This is topic Canadians eh! in forum Bob Maar's Joke-A-Thon at Film-Tech Forum ARCHIVE.
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Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 09-06-2001, 12:41 PM:
Rated G 
You can tell your Canadian if you:
1. You stand in "line-ups" at the movie, not lines.
2. You're not offended by the term, "Homo Milk"
3. You understand the phrase, "Could you please pass me a serviette, I just spilled my poutine"
4. You eat chocolate bars instead of candy bars.
5. You drink pop, not soda.
6. You know what it means to be on pogey.
7. You know that a mickey and 2-4's mean "Party at the camp,eh!!"
8. You don't hold your hand on your breast when you sing the national anthem.
9. You can drink legally while still a 'teen.
10.You know that francophones, anglophones and allophones are not electronic devices.
11.You talk about the weather with strangers and friends alike.
12.You don't know or care about the fuss with Cuba, it's just a cheap place to travel to and has good cigars.
13. When there is a social problem, you turn to your government to fix it instead of telling them to stay out of it.
14. You're not sure if the leader of your nation has EVER had sex and don't want to know if he has!
15. You get milk in bags as well as cartons and plastic jugs.
16. Pike is a type of fish, not some part of a highway.
17. You drive on a highway, not a freeway.
18. You sit on a couch not a chesterfield - that is some small town in Quebec!
19. You know what a Robertson screwdriver is.
20. You have Canadian Tire money in your kitchen drawers.
21. You know that Mounties "don't always look like that."
22. You read rather than scanned this list.
23. You don't get pissed up on 5 American beers, eh ?!" 
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 09-06-2001, 12:44 PM:
Rated G 
Two hunters hire a small plane to take them to a remote area of Canada.
Upon dropping off the hunters, the pilot tells them, "Remember only one moose, because the plane wouldn't be able to take off with more weight than that."
The hunters go off.
A week later when the plane returns to pick them up the two hunters are standing by the lake with two moose.
The pilot fumes, "I told you guys only one moose, you'll have to leave one because we won't be able to take off with that much weight."
"Oh, c'mon," beg the two hunters, "Last year the pilot let us take two moose on, you're just a chicken."
Not wanting to be accused of being a coward, the pilot allows the two to bring both moose on the craft.
The plane starts across the lake, straining to take off. The pilot tries and tries to no avail as they run out of room and the plane crashes into the trees at the end of the lake.
A while later after coming to one of the hunters gets up and looks at all the scattered debris of the wreck and says, "Where are we?"
To which the other hunter replies, "Oh, I'd say about a hundred yards further than last year."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 09-06-2001, 12:49 PM:
Rated G 
A German man, a Canadian man and a Newfie decided that they were going to cross the Sahara desert. In order to make preparations for the trip the English man made a list of what they would need to bring. It was decided that the German man would bring all the food. The Canadian man would bring several barrels of water. He then told the Newfie to bring any other items he felt would benifit them on there trip.
The next day the three men arrived at the desert. The German man had four crate fulls of the most delicous food. The Canadian man had four barrels of the most pure water. The two then noticed that the Newfie was pulling a large bag. "And what did you bring?" asked the Canadian man. "Well", said the Newfie pulling out a car door, "I brought a car door so that when it gets real hot we can roll down the window!"
You should note it only took me 2 and a half years to correct my error. ![[Smile]](smile.gif)
[ 01-12-2004, 05:43 PM: Message edited by: Bob Maar ]
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 09-06-2001, 01:17 PM:
Rated G
Top 10 Reasons your Canadian
1) Almost every tea towel in your house featured Robbie Burns.
2) You likely share the same first name as your Father, Grandfather and Great Grandfather.
3) The word "girl" was a two syllable word pronounced { GUR ~ ull }
4) While some kids played soccer, you played at "fit ba".
5) You gladly received "Oor Wullie" and "The Broons" every year from aunts and uncles you don't even remember.
6) You absolutely “lose it” when people refer to your heritage as “Scotch”.
7) A source of entertainment was watching one of your parents drink warm beer and actually enjoy it.
8) Your teeth are permanently damaged from eating "Rock Candy" as a child.
9) Your friends ask you why your parents are yelling and screaming at you and you don't know what your friends mean?
10) At the restaurant, when the bill comes, everyone in your family looks to the ground and quietly whistles.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-17-2002, 09:52 AM:
Rated G 
Subject: FW: Two guys from Toronto
Two guys from Toronto die and wake up in hell. The next day the devil stops in to check on them and sees them dressed in parkas, mittens and toques warming themselves around the fire.
The devil asks them, "What are you doing? Isn't it hot enough for you?"
The two guys reply, "Well, you know, we're from Canada, the land of snow and ice and cold. We're just happy for a chance to warm up a little bit, eh."
The devil decides that these two aren't miserable enough and turns up the heat. The next morning he stops in again and there they are, still dressed in parkas, toques and mittens.
The devil asks them again, "It's awfully hot down here, can't you guys feel it?"
Again the two guys reply, "Well, like we told ya yesterday, we're from Canada, the land of snow and ice and cold. We're just happy for a chance to warm up a little bit, eh."
This gets the devil a little steamed up and he decides to fix these two guys. He cranks the heat up as high as it will go. The people are wailing and screaming everywhere. He stops by the room with the two guys from Canadaand finds them in light jackets and bucket hats, grilling sausage and drinking beer.
The devil is astonished, "Everyone down here is in abject misery, and you two seem to be enjoying yourselves."
The two Canadians reply, "Well, ya know, we don't get too much warm weather up there in Toronto so we've just got to have a cook-out when the weather's THIS nice."
The devil is absolutely furious, he can hardly see straight. Finally he comes up with the answer. The two guys love the heat because they have been cold all their lives. The devil decides to turn all the heat off in hell. The next morning, the temperature is below zero, icicles are hanging everywhere; people are shivering so bad that they are unable to do anything but wail, moan and gnash their teeth. The devil smiles and heads for the room with the two Canadians. He gets there and finds them back in their parkas, toques, and mittens. NOW they are jumping up and down, cheering,
yelling and screaming like mad men!!!
The devil is dumbfounded, "I don't understand, when I turn up the heat you're happy. Now it's freezing cold and you're still happy. What is wrong with you two???"
The Torontonians look at the devil in surprise, "Well, don't you know? If hell freezes over, it must mean the Leafs have won the Stanley Cup."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-22-2002, 02:41 PM:
Rated PG Sent to me by a Canadian Cousin -
I am Canadian!!
Did you hear about the war between the American Rednecks and the Canadian Rednecks. The Americans Rednecks were lobbing hand grenades; the Canadian Rednecks were pulling the pins and throwing them back.
In Canada we have two Seasons...six months of winter and six months of poor snowmobiling.
One day an Englishman, an American Redneck, and a Canadian Redneck walked into a pub together. They proceeded to each buy a bottle of Molson Canadian. Just as they were about to enjoy their beer three flies landed in each of their bottles. The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust. The American redneck fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing had happened. The Canadian Redneck picked the fly out of his drink and started shaking it over the bottle, yelling, "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT!!!!"
TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN BRITISH COLUMBIA
WEED
You can throw a rock and hit three Starbucks locations
The local hero is a pot-smoking snowboarder
TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN ALBERTA
The Premier is a fat, wife-beating alcoholic with a grade 4 education
You can exploit almost any natural resource you can think of.
You can attempt to murder your rich oil tycoon husband and get away with it.
TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN SASKATCHEWAN
You never run out of wheat
Cruise control takes on a whole new meaning.
Your province is really easy to draw.
It takes you two weeks to walk to your neighbour's house.
TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN MANITOBA
The only province to violently rebel against the federal government
You can be an Easterner or a Westerner depending on your mood.
Because of your liscense plate, you are still "friendly" even when you cut someone off.
TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN ONTARIO
You live in the center of the universe
Your grandparents sold booze to the States during Prohibition.
Your $400,000 home in Toronto is actually a dump.
TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN QUEBEC
The only province to ever kidnap federal politicians.
Racism is socially acceptable.
Your hockey team is made up entirely of dirty French guys
NON-smokers are the outcasts.
TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN NEW BRUNSWICK
You're poor, but not as poor as the Newfies
You have French people, but they don't want to kill you.
Everybody has a Grandfather who runs a lighthouse.
Just as charming as Maine, but with more unemployed fishermen
TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN NOVA SCOTIA
The only place in North America to get bombed in the war... by a moron who set a munitions ship on fire.
Your province is shaped like male genitalia.
If someone asks if you're a Newfie, you are allowed to kick their heads in.
The province that produced Rita MacNeil, the world's largest land mammal.
You are the reason Anne Murray makes money.
You can pretend you have Scottish heritage as an excuse to wear a kilt.
Even though it smells like dead sea animals, Halifax is considered Canada's most beautiful city.
TOP REASONS TO LIVE ON PRINCE EDWARD ISLAND
Even though more people live on Vancouver Island, you still got the jumbo bridge
You can walk across the province in half an hour.
You were probably once an extra on "Road to Avonlea"
Tourists arrive, see the "Anne of Green Gables" house, then promptly leave
You can confuse ships by turning your porch lights on and off at night
TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN NEWFOUNDLAND
If Quebec Seperates, you will float off to sea
You understand the meaning of Great Big Sea's lyrics
You are credited with many great inventions, like the solar-powered flashlight and the screen door for submarines
It is socially acceptable to wear your hip waders on your wedding day
Reasons not to Bomb Canada
The bomb costs more than Canada.
Canada will eventually become a US state.
Hockey players would have no place to call home.
The snow would melt and would flood the Earth.
It would take more than 10 minutes. (Much too long)
Signs that You're Too Much Of a Maritimer
Any party you have ever attended has ended up in the kitchen.
You know what two provinces are joined by the fixed link.
You don't think you have an accent.
You'd rather cut one of your kidneys out with a spoon than drink a Labatt's Blue
You know where Magnetic Hill is.
You liked Great Big Sea and/or the Irish Descendants before they made it 'big'
You think that "Barrett's Privateers" is the epitome of culture.
You're not sure what an epitome is.
Your favorite beer is either Alpine or Keith's, but you'll drink a Moosehead if it's the only thing left.
Signs You're Canadian
You only know three spices: salt, pepper and ketchup.
You design your Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit
You have more miles on your snowblower than your car
Canadian Tire on any Saturday is busier than the toy stores at Christmas
You live in a house that has no front step, yet the door is one meter above the ground
You've taken your kids trick-or-treating in a blizzard
Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled in with snow
You owe more money on your snowmobile than your car
The local paper covers national and international headlines on 2 pages, but requires 6 pages for hockey
Your snowblower gets stuck on the roof
You find -40C a little chilly
You perk up when you hear the theme from "Hockey Night in Canada"
You thought "Grumpy Old Men" was a documentary
Posted by Leo Enticknap (Member # 534) on 03-04-2002, 10:21 AM:
Quote from an Australian comedian on the 'Today' programme driving to work this morning (and whose name I didn't catch):'The English are the only people who understand our humour. The Americans don't because they have no sense of irony. The South Africans are now so politically correct that they no longer understand the meaning of the word 'joke'. And as for Canadians... well, they are the joke!'
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-26-2002, 08:41 AM:
Rated R Two Canadians are taking a long trip.
They decide to play twenty questions to pass the time.
The first Canadian thinks of a word, "moose cock", and the second Canadian begins asking the questions.
The first question was "Is it something good to eat?".
So the first Canadian snickers a bit and then says,"...well, I guess....it..could be......".
And the second Canadian asks: "Is it moose cock?"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-29-2002, 01:57 PM:
Rated PG THE FOX HAT
The Prime Minister of Canada, Jean Chretien, is making an official state visit to Moose Jaw, Saskatchewan.
All the locals are quite excited to have the Prime Minister come to their town for the first time ever, and they've prepared quite a welcome for him.
When he steps off of the plane, everyone is quite taken aback to see the P.M., while dressed otherwise quite normally, looking especially resplendent in a magnificent fox hat - like a Daniel Boone coonskin, only made of fox.
The cameras are clicking away as he steps off the plane.
After the official greetings are over, and the mayor of Moose Jaw has a private moment with the P.M. away from the cameras and onlookers, he finally unleashes his curiosity.
"Excuse me, Mr. Prime Minister, but I must ask. I have never seen you wearing this magnificent fox hat before, and I wonder why you chose to wear it to our humble town?"
The P.M. replies: "Well, monsieur mayor, eh, 'dat is quite simple, you see. When I was leaving da 'ouse dis morning, I said to my wife, Aline, I said, 'Aline, I am going to Moose Jaw for dah firs' time today! Do you thank I should wear uh anythang speshal in honour of dis inaugural visit?'
And Aline,my wife,she said to me 'Moose Jaw? Where da fock's 'at?'"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-30-2002, 01:54 PM:
Rated G Yesterday, scientists for Health Canada suggested thatmen should take a look at their beer consumption,considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.
The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women.
To test the finding, 100 men were fed 6 pints of beereach.
It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing and refused to apologize when wrong.
No further testing is planned.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 05-10-2002, 01:13 PM:
Rated R A guy goes to the doc complaining about his small penis.
He asks the patient what kind of beer he drinks and he replies Canadian beer.
"Well, there's your problem. Canadian beer tends to shrink sexual organs. Try some good American beer."
So, a couple of months later he comes back for a follow up all smiling and happy.
The doctor asks him how the treatment was going and the guy says "Great! I've got the wife drinking the Canadian beer."
Posted by James Morton (Member # 1299) on 05-29-2002, 04:46 PM:
The power of the US Navy
This is the transcript of the ACTUAL radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland.
Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees the South to avoid a collision.
Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees the North to avoid a collision.
Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.
Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.
Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 09-05-2002, 06:48 AM:
Rated G Is Canada More Jedi Than Thou?
QUEBEC, CA (AheadOfNews.com) - A recent government census in Australia revealed that over 70,000 people in that country now claim "Jedi" as their religion. While some estimate that many people just like the sound of that, and aren't "real" Jedis, even the skeptics are surprised at the growth of the Jedi faith.
A new Canadian poll, however, shows that the Australian results may be nothing, by comparison with Canada. Adrienne Clarkson, Governor General of Canada, says "Over 12 percent of Canadians, both English speaking and French speaking, now number themselves among the Jedi."
Nobody knows why the Jedi faith appeals to Canadians so much, or how many of them are actually serious about it.
Perhaps a sign of the times, even Prime Minister Jean Chretien now closes his staff meetings with "May the Force be with you."
Rumor has it Yoda is unofficial advisor to Prime Minister Jean Chretien.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-30-2002, 09:51 PM:
Rated PG Did you hear that Canadian Prime Minister Jean Chretien got a belly button ring?
He heard U.S. President Bush had a Dick Cheney
(chain-y for those of you who have trouble with homonyms)
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-21-2002, 09:24 AM:
Rated G
"A Canadian agency is reporting that the number of obese Canadians is rising rapidly. Those Canadians--always trying to copy us.... But the good news for Canadians: 280 pounds Canadian is only 180 pounds American."
