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Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-08-2002, 10:48 AM:
Rated G 
A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. "But officer." the man began, "I can explain".
"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back..." "But officer, I just wanted to say...."
"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"
A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief is at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."
"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom." 
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-08-2002, 11:30 AM:
Rated PG 
A State Trooper responds to an accident and upon reaching the scene he find a woman has been throw out of the wrecked vehicle.
Upon further investigation, he realizes that he knows the naked woman. He feels sorry for her and takes of his hat and puts it over her pelvic area to protect her dignity.
He then continues with his investigation.
After awhile, he notices that one of the EMT's keeps lifting up the hat and looking under it.
The Trooper walks over to the EMT and asks him what he is doing.
The EMT scratches his head and says "Trooper, that is the first time I have ever looked under one of the hats and not seen a prick." 
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-08-2002, 11:34 AM:
Rated PG 
A trooper stops a car and he tells the driver he stopped him for speeding.
The irate driver says "You're nuts, I wasn't speeding!"
The driver's wife says "Oh you old fool you are always driving too fast!".
The driver yells at his wife "shut up, old lady".
The trooper is taken aback by the exchange but tells the driver he also is in violation the seat belt law.
The driver once again complains that he was wearing his seatbelt.
The wife states "You never wear your seatbelt"
Driver "I am going to smack you if you dont shut up".
Not wanting a fight the trooper asked the wife "Does he always talk to you that way?"
ONLY WHEN HE'S DRUNK, the wife states.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-09-2002, 06:25 AM:
Rated G
A state trooper stopped a woman on the interstate for speeding.
As he approached her car, she rolled down her window and said, "Sir, I know what you're going to do."
The trooper asked, "You do? Why don't you tell me?"
She replied "You're going to sell me tickets to that State Patrolman's Ball, aren't you?"
The trooper looked at her, puzzled, and said "Ma'am, State Troopers don't HAVE balls!"
She smiled as the trooper's face turned red. He then returned to his vehicle and left...quickly!.......
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-10-2002, 04:28 PM:
Rated G
A police officer pulls over this guy who's been weaving in and out of the lanes. He goes up to the guy's window and says, "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube."
The man says, "Sorry, officer, I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that, I'll have a really bad asthma attack."
"Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample."
"I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to death."
"Well, then, we need a urine sample." "I'm sorry, officer, I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that, I'll get really low blood sugar."
"All right, then I need you to come out here and walk this white line."
"I can't do that, officer." "Why not?"
"Because I'm drunk"!.......
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-11-2002, 01:49 PM:
Rated G Two police paramedics jump into the surf to rescue a couple whose boat has foundered in rough seas.
After an exhausting swim to the boat, the medics fit the woman into a life vest.
All during the rescue she keeps yelling that her husband is a lawyer and he is going to sue the pants off the company that rented them the boat.
The cops instruct the husband to stay in the boat while they swim to shore with his wife.
As the cops turn around to swim back out to rescue the man they see him coming toward the shore, standing upright, riding on the backs of two huge sharks! A
s he hops off the shark's onto the beach, the husband shrugs his shoulders in response to the astonished looks on the cop's faces.
He gestured back to the sharks and said, "Professional Courtesy".
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-11-2002, 01:57 PM:
Rated G Did ya hear about the two wannabe police dogs named Timex and Rolex?
Well...they were really WATCHDOGS!
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-11-2002, 02:02 PM:
Rated G The policeman's wife came home from work and found a note from her husband.
"Your doctor called and said your Pabst Beer came back alright...whatever that means."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-12-2002, 06:48 AM:
Rated G St Peter is standing at Heaven's gate when a man walks up.
"Welcome to heaven my son. What did you do with your life?"
"I was a policeman," he responded.
"What kind of policeman?" St Peter asked.
"I was a vice officer. I kept dangerous narcotics out of the hands of kids."
"Wonderful my son, welcome to heaven. Pass through the gates."
A few moments later a second man walks up.
"Welcome to heaven my son. What did you do with your life?"
"I was a policeman," he responded.
"What kind of policeman?" St Peter asked.
"I was a traffic officer. I kept the roads and highways safe for travellers."
"Well done. Pass through the gates into paradise."
A few moments later a third man walks up.
"Welcome to heaven my son. What did you do with your life?"
"I was a policeman," he responded.
"What kind of policeman?" St Peter asked.
"I was an Air Force Security Policeman, sir."
"Excellent my son... I've gotta take a pee, watch the gate, will ya?"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-17-2002, 07:51 AM:
Rated G Juggler, driving to his next performance, was stopped by the police. "What are those knives doing in your car?" asked the officer.
"I juggle them in my act."
"Oh yeah?" says the cop. "Let's see you do it." So the juggler starts tossing and juggling the knives.
A guy driving by sees this and says, "Wow, am I glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they're making you do now!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-17-2002, 10:06 PM:
Rated PG
A cop is walking in an alley and sees a man on the ground with a prostitute.
He points his flashlight and yells to the guy -
"Step away from the hooker and put your hands on your head!..........
NOT THAT HEAD!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-23-2002, 10:32 AM:
Rated G Arkansas State trooper pulls over a pickup truck on I-40. He says to the driver, "Got any ID?"
The driver says, "Bout what?"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-25-2002, 07:41 PM:
Rated PG This is a real story.Things Go Better with Coke!.......
Maybe it is not strange, but it is true.
I stopped at the local "storefront" station to take a break. A less than model citizen walks in the front door and hands me a small baggie of cocaine.
He then tells me, "I just bought this cocaine down the street and I want you to arrest the man that sold it to me!"
HELLOOO! Anyone home?!?!
Ends up he was a local drug dealer tryin to "legally" get rid of the new competition which sprung up.
We got rid of him for a while.......
Charlie Vazquez, Houston Police Department
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-26-2002, 11:03 AM:
Three Times and Out. . .!I was working one of our "fast" four lane highways one evening when I clocked a vehicle travelling approx. 25 miles over the posted limit.
Once I got the car stopped, I noticed a nervous driver along with his very pregnant wife and he stated he was headed to the hospital as his wife's water had broke.
I naturally let them go so as to not have to deliver a baby in my cruiser.
About 15 minutes later, I stopped another vehicle travelling about the same speed as the previous violator.
A nervous driver and his female passenger, both in their late 40's advised, that their daughter's water just broke and they were headed to the hospital so as not to miss the birth of their grandchild.
Needless to say, I got off that highway before the paternal grandparents had to be stopped
Dave Shed, Oklahoma Highway Patrol
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-26-2002, 11:14 AM:
Rated G Another Stinkin' Lawyer!.......
While working general duty one day a call went out for a traffic member to respond to an MVA with injuries.
As I was in that general area and could respond quicker I attended the location. On arrival I noted a 4x4 Jimmy had failed to negotiate a sharp turn and had driven into a residents rock garden. To make matters worse the vehicle was wedged up against a tree and the driver coudn't get out.
A bystander advised me the driver was having difficulty breathing so I managed to bend the tree and get the door open.
When I opened the door I noted two things, a case of beer on the floor of the passengers side, and a horrible aroma.
Ambulance attendants and the traffic member arrived on scene, and I explained to the traffic member there was a possibility the driver was impaired.
Much to our dismay we managed to get the driver out of the vehicle. The driver turned out to be a high priced lawyer in a 3 piece suit.
The funny part about the whole thing was the accident. He left Work early because he wasn't feeling well.
Before going home he stopped and had a beer with the boys. As he was driving home I guess the flu was getting the better of him. He tried to pass gas as he was negotiating this turn and instead passed a whole lot more!
He was caught by surprise and lost control of the vehicle.
We laughed for days over that one. Not too often you see a lawyer in a predicament like that! He was not impaired thankfully cause he wasn't getting in the back of my pc! .......A.L. Lambie, RCMP
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-26-2002, 10:17 PM:
Rated G Things Go Better with Coke!.......
Maybe it is not strange, but it is true.
I stopped at the local "storefront" station to take a break.
A less than model citizen walks in the front door and hands me a small baggie of cocaine. He then tells me, "I just bought this cocaine down the street and I want you to arrest the man that sold it to me!"
HELLOOO! Anyone home?!?!
Ends up he was a local drug dealer tryin to "legally" get rid of the new competition which sprung up.
We got rid of him for a while.......
Charlie Vazquez, Houston Police Department
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-27-2002, 11:25 AM:
Rated G Talk About Deaf and Dumb!
When I arrived to work that night we were briefed on a lady getting her car stolen from her residence while she was home.
This was unusual because she had an alarm system on her car and she never even heard it go off.
Later that night I was parked at a local business talking with another officer when we heard a siren coming toward us. We figured it was an ambulance or something, but it keep getting louder and we never saw any lights.
All of a sudden this car went by us with the siren going off on it.
It was the same car that had been reported stolen earlier that day.
After a short chase we learned that the driver of the car was deaf and didn't know the alarm was going off.
He quickly learned that he needed to find a new line of work. .......
Submitted by...Brent Clark, New Tazewell Police Dept
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-28-2002, 06:40 AM:
Rated G ADVICE TO DUMB CRIMINALS(based on what other dumb criminals have done)
If you plan to commit a crime and run from the police on foot...*Do* pick a more subtle color to wear than bright yellow pants.
*Don't* invite a uniformed police officer into your home to chat about a crime you witnessed if you have dope on the table in plain view.
When you go on a burglary spree *Do* ensure you have enough gas in your vehicle to drive away from your crime scene.
"But I know the people who live here" is *Not* a valid justification for burglarizing a neighbors house when they are out of town.
When an officer is demonstrating a field sobriety test *Don't* say, "Well, I can't do that sober!" on camera, and then plead not guilty.If you are going to steal a car
*Do* pick one that will blend in traffic better than a pearl white six door limo.
*Don't* answer a question with the phrase, "Who me?" when you and the officer are the only people in a ten mile radius.
*Don't* repeat the question that the officer just asked. It's considered a stall technique and it gives away the fact you are getting ready to lie through your teeth.
*Don't* say, "I ain't got no dope. Why you wanna search my car?" before the officer even introduces himself/herself on the traffic stop.
*Do* pick an alias you can spell before you lie to the police about your name
.*Do* ensure the birthday you give matches the age you give when lying about your birthday.
When you attempt to drop your dope on the ground when approached by an officer, *Don't* bounce said dope off the toe of the officer's boot.
*Do* come up with something better to say than, "These aren't my pants" when the officer finds dope or any other contraband in your pocket.
If you are going to jump into a stranger's fenced back yard *Do* make sure a police K-9 vehicle is not parked in the driveway.
*Don't* ask an off duty plain clothes officer in his privately owned vehicle for a ride away from your crime scene.If you leave your pants, car, and ID at a crime scene, the cops *Will* probably be able to figure out who dunnit.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-28-2002, 04:37 PM:
Rated PG Show Me the Evidence!
After stopping a car for speeding, I asked the driver why she wasn't wearing her seatbelt (It's the law for driver's to wear seatbelts in Ohio).
The driver (a very attractive young lady) said "I'm an exotic dancer, and the seatbelt pinches my nipple rings and hurts. So I don't wear a seatbelt 'cause it hurts if I do.
If you don't believe me, I'll show you."
She also told this story in court. The judge found her guilty and told her he didn't need to see her evidence. .......
Submitted by...John Ferguson, North College Hill P.D., Ohio
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-28-2002, 04:41 PM:
Rated G It Wasn't My Fault!
This didn't actually happen to me, but was told by an older officer.
He swears it's true...
"I can't help it, constable. Someone has hypnotized me to park illegally!" .......
Submitted by...Roope Letho, Espoo PD, Finland.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-30-2002, 01:09 PM:
Rated G A friend of mine worked as a State Highway patrolman in Wyoming for several years. Whenever he pulled someone over for speeding, he would always ask them why they were exceeding the speed limit. If the excuse was
original, he would usually let them off with a warning. He said the best excuse he ever got was the following:
Him: "So, why is it that you were doing 70 mph in a 55
zone?"
Driver: "Well, officer, my wife is going to get pregnant in 30 minutes and I want to be there when it happens."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-30-2002, 01:15 PM:
Rated G Bee Careful Out There!
I stopped a car in a rural area of our county for going 80 MPH in a 55 MPH zone.
The driver explained that he had a bee flying around his head so he sped up to 80, hoping that the bee couldn't fly that fast and would not be able to fly out of the back seat area to get at him.....
Submitted by...Gary Lenon, Mecosta County Sheriff Department, Michigan.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-30-2002, 01:18 PM:
Rated G Tough One to Swallow!
While running traffic late one night I had a pick-up truck pass my spot going 72 MPH in a 45 zone.
I took off. I declared a pursuit at about 4 miles into following this subject with lights and siren going.
After about another 7 miles the truck signals and pulls over. I had a Deputy Sheriff show up just as I began to approach the vehicle.
Upon reaching the driver, I recognized him as one of our towns residents.He looked at me and said he was sorry for going so fast, and he didn't stop, because he didn't know I was back there,because...... "I've had A LOT to drink!" .....(He went to jail!)..
Submitted by...James John Mathias, II,Elnora PD, Elnora, Indiana.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-30-2002, 01:20 PM:
Rated G Gotta Be a Verbal Warning!
While running radar on Ga. Hwy 85, I stopped a van which was traveling 72mph in the 35 mph zone.
The driver explained that he did not see the 35 mph speed sign because he was plugging his wife's breast pump.
After explaining this to me he leaned back in the drivers seat and there was his wife ---with breast pump attached-- I had to let this one go???????????.......
Submitted by...L.T. JL Parks, Waverly Hall PD, Georgia.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-30-2002, 01:23 PM:
Rated G GIVE ME A BRAKE . . .!
One night many years ago I was on patrol and observed a vehicle blow through a red light at a major intersection.
There had been plenty of time to stop, yet the vehicle had not even slowed down.
I stopped the car and asked the young female driver why she had done that.
The girl told me she had just had her brakes repaired, it had been very expensive, and she DIDN'T WANT TO WEAR THEM DOWN!
Usually I give people a pass if I haven't heard their excuse before, but in this case she got the ticket. ........................................
Submitted by... Dave Hoffman, Sergeant, Naperville IL PD
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-30-2002, 01:30 PM:
Rated G I HOPE HE WAS CHARGED. . .!
A man's 30 year old son stole his credit cards and ran up quite a bill.
Two other agencies almost caught him on two seperate occassions but he fought with officers and escaped.
The next day his Mother calls and told us he had just ran into her home and took some clothes and left in a cab.
We called the cab company and actually got the driver on his cell phone.
Did you make a pickup on Alcoa Rd?
Yes.
Where did you take him?
Uh, Well. Is he still in the cab?
Yes Would you bring him to the police department ?
Yea sure. 5 minutes later a surprised crook looked up as the cab stopped in front of the police department to find himself surounded by Detective Greg Little and three Patrol Officers.
Hello case closed.
The cab company involved was The "Wright Way Cab".
So I guess this arrest was made the right way..... ........................................
Submitted by... Sgt. Charlie Carty , Benton Police Department,Benton, AR
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 05-02-2002, 10:24 AM:
Rated G A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding, and the trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable.
Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.
The farmer said, "Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?"
The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said- "Well yeah, if that's what they are-I never heard of circle flies."
So the farmer says-"Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a
horse."
The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute he stops and says, "Hey... wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horses ass?"
The farmer says, "Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horses ass."
The trooper says, "Well, that's a good thing," and goes back to writing the ticket.
After a long pause, the farmer says, "Hard to fool them flies though."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 05-03-2002, 02:50 PM:
Rated X California State Trooper comes up on a woman apparently stuck with the hood of her down on her, her dress over her hips and her panties down around her ankles.
He quickly extracts her and asks what happened."My car stopped and I got out to look, and while I was looking a Texan shut the hood on me, pulled down my panties and raped me".
"How in the world could you know it was a Texan"?
"He had a great big belt buckle and a little tiny peter".
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 05-07-2002, 08:38 PM:
Rated PG A New Yorker was forced to take a day off from work to appear for a minor traffic summons. He grew increasingly restless as he waited hour after endless hour for his case to be heard.
When his name was called late in the afternoon, he stood before the judge, only to hear that court would be adjourned for the rest of the afternoon and he would have to return the next day.
"What for?!?!?" he snapped at the judge.
His honor, equally irked by a tedious day and sharp query, roared out loud: "Twenty dollars contempt of court! That's why!"
Then, noticing the man checking his wallet, the judge relented:"That's all right. You don't have to pay now."
The young man replied,"I know. But I'm just seeing if I have enough for two more words."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-05-2002, 07:26 AM:
Rated G A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?"
He said, "Call for backup."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-20-2002, 12:26 PM:
Rated G In Flordia five teens thought they had outsmarted the police by hiding in a pond at night.
