This is topic Senior's in forum Bob Maar's Joke-A-Thon at Film-Tech Forum ARCHIVE.
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Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-03-2002, 12:53 PM:
Rated PG 
There were these twin sisters just turning one hundred years old in St. Luke's Nursing Home and the editor of the Cambridge rag. "The Cambridge Distorter" told a
photographer to get over there and take the pictures of these 100 year old twin bitteys.
One of the twins was hard of hearing and the other could hear quite well.
The photographer asked them to sit on the sofa and the deaf one said to her twin, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"
He said, "WE GOTTA SIT OVER THERE ON THE SOFA!" said the other.
"Now get a little closer together," said the cameraman.
Again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"
"HE SAYS SQUEEZE TOGETHER A LITTLE."
So they wiggled up close to each other.
"Just hold on for a bit longer, I've got to focus a little," said the photographer.
Yet again - "WHAT DID HE SAY?"
"HE SAYS HE'S GONNA FOCUS!"
With a big grin the deaf twin shouted out, "OH MY GOD BOTH OF US?"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-04-2002, 02:39 PM:
Rated G The ABCs of aging:
A is for arthritis,
B is for bad back,
C is for the chest pains. Corned beef? Cardiac?
D is for dental decay and decline,
E is for eyesight--can't read that top line.
F is for fissures and fluid retention.
G is for gas (which I'd rather not mention and not to forget other gastrointestinal glitches).
H is high blood pressure
I is for itches, and lots of incisions.
J is for joints, that now fail to flex.
L is for libido--what happened to sex?
Wait! I forgot about K!
K is for my knees that crack all the time (But forgive me, I get a few lapses in my
M-memory from time to time).
N is for nerve (pinched) and neck (stiff) and neurosis.
O is for osteo-for all the bones that crack
P is for prescriptions, that cost a small fortune.
Q is for queasiness. Fatal or just the flu? Give me another pill and I'll be good as new!
R is for reflux--one meal turns into two.
S is for sleepless nights, counting my fears on how to pay my increasing medical bills!
T is for tinnitus--I hear bells in my ears and the word "terminal" also rings too near.
U is for urinary and the difficulties that flow (or not)
V is for vertigo, as life spins by
W is worry, for pains yet found
X is for X ray--and what one might find.
Y is for year (another one I'm still alive) so,
Z is for zest for surviving the symptoms my body's deployed, and keeping twenty-six doctors gainfully employed.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-04-2002, 04:24 PM:
Rated G A True Senior Moment
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two elderly gentlemen were talking, and one said,"Last night we went out to a new restaurant, and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly."
The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?"
The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know...the one that is red and has thorns."
"Do you mean a rose?" "Yes," the man said and then he turned toward the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-19-2002, 07:30 AM:
Two retired middle age guys were basking in the Bermuda sun.
The one fellow said he was able to retire early because his big furniture store burned down and he retired on the insurance money.
The other fellow said he too was able to retire early on insurance money because his big store was wiped out by a tornado.
After a few moments of silence the first fellow asked: "How do you start a tornado?"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-19-2002, 02:06 PM:
Rated R Two very elderly men were having a conversation about sex. Elmer says, "Yessir, I did it three times last night with a 30-year-old!"
Leon replies, "You're kidding. I can't even manage to do it once. What's your secret?"
Elmer replies, "Well, the secret is to eat lots of whole-wheat bread."
So the second old man rushes to the store.
The clerk asks the old man, "May I help you?'
"Yes, I'd like four loaves of whole-wheat bread, please."
The clerk says, "That's a lot of bread. It's sure to get hard before you're done."
The old man says, "Damn! Does everyone know about this except me?" 
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-20-2002, 08:37 AM:
Rated XX 
An 85 year old man marries a lovely 25 year old woman.
Because her new husband is so old the woman decides that on their wedding night they should have separate suites. She is concerned that the old fellow could over exert himself.
After the festivities she prepares herself for bed and for the knock on the door she is expecting. Sure enough the knock comes and there is her groom ready for action.
They unite in conjugal union and all goes well where upon he takes his leave of her and she prepares to go to sleep for the night. After a few minutes there's a knock on the door and there the old guy is again ready for more action.
Somewhat surprised she consents to further coupling, which is again successful after which the octogenarian bids her a fond good night and leaves.
She is certainly ready for slumber at this point and is close to sleep for the second time when there is another knock at the door and there he is again fresh as a 25 year old and ready for more. Once again they do the horizontal boogie.
As they're laying in afterglow the young bride says to him, "I am really impressed that a guy your age has enough juice to go for it three times. I've been with guys less than half your age who were only good for one."
The old guy looks puzzled and turns to her and says, "Was I already here?"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-22-2002, 04:57 PM:
Rated G On a senior citizen bus tour, the driver was surprised.
While the passengers were unloading, to do some sightseeing, one elderly lady stopped and whispered in his ear, "Driver, I believe that I was sexually harassed!"
The driver didn't think much of this complaint, but promised he would check into it soon.
Later, that very same day, as the passengers were unloading again, a second little old lady bent down and whispered in his ear, "Sir, I believe I was sexually harassed!"
This time, he knew it had to be taken care of soon.
A few passengers had remained on the bus, and he decided to go back and question them, to see if they had any knowledge of what was going on.
He found one little old man crawling along the bus floor underneath the seats and stooped down to question him.
"Excuse me, sir, could I help you?"
The elderly man looked up and said, "Well, sonny, you sure can. I've lost my toupee and I'm trying to find it. I thought I'd located it twice, but they were parted in the middle, and mine's parted on the side!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-10-2002, 02:03 PM:
Rated G I'M A SENIOR CITIZEN!
I'm the life of the party...even when it lasts 'till 8pm.
I'm very good at opening childproof caps with a hammer.
I'm usually interested in going home before I get to where I'm going.
I'm good on a trip for at least an hour without my aspirin, antacid...
I'm the first one to find the bathroom wherever I go.
I'm awake many hours before my body allows me to get up.
I'm smiling all the time because I can't hear a word you're saying.
I'm very good at telling stories...over and over and over and over.
I'm aware that other people's grandchildren are not as bright as mine.
I'm so cared for: long-term care, eye care, private care, dental care.
I'm not grouchy, I just don't like traffic, waiting, politicians...
I'm positive I did housework correctly before the Internet.
I'm sure everything I can't find is in a secure place.
I'm wrinkled, saggy and lumpy, and that's just my left leg.
I'm having trouble remembering simple words like...uh....
I'm now spending more time with my pillows than with my mate.
I'm realizing that aging is not for sissies.
I'm walking more (to the bathroom) and enjoying it less.
I'm sure they are making adults much younger these days.
I'm in the *initialstate of my golden years: SS, CD's, IRA's, AARP.
I'm wondering if you're only as old as you feel, how could I be alive at 50?
I'm anti-everything now: anti-fat, anti-smoke, anti-noise, anti-inflammatory.
I'm supporting all movements now...by eating bran, prunes and raisins.
I'm a walking storeroom of facts...I've just lost the storeroom.
I'm a Senior Citizen and I think I am having the time of my life.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 07-02-2002, 12:10 PM:
Rated X Maude and Claude, both 91, lived in a senior citizen's residence. They met in the social center and discovered over time that they enjoyed each other's company. After several weeks of meeting for coffee, Claude asked Maude out for dinner and she accepted.
They had a lovely evening. Afterward, Claude asked Maude to join him at his place for an after dinner drink. Things continued along a natural course and, age being no inhibitor, Maude soon joined Claude for a most enjoyable roll in the hay. As they were basking in the glow of the magic moments they'd shared, each was lost for a time in their own thoughts.
Claude was thinking: "If I'd known she was a virgin, I'd have been more gentle."
Maude was thinking: "If I'd known he could still get it up, I'd have taken off my panty hose."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 07-02-2002, 03:37 PM:
Rated X The two little old ladies, who were long time friends and a bit old-fashioned, each went to a retirement home of her own respective religion.
It was not long before Mrs. Murphy felt very lonesome for Mrs. Cohen, so one day she asked to be driven to the Jewish Home to visit her old friend.
When she arrived she was greeted with open arms, hugs, and kisses. Mrs. Murphy said "Don't be holdin' back, Mrs. Cohen, how do you like it here?"
Mrs. Cohen went on and on about the wonderful food, the facility and the caretakers. Then, with a twinkle in her eye, she said, "But the best thing is that I now have a boyfriend."
Mrs. Murphy said, "Now isn't that wonderful! Tell me all about it.
Mrs. Cohen said, "After lunch we go up to my room and sit on the edge of the bed. I let him touch me on the top and then all over, and then we sing Jewish songs."
Mrs. Murphy said, "For sure it's a blessing. I'm so glad for you Mrs. Cohen."
Mrs. Cohen said, "And how is it with you, Mrs. Murphy?"
Mrs. Murphy said it was also wonderful at her new facility, and that she also had a boyfriend.
Mrs. Cohen said, "Good for you! So what do you do?"
"We also go up to my room after lunch and sit on the edge of the bed. I let him touch me on top, and then I let him touch me all over"
Mrs. Cohen said, "Yes? And then....?"
Mrs. Murphy said, "Well, since we don't know any Jewish songs, we "screw"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 07-02-2002, 03:47 PM:
Rated G Two 80 year old geezers are driving down the road when they hear the Ex-Lax commercial end with the statement:"It makes you feel young again."
John looks at Sylvester and says, "We need to pull over and get a bottle of that stuff!"
Sylvester agrees and the two old geezers pull over and get a bottle of Ex-Lax.
They both take two tablespoons each and continue to drive.About one mile later Sylvester asks, "Well John, do you feel young yet?"
"No," replies John.
So they pull over and take four more tablespoons a piece and continue to drive down the road.
A couple of miles later, Sylvester asks, "John, do you feel younger?"
"No," replies John, "but I sure did a childish thing!"
Posted by Sean McKinnon (Member # 612) on 07-03-2002, 04:09 AM:
lady was somewhat lonely, and decided that she
needed a pet to keep her company. So off to the pet shop
she went. Forlornly, she searched. Nothing seemed to catch
her interest, except this one ugly frog. As she walked by
the barrel he was in, he looked up and winked at her! He
whispered, "I'm lonely too, buy me and you won't be sorry."The old lady figured, what the heck, as she hadn't found
anything else. So, she bought the frog and went to her car.
Driving down the road the frog whispered to her, "Kiss me,
you won't be sorry." So, the old lady figured what the heck,
and kissed the frog. Immediately the frog turned into an
absolutely ! gorgeous, sexy, handsome, young prince.
Then the prince kissed her back, and you know what the
old lady turned into?
come on, guess.........
The first motel she could find-------
(She's old, not dead!!!!)
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 07-03-2002, 11:25 AM:
Rated R Three old men were sitting around complaining about how much their hands shook.
The first geezer said, "My hands shake so bad that whenI shaved this morning I cut my face!"
The second old fogey one-upped him. "My hands shake so bad that when I trimmed my garden yesterday I sliced all my flowers!"
The third old man laughed and said, "That's nothing.My hands shake so bad that when I took a piss yesterday, I came three times."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 07-03-2002, 12:11 PM:
Rated G
I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, Therefore "I AM
PERFECT"!
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 07-10-2002, 04:19 AM:
Rated PG Two old ladies are walking through a museum and got separated. When they ran into each other later the first old lady said to the second, "Oh My! Did you see that statue of the naked man back there?"
The second old lady replied, "Yes! I was absolutely shocked! How can they display such a thing! My gosh the penis on it was so large!"
Where upon the first old lady accidentally blurted out, "...Yeah, and cold, too!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 07-15-2002, 06:51 AM:
Rated PG A senior citizen visits his doctor for a routine check-up and
everything seems fine. The doctor asks him about his sex life.
"Well..." the man drawled, "not bad at all to be honest. The wife
ain't all that interested anymore, so I just cruise around. In
the past week I was able to pick-up and bed at least three girls,
none of whom were over thirty years old."
"My goodness Frank, and at your age too." the doctor said. "I
hope you took at least some precautions."
"Yep. I may be old, but I ain't senile yet doc. I gave 'em all a
phony name."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 07-15-2002, 06:53 AM:
Rated R An old man was on the beach and walked up to a beautiful girl in
a bikini -
"I want to feel your breasts" he exclaimed.
"Get away from me, you crazy old man" she replied.
"I want to feel your breasts, I will give you twenty dollars," he
says.
"Twenty dollars, are you nuts!? Get away from me!"
"I want to feel your breasts, I will give you ONE HUNDRED
DOLLARS" he stated.
"NO! Get away from me!"
"TWO HUNDRED DOLLARS" he offered.
She paused to think about it, but then comes to her senses and
said, "I said NO!"
"FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS if you let me feel your breasts," he
claimed.
She thought, well he is old, and he seems harmless enough...and
$500 IS a lot of money....
"Well, OK...but only for a minute."
She loosened her bikini top and while both are standing there on
the beach, he slid his hands underneath and began to feel... then
he started saying, "OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD..."
while he was caressing them.
Out of curiosity, she asked him, "Why do you keep saying, 'Oh my
god, oh my god'?"
While continuing to feel her breasts he answered, "OH MY GOD...OH
MY GOD...OH MY GOD... OH MY GOD, where am I ever going to get
five hundred dollars?
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 09-04-2002, 07:27 AM:
Rated G Senior citizens are constantly being criticized for every conceivable definiency of the modern world, real or imaginary. We know we take responsiblity for all we have done and do not blame others. BUT, upon reflection, we would like to point out that it was NOT the senior citizens who took ;
The melody out of the music,
The pride out of appearance,
The romance out of love,
The commitment out of marriage,
The responsibility out of parenthood,
The togetherness out of the family,
The learning out of education,
The service out of patriotism,
The religion out of schools,
The Golden Rule from rulers,
The nativity scene out of cities,
The civility out of behavior,
The refinement out of language,
The prudence out of spending,
The ambition out of achievement,
And we certainly are NOT the ones who eliminated patience and tolerance from personal relationships and interactions with others !!
Does anyone under the age of 50 know the lyrics to the Star Spangled Banner?
Just look at the Seniors with tears in their eyes and pride in their hearts as they stand at attention with their hand over their hearts!
Remember....inside every older person is a younger person wondering what the heck happened !
YES, I'M A SENIOR CITIZEN !The life of the party...even if it lasts until 8 p.m.
I'm very good at openiing childproof caps with a hammer.
I'm usually interested in going home before I get to where I am
going.
I'm awake many hours before my body allows me get up.
I'm smling all the time because I can't hear a thing you're saying.
I'm very good at telling stories; over and over and over....
I'm aware that other people's grandchildren are not as cute as mine.
I'm so cared for....long term care, eye care,private care, dental care.
I'm not grouchy, I just don't like traffic, waiting, crowds, lawyers, loud music, unruly kids, Toyota commercials,Tom Brokaw, Dan Rather, Barking dogs, politicians, and a few other things I can't remember.
I'm sure everything I can't find is in a secure place.I'm wrinkled, saggy, lumpy, and that's just my left leg.
I'm having trouble remembering simple words like......
I'm realizing that aging is not for wimps.
I'm sure they are making adults much younger these days, and when
did they let kids become policemen?
I'm wondering, if you're only as old as you feel, how could I be
alive at 150?
I'm a walking storeroom of facts...I've just lost the key to the
storeroom door.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 09-04-2002, 08:05 AM:
Rated G Bill was retired and loved to sit in front of his house and watch the young girls walk by. Then he developed heart trouble and had to have a pacemakerimplanted.
Bill still enjoys sitting in the front of his houseand watching the girls, only now, whenever an especially pretty one with large breasts goes by, his pacemaker makes the garage door go up.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 09-04-2002, 08:59 AM:
Rated G THE ELDERLY WEDDING
Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way they pass a drugstore.Jacob suggests they go in.
Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"
The pharmacist answers "Yes".
Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"
Pharmacist: "Of course we do."
Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"
Pharmacist: "All kinds."
Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism, scoliosis? "
Pharmacist: "Definitely."
Jacob: "How about Viagra?"
Pharmacist: "Of course."
Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, Jaundice?"
Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."
Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol,antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"
Pharmacist: "Absolutely."
Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers?"
Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."
Jacob says to the pharmacist:
"We'd like to register here, please."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 09-04-2002, 02:14 PM:
Rated PG Andy Rooney On Grandma:
My grandmother has a bumper sticker on her car that says, 'Sexy SeniorCitizen.' You don't want to think of your grandmother that way, do you?
Out entering wet shawl contests. Makes you wonder where she got that dollar she gave you for your birthday.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 09-07-2002, 03:36 PM:
Rated PG A little old lady called 911.
When the operator answered she yelled, "Help! Send the police to my house right away! There's a damned republican on my front porch and he's playing with himself."
"What?" the operator exclaimed!
"I said there is a damned republican on my front porch playing with himself! Please send the police!" the little old lady repeated.
"Ma'am, how do you know he's a republican?"
"Because, you damned fool, if he were a democrat, he'd be screwing somebody!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 09-10-2002, 06:47 AM:
Rated G Nursing Home Chit Chat
At a nursing home in Florida, a group of senior citizens were sitting around talking about their aches and pains.
"My arms are so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said one.
"I know what you mean. My cataracts are so bad I can't even see my coffee," replied another.
"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said a third, to which several nodded weakly in agreement.
"My blood pressure pills make me dizzy," another contributed.
"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man as he slowly shook his head.
Then there was a short moment of silence. "Well, it's not that bad," said one woman cheerfully. "Thank God we can all still drive."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-01-2002, 07:25 AM:
Rated G QUOTES ABOUT AGING:
1. "Middle Age--when you chose your cereal based on fiber not the toy." (Anonymous)
2. "The trouble with aging is that by the time you finally know your way around, you don't feel like going." (Anonymous)
3. "The older I get, the better I was." (Anonymous)
4. "You know your old when your age in years surpasses your height in inches." (J. Stamatis)
5. "The man who views the world at 50 the same as he did at 20 has wasted 30 years of his life." (Mohammed Ali)
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-02-2002, 04:18 PM:
Rated PG On a senior citizen bus tour, the driver was surprised. While the passengers were unloading, to do some sightseeing, one elderly lady stopped and whispered in his ear, "Driver, I believe that I was sexually harassed!"
The driver didn't think much of this complaint, but promised he would check into it soon.
Later, that very same day, as the passengers were unloading again, a second little old lady bent down and whispered in his ear, "Sir, I believe I was sexually harassed!"
This time, he knew it had to be taken care of soon. A few passengers had remained on the bus, and he decided to go back and question them, to see if they had any knowledge of what was going on.
He found one little old man crawling along the bus floor underneath the seats and stooped down to question him. "Excuse me, sir, could I help you?"
The elderly man looked up and said, "Well, sonny, you sure can. I've lost my toupee and I'm trying to find it. I thought I'd located it twice, but they were parted in the middle, and mine's parted on the side!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-19-2002, 09:36 PM:
Rated G Penelope
An Elderly Couple
An elderly couple, who were childhood sweethearts, had married and
settled down in their old neighborhood and are celebrating their
fiftieth wedding anniversary. They walk down the street to their
old school. There, they hold hands as they find the old desk they'd shared and where he had carved "I love you, Sally." On their way back home, a bag of money falls out of an armored car practically at their feet. She quickly picks it up, but they don't know what to do with it, so, they take it home. There, she counts the money, and it's fifty thousand dollars. The husband says, "We've got to give it back." She says, "Finders keepers." And she puts the money back in the bag and hides it up in their attic.
The next day, two FBI men are going door-to-door in the neighborhood looking for the money and show up at their home. They say, "Pardon me, but did either of you find any money that fell out of an armored car yesterday?" She says, "No." The husband says, "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic." She says, "Don't believe him, he's getting senile."
But the agents sit the man down and begin to question him. One says, "Tell us the story from the beginning."
The old man says, "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday..."
The FBI guy looks at his partner and says, "Let's get out of here."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-21-2002, 06:40 PM:
Rated G ABC's for Those Over 50
A is for arthritis,
B is for bad back,
C is for the chest pains. Cardiac?
D is for dental decay and decline,
E is for eyesight--can't read that top line.
F is for fissures and fluid retention
G is for gas (which I'd rather not mention
and not to forget other gastrointestinal glitches)
H is high blood pressure
I is for itches, and lots of incisions
J is for joints, that now fail to flex
L is for libido--what happened to sex?
Wait! I forgot about K!
K is for my knees that crack all the time
(But forgive me, I get a few lapses in my M-memory from time to
time)
N is for nerve (pinched) and neck (stiff) and neurosis
O is for osteo-for all the bones that crack
P is for prescriptions, that cost a small fortune
Q is for queasiness. Fatal or just the flu?
Give me another pill and I'll be good as new!
R is for reflux--one meal turns into two
S is for sleepless nights, counting my fears on how to pay my
increasing
medical bills!
T is for tinnitus--I hear bells in my ears
and the word "terminal" also rings too near
U is for urinary and the difficulties that flow (or not)
V is for vertigo, as life spins by
W is worry, for pains yet unfound
X is for X ray--and what one might find
Y is for year (another one I'm still alive).
Z is for zest
For surviving the symptoms my body's deployed,
And keeping twenty-six doctors gainfully employed.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-04-2002, 07:47 AM:
Rated R Two old men are in a nursing home. The first one says to the second, "I'll bet you fifty bucks that my dick is longer limp than your's is hard."
The second old man says, "Sure" believing that there is no way his buddies dick could be that long.
They both take off their pants, the second old guy says to the first, "Well, how long is your's limp?"
The first old guy says, "Seven years."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-10-2002, 07:44 AM:
Rated PG A old woman is in the bar of a cruise ship and she asks the bartender for a scotch and two drops of water.
As the bartender gives her a drink she says, "It's my birthday today and I'm on the cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday."
The bartender says, "Well, since it's your birthday I'll buy you a drink. In fact I'll take care of this one for you."
As the woman finishes her drink a woman to her right says, "I guess I
should buy you a drink too."
The 80 year-old woman says, "Alright. Bartender I want a scotch and two drops of water."
"Alright" says the bartender.
As she finishes her drink, the man to her left says, "Since I'm the only one around you that hasn't bought you a drink I guess I might as well buy you one too."
The old woman says, "Alright, bartender I want a scotch and two drops of water."
"Comin' right up" the bartender says.
As he gives her the drink he says, "Ma'am I'm dying of curiosity. Why the scotch and only two drops of water?"
The woman replies, "Sonny, you learn that when you're my age, you can hold your liquor but you sure can't hold your water!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-10-2002, 07:30 PM:
Rated G Michele
Grandma's Receipt For Doing The Family Wash
This is an authentic washday "receipt" in its original spelling as
it was written out for a bride four generations ago:
1. Bild a fire in back yard to heet kettle of rain water.
2. Set tubs so smoke won't blow in your eyes.
3. Shave one hole cake lie sope in bilin water.
4. Sort thing, make three piles. 1 pile white, 1 pile cullord. 1
pile work britches and rags.
5. Stur flour in cold water to smooth, then thin down with bilin water.
6. Rub dirty spots on board, scrub hard, then bile. Rub cullord, but don't bile - just rench and starch.
7. Take white things our of kettle with broom stick handle, then
rench, blew, and starch.
8. Spred tee towels on grass
9. Hang old rags on fence.
10. Scrub porch with hot sopey water
11. Turn tubs upside down.
12. Go put on cleen dress - smooth hair with side combs - brew cup
of tee - set and rest and rock a spell and count blessins.
~Author Unknown~
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-12-2002, 08:43 PM:
Rated PG
YOU KNOW YOU'RE GETTING OLD WHEN ...
Adult diapers are actually kind of convenient.
All of your favorite movies are now re-released in color.
At cafeterias, you complain that the gelatin is too tough.
Conversations with people your own age often turn into "dueling
ailments."
Everything hurts and what doesn't hurt, doesn't work.
In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
It takes a couple of tries to get over a speed bump.
It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.
It takes twice as long to look half as good.
It's harder and harder for sexual harassment charges to stick.
Many of your co-workers were born the same year that you got your
last promotion.
No one expects you to run into a burning building.
People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?"
People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
Someone compliments you on your layered look.... and you're
wearing a bikini.
The car that you bought brand new becomes an antique.
The clothes you've put away until they come back in style... come
back in style.
The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your
pants.
The little gray-haired lady you help across the street is your
wife.
The pharmacist has become you new best friend.
The twinkle in your eye is only the reflection of the sun on your
bifocals.
There's nothing left to learn the hard way.
Things you buy now won't wear out.
When getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.
When happy hour is a nap.
When tying one on means fastening your MedicAlert bracelet.
When you are cautioned to slow down by your doctor instead of the
police.
When you don't care where your wife goes, just so you don't have
to go along.
When you have a choice of two temptations and you choose the one
that will get you home earlier.
When you realize that caution is the only thing you care to
exercise.
When you step off a curb and look down one more time to make sure
that the street is still there.
When you stop buying green bananas.
When you wake up with that morning-after feeling, and you didn't
do anything the night before.
When you were in school there was no history class!
When your birth certificate says expired on it.
When you're told to act your own age, and you die.
You and your teeth don't sleep together.
You are 17 around the neck, 42 around the waist, 96 around the
golf course.
You are proud of your lawn mower.
You begin every other sentence with, "Nowadays..."
You burn the midnight oil until 9:00 P.M.
You buy a compass for the dash of your car.
You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch
television.
You come to the conclusion that your worst enemy is gravity.
You confuse having a clear conscience with having a bad memory.
You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.
You don't know real embarrassment until your hip sets off a metal
detector.
You don't remember being absent minded.
You don't remember when your wild oats turned to prunes and all
bran.
You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
You feel like the morning after when you haven't been anywhere the
night before.
You finally got your head together, now your body is falling apart.
You find yourself beginning to like accordion music.
You frequently find yourself telling people what a loaf of bread
USED to cost.
You get exercise acting as a pallbearer for friends who exercise.
You get winded playing chess.
You give up all your bad habits and you still don't feel good.
You have more patience; but actually, it's just that you don't
care any more.
You have too much room in the house and not enough in the medicine
cabinet.
You just can't stand people who are intolerant.
You know all the answers, but nobody asks you the questions.
You light the candles on your birthday cake, and a group of
campers form a circle and start singing "Kumbaya."
You look both ways before crossing a room.
You look for your glasses for a half an hour, and then find that
they were on your head all the time.
You look forward to a dull evening.
You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into
the room.
You realize that a stamp today costs more than a picture show did
when you were growing up.
You run out of breath walking DOWN a flight of stairs.
You sing along with the elevator music.
You sink your teeth into a steak ...and they stay there.
You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.
You start video taping daytime game shows.
You take a metal detector to the beach.
You turn off the lights for economic rather than romantic reasons.
You wake up, looking like your driver's license picture.
You wear black socks with sandals.
You wonder how you could be over the hill when you don't even
remember being on top of it.
You wonder why you waited so long to take up macramé.
You would rather go to work than stay home sick.
Your back goes out more than you do.
Your best friend is dating someone half their age and isn't
breaking any laws.
Your childhood toys are now in a museum.
Your children are beginning to look middle-aged.
Your ears are hairier than your head.
Your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio.
Your idea of weight lifting is standing up.
Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay
off.
Your joints are more accurate than the National Weather Service.
Your knees buckle and your belt won't.
Your little black book only contains names ending in M.D.
Your memory is shorter and your complaining is longer.
Your mind makes contracts your body can't keep.
Your new easy chair has more options than your car.
Your pacemaker raises the garage door when you see a pretty girl
go by.
Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't
remember them either.
Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.
You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead.
You're on a TV game show and you decide to risk it all and go for
the rocker.
You're sitting on a park bench, and a Boy Scout comes up and helps
you cross your legs.
You're suffering from Mallzheimer's disease. You go to the mall
and forget where I parked my car.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-20-2002, 09:28 AM:
Rated G ![[Smile]](smile.gif)
Senility
An elderly couple who were childhood sweethearts had married and settled down in their old neighborhood and are celebrating their sixtieth wedding anniversary. They walk down the street to their old school. There, they hold hands as they find the old desk they 'd shared and where he had carved "I love you, Sally."
On their way back home, a bag of money falls out of an armored car practically at their feet. She quickly picks it up, but they don't know what to do with it so they take it home. There, she counts the money, and it's fifty-thousand dollars. The husband says, "We've got to give it back." She says, "Finders keepers." And she puts the money back in the bag and hides it up in their attic. The next day, two FBI men are going door-to-door in the neighborhood looking for the money and show up at their home.
They say, "Pardon me, but did either of you find any money that fell out of an armored car yesterday?" She says, "No. "The husband says, "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic." She says, "Don't believe him, he's getting senile." But the agents sit the man down and begin to question him. One says, "Tell us the story from the beginning." The old man says, "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday..."
The FBI guy looks at his partner and says, "We're outta here..." ![[Eek!]](eek.gif)
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-20-2002, 09:38 AM:
Rated G
OLD AGE
I have always dreaded old age. I cannot imagine anything worse than being old . . . How awful it must be to have nothing to do all day long but stare at the walls or watch TV.
So last week,when the Mayor suggested we all celebrate Senior Citizen Week by cheering up a senior citizen, I decided to do just that.
I would call on my new neighbor, an elderly retired gentleman, recently widowed, and whom,I presumed, had moved in with his married daughter because he was too old to take care of himself.
I baked a batch of brownies, and, without bothering to call (some old people cannot hear the phone), I went off to brighten this old guy's day.
When I rang the doorbell this "old guy" came to the door dressed in tennis shorts and a polo shirt, looking about as ancient and decrepit as Donny Osmond.
"I'm sorry I can't invite you in," he said when I introduced myself,
but I'm due at the Racquet Club at two.I'm playing in the semifinals today."
"Oh that's all right," I said. "I baked you some brownies . . . "
"Great!" he interrupted, snatching the box."Just what I need for bridge club tomorrow! Thanks so much!"
I continued " . . .and just thought we'd visit a while. But that's okay!I'll just trot across the street and call on Granny Grady."
"Don't bother," he said. "Gran's not home; I know.
I just called to remind her of our date to go dancing tonight.She may be at the beauty shop. She mentioned at breakfast (?? At which house)that she had an appointment for a Tint job."
So I went home and called my Mother's cousin (age 83); she was in the hospital ...... working in the gift shop.
I called my aunt (age 74); she was on vacation in China. I called my husband's uncle (age 79). I forgot; he was on his honeymoon.
I still dread old age, now more than ever.
