"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."

-Jack Nicholson

A politician is a man who will double cross a bridge when he comes to it.

--- Oscar Levant
 

"Genetic scientists say that one day it will be possible to grow new body parts, like new breasts and new hands. It's going to be a huge moneymaker, because you know that as soon as women grow another breast, men will want another hand."

---Jay Leno
 

"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, whereas, of course, men are just grateful."

---Robert DiNero

"I like women's dresses that are cut to see level."

-Henny Youngman

 

"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships."

- Sharon Stone

 

"I wouldn't mind being the last man on Earth - just to see if all of those girls were telling me the truth."

-Ronnie Shakes
 

The problem with political jokes is they get elected.

-- Henry Cate VII

"You know that look women get when they want sex?

Me neither." --Drew Carey

 

My cousin is an agoraphobic homosexual, which makes it kind of hard for him to come out of the closet."

-Bill Kelly
 

"Programming is like sex. One mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life."

---Michael Sinz
 

I bet a lot of mimes choke to death because nobody believes they're really choking.

-John Gephart


 

I feel like that all the time."

-Steven Wright

 

"Do you realize that Eve was the only woman who ever took a man's side?"

-Milton Berle

 

Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac.

-George Carlin-
 

It's not hard to tell we was poor when you saw the toilet paper dryin' on the clothesline.

-George Lindsey
 

Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem.

-Jerry Seinfeld
 

If I didn't have a job taking up all of my time, I'd devote my every waking hour to serving the needy -- which would mean I'd be out looking for a job.

-Tidewater Joe

 

I wanted to be an atheist, but I gave it up. They have no holidays. --

-Henny Youngman
 

"One man that has a mind and knows it, can always beat 10 men who haven't and don't."

--George Bernard Shaw
 

"A woman is like a teabag - yu never know how strong she is until she gets into hot water."

--Eleanor Roosevelt

 

"It's just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I beat people up."

--Muhammed Ali
 

"I don't mind the rat race, but I could do with a little more cheese."

-- Slowpoke Gonzales
 

"Experience is one thing you can't get for nothing."

--Oscar Wilde
 

"Don't worry about people stealing an idea. If it's original, you will have to ram it down their throats."

-- Howard Aiken
 

"I got a lot of ideas. Trouble is, most of them suck."

-- George Carlin
 

You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline; It helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer.

- Frank Zappa
 

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

-- Ernest Hemmingway
 

Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me.

-- Winston Churchill
 

Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time.

-- Catherine Zandonella
 

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

-- Henny Youngman

 

You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on

-- Dean Martin
 

If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose.

-- Jack Handy

 

Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer.

-- Dave Barry

 

Why is American beer served cold?

So you can tell it from urine.

-- David Moulton

 

People who drink light "beer" don't like the taste of beer; they just like to pee a lot.

- Capital Brewery, Middleton, WI
 

Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world.

-- Kaiser Wilhelm
 

Work is the curse of the drinking class.

-- Oscar Wilde
 

I would kill everyone in this room for a drop of sweet beer.

-- Homer Simpson
 

They who drink beer will think beer.

-- Washington Irving
 

An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools.

-For Whom the Bell Tolls,

Ernest Hemmingway
 

He was a wise man who invented beer.

-- Plato
 

Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.

-- Benjamin Franklin
 

The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind. --

--Humphrey Bogart
 

As part of the settlement of a recent tobacco lawsuit, all cigarette ads must be removed from Times Square. But don't worry folks, it's still okay to smoke crack there.

--Conan O'Brien
 

Woody Allen said in interviews that after so many years of seeing a psychiatrist, he's stopped. Well, you know... if you've been getting therapy most of your life and you end up marrying your daughter... it's obvious it's not working...

-- Jay Leno
 

A man in Kenya has reportedly found a way to make paper our of elephant dung. You've heard of number 2 pencils? Well... this will be number 2 paper.

--Jay Leno
 

Cher admitted in an interview she has had plastic surgery, but denied she had a rib removed to make her waist smaller. She said she had a rib removed so scientists could make Calista Flockhart.

--Conan O'Brien
 

Jayson Williams of course has been arrested for accidentally shooting and killing his limo driver. He won’t be announcing the game this weekend, NBC has put him on a leave-of-absence – for 15 to 20 years! -

--Leno
 

A new survey found that teens drink 25 percent of the alcohol in the United States. The survey was conducted by the dumpster behind 7-11.

-- Conan
 

Big news in the TV world. Next month on Fox they will show a boxing match between Tonya Harding and Amy Fisher. I guess after Mike Tyson's behavior, boxing officials wanted to bring dignity back to the sport.

-- Conan
 

Bad news for New Yorkers and out-of-towners. Cab fares will be going up. But don't worry – you’ll still be getting the same low service. -

--David Letterman
 

"According to the 'Home & Garden' network, some women get more satisfaction from doing housework than from having sex. I understand that. At least when they're doing housework, they get to finish."

- -Jay Leno

 

Shoot for the moon & if you miss you are among the stars.That was one of life lessons my mother taught me.

--A Mother
 

"Have you seen this commercial for Viagra? The guy comes home, he's rushing around, he's cleaning the house, he's cooking dinner, he's setting the table, he's putting flowers and candles out before his wife gets home.

Do you think women watching the commercial go, 'Never mind the sex. Where do I find a pill to get my husband to do all of that?'"

-- Jay Leno
 

I once dated a guy who was so dumb-he could not count to twenty-one unless he was naked.

--Female Lurker Pamela
 

"You know, we make fun of President Bush a lot. But seriously, it's nice. It's nice to have a president who's busy coloring eggs instead of trying to fertilize them all the time."

—Jay Leno
 

Why is it that when we talk to God we're said to be
praying, but when God talks to us we're schizophrenic?

