Yes
Santa
was very
cross. It was
Christmas Eve
and NOTHING was
going right AT ALL.
Mrs. Claus had burned
all OF the cookies. The
elves were complaining
about not getting paid for
the overtime they had whilE
making toys. The reindeers had
been drinking all afternoon and
were dead drunk. To make matters
worse, they had taken the sleigh out
for a spin earlier THAT day... CRASHING IT
RIGHT SMACK inTO a tree. Santa was furious.
"I can't believe it! I've got to deliver millions
of presents all over the world in just a few
hours; all of my reindeers are drunk; the elves
are on strike; and I don't even have a Christmas
tree! I sent that stupid little angel out HOURS ago
to find a tree; and he isn't even back yet! What am I
going to do?" Just then, the little angel opened the
front door, stepped in from the snowy night, dragging
a Christmas tree. He says, "Yo, fat man! Where do you want
me to stick the tree this year?" And, thus, the tradition of an
angel
ON top
OF the
Christmas trees came to pass.
 

Al Bundy's Christmas Eve

•'Twas the night
before Christmas,
And all through the house,
No food was a-stirrin',
Not even a mouse
•Stockings were hung round
Dad's nick like a tie,
Along with a note that said,
"Presents or die."
•Children were plotting
All night in their beds,
While the wife's constant whining
Was splitting his head.
•But daddy had money
This year in the bank,
Then they closed up early,
And now dad's in a tank.
•All of a sudden,
Santa appeared,
A sneer on his face,
Booze in his beard.
•"Santa," I said,
As he laughed merrily,
"You do so much for others,
Do something for me."
•"Bundy," he said,
"You only sell shoes,
Your son is a sneak thief,
Your daughter's a floose."
•"Ho ho," Santa said,
"Should I mention your wife?
Her hair's like an A-bomb,
Her nails like a knife."
•He climbs up the chimney,
That fat piece of dung,
He mooned me two times,
He stuck out his tongue.
•I heard him exclaim,
As he broke wind
with glee,
"You're married
with children,
You'll never
be free."
 

When I was a young spry turkey, new to the coop,
My big brother Mike took me out on the stoop,

Then he sat me down, and he spoke real slow,
And he told me there was something that I had to know;

His look and his tone I will always remember,
When he told me of the horrors of..... Black November;

"Come about August, now listen to me,
Each day you'll get six meals instead of just three,

"And soon you'll be thick, where once you were thin,
And you'll grow a big rubbery thing under your chin;

"And then one morning, when you're warm in your bed,
In'll burst the farmer's wife, and hack off your head;

"Then she'll pluck out all your feathers so you're bald 'n pink,
And scoop out all your insides and leave ya lyin' in the sink;

"And then comes the worst part" he said not bluffing,
"She'll spread your cheeks and pack your rear with stuffing".

Well, the rest of his words were too grim to repeat,
I sat on the stoop like a winged piece of meat,

And decided on the spot that to avoid being cooked,
I'd have to lay low and remain overlooked;

I began a new diet of nuts and granola,
High-roughage salads, juice and diet cola;

And as they ate pastries, chocolates and crepes,
I stayed in my room doing Jane Fonda tapes;

I maintained my weight of two pounds and a half,
And tried not to notice when the bigger birds laughed;

But 'twas I who was laughing, under my breath,
As they chomped and they chewed, ever closer to death;

And sure enough when Black November rolled around,
I was the last turkey left in the entire compound;

So now I'm a pet in the farmer's wife's lap;
I haven't a worry, so I eat and I nap;

She held me today, while sewing and humming,
And smiled at me and said "Christmas is coming ..."

 

Dave Barry on Halloween

I love Halloween. It reminds me of my happy childhood days as a student at Wampus Elementary School in Armonk, N.Y., when we youngsters used to
celebrate Halloween by making decorations out of construction paper and that white paste that you could eat. This is also how we celebrated Columbus Day, Washington's Birthday, Lincoln's Birthday, Thanksgiving, Christmas, Easter, New Year's, Valentine's Day, Mother's Day, Father's Day, Armistice Day, Flag Day, Arbor Day, Thursday, etc. We brought these decorations home to our parents, who by federal law were required to attach them to the refrigerator with magnets.

That was a wonderful, carefree time in which to be a youngster or construction-paper salesperson. But it all ended suddenly one day -- I'll never forget it -- when the Soviet Union launched the first satellite, called ``Sputnik'' (which is Russian for ``Little Sput''). Immediately allthe grown-ups in America became hysterical about losing the Space Race,which led to a paranoid insecurity about our educational system, expressedin anguished newspaper headlines asking, ``WHY AREN'T OUR KIDS LEARNING IN SCHOOL?'' I wanted to answer, ``BECAUSE ALL WE EVER DO IS MAKE DECORATIONS OUT OF CONSTRUCTION PAPER,'' but I couldn't, because my mouth was full of paste.

But getting back to Halloween: It's still one of the most fun holidays of the year, as well as one of the most traditional, tracing its origins back more than 2,000 years to the Druids, an ancient religious cult that constructed Stonehenge as well as most of the public toilets in England. The Druids believed that one night each year, at the end of October, the souls of the dead returned to the world of the living and roamed from
house to house costumed as Power Rangers.

And thus it is that to this day, youngsters come to our door on Halloween night shouting: ``Trick or treat!'' According to tradition, if we don'tgive the youngsters a ``treat,'' their parents will ``sue'' us. That's why most of us traditionally prepare for Halloween by going to the supermarket and purchasing approximately eight metric tons of miniature candy bars, which we dump into a big bowl by the door, ready to hand out to the hordes of trick-or-treaters.

The irony, of course, is that there ARE no hordes of trick-or-treaters, not any more. We in the news media make darned sure of that. Every year we publish dozens of helpful consumer-advice articles, cheerfully reminding parents of the dangers posed by traffic, perverts, poisoned candy, and many other Halloween hazards that parents would never think of if we didn't remind them (``Have fun, but remember that this year more than 17,000 Americans will die bobbing for apples'').

The result is that many children aren't allowed to go trick-or-treating, and the ones who ARE allowed out come to your house no later than 4:30 p.m., wearing reflective tape on their Power Rangers costumes and trailed at close range by their parents, who watch you suspiciously and regard whatever candy you hand out as though it were unsolicited mail from the Unabomber.

So for most of Halloween, your doorbell is quiet. This means that you pass the long night alone, hour after hour, just you and the miniature candy bars. After a while they start calling seductively to you from their bowl in their squeaky little voices.

``Hey, Big Boy!'' they call. ``We're going to waste over here!''

As the evening wears on they become increasingly brazen. Eventually they crawl across the floor, climb up your body, unwrap themselves and force themselves bodily into your mouth. There's no use hiding in the bathroom, because they'll just crawl under the door and tie you up with dental floss and threaten to squeeze toothpaste in your eye unless you eat them. At least that's what they do to me. By the end of the night my blood has the same sugar content as Yoo-Hoo.

But eating huge amounts of candy allegedly purchased for youngsters is only part of the Halloween tradition. The other part is buying a pumpkin and carving it to make a ``jack-o'-lantern,'' which sits on your front porch, a festive symbol of the age-old truth -- first discovered by the Druids -- that there is no practical use for pumpkins.

Here's how to make a traditional jack-o'-lantern:

1. Cut a lid on top of the pumpkin.

2. Pull off the lid and peer down into the slimy, festering pumpkin bowels.

3. Put the lid back on and secure it with 200 feet of duct tape.

(This is also the traditional procedure for stuffing a turkey.)

But however you celebrate Halloween, make sure you remember this important safety tip: (IMPORTANT SAFETY TIP GOES HERE). Otherwise, you will not survive the night. I'd give you more details, but right now I need to do something about these tiny Milky Ways crawling up my legs.
 

A woman goes into a tattoo parlor and tells the tattoo artistthat she wants a tattoo of a turkey on her right thigh just below her bikini line.

She also wants him to put the words "Happy Thanksgiving" under the turkey.

So the guy does it and it comes out looking real good.

The woman then instructs him to put a Santa Claus with "MerryChristmas" on her left thigh just below the bikini line.

So the guy does that one and it turns out pretty good as well.

As the woman is getting dressed to leave, the tattoo artist says, "If you don't mind, could you tell me why you had me put such unusual tattoos on your thighs?"

She replies, "I'm sick and tired of my husband complaining all the time that there is nothing good to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas!"
 

Dear Santa

If Santa answered his mail honestly...

----------
Dear Santa
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. Iv bena gud boy all
yeer.
Yer Frend,
BiLLy

Dear Billy,
Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawn care. How about I send you a fucking book so you can learn to read and write? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell!

Santa

----------
Dear Santa,

I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody!

Love,

Sarah

Dear Sarah,

You're parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?

Santa

----------
Dear Santa,
u can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do.

Love,

Teddy

Dear Teddy,

Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a hurricane. Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to your fat mom, who rides his ass constantly? It's time to give up that dream. Let me get you some nice Legos instead.

Santa

----------
Dear Santa,

I want a new bike, a Playstation, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba.

Love,

Francis

Dear Francis,

Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays? I bet you're gay.

Santa

----------
Dear Santa,

I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the back door.

Love,

Susan

Dear Susan,

Milk gives me the runs and carrots make the deer fart in my face when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Leave me a bottle of scotch.

Santa

----------

Dear Santa,

What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making toys?

Your friend,

Thomas

Dear Thomas,

All the toys are made in China. I have a condo in Vegas, where I spend most of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by drinking myself silly and squeezing the asses of cocktail waitresses while losing money at the craps table. Hey, you
wanted to know.

Santa

----------
Dear Santa,

Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake, like in the song?

Love,

Jessica

Dear Jessica,

Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do. I'm skipping your house.

Santa

----------
Dear Santa,

I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please PLEASE PLEASE could I have one?

Timmy

Timmy,

That whiney begging shit may work with your folks, but that crap doesn't work with me. You're getting a sweater again.

Santa

----------
Dearest Santa,

We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our home?

Love,

Marky

Mark,
First, stop calling yourself "Marky", that's why you're getting your ass whipped at school. Second, you don't live in a house, you live in a low-rent apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just like all the burglars do, through your bedroom
window.

Sweet Dreams,

Santa
 

December 14, 2000

My dearest darling John:

Who ever in the whole world would dream of getting a real Partridge in a Pear Tree? How can I ever express my pleasure. Thank you a hundred times for thinking of me this way.

My love always,

Agnes

========================================================
December 15, 2000

Dearest John:

Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine two turtle doves. I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just adorable.

All my love,

Agnes

=========================================================
December 16, 2000

Dear John:

Oh! Aren't you the extravagant one. Now I must protest. I don't deserve such generosity, three French hens. They are just darling but I must insist, you've been too kind.

All my love,

Agnes

=========================================================
December 17, 2000

Dear John:

Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really, they are beautiful, but don't you think enough is enough. You are being too romantic.

Affectionately,

Agnes

==========================================================
December 18, 2000

Dearest John:

What a surprise. Today the postman delivered five golden rings, one for every finger. You're just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, all those birds squawking were beginning to get on my nerves.

All my love,

Agnes

========================================================
December 19, 2000

Dear John:

When I opened the door today there were actually six geese laying on my front steps. So you're back to the birds again huh? These geese are huge. Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors are complaining and I can't sleep through the racket.

Please stop.

Cordially,

Agnes

========================================================
December 20, 2000

John:

What's with you and those freaking birds?? Seven swans a swimming. What kind of damn joke is this? There's bird poop all over the house and they never stop the racket. I can't sleep at night and I'm a nervous wreck. It's not funny. So stop those
freaking birds.

Sincerely,

Agnes

=========================================================
December 21, 2000

O.K. Buster:

I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with 8 maids a milking? It's not enough with all those birds and 8 maids a milking, but they had to bring their damn cows. There is manure all over the lawn and I can't move in my own house. Just lay off me, smartass.

Agnes

=========================================================
December 22, 2000

Hey Shithead:

What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now there's nine pipers playing. And Christ do they play. They've never stopped chasing those maids since they got here yesterday morning. The cows are getting upset and they're stepping all over those screeching
birds. What am I going to do? The neighbors have started a petition to evict me.

You'll get yours !

Agnes

==========================================================
December 23, 2000

You rotten prick:

Now there's ten ladies dancing. I don't know why I call those sluts ladies. They've been balling those pipers all night long.

Now the cows can't sleep and they've got diarrhea. My living room is a river of shit. The Commissioner of Buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why the building shouldn't be condemned.

I'm calling the police on you !

Agnes

=========================================================
December 24, 2000

Listen Fuckhead:

What's with those eleven lords a leaping on those maids and ladies? Some of those broads will never walk again. Those pipers ran through the maids and have been committing sodomy with the cows. All twenty-three of the birds are dead. They've been trampled to death in the orgy. I hope you're satisfied, you rotten vicious swine.

Your sworn enemy,

Agnes

=========================================================
December 25, 2000

Dear Sir:

This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve fiddlers fiddling which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McHolstein.

The destruction, of course, was total. All correspondence should come to our attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss McHolstein at Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have been instructed to shoot you on sight.

With this letter please find attached a warrant for your arrest.