I just don't think I'm up to it. ![[thumbsup]](graemlins/thumbsup.gif)
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-20-2002, 09:48 AM:
Rated G JJ In Sunny California
Senior Moments
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to playcards. One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me.....I know we've been friends for a long time.....but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is."
Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her.Finally she said,"How soon do you need to know?"
----------------------------------------------
Two elderly women were eating at a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mable's ear and she said, "Mable, did you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?" Mable answered, "I have? A suppository?"
She pulled it out & stared at it. Then she said, "Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where my hearing aid is." ![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-20-2002, 04:14 PM:
Rated G
ALL MIXED UP!
Dear Friend: Just a line to say I'm living…
That I'm not among the dead,
Though I'm getting more forgetful
And mixed up in the head.
I got used to my arthritis,
To my dentures I'm resigned,
I can manage my bifocals,
But Lord… how I miss my mind!!!
Sometimes I can't remember
When I stand at the foot of the stairs.
If I must go up for something…
Or if I've just come down from there,
I stand before the fridge at times,
My poor mind filled with doubt,
Have I come to put food away,
Or come to take some out?
There are times when it is dark out,
And with my nightcap on my head,
I don't know if I'm retiring…
Or just getting out of bed.
So if it's my turn to write you,
There's no need for getting sore,
I may think that I have written
And don't want to be a bore.
I do know that I miss you
And wish that you were near.
And now it's nearly mail time
So I must say goodbye, my dear.
Now I'm standing beside the mail box
With a face so red,
Instead of mailing you my letter …
I have opened it instead!!!
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-22-2002, 01:18 PM:
Rated G
An old man went to his doctor and said, "Doc, I think I'm getting senile. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up."
"That's not senility," replied the doctor. "Senility is when you forget to zip down."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-24-2002, 02:16 AM:
Rated G
Senior's Pick up Lines
"What's a nice girl like you doing in a place like ... where exactly are we again?"
"Do you smell that? That's either love, or Iused too much ointment this morning."
"Yes, I'm 92 ... but I have the body of a 78-year-old."
"WHO'S your granddaddy?"
"Your beautiful blue eyes are like limpid sapphire pools. Your blue hair, too."
"Hey babe, looking for a good time? How's about coming home with me
and ... Z-Z-Z-Z-Z-Z-Z-Z-Z." ![[sleep]](graemlins/sleep.gif)
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-24-2002, 03:50 AM:
Rated G
"Bored? Here's a way that the over-50 set can easily kill off a good half hour:
1. Place your keys in your right hand.
2. With your left hand, call a friend and confirm a lunch or dinner date.
3. Hang up the phone.
4. Now look for your car keys."
--Steve Martin
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-28-2002, 07:41 AM:
Rated G
Finally a Barbie I can relate to. At long last, here are some NEW Barbie dolls to coincide with her and OUR aging gracefully. These are a bit more realistic...
1. Bifocals Barbie. Comes with her own set of blended-lens fashion frames in six wild colors (half-frames too!), neck chain, and large-print editions of Vogue and Martha Stewart Living.
2. Hot Flash Barbie. Press Barbie's bellybutton and watch her face turn beet red while tiny drops of perspiration appear on her forehead. Comes with handheld fan and tiny tissues.
3. Facial Hair Barbie. As Barbie's hormone levels shift, see her whiskers grow. Available with teensy tweezers and magnifying mirror.
4. Flabby Arms Barbie. Hide Barbie's droopy triceps with these new,roomier-sleeved gowns. Good news on the tummy front, two-MuMus with tummy-support panels are included.
5. Bunion Barbie. Years of disco dancing in stiletto heels have definitely taken their toll on Barbie's dainty arched feet. Soothe her sores with the pumice stone and plasters, then slip on soft terry mules.
6. No-More-Wrinkles Barbie. Erase those pesky crow's-feet and lip lines with a tube of Skin Sparkle-Spackle, from Barbie's own line of exclusive age-blasting cosmetics.
7. Soccer Mom Barbie. All that experience as a cheerleader is really paying off as Barbie dusts off her old high school megaphone to root for Babs and Ken, Jr. Comes with minivan in robin-egg blue or white and cooler filled with doughnut holes and fruit punch.
8. Mid-life Crisis Barbie. It's time to ditch Ken. Barbie needs a change, and Alonzo (her personal trainer) is just what the doctor ordered, along with Prozac. They're hopping in her new red Miata and heading for the Napa Valley to open a B&B. Includes a real tape of "Breaking Up Is Hard to Do."
9. Divorced Barbie. Sells for$ 199.99. Comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, and Ken's boat.
10. Recovery Barbie. Too many parties have finally caught up with the ultimate party girl. Now she does Twelve Steps instead of dance steps. Clean and sober, she's going to meetings religiously. Comes with a little copy of The Big Book and a six-pack of Diet Coke.
11. Post-Menopausal Barbie. This Barbie wets her pants when she sneezes, forgets where she puts things, and cries a lot. She is sick and tired of Ken sitting on the couch watching the tube, clicking through the channels. Comes with Depends and Kleenex. As a bonus this year, the book "Getting In Touch with Your Inner Self" is included.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-02-2002, 10:01 AM:
Rated G
An 85-year-old widow went on a blind date with a 90-year-old man. When she returned to her daughter's house later that night, she seemed upset.
"What happened, Mother?" the daughter asked.
"I had to slap his face three times!"
"You mean he got fresh?"
"No," she answered...
"I thought he was dead!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-03-2002, 07:26 AM:
Rated PG
An old man sitting on the nursing home porch in the spring sunlight turns to the old man sitting next to him and chuckles, "Spring days like this really take me back.
"Do you remember the first time you made love to your wife?"
"Hell No", says the other fellow, "I don't even remember the LAST time.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-06-2002, 01:46 PM:
Rated PG
Three old ladies named Gertrude, Maude and Tilly were sitting on a park bench having a quiet conversation when a flasher approached from across the park. The flasher came up to the ladies, stood right in front of them and opened his trench coat.
Gertrude immediately had a stroke.
Then Maude also had a stroke.
Tillie, being older and more feeble, couldn't reach that far
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-09-2002, 06:53 AM:
Rated G
WHAT IS A GRANDMOTHER? Written by a 3rd grader at St. Andrews School, Washington, D. C.
A grandmother is a lady who has no little children of her own. She likes other people's.
A grandfather is a man grandmother.
Grandmothers don't have to do anything except be there. They are old, so they shouldn't play hard or run. It is enough if they drive us to the market and have lots of dimes ready.
When they take us for walks, they slow down past things like pretty leaves and caterpillars. They never say "hurry up."
Usually grandmothers are fat, but not too fat to tie your shoes.
They wear glasses and funny underwear.
They can take their teeth out.
Grandmothers don't have to be smart. They only have to answer questions like, "Why isn't God married?" and "How come dogs chase cats?"
When they read to us, they don't skip lines or mind if we ask for the same story over again.
Everyone should try to have a grandmother, especially if you don't have a TV, because they are the only grown-ups who have Time.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-15-2002, 08:01 AM:
Rated PG
Ninety-year-old man:"Yes!After all these years,I've finally kicked the habit.I'm a free man.From now on,no more sex.I'm going to be celibate for the rest of my life!"
Friend:"Wow!What happened?Are you concerned about your declining
health?"
Ninety-year-old: "No,I'm concerned about my declining wealth.That darn Viagra was so expensive,I couldn't afford cigarettes."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-27-2002, 08:13 AM:
Rated G
ONLY MATURE[/b]
For those of you who don't fit into this category,
put it in your saved box, one day - you will.
Today at the drugstore, the clerk was a gent.
From my purchase, this chap took off ten percent.
I asked for the cause of a lesser amount;
And he answered, "Because of the Senior's Discount."
I went to McDonald's for a burger and fries;
And there, once again, got quite a surprise.
The clerk poured some coffee, which he handed to me.
He said, "For you, Seniors, the coffee is free."
Understand---I'm not old---I'm merely mature;
But some things are changing, temporarily, I'm sure.
The newspaper print gets smaller each day,
And people speak softer---can't hear what they say.
My teeth are my own (I have the receipt),
And my glasses identify people I meet.
Oh, I've slowed down a bit...not a lot, I am sure.
You see, I'm not old...I'm only mature.
The gold in my hair has been bleached by the sun.
You should see all the damage that chlorine has done.
Washing my hair has turned it all white,
But don't call it gray...saying "blond" is just right.
My car is all paid for...not a nickel is owed.
Yet a kid yells, "Old duffer...get off of the road!"
My car has no scratches...not even a dent.
Still I get all that guff from a punk who's "Hell bent."
My friends all get older...much faster than me.
They seem much more wrinkled, from what I can see.
I've got "character lines," not wrinkles...for sure,
But don't call me old...just call me mature.
The steps in the houses they're building today
Are so high that they take...your breath all away;
And the streets are much steeper than ten years ago.
That should explain why my walking is slow.
But I'm keeping up on what's hip and what's new,
And I think I can still dance a mean boogaloo.
I'm still in the running...in this I'm secure,
I'm not really old ... I'm only mature.
Author Unknown,
but I assume is mature
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-28-2002, 01:01 PM:
Rated R George In Portland
happened last summer at an assisted-living care facility in Forest
Grove, Oregon.
An old man who lived there (I think he was in his 80's) called a prostitute and asked her to come visit him.
Apparently she had to go through the front desk to get to him. When the staff found out WHY she was there, they refused to let her in. It was not that kind of a business establishment.
Somehow she found out what room he was in.She went around to the
outside of his window and helped him escape through the window.
Then they drove off someplace in her car.
Afterward, she returned him to the home.At that point, the staff had no alternative but to let him back in.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-03-2003, 08:00 AM:
Rated G )
An elderly gentleman checked into a New York hotel. The clerk mentioned the phone service the establishment made available for calling guests who wished to rise at an early hour.
"No need for that, young man," snapped the old timer. "I always wake up at five A.M. sharp - without an alarm clock."
"Very good, sir," the clerk replied, then asked, "Would you mind calling me at six?"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-04-2003, 09:39 PM:
Rated G :)Nancy in Iowa
Looking in the mall for a cotton nightgown, I tried my luck in a
store known for its hot lingerie. To my delight, however, I found
just what I was looking for.
Waiting in the line to pay, I noticed a young woman behind me
holding the same nightgown.
This confirmed what I suspected all along: despite being over 50,
I still have a very "with it" attitude.
"I see we have the same taste," I said proudly to the 20-
something behind me.
"Yes," she replied. "I'm getting this for my grandmother."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-06-2003, 12:03 PM:
Rated G Michele
Future Quotes from Grandparents
"Hell, I remember when we only had 500 channels of mind-numbing crap to watch!"
"You call that *dancing*? Shoot! Tell your grandma to bring that
'Macarena' CD over here and I'll show you some REAL dancing."
"When I was your age,we didn't have surgically implanted telepathy microchips! When we wanted to talk to our friends,we had to use a CELL PHONE!"
"Senility,my ass!I'm telling you President Hasselhoff used to have a talking car.
"When I was your age,we didn't admire the grace and beauty of a tuna swimming in some aquarium tank! No, sirree. We *ate* the bastards--right out of the can!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-08-2003, 10:55 AM:
Rated G
Two old men in a retirement village were sitting in the reading room and one said to the other, "How do you really feel? I mean, you're 72 years old, but how do you honestly feel?"
"Honestly, I feel like a new born baby. I've got no hair, no teeth, and I just wet myself."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-09-2003, 07:54 PM:
Rated G
Sue Bee
Old Mrs. Pierpont
A woman is worried about an older woman, a widow, who lives in the
apartment next door. She hasn't heard anything from her for a few
days. So she tells her son, "I want you to go next door and see
how Old Mrs. Pierpont is."
A few minutes later, the boy returns.
"Well, is she all right?" the mother asks.
"She's fine, but she's annoyed with you," he says.
"At me? Whatever for?"
"Well," says her son, "Mrs. Pierpont told me it's none of your
business how old she is."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-10-2003, 08:47 AM:
Rated G Becky
Old Is...
When your son starts treating you with respect.
When styles come back for the second time and you still have some
left from the first time.
When a man says,"I want to be alone with you" and you suspect his
motives.
When you think all of your friends are showing their age...but not you.
When your husband doesn't embarrass you anymore.
When you look in the mirror and think to yourself, "Aren't I wise?"
--Marcella Markham, from "Old Is Great"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-10-2003, 02:12 PM:
[b]Rated PG
Two old men were sat on a bench outside a nursing home having a
chat.
"How are you, Richard?" asked George.
"I'm not feeling too good today,I'm utterly exhausted,"replied
Richard.
"I've pulled a muscle and it's killing me."
"I'm surprised that a pulled muscle makes you feel so tired,"said
George.
Richard yawned and said: "Well it does if you pull it a hundred times in one night"!
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-13-2003, 05:59 AM:
Rated G ![[Confused]](confused.gif)
They have finally found a diagnosis for my condition. It is A.A.A.D.D. or Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.
This is how it goes:
I decide to wash the car;I start toward the garage and notice the mail on the hall table.OK,I'm going to wash the car but first I'm
going to go through the mail.I lay the car keys down on the table,
discard the junk mail but notice the trash can is full.
OK,I'll just put the bills on my desk and take the trash can out but
since I'm going to be near the mailbox anyway,I'll just pay these few bills first.Now, where is my cheque book? Oops,there's only one check left.My extra checks are in my desk.Oh,there's the Coke I was drinking.I'm going to look for those checks.
But first I need to put my drink further away from the computer,or
maybe I'll just pop it in the fridge to keep it cold for awhile.I head toward the kitchen and notice that the flowers need some water. I set the drink on the counter and,oh oh!there are my glasses.I'd
been looking for them all morning!I better put them away first.
I fill a container with water and head for the flowers - aaaah!
somebody left the TV remote in the kitchen!We will be looking for
that tonight when we watch TV so I'd better put it back into the
family room where it belongs.
I spash some water onto the flowers and the floor.I throw the remote onto a soft cushion on the sofa and head back down the hall trying to figure out what the hell I was going to do.....
End of Day
the car isn't washed
the bills are unpaid
the Coke is sitting on the kitchen counter
the flowers are half watered
the check book only has 1 check in it
and I can't find the car keys
When I try to figure out how come nothing got done today I'm baffled because I know I was busy all day.I realize this is a serious condition and I'll get help but first I'm going to check my email.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-24-2003, 09:28 AM:
Rated G
CONSPIRACY, WE MUST STOP THIS
Have you ever noticed that when you're of a certain age, everything seems uphill from where you are? Stairs are steeper.
Groceries are heavier.And, everything is farther away. Yesterday
I walked to the corner and I was dumbfounded to discover how long our street had become!
And, you know, people are less considerate now, especially the young ones.They speak in whispers all the time!If you ask them
to speak up they just keep repeating themselves, endlessly
mouthing the same silent message until they're red in the face!
What do they think I am, a lip reader?
I also think they are much younger than I was at the same age. On the other hand, people my own age are so much older than I am.I ran into an old friend the other day and she has aged so much that she didn't even recognize me.I got to thinking about the poor dear while I was combing my hair this morning, and in doing so, I glanced at my own reflection........Well, REALLY NOW
......... even mirrors are not made the way they used to be!
Another thing, everyone drives so fast today! You're risking life and limb if you just happen to pull onto the freeway in front of them. All I can say is, their brakes must wear out awfully fast, the way I see them screech and swerve in my rear view mirror.
Clothing manufacturers are less civilized these days. Why else
would they suddenly start labeling a size 10 or 12 dress as 18 or 20? Do they think no one notices that these things no longer fit around the waist, hips, thighs, and bosom? The people who make bathroom scales are pulling the same prank, but in reverse. Do they think I actually "believe" the number I see on that dial? HA! I would never let myself weigh that much! Just who do these people think they're fooling?I'd like to call up someone in authority to report what's going on - but the telephone
company is in on the conspiracy too:they've printed the phone
books in such small type that no one could ever find a number in
here! All I can do is pass along this warning: Maturity is under attack!
Unless something drastic happens, pretty soon "everyone" will have to suffer these awful indignities.
PLEASE PASS THIS ON TO EVERYONE YOU
KNOW AS SOON AS POSSIBLE SO WE CAN
GET THIS CONSPIRACY STOPPED!
PS: I am sending this to you in a larger font size, because
something has caused fonts to be smaller than they once were too!
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-25-2003, 08:10 PM:
Rated G Sue Bee
SIGNS THAT YOU'RE OVER THE HILL ...
You're sitting on a park bench, and a Boy Scout comes up and helps you cross your legs.
It takes a couple of tries to walk over a speed bump.
You're on a TV game show and you decide to risk it all and go for the rocker.
You look both ways before crossing a room. ;D
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-29-2003, 08:31 AM:
Rated G Captain Silver
An elderly, wealthy woman in Florida was boring fellow
beachcombers as she bragged on and on about her two remarkable
grandchildren.
Unable to stand it any longer, a fellow sunbather interrupted her.
"Tell me, Mrs. Rosenwasser, how old are your grandsons?"
Mrs. Rosenwasser gave her a grateful smile and replied, "The
doctor is four and the lawyer is six."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-31-2003, 03:59 PM:
Rated G
Two elderly gentlemen were having coffee in the resort hotel the morning after their double wedding to their respective elderly wives.
Jim said, with concern, "I'll have to see a doctor when I get home, I couldn't consummate my marriage last night."
"Oh, really," says Bob. "Well, I better see a therapist then - I didn't even think of it!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-05-2003, 12:54 PM:
Rated G
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra than Alzheimers research.
This means that by 2020, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-06-2003, 02:12 PM:
Rated PG
This old couple is ready to go to sleep, so the old man lies on
the bed, but the old woman lies on the floor.
The old man asks, "Why are you going to sleep on the floor?"
The old woman says,"Because I want to feel something hard for a change."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-08-2003, 09:13 PM:
Rated R Michele
There were these twin sisters just turning 100 years old in St.
Luke's Nursing Home and the editor of the local rag, "The
Cambridge Distorter," told a photographer to get over there and
take the pictures of these 100-year-old twin bitties.
One of the twins was hard of hearing and the other could hear
quite well.
The photographer asked them to sit on the sofa and the deaf one
said to her twin, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"
He said,"WE GOTTA SIT OVER THERE ON THE SOFA!" said the other.
"Now get a little closer together,"said the cameraman.
Again,"WHAT DID HE SAY?"
"HE SAYS SQUEEZE TOGETHER A LITTLE."So they wiggled up close to each other.
"Just hold on for a bit longer.I've got to focus a little," said
the photographer.
Yet again,"WHAT DID HE SAY?"
"HE SAYS HE'S GONNA FOCUS!"
With a big grin the deaf twin shouted out, "OH MY GOD - BOTH OF US?!?"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-10-2003, 10:40 AM:
Rated G
Seventy-year-old Oleg is on his deathbed.
He says,"Inga,my darling wife,are you here?"
She says,"Of course, my love."
He says,"Inga,our children;are they here?"
All eight children pipe,"Yes, Father, \we're all here."
He says, "Our wonderful relatives...are they here as well?"
Brothers,sisters,nieces,and nephews all say,"Yes,Oleg.We're here,too."
Oleg says,"Then why is the kitchen light on?!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-17-2003, 12:05 PM:
Rated G Baby Blues
Dedicated to Any Who Have "Senior Moments"
My forgetter's getting better,
But my rememberer is broke
To you that may seem funny
But, to me, that is no joke
For when I'm "here" I'm wondering
If I really should be "there"
And, when I try to think it through,
I haven't got a prayer!
Oft times I walk into a room,
Say "what am I here for?"
I wrack my brain, but all in vain!
A zero, is my score.
At times I put something away
Where it is safe, but, Gee!
The person it is safest from
Is, generally, me!
When shopping I may see someone,
Say "Hi" and have a chat,
Then, when the person walks away
I ask myself, "who was that?"
Yes, my forgetter's getting better
While my rememberer is broke,
And it's driving me plumb crazy
And that isn't any joke.
~Author (Can't Remember)
Can You Relate???
I Don't Remember If I Even Sent This In!!!!
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-24-2003, 10:50 AM:
Rated G
Old Mrs.Cohen sidled up to a guest at one of her daughter's social evenings. She had heard him addressed as doctor and now she said,"Doctor,may I ask a question?"
"Certainly," he said.
"Lately," said Mrs. Cohen,"I have been having a funny pain right here under the heart--"
The guest interrupted uncomfortably and said,"I'm terribly sorry,Mrs.Cohen, but the truth is,I'm a doctor of philosophy."
"Oh," said Mrs. Cohen, "I'm sorry!" She turned away,but then overcome with curiosity, she turned back."Just one more question, doctor. Tell me, what kind of disease is philosophy?"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-26-2003, 05:31 AM:
Rated PG
An elderly woman entered a large furniture store and was greeted by a much younger salesman.
"Is there something in particular I can show you?" he asked.
"Yes, I want to buy a sexual sofa."
"You mean a sectional sofa," he suggested.
"Sectional schmectional." she bitterly retorted. "All I want is an occasional piece in the living room!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-28-2003, 02:36 PM:
Rated PG
Two men in their 80's are talking in the park. The first one looks at his watch and says, "I must go now, it's time to meet my wife for sex."
The other man says, "We're in our 80's now -- how do you still manage to get it hard?"
"By eating a lot of Rye bread," comes the reply. "That makes it hard as a rock."
The man has to try it and goes to the bakery. He asks the girl for ten loaves of rye bread. The girl asks if it's for a party and he replies, "No, it's all for me."
The girl says, "All for you, it's going to get hard."
The man replies, "Everybody knows about it but me !!!!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-18-2003, 07:01 AM:
Rated G Ed in Aurora, Ontario
An old farmer had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back forty, had it fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, basketball court, etc. The pond was fixed for swimming when it was built.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end of the pond.
One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"
The old man replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim or make you get out of the pond, I only came to feed my alligators."
Old age & treachery will triumph over youth & skill!
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-21-2003, 12:08 PM:
Rated G Sue Bee
According to a new study elderly drivers may not need to hang up their keys, they may simply need driver education.
And really thick bands of rubber around the outside of their cars
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-21-2003, 01:13 PM:
Rated G Sue Bee
Two gentlemen were discussing the prospects of retirement.While
one guy had lots of hobbies, the other fellow had no hobbies,and
was rather concerned about being set loose with nothing to do.
The first guy suggested his friend go visit his kids.The man
said, "Well,I only have two kids, but I could buy a motor home
and go visit my brothers and sisters,that would take about a
year."
The first guy looked a bit puzzled,so his friend said,"I'm one
of eighteen kids in my family."
The first fellow's eyes got rather large,contemplating eighteen
children, so the man volunteered to explain.
"The problem was,my mother was hard of hearing."
Puzzlement.
Smile."My Mom & Dad would go to bed at night,and my Dad would
ask,'Do you want to go to sleep, or what?' and my Mom would say,
"What?"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-25-2003, 07:34 AM:
Rated G
A 92-year-old woman had a full cardiac arrest at home and was
rushed to the hospital.
After about thirty minutes of unsuccessful resuscitation attempts,the old lady was pronounced dead.
The doctor went to tell the lady's 78-year-old daughter that her mother didn't make it.
"Didn't make it? Where could they be? She left in the ambulance forty-five minutes ago!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-26-2003, 02:16 PM:
Rated G
Molested
A senior citizen's group chartered a bus from Brooklyn to
Atlantic City. As they entered New Jersey, an elderly woman came
up to the driver and said "I've been molested!"
The driver thought she was just being delusional, and told her to
go sit back down.
10 minutes later, another old woman came forward and claimed
SHE'D been molested. The driver thought he had a bus load of
wackos - who'd molest them?
10 minutes later, a third came up and said she'd been molested
too. The driver decided he'd had enough, and pulled into the rest
stop. When he stood up, he saw an old man on his hands and knees
in the aisle.
"Hey gramps, what are you doing down there?"
"I lost my toupee. Three times I thought I found it, but when I
grabbed it, it ran away..."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-02-2003, 10:43 AM:
Rated G Widows
Two widows were visiting in the lounge of the senior's center....
"Well" said one, "Mary has just cremated her third husband."
"Yeah, that's the way it goes,"replied the other widow. "Some of us can't find a husband, and others have husbands to burn!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-02-2003, 11:15 AM:
Rated G
When dealing with aging,lighten the load by using the expression,
'There is nothing wrong with getting old as long as you keep doing it. It's when you stop doing it that troubles really start.'
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-02-2003, 11:19 AM:
Rated G
Two ladies were hanging out together and one was depressed.
"What's wrong?" The depressed one replied, "I've been married four times and everyone of my husbands has passed away."
The other lady asked, "What did they used to do?"
The depressed lady replied, "Well, my first husband was a
millionaire, the second was a magician, the third was an
evangelist, and the fourth was a mortician."
And the other said, "Oh, I see, one for the money, two for the
show, three to get ready, and four to go..."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-25-2003, 08:17 AM:
Rated G Baby Blues
An old man was relaxing at his hundredth birthday party when a
reporter went up to him."Sir,what is the secret of your long life?"
The man considered this for a moment,then replied "every day at 9PM I have a glass of port.Good for the heart I've heard."
The reporter replied,"That's ALL?" The man smiled,"That,and
canceling my voyage on Titanic."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-27-2003, 03:48 AM:
Rated G Lorraine
Old folks are worth a fortune,with silver in their hair,gold in their teeth,stones in their kidneys,lead in their feet,and gas in their stomachs.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-28-2003, 01:03 PM:
Rated G Lorraine
Two elderly men are sitting on a park bench, watch the young girls go by. One says to the other you know I'm still sexually
interested in women.In fact I always get excited when I see the
pretty young girls walking by.
The real problem is that at this age,I don't see so good any more.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-28-2003, 01:07 PM:
Rated G Lorraine
An elderly man tells his doctor he is planning on marrying a
women of 30 and would he have any suggestions.
"Yes",says the doctor,"I would advise you to take in a boarder."
A year later at his 80th year check-up,the doctor asks how everything is going.
The elderly man says fine his wife is pregnant.
The doctor remarks,"So you took my advice and took in a boarder ?
"Yes I did", came the elderly man's reply,"and she's pregnant too."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-29-2003, 04:59 PM:
Rated G ![[eyes]](graemlins/eyes.gif)
There were these two elderly people living in a Florida mobile
home park. He was a widower and she a widow. They had known one
another for a number of years.
One evening there was a community supper in the big activity
center. These two were at the same table, across from one another. As the meal went on, he made a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered up his courage to ask her, "Will you marry me?"
After about six seconds of careful consideration, she answered.
"Yes, Yes, I will."
The meal ended and with a few more pleasant exchanges, they went
to their respective places. Next morning, he was troubled. "Did
she say 'yes' or did she say 'no'?" He couldn't remember. Try as
he would, he just could not recall. Not even a faint memory.
With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her. First,he explained to her that he didn't remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the lovely evening past. As he gained a little more courage, he then inquired of her,"When I asked if you would marry me,did you say 'Yes' or did you say 'No'?" He was delighted to hear her say,"Why, I said,'Yes, yes I will'and I meant it with all my heart."
Then she continued, "And I am so glad that you called, because I
couldn't remember who had asked me."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 05-01-2003, 10:51 AM:
Rated R
The newlywed seniors were having sexual problems.The counselor thought it might be due to the fact that the woman was taller. He suggested special shoes with built-up heels to help the man's ego.
The next month,he asked if things had improved in their love life with the shoes.
"Well yes..."the woman replied,"but those shoes get the sheets so dirty."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 05-19-2003, 07:27 AM:
Rated PG
Two elderly ladies were sitting in rocking chairs on the porch of a nursing home.One asked the other,"Ethel,do you remember the minuet?
Ethel responded,"Hell I can't even remember the ones that I screwed.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 05-21-2003, 06:35 AM:
Rated G
GrandPa's Wisdom
I think we all could use some of these .. just wished it was
sooner!)
Whether a man winds up with the nest egg or a goose egg depends a lot on the kind of chick he marries.
Trouble in marriage often starts when a man gets so busy earnin'
his salt that he forgets his sugar.
Too many couples marry for better or for worse, but not for good.
When a man marries a woman,they become one,but the trouble
starts when they try to decide which one.
If a man has enough "horse sense" to treat his wife like a
thoroughbred,she will never be an old nag.
Judgin' from the specimens they pick for husbands,it's no wonder
that brides often blush.
On anniversaries the wise husband always forgets the past...but
never the present.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 05-27-2003, 07:10 AM:
Rated G
Pick Up Lines for Older People..
"What a nice girl like you doing in a place like....where exactly are we?"
"Yes, Im 92...but I still have the body of a 78 year old."
"WHO'S your grandaddy?"
"Your beautiful blue eyes are like limpid sapphire pools, Your blue hair, too."
"Hey Babe, looking for a good time? How's about coming home with me and Z-Z-Z-Z-Z-Z-Z-Z-Z-Z-Z.."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 05-27-2003, 07:17 AM:
Rated G Getting Old - Carol in The... Bronx
You know you're old when you reach down to get the wrinklesout of your panty hoseand realize you aren't wearing any?
I've reached the age where the happy hour is a nap.
You have reached middle age when all you excerise is caution."
Anyone who thinks old age is golden must not have had an exciting youth.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-04-2003, 11:22 AM:
Rated G
Senility
An elderly couple who were childhood sweethearts had married and
settled down in their old neighborhood and are celebrating their
fiftieth wedding anniversary.They walk down the street to their old school.
They hold hands as they find the old desk they'd shared and where he had carved "I love you, Sally."
On their way back home, a bag of money falls out of an armored carpractically at their feet.She quickly picks it up,but they
don't know what to do with it so they take it home.There,she
counts the money, and it's fifty thousand dollars.
The husband says,"We've got to give it back."
She says,"Finders keepers." And she puts the money back in the
bag and hides it up in their attic.
The next day, two FBI men are going door-to-door in the
neighborhood looking for the money and show up at their home.
They say,"Pardon me,but did either of you find any money that
fell out of an armored car yesterday?"
She says, "No."
The husband says,"She's lying. She hid it up in the attic."
She says,"Don't believe him, he's getting senile."
But the agents sit the man down and begin to question him. One
says,"Tell us the story from the beginning."
The old man says, "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from
school yesterday..."
The FBI guy looks at his partner and says,"Let's get out of
here."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-05-2003, 08:13 AM:
Rated G
BEEN THERE! -- DONE THAT!
And I'd do it all over again if I could remember the way. But now that I'm older I'd probably forget what I was going back for and most likely wouldn't be able to do it again anyway.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-05-2003, 08:18 AM:
Rated R
"I'll tell you," one old guy said, "I've learned that arthritis is the cruelest disease."
