This is topic Gender Related "Men & Women" in forum Bob Maar's Joke-A-Thon at Film-Tech Forum ARCHIVE.
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Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-03-2002, 10:23 AM:
Rated G 
Men and Women
Men are vain and spend at least ten minutes a day looking in a mirror.
Women are crazy and check their reflection in every single object they see that reflects such as mirrors, windows, cars, TVs...
Women take a bath/shower every single day to ensure they are clean and smell nice.
Men use deodorent.
Women put on new clothes every single day and often spend up to an hour switching things around until she finds a good combination.
Men put on the closest thing on the floor or in the closet.
Women paint their nails.
Men bite their nails.
Men cannot hug someone of the same sex without wondering whether they are gay or having their friends wonder if they are gay.
Women can not only hug their friends, but do so in public places without ANYONE wondering if they are a lesbian.
To women farting is a rude embarrassing noise.
To men farting is a constant source of amusement.
Women try to hide cuts and bruises because they are flaws.
Men compare cuts and bruises to see who has the biggest one.
Men can't go a day without rearranging his family jewels.
Women never have to rearrange their privates.
Men go to the hospital if blood spews from their privates.
Women use a tampon.
Women date preparation; two hours.
Men date preparation; five minutes.
Women dress up for; shopping, sports, school, work, holidays,parties, hanging out with a friend, going to the movies, goingbowling, lying around the house, reading, and watching TV.
Men dress up for; weddings, funerals
When women forget to shave no one notices.
When men forget to shave the whole world knows.
Women's magazines feature half naked women, that women ogle at,wishing they looked like them.
Men's magazines feature fully naked women, that men lust after.
Women's chores are simple things like cooking and cleaning.
Men's chores are dangerous things like putting up the Christmas lights on the roof and checking out loud noises at night.
Men are stronger.
Women are smarter.
Women know they're weaker.
Men think they're geniuses.
Women are sure they look horrid and ugly and that all the menlike that girl over there more then the like her.
Men think they are god'd gift to women.
When men get a cold, they are dying and stay in bed for two weeks.
When women are dying, they just have a cold and continue to run around doing errands and chores.
In conclusion; men and women just do not go together. Why isn't everyone gay? 
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-03-2002, 10:28 AM:
Rated PG Bashing The Sexes!
Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: 45 lbs.
Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 min.
Q: What is it when a man talks nasty to a woman?
A: Sexual Harassment
Q: What is it when a woman talks nasty to a man?
A: $3.99 a minute.
Q: How can you tell if your wife is dead?
A: The sex is the same, but the dishes pile up.
Q: How can you tell if your husband is dead?
A: The sex is the same, but you get the remote.
Q: What's it called when a woman is paralyzed from the waist down?
A: Marriage
Q: How many men does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, they just sit there in the dark and complain.
Q: What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
A: Through his chest with a sharp knife.
Q: What have men and floor tiles got in common?
A: If you lay them properly the first time, you can walk all over them for life.
Q: Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring and good-looking?
A: Because those men already have boyfriends.
Q: Why are men like public toilets?
A: Because all the good ones are engaged and the only ones left are full of crap.
Q: What is a man's view of safe sex?
A: A padded headboard.
Q: How do men sort their laundry?
A: "Filthy" and "Filthy but wearable"
Q: What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
A: After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
Q: What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
A: The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
Q: What do you call a smart blonde?
A: A golden retriever.
Q: Why do men want to marry virgins?
A: They can't stand criticism.
Q: Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?
A: The guy who can have a cup of coffee in each hand and still carry a dozen donuts.
Q: Who is the most popular woman at the nudist colony?
A: The woman who ate the last donut.
Q: What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A: A battery has a positive side.
Q: A brunette, a blonde and a redhead are all in third grade. Who has the biggest breasts?
A: The blonde, because she's 18.
Q: Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra?
A: When you take it off you wonder where the breasts went.
Q: Do you know the punishment for bigamy?
A: Two mothers-in-law.
Q: Did you hear about the guy who finally figured out women?
A: He died laughing before he could tell anybody
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-21-2002, 01:34 PM:
Rated R The blind date hadn't been all that great and she was relieved the evening was finally over.
At her apartment door, he suddenly said, "Hey! You wanna see my underwear?"
Before she could respond, he had dropped his pants, right there in the hall, revealing that he wasn't wearing any underwear.
She glanced down and said, "Nice design....Does it also come in men's sizes?"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-25-2002, 09:26 AM:
Rated X AlexSIGNS YOU SHOULD BREAK UP WITH YOUR BOYFRIEND:
1. He always scratches his crotch and says, "Damn!
When is this gonna clear up?"
2. He could use a contact lens as a condom.
3. Taking you out to eat means firing up the grill.
4. Everytime you want to spoon, he wants to fork.
5. He refers to your little brother as a "real cutie."
And while we're at it, here's . . .
SIGNS YOU SHOULD BREAK UP WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND:
1. She carries around Bride magazine and a highlighter.
2. She thinks an anniversary occurs once a month.
3. Her lucky numbers are your pin number.
4. Your friends know her by her porn name.
5. She just can't stand the taste of "it." 
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-27-2002, 08:25 PM:
Rated PG Brian was startled to see the nonchalant way Chris was taking the fact that his lady love was seen with another man.
"You said you love her and yet you saw her with another man and you didn't knock the guy down?"
"I'm waiting," Chris said.
"Waiting for what?"
"Waiting to catch her with a smaller fellow."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-27-2003, 06:15 PM:
Rated PG ![[Smile]](smile.gif)
Lorraine
This cowboy took his girl up to "Lover's Peak".
They sat down on a log.
After a bit Judi says to Jon,"Aren't the stars purty
tonite?" Jon says,"Sure is Judi".
Judi says, "Jon, aren't the moon purty tonite". Jon says,"Sure is Judi".
After a bit Judi says,"Jon,whisper something soft and mushy in my ear".
So, Jon leans over and whispers"Sheeeit".
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-28-2003, 12:44 PM:
Rated G
ABC's Of Ex Girlfriend........
A is for Arteries. You know, the things that your ex-girlfriend ripped out because she really didn't care for you you twit she was only after your money and could have given a shit about you.
B is for Bitter. Who, me?? No way. I really hope things between them do work out. I hope they get married and have 2 children that are little devils and her hips get huge and his eyebrows finally grow completely together and they get fat and old together and then DIE!!
C is for Call ya later. She won't. She never has before.
D is for Dumped. Does D need to be explained?
E is for Eating like a pig. Remember when you took her out and she said "I'm not hungry" so you figured you could take her to a nice place because you were able afford a nice meal at this fine restaurant. Then she ate more than your Uncle Roy (you remember Uncle Roy the one with the mustard stains on everything). So you flip the bill and are broke for the next two weeks and she wonders why you were unable to call her that week and go see movies.
F is for Friends. That is what she just wants to be. As if you can even stand to look at her.
G is for Gun. And yes there is a waiting period.
H is for Horny. Remember when she looked nice and even had a personality? Well, you figure it out.
I stands for I still hate her. Odds are I always will, unless she calls me and offers me favors.
J stands for Jim. This is her new boyfriend. Doesn't Jim have a nice car ? Doesn't Jim have a good job? Why does Jim want to date her? I think Jim could do much better. I hate Jim. Jim is my mortal enemy.
K stands for Kill.
L is for Love. It's a great euphoric feeling that exists between two people and is shared upon by both parties.
