When you get what you want
in your struggle
for self
And the world makes you
king for a day
Just go to the mirror and look
at yourself
And see what that man has
to say

For it isn't your father
mother or wife
Whose judgement upon you
must pass,
The fellow whose verdict
count's most in your life
Is the one staring back from
the glass

Some people may think
your a straight shooten
Chum
And call you a wonderful
guy
But the man in the glass
says your only a bum
If you can't look him
Straight in the eye.

He's the fellow to please,
never mind all the rest.
for he's with you clear up to
the end
And you've passed your most
dangerous difficult test
If the man in the glass is
your friend

You may fool the whole
world down the pathway of
life
And get pats on the back as
you pass
But your final reward will
be heartaches and tears
If you've cheated the man in
the glass
 

A Touching poem.....

Sometimes you will cry
and no one will see your tears...

Sometimes you will laugh
and no one will see you smile...

Sometimes you will fear
and no one will see you shudder...

Sometimes you will lie
and no one will catch you up...

Sometimes you will fall
and no one will see you struggle...

Sometimes you will be late
and no one seems to notice...

But fart just one time...
 

Osama Poem

Oh Osama Bin Laden
You Son of a Bitch
May Your Balls Develop
A 7 Year Itch

May Your Pecker Be Twisted
in Such a Manner
That Your Asshole Whistles
The Star Spangled Banner

God Bless America

Goddamn motherfuckin' son-of-a-bitch,
He parked his car in a whore house ditch.
He lined a hundred whores up against the wall,
I be damned if he didn't fuck'em all.
He fucked ninety-eight till his balls turned blue,
Backed off, jacked off, and fucked the other two.
 

There was an old man from Nantucket
Who had a cock so long he could suck it
He said with a grin, as he wiped off his chin,
"If my ear were a pussy, I'd fuck it!"
 

Milk Poem

The sky was dark
The moon was high
All alone
Just her and I
Her hair so soft
Her eyes so blue
I knew just what
She wanted to do
Her skin so soft
Her legs so fine
I ran my fingers
Down her spine
I didn't know how
But I tried my best
To place my hand
On her breasts
I remember my fear
My fast beating heart
But slowly she spread
Her legs apart
And when she did it
I felt no shame
All at once
The white stuff came
At last it's finished
It's all over now
My first time
Milking a cow!
 

The Drunk Poem

Starkle, starkle, little twink,
who the hell are you I think?
I'm not under what you call
the alcofluence of incohol.
I'm just a little slort of sheep,
I'm not drunk like thinkle peep.
I don't know who is me yet,
but the drunker I stand here,
the longer I get.
So, just give me one more fink to drill my cup,
cause I got all day sober to Sunday up.
 

Suzy Brown

There once was a girl named suzy brown
who thought no body could lay her down.
When over the hill came Pissball Pete
with forty feet of swinging meat.

He took here in the long green grass,
stuck his dick right up her ass.
Suzy brown let go a fart
blew his balls forty feet apart.

Over the hill came pissball pete
with forty feet of Shredded meat.

Mary had a little lamb
She also had a bear
I've often seen Mary's little lamb
but I've never seen her bare.
 

In the Garden of Eden,
as everyone knows,
Live Adam and Eve,
without any clothes.

In this garden,
were two little leaves,
One covered Adam's,
one covered Eve's.

As the story goes on,
never the less to say,
The wind came along,
and blew the leaves away.

At the sight,
Adam did stare,
There was Eve's treasure,
all covered with hair.

And wonder came,
under Eve's eyes,
As Adam's thing,
started to rise.

They found a spot,
that suited them best,
A nice big tree,
where they began to rest.

Her legs spread wider,
and wider apart,
While thrill after thrill,
came into her heart.

The head of Adam's thing,
peeked into the hole,
And filled her with passion,
beyond her control.

Backward and forward,
his thing did slide,
And Eve's treasure,
was all wet inside.

The joy was good,
she wouldn't let loose,
Until Adam's thing,
was all out of juice.
 

CARDS YOU WILL NEVER
SEE IN A HALLMARK STORE:

1. So your daughter's a hooker,
and it spoiled your day.
Look at the bright side,
it's really good pay.

2. My tire was thumping.
I thought it was flat.
When I looked at the tire.
I noticed your cat. Sorry!

3. You had your bladder removed
and you're on the mend.
Here's a bouquet of flowers,
and a box of Depends.

4. Happy Vasectomy!
Hope you feel zippy!
Cause when I had mine
I got real snippy.

5. Heard your wife left you.
How upset you must be.
But don't fret about it,
She moved in with me.

6. Looking back over the years that we've
been together, I can't help but wonder:
What the HELL was I thinking?

7. Congratulations on your wedding day!
Too bad no one likes your wife.

8. I must admit, you brought Religion into my life.
I never believed in Hell until I met you.

9. As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am
that you're not here to ruin it for me.

10. As you grow older, Mom,
I think of all the gifts you've given me.
Like the need for therapy...

11. Congratulations on your promotion. Before
you go, would you like to take this knife out
of my back? You'll probably need it again.

12. When we were together,
you always said you'd die for me.
Now that we've broken up,
I think it's time you kept your promise.

13. You are such a good friend
that if we were on a sinking ship
and there was only one life jacket...
I'd miss you heaps and think of you often.

14. Your friends and I wanted to do something
special for your birthday-
so we're having you put to sleep.

15. Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!!
(available only in Mississippi and Arkansas)
 

THE OUTHOUSE POEM

The service station trade was slow
The owner sat around,
With sharpened knife and cedar stick
Piled shavings on the ground.

No modern facilities had they,
The log across the rill
Led to a shack, marked His and Hers
That sat against the hill.

"Where is the ladies restroom, sir?"
The owner leaning back,
Said not a word but whittled on,
And nodded toward the shack.

With quickened step she entered there
But only stayed a minute,
Until she screamed, just like a snake
Or spider might be in it.

With startled look and beet red face
She bounded through the door,
And headed quickly for the car
Just like three gals before.

She missed the foot log - jumped the stream
The owner gave a shout,
As her silk stockings, down at her knees
Caught on a sassafras sprout.

She tripped and fell - got up, and then
In obvious disgust,
Ran to the car, stepped on the gas,
And faded in the dust.

Of course we all desired to know
What made the gals all do
The things they did, and then we found
The whittling owner knew.

A speaking system he'd devised
To make the thing complete,
He tied a speaker on the wall
Beneath the toilet seat.

He'd wait until the gals got set
And then the devilish tike,
Would stop his whittling long enough,
To speak into the mike.

And as she sat, a voice below
Struck terror, fright and fear,
"Will you please use the other hole,
We're painting under here!"

 

America Stands

Osama Bin Laden, your time is short;
We'd rather you die, than come to court.

Why are you hiding if it was in God's name?
Your just a punk with a turban; a pathetic shame.

I have a question, about your theory and laws;
"How come you never die for the cause?"

Is it because you're a coward who counts on others?
Well here in America, we stand by our brothers.

As is usual, you failed in your mission;
If you expected pure chaos, you can keep on wishing

Americans are now focused and stronger than ever;
Your death has become our next endeavor.

What you tried to kill, doesn't live in our walls;
It's not in buildings or shopping malls.

If all of our structures came crashing down;
It would still be there, safe and sound.

Because pride and courage can't be destroyed;
Even if the towers leave a deep void.

We'll band together and fill the holes
We'll bury our dead and bless their souls.

But then our energy will focus on you;
And you'll feel the wrath of the Red, White and Blue.

So slither and hide like a snake in the grass;
Because America's coming to kick your ass!!!

"God Bless America"
 

The Girl

A heart is not a play thing
A heart is not a toy
If you want it broken
Give it to a boy
They'll tear it to pieces
They'll step on it like glass
And when they come running back
say "HONEY KISS MY ASS!"
 

A little song to the tune of Puff the Magic Dragon

Once a pure white virgin lived by the sea,
She frolicked over pastrol fields her name Virginity.
A sweet young thing of just sixteen,
A rosebud ripe and firm.
She wandered over the verdent hills
Not knowing of the sperm.

Well, Fuck the Giant Penis lived not far away,
His cock was damn near two feet long, he poked one twice a day.
He was an Ivy leager, with vest and pinstripped shirt,
He drove a roadster XKE, that sexed up extrovert.

One day while he was roaming around the rural strips,
He spied her picking flowers there,
That bitch with swinging hips.
He jumped out of the driver's seat and grabbed her by her ass,
He tore off all her clothing and laid her in the grass.

Her maidenhead was busted, the ground ran bloody red,
He poked her til the twilight came, than took her home to bed.
He poked her til the sun rose, she begged for more and more,
He turned that pure white Virgin into a scanky whore!
 

Twisted

Late one night in the middle of the day,
two dead soldiers got up to fight,
back to back they faced each other,
pulled out their swords and shot one another,
a deaf policeman heard the noise
and shot the twice dead boys,
if you don't believe me ask the blind man
who saw it all through a knothole in a wooden brick wall

ladies and gentlemen,m
I stand before you to stand behind you
and tell you something
I know nothing about,
Thursday which is good Friday
we are having a fathers day celebration
for mothers only, admission is free,
pay at the door pull out a chair and sit on the floor
 

Ode to Valentine's Day

Hearts and roses and kisses galore...
What the hell is that schtuff for
People get mushy and start acting queer
It's definitely the most annoying day of the year.

This day needs to get the hell over with and pass.
Before I shove a dozen roses up Cupid's ass.
I'll spend the day so drunk I can't speak
And wear all black for the rest of the week.

Guys act all sweet but soon it will fade
For all they are doing is trying to get laid.
The arrow cupid shot at me must not have hit,
Because I think love is a bunch of shit.
 

Clinton Does Dr. Suess

I did not do it in a car

I did not do it in a bar

I did not do it in the dark

I did not do it in the park

I did not do it on a date

I did not ever fornicate

I did not do it at a dance

I did not do it in her pants

I did not get beyond first base

I did not do it in her face

I never did it in a bed

If you think that, you've been misled

I did not do it with a groan

I did not do it on the phone

I did not cause her dress to stain

I never boinked Saddam Hussein

I did not do it with a whip

I never fondled Linda Tripp

I never acted really silly

With volunteers like Kathleen Willey

There was one time, with Margaret Thatcher

I chased her 'round, but could not catch her

No kinky stuff, not on your life

I wouldn't, even with my wife

And Gennifer Flowers' tale of woes

Was paid for by my right-wing foes

And Paula Jones, and those State Troopers

Are just a bunch of party poopers

I did not ask my friends to lie

I did not hang them out to dry

I did not do it last November

But if I did, I don't remember

I did not do it in the hall

I could have, but I don't recall

I never did it in my study

I never did it with my dog, Buddy

I never did it to Sox, the cat

I might have-once-with Arafat

I never did it in a hurry

I never groped Ms. Betty Currie

There was no sex at Arlington

There was no sex on Air Force One

I might have copped a little feel

And then endeavored to conceal

But never did these things so lewd

At least, not ever in the nude

These things to which I have confessed

They do not count, if we stayed dressed

It never happened with a cigar

I never dated Mrs. Starr

I did not know this little sin

Would be retold on CNN

I broke some rules my Mama taught me

I tried to hide, but now you've caught me

But I implore, I do beseech

Do not condemn, do not impeach

I might have got a little tail

But never, never did I inhale.
 

Adam and Eve

In the Garden of Eden, as everyone knows,
Live Adam and Eve, without any clothes.
In this garden, were two little leaves,
One covered Adam's, one covered Eve's.

As the story goes on, never the less to say,
The wind came along, and blew the leaves away.
At the sight, Adam did stare,
There was Eve's treasure, all covered with hair.

And wonder came, under Eve's eyes,
As Adam's thing, started to rise.
They found a spot, that suited them best,
A nice big tree, where they began to rest.

Her legs spread wider, and wider apart,
While thrill after thrill, came into her heart.
The head of Adam's thing, peeked into the hole,
And filled her with passion, beyond her control.

Backward and forward, his thing did slide,
And Eve's treasure, was all wet inside.
The joy was good, she wouldn't let loose,
Until Adam's thing, was all out of juice.
 

When I'm an Old Lady!

WHEN I'M AN OLD LADY AND LIVE WITH MY KIDS
(workin' my way back to you dear)



When I'm an old lady, I'll live with each kid,
And bring so much happiness... just as they did.
I want to pay back all the joy they've provided,
Returning each deed. Oh, they'll be so excited!
(When I'm an old lady and live with my kids)




I'll write on the wall with reds, whites and blues,
And bounce on the furniture wearing my shoes.
I'll drink from the carton and then leave it out.
I'll stuff all the toilets and oh, how they'll shout!
(When I'm an old lady and live with my kids)



When they're on the phone and just out of reach,
I'll get into things like sugar and bleach,
Oh, they'll snap their fingers and then shake their head,
And when that is done I'll hide under the bed!
(When I'm an old lady and live with my kids)



When they cook dinner and call me to eat,
I'll not eat my green beans or salad or meat.
I'll gag on my okra, spill milk on the table,
And when they get angry I'll run... if I'm able!
(When I'm an old lady and live with my kids)



I'll sit close to the TV, through the channels I'll click,
I'll cross both my eyes just to see if they stick.
I'll take off my socks and throw one away,
And play in the mud 'til the end of the day!
(When I'm an old lady and live with my kids)



And later in bed, I'll lay back and sigh,
I'll thank God in prayer and then close my eyes.
My kids will look down with a smile slowly creeping,
And say with a groan. "She's so sweet ..... when she's sleeping!"
(When I'm an old lady and live with my kids)
 

~ A Tale of Woe, Not by Poe ~

with all apologies due to E. A. Poe

Once upon a midnight dreary,
fingers cramped and vision bleary,
Systems manuals piled high
and wasted paper on the floor,
Longing for the warmth of bedsheets,
Still I sat there, doing spreadsheets:
Having reached the bottom line,
I took a floppy from the drawer.
Typing with a steady hand,
I then invoked the SAVE command
But got instead a reprimand:
it read "Abort, Retry, Ignore".

