Lynn was nursing her baby in a public bathroom when a little girl and the girl's grandmother entered the room.

"What's she doing, grandma?"

"Feeding her baby."

"How?"

"She's feeding her at her breast."

"Grandma, I saw Mommy feeding Daddy like that once. "

Daddy, what's telepathy?

It's when two people are thinking the same thought at the same time.

Like you and mommy?

No, son, when mommy and I are thinking the same thought,that's called coincidence.
 

One night a father was helping his son with his homework.

The father asked, "What is the Gross National Product?".

The little boy pondered for a minute and replied,

"Brocoli?"
 

My husband is an Army helicopter pilot, and we never seem to live in one place for very long.

Typically, during a move, we stay in a hotel until we can find a permanent place to have our things delivered.

Our children enjoy this greatly, although sometimes itcan be a bit confusing for them. One day, as we were driving down an interstate and passed a Holiday Inn, our three-year-old squeaked in excitement from the backseat.

"Look!" he exclaimed. "There's our old house!"

Teenagers and cats For all of you with teenagers or who have had teenagers, you may want to know why they really have a lot in common with cats:

1. Neither teenagers nor cats turn their heads when you call them by name.

2. No matter what you do for them, it is not enough. Indeed, all humane efforts are barely adequate to compensate for the privilege of waiting on them hand and foot.

3. You rarely see a cat walking outside of the house with an adult human being, and it can be safely said that no teenager in his or her right mind wants to be seen in public with his or her parents.

4. Even if you tell jokes as well as Jay Leno, neither your cat nor your teen will ever crack a smile.5. No cat or teenager shares you taste in music.

6. Cats and teenagers can lie on the living-room sofa for hours on end without moving, barely breathing.

7. Cats have nine lives. Teenagers carry on as if they did.

8. Cats and teenagers yawn in exactly the same manner, communicating that ultimate human ecstasy -- a sense of complete and utter boredom.

9. Cats and teenagers do not improve anyone's furniture.

10. Cats that are free to roam outside sometimes have been known to return in the middle of the night to deposit a dead animal in your bedroom.

Teenagers are not above that sort of behavior.Thus, if you must raise teenagers, the best sources of advice are not other parents, but veterinarians.

It is also a good idea to keep a guidebook on cats at hand at all times. And remember, above all else, put out the food and do not make any sudden moves in their direction.

When they make up their minds, they will finally come to you for some affection and comfort, and it will be a triumphant moment for all concerned.
 

A little boy and girl are playing in a sandbox.

The little boy has to go to take a pee and he was told by his mother to always by polite and don't talk about private matters in public.

At first he holds it in for a little while because he does not know what to say to the little girl to excuse himself. Then he remembers what his Mom had said at the restaurant to excuse herself from the table.

So he turns to the little girl and says, "Will you excuse me I have to go powder my nose."And saying that, he leaps out of the sandbox and runs to the washroom.

When he comes back the little girl looks up at him and asks, "Did you powder your nose?""Yes," said the little boy stepping back into the sandbox.

"Well then," says the little girl, "You'd better close your purse because your lipstick is hanging out."
 

During a dinner party, the hosts' two little children entered the dining room totally nude and walked slowly around the table. The parents were so embarrassed that
they pretended nothing was happening and kept the conversation going.

The guests co-operated and also continued as if nothing was happening. After going all the way around the room, the children left.

As they disappeared out of sight, there was a moment of silence at the table, during which one child was heard to say, "You see, it IS vanishing cream!"
 

After teaching piano for a few years, I learned how the younger folk can sometimes get words twisted around.

One year, we had scheduled a recital at the First Presbyterian Church in town.

One bright 8 year old girl (who about that time invented a commode for handicapped
people that appeared in Florida's Epcott Center) asked me, "Is the recital at the First Prostitution Church?"

 

When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover.

The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter - haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"
 

WHO SCRATCHED THE CAR??

Dad---Son, come in here, we need to talk.

Son---What's up, Dad?

Dad---There's a scratch down the side of the car.Did you do it?

Son---I don't believe, if I understand the definition of "scratch the car", that I can say, truthfully, that I scratched the car.

Dad---Well, it wasn't there yesterday, and you drove the car last night, and no one else has driven it since. How can you explain the scratch?

Son---Well, as I've said before, I have no recollection of scratching the car. While it is true that I did take the car out last night, I did not scratch it.

Dad---But your sister Monica, has told me she saw you back the car against the mailbox at the end of the driveway, heard a loud scraping sound, saw you get out to examine the car,and then drive away. So again, I'll ask you, did you scratch the car?

Son---Oh, you mean you think you have evidence to prove I scratched it. Well, you see, I understand you to mean did "I" scratch the car. I stand by my earlier statement, that I did not scratch the car.

Dad---Are you trying to tell me you didn't drive the car into the mailbox?

Son---Well, you see sir, I was trying to drive the car into the street. I mishandled the steering of the car, and it resulted in direct contact with the mailbox, though that was clearly not my intent.

Dad---So you are then saying that you did hit themailbox?

Son---No sir, that's not my statement. I'll refer you back to my original statement that I did not scratch the car.

Dad---But the car did hit the mailbox, and the car did get scratched as a result of this contact?

Son---Well, yes, I suppose you could look at it that way.

Dad---So you lied to me when you said you did not scratch the car?

Son---No. No, that's not correct. Your question was, "Did I scratch the car?" From a strict legal definition, as I understood the meaning of that sentence, I did not scratch the car...the mailbox did...I was merely present when the scratching occurred. So my answer of "NO"when you asked, "Did I scratch the car" was legally correct, although I did not volunteer information.

Dad---Son, you are such a slick talker you're either gonna wind up as a lawyer or President.

 

A man noticed a woman in the grocery store with a three-year-old girl in her cart.

As they passed the cookie section, the little girl asked for cookies and her mother told her no.

The little girl immediately began to have a conniption, and the mother said quietly, "Now Missy, we just have half of the aisles left to go through - don't be upset. It won't be long."

In the candy aisle, the little girl began to shout for treats. When mom said she couldn't have any, she began to kick her mother and scream.

The mother said softly, "There, there, Missy, don't cry - only two more aisles to go and then we'll be checking out."

When they got to the checkout stand, the little brat immediately began to reach for the gum and freaked out when her mom said she couldn't have any.

The mother patiently said, "Missy, we'll be through this checkout stand in five minutes and then you can go home and have a bottle and a nice snooze."

The man followed them out to the parking lot and stopped the woman to compliment her. "I couldn't help noticing how patient you were with little Missy," he said.

The mother sighed and replied, "Oh, no, my little girl's name is Francine - I'm Missy."
 

Mom was cleaning the house when she found her son's hidden stash of S&M and sexual bondage magazines.

Naturally, she was very upset and she didn't know what to do.

So, she waited until her husband got home to discuss it with him. After she showed him the magazines, she asked him,"Well, what are you going to do about it?"

