This is topic State Jokes in forum Bob Maar's Joke-A-Thon at Film-Tech Forum ARCHIVE.
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Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 08-08-2001, 03:38 PM:
Rated G 
A major network is planning the show "Survivor 2" this winter.
In response, Texas is planning "Survivor, Texas Style."
The contestants will start in Dallas, travel through Waco, Austin, San Antonio, over to Houston, and down to Brownsville.
They will proceed up to Del Rio, on to El Paso, then to Midland/Odessa, Lubbock, and Amarillo.
From there, they proceed to Abilene, and on to Ft. Worth and back to Dallas.
Each will be driving a pink Volvo with a bumper sticker that reads, "I'm gay, I voted for Al Gore, and I'm here to confiscate your guns."
The first one to make it back to Dallas wins. 
Posted by Will Kutler (Member # 770) on 08-08-2001, 05:44 PM:
Rated pgSo while Bob is raggin' on Texas, I might as well too!
This song was written and recorded by The Capitol Steps. Check out their halarious political C.D. Recordings! Sing to Willie Nelson
Mommas, Don't Let Your Babies Grow Up To Be COWBOYS!
On a fine lookin' Sunday most people agree it's no big sin
To sit on your butts drinkin' some 
while watchin' some pigskin
Us Washington Locals don't like Texas Yolkols
They're such a bizzare bunch of guys
The question were sayin' while Dallas is playin' is
"Will the Defendant please rise!"
Mommas, don't let your babbies grow up to be COWBOYS...
'Cause out on the field they may play pretty well...
But 'tis hard to throw touchdowns while locked in a cell..
Their huddle formation is breakin' probation..
And O.J.s the next one they'l sign
Hey, why's the crowd roarin'
Could Dallas be scorin'?
Snortin' the 50 yard line!
Oh Bubbas whether the COWBOYS play Redskins' or Niners'
The game gets exciten' when Switzer is boarding jet liners
When the game runs out
They'll pull the big guns out
Like COWBOYS who once ruled the earth
They could win it this season
Which could be the reason
Next Superbowls at Levenworth!
Posted by Paul Mayer (Member # 355) on 11-01-2002, 12:36 PM:
Rated PG 
A Texan, a Californian, and a Nevadan were out riding their horses.
The Texan pulled out an expensive bottle of whiskey, took a long draught, then another, and then suddenly threw it into the air, pulled out his gun and shot the bottle in midair.
The Californian looked at the Texan and said, "What are you doing? That was a perfectly good bottle of whiskey!" The Texan replied, "In Texas, there's plenty of whiskey and bottles are cheap."
A while later, not wanting to be outdone, the Californian pulled out a bottle of champagne, took a few sips, threw the half full champagne bottle into the air, pulled out his gun, and shot it in midair.
The Nevadan couldn't believe this and said "What the heck did you do that for? That was an expensive bottle of champagne!" The Californian replied, "In California there is plenty of champagne and bottles are cheap."
A while later, the Nevadan pulled out a bottle of Sierra Nevada Pale Ale. He opened it, took a sip, took another sip, then chugged the rest. He then put the bottle back in his saddlebag, pulled out his gun, turned, and shot the Californian.
The shocked Texan said "Why in hell did you do that?!"
The Nevadan replied, "Well, in Nevada we have plenty of Californians and bottles are worth a nickel."
[ 11-21-2003, 08:04 PM: Message edited by: Paul Mayer ]
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-08-2002, 09:43 AM:
Rated G
Minnesota
1. I came, I thawed, I transferred...
2. Survive Minnesota and the rest of the World is easy.
3. If you love Minnesota, raise your right ski.
4. Minnesota-where visitors turn blue with envy.
5. Save a Minnesotan - Eat a mosquito.
6. One day it's warm, the rest of the year it's cold.
7. Minnesota - home of the blonde hair and blue ears.
8. Minnesota - mosquito supplier to the free world.
9. Minnesota - come fall in love with a Loon.
10. Land of many cultures - mostly throat.
11. Where the elite meet sleet.
12. Minnesota: Closed for glacier repairs.
13. Land of 2 seasons: Winter is coming, Winter is here.
14. Minnesota - glove it or leave it.
15. Minnesota - have you jump started your kid today?
16. There are only 3 things you can grow in Minnesota: Colder,
Older and Fatter.
17. Many are cold, but few are frozen.
18. Why Minnesota? To protect Ontario from Iowa!
19. Warning: You are entering Minnesota, Please use an alternate route!
20. Minnesota: Theater of sneezes.
21. Jack Frost must like Minnesota, he spends half his life here.
22. Land of 10,000 Petersons.
23. Land of ski and home of the crazed.
24. Minnesota, home of the Mispi - Mispp - Missipsp (Where the
darn river starts!)
25. 10,000 lakes and no sharks!
[ 01-14-2003, 02:56 PM: Message edited by: Bob Maar ]
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-12-2002, 05:59 PM:
Rated G Sue Bee
SIGNS THE MOB IS OPERATING IN IOWA...
Helga's Cafe downtown has added mostaccioli to the menu.
An 'insurance consultant' stopped by. He told you need fire
'protection' for your prize bull.
Some guy named Guido won this year's apple-pie eating contest at the fair.
You didn't use 'union' tractor operators, and now there's a cow's head in your bed.
The new Alfalfa Queen wasn't much in the Talent or Swimsuit contests,
but she won the new Facial Hair competition going away...
You notice the new bank president has a chauffeur, a big guy wearing a white tie... It's Guido!
You missed a payment on your jumbo, air-conditionedtractor. The bank's late payment notice has a cartoon of a guy with a big smile, holding a baseball bat...
You know everyone in town, and can't figure out why so many visitors ask you for directions to Don somebody's place.
A guest from out of town will speak at the Grange tonight.
Subject: 'Poppies - Cash Crop for the New Millennium.
Posted by Paul Mayer (Member # 355) on 11-14-2002, 05:24 PM:
From when I lived in Oklahoma City (Bethany actually), rated G Q: What's the best thing to come out of Oklahoma?
A: I-40.
Q: Where's the best view of Oklahoma City?
A: In your rear view mirror.
Q: Why do Texans wear their hats with the brims curled up on the sides?
A: So they can fit three in a pickup truck.
Q: How do you compliment the looks of a pretty Oklahoma girl?
A: Say "nice tooth."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-24-2002, 02:57 AM:
Rated G ![[eyes]](graemlins/eyes.gif)
Becky
Texas Pride...
"Son," said a Texan to his little boy, "I just overheard you asking that new neighbor what state he was from. Now, you should never ask somebody that question. If he's from Texas, he'll tell you. And if he isn't, you shouldn't embarrass him." ![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-25-2002, 03:21 PM:
Rated G ![[Eek!]](eek.gif)
BAD DRIVERS ARE EVERYWHERE!
How To Tell Where A Driver Is From!
1. One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: CHICAGO
2. One hand on wheel, one finger out window: NEW YORK
3. One hand on wheel, one finger out window, cutting across all lanes
of traffic: NEW JERSEY
4. One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on
accelerator: BOSTON
5. One hand on wheel, one hand on nonfat double decaf cappuccino,
cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator, gun in lap: LOS ANGELES
6. Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in
terror: OHIO, but driving in CALIFORNIA
7. Waving everyone that you pass, eating a moon pie, sipping an RC,
smiling and chewing and talking to yourself. TENNESSEE
8. One hand on 12 oz. Double shot latte, one knee on wheel, cradling
cell phone, foot on brake, mind on radio game, banging head on
steering wheel while stuck in traffic: SEATTLE
9. One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between
both feet being on the accelerator and both feet on brake, throwing
McDonald's bag out the window: TEXAS
10. Four-wheel drive pick-up truck, shotgun mounted in rear window,
beer cans on floor, squirrel tails attached to antenna: ALABAMA
11. Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above
windshield, driving 35 on the Interstate in the left lane with the
left blinker on: FLORIDA
12. Knee up against steering wheel, one hand on coffee
cup, cell phone in ear, accelerator to the floor, applying
makeup/doing crossword puzzle/reading morning Free Press,
knocking down orange barrels, changing lanes without turn signals:
MICHIGAN
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-28-2002, 08:03 AM:
Rated PG ![[Smile]](smile.gif)
State Mottos
Alabama: Hell Yes, We Have Electricity
Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong!
Arizona: But It's A Dry Heat
Arkansas: Literacy Ain't Everything
California: By 30,Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda
Colorado: If You Don't Ski,Don't Bother
Connecticut:Like Massachusetts,Only The Kennedy's Don't Own It-Yet
Delaware: We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water
Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids
Georgia: We Put The "Fun" In Fundamentalist Extremism
Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death To Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money)
Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes...Well Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes SureAre Real Good
Illinois: Please Don't Pronounce the "S"
Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free
Iowa: We Do Amazing Things With Corn
Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States
Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names
Louisiana: We're Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign
Maine: We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster
Maryland: If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It
Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's (For Most Tax Brackets)
Michigan: First Line Of Defense From The Canadians
Minnesota: 10,000 Lakes... And 10,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes
Mississippi: Come And Feel Better About Your Own State
Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work
Montana: Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber, Right-Wing Crazies, And Very Little Else
Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest
Nevada: Hookers and Poker!
New Hampshire: Go Away And Leave Us Alone
New Jersey: You Want A ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here!
New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent pets
New York: You Have The Right To Remain Silent, You Have The Right To An Attorney....
North Carolina: Tobacco Is A Vegetable
North Dakota: We Really Are One Of The 50 States!
Ohio: At Least We're Not Michigan
Oklahoma: Like The Play, Only No Singing
Oregon: Spotted Owl... It's What's For Dinner
Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal
Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island
South Carolina: Remember The Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender
South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota
Tennessee: The Educashun State
Texas: Si' Hablo Ing'les
Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus
Vermont: Yep
Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?
Washington: Help! We're Overrun By Nerds And Slackers!
Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor?
West Virginia: One Big Happy Family... Really!
Wisconsin: Come Cut The Cheese
Wyoming: Where Men Are Men... and the sheep are scared
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-28-2002, 08:23 AM:
Rated G
Survivor, Texas-Style
Network TV is reported to be developing a "Texas version" of
"Survivor,"the recent popular TV show.
Contestants must travel from Amarillo through Fort Worth, Dallas, Houston, San Antonio and back to Amarillo, through San Marcos and Lubbock.Each will be driving a Volvo with a bumper sticker that reads:"I'm for Gore,I'm gay,and I'm here to take your guns."
The first contestant to complete the round trip is the winner.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-03-2002, 06:47 PM:
G MICHIGAN
You know you are a true Michigander (Yooper) when:
1. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor on the highway.
2. "Vacation" means going down south past Petosky or Green Bay for the weekend.
3. You measure distance in hours.
4. You know several people who have hit deer more than once!
5. You often switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day and back
again.
6. Your whole family wears hushpuppies & blue & gold shirts to
church on Sunday & they yell Go Blue at the end of every prayer.
7. You can drive 65 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard, without flinching.
8. You see people wearing hunting clothes at social events.
9. You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.
10. You think of the major food groups as beer, fish, and venison.
11. You carry jumper cables in your car & your girlfriend knows
how to use them.
12. There are seven empty cars running in the parking lot at the Farm Fleet at any given time.
13. You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a
snowsuit.
14. Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are
filled with snow.
15. You refer to the Wolverines as "we."
16. You know! All 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still
winter and road construction.
17. You can identify an Ohio and Wisconsin accent.
18. You have no problem spelling Escanaba.
19. You consider the lower Peninsula exotic. ya hey!
20. You don't have a coughing fit from one sip of Stroh's.
21. Your idea of creative landscaping is a statue of a cow next
to your blue spruce.
22. You were unaware that there is a legal drinking age.
23. Down south to you means south of Da bridge, the deep south is south of Toledo.
24. A brat is something you eat.
25. Your neighbor throws a party to celebrate his new machine
shed.
26. You go out to fish fry every Friday at the Elks, Moose or
VFW.
27. You know how to polka.
28. Your 4th of July picnic was moved indoors due to frost.
29. You have more miles on your snow blower than your car.
30. You find 0 degrees "a little chilly."
31. Ya actch'lly understand dese jokes, & den ! you forward dem
to all yer Michigander friends
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-04-2002, 01:53 PM:
Rated PG Visitor's Guide To Louisville, Kentucky
1. You must learn to pronounce the city name. "It's Loo-vull."
2. Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. Louisville has
it's own. The truck with the loudest exhaust goes next at a 4-way
stop. The truck with the biggest tires goes after that. (Blue
haired ladies have the right of way at all times.).
3. To find anything it is required that you know where the "Old
Sears Building" is.
4. If you actually stop at a yellow light, "YOU WILL", be rear
ended, cussed out and possibly shot.
5. The morning rush hour is from 6:00 to 10:00, evening rush hour
from 3:00 to 7:00. Friday's rush hour starts on Thursday morning.
6. You must know that "Jefferson Freeway", Gene Snyder Freeway",
"I-265", and "State Road 841" are the same road.
7, Construction is a permanent fixture in Louisville, the barrels
are moved around during the night to make the next days driving
more exiciting.
8. Watch very carefully for road hazards such as deer, skunks,
dogs, barrels,cones, pot holes, cats, pieces of other cars,
opposum, raccoons, squirrels, and crows or vultures feeding on the
above items.
9. If someone actually has their turn signal on, wave them to the
side of the road to let them know that it has been accidently
activated.
10. The minimum acceptable speed on the "Gene Snyder Freeway" (see
above) is 85mph, anything less is considered downright sissy. This
is Kentucky's version of NASCAR.
11. Never honk at anyone. Ever. Seriously.
12. If you are in the left lane and only going 70 in a 55 zone, you
are considered a road hazard and will be "flipped off" accordingly.
13. Ground clearance of at least 12 inches is recommended for city
driving.
14.If it's 100 degrees, Thanksgiving must be next weekend.
15. If it's 10 degrees and sleeting, the Kentucky Derby Festival is
going on.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-08-2002, 11:57 AM:
Rated PG Alaska
Jon lived in Anchorage, Alaska. Right downtown. His house was literally right downtown. But he had no indoor plumbing. He did, however, have an outhouse. The older he got, though, the further away it seemed to get.
One night, he decided to just skip the trip. Instead, hedecided to just relieve himself right there off the front porch.
His wife was pretty pissed about his decision."Jon, you moron.Our neighbors can see you when you do this,you know."
He'd not given THAT scenario much thought, so he promised his wife he'd not do it again.
Not too many nights later, though, it turned bitterly cold. Right in the middle of the night he had to piss like a race horse. He got up, put on his slippers, and headed out of the bedroom to do his business.
He was back in two shakes (so to speak). His wife, suspicious as wives are apt to be, said, "You weren't gone very long."
"That's right."
"You went off the porch again, didn't you?"
"Yes, I did."
"We had a talk about this, remember? The neighbors could see you, right. They'll know it was you and what you're doing out there."
"Naw, they won't know it's me! This time I was squatting down!" ![[Embarrassed]](redface.gif)
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-13-2002, 07:41 AM:
Rated PG ![[Frown]](frown.gif)
INTER-STATE
4 guys are driving cross-country together -- one from Idaho, one from Nebraska, one from Florida, and the last one is from New York.
A bit down the road the man from Idaho starts to pull potatoes from his bag and throws them out the window.
The man from Iowa turns to him and asks, "What the hell are you doing?"
The man from Idaho says, "Man, we have so many of these damned things in Idaho they're laying around on the ground-I'm sick of looking at them!"
A few miles down the road, the man from Nebraska begins pulling husks of corn from his bag and throwing them out the window.
The man from Florida asks "What are you doing that for?"
The Nebraskan replies, "Man, we have so many of these damned things in Nebraska I'm sick of looking at them!"
Inspired by the others, the man from Florida opens the car door and pushes the New Yorker out.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-16-2002, 09:22 AM:
Rated PG TEXAS SIZE
A Texan went to Chicago and thought he would buy a new "city" outfit.
He went into Marshall Fields and, when asked by a sweet young woman if she could help him, he answered,"Yes ma'am.Ya see,I'm from Texas and I want to buy a complete city outfit."
Her eyes lit up as she asked, "Where would you like to start?"
"Well, ma'am, how about a suit?"
"Yes sir. What size?"
"Size 53 tall, ma'am."
"Wow, that's really big."
"Yes ma'am, they really grow them big in Texas."
"What's next?" she asked.
He replied, "How about some shoes?"
"What size?"
"Size 15 double E."
"Wow, that's really big!"
"Yes ma'am. They really grow them big in Texas."
"What's next?"
"Well, I reckon I'll need a shirt."
"Yes sir. What size?"
"Nineteen and a half neck, sleeves 38," he replied.
"Wow, that's really big!"
"Yes ma'am. They really grow them big in Texas."
"Will there be anything else?" she asked.
"Yes ma'am. I spect I'll need a hat."
"Yes sir. What size?"
"Eight and five-eighths."
"Wow, that's really big!"
"Yes ma'am. They really grow them big in Texas."
She virtually glowed as she asked, "Is there anything else I can do for you?"
"No ma'am , I reckon that will be all."
As the sweet young thing tallied up his bill,and as the Texan counted out his money, she blushed and asked,"Sir,could I ask you a question?"
"Yes ma'am,I already know what it is.And the answer is four inches."
Astonished, she blurted out,"Why, my boyfriend is bigger than that!"
Without so much as a stutter,the Texan replied,"From the floor,ma'am?"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-21-2002, 10:32 AM:
Rated G TEXAS
Howdy, Ya'll, I'm From TEXAS!
When you're from Texas, people that you meet ask you questions
like, "Do you have any cows?" "Do you have horses?" "Bet you got a
bunch of guns, eh?" They all want to know if you've been to Southfork. They watched Dallas.
Have you ever looked at a map of the world? Look at Texas with me
just for a second. That picture, with the Panhandle and the Gulf
Coast, and the Red River and the Rio Grande is as much a part of
you as anything ever will be. As soon as anyone anywhere in the
world looks at it they know what it is. It's Texas.
Pick any kid off the street in Japan and draw him a picture of Texas in the dirt and he'll know what it is. What happens if I show you a picture of any other state? You'll get it maybe after a second, but who else would? Even if you do, does it ever stir any feelings in you?
In every man, woman and child on this little rock the Good Lord put us on, there is a person who wishes just once he could be a real live Texan and get up on a horse or ride in a pickup. There is some bit of Texas in everyone. Did you ever hear anyone in a bar go, "Wow...so you're from Iowa? Cool, tell me about it?" Do you know why? Because there's no place like Texas.
Texas is the Alamo. Texas is 183 men standing in a church, facing
thousands of Mexican nationals, fighting for freedom, who had the
chance to walk out and save themselves, but stayed instead to fight and die for the cause of freedom.
We send our kids to schools named William B. Travis and James Bowie and Davy Crockett and do you know why? Because those men a line in the sand and they decided to cross it and be heroes. John Wayne paid to do the movie himself. That is the Spirit of Texas.
Texas is Sam Houston capturing Santa Ana at San Jacinto.
Texas is Juneteenth and Texas Independence Day.
Texas is huge forests of Piney Woods like the Davy Crockett National Forest.
Texas is breathtaking mountains in Big Bend.
Texas is shiny skyscrapers in Houston and Dallas.
Texas is world record bass from places like Lake Fork.
Texas is Mexican food like nowhere in the world, even Mexico.
Texas is the Fort Worth Stockyards. County Fairs, and the Bass Hall.
Texas is larger-than-life legends like Willie Nelson, George Strait, and Buddy Holly, Earl Campbell and Nolan Ryan, Denton Cooley and Michael DeBakey, Sam Rayburn and Lyndon B. Johnson, George Bush, and George W. Bush.
Texas is great companies like Dell Computer and Compaq.
Texas is huge herds of cattle and miles of crops.