---Lily Tomlin
 

"I've got all the money I'll ever need if I die by four o'clock this afternoon."

-----Henry Youngman.
 

"If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there is a man on base."

- Dave Barry
 

"A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men." I just want to say to the authors of that study: "huh?"

- Conan O'Brien
 

"The problem with the designated driver program,it's not a desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house."

-- Jeff Foxworthy

 

"Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant??

I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my Goodness.... I could be eating a slow learner."

- - Lynda Montgomery
 

"I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.'"

-- Richard Jeni

 

"If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead."

-- Johnny Carson

Damn!!!! THE TORPEDOS!!!!! FULL SPEED AHEAD!!!

-Admiral David Glasgow Farragut

Paul G. Thompson The Weenie Man! John T. Hendrickson, Jr Film Handler
 

"Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography."

- Paul Rodriguez
 

"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time."

-- Robin Williams
 

What do people mean when they say the computer went down on them?" -

--Marilyn Pittman

 

Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girl-friend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp."

-- Bob Ettinger
 

"Inside every older person is a younger person - wondering what the
hell happened."

-- Cora Harvey Armstrong

 

"The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy."

--Helen Hayes (at 73)

"A man's got to do what a man's got to do. A woman must do what he can't."

--Rhonda Hansome-
 

"I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb . . and I'm also not blonde."

-Dolly Parton-
 

"In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man-if you want anything done, ask a woman."
- -Margaret Thatcher-
 

"I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career."

--Gloria Steinem-
 

"Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission."

--Eleanor Roosevelt-

"I am a marvelous housekeeper.Every time I leave a man I keep his house."

-Zsa Zsa Gabor-
 

"If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose around your neck?"

--Linda Ellerbee
 

Income tax has made liars out of more Americans than golf

--Will Rogers

 

Real love stories never have an ending.

- Anonymous -

 

"I hope they're still making women like my momma. She always told me to do the right thing. She always told me to have pride in myself; she said a good name is better than money."

--Joe Louis (1914-1981), Heavyweight Boxing Champion
 

"There are no shortcuts to any place worth going."

--Beverly Sills
 

"Everyone has a talent.What is rare is the courage to nurture it in
solitude and to follow the talent to the dark places where it leads."

--Erica Jong

"I know of no way of judging the future but by the past."

-- Patrick Henry

 

"I belong to Bridegrooms Anonynous. Whenever I feel like getting married, they send over a lady in a housecoad and hair curlers to burn my toast for me."

--Dean Martin
 

"Dreaming permits each and every one of us to be quietly and safely insane every night of our lives."

--William Dement
 

"I was raised by just my mom. See, my father died when I was eight years old. At least, that's what he told us in the letter."

--Drew Carey
 

"Just as courage imperils life, fear protects it."

- Leonardo da Vinci
 

Quotes From Sports Commentators~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Pat Glenn - Weightlifting Commentator, "This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing."

Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator: "This is really a lovely horse, I once rode her mother."

Murray Walker, "The lead car is absolutely unique, except for the one behind it which is identical."

Greg Norman, "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father."

Alan Minter, "Sure there have been injuries and deaths in boxing - but none of them serious."

Terry Venables, "If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again"

Ron Atkinson, "He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it - you can see it all over their faces."

Harry Carpenter - BBC TV Boat Race 1977, "Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the Cambridge president is kissing the cox of the Oxford crew."

Metro Radio, "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."

David Coleman at the Montreal Olympics: "There goes Juantorena down the back straight, opening his legs and showing his class."

US TV Commentator, "One of the reasons Arnie [Arnold Palmer] is playing so well is that, before each tee-shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them, oh my God, what have I just said?"

 

"Self-control is the quality that distinguishes the fittest to survive."

-- George Bernard Shaw
 

"The empires of the future are the empires of the mind..."

--Winston Churchill

"As soon as you trust yourself, you will know how to live."

-- Johann von Goethe
 

"The person who knows how will always have a job. The person who knows why will always be the boss."

-- Diane Ravitch
 

"Money doesn't talk, it swears"

--Bob Dylan
 

"Who seeks a faultless friend remains friendless."

-- Turkish proverb
 

"Sports is the toy department of human life."

--Howard Cosell
 

"No steam or gas ever drives anything until it is confined. No Niagara isever turned into light and power until it is tunneled. No life ever growsuntil it is focused, dedicated, disciplined."

--Harry Emerson Fosdick
 

Go to the top of the page & scroll down to see "The Maar Movie"
 

"If a child is to keep alive his inborn sense of wonder, he needs
the companionship of at least one adult who can share it, rediscovering with him the joy, excitement and mystery of the world we live in."

--Rachel Carson

"The best teachers of humanity are the lives of great men."

- Charles H. Fowler
 

"Me, I'm just a hack. I'm just a schlepper. I just do what I can do."

- Bette Midler
 

"There are two days about which nobody should ever worry, and these areyesterday and tomorrow."

-- Robert Jones Burdette
 

"Every saint has a past, and every sinner has a future."

-- Oscar Wilde
 

"There is no cure for birth and death save to enjoy the interval."

-- George Santayana
 

"One man; two loves. No good ever comes of that."

-- Euripedes

"If it were not for hopes, the heart would break."

-- Thomas Fuller
 

"Grant me the courage not to give up, even though I think it is hopeless."

-- Admiral Chester W. Nimitz
 

"The talk you hear about adapting to change is not only stupid, it's dangerous. The only way you can manage change is to create it."

--Peter Drucker
 

"Long only for what you have."

-- Andre Gide
 

"Make yourself necessary to somebody."

- Ralph Waldo Emerson
 

"They are eloquent who can speak low things acutely, and of great things with
dignity, and of moderate things with temper."