"Crueler than cancer?" his friend asked.
"You bet," the first old codger replied. "It makes every single one of your joints stiff, except the right one."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-05-2003, 01:14 PM:
Rated G
An elderly couple stood near me in the supermarket's produce section.The man picked up a bunch of bananas and said to his wife,"These are nice.How about some banana-nut bread?"
I glanced at his spouse and felt sorry for her.She looked tired and,I presumed,not willing to do any baking.My sympathy vanished,however,when shesnapped at him,"I'm sick of banana-nut bread,Joe! Can't you make something else?"
[ 06-12-2003, 08:12 AM: Message edited by: Bob Maar ]
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-12-2003, 12:20 PM:
Rated G popo
An elderly couple had a parlor in which they kept a couple of foodbins.One of those bins contained apples, and the other bin
contained nuts.
They were having quite a bit of trouble wth mice, so one evening
before going to bed they set a couple of mouse traps, one by the
bin of apples and one by the bin of nuts.
During the night they heard a trap snap.The old gentleman got up
to see which mouse trap had caught a mouse.
On returning to bed his wife asked,"Well did we catch him by the
apples?"
The old gentleman replied, "Nope, try again."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-15-2003, 07:14 AM:
Rated G Michele
You know, there was a time when men dreaded getting old because
they knew it would rob them of their sexual power.
But thanks to modern medicine, couples are having sex well into
their 70's and 80's, to the point where you can now buy edible
panties fortified with calcium.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-18-2003, 06:49 PM:
Rated G Michele
Ways to Seduce Your Spouse After Fifty Years of Marriage.
Secretly replace his Centrum Silver with Viagra.
Light a few candles and put on some romantic music - then dress up like "Matlock."
Walk around the house in a T-shirt, black socks and no underpants. Hey,it worked for my old man.
Sensuous Aspercreme rubdowns.
Shout lewd suggestions into her hearing aid.
Crank up the oxygen tent to "high" and hope you get lucky.
Give her a sensual foot massage, and while you're down there, go
ahead and rub her breasts as well.
Tiger-striped Depends, baby!
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-29-2003, 09:00 AM:
Rated G Lorraine
I have gotten to the age where I need my false teeth and hearing
aid before I can ask where I left my glasses.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-29-2003, 08:20 PM:
Rated G Sue Bee
A very old couple book a honeymoon suite in a five-star hotel to
celebrate their 50th marriage anniversary.
The bell boy while taking their luggage to the suite thinks to
himself,"At this age, they are booking a suite. What a waste!"
After leaving them in their room with a very heavy tip he decides to spy on them. At night, he sits in the lobby opposite their room. And what does he hear? Laughing and clapping sounds from their room. All night long.
He could not believe his ears. In the morning, he apologized to
the husband for having spied on them,but being very inquisitive, he asks him how can he do what he did at this age.
The husband replied, "See it is this way. First, I remove my
clothes.Then I lie down on the bed face up. Then my wife removes
her clothes. Then..." The bell boy leans into the old man and
says, "Then what, WHAT?"
The old husband smiles and says, "Then my wife lifts up my penis
with one hand,and then we make a bet."
The bell boy hollers,"A BET? What bet?!"
If it falls to left, I win; and if it falls to right she wins,"
the husband replied with a smirk.
The bell boy asks, "Well,what if it doesn't fall?"
"Then we both win," says the old man.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-30-2003, 04:01 PM:
Rated G
Jimmie, an 80-year-old gentleman, retired to Florida after his
wife of 58 years had passed away. He was quite alone in the world and longed for companionship. One day, as he was walking through a public park, he spied what he considered to be a very pretty silver-haired lady sitting alone on a park bench. Getting his nerve up, he approached the lady and asked graciously, "Pardon me, ma'am, but may I sit here with you."
The silver-haired Marcia looked up to see a distinguished looking
white-haired gentleman and replied, "Why certainly," and scooted
over gently to give him room to sit down.
For the next two hours the two sat and talked about everything.
They discovered that they came from the same part of the country, liked the same big band music, voted for the same presidential candidates, had had long happy marriages and lost their spouses in the last year, and in general agreed about almost everything.
Finally,the old gentleman cleared his throat and asked
sheepishly,"Ma' am, may I ask you two questions?"
With great anticipation Marcia replied, "Why certainly!"
The old gentleman removed a handkerchief from his coat pocket and spread it out on the ground before her. He very gingerly got down on one knee and looked her softly in the eyes. "Marcia, I know we've only known each other for a couple of hours, but we have so much in common. I feel I have known you all my life. Will you marry me and be my wife?"
Marcia grabbed at Jimmie's hands and said, "Why, yes, I will
marry you! You have made me so very happy!" She reached over and
kissed him gently on the cheek. Then Marcia said, "You said you
had two questions to ask me.What is the second question?"
Jimmie scratched his neck and said,"Will you help me get up?"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-30-2003, 06:02 PM:
Rated G
An old man turned 96 and was being interviewed by a reporter for
the local paper. During the interview the reporter noticed that
the yard was full of children of all ages playing together. A
very pretty girl of about 19 served the old man and the reporter,
keeping them in fresh tea and running errands for them.
"Are these your grandkids?", the reporter asked.
"No sir, they all be my young'uns," the old man replied with a
sly grin.
"Your kids?" said the reporter.
"What about this beautiful young lady who keeps bringing us tea?
Is she one of your children too?"
"No sir," said the old man. "She be my wife."
"Your wife?" said the surprised reporter. "But she can't be more
than 19 years old."
"Thass right," said the old man with pride.
"Well, surely you can't have a sex life with you being 96 and she
being only 19," the reporter remarked.
"Yes sir," said the old man. "We have sex every night. Every
night two of my boys helps me on her, and every morning six of my
boys helps me off."
"Wait just one minute," said the newspaperman. "Why does it only
take two of your boys to put you on, but it takes six of them to
take you off?"
"Oh hell, Sonny" the spry old man said with a tight fist, "I
fight 'em."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 07-07-2003, 07:01 AM:
Rated G Michele
Two old men were sipping brandies in their gentleman's club when they spotted an elderly man in the corner one of them vaguely recognized.
"I say", said the first, "Isn't that the Pope over there?"
"I really don't know," came the reply. "Why don't you go and ask
him?"
"Good idea." So he made his way over to the elderly gentleman in
the corner.
"Excuse me, sir", he asked, "but are you the Pope?"
"Fuck off and die, dickhead!" replied the elderly man irritably.
Taken aback, the club member returned to his friend.
"What did he say?" he asked.
"He said, 'fuck off and die, dickhead!'"
"Damn. Now we'll never know if he was the Pope."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 07-08-2003, 05:25 PM:
Rated G
A driver pulled up beside a rundown farmhouse.He got out and knocked at the door.A very old woman answered the door, and he asked her for directions to Des Moines.
"Don't know," the woman said.
He got back in his car and pulled away.Then he heard voices.He looked in his rearview mirror and saw the woman and an equally old man waving for him to come back.So he made a U-turn and drove up to them.
"This is my husband," the old woman said. "He doesn't know how to get to Des Moines either!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 07-14-2003, 02:23 PM:
Rated G Michele
Just as she was celebrating her 80th birthday, our friend received a jury-duty notice. She called to remind the people at the clerk's office that she was exempt because of her age.
"You need to come in and fill out the exemption forms," they said.
"I've already done that," she replied. "I did it last year."
"You have to do it every year," she was told.
"Why?" came the response. "Do you think I'm going to get any
younger?"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 07-19-2003, 01:07 PM:
Rated R Dennis in Yonkers
Grandma knows best
Bob walks up to the porch of his grandparent's home and notices Grandpa sitting on the porch,in his rocking chair,with nothing on from the waist down.
"Grandpa, what are you doing?" he asks. The old man looks off in the distance without answering.
"Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?" Bob asks again.
The old man slowly looks up at him and says, "Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. "This is your grandma's idea."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 07-22-2003, 09:03 AM:
Rated G
A 100 year old man was having a big birthday party at his nursing home.A TV crew was there to interview the man on this special day.
"Please tell our audience how you managed to live so long," said
the reporter.
"Well,I don't ever drink and I've never smoked," replied the old geezer."And, I make it a point to stay away from wild women."
Just then,there was a loud shriek in the hall.The crew turned to see a nurse run by,followed by an agile looking, older man.
The older man carried a foul smelling cigar in one hand and a glass of whiskey in the other.As he ran by, he paused for a moment,looked at the crowd and let out a hardy, "He, he, he!" and then continued his pursuit.
"What was that all about?" asked the astonished reporter.
Replied the old geezer,"Please excuse my father - he gets carried away sometimes!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 07-24-2003, 06:44 AM:
Rated G
A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his
mother asking him to send her a current picture. Too embarrassed
to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts one in
half and sends her the top part.
Later, he receives another letter asking him to send a picture to his grandmother.The man cuts another picture in half, but
accidentally sends the bottom half. He is really worried when he
realizes that he sent the wrong part,but then remembers how bad
his grandmother's eyesight is and hopes she won't notice.
A few weeks later he receives a letter from his grandmother.It
says,"Thank you for the picture. Change your hair style.It makes your nose look long."
Posted by Bill Gabel (Member # 1105) on 07-30-2003, 11:29 AM:
SMOKING Rated PG-13
Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.
Lady 1: What's that?
Lady 2: A condom. This way my cigartte doesn't get wet.
Lady 1: Where did you get it?
Lady 2: You can get them at any drugstore.
The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The guy, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand she prefers. "Doesn't matter son, as long as it fits a Camel." The pharmacist fainted!
Posted by Gordon Bachlund (Member # 124) on 08-07-2003, 05:15 PM:
Some of the artists from the 60's and 70's are re-releasing their hits with
new lyrics to accommodate we geezer coots.
Herman's Hermits- "Mrs. Brown, You've Got A Lovely Walker"
The Bee Gees - "How Can You Mend A Broken Hip"
The Temptations - "Papa's Got A Kidney Stone"
Ringo Starr - "I Get By With A Little Help From Depends"
Marvin Gaye - "I Heard It Through The Grape Nuts"
Procol Harem - "A Whiter Shade Of Hair"
Johnny Nash - "I Can't See Clearly Now"
Leo Sayer - "You Make Me Feel Like Napping"
ABBA - "Denture Queen"
Paul Simon - "Fifty Ways To Lose Your
Liver"
Commodores - "Once, Twice, Three Times To TheBathroom"
Rolling Stones - "You Can't Always Pee When You Want"
Bobby Darin - "Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' A Flash"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 08-22-2003, 06:18 AM:
Rated G Sue Bee
While working at the mall,I saw an elderly couple holding hands
while they were walking.As they approached,I commented on how
romantic it was.
He replied,"We have been holding hands when we go out in public
for over thirty years.I have to.
If I let go, she shops.
Posted by Gordon Bachlund (Member # 124) on 08-25-2003, 06:08 PM:
With the average cost for a Nursing Home per day reaching $188.00, there
is a better way when we get old and feeble.
I have ascertained that I can get a nice room at the Holiday Inn for around
$65.00...that leaves $123.00 a day for beer, food (room service), laundry,
gratuities and “special” TV movies. They have a swimming pool, a workout
room, a lounge, washer, dryer, etc. Most have free toothpaste and
razors, and all have free shampoo and soap. Super 8 is somewhat more economical and they have a free breakfast, though you usually have to walk next door for lunch and dinner.
There may be a bit of a wait to get that first floor room, but that's OK,
it takes months to get into decent nursing homes. There is the Senior Bus,
the Handicap bus (if you fake a decent limp), a Church bus or van, cabs, and
even a regular bus. For a change of lunch take the Airport Bus and eat
at one of the fast food cafes there.
The Inn has security, and if someone sees you drop over, they will call an
ambulance. And should you break a hip, the American Way is to sue. What
more can you ask for?
As a bonus, they all have AARP and other Senior discounts.
So, when I reach the Golden Age, help me keep my grin. Just check my old rickety ass into the nearest Holiday Inn!
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 08-26-2003, 06:25 AM:
Rated G Louise
An elderly retired gentleman had had severe hearing problems for
some time.
He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted
for a set of hearing aids that allowed the man to hear better than he had ever heard before.
One month later,the elderly man went back again to the doctor.
The doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect.Your family must be
really pleased that you can hear again."
The gentleman said, "Oh,I haven't told my family yet.I just sit
around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 08-29-2003, 06:54 AM:
Rated G Diane in Las Vegas
Just heard on CNN that the average cost for a Nursing Home per day in the USA is $188!!
Now, I figure it this way,I can get a real nice room at the Holiday Inn for around $65... that leaves $123 for beer,food (room service),laundry,Elvis collectibles,gratuities and clothes.They have a swimming pool,some even have a workout room (therapy),a lounge, cable (recreation),washer dryer(if I am too impaired,a child or grandchild can pick up my clothes once a week,or they could rotate,that way everyone would only have to do it twice a year).
Most have free toothpaste and razors, but all have free shampoo and soap.
There may be a bit of a wait to get that first floor room, but that's alright, it takes months to get into some Nursing Homes. There is the Senior bus, the Handicap bus, a Church bus or van, cabs, alert cabs, and in some cities... The Duck! You have security and if someone sees you drop over, I am sure they would call an ambulance (if you break your hip, hopefully the family would be smart enough to sue). What more could you ask for?!
With AARP and other Senior discounts, I could be livin pretty dern nicely.
So,
When I reach that Golden age,
Help me keep my grin,
Just check my ole rickety ass,
Into the nearest Holiday Inn!
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 09-09-2003, 12:36 PM:
Rated G Hank in Simi
Two old men decide they are close to their last days on earth and decide to have a last night on the town. After a few drinks they end up at the local brothel.
The madam takes one look at the two old geezers and whispers to her manager "go up to the first two rooms and put an inflated doll in each bed. These two are so old and drunk,I'm not wasting two of my girls on them. They won't know the difference."
Her manager does as he is told and the two old men go up the stairs and take care of their business.
As they are walking home the first one says, "You know, I think my girl was dead!" "Dead?" says his friend, "why would you think that?" "Well, she never moved or made a sound all the time I was loving her."
His friend says, "I think mine was a witch." "A WITCH!!! Why the hell would you say that?" "Well, I was making love to her, kissing on her neck and I gave it a little bite, then she farted and flew out the window!!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 09-12-2003, 03:56 PM:
Rated G Michele
An old couple were on holiday, and booked a room in a luxury hotel.The only room left to rent was on the top floor, between the lift and the bridal suite.
The next day,the old woman complained to the manager "It's too damn noisy!We didn't get any sleep last night!"
"I'm sorry to hear that, madam." said the manager"What noises kept you awake?"
"Well, on one side of our room,it was 'up and down'all night,and on the other side it was'in and out'."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 09-15-2003, 05:08 AM:
Rated G Ed in Georgian Bay
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades.
Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures.Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said,"Now don't get mad at me.I know we've been friends for a long time,but I just can't think of your name!
I've thought and thought,but I can't remember it.Please tell me what your name is." Her friend glared at her.For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her.
Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"
Posted by Gordon Bachlund (Member # 124) on 09-21-2003, 04:38 PM:
Three sisters, ages 92, 94, and 96 live in a house together.
One night the 96 year old draws a bath. She puts one foot in and pauses.
She yells down the stairs, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"
The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see."
She starts up the stairs and pauses. Then, she yells, "Was I going up the stairs or down?"
The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea, listening to her sisters. She
shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful." She knocks on wood
for good measure. She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see
who's at the door."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 09-23-2003, 06:19 AM:
Rated R Lorraine
The old couple were planning to go on a second honeymoon for their 50th wedding anniversary.
The old woman said, "We will go to all the same places that we did on our first honeymoon."
"Uh huh," agreed the old man.
"We will do all the things that we did on our first honeymoon,"
said the old woman.
"Uh huh," agreed the old man.
"And we will make love like we did on our first honeymoon," said
the old woman.
"That's right," said the old man, "except this time I get to sit
on the side of the bed and cry, 'It's too big, it's too big!'"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 09-25-2003, 03:32 PM:
Rated G Faye in Kingston Ont.
A Prayer for You....
Now I lay me down to sleep.
I pray the Lord my shape to keep.
Please no wrinkles, please no bags
And please lift my butt before it sags.
Please no age spots, please no gray-
And, as for my belly, please take it away.
Please keep me healthy, please keep me young-
And, thank you Dear Lord for all that you've done!
THE TRUTH IN 13 WORDS...
Inside every " middle aged" person is a younger person wondering what in the world happened.
Posted by Gordon Bachlund (Member # 124) on 09-28-2003, 03:57 PM:
On the subject of aging?
----------------------------------------
An older Jewish gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he
insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation. As he was
about to get the anesthesia he asked to speak to his son. "Yes, Dad, what is
it?" "Don't be nervous, son; do your best and just remember, if it doesn't
go well, if something happens to me ... your mother is going to come and
live with you and your wife...."
-----------------------------------------
Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age
and start bragging about it.
------------------------------------------
The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
------------------------------------------
Some people try to turn back their odometers, not me, I want people to know
"why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads
weren't paved.
--------------------------------------------
How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are?
----------------------------------------------
When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of
Algebra.
---------------------------------------------
You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.
----------------------------------------------
I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.
----------------------------------------------
One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a
Nice change from being young.
----------------------------------------------
Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.
-----------------------------------------------
Old age is when former classmates are so gray and wrinkled and bald, they
don't recognize you.
----------------------------------------------
If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at
when you are old.
--------------------------------------
First you forget names, and then you forget faces. Then you forget to pull
up your zipper. It's worse when you forget to pull it down.
-------------------------------------------
Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called
witchcraft... Today, it's called golf
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-06-2003, 06:41 AM:
Rated G
THINGS THAT IT TOOK ME OVER 50 YEARS TO LEARN.
1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."
3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
5. You should not confuse your career with your life.
6. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
7. Never lick a steak knife.
8. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.
9. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.
10. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
11. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.
12. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.
13. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.
(This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)
14. Your friends love you anyway.
15. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.
16. FINAL Thought for the day: Men are like a fine wine. They start out as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.
Now..there, doesn't that just touch your heart?
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-20-2003, 08:20 AM:
Rated G
The Perks of Being Over 60
1. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
2. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't
remember them either.
3. Your joints are more accurate meteor-ologists than the
national weather service.
4. People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?"
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won't wear out.
8. You can eat dinner at 4 P.M.
9. You can live without sex but not without glasses.
10. You enjoy hearing about other peoples operations.
11. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
12. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
13. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
14. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks
into the room.
15. You sing along with elevator music.
16. Your eyes won't get much worse.
17. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to
pay off.
18. You can't remember who sent you this list.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-20-2003, 01:44 PM:
Rated G Dennis in Yonkers
Have you ever noticed that when you're of a certain age, everything seems uphill from where you are? Stairs are steeper. Groceries are heavier. And, everything is farther away. Yesterday I walked to the corner and I was dumbfounded to discover how long our street had become!
And, you know, people are less considerate now, especially the young ones. They speak in whispers all the time! If you ask them to speak up they just keep repeating themselves, endlessly mouthing the same silent message until they're red in the face! What do they think I am, a lip reader?
I also think they are much younger than I was at the same age. On the other hand, people my own age are so much older than I am. I ran into an old friend the other day and she has aged so much that she didn't even recognize me. I got to thinking about the poor dear while I was combing my hair this morning, and in doing so, I glanced at my own refection........Well, REALLY NOW. Even mirrors are not made the way they used to be!
Another thing, everyone drives so fast today! You're risking life and limb if you just happen to pull onto the freeway in front of them. All I can say is, their brakes must wear out awfully fast, the way I see them screech and swerve in my rear view mirror.
Clothing manufacturers are less civilized these days. Why else would they suddenly start labeling a size 10 or 12 dress as 18 or 20? Do they think no one notices that these things no longer fit around the waist, hips, thighs, and bosom?
The people who make bathroom scales are pulling the same prank, but in reverse. Do they think I actually "believe" the number I see on that dial? HA! I would never let myself weigh that much! Just who do these people think they're fooling?
I'd like to call up someone in authority to report what's going on -- but the telephone company is in on the conspiracy too: they've printed the phone books in such small type that no one could ever find a number in here!
All I can do is pass along this warning: Maturity is under attack! Unless something drastic happens, pretty soon "everyone" will have to suffer these awful indignities.
PS: I am sending this to you in a larger font size, because something has caused fonts to be smaller than they once were too.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-22-2003, 07:20 AM:
Rated G
Two Elderly Men sitting on a park bench, watch the young girls go by. One says to the other you know I'm still sexually interested in Women.In fact I always get excited when I see the young Girls walking by.The real problem is, that at this age I dont see so good any more.
----------------------------------
This old man marries a girl barely out of her teens. Needless to say she is asking for it so whenever they get into bed on the wedding night she asks him "So are we going to have rampant sex tonight?" The man responds by raising his hand and outstreching his fingers. "What? Five times?" asks the eager girl. "No", he replied. "Pick a finger".
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-23-2003, 01:41 PM:
Rated G B.B.
When you're over 50 you can still do all the things you did when you were 17 ... that's if you don't mind making a complete ass of yourself."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-23-2003, 02:05 PM:
Rated G Closing The Generation Gap
Said the little boy, "Sometimes I drop my spoon."
Said the old man, "I do that too."
The little boy whispered, "I wet my pants."
"I do that too," laughed the old man."
Said the little boy, "I often cry."
The old man nodded, "So do I."
"But worst of all," said the boy, "it seems
grown-ups don’t pay attention to me."
And he felt the warmth of a wrinkled old hand.
"I know what you mean," said the old man.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-24-2003, 04:14 AM:
Rated G
"Do you mean to tell me your whole family was shocked and
surprised when your ninety-five-year-old uncle died?" Bill asked Doug.
"That's right." Doug said.
"But if he was ninety-five-years-old, why was everybody
surprised." Bill asked.
Doug shakes his head and says, "Well, who the heck would ever
expect his parachute to not open?"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-31-2003, 08:25 PM:
Rated G Signs Your A Senior
1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
2. In a hostage situation, you are likely to be released
3. No one expects you to run into a burning building.
4. People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?"
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won't wear out.
8. You can eat dinner at 4 P.M.
10. You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
11. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
12. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
13. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
14. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
15. You sing along with elevator music.
16. Your eyes won't get much worse.
17. Your health plan is beginning to pay off.
18. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the National Weather Service.
19. Your secrets are safe with your friends, because they can't remember them either.
20. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
21. You can't remember who sent you this list.
Posted by Gordon Bachlund (Member # 124) on 11-07-2003, 01:08 PM:
An older lady gets pulled over for speeding...
Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Older Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?
Older Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Older Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls
for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior
officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman
steps out of her vehicle.
Older woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and
murdered the owner.
Older Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car?
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite
stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driver's
license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it
to the officer.
The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a
license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the
owner.
Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-17-2003, 02:28 PM:
Rated G Gordon in Toronto Eating my Butter Tarts
An elderly lady enters the bar of a cruise ship and asks the bartender for a Scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says, "I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today."
The bartender says, "Well, since it's your birthday, this drink's on me."
As the lady finishes her drink, another younger lady to her right says, "I'd like to buy you a drink too. The elderly lady kindly acceptsthe offer. Bartender says she, I want a Scotch with two drops of water. Coming up," says the bartender."As she finishes her drink, a man to her left says, "I'd like to buy you one too." Again she accepts graciously. Bartender, I'd like another Scotch with two drops of water. Comin' right up," says the bartender.
As he gives her the drink, he says, "Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?" The woman replies,
"Sonny, by the time you're my age you've learned how to hold your liquor.
Water, however, is a whole different story."
Posted by Gordon Bachlund (Member # 124) on 11-21-2003, 12:40 PM:
1. Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, "Mabel, did you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?" Mabel answered, "I have? A suppository?" She pulled it out and stared at it. Then she said, "Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where my hearing aid is."
2. When the husband finally died his wife put the usual death notice in the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea. No sooner were the papers delivered when a good friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, "You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea. Replied the widow, "I nursed him night and day so of course I know he died of diarrhea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big shit he always was."
3. An elderly couple was on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days and couldn't find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something. Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat. It read: "Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and, attached to her butt was an oyster, and in it was a pearl worth $50,000 . please advise" The old man faxed back: "Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap"
4. A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan! They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then dies. Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out: "Watch that wall!"
5. When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady sitting on a park bench sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong. She said, "I have a 22 year old husband at home. He makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee." I said, "Well, then why are you crying?" She said, "He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me for half the afternoon." I said, "Well, why are you crying?" She said, "For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m. I said, "Well, why in the world would you be crying?" She said, "I can't remember where I live!"
6. Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me.....I know we've been friends for a long time.....but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is. Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?
THE SENILITY PRAYER
Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
Now, I think you're supposed to send this to 5 or 6, maybe 10 .. oh well, send it to a bunch of your friends if you can remember who they are. Then something is supposed to happen . . . I think.. (Maybe you get your memory back.)
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-23-2003, 10:16 AM:
Rated G Ed in Aurora, Ont.
SENIOR EXERCISE REGIMEN
Pass this along to your senior friends For hose getting along in years, here is a little ecret for building arm and shoulder muscles.
Three days a week works well.
Begin by standing outside behind the house,and ith a 5-lb. potato sack in each hand... extend your rms straight out to your sides and hold them there as long as you can,
After a few weeks,move up to 10-lb. potato sacks and then a 50lb Potato sack,and finally get towhere you can lift a 100 lb. potato sack ineach hand and hold your arms straight for more than afull minute.
Next... start putting a few potatoes in the acks, but be careful not to overdo.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-28-2003, 05:56 PM:
Rated G
Despite what you may have seen on the streets, the following combinations DO NOT go together:
A nose ring and bifocals.
Spiked hair and bald spots.
A pierced tongue and dentures.
Miniskirts and support hose.
Ankle bracelets and corn pads.
Speedos and cellulite.
A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar.
Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor.
Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge.
Bikinis and liver spots.
Short shorts and varicose veins.
In-line skates and a walker.
But, otherwise, WE'RE LOOKIN' GOOD !!!!!!!!!
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-01-2003, 12:51 PM:
Rated G Michele
Two older men sat on a bench in the park.One said,"I hear that
eating raw oysters puts lead in your pencil."
The other man said,"I don't like raw oysters,and to tell you the truth,I don't have any women to write to!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-02-2003, 12:41 PM:
Rated PG
Pass this to any senior you know. Despite what you may have seen on the streets, the following combinations DO NOT go together:
A nose ring and bifocals
Spiked hair and bald spots
A pierced tongue and dentures
Miniskirts and support hose
Ankle bracelets and corn pads
Speedos and cellulite
A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar
Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor
Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge
Bikinis and liver spots
Short shorts and varicose veins
In-line skates and a walker
But, otherwise, YOU'RE LOOKIN' GOOD !
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-03-2003, 06:43 AM:
Rated G Michele
One elderly male called 911 and reported,"There's a woman over
here doing some yard work in one of those thong bikinis."
"Sir," said an exasperated dispatcher,"911 is an emergency
number.What do you expect the police to do about a woman in a
thong bikini?"
"Nothing," the guy said,"But if she keeps bending over the way
she is,I will be having a heart attack within the next 10
minutes,so I just wanted to alert you to sending an ambulance for me."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-03-2003, 02:45 PM:
Rated G Hank in Simi
Senior Moment
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house and, after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two elderly gentlemen were talking, and one says: "Last night we went out to a new restaurant, and it was really great.I would recommend
it very highly."
The other man says: "What's the name of the restaurant?"
The first man knits his brow in obvious concentration, and finally says to his companion:
"Aahh, what is the name of that red flower you give to someone you love?"
His friend replies: "A carnation?"
"No, no. The other one," the man says.
His friend offers another suggestion: "The poppy?"
"Nahhhh," growls the man. "You know - the one that is red and has thorns."
His friend says: "Do you mean a rose?"
"Yes! Thank you!" the first man says. He then turns toward the kitchen and yells: "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-06-2003, 11:03 AM:
Rated G Denny in Yonkers
At a nursing home a group of seniors were sitting around talking about all their ailments.
"My arms have gotten so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said one.
"Yes,I know," said another."My cataracts are so bad I can't even see my coffee."
"I couldn't even mark an 'X' at election time,my hands are so crippled," volunteered a third.
"What? Speak up! What? I can't hear you!" said a fourth.
"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said a fifth,to which several nodded weakly in agreement.
"My blood pressure pills make me so dizzy I can hardly walk!" exclaimed another.
"I forget where I am,and where I'm going," said an elderly gent.
"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man as he slowly shook his head. The others nodded in agreement.
"Well,count your blessings,"said one woman cheerfully,"thank God we can all still drive."
Posted by Gordon Bachlund (Member # 124) on 12-09-2003, 05:37 PM:
Miss Bea was in her eighties, and much admired for her sweetness and
kindness to all.
The pastor came to call on her one afternoon early in the spring, and
She welcomed him into her Victorian parlor. She invited him to have a seat
while she prepared a little tea.
As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut
glass bowl sitting on top of it, filled with water. In the water
floated, of all things, a condom.
Imagine his shock and surprise. Imagine his curiosity! Surely Miss Bea
had flipped or something...! But he certainly couldn't mention the strange
sight in her parlor.
When she returned with tea and cookies, they began to chat. The pastor
tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange
floater, but soon it got the better of him, and he could resist no
longer.
"Miss Bea," he said, pointing to the bowl, "I wonder if you would tell
me about this?"
"Oh, yes," she replied, "isn't it wonderful? I was walking downtown last
fall and I found this little package. It said to put it on the organ,
keep it wet, and it would prevent disease. And you know...I haven't had a
cold all winter!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-12-2003, 01:02 PM:
Rated PG
A couple was about to celebrate 50 years together. Their three kids, all very successful and wealthy, agreed to a Sunday dinner in honor of their parents. As usual, they were all late and had varied excuses.
"Happy anniversary mom and dad," gushed son number one...."Sorry I'm running late...didn't have time to get you a present."
"Not to worry," said dad. "The important thing is that we're all together today."
Son number two arrived and announced, "Just flew in from L.A. and didn't have time to get you anything...sorry."
"It's nothing," said the father, "glad you can be here."
The daughter arrived. "Happy anniversary! I'm sorry but I've been out of town and didn't bring a present."
Again the father said, "I really don't care, at least the five of us are together today."
During dinner, the father put down his fork,looked up and said, "Listen, you three, there's something your mother and I need to tell you. We came to this country penniless and desperate.Despite this,we were able to raise you and send you to college.But we never got around to getting married."