"I don't know what to do." he told her. "I really don't think I should give him a spanking for this!"
 

Bill Gates' SPEECH TO MT. WHITNEY HIGH SCHOOL in Visalia, California.

Worthwhile reading for anyone. Love him or hate him, he sure hits the nail on the head with this! To anyone with kids of any age, or anyone who has ever been a kid, here's some advice Bill Gates recently dished out at a high school speech about 11 things they did not and will not learn in school.
He talks about how feel-good, politically correct teachings created a generation of kids with no concept of reality and how this concept set them up for failure in the real world.

Rule 1: Life is not fair - get used to it

Rule 2: The world won't care about your self-esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself.

Rule 3: You will NOT make $40,000 a year right out of high school. You won't be a vice-president with a car phone until you earn both.

Rule 4: If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss.

Rule 5: Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your grandparents had a different word for burger flipping -they called it opportunity.

Rule 6: If you mess up, it's not your parents' fault, so don't whine about your mistakes, learn from them.

Rule 7: Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as they are now. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and listening to you talk about how cool you are. So before you save the rain forest from the parasites of your parents' generation, try delousing the closet in your own room.

Rule 8: Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but life has not. In some schools, they have abolished failing grades and they'll give you as many times as you want to get the right answer. This doesn't bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.

Rule 9: Life is not divided into semesters. You don't get summers off and very few employers are interested in helping you find yourself. Do that on your own time!

Rule 10: Television is NOT real life. In real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.

Rule 11: Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.
 

What Does Love Mean?......from the mouths of young children

"Love is that first feeling you feel before all the bad stuff gets in the way."

"When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint her toe nails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That's love.

"Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other."

"Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs."

"Love is what makes you smile when you're tired."

"Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK."

"Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more. My mommy and Daddy are like that. They look gross when they kiss."

"Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen."

"If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate."

"Love is hugging. Love is kissing. Love is saying no."

"When you tell someone something bad about yourself and you're scared they won't love you anymore. But then you get surprised because not only do they still love you, they love you even more."

"There are two kinds of love Our love and God's love. But God makes both kinds of them."

"Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday."

"Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well."

"During my piano recital, I was on a stage and scared. I looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling. He was the only one doing that. I wasn't scared anymore."

"My mommy loves me more than anybody. You don't see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night."

"Love is when mommy gives daddy the best piece of chicken."

"Love is when mommy sees daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redford."

"Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day."

"I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones."

"I let my big sister pick on me because my Mom says she only picks on me because she loves me. So I pick on my baby sister because I love her."

"Love cards like Valentine's cards say stuff on them that we'd like to say ourselves, but we wouldn't be caught dead saying."

"When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you."

"Love is when mommy sees daddy on the toilet and she doesn't think it's gross."

"God could have said magic words to make the nails fall off the cross,but.............. He didn't. That's love."

"Love is when someone hurts you. And you get so mad but you don't yell at them because you know it would hurt their feelings."

"When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You know that your name is safe in their mouth."

"You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget."
 

CHILDREN:

1. You spend the first two years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 telling them to sit down and shut-up.

2. Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your children.

3. Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like clearing the driveway before it has stopped snowing.

4. There is only one pretty child in the world and every mother has it.(Chinese Proverb)

5. Mothers of teens know why animals eat their young.

6. I asked Mom is I was a gifted child...she said they certainly wouldn't have paid for me.

7. Children are natural mimics, who act like their parents despite every effort to teach them good manners.

8. Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.

9. The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own.

10. We child proofed our home 3 years ago and they're still getting in!
 

My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandpa, do you know how you and God are alike?"

I mentally polished my halo while I asked, "No, how are we alike?"

"You're both old," he replied.
 

A young lad was out with his dad in the park when he spotted a woman about to breastfeed her baby. She unbuttoned her blouse, rolled out a very large breast
and popped the rosy nipple into the child's mouth.

"Dad! What's that woman doing to that baby?" the lad asked.

"Relax, mate. She's just feeding him," the father replied.

"Get outta here!" the boy, exclaimed. "There's no way he'll eat all of that!"
 

"Sir, your daughter says she loves me, and she can't live without me, and she wants to marry me."

"And you're asking my permission to marry her?"

"No, I'm asking you to make her leave me alone."
 

The farm had been mortgaged, and gladly, to give daughter a college education.

Now, driving home from the station after meeting her at the train, farmer Johnson was greatly disturbed when his daughter whispered, "I have a confession to make, Paw - I ain't a virgin no more."

The old man shook his head sadly. "After all the sacrifices your Maw and I made to give you a good education, you still say ain't!"
 

What do you call a Mexican child abuser?

Peedy Gonzalez.
 

One day my eight year old son and my neighbors daughter walked up to me as I was hanging up wash on the backyard clothes line.

As they stood there holding hands, my son asks, "Mommy, can Patty and I get married?"

Well as I tried to keep from laughing, I answered him, "Bradley,you and Patty are too little to get married".

Thinking that this was a good answer, I returned to hanging up laundry.

"But Mommy, Patty and I just want a little wedding".
 

I work in a pharmacy and a lot of customers(men) bring in prescriptions for "viagra" to be filled.

My daughter and I were in the grocery store one day and a man that comes into the pharmacy asked me out loud "when are you going to give me some viagra"?

My daughter , of course heard him and asked me what that was. I did not know what to say to her and just changed the subject.

She then answered to me "I know what it is"......It is medicine to make you poop!!!

I said yes trying to hold back from cracking up!!!

She is 10 years old and to this day, she tells all of our family members what viagra is...!!!!
 

A Frenchwoman took her little daughter to the Louvre where they saw a statue of a nude male.

"What is that?" asked the child pointing to the penis.

"Nothing, nothing at all, Cherie," replied the mother.

"I want one," said the child.

The mother tried to focus her daughter's attention on a more suitable subject, but
the little girl persisted.

"I want one just like that," she kept repeating.

At last the mother said, "If you are a good girl and stop thinking about it now, when you grow up, you will have one."

"And if I'm bad?" asked the little one.

"Then," sighed the mother, "You will have many."
 

The Cost of a Child

The government recently calculated the cost of raising achild from birth to 18 and came up with $160,140.00 for a middle-income family.Talk about sticker shock. That doesn't even touch college tuition. For those with kids, that figure leads to wild fantasies about all the things we could have bought, all the places we could have traveled, all the money we could have banked if not for (insert child's name here). For others, that number might confirm the decision to remain childless.

But $160,140.00 isn't so bad if you break it down. It translates into $8,896.66 a year, $741.38 a month or $171.08 a week. That's a mere $24.44 a day. Just over a dollar an hour. Still, you might think the best financial advice says don't have children if you want to be rich.