--Jay Leno
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-23-2002, 06:37 PM:
Rated PG
REVENUE CANADA - TAXATION DEPARTMENT (Pecker Checker Division)
ATTENTION: All Male Taxpayers
Subject: Notice of increase in tax payments
DearSir:
The only thing Revenue Canada Taxation has not yet taxed is your "ding-dong".That is due to the fact that 40% of the time,it is hanging around unemployed:20% of the time it is pissed off:30% of the time it is hard up,and 10% of the time it is in the hole.On top of this,it has two (2) dependents and they're both nuts.Accordingly, by May 1st 2003,your ding-dong will be taxed according to its size.
To determine your category, please insert this information on Page 2. Section 7. Line 3 of your standard T1 tax forms:
10 - 12 inches Luxury Tax $30.00
8 - 10 inches Pole Tax 25.00
6 - 8 inches Privilege Tax 15.00
4 - 6 inches Nuisance Tax 5.00
Anyone under four inches is eligible for a refund: anyone
exceeding twelve inches must file under Capital Gain.
PLEASE do NOT request an extension.
Yours very truly,
REVENUE CANADA - TAXATION
Hugh E. Rection
Pecker Checker ![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-09-2003, 11:08 AM:
Rated G
You Know You're Canadian When:
You design your Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
You have more miles on your snow blower than your car.
Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled in with snow.
The local paper covers national and international headlines on two pages, but requires six pages for hockey.
The municipality buys a Zamboni before a bus.
You eat chocolate bars, not candy bars, and drink pop, not soda.
You use a red pen on your non-Canadian textbooks and fill in the missing u's from labor, honor, and color.
You know how to say free, prize and no sugar added in French thanks to your extensive education in bilingual cereal packaging.
You know what a toque is.
You've plugged a car in overnight.
You've defended your property from trespassers with a lacrosse stick because you don't own a gun.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-09-2003, 11:12 AM:
Rated G Canadian Drivers
The automobile companies put black boxes in cars (like they have in planes) to record people's last words as they crashed into things and died. In the U.S., the last words were mostly, "Oh no!" ...Kind of what you would expect.
But in Canada, it was a different story. Most of them said right before they died,"Take my beer. Watch this!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-14-2003, 03:21 PM:
Rated G Signs You're A Canadian Idol
CTV
A nation-wide search for a Canadian solo superstar is on. CTV, together with FremantleMedia / 19TV, announced today it will develop, produce and broadcast “CANADIAN IDOL,” a new series that will make its debut on CTV in 2003.
-October 16, 2002
The Ford Focus that they force you to drive
has a plug hanging out of the hood.
When Paula Abdul tells you what she thinks of your performance,
she seems abrasive and blunt -- at least compared to most people you know.
Your first big single is called, "A Moment Like This, Eh?"
After winning the title of "Canadian Idol," you celebrate by going out for a big Chinese meal. And it sucks.
When you first see Randy Jackson, you wonder where a person could get such a deep, dark tan.
That Brian Dunkleman seems like one sophisticated, funny guy!
You think there should be exceptions to the ban on the death penalty, but only for Simon.
One word: Literacy.
At some point in your past, somebody actually taught you how to drive safely.
Your "million dollar record contract" gets paid to you in Monopoly money.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-14-2003, 03:26 PM:
Rated PG You know you're Canadian when...
1 You stand in "line-ups" at the movie, not lines. - from Moody
2 You're not offended by the term, "Homo Milk" - from Brad
3 You understand the phrase, "Could you please pass me a serviette, I just spilled my poutine" - from Brad
4 You eat chocolate bars instead of candy bars. - from Brad
5 You drink pop, not soda. - from Brad
6 This doesn't bother you at all. - from Brad
7 You know what it means to be on pogey. - from Brad
8 You know that a mickey and 2-4's mean "Party at the camp, eh!!" - from Brad
9 You can drink legally while still a 'teen. - from Brad
10 You talk about the weather with strangers and friends alike. - from Brad
11 You don't care about the fuss with Cuba, it's a cheap place to travel with good cigars and no Americans. - from Brad
12 You get milk in bags as well as cartons and plastic jugs. - from Brad
13 Pike is a type of fish, not some part of a highway. - from Brad
14 You drive on a highway, not a freeway. - from Moody
15 You know what a Robertson screwdriver is. - from Moody
16 You have Canadian Tire money in your kitchen drawers. - from Moody
17 Canadian Tire on any Saturday is busier than the toy stores at Christmas. - from Moody
18 You know that Thrills are something to chew and "taste like soap". - from Moody
19 You know that Mounties "don't always look like that" - from Moody
20 You know that the Friendly Giant isn't a vegetable product line. - from Moody
21 You know that Casey and Finnegan are not a Celtic musical group. - from Moody
22 You are excited whenever an American television show mentions Canada. - from Moody
23 You can do all the hand actions to Sharon, Lois and Bram's "Skin-a-ma-rinky-dinky-doo" - from Moody
24 You were mad when "The Beachcombers" were taken off the air. - from Moody
25 You know what a tuque is. - from Moody
26 You admit Rich Little is Canadian and you're glad Jerry Lewis is not. - from Moody
27 You know Toronto is not a province. - from Moody
28 You never miss "Coaches Corner". - from Moody
29 You know all the words to "If I Had a Million Dollars" - from Moody
30 You know who Ernie Coombs is. - from Moody
31 You remember when Alanis Morisette was "Too Hot To Hold". - from Moody
32 You have memorised the Heritage Foundation's Heritage Moments, including your favourites, "I smell burnt toast, Doctor", "You all know I canna read a word..." and "Kanata". - from Moody
33 You spend sleepless nights wondering if Peter Mansbridge and Wendy Mesley will ever find again the blissful love they once knew. - from Moody
34 You wonder why there isn't a 5 dollar coin yet, because you can really use more change (You are already wearing your pants halfway down your ass and the hair and three layers of skin is worn off the front of your thighs from carrying your pocket money a around). The new coin should have a picture of a musk-ox on it, be the size of a hamburger pattie, and have fifteen different kinds of metals in it, including poutine. - from Moody
35 You know Ashley MacIssac isn't Celtic enough. - from Moody
36 Your backpack has only one Canadian flag sew-on. - from Moody
37 You have been on Speaker's Corner. - from Moody
38 You use a red pen on your non-Canadian textbooks and fill in the missing 'u's from labor, honor, and color. - from Moody
39 You remember "Jodie" from "Today's Special" and wonder why she reads news on CBC. - from Moody
40 You wonder idly if there is some government cover-up of a covert operation behind shifting the shooting location of "X-Files" from British Columbia to California. - from Moody
41 You know that a "Premier" isn't a baby born a few weeks early. - from Moody
42 You design your Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit. - from Moody
43 You live in a house that has no front step, yet the door is one meter above the ground. - from Moody
44 The local paper covers national news on 2 pages, but requires 6 pages for hockey. - from Moody
45 You know 4 seasons: Winter, Still Winter, almost Winter and Construction. - from Moody
46 You understand the Labatt Blue commercials. - from Moody
47 You perk up when you hear the theme from "Hockey Night in Canada" - from Moody
48 You actually get these jokes and forward them to all your Canadian friends. - from Moody
49 You know what stubbies are. - from Tod
50 You get your money from a "Bank Machine" not an "ATM - from Frank
51 When someone asks you for a rye and coke and a ceasar you don’t offer a blank stare. - from Tim E.
52 When your dirty jokes are erased from a joke page about Canadian jokes. - from Guess .
53 You know that watching Mr. Dress-up is not a tranvestite voyeuristic activity. - from spazz
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-15-2003, 07:21 AM:
Rated G
Official Canadian Temperature Conversion Chart
50° Fahrenheit (10° C)
Californians shiver uncontrollably.
Canadians plant gardens
35° Fahrenheit (1.6° C)
Italian Cars won't start
Canadians drive with the windows down
32° Fahrenheit (0 ° C)
American water freezes
Canadian water get thicker.
0° Fahrenheit (-17.8° C)
New York City landlords finally turn on the heat.
Canadians have the last cookout of the season.
-60° Fahrenheit (-51° C)
Mt. St. Helens freezes.
Canadian Girl Guides sell cookies door-to-door
-100° Fahrenheit (-73° C)
Santa Claus abandons the North Pole.
Canadians pull down their ear flaps.
-173° Fahrenheit (-114° C)
Ethyl alcohol Freezes.
Canadians get frustrated when they can't thaw the keg.
-460° Fahrenheit (-273° C)
Absolute zero; all atomic motion stops.
Canadians start saying "cold, eh?"
-500° Fahrenheit (-295° C)
Hell freezes over.
Toronto Maple Leafs win the Stanley Cup.
Which is true?
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-21-2003, 09:48 AM:
Rated G
REVENUE CANADA *T1-SIMPLIFIED TAX FORM
New Simplified Tax Form for 2000 Taxes
1. How much money did you make in 2000?
2. Send it to us.
Posted by Andrew Lee (Member # 1330) on 01-21-2003, 10:56 AM:
How do you get a group of drunk Canadians out of the pool on a hot day?
Ask them to get out.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-25-2003, 01:54 PM:
Rated G
An American is having his (coffee, croissants, bread, butter
and jam) when a Canadian man, chewing gum, sits down next to
him.
The American ignores the Canadian who, nevertheless, starts
a conversation.
Canadian: "You American folk eat the whole bread?"
American (in a bad mood): "Of course."
Canadian: (after blowing a huge bubble)"We don't. In Canada,
we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container,
recycle it, transform them into croissants and sell them to
America." The Canadian has a smirk on his face.
The American listens in silence.
The Canadian persists: "Do you eat jelly with the bread??"
American: "Of Course."
Canadian: (cracking his gum between his teeth and chuckling).
"We don't. In Canada we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then
we put all the peels, seeds,and left overs in containers,
recycle them, transform them into jam and sell the jam to
America."
The American then asks: "Do you have sex in Canada?"
Canadian: "Why of course we do", the Canadian says with a big
smirk.
American: "And what do you do with the condoms once you've
used them?"
Canadian: "We throw them away, of course."
American: "We don't. In America, we put them in a container,
recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them
to Canada."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-25-2003, 01:59 PM:
Rated PG
TOP 10 REASONS TO LIVE IN ONTARIO
1. You live in the center of the universe
2. Your $400,000 Toronto home is actually a dump
3. You and you alone decide who will win the federal election
4. There's no such thing as an Ontario Seperatist
5. Your grandparents sold booze to the States during Prohibition
6. Lots of tourists come to Toronto because they mistakenly
believe it's a cool city
7. The only province with hard-core American-style crime
8. MuchMusic's Speaker's Corner - rant and rave on national TV for a dollar
9. Baseball fans park on your front lawn and pee on the side of your house
10. Mike Harris: basically a sober Ralph Klein
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-25-2003, 02:02 PM:
Rated PG
TOP 10 REASONS TO LIVE IN QUEBEC[/b]
1. Everybody assumes you're an asshole
2. Racism is socially acceptable
3. The only province to ever kidnap federal politicians
4. You can take bets with your friends on which English neighbor will move out next
5. Other provinces basically bribe you to stay in Canada
6. The FLQ
7. Your hockey team is made up entirely of dirty French guys
8. The province with the oldest, nastiest hookers
9. NON-smokers are the outcasts
10. You can blame all your problems on the "Anglo bastards":B
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-25-2003, 02:05 PM:
Rated PG
TOP 10 REASONS TO LIVE IN BRITISH COLUMBIA
1. Weed
2. Vancouver: 1.5 million people and two bridges
3. The local hero is a pot-smoking snowboarder
4. The local wine doesn't taste like malt vinegar
5. Your $400,000 Vancouver home is 5 hours from downtown
6. A university with a nude beach
7. You can throw a rock and hit three Starbucks locations
8. If a cop pulls you over, just offer them some of your hash
9. There's always some sort of deforestation protest going on
10. Cannabis:D
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-25-2003, 02:07 PM:
Rated PG
TOP 10 REASONS TO LIVE IN NOVA SCOTIA
1. The only place in North America to get bombed in the war ...by a moron who set a munitions ship on fire
2. Your province is shaped like male genitalia
3. Everyone is a fiddle player
4. If someone asks if you're a Newfie, you are allowed to kick their ass
5. The local hero is an insane, fiddle playing, sexual pervert
6. The province that produced Rita MacNeil, the world's largest land mammal
7. You are the reason Anne Murray makes money
8. You can pretend you have Scottish heritage as an excuse to wear a kilt
9. The economy is based on fish, lobster, and fiddle music
10. Even though it smells like dead sea animals, Halifax is
considered Canada's most beautiful city:D
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-25-2003, 02:10 PM:
Rated PG
TOP 10 REASONS TO LIVE IN ALBERTA
1. Big Rock
2. Preston Manning
3. Tax is 7 percent instead of approx. 200 percent
4. The Premier is a fat, wife-beating alcoholic with a grade 4 education
5. Flames vs. Oilers
6. Stamps vs. Eskies
7. You can exploit almost any natural resource you can think of
8. Eventually, it will be your town's turn to ban VLT's
9. The Americans below you are all in anti-government militiamgroups
10. You can attempt to murder your rich oil tycoon husband and get away with it:D
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-25-2003, 02:12 PM:
Rated PG
TOP 10 REASONS TO LIVE IN SASKATEWAN
1. You never run out of wheat
2. Those cool Saskatewan Wheat Pool hats
3. Cruise control takes on a whole new meaning
4. Your province is really easy to draw
5. You never have to worry about roll-back if you have a
standard
6. It takes you two weeks to walk to your neighbor's house
7. YOUR Roughriders survived
8. You can watch the dog run away from home for hours
9. People will assume you live on a farm
10. Buying a huge John Deere mower makes sense:D
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-25-2003, 02:15 PM:
Rated PG
TOP 10 REASONS TO LIVE ON PRINCE EDWARD ISLAND
1. Even though more people live on Vancouver Island, you still got the big-ass bridge
2. You can walk across the province in half an hour
3. You were probably once an extra on "Road to Avonlea"
4. This is where all those tiny red potatoes come from
5. The economy is based on fish, potatoes, and CBC TV shows
6. Tourists arrive, see the "Anne of Green Gables" house, then promptly leave
7. You can drive across the the province in two minutes
8. It doesn't matter to you if Quebec separates
9. You don't share a border with the Americans, or with anyone for that matter
10. You can confuse ships by turning your porch lights on and off at night:D
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-25-2003, 02:17 PM:
Rated PG
TOP 10 REASONS TO LIVE IN NEWFOUNDLAND
1. The poorest, stupidest, drunkest province in Confederation
2. If Quebec Seperates, you will float off to sea
3. In the rare case when someone moves to the Rock, you can make them kiss a dead cod
4. The economy is based on fish, seafood, and fish-related
products
5. If you do something stupid, you have a built-in excuse
6. You understand the meaning of Great Big Sea's lyrics
7. The work day is about two hours long
8. You are credited with many great inventions, like the
solar-powered flashlight and the screen door for submarines
9. If someone asks if you're from Nova Scotia, you are allowed to kick their ass
10. It is socially acceptable to wear your hip waders on your
wedding day
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-26-2003, 08:42 AM:
Rated G Dumb Ontario Laws
Cobourg
If you have a water trough in your front yard it must be filled by 5:00 a.m.