-- Marcus Tullius Cicero
 

"He who prays as he ought, will endeavor to live as he prays."

- - John Owen
 

I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts."

-- Will Rogers
 

"To see what is right and not do it, is want of courage..."

--Confucius

 

"Do you realize that Eve was the only woman who ever took a man's side?"

--Milton Berle

 

"Confidence imparts a wonderful insiration to its possessor."

- - John Milton
 

"Be always sure you're right, then go ahead."

-- Davy Crockett
 

"Hope is the word which God has written on the brow of every man."

- -Victor Hugo

 

"The greatest happiness in the world is to make others happy."

-- Luther Burbank
 

"This is the mission upon which Democracy came into the world. Democracy is an assertion of the right of the individual to live and to be treated jusly as against any attempt on the part of any combination of individuals to make laws which will over burden him or which will destroy his equality among his fellows in the matter of right or privilege; and I think we all realize that the day has come when Democracy is being put upon its final test... It is surely the manifest destiny of the United States to lead in the attempt to make this spirit prevail."

--Woodrow Wilson, Eighth Annual Message to Congress, December 7, 1920.

"The best doctors in the world are Doctor Diet, Doctor Quiet, and Doctor Merryman."

--Jonathan Swift, Polite Conversation
 

"Painting is poetry which is seen and not heard, and poetry is a painting which is heard and not seen."

--Leonardo Da Vinci
 

"If I can stop one heart from breaking, I shall not live in vain."

-- Emily Dickinson
 

"When you learn to live for others, they will live for you."

--Paramahansa Yoganda
 

"I am only one,but still I am one.I cannot do everything, but still
I can do something;and because I cannot do everything,I will not refuse to do something I can do."

--Edward Everett Hale; American Author, Clergyman

"Rolling Stones guitarist Keith Richards says he's scared to death of cell phones, that he consideres them dangerous. Amazing. Cell phones are dangerous, but black tar heroin is OK. "

-- Jay Leno

"Charity looks at the need, not at the cause."

- German proverb
 

"If you judge people, you have no time to love them."

- Mother Teresa
 

"Time is the most valuable thing a man can spend."

-- Laertius Diogenes
 

"Lost time is never found again."

-- Benjamin Franklin
 

As you know, we are no longer allowed to say "One nation under God." And today God said, "Hey, with all the sex, violence and greed in the news, I'm taking my name off the project anyway. I'm outta here – you're on your own!"

-- Jay Leno
 

"The biggest thing in today's sorrow is the memory of yesterday's joy."

-- Kahlil Gibran
 

"Everyone has a right to his own course of action."

-- Moliere
 

"If you always do what interests you, at least one person is pleased."

-- Katherine Hepburn's mother
 

"A Canadian psychologist is selling a video that teaches you how to test your dog's IQ. Here's how it works: If you spend $12.99 for the video, your dog is smarter than you."

-- Jay Leno

Liberty lies in the hearts of men and women; when it dies there, no
constitution, no law, no court can save it.

--Billings Learned Hand (1872-1961)
 

- Horace
 

"The greatest wealth is contentment with a little."

- Anon.

 

"Greed, like the love of comfort, is a kind of fear."

- Cyril Connolly
 

"The hardest thing is to take less when you can get more."

-- Kin Hubbard
 

"Charity begins at home, but should not stay there."

-- Thomas Fuller
 

"He that has no charity deserves no mercy."

-- English proverb
 

"With every rising of the sun, think of your life as just begun."

- Anon.

 

"There is only one way to have a happy marriage, and as soon as I learn what it is, I'll get married again."

--Clint Eastwood
 

"Oh my God--look at you. Anybody else hurt in the accident?"

--Don Rickles to Ernest Borgnine
 

"My grandmother is over 80 and still doesn't need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle."

--Henny Youngman
 

"President Clinton said he flew commercial flights four times last week to show America is safe. Sounds like someone's got a crush on a flight attendant.."

--Jay Leno
 

"I think that the film 'Clueless' was very deep. I think it was deep in the way that it was very light. I think lightness has to come from a very deep place if it'strue lightness."

--Alicia Silverstone
 

"The most difficult thing in the world is to know how to do a thing and towatch someone else do it wrong, without comment."

--Theodore H. White
 

"Friendship, like credit, is highest where it is not used."

-- Elbert Hubbard
 

"Be a friend to thyself, and others will be so too."

-- Thomas Fuller
 

"Al-Qaeda and Hamas are going to merge. The only person that knew
about this merger beforehand was Martha Stewart."

--David Letterman

 

"Britney Spears is now offering a new wireless service from her
Web site. For $19.95 per month she calls you up and gives you
updates on everything that is going on – well, actually, it's a
recording of her voice, so it's just like one of her concerts."

--Jay Leno

 

"For the first time in five years, street crime is up. Just on one
street, though – Wall Street!"

--Jay Leno

 

"All who would win joy, must share it; happiness was born a twin."

-- Lord Byron
 

"The happiness of your life depends upon the quality of your thoughts."

-- Marcus Aurelius
 

I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, "I'd like some fries."

The girl at the counter said, "Would you like some fries with that?"

--Jay Leno

 

"Reflect upon your present blessings, of which every man has plenty; not onyour past misfortunes of which all men have some."

--Charles Dickens
 

"Tomorrow's life is too late. Live today."

- Martial
 

"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."

-- Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady)
 

"I am doing just fine, considering that I have survivedNazism and two wives."

--Albert Einstein

 

"Enthusiasm is the most beautiful word on earth."

-- Christian Morgenstern

 

"Enthusiasm signifies God in us."

- -Madame de Stael
 

"Today the bull on Wall Street tested positive for mad cow disease!"

--Jay Leno

 

"Dreaming permits each and every one of us to be quietly and safely insane every night of our lives."