When the police used their flashlights to show the teens that alligators were using the same pond, the five teens quickly gave themselves up.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 07-25-2002, 10:00 AM:
Rated PG The FBI, the CIA, and the LAPD are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals.
The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.
The FBI goes in first. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.
Next the CIA goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit. But they can neither confirm nor deny their actions.
Finally it's the LAPD's turn. Two hours later they come out with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling, "Okay, okay, I'm a rabbit, I'm a rabbit!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 07-29-2002, 08:26 AM:
Rated PG The sheriff of the small town pulled over a Porsche that was doing 75 miles per hour in a 35-mile an hour zone.
The wealthy man behind the wheel was steaming. When he was finally brought before the local magistrate, he exploded, "I can't believe you stopped me. This town must be the butthole of the world!"
The magistrate looked at him and replied, "And you must be what's passing through."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 08-07-2002, 12:23 PM:
Speeding Tickets---GOOD:
A policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but wasn't getting many. Then he discovered the problem-a 10 year old boy was standing up the road with a hand painted sign which read "RADAR TRAP AHEAD". The officer then found a young accomplice down the road with a sign reading "TIPS" and a bucket full of change. (And we used to just sell lemonade.)
BETTER:
A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated radar. A $40 speeding ticket was included. Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $40. The police responded with another mailed photo of Handcuffs.
BEST:A young woman was pulled over for speeding. As the motorcycle officer walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said, "I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the Highway Patrolmen's Ball." He replied, "Highway patrolmen don't have balls." There was a moment of silence while she smiled, and he realized what he'd just said. He then closed his book, got back on his motorcycle and left. She was laughing too hard to start her car for several minutes.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 08-07-2002, 12:46 PM:
Rated G I went to the store the other day, I was only in there for about 5 minutes and when I came out there was a damn motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket.
So I went up to him and said, 'Come on buddy, how about giving a guy a break?'
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.
So I called him a pencil necked nazi.
He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having bald tires!!
So I called him a horse shit. He finished the second ticket and put it on the car with the first.
Then he started writing a third ticket!!
This went on for about 20 minutes, the more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
I didn't give a damn. My car was parked around the corner...
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 08-19-2002, 03:43 AM:
Rated G A woman was driving her old beat up car on the Highway with her 7 year old son.
She tried to keep up with traffic but they were flying by her. After getting caught in a large group of cars flying down the road, she looked at her speedometer to see she was doing 15 miles over the speed limit.
Slowing down, she moved over to the side and got out of the clump that soon left her behind. She looked up and saw the flashing lights of a police car. Pulling over she waited for the officer to come up to her car.
As he did he said, "Ma'am do you know why I pulled you over?"
Her son piped up from the back seat, "I do... because you couldn't catch the other cars!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 08-21-2002, 10:11 AM:
Rated G Texas BobLBJ was speeding down the road near his west Texas ranch when a
State Trooper came along side and flagged him down. Getting out of
his car the trooper, brand new and anxious to write up his first
speeder, approached the car and as LBJ rolled down the window,
demanded:
"Lemme see your drivers license."
LBJ with a sneer asked: "Do you know who I am?"
"I don't care who you are, I wanna see your drivers license!"
Reluctantly, LBJ took out his wallet, extracted the license and
handed it to the trooper.
Looking at the license, the trooper blanched white.
"Know who I am now?" asked LBJ.
"Jesus Christ!!!" exclaimed the trooper.
"No, but you're close," responded LBJ
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 08-22-2002, 10:12 AM:
Rated G As he was driving home from work, a man in a rural community was stopped by a local police officer. The motorist was given a ticket for failing to come to a full stop at a stop sign.
"Don't I get a warning?' he protested.
The officer replied, "Sure! If you don't come to a complete stop next time, you'll get another ticket."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 08-26-2002, 08:43 AM:
Rated G The man was in no shape to drive, so he wisely left his car parked and walked home. As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman.
"What are you doing out here at 2 A.M.?" said the officer.
"I'm going to a lecture." the man said.
"And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?"the cop asked.
"My wife." said the man.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 08-26-2002, 09:16 AM:
Rated PG A deputy police officer responded to a report of a barroom disturbance.
The "disturbance" turned out to be well over six feet tall and weighed almost 300 pounds.
What's more, he boasted that he could whip the deputy and Muhammad Ali too.
Said the policeman, "I'll bet that you're also an escape artist-probably better than Houdini."
The giant nodded.
"If I had some chains," the deputy continued, "you could show us how strong you really are. But all I've got is a set of handcuffs. Why don't you see just how quickly you can break out of them?"
Once in the cuffs, the man puffed, pulled and jerked for four minutes. "I can't get out of these," the giant growled.
"Are you sure?" the deputy asked.
The fellow tried again.
"Nope," he replied. "I can't do it."
"In that case," said the deputy, "you're under arrest."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 08-27-2002, 07:34 AM:
Rated G A defense attorney was cross-examining a Chicago police officer during a felony trial -- it went like this:
Q. Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?
A. No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away.
Q. Officer, who provided this description?
A. The officer who responded to the scene.
Q. A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called
offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?
A. Yes sir, with my life.
Q. With your life? Let me ask you this then officer -- do you have a locker room in the police station -- a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?
A. Yes sir, we do.
Q. And do you have a locker in that room?
A. Yes sir, I do.
Q. And do you have a lock on your locker?
A. Yes sir.
Q. Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those same officers?
A. You see sir, we share the building with a court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.
With that, the courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt recess was called.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 09-04-2002, 08:53 AM:
Rated G A cop walking his usual beat sees an old man pulling a box on a leash, down a busy street. "Poor man," the cop thinks to himself. "I'd better go humor him."
"That' a nice dog you got there," says the cop to the old man.
"It isn't a dog, it's a box," replies the old man.
"Oh, I'm sorry," says the policeman, "I thought you were simple-minded."
The old man walks past the cop, then turns to his box, and says, "We sure fooled him that time, didn't we, Rover?"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 09-05-2002, 11:46 AM:
Rated G
At the police station, Bubba explained to the police officer why his cousins shot him.
"Well," Bubba began, "We wuz havin' a good time drinking, when my cousin Ray picked up his shotgun and said, "Hey, der ya fellows wanna go hunting?"
"And then what happened?"
"From what I remember," Bubba continued, "I stood up and said, "Sure, I'm game."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 09-06-2002, 05:56 AM:
Rated G
Did ya hear about the two wannabe police dogs named Timex and Rolex?
Well...they were really WATCHDOGS!
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 09-06-2002, 02:41 PM:
Rated PG The Louisiana State Police received reports of illegal cock fights being held in the area around LaFayette, and duly dispatched the infamous detective Desormeaux to investigate. He reported to his sergeant the next morning.
"Dey is tree main groups in dis cock fightin'" he began.
"Good work. Who are they?" the sergeant asked.
Desormeaux replied confidently, "De Aggies, de Cajuns, and de Mafia."
Puzzled, the sergeant asked, "How did you find that out in one night?"
"Well," he replied, "I went down and done seen dat cock fight.
I knowed the Aggies was involved when a duck was entered in the fight."
The sergeant nodded, "I'll buy that. But what about the others?"
Desmoreaux intoned knowingly, "Well, I knowed de Cajuns was involved when summbody bet on de duck."
"Ah," sighed the sergeant, "And how did you deduce the Mafia was involved?"
"De duck won."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 09-06-2002, 10:02 PM:
Rated G The policeman's wife came home from work and found a note from her husband.
"Your doctor called and said your Pabst Beer came back alright...
whatever that means."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 09-25-2002, 07:04 PM:
Rated G Pete in PoughkeepsieI am a police officer in New York State. I have had many unusual
experiences on traffic stops. Here are a few of the more interesting excuses and incidents I have encountered...
This older man ran a red light and after I pulled him over I was going to let him go with a warning.HOWEVER, when I returned to the vehicle he said to me "just give me my %$^% ticket, so I can go."I informed him that I had been going to let him go but since he insisted I will be right back with his ticket.
A woman passed several cars on the shoulder while doing approximately 75 mph. When I asked her why she had been doing this while she had two small children in the car she answered, "Officer I was fighting for position." She received a ticket.
I pulled a car over for having a headlight out on a Saturday night, after I spoke to the operator I discovered that the vehicle was unregistered, uninsured, uninspected and the plates had been switched to the car from another. When asked why the operator had done this, the passenger replied... "Officer, It's OK. We were going to register the car on Monday."
I pulled a car over for driving erratically, the driver told me the reason he had not been paying attention to the road. "I was watching the couple in the back seat have sex."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 09-26-2002, 01:02 PM:
Rated R FBI'S MOST UNUSUAL DEATHS
Every year the FBI is asked to investigate over 36,000 Serious Crimes including Suspicious Deaths and Homicides. Every year the Homicide Investigations Unit puts out its Top 12 Homicides of the year.
1- Alex Mijtus, 36 years old, is killed by his wife, armed with a
20-inch long vibrator. Mrs Mijtus had enough of her husband's strange sex practices and one night during a prolonged session of fun she snapped, pushing all 20 inches of the vibrator into Alex's anus until it ruptured several internal organs and caused severe bleeding.
OWWWW!!!!
2- Debby Mills-Newbroughton, 99 years old, was killed as she crossed the road. She was to turn 100 the next day, but crossing the road with her daughter to go to her own birthday party her wheel chair was hit by the truck delivering her birthday cake.
3- Peter Stone, 42 years old, is murdered by his 8-year-old daughter, who he had just sent to her room with no dinner. Young Samantha Stone felt that if she couldn't have dinner no one should, and she promptly inserted 72 rat poison tablets into her father's coffee as he prepared dinner. The victim took one sip and promptly collapsed. Samantha Stone was given a suspended sentence as the judge felt she didn't realize what she was doing, until she tried to poison her mother using the same method one month later.
4- David Danil, 17 years old, was killed by his girlfriend after he attempted to have his way with her. His unwelcome advance was met with a double-barrelled shotgun. Charla's (the girlfriends') father had given it to her an hour before the date started, just in case.
5- Javier Halos, 27 years old, was killed by his landlord for failing to pay his rent for 8 years. The landlord, Kirk Weston, clubbed the victim to death with a toilet seat after he realized just how long it had been since Mr Halos paid his rent.
6- Megan Fry, 44 years old, is killed by 14 state troopers after she wandered onto a live firing, fake town, simulation. Seeing all the troopers walking slowly down the street Megan Fry had jumped out in front of them and yelled Boo! The troopers, thinking she was a pop up target, fired 67 shots between them, over 40 of them hitting the target. She just looked like a very "real looking" target, one of the troopers stated in his report.
7- Julia Smeeth, 20 years old, was killed by her brother Michael because she talked on the phone too long, Michael clubbed his sister to death with a cordless phone, then stabbed her several times with the broken aerial.
8- Helena Simms, wife to the famous American nuclear scientist Harold Simms was killed by her husband after she had an affair with the neighbour. Over a period of 3 months Harold substituted Helena's eye shadow with a Uranium composite that was highly radioactive, until she died of radiation poisoning. Although she suffered many symptoms, including total hair loss, welts, blindness, extreme nausea and even hadan ear lobe drop off, the victim never attended a doctor's surgery or hospital for a check up.
9- Military Sergeant John Joe Winter killed his two-timing wife by loading her car with Trintynitrate explosive (similar to C4). The Ford Taurus she was driving wasfilled with 750 kgs of explosive, forming a force twice as powerful as the Oklahoma Bombing. The explosion was heard by several persons some up to 14 kilometres away. No trace of the car or the victim were ever found, only a 55 meter deep crater, and 500m of missing road.
10- Patty Winter, 35 years old, was killed by her neighbour in the early hours of a Sunday morning. Her neighbour, Falt Hame, for years had a mounted F6 phantom jet engine in his rear yard. He would fire the jet engine, aimed at an empty block at the back of his property.
Patty Winter would constantly complain to the local sheriff's officers about the noise and the potential risk of fire. Mr Hame was served with a notice to remove the engine immediately. Not liking this he invited Miss Winter over for a cup of coffee and a chat about the whole situation. What Winter didn't know was that he had changed the position of the engine, as she walked into the yard he activated it, hitting her with a blast of 5,000 degrees, killing her instantly, and forever burning her outline into the driveway.
11- Michael Lewis, angry with his gay boyfriend, used the movie, Die Hard With a Vengeance as inspiration. He drugged his boyfriend, Tony Berry, into an almost catatonic state, then dressed him only in a double-sided white board that read Death to all Niggers! On one side, and God Loves the KKK on the other. Lewis then drove the victim to downtown Harlem and dropped him off. Two minutes later Berry was deceased.
12- Conrad Middleton, 26 years old, was killed by his twin brother Brian after a disagreement over who should take the family home after their parents' passed away. Conrad had a nasal problem, and had no sense of smell. After the argument Brian stormed out of the house, then snuck back later, and turned on the 3 gas taps in the house, filling it with gas. He then left out a box of cigars, a lighter and a note saying, Sorry for the spree, have a puff on me, Brian. Conrad promptly lit a cigar, destroying the house, and himself in the process.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-01-2002, 06:21 PM:
Rated G TALL, DARK & HANDSOME!
A wife went to the police station with her next-door neighbor to report
that her husband was missing.
The policeman asked for a description.
She said, "He's 35 years old, 6 foot 4, has dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is soft-spoken, and is good to the children."
The next-door neighbor protested, "Your husband is 5 foot 4, chubby, bald,has a big mouth, and is mean to your children."
The wife replied, "Yes, but who wants HIM back?"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-02-2002, 08:35 PM:
Rated G The judge looked at the defendant and yelled, "I thought I told
you last time that I never wanted to see you here again!"
"Your Honor," replied the criminal. "That's what I kept trying to
tell the police, but they just wouldn't listen."
Posted by Steve Kraus (Member # 476) on 10-02-2002, 09:03 PM:
Just for clarification, the FBI homicide list, often presented as fact, is ficticious just like the other jokes here. Urban Legends
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-27-2002, 05:34 PM:
Rated G Lorraine
LOST IN THE PARK:
A police car pulls up in front of grandma Bessie's house, and grandpa Morris gets out.
The polite policeman explained that this elderly gentleman said that he was lost in the park and couldn't find his way home.
"Oh Morris", said grandma, "You've been going to that park for over 30 years! So how could you get lost ? "
Leaning close to grandma, so that the policeman couldn't hear. Morris whispered, "Lost I wasn't.....I was just too tired to walk home."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-10-2002, 08:28 AM:
Rated R
Good evening ladies", Sherlock Holmes said as he passed three
women eating bananas on a park bench.
"Do you know them?" Dr. Watson asked. "No", Holmes replied,
"I've never met the nun, the prostitute or the bride we just
passed."
"Good Lord, Holmes, how in the world did you know all that?"
"Elementary, my dear Watson. The nun ate the banana by holding it
one hand and using the fingers of the other hand to properly
break the fruit into small pieces."
"The prostitute", he continued, "grabbed with both hands and
crammed the whole thing into her mouth."
"Amazing!" Watson exclaimed. "But how did you know the third was
a newlywed?"
"Because she held it one hand and pushed her head toward it with
the other."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-10-2002, 08:40 AM:
Rated G The agitated woman had rung 911.
"Police, fire or ambulance?" asked the operator.
"I want a vet!" demanded the panic stricken woman.
"A vet?" said the emergency service operator in surprise. "What for?"
"To open my bulldog's jaws."
"But why did you ring 911 ?"
"There's a burglar in them."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-11-2002, 04:21 PM:
Rated PG
This guy is flying down the road, and he comes over a bridge.
Sure enough, a cop with a radar gun is sitting on the other side of the bridge and pulls him over.
The cop walks up to the guy's car and asks, "What's the hurry?"
The guy says, "I'm late for work."
"What do you do?"
The guy responds, "Well, I'm a rectum stretcher."
The cop says, "What? A rectum stretcher?"
The guy says, "Yeah. I start with a finger, then work my way up to two fingers... eventually I get a hand in, then both hands, and I slowly stretch it until it's about six feet wide."
The cop asks, "What do you do with a six-foot asshole?"
"Well, you give him a radar gun and park him at the end of a bridge....."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-11-2002, 09:59 PM:
Rated G The Traffic Stop
A truck driver was pulled over by a State Trooper. The patrolman told him to get out of the truck, and noticed that the driver appeared to be putting something in his mouth as he stepped out of the cab. Figuring that the driver was putting away his pep pills, the patrolman asked "Did I just see you swallow something?"
"Yep, that was my birth control pill," said the driver.
"Birth control pill?" asked the patrolman.
"Yep, when I saw your flashing light, I knew I was screwed.";D
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-11-2002, 10:13 PM:
RATED G New Arrestee Questionnaire
Law Enforcement Improvement Policy
In order to provide you, the customer, with the best possible service, we ask that you take a few minutes to complete this critique.