Texas is skies blackened with doves and fields full of deer and quail.
Texas is a place where cities shut down for the Cowboys on Monday
Night Football,the NIOSA River Parade in San Antonio, the Neches
River Parade in Beaumont, and to celebrate the birthday of the Father of our country, George Washington, for a whole week in Laredo.
Texas is ocean and beaches, deserts, lakes and rivers, mountains
and prairies, and modern cities full of southern hospitality.
Texas is beautiful sunsets, fields full of bluebonnets and wildflowers in the Spring ,cactus and tumble weeds that dance among the oil and gas fields.
If it isn't in Texas, you don't need it.
No one does anything bigger or better than it's done in Texas and is understood in both English and Spanish.
By federal law, Texas is the only state in the U.S. that can fly its flag at the same height as the U.S. flag.
Think about that for a second. You fly the Stars and Stripes at 20
feet in Maryland, or California, or Maine, and your state flag,
whatever it is, goes at 17.
You fly the Stars and Stripes in front of Pine Tree High in
Longview at 20 feet, the Lone Star flies at the same height - 20 feet. Do you know why?
Because we place being a Texan as high as being an American down here.
Our capitol, in Austin, is the only one in the country that is taller than the capitol building in Washington, D.C.
We included these things in as part of the deal when we came on. That's the best part right there. WHEN WE CAME ON.
Texas was its own country. The Republic of Texas.
Every time I think of that I tear up. It makes you proud to be a
God -fearing Texan!!
A test to see if you are REALLY a Texan!
If you are a REAL TEXAN, ...
1. You measure distance in minutes.
2. You've had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day.
3. Stores don't have bags; they have sacks.
4. Stores don't have shopping carts; they have buggies.
5. You see a car running in the parking lot at the store with no
one in it no matter what time of the year.
6. You use "fix" as a verb. Example: I am fixing' to go to the
store.
7. All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit,
vegetable, flower, or animal.
8. You install security lights on your house and garage and leave
both unlocked.
9. You carry jumper cables in your car ... for your OWN car.
10. You know what "cow tipping" and "snipe-hunting" are.
11. You only own four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco
12. You think everyone from a bigger city has an accent.
13. You think sexy lingerie is a tee shirt and boxer shorts.
14. The local papers covers national and international news on one
page but requires 6 pages for football.
15. You think that the first day of deer season is a national holiday.
16. You know which leaves make good toilet paper.
17. You find 95 degrees F "a little warm."
18. You know all four seasons: Almost Summer, Summer, Still Summer, and Christmas.
19. You know whether another Texan is from southern, middle, or
northern Texas as soon as they open their mouth.
20. There is a Dairy Queen in every town with a population of 500 or more.
21. Going to Walmart is a favorite past-time known as "goin wal-martin" or off to "Wally World"
22. You describe the first cool snap (below 70 degrees) as good chili weather.
23. A carbonated soft drink isn't a soda, cola, or pop .... it's a Coke, regardless of brand or flavor.
24. You understand these jokes and forward them to your friends no
matter where they live in case they are planning to visit.
YEE HAW...I'M FROM TEXAS AND I'M PROUD OF IT!!!
A wise man once said, "Never ask a man where he's from; if he's
from Texas, he WILL tell you. If not, there's no need to embarrass
him!"...
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-23-2002, 08:31 AM:
Rated G HOW TO TELL IF YOU LIVE IN CALIFORNIA
You make over $250,000 a year and still can't afford a house.
It's drizzling outside, so you leave for work an hour early to avoid all the weather-related accidents.
Your child's third grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is named "Breeze".
You can't remember ... is pot legal?
You've been to a baby shower for an infant who has two mothers and a sperm donor.
You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans must be grown, and you can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian beans.
You know which restaurant serves the freshest arugula.
You can't remember... is pot legal?
A great parking space can move you to tears.
The guy in line at Starbucks wearing the baseball cap, sunglasses, and looking like George Clooney really IS George Clooney.
Your car insurance costs as much as your rent.
Your hairdresser is straight, your plumber is gay, and your Mary Kay rep is a guy in drag.
It's sprinkling out, and there's a report on every news channel about "STORM WATCH 2001"
Hey... is pot legal?
Over 85% of the cities, towns, and streets start with San, Los, El, La, Santa, De La, or De Los.
You whine when there are 2 overcast days in a row.
A family of 6 owns 4 vehicles, 2 of which are SUVs.
Even if the store is across the street, you drive there. If you live in southern California, it will take you 30 minutes to get there.
Everyone knows that hurricanes, tornadoes, floods and snowstorms are way worse than earthquakes, which are over almost as soon as you realize what's happening.
Yeah, you're sure... pot is legal.
You know the answer to this riddle:
How many Californians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
(Answer: It doesn't matter. Californians can't afford to turn on the lights anyway.)
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-26-2002, 08:51 AM:
Rated G Kansas
WHY I LOVE KANSAS
When it's Christmas time in Kansas,
And the gentle breezes blow,
About seventy miles an hour
And it's fifty-two below.
You can tell you're in Kansas,
'Cause the snow's up to your butt,
And you take a breath of Christmas air
And your nose holes both freeze shut.
The weather here is wonderful,
So I guess I'll hang around;
I could NEVER leave Kansas now,
My feet are frozen to the ground.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-26-2002, 09:01 AM:
Rated G FLORIDA
Floridian Bumper Stickers
If you think we can't vote, wait till you see us drive.
Home of electile dysfunction.
We count more than you do.
If you don't like the way we count then take I-95 and visit one
of the
other 56 states.
Relax, Retire, ReVote.
What comes after 17,311?
Where your vote counts and counts and counts.
This is what you get for taking Elian away from us.
We don't just cheat in football.
We're number one! Wait! Recount!
And, in Palm Beach County:
So nice, we let you vote twice.
We put the "duh" in Florida
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-09-2003, 11:58 AM:
Rated G Wyoming Crazy Law
You may not take a picture of a rabbit during the month of June.
It is illegal to wear a hat that obstructs people's view in a public theater or place of amusement.
It is illegal for women to stand within five feet of a bar while drinking.
Cheyenne
Citizens may not take showers on Wednesdays.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-09-2003, 12:03 PM:
Rated G .......................Wisconsin Crazy Law
Dumb Wisconsin Laws
At one time, margarine was illegal.
As people used to smuggle it in from Illinois, all yellow butter substitute is banned.
You must manually flush all urinals in a building.
While all cheese making requires a license, Limburger cheese making requires a master cheese maker's license.
Whenever two trains meet at an intersection of said tracks, neither shall proceed until the other has.
State Law made it illegal to serve apple pie in public restaurants without cheese.
Citizens may not murder their enemies.
It is illegal to cut a woman's hair.
It is illegal to kiss on a train.
Butter substitutes are not allowed to be served in state prisons.
Car dealerships cannot sell cars on Sunday.
Connersville
No man shall shoot of a gun while his female partner is having a sexual orgasm.
Kenosha
No male is allowed to be in a state of arousal in public.
La Crosse
You cannot "worry a squirrel."
It is illegal to display an unclothed mannequin in a store window.
It is illegal to tie up your horse along Third Street (Now a major bar strip).
It is illegal to play checkers in public.
Milwaukee
If one is thought of as offensive looking, it is illegal for him to be in public during the day.
An old ordinance forbids parking for over two hours unless a horse is tied to the car.
It is against the law to play a flute and drums on the streets to attract attention.
It is illegal to purchase or use Sparklers in the city, yet you can buy fully disassembled automatic machine guns.
Racine
Women may not walk down a public street at night without being accompanied by a man.
It is illegal to wake a fireman when he is asleep.
St. Croix
Women are not allowed to wear anything red in public.
[ 01-28-2003, 12:20 PM: Message edited by: Bob Maar ]
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-09-2003, 12:08 PM:
Rated G ................................West Virginia Laws
If you wear a hat inside a theater, you may be fined.
Roadkill may be taken home for supper.
No children may attend school with their breath smelling of "wild onions."
Doctors and dentists may not place a woman under anesthesia unless a third person is present.
It is illegal to snooze on a train.
According to the state constitution, it is unlawful for anyone to own a red or a black flag.
When a railroad passes within 1 mile of a community of 100 or more people in it, they must build a station and stop there regularly to pick up and drop off passengers.
Whistling underwater is prohibited.
Alderson
One may not walk a lion, tiger or leopard, even on a leash.
Nicholas County
No member of the clergy is allowed to tell jokes or humorous stories from the pulpit during a church service.
Huntington
Firemen may not whistle or flirt at any woman passing a firehouse.
It is legal to beat your wife so long as it is done in public on Sunday, on the courthouse steps.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-09-2003, 04:27 PM:
Rated G ......... WASHINGTON STATE LAWS
All lollipops are banned.
A law to reduce crime states: "It is mandatory for a motorist with criminal intentions to stop at the city limits and telephone the chief of police as he is entering the town."
Why does this law exist?
It is illegal to paint polka dots on the American flag.
People may not buy a mattress on Sunday.
All motor vehicles must be preceded by a man carrying a red flag (daytime) or a red lantern (nighttime) fifty feet in front of said vehicle.
It is illegal to pretend that one's parents are rich.
You are not allowed to breastfeed in public. (Repealed)
One may not spit on a bus.
When two trains come to a crossing,neither shall go until the other has passed.
You cannot buy meat of any kind on Sunday.
It is illegal to attach a vending machine to a utility pole without prior consent from the utility company. Furthermore, if permission is granted, the vending machine may not be less than twelve feet from the ground.
No person may walk about in public if he or she has the common cold.
Destroying a beer cask or bottle of another is illegal.
It is illegal to entice girls away from the Maple Lane School for girls.
X-rays may not be used to fit shoes.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-09-2003, 04:43 PM:
Rated G VIRGINIA DUMB STATE LAWS
No animal may be hunted for on Sunday with the exception of raccoons, which may be hunted until 2:00 AM.
Not only is it illegal to have sex with the lights on, one may not have sex in any position other than missionary.
There is a state law prohibiting "corrupt practices of bribery by any person other than candidates."
You may not engage in business on Sundays, with the exception of almost every industry.
If one is not married,it is illegal for him to have sexual relations.
You may not have oral or anal sex.
Driving while not wearing shoes is prohibited.
Police radar detectors are illegal.
Citizens must honk their horn while passing other cars.
Children are not to go trick-or-treating on Halloween.
It is illegal to tickle women.
CITY LAWS
Culpeper
No one may wash a mule on the sidewalk.
Dayton
A person of color may not be oustide or within the city limits after 7 pm.
Frederick
Any person who owns a pool risks a $2500 fine for not closing the gate to the pool when they get done swimming in it.
A special license is required for persons wishing to sell such items as tableware and coins.
Lebanon
It is illegal to kick your wife out of bed.
Norfolk
Spitting on a sea gull is not tolerated.
A man may face 60 days in jail for patting a woman's derriere.
Women must wear a corsette after sundown and be in the company of male chaperone.
Prince William County]/B]
No person may keep a skunk as a pet.
It is illegal to cuss about another.
It is illegal to park a car on railroad tracks.
[B]Richmond
It is illegal to flip a coin in a restaurant to see who pays for a coffee.
Stafford County
It is legal for a man to beat his wife on the courthouse steps so long as it is before 8:00 pm.
Victoria
It is illegal to skate down the sidewalk of Main Street.
Virginia Beach
If you are drunk and not driving your car,and the person who is driving the car is drunk as well,you may both receive DUI's.
It is illegal for a person to ride on the handlebars of a bike.
It is illegal to use profanity on Atlantic Avenue or the boardwalk.
It is also unlawful to drive by the same place within 30 minutes on Atlantic Avenue.
[B]Waynesboro[B]
It is illegal for a woman to drive a car up Main Street unless her husband is walking in front of the car waving a red flag. (Repealed)
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-10-2003, 09:12 AM:
Rated G VERMONT
Women must obtain written permission from their husbands to wear false teeth.
At one time it was illegal to tie a giraffe to a telephone pole.
Whistling underwater is illegal
It is illegal to deny the existence of God.
Barre
All residents shall bathe every Saturday night.
[ 01-14-2003, 02:54 PM: Message edited by: Bob Maar ]
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-10-2003, 09:20 AM:
Rated G UTAH DUMB LAWS
Alcohol may not be sold during an emergency.
Individuals may not possess beer in containers larger than two liters unless they are a retailer.
Boxing matches that allow biting are not allowed.
It is illegal to cause a catastrophe.
It is against the law to fish from horseback.
It is illegal not to drink milk.
It is illegal to detonate any nuclear weapon.You can have them, but you just can't detonate them.
Birds have the right of way on all highways.
A husband is responsible for every criminal act committed by his wife while she is in his presence.
You're not allowed to sell beverages containing more than 3.2 alcohol.
It is a felony to persistently tread on the cracks between paving stones on the sidewalk of a state highway.
It's legal for restaurants to serve wine with meals, but only if you ask for the wine list.
It is considered an offense to hunt whales.
No one may have sex in the back of an ambulance if it is responding to an emergency call.
Cities and Towns
Kaysville
You must have identification to enter a convienence store after dark.
Logan
Women may not swear.
Monroe
Daylight must be visible between partners on a dance floor.
Provo
Throwing snowballs will result in a $50 fine.
Salt Lake County
No one may walk down the street carrying a paper bag containing a violin.
Auctions may not be advertised by hiring trombone players to play on the street.
Tremonton
It is illegal to have sex in a moving ambulance and if you are caught the guy is let go and the woman is punished and her name appears in the newspaper.
Trout Creek
Pharmacists may not sell gunpowder to cure headaches.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-10-2003, 02:17 PM:
Rated G TEXAS WOMEN
An acquaintance of mine whose daughter was about to be married decided to give her a diamond ring that had been in the family for several generations.The stone had never been appraised,so the father asked a gemologist friend if she would take a look at it.She agreed, but said that instead of a fee she'd accept lunch at one of Houston's finer restaurants.
A few days later, as he and the gem expert sat sipping a glass of Chablis, he showed her the ring.She took out her jeweler's loupe, examined the diamond carefully and handed it back.
"Wow," said a diner who had been watching from the next table."These Texas women are tough!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-13-2003, 08:13 AM:
Rated G Rhode Island Dumb Law's
State
It is illegal to challenge someone to a duel, or accept a duel, even it it is never actually fought. Penalty: Imprisonment for one to seven years.
Riding a horse over any public highway for the purpose of racing, or testing the speed of the horse is illegal. Penalty: Maximum $20 fine and imprisonment for 10 days.
Exercising any labor, business, or work, or using any game, sport, play, or recreation, or causing any of the above to be done to or by your children, servants, or apprentices on the first day of the week (Sunday) results in a penalty of $5 for the first offense and $10 for the second.
It is illegal to coast downhill in your car with your transmission in neutral, or with the clutch disengaged.
Impersonating a town sealer, auctioneer, corder of wood, or a fence-viewer is against the law. Penalty: $20 to $100 fine.
It is illegal to place a windmill within twenty-five (25) rods of any traveled street or road.
It is considered an offense to throw pickle juice on a trolley.
Rhode Island recently applied to the US Government to make all the coastal waters of Rhode Island a "No Discharge Zone". The ostensible purpose was to prohibit the discharge of sewage by boats into the state's waters. However, discharge of raw sewage into the state waters was already illegal. What the "No Discharge Zone" actually did was make it illegal to discharge TREATED sewage from a boat into state waters. What now happens is that boats (whose treatment systems far outperform municipal sewage treatment plants) are now required to disable their sewage treatment systems, and carry their sewage to a shore-based facility, which then dumps the partially treated sewage back into Rhode Island's coastal waters.
Professional sports, except ice polo and hockey, must obtain a license to play games on Sunday.
Any marriage where either of the parties is an idiot or lunatic is null and void. -SECTION 11-40-1
Newport
You cannot smoke a pipe after sunset.
Providence
There is not an appeals process for exemtion of property tax due to a disability or poverty.
It is illegal to wear transparent clothing.
You may not sell toothpaste and a toothbrush to the same customer on a Sunday.
West Warwick
It is illegal to use water on even-numbered days for the sole purpose of watering plants, gardens, or lawns. If you break this law there is a fine of $25-$100.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-14-2003, 02:28 PM:
Rated G Dumb Laws Pennsylvania
It is contrary to Pennsylvania law to discharge a gun, cannon, revolver or other explosive weapon at a wedding.
It is illegal to have over 16 women live in a house together because that constitutes a brothel. However up to 120 men can live together, without breaking the law.
It it illegal to sleep on top of a refrigerator outdoors.
Any motorist driving along a country road at night must stop every mile and send up a rocket signal,wait 10 minutes for the road to be cleared of livestock,and continue.
A special cleaning ordinance bans housewives from hiding dirt and dust under a rug in a dwelling.
You may not sing in the bathtub.
Fireworks stores may not sell fireworks to Pennsylvania residents.
A person is not eligible to become Governor if he/she has participated in a duel.
Any motorist who sights a team of horses coming toward him must pull well off the road, cover his car with a blanket or canvas that blends with the countryside, and let the horses pass. If the horses appear skittish, the motorist must take his car apart, piece by piece, and hide it under the nearest bushes.
Ministers are forbidden from performing marriages when either the bride or groom is drunk.
No more than two packages of beer at a time may be purchased, unless you are buying from an official "beer distributor".
All liquor stores must be run by the state.
Motorized vehicles are not to be sold on Sundays.
You may not catch a fish with your hands.
You may not catch a fish by any body part except the mouth.
Dynamite is not to be used to catch fish.
Though you do not need a fishing license to fish on your own land, but a hunting license is required to hunt on your own land.
Allentown
There is a ban on men becoming aroused in public.
Bensalem
Operators of bingo games may not advertise the prizes offered.
Persons convicted of felonies may not operate Bingo games.
Carlisle
In the middle of town, one must pay a fee of $50 dollars a year to park on a particular block. At night, however, the cars must be moved for street cleaning. This law is enforced even if snow or ice prevents the cars from being moved.
Connellsville
One's pants may be worn no lower than five inches below the waist.
Danville
All fire hydrants must be checked one hour before all fires.
Millville
The sale of alcohol is prohibited.
One may not shoot any dog that is found wandering the streets.
Morrisville
It is required that a woman have a permit to wear cosmetics.
Newtown
Every outlet or switch (which can be purchased for 59 cents) that is installed requires an electrical inspection fee of 1 dollar and 33 cents.
Pittsburgh
No one is allowed to sleep on a refrigerator.
It is still illegal to bring a donkey or a mule onto a trolley car.
Ridley Park
You cannot walk backwards eating peanuts in front of the Barnstormers Auditorium during a performance.
Tarentum
Horses are not to be tied to parking meters
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-14-2003, 02:39 PM:
Rated G Dumb Laws Oregon
Dishes must drip dry.
The "Peer Review Statute" prohibits you from finding out details of any written or oral discussion about your medical treatment. Not even a court of law can. All you can access is what the doctor or nurse voluntarily records in your chart.
It is illegal to whisper "dirty" things in your lover's ear during sex.
Ice cream may not be eaten on Sundays.
It is illegal to buy or sell marijuana, but it is legal to smoke it on your own property.
One may not bathe without wearing "suitable clothing," i.e., that which covers one's body from neck to knee.
Canned corn is not to be used as bait for fishing.
Beaverton
You must buy a $10 permit to be allowed to install a burglar alarm.
Eugene
It is illegal to show movies or attend a car race on Sundays.
It is legal to conduct a horse race or a symphony concert.
Hood River
Juggling is strictly prohibited without a license.
Klamath River
It's illegal to walk down a sidewalk and knock a snakes head off with your cane.
Marion
Ministers are forbidden from eating garlic or onions before delivering a sermon.
Myrtle Creek
One may not box with a kangaroo.