Etobicoke
Bylaw states that no more than 3.5 inches of water is allowed in a bathtub.
Gananoque
Homeowners are responsible for clearing snow off of municipal sidewalks.
Guelph
The city is classified as a no-pee zone.
Kanata
The color of house and garage doors is regulated by city bylaws (a purple door get you a fine).
It is also illegal to have a clothes line in your backyard.
You can't work on your car in the street.
Oshawa
It's illegal to climb trees.
Homeowners are responsible for clearing snow off of municipal sidewalks. If sidewalks is not cleaned within 24 hours after a snowfall, city workers will clean it and the cost will be placed on the homeowners tax bill.
Ottawa
It is illegal to eat ice-cream on Bank Street on a Sunday.
Toronto
You can't drag a dead horse down Yonge Street on a Sunday.
Uxbridge
Residents are not allowed to have an Internet connection faster than 56k.
Wawa
You may not paint a ladder as it will be slippery when wet.
It is illegal to show public affection on Sunday.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-26-2003, 10:51 AM:
Rated G
Canada Laws
30% of a radio stations content must be "Canadian Content".
You may not pay for a fifty-cent item with only pennies.
Citizens may not publicly remove bandages.
It is illegal for clear or non-dark sodas to contain caffeine.
No one in Canada may watch or listen to an encrypted broadcast which is not licensed by the Canadian government. This means using US satellite systems such as "DirecTV" is illegal.
It is illegal to kill a sick person by frightening them.
It is illegal to pretend to practice witchcraft.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-26-2003, 10:58 AM:
Rated G
Quebec Laws
It is illegal to turn right on a red light at any time.
Margarine producers can't make their margarine yellow.
All business signs in the province of Quebec must be in French
If the business operator wishes to have English on the sign, the French must be at least twice as large as the English is. There are no laws governing the usage of other languages on signs. -Bill 101 (Passed 1976)
No language other than French is permitted to be shown out doors.
Beaconsfield
It is considered an offense to have more than two colors of paint on your house.
You may not own a log cabin.
Montréal
The Queen Elizabeth Hotel must feed your horse freely when you rent a room.
You may not wash your car in the street.
You may not park a car in such a way that it is blocking your own driveway.
"For Sale" signs are not permitted in the windows of moving vehicles.
Cars parked in public places must be locked, and their windows must be down to less than the width of a hand.
One's rear license plate may not be protected by glass or plastic.
Citizens may not relieve themselves or spit on the street.
Punishable by a fine of over 100 Canadian dollars.
Outremont
Not only do all exterior painting jobs require a permit (for color) but, for instance, the City went to Appeals Court over the exact type of division inside a window frame.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-26-2003, 10:59 AM:
Rated G
Nova Scotia Laws
When raining, a person may not water his/her lawn.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-26-2003, 11:01 AM:
Rated G
New Brunswick Laws
Driving on the roads is not allowed.
[ 03-27-2003, 12:30 PM: Message edited by: Bob Maar ]
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-26-2003, 11:03 AM:
Rated G
Alberta Laws
Businesses must provide rails for tying up horses.
Wooden logs may not be painted.
You may never use dice to play craps.
If you are released from prison, it is required that you are given a handgun with bullets and a horse, so you can ride out of town.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-27-2003, 05:22 PM:
Rated G (Read with Scotch Accent)
A Scottsman was visiting a friend in Canada, both liked to hunt.
They were hunting for deer, when all of a sudden, a moose popped
up in front of them. It was so unexpected, neither of them had a chance to fire.
The Scottsman was shaken. "Hoot mon, wot was that?!!?"
"That was a moose", the Canadian replied.
"A moose? Good Lord, I'd hate to see your Rrots!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-06-2003, 09:10 AM:
Rated G Sue Bee
WELCOME TO NORTHERN ONTARIO,
following are a few tips for anyone moving to this great place...
First, the West Nile fever season here is really short.Ditto,
malaria and any other disease carried by mosquitoes.
At first,you may think snow is pretty. Snow is not pretty! By
December you will feel as if you are living in a black-and-white
movie. And there is a lot of snow! Deep snow! Deep snow that
doesn't go away.The reason Northwest Airlines paints its tails
red is so they can find the damned things.
You will find new loves here. One of them will be underwear that
goes all the way down to your ankles. Any underwear above the
ankle is considered lingerie.
When you pack to come to Northern Ontario,you need only to bring one short-sleeved shirt(and that's only in case you want to fly back home for vacation). Short-sleeved shirts are handed down here from generation.The short-sleeved shirt season here begins July 26 and is pretty much wrapped up by 3:30 on the 28th.
We play a game here called hockey as well. Hockey coaches will
kidnap your children before they even start school,so beware.
They'll return them in April.As for baseball we never know if we
have a team or not.
Northern Ontario has more than 10,000 lakes,hundreds of thousands of miles of rivers and streams, millions of acres of forest,and one Tim Horton's.Guess where everybody wants to go?
And do not call the homicide division to a beer joint because of
what you see behind the bar.That's only a jar of pickled pig's
feet.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-06-2003, 09:32 AM:
Rated G
Norman and his blonde wife live in Prince George which is located in northern British Columbia.
One winter morning while listening to the radio,they hear the announcer say,"We are going to have 3 to 4 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through."
Norman's wife goes out and moves her car.
A week later while they are eating breakfast,the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 4 to 5 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through.
" Norman's'' wife goes out and moves her car again.
The next week they are having breakfast again,when the radio announcer says "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today.
You must park on...... then the electric power goes out.
Norman's wife says, "Honey, I don't know what to do?
Norman say's: Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-06-2003, 01:55 PM:
Rated G The Butcher
Sheldon, butcher just out of trade school in Canada applies for
and gets a job,skinning and cutting up the kills of local
hunters.
The first project he gets is to cut up a moose to put in the freezer.Sheldon finally gets the moose cut up and is putting
it into bags and marking them carefully with the contents: chops,rump steak,ribs,sirloin,etc,etc.When he finishes with the
stuff he knows,he is still left with a pile of unidentifiable
moose parts.
At a loss as to what to do with them,he finally them all into one large bag and labels them .........."Moosellaneous."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-07-2003, 05:15 PM:
Rated G Lorraine
The Michaels family owned a small farm in Canada, just yards away from the North Dakota border.Their land had been the subject of a minor dispute between the United States and Canada for generations.Mrs.Michaels,who had just celebrated her ninetieth birthday,lived on the farm with her son and three grandchildren.
One day,her son came into her room holding a letter. "I just got
some news,Mom," he said."The government has come to an agreement
with the people in Washington.They've decided that our land is
really part of the United States.We have the right to approve or
disapprove of the agreement.What do you think?"
"What do I think?" his mother said."Jump at it!Call them right
now and tell them we accept!I don't think I could stand another
one of those Canadian winters!"
Someone has to warn her: There are no Butter Tartsin the U.S.A. (Much to their REGRET)
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-07-2003, 05:40 PM:
Rated PG Michele
The following appeared recently in the Globe & Mail:
Forget about Dog Bites Man.Relegate Man Bites Dog to the back
pages.Today, we are dealing with Fish Swallows Dog, an item which reaches us by way of Moscow.
The dog was swimming across the Pechora River to join its master
when it vanished,leaving only a ripple.The dog's master,who was
fishing at the time, hauled in his net and found it contained a
giant pike.He looked closely at its mouth and said to himself
(probably)"Thereby hangs a tail."
Yes,it was Fido (or the Russian equivalent).The dog struggled
out after the fish was cut open,and,according to Radio Moscow,
hurled itself at the pike,"barking excitedly."
It is often difficult for fishermen to tell stories about the one that got away.In this case,Radio Moscow notwithstanding, will it be any easier to tell about the one that didn't?
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-10-2003, 03:36 PM:
Rated G
Texas builds it larger
A Texan, while visiting Toronto, found himself in the back seat of a taxi cab on the way to his hotel. Passing by the Royal York the Texan asked the cab driver "What's that building there?" "That's the Royal York Hotel" replied the cabbie. "The Royal York? How long did it take to build that?" asked the Texan. "About 12 years" replied the cabbie.
"12 years? We build 'em twice as high, twice as wide and four times as long down in Texas, and we do that in six months."
A while later the cab driver makes his was past the Metro-Toronto Convention Centre. "What's that building over there?" asked the Texan. "That's the Metro-Toronto Convention Centre" replied the cabbie. "Convention Centre? How long'd it take to build that?" asked the Texan. "About three years" replied the cabbie. "Three years? We build 'em twice as high, three times as long and four times as wide as that down in Texas, and it only takes us about two weeks."
Shortly thereafter the cabbie drives past the CN Tower. "What's that building there?" asks the Texan, pointing at the tower. "Danged if I know" replied the cabbie, "It wasn't here when I drove by yesterday."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-10-2003, 06:21 PM:
Rated G Canadian High
About ten years ago, when I was a student pilot in Gimli, Manitoba I went on a school arranged tour of the Winnipeg tower facility. I got talking with one of the controllers who related this story to me:
Apparently the controllers were getting really annoyed with the Air Canada pilots who regularly flew into Winnipeg. It would seem that the source of the irritation was the tone of voice that these guys were using. They would come on the frequency with the deepest voices you could imagine, saying things like 'This is Air Canada 345 heavy by the Whiskey for runway 18'.
One of the controllers finally had had enough of this sort of affectation and decided to get even one day. He went out and bought a bunch of helium filled balloons… Sure enough, the first Air Canada flight to arrive in the airspace checked in with the big deep pilot voice. The controller took a huge honk of the helium and cleared the flight to land in a voice akin to donald duck wearing very tight shorts!
No one seemed sure how the pilots recacted, but it gave the controllers one heck of a high!
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-27-2003, 10:42 PM:
Rated G
Canadian Wisdom Chant...
I would like to share an old Native Canadian chant. Each year
during the first week of April, the Native Canadians would wake up at sunrise and repeat their chant over and over. They did this powerful chant primarily for three very important reasons:
1. To ensure that their crops are bountiful and will keep them and their families fed all year;
2. To ward off harm/evil;
3. And to gain great wisdom.
It goes like this:
Oooooh waaaaah (pause)
Taaaaa foooooo (pause)
Lie aaaammmm (pause)
Now repeat it without the pause. As you repeat it more often and
more quickly, its message becomes clear and you will become
wise!
Try it. It works very well and very quickly!!!
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-28-2003, 02:33 PM:
Rated G
A Canadian lumber camp advertises for a lumberjack.
A skinny little guy shows up at the camp the next day carrying an axe. The head lumberjack takes one look at the puny little guy and tells him to get lost.
"Give me a chance to show you what I can do," says the skinny guy.
"Okay, see that giant redwood over there?" says the head lumberjack. "Take your axe and cut it down."
The guy heads for the tree, and in five minutes he's knocking on the lumberjack's door.
"I cut the tree down," says the guy.
The lumberjack can't believe his eyes and says, "Where did you learn to chop down trees like that?"
"In the Sahara Forest," says the puny man.
"You mean the Sahara Desert," says the lumberjack.
"Sure......!! That's what they call it now!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-27-2003, 12:29 PM:
Rated PG
Newly issued alcohol warnings
The Toronto Board of Health has proposed that warning signs be placed on all alcohol bottles to tip off drinkers about the possible peril of drinking a pint or two of any alcoholic beverage.
1. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to wake up with a breath that could knock a buzzard off a wreaking dead animal that is one hundred yards away.
2. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot.
3. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to assault you
4. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.
5. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the boss what you really think of him.
6. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burn on the forehead.
7. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Psycho Bob.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-07-2003, 09:40 AM:
Rated G ![[Eek!]](eek.gif)
Hank In Simi Valley
It was announced today that Canada is now prepared to help the United States in its war against terrorism..They have promised to commit 2 of their largest battleships,6,000 armed troops and 60 fighter jets.
However......after the exchange rate, that comes down to a canoe, 2 Mounties and a flying squirrel.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-16-2003, 11:13 AM:
Rated R
Bob, a middle-aged Canadian tourist on his first time in Lincoln, Nebraska, locates the red light district and enters a large brothel.
The madam asks him to be seated and sends over a young lady to entertain the client. They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she gasps and runs away!
Seeing this, the madam sends over a more experienced lady to entertain the gentleman. They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she screams, No!" and walks quickly away!
The madam is surprised that this ordinary-looking man has asked for something so outrageous that her two girls will have nothing to do with it.
She decides that only her most experienced lady, Lola, will do. Lola looks a bit tired, but she has never said no and it doesn't seem likely that anything would surprise her. So the madam sends her over to Bob.
They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she screams, "NO WAY, BUDDY!",smacks him as hard as she can and literally runs away!
Madam is by now absolutely intrigued, having seen nothing like this in all her years of operating a brothel. She hasn't done the bedroom work herself for a long time, but she did it for many years before she got into management. She's sure she has said yes at one time or another to everything a man could possibly ask for. The challenge is irresistible.
She just has to find out what this man has wanted that has made her girls so angry. And she sees a chance she can't pass up to show off to her employees how good she was at what they do.
So she goes over to Bob and says that she's the best in the house and she is available. She sits and talks with him. They frolic a bit, giggle a bit, drink a little, and she sits in his lap. And Bob leans forward and whispers in her ear, "Can I pay in Canadian dollars?"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 05-21-2003, 12:33 PM:
Rated XXX Michele
Bob goes on a blind date with this Canadian chick named Cindy.
Later,after dinner and a movie,Cindy invites Bob up to her
apartment to fool around.
She reclines on the couch, spreads her legs and says, "Stick
a finger in me."
Bob obliges. Then Cindy says, "Stick in the other three."
Once again, Bob obliges. Then Cindy says, "Just go ahead and
shove your whole hand in there."
So Bob eases his hand into Cindy, who then says, "Now shove
in your other hand."
Bob does so, and Cindy says, "Now CLAP!"
Bob tries, but nothing doing. "I can't!" he says.
Cindy looks at him with a smile and says, "Pretty tight, eh?"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 05-30-2003, 01:01 PM:
Rated G
Two cases of SARS in Newfoundland have resulted in death.