L is also for Lunatic. Lunatics are crazy. Lunatics are the last people that actually believe in love.
M stands for Mephistophiles. That is who she worked for.
N stands for Necropheliac. She didn't move very much, did she?
O is for On top. When on top she has another O word.
P is for Pill. She said she was on it. She lied. She is now sueing you for a few hundred bucks a month.
Q is for Quitter. She couldn't last.
R is for Rich little Bitch. She bought my love but I paid for it.
S stands for Suffer. That's what she made me do.
T is for torture. Torture is what she did. She tortured you with the truth. She also tortured you with lies.
U is for Understatement. Saying you hate that bitch is an understatement.
V is for Voluptuous. That is the primamry reason you were dating her in the first place.
W stands for Whine. She was a pro at this.
X is for Xylophone. Because X is always for xylophone.
Y stands for You suck! Remember when she yelled that at you.
Z stands for ZIPPER. This is what you got your hair stuck in while trying to get dressed too quickly while she yelled "QUICK! They're home!"
. stands for period.Which is a couple of weeks late, because she lied to you about taking what P stands for. It also means you won't get any for a week. ![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-12-2003, 09:03 AM:
Rated G ![[Eek!]](eek.gif)
A man and a woman are driving home from a date.
The man stops the car, and the woman says: Oh no, you aren't going to pull the 'out of Gas' routine!"
The man says, "No, it's the 'hereafter' routine. If your're not here after what I'm here after, then your going to be here after I'm gone."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-12-2003, 09:15 AM:
Rated G
All John asked for was a little good-night kiss, but Jill haughtly rebuffed him with, "I don't do that on the first date."
"Well" John replied with sarcasm, "How about on the last date?"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-12-2003, 09:24 AM:
Rated G ![[Confused]](confused.gif)
Tom in Bar Harbour
My brother Sean stopped by a sandwich shop one afternoon and placed his order with the girl at the counter. She rattled off a list of condiments, but he stopped her when she asked if he wanted white cheese or yellow.
"Hello?" replied the girl, sighinh and rolling her eyes. "Color?"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-14-2003, 06:31 AM:
Rated PG
He looked deep into the eyes of the woman he loved and said,"My heart is broken.I saw you with another man yesterday."
"Oh don't be silly!" she replied, "That was just my husband,you know there's no one but you."
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 03-20-2003, 09:48 AM:
How To Change Your Oil
Women:
1. Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 since the last oil change.
2. Drink a cup of coffee.
3. 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.
Men:
1. Go to the auto parts store and write a check for 50 dollars for oil, filter, oil lift (AKA cat litter), hand cleaner and scented tree.
2. Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead of taking it back to recycle, dump in hole in back yard.
3. Open a beer and drink it.
4. Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7. Place drain pan under engine.
8. Look for 9/16 boxed-end wrench.
9. Give up and use crescent wrench.
10. Unscrew drain plug.
11. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil; get hot oil on you in process.
12. Clean up.
13. Have another beer while oil is draining.
14. Look for oil filter wrench.
15. Give up; poke oil filter with Phillips screwdriver and twist it off.
16. Beer.
17. Buddy shows up; finish case with him. Finish oil change tomorrow.
18. Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car.
19. Throw oil lift (cat litter) on oil spilled during step 18.
20. Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.
21. Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
22. Install new oil filter making sure to apply thin coat of clean oil to gasket first.
23. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24. Remember drain plug from step 11.
25. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26. Hurry to replace drain plug before the whole quart of fresh oil drains onto floor.
27. Slip with wrench and bang knuckles on frame.
28. Bang head on floor board in reaction.
29. Begin cussing fit.
30. Throw wrench.
31. Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss December(1992) in the left boob.
32. Clean up; apply Band-Aid to knuckle.
33. Beer.
34. Dump in additional 4 quarts of oil.
35. Beer.
36. Lower car from jack stands.
37. Accidentally crush one of the jack stands.
38. Move car back to apply more oil lift (cat litter) to fresh oil spilled during step 23.
39. Drive car.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-21-2003, 12:44 PM:
Rated G
Bob,a hard-bitten man of early middle age,had evaded many a
marital trap,but was now hopelessly in love with pretty young
Sue. Finally he said, "Will you marry me, Sue?"
She smiled and said, "Oh yes, Bob."
There followed a long silence, till Sue said, "Well, say
something more, Bob."
And Bob said hollowly, "I think I've said too much as it is." :PD
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-23-2003, 02:40 PM:
Rated R
Men hate to lose. I once beat John at tennis.
I asked him, "Are we going to have sex again?"
He said, "Yes, but not with each other."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-23-2003, 03:16 PM:
Rate G ![[thumbsup]](graemlins/thumbsup.gif)
Lorraine
At a country-club party a young man was introduced to an
attractive girl.Immediately he began paying her court and
flattering her outrageously. The girl liked the young man, but she was taken a bit aback by his fast and ardent pitch. She was amazed when after 30 minutes he seriously proposed marriage.
"Look," she said. "We only met a half hour ago.How can you be so sure? We know nothing about each other."
"You're wrong," the young man declared."For the past 5 years I've been working in the bank where your father has his account."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-24-2003, 05:40 PM:
Rated X
LATIN LOVERS
A virile, young Greek gentleman was relaxing at his favorite bar in Athens, when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde.
Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment, and after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom and made love.
After a pleasant interlude, he asked with a smile, "So...you finish?"
She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, "No."
Surprised, the young man reached for her and the lovemaking resumed.This time she thrashes about wildly and there are screams of passion.
The love making ends, and again, the young man smiles, and again he asks, "You finish?" And again, after a short pause, she returns hissmile, cuddles closer to him, and softly says, "No."
Stunned, but damned if this woman is going to outlast him, the young man reaches for the woman again. Using the last of his strength, he barely manages it, but they
climaxn simultaneously, screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets.
The exhausted man falls onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn hisn head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly, and asks again, "You finish?"
Barely able to speak, she whispers in his ear, "No! I Norwegian.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-25-2003, 06:49 AM:
Rated G Sue Bee
I think that the cute little pharmacist down at the drugstore is stuck up.
I ask her out every month when I go in to get my herpes and
hemorrhoid medicines, but she just looks at me like I'm a leper or something. ![[Frown]](frown.gif)
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-25-2003, 09:08 PM:
Rated G
"It's easy to admire a good loser at a strip-poker party. ![[eyes]](graemlins/eyes.gif)
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-26-2003, 09:48 AM:
Rated X
John receives a phone call.
"Hello," he answers.
The voice on the other end says, "This is Susan. We met at a party about 3 months ago."
John: "Hmm... Susan? About 3 months ago?"
Susan: "Yes, it was at Bill's house. After the party you took me home. On the way we parked and got into the back seat. You told me I was a good sport."
John: "Oh, yeah! Susan! How are you?"
Susan: "I'm pregnant and I'm going to kill myself."
John: "Say, you ARE a good sport."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-28-2003, 10:18 AM:
Rated PG Sue Bee
As the young couple parked in a crowded lovers lane, she sighed
romantically.
"It’s lovely out here tonight, just listen to the crickets."
"Those aren't crickets," her date replied.
"They're zippers."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-31-2003, 10:42 AM:
Rated PG .... Lorraine
One afternoon I was standing on the corner of Bourke and Swanston Sts with my best friend Anne.We had just had a sumptuous meal at a Chinese restaurant.
Suddenly a revolting smell wafted around us.
I turned to Anne and asked,"Did you just fart then?"