Was this some occult illusion?
Some maniacal intrusion?
These were choices
Solomon himself had never faced before.
Carefully, I weighed my options.
These three seemed to be the top ones.
Clearly, I must now adopt one -
Choose: "Abort, Retry, Ignore".

With my fingers pale and trembling,
Slowly toward the keyboard bending,
Longing for a happy ending,
hoping all would be restored,
Praying for some guarantee
Finally I pressed a key -
But on the screen what did I see?
Again: "Abort, Retry, Ignore".

I tried to catch the chips off-guard -
I pressed again, but twice as hard.
Luck was just not in the cards,
I saw what I had seen before.
Now I typed in desparation,
Trying random combinations.
Still there came the incantation -
Choose: "Abort, Retry, Ignore".

There I sat, distraught, exhausted,
by my own machine accosted;
Getting up, I turned away
and paced across the office floor.
And then I saw an awful sight,
A bold and blinding flash of light,
A lightning bolt that cut the night
and shook me to my very core.
The PC screen collapsed and died,
"Oh no - my database", I cried.
I thought I heard a voice reply,
"You'll see your data - Nevermore!"

To this day I do not know
the place to which our data goes
Perhaps it goes to Heaven
where the angels have it stored.
But as for productivity - well,
I fear that it goes straight to hell.
And that's the tale I have to tell -
Your choice: Abort, Retry, Ignore.

 

My face in the mirror
Isn't wrinkled or drawn
.My house isn't dirty
The cobwebs are gone.
My garden looks lovely
And so does my lawn.
I think I might never
Put my glasses back on.
 

OVERTIME

Oh husband, dear husband, I tremble with fear,
You've been on overtime almost a year.
And since you are gone, so late at night
A good piece of ass seems way out of sight.

Oh husband, dear husband, please don't be a fool
Working this over time is wasting your tool.
For better it is to be poor all your life,
Than to bring a soft peter home to your wife.

I used to be happy as your little queen,
But now every night you're nowhere to be seen.
You come home from work just able to creep,
I feel like screwing, but you want to sleep.

Each morning, husband dear, you crawl into bed.
Your intentions are good, but your peter is dead.
I play with your pecker all wrinkled and dry,
I get so damn mad, I could lay down and cry.

I have played with you dear, with tears in my eyes,
I've played with your balls, but your pecker won't rise.
So I'll find me a man who works eight hours a day,
And while you're on O.T. we'll proceed to make hay.

For in this world, There is but ONE sin,
For which there's no pardon, and never has been.
And that is a man so foolish and mean,
That he give up fucking to run a machine!
 

Dust if you must . . . but wouldn't it be better
To paint a picture, or write a letter?
Bake a cake, or plant a seed?
Ponder the difference between want and need.

Dust if you must . . . but there is not much time,
With rivers to swim and mountains to climb!
Music to hear, and books to read;
Friends to cherish and life to lead.

Dust if you must . . . but the world's out there
With the sun in your eyes, wind in your hair;
A flutter of snow, a shower of rain:
This day will not come around again.

Dust if you must . . . but bear in mind,
Old age will come and it's not kind.
And when you go, and go you must,
You, yourself, will make more dust.

[Remember, a house becomes a home when you can write
"I Love You" on the furniture.

Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray my sanity to keep.
For if some peace I do not find,
I'm pretty sure I'll lose my mind.
I pray I find a little quiet
Far from the daily family riot.

May I lie back--not have to think
about what they're stuffing down the sink,
or who they're with, or where they're at
and what they're doing to the cat.
I pray for time all to myself
(did something just fall off a shelf?)

To cuddle in my nice, soft bed
(Oh no, another goldfish--dead!)
Some silent moments for goodness sake
(Did I just hear a window break?)
And that I need not cook or clean--
(well heck, I've got the right to dream)

Yes now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray me wits about me keep,
But as I look around I know--
I must have lost them long ago!
 

The golden years have come at last,
I cannot see, I cannot pee,
I cannot chew, I cannot screw,
My memory shrinks, my hearing stinks,
no sense of smell, I look like hell.
My body is drooping, got trouble pooping.
The golden years have come at last,
The golden years can kiss my ass!!

My nookie days are over, my pilot light is out...
What used to be my sex appeal is now my water spout...
Time was when of its own accord, from my trousers it would spring
But now I have a full time job to find the blasted thing

It used to be embarrising the way it would behave
For every single morning it would stand & watch me shave
As old age approaches it sure gives me the blues...
To see it hang its withered head & watch me shine my shoes.
 

Many, many years ago
when I was twenty three,
I got married to a widow
who was pretty as could be.

This widow had a grown-up daughter
who had hair of red.
My father fell in love with her,
and soon the two were wed.

This made my dad my son-in-law
And changed my very life.
My daughter was my mother,
For she was my father's wife.

To complicate the matters worse,
Although it brought me joy,
I soon became the father
Of a bouncing baby boy.

My little baby then became
A brother-in-law to dad.
And so became my uncle,
Though it made me very sad.

For if he was my uncle,
Then that also made him brother
To the widow's grown-up daughter
Who, of course, was my step-mother.

Father's wife then had a son.
who kept them on the run.
And he became my grandson,
For he was my daughter's son.

My wife is now my mother's mother
And it makes me blue.
Because, although she is my wife,
She is my grandma too.

If my wife is my grandmother,
Then I am her grandchild.
And every time I think of it,
It simply drives me wild.

For now I have become
The strangest case you ever saw.
As the husband of my grandmother,
I am my own grandpa.
 

SMILING is infectious, You catch it like the flu
When someone SMILED at me today, I started SMILING too
I passed around the corner and someone saw my grin
When he SMILED, I realized I'd passed it on to him.
I thought about that smile, then realized its worth,
A single SMILE just like mine could travel 'round the earth.
So if you feel a SMILE begin, don't leave it undetected.

LET'S START AN EPIDEMIC QUICK AND GET THE WORLD INFECTED!
 

Lets face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant or ham in hamburger, neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England nor French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet at all, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. Sometimes, I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. What other reason could there be for saying that people recite at a play and play at a recital? Or, ship cargo by truck and send cargo by ship? Or, have noses that run and feet that smell? How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? How can overlook and oversee be opposites, while quite a lot and quite a few are alike? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out, and in which an alarm goes off by going on. English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race which, of course, isn't a race at all. That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible. And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I end it.
 

"404" (Poem about the infamous "404 File not found" server error)

It is said, "To err is human,"
That quote from alt.times.lore,
Alas, you have made an error,
So I say, "404.

"Double-check your URL,
As we all have heard before.
You ask for an invalid file name,
And I respond, "404.

"Perhaps you made a typo--
Your fingers may be sore--
But until you type it right,
You'll only get 404.

Maybe you followed a bad link,
Surfing a foreign shore;
You'll just have to tell that author
About this 404.

I'm just a lowly server(
Who likes to speak in metaphor),
So for a request that I don't know,
I must return 404.

Be glad I'm not an old mainframe
That might just dump its core,
Because then you'd get a ten-meg file
Instead of this 404.

I really would like to help you,
But I don't know what you're looking for,
And since I don't know what you want,
I give you 404.

Remember Poe, insane with longing
For his tragically lost Lenore.
Instead, you quest for files.
Quoth the Raven, "404!"

Come listen to a story 'bout a man named John,
A poor ex-marine with his little wanker gone.
It seems one night after gettin' with the wife,
She lopped off his dong with the swipe of a knife.

Penis, that is.
Clean cut.
Missed his nuts.

Well, the next thing you know there's a Ginsu by his side,
And Lorena's in the car takin' Willie for a ride.
She soon got tired of her purple-headed friend,
Tossed him out the window as she went around a bend.

Curve, that is.
Tossed the nub.
In the shrub.

She went to the cops and confessed to the attack,
They called out the hounds just to get his weenie back.
They sniffed and they barked and they pointed "over there"
To John Wayne's henry that was waving in the air.

Found, that is.
By a fence.
Evidence.

Now peter and John couldn't stay apart for long,
So a dick doc said, "Hey, I can fix that dong!"
"A needle and a thread is all we're gonna need"
And the whole world waited till they heard that Johnny pee'd.

Whizzed, that is.
Straight stream.
Even seam.

Well he healed and he hardened and he took his case to court,
With a half-assed lawyer cause his assets came up short.
They cleared her of assault and acquitted him of rape
And his pecker was the only thing they didn't show on
tape.

Video, that is.
Unexposed.
Case Closed.

Y'all sleep on your stomachs now, ya hear?????

Whatever you give away today,
or think or say or do
will multiply about tenfold
and then return to you.

It may not come immediately,
nor from the obvious source
but the law applies unfailingly,
through some invisible force.

Whatever you feel about another,
be it love or hate or passion
will surely bounce right back to you
in some clear (or secret) fashion

If you speak about some person,
a word of praise or two,
soon, tens of other people
will speak kind words of you.

Our thoughts are broadcasts of the soul,
not secrets of the brain.
Kind ones bring us happiness;
petty ones, untold pain.

Giving works as surely
as reflections in a mirror.
If hate you send, hate you'll get back,
but loving brings love nearer.

Remember, as you start this day
and duty crowds your mind,
that kindness comes so quickly back
to those who first are kind.

Let that thought and this one
direct us through each day.
The only things we ever keep
are the things we give away.

~Author Unknown~
 

Buttprints In The Sand

One night I had a wondrous dream,
One set of footprints there were seen,
The footprints of my precious Lord,
But mine were not along the shore.

But then some stranger prints appeared,
And I asked the Lord, "What have we here?"
Those prints are large and round and neat,
"But Lord, they are too big for feet."

"My child," He said in somber tones,
"For miles I carried you alone.
I challenged you to walk in faith,
But you refused and made me wait."

"You disobeyed, you would not grow,
The walk of faith, you would not know,
So I got tired, I got fed up,
And there I dropped you on your butt."

"Because in life, there comes a time,
When one must fight, and one must climb,
When one must rise and take a stand,
Or leave their butt prints in the sand."

~Author Unknown~
 

Rated G

What I've Learned By Andy Rooney

I've learned....that the best classroom in the world is at the feet of an elderly person.

I've learned....that when you're in love,it shows.

I've learned....that just one person saying to me, "You've made my day!" makes my day.

I've learned....that having a child fall asleep in your arms is one of the most peaceful feelings in the world.

I've learned.... that being kind is more important than being right.

I've learned....that you should never say no to a gift from a child.

I've learned....that I can always pray for someone when I don't have the strength to help him in some other way.

I've learned....that no matter how serious your life requires you to be, everyone needs a friend to act goofy with.

I've learned....that sometimes all a person needs is a hand to hold
and a heart to understand.

I've learned....that simple walks with my father around the block on summer nights when I was a child did wonders for me as an adult.

I've learned....that life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.

I've learned....that we should be glad God doesn't give us everything we ask for.

I've learned....that money doesn't buy class.

I've learned....that it's those small daily happenings that make life so spectacular.

I've learned....that under everyone's hard shell is someone who wants to be appreciated and loved.

I've learned....that the Lord didn't do it all in one day. What makes me think I can?

I've learned....that to ignore the facts does not change the facts.

I've learned....that when you plan to get even with someone,you are only letting that person continue to hurt you.

I've learned....that love, not time, heals all wounds.

I've learned....that the easiest way for me to grow as a person
is to surround myself with people smarter than I am.

I've learned....that everyone you meet deserves to be greeted with a smile.

I've learned....that there's nothing sweeter than sleeping with your babies and feeling their breath on your cheeks.

I've learned....that no one is perfect until you fall in love with them.

I've learned....that life is tough, but I'm tougher.

I've learned....that opportunities are never lost; someone will take the ones you miss.

I've learned....that when you harbor bitterness, happiness will dock elsewhere.

I've learned....that I wish I could have told my Mom that I love her, one more time, before she passed away.

I've learned....that one should keep his words both soft and tender, because tomorrow he may have to eat them.

I've learned....that a smile is an inexpensive way to improve your looks.

I've learned....that I can't choose how I feel, but I can choose what I do about it.

I've learned....that when your newly born grandchild holds your little finger in his little fist, that you're hooked for life.

I've learned....that everyone wants to live on top of the mountain,
but all the happiness and growth occurs while you're climbing it.

I've learned....that it is best to give advice in only two circumstances; when it is requested and when it is a life-threatening situation.

I've learned....that the less time I have to work with, the more things I get done.

~by Andy Rooney~

Girl Poem

I shave my legs,
I sit down to pee,
And I can justify any,
shopping spree

Don't go to a barber,
but a beauty salon.
I can get a massage
without a hard-on.

I can balance the checkbook,
I can pump my own gas.
Can talk to my friends,
about the size of my ass.

My beauty's a masterpiece,
and yes, it takes long.
At least I can admit,
to others when I'm wrong.

I don't drive in circles,
at any cost.
And I don't have a problem,
admitting I'm lost.

I never forget,
an important date.
You just gotta deal with it,
I'm usually late.

I don't watch movies,
with lots of gore.
Don't need instant replay,
to remember the score.

I don't lose my hair,
I don't get jock itch.
And just cause I'm assertive,
Don't call me a bitch.

Don't say to your friends,
Oh yeah, I can get her.
In your dreams, my dear,
I can do better!

Flowers are okay,
But jewelry's best.
Would you look at my face,
Not at my chest!

I don't have a problem,
With Expressing my feelings.
I know when you're lying,
You look at the ceiling.

Don't call me a girl,
A babe or a chick.
I am a WOMAN,
Get it, you prick?!
 

A SOUTHERN LOVE POEM

Suzy Lee she fell in love.
And planned to marry Joe.
She was so happy 'bout it all,
she told her pappy so.