--William Dement
 

"Experts are saying there is a new chapter being written about the
stock market yeah,Chapter 11!"

--Jay Leno

"Without friends no one would choose to live, though he had all other
goods."

-- Aristotle
 

"Sadness flies away on the wings of time."

- Jean de La Fontaine
 

"Many of life's failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up."

--Thomas Edison
 

"If you want an accounting of your worth, count your friends."

- -Merry Browne
 

"I'm not making this up. A major cat-food maker is going to start a TV show for cats. It's called "Meow TV." As if your cat didn't do anything already, now it's going to sit around and watch TV. You know what this is going to lead to – kitty porn! "

-- Jay Leno

 

"I love these experts on TV. They keep saying that this is just a
paper loss. Too bad paper is what money is printed on. "

--Jay Leno

 

"The secret of getting ahead is getting started. The secret of getting startis breaking your complex over whelming tasks into small manageable tasks, and then starting on the first one."

--Mark Twain
 

"I took all my money out of the stock market last week, I was smart. But then over the weekend I bet it all on Tiger Woods."

--David Letterman
 

"In Miami today the two America West pilots who got drunk failed
to show up for their arraignment. I guess it was scheduled during
happy hour."

--Jay Leno

 

"True Happiness..arises,in the first place, from the enjoyment of one's self,and in the next from the friendship and conversation of a few select companions."

-- Joseph Addison

"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind
don't matter and those who matter don't mind."

--Dr. Suess

 

"You cannot always have happiness, but you can always give happiness."

-- Anon.
 

"Al-Qaeda is once again calling for the destruction of America. I got news for them: They can't ruin the American way of life – only Wall Street can do that! "

--Jay Leno
 

"Speaking of stocks, mine split today. You know what that means, a stock split? It means my stocks just split! They’re gone! I love these experts on TV. They keep saying that this is just a paper loss. Too bad paper is what money is printed on. "

--Jay Leno
 

"Never forget the power of silence, that massively disconcerting pause whichgoes on and on and may at last induce an opponent to babble and back track nervously."

-- Lance Morrow

"The best way to launch an Italian Restaurant is to have it raided because the Mafia eats there. Everybody knows they eat well"

-- Mario Puzo
 

"Some dog I got. We call him Egypt because every room he leaves a pyramid. His favorite bone is in my arm. Last night he went on the paper four times - three of those time I was reading it."

--Rodney Dangerfield
 

"Without friends no one would choose to live,
though he had all other goods."

-- Aristotle

"When it comes to the pinch, human beings are heroic."

-- George Orwell
 

"Wear a smile and have friends; wear a scowl and have wrinkles."

-- George Elliot
 

"True friendsip comes when silence between two people is comfortable."

-- Dave Tyson Gentry
 

"The past is a work of art, free of irrelevancies and loose ends."

-- Max Beerbohm
 

"The past is but the beginning of a beginning, and all that is and has
been is but the twilight of the dawn."

-- H. G. Wells
 

"Loving is half of believing."

-- Victor Hugo
 

"A man in New York City is suing McDonald's,Burger King,Wendy's and KFC,saying they have made him fat. He is also suing Victoria's Secret for making him play with himself."

-- Jay Leno

"President Bush was in South Dakota today.There was one awkward moment when he was at Mount Rushmore and he said,'Hey look,it’s those guys on the money!'"

--Conan O'Brien

"We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark; the real tragedy of life is when adults are afraid of the light."

--Plato

"There is nothing on this earth more to be prized than a true friend."

-- Saint Thomas Aquinas

 

"Man's best support is a very dear friend."

-- Cicero
 

"He who fights with monsters might take care lest he thereby become a
monster.And if you gaze for long into the abyss,the abyss gazes also into you."

--Nietzsche

"I am somebody. I am me. I like being me. And I need nobody to make me
somebody."

-- Louis L'Amour
 

"The bravest are the tenderest. The loving are the daring."

-- Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

"Those who do not want to imitate anything, produce nothing."

--Salvador Dali

"To accept what comes, regardless of the consequences, is to be unafraid."

-- John Cage

 

"The reason grandchildren and grandparents get along so well is because theyshare a common enemy."

--Sam Levenson
 

"We must say congratulations to Martha Stewart–last week she unloaded all her US Air stock."

--Jay Leno

"In Florida, a jewel thief stole a 16-inch 30-karat diamond necklace and swallowed it! He was arrested by police and the necklace was recovered after he passed it. The necklace was returned and is now up for auction on eBay. Right now the highest bid is $1.17."

-- David Letterman:

 

"The most persistent threat to freedom, to the rights of Americans, is fear."

--George Meany, American labor leader (1894-1980)
 

Rated G

"The Web brings people together because no matter what kind of a twisted sexual mutant you happen to be, you've got millions of pals out there. Type in 'Find people that have sex with goats
that are on fire' and the computer will ask, 'Specify type of goat.'"

-- Jason Alexander

"I'd love to help you out. Which way did you come in?"

--Groucho Marx

"There is no cure for birth or death save to enjoy the interval."

- - George Santayana
 

"All animals except man know that the ultimate of life is to enjoy it."

-- Samuel Butler

"I was such an ugly kid...when I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up."

--Rodney Dangerfield
 

"Tammie Faye Baker is now an advice columnist for a gay magazine. She's a good choice - gay guys see Tammie Faye and they feel they made the right decision."

--Jay Leno
 

"To persevere, trusting in what hopes he has, is courage in a man. The
coward despairs."

---Euripides
 

"If you do not find peace in yourself, you will not find it anywhere
else."

-- Paula A. Bendry
 

"The peace is won by accompanying God into the battle."

-- Eivind Josef Berggrav
 

The secret of all those who make discoveries is that they regard nothing as impossible."

