Excerpted from the book, "Masquerade: The Amazing Camouflage Deceptions of World War II," by Seymour Reit; Signet, 1980.

Another enemy decoy, built in occupied Holland, led to a tale that has been told and retold ever since by veteran Allied pilots.

The German "airfield," constructed with meticulous care, was made almost entirely of wood. There were wooden hangars, oil tanks, gun emplacements, trucks, and aircraft.

The Germans took so long in building their wooden decoy that Allied photo experts had more than enough time to observe and report it.

The day finally came when the decoy was finished, down to the last wooden plank.

Early the following morning, a lone RAF plane crossed the Channel, came in low, circled the field once, and dropped a large wooden bomb.
 

At a Law Fraternity election meeting in a basement Moot Court room at GWU Law School, the President opened the floor for nominations for President.

As one of the members was standing up he said "I nominate (bumped his head on an overhead pipe) Jesus Christ".

Someone immediately responded "I second the nomination".

 

The first mate on a ship decided to celebrate an occasion with a "little" stowed away rum.

Unfortnately he got drunk and was still drunk the next morning.

The captain saw him drunk and when the first mate was sober, showed him the following entry in the ship's log:

"The first mate was drunk today."

"Captain please don't let that stay in the log", the mate said. "This could add months or years to my becoming a captain myself."

"Is it true?" asked the captain, already knowing the answer.

"Yes, its true" the mate said.

"Then if it is true it has to go in the log. That's the rule. If its true it goes into the log, end of discussion" said the captain sternly.

Weeks later, it was the first mate's turn to make the log entries. The first mate wrote: "The ship seems in good shape. The captain was sober today."
 

Spontaneous reaction.

Out to dinner one evening with our friends when the waiter brought the order to the booth directly behind us.

The patrons has ordered a dish that was flamed at the table.

The dish evidently had a little too much liquor and when the waiter lit it exploded into a huge flame, startling us all.

Our bald male friend, who was sitting closest to the flame, immediately rubbed his head, turned and said to the waiter," Gee, I had a full head of hair when I came in here !"
 

Rated G

A Charlotte, NC lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, theninsured them against fire among other things Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires."

The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason: that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.

The lawyer sued -- and won!

In delivering the ruling the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless,that the lawyer held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be "unacceptable fire," and was obligated to pay the claim.

Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance
company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the rare cigars lost in the "fires."

NOW FOR THE BEST PART ...

After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of arson! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000.00 fine.

 

My father always loved fast cars.

Taking advantage of the empty roads one morning, he accelerated down a wide-open stretch. Unfortunately, a young police officer was waiting at the other end, and Dad was flagged down.

He greeted the officer with a cheery "Good morning."

"And a good morning to you, Wing Commander," replied the officer. "Having trouble taking off?"
 

I was changing my little girls diaper when my 4 yr old son asked where her pee-pee was.

I explained that she didn't have one because she was a girl.

He stated oh,okay and walked away.I thought I got off easy until
later that evening when he was in the bathroom with his dad and said that since he was a boy, he had a pee-pee.

My husband agreed with him,and he said that mommy was a girl, so she didn't have a pee-pee.

My husband agreed again, and my little boy said that his sister was a
girl,so she didn't have a pee-pee either.

My husband again agreed.

My little boy,looking perplexed,then with a smile said well,then we have to go to the store and buy them a pee-pee.

While working as a bartender in a restaurant I ran out of lemons and asked the waitress to get me some lemons from the walk in fridge.

She immediately came back with a grin on her face and said they are not ready yet, they are still limes.
 

A New Jersey State Trooper was allowed to keep his Cruiser parked outside of his house. One night while he was in the shower his wife began banging on the bathroom door yelling that some car thieves were breaking into the cruiser!

The Trooper hastily dashed out of the shower, threw on his pants and ran outside with his service revolver drawn only to see three youths driving off with the cruiser.

When he called his Sergeant to report the theft he was asked "Did you get a good look at the perpetrators"? His answer, "No, but I got the license number"!
 

I was commuting from the Borough of The Bronx to my job in Manhattan. I'd finished reading the morning paper and was saving it to bring to friends on the job. How do you save a newspaper on the subway? You sit on it.

A new commuter came in, saw the newspaper under my rear end and asked the stupidest question I've ever heard, "Are you reading that paper?"

I stood up, turned the page, sat right back down on the paper and answered, "Yes."

Shortly after sounds of a scuffle from the floor above, the inhabitant of that flat knocked on my colleague's door, complaining that teenage yobs had burgled her flat. 'The wee bastards,' she exclaimed, 'they took my telly, my video and sprayed graffiti all over the walls. And then do you know what the wee bastards did? They shat in my stew... and I had to throw half of it away!'

We had, a female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked "So Bob, where's that 6 inches you promised me last night?"

Not only did he have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard.
 

My 10 year son and I went to the restroom at a movie theater just before the movie started.

There were 5 urinals there and a line had formed up so we had to wait
our turn. When we got to the front of the line, two of the urinals became available. One was a short one for little kids and the other was at a normal height for adults. My son rushed to the higher urinal and left me to use the smaller one.

I didn't want to make a fuss with everybody there so I just let him go.

In the middle of relieving ourselves, my son looks to me and
says "mine's bigger than yours."

Everybody there got a good laugh out of it.
 

I was waiting in the reception room of a new dentist in town when I noticed the name on his dental graduation certificate was the same as the best looking guy in my graduating class of 1951.

When I finally got in and saw this balding, gray-haired man I realized he was too old to have been my classmate.

After he had examined my teeth I asked him if he attended the local high school.

"Yes" he replied.

"When did you graduate? I asked.

He answered, "The class of '51."

"Why, you were in my class!" I exclaimed.

He looked at me very closely and asked, "What did you teach?"

 

I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved.

She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my fiveyear-old shout from the back seat,

"Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!"

One weekend my wife and I visited a shop in Maine. Arriving home, we realized we'd left our camera in the store. We returned a few weeks later, and sure enough, the clerk had the camera.

When we developed the film, two extra photos turned up. One was of a man standing outside the store holding a hand-lettered sign that simply stated, >> I Found Your Camera.<<

The second showed another gentleman with a sign:
>> I Took His Picture <<
 

My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he'd dropped his toothbrush in the toilet.

So I fished it out and threw it in the garbage.

Zachary stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my bathroom and came out with my toothbrush.

He held it up and said with a charming little smile, "We better throw this one out too then, 'cause it fell in the toilet a few days ago.

I was working in the Visitor Control Center at Andersen Air Force Base Guam, when a man in civilian clothes approached a fellow airman and requested a vehicle pass.
The airman, fresh out of technical training, asked to see his military ID, driver's license and his vehicle registration.

Noticing the letters BG on the man's identification, the new airman asked, "What's BG stand for -- Big Guy?"

"Close," the man replied, leaning over the counter. "Try Brigadier General."
 

Robert Steinfeld, Irving, Texas
 

No more Polish jokes

I was in Poland riding through the country in a taxi. There were cows grazing right by the side of the road with no fences, and the driver was going about 70 mph. I said, 'In the U.S., they have to keep the cows behind a fence. Don't you have problems with cows walking onto the road?' He replied, 'Our cows are not stupid."

-- Kyle Reid, Naperville, Illinois
 

I am a very nervous flyer. During a trip from California to Indiana, it didn't help that my connecting flight from Denver was delayed twice because of mechanical problems. Then, after we were aloft, I noticed the lights began flickering.

I mentioned this to a flight attendant. "I'll take care of it," she said. Moments later the lights went out. Clearly she had solved the problem by turning off all the lights.

A passenger across the aisle who had been watching me leaned over and said, "Whatever you do, please don't ask about the engines."

--A. Bell (California Lurker)

 

My friend read her son's horoscope and thought it was quite appropriate. "You've spent the last few weeks looking for escape," it said. "But now it's time to get on with your life."

She had just given birth to him that morning.

--Anonymous Lurker
 

The other day I was in the local Auto store.

A lady comes in and asks for a seven ten cap.

We all looked at each other and said, " What's a seven ten cap?"

She said, "You know. It's right on the engine. Mine got lost some how, and I need a new one."

"What kinda car is it?", they asked. Now , I'm thinking maybe an old Datsun Seven ten.

" NO", she said, "It's a Buick. "

"OK, lady, how big is it?" She makes a circle with her hands about 3 1/2 inches in diameter.

What does it do? "we asked.

She said, " I don't know, but its always been there."One of us gave her a note pad and asked her if she could draw a picture of it. So, she makes a circle about 3 1/2 inches in diameter and, in the center she writes 710.

The guys behind the counter are looking at it upside down, as she writes it, and they just fall down behind the counter laughing so hard.

One guy said, I think you want an oil cap.

She said, "Seven ten cap......Oil cap......I don't care what you call it, I just need one, and I don't see what is so damn funny about it!"

Read 710 upside down. I wonder what color hair she had
 

How Hot Is It In Hell?(a true story)

A thermodynamics professor had written a take home exam for his graduate students.

It had one question: "Is Hell exothermic(gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Support your answer with a proof."

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So, we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving.

I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave.

Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to Hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.

Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1). If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2). Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperatureand pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Therese Banyan during my Freshman year, "That it will be a cold night in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then #2 cannot be true, and so Hell is exothermic.

The student got the only A.
 

Bill was a frequent user of a pay telephone at a popular truck stop, and was greatly inconvenienced when the phone went out of commission.

Repeated requests for repair brought only promises.

After several days, Bill again contacted the phone company and told that there was no longer a rush.

The phone was now working fine... except that all money was being returned upon completion of each call.

A repairman arrived within the hour!
 

Radio Broadcast Circa 1939

"Here comes the royal family now.

The automobile has stopped. "Oh, there's the King.

He's stepping out, followed by Her Magesty Queen Elizabeth, nattily attired in a silver coat.

Mr. King is now shaking hands with the King and introducing Mr. Queen to the King and Queen and then Mrs. Queen to the Queen and King.