The three kids gasped and said,in unison,"You mean we're BASTARDS?"
"Yep," said the dad."And cheap ones too."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-12-2003, 01:41 PM:
Rated G Lorraine
Top 10 Reasons You Are Too Old to Drive
10. You listen to AM radio.
9. You look for earlybird gasoline specials.
8. You have a pager to find your car keys.
7. Your CAR is in a nursing home.
6. When people ask you if you want to go for a drive,you say" it all Depends".
5. You rush to get home before sunset.
4. You still remember drive-in movies.
3. You take drive thru in its literal meaning.
2. You think of the rules of the road more as guidelines.
And the main reason....there have been 80 new model years since
you first got your license.
Posted by Gordon Bachlund (Member # 124) on 12-29-2003, 06:01 PM:
Rated PG
Two elderly women were in a beauty parlor getting their hair done, when in walked a young chick with a low cut blouse that revealed a rose tattooed on one boob.
One lady leaned over to the other and said, "She don't know it, but in 50 years she'll be wearing a long stemmed rose in a hanging basket."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-09-2004, 10:06 AM:
Rated G
"Seasoned Citizen's" New Year's Resolutions
To be awake more than asleep
To remember the names of
my Kid's and Grandkid's
To see my family...
more often than my Doctor
To learn a new game besides Bingo
Not To say "Whipper Snapper"
Not To say "In my day..."
To spend more time
on the computer than the toilet
To learn to pronounce the names
of each blasted pill I have to take
To stop calling my spouse
"Old Woman ... or Old Man "
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-14-2004, 11:22 AM:
Rated G B.B.
The Benefits of Growing Older(and you thought there weren't any)
You talk about "good grass" and you're referring to someone's lawn.
Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.
Your back goes out more than you do.
Your ears are hairier than your head.
Your eyes won't get much worse.
Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay
off.
Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't
remember them either.
Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.
You're eligible to be on the Florida vote re-count team.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-10-2004, 02:39 PM:
Rated G
Reporters interviewing a 104 year-old woman: "And what do you
think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked.
She simply replied, "No peer pressure."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-26-2004, 01:49 PM:
Rated G
A retired man who volunteers to entertain patients in nursing
homes and hospitals went to New York City's Coney Island Hospital and took his portable keyboard along.He told some jokes and sang some funny songs at patients' bedsides.
When he finished he said, in farewell,"I hope you get better."
One elderly gentleman replied,"I hope you get better, too."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-05-2004, 04:08 AM:
Rated PG Nan in Florida
An elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and asked the
pharmacist for Viagra.
The pharmacist asked, "How many?" The man replied,"Just a few, maybe a half dozen.I cut each one into four pieces."
Upon hearing that the pharmacist said,"That's too small a dose.That won't get you through sex."
The old fellow said,"Oh,I'm past ninety years old and I don't even think about sex anymore.I just want it to stick out far enough so I don't pee on my shoes.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-05-2004, 03:11 PM:
Rated G Senior Ads Denny in Yonkers
Some "Senior" personal ads seen in Florida newspapers: (Who says seniors don't have a sense of humor?)
FOXY LADY: Sexy,fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty, 80's, slim,5'4" (used to be 5'6"),searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion.
Matching white shoes and belt a plus.
LONG-TERM COMMITMENT: Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband,and am looking for someone to round out a six-unit plot.Dizziness, fainting, shortness of breath not a problem.
SERENITY NOW: I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean,yoga and meditation.If you are the silent type,let's get together, take our hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times.
WINNING SMILE:Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated flosser to share rare steaks,corn on the cob and caramel candy.
BEATLES OR STONES? I still like to rock, still like to cruise in my Camaro on Saturday nights and still like to play the guitar.If you were a groovy chick,or are now a groovy hen,let's get together and listen to myeight-track tapes.
MEMORIES:I can usually remember Monday through Thursday.
If you can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday,let's put our two heads together.
MINT CONDITION:Male,1932, high mileage,good condition, some hair,many new parts including hip, knee, cornea,valves. Isn't in running condition,but walks well.
Posted by Gordon Bachlund (Member # 124) on 03-07-2004, 01:06 PM:
Rated PG
An elderly married couple scheduled their
annual medical examination the same day so
they could travel together.
After examining the husband, the doctor said
to him: "You appear to be in good health. Do
you have any medical concerns you would like
to discuss with me?"
"In fact, I do,” said the old man. "After I
have sex with my wife, the first time I am usually hot
and sweaty, and then, after I have sex with her
the second time, I am usually cold and chilly. "
After examining the elderly lady, the doctor said,
"Everything appears to be fine. Do you have
any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"
The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns.
The doctor then asked: "Your husband had an
unusual concern. He claims that he is usually
hot and sweaty after having sex the first time
with you and then cold and chilly after the
second time. Do you know why?"
"Oh, that crazy old fart!" she replied.
"That's because the first time is usually
around July and the second time is usually in December!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-19-2004, 10:12 PM:
Rated G
Reporters interviewing a 104 year-old woman:
"And what do you think is the best thing about
being 104?" the reporter asked.
She simply replied, "No peer pressure."
------------------------------------------ * * * * *
The nice thing about being senile is you
can hide your own Easter eggs.
------------------------------------------ * * * * *
Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came
up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was
your husband?"
"98," she replied... "Two years older than me."
"So you're 96," the undertaker commented.
She responded, "Hardly worth going home is it?"
------------------------------------------------- * * * * *
I've sure gotten old. I've had 2 By-pass surgeries.
A hip replacement, new knees. Fought prostate
cancer, and diabetes
I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a
jet engine, take 40 different medications that make
me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation,
hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't
remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends.
But..... Thank God, I still have my Florida driver's license!
------------------------------------------------ * * * * *
A 97 year old man goes into his doctor's office
and says, "Doc, I want my sex drive lowered."
"Sir", replied the doctor, "You're 97. Don't you
think your sex drive is all in your head?"
"You're damned right it is!" replied the old man.
"That's why I want it lowered!"
------------------------------****
God, grant me the senility
To forget the people
I never liked anyway,
The good fortune
To run into the ones I do,
And the eyesight to tell the difference.
------------------------------------------------------ * * * * *
An elderly woman from Brooklyn decided to
prepare her will and make her final requests.
She told her rabbi she had two final requests.
First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Bloomingdales.
"Bloomingdales!" the rabbi exclaimed. "Why Bloomingdales?"
"Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week
Posted by Gordon Bachlund (Member # 124) on 03-27-2004, 12:39 PM:
Rated G
Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Florida, are all excited about their decision to get married.
They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way they pass a drugstore.
Jacob suggests they go in.
Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"
The pharmacist answers "Yes".
Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"
Pharmacist: "Of course we do."
Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"
Pharmacist: "All kinds."
Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism, scoliosis?"
Pharmacist: "Definitely."
Jacob: "How about Viagra?"
Pharmacist: "Of course."
Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, Jaundice?"
Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."
Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"
Pharmacist: "Absolutely."
Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers?"
Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."
Jacob says to the pharmacist: "We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-19-2004, 12:14 PM:
Rated G
Lorraine
A policeman was on patrol when he came upon a line of cars stopped at a light with horns blasting. The light directing that lane of traffic was green. He pulled out of line and stopped alongside of the first car in line to see what the problem was.
The car was driven by an elderly woman. He asked her why she was stopped when the light was green.
She said, "Oh, because I'm on my way to my sister's house which is that way." and she pointed to the right.
The motorcycle cop said, "Well go ahead! The light is green."
The elderly woman responded with, "Yes I know, but the sign under the light says 'RIGHT TURN ON RED'."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-23-2004, 01:06 PM:
Rated G
Seniors Only - This moment is for you.
http://www.angel9oh7.com/gbseniormoment.html
[ 05-05-2004, 04:39 AM: Message edited by: Bob Maar ]
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 05-05-2004, 04:40 AM:
Rated G Ed in Aurora, Ont
Two elderly Walmart greeters were sitting on a bench at the entry way when one turns to the other and says, "Slim, I'm 73 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?"
Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby."
"Really? Like a newborn baby?"
"Yep. No hair, no teeth and I think I just wet my pants
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 05-10-2004, 01:02 PM:
Rated G Michele
On my birthday I got a really funny card from a friend. It joked about how our bodies might be getting older, but our minds remain "tarp as shacks." I wanted to thank the friend, but I can't.
She forgot to sign the card.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 05-10-2004, 01:19 PM:
Rated G
Defense Attorney: Will you please state your age?
Little Old Lady: I am 86 years old.
Defense Attorney: Will you tell us,in your own words,what
happened the night of April 1st?
Little Old Lady: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my
front porch on a warm spring evening,when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.
Defense Attorney: Did you know him?
Little Old Lady: No, but he sure was friendly.
Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down?
Little Old Lady: He started to rub my thigh.
Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?
Little Old Lady: No, I didn't stop him.
Defense Attorney: Why not?
Little Old Lady: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my
Abner died some 30 years ago.
Defense Attorney: What happened next?
Little Old Lady: He began to rub my breasts.
Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?
Little Old Lady: No, I did not stop him.
Defense Attorney: Why not?
Little Old Lady: His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!
Defense Attorney: What happened next?
Little Old Lady: Well, by then, I was feeling really "spicy"
that I just laid down and told him "Take me, young man. Take me!"
Defense Attorney: Did he take you?
Little Old Lady: Hell, no! He just yelled, "April Fool!" And
that's when I shot him, the little bastard.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-09-2004, 05:30 AM:
Rated G
A PRAYER AS WE GROW OLDER
Lord, Thou knowest better than I know myself that I am growing older and will someday be really old.
Keep me from the fatal habit of thinking that I must say something on every subject and on every occasion.
Release me from craving to straighten out everybody's affairs. Make me thoughtful and not moody, helpful but not bossy.
With my vast store of wisdom, it seems a pity not to use it all, but I want a few friends in the end.
Keep my mind from the recital of endless details, give me wings to get to the point.
Seal my lips on my aches and pains; they are increasing and love of rehearsing them is becoming sweeter as the years go by.
I dare not ask for grace enough to enjoy the tales of other's pains, but help me to endure them with patience.
I dare not ask for improved memory, but for a growing humility, and a lessening cocksureness when my memory seems to clash with the memory of others.
Teach me the glorious lesson that occasionally I may be mistaken.
Keep me reasonably sweet. I do not want to be a saint -- some of them are so hard to live with. A sour old person is one of the crowning works of the devil.
Give me ability to see good things in unexpected places and talent in unexpected people, and give me, O, Lord, the grace to tell them so!
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-14-2004, 08:50 AM:
Rated G Lorraine
The 81-year-old Ukrainian came to the United States to visit his son. Very active despite his age,he went out daily for such long walks that sometimes his son worried that his father would get lost.
The old man was unable to ask for directions in English.
When he returned one afternoon after an unusually long absence, his son told him how concerned he was.
The father listened carefully and then, with a grin, replied: "Don't worry, I take precautions. I wrote down the name of your street."
Then he reached into his pocket and triumphantly showed his son the piece of paper on which he had neatly printed: "NO EXIT."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 07-21-2004, 10:08 AM:
Rated G Denny in Yonkers
First ~ Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
Second ~ The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
Third ~ Some people try to turn back their odometers.Not me,I want people to know "why" I look this way.I've traveled along way and some of the roads weren't paved.
Fourth ~ When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth,think of Algebra.
Fifth ~ You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.
Sixth ~ I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.
Seventh ~ One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.
Eighth ~ One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been.
Ninth ~ Being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.
Tenth ~ Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks,it was called witchcraft.Today it's called golf.
And finally ~ If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you are old.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 08-02-2004, 02:13 PM:
Rated G
Just before the funeral services,the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked,"How old was your husband?"
"98," she replied. "Two years older than me."
"So you're 96," the undertaker commented.
Then he said, "Hardly worth going home is it?" ![[Wink]](wink.gif)
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 08-04-2004, 12:31 PM:
Rated G Denny in Yonkers
A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall.He approached a uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost my grandpa"
The cop asked, "What's he like?" The little boy replied, "Jack Daniels and women with big boobs".
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 08-04-2004, 12:37 PM:
Rated PG
After retiring,I went to the social security office to apply for Social Security.The woman behind thecounter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.I told the woman that I was very sorry but I seemed to have left my wallet at home. "I will have to go home and come back later."
The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt."
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me" andshe processed my Social Security application. When I got home,I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the social security office.
She says, "You should have dropped your pants.You might have gotten disability too."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 08-04-2004, 12:54 PM:
Rated G
At my grandparents 50th wedding anniversary, I was looking through a photo album of their marriage ceremony.
"Grandma, so many of these styles have come back over the years," I commented. Grandma never hesitated.
"That's why I've kept Grandpa all this time," she said. "I know he'll be back in style again one of these days."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-08-2004, 10:23 AM:
Rated G
Reporters interviewing a 104 year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked. She simply replied, "No peer pressure."
------------------------------------------ * * * * *
The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.
------------------------------------------ * * * * *
Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?" "98," she replied. "Two years older than me." "So you're 96," the undertaker commented. She responded, "Hardly worth going home is it?"
------------------------------------------------- * * * * *
I've sure gotten old. I've had 2 By-pass surgeries. A hip replacement, new knees. Fought prostate cancer, and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation, hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But..... Thank God, I still have my Florida driver's license!
------------------------------------------------ * * * * *
A 97 year old man goes into his doctor's office and says, "Doc, I want my sex drive lowered." "Sir", replied the doctor, "You're 97. Don't you think your sex drive is all in your head?" "You're right it is!" replied the old man. "That's why I want it lowered!"
---------------------------------------------- * * * * *
God, grant me the senility To forget the people I never liked anyway, The good fortune To run into the ones I do, And the eyesight to tell the difference.
------------------------------------------------------ * * * * *
An elderly woman from Brooklyn decided to prepare her will and make her final requests. She told her rabbi she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Bloomingdales. "Bloomingdales!" the rabbi exclaimed. "Why Bloomingdales?" "Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-10-2004, 09:16 AM:
Rated G Ed in Aurora, Ont.
SENIOR MOMENTS
Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, "Windy, isn't it?"
Second one says, "No, its Thursday!"
Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-21-2004, 08:31 AM:
Rated G Benefits of Aging
A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office.
"Is it true," she wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?"
"Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her.
There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied,
"I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS'."
-----------------------------------------
An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son,a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.
As he was about to get the anesthesia he asked to speak to his son.
"Yes, Dad, what is it?"
"Don't be nervous, son;do your best and just remember,if it doesn't go well,if something happens to me .. your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife...."
-----------------------------------------
Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
------------------------------------------
The older we get,the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
------------------------------------------
Some people try to turn back their odometers.
Not me,I want people to know "why" I look this way.
I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.
--------------------------------------------
When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.
---------------------------------------------
You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.
----------------------------------------------
I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.
----------------------------------------------
One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.
----------------------------------------------
Ah, being young is beautiful,but being old is comfortable.
-----------------------------------------------
Old age is when former classmates are so gray and wrinkled and bald, they don't recognize you.
----------------------------------------------
If you don't learn to laugh at trouble,you won't have anything to laugh at when you are old.
--------------------------------------
First you forget names,then you forget faces.
Then you forget to pull up your zipper.
It's worse when you forget to pull it down.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-22-2004, 09:19 AM:
Rated G
Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Florida, are all excited about their decision to get married.They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding,and on the way they pass a drugstore.
Jacob suggests they go in.
Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"
The pharmacist answers "Yes."
Jacob:"We're about to get married.Do you sell heart medication?"
Pharmacist: "Of course we do."
Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"
Pharmacist:"All kinds."
Jacob:"Medicine for rheumatism, scoliosis?"
Pharmacist:"Definitely."
Jacob:"How about Viagra?"
Pharmacist: "Of course."
Jacob:"Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, Jaundice?"
Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."
Jacob:"What about vitamins,sleeping pills,Geritol,antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"
Pharmacist:"Absolutely."
Jacob:"You sell wheelchairs and walkers?"
Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."
Jacob says to the pharmacist: "We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry."
Posted by Gordon Bachlund (Member # 124) on 11-22-2004, 05:05 PM:
Rated PG
Dorothy and Edna, two "senior" widows, are talking at the local coffee shop.
Dorothy: "That nice Joe asked me out for a date . . . . I know you went out
with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give
him my answer."
Edna: "Well . . . I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at
7 P.M., dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me such
beautiful flowers. Then he takes me downstairs, and what's there but a luxury car, a
limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he takes me out for dinner. . .
a marvelous dinner - lobster, champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks.
Then we go see a show . . . let me tell you, Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much
I could have just died from pleasure! So then we are coming back to my apartment
and he turns into an ANIMAL. Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new
dress and has his way with me . . . two times!"
Dorothy: "Goodness gracious! . . . so you are telling me I shouldn't go out
with him?"
Edna: "No, no, no . I'm just saying, wear an old dress."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-26-2004, 08:17 PM:
Rated G
A visit with Grandpa...
A man goes to visit his 85-year-old grandpa in the hospital.
"How are you grandpa?" he asks.
"Feeling fine," says the old man.
"What's the food like?"
"Terrific, wonderful menus."
"And the nursing?"
"Just couldn't be better. These young nurses really take care of you."
"What about sleeping? Do you sleep okay?"
"No problem at all --- nine hours solid every night. At 10 o'clock they bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet, and that's it. I go out like a light."
The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so he rushes off to question the Nurse in charge. "What are you people doing?" he asks. "I'm told you're giving an 85-year-old Viagra on a daily basis. Surely that can't be true?"
"Oh, yes," replies the nurse. "Every night at 10 o'clock we give him a cup of chocolate and a Viagra tablet. It works wonderfully well. The chocolate makes him sleep, and the Viagra stops him from rolling out of bed."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-03-2004, 09:25 AM:
Rated G
Growing old has one advantage: you'll never have to do it over again.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-15-2004, 01:07 PM:
Rated G
I refuse to spend my life worrying about what I eat. There is no pleasure worth forgoing just for an extra three years in the geriatric ward.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-16-2004, 02:52 PM:
Rated G Michele
Old man Jackson, the miser, at last went to his reward and presented himself at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter greeted him with appropriate solemnity and escorted him to his new abode. Walking past numerous elegant mansions finally, they arrived at a dilapidated shack at the end of the street.
Jackson, much taken aback, began, "Hey! Why am I left with a rundown shack when all of these others around me have fine mansions?"
"Well, sir," replied St. Peter, "we did the best we could with the money you sent us."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-16-2004, 04:08 PM:
Rated G
At first I thought it was love, then I thought it was money... but now that I'm old, I realize that prune juice is the key to happiness.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-18-2005, 09:49 AM:
Rated G Denny in Yonkers
A very elderly gentleman,(mid nineties) very well dressed,hair well groomed,great looking suit,flower in his lapel smelling slightly of a good after shave,presenting a well looked after
image,walks into an upscale cocktail lounge.
Seated at the bar is an elderly looking lady,(mid eighties).
The gentleman walks over,sits along side of her,orders a drink,
takes a sip,turns to her and says,"So tell me, do I come here
often?"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-27-2005, 03:15 PM:
Rated G Ed in Aurora, Ont. CA
A new wine for seniors California vintners in the Napa Valley area,which primarily produces Pinot Blanc,Pinot Noir and Pinot Grigio wines,have developed a new hybrid grape that acts as an
anti-diuretic.It is expected to reduce the number of trips older people have to make to the bathroom during the night.
The new wine will be marketed as PINO MOR
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-27-2005, 03:51 PM:
Rated G
We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the "seniors' special" was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $1.99.
"Sounds good," my wife said. "But I don't want the eggs."
"Then I'll have to charge you two dollars and forty-nine cents because you're ordering a la carte," the waitress warned her.
"You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?" My wife asked incredulously. "I'll take the special."
"How do you want your eggs?" "Raw and in the shell," my wife replied.
She took the two eggs home.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-01-2005, 10:33 AM:
Rated G Michele
Getting old is so hard at times.
Yesterday I got the Preparation 'H' mixed up with the Polygrip.
Now, I walk funny, but - my gums don't itch.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-06-2005, 11:01 AM:
Rated G Lee in Henderson NV
THOSE WHO SURVIVED THE 50s.60s or 70s
First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they carried us.
They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing and didn't get tested for diabetes.
Then after that trauma, our baby cribs were covered with bright colored lead-based paints.
We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets, not to mention, the risks we took hitchhiking.
As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags.
Riding in the back of a pick up on a warm day was always a special treat.
We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle.
We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE actually died from this.
We ate cupcakes, bread and butter and drank soda pop with sugar in it, but we weren't overweight because WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!
We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on. No one was able to reach us all day. And we were O.K.
We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem.
We did not have Playstations, Nintendo's, X-boxes, no video games at all, no 99 channels on cable, no video tape movies, no surround sound, no cell phones, no personal computers, no internet or internet
chat rooms..........WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no lawsuits from these accidents.
We made up games with sticks and tennis balls and ate worms and although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes, nor did the worms live in us forever.
We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just walked in and talked to them!
Little league had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!!
The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law!
This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever!
The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas.
We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned how to DEAL WITH IT ALL!
And YOU are one of them! CONGRATULATIONS! You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated our lives "for our own good."
Kind of makes you want to run through the house with scissors, doesn't it?!
Posted by Gordon Bachlund (Member # 124) on 02-08-2005, 05:15 PM:
Rated G
Ellis Rubenfeld, an elderly Jewish man in Florida owned a large farm for
several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic
tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was
properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.
One evening Ellis decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there
for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back
some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping
in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to
the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"
The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim
naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he
said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."
Moral: Old Jewish men can still think fast.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-11-2005, 07:25 AM:
Rated G Dennis in Yonkers
We Must Stop This Immediately
Have you noticed that Stairs are getting steeper.Groceries are heavier.And,everything is farther away.. Yesterday I walked to the corner and I was dumbfounded to discover how long our street had become!
And, you know, people are less considerate now,especially the young ones.They speak in whispers all the time! If you ask them to speak up they just keep repeating themselves, endlessly mouthing the same silent message until they're red in the face! What do they think I am, a lip reader?
I also think they are much younger than I was at the same age. On the other hand,people my own age are so much older than I am. I ran into an old friend the other day and she has aged so much that she didn't even recognize me.
I got to thinking about the poor dear while I was combing my hair this morning, and in doing so, I glanced at my own refection.........Well, REALLY NOW - even mirrors are not made the way they used to be!
Another thing, everyone drives so fast today! You're risking life and limb if you happen to pull onto the freeway in front of them.. All I can say is, their brakes must wear out awfully fast, the way I see them screech and swerve in my rear view mirror.
The people who make bathroom scales are pulling the same prank, but in reverse. Do they think I actually "believe" the number I see on that dial? HA! I would never let myself weigh that much! Just who do these people think they're fooling?
I'd like to call up someone in authority to report what's going on -- but the telephone company is in on the conspiracy too: they've printed the phone books in such small type that no one could ever find a number in here!
All I can do is pass along this warning: We are under attack! Unless something drastic happens, pretty soon everyone will have to suffer these awful indignities.
Posted by Gordon Bachlund (Member # 124) on 02-12-2005, 06:04 PM:
Rated R...
A Mexican family was considering putting their grandfather in a nursing home. All the Catholic facilities were completely full so they have to put him in a Jewish home. After a few weeks in the Jewish facility, they came to visit grandpa.
"How do you like it here?" asks the grandson.
"It's wonderful! Everyone here is so courteous and respectful," says grandpa.
"We're so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong place for you."
"Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the residents here," grandpa says with a big smile.
"There's a musician here -- he's 85-years old. He hasn't played the violin in 20 years and everyone still calls him 'Maestro'!
"And there's a physician here -- 90 years old. He hasn't been practicing medicine for 25 years and everyone still calls him 'Doctor'!
"And me, I haven't had sex for 30 years and they still call me "the fucking Mexican!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-23-2005, 09:58 AM:
Rated G Dennis in Yonkers
Old Age Ain't for Sissies!!!!
If my body were a car,this is the time I would be thinking about
trading it in for a newer model.I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull,but that's not the worst of it.
My fenders are too wide to be considered stylish.They were once as sleek as a little MG;now they look more like my mother's old Buick.My seat cushions have split open at the seams.My seats are sagging.
Seat belts?I gave up all belts when Ben & Jerry's opened a shop in my neighborhood.Air bags?Forget it.The only bags I have these days are under my eyes.Not counting the saddlebags,of course. I have soooooo many miles on my odometer.
Sure,I've been many places and seen many things,but when' s the last time an appraiser factored life experiences against depreciation? My headlights are out of focus and it's especially hard to see things up close.My reaction is not as graceful as it once was.I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather.My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins.It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed.I'm burning fuel at an inefficient rate.But here's the worst of it - almost every time I sneeze or cough,my radiator seems to leak.
Have a great day!! and remember, Old Age Ain't for Sissies!!!!
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-23-2005, 10:00 AM:
Rated G LAS in CT
It was fun being a baby boomer...till now. Some of the artists of the '60's are revising their hits with new lyrics to accommodate aging baby boomers.
They include:
Herman's Hermits - Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker
The Bee Gees - How Can You Mend a Broken Hip
Bobby Darin - Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' a Flash
Ringo Starr - I Get By With a Little Help from Depends
Roberta Flack - The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face
Johnny Nash - I Can't See Clearly Now
Paul Simon - Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver
Commodores - Once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom
Marvin Gaye - I Heard it Through the GrapeNuts
Procol Harem - A Whiter Shade of Hair
Leo Sayer - You Make Me Feel Like Napping
The Temptations - Papa's Got a Kidney Stone
Abba - Denture Queen
Tony Orlando - Knock 3 Times on the Ceiling if you Hear Me Fall
Helen Reddy - I am Woman, Hear me Snore
Willie Nelson - On the Throne Again
Leslie Gore - It's My Procedure and I'll Cry if I Want To
Posted by Brad Miller (Member # 2) on 02-25-2005, 05:06 AM:
Rated G
A tour bus driver, with a bus full of seniors drives down a highway, when a little old lady taps him on his shoulder. She offers him a handful of almonds, which he gratefully munches up.
After approx.15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of almonds. She repeats this gesture about eight times.
At the ninth time he asks the little old lady why they don't eat the almonds themselves, whereupon she replies that it is not possible because of their old teeth, they are not able to chew them.
"Why do you buy them then?" he asks puzzled.
Whereupon the old lady Answers, "We just love the chocolate around them."
Posted by Rick Raskin (Member # 1561) on 02-26-2005, 04:52 PM:
Love Story
A little old couple walked slowly into a McDonalds one cold winter evening. They looked out of place amid the young families and young couples eating there that night. Some of the customers looked admiringly at them. You could tell what the admirers were thinking: "Look, there is a couple who has been through a lot together, probably for 60 years or more!"
The little old man walked up to the cash register, placed his order with no hesitation and paid for their meal. The couple took a table near the back wall. There was one hamburger, one order of French fries and one drink. The little old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half. He placed one half in front of his wife. Then he carefully counted
out the French fries, divided them in two piles and placed one pile in front of his wife. He took a sip of the drink, and then his wife took a sip as the man began to eat his few bites. Again, you could tell what people around the old couple were thinking: "That poor old couple."
As the old man began eating, a young man stood up and walked to their table. He politely offered to buy another meal. The old man replied that they were just fine. They were used to sharing everything.
Then the crowd noticed that the little old lady still hadn't eaten a thing. She just sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally sipped some of the drink. Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy them another meal. This time, the lady explained that no, they were used to sharing.
As the little old man finished eating and was wiping his face neatly with a napkin, the young man could stand it no longer and asked again to buy them another meal. After being politely refused, he finally asked the little old lady, "Ma'am, why aren't you eating. You said that you share everything. What is it that you are waiting for?"
She answered, "The teeth."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-04-2005, 02:36 PM:
Rated G
Priorities would you do the same?
As we age, our priorities change.
The other day I came home and was greeted by my wife,dressed only in very sexy underwear and holding a couple of short velvet ropes.
"Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."
So, I tied her up and went fishing.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-11-2005, 12:45 PM:
Rated G Denny in Yonkers
Many of us "Old Folks" (those over 50, WAY over 50 or on the way to 50)are quite confused about how we should present ourselves.
We're unsure about the kind of image we are projecting and whether or not we are correct as we try to conform to current fashions. Despite what you may have seen on the streets, the following combinations DO NOT go together and should be avoided:
1. A nose ring and bifocals
2. Spiked hair and bald spots
3. A pierced tongue and dentures
4. Miniskirts and support hose
5. Ankle bracelets and corn pads
6. Speedo's and cellulite
7. A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar
8. Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heartmonitor
9. Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge
10. Pierced nipples that hang below the waist
11. Bikinis and liver spots
12. Short shorts and varicose veins
13. Inline skates and a walker And the ultimate "Bad Taste" in fashion forthe "Older Folks"
14. Thongs and Depends
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-23-2005, 10:06 AM:
Rated G Denny in Yonkers
IS THIS YOU!
A couple in their nineties is having problems remembering
things,so they decide to the go the doctor for a checkup.
The doctor tells them that they are physically okay,but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair.
His wife asks, "Where are you going?"
"To the kitchen," he replies.
She asks, " Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"
The husband says, "Sure."
She gently reminds him, "Don't you think you should write it
down so you can remember it?"
He says, "No, I can remember that!"
She then says, "Well, I'd like some strawberries on top. You'd better write it down 'cause I know you'll forget it."
He says, "I can remember that! You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."
She adds, "I'd also like whipped cream. Now I'm certain you'll forget that, so you'd better write it down."
Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down! I can
remember that! Ice cream with strawberries! And whipped cream!" He then grumbles into the kitchen.
After about 20 minutes the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.
She stares at the plate for a moment and says,"Where's my toast?"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-08-2005, 10:52 AM:
Rated G Ed in Aurora Ont. Ca.
You're in incredible shape," the doctor said. "How old are you again?"
"I'm 78." The man said.
"78?" asked the doctor. "You look like a 60 year old... How do you stay so healthy?"
"Well, my wife and I made a pact when we got married that whenever she got mad she would go into the kitchen and cool off and I would go outside to settle down." the man explained.
"What does that have to do with it?" asked the doctor.
"I've pretty much lived an outdoor life."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-14-2005, 08:49 AM:
Rated G Ed in Aurora, Ont.Ca
The other day a young person asked me how I felt about being old.I was taken aback, for I do not think of myself as old. Upon seeing my reaction,she was immediately embarrassed,but I explained that it was an interesting question,and I would ponder it,and let her know.
