "Every time I take any of my friends out in my car after a whil e there is this terrible smell. It never happens when I am on my own"
This quite intrigued the mechanic so he said, "OK, lets go for a spin and see what the problem is". Off they went. She drove down a one-way street in the wrong direction at 60 MPH, swerving, hitting the curb on both sides of the street, narrowly missed three pedestrians in pedestrian crossings, ran several red lights, and just missed a policeman on street traffic duty. They returned to the shop and she said, "There it is now; there's that terrible smell. Can you smell it?"
"Smell it ? Lady, I'm sitting in it".
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-27-2005, 11:21 AM:
Rated G Uncle Bubba
A Woman should have... one old love she can imagine going back toand one who reminds her how far she has come...
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ... enough money within her control to move out and rent a place of her own even if she never wants to or needs to...
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE something perfect to wear if the employer or date of her dreams wants to see her in an hour.
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE a youth she's content to leave behind...
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE... a past juicy enough that she's looking forward to retelling it in her old age...
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE a set of screwdrivers, cordless drill, and a black lace bra...
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE... one friend who always makes her laugh... and one who lets her cry.
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE a good piece of furniture not previously owned by anyone else in her family..
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE eight matching plates, wine glasses with stems, and a recipe for a meal that will make her guests feel honored..
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE... a feeling of control over her destiny...
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW... how to fall in love without losing herself...
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW... how to quit a job, break up with a lover, and confront a friend without ruining the friendship...and how to change a tire!!!!!!!
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW... when to try harder... and when to walk away...
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW... that she can't change the length of her calves, the width of her hips, or the nature of her parents.
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW... that her childhood may not have been perfect...but its over...
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW... what she would and wouldn 't do for love or more...
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW... how to live alone... even if she doesn't like it...
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW... whom she can trust, whom she can't, and why she shouldn't take it personally...
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW... where to go... be it to her best friend's kitchen table.. or a charming inn in the woods... when her soul needs soothing...
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW... what she can and can't accomplish in a day.. a month...and a year...
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-29-2005, 02:36 PM:
Rated G
Sigmund Freud once said: "What do women want?"
The only thing I have learned in fifty-two years is that women want men to stop asking dumb questions like that. D
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-08-2005, 02:15 PM:
Rated G Elaine
"Good girls go to heaven. Bad girls go everywhere."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-08-2005, 02:20 PM:
Rated G Sally
The Smell of a Woman
An old Italian woman is riding the elevator in a very lavish New York City Office Building.
A young and beautiful woman gets into the elevator and smelling like expensive perfume turns to the old Italian woman and says arrogantly, "Giorgio Beverly Hills, $100 an ounce!"
The next young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator and also very arrogantly turns to the old Italian woman and says, "Chanel No. 5, $150 an ounce!"
About three floors later, the old Italian woman has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves, she looks both beautiful women in the eye, she bends over, and farts..."Broccoli - 49 cents a pound!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-12-2005, 12:06 PM:
Rated G Elaine
An adventure may be worn as a muddy spot or it my be worn as a proud insignia. It is the woman wearing it who makes it the one thing or the other.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-13-2005, 08:23 AM:
Rated G Uncle Bubba
Q: What happens to Egyptian girls who forget to take the pill?
A: They become mummies.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-13-2005, 12:07 PM:
Rated G
If big boobed women work at Hooters, where do one legged women work?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
"IHOP"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-14-2005, 09:27 AM:
Rated G Lorraine
"If women dressed for men, the stores wouldn't sell much -- just an occasional sun visor."
--Groucho Marx
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-16-2005, 07:47 AM:
Rated G Betsy
Bras don't make any sense: A,B,C,D.What is this,a grade system? And isn't it interesting, the smaller you are, the better the grade.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-28-2005, 03:43 PM:
Rated G popo
According to a new book, they asked 50 women what they would do if they had a male sex organ for one day. Most of them said, 'Probably get a salary increase.'
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-04-2006, 07:00 AM:
Rated G Ken
It is said that women are often attracted to men who remind them of their fathers. So when on a date, remember to greet her with:
You're not going out in that?
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-05-2006, 09:05 AM:
Rated G
Two women were talking at a party, and one said, “Look at that awful-looking man over there… isn’t he hideous? I think he must be the most unattractive man I’ve ever seen in my life!”
“That happens to be my husband!” said the second icily.
“Oh dear,” said the first, covered in confusion, “I’m so sorry.”
To which the unfortunate wife replied, “You’re sorry…?”
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-09-2006, 07:55 AM:
Rated G B.B.
Humor Just for Women
What should you give a man who has everything? A woman to show him how to work it.
What's the smartest thing a man can say? "My wife says..."
What's the quickest way to a man's heart? Straight through the rib cage.
Why can't men get mad cow disease? Because they're all pigs.
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
What makes a man think about a candlelight dinner? A power failure.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-10-2006, 06:55 AM:
Rated G Ken
Within two years women will be able to get breast enhancement done in their lunch hour.
You get turned down for a raise in the morning. In the afternoon you can go in and try again.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-10-2006, 06:56 AM:
Rated G Elaine
Women in the workplace, we still have big strides.