Cordially,

Law Offices of Badger Bender & Chole

 

An Ebonics Christmas

'Twas da night befo' Christmas and all in the hood,
Not a homie was stirring cuz it was all good.
The tube socks was hung on the window sill
and we all had smiles up on our grill.

Mookie and BeBe was snug in the crib
in the back bedroom, cuz that's how we live.
And Moms in her do-rag and me with my nine,
had just gotten busy cuz girlfriend is fine.

All of a sudden a lowrider rolled by,
Bumpin' phat beats cuz the system's fly.
I bounced to the window at a quarter pas'
'Bout ready to pop a cap in somebody's ass

well anyway....
I yelled to my lady, Yo peep this!
She said, Stop frontin' & just mind yo' bidness.
I said, for real doe, come check dis out.

We weren't even buggin', no worries, no doubt.
Cuz bumpin' an thumpin' from around da way
Was Santa, 8 reindeer and a sleigh.

Da beats was kickin', da ride was phat
I said, "Yo red Dawg, you all that!"
He threw up a sign and yelled to his boyz,
"Ay yo, give it up, let's make some noise!"

To the top of the projects & across the strip mall,
We gots ta go, I got a booty call!"
He pulled up his ride on the top a da roof,
and sippin' on a 40, he busted a move.

I yelled up to Santa, "Yo ain't got no stack!"
he said, "Damn homie, deese projects is wack!
But don't worry black, cuz I gots da skillz
I learnt back when I hadda pay da billz."

Out from his bag he pulled 3 small tings
a credit card, a knife, and a bobby pin.
He slid down the fire exscape smoove as a cat,
and busted the window wit' a b-ball bat.

I said, "Whassup, Santa? Whydya bust my place?"
he said,"You best get on up out my face!"
His threads was all leatha, his chains was all gold,
His sneaks was Puma and they was 5 years old.

He dropped down the duffle, Clippers logo on the side.
Santa broke out da loot and my mouf popped open wide.
A wink of his eye and a shine off his gold toof,
He cabbage patched his way back onto the roof

He jumped in his hooptie wit' rims made of chrome,
To tap that booty waitin' at home.
And all I heard as he cruised outta sight,
was a loud and hearty....."WEEESST SIIIIDE!!!!!!!"
 

Winter Holiday's Q&A

Q: Why doesn't Santa have any children?

A: Because he only comes once a year, and when he does, it's down the
chimney.

Q: Why are women's breasts like a train set a kid gets at Christmas time?

A: Because they were originally made for children but it's the fathers who want to play with them.

Q: Why is Christmas just like a day at the office?

A: You do all the work, and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.

Q: How are a Christmas tree and a priest alike?

A: They both have ornamental balls.

Q: How come you never hear anything about the 10th reindeer "Olive?" Olive?

A: Yeah, you know, "Olive the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names..."

Q: What do the female reindeer do when Santa takes the male reindeer out on Christmas Eve?

A: They go into town, and blow a few bucks.

Q: What's the difference between snowmen and snow ladies?

A: Snowballs.
 

Santa's Pick Up Lines

* I know when you've been bad or good, so let's skip the small talk, sister!

* Hey Babe, when was the last time you did it in a sleigh?

* Ever make it with a fat guy with a whip?

* Some of my best toys run on batteries...

* I see you when you're sleeping - and you don't wear any underwear, do you?

* Screw the "nice" list -- I've got you on my "nice AND naughty" list!

* Wanna join the "Mile High" club?

* That's not a candy cane in my pocket, honey. I'm just glad to see you
 

Redneck Christmas

'Twas the Night before Christmas, and all through the shack
Not a creature was stirrin', cept the lice on muh back.
The skoal cans wuz nailed to the screen door with care,
With hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there.

The children were sleepin', all snug in their beds,
While visions of tractor pulls danced in their heads.
And Ma in her nightgown all stained with pound cake.
Had just settled down to watch Ricki Lake.

When out in the driveway, a loud noise I heard,
I opened the winder to check muh T-bird.
I ran to the door, like I's on a mission,
But I tripped on some parts from muh granny's transmission.

The moon shone outside, the hound dog wuz barkin'.
Muh daughter weren't home yet, she wuz still out parkin'.

When what to muh whiskey blind eyes should I see
But a Chevy S-10, pulled by eight flyin' sheep.
With a fat nasty driver, so disgustin' and sick
I said "Shoot Fire!" That must be St. Nick!

More rapid than X-lax his wooly sheep came
And he belched and he hollered, and he called 'em by name.

Now CLIFFORD! Now VERNON! Now LESTER and ENUS!
On FESTUS! On ELMER! On ROSCOE and CLETUS!

From the top of the shack to them there garbage bins
Now Dash Away! Dash Away! Dash Away youins!

I heard a loud sound on the roof of muh shack.
Pud down muh beer and went fer muh gun rack.
He fell through the roof, plum killed my dog,
I swear that ole' Santa looked just like Boss Hog.

He wore a T-shirt, rebel flag on the front,
And his jeans were all bloody from that morning's hunt.
A big nekkid lady tattooed on his arm,
And he wore black boots that he'd picked up in 'Nam.

His eyes, how they glazed from too much Wild Turkey.
From the side of his mouth hung a stick of beef jerky.
A scar on his cheek from a fight with the cops.
The veins on his face looked ready to pop.

The butt of a Marlboro clung to his lip
He wore a hip pack full of B-B-Q chips.
He had a fat face and a hairy beer belly.
I ain't seen one that big since muh ex-wife Shelly.

He was gap-toothed and dumb with an I.Q. of three
And I laughed cause that redneck was smarter than me.
A wink of his eye, a fierce shake of his head,
From his hair came a rat that ran under the bed.

He reached in his sack, sipped his gin and tonic,
Then filled the kid's stockings with Hooked on Phonics.
His toys came from Big Lots and they weren't very nice
But he had lots of them and yuh can't beat the price.

He gave us a tape of them hound dogs that sing Jingle Bells.
Some Crisco, some Spam, some Oatmeal Cream pies,
And a Nascar T-shirt in Double X size.

When the presents were gone and he had no more,
He staggered and stumbled right through muh screen door.

He hopped in his truck, to his sheep gave an order
"Hurry up youins! To the Tennessee border!"
And I heard him cry out, with a strong southern drawl,
"MERRY CHRISTMAS YOU REDNECKS! MERRY CHRISTMAS
Y'ALL!"

YEE HAWWWW!
 

Is there a Santa Claus?

As a result of an overwhelming lack of requests, and with research help from that renown scientific journal SPY magazine (January, 1990) -
I am pleased to present the annual scientific inquiry into Santa Claus.

1) No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer which only Santa has ever seen.

2) There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. BUT since Santa doesn't (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total - 378 million according to Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8 million homes. One presumes there's at least one good child in each.

3) Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house. Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth which, of course, we know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will accept), we are now talking about .78 miles per household, a total trip of 75-1/2 million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us must do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding and etc.

This means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second - a conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour.

4) The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized lego set (2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that "flying reindeer" (see point #1) could pull TEN TIMES the normal amount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine. We need 214,200 reindeer. This increases
the payload - not even counting the weight of the sleigh - to 353,430 tons. Again, for comparison--this is four times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth.

5) 353,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance - this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as spacecraft re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy. Per second. Each. In short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, and create deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second. Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces
17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250-pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force.

In conclusion - If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he's dead now

 

Rain or Snow?

A Russian couple were walking down the street in Moscow one night, when the man felt a drop hit his nose. "I think it's raining," he said to his wife. "No, that felt more like snow to me," she replied. "No, I'm sure it was just rain," he said. Well, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument about whether it was raining or snowing when they saw a communist party official walking toward them.

"Let's not argue about it," the man said, "Let's ask Comrade Rudolph whether it's officially raining or snowing." As the official approached, the man said, "Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is it officially raining or snowing?"

"It's raining, of course," he replied, and walked on. But the woman insisted: "I know that felt like snow!" To which the man quietly replied: "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."
 

Fruitcake Recipe

If you find yourself stressed about all of the Thanksgiving cooking and company, try this sure-fire recipe. I've never liked fruitcake, but this recipe has made me change my mind. I discovered after trying this recipe that there isn't anything better on Friday nights after work than a HUGE slice of this great recipe:

First, you'll need the following: a cup of water, a cup of sugar, four large brown eggs, two cups of dried fruit, a teaspoon of salt, a cup of brown sugar, lemon juice, nuts, and a bottle of whiskey.

Sample the whiskey to check for quality. Take a large bowl. Check the whiskey again. To be sure it's the highest quality, our one level cup and drink. Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer, beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar and beat again. Make sure the whiskey is still okay. Cry another tup. Turn off the mixer. Beat two eggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Mix on the tuner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it loose with a drewscriver. Sample the whiskey to check for tonsisticity. Now sift
lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Spoon. Of sugar or something. Whatever you can find. Now, grease the oven. Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees. Don't forget to beat off the tuner. Throw the bowl out the window. Check the whiskey again and go to bed.
 

How to Cook a Turkey

Step 1: Go buy a turkey

Step 2: Take a drink of whiskey (scotch) OR JD or Gin

Step 3: Put turkey in the oven

Step 4: Take another 2 drinks of whiskey

Step 5: Set the degree at 375 ovens

Step 6: Take 3 more whiskeys of drink

Step 7: Turn oven the on

Step 8: Take 4 whisks of drinky

Step 9: Turk the bastey

Step 10: Whiskey another bottle of get

Step 11: Stick a turkey in the thermometer

Step 12: Glass yourself a pour of whiskey

Step 13: Bake the whiskey for 4 hours

Step 14: Take the oven out of the turkey

Step 15: Take the oven out of the turkey

Step 16: Floor the turkey up off of the pick

Step 17: Turk the carvey

Step 18: Get yourself another scottle of botch

Step 19: Tet the sable and pour yourself a glass of turkey

Hope you'all have a Tappy Thansgibing
 

Christmas Carols for the Dysfunctional

SCHIZOPHRENIA:
Do you Hear What I Hear?

MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER:
We Three Queens Disoriented Are

DEMENTIA:
I Think I'll Be Home for Christmas

NARCISSISTIC:
Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me

MANIC:
Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and
Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and
Trees and Fire Hydrants and...

PARANOID:
Santa Claus is Coming to Get Me.

PERSONALITY DISORDER:
You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll tell you Why.

OBSESSIVE-COMPULSIVE DISORDER:
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock.... (better start
again)

PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE PERSONALITY:
On the First Day of Christmas My True Love Gave to Me (and then took it all away).

BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER:
Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire.
 

It's Christmas Eve, and Santa arrives in the ghetto.He jumps down
the chimney and is met by a small child who is caught by surprise.

Santa bellows out a hearty "Ho, Ho, Ho!" before opening his pack.

Hearing Santa's words, the little boy runs through the living room
and hollers,"Mom, it's for you!".

Christmas Party

How To Tell If You're Throwing A Successful Christmas Party

- Festivity Level One -

Your guests are sitting around chatting, nibbling the party food, sipping their drinks. They are admiring your Christmas tree ornaments and stand around the piano singing carols.

- Festivity Level Two -

Your guests are talking loudly, occasionally to one another. They are wolfing down the food, gulping their drinks, rearranging your Christmas ornaments and sitting on the piano singing "I Gotta Be Me."

- Festivity Level Three -

Your guests are holding conversations with inanimate objects, gulping other peoples' drinks, wolfing down Christmas ornaments and dancing around the piano shouting the words to "I Can't Get No Satisfaction."

- Festivity Level Four -

Your guests, food smeared across their naked bodies, are capering around the burning Christmas tree in some unholy ritual. The piano is missing.

Unless you rent your home, or own heavy firearms, you generally don't want your parties operating above Level Three. The true test of party success, however, is whether or not the police arrive. If they do arrive, your job as host is to see that they don't arrest anyone. If they are intent on arresting someone, your job is to see that it isn't you. Following is an example of how to successfully handle this situation:

Police: "We've come in response to the complaints."

You: "Complaints? It isn't about the drugs, is it?"

Police: "No, sir, not drugs."

You: "The guns, then? They're complaining about the guns?"

Police: "No, sir. It's about the noise."

You: "Oh that's all right then. 'Cause there sure aren't any guns or drugs here, heh heh."

[An explosion sounds somewhere behind you]

You: "Or fireworks either! The neighbors complained, did they?"

Police: "No, sir. The neighbors all fled inland hours ago. The recent complaints have come from Iowa."

[At this point a Volkswagen Bug, painted in various arcane symbols, roars out of the living room, down the hall past you and the policemen, out into the front yard and into the nearest tree. Eight naked bodies tumble out, moaning.]

You: "There, you see? It's winding down already."
 

THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY AT THANKSGIVING, BUT AREN'T...

"Whew, that's one terrific spread!"

"I'm in the mood for a little dark meat."

"Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist."

"Talk about a huge breast!"

"It's Cool Whip time!"

"If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst!"

"Are you ready for seconds yet?"

"Are you going to come again next time?"

"It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?"

"Just wait your turn, you'll get some!"

"Don't play with your meat."

"Just spread the legs open & stuff it in."

"I didn't expect everyone to come at once!"

"You still have a little bit on your chin."

"How long will it take after you stick it in?"

"You'll know it's ready when it pops up."

"How many are coming?"

"That's the biggest one I've ever seen!"

"How long do I beat it before it's ready?"