Old age,I decided, is a gift.I am now,probably for the first time in my life,the person I have always wanted to be.Oh,not my body! I sometime despair over my body the cellulite,the wrinkles, the baggy eyes,the jiggly thighs,and the sagging butt. And often I am taken aback by that old lady that lives in my mirror,but I don't agonize over those things for long.
I would never trade my amazing friends,my wonderful life,my loving family for less gray hair or a flatter belly.As I've aged,I've become more kind to myself,and less critical of myself.I've become my own friend.I don't chide myself for eating that extra cookie,or for not making my bed,or for buying that silly cement gecko that I didn't need, but looks so avant-garde on my patio.I am entitled to overeat,to be messy,to be extravagant.I have seen too many dear friends leave this world too soon;before they understood the great freedom that comes with aging.
Whose business is it if I choose to read until 4 a.m. and sleep until noon? I will dance with myself to those wonderful tunes of the 50's,and if I at the same time wish to weep over a lost love,I will.I will walk the beach in a swim suit that is stretched over a bulging midriff,and will dive into the waves with abandon if I choose to,despite the pitying glances from the bikini set.They,too,will get old.
I know I am sometimes forgetful.But there again,some of life is just as well forgotten and I eventually remember the important things.Sure,over the years my heart has been broken. How can your heart not break when you lose a loved one,or when a child
suffers,or even when a beloved pet gets hit by a car? But broken hearts are what give us strength and understanding and compassion.A heart never broken is pristine and sterile and will never know the joy of being imperfect.I am so blessed to have lived long enough to have my hair turn gray, and to have my youthful laughs be forever etched into deep grooves on my face. So many have never laughed, and so many have died before their hair could turn silver.I can say "no",and mean it.I can say "yes", and mean it.As you get older,it is easier to be positive. You care less about what other people think. I don't question myself anymore.I've even earned the right to be wrong.
So,to answer your question: I like being old.It has set me free.I like the person I have become.I am not going to live forever,but while I am still here,I will not waste time lamenting what could have been,or worrying about what will be.
And I shall eat dessert every single day.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 05-01-2005, 11:36 AM:
Rated G Hank in Simi Valley
Three old ornery grandmas were sitting on a bench outside a nursing home. About then an old man walked by, and one of the grandmas says, "We bet we can tell how old you are."
The old man said, "There ain't no way you can guess it." O
ne of the ornery grandmas said, "Sure we can! Just drop your undershorts and we can tell your exact age."
He did.
The grandmas stared at him for a while and then they all piped up and said, "You're 84 years old!"
he old man was stunned. "Amazing! How did you guess that?"
The ornery old grandmas laughed. Slapping their knees and grinning from ear to ear. All three happily yelled in unison, "You told us yesterday!
Posted by Gordon Bachlund (Member # 124) on 05-20-2005, 02:01 PM:
Rated PG
An elderly couple is enjoying an anniversary dinner togetherin a small tavern. The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind this tavern where you leaned against the fence and I made love to you."
"Yes," she says, "I remember it well."
"OK," he says,"how about taking a stroll round there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"
"Oooooooh Henry, you devil, that sounds like a good idea!," she answers.
There's a police officer sitting in the next booth listening to all this, and having a chuckle to himself. He thinks, "I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble." So he follows them.
They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support, aided by walking sticks. Finally they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt, takes her knickers down and the old man drops his trousers. She turns around and as she hangs on to the fence, the old man moves in.
Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the watching policeman has ever seen. They are bucking and jumping like eighteen-year-olds.
This goes on for about forty minutes!
She's yelling, "Ohhh!" He's hanging on to her hips for dear life. This is the most athletic sex imaginable. Finally, they both collapse panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life that he didn't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, still watching thinks, that was truly amazing, he was going like a train. I've got to ask him what his secret is. As the couple passes, he says to them, "That was something else! You must have been having sex for about forty minutes. How do you manage it? You must have had a fantastic life together. Is there some sort of secret?"
The old man says, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."
Posted by Gordon Bachlund (Member # 124) on 05-20-2005, 02:11 PM:
Rated G
A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company.
One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that she's lost. Wandering about, she notices a leopard heading rapidly in her direction with the intention of having lunch.
The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, she immediately settles down to chew on the bones with her back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard!
I wonder if there are any more around here?"
Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up.
The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.
The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"
Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with her back to her attackers, pretending she hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says, "Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!"
Moral of this story..
Don't mess with old farts...age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! Bullshit and brilliance only come with age and experience
Posted by Gordon Bachlund (Member # 124) on 05-25-2005, 04:04 PM:
Rated G
A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife turning back and forth, looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off, he asked what she'd like to have for her Birthday. I'd like to be six again, she replied, still looking in the mirror.
On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was.
Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's.
What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, "Well Dear, what was it like being six again?"
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. "I meant my dress size, you dummie!"
The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he's gonna get it wrong!
Posted by Gordon Bachlund (Member # 124) on 06-02-2005, 04:42 PM:
Rated PG...
A recently widowed Jewish lady was sitting on a beach towel at Cocoa Beach, Florida. She looked up and noticed that a man her age had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand nearby and began reading a book.
Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him.
"Hello, sir, how are you?"
"Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book.
"I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked.
"First time since my wife passed away last year," he replied, and again turned back to his book.
"Do you live around here?" she asked.
"Yes, I live over in Suntree," he answered, and then resumed reading.
Trying to find a topic of common interest, Sarah persisted. "Do you like pussycats?"
With that, the man threw his book down, jumped off his blanket onto hers, tore off both their swimsuits and gave her the most passionate ride of her life!
As the cloud of sand began to settle, Sarah gasped and asked the man, "How did you know that was what I wanted?"
The man replied, "How did you know my name was Katz?"
Posted by Gordon Bachlund (Member # 124) on 06-23-2005, 05:28 PM:
Rated PG...
A is for Apple, and B is for Boat,
That used to be right, But now it won't float!
Age before beauty is what we once said,
But let's be a bit more realistic instead!
NOW:
A is for arthritis,
B is the bad back,
C is the chest pains, perhaps car-d-iac?
D is for dental decay and decline,
E is for eyesight, can't read that top line!
F is for fissures and fluid retention,
G is for gas which I'd rather not mention.
H is high blood pressure--I'd rather it be low;
I for incisions with scars you can show.
J is for joints, out of socket, won't mend,
K is for knees that crack when they bend.
L for libido, what happened to sex?
M is for memory, I forget what comes next
N is neuralgia, in nerves way down low;
O is for osteo, the bones that don't grow!
P for prescriptions, I have quite a few, Just give me a pill and
I'll be good as new!
Q is for queasy, is it fatal or flu?
R is for reflux, one meal turns to two.
S for sleepless nights, counting my fears,
T for Tinnitus; there's bells in my ears!
U is for urinary; big troubles with flow;
V is for vertigo, that's "dizzy," you know.
W is for worry, NOW what's going 'round?
X is for X ray, and what might be found.
Y is another year I'm left here behind,
Z is for zest that I still have -- in my mind.
I've survived all the symptoms, my body's deployed,
And I've kept 26 doctors fully employed!!!
Posted by Gordon Bachlund (Member # 124) on 08-05-2005, 02:05 PM:
Rated G...
The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place. Grandma couldn't speak very well, but she could write notes when she needed to communicate.
After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right.
A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left.
Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her, then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.
A grandson, who arrived late, came up to Grandma and said, "Hi, Grandma, you're looking good! How are they treating you?"
Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the nephew..."They won't let me fart."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 08-12-2005, 10:07 AM:
Rated G
Hard of Hearing
Morris, an 82-year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"
Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doctor, 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'"
The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said you got a heart mummer and be careful."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 08-12-2005, 10:09 AM:
Rated G
Karl and Milly were lying in bed one night. Carl was falling asleep but Milly was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk. She said, "You used to hold my hand when we were courting."
Wearily Karl reached across, held her hand for a second, and rolled over to try to fall asleep.
A few moments later she said, "Then you used to kiss me."
Mildly irritated, he leaned across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled back down to sleep.
Thirty seconds later she said, "Then you used to bite my neck."
Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.
"Where are you going?" she asked.
"To get my damn teeth," he replied.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 09-15-2005, 08:12 PM:
Rated G
Morris, an 82-year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"
Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doctor, 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'"
The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said you got a heart mummer and be careful."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 09-15-2005, 08:14 PM:
Rated G
Karl and Milly were lying in bed one night. Carl was falling asleep but Milly was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk. She said, "You used to hold my hand when we were courting."
Wearily Karl reached across, held her hand for a second, and rolled over to try to fall asleep.
A few moments later she said, "Then you used to kiss me."
Mildly irritated, he leaned across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled back down to sleep.
Thirty seconds later she said, "Then you used to bite my neck."
Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.
"Where are you going?" she asked.
"To get my damn teeth," he replied.
Posted by Gordon Bachlund (Member # 124) on 09-17-2005, 12:57 PM:
Rated PG...
An 85-year-old Florida man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, "Well, doc, it's like this - First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."
The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"
The old man replied, "Yep. None of us could get the jar open."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 09-17-2005, 02:40 PM:
Rated G
Our secretary heard this during a talent show at a retirement village.
A retirement village decided to hold a Singles Dance, at which this very sweet 90-year-old gentleman met a very sweet 90-year-old lady, and they danced and talked and laughed, and just hit it off great.
They continued to see each other for a while and enjoyed each other so much, and danced so well together, etc., that they decided to get married.
On their wedding night, they went to bed and he reached over and took her hand and squeezed it, and she squeezed his hand back, and they went to sleep.
On the second night, when they went to bed, he reached over and squeezed her hand, and she squeezed his hand back, and they went to sleep.
On the third night, he reached over and took her hand, and she said, "Not tonight, honey, I have a headache."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 09-26-2005, 09:20 AM:
Rated G
An 80 year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them.
When they arrived at the doctors, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory. After checking the couple out, the doctor told them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things.
The couple thanked the doctor and left. Later that night while watching TV, the man got up from his chair and his wife asked, "Where are you going?" He replied, "To the kitchen." She asked, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?" He replied, "Sure." She then asked him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" He said, "No, I can remember that."
She then said, "Well I would also like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down because I know you'll forget that." He said, "I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries." She replied, "Well I also would like whipped cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down."
With irritation in his voice, he said, "I don't need to write that down! I can remember that." He then fumes into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes he returned from the kitchen and handed her a plate of bacon and eggs. She stared at the plate for a moment and said angrily: "I TOLD you to write it down! You forgot my toast!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-14-2005, 01:03 PM:
Rated G
RETIREES
Q. When is a retiree's bedtime?
A. Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch.
Q. How many retirees to change a light bulb?
A. Only one, but it might take all day.
Q. What's the biggest gripe of retirees?
A. There is not enough time to get everything done.
Q. Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors?
A. The term comes with a 10% percent
Q. Among retirees what is considered casual attire
A. Tied shoes.
Q. Why do retirees count pennies?
A. They are the only ones who have the time.
Q. What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire?
A. NUTS!
Q. Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement,attic or garage?
A. They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.
Q. What do retirees call a long lunch?
A. Normal
Q. What is the difference between a worker retiring
and a student going on summer vacation?
A. None,summer ends but so does the other time frame, eventually.
Q. What is the best way to describe retirement?
A. The never ending Coffee Break.
Q. What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a
retiree?
A. If you cut classes,no one calls your parents.
Q. Why does a retiree often say he doesn't miss work,
but misses the people he used to work with?
A. He is too polite to tell the whole truth.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-24-2005, 07:50 AM:
Rated G Denny in Yonkers
"Geezers" (slang for an old man) are easy to spot:
At sporting events,during the playing of the Star Spagled BANNER,Old Geezers remove their caps and stand at attention and sing without embarrassment.They know the words and believe in them.
Old Geezers remember the Depression, World War II,Pearl Harbor,
Guadalcanal, Normandy and Hitler. They remember the Atomic Age, the Korean War 1950-53-55,The Cold War,the jet age and the moon landing, the 50 plus Peacekeeping Missions from 1945 to 2005, not to mention Vietnam,
If you bump into an Old Geezer on the sidewalk,he will apologize.
If you pass an Old Geezer on the street, he will nod or tip his cap to a lady. Old Geezers trust strangers and are courtly to women. Old Geezers hold the door for the next person and always,
when walking, make certain the lady is on the inside for protection.
Old Geezers get embarrassed if someone curses in front of women and children and they don't like any filth on TV or in movies.
Old Geezers have moral courage.They seldom brag unless it's about their grandchildren.
It's the Old Geezers who know our great country is protected,
not by politicians or police,but by the young men and women in the military serving their country.
This country needs Old Geezers with their decent values.
We need them now more than ever.
Thank God for Old Geezers!
You don't all qualify but I wanted you to know more about us and our oddities.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-06-2005, 09:22 AM:
Rated G
An elderly man was standing in front of the ticket office in Grand Central Station. A picture of utter helplessness, it was clear something was horribly wrong with him. He stood with his elbows pressed closely at his side. His forearms were rigidly extended before him and his palms were turned towards each other about ten inches apart. Apparently, the man was paralyzed.
A young woman approached him. "Can I do anything to help you?" she asked.
"Oh, thank you. Please put your hand in my coat pocket and take out money to buy me a ticket to Philadelphia."
The woman complied. She bought the ticket and accompanied the crippled man on the train, to make sure he was settled before leaving him.
"I hope you have a complete recovery. Are you visiting an out of town specialist?"
"A specialist," replied the cripple. "Why should I go to a specialist?"
"To treat you for the trouble with your hands."
"But, I have no trouble with my hands."
"Of course you have trouble with your hands. Why, you couldn't even reach into your pocket to get the money to buy your ticket."
"Oh, you're wondering why my hands are like this. My wife asked me that when I go to Philadelphia to buy her a pairs of shoes. This is her size."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-07-2005, 11:18 AM:
Rated G Denny in Yonkers, NY
Getting Old
1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
3. No one expects you to run--anywhere.
4. People call at 9 PM and ask, " Did I wake you?"
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won't wear out.
8. You can eat dinner at 4 PM.
9. You can live without sex but not your glasses.
10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.
13. You sing along with elevator music.
14. Your eyes won't get much worse.
15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.
17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
19. You can't remember who sent you this list.
And you notice these are all in Big Print for your convenience.
except when posted on www.film-tech.com
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-10-2005, 07:07 AM:
Rated G
GAMES for Older Folks
1. Sag, you're It.
2. Hide and go pee.
3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear.
4. Kick the bucket
5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.
6. Musical recliners.
7. Simon says something incoherent.
8. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-11-2005, 10:52 AM:
Rated G
I don't fear old age.
I am just becoming more aware of the fact that the only people who said old age was beautiful were usually 23-year-olds.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-16-2005, 10:36 AM:
Rated G Gerry
I'm a goofy old fart, but I still have fun.
Have you ever been on a rollercoaster? I'm so old I get that same sensation just rolling over in bed.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-18-2005, 03:28 PM:
Rated G Harold
We were taking an elderly couple home and there was this terrible smell. We thought the old guy had shit himself. After we dropped them off the smell was still there.
We needed milk so stopped at a convenience store. My wife went in to get the milk and on the way out noticed dog shit on her shoes.
She threw the shoes in a garbage can and kind of cried all the way home.
I had a good laugh but got in trouble for it.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-24-2005, 08:58 AM:
Rated G
Old Lady Driving on Highway Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH.
He thinks to himself, This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies -- two in the front seat and three in the back -- wide eyed and white as ghosts.
The driver, obviously confused, says to him, Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"
Ma'am," the officer replies, you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers." Slower than the speed limit?
No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly... Twenty-two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly.
The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that 22" was the route number, not the speed limit.
A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.
But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time," the officer asks.
Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-04-2005, 12:39 PM:
Rated G
Old Age
Her body had gotten totally out of shape, so she got her doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. She decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. She bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time she got her leotards on, the class was over.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-08-2005, 12:38 PM:
Rated G
I have some good news for senior citizens. Of memory, hearing, all the faculties, the last to leave us is sexual desire and the ability to make love. That means that long after we're wearing bifocals and hearing aids, we'll be making love. We just won't know with whom!!!!!
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-10-2005, 07:30 AM:
Rated G
While leading activities for seniors at a nursing home, I asked my group to complete these well-known phrases. For example, I would prompt them with, "Better safe..." to which they would answer, "than sorry."
The game proceeded as expected until I got to the phrase, "Make love, not war."
I had barely gotten out the first two words when a 90-year old shouted from the back, "while you can."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-13-2005, 12:05 PM:
Rated G
The Elderly Couple
A very traditional elderly woman was enjoying a good game of bridge with her girlfriends one evening. "Oh, no! I have to rush home and fix dinner for my husband! He's going to really ticked if it's not ready on time!" she exclaimed suddenly.
When she got home, she realized that she didn't have enough time to go to the supermarket, and all she had in the cupboard was a wilted lettuce leaf, an egg, and a can of cat food. In a panic, she opened the can of cat food, stirred in the egg, and garnished it with the lettuce leaf just as her husband pulled up.
She greeted her husband and then watched in horror as he sat down to his dinner. To her surprise, the husband really enjoyed his dinner. "Darling, this is the best dinner you have made for me in forty years of marriage. You can make this for me any old day."
Needless to say, every bridge night from then on, the woman made her husband the same dish. She told her bridge cronies about it and they were all horrified. "You're going to kill him!" they exclaimed.
Two months later, her husband died.
The women were sitting around the table playing bridge when one of the cronies said, "You killed him! We told you that feeding him that cat food every week would do him in! How can you just sit there so calmly and play bridge knowing you murdered your husband?"
The wife stoically replied, "I didn't kill him. He fell off the mantel while he was cleaning himself."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-16-2005, 09:26 AM:
Rated TheWhiteRabbit
It was a small town and the patrolman was making his evening rounds.
As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two little old ladies sitting in a used car.!
He stopped and asked them why they were sitting there in the car. Were they trying to steal it?
"Heavens no, we bought ! it."
"Then why don't you drive it away."
"We can't drive."
"Then why did you buy it?"
We were told that if we bought a Used car here we'd get screwed.... so we're just waiting.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-25-2005, 08:21 PM:
Rated X
Wally's Wedding Night
At 85 years of age, Wally married Lou Anne, a lovely 25 year old.Since her new husband is so old, Lou Anne decides that after their wedding she and Wally should have separate bedrooms,because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may overexert himself if they spend the entire night together.
After the wedding festivities, Lou Anne prepares herself for bed and the expected "knock" on the door. Sure enough knock comes, the door opens and there is Wally, her 85 year old groom, ready for action.
They unite as one. All goes well, Wally takesleave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep. After a few minutes,Lou Anne hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Wally.
Again he is ready for more "action".
Somewhat surprised, Lou Anne consents for more coupling. When thenewlyweds are done, Wally kisses his bride, bids her a fond goodnight and leaves.
She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha you guessed it -Wally is back again, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more "action". And, once again they enjoy each other.
But as Wally gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, "I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Wally."
Wally, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Lou Anne and says:........."You mean I was here already?"
The moral of the story:
Don't be afraid of getting old, senior moments have advantages.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-29-2005, 03:44 PM:
Rated G
Seasoned Citizen's New Year's Resolutions
To be awake more than asleep
To remember the names of my Kid's and Grandkid's
To see my family...more often than my Doctor
To learn a new game besides Bingo
Not To say "Whipper Snapper"
Not To say "In my day..."
To spend more time on the computer than the toilet
To learn to pronounce the names of each blasted pill I have to take
To stop calling my spouse "Old Woman ... or Old Man
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-06-2006, 12:48 PM:
Rated G
AGING
I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotard on, the class was over.
--- Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked. She simply replied, "No peer pressure."
--- The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.
--- Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?" "98," she replied. "Two years older than me." "So you're 96," the undertaker commented. She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it?
--- I've sure gotten old.! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees. Fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver's license!
--- An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart. "Wal-Mart?" the preacher exclaimed. "Why Wal-Mart?" "Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week .."
--- My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
--- Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.
--- I'm getting into swing dancing. Not on purpose. Some parts of my body are just prone to swinging.
--- It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffeemaker.
--- These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast relief."
--- Don't think of it as getting hot flashes. Think of it as your inner child playing with matches.
--- Don't let aging get you down. It's too hard to get back up.
--- Remember: You don't stop laughing because you grow old, You grow old because you stop laughing.
--- THE SENILITY PRAYER : Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
Posted by Paul Mayer (Member # 355) on 01-10-2006, 01:35 PM:
Rated G - Dave in Sin City
1975 vs 2005
This is sent only to those whose level of maturity qualifies them to relate to it...
1975: Long hair
2005: Longing for hair
1975: KEG
2005: EKG
1975: Acid rock
2005: Acid reflux
1975: Moving to California because it's cool
2005: Moving to Arizona because it's warm
1975: Tryin to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
2005: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
1975: Seeds and stems
2005: Roughage
1975: Hoping for a BMW
2005: Hoping for a BM
1975: Going to a new, hip joint
2005: Receiving a new hip joint
1975: Rolling Stones
2005: Kidney Stones
1975: Being called into the principal's office
2005: Calling the principal's office
1975: Screw the system
2005: Upgrade the system
1975: Disco
2005: Costco
1975: Parents begging you to get your hair cut
2005: Children begging you to get their heads shaved
1975: Passing the drivers' test
2005: Passing the vision test
1975: Whatever
2005: Depends
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-11-2006, 09:30 AM:
Rated G
Wisdom, from Seniors...
-- The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.
-- The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don't know what you're doing, someone else does.
-- The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then your body and your fat are really good friends.
-- Amazing! You hang something in your closet for awhile and it shrinks two sizes!
-- I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are: eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day!
-- I know what Victoria's Secret is. The secret is that nobody older than 30 can fit into their stuff.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-15-2006, 07:31 PM:
Rated G Denny in Yonkers, NY
Retirees: The Whole Truth, Nothing But...
Question: When is a retiree's bedtime?
Answer: Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch.
Question: How many retirees to change a light bulb?
Answer: Only one, but it might take all day.
Question: What's the biggest gripe of retirees?
Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done.
Question: Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors?
Answer: The term comes with a 10% percent discount.
Question: Among retirees what is considered formal attire?
Answer: Tied shoes.
Question: Why do retirees count pennies?
Answers: They are the only ones who have the time.
Question: What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retirees.
Answer: NUTS!
Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage?
Answer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.
Question: What do retirees call a long lunch?
Answer: Normal.
Question: What is the best way to describe retirement?
Answers: The never ending Coffee Break.
Question: What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree?
Answer: If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.
Question: Why does a retiree often say he doesn't miss work, but misses the people he used to work with?
Answer: He is too polite to tell the whole truth.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-22-2006, 04:00 PM:
Rated G
Seems an elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years.
He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased you can hear again."
To which the gentleman said, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will five times!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-25-2006, 10:44 AM:
Rated G Betsy
"Old age is when your eyes start to go, but it doesn't really matter because whatever you read today you're going to forget tomorrow anyway. "
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-26-2006, 07:18 PM:
Rated G
An elderly couple was sitting together, watching their favorite Saturday night TV program. During one of those commercial breaks, the husband asked his wife: "Whatever happened to our sexual relations?"
After a long thoughtful silence, the wife, during the next commercial break, replied: "You know, I don't really know--I don't even think we got a Christmas card from them this year."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-27-2006, 08:18 AM:
Rated G Gerry
When I was forty and looking at sixty, it seemed like a thousand miles away. But sixty-two feels like a week and a half away from eighty. I must now get on with those things I always talked about doing but put off.
Posted by Gordon Bachlund (Member # 124) on 01-28-2006, 05:24 PM:
Rated PG....
The 83 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath.
His 62 year old buddy was amazed at his stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.
The 83 year old said; "Well, I eat Italian bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."
So, on the way home, his 62 year old buddy stops at the bakery. As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help.
He said, "Do you have any Italian bread?"
She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"
He said, "I want 5 loaves."
She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves...don't you think by the time you get to the 5th loaf, it'll be hard?"
He replied, "I can't believe it, everybody knows about this Italian bread thing except me!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-02-2006, 10:18 AM:
Rated G Hank in Simi Valley
No Nursing Home for Me
About 2 years ago my wife and I were on a cruise through the western Mediterranean aboard a Princess liner. At dinner we noticed an elderly lady sitting alone along the rail of the grand stairway in the maindining room. I also noticed that all the staff, shipsofficers, waiters, busboys, etc., all seemed veryfamiliar with this lady. I asked our waiter who the lady was, expecting to betold that she owned the line, but he said he only knewthat she had been on board for the last four cruises,back to back.
As we left the dining room one evening I caught her eye and stopped to say hello. We chatted and I said, "I understand you've been on this ship for the last four cruises". She replied, "Yes, that's true." Istated, "I don't understand" and she replied, withouta pause, "It's cheaper than a nursing home".
So, there will be no nursing home in my future. When I get old and feeble, I am going to get on a Princess Cruise Ship. The average cost for a nursing home is $200 per day. I have checked on reservations on aPrincess and I can get a long term discount and senior discount price of $135 per day. That leaves $65 a day for:
1. Gratuities which will only be $10 per day.
2. I will have as many as 10 meals a day if I can waddle to the restaurant, or I can have room service (which means I can have breakfast in bed every day of the week).
3. Princess has as many as three swimming pools, a workout room, free washers and dryers, and shows everynight.
4. They have free toothpaste and razors, and free soap and shampoo.
5. They will even treat you like a customer, not a patient. An extra $5 worth of tips will have the entire staff scrambling to help you.
6. I will get to meet new people every 7 or 14 days.
7. TV broken? Light bulb need changing? Need to have the mattress replaced? No Problem! They will fix everything and apologize for your inconvenience.
8. Clean sheets and towels every day, and you don't even have to ask for them.
9. If you fall in the nursing home and break a hip you are on Medicare; if you fall and break a hip on the Princess ship they will upgrade you to a suite for the rest of your life.
10. Now hold on for the best! Do you want to see South America, the Panama Canal, Tahiti, Australia, New Zealand, Asia, or name where you want to go?
Princess will have a ship ready to go. So don't look for me in a nursing home, just call shore to ship.
PS: And don't forget, when you die, they just dump you over the side -- at no charge.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-07-2006, 10:34 AM:
Rated G B.B.
"Senior's Ode to Medication"
A row of bottles on my shelf caused me to analyze myself.
One yellow pill I have to pop Goes to my heart so it won't stop.
A little white one that I take goes to my hands so they won't shake.
The blue ones that I use a lot tell me I'm happy when I'm not.
The purple pill goes to my brain and tells me that I have no pain.
The capsules tell me not to wheeze or cough or choke or even sneeze.
The red ones, smallest of them all Go to my blood so I won't fall.
The orange ones, very big and bright prevent my leg cramps in the night.
Such an array of brilliant pills, helping to cure all kinds of ills.
But what I'd really like to know... Is what tells each one where to go!
~Author Unknown
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-10-2006, 10:33 AM:
Rated G Quirk
THE SENILITY PRAYER: Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-14-2006, 10:36 AM:
Rated G B.B.
Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: "Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?
" Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby." "
Really!? Like a newborn baby!?"
"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-28-2006, 12:08 PM:
Rated PG
The elderly woman was at the gynecologist's office for her checkup appointment. The doctor was having a hard time getting his "gooseneck" lamp to stay in one place so that he could see well. Finally he told the nurse, "Well, that thing's just worn out!"
The old lady sat up and said, "Well, I can't help it. I'm Old!!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-28-2006, 12:43 PM:
Rated G
One day my 96-year-old mother, a resident in a nursing home, had a visitor. The interim minister of the First United Church introduced herself. "But you're a woman," mother exclaimed.
"Yes, I am," replied the visitor.
Mother thought for a moment and then asked, "Does the congregation know that?"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-01-2006, 10:53 AM:
Rated G Lorraine
A spry 83, I try to maintain the attitude and energy of a younger person.
One day I spotted an elderly lady waiting to enter a crosswalk.
To give her confidence I gently took her by the elbow and crossed with her. At the other side, she held my hand in both of hers.
"Now," she said, "can you go the rest of the way yourself?"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-08-2006, 10:03 AM:
Rated G
Some "Senior" personal ads seen in Florida and Arizona newspapers: (Who sez seniors don't have a sense of humor?)
FOXY LADY: Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty, 80's, slim,5'-4" (used to be 5-6), searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion. Matching white shoes and belt a plus.
LONG-TERM COMMITMENT: Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband looking for someone to round out a six- unit plot. Dizziness, fainting, shortness of breath not a problem.
SERENITY NOW: I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga and meditation. If you are the silent type, let's get together, take our hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times.
WINNING SMILE: Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated flossier to share rare steaks, corn on the cob and caramel candy.
BEATLES OR STONES? I still like to rock, still like to cruise in my Camaro on Saturday nights and still like to play the air guitar. If you were a groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen, let's get together and listen to my boss collection of eight-track tapes.
MEMORIES: I can usually remember Monday through Thursday. If you can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let's put our two heads together.
MINT CONDITION: Male, 1932, high mileage, good condition, some hair, many new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves. Isn't in running condition, but walks well.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-08-2006, 10:10 AM:
Rated G Denny in Yonkers
IF MY BODY WERE A CAR
If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model. I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull, but that's not the worst of it.
My fenders are too wide to be considered stylish. They were once as sleek as a little MG; now they look more like an old Buick.
My seat cushions have split open at the seams. My seats are sagging. Seat belts? I gave up all belts when Krispy Cremes opened a shop in my neighborhood.!
Air bag's ? Forget it. The only bags I have these days are under my eyes. Not counting the saddlebags, of course.
I have soooooo many miles on my odometer. Sure, I've been many places and seen many things, but when's the last time an appraiser factored life experiences against depreciation?
My headlights are out of focus and it's especially hard to see things up close.
My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather.
My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins.
It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed.
My fuel rate burns inefficiently.
But here's the worst of it - almost every time I sneeze, cough or sputter..... either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-10-2006, 08:03 AM:
Rated G Lorraine
An elderly patient of mine who had many gold crowns told one of his friends that after he died he wanted to have his ashes spread over his favorite fishing hole.
"Why do you want that?" his friend asked.
"I'd like to pan for all that gold."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-17-2006, 01:35 PM:
Rated R
Grandma and Grandpa were visiting their kids overnight.
When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet, he asked about using one of the pills.
The son said, "I don't think you should take one Dad; they're very strong and very expensive."
"How much?" asked Grandpa.
"$ 10.00 a pill," answered the son.
"I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd still like to try one, and before we leave in the morning, I'll put the money under the pillow."
Later the next morning, the son found $110.00 under the pillow. He called Grandpa and said, "I told you each pill was $10.00, not $110.00.