Portland
No one may attempt to cause someone to think that their property may be subjected to "offensive physical contact".
Minors may not enter a room where a "social game" is being played.
Trucks may not be parked on the street.
Riders of sleds may not attach themselves to passing cars.
Persons may not pass through a "traffic congestion thoroughfare" more than twice per night.
It's against the law for a wedding ceremony to be performed at a skating rink.
People may not whistle underwater.
You cannot wear roller skates in restrooms.
Salem
Women may not wrestle in Salem.
Springfield
It is illegal to own a reptile within the city limits, unless you are a school or city, as a pet.
Stanfield
It is against the law for animals to have sex in the city limits.
Cloth towel dispensers are banned from restrooms.
No more than two people may share a single drink.
Yamhill
It is illegal to predict the future.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-14-2003, 02:50 PM:
Rated G Dumb Laws Colorado
One may not mutilate a rock in a state park.
Car dealers may not show cars on a Sunday.
It is illegal for liquor stores to sell food or grocery stores to sell any alcohol except beer that is at most 3.2% alcohol.
No liquor may be sold on Sundays or election days.
It is illegal to ride a horse while under the influence.
Tags may be ripped off of pillows and mattresses.
Alamosa
Throwing missles at cars is illegal.
Keeping a house where unmarried persons are allowed to have sex is prohibited.
To own a dog over three months of age, one must obtain a license.
Persons may not urinate in public.
Arvada
Establishments which sell alcohol must have enough lighting to read text inside them.
Colorado Springs
It is permissable to wear a holstered six-gun within city limits, except on Sunday, Election Day, or holidays.
Cripple Creek
It is illegal to bring your horse or pack mule above the ground floor of any building.
Denver
The dog catcher must notify dogs of impounding by posting, for three consecutive days, a notice on a tree in the city park and along a public road running through said park.
It is unlawful to lend your vacuum cleaner to your next-door
neighbor.
You may not drive a black car on Sundays.
It is illegal to mistreat rats in Denver, Colorado.
Durango
It is illegal to go in public dressed in clothes "unbecoming" on one's sex.
Logan County
It is illegal for a man to kiss a woman while she is asleep.
Louisville
Residents may not own chickens, but may own up to three turkeys.
Pueblo
It is illegal to let a dandelion grow within the city limits.
Sterling
Cats may not run loose without having been fit with a taillight.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-14-2003, 03:04 PM:
Rated G ALABAMA DUMB LAWS
It is illegal for a driver to be blindfolded while operating a vehicle.
Dominoes may not be played on Sunday.
It is illegal to wear a fake moustache that causes laughter in church.
Putting salt on a railroad track may be punishable by death.
Boogers may not be flicked into the wind.
It is legal to drive the wrong way down a one-way street if you have a lantern attached to the front of your automobile.
You must have windshield wipers on your car.
You may not have an ice cream cone in your back pocket at any time.
Masks may not be worn in public.
Men may not spit in front of the opposite sex.
Women are able to retain all property they owned prior to marriage in the case of divorce. However, this provision does not apply to men.
Children of incestuous couples are deemed legitimate.
Interracial couples may not marry. (Repealed)
Pool halls may not be operated between 11:30 PM and 6 AM.
No billiard hall may operate a trap-door to a place where persons gather for "immoral purposes".
No persons may sell "blow-out nuts".
It is illegal to stake a horse on a highway.
Hunting is not allowed on Sunday.
Sex toys are banned throughout the state.
Anniston
You may not wear blue jeans down Noble Street.
Huntsville
If an animal control officer is in uniform, it signifies to the public that he is an animal control officer.
Jasper
It is illegal for a husband to beat his wife with a stick larger than the diameter of his thumb.
Lee County
It is illegal to sell peanuts in Lee County after sundown on Wednesday.
Mobile
It is illegal to howl at ladies within the city limits.
It is unlawful to wear women's pumps with sharp, high heels.
Why does this law exist?
Montgomery
It is considered an offense to open an umbrella on a street, for fear of spooking horses.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-15-2003, 07:36 AM:
Rated Crosses State Lines
That is the law
If a police officer in Coeur d'Alene, Idaho, suspects a couple is having sex inside a vehicle they must honk their horn three times, and wait two minutes before being allowed to approach the scene.
Women must address bachelors as master instead of mister, according to an Illinois state law.
A law in Oblong, Illinois makes it a crime to make love while fishing or hunting on your wedding day.
A law in Fairbanks, Alaska, does not allow moose to have sex on city streets.
In Ventura County, California, cats and dogs are not allowed to have sex without a permit.
Clinton, Oklahoma, has a law against masturbating while watching two people having sex in a car.
In Willowdale, Oregon, no man may curse while having sex with his wife.
In Harrisburg, Pennsylvania it is illegal to have sex with a truck driver inside a toll booth.
Hotels in Sioux Falls, South Dakota, are required by law to furnish their rooms with twin beds only. There should be a minimum of two feet between the beds, and it is illegal for a couple to make love on the floor between the beds.
In Kingsville, Texas, there is a law against two pigs having sex on the city's airport property.
A Tremonton, Utah law states that no woman is allowed to have sex with a man while riding in an ambulance. In addition to normal charges, the woman's name will be published in the local newspaper. The man does not receive any punishment.
No woman may go in public without wearing a corset in Norfolk, Virginia.
In the state of Washington there is a law against having sex with a virgin under any circumstances. (including the wedding night)
The only acceptable sexual position in Washington D.C. is the missionary-style position. Any other sexual position is considered illegal.
In Florida it is illegal for single, divorced, or widowed women to parachute on Sunday afternoons.
In Ames, Iowa a husband may not take more than three gulps of beer while lying in bed with his wife.
A law in Alexandria, Minnesota makes it illegal for a husband to make love to his wife if his breath smells like garlic, onions, or sardines.
In Bozeman, Montana, you can't perform any sexual acts in the front yard of any home, after sundown, and if you are nude.
A Helena, Montana law states that a woman cannot dance on a saloon table unless her clothing weighs more than three pounds, two ounces.
Hotel owners in Hastings, Nebraska are required by law to provide a clean, white cotton nightshirt to each guest. According to the law, no couple may have sex unless they are wearing the nightshirts.
Any couple making out inside a vehicle, and accidentally sounding the horn during their lustful act, may be taken to jail according to a Liberty Corner, New Jersey law.
During lunch breaks in Carlsbad, New Mexico, no couple should engage in a sexual act while parked in their vehicle, unless their car has curtains.
In Nevada sex without a condom is considered illegal.
In Cleveland, Ohio women are not allowed to wear patent-leather shoes.
In Connorsville, Wisconsin no man shall shoot of a gun while his female partner is having a sexual orgasm. ![[beer]](graemlins/beer.gif)
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-15-2003, 09:10 AM:
Rated G Los Angeles California
... GREATER LOS ANGELES AREA DRIVER'S LICENSE APPLICATION:
Name: ____________________
Stage name: __________________________
Agent's Name: __________________________
Attorney's Name: _______________________
Actual Age: _____ Admitted Age: _____
Sex: [ ] male [ ] female
[ ] formerly male [ ] formerly female
[ ] both [ ] neither
If female, indicate breast implant size: _______
Will the size of your implants hinder your ability to safely operate a motor vehicle in any way?
Yes [ ] No [ ]
Occupation:
[ ] Lawyer
[ ] Actor/Waiter
[ ] Film-maker/Self-employed
[ ] Writer
[ ] Car Dealer
[ ] Pan-handler
[ ] Agent
[ ] Hooker/Transvestite
[ ] Other; please explain: ___________________________
Please list brand of cell phone: ________________________
(If you don't own a cell phone, please explain.)
Please check hair color:
Females: [ ] Blonde [ ] Platinum Blonde
Teenagers: [ ] Purple [ ] Blue [ ] Skin-head
Men: Please list shade of hair plugs ________________
Please indicate if you have Automobile Insurance:
[ ] Yes [ ] No
If Yes, please explain:
Please check activities you perform while driving (Check all that apply):
[ ] Eating a wrap
[ ] Applying make-up
[ ] Talking on the phone
[ ] Slapping kids in the back seat
[ ] Applying cellulite treatment to thighs
[ ] Tanning
[X] Snorting cocaine (already checked for ease of application)
[ ] Watching TV
[ ] Reading Variety
[ ] Surfing the net via laptop
[ ] Reading a book or other Newspaper
Please indicate how many times:
a) you expect to shoot at other drivers, _____
b) and how many times you expect to be shot at while driving ___.
If you are the victim of a car-jacking, you should immediately:
a) [ ] Call the police to report the crime;
b) [ ] Call Channel 4 News to report the crime, then watch your TV;
c) [ ] Call your attorney and discuss lawsuit against cellular phone company for 911 call not going through;
d) [ ] Call your therapist;
e) [ ] None of the above (South Central residents only).
Please indicate if you drive:
a) [ ] a BMW,
b) [ ] a Lexus,
c) [ ] a Mercedes,
d) [ ] a Cabriolet.
If your answer is d, please add 6 to 8 weeks to normal delivery time for your driver's license.
In the event of an earthquake, should you:
a) [ ] stop your car
b) [ ] keep driving and hope for the best,
c) [ ] immediately use your cell phone to call all loved ones
d) [ ] pull out your video camera and obtain footage for Channel?
In the instance of rain, you should:
a) [ ] never drive over 5 MPH,
b) [ ] drive twice as fast as usual, or
c) [ ] you're not sure what "rain" is.
Please indicate number of therapy sessions per week: ____.
Are you presently taking any of the following medications?
(Check all that apply.)
a) [ ] Prozac;
b) [ ] Zovirax;
c) [ ] Lithium;
d) [ ] Zanax.
If none, please explain: __________________.
Length of daily commute:
a) [ ] 1 hour;
b) [ ] 2 hours;
c) [ ] 3 hours;
d) [ ] 4 hours or more.
If under 1 hour, please explain:
When stopped by police, should you
a) [ ] pull over and have your driver's license and insurance form
ready,
b) [ ] try to outrun them by driving the wrong way on the 405,
c) [ ] have video camera ready and provoke them to attack, thus ensuring yourself of a hefty lawsuit?
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-15-2003, 02:11 PM:
Rated G State Laws Massachusetts
At a wake, mourners may eat no more than three sandwiches.
Snoring is prohibited unless all bedroom windows are closed and securely locked.
An old ordinance declares goatees illegal unless you first pay a special license fee for the privilege of wearing one in public.
Taxi drivers are prohibited from making love in the front seat of their taxi during their shifts.
All men must carry a rifle to church on Sunday.
Hunting on Sundays is prohibited.
It is illegal to go to bed without first having a full bath.
A woman can not be on top in sexual activities.
No gorilla is allowed in the back seat of any car.
Tattooing and body piercing is illegal. (Repealed)
Children may smoke, but they may not purchase cigarettes.
Tomatoes may not be used in the production of clam chowder.
Quakers and witches are banned.
Bullets may not be used as currency.
Massachusetts liquor stores can only open on Sundays if they are in Berkshire, Essex, Franklin, Middlesex or Worcester counties and are within 10 miles of the Vermont or New Hampshire borders.
Alcoholic drink specials are illegal.
Public boxing matches are outlawed.
Shooting ranges may not set up targets that resemble human beings.
Boston
It is illegal to play the fiddle.
Two people may not kiss in front of a church.
No more than two baths may be taken within the confines of the city.
No one may cross the Boston Common without carrying a shotgun in case of bears.
Anyone may let their sheep and cows graze in the public gardens/commons at any time except Sundays.
It is illegal to eat peanuts in church.
An old law prohibits the taking of baths on Sunday.
Duels to the death permitted on the common on Sundays provided that the Governor is present.
Women may not wear heels over 3 inches in length while on the common.
No one may take a bath without a prescription.
It is illegal for any citizen to own more than three dogs.
Burlington
You may not walk around with a "drink".
Cambridge[/v]
It costs $50 extra for a permit for hurling, soccer or Gaelic football games in a public park on a Sunday.
[b]Hingham
You may not have colored lights on your house if it can be seen from Main Street. Only white lights may be visible.
If you live on Main Street and want to paint your house, the colors must be approved by the historical society.
Hopkinton
Though horses and cows are allowed on the common,dogs are prohibited.
Longmeadow
It is illegal for two men to carry a bathtub across the town green.
It is illegal to buy, sell or possess a squirt gun.
Silly string is illegal in the city limits.
One may not detonate a nuclear device in the city.
It is illegal for any citizen to own more than two dogs.
Milford
Peeping in the windows of automobiles is forbidden.
Nahant
Sleds may not be coasted down streets.
It is illegal to excavate any city street.
Newton
All families must be given a hog from the town's mayor.
North Andover
An ordinance prohibits the use of space guns.
Woburn
In bars, it is actually illegal to "walk around" with a beer in your hand.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-16-2003, 10:43 AM:
Rated G Mississippi Crazy Law
Vagrancy is punishable by either 30 days in prison or a $201 fine. -Sec. 97-35-37
Cattle rustling is punishable by hanging.
Horses are not to be housed within 50 feet of any road.
Columbus
The fine for waving a gun in public is higher than actually shooting it.
Oxford
Motor vehicles on the square are prohibited.
It is illegal to drive around the town square more than 100 times in a single session.
Horn honking is not permitted as it might scare horses.
One may not spit on the sidewalks on the square.
Tylertown
It is unlawful to shave in the center of main street.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-20-2003, 12:29 PM:
Rated G ...........Louisiana Crazy Law
It is illegal to gargle in public places.
It is illegal to rob a bank and then shoot at the bank teller with a water pistol.
Biting someone with your natural teeth is "simple assault," while biting someone with your false teeth is "aggravated assault."
New Orleans
It illegal for a woman to drive a car unless her husband is waving a flag in front of it.
You may not tie an alligator to a fire hydrant.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-20-2003, 12:35 PM:
Rated G ......... Michigan Crazy Law
You may not swear in front of women and children in the state of Michigan.
It is legal for a robber to file a law suit, if he or she got hurt in your house.
A woman isn't allowed to cut her own hair without her husband's permission.
Any person over the age of 12 may have a license for a handgun as long as he/she has not been convicted of a felony.
There is a 10 cent bounty for each rat's head brought into a town office.
Clawson
There is a law that makes it legal for a farmer to sleep with his pigs, cows, horses, goats, and chickens.
Detroit
Alligators may not be tied to fire hydrants.
It is illegal to let your pig run free in Detroit unless it has a ring in its nose. According to history and animal husbandry, it prevents them from "rooting" in the ground for their food.
Willfully destroying your old radio is prohibited.
It is illegal for a man to scowl at his wife on Sunday.
Grand Haven
No person shall throw an abandoned hoop skirt into any street or on any sidewalk, under penalty of a five- dollar fine for each offense.
Harper Woods
It is illegal to paint sparrows to sell them as parakeets.
Kalamazoo
It is against the law to serenade your girlfriend.
Rochester
All bathing suits must have been inspected by the head of police.
Soo
Smoking while in bed is illegal.
Wayland
Anyone can keep their cow on Main Street downtown at a cost of 3 cents per day.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-20-2003, 12:43 PM:
Rated G ..............Kansas Crazy Law
If two trains meet on the same track, neither shall proceed until the other has passed.
The state game rule prohibits the use of mules to hunt ducks.
Rabbits may not be shot from motorboats.
No one may catch fish with his bare hands.
Pedestrians crossing the highways at night must wear tail lights.
Dodge City
It is illegal to spit on a sidewalk.
All places of business must provide a horse water troft
Lawrence
No one may wear a bee in their hat.
All cars entering the city limits must first sound their horn to warn the horses of their arrival.
Russell
Musical car horns are banned
Salina
It is against the law to leave your car running unattended.
Topeka
The installation of bathtubs is prohibited.
Wichita
Any person caught using or carrying bean snappers or the like shall upon conviction, be fined. -City ordinance 349 of Wichita, Kansas.
Before proceeding through the interesection of Douglas and Broadway, a motorist is required to get out of their vehice and fire three shot gun rounds into the air.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-27-2003, 07:42 AM:
Rated G :)Tex Mostly + Bob (1 paragraph) can you find it?
God Bless Texas
The following list of rules apply to each person as they enter
Texas:
Know them and learn them.
1. Pull your droopy pants up. You look like an idiot.
2. Let's get this straight, it's called a 'gravel road'. I drive a
pickup truck because I need to. No matter how slow you drive,
you're going to get dust on your Lexus. Drive it or get out of
the way.
3. They are pigs, cattle, and oil wells. That's what they smell
like to you. They smell like money to us. Don't like it? I-20 and
I-10 go east and west; I-35 and I-45 go north and south. Pick one.
4. So you have a sixty thousand dollar car. We're real impressed.
We have quarter-million dollar cotton strippers that we drive 3
weeks a year.
5. So every person in every pickup waves. It's called being
friendly. Try to understand the concept.
6. We all started hunting and fishing when we were 9 years old.
Yeah, we saw "Bambi", too. We got over it.
7. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of doves are coming in,we will shoot it out of your hand.You better hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.
8. Yeah,we eat catfish and crawdads.You really want sushi and
caviar?It's available at the corner bait shop.
9. The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season.It's a
religious holiday held the closest Saturday to the first of
November.
10. Any references to "corn fed" when talking about our women will get you jack-slapped by our women.
11. We open doors for women.That applies to everyone regardless
of age.
12. No,there's no "Vegetarian Special" on the menu.Order steak.
Order it rare.Or,you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off
the 2 pounds of ham and turkey.
13. When we fill out a table there are three main dishes: meats,
vegetables,and breads. We use three spices :salt,pepper,and
Tabasco sauce.
14. You bring "Coke" into my house it better be brown,wet, served over ice and plenty of it!You bring "Hooch" into my house,it better have 4 legs,a tail,and have a nose for quail, dove,duck,veal,or pheasant.You bring "Mary Jane" to my house she better be cute,know how to shoot,drive a truck,and have long hair.
15. Yeah,we have sweet tea.It comes in a glass with 2 packets of
sugar,some lemon,and a long spoon.
16. High School Football is as important here as the Lakers and
the Knicks,and a dang site more fun to watch.
17. Yeah,we have golf courses.Don't hit in the water hazards?
it spooks the fish.
18. Colleges? Try UT,Texas Tech,or Texas A&M.They come outta
there with an education and a love for God and Country, and they
still wave at passing pickups when they come home for the
holidays.
19. We have more Navy,Army,Marines,and Air Force than any
other state.So,"Don't Mess With Texas".If you do, you will get
your butt kicked by the best!
20. Our military is only used as a back up.Per capita, each man,
woman,and child own at least 2 firearms and has taken a NRA
Certified Shooter Education Course.
21. Mr.Chuck Norris is an has been granted "Honorary Citizenship for his worderful portrayal of "Ranger Cordell Walker" on the hit TV Show Texas Ranger. Everyone who lives in Texas, loves Mr. Norris, and will not permit his name to be taken in vain. Get use to it!
22. Also, remember what Governor Sam Houston once said,"Texas
can make it without the United States,but the United States
can't make it without Texas."
God Bless Texas and the people of paragraph 21
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-28-2003, 01:06 PM:
Rated R ...pianolady..... OKLAHOMA
Due to the popularity of the Survivor shows, Oklahoma isplanning to do its own, entitled "Survivor-Oklahoma Style".
The contestants will start in Tahlequah, travel to Tulsa, going west on 51 thru Hulbert, proceed to Coweta, get on the Broken Arrow by-pass exit on memorial, go south thru Bixby continue south on hwy 64 thru Lenord and big bear country then continue thru Haskell to hwy 16 on into Muskogee taking hwy 62 back into Tahlequah again and park in front of Neds place.
Each will be driving a pink Volvo with a bumper sticker that reads I am gay, I am a vegetarian, I voted for Al Gore, George Strait sucks, Hillary in 2004, protect our fish and deer, and I am here to confiscate your guns".