To which she replied, "Of course I did, you don't think I smell like this all the time do you?"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-08-2003, 02:53 PM:
Rated XX
A guy runs into an ex-girlfriend, with whom he didn't have the greatest relationship.
"You know, I was with another woman last night, but I was still thinking of you."
"Why, because you miss me?"
"No, because it keeps me from cuming too fast."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-25-2003, 08:09 AM:
Rated PG
The Prom Queen was alone with her beau,a Pastor's son,in her home.They were watching a romantic video,and she turned to see
him on his knees praying.
"Oh Peter," she cried. "You are such a sweet guy.I should have known you'd never try anything with me until we were married."
There was an odd gleam in his eye as he looked up."Please be quiet,Mary."he whispered hoarsely."Can't you see I'm saying grace?"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-28-2003, 10:18 AM:
Rated R
John: Oh, Jill, I want to nibble on your neck!
Jill: How romantic!
John: I want to breathe into your ear!
Jill: How sexy!
John: I want to kiss your lips!
Jill: Which ones?
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-28-2003, 11:00 AM:
Rated G
A man had a major row with his sweetheart.She was all but ready
to break off their marriage plans.She was literally in TEARS!
The man said to her,"Tell me, darling,what can I do to make
things right with you?Is there a possible solution to our problem?"
"Yes,Bill,"she sobbed,"get me something that I would not be expecting from you... something that I've never had in my life before!"
He said,"Give me time to make a few telephone calls.I will get back to you shortly."
Sure enough,as promised,Bill called her that evening. "Darling, I think I have a solution to our problem.I love you,snookums, and I want to give you something you've never had before -- just like you asked."
She said that it was sweet of him, and asked him what he had arranged for her."No, darling... it is a surprise.I will pick you up tomorrow morning,about 8 AM.Fair enough?"
"Fair enough," she replied."
So, 7:50,he pulls the car in the driveway.The woman is all set for him to bring a package in for her to open.
"I thought you had scheduled me a surprise?" She remarked, starting to pout.
"I did," he replied.Hop in the car!"
When she got in the car,he said,"Now, fasten this mask covering your eyes.I don't want you to see your surprise."
About 25 minutes later,he said,"We're here now."
"Already?" she replied.
"Yep! I have you booked to have your appendix removed! Now
tell me THAT is something you were expecting!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 05-06-2003, 11:29 AM:
Rated G ![[Mad]](mad.gif)
Driving to the office this morning on the Interstate,I looked over my shoulder to the left and there was a woman in a new Mustang doing 65 miles per hour, with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner!I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane,still working on that damn makeup!
It scared me so bad,I dropped my electric shaver,which knocked the donut out of my other hand.In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel,it knocked my cell phone away from my ear which fell into the coffee between my legs,splashed and burned Big John and the family jewels.She ruined the damn phone and disconnected an important call !
DAMN WOMEN DRIVERS....AND THEIR MAKEUP.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 05-06-2003, 08:40 PM:
Rated G Sue Bee
Attention all women:
When you want a man to pay attention to you, wear a full-length
black nightgown with buttons all over it.Sure it's uncomfortable.
But it makes you look just like his TV remote control.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 05-12-2003, 07:06 AM:
Rated G Dennis in Yonkers
FEMALE PRAYER:
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep.
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long.
One who thinks before hespeaks.
When he says he'll call, he
won't wait weeks.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
And knows what to answer to"How big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will loveme to no end,
And never attempt to hit on my friend.
Amen.
MALE PRAYER:
I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs, who owns a liquor store.
Amen.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-01-2003, 08:05 AM:
Rated PG Denny in Yonkers
Element Name: WOMANIUM
Symbol: WO
Atomic Weight: (Don't even go there)
Physical properties:Generally soft and round in form.Boils at
nothing and may freeze any time.Melts when treated properly.Very
bitter if not used well.
Chemical properties: Very active.Highly unstable.Possesses strong affinity with gold,silver,platinum,and precious stones. Violent when left alone.Able to absorb great amounts of exotic
food.Turns slightly green when placed next to a better specimen.
Usage:Highly ornamental.An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth.Probably the most powerful income-reducing
agent known.
Caution:Highly explosive in inexperienced hands!
_____________________________
Element Name: MANIUM
Symbol: XY
Atomic Weight: (180 +/- 50)
Physical properties: Solid at room temperature, but gets bent out of shape easily.Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a pure sample.Due to rust,aging samples are unable to
conduct electricity as easily as young samples.
Chemical properties: Attempts to bond with WO any chance it can get.Also tends to form strong bonds with itself.Becomes
explosive when mixed with KD (Element: CHILDIUM) for prolonged period of time.
Neutralize by saturating with alcohol.
Usage: None known.Possibly good methane gas source,since many
samples are able to produce large quantities on command.
Caution: In the absence of WO, this element rapidly decomposes and begins to smell.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-03-2003, 04:27 PM:
Rated PG
SAMPLE OF A MODERN LOVE LETTER
Dearest Samantha,
I am very happy to inform you that I have fallen in love with you since Tuesday, the 17th of August 2001.
With reference to the meeting held between us on the 17th of
August 2001 at 1500 hours, I would like to present myself as a
prospective lover. Our love affair would be on probation for a
period of no less than three months and depending on
compatibility,would be made permanent.
Of course, upon completion of probation, there will be continuous
relationship training and relationship appraisal schemes leading
up to promotion from lover to spouse. The expenses incurred for
coffee and entertainment would initially be shared equally
between us. Later, based on your performance, I might take up a
larger share of the expenses.
However I am broad-minded enough,to be taken care of,on your
expense account.
I request you to kindly respond within 30 days of receiving this
letter,failing which,this offer would be canceled without
further notice and I shall be considering someone else.I would
be happy,if you could forward this letter to your sister,if you
do not wish to take up this offer.
Thanking you in anticipation.
Yours sincerely,
Max:D
MODERN REPLY TO MODERN LOVE LETTER
Dear Max,
Please refer to your letter dated today. I am pleased to inform
you that I hope to accept your proposal for romance.
However, you should be informed that there are certain conditions of acceptance. Promotional prospects are to my satisfaction.
However, please enlighten me as to your retirement benefits.
Gratuity should be generous.
I also need to be assured that there is sufficient security with
regards to this commitment. If there is any chance at all of
retrenchment or consequent disinterest on your part,then I
should receive monetary compensation according to union standards.
Due to the nature of my position,I am sure you will agree that an
expense account should be arranged for my access in light of the
'VIP'.I shall be entertaining.In addition, housing and transport
allowances should be in order and nothing less than a Jaguar is in order.
Please also note that there should be no moonlighting restrictions placed on myself.If you are still interested in the relationship,please reply on an urgent basis as other prospective lovers have sent indications of interest.
Please also note that my sister is happily employed.
Yours perhaps,
Samantha!
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-05-2003, 08:30 AM:
Rated G
Science magazine came out with a report on the difference between men and women's brains.
Apparently women are more controlled by a part of the brain called singletgyrus.
Men are more controlled by a part of the brain known as the penis.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-16-2003, 07:36 AM:
Rated G
THE MOODS OF A WOMAN
An angel of truth and a dream of fiction,
A woman is a bundle of contradiction,
She's afraid of a wasp, will scream at a mouse,
But will tackle a stranger alone in the house.
Sour as vinegar, sweet as a rose,
She'll kiss you one minute, then turn up her nose,
She'll win you in rage, enchant you in silk,
She'll be stronger than brandy, milder than milk,
At times she'll be vengeful, merry and sad,
She'll hate you like poison, and love you like mad.