--Justus Liebig
 

"Map out your future, but do it in pencil."

--Jon Bon Jovi
 

"There are so many things that are incredible about me. The most amazing is my humility."

--Will Smith
 

The key to success? Work hard, stay focused and marry a Kennedy."

--Arnold Schwarzenegger
 

"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many are
having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause
severe swelling. So what's the problem?"

---Dustin Hoffman

 

"When shit becomes valuable, the poor will be born without assholes."

--Henry Miller

"Cease to inquire what the future has in store, and take as a gift
whatever the day brings forth."

-- Horace
 

-- Isak Dinesen
 

"That which does not kill me makes me stronger."

- Frederick Nietzsche
 

"God brings men into deep waters not to drown them, but to cleanse them."

-- Aughey
 

"A winner is someone who recognizes his God-given talents, works his tail off to develop them into skills, and uses these skills to accomplish his goals."

--Larry Bird
 

"To enter life by way of the vagina is as good a way as any."

---Henry Miller (1891-1980)

 

"Patience is the best remedy for every trouble."

--Titus Maccius Plautus
 

"I was so naive as a kid. I used to sneak behind the barn
and do nothing."

--Johnny Carson

 

"Laughter and tears are both responses to frustration and exhaustion. I, myself, prefer to laugh since there is less cleaning up to do afterwards."

--Kurt Vonnegut, Jr

 

"I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody."

--Bill Cosby

"First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down."

--George Burns

 

"When you cannot pray as you would, pray as you can."

- Edward M. Goulburn
 

"Live so that your friends can defend you, but never have to."

-- Arnold Glasow
 

"I like women's dresses that are cut to see level."

--Henny Youngman

 

"They may forget what you said, but they will never forget how you made them feel."

--Carl W. Buechner
 

"Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first."

-- Ronald Reagan

 

"Where the willingness is great, the difficulties cannot be great."

-- Niccolo Machiavelli
 

"Winning isn't everything. Wanting to win is."

-- Catfish Hunter
 

"Bill Clinton is now saying that he is sorry that he did not get
Osama bin Laden – he is also sorry he didn’t get Catherine Zeta
Jones, Sharon Stone and the Dixie Chicks."

--Jay Leno

 

"The Russian space program has kicked out Lance Bass from their
training program for late payments. In his place the Russians are
going to send up a cargo box. In a related story N’Sync has also
replaced Lance Bass with a cargo box."

--Conan O' Brien
 

In business news AOL is under investigation for accounting practices. In a related story AOL has changed their online greeting from "You got mail” to "We’re in jail!”

I think AOL now stands for "Ask our lawyers.”

--Jay Leno
 

"Ballerinas are always on their toes. Why don't they just get taller ballerinas?"

-- Steven Wright

"The spectacle has changed, but our eyes remain the same."

-- Joseph Joubert
 

"A man's fortune must first change from within."

-- Chinese proverb

 

"According to a new study, 50% of Americans are not getting
enough exercise.... You know, we hear this all the time. You
want Americans to exercise more? ... Make the remote heavier.
That's the only way."

--Jay Leno

 

"In a recent interview, Steven Spielberg says he believes Americans would be willing to give up some of their rights if it means the government can do a better job of defending the country.... "As a result, the White House asked Spielberg to give up his right to make 'Jurassic Park 4.' "

--Conan O'Brien

 

"Be grateful for yourself...be thankful."

-- William Soroyan
 

"True terror is to wake up one morning and discover that your high
school class is running the country."

--Kurt Vonnegut

 

"The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy."

** Helen Hayes (at 73)
 

"A man's got to do what a man's got to do. A woman must do what he can't."

** Rhonda Hansome

 

"Without discipline, there's no life at all."

-- Katherine Hepburn

 

"No man is free who is not master of himself."

-- Epictetus
 

"Humor is always based on a modicum of truth. Have you ever
heard a joke about a father-in-law?"

--Dick Clark

 

"Provision for others is a fundamental responsibility of human life."

-- Woodrow Wilson
 

"What do we live for if not to make life less difficult for each other?"

-- George Eliot
 

"Every day, a bell rings, A city awakes, a workday begins, a market opens and the world gets down to business, all because every day a bell rings. Let freedom ring."

--former New York City Mayor Rudy Giuliani
 

"What I cannot love, I overlook."

-- Anais Nin
 

"Don't tell your friends their social faults; they will cure the fault and never forgive you."

-- Logan Pearsall Smith
 

Like water which can clearly mirror the sky and the trees only so long as its surface is undisturbed, the mind can only reflect the true image of theSelf when it is tranquil and wholly relaxed.

--Indra Devi
 

"Sometimes the best reason to get out of bed in the morning
is knowing that someday you will not have to get out of bed in the
morning."

--Alabama McLane----"It's A Wonderful Life"

 

"Every time I learn something new it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Like that time I took that home wine making course and forgot how to drive."

--Homer Simpson

 

"One has fear in front of a goat, in back of a mule, and on every side of a fool."

--Edgar Watson Howe
 

"Life is like a mirror and will reflect back to the thinker what he thinksinto it."

-- Ernest Holmes
 

"The worst loneliness is not to be comfortable with yourself."
-

- Mark Twain
 

"As soon as you trust yourself, you will know how to live."
-

- Johann von Goethe
 

To a driving instructor in Glasgow: 'It beats me how you manage to keep the locals off the booze long enough to pass the test.'

To the Prime Minister of Canada, who asked him how he was finding his visit: 'Well, I can think of better ways to have fun, you know.'

To a British aid worker in Bosnia: 'You can't be one of the locals, you haven't got a pot belly.'

To an official at a Hindu temple: 'Hmm... are you one of these Tamil Tiger chappies?'
 