Pappy told her, "Suzie Gal,
you'll have to find another.
I'd just as soon yo' maw don't know,
but Joe is yo' half-brother."

So Suz forgot about her Joe
and planned to marry Will.
But after telling Pappy this,
he said "There's trouble still."

"You ken not marry Will, my gal,
And please don't tell yo' mother,
'cause Will and Joe and several mo'
I know be yo' half-brother."

But Mama knew, for then she said,
"Just do what makes you happy.
Marry Will or marry Joe.
You ain't no kin to Pappy!"
 

I Want To Know

I want to know, when day is done,
That life has been worth living,
That I have brought somebody joy
Through kind, unselfish giving.

I want to feel, when evening falls
and shadows quickly lengthen
That I have made somebody glad,
Some weakness I have strengthened.

I want to know that come what may
I've left some cheer and gladness;
I want to feel at close of day
I've banished someone's sadness.

I want to feel at close of day
That someone's cares were lighter
Because of kindness I have done,
May someone's life be brighter

~By Martha White~
 

I know I have a friend
Who'll stay right by my side,
Never judging my mistakes,
Only filling me up with pride

My friend, my precious friend
There is not one I know
As loyal and good as you

I have a terrific friend
That friend, my friend, is you
You're patient, kind & caring
And honest through and through

My friend, my precious friend
There are but scattered few
As special as you

I have a wonderful friend
Who can uplift my soul
How did I have such luck
To meet one pure and whole?

My friend, my precious friend
I am so lucky
To be blessed by you

~By Dobhran~
 

Memorial Day

These men and women
Soldiers all
They served us proud
Their duty call

They gave their lives
For us to be
Safe from harm
And living free

Don't ignore peace
Lest we forget
The greatest gift
From each honored vet

Keep their spirit close
In memory
They died protecting
Our liberty

These men and women
Soldiers all
They served us proud
Their duty call

They gave their lives
For us to be
Safe from harm
And living free

Don't ignore peace
Lest we forget
The greatest gift
From each honored vet

Keep their spirit close
In memory
They died protecting
Our liberty

~By Dobhran~
 

IF I COULD

If I could catch a rainbow
I would do it just for you

And share with you its beauty
On the days you're feeling blue

If I could build a mountain
You could call your very own

A place to find serenity
A place to be alone

If I could take your troubles
I would toss them in the sea

But all these things I'm finding
Are impossible for me

I cannot build a mountain
Or catch a rainbow fair

But let me be what I know best
A friend that's always there.

~Sandra Lewis Pringle~
 

HOLD HER AND LOVE HER

My name was first Samantha
In the days long, long ago.
My Ma Ma was a little girl
And Oh, I loved her so!
She clapped her hands and hugged me tight
When she found me underneath the tree
That frosty Christmas morning
In eighteen ninety three.
No dolly ever had such love.
Or knew a greater pride.
Ma Ma kept my clothes just so
And I was always at her side.
The happy days were soon to pass,
Ma Ma looked at me one day
And said "I've grown too old for dolls
I must put you away."

So for many years I never knew
The darkness from the night.
But one day I was awakened from my sleep
and brought out into the light.
The one who held me in her hands
Wore clothes so strange to see,
Her eyes were hard, he lips were stern.
I did not like her holding me.
"This must have been Grandma's doll,"
she cried,
"A real antique. How nice,
And in very good condition too,
She should bring a fancy price."

Now I have a new Ma Ma
She says I cost her dear,
But she never holds me in her arms,
Or says things I like to hear.
She puts me in a room of glass
With dolls all in a row,
And she has given me another name.
She calls me Bebe Bru.

My curls are brushed, my clothes are fine
and lots of people come to stare.
But there is no love light in their eyes,
No one to really care.
How I long for hugs and kisses
And a little girl with whom to play.
My new Ma Ma just comes and looks
And then she goes away.
If she knew I was just plain Samantha
and not Bebe Bru,
Do you suppose I would know the love again
I once knew long ago?!

~Author Unknown~
 

The Magic Of Love

Love is like magic
and it always will be,
For love still remains
life's sweet mystery.

Love works in ways
that are wondrous and strange
And there's nothing in life
that love cannot change!

Love can transform
the most commonplace
Into beauty and splendor
and sweetness and grace.

Love is unselfish,
understanding and kind,
For it sees with its heart
and not with its mind.

Love is the answer
that everyone seeks...
Love is the language
that every heart speaks.

Love can't be bought,
it is priceless and free,
Love, like pure magic,
is life's sweet mystery!

~by Helen Steiner Rice~
 

A Little Moment Of Joy

Twenty years ago, I drove a cab for a living. It was a cowboy's life, a life for someone who wanted no boss. What I didn't realize was that it was also a ministry.

Because I drove the night shift, my cab became a moving confessional. Passengers climbed in, sat behind me in total anonymity, and told me about their lives. I encountered people whose lives amazed me, ennobled me, made me laugh and weep.

But none touched me more than a woman I picked up late one August night.

I was responding to a call from a small brick fourplex in a quiet part of town. I assumed I was being sent to pick up some partiers, or someone who had just had a fight with a lover, or a worker heading to an early shift at some factory for the industrial part of town.

When I arrived at 2:30 a.m., the building was dark except for a single light in a ground floor window. Under these circumstances, many drivers would just honk once or twice, wait a minute, then drive away. But I had seen too many impoverished people who depended on taxis as their only means of transportation. Unless a situation smelled of danger, I always went to the door. This passenger might be someone who needs my assistance, I reasoned to myself. So I walked to the door and knocked.

"Just a minute," answered a frail, elderly voice. I could hear something being dragged across the floor. After a long pause, the door opened. A small woman in her 80s stood before me. She was wearing a print dress and a pillbox hat with a veil pinned on it, like somebody out of a 1940's movie.

By her side was a small nylon suitcase. The apartment looked as if no one had lived in it for years. All the furniture was covered with sheets. There were no clocks on the walls, no knickknacks or utensils on the counters. In the corner was a cardboard box filled with photos and glassware.

"Would you carry my bag out to the car?" she said.

I took the suitcase to the cab, then returned to assist the woman. She took my arm and we walked slowly toward the curb. She kept thanking me for my kindness.

"It's nothing," I told her. "I just try to treat my passengers the way I would want my mother treated."

"Oh, you're such a good boy," she said.

When we got in the cab, she gave me an address, then asked, "Could you drive through downtown?"

"It's not the shortest way," I answered quickly.

"Oh, I don't mind," she said. "I'm in no hurry. I'm on my way to a hospice."

I looked in the rear view mirror. Her eyes were glistening. "I don't have any family left," she continued. "The doctor says I don't have very long."

I quietly reached over and shut off the meter. "What route would you like me to take?" I asked.

For the next two hours, we drove through the city. She showed me the building where she had once worked as an elevator operator. We drove through the neighborhood where she and her husband had lived when they were newlyweds. She had me pull up in front of a furniture warehouse that had once been a ballroom where she had gone dancing as a girl. Sometimes she'd ask me to slow in front of a particular building or corner and would sit staring into the darkness, saying nothing.

As the first hint of sun was creasing the horizon, she suddenly said, "I'm tired. Let's go now."

We drove in silence to the address she had given me. It was a low building, like a small convalescent home, with a driveway that passed under a portico. Two orderlies came out to the cab as soon as we pulled up. They were solicitous and intent, watching her every move. They must have been expecting her. I opened the trunk and took the small suitcase to the door. The woman was already seated in a wheelchair.

"How much do I owe you?" she asked, reaching into her purse.

"Nothing," I said.

"You have to make a living," she answered.

"There are other passengers," I responded.

Almost without thinking, I bent and gave her a hug. She held onto me tightly.

"You gave an old woman a little moment of joy," she said. "Thank you."

I squeezed her hand, then walked into the dim morning light. Behind me, a door shut. It was the sound of the closing of a life.

I didn't pick up any more passengers that shift. I drove aimlessly, lost in thought. For the rest of that day, I could hardly talk. What if that woman had gotten an angry driver, or one who was impatient at the end his shift? What if I had refused to take the run, or had honked once, then driven away?

On a quick review, I don't think that I have done anything more important in my life. We're conditioned to think that our lives revolve around great moments. But great moments often catch us unaware--beautifully wrapped in what others may consider a small one.

People may not remember exactly what you did, or what you said,
...but they will always remember how you made them feel.

~Author Unknown~
 

You Never Know

You never know when someone
might catch a dream from you.
Or something you say may open up the windows
of a mind that seeks light;
The way you live may not matter at all,
But you never know, it might.
And just in case it could be
that another's life, through you,
might possibly change for the better
with a better and brighter view,
it seems it might be worth a try
at pointing the way to the right;
Of course, it may not matter at all,
but then again, it might.

~Author Unknown~
 

Three Marbles

During the waning years of the Depression in a small southeastern Idaho community, I used to stop by Brother Miller's roadside stand for farm-fresh produce as the season made it available. Food and money were still extremely scarce and bartering was used, extensively. One particular day Brother Miller was bagging some early potatoes for me. I noticed a small boy, delicate of bone and feature, ragged but clean, hungrily apprising a basket of freshly picked green peas. I paid for my potatoes but was also drawn to the display of fresh green peas. I am a pushover for creamed peas and new potatoes. Pondering the peas I couldn't help overhearing the conversation between Brother Miller and the ragged boy next to me:

"Hello Barry, how are you today?"

"H'lo, Mr. Miller. Fine, thank ya. Jus' admirin' them peas......sure look good."

"They are good, Barry. How's your Ma?"

"Fine. Gittin' stronger alla'time."

"Good. Anything I can help you with "

No, Sir. Jus' admirin' them peas."

"Would you like to take some home?"

"No, Sir. Got nuthin' to pay for 'em with."

"Well, what have you to trade me for some of those peas?"

"All I got's my prize aggie-best taw around here."

"Is that right? Let me see it."

"Here 'tis. She's a dandy."

"I can see that. Hmmmm, only thing is this one is blue and I sort of go for red. Do you have a red one like this at home?"

"Not 'zackley .....but, almost."

"Tell you what. Take this sack of peas home with you and next trip this way let me look at that red taw."

"Sure will. Thanks, Mr. Miller."

Mrs. Miller, who had been standing nearby, came over to help me. With a smile she said: "There are two other boys like him in our community, all three are in very poor circumstances. Jim just loves to bargain with them for peas, apples, tomatoes or whatever. When they come back with their red marbles, and they always do, he decides he doesn't like red after all and he sends them home with a bag of produce for a green marble or an orange one, perhaps."

I left the stand, smiling to myself, impressed with this man. A short time later I moved to Utah but I never forgot the story of this man, the boys and their bartering.

Several years went by each more rapid than the previous one. Just recently I had occasion to visit some old friends in that Idaho community and while I was there learned that Brother Miller had died. They were having his viewing that evening and knowing my friends wanted to go, I agreed to accompany them.

Upon our arrival at the mortuary we fell into line to meet the relatives of the deceased and to offer whatever words of comfort we could. Ahead of us in line were three young men. One was in an army uniform and the other two wore short haircuts, dark suits and white shirts obviously potential or returned missionaries.

They approached Mrs. Miller, standing smiling and composed, by her husband's casket. Each of the young men hugged her, kissed her on the cheek, spoke briefly with her and moved on to the casket. Her misty light blue eyes followed them as, one by one, each young man stopped briefly and placed his own warm hand over the cold pale hand in the casket. Each left the mortuary, awkwardly, wiping his eyes.

Our turn came to meet Mrs. Miller. I told her who I was and mentioned the story she had told me about the marbles. Eyes glistening she took my hand and led me to the casket.

"This is an amazing coincidence," she said. "Those three young men, that just left, were the boys I told you about. They just told me how they appreciated the things Jim "traded" them. Now, at last, when Jim could not change his mind about color or size...they came to pay their debt. We've never had a great deal of the wealth of this world," she confided, "but, right now, Jim would consider himself the richest man in Idaho."

With loving gentleness she lifted the lifeless fingers of her deceased husband. Resting underneath were three, magnificently shiny, red marbles.

"Three Marbles" was written by W. E. Petersen,
and published in the October, 1975 "Ensign" magazine.
 

GOD SPEAK TO ME

The man whispered,
"God, speak to me"
and a meadowlark sang-
But the man did not hear.

So the man yelled,
"God speak to me!"
And the thunder rolled across the sky-
But the man did not listen.

The man looked around and said,
"God let me see you"
And a star shone brightly-
But the man did not notice.

And the man shouted,
"God show me a miracle"
And a life was born-
But the man did not know.

So, the man cried out in despair,
"Touch me God and let me know that you are here!"
Whereupon God reached down and touched the man.
But the man brushed the butterfly away
And walked on.

Don't miss out on a blessing
because it isn't packaged
the way you expect it to be.

~Author Unknown~
 

Rated G

I just wanted to say "Hello!"

"Have a great day!"

Because you deserve it.

Life is so short And we hurry on through it Well,
I just wanted to slow downAnd say "Hello!"

I just wanted to say "Take care!"

"Hope you're doing well!"

Because you need to hear it Life is so meaningless If no one stops to care about us
Well, I just wanted to hug you And say "Take care!"

I just wanted to say "Bless you!"

"Hope your day is bright!"

Because I want to say if Life can really sparkle If we work on friendship every day. Well,I just wanted to show my thanks And say "Bless you!"

"Hello, friend!"

"Take care!"

"Bless you!"
 

Who needs drugs or alcohol when there
are so many natural highs, like:

Falling in love...

Laughing so hard your face hurts...

Hugging the person you love...

Getting mail/email...

A hot shower...

No lines at the Super Wal-mart...

A special glance...

Taking a drive on a pretty road...

Lying in bed listening to the rain outside...

Hearing your favorite song on the radio...

Sitting by a campfire with your love
watching the embers...

Finding the item you want is
on sale for half price...

Chocolate milkshake...

A phone call from your baby...

A bubble bath...

Hot towels out of the dryer...

Just simply giggling...