"It must be broken 'cause when I push on the tip, nothing squirts out
 

Fester the Gangreen Reindeer

You know Dasher and Dancer and Prancer and Vixen,
Comet and Cupid and Donner and Blitzen,
But do you remember him,
The only reindeer missing a limb.

Fester the Gangreen Reindeer had a bad infected leg,
So they amputated it, and replaced it with a peg,
All of the other reindeer used to laugh in Fester's face,
They wouldn't let poor Fester park in a good wheelchair space.

Then one foggy Christmas Eve, Santa came to say,
Fester with your leg that's fake,
What good kindling wood you'd make.
Then how the reindeer loved him, as they shouted out with glee,
Fester the Gangreen Reindeer, you're our favorite amputee.
 

The Night Before Impeachment

Twas The Night Before Impeachment, when all through the House,
All the Congress was stirring, even Conyers, the louse.
The Articles were hung by the Capitol with care,
In hopes that Saint Bubba would be trapped in the lair.

The Republicans were nestled, all smug with The Feds,
While visions of perjury danced in their heads.
And Barr with his rhetoric and Hyde with his trap,
Had just settled in for a long evening's nap.
When out in The Gulf, there arose such a clatter
They clicked on CNN to see what was the matter.
When what to their wondering eyes should appear
But Tomahawk cruise missiles flying like reindeer.

With a Presidential address, so lively and quick,
They knew in a moment, it must be Saint Slick!
More rapid than eagles, his supporters they came,
And he whistled and shouted and called them by name:
"Now Conyers, now Gephardt, let's forget about The Vixen!
On Barney! On Maxine! I'm no Richard Nixon!!!"
"From Capitol Hill to the Washington Mall,
Now dash away, dash away, dash away all !!!"

And then the Republicans heard on the roof
The prancing and pawing of each little hoof.
As they scratched their heads and were turning around
The resilient Saint Willie scored another rebound.
No longer was he eating from his humble pie,
While assaulting Saddam with his bombs from the sky.
A bundle of weapons he had flung at Iraq,
It looked once again like Slick Willie was back.

His eyes, how they twinkled! His dimples, how merry!
His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry.
His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,
And the hair on his head was as white as the snow.
The stump of a stogie, he held tight in his teeth,
And the smoke, it encircled his head like a wreath.
He had a broad face and a little round belly
That shook when he laughed like a bowl f cull of jelly.
He was chubby and plump - a right jolly old elf,
And the Republicans wept, in spite of themselves.
And a wink of his eye and a twist of his head
Soon gave them to know they had something to dread.
He spoke the right words and went straight to his work
Hard to believe that an Intern once called him "The Jerk."
And shaking his finger and thumbing his nose,
By "Wagging The Dog," up the polls he rose.
He turned to his spinmeisters and gave them a whistle,
Then they cheered-on Slick Willie as he launched another missile.
They all heard him exclaim, with Impeachment out of sight,
"Happy Ramadan to all, and to all a good night."
 

On the twelveth day of AOL those Bozos gave to me:

12 reasons to cancel,

11 channels not working,

10 hours without mail

9 frozen chat rooms,

8 hours of busy signals,

7 frozen IMs,

6 disconnections,

5 web crashes,

4 idiots at tech

3 error messages

2 pieces of junk mail (just 2?)

and a jerk cursing in a chat room!
 

Christmas phrase that sounds dirty but are not:

10. Did you get any under the tree?

9. I think your balls are hanging too low.

8. Check out Rudolph's honker!

7. Santa's sack is really bulging.

6. Lift up your skirt so I can get a clean breath.

5. Did you get a piece of fruitcake?

4. I love licking the end till it's really sharp and pointy.

3. From here you can't tell if they're artificial or real.

2. Can I interest you in some dark meat?

And the No. 1 Christmas phrase that sounds dirty but isn't:

1. To get it to stand up straight, try propping it against the wall
 

Twas the night before Christmas
And all through the house
Everyone felt shitty
Even the mouse

With mom at the whore house
And dad smoking grass
I had just settled down
For a nice piece of ass

When out on the lawn
there arose such a clatter
I sprang from my piece
to see what was the matter

Then up in the air
I saw a big dick
I knew in a flash
it must be St. Nickl

He came down the chimney
like a bat out of hell
I knew right away
that the fat fucker fell

He filled the stockings
with doobies and beerA
nd a big rubber dick
for my brother the queer

He went up the chimney
and blew a big fart
The son of a bitch
blew the chimney apart

He swore and he cursed
as he rode out of sight
"Piss on you all
and have a hell of a night!"
 

10. Put a 20 dollar bill in your letter.

9. Put axle grease on the roof and watch them reindeer and Santa fall.

8. Add some laxitives to the cookie batter and santa will hope his magic can get him to the bathroom fast.

7. Get a set of wild dogs and don't feed them and on Christmas Eve set them under the chimney of course they wont eat but that'll sure send his fat butt back up it.

6. Make a tape of you and your friends singing christmas carols as loud as you can and leave it playing. You probably think he loves them but he hears them all the time so it probably gets annoying.

5. Set his reindeer free.

4. Switch the lists so that the nice kids get the crap and the naughty ones get the good stuff.

3. Put a mix of mayo and peanut butter in the stockings and when he pulls his hand out it will be all nasty.

2. Catch his sleigh on fire.

1. Before you go to the mall to sit on Santa's lap eat a lot of beans and when standing in line get up a good batch and when you sit on his lap let her rip.
 

The Night Before Christmas

'Twas the night before Christmas, and God it was neat.

The kids were both gone, and my wife was in heat.

The doors were all bolted, and the phone off the hook,

It was time for some for some pussy, fuck reading that book.

Momma in her teddy, and I in the nude,

Had just hit the bedroom and reached for the lube.

When out on the lawn there arose such a cry,

That I lost my boner and momma went dry.

Up to the window I sprang like an elf,

Tore back the shade while she played with herself.

The moon on the crest of the snowman we'd built,

Showed a broom up his ass, clean up to the hilt.

When what to my wondering eyes should appear,

But a rusty old sleigh and eight mangy reindeer.

With a fat little driver, half out of his sled,

A sock in his ear, and a bra on his head.

Sure as I'm speaking, he was as high as a kite

And he yelled to his team, but it didn't sound right.

"Whoa Shithead, whoa Asshole, hey Dickfore, whoa Putz,

Either slow down this rig or I'll cut off your nuts."

"Look out for the lamp post, and don't hit the tree,

Quit shaking the sleigh, 'cause I gotta go pee.

They cleared the old lamp post, the tree got a rub,

Just as Santa leaned out and puked on my shrub.

And then from the roof we heard something splatter,

As each little reindeer now emptied his bladder.

I put on my jacket to cover my ass,

When down the chimney Santa came with a crash.

His suit was all covered with dip spit galore,

He looked like a bum and smelled like a whore.

"I'm all fuckin' shit-canned ," he said with a smile,

"And Rudolf was farting the last half-a mile."

He walked to the kitchen, for himself poured a drink,

Then whipped out his pecker and pissed in the sink.

I started to laugh, as my wife turned around

Santa was hung half way to the ground.

Back in the den, Santa reached in his sack,

But his toys were all gone, and some new things were packed.

The first thing he found was a pair of false tits,

The next was a manual on how to pop zits.

A dime bag of reefer was Santa's next find,

And a six pair of panties, the edible kind.

A boarding school pisser, a penis extension,

And several other things that I can't even mention.

A cock ring, a G-string, and all types of oil,

And a bong that was wrapped with aluminium foil.

"This stuff's not for kids, Mrs. Santa will shit,

So I'll leave it all here, and then I'll just split."

He filled both our stockings, looked at my wife's cleave.

And tucked my son's crack pipe up under his sleeve.

He sprang to his sleigh, but his feet were like lead,

Made it out of the chimney, on my roof smacked his head.

In time he was seated, took the reigns of his hitch,

Saying, "Take me home, Rudolph, the night's been a bitch!"

The sleigh was near gone when we heard Santa shout,

"The best thing about college, is that the beer won't run out.
 

Angels atop the christmas tree tradition

It was a starry night and the snowflakes drifted down gently. The snowcrust sparkled in the lamplight at the North Pole. Sleigh bells jingled in the distance. It was supposed to be a happy time, but it wasn't.

Santa was really pissed off. It was Christmas Eve and NOTHING was going right. Mrs. Claus had burned all the Christmas cookies. The elves were bitching about not getting paid for the overtime they had put in while making toys. And to top it all off, the reindeer had been drinking all afternoon and were completely useless. They had taken the sleigh out for a spin earlier in the day and crashed it into a tree, breaking off one of the runners. They were still stumbling around outside, giggling and shaking their sleigh bells. Santa was redder than usual with anger. He drank another slug of scotch, and then bellowed, "I CAN'T believe it! I've got to deliver millions of presents all over the world in just a few hours from now and all my reindeer are drunk, my elves are on strike and I don't even have a Christmas tree! AND I sent that stupid little angel out HOURS ago to find a tree and he isn't even back yet! What the HELL am I going to do?"

Just at that moment, the little angel opened the front door and stepped in from the snowy night, dragging a Christmas tree behind him. He said, "Yo, Santa, where do you want me to stick the Christmas Tree this year?" And thus the tradition of angels
perched atop the Christmas trees came to pass.
 

Santa Must Be a She

I think Santa Claus is a woman....

I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he is a she. Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull it all off!

For starters, the vast majority of men don't even think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. It's as if they are all frozen in some kind of Ebenezerian Time Warp until 3 p.m. on Dec. 24th, when they - with amazing calm - call other errant men
and plan for a last-minute shopping spree. Once at the store, they always seem surprised to find only extra-small sweaters, Ronco products, socket wrench sets, and mood rings left on the shelves. (You might think this would send them into a fit of panic and guilt, but my something tells me it's an enormous relief because it lessens the 11th hour decision-making burden.) On this count alone, I'm convinced Santa is a woman.

Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe would wake up Christmas morning to find a rotating musical Chia Pet under the tree, still in the bag.

Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there. First of all, there would be no reindeer because they would all be dead, gutted and strapped on to the rear bumper of the sleigh. Blitzen's rack would already be on the way to the taxidermist. Even if the male Santa DID have reindeer, he'd still have transportation problems because he would inevitably get lost up there in the snow and clouds and then refuse to stop and ask for directions.

Add to this the fact that there would be unavoidable delays in the chimney, where the Bob Vila-like Santa would stop to inspect and repaint bricks in the flue. He would also need to check for carbon monoxide fumes in every gas fireplace, and get under
every Christmas tree that is crooked to straighten it to a perfectly upright 90-degree angle.

Other reasons why Santa can t possibly be a man:

* Men can't pack a bag.

* Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet.

* Men would feel their masculinity is threatened...having to be seen with all those elves.

* Men don't answer their mail.

* Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described even in jest as anything remotely resembling a bowl full of jelly.

* Men aren't interested in stockings unless somebody's wearing them.

* Having to do the Ho Ho Ho thing would seriously inhibit their ability to pick up women.

* Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment.

I can buy the fact that other mythical holiday characters are men.......

Father Time shows up once a year unshaven and looking ominous. Definite guy.

Cupid flies around carrying weapons.

Uncle Sam is a politician who likes to point fingers.

Any one of these individuals could pass the testosterone screening test.

But not St. Nick. Not a chance.

But as long as we have each other, good will, peace on earth, faith and Nat King Cole's version of The Christmas Song, it probably makes little difference what gender Santa is.

Merry Christmas to all
 

Q: What do rednecks do on Halloween?

A: Pump kin.

Geriatric Halloween

There was an old couple who hadn't celebrated Halloween in a long time, so they decided to dress up and go out.

The old woman went in her bedroom, stripped naked, and tied a string between her legs with a lemon at the end of the string.

When she walked out of the room her husband yelled, "You can't go out like that!"

"I can go out as whatever I want and so can you!" T

he man agreed and went into his room. Soon he came out naked with a string tied to his penis and a potato at the end of the string.

The woman said, "You're going out as that?" ''Yes,'' said the old man. ''If you can go out as a sourpuss, I can go out as a dicktator."
 

Of course, movie projectionist's of all people should know these,
but just in case........

With Halloween upon us, it is worthwhile to remember a few simple rules to
help keep this season healthy, happy and SAFE!! Please use these helpful
hints this and every year.

1. When it appears that you have killed the monster, NEVER check to see if
it's really dead.

2. Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.

3. Do not search the basement, especially if the power has gone out.

4. If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which they
should not know, shoot them immediately. It will save you a lot of grief in
the long run. However, it will probably take several rounds to kill them,
so
be prepared. This also applies to kids who speak with somebody else's
voice.

5. When you have the benefit of numbers, NEVER pair off and go alone.

6. As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.

7. Never stand in, on, or above a grave, tomb, or crypt. This would apply
to
any other house of the dead as well.

8. If you're searching for something which caused a loud noise and find out
that it's just the cat, GET THE HELL OUT!

9. If appliances start operating by themselves, do not check for short
circuits; just get out.

10. Do not take ANYTHING from the dead.

11. If you find a town which looks deserted, there's probably a good reason
for it. Don't stop and look around.

12. Don't fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you're sure you know
what you're doing.

13. If you're running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down at
least
twice, more if you are female. Also note that, despite the
fact that you are running and the monster is merely shambling along, it
will
still be moving fast enough to catch up with you.