It's just the opposite. There's no way to put a price tag on: Feeling a new life move for the first time and seeing the bump of a knee rippling across your skin.Having someone cry, "It's a boy!" or shout, "It's a girl!" then hearing the baby wail and knowing all that matters is it's healthy.Counting all 10 fingers and toes for the first time.Feeling the warmth of fat cheeks against your breast.Cupping an entire head in the palm of your hand.Making out da da or ma ma from all the cooing and gurgling.

What do you get for your $160,140.00?Naming rights. First, middle and last. Glimpses of God every day.Giggles under the covers every night.More love than your heart can hold.Butterfly kisses and Velcro hugs.Endless wonder over rocks, ants, clouds and warm cookies.A hand to hold, usually covered with jam.A partner for blowing bubbles, flying kites, buildingsandcastles and skipping down the sidewalk in the pouring rain.Someone to laugh yourself silly with no matter what the boss said or how your stocks performed that day.

For $160,140.00, you never have to grow up.You get to finger-paint, carve pumpkins, play hide-and-seek, catch lightning bugs and never stop believing in Santa Claus.
You have an excuse to keep reading the adventures of Piglet and Pooh, watching Saturday morning cartoons, going to Disney movies and wishing on stars.

You get to frame rainbows, hearts and flowers underrefrigerator magnets and collect spray-painted noodle wreaths for Christmas, hand prints set in clay for Mother's Day and cards with backward letters for Father's Day.

For $160,140.00, there's no greater bang for your buck.You get to be a hero just for retrieving a Frisbee off the garage roof, taking the training wheels off the bike, removing a sliver, filling the wading pool, coaxing a wad of gum out of bangs and coaching a baseball team that never wins but always gets treated to ice cream regardless.

You get a front-row seat to history to witness the firststep, first word, first date, first time behind the wheel.

You get to be immortal. You get another branch added to your family tree, and if you're lucky, a long list of limbs in your obituary called grandchildren.

You get an education in psychology, nursing, criminaljustice, communications and human sexuality no college can match.

In the eyes of a child, you rank right up there with God.

You have the power to heal a boo-boo, scare away monstersunder the bed, patch a broken heart, police a slumber party, ground them forever and love them without limits, so one day they will like you.

Love without counting the cost.
 

"Can people predict the future with cards?"

"My mother can."

"Really?"

"Yes, she takes one look at my report card and tells me what will happen when my father gets home"

 

A father was approached by his small son, who told him proudly, "I know what the Bible means!"

His father smiled and replied, "What do you mean, you 'know' what the Bible means?"

The son replied, "I do know!"

"Okay," said his father. "So, son, what does the Bible mean?"

B---Basic
I---Instructions
B---Before
L---Leaving
E---Earth

 

Two fathers at this club were discussing their daughters in their respective families. "What do you think?" said one. Should I send my daughter to college or not?"

"Well, I'll tell you my experience. It may help you to decide. It cost me three thousand dollars a semester to sent Penelope tcollege, and it took her four years to capture a husband.

I spent a thousand to send Alice to the beach for three weeks, and she came home married. I recommend the beach." :|

One afternoon my little kindergardener got home from school and said, "Mommy I got in trouble for something I didn't do."

So I asked," Well, what didn't you do?"

She looked upset. "I didn't do my homework."
 

My daughter Kara says: (nwod esion taht nruT)

If the religious fanatics are so worried about(trohs oot si triks tahT) Satanic backward masked messages being inserted into pop records, why (moor ruoy ydiT) don't they makeup their own books, pop records, televisionprograms (kcolc'o net erofeb ereh kcab eB)
and Internet jokes and put their own backward(dehsinif krowemoh ruoy teG) masked messages into them.

A 7-year-old grandson surprised this little grandmother one morning. He had made her coffee. She drank what was the worst cup of coffee in her life.

When she got to the bottom, there were three of those little green army men in the cup. She said, "Honey, what are these army men doing in my coffee?"

Her grandson said, "Grandma, it says on TV 'The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup!'"

A father asked his five-year-old son just what he thought he did to earn a weekly allowance.

"Well, for one thing," replied the boy, "I keep your wife occupied all day."
 

My next door neighbor and I frequently borrow things from each other. Not long ago, when I requested his ladder, he told me he had lent it to his son.

Recalling a saying my grandmother used to repeat, I recited, "You should never lend anything to your kids because you will never get it back."

With that, he responded, "Well, it's not even my ladder. It's my dad's."
 

One hot summer day my husband and I were cleaning a fan that had been in storage for the winter. We took it apart and thoroughly cleaned it. After we put it back together we were looking for an outlet to plug it in to my husband said " where are we gonna hook this up at?"

After over-hearing this my 4 year old son came out of his bedroom and said "Daddy I have a hooker for you!"

My parents put us to sleep by tossing us up in the air.

Of course, you have to have low ceilings for this method to work.
 

One day, a little girl is sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink.

She suddenly notices that her mother has several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast to her brunette hair.

She looks at her mother and inquisitively asks, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"

Her mother replied, "Well, every time that a little girl does somethingwrong and makes her mommy cry or makes her unhappy, one of her hairs turns white."

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and said: "You must have really pissed off Grandma."
 

I took my daughter to the doctor for her 2-year-old check.

They had her do coordination tests, like stacking blocks, and they watch and see if they walk properly. And then the doctor said, "Allison, can you stand on one foot for me?"

So she walked over and stood on his foot.
 

My daughter-in-law Alma and grandson Eddy were digging for fishing bait in my garden. Uncovering a many-legged creature, Eddy proudly dangled it before his mother.

"No, honey, he won't do for bait," his mother said. "He's not an earthworm." ..... "He's not?" Eddy asked, his eyes wide. "What planet is he from?"

One day my brother's wife went shopping and left him in charge of their 3 year-old daughter.

As he was watching the football game, his daughter was playing "tea party" and she was bringing him little cups of water to drink.

He would drink the "pretend tea" telling her it was really good. It wasn't until the third quarter of the football game that my brother realized that she was too young to reach the faucet in the bathroom from which she was bringing the water.

A teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with a see through blouse on and no bra. Her grandmother just pitched a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that!

The teenager tells her "Loosen up Grams. These are modern times. You got let your rosebuds show!" and out she goes.

The next day the teenager comes downstairs, and the grandmother is sitting here with no top on. The teenager wants to die. She explains to her grandmother that she has friends coming over and that it is just not appropriate...

The grandmother says, "Loosen up, Sweet. If you can show off your rosebuds, then I can display my hanging baskets."

 

A teen-age girl brings her new boyfriend home to meet her parents, who are appalled by his appearance.

He has obscene tattoos and a pierced nose, and is wearing a leather jacket and motorcycle boots.

The parents are nice to the young man, but later take their daughter aside and confess their concern.

"Dear," says the mother diplomatically, "he doesn't seem very nice."

"Mom," the daughter replies confidently, "if he wasn't nice, why would he be doing 500 hours of community service?"
 