A good conversation...

Finding a $20 bill in your coat from last winter...

Laughing at yourself...

Running through sprinklers...

Laughing for absolutely no reason at all...

Having someone tell you
that you're beautiful...

Laughing at an inside joke...

Accidentally overhearing someone say something nice about you...

Waking up and realizing you still
have a few hours left to sleep...

Late night talks with your lover...

Playing with a new puppy...

Having someone massage your head...

Sweet dreams...

A steaming cup of hot chocolate...

Road trips with your baby...

Watching a good movie cuddled up on
a couch with someone you love...

Swinging on swings...

Wrapping presents under the Christmas tree
with Christmas music playing with your love...

Song lyrics printed inside your new CD so you can
sing along without feeling stupid...

Going to a really good concert...

Getting butterflies in your stomach every
time you see that one person...

Making eye contact with a cute stranger...

Making chocolate chip cookies!

Having your friends send you homemade cookies!

Spending time with close friends...

Winning a really competitive game...

The feeling after running a few
miles...an accomplishment!

The feeling you get the first time
you step on stage...

Going to the beach...

Seeing smiles and hearing
laughter from your friends...

Holding hands with someone
you care about...

A nice, long backrub...

Running into an old friend and realizing that
some things (good or bad) never change...

Discovering that love is unconditional
and stronger with time...

Watching the expression on someone's face as they
open a much-desired present from you...

Riding the best roller coasters
over and over...

Kisses on your forehead from the first
and only person you have ever loved...

Watching the sunrise...

Getting out of bed every morning and thanking
God for another beautiful day...

Yesterday I met a stranger...

Today this stranger is my friend.

Had I not taken the time to say Hello,
or return a smile,
or shake a hand,
or listen,
I would not have known this person.

Yesterday would have turned into today
and our chance meeting would be gone.

Yesterday I hugged someone very dear to me.

Today they are gone...

and tomorrow will not bring them back.

Wouldn't it be nice if we all knew
tomorrow would be here?

But this is not to be,
so take the time TODAY
to give a hug,a smile,
an "I LOVE YOU."
~Author Unknown~


 

ME MUDDER

When me prayers were poorly said

Who tucked me in me widdle bed

And spanked me till me ass was wed

Me Mudder

Who took me from me cozy cot

And put me on the ice cold pot

And made me pee if I could not

Me Mudder

And when the morning light would come

And in me crib me dribbled some

Who wiped me tiny widdle bum

Me Mudder

Who would me hair so neatly part

And hug me gently to her heart

Who sometimes squeezed me till me fart

Me Mudder

Who looked at me with eyebrows knit

And nearly have a king size fit

When in me Sunday pants me shit

Me Mudder

When at night her bed did squeak

Me raised me head to have a peak

Who yelled at me to go to sleep

Me Farver!

~Author Unknown~
 

AN OLD ELVIS SONG....
Come on...sing along everybody...

Are you lonesome tonight?
Does your tummy feel tight?
Did you bring your mylanta and tums?
Does your memory stray,
To that bright sunny day,
When you had all your teeth and your gums?

Is your hairline receding?
Your eyes growing dim?
Hysterectomy for her,
And its prostate for him.
Does your back give you pain?
Do your knees predict rain?
Tell me dear, are you lonesome tonight?

Is your blood pressure up?
Good cholesterol down?
Are you eating your low fat cuisine?
All that oat bran and fruit,
Metamucil to boot.
Helps you run like
A well oiled machine.

If it's football or baseball,
He sure knows the score.
Yes, he knows where it's at
But forgets what it's for.
So your gallbladder's gone,
But your gout lingers on,
Tell me dear, are you lonesome tonight?

When you're hungry, he's not,
When you're cold, he is hot,
Then you start that old thermostat war.
When you turn out the light,
He goes left and you go right,
Then you get his great symphonic snore.

He was once so romantic,
So witty and smart;
How did he turn out to be such
A cranky old fart?
So don't take any bets,
It's as good as it gets,
Tell me dear, are you lonesome tonight?

Ladies and gentlemen,
Elvis has left the building.
 

MY SPECIAL LIST

I have a list of folks I know...
all written in a book,
And every now and then..
I go and take a look.

That is when I realize
these names... they are a part,
not of the book they're written in...
but taken from the heart.

For each Name stands for someone...
who has crossed my path sometime,
and in that meeting they have become...
the reason and the rhyme.

Although it sounds fantastic...
for me to make this claim,
I really am composed...
of each remembered name.

Although you're not aware...
of any special link,
just knowing you, has shaped my life...
more than you could think.

So please don't think my greeting...
as just a mere routine,
your name was not ever
forgotten in between.

For when I send a greeting...
that is addressed to you,
it is because you're on the list...
of folks I'm indebted to.

So whether I have known you...
for many days or few,
in some ways you have a part...
in shaping things I do.

I am but a total...
of many folks I've met,
you are a friend I would prefer...
never to forget.

Thank you for being my friend!

~Author Unknown~

Rated G

WHEN TOMORROW STARTS WITHOUT ME

A few weeks ago I talked to a man whose wife had just been killed in an auto accident. She was very well liked at the school where she worked and the school system shut down on Monday for her funeral. On the day the teachers came back to work, they found this poem in their e-mail which the woman had sent on Friday before she left school.

When tomorrow starts without me
And I'm not there to see,
If the sun should rise and find your eyes
All filled with tears for me;

I wish so much you wouldn't cry
The way you did today,
While thinking of the many things,
We didn't get to say.

I know how much you love me,
As much as I love you,
And each time that you think of me,
I know you'll miss me too;

But when tomorrow starts without me,
Please try to understand,
That an angel came and called my name,
And took me by the hand,

And said my place was ready,
In heaven far above,
And that I'd have to leave behind
All those I dearly love.

But as I turned to walk away,
A tear fell from my eye
For all my life, I'd always thought,
I didn't want to die.

I had so much to live for,
So much left yet to do,
It seemed almost impossible,
That I was leaving you.

I thought of all the yesterdays,
The good ones and the bad,
I thought of all the love we shared,
And all the fun we had.

If I could relive yesterday,
Just even for a while,
I'd say good-bye and kiss you
And maybe see you smile.

But then I fully realized,
That this could never be,
For emptiness and memories,
Would take the place of me.

And when I thought of worldly things,
I might miss come tomorrow,
I thought of you, and when I did,
My heart was filled with sorrow.

But when I walked through Heaven's gates,
I felt so much at home.
When God looked down and smiled at me,
From His great golden throne,

He said, "This is eternity,
And all I've promised you.
Today your life on earth is past,
But here life starts anew.

"I promise no tomorrow,
But today will always last,
And since each day's the same way
There's no longing for the past.

"You have been so faithful,
So trusting and so true.
Though there were times
You did some things
You knew you shouldn't do.

"But you have been forgiven
And now at last you're free.
So won't you come and take my hand
And share my life with me."

So when tomorrow starts without me,
Don't think we're far apart,
For every time you think of me,
I'm right here, in your heart.

~By David M. Romano, 1993~
 

Things Divine

These are the things I hold divine:
A trusting child's hand laid in mine,

Rich brown earth and wind-tossed trees,
The taste of grapes and the drone of bees,

A rhythmic gallop, long June days,
A rose-hedged lane and lovers' lay,

The welcome smile on neighbors' faces,
Cool, wide hills and open places,

Breeze-blown fields and silver rye,
The wild, sweet note of the plover's cry,

Fresh spring flowers and scent of box,
The soft pale tint of the garden phlox,

Lilacs blooming, a drowsy noon,
Rolling Meadows and storm-washed heights,

A fountain murmur on summer nights,
A dappled fawn in the forest hush,

Simple words and the song of thrush,
Rose-red dawns and a mate to share,

With comrade soul my gypsy fare,
A waiting fire when the twilight ends,

A gallant heart and the voice of friends.

~Author Unknown~
 

Thank You

I was walking my dogs early this morning
before the sun came up when I noticed
that it had frosted last night.
The frost on the grass sparkled in the moonlight.

It was so beautiful. It was like
the Earth itself were made of crystal.
I thanked God for such a wonderful sight.

Later in the morning
as I looked out my window after breakfast
I saw the most spectacular sunrise.

The heavens were a glorious blend
of pink, purple, and red.
I thanked God for sharing it with me.

Thank you is such a beautiful phrase.
It says it all. Every single prayer
should begin with the words,
"Thank you."

Don't be afraid to say thank you then.

Don't forget to be thankful.

When you say thank you your whole world
becomes more beautiful,
joyous, and loving.

Say thank you then to family, friends,
acquaintances, and even strangers.
Say thank you to yourself

when you do something good.
Most of all, though,
say thank you to God for all
that you've been blessed with.

~By Joseph Mazella~
 

MAY YOU ALWAYS FEEL LOVED

May you find serenity and tranquility in a world you may not always understand.

May the pain you have known
and the conflict you have experienced
give you the strength to walk through life
facing each new situation
with optimism and courage.

Always know that there are those
whose love and understanding
will always be there
even when you feel most alone.

May you discover enough goodness in others
to believe in a world of peace.

May a kind word, a reassuring touch,
a warm smile, be yours every day of your life,
and may you give these gifts as well as receive them.

Remember the sunshine when the storm seems unending.

Teach love to those who know hate,
and let that love embrace you as you go into the world.

May the teaching of those you admire
become part of you,
so that you may call upon them.

Remember, those whose lives you have touched
and who have touched yours are always a part of you,
even if the encounters were less
than you would have wished.

May you not become too concerned
with material matters, but instead place
immeasurable value on the goodness in your heart.

Find time in each day to see the beauty
and love in the world around you.

Realize that each person has limitless abilities,
but each of us is different in our own way.

What you may feel you lack in one regard
may be more than compensated for in another.

What you feel you lack in the present
may become one of your strengths in the future.

May you see your future
as one filled with promise and possibility.

Learn to view everything
as a worthwhile experience.

May you find enough inner strength
to determine your own worth by yourself,
and not be dependent on another's judgements
of your accomplishments.

May you always feel loved.

~by Sandra Sturtz Hauss~
 

Portrait Of A Friend

I can't give solutions to all
of life's problems, doubts, or fears.
But I can listen to you,
and together we will search for answer.

I can't change your past
with all its heartache and pain,
or the future with its untold stories.
But I can be there now
when you need me to care.

I can't keep your feet
from stumbling.
I can only offer my hand
that you may grasp it and not fall.

Your joys, triumphs, successes,
and happiness are not mine.
Yet, I can share in your laughter.

Your decisions in life are not
mine to make, nor to judge.
I can only support you, encourage you,
and help you when you ask.

I can't prevent you from falling
away from friendship,
from your values, from me.
I can only pray for you,
talk to you and wait for you.

I can't give you boundaries,
which I have determined for you.
But I can give you the room to change,
room to grow, room to be yourself.

I can't keep your heart
from breaking or hurting.
But I can cry with you
and help you pick up the pieces
and put them back in place.

I can't tell you who you are.
I can only love you and be your friend.

~by Caramel Kitty~
 

Rated G

I BELIEVE

I believe in miracles
and dreams that will come true.
I believe in tender moments
and friendship, through and through.

I believe in stardust
and moonbeams all aglow.
I believe there's magic
and more there than we know.

I believe in reaching out
and touching from the heart.
I believe that if we touch,
a gift we can impart.

I believe that if you cry
your tears are not in vain.
And when you're sad and lonely,
others know your pain.

I believe that when we laugh
a sparkle starts to shine.
And I just know that spark will spread
from more hearts than just mine.

I believe that hidden
in the quiet of the night.
There's magic moths and gypsies,
a fairy and a sprite.

I believe that if you dance
the dances of your heart,
that greater happiness will find
a brand new way to start.

I believe the gifts you have,
are there for you to share.
And when you give from the heart,
the whole world knows you care.

I believe that if you give,
even just to one.
That gift will grow in magnitude,
before the day is done.

I believe that comfort comes
from giving part of me.
And if I share with others,
there's more for all to see.

I believe that love is still
the greatest gift of all.
And when it's given from the heart,
then not one of us will fall.

~By Ruth Bourdon~
 

The Blessed Test

I woke up this morning
and knew that today,
the sun would not be shining
and the clouds would be gray.

As I stepped outside,
rain fell upon my head.
My car wouldn't start
so I walked to school instead.

I forgot all of my assignments.
I failed all of my tests.
I dropped my head in disgust
and asked the Lord for one request.

"Lord, why is that things
won't go my way?"
He gently replied, "Dear child
it is because you didn't thank me yesterday.

I woke you up and enable you
to see the sun again
I gave you shelter, protected your family,
and even let you make a new friend.

I blessed you far greater
than I have before.
But you were too busy
to thank me once more.

You don't feel sick
because I maintained your health.
You had money in your pocket
because I maintained your wealth.

You had shoes on your feet
and clothes to wear, too.
You had plenty of food to eat,
and what did you do?

You ignored me
and went about your tasks.
But when you wanted something
you never hesitated to ask.

I was there when you needed me,
and that wasn't too long ago.
But when things started going your way,
it was me you did not know.

As if that weren't enough,
I provided my favorite luxuries.
This was something I didn't have to do
- they weren't even necessities.

And when it was time to get on your knees
and show your gratitude,
you decided that after such a fulfilling day,
you weren't in the mood.

So I decided to give
you a little test.
To show you how it would feel
to stop being blessed."

I began to realize
what the Lord was saying.
And when I got home I fell
to my knees and started praying.

He said, "My child you have learned
and you know I do forgive.
But remember to remember this day
as long as you shall live.

I love filling your life with joy,
and your pain I'll alleviate it.
But just a simple thank you would show
how much you appreciate it."

~Author Unknown~

"Take a moment to listen today
"To what your children are trying to say.

"Listen today, whatever you do,
"Or they won't be there to listen to you.

"Listen to their problems, listen to their needs;
"Praise their smallest triumphs, praise their smallest deeds.