I know," said Grandpa. "The hundred is from Grandma."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-24-2006, 05:08 PM:
Rated G B.B.
Retirees: The Whole Truth, Nothing But...
Question: How many days in a week? Answer: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday
Question: When is a retiree's bedtime? Answer: Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch.
Question: How many retirees to change a light bulb? Answer: Only one, but it might take all day.
Question: What's the biggest gripe of retirees? Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done.
Question: Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors? Answer: The term comes with a 10% percent discount.
Question: Among retirees what is considered formal attire? Answer: Tied shoes.
Question: Why do retirees count pennies? Answers: They are the only ones who have the time.
Question: What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire? Answer: NUTS!
Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage? Answer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.
Question: What do retirees call a long lunch? Answer: Normal.
Question: What is the best way to describe retirement? Answers: The never ending Coffee Break.
Question: What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree? Answer: If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.
Question: Why does a retiree often say he doesn't miss work, but misses the people he used to work with? Answer: He is too polite to tell the whole truth.
If you have not yet retired, look what you have to look forward too...
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-25-2006, 03:23 PM:
Rated G
Old Is....
"OLD" IS WHEN..... Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "Pick one, I can't do both!"
"OLD" IS WHEN..... Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... "Getting a little action" means I don't need to take any fiber today.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... "Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.
"OLD" IS WHEN... An "all-nighter" means not getting up to pee.
Posted by Gordon Bachlund (Member # 124) on 03-27-2006, 12:50 PM:
Rated PG...
Maude and Claude, both 91, lived in a retirement community. They met in the social center and discovered over time that they enjoyed each other's company.
After several weeks of meeting for coffee, Claude asked Maude out for dinner and, much to his delight, she accepted. They had a lovely evening. They dined at the most romantic restaurant in town. Despite his age, Claude was still a charmer.
Afterward, Claude asked Maude to join him at his place for an after-dinner drink. Things continued along a natural course and age being no inhibitor, Maude soon joined Claude for a most enjoyable roll in the hay.
As they were basking in the glow of the magic moments they'd shared, each was lost for a time in their own thoughts.
Claude was thinking, "If I'd known she was a virgin, I'd have been gentler"
Maude was thinking, "If I'd known he could still do it, I'd have taken off my pantyhose."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-27-2006, 02:55 PM:
Rated G B.B.
The Price Of Getting Old!
A group of Florida senior citizens were talking about their ailments. "My arms are so weak I can hardly hold this cup of coffee."
"Yes, I know. My cataracts are so bad I can't even see my coffee."
"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck."
"My blood pressure pills make my dizzy."
"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old."
"Well, it's not all bad. We should be thankful that we can still drive."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-28-2006, 08:00 AM:
Rated G B.B.
An Ode to Old Age
There's quite an art to falling apart as the years go by, And life doesn't begin at 40. That's a big fat lie. My hair's getting thinner, my body is not; The few teeth I have are beginning to rot.
I smell of Vick's-Vapo-Rub, not Chanel # 5; My new pacemaker's all that keeps me alive. When asked of my past, every detail I'll know, But what was I doing 10 minutes ago?
Well, you get the idea, what more can I say? I'm off to read the obituary, like I do every day; If my names not there, I'll once again start - Perfecting the art of falling apart
~Unknown
Posted by Gordon Bachlund (Member # 124) on 03-28-2006, 02:42 PM:
Rated G...
Posted by Gordon Bachlund (Member # 124) on 03-28-2006, 02:43 PM:
Rated G...
Bob, a 70 year old extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25 year-old blonde. She knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm. In addition, she hangs over Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word.
His buddies at the club are all aghast. They corner him and ask, "Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?"
Bob replies, "Girlfriend? She's my wife!"
They're knocked over, but continue to ask. "So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?"
Bob says, "I lied about my age."
His friends respond, "What do you mean? Did you tell her you were only 50?"
Bob smiles and says, "No, I told her I was 90."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-31-2006, 03:49 PM:
Rated PG Denny in Yonkers
I 'm over 60 now and the Armed Forces say I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 35 to join the military.
They've got the whole thing backwards. Instead of sending 18-year-olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join until you're at least 35.
For starters:
Researchers say 18-year- olds think about sex every 10 seconds.
Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.
Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. If we can't kill the enemy we'll complain them into submission. "My back hurts!" "I'm hungry!" "Where's the remote control?"
An 18-year-old hasn't had a legal beer yet and you shouldn't go to war until you're at least old enough to legally drink. An average old guy, on the other hand, has consumed 126,000 gallons of beer by the time he's 35 and a jaunt through the desert heat with a beer carton and M-60 would do wonders for the old beer belly. (Note there are 24 hours in a day and 24 bottles in a beer carton...another convenient way to measure time!)
An 18-year-old doesn't like to get up before 10 a.m.
Old guys get up early every morning to pee.
If old guys are captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd probably forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.
Boot camp would actually be easier for old guys. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we actually like soft food. We've also developed a deep appreciation for guns and rifles.
We like them almost better than naps.
They could lighten up on the obstacle course however. I've been in combat and I didn't see a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training. I can hear the Drill Sergeant now, "Get down and give me...er...one."
And the running part is kind of a waste of energy. I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.
An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to actually carry on a conversation, and to wear pants without the top of his butt crack showing and his boxer shorts sticking out. He's still hasn't figured out that a pierced tongue catches food particles, and that a 400-watt speaker in the back seat of a Honda Accord can rupture an eardrum, and that a baseball cap has a brim to shade eyes, not the back of a head.
All great reasons to keep our sons at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off to possible death.
Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten cowards who attacked our hearts on September 11. The last thing the enemy would want to see right now is a couple of million old gezers with attitudes.
(It's purposely in big type for us old guys)
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-01-2006, 10:22 AM:
Rated G B.B.
Got an E-Mail that labled all 'Seniors' as O.W.L.S. (Owls)
O...Older W...Wiser L...Laughing S...Souls
I guess that's supposed to be some kinda' Joke?
Well, I'm 'Older'...no disputin' that. 'Wiser'?...Yeah Right! 'Laughin'...So far haven't found much to laugh about. 'Souls'?...Yes,I have two of those...one on the bottom of each foot.
Just,(in case you're interested & even if yur' not) let me tell ya' something!! "Old Age Ain't No game for Jokers!"
AND, I Ain't No OWL! I'm An O.R.C.A.!!!!! (Orca)
O...Overmedicated R... Ramblin' C...Cantankerous A...Antique
To Tell Ya' The Truth, When Push Comes to Shove... This business of Old Age Can Be A Real Stinker! But we're nobody's fool...so Have a fun April Fool's Day!
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-12-2006, 03:26 PM:
Rated G
As we all get older, I'm sure that, like me, you would like to stay "alive 'n' sharp" for as long as possible. The harsh reality, however, is that none of us lives forever, and one of these days each one of us is likely to finally "lose our smarts."
If you're like me, you will want to know when that happens so that you don't embarrass either yourself or your loved ones, so I'm convinced that each of us should take a good hard look at ourselves from time to time. This should help get you started with the process:
During a visit to a hospital for the mentally infirm, a visitor asked the director what the criteria was that defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
"Well," said the director, "we fill up a bathtub; then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup, and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No," said the director, "a normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed by the wall or near the window?"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-22-2006, 09:33 PM:
Rated G
God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
Now that I'm 'older' (but refuse to grow up), here's what I've discovered:
1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
2. My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran.
3. I finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart.
4. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...
5. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...
6. All reports are in; life is now officially unfair.
7. If all is not lost, where is it?
8. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
9. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...
10. Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.
11. I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few...
12. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.
13. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.
14. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...
15. It's hard to make a come back when you haven't been anywhere.
16. The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom.
1. 77. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
17. When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone decide to play chess?
18. Funny, I don't remember being absentminded...
19. It's not hard to meet expenses...they're everywhere.
20. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
21. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter...I go somewhere to get something and then wonder what I'm here after.
22. I AM UNABLE TO REMEMBER IF I HAVE MAILED THIS TO YOU OR NOT!
23. Funny, I don't remember being . . . . absent minded...
Now, I think you're supposed to send this to 5 or 6, maybe 8, maybe 10, oh, heck, just send it to a bunch of your friends if you can remember who they are. Then something is supposed to happen...I think. Maybe you get your memory back or something!
I think...
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-22-2006, 09:38 PM:
Rated G Hank in Simi Valley, Ca.
REFLECTIONS
You know, time has a way of moving quickly and catching you unaware of the passing years.
It seems just yesterday that I was young, just married and embarking on my new life with my mate. And yet in a way, it seems like eons ago, and I wonder where all the years went. I know that I lived them all...
And I have glimpses of how it was back then and of all my hopes and dreams... But, here it is...the winter of my life and it catches me by surprise...
How did I get here so fast? Where did the years go and where did my babies go? And where did my youth go?
I remember well... seeing older people through the years and thinking that those older people were years away from me and that winter was so far off that I could not fathom it or imagine fully what it would be like...
But, here it is...wife retired and she's really getting gray...she moves slower and I see an older woman now. She's in better shape than me... but, I see the great change... Not the one I married who was young and vibrant... but, like me, her age is beginning to show and we are now those older folks that we used to see and never thought we'd be.
Each day now, I find that just getting a shower is a real target for the day! And taking a nap is not a treat anymore...it's mandatory! Cause if I don't on my own free will...I just fall asleep where I sit!
And so, now I enter into this new season of my life unprepared for all the aches and pains and the loss of strength and ability to go and do things.
But, at least I know, that though the winter has come, and I'm not sure how long it will last...This I know, that when it's over...its over....Yes , I have regrets .There are things I wish I hadn't done ,,,,,things I should have done. But indeed, there are many things I'm happy to have done. Its all in a lifetime.. .
So, if you're not in your winter yet...let me remind you, that it will be here faster than you think. So, whatever you would like to accomplish in your life please do it quickly! Don't forget family. They will be gone sooner than you think & that will be one of those things you wished you had done.
Life goes by quickly So, do what you can today, because you can never be sure whether this is your winter or not!
You have no promise that you will see all the seasons of your life...so, live for good today and say all the things that you want your loved ones to remember...
"Life is a gift to you. The way you live your life is your gift to those who came after. Make it a fantastic one."
LIVE IT WELL!!
~author unknown~
Posted by Gordon Bachlund (Member # 124) on 05-04-2006, 11:28 AM:
Rated PG....
Little Tony was staying with his grandmother for a few days. He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her, "Grandma, what is that called when two people are sleeping in the same room and one is on top of the other?"
She was a little taken aback, but decided to tell him the truth. "It's called sexual intercourse, darling."
Little Tony just said, "Oh, OK" and went back outside to talk and play with the other kids.
A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, "Grandma, it is not called sexual intercourse! It's called Bunk Beds! And Jimmy's Mom wants to talk to you!!"
Posted by Gordon Bachlund (Member # 124) on 05-04-2006, 05:03 PM:
Rated G...
A guy shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around. If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore she kept staring at him. She finally overtook him at the checkout, and she turned to him and said, "I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease; it's just that you look so much like my late son."
He answered, "That's okay."
"I know it's silly, but if you'd call out "Good bye, Mom" as I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy."
She then went through the checkout ... and as she was on her way out of the store, the man called out, "Goodbye, Mother." The little old lady waved and smiled back at him.
Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone's day, he went to pay for his groceries.
"That comes to $121.85," said the clerk.
"How come so much? I only bought 5 items."
The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your Mother said you'd pay for her things, too."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 05-10-2006, 06:45 AM:
Rated G
A number of thoughts about the fun of aging.Did I mention that these are about aging?
I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my
doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. Idecided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted,gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.
Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked. She simply replied, "No peer pressure."
The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.
Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?" "98," she replied."Two years older than me." "So you're 96," the undertaker commented.She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it?
I've sure gotten old.! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip
replacement, new knees. Fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends.But, thank God, I still have my driver's license.
An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests.First, she wanted to be cremated,and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart."Wal-Mart?" the preacher exclaimed. "Why Wal-Mart?" "Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week."
My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.
I'm getting into swing dancing. Not on purpose. Some parts of my body are just prone to swinging.
It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffeemaker.
These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast relief."
Don't think of it as getting hot flashes.Think of it as your inner child playing with matches.
Don't let aging get you down. It's too hard to get back up.!
Remember: You don't stop laughing because you grow old, You grow oldbecause you stop laughing.
THE SENILITY PRAYER : Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do,and theeyesight to tell the difference.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 07-10-2006, 06:43 AM:
Rated G
I was always taught to respect my elders, but it keeps getting harder to find one.
Posted by Gordon Bachlund (Member # 124) on 10-11-2006, 01:55 PM:
Rated G...
A lady friend writes:
---An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart. "Wal-Mart?" the preacher exclaimed. "Why Wal-Mart?" "Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week."
---My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
---It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffeemaker.
---The good news is that even as we get older, guys still look at our boobs. The bad news is they have to squat down first.
---These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast relief."
---I've tried to find a suitable exercise video for women my age, but they haven't made one called "Buns of Putty."
---Don't think of it as getting hot flashes. Think of it as your inner child playing with matches.
---Don't let aging get you down. It's too hard to get back up!
---Remember: You don't stop laughing because you grow old, You grow old because you stop laughing.
---THE SENILITY PRAYER: Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-18-2006, 07:45 AM:
Rated G Faye in Kingston, Ont.
NEVER MIND
Now, isn't that nice? I just discovered a lever on my computer keyboard that makes the screen larger. A "zoom," it's called.
We'll be seeing more and more of this, I guess, as the population greys. Sometime soon there will be more people over 65 years old in America than there will be children in school.
When I was a young woman, I would thread a half -dozen needles for my mother every time I visited, so that she could sew on a button in between visits from me. This morning I needed to sew one on myself, and spent at least five fruitless minutes struggling with threading the needle before I finally got the thread through the eye. What's going on, I asked myself as I put the end of the thread in my mouth for the tenth time. Are they making thread thicker now than they used to? Or are they making the eyes of needles finer? Why do they do that?
They don't, of course. But never mind.
Who knew that picking up small things was difficult? It ought be to picking up big things that's hard, oughtn't it? But never mind.
Up, up! said the sweet young woman at the cosmetics party I went to last week as she watched me apply moisturizer. Yes, I know: I read the same thing in a magazine--we should always use upward motions when we wash our faces or slather on cream, or even when we blow our noses or cry. Don't collude in what the law of gravity is trying to do to your face. Don't make it worse than it already is. It's true that my cheeks are heading south fast, but I'm not sure I'm going to be able to remember this when I cry. But never mind.
Eventually it will all be like threading a needle -- we just won't be able todoit. Someone else is going to have to do it for us, or it just won't get done and the world will go on turning.
Which is what we mean when we say "Never mind."
Copyright © 2006 Barbara Crafton - http://www.geraniumfarm.org
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-22-2007, 08:16 AM:
Rated G Lorraine
During the summer I was the assistant activities director at the senior citizens home in our town. On my last day before returning to school, I took my seven-year-old niece with me to visit some of the residents. After saying our good-byes to everyone, Janice and I left. As we were walking to the car, she looked up at me and exclaimed, "So that's where all the grandmas hang out!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-23-2007, 05:11 PM:
Rated G
My friend Richard is 81 years old and still plays golf and badminton. He had to change his primary medical provider as his old one retired. The questionaire asked all the basic questions and on one of them it asked your current weight. He put down 185. It asked what was the most you ever weighed. He put down 198. It asked what was your lowest weight. He put down 7 pounds 5 ounces.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-25-2007, 11:25 AM:
Rated G Bruce
This 80 year old woman was arrested for shop lifting. When she went before the judge in Cincinnati he asked her, "What did you steal?" She replied, "A can of peaches." The judge then asked her why she had stolen the can of peaches and she replied that she was hungry. The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied 6.
The judge then said, "I will then give you 6 days in jail." Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment, the woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something. The judge said, "What is it?" The husband said, "She also stole a can of peas."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-13-2007, 08:04 AM:
Rated R Becky
Two elderly residents, a man and a woman, were sitting alone in the lobby of their nursing home one evening.
The old man looked over and said to the old lady, "I know just what you're wanting, and for $5, I'll have sex with you right over there in that rocking chair."
The old lady looked surprised but didn't say a word.
The old man continued, "For $10 I'll do it with you on that nice soft sofa over there, but for $20 I'll take you back to my room, light some candles, and give you the most romantic evening you've ever had in your life."
The old lady still says nothing but after a couple of minutes, starts digging down in her purse. She pulls out a wrinkled $20 and holds it up.
"So you want the nice romantic evening in my room," says the old man.
"Are you kidding?" she said. "Give me four times in the rocker."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-21-2007, 12:46 PM:
Rated G
A rather old fashioned lady, always quite delicate and elegant, especially in her language, was planning a weeks holiday in Sydney with her husband, so she wrote to a particular camping ground and asked for a reservation.
She wanted to make sure that the camping ground was fully equipped, but didn't know quite how to ask about the toilet facilities. She just couldn't bring herself to write the word "toilet" in her letter.
After much thought, she finally came up with the old fashioned term "Bathroom closet" but when she wrote it down, she still thought she was being too forward, so she started all over again, rewrote the letter, and referred to the bathroom closet as the B.C.
"Does the camping ground have it's own B.C." is what she wrote.
Well, the camping ground owner wasn't a bit old fashioned, and he just couldn't figure out what the old lady was talking about, so he showed the letter around a few of the campers and the only thing they could come up with was that B.C. stood for Baptist Church, so he wrote the following reply.
Dear Madam,
I regret very much the delay in answering your letter, but I now take the pleasure of informing you that a B.C. is located nine miles north of our camping ground, and is capable of seating 250 people at one time.
I admit that it is quite a distance away if you are in the habit of going regularly but no doubt you will be pleased to know that a great number of campers go there and many take their lunches along and make a day of it. They usually arrive nice and early and stay quite late.
The last time my wife and I went was six years ago, and it was so crowded we had to stand up the whole time we were there. It may interest you to know that there is a special supper planned there to raise money to buy more seats so that everyone will be able to sit in comfort.
I would like to say that it pains me very much not to be able to go more regularly, but it is surely no lack of desire on my part, just that I am so busy most of the time.
As we grow older, it seems to be more of an effort to go, especially in the cold weather. If you decide to come down to our camping ground perhaps I could go with you the first time you go, sit with you and introduce you to all the other folks.
Remember this is a very friendly community
Posted by Gordon Bachlund (Member # 124) on 04-21-2007, 11:56 AM:
Rated PG
Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, and loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors. Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic the other residents tolerated her and some of them actually joined in.
One day Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky Lawrence stepped out with his arm outstretched. "STOP!," he shouted in a firm voice. "Have you got a license for that thing?" Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it up to him. "OK" he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.
As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted "STOP! Have you got proof of insurance?" Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster and held it up to him. Harold nodded and said "On your way, Ma'am."
As Ethel neared the final corridor, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her, buck naked, and holding his "You-Know-What" in his hand. "Oh, good grief," yelled Ethel, "Not that Damn Breathalyzer Test again!"
Posted by Gordon Bachlund (Member # 124) on 04-21-2007, 12:36 PM:
Rated G...
An older couple went to breakfast at a restaurant where the "seniors' special" was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $1.99.
"Sounds good," the wife said. "But I don't want the eggs."
"Then I'll have to charge you two dollars and forty-nine cents because you're ordering a la carte," the waitress warned her.
"You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?" the wife asked incredulously.
"YES!" stated the waitress.
"I'll take the special then," the wife said.
"How do you want your eggs?" the waitress asked.
"Raw and in the shell," the wife replied.
She took the two eggs home.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-30-2007, 07:33 AM:
Rated G
These kind of emails always get me thinking of my childhood. About how simple it seemed then. Nobody locked thier doors. Any parent on the street could (and would!) whup your behind if they caught you misbehaving. Digging for nightcrawlers in the boulevard of White Place so that we could sell them to the bait shop and make some candy money. Hearing Mom call us into dinner. *sigh* There are days I would love to go back . . .
Lightning Bugs/Older'n Dirt!!
"Hey Dad," one of my kids asked the other day, "What was your favorite fast food when you were growing up?"
"We didn't have fast food when I was growing up," I informed him. "All the food was slow."
"C'mon, seriously. Where did you eat?"
"It was a place called 'at home,'" I explained. "Grandma cooked every day and when Grandpa got home from work, we sat down together at the dining room table, and if I didn't like what she put on my plate I was allowed to sit there until I did like it."
By this time, the kid was laughing so hard I was afraid he was going to suffer serious internal damage, so I didn't tell him the part about how I had to have permission to leave the table. But here are some other things I would have told him about my childhood if I figured his system could have handled it:
Some parents NEVER owned their own house, wore Levis , set foot on a golf course, traveled out of the country or had a credit card. In their later years they had something called a revolving charge card. The card was good only at Sears Roebuck. Or maybe it was Sears AND Roebuck. Either way, there is no Roebuck anymore. Maybe he died.
My parents never drove me to soccer practice. This was mostly because we never had heard of soccer. I had a bicycle that weighed probably 50 pounds, and only had one speed, (slow). We didn't have a television in our house until I was 14, It was, of course, black and white, but they bought a piece of colored plastic to cover the screen. The top third was blue, like the sky, and the bottom third was green, like grass. The middle third was red. It was perfect for programs that had scenes of fire trucks riding across someone's lawn on a sunny day. Some people had a lens taped to the front of the TV to make the picture look larger.
I was 17 before I tasted my first pizza, it was called "pizza pie." When I bit into it, I burned the roof of my mouth and tongue and the cheese slid off, swung down, plastered itself against my chin and burned that, too.
I never had a telephone in my room. The only phone in the house was in the living room and it was on a party line. Before you could dial, you had to listen and make sure some people you didn't know weren't already using the line.
Pizzas were not delivered to our home. But milk was.
All newspapers were delivered by boys and all boys delivered newspapers. I delivered a newspaper, six days a week. It cost 7 cents a paper, of which I got to keep 2 cents. I had to get up at 4 AM every morning. On Saturday, I had to collect the 42 cents from my customers. My favorite customers were the ones who gave me 50 cents and told me to keep the change. My least favorite customers were the ones who seemed to never be home on collection day.
Movie stars kissed with their mouths shut. At least, they did in the movies. Touching someone else's tongue with yours was called French kissing and they didn't do that in movies. I don't know what they did in French movies. French movies were dirty and we weren't allowed to see them.
If you grew up in a generation before there was fast food, you may want to share some of these memories with your children or grandchildren. Just don't blame me if they bust a gut laughing.
Growing up isn't what it used to be, is it?
MEMORIES from a friend:
My Dad is cleaning out my grandmother's house (she died in December) and he brought me an old Royal Crown Cola bottle. In the bottle top was a stopper with a bunch of holes in it. I knew immediately what it was, but my daughter had no idea. She thought they had tried to make it a salt shaker or something. I knew it as the bottle that sat on the end of the ironing board to "sprinkle" clothes with because we didn't have steam irons. Man, I am old.
How many do you remember?
Head lights dimmer switches on the floor.
Ignition switches on the dashboard.
Heaters mounted on the inside of the fire wall.
Real ice boxes.
Pant leg clips for bicycles without chain guards.
Soldering irons you heat on a gas burner.
Using hand signals for cars without turn signals.
Older Than Dirt Quiz: Count all the ones that you remember not the ones you were told about Ratings at the bottom.
1. Blackjack chewing gum
2. Wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water
3. Candy cigarettes
4. Soda pop machines that dispensed glass bottles
5. Coffee shops or diners with tableside juke boxe s
6 . Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers
7. Party lines
8. Newsreels before the movie
9. P.F. Flyers
10. Butch wax
11. Telephone numbers with a word prefix (OLive-6933)
12. Peashooters
13. Howdy Doody
14. 45 RPM records
15. S&H Green Stamps
16 Hi-fi's
17. Metal ice trays with lever
18. Mimeograph paper
19 Blue flashbulb
20. Packards
21. Roller skate keys
22. Cork popguns
23. Drive-ins
24. Studebakers
25. Wash tub wringers
If you remembered 0-5 = You're still young
If you remembered 6-10 = You are getting older
If you remembered 11-15 = Don't tell your age,
If you remembered 16-25 = You're older than dirt!
I might be older than dirt but those memories are the best part of my life.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-30-2007, 02:27 PM:
Rated G
Show this to your children and grandchildren
THE YEAR 1906
This will boggle your mind, I know it did mine!
The year is 1906.
One hundred years ago.
What a difference a century makes!
Here are some of the U.S. statistics for the Year 1906:
************************************
The average life expectancy in the U.S. was 47 years.
Only 14 percent of the homes in the U.S had a bathtub.
Only 8 percent of the homes had a telephone.
A three-minute call from Denver to New York City cost eleven dollars.
There were only 8,000 cars in the U.S. , and only 144 miles
of paved roads
The maximum speed limit in most cities was 10 mph.
Alabama, Mississippi, Iowa, and Tennessee were each more
heavily populated than California .
With a mere 1.4 million people, California was only the 21st
most populous state in the Union .
The tallest structure in the world was the Eiffel Tower !
The average wage in the U.S. was 22 cents per hour.
The average U.S. worker made between $200 and $400 per year .
A competent accountant could expect to earn $2000 per year,
a dentist $2,500 per year,? a veterinarian between $1,500 and $4,000 per year, and a mechanical engineer about $5,000 per year.?
More than 95 percent of all births in the U.S. took place at HOME .
Ninety percent of all U.S. doctors had NO COLLEGE EDUCATION!
Instead, they attended so-called medical schools, many of which
were condemned in the press AND the government as "substandard."
Sugar cost four cents a pound.
Eggs were fourteen cents a dozen.
Coffee was fifteen cents a pound.
Most women only washed their hair once a month, and used
borax or egg yolks for shampoo.
Canada passed a law that prohibited poor people from
entering into their country for any reason.
Five leading causes of death in the U.S. were:
1. Pneumonia and influenza
2. Tuberculosis
3. Diarrhea
4. Heart disease
5. Stroke
The American flag had 45 stars.
Arizona , Oklahoma , New Mexico, Hawaii , and
Alaska hadn't been admitted to the Union yet.
The population of Las Vegas , Nevada , was only 30!!!!
Crossword puzzles, canned beer, and ice tea hadn't been invented yet.
There was no Mother's Day or Father's Day.
Two out of every 10 U.S adults couldn't read or write.
Only 6 percent of all Americans had graduated from high school.
Eighteen percent of households in the U.S. had at least one
full-time servant or domestic help.
There were about 230 reported murders in the ENTIRE U.S.A. !
Now I forwarded this from someone else without typing
it myself, and sent it to you and others all over the United States ,possibly the world, in a matter of seconds!
Try to imagine what it may be like in another 100 years
IT STAGGERS THE MIND, EH ....!
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 05-01-2007, 01:45 PM:
Rated G
JOKES ABOUT THE OLDER CROWD
Two old guys are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart when they collide. The first old guy says to the second guy, "Sorry about that I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."
The second old guy says, "That's OK, It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."
The first old guy says, "Well, maybe I can help you find her. What does she look like?"
The second old guy says: "Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, long legs, big bust, and is wearing short shorts. What does your wife look like?"
To which the first old guy says, "Doesn't matter, let's look for yours."
``````````````````````````````````````````````````````````
A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office.
"Is it true," she wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?"
"Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her.
There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied,
"I'm wondering, then, just how serious my condition is
because this prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS'."
-----------------------------------------
An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.
As he was about to get the anesthesia he asked to speak to his son.
"Yes, Dad, what is it?"
"Don't be nervous, son; do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well,if something happens to me,your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife...."
----------------------------------------
Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
------------------------------------------
The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
------------------------------------------
Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way.
I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.
--------------------------------------------
When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.
---------------------------------------------
You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.
----------------------------------------------
I don't know how I got over the hill without ever getting to the top.
----------------------------------------------
One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.
----------------------------------------------
Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.
-----------------------------------------------
Old age is when former classmates are so gray and wrinkled and bald, they don't recognize you.
---------------------------------------- ------
If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you are old.
--------------------------------------
First you forget names, then you forget faces.
Then you forget to pull up your zipper.
It's worse when you forget to pull it down.
-------------------------------------------
Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft..
Today, it's called golf.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her out to some place expensive.
So I took her to a gas station !!!!!!!
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 05-14-2007, 08:24 AM:
Rated G Lorraine
The seniors' facility where I work has a resident cat named Fred. At the front door of the building there's a keypad; to exit, you must enter the correct sequence of numbers. One day, a visitor noticed Fred at his feet just as he was about to leave and he turned to a nearby senior and asked, "Is the cat allowed out?”
"Oh yes,” she told him smiling, "he just hasn't learned the numbers yet.”
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 05-14-2007, 03:19 PM:
Rated G B.B.
As a professional house cleaner, I help invalids and elderly people with their housework. One day I remarked to an elderly couple that there never seemed to be any dust in their house.
"No," replied the husband, sadly, "we don't move fast enough to stir any up."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 05-16-2007, 10:56 AM:
Rated G Denny in Yonkers
Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.
This is how it manifests:
I decide to water my garden.
As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.
As I start toward the garage, I notice mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mail box earlier.
I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.
I lay my car keys on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table, and notice that the can is full.
So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage first.
But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.
I take my check book off the table, and see that there is only 1 check left.
My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of Coke I'd been drinking.
I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over.
The Coke is getting warm, and I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.
As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye--they need water.
I put the Coke on the counter and discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning.
I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers.
I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table.
I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I'll be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.
I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.
So, I set the remote back on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.
Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.
At the end of the day:
- The car isn't washed
- The bills aren't paid
- There is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter
- The flowers don't have enough water,
- There is still only 1 check in my check book,
- I can't find the remote,
- I can't find my glasses,
- And I don't remember what I did with the car keys.
Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all damn day, and I'm really tired.
I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail.
Do me a favor. Forward this message to everyone you know, because I don't remember who the hell I've sent it to.
Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming.
Posted by Gordon Bachlund (Member # 124) on 05-26-2007, 01:31 PM:
Rated G...
FAQ for seniors and almost seniors
Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?
A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When you are done you will have a place to live.
Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your 50+ year old husband?
A: Tell him you're pregnant.
Q: How can you avoid spotting a wrinkle every time you walk by a mirror?
A: The next time you're in front of a mirror, take off your glasses.
Q: Why should 50+ year old people use valet parking?
A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.
Q: Is it common for 50+ year olds to have problems with short term memory storage?
A: Storing memory is not a problem, retrieving it is a problem.
Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.
Q: Where do 50+ year olds look for fashionable glasses?
A: Their foreheads.
Q: What is the most common remark made by 50+ year olds when they enter antique stores?
A: "I remember these".
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 07-11-2007, 03:00 PM:
Rated PG Tony in Lyme
As part of his yearly physical exam, the doctor requested a sperm count from his 85-year-old male patient.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened. The man explained: "Well, doc, it's like this. First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.
Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, but still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.
We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too. First with both hands, then an armpit and she even tried squeezin' it betweenher knees, but still nothing."
The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"
The old man replied, "Yep. None of us could get the jar open".
Posted by Gordon Bachlund (Member # 124) on 07-17-2007, 02:27 PM:
Rated PG...
Three elderly ladies named Gertrude, Maude and Tilley were sitting on a park bench having a quiet conversation when a flasher approached from across the park.
The flasher came up to the ladies, stood right in front of them and opened his trench coat.
Gertrude immediately had a stroke.
Then Maude also had a stroke.
But Tilley, bless her heart, being older and more feeble, couldn't reach that far.
Posted by Gordon Bachlund (Member # 124) on 08-30-2007, 08:10 PM:
Rated PG...
Harold is 95 and lives in a Senior Citizen Home.
Every night after dinner, Harold goes to a secluded garden behind the Centre to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life.
One evening, Mildred, age 87, wanders into the garden. They begin to chat and before they know it, several hours have passed.
After a short lull in their conversation, Harold turns to Mildred and asks, "Do you know what I miss most of all?"
She asks, "What?"
"Sex!!" he replies.
Mildred exclaims, "Why you old fart. You couldn't get it up if I held a gun to your head!"
"I know," Harold says, "but it would be nice if a woman could just hold it for a while."
Well, I can oblige," says Mildred, who unzips his trousers, removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it. Afterward, they agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where they would sit and talk and Mildred would hold Harold's manhood.
Then one night Harold didn't show up at their usual meeting place. Alarmed, Mildred decided to find Harold and make sure he was O.K.
She walked around the Senior Citizen Home where she found him sitting by the pool with Ethel, another female resident, who was holding Harold's manhood!
Furious, Mildred yelled, "You two-timing creep! What does Ethel have that I don't have?"
Old Harold smiled happily and replied, "Parkinson's."
Posted by Gordon Bachlund (Member # 124) on 09-06-2007, 01:27 PM:
Rated PG....
Three mischievous old Grandmas were sitting on a bench outside a nursing home. About then an old Grandpa walked by, and one of the old Grandma's yelled out, "We bet we can tell you exactly how old you are."
"The old man said, "There ain't no way you can guess it, you old fools."
One of the old Grandmas said, "Sure we can! Just drop your under shorts and we can tell your exact age."
Embarrassed just a little, he dropped his drawers.
The Grandmas asked him to turn around a couple of times, asked him to jump up and down for a little while and then they all piped up and said, "You're 84 years old!"
"How in the world did you guess?"
The old Grandmas snickered and laughed. Slapping their knees and grinning from ear to ear, all three happily yelled in unison, "Because we were at your birthday party yesterday."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 09-07-2007, 01:38 PM:
Rated R
There was a family gathering, with all generations around the table.Mischievous teenagers put a Viagra tablet into Grandpa's drink,and after a while, Grandpa excused himself because he had to go to the bathroom.
When he returned, however, his trousers are wet all over.
"What happened, Grandpa?" he is asked by his concerned children.
"Well," he answered, "I don't really know. I had to go to the bathroom.So I took it out and started to pee, but then I saw that it wasn't mine, so I put it back!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 09-07-2007, 01:48 PM:
Rated PG An LA Friend
When an old man died in the geriatric ward of a small hospital near Tampa, Florida, it was believed that he had nothing left of any value.
Later, when the nurses were going through his meager possessions,they found this poem. Its quality and content so impressed the staff that copies were made and distributed to every nurse in the hospital.
One nurse took her copy to Missouri The old man's sole bequest to posterity has since appeared in the Christmas edition of the News Magazine of the St. Louis Association for Mental Health.
A slide presentation has also been made based on his simple, but eloquent, poem.
And this little old man, with nothing left to give to the world,is now the author of this 'anonymous' poem winging across the Internet.
Crabby Old Man
What do you see nurses? .....What do you see?
What are you thinking......when you're looking at me?
A crabby old man, ..........not very wise,
Uncertain of habit ........with faraway eyes?
Who dribbles his food.......and makes no reply.
When you say in a loud voice.....'I do wish you'd try!'
Who seems not to notice ....the things that you do.
And forever is losing ..... a sock or shoe?
Who, resisting or not...........lets you do as you will,
With bathing and feeding ....... the long day to fill?
Is that what you're thinking? ... Is that what you see?
Then open your eyes, nurse......you're not looking at me.
I'll tell you who I am ..... as I sit here so still,
As I do at your bidding, ...as I eat at your will.
I'm a small child of Ten......with a father and mother,
Brothers and sisters .......who love one another
A young boy of Sixteen .....with wings on his feet
Dreaming that soon now. ..........a lover he'll meet.
A groom soon at Twenty ......my heart gives a leap.
Remembering, the vows........that I promised to keep.
At Twenty-Five, now .......... I have young of my own.
Who need me to guide ..... and a secure happy home.
A man of Thirty ............. my young now grown fast,
Bound to each other ....... with ties that should last.
At Forty, my young sons ...have grown and are gone,
But my woman's beside me....to see I don't mourn.
At Fifty, once more, ...... babies play 'round my knee,
Again, we know children ...... my loved one and me.
Dark days are upon me ...... my wife is now dead.
I look at the future .......... I shudder with dread.
For my young are all rearing ....young of their own.
And I think of the years....and the love that I've known.
I'm now an old man.........and nature is cruel.
Tis jest to make old age .......look like a fool.
The body, it crumbles.......grace and vigor, depart.
There is now a stone........where I once had a heart.
But inside this old carcass . a young guy still dwells,
And now and again ........my battered heart swells.
I remember the joys......... I remember the pain.
And I'm loving and living...........life over again.
I think of the years .....all too few...gone too fast.
And accept the stark fact....that nothing can last.
So open your eyes, people .......open and see.
Not a crabby old man. Look closer....see........ME!!
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 09-08-2007, 12:12 PM:
Rated PG Hank in Simi Valley
Elderly Prenuptual Agreement
An elderly couple in their 80's were about to get married.
She said: I want to keep my house.
He said that's fine with me.
She said: And I want to keep my Cadillac.
He said: That's fine with me.
She said: And I want to have sex 6 times a week.
He said: That's fine with me.... Put me down for Friday.
Posted by Gordon Bachlund (Member # 124) on 09-30-2007, 12:57 PM:
Rated G....
An older gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist who shared an office with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled with patients. As he approached the receptionist's desk, he noticed that the receptionist was a large, unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler. He gave her his name.
In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, "YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"
All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at the very embarrassed man.
He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied, "NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR WHO DID YOURS."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-07-2007, 11:21 AM:
Rated G Dave iin Aurora, Ont.
What do retired people do all day?
Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.
Well, for example the other day I went into town and went into a shop. I was only in there for about 5 minutes. When I came out there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.
I went up to him and said, "Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?' He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi turd. He glared at me and starting writing another ticket for having worn tires. So I called him a s...head.
He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes.
The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
Personally, I didn't care. I came into town by BUS.
I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired.
Posted by Shane Cooper (Member # 2510) on 10-10-2007, 07:20 PM:
Rated PG13
A animated version of one of my favorite silly jokes.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5hEG-JIyiJ4&NR=1
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-12-2007, 01:29 PM:
Rated G Mike
When asked by a coworker how I was doing, I replied, "At my age, when I wake up in the morning and consider the alternative, the day starts our pretty good."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-18-2007, 01:17 PM:
Rated G Lorraine
The ninety-five year old woman at the nursing home received a visit from one of her fellow church members.
"How are you feeling?" the visitor asked.
"Oh," said the lady, "I'm just worried sick!"
"What are you worried about, dear?" her friend asked.
"You look like you're in good health. They are taking care of you, aren't they?"
"Yes, they are taking very good care of me."
"Are you in any pain?" she asked.
"No, I have never had a pain in my life."
"Well, what are you worried about?" her friend asked again.
The lady leaned back in her rocking chair and slowly explained her major worry. "Every close friend I ever had has already died and gone on to heaven. I'm afraid they're all wondering where I went."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-19-2007, 08:21 AM:
Rated X Denny in Yonkers
LOVEMAKING TIPS FOR SENIORS
1. Put on your glasses. Double check that your partner is actually in bed with you.
2. Set timer for 3 minutes, in case you doze off in the middle.
3. Set the mood with lighting. Turn them ALL OFF!
4. Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you begin.
5. Write partner's name on your hand in case you can't remember it.
6. Keep extra polygrip close by so your teeth don't end up under the bed or between the thighs.
7. Have Tylenol ready in case you actually complete the act.
8. Make all the noise you want. The neighbors are deaf too.
9. If it works, call everyone you know with the good news.
10. Don't even think about trying it twice.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-31-2007, 02:37 PM:
Rated G
PERKS OF BEING OVER 60
1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
3. No one expects you to run--anywhere.
4. People call at 9 pm and ask, Did I wake you????
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won't wear out.
8. You can eat supper at 4 pm.
9. You can live without sex but not your glasses.
10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.
13. You sing along with elevator music.
14. Your eyes won't get much worse.
15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.
17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
19. You can't remember who sent you this list.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-09-2007, 05:37 PM:
Rated G Denny in Yonkers
Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says:
'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm jus t full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'
Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'
'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'
'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'
Posted by Gordon Bachlund (Member # 124) on 11-28-2007, 06:31 PM:
Rated R
The two little old ladies, who were long time friends and a
bit old-fashioned, each went to a retirement home of her own
respective religion.
It was not long before Mrs. Murphy felt very lonesome for
Mrs. Cohen, so one day she asked to be driven to the Jewish
Home to visit her old friend.
When she arrived she was greeted with open arms, hugs, and
kisses. Mrs. Murphy said "Don't be holdin' back, Mrs. Cohen,
how do you like it here?"
Mrs. Cohen went on and on about the wonderful food, the
facility and the caretakers. Then, with a twinkle in her eye,
she said, "But the best thing is that I now have a boyfriend."
Mrs. Murphy said, "Now isn't that wonderful! Tell me all
about it."
Mrs. Cohen said, "After lunch we go up to my room and sit on
the edge of the bed. I let him touch me on the top and then
all over, and then we sing Jewish songs."
Mrs. Murphy said, "For sure it's a blessing. I'm so glad
for you Mrs. Cohen."
Mrs. Cohen said, "And how is it with you, Mrs. Murphy?"
Mrs. Murphy said it was also wonderful at her new facility,
and that she also had a boyfriend.
Mrs. Cohen said, "Good for you! So what do you do?"
"We also go up to my room after lunch and sit on the edge of
the bed. I let him touch me on top, and then I let him touch
me all over."
Mrs. Cohen said, "Yes? And then....?"
Mrs. Murphy said, "Well, since we don't know any Jewish songs,
we fuck."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-02-2007, 04:50 PM:
Rated G
PERKS OF BEING OVER 50
For those who have reached 50 - you can relate - for those not yet there...something to look forward to...
1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
3. No one expects you to run--anywhere.
4. People call at 9 pm and ask, "Did I wake you?"
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won't wear out.
8. You can eat supper at 4 pm.
9. You can live without sex but not your glasses.
10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
11 You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.
13. You sing along with elevator music.
14. Your eyes won't get much worse.
15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.
17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
19. You can't remember who sent you this list.
And you notice these are all in Big Print for your convenience.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-28-2007, 06:28 PM:
Rated G
What can an 85 yr old guy do for Christmas.
Anyway I went to my daughters. I must have been kissed 50 times.
Dam Dog!
Posted by Gordon Bachlund (Member # 124) on 01-14-2008, 01:36 PM:
Rated G....
I've often been asked, “what do you do now that you're retired?”
Well, I don't have much of a chemical background but one of the things I enjoy the most is turning beer and wine into urine. And, I'm pretty darn good at it!!
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-20-2008, 04:54 AM:
Rated G Ed in Aurora, Ont.
Bill and Sam, two elderly friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.
One day Bill didn't show up. Sam wasn't concerned; he thought Bill might have a cold or some urgent appointment. But after Bill hadn't shown up for a week or so, Sam really got worried. However, since Sam didn't know where Bill lived (the only time they ever got together was at the park) he was unable to find out what had happened to him.
After a month had passed, Sam figured he had seen the last of Bill. On his next visit to the park, however, Bill was sitting on their usual bench waiting for him.
Amazed and delighted, Sam exclaimed,'For crying out loud Bill, what in the world happened to you?'
Bill replied, 'I've been in jail.'
'Jail?' cried Sam. 'You?! What on earth for?'
'Well,' Bill said, 'You know Sue, that cute little blonde
waitress at the coffee shop where I sometimes go?'
'Yes,' said Sam, 'I remember her. What about her?'
'Well, one day she filed rape charges against me. At age 89,
I was so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded 'guilty.'
'The judge gave me 30 days for perjury.'
Posted by Gordon Bachlund (Member # 124) on 02-02-2008, 02:49 PM:
Rated G...
Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 85, are all excited about their upcoming Marriage, so one afternoon while out for a stroll and discussing the details of the wedding they pass a drug store. Jacob suggests that they talk to the man behind the counter.
"Are you the owner?"
The Pharmacist answers "yes."
Jacob: "Do you sell heart medication?"
Pharm: "Of course we do."
Jacob: "How about medication for circulation?"
Pharm: "All kinds."
Jacob: "Medicine for Rheumatism?"
Pharm: "Definitely."
Jacob: "How about Viagra?"
Pharm: "Of course."
Jacob: "Medicines for memory?"
Pharm: "Yes, a large variety."
Jacob: "What about vitamins and sleeping pills?"
Pharm: "Absolutely!"
Jacob turns to Rebecca and says, "Sweetheart, we might as well register our wedding gift list with them!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-08-2008, 07:14 AM:
Rated G
FROM THOUGHTFUL BOB
It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger.When you notice this,try not to yell at them.Some are oversensitive,and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.
My name is Bob......Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, When I took "early retirement" several years ago, it became necessary for her to get a full-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age.
I usually get home from the golf course about the same time she
gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the BR club so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home cooked grub when I hit that door...
She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now
it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours
after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her
several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.
Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact isone of my strong points.
When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest
periods. She had to take a break when she was only half finished
mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too.
I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support
her. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy.Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact andless criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other...
Signed,
Bob
[ 03-21-2008, 08:58 PM: Message edited by: Bob Maar ]
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-21-2008, 09:02 PM:
Rated G Bob in Kingston, Ont.
Growing Old
Extremely elderly gentleman, maybe in his mid-90s, walks into an upscale cocktail lounge. Seated at the other end of bar is a gorgeous blonde, young enough to be his great granddaughter.
The elderly gent walks over, sits alongside of her, orders a drink, takes a sip, turns to her and says: "So tell me, do I come here often?"
------------------------------------------------------
An elderly gent had serious hearing problems for many years. He went to the doctor and was fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed him to hear perfectly - - 100%. He went back to the doc a month later, as directed, and the doctor said:
"Your hearing is perfect! Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."
The old man replied:"Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"
------------------------------------------------------
Two elderly gents from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says:
"Slim, I'm 83 now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?"
Slim says: "I feel just like a newborn baby."
"Really? Like a newborn baby?"
"Yep. No hair, no teeth and I think I just wet my pants. "
------------------------------------------------------
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house. After eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two men were talking, and one said:
"Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly."
The other man asked: "What is the name of the restaurant?"
The first man thought and thought and finally asked back: "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know . . . the one that's red and has thorns."
"Do you mean a rose?"
"Yes, that's the one," replied the man.
He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled:
"Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"
------------------------------------------------------
Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients being discharged.One student nurse found an elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet. He insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let the student nurse wheel him to the elevator. On the way down she asked him if his wife was meeting him.
"I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown."
------------------------------------------------------
An older couple were both having problems remembering things.
During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember. Later that night, while watching tv, the old man gets up from his chair."Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?" he asks.
"Will you g et me a bowl of ice cream?"
"Sure."
"Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she asks.
"No, I can remember it."
"Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so you don't forget it?"He says: "I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."
"I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that. Write it down." she says.
Irritated, he replies:"I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream . I got it, for goodness sake!"
Then he toddles into the kitchen.
After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.
She stares at the plate for a moment and then asks:
"Where's my toast?"
----------------------------------------------------------
Three old guys are out walking.
First one says: "Windy, isn't it?"
Second one says: "No, it's Thursday!"
Third one says: "So am I. Let's go get a beer."
---------------------------------------------------------------
A man was telling his neighbor:
"I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me $4,000 but it's state of the art. It's perfect!"
"Really!" answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?"
"12:30."
----------------------------------------------------------------
Old Morris, 82, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said:
"You're really doing great, aren't you?"
Morris replied: "Just doing what you recommended, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'"
The doctor said: "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur and be careful.'"
------------------------------------------------------------
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly: "Crushed nuts?"
"No," he replied, "arthritis."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-22-2008, 12:43 PM:
Rated R Faye in Kingston, Ont.
Three old mischievous Grandmas were sitting on a
bench outside a nursing home.
About then an old Grandpa walked by, and one
of the old Grandma's yelled out saying,
'We bet we can tell exactly how old you are.'
The old man said, 'There ain't no way you can
guess it, you old fools.'
One of the old Grandmas said, 'Sure we can!
Just drop your pants and under shorts and
we can tell your exact age.'
Embarrassed just a little, but anxious to prove
they couldn't do it, he dropped his drawers.
The Grandmas asked him to first turn around
a couple of times and to jump up and down
several times. Then they all piped up and said,
'You're 87 years old!'
Standing with his pants down around his ankles,
the old gent asked, 'How in the world did you guess?'
Slapping their knees and grinning from ear to ear,
all three old ladies happily yelled in unison-------
'We were at your birthday party yesterday!'
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-03-2008, 10:20 AM:
Rated G Dave in Aurora, Ont.
And They Ask--- Why I Like Retirement????
Question: How many days in a week?
Answer: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday
Question: When is a retiree's bedtime?
Answer: Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch.
Question: How many retirees to change a light bulb?
Answer: Only one, but it might take all day.
Question: What's the biggest gripe of retirees?
Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done.
Question: Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors?
Answer: The term comes with a 10% percent discount.
Question: Among retirees what is considered formal attire?
Answer: Tied shoes.
Question: Why do retirees count pennies?
Answer: They are the only ones who have the time.
Question: What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire?
Answer: NUTS!
Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage?
Answer:They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.
Question: What do retirees call a long lunch?
Answer: Normal
Question: What is the best way to describe retirement?
Answer: The never ending Coffee Break.
Question: What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree?
Answer: If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.
Question: Why does a retiree often say he doesn't miss work, but misses the people he used to work with?
Answer: He is too polite to tell the whole truth.
Question: What do you do all week?
Answer: Monday to Friday; Nothing Saturday & Sunday I rest.
Share this one with all the retirees that you know.
I'm sure they can relate to some of them!
AND, If you have not yet retired, look what you have to look forward to.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-12-2008, 08:47 AM:
Rated G B.B.
Signs That Old Age Might Be Creeping Up On You ...
You like to be in crowds because they keep you from falling down.
Your favorite section of the newspaper is "25 Years Ago Today".
The parts that have arthritis are the parts where you feel best.
Your clothes go into the overnight bag so you can fill the suitcase with your pills.
Your knees buckle, but your belt won't.
Posted by Gordon Bachlund (Member # 124) on 06-10-2008, 03:08 PM:
Rated PG...
Do not lose your grandkids in the mall.
My grandson got away from me Sunday at the mall. He approached a uniformed policeman and said, “I've lost my grandpa!”
The cop asked, “What's he like?”
The little boy hesitated for a moment and then replied, “Crown Royal whisky and women with big tits.”
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-30-2008, 07:46 AM:
Rated PG Tony in Lyme, CT.
FLORIDA RETIREMENT COMMUNITIES
Fifteen years ago my wife and I moved into a retirement development on Florida's southeast coast.
The last time we saw our grand kids was on Grandchildren's Day when they were dragged down by their parents. We were living in the Delray/Boca/Boynton Golf, Spa, Bath and Tennis Club on Lake Fake-a-hachee.
There are 3,000 lakes in Florida , only 3 are real.
It would be great if the kids came down to visit us this winter, as there is so much going on. Back by popular demand, the feisty Hip Replacement Tappers Club will be tap dancing to the Flight of the Bumble Bee. It promises to be quite a production with lots of singing and dancing.
This year I am not in the cast but will be standing by with the defibrillator volunteers.
Our biggest retirement concern was time management. What were we going to do all day? Let me assure you, passing the time is not a problem. Your days will be eaten up by simple, daily activities. Just getting out of your car takes 15 minutes. Trying to find where you parked takes 20 minutes.
It takes 1/2 hour on the check-out line in Wal-Mart and 1 hour to return the item the next day.
Then of course, there are the visits to the doctor's and dentist's offices.
Let me take you through a typical day. We get up at 5:00 AM , have a quick breakfast and join the early morning Walk and Talk Club. There are about 30 of us and rain or shine we walk around the streets, all talking at once. Every development has some late risers who stay in bed until 6 AM . After a nimble walk, avoiding irate drivers out to make us road kill, we go back home, shower and change for the next activity.
My wife goes directly to the pool for her under water class, followed by gasping for breath and CPR.
I put on my "Ask me about my Grandchildren" T-shirt, my mid-calf shorts, my socks and sandals and go to the club house lobby for a nice nap.
Before you know it it's time for lunch. We go to Costco to partake of the many tasty samples dispensed by ladies in white hair nets. All free! After a filling lunch, if we don't have any doctor appointments, we might go to the flea market to see if any new white belts have come in or to buy a Rolex watch for $2.00.
We're usually back home by 2 PM to get ready for dinner. People start lining up for the early bird special about 3 PM , but we get there by 3:45 because we are late eaters. The dinners are very popular because of the large portions they serve. You can take home enough food for the next day's lunch and dinner, including extra bread, crackers, sweet-and-low packets and mints.
At 5:30 PM we're home ready to watch the 6 o'clock news. By 6:30 we're fast asleep. Then we get up and make 5 or 6 trips to the bathroom during the night and it's time to get up and start a new day all over again.
Doctor related activities will eat up most of your retirement time. I enjoy reading old magazines in sub-zero temperatures in the waiting room, so I don't mind. Calling for test results also help the days fly by. It takes at least half an hour just getting through the doctor's phone menu. Then there is the hold time until you are connected to the right party. Sometimes they forget you are holding, and the whole office goes to lunch. Many of the receptionists are quite rude. They keep you standing at that dopey little, closed glass window, totally ignoring you. After 1/2 hour, I ignore the "Do not tap on the window" sign and tap on the window. This always drives them nuts. If you do, they put down their Egg McMuffin or their copy of the Enquirer and fling open the window, ready for a fight.
I lie, explaining I tapped on the window accidentally because I have Parkinsons. They claim they are required to keep the window closed because of the privacy law but I don't believe it. Are they afraid if I were to overhear Sol Lipshitz has hemorrhoids, that I would blackmail him or sell the information to a foreign government?
In Florida everyone has hemorrhoids! Should one find they still have time on their hands, volunteering provides a rewarding opportunity to help the less fortunate.Florida has the largest concentration of seniors under five feet and they need our help. I myself am a volunteer for "The Vertically Challenged Over 80".� I coach their basketball team "The Arthritic Avengers".� The hoop is only 4 1/2 feet from the floor. You should see the look of confidence on their faces when they make a slam dunk.
Food shopping is a problem for short seniors or "bottom feeders" as we call them because they can't reach the items on the upper shelves. There are many foods they have never tasted. Whenever I see one of them struggling to reach a jar of gefilte fish, I rush over to lend a hand.
After shopping, most seniors can't remember where they parked their cars. They wander the parking lot for hours looking for their car while their food defrosts.
Choosing a development with suitable amenities is an important decision. The various clubs in these communities provide most of the activities. Our development has over 300 clubs.
There's something for everyone. Clubs like the Kidney Donating Club, the Taliban Club, the East Meets West Club, not to be confused with the West Meets East Club, etc.
A truly active community is one where the ambulance is there several times a day and is part of the Travel Club.
Lastly, it's important to choose a development with an impressive name. Italian names are very popular in Florida . They convey world traveler, uppity sophistication and wealth. Where would you rather live Murray's Condos or the Lakes Of Venice?
There is no difference. They are both owned by Murray who happens to be a cheap bastard! The Italian names appeal to those name-dropping, phony snow birds that are out to impress their friends up north. I once heard someone say, "we spend our summers in the Catskills, but we winter at Villa Borghese in Delray Beach ". I have been to Villa Borghese. There are 1,200 Jews and 2 Italians!
I hope this material has been of some help to you future retirees. If I can be of any further assistance, please look me up when you're in Florida .
I live in The Leaning Condos of Pisa in Boynton Beach.
Posted by Gordon Bachlund (Member # 124) on 07-01-2008, 06:17 PM:
Rated PG...
There is an 80 year old virgin who suddenly gets an itch in her crotch area. She goes to the doctor who checks her out and tells her she has crabs. She explained that she couldn't have crabs because she was a virgin, but the doctor didn't believe her, so she went to get a second opinion.
The second doctor gave her the same answer. So she went to a third doctor and said "Please help me. This itch is killing me and I know that I don't have crabs because I'm a virgin!"
The doctor checks her out and says "I have good news and bad news.
The good news is that you don't have crabs,... the bad news is that your cherry rotted and you have fruit flies!"
Posted by Gordon Bachlund (Member # 124) on 07-16-2008, 12:32 PM:
Rated R....
A six year old boy and his grandpa are sitting on the front porch
together, when gramps pulls a beer out of his cooler. The little boy asks: 'Can I have a beer Grandpa?'
Grandpa replies: 'Can your pecker touch your ass?'
The little boy answered : 'No Grandpa. It's just a little pecker'.
Gramps says: 'Well then, you're not man enough to have a beer'.
A little later Grandpa lights up a cigar. The little boy asks: 'Can I have a cigar, Grandpa?'
Once again, Grandpa asks: 'Can your pecker touch your ass?'
Once again the little boy replies, 'No, it's too little'.
Gramps replies, 'Then you're not man enough to have a cigar'.
A little later the little boy comes out of the house with milk and some cookies. Grandpa asks, 'Hey there young feller, can I have a cookie?'
The boy asks, 'Can your pecker touch your ass?'
Gramps replies, 'Hell yes, my pecker can touch my ass'.
The little boy replies, 'Then go fuck yourself. Grandma made these for me'.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 07-24-2008, 09:48 AM:
Rated G
Three men were discussing aging at the nursing home. 'Sixty is the worst age to be,' said the 60- year- old. 'You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!'
'Ah, that's nothin,'' said the 70-year-old. 'When you're seventy, you don't have a bowel movement anymore. You take laxatives, eat bran, you sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!'
'Actually,' said the 80-year-old, 'Eighty is the worst age of all.'
'Do you have trouble peeing too?'
'No, not really. I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all.'
'Do you have trouble having a bowel movement?'
'No, I have one every morning at 6:30.'
With great exasperation, the 60-year-old said, 'Let me get this straight.
You pee every morning at 6:00 and poop every morning at 6:30.
So what's so tough about being 80?'
I don't wake up until 7:00!!!!!
Posted by Gordon Bachlund (Member # 124) on 08-17-2008, 06:17 PM:
Rated G...
A SENIOR MOMENT
The irate customer calling the newspaper office loudly demanded to know where her Sunday edition was.
"Ma'am," said the employee, "today is Saturday. The Sunday paper is not delivered until Sunday."
There was quite a pause on the other end of the phone, followed by a ray of recognition.
"I'll bet that's why no one was in church today too."
Posted by Gordon Bachlund (Member # 124) on 11-11-2008, 06:23 PM:
Rated G...
A state trooper sees a car puttering along at 22 mph. He thinks to himself, 'This driver is as dangerous as a speeder!' So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five elderly ladies - two in the front seat and three in the back, wide-eyed and white as ghosts.
The driver, obviously confused, says to him, 'Officer, I don't understand. I was going the exact speed limit. What seems to be the problem?'
The trooper trying to contain a chuckle, explains to her that 22 was the route number, not the speed limit.
A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.
'But before you go, Ma'am, I have to ask, is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken.'
'Oh, they'll be all right in a minute, officer. We just got off Route 127.'
Posted by Gordon Bachlund (Member # 124) on 11-17-2008, 06:51 PM:
Rated PG...
An elderly couple was watching a Discovery Channel special about a West African bush tribe whose men all had penises 24 inches long.
When the black male reaches a certain age, a string is tied around his penis and on the other end is a weight. After a while, the weight stretches the penis to 24 inches.
Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower, his wife looked at him and said, 'How about we try the African string-and-weight procedure?'
The husband agreed and they tied a string and a weight to his penis.
A few days later, the wife asked the husband, 'How is our little tribal experiment coming along?'
'Well, it looks like we're about half way there,' he replied.
'Wow, you mean it's grown to 12 inches?'
'No, it's turned black.'
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-30-2008, 02:55 PM:
Rated PG Hank in Simi Valley
Wisdom of a Retiree Saturday, November 29, 2008 I've often been asked,'What do you old folks do now that you're retired?'
Well...I'm fortunate to have a few friends who have chemical engineering backgrounds, and one of the things we enjoy most is turning beer, wine, bourbon, and martinis into urine.And, we're pretty damn good at it, too!!
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-18-2008, 08:51 AM:
Rated G Ed in Aurora, Ont.
Drafting Guys over 60
----this is so Funny & obviously written by a Former Soldier----
New Direction for any war: Send Service Vets over 60!
I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to track down terrorists. They've got the whole thing ass-backwards. Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 35.
For starters:
Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.
Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. 'My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry' We are impatient and maybe letting us kill some asshole that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for a while.
An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10 a.m. Old guys always get up early to pee so what the hell. Besides, like I said, 'I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical asshole.
If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.
Boot camp would be easier for old guys. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.
They could lighten up on the obstacle course however. I've been in combat and didn't see a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training. I can hear the Drill Sgt. In the 'New army' now, 'Get down and give me .... er .. One.'
Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too. I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.
An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to start up a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head.
These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way.
Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten coward terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see right now is a couple of million pissed off old farts with attitudes and automatic weapons who know that their best years are already behind them. Also, we won't get in trouble for mistreating prisoners. We won't take any.