1. During your arrest were you advised of your rights in a timely manner?
___ Yes
___ No
___ What rights?
2. If your attitude at the time of arrest required the use of force, how would you rate the application of said force?
___ Too much
___ Not enough
___ Just right
3. If an arrest warrant was used during your arrest, what type was it?
___ Consensual
___ Court ordered
___ Police ordered
4. When you were handcuffed, how would you rate their use?
___ Too tight
___ Not tight enough
___ Too loose
___ Not loose enough
___ Just right
5. For what crime were you arrested?
___ Homicide
___ Rape
___ Robbery
___ DUI
___ Public Stupidity
___ Public Mopery with Intent to Gawk
___ Other
6. During your arrest, was the officer's commentary directed at you politically correct?
___ Yes
___ No
7. During your ride to jail, how many times did the officer's driving habits cause your face to impact with the silent partner?
___ Once
___ Twice
___ Three times
___ I can't remember
8. Once you arrived at our jail, how were you removed from the vehicle?
___ Through the car door
___ Through the trunk
___ From the trunk
___ Through the wing window
___ Off the bumper
9. Have you taken advantage of our department's free attitude adjustment program?'
___ Yes
___ No
___ Not yet
10. How would you rate the food at our jail in comparison with food at other jails you have visited?
___ Excellent
___ Good
___ Fair
___ Poor
___ Bad
___ What food?
11. Would you recommend being arrested by our department to your fellow felons?
___ Yes
___ No
___ You gotta be kidding
12. Were you offered an opportunity to confess to the crime you were arrested for?
___ Yes
___ No
13. Were you offered an opportunity to confess to the crime you were not arrested for?
___ Yes
___ No
14. Our department is offering a Time Saver Program whereby you can sign all forms ahead of time, and we will fill in the blanks later. Would you be interested in such a program?
___ Yes
___ No
___ Does X count as a signature?
Thank you for your participation!
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-12-2002, 12:45 PM:
Rated G
Law Enforcement
1. Bullet Proof vests aren't.
2. The bigger they are, the harder they fall. They also punch, kick and choke harder too.
3. The speed at which you respond to a fight call is inversely proportional to how long you ve been a cop.
4. Tear gas works on cops too, and regardless of wind direction, will always blow back in your face.
5. High speed chases will always proceed from an area of light traffic to an area of extremely heavy traffic.
6. If you know someone who tortures animals and wets the bed, he is either a serial killer or he works for Internal Affairs.
7. Placing a gun back in a shoulder holster with your finger on the trigger will cause you to walk with a limp.
8. Flash hiders don't really.
9. If you have cleared all the rooms and met no resistance, you and your entry team have probably kicked in the door of the wrong house.
10. If a cop swings a baton in a fight, he will hit other cops more often than he will hit the bad guys he swings at.
11. Domestic arguments will always migrate from an area of few available weapons (living room), to an area with many available weapons (kitchen).
12. If you have just punched out a handcuffed prisoner for spitting at you, you are about to become a star on Eyewitness News .
13. Bullets work on veteran cops too. They also work on weight lifters, martial arts experts, department marksmen, Vice cops, S.W.A.T. jocks, and others who consider themselves immortal.
14. When a civilian sees a blue light approaching at a high rate of speed, he will always pull into the lane the cop needs to use.
15. If you drive your patrol car to the geometric center of the Gobi Desert, within five minutes a dumb-ass civilian will pull along side you and ask for directions.
16. You can never drive slow enough to please the citizens who don't need a cop, and you can never drive fast enough to please the ones who do.
17. Any suspect with a rifle is a better shot than any cop with a pistol.
18. From behind you, the bad guys can see your night sights as well as you can.
19. On any call, there will always be more bad guys than there are good guys, and the farther away your back-up, the more there will be.
20. The longer you ve been a cop, the shorter your flashlight and your temper gets.
21. Whatever you are about to do, if there is a good chance it will get you killed, you probably shouldn't do it.
22. You should never do a shotgun search of a dark warehouse with a cop whose nickname is Boomer.
23. The better you do your job, the more likely you are to be shot, injured, complained on, sued, investigated, or subpoenaed on your day off.
24. If a large group of drunk bikers is holed-up in a house, the Department will send one officer in a beat car. If there is one biker holed-up in a house, they will send the entire S.W.A.T. Team.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-13-2002, 12:30 PM:
Rated G Our First Anniversary
The other day while driving home, after being delayed at my
office, I suddenly saw flashing lights in my rearview mirror. The
police officer pulled me over for speeding.
I explained to him that I was rushing home to be with my wife on
our first anniversary.
But rather than letting me off, he wrote out the ticket, handed it
to me, and said, "Congratulations. The first year is paper, right?"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-18-2002, 05:13 PM:
Rated X ![[Smile]](smile.gif)
A girl sat sobbing in the police station.
"I . . . I was raped by an Irishman," she wailed.
"How do you know it was an Irishman?" the detective asked.
"I had to help him," the girl replied.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-22-2002, 01:12 PM:
Rated G ![[eyes]](graemlins/eyes.gif)
What makes you think the prisoner was drunk?" asked the judge.
"Well, Your Honor," replied the arresting officer, "I saw him lift up a manhole cover and walk away with it, and when I asked him what it was for he said, 'I want to listen to it on my record-player!' " ![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-25-2002, 10:10 AM:
Rated G
HARASSMENT
Recently, California ran an e-mail forum (a question and answer exchange) with the topic being "Community Policing".
One of the civilian email participants posed the following question: "I would like to know how it is possible for police officers to continually harass people and get away with it?"
From the "other side" (the law enforcement side) a cool cop with a sense of humor replied:
"It is not easy. In California we average one cop for every 2000 people. About 60% of those cops are on patrol, where we do most of the harassing. One-fifth of that 60% are on duty at any moment and available for harassing people.So, one cop is responsible for harassing about 10,000 residents.
When you toss in the commercial, business, and tourist locations that attract people from other areas, sometimes you have a situation where a single cop is responsible for harassing 20,000 or more people a day.
A ten-hour shift runs 36,000 seconds. This gives a cop one-second to harass a person, and three-fourths of a second to eat a donut AND then find a new person to harass.
This is not an easy task. Most cops are not up to it day in and day out. It is just too tiring.What we do is utilize some tools to help us narrow down those, which we harass. They are as follows:
PHONE: People will call us up and point out things that cause us to focus on a person for special harassment. "My neighbor is beating his wife" is a code phrase we use. Then we come out and give special harassment.Another popular one on a weeknight is, "The kids next door are having a party."
CARS: We have special cops assigned to harass people who drive. They like to harass the drivers of fast cars, cars blasting music, cars with expired registration stickers and the like. It is lots of fun when you pick them out of traffic for nothing more obvious than running a red light. Sometimes you get to really heap the harassment on when you find they have drugs in the car, are drunk, or have a warrant.
RUNNERS: Some people take off running just at the sight of a police officer. Nothing is quite as satisfying as running after them like a beagle on the scent of a bunny. When you catch them you can harass them for hours.
CODES: When you can think of nothing else to do, there are books that give ideas for reasons to harass folks. They are called "Codes"; Penal, Vehicle, Health and Safety, Business and Professions... They all spell out all sorts of things for which you can really mess with people. After you read the code, you can just drive around for a while until you find someone violating one of these listed offenses and harass them. Just last week I saw a guy smash a car window. Well, the code says that is not allowed. That meant I got permission to harass this guy. It is a pretty cool system that we have set up, and it works pretty well.
I seem to have a never-ending supply of folks to harass. And we get away with it. Why? Because the good citizens who pay the tab like that we keep the streets safe for them. Next time you are in my town, give me a single finger wave. That is a signal that you wish for me to take a little closer look at you, and maybe I'll find a reason to harass YOU. Looking forward to meeting you."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-26-2002, 05:37 PM:
Rated G ![[Eek!]](eek.gif)
![[thumbsup]](graemlins/thumbsup.gif)
Speed Trap
A state trooper spied a car puttering along at 22 MPH. So he turned on his lights and pulled the driver over. Approaching the car, he noticed that five old guys were inside, and they looked wide-eyed and terribly pale.
The driver pleaded with him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"
"Sir," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding, but driving slower than the speed limit can also be dangerous."
"I beg to differ, Officer, I was doing the speed limit exactly: twenty-two miles an hour!" the old man said. ![[Confused]](confused.gif)
The trooper, chuckling, explained to him that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the man grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out his error.
"But before I let you go, Sir, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car ok? These guys seem awfully shaken."
"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute," the old man said. "We just got off Route 119."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-27-2002, 05:17 PM:
Rated G
Lorraine
BATTERY ACID AND FIREWORKS
A local policeman had just finished his shift one cold November
evening and was at home with his wife.
"You just won't believe what happened this evening, in all my
years on the force I've never seen anything like it."
"Oh yes dear, what happened?"
"I came across two guys down by the canal, one of them was
drinking battery acid and the other was eating fireworks."
"Drinking battery acid and eating fireworks!? What did you do with
them?"
"Oh that was easy, . . . I charged one and let the other off."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-12-2002, 01:33 PM:
Rated G
A cop pulls over a guy who's weaving his car through four lanes of traffic.
COP: You drinkin'?
DRIVER: That depends. You buyin'?
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-13-2002, 03:34 PM:
Rated G
An attractive young thing met her maiden aunt downtown for lunch one afternoon and during the meal, the older woman asked her niece to deposit a paycheck for her at the bank where the girl worked. On her way back from work,the girl was accosted by a purse snatcher.
"Help,help,"she screamed at a passing cop."That man has taken my aunt's pay-he's taken my aunt's pay!"
"OK,lady,"said the cop."Cut out the pig latin and tell me exactly what happened."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-27-2002, 10:09 AM:
Rated G
"What am I supposed to do with this?" Maurice grumbled as the
police clerk handed him a receipt for his traffic fine.
"Keep it" the clerk advised."When you get three of them, you
get a bicycle.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-28-2002, 08:46 PM:
Rated PG
A Roseville police officer got more than he expected with his soft-shell taco during a recent dinner break.
Officer Joe Spark was pre-paring to eat a taco from Taco John's, 3338 Rice St. when he noticed a dark green substance "which looked and smelled like marijuana,'' according to a criminal complaint filed in Ramsey County.
The Ramsey County attorney's office has charged Jacob William Furey, 19, of Mounds View with one count of the sale of a controlled substance in the fifth degree.
When Spark returned to the restaurant, he interviewed Furey, who told him that he had been handed the marijuana by another employee and had sprinkled it on a taco ordered by the officer, the complaint said.
The Roseville Police Department tested the taco and confirmed the presence of marijuana.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-02-2003, 08:20 AM:
Rated G
POLICE OFFICER:
You're definitely to blame for this car accident.
MAURICE:
What?That other driver clearly drove into me!
How can you say it's my fault and not his?
POLICE OFFICER:
Because his father is the mayor,his brother is the chief of police and I'm engaged to his sister.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-03-2003, 10:11 AM:
Rated G
While driving through Buffalo after a heavy snow storm, a motorist noted a cop,apparently waist deep in snow, traffic.
Feeling sorry for him, the motorist called out"I'm sorry you have to work half buried in the snow."
The cop called back "Don't feel sorry for me,feel sorry for my horse.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-03-2003, 11:29 AM:
Rated G
Your Chicken?
One day a State Trooper was pulling off an expressway near Chicago. When he turned onto the street at the end of the ramp, he noticed someone at a chicken place getting into his car.The driver placed the bucket of chicken on top of his car,got in and drove off with the bucket still on top of his car.
So the trooper decides to pull him over and perform a community service by giving the driver his chicken.So he pulled him over,walked up to the car,pulled the bucket off the roof and offered it to the driver.
The driver looks at the trooper and says,"No thanks,I just bought some."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-04-2003, 09:18 PM:
A police officer pulls over this guy who's been weaving in and out of the lanes. He goes up to the guy's window and says, ... Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyser tube.
The man says, ... Sorry, officer, I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that, I'll have a really bad asthma attack.
... Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station togive a blood sample. ... I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to death.
... Well, then, we need a urine sample.
... I'm sorry, officer, I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that, I'll get really low blood sugar.
... All right, then I need you to come out here and walk this
white line.
... I can't do that, officer.
... Why not?
... Because I'm drunk!
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-05-2003, 10:50 AM:
Rated PG
"You Are Under Arrest And...."
1. No, I DON'T KNOW who you are.
2. No, I don't CARE who you know.
3. Yes, you DO pay my salary.
4. Yes, you CAN have my job.
5. NO, I don't have anything better to do.
6. Yes, I do arrest REAL CRIMINALS sometimes.
7. No, I am not picking on you because you are (fill in ethnic group.)
8. No, I CAN'T give you a break.
9. No, I DON'T KNOW your friend Officer (fill in the name.)
10. YES, you will be allowed to make a phone call.
11. Yes, you probably will NEVER DO IT AGAIN.
12. No, WE CAN'T talk about it.
13. Yes, it does MAKE ME HAPPY.
14. Yes, you WILL SEE ME IN COURT....YOUR ARRESTING OFFICER
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-06-2003, 02:57 PM:
Rated G
A police officer was escorting a prisoner to jail when his hat blew off.
"Shall I run and get it for you?" asked the prisoner obligingly.
"You must think I'm daft," said the officer.
"You stand here and I'll get it." ![[Frown]](frown.gif)
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-09-2003, 08:16 PM:
Rated G Sue Bee
A news story said the police caught a guy trying to cash a phony
check and took him down to the station. While the officers were
distracted, the crook grabbed the check off the desk and swallowed
it.
No problem: the police waited five or six hours and then charged
the guy with passing a bad check.
Twice
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-11-2003, 08:21 AM:
Rated G
Car Race
A man was driving along a rural Alabama road in his beat up old Dodge, when suddenly it broke down.
He was parked on the side of the road trying fix it, when a Jaguar pulled up in front of him and offered to help.
After a few minutes the two men obviously werent going to get the old car going again, so the Jaguar driver offered to tow the Dodge to the nearest garage.
A few minutes later the two had hitched up the old Dodge to the Jaguar, and they agreed that if the Jaguar driver was going too fast, the man should blow his horn and flash his lights to get him to slow down.
With that the two men got into their cars and the Jaguar driver started to pull away with the Dodge behind it.
At the first traffic light, a Ferrari pulled up beside the Jaguar and started to rev his engine provocatively. As soon as the light turned green the Ferrari and the Jaguar hit their accelerators and took off.
Before long the cars were racing at over 120 mph. As the cars speed along, they passed through a police speed trap. The officer couldnt believe his eyes when he saw the three cars go by, and he decided that he couldn't catch them all by himself, so he decided to radio for help:
"You wont believe what I just saw! I saw a Ferrari and a Jaguar doing 120 mph side by side, and a beat up old Dodge behind them flashing his lights and blowing his horn trying to get by...!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-21-2003, 09:06 AM:
Rated G
The warden, addressing the three instigators of a failed prison riot, said, "I would like to know two things. First: Why did you revolt? Second: How did you get out of your cell?"
One of the three men stepped forward, "Warden, we rebelled because the food is awful."
"I see. And what did you use to break the bars?" the warden asked.
Replied the spokesman, "French Toast"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-29-2003, 08:29 AM:
Rated G :
Excuses For Breaking The Speed Limit"
* I didn't realize I was speeding.
* I was traveling with the flow of traffic.
* I was only passing someone.
* My speedometer must be wrong or broken.
* But I had my cruise set at _____.
* Your radar must be wrong.
* Running late for something.
* I'm on vacation.
* I was trying to get to a rest room.
* This is someone else's car.
* I wasn't paying attention.
* I didn't know what the speed limit was.
* I was going downhill.
* I'm almost out of gas.
* My accelerator stuck.
* _______ is dying/just died.
* I have a fast car and this is a good road.
* I was just trying to get home.
* I was mad at someone.
* My wife's having a baby.
* I was just on my way to do someone a favor.
* I was trying to get away from someone... Road rage.
* The kid was fussing.
* I was just trying this car out.
* I didn't know you were around.
* I've always driven like this.
* I was trying to catch someone.
* I'm just tired and hunting for a place to eat.
* I didn't have my CB on.
* My fuzz buster is broken.
* I never thought I'd get stopped.
* I'm allowed to go ten miles over where I'm from.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-31-2003, 03:25 PM:
Rated G Sue Bee
Taking Steps
During a practical exercise at a military police base,the
instructor was giving the class instruction in unarmed self-
defense.
After he presented a number of different situations in which they might find themselves,he asked a student,"What steps would you take if someone were coming at you with a big,sharp knife?"
The student replied."BIG ones."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-05-2003, 07:11 AM:
Rated PG
A drunk man was casually taking a leak into a drinking fountain in the park.
A police officer came up to him and yelled frantically,"What the hell do you think you're doing?
There's a public toilet 20 yards from here!"