"Never bend your head. Hold it high. Look the world straight in the eye."

-- Helen Keller
 

"The art of war is simple enough. Find out where your enemy is. Get at him as soon as you can. Strike him as hard as you can and as often as you can, and keep moving on."

--Ulysses S. Grant
 

"If a man wants his dreams to come true, he must wake up."

-- Anon.
 

"A wise man will make more opportunities than he finds."

-- Francis Bacon
 

"All happiness depends on a leisurely breakfast."

--John Gunther
 

"Friends are relatives you make for yourself."

-- Eustache Deschamps
 

"The only faith that wears well and holds its color in all weather is thatwhich is woven of conviction."

- James Russell Lowell
 

"There is only one life for each of us: our own."

-- Euripides
 

"Live as you will wish to have lived when you are dying."

-- Christian Furchtegott Gellert
 

"Facts are meaningless. You could use facts to prove anything that's even remotely true!"

--Homer Simpson
 

"Even if your on the right track. You'll get run over if you just sit there."

--Will Rogers
 

"Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing had happened."

--Winston Churchill

"Be good and you will be alone."

--Mark Twain
 

"Life is 10 percent what you make it and 90 percent how you take it."

--Ben Franklin
 

"You can no more win a war than you can win an earthquake."

--Jeannette Rankin (First woman Member of Congress)
 

"A German psychologist says that women talk more thanmen because they have a bigger vocabulary. But, itevens out because men only listen half the time."

--Jay Leno
 

"Guys, learn this: even if you're just living with a woman you're not even married to -- give up any thought of being involved in interior decoration of the place you're going to live in. All your beer stuff, your sports mirrors,put them in storage. I've been to Wayne Gretsky's house, he's got five MVP trophies, and you know where they are? They're in the garage."

--Denis Leary

 

"The brain is a wonderful organ. It starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office."

--Robert Frost
 

"There is nothing certain in a man's life but that he must lose it."

--- Owen Meredith
 

"You are all you will ever have for certain."

-- June Havoc
 

"He who walks in another's tracks leaves no footprints."

-- Joan L. Brannon
 

"Do not wish to be anything but what you are."

-- Saint Francis de Sales
 

"Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot."

--Groucho Marx

 

"The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house."

--Jeff Foxworthy

 

"You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, 'My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!'"

--Dave Barry

 

"When you rise in the morning, form a resolution to make the day a happy one for a fellow creature."

-- Sydney Smith

 

"Think that day lost whose descending sun, views from thy hand no noble action done."
-
- Joseph Joubert

 

"The present is the blocks with which we build."

-- Henry W. Longfellow
 

"We are here and it is now. Further than that, all knowledge is
moonshine."

-- H.L. Mencken
 

"After Mama gave birth to 12 of us kids, we put her up on a pedestal. It was mostly to keep Daddy away from her."

--Dolly Parton (submitted by Linc)
 

"We thought that we were selling the transportation of goods; in fact, we were selling peace of mind."

--Frederick W. Smith, Chairman, President, and CEO, FedEx Corp
 

"Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else."

--Will Rogers (1879 - 1935)
 

"People who never get carried away should be."

--Malcolm Forbes
 

"I was so poor growing up ... if I wasn't a boy ...I'd have nothing to play with. "

--Rodney Dangerfield
 

"Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips."

--Anonymous

"I hate small towns because once you have seen the cannon in the park there's nothing else to do."

--Lenny Bruce
 

"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."

--Dr. Suess
 

" According to archaeologists, for millions of years Neanderthal man was not fully erect. That's pretty easy to understand considering how ugly Neanderthal women were."

--Biker Lynn
 

"Why not go out on a limb--that's where all the fruit is!"

--Mark Twain
 

"The second day of a diet is always easier that the first. By the second day your off of it."

--Jackie Gleason
 

"No man is an island, entire of itself; every man is a piece of the continent, a part of the main. If a clod be washed away by the sea, Europe is the less, as well as if a promontory were, as well as if a manor of thy friend's or of thine own were. Any man's death diminishes me, because I am involved in mankind; and therefore, never send to know for whom the bell tolls; it tolls for thee."

--John Donne, Meditation 17

"The value of consistent prayer is not that He will hear us, but that wewill hear Him."

-- William McGill
 

"All things are possible until they are proved impossible--and even the impossible may only be so as of now."

-- Pearl S. Buck
 

"There is in the worst of fortune the best of changes for a happy change."

-- Euripedes

 

"Walk boldly and wisely... There is a hand above that will help you on."

- Philip James Bailey
 

"Without the assistance of the Divine Being...I cannot succeed. With that assistance, I cannot fail."

--Abraham Lincoln

 

"To cease smoking is the easiest thing I ever did. I ought to know, I've done it a thousand times."

--Mark Twain
 

"There will be sex after death, we just won't beable to feel it."

--Lily Tomlin
 

"It is better to keep your mouth shut and appear stupid than
to speak and remove all doubt."

--Anon.

 

"A friend is a present you give to yourself."

-- Robert Louis Stevenson

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"What is honored in a country will be cultivated there."

--Plato

"A friend is someone you can do nothing with, and enjoy it."

-- The Optimist
 

"I speak twelve languages. English is the bestest."

--Stefan Bergman

 

"A man's life is what his thoughts make it."

-- Marcus Aurelius
 

"To expect defeat is nine-tenths of defeat itself."

-- Francis Marion Crawford
 

FUN QUOTES

"I finally quit smoking by using the patch. I put six of them over my mouth."

"When I fly I always fly first class. Not the whole way butjust 'til they kick me out."

--Sue Bee
 

"People demand freedom of speech to make up for the freedom of thought which they avoid."

--Soren Aabye Kierkegaard
-1813-1855

 

"People are like stained-glass windows. They sparkle and shine when the sunis out, but when darkness sets in, their true beauty is revealed only if there is a light from within."