One died from a SAR neck and the other from a SAR throat.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-01-2003, 04:23 PM:
Rated G Janine in Peterboro
From an Ottawa newspaper
She was married in Toronto to Thomas Jackson,and to this onion was born three children.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-15-2003, 07:06 AM:
Rated G
Supermarket ad in Toronto newspaper
Ham Sale
Boneless
Shankless
Skinless
Meatless
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-17-2003, 06:46 AM:
Rated G
Pierre, Marie, and their six children lived in a log cabin on the edge of a lake in northern Quebec. One day, Pierre decided he had had enough and set out across the lake in his canoe.
Seeing this, Marie hollered out to him, "Pierre, what are you doing?"
Pierre replied "Woman, I'm leaving you!"
Marie hollered "But Pierre, what about our marriage?"
Pierre replied "To hell with the marriage. Woman, I'm leaving you!" He kept paddling across the lake.
Marie hollered "But Pierre, what about our beautiful cabin?"
Pierre replied "To hell with the cabin. Woman, I'm leaving you!" He kept paddling across the lake.
Marie hollered "But Pierre, what about our beautiful children?"
Pierre replied "To hell with the children. Woman, I'm leaving you!" He kept paddling across the lake.
Then Marie hikes up her skirt, points to her crotch and hollers, "But Pierre, what about this?"
As Pierre slowly turns the canoe around he mumbles,
"Someday I'm going to leave that damn woman."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 07-03-2003, 08:40 AM:
Rated PG Ben in Newmarket
There was this Newfie,while taking his pet for a nightly walk,
decided to drop into the local pub for a beer.
A little while later this big red haird fellow walks in with a
Rottweiller and sat at the bar close to the Newfie.
After his first beer he noticed the Newfie's pet and said what the hell kind of pet is that?,he's real ugly. The newfie said
nothing,not wanting to have any trouble with this guy.
The red head swallowed another beer, then turned to the Newfie and said,I bet my dog can rip that ugly thing of yours to pieces in ten seconds!,and I'll bet $100.00 on it.
The Newfie said I don't want bet.Red said you're too chicken to
take the bet.Newfie said no I just don't want to take your money.Then Red said,I'll bet $200.00 and you better take it or
I'll set my dog on yours anyway.The newfie said,ok put your
money ob the bar first.They throw their money on the bar.
And red say's get him big boy, and his dog jumps on the Newfie's
pet.Then suddenly!the Newfie's pet opens it's mout and with one
chomp!the Rottweiller is cut in half. Red say's what the hell
kind of dog is that?.Well! Said the Newffie, before I cut off
his tail and painted him black,he was an alligator.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 07-06-2003, 08:10 AM:
Rated G Cecil in Richmond Hill
Warning: Beer Contains Female Hormones
Yesterday, scientists for Health Canada suggested that men should
take a look at their beer consumption, considering the results of
a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones
in beer.
The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women.
To test the finding, 100 men were fed 6 pints of beer each. It
was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked
excessively without making sense, became overly emotional,
couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing,
and refused to apologize when wrong.
No further testing is planned.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 07-14-2003, 02:10 PM:
Rated G Sue Bee
Flying home after visiting her daughter in England,she arranged tohave her husband meet her plane at the Vancouver,B.C. airport.
This meant a stop at the border crossing between the United Statesand Canada,where her husband was asked:"What is your reason
for entering the country?" and "How long are you planning to stay?"
He replied that he was picking his wife up at the airport after her trip to England.
Without missing a beat,the guard asked three more questions in
the same business like tone:"Is the house clean?","Are there
fresh flowers on the table?" and "Are the butter tarts fresh?"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 07-14-2003, 02:15 PM:
Rated G Captain Silver
Now that Canadian Gay Marriages have been legalized, here are the new rules:
1) On the day of a gay wedding,it's bad luck for the two grooms
to see each other at the gym.
2) Superstition suggests that,for good luck,the couple should
have:Something bold, omething flirty,something trashy,something dirty.
3) It's customary,at gay and lesbian nuptials,for the parents
to have an open bar during the entire ceremony.
4) Gay wedding tradition dictates that both grooms refrain from
eating any of the wedding cake because it's all carbs and sugar.
5) It's considered bad luck for either of the grooms to have
dated the priest.
6) During the first dance,it's considered unlucky to use glow
sticks,flags,whistles or hand held lasers.
7) For good luck at the union of a drag queen,the bouquet is
always thrown in the face of a hated rival.
8)The reception hall must have a disco ball and at least one go-
go dancer.
9) he wedding singer is not allowed to play/sing Let's Hear It
For the Boy, It's Raining Men, or I Will Survive.
10)The father of the Bottom has to pay for everything!
[ 07-14-2003, 05:48 PM: Message edited by: Bob Maar ]
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 07-16-2003, 06:36 AM:
Rated G
Tourist in Canada: How do you get your lakes so blue?
Park staff: We take the water out in the winter and paint the bottom.
Tourist: Oh. ![[Cool]](cool.gif)
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 07-20-2003, 07:08 AM:
Rated G
A Canadian study shows that smokers seem to have smaller penises,due to the smoking.
Health Canada should take note of that penis study.
There is no doubt that news of reduced size and endurance, if
properly advertised, will end smoking once and for all in the
male population ... of this man hath no greater fear.
To save taxpayers a whole bunch of money, we asked the Page Six
Research and Jingle Division -- currently out stocking up on
nicotine gum and Viagra -- to create some new lines for those
government warnings on cigarette packs.
Here's what came up.
* These cigarettes are king size -- and you're not.
* Smoking sections in restaurants aren't the only things getting
smaller.
* If you don't reduce your smoking, your smoking will reduce you.
* Smoking may lead to ridicule on your honeymoon.
* Smoke rises -- you may not.
* Second-hand smoke can be harmful to children -- if you were
capable of conceiving any.
* Cigarettes get shorter the more you puff -- so do you.
* How can you enjoy a smoke afterwards if there's no before?
* The only thing left after a smoke is a dead stub.
* Don't throw lit cigarettes in the urinal -- you might not have the range to put them out.
* Continue Smoking-- You just put your sex life in your hands.
Posted by Daryl C. W. O'Shea (Member # 1303) on 07-21-2003, 02:40 AM:
Rated F (Family)
An American decided to write a book about famous churches around the world. For his first chapter he decided to write about American churches. So he bought a plane ticket and took a trip to Orlando, thinking that he would work his way across the country from South to North. On his first day he was inside a church taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read"$10,000 per call".
The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for. The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 you could talk to God.
The American thanked the priest and went along his way. Next stop was in Atlanta. There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the same golden telephone with the same sign under it. He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in Orlando and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was. She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 he could talk to God. "O.K., thank you," said the American.
He then traveled to Indianapolis, Washington DC, Philadelphia, Boston,and New York. In every church he saw the same golden telephone with the same "$10,000 per call" sign under it. The American, upon leaving Vermont saw a sign for Canada and decided to see if Canadians had the same phone.
He arrived in Kingston, and again, there was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read "10 cents per call."
The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign. " Father, I've traveled all over America and I've seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to Heaven, but in every state the price was $10,000 per call. Why is it so cheap here?
The priest smiled and answered,
"You're in Canada now son, it's a local call".
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 07-29-2003, 12:04 PM:
Rated G Sue Bee
In Vancouver I drove past a group of concerned parents protesting
the presence of prostitutes in their neighborhood.
They were carrying signs that read, "Keep our street prostitution free!"
They were getting a lot of support from other motorists.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 08-21-2003, 06:33 AM:
Rated G
Shortly after arriving at the University of Washington,I joined
some new friends on a trip to nearby Vancouver,British Columbia. It was my first trip outside the United States.
At the border,a guard asked how long we would stay in Canada.
Knowing it would be after midnight when we returned, I asked,
"How late will we be able to get back across the border?"
"Any time, Ma'am," the guard said. "We never close Canada."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-09-2003, 01:27 PM:
Rated G
You know you're from Ontario, Canada when...
1. "Vacation" means going to Barrie for the weekend.
2. You measure distance in hours.
3. You often switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day.
4. You know several people who have hit deer more than once.
5. You use a down comforter in the summer.
6. Your grandparents drive at 100 km/h through four meters of snow during a blizzard, without flinching.
7. You carry jumper cables in your car and your girlfriend knows how to use them.
8. You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
9. Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled.
10. You know all four seasons: Almost winter, winter, still winter, and construction.
11. You actually understand these jokes and forward them to all your friends from Ontario.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-18-2003, 11:51 AM:
Rated G How Canada Got Named
There were three explorers,hiking through what is now known as Canada.
You know, said one of the explorers, we should name this place were hiking through.
I know, said the second explorer. We'll each pick a letter and then make a name out of that.
Ok, said the third, I'll go first, C,eh.N,eh.D,eh.... and that's how they named Canada.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-01-2003, 03:17 PM:
Rated G Michele
A tourist in Canada celebrated the 4th of July by getting stone
drunk.
He became obnoxious and disorderly,and was hauled into court for
disturbing the peace.
"How do you plead?" the Judge asked.
"Not guilty!" replied the accused.
"How can you plead 'not guilty'? You're drunker than a skunk," the judge said.
"Well, you see,it's like this, your honor.I was only following
orders.When I got into town,there was this big sign that said,
DRINK CANADA DRY.And that's what I did."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-11-2003, 04:40 AM:
Rated G ED in Aurora, Ont.
Two boys are playing hockey on a frozen pond in a Red Deer, Alberta, park when one of the boys is suddenly attacked by a crazed Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy takes his hockey stick, shoves it under the dog's collar, twists it, and breaks the dog's neck, saving his friend.
A reporter is strolling by, sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy. "Young Flames Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal," he starts writing in his notebook.
"But I'm not a Flames fan," the little hero replies.
"Sorry, since we're in Alberta, I just assumed you were," says the reporter and he starts writing again. "Oilers Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack" he writes in his notebook.
"I'm not an Oilers fan either," the boy says.
"Oh, I assumed everyone in Alberta was either for the Flames or the Oilers. What team do you root for?" the reporter asks.
"I'm a Maple Leafs fan," the boy replies.
The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes:
"Little Bastard" From Ontario Kills Beloved Family Pet."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-07-2004, 07:13 AM:
Rated G
A man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket, and asked to buy half a head of lettuce.
The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce.
The man was insistent that the boy asked his manager about the matter.
Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "Some jerk wants to buy half a head of lettuce."
As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added,
"And this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."
The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.
Later the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier.
We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?" "Canada, sir," the boy replied.
"Well, why did you leave Canada?" the manager asked.
The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but hookers and hockey players up there."
"Really?" said the manager. "My wife is from Canada."
"No shit??" replied the boy... "Who'd she play for?"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-11-2004, 08:21 PM:
This site is for Canadians only. If you are an American and you click her you will be embarassed. I of course am different as I am 1/2 & 1/2.
Be Patient it takes a little while to load but worth it.
http://www.cbc.ca/chillybeach/trivia/trivia26.swf
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-12-2004, 05:39 PM:
Rated G Ada in Long Lake
WELFARE APPLICATION GOOFS:
SENTENCES TAKEN FROM ACTUAL LETTERS RECEIVED BY THE TORONTO WELFARE DEPARTMENT FROM APPLICATIONS FOR AID AND ASSISTANCE.
I am forwarding my marriage certificate and six children. I have
seven but one died and was baptized on half sheet of paper.
I am writing to the Welfare Department to say that my baby was
born two years old.When do I get my money?
Mrs.Jones has not had any clothes for a year and has been visitedregularly by the clergy.
I cannot get sick pay.I have six children,can you tell me why?
I am glad to report that my husband who was reported missing is
dead.
This is my eighth child,what are you going to do about it?
Please find for certain if my husband is dead,the man I am living with can't eat or do anything until he finds out.
I am very annoyed that you have branded my son illiterate, as this is a lie.I was married to his father a week before he was born.
In answer to your letter I have given birth to a boy weighing ten lbs.I hope this is satisfactory.
I am forwarding my marriage certificate and my three children, one of which was a mistake as you can see.
My husband had his project cut off two weeks ago,and I haven't
had any relief since.
Unless I get my money soon,I will be forced to lead an immortal
life.
You have changed my little boy to a little girl.Will this make any difference?
I haven't had children as yet as my husband is a bus driver and
works day and night.
In accordance with your instructions,I have given birth to twins in the enclosed envelope.
I want money as quick as I can get it.I have been in bed with the doctor for two weeks and this doesn't seem to do me any good.If things don't improve I will be forced to send for another doctor.
It is true I am a bachelor and have deducted for two children. Butplease believe me when I say it was an accident.
Please excuse the condition of my messy form.I really should have been more careful.
I am a vermin destroyer but have not earned anything for some
months. I shall be glad to call on you at your convenience.
Please send me a claim form as I have had a baby.I had one before but it got dirty and I burned it.
I cannot pay the full amount at the moment as my husband is in
hospital. As soon as I can I will send on the remains.
Please correct this assessment. I have not worked for the past
three months as I have broken my leg. Hoping you will do the
same....
Quick: Send "Butter Tarts".
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-13-2004, 03:30 PM:
Rated G
Top 10 Signs You're Pure Italian-Canadian
1. At 35, you still have a phobia of walking through your parent's dining room.
2. As a child, your last week of summer holidays were always spent putting caps on sauce-filled Mio bottles.
3. Contrary to medical literature,you still believe that eating
two plates of pasta,three fried veal cutlets,two sausages,and a half bottle of wine makes for a healthy meal.
4. You "close" the light and "open" the TV
5. You maintain that broom handles, wooden spoons, and slippers
are all tools for effective parenting.
6. Although the food isn't as good, you prefer attending relatives'funerals over weddings because they're so much cheaper.
7. You can rebuild a motor and frame a house, but couldn't operate a washing machine if your life depended on it.
8. Every picture frame, salt shaker, nut cracker, candle holder,
and butter knife in your home is a "bomboniere" from previous
weddings.
9. Because of years of getting yelled at by your mother, you know
more saint names than the Pope.
10. Your father signed you up for hockey just long enough to
accumulate enough broken sticks for his garden.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-14-2004, 10:58 AM:
Rated R Michele
The following are all replies that Canadian women have put on
Child Support Agency forms in the section for listing father's
details:
--------------------------------------------------------------
Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, child A was
fathered by Jim Munson. I am unsure as to the identity of the
father of child B, but I believe that he was conceived on the same night.
I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps.
I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was
conceived at a party at 3600 Grand Avenue where I had unprotected sex with a man I met that night.I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted.If you do manage to track down the father can you send me his phone number?
Thanks.I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he's had it replaced.I have never had sex with a man.
Peter Smith is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him
can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs?
From the dates it seems that my daughter, she was conceived at
Euro Disney; Maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom. So much about
that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for sure is
Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier in the evening. If
I'd have stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the
party at 146 Miller Drive, mine might have remained unfertilized.
I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after all when you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one made you fart.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-30-2004, 07:16 AM:
Rated G
A Canadian aide to the prime minister has apologized for labeling George W. Bush a "moron".