Girlfriend of mine just got a new job. First question the new boss asked her was if she could make a good cup of coffee.
She stormed right out of that Starbucks.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-10-2006, 07:00 AM:
Rated G Diana
I'm starting to gain a little weight because you live with a man, you gain weight.
You know why?
You starved your whole life to get one; you got one, you're going to eat now.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-10-2006, 07:14 AM:
Rated G Diana
I think women should date younger men.
Thirty-five, forty-year-old women are peaking when eighteen-year-old boys are peaking, and that's who we should be peaking and poking.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-07-2006, 08:37 AM:
Rated G
A woman in my diet club was lamenting that she had gained weight. She'd made her family's favorite cake over the weekend, she reported, and they'd eaten half of it at dinner.
The next day, she said, she kept staring at the other half, until finally she cut a thin slice for herself. One slice led to another, and soon the whole cake was gone. The woman went on to tell us how upset she was with her lack of willpower, and how she knew her husband would be so disappointed.
Everyone commiserated, then someone asked what her husband said when he found out.
She smiled.
"He never found out. I made another cake and ate half!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-09-2006, 10:31 AM:
Rated G Diana
Woman to co-worker: "When you've dated as many clowns as I have, laugh lines are inevitable."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-10-2006, 10:44 AM:
Rated PG Ken
Do we know much about women?
Do we? We don't.
We know when they're happy; we know when they're crying; we know when they're pissed off.
We just don't know what order those are going to come at us.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-12-2006, 01:09 PM:
Rated G Sally
Men are like a fine wine. They start out as grapes. It's our job to stomp them, and then keep them in the dark until they mature. And hopefully they'll turn out to be something we would like to have dinner with.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-12-2006, 01:12 PM:
Rated G Michelle
If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose around your neck?
Q: What's the best way to kill a man?
A: Put a pretty blonde and a six-pack in front of him. Then tell him to pick only one.
Q: Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet?
A: Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
Q: What is the difference between men and women:....
A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need...A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.
Q. Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize 1 egg ?
A. They don't stop for directions.
Q: How does a man keep his youth?
A: By giving HER money, furs and diamonds.
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder to "instruction manuals"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-12-2006, 01:14 PM:
Rated PG Georgina
Men Are Like....
Men are like.....Placemats.
They only show up when there's food on the table.
Men are like.....Mascara.
They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
Men are like.....Bike helmets.
Handy in an emergency, but otherwise they just look silly.
Men are like.....Government bonds.
They take so long to mature.
Men are like.....Parking spots.
The good ones are taken, and the rest are too small.
Men are like.....Copiers.
You need them for reproduction, but that's about it.
Men are like.....Lava lamps.
Fun to look at, but not all that bright.
Men are like.....Bank accounts.
Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest.
Men are like.....High heels.
They're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.
Men are like.....Curling irons.
They're always hot, and they're always in your hair.
Men are like.....Mini skirts.
If you're not careful, they'll creep up your legs.
Men are like.....Bananas.
The older they get, the less firm they are.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-13-2006, 07:05 AM:
Rated G Diana
If the right man does not come along, there are many fates far worse. One is to have the wrong man come along.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-14-2006, 08:33 AM:
Rated G Elaine
A historic operation occurred over in Boston.
Doctors successfully transplanted tissue from a pig's brain to a man's brain, and the man's brain did not reject it.
That pretty much confirms what women have been saying about men.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-20-2006, 08:52 AM:
Rated G cutie pa2ti
Two women met at a laundromat. As they talked, the first woman said, "I have five children."
The other woman said, "That sounds nice. I wish I had five children."
"Don't you have any children?" asked the first woman.
"Yeah, ten!" said the second."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-21-2006, 12:32 PM:
Rated G
When you want a man to pay attention to you, wear a full-length black nightgown with buttons all over it.
Sure it's uncomfortable.
But it makes you look just like his remote control.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-27-2006, 10:51 AM:
Rated G Lorraine
I had been on a business trip with four other women, one of them my boss. Because we had been gone for seven days, we decided to take a couple of days off to be with our families. When we returned to work, my boss asked if my baby had missed me. "Oh, yes," I replied, "although the more often I go away, it seems the more independent my family becomes. They don't seem to need me so much."
After a moment's pause, my boss looked up with a wry smile. "So," she asked, "how many more times do you think it's going to take?"
[ 03-12-2006, 09:09 AM: Message edited by: Bob Maar ]
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-12-2006, 09:09 AM:
Rated G Lorraine
"Women have a passion for mathematics. They divide their age in half, double the price of their clothes, and always add at least five years to the age of their best friend."
Marcel Achard
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-24-2006, 04:18 PM:
Rated G Lorraine
"Shopping is a woman thing. It's a contact sport like football. Women enjoy the scrimmage, the noisy crowds, the danger of being trampled to death, and the ecstasy of the purchase."
Erma Bombeck
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-28-2006, 01:49 PM:
Rated G
Many women are afraid of their first mammogram, but there’s no need to worry. By taking a few minutes each day for a week preceding the exam, and doing the following practice exercises, you will be totally prepared. And you can do this right in your own home!