Quotes From Kids

My young brother asked me what happens after we die. I told him we get buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies. I guess I should have told him the truth--that most of us go to Hell and burn eternally--but I didn't want to upset him.
Age 10

When I go to heaven, I want to see my grandpa again. But he better have lost the nose hair and the old-man smell.
Age 11

I once heard the voice of God. It said, "Vrrrrmmmmmm." Unless it was just a lawn mower.
Age 11

Whenever I start getting sad about where I am in my life, I thing
about the last words of my favorite uncle: "A truck!"
Age 15

It sure would be nice if we got a day off for the president's
birthday, like they do for the queen. Of course, then we would have a lot of people voting for a candidate born on July 3 or December 26, just for the long weekends.
Age 8

Home is where the house is.
Age 6

Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my
teacher. That is, I used to, until she got an unlisted number.
Age 15

It would be terrible if the Red Cross Bloodmobile got into an accident. No, wait. That would be good because if anyone needed it, the blood would be right there.
Age 5

For centuries, people thought the moon was made of green cheese.
Then the astronauts found that the moon is really a big hard rock. That's what happens to cheese when you leave it out.
Age 6

I gaze at the brilliant full moon. The same one, I think to myself, at which Socrates, Aristotle, and Plato gazed. Suddenly, I imagine they appear beside me. I tell Socrates about the national debate over one's right to die and wonder at the constancy of the human condition. I tell Plato that I live in the country that has come the closest to Utopia, and I show him a copy of the Constitution. I tell Aristotle that we have found many more than four basic elements and I show him a periodic table. I get a box of kitchen matches and strike one. They gasp with wonder. We spend the rest of the night lighting farts.
Age 15

If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize world peace for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would be until the looting started.
Age 15

 

Dear Mom and Dad,

Our scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and were worried. We are OK. Only one of our tents and two sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of usgot drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Chad when it happened.

Oh yes, please call Chad's mother and tell her he is OK. He can't write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search and rescue jeeps. It was neat. We never would have found him in the dark if it wasn't for the lightning. Scoutmaster Walt got mad at Chad for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Chad said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him. Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas can will blow up? The wet wood didn't burn, but one of the tents did. Also some of our clothes. John is going to look weird until his hair grows back.

We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Walt gets the car fixed. It wasn't his fault about the wreck. The brakes worked OK when we left. Scoutmaster Walt said that a car that old you have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance. We think it's a neat car. He doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if it's hot, sometimes he lets usride on the fenders.

It gets pretty hot with 10 people in a car. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the highway patrolman stopped and talked to us. Scoutmaster Walt is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Terry how to drive on the mountain roads where there isn't any traffic. All we eversee up here is logging trucks.

This morning, all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out in the lake. Scoutmaster Walt wouldn't let me because I can't swim, and Chad was afraid he would sink because of his cast, so he let us take the canoe across the lake. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood.

Scoutmaster Walt isn't crabby like somescoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about the lifejackets. He has to spend alot of the time working on the car so we are trying not to cause him any trouble.

Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Dave dove in the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how a tourniquet works. Wade and I threw up, but Scoutmaster Waltsaid it probably was just food poisoning from the leftover chicken. He said they got sick that way with food they ate in prison. I'm so glad he got out and became our scoutmaster. He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time. By the way, what is a pedophile?

I have to go now. We are going to town to mail our letters and buy bullets. Don't worry about anything. We are fine.

Love, Brandon

P.S.: How long has it been since I had a tetanus shot?

A young father watched adoringly as his small daughter played in the garden. Suddenly she stopped and stared at the ground.

Curious, he approached and saw that she was watching two spiders mating.

"What are they doing daddy", she asked.

"They're mating" he replied.

"What do you call the one on top daddy?

"That's a Daddy Longlegs", he said.

"Well then, is the other one a Mommy Longlegs"?

"No, they're both Daddy Longlegs".

A strange look came over her face, she suddenly raised a foot and stomped them flat. "Well, we're not having that kinda shit in MY garden".
 

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?

You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.

--Alan, age 10

No person really decides before they Grow up who they're going to marry.God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.

--Kirsten, age 10

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?

Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.

--Camille, age 10

No age is good to get married at. You Got to be a fool to get married.

--Freddie, age 6

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?

You might have to guess, based on Whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.

--Derrick, age 8

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?

Both don't want any more kids.

--Lori, age 8

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?

Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.

--Lynnette, age 8

On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.

--Martin, age 10

WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?

I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.

--Craig, age 9

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

When they're rich.

--Pam, age 7

The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.

--Curt, age 7

The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.

--Howard, age 8

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?

I don't know which is better, but I'll tell you one thing. I'm never going to have sex with my wife. I don't want to be all grossed out.

--Theodore, age 8

Its better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them. --Anita, age 9

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?

There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?

--Kelvin, age 8

"And the #1 Favorite is........"

HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?

Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck.

--Ricky, age 10

 

How true this can be...

15 PIECES OF ADVICE TO BE PASSED ON TO YOUR DAUGHTERS

1. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.

2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks-out? You shut the door.

3. If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all up there.

4. Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out alone.

5. Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway.

6. Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart.

7. Definition of a bachelor; a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.

8. Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types.

9. Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest he is too old for it.

10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.

12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.

13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him checkbooks.

14. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his.

15. Sadly, all men are created equal.

 

I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet,! so I decided to test her.

I would point out something and ask what color it was.

She would tell me and always she was correct.

But it was fun for me, so I continued.

At last, she headed for the door, saying sagely, "Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these yourself!"

 

In the supermarket was a man pushing a cart that contained a screaming, bellowing baby.

The gentleman kept repeating softly, "Don't get excited, Albert; don't scream, Albert; don't yell, Albert; keep calm, Albert."

A woman standing next to him said, "You certainly are to be commended for trying to soothe your son, Albert."

The man looked at her and said, "Lady, I'm Albert."
 

A three-year-old boy went with his dad to see a new litter of kittens.

On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother, "There were two boy kittens and two girl kittens."

"How did you know that?" his mother asked.

"Daddy ! picked them up and looked underneath," he replied. "I think it's printed on the bottom."
 

An elderly man took his little grandson for a walk around the local cemetery. Pausing before one gravestone he said, "There lies a very honest man. He died owing me 50 dollars, but he struggled to the end to pay off his debts, and if anyone has gone to heaven, he has."

They walked on a bit further and then came to another grave. The old man pointed to the gravestone and said, "Now there's a different type of man altogether. He owed me 60 dollars and he died without ever trying to pay me back. If anyone has gone to hell, he has."

The little boy thought for a while and then said, "You know,Grandpa, you are very lucky."

"Why?" asked the old man in surprise.

"Well,whichever place you go to, you'll have some money to draw on."
:

A 5-year-old develops a strong interest in spelling.

One day she's working with pencil and pad at the kitchen table and asks her mother, "Mom, what does FGRPL spell?"