"Tolerate their chatter, amplify their laughter,
"Find out what's the matter, find out what they're after-

"But tell them that you love them, every single night,
"And though you scold them, be sure you hold them tight

"Tell them, 'Everything's all right-Tomorrows looking bright!"
" Take a moment to listen today ,
" To what your children are trying to say.

"Listen today, whatever you do,
"And they will come back to listen to you."

Author Unknown
 

True friends will always stay with you,
Through good times and through bad.
They'll take the time to listen,
When something's made you sad.

When you're feeling lonely,
They'll let you know they care.
They may be very busy but,
They'll find the time to share.

True friends are happy for you,
When good things come your way.
They'll celebrate your triumphs,
And encourage you each day.

If you have a friend that's true,
Count your blessings for this gift.
For that will stay with you forever,
When the rest have gone adrift.

© 2001 by Marian Jones

 

Drinking From My Saucer

I've never made a fortune
and it's probably too late now.
But I don't worry about that much,
I'm happy anyhow.

And as I go along life's way,
I'm reaping better than I sowed.
I'm drinking from my saucer,
'cause my cup has overflowed.

Haven't got a lot of riches,
and sometimes the going's tough.
But I've got loving ones around me,
and that makes me rich enough.

I thank God for his blessings,
and the mercies He has bestowed.
I'm drinking from my saucer,
'cause my cup has overflowed.

O, Remember times when
things went wrong,
My faith wore somewhat thin.
but all at once the dark clouds broke,
and sun peeped through again.

So Lord, help me not to gripe about
the tough rows that I've hoed.
I'm drinking from my saucer,
'cause my cup has overflowed.

If God gives me strength & courage,
when the way grows steep and rough.
I'll not ask for other blessings,
I'm already blessed enough.

And may I never be too busy,
to help others bear their loads.
Then I'll keep drinking
from my saucer,
'Cause my cup has overflowed.

~Lyrics By Jimmy Dean~
 

For all of you aspiring poets out there...

There once was a young man from Lyme
Who couldn't get his limericks to rhyme.
When asked, "Why not?"
It was said that he thought
They were probably too long and badly structured and not at all
very funny.

 

Do you like green eggs and ham?

I do not like them green eggs and ham.
I despise them, Sam-I-am.

Would you like them far or near?

I wouldn’t like them far or near,
I wouldn’t like them there or here.
And as for with a fuzzy fox?
You might as well stick me in a box!!
And send me off aboard the next train,
And make me eat them in the rain!
Or lock me in a haunted house,
Where my only companion is the mouse!
Why can’t you get it through your head?
It’s something that I’ve said and said...
I do not like green eggs and ham!
I do not like them, Sam-I-Am.

I’m sorry Gramps, but the doctor said
That you must spend the week in bed.
And to keep you to a limited food
So you’ll just have to sit and brood
For another seven tedious days
Then you can return to your ways,
Of loading up on sugars and sweets
Or what you like to call your much needed treats.
But till the seven days are up
You still count as one sick pup.
Its nothing but green eggs and ham
Cooked by the only Sam-I-am.

 

The Heart Of A Woman

They smile when they want to scream.
They sing when they want to cry.
They cry when they are happy
and laugh when they are nervous.

They fight for what they believe in.
They stand up against injustice.
They don't take "no" for an answer
when they believe there is a better solution.

They go without new shoes
so their children can have them.
They go to the doctor
with a frightened friend.

They love unconditionally.
They cry when their children excel
and cheer when their friends get awards.
They are happy when they hear
about a birth or a new marriage.

Their hearts break when a friend dies.
They have sorrow at the loss of a family member,
yet they are strong when they think
there is no strength left.

They know that a hug
and a kiss
can heal a broken heart.

Women come in all sizes,
in all colors and shapes.
They'll drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you
to show how much they care about you.

The heart of a woman is what makes the world spin!
Women do more than just give birth.
They bring joy and hope.
They give compassion and ideals.
They give moral support to their family and friends.

Women have a lot to say and a lot to give.

~Author Unknown~


 

Just for today...

I will live through the next twelve hours
and try not to tackle all of
life's problems at once.

I will learn something useful.

I will learn something
that requires effort, thought
and concentration.

I will be agreeable.

I will look my best,
be courteous
and considerate.

I will not find fault with friend,
relative or colleague.

I will not try to change anyone but myself.

I will have a program.
I might not follow it exactly,
but I will have it.
It will save myself from two enemies
- hurry and indecision.

I will believe in myself.

I will give my best to the world,
and feel confident that the world
will give its best to me.

~by Ruth Bourdon~


 

~ FREEDOM ~

THE ORIGINAL VERSION:
If you love something,
Set it free...
If it comes back, it's yours,
If it doesn't, it never was yours....

THE PESSIMIST VERSION:
If you love somebody,
Set her free ...
If she ever comes back, she's yours,
If she doesn't, well, as expected, she never was.

THE OPTIMIST VERSION:
If you love somebody,
Set her free ...
Don't worry, she will come back.

THE SUSPICIOUS VERSION:
If you love somebody,
Set her free ...
If she ever comes back, ask her why.

THE IMPATIENT VERSION:
If you love somebody,
Set her free ...
If she doesn't comes back within some time limit,
forget her.

THE PATIENT VERSION:
If you love somebody,
Set her free ...
If she doesn't come back, continue to wait
until she comes back ...

THE PLAYFUL VERSION:
If you love somebody,
Set her free ...
* If she comes back, and if you love her still,
set her free again, repeat *

THE LAWYER'S VERSION:
If you love somebody,
Set her free...
Clause 1a of Paragraph 13a-1 in the second
amendment of the Matrimonial Freedom Act clearly states that...

THE BILL GATES VERSION:
If you love somebody,
Set her free...
If she comes back,
I think we can charge her for re-installation fees
and tell her that she's also going to get an upgrade.

THE STATISTICIAN'S VERSION::
If you love somebody,
Set her free...
If she loves you, the probability of her coming back is high
If she doesn't, your relationship was improbable anyway.

THE POSSESSIVE VERSION:
If you love somebody
don't ever set her free.

THE MBA VERSION:
If you love somebody
set her free...
instantaneously...
and look for others simultaneously.

THE PSYCHOLOGIST'S VERSION:
If you love somebody
set her free...
If she comes back, her super ego is dominant
If she doesn't come, back her id is supreme
If she doesn't go, she must be crazy.

THE FINANCE EXPERT VERSION:
If you love somebody
set her free...
If she comes back, its time to look for fresh loans.
If she doesn't, write her off as an asset gone bad.

THE MARKETING VERSION:
If you love somebody
set her free...
If she comes back, she has brand loyalty
If she doesn't, reposition the brand in new markets.

 

Rated G

This poem was written by an old woman living in a nursing home in England. It was found among her things when she died.

What do you see, nurses? What do you see?
Are you thinking when you look at me?
A crabby old woman, not very wise,
Uncertain of habit, with far away eyes,

Who dribbles her food and makes no reply
When you say in a loud voice- "I do wish you'd try."
Who seems not to notice, The things that you do,
And forever is losing a sock or a shoe.

Who unresisting or not, lets you do as you will,
With bathing and feeding, the long day to fill.
Is that what you think, is that what you see?
Open your eyes, nurse, you're not looking at me.

I'll tell you who I am, as I sit here so still,
As I use at your bidding, and eat at your will,
I'm a small child of ten, with a father and mother,
Brothers and sisters who loved one another,

A young girl of 16, with wings on her feet,
Dreaming that soon now a lover she'll meet.
A bride soon at 20, my heart give a leap.
Remembering the vows that I promised to keep.

At 25 now, I have young of my own,
Who need me to build a secure, happy home.
A women of 30, my young now grow so fast,
Bound to each other with ties that should last.

At 40, my young sons have grown and are gone,
But my man's beside me to see I don't mourn.
At 50 once more, babies play round my knee,
Again we know children, my loved one and me.

Dark days are upon me, my husband is dead.
I look at the future and shudder with dread.
For my young are all rearing young of their own,
And I think of the years and the love that I've known,

I'm an old women now and nature is cruel,
Tis her jest to make old age look like a fool.
The body, it crumbles, grace and vigor depart.
There is now a stone where I once had a heart.

But inside this old carcass a young girl still dwells,
And now and again, my battered heart swells,
I remember the joys and I remember the pain,
And I'm living and loving life over again,

I think of the years all too few- gone too fast,
And accept the stark fact that nothing can last.
Open your eyes, nurse open and see.
Not an empty old women, look closer- see ME.

~Author Unknown~

I went into a public-’ouse to get a pint o’ beer,
The publican ’e up an’ sez, “We serve no red-coats here.”
The girls be’ind the bar they laughed an’ giggled fit to die,
I outs into the street again an’ to myself sez I:

O it’s Tommy this, an’ Tommy that, an’ “Tommy, go away”;
But it’s “Thank you, Mister Atkins”, when the band begins to play,—
The band begins to play, my boys, the band begins to play,
O it’s “Thank you, Mister Atkins”, when the band begins to play.
I went into a theatre as sober as could be,
They gave a drunk civilian room, but ’adn’t none for me;
They sent me to the gallery or round the music-’alls,
But when it comes to fightin’, Lord! they’ll shove me in the stalls!

For it’s Tommy this, an’ Tommy that, an’ “Tommy, wait outside”;
But it’s “Special train for Atkins” when the trooper’s on the tide,—
The troopship’s on the tide, my boys, the troopship’s on the tide,
O it’s “Special train for Atkins” when the trooper’s on the tide.
Yes, makin’ mock o’ uniforms that guard you while you sleep
Is cheaper than them uniforms, an’ they’re starvation cheap;
An’ hustlin’ drunken soldiers when they’re goin’ large a bit
Is five times better business than paradin’ in full kit.

Then it’s Tommy this, an’ Tommy that, an’ “Tommy, ’ow’s yer soul?”
But it’s “Thin red line of ’eroes” when the drums begin to roll,—
The drums begin to roll, my boys, the drums begin to roll,
O it’s “Thin red line of ’eroes” when the drums begin to roll.
We aren’t no thin red ’eroes, nor we aren’t no blackguards too,
But single men in barricks, most remarkable like you;
An’ if sometimes our conduck isn’t all your fancy paints,
Why, single men in barricks don’t grow into plaster saints;

While it’s Tommy this, an’ Tommy that, an’ “Tommy, fall be’ind”,
But it’s “Please to walk in front, sir”, when there’s trouble in the wind,—
There’s trouble in the wind, my boys, there’s trouble in the wind,
O it’s “Please to walk in front, sir”, when there’s trouble in the wind.
You talk o’ better food for us, an’ schools, an’ fires, an’ all:
We’ll wait for extry rations if you treat us rational.
Don’t mess about the cook-room slops, but prove it to our face
The Widow’s Uniform is not the soldier-man’s disgrace.

For it’s Tommy this, an’ Tommy that, an’ “Chuck him out, the brute!”
But it’s “Saviour of ’is country” when the guns begin to shoot;
An’ it’s Tommy this, an’ Tommy that, an’ anything you please;
An’ Tommy ain’t a bloomin’ fool—you bet that Tommy sees!

[from "Barrack Room Ballads"]

A Mother's Prayer

Tonight I picked up Joshua's toys and put them all away. And
frowned to think of so much work created by his play.

But as I closed the small toy crate, I turned and saw him there
Asleep upon his little bed, hugging the Teddy bear.

Resentment fled and in it's stead I felt such love and care
And kneeling by his little bed I whispered this small prayer.

"Oh, Lord, today I screamed at Joshua, some small mistake he'd made
His hazel eyes grew wide with fear as I finished my tirade.

And later when he came to me to share some childish treasure,
Oh, Lord, I acted so impatient, he felt my keen displeasure.

And once I even struck him when he got out of hand
His little body wracked with sobs, he couldn't understand.

Oh, Lord, you know I'm truly sorry for the awful things I've done.
Help me be a better mother, teach me how to love my son.

Show me how to be more gentle with each childish little whim,
And when I hurt within, Oh GOD! don't let me take it out on him."

I felt a whole lot better when I'd said this little prayer.
I kissed my baby's tear-stained cheek and smoothed his golden hair.

And I whispered confidentially to dear old Teddy bear:
"Tomorrow will be different I know, I've said a prayer!"

(Crystal L. Jackson; from Poetry.com)

EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON

Sometimes people come into your life and you know right away that they were meant to be there…to serve some sort of purpose, teach you a lesson or help figure out who you are or who you want to become. You never know who these people may be but you lock eyes with them, you know that very moment that they will affect your life in some profound way.

And sometimes things happen to you at the time that may seem horrible, painful and unfair, but in reflection you realize that without overcoming those obstacles you would never realize your potential, strength, will power or heart.

Everything happens for a reason. Nothing happens by chance or by means of luck. Illness, love, lost moments of true greatness and sheer stupidity all occur to test limits of your soul.

Without these small tests, life would be like a smoothly paved, straight, flat road to nowhere safe and comfortable but dull and utterly pointless.

The people you meet affect your life. The successes and downfalls that you experience can create whom you are, and the bad experiences can be learned from. In fact they are probably the most poignant and important ones. If someone hurts you, betrays you or breaks your heart, forgive them because they have helped you learn about trust and the importance of being cautious to whom you open your heart.

If someone loves you, love them back unconditionally, not only because they love you, but also because they are teaching you to love and open your heart and eyes to little things. Make every day count. Appreciate everything that you possibly can, for you may never experience it again.

Talk to people whom you have never talked to before, and actually listen. Let yourself fall in love, break free and set your sights high. Hold you head up because you have every right to.

Tell yourself you are a great individual and believe in yourself for if you don't believe in yourself, no one else will believe in you. Create you own life and then go out and live it.

Share this with anyone whom you believe
has made a difference in your life!

"If you take your eyes off your goals, all you see is obstacles."

~Author Unknown~

Submitted by: Harry Updegraff, Jr.