THE MOODS OF A MAN
Hungry. Horny. Sleepy.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-18-2003, 06:40 PM:
Rated G blue_meanie
When asked "What kinds of clothes are there?"
Women will answer "Clean and Dirty."
Men will answer "Clean, Almost Clean, Sorta Clean, Not bad,Dirty,
Really Dirty, Funky, Nasty, Biohazard."
(Men will voluntarily wear all but the last classification of these clothes.)
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-25-2003, 10:25 AM:
Rated G
Overheard in a restaurant:
SHE: This wine is described as full bodied and imposing with a nutty base, a sharp bite, and a bitter aftertaste.
HE: Are you describing the wine or your mother?
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-30-2003, 07:39 AM:
Ratede G
FEMALE PRAYER
-Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong,
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to "How big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me no end,
and never attempt to hit on my friend.
And as I pray beside my bed,
I look at the clown you sent me instead. Amen.
MALE PRAYER:
I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs who owns a liquor
store. Amen.
***
Thought for the day....
Men are like a fine wine. They start out as grapes, and
it's up to women to stomp the shit out of them until they
turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.
There, doesn't that just touch your heart?
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 07-01-2003, 10:01 AM:
Rated G
He said, She said
1. He said....I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it. She said... You wear pants don't you?
2. He said...since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you really badly. She said....Well, you succeeded.
3. He said...Shall we try swapping positions tonight? She said...That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!
4. He said...What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you? She said...Turn sideways and look in the mirror!
5. He said....Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm? She said...I would but you are never there.
6. On a wall in a ladies room...."My husband follows me everywhere" Written just below it..."I do not"
7. How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes? Both of them.
8. Why did the man cross the road? He heard the chicken was a prostitute.
9. Why don't women blink during foreplay? They don't have time.
10 Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg? They don't stop and ask for directions
11. What do men and sperm have in common? They both have one-in-a-million chance of becoming a human being
12. How does a man show that he is planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer.
13 Why are blonde jokes so short? So men can remember them
14. How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper? We don't know; it's never happened
15 Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good-looking? They already have boyfriends.
16 Why are married women heavier than single women? Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
17 What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common? They are married.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 07-03-2003, 09:02 AM:
Rated G
Man: "Haven't we met before?"
Woman: "Perhaps. I'm the receptionist at the VD Clinic."
Man: "Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."
Man: "Is this seat empty?"
Woman: "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down."
Man: "So, wanna go back to my place ?"
Woman: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"
Man: "Your place or mine?"
Woman: "Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine."
Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"
Woman: "It's in the phone book."
Man: "But I don't know your name."
Woman: "That's in the phone book too."
Man: "So what do you do for a living?"
Woman: "I'm a female impersonator."
Man: "Hey, baby, what's your sign?"
Woman: "Do not Enter"
Man: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"
Woman: "Unfertilized !"
Man: "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason"
Woman: "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!"
Man: "I know how to please a woman."
Woman: "Then please leave me alone."
Man: "I want to give myself to you."
Woman: "Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts."
Man: "If I could see you naked, I'd die happy:
Woman: "Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing".
Man: "Your body is like a temple."
Woman: "Sorry, there are no services today."
Man: "I'd go through anything for you."
Woman: "Good! Let's start with your bank account."
Man: "I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: "Yes, but would you stay there?
Posted by Rachel Gilardi (Member # 1016) on 07-09-2003, 06:43 PM:
Rated PG
Why God Made Women....
Short, sweet and to the point.....
God made women because men are like a fine wine. They start out as grapes and it's up to women to stomp the shit out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 07-16-2003, 06:54 AM:
Rated PG
HOW TO BE A GOOD WIFE..
The following is from an actual 1950s Home Economics textbook intended for High School girls, teaching them how to prepare for married life. Then read on for the way things really are....
1. HAVE DINNER READY:
Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal on time. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him, and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospects of a good meal are part of the warm welcome needed.
2. PREPARE YOURSELF:
Take 15 minutes to rest so you will be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people.Be a little gay and a little more interesting. His boring day may need a lift.
3. CLEAR AWAY CLUTTER.
Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives, gathering up schoolbooks, toys, paper, etc. Then run a dust cloth over the tables. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift too.
4. PREPARE THE CHILDREN.
Take a few minutes to wash the children's hands and faces if they are small, comb their hair, and if necessary, change their clothes. They are little treasures and he would like to see them playing the part.
5. MINIMIZE THE NOISE:
At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of washer, dryer, or vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be quiet. Greet him with a warm smile and kiss, letting him know you're glad to see him.
6. Some DON'TS:
Don't greet him with problems or complaints. Don't complain if he's late for dinner.Count this as minor compared with what he might have gone through that day.
7. MAKE HIM COMFORTABLE.
Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or suggest he lay down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him. Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soft, soothing and pleasant voice. Allow him to relax and unwind.
8. LISTEN TO HIM:
You may have a dozen things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first.
9. MAKE THE EVENING HIS:
Never complain if he does not take you out to dinner or to other places of entertainment; instead try to understand his world of strain and pressure and his need to be home and relax.
10. THE GOAL:
try to make your home a place of peace and order where your husband can relax.
*** TODAY ***
HAVE DINNER READY:
Make reservations ahead of time. If your day becomes too hectic just leave him a voice mail message regarding where you'd like to eat and at what time. This lets him know that your day has been crappy and gives him an opportunity to change your mood.
2. PREPARE YOURSELF:
Make sure to change out of your work clothes into something comfortable. Who cares if he likes it or not... after all, it's most likely his T-shirt and boxers.
3. CLEAR AWAY CLUTTER:
Yeah right! Tell the kids and your husband if they want maid service, they better call one!
4. PREPARE THE CHILDREN:
Send the children to their rooms to watch television or play with their Play Stations.
5. MINIMIZE THE NOISE:
Yell to him over the loud music your kids are playing, that this is what you had to put up with while he was gone. And mention that it was his decision to buy the kids a new CD player in the first place.
6. SOME DON'TS:
Don't greet him with problems and complaints. Let him speak first, and then your complaints will get more attention and remain fresh in his mind throughout dinner. Don't complain if he's late for dinner, simply remind him that the leftovers are in
the fridge and you left the dishes for him to do.
7. MAKE HIM COMFORTABLE:
Tell him where he can find a blanket if he's cold. This will really show you care.
8. LISTEN TO HIM:
But don't ever let him get the last word.
9. MAKE THE EVENING HIS:
Never complain if he does not take you out to dinner or other places of entertainment; go with a friend or go shopping (use his credit card). Familiarize him with the phrase "Girls' Night Out!"
10. THE GOAL:
Try to keep things amicable without reminding him that he only thinks the world revolves around him. Obviously he's wrong, it revolves around you.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 07-22-2003, 08:06 AM:
Rated G
This is a question that has gone unanswered for centuries......but, now we know.
If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the
rat race...you're a male chauvinist.
If you stay home and do the housework...you're a pansy.
If you work too hard...there's never any time for her.
If you don't work enough...you're a good-for-nothing bum.
If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay...this is
exploitation.
If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay.....
you should get off your lazy behind and find something better.
If you get a promotion ahead of her.....that is favoritism.
If she gets a job ahead of you......it's equal opportunity.
If you mention how nice she looks......it's sexual harassment.
If you keep quiet..........it's male indifference.
If you cry............you're a wimp.