The first one to make it back to Tahlequah alive wins.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-29-2003, 01:27 PM:
Rated G Texas & Nevada or Brad & Dennis
A www.film-tech.com joke
You got a...
A man named Brad from Texas in a Volkswagen Beetle pulls up next to a guy in a Rolls Royce with Nevada plates (Dennis} at a stop sign. Their windows are open and he yells at the guy in the Rolls: "Hey, you got a telephone in that Rolls?"
The guy in the Rolls says, "Yes, of course I do."
"I got one too... see?"
"Uh, huh, yes, that's very nice."
"You got a fax machine?"
"Why, actually, yes, I do."
"I do too! See? It's right here!"
"Uh-huh."
The light is just about to turn green and the guy in the Volkswagen says, "So, do you have a double bed in back there?"
And the guy in the Rolls says, "NO! Do you?"
"Yep, got my double bed right in back here see?"
The light turns and Brad in the Volkswagen takes off. Well, the Dennis the Rolls is not about to be one-upped, so he goes immediately to a customizing shop and orders them to put a double bed in back of his car.
About two weeks later, the job is finally done and he picks up his car and drives all over town looking for the Volkswagen beetle with the Texas plates. He finally finds it parked alongside the road so he pulls his Rolls up next to it.
The windows on the Volkswagen are all fogged up and he feels a little awkward about it, but he gets out of his newly modified Rolls and taps on the foggy window of the Volkswagen.
Brad in the Volkswagen finally opens the window a crack and peeks out.
The guy in the Rolls says, "Hey. Remember me?"
"Yeah, yeah, I remember you.
What's up?"
"Check this out... I got a double bed installed in my Rolls."
And Brad in the Volkswagen says, "YOU GOT ME OUT OF THE SHOWER TO TELL ME THAT?!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-29-2003, 02:52 PM:
Rated G The Dakotas
Let me give you an example of how cold it gets in the Dakotas.
The termites don't even have to chew.
They just lean forward while their teeth are chattering.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-31-2003, 03:56 PM:
Rated G Received from: Tex
Subj: Texas Women
Texas women know bad manners when they see them:
~~~~~~Not sending thank you notes.
~~~~~~Velvet after February.
~~~~~~White shoes before Easter or after Labor Day.
Texas women appreciate their natural assets:
~~~~~~Clean skin.
~~~~~~A winning smile.
~~~~~~That unforgettable, Texas twang.
Texas women know their manners:
~~~~~~ "Yes, ma'am."
~~~~~~ "Yes, sir."
~~~~~~ "No, thank-you"
Texas women have a distinct way with fond
expressions:
------------"Y'all come back!"
------------"Well, bless your heart.."
------------"Drop by when you can."
------------"Love your hair."
Texas women know their summer weather
report:
------------Hot
------------Hotter
------------Hotter than Hades
Texas women know their three R's:
$$$$$$$ Rich
$$$$$$$ Richer
$$$$$$$ Richest
Texas women know their vacation spots:
++++++Colorado
++++++Las Vegas
++++++any place that has a/c
Texas women know the joys of June, July,
and August:
======Summer tans
======Wide brimmed hats
======Adorable sandals
Texas women know everybody's first name:
*********Honey
*********Darlin'
*********Sugah
Texas women know the movies that speak to
their hearts:
-----------Fried Green Tomatoes
-----------Driving Miss Daisy
-----------Steel Magnolias
Texas women know their country breakfasts:
~~~~~~Fried eggs
~~~~~~Country ham
~~~~~~Mouth-watering homemade biscuits
Texas women know their p's & q's
----------"P"ecan pie (pronounced "puh con"
not pee-can)
----------"P"ralines
----------"P"unch to "Quench" the thirst
Texas women know their cities dripping with
Texas charm:
--------- Dallas
--------- Austin
--------- San Antone (That's San Antonio for
out-of-stater's)
Texas women know their elegant gentlemen:
---------Men in Wranglers.
---------Men in uniform.
---------Men in tuxedos.
Texas girls know their prime real estate:
++++The Mall
++++The Beauty Salon
++++The Country Club
Texas girls know the three deadly sins:
~~~~Bad hair
~~~~Bad manners
~~~~Bad Dancers
Now you run along,Sugah,and send this to some other girls who were raised in Texas or wish they had been.If you're a male,you hug that Texas woman of yours and say "I'm a lucky man" 3 times out loud.If you're a transplant,FAKE it....we know you got here as fast as you could.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-08-2003, 08:24 PM:
Rated G Lorraine - Kansas
Out in Kansas,tornadoes often hit with sudden devastation,and
without warning.
In one case,a house was completely whisked away,leaving only the foundation and first floor.
A silver-haired farm lady was seen sitting dazed,in a bathtub,
the only remaining part of the house left above the floor.
The rescue squad rushed to her aid and found her unhurt.She was just sitting there in the tub,talking to herself.
"It was the most amazing thing ... it was the most amazing thing."
she kept repeating dazedly.
"What was the most amazing thing, Ma'am?"asked one of the
rescuers.
"I was visiting my daughter here, taking a bath, and all I did was pull the plug and dog-gone-it if the whole house didn't suddenly drain away."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-08-2003, 09:31 PM:
Rated PG Michele
NORTH CAROLINA STATE LEGISLATURE HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES
HB 370.1
A Bill To Regulate The Hunting And Harvesting Of Attorneys
Principal Provisions
Any person with a valid rodent or rattlesnake hunting license may also hunt and harvest attorneys for recreational and sporting.
(noncommercial) purposes.
Taking of attorneys with traps or dead falls is permitted.The use of currency as bait is,however,prohibited.
The willful killing of attorneys with a motor vehicle is
prohibited,unless such vehicle is an ambulance being driven in
reverse.If an attorney is accidentally struck by a motor vehicle,the dead attorney should be removed to the roadside,and the vehicle should proceed to the nearest car wash.
It is unlawful to chase,herd or harvest attorneys from a power
boat,helicopter or aircraft.
It is unlawful to shout"WHIPLASH","AMBULANCE",or"FREE SCOTCH"
for the purpose of trapping attorneys.
It is unlawful to hunt attorneys within 100 meters of BMW,
Mercedes,or Porsche dealerships,except on Wednesday afternoon
It is unlawful to hunt attorneys within 200 meters of courtrooms,law libraries,health clubs,country clubs,hospitals or golf courses.
If an attorney gains elective office,it is not necessary to have
a license to hunt,trap or possess the same.
It is unlawful for a hunter to wear a disguise as a reporter,
accident victim,physician,chiropractor,or tax accountant for
the purpose of hunting attorneys.
Bag Limits Per Day:
Yellowbellied Sidewinders: 2
Two-faced Tortfeasors: 1
Backstabbing Divorce Litigators: 3
Horn-rimmed Cutthroats: 2
Minutiae-advocating Chickens: 4
Honest Attorneys: 0 (Protected, Endangered species.)
[ 04-01-2003, 12:02 PM: Message edited by: Bob Maar ]
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-10-2003, 12:37 PM:
Rated G ....TEXAS
A cattleman from West Texas died and went on to the Great Beyond.
As he approached the great gate,he noticed that the terrain was
bare with no greenery.He remarked to the gate keeper,"Howdy
Saint Peter. Say, this looks just like Texas."
"The gatekeeper replied,"First of all,I'm not Saint Peter...
and second,you really don't know where you are at all,do you?"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-10-2003, 04:56 PM:
Rated G CWTR
When someone from West Texas tells ya that they had a 5 inch
rain, they don't mean the total quantity of rainfall.
They're referring to how far apart the drops were.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-10-2003, 05:19 PM:
Rated X .........Baby Blues
Galveston, Texas Story
A young woman in the sleazy part of the old Galveston Strand
was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing
herself into the harbor. She went down to the docks and was aboutto leap into the frigid water when a handsome young sailor saw hertottering on the edge of the pier, crying.
He took pity on her and said, "Look, you have so much to live
for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."
The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose?
Perhaps a fresh start in Europe would give her life new meaning.
That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a
lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her three
sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love
until dawn.
Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was
discovered by the captain. "What are you doing here?" the
captain asked.
"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained.
"I get food and a trip to Europe, and because I have no money, I have sex with him."
" Lady, I think you are getting screwed on this deal ,"the captain said."This is the Bolivar Ferry."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-21-2003, 12:33 PM:
Rated G TEXAS
A guy goes into a Texas bar all dejected, and orders a drink.
The barkeep says, "Here, you look down. It's on the house if
you'll tell me your story."
"Okay," the guy says in a heavy Mexican accent."Ess like theese:
I jused to be an inspector for the Mexican Navy."
"Really!" the barkeep says, surprised. "I didn't know Mexico had
a Navy."
"Oh, chure," the inspector says.
"So, what did you inspect?"
"Submarines."
"What did you have to do?"
"Well," the inspector says, taking a big drink. "I get into the
submarine with all the other guys in the Navy and I say,'Take it down to 100 feet!'"
"And what happens?"
"Then I go around and check for leaks. Then I say, 'Take it down to 200 feet!'"
"And then what happens?"
"Then I go around and check for leaks again. And if everything
goes well, I say, 'Take it down to a thousand feet!'"
"And then what happens?"
The Mexican inspector shakes his head sadly. "Then those damn
adobe walls just fall apart!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-23-2003, 02:33 PM:
Rated G Kansas
There was once a general store in central Kansas back around
1900. The owner was an elderly man who went to church for a long
time. The store always had those two or three "older gentlemen"
that you always see on the front porch talking about "the war" or how it used to be.
Anyway, this certain storeowner had the habit of quoting Scripture every time he made a transaction, and it was always a different verse.It got to where the old men on the porch came in every time a customer showed up just to hear what the verse was going to be.
Well,one day,a Texan came in andinquired about the rug that was hanging on the wall. The man asked about the price of the rug, and the owner told him $400.
But,the owner and the old men all knew that the true worth was
about $200.So the Texan thought it over and said,"I'll take it!"
He bought the rug and left the store.
The old men stared at the owner in anticipation of what possible Scripture could follow such a dishonest act.
The owner said, "He was a stranger, and I took him in."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-01-2003, 11:49 AM:
Rated G North Carolina Jokes
North Carolina: Tobacco Is A Vegetable
2000 Federal Census for North Carolina
Last name: ________________
First name: (Check appropriate box)
(_) Billy-Bob
(_) Billy-Joe
(_) Billy-Ray
(_) Billy-Sue
(_) Billy-Mae
(_) Billy-Jack
What does everyone call you?
(_) Booger
(_) Bubba
(_) Junior
(_) Sissy
(_) Other___________________
Age: ____ (if unsure, guess)
Sex:
____ M
_____ F
_____ Not sure
Shoe Size:
____ Left
____ Right
Occupation: (Check appropriate box)
(_) Farmer
(_) Mechanic
(_) Hair Dresser
(_) Unemployed
(_) Dirty Politician
(_) Preacher
Spouse's Name:_________________________
2nd Spouse's Name:_____________________
3rd Spouse's Name:_____________________
Lover's Name:__________________________
Relationship with spouse: (Check appropriate box)
(_) Sister
(_) Brother
(_) Aunt
(_) Uncle
(_) Cousin
(_) Mother
(_) Father
(_) Son
(_) Daughter
(_) Pet
Number of children living in household: _____
Number of children living in shed: ______
Number that are yours: ______
Mother's Name: _______________________
(If not sure, leave blank)
Father's Name: _______________________
(If not sure, leave blank)
Education: 1 2 3 4
(Circle highest grade completed)
Do you
(_) own or
(_) rent your mobile home? (Check appropriate box)
Total number of vehicles you own: ___
Number of vehicles that still crank: ___
Number of vehicles in front yard: ___
Number of vehicles in back yard: ___
Number of vehicles on cement blocks: ___
Firearms you own and where you keep them:
____ truck
____ bedroom
____ bathroom
____ kitchen
____ shed
Model and year of your pickup: 196___
Do you have a gun rack?
(_) Yes
(_) No; If no, please explain:
Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
(_) The National Enquirer
(_) The Globe
(_) TV Guide
(_) Soap Opera Digest
(_) Rifle and Shotgun
Number of times you've seen a UFO:_____
Number of times in the last 5 years you've seen Elvis:_____
Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO:_____
How often do you bathe:
(_) Weekly
(_) Monthly
(_) Not Applicable
Color of eyes:
Left______
Right_____
Color of hair:
(_) Blond
(_) Black
(_) Red
(_) Brown
(_) White
(_) Clairol
Color of teeth:
(_) Yellow
(_) Brownish-Yellow
(_) Brown
(_) Black
(_) N/A
Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:
(_)Red-Man
How far is your home from a paved road?
(_) 1 mile
(_) 2 miles
(_) just a whoop-and-a-holler
(_) road?
Dumb North Carolina Laws
It's against the law to sing off key.
Elephants may not be used to plow cotton fields.
If a man and a woman who aren't married go to a hotel/motel and register themselves as married then, according to state law, they are legally married.
All couples staying overnight in a hotel must have a room with double beds that are at least two feet apart. Making love in the space between the beds is strictly forbidden.
A marriage can be declared void if either of the two persons is physically impotent.
Barber
Fights between cats and dogs are prohibited.
Chapel Hill
It is a misdemeanor to urinate or defecate publicly.
Charlotte
Women must have their bodies covered by at least 16 yards of cloth at all times.
Elon College
There is to be no rollerblading during daylight hours, on the roads, or on the bricks. All the sidewalks at this college are made of brick. (Repealed in 1998)
Forest City
You must stop and call City Hall before entering town in an automobile. This is so the townspeople will have time to go out and hold their horses until you get through town.
Greensboro
Restaurants "with on sidewalk dining" must post their menu so that it is clearly readable from the sidewalk, but is not readable from the street.
Hornytown
Massage parlors have been banned.
Kill Devil Hills
You may not ride a bicycle without having both your hands on the handle bars.
Rocky Mount
It is required that you must pay a property tax on your dog.
Southern Shores
It is against the law to rollerblade on a state highway
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-01-2003, 12:09 PM:
Rated G Wyoming Crazy Law
You may not take a picture of a rabbit during the month of June.
It is illegal to wear a hat that obstructs people's view in a public theater or place of amusement.
It is illegal for women to stand within five feet of a bar while drinking.
Cheyenne
Citizens may not take showers on Wednesdays.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-08-2003, 02:28 PM:
Rated Janine.......UTAH
In Utah a judge found that it is illegal to grab your crotch in public.
In a related story, Major LeagueBaseball has decided not to put any teams in the state of Utah.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-09-2003, 10:46 AM:
Rated G Maryland
Because of budgetary constraints,the City of Baltimore in
Maryland has stopped the tradition of giving people a "Key to the City."
These days, they just send a guy over and he shows ya how to pick the lock.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-09-2003, 10:48 AM:
Rated G New York
New Yorker's are a breed apart.A man was mugged but had no cash. Afraid he'd be hurt,he offered to write the guy a check.The
mugger said dumbfounded,"A Check? Why would I take a check from
you?I don't even know you!"
[ 04-29-2003, 07:08 AM: Message edited by: Bob Maar ]
Posted by Paul Mayer (Member # 355) on 04-18-2003, 01:10 AM:
Rated G Las Vegas, NEVADA
Forwarded from Dave Huskinson--I like it.
1. First, it's pronounced LOSS-VAYGUS. It doesn't matter how they say it in other places.
2. Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. Las Vegas has it's own set of traffic rules. There's no book about them. All you can do is get in your car and hope you survive to learn them.
3. All directions start with, "Go down 95 ...'cause you don't want to get on 15."
4. Las Vegas Blvd, Charleston, and Torrey Pines have no beginning and no end.
5. It's impossible to go around a block and wind up on the same street that you started on. The Chamber of Commerce calls this a "scenic drive".
6. The 8:00am rush hour is from 4:30am to 11:30am. The 5:00pm rush hour is from 11:30am to 10:15pm. Friday's rush hour starts on Thursday morning and ends sometime late Sunday night.
7. If you actually stop at a yellow light, then you cannot be from Las Vegas. You may only apply your brakes when the end of a yellow light and the beginning of the red light create a "pumpkin-orange" hue.
8. If you like being an individual, don't even think of working for a casino. You'll be branded like cattle and made to walk all over town with your "Gaming Tag" around the collar of your white shirt or clipped on to your belt loop of your black tuxedo pants. 98% of the people within a 200 mile radius work for a casino. When someone says "Steve Wynn", casino employees are trained to face the Strip, hit their knees, kneel, and say "Praise Steve" three times.
9. Just remember that Camino Al Norte is Martin Luther King Blvd, Boulder Highway is Fremont Street, Eastern Ave is 25th Street or Civic Center Drive, Spring Mountain/Sands/Twain are all the same street. Don't try to figure it out. Just accept it. If you question the intelligence behind this naming convention, people will simply tilt their heads to the right and stare at you.
9A. Henderson is the only place in the world where THREE "parallel" streets intersect at one traffic light. That would be the 4-way of GreenValley Parkway/Eastern Avenue/Maryland Parkway. For laughs ask your middle school geometry teacher to try to explain it.
9B. Rainbow Blvd has THREE exits from 95, this just makes giving driving directions to newbies more entertaining. There is also a Lake Mead "Drive" and a Lake Mead "Boulevard" and both run east/west but are 30 miles apart. And they both intersect 95. You have to be specific when you say "the corner of Lake Mead and......". Again this is just another way to harass the 5000 newcomers every month.
9C. Many major roads just end abruptly at a house/Home Depot/casino/McCarran International Airport runways and start again after the interruption--that was done to encourage you to "see the sights" and meet new people. Just try to take Harmon Avenue from Rainbow to Nellis.
10. If moisture is determined to be rain, not sweat, all traffic must immediately cease. Ditto for daylight savings time, girl applying eye-shadow across the street, or a flat tire 3 lanes over. Do not attempt to access any road after an apocalyptic event like snow, blowing dust, or a 3-day weekend.
11. Construction on I-15 and US 95 is a way of life and a permanent form of entertainment. I-215 will never be completed. Get used to it!
12. Stay away from the corner of Nellis and Las Vegas Blvd if you do not like the thought of being in a remake of the movie "Top Gun".
13. And yes, we all know that's a man in a teddy and a tiara on Fremont Street. His name is Leslie and he probably makes more money than you do.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-29-2003, 07:06 AM:
Rated G Montana
The Potato Garden
An old man lived alone in Idaho. He wanted to spade his potato garden, but it was very hard work.His only son, Bubba, who used to help him, was in prison.The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:
Dear Bubba,
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year.I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot.If you were here, all my troubles would be over.I know you would dig the plot for me.
Love,
Dad
A few days later he received a letter from his son:
Dear Dad,
For heaven's sake, dad, don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the BODIES.
Love,
Bubba
At 4A.M. the next morning, F.B.I. agents and local police showed up and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies.They apologized to the oldman and left.That same day the old man received another letter from his son.
Dear Dad,
Go ahead and plant the potatoes now.That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love,
Bubba.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 05-02-2003, 01:07 PM:
Rated G ALABAMA
There was an earthquake the other day in Alabama.
The only damage reported was the loss of 87 washing
machines and 93 sofas toppled from front porches.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 05-15-2003, 12:01 PM:
Rated G
New York State of Mind
Do you know why New Yorkers are always so depressed?
Because the light at the end of the tunnel is New Jersey.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 05-20-2003, 07:14 AM:
Rated G UTAH
In Utah a judge found that it is illegal to grab your crotch in public.In a related story, Major League Baseball has decided not to put any teams in the state of Utah.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-04-2003, 08:27 AM:
Rated G New Hampshire
New Hampshire tourism officials are scrambling to replace The Old Man of the Mountain,a natural rock formation of an old man,
which lent its image as a state symbol for years, and was the
most photographed object in the state.