George W was not offended. As president, he expects to be called
four letter words.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-10-2004, 09:01 AM:
Rated PG Ed in Aurora, Ontario
Happily Married
A man met a beautiful lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away.
She protested, "But we don't know anything about each other."
He replied, "That's all right; we'll learn about each other as we go along.
"So she consented, and they were married, and went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort.
One morning,they were lying by the pool when he got up off his towel, climbed up to the 10 meter board and did a two and a half tuck gainer, entering the water perfectly,almost without a ripple.
This was followed by a three rotations in jackknife position before he again straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on his towel.
She said, 'That was incredible!"
He said, "I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about ourselves as we went along."
she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing laps. She was moving so fast that the froth from her pushing off at one end of the pool would hardly be gone before she was already touching the other end of the pool.She did laps in freestyle,breast stroke,even butterfly!
After about thirty laps,completed in mere minutes,she climbed back out and lay down on her towel,barely breathing hard.
He said,"That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?"
"No",she said,"I was a hooker in Halifax and I worked both sides of the harbour."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-11-2004, 02:15 PM:
Rated PG Michele
I don't make this up...I don't have to!
When a man broke into a house in Newmarket, Ont.,Canada, thehomeowners, identified only as Clifford, 66, and Gladys, 59, foughtback."I shoved him down the basement stairs," Clifford said. "He fell down all 10 stairs and I ran down behind him ...
and kept punching him and punching him.He kept yelling at me to stop hitting him because he was on drugs.But I told him I wasn't finished with him yet."
Neither was Clifford's wife,who whacked the robber repeatedly
with a tea kettle.Why that? "I couldn't find the rolling pin so I picked up the first thing I saw," Gladys said.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-13-2004, 07:05 AM:
Rated G Michele
Us Canadians, we are sick and tired of hearing about how dumb
people in the South are........
We challenge any so-called smart-ass Yankee to take this exam
administered by the University of Arkansas Engineering
Department:
1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that
will support a 10-pound possum.
2. Which of these cars will rust out the quickest when placed on
blocks in your front yard? A '65 Ford Fairlane, a '69 Chevrolet
Chevelle or a '64 Pontiac GTO.
3. If your uncle builds a still which operates at a capacity of 20 gallons of shine produced per hour,how many car radiators are required to condense the finished product?
4. A woodcutter has a chainsaw which operates at 2700 RPM.The
density of the pine trees in the plot to be harvested is 470 per
acre.The plot is 2.3 acres in size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches. How many Budweisers will be drunk before the trees are cut down?
5. If every old refrigerator in the state vented its charge of R-
12 simultaneously,what would be the percentage decrease in the
ozone layer?
6. A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine on 24-inch centers
with a field rock foundation.The span is 8 feet and the porch
length is 16 feet.The porch floor is 1-inch rough sawn pine. When the porch collapses,how many hound dogs will be killed?
7. A man owns a Tennessee house and 3.7 acres of land in a hollow with an average slope of 15%.The man has five children. Can each of his grown children place a mobile home on the man's land and still have enough property for their electric appliances to sit out on the front porch?
8. A 2-ton truck is overloaded and proceeding 900 yards down a
steep slope on a secondary road at 45 MPH.The brakes fail. Given average traffic conditions on secondary roads,what is the
probability that the truck will strike a vehicle with a muffler?
9. A coal mine operates a NFPA Class 1, Division 2 Hazardous Area.The mine employs 120 miners per shift.A gas warning is issued at the beginning of th 3rd shift.How many cartons of unfiltered Camels will be smoked during that shift?
10. At a reduction in the gene pool variability rate of 7.5% per
generation,how long will it take a town which has been bypassed
by the Interstate to breed a country-western singer?
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-31-2004, 10:26 AM:
Rated G B.B.
Polish Divorce
A Polish man married a Canadian girl after he had been in Canada a year or so and,although his English was far from perfect,they got on very well.Until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him-"very quick".
The lawyer said that the speed of getting a divorce would depend
on the circumstances and asked him the following questions:
LAWYER: Have you any grounds?
POLE: JA, JA, an acre and half and a nice little home with 3
bedrooms.
LAWYER "No," I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
Pole: "It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," he responded.
LAWYER: "Does either of you have a real grudge?"
POLE: "No," he replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never
really needed one."
LAWYER "I mean, What are your relations like?"
POLE: "All my relations are in Poland."
LAWYER: "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
POLE:
"Yes, we have hi fidelity stereo set & DVD player with 6.1
sound. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your
questions is yes."
LAWYER: No, I mean Does your wife beat you up?
POLE: NO, I'm always up before her.
LAWYER: Is your wife a nagger?
POLE: NO, she white.
LAWYER: WHY do you want this divorce?
POLE: SHE going to kill me.
LAWYER: What makes you think that?
POLE: I got proof.
LAWYER: What kind of proof?
POLE:
She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at the drug store
and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read - it says,
"Polish Remover"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 05-06-2004, 08:32 AM:
Rated G Ed in Aurora, Ont
Dad was having a drink in a bar in Seattle when He gets a
Call on the hotel line.
He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear & orders a round of drinks for everybody in the bar because,he announces,his wife has just produced a typical Canadian baby boy weighing 25 pounds.
Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the Canadian just shrugs,"That's about average up north, folks.
Like I said, my boy's a typical Canadian baby boy."
Congratulations showered him from all around & many exclamations of "WOW!" were heard.
One woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains.
Two weeks later the Dad returns to the bar.
The bartender says "Say,you're the father of that typical Canadian baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth,aren't you? Everybody's been makin' bets about how big he'd be in two weeks. We were gonna call you... so how much does he weigh now?"
Dad answers, "Seventeen pounds."
The bartender is puzzled & concerned. "What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds the day he was born."
Father takes a slow swig from his Molson Canadian,wipes his lips on his shirtsleeve,leans into the bartender & proudly says, "Had him circumcised".
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 05-07-2004, 04:24 AM:
Rated G Ed in Aurora, Ont.
This is only for the hockey fans -
Four Canadian hockey fans are mountain climbing.
Each climber happens to bean avid fan of a different NHL team. One from Edmonton,one from Toronto,one from Vancouver and the other from Ottawa.
As they climb higher and higher, they argue more and more about which of them is the most loyal to their particular hockey team.
As they reach the summit,the climber from Edmonton takes a running leap and throws himself off the mountain, yelling,
"This is for the Edmonton Oilers!"
Not wanting to be outdone,the climber from Vancouver throws himself off the mountain,shouting,"This is for the Vancouver Canucks!"
Seeing this, the Ottawa fan walks to the edge and yells,"This is for hockey fans everywhere!"
He then pushes the fan from Toronto.
off the cliff.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-08-2004, 06:42 AM:
Rated G Ed in Aurora,Ont.
Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had set their new wives straight on their duties.
The first man had married a woman from Pennsylvania.He bragged that he had told his wife to do all the dishes and clean the house. He said that it took her a couple of days, but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.
The second man had married a woman from Kentucky. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. He told the men that the first day he didn't see any results, but by the next day it was better, and on the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.
The third man had married a Canadian girl. He boasted that he told her his house was to be cleaned, dishes washed, the cooking done and laundry folded. And this was all her responsibility. He said the first day he didn't see anything and the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day some of the swelling had gone down so he could see a little out of his left eye!
Got to love those Canadian girls!
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 07-01-2004, 01:23 PM:
Rated G Love Them
"Patriotic Pastries" Toronto Star Article
http://www.thestar.com/NASApp/cs/ContentServer?pagename=thestar/Layout/Article_Type1&c=Article&cid=1088547020717&call_pageid=970599119419
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 07-15-2004, 01:13 PM:
Rated G Ada in Hudson Bay
When you cross the border on your way south from Canada, you can see an ad saying: "Welcome to the U. S. of A! We've got Bob Hope, Johnny Cash and Stevie Wonder."
On your way back (going into Canada) the sign reads: "Welcome to Canada.Here we have no Hope,no Cash and no Wonder!" ![[Confused]](confused.gif)
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 07-26-2004, 03:47 PM:
Rated G
Canada, my home and native land, eh!
What It Means To Be Canadian
(By Kevin Burns with thanks and apologies to Will & Ian Ferguson's "How To Be A Canadian")
At least once in our lives, you will hear us screaming, "Hap me. Hap me. Tumbuddy pwease hap me!" (The sounds emanating from that person with a tongue frozen to a flagpole, even if Mom said, "Don't do it.!")
Our national animal is the beaver; renowned for its hard work, even temper, industrious nature...oh who are we kidding. It's a forty-pound water rat whose most heroic trait is to slap its tail to warn his buddies before he runs away. And it's not like we were short on choices either. But we stuck with the beaver and now we spend millions every year blowing up and bulldozing the work it does. So very, very Canadian.
It's here in Canada, where the vision of Jesus was found on the side of a Tim Horton's in Bras D'or, Nova Scotia (Cape Breton Island), thus now making Timmy's the new found Church of The Land. Finally, a seven-day-a-week shrine. Now we line up in droves every morning to toss a Toonie into the collection plate and be blessed with a fritter and double-double.
Only in Canada do we know what either a fritter or a double-double is...or a "Toonie" for that matter.
Although our country is vast (about 100 square miles for each person), we settle mostly near the U.S. border and huddle for warmth.
If it's not deep-fried in grease and covered with either sugar or gravy, we won't eat it. See "Poutine" in Quebec, "Beaver Tails" in Ottawa, "Elephant Ears" on the Prairies and TimBits at every crossroads.
Maple Syrup - If it comes from a tree, it must be healthy.
Molly's Reach - Home to Nick, Jesse and Relic. The Persephone is out front. You've got to be Canadian to get it.
Contrary to popular belief, the national anthem is not the theme from "Hockey Night In Canada."
We, as a culture, will actually pay someone to sell us furniture that we have to put together with a little odd-sized wrench that tends to create more curse words than heard on Christmas Eve. Oh, but we're smarter than the Swedes, aren't we?
Driving in Canada? Here's what you need to know:
In the Maritimes,everyone says,"After you!" It's done with a little flick of the headlights.So polite. So Canadian. Traffic is slow.
In Montreal,it's gang-jaywalkers. Since it's unlikely that a driver could take out the whole crowd, they break the law in packs.
In Toronto, the traffic lights are interpreted as follows: Green - "Don't stop." Yellow - "Faster.Faster." Red -"Screw 'em. they deserved to die."
In Winnipeg - "Sorry." (If you've been there, you'll understand it.)
In Saskatchewan - The word "Saskatchewan" is an ancient native word for, "I can turn left from any bloody lane I want." Turn-signals are sold as an extra on cars.
In Alberta - Posted speed of 110 kmh means for each person in your car.
In Vancouver - pedestrians are viewed simply as slalom obstacles that continue to move. Applying brakes while on this course is not allowed.
In Victoria, since there are no cars, only golf-carts and motorized wheelchairs, there is no reason to turn up your hearing-aid, since you wouldn't hear them coming anyway. Speeds not over 20 kmh.
"Yeah, but it's a dry cold."
Speaking true Canadian eh? Here's a phrase only Canadians would understand. "Last night, I cashed my pogey and went and bought a mickey of C.C. at the beer parlour, but my skidoo got stuck in the muskeg on my way to the duplex. So I get the half-ton and I was trying to deke a deer, eh. Friggin' Chinook melted everything. Then this Mountie in a ghost car gave me an impaired. I was S.O.L. Only had my toque and Stanfields on. The Mountie, he's all chippy, calling me a "S**t disturber." So all I could say was, "Chimo."
Canada, where it's never too cold to go to the mall!
How to get 100 Canadians out of a swimming pool. Simply say, "Could we please ask you to get out of the pool?" They will.
In Saskatchewan, there are skid marks on the Trans Canada highway. The question remains, "What did someone have to stop suddenly for that they didn't see coming for miles?"
Curling. An Olympic sport we may not have invented, but we perfected it by encouraging smoking and drinking while on the playing surface.
Bonspiel - another word for "big drunk." Adding booze as a prize in a Bonspiel would seem redundant.
While coffee shops around the world are charging over $3.50 for a cup of coffee, in Canada, our prices are actually going down. If Tim Horton were still alive, he'd be Prime Minister.
There is a lot of Canadian money in Third World countries, unfortunately it's mostly Canadian Tire money since many Canadians have a fun time convincing unsuspecting street vendors that the picture on the money was of our King.
Only in Canada would our Head of State give us the finger and would we cheer and re-elect him.
Only in Canada would a guy stagger out of a bar at closing time, attempt to navigate every square inch of real estate between the front door of the bar and his car. He would stagger and stumble in plain view of the police, unlock the car door, get in, start the car and wait for the police to stop him from driving any further. It would be then that without a slur and without a drink consumed, he would inform the police that he was, in fact, the "D.D." (not Designated Driver but "Designated Decoy" so that his drunk buddies could run to their vehicles and drive home.)
Mike Myers, Dan Ayckroyd, Jim Carrey, Peter Jennings, Shania Twain, Brian Adams, Caroline Rhea, Jill Hennessey, Michael J. Fox, Matthew Perry, Raymond Burr, John Candy, Dave Foley, Brendan Fraser, Robert Goulet, Lorne Greene, Phil Hartman, Eugene Levy, Howie Mandel, Rick Moranis, Martin Short, Leslie Nielsen, Christopher Plummer, Jason Priestly, Keanu Reeves, William Shatner, Donald Sutherland, Kiefer Sutherland, Dave Thomas, Pamela Anderson, Neve Campbell, Kim Cattrall, Margot Kidder, Shannon Tweed, Louis B. Mayer, Lorne Michaels, Monty Hall, Rich Little, Alex Trebek, Paul Shaffer, Neil Young, Robbie Robertson and Cirque de Soleil are all household names. They only became household names when they left the household (Canada).
Canadians have a deep respect for authority and they prefer law and order to anarchy and freedom. Why? Because the authorities told them to, that's why.
I am Canadian. (Not available in Quebec).
Canadians dislike Americans but they're not sure why.
If you hear the name "Elvis" and think of figure skating, you're Canadian.
Canadians have photos of themselves taken beside large objects next to the highway. (If not a large object, then in front of a Provincial boundary sign).
And finally...Canadians remember where they were when Paul scored, when Ben got caught and when Wayne was traded. (Real Canadians don't need last names).
It's Good To Be Canadian Eh?
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-04-2004, 09:51 AM:
Rated G This was sent in by a cousin in Kingston,Ontario
An American view of Canadians
Thoughts On Canadians:
An American Perspective
By Samantha Bennett
Source: Pittsburgh Post-Gazette
You live next door to a clean-cut,quiet guy.He never plays loud music or throws raucous parties. He doesn't gossip over the fence,just smiles politely and offers you some tomatoes.His lawn is cared for,his house is neat as a pin and you get the feeling he doesn't always lock his front door.