If you don't........you're an insensitive bastard.
If you make a decision without consulting her.........you're a
chauvinist.
If she makes a decision without consulting you......she's a
liberated woman.
If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy....... that's
domination.
If SHE asks you.........it's a favor.
If you appreciate the female form and frilly
underwear......you're a pervert.
If you don't..............you're gay.
If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in
shape..............you're sexist.
If you don't.................you're unromantic.
If you try to keep yourself in shape................you're vain.
If you don't................you're a slob.
If you buy her flowers.............you're after something.
If you don't....................you're not thoughtful.
If you're proud of your achievements........you're full of
yourself.
If you don't....................you're not ambitious.
If she has a headache............she's tired.
If you have a headache.............you don't love her anymore.
If you want it too often.........you're oversexed.
If you don't................there must be someone else.
Men die first because they want to.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 07-25-2003, 07:40 AM:
Rated PG Nan In Warwick
Men and Women
I never have quite figured out why the sexual urges of men & women differ so much.And I never have figured out the whole Mars & Venus thing.And,I never have figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.And,I never yet have figured out how the sexual desire gene gets thrown into a state of turmoil,when it hears the words "I do."
But......
One evening last week,my wife and I were getting into bed. Well,the passion starts to heat up,we start touching, feeling and I am thinking tonight is a green light!!!!Then out of no where she says,"I don't feel like it,I just want you to hold me."
I said,"WHAT??" So she says the words that I and every husband on the planet dreads.She explains that I "must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a woman."I'm thinking,"Duh, what was her first clue?"
Although I keep trying to cling onto one last ounce of hope,I finally realize that nothing is going to happen that night,so I fall asleep.
The very next day we went shopping at a big unnamed department store.
I walked around while she tried on three very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take,so I told her to take all three of them.
She then tells me that she wants matching shoes worth $200 each---to which I say OK.
And then we go to the Jewelry Dept.Where she gets a set of diamond earrings.Let me tell you . . . she was so excited.She must have thought that I was one wave short of a shipwreck,but I don't think she cared. I think she was testing me when she asked for a tennis bracelet because she doesn't even play tennis.I think I threw her for a loop when I told her that it was OK.
From where I was standing,the woman was purely aroused and completely sexually excited from all of this.You should have seen her face when she finally said, "Okay,honey,I'm done, let's go to the cash register." I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No, honey. I don't feel like buying all this stuff now. "
You should have seen her face . . . it went completely blank. Especially when I said, "Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me,I added, "You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a Man."
I figure that I should be having sex again sometime during the spring thaw 2005.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 07-29-2003, 10:19 AM:
Rated PG ![[Cool]](cool.gif)
Lorraine
Ever notice how there's an inverse relationship between a woman's bra size and intelligence?
The larger the bra she wears,the dumber the guy she's talking to
gets.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 07-31-2003, 04:57 AM:
Rated PG
A guy at the yacht club leered at a babe and said "Hey, baby,
would you help me 'raise my mast'?"
"No thanks," she said sweetly. "I heard about you from your ex
and she included a 'small craft' warning."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 07-31-2003, 07:14 AM:
[b]Rated PG Michele
What's the definition of a really macho woman?
She jump starts her vibrator.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
What's the definition of a really macho man?
He puts on a condom with a tire iron.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 08-23-2003, 05:33 AM:
Rated G Michele
The young couple were holding hands in the Sunshine Gardens nudist camp.
"When I tell you I love you," he asked,"why do you always lower your eyes?"
"To see if it's true," she answered shyly.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 08-25-2003, 12:10 PM:
Rated G Michele
What is the difference between men and women...
A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need.
A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 08-26-2003, 07:56 AM:
Rated G
***** GENDER of computers *****
WOMEN CLAIM that computers should be referred to in the
MASCULINE gender - because:
1. In order to get their attention,you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the
time they are the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one,you realize that,if you had
waited a little longer you could have had a better model.
MEN concluded that computers should be referred to in the
FEMININE gender - because:
1. No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other
computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself
spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 09-12-2003, 10:16 AM:
Rated G
A stout elderly woman enters a room in which an elderly gentleman is sitting.When he does not rise, she chides him,"I see that you are not so gallant as when you were a boy!"
He shoots right back:"And I see that you are not so buoyant as when you were a gal!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 09-22-2003, 11:21 AM:
Rated G PERFECT:
Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect.
One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help.
There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering the toys.
Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident.
Question: Who was the survivor????????????
(Scroll down for the answer.)
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Answer: The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man.
**** Women stop reading here, that is the end of the joke.-----Men keep scrolling.
So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the woman must have been driving. This explains why there was a car accident.-------Men Keep scrolling
By the way, if you're a woman and you're still reading, this illustrates another point: ***Women never listen.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 09-24-2003, 08:26 AM:
Rated G Michele
Him: "I woke up with an erection this morning, and it had your name written all over it."
Her: "I'm sure my name is far too long to fit the whole thing on your penis."
Him: "Oh, yeah? What's your name?"
Her: "Lu."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-17-2003, 02:41 PM:
Rated G Michele
Bob was such a womanizer. Everywhere he went, he was always
hitting on women. True to his form, he was at a department store
one afternoon and was attracted to one of the saleswomen and
proceeded to see if she would go out with him that evening.
She snapped at him, "I know your type. You think you can take me
for drinks, and then try to get me back to your apartment, and
then get me in to your bed. I can read you like a book."
Bob just smiled and said, "Well then, don’t miss Chapter 5, it’s a doozie."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-27-2003, 01:31 PM:
Rated G Michele
The couple ended their date at her house.She invited the man in since it was early.
As he sat down on the sofa she said,"Would you like to have a
lil' drink ?"
He grinned and replied, "I'd like to have a little -- period."
"How very convenient." she mused. "'Cause that's exactly what I'm having."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-27-2003, 02:38 PM:
Rated G blue_meanie
When a man says "fine," he means everything's fine.
When a woman says "fine" she means, I'm really ticked off, and
you have to find out why.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-28-2003, 12:35 PM:
Rated PG for women and X for men
Perfect Day for a Woman
08:15 Wake up to hugs and kisses.
08:30 Weigh 5 lb. lighter than yesterday.
08:45 Breakfast in bed, fresh squeezed orange juice and croissants.
09:15 Soothing hot bath with fragrant lilac bath oil.
10:00 Light workout at club with handsome, funny, gay personal trainer.
10:30 Facial, manicure, shampoo, and comb out.
12:00 Lunch with best friend at an outdoor cafe.
12:45 Notice ex-boyfriend?s wife, she has gained 30 lb.
13:00 Shopping with friends, buy myself something special.
15:00 Nap.
16:00 A dozen roses delivered by florist from a secret admirer.
16:15 Light workout at club followed by a gentle massage.
17:30 Pick outfit for dinner. Primp before mirror.
19:00 Candlelight dinner for two followed by dancing.
20:00 Surprised with a piece of jewelry as a token of love.
21:30 Hot shower. Alone.
22:00 Make love.
23:00 Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling.
23:15 Fall asleep in his big, strong arms.
Perfect Day for a Man
06:00 Alarm.
06:15 Blowjob.
06:30 Massive dump while reading the sports section.
07:00 Breakfast. Filet Mignon, eggs, toast and coffee.
07:30 Limo arrives.
07:45 Beefeater Gin Gibson en route to airport.
08:15 Private jet to Augusta, Georgia.
09:30 Limo to Augusta National Golf Club.
09:45 Play front nine, finish 2 under par.