14. If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic behaviour
such as hissing, fascination for blood, glowing eyes,
increasing hairiness, and so on, kill them immediately.

15. Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed
here: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, Nilbog (you're in
trouble if you recognize this one), anywhere in Texas where chainsaws are
sold, the Bermuda Triangle, or any small town in Maine.

16. If your car runs out of gas at night on a lonely road, do not go to the
nearby deserted-looking house to phone for help. If you think
that it is strange you ran out of gas because you thought you had most of a
tank, shoot yourself instead. You are going to die anyway,
and most likely be eaten.

17. Beware of strangers bearing tools. For example: chainsaws, staple guns,
hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, combines, lawnmowers, butane
torches, soldering irons, band saws, or any devices made from deceased
companions.

18. If you find that your house is built upon a cemetery, now is the time
to
move in with the in-laws. This also applies to houses that
had previous inhabitants who went mad or committed suicide or died in some
horrible fashion, or had inhabitants who performed satanic practices.

19. Dress appropriately. When investigating a noise downstairs in an old
house, women should not wear a flimsy negligee. And carry a
flashlight, not a candle.

20. Do not mention the names of demons around open flames, as these can
flare suddenly. Be especially careful of fireplaces in this regard.

21. Do not go looking for witches in the Maryland countryside.

HAVE A SAFE AND HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!

Why Halloween Is Better Than Sex

10. You're guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.

9. If you get tired, wait 10 minutes and go at it again.

8. The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.

7. You don't have to compliment the person who gave you candy.

6. The person you're with doesn't fantasize you're someone else.

5. If you get a stomachache, it won't last 9 months.

4. If you wear your Batman mask, no one thinks you're kinky.

3. It doesn't matter if kids hear you moaning and groaning.

2. You have less guilt the next morning.

1. IF YOU DON'T GET WHAT YOU WANT, YOU CAN ALWAYS GO NEXT DOOR!
 

Did you ever wonder if the Pilgrims would have killed bobcats instead ofturkeys?

And if so on Thanksgiving we'd be eating pussy!

Christmas Bonus

Boss: Who said that just because I tried to kiss you at last month's Christmas party, you could neglect to do your work around here?

Secretary: My lawyer.
 

TO ALL MEMBERS AND LURKERS OF - FILM-TECH.COM

May this Thanksgiving be special. May it bring us closer to family, loved ones and friends. May we appreciate more the things that we have and want less for the
things that we really don't need.

May we each put aside a few extra moments to prayer for the sick, the lonely, and the less fortunate.

May we cherish our families and hold dear in our hearts those who have gone before us.

May we, each and everyone of us, take a moment to prayer for our soldiers, our Armed Forces, and our President.

May we remember those who perished on September 11 and prayer for the familes and loved ones of those left behind.

May we remember that through unity, understanding and tolerance there is strength. As we sit down to our Thanksgiving meal, may we be thankful, in prayer, for the blessings we share and the freedoms we enjoy.

May we carry this feeling through the holiday season and on into the New Year!

HAPPY THANKSGIVING TO ALL FROM THE MAAR'S OF NEW YORK, NEW YORK

 

It was Christmas Eve, and a lady hadn't had sex in a long time, so she decided to wait for Santa. When he came down the chimney, she took off her shirt and said, "Ooh Santa, please stay."

And he said, "Ho ho ho, guess I better go, gotta get toys to children, ya know."

So she took off her pants and said, "No no - please stay."

And he replied, "Ho ho ho, guess I better go, gotta get toys to children, ya know."

So she took off everything else, and said, "Ooh, please stay."

And he said, "Hey hey hey, guess I better stay, can't get up the chimney with my dick this way!"
 

A Jewish guy's mother gave him two sweaters for Hanukkah.

The next time he visited her, he made sure to wear one.

As he walked into the house, his mother frowned and said, "What's the matter? You didn't like the other one?"

 

A Cousin of mine sent me this interesting piece of history. He is a Bishop in the Anglican Church in Ontario, Canada

BobM

The one Christmas Carol that has always baffled me. What in the world do leaping lords, French hens, swimming swans, and especially the partridge who won't come out of the pear tree have to do with Christmas?

Today, I found out from another internet contact. From 1558 until 1829, Roman Catholics in England were not permitted to practice their faith openly. Someone during that era wrote this carol as a catechism song for young Catholics. It has two levels of meaning: the surface meaning plus a hidden meaning known only to members of their church. Each element in the carol has a code word for a religious reality which the children could remember.

The partridge in a pear tree was Jesus Christ.

Two turtledoves were the Old and New Testaments.

Three French hens stood for faith, hope and love.

The four calling birds were the four gospels of Matthew, Mark, Luke & John.

The five golden rings recalled the Torah or Law, the first five books of the Old Testament.

The six geese a-laying stood for the six days of creation.

Seven swans a-swimming represented the sevenfold gifts of the Holy Spirit-Prophesy, Serving, Teaching, Exhortation, Contribution, Leadership, and Mercy.

The eight maids a-milking were the eight beatitudes.

Nine ladies dancing were the nine fruits of the Holy Spirit-Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Goodness, Faithfulness, Gentleness, and Self Control.

The ten lords a-leaping were the Ten Commandments.

The eleven pipers piping stood for the eleven faithful disciples.

The twelve drummers drumming symbolized the twelve points of belief in the Apostles' Creed.

So there is your history for today. Now you know how that strange song became a Christmas Carol...so pass it on if you wish."

 

Psychotic Christmas Carols (tra-la-la-la-la...)

SCHIZOPHRENIA -
Do You Hear What I Hear?

MULTIPLE PERSONALITY -
We Three Queens Disoriented Are.

DEMENTIA -
I Think I'll Be Home For Christmas.

NARCISSISTIC -
Hark The Herald Angels Sing (About Me)

MANIA -
Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town ...or Deck the Halls and Spare No Expense!

PARANOIA -
Santa Claus is Coming To Get Me.

PERSONALITY DISORDER -
You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, then MAYBE I'll tell you why.

DEPRESSION -
Silent anhedonia, Holy anhedonia.
All is calm, All is pretty lonely.

OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE -
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell,
Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell,Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell...

BORDERLINE PERSONALITY -
Thoughts of Roasting in an Open Fire.

PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE -
On the First Day of Christmas My True Love Gave to Me
(and then took it all away).
 

TWAS THE DAZE BEFORE CHRISTMAS

'Twas the days before Christmas,
And all through the school,
The teachers were trying
To just keep their cool.

The hallways were hung
With Christmas art
(Some made in November
to get a head start!)

The children were bouncing
Off ceilings and walls,
And seemed to forget
How to walk in the halls.

When out of the teacher's lounge
With "holiday shirts"
And "jingle bell jewels,"
The teachers looked festive
Enforcing the rules.

Suddenly, from down the hallway
There came such a chatter,
The principal went in
To see what was the matter.

The teachers were hiding
And trying to refuel,
On coffee and cookies
And treats from the Yule.

When what to their wondering
Ears do they hear,
But the ringing of school bells
- It's the children they fear!

More rapid than reindeer
The little ones came,
And the teachers all shouted
And called them by name;

Walk, Vincent! Walk, Tanner!
Walk, Tyler and Sammy!
Sit, Jamie! Sit, Laura!
Sit, Tara and Tammy!

To your desks in the room!
To your spots in the line!
Now walk to them! Walk to them!
No running this time!

So straight to their places
The children all went.
With fear of detention
Where they could be sent.

With manuals of lessons
Cradled in arms,
The teachers began
To use all their charms.

But the lessons presented
All fell on deaf ears.
The children were thinking
Of Santa's reindeer!

With a toss of their hands
They put manuals aside,
Went straight to the cupboards
Where videos hide.

And laying their finger
On the TV remote
They sat back to write
Their last Christmas note.

But you could hear them exclaim
At the end of the day -
Have a wonderful, happy and
L-O-O-O-O-O-NG HOLIDAY
 

Once, Santa Clause, The Tooth Fairy, The Easter Bunny, and a smart blonde were sitting around at dinner. There was a 100 dollar bill on the table. Guess who grabbed it first. (The Answer is at the bottom.)
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Did you guess? Well, it was none of them. Know why?

None of them exist!!
 

Why did the snowman drop his pants?

He saw the snowblower coming.
 

Why does Santa Claus have such a big sack?

Because he only comes once a year!
 

You might be a redneck if you give Santa three pickled eggs and a cold one instead of cookies and milk.
 

A Russian couple were walking down a street in Moscow one night when the man felt a drop hit his nose.

"I think it's raining," he said to his wife.

"No that felt like snow to me, dear," she replied.

"No I'm sure it was just rain," he said.

They were about to have a major argument about whether it was raining or snowing. Just then, they saw a minor communist party official walking towards them.

"Let's not fight about it," the man said. "Let's ask Comrade Rudolph whether its officially raining or snowing."

As the man approached the husband said: "Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is it raining or snowing?"

"It's raining, of course" he replied and walked on.

But the woman insisted. "I know that felt like snow!"

To which the man quietly said, "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear." 
 

Reasons Santa Can't Be a Man

Men can't pack a bag.

Men wouldn't be caught dead wearing red velvet.

Men would feel their masculinity is threatened... having to be seen with all those elves.

Men don't answer their mail.

Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described, even in jest, as anything remotely resembling a "bowlful of jelly."

Men aren't interested in stockings unless somebody's wearing them.

Having to do the "Ho, Ho, Ho," thing would seriously inhibit their ability to pick up women.

Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment.
 

What do the female reindeer do when Santa takes the male reindeer out on Christmas Eve?

They go to town and blow a couple of bucks.

 

'Twas the day after Christmas, and all through the house,
Every creature was hurting -- even the mouse.
The toys were all broken, their batteries dead;
Santa passed out, with some ice on his head.
Wrapping and ribbons just covered the floor,
while Upstairs the family continued to snore.
And I in my T-shirt, new Reeboks and jeans,
Went into the kitchen and started to clean.
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the sink to see what was the matter.
Away to the window I flew like a flash,
Tore open the curtains, and threw up the sash.
When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a little white truck, with an oversized mirror.
The driver was smiling, so lively and grand;
The patch on his jacket said "US POSTMAN."
With a handful of bills, he grinned like a fox then
quickly he stuffed them into our mailbox.
Bill after bill, after bill, they still came.
Whistling and shouting he called them by name:
Now Dillard's, now Broadway's, now Penny's and
Sears Here's Levitz's and Target's and Mervyn's--all here!!
To the top of your limit, every store, every mall,
Now chargeaway-chargeaway-chargeaway all!
He whooped and he whistled as he finished his work.
He filled up the box, and then turned with a jerk.
He sprang to his truck and he drove down the road,
Driving much faster with just half a load.
Then I heard him exclaim with great holiday cheer,
"ENJOY WHAT YOU GOT ... YOU'LL BE PAYING ALL YEAR!"

Merry Christmas!

 

Mafia Christmas

Twas the night before Christmas,
Da whole house was mella,
Not a creature was stirrin',
Cuz I had a gun unda da pilla.

When up on da roof
I heard somethin' pound,
I sprung to da window,
To scream, "YO! Keep it down!"

When what to my
Wanderin' eyes should appear,
But da Don of all elves,
And eight friggin' reindeer!

Wit' slicked-back black hair,
And a silk red suit,
Don Christopher wuz here,
And he brought da loot!

Wit' a slap to dare snouts,
And a yank on dare manes,
He cursed and he shouted,
And he called dem by name:

"Yo Tony, Yo Frankie,
Yo Vinny, Yo Vito,
Ay Joey, Ay Paulie,
Ay Pepe, Ay Guido!"

As I drew out my gun
And hid by da bed,
He flew troo da winda
And slapped me 'side the head.

"What da hell you doin'
Pullin' a gun on da Don?
Now all you're gettin' is coal,
You friggin' moron!"

Den pointin' a fat finga
Right unda my nose,
He twisted his pinky ring,
And up da chimney he rose.

He sprang to his sleigh,
Obscenities screamin',
Away dey all flew,
Before he troo dem a beatin'.

Den I heard him yell out,
What I did least expect,
"Merry Friggin' Christmas to all,
And yous better show some respect!"

 

Dear Santa: You must be surprised that I am writing you today, the 26th of December.

Well, I would very much like to clear up certain things that have occurred since the begining of this year, when filled with illusion, I wrote you my letter. I asked for a bicycle, an electric train set, a pair of rollerblades, and a football uniform.

I destroyed my brain studying the whole year. Not only was I the first in my class, but I had the best grades in the whole school. I am not going to lie to you, there was no one in my entire neighborhood that behaved better than me with my parents, my brothers, my friends, and my neighbors.

I would go on errands, and even help the elderly cross the street. There was virtually nothing that I would not do for humanity.

So what balls do you have leaving me a fucking yo-yo, a stupid whistle and a pair of socks? What the fuck were you thinking, you fat son-of-a-bitch, that you've taken me for a sucker the whole fucking year to come out with some shit like this under the tree! As if you hadn't fucked me enough, you gave the little jerkhead across the street so many toys that he can't even walk into his house!