The drunk yells back,"What do you think I have,a fricken' hose?!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-08-2003, 02:41 PM:
Rated G Sue Bee
Returning from a trip to visit my grandmother in Canada,I was
stopped by a state trooper in New York for exceeding the speed
limit.
Grateful to have received a warning instead of a ticket,I gave
him a small bag of my grandmother's delicious chocolate chip
cookies and proceeded on my way.
Later,I was stopped by another trooper."What have I done?" I
asked.
"Nothing," the trooper said, smiling. "I heard you were passing out great chocolate chip cookies."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-11-2003, 06:48 AM:
Rated PG
"Murphy's Laws for Law Enforcement"
1.Bullet Proof'vests aren't.
2.The bigger they are,the harder they fall.They also punch,kick and choke harder too.
3.The speed at which you respond to a fight call is inversely
proportional to how long you've been a cop.
4.Tear gas works on cops too,and regardless of wind direction, will always blow back in your face.
5.High speed chases will always proceed from an area of light
traffic to an area of extremely heavy traffic.
6.If you know someone who tortures animals and wets the bed,
he is either a serial killer or he works for Internal Affairs.
7.Placing a gun back in a shoulder holster with your finger on the trigger will cause you to walk with a limp.
8.Flash hiders don't really.
9.If you have `cleared' all the rooms and met no resistance, you
and your entry team have probably kicked in the door of the wrong house.
10.If a cop swings a baton in a fight,he will hit other cops
more often than he will hit the bad guys he swings at.
11.Domestic arguments will always migrate from an area of few
available weapons (living room),to an area with many available
weapons (kitchen).
12.If you have just punched out a handcuffed prisoner for
spitting at you,you are about to become a star on Eyewitness
News'.
13.Bullets work on veteran cops too.They also work on weight
lifters,martial arts experts,department marksmen,Vice cops,
S.W.A.T.jocks,and others who consider themselves immortal.
14.When a civilian sees a blue light approaching at a high rate of speed,he will always pull into the lane the cop needs to use.
15.If you drive your patrol car to the geometric center of the
Gobi Desert,within five minutes some dumb civilian will pull
along side you and ask for directions.
16.You can never drive slow enough to please the citizens who
don't need a cop,and you can never drive fast enough to please
the ones who do.
17.Any suspect with a rifle is a better shot than any cop with a
pistol.
18.From behind you,the bad guys can see your night sights as
well as you can.
19.On any call,there will always be more bad guys'than there
are good guys,and the farther away your back-up,the more there
will be.
20.The longer you've been a cop,the shorter your flashlight and
your temper gets.
21.Whatever you are about to do,if there is a good chance it
will get you killed,you probably shouldn't do it.
22.You should never do a shotgun search of a dark warehouse with
a cop whose nickname is "Boomer".
23.The better you do your job,the more likely you are to be shot,
injured,complained on,sued,investigated,or subpoenaed on your
day off.
24.If a large group of drunk bikers is "holed-up" in a house,the
Department will send one officer in a beat car.If there is one
biker "holed-up"in a house,they will send the entire S.W.A.T.
Team. ![[Wink]](wink.gif)
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-17-2003, 11:51 AM:
Ratd G "True Police Story"
An off-duty police officer, familiar with radar guns, drove
through a school zone within the legal speed limit when the flash of a camera went off,taking a picture of his license plate.
The officer, thinking the radar was in error,drove by again;
even more slowly. Another flash. He did it again for a third
time,at an even slower speed. Same result.
"This guy must have screwed up the settings," the off-duty officer thought.
A few weeks later,when he received the violations in the mail,he
discovered three traffic tickets:each for not wearing a seat
belt!
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-25-2003, 09:25 AM:
Rated G
A lady was pulled over by a traffic cop for speeding.Of course
she went to the traffic court,and thankfully her fine was reduced to $25.Only one problem plagued her.Her husband didn't
know of the event,and he always examined the checkbook.How could she explain this one?
Suddenly inspiration struck.She made a notation on the check stub,"One pullover,$25."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-27-2003, 10:45 PM:
Rated PG
"But officer," protested the teenage boy from the parked car.
"We were only necking."
"OK," said the cop."just put your neck back in your pants and get
outta here."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-19-2003, 08:58 AM:
Rated PG ....Circle Flies
It's the middle of summer and a Highway Patrolman pulls over a motorist for speeding.While he's writing the ticket,flies keep buzzing around his head,annoying him considerably.
"Circle flies sure are bad this year,aren't they?" says the motorist.
"Yeah," says the patrolman,"if that's what these are,you're sure right.But I've never heard of a circle fly before.What's that?"
"Well," the motorist responds, "circle flies are a species of fly that are particularly partial to horses.Specifically, they tend to circle around a horse's rear end.That's why they call'em
circle flies."
The patrolman,catching the implication,replies,"You don't say. Well, that's very interesting.But it strikes me that you might be trying to call me a horse's ass.You wouldn't be making that kind of implication about an officer of the law,would you?"
"Oh,no sir!" responds the motorist."No, sir,not at all.I have the utmost respect for law enforcement officers,and would never dream of implying that one of them was a horse's ass.No, sir, I'm terribly sorry if that's how it sounded."
"Yeah,I didn't think so,"replied the patrolman.
"Yeah,"the motorist continued,"but there's just no fooling those circle flies,is there?"
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 03-20-2003, 09:29 AM:
What not to say to the nice policeman...
I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on Cops?
So, uh, you on the take or what?
Gee, Officer! That's terrific! The last officer only gave me a warning, too!
Do you know why you pulled me over?
Bad cop! No doughnut!
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 03-20-2003, 09:32 AM:
When I went to get my driver's license renewed, our local motor-vehicle bureau was packed. The line inched along for almost an hour until the man ahead of me finally got his license. He inspected his photo for a moment and commented to the clerk, "I was standing in line so long, I ended up looking pretty grouchy in this picture."
The woman beside him peered over his shoulder, then reassured him, "It's okay. That's how you're going to look when the cops pull you over anyway."
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 03-20-2003, 09:34 AM:
Rated R, for language.
The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had covertly funded a project with the US auto makers for the past five years, whereby the auto makers were installing black boxes in four-wheel drive pickup trucks in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash. They were surprised to find in 47 of the 50 states the last words of drivers in 61.2 percent of fatal crashes were, "Oh, Shit!"
Only the states of South Carolina, West Virginia and Arkansas were different, where over 89.3 percent of the final words were: "Hold my beer and watch this!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-21-2003, 01:38 PM:
Rated R
A murderer, sitting in the electric chair, was about to be executed.
"Have you any last requests? asked the chaplain.
"Yes," replied the murderer. "Will you hold my hand?"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-15-2003, 04:41 PM:
Rated PG Tanya
While I was flying down the road yesterday (only 15 mph over) I
noticed a cop with a radar gun sitting on top of a bridge.
Naturally, he pulled me over,walked up to the car and asked me,"What's the hurry?"
I replied, "I'm late for work."
"Oh yeah," said the cop. "What do you do?"
"I'm a rectum stretcher," I responded.
The cop said, "What?.... A rectum stretcher? What does a rectum
stretcher DO?"
I said, "Well, I start with one finger, then I work
my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then my whole
hand.
Then I work until I can get both hands in there, and then I slowly stretch it until it's about 6 foot wide."
The cop asked me, "What the hell do you do with a 6 foot ass hole?"
I simply replied, "You give him a radar gun and park him on top of a bridge....."
Bail: $100
Ticket: $95
Look on cop's face: Priceless
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 05-02-2003, 09:33 AM:
Rated G
One day a lady was driving on the Highway. She frequently checked her speed gauge to make sure she stayed within the speed limit.
However,when she looked into her rear mirror,much to her dismay, she saw a police car not far behind!And,to make matters worse, the police car turned on his flashing lights.She thought to herself,"Uh-oh,what have I done now? I'm not speeding.I'm not drinking.I have my seat belt on!I have kept up my license dues and everything!"
So, she pulled over and the police car pulled over to the side
right behind hercar. She drove her car slowly to a stop, slowly
rolled down the window,and prepared for a ticket when she knew
she didn't deserve it.
A policeman walked up to her window, and spoke to her.The lady pointed to her ear and shook her head,meaning she was deaf.
The policeman smiled slightly,and knowing sign language,signed back,"I know.I'm here to tell you that your horn isstuck."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 05-12-2003, 02:15 PM:
Rated G
An engineer was stuck and knocked down by a hit-and-run driver.
The police arrived and asked the man if he had gotten the driver's license number.
"Not exactly." he replied. "But I did notice if it were doubled
and then multiplied by itself, the square root of the product was
the same as the original numbers, only with the integers
reversed."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 05-21-2003, 11:53 AM:
Rated PG Louise
I was sitting at a stop light this morning.The lady in front of
me was going through papers on the seat of her car, and when the
light changed to green she did not obey its command - a green
light is a commandment -NOT a suggestion.
When the light turned to red, and she had still not moved, I began (with my windows up) screaming epithets and beating on my steering wheel.
My expressions of distress were interrupted by a policeman, gun
drawn, tapping on my window.
Against my protestations of,"You can't arrest me for hollering in my car," he ordered me into the back seat of his. After about two hours in a holding cell,the arresting officer advised me I was free to go.
I said, "I knew you couldn't arrest me for what I was yelling in
my own car. You haven't heard the last of this."
The officer replied, "I didn't arrest you for shouting in your
car. I was directly behind you at the light. I saw you screaming
and beating your steering wheel, and I said to myself, "What a
jerk. But there is nothing I can do to him for throwing a fit in
his own car. Then I noticed the 'Cross' hanging from your rear
view mirror, the bright yellow 'Choose Life' license tag,
the 'Jesus is Coming Soon' bumper sticker, and the Fish symbol and I thought you must have stolen the car."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 05-30-2003, 03:56 PM:
Rated G
The end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me.
"Is that a dog you got back there?" he asked. "It sure is," I replied.
Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, "What'd he do?"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-04-2003, 07:55 PM:
Rated G
My English professor was stopped for speeding. When asked why she was driving so fast,she quoted Robert Frost: "I have promises to keep and miles to go before I sleep."
"But, Miss," replied the officer, obviously familiar with the poet,"Frost chose the road less traveled,and,unfortunately for you,this wasn't it."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-05-2003, 07:23 AM:
Rated G
My house was robbed so I called the cops and a couple officers
came to take the report.
Officer; Approximately when did it occur?
Me; Sometime in the past twenty-four hours.
Officer; They took everything except your computer?
Me; Yes.
Officer; That's strange. What time did you get back home?
Me; OH, I have been home, but didn't notice it till my computer just went down.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-09-2003, 04:44 PM:
Rated G
Detective (surveying a lineup):
Now each of you repeat the words, "Give me all your money or I'll shoot."
Suspect in the lineup: That's not what I said!
Posted by Bill Gabel (Member # 1105) on 06-10-2003, 05:34 PM:
Rated PG
What Not to Say to The Police
[LIST]
1) I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.(OK in Texas)
2) Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
3) Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
4) Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me.
5) Are you Andy or Barney?
6) I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
7) You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
8) I pay your salary!
9) Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!
10) Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
11) I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.
12) When the Officer says "Gee Son...Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with , "Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-11-2003, 09:41 AM:
Rated G Sue Bee
In the days of the Old West, bar fights would often spill over
into the street and before anyone knew what happened, it was
a full-scale riot.In one such town, the Mayor wired the Texas
Rangers for help.On the next train, a Ranger gets off and is
greeted by the astonished Mayor. "They only sent one Ranger ???"
The Ranger straightened his hat,brushed the dust from his coat,
and replied, "Y'all only got one riot, right?"
Note: Must have sent Cordell Walker
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-12-2003, 11:44 AM:
Rated G : Michele
Hand-printed sign posted in a traffic court:
"Don't complain, think of all the tickets you have deserved but
didn't get."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-12-2003, 12:25 PM:
Rated G Michele
Two police officers saw an old woman staggering down the street.
They stopped her and decided she had had far too much to drink, soinstead of taking her to jail they offered to drive her home.
The cops loaded her into the police cruiser and one of the officers gotin the back seat with the drunk woman.
As they drove through the streets they kept asking the woman where she lived, but all she would say as she stroked the officers arm is: "You're Passionate."
They drove a while longer and asked again, but again the same
response as she stroked his arm: "You're Passionate."
The officers were getting a little upset so they stopped the car
and said to the woman, "Look we have driven around this city for
two hours and you still haven't told us where you live."
The drunk lady replied, "I keep trying to tell you, "You're
Passin' It!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-29-2003, 09:05 AM:
Rated G Sue Bee
Police Dept's Office Answering Machine
Hello, you have reached the Police Dept's Voice Mail. Pay close
attention as we have to update the choices often as new and usual
circumstances arrive. Please select one of the following options:
To whine about us not doing anything to solve a problem that you
created yourself, press 1.
To inquire as to whether someone has to die before we'll do
something about a problem, press 2.
To report an officer for bad manners, when in reality the officer
is trying to keep your neighborhood safe, press 3.
If you would like us to raise your children, press 4.
If you would like us to take control of your life due to your
chemical dependency or alcohol, press 5.
If you would like us to instantly restore order to a situation
that took years to deteriorate, press 6.
To provide a list of officers you personally know so we will not
take enforcement action against you, press 7.
To sue us, or tell us you pay our salary and you'll have our
badge, or to proclaim our career is over, press 8.
To whine about a ticket and/or complain about the many other uses
for police rather than keeping your dumb ass in line, press 9.
Please note your call may be monitored to assure proper customer
support and remember.....we're here to save your ass,
NOT kiss it!
Thanks for calling your local police dept. and have a nice day.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 07-06-2003, 11:00 AM:
Rated G
NEVER SAY TO A COP
1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas)
2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
3.Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!
5. Are You Andy or Barney?
6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
8. I pay your salary!
9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a
warning, too!
10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.
12. When the Officer says "Gee Son....Your eyes look red, have you beendrinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with,"Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 07-08-2003, 08:13 AM:
Rated G
- While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school,I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old.
Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, "Are you a cop?"
"Yes," I answered and continued writing the report.
"My mother said if I ever needed help, I should ask the police. Is that right?"
"Yes, that's right," I told her. "Well, then," she said as she extended her foot toward me, "would you please tie my shoe?"
Posted by Scott Norwood (Member # 30) on 07-08-2003, 02:22 PM:
Rated G
Date: Tue, 1 Jul 2003 04:20:35 -0400 (EDT)
From: danny burstein <dannyb@panix.com>
Subject: Watch out for auto-dialing on cellphones
RISKS has previously pointed out the awkwardness that can result from inadvertently tapping an auto-dial button on a cellphone. We now have a burgler who will now have quite a bit of spare time to study RISKS.
Per the *NY Post* article, excerpts attached:
"It seems Boylan accidentally hit the redial button on his cell phone during a burglary - providing the break-in victim with a voice-mail recording of the crime in progress, said Detective Lt. Steve Skrynecki.
"Before the 3:20 a.m. burglary on Sunday, Boylan had called the victim's girlfriend on her cell and spoke to the victim, the detective said.
"Somehow, Boylan "inadvertently hit the redial on his cell phone" while he and his buddy ransacked the house and chatted as they grabbed a video-game player, game cartridges, a remote-controlled car and an antique bayonet, Skrynecki said.
"They had no idea their crime-scene commentary was being recorded on the girlfriend's voice mail, Skrynecki said.
http://nypost.com/news/regionalnews/2178.htm
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 07-24-2003, 12:20 PM:
Rated G Michele
A state trooper stopped Jill for going 15 miles over the speed
limit.
After he handed her a ticket, Jill asked, "Don't you give out
warnings?"
"Yes, Ma'am," he replied. They're all up and down the road. They
say, 'Speed limit 65.'"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 07-28-2003, 07:36 AM:
Rated G Michele
A sign on Washington's Route 8, featuring an illustration of a
police car with lights flashing, reads, "If you drink and drive,
we'll provide the chasers."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 07-31-2003, 07:26 AM:
Rated G Sue Bee
The traffic cop stopped the woman for a minor traffic violation.
After examining her driver's license in silence for a moment he
said, "You know something, this is one of the finest, most
realistic pictures I've ever seen. I'm glad to see you aren't one of those vain women who have their photos retouched to remove all the lines in their face,"
"Sir," she replied icily, "you are looking at my thumb-print."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 08-20-2003, 02:56 PM:
Rated X
An Hispanic in Phoenix has his car stolen. He doesn't report it
for 7 days.
When he finally goes to the police station to report, the officer in charge says that since the loss occured over 7 days ago the vehicle is probably over the border and stripped for parts.
The Hispanic was heard to mutter as he left the station . . .
. . ." Damn Fucking Canadians".
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 08-26-2003, 07:38 AM:
Rated G Michele
One night,a lady stumbled into the police station with a black
eye.She claimed she heard a noise in her back yard and went to
investigate.The next thing she knew, she was hit in the eye and
knocked out cold.An officer was sent to her house to investigate,and he returned 1-1/2 hours later with a black eye.
