This is topic Gambling in forum Bob Maar's Joke-A-Thon at Film-Tech Forum ARCHIVE.
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Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 08-01-2001, 01:07 PM:
Rated G 
Two bored dealers are waiting around for someone to walk up and try their luck at the craps table.
A very attractive lady comes in and wants to bet twenty-thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice.
The dealers agree.
She says, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm bottomless."
With that she strips naked from the waist down, and rolls the dice while yelling, "Momma needs a new pair of pants!"
She then begins jumping up and down and hugging each of the dealers. "YES! I WIN! I WIN!"
With that she picks up her money and clothes and quickly leaves.
The dealers just stare at each other dumbfounded.
Finally one of them asks, "What did she roll anyway?"
The other answers, "I don't know. I thought YOU were watching the dice!"
Posted by Paul Mayer (Member # 355) on 04-13-2002, 11:09 PM:
Rated G
You might be from Las Vegas if....
You no longer associate bridges with water.
You can say "115 degrees" without fainting.
You have made instant sun tea.
You have learned that a seat belt makes a good branding iron.
The temperature drops below 85, and you feel a bit chilled.
You have never seen a snow shovel and don't know anyone who owns one.
You have learned that, in July, it takes only 2 fingers to drive your car.
You have discovered you can get a sunburn through your car window.
You notice the best parking place is determined by shade, not distance.
You know someone who has paid to get a job parking cars.
It's noon in July, kids are on summer vacation, and not one person is on the streets.
Half of the people you know work in a casino.
Hot water comes out of both taps.
You do not own an umbrella and would not know where to go to get one.
You don't find it strange that the grocery store, the drug store and the 7-11 all have slot machines in them.
You are comfortable at 102 degrees.
You have spent the entire day trying to find a store that carries snow chains for your car.
You actually burned your hand opening the car door.
No one you know would dream of putting vinyl upholstery in a car or not having air conditioning.
If the local weather service records 0.02 inches they call it rain.
You don't know anyone who owns a raincoat.
You have cooked a dozen eggs in the trunk of your car between the grocery store and your home.
Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, "What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death?"
You realize that asphalt has a liquid state.
Half of your neighbors are from California and the other half are from New York.
You think snow on the ground is an abstract concept.
You have forgotten how to drive on wet roads.
The local cows have been known to give powdered milk.
The trees are whistling for the dogs.
You pray, "I wish it would rain; not so much for me, because I've seen it, but for my 7-year-old."
You can say, "but it's dry heat" without laughing.
The water in your pool has been too hot to swim in and you don't even have a heater.
You have ever cooked outside without lighting the grill.
Your power bill in the summer is more than your mortgage payment.
You have had to take out a loan to pay your water bill.
You think it was better when the "Mob" ran the town.
You have ever thought, "If I only had the neon and lightbulb concession."
You have ever golfed when it was 117 degrees.
You have visited the Eiffel Tower, the Statue of Liberty, Venice, and the Pyramids and never had to leave town.
The song "I'm dreaming of a White Christmas" has no real meaning.
You can't buy a car on Sunday from a car dealer, but you can buy a drink, gamble or get a massage.
You think it is autumn when the temperature drops to 99 degrees.
You've golfed in December in a short sleeved shirt.
You've tried to work on your car in the summertime and burned your hand picking up a wrench left laying in the sun.
You've never had an auto battery last more than three years.
VIVA Las Vegas!
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-04-2003, 11:38 AM:
Rated G ![[Smile]](smile.gif)
Sitting by the window in her convent, Sister Anne opened a letter from home and found a $10 bill inside from her family. As she read the letter, she caught sight of a shabbily dressed stranger leaning against a lamppost below. To put the money to good use quickly she wrote, "Don't despair, Sister Anne" on a piece of paper, wrapped the $10 in it, and dropped it out the window to help this poor soul.
The stranger picked it up and, with a puzzled expression and a tip of his hat, went off down the street.The next day Sister Anne was told that a man was at the door,insisting on seeing her.She went down and found the stranger waiting.Without a word,he handed her a roll of bills.
"What's this?" she asked.
"That's the 60 bucks you have coming, DON’T DESPAIR paid five to one." ![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-04-2003, 11:41 AM:
Rated G
Little Tommy was the quietest boy in school.He never answered any questions but his homework was always quite excellent.If any one said anything to him he would simply nod or shake his head.
The staff thought he was shy and decided to do something to give him confidence.
"Tommy," said his teacher."I've just bet Miss Smith $5 I can get you to say three words.You can have half."