He wears Dockers. You hardly know he's there.And then one day youdiscover that he has pot in his basement,spends his weekends at peace marches and that guy you've seen mowing the yard is his spouse.
Allow me to introduce Canada.
The Canadians are so quiet that you may have forgotten they're up there,but they've been busy doing some surprising things. It's like discovering that the mice you are dimly aware of in your attic have been building an espresso machine.
Did you realize,for example,that our reliable little tag along brother never joined the Coalition of the Willing? Canada wasn't willing,as it turns out, to join the fun in Iraq. I can only assume American diner menus weren't angrily changed to include
"freedom bacon," because nobody he eats the stuff anyway.
And then there's the wild drug situation: Canadian doctors are authorized to dispense medical marijuana. Parliament is considering legislation that would not exactly legalize marijuana possession, as you may have heard, but would reduce the penalty for possession of under 15 grams to a fine, like a
speeding ticket.This is to allow law enforcement to concentrate resources on traffickers; if your garden is full of wasps, it's smarter to go for the nest rather than trying to swat every individual bug. Or,in the United States,bong.
Now, here's the part that I, as an American, can't understand. These poor benighted pinkos are doing everything wrong. They have a drug problem: Marijuana offenses have doubled since 1991. And Canada has strict gun control laws,which means that the criminals must all be heavily armed, the law-abiding civilians helpless and the government on the verge of a massi confiscation campaign. (The laws have been in place since the '70s, but I'm sure the government will get around to the confiscation eventually.)
They don't even have a death penalty!
And yet .. nationally, overall crime in Canada has been declining since 1991. Violent crimes fell 13 percent in 2002. Of course, there are still crimes committed with guns brought in from the United States, which has become the major illegal weapons supplier for all of North America but theory is that the surge in pot smoking has rendered most criminals too relaxed to commit violent crimes.They're probably more focused on
shoplifting boxes of Ho-Hos from convenience stores.
And then there's the most reckless move of all.
Just last month, Canada decided to allow and recognize same sex marriages.
Merciful moose, what can they be thinking? Will there be married Mounties(they always get their man!)? Dudley Do-Right was sweet on Nell, not Mel!
We must be the only ones who really care about families. Not enough to make sure they all have health insurance,of course, but more than those libertines up north.
This sort of behavior is a clear and present danger to all our stereotypes about Canada. It's supposed to be a cold, wholesome country of polite,beer drinking hockey players, not founded by freedom fighters in a bloody revolution but quietly assembled by loyalists and royalists more interested in order and good government than liberty and independence.
But if we are the rugged individualists,why do we spend so much of ourtime trying to get everyone to march in lockstep? And if Canadians are so reserved and moderate, why are they so progressive about letting people do what they want to?
Canadians are,as a nation,less religious than we are,according to polls.As a result, Canada's government isn't influenced by large, well organized religious groups and thus has more in common with those of Scandinavia than those of the United States,or,say,Iran.
Canada signed the Kyoto global warming treaty,lets 19-year-olds drink,has more of its population living in urban areas and accepts more immigrants per capita than the United States. These are all things we've been told will wreck our society. But I guess Canadians are different, because theirs seems oddly sound. Like teenagers, we fiercely idolize individual freedom but really demand that everyone be the same. But the Canadians seem more adult, more secure.
They aren't afraid of foreigners. They aren't afraid of homosexuality.
Most of all, they're not afraid of each other.
I wonder if America will ever be that cool.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-05-2004, 07:05 AM:
Rated PG Ed in Aurora, Ont.
Alligators In Ottawa.
Two Alligators were sitting at the side of the swamp near
Ottawa.The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, "I can't understand how you can be so much bigger than me.We're the same age,we was the same size as kids.I just don't get it."
"Well," said the big 'gator, what you been eaten' boy?"
"Members of Parliament,same as you," replied the small'gator.
"Hmm.Well, where do y'all catch 'em?" "Down on the other side of the swamp near the parking lot by the Parliament Buildings."
"Same here,hmm, how do you catch them?"
"Well, I crawl up under one of them Lexus and wait for one to unlock the car door.Then I jump out, grab 'them by the leg,and
shake the shit out of them,and eat them!"
"Ah!" says the big alligator, "I think I see your problem.You ain't getting' any real nourishment.See,by the time you get done shaken' the shit out of a MP, there ain't nothing' left
but an asshole and a briefcase."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-16-2004, 03:56 PM:
Rated G
A tourist in Canada celebrated the holidays by getting stone drunk. He became obnoxious and disorderly, and was hauled into court for disturbing the peace."How do you plead?" the Judge asked.
"Not guilty!" replied the accused."
"How can you plead 'not guilty. You're drunker than a skunk," the judge said.
"Well, you see, it's like this, your honor. I was only following orders. When I got into town, there was this big sign that said, DRINK CANADA DRY. And that's what I was doing."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-31-2004, 11:31 PM:
Rated G
Hold the Lantern
In a isolated fishing village in Newfoundland,a Newfie's wife went into labour in the middle of the night,and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery.
Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said,"Here, you hold this high so I can see what I am doing."
Soon,a baby boy was brought into the world. "Whoa there",said the doctor, "don't be in such a rush to put that lantern down.
I think there's another one coming.
Sure enough,within minutes,he had delivered a baby girl.
"Hold that lantern up, there's another one!" said the doctor.
Within a few minutes he had delivered another baby girl.
"Don't put down that lantern! there's another one coming!" cried the doctor.
"Laird tunder in boy" said the Newfie,who scratched his head in
bewilderment,"Ya reckon the light's attractin 'em?"
[ 01-01-2005, 08:30 AM: Message edited by: Bob Maar ]
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-15-2005, 08:53 AM:
Rated G Ed in Aurora, Ont. Ca
Take a deep breath before you read this one.
Paddy and Mick worked together in St. John's, Newfoundland and both were laid off,so they went to the unemployment office.
When asked his occupation, Paddy answered,"Panty Stitcher. I sew da elastic onto ladies cotton panties and tongs."
The clerk looked up panty stitcher on his computer and finding it classified as unskilled labour,he gave him $80 a week unemployment pay.
Mick was next in and when asked his occupation replied,"Diesel fitter."
Since a diesel fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Mick $160 a week.
When Paddy found out he was furious.He stormed back into the office to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his pay. The Clerk explained "Panty Stitchers are unskilled and Diesel Fitters are skilled labour.
"What skill? yelled Paddy.I sew da elastic on da panties and tongs;Mick puts 'em over his head and says: "Yep, diesel fitter."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-14-2005, 09:56 AM:
Rated G Lorraine
An Englishman was being shown all over the Niagara Falls for the first time.
"Isn't it something?" said his Canadian guide, waiting for a reaction.
"Runs all night too, I suppose," said the Englishman.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-01-2005, 02:03 PM:
Rated G
Top joke in Canada
When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 Celsius.
The Russians used a pencil.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-21-2005, 01:36 PM:
Rated PG
"This is interesting... Canadian researchers now say they've found a way to determine how aggressive a man is based on his finger length. They say the shorter the index finger is relative to the ring finger, the more aggressive he is. And he's really aggressive if the middle finger is constantly extended."
~~Jay Leno
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-23-2005, 06:25 PM:
Rated G B.B.
I would like to share an old Native Canadian chant. Each year during the first week of June, the Native Canadians would wake up at sunrise and repeat their chant over and over. They say this powerful chant primarily for three very important reasons:
1. To ensure that their crops are bountiful and will keep them and their families fed all year;
2. To ward off harm/evil;
3. And gain great wisdom.
It goes like this:
Oooooh waaaaah (pause) Taaaaa foooooo (pause) Lie aaaammmm (pause)
Now repeat it without the pause. As you repeat it more often and more quickly, its message becomes clear and you will become wise! Try it. It works very well and very quickly!!!
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 07-28-2005, 12:35 PM:
Rated G Hank in Simi Valley
A Hawaiian Woodpecker and a Canadian woodpecker were arguing about which place had the toughest trees.
The Hawaiian woodpecker said that they had a tree that no woodpecker could peck.
The Canadian woodpecker challenged him and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem.
The Hawaii woodpecker was in awe.
The Canadian woodpecker then challenged the Hawaiian woodpecker to peck a Canadian tree that was absolutely unpeckable.
The Hawaiian woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it and accepted the challenge. After flying to Canada , the Hawaiian woodpecker successfully pecked the tree with no problem.
The two woodpeckers were now confused. How is that the Canadian woodpecker was able to peck the Hawaiian tree and the Hawaiian woodpecker was able to peck the Canadian tree when neither one was able to peck the tree in their own country?
After much pecking, they both came to the same conclusion.
Your pecker is always harder when you're away from home.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 07-29-2005, 03:08 PM:
Rated G
"Well, under new requirements,they say Canadians who up to this point only needed to show a drivers license to cross the border, will now need a passport. Canadians coming into the United States will need to bring a passport, or a bag of cheap prescription drugs."
Posted by Steven Privett (Member # 718) on 08-01-2005, 02:58 AM:
Rated G
After the North American Beer Festival, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer. The guy from Corona sits down and says, “Hey Señor, I would like the world’s best beer, a Corona.” The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him. The guy from Budweiser says, “I’d like the best beer in the world, give me ‘The King of Beers,’ a Budweiser.” The bartender gives him one. The guy from Coors says, “I’d like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors.” He gets it. The guy from Molson sits down and says, “Give me a Coke.” The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered. The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask, “Why aren’t you drinking a Molson’s?” The Molson president replies, “Well, I figured if you guys aren’t drinking beer, neither would I.”
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 08-10-2005, 02:58 PM:
Rated G
"We are here in Toronto this week! Here in Canada the rapper 50 cent is known as Seventy-Five Cents."
~~Conan O'Brian
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 09-17-2005, 09:58 AM:
Rated G
The big leap
Picture if you will, a mountain high on top of the world with a sharp cliff that provides an excellent jump to your death. There are three men standing by this cliff and remarking at what a long way down it is.
Suddenly, a good fairy appears and says: "Good gentlemen I will give you one wish. As you jump off this cliff, call out your wish, and I will grant you your wish and safe passage to ground level."
So, the first man, who by the way was Italian, took a running start and jumped off the cliff. As he plumetted to almost certain human death, he called out,
"An IROC CAMARO with big fuzzy dice hanging in the window and a gorgeous girl to go along."
And just as the good fairy promised, he landed safely in between his new "car" and gorgeous blond girl, where he proceeded to run from one to the other, not knowing which one to kiss first.
The second man, being an East Indian by the name of Raj, saw what happened to the Italian Stallion and ran off the cliff happily screaming with his distinctive accent: "Riches and fame."
It was a short and simple request, but that was all the English he could handle while jumping off a cliff. Well, low and behold as he reaches the bottom safely he is swarmed by dozens of adoring fans, while a limousine full of money arrives to pick him up.
Well, the last fellow was a short, stout fellow from a faraway place in a most northern country called Canada. This fellow is commonly referred to as a NEWFIE. The Newfie was so impressed at how the other two gentlemen had prospered in life that he gave grave and careful thought to what he would say as he plumeted off the cliff at break neck speeds. So, he began to run, and just as he neared the edge of the cliff he tripped on a stone and fell off the cliff, yelling with disgust:
"Shit!!!"
And thus, he safely landed.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 09-17-2005, 03:09 PM:
Rated G
Attributed to Sir John A. MacDonald, Canada's first prime minister :
Heckler : I wouldn't vote for you if you were the Angel Gabriel.
Sir John A. : My friend, you're so right; you wouldn't be in my constituency.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 09-20-2005, 03:09 PM:
Rated G
I don't know the original source; suffice it to say that I saw it on a photo-copied piece of paper.
I have updated it to fit current North-American political and taxation trends...
Combined Canada / U.S Income Tax Calculation and Remittance Form
(Simplified) Form #2005-1a
North-American Free Trade Agreement Tax Treaty 2005 Tax Year
How much money did you make?
$_______.___
Send it in! $_______.___
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-12-2005, 08:14 AM:
Rated G
The news reported that David Dingwall, the president and CEO of the Royal Canadian Mint, has resigned.
He obviously wasn't making enough money.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-26-2005, 04:13 PM:
Rated PG Ed In Aurora, Ont. CA
The Ant & the Grasshopper - Canada's version
CLASSIC VERSION:
The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The shivering grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.
THE END
THE CANADIAN VERSION: So true it's scary.
The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed.
The shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others less fortunate, like him, are cold and starving.
The CBC shows up to provide live coverage of the shivering grasshopper; with cuts to a video of the ant in his comfortable warm home with a table laden with food.
Canadians are stunned that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so while others have plenty.
The NDP, the CAW and the Coalition Against Poverty demonstrate in front of the ant's house. The CBC, interrupting an Inuit cultural festival special from Nunavut with breaking news, broadcasts them singing "We Shall Overcome" .
Sven Robinson rants in an interview with Pamela Wallin that the ant has gotten rich off the backs of grasshoppers, and calls for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his "fair share".
In response to polls, the Liberal Government drafts the Economic Equity and Grasshopper Anti-Discrimination Act, retroactive to the beginning of the summer.
The ant's taxes are reassessed, and he is also fined for failing to hire grasshoppers as helpers.
Without enough money to pay both the fine and his newly imposed retroactive taxes, the government confiscates his home.
The ant moves to the US, and starts a successful agribiz company.
The CBC later shows the now fat grasshopper finishing up the last of the ant's food, though Spring is still months away, while the government house he is in, which just happens to be the ant's old house, crumbles around him because he hasn't bothered to maintain it.
Inadequate government funding is blamed, Roy Romanow is appointed to head a commission of enquiry that will cost $10,000,000.
The grasshopper is soon dead of a drug overdose, the Toronto Star blames it on the obvious failure of government to address the root causes of despair arising from social inequity.
The abandoned house is taken over by a gang of immigrant spiders, praised by the government for enriching Canada's multicultural diversity, who promptly set up a marijuana grow op and terrorize the community.
THE END
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-03-2006, 02:28 PM:
Rated G
Newly issued alcohol warnings
The Toronto Board of Health has proposed that warning signs be placed on all alcohol bottles to tip off drinkers about the possible peril of drinking a pint or two of any alcoholic beverage.
1. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to wake up with a breath that could knock a buzzard off a wreaking dead animal that is one hundred yards away.
2. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot.
3. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to assault you
4. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.
5. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the boss what you really think of him.
6. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burn on the forehead.
7. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Psycho Joe.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-16-2006, 11:44 AM:
Rated G
"The reigning Miss Canada has been arrested for punching out another woman in a bar fight. Quite frankly, I think it's refreshing to finally find one beauty pageant winner who is against world peace."
-- Jay Leno
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-31-2006, 09:58 AM:
Rated G Canuck
"Living next to the United States is in some ways like sleeping with an elephant. No matter how friendly and even-tempered is the beast, if I can call it that, one is affected by every twitch and grunt."