If nothing else, put us on border patrol....we will have it secured the first night!
Share this with your senior friends. It's purposely in big type so you can read it!!!!
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-28-2008, 08:41 PM:
Rated PG Ed in Aurora, Ont.
Possibly questions you/I were afraid to ask; if we could remember them.
Questions and Answers from an AARP Forum
Q: Where can men over the age of 60 find younger, sexy women who are interested in them?
A: Try a bookstore-------under fiction.
Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?
A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When you are done you will have a place to live.
Q: Someone has told me that menopause is mentioned in the Bible. Is that true? Where can it be found?
A: Yes. Matthew 14:92: 'And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Egypt.
Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your 60+ year old husband?
A: T ell him you're pregnant.
Q: How can you avoid that terrible curse of the elderly-----wrinkles?
A: Take off your glasses.
Q: Seriously! What can I do for these crow's feet and all those wrinkles on my face?
A: Go braless. It will usually pull them out.
Q: Why should 60+ year old people use valet parking?
A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.
Q: Is it common for 60+ year olds to have proble ms with short-term memory storage?
A: Storing memory is not a problem, retrieving it is a problem.
Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.
Q: Where should 60+ year olds look for eye glasses?
A: On their foreheads.
Q: What is the most common remark made by 60+ year olds when they enter antique stores?
A: 'Gosh, I remember these!'
Posted by Gordon Bachlund (Member # 124) on 01-13-2009, 05:33 PM:
Rated G...
Do I like retirement? Consider.....
Question: How many days in a week?
Answer: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday
Question: When is a retiree's bedtime?
Answer: Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch.
Question: How many retirees to change a light bulb?
Answer: Only one, but it might take all day
Question: What's the biggest gripe of retirees?
Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done.
Question: Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors?
Answer: The term comes with a 10% discount.
Question: Among retirees what is considered formal attire?
Answer: Tied shoes.
Question: Why do retirees count pennies?
Answer: They are the only ones who have the time.
Question: What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire?
Answer: NUTS!
Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage?
Answer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.
Question: What do retirees call a long lunch?
Answer: Normal
Question: What is the best way to describe retirement?
Answer: The never ending Coffee Break.
Question: What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree?
Answer: If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.
Question: Why does a retiree often say he doesn't miss work, but misses the people he used to work with?
Answer: He is too polite to tell the whole truth.
And, my very favorite....
Question: What do you do all week?
Answer: Monday through Friday, NOTHING. On Saturday and Sunday, I rest.
Posted by Gordon Bachlund (Member # 124) on 01-22-2009, 01:34 PM:
Rated G....
A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home. On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.
While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?'
The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house. I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.'
The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand; put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?'
'Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.
On the way he said 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time.'
The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, 'I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?'
The farmer said, 'Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?'
The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens.'
Posted by Gordon Bachlund (Member # 124) on 01-25-2009, 01:42 PM:
Rated G....
While on a road trip, an elderly couple, from Gingerwoods Place Retirement Center, stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant, and resumed their trip.
When leaving, the elderly woman, unknowingly left her glasses on the table, and she didn't miss them until they had been driving about forty minutes. By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses.
All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy old man. He fussed and complained, and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive. The more he chided her, the more agitated he became. He just wouldn't let up one minute. To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant.
As the woman got out of the car, and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her, 'While you're in there, you might as well get my hat and the credit card.'
Posted by Gordon Bachlund (Member # 124) on 02-08-2009, 07:40 PM:
Rated G...
A group of Americans were traveling by tour bus through Holland. As they stopped at a cheese farm, the young guide led them through the process of cheese making, explaining that goats’ milk was used. She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing.
"These," she explained, "are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce. "She then asked, "What do you do in America with your old goats?"
A spry old gentleman answered, "They send us on bus tours."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-05-2009, 10:03 AM:
Rated G Jokester
OLD FRIENDS
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me ... I know we've been friends for a long time ...but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is."
Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"
Posted by Gordon Bachlund (Member # 124) on 11-06-2009, 04:17 PM:
Rated G...
I got this new deodorant today. The instructions said remove cap and push up bottom.
I can barely walk, but whenever I fart the room smells awesome.
Posted by System Notices (Member # 2357) on 02-09-2011, 10:47 AM:
It has been 459 days since the last post.
Posted by Gordon Bachlund (Member # 124) on 02-09-2011, 10:47 AM:
Rated G...
A lawyer and a senior citizen are sitting next to each other on a long flight. The lawyer is thinking that seniors are so dumb that he could put one over on them easily So, the lawyer asks if the senior would like to play a fun game.
The senior is tired and just wants to take nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists, saying that the game is a lot of fun...."I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5.00. Then you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00," he says.
This catches the senior's attention and, to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game. The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the Earth to the Moon?"
The senior doesn't say a word, but reaches into his pocket, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.
Now it's the senior's turn. He asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"
The lawyer uses his laptop to search all references he can find on the Net. He sends E-mails to all the smart friends he knows; all to no avail. After an hour of searching, he finally gives up. He wakes the senior and hands him $500.00. The senior pockets the $500.00 and goes right back to sleep.
The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the senior up and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"
The senior reaches into his pocket, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.
Posted by John Wilson (Member # 269) on 02-12-2011, 05:32 PM:
See? Now THAT'S a joke! ![[beer]](graemlins/beer.gif)
![[Cool]](cool.gif)
Posted by Gordon Bachlund (Member # 124) on 09-20-2011, 03:39 PM:
Rated G....
An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.
The man replies, "I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."
The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"
The man replies, "That would be my wife."
Posted by Gordon Bachlund (Member # 124) on 09-21-2011, 12:38 PM:
Rated PG...
An Old man goes into a drug store to buy some Viagra.
“Can I have 6 tablets, cut into quarters?”
“I can cut them for you,” says the Pharmacist, “but a quarter tablet will not give you a full erection.”
“I am 96 years old,” says the old man. “I don’t want a full erection. I just want it sticking out far enough so I don’t piss on my slippers”
Posted by Gordon Bachlund (Member # 124) on 09-30-2011, 08:58 PM:
Rated PG...
An elderly couple was watching a program on the Discovery Channel about an African tribe whose men all had penises 24 inches long. When the black male reaches a certain age, a string is tied around his penis and on the other end is a weight. After a while, the weight stretches the penis to 24 inches.
Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower, his wife looked at him and said, "How about we try the African string-and-weight procedure?"
The husband agreed and they tied a string and a weight to his penis.
A few days later, the wife asked the husband, "How is our little tribal experiment coming along?"
"It looks like we're about half way there," he replied.
"Wow, you mean it's grown to 12 inches?"
"No, it's turned black."
Posted by Gordon Bachlund (Member # 124) on 12-26-2011, 12:50 PM:
Rated PG....
The old man in his mid-eighties struggles to get up from the couch then starts putting on his coat. His wife, seeing the unexpected behavior, asks, "Where are you going?"
He replies, "I 'm going to the doctor."
She says, "Why, are you sick?"
He says, "Nope, I'm going to get me some of that Viagra stuff."
Immediately the wife starts working and positioning her self to get out of her rocker and begins to put on her coat.
He says, "Where the hell are you going"?
She answers, "I'm going to the doctor, too."
He says, "Why, what do you need?"
She says, "If you're going to start using that rusty old thing, I'm getting a tetanus shot."
Posted by Ian Parfrey (Member # 5122) on 04-01-2012, 02:16 AM:
Rated M
After landing my new job as a Myers greeter - a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day ......
About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
As I had been instructed, I said, pleasantly, "Good morning and welcome to our store."
I then said, "Nice children you have there. Are they twins?"
The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "Don't be fucking stupid of course they aren't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?"
I replied, "I'm neither blind nor stupid, Madam. I just couldn't believe someone shagged you twice.... Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Myers.
Posted by Gordon Bachlund (Member # 124) on 04-05-2012, 11:42 AM:
Rated PG...
An elderly lady was invited to an old friend’s home for dinner one evening. She was impressed by the way her lady friend preceded every request to her husband with endearing terms such as Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, etc. The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love.
While the husband was in the living room, her lady friend leaned over to her hostess to say, 'I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your husband all those loving names'.
The elderly lady hung her head. 'I have to tell you the truth,' she said, 'his name slipped my mind about 10 years ago, and I'm scared to death to ask the cranky old asshole what his name is.'
Posted by Gordon Bachlund (Member # 124) on 05-28-2012, 11:58 AM:
Rated PG...
A 70 year old wife was feeling puny and went to see her family doctor. After an extended examination, her doctor told her she was pregnant.
She said, "You must be out of your mind. I'm 70 years old."
Her Doctor replied, "I know. But I have run every test and rechecked, and you are definitely pregnant."
So at the first opportunity the wife called her husband and said, "You old buzzard, you got me pregnant."
Her elderly husband answered, "Who is this, anyway?"
Posted by Gordon Bachlund (Member # 124) on 09-25-2012, 08:44 PM:
Rated G...
A rather elderly gentleman (mid-eighties) walks into an upscale cocktail lounge. He is very well-dressed, smelling slightly of an expensive after-shave, hair well-groomed, great-looking suit, flower in his lapel. He presents a suave, well-looked-after image.
Seated at the bar is an elderly fine-looking lady (mid-seventies).
The gentleman walks over, sits along-side of her, orders a drink, takes a sip, turns to her and says, "So tell me, good looking, do I come here often?"
Posted by Gordon Bachlund (Member # 124) on 11-17-2012, 03:13 PM:
Rated PG...
A man and a woman and their three sons lived on a farm out in the country. Early one morning, the woman awoke, and while looking out of the window on to the pasture, she saw that the family's only cow was lying dead in the field. The situation looked hopeless to her---how could she possibly continue to feed her family now? In a depressed state of mind, she hung herself.
When her husband awoke to find his wife dead, as well as the cow, he too began to see the hopelessness of the situation, and he shot himself in the head.
Next, the oldest son awoke to discover his parents dead (and the cow!); he decided to go down to the river and drown himself. When he got to the river, he discovered a mermaid sitting on the bank who said, "I've seen all and know the reason for your despair. But if you will have sex with me five times in a row, I will restore your parents and the cow to you." The son agreed to try, but after four times, he was simply unable to satisfy her again, so the mermaid drowned him in the river.
Next, the middle son awoke. After discovering what had happened, he, too, decided to throw himself into the river. The mermaid said to him, "If you will have sex with me ten times in a row, I will make everything right." And while the son tried his best (seven times!), it was not enough to satisfy the mermaid, so she drowned him in the river as well.
Finally, the youngest son awoke and saw his parents dead, the dead cow in the field, and his brothers gone. He decided that life was a hopeless prospect, and he went down to the river to throw himself in. And there he also met the mermaid. "I have seen all that has happened, and I can make everything right if you will only have sex with me fifteen times in a row."
The young son replied, "Is that all? Why not twenty times in a row?"
The mermaid was somewhat taken aback by this request. Then he said, "Hell, why not twenty-five times in a row?" And even as she was reluctantly agreeing to his request, he said, "Why not THIRTY times in a row?"
Finally, she said, "Enough!! Okay, if you will have sex with me thirty times in a row, then I will bring everybody back to perfect health."
Then the young son asked, "Wait! How do I know that thirty times in a row won't kill you like it did the cow?"
Posted by Gordon Bachlund (Member # 124) on 12-20-2012, 03:59 PM:
Rated PG...
The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just married for the fourth time. The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation.
"He's a funeral director," she answered.
"Interesting," the newsman thought. He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living.
She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her 20s, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40s, and a preacher when in her 60s, and now - in her 80's - a funeral director.
The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.
She smiled and explained, "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."
Posted by Gordon Bachlund (Member # 124) on 01-08-2013, 03:55 PM:
Rated G...
Eddie and Don, two old friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.
One day Eddie didn't show up. Don didn't But after Eddie hadn't shown up for a week or so, Don really got worried. However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Don didn't know where Eddie lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.
A month had passed, and Don figured he had seen the last of Eddie, but one day, Don approached the park and, lo and behold, there sat Eddie! Don was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then he said, "For crying out loud Eddie, what in the world happened to you?"
Eddie replied, "I have been in jail."
"Jail?" cried Don. "What in the world for?"
"Well," Eddie said, "you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometimes go?"
"Yeah," said Don, "I remember her. What about her?"
"Well, one day she filed rape charges against me; and, at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pled guilty and the damn judge gave me 30 days for perjury!"
Posted by Gordon Bachlund (Member # 124) on 04-10-2013, 10:49 AM:
Rated PG...
An old man struggles to get up from the couch then starts putting on his coat. His wife, seeing the unexpected behavior, asks,"Where are you going?"
He replies, "I am going to the doctor."
She says, "Why, are you sick?"
He says, "Nope, I'm going to get me some of that Viagra stuff."
Immediately the wife starts working and positioning herself to get out her rocker and begins to put on her coat.
He says, "Where the heck are you going?"
She answers, "Im going to the doctor too."
He asks, "Why, what do you need?"
She answers, "If you are going to start using that rusty old thing, I am getting a Tetanus shot!"
Posted by Gordon Bachlund (Member # 124) on 06-13-2013, 04:53 PM:
Rated G...
An elderly couple had just learned how to send text messages on their cell phones. The wife was a romantic type and the husband was more of a no-nonsense guy.
One afternoon the wife went out to meet a friend for coffee. She decided to send her husband a romantic text message and she wrote:
"If you are sleeping, send me your dreams.
If you are laughing, send me your smile.
If you are eating, send me a bite.
If you are drinking, send me a sip.
If you are crying, send me your tears.
I love you."
The husband sent this text back to her:
"I'm on the toilet. Please advise."
Posted by Gordon Bachlund (Member # 124) on 06-27-2013, 05:17 PM:
Rated G...
An old woman was asked, "At your ripe age, what would you prefer to get, Parkinsons or Alzheimers?"
The wise one answered, "Definitely Parkinsons - Better to spill half my wine than to forget where I keep the bottle."
Posted by System Notices (Member # 2357) on 10-18-2014, 01:34 PM:
It has been 477 days since the last post.
Posted by Gordon Bachlund (Member # 124) on 10-18-2014, 01:34 PM:
Rated G...
A guy is 72 years old and loves to fish. He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, "Pick me up."
He looked around and couldn't see any one. He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, "Pick me up."
He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.
The man said, "Are you talking to me?"
The frog said, "Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up, then kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because I will be your bride!"
The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front breast pocket.
Then the frog said, "What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride."
He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, "Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog."
Posted by Gordon Bachlund (Member # 124) on 12-10-2014, 05:49 PM:
Rated PG...
A group of softball players, all in their 40s, discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Hooters because the waitresses were young, good looking, had big breasts and wore short-shorts.
Ten years later, at age 50, the softball buddies once again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Hooters because the food and service was good, they had many televisions to watch the games on, and the beer selection was excellent.
Ten years later, at age 60, the team again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Hooters because there was plenty of parking, they could dine in peace, and it was good value for the money.
Ten years later, at age 70, they discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Hooters because the restaurant was wheelchair accessible and had a toilet for the disabled.
Ten years later, at age 80, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Hooters because they had never been there before.
Posted by Gordon Bachlund (Member # 124) on 01-22-2015, 11:35 AM:
Rated PG...
An old man in his mid-seventies struggles to get up from the couch then starts putting on his coat.
His wife, seeing the unexpected behavior, asks, "Where are you going?"
He replies, "I'm going to the doctor."
She says, "Why, are you sick?"
He says, "Nope, I'm going to get me some of that Viagra stuff."
Immediately the wife starts working and positioning herself to get out of her rocker and begins to put on her coat.
He says, "Where the heck are you going?"
She answers, "I'm going to the doctor, too."
He says, "Why, what do you need?"
She says, "If you're going to start using that rusty old thing, I'm getting a Tetanus shot."
Posted by Gordon Bachlund (Member # 124) on 01-25-2015, 06:59 PM:
Rated PG...
Larry and Bob, two friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.
One day Larry didn't show up. Bob didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something.. But after Larry hadn't shown up for a week or so, Bob really got worried. However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Bob didn't know where Larry lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.
A month had passed, and Bob figured he had seen the last of Larry, but one day, Bob approached the park and -- lo and behold -- there sat Larry! Bob was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then he said, ‘For crying out loud Larry, what in the world happened to you?
Larry replied, 'I have been in jail.'
'Jail!' cried Bob. What in the world for?'
'Well,' Larry said, 'you know Jane, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometimes go?'
'Yeah,' said Bob, 'I remember her. What about her?'
'Well, one day she filed rape charges against me; and, at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded 'guilty. The damn judge gave me 30 days for perjury.'
Posted by Gordon Bachlund (Member # 124) on 06-09-2015, 01:32 PM:
Rated G...
An older couple had just learned how to send text messages on their mobile phones. The wife was a romantic type and the husband was more of a no-nonsense guy.
One afternoon, the wife went out to meet a friend for coffee. She decided to send her husband a romantic text message, and she wrote:
"If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you."
The husband texted back to her: "I'm on the toilet.....Please advise."
Posted by Gordon Bachlund (Member # 124) on 09-07-2015, 02:10 PM:
Rated G...
A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a check-up, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
'Sure.'
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
'No, I can remember it.'
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?'
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.
'Where's my toast?'
Posted by Gordon Bachlund (Member # 124) on 04-22-2016, 01:13 PM:
Rated G....
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.'
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What's the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know the one that's red and has thorns.'
'Do you mean a rose?'
'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'
Posted by Gordon Bachlund (Member # 124) on 05-21-2016, 12:44 PM:
Rated PG....
On the opening day at the new seniors complex, the manager addressed all the new seniors pointing out some of the rules: "The female sleeping quarters will be out-of-bounds for all males, and the male quarters to the females. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time."
He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?"
An older gentleman stood up in the crowd and inquired: "How much for a season pass?"
Posted by Gordon Bachlund (Member # 124) on 01-11-2017, 12:14 PM:
Rated G......
An elderly, but hardy cattleman from Texas once told a young female neighbor that if she wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder on her oatmeal each morning.
She did this religiously and lived to the age of 103. She left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 21 great-grandchildren, five great-great-grandchildren and a 40 foot hole where the crematorium used to be.
Posted by Gordon Bachlund (Member # 124) on 01-13-2017, 11:26 AM:
Rated G.....
The old man placed an order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink.
He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife.
He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.
He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them . As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering.
Obviously they were thinking, 'That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.'
As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything
People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.
Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said 'No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.'
Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked 'What is it you are waiting for?'
She smiled answered, 'The teeth.'
Posted by Gordon Bachlund (Member # 124) on 02-09-2017, 02:09 PM:
Rated PG.....
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"
Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc. Get a hot mamma and be cheerful."
The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur, be careful.'"
Posted by Gordon Bachlund (Member # 124) on 05-24-2017, 12:26 PM:
Rated G.......
Two very active seniors (Jacob, age 92, and Rose, age 89), living in‘The Villages,’ are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore. It's open, so Jacob suggests they go in. Jacob addresses the man behind the counter:
Jacob: "Are you the owner?"
The pharmacist answers, "Yes."
Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"
Pharmacist: "Of course we do."
Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"
Pharmacist: "All kinds."
Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism?"
Pharmacist: "Definitely."
Jacob: "How about suppositories and medicine for impotence?"
Pharmacist: "You bet!"
Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis and Alzheimer's?"
Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."
Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"
Pharmacist: "Absolutely."
Jacob: "Everything for heartburn and indigestion?"
Pharmacist: "We sure do."
Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?"
Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."
Jacob: "Adult diapers?"
Pharmacist: "Sure, how can I help you?
Jacob: "We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry."
Posted by Gordon Bachlund (Member # 124) on 08-07-2017, 12:34 PM:
Rated G.......
While golfing, a senior gentleman accidentally overturned his golf cart late one afternoon. A very attractive young female golfer, who lives in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out, "Are you OK?"
"I'm OK, thanks," he replied, as he pulled himself out of the twisted cart.
She said, "Come up to my villa, rest a while, and I'll help you get the cart up later."
The old guy noticed her silky bathrobe was partially open, revealing what appeared to be a very nice figure. "That's mighty nice of you," he answered, "but I don't think my wife would like it."
"Oh, come on now!" she insisted.
She was so pretty, and very, very persuasive. He was weak.
"Well, OK," he finally agreed.
After a couple of Scotch and sodas, he thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better now. But I know my wife is going to be really upset. So I'd better go now."
"Don't be silly!" she said with a smile, letting her robe fall slightly more open. "Stay for a while. Your wife won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"
He replied, "Still under the cart, I suppose."
Posted by Gordon Bachlund (Member # 124) on 08-22-2017, 12:39 PM:
Rated PG....
Two guys grow up together, but after college one moves to Michigan , the other to Florida . They agree to meet every ten years in Vero Beach and play golf.
At age 30, they finish their round of golf and go to lunch.
"Where you wanna go?"
"Hooters."
"Why?"
"Well, you know, they got the broads, with the big racks, and the tight shorts, and the legs "
Ten years later at age 40 they play.
"Where you wanna go?"
"Hooters.
"Why?"
"Well, you know, they got cold beer and the big screen TVs and everybody has a little action on the games."
Ten years later at age 50 they play a round of golf.
"Where you wanna go?"
"Hooters."
"Why?"
"The food is pretty good and there is plenty of parking."
At age 60 they play a round of golf.
"Where you wanna go?"
"Hooters."
"Why?"
"Wings are half price."
At age 70 they play a round of golf.
"Where you wanna go?"
"Hooters."
"Why?"
"They have 6 handicapped spaces right by the door.."
At age 80 they play a round of golf.
"Where you wanna go?"
"Hooters."
"Why?"
"We've never been there before."
Posted by Gordon Bachlund (Member # 124) on 08-28-2017, 12:36 PM:
Rated G......
This month, I took a careful look at my wife one day, and said, "Fifty-five years ago we had a cheap house, a junk car, slept on a sofa-bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV. But hey I got to sleep every night with a hot 23-year-old girl.
Now, ... I have a $750,000.00 home, a $45,000.00 car, a nice big bed and a large screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 77-year-old woman. So I said to my wife "it seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things."
My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out, find myself a hot 23-year-old girl, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap house, driving a junk car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black-and-white TV.
These old gals really know how to solve a guy's problems!
Posted by Gordon Bachlund (Member # 124) on 09-11-2017, 01:04 PM:
Rated PG.....
A doctor that had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most of her life finally retired. At her next checkup, the new doctor told her to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her. As the doctor was looking through these his eyes grew wide as he realized Grandma had a prescription for birth control pills.
"Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are birth control pills?"
"Yes, they help me sleep at night."
"Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely nothing in these that could possibly help you sleep!"
She reached out and patted the young doctor's knee and said, "Yes, dear, I know that. But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16-year-old Granddaughter drinks. And believe me it definitely helps me sleep at night." You gotta love Grandmas!
Posted by Gordon Bachlund (Member # 124) on 12-17-2017, 12:21 PM:
Rated PG....
Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on a park bench one morning.
The 87-year-old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath.
The 80-year-old was amazed at the guy's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.
The 87-year-old said, "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."
So, on the way home the 80-year-old stopped at the bakery.
As he was looking around, the saleslady asked if he needed any help.
He said, "Do you have any rye bread?"
She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"
He said, "I want 5 loaves."
She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves! By the time you get to the 3rd loaf, it'll be hard."
He replied, "I can't believe everybody knows about this but me."
Posted by David Buckley (Member # 2600) on 12-17-2017, 08:45 PM:
Rated PG...
A professor of mathematics sent this note to his wife...
"My dearest wife, you must realize that you are 54 years old and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year-old teaching assistant. I'll be home before midnight."
When he arrived at the hotel, there was a fax waiting for him that read as follows:
"Dear husband. You too are 54 years old, and by the time you receive this, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18-year-old pool boy. Being the brilliant mathematician that you are, you can easily appreciate the fact that 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Don't wait up."
Posted by Gordon Bachlund (Member # 124) on 12-23-2017, 01:07 PM:
Rated G.....
A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy,'So I hear you're getting married?'
'Yep!'
'Do I know her?'
'Nope!'
'This woman, is she good looking?'
'Not really.'
'Is she a good cook?'
'Naw, she can't cook too well.'
'Does she have lots of money?'
'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'
'Well, then, is she good in bed?'
'I don't know.'
'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'
'Because she can still drive!'
Posted by Gordon Bachlund (Member # 124) on 01-31-2018, 12:41 PM:
Rated PG......
This is a story of self-control and marksmanship by a brave, cool-headed elderly woman with a small pistol against a fierce predator.
What's the smallest caliber that you would trust to protect yourself?
Here's her story in her own words:
“While out walking along the edge of a pond just outside my house in ‘The Villages’ with my soon to be ex-husband, discussing property settlement and other divorce issues, we were surprised by a huge 12-ft. alligator which suddenly emerged from the murky water and began charging us with her large jaws wide open. She must have been protecting her nest because she was extremely aggressive.
“If I had not had my little Beretta .25 caliber pistol with me, I would not be here today!
“Just one shot to my estranged husband's knee cap was all it took. The gator got him easily, and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace. The amount I saved in lawyer's fees was really incredible, and his life insurance was a real big bonus!”
Posted by Gordon Bachlund (Member # 124) on 04-23-2018, 08:10 PM:
Rated PG...
Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old man. "You always feel like you have to pee, and most of the time you stand there and nothing comes out."
"Ah, that's nothin'," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you don't have bowel movements any more. You take laxatives, eat bran, sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!"
"Actually," said the 80-year -old, "Eighty is the worst age of all."
"Do you have trouble peeing, too?" asked the 60-year old.
"No, I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock -- no problem at all."
"So, do you have a problem with your bowel movement?"
"No, I have one every morning at 6:30."
Exasperated, the 60-year-old said, "You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30. So what's so bad about being 80?"
"I don't wake up until 7:00."
Posted by Gordon Bachlund (Member # 124) on 06-21-2018, 01:29 PM:
Rated G....
The frequency of sexual activity of senior males apparently depends on where they were born.
Statistics just released from the United Nations Board of Health Teams reveal that North American men between 60 and 80 years of age, will, on average, have sex two to three times per week, whereas Japanese men, in the same age group, will have sex only once or twice per year if they are lucky.
This has come as very upsetting news to most of my buddies at the golf club, as none of us had any idea that we were Japanese.
Posted by Gordon Bachlund (Member # 124) on 10-02-2018, 01:02 PM:
Rated G.....
During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, "How do you determine whether or not an older person should be put in a Nursing Home?"
"Well," he said, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup, and a bucket to the person to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No," he said. "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"
Posted by Gordon Bachlund (Member # 124) on 10-05-2018, 01:59 PM:
Rated PG....
Defense Attorney: Will you please state your age?
Little Old Lady: I am 86 years old.
Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?
Little Old Lady: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.
Defense Attorney: Did you know him?
Little Old Lady: No, but he sure was friendly.
Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down?
Little Old Lady: He started to rub my thigh.
Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?
Little Old Lady: No, I didn’t stop him.
Little Old Lady: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago.
Defense Attorney: What happened next?
Little Old Lady: He began to rub my breasts.
Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?
Little Old Lady: No, I did not stop him.
Defense Attorney: Why not?
Little Old Lady: His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven’t felt that good in years!
Defense Attorney: What happened next?
Little Old Lady: Well, by then, I was feeling so “spicy” that I just laid down and told him “Take me, young man. Take me now!”
Defense Attorney: Did he take you?
Little Old Lady: Hell, no! He just yelled, “April Fool”!!
And that’s when I shot him, the little bastard.
Posted by Gordon Bachlund (Member # 124) on 01-23-2019, 01:21 PM:
Rated G....
An elderly gentleman walks into an upscale cocktail lounge. He is in his mid-80s, very well-dressed, hair well-groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel and smelling slightly of an expensive after shave. He presents a very nice image.
Seated at the bar is a classy looking lady in her mid-70s.
The sharp old gentleman walks over and sits alongside her. He orders a drink and takes a sip. He slowly turns to the lady and says, "So, tell me, do I come here often?"
Posted by Gordon Bachlund (Member # 124) on 02-09-2019, 01:24 PM:
Rated G....
A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office.
"Is it true," she wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?"
"'Yes, I'm afraid so,"' the doctor told her.
There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied,
"I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS'.."
Posted by Gordon Bachlund (Member # 124) on 04-30-2019, 01:21 PM:
Rated G...
An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.
As he was about to get the anesthesia, he asked to speak to his son.
"Yes, Dad , what is it?"
"Don't be nervous, son, do your best, and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me, your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife...."
Posted by Gordon Bachlund (Member # 124) on 05-16-2019, 01:39 PM:
Rated G.....
Two guys, one old, one young, are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart when they collide. The old guy says to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."
The young guy says, "That's OK, it's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too... I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."
The old guy says, "Well, maybe I can help you find her...what does she look like?"
The young guy says, "Well, she is 27 years old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, is buxom...wearing no bra, long legs, and is wearing short shorts. What does your wife look like?"
To which the old guy says, "Doesn’t matter, --- let's look for yours."
Posted by Gordon Bachlund (Member # 124) on 08-21-2019, 03:14 PM:
Rated G......
An older woman gets pulled over for speeding…
Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Traffic Cop: Yes ma'am, I'm afraid you were speeding.
Older Woman: Oh, I see.
Traffic Cop: Can I see your license please?
Older Woman: Well, I would give it to you but I don't have one.
Traffic Cop: Don't have one?
Older Woman: No. I lost it four years ago for drunk driving.
Traffic Cop: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Older Woman: I can't do that.
Traffic Cop: Why not?
Older Woman: I stole this car.
Traffic Cop: Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Traffic Cop: You what!?
Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.
The traffic cop looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car while calling for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the older women's car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half-drawn gun.
Senior Officer: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!
Older Woman: (steps out of her vehicle) Is there a problem sir?
Senior Officer: My colleague here tells me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Older Woman: Murdered the owner? Are you serious?!
Senior Officer: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please. (The woman opens the trunk, it is empty.) Is this your car, ma'am?
Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
Senior Officer: My colleague claims that you do not have a driver's license.
The woman digs into her handbag, pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer examines the license.
Thank you ma'am, but I am puzzled, as I was told by my officer here that you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner!
Older Woman: Bet the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too.
Posted by Gordon Bachlund (Member # 124) on 12-25-2019, 02:30 PM:
Rated PG......
I was telling a woman in the Club about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her breasts.
"Really" she said, "Go on then... give it a try."
After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born?"
I said, "Yesterday."
Cost me a kick in the groin but...when you're over seventy...who cares?