 

THE SECOND TEN COMMANDMENTS

1. Thou shall not worry,
for worry is the most unproductive of all human activities.

2. Thou shall not be fearful,
for most of the things we fear never come to pass.

3. Thou shall not cross bridges before you come to them,
for no one yet has succeeded in accomplishing this.

4. Thou shall face each problem as it comes.
You can only handle one at a time anyway.

5. Thou shall not take problems to bed with you,
for they make very poor bedfellows.

6. Thou shall not borrow other people's problems.
They can better care for them than you can.

7. Thou shall not try to relive yesterday for good or ill,
it is forever gone. Concentrate on what is happening
in your life and be happy now!

8. Thou shall be a good listener,
for only when you listen do you hear ideas different from
your own. It is hard to learn something new when you are
talking, and some people do know more than you do.

9. Thou shall not become "bogged down" by frustration,
for 90% of it is rooted in self-pity and will only
interfere with positive action.

10. Thou shall count thy blessings,
never overlooking the small ones,
for a lot of small blessings add up to a big one

~By Ruth Bourdon~


 

Once upon a time
In a land far away
A beautiful, independent
Self-assured princess
Happened upon a frog as she sat
Contemplating ecological issues
On the shores of an unpolluted pond
In a verdant meadow near her castle.
A frog hopped into the princess's lap
And said: Elegant lady,
I was once a handsome prince
Until an evil witch cast a spell upon me.
One kiss from you, however,
And I will turn back
Into the dapper young prince that I am;
And then, my sweet, we can marry
And set up housekeeping in yon castle
With my mother,
Where you can prepare my meals,
Clean my clothes, bear my children,
And forever feel grateful and happy doing so.
That night, As the
princess dined sumptuously
On a repast of lightly sauteed frogs' legs
Seasoned in a white wine & onion cream sauce,
She chuckled and said softly to herself:
"I don't friggin' think so!"

 

AGING

Oh, give me back my days of youth
When life was full of fun
And all my limbs were limber
Did I say all? Well, all but one.

And now I'm growing old and gray
And lifes work is nearly done
And all my limbs are growing stiff
Did I say all? Well, all but one.

Nursery Rhymes That Didn't Catch On

Mary had a little lamb
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her,
between two chunks of bread.

Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet,
her clothes all tattered and torn.
It wasn't the spider that crept up beside her,
But Little Boy Blue and his horn.

Simple Simon met a Pieman,
going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the Pieman,
What have you got there?
Said the Pieman unto Simon,
Pies, you dickhead.

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the kings horses and all the kings men,
said "Fuck him, He's only an egg.

Georgie Porgy pudding and pie.
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
When the boys came out to play,
He kissed them too, cause he was gay.

Jack and Jill went up the hill
to have a little fun.
Stupid Jill forgot her pill
and now they have a son.

Old Mother Hubbard
Went to the cupboard
to fetch her poor dog a bone.
When she bent over
Rover took over,
And gave her a bone of his own.

Little Boy Blew.
Hey. He needed the money.
 

Dr. Seuss on the Golden Years:

I cannot see

I cannot pee

I cannot chew

I cannot screw

My memory shrinks

My hearing stinks

No sense of smell

I look like hell

My body's drooping

Have trouble pooping

The Golden Years have come at last

The Golden Years can kiss my ass!

 

The Man from Sparta

There was a young fellow from Sparta.
A really magnificent farter.
On the strength of one bean
He'd fart "God Save the Queen,"
And Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata.

He could vary, with proper persuasion,
His fart to suit any occasion.
He could fart like a flute,
Like a lark, like a lute,
This highly fartistic Caucasian.

This sparkling young farter from Sparta,
His fart for no money would barter.
He could roar from his rear
Any scene from Shakespeare,
Or Gilbert and Sullivan's Mikado.

Nobody could play the classics finer,
As he showed me one day in the diner.
I had a bagel with lox
while he played from his buttocks:
Chopin's Etude #12 in C-minor.

He'd fart a gavotte for a starter,
And fizzle a fine serenata.
He could play on his anus
The Coriolanus:
Oof, boom,er-tum,tootle, yum tah-dah!

He was great in the Christmas Cantata,
He could double-stop fart the Toccata,
He'd boom from his ass
Bach's B-Minor Mass,
And in counterpoint, La Traviata.

Spurred on by a very high wager
With an envious German named Bager,
He'd proceeded to fart
The complete oboe part
Of a Haydn Octet in B-major.

His reportoire ranged from classics to jazz,
He achieved new effects with bubbles of gas.
With a good dose of salts
He could whistle a waltz
Or swing it in razzamatazz.

His basso profundo with timbre so rare
He rendered quite often, with power to spare.
But his great work of art,
His fortissimo fart,
He saved for the Marche Militaire.

One day he was dared to perform
The William Tell Overture Storm,
But naught could dishearten
Our spirited Spartan,
For his fart was in wonderful form.

It went off in capital style,
And he farted it through with a smile,
Then, feeling quite jolly,
He tried the finale,
Blowing double-stopped farts all the while.

The selection was tough, I admit,
But it did not dismay him one bit,
Then, with his ass thrown aloft
He suddenly coughed...
And collapsed in a shower of shit.

His bunghole was blown back to Sparta,
Where they buried the rest of our farter,
With a gravestone of turds
Inscribed with the words:
"To the Fine Art of Farting, A Martyr."

NY SPECIAL FRIEND

I have a list of folks I know...
all written in a book,
And every now and then..
I go and take a look.

That is when I realize
these names... they are a part,
not of the book they're written in...
but taken from the heart.

For each Name stands for someone...
who has crossed my path sometime,
and in that meeting they have become...
the reason and the rhyme.

Although it sounds fantastic...
for me to make this claim,
I really am composed...
of each remembered name.

Although you're not aware...
of any special link,
just knowing you, has shaped my life...
more than you could think.

So please don't think my greeting...
as just a mere routine,
your name was not ever
forgotten in between.

For when I send a greeting...
that is addressed to you,
it is because you're on the list...
of folks I'm indebted to.

So whether I have known you...
for many days or few,
in some ways you have a part...
in shaping things I do.

I am but a total...
of many folks I've met,
you are a friend I would prefer...
never to forget.

Thank you for being my friend!

~Author Unknown~



 

I thought this was cool...read it aloud and think Dr. Seuss....smile


Dr. Seuss Explains...Why Computers Sometimes Crash

(Read this aloud, if you can!)

If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,
and the bus is interrupted at a very last resort,
and the access of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,
then the socket packet pocket has an error to report.

If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,
and the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash,
and your data is corrupted cause the index doesn't hash,
then your situation's hopeless and your system's gonna crash!!

If the label on the cable on the table at your house
says the network is connected to the button on yourmouse,
but your packets want to tunnel to another protocol,
that's repeatedly rejected by the printer down thehall,
and your screen is all distorted by the side effectsof gauss,
so your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse;
then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang,
'cuz sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang!

When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy in the disk,
and the macro code instructions cause unnecessary risk,
then you'll have to flash the memory
and you'll want to RAM your ROM.
Quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your Mom!

(WELL! That certainly clears things up for ME)
 

Rated G

GOD'S LITTLE BOXES

I have in my hands two boxes
which God gave me to hold

He said, "Put all your sorrows in the black,
And all your joys in the gold."

I heeded His words, and in the two boxes
Both my joys and sorrows I stored

But though the gold became heavier each day
The black was as light as before

With curiosity, I opened the black
I wanted to find out why

And I saw, in the base of the box, a hole
Which my sorrows had fallen out by.

I showed the hole to God, and mused aloud,
"I wonder where my sorrows could be."

He smiled a gentle smile at me.
"My child, they're all here with me."

I asked, "God, why give me the boxes,
Why the gold, and the black with the hole?"

"My child, the gold is for you to count your blessings,
The black is for you to let go."

~Author Unknown~


 

The Clothesline Said So Much

A clothesline was a news forecast
To neighbors passing by.
There were no secrets you could keep
When clothes were hung to dry.

It also was a friendly link
For neighbors always knew
If company had stopped on by
To spend a night or two.

For then you'd see the fancy sheets
And towels on the line;
You'd see the company table clothes
With intricate design.

The line announced a baby's birth
To folks who lived inside
As brand new infant clothes were hung
So carefully with pride.

The ages of the children could
So readily be known
By watching how the sizes changed
You'd know how much they'd grown.

It also told when illness struck,
As extra sheets were hung;
Then nightclothes, and a bathrobe, too,
Haphazardly were strung.

It said, "Gone on vacation now"
When lines hung limp and bare.
It told, "We're back!" when full lines sagged
With not an inch to spare.

New folks in town were scorned upon
If wash was dingy gray,
As neighbors raised their brows,
And looked disgustedly away.

But clotheslines now are of the past
For dryers make work less.
Now what goes on inside a home
Is anybody's guess.

I really miss that way of life.
It was a friendly sign
When neighbors knew each other best
By what hung on the line!

Anonymous Author

 

The Lord's Baseball Game

Bob and the Lord stood by to observe a baseball game. The Lord's team was playing Satan's team. The Lord's team was at bat, the score was tied zero to zero, and it was the bottom of the 9th inning with two outs.

They continued to watch as a batter stepped up to the plate whose name was Love. Love swung at the first pitch and hit a single, because Love never fails.

The next batter was named Faith, who also got a single because Faith works with Love.

The next batter up was named Godly wisdom. Satan wound up and threw the first pitch. Godly Wisdom looked it over and let it pass: Ball one. Three more pitches and Godly Wisdom walked, because Godly wisdom never swings at what Satan throws. The bases were loaded.

The Lord then turned to Bob and told him He was now going to bring in His star player. Up to the plate stepped Grace.

Bob said, "He sure doesn't look like much!"

Satan's whole team relaxed when they saw Grace. Thinking he had won the game, Satan wound up and fired his first pitch. To the shock of everyone, Grace hit the ball harder than anyone had ever seen. But Satan was not worried; his center fielder let very few get by. He went up for the ball, but it went right through his glove, hit him on the head and sent him crashing on the ground; then it continued over the fence for a home run!

The Lord's team won.

The Lord then asked Bob if he knew why Love, Faith, and Godly Wisdom could get on base but could not win the game. Bob answered that he did not know why.

The Lord explained, "If your love, faith and wisdom had won the game you would think you had done it by yourself. Love, faith and wisdom will get you on base, but only My Grace can get you home.

~Author Unknown~


 

Paradox Of Our Time?

The paradox of our time in history is that
we have taller buildings but shorter tempers,
wider freeways, but narrower viewpoints.
We spend more, but have less.
We buy more, but enjoy less.

We have bigger houses and smaller families,
more conveniences, but less time.
We have more degrees but less sense,
more knowledge, but less judgment,
more experts, yet more problems,
more medicine, but less wellness.

We drink too much,
smoke too much,
spend too recklessly,
laugh too little,
drive too fast,
get too angry,
stay up too late,
get up too tired,
read too little,
watch TV too much,
and pray too seldom.

We have multiplied our possessions,
but reduced our values.
We talk too much, love too seldom,
and hate too often.
We've learned how to make a living,
but not a life.
We've added years to life not life to years.

We've been all the way to the moon and back,
but have trouble crossing the street to meet a new neighbor.
We conquered outer space but not inner space.
We've done larger things, but not better things.
We've cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul.
We've conquered the atom, but not our prejudice.
We write more, but learn less.
We plan more, but accomplish less.
We've learned to rush, but not to wait.

We build more computers to hold more information,
to produce more copies than ever,
but we communicate less and less.
These are the times of fast foods and slow digestion,
big men and small character,
steep profits and shallow relationships.
These are the days of two incomes but more divorce,
fancier houses, but broken homes.
These are days of quick trips, disposable diapers,
throw-away morality, one night stands, overweight bodies,
and pills that do everything from cheer to quiet, to kill.

It is a time when there is much in the showroom
window and nothing in the stockroom.
A time when technology can bring this letter to you,
and a time when you can choose
either to share this insight,
or to just hit delete.

Remember, spend some time with your loved ones,
because they are not going to be around forever.

Remember, say a kind word to someone
who looks up to you in awe,
because that little person soon will grow up
and leave your side.

Remember, to give a warm hug
to the one next to you,
because that is the only treasure
you can give with your heart
and it doesn't cost a cent.

Remember, to say, "I love you?"
to your partner and your loved ones,
but most of all mean it.
A kiss and an embrace will mend hurt when it
comes from deep inside of you.

Remember to hold hands
and cherish the moment for
someday that person will not be there again.
Give time to love, give time to speak
and give time to share
the precious thoughts in your mind.

~By George Carlin~


 

When an old lady died in the geriatric ward of a small hospital near Dundee, Scotland, it was felt that she had nothing left of any value. Later, when the nurses were going through her meager possessions, they found this poem. Its quality and content so impressed the staff that copies were made and distributed to every nurse in the hospital. One nurse took her copy to Ireland. The old lady's sole bequest to posterity has since appeared in the Christmas edition of the News Magazine of the North Ireland Association for Mental Health. A slide presentation has also been made based on her simple, but eloquent, poem......And this little old Scottish lady, with nothing left to give to the world, is now the author of this
"anonymous" poem winging across the Internet.
Goes to show that we all leave "SOME footprints in time".

An Old Lady's Poem

What do you see, nurses, what do you see?
What are you thinking when you're looking at me?

A crabby old woman, not very wise,
Uncertain of habit, with faraway eyes?
Who dribbles her food and makes no reply
When you say in a loud voice, "I do wish you'd try!"

Who seems not to notice the things that you do,
And forever is losing a stocking or shoe.....
Who, resisting or not, lets you do as you will,
With bathing and feeding, the long day to fill....

Is that what you're thinking? Is that what you see?
Then open your eyes, nurse; you're not looking at me.
I'll tell you who I am as I sit here so still,
As I do at your bidding, as I eat at your will.