Exercise 1:
Open your refrigerator door and insert one breast between the door and the main box. Have one of your strongest friends slam the door shut and lean on the door for good measure. Hold that position for five seconds (while you hold your breath). Repeat again, in case the first time wasn’t effective enough.
Exercise 2:
Visit your garage at 3 am when the temperature of the cement floor is just perfect. Take off your clothes and lie comfortably on the floor with one breast wedged under the rear tire of the car. Ask a friend to slowly back the car up until your breast is sufficiently flattened and chilled. Turn over and repeat for the other breast.
Exercise 3:
Freeze two metal bookends overnight. Strip to the waist. Invite a stranger into the room. Press the bookends against one of your breasts. Smash the bookends together as hard as you can. Set an appointment with the stranger to meet next week and do it again!!
CONGRATULATIONS! Now you have nothing at all to worry about when you go for your Mammogram!
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-29-2006, 09:03 AM:
Rated G Caroline
My friends hired a male stripper for my birthday present.
This guy starts throwing his clothes off, and asks me, "What are you thinking, babe?"
I'm thinking I've been married too long, because I said ...
"You're going to pick up after yourself, aren't you?"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-31-2006, 05:35 PM:
Rated G A DICTIONARY FOR WOMEN
Argument (ar*gyou*ment) n.
A discussion that occurs when you're right, but he just hasn't realized it yet.
Airhead (er*hed) n.
What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman.
Bar-be-que (bar*bi*q) n
You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything up, but, he, "made the dinner."
Blonde jokes (blond joks) n.
Jokes that are short so men can understand them.
Cantaloupe (kant*e*lope) n
Gotta get married in a church.
Clothes dryer (kloze dri*yer) n.
An appliance designed to eat socks.
Diet Soda (dy*it so*da) n.
A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half pound bag of pea nut M&Ms.
Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee) n.
The last two minutes of a football game.
Exercise (ex*er*siz) v
To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase.
Grocery List (grow*ser*ee list) n.
What you spend half an hour writing, then forget to take with you to the store.
Hair Dresser (hare dres*er) n.
Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to duplicate again. See "Magician."
Hardware Store (hard*war stor) n
Similar to a black hole in space-if he goes in, he isn't coming out anytime soon.
Childbirth (child*brth) n.
You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say "focus,...breath...push..."
Lipstick (lip*stik) n
On your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your mouth.
On his collar, coloring only a tramp would wear...!
Park (park) v./n.
Before children, a verb meaning, "to go somewhere and neck."
After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide.
Patience (pa*shens) n.
The most important ingredient for dating, marriage and children.
See also "tranquilizers."
Waterproof Mascara (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah) n.
Comes off if you cry, shower, or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it.
Valentine's Day (val*en*tinez dae) n
A day when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds, and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-05-2006, 08:26 AM:
Rated G cutie pa2ti
Sue: I'm on a new diet and exercise program. Every morning after breakfast I go horseback riding.
Amy: Is it working?
Sue: So far the horse has lost ten pounds.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-05-2006, 08:50 AM:
Rated G Ken
Women, don't get a tattoo.
That butterfly looks great on your breast when you're twenty or thirty, but when you get to seventy, it stretches into a condor.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-05-2006, 12:50 PM:
Rated G Betsy
You have to have the kind of body that doesn't need a girdle in order to get to pose in one.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-28-2006, 08:13 AM:
Rated G
This was written by Andy Rooney from CBS 60 Minutes.
As I grow in age, I value women who are over 40 most of all. Here are just a few reasons why...
A woman over 40 will never wake you in the middle of the night to ask," what are you thinking?" She doesn't care what you think.
If a woman over 40 doesn't want to watch the game, she doesn't sit around whining about it. She does something she wants to do. And, it's usually something more interesting.
Women over 40 are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you, if they think they can get away with it.
Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what it's like to be unappreciated.
Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to a woman over 40.
Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over 40 is far sexier than her younger counterpart.
Older women are forthright and honest. They'll tell you right off if you are a jerk or if you are acting like one!
You don't ever have to wonder where you stand with her.
Yes, we praise women over 40 for a multitude of reasons.
Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed hot woman of 40+, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year-old waitress. Ladies, I apologize.
For all those men who say, "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free".
Here's an update for you:
Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage,why? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire Pig,just to get a little sausage.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-06-2006, 01:14 PM:
Rated PG
Joan, who was a rather well-proportioned secretary,spent almost all of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of the hotel. She wore a bathing suit the first day, but on the second, she deceided that no one could see her way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan.
She hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs. She was lying on her stomach, so she pulled a towel over her rear.
"Excuse me, miss," said the flustered assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. The Hilton doesn't mind your sunbathing on the roof, but we would very much appreciate your wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday.
"What difference does it make?" Joan asked rather calmly. "No one can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel."
"Not exactly," said the embarrassed man. "Your lying on the dining room skylight."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-13-2006, 12:31 PM:
Rated R
13 Things PMS Stands For:
1. Pass my shotgun
2. Psyhotic Mood Shift
3. Perpetual Mood Swing
4. Puffy Mid-Section
5. People Make me Sick
6. Provide Me with Sweets
7. Pardon My Sobbing
8. Pimples May Surface
9. Pass My sweat Pants
10. Pissy Mood Syndrom
11. Plainly; Men Suck
12. Pack My Stuff
and my favorite.....