"Nothing," the mother says.

A few minutes later: "Mom, what does DOEB spell?"

"Nothing," the mother answers.

This goes on for an hour or more. Then she asks, "Mom, what does LMDZ spell?"

The mother smiles at the child again and says, "Nothing, sweetheart."

The little girl carefully sets down her pencil, sighs and says, "Boy, there sure are a lot of ways to spell 'nothing.'"
 

My wife told our 5 year old to put on clean underwear every day, and hedid just as he was told.

At the end of the week he had on five pairs.

One day, Gramma sent her grandson Peter down to the water hole to get some water for cooking dinner. As he was dipping the bucket in, he saw two big eyes looking back at him. He dropped the bucket and hightailed it for Gramma's kitchen.

"Now, where's my bucket and my water?" Gramma asked him.

"I can't get any water from that water hole, Gramma" cried Peter."There's a BIG ol' alligator down there!

"Now don't you mind that ol' alligator, Peter. He's been there for a few years now, and he's never hurt no one. Why, he's probably as scared of you as you are of him!"

"Well, Gramma," replied Peter, "If he's as scared of me as I am of him, then that water ain't fit to drink!"

 

As I was trying to pack for vacation, my 3-year-old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed.

At one point, she said, "Mommy, look at this," and stuck out two of her fingers.

Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her fingers in my mouth and said, "Mommy gonna eat your fingers!" pretending to eat them before I rushed out of the room again.

When I returned, my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face.

I said, "What's wrong honey?"

"Mommy, where's my booger?"
 

A good friend of mine warned me that, as my three daughters became old enough to date, I'd disapprove of every young man who took them out.

When the time came, I was pleased that my friend's prediction was wrong. Each boy was pleasant and well-mannered. Talking to my daughter Joanna one day, I said that I liked all the young men she and her sisters brought home."You know, Dad," she replied, "we don't show you everybody."
 

Son: Dad, what is an idiot?

Dad: An idiot is a person who tries to explain his ideas in such
a strange and long way, making everything so complicated and
trying to sound intelligent, that another person who is listening
to him can't understand him. Do you understand me?

Son: No.

 

My six year old Grand Daughter lost her first tooth, and her mother told her if she would put under her pillow, the tooth fairy would leave her some money for it by morning.

Her mom forgot about it, and the next morning Susie come running down the stairs mad as hell and said "Mama, that tooth faggot didn't even leave me a cent!"

He's a pretty hip guy with his own car.

When he goes to the front door, the girl's father answers and invites him in. "Carrie's not ready yet. Why don't you have a seat?,"

Carrie's father asks Bobby what they're planning to do.

Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie.

"Why don't you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it!"

Naturally, this comes as a quite a surprise to Bobby so he asks Carrie's dad to please repeat himself.

"Yeah," says Carrie's father, "Carrie really likes to screw; she'll screw all night if we let her!"

A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces that she's ready to go.

Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door.

About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father: "Dad, it's called the twist!"
 

While I was shopping in the mall with my three children, a display in the window of a lingerie store caught my eye. "Do you think Daddy would like this?" I asked the kids, as I pointed to the lacy pajamas with matching robe.

"No way," my horrified six-year-old son replied. "Daddy would NEVER wear that!"

 

It was Halloween and the neighborhood was alive with Trick-Or-Treater's. I opened the door to find a little guy standing there all decked out in a very nice pirate costume.

"Oh how cute," I cooed. "A little pirate." "Where are your buccaneers?"

"Under me buckin' hat," he replied without missing a beat.

 

Dear Dad,

$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard.

With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.

Love,
Your $on.
 

"Hey, Dad, can you write in the dark?"

"I think so, son. What is it you want me to write?"

"Oh, just your name on this report card."

 

A family had twin boys whose only resemblance to each other was their looks. If one felt it was too hot, the other thought it was too cold.If one said the t.v. was too loud, the other claimed the volume needed to be turned up. They were opposite in every way. One was an eternal optimist, the other a doom-and-gloom pessimist.

Just to see what would happen, on Christmas, their father loaded the pessimist's room with every imaginable toy and game. The optimist's room he loaded with horse manure.

That night, the father passed by the pessimist's room and found his son sitting amid his new gifts crying bitterly.

"Why are you crying?" the father asked.

"Because my friends will be jealous. I'll have to read all these instructions before I can do anything with this stuff. I'll constantly need batteries, and my toys will eventually get broken," answered the pessimist twin.

Passing the optimist twin's room, the father found his son dancing for joy in the pile of manure.

"What are you so happy about?" the father asked.

The optimist twin replied, "There's got to be a pony in here somewhere!"

 

Two little boys were engaging in the time honored tradition of a verbal battle like little boys all over the world.

"My father is better than your father!"
"No, he's not!"
"My brother is better than your brother!"
"He is not! He is not!!!"
"My mother is better than your mother!"

A long pause ensured...

"Well, I guess ya got me there. I've heard my father say the
same thing more than once."

 

A little boy about the age of ten had a real bad stuttering problem.

He also had another problem: His father had a scanner and he could never tell his father any gossip that was going on in his neighborhood first. His dad always heard it first on the scanner.

One day the little boy was walking home from school and he saw a car crash.

He thought to himself, "Dad can't know about this yet." So he ran just as fast as he could home. "DDDDAAAADD!!!! CCAARR CCRRAASHH down the rrrrooad."

His dad replied, "Sorry son, already heard it on the scanner."

Son: "ffffucckiing sccanner"

The following day the little boy was walking home from school again and saw a house was on fire.

He thought, "Dad can't know about this yet." So he ran just as fast as he could home. "DDDDAADD!!! HHOUSSE on FFFIRE DDown the RROad."

Dad: "Sorry son, already heard it on the scanner."

Son: "fffuckkinng sccccanner"

A couple days went by. The little boy was walking down the road as he sees a pig on a neighbors lawn.

He thought to himself, "I'll get dad this time!!!" So he run up to the pig and he screws it.

When he is finished he runs home as fast as he could. Son: "DDAAD, LLOst mmmy virrrgginitty ttoday."

Dad: "In a pig's ass you did."

Son: "FFFuucckinnng SSCcanner!!!"
 

A little girl was out with her Grandmother when they came across a couple of dogs mating on the sidewalk.

"What are they doing, Grandma?" asked the little girl.

The grandmother was embarrassed, so she said, "The dog on top has hurt his paw, and the one underneath is carrying him to the doctor."

"They're just like people, aren't they Grandma?" said the little one.

"How do you mean?" asked the Grandma.

"Offer someone a helping hand," said the little girl, "and they screw you every time!"


 

A high school student came home from school seeming rather depressed.

"What's the matter, son," asked his mother.

"Aw, gee," said the boy. "It's my grades. They're all wet."

"What do you mean 'all wet?'"

"I mean," he replied, "below C-level."