"They are now proceeding up the steps to the well-decorated city hall, the King and Mr. King together with the Queen being escorted by Mrs. Queen.

The King has now stopped and said something to Mrs. Queen and goes to Mrs.Queen and the Queen and Mr. King and the Queen laughed jovially.

"The King leaves Mr. King and goes to Mrs. Queen and the Queen and Mr.King follow behind..."

A transcript printed by the Winnipeg Free Press, April 6, 2002 concerning the 1939 visit to Winnipeg, Canada by the King and Queen Mum-" the first by a reigning monarch to the Dominion"-as covered by CBC broadcasters.

The royals were escorted by Prime Minister Mackenzie King to a formal reception hosted for them by Winnipeg Mayor John Queen.

Submitted by: D. Joseph Creighton
Apr. 9, 2002
 

As a crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is shattered by a 5-year-old boy who picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum. No matter what his
frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him.

Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, an elderly man in the uniform of an Air Force General is seen slowly walking forward up the aisle. Stopping the flustered mother with an upraised hand, the white-haired, courtly, soft-spoken General leans down and, motioning toward his chest, whispers something into the boy's ear.

Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother's hand, and quietly fastens his seat belt. All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause.

As the General slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the cabin attendants touches his sleeve. "Excuse me, General," she asks quietly, "but could I ask you
what magic words you used on that little boy?"

The old man smiles serenely and gently confides, "I showed him my pilot's wings, service stars, and battle ribbons... and explained that they entitle me to throw
one passenger out the plane door on any flight I choose."
 

It was 6 p.m., and I was about to leave the coin laundry where I was employed.

My boss called me over and asked if I would mind dropping off someone's laundry on my way home. "It's for my cousin," she apologized, "who's eight months pregnant and can't get out much anymore." I cheerfully agreed and, driving to the address, knocked
at the door. A little girl, the sister-to-be, answered.

"Hi, there," I said with a big smile. "Is your mommy home?" Holding up the white bundle of clothes, I explained, "I have a delivery for her."

The child's mouth dropped, and her eyes went wide. "Mom!" She shrieked, "come quick! It's the stork!"
 

As we stood in formation at the Pensacola Naval Air Station, our Flight Instructor said, "All right! All you damn dummies fall out!"

As the rest of the squad wandered away, I remained at attention.

The Instructor walked over until he was eye-to-eye with me, and then just raised a single eyebrow.

I smiled and said, "Sure was a lot of 'em, huh sir!"

A woman was taking her 3-year-old granddaughter to the fish market.

On the way there, the girl says "Grandma, we're going the wrong way. The fish store is the other way."

Now understand this woman had been going to the same market for years, so naturally she ignored the remark.

A few minutes later, the little girl says "Grandma, I'm sure this is the wrong way to the fish store. We're not supposed to pass Macy's."

So the woman explains that she's been going to this market for many years and she knows where she's going.

Finally, they get there. The little girl looks around, eyes wide, and gasps out "Oh, Grandma! This is the DEAD fish store!"

EVERYONE there just stared at them...
 

Here is my most embarassing moment as a parent.

I am a mother of two girls, and when my first one was 13, I decided that I would tell her about the facts of life.

I went through everything I could even fathom.

Well, I am an apartment manager, and one weekend my parents(whom my dad is a baptist preacher) came to visit. My parents and I took the girls out to the pool at the apartments (of which the pool was full of residents) to swim.

We were sitting at a table talking when my daughter pops up out of the middle of the pool and yells "MOM? "

I answered "Yes dear" and she yelled "What's masturbation?"

OMG I thought I would die!
 

Two elderly women were trying on shoes in our store.

When I slipped a shoe onto one woman's foot, the end of my tie got caught beneath her heel.

Unaware of my predicament, she stood up and started toward the mirror.

For a few seconds,I found myself crawling along the floor beside her, trying to get her attention.

"Look, Martha," her friend said. "he wants to go home with you!"
 

I Love Mustard

If you have children you will probably relate to this father...

As ham sandwiches go, it was perfection. A thick slab of ham, a fresh bun, crisp lettuce and plenty of expensive, light brown, gourmet mustard.

The corners of my jaw aching in anticipation, I carried it to the table in our backyard, picked it up with both hands but was stopped by my wife suddenly at my side. "Hold Johnny (our six-week-old son) while I get my sandwich," she said.

I had him balanced between my left elbow and shoulder and was reaching again for the ham sandwich when I noticed a streak of mustard on my fingers.

I love mustard.

I had no napkin.

I licked it off.

It was not mustard.

No man ever put a baby down faster. It was the first and only time I have sprinted with my tongue protruding. With a washcloth in each hand I did the sort of routine shoeshine boys do, only I did it on my tongue.

Later (after she stopped crying from laughing so hard) my wife said, "Now you know why they call that mustard "Poupon.'"
 

In a restaurant in Maine the waitress was serving a table next to us. As she bent over, a dish of food slipped off her arm and flopped upside down on the table covering one of the customers laps.

After the clean up and apologies she came to take our order. She opened with "What can I throw at you folks today?"
 

I work for a well known Seafood Restaurant, One of my co-workers asked me to bring a tray of food to a table for her.

I brought the tray to the table and asked who had what.

The man looked up at me and in a very loud voice said I have the steak and my wife here has crabs.

The whole place started laughing along with myself that I almost dropped the tray.

 

I was explaining to my 3 year old daughter the importance of not using the Lord's name in vain.

"Instead," I told her, "say 'goodness' or gosh.'"

One evening as I walked past her room, I heard her talking. I paused and looked in to see her looking at the ceiling, and I heard her say, "What did you say?"

I said, "Honey, who are you talking to?"

She looked at me as if she was afraid to answer.

I said, "It's okay, honey. You can tell me who you're talking to."

She very quietly replied, "Goodness and Gosh!"
 

True story from the book "Cabin Pressure" by Liz Harwell and Corylee Spiro Copyright 1989 St. Martins Press

When you're on "reserve" with an airline, you fly when they tell you to fly. Being unable to be contacted is a lesser offense than refusing or missing an assigned trip.

This captain gets an "A" for his creativity in avoiding an assignment. When crew scheduling woke him up at 3 A.M. to assign him to a 5 A.M. departure, he passed the phone to his wife and said in a voice loud enough for them to hear on the other end, "Here, darling, I think it's someone calling for your husband."

Crew scheduling omitted the usual question and answer period.
 

"Daddy, where did I come from?" the seven-year-old asked.

It was a moment for which her parents had carefully prepared. They took her into the living room, got out the encyclopedia and several other books, and explained all they thought she should know about sexual attraction, affection, love, and reproductions.

Then they both sat back and smiled contentedly.

"Does that answer your question?" her father asked.

"Not really," the little girl said. "Marcia said she came from Detroit. I want to know where I came from."
 

I have a very outgoing 5 year old daughter. She tell's it like it is, all the time. One day she was drawing picture's of her family, mommy, daddy, brother and sister.

We asked her, " Where is grandma's picture?". To which she replied, " I can't draw grandma, I don't know how to draw wrinkles."
 

This is a true story. When my friend Julie's son got engaged to a young lady who is hearing impaired, Julie wanted to learn how to sign so she could communicate a few phrases to the girl's parents, who were also deaf, and who were joining Julie and her husband for dinner to get acquainted. Her son was quite proficient by now in
sign language, so he managed to teach Julie to sign a few words.

At the dinner, Julie was quite animated. She and the girl's parents exchanged pleasantries through sign language, and the young couple beamed approvingly at their respective parents. The waiter brought salads and set them down by the dinner plates. Then Julie signed, "I'm hungry, aren't you?" The girl's parents' expressions suddenly changed from polite smiles to horrified glances at one another.

Later, Julie's son explained to his very embarrassed mother, that obviously due to her inexperience with sign language, instead of conveying the message, "I'm hungry, aren't you?", what came out instead was, "I'm horny, aren't you?"
 

The chef at a family-run restaurant had broken her leg
and came into our insurance office to file a disability
claim.

As I scanned the claim form, I did a double take. Under
"Reason unable to work," she wrote: "Can't stand to
cook."

When my husband, Mark, took his beat-up pickup truck to our insurance agent for a pre-insurance inspection, the teen-age receptionist was sent to look over the truck. Armed with a checklist and a few simple questions, she breezed through the chore. When she asked, "What are
the age and make of the vehicle?"

Mark replied, "It's a '65 Ford." Apologetic about its desperate condition, he added, "It's an old fossil."

Inside, the office assistant entered the data into her computer and frowned.

"Is there a problem?" asked Mark.

"Mr. Evans, I've been in insurance a while," she explained,"but I've never heard of a Ford Fossil."

When my wife's sister, Patty, was very young, she was allowed to have her best friend, a boy named Rory, over to spend the night. As the children grew toward adolescence, their parents knew that someday the sleep overs would have to end.

One night, when Rory and his family were visiting, everyone gathered around the television to watch the Miss America pageant. When Patty asked if Rory could stay over, the parents hesitated, wondering if the time had finally come to discontinue the tradition. At that
moment, the pageant host announced a contestant's measurements: 36-22-36.

"Rory," his mom asked, "what are those numbers?"

The boy thought for only a moment before responding, "Ninety-four?"

Rory got to spend the night.

On a busy Friday night at the restaurant where I'd recently started waiting tables, the owner suddenly emerged from the kitchen and handed me money. "We're in trouble!" He said. "We're out of quarters, and customers are waiting. Go next door and get me $40 worth."

I ran to the supermarket next door, but a cashier said she wasn't allowed to give out that many quarters. Determined, I sprinted to a convenience store two blocks away, but it was closed. At a gas station farther down the road, the clerk took pity and gave me
the four rolls of quarters.

Twenty minutes after I'd left, I handed the coin rolls to my boss.

"Where are the quarters?" He asked.

"Right here," I said breathlessly.

His face sank. "I meant chicken quarters."

My son was attending a lab class at Cobleskill SUNY where he was taking a pre-veterinarinary course. There were about 160 students in the auditorium.