Please don't let me see you trying to fit your big fat ass down my chimney next year or I'll fuck you up. I'll throw rocks at those stupid reindeer and scare them away so that you'll have to walk back to the fucking North Pole, just like I have to do now since you didn't get me that fucking bike.

FUCK YOU SANTA. Next year you'll find out how bad I can be, you FAT-SON-OF-A-BITCH.

Sincerely,

Little Johnny
 

Valentine's Day Card Shopping

A woman went to the mall to buy Valentine's Day cards for her son and father.

The 50 feet of displays for hundreds of cards astounded her.

She muttered out loud, "I wonder if they have anything for ex-husbands."

The clerk behind the counter said, "Oh, yes m'am, they do, but they're in Sporting Goods."

"Really?" exclaimed the woman.

"Yes m'am. They're called darts."

Which Valentine's Day gift would you like? To determine your personality, pick the gift you'd most like to receive....

1. Candy
2. Flowers
3. A sweet poem
4. Sex
5. Dinner/Dancing
6. Waffle iron

1. CANDY

It means that... You are a sweet person who enjoys traditional gifts and hopefully likes to share. OR... You're a selfish chocoholic who values a sugar high over everything, even true love.

2. FLOWERS

It means that... You love the beauty of nature, the scent of flowers and appreciate this timeless romantic gesture. OR... You get some twisted joy out of watching vegetation wither and die.

3. A SWEET POEM

It means that... You're a hopeless romantic, a cultured person who recognizes the power and beauty of the written word. OR... You're used to cheap gifts and like to pass yourself off as a cultured person who recognizes the power and beauty of the written word.

4. SEX

It means that... You are a passionate soul, a free spirit who is not afraid to express your sexuality with another consenting adult and feel that the physical side of love can be meaningful and beautiful. OR... You're a filthy degenerate who is no better than a rutting animal living solely for one carnal experience after another.

5. DINNER/DANCING

It means that... You enjoy the company of that special someone and the romantic setting of fine cuisine and candlelight. OR... You're easy to please and probably willing to sell your body for food and drink and few quick turns around the dance floor.

6. WAFFLE IRON

It means that... You're a practical person who believes in gifts that you can actually use. OR... You have absolutely no idea of what gift-giving is all about and probably have some sort of deviant fetish involving kitchen appliances.
 

WOMEN

They smile when they want to scream.
They sing when they want to cry.
They cry when they are happy and laugh when they are nervous.
They fight for what they believe in.
They stand up for injustice.
They don't take "no" for an answer when they believe
there is a better solution.
They go without new shoes so their children can have them.
They go to the doctor with a frightened friend.
They love unconditionally.
They cry when their children excel and cheer when their
friends get awards.
They are happy when they hear about a birth or a new marriage.
Their hearts break when a friend dies.
They have sorrow at the loss of a family member, yet
they are strong when they think there is no strength left.
They know that a hug and a kiss can heal a broken heart.
Women come in all SIZES, in all colors and shapes.
They'll drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you to show how much they care about you.
The heart of a woman is what makes the world spin!
Women do more than just give birth.
They bring joy and hope.
They give compassion and ideals.
They give moral support to their family and friends.
Women have a lot to say and a lot to give.

There are certain advantages to being a woman...

We got off the Titanic first.
We can scare male bosses with mysterious gynecological disorder excuses.
Taxis stop for them.
We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.
No fashion faux pas we make could ever rival The Speedo.
We don't have to pass gas to amuse ourselves.
If we forget to shave, no one has to know.
We can congratulate our teammate without ever touching her rear.
We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.
We have the ability to dress ourselves.
We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.
If we marry someone 20 years younger, we're aware that we look like an idiot.
There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.
We'll never regret piercing our ears.
We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.
We can make comments about how silly men are in their presence, because they aren't listening.

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY LADIES !!!
 

Most people don't know that in 1912, Hellman's Mayonnaise was manufactured in England.

The Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico that was to be the next port of call for the great ship after New York City.

The people of Mexico eagerly awaited the first delivery and were very upset at the news of the sinking. They were so upset that they declared a national day of mourning which they still observe today.

The Holiday is known, of course, as: Sinko de Mayo.
 

When God Made Fathers

When the good Lord was creating Fathers, he started with a tall frame.
A female angel nearby said, "What kind of a Father is that? If you're going to make children so close to the ground, why have you put the Father up so high? He won't be able to shoot marbles without kneeling, tuck a child in bed without bending, or even kiss a child without stooping"

God smiled and said, "Yes, but if I make him child size, who would children have to look up to?"

And when God made a Father's hands, they were large. The angel shook her head and said,"Large hands can't manage diaper pins, small buttons, rubber bands on pony tails, or even remove splinters caused from baseball bats."

Again God smiled and said, "I know, but they're large enough to hold everything a small boy empties from his pockets, yet small enough to cup a child's face in them."

Then God molded long slim legs and broad shoulders, "Do you realize you just made a Father without a lap?" The angel chuckled.

God said, "A Mother needs a lap. A Father needs strong shoulders to pull a sled, to balance a boy on a bicycle, or to hold a sleepy head on the way home from the circus."

When God was in the middle of creating the biggest feet any one had ever seen, the angel could not contain herself any longer. "That's not fair. Do you honestly think those feet are going to get out of bed early in the morning when the baby cries, or walk through a birthday party without crushing one or two of the guests?"

God again smiled and said, "They will work. You will see. They will support a small child who wants to ride to Branbury Cross or scare mice away from a summer cabin, or display shoes that will be a challenge to fill." God worked throughout the night, giving the Father few words, but a firm authoritative voice; eyes that see everything, but remain calm and tolerant.

Finally, almost as an after thought, He added tears. Then he turned to the angel and said, "Now are you satisfied he can love as much as a Mother can?"

The angel said nothing more.

~by Erma Bombeck~
 

Look up! And see me!
I stand for peace - honor - truth and justice.
I stand for freedom
I am confident - I am arrogant
I am proud.

When I am flown with my fellow banners
My head is a little higher
My colors a little truer.
I bow to no one.

I am recognized all over the world.
I am worshipped - I am saluted - I am respected
I am revered - I am loved, and I am feared.
I have fought every battle of every war
for more than 200 years:
Gettysburg, Shilo, Appomatox, San Juan Hill,
the trenches of France,
the Argonne Forest, Anzio, Rome,
the beaches of Normandy,

the deserts of Africa,
the cane fields of the Philippines,
the rice paddies andjungles of Guam, Okinawa,
Japan, Korea, Vietnam, Guadalcanal,
New Britain, Peleliu, and many more islands.
And a score of places long forgotten
by all but those who were with me.

I was there.
I led my soldiers - I followed them.
I watched over them.
They loved me.
I was on a small hill in Iwo Jima.
I was dirty, battle-worn and tired,
but my soldiers cheered me,
and I was proud.

I have been soiled, burned, torn
and trampled on the streets of countries
I have helped set free.
It does not hurt, for I am invincible.

I have been soiled, burned, torn
and trampled on the streets of my country,
and when it is by those with whom
I have served in battle - it hurts.
But I shall overcome - for I am strong.

I have slipped the bonds of Earth
and stand watch over the
uncharted new frontiers of space
from my vantage point on the moon.

I have been a silent witness to all
of America's finest hours.
But my finest hour comes when I am torn
into strips to be used for bandages
for my wounded comrades on the field of battle,

When I fly at half mast to honor my soldiers,
And when I lie in the trembling arms
of a grieving mother at the graveside
of her fallen son.

I am proud.
My name is Old Glory.
Dear God - Long may I wave.

~by Howard Schnauber~
 

A father is a person who is forced to endure childbirth without an anesthetic. He growls when he feels good and laughs very loud when he is scared half-to-death.

A father never feels entirely worthy of the worship in a child's eyes. He is never quite the hero his daughter thinks. Never quite the man his son believes him to be. And this worries him sometimes. (So he works too hard to try to smooth the rough places in the road of those of his own who will follow him.)

A father is a person who goes to war sometimes ... and would run the other way except that war is part of his only important job in his life, (which is making the world better for his child than it has been for him).

Fathers grow older faster than people, because they, in other wars, have to stand at the train station and wave goodbye to the uniform that climbs on board.

And, while mothers cry where it shows, fathers stand and beam -- outside -- and die inside.

Fathers are men who give daughters away to other men, who aren't nearly good enough, so that they can have children that are smarter than anybody's.

Fathers fight dragons almost daily. They hurry away from the breakfast table, off to the arena which is sometimes called an office or a workshop. There, with callused hands, they tackle the dragon with three heads; Weariness, Works, and Monotony. And they never quite win the fight, but they never give up.

Knights in shining armor; fathers in shiny trousers. There's little difference as they march away each workday.

I don't know where a father goes when he dies, but I've an idea that, after a good rest, wherever it is, he won't just sit on a cloud and wait for the girl he's loved and the children she bore. He'll be busy there too -- repairing the stars, oiling the gates, improving the streets, smoothing the way.

~by Paul Harvey~
 

DADDY'S DAY

Her hair up in a ponytail,
her favorite dress tied with a bow,
Today was Daddy's Day at school,
and she couldn't wait to go.

But her mommy tried to tell her,
that she probably should stay home,
Why the kids might not understand,
if she went to school alone.

But she was not afraid;
she knew just what to say,
What to tell her classmates,
on this Daddy's Day.

But still her mother worried,
for her to face this day alone.
And that was why she once again
tried to keep her daughter home.

But the little girl went to school,
eager to tell them all,
About a dad she never sees,
a dad who never calls.

There were daddies along the wall in back,
for everyone to meet,
Children squirming impatiently,
anxious in their seats.

One by one the teacher called,
a student from the class,
To introduce their daddy,
as seconds slowly passed.

At last the teacher called her name,
every child turned to stare,
Each of them were searching,
for a man who wasn't there.

"Where's her daddy at?"
she heard a boy call out,
"She probably doesn't have one,"
another student dared to shout.

And from somewhere near the back,
she heard a daddy say,
"Looks like another deadbeat dad,
too busy to waste his day."

The words did not offend her,
as she smiled at all her friends,
And looked back at her teacher,
who told her to begin.

And with hands behind her back,
slowly she began to speak,
From out of the mouth of a child,
came words incredibly unique.

"My Daddy couldn't be here,
because he lives so far away,
But I know he wishes that he
could be here with me today.

And though you cannot meet him,
I wanted you to know,
All about my daddy,
and how much he loves me so.

He loved to tell me stories,
he taught me to ride my bike.
He surprised me with pink roses,
and taught me to fly a kite.

We used to share fudge sundaes
and ice cream in a cone,
And though you cannot see him,
I'm not standing all alone.

Cause my daddy's always with me,
even though we are apart,
I know because he told me,
he'll forever be here in my heart.

With that her little hand reached up,
and lay across her chest,
Feeling her own heartbeat,
beneath her favorite dress.

From somewhere in the crowd of dads,
her mother stood in tears,
She proudly watched her daughter,
who was wise beyond her years.

She stood up for the love
of a man not in her life,
Doing what was best for her
and doing what was right.

She dropped her hand back down,
staring straight into the crowd,
She finished with a voice so soft,
but its message clear and loud.

"I love my daddy very much
and he's my shining star,
He would be here if he could,
but heaven's just too far.

Sometimes when I close my eyes,
it's like he never went away.
Then she closed her eyes,
and saw him there with her that day.

To her mother's amazement,
she witnessed with surprise,
A room full of daddies and children,
all starting to close their eyes.

Who knows what they saw before them
or what they felt inside.
Perhaps just for a second,
they saw him at her side.

"I know you're with me Daddy,"
to the silence she called out.
What happened next made believers,
of those once filled with doubt.

No one there could explain it,
for each had their eyes closed,
But there placed on her desktop,
was a beautiful fragrant pink rose.

A child was blessed this moment
by the love of her shining star.
And given the gift of believing,
Heaven is never too far.

~By Cheryl Costello-Forshey ©2000~
Submitted by Harry Updegraff, Jr.
 

WHEN GOD MADE FATHERS

When the good Lord was creating fathers, he started with a tall frame.

A female angel nearby said, "What kind of a father is that? If you're going to make children so close to the ground, why have you put the father up so high? He won't be able to shoot marbles without kneeling, tuck a child in bed without bending, or even kiss a child without stooping"

God smiled and said, "Yes, but if I make him child size, who would children have to look up to?"

And when God made a father's hands, they were large. The angel shook her head and said,"Large hands can't manage diaper pins, small buttons, rubber bands on pony tails, or even remove splinters caused from baseball bats."

Again God smiled and said, "I know, but they're large enough to hold everything a small boy empties from his pockets, yet small enough to cup a child's face in them."

Then God molded long slim legs and broad shoulders, "Do you realize you just made a father without a lap?" The angel chuckled.

God said, "A mother needs a lap. A mather needs strong shoulders to pull a sled, to balance a boy on a bicycle, or to hold a sleepy head on the way home from the circus."

When God was in the middle of creating the biggest feet any one had ever seen, the angel could not contain herself any longer. "That's not fair. Do you honestly think those feet are going to get out of bed early in the morning when the baby cries, or walk through a birthday party without crushing one or two of the guests?"

God again smiled and said, "They will work. You will see. They will support a small child who wants to ride to Branbury Cross or scare mice away from a summer cabin, or display shoes that will be a challenge to fill." God worked throughout the night, giving the father few words, but a firm authoritative voice; eyes that see everything, but remain calm and tolerant.