They have hastily come up with a top ten list of contenders:
Top Ten Contenders for New Top Attraction in New Hampshire
10. "Babe," the Spray-Painted Ox
9. The Eternally Flaming Mountain of Tires
8. The Leaning Tower of Laconia
7. The University of New Hampshire Museum of Prepetual Motion
Machines("We never close! Get it?")
6. The Audio-Animatronic John Sununu
5. The Portsmouth Piggery
4. The "I Can See Ben and Jerry's From Here!" Chair Lift
3. The Worlds Smallest Globe
2. The New Manchester Wal-Mart
And the number one Contender for the New Top Attraction in New
Hampshire:
1. The Pile of Rubble That,If The Light Is Juuuust Right,And You
Squint A Bit,Looks Kind Of Like Wendell Wilkie.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-05-2003, 01:26 PM:
Rated PG TEXAS
He'd been up in New York recently for the Cowboys -New York game.He was having a drink in a bar when an attractive woman sat down next to him.
"Hello, honey," he said. "I'm Oliver from down around"
"Don't tell me," she smiled, laying a hand on his forearm.
"You're from Texas."
"How'd you know?" he asked.
"You called me 'honey', your name's Oliver, 'n you sure seem
tall sitting there on that bar stool"
"Well, you're right," he replied, "but I have to tell you I'm not really that tall - I'm just sitting on my wallet."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-06-2003, 03:18 PM:
Rated G TEXAS
Three cowboys were hanging out in the bunkhouse.[/b]
"I know that smart-alec Tex," said the first."He's going to start bragging about that new foreign car he bought as soon as he gets back."
"Not Tex," said the second."He'll always be just a good
ol' boy. When he walks in,I'm sure all he'll say is hello."
"I know Tex better than any of you," said the third.
"He's so smart,he'll figure out a way to do both.Here he comes
now!"
Tex swung open the bunkhouse door and shouted,"Audi, partners!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-10-2003, 09:31 AM:
Rated G ALABAMA
Did you hear about the guy from Alabama who passed away and
left his entire estate to his beloved widow, but she can't touch it 'til she's 14.
What do they call reruns of "Hee Haw" in Alabama? Documentaries.
Did you hear that the governor's mansion in Alabama burned down? Yep.Pert' near took out the whole trailer park. The library was a totalloss, too. Both books -- poof! -- up in flames and he hadn't evenfinished coloring one of them.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-10-2003, 09:32 AM:
Rated G WEST VIRGINIA
Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age in WestVirginia to 32? It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools!
A new law recently passed in West Virginia: When a couple gets divorced,they're STILL brother and sister.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-10-2003, 09:38 AM:
Rated G TENNESSEE
How do you know when you're staying in a Tennessee hotel? When you callthe front desk and say,"I gotta leak in my sink," and the front desk replies, "Go ahead."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-19-2003, 10:26 AM:
Rated G Obese Michigan Mommas...
How do you get a Michigan girl into an elevator?
Grease herhips and throw in a twinkie.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 07-22-2003, 07:12 AM:
Rated G California
Californians are a strange people.They'll put every chemical known to God and man up their nostrils,and then warn you for putting sugar in your coffee!
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 07-22-2003, 10:15 AM:
Rated PG TEXAS Michele
Hello my sex pot," breathed the obscene phone caller."I know you
are the hotest woman on the block.If you can guess what's in my
hand,I'll give you a piece of the action."
"Listen Mister," drawled the lil' ol' Texas lady, "If y'all can
hold it in one hand,I ain't the least bit interested."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 07-22-2003, 11:32 AM:
Rated G Wisconsin
Since moving to Wisconsin Rachel has convinced the Govenor to change the slogan of the license plates from: Wisconsin, The Dairy State to: Wisconsin, Come Smell Our Dairy Air.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 07-31-2003, 10:34 AM:
Rated G NEW YORK
Why are New Yorkers always depressed?
The light at the end of their tunnel is New Jersey.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 08-04-2003, 01:18 PM:
Rated G TEXAS
The worst air disaster in Texas history occurred today when a two-seater Cessna airplane,piloted by two Texas A&M students, crashed into a cemetery early this morning in College Station...
Aggie search and rescue workers have recovered 300 bodies so far and expect the number to climb as digging continues into this afternoon.
The pilot and co-pilot survived and are helping in the search.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 08-06-2003, 02:59 AM:
Rated G Oklahoma/Texas
A young man who left his home in Texas at an early age,finally purchased his own ranch in Oklahoma.He invited his father out for a visit,and took him on a tour of the property.Driving along in the son's pickup truck,a jack rabbit hopped onto the road in front of them.
The son stopped the truck to let the rabbit pass,and the father queried:"What in tarnation is that!?"
The son incredulously replied,"That's a jackrabbit,Dad,what did you think it was?"
The father shrugged and said,"We grow 'em a lot bigger back home in Texas."
So they went on and a little farther on they came to a few buffalo roaming the rangeThe son stopped the truck and the father again said in a puzzled tone,"What are those?"
The son hesitantly said,"Those are buffalo,Dad;you gotta be kiddin me,you really don't recognize them?"
The father replied,"Well,I guess they're kinda familiar -- it's just that we grow'em so much bigger back in Texas."
The son,a bit disgruntled,drove on in silence.At length they approached a low part in the road with marshy wetlands on either side.A large snapping turtle lumbered onto the road.
The father peered intently at the creature and said,"Now what the heck is that thing!?"
Without missing a beat,the son replied,"wood tick".
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 08-21-2003, 06:12 AM:
Rated G Michele
NEW REJECTED STATE MOTTOS
ALABAMA: Literacy ain't everything
Ya want fries with dat?
ALASKA: Come, freeze your butt off
ARIZONA: Winter home to 150,000 snowbirds
ARKANSAS: At least we're not Mississippi
CALIFORNIA: The Granola State
Nobody's actually from here
Fast reloading lanes available
The really long state
COLORADO: Too wimpy to cross the mountains
so we stopped here
Official home of the winter ski bunny
CONNECTICUT: Way too close to New York
DELAWARE: You'll need a map to find us
So close to Washington you can smell it
FLORIDA: The Gunshine State
Elephant Graveyard; where the old Republicans
go to die
Senior citizen discounts available
Come, enjoy the humidity!
The snow capital of the US
GEORGIA: Home of the Rednecks
Gateway to Florida
Confederate money welcome
HAWAII: Sure, we've got Interstates... drive on over
Book 'em Danno
Tom Selleck, Jack Lord, Don Ho - Paradise!
Come, get lai-ed
IDAHO: Ain't nothing here
We don't care if you spell potato with an "e"
Land of a billion "eyes"
ILLINOIS: Land of the voting dead
Gateway to Iowa
INDIANA: Home of David Letterman
IOWA: Just east of Omaha
It's easy to spell
KANSAS: Hayfever capital of the Midwest
Dole slept here
There's no place like home
Ya want flat, we got flat
KENTUCKY: Tobacco is a vegetable
We're all related
Gateway to Nashville
LOUISIANA: Swim the beautiful Bayou
Cancer Alley's just a name, and names will never hurt
you
MAINE: For Sale
You can spit on Canada from here
MARYLAND: If it weren't for Washington, you couldn't find us
MASSACHUSETTS: Home of the young girls from Nantucket,
also the home of Ted Kennedy, hmmmm...
MICHIGAN: Land of the free, home of the Buick
MINNESOTA: Not Sweden, but we try to act like it
Sure beats Canada
MISSISSIPPI: We're lucky we can spell it
Why would you want to come here?
MISSOURI: Gateway to Kansas
Here's mine, Show Me yours
We're better than Illinois
MONTANA: Land of the Big Sky, and very little else
We've got lots of 10'x10' shacks in the woods
It's where you're wanted
At least our cows are sane
NEBRASKA: More corn than Kansas
Go to Kansas, turn north
NEVADA: More weirdos than Alaska (warmer too)
2 words - Death Valley
3:5 you'll leave broke
We have our own nuclear testing site
NEW HAMPSHIRE: Like Old Hampshire, only newer
About as exciting as Vermont
NEW JERSEY: You have the right to remain silent, You have
the right to an attorney...
Tell 'em Guido sent ya
NEW MEXICO: Lizards make excellent pets
We have reservations
Alien Welcome Center - Roswell
NEW YORK: At least we're not New Jersey!
We're more than a big city; we're a state
Like we CARE about a motto
English spoken here; sometimes
NORTH CAROLINA: Five million people; Fifteen last names
We're bigger than South Carolina
NORTH DAKOTA: The OTHER South Dakota
OHIO: Don't judge us by Cleveland
Proud polluters of Lake Erie
We're easy to spell
OKLAHOMA: We're OK, you're NOT!
I don't think we're in Kansas anymore, Toto
OREGON: As pretty as California but not as weird
We're not named after a musical instrument
You can see the sunset from here
PENNSYLVANIA: Cook with coal
Free lube job with oil change
RHODE ISLAND: Size ain't everything
Nobody famous came from Rhode Island
SOUTH CAROLINA: Just south of North Carolina
SOUTH DAKOTA: Closer than North Dakota
TENNESSEE: The Educashun State
Thank goodness we've still got Elvis
A great fixer-upper
TEXAS: Si Hablo Ingles
See, EVERYTHING is bigger in Texas!
UTAH: Our Jesus is better than your Jesus
At least our sheep can't talk
VERMONT: Bet ya can't name 2 of our towns
VIRGINIA: Please don't confuse us with West Virginia!
WASHINGTON: We like our state, so STAY OUT!
WEST VIRGINIA: Where "family values" has a different meaning
WISCONSIN: Land of funny accents
Say "Cheeeese"
WYOMING: Where men are lonely and sheep are scared
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 08-25-2003, 10:17 AM:
Rated G TEXAS
The State of Texas has excuted yet another inmate. But unforseen legal issues have arisen. The state has killed so many people this year, it must now register as a tobacco company.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 09-04-2003, 07:28 AM:
Rated G James
Kentucky & Texas
A guy from Kentucky was bragging to a guy from Texas. He said they had enough gold in Fort Knox to build a wall six feet high around the entire State of Texas.
The guy from Texas thought about it for a minute and then replied, "tell you what, you build that wall, and if we like it, we'll buy it."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 09-11-2003, 02:20 PM:
Rated G California
Californians are a strange people.
They'll put every chemical known to God and man up their nostrils,and then warn you for putting sugar in your coffee!
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 09-21-2003, 10:51 PM:
Rated G TEXAS
A scientist from Texas A&M University has invented a bra that keeps women's breasts from jiggling and prevents the nipples from pushing through the fabric when cold weather sets in.
At a news conference announcing the invention,the scientist was taken outside by a large group of cowboys who kicked the shit out of him.
Posted by Gordon Bachlund (Member # 124) on 09-28-2003, 04:00 PM:
A lady was driving along a rural highway in a Southern state. As she neared the top of the bridge, she noticed a young man standing
near the edge of the bridge getting ready to jump. She stopped her car,
rolled down her window and said "Please don't jump, think of your Mom and
Dad".
He replied "My Mom and Dad are both dead, I'm gonna jump".
She said "Well think of your wife and kids".
He replied "I'm not married and don't have any kids".
She said "Well think of Robert E. Lee".
He replied "Who is Robert E. Lee?"
She replied "Well just go ahead and jump then you Damn’ Yankee!
Posted by Rachel Gilardi (Member # 1016) on 10-15-2003, 11:52 AM:
Rated G Massachusetts
Three men were traveling and happened to meet at a bar in Ohio. One man was from Texas, one from Florida, and one from Massachusetts. They got acquainted and started talking about their problems with their wives.
The guy from Texas began by saying "I told my wife clearly that from now on she would have to do all of the cooking. Well, the first day after I told her, I saw nothing. The second day I saw nothing, but on the third day when I came home from work, the table was set, and a wonderful dinner was prepared with wine and even dessert."
Then the man from Florida spoke up "I sat my wife down and told her, that from now on she would have to do all the grocery shopping and all of the house cleaning. The first day I saw nothing. The second day I saw nothing. But the third day, when I came home, the whole house was spotless, and in the pantry the shelves were filled with groceries."
The fellow from Massachusetts was married to a woman who had grown up in Massachusetts all her life. He sat up straight on the bar stool, pushed out his chest and said. "I gave my wife a stern look and told her that from now on she would have to do the cooking, shopping and house cleaning. Well, the first day I saw nothing. The second day I saw nothing. But by the third day, I could see a little bit out of my left eye."
You Gotta Love those Massachusetts Women!
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-20-2003, 12:54 PM:
Rated G Texas - Home of Cordell Walker
TEXAS TIDBITS[/b]
During a period of heavy sandstorms,a rancher visited his banker and applied for a loan.The banker warned him,"I'll have to come out and inspect the property first."
The rancher replied, "That won't be necessary. Here it comes now."
*****
A visitor to Amarillo asked a local rancher,"How do you stand the wind blowing every single day?"
The rancher said,"You just have to get used to it -- learn to
lean into it.In fact,one day last fall the wind stopped blowing all of a sudden,and all the cattle in the panhandle plumb fell over."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-13-2003, 12:44 PM:
Rated G Michele California
We here in California, who all you other states say that you are
not jealous of, but come here and never leave, should secede from the union and keep the Military and Naval Ports we have and create the great nation CALIFORNICUS.
Why, you ask?
Let's think about this.
Other states have fires and what do we do, we send our firefighters,and the military to help put those fires out. I.e.. Yosemite,Colorado,Arizona,Washington and Oregon.
Catastrophes, including Oklahoma City, 9/11 and even problems in other countries.Well we're sick of it.You can call us a bunch
of fruits and flakes, just another state of Mexico, or whatever
else you jealous bastards can think of. In the past,we received
help from Canada in the form of Air tankers and Helicopters to
help put out our fires and Nevada has sent out some trucks to help us.
For the rest of you, you are no longer on our Christmas Card
list.Get your passports and maybe we will let you in.What are
you going to do? Not send us food. Hahahaha We are the 5th
largest nation in GNP already.
Just to be on the safe side we will offer free trade with Canada, and free travel between Nevada, due to before mentioned help.All others prepare to pay the price for kicking us repeatedly while we were down.
And besides our governor may not be able to act, but he can kick
your ass.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-16-2003, 09:15 AM:
Rated G Lorraine
Rednecks in West Virginia ...
A guy from West Virginia passed away and left his entire estate to his beloved widow,but she can't touch it 'til she's 14.
How do you know when you're staying in a West Virginia hotel?
When you call the front desk and say,"I gotta leak in my sink,"
and the clerk replies,"go ahead."
How can you tell if a West Virginia redneck is married?
There's dried tobacco juice on both sides of his pickup truck.
Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age in
West Virginia to 32?
It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-21-2003, 11:11 AM:
Rated PG Texas
This just in from Texas:
A scientist from Texas University has invented a bra that keeps women's breasts from jiggling and prevents the nipples from pushing through the fabric when cold weather sets in.
At a news conference announcing the invention, the scientist was taken outside by a large group of cowboys and had the shit kicked out of him.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-21-2003, 11:42 AM:
Rated G Michele A Texan in New York
A Texan and his wife were on a trip to New York.She had just finished showering to dress for dinner and noticed that she had neglected to pack her bras. She asked her husband to go down to the dress shop in the lobby and pick up a couple of 36-C bras.
He said,"Ah'l go down raht now." So he put on his ten gallon hat and went to the shop.
The saleslady said,"May I help you sir?"
When he told her that he wanted two 36-C bras,she asked,"Would you like two Playtex?"
He answered,"Ah'd luv ta little lady,but mah wife's a'waitin fur me up in the room."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-21-2003, 12:08 PM:
Rated G Utah
There was this Utah Psychiatrist who decided that the majority of his patients had been sufficiently cured to allow them out of the ward, and to place them on an out-patient basis so that they could return to a somewhat normal life.
To get this off to a good start,he decided that having a party for the group would be the best way to give them some encouragement and self-confidence before releasing them,so he proceeded to set up a party for them at one of the local taverns.
The tavern owner was somewhat reluctant about holding a party for a bunch of loonies,but after some persuasion from the psychiatrist,decided to relent.
"Look," said the psychiatrist,"These are just basically a nice bunch of people.They are calm,polite,and will do well to have a good time."
"OK," said the tavern owner.
"Oh," said the psychiatrist,"There is one more thing.Don't be surprised if they decide to pay you in bottle caps. Just act like it's OK, and I will come by in the morning to pick up the tab."
The party went without a hitch,and the next morning,the psychiatrist appeared as he had promised.
"How did it go," he asked.
"Just great," replied the tavern owner."Actually they were a really great bunch of people. Very nice,very polite and well behaved.Funny thing,though,it was just like you said.They all paid me in bottle caps.You are going to pay me,aren't you."
"How much is it?" ask the psychiatrist.
"$257.49," replied the tavern owner.
"OK," said the psychiatrist."Have you got change for a manhole
cover?"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-02-2003, 07:03 AM:
Rated R
TEXAS DRINKING ETIQUETTE
The Mexican drinks his beer and suddenly throws his glass in the air, pulls out a gun and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, " In Mexico our glasses so cheap we don't need to drink from the same glass twice."
The Iraqi, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his AK-47 and shoots the glass to pieces.He says, "In Iraq we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink out of the same glass twice either.
The Texan, cool as a cucumber, picks up his beer and drinks it, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the Mexican and the Iraqi, and catches his glass.He says, "In America we have so many Mexicans and Arabs that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-09-2003, 12:24 PM:
Rated PG Wisconsin
I understand that Wisconsin, the dairy state, is planning to change the slogan on their license plates
from: Wisconsin The Dairy State
to: Wisconsin Come Smell Our Dairy Air.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-11-2003, 09:30 AM:
Rated G West Virginia
Did you hear about the new 3 million dollar West Virginia State Lottery? The winner gets 3 dollars a year for a million years.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-12-2003, 12:07 AM:
Rated G West Virginia
Bumper sticker on West Virginia Pick-up Truck:
My Wife Is An Honor Student At Jefferson Davis Junior High School
Posted by Gordon McLeod (Member # 33) on 12-12-2003, 04:22 PM:
Rated G
Saddam Hussein is going to be tried in absentia. President Bush is checking his atlas.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-15-2003, 09:06 AM:
Rated G Michele Virginia
During a tour of restored Williamsburg in Virginia, our hostess
pointed with pride to portraits of George Washington, Thomas
Jefferson and James Madison, our first, third and fourth
Presidents. "Why isn't a painting of our second President, John
Adams, hung here?" a member of the group asked.
"Because in Williamsburg, we only hang Virginians!" the hostess
replied.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-05-2004, 11:59 AM:
Rated G Alaska
January 3rd - On this day in 1959.
Alaska became the 49th state, and...
... the U.S. immediately increased over 20 percent in size.
... Mt.McKinley instantly became the nation's highest mountain
(6,000 feet higher than Mt.Whitney, the previous record holder).
...the Yukon became the country's third-longest river (1,980 miles).
...The U.S. suddenly lived up to its national symbol (more bald
eagles live in Alaska than in all other 49 states combined).
...the U.S. got new "native" animals,including the must ox and
the polar bear.
...the average national temperature went down.
81% of Alaska is owned by the government.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-20-2004, 10:49 AM:
Rated G Alaska
You may be Alaskan if:
1. Going to the store for milk can be life threatening.
2. Your town has no stray animals.
3. Most dogs in your area have a job in transportation.
4. You have a good supply of arctic wear AND mosquito repellant.
5. The schools or businesses don't give "Snow Days".
6. You have more problems with moose eating your bushes than with grasshoppers or beetles.
7. You have to plug in your car even though it isn't electric.
8. The Halloween pumpkin you carved in October doesn't go bad
until April or May.