"Grandma, when you and Grandpa had your first baby, did Grandpa ever handle the middle-of-the-night feeding?"

"No. I always did that."

"That must have been before you had women's liberation."

"No, it was before we had baby bottles."

 

Are farts really flammable?

Yes. People WITH more matches than sense try to prove this all the time. Many of them get their body hair singed, or worse. One statistic indicates that close to one-quarter of the people who try this get burned. Methane and hydrogen are both in farts and are both flammable gases. Word has it that the results tend to be yellow or blue flames; however, they can't always be easily seen.

~source used: "Just Curious, Jeeves" by Jack Mingo and Erin Barrett

 

A man scolded his son for being so unruly and the child rebelled
against his father.

He got some of his clothes, his teddy bear andhis piggy bank and proudly announced, 'I'm running away from home!'.

The father calmly decided to look at the matter logically. 'What
if you get hungry?', he said

'Then I'll come home and eat!', bravely declared the child.

'And what if you run out of money?'.

'I will come home and get some!', readily replied the child.

The man then made a final attempt, 'What if your clothes
get dirty?'.

'Then I'll come home and let mommy wash them.', was the reply.

The man shook his head and exclaimed, 'This kid is not running away from home; he's going off to college!!!!!!!'.

 

An Italian named Uncle Vito buys a round of drinks for all in the bar because he announces his wife has just produced "a typical Italian baby boy weighing 25 pounds."

Congratulations showered him from all around, and many exclamations of, "WOW!" were heard. A woman faints due to sympathy pains.

Two weeks later, he returns to the bar. The bartender says, "Say, you're the father of the typical Italian baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth. How much does he weigh now?"

The proud father, Uncle Vito, answered, "Seventeen pounds."

The bartender is puzzled and concerned and asks, "Why? What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds at birth."

The Italian father, Uncle Vito, takes a slow swig from his scotch on the rocks, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans in to the
bartender and proudly says, "We had his hair cut!"

 

My kindergarten-aged daughter suddenly announced just before school that she needed to take a clean tee shirt to class. She told us the teacher was going to iron an anti-drug message on it. My wife frantically swept through my daughter's room, finding nothing usable but one tee shirt that already had something printed on one side. She sent it off to school with my daughter.

That afternoon, my daughter returned and happily showed off her shirt.

On one side it said, "Families are Forever."
And on the other, "Be Smart, Don't Start."

 

School has been in for just a week, and my first grader got home
and said, "Mommy I just can't handle school anymore, cause I
can't read, can't write and now they won't even let me talk!" ;D
 

A young boy had just gotten his driving permit.

He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said to him, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut, then we will talk about it."

A month later the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said, "Son, I'm real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied your Bible diligently, but you didn't get your hair cut!"

The young man waited a moment and replied, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that. I've read in the Bible that Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair."

His father replied, "Yes, Son, and if you read on further you'll find out that they walked everywhere they went!"

 

Our family held a reunion when my mother was 88 years old, with grandchildren and great-grandchildren attending. The talk turned to honeymoons, and my three daughters began to tell about their trips to Las Vegas, Chicago and Niagara Falls.

One of my daughters turned to my mother. "Gramma, where did you go on your honeymoon?" she asked.

Mother never hesitated. "Upstairs!" she said.
 

Selma Telephones Home With Some Exciting News:

"Mama, I got married."

"Mazel tov," says Mama.

"I might as well tell you, Mama, he's not of our faith."

"So he's a goy. But am I prejudiced?"

"But, Mama, he's also black."

"So he's a schvartzeh. By me, everybody should be tolerant."

"Well, frankly, Mama, he's also unemployed."

"So, you'll support him. A wife should help her husband."

"But, Mama, we have no place to live."

"Don't worry, Selma, dear. You'll move in with us."

"But Mama, you have only one bedroom."

"That's okay. You and your husband can have the bedroom."

"Yes, Mama, but where will you and Papa sleep?"

"Papa can sleep on the couch in the living room."

"Yes, Mama, but where will *you* sleep?"

"Selma, dear, about me you don't need to worry. The minute I get off the phone, ... I'm going to drop dead."
 

"What does love mean?"

*****

A group of professional people posed this question to a group of 4
to 8-year-olds, "What does love mean?" The answers they got were
broader and deeper than anyone could have imagined. See what you
think...

"When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and
paint her toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her all
the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That's love."
Rebecca - age 8

"When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different.
You know that your name is safe in their mouth."
Billy - age 4

"Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving
cologne and they go out and smell each other."
Karl - age 5

"Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your
French fries without making them give you any of theirs."
Chrissy - age 6

"Love is what makes you smile when you're tired."
Terri - age 4

"Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a
sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK."
Danny - age 7

"Love is what's in the room with you a Christmas if you stop
opening presents and listen."
Bobby - age 5

"If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a
friend whom you hate."
Nikka - age 6

"There are two kinds of love. Our love. God's love. But God
makes both of them."
Jenny - age 4

"Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it
every day."
Noelle - age 7

"Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are
still friends even after they know each other so well."
Tommy - age 6

"My mommy loves me more than anybody. You don't see anyone else
kissing me to sleep at night."
Clare - age 5

"Love is when mommy gives daddy the best piece of chicken."
Elaine - age 5

"Love is when mommy sees daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he
is handsomer than Robert Redford."
Chris - age 8

"Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him
alone all day."
Mary Ann - age 4

"I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old
clothes and has to go out and buy new ones."
Lauren - age 4

"I let my big sister pick on me because my Mom says she only picks
on me because she loves me. So I pick on my baby sister because I
love her."
Bethany - age 4

"When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little
stars come out of you."
Karen - age 7

"Love is when mommy sees daddy on the toilet and she doesn't think
it's gross."
Mark - age 6

"You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it. But if
you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget."
Jessica - age 8

A newscaster interrupted scheduled programming to announce the outcome of a political election. "More on candidates at 10 P.M.," he said.

My ten-year-old son looked at me in disbelief. "I didn't know they could call politicians 'morons' on national television!" he remarked.

 

MISSING TRAINS:

Blake and his parents were drinking at the bar in a train station
when they heard a whistle. The three of them rushed out of the bar
onto the platform only to discover that they had missed the train.

"The next train is in one hour," said the stationmaster.

The three went back into the bar. The parents had another drink. Blake had a Pepsi.

Again they heard a whistle, rushed out and discovered the train
pulling away.

"Next one is sixty minutes from now!" said the stationmaster.

An hour later, Blake, with his Mom and Dad, raced out onto the
platform, and his parents leaped onto the train as it pulled away.
The boy was left standing on the platform and began to laugh
uproariously.

"Your parents just left you," said the stationmaster. "Why are you
laughing?"

"They came to see me off!"

Children Learn What They Live

If a child lives with criticism, he learns to condemn.

If a child lives with hostility, he learns to fight.

If a child lives with fear, he learns to be apprehensive.