The professor was discussing the reproductive internals of a cow and was describing the womb and the cervix.

My son raised his hand and was recognized by the professor. He stood up and said,"Now I know what my father has been talking about for so many years. He is a traveling salesman and stays in hotels most of the week. He is always speaking of womb cervix at the hotel".

The class was only in the first 10 minutes of the lecture. The entire audience was in an uproar as was the professor.

The professor canceled the rest of the lecture because he could not contain the audience. He asked my son to stay after all others had left. The professor said to my son,"That was very funny and I could not stop laughing to conduct the rest of the lecture so I canceled it.

Please make those kinds of remarks at the end of a lecture from here on in."

I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle looked like an extra in the film "Twister."

I asked the manager what had happened and he told me that the driver had set the "cruise control" and then went in the back to make a sandwich.

This was when my son was just about three...now he is 26 and I assume he knows more!

One day he came to me with a puzzled look and said, "Ma, I came from your stomach, right?"

I thought, oh god, here goes, and said, "yes".

The next question was this ..."Then how come grandma says that I have got Daddy's eyes?"
 

A police officer had a perfect hiding place for watching for speeders. But one day, everyone was under the speed limit, the officer found the problem: a 10 year old boy was standing on the side of the road with a huge hand painted sign which said "RADAR TRAP AHEAD."

A little more investigative work led the officer to the boy's accomplice, another boy about 100 yards beyond the radar trap with a sign reading "TIPS" and a bucket at his feet, full of change.
 

Seems that a year ago, some Boeing employees on the field decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of the plant and home.

When they took it for a float on the Stilliguamish River, they were quite surprised by a coast guard helicopter that was homing in on the emergency locator that is activated when the raft is inflated.

They are no longer employed at Boeing.
 

One night during a snowstorm my father was bringing me home. Along the way he suddenly had to stop because two people were walking far out on the road. Instead of getting off the road, they just stayed where they were and my father was forced to go on the other side of the road to go around them.

He was upset about the two people staying on the road and muttered to himself, "pedestrians, they're supposed to have right of way, not right in the way."
 

Rated G

Received from: Chrissy RN

Real Life story,

I am a nurse and I worked a double shift. I was totally exhausted and not able to focus properly. My friend begged me to go to the mall to buy her boyfriend a present. I said, 'Ok if you could drive me home, I can't drive ---I am too tired.'

She agreed and off to the mall we went.

When we entered a sports store, I noticed a nice tent with a nice cot inside it.

Slowly I entered it, zippered it and got comfortable on the cot.

I awoke and it was dark. I didn't know where I was. I then realized I fell asleep in the tent. I opened the tent in fear and to my surprise the store was dark with only exit signs lit.

I ran to a desk and found a phone and called an operator informing them I needed help I was locked in the mall. I was then connected to the police department which had to contact the mall security.

Police men and security came opened the doors to the store and I stood there hysterical laughing. The cops thought I was drunk because I was walking in a staggered mannerism, due to fatigue.

Also, they wanted to know why I was wearing PJ'S? I informed them they were scrubs and I just got done working a double shift.

After numerous phone calls to see if my story was valid they called my friend to have her pick me up.

When she showed up she said, 'I looked all over for you and thought you took a taxi home.' Hysterically laughing we left the mall.

Two days later when I went back to work, I was called into the medical conference room. When I entered, thedoctors and nurses had gifts for me. An alarm clock,
sheets,and a blue rolled up foam cushion I could sleep
on.

I said to them what is this for and they said 'For the next time you fall asleep in the mall.'

My nickname became known as 'THE MALL SLEEPING NURSE'

I worked for a while at a Wal-Mart store, selling sporting goods. As an employee of Wal-Mart you are sometimes required to make store-wide pages, e.g., "I have a customer in hardware who needs assistance at the paint counter."

One night a tentative female voice came over the intercom system with the following message: "I have a customer by the balls in the toy department who needs
assistance."

 

With her brown eyes and curly hair, our youngest daughter takes after my husband. At three, she was a lively, mischievous girl, and people often remarked on how cute she was.

One day I was standing with her in the supermarket when a woman commented on how cute she was.

My smile disappeared when she asked, "Is she really yours?"

"In this job we need someone who is responsible," said the employer.

"Then I'm your man," answered the potential employee.

"On my last job, every time anything went wrong, they said I was responsible."

My older son loves school, but his younger brother absolutely hates it. One weekend he cried and fretted and tried every excuse not to go back on Monday.
Sunday morning on the way home from church, the crying and whining built to a crescendo. At the end of my rope, I finally stopped the car and explained, "Honey,it's the law. If you don't go to school, they'll put Mommy in jail."

He looked at me, thought a moment, then asked, "How long would you have to stay?"
 

Everyone who has ever bought a house can enjoy this....

This is an actual case...A New Orleans lawyer sought an FHA loan for a client. He was told the loan would be granted if he could prove satisfactory title to a parcel of property being offered as collateral.

The title to the property dated back to 1803, which took the Lawyer three months to track down.

After sending the information to the FHA, he received the following reply (actual letter):

Upon review of your letter adjoining your client's loan application, while we compliment the able manner in which you have prepared and presented the application, we must point out that you have only cleared title to the proposed collateral property back to 1803.Before final approval can be accorded, it will be necessary to clear the title back to its origin.

Annoyed, the lawyer responded as follows (actual letter):

Your letter regarding title in Case No. 189156 has been received. I note that you wish to have title extended further than the 194 years covered by the present application.

I was unaware that any educated person in this country, particularly those working in the property area, would not know that Louisiana was
purchased by the U.S. from France in 1803, the year of origin identified in our application.

For the edification of uninformed FHA bureaucrats, the title to
the land prior to U.S. ownership was obtained from France, which had acquired it by Right of Conquest from Spain.

The land came into possession of Spain by Right of Discovery made in the year 1492 by a sea captain named Christopher Columbus, who had been grantedthe privilege of seeking a new route to India by the
then reigning monarch, Isabella.

The good queen, being a pious woman and careful about titles, almost asmuch as the FHA, took the precaution of securing the blessing of the Pope before she sold her jewels to fund Columbus' expedition.

Now the Pope, as I'm sure you know, is the emissary of Jesus Christ, the Son of God. And God, it is commonly accepted, created this world.

Therefore, I believe it is safe to presume that He also made that part of the world called Louisiana.

He, therefore, would be the owner of origin.

I hope the hell you find His original claim to be satisfactory.

Now, may we have our damn loan?

They got it..

As the bus pulled away, I realized I had left my handbag under the seat. Later I called the company and was relieved that the driver had found my bag.

When I went to pick it up, several off-duty bus drivers surrounded me. One man handed my handbag, two typed written pages and a box containing the contents of my handbag.

"We're required to inventory lost handbags, wallets and purses, he explained. I think you'll find everything there."

As I started to put my belongings back into the handbag, the man continued, "I hope you don't mind if we watch. Even, thought we all tried, none of us could fit everything into your handbag, and we'd like to see how you do it."
 

When my father was a car salesman, one of his best sales pitches promoted the superior brand of tires supplied as standard equipment. Even as someone took delivery of a new car, Dad would hand over the keys and say of the tires:"Guaranteed to give you miles of smiles."

One day, a man returned to the dealership ten minutes after getting Dad's usual send-off. "You know those tires that are guaranteed to give miles of smiles?" asked the man.

"Well, one of them just burst out laughing."
 

My 7 yr old son asked me why I didn't have a boyfriend. I was recovering from surgery and spent most of the day in bed. I told him the tv was my boyfriend, he entertained me all the time.

The tv set was old and would just shut itself off for no reason. I'd give it a few hard wacks on the side and it would come back on, was no big deal to me.

The pastor stopped by to check on my recovery and my son answered the door. At that time I was trying to get the tv to come back on. The pastor asked my son if I was busy.

My little one said, "No, sir, she is just in the bedroom banging her boyfriend".

The following was said to be written by a dentist in Australia.

"You probably missed it in the rush of news last week, but there was actually a report that someone in Pakistan had published in a newspaper an offer of a reward to anyone who killed an American, any American. So I just thought I would write to let them know what an American is, so they would know when they found one.

An American is English, French, Italian, Irish, German, Spanish, Polish, Russian or Greek. An American may also be Mexican, African, Indian, Chinese, Japanese, Australian, Iranian, Asian, Arab, Pakistani, or Afghan. An American may also be a Cherokee, Osage, Blackfoot, Navaho, Apache, or one of the many other tribes known as native Americans.

An American is Christian, or he could be Jewish, Buddhist, or Muslim. In fact, there are more Muslims in America than in Afghanistan. The only difference is that in America they are free to worship as each of them chooses. An American is also free to believe in no religion. For that he will answer only to God, not to the government, or to armed thugs claiming to speak for the government and for God.

An American is from the most prosperous land in the history of the world. The root of that prosperity can be found in the Declaration of Independence, which recognizes the God given right of each man and woman to the pursuit of happiness.

An American is generous. Americans have helped out just about every other nation in the world in their time of need. When Afghanistan was overrun by the Soviet army 20 years ago, Americans came with arms and supplies to enable the people to win back their country. As of the morning of September 11, Americans had given more than any other nation to the poor in Afghanistan. The best products, the best books, the best music, the best food, the best athletes.

Americans welcome the best, but they also welcome the least. The national symbol of America welcomes your tired and your poor, the wretched refuse of your teeming shores, the homeless, tempest tossed. These in fact are the people who built America. Some of them were working in the Twin Towers in the morning of September 11, earning a better life for their families. [I've been told that the people in the Towers were from at least 30, and maybe many more, other countries, cultures, and first languages, including those that aided and abetted the terrorists.

So you can try to kill an American if you must. Hitler did. So did General Tojo, and Stalin, and Mao Tse-Tung, and every bloodthirsty tyrant in the history of the world. But, in doing so you would just be killing yourself. Because Americans are not a particular people from a particular place. They are the embodiment of the human spirit of freedom. Everyone who holds to that spirit, everywhere, is an American.