9. Short sleeves are considered appropriate wear in any
temperature that doesn't have a - (minus) in front of it.
10. Living in the "boonies" or "out in the country" has a whole
different meaning than in the Lower 48.
11. You sometimes have to wait for the bear to leave the yard
before you can come in from the bathroom.
Still not sure? Here's more ways to tell:
1. You only know four spices:salt,pepper,ketchup and Tabasco.
2. You design your Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
3. The mosquitoes have landing lights.
4. You have more miles on your snowblower than your car.
5. You have 10 favorite recipes for moose meat.
6. You thought "Grumpy Old Men" was a documentary.
7. The local hardware store on any Saturday is busier than the toy store at Christmas.
8. You live in a house that has no front step,yet the door is
three feet above the ground.
9. You've taken your kids trick-or-treating in a blizzard.
10. Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are
filled in with snow.
11. You think sexy lingerie is tube socks and a flannel nightgown
with only eight buttons.
12. You owe more money on your snowmobile than your car.
13. At least twice a year, the kitchen doubles as a meat-
processing plant.
14. The most effective mosquito repellent is a shotgun.
15. Your snowblower gets stuck on the roof.
16. You think the start of moose season is a national holiday.
17. You head south to go to your cottage.
18. You frequently clean grease off your barbeque so the bears
won't prowl on your deck.
19. The major parish fund-raiser isn't bingo, it's sausage making.
20. The mayor greets you on the street by your first name.
21. You find -60° C a little chilly.
22. The trunk of your car doubles as a deep-freeze.
23. You attend a formal event in your best clothes, your finest
jewelry and your Sorels.
24. You know four seasons: Winter, Still Winter, Almost Winter,
and Construction.
25. You can tell the difference between a chipmunk and a squirrel from 300 yards away.
26. Shoveling the driveway constitutes a great upper body workout.
27. The town buys a Zamboni before they buy a bus.
28. You actually get these jokes and forward them to all your
Alaskan friends.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-23-2004, 05:56 AM:
Rated PG TEXAS
A couple traveling cross country decided to stop for a cup of coffee in a local diner somewhere in Texas.While they were sitting at a booth near the counter sipping their coffee,a local cowboy stumbles in and heads for the closest stool at the counter.As he lifts his leg over the stool,he cuts one of the loudest farts ever heard by a human.
The tourist jumps up and yells,"Sir,how dare you fart before my wife!"
The cowboy stopped,tipped his hat politely and says,
"I'm awful sorry ma'am...I didn't know we was a takin' turns."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-30-2004, 10:33 AM:
Rated G Texas Michele
I saw hundreds of Aggies going nuts on CNN.They were all in
College Station acting like fools.
At first CNN said the Aggies were happy because of Coach Fran's
newest recruits... but, it was just reported that the celebration is really over the announcement that mad cow disease is not sexually transmitted.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-11-2004, 01:19 PM:
Rated G B.B.
Little Known Texas Facts!
Nobody asked for them, but here are some little known Texas facts.I know ya'll just can't wait to read them!
Beaumont to El Paso: 742 miles
Beaumont to Chicago: 770 miles
World's first rodeo was in Pecos... July 4, 1883.
The Flagship Hotel in Galveston is the only hotel in North America built over water.
The Heisman Trophy was named after John William Heisman who was the first fulltime coach for Rice University, Houston.
Brazoria County has more species of birds than any other area in
North America.
Aransas Wildlife Refuge is the winter home of North America's only remaining flock of whooping cranes.
Jalapeno jelly originated in Lake Jackson in 1978.
The worst natural disaster in U.S. history was in 1900 caused by a hurricane in which over 8000 lives were lost on Galveston Island.
The first word spoken from the moon, July 20, 1969,was "Houston."
El Paso is closer to California than to Dallas.
Laredo is the world's largest inland port.
Tyler Municipal Rose Garden is the world' s largest rose garden
with over 38,000 bushes with 500 varieties on 22 acres.
King Ranch is larger than Rhode Island.
Tropical Storm Claudette brought a U.S. rainfall record of 43" in 24 hours in and around Alvin in July 1979.
Texas is the only state to enter the U.S. by TREATY, instead of by annexation.(This allows the Texas flag to fly at the same height as the US flag.)
A Live Oak tree near Fulton is estimated to be 1500 years old.
Caddo Lake is the only natural lake in the state.
Dr Pepper was invented in Waco in 1885. There is no period after
Dr in Dr Pepper.
Texas has had six capital cities ...
1. Washington-on-the-Brazos
2. Harrisburg
3. Galveston
4. Velasco
5. West Columbia
6. Austin
The Capitol Dome in Austin is the only dome in the U.S. which is
taller than the Capitol Building in Washington D.C. (by 7 feet).
The name Texas comes from the Hasini Indian word "tejas" meaning
friends. Tejas is not Mexican for Texas.
The State animal is the Armadillo. *
The first domed stadium in the U.S. was the Astrodome in Houston.
*An interesting bit of trivia about the armadillo is they always
have four babies! They have one egg which splits into four and
they either have four males or four females. Well... I thought it was interesting anyway!
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-13-2004, 07:55 AM:
Rated G Texas Michele
The Texas Legislature is now considering a bill that would speed
up executions in heinous crimes that had more than three
eyewitnesses.
If more than three people saw you do what you did, you don't sit
on death row for fifteen years, you go straight to the front of
the line.
Other states are trying to abolish the death penalty, and Texas is putting in an express lane!
Posted by Jeremy Fuentes (Member # 2135) on 03-30-2004, 10:51 AM:
These apply to every person as they enter Texas. Learn 'em & 'member 'em.
You East Coast and California-types should pay extra particular attention!
1. Pull your droopy pants up. You look like an idiot.
2. Let's get this straight; it's called a "gravel road." I
drive a pickup truck because I need to. No matter how
slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your Lexus.
Drive it or get the hell out of the way.
3. Those are cattle & oil wells. That's what they smell
like to you. They smell like money to us. Get over it.
You don't like it? I-20 and I-10 go east and west, I-35
goes north and south. Pick one and go.
4. So you have a $60,000 dollar car. We're impressed.
Some of us have quarter-million dollar cotton
strippers that we drive 3 weeks a year.
5. So what if every person in every pickup waves. It's
called being friendly. Try to understand the concept.
6. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of doves are
coming in, we WILL shoot it out of your hand. You better
hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.
7. Yeah, we eat catfish & crawdads. You really want sushi &
caviar? It's available at the corner bait shop.
8. The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season.
It's a "religious" holiday held the closest Saturday to
the first of November.
9. We open doors for women. That applies to everyone,
regardless of age.
10. No, there's no "vegetarian special" on the menu. Order
a steak or order the Chef's Salad and pick off the 2
pounds of ham & turkey.
11. When we fill out a table, there are three main dishes:
meats, vegetables and breads. We use three spices:
salt, pepper and green chili. Oh, yeah.... We don't
care what you folks in Cincinnati call that stuff you
eat... It AIN'T REAL CHILI!! Chili was born and bred
in San Antonio.... and real chili never met a tomato!
12. You bring "coke" into my house, it better be brown,
wet, and served over ice. You bring "Mary Jane" into my
house, she better be cute, know how to shoot, drive a
truck and have long, pretty hair.
13. High School Football is as important here as the Lakers
and the Knicks, and a dang site more fun to watch.
14. Yeah, we have golf courses. Don't hit the water
hazards - it spooks the fish.
15. Colleges? Try Texas A&M or the University of Texas.
They come outta there with an education, plus a love
for God and country, and they still wave at passing
pickups when they come home for the holidays.
16. We have more folks in the Navy, Army, Marines and Air
Force than any other state, so "Don't Mess with
Texas." If you do, you will get your butt whipped by
the best.
17. Always remember what our great governor Sam Houston
once said: "Texas can make it without the United
States, but the United States can't make it without
Texas."
18. By the way, the boys that captured So-Damn Insane
(Hussein) were from...Yep! You guessed it~~"The Great
State of Texas."
God bless Texas and her people!
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-31-2004, 10:29 AM:
Rated G Texas
He'd been up in New York recently for the Rangers - Yankees game. He was having a drink in a bar when an attractive woman sat down next to him. "Hello, honey," he said. "I'm Oliver from down around...."
"Don't tell me," she smiled, laying a hand on his forearm.
"You're from Texas."
"How'd you know?" he asked.
"You called me 'honey', your name's Oliver, 'n you sure seem tall
sitting there on that bar stool"
"Well, you're right," he replied,"but I have to tell you I'm not really that tall - I'm just sitting on my wallet."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-31-2004, 10:32 AM:
Rated G Texas
In the early 1900s, a simple religious Russian Jew decided that he could no longer stand the Czar's persecution. He would leave
Russia to join his son who had settled in Houston,Texas.The son, who had totally assimilated and was a successful oil man, was thrown into a panic.
"Of course, you are welcome, Pa," he cabled, "I will arrange a
visa, your tickets and fares. But you must realize that I have a
wonderful reputation here as an oil man. When you arrive, you must
adapt to American culture or I will be destroyed.
Upon arrival at the train station, the old man, dressed in his
long coat and up-brimmed hat, was whisked to a haberdashery, where he was fitted with the latest style fedora and a modern-cut suit. But still, his father looked too Jewish.
"Pa it's not enough. I'll take you to the barber." The first thing that came off was the beard. The son looked on and said, "it's not enough Pa.The peyos, they'll have to go."
The barber cut off the right peya.While the son looked on
proudly, his pa was becoming a real American. Then the second. And the old man began to weep.
"Why are you crying, Papa?" the son asked incredulously.
The father, resigned to his fate, simply answered. "I am crying
because we lost the Alamo!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-09-2004, 11:33 AM:
Rated G TEXAN in Ireland
A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are damn good drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back." The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?", asks the Irishman.
The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back.
The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.
The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin' where did you go for the past 30 minutes?". The Irishman replies, "Oh...I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first".
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-09-2004, 11:39 AM:
Rated G FLORIDA
You May Be From Florida If...
You don't pull off the road to look at an alligator.
You realize that the only reason for Georgia's existence is to provide extra billboard space for advertising Florida.
You understand the only escape from big mosquitoes or water bugs is death.
You wear a sweater when it gets below 70°.
You don't even consider Miami a nice place to visit.
You only eat Early Bird Specials.
You know not to drive from Pensacola to the Keys in one day (or two).
You can remember when there was no good reason to go to Orlando.
Your definition of "waterfront property" doesn't include condominium apartments on man-made canals 20 miles from the ocean.
You can laugh when Northerners say that Florida doesn't have a change of seasons, because you know the rates are much lower after Labor Day.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-19-2004, 09:34 PM:
Rated PG Only in Texas
A woman sitting at a restaurant in McKinney,Texas suddenly began to cough while eating a giant country-fried steak.After few seconds it became apparent that she was in real distress,and two cowboys at the next table turned to look at her.
"Kin ya swaller? asked one of the cowboys. The woman signaled 'No', desperately shaking her head. "Kin ya breathe?" asked the other. The woman, beginning to turn a bit blue, shook her head 'No.'
With that, the first cowboy walked over to her,lifted up the back of her skirt,yanked down her panties,and slowly ran his tongue up and down the woman's butt crack.This shocked the woman into such a violent spasm that the obstruction flew out of her mouth and she began to breath again. The cowboy slowly walked back over to his table and proudly took another drink of his Lone Star beer.His partner said in admiration,"Ya know,I'd heard of that there Hind Lick Maneuver,but I ain't never seen nobody do it.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 05-05-2004, 02:56 PM:
Rated G Texas CW
Down Home Texas Talk
Aholt: get in touch with; as in "I'll get aholt of him"
Bob Warr Fants: something to keep cattle in the pasture
Born: a building on a rayanch
Brayud: something you make a sangweech with
Camer: a thang you take pitchers with
Hay Und: something that holds your five fingers
Hayud: where you keep your brains
Lektrit Fayun: something you plug in to make breezes blow
Mals: measure of distance
Maon: like "Ah don't need a ride, ah has maon cawur"
Merkan Cissen: one born in the USA
Pay Un: a thang used to cook in
Punchard Tar: something that goes flat when you don't have a spare
Ranch: something to take a nut off a bolt with
Rat Cheer: in this very place
Rat Naow: immediately if not sooner
Rinch: when you soak your clothes in clear water
Sangweech: something made with two pieces of brayud
Tal: a thang you dries dishes with after they have been rinched
Tarred: plum tuckered out
Warr Plars: something you cut a fants with
Whan: like "Whan yuh comin tuh see me?"
Whurr: like "whurr's muh hayut?"
Woosh: like "Ah woosh you would be muh sweethort,Mary Lou"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 07-20-2004, 10:41 AM:
Rated G Texas
During a visit with friends, conversation turned to what each one of us would do if he or she became instantly wealthy.
As we rattled off desires for lavish homes and fancy cars, Tom a gentle Texan sat quietly pondering. Then he delighted us all by saying simply, "Reckon I'd hire someone to break in my new blue jeans."
Posted by Paul Mayer (Member # 355) on 07-20-2004, 03:34 PM:
Rated G Nevada
The US Mint is soliciting suggestions for the design and slogan for the new Nevada quarter scheduled to roll out next year. So far the top candidate for the slogan is "If found, deposit in nearest slot machine."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-13-2004, 08:47 AM:
Rated G Michele
It's Not English; It's Texish
The engine's runnin', but ain't nobody drivin'. [not too smart]
Tighter than the bark on a tree. [stingy]
We've howdied, but we ain't shook yet. [We've met, but we haven't been formally introduced.]
She's got tongue enough for ten rows of teeth. [She's a talker]
This ain't my first rodeo. [I've been around].
Slide off and cool your saddle. [rest]
It's as hot as the underside of a saddle blanket after a hard ride. [hot!]
He's as shy of truth as a goat is of feathers. [he lies]
Sounds like he must've gotten sour milk from his mother. [he's a malcontent]
Posted by Paul Mayer (Member # 355) on 10-14-2004, 12:39 PM:
Rated G from Dave
New Invention
A scientist from the University of Wyoming has invented a bra that keeps women's breasts from jiggling and prevents the nipples from pushing through the fabric when cold weather sets in.
After the news conference in Cheyenne announcing his new invention, the scientist was taken outside by a large group of cowboys and had the shit kicked out of him.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-05-2004, 10:15 AM:
Rated G Michele - New Jersey
Here's some news from the New Jersey Department of Environmental Protection.
They are now letting people take human remains, mix them in cement and drop them in the ocean to help make more reefs.
Didn't that use to be called 'the mafia'?
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-14-2005, 10:52 AM:
Rated G Lulu - Florida
A Florida court ruled that exotic dancers must cover one-third of their buttocks.
Now, if only they could pass the same law for the plumbers, we'd be in great shape.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-27-2005, 03:55 PM:
Rated PG Texas, New York, Illinois
Back in the early fifties, Pioneer Airlines was a predecessor of Texas International. This joke revolves around that airline's slogan:
Three young ladies of distinction were graduating from Southern Methodist University in Dallas. They were very good friends, all three were getting married soon to men in different cities, and they worried about losing contact with each other. Thus, each made a promise to write to the others after settling in with her new husband in her new location, and promised to include a PS with the name of a product whose slogan described her husband.
The first young lady married a guy from Chicago, and subsequently wrote the others, saying Chicago was okay, married life was what she expected, and "PS: Chesterfield Kings". Well, the other two received the letters and chuckled at the PS, because each knew that the slogan of Chesterfield Kings was "They Satisfy".
The second young lady married a guy from New York, and subsequently wrote the others, saying New York was better than she expected, married life was good, and "PS: Maxwell Coffee". This brought a genuine laugh from the other two, who knew the slogan of that product was "Good To The Last Drop".
The third yound lady married a guy from Houston, and subsequently wrote the others, saying Houston was great. She then spent the next four pages raving about her magnificent husband, describing him in the most glowing terms, and ended her letter with "PS: Pioneer Airlines".
The first friend to get the letter could not remember Pioneer's slogan, and called the other friend, who also was stumped. The first friend then decided to call the Pioneer Airlines reservation desk in Dallas to relieve her curiosity. When the reservation agent answered the phone in Dallas, she immediately recited the slogan of Pioneer Airlines (which, coincidently, was plastered on billboards all over Texas):
"Pioneer Airlines -- In and Out Every Hour, On The Hour, 24 Hours a Day -- Longest Route in Texas!!!".
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-07-2005, 12:02 PM:
Rated G California
"A group of people here in California are fighting for the right for women to be able to sunbathe topless in California. The name of this group... guys."
--Jay Leno
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-21-2005, 11:18 AM:
Rated G
You Might Live In Minnesota If...
If you consider it a sport to gather your food by drilling through l8 inches of ice and sitting there all day hoping that the food will swim by, you might live in Minnesota.
If you're proud that your state makes the national news 96 nights each Year, because International Falls is the coldest spot in the nation, you might live in Minnesota.
If you have ever refused to buy something because it's "too Spendy", you might live in Minnesota.
If your local Dairy Queen is closed from November through March, you might live in Minnesota.
If someone in a store offers you assistance, and they don't work there, you might live in Minnesota.
If your dad's suntan stops at a line curving around the middle of his forehead, you might live in Minnesota.
If you have worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you might live in Minnesota.
If you know how to say Wayzata, Mahtomedi, Edina, Shakopee ,Winton and Ely, you might live in Minnesota.
If you think that ketchup is a little too spicy, you might live in Minnesota.
"Vacation" means going up north past Virginia (Minnesota) for the weekend.
You measure distance in hours.
You know several people who have hit deer more than once, you might live in Minnesota.
You often switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day and back again, you might live in Minnesota.
You can drive 65 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard, without flinching, you might live in Minnesota.
You see people wearing hunting clothes at social events, they might live in Minnesota.
You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked, you might live in Minnesota.
You think of the major food groups as beer, fish, and venison, you might live in Minnesota.
You carry jumper cables in your car and your girlfriend knows how to use them, you might live in Minnesota.
There are 7 empty cars running in the parking lot at any given grocery store at any given time, you might live in Minnesota.
You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit, you might be from Minnesota.
Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow, you might be from Minnesota.
You know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter and road construction, you might live in Minnesota.
You can identify a southern or eastern accent, you might be from Minnesota.
You consider Minneapolis exotic, you might live in Minnesota.
Your idea of creative landscaping is a statue of a deer next to your Blue spruce, you might be from Minnesota.
Down South to you means Iowa, you might live in Minnesota.
A brat is something you eat, you might live in Minnesota.
You go out to fish fry every Friday, you might live in Minnesota.
You find 0 degrees a little chilly, you might live in Minnesota.
You actually understand these jokes, and you forward them to all your Minnesota friends because you do live in Minnesota.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-22-2005, 12:26 PM:
Rted G New Jersey
New Jersey: You Want A ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here!
Dumb New Jersey Laws
You cannot pump your own gas.
All gas stations are full service and full service only. [Reader Comments on this Law.]
On a highway you can not park under a bridge.
It is against the law for a man to knit during the fishing season.
It is against the law to "frown" at a police officer.
If you have been convicted of driving while intoxicated, you may never again apply for personalized license plates.
Car dealerships are forbidden from opening on Sunday.
You may not slurp your soup.
Automobiles are not to pass horse drawn carriages on the street.
It is illegal to delay or detain a homing pigeon.
Bernards Township
It is illegal to frown as the town is a "Frown-Free Town Zone".
Caldwell
You may not dance or wear shorts on the main avenue.
Cranford
Citizens are not permitted to park their own boat on their lawn.
Cresskill
All cats must wear three bells to warn birds of their whereabouts.
Elizabeth
It is forbidden for a woman, on a Sunday, to walk down Broad Street without wearing a petticoat.
Manville
It is illegal to offer whiskey or cigarettes to animals a the local zoo.