Pierre Elliott Trudeau, Prime Minister of Canada
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-08-2006, 08:36 AM:
Rated G
"Ultimately, Stephen Harper, the conservative, is the new prime minister, ending 13 years of liberal rule in Canada. They picked up not as many parliamentary seats as they thought they might, but they picked up quite a few, more than the liberals. But the real question on everybody's mind is, can we still stitch their flags on our backpacks to get through Europe?"
--Jon Stewart
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-08-2006, 08:54 AM:
Rated G
Canadian Wisdom Chant
I would like to share an old Native Canadian chant. Each year during the first week of February , the Native Canadians would wake up at sunrise and repeat their chant over and over. They did this powerful chant primarily for three very important reasons:
1. To ensure that their crops are bountiful and will keep them and their families fed all year; 2. To ward off harm/evil; 3. And gain great wisdom.
It goes like this: Oooooh waaaaah (pause) Taaaaa foooooo (pause) Lie aaaammmm (pause)
Now repeat it without the pause. As you repeat it more often and more quickly, its message becomes clear and you will become wise! Try it. It works very well and very quickly!!!
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-14-2006, 04:54 PM:
Rated G Ed in Aurora
A young man named Mike applied for an engineering position at a Newfoundland firm based in St.John's.
A Mainlander applied for the position too and both applicants having the same qualifications, were asked to take the same standard test by the company manager.
Upon completion, both men missed getting a perfect score by only getting one wrong answer.
The company manager went over to Mike and said, "Thank you for applying for the position but we have decided to give it to the Mainlander."
"And why would ye be doing dat?" asked Mike. "We bote get nine of de questions roight. Dis being de Rock, and me a Newfie, I tink I should be gettin' de jab!"
The manager then replied, "We based our decision, not on the correct answers, but on the one that you missed."
Mike says "And jest how could one answer be more wrong dan anudder?"
"Simple", replied the manager. "On question number seven, the Mainlander wrote down "I don't know."
You put down "Needer do I
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-04-2006, 10:09 AM:
Rated G Ed in Aurora, Ont.
"Love Them Newfoundlanders"
Two Newfies, George and Frank, are getting tired of Newfoundland and start to think about moving out west for a better life.
George is all for it but Frank is a bit skeptical.
George says, "Frank bye, the work is plentiful, lotsa tings ta do and it'll be a good change fer us".
Frank replies, "I know Garge but what about the 'tlantic?
Won't you miss the fishin' and smell of the salt water in the mornin'?"
George agrees, but offers an idea, "Well Frank, why don't you take your fishin' dory witcha and when ever ya starts to miss the rock ya can hop in your dory and fantasize about St. Johns"
Well that's all it took to convince Frank, and they strap the dory to the roof of the truck and off they go.
Well it's been 4 days driving and Frank is really missing Newfoundland, so George stops the truck in the middle of the prairies and says, "Look out at dose flat wheat fields Frank, doesn't dat remind you of the ocean, the way the wind is blowin' through the grain?"
Frank replies, "Lard tunderin Jasus Garge yer right!"
They unhook the dory and haul it out to the middle of the field, sit back, relax and start rowing.
Well it just so happens that, at the same time another Newfie is on his way back from Alberta and spots the plates on their truck and then notices the two of them out on the field rowing away.
Well the new arrival gets so angry he stops his truck, hops out and begins to scream at them.
"No wonder the whole country tinks we're stupid, look at you two fools out there rowin'. Jasus, if I could swim I'd come out there and kick yer arses !!!!!
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-08-2006, 06:31 AM:
Rated PG Ed in Aurora
The Cowboy, Indian and Arab
Three strangers strike up a conversation in the airport passenger lounge in Calgary Alberta, while awaiting their respective flights.
One is an American Indian passing through from Lame Deer.
Another is a Cowboy on his way to Lethbridge for a livestock show.
The third passenger is a fundamentalist Arab student, newly arrived at the University of Calgary from the Middle East.
Their discussion drifts to their diverse cultures. Soon, the two Westerners learn that the Arab is a devout, radical Muslim and the conversation falls into an uneasy lull.
The cowboy leans back in his chair, crosses his boots on a magazine table and tips his big sweat-stained hat forward over his face.
The wind outside is blowing tumbleweeds around, and the old windsock is flapping; but still no plane comes.
Finally, the American Indian clears his throat and softly he speaks, "At one time here, my people were many, but sadly, now we are few."
The Muslim student raises an eyebrow and leans forward,
"Once my people were few," he sneers, "and now we are many. Why do you suppose that is?"
The Alberta cowboy shifts his toothpick to one side of his mouth and from the darkness beneath his Stetson says in a smooth drawl.
"That's 'cause we ain't played Cowboys and Muslims yet, but I do believe it's a-comin'."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-19-2006, 08:54 PM:
Rated G Ed in Aurora, Ont. Ca
Three third graders, a Cape Breton kid , a PEI kid and a Newfoundlander are in the playground at recess.
One of them suggests that they play a new game. "Let's see who has the largest weenie," he says."Okay."
They all agree.
The Cape Breton kid pulls down his zipper and whips it out.
"That's nothing," says the PEI kid. He whips his out. His is a couple of inches longer.
Not to be outdone, the Newfoundlander whips his out. It is by far the biggest.
That night, eating dinner at home, the Newfoundlanders mother asks him what he did at school today.
"Oh, we worked on a science project, had a math test and read out loud from a new book ... and during recess, my friends and I played 'Let's see who has the largest weenie."
What kind of game is that, honey?" asks the mother.
Well, me, Angus and John each pulled out our weenies and I had the biggest! The other kids say its because I'm a Newfoundlander.
Is that true, Mom?"
Mom replies, "No, Honey. It's because you're twenty-three."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-19-2006, 08:57 PM:
Rated G Ed in Aurora, Ont. Ca.
BE CAREFUL OUT THERE!!!!
I am a victim of the latest scam, which is happening in shopping mall parking lots all over Vancouver. Two good looking young women come to your car as you are parking.One starts wiping your windshield with a rag and the other comes to your window and bends over so far her breasts just about fall
out of her blouse.
While you're distracted, the other one lets herself in the back seat.Then both are begging you for a ride home.
Be very wary, because as soon as you start driving, one of them will take off her shirt and rub her breasts on you while the other climbs over the seat and unzips your pants.
This is when they steal your wallet.
I was robbed last Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday.
I couldn't find them on Saturday.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-31-2006, 08:34 PM:
Rated G
A Canadian is walking down the street with a case of beer under his arm.
His friend Doug stops him and asks,"Hey Bob! Whacha get the case of beer for? "
"I got it for my wife, eh." answers Bob.
"Oh!" exclaims Doug, "Good trade."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-31-2006, 08:40 PM:
Rated G
An Ontarian wanted to become a Newfie (ie. a Newfoundlander.)
He went to the neurosurgeon and asked, Is there anything you can do to me that would make me into a Newfie?".
"Sure it's easy." replied the neurosurgeon. "All I have
to do is cut out 1/3 of your brain,and you'll be a Newfie."
The Ontarian was very pleased,and immediately underwent the operation.
However, the neurosurgeon's knife slipped, and instead of cutting 1/3 of the patient's brain, the surgeon accidentally cut out 2/3 of the patient's brain.
He was terribly remorseful, and waited impatiently beside the patient's bed as the patient recovered from the anesthetic.
As soon as the patient was conscious, the neurosurgeon said to him "I'm terribly sorry,but there was a ghastly accident.
Instead of cutting out 1/3 of your brain, I accidently cut out 2/3 of your brain."
The patient replied "Qu'est-ce que vous avez dit, monsieur?"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-31-2006, 08:43 PM:
Rated G
Did you hear about the war between Newfoundland and Nova Scotia?
The Newfies were lobbing hand grenades; the Nova Scotians were pulling the pins and throwing them back.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-06-2006, 03:54 PM:
Rated G Alex
A Quebecer, staying in a hotel in Edmonton phoned room service for some pepper. "Black pepper, or white pepper?" asked the concierge.
"Toilette pepper!" yelled the Quebecer.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-06-2006, 03:58 PM:
Rated G Beverly
An American, a Scot and a Canadian were in a terrible car accident.
They were all brought to the same emergency room, but all
three of them died before they arrived. Just as they were
about to put the toe tag on the American, he stirred and opened his eyes.
Astonished,the doctors and nurses present asked him what happened. "Well," said the American, "I remember the crash, and then there was a beautiful light, and then the Canadian and the Scot and I were standing at the gates of heaven.
St.Peter approached us and said that we were all too young to die, and said that for a donation of $50, we could return to earth.So of course pulled out my wallet and gave him the $50, and the next thing I knew I was back here."
"Thats's amazing!" said the one of the doctors, "But what happened to the other two?"
"Last I saw them," replied the American, "the Scot was
haggling over the price and the Canadian was waiting for the government to pay his."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-22-2006, 10:49 AM:
Rated G Ed in Aurora. Ont.
Three Canadian blondes died and found themselves standing before St.Peter. He told them that before they could enter the Kingdom, they had to tell him what Easter represented.
The first blonde said, "Easter is a holiday where they have a big feast and we give thanks and eat turkey."
St. Peter said, "Noooooo!" and he banished her to Hell.
The second blonde said, "Easter is when we celebrate Jesus' birth and exchange gifts."
St. Peter said, "Noooooo!" and he banished her to Hell.
The third said, "Easter is a Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish festival of Passover. Jesus was having Passover feast with His disciples when He was betrayed by Judas, and the Romans arrested Him. The Romans hung Him on the cross and eventually He died. Then they buried Him in a tomb behind a very large boulder ."
St. Peter said, "Verrrrrry good."
Then the blonde continued, "Now, every year they roll away the boulder and Jesus comes out. If he sees his shadow, we have six more weeks of hockey."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 08-29-2006, 12:22 PM:
Rated G Ed in Aurora
Sign In a Canadian Store Window
"WE WOULD RATHER DO BUSINESS WITH 1000 AL QAEDA TERRORISTS THAN WITH ONE SINGLE CANADIAN"
This sign was prominently displayed in the window of a business in Hamilton. You are probably outraged at the thought of such an inflammatory statement. One would think that anti-hate groups from all across the country would be marching on this business and that the RCMP might have to be called to keep the angry crowds back. But, perhaps in these stressful times one might be tempted to let the proprietors simply make their statement . . We are a society which holds Freedom of Speech as perhaps our greatest liberty. And after all, it is just a sign.
You may ask what kind of business would dare post such a sign?
Answer:
A Funeral Home
(Who said morticians had no sense of humor?)
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-08-2006, 10:37 AM:
Rated G Ed in Aurora, Ont
The newfie saw the sign at the restaurant.
It read " Happy hour special: Lobster tail & Beer."
"Ah ," he says to himself , "My 3 favourite things! "
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-24-2006, 08:46 AM:
Rated G Ed in Aurora, Ont.
A company was looking to hire someone for an important position,so they interviewed dozens of applicants and narrowed their search down to three people from different parts of Canada.
In an attempt to pick one of them,they decided to give them all the same question to answer within 24 hours,and the one with the best answer would get the job.
The question was: A man and a woman are in bed,nude.The woman is lying on her side with her back facing the man,and the man is lying on his side facing the woman s back.
What is the man's name?
After the 24 hours was up,the three were brought in to give their answers.
The first from Vancouver,says,"My answer is,there is no answer."
The second,from Toronto,says,"My answer is,that there is no way to determine the answer with the information we were given."
The third one from Newfoundland says,"I'm not exactly sure,but I have it narrowed down to two names.
It's either: Willie Turner or Willie Nailer."
The Newfoundlander got the job.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-16-2006, 08:32 AM:
Rated G
How well do you know Canada. My score was 10 out of the 20 questions.
Good Luck.
http://www.joe-ks.com/archives_jul2004/Canada_Quiz.htm
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-20-2006, 07:08 AM:
Rated G Faye in Kingston
A Different Christmas Poem
The embers glowed softly, and in their dim light,
I gazed round the room and I cherished the sight.
My wife was asleep, her head on my chest,
My daughter beside me, angelic in rest.
Outside the snow fell, a blanket of white,
Transforming the yard to a winter delight.
The sparkling lights in the tree I believe,
Completed the magic that was Christmas Eve.
My eyelids were heavy, my breathing was deep,
Secure and surrounded by love I would sleep.
In perfect contentment, or so it would seem,
So slumbered I, perhaps I started to dream.
The sound wasn't loud, and it wasn't too near,
But I opened my eyes when it tickled my ear.
Perhaps just a cough, I didn't quite know, Then the
sure sound of footsteps outside in the snow.
My soul gave a tremble, I struggled to hear,
And I crept to the door just to see who was near.
Standing out in the cold and the dark of the night,
A lone figure stood, his face weary and tight.
A soldier, I puzzled, some twenty years old,
Perhaps a Ranger, huddled here in the cold.
Alone in the dark, he looked up and smiled,
Standing watch over me, and my wife and my child.
"What are you doing?" I asked without fear,
"Come in this moment, it's freezing out here!
Put down your pack, brush the snow from your sleeve,
You should be at home on a cold Christmas Eve!"
For barely a moment I saw his eyes shift,
Away from the cold and the snow blown in drifts…
To the window that danced with a warm fire's light
Then he sighed and he said "Its really all right,
I'm out here by choice. I'm here every night."
"It's my duty to stand at the front of the line,
That separates you from the darkest of times.
No one had to ask or beg or implore me,
I'm proud to stand here like my fathers before me.
My Gramps died in Europe on a day in December,"
Then he sighed, "That's a Christmas 'Gram always remembers."
My dad stood his watch in the jungles of 'Nam',
And now it is my turn and so, here I am.
I've not seen my own son in more than a while,
But my wife sends me pictures, he's sure got her smile.
Then he bent and he carefully pulled from his bag,
The red and the white ... a Canadian flag.
I can live through the cold and the being alone,
Away from my family, my house and my home.
I can stand at my post through the rain and the sleet,
I can sleep in a foxhole with little to eat.
I can carry the weight of killing another,
Or lay down my life with my sister and brother…
Who stand at the front against any and all,
To ensure for all time that this flag will not fall."
"So go back inside," he said, "harbor no fright,
Your family is waiting and I'll be all right."
"But isn't there something I can do, at the least,
"Give you money," I asked, "or prepare you a feast?
It seems all too little for all that you've done,
For being away from your wife and your son."
Then his eye welled a tear that held no regret,
"Just tell us you love us, and never forget.
To fight for our rights back at home while we're gone,
To stand your own watch, no matter how long.
For when we come home, either standing or dead,
To know you remember we fought and we bled.
Is payment enough, and with that we will trust,
That we mattered to you as you mattered to us."
Author unknown
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-11-2006, 05:10 PM:
Rated G Drew
A mature student was completing an application form for admission to the innovative M.D. program of the Faculty of Health Sciences at McMaster University in Hamilton, Ontario.