11:45 Lunch. 2 dozen oysters on the half shell. 3 Heinekens.
12:15 Blowjob.
12:30 Play back nine at Augusta, finish 4 under par.
14:15 Limo back to airport. Drink 2 Beefeater Gin Gibson martinis.
14:30 Private jet to Nassau, Bahamas. Nap.
15:15 Late afternoon fishing excursion with topless female crew.
16:30 Catch world record light tackle marlin - 1249 lbs.
17:00 Jet back home. En route, get massage from naked Playmate of your choice.
19:00 Watch CNN Newsflash. Clinton resigns.
19:30 Blowjob.
19:30 Dinner. Lobster appetizers, Dom Perignon, 20 0z. New York Strip.
21:00 Relax after dinner with 1789 Augler Cognac and Cuban cigar.
22:00 Have sex with two 18 year old nymphomaniacs.
23:00 Massage and jacuzzi.
23:45 Go to bed.
23:50 Let loose a 12 second, 4 octave fart. Watch the dog leave the room.
23:55 Laugh yourself to sleep.
Does Life Get Any Better?
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-13-2003, 06:42 AM:
Rated G
The tall,handsome,confident gentleman walked over to the girl and made a disparaging remark about the men who had been chatting her up.
She laughed gaily, "When I don't want a man's attentions," she
confided,"and he asks where I live,I just say,'I'm visiting
here'."
"Ha-ha," he laughed, relishing her humor."Where do you really
live?"
"I'm just visiting here."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-14-2003, 12:14 PM:
Rated G Michele
A guy gets set up on a blind date and he takes her out for dinner to a very expensive restaurant to make a good impression. The waiter approaches the table and asks to take their order.
The lady begins ordering practically everything on the menu, shrimpcocktail,pate,Caesar salad,lobster,crepes suzette,with no regard to the price.
The guy is getting very upset, as he never thought she would order so much.She then stops,and looks across at him, and asks,"What do you suggest I wash it down with?"
"Well my dear,I can think of nothing so fitting as the Mississippi River."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-16-2003, 06:22 AM:
Rated G Michele
Science Magazine came out with a report on the difference between men and women's brains.
Apparently women are more controlled by a part of the brain called singletgyrus and men are more controlled by a part of the brain known as the penis.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-16-2003, 06:24 AM:
Rated G Michele
She: It was an honest mistake, honey.I said I was sorry.If I get down on my knees, will you forgive me?
He: If you get down on your knees,I'll forgive,forget,and won't care if you do it again!
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-16-2003, 09:25 AM:
Rated G Michele
After God had created man,he stepped back and admired his
work:"Look at this perfect physique,the strong but yet handsome features,the well balanced proportions,I have to say,I am in awe with myself."
Then he turned and looked at the woman.After he had been studying her for a while he said:"Well,I guess you will have to wear make-up."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-21-2003, 07:24 AM:
Rated G Lorraine
Guy: Hey baby, what's your sign?
Girl: Exit, you should try it.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-17-2003, 09:25 AM:
Rated G Michele
Jill: John, why are you wearing nothing but your running shoes?
John: Well, you said we'd have a "marathon" session tonight!
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-27-2003, 10:48 AM:
Rated PG Hank in Simi
He said . . . I don't now why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said . . . You wear pants don't you?
**********************
He said . . .Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said . . . That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa.
**********************
He said . . . What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said . . .Turn sideways and look in the mirror!
************************
On a wall in a ladies room . . . "My husband follows me everywhere"
Written just below it . . . " I do not"
***********************
Q. How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
A. Both of them.
***************************
Q. What is the difference between men and government bonds?
A. The bonds mature.
********************************
Q. Why are blonde jokes so short?
A. So men can remember them.
********************************
Q. How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
A. We don't know; it has never happened.
********************************
Q. Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good-looking?
A. They already have boyfriends.
*********************************
Q. What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A. A widow.
***********************************
Q. Why are married women heavier than single women?
A. Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed.
Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
************************************
Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?"
God says: "So you would love her." But God," the man says, "why did you make her so dumb?"
God says: "So she would love you."
***********************************
SEND THIS TO A SMART WOMAN WHO NEEDS A LAUGH AND TO THE GUYS YOU THINK CAN HANDLE IT
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-30-2003, 08:40 AM:
Rated PG Michele
He looked deep into the eyes of the woman he loved and said, "My
heart is broken. I saw you with another man yesterday."
"Oh don't be silly!" she replied, "That was just my husband, you
know there's no one but you."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-11-2004, 09:56 AM:
Rated R Dennis in Yonkers
A man and a woman, who have never met before, find themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a Transcontinental train.
Although initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, the two are tired and fall asleep quickly -- he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.
At 2:00 a.m., he leans over and gently wakes the woman,saying,
"Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you,but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."
"I have a better idea," she replies. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."
"Wow! That's a great idea!!" he exclaims.
"Good," she replies. "Get your own fucking blanket."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-11-2004, 10:42 AM:
Rated G Amy Lou in Rochester NY
"You might show me a little more respect." complained Jill as she and her date were driving back from "Lover's Lookout".
"Yeah ?" said the smirking date, "Like by doing what?"
"Well, for starters clown, not flying my panty hose from your
radio antenna.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-20-2004, 10:29 AM:
Rated R Lorraine
BREAKING UP IS HARD:
Psychology: Girl accuses guy of just using her as a substitute for his Mother.
Sociology:Each claims to have been oppressed in the relationship.
Religion: Each prays for reconcilliation and/or curses God
Archaeology: One tries to bury the past, and accuses the other of trying to dig it up.
Theatre: "OH MY GOD! Life is... ENDED... as we KNOW it!"
Biology: "You just wanted to get in my genes!"
Physics: Both resign themselves to the fact that what goes up must come down.
Journalism: "Today was the end of an era. Jack, 19, and Jill,18, called an end to their relationship of 2 weeks..."
Women's Studies: "HE did it!"
Business: Both decide that they're spending way too much money
together,and that it's simply cheaper to be single.
Italian: "Mama Mia!"
History:Each party argues the breakup was caused by something the other party did in the past.
Geography: Both people decide to simply move far away to avoid
each other.
Anatomy: "I never liked your body anyway."
Economics: One party demands more than the other can supply.
English: Each writes the other a perfect breakup letter, complete with introduction,thesis,body,and conclusion,that doesn't really say anything substantively intelligible.
Education: Both concede that the relationship was a learning
experience.
Computing: "Man, this bytes -- we just couldn't interface"
and/or "His hard drive was more like a floppy."
E. Engineer: "It's just so shocking... I'm sure there are
positives and negatives, but..."
Architecture: "There just wasn't much to build on anyway..."
Jewish Studies: "OY! You should feel so guilty!"
Philosophy: If 2 people break up in a dorm and there's no one to
witness the breakup, are they really single?
Zoology: They were able to mate like banshees, but lacked
sophisticated communication skills.
Phys. Ed.: They punch each other out in frustration.
Chemistry: They turn to hard drugs to relieve the pain.
Counseling: Each urges the other to "get help!"
Music: Each utilizes an operatic lament (or, in Tennessee, a
country song) to express his or her sorrow.
Law: They sue each other for breach of a pre-dating agreement.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-20-2004, 10:57 AM:
Rated G Michele
A ten year old boy was walking home with a girl in his class when he said,"Pammy,you're the first girl I have ever loved."
Pammy responded,"Great,that's all I need is another beginner."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-27-2004, 06:05 AM:
Rated G
The Relationship With Your Wife/Girlfriend Is Over When...