Newark
It is illegal to sell ice cream after 6pm, unless the customer has a note from his doctor.
Ocean City
People may not slurp their soup.
Pinball machines are not to be played on Sunday.
Raw hamburger may not be sold.
Raritan
Profanity is prohibited.
Sea Isle City
There will be no boiling of bones on the property.
Trenton
You may not throw a bad pickle in the street.
Misc.
You watched "Mallrats" and said "I've been to that mall!"
At least half the people you knew in high school went to Rutgers.
You know where Jimmy Hoffa is buried.
Your big class trip in elementary school was to Morristown.
You long for the days when the Devils wore Christmas colors.
You know that the only people that call it "Joisey" are from New York.
You've planned a local trip around ensuring you pass at least one Dunkin' Donuts.
You don't think of citrus when people mention "The Oranges"
You know that it's called "Great Adventure"... not "Six Flags", dammit!
You know that there are bakeries which are not part of a supermarket, but actual individual stores.
You've ordered a "hard roll with butter" for breakfast.
One time, a sea gull shit on your head.
You've eaten at a diner, drunk off your ass, at 3am at least a dozen times.
At least three people in your family still love Bruce Springsteen.
You always use a minimum of 10 variations of the word "damn" while driving.
You don't have to go to Red Lobster to get fresh seafood.
You once said, "It smells like New York in here,"
You can go bowling at 1:30 A.M. (with automatic scoring)!
In high school, you worked at a Friendly's.
The Garden State Parkway doesn't freak you out at night.
You know what a "jug handle" is.
You have mandatory recycling. Enforced by law.
You've eaten a pork roll and cheese on a hard roll...and like it.
You've pondered, "Maybe basketball would be more popular in NJ if the Nets didn't blow,"
You say "water" weird. (Wadder, Cawfee, Dowg, wadever)
Even your school made good Italian subs.
You've lived through hurricanes, nor'easters and fires, but have never seen a tornado or earthquake.
You can't believe MTV went to Seaside Heights.
You know that ACME is an actual store, not just a Warner Bros. creation.
You only go to New York City for day trips.
You've run out of money on the Parkway.
You're Italian.
You know where to get the best bagel.
You think the Olive Garden is crap and should have never opened any restaurants in New Jersey.
There are no self serve gas stations and you like it that freakin' way.
You've had sex on the beach, and I'm not talking about the beverage.
You know how to successfully handle a traffic circle.
The Jets/Giants game has started fights at your school and/or local bar
Your car is covered with yellow-green dust in April and May
You can't understand why there aren't more 24-hr diners elsewhere in the county
You live within 45 minutes of at least three different malls
Someone at the beach once called you a benny
You've seen or been in a fight between a Rangers fan and a Devils fan
You have or know someone with mafia connections too
You're related to someone who thinks the New York Jets should be called the New Jersey Jets
You have at least one friend who drives a truck
You've been camping
You've been in a town or city where Spanish is spoken more than English
You've been to a party in the woods
You've purchased fireworks in Chinatown
You liked the Jets even before this season
You know where to get a freshly cooked Taylor Ham, Egg and Cheese sandwich at 2 a.m.
You don't take shit from no one either
You remember Action Park and may have been seriously injured there
At some time you got on the wrong highway trying to get out of Willowbrook mall
Z-100 used to be your favorite radio station
Anything less than three inches of snow ain't shit
Someone cut you off on the road and you told them to go fuck themself
You think people from South Jersey talk funny
You're radioactive and proud of it.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 05-20-2005, 10:50 AM:
Rated G Texas
Trying to counter its reputation as "America's Fattest City", Houston, Texas, put on the "Tour de Houston" bicycle event. The response was staggering: at least 2,300 people showed up, raising $50,000 to upgrade the city's parks and recreational facilities.
Organizers didn't time the cyclists, noting it was "recreational,
not a race." Another reason for the great turnout: participants were given free beer and tacos.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-26-2005, 07:36 AM:
Rated G Texas - Michele
A Texas Redneck was driving his old pick up truck down the road with his girlfriend at his side when all of a sudden the truck started to buck and stall. With that, he said to his girlfriend that he had to get a new truck. He walked down the block and found a GMC dealership. Once inside a sales lady approaches him and says, "Sir, may I help you".
He looks at a hummer and says to the saleslady, "How much for a hummer?"
She replies, well they start at $49,000 and go up from there.
He says, "$49,000. That's a lot of money, I can get one a lot cheaper!"
The saleslady assures him that she has the lowest prices in the state of Texas. Then she says, "Sir if you can get a hummer cheaper than what I will give it to you for, I will give you the key to this truck right now."
With that, the Redneck walks out, gets his girlfriend, brings her into the dealership and says, "Honey, will you give me a hummer for $50.
She says, "Hell yes."
He turns to the saleslady and asks, "Where do I pick up my keys to that new truck?"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 07-08-2005, 08:15 PM:
Rated G Texas/Kentucky
A Kentuckian and a Texan were talking in a Dallas bar. The Texan said, "So how do you like it here?"
The Kentuckian replied, "Texas is a grand state, but not as grand as Kentucky. Did you know that we have so much gold in Fort Knox that we could build a 3-foot high fence of gold bars all around the border of Texas?"
The Texan looked thoughtful for a moment and said,"Well...ya'll go ahead and build that fence, and if we like it, we'll buy it."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 08-06-2005, 03:31 PM:
Rated PG
KNOW YOUR STATE MOTTO
Alabama
Hell Yes, We Have Electricity.
Alaska
11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong!
Arizona
But It's A Dry Heat.
Arkansas
Literacy Ain't Everything.
California
By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda.
Colorado
If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother.
Connecticut
Like Massachusetts,Only The Kennedy's Don't Own It Yet.
Delaware
We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water.
Florida
Ask Us About Our Grandkids. Then teach us how to drive & vote.
Georgia
We Put The Fun In Fundamentalist Extremism.
Hawaii
Haka Tike Mou Sha! 'ami Lee ki Toru
(Death To Mainland Scum, Leave Your Money)
Idaho
More Than Just Potatoes... Well, Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good
Illinois
Please, Don't Pronounce the "S"
Indiana
2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free
Iowa
We Do Amazing Things With Corn
Kansas
First Of The Rectangle States
Kentucky
Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names
Louisiana
We're Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos,But That's Our Tourism Campaign.
Maine!
We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster
Maryland
If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It
Massachusetts
Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's
Michigan
First Line Of Defense From The Canadians
Minnesota
10,000 Lakes...And 10,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes
Mississippi
Come And Feel Better About Your Own State
Missouri
Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work
Montana
Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber, Right-wing Crazies, and Very Little Else.
Nebraska
Ask About Our State Motto Contest
Nevada
Hookers and Poker!
New Hampshire
Go Away And Leave Us Alone
New Jersey
You Want A ##$%##! Motto?
I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto
Right here!
New Mexico
Lizards Make Excellent Pets
New York
You Have The Right To Remain Silent,
You Have The Right To An Attorney...
North Carolina
Tobacco Is A Vegetable
North Dakota
We Really Are One Of The 50 States!
Ohio
At Least We're Not Michigan
Oklahoma
Like The Play, But No Singing
Oregon
Spotted Owl...It's What's For Dinner
Pennsylvania
Cook With Coal
Rhode Island
We're Not REALLY An Island
South Carolina
Remember The War of Northern Aggression?
Well, We Didn't Actually Surrender Yet
South Dakota
Closer Than North Dakota
Tennessee
The Edyoocashun State
Texas
Se Hablo Ingles
Utah
Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus
Vermont
Ay, Yup!
Virginia
Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?
Washington
We have more rain than you do
West Virginia
One Big Happy Family...Really!
Wisconsin
Come Cut The Cheese!
Wyoming
Where Men Are Men... And The Sheep Are Scared
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 08-17-2005, 10:06 AM:
Rated G Maine
Mind Over Matter
The train was en route from Bangor to Portland. One of Maine's typical sons was stretched across two seats in the day-coach contemplating the rugged scenery.
At a small station another male boarded the coach.
The passenger had the eager, inquiring eye and the long prehensile nose of a certain sub-species of the genus Yankee, of which he was a perfect specimen.
As he slumped down alongside the sprawling one, the newcomer spied in the rack above their heads a stout, smallish wooden box, heavily corded, with augur holes bored in the sides and ends of it.
Speaking in a gorgeous Down-East drawl the inquisitive party put his first question:
"Nice day?"
"Yep," said the other.
"Goin' fur?"
"Portland."
"Portland, huh? - live thar?"
"No, visiting."
"That your box up thar?"
"Yep."
"Looks kind of solid?"
"Is."
"Looks kind of heavy, too?"
"Is."
"Got holes in it, I see?"
"Yep."
"Whut's the holes fur?"
"Air."
"Whut you need air fur?"
"So it can breathe."
"So whut kin breathe?"
"What's inside."
"Oh!...Well, whut is inside?"
"Mongoose."
"Mon which?"
"No, mongoose."
"Mongoose, heh?"
"Yep."
"Whut the heck is a mongoose?"
"Small East Indian animal."
"Slick?"
"No, furry."
"Tame?"
"Not very."
"Would it bite you?"
"In a minute."
"Whut you want with a critter like that?"
The pestered traveler straightened up.
"Well," he said, "I'll tell you. A mongoose is an animal that lives off reptiles - snakes, lizards, toads. I've got an uncle in Portland. Fine man, respected citizen and all that, but he's got one weakness. Drinks. When he drinks he's bothered by snakes and lizards. I'm taking the mongoose down there to eat 'em."
"Yes, but gosh! Them varmints he sees is imaginary snakes!"
"Well, this is an imaginary mongoose."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 08-22-2005, 07:29 PM:
Rated G Texas
Three cowboys are sitting around a campfire, out on a lonesome Texas prarie, each with the bravado for which cowboys are famous. A night of tall tales begins.
The first one says, "I must be the meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why, just the other day a bull got loose in the corral and gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground by the horns with my bare hands."
The second cowboy can't stand to be bested. "Why that's nothing. I was walking down the trail yesterday and a fifteen-foot rattlesnake slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that snake with my bare hands, bit its head off and sucked the poison down in one gulp. And I'm still here today."
The third cowboy remained silent, silently stirring the coals with his hands.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 08-22-2005, 07:32 PM:
Rated G Texas
A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling. "Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!?!?" he yelled with surprising forcefulness. No one answered. "Alright, I'm gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don't like to have to do what I dun in Texas!"
Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse has been returned to the post. He saddled up and started to ride out of town.
The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say partner, before you go... what happened in Texas?"
The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-10-2005, 10:15 AM:
Rated G Texas
Hunting Couple
While a Texan was busily preparing for the first day of deer hunting season, his wife started nagging that he never asked her to go along. After several hours of argument the wife won.
That next morning they drove out to the country, and he placed his wife in a tree about 100 yards from his blind. Just as the hunter reached the blind, he heard a loud bang coming from the wife's position.
As he ran up to her, he saw that she was holding her gun on a man nearby and shouting, "It's my deer! Get away from It!!
The sheepish-looking stranger just nodded slowly and said, "OK, lady.. It's your deer. Just let me get my saddle off of it!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-10-2005, 12:21 PM:
Rated PG
Two Minnesotans walk into a pet shop in Grand Marais. They head to the bird section and Sven says to Ole, "Dat's dem." The owner comes over and asks if he can help them. "Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere," says Sven. The owner puts the budgies in a paper bag. Ole and Sven pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Sven's pick-up and drive to the top of the big cliffs by the Lake. At the cliffs, Sven looks down at the 1000-foot drop and says: "Dis looks like a grand place." He takes two birds out of the bag, puts them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff. Ole watches as Sven falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead. Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Ole shakes his head and says: "Dis budgie jumping is too dangerous for me."
BUT WAIT!
There's MORE! PART TWO:
Moments later Knut arrives up at the cliffs. He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another paper bag in one hand and a shotgun in the other. "Hej, Ole. Watch dis," Knut says. He takes a parrot from the bag and throws himself over the edge of the cliff. Ole watches as half way down, Knut takes the gun and shoots the parrot. Knut continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body. Ole shakes his head and says, "And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either."
BUT WAIT!
There's MORE! PART THREE:
Ole is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Lars appears. He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a paper bag out of which he pulls a chicken. Lars grasps the chicken by the legs holds it over his head and hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine. Once more Ole shakes his head - "First der was Sven with his budgie jumping, den Knut parrotshooting and now Lars is hengliding.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-23-2005, 08:23 AM:
Rated G California
Do you know what happened this week back in 1850?
California became a state.
The State had no electricity.
The State had no money.
Almost everyone spoke Spanish.
There were gunfights in the streets.
So basically, it was just like California today, except that the women had real tits.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-26-2005, 07:39 AM:
Rated G
When does summertime come to Minnesota you ask? Well, last year I think it was a Wednesday.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-01-2005, 03:17 PM:
Rated G California
Der New 2005 California State Employee Handbook
By Arnold Schwarzenegger
Sick Days
Ve vill no longer accept a doktor's shtatement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doktor, you are able to come to verk.
Personal Days
Each employee vill receive 104 personal days a year. Dey are called Saturday and Sunday.
Lunch Break
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more, so that dey can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because dat's all der time needed to drink der Shlim Fast.
Dress Code
It is advised that you come to verk dressed according to your salary. If ve see you vearing $350 Prada sneakers, and carrying a $600 Gucci Bag, ve assume you are doing vell financially and derefore you do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so dat you may buy nicer clothes, and derefore you do not need a raise. If you dress in- betveen, you are right vere you need to be and derefore you do not need a raise.
Bereavement Leave
Dis is no excuse for missing verk. Dere is notting you can do for dead friends, relatives, or co-verkers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to da arranchments. In rare cases vere employee involvement is necessary, da funeral should be scheduled in da late afternoon. Ve vill be glad to allow you to vork troo your lunch hour and subsequently leave vone hour early.
Restroom Use
Entirely too much time is being spent in da restroom. Dere is now a shtricht 3-minute time limit in der shtalls. At der end of tree minutes, an alarm vill sound, der toilet paper roll vill retract, the shtall door vill open and a picture vill be taken. After your second offense, your picture vill be posted on der company bulletin board under da "Chronic Offenders" category.
Tank you for your loyalty to our great shtate. Ve are here to provide a positive employment experience.
Tank You, Der Governater
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-11-2005, 10:59 AM:
Rated G Vermont
Soon after moving to Vermont a man encountered his first New England snowstorm.
"Guess there'll be no bowling tonight," he remarked to his new boss.
"Why not?" the boss asked.
"Well, you know, the snow...."
"Son" the boss replied, "you may not have noticed, but we bowl indoors."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-14-2005, 10:09 AM:
Rated G Florida
YOU MIGHT BE A FLORIDA RESIDENT IF ....
You have FEMA's number on your speed dial.
You have more than 300 C and D batteries in your kitchen drawer.
Your pantry contains more than 20 cans of Spaghetti Os.
You are thinking of repainting your house to match the plywood covering your windows.
When describing your house to a prospective buyer,you say it has three bedrooms,two baths,and one safe hallway.
Your SSN isn't a secret, it's written in Sharpie on your arms.
You are on a first-name basis with all the cashiers at Home Depot.
Gasoline is a rare commodity worth waiting in line for hours just to get 10 gallons.
You are delighted to be able to pay only $5 for a gallon of regular unleaded.
The road leading to your house has been declared a No-Wake Zone.
You decide that your patio furniture looks better on the bottom of the pool.
You own more than three large coolers.
You can wish that other people get hit by a hurricane and not feel the least bit guilty about it.
You rationalize helping a friend board up by thinking "It'll only take a gallon of gas to get there and back"
You have 2-liter coke bottles and milk jugs filled with water in your freezer
Three months ago you couldn't hang a shower curtain; today you can assemble a portable generator by candlelight.
You catch a 13-pound redfish... in your living room
You can recite from memory whole portions of your homeowner's insurance policy.
At cocktail parties, women are attracted to the guy with the biggest chain saw.
You have had tuna more than 5 days in a row.
There is a roll of tar paper in your garage.
You can rattle off the names of three or more meteorologists who work at the Weather Channel.
Someone comes to your door to tell you they found your roof.
Ice is a valid topic of conversation.
Your "drive-thru" meal consists of MRE's and bottled water.
Relocating to South Dakota does not seem like such a crazy idea anymore.
You've been laughed at over the phone by a roofer, fence builder or a tree worker.
A battery powered TV is considered a home entertainment center.
Your child's first words are "hunker down".
Having a tree in your living room does not necessarily mean it's Christmas.
Toilet Paper is worth more than gold coins.
You know the difference between the "good side" of a storm and the "bad side."
Your kids start school in November and finish in June
You go to work early and stay late just to enjoy the air conditioning and the bathroom
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-06-2005, 10:02 AM:
Rated G Alabama
Alabama Laws . . .
It is illegal for a driver to be blindfolded while operating a vehicle.
Dominoes may not be played on Sunday.
It is illegal to wear a fake moustache that causes laughter in church.
Putting salt on a railraod track may be punishable by death.
Boogers may not be flicked into the wind.
Unlawful bear exploitation; penalties.(a) A person commits the offense of unlawful bear exploitation if he or she knowingly does any one of the following: (1) Promotes, engages in, or is employed at a bear wrestling match. (2) Receives money for the admission of another person to a place kept for bear wrestling. (3) Sells, purchases, possesses, or trains a bear for bear wrestling. (4) For purposes of exploitation, subjects a bear to surgical alteration in any form, including, but not limited to, declawing, tooth removal, and severing tendons. (b) Unlawful bear exploitation is a Class B felony and is punishable as provided by law. -Section 13A-12-5 (Passed in 1996)
It is legal to drive the wrong way down a one-way street if you have a lantern attached to the front of your automobile.
You must have windshield wipers on your car.
You may not have an ice cream cone in your back pocket at any time.
Masks may not be worn in public.
Men may not spit in front of the opposite sex.
You may not drive barefooted.
It is illegal to maim oneself to escape duty.
It is illegal to impersonate a person of the clergy.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-06-2005, 07:52 PM:
Rated G Texas/Illinois
A Texas Cattle Rancher and an Illinois Farmer were debating on who had the biggest spread of land.
The Texas Cattle Rancher said, "I'll tell ya what son, my ranch is so big that I can get in my pickup truck and start out at the western entrance to my ranch and drive straight east all dog-gone day and still not reach the eastern entrance to my ranch".
The Illinois Farmer scratched his head and spit out his chewin' tobacco and replied, "Ya know......I used to have an old pickup truck just like that".
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-11-2005, 07:49 PM:
Rated G B.B.
(Statement made after Katrina)
I knew the Louisiana Purchase was a bad idea.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-12-2005, 12:08 PM:
Rated G Ray
The Texas Board of Education wants marriage in health texts defined as between a man and a woman.
They also approved a new geography text. "This Flat Earth."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-12-2006, 01:11 PM:
Rated PG B.B. California
So as not to be outdone by all the redneck, hillbilly, and Texan jokes, you know you're from California if:
1. Your coworker has 8 body piercing's and none are visible.
2. You make over $300,000 and still can't afford a house.
3. You take a bus and are shocked at two people carrying on a conversation in English.
4. Your child's 3rd grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is named Flower.
5. You can't remember . . . . is pot illegal?
6. You've been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor.
7. You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown, and you can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian.
8. You can't remember . . . is pot illegal?
9. A really great parking space can totally move you to tears.
10. Gas costs $1.00 per gallon more than anywhere else in the U.S.
11. Unlike back home, the guy at 8:30 am at Starbucks wearing a baseball cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney really IS George Clooney!!
12. Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.
13. You can't remember . . . .is pot illegal?
14. It's barely sprinkling rain and there's a report on every news station: "STORM WATCH."
15. You pass an elementary school playground and the children are all busy with their cells or pagers.
16. It's barely sprinkling rain outside, so you leave for work an hour early to avoid all the weather- related accidents.