"Did you get hit by the same person?" his captain asked.
"No," he replied. "I stepped on the same rake."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 09-02-2003, 11:31 AM:
Rated PG
A woman pulls up to a red light behind one other car. She notices the driver of the car in front of her is talking on his cell phone and appears to be shuffling through some papers on the seat beside him.
The light turns green, but the man doesn't notice. The woman waits, but the man still doesn't notice the light change. The woman begins pounding on her steering wheel and yelling at the man to move. The man doesn't move.
The woman is going ballistic inside her car, ranting and raving atthe man, pounding on her steering wheel and dash. The light turns yellow. The woman begins to blow the car horn and scream curses at the man.
The man hearing the commotion, looks up, sees the yellow light and accelerates through the intersection just as the light turns red.
The woman is beside herself, screaming in frustration as she misses her chance to get through the intersection.
As she is still in mid-rant she hears a tap on her window and looks up into the barrel of a gun held by a very serious looking policeman.
The policeman tells her to shut off her car while keeping both hands in sight.
She complies, speechless at what is happening.
After she shuts off the engine the policeman orders her to exit her car with her hands up. She gets out of the car and he orders her to turn and place her hands on her car. She turns, places her hands on the car roof and quickly is cuffed and hustled into the patrol car.
She is too bewildered by the chain of events to ask any questions.
She is driven to the police station where she is fingerprinted,photographed, searched, booked and placed in a cell.
After a couple of hours a policeman approaches the cell and opens the door for her.She is escorted back to the booking desk where the original officer is waiting with her personal effects.
He hands her the bag containing her things, and says, "I'm really sorry for this mistake. But you see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn and cussing a blue streak at the car in front of you. Then I noticed the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday School' bumper sticker, and the chrome plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk. So naturally I assumed you had stolen the car."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 09-04-2003, 08:01 AM:
Rated G Lainey
First Convict: I heard the Warden's daughter up and married a
guy down on Cellblock D. The Warden's mighty upset about it too.
Second Convict: Why? Because she married a con?
First Convict: No. Because they eloped!
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 09-12-2003, 10:18 AM:
Rated G Lorraine
Two highway patrolmen stop a driver for speeding on the state
highway in Waxahachie, Texas.As they are writing up the ticket,
one trooper turns to the other and asks,"How do you spell
Waxahachie?"
The other one replies, "I don't know."
"What are we going to do?" the first one asks."If we spell it
wrong, the judge will dismiss the charge."
"Well," says his partner,"why don't we just let him go and stop
him again when he gets to Waco?"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 09-15-2003, 01:38 PM:
Rated PG Michele
To puritanical Americans, the mere hint of sex might seem like an emergency.Folks have called 911 to complain that their neighbor's bed is "squeaking too damn loud."And another caller complained,"There is a snow sculpture outside my apartment [with] gross exaggeration of certain male parts we all find obscene."
Other Americans encounter 911 with their pants down and their
dignity flapping in the breeze.
One unfortunate fellow got stuck in the swimming pool while
seeking sexual pleasure from the vacuum intake line. That suction turned out to be a little too strong.
A security guard called 911 laughing hysterically, telling the
dispatcher: "He's got his privates stuck in the pump line! He's
been in there for three hours... it's got to be shriveled up like hell."
The dispatcher says: "You're the night clerk. You can't keep
laughing."
The rescue was called "Free Willy."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 09-17-2003, 02:21 PM:
Rated G Michele
One should remember that calling 911 is sometimes a public service,done for the benefit of others.One elderly male caller
reported,"There's a woman over here doing some yard work in one
of thong bikinis."
"Sir," said an exasperated dispatcher,"911 is an emergency
number.What do you expect the police to do about a woman in a
thong bikini?"
"Nothing," the guy said,"Just thought you fellows would like to
know."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 09-23-2003, 08:40 AM:
Rated G KNJ
Returning home from a movie, two friends and I were stopped by a
police officer. As my friend Jeff handed his licence and
registration over, he asked if he had been speeding. "You were
doing just under 70 in a 60 zone, but I'm not going to give you a ticket," the officer said. We were puzzled when he asked Jeff to open the trunk, and more puzzled when he asked Jeff to go around to the back of the car with him."I've got a burnt out taillight,"the officer stated.
"Oh, no! Not again!" Jeff exclaimed. "I just replaced one a few
weeks ago."
"No, no," the officer corrected. "I've got a burnt out taillight
on a car exactly the same as this, and I was wondering if you'd
show me how to change it."
From the Reader's Digest
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-21-2003, 01:23 AM:
Rated PG Michele
A guy was stopped by a policeman for speeding, and does a lot of
pleading, trying to get out of the ticket. The policeman says
"Okay, I'll ask you a question. If you answer correctly, I'll
forget about the ticket!"
"Agreed!" answers the speeder.
"You're driving at night, and two lights appear in front of you.
What is it?"
"That's easy! It's a car!"
"Sure! But, what kind of car? Is it a Ford? Is it a Chevy? Is it
a Saab, what?" says the policeman, and begins to write the ticket.
"Wait! Give me another chance!" begs the guy.
"Okay, but this is your last chance! You fail to answer - you get
the ticket!"
"Fair enough."
"You're driving at night, and a light appears in front of you.
What is it?"
"That's easy! It's a motorcycle!"
"Sure! But, what kind of bike? Is it a Honda? A Suzuki? A Harley?"
"How the hell should I know!" answered the guy, exasperatedly.
"Sorry, you're getting the ticket!" responded the officer.
"Yeah, well okay. But let me ask you a question too then."
"Go ahead."
"You see a bare breasted woman standing at the curve, bargaining
with clients, what is it?" asks the guy.
"Oh, that's easy!" replies the officer. "It's a hooker!"
"Sure! But, what kind of hooker? Is it your mother? Is it your
sister? Or is it your daughter?"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-22-2003, 03:37 PM:
Rated G Michele
Our new office computer system was down as much as it was working.My co-worker Cathy decided to stay late one evening to catch up on the work that had accumulated. On her way home,a police officer stopped her for speeding. "What a perfect end to an awful day!"she exclaimed."Our computer is up,then down -- up, then down.I stay late to catch up,and now this!"
The officer was unaffected by Cathy's griping, and he went to his car to prepare a citation.After what seemed an eternity, he returned with her license and registration.As he handed them to her,he smiled and said,"Our computer is down."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-08-2003, 02:56 PM:
Rated G Michele
As team leader of the Police Tactics and Rescue Unit, I directed
officers late one night to strategic positions around a building
where a dangerous suspect was hiding. Believing the culprit to be on the roof, I decided to have an officer shine his flash-light in that direction on my command.
At just the right moment, I whispered to him, "Okay, throw a light on the roof."
The officer hurled his flashlight to the top of the building.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-06-2004, 06:39 AM:
Rated G
A rabbi and his two friends, a priest and a minister,played poker for small stakes once a week.The only problem was that they lived in a very conservative blue-law town.The sheriff raided their game and took all three before the local judge.
After listening to the sheriff's story, the judge sternly inquired of the priest: "Were you gambling,Father?"
The priest looked toward heaven, whispered,"Oh, Lord,forgive
me!" and then said aloud:"No, your honor,I was not gambling."
"Were you gambling,Reverend?" the judge asked the minister.
The minister repeated the priest's actions and said,"No,your
honor,I wasn't."
Turning to the third clergyman,the judge asked:"Were you
gambling,Rabbi?"
The Rabbi eyed him coolly and replied. . . "With whom?
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-06-2004, 08:50 AM:
Rated G
Did you hear what the dyslexic Highway Patrolman did on New
Year's?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
He spent the whole night handing out I.U.D.'s
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-10-2004, 08:57 PM:
Rated G
Michele
Police Officer O'Leary is cruising around in his patrol car one
night.He is on the lookout for trouble.He sees two little old
ladies in the front seat of a Chevrolet convertible, parked in
"Honest John's" used car lot.The car lot is closed,so O'Leary
drives up alongside the Chevy and asks,"Are you two ladies trying to steal this car?"
"Certainly not," says one of the ladies, "we purchased the car
this afternoon."
"Well," says the cop,"why don't you start it up and drive out of here?"
"We don't drive," replies the other little old lady. "And besides we are waiting. e were told that if we bought a car here we would get screwed."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-30-2004, 10:12 AM:
Rated G Michele
How to avoid being shot by the Police
This is NOT Rocket Science... Although some treat it as such.
Recently,in an area on the East Coast, an inordinate number of
police-officer-involved shootings have taken place.As a result,
several suspects have been fatally injured.Newspapers in the
area, quoting local "community activists," have editorialized
that,with all these shootings by police,"any citizen" could find himself dodging police bullets,for no apparent reason at all.
Responding to the newspaper editorial,a Los Angeles Deputy
District Attorney,who is obviously community minded,submitted a
five-point plan.The plan is designed to assist citizens,who
might otherwise be randomly shot by police, in staying out of the path of police bullets.The newspaper never printed it,but I
thought you might appreciate it,even if they didn't:
I've devised a five-point plan to help citizens avoid being shot by police.This plan may not prevent all shootings,but very few will take place when the plan is rigorously adhered to.
Here are the rules:
1. DON'T COMMIT VIOLENT CRIMES
It seems elementary,but this rule is lost on many.They do the
crime,get shot,and then wonder how it could possibly happen.
They whine that it is so unfair.Well,violent crime,like jumping
in front of moving cars,is just a high-risk occupation,and,in
case you missed it,committing a violent crime makes police
officers think you might not be a good person.
2. If you ignore rule No. 1, and the police confront you,DON'T RUN AWAY FROM THEM
I know it's hard to believe,but that may make them think you're
guilty of something.Hiding in bushes or closets makes some cops
(mostly older ones) very nervous.They might even foolishly
conclude that you're up to no good.
3. If you disregard rules 1 and 2,and the cops catch up with you anyway and inform you that you are under arrest,DON'T MAKE FAST MOVEMENTS WITH YOUR HANDS
I know it sounds silly,but grabbing a shiny beer can,a dark-
colored wallet,or one of those snazzy and real-looking replica
guns may make police officers mistakenly believe that you are
about to hurt them.
4. If you disregard rules 1, 2, and 3,and manage to get what
looks like a deadly weapon into your hands,DON'T POINT IT AT THE COPS
We all know that you're basically a nice person, but that may be
lost on the police officers confronting you. In their paranoia,
they may even believe they need to protect themselves.
5. If you disregard rules 1, 2, 3, and 4,DON'T BE ASTONISHED IF THE COPS DO NOT INSTANTLY TURN INTO YOUR PERSONAL CONFIDANTE
They may be too preoccupied to realize that you're normally a
splendid person and that you're just having a bad day.They may be too preoccupied to see that when you point a weapon at them in a threatening manner,it is just your way of crying out for help.We both know that the whole problem can be traced to the fact that your mother didn't breast feed you,but some police officers are so cynical they just don't see it.
So,there you have it.If you really apply yourself and obey even
some of the rules listed above,I bet you'll avoid the vast
majority of police gunfire.
And if you don't...... A crafty lawyer can make you,(if you
survive) or your family "VERY" rich!!! Welcome to America!
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-02-2004, 11:12 AM:
Rated G
A state trooper stopped Jill for going 15 miles over the speed
limit.
After he handed her a ticket, Jill asked, "Don't you give out
warnings?"
"Yes, Ma'am," he replied. They're all up and down the road. They
say, 'Speed limit 70.'"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-10-2004, 12:55 PM:
Rated G Michele
A judge was annoyed to find that his car wouldn't start. He called a taxi, and soon one arrived at his house. Climbing in, he told the driver to take him to the halls of justice. "Where are they?" asked the driver.
"You mean to say that you don't know where the courthouse is?"
asked the incredulous judge.
"The courthouse? Of course I know where that is." replied the
driver. "But I thought you said you wanted to go to the 'halls of justice.'"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-12-2004, 08:40 PM:
Rated G Denny in Yonkers
Hello,you have reached the Police Dept's Voice Mail.Pay close attention as we have to update the choices often as new and usual circumstances arrive.Please select one of the following options:
To whine about us not doing anything to solve a problem that you
created yourself, press 1.
To inquire as to whether someone has to die before we'll do
something about a problem, press 2.
To report an officer for bad manners, when in reality the officer is trying to keep your neighborhood safe, press 3.
If you would like us to raise your children, press 4.
If you would like us to take control of your life due to your
chemical dependency or alcohol, press 5.
If you would like us to instantly restore order to a situation
that took years to deteriorate, press 6.
To provide a list of officers you personally know so we will not
take enforcement action against you, press 7.
To sue us, or tell us you pay our salary and you'll have our
badge, or to proclaim our career is over, press 8.
To whine about a ticket and/or complain about the many other uses for police rather than keeping your dumb ass in line,press 9.
Please note your call may be monitored to assure proper customer
support and remember.....we're here to save your ass,NOT kiss it!
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-05-2004, 09:29 PM:
Rated G
A trainee for the New York Police Department, was asked the
following hypothetical question: "If your beat was a lonely path
in Central Park,and a beautiful young girl rushed up to you and
declared that a strange man with a film-tech shirt had suddenly grabbed her,and hugged and kissed her,what would you do?"
The police-officer-in-training replied without hesitation, "I
would endeavor to reconstruct the crime."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-23-2004, 01:11 PM:
Rated G
An honest man is being tailgated by a stressed-out woman on a busyboulevard.Suddenly,the light turns yellow,just in front of him.He does the honest thing,and stops at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.
The tailgating woman hits the roof,and the horn,screaming in
frustration as she misses her chance to get through the intersection with him.
As she is still in mid-rant, she hears a tap on her window and looks upinto the face of a very serious police officer.The officer orders her to exit her car with her hands up.He takes herto the police station where she is searched,fingerprinted, photographed,and placed in a cell.After a couple of hours, a policeman approachesthe cell and opens the door. She is escorted back to the booking deskwhere the arresting officer is waiting with her personal effects.
He says, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled-up behindyour car while you were blowing your horn,flipping the bird to the guyin front of you and cussing a blue streak at him.I noticed your "ChooseLife" license plate holder, the "What would Jesus Do" bumper sticker, the"Follow Me to Sunday School" bumper sticker, and the chrome plated"Christian fish" emblem on the trunk.
He shrugged. "Naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 05-06-2004, 09:41 PM:
Rated G
A drunken man was casually peeing into a drinking fountain in the park. A police officer comes up to him and yells frantically.
"What the hell do you think your doing. There's a public toilet 20 feet from here!"
The man, amazed, yells back. "What do you think I have, a hose?"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 05-10-2004, 12:59 PM:
Rated G
Gale-force winds and frigid temperatures had taken their toll: Snapped electric wires were sparking and snaking about the snowdrifts. As a foot patrolman, I was assigned to a desolate intersection to provide security at the scene of a downed wire.
It was 12:40 a.m. and -19 degrees when I relieved the initial guardian of this dangerous area. He pointed out the thin line swinging ferociously from the main electric circuit, as he entered the squad car for his return to warmth. I pulled my coat collar up to my earmuffs and took up my position to protect the public. Finally, at 5:40 a.m., a utility truck arrived. The linemen checked the wires, then, laughing, descended toward me.
"Well, Officer," one of them said, "congratulations. You've successfully guarded a frozen kite string all night."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 05-10-2004, 01:10 PM:
Rated G
YOU'VE WORKED FOR THE POLICE DEPT. TOO LONG WHEN:
You have the bladder capacity of three people.
You believe that 25% of people are a waste of protoplasm.
Your idea of a good time is an armed robbery at shift change.
You've asked Santa for an automatic weapon.
You request a criminal history on anyone who seems friendly towards you.
Discussing dismemberment over a gourmet meal seems perfectly normal.
You own Kevlar underwear.
You find humor in other's stupidity.
You believe in aerial spraying of PROZAC.
You buy black leather for reasons other than home entertainment.
You know "GOING POSTAL" doesn't mean mailing a letter.
You believe that "ugly in public" should be grounds for arrest.
You believe that some people should have to get a permit to reproduce.
You fear the outcome if someone comments, "Boy it sure is quiet."
You own at least five pairs of mirrored glasses.
You've ever wanted to fence off part of your city and turn it into a prison.
You believe that "too stupid to live" should be a valid verdict.
You have ever had to put the caller on hold before you started laughing.
You wanted to hold a seminar entitled "Suicide, get it right the first time."
You have ever heard a Sergeant say, "Who's in charge of this mess, anyway."
You paid more for your sidearm than you did for your car.
It occurs to you that you are policing "The Twilight Zone."
You find out a lot about paranoia just by following people around.
You refer to your work as "collecting garbage."
You think of politicians, lawyers and disease causing bacteria as the same life form.