- She puts your dinner on the floor in the Rover Dish.
- The milkman is wearing your bathrobe.
- You get a ticket for the Jerry Springer Show.
- She starts every sentence with the words... "To whom it may
concern."
- Your mail comes addressed to "Current Resident".
- The local mortician starts measuring you for a new suit.
- Her mother looks at you and starts laughing.
- You are urged to stir your coffee "very well" before drinking
it.
- Your favourite easy chair is plugged into the wall outlet.
- All of your shirts have a target painted on them.
- People are already referring to her as the "widow".
- You come home and all that is left of the house is the
foundation.
- Your name is Fred and a new tattoo just below her navel reads..."Joe's Place."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-02-2004, 09:40 AM:
Rated G Kevin in East Greenwich
My girlfriend likes sticking her tits in my face,then asking for
something really expensive.She inevitably get what she wants.
This,my friends,is what is known as a booby trap.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-02-2004, 11:03 AM:
Rated G
Men don't feel the urge to get married as quickly as women do
because their clothes all button and zip in the front.
Women's dresses usually button and zip in the back.
Women may need men emotionally and sexually, but they also need
men to help them get dressed easier and quicker.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-05-2004, 11:11 AM:
Rated PG
Two girls board a crowded bus and one of them whispers to the
other, "Watch me embarrass a man into giving me his seat."
Pushing her way through the crowd, she turned all of her charms
upon a gentleman who looked like he might embarrass easily.
"My dear Mr. Wilson," she gushed,"fancy meeting you here on the
bus. Am I glad to see you! Why you're almost a stranger.My,but
I'm tired!"
The sedate gent looked up at the girl.
He had never seen her before but he rose and said pleasantly,
"Sit down,Mary,my girl.It isn't often I see you on washday.No wonder you're tired.Being pregnant isn't easy. Have you figured out who the father is yet? By the way,don't deliver the wash until Thursday.My wife is going to the District Attorney's office to see whether or not she can get your husband out of jail."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-05-2004, 09:09 AM:
Rated G Michele
At a country-club party a young man was introduced to an
attractive girl.Immediately he began paying her court and
flattering her outrageously.The girl liked the young man, but she was taken a bit aback by his fast and ardent pitch.She was amazed when after 30 minutes he seriously proposed marriage.
"Look," she said. "We only met a half hour ago. How can you be so sure? We know nothing about each other."
"You're wrong," the young man declared."For the past 5 years I've been working in the bank where your father has his account.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-22-2004, 12:30 PM:
Rated G George in Iowa
I phoned up a really gorgeous ex-girlfriend of mine the other day. We lost track of time, chatting about the wild nights we used to enjoy together.I couldn't BELIEVE it when she asked if I'd like to meet up and maybe rekindle a little of that magic.
"Wow!" I said "I don't know if I could keep pace with you now! I'm
a bit older and a bit balder than when you last saw me!"
She giggled and said she was sure I'd meet the challenge.
"Yeah," I said, "Just so long as you don't mind a man with a
waistband that's a few inches wider these days!"
She laughed and told me to stop being so silly. She teased me,
saying she thought tubby bald men were cute.
"Anyway", she said, "I've put on a couple of pounds myself!"
So I hung up...
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-12-2004, 08:59 PM:
Rated G Hank in Simi
THE MOODS OF A WOMAN
An angel of truth and a dream of fiction,
A woman is a bundle of much contradiction,
She's afraid of a wasp, will scream at a mouse,
But will tackle a stranger alone in the house.
Can be sour as vinegar, but sweet as a rose,
She'll kiss you one minute, then turn up her nose,
She'll win you in rage, enchant you in silk,
She'll be stronger than brandy, milder than milk,
At times she'll be vengeful, then merry or sad,
She'll hate you like poison, then love you like mad.
THE MOODS OF A MAN
Hungry.
Horny.
Sleepy.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-19-2004, 11:46 AM:
Rated G Michele
Men have secret societies and shrouded rituals.
Women have kitchen tables and a damn good laugh.
[ 05-05-2004, 12:32 PM: Message edited by: Bob Maar ]
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 05-05-2004, 12:32 PM:
Rated G
My girlfriend is weird. She asked me, 'If you could know how and when you were going to die, would you want to know?'
I said, 'No.'
She said, 'Okay, then forget it.'"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 05-06-2004, 09:36 PM:
Rated G Lorraine
Fred's convertible glided to a halt on the edge of a lonely country road. "I suppose," said his pretty but reluctant date, "you're going to pull the old 'out of gas' routine."
"No," said Fred," I'm going to pull the 'here after' routine."
"The 'here after' routine? What's that?" she wanted to know.
"If you're not here after what I'm here after, you'll be here after I'm gone."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 05-07-2004, 03:03 AM:
Rated G
Our courtship had just begun,and Roger impressed me with his honesty and simple values.The way he acted on our third date made me believe he found me as appealing as I did him,for he edged closer to me as the evening progressed. Finally,he blurted,"I love that smell."
"Evening in Paris?" I smiled coyly.
"No," he murmured as he buried his face in my shoulder."Fresh laundry."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 05-07-2004, 04:34 AM:
Rated G Denny in Yonkers
Deep Thought for the Day:
For all those men who say, "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?"
Here's an update for you.
Nowadays 50% of women are against marriage.
Why?
Because women realize its not worth buying an entire pig, just to get a little sausage.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 08-04-2004, 12:27 PM:
Rated PG LAS in CT
The Zipper
A man walked into a supermarket with his zipper down. A lady
cashier walked up to him and said "Your barracks door is
open." This is not a phrase men normally use, so he went on
his way looking a bit puzzled.
When he was about done shopping, a man came up and said
"Your fly is open."
He zipped up and finished his shopping.
He then intentionally got in the line to check out where the
lady was that told him about his barracks door. He was
planning to have a little fun with her.
When he reached her counter he said, "When you saw my
barracks door open did you see a soldier standing in there
at attention?"
The lady (being smarter than a man) thought for a moment and
said, "No, no I didn't. All I saw was a disabled veteran
sitting on two duffel bags."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 08-16-2004, 01:37 PM:
Rated G Lorraine
I ran short of money while visiting my brother, and borrowed $50 from him. After my return home,I wrote him a short letter every few weeks, enclosing a $5 check in each one.
He called me up and told me how much he enjoyed the letters, regardless of the money; I had never written regularly before.
Eventually I sent off a letter and the last five-dollar check.
In my mail box the next week I found an envelope from my brother. Inside was another $50.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 08-24-2004, 11:27 AM:
Rated G
A woman slips on a fresh piece of cow manure. She gets up only to see a man slip on the same piece.
"I did that!"
To which he replies, "Well, next time clean it up."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-16-2004, 09:47 AM:
Rated PG Phil in CA or TX
A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday,and as they had not been dating very long,after careful
consideration he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note: Romantic but not too personal.Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister,he went to a dept.store and bought a pair of white gloves.The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself.During the wrapping,the Clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties.
Without checking the contents,the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart with the following note:
"I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening.
If it had not been for your sister,I would have chosen the long
ones with the buttons but she wears short ones that are easier to remove.These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they are hardly soiled.
I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart.I wish I were there to put them on for you the first time as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again.When you take them off,remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little dampfrom wearing.Just think how many times I will kiss them during thecoming year!
I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night."
All my love.