It included a questionnaire. He paused before answering the question, "Do you consider yourself a leader or a follower?"
He thought about it for some time and then wrote, "Although I have every confidence in myself and my abilities, I am also aware of my limitations, and so must say that I am a follower."
He mailed off the application form. A few weeks later he received a letter from the Faculty of Health Sciences. It began, "Congratulations on your successful application and on your honesty. This year there were 400 applicants and only 150 were successful. Be forewarned, however, that you are going to be the only follower among 149 leaders."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-01-2007, 08:19 AM:
Rated R Ross
This is a joke that is supposed to bring you luck.
An elderly woman walked into the Bank of Canada one morni ng with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.
After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president's
office.
The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied,
"$165,000". The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money. The elderly woman replied that she made bets.
The president was surprised and asked, "What kind of bets?"
The elderly woman replied, "Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square."
The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that.
The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, "Would you like to take my bet?"
"Certainly", replied the pre sident. "I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square."
"Done", the elderly woman answered. "But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 o' clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness." "No problem", said the president of the Bank confidently.
That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet.
The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the president's testicles were square.
The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. so that she and her lawyer could see clearly.
The president was happy to oblige.
The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the president if she could touch them. "Of course", said the president. "Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure."
The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied, "Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock in the morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Bank of Canada !"
The origin of this Canadian story is unknown but it brings luck to everyone to whom it is sent. Whoever breaks the chain would definitely be unlucky.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-03-2007, 12:09 PM:
Rated G Hank in Simi Valley
This got my endorphins soaring… very funny!
Now that Vancouver has won the chance to host the 2010 Winter Olympics, these are some questions people the world over are asking!!!!
Believe it or not these questions about Canada were posted on an International Tourism Website.
Q: I have never seen it warm on Canadian TV, so how do the plants grow?( England )
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around and watch them die.
Q: Will I be able to see Polar Bears in the street? ( USA )
A: Depends on how much you've been drinking.
Q: I want to walk from Vancouver to Toronto ; can I follow the Railroad tracks? ( Sweden )
A: Sure, it's only four thousand miles, take lots of water.
Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Canada ? ( Sweden )
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.
Q: It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places to contact for a stuffed Beaver. ( Italy )
A: Let's not touch this one.
Q: Are there any ATM's (cash machines) in Canada ? Can you send me a list of them in Toronto , Vancouver , Edmonton and Halifax ? ( England )
A: What did your last slave die of?
Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Canada ? ( USA )
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe . Ca-na-da is that big country to your North...oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Calgary . Come naked.
Q: Which direction is North in Canada ? ( USA )
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
Q: Can I bring cutlery into Canada ? ( England )
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? ( USA )
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Vancouver and in Calgary , straight after the hippo races. Now you come naked.
Q: Do you have perfume in Canada ? ( Germany )
A: No, WE don't stink.
Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you sell it in Canada ? ( USA )
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
Q: Can you tell me the regions in British Columbia where the female population is smaller than the male population? ( Italy )
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.
Q: Do you celebrate Thanksgiving in Canada ? ( USA )
A: Only at Thanksgiving.
Q: Are there supermarkets in Toronto and is milk available all year round? ( Germany )
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of Vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.
Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Canada , but I forget its name. It 's a kind of big horse with horns. ( USA )
A: It's called a Moose. They are tall and very violent, eating the brains of anyone walking close to them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? ( USA )
A: Yes, but you will have to learn it first.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-23-2007, 02:04 PM:
Rated G
GOOD:
A Saskatchewan policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but wasn't getting many. Then he discovered the problem - a 12-year-old boy was standing up the road with a hand painted sign, which read "RADAR TRAP AHEAD". The officer then found a young accomplice down the road with a sign reading "TIPS" and a bucket full of money.
And we used to just sell lemonade!)
BETTER:
A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated radar post in Edmonton AB. A $40 speeding ticket was included. Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $40. The police responded with another mailed photo of handcuffs.
BEST:
A young woman was pulled over for speeding. As the Saskatchewan R.C.M.P. Officer walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said, "I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the R.C.M.P. Ball. "He replied, "Ma'am, Saskatchewan R.C.M.P. don't have balls."
There was a moment of silence while she smiled, and he realized what he'd just said. He then closed his book, got back in his patrol car and drove off. She was laughing too hard to start her car.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-23-2007, 02:08 PM:
Rated G
For his birthday, little Patrick asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $80,000 and your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it."
The next day the father saw little Patrick heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going?"
Little Patrick told him, "I was walking past your room last night and I heard you telling mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with an $80,000 mortgage and no bike!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-27-2007, 07:14 AM:
Rated G Bev in Toronto
Once upon a time in heaven, God went missing for six days. Eventually, on the seventh day, Micheal, the archangel, found him.
"Look, Micheal. Look what I've made. It's a planet. And I've put LIFE on it. It will be called Earth, and it will be a planet of balance."
"Balance?" asked Micheal, confused.
"For example," continued God. "Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while Southern Europe will be poor. Over here I've placed a continent of white people, and over here a continent of black people. This one will be extremely hot and arid, while this one will be covered in ice."
Micheal, impressed by God's work, pointed at one landmass in the top corner and said, "What's that one?"
"Ah," said God. "That is Canada. The most glorious place on Earth. There are beautiful mountains, lakes, rivers, streams and an exquisite coastline. The people from Canada are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found travelling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hard working and high achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace. I'm also going to give them super-human, undefeatable ice hockey players who will be admired and feared by all who come across them."
"But what about the balance, God? The BALANCE?"
God replied wisely, "Wait until you see the loudmouthed bastards I'm putting UNDER them..."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 07-02-2007, 08:21 AM:
Rated G Faye in Kingston, Ont.
Canadian Eh!
A recent study found the average Canadian walks about 900 miles a year.
Another study found Canadians drink, on average, 22 gallons of beer a year.
That means, on average, Canadians get about 41 miles to the gallon.
Kind Of Makes You Proud To Be Canadian ...
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-06-2007, 07:22 PM:
Rated G Ed in Aurora, Ont.
Nominee for Best CANADIAN Joke of the year...
A Somali arrives in Toronto as a new immigrant to the Canada .
He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, 'Thank you Mr. Canadian for letting me in this country, giving me housing, Money for food, free medical care, and free education!'
The passerby says, 'You are mistaken, I am Jamaican.'
The man goes on and encounters another passerby.'Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in Canada !'
The person says, 'I not Canadian, I Vietnamese.'
The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, Shakes his hand and says, 'Thank you for the wonderful Canada !'
That person puts up his hand and says, 'I am from Middle East , I am Not Canadian!'
He finally sees a nice lady and asks, 'Are you an Canadian?'
She says, 'No, I am from Africa !'
Puzzled, he asks her, 'Where are all the Canadians?'
The African lady checks her watch and says...'Probably at work.'
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-17-2007, 02:14 PM:
Rated G Faye in Kingston
Why I Love Ontario ....
It's winter in Ontario
And the gentle breezes blow,
70 miles per hour at 52 below!
Oh, how I love Ontario
When the snow's up to your butt.
You take a breath of winter air
And your nose is frozen shut.
Yes, the weather here is wonderful,
I guess I'll hang around.
I could never leave Ontario,
'Cause I'm frozen to the ground.
*******************************************
The real Ontario Driver's Handbook
For anyone who has commuted or even just driven on the 401 through Toronto,the 2008 version of the Ontario Driver's Handbook has been rewritten to include the following guidance:
1. Turn signals will give away your next move. A confident Ontario driver avoids using them.
2. Under no circumstance should you maintain a safe distance between you and the car in front of you; the space will just be filled in by somebody else, putting you in an even more dangerous situation.
3. The faster you drive through a red light, the less of a chance you have of getting hit.
4. Warning! Never come to a complete stop at a stop sign. No-one
expects it and it will result in you being rear-ended.
5. Never get in the way of an older car that needs extensive
bodywork, especially with P.Q. or Maritime plates.With no fault insurance,the other operator has nothing to lose.
6. Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible to ensure that your ABS kicks in, giving a vigorous foot massage as the brake pedal violently pulsates. For those of you without ABS, it's a chance to strengthen your leg muscles.
7. Never pass on the left when you can pass on the right. It's a
good way to prepare other drivers entering the highway.
8. Speed limits are arbitrary figures; they are given only as a
suggestion and are not enforceable in Ontario during rush hour, especially in the G.T.A..
9. Just because you're in the left lane and have no room to speed up or move over doesn't mean that an Ontario driver flashing his high beams behind you doesn't think he can go faster in your spot.
10. Always brake and rubberneck when you see an accident or even
someone changing a tire. This is seen as a sign of respect for the victim.
11. Learn to swerve abruptly without signalling. Ontario is the home of high-speed slalom-driving, thanks to the Department of Public Works,which puts pot-holes in key locations to test drivers'reflexes and keep them alert.
12. It is tradition in Ontario to honk your horn at cars in front of you that do not move within three milliseconds of the light turning green.
13. To avoid injury in the event of a collision or roll-over, it is important to exit your vehicle through the windshield right away.Wearing your seat belt will only impede your hi-velocity escape from danger.
14. Remember that the goal of every Ontario driver is to get ahead of the pack by whatever means necessary.
THANK YOU
The Ontario Registrar of Motor Vehicles
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-12-2008, 01:31 PM:
Rated G Denny in Yonkers Newfie Joke
One hot summer day, a Newfie came to town with his dog, tied it
under the shade of a tree, and headed into the bar for a cold one.
Twenty minutes later, a policeman entered the bar and asked,
'Who owns the dog tied under that tree outside?'
The Newfie said it was his. 'Your dog seems to be in heat' the officer said.
The Newfie replied, 'No way. She's cool 'cause she's tied up
under that shade tree.
The policeman said, 'No! You don't understand. Your dog needs to be bred.'
'No way,' said the Newfie. 'That dog don't need bread. She ain't hungry cause I fed her this mornin'.'
The exasperated policeman said, 'NO! You don't understand; your dog wants to have sex!'
(You gotta love this)
The Newfie looked at the cop and said, 'Well, go ahead. I always wanted a police dog.'
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-18-2008, 10:23 AM:
Rated G Ed in Aurora, Ont.
CLASSIC VERSION:
The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool,and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed.. The shivering grasshopper has no food or shelter, so
he dies out in the cold.
THE END
THE CANADIAN VERSION:
The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. So far, so good, eh?
The shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others less fortunate, like him, are cold and starving.
The CBC shows up to provide live coverage of the shivering grasshopper, with cuts to a video of the ant in his comfortable warm home with a table laden with food.
Canadians are stunned that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so while others have plenty.
The NDP, the CAW and the Coalition Against Poverty demonstrate in front of the ant's house. The CBC, interrupting an Inuit cultural festival special from Nunavut with breaking news, broadcasts them singing 'We Shall Overcome.'
Jack Layton rants in an interview with Mike Duffy that the ant has gotten rich off the backs of grasshoppers, and calls for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his 'fair share'.
The Liberals draft the Economic Equity and Grasshopper Anti-Discrimination Act, retroactive to the beginning of the summer.
The ant's taxes are reassessed, and he is also fined for failing to hire grasshoppers as helpers.
Without enough money to pay both the fine and his newly imposed retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the government.
The ant moves to the US and starts a successful agribiz company.
The CBC later shows the now fat grasshopper finishing up the last of the ant's food, though spring is still months away, while the government house he is in, which just happens to be the ant's old house, crumbles around him because he hasn't bothered to maintain it.
Inadequate government funding is blamed, Bob Rae is appointed to head a commission of enquiry that will cost $10,000,000.
The grasshopper is soon dead of a drug overdose, the Toronto Star blames it on the obvious failure of government to address the root causes of despair arising from social inequity.
The abandoned house is taken over by a gang of immigrant spiders, praised by the government for enriching Canada 's multicultural diversity, who promptly set up a marijuana grow op and terrorize the community.
THE END
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-19-2008, 09:00 AM:
Rated G Dave in Aurora, Ont.
The Canadian Solution to Save Gasoline
Harper wants us to cut the amount of gasoline we use......
The best way to stop using so much gasoline is to deport 3 million illegal immigrants!
That would be 3 million less people using our gasoline. The price of gasoline would come down.....
Bring our troops home from Afghanistan to guard the Border....
When they catch an illegal immigrant crossing the Border, hand him a canteen, rifle and some ammo and ship him to Afghanistan ....
Tell him if he wants to come to Canada then he must serve a tour in the military....Give him a soldier's pay while he's there and tax him on it.....
After his tour, he will be allowed to become a citizen since he defended this country.....He will also be registered to be taxed and be a legal resident.... .
This option will probably deter illegal immigration and provide a solution for the troops in Afghanistan and the aliens trying to make a better life for themselves.. .....
If they refuse to serve, ship them to Afghanistan anyway, without the canteen, rifle or ammo..... Problem solved.....
If you think this is a good solution to both the problems, forward it to your friends. .........
I just did..........
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-19-2008, 06:00 PM:
Rated G
Canadian Twins Vacation
Siamese twins walk into a pub in Ontario and park themselves on a bar stool.
One of them says to the innkeeper, "Don't mind us, we're joined at the hip. I'm Joe, he's Jim, we'll have two Molson Canadian beers, draft please"
The innkeeper, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers.
"Been on holiday yet, boys?"
"Off to England next month," says Joe. "We go to England every year and hire a car and drive for miles, don't we, Jim?"
Jim agrees.
"Ah, England," says the innkeeper. "Wonderful country... the history, the beer, the culture..."
"Nah, we don't like that British crap," says Joe. "Hamburgers & Molson's beer, that's us, eh Jim? And we can't stand the English - they're arrogant and rude.”
"So why keep going to England?" asks the innkeeper.
Joe replies, "It's the only chance Jim gets to drive."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-27-2008, 08:28 PM:
Rated XX Dave in Aurora, Ont.
How tough are Canadians?
The scene is set
- a dark night, cold wind blowing, campfire flickering,stars twinkling in the dark sky.
Three hang-glider pilots are sitting by the campfire,
one from Canada, one from Seth Efrika and one from New Zulland.
Each embroiled in the bravado for which they are famous.
The night of tales begins...
Kiven the Kiwi says, 'I must be the meanest, toughest, heng glider there es. Why, jist the other day I linded in a field and scared a crocodeale, who came out of the swamp and ate sux min who were standen close by. I grebbed the crocodeale and wristled him to du ground and killed em with my beer hends'
Hansie from Seth Efrika who typically can't stand to be bettered said, 'Well you guys, I lended orfter a 200 mile flight in my heng glider on a tiny trail, and a Namibian snike slid out from under a rock and made a move on me. I grebbed de borsted with me bare hinds and beet it's head off ind then sucked the poison from it's body down in one gulp. End I'm still here today'
Colin the Canadian remained silent, slowly poking the fire with his penis.