You think that if you weren't meant to drive fast, they wouldn't have given you a car with lights and sirens.
You believe it's not a good death unless it causes overtime.
You haven't seen it all - just all the sick parts.
You have trouble differentiating between counsel and client.
You believe that everyone's IQ drops by 50% when they get behind the wheel of a car.
You know that Miranda wasn't a dancer.
You don't see daylight from November to May.
People shout, "I didn't do it!" when you walk into a room, because they think it's funny and original.
You believe strongly in involuntary sterilization.
You believe in a "public stupidity" law, for those cases where nothing else fits.
You are beginning to like the smell of pepper spray in the evening air.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-09-2004, 05:16 AM:
Rated G
My English professor was stopped for speeding. When asked why she was driving so fast, she quoted Robert Frost: "I have promises to keep and miles to go before I sleep."
"But, Miss," replied the officer, obviously familiar with the poet, "Frost chose the road less traveled, and, unfortunately for you, this wasn't it."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-23-2004, 11:08 AM:
Rated G
New York: As a female shopper exited a convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher.
Within minutes, the police had apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the cruiser and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID.
To which he replied, "Yes Officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-29-2004, 10:11 AM:
Rated PG Michele
An old man gets pulled over for drunk driving.
Upon arrival at the mans car the Cop says, "Step out of the car please."
The old man handed the cop his beer bottle and announced, "I don't think I can...you get on in here!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-02-2004, 12:37 PM:
Rated G
Real 911 Calls, "BELIEVE" it or not!!
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner.
Dispatcher: Do you have an address?
Caller: No, I'm wearing a blouse and slacks, why?
~~~~~~~~
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and cheese sandwich.
Dispatcher: Excuse me?
Caller: I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had taken a bite out of it.
Dispatcher: Was anything else taken?
Caller: No, but this has happened to me before and I'm sick and tired of it.
~~~~~~~~
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: Hi, is this the police?
Dispatcher: This is 9-1-1. Do you need police assistance?
Caller: Well, I don't know who to call. Can you tell me how to cook a turkey? I've never cooked one before.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-16-2004, 02:48 PM:
Rated G Pete
At 7:15 one morning, I responded to a break-and-enter call at a local thrift shop. An employee had reported that when she went into the back room, a male voice had said "peekaboo!" When I arrived, she was still on the phone with our dispatcher, looking apprehensive. I checked the entire store before a second police officer arrived. Together, we searched again, even more thoroughly. Nothing.
Baffled, I went back to the storeroom. This time, instead of using my flashlight, I turned on the light. "Peekaboo!" said a male voice, and I spotted the culprit: a toy Big Bird programmed to say "peekaboo!" when the light was turned on.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-22-2004, 12:06 PM:
Rated G
I am a deputy sheriff assigned to courthouse security. As part of my job, I explain court procedures to visitors. One day I was showing a group of ninth-graders around. Court was in recess and only the clerk and a young man in custody wearing handcuffs were in the courtroom.
"This is where the judge sits," I began, pointing to the bench. "The lawyers sit at these tables. The court clerk sits over there. The court recorder, or stenographer, sits over here. Near the judge is the witness stand and over there is where the jury sits.
"As you can see," I finished, "there are a lot of people involved in making this system work."
At that point, the prisoner raised his cuffed hands and said, "Yeah, but I'm the one who makes it all happen."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-31-2004, 05:53 PM:
Rated PG Michele
Los Angeles Police Department Report Phrases & What They Really Mean...
While on routine patrol... I was in the car because the donut shop was closed.
The motorist was operating his vehicle in a reckless manner... He had a bumper sticker that said "SLOW DOWN--DON'T FEED THE PIGS"
The accident scene and the safety of the victims prevented this officer from doing traffic control... It was raining.
This officer went out-of-service to obtain intelligence information from a street informant... It was too hot to ride in the car.
I observed the suspect acting in a suspicious manner... The dirt- bag let go with an 'Oink' as I drove by.
The members of the press at the scene were offered every courtesy within departmental policies... I sent them to a non-existent address which I called the 'Command Post'.
I gave the motorist a verbal warning for speeding... She was a good-looking blonde who owned a liquor store and who was free after my shift was over.
Further interview of the witnesses was impossible, due to conditions. Tonight is my bowling night...
Using only enough force to restrain the subject... It was a repeat of the "Rodney King Incident" only this time there were no cameras present.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-13-2005, 01:59 PM:
Rated G Michele
Your Honor," she told the judge, "I want a divorce. My husband has been cheating on me.
"That is a serious accusation," the judge said. "Do you have any evidence to substantiate this claim of your husband's infidelity?"
"Yes, Your Honor. Just last night I was walking down Broadway when I saw him go into a movie with another woman."
"Who was this other woman?" the judge asked.
"I don't know. I never saw her before." "Then why didn't you follow them into the theatre and find out who she was. It may have been just a harmless coincidence. You should have gone in after them."
"I would have," she explained, "but the fellow I was with had already seen the picture."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-07-2005, 11:42 AM:
Rated G
A frightened man dialed 911 to report an assault.
"I was coming in the back door," said the man to the dispatcher, "when I was struck on the head from behind. Luckily, I was able to get into the house and lock the door. Please send help right away!"
After advisng him to stay calm, the dispatcher sent a rookie cop to investigate. A half hour later the rookie returns to the station and is sporting a large bump on his head.
"Well, that was fast work," remarked the police chief.
"How did you do it?"
"It was easy, chief," replied the rookie, rubbing his sore head... "I stepped on the rake, too."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-15-2005, 02:08 PM:
Rated PG
Two guy's were walking along the road in Georgia when they were struck by a police car driven by a drunken cop.
One guy was thrown through the windshield and his buddy was knocked down an embankment.
The first guy was charged with breaking and entering and the second with leaving the scene of an accident.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-24-2005, 01:05 PM:
Rated G Uncle Bubba
"What am I supposed to do with this?" grumbled a motorist as the policeman handed him a speeding ticket.
"Keep it," the cop said, "when you collect four of them you get a bicycle."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-11-2005, 01:53 PM:
Rated G
German police are warning that pickpockets are stooping to new lows by robbing people while they are on the toilet.
In the latest case the thief struck as a man was using a public restroom in a shopping mall.
The thief, in this case believed to be a woman, slipped her hand under the wall of the cubicle and removed the wallet from the man's trousers, which were around his ankles.
The man, who lost about $50 in the robbery, said he was unable to race after the pickpocket immediately "given the situation" and the fact his trousers were around his ankles.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-14-2005, 09:47 AM:
Rated G Eric
One night while on police patrol, I stopped an old car: The muffler was defective, one headlight was out and the rear licence- plate light was not working. With ticket book in hand, ready to write up the violations, I advised the man why he had been stopped.
He immediately jumped out, ran around to the front and looked at he headlights; then got down on all fours and looked under the car; then ran around to the rear and checked the licence-plate light. Finally he jumped back in his car, thanked me--and drove off.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-16-2005, 11:06 AM:
Rated G
At the scene of a bank heist, the police sergeant came running up to his inspector and said, "He got away sir!"
The inspector roared, "But I told you to put a man at each exit! How could he have gotten away?"
The sergeant replied, "He left by one of the entrances, sir!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-23-2005, 09:27 PM:
Rated G
Stop the drunk driver
A cop pulls a guy over for weaving across two lanes of traffic.
He walks up to the drivers window and asks, "You drinkin'?"
The driver said, "You buyin'?"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-26-2005, 11:51 AM:
Rated G
On a long drive from Virginia, I thought I was traveling at a reasonable speed, but the flashing blue lights in my rearview mirror made me realize that I'd been over the limit.
I handed the officer my license and made small talk while my wife dug through the glove compartment for the registration.
"I'm usually very careful about my speed," I told him as my wife handed me the paperwork. The officer studied it and then gave it back.
"Sir," he said gruffly, "this is not your registration."
It was a warning ticket I had received for speeding in South Carolina.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-29-2005, 01:30 PM:
Rated G
A police officer came by my office to inquire if an older woman might have been driving my car which he saw parked outside.
I said that my mother had recently driven it.
The officer informed that he thought mine was the car he pulled over for speeding.
He said that as he prepared to write the ticket, the lady asked him if he would "pinch his mother".
He answered that he would do so if she was speeding. With that my mother extended her arm, asked him to pinch it,
and implored him not to give her a ticket.
It worked, he said.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-26-2005, 07:40 AM:
Rated G
Police in San Diego are searching for a gunman who swiped a bag of poop from a woman out walking her dog.
The woman told police that she was out walking her dog, Pewee, on Friday night when a man in his 20s ran up behind her and grabbed the bag she was holding.
When the gunman discovered what was in it, he threw it down in disgust and ran to a waiting car and fled the scene, police said.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-27-2005, 10:32 AM:
Rated G
The cop was on the witness stand. "I could see him in the middle of the road on his hands and knees."
"Your honor," interrupted the lawyer. "Just because a man is in the middle of the road on his hands and knees at midnight is no sign that he is drunk."
"What the attorney says is quite true," agreed the cop. "But the defendant was trying to roll up the while line."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 07-07-2005, 11:01 AM:
Rated G B.B.
I had received an early morning call from the hospital that my wife had been moved to intensive care. As I sped down the nearly empty highway, I spotted flashing red lights in my rearview mirror. I pulled over. "Good morning, sir," said the officer. "You appear to be in quite a hurry." Quickly I explained the situation.
"Why are you wasting time?" he asked. "Get on your way, slow down, and good luck."
Four days later I was again en route to the hospital, travelling within the speed limit. Again I was pulled over. The policeman approached."Don't get out of the car," he said."How's
your wife?"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 08-12-2005, 11:57 AM:
Rated G
A Police Car arrived at a hit and run scene.
The first policeman says to the second, "Write: Body on the road, hands on the road, legs on the road, head on the pavement."
The other policeman thinks for a moment, then asks, "How do you spell pavement?"
So the first policeman looks around nervously then kicks the head and says, "Head on the road."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 08-12-2005, 02:53 PM:
Rated G
If you're a cop...Ways NOT To Start Your Police Report:
1. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times ...
2.The names contained in this report have been changed to protect the innocent ...
3.The mayor then made an illegal left hand turn onto Mulraney at which point I opened fire ...
4.Before I get into the details, I've got a few "shout- outs" for my homeys in the command staff ...
5. It was so dark and wet that night you could almost eat the mist. The radio call penetrated the eerie silence with such piercing intensity that for a moment, I was sure I'd lost my mind ...
6.Got call. Responded. Arrested bad guy. The end.
7.Mye pertnar an eye wher on petrol wen we seen a man act suspishushly...
8.The suspect then tried to assault me by repeatedly slamming his face into my fist ...
9.A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away ...
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 08-14-2005, 05:45 AM:
Rated G
"Word to the wise: "Long ago, in a galaxy far, far away ..." is a good way to start a story -- unless, of course, the story is being told to a cop and it's about where your pants are."
Cpl. Dustin E.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 08-17-2005, 09:40 AM:
Rated G
"You Are Under Arrest And...."
1. No, I DON'T KNOW who you are.
2. No, I don't CARE who you know.
3. Yes, you DO pay my salary.
4. Yes, you CAN have my job.
5. NO, I don't have anything better to do.
6. Yes, I do arrest REAL CRIMINALS sometimes.
7. No, I am not picking on you because you are
(fill in ethnic group.)
8. No, I CAN'T give you a break.
9. No, I DON'T KNOW your friend Officer
(fill in the name.)
10. YES, you will be allowed to make a phone call.
11. Yes, you probably will NEVER DO IT AGAIN.
12. No, WE CAN'T talk about it.
13. Yes, it does MAKE ME HAPPY.
14. Yes, you WILL SEE ME IN COURT.
...YOUR ARRESTING OFFICER
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 08-17-2005, 09:42 AM:
Rated G
A City Policeman went up to a vendor selling toys and said, "I'm sorry, you can't sell that stuff without a license."
The peddler replied, "Oh, ok, thanks, I knew I wasn't selling any, but I didn't know the reason."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 08-17-2005, 03:37 PM:
Rated G
A guy was in court charged with parking in a restricted area. The judge asked him if he had anything to say in his defense.
"They shouldn't put up such misleading notices," said the guy. "It said `FINE FOR PARKING HERE`."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 08-24-2005, 01:03 PM:
Rated G
George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.
George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.
He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and he said "no." Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available.
George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again. "Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now cause I've just shot them all." Then he hung up.
Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response unit, and an
ambulance showed up at the Phillips residence and caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the Policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"
George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"
Posted by Dieter Depypere (Member # 3184) on 08-24-2005, 03:25 PM:
Rated G
A farmer calls the police "My donkey died."
Police: Why are you calling us for?
Farmer: If someone dies you oughta tell his relatives....
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 08-24-2005, 04:18 PM:
Rated PG
The scene was a tiny mountain village in a remote section of West Virginia. An old mountaineer and his young wife were getting a divorce in the local court. But custody of the children was a problem.
The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she had brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.
The old mountaineer also wanted custody of the children. The judge asked for his side of the story and, after a long moment of silence, the mountaineer slowly rose from his chair and said:
"Judge, when I put a quarter in a candy machine and a candy bar comes out, does it belong to me or the machine?"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 09-14-2005, 10:22 AM:
Rated PG
Police Warning
Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties and local pubs, to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman.
Many females use a date rape drug on the market called "Beer" to target unsuspecting men. The drug is generally found in liquid form and is now available almost anywhere. It comes in bottles, in cans, from taps, and in large "kegs."
Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and have sex with them. Typically, a woman needs only to persuade a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no-strings-attached sex. Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several beers, men will often succumb to desires to perform sexual acts on horrific-looking women to whom they would never normally be attracted. After drinking Beer, men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that "something bad" occurred.
At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life savings, in a familiar scam known as "A Relationship." It has been reported that in extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer-term form of servitude and punishment referred to as "Marriage." Apparently, men are much more susceptible to this scam after Beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females.
Please forward this warning to every male you know. (And women with a sense of humor!) If you fall victim to this insidious Beer and the predatory women administering it, there are male support groups with venues in every town where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter in an open and frank manner with similarly affected, like-minded guys.
For the support group nearest you, just look up "Golf Courses" in the yellow pages.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 09-21-2005, 08:32 AM:
Rated PG
A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk."
Our wasted friend asked, "Officer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?"
"Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go."
Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness, I thought I was crippled."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 09-27-2005, 09:40 AM:
Rated R
Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car which said: "TWO PROSTITUTES -- $50.00."
A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and told them they'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail.
Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying: "JESUS SAVES."
One of the girls asked the cop: "How come you don't stop them?!"
"Well, that's a little different," the cop smiled. "Their sign pertains to religion."
So the two ladies of the night frowned as they took their sign down and drove off.
The following day found the same cop in the area when he noticed the two ladies driving around with a large sign on their car again. Figuring he had an easy arrest, he began to catch up with them when he noticed the new sign which now read:
"TWO ANGELS SEEKING PETER -- $50.00."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 09-27-2005, 09:43 AM:
Rated PG Brandon
Laws of Law Enforcement
1. Bullet Proof vests aren't.
2. The bigger they are, the harder they fall. They also punch, kick and choke harder too.
3. The speed at which you respond to a fight call is inversely proportional to how long you ve been a cop.
4. Tear gas works on cops too, and regardless of wind direction, will always blow back in your face.
5. High speed chases will always proceed from an area of light traffic to an area of extremely heavy traffic.
6. If you know someone who tortures animals and wets the bed, he is either a serial killer or he works for Internal Affairs.
7. Placing a gun back in a shoulder holster with your finger on the trigger will cause you to walk with a limp.
8. Flash hiders don't really.
9. If you have cleared all the rooms and met no resistance, you and your entry team have probably kicked in the door of the wrong house.
10. If a cop swings a baton in a fight, he will hit other cops more often than he will hit the bad guys he swings at.
11. Domestic arguments will always migrate from an area of few available weapons (living room), to an area with many available weapons (kitchen).
12. If you have just punched out a handcuffed prisoner for spitting at you, you are about to become a star on Eyewitness News .
13. Bullets work on veteran cops too. They also work on weight lifters, martial arts experts, department marksmen, Vice cops, S.W.A.T. jocks, and others who consider themselves immortal.
14. When a civilian sees a blue light approaching at a high rate of speed, he will always pull into the lane the cop needs to use.
15. If you drive your patrol car to the geometric center of the Gobi Desert, within five minutes a dumb-ass civilian will pull along side you and ask for directions.
16. You can never drive slow enough to please the citizens who don't need a cop, and you can never drive fast enough to please the ones who do.
17. Any suspect with a rifle is a better shot than any cop with a pistol.
18. From behind you, the bad guys can see your night sights as well as you can.
19. On any call, there will always be more bad guys than there are good guys, and the farther away your back-up, the more there will be.