So look around you. You may find more Americans in your land than you thought were there. One day they will rise up and overthrow the old, ignorant, tired tyrants that trouble too many lands. Then those lands, too, will join the community of free and prosperous nations. And America will welcome them!

Pass this around the World!

GOD BLESS OUR WONDERFUL NATION
 

Over the years, my husband and I have usually managed to decode the cute but confusing gender signs sometimes put on restaurants' restroom doors (Buoys and Gulls, Laddies and Lassies, etc.), but every so often we get stumped.

Recently my husband Dave wandered off in search of the men's room and found himself confronted by two marked doors. One was labeled "Bronco," and the other was designated "Cactus."

Completely baffled, he stopped a restaurant employee passing by."Excuse me; I need to use the restroom," Dave said. Gesturing toward the doors, he asked, "Which one should I use?"

"Actually, we would prefer you to go there," the employee said,pointing to a door down the hall marked "Men." "Bronco andCactus are private dining rooms."
 

When our son was four months old, I caught sight of my husband in another room, holding the baby on his lap, talking to him and pointing.

I was touched by this father-son bonding and went into the room to eavesdrop.

"Football," my husband said slowly, pointing to the television. "This is football."
 

The Times, 6 July 2002

Lavatory Blocked by 6ft Python
From Andrew Drummond in Bangkok

A family in Singapore spent two days in terror after a 6ft python took refuge in their lavatory bowl. The snake, which had managed to climb ten floors up to their flat, was found by Tan Kok Chy, a taxi driver, as it slithered into his bathroom on Tuesday. By the time the Police arrived, it had disappeared down the loo.

Mr. Tan covered the bowl with a wooden washing board and weighed it down with a bucket of water. 'It was very inconvenient,' Mr. Tan's son, Tan Cheng Peng, 28, told The Straits Times. 'We had no choice but to use the toilet, so we used it as quickly as possible, keeping an eye out for the snake.'

It re-emerged on Thursday, was caught and given to Singapore Zoo.

A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed
appendix. The doctors operated and advised him that all was well.

However, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the
hairs on his chest. Worried that it might mean second surgery the
doctors hadn't told him about, he finally got enough energy to
pull his hospital gown down enough so he could look at what was
making him so uncomfortable.

Taped firmly across his hairy chest were three wide strips of
adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off. Written in large black letters was the sentence.

"Get well quick..... from the nurse you gave a ticket to last week."


 

When my husband was driving down Decker Lane with my (then) 7-year-
old son, Jesse, they passed the Decker Creek Power Station, a sub-
service to our city's electrical supply.

It was a cold December morning, overcast, and the clouds were hanging low. The hot steam rising from the "smoke stacks" was thick and mingling with the low hanging clouds as it rose from the power station and Jesse, noting this, turned to his dad and said in his most matter-of-fact voice, "Oh... So THAT'S where they make clouds!"


 

I was getting ready for a garage sale one summer day. Since it was so humid out, I decided to stay inside my air-conditioned house and mark the special stickers I had bought for the sale.

Then I slapped them on my blouse, ran outside, stuck them on the appropriate items and rushed back inside. I did this until every item was labeled.

Later that day a UPS man came by the house with a delivery. I noticed that as I was signing for the package, he seemed ill at ease.

It was only after he left that I noticed there was one sticker still attached to the front of my blouse. It read "Make me an offer."
 

For my fourth Caesarian section I opted for a bikini incision, which, along with the previous scars, would form an arrow on my tummy.

"Honey," my husband joked when I told him, "after thirteen years and four kids, I hardly need directions."
 

In a stationery store, I quickly picked out a card for my wife for our anniversary. The clerk was surprised by how little time it took me, and she began relating a story about another customer who spent a half-hour searching for the right anniversary greeting.

Noticing the man lingering over one card after another, the clerk went to see if she could help. "Is there a problem?" she asked."Yes, there is," he replied ruefully. "I can't find one my wife will believe."
 

LIVING YOUR REDNECK DREAMS!

Larry Walters is among the relatively few who have actually turned theirdreams into reality. His story is true, though you may find it hard to believe.

Larry was a truck driver, but his life long dream was to fly. When he
graduated from high school, he joined the Air Force in hopes of becoming a pilot. Unfortunately, poor eyesight disqualified him. So when he finally left the service, he had to satisfy himself with watching others fly the fighter jets that criss-crossed the skies over his backyard. As he sat there in his lawn chair, he dreamed about the magic of flying.

Then one day, Larry Walters got an idea. He went down to the local
Army-Navy surplus store and bought a tank of helium and forty-five weatherballoons. These were not your brightly colored party balloons, these wereheave-duty spheres measuring more than four feet across when fullyinflated. Back in his yard, Larry used straps to attach the balloons to his lawn chair, the kind you might have in your own back yard.

He anchored the chair to the bumper of his jeep and inflated the balloonswith helium. Then he packed some sandwiches and drinks and loaded a BB gun, figuring he could pop a few of those balloons when it was time to return to earth.

His preparations complete, Larry Walters sat in his chair and cut the
anchoring cord. His plan was to lazily float back down to terra firma. Butthings didn't quite work out that way.

When Larry cut the cord, he didn't float lazily up; he shot up as if firedfrom a cannon! Nor did he go up a couple hundred feet. He climbed andclimbed until he finally leveled off at eleven thousand feet! At thatheight, he could hardly risk deflating any of the balloons, lest he unbalance the load and really experience flying! So he stayed up there, sailing around for fourteen hours, totally at a loss as to how to get down.

Eventually, Larry drifted into the approach corridor for Los Angeles
International Airport. A Pan Am pilot radioed the tower about passing a guy in a lawn chair at eleven thousand feet with a gun in his lap. (Now there's a conversation I'd have given anything to have heard!)

LAX is right on the ocean, and you may know that at nightfall, the winds on the coast begin to change. So, as dusk fell, Larry began drifting out to sea.

At that point, the Navy dispatched a helicopter to rescue him. But the
rescue team had a hard time getting to him, because the draft from theirpropeller kept pushing his homemade contraption farther and farther away.

Eventually they were able to hover over him and drop a rescue line withwhich they gradually hauled him back to earth.

As soon as Larry hit the ground, he was arrested. But as he was being led away in handcuffs, a television reported called out, "Mr. Walters, why'dyou do it?"

Larry stopped, eyed the man, then replied nonchalantly, "A man can't just sit around." :d

Russ and Sandy Asbury of Whitewater, Wis., told an Associated Press reporter in February that their two cats, Boots and Bandit,now each 2 years old, have driven up the couple's water bill recently because they have learned to flush toilets. Said Russ, "We have to shut the bathroom door when we go to bed. Otherwise one or the other of the cats are in there flushing away all night."

[Los Angeles Times-AP, 2-19-02]

 

In her memoirs, Barbara Bush described one of those most embarrassing moments that inevitably occur, even on the most carefully planned of foreign trips. Along with her husband, then the Vice President, Mrs. Bush was lunching with Emperor Hirohito at Tokyo's Imperial Palace.

Sitting next to the Emperor, Mrs. Bush found the conversation an uphill task. To all her efforts at verbal engagement, the Emperor would smile and say "Yes" or "No," with an occasional "Thank You" tossed in for good measure.

Looking around her elegant surroundings, she complimented Hirohito on his official residence.

"Thank you," he said.

"Is it new?" pressed Mrs. Bush.

"Yes."

"Was the old palace just so old that it was falling down?" asked Mrs. Bush.

In his most charming, yet regal, matter, Hirohito replied,
"No, I'm afraid that you bombed it."

Mrs. Bush turned to her other lunch partner.....

 

One night while I was cat-sitting my daughter's indoor feline, it
escaped outside. When it failed to return the following morning, I
found the beast clinging to a branch about 30 feet up in a spindly
tree. Unable to lure it down, I called the fire department.

"We don't do that anymore," the woman dispatcher said. When I persisted, she was polite but firm. "The cat will come down when it gets hungry enough."

How do you know that?" I asked.

"Have you ever seen a cat skeleton in a tree?" she said.

Two hours later the cat was back, looking for breakfast.

 

Our church was planning a chili supper for the homeless, and my wife, Florence, agreed to prepare four gallons of her rather mild variation.

The man in charge of organizing the program asked Florence how she would describe her chili -- three alarm or four alarm.

After hearing some of the ingredients that went into other chili donations, my wife replied, "I guess you'd call mine false alarm."
 

One night while I was cat-sitting my daughter's indoor feline, it
escaped outside. When it failed to return the following morning, I
found the beast clinging to a branch about 30 feet up in a spindly
tree. Unable to lure it down, I called the fire department.

"We don't do that anymore," the woman dispatcher said. When I
persisted, she was polite but firm. "The cat will come down when
it gets hungry enough."

How do you know that?" I asked.

"Have you ever seen a cat skeleton in a tree?" she said.

Two hours later the cat was back, looking for breakfast.

After my divorce, I turned to computer dating services, which provided me with names and phone numbers of women whose profiles seemed a good match for me.

Nervously, I picked up the phone and called the first woman on my list. To my great relief, she was quite pleasant, and I actually mustered up the courage to ask her out.

"I'm sorry," she replied firmly. "I just can't do that."

I was stunned. "Do you mind my asking why not?" I asked.

"Because," she said, "I'm your wife's divorce attorney."
 

As head of a fairly large photography dept. in an agency in Lou.,Ky., I see quite a few glamorous people who model for jobs we shoot.

Often there will be art directors, clients and account directors present at these shoots. Sometimes this presents certain problems, such as last year when we had a well know national model in for a job and the art director was smitten by her.

The same art director was going out with one of the account assistants, who quietly smoldered through the whole job, but bit her tongue until the job was over and the girl was gone.

A few days later in a sales meeting the account executive of this account mentioned that the model was being flown in for The Kentucky Derby, by the client.

Just as the art director started to jump for joy, his girlfriend, the assistant, spoke up loud and clear, "Oh really, who's the jockey?"
 

When my son was six years old, he received a tool box for Christmas. The tool box contained a small hammer, a saw, pliers, screw driver, etc.

He was enthused about his new toy and urged me to go with him to
the basement to try out some of his tools.

I had some scrap wood in the basement left over from recently
paneling the basement,so asked him,"What do you want to build?"

He excitedly replied,"Let's build a dog house!!"

Since our pet was a cat,and not a dog,I told him that a dog
house would not be appropriate since we didn't have a dog.

His quick solution was,"then let's build a cat house!!"

When I stopped the bus to pick up Chris for preschool, I noticed an older woman hugging him as he left the house.

"Is that your grandmother?" I asked.

"Yes, "Chris said. "She's come to visit us for Christmas."

"How nice," I said. "Where does she live?"

"At the airport," Chris replied. "Whenever we want her, we just go out there and get her."
 

The other day I got into the elevator of my apartment building
with two other tenants, both of whom have, like me, lived there
for 30 years. "Hi, Sheila," I said to the woman.

The man looked surprised. "Is your name Sheila?" he asked. She
nodded and smiled. "But," he said, "I've been calling you Lillian
for years, and you've never corrected me."

"True," she replied, "but you never heard me answer you, did you?"

The family was gathered together to assist with preparations for arrival of the new baby.

Painting window trim, hanging wall paper and assembling the crib.

The expectant mom's nephew, Mike, aged three, was also in attendance and helping as only little ones can.

During one of his rest breaks, he asked where the baby was.

Mike's mom pointed to her sisters protruding stomach and said "it's in here".

Little Mike looked at his Aunts stomach, with big eyes he looked up at his aunt and said "you ate your baby?"

 

Right outside her front door, my mother-in-law had a thermometer that never seemed to tell the correct temperature. One chilly day, we all noticed that the thermometer, which was in direct sunlight, read a balmy 72 degrees.

"Mom" my wife suggested without thinking. "You should stick that thing where the sun doesn't shine."
 

My aunt and mom [both gourmet cooks] were stressing kitchen skills and the old adage about the way to a man's heart.

Grandma, after listening to her daughters-in-law for several minutes, gave them a derisive humph and said, ''look Cat, the way to man's heart may lie through his stomach but if you want to lock the door after you, the key hangs a bit farther down''.

You know in all my twenty-three years I had never seen my mom pass coffee through her nose before.
 

Because I was processing my first accident report at the transport company where I worked, I was being particularly attentive.

The driver had hit a deer on the highway, and the result was a severly damaged hood and fender.

My serious mood was broken, however, when I reached the section of the report that asked," Speed of other vehicle?"

The driver had put "Full gallop."
 

My daughter very proud of her reading abilities, was asked to go to the freezer and fetch a package of hamburger.

She returned empty handed and frowning.

When asked about the hamburger and her disappointment, she replied "Dad there was no hamburger"

I told her on the second shelf, it was full of packages.

She replied, "But Dad, all that was there, was Ground Beef"
 

Ok, I'm the only female in a house full of guys: 4 sons and a hubby.
Toilet seat never down, etc.-you get the picture. Therefore, I'm the only one who would be using Female products, correct?

A strange thing was happening at my house: tampons were disappearing.

*insert Twilight Zone theme*

It started a few months ago, when I went to my cupboard to get out a
tampon and there was only one left. I could have sworn I had just bought a box the month before. So, I go back to the store, buy a new box and forget about it.

The next month (that time of month), I go back to the cupboard and viola! there is only one tampon left, again! What is going on here? Gremlins?

Total memory failure?

I go to the store, buy another box and try to chalk it up to
forgetfulness, but am really wondering, now.

Later in the month, I decide to clean out my two youngest sons' closet
and, Low and Behold! at the bottom of their closet are the wrappers,
applicators, and the tampon themselves!

Now I am starting to freak... Dear God, what are they doing with them?!!

I get hold of myself, tell myself that "I am an Adult" and can handle
this-despite the bizarre thoughts running through my mind. Wondering, "Do I have enough money saved up in the bank for MAJOR THERAPY?"

I go to the stairs and yell to my two youngest sons to "Come Here, RIGHT NOW!!!"

With their usual lack of speed, they finally appear in their room to find me staring into the bottom of their closet.

I firmly, but with control, ask, "What are you doing with THOSE? Those are MINE!"

My 12 year old looks like a deer caught in the headlights and is silent.

My 10 year old looks at me, all innocent, and says, "Well, Mom, we were playing with our G.I. Joes and THOSE make really good SCUD missiles. Whatdo YOU use them for?"

"NEVER MIND...GO PLAY!!!!"
 

Our Lamaze class included a tour of the pediatric wing of the hospital.

When a new baby was brought into the nursery, all the women tried to guess its weight, but the guy standing next to me was the only male to venture a number.

"Looks like 9 pounds," he offered confidently.

"This must not be your first," I said.

"Oh, yes," he said.

"It's my first."

"Then how would you know the weight of a baby?" I asked.

He shrugged. "I'm a fisherman."
 

A lady was taking her time browsing through everything at a yard
sale and said to the homeowner, "My husband is going to be very
angry when he finds out I stopped at a yard sale."

"I'm sure he'll understand when you tell him about all the bargains," the homeowner replied.

"Normally, yes," the lady said. "But he just broke his leg, and he's waiting for me to take him to the hospital to have it set."

 

A German post office sent a card wishing a man good luck in his new home, only to find he had changed his address because he was in prison.

The cards are automatically sent out as a customer relations scheme to welcome Germans to their new address.

But the good wishes failed to bring a smile to the face of the complainant from Lueneburg - whose new home is a prison.

The card said "The post office wishes you a good move", and advised the new homeowner to get settled in.

It read, "You've made it - and now you have earned a rest so you can get used to your new surroundings."
 

While in the check out line at the grocery store, I couldn't help but notice the collection of items the man in front of me was purchasing:

A package of ground beef,chili peppers, jalapeno peppers,kidney beans,tomato paste,onions,chili powder,and one super-sized package of toilet paper.

A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party.

When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you
shouldn't wear that suit."

"And why not, darling?" the father asked.

"You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning."

 

One weekend I was housesitting for my mother. She had a plant in
her living room that was very beautiful.

After two days, I thought the plant might be a little thirsty. I went to the kitchen and got a big pitcher and filled it with water.

I went back to the living room, which if I did not mention before was carpeted, and poured the pitcher of water into the plants pot.

When my mother came home she stepped inside the door, into a wet spot on the floor. When my mother stepped into the wet spot she said, What the hell is wet?!, the plant was sitting in the middle of the wet spot.

Then she said, Brandy...have you watered this plant?

I answered her with a look of innocence thinking I had done something good that would make her proud of me I said, yeah..I watered the plant.

Thats when my mother looked at me very calmly at first and then just starting to bust a gut laughing and screamed out in a sentence of laughter, That plant is not even real!

Concerned about fitness in my middle 40s, I enrolled in an aerobics class. To my dismay I walked into a room filled with much younger women and decided to combat my nervousness with humor. "I'm here to do my postnatal exercises," I told the instructor.

She gave me an appraising look. "How old is your baby?"

"Twenty-six," I replied.

 

In the mid-eighties, when it was still fashionable to sell weapons to the war-torn Middle East, Britain shipped 6 Harrier jump jets to Syria.

During delivery, these were landed in an airfield in Cyprus for the night, where they were to be guarded by a crack squad of local Greek soldiers.

Sadly, this turned out to mean a couple of bored squaddies, one of
whom decided to impress his mate by doing "pull-ups" on the nose
cone of one of the £20 million planes.

However, the radar spike proved to be less sturdy than he'd imagined, and it immediately bent down 90 degrees, resisting all attempts to straighten it again.

Panicking at the damage he'd caused, the un-named private then adopted a course of action worthy of the Victoria Cross for stupidity.

He walked down he line of 6 jets, bending the radar spike on each one. He claimed, at his subsequent court martial, that he had "hoped nobody would notice the difference if they all looked like that".

 

I told my husband I would be in the bathroom. I had no sooner sat
down when a roll of thunder rumbled through.

My husband yelled out, "'Geeze honey, keep it down. The neighbors heard that one."

 

The night before my bypass surgery, the doctor wanted me to
take a shower; which was fine with me, after three days of using
a basin and washcloth.

As I walked down the hall, I had a Nurse on either side. The
one asked, "Are you going to be able to manage OK?"

I said, "I feel weak and dizzy. Perhaps both of you would be
kind enough to get in the shower with me."

The little blonde Nurse looked up and said, "Nice try."

 

As I left the grocery store, I noticed two little kids, maybe six or seven years old, selling candy bars in front of the store to raise money for their school band.

"I'll buy a chocolate bar on one condition," I said to the
boys. "You eat it for me."

I bought one and handed the candy back to one of the boys.

He shook his head. "I can't," he said.

"Why not?"

Looking me in the eye, he responded gravely, "I'm not supposed to take candy from strangers."

 

One of the single girls in the office came in one morning and began passing out cigars and candy, both tied with blue ribbons.

When asked what the occasion was, she proudly displayed a diamond solitaire on her left ring finger.

"It's a boy," she announced, "six feet tall, 178 pounds!"
 

During a daily Biology class, we were discussing how DNA is made by taking enzymes from eaten food and using the enzymes to build the DNA.

ANYWAY, my teacher said "Now, when I eat the carrot, the enzymes from the carrot help to build strands of DNA."

And this girl in the front row asks without a hitch "So then is DNA made of carrots?"
 

I was helping my friend make dolls for her grandchildren. As we were painstakingly finishing a dimpled knee, the phone rang. "Hi, Mom, what are you doing?" came my son's cheery voice.

Removing pins from my mouth, I answered, "Making babies."

There was a moment's silence at the other end. "Oh, Dad's home?"

When a friend, John, came to visit from Philadelphia, it took him awhile to get used to ourSouthern foods anbd accents. One morning we were having breakfast at a local diner and he ordered an egg platter that came with grits.

"Hominy?" inquired our waitress.

"Just two," he replied
 

Stumpy prepared a pasta dish for a dinner party he was giving.

In his haste, however, he forgot to refrigerate the spaghetti sauce, and it sat on the counter all day. He was worried about spoilage, but it was too late to cook up another batch.

He called the local Poison Control Center and voiced his concern. They advised Stumpy to boil the sauce again.

That night, the phone rang during dinner, and a guest volunteered to answer it. Stumpy's face dropped as the guest called out,"It's the Poison Control Center. They want to know how the spaghetti sauce turned out."

 

"In a survey in Modern Maturity magazine, men over seventy-five said they had sex once a week. Which proves that old guys lie about sex too."

 

When we were looking to buy property I had this over zealous realtor show us what can only be described as a totally worn-out old farm.

I mean the land had just been worked to death. The weeds were hardly even growing.

The smiling super salesman said, "Now really, all this land needs is a little water, a nice cool breeze and some good people."

I took another glance around and replied, "Yeah, I agree, but couldn't the same be said of Hell?"

 

A superintendent of a large, snooty apartment building got the ultimate revenge when he was called for the umpteenth time to fix a tenant's clogged toilet.

Going to her apartment, where the female tenant happened to be giving a fancy dinner party for other tenants in the building, the super had to endure her telling all the assembled guests that he was a complete, incompetent idiot. Furthermore, she got them all to go to the bathroom door to watch his clumsiness.

He didn't say anything but merely concentrated on fixing the toilet, while she kept on complaining about the bad service.So busy was she complaining, that no one noticed when the super reached quickly into his tool bag. A minute later he held something up triumphantly and told her and the assembled guests, "I've found what was cloggingyour toilet." All the guests broke into shocked laughter and the woman turned a bright red.

The super was holding up a large yellow banana with a red condom wrapped around it.

The woman never complained again.
 

"I was browsing in a souvenir shop when the man next to me struck up a conversation. Just as he was telling me that his wife was getting carried away with her shopping, a brief power shortage caused the lights to flicker overhead.

'That,' he sighed, 'must be her checking out now.' "

Jacqueline Boanson of Cheltenham, England, was a bit perplexed when she saw a deposit from a bookie into her bank account for 291.40 pounds (US$445).

After calling the bookmaker, it was pieced together that her debit card had been stolen from her mailbox and used to gamble at the horse races.

The deposit was the winnings. The thief "would have needed complete ID matching the card to get paid in cash," said a spokesman for Ladbrokes, so the winnings were paid back to the debit card.

He added that if the bet was a loser they would have refunded the
stolen money, but since it was a winner they let her keep it since
"it would seem a bit churlish to deprive Mrs. Boanson of her winnings." (London Times)

 

The employees were encouraged to bring their high school graduation photos to work. The pictures would be displayed on a bulletin board.

One lady in her mid-fifties did so and after a week, a young
gentleman came up to her and said, "Wow, you were really hot back
then!!

What happened to you?"

 

When I became a licensed chiropractor, I moved back to my hometown and soon had a thriving practice.

One morning I saw a new patient whom I recognized as my old high-school principal.

"Gee," I said nervously, "I'm a little surprised to see you here."

"Why?" he replied. "You certainly spent a great deal of time in my office."
 

I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information when she interrupted me with "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Cape Town is in Massachusetts."

Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained, "Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa." Her response... click.

 

SKUON, Cambodia - What may seem to most to be a challenge on Fear
Factor is a delicacy among the people of Skuon.

People here support themselves and their families by selling fried, palm-sized tarantulas in what is otherwise an impoverished farmland
community.

Described as crispy on the outside and gooey on the inside, these spiders are black, hairy with venomous fangs before they are fried.

One local said, "They taste a bit like crickets, only much better." I think I'll take his word on it.

 

When I was very young and naive I was fishing with my husband on a cold windy river bank. He was talking to another fisherman who had also braved the cold and wind.

I was a smoker, and couldn't seem to keep a match burning long enough to get a cigarette lit.

I said, "Honey, break wind for me, will you?"

Both men collapsed in laughter, and I had to wait till I got home to find out what was so funny.

John, a neighbor of mine, was annoyed because he had to search for his newspaper each morning after the paperboy tossed it. Often he would find it, covered with dirt, under the car in the gravel driveway.

Then one day the paperboy's mother mentioned that her son's ambition was to play professional basketball.

John had an idea.

When he got home, he attached a basketball hoop to a post on the front porch. Sure enough, the next morning there was a resounding "plunk" as the newspaper sailed through the hoop and landed by the door.

John never had to search for his paper again.

 

My wife, a flight attendant for a major airline, watched one day as a passenger overloaded with bags tried to stuff his belongings in the overhead bin of the plane. Finally, she informed him that he would have to check the oversized luggage.

"When I fly other airlines," he said irritably, "I don't have this problem."

My wife smiled and replied, "When you fly other airlines, I don't have this problem either."

Newly assigned officers to a Naval Air Station are quite often "adopted" by a family. One such young officer, a Lieut. Commander, kind-of became an Uncle to one family's 4 year old daughter.

One Sunday, he asked her what she had learned in Sunday School.
She said she had learned all about the ten commanders, and that they were always broke.

 

Father Tomlinson had given a rather lengthy sermon on the joys of married life.

On the way out the door, Patty said to Grace,"I wish I knew as little about the subject as he does."

 

Today is day three of hell. Yes, I quit smoking. Got really tired of paying big bucks for something that's not good for me in the first place. Gonna have to take up another vice.

So, on top of everything else, I break a nail because I can't figure out how to get into my own gas tank(new car). The latch for the fuel door would not work. I had to go to my mechanic and beg him not to laugh at my stupidity. He got the door open.

I try to keep busy doing something besides eating. So, I went outside to trim a big shrub in the back yard. However, the bees living in the shrub were not happy with my remodeling their home. Got stung lots of times. Enough to know they were serious about me leaving the immediate vicinity. After I stopped hopping, screaming, and slapping bees, I really really wanted a cigarette to calm me down. But no dice. Quit is quit. I'm thinking of changing my name. (Sue Bee)

 

With some misgivings, we left a young baby-sitter in charge of our three energetic youngsters.

When we returned a few, hours later, she was sitting alone watching TV.

I went to check on the children, and found them in our narrow hallway. By bracing their arms and legs against the walls, two of them had climbed up to the ceiling.

"The baby-sitter taught us how," they said gleefully.

The sitter joined me, her face a deep red. "Since they had me climbing the walls, I figured they might as well be too," she
stammered.

We kept the same girl for the next two years.

When my three-year-old son opened the birthday gift from his
grandmother and found a water pistol. He squealed with de-light and headed for the nearest sink.

I was not so pleased.

I turned to Mom and said, "I'm surprised at you. Don't you remember how we used to drive you crazy with water guns?"

Mom smiled and then replied, "I remember."

The old man was relaxing at his hundredth birthday party when a
reporter went up to him.

"Sir, what is the secret of your long life?"

The man considered this for a moment, then replied "every day at 9 PM I have a glass of port. Good for the heart I've heard."

The reporter replied, "That's ALL?"

The man smiled, "That, and canceling my voyage on Titanic."

 

I decided to stop worrying about my teenage son's driving and take advantage of it.

I got one of those bumper stickers that say, "How's my driving?" and put a 900 number on it. At 50 cents a call, I've been making $38 a week.

 

My husband and I had been married for about a year when my brother-
in-law, a career Navy man, stationed in Guam at the time,called to
tell us that he was marrying a Chinese-Maylasian girl he met there.

My mother-in-law flew to Guam for the wedding and on her return
all she could talk about was how sweet and refined the girl was
and how careful we had to be when they came home for Christmas not
to offend her sensibilities. She was really worried about me, I
think, because she hadn't yet quite come to grips with the fact
that I hung out of helicopters with a camera and traveled with an
all male camera crew for a living.

When they arrived for Christmas my mother-in-law had a large
reception for them and everything went well until she ask her new-
daughter in-law how their trip to the states went. Well, this
lovely soft spoken girl, with the face of an angel, launched into
a story, in the finest navy language, with a broken accent, I have
ever heard. "Dat som-o-beech he fart on plane, it smell sooo' bad
all people have to move, den dat mudder-f--ker he jus' sit there
an' laugh. I tell him, I keeck his ass but I afraid I get sheet
on my shoe."

My poor mother-in-law turned white, then red, and every else tried
to stifle giggles or act as if they didn't hear it. Of course I,
being devoid of any social graces, just roared and hugged my new
sister-in-law, while assuring her the gas problem ran in the
family.

We have been great friends ever since and my sweet mother-in-law
has finally gotten over the shock of it all.

I was standing in line at a restaurant, waiting to pay my bill
behind two women who handed the young waitress a credit card.
After swiping the card, she loudly called out to her manager, "Mr.
Allen, what do I do if it says 'rejected'?"

As the women's faces reddened and customers turned to look, Mr.
Allen walked out from the kitchen. "Well," he answered, wiping his
hands, "the first thing you do is shout it out loud enough to
embarrass the customer, who might have been thinking of leaving
you a tip."

This is a true story.

My daddy was reading the mail at the table one day at lunch time.

My brother and his friend had been working on the farm for daddy
that day and they were eating with the family. Daddy was recoving
from surgery. He opened a bill from the hospital and, as we all
usually do, was complaining about the charges.

He said, "Well, I'll be damned. They charged me for three enemas and they nevereven gave me one.

My brother's friend spoke up and said, "Well, I'll tell you one thing--If they charged me for them, I'd go back up there and make them give them to me."
 

Sunday a friend of ours, her husband and three year old daughter
come over for lunch.

While we were eating the conversation turned to the middle east crisis and terrorists.

During a pause in the conversation, this innocent blue eyed blond little girl solemnly asked, "Did anyone catch that Somma Bech Laden", we all tried not to laugh, "out of the mouths of babes", is all I could manage to say.

TACO HELL
by Peter Leppik

The following is a *true* story. It amused the hell out of me while it was happening. I hope it isn't one of those "had to be there" things.

On my way home from the second job I've taken for the extra holiday cash I need, I stopped at Taco Bell for a quick bite to eat. In my billfold is a $50 bill and a $2 bill. That is all of the cash I have on my person. I figure that with a $2 bill, I can get something to eat and not have to worry about people getting mad at me.

Me: "Hi, I'd like one seven layer burrito please, to go."

Server: "Is that it?"

Me: "Yep."

Server: "That'll be $1.04, eat here?"

Me: "No, it's "TO-GO" [I hate effort duplication]."

At this point I open my billfold and hand him the $2 bill. He
looks at it kind of funny and

Server: "Uh, hang on a sec, I'll be right back."

He goes to talk to his manager, who is still within earshot.

The following conversation occurs between the two of them.

Server: "Hey, you ever see a $2 bill?"

Manager: "No. A what?"

Server: "A $2 bill. This guy just gave it to me."

Manager: "Ask for something else, THERE'S NO SUCH
THING AS A $2 BILL."

Server: "Yeah, thought so."

He comes back to me and says

Server: "We don't take these. Do you have anything else?"

Me: "Just this fifty. You don't take $2 bills? Why?"

Server: "I don't know."

Me: "See here where it says legal tender?"

Server: "Yeah."

Me: "So, shouldn't you take it?"

Server: "Well, hang on a sec."

He goes back to his manager who is watching me like I'm going to
shoplift.

Server: "He says I have to take it."

Manager: "Doesn't he have anything else?"

Server: "Yeah, a fifty. I'll get it and you can open the safe and
get change."

Manager: "I'M NOT OPENING THE SAFE WITH HIM IN HERE." [My emphasis]

Server: "What should I do?"

Manager: "Tell him to come back later when he has REAL money."

Server: "I can't tell him that, you tell him."

Manager: "Just tell him."

Server: "No way, this is weird, I'm going in back."

The manager approaches me and says

Manager: "Sorry, we don't take big bills this time of night." [it was 8pm and this particular Taco Bell is in a well lighted indoor mall with 100 other stores.]

Me: "Well, here's a two."

Manager: "We don't take *those* either."

Me: "Why the hell not?"

Manager: "I think you *know* why."

Me: "No really, tell me, why?"

Manager: "Please leave before I call mall security."

Me: "Excuse me?"

Manager: "Please leave before I call mall security."

Me: "What the hell for?"

Manager: "Please, sir."

Me: "Uh, go ahead, call them."

Manager: "Would you please just leave?"

Me: "No."

Manager: "Fine, have it your way then."

Me: "No, that's Burger King, isn't it?"

At this point he BACKS away from me and calls mall security on the
phone around the corner. I have two people STARING at me from the
dining area, and I begin laughing out loud, just for effect. A few
minutes later this 45 year old-ish guy comes in and says [at the
other end of counter, in a whisper]

Security: "Yeah, Mike, what's up?"

Manager: "This guy is trying to give me some [pause] funny money."

Security: "Really? What?"

Manager: "Get this, a *two* dollar bill."

Security: "Why would a guy fake a $2 bill?" [Incredulous]

Manager: "I don't know? He's kinda weird. Says the only other thing he has is a fifty."

Security: "So, the fifty's fake?"

Manager: "NO, the $2 is." Security: "Why would he fake a $2 bill?"

Manager: "I don't know. Can you talk to him, and get him out of
here?"

Security: "Yeah..."

Security guard walks over to me and says

Security: "Mike here tells me you have some fake bills you're trying to use."

Me: "Uh, no."

Security: "Lemme see 'em."

Me: "Why?"

Security: "Do you want me to get the cops in here?"

At this point I was ready to say, "SURE, PLEASE," but I wanted to eat, so I said

Me: "I'm just trying to buy a burrito and pay for it with this $2
bill."

I put the bill up near his face, and he flinches like I was taking
a swing at him. He takes the bill, turns it over a few times in his hands, and says Security: "Mike, what's wrong with this bill?"

Manager: "It's fake."

Security: "It doesn't look fake to me."

Manager: "But it's a **$2** bill."

Security: "Yeah?"

Manager: "Well, there's no such thing, is there?"

The security guard and I both looked at him like he was an idiot,and it dawned on the guy that he had no clue. My burrito was free and he threw in a small drink and those cinnamon things, too.Makes me want to get a whole stack of $2 bills just to see what happens when I try to buy stuff. If I got the right group of people, I could probably end up in jail. At least you get free food.

 

McDonald's is now accepting graduates of the following skools of higher edukation ..........

~Salsa Rancho College
~Reboot University
~Slick State University
~Innuendo Night College
~World Global University
~Sweet Dill Junior College
~North by Northeastern U.
~Kansas Pacific University
~Texas Aunt Em College
~University of California at Sunset
~Massachusetts Institute of Trees
~St. Cunnilingus Day School
~College of the Equator
~Pungent University of the West
~Shoe Fly Pie Academy
~Menthol State University
~Bay Rum Polytechnic University
~Yahoo College of Atlantis
~Exterior Latex School of Art
~Moon River Divinity School
~Clinica Veterinaria de Brazil
~Louisiana College of Dentistry & Dressmaking
~Uganda U.
~Hash Brown University
~Upstairs Downstairs on the Right College
~Simple Simian School of Tax Fraud
~Plagiarism Creative Writing College
~Degree Mill of Miami Beach

Anonymous Author

I'm the postmaster for a small town in Pennsylvania.One of my
regular customers,Jeff,bought several sheets of newly released
commemorative stamps.

Soon after he left,a woman came in carrying two crisp sheets of Harry Houdini stamps she'd found in the parking lot.

The next morning,I gave Jeff the sheets of stamps he'd lost. "You know,"Jeff said to me,"I'm not at all that surprised the Houdini stamps reappeared."

A young man was driving South, out of town, when he came up on an old pickup going a lot slower, about thiry miles an hour. He was coming up fast and figured he'd just pass the old codger by. At the last second, the old truck turned left in front of him and the collision was unavoidable.

The young man explained the tale to the officer, telling him there was no turn signal or even a hand signal to warn him about the turn.

When the elderly gentleman was asked about signaling, he said "I've turned here EVERYDAY for the last SIXTY years! Why should I have to tell any body?"

Now this is a REAL hockey fan!!

Told by an eye-witness at a Calgary Flames hockey game!

I am here to tell the tale of naked guy...

This guy was sitting exactly 2 rows down from me tonight. So he was 7th row, seat 18, section 119.

He jumped up in the third period, and starting ripping his shirt off. I thought he was going to start waving it, and screaming go Flames go, but this was not the case.

He made his way to the stairwell which was two seats away from him, and ripped his pants down. He then kicked his shoes off, and started violently trying to kick his pants off, shit from his pockets flying everywhere.

Now naked, the guy runs down towards the ice. A kid about 13 years old is ice level on the corner of the row. He watches in horror as naked guy charges down the stairs towards him. The kid jumps up as naked guy's package confronts him. They juke right, then left, trying to madly avoid one another.

Naked guy charges the penalty box glass, and on the other side, the timekeeper charges the glass to stop naked guys assault. When naked guy jumps up on the glass, his unit has a staring contest with the timekeeper, who obviously backs down in defeat.

Naked guy straddles the glass, his package just missing being seperated from his body by mere inches. Naked guy climbs over the glass, then climbs onto the glass to the ice, and jumps onto the ice, suddenly disappearing from our view. When he didn't reappear, I thought he might be dead.

The Saddledome crew started spilling onto the ice, each one getting to naked guy's lifeless body, and waving others onto the ice. It seemed like nobody wanted to touch naked guy. I thought the worst, and then they put him on a stretcher, and he was awake waving his hands and signaling "rock on, naked guy is alright". He also kept putting his finger to his mouth, signaling shhhhhhhh so his buddies wouldn't sell him
out, but the guy in front of me had already given the usher his name.

On a related note, I heard two security guys talking about how naked guy pissed all over himself, and on the ice while he was passed out, but I cannot confirm this information.

Great game, glad naked guy will live.
 

His name was Fleming, and he was a poor Scottish farmer. One day, while trying to make a living for his family, he heard a cry for help coming from a nearby bog. He dropped his tools and ran to the bog. There, mired to his waist in black muck, was a terrified boy, screaming and struggling to free himself. Farmer Fleming saved the lad from what could have been a slow and terrifying death.

The next day, a fancy carriage pulled up to the Scotsman's sparse surroundings. An elegantly dressed nobleman stepped out and introduced himself as the father of the boy Farmer Fleming had saved.

"I want to repay you," said the nobleman. "You saved my son's life."

"No, I can't accept payment for what I did," the Scottish farmer replied, waving off the offer

At that moment, the farmer's own son came to the door of the family hovel.

"Is that your son?" the nobleman asked.

"Yes," the farmer replied proudly.

"I'll make you a deal. Let me provide him with the level of education my son will enjoy. If the lad is anything like his father, he'll no doubt grow to be a man we both will be proud of." And that he did.

Farmer Fleming's son attended the very best schools and in time, he graduated from St. Mary's Hospital Medical School in London, and went on to become known throughout the world as the noted Sir Alexander Fleming, the discoverer of Penicillin.

Years afterward, the same nobleman's son who was saved from the bog was stricken with pneumonia. What saved his life this time? Penicillin.

The name of the nobleman? Lord Randolph Churchill. His son's name?

Sir Winston Churchill.

 

On a cold Thanksgiving morning when I was 7, the whole family was at my grandparents for the Holiday meal.My three crazy country cousins and I went outside while dinner was being cooked, looking for something to do.We tried to get Grampa's old cow dog to play fetch, but he just crawled under the porch to get away from us, so we decided to go down to the stock pond and throw rocks. We weren't
supposed to go there without an adult with us, so we took a round
about way behind the barn so they could't see us.

About three quarters of the way to the pond we saw grampa's Jersey bull,we didn't think anything about it because the bull had always
been gentle. For some reason that day the bull was mad as hell and
suddenly bellowed and came charging toward us. We were too far from the fence to make it back, so we ran to the pond, where an old wooden row boat was on the bank. We all pushed the boat into the pond and jumped in, just in the nick of time.

The bull raged and threw dirt over his head and refused to go away, the old boat was taking on water fast. Just as we thought we were all going to drown or freeze to death in the pond, Grampa's old cow dog came flying down the hill right toward the bull. The bull charged at him, but cow dog just flattened himself on the ground and slipped sidways, nipping the bulls flank as he passed by.

We jumped to the shore just as the boat went under and ran, wet and
cold, screaming to the fence. Cow dog stayed between us and the bull all the way. When we got to the fence Grampa came running, he had heard the bull and when he came out to see what was wrong he heard us screaming.He herded us into the house and went back out for cow dog.

We were just about to be in real trouble with Mom and Grandmother when Grampa came in with cow dog, He put a stop to our punishment and informed Grandmother that cow dog was having turkey and gravy
with the family that day.

We sure loved Grampa, and cow dog.

My husband-to-be and I were at the county clerk's office for our marriage license.After recording the vital information--names,dates of birth,etc.

The clerk handed me our license and deadpanned,"No refunds,no exchanges,no warranties."

When I got home yesterday after shopping, I found a message on my
answering machine. It was from a friend of mine who's been looking for a job. She said that she had to put down the names of three people as personal references (non-family members) on her application, and she used my name. It was only to verify that she
was honest and trustworthy.

She added, "They also had a form for you to sign, but I couldn't find you. So I forged your signature."

Rated G Jim

Rated PG Life's Embarrasing Moments

Rated PG George in Chicago

Rated G ............Becky

Rated G .......... Lorraine

Rated G ...........Becky

Rated PG .................Michele

Rated G .......Frank

Rated G ................KJM

Rated G ....................Sue Bee

Rated G Kate

Rated G .............Texas Bob

Rated G

Rated G ............Sally in Philadelphia

Dangerous Snake

Rated G ......................Sue Bee

THE SCHOOL PROJECT

Rated G

True Story from Wisconsin(later gleefully told on national radio by Paul Harvey).

Rated G Sue Bee

Rated PG .....Peggy in Peekskill

Rated G

Rated G

Rated G Life's Embarrasing Moments

Rated PG A www.film-tech.com Member

Rated G George in Ohio

Rated G ........ Texas Bob

Rated G Joe in Carmel

Rated PG JoEllen in Indianapolis

Rated G Baby Blues

Time

Rated R Lorraine

STORY FROM THE ER:

Rated PG

Rated G

Rated G Lorraine

Rated G Lorraine

Rated G Do you Recall?

For those of you who never saw the Burma Shave signs, here is a
quick lesson in our history of the 1930s and 1940s. Before the
Interstates, when everyone drove the old 2-lane roads, Burma Shave signs would be posted all over the countryside in farmers' fields.

Rated G

Rated G Greg

A Really True Tale... Gotta watch those convertibles

Rated G

Ladies, today we find out you're damned if you do and damned if
you don't.  Read on.........

Today the Dayton Daily News published the winning entries in the
Erma Bombeck Writing Competition.

Rated PG Dispatcher's Genuine 911 Call of the Year

Woman:

Rated G Tom in Montana

Rated PG Michele

Rated G

Rated G

Rated G Phil

Rated G

Rated G

Rated G This Story is in circulation on the Web. I guess it's true until proven false.

Rated G Strode on Internet

BUNNY FUNNY

Rated G Faye in Kingston, Ontario

WORKER DEAD AT DESK FOR 5 DAYS --

Rated G Philip in Las Vegas

Rated G AJS in Old Lyme, CT

Rated G Sue Bee

Rated G

Rated G

Rated G Kathy in Birmingham

Rated G John in Springfield

Rated G

Rated G Tim in Colorado

Rated G Sue Bee

Ransacked

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Rated G beenthere

Hold that thought

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Rated G Randie in Scotland

Rated G Donna in San Diego

Rated G Michele in Arizona

Rated G Michele

Rated G Beverly in Rochester

Rated G Lorraine

Rated G Judy In Frisco

Rated G Michele

A story today on Foxnews.com...

Rated G Nine Famous Irishmen

Submitted by Scott S.

Rated G Anonymous Author

Rated G Barb in Ohio

Rated G Sue Bee

User Error

Rated G Michele

Rated G B.B.

Rated G Philip in New Orleans

Rated G Michele

Rated G Carol in Rochester

Rated G Rory in Cleveland

Rated G George in Chicago

Rated G Captain Silver

Rated G

MEATBALL MARAUDERS

Rated G Lorraine

CAKES AND ALE

Rated G

Actual News Story---Stiff Discipline After Schoolboys' Viagra Prank

Rated G blue_meanie

True Story

Rated G Lorraine

Rated G Michele

Rated G Ken in Austin

Rated G LAS in CT.

----- HUNTERS THIS IS GREAT!!!!!

This is from a radio program, a true report of an incident in Wisconsin:

Rated PG Michele

Based on a true ER story.No idiot in his spare time could dream
this one up.

Rated G Lorraine

Rated G

Rated G alanv71

Rated G Arnold in Batavia NY

Rated G

Rated G B.B.

New Milford, Connecticut (AP):

Rated G Eugene in Iowa

Rated G Hank in Simi Valley

Answers to questions you never asked.

Rated G Michele

Rated G Caroline in Kentucky

Rated G Name Changed to protect the embarrased

Rated G George in Iowa

Rated G Sandy in Kansas

Rated G Sally in Beantown

Rated G Michele

Rated G Lorraine

Rated G Judy

Rated G Richard

Rated G George in South Carolina

Rated G Lorraine

Rated G

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Rated G Michele

Rated G

Rated G Uncle Bubba

A POSSUM STORY

Rated G Reported by Michele

Rated R Michele

Rated G Nancy in Dallas

Rated PG Alan71

True story.

Rated G Lorraine

Rated G George in Jamestown

Rated G Michael in Newport

Rated G B.B.

Rated G

Rated G Maggie

Rated G George

Rated G Sweet Caroline

Rated G Beverly

Rated G Dennis

Rated PG Michele

Rated G Lorraine

Rated G Alan

Rated G Ed in Aurora

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Rated G Evelyn

Rated G Michele

DUBLIN, Ireland

Rated G Lorraine

Rated G George

Rated G Brian in San Francisco

Rated G Michele

Rated G Louise

Rated G Beverly

Rated G Andrew

Rated G Sandy in Coronado,Ca.

THIS IS THE BEST LAWYER STORY OF THE YEAR, DECADE AND PROBABLY THE CENTURY.

Rated G

Rated G Georgina

Rated G Mary

Rated G Joyce

Rated G Lorraine

Rated G Judi

Rated G Caroline

Rated G Andrew

Rated G Carlton

Rated G Sean

Rated G Tyler

Rated G B.B.

Rated G Lorraine

Rated G Andrew

Rated G Michele

Rated G

This Cop A Reward!!

Rated G Justin

Rated G Human Interest Story

Rated G Dennis In Yonkers

Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die.

Rated G

Background: [Stephen Rice, a Seattle man, is charged with shooting at the windows of a local Exxon station. Jonathan Love is the prosecutor for the case]

(From the Seattle Post-Intelligencer, page B1, Wednesday, April 19th:)

Rated PG True Sory from Texas

Rated G Michele

Rated G Harry "O"

Rated PG

Man Stops Carjacking With Hot Coffee

Rated G

Rat Owners Seek Grooming for Their Pets

Rated G AB

Hummer Limo Carjacked

Rated G Alice

Detroit Man Wakes After EMS Declares Him Dead

Oct-21-2005

Rated G Alice

Serviceman's Wallet Found After 43 Years

October 24, 2005

Rated G Michele

Rated G

POLICE SAY WOMAN USED STOLEN CARD IN LOTTERY

Rated G Lorraine

POSTCARD ARRIVES 50 YEARS LATER

Rated G Old but Interesting

Rated G Sue Bee

Bizarre news - Lewis

Rated G Chris

True storys about medieval times.

What knowledge did medieval people have in the way of health?

Rated G cutie pa2ti

TRUE...

Question:

Rated G BostonBlackie

Rated G

Rated G B.B.

Rated G B.B.

Rated G B.B.

NASA

Rated G B.B.

An Amazing Story

Rated G alanv71

This happened at our footy ground.....

Rated G Lorraine

TEEN TRAPS HIMSELF IN FOLDAWAY BED

Rated G Nancy Blue Eyes

Rated G B.B.

Rated G Georgia

Rated R

WANTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER (The actual AP headline)

Rated PG Lorraine

Rated G Lorraine

Rated X

Rated G Diana

Rated G Lorraine

Rated G Lorraine

Rated G Lorraine

Rated G Lorraine

Rated G Lorraine

Rated G Julie Ann

Rated G B.B.

Rated G Silvie C Newmarket Ontario

The housecoat

Rated G Lorraine

Rated G Mr. Belser

A Human Interest Story

Rated G

Heartwarming Story

Rated G Sandy in Coronado

SHERIFF JOE IS AT IT AGAIN

Rated G Sandy in Coronado, Ca.



THE UNITED STATES ONE DOLLAR BILL

Rated G Ed in Aurora, Ont.

Rated G Drew

Rated G Lorraine

MAN SWALLOWS DIAMOND RING ALONG WITH ITS TAG (March 29, 2007)

Rated G Lorraine

THE RED SPOT

Rated G Tony in Old Lyme

Return to Sender...

Rated G Lorraine

MAN WHO HID KNIVES IN PANTS STABS SELF

Rated G lbp

Rated G Lorraine

Rated G WHITE LIE CAKE

Rated G Lorraine

Rated G Lorraine

Rated G Denny in Yonkers

Down Memory Lane

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~THE OLD PHONE ON THE WALL!!!

Rated G TheWhiteRabbit

Rated PG Denny in Yonkers, New York

THE SPOILED UNDER-30 CROWD!!!