I'm a small child of ten with a father and mother,
Brothers and sisters, who love one another.
A young girl of sixteen, with wings on her feet,
Dreaming that soon now a lover she'll meet.

A bride soon at twenty-my heart gives a leap,
Remembering the vows that I promised to keep.
At twenty-five now, I have young of my own,
Who need me to guide and a secure happy home.

A woman of thirty, my young now grown fast,
Bound to each other with ties that should last.
At forty, my young sons have grown and are gone,
But my man's beside me to see I don't mourn.

At fifty once more, babies play round my knee,
Again we know children, my loved one and me.
Dark days are upon me, my husband is dead;
I look at the future, I shudder with dread.

For my young are all rearing young of their own,
And I think of the years and the love that I've known.
I'm now an old woman ... and nature is cruel;
'Tis jest to make old age look like a fool.

The body, it crumbles, grace and vigor depart,
There is now a stone where I once had a heart.
But inside this old carcass a young girl still dwells,
And now and again my battered heart swells.

I remember the joys, I remember the pain,
And I'm loving and living life over again.
I think of the years ....all too few, gone too fast,
And accept the stark fact that nothing can last.

So open your eyes, nurses, open and see, ...NOT A CRABBY OLD LADY, BUT ME!!!

Remember this poem when you next meet an old person who you might
brush aside without looking at the young soul within......We will
one day be there, too.

ODE TO THE COMMODE

As I was shopping in Wal-Mart today,
Enjoying low prices galore,
My young offspring told me her bladder was full;
I had ten seconds, not one bit more!

I whisked her up quickly and ran at full speed,
Desperately begging her, "Wait!"
I zigged through the sporting goods, zagged through the toys;
Crying, "She must urinate!"

Soon we arrived at the Ladies' Room door
In just slightly less than a wink;.
But Oh! Our poor noses! For as we went in,
We smelled the most hideous stink!

Quickly we realized the source of the stench;
For all over counter and floor
Were puddles and garbage and T.P. and mud;
Alas! I had seen it before!

I warily opened the door of the stall
And what awful sight met my eyes?
Smeared on the toilet seat there was what's known
(In my house) as Diaper Surprise.

But what could I do? In my arms was my daughter;
I would not; could not put her there!
Despairing, I held her out over the toilet
As she did her deed in mid-air!

I humbly beseeched of an aproned employee,
"This bathroom's not fit to be used!"
She asked me to tell the cashier at McDonald's
Who stared at me, fully confused.

Now please understand I've been living for years
And all of that time, had a bladder;
But Wal-Mart's facilities rank 'neath an outhouse
On any John Cleanliness ladder.

You'd do well to try out the restroom at Target;
They clean every spot, vast or tiny!
They've pleasant aromas in spite of their purpose;
And all of the porcelain's shiny!

In closing, I ask you, please keep the john clean;
For next time it's foul, please be sure
My money, my daughter, and her little bladder
Will frequent a tidier store.

Hold on tightly to what is truly important in life.

Hold on to faith;
it is the source of believing that all things are possible.
It is fiber and strength of a confident soul.

Hold on to hope;
it banishes doubt and enables attitudes
to be positive and cheerful.

Hold on to trust;
it is at the core of fruitful relationships
that are secure and content.

Hold on to love;
it is life's greatest gift of all,
for it shares, cares, and gives meaning to life.

Hold on to family and friends;
they are the most important people in your life,
and they make the world a better place.

They are your roots
and the beginnings that you grew from;
they are the vine that has grown through time
to nourish you, help you on your way,
and always remain close by.

Hold on to all that you are
and all that you have learned,
for these things are what make you unique.

Don't ignore what you feel
and what you believe is right and important;
your heart has a way of speaking
louder than your mind.

Hold on to your dreams;
achieve them diligently and honestly.
Never take the easy way or surrender to deceit.
Remember others on your way
and take time to care for their needs.

Enjoy the beauty around you.
Have the courage to see things differently and clearly.
Make the world a better place one day at a time,
and don't let go of the important things
that give meaning to your life.

~by Kelly D. Caron~

I AM ONLY ME

I am only me, that is all that I can be
No more, no less, don't second guess

I love, I laugh, I live and cry,
I've wished at times, that I could die

Some days I'm funny, others I'm not,
sometimes I'm in overdrive and can't stop

I am a loyal and honest friend,
You know that I'll be there until the end

I am a father/mother, my children my greatest gift,
The smiles on their faces always give me a lift

I am a romantic, sensual, sexual, and passionate too,
to the love of my life, I'll share this with you

I can be sweet and shy or sassy and bold,
I'm quite a handful, or so I've been told

I am not perfect, I do have my faults,
like when I get scared I put up high walls

Or I'm not as forgiving, as I'd sometimes like to be,
because when I hurt, I hurt deeply

My logic is all my own, at times misunderstood,
because I don't always do things for my own good

I have many facets, like a diamond you see...
I am only me.

~by Ruth Bourdon~


 

Be The Best

If you can't be the pine at the top of the hill
Be the scrub in the valley, but be

The best little scrub on the side of the hill
Be a bush if you can't be a tree

If you can't be a bush be a bit of the grass
Doing something for somebody's sake

If you can't be a muskie try being a bass
But be the liveliest bass in the lake

We can't all be captains, some have to be crew
There is something for all of us here

There is big work and little for people to do
And the task we must do is near

So if you can't be a highway then be a great trail
If you can't be a sun be a star

It isn't by size that you win or you fail
Be the best at whatever you are

~By Douglas Malloch~


 

"Somewhere, there is someone who dreams of your smile and
finds in your presence that life is worthwhile.
So when you are lonely, remember it's true;
Somebody, somewhere is thinking of you."

 

The Clothesline

A clothesline was a news forecast
To neighbors passing by.
There were no secrets you could keep
When clothes were hung to dry.

It also was a friendly link,
For neighbors always knew
If company had stopped on by
To spend a night or two.

For then you'd see the fancy sheets
And towels upon the line;
You'd see the company tablecloths
With intricate design.

The line announced a baby's birth
To folks who lived inside,
As brand new infant clothes were hung
So carefully with pride.

The ages of the children could
So readily be known,
By watching how the sizes changed,
You'd know how much they'd grown.

It also told when illness struck,
As extra sheets were hung;
Then nightclothes, and a bathrobe, too,
Haphazardly were strung.

It said, "Gone on vacation now, "
When lines hung limp and bare.
It told, "We're back! " when full lines sagged,
With not an inch to spare.

But clotheslines now are of the past,
For dryers make work less.
Now what goes on inside a home
Is anybody's guess.

I really miss that way of life.
It was a friendly sign,
When neighbors knew each other best,
By what hung on the line!
 

Today...

I wish you a day of ordinary miracles----

A fresh pot of coffee you didn't make yourself.

An unexpected phone call from an old friend.

Green stoplights on your way to work or shop.

I wish you a day of little things to rejoice in...

The fastest line at the grocery store.

A good sing along song on the radio.

Your keys right where you look.

I wish you a day of happiness and perfection---

little bite-size pieces of perfection that give you the funny

feeling that the Lord is smiling on you, holding you so gently because you are someone special and rare.

I wish you a day of Peace, Happiness and Joy!
 

The Second Ten Commandments

1. Thou shall not worry, for worry is the most unproductive of all human activities.

2. Thou shall not be fearful, for most of the things we fear never come to pass.

3. Thou shall not cross bridges before you come to them,mfor no one yet has succeeded in accomplishing this.

4. Thou shall face each problem as it comes. You can only handle one at a time anyway.

5. Thou shall not take problems to bed with you, for they make very poor bedfellows.

6. Thou shall not borrow other people's problems. They can better care for them than you can.

7. Thou shall not try to relive yesterday for good or ill, it is forever gone. Concentrate on what is happeningin your life and be happy now!

8. Thou shall be a good listener, for only when you listen do you hear ideas different from your own. It is hard to learn something new when you are talking, and some people do know more than you do.

9. Thou shall not become "bogged down" by frustration, for 90% of it is rooted in self-pity and will only interfere with positive action.

10. Thou shall count thy blessings,never overlooking the small ones,
for a lot of small blessings add up to a big one

~By Ruth Bourdon~


 

A New Pair Of Shoes

On a cold day in December, a little boy, about 10 years, old was standing before a shoe store on the roadway, barefooted, peering through the window, and shivering with cold. A lady approached the boy and said, "My little fellow, why are you looking so earnestly in that window?"

"I was asking God to give me a pair of shoes," was the boy's reply. The lady took him by the hand and went into the store and asked the clerk to get half a dozen pairs of socks for the boy. She then asked if he could give her a basin of water and a towel. He quickly brought them to her. She took the little fellow to the back part of the store and, removing her gloves, knelt down, washed his little feet, and dried them with a towel.

By this time the clerk had returned with the socks. Placing a pair upon the boy's feet, she purchased him a pair of shoes. She tied up the remaining pairs of socks and gave them to him. She patted him on the head and said, "No doubt, my little fellow, you feel more comfortable now?"

As she turned to go, the astonished lad caught her by the hand, and looking up in her face, with tears his eyes, answered the question with these words: "Are you God's Wife?"

~Author Unknown~


 

My Little Brother

Growing up with a brother who was 7 years older was difficult. Scott was my idol and it hurt a lot not to be able to go the places he did or hang out with his friends. I was always the dorky younger brother who tried so hard to just fit in. All I ever wanted was for him to be proud of me.
So, when Scott announced that he was going to work the summer teaching mentally challenged kids and asked if I'd like to volunteer, I jumped at the chance to spend the time with him. I was 14 and the only volunteer at the program. Everyone else was 21 and above, either earning college credits in Special Education like my brother, or trying to make a few bucks for the summer.

We had approximately 30 students, ranging in age from 8 to 21, with the majority being my age. I had never had much exposure to the world of the mentally challenged and was a bit taken aback on my first day. Wheelchair after wheelchair rolled off the bus, each with its own special passenger, smiles brighter than the sun in summer. Parents dropping off their bundles of joy, each one filled with the same excitement I felt my first day of school.

And then there was Mikey.

Mikey was 9 years old, tall, thin, and severely emotionally disturbed. He stood alone in the corner, weaving back and forth, afraid. It was as if he was invisible to all the other students and counselors. I walked over to him, reached out my hand and he began to scream. I remember the look of embarrassment in my brother's eyes. I wanted to crawl under a rock and just quit. I backed away and tended to the other students.

Every morning Mikey would get dropped off by his mother, and every morning he would go to the same corner where he spent most of his day alone. Even other students would avoid him, not wanting to listen to the screaming or tantrums he would throw.

Each afternoon the counselors would have their students pair off and do different activities. And each afternoon Mikey would remain in the corner, watching. Feeling more comfortable, I approached the director and asked her about Mikey. She explained that he has been coming to the program for the past couple years and this was how he spent his days and no one had the time needed to spend with him. I asked her if I could be assigned to him. She didn't respond at first and I could see the whole, "You are only 14 years old! What can you do?" look in her eyes.

"Sure, go ahead. What could it hurt?" she finally replied.

So each morning Mikey would come in and I would be waiting for him. He would walk over to his corner and I would tag right along, standing or sitting next to him for hours, not saying a word. He would scream and everyone would look, but I would just stare straight back at them, determined not to quit. This went on for two weeks. I knew all the counselors were talking about me to my brother. This was not what I had envisioned my summer to turn into. It was suppose to strengthen the bond between my brother and I, not make it weaker.

Then something happened that changed my life forever. I overslept one morning and my brother had already taken off to work. I jumped on my bike and rushed to the school, embarrassed for over sleeping and worried I would be in trouble. I walked into the classroom and the room went silent. "Oh no," I thought.

That's when I heard it. Someone was clapping their hands. I shrugged it off as a student just expressing their excitement. Then someone else began clapping. Another student, I thought. No, it was one of the counselors. What was going on? Then it erupted. Everyone was clapping. Were they all being sarcastic that I was late?

It was at that moment that I locked eyes with my brother. He was clapping the loudest out of everyone and smiling at me. I just stood there puzzled until the Director of the program approached me and explained that it had to do with Mikey. Apparently when Mikey arrived that morning and couldn't find me he went around from table to table, counselor to counselor, asking, "Where's Paul? Where's Paul?"

The Director informed me that those were the first words Mikey had spoken in the past couple years. I didn't know what to say.

I could feel my eyes beginning to fill with tears. I looked over to Mikey in his corner and he was smiling, pointing to me and saying, "Paul! Paul! Paul!"

I felt a hand on my shoulder. It was Scott. "This is my little brother," he kept reminding everyone with pride in his voice. It was then I began to cry.

The next year I was hired to be a counselor. I was only 15 and had to get a worker's permit. I was in charge of my own group of students and had a college girl as my assistant.

As for Mikey, his family moved out West and I was saddened by the fact that I would never see him again. I hoped that he was all right and thought of him that whole summer.

The last day of the program I received a postcard from California. In barely legible handwriting were the words "Hi Paul." It was from Mikey. I knew he was going to be okay.

~Author Unknown~


 

This piece was written by the late Erma Bombeck after she found out she was dying from cancer.

IF I HAD THE CHANCE TO LIVE MY LIFE OVER

I would have gone to bed when I was sick instead of pretending the earth would go into a holding pattern if I weren't there for the day.

I would have burned the pink candle sculpted like a rose before it melted in storage.

I would have talked less and listened more.

I would have invited friends over to dinner even if the carpet was stained, or the sofa faded.

I would have eaten the popcorn in the 'good' living room and worried much less about the dirt when someone wanted to light a fire in the fireplace.

I would have taken the time to listen to my grandfather ramble about his youth.

I would never have insisted the car windows be rolled up on a summer day because my hair had just been teased and sprayed.

I would have sat on the lawn with my children and not worried about grass stains.

I would have cried and laughed less while watching television-and more while watching life.

I would never have bought anything just because it was practical, wouldn't show soil, or was guaranteed to last a lifetime.