Finally, almost as an after thought, He added tears. Then he turned to the angel and said, "Now are you satisfied he can love as much as a mother can?"

The angel said nothing more.

~by Erma Bombeck~
 

The Price Of Freedom

Have you ever wondered what happened to the 56 men who signed the Declaration of Independence?

Five signers were captured by the British as traitors, and tortured before they died.

Twelve had their homes ransacked and burned.

Two lost their sons serving in the Revolutionary Army; another had two sons captured.

Nine of the 56 fought and died from wounds or hardships of the Revolutionary War.

They signed and they pledged their lives, their fortunes, and their sacred honor.

What kind of men were they?

Twenty-four were lawyers and jurists. Eleven were merchants, nine were farmers and large plantation owners: men of means, well educated. But they signed the Declaration of Independence knowing full well that the penalty would be death if they were captured.

Carter Braxton of Virginia, a wealthy planter and trader saw his ships swept from the seas by the British Navy. He sold his home and properties to pay his debts and died in rags.

Thomas McKeam was so hounded by the British that he was forced to move his family almost constantly. He served in the Congress without pay, and his family was kept in hiding. His possessions were taken from him, and poverty was his reward.

Vandals or soldiers looted the properties of Dillery Hall, Clymer, Walton, Gwinett, Heyward, Ruttledge, and Middleton. At the battle of Yorktown, Thomas Nelson, Jr. noted that the British General Cornwallis had taken over the Nelson home for his headquarters. He quietly urged General George Washington to open fire. The home was destroyed, and Nelson died bankrupt.

Francis Lewis had his home and properties destroyed. The enemy jailed his wife, and she died within a few months. John Hart was driven from his wife's bedside as she was dying. Their 13 children fled for their lives. His fields and his gristmill were laid to waste. For more than a year he lived in forests and caves, returning to find his wife dead and his children vanished. A few weeks later he died from exhaustion and a broken heart. Norris and Livingston suffered similar fates.

Such were the stories and sacrifices of the American Revolution. These were not wild-eyed, rabble-rousing ruffians. They were soft-spoken men of means and education. They had security, but they valued liberty more. Standing tall and straight, and unwavering, they pledged: "For the support of the declaration, with firm reliance on the protection of the divine providence, we mutually pledge to each other, our lives, our fortunes and our sacred honor."

They gave you and me a free and independent America. The history books told you a lot of what happened in the Revolutionary War. We didn't fight just the British. We were British subjects at that time and we fought our own government!

Some of us take these liberties so much for granted, but we shouldn't. So take a few minutes while enjoying your 4th of July holiday and silently thank these patriots. It's not much to ask for the price they paid.

Remember: Freedom is never free! I hope you show your support by sharing this with as many people as you can. It's time we get the word out that Patriotism is NOT a sin, and the Fourth of July has more to it than beer, picnics, and baseball games.

~Author Unknown~
 

In 1776
America was born
Our forefathers freed us
From tyranny and scorn

They had a vision
Of democracy
Where all men are equal
Where all women are free

So the Jeffersons battled
The Washingtons led
The rebels pressed on
Some in glory, some dead

The revolution was won
We have our U.S. of A.
A nation of bright spirit
That lives on to this day

They fought for freedom
They fought for our rights
They fought for religion
And family

They fought for justice
They fought out of pride
They fought for a new nation
And liberty

For America is
The Home of the Brave
The Home of the Free
The Home of You and of Me

~By Dobhran~
 

I WISH YOU JOY THIS LABOR DAY

I wish you joy,
I wish you all the pleasures
The world has to give,
Pleasures of a pure heart
And soul

I wish you the exhileration
Felt atop mountain peaks,
I wish you the cool comfort
Of a shaggy, shady oak

I wish you the thrill
Of watching your children
Grow up and blossom
Into a loving, caring maturity

I wish you all the passion
That a love for the ages,
A nurturing, spontaneous love,
Can generously give

I wish you never know loneliness,
Never know pain and sorrow
To excess or extremes,
And if you do,
It gives birth to future joys

I wish you good health
Of mind, body and spirit,
That your journey through life
Be a peaceful one

I wish you friendship
The kind that supports you,
Sustains you,
And makes you stop to smile

I wish you love and friendship,
Comfort and peace,
I wish you joy!

~Written By Dobhran~

Halloween is coming up in a month, so...

Some books never written:
"I Hate Halloween Parties" by Bob Frapples.
"Food Safety" by E. Coli.

And here are some eye rollers...

Ryan: Did you know the werewolf had two brothers?
Bryan: Really? What were their names?
Ryan: Whatwolf and Whenwolf.

Clyde: Why didn't the skeleton eat his cake?
Sean: Why?
Clyde: Because he didn't have the stomach for it.

Jory: Why did the skeleton learn to play the piano?
Rory: Why?
Jory: He didn't have an organ.

Barty: What do monsters eat for breakfast?
Marty: What?
Barty: Scream of Wheat.

LEAST POPULAR HALLOWEEN HANDOUTS:

1. Spinach flavored Rice Cakes.
2. Teeth removing Taffy.
3. Metamucil in a straw.
4. Ex-Lax Brownies.
5. Caramel covered zucchini.
6. Chocolate covered prunes.

Shivery Yells
(to the tune of SILVER BELLS)
We're on sidewalks, we're on porches ,
Dressed in costumes to scare.
Through the city we're ringing the doorbells

Trick or treating, candy eating,
Gooey stuff in our hair
But the most fun is shrieking out loud:

Shivery yells, Shivery yells
That's the Halloween nitty-gritty
Moan and groan, leaves us alone
Halloween's just one night a year.

What do Skeletons say before eating?

Bone Appetite.

Why did the Vampire get fired from the Blood Bank?

He was caught drinking on the job.

Pumpkin Bells
(to the tune of JINGLE BELLS)

Dashing through the streets
In our costumes bright and gay
To each house we go
Laughing all the way

Halloween is here,
Making spirits bright
What fun it is to trick-or-treat
And sing pumpkin carols tonight!

Oh Pumpkin bells, Pumpkin bells
Ringing loud and clear
Oh what fun great pumpkin brings
When Halloween is here.

How do monsters tell their future?

They read their horror-scope.

What is a vampire's favorite sport?

Casket-ball.

"Deck The Patch"
( to the tune of DECK THE HALLS)

Deck the patch with orange and black
Fa la la la la, la la la la
Take along your goody sack
Fa la la la la, la la la la

Don we now our weird apparel
Fa la la la la, la la la la
Toll the ancient pumpkin carol
Fa la la la la, la la la la

See the great one rise before us
Fa la la la la, la la la la
As we sing the pumpkin chorus
Fa la la la la, la la la la

Follow him as he ascends
Fa la la la la, la la la la
Join with true great pumpkin friends.
Fa la la la la, la la la la

Why do ghosts have so much trouble dating?

Women can see right through them.

Why aren't there any famous skeletons?

They're a bunch of no bodies.

I'm Dreaming Of
The Great Pumpkin
(to the tune of WHITE CHRISTMAS)

I'm dreaming of the great pumpkin
Just like I do this time each year.
When he brings nice toys
To good girls and boys
Who wait for him to appear.

I'm dreaming of the great pumpkin
With every pumpkin card I write.
May your jack-o-lanterns burn bright
When the great pumpkin visits you tonight.

Why was the skeleton afraid to cross the road?

It had no guts.

How do witches keep their hair in place while flying?

With scare spray.

Puppy Christmas
On the first day of Christmas my puppy gave to me
The Santa topper from the Christmas tree.

On the second day of Christmas my puppy gave to me
Two leaking bubble lights
And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.

On the third day of Christmas my puppy gave to me
Three punctured ornaments
Two leaking bubble lights
And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.

On the fourth day of Christmas my puppy gave to me
Four broken window candles
Three punctured ornaments
Two leaking bubble lights
And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.

On the fifth day of Christmas my puppy gave to me
Five chewed-up stockings
Four broken window candles
Three punctured ornaments
Two leaking bubble lights
And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.

On the sixth day of Christmas my puppy gave to me
Six yards of soggy ribbon
Five chewed-up stockings
Four broken window candles
Three punctured ornaments
Two leaking bubble lights
And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.

On the seventh day of Christmas my puppy gave to me
Seven scraps of wrapping paper
Six yards of soggy ribbon
Five chewed-up stockings
Four broken window candles
Three punctured ornaments
Two leaking bubble lights
And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.

On the eighth day of Christmas my puppy gave to me
Eight tiny reindeer fragments
Seven scraps of wrapping paper
Six yards of soggy ribbon
Five chewed-up stockings
Four broken window candles
Three punctured ornaments
Two leaking bubble lights
And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.

On the ninth day of Christmas my puppy gave to me
My wreath in nine pieces
Eight tiny reindeer fragments
Seven scraps of wrapping paper
Six yards of soggy ribbon
Five chewed-up stockings
Four broken window candles
Three punctured ornaments
Two leaking bubble lights
And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.

On the tenth day of Christmas my puppy gave to me
Ten Christmas cards I shoulda mailed
My wreath in nine pieces
Eight tiny reindeer fragments
Seven scraps of wrapping paper
Six yards of soggy ribbon
Five chewed-up stockings
Four broken window candles
Three punctured ornaments
Two leaking bubble lights
And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.

On the eleventh day of Christmas my puppy gave to me
Eleven unwrapped presents
Ten Christmas cards I shoulda mailed
My wreath in nine pieces
Eight tiny reindeer fragments
Seven scraps of wrapping paper
Six yards of soggy ribbon
Five chewed-up stockings
Four broken window candles
Three punctured ornaments
Two leaking bubble lights
And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.

On the twelfth day of Christmas my puppy gave to me
A dozen puppy kisses and I forgot all about the other eleven days

 

Halloween night, the man's doorbell rings and he answers it with the bowl of candy. Here stands a plain, but well-dressed kid saying, "Trick or treat!"

The man askes the kid what he's dressed up like for Halloween.

The kid says, "I'm an I.R.S. agent."

Then the kid takes 28% of the man's candy and leaves, and doesn't say "Thank you."

GHOSTS AND GOBLINS

It was a cold and gloomy, October night,
with eyes wide, filled with fright,
she hurried along, the sidewalk dark,
as she neared the entrance, to the park.

All around her, were ghostly shapes,
some with fangs, shrouded in in capes.
A couple old hags, most assuredly witches,
other's with bodies, covered in stitches.

As she scurried along, in shadows deep,
up behind her, she hears something creep.
With pounding heart, she began to run faster,
knowing she's the one, the thing is after.

On her shoulder, a hand tightly grips,
with a loud scream, she suddenly trips.
Glancing around, she sees it's only her brother,
hand over mouth, a laugh trying to smother.

There's really nothing, we should fear,
for it's only, one time of the year,
when ghosts and goblins, can be seen,
so please have a safe and happy, Halloween.

 

TWICK OR TWEAT

On Halloween, this woman opens her door to find the most adorable little girl, with golden blond hair and the biggest blue eyes. She was dressed as an witch, and was just delightful.

The woman said, "What are you supposed to say sweetheart?" The little girl looks up at the woman and says... "Twick or Tweat!" The woman thinks this is just adorable, and she calls her husband to come to the door.

The woman say to the child, "Go ahead honey say it just one more time." Once again the little Angel looks up and says, "Twick or Tweat!" The husband agrees with his wife, this little witch is just the cutest thing.

The woman picks an apple from the Treat Bowl, shines it up with her apron, and drops it into the little girl's Treat Bag.

The little witch looks in her bag then looks up at the woman and says...

"Thanks lady, you just boke my goddamn cookies!"
 

If you find that your house is built upon or near a cemetary, was once a church used for black masses, had previous inhabitants who went mad or committed suicide or died in some horrible fashion, or had inhabitants who performed satanic practices in your house move away immediately.

When it appears that you have killed the monster, *never* check to see if it's really dead.

Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.
Do not search the basement, especially if the power has gone out.


When you have the benefit of numbers, *never* pair off and go it alone.

As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.
If appliances start operating by themselves, move out.

Never stand in, on, above, below, beside, or anywhere near a grave, tomb, crypt, mausoleum, or other house of the dead.

If you're searching for something which caused a noise and find out that it's just the cat, leave the room immediately if you value your life.

If you find a town which looks deserted, it's probably for a reason. Take the hint and stay away.

If you're running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down at least twice, more if you are of the female persuasion. Also note that, despite the fact that you are running and the monster is merely shambling along, it's still moving fast enough to catch up with you.

Don't fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you're sure you know what you're doing.

If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic behavior such as hissing, fascination for blood, glowing eyes, increasing hairiness, and so on, get away from them as fast as possible.

Do not take *anything* from the dead.

Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, Nilbog (you're in trouble if you recognize this one), the Bermuda Triangle, or any small town in Maine.

If your car runs out of gas at night, do not go to the nearby deserted-looking house to phone for help.

Beware of strangers bearing tools such as chainsaws, staple guns, hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, combines, lawnmowers, butane torches, soldering irons, band saws, or any devices made from deceased companions.

Grandma will remember last Halloween forever. No, it was not a good one. Sit down (near a grown up friend, or your Mom or Dad), and I'll tell you about it.