20. The longer you ve been a cop, the shorter your flashlight and your temper gets.
21. Whatever you are about to do, if there is a good chance it will get you killed, you probably shouldn't do it.
22. You should never do a shotgun search of a dark warehouse with a cop whose nickname is Boomer.
23. The better you do your job, the more likely you are to be shot, injured, complained on, sued, investigated, or subpoenaed on your day off.
24. If a large group of drunk bikers is holed-up in a house, the Department will send one officer in a beat car. If there is one biker holed-up in a house, they will send the entire S.W.A.T. Team.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-10-2005, 10:04 AM:
Rated G
Jargon: Cop slang for a stolen vase.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-11-2005, 04:10 PM:
Rated G
An Amish woman was driving her buggy to town when a highway patrol officer stopped her. "I'm not going to cite you," said the officer. "I just wanted to warn you that the reflector on the back of your buggy is broken and it could be dangerous."
"I thank thee," replied the Amish lady. "I shall have my husband repair it as soon as I return home."
"Also," said the officer, "I noticed one of your reins to your horse is wrapped around his testicles. Some people might consider this cruelty to animals so you should have your husband check that, too."
"Again I thank thee. I shall have my husband check both when I get home." True to her word, when the Amish lady got home she told her husband about the broken reflector, and he said he would put a new one on immediately.
"Also," said the Amish woman, "the policeman said there was something wrong with the emergency brake."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-15-2005, 02:07 PM:
Rated G
Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties and local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman. Many females use a date rape drug on the market called "beer." The drug is found in liquid form and available almost everywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, from taps and in large "kegs."
Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and have sex with them. A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of beer and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex.
Men are rendered helpless against this approach. Many times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings in a scam known as "relationship."
In extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude and punishment referred to as "marriage."
Please! Forward this warning to every male you know. If you fall victim to this "Beer" and the women administering it, there are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter with similarly affected like-minded guys.
For the support group nearest you, just look up "Golf Courses" in the Yellow Pages.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-16-2005, 09:55 AM:
[b]Rated G [/b[
I was taking a statement from a gentleman who had reported an incident to the police. Because he hadn't given me his middle name, I asked him what it was.
"Sir," he replied, "with 23 children in my family, I was lucky to get a first name!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-19-2005, 09:11 AM:
Rated G
In Michigan a man was pulled over for a driving violation.
When the officers searched his car they found a revolver, so they arrested him.
They had to release him the next day with an apology.
The revolver had fallen out of the policeman's holster!
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-24-2005, 07:02 AM:
Rated G B.B.
So you thought police officers didn't have a sense of humor....The following were taken off of police car videos around the country.
"Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."
"If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
"So you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"
"Yes, Sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh. Did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"
"Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."
"Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."
"Just how big were those two beers?"
"I'm glad to hear that Sheriff Tom Ariss is a good personal friend of yours. At least you know someone who can post your bail."
"You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? ...You're right, we don't...sign here."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-24-2005, 05:10 PM:
Rated G
A policeman stops a lady and asks for her license. He says "Lady, it says here that you should be wearing glasses."
The woman answered "Well, I have contacts."
The policeman replied "I don't care who you know! You're getting a ticket!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-27-2005, 06:51 AM:
Rated G
Life's greatest pleasures are the simple ones, like seeing the driver who cut ahead of you on the freeway pulled over by the police 3 miles down the road.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-01-2005, 10:42 AM:
Rated G
A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.
"But officer." the man began, "I can explain,".
"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back..."
"But officer, I just wanted to say...."
"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"
A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief is at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."
"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-10-2005, 10:39 AM:
Rated G
Of course you heard about the dyslexic Highway patrolman who was giving out IUDs.
--Sacramento Mike
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-11-2005, 11:03 AM:
Rated G
Mrs. Johnson
A man was sued by a woman for defamation of character. She charged that he had called her a pig. The man was found guilty and fined.
After the trial he asked the judge, "This means that I cannot call Mrs. Johnson a pig?"
The judge said that was true.
"Does this mean I cannot call a pig Mrs. Johnson?" the man asked.
The judge replied that he could indeed call a pig Mrs. Johnson with no fear of legal action.
The man looked directly at Mrs. Johnson and said, "Good afternoon, Mrs. Johnson."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-14-2005, 04:57 PM:
Rated G
A policeman brought four boys before a judge.
"They were causing an awful lot of commotion at the zoo, your Honor," he said."Boys," said the judge sternly, "I never like to hear reports of juvenile delinquency.Now I want each of you to tell me your name and what you were doing wrong."
"My name is George," said the first boy, "and I threw peanuts into the elephant pen."
"My name is Pete," said the second boy, "and I threw peanuts into the elephant pen."
"My name is Mike," said the third boy, "and I threw peanuts into the elephant pen."
"My name is Peanuts," said the fourth boy.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-15-2005, 11:35 AM:
Rated G
At night court, a man was brought in and set before the judge. The judge said, "State your name, occupation, and the charge."
The defendant said, "I'm Sparks, I'm an electrician, charged with battery."
The judge winced and said,"Bailiff! Put this man in a dry cell!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-18-2005, 02:47 PM:
Rated G
I was driving home from work when, out of nowhere, a bird slammed into my windshield. The poor creature got its wing stuck under the windshield wiper, so I tried to get it loose by turning on the switch. On the first upswing of the wiper, the bird flew off, slamming into the windshield of the police car behind me.
Immediately, the cop pulled me over. He walked up and told me he saw what happened. "I'm going to have to write you up," he said, "for flipping me the bird."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-18-2005, 03:24 PM:
Rated G Lulu
A young lad is caught stealing soap from the local soap factory. When the case comes to court the judge decides to make an example of him to discourage other youths from a life of crime.
Judge: "Well, what have you to say in your defense?"
Boy: "Only that I'm sorry your honor."
Judge: "Hrmph. I sentence you to 10 years hard labor, starting immediately."
Boy: "But sir, it was only a few bars of cheap soap!"
Judge: "Consider yourself lucky... It could have been life boy."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-18-2005, 03:52 PM:
Rated G
The judge said to the double-homicide defendant, "You're charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer." A voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You bastard!"
The judge ignored the outburst and continued, "You're also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer." The same voice yelled out, "You lying bastard!
The judge looked sternly at the man who yelled and said, "Sir, you may be angry and frustrated by this man's crimes, but one more outburst from you and I'll find you in contempt of court. Do you understand?"
The man replied, "I'm sorry, your Honor, but I've lived next door to that bastard for the past fifteen years and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-26-2005, 01:33 PM:
Rated G
Nine ways NOT to start your police report
1. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times...
2. The names contained in this report have been changed to protect the innocent...
3. The mayor then made an illegal left hand turn onto Mulraney at which point I opened fire...
4. Before I get into the details, I've got a few "shout-outs" for my homeys in the command staff...
5. It was so dark and wet that night you could almost eat the mist. The radio call penetrated the eerie silence with such piercing intensity that for a moment, I was sure I'd lost my mind ...
6. Got call. Responded. Arrested bad guy. The end.
7. Mye pertnar an eye wher on petrol wen we seen a man act suspishushly...
8. The suspect then tried to assualt me by repeatedly slamming his face into my fist ...
9. A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-10-2005, 07:27 AM:
Rated G
Jimmy was sent to prison for his crimes but he told the warden he wasn't worried at all about serving his full term.
The warden asked him why, since most prisoners immediately start planning how they can get out early.
Jimmy replied, "Well, my wife has never let me finish a sentence the whole time I've been married!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-10-2005, 07:28 AM:
Rated G
They arrested a woman for causing an accident while on her cell phone...she was charged with driving while intalksicated.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-22-2005, 01:20 PM:
Rated G
As a Philadelphia Police officer, I investigated a series of house break-and-entries. We were able to lift fingerprints at the scenes and identify a suspect, who lived close by. He eventually pleaded guilty and was sentenced.
Two years later there were more house break-ins in the same area. The method of entry and the items stolen had all the marks of the previous burglar's handiwork, although when interviewed him he denied any involvement. As he sat in the back of my police cruiser, I told him I was calling the fingerprint boys in to examine the houses. If they found his, I warned him, he could expect me to come back and arrest him.
"You won't find my fingerprints in those houses," he said.
"Why not?" I asked.
"Because," he proudly informed me, "I wore gloves this time!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-04-2006, 07:46 AM:
Rated G
You admit having broken into the dress shop four times?" asked the judge.
"Yes," answered the suspect.
"And what did you steal?"
"A dress, Your Honor," replied the subject.
"One dress?" echoed the judge. "But you admit breaking in four times!"
"Yes, Your Honor," sighed the suspect. "But my wife didn't like the color."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-06-2006, 10:12 AM:
Rated G
A policeman saw a man dressed in full cowboy garb -- hat, chaps, duster, six-shooters, boots and spurs -- standing on a street corner in a busy city. He approached the cowboy and asked him his name.
"Call me Tex!" was the cowboy's reply.
"Well, Tex, where are you from, Texas?" the policeman asked.
"Nah, I'm from Louisiana, but I couldn't very well have you call me Louise!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-08-2006, 06:43 AM:
Rated G
Without realizing it, I walked right into a police stakeout at my local Blockbuster.
When a young man stepped out the door, a group of officers pounced, cuffing him and hustling him into a squad car.
Seeing my astonished frozen expression, one cop came over and said, "When they say the movie is due by noon the next day... they mean it!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-09-2006, 08:07 AM:
Rated G
A red-faced judge convened court after a long lunch.
The first case involved a man charged with drunk driving, who claimed it simply wasn't true. "I'm as sober as you are, Your Honor," the man claimed.
The judge replied, "Clerk, please enter a guilty plea. The defendant is sentenced to thirty days.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-16-2006, 06:41 AM:
Rated G
Speed Trap!
A man was speeding down the highway, feeling secure in a gaggle of cars all traveling at the same speed. However, as they passed a speed trap, he got nailed with an infrared speed detector and was pulled over.
The officer handed him the citation, received his signature and was about to walk away when the man asked, "Officer, I know I was speeding, but I don't think it's fair - there were plenty of other cars around me who were going just as fast, so why did *I* get the ticket?"
"Ever go fishing?" the policeman suddenly asked the man.
"Ummm, yeah..." the startled man replied.
The officer grinned and added, "Ever catch 'all' the fish?"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-16-2006, 06:43 AM:
Rated G B.B.
KEEP SMILING
On a long drive from Virginia, I thought I was traveling at a reasonable speed. But the flashing blue lights in my rearview mirror made me realize that I'd been over the limit.I handed the officer my license and made small talk while my wife dug through the glove compartment for the registration.
"I am usually very careful about my speed," I told him as my wife handed me the paperwork. The officer studied it and then gave it back.
"Sir," he said gruffly, "this is not your registration." It was a warning ticket I had gotten for speeding in South Carolina.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-16-2006, 07:23 AM:
Rated PG
A murder has been committed. Police are called to an apartment and find a man standing, holding a 5-iron in his hands, looking at the lifeless body of a woman on the ground.
The detective asks, "Sir, is that your wife?"
"Yes."
"Did you hit her with that golf club?"
"Yes. Yes, I did," the man answers. He stifles a sob, drops the club and puts his hands on his head.
"How many times did you hit her?"
"I don't know. Five...six ...put me down for a five."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-26-2006, 12:15 PM:
Rated G Blond Adonis
A detective was interviewing a man whose clothing shop had been burglarized.
"It's bad," said the owner, "But it's not as bad as it would have been if I had been robbed yesterday."
"Why is that?" the detective asked.
"Because today everything was on sale!" answered the man.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-05-2006, 01:22 PM:
Rated R
While she was "flying" down the road yesterday (10 miles over the limit), a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait. The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, and with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's your hurry?"
To which she replied, "I'm late for work."
"Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"
"I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded.
The cop stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"
"Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch, until it's about 6 feet wide."
"And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?" he asked.
"You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-09-2006, 12:04 PM:
Rated G cutie pa2ti
A judge had three young boys come before his bench.
The first boy said, "All I did, Your Honor, was break a window, wreck someone's bike, and throw peanuts in the lake."
The second boy said, "Me too, Your Honor. I only broke a small window, wrecked a friend's bike, and threw peanuts in the lake."
The third boy said, "All I did was break a window and wreck a bike."
The judge turned to the third boy and said, "Didn't you throw peanuts in the lake?"
The boy said, "I'm Peanuts."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-13-2006, 07:07 AM:
Rated G Spaz
Police officer: Excuse me, but your dog has been chasing a man on his bicycle.
Dog owner: Are you crazy? My dog can't even ride a bicycle.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-13-2006, 11:32 AM:
Rated G B.B.
Police Dept. Voice Mail
Hello, you have reached the _________Police Department Voice Mail. Pay close attention as we have to update the choices often as new and unusual circumstances arrive.
Please select one of the following options:
- To whine about us not doing anything to solve a problem you created for yourself, press 1.
- To postulate whether someone has to die before we'll do something about a problem, press 2.
- To report an officer for bad manners when in reality the officer is trying to keep your neighborhood safe, press 3.
- If you would like us to raise your children, press 4.
- If you would like us to take control of your life due to your alcoholic or chemical dependency, press 5.
- If you would like us to instantly restore order to a situation that took years to deteriorate, press 6.
- To provide a list of police officers you personally know so we will not take enforcement action against you, press 7.
- To sue us, tell us you'll have our badge, and how you pay our salary, or proclaim our career is over, press 8.
- To hear this menu again, wrap aluminum foil around your head and turn around three times.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-22-2006, 08:03 AM:
Rated G Lorraine
While my father was away on a business trip, his truck was stolen from our driveway. We called the police and gave them a description of the vehicle.
Two hours later a policeman arrived at the house. "I found your truck," he said to my mother. "It's in good condition, possibly in better condition than it was a few days ago. Your husband had arranged for someone from the garage to pick it up."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-28-2006, 06:57 AM:
Rated G Ed in Aurora, Ont.
ORIGINAL STORY TAKEN FROM THE LOCAL NEWSPAPER IN GRAND FALLS, NEWFOUNDLAND
George Phillips of Grand Falls,Newfoundland, was going up to bed when his wife told him that he had left the light on in the garden shed which she could see from their bedroom window.
George proceeded to the back door to go outside to turn the lightoff but immediately saw that there were people in the shed and they were stealing things.
He immediately telephoned the police and told them that there
were burglars in his shed.
The officer asked,"Is there a burglar in your house?"
George replied, "No."
The officer then said that all the patrols were busy and that he(George)should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available.
George said ok and hung up the phone.He counted to 30 and phoned the police again.
"Hello,I just called you a few seconds ago because there were
burglars in my shed.Well,you don't have to worry about them now because I've just shot them all." And he hung up.
Within five minutes,three police cars,an Armed Response Unit,
and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips'residence.
Of course,the police caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the policemen said to George,"I thought you said that
you'd shot them!"
George replied, "I thought you said there was no one available!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-02-2006, 08:17 AM:
Rated G
An inebriated crook had a little problem and ended up at the police station.
“Couldn’t you get that crook to confess to the crime?” asked the police chief.
“We tried everything, Sir. We browbeat and badgered him wit every question we could think of.”
“How did he respond?
He just dozed off and said now and then: “Yes, Dear. You are perfectly right.”
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-03-2006, 08:53 PM:
Rated G
"Missing Husband"
A wife went to the police station with her next-door neighbor to report that her husband was missing. The policeman asked for a description.
She said, "He's 35 years old, 6 foot 4, has dark eyes, dark wavy hair,an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds,is soft-spoken, and is good to the children."
The next-door neighbor protested,"Your husband is 5 foot 4, chubby,bald, has a big mouth, and is mean to your children."
The wife replied, "Yes, but who wants HIM back?"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-20-2006, 07:11 AM:
Rated G
COUPLE NAILED IN NAKED JOYRIDE
ROME (March 17)--The zig-zagging car gave them away.
When Italian police pulled over the vehicle, they found a completely naked 70-year-old woman who had been trying to have sex with the driver -- 11 years her junior.
After demanding the joy-riding couple get dressed, the police tested the semi-nude male motorist for drunk driving.
"He was three times over the legal (blood-alcohol) limit," said police commander Angelo D'Anardo in the city of Cologno al Serio, northeast of Milan.
"We assume they must have been drinking at lunch and then things got out of control."
Asked if the couple were married, D'Anardo said he wasn't sure -- but somehow doubted it.
"Married people wouldn't probably do anything like this."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-29-2006, 08:33 AM:
Rated G B.B.
A tourist asks a man in uniform, "Are you a policeman?"
"No, I am an undercover detective."
"So why are you in uniform?"
"Today is my day off."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-30-2006, 10:43 AM:
Rated PG The White Rabbit
A cop stops a car for traveling faster than the posted speed limit. So he asks the man his name.
"Fred," he replies.
"Fred what?" the officer asks.
"Just Fred," the man responds.