P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-02-2004, 09:06 AM:
Rated G Michele
"I have to tell the truth," Mark said to Michelle. "While we've been dating, I've been secretly seeing a psychiatrist."
"Don't worry about it," said Michelle. "I've been secretly seeing a lawyer and a car salesman."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-02-2004, 10:36 AM:
Rated G
All John asked for was a little good-night kiss, but Jill haughtily rebuffed him with, "I don't do that sort of thing on my first date!"
"Well," John replied with sarcasm, "how about on your last date?"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-22-2004, 09:42 AM:
Rated G Bruce
EYE CONTACT: A method utilized by a single woman to communicate to a man that she is interested in him.
Despite being advised to do so,many women have difficulty looking a man directly in the eyes,not necessarily due to the shyness,but usually due to the fact that a woman's eyes are not located in her chest.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-23-2004, 08:27 AM:
Rated G Lorraine
"Dance is the only sport I know,where a man can touch a woman over most parts of her body,and she thanks you for it afterwords."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-26-2004, 08:22 PM:
Rated R Ed in Aurora,Ont.
A chicken farmer went into a local tavern and took a seat at the bar next to a woman patron and orders a glass of champagne.
The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne too!"
He turned to her and said, "What a coincidence."He continued,
"This is a special day for me, I'm celebrating."
"This is a special day for me, too, and I'm also celebrating!" says the woman.
"What a coincidence." says the man. They clinked glasses and he sked,"What are you celebrating?"
"My husband and I have been trying to have a child. Today, my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant!"
What a coincidence." says the man. "I'm a chicken farmer. For years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally fertile."
"That's great!" says the woman, "How did your chickens become fertile?"
"I switched cocks," he replied.
"What a coincidence," she said.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-15-2004, 01:13 PM:
Rated G
A man asked his neighbor how he kept his car looking so nice and glossy. The neighbor replied that his wife gave him all her worn out panties and he used these to polish his car with.
Being a bachelor, he decided to ask his stenographer for some of hers, so one day at the office he asked: "By the way, Miss Jones, what do you do with your panties when you wear them out?"
Why?" she replied demurely, "If I can find them afterwards, I put them back on again."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-30-2004, 07:37 AM:
Rated PG Denny in Yonkers
When he found out he was going to inherit afortune when his sickly, widowed father died, Charles decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with.
So one evening, he went to a singles bar where he spotted the most beautiful woman he'd ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.
I may look like just an ordinary man," he said, as he walked up to her,"but in just a week or two, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."
The woman went home with Charles that evening ...... and the next day, she became his stepmother.
Women are so much smarter. When will men ever learn?
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-30-2004, 07:46 AM:
Rated PG
How to Impress A Woman
Wine her,
* Dine her;
* Call her,
* Hug her,
* Support her,
* Hold her,
* Surprise her,
* Compliment her,
* Smile at her,
* Listen to her,
* Laugh with her,
* Cry with her,
* Romance her,
* Encourage her,
* Believe in her,
* Pray with her,
* Pray for her,
* Cuddle with her,
* Shop with her,
* Give her jewelry,
* Buy her flowers,
* Hold her hand,
* Write love letters to her,
* Go to the end of the Earth and back again for her.
How to impress a man:
* Show up naked . Bring chicken wings ... Don't block the TV.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-31-2004, 05:48 PM:
Rated G
Two well-dressed, matronly women entered the business office and approached an executive.
"Sir," said one, "we are soliciting funds for the welfare and rehabilitation of wayward women. Would you care to donate?"
"Sorry," replied the executive, "but I contribute directly."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-10-2005, 11:14 AM:
Rated PG
This morning on the Interstate,
I looked over to my
left and there was a
woman
in a brand new
Cadillac
doing 65 mph
with her
face up next to her
rear view mirror
putting on her eyeliner.
I looked away
for a couple seconds
and when I looked back she was
halfway over in my lane,
still working on that makeup.
As a man,
I don't scare easily.
But she scared me so much;
I dropped
my electric shaver,
which knocked
the donut
out of my other hand.
In all
the confusion of trying
to straighten out the car
using my knees against
the steering wheel,
it knocked
my cell phone
away from my ear
which fell
into the coffee
between my legs,
splashed,
and burned
Big Jim and the Twins,
ruined the damn phone,
soaked my trousers,
and disconnected an important call.
Damn women drivers
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-12-2005, 11:08 AM:
Rated G
A man is taking a woman home after their first date. When they get to her door, he asks if he can come inside.
"Absolutely not", the woman says. "I never ask a guy to come in on the first date."
"All right then", the man replies, "how about on the last date?"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-13-2005, 01:52 PM:
Rated G Michele
Aunt Mary, a spinster of 92, had finally consented to go to a rest home, but strictly on a two-week-trial basis. Consequently, she took a small overnight case with only the bare essentials.
A couple of days later her niece was surprised to get a phone call from her demanding more clothes.
"Please bring me that good black silk, my lavender print, the brown wool..." and she went on and on. Finally after a brief questioning from her niece, Aunt Mary expostulated: "There are MEN in this place!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-17-2005, 12:39 PM:
Rated PG
Women's humor:
One day my housework-challenged my husband to decide to wash his sweatshirt.Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"
"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?" He yelled back,"University of North Carolina." And they say blondes are dumb...
_______________________
A couple is lying in bed. The man says,"I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world" The woman says,"I'll miss you..."
_______________________
"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?" "Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.
_______________________
Q: What do you call an intelligent,good looking,sensitive man?
A: A rumor
_______________________
A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their
40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been such a devoted couple she would grant each of them a very special wish. The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband. Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands. The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger... Whoosh...immediately he turned ninety!!!
Gotta love that fairy!
__________________
AND THE BEST ONE YET...
A WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST:
* She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
* Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
* Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
* Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
* And her husband is on the back of the milk carton
A PRAYER....
Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him;
And Patience for his moods.Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength,I'll beat him to death.
AMEN
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-25-2005, 11:53 AM:
Rated G
A guy is out with buddies and has a few drinks and is feeling a little frisky but,true to his wife,goes home.
He finds her sound asleep in bed with her mouth wide open, so he gets two aspirin and drops them in her mouth.
She starts to choke, but recovers and asks, "What did you put in my mouth?"
He says, "Two aspirin."
She replies, "But I don't have a headache!"
He says, "That's all I wanted to hear."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-16-2005, 09:39 AM:
Rated PG
A young couple were kissing passionately when, suddenly, the young man pulled back, smiled, and said, "Honey, I have your gum."
She looked puzzled as she said, "But I wasn't chewing gum." Then the light dawned as she said, "But I have a cold." ![[puke]](graemlins/puke.gif)
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-11-2005, 01:13 PM:
Rated G Janice
When I was just beginng to take an interest in the opposite sex I remember my slightly prejudicial Mom telling me, "Son, when you grow up, you can marry any girl you please."
Later on, as a young man,I learned the fallacy of that statement when it became quite apparent to me that I was having one hell of a hard time trying to please any of them.
Posted by System Notices (Member # 2357) on 06-21-2011, 04:16 AM:
It has been 2292 days since the last post.
Posted by Ian Parfrey (Member # 5122) on 06-21-2011, 04:16 AM:
Rated MA
I went to the doctor's the other day. I told her I needed her to take a look at my dick.
She took a look and said, 'I can't see anything wrong with it.
I said, 'I know. Isn't it a beauty?'
Posted by System Notices (Member # 2357) on 09-01-2014, 02:44 PM:
It has been 1168 days since the last post.