13. Potential Murder Suspect.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-13-2006, 04:36 PM:
Rated G
"A woman in India claims that she has lived to be 120 years old by drinking wine and smoking pot every day. No one had the heart to tell the stoned woman that she's only 35."
--Conan O'Brien
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-16-2006, 11:26 AM:
Rated G B.B.
As the three ladies picked up a menu, each put on a pair of glasses. "I really only need mine for close reading," explained the first.
Remarked the second, "I only use mine when the light is bad."
The third confessed, "I rarely wear mine - except when I want to see."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-06-2007, 09:03 AM:
Rated PG
Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. One of the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Maude: What in the hell is that?
Mabel: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Maude: Where did you get it?
Mabel: You can get them at any drugstore.
The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms .
The pharmacist,obviously embarrassed,looks at her kind of strangely(she is after all, over 80 years of age),but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.
"Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel."
The pharmacist fainted.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-09-2007, 02:41 PM:
Rated PG Sally
Q: Why do little boy's whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.
Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.
Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?
A: Trustworthy.
Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?
A: It helps them remember which end to wipe.
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manual."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-11-2007, 10:15 AM:
Rated G Judy
Men are like fine wine: They all start out as grapes, and it is your job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something you'd want to have with dinner.
Men are like computers: Hard to figure out and never have enough memory.
Men are like coolers: Load them with beer, and you can take them anywhere.
Men are like coffee: The best ones are rich, warm, and keep you up all night long.
Men are like horoscopes: They always tell you what to do, and they are always wrong.
Men are like plungers: They spend most of their time in the hardware store or the bathroom.
Men are like parking spots: The good ones are taken, and the rest are handicapped.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-11-2007, 10:19 AM:
Rated G Lorraine
To a woman who complained about her destiny the Master said, "It is you who make your destiny."
"But surely I am not responsible for being born a woman?"
"Being born a woman isn't destiny. That is fate. Destiny is how you accept your womanhood and what you make of it."
[ 01-15-2007, 09:23 AM: Message edited by: Bob Maar ]
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-18-2007, 08:34 PM:
Rated R Ed in Middletown
Words Women Use:
1.) Fine:
This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up
2.) Five Minutes:
If she is getting dressed, this means half an hour. Five Minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
3.) Nothing:
This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
4.) Go Ahead:
This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
5.) Loud Sigh:
This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing (refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing).
6.) That's Okay:
This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
7.) Thanks:
A woman is thanking you - do not question or faint. Just say you're welcome.
8.) Whatever:
Is a woman's way of saying FucK YOU!
9.) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking, "what's wrong." For the woman's response, refer to # 3.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-19-2007, 01:59 PM:
Rated G Lorraine
I was shopping in a department store when I heard a woman scream: "My God! Oh, my God!" Thinking it must be an emergency, I rushed over. I rounded the corner and saw a middle-aged woman with her hand on her chest, head down. She was standing on a scale.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-21-2007, 09:05 AM:
Rated G Sandy
A woman, in her fifties, is at home happily jumping unclothed on
her bed. Her husband watches her for a while and asks, "Do you
have any idea how ridiculous you look? What's the matter with you"?
The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says, "I don't care what you think. I just came from having a mammogram, and the doctor says that not only am I healthy, but I have the breasts of an 18 year-old.
The husband replies, "What did he say about your 55-year old ass?"
"Your name never came up," she replied.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-25-2007, 08:38 PM:
Rated G Sandy
He didn't like the casserole
And he didn't like my cake.
He said my biscuits were too hard...
Not like his mother used to make.
I didn't perk the coffee right
He didn't like the stew,
I didn't mend his socks
The way his mother used to do.
I pondered for an answer
I was looking for a clue.
Then I turned around and smacked the shit out of him...
Like his mother used to do.
Posted by Tobia Scapin (Member # 2359) on 01-27-2007, 04:04 AM:
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-01-2007, 08:36 AM:
Rated G Ed in Aurora
Three old ladies named Gertrude, Maude,and Pat were sitting on a park bench having a quiet conversation when a flasher approached from across the park.
The man came up to the ladies,stood right in front of them, opened his trench coat and exposed himself.
Gertrude and Maude both had a stroke. But Pat, being older and feebler, bless her heart, couldn't reach that far.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-05-2007, 07:48 AM:
Rated G Ed in Aurora, Ont.
Smart Woman
Barbara Walters of 20/20 did a story on gender roles in Kabul, Afghanistan, several years before the Afghan conflict.She noted that the women customarily walked 5 paces behind their husbands.
She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walk behind their husbands. From Ms. Walters vantage point, despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime,the women now seem to walk even further back behind their husbands and are happy to maintain the old custom.
Ms.Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked "Why do you now seem happy with the old custom that you once tried so desperately to change?"
The woman looked Ms. Walters straight in the eyes and without hesitation said,
"Land mines."
Moral of the story: Behind every man is a smart woman.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-07-2007, 08:51 AM:
Rated G
Wyoming Women
Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties.
The first man had married a Woman from Colorado and had told her that she was going to do dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple days, but on the third day he came home to a clean house and dishes washed and put away.