17. HEY!!!! Is pot illegal????
18. Both you AND your dog have therapists.
19. The Terminator is your governor.
20. If you drive illegally, they take your driver's license. If you're here illegally, they want to give you one!!!
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-31-2006, 10:47 AM:
Rated G Gerry - Texas
A New Yorker was driving through a barren wilderness in West Texas when a fancy bird skittled past the car.
"What kind of fowl do you call that?" he asked.
The driver answered proudly, "That's a bird of paradise."
"Hm-m-m," mused the New Yorker. "Kind of far from home, isn't he?"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-10-2006, 10:22 AM:
Rated G B.B.
A senior at Kentucky was overheard saying... "When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Kentucky."
When asked why, he replied he'd rather be in Kentucky because everything happens in Kentucky 20 years later than in the rest of the civilized world.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-10-2006, 11:23 AM:
Rated G Texas
NEWS FLASH! - Texas's worst air disaster may have occurred! when a small two-seater Cessna 150 plane, piloted by two University of Texas students, crashed into a cemetery earlier today.
Search and Rescue workers have recovered 300 bodies so far and expect the number to climb as digging continues into the evening.
The pilot and copilot survived and are helping in the recovery efforts.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-10-2006, 11:33 AM:
Rated G Kentucky
The owner of a golf course in Kentucky was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.
He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from The University of Kentucky and I need some help. If I were to give you $20, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"
The secretary thought a moment, then replied, "Everything but my earrings."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-02-2006, 11:38 AM:
Rated G South Dakota
South Dakota passed the most restrictive abortion law in the country.
It includes the requirement that pregnant wives notify both their husband AND the baby's father.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-24-2006, 04:55 PM:
Rated PG B.B. * Louisiana:
A man walked into a Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter.
The total amount of cash he got from the drawer?
Fifteen dollars.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 09-13-2006, 04:36 PM:
Rated G Texas
A Texas rancher and his wife were arguing while touring Paris. They were hardly speaking to each other after being seated in a fancy French restaurant for dinner.
When the waiter arrived, the rancher said," I'll have a BIG THICK PORTERHOUSE STEAK."
The waiter replied,"Monsieur, what about Ze Mad Cow? "
He said, "She'll have a Salad."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-27-2007, 09:40 AM:
Rated G
YOU MIGHT BE FROM COLORADO IF...
... You carry your $3,000 mountain bike on top of your $500 car.
... You thought "Californication" would be banned by Amendment 2.
... You think "South Park" is a place to stop for gas on your way to Buena Vista.
... You have a business degree and are frying burgers at a McDonald's in Vail.
... You have a flat tire in your refrigerator and your garage.
... You tell your husband to pick up granola on his way home from work and he stops at the day care.
... You own a big dog named Aspen, Buck, Cheyenne or Dakota that wears a bandanna.
... You cast out your fishing line while white-water rafting.
... You've never seen the tourist attractions in your own city.
... All summer you thought a redneck named "Bubby" was gonna be your quarterback.
...You think a pass does not involve a football or a woman.
... You are 82 years old and take up snowboarding.
... Your SUV tire size exceeds your IQ.
... Your real Y2K fear is running out of Celestial Seasonings tea and trail mix.
... The entire top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.
... You personally wouldn't pay $10 per head to drive up Pikes Peak unless it was the only mountain on earth, but you tell all our house-guests to do it.
... You can recite the entire Bible from memory, but can't remember to use your turn signal (CO Springs).
... You get depressed after one day of foggy weather.
... You wear the latest fashions a year after they went out of style.
... You think that formal wear is ironed denim.
... North means "mountains to the left;" south is "mountains to the right;" and east and west are where all those damned liberals keep moving in from.
... You go anywhere else on the planet and the air feels "sticky" and you notice the sky is no longer blue.
... You consider a three-piece suit to be a pair of shorts, a sweatshirt and Birkenstocks.
... You see your East Coast relatives now more than when you lived there.
... You think gun control is not dropping it.
... Your bridal registry is at REI.
... You can run up 10 flights of stairs without huffing and puffing.
... You've ever stood on solid ground and looked down on an airplane in flight.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-27-2007, 09:45 AM:
Rated G
"Yesterday, they had the first recall debate. There are no winners and losers in this debate. Just losers. ... They wanted to have an empty chair out there to represent Arnold, since he didn't show up. But then they got worried, 'What if the empty chair wins?'" —Jay Leno
"In order to comply with this equal time rule, TV stations in California cannot run any of Arnold's movies between now and the election because it would be like giving him free publicity. And because it would be free publicity for Gray Davis, they cannot show the movie 'Dean Man Walking.'" —Jay Leno
"A little bit of a scandal for Lieutenant Governor Cruz Bustamante. It seems he has accepted $2 million from one Indian tribe, on top of $800,000 he has already accepted from two other bribes. Oh wait, did I say bribes, I meant tribes." —Jay Leno
"The latest polls show that Arnold Schwarzenegger is trailing Lieutenant Governor Cruz Bustamante in the polls. That's insane. I mean, think about it, this guy Cruz Bustamante has never even been in a movie." —David Letterman
"A number of candidates are complaining that Arnold's getting so much of the spotlight that it's drowning out their message. In fact Arianna Huffington said that she hasn't been this ignored since her honeymoon." —Jay Leno
"Arianna Huffington launched her campaign for governor by criticizing the fat cats who do not pay their fair share of taxes. Well, she paid no state income tax in the past two years, and only paid $771 in federal taxes, even though she's a millionaire. Apparently 'hypocrite' is not the only Greek word that begins with 'H.'" —Jay Leno
"You all know who Mary Carey is? She's the porn star who's running for governor, and she has this Web site where she does naked jumping jacks. You know, I think I speak to most guys when I say, 'Yeah, that's all well and good, but where does she stand on the issues?' ... Actually, Carey said today she's offered to debate six guys, all at the same time." —Jay Leno
"I'll tell you where this recall is really causing problems — over at 'Hollywood Squares.' There are so many B and C-level celebrities running for governor, they had to shut down production." —Jay Leno
"An NBC News poll has found that if the election were held today, 31% of California voters would vote for Arnold Schwarzenegger and 26% were not sure. Today Gray Davis announced he is changing his name to 'Not Sure.'" —Jay Leno
"Elections officials here in California are concerned that having 247 candidates would require a ballot so long it would be difficult to count. Today in Florida they said, 'What? You count the ballots?'" —Jay Leno
"Arnold Schwarzenegger has hired billionaire Warren Buffett as his senior economic advisor. And not to be outdone Gary Coleman announced his senior economic adviser will be Thurston Howell the Third." —Conan O'Brien
"Have you heard of this porn star named Mary Carey who is running for governor? Carey is running on a platform of taxing breast implants, which, of course, are California's largest natural resource." —Jay Leno
"One of the candidates running for governor is a 100-year-old woman. Yeah, the 100-year-old says she'd like to recall Governor Gray Davis, but more importantly, she'd like to recall where she left her teeth." —Conan O'Brien
"Here in California, one candidate for governor is a 100-year-old woman. She's going door-to-door and asking one simple question — 'Do I live here?'" —Craig Kilborn
"As if this whole thing isn't confusing enough, election officials announced this week that the alphabet on the ballot will begin with the letter R, then W, then Q. You know, even Sesame Street is laughing at California now." —Jay Leno
"Today the Secretary of State said that of the 247 candidates, so far 115 of them have been certified. How embarrassing is that? Imagine if you were turned down because you didn't meet the high standards set by Larry Flynt and Gallagher." —Jay Leno
"As of today, Arnold Schwarzenegger has filed to run for governor, Gary Coleman has filed, Gallagher has filed, Larry Flynt, Angelyne — I don't know if it's an election or a bad episode of 'Hollywood Squares.'" —Jay Leno
"California has gone insane. According to the latest poll, Arnold Schwarzenegger is leading in California's governor's race by 34 points. You can tell that Governor Gray Davis is worried because he spent all day yesterday working on his pecs." —Conan O'Brien
"Larry Flynt, the founder of Hustler, he's running for governor. You know what his campaign slogan is? 'A smut peddler who cares.' Today Bill Clinton said, 'Hey, that was my slogan.'" —Jay Leno
"I love all these politicians, they all say the same thing — 'We'll give California back to the people.' Yeah, great, now that it's not worth anything, they want to give it back to us." —Jay Leno
"All nine Democratic presidential candidates have come out in support of Gray Davis. Today in Disneyland, all seven dwarves came out for Gary Coleman." —Jay Leno
"More problems today for Governor Gray Davis. It seems the California Highway Patrol caught Davis' motorcade going 94 miles per hour in a 55. They thought he was trying to make a run for the border." —Jay Leno
"Gallagher the Comedian began campaigning over the weekend. It didn't go well. I guess he kissed three babies and hit four people over the head with that Sledge-o-matic thing." —Jay Leno
"Hustler publisher Larry Flynt and adult film star Mary Carey, they're also running. See you know what bothers me about the two of them? See, this could split the all-important porn vote." —Jay Leno
"On the Democratic side, our Lieutenant Governor Cruz Bustamante is also running. Have you ever heard of him before? Doesn't that sound like some sickness you get on one of those carnival cruises? Hey pass me the Pepto Bustamante." —Jay Leno
"It looks like it's going to be Arnold Schwarzenegger or Gray Davis. You got a robot from the future or a robot with no future." —Jay Leno
"Now see, a lot of critics are saying Arnold can't get elected because he's just an ambitious guy with a famous name, who doesn't know anything about running the government. Didn't hurt George Bush." —Jay Leno
"Experts say with all the media attention centered on the governor's race, it threatens to turn the Kobe Bryant trial into a dignified proceeding." —Craig Kilborn
"Ladies and gentleman, California has gone insane. Gary Coleman has announced that he's running for governor of California. Unfortunately for Coleman, California has a sign that says, 'You must be this tall to run for governor.'" —Conan O'Brien
"You know what's really disappointing? The negative campaigning has started already. There's whispers about steroid use, lying, womanizing — and that's just for Gary Coleman. ... Former child star Gary Coleman has announced his candidacy. His slogan is not good — 'Whatcha talkin' about California?' ... I guess Gary Coleman was campaigning today down at the Glendale Galleria. No, I'm sorry, he's still working there as a security guard." —Jay Leno
"Basically what's happening here in California is Arnold Schwarzenegger is running for governor against Gary Coleman. ... Arnold is promising to 'clean house' in Sacramento and Gary Coleman's last job was cleaning house in Sacramento." —Bill Maher
"Arianna Huffington's former husband Michael — he's the gay ex-congressman — he has endorsed Arnold. So this is the second time he's left Arianna for another man." —Jay Leno
"Yesterday, Arnold Schwarzenegger announced he would run for governor of California. The announcement was good news for Florida residents who now live in the second flakiest state in the country." —Conan O'Brien
"Apparently Arnold was inspired by President Bush, who proved you can be a successful politician in this country even if English is your second language." —Conan O'Brien
"Well, Governor Gray Davis has a plan now to grab back the spotlight. That plan involves a young girl, a hotel room, and a big diamond ring." —Craig Kilborn
"Gray Davis got some good news this week: the Clintons are out here in California campaigning for him. Actually, Hillary is campaigning for Davis, Bill is out here for Larry Flynt." —Jay Leno
"Here's how bad California looks to the rest of the country. People in Florida are laughing at us." —Jay Leno
"Hustler magazine publisher Larry Flint is also running for governor. I don't know, on election day, do you really want supporters of Larry Flint going into a curtained booth by themselves?" —Jay Leno
"You know who should run for governor of California? Mike Tyson. He's built like Schwarzenegger, he spends like Davis, and he sounds like Barbara Boxer." —Jay Leno
"Governor Gray Davis has asked the California state Supreme Court to delay the October recall vote because he says that's not enough time to put on a fair election. Hey, let me tell you something. If we didn't need a fair election to pick the president of the United States, we don't need a fair election to pick the governor of California." —Jay Leno
"When we finally have this recall election in October, there could be as many as 200 people on the ballot. And you know what's really scary? Most of them don't know the first thing about driving a state into bankruptcy. They're not experts like Governor Gray Davis." —Jay Leno
"Larry Flynt, running for governor of California. His goal — change our state bird to the spread eagle." —Craig Kilborn
"Larry Flynt has filed the necessary papers to run for the recall election we're having here in California. Larry said he decided to run when the election seemed just like one of his magazines, Barely Legal." —Bill Maher
"You know who else has entered the governor's race? Hustler publisher Larry Flint. Well that's a smile to critics who claim this recall is nothing but a big circus. Larry Flint as governor. Suddenly Senator Jerry Springer doesn't sound so bad." —Jay Leno
"Why would Larry Flint want to leave the porno industry and get into something sleazy like politics?" —Jay Leno
"Attorneys for California Governor Gray Davis have filed a lawsuit to delay an October recall election. One attorney of Davis said she thought it was both unfair and unconstitutional, which is lawyer-talk for, 'Pfff, our guy's screwed.'" —Jay Leno
"Governor Davis has asked the California Supreme Court to put his name on the ballot with the other candidates seeking to replace him. He wants to be on the ballot. How stupid is that? 'I seek to replace me with me. I wish to replace myself.' To which Saddam Hussein said, 'You can do that?'" —Jay Leno
"As you may have heard, former President Bill Clinton says he's coming here to California to help Governor Gray Davis in his recall election campaign. Which is ironic, isn't it? When Clinton was president, he couldn't recall anything." —Jay Leno
"You know, something like 90 people who have now filed to run for governor in this recall election. They say there could be as many as 200 people on the ballot. You know, it's really easy to run here in California. All you need is like a couple of signatures, not many, thirty-five hundred bucks, you're on the ballot, like that. I mean, what does it say about California? We have stricter requirements to get on 'American Idol' than we do to run for governor." —Jay Leno
"Arnold Schwarzenegger has still not officially bowed out of this race. It looks like he's not gonna run. But I'll tell ya, if Arnold does run, he better get on the ballot, because you don't want a write-in with a name like Arnold Schwarzenegger. Because people will go — 'Schwarz, schwarz, oh Davis is easier.'" —Jay Leno
"Gray Davis said this recall has gotten his juices flowing again. That was his exact quote. It was reported today that former President Bill Clinton is going to come to California to help Davis in his recall election campaign. And believe me, if anyone can show Davis how to keep those juices flowing, it is Bill Clinton." —Jay Leno
"There was also talk of bringing Al Gore to California to help out, but there was concern that Gray Davis and Al Gore in the same state would cause some kind of rolling personality blackout." —Jay Leno
"I don't want to say Gray Davis is on the run, but today he released an audiotape on the Al Jazeera network from his underground bunker somewhere in the Sacramento area." —Jay Leno
"You know what the reward is to capture Saddam. You don't even need to capture Saddam, just say where he is. It's $25 million. This is what I love about our priorities. We spend $25 million trying to get rid of Saddam Hussein. The Republicans spend $50 million trying to get rid of Gray Davis. It doesn't seem quite right." —Jay Leno
"California Governor Gray Davis visited an elementary school here in Los Angeles where he taught a class. I don't want to say he was unpopular but the kids gave him a wedgie and stuffed him in a locker." —Jay Leno
"I went to see the Terminator movie the other night. Every time Arnold Schwarzenegger came on the screen this guy in front of me went 'Booo! Booo!' and was throwing stuff. I had to say 'Governor Davis just shut up and sit down!'" —Jay Leno
"As I'm sure you know, Gray Davis is the first governor is California history to face a recall election. In fact, when Davis got the news about the recall, he was surrounded by his loved ones: fifty electric company executives." —Jay Leno
"(Gray) Davis said yesterday that he is going to fight like a Bengal tiger, which I believe is also an endangered species." —Jay Leno
"California's economy is declining so rapidly that candidates are asking 'Are you better off now then you were four minutes ago?'" —Craig Kilborn
"There's all this talk about Arnold Schwarzenegger. Well, you know where he is now? Visiting Mexico, which I think means that he is definitely going to run for governor. Arnold is smart. He's in Mexico campaigning with the very people who'll be living here by election time." —Jay Leno
"Republican Congressman Darrell Issa funded the recall campaign with money he made selling car alarms. So this isn't the first time annoying millions of people for him." —Craig Kilborn
"Another hot day in California. It was so hot I actually saw a mirage. It was a Gray Davis supporter, I couldn't believe it." —Jay Leno
"President Bush has promised to rebuild Iraq after he's done destroying the country. Now if we could get Governor Gray Davis to promise to rebuild California after he's done destroying it." —Jay Leno
"Things not looking good here in California. Unemployment: 9-year high at 6.4 percent. In fact, the way this recall thing is going, unemployment's gonna get a little higher real soon. Well, proponents of this election to recall governor Gray Davis claim they have 988,000 signatures. I didn't realize that so many Californians spoke English" —Jay Leno
"According to today's Los Angeles Times, Gray Davis now gets negative job ratings from white people, black people, Latinos, Republicans, Independents and even Democrats. Say what you want about the guy but he's a uniter!" —Jay Leno
"The leader of Iran has offered to resign because so many citizens are angry with his government. He told the people, 'If you don't want me, then I will just go.' Today Governor Gray Davis said 'Hey, Shut up! Quit saying that!'" —Jay Leno
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-28-2007, 08:58 AM:
Rated G Lorraine
Shortly after crossing the Florida state line on a Sunday afternoon, I encountered a traffic jam caused by a crew painting white lines on the highway. I turned my CB radio on to hear if I could determine from the truckers what lane I should be in. In the midst of some unprintable comments, I heard this gem spoken with a deep Southern accent: "They've had all year to do nothing. They didn't do it, and now they're doing it again."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-13-2007, 11:37 AM:
Rated G B.B. South Carolina
Murrels Inlet, S.C., bills itself as the "Seafood Capital of South Carolina." It has so many seafood restaurants that it is hard to decide which one to choose. My wife and I were trying to do just that when we came upon, of all things, a steakhouse. It seemed busy, perhaps because it had adapted to its environment. A sign out front read: "Catch of the Day -- COW!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-18-2007, 01:05 PM:
Rated G Weird and not yet repealed laws:
CALIFORNIA It is illegal to set a mousetrap without a hunting license.
Women may not drive in a house coat.
FLORIDA It is illegal to sing in a public place while attired in a swimsuit.
Men may not be seen publicly in any kind of strapless gown.
OHIO Women are prohibited from wearing patent leather shoes in public.
It is illegal to get a fish drunk.
KANSAS Pedestrians crossing the highways at night must wear tail lights.
No one may catch fish with his bare hands.
OKLAHOMA Violators can be arrested and/or jailed for making ugly faces at a dog.
State law prohibits anyone taking a bite out of another's hamburger.
ALABAMA It is illegal to wear a fake moustache that causes laughter in church.
Boogers may not be flicked into the wind. (Really)
NEW YORK It is against the law to throw a ball at someone's head for fun.
The penalty for jumping off a building is death.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 05-16-2007, 11:30 AM:
Rated gt Texas
The latest telephone poll by the office of the Govenor of Texas asked whether people who live in Texas thinhk illegal immigration is a serious problem,
A) 35% of respondents answered:
"Yes, it is a serious problem."
B) 65% of the respondents answered:
"No es una problema serio."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-13-2007, 12:42 PM:
Rated G Tony in Old Lyme, CT. Texas
A cowboy is driving down a back road in Texas and he sees a sign in front of a restaurant.......
Happy Hour Special... LOBSTER TAIL AND BEER
"Lord almighty" he says to himself, "my three favorite things!!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-20-2007, 08:43 PM:
Rated G Lorraine
How do Minnesotans decide where to retire?
They tie a snow shovel to the back of their RV, drive south, and when people start asking "What's that thing?" they know they've gone far enough!