Tommy looked at her pityingly and said,"You lose."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-11-2003, 09:40 AM:
Rated G
A man walks into a bar and notices a poker game at the far table.Upon taking a closer look he sees a dog sitting at the table.This peaks his curiosity and he walks closer and sees cards and chips in front of the dog.
Then the next hand is dealt and cards are dealt to the dog. Then the dog acts in turn with all the other players,calling,raising,
discarding,everything the other human players were doing.
However none of the other players seemed to pay any mind to the fact that they were playing with a dog,they just treated him like any other player.
Finally the man could not longer hold his tongue so between hands he quietly said to one of the players, "I can't believe that dog is playing poker,he must be the smartest dog in the world!" the player smiled and said, "He isn't that smart,every time he gets a good hand he wags his tail."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-11-2003, 11:36 AM:
Rated R Brian in Buffalo
Bill was feeling ill at work, and left after lunch to go home. He walked into the house and found his wife in the arms of another man. He started to yell at the interloper, "What right have you got to be making love to my wife?"
The man answered calmly, "You may as well know that I am in love with her and I would like to marry her. I understand you're a gambler. Why don't you be a good sport and sit down and play a game of gin rummy with me?
If I lose, I'll never see her again; if you lose, you must agree to divorce her.... Okay?"
"Okay," replied Bill, "but just to make it a little more interesting, why don't we play for a dollar a point as well?"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-26-2004, 12:30 PM:
Rated G Michele
Lucky is in the midst of a long dry spell in Las Vegas.
Eventually,he gambles away all his money and has to borrow a
quarter from another gambler just to use the men's room.He finds a stall that happens to be open and pockets the quarter.
Believing that his luck has finally changed,he puts the quarter
in a slot machine and hits the jackpot.He takes his winnings and goes to the blackjack table and turns his modest winnings into a million dollars.
Wealthy beyond his wildest dreams, Lucky goes on the lecture
circuit,where he tells his incredible story.He tells his
audiences that he will always be eternally grateful to his
benefactor,and if he ever finds the man he will share his fortune with him.
After months of speaking, a man in the audience jumps up and
says,"I'm that man.I was the one who gave you the quarter."
"Yes,I remember you well, but you aren't the one I'm looking for.I mean the guy who left the door open!"
Posted by System Notices (Member # 2357) on 08-17-2005, 09:06 AM:
It has been 568 days since the last post.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 08-17-2005, 09:06 AM:
Rated G
When the bookie asked the veteran horse player the secret of his consistent success, the gambler provided a simple explanation.
"I'm just lucky, I guess. I turn to the racing page, close my eyes and stick a pin in it," he said.
"Lucky!" the bookie exclaimed in disbelief. "But how did you pick this four-horse combination?"
"Well," the gambler admitted, "I didn't have a pin, so I used a fork."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 08-17-2005, 09:11 AM:
Rated G
At the Blackjack table
A blackjack dealer and a player with a thirteen count in his hand were arguing about whether or not it was appropriate to tip the dealer.
The player said, "When I get bad cards, it's not the dealer's fault. Accordingly, when I get good cards, the dealer obviously had nothing to do with it so, why should I tip him?"
The dealer said, "When you eat out do you tip the waiter?"
"Yes."
"Well then, he serves you food, I'm serving you cards so you should tip me."
"Okay, but, the waiter brings me whatever I order. So I'll take an eight."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 09-20-2005, 10:40 AM:
Rated G
Question:Why isn't gambling allowed in Africa?
Answer:Because of all the cheetahs.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-25-2006, 10:52 AM:
Rated G B.B.
A guy gets home from work one night and hears a voice. The voice says, "Quit your job, sell your house, take your money, go to Vegas." The man is disturbed at what he hears and ignores the voice.
The next day when he gets home from work, the same thing happens. The voice tells him, "Quit your job, sell your house, take your money, go to Vegas." Again the man ignores the voice, though he is very troubled by the event.
Every day, day after day, the man hears the same voice when he gets home from work, "Quit your job, sell your house, take your money, go to Vegas."
Each time the man hears the voice he becomes increasingly upset. Finally, after two weeks, he succumbs to the pressure. He does quit his job, sells his house, takes his money and heads to Vegas.
The moment the man gets off the plane in Vegas, the voice tells him, "Go to Bally's." So, he hops in a cab and rushes over to Bally's. As soon as he sets foot in the casino, the voice tells him, "Go to the roulette table."
The man does as he is told. When he gets to the roulette table, the voice tells him, "Put all your money on 17." Nervously, the man cashes in his money for chips and then puts them all on 17. The dealer wishes the man good luck and spins the roulette wheel.
The ball goes round and round. The man anxiously watches the ball as it slowly loses speed until finally it settles into number... 21. The voice says, "Oops!"