The second man had married a woman from Nebraska He had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning,dishes, and the cooking.
The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table.
The third man had married a girl from WYOMING . He told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned,dishes washed, lawn mowed,laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything,but by the third day some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye,enough to fix himself a bite to eat and load the dishwasher.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-22-2007, 09:14 AM:
Rated G Sandy in Coronado, Ca.
THIS COULD BE TRUE=======
Dear Friends,
This chain letter was started in hopes of bringing relief to other tired
and discouraged women.
Unlike most chain letters, this one does not cost anything. Just send a
copy of this letter to five of your female friends who are equally tired and
discontented.
Then bundle up the man in your life, send him to the woman whose name
appears at the top of the following list, and then add your name to the bottom of the list.
When your turn comes, you will receive 15,625 men. One of them is bound to be better than the one you already have.
At the writing of this letter, a friend of mine had already received 184
men, of whom one may be well worth keeping.
An unmarried woman living with her widowed mother was able to choose
between a Chippendale dancer and an Olympic swimmer.
You can be lucky too, but DO NOT BREAK THE CHAIN!
One woman broke the chain and got her own husband back! So let's keep it going, ladies!
Just add your name and address to the list below:
Laura Bush
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, D.C
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-27-2007, 02:36 PM:
Rated G Lorraine
Elizabeth Barrett Browning:
Women know The way to rear up children (to be just)
They know a simple, merry, tender knack
Of tying sashes, fitting baby-shoes
And stringing pretty words that make no sense.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-15-2007, 08:56 AM:
Rated G Ken
Women have a passion for mathematics. They divide their age in half, double the price of their clothes and always add at least five years to the age of their best friend.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-27-2007, 10:51 AM:
Rated G Ed in Aurora, Ont.
Pregnancy, Estrogen and Women
Pregnancy Q & A & more! [/b]
Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.
Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.
Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.
Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?
Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.
Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A! : Right after you find out you're pregnant.
Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.
Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.
Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.
Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.
"ESTROGEN ISSUES"
10 WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE "ESTROGEN ISSUES"
1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet.
3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.
4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.
5. You're using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says: "How's my driving-call 1- 800-".
6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.
7. Everyone seems to have just landed here from "outer space".
8. Your not as nice as you used to be and you used to be a witch
9. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.
10. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.
TOP TEN THINGS ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND
10 Cats' facial expressions.
9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors.
8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds.
7. Fat clothes.
6 Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time.
5. The difference between beige, ecru, cream, off-white, and eggshell.
4. Cutting your hair to make it grow.
3. Eyelash curlers.
2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.
AND, the Number One thing only women understand:
1. OTHER WOMEN
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 09-16-2007, 06:28 PM:
Rated G Diana
Oh, how I regret not having worn a bikini for the entire year I was twenty-six. If anyone young is reading this, go right this minute, put on a bikini, and don't take it off until you're thirty-four.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-21-2007, 10:49 PM:
Rated G the little woman
While trying on clothing in a department store dressing room, I could hear the conversation between two ladies in the next cubicle. "You know," said one, "I thought my looks were improving with age, then I realized my eyesight is deteriorating."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-21-2007, 10:50 PM:
Rated G the little woman
As the three ladies picked up a menu, each put on a pair of glasses. "I really only need mine for close reading," explained the first.
Remarked the second, "I only use mine when the light is bad."
The third confessed, "I rarely wear mine - except when I want to see."
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 01-16-2008, 04:23 PM:
Q. How are husbands like lawn mowers?
A. They're hard to get started, they emit noxious odours, and half the time they don't work.
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 01-16-2008, 04:24 PM:
Q. How can you tell when a man is well hung?
A. When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 01-16-2008, 04:24 PM:
Q. How do men define a "50/50" relationship?
A. We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 01-16-2008, 04:24 PM:
Q. How do men exercise on the beach?
A. By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 01-16-2008, 04:25 PM:
Q. How do you get a man to stop biting his nails?
A. Make him wear shoes.
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 01-16-2008, 04:25 PM:
Q. How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A. Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals."
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 01-16-2008, 04:25 PM:
Q. How does a man show he's planning for the future?
A. He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 01-16-2008, 04:26 PM:
Q. How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male?
A. All he's concerned with is legs, breasts and thighs.
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 01-16-2008, 04:26 PM:
Q. What do most men consider a gourmet restaurant?
A. Any place without a drive-up window.
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 01-16-2008, 04:26 PM:
Q. What do you call a handcuffed man?
A. Trustworthy.
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 01-16-2008, 04:26 PM:
Rated R
Q. What do you call the useless piece of skin on the end of a man's penis?
A. His body.
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 01-16-2008, 04:27 PM:
Q. What makes a man think about a candlelight dinner?
A. A power failure.
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 01-16-2008, 04:27 PM:
Q. What should you give a man who has everything?
A. A woman to show him how to work it.
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 01-16-2008, 04:27 PM:
Q. What do men and mascara have in common?
A. They both run at the first sign of emotion.
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 01-16-2008, 04:28 PM:
Q. What do men and pantyhose have in common?
A. They either cling, run, or don't fit right in the crotch!
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 01-16-2008, 04:28 PM:
Q. What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man?
A. His wife is good at picking out clothes.
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 01-16-2008, 04:28 PM:
Q. What's a man's definition of a romantic evening?
A. Sex.
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 01-16-2008, 04:28 PM:
Q. What's a man's idea of honestly in a relationship?
A. Telling you his real name.
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 01-16-2008, 04:28 PM:
Q. What's the best way to force a man to do sit ups?
A. Put the remote control between his toes.
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 01-16-2008, 04:29 PM:
Q. What's the difference between Big Foot and intelligent man?
A. Big Foot's been spotted a several times.
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 01-16-2008, 04:29 PM:
Q. What's the smartest thing a man can say?
A. "My wife says..."
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 01-16-2008, 04:29 PM:
Q. Why can't men get mad cow disease?
A. Because they're all pigs.
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 01-16-2008, 04:30 PM:
Q. Why do men like smart women?
A. Opposites attract.
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 01-16-2008, 04:30 PM:
Rated PG-13
Q. Why do men name their penises?
A. Because they don't like the idea of having a stranger make 90% of their decisions.
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 01-16-2008, 04:30 PM:
Q. Why do men need instant replay on TV sports?
A. Because after 30 seconds they forget what happened.
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 01-16-2008, 04:30 PM:
Q. Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet?
A. Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 01-16-2008, 04:31 PM:
Q. Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven?
A. Because if they all went, it would be Hell.
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 01-16-2008, 04:31 PM:
Q. What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A. A widow.
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 01-16-2008, 04:31 PM:
Q. When do you care for a man's company?
A. When he owns it.
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 01-16-2008, 04:31 PM:
Rated PG
Q. What do men and sperm have in common?
A. They both have one in a million chance of becoming a human being.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-04-2008, 12:46 PM:
Rated G Lorraine
I once knew a woman who turned into a deer when the moon was full.
She was a real weredoe.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-10-2008, 08:34 AM:
Rated G
9 WORDS/PHRASES WOMEN USE
(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with "nothing" usually end in "fine."
(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of "nothing.")
(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. "That's okay" means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question it or faint. Just say "you're welcome." (I want to add in a clause here: This is true, unless she says "Thanks a lot"--that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say "you're welcome"--that will bring on a "whatever").
(8) Whatever: Is a women's way of saying F____ YOU!
(9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking "What's wrong?" For the woman's response refer to #3.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-13-2008, 02:48 PM:
Rated G the little woman
"WOMEN SEEKING MEN" Classifieds translations
Commitment-minded means: Pick out curtains, now!
Communication important means: Just try to get a word in edgewise
Contagious Smile means: Bring your penicillin
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-20-2008, 05:38 PM:
Rated G MikeFay
In a recent survey it was found that 23% of American Women have used vibrators.
My question is, why not just buy new ones? Wouldn't they be more sanitary?
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-11-2008, 02:20 PM:
Rated G Four Little Words
Heather and Marcy hadn't seen each other in awhile, so they decided to meet for lunch. The talk naturally got around to their respective love lives. Marcy confided that there really wasn't anyone special in her life.
Heather, on the other hand, was beaming about the new man she had found. "He's perfect. He's handsome, and last night when we went out to dinner, he said the four little words I've been waiting to hear a man say to me!"
"He said 'will you marry me'?" Marcy asked.
Heather replied, "No, he said 'put your money away'."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-16-2008, 01:39 PM:
Rated G
28 Things Guys Wish Girls Knew
1.. We're not as big of perverts as you think we all are.
2.. No matter what you say, your ex-boyfriend is an asshole
3.. We like you to give us hugs and kisses sometimes too.
4.. Don't argue with us when we call you beautiful.
5.. Don't treat us like crap, what goes around comes around.
6.. We know you're pretty, that's one of the reason's we're going out with you.
7.. Don't go into detail about your period. It scares us.
8.. If you have cramps and we ask you what's wrong, just tell us it's that time of the month and nothing more.
9.. If you really liked us for us, you would let us think that our mustache, beard, or sideburns looked cool.
10.. We never shave our legs. Get over it.
11.. NEVER ask us if you can put make up on us. It's just wrong.
12.. Don't make bets about us, because one of your friends will tell us if you don't.
13.. When we tell you that you're not fat, believe us.
14.. We absolutely do not care about the Backstreet Boys, NSYNC, 98 Degrees,or what any other guy looks like for that matter.
15.. We may not be able to pee accurately all of the time, but at least we can stand up and go pee.
16.. Just cause you think you're always right doesn't mean that you don't have to apologize when you do something "wrong."
17.. You expect us to say and do sweet things for you, but it would be nice if you did the same every once in a while. We like to know that you love us.
18.. We can't always be spontaneous, so try to help us make the plans sometimes.
19.. Don't ask us to beat up another guy for you, cause you might just get what you wish for.
20.. Never kick us in the nuts "just to see what we would say."
21.. Never pretend like you are going to break up with us and laugh when we believe you.
22.. Pamela Anderson's boobs aren't fake anymore, but we like yours better anyway.
23.. Size doesn't matter, except to idiots who don't want a relationship.
24.. PMS is not an excuse.