--Elisabeth Ross
 

"Genius is the ability to reduce the complicated to the simple."

-- C. W. Ceram
 

"The greatest truths are the simplest, and so are the greatest men."

-- Julius Charles Hare
 

"Enthusiasm signifies God in us."

--Madame de Stael
 

"Enthusiasm is the most beautiful word on earth."

-- Christian Morgenstern

 

"Self-image sets the boundaries of individual accomplishment."

-- Maxwell Maltz
 

"They can because they think they can."

-- Virgil
 

"This is not a dress rehearsal. This is it!"

-- Tom Cunningham
 

"Nowhere can man find a quieter or more untroubled retreat than in his own soul."

-- Marcus Aurelius
 

"Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods.Cats have never forgotten this."

--Anonymous

"The best advice I can give is to ignore advice. Life is too short to be distracted by the opinions of others."

--Russel Edson
 

"Circumstances are the rulers of the weak; they are but the instruments of the wise."

-- Samuel Lover
 

"Parents can only give good advice or put them on the right paths, but the final forming of a person's character lies in their own hands."

-- Anne Frank
 

"Without friends no one would choose to live, though he had all other
goods."

-- Aristotle

"There is no hope or joy except in human relations."

-- Antoine de Saint-Exupery
 

"The vision must be followed by the venture. It is not enough to stare up the steps - we must step up the stairs."

-- Vance Havner
 

"People are not going to love you unless you love them."

-- Pat Carroll

"It was reported that a woman is suing the chairman of Weight Watchers for sexual harassment. As a result, the chairman of Weight Watchers could lose up to $1 million in just 30 days."

---Conan O'Brien

 

"The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams."

-- Eleanor Roosevelt

 

"Grow old along with me! The best is yet to be."

-- Robert Browning
 

"Sadness flies away on the wings of time."

-- Jean de La Fontaine
 

"This, too, shall pass."

-- Shakespeare
 

"Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have
come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first."

-- Ronald Reagan

 

"The happiness of your life depends upon the quality of your thoughts."

-- Marcus Aurelius
 

"All who would win joy, must share it; happiness was born a twin."

-- Lord Byron
 

"Genius is the ability to reduce the complicated to the simple."

- C. W. Ceram
 

"The greatest truths are the simplest, and so are the greatest men."

-- Julius Charles Hare
 

"Relying on God has to begin all over again every day as if nothing had yet been done."

-- C.S. Lewis
 

"Self-image sets the boundaries of individual accomplishment."

-- Maxwell Maltz
 

"My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy;if not,you'll become a philosopher."

-- Socrates (470-399 B.C.)

"Do not protect yourself with a fence, but rather by your friends."

-- Czech Proverb
 

"When one friend washes another, both become clean."

-- Dutch Proverb
 

"From time to time, the tree of liberty must be watered with the blood of tyrants and patriots."

----- Thomas Jefferson
 

"I keep a simple view of living. It is, keep your eyes open and get on
with it."

-- Sir Laurence Olivier
 

"You cannot always have happiness, but you can always give happiness."

-- Anon.

 

"To give and then not feel that one has given is the very best of all the ways of giving."

-- Max Beerbohm
 

"Wear a smile and have friends; wear a scowl and have wrinkles."

- George Elliot
 

"True friendsip comes when silence between two people is comfortable."

-- Dave Tyson Gentry
 

"When I die, I want to be buried in Chicago so I can still be active in politics."

-NY Representative Charlie Rangel
 

"When they call the roll in the Senate, the Senators do not know
whether to answer 'Present' or 'Not guilty'."

-~Theodore Roosevelt

 

"I am still learning."

--Michelangelo at age 87, having accomplished the Sistine Chapel, the Pieta, and David, among others.

 

"What a grand thing, to be loved!
What a grander thing still, to love!"

- Victor Hugo -
 

One word frees us of all the weight and pain of life:
that word is love.

- Sophocles -
 

"God has entrusted me with myself."

-- Epictetus
 

"I am the master of my fate; I am the captain of my soul."

-- William Ernest Henley
 

"Prayer puts God's work in His hands--and keeps it there."

-- E. M. Bounds
 

"Pray not for lighter burdens, but for stronger backs."

-- Theodore Roosevelt
 

"When it comes to the pinch, human beings are heroic."

-- George Orwell
 

"We have what we seek. It is there all the time, and if we give it time,it will make itself known to us."

-- Thomas Merton
 

"The things that come to those who wait are usually the things
left over by those who got there first."

--Anonymous

"If you want an accounting of your worth, count your friends."

-- Merry Browne
 

"The American people are very generous people and will forgive almost any weakness, with the possible exception of stupidity."

--Will Rogers (1879-1935)
 

"Natives who beat drums to drive off evil spirits are objects of scorn to smart Americans who blow horns to break up traffic jams."

--Mary Ellen Kelly

 

"Whatever you are, be a good one."

--Abraham Lincoln (1809-1865)
 

"People who fight fire with fire usually end up with ashes."

--Abigail Van Buren
 

"If you want a place in the sun youve got to put up with a few blisters "

--Abigail Van Buren

 

"I have every sympathy with the American who was so horrified by what he has read of the effects of smoking that he gave up reading."

--Lord Conesford
 

"The Declaration of Independence - of the 13 United States of America We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of Happiness. That to secure these rights, Governments are instituted among Men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed. That whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new Government, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as them shall seem most likely to effect their Safety and Happiness."

--Declaration of Independence
 

"Let the word go forth from this time and place, to friend and foe alike, that the torch has been passed to a new generation of Americans born in this century, tempered by war, disciplined by a hard and bitter peace."