Just as the sun was going down, the wind started to blow so hard it made the trees groan. All day it seemed like a storm was coming. It got dark very early, kind of smoky dark outdoors with lots of heavy gray clouds and the wind kept blowing. Everyone had their car headlights on by four o'clock.

Grandma stopped by a friend's home for a visit, because she always misses her children and grandchildren on Sundays and holidays. They wanted her to go with them to a party in downtown Dallas. Instead, Grandma decided to go on home and relax before the storm really hit. A light rain had already begun to fall, slowly, but in big drops.

Finishing her visit with her friends Grandma wished them a "Happy Pumpkin Day," and said good-bye. She stopped at the grocery store on the way home to pick up some food and sneak a peek at the Trick or Treaters.

By the time she got home it was nearly seven o'clock at night. The storm had started, so she parked in the "No Parking" area, close to her front door just to take her groceries inside. She had to go find a parking spot after that. The closest one was way around the corner from where she lived, by some trash dumpsters.

Just as Grandma got out of her car and closed the door, she heard a "Whoosh" sound come from one from one of 'the trash Dumpster. Her heart felt like it had stopped beating, and she stopped breathing, after uttering a sound. "Eeeee Yipes!" through her scared stiff jaws. Grandma tried to get into the car, but she couldn't get the key into the lock, so she ran for her door as fast as she could.

Grandma had left the door unlocked when she went to park the car, so it opened right away. She quickly slipped inside, put on her security alarm, and leaned against the door until she could get her breath.

The groceries had to be put away, so she began that task thinking she would not eat the fresh shrimp she had just bought, but jump into bed and watch television, all cozy and warm, so she would be ready for work in the morning.

As Grandma was pulling the milk in the refrigerator, she heard something fall and hit the patio. It made a 'thud' sound. Thinking that it was "Gypsy," the friendly dog next door, Grandma peeked out through the mini-blinds. As her eyes moved from the patio cement up toward the railing, she felt a very cold breeze sweep past her, and then, she suddenly saw a big cloud on the patio, spiraling about in one place. "It" stopped and moved over close to the door. She was scared still! Again!

Backing away from the patio doors, very slowly, Grandma sat down in her chair right under her security alarm buttons, to wait to see if she had seen what she though she did. Nothing happened so she got up and went to her bedroom to put on her "jams (if only she could have taken a deep, warm bath she thought, but it was still lightening outside).

Grandma finished putting on her warm nightclothes, and left her bedroom, with a pillow tucked under her arm, heading for the sofa. Turning back to switch off the light, she heard that sound again; the one she had heard by the dumpsters.

She spun around looking back into her room. There, looking right through the closed mini-blinds, was a huge pumpkin face. It asked her, in a hoarse voice, "Whhhhyyyy doooon't yooooooo liiike Halloween?"

Grandma pulled her bedroom door shut, with a bang, and fled into the front bedroom that was her office, so fast that her feet didn't touch the floor. She slithered under the covers and pulled them over her head. Grandma could feel her heart banging away, a hard, "lub-dub." In the same rhythm she kept saying, "I DO like Hal O Ween! I DO like Hal O Ween! I DO like Hal O Ween!" over and over again, until she fell asleep.

The next morning Grandma woke up and went right to her patio doors. She peeked out the blinds very carefully. There was nothing there. Grandma loves the morning air; so she slid the door open, like she always did, and went out to sit in a patio chair, to drink her cup of coffee.

There, on the patio, was an old candle stub inside a huge broken pumpkin shell!

So, no, Grandma did not have a good Halloween. In fact, she doesn't want to have another one, unless she is with her family, or friends, who knew her well. She said that a stranger would think she was 'coo coo.'

But, Grandma does love to make jack-o-lanterns (she no longer says the "p" word, any more), and her love for "P pie" hasn't changed, and harvest scenes are one of her favorites, and the weather... but no, Grandma does not like Halloween.

~by Carol Joyce Hinkley Thompson~

TOP TEN REASONS WHY TRICK OR TREATING IS BETTER THAN SEX.....

10. You are guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.

9. If you get tired, you can wait 10 minutes and go at it again.

8. The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.

7. You don't have to compliment the person who gives you so me.

6. It's O.K. when the person you're with fantasizes you're someone else, because you are.

5. Forty years from now you'll still enjoy candy.

4. If you don't like what you get, you can always go next door.

3. It doesn't matter if the kids hear you moaning and groaning.

2. Less guilt the morning after.

1. You can do the whole neighborhood.
 

Police arrested Malcolm Davidson, a 27 year old white male, resident of White Plains, NY, in a pumpkin patch at 11:38pm Friday. Davidson will be charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency, and public intoxication at the County courthouse on Monday.

The suspect allegedly stated that as he was passing a pumpkin patch, he decided to stop.

"You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there as no one around here for miles. At least I thought there wasn't", he stated in a phone interview from the County courthouse jail.

Davidson went on to state that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purposes, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged
"need".

"I guess I was just really into it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment. In the process, Davidson apparently failed to notice the White Plains police car approaching and was unaware of his audience until Officer Brenda Taylor approached him.

"It was an unusual situation, that's for sure," said Officer Taylor. I walked up to (Davidson) and he's...just working away at this pumpkin."

Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Davidson. "I just went up and said, 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you are screwing a pumpkin?'"

He got real surprised, as you'd expect, and then looked me straight in the face and said, "A pumpkin!? Damn... is it midnight already?"


 

A Brazilian, attending a Halloween Costume Dance, was dancing with a tourist girl who was wearing a map of Texas for a costume.

Suddenly, she slapped him hard and stalked off the dance floor.

"What the heck happened?" asked a friend who had witnessed the entire event.

"I'm not really sure," the man replied rubbing his red cheek. "When she asked if I had ever been to Texas, I put my finger on Amarillo to show her, and she let me have it."

 

Vampires

Two vampires wanted to go out to eat, but were having a little trouble
deciding where to go.

They were tired of the local food in Transylvania and wanted something a little more exotic. After some discussion, they decided to go to ITALY because they had heard that ITALIAN food was really good.

So off they went to ITALY and ended up in VENICE. On a bridge one of the canals, they hid in the shadows and waited for dinner. A few minutes later they noticed a young couple walking their way. As they neared, the vampires made their move.

Each vampire grabbed a person, sucked them dry and tossed the remaining bodies into the canal below. The vampires were extremely pleased with their meal and decided to have seconds.

Another young couple approached, a few minutes later they too suffered the same fate as the first -- sucked dry and tossed into the canal below. Our vampires are now fairly full but decide to get dessert. In a short while a third young couple provides just that. As
with the first two couples, these people were also sucked dry and tossed over the rail into the canal. The vampires decided that they had had a marvelous dinner but that it was time to head back home. As they started to walk away they began to hear some singing. They were puzzled because no one else was on the bridge. As they listened, they realized that it was coming from the canal. They looked over the rail and saw a big alligator in the water under the bridge, feasting on the bodies. They listened as the alligator sang:

Do you know what he sang? No guess? You don't know what the alligator
sang, do you?

Are you ready? Here it comes...... Scroll Down
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".....Drained wops keep falling on my head..."

THE THIRTEEN DAYS OF HALLOWEEN

On the first day of Halloween
My postman brought to me,
A Gho-o-o-ul in a dead tree.

On the second day of Halloween,
My postman brought to me,
Two walking mummies,
And a Gho-o-o-ul in a dead tree.

On the third day of Halloween,
My postman brought to me,
Three black cats,
Two walking mummies,
And a Gho-o-o-ul in a dead tree.

On the fourth day of Halloween,
My postman brought to me,
Four spooky ghosts,
Three black cats,
Two walking mummies,
And a Gho-o-o-ul in a dead tree.

On the fifth day of Halloween,
My postman brought to me,
Five witches riding brooms,
Four spooky ghosts,
Three black cats,
Two walking mummies,
And a Gho-o-o-ul in a dead tree.

On the sixth day of Halloween,
My postman brought to me,
Six hooting owls,
Five witches riding brooms,
Four spooky ghosts,
Three black cats,
Two walking mummies,
And a Gho-o-o-ul in a dead tree.

On the seventh day of Halloween,
My postman brought to me,
Seven scary pumpkins,
Six hooting owls,
Five witches riding brooms,
Four spooky ghosts,
Three black cats,
Two walking mummies,
And a Gho-o-o-ul in a dead tree.

On the eighth day of Halloween,
My postman brought to me,
Eight freaky franks,
Seven scary pumpkins,
Six hooting owls,
Five witches riding brooms,
Four spooky ghosts,
Three black cats
Two walking mummies,
And a Gho-o-o-ul in a dead tree.

On the ninth day of Halloween,
My postman brought to me,
Nine reapers reaping,
Eight freaky franks,
Seven scary pumpkins,
Six hooting owls,
Five witches riding brooms,
Four spooky ghosts,
Three black cats,
Two walking mummies,
And a Gho-o-o-ul in a dead tree.

On the tenth day of Halloween,
My postman brought to me,
Ten skulls a-smoking,
Nine reapers reaping,
Eight freaky franks,
Seven scary pumpkins,
Six hooting owls,
Five witches riding brooms,
Four spooky ghosts,
Three black cats,
Two walking mummies,
And a Gho-o-o-ul in a dead tree.

On the eleventh day of Halloween,
My postman brought to me,
Eleven coffins creaking,
Ten skulls a-smoking,
Nine reapers reaping,
Eight freaky franks,
Seven scary pumpkins,
Six hooting owls,
Five witches riding brooms,
Four spooky ghosts,
Three black cats,
Two walking mummies,
And a Gho-o-o-ul in a dead tree.

On the twelfth day of Halloween,
My postman brought to me,
Twelve skeletons a-dancing,
Eleven coffins creaking,
Ten skulls a-smoking,
Nine reapers reaping,
Eight freaky franks,
Seven scary pumpkins,
Six hooting owls,
Five witches riding brooms,
Four spooky ghosts,
Three black cats,
Two walking mummies,
And a Gho-o-o-ul in a dead tree.

 

The prayer entitled "I Asked" was written by a Confederate soldier.
It was recovered from his body in Devil's Den after the battle of Gettysburg,and is a provocative prayer that many of our Veterans can relate to:

"I Asked"

I asked for strength that I might achieve,
God made me weak that I might obey.

I asked for health that I might do great things,
I was given grace that I might do better things.

I asked for riches that I might be happy,
I was given poverty that I might be wise.

I asked for power that I might have the praise of men,
I was given weakness that I might feel the need for God.

I asked for all things that I might enjoy life,
I was given life that I might enjoy all things.

I received nothing that I asked for,
My prayer was answered.

~A prayer by a Confederate Soldier~

Veterans Day honors men and women who have served in the U.S. armed services. Veterans Day, November 11th, is a legal federal holiday in the U.S. Great Britain celebrates November 11th as Armistice Day; it is not a legal holiday but special observances celebrate the armistice that ended World War I on November 11, 1918. France also calls it Armistice Day.

Canada has a legal holiday called Remembrance Day that is celebrated on November 11th. Veterans Day celebrations in the United States include parades and speeches. Special services are held at the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier in Arlington National Cemetery in Virginia;
they begin with 2 minutes of silence, then after the playing of taps, a wreath is placed at the tomb which houses the graves of 3 unknown Americans who fought in World War I, World War II, and the Korean War. In a ceremony in Washington, D.C., a wreath is placed at the Vietnam Veterans Memorial to honor those who died in the Vietnam War.

In 1919, President Woodrow Wilson proclaimed November 11th as Armistice Day to remind Americans of the tragedies of war. A law
adopted in 1938 made the day a federal holiday. In 1954, Congress
changed the name of the holiday to Veterans Day to honor all U.S. veterans. From 1971 through 1977, Veterans Day was celebrated on the 4th Monday in October.

Our national holidays have a common factor: they honor our country or its traditions and customs. Celebrating America's past, present, and future is a function of each holiday. Veterans Day is a time to remember those men and women who served in our U.S. Armed Forces.

 

It Is The Soldier...

It is the soldier,
not the reporter,
Who has given us freedom of the press.

It is the soldier,
not the poet,
Who has given us freedom of speech.

It is the soldier,
not the campus organizer,
Who has given us the freedom to demonstrate.

It is the soldier,
Who salutes the flag,
Who serves beneath the flag,
and whose coffin is draped by the flag,
Who allows the protester to burn the flag.

Let's remember them on this Veteran's Day observance.

 

JUST A COMMON SOLDIER
(A Soldier Died Today)
by A. Lawrence Vaincourt

He was getting old and paunchy and his hair was falling fast,
And he sat around the Legion, telling stories of the past
Of a war that he had fought in and the deeds that he had done,
In his exploits with his buddies; they were heroes, every one.

And tho' sometimes, to his neighbors, his tales became a joke,
All his Legion buddies listened, for they knew whereof he spoke.
But we'll hear his tales no longer for old Bill has passed away,
And the world's a little poorer, for a soldier died today.

He will not be mourned by many, just his children and his wife,
For he lived an ordinary and quite uneventful life.
Held a job and raised a family, quietly going his own way,
And the world won't note his passing, though a soldier died today.

When politicians leave this earth, their bodies lie in state,
While thousands note their passing and proclaim that they were great.
Papers tell their whole life stories, from the time that they were young,But the passing of a soldier goes unnoticed and unsung.