25.. If you want us to put the seat down when we're done, you should put it up when you're done.
26.. Don't tell us how cute your ex-boyfriend was. That doesn't turn us on.
27.. Always remember: The way to a guy's heart is through his stomach.....and maybe....oh never mind.
28.. And last but not least: We know you're not always right, but we'll pretend like you are anyway.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 07-08-2008, 03:26 PM:
Rated G Lorraine
Several women, each trying to one-up the other, appeared in court, each accusing the others of causing the trouble they were having in the apartment building where they lived.
The judge, with Solomon-like wisdom decreed that he was ready to hear the evidence, and the oldest would speak first.
The case was dismissed for lack of testimony.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 07-21-2008, 12:05 PM:
Rated G Jokester
A Poem for Women
He didn't like the casserole
And he didn't like my cake
My biscuits were to hard
Not like his mother used to make.
I didn't perk the coffee right
He didn't like the stew,
I didn't mend his socks
The way his mother used to do.
I pondered for an answer
I was looking for a clue,
Then I turned around and smacked him
Like his mother used to do.
Posted by Gordon Bachlund (Member # 124) on 09-14-2008, 02:37 PM:
Rated PG...
A woman visited her plastic surgeon who told her about a new procedure called 'The Knob,' where a small knob is placed at the top of the woman's head and could be turned to tighten up her skin and produce the effect of a brand new face-lift. Of course, the woman wanted 'The Knob.'
Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful, the woman remained young looking and vibrant.
After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems. 'All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems: First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them.'
The doctor looked at her closely and said, 'Those aren't bags, those are your breasts.'
She said, 'Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee.'
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-13-2008, 09:25 AM:
Rated G Denny in Yonkers
Subject: THINK before you speak...
The last one is great!
Have you ever
spoken and wished that you could
Immediately take the words back...
Or that you could crawl into a hole?
Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did....
FIRST TESTIMONY:
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow And asked loudly,'How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?'
I turned around and walked back out and never went back
My husband didn't say a word...
He knew better.
SECOND TESTIMONY:
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls.
I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using.
After browsing for several minutes,
I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me.
Without thinking, I looked at him and said, 'I think I like playing with mens balls'
THIRD TESTIMONY:
My sister and I were at the mall and Passed by a store that sold a Variety of candy and nuts.
As we were looking at the display case,The boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help.
I replied, 'No, I'm just looking at your nuts.'My sister started to laugh hysterically.The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away.To this day,My sister has never let me forget.
FOURTH TESTIM ONY:
While in line at the bank one afternoon,
My toddler decided to release
Some pent-up energy and ran amok.
I was finally able to grab hold of
Her after receiving looks of disgust
And annoyance from other patrons.
I told her that if she did not start behaving
'right now' she would be punished.
To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening,'If you don't let me go right now,
I will tell Grandma that I saw you Kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!'
The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange.
Even the tellers stopped what they were doing.
I mustered up the last of my dignity and
Walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow.
The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of
laughter.
FIFTH TESTIMONY:
Have you ever asked your child a question too many times?
My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly.One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch, in between errands It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny,
So of course I checked My seven-month-old daughter, she was clean. Then realized that DannyHad not asked to go PoTTY in a while.I asked him if he needed to go,And he said 'No'.
I kept thinking'Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me.'
Then I said, 'Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?'
'No,' he replied.I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse.
Soooooo, I asked one more time, 'Danny did you have an accident ? This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants,
Bent over, spread his cheeks
And yelled 'SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!'
While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing,
He calmly pulled up his pants and sat down.
An old couple made me feel better,Thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!
LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY:
This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days
And a very embarrassed female news anchor who will,
In the future, likely think before she speaks.
We had a female news anchor who
The day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't,
Turned to the weatherman and asked:
'So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?'
Not only did HE have to leave the set,
But half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!
Now, didn't that feel good?
Pass it on to someone you know who needs a laugh and remember
We all say things we don't really mean,
So think before you speak
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-25-2008, 05:30 PM:
Rated G Jokester
The Radio
A woman always wanted an expensive car -- a status symbol to drive around and be seen in. She scrimps and saves, goes to the BMW dealer, and plops down several years of income for a brand new state-of-the-art, computer enhanced, kick-butt, dream mobile.
She's driving off. Decides she wants some music and searches for the radio. The dashboard looks like a control panel at NASA. She fiddles with this button, that gizmo... jiggles these and those, but finally gives up.
Furious, she races back to the dealership and screams at the salesman. Tells him they forgot to install the radio. He assures her it's right there in front of her. It's hooked into the onboard computer. All she has to do is tell it what she wants.
He demonstrates:
"Classical," he says. "click" The car fills with the sounds of Paganini.
"Blues," she says, and "click" a B.B. King classic plays.
She drives off amazed.
"Country," she says, and "click" a Garth Brooks tune comes on.
"Folk" and "click" Joan Baez sings about the night they drove ol' Dixie down.
"New Age" and "click" Yanni at the Acropolis snaps on.
She's so captivated by this new toy that she isn't paying much attention to the road.