If a child lives with pity, he learns to feel sorry for himself.

If a child lives with ridicule, he learns to be shy.

If a child lives with jealousy, he learns what envy is.

If a child lives with shame, he learns to feel guilty.

If a child lives with tolerance, he learns to be patient.

If a child lives with encouragement, he learns confidence.

If a child lives with praise, he learns to appreciate.

If a child lives with security, he learns to have faith.

If a child lives with acceptance, he learns to love.

If a child lives with approval, he learns to like himself.

If a child lives with recognition, he learns that it is good to have a goal.

If a child lives with sharing, he learns about generosity.

If a child lives with honesty and fairness, he learns what truth and justice are.

If you live with serenity, your child will live with peace of mind

 

The Gracious Host

Having moved into his first apartment, our son invited my husband and me for a visit. As we walked in, our son asked if we'd like a cold drink. Mentally patting myself on the back for teaching him to be such a gracious host, I said, "Yes, what do you have?"

He walked over to the refrigerator, opened the door, studied the
contents, and then replied,

"I have pickle juice or water."

 

Two kids are talking to each other. One says, "I'm really worried. My dad works twelve hours a day to give me a nice home and good food. My mom spends the whole day cleaning and cooking for me. I'm worried sick!"

The other kid says, "What have you got to worry about? Sounds to me like you've got it made!"

The first kid says, "What if they try to escape?"

 

Man (To a doctor): I have an erection problem.

Doc: Do you sleep around?

Man: No.

Doc: Do you have a girlfriend?

Man: No.

Doc: Are you married?

Man: No.

Doc: Then what the hell u need an erection for, hanging your coat?
 

Sue Bee

I was playing tooth fairy when my daughter, Sheila, suddenly woke
up. Seeing the money in my hand, she cried out, "I caught you!"

I froze and tried to think of an explanation for why I, instead of
the tooth fairy, was putting the money under her pillow but her
next words let me off the hook.

"You put that money back!" she said indignantly. "The tooth fairy
left that for me!"

A little boy sneaks up behind a girl. "BOO!" yells the boy.

"Hey!" exclaims the girl, you scared me half out of my pants!"

The boy responds, "BOO BOO BOO BOO BOO BOO!"

 

One day I was driving with my 7 year old granddaughter, and I beeped my horn by mistake.

She turned and looked at me for an explanation.

I said, "I did that by accident."

She replied, "I know that, Grandpa."

I replied, "How did you know?"

She said, "Because you didn't say,"Asshole!" afterwards
 

Little Billy, and his grandfather entered the vacation cabin, and
kept the lights off until they were inside to keep from attracting
pesky insects.

Still, a few fireflies followed them in.

Noticing them before his grandfather did, Little Billy whispered,
"It's no use, Grandpa. The mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights...."

 

A Dad's Day with his Daughter

Just for this morning, I am going to call in sick to work, and pick you up and take you to the park to play.

Just for this morning, I will leave my spreadsheets for another day,
and let you teach me how to put that puzzle of yours together.

Just for this afternoon, I will unplug the telephone and keep the computer off, and sit with you in the backyard and blow bubbles.

Just for this afternoon, I will not yell once, not even a tiny grumble when you scream and whine for the ice cream truck, and I will buy you one if he comes by.

Just for this afternoon, I won't worry about what you are going to
be when you grow up, or second-guess every decision I have made where
you are concerned.

Just for this afternoon, I will let you help me wash the car,and I won't stand over you as you use the hose and need a change of clothes.

Just for this afternoon, I will take us to McDonald's and buy us both a Happy Meal so you can have both toys.

Just for this evening, I will hold you in my arms and tell you a story about how you were born and how much I love you.

Just for this evening, I will let you splash in the tub and not get angry.

Just for this evening, I will let you stay up late while we sit on the porch and count all the stars.

Just tonight we can take an extra long car ride, And we will try to “find the sun” until you fall asleep again.

Just for this evening, I will snuggle beside you for hours, and leave everything else behind.

Just for this evening when I run my finger through your hair as you pray,

I will simply be grateful that God has given me the greatest gift
ever given.

I will think about the mothers and fathers who are searching for
their missing children,the mothers and fathers who are visiting their children's graves instead of their bedrooms, and mothers and fathers who are in hospital rooms watching their children suffer senselessly, and screaming inside that they can't handle it anymore.

And when I kiss you good night I will hold you a little tighter, a
little longer.

It is then, that I will thank God for you, and ask him for nothing, except one more day.

 

Before our daughter went off to college, our family took a
vacation in Colorado. So we flew to Denver and rented a car. We
visited the Royal Gorge Bridge, which is more than 1000 feet above
the Arkansas River.

Walking out onto the bridge, I noticed it swaying in the wind.
Then a car went past us, and the wood-plank roadway moved beneath
my feet. "I don't think I want to drive the car across this
bridge," I finally said.

"What are you worried about?" our daughter replied. "It's a
rental."

 

A distraught mother rushed into the back yard, where eight-year-old Tommy was banging on the bottom of an old upturned tin bath with a poker.

"What do you think you're doing?" she demanded.

"I'm just entertaining the baby," explained Tommy.

"Where is the baby?" asked his Mom.

"Under the bath."

 

The youngest of my three crazy country cousins and I were only a month apart in age, and both small for our age, He was a cotton-top blond with freckles, a typical Kentucky country boy.

Once when the cousins were at our house he and I were playing in the yard, while I was minding my little brother for my my mom, when the neighborhood bully happened by with a couple of his friends.

The bully decided to stop and make fun of my cousin's country accent, we tried to ignore him but he wouldn't stop and finally started throwing rocks at us. One of the rocks hit my little brother, causing his forehead to bleed profusely. I grabbed my brother up and ran to find mom and my cousin lit out after the bully.

He chased him all the way to his house and ran in after him. Just as the bully's father stepped into the room to see what was going on, my cousin punched the bully right in the nose, causing it to spurt blood all over.

The man grabbed my cousin and marched him and his son to our house. When my mom came to the door the red faced man shouted "Look what your kid did to my son!"

My unflappable mom looked back and forth between my tiny cousin and the bully, who stood a foot taller and easily outweighed my cousin by 20lbs., patted the man on the arm and said, "I can see why you would be embarassed, but don't worry, we won't tell anyone.".
 

When our kids were young my wife and I took them, once a year to Kings Island, in Cincinnati. She is a bit of a dare devil and always tried to get me to ride those killer rides I hate. When she tried to get me on a roller coaster that went to the moon and back at least two times, I flatly refused.

She laughed at me and got our two boys to go with her, our daughter, being of sound mind, decided to stay on the ground with me.

As it turned out one of our sons has the same fear of heights as I
do and before the ride was over had gripped her shirt so hard,
that he had completely torn it off of her.

It just so happened that it was one of those tie things she didn't wear a bra with, so by the time the ride ended she was bare breasted, right in front of a line of about fifty people.