--John Fitzgerald Kennedy
 

"Perhaps this is our strange and haunting paradox here in America -- that we are fixed and certain only when we are in movement."

--Thomas Wolfe You Can't Go Home Again
 

"America has never been united by blood or birth or soil. We are bound by ideals that move us beyond our backgrounds, lift us above our interests and teach us what it means to be citizens. Every child must be taught these principles. Every citizen must uphold them. And every immigrant, by embracing these ideals, makes our country more, not less, American."

--George W. Bush
 

"Drugs have taught an entire generation of American kids the metric system."

--P. J. O'Rourke
 

"We're going to have the best-educated American people in the world."

--Dan Quayle

 

"The best index to a person's character is how he treats people who can't do him any good, and how he treats people who can't fight back."

--Abigail Van Buren
 

"I love America more than any other country in this world, and, exactly for this reason, I insist on the right to criticize her perpetually."

--James Baldwin Notes of a Native Son
 

"Ninety eight percent of the adults in this country are decent, hardworking, honest Americans. It's the other lousy two percent that get all the publicity. But then, we elected them."

--Lily Tomlin
 

"I hope I don't sound like an old-fashioned stick-in-the-mud,but when I hear about people making vast fortunes without doing any productive work or contributing anything to society, my reaction is: 'How can I get in on that?'"

--Dave Barry

 

"You, the Spirit of the Settlement! ... Not understand that America is God's crucible, the great melting-pot where all the races of Europe are melting and re-forming! Here, you stand, good folk, think I, when I see them at Ellis Island, here you stand in your fifty groups, with your fifty languages and histories, and your fifty blood hatreds and rivalries..."

--Israel Zangwill - The Melting Pot
 

"The American people are tired of liars and people who pretend to be something they're not."

--Hillary Clinton (1992 60 Minutes interview)
 

"In films murders are always very clean. I show how difficult it is and what a messy thing it is to kill a man."

--Alfred Hitchcock (1899 - 1980)
 

"Every man dies. Not every man really lives."

--William Wallace From the movie Braveheart
 

"Logic is the beginning of wisdom; not the end."

--Spock Star Trek VI Final Frontier
 

"I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to." --

--Elvis Presley (1935-1977)

 

"I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody."

--Bill Cosby
 

"Hanging is too good for a man who makes puns; he should be drawn and quoted."

--Fred Allen

 

"If you are ashamed to stand by your colors, you had better seek another flag."

--Anonymous
 

"It is better to deserve honors and not have them than to have them and not deserve them."

--Mark Twain (Samuel Clemens)
 

"I've lived a long life and seen a lot of hard times...most of which never happened."

--Mark Twain
 

"Reflect upon your present blessings, of which every man has many - not on your past misfortunes, of which all men have some."

--Charles Dickens
 

"Politics gives guys so much power that they tend to behave badly around women. And I hope I never get into that."

--William J. Clinton - Bill Clinton

 

"You teach me baseball and I'll teach you relativity...No we must not You will learn about relativity faster than I learn baseball."

--Albert Einstein
 

"Don't be afraid to give your best to what seemingly are small jobs. Ever time you conquer one it makes you that much stronger. If you do the little jobs well, the big ones tend to take care of themselves."

--Dale Carnegie
 

"Formerly, when religion was strong and science weak, men mistook magic for medicine; now, when science is strong and religion weak, men mistake medicine for magic."

--Thomas Szasz, M.D.

 

"After all, all he did was string together a lot of old, well-known quotations."

--Henry Louis Mencken, on Shakespeare
 

"Dignity does not consist in possessing honors, but in deserving them."

--Aristotle
 

"The United States remains the last best hope for a mankind plagued by tyranny and deprivation. America is no stronger than its people - and that means you and me. Well, I believe in you, and I believe that if we work together then one day we will say, ``We fought the good fight. We finished the race We kept the faith.'' And to our children and our children's children we can say, ``We did all that could be done in the brief time that was given to us here on earth."

--Ronald Reagan

 

"I know the answer! The answer lies within the heart of all mankind! The answer is twelve? I think I'm in the wrong building."

--Charles Schulz
 

"A man is not completely born until he is dead."

--Benjamin Franklin
 

"A sense of humor is the lubricant of life's machinery."

--Unknown
 

"A well-developed sense of humor is the pole that adds balance to your step as you walk the tightrope of life."

--William Arthur Ward
 

"A man to carry on a successful business must have imagination. He must see things as in a vision, a dream of the whole thing."

--Charles M Schwab American stockbroker
 

"The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched. They must be felt with the heart."

--Helen Keller
 

"The ideals that have lighted my way and time after time have give me new courage to face life cheerfully, have been Kindness, Beauty and Truth."

--Albert Einstein
 

Rated G Doctor Doctor V

Doctor, Doctor I keep seeing an insect spinning around.
Don't worry, it's just a bug that's going around !

Doctor, how do I stop my nose from running ?!
Stick your foot out and trip it up !

Doctor, Doctor I've got bad teeth, foul breath and smelly feet.
Sounds like you've got Foot and Mouth disease !

Doctor, Doctor I think I'm turning into a frog
Your just playing too much croquet !

Doctor: You need new glasses
Patient: How do you know ?, I haven't told you whats wrong with me yet
Doctor: I could tell as soon as you walked in through the window !

Doctor Doctor I'm so ugly what can I do about it ?
Hire yourself out for Halloween parties !

Doctor, Doctor I'm having trouble with my breathing.
I'll give you something that will soon put a stop to that !

Doctor, Doctor I tend to flush a lot.
Don't worry it's just a chain reaction !

Doctor, Doctor everyone thinks I'm a liar
Well I can't believe that !

Doctor, Doctor my baby is the image of his father
Never mind just so long as he's healthy !

 

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Quotes you can Quote.