The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the fellow a break and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name. The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks that he has a! nut case on his hands but plays along with it.
"Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?"
The man replies, "It's a long story, so stay with me."
"I was born Fred Dingaling. I know - a funny last name. The kids used to tease me all the time. So I stayed to myself, studied hard, and got good grades.
When I got older I realized that I wanted to be a doctor! I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Dingaling, MD."
"After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through school, got my degree, so then I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS."
"Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD. So now I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS, with VD. Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they t! ook away my DDS. Then I was Fred Dingaling, MD with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD. Then the VD took away my Dingaling, so now I am Just Fred."
The officer walked away in tears, laughing...
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-31-2006, 11:51 AM:
Rated G B.B.
Police Lines
"Take your hands off the car, or I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."
"If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
"Can you run faster than 1,200 feet per second? In case you didn't know, that is the average speed of a 9 mm bullet fired from my gun."
"So you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"
"Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."
"Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and step in monkey poop."
"Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."
"In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."
"Just how big were those two beers?"
"I'm glad to hear the Chief of Police is a good personal friend of yours. At least you know someone who can post your bail."
"You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-13-2006, 12:47 PM:
Rated G
"Jury Duty"
Judge: Is there any reason you could not serve as a juror in this case?
Juror: I don't want to be away from my job that long.
Judge: Can't they do without you at work?
Juror: Yes, but I don't want them to know it.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-26-2006, 10:32 AM:
Rated G Gerry
Police: I never gave a ticket to a nun before. I gave a ticket to a guy from the IRS one time. Got audited the next year. Tell you what, Sister, I'm going to let this one slide..
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-27-2006, 08:15 AM:
Rated G :)Lorraine
My brother Darren's car was broken into one night. He waited for the police with a woman he'd met in the parking lot whose car had also been vandalized.
She complained about her stereo and a few CDs being stolen. But she laughed when she heard what the thief had taken from Darren's car...all his tools for installing burglar alarms.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-09-2006, 09:05 PM:
Rated G Faye in Kingston, Ont.
HOW TO CALL THE POLICE WHEN YOU’RE OLD AND DONT MOVE FAST ANYMORE.
George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.
George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.
He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and he said "no". Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available.
George said, "Okay," hung up,counted to 30,and phoned the police again.
"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now cause I've just shot them all." Then he hung up.
Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips residence and caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the Policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"
George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-11-2007, 08:14 AM:
Rated G Lorraine
I travelled with my parents to my aunt's funeral in a town a short distance away. Halfway there, Dad was pulled over for speeding. Mom quickly told Dad to tell the officer that we were on the way to his sister's funeral, but Dad refused to use that as an excuse. The officer took Dad's licence and car registration, and when he returned to the car and handed Dad the ticket, he said, "And my condolences, Mr. Higgins, on the death of your sister." Dad looked at him in amazement and asked how he knew of her death. "Well, sir," the officer explained, "we've already stopped two of your brothers and three of your nephews."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-13-2007, 03:31 PM:
Rated G Lorraine
We hadn't heard our alarm clock, so my husband and I were late. He rushed out to drive to work, and I followed about 15 minutes later. As I sped along, I suddenly spotted a policeman waving me over. He checked my license, then looked up and asked, "Does your husband drive a Firebird?"
"Yes," I replied. He smiled and handed the license back.
"I'll let you off this time. Your husband already got a ticket this morning."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-15-2007, 09:11 AM:
Rated G Lorraine
A boy was caught stealing a watch from a shop. He was taken to a police station and put in a lock-up. A hardened criminal lodged there showed some sympathy and said, "You are wasting time on small items. Why don`t you rob a bank?"
The boy replied, "By the time I leave school, all banks are closed."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-18-2007, 11:14 AM:
Rated G Lorraine
My partner and I pulled our police cruiser up behind a car stopped on the shoulder of the highway. We got out and asked the driver if we could help. No, he replied, there was no trouble; he had just stopped for a rest. When we turned back, we noticed that his German shepherd had jumped in the open passenger-side front window of our car. "You may think there's no trouble," I smiled, "but your dog obviously thinks he's done something wrong. He's in our patrol car."
He laughed. "He probably thinks you've come to take him to work," he replied. "He's a retired police dog."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-19-2007, 09:57 PM:
Rated PG Miss Martha
A policeman was patrolling near midnight at a local parking spot for lovers. He drove by a car and saw a couple inside with the dome light on. Inside there was a young man in the driver's seat reading a computer magazine and a young lady in the back seat calmly knitting. He stopped to investigate.
He walked up to the driver's window and knocked. The young man looked up, obligingly cranked the window down, and said, "Yes, Officer?"
"What are you doing?" the policeman asked.
"What does it look like?" answered the young man. "I'm reading this magazine."
Pointing towards the young lady in the back seat, the officer then asked, "And what is she doing?"
The young man looked over his shoulder and replied, "I think she's knitting a sweater."
Confused, the officer asked, "How old are you, young man?"
"I'm nineteen," he replied.
"And how old is she?" asked the officer.
The young man looked at his watch and said, "Well, in about twelve minutes she'll be eighteen.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-02-2007, 10:31 AM:
Rated G Denny in Yonkers
A policeman brought four boys before a judge.
"They were causing an awful lot of commotion at the zoo, your Honor," he said.
"Boys," said the judge sternly, "I never like to hear reports of juvenile delinquency.Now I want each of you to tell me your name and what you were doing wrong."
"My name is George," said the first boy, "and I threw peanuts into the elephant pen."
"My name is Pete," said the second boy, "and I threw peanuts into the elephant pen."
"My name is Mike," said the third boy, "and I threw peanuts into the elephant pen."
"My name is Peanuts," said the fourth boy.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-23-2007, 11:28 AM:
Rated G Lorraine
As she rushed to work one morning, my co-worker was caught in a speed trap. Flustered, she fumbled in her wallet, quickly pulled out her driver's license and handed it to the police officer. He handed it back, chuckling, "You'll get points, ma'am, but not this kind." She had given him her credit card.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-23-2007, 11:30 AM:
Rated G Marty
A patrolman and his canine partner detected a door ajar in an alley. When given the command to enter and seek, the dog headed for the open entrance but took only a few steps and stopped short. The cop then noticed the door sign that said,
"Veterinarian's Office."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 05-16-2007, 04:01 PM:
Rated G Lorraine
A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk."
Our wasted friend asked, "Ociffer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?"
Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go."
Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness, I thought I was a lame."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 09-18-2007, 01:07 PM:
Rated G Drew
Actual call to 911
Dispatcher: 911
Caller: Help! Help! Send the police, I've been shot!
Dispatcher: You said you've been shot?
Caller: I've been shot!
Dispatcher: How many times were you shot?
Caller: This is the first time.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-12-2007, 06:42 PM:
Rated G Drew
A friend of mine is an officer with the police department's canine division. One evening, the officer was dispatched to the scene of a possible burglary, where he discovered the back door of a building ajar. He let the dog out of his patrol car and commanded it to enter and seek. Jumping from the back seat, the dog headed for the building. After lunging through the doorway, the dog froze and backed out. My friend was puzzled until he investigated further. Then he noticed the sign on the building: "Veterinarian's Office."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-18-2007, 01:12 PM:
Rated G Lorraine
An elderly man was sued by his neighbor for defamation of character. She charged that he had called her a pig. The man was found guilty and fined.
After the trial the man approached the judge, "Does this mean that I cannot call Mrs. Johnson a pig?"
The judge replied, "That is true."
"Does this mean I cannot call a pig Mrs. Johnson?" the man asked.
The judge replied that he could indeed call a pig whatever he wanted with no fear of legal action.
The elderly gent looked directly at Mrs. Johnson and said, "Good afternoon, Mrs. Johnson."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-27-2007, 02:47 PM:
Rated G Drew
Two judges are arrested for being drunk and disorderly, but agreed to try each other's cases the next morning.
The first judge fines the second $2, but when it is the first judge's turn he gets a $50 fine.
"Why did you do that?" says the first judge. "I only fined you $2." "I know," says his friend. "But there's far too much of this thing going on these days. Yours is the second case this morning."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-28-2008, 03:21 PM:
Rated G Ed in Aurora, Ont.
You Gotta Love A Good Nurse.
A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix.
The doctors operated and advised him that all was well.
However, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in his crotch. Worried that it might be a second surgery the doctors hadn't told him about, he finally got the energy to pull his hospital gown up enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable.
Taped firmly across his pubic hair were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily. Written in large black letters was the sentence:
"Get well soon....from the nurse in the Jeep you pulled over last week."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-06-2008, 07:22 AM:
Rated G
Florida's got it right. Bravo for Sheriff Judd!!!
POLK COUNTY FLORIDA SHERIFF GRADY JUDD
Some "dirtbag" in Polk County Florida who got pulled over in a routine traffic stop ended up "executing" the deputy who stopped him.
The deputy was shot eight times, including once behind his right ear at close range.
Another deputy was wounded and a police dog killed.
A statewide manhunt ensued.
The low-life was found hiding in a wooded area with his gun. SWAT team officers fired and hit the guy 68 times.
Now here's the kicker: Naturally, the media asked why they shot him 68 times.
Polk County Sheriff Grady Judd, told the Orlando Sentinel:
"That's all the bullets we had!"
Talk about an all time classic answer!!! ![[beer]](graemlins/beer.gif)
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-22-2008, 02:40 PM:
Rated When Grandma Goes To Court
Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.
In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?'
She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'
She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem.
He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law
practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife.. Yes, I know him.'
The defense attorney nearly died.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.'
Until Next Time, Smile
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-09-2008, 12:17 PM:
Rated G B.B.
At the police station, Bubba explained to the police officer why his cousins shot him.
"Well," Bubba began, "We wuz havin' a good time, when my cousin Ray picked up his shotgun and said, 'Hey, der ya fellows wanna go hunting?'"
"And then what happened?" the officer interrupted.
"From what I remember," Bubba said, "I stood up and said, 'Sure, I'm game.'"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-22-2008, 08:37 PM:
Rated G TheWhiteRabbit
Question:
How do you tell the difference between a British Police Officer, an Australian Police Officer and an American Police Officer?
Answer:
Pose the following question:
You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. When suddenly, a dangerous looking man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife, and charges.
You are carrying a Glock 17, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do?
UK POLICE OFFICERS Answer: Well, that's not really enough information to answer the question!
Does the man look poor or oppressed?
Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
Could we run away?
What does my wife think?
What about the kids?
Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?
What does the law say about this situation?
Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it?
Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?
Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?
Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?
If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me?
Should I call 999?
Why is this street so deserted? Maybe we need to raise taxes, have a paint and weed day and make this a happier, healthier street that would discourage such behaviour?
If I raise my gun and he turns and runs away, do I get blamed when he falls over running away, knocks his head and kills himself?
If I shoot him, and lose the court case, does he have the opportunity to sue me, cost me my job, my credibility and I will lose my family home?
AUSTRALIAN OFFICERS Answer: BANG!
AMERICAN OFFICERS Answer: BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG. Click.
Apparently Australian’s are better shots………….
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-23-2008, 08:15 AM:
Rated G
This guy was pulled over for running a stop sign.
When the cop checked the man's driver's license, he said, "You're wearing glasses on your ID and you're not now.
I'm going to have to give you a ticket."
The guy said, "Officer, I have contacts."
The cop said, "Look, buddy, I don't care who you know, ... I'm giving you a ticket."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-24-2008, 09:44 AM:
Rated G Lorraine
PA. CREWS RESCUE NUDE MAN STUCK IN PORTABLE POTTY (Fri, Jun. 06)
LEBANON, Pa. -- Rescue crews had to cut apart a portable toilet to rescue a man who got stuck naked inside the potty.
Authorities say the 31-year-old man used his cell phone to call 911 on Sunday from inside a portable toilet.
Police say the man had been drinking and had taken off his clothes. Somehow, he immersed himself in the holding tank.
Deputy fire commissioner Chris Miller said, "I've been on the job in one form or fashion for 21 years, and this is the first port-a- potty rescue I've ever had."
Police charged the man with public drunkenness and creating a health code violation, but they have no idea why he was in the toilet with his clothes off. They said he didn't suffer any serious injuries.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 07-20-2008, 02:13 PM:
Rated PG Jokester
Signs The Police Chief Doesn't Like You
He doesn't like to be seen with you in public.
Instead of a gun, you were issued a water pistol.
Your locker is also the broom closet.
The job description in your contract includes "crash test dummy" and "pepper-spray test subject."
He sends you on drug raids - alone.
He always tells you that only wussies call for back-up.
He makes up "missing persons" and then sends you to look for them.
You always get the patrol car with the flat tire, no gas, a dead battery, and a broken air conditioner.
He lied to you about an "officer exchange program" and put you on a plane to Siberia.
He refers to you as "our mascot".
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 07-21-2008, 11:46 AM:
Rated PG Jokester
Police Reports
"You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through."
"Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."
"If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."
"If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
"Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you."
"You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"
"Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"
"Warning! You want a warning? OK, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."
"The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"
"Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs, and step in monkey poop."
"Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."
"In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC."
"How big were those 'Just two beers' you say you had?"
"No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."
"I'm glad to hear that Chief [of Police] Hawker is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."
"You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here."
Posted by Gordon Bachlund (Member # 124) on 09-02-2008, 02:24 PM:
Rated G....
A New York lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff's deputy in Texas. He thinks that he is smarter than the deputy because he is a lawyer from New York and is certain that he has a better education than any cop from Texas. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Texas deputy's expense.
The deputy says,' License and registration, please.'
'What for?' says the lawyer.
The deputy says, 'You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign.'
Then the lawyer says, 'I slowed down and no one was coming.'
'You still didn't come to a complete stop,' says the deputy. 'License and registration, please.'
The lawyer says, 'What's the difference?'
'The difference is you have to come to complete stop. That's the law. License and registration, please!' the Deputy says.
Lawyer says, 'If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket.'
'That sounds fair. Please exit your vehicle, sir,' the deputy says.
At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the daylights out of the lawyer and says, 'Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?'
Posted by Gordon Bachlund (Member # 124) on 09-14-2008, 01:51 PM:
Rated G....
Driving to work, a gentleman had to swerve to avoid a box that fell out of a truck in front of him. Seconds later, a policeman pulled him over for reckless driving.
Fortunately, another officer had seen the carton in the road. The policemen stopped traffic and recovered the box. It was found to contain large upholstery tacks.
"I'm sorry sir," the first trooper told the driver, "but I am still going to have to write you a ticket."
Amazed, the driver asked for what.
The trooper replied, "Tacks evasion."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-09-2008, 06:52 AM:
Rated PG Tony in Old Lyme
A Mafia don finds out that his bookkeeper has cheated him out of
ten million bucks.
The bookkeeper is deaf. That was why he got the job in the
first place --he couldn't hear anything he might repeat in court.
The don goes to see the bookkeeper, and brings along his
attorney, who knows sign language.
The don tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the 10 million is."
The attorney signs, "Where's the money?
The bookkeeper signs back: "I don't know what you're talking
about."
The attorney tells the don: "He says he doesn't know what
you're talking about."
The don puts a gun to the bookkeeper's head and says,
"Ask him again!"
The attorney signs, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him!"
The bookkeeper signs back, "OK! You win! The money is in
a brown leather briefcase, buried behind the shed in my
cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens!"
The don asks, "What'd he say?"
The attorney tell him, "He says, 'You don't have the balls to
pull the trigger.'"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-27-2008, 07:41 AM:
Rated G Lorraine
During a county-wide drive to round up all unlicensed dogs, a patrolman signaled a car to pull over to the curb.
When the driver asked why she had been stopped, the officer pointed to the big dog sitting on the seat beside her and asked, "Does your dog have a license?"
"No," the woman said, "He doesn't need one."
"Yes, he does," answered the officer.
"But," said the driver, "I always do all the driving."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-23-2009, 07:18 AM:
Rated PG
A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, ' I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.'
The driver says, 'Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.'
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: 'Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control.'
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over
at his wife and growls, 'Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?'
The wife smiles demurely and says,'You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did.'
As the officer makes out a second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit fitted in the car he had just pulled over,the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, 'Damnit,
woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?'
The officer frowns and says, 'And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine.'
The driver says, 'Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.' The wife says, 'Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving.'
And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, 'WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??'
The officer looks over at the woman and asks, 'Does your husband
always talk to you this way, Ma'am?'
'Only when he's been drinking'
Posted by Ian Parfrey (Member # 5122) on 03-19-2010, 08:00 PM:
Rated M
Farmer Brown gets a phone call from his farm hand. "I've run over a pig & it's stuck under the tractor still alive!"
"Shoot it.." says the farmer "..and bury it"
The Farmer gets another phone call. "Done that, now what should I do with his speed camera?
Posted by System Notices (Member # 2357) on 04-07-2015, 02:33 PM:
It has been 1844 days since the last post.