Another driver runs a light and cuts her off. "A**HOLE!!!" she screams. "click" "Ladies and gentlemen, the President of the United States."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-25-2008, 05:36 PM:
Rated XXX Jokester
Dating Women
WHITE WOMEN:
First date: You get to kiss her goodnight.
Second date: You get to grope all over and make out a bit.
Third date: You get to have sex but only in the missionary position.
IRISH WOMEN:
First Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
Second Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
20th Anniversary: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
ITALIAN WOMEN:
First Date: You take her to a play and an expensive restaurant.
Second Date: You meet her parents and her Mom makes spaghetti and meatballs.
Third Date: You have sex, she wants to marry you & insists on a 3-carat ring.
5th Anniversary: You already have 5 kids together & hate the thought of having sex.
6th Anniversary: You find yourself a Mistress.
JEWISH WOMEN:
First Date: You get terrific head.
Second Date: You get even more great head.
Third Date: You tell her you'll marry her and never get head again.
CHINESE WOMEN:
First date: You get to buy her an expensive dinner but nothing happens.
Second date: You buy her an even more expensive dinner. Nothing happens again.
Third date: You don't even get to the third date and you've already realized nothing is ever going to happen.
INDIAN WOMEN:
First date: Meet her parents.
Second date: Set the date of the wedding.
Third date: Wedding night.
BLACK WOMEN:
First Date: You get to buy her a real expensive dinner.
Second Date: You get to buy her and her girlfriends a real expensive dinner.
Third Date: You get to pay her rent.
Tenth Date: She's pregnant by someone other than you.
MEXICAN WOMEN:
First Date: You buy her an expensive dinner, get drunk on Tequila, and have sex in the back of her car.
Second Date: She's pregnant.
Third Date: She moves in. One week later, her mother, father, his girlfriend, her two sisters, her brother, all of their kids, her grandma, her father's girlfriend's mother, her two cousins, her sister's Boyfriend and his three kids move in and you live on rice and beans for the rest of your life in your home that used to be nice, but now looks like a home along the Tijuana strip.
ARAB WOMEN:
First Date: Mother, Father, Brothers, Sisters, Cousins, Aunts, Uncles, Friends and entire Arab community finds out.
Second Date: You are shot dead.
No third date.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-13-2008, 11:01 AM:
Rated G Betsy
Although married four times, my friend Judy had never been in a bridal party.
So she was thrilled when asked to be a maid of honor.
"Finally," I told her. "We used to say, 'Poor Judy, always a bride, never a bridesmaid.'"
Posted by System Notices (Member # 2357) on 09-03-2010, 01:47 PM:
It has been 659 days since the last post.
Posted by Gordon Bachlund (Member # 124) on 09-03-2010, 01:47 PM:
Rated PG
Two informally dressed ladies happened to start up a conversation during an endless wait in airport. The first lady was an arrogant California woman married to a wealthy man. The second was a well mannered elderly woman from the South.
When the conversation centered on whether they had any children, the California woman started by saying, "When my first child was born, my husband built a beautiful mansion for me."
The lady from the South commented, "Well, isn't that precious?"
The first woman continued, "When my second child was born, my husband bought me a beautiful Mercedes-Benz..
Again, the lady from the South commented, "Well, isn't that precious?"
The first woman continued boasting, "Then, when my third child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet.
Yet again, the Southern lady commented, "Well, isn't that precious?"
The first woman then asked her companion, "What did your husband buy for you when you had your first child?"
"My husband sent me to charm school," declared the Southern lady.
"Charm school?" the first woman cried, "Oh, my God! What on earth for?"
The Southern lady responded, "Well for example, instead of saying "Who gives a shit?" I learned to say, "Well, isn't that precious"....
Posted by Gordon Bachlund (Member # 124) on 02-26-2011, 12:18 PM:
Rated G...
Lunch with the girls through the ages
A group of 15-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Dairy Queen next to the Ocean View restaurant because they had only $6.00 among them and Jimmy Johnson, the cute boy in Social Studies, lived on that street.
10 years later, the group of 25-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the beer was cheap, the restaurant offered free snacks, the band was good, there was no cover and there were lots of cute guys.
10 years later, the group of 35-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the cosmos were good, it was right near the gym and, if they went late enough, there wouldn't be too many whiny little kids.
10 years later, the group of 45-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the martinis were big and the waiters had tight pants and nice buns.
10 years later, the group of 55-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the prices were reasonable, the wine list was good, the restaurant had windows that opened (in case of a hot flashes), and fish is good for cholesterol.
10 years later, the group of 65-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the lighting was good and the restaurant had an early bird special.
10 years later, the group of 75-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the food was not too spicy and the restaurant was handicapped-accessible.
10 years later, the group of 85-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agre ed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they had never been there before.
Posted by Gordon Bachlund (Member # 124) on 09-10-2011, 02:52 PM:
Rated PG...
A woman went to her doctor for a follow-up visit after the doctor had prescribed testosterone for her. She was a little worried about some of the side effects she was experiencing.
"Doctor, the hormones you've been giving me have really helped, but I'm afraid that you're giving me too much. I've started growing hair in places that I've never grown hair before."
The doctor reassured as best he could.
"A little hair growth is a perfectly normal side effect of testosterone. Just where has this hair appeared?"
"On my balls," she replied.