Instead of wishing away nine months of pregnancy, I'd have cherished every moment and realized that the wonderment growing inside me was the only chance in life to assist God in a miracle.

When my kids kissed me impetuously, I would never have said, "Later.
Now go get washed up for dinner."

There would have been more "I love you's"...More "I'm sorry's" ...But mostly, given another shot at life, I would seize every minute... look at it and really see it... live it... and never give it back.
Stop sweating the small stuff. Don't worry about who doesn't like you, who has more, or who's doing what.

Instead, let's cherish the relationships we have with those who do love us. Let's think about what God has blessed us with.

And what we are doing each day to promote ourselves mentally, physically, emotionally, as well as spiritually.

Life is too short to let it pass you by.We only have one shot at this and then it's gone.

I hope you all have a blessed day.

~By Erma Bombeck~

 

"THE JUNE BUG"

Tiny little June bug, across the open meadow flying.
Constantly on the move, a life that's death defying.
Trying to escape the birds, during the day in flight.
Then the bats radar, who hunts them late at night.

Nearly missing a cars windshield, as he crosses a road.
Then the long sticky tongue, of a very hungry toad.
Nearly crushed by a shoe, as he sat on the ground.
A boys string, where in circles he would fly around.

Always hiding and dodging, just so his life to live.
He's not in any hurry, his last breath to give.
He's lasted half the summer, and is now very quick.
As a fast learner, he knows about every trick.

Then late one night, he was searching for his food,
and was feeling very happy, in a careless mood.
He came to a house, a strange light he decided to tap.
Over to it he flew, the last sound he heard was zzzap.

The Bricks of Life

About ten years ago, a young and very successful executive named Josh was traveling down a Chicago neighborhood street. He was going a bit too fast in his sleek, black, 12 cylinder Jaguar XKE, which was only two months old. He was watching for kids darting out from between parked cars and slowed down when he thought he saw something. As his car passed, no child darted out, but a brick sailed out and-WHUMP! -- it smashed into the Jag's shiny black side door! SCREECH...!!!! Brakes slammed! Gears ground into reverse, and tires madly spun the Jaguar back to the spot from where the brick had been thrown.

Josh jumped out of the car, grabbed the kid and pushed him up against a parked car. He shouted at the kid, "What was that all about and who are you? Just what the heck are you doing?!"

Building up a head of steam, he went on. "That's my new Jag, that brick you threw is gonna cost you a lot of money. Why did you throw it?"

"Please, mister, please...I'm sorry! I didn't know what else to do!" pleaded the youngster. "I threw the brick because no one else would stop!" Tears were dripping down the boy's chin as he pointed
around the parked car. "It's my brother, mister," he said. "He rolled off the curb and fell out of his wheelchair and I can't lift him up." Sobbing, the boy asked the executive, "Would you please help me get him back into his wheelchair? He's hurt and he's too heavy for me."

Moved beyond words, the young executive tried desperately to swallow the rapidly swelling lump in his throat. Straining, he lifted the young man back into the wheelchair and took out his handkerchief and wiped the scrapes and cuts, checking to see that everything was going to be OK. He then watched the younger brother push him down the sidewalk toward their home.

It was a long walk back to the sleek, black, shining, 12 cylinder Jaguar XKE -- a long and slow walk. Josh never did fix the side door of his Jaguar. He kept the dent to remind him not to go through life so fast that someone has to throw a brick at him to get his attention.

Some bricks are softer than others. Feel for the bricks of life coming at you.
 

The Boob Poem

For years and years they told me,
Be careful of your breasts.
Don't ever squeeze or bruise them.
And give them monthly tests.
So I heeded all their warnings,
And protected them by law.
Guarded them very carefully,
And I always wore my bra.

After 30 years of astute care,
My gyno, Dr. Pruitt,
Said I should get a Mammogram.
"O.K," I said, "let's do it."

"Stand up here real close" she said,
(She got my boob in line),
And tell me when it hurts," she said,
"Ah yes! Right there, that's fine."

She stepped upon a pedal,
I could not believe my eyes,
A plastic plate came slamming down,
My hooter's in a vise!

My skin was stretched and mangled,
From underneath my chin.
My poor boob was being squashed,
To Swedish Pancake thin.

Excruciating pain I felt,
Within it's vise-like grip.
A prisoner in this vicious thing,
My poor defenseless tit!

"Take a deep breath" she said to me,
Who does she think she's kidding?!?
My chest is mashed in her machine,
And woozy I am getting.

"There, that's good," I heard her say,
(The room was slowly swaying.)
"Now, let's have a go at the other one.
Have mercy, I was praying.

It squeezed me from both up and down.
It squeezed me from both sides.
I'll bet SHE'S never had this done,
To HER tender little hide.

Next time that they make me do this,
I will request a blindfold.
I have no wish to see again,
My knockers getting steamrolled.

If I had no problem when I came in,
I surely have one now.
If there had been a cyst in there,
It would have gone "ker-pow!"

This machine was created by a man,
Of this, I have no doubt.
I'd like to stick his balls in there,
And see how THEY come out.


 

A PARENT'S PRAYER!

Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray my sanity to keep.
For if some peace I do not find,
I'm pretty sure I'll lose my mind.
I pray I find a little quiet
Far from the daily family riot
May I lie back--not have to think
about what they're stuffing down the sink,
or who they're with, or where they're at
and what they're doing to the cat.
I pray for time all to myself
(did something just fall off a shelf?)

To cuddle in my nice, soft bed
(Oh no, another goldfish--dead!)
Some silent moments for goodness sake
(Did I just hear a window break?)
And that I need not cook or clean--
(well heck, I've got the right to dream)

Yes now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray my wits about me keep,
But as I look around I know--
I must have lost them long ago!
 

TO A PHENOMENAL WOMAN
by Maya Angelou

When I was in my younger days,
I weighed a few pounds less,
I needn't hold my tummy in
to wear a belted dress.

But now that I am older,
I've set my body free;
There's comfort of elastic
Where once my waist would be.

Inventor of those high-heeled shoes
My feet have not forgiven;
I have to wear a nine now,
But used to wear a seven.

And how about those pantyhose--
They're sized by weight, you see,
So how come when I put them on
The crotch is at my knee?

I need to wear these glasses
As the print's been getting smaller;
And it wasn't very long ago
I know that I was taller.

Though my hair has turned to gray
and my skin no longer fits,
On the inside, I'm the same old me,
It's the outside's changed a bit.

But, on a positive note...
I've learned that no matter what happens,
or how bad it seems today,
life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow.

I've learned that you can tell a lot about a person by
the way he/she handles these three things:
a rainy day, lost luggage, and
tangled Christmas tree lights.

I've learned that regardless
of your relationship with your parents,
you'll miss them
when they're gone from your life.

I've learned that making a "living"
is not the same thing as making a "life."
I've learned that life sometimes
gives you a second chance.

I've learned that
you shouldn't go through life
with a catcher's mitt on both hands.
You need to be able to throw something back.

I've learned that whenever I decide something with an open heart,
I usually make the right decision.
I've learned that even when I have pains,
I don't have to be one.

I've learned that every day you should reach out
and touch someone.
People love a warm hug,
or just a friendly pat on the back.

I've learned that people will forget what you said,
people will forget what you did,
but people will never forget
how you made them feel.

I've learned that I still have a lot to learn.

 

A FRIEND LIKE YOU

If I am thankful for one thing,
I know that this is true;
I'm thankful God has blessed me,
With such a friend as you.

He has given to my life,
Blessings I cannot explain;
For I am least deserving,
And yet His love remains.

Still He saw fit to send you,
When He knew I needed a friend;
He set our paths so they would cross,
On a journey with no end.

So, I am thankful in this life,
For blessings tried and true.
But most of all I am thankful,
That God sent a friend like you.

Allison Chambers Coxsey

"Battle Call"

Thunder rumbling, across the hills,
bright flashes, lighting the sky it fills.
This time nature's, not the one to blame,
it's the sound of rockets, and their deadly flame.

Young men and women, off fighting tyranny,
in a far away land, to set it free.
Brave young soldiers, one and all,
answering their countries,battle call.

Many countries, now joined as one,
fighting together, to get the job done.
Freedoms high price, some warriors will pay,
battling the enemy, both night and day.

Young men and women, off fighting tyranny,
in a far away land, to set it free.
Brave young soldiers, one and all,
answering their countries, battle call.

Yes, brave young soldiers, answering the battle call,
we pray for you, both one and all.

"In Lands Afar"

P.O.W. short for, prisoner of war,
people imprisoned, in lands afar.
Remembering home, they sit and cry,
suffering terrible tortures, they pray to die.

M.I.A. missing in action, let the records show,
dead or alive, no one seems to knows.
They've just disappeared, in the middle of war,
somewhere hidden, in lands afar.

K.I.A. killed in action, freedoms highest cost,
so millions are free, thousands are lost.
Fighting and dying, in another war,
their lifes blood shed, in lands afar.

No greater gift, can a person give,
than his life, so others may live.
Abbreviations, associated with war,
They've paid a high price, in lands afar.

"Where...?"

***

There was a little boy,
On the week's first day,
Coming home from Sunday School
And wandering on the way.

He scuffed his shoes into the grass
And found a caterpillar.
He found a fluffy milkweed pod
And blew out all the filler.

A bird's nest in a tree above,
So wisely placed on high,
Was just another wonder
That caught his eager eye.

A neighbor watched his crooked course
And hailed him from the lawn.
He asked him where he'd been that day
And what was going on.

"I've been to Sunday School," he said
As he turned a piece of sod,
And picking up a worm, he smiled,
"I've learned a lot from God!"

"That's a fine way," the neighbor said,
"For a boy to spend his time.
Now if you can tell me where God is,
I'll give you a brand new dime."

Quick as a flash the answer came,
The boy said without complaint,
"I'll give you a dollar, Mister,
If you can tell me where God ain't!!"

AMORE

When the moon hits your eye,

Like a big pizza pie,

That's amore.

When an eel bites your hand,

And that's not what you planned,

That's a moray.

When our habits are strange,

And our customs deranged,

That's our mores.

When your horse munches straw,

And the bales total four,

That's some more hay.

When Othello's poor wife,

Becomes stabbed with a knife,

That's a Moor, eh?

When a Japanese knight,

Uses his sword in a fight,

That's Samurai.

When your sheep go to graze,

In a damp marshy place,

That's a moor, eh?

When your boat comes home fine,

And you tie up her line,

That's a moor, eh?

When you ace your last tests,

Like you did all the rest,

That's some more "A"s!

When on Mt. Cook you see,

An aborigine,

That's a Maori.

Alley Oop's homeland has,

A space gun with pizzazz,

That's a Moon ray...

A comedian ham,

With the name Amsterdam,

That's a Morey.

When your chocolate graham,

Is so full and so crammed,

That s'more, eh.

When you've had quite enough,

Of this dumb rhyming stuff,

That's "No more!", eh?
 

Rated G

IF TOMORROW NEVER COMES

Rated G

God's Camera

Rated G

CHRISTMAS IN HEAVEN

The following poem was written by a mother in honor of her 13-year-old daughter who passed away at Christmas time a few years ago.

Rated X ......... Captain Silver

The Ocean

Rated G Baby Blues

'Tis January.....author unknown

Rated G

TIME GETS BETTER WITH AGE

G

The Cold Within

Rated G Frank

Rated G

SPANDEX HAIKUS

Rated G

Life's Clock

Rated G

Life's Like That

Rated G

Damn Those Ants!

Rated G Baby Blues

Grumblers

Rated G Baby Blues

"If I Had But A Single Day"

Rated G Louise

Rated G

Cyber Lovesick Blues
(To tune of "I've Got the Lovesick Blues")

Rated G

A Poem For All The Terrible Bugs Of The World--entitled
specifically, SPRAY AND DIE

Rated G

Illegal's Poem

Rated G

this says it all...

Winter in New England

Rated G

Clone Of My Own

Rated G Baby Blues

Aches and Pains

Rated G

Beginning Today.....

Rated G

SMOKER'S PRAYER

Rated G popo

Rated PG

Bill

Don't Mess With Mom

Rated G

TO BELIEVE

Rated G Inspiration

Rated G

"We Are What We Eat," said a wise old man!
Lord, if that's true, I'm a garbage can.

Rated G

This was written by a relative of Baby Blues whose jokes I post in the forum.

GENERATIONS IN WAR

Rated G

"LIFE'S TUG OF WAR"

Rated G

ASpecial Friend

Rated G Ruth



* A FRIEND *

Rated G Alex

BODY PIERCING HAIKUS

Rated G

True Love

Rated G Lorraine

Rated G Lorraine

WHAT MAKES A DAD:

Rated G

POEM

Rated G Lorraine

Rated G

Freedom Isn't Free

Rated X Sue Bee

CLASSIC NURSERY RHYME WITH A TWIST !!!

Rated G

Heaven On-line

Rated G

The Oyster

Rated G

THE ART OF FALLING APART

Rated G Michele

Rated G

Is Texas Hot?

Rated G Louise

Rated G

SOMETIMES

But FART!! just ONE time...

And everybody knows!!

Rated R

Rated G Michele

Rated G Nan In Warwick

An Old Lady's Poem

Rated G

Happiness

Rated PG Michele

Second Week of Deer Camp

Rated PG B.B.

Rated G B.B.

New Beginnings ~ Just what life is all about !

Rated G

Keenagers

Rated PG Bubba

Rated G Dale Sullivan

Rated G

Keep in Touch...

Rated G Lorraine

Rated G Michele

'Twas The Night Before Frances

Rated G

HOW TRUE IT IS

Rated G Michele

Rated G

CHRISTMAS POEM

Rated G

Tsunami Prayer

Rated G

For some reason, lately I've been thinking about that poem that forecasts what kind of person you'll be based on the day of the week you were born. What day were you born?

Rated G

Soldier On Watch