Is the greatest contribution to the welfare of our land
A guy who breaks his promises and cons his fellow man?
Or the ordinary fellow who, in times of war and strife,
Goes off to serve his Country and offers up his life?

A politician's stipend and the style in which he lives
Are sometimes disproportionate to the service that he gives.
While the ordinary soldier, who offered up his all,
Is paid off with a medal and perhaps, a pension small.

It's so easy to forget them for it was so long ago,
That the old Bills of our Country went to battle, but we know
It was not the politicians, with their compromise and ploys,
Who won for us the freedom that our Country now enjoys.

Should you find yourself in danger, with your enemies at hand,
Would you want a politician with his ever-shifting stand?
Or would you prefer a soldier, who has sworn to defend
His home, his kin and Country and would fight until the end?

He was just a common soldier and his ranks are growing thin,
But his presence should remind us we may need his like again.
For when countries are in conflict, then we find the soldier's part
Is to clean up all the troubles that the politicians start.

If we cannot do him honor while he's here to hear the praise,
Then at least let's give him homage at the ending of his days.
Perhaps just a simple headline in a paper that would say,
Our Country is in mourning, for a soldier died today.

 

Lorraine

WHAT DOES 'VETERAN' STAND FOR?

V Victory Is Our Cry
E Excellence Is Our Motto
T Teamwork Is What We Do Best
E Efficiency Is Our Product
R Reliability Is Our History
A America Is What We Stand For
N Now And Forever,
Now,We Are Ready

By Keith L. Bennett

Baby Blues

Part of Great Speech by Brian Shul, Veteran

"... we are a country awakened now. We have been attacked in our
homeland. We have now felt the reality of what an unstable and
dangerous world it truly is...

...some College students of ignorance and naïve notions, like
mindless sheep, march with painted faces and trite sayings on
signs, blissfully ignorant of the world they live in, and the
system that protects them, hoping maybe to make the evening news.
Perhaps if they had spent more time in class they would have
learned that those who forget the past are condemned to repeat
it. They might have learned that all it takes for evil to succeed
in the world, is for good people to stand by and do nothing. If
they had simply gone back in history as recently as the Viet Nam
War, they would have learned that an enemy that knows it can never
defeat us militarily, will persist as long as there is dissention
and disruption in our land...

I think this is a wonderful country,that gives everyone their
voice of dissention. I am all for people expressing their views
publicly because it makes it much easier for us to identify the
truly foolish, and to know who cannot be counted on in times of
crisis. These are the weak and cowardly who, when the enemy is
crashing through the front door, will cower in the back room,
counting on better men than themselves to make and keep them
free. Well, the enemy is at our front door, and isn't it
interesting those who cry loudest and most often for their rights,
are usually those least willing to defend it.....

I wonder what plans the young men at the beaches of Normandy had
that they never got to live. I wonder if it was in the plans of
19-year-old boys in Viet Nam to lie dying in a jungle far from
home. I guess the men and women at Pearl Harbor one morning had
their plans slightly rearranged too... Those people in the
World Trade Center have no more plans. It is up to us to have a
plan now. And it isn't going to be easy. Who ever said it
would? Just what part of our history spoke of how easy it was to
form a free nation? It has never been easy and has always
required vigilance and sacrifice, and sometimes war, to preserve
this union. If it were easy, everyone would have done it. But no
one else has, and we stand alone as the most unique country on
earth.

And isn't it amazing that we have spent a generation stamping God
out of our schools and government, and now as a nation, have
collectively turned to God in memorial services, prayer vigils and
churches around this country.

...This flag of ours is the symbol of all that is good about this
country. America is an idea. It is an idea lived, and fought for,
by a people. We are America, and this is our symbol. We are
imperfect in many ways, but we continue to strive toward the ideal
our forefathers laid down for us over 225 years ago. I could
never imagine desecrating that symbol. Perhaps there are many
people in this nation who have never been abroad, or in harms way,
and seen the flag upon their return. Those poor souls can never
know the deep pride and honor one feels to see it wave, to know
that there is still a good ol' USA. With all our warts we are
still the greatest nation on earth, and the flag is the most
powerful symbol of that greatness.....

This flag is our history, our dreams, our accomplishments,
indelibly expressed in bright red, white, and blue. This flag was
carried in our Revolutionary War, although it had many less
stars. But it persevered and evolved throughout a war we had no
right to believe we could win. But we did, and built a country
around it. This flag, tattered and battle worn, waved proudly
from the mast, as John Paul Jones showed the enemy what true
resolve was. This banner was raised by the hands of brave men on
a godforsaken island called Iwo Jima, and became a part of the
most famous photo of the 20th Century. Those men are all dead
now, but their legacy lives on in the Marine Memorial in
Washington, DC. Those of you who have seen it will recall that
inscribed within the stone monument are the words-When Uncommon
Valor, Was A Common Virtue- I don't believe you'll see the
words, "it was easy", anywhere on it. This flag has even been to
the moon, planted there for all time by men with a vision, and the
courage to see it through.

I personally know what it is to see the flag, and feel something
deep inside that makes you feel you are a part of something much
bigger than yourself. Laying in a hospital bed, I can vividly
recall looking out the only window in the room and on Sundays,
seeing that big garrison flag flying proudly in the breeze. It
filled the entire window, and filled my heart with a motivation
that helped me leave that bed, and enabled me to be standing here
today. And many years later, while fighting another terrorist
over Libya, my backseater and I outraced Khaddafi's missiles in
our SR-71 as we headed for the Mediterranean, and I can still
clearly see that American flag patch on the shoulder of my space
suit, staring at me in the rear view mirror as we headed west, and
it was a good feeling. Now don't ask me why we had rear view
mirrors in the world's fastest jet, I can assure you, no one was
gaining on us that day.....

History will judge us. How we confront this chapter of American
history will be important for the future of this great nation.
This will be a war like none other we have endured. The
combatants will not just be the soldier on the battlefront, but
will be fought by us the citizens. We are on the battlefield now;
the war has been brought to us. We will determine the outcome of
this war by how well we remain vigilant, how patient we are with
tightened security, how well we support the economy, and most
importantly, in the resolve we show the enemy. There are some
things worth fighting for, and this country is one of them.

I pray for our leaders... In the Pacific, during WW II, Admiral
Bull Halsey said, "There are no great men, just great
circumstances, and how they handle those circumstances will
determine the outcome of history". Our future and the future of
coming generations are in our hands. Wars are not won just on
military fronts, but by the resolve of the people. We must remain
tenaciously strong in the pursuit of this enemy that threatens
free people everywhere.

I am encouraged that we will win this war. Even before the first
shot was finished being fired, there were brave Americans on
Flight 93, fighting back. These people were the first true heroes
of this conflict, and gave their lives to save their fellow
countrymen.

This nation, this melting pot of humanity, this free republic,
must be preserved. This idea that is America is important enough
to be defended. Fought for. Even die for. The enemy fears what
you have, for if their people ever become liberated into a free
society, tyrannical dictatorships will cease and he will lose
power.

How can they ever understand this country of ours, so self-
indulgent and diverse, yet when attacked, so united in the defense
of its principals. This is the greatest country in the world
because brave people sacrificed to make it that way. We are a
collective mix of greatness and greed, hi-tech and heartland. We
are the country of Mickey Mouse and Mickey Mantle; from John Smith
and Pocahontas to John Glen and an Atlas booster; from Charles
Lindbergh to Charley Brown; from Moby Dick to Microsoft; we are a
nation that went from Kitty Hawk to Tranquillity Base in less than
70 years; we are rock and roll, and the Bill of Rights; we are
where everyone else wants to be, the greatest nation in the world.

The enemy does not understand the dichotomy of our society, but
they should understand this; we will bandage our wounds, we will
bury our dead; and then we will come for you.......and we will
destroy you and all you stand for...
I read this quote recently and would like to share it with you:

We are pressed on every side, but not crushed,

Perplexed, but not in despair,

Persecuted, but not abandoned,

Struck down, but not destroyed.

That is from II Corinthians. Not too long ago it would have been
politically incorrect to quote from the Bible. I am so happy to
be politically INCORRECT. And I am so proud to be an American. "

Thank you all for showing your support for your government, and
your nation. You are the true patriots, you are the soldiers of
this war, you are the strength of America.

Brian Shul... A Vietnam era USAF fighter pilot, 212 combat
missions, shot down near the end of the war and was so badly
burned that he was given next to no chance to live. Did live,
went on to fly SR-71s and completed a 20 year career in the Air
Force.

To our men and women in uniform...

past, present, and future...

Thanks, We salute you!

May God bless you!

As a Nation

Feeling the fan blowing my hair,
I realize that someone, somewhere,
Tonight has lain down their head,
On a pile of sand they call a bed.

I have an abundance of what they have not,
Surrounded by corpses lest there to rot.
Away from familiar, family and friends,
In a strange and foreign land with no ends.

The sounds and the sights of dying men,
Each of them wondering where and when,
It will be there turn to perish from the earth,
And everyone hoping for a spiritual rebirth.

Pain and sorrow gather around like rain,
Vengeful thinking keeps the mind sane.
They chose this life to find the man,
That scared us more than anyone can.

He failed in what he set out to do,
Trying to kill what is just and true.
Instead he united a cripled nation,
And all of us showed strong elation.

Now we live on stronger than before,
And will find him by the art of war.
If by some small chance we shall fall,
We shall do so as a nation one and all.

Rated G Thanksgiving Day Jokes

What did General Patton do on Thanksgiving?
He gave tanks.

"You know an ancestor of mine came over on the Mayflower."
"Really? Which rat was he?"

What's black and white and red all over?
A Pilgrim with a rash!

How did Albert Einstein celebrate Thanksgiving?
He was very thinkful.

What kind of music did Pilgrim bands play?
Plymouth Rock 'n' roll!

What would you get if you crossed a pickle with an early New England settler?
A Dillgrim!

Teacher: "What did the Indians bring to the first Thanksgiving?"
Student: "Baseballs."
Teacher: "Baseballs?"
Student: "Yeah, they were Cleveland Indians!"

Why didn't the boy get a second helping of turkey?
Because he ate it all the first time!

Why did the Pilgrim shoot the turkey?
Because he was in a fowl mood!

What would you get if you crossed a monster with a Thanksgiving dessert?
Bumpkin pie!

 

Teacher: "Why do we have a Thanksgiving holiday?"
Student: "So we know when to start Christmas shopping!"

How many cooks does it take to stuff a turkey?
One, but you really have to squeeze him in!

What November holiday do crabby people celebrate?
Cranksgiving!

What does a Pilgrim call his best friend?
A palgrim.

Teacher: "Why did the Pilgrims sail to America?"
Student: "Maybe they missed their plane."

What would you get if you crossed a turkey with an evil spirit?
A poultrygeist!

What's brown and white and flies all over?
Thanksgiving turkey, when you carve it with a chain saw!

Why did the monster get a ticket at Thanksgiving dinner?
He was exceeding the feed limit!

What would you get if you crossed a famous Giant with Indian corn?
Willie Maize!

What happened when the turkey met the axe?
He lost his head!

 

Rated G Thanksgiving Songs

Rated G Christmas

Rated G

SANTA'S SECRET WISH

Rated R From PT in Washington State

Rated PG A Few Santa Letters

Rated G Christmas

SANTA IS A WOMAN

Rated G Lorraine

Rated G

Santa's Secret Wish

Rated G

Dog's Favorite Christmas Songs:

Rated G Pat

The Week After Christmas

Rated PG VALENTINE'S DAY

A Pre-Valentine 'Moment'!

How to say "I Love You" in 17 languages....

Rated G Baby Blues - Valentine Story

The Most Beautiful Heart

Rated G

A Redneck Valentine

Rated G Baby Blues

A Mafia Valentine

Rated G Lincoln's Birthday

Rated PG Baby Blues

Some food & love poems for Valentine's

Rated G Baby Blues

Some Quotes for President's Day

Rated G Baby Blues

Atheist Holiday

Rated G Mother's Day

Rated G Baby Blues

REFLECTIONS OF A MOTHER

Rated G

Sue Bee

WHAT MOMS REALLY WANT FOR MOTHER'S DAY

Rated G

"SOMEBODY" SAID...

Rated G

useless fact (useful fact) - History of Memorial Day:

Rated G

Rated G Holloween

Trick or Treat by Your Sign

Aries:

Rated G

The Twelve Night's of HALLOWEEN...And what..., My true love gave to me...

Rated G B.B.

'PUMPKIN WONDERLAND'
(To the tune of Winter Wonderrland)

Rated G Sue Bee

Rated G Michele

POLITICALLY CORRECT HALLOWEEN

Rated PG Michele

REASONS YOU WON'T WIN THE HALLOWEEN COSTUME CONTEST

Rated G Michele

Rated G

Rated G Michele

20 WAYS TO CONFUSE TRICK-OR-TREATERS

Rated G

Halloween night the lil boy knocks on the door.

Rated G JerseyT

Why Pumpkins are better than Men:

Rated G

Rated G

TOP TEN REASONS TRICK-OR-TREATING IS BETTER THAN HAVING SEX

1. IF YOU DON'T GET WHAT YOU WANT, YOU CAN ALWAYS GO NEXT DOOR!!!