I was laughing so hard that I hardly realized she was removing my shirt for her use.

 

Rated G ..................... Michele

Rated G .........Sue Bee

Rated G ............ Sue Bee

Rated G It Pays To Advertise.

Rated G

At The Doctors

Rated G

Wise Advice from Children

Rated G

Old Lady & The Dollar

Rated Lorraine

MOTHER TO ADULT DAUGHTER:

Rated G Lorraine

WOMAN TO HUSBAND AT THE BREAKFAST TABLE:

Rated G Sue Bee

Ad found among the miscellaneous listing in the Stanwood/Camano,
Washington News:

Rated G

Memos from Your Child

Rated G

Rated G

Rated G Baby Blues

Spell "MOM" on New Pager

Rated G Lorraine

Rated G ED in Aurora, Ont.

Your Angel

Rated G Becky

Rated G

Rated G Baby Blues

Kids Pray

Rated G

Rated G

Rated G Sue Bee

Rated G

Rated G ........Sue Bee

Rated G Azuree

Some cute kid quotes from my niece's NickJr. magazine:

Rated G

Rated G Janine

Rated G Lorraine

Rated G

Rated G

Rated G Sue Bee

Rated G Sandy Wright

Rated G

Rated G

Boy 1:

Rated R

Rated G Michele

Rated G

Rated G Lorraine

Rated G Louise

Potato Puppy

Rated G

None Of These Diseases

Rated G Alex

Rated G

Rated G

Rated G Lorraine

Rated G Michele

Rated G Charlie in Topeka

Rated G

Rated G Baby Blues

From a Frustrated Father:

Rated G Lorraine

Rated G Lorraine

Rated G Lorraine

Rated G : Michele

Rated G Lorraine

Rated G

Rated G

Rated G

Rated G

Rated G Sue Bee

Rated G

Rated G

Rated G Tom in Colorado

Rated G

Rated G Baby Blues

Happy Father's Day All You Dad's
The best thing to spend on your children is time.

TOUCH OF WONDER By Arthur Gordon

Rated G

THE FATHERHOOD CYCLE

Rated Alex

Rated G

CHILDREN GO THROUGH FOUR LIFE STAGES WITH DAD:

Rated G

Family Album

Rated G

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?

Rated G

Rated PG Lorraine

Rated G Sue Bee

WHY DIDN'T I THINK OF THAT

Rated G

Son:

Rated G Lulu

Rated G Becky

Rated G Sue Bee

Rated G Beth in Alanta

Rated G

Rated G George in Reno

Rated G

Rated G Hank in Simi Valley

Rated G Michele

Rated X

Rated G

For those who already have children past this age, this is hilarious. For those who have children this age, this is not funny. For those who have children nearing this age, this is a warning. For those who have not yet had children, this is birth control. The following came from an anonymous mother in Austin, Texas.

THINGS I'VE LEARNED FROM MY CHILDREN...(HONEST AND NO KIDDING):

Rated G Sue Bee

Rated G

Rated G Becky

Rated G

Rated G

Rated G

Rated G

Rated PG sonata

Rated G

Rated G

Rated G Hank in Simi Valley

Rated G NANCY IN WESTCHESTER

Rated G

Rated G Diane in Las Vegas

                  THINGS TO THINK ABOUT!

Rated G Michele

Rated G

Rated G

Rated G Michele

Rated G Michele

Rated G

Rated G B.B.

Rated G Lorraine

Rated G

Rated G Michele

Rated G Sue Bee

Rated G

Father:

Rated G Sue Bee

Rated G Michele

Rated PG

Rated G Michele

Rated G Michele

Rated G Michele

Rated G Lorraine

Rated G JerseyT

Rated G KNJ

Smooth Operators

Rated G Michele

Rated G KNJ

Rated G KNJ

Rated G

Rated G

Rated G Sue Bee

Rated G Michele

Rated G Michele

Rated G Michele

Rated G Michele

Laws of Parenting

Rated G Lorraine

Rated G Lainey

Rated G Freeloader

Rated G

Rated G Sue Bee

Rated G Michele

Rated G

Rated G

Rated G Michele

Rated G Mom

Rated G Michele

Rated G Michele

Rated G Michele

Rated PG

Rated G

Rated G Michele

Laws of Parenting

Rated G Michele

Rated G Janine

Billy:

Rated G Michele

Rated G B.B.

Rated G Michele

Rated G

Rated G

Rated G Lorraine

Rated G Janine

Rated G

Rated G Michele

Rated G

Rated G Sue Bee

Rated G

Rated G B.B.

Rated G Judie,Judi,Judy

Rated PG George in St. Louis

Rated G

Rated G Michele

Rated G Janine

Rated G Michele

Rated G Cynthia

Rated G Michele

Rated G Lorraine

College student:

Rated G Ed in Aurora, Ont.

Rated G

13 Signs Your Parents Don't Like Your Date:

Rated G

13 Signs Your Parents Don't Like Your Date:

Rated G

Rated G Will@Marshall

Rated G Pat in Poughkeepsie

Rated G

Rated G

Rated G Michele

Rated PG

Rated PG Michele

Rated G Michele

Rated G

Rated R

Rated G Michele

Rated G

Rated G

Rated G

Rated G Denny in Yonkers

Rated G Janine

Rated G Lorraine

Rated G Janine

Rated G

Rated G Michele

Rated G

Rated G Michele

Rated G Carol in New Jersey

Rated G Lorraine

Rated G Michele

Rated G Sally in Poughkeepsie

Rated G B.B.

Rated G Lorraine

Rated G

Rated G

Rated G

Rated G

Rated R BJ

Rated G Michele

Rated G Michele

Rated G Sally

Rated G

Rated PG

Rated PG

Rated G

Rated G

Rated G

Rated G

Rated G

Rated G

Rated G

Rated G

Rated G

Rated G Michele

Rated G Michele

Rated X

Rated G B.B.

Rated G

Rated G Lorraine

Rated G Michele

Rated R

Rated pG Michele

Rated G B.B.

Parental Thoughts!

Rated G

Rated G

Rated G

Rated PG

Rated PG

Rated G

Rated G Michele

Rated G Michele

Rated G Betsy

SELF-ESTEEM AT FIVE

Rated G

Rated G Uncle Bubba

Rated G Betsy

Rated G Michele

Rated G

Rated G Michele

Rated G Betsy

Rated PG

The Birth Order of Children

Rated G Michele

Rated G Michele

Rated G Michele

Rated G

Rated G B.B.

Rated G Michele

Rated G Michele

Rated G

Rated G

Rated G

Rated G

Rated G Carolyn

Rated G B.B.

Rated G Sally

Rated G

Rated G

Rated G Lorraine

Rated G

Rated G

Rated G

Rated G Lorraine

Rated G

Rated G Lorraine

Rated G Lorraine

Rated